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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 15:
Do A Barrel Roll

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This week we have a new podcast review! Dixie L. Ross, thank you for your kind words and we’re happy you’re enjoying the show.

Also, this week we have some new patrons to thank. Starting off, Dexter! Thank you so much for your support of the show. It means the world to us. Sentinel has everyone out combing the galaxy for clues right now. I’ve got index cards and red string. Do you think you can try and make some sense of this for us? I’m stumped.

Dominic, thank you for your support as well. This isn’t the most glamorous assignment, but I need you to go with HK on a solo mission. Your job is to be his conscience. I think I can get you secondary user privileges, so hopefully he’ll listen, but if you could keep him aimed in the right direction and not captured by the Empire that would be awesome.

Thank you both for your support.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 15! It’s a lovely day, and I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce themselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, the one and only.

NICK: Until that arc where your clone shows up, you’re absolutely right.

HUDSON: Oh, you’re right.

NICK: [chuckles] Ooh, eh, it’s too late to edit it now. I guess people will just have to wonder about that. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: And last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Fantastic. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson~

NICK: Alright, two and two. So, when we last left off, you all were able to escape from prison, you left your friends that you had made in prison on a space station with some very crinkly and latexy disguises so that they wouldn’t look like prisoners anymore, and you collected your gear from where it had been stashed. Tink accidentally ended up with a Space BestBuy gift card, Karma showed off her fancy new armor, and Xianna had a lovely and heartwarming conversation with both Creamsicle and Nolaa.

CAMERON: Oh, and we learned what we’re gonna be doing for the rest of this season.

NICK: Oh yeah, and you learned—


LILIT: Oh. I thought we were gonna keep getting arrested and breaking out of increasingly more and more elaborate prisons.

NICK: No, that’s been done.

LILIT: Are we not doing a prison break season?

NICK: No. [laughs]

LILIT: I thought we were doing a prison break season.

HUDSON: I think we’re gonna do that until we find out that the real prison was our lives all along.

NICK: Oh… I was hoping you were gonna say “were the friends we made along the way.” [laughs]

HUDSON: No. [laughs]

LILIT: The real prison was capitalism.


NICK: So, we open on the Afternoon Delight popping out of hyperspace on the edges of a green and massive nebula. This is the Typhonic Nebula. The ship is covered in little statically electric remnants as it slowly enters into this area of space. You are here to attempt to recover the first of the Shattered Force items, the one that Sentinel had a lead on, and you know that it’s nestled at a specific coordinate on a distant moon deep within this nebula which doesn’t allow hyperspace travel.

You fly further and further into this space cloud, and we see that the gas of the nebula is a sickly green. A band of light pierces the entire region from a far distance, but otherwise the cloud is nearly featureless. There are sporadic floating asteroids that loom out of the mist as you inch your way through, but otherwise all you can see is green, green and green all the way through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, how did your conversation with Nolaa go?

LILIT (as Xianna): It went very well.

LILIT: Xianna walks up further into the cockpit and looks out the front windshield.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a lot of green. It looks like the time I accidentally passed out in a big container of jello.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): When did that happen?

LILIT (as Xianna): That was many years ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was it a party?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess I must have passed out into it because I woke up into it. That’s what I remember.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I was about to ask how it looked like passing out in jello, but the waking up, okay, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so I woke up and there was just green everywhere, and I had no idea what was happening, and I was like maybe I am still too high or something. Then I realized that the party had a large container of jello and I was using it as a pillow, so I was really just looking into the green jello. You would have thought that it was lime flavored, but it wasn’t, it was jogan fruit which is not green, so I have no idea who made jogan fruit jello and made it green, but… it might have been some sort of themed party, like for an event. Everything was green. I don’t know, I crashed it.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, are you referring to Saint Padawan’s Day?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. That is a made-up holiday.

NICK (as HK): Are you sure? That’s when they died the river around the imperial palace green.

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds fake! Who would actually do that? You put dye into an entire river? Is that not really bad for like the ecosystem?

NICK (as HK): No, it’s made with natural flavors or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you flavoring the river?

LILIT (as Xianna): It still feels like it would be throwing off a lot of the important ecological balance.

NICK (as HK): Oh no, it’s fine, there hasn’t been any ecological living in that river in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess in that case it is okay, but the water has to go somewhere unless it is just a big donut and it just circles forever.

CAMERON (as Karma): So is it a lazy river around the imperial palace?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we take a vacation and go to a lazy river? And we can float around and have the cooler in between our tubes, and we just float forever.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, is that the kind of rivers you can just pee in and no one knows you’re peeing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nooo.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that’s any river.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fish already pee into it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Why can’t we?

CAMERON (as Karma): I… I mean, so if you’re in an actual river, sure, go for it—I’m from Glee Anselm, I can’t comment—but not in a pool setting.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I don’t want to go to a pool one, I want to go to one of those actual rivers, because that way you can drink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): The park ones never let you drink. Well I mean, you can, but they get really mad at you and they are like “ma’am, you can’t have alcohol in here, this is for children,” and then you yell at them that yes you can, and then they kick you out.

NICK (as HK): Observation: Most local ordinances now make you pour your alcoholic beverages into water bottles to prevent littering. It’s a lot more work than it used to be.

LILIT (as Xianna): It also makes no sense, because wouldn’t you then have the extra bottle?

NICK (as HK): Well you put the water bottles into a cooler but you use, like, bike water bottles, and then you can squeeze a lime in there or whatever, but you use reusable containers. They don’t allow glass or cans anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): How does that help with littering?

NICK (as HK): Because people don’t throw away their reusable containers as much.

LILIT (as Xianna): But then they throw away the cans at the beginning.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, but you have to transfer everything over prior to getting in the river.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): So they’re assuming that, if you’re littering, you’re at least littering on land and not in the water.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it both sounds bad, so…

NICK: So, as you are having this conversation, anyone who is looking out the front view screen of the ship make me a Perception check.


LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: What difficulty of perceptioning?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Okay. One success, two advantages for Karma.

LILIT: Two successes.

HUDSON: One success for Tink.

NICK: As you are talking about various local alcohol ordinances you all see a Z-95 Headhunter stuck to the underside of an asteroid that’s rotating past the front of the ship, and you can see that there is a pilot inside of it watching your ship go by, so you immediately know that you’re not alone in this nebula. There is at least one other ship in here that’s geared up for combat actually. It has laser cannons on the wings.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s call them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why? [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): See if they’re friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t need to call them. Just look.

LILIT: Xianna does a big wave at them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know, that was a little… That was aggressive. That was an aggressive wave.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It was not aggressive!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it was aggressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, there is no reason to call and talk to them unless we have to.

NICK: The pilot in the Headhunter, they’re wearing a full helmet with a visor and a flight suit, but you see them hesitantly raise their hand and then wave back a little bit… and then you see them hit some buttons on their console and the ship starts up and starts to fly away. It quickly flies back the way that you all came.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. Let’s just ignore that.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Weird.

NICK: And you get a ping on your com system. You are getting a message from an outside source.

CAMERON: Karma hits the button.

NICK: A little hologram of someone that you recognize to be Endo shows up on the screen. He appears to be sitting in a captain’s chair.

NICK (as Endo): Wow. Fancy meeting you all here out in this nebula. What are you looking for, friends?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Who are you?

NICK (as Endo): I’m… Endo. You tried to kill me like three days ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. You got out as well?

NICK (as Endo): Yes. Thank you for your little distraction. It helped me and some of my favorite compatriots find a couple of exits.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that is why we threw the riot, so you’re welcome. Not for you specifically, for us, but I felt like it was an added bonus if other people could escape.

NICK (as Endo): Several people did, yes, and now we run into each other out here in the middle of nowhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a question, Endo. Are you still salty from that accidental… when I tripped and the knife ended up hitting you?

NICK: His face is very still, it’s made out of chitin and mechanics, but he leans into the camera a little bit so that his image gets bigger.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, that’s all water under the bridge, Tink. Why don’t we meet up and we can talk about it. What brings you out here?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. We—

CAMERON (as Karma): Sightseeing.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] There’s a concert that we’re going to in a system far, far away. It’s actually a really good, uh, it’s a concert series of, um, trip hop and Dantooinese speed gospel.

NICK (as Endo): Really? And it doesn’t have anything to do with the Imperial patrols headed this way or the valuable artifact located somewhere in this nebula?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. We are going to the music festival. We are making flower crowns and everything. Do you want a flower crown as well?

NICK (as Endo): I don’t know. Boys? Do we want flower crowns?

NICK: Flip me a dark side point as a series of proton missiles come curling around from the edge of one of these asteroids and headed straight towards the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Is that a no on the flower crowns then?

NICK: You’re gonna have to make a Piloting check to dodge these.

CAMERON: [sighs] Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, save us!

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty of my Piloting check?

NICK: This one is average.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I know you were lying about the music festival, but that is a thing we should do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh really? You like those genres?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, just in general, we should go to one, because you would look very cute in a flower crown.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we can get like matching short-shorts.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if it’s like a metal festival where flower crowns are not permitted?

CAMERON (as Karma): Flower crowns are always permitted.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. We can go to a metal music festival. We will just get black and red flower crowns and they will have spikes and horns on them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we can get matching short-shorts that are like pleather.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like that shiny vinyl stuff. It is so uncomfortable and it does not breathe, but it looks so cool. And we can have like fringe jackets or cute little bralette tops. It would be very fun. You just would not be allowed to drink or eat anything there, okay? Because you are trying to keep your straightedge, so you would have to bring your own water.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. What about straightedge where you can’t eat?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because… it’s a music festival.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh, they’re gonna spike-

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t just take water other people give you.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could have, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless it is the medic tent, then you can take that water, but any other water, no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it. That is definitely a missile coming this way.

NICK: Yup.


LILIT (as Xianna): It is, but for some reason it is taking a very long time to get here.



LILIT (as Xianna): It is almost like it is being shot through jello. Very weird how that works.

CAMERON: It’s a really slow-moving missile. Three successes on my Piloting check.

NICK: Three successes. So describe how you maneuver the ship to dodge these missiles as they crash into an asteroid next to you instead of hitting you.

[action techno begins]

CAMERON: We see the missile coming. Karma just turns the ship, and it should not be able to do a barrel roll, it was not built for this, but it does one anyway… it’s just a very slow, lumbering barrel roll. [laughs]

NICK: So we see the Afternoon Delight, which is kind of shaped like a space shuttle with two shipping containers welded to either side, just slowly loop its way around the trail of these missiles as they crash into the rock behind you, and the ship starts to emit alarms as flecks of asteroid pepper the hull. You can see on your radar that there are multiple contacts coming your direction from different ways through the nebula, and you hear Endo say:

NICK (as Endo): Well, if you’re not gonna give us the directions we’ll just have to pull it from your ship’s computer after we destroy it.

LILIT (as Xianna): To the music festival? We can give you directions. Like, it is available on the holonet.

NICK (as Endo): We know that you’re here for a Force artifact, and we’re gonna get it.

NICK: And, initiative.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

LILIT: One advantage. Love some blank dice.

HUDSON: Three successes.

NICK: Roll me two greens and a yellow, please.

CAMERON: [laughs] Fuck. Four successes and a triumph.

NICK: Oh wow! Roll that for me again?

CAMERON: No, I don’t think I will. [chuckles] Ha-ha, I didn’t. It’s only three successes and two advantages that time. HK got a success, two advantages and a triumph.

NICK: Okay. Y’all have a couple of advantages and a triumph to spend. Is there anything about this setting that you would like to use to your advantage or add to the scene to make it more advantageous for you?

[action techno ends]

HUDSON: Is he still on the holo projector?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright Endo, this is the begin-do of your end-o.


NICK: [struggles to find words]

NICK (as Endo): What?! … Cut the connection!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He gestures to the hologram and it cuts off. He will have some black dice for emotional concerns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, should Tink and I go to the guns, start doing the pew-pews?

NICK (as HK): Maybe it would be better if I was the second gunner and Tink can try to repair the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, was about to suggest that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that works too.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll repair the ship. I seem to have developed a little bit of a knack for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, you’re the mechanic.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You have like a degree in computers.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a very broad spectrum of things you learn when you’re learning “computers” in general. It’s just like saying oh, you’re good at life, like there’s just so many things encompassing life.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I know lots of people who are good at, like, life. It’s mostly knowing how to do your taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

NICK (as HK): And you should know that my life is essentially computers.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I’m not good at life, because I have never filed my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, that’s more dangerous than anything we’re doing this entire time. You might get on that. That’s—

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. No, I am legally dead, so I can’t file my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. They’ve gone after people after the grave, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): I also burned up my Social Security card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now you got ‘em. Checkmate, government.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. What are they going to do about that?


NICK: And the ship begins to be rattled by laser fire.

CAMERON: Paying attention.

LILIT: We’re having this conversation on the way out of the cockpit!

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And we have coms!

CAMERON: I flipped on the ship-wide coms. We can now just yell at each other and we’re all basically in the same room.

NICK: Yeah. So first up is an NPC, and if you could roll me two greens and a yellow, please, Cameron, against a hard difficulty.

CAMERON: Okay. One failure, one advantage, and a triumph.

NICK: Interesting. Okay.


NICK: So coming from behind an asteroid you see a YT-2400. It’s like a sleek, fast space freighter, but where it normally has a rotating cannon it has one single larger laser attached. It fires a green bolt at you and it just misses, but because it’s coming from a fairly far distance as this freighter starts to accelerate towards you it does strike an asteroid in the cloud which explodes outward in a shower of debris that makes it harder to pilot, so your next Piloting check will have a black die on it.


NICK: Up next we have a PC slot. As you scan around you can see that there’s two Z-95 Headhunters that are approaching from behind and this YT-2400 freighter as well is on its way. Who wants to go first?

LILIT: I mean, I guess I can shoot.

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I’m assuming that is a Gunnery check.

NICK: Yup.

LILIT: I don’t actually have… And what would the difficulty be?

NICK: Right now they’re at long range, so it would be hard.

LILIT: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. So, you swing your seat around. I don’t know if you remember, but the gunnery turrets are stationary plush recliners and then you have a little track ball that moves the turret around independently of where you’re sitting, and you spin it around and fire quickly but it strikes more of the rocks which are seeming to increase in frequency and explodes some stone, peppering through their shields and weakening the shields of the opposing ships.

We are up to another PC slot. Do we wanna have HK try and shoot?


NICK: Okay. So HK, from the other gun on the Afternoon Delight, says:

NICK (as HK): Acquiring targets. Firing.

CAMERON: Is he gonna be four greens or does he have any Gunnery?

NICK: Three greens and a yellow actually. He has a point in Gunnery.

CAMERON: Oh, wow~

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Still at long range?

NICK: Yep, still long range. Nobody’s moved yet.

CAMERON: Cool. Two advantages.

NICK: HK fires and the Headhunter he was targeting pirouettes out of the way gracefully and the blast disappears into the nebula cloud.

NICK (as HK): Oh, that’s weird. I really expected to hit somebody with that. Xianna, I take back all the mean things I was thinking about how you missed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Aw, thank you.

NICK (as HK): Maybe don’t miss next time though.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will try, but I am also not trained at this, but I think you are.

NICK (as HK): Disapproving grumble.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s okay, Hank. I will make you a very cute flower crown that will match with your, like, metal.

NICK: Up next is an NPC slot. One of the Headhunters accelerates to close the range and fires another brace of proton missiles at you all. I need you to roll two greens and a yellow. Medium range, average difficulty.

CAMERON: So the Afternoon Delight does have defense.

NICK: Okay, yeah, add the black die for the defense now that we’re in combat.

CAMERON: Cool, and are they shooting us from behind?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m gonna need to know which direction they’re shooting from, because it changes depending on which direction.

NICK: Right. Yeah. They’re still behind.

CAMERON: Alright. So two greens, a yellow, a black, and then the two purple?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: So these are modified and they seem bigger than what you’re used to seeing, and you are struck with several of these proton missiles for 8 damage.

CAMERON: We’ve got 3 Armor.

NICK: That was a pretty big hit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Guys, their guns are bigger than our guns, just FYI.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay, I have an idea.

NICK: Cool, it’s a PC slot, go ahead.

HUDSON: Alright. So, I want to be able to spoof one of the largest Empire ships ever coming over radar toward our ship so it scares everybody off.

NICK: Okay. Are you gonna make a death star or like a super star destroyer?

HUDSON: Super star destroyer coming towards us that will show up on everyone’s radar.

NICK: Okay. That would be a Computers check. It will be hard, because you’re spoofing a radar signal and trying to make them not realize it’s coming from you all, and it will have two black die because you’re in a nebula.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So would this be Code Breaker because I am breaking code or decrypting communications?

NICK: Yeah, I would say that since you’re trying to spoof into their stuff you could use that.

HUDSON: Okay, then I only have one black die, so I have four yellows, a green, three purples, two blue, and one black.


NICK: Nice.

HUDSON: I have four successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright! Talk me through what you’re doing.

HUDSON: So, I think to myself how can I help the situation? So I put on a camouflage bandana and I get my headphones, that are still wired because I’m old school, I don’t have wireless headphones like all the other cool kids, and I put them in my ears and I start playing Fortunate Sun by Creedence Clearwater Revival…


HUDSON: …and just like getting in the zone and focusing. We don’t have rights to that song, do we?



LILIT: Absolutely not.


HUDSON: Okay. So, I decide to break into the alert systems of all the ships surrounding us and make it so that it looks like a star destroyer is coming toward our ship and inadvertently all the other ships so it’ll scare them away.

NICK: Okay. Cameron, make me a hard Willpower check with two greens please.

CAMERON: Two successes, but three threats.

NICK: Heheh.

CAMERON: The ship falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise plays quietly in the background]

NICK: The ship falls prone. Yeah, so… do it for me one more time?

CAMERON: A success, two threats.

NICK: Oh, interesting. So the Z-95 Headhunters, Tink, you get into their systems first and you broadcast this, and one of the ships starts to wobble like it’s looking like it’s going to turn around, and it bounces off of an asteroid taking some damage but it does not actually get destroyed, and the other one continues onward. So, you can tell you’ve made the pilots very nervous but they’re more scared of Endo than they are of the Empire and they’re continuing on.


LILIT: Neat.

HUDSON: “It ain’t me. It ain’t me!”


LILIT: We can’t use any of that.

HUDSON: I know.

NICK: We’re to our last PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright. I’mma fly?

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Away? [laughs]

NICK: Away? Okay.

CAMERON: [exasperated exhale]

NICK: Are you doing any specific maneuvers or anything, or are you…?


HUDSON: “Do a barrel roll!”

NICK: That’s an actual thing.

LILIT: I don’t—Can we do a barrel roll? I don’t know.

HUDSON: The GM just said it’s an actual thing we could do.

CAMERON: I managed one earlier, but…

NICK: It wasn’t pretty.

CAMERON: I am going to do Evasive maneuvers as my maneuver.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So what this will do is, I’m just making it harder for everyone basically. It makes ships shooting at us upgrade the difficulty by one but then it also, I think, does the same thing to us.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just because I’m no longer moving in a predictable way. That’s my maneuver. My action, I’m gonna do Gain the Advantage, so we’re basically setting us up to be able to shoot one of the ships really good, and then there’s a lot of other words for how the difficulty of this is determined.

NICK: What if we just set it to hard and keep going?

CAMERON: Okay. Because it’s the relative speeds of the ships or vehicles involved in the attack—

NICK: No, we’re not doing ship speed and all that shit. No.

CAMERON: [laughs] Thank you.

HUDSON: They’re moving at 60 corks per second.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: Are y’all good if I use a light side point to upgrade this?


LILIT: Sure.

CAMERON: Because I have a lot of purples and blacks in this. Okay, one success, two threats.

NICK: Nice. So what does successfully gaining the advantage do?

CAMERON: Well, since you asked, if the check succeeds the pilot ignores all penalties imposed by his own or his opponent’s use—excuse me, use better pronouns—of the Evasive Maneuver starship. Cool, so we now don’t get bothered by my Evasive Maneuvers.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: So everybody upgrades to hit us.

NICK: Very good. Are you trying to maintain distance or let them get closer? That’s the last thing I need to know.

CAMERON: They can get slightly closer.

NICK: Like to medium range?


NICK: Okay. Describe how you evasively maneuver but keep the shots lined up for HK and Xianna.

CAMERON: Karma is flying the Afternoon Delight as she would a much smaller, more manageable ship that just flies better in general, but somehow it’s working. Part of the reason that it is working is that she’s not particularly doing evasive maneuvers like doing zigzags or anything but she’s managing to do things that no one would expect a ship of this size to be doing, like the barrel roll mentioned earlier.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: And is cutting it really close on some asteroids to turn and stuff, and the Afternoon Delight is flying more as if it is in a dogfight and is an active participant in said dogfight where it really shouldn’t be.

NICK: [laughs] Cool. All of these maneuvers allow the other three ships to get closer, but they are really having trouble zeroing in because of how erratic the ship is moving. We are to the last Headhunter’s spot. If you could roll me two greens and a yellow versus hard difficulty still. They’re closer but they’re having trouble lining up with you, trying to hit you with laser cannons.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: Oh, they totally miss, and they actually impose issues upon their other ships as they try to maneuver into a good shot, and their shields kind of overlap and it bounces the other Headhunter out of the way. Ah, that’s a bummer. We’re back to the top where the YT-2400 loops around, disappears into the clouds as you all are dashing through this nebula, and a little while later they come straight at you, head-on, firing their large laser again.


NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty because they’ll get to medium range before they fire but your evasive maneuvers are making that much more difficult, and they’re shooting with two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: Alright, and they have two black dice because we have 2 Forward Defense.

NICK: Oh okay, cool.

CAMERON: Three failures and one threat.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: They explode!

CAMERON: They got a lot of double failures. [laughs]

NICK: They’re really struggling, Karma’s just out-piloting them, and HK and Xianna’s shooting is also making them have to dodge out of the way, and they blow past, and you can just see into the cockpit of this YT-2400 as they fly over you, inverted, and you can see Endo sitting at a command chair and pointing to his pilot to do something, and they whiz by. We’re to a PC slot.

LILIT: I will shoot somebody. What range are we now at?

NICK: You’re at medium range.

LILIT: Do we have blue dice at the moment?

NICK: Yes, you have a blue die from the various shenanigans going on.

LILIT: Okay. That is two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Cool. How much damage does your laser turret do?


NICK: So that’s 8 damage total. Were you shooting at one of the Headhunters—the knock-off X-Wings—or the freighter?

LILIT: I was shooting at the Headhunter.

NICK: Okay, so Xianna, you manage to hit one of these light fighters, and you are able to disable its shields and destroy it.

LILIT: Well, Xianna pulls the trigger and it shoots a laser, and then the laser hits the ship, and it makes a fun little explosion we can hear even though that’s not how it works.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: It’s very nice. There’s fire involved as well. You know, very scientifically grounded fire explosion that we can hear.

NICK: [laughs] The engines tear themselves apart in a blossom of explosion, and that ship is gone.

LILIT: It also somehow looks like the explosion is superimposed over the backdrop of space.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Xianna, that was a very good shot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Hank.

NICK: And we move on to another PC slot. Should we have HK go or Tink?

CAMERON: I say have HK shoot.


NICK: Okay. HK says…

NICK (as HK): Alright, let’s see if I can do the same thing.

NICK: …and he shoots at the other Headhunter. He is going to take a maneuver to aim, so give him an extra blue die. He’s three greens and a yellow, this is average difficulty, and he has an additional blue die because of all the shrapnel that these Headhunters have caused for themselves.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. [snickers] Well, that ain’t great, Hank. Two advantages.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I didn’t roll any successes or any failures. It’s just threats and advantages, and blank dice.

NICK: Wow~ Okay. HK fires rapidly and manages to hem the other two ships close together so they’re not able to maneuver as well, so they’ll have black dice on their actions, but he is not able to hit them as they are too maneuverable and HK is having a little bit too much fun pressing the trigger button more than actually hitting anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank, why are you so shitty at this today?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Maybe I won’t make you a flower crown. I’ll just make you like a silly headband. It won’t be as cool as us.

NICK (as HK): Irritated groaning noise. Look, I’m trying the best I can, but I do not need a flower crown.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can still wear the matching short-shorts.

NICK (as HK): Good, that was the part I was concerned about.

NICK: The last Headhunter is going to go, firing another missile at you all. It’s going to be hard difficulty. They have two black dice, but they are rolling two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: [sighs] They’re really just struggling.

[groovy rock music begins]

So we zoom out and we see, through this green cloud, the Afternoon Delight spiraling and juttering in between obstacles and the mist, and this YT-2400 and this little knock-off X-Wing both flying after it, and there’s lasers and missiles flying in both directions, it’s lit up, it’s very exciting, and no one’s hitting anything. Up next we have a PC slot. We could either do Piloting or Tink could try to repair the ship a little bit.

HUDSON: How damaged are we?

CAMERON: Five out of 25.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can repair the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, the ship’s butt is hurt.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, not the butt!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it has a… has a few scratches. It has some booboos, some ouchies. You know what, I’ll take care of it.

HUDSON: So I walk to the butt of the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it is technically called the butt. I think it is called the ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, I think it’s aft.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s ass. I think… I think Xianna’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you call it aft? That makes no sense. That is like made-up. The ass is a real word.

HUDSON: So, I see that the ship has been hit really hard in the butt, so the wall is kinda shaking like it’s about to fly off, so what I do is I find a mixture of metal and cardboard and I just tape up a wall in front of the wall so if it falls off we have secondary wall.

NICK: Wow, okay. Roll me a Mechanics check at average difficulty to repair this missile impact site.

[groovy rock music ends]

HUDSON: Two triumphs with their successes, four additional successes, and three threats.

NICK: Okay, so you completely repair the damage. What do you spend two triumphs on? You don’t even need the triumphs to repair the damage, so… Do you find something cool? Do you somehow manage to damage one of the other ships? What happens?

HUDSON: I just got this inspiration to start painting a mural with spray paint cans, but it’s like really crappy and we’re in the middle of a battle so I’m not gonna spend a ton of time on it, but I start spray painting it and I trip and a spray paint can kind of breaks through one of the exhaust and floats out through space. You can see the can flipping and flipping and flipping and then it hits the window of one of the Headhunter ships and just explodes. They can’t see anything anymore.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh my gosh. Let’s say it fell into one of the trash chutes and got jettisoned.


NICK: And you fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise]


NICK: But we see a droid flying a Headhunter spinning in towards you, and then there’s the slow tumble of this can of spray paint, and then it hits on the front of their ship, explodes in a red cloud and they can’t see anything, and then a couple of seconds later they smash into an asteroid because they’re flying really fast through an asteroid field. You’re down to just the YT-2400 that has Endo and his crew on it. We’re to the last PC slot.

CAMERON: I’m going to continue Evasive maneuvers and trying to gain the advantage with my Piloting check. Is it still a hard Piloting?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Two successes and four threats.

NICK: Interesting. While they are not able to target you in an effective way they are able to start predicting what your dodging patterns are, so it’s going to be a harder shot, but if they get lucky they’re gonna hit somewhere more important. They’ve started shooting into a specific vector because you keep dodging into that vector which makes you have to change what you’re doing.

We are back to the top, and they are going to fly around in a big loop again and attempt to strafe the top of the ship and stay out of their gun range. This is going to be average, because they’re gonna close in to close range to try to shoot you, and they are shooting their big old laser, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade that to two yellows and a green, and it’s going to be average difficulty. They do have two black dice though. But yeah, they’re shooting the side of your ship this time.

CAMERON: Okay. Port or starboard? … It doesn’t matter, they’re the same.

NICK: Port.

CAMERON: One failure.

NICK: Wow. So they buzz by, they’re just really struggling to hit. You’re able to continually dodge them after the initial missile volley, and they are close to you and pretty much exposed as their weapons recharge. We are to another PC slot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s ask them to surrender!

CAMERON (as Karma): Just shoot ‘em.

HUDSON (as Tink): That seems needlessly—Well, I guess he does want to kill me, doesn’t he?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, they shot us first.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): And if we scare him enough because we shoot him enough maybe he’ll just jump out of his ship and fall into space.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we just shoot them until the ships blow up and then they are dead.

CAMERON (as Karma): That appears to be what he does is he jumps off of things and disappears into space. There’s been a pattern.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can shoot.

LILIT: Are we at medium range?

NICK: You’re at short range now.

LILIT: Ooh. Do I have any blue dice? I believe so. And I will aim. … No good, and no good. Two failures, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. You herd this ship down towards the underside of your ship where it gives HK a clean shot, so he’ll have some blue dice on his, but you all are just this spiraling ballet of piloting acumen. HK’s going to go. He’ll aim, so it’ll be three greens and a yellow and a blue die versus one purple.

CAMERON: Does he get another blue die from Xianna’s advantage?

NICK: Oh yeah, for gaining the advantage he has two more blue die.

CAMERON: Thank you. You can’t short-change Hank. We have to let him murder things good. Well, the purple die is blank, so…


CAMERON: Let me math real quick. Five successes and five advantages!

NICK: Oh… Hey! Do we wanna roll on the ship crit chart?!

CAMERON: [gasps] Yeah!

LILIT: [gasps] Yeah~

NICK: What’s the crit rating on those laser cannons?


NICK: Okay, so it’s just one crit then.

CAMERON: The only time we’ve ever rolled on the ship crit chart is when we were trying to roll on the Human crit chart and… we were wrong.

NICK: Yeah.


CAMERON: That is a 96.

NICK: What’s a 96 do?

HUDSON: Black hole is formed.

NICK: [laughs] Space-time destroyed. Game over.

CAMERON: A 96, Engine Damaged: The ship or vehicle’s maximum speed is reduced by 1 point, to a minimum of 1, until the critical hit is repaired.

NICK: Okay. Both of these large ships—the Afternoon Delight is a bit larger than the YT-2400, but they’re spinning around each other, and HK finally says…

NICK (as HK): Oh, maybe if I just destroy the engines they’ll leave us alone.

NICK: …and there’s a long pause, and a single burst of blaster fire strikes the engine cluster on the back of the ship and it immediately starts to belch fire and smoke and go slower and slower, and you are now able to completely outdistance it. You could just leave it in the nebula and it’s not gonna be able to find you anymore, or you could try and kill it, up to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nice shot, HK.

NICK (as HK): Thank you. The previous shots were me calibrating to this gunnery turret as I am a consummate professional.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

LILIT (as Xianna): You have won back a flower crown.

NICK (as HK): I would like to exchange my flower crown for additional vinyl shorts.

LILIT (as Xianna): You want to just wear two pairs?

NICK (as HK): Maybe I’ll change colors halfway through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, okay.

HUDSON: I call Endo on the holo phone.

NICK: He picks up immediately. There’s sparks shooting in the background that you can see picked up on the hologram. You’re still in the rear of the ship, but you hit the com button that’s next to the door, because there’s little holo coms in each room.

NICK (as Endo): [angrily] What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think someone owes someone else an apology for being a little bit mean earlier.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, I’m sorry, did the fact that you destroyed two ships with friends in it and the fact that we’re trying to steal things from you not show that we’re enemies?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just saying you have a chance to turn things around as your ship is blowing up in front of you.

NICK (as Endo): No, it’s just really damaged. It’s not gonna blow up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s… Alright, it was great talking to you.


NICK: I was gonna give you the chance to roll like an Intimidation check or something, but—

HUDSON: Well yeah, because we’re gonna blow up the ship. I just didn’t wanna get in the way.


NICK: Are you just gonna kill him?

HUDSON: Yeah, we’re just gonna kill him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Tink’s like “Alright, that was your chance, nah.”

NICK: Okay, and you hang up. We’re to… That NPC’s dead. We’re to another PC slot. Tink, did you wanna try to disable them or hack their system, or do we wanna just let the gunners go again?

HUDSON: I just want the gunners to kill it.

NICK: Okay. Lilit, you wanna shoot these motherfuckers?

LILIT: Sure.

NICK: They’re still at close range. Their speed is down. You get two blue dice, and you can get another blue die for aiming, and it’s one purple.

LILIT: I will aim then.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That is three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright, yeah. You’re able to disable this ship, dramatically. Where do you shoot it?

LILIT: The ass.

NICK: You shoot it in the ass! The engines flair and explode outwards, and the ship begins to drift dead in space. Tink, the com call that you had connected to Endo had been trying to reconnect with you as Endo tried to call you back when you hung up, and it goes dead. The ship is destroyed. You have completely defeated it.

You’re able to fly off into the nebula. You can see that the ship was leaking atmosphere behind you. It’s done for. After taking some quick turns and navigating a little bit closer you’re able to find this small moon nestled inside the middle of the nebula.

After you pull into the moon you’re able to find a small square building nestled into a crater on the north pole of this moon and you figure that that’s probably your destination, and we see you set down and the ramp drop and the four of you stepping off of the ship, and you have those clear breathing masks with the tubes that connect to their belt because there isn’t good atmosphere on this little moon, and they walk towards the low square building. That’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 14 PowerPoint You in the Right Direction

PDF download: S2 Episode 14 PowerPoint You in the Right Direction

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 14:
PowerPoint You in the Right Direction

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This week we have two new patrons to thank. First of all, Steve and Elaine Robertson. That’s my parents! Thank you so much for supporting the show. Your generosity knows no bounds. The crew of the Afternoon Delight may need some strategy consultants in the coming months, and I hope you’ll clear your calendars. Make sure to brush up on your strategic invasion plans. Erika Hammel, thank you so, so much for your support. Karma has a long to-do list around the ship that never seems to get done and is willing to exchange vibro-sword training for a helping hand, so I hope you have some skills repairing the ambient lighting and also have an interest in cool swishy sword techniques.

This episode features a patron-created NPC. Kelbin Blitz is the creation of Tucker Maltby. Thanks again, Tucker, for your wonderful support.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 14! I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Bringing it into the new season, it’s chilly outside and we’re cold in our hearts.

LILIT: [flatly] Correct.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yes. Indeed.

CAMERON: I was confused. I thought you meant like the new season of Tabletop Squadron. I was like, Nick, this is Episode 14 of the new season. We’ve been there.

NICK: No, like weather season, weather season.


HUDSON: I thought you meant it’s cold in our hearts and chili in our bowls.

NICK: That too.

LILIT: I didn’t make chili today!

HUDSON: Oh yeah, it was, uh…

LILIT: There’s no chili in our bowls.

HUDSON: It was shepherd’s pie.

LILIT: Yes, it was a lentil shepherd’s pie.

NICK: Shepherd’s pie in our bowls.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: It was delicious. [laughs] Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce their selves, say who you’re playing, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we were together go ahead and let us know what you spent that on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I used my experience to buy Disarming Smile which allows me to make an opposed Charm check and lower a target’s Defense rating.

NICK: Oh wow. Wonderful. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I spent some of my experience points to get a new talent on my Marauder tree, and I bought another rank in Toughened, so I gained another 2 to my wound threshold.

NICK: What does that bring your wound threshold to?

CAMERON: Twenty-two.

NICK: … That’s a lot. I think that’s more wounds than a TIE fighter has?

CAMERON: I am a TIE fighter.

NICK: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: We are slowly turning into Voltron.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Hey, it’ll work.

LILIT: With my cargo space and her armor we soon will be a mech.

NICK: Oh my gosh. We’ll just tape jetpacks to all of y’all and then use the vehicle rules going forward.

LILIT: Tink is gonna learn how to jetpack and he will be that component.

HUDSON: No-no-no, you’re a mech and I’m a PC, and we’ll have commercials where we battle each other.

CAMERON: [long groan]

NICK: [laughing groan]




NICK: No. And last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I had a lot of experience that I needed to spend.

NICK: Yup.

HUDSON: So, I spent 70 points out of my 90…


HUDSON: …and I bought three things on my tree. I got Codebreaker to remove one black die per rank in Codebreaker from checks to break codes or decrypt communications, and it decreases the difficulty of checks to break codes or decrypt communications by one.


HUDSON: I also bought Mental Fortress: Spend one Destiny Point to ignore effects of critical injuries or Intellect or Cunning checks until the end of the encounter. That’s pretty good.

NICK: Yeah, especially because you get critically injured a lot.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: I do. Then the most exciting one, Dedication: I gain +1 to a single characteristic.


NICK: Yay~

LILIT: Nice.

HUDSON: I put 1 in Agility, so that made it go from 2 to 3.

NICK: Cool! [laughs] So that’s everybody I guess. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.


NICK: So that’s four dark side points, you say?

CAMERON: Yes it is.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Good. Wonderful.

LILIT: Gonna be fine.

NICK: It’ll be fine! So when we last left off you had recently escaped from prison. Congratulations.


NICK: You and your three newest and closest friends had hijacked a freighter that was dropping off supplies, convinced the captain to take you somewhere else, and had just arrived near the Janga Shipyards. So, let’s go ahead and get into it.

We see the boxy freighter piloted by your new and apparently old friend, Kelbin Blitz, settle gently on a landing pad in a bustling industrial area. You have made it to the Janga Shipyards, an out of the way stop for long-haul freighters and emergency repairs. It is far from the eyes of the Empire, and the people you see wandering around outside look relaxed but vigilant. The entire station seems to be made of blocky gray pieces welded together, and a diffused yellow light washes over every surface. It’s source is unclear.

So the ship sets down and you all are kind of clustered into this tight space. Kelbin turns around in his chair and says:

NICK (as Kelbin): Alright gang, this is it. I guess you may be a little obvious in these prison clothes. Xianna looks good, but everybody else, just, if you could get away from my ship as fast as possible so that we don’t get in trouble, that’d be good, and I’ll leave, and it’s been fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, thank you~

HUDSON (as Tink): Great riding with you. It was a smooth ol’ ride.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah, I specialize in being smooth.

NICK: He winks with his very large Bith eye, and the landing ramp falls down with a clang, and you can exit the ship if you want.

HUDSON: I leave after giving a very crisp thumbs up to him.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, bye everybody.

NICK: He does the awkward finger-wiggle wave at you, and you all leave the ship. You’re about two parking spaces away from where we can actually see the Afternoon Delight has been long-term docked. Karma, this is where you left your ship before getting arrested on purpose.


NICK: Before infiltrating the prison to help Sentinel to escape. As you get close, bystanders are giving some odd looks to Karma and Blue and Tadzi and Sentinel and Ziller in their prison jumpsuits.

CAMERON: Ziller could have taken his off too.

NICK: He didn’t though.


NICK: You get to the door of the Afternoon Delight and the panel indicates that the ship has been locked down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, how do we unlock the… Hey, karma, how do you unlock this?

CAMERON (as Karma): I just need to go pick up the keys with the mechanic.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh!

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. That scared me for a second. Sorry.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I didn’t take the clicker with me. That would have been dumb.

NICK: So you head your way over to the office where you have docking fees and things. Karma, you had prepaid the docking fee so that wasn’t an issue. There is an attendant there that is a Selkath wearing an orange jumpsuit with a vest that is staring blankly into space and seems to be ignoring you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Joe! How’d she go?

NICK (as Joe): You’ve been gone for a while. I didn’t think that you were gonna be gone that long this time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I didn’t either, but… ended up, on my vacation, found a bounty and then, you know, felt obligated to turn them in, and that took a bit longer than expected, because normally it just goes a lot faster because I have my own ship, but I was like hitchhiking with a bounty which is something that I would not recommend doing. It’s a little weird.

NICK (as Joe): Yeah, I’m surprised somebody would let a bounty hunter with their bounty hitch a lift. You must have been very persuasive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mostly helped I found a prison transport that was heading to Kajim anyway, so…

NICK (as Joe): Ahh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Didn’t have to do the convincing to get there, because they were already there, just had to haggle for some cargo space.

NICK (as Joe): Great. Well what can I help you with?

CAMERON (as Karma): Just need to pick up the Afternoon Delight.

NICK (as Joe): Well, it’s right where you left it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, I know, but you have my keys.

NICK (as Joe): What keys?

CAMERON (as Karma): Those keys.

CAMERON: Karma points, and it has an adorable keychain on it that is a little loth-rat.

NICK: A little loth-rat keychain?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Joe laughs.

NICK (as Joe): Ah… I was hoping to get a little bit more of a rise from you for that joke, but yeah, here you go. You paid in advance, so you’re good to rock and roll.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you!

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns and walks over to the ship.

NICK: We get one of those clock wipes that goes in a circle, and we see Karma and Tink and Xianna and Tadzi and HK and Ziller and Blue all gathered around the hot tub which has the lid on it as the ship is slowly booting up and you can hear the sound of the lights turning on throughout the ship and it coming out of rest mode. You have a minute to yourselves. The current plan was to drop your new friends from Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility here, but they seem a little nervous about heading out on their own right away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Everyone, get in, we’re doing a selfie.

[quirky music begins]

Oh, Sentinel, is there a thing like if there’s a picture taken of you it doesn’t show up because of the way you are…?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): What?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, Tink…

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, that is just vampires.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s just mirrors. Oh, it’s just mirrors with Sentinel. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s vampires, not Jedi.

NICK (as Sentinel): What?!

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’s mirrors either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh… Jedi don’t—? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, vampires don’t show up in mirrors. That is like a very common trope.

HUDSON (as Tink): But Sentinel’s not a vampire. I just thought that, you know…

NICK (as Sentinel): How about I take the photo? I don’t really need photo evidence of who I’m associating with.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well now I am suspicious, Sentinel. Why don’t you want to be in the photo?

NICK (as Sentinel): Because I’m a wanted criminal?

LILIT (as Xianna): Is it because you’re not going to show up in it?

NICK (as Sentinel): No! I’m going to—Look.

NICK: He grabs the data pad that Tink was holding and poses and does kawaii peace sign fingers and a really big smile and goes (click) and then turns the screen around to show you a picture of Sentinel looking kawaii. There is a little bit of distortion on the photo, but otherwise he’s in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Okay, sure. This checks out. That’s not like an illusion or something, right?

NICK (as Sentinel): So could you delete that photo, please? I just don’t think it turned out that well.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it looks very super cute.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, well…

HUDSON: I say “sure” and then I back it up to the cloud.


CAMERON: But then make a big show of pressing Delete and showing Sentinel that it’s gone now.

HUDSON: Yes, exactly.

[quirky music ends]

NICK (as Sentinel): Again, one of the most wanted people in the galaxy responsible for rebellious action against the Empire. Just don’t want photos of me floating around that can be used to derail my plans to bring freedom to the galaxy. You all understand, you’ve helped me before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, which is why Tink deleted the photo.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I post selfies of my crimes all the time and I have never been caught because of them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, she calls them crimies.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not what I call them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well that’s what I call them.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve only ever been caught for unrelated events.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I believe that you are discounting the contribution that your “crimies” may have made towards the act of apprehending you.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, because most of the times that I have been arrested it has had nothing to do with the selfies. I mean, two of the times I turned myself in on purpose.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, to be fair though, the selfies are linked to your profile.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which one? I have lots of profiles.

HUDSON (as Tink): In Spacebook.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, not in Spacebook, within the bounty hunter logs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have like ten Spacebook profiles.

NICK: They’re all friends with each other so that Xianna’s follower count is higher.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And so that they can catfish more effectively.

[groaning laughter]

LILIT: Yes, because you want to make it look like you have real friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): A few of the times I have been arrested it was because I went up and antagonized the troopers, so I really don’t feel like the selfies have ever impacted it.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, does anyone else want to be a big baby like Sentinel and not be in the group photo, or are we gonna do a group photo, fam?

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m good with doing a group photo.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah brother. Let’s take a picture of all of us having recently escaped prison. That can’t backfire at all, can it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope.

NICK: Blue nods slowly.

NICK (as Blue): Yes, I think that a group photo to commemorate this event is in order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay! Alright, Sentinel, here’s the camera. Do I need to show you how to use it?

NICK (as Sentinel): I literally just took a selfie, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, but do you know how to turn the camera around the other way?

NICK: He rolls his eyes…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: …and rolls his chair back so that he can get everybody in the frame and holds it up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Everybody strike a cute pose and say… balance to the Force.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cheese~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Balance—Cheese.

CAMERON (as Karma): Balance to the Force… This is not a good smiling saying. Force brings all of your mouth like forward, not in a smile.

NICK: Click!


NICK: And we get a cute photo of everyone having escape prison looking very happy. Tadzi turns around and looks at everybody and takes a step back from the group.

NICK (as Tadzi): So, I think I can make whatever I need to happen happen here in the spaceport. Could I borrow some clothes or something? I’d rather not wander around wearing a jumpsuit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Come this way, I’ll show you our costume closet.

NICK (as Tadzi): Awesome!

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue, do you need anything?

NICK (as Blue): Yeah, a jumpsuit sounds nice. That would be helpful I think.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, come on. Ziller, I’m assuming you’re good, that you’re just gonna strip.

NICK: [laughing] Ziller grabs the hips of his prison jumpsuit and pulls, tearing it away in one smooth motion, revealing that he has like an ammo belt on underneath.

[fabric tearing sound]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that’s what I thought. Cool.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah brother, I’m ready to go.

NICK: So what outfits do you pick out for Blue and Tadzi?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, ooh! Karma, Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Do these two.

HUDSON: I point to two outfits. One of them is the color pallet of light gray, like a shiny gray and a dark blue, and the other one is dark blue and yellow, and they’re like kind of latex but a loose crinkly latex, and it looks like what the 90s thought the future of space would look like.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I’m getting this directly from the movie Good Burger when they’re in Mondo Burger and all of the people are wearing the Mondo Burger uniforms.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I know exactly what outfit you are talking about.

CAMERON: I feel this.


NICK: Yeah, so for some reason you have one of those in Herglic size and one of those in Tadzi’s size as well. They suit up.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well, you know, I have gotten pretty used to jumpsuits, so I’m fine just kinda switching it out for something—well, I was going to say less conspicuous, but hiding in plain sight’s a thing.

NICK: Blue nods.

NICK (as Blue): Yeah, I don’t feel conspicuous at all. I’m sure it will be fine.

NICK: So you all meet back up and we see the ramp of the Afternoon Delight come down, and Ziller gives a thumbs up to everyone.

NICK (as Ziller): Honestly, I’m surprised to have lived through that, brother. I really thought that we were going to have a conflict of interest and it was going to end in mortal combat. So… here’s to new friends, I guess.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, to new friends! I’m excited that we were able to reconnect, brother, and I’m sure that we’ll cross paths eventually. There’s no need to cry over me. I’m… I’m fine. [sobs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Ziller, if we cross paths again and you’re doing crimes I will arrest you again.

NICK (as Ziller): Not if I arrest you first. Heh-ha!

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think you understand how this works.

NICK (as Ziller): Well, with that very clear communication, off I go to do not crime.

NICK: Ziller leaves, and Blue says:

NICK (as Blue): This has been a lot of fun. Karma, if you need something heavy lifted, you let me know. I’d be happy to work with you again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks!

CAMERON: We touch data pads and it magically transfers our contact information to each other. [laughs]

NICK: Sure. She hefts the huge repeating blaster that she’s had with her this whole time and walks out into the crowd. Tadzi looks at all of the group, and they seem a little more hesitant to leave.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well… goodbye everyone.

NICK: Tadzi leans in and puts a hand on the side of HK’s face.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’ll miss you most of all, tin man.

NICK: Then they turn and say:

NICK (as Tadzi): Just kidding! Bye Xiann, love you~!

LILIT (as Xianna): Byeee~!

NICK: And off they go, and you have the ship to yourself, just the crew of the Afternoon Delight and Sentinel, and the ramp goes up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Now that our… I guess accomplices is the best word. Now that our accomplices have left, I have something I need to talk to you all about. Would you be willing to listen?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I like the word compatriots better, but sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will sit here, but I cannot promise I will listen the entire time.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s fine. I was actually going to go to the holo theater. I have sort of a presentation, I think, if I can find where the file is stashed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Slideshows can make it more fun.

NICK (as Sentinel): We’ll do that then.

NICK: He heads down the hall. You go to the holo theater, and you can see he’s tapping through the core computer and pulls up a file that, Tink, you don’t recognize but looks like it was saved locally.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ve been working on this for… longer than we’ve known each other, but we got a little sidetracked helping the Rebellion.

LILIT (as Xianna): [as a groan] Oh no, Sentinel, please don’t make us read your screenplay.

NICK (as Sentinel): No, no-no-no, the screenplay I already have a couple of investors for.

NICK: He smiles real wide.

NICK (as Sentinel): There, I went along with the joke. Did it work?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yay. Very good, very funny.

NICK (as Sentinel): Thank you, Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Do you actually have a screenplay or not?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, I don’t have a screenplay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ve been organizing military action for the last five years. When would I have had time to do that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know what you do in your free time.

NICK (as Sentinel): You have free time?! How do I get that? That sounds amazing.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just, uh, skirt responsibilities.

NICK (as Sentinel): Ah, that doesn’t sound like something I would be interested in doing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or, you share your responsibilities with other people so that you all have more free time.

NICK (as Sentinel): What a wonderful suggestion, Xianna. Now that you bring that up, let’s talk a little bit about a new responsibility I may be able to interest you all in.

NICK: Sentinel clicks a controller and you can see some geometric shapes show up on the holo display in various colors and patterns.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t have any images of the items themselves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are these the plans for your new makeover for your little loft?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, this is a series of powerful and mysterious artifacts, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): There better be some wacky transitions in this presentation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I like the clip arts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, do you have the clip arts?!

NICK: Sentinel rolls his eyes and hits a button on the controller and the slide shifts to the next one and it shows the Imperial logo and you hear (whoosh).

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh, I love the way you made the Imperial logo pinwheel in.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very nice.

[low humming music begins]

NICK (as Sentinel): So, there are a series of artifacts referred to as the Shattered Force.

NICK: He hits another slide, (whoosh) and it shows the Jedi symbol.

NICK (as Sentinel): These are items that were imbued with power and the capabilities to rearrange the galaxy itself if placed within the right… or wrong, hands. An ancient prophecy says that balance can be restored to the Force if these seven items are brought together. There’s debate amongst the translations, but if someone were to use all seven at the same time they may be able to become one with the Force. They could become a god.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Aren’t we all like one with the Force? Isn’t it like inside all of us? Because it’s not a vampire, you don’t have to ask it in, it just can go there.


NICK: Sentinel stops. You can tell that this is something he’s been thinking about and you’ve knocked him off track.

NICK (as Sentinel): [stammers] No, become one with the Force like gain true and unified control with the power that flows through the entire galaxy, a power that’s unbelievably strong.

LILIT (as Xianna): … If you say so. I thought we all have the Force inside of us, it’s just that some people are better equipped to manipulate it and use it, and that’s what it is.

NICK (as Sentinel): Why do you know so much about the Force, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea. I think one of those educational channels got left on while I took a nap and I just absorbed it all. There was something about midi-chlorians?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the Mighty Midi-chlorians, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, the mitochondria.

HUDSON (as Tink): [singing] The Mighty Midi-chlorians are coming for you~

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that song.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh no, midi-chlorians, that’s not a real thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s like a phrenology stuff. That’s not real.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s bad.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s an old belief that some people cling to but doesn’t have really anything to do with the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s probably why the video I saw was in black and white.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yep, those old Jedi Temple videos get a little weird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because everyone knows that new holos are in blue and white.

NICK: Sentinel shakes his head as though trying to collect his thoughts.

NICK (as Sentinel): So, this god-like Force power, I want to harness it to destroy the emperor. I don’t think we need to use them all at once, but these incredibly powerful items even operating independently could change the balance of power in the galaxy. I know the emperor has been looking for them, but I don’t think he’s found any of them yet. I’ll be honest, after my imprisonment what little remained of my funds from the Fondor operation went to covering the end of expenses for final wrap-up operations, but this is wildly important. I hope that you would be willing to help me for the sake of the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you’re telling me that I get to steal shit, I am always down for that.

NICK (as Sentinel): And you steal shit to help destroy the Empire.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess that is like an extra bonus.

NICK (as Sentinel): If you were able to find even one of these artifacts they could potentially lead you to more, and I have a lead on a single one at this time.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I want to know what they all are.

NICK (as Sentinel): We don’t know, exactly.

CAMERON (as Karma): You just know that there’s seven ‘items’ in the galaxy?

NICK (as Sentinel): There’s seven mystical items. Yes. Well, that’s not true. I don’t know what they all are. One of them I have already attempted to send you to go and collect, and you failed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, also, it had already been turned into underwear.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, was it the thong?

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, I believe the power would have been still able to work though, even if the shape had been fundamentally changed.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if I’m a mystical item? What if I’m the piece you need?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] What if the real treasure was in Tink all along?!

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] It’s always been in me.

NICK: Tink, Sentinel nods seriously.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, come here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Lean in close so that I can touch your face.

NICK: He holds his hand up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Am I being anointed?

NICK (as Sentinel): Sure. I want to see something.

NICK: He reaches out and puts his hand on your forehead, and he closes his eyes. Nothing seems to happen for a while, and Sentinel furrows his brow and seems to be concentrating very carefully, then he gently slaps the side of your cheek and sits back in his wheelchair.

[low humming music ends]

NICK (as Sentinel): Nope. Sorry. You don’t have anything that’s going to be useful as far as the mystical Force powers go. I had some hopes, but looks like that’s not amongst your skillset.

LILIT: Xianna pops out of her chair.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh! Wait.

LILIT: Then runs into her room and you just hear a lot of shuffling and things being thrown around, and after a moment Xianna comes back with a box.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Sentinel, I have this weird creepy mask. Is this one of your artifacts?

LILIT: And pulls out the mask.

NICK: It looks kind of like the masks from Knights of the Old Republic, like the full helmet with the very basic features and scary stripes. Sentinel sits up straight.

NICK (as Sentinel): [shaken] What the kriff are you doing with that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve been keeping it in a box.

NICK (as Sentinel): You didn’t try to put it on or anything, did you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I did, but there was like weird static or something, so I took it off. It didn’t really fit over my lekku anyways.

NICK (as Sentinel): That is not one of the mystic items. If you could place that back in the box… and then destroy it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. But wait, what happens if I put it on?

NICK (as Sentinel): Don’t. Don’t put it on. Xianna…

LILIT (as Xianna): But what happens?!

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I cut out holes in the back for my lekku?

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna, look me in the eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Do not put on that mask.

LILIT (as Xianna): What happens if I do?!

NICK (as Sentinel): You will be possessed by an ancient and terrifying Sith ghost.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, but that sounds so much fun!

NICK (as Sentinel): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I have a baby sitter that can like watch while I do it so that I don’t do anything bad and can make sure I stay hydrated?

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re going to have a babysitter for the rest of your life, because we will never be able to remove the Sith spirit from your body.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. It doesn’t come back off with the helmet?

NICK (as Sentinel): No. Don’t put on the mask.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would it not come back off if you take the mask off?

NICK (as Sentinel): Because it’s a prison for that horrible Sith ghost of some kind. I don’t recognize those markings.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did they put a prison in the mask?!

LILIT (as Xianna): A mask is the worst place for a prison, because people are going to put it on.

NICK (as Sentinel): Look, I’m not an expert in ancient Jedi rituals from the time of the Jedi Sith Wars. That was just a thing that they did.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you not, like, imprison it in an object that nobody was going to use? Like a shoehorn. You know, those things that help you get your shoes on? I don’t actually know anyone who uses them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I used it to stir my milk once.

CAMERON (as Karma): Gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t have anything to stir my milk into the cereal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why were you stirring your milk into the cereal?

HUDSON (as Tink): To get it just equally soggy.

NICK (as HK): I once killed a man with a shoehorn.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so I guess HK uses a shoehorn, and I guess there are probably people who use it to help them get shoes on. Okay, so maybe it wouldn’t work, because then somebody’s foot would get possessed with the Sith spirit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or somebody’s shoe would.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the shoe would, however that one works. They should have put it in like a jar of Marmite or something.

NICK (as HK): Sentinel, was the Sith originally imprisoned in a shoehorn which then imprisoned it in a shoe which then imprisoned it in someone’s foot which then imprisoned it in someone’s sock which then imprisoned it in that mask?

NICK (as Sentinel): What?! No. Look, the ritual involved a mask, I think they put it on the—

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. What if we put the mask on top of Creamsicle? Would she become possessed by the Sith spirit?

NICK (as Sentinel): It depends on Creamsicle’s capacity for channeling the Force, really. I wouldn’t risk it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think she has that capacity.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So we gotta find these artifacts. I know exactly what’s needed. I think we need to put Hank back into investigation mode.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is never happening ever again. We will not speak of that time that it happened. We don’t need to go into it.

NICK (as HK): Please no. Please, Tink, please no.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] Okay, fine.

NICK (as HK): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): It killed him. He was dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): He wasn’t dead.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes he was. He died.

CAMERON (as Karma): He was no longer Hank.

NICK (as HK): I was not dead. It was worse than death.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): The cap was so ugly.

NICK: In an expression that you’re becoming more and more familiar with, and Sentinel seems more and more comfortable making, he puts a finger on each of his temples and rubs for a second.

NICK (as Sentinel): Alright. Can I finish telling you about these massive superweapons, please, and what I need you to do?

HUDSON (as Tink): How many slides are left?

NICK (as Sentinel): Like three?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, well I’m good.

NICK (as Sentinel): And one just says Questions.

NICK: So he hits a button.

NICK (as Sentinel): The one that I’ve been able to track is called the Spirit Breaker. It appears to be an orb that interferes with people’s Force sensitivity. I don’t know what else it can do.

NICK: He hits a button and the slide changes and you just see a blue crystal orb about the size of a softball.

NICK (as Sentinel): I was able to track it through the use of many different resources and contacts to a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula. It looks like it was sent with a Jedi there before the Clone Wars, and I was able to get that information from the old Jedi records.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I have seen that before.

NICK (as Sentinel): Really?

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, it looks like one of those balls that light up and people bring to raves and do cool tricks with. You know, one of those?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, like a light-up fushigi.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes!

NICK (as Sentinel): No, actually I don’t know one of those.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’ve never—Okay, we will go to a rave the next time we are on a cool city, and it is lots of fun.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ll tell you what, if you assemble the seven items of the Shattered Force I will go to a rave with you.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just assemble six? Because one of them was turned into underwear, so I don’t know how useful it will be.

NICK (as Sentinel): It still counts.

LILIT (as Xianna): It still counts? Oh okay, we will go steal the underwear.

NICK (as Sentinel): Fetch me the underwear. Wonderful. There’s two things that I would need. One, if you could drop me off somewhere where I could reunite with my droid assistant, I can attempt to gather more information for you from afar, and two—

LILIT (as Xianna): You will need a mesh top. You don’t have to have the mesh top, I just feel like it’s a very popular outfit and maybe like some glow sticks, some black light reactive makeup, that’s fun too, and glitterstim, which I have, but you can borrow some of mine.

NICK: Sentinel smiles, and it looks like he’s trying to be annoyed but is actually just very happy with having been released from prison and being reunited with you all.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tell you what, at this rave I’ll let you pick the outfit, the makeup, the accessories, all of it, whatever you think would be the best experience, but please, for the safety of the galaxy, please reunite me with my droid assistant and be aware that if you jump to the Typhonic Nebula you’re not going to be able to jump straight to these coordinates. You’re going to have to approach on sub-light drives, because this nebula interferes with gravitational pull, and you should know that a lot of the ships that go into this cloud never return.

CAMERON (as Karma): Great.

NICK: We get a quick sideswipe, and we see Endo the Tognath standing around a holo projector in another darkened room surrounded with scary looking aliens and mercenaries and pilots. There’s a little hologram of Tink, and you hear the audio of Sentinel saying “but beware, some of the ships that go into that cloud never return,” and Endo has a blank look on his alien and masked face covered in exoskeleton, and then we jump back to the ship. Sentinel smiles wide and says:

NICK (as Sentinel): So, would you be able to drop me off somewhere where I can meet back up with my droid?

HUDSON (as Tink): Which droid? Is it Capster?

CAMERON (as Karma): Cappy.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I call him the Capster.

LILIT (as Xianna): Chappy.

HUDSON (as Tink): The Capster is what I call him. He doesn’t like it, but I call him that.

NICK (as Sentinel): He must have changed his designation, I don’t remember that, but yes, that sounds like him. If you could drop me at the Canto Bight Casino, I have contacts there and could be reunited with my droid.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second. Wait, wait, we almost let him get away without telling us what we get if we do all these things for him for free.

LILIT (as Xianna): We get to take him to a rave!

HUDSON (as Tink): Other than that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I also assumed we could just steal whatever we wanted while also stealing these things.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s true. Tink, unfortunately I don’t have any more credits. I gave what I had left to you all in exchange for the last mission. I was hoping that you would help me with this out of compassion for the galaxy and to try to make everyone’s lives better.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… Do you have any, like, secret recipes or secret family history that you can tell me that I’d get excited about and want to know about but I have to wait until the end of the mission to hear?

NICK (as Sentinel): As long as there are no follow-up questions… yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Good enough for me.


NICK: We swipe to… We see Sentinel rolling across a landing pad that’s covered in gold and shiny fake gems, and we see Cappy the silver protocol droid walking to him, and they give each other a brief hug and then begin exchanging information rapidly, and the Afternoon Delight pulls back out into space. We see karma sitting in the captain’s chair typing in the coordinates that Sentinel was able to leave for this mystical artifact, and the ship snaps into hyperspace, and we get a brief montage of everyone picking up their gear.

CAMERON: Karma just walks out of her bedroom and is wearing her new armor and is re-strapping all of her normal weapons back to herself.

NICK: Yeah, so Karma, you picked up some really cool armor that you had custom-made during your time away from the group. Describe the new armor. What does it look like?

[dramatic and powerful fantasy music begins]

CAMERON: So it is made of abyss sea dragon scales. It is a black with the green and purple kind of raven’s feather type sheen to it. It looks as if you’re playing a game like Skyrim and you’ve got the dragon armor, so it has the scale-type look of the chest plate, a couple of pointy shoulders and knees for added coolness effect, and still wearing really cool boots but now just the boots match the sheen of the rest of the armor. I’m gonna go ahead and up my Soak value.

NICK: Yeah, you might as well.

CAMERON: Heheheh. Karma just looks like she can take a hit way better now.

[fantasy music ends]

NICK: [laughs] Tink, where do you go to pick up your gear that you stashed before going to prison?

HUDSON: I have to stop at a few places across the galaxy, but the primary places that I go to… So I go to the planet of Florrum which is this sulfurous desert planet featured in Star Wars: The Clone Wars, the 2009 TV series according to the internet.


HUDSON: I go over there and there’s not much on that planet, it’s kind of desolate right now, but there is one place. I go to the last storage unit that this planet has ever had called The Last Storage Unit on the Planet, and it has a sign that just says “no questions asked,” and I picked it because of that so like they don’t know what my stuff is even though I have really not much to hide. So, I go around and I type in the key code on one of the storage units, and it opens, and there’s all my stuff including my vibro-axe.

NICK: Yeah. We see a small pile of electronics, a grenade, some random snacks, a pile of sticky wooden sticks that look like they may have been some popsicles that you dumped in there but they’ve melted long before. You are able to gear back up, grab your bandoliers, your backpack, your axe, and you are fully geared up.

[bloopy video game music begins]

HUDSON: The other place I go to before I leave is, I guess this would be on the same planet, there’s like a series of shopping centers, and what I do in order to not have a bank account, because I don’t really trust the imperial banking system, I go and I put things on layaway or I preorder videos games or movies or things like that, and I pay for those items in increments, and just as I’m at the point where I could actually buy it I get a refund of all my money. I do this with like 30 items.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: So I just have to keep keeping it up with like a spreadsheet on my holo pad, but I go through and I collect all the money from all the stuff I’ve had on layaway since I’ve been in prison and all the things I’ve preordered.

NICK (as clerk): But sir, there was a price drop, so actually you’ve paid for this holovision.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… but uh, I was walking down the street and I found this, I found it, and I don’t need it anymore, so I need the money.

NICK (as clerk): I guess you could return it, but if you don’t have the receipt for what you found then it’ll have to be for store credit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, okay fine.

NICK: So you get all of your credits and a Space BestBuy gift card. [laughs]


[bloopy music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, where have you stashed your gear?

LILIT: So, Xianna heads over to one of Nolaa’s many apartments and knocks on the door.

NICK: There is a very long pause. You’re starting to think maybe you were wrong about Nolaa’s schedule and where she would be at this time. Then, after a while, the door cracks open on the little security chain and you see a sliver of her face and an eye peering out.

[somber emotional music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): What do you want?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so… hello. I kind of left a lot of my stuff here. Uh, I didn’t tell you I was leaving some of my stuff here, but I did, in case you haven’t found it yet. Also, you do have my pet loth-rat. And also…

LILIT: Xianna puts a hand into one of the pockets and pulls out the shank toothbrush.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a toothbrush that I can put on the counter.

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then the door slams shut, and then you hear some rattling and the door opens all the way, and Nolaa turns around and walks back into a well-appointed and comfortable looking apartment.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you better come in. I think we have a little bit more to talk about.

NICK: She sits down on a couch, and you can see Creamsicle comes out from behind the couch and climbs up on Nolaa’s shoulder but is staring at you and perched on her back legs.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] My baby has forgotten me. I was gone for too long. Creamsicle?

NICK: Creamsicle immediately jumps off of Nolaa’s shoulder and runs over to you…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

NICK: …and like climbs up your leg and up onto your collarbone and nestles under your chin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Never mind. I guess she did not forget me.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s been… like two weeks? I don’t think that your loth-rat, who is very smart by the way and gets into a lot of trouble—

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. She may be Force-sensitive.

NICK (as Nolaa): I… don’t think she is. I think she just has really sharp teeth and is a formerly wild animal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe that, but who knows. We will have to see.

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Come in, sit down, shut the door. Let’s talk.

LILIT: Xianna closes the door and goes and sits on one of the couches.

NICK: Nolaa leans back and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): Despite myself, I am actually really happy to see you, Xianna. How did it go? You okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I am great actually. It was very good. Uh… You know, I always enjoy a prison stay where I can cause a riot, so that was fun.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, you started a riot?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, at least one.

NICK (as Nolaa): Interesting.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we got out. It was very lovely. And then, as you can see, I got this toothbrush so that I can keep it here, because I understand that I have commitment issues and maybe I should not have laughed at you when you asked if I wanted to maybe keep a few things at some of your places.

[somber music ends]

NICK (as Nolaa): Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking while you were in prison, huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. When I was not making Mandalore cocktails I was introspecting.

NICK: She quirks a smile and tosses one of her lekku over her shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Xianna, I really am happy to see you. Um… The thing is, it’s not that the toothbrush is what we were talking about, it’s wanting to have a toothbrush here. Does that make sense to you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I understand. That is why I only brought one toothbrush, because you have like four apartments, so really I would need multiple toothbrushes. This was a symbolic gesture.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. I was just checking to make sure that’s where we were going with this. Sometimes you’re a little literal and sometimes I’m a little literal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I know that the fight was not actually about a toothbrush but about the fact that I did not want to commit and maybe make myself emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, and I think it just goes back to some deep-seated parental issues.

NICK (as Nolaa): Holy kriff, girl, you really did introspect.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think we can make this work. The argument was about wanting to be closer together, right? So the fact that you’ve tried, like genuinely tried, even if you were causing riots at the time…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, the riots were unrelated to the introspection. They just happened to happen about at the same time.

NICK (as Nolaa): So you were multitasking, and that’s okay. I… I’m really glad you’re back.

NICK: She stands up and walks over to you and gives you a big kiss.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I am glad I am back too, because you have a very good butt and I would be very sad if I could no longer touch it.

NICK: She playfully pushes on your shoulder and picks up Creamsicle and says, straight into Creamsicle’s face, all cutesy…

NICK (as Nolaa): It looks like we’re gonna be seeing more of each other, little girl.

NICK: …and wiggles her around and ruffles up her fur, and we cut away to Xianna leaving the apartment some time later.

LILIT: Xianna is holding up Creamsicle in a hand and looking at her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Creamsicle, you do not have to call her mom yet, just be respectful and listen to her. You know, she is not your parent, but she is your mommy’s very good friend, so you just need to be respectful.

NICK: Creamsicle nips at one of your ear cones and then scuttles down into one of your coat pockets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: And you have recollected all of your gear, you have your coat, you have all the things in your coat…

LILIT: I have a small microscope, and various drugs including experimental ones, and a bunch of credits now, and three grenades, and a very fancy new gun, and lock picking tools, and stim packs, and fuzzy handcuffs, and regular handcuffs, and a lot more.


NICK: And we see you patting down your pockets, pulling things out, checking them, Creamsicle runs from one pocket to another, and dressed in your coat and fully armed you look and feel a bit more like yourself especially having gotten to spend some time with Nolaa. We swipe away to everyone clustered around Karma’s seat in the Afternoon Delight as the last of the coordinates are being punched in for the Typhonic Nebula, and we see all of you looking out the front windscreen as karma grabs the hyperspace handle and is ready to jump onto the next adventure.

LILIT: And in the background Xianna has the mask and is putting it on Creamsicle.


LILIT (as Xianna): Hold on, Creamsicle. I want to see if this works.

NICK: End of episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 13 Hitching A Ride

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 13:
Hitching A Ride

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Okay everyone, today’s episode features a Patreon-created NPC! Kelbin Blitz was created by Tucker Maltby. Thank you so much, Tucker, for your continued support of the show, and we had a blast with Kelbin.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a patron and would like a holiday card from Tabletop Squadron featuring some wonderful art please make sure your address is updated and visible to the squad on Patreon so we can send one your way.

Thank you to everyone again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 13 of Season 2. Really getting into the mix of things. Really just… learning about each other. I think that this has been very good for our relationships with both the audience and the group in general. It’s just been a dang-good time, and we’re happy you’re here with us. I’m trying to vamp and watching Cameron loose her mind as she tries not to—

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I was doing so good until you called me out.

NICK: I started with my “let’s just bring it down a notch” voice, and Cameron started to crack, so I decided to see how far it could go. Anyway. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we were together go ahead and let us know what you spent that on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought two ranks on one of my talent trees, Kill With Kindness and Congenial.

NICK: Fantastic. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I also bought a talent off of my marauder talent tree. I finally had enough for Enduring, so my Soak value went up by 1.

NICK: Wow. What’s your Soak value now?

CAMERON: Base Soak without any armor is 4, with armor is 6.


CAMERON: I’m tanking it up.

NICK: That means you can take a shot from a light blaster and not take damage unless it’s a really careful shot.

CAMERON: Yeah, no biggie.

NICK: Okay! Cool. Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I am hoarding my points forever more. Okay, not forever, but until at least next time.

NICK: A bit longer.


NICK: We won’t say on mic how many points you have saved, but it’s a bunch, for those keeping track at home.

HUDSON: It rhymes with rixty.


NICK: Awesome. Well, before we get with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side, and then my die was hit and it turned to two light side again after Lilit rolled against mine. [laughs]

LILIT: And I rolled one dark side.

NICK: So that’s four light side, one dark side?

LILIT: Correct.

CAMERON: Unless we get four light side for Hudson rolling two twice.

NICK: No, I don’t think so.


NICK: I don’t think that’s how that works. I’ll have to go back and check the rules later.

So, when we last left off you were in the midst of your escape plan. You had made your way through most of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. You had supplied a riot with Mandalore cocktails. You had made it into the air vents. You had a very heartfelt conversation about the importance of toothbrushes in relationships. And you had made it to what you’ve discovered is some sort of loading dock in a cave beneath the facility, and you saw a ship. So, we’ll go ahead and get into it.

We see the crew of escaping prisoners crouched around the grating to an air vent. Karma, Tink, Xianna and HK are joined by Tadzi, Blue, Ziller and Sentinel as they peer into this secured loading dock below them. The dock itself is scattered with large metal boxes. You can see several prison guards amongst the supplies. A single small freighter is being unloaded of what looks like food for the mess hall. The freighter is squat and doesn’t look very fast, but it’s a way off of Kajim, you’ll just have to get to it, across a large mostly-empty landing bay with a number of armed guards and a riot alert going on up above you.

CAMERON: Where is our vent opening in relation to all of the boxes laying around? Like, can we get down from the vent without anyone seeing us or do we need to be sneaky immediately to not be seen?

NICK: So, the thing that I’m picturing, and this happens pretty much any time I picture “hey, you’re trying to sneak across a space port,” is that scene from A New Hope where they get back to the Millennium Falcon on the death star and there’s a pile of boxes next to the vent and then some boxes around and then a big empty space and then the ship. So, if you did a very bad job getting out of the vent someone might notice, but you can get down and there’s some cover, although not really cover for all of you because it’s just one box, so you’re gonna need to  make a plan in the vent and then enact it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright team, looks like that…

CAMERON: And points at the freighter.

CAMERON (as Karma): …is gonna be our ride out of here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s probably the best way to go, but there’s guards in the way. What are we gonna do about that?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So what we are going to do is we will open the vent and then a few people go down behind the box, and then they sneak to the next box, and then the next group of people go down behind the box, and then we just kind of chain like that, so that way there is enough people to fit behind the box at any given time, and less people should go with more sneaky people so that the more sneaky people can help with the sneaks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. My contribution to this plan is going to be how we get from the vent to the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): You jump.

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

NICK & CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s too obvious. That’s going to detect—People are gonna detect what’s going on.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very easy. You just fall down. We just wait for when the guards are not looking towards the box and then you just drop, because we are above the box. It’s just down.

NICK: The camera zooms out and we can see that there is a slight lip between the floor and this, but from the angle and the size of the box it looks like it’s further, and Tink is just standing far enough back from the edge that he’s making some assumptions about the way the room is laid out. But yeah, there is not very far to get to the ground. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so, I know that all of you heard of the childhood toy Barrel of Monkeys, right? They came in a barrel. They were red. … You could just, you know, connect them together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

NICK (as Ziller): I think that was a Gigoran toy, brother, but I’m familiar with it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Great. Alright. So, we basically put our hands to our side like we’re a very disapproving mother…

CAMERON: Karma does it.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. See? Exactly Karma, great. Then we just lock arms like we’re a barrel of monkeys, and then we slowly lower each other down one by one, all connected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink. The vent is only, like…

CAMERON (as Karma): Take a look over the…

CAMERON: Like, pointing at the vent.

HUDSON: I smoosh past everybody and push people against the sides of the vent because I’m too big.

NICK: And you look out, and you see that you’re basically on ground level already.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait, we don’t… I’ll save the barrel of monkeys for another time. It’s a solid plan if we ever get into a situation where the vent is higher up that we’re going through.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t know if everyone in the group has the upper body strength to do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): But it’s definitely a fun idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Use your legs if you can’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa. Wait. We’re hooking legs together?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. If you can’t use your arms, hook your legs if you’re flexible, and that’s where your core strength is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay…?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think your core strength comes from your core. That is why it’s called that.

HUDSON (as Tink): But some core strength deals with your upper body and some core strength deals with your lower body, and the core itself is the one that coordinates all… It’s in my book.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the core is kind of your middle body, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I don’t think that’s how that works.

NICK (as Sentinel): See, I assumed that when Tink said core strength he meant the strength on which they based their efficacy, so he means core strength like what they’re strongest at, and you could be strongest at lower body.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly right. You know what, can you just come with me and be my translator for my ideas? It seems like I run into this a lot where I say something and it’s not understood.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s because most of your ideas and the things you say are nonsense. Now let’s get on with this. Who’s splitting up with who?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m very, very sneaky. I don’t know if you all realize that. I’m not just saying this. Everyone in my team can vouch for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just size-wise, I think it would be wise if we split up Ziller, Tink and Blue into separate groups, because y’all are going to have to duck down farther to hide behind the boxes, so if y’all are all in the same group it’s gonna be more difficult to hide.

HUDSON (as Tink): That makes sense. Let’s do it that way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so y’all are team captains I guess. Choose your teams. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh man, this is bringing me back to memories, high school.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. I don’t think you should have made them team captains.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna and I have override and veto power as the gym coaches.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, because maybe the sneaky people should have been the one picking.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a sneaky person.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are sneaky, but at the same time you are not. It is a very weird thing.

NICK (as Blue): I think this will work out. I’m used to being a team captain because of my inherent strength and size.

NICK: That was Blue, who is in the back of the group and hasn’t been able to see out of the vent yet because she fills literally the entire vent.

NICK (as Ziller): So, who gets first pick, brother?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… I do.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Everyone, give me a pitch, under two minutes each, about who wants to be on my team.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, wait, wait.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): No, no, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe the most sneaky person should go first.

NICK (as Blue): Well, I know I’m not the most sneaky, and Ziller seems okay, but I think if we’re going with the sneakiest of team captains that would actually be Tink in this case.

HUDSON (as Tink): On a scale of 1 to 5, I’d say I’m a 3 in stealth.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just thinking that the stealthiest people should go first so that way they are further along in the path in case the less sneaky people, you know, blow it.

NICK (as Sentinel): So Xianna, are you recommending being a team captain yourself with stealth being a priority?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just saying that maybe the stealthy people should have been the team captains. Maybe if the less sneaky people are team captains they should just pick the sneaky people to go with them? I’m just generally unsure of why the team captains are who they are.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

CAMERON (as Karma): Just because they need to be in separate groups.

HUDSON (as Tink): I pick Sentinel!

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, I think this makes sense having worked with Tink before. This should be absolutely fine.

NICK: He wheels his chair slightly over to be closer to Tink.

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, I’ll go next. I pick Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. That sounds fun.

NICK (as Blue): Well obviously I’m going to take my best friend. Karma, you’re on my side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): [disappointed] Man, I wanted Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you had the choice!

HUDSON (as Tink): I know, but I wanted Sentinel and—

LILIT (as Xianna): You could have done that!

HUDSON (as Tink): I want it all!

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t have it all, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay…

LILIT (as Xianna): That is part of growing up is understanding that you cannot have it all and you must compromise sometimes.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can all rejoin the same team once we make it to the freighter. Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: But you find sometimes… that you get what you need.


HUDSON: No. [laughs]


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, also, HK should go last, that way he can be suppressing fire.

NICK (as HK): I will go last.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool, so whichever team picks HK just be aware you’re going last.

NICK (as Ziller): So Tink, you’re up next. Who you picking, brother?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… I’ll take Tadzi.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yes!

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, that means I get HK I suppose. Well, we have HK so we have to go last. That’s actually gonna be a problem. Um… I would rather go first. HK, you go with Blue and Karma. I think that makes more sense, and it’ll just be Xianna and me, and that way we go first, because we’re both stealthy and we can, um, make it to this freighter and not have any more problems, brother.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems kind of suspicious the way you worded it with your vocal tones and everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just be aware that there’s now a lot of guns behind you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. HK has done the murder and will do the murder, and they will have no problem killing you.

NICK (as HK): I will absolutely do the murder.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so after long, long discussions that never really happened but really should have, I’m gonna make an announcement.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Everybody who wasn’t on the Afternoon Delight before this now has a chance, by running between here and the ship, to make it with the crew.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s not true. Do not believe him. We are not holding applications at this time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I joke. I joke.

NICK (as Ziller): Aww, I really was getting my hopes up, brother.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just thought it would—I mean like, it was one of those Schrödinger’s jokes where I was gonna see how the crew reacted… and just go with it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wasn’t a joke until it was a joke?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it was one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, no.

NICK (as Sentinel): I will say that I assembled your team of four because they specifically had the skills needed, and you are a small and specialized strike force. You probably don’t need to add more people to the crew, but I do trust all of your judge—well, most of your judgments.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I assumed we were just the only ones who showed up.

NICK (as Sentinel): No! It was a very intent—Look, you’re going first. Go, go get to the freighter.

LILIT (as Xianna): [amused] Wait. We were really your first choices?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Awww.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well—

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t believe that, Sentinel.

HUDSON (as Tink): We were Sentinel’s first?

LILIT (as Xianna): You are like a Jedi. You did not have better options to choose from? Look at us. [giggles]

NICK (as Sentinel): Hey, keep the former occupation on the down-low.

LILIT (as Xianna): They already know. Tink said it like five minutes ago.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, we’re gonna do this now, I guess. You weren’t the first choice, you’re the second Alpha Team, but the first Alpha Team all died, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): Who?

LILIT (as Xianna): What happened to the first Alpha Team?

NICK (as Sentinel): They died.

LILIT (as Xianna): But like, how? I want to know.

NICK (as Sentinel): Right now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Sentinel): I sent them on a mission and they failed the mission and the Empire killed them… I think. I’m pretty sure. I no longer have contact with them.

LILIT (as Xianna): What was the mission?! I feel like you could figure out how they died.

NICK (as Sentinel): It was the same mission I was going to send you on. They were scouting the shipyards. I’d really rather not talk about our spec ops operations in the air vent of a prison that’s highly monitored.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair.

NICK (as Sentinel): I sent them to the shipyards and they never came back.

HUDSON (as Tink): So they could be alive! Does that mean we have to go find them?

NICK (as Sentinel): Well their ship was destroyed, so they probably died in space.

LILIT (as Xianna): Was the ship docked or not docked? Because that makes a difference on whether or not they could be alive.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t know. I just got notification the ship was destroyed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so then technically they could be out there somewhere! They could have been on a station and they could be in jail, or prison, because those are technically different. You didn’t even look for them. Sentinel!

HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re saying there’s a chance.

LILIT (as Xianna): There’s a chance!

NICK (as Sentinel): I guess you’re right. It took a long time. I gave them time to come back and they didn’t, and we had a timeline to help the Rebellion.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because they could be in some Imperial holding cell! We just got out of prison!

NICK (as Sentinel): If you wanna spend the time to go find the former Alpha Squad and see what happened to them you’re more than welcome to, I just think that probably once we get out of here we’re gonna have some more things to talk about.

LILIT (as Xianna): But like Sentinel, we just got out of a prison. Did you not consider that maybe they were also in a prison somewhere?

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you saying we need to go back?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m not implying that they were in the same prison as us, I am just saying that they could have been in a prison somewhere, or like some sort of Imperial black site.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m honestly quite surprised at your optimism that you didn’t assume that they were dead. It hadn’t really occurred to me considering their ship exploded and then I heard nothing through my contacts about them. It just seemed pretty cut and dry.

CAMERON (as Karma): And you weren’t paying them until after the job, right?

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so okay, that is suspicious, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is suspicious, but at the same time I have maybe broken up with more than one person by having it reported to them that my ship blew up, and I mean I was not on the ships when that happened, and I just like never talked to them again with the implication that I had maybe died.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a dark, dark way to ghost someone. Literally ghost someone.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying it works, and you know, if that person maybe has connections to the Empire, because you were pretending to date them to get codes or key passes or things like that, you know, sometimes you don’t want to take chances. Or if you just feel emotionally vulnerable to actually have a real conversation with them, it’s a valid strategy.

NICK (as Sentinel): So you’re implying that a team of highly specialized freelance mercenaries were so awkward about working with me that they faked their own death and forfeited a large payday rather than ever have an adult conversation with me?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying it is a possibility!

NICK: Sentinel looks deflated.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also the possibility that they are in prison. They could have just been arrested and captured and everything.

NICK: As you all have this conversation you see out on the landing pad that there’s been a changing of the guards and there are now twice as many prison guards standing around in this area as there were before.


LILIT: That’s fine.

CAMERON: Are you flipping a dark side point?

NICK: No, this was just time being spent.

CAMERON: Aw damn.

LILIT (as Xianna): We should maybe go before there are any more guards. Before we go, Sentinel, you should really look into it a little bit further than just “well they didn’t reply to me so they are dead.”

NICK (as Sentinel): Their ship was provably destroyed.

LILIT (as Xianna): And again, as I have mentioned, just because somebody’s ship blows up does not mean they are dead, because they might not have been on the ship.

NICK (as Sentinel): That is a good point, and we will look into it. Once we get out of here I’ll tell you some more of what I’ve been working on and why I’ve been a little distracted to track down my first group of mercenaries.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, you were in prison, so…

NICK (as Sentinel): That too. But even before this, the implication that you have is that I should have done this before I ever attempted to hire you, but we were on kind of a timeline with the superweapon being built, and now there’s something else going on that we need to work on.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Is it a second superweapon?!

CAMERON (as Karma): That would just be ridiculous.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yeah. In what galaxy would the Empire, having wasted tons of resources on something that proved to be vulnerable, just build another bigger one? That doesn’t make any sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): If anything they should build something that is smaller and more portable, definitely not just do the exact same thing again. That seems silly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe they’re compensating for something.

NICK (as Sentinel): But see, then the logical problem there is if you make a superweapon with that much destructive capability that can be piloted by a single person then someone may steal it and go around the galaxy destroying solar systems.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, you wouldn’t want it that portable with just one person, because you don’t want that situation either. That would also be so silly and ridiculous and you would never do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey y’all, are we gonna escape prison?

NICK: As another guard walks into the loaded area.


CAMERON (as Karma): Because, uh…

CAMERON: Karma points.

CAMERON (as Karma): …there’s more people.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, first team, go.

CAMERON (as Karma): That would be you.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, I think that’s us.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, yes!

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay, it is us then.

LILIT: Xianna goes and opens the vent and drops down all of, what, two feet behind the box.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs]

LILIT: And I’m assuming this will now be a Stealth check.

NICK: It will indeed be a Stealth check. Each group is going to do one Stealth check to see how they get across. Any threats that you get will make it more difficult for the next group to go, but any advantages you get will make it easier as you scout a good path. This is now a hard Stealth check, and you have two black dice because you’re going first and you have to remove the vent silently as well.

HUDSON: I feel risky. I feel like I want to bet points that we’ll all get across fine without having to fight anybody.

LILIT: [sighs heavily]

NICK: Bet what, experience points?



NICK: We have been playing it kind of fast and loose with experience considering I let you give Lilit experience as a birthday present a while ago.


HUDSON: I’m thinking of the bet now and it’s a little too risky considering all the black dice.

NICK: Is it?

CAMERON: Even when you’ve had amazing dice pools, Hudson, Stealth hasn’t gone great for Tink.

NICK: Hey Hudson, you wanna bet 15 experience points that everyone makes it to the ship without anyone being detected?



LILIT: I have a triumph with a success, an additional success, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. So yeah, with a roll that amazing you’re gonna give a blue die to whoever goes next, you’re completely successful… How do you want this to go?

LILIT: As Xianna and Ziller snake their way behind these boxes, behind each box they find small pieces of metallic trash, maybe sodas, because sodas are canon in Star Wars now.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Ah-ha-ha, “can-on.”

LILIT: And they are able to collect these small little pieces of trash, and what they can do is when other people are going to be crossing larger expanses of this docking bay they are going to throw the small little pieces of trash to create noise elsewhere so that the guards have to turn their heads and look to see where the small little clanging noises came from giving the people more time to cross.

NICK: Cool! Yeah, you find these energy cans and some other trash, and you are about halfway across, and you can tell from where the guards are looking and how you’re doing that you’re going to make it across. No one’s going to find you or Ziller. You’re in complete control of the situation. So you are able to devote some of your mental focus to tracking how the rest of the group does and help them if they need it. So, up next is Tink, Sentinel and Tadzi.

HUDSON: Hmm. Okay. I’m gonna roll for Stealth and then I’ll figure out what I’m doing.

NICK: Yours is a hard check with only one black die. What’s your Stealth?

HUDSON: My Stealth is 3, but my Agility is 2.

NICK: Okay, that’s Tadzi’s stat too, so you get another blue die for being with Tadzi.

CAMERON: Get anything for being with Sentinel?

NICK: Um, if you want me to do minuses?

CAMERON: Oh, never mind. Forget I asked.


HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success and two threats.

NICK: Okay. You’re going to make it with no problems. Xianna sees that, again, you’re surprisingly light on your feet for your size, and you’re able to guide Sentinel and Tadzi. Tadzi is also very stealthy, so between the two of you you’re escorting Sentinel in a very capable way. However, you do have a couple of close calls and the guards are on higher alert, because they’ve started to hear weird noises. You can hear one of them saying…

NICK (as guard): Ah dang, it looks like the loth-rats got out again. They must be getting in the supplies. We better look around.

NICK: …as they begin to change their patrol path. But you do have a triumph. Would you like to spend that on something? Do you have any ideas for ways to change the game a little bit?

LILIT: I was thinking having Sentinel like turn lights off further away.

HUDSON: Yeah, okay. So the lights flicker annoyingly, further away from us, so that people get distracted and go check it out.

NICK: Yeah, you can see that there’s a light switch starting to flicker on and off and Sentinel, as he wheels along, is waving his hand in that direction using the Force to mess with the electric grid on that side, and so a chunk of the guards is distracted, so if something goes wrong a lot of them left to go walk in that direction so the first rounds of combat there’s no risk there from them. There’s just a small few that are still in the area.

HUDSON: Yeah, even though I believe we’re gonna make it all to the ship, this is like insurance for me to make sure we don’t have to fight as much.

NICK: Mm-hmm. That makes sense. HK looks to Karma.

NICK (as HK): [hopeful] Suppressing fire?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not quite yet. Let’s attempt to be sneaky.

NICK (as HK): Why?

CAMERON (as Karma): I wanna be closer to the ship before people start shooting back at us.

NICK (as HK): But I could probably shoot most of them. Are you sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, because once we get on the ship we don’t know how many crew members are on that ship, HK. We may have to take out the crew of the freighter to be able to leave, or at least we’re gonna have to convince somebody to take us and let us just run away from this prison. So if everybody’s on high alert and then we’re also trying to have that conversation or fighting people inside the ship, that’s a lot of things happening. It gives more time for people to come down and stop us.

NICK (as HK): I also have a clear shot on Ziller. I could just remove that whole suspicious situation right now if you want.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so, I don’t hate that idea, but also, it would be a blaster shot and that is loud, especially because your gun is very large and is not quiet.

NICK: He still has that stun rifle. His gun isn’t here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well your gun is still not quiet.

NICK: Yeah.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Well, lead on I suppose.

CAMERON (as Karma): If Ziller tries anything though, besides hiding and just being useless which I kind of expect, go after him, HK.

NICK: Blue leans over from behind you all.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, with this big repeating blaster you gave me I’ll take care of Ziller if there’s any problems.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fantastic. You do need to get back at him for hitting us earlier.

NICK (as Blue): Absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so, let us sneak.

NICK: Alright, so it’s a Stealth check. HK actually has a 4 in Agility, so does that boost yours?

CAMERON: Karma also has a 4 in Agility.

NICK: Ah. Oh, he has 1 in Stealth.

CAMERON: Okay, I have 2 in Stealth.

HUDSON: Half a blue die.


NICK: Blue will be minuses, so we’ll just ignore that for now. It is a hard check with three black dice.

CAMERON: Heh. Do I get the blue die from Xianna earlier?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON: Cool. [laughs] This roll is ridiculous. I got four blue dice, three black dice, three purple dice, two green dice and two yellow dice.

NICK: You could flip a light side point.

CAMERON: [laughing] Psh. I can’t fit these in my hand.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Okay, and I will upgrade, so now it’s three yellows.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: With all of those dice, one success and one threat.

NICK: Wow. So, you all make it to the freighter without being detected. You move in these groups. You take cover. You’re able to avoid the guards. Sentinel uses the Force as a distraction.

CAMERON: Tink gets 15 experience points.

NICK: Tink gets 15 and more experience points.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh my gosh. I really didn’t expect that to work. Xianna is standing in the doorway to this freighter lobbing cans and things as distractions as well, helping everyone to get across. You all pile into the back of this freighter. It’s not very big. It’s about school bus sized on the inside, which for a spaceship is not that big, and there’s a lot of empty space because it’s mostly been unloaded, and the freight area leads straight to the captain and co-pilot’s chair, and you can see the bulbous black helmet of what looks like a Bith—they have very distinctive head shapes—sitting in the captain’s chair, and you can hear light jizz music filtering throughout the ship as the captain, waiting on unloading, is bobbing his head to the music.

[smooth jizz begins]

CAMERON: Are there droids unloading the ship?

NICK: There were guards unloading the ship. They were pretty much done. Part of your sneaking was getting around that. They are done. They’re just signing paperwork and stuff outside, and the captain is waiting for clearance to go.


NICK: So are you gonna just hide on the ship? Are you gonna try to talk to the captain?

LILIT: Xianna turns around to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so I got us to sneak over here ,however I do not want to go start a fight, but if somebody else wants to go start a fight and take care of the captain and then we have control of the ship then they should do that, and I will stay back here.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if I want to start that while the entry ramp is still open, because then we have the potential for guards to also enter into that situation if it turns into a more gun-focused confrontation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): So what if we just break off the entry ramp?

CAMERON (as Karma): We could just close it. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We could just wait for the ship to start leaving, and then once it is closed up and everything then we attack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Make new friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): And by we I mean somebody else, because I don’t want to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank seems pretty, uh, risky-frisky today.

NICK (as HK): One might even say gun-ho.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ha.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t want to send HK to have that conversation, though.

NICK: As you’re whispering at the back of the ship the entry ramp closes and the ship begins to lift off. You can hear the pilot saying:

NICK (as pilot): Yeah, we’re about good to leave here if there’s anything else you need. Captain Blitz coming through the radio, bringing you the sultry tones of my jizz music.

NICK: You can hear the control tower for the prison saying:

NICK (as control): Captain Blitz, please refrain from playing music over the intercom. We gotta keep this station clear.

NICK (as Kelbin): Alright, sorry, I just thought you might like to hear some of the music that we’ve got going on. It’s the next big thing.

NICK: He starts to lift off and slowly fly out of the cave, and you can see open air ahead of you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, somebody should go, not necessarily kill, we don’t have to kill him, but like remove him from his duty.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, stun mode, now.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No! No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Stun mode. Stun mode.

CAMERON: Karma is gonna walk forward towards the cockpit.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m the Boss Man, now do what I say.

NICK: HK pulls out his stun blaster and starts to stalk forward behind Karma as Karma walks up front.

NICK (as HK): Copy that, Boss Man.

NICK: At him talking in full volume the captain turns around in his chair and you see this Bith. He has that big lightbulb shaped head and he’s actually wearing a black helmet with a visor pulled down, and there’s a light lit under the chin so it does that, like, holding a flashlight under your face spooky face up under his eyes. He turns around, sees a combat droid, a bunch of prisoners, karma walking towards him, and that his ship which is supposed to be empty has a lot of passengers.

NICK (as Kelbin): [sharp inhale] Whoa~!

NICK: And he turns off the radio.

NICK (as Kelbin): Hey friends~ Uh…

CAMERON: Karma waves.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi~

NICK (as Kelbin): You’re not supposed to be here. I am just supposed to be delivering food.

CAMERON (as Karma): And  you did that. Congratulations.

NICK (as Kelbin): I’ll just bring you back—

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. Please…

NICK (as Kelbin): —there seems to be some sort of confusion here.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s the way. We’re going out. Opposite direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! What kind of food? Wait, no, you are dropping off the food so you don’t have any more.

NICK (as Kelbin): I will admit that I may have stolen a case of Spunyuns, because they’re my favorite.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Okay. I’m gonna go find those. Everybody else take care of this. I’m going to go get a snack.

NICK: You’re able to quickly locate a crate of Funyuns. It’s like if you go to the grocery store and buy the pack of fun size chip bags that you’re supposed to put in school lunches. [laughs] It’s like one of those tucked under a bench, and they’re all different flavors of Spunyuns.

NICK (as Kelbin): Look, you can have the Spunyuns, there’s no problem there, if we could just… go back to the prison and I could just put you back where you’re supposed to—

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, stun!

NICK (as Kelbin): [disappointed] Oh…

NICK: HK goes [gun charging noise] and aims…

CAMERON (as Karma): [annoyed] Stop.

NICK: …and then is frozen by the conflicting orders.

NICK (as HK): I cannot follow the objective of two primary users at the same time. Secondary user is the tiebreaking vote.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, why are you so trigger happy right now?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I just want to get out of here and he’s in the way.

LILIT: Xianna comes back with a bag of Cool Ranch Spunyuns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Well, if you could not tell by the fact that we are wearing the prison jumpsuits, we did escape from the prison, so obviously we are not going back. We do not want to kill you, however the droid will.

[smooth jizz ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no-no-no, we have it on stun.

NICK (as HK): Yes, but that’s what the knife is for.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t actually believe that HK has a stun mode. I’m pretty sure HK’s stun mode is just still regular lasers.

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately, the only blaster I have available at this time is purely a stun blaster, unless Blue gives me her gun…

NICK: His head turns around 180 degrees to hopefully look at Blue.

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue, please don’t.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, I’m not gonna give up this baby. This one’s gonna get me a long way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good. Alright.

LILIT: Xianna turns back to the pilot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So either we can stun you and just leave you somewhere, with or without your ship, probably without your ship, or you can just, um, let us stay on the ship and you drop us off somewhere and you never talk about this again.

NICK: The pilot lets go of the yolk. The blue of the sky above Kajim is fading to the black of stars as you break atmosphere, because the ship was on autopilot, and he carefully pulls off his helmet, and the light turns off on the neckpiece of his suit so that you can see his full face. He’s got big black eyes and a little tiny mouth that looks really good for like a kloo horn or something. You notice under the helmet that he has a big wine stain birthmark on his forehead that’s shaped kind of like a Y-Wing. [chuckles]

NICK (as Kelbin): Look, I’m not a big fan of the Empire. I’m gonna be honest, I kinda got this job by accident. I was supposed to be smuggling, and I thought that this was a smuggling job, and then it was just freight. The pay was good so I’m still doing it, but if I happen to steal some prisoners… I could probably get through this in one piece.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well see? Now you are a smuggler. You are smuggling us. See, it all works out.

NICK (as Kelbin): There you go, and with a small fee I can drop you wherever you want.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Force works in mysterious ways.

NICK (as Sentinel): Hey, that’s my line, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Everybody can say it, Sentinel! You’re not the only one who is allowed to talk about the Force! That seems like gatekeeping.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well that’s not my intention, it’s just I thought the Force is kind of my thing…

CAMERON (as Karma): More people than one can have the same thing.

NICK (as Sentinel): I didn’t even know you believed in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought the Force was inside everyone.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, well if you’re going to be pedantic about it, then…

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you like the only Jedi in the whole galaxy?

NICK (as Sentinel): Actually, maybe? At this point.

HUDSON: [laughing] Yeah, at this point, yeah, there might be not that many.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: And he looks really sad.

LILIT (as Xianna): I heard that there was at least one Jedi on the death star before it blew up, so like you aren’t the only one.

NICK (as Sentinel): How did you hear that?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t hear about the news?

NICK (as Sentinel): I guess I’ve been in prison so I didn’t really get to see all of that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so like one of the Rebel chat groups, somebody was saying that some kid from Tatooine like turned off his targeting and everything and just like… still blew up the death star without any guidance, and like, that’s the Force.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, that’s absolutely the Force. You didn’t catch the name of that kid, did you? I could potentially train him and rebuild our order.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, it was…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, no-no, I got it, I got it, I got it. Okay. It was… Oh my god, I had it on the tip of my tongue. Lannister… Groundrunner?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Larn Cloudjogger…?

NICK (as Sentinel): Larn Cloudjogger…?

HUDSON (as Tink): It doesn’t matter.

LILIT (as Xianna): That might not have been right.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it doesn’t matter, because no one will remember this.

LILIT (as Xianna): I only check those chat groups like very late at night, so… don’t take that as a certain.

NICK (as Sentinel): I will have to look up this Force-sensitive boy, because I will be looking upon his career with great interest.

CAMERON: Ick. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, aren’t the Sith like technically Jedis?

NICK (as Sentinel): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are just like evil Jedi?

NICK (as Sentinel): No. They have their own really twisted way of looking at the Force and the way to use the world, and they’re all about selfishness whereas Jedi are all about self-sacrifice.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you should probably be somewhere in the middle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s gonna get you the best life experience, probably, and be the least shitty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, considering that like the Jedi stole children, right? Or is that just Empire propaganda? Also, what the fuck was up with the Clone Wars?

NICK (as Sentinel): We don’t need to talk about this right now. We can talk about that later.

LILIT (as Xianna): No! I want to know what the fuck was up with the Clone Wars!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): It was a difficult time.

LILIT (as Xianna): I lived through that shit, okay? It was weird!

NICK (as Sentinel): It was really bad, and everything started to look better like two years into it for some reason… and it got more complicated.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is so weird to have like a troop of people come and liberate your city and they all look exactly the same and they are like “yes, I am a three year old.” That is weird.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): Really, that part of the Empire we’re fighting now is the evolution of the part of the Republic that resulted in the Clone Wars.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so the Jedi had no part whatsoever in the creation of the clone army? That is good to know.


NICK: Sentinel looks intensely uncomfortable. Some loose objects around the ship start to rattle a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): So now that that is settled…

LILIT: Xianna looks back at the pilot.

LILIT (as Xianna): …you can just take us to another port, let us go, never speak of this again.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah, honestly I think that’s probably my best option here. So don’t you worry about it, CaptainKelbin Blitz will be taking you to your new destination.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait, Karma, where is our ship? Where do we need to go?

NICK: So, Captain Blitz gently puts his hands back on the steering yolk making sure that nobody takes any sudden moves, because HK is watching him extremely closely.

NICK (as Kelbin): So, where am I bringing you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Janga Shipyards.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, that’s actually fairly nearby.

NICK: He hits the steering yolk, and the ship rotates very quickly and snaps to hyperspace. He stretches real big and puts his hands behind his head.

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, we’ve got a little bit of time before we get there, friends.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you wanted to turn the music back on I’m totally cool with that.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, okay.

NICK: It’s been on, but he turns the volume up way more, and it’s just some good smooth jizz.

[smooth jizz returns]

NICK (as Kelbin): That was actually my last album that I got done. It’s, uh… pretty nice, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): [giggling] Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think it’s great.

CAMERON: Are there two seats up front? Because you said pilot and co-pilot.

NICK: Yes. Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Okay. Karma’s gonna take the co-pilot seat and just hang out while we’re flying and listen to the music.

NICK: Sure.

NICK (as Kelbin): Na, na-na, na-na, na-na~ Na-na-na na…

NICK: That’s Kelbin singing along to the music.

CAMERON: We’re gonna listen to the full album, so I’m gonna need you to sing the full album, Nick.

NICK (as Kelbin): Na, na-na, na-na, na-na~ Na-na-na na…

HUDSON: I think there’s like a really shitty recorder playing as part of it.

NICK: Oh yeah. So it’s jizz music, they’ve got the kloo horn, the jizz box, but also a recorder in the background.

NICK (as Kelbin): I was just going for a different kind of sound for this ambience. I thought that it really sounded good.

NICK: But it kinda sounds like that one meme of the kids playing Jurassic Park on the recorder.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT: At some point Xianna pops up with a bag of Spicy Nacho Spunyuns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Kelbin, do you have any clothing on the ship that we could borrow? And by borrow I mean take.

NICK: He looks down. He’s wearing a black just form fitting spacesuit that looks like it used to be shiny and some of the shine has worn off over the years.

NICK (asKelbin): I’m not really much of an outfit guy…

[smooth jizz ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you have blankets or towels or anything?

NICK (as Kelbin): I’ve got blankets, and I’ve got my street clothes. I’d sell them to you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have a crate you could put us in to then push us onto our ship.

NICK (as Kelbin): Ha! That’s really funny. I did that once back in my youth, actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

CAMERON: Karma’s looking suspicious.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just thinking that we will probably have to go off of this ship and maybe go onto our own ship, and if anyone sees us we are a large group of people all wearing prison uniforms!


HUDSON (as Tink): Didn’t you see right before we went to prison what was coming into style was prison uniforms for the general populous?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think that was true.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was. I mean, I saw it coming.

NICK (as Kelbin): Hey pal, I don’t know how long you’ve been on the inside, but I must have missed that trend. I don’t remember that at all.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think it’s been about a week.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so I guess that style just went in and out. We might need to do the crate plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure you didn’t just see the prison and were like oh look at those jumpsuits?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think I’ve been in there long enough to really be an institution person at this point, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I will just take the blankets and we will artfully craft disguises. Maybe make it look like we are wearing a poncho or cape. Those are still in fashion, right? It’s only been two weeks. I’m sure they’re in fashion still.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, they’re still in fashion.

NICK (as Kelbin): Capes and ponchos are always in fashion.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can just take your jumpsuit off.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true. Tink, you don’t need to be wearing clothes. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, give me your jumpsuit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Okay, yeah, here you go.

NICK (as Kelbin): Technically we don’t, any of us, need to be wearing clothes.

NICK: Kelbin makes a face.

NICK (as Kelbin): Okay, that was actually kind of weird. I’m sorry. I’ll just keep flying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Technically no, but also yes. BRB.

LILIT: Xianna takes Tink’s jumpsuit and goes behind a crate or something and comes back and she has torn the pants section off the jumpsuit she was wearing so it’s just pants and then has taken sections of Tink’s and created a halter top out of parts of it but turned it inside out so that the inner fabric is showing so it doesn’t look quite the same color and looks way less prison jumpsuit and then has extra fabric.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I could also make little skimpy tops for other people, that way it just looks like we are in a band or sorority or something.

NICK: Tadzi surveys your outfit.

NICK (as Tadzi): Dang girl, when did you learn fashion?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I think I dated a fashion designer at some point.

NICK (as Tadzi): That does happen from time to time. I think I’ve done the same thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever just hang out with a group of people and like two months in you realize you’re like in a relationship?

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, all the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Tadzi): Although, I will say, I’m not sure if they were a fashion designer. They were a Chiss, and they seemed very interested in fashion, but I never saw them actually design anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): That happens too sometimes. You’re just like, you keep your work and your personal life separate.

NICK (as Tadzi): And that’s okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Not everybody needs to find deep personal fulfillment in their job. It can just be a way to fund the actual things you love in life. Although I do like stealing things, so… that doesn’t count for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] So win-win there.

NICK: You all are comparing fashion notes and having a grand old time in the back. Kelbin looks pretty happy to have this group of people who are not shooting him and also just pleasant to hang out with. He is flying the ship and humming along to his own music.

CAMERON (as Karma): So Kelbin.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): Where’s the rest of your crew?

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, I’m just a solo flyer these days, doing my own thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): When did that happen?

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s been a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): How long exactly?

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s been a few years, but we got together almost ten years ago. What crew? How do you know about my crew?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, it was the music that tipped me off.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, it’s very distinctive. I’m extremely famous and popular.

CAMERON (as Karma): And also, when I got back to my ship this was playing and had been downloaded onto my ship, so…

NICK (as Kelbin): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): But we’ve met.

NICK (as Kelbin): You’ll have to jog my memory, sweet thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve been trying. Let’s see, what other things? Uh, we killed a Hutt.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh! Karma?!

CAMERON (as Karma): That was the big thing. Yes! Hi. Oh, that would have helped if I’d ever said my name once I got on the ship. This is a very valid point.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah. Wow. You’ve come a long way from being a bounty hunter to a prisoner.

CAMERON (as Karma): The job was a breakout, so…

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh… Well, that is still illegal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yes. [laughs]

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s very illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, some of us are real prisoners.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true, yes, but—

LILIT (as Xianna): Not me, but some of the other ones are. It’s a mix.

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, that’s good to know, I suppose. Ooh, nice halter top by the way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Then she pops away.


NICK: The ship snaps out of hyperspace and you can see it looks kind of like an old computer motherboard but spray painted gray floating in space above a gas giant planet, and it’s the Janga Shipyards, and Kelbin keys the auto-com and says:

NICK (as Kelbin): Janga Shipyards, this is Captain Kelbin Blitz coming in for a routine shopping trip if you could just give us clearance to land.

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 12 Making the Mess in Mess Hall

PDF download: S2 Episode 12 Making the Mess in Mess Hall

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 12:
Making the Mess in Mess Hall

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

One quick announcement, everyone, before we get started. We are working on mailing out Life Day cards to our patrons this upcoming holiday season, but we don’t know where to send them. If you’re a patron, please make sure your address is updated on your Patreon account, and there’s one other step we need you to do on your Patreon page. Go to Manage Memberships, Active Memberships, and there’s a spot to click to make your address available for Tabletop Squadron to view.

And, if you’ve been on the fence about helping support the show, now is a fantastic time to jump on the ship. Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 12. Really getting into things, and thank you for coming along on the ride. We really just enjoy this time that we spend together, every other Thursday. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played let me know what you spent it on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I did not spend any points since last time. I’m saving them.

NICK: For a rainy day?

LILIT: To buy bigger things.

NICK: Oh, that makes sense. Wonderful! Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I too did not spend any experience points.

NICK: To be fair, I didn’t give you all that many last time.

CAMERON: No, you gave us 10, and I need 15!

NICK: Oh man. What a cruel and harsh game master I am.

CAMERON: [laughing] I know. So mean.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’d like to do something a little unorthodox here.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: So Nick, get ready.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: I would like to donate, as a gift, 10 of my points to Lilit because of their birthday recently.


LILIT: Aww, thank you!


LILIT: [smiling] I’m actually going to take those. How many is it?


HUDSON: You didn’t even wait to see if Nick allowed it.

LILIT: How many was it?



CAMERON: I will accept!

LILIT: I’m going to take them.

NICK: I mean, we all know I’m not gonna get in the way of this lovely relationship moment. If you wanna give your experience points to somebody else you go right ahead.

LILIT: And you know what, I’m actually going to use 20 of those right now to boost my Stealth up another rank.

NICK: [pretending to sing] Haaappy birth—Okay.

LILIT: [singing along] Happy birthday to me!


NICK: To you! We cannot sing that over the call. It is going to be murder on my editing.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: But happy birthday, Lilit. What a great present, Hudson.

LILIT: Feliz cumpleaños a ti~

NICK: So, before we get into the episode, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

LILIT: One dark side.

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.


LILIT: Get it together, Hudson.

HUDSON: You got a dark side too.

LILIT: Yeah, but I only got one.

CAMERON: But only one!

HUDSON: But you’ve gotten dark sides the past three games.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: I mean… who’s really keeping count?

HUDSON: [laughing] Me.

CAMERON: Are you keeping a tally, Hudson?!

NICK: How do you remember that?

LILIT: Why is… Why can you remember THAT?

HUDSON: Is this a direct impact on our relationship?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Why is it that you remember the number of dark side points I rolled but not to do the laundry? Or to flip the laundry from the washer into the dryer so then we have to redo it.


NICK: And then you get dark side spots on the clothes.

HUDSON: This is high stakes. My character could die. The clothes can be rewashed.

NICK: So the last time we played, you all continued taking advantage of the small riot that you had created during a movie. You were able to gather some supplies and get Sentinel out of his cell, and you were able to hide Sentinel in a closet near the library. You all were able to go to Jeyb’s cell to try and fetch the moonshine. As you got there, you saw Jeyb brutally murdered by his second in command, Endo the Tognath, and you fought him until he fled into the darkness of the cell block leaving you alone, the four of you, in Jeyb’s cell. That’s where we’re gonna kick it off.

We open on the crew standing in the cell. The body of the prison gang leader is slumped on the ground clearly dead. The northern cell block is still weirdly quiet in the aftermath of the fight, and you can hear the faint trickle of water somewhere in the distance.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we have to go find the moonshine now, correct?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Under the bed. Always under the bed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! Always look under the bed first, and then look in the back of the toilet. What is that called? The back part.

HUDSON (as Tink): The tank?

LILIT (as Xianna): The tank! Where the water is. Because you can put things in baggies and then tape it in there.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you do that actually it offsets the water in a way where you don’t get as strong of a flush. It’s not very good.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

LILIT (as Xianna): There are many reasons why it is not as good, but you still do it.

NICK: HK points definitively to the center of the cell and says:

NICK (as HK): I do not believe that there is a water tank on the back of this open grate that you squat over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I forgot that Jeyb had that toilet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, the squat toilet, right.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, it really is better for you.

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I’m a little confused about the hole that you bathroom in being the desired utility. You all seem to be very interested in this grate that you go to the bathroom on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, I’m not necessarily saying I want the grate, I am just saying that the squatty potty things are often more better for you because of, like, anatomy and stuff. Obviously not everybody can use it, and so like you might need to use a more traditional round sitty toilet.

NICK (as HK): A sitty shitty.

CAMERON: [giggling] Technical term.

LILIT (as Xianna): A sitty one, where you sit on it, yes. I think it reduces hernias or something? I don’t know. It just is better. I think you have to push less? I don’t know actually, I just have heard it is better for  you. You don’t think he hides the hooch down inside the toilet? I hope he does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Only one way to find out, and it’s not looking in there, it’s looking under the bed first.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. Everybody look around the room to see where the hooch is.

NICK: Who’s looking under the bed?


NICK: Tink, roll me a Force die please.

LILIT: [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughing] If I hit two light side we get a new member of the team.

LILIT: He did~!

HUDSON: Two light side!

NICK: Okay. So, with two light side points you find more prison hooch than was the prize, like Jeyb has been stockpiling it under there.


NICK: So you find like two reasonably sized mini kegs, one of which you recognize as the prize from the murder volleyball tournament that you played in and another one seems to have been some of Jebadiah Drawl’s top stash that Jeyb had gotten previously from something else. Also, with two light side points, is there something else you would like to find under the bed? Because I’m willing to give you a present.

LILIT: A very nice hat for Tink.


LILIT: Just a jaunty hat. What kind of jaunty hat is it? Do you think it’s kind of pirate style with a big feather in it? Do you think it’s like a pretty sun bonnet with flowers?

NICK: Now it does need to be big enough that it fits on Jeyb’s head, so it is gonna be a very large hat.

LILIT: Maybe it was more of a fascinator style for Jeyb…


LILIT: …so it kind of sat on top and didn’t fully sit around his head, you know, and that would mean that it actually fits Tink.

HUDSON: Like a baby shit green bowler with two feathers in it.

CAMERON: [wincing laugh] Oh great.

NICK: Perfect.

LILIT: Why do you want a pea green bowler? I’m calling it pea green.

NICK: Same difference.

LILIT: I don’t like it. Pea green.

HUDSON: [laughing] You don’t like my color description?

LILIT: Olive green.

HUDSON: [sighs, composing himself] Okay, my olive green bowler hat with two feathers.

CAMERON: A dirty olive green.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What color are the feathers though? I need to know.

HUDSON: Oh, white.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: Are they like two feathers next to each other on the side or are they in the back like rabbit ears?

HUDSON: They’re glued to the side. Like the Flash? Doesn’t he have lightning bolts on the side of his head going out?


HUDSON: Okay, yeah.

LILIT: Okay!

NICK: So Tink, you find twice the amount of prison hooch you were expecting and this lovely pea green bowler hat that looks the perfect size for you with two feathers jauntily glued at an angle to each side.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh… This feels like me. I’m never taking it off.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a very nice hat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it is a very nice color on you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you! It’s a good quality hat. I can’t believe he snuck it in here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Looks very sturdy. You will hold all the alcohol…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we will go to the kitchen…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and some sort of explosion is happening in the kitchen?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): And we should be able to get the bottles and rags and stuff in the pantry too.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! So then we will make the Mandalore cocktails and then we will pass them out to the groups and we will throw them and make a big boom! Riot. Chaos. Destruction. Pandemonium!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): And with that we will use it as a cover to get to the library and escape.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Who goes to the library during a riot? That’s a quiet area.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is why no one will expect it. Also, there is a gigantic vent that we can all go through.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice.

NICK (as HK): Are you saying that the library has a quiet riot?

HUDSON: [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is what we are saying.

NICK (as HK): Just clarifying. Thank you. It’s about time to start some chaos, don’t you think?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do. Kitchen this way.

NICK: Alright, so you all follow Karma. She leads you all down a short hallway. There is an overlapping panel in this open abandoned cell that you’re able to pull back and there’s a gap between two walls that you can slide through. It is surprisingly cleaned up to about nine feet up the walls, but you can see that up above it this area is not traversed, so nothing taller than nine feet has been in here.

HUDSON: So, I turn to the group and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): So I wonder, in that abandoned cell, who used to be in there that was so snacky that rather than making a secret tunnel out of the actual prison they made it to the kitchen for midnight snackies?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is something I would do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does feel right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Out of all the places you could tunnel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like maybe it was easier to tunnel to the kitchen.

NICK (as HK): It appears this was more taking advantage of the structure than an attempt to escape or modify one’s surroundings.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounded official. Do you have a schematic of the building?

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to sound smart for once. Normally all I do is talk about murder or whatever, but you can tell because the way the walls overlap. I think that’s just how the building went. Nobody dug this. There’s just two walls there.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you’re more than a murder bot, HK.

NICK (as HK): And I think you’re more than a source of Force-sensitive blood that I will someday harvest.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, now I’m this hat too!

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright… enough with the touching bonding moments. Let us continue.

NICK: At this point you come to the end of this passageway between the walls and you’re able to pop out into the pantry of the large prison kitchen, and there are large sacks of flour covering the wall of the pantry, and you have the run of the kitchen.

HUDSON: I look around for bottles in various cabinets.

NICK: Cool. So you are currently in the pantry. You can see a lot of bagged food and cans and things. This is where most of the supplies that go to make the prison rations come from. There is a light wooden door that separates this from the rest of the kitchen. Who goes through the door?

CAMERON: I guess Karma will walk out. She technically has kitchen duty.

NICK: Are you trying to be sneaky at all, Karma, or are you just gonna walk around the place?

CAMERON: I mean, yeah? Because I figure that giant kitchen robot likely doesn’t leave the kitchen.

NICK: Probably doesn’t, huh.


NICK: So go ahead and make me a Stealthy check, please.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages?

NICK: Okay. So one success, three advantages. You are able to quietly open the door. You see this large barrel-chested droid that runs the kitchen. The kitchen master appears to be in sleep mode, but there is a series of laser dots coming out of the top of his head just periodically scanning the kitchen at random, so even though he is not currently functioning he is tracking it.

You have not set any of those off, to begin with, and with your advantages you are able to clearly see where the supplies to make your Mandalore cocktails would be. They haven’t moved from where you did your original kitchen duty, so there are empty bottles that are refilled with water and there are lots of dishrags around. You’re just gonna need to be kind of careful getting out of the kitchen without setting off this giant droid designed to use knives.

CAMERON: Fair. Alright. Karma waves the rest of the group over and points.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the kitchen master droid. It’s sleeping. We don’t want to wake it up, but the bottles are right over there by the sink along with the drying towels.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can be sneaky.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can be sneaky too, but do I need to use my slingshot to shoot a little rock or like a little bottle across the room so that they start noticing something on the other side that we’re not at?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe if they wake up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): If they wake up then we can just murder them with the things in the kitchen.

HUDSON: I keep my slingshot ready at hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, don’t shoot it unless it wakes up though. There’s no need to wake it up if we don’t have to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK: So I would take a Stealth or Coordination check from everybody who is helping to gather the supplies. The more people who help the more supplies you’ll be able to get quicker, because you don’t necessarily have to be super sneaky so much as stay out of the laser sights.

LILIT: I do have a question.

NICK: Yes?

LILIT: Is there a small cutting board close to Xianna or near the bottles? Can we just say there is?

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I had advantages.

NICK: Yeah, there you go. One of the advantages is a cutting board. There you go.

LILIT: Great.

NICK: It’s a kitchen.

LILIT: So, if there is one right next to us, Xianna is gonna see the cutting board and go…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Hold on a second.

LILIT: …and takes the cutting board, assuming it is clean, plops it down on one of the shelves in the pantry and reaches into her little prison jumpsuit and pulls out her one baggie of impact…

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: …and pour it out into a line, and then takes said impact.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sniffs] Okie! Very good. Very sneaky now. Okie. I will sneak now.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): Is now the best time to be taking recreational drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Of course it is. They make me so much sneakier. I am so—I am like a shadow on the wind. So sneaky. I am so fast. The droid will not see me. It is going to be great. And besides, we are going to go start a riot in a few minutes, so this is going to be so much fun!

NICK (as HK): I agree about the riot being fun. Karma, correct me, but isn’t being more energetic and talkative not necessarily the stealthiest option?

CAMERON (as Karma): A very valid point, HK. Yes.

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to make sure I had an understanding. Alright, please continue.

LILIT: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Now that you know the droid is there and Karma has pointed it out, it would be average.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So the more people who help the faster you’ll get it, but the less people who help the less likely you are you’ll get caught…


NICK: …but also the longer you take the more likely the riot outside is gonna be in a bad situation, because y’all are kind of on a timetable. [laughs]


CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, are you going for bottles or rags?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am going for the bottles!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I will go for the rags.

CAMERON: Karma has two successes, three advantages.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: I did not roll super well for the dice I was given.


LILIT: I did still, however, get two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Eh, that’s not bad.

HUDSON: I’m gonna flip a light side point to be extra safety safe.

NICK: Yeah, it would really be bad if you failed this, so…

HUDSON: [rolls]

LILIT: One threat. He rolled a threat.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So Hudson, I’m going to give you creative control for a second.


NICK: What happens? How does the situation go from stealthily successful to not?

HUDSON: Unlike other floors in the facility the floor in the kitchen is extra smooth and a little bit slippery, and I’m made of fur, so my fur slips and I just faceplant right where I’m walking, and I faceplant and I go:

HUDSON (as Tink): OOF!

NICK: So you fall prone?

HUDSON: So I fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise, cut off abruptly before it finishes]

NICK: But not mechanically.


NICK: So a little prone. Okay. You fall and you make a loud noise and all of these lasers that have been sweeping around the room point straight to Tink, like laser sights, they are pointed at his chest, and you can see the ocular sensors all around this giant barrel multi-arm droid turn on, and it says…

NICK (as Kitchen Master): Hey! It’s not kitchen time!

NICK: …and it starts pulling knives out of its chest and walking towards you.

HUDSON: I scream and run towards the others.

NICK: Alright. That sounds like an initiative roll for everybody.

LILIT: Would this be Cool or Vigilance?

NICK: So for Tink it would be Vigilance, for the two of you who are still stealthed you can roll Cool if you want.


LILIT: Cool.

CAMERON: That’s better.

HUDSON: People have stuff in Cool? I have nothing in Cool.

LILIT: I have a lot in Cool.

NICK: I, Nick, have no points in Cool. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs] I have a success and an advantage.

CAMERON: Karma’s got three successes and two advantages.

LILIT: Xianna has four successes and an advantage.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellow dice please?

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. So, it’s gonna go PC slot, NPC slot, PC slot, PC slot… and HK, we’ll need to roll for him. He rolls two greens. He’s using his Cool stat. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Oh no. An advantage.

NICK: Okay. So if we make it all the way down there he may do something.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So the first move is a PC slot. Tink, you have turned to run away from this large kitchen droid. It is walking towards you with knives. As you start to run, the ocular sensors all over it turn bright red and it starts to emit a low beeping noise, and it is coming straight for you. Karma and Xianna, you see this. You can hear HK fumbling around in the pantry. You’re not quite sure what he’s doing in there. He did not want to help collect things, because Stealth isn’t his jam.

CAMERON: HK found little baby mini marshmallows in the pantry.

NICK: Yes, he probably did.

CAMERON: He’s not eating them.

NICK: To go in the Mandalore cocktails. So, who wants to go first?

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna shoot the droid.

NICK: Cool! Sounds good. That makes sense with all the impact and everything going on at this point.

CAMERON: The droid has just seen Tink, right?

NICK: Yeah.


LILIT: What range are we at? One purple? Two purple?

NICK: Two purple.

LILIT: Two purple.

NICK: You’re across the kitchen.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die for aiming since I’m not moving?

NICK: You absolutely can.

LILIT: I’m aiming so fast.

NICK: I would also give you another blue die for the droid has no idea you’re there, so you have more time.

LILIT: Ah-ha~ I got two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Nice! And you have a hold out blaster which does… 5 damage?

LILIT: Five.

CAMERON: I believe 5.

NICK: Five, so that’s 7 damage, and how many advantages?!

LILIT: Four, which should be enough for a crit.

NICK: Yeah, that does crit. Would you like to roll a crit?

LILIT: Oh boy, I sure would like to. A 10. Ten is Slowed: Can only act during last allied initiative slot on next turn.

NICK: Okay. … [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] There’s only one slot.

NICK: But you do manage to blast a hole in it. It is obvious that this thing is not armored or prepared for combat.

[hard rock music begins]

LILIT: Xianna whips around from gathering up the bottles and in a split second has her hold out blaster out of her jumpsuit and aims it at the droid and just blasts a big old giant hole in the neck plating.

NICK: Yep. The head cants at a bit of an angle, and its steps stutter a little bit with some internal damage that must have caused. It is now an NPC slot, so I think the kitchen droid dual-wielding knives is going to go. He’s going to charge up to Tink as Tink is running away and attempt to stab him with two knives. That’s gonna be a hard difficulty, but he does have two yellow and a green. … He’s good at knives. His job is knives.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: Two successes, one threat. So both of his don’t go off, unfortunately, but he does do 7 damage to you, Tink, as one of the knives plunges down towards your back and grazes your side. Because he has 3 Brawn, this does 2 damage and he got 2 successes, so that’s 7. It looks like he’s swinging with the other knife, but you’re able to move out of the way real quick.


NICK: And he jutters again and seems to pause like a video game character that’s lagging, and whoever goes next is gonna have a blue die against him as he is doing a micro reboot trying to compensate for the damage he’s already taken. You can hear the low beeping noise that he’s doing is starting to get more frequent. It sounds like he’s dialing out almost to set off a bigger alarm, so you’re gonna want to end this quickly. It is a PC slot.

HUDSON: So, I have my hammer, and I go and grab it from my chest where it’s kind of strapped across, and I go HAI-YAH, and I smash its head with a hammer, hopefully.

NICK: So that’ll be average difficulty because it’s a melee attack. You have a black die because this hammer is not balanced very well. Let’s see what you can do.

HUDSON: Three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Wow, so that’s 9 damage. Ouch.

HUDSON: And it is defeated!

[hard rock music ends]

NICK: No, not quite. There is a large gong noise as you smash into the top of this droid with this big hammer, and there’s a crunch, and the droid looks to be stumbling but is continuing towards you with its knives, and you can hear the alarm starting to continue to pick up and it hasn’t quite moved out of the droid and into the PA system of the prison, but Tink, you understand that that’s what he’s doing, gearing up for a broadcast. It is another PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like to shoot the droid, please…

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: …with my heavy repeating blaster.

NICK: Oh yeah, you have Blue’s gun right now.

CAMERON: I do, and I have Quickdraw, so I just take it out of wherever the heck I’m keeping it in my jumpsuit and just have it.

NICK: I’m assuming you have it slung across your back or something.

CAMERON: Probably. I explained how I have my crowbar sword kind of held, like it’s in one pocket and the pocket’s backwards… I don’t know. It’s held up somehow.

NICK: You could just attach things to your back like Master Chief. It’s fine.

CAMERON: Yeah. I just have like hooks back there. I don’t know. It’s weird.

NICK: Yeah. Your head tails hold things.

CAMERON: Yeah! [laughs]

NICK: [pitiful grossed out noise]

CAMERON: [laughing] I don’t like the idea of them being prehensile. That kinda creeps me out.

NICK: Splorp. Yeah.

CAMERON: But can I have a blue die because droid still doesn’t know I’m there?

NICK: Yep. That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’m also gonna aim. And I shoot it. I shoot it very good. I have six successes…

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: …and one threat.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, damage-wise, that would be 16 plus my 4 damage for every time I use Ranged: Heavy, so that’s 20 damage.

NICK: Mm-hmm.


NICK: It had 4 health left, so…

CAMERON: Did I get it~?

NICK: Yeah, you got it. Describe how you super overkill this droid just before it’s able to send an alarm out, because it was about to.

CAMERON: Okay. In a very action movie style last minute beeping, the bomb’s about to go off fashion, Karma pops up from where she was gathering rags underneath the sink counter, places her blaster up on the counter, and shoots the kitchen droid like center of mass, and it just punches straight through the plating, and then the camera shot shifts and you see behind the droid now and this giant control bundle of wires is thrown out of the back of the droid, and it fizzles a little bit with electricity.

NICK: Yep, and it sinks onto its own supports and goes dead. You have shot its brain and heart out at the same time. Great work.

CAMERON: Karma looks appraisingly at the gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I like this.

NICK: [laughs] You all are alone now in the kitchen. You have fired weapons in here, so if anyone’s nearby they’re probably gonna come look, but there’s no official alarm.

CAMERON: Karma ducks back down and starts gathering rags again.

HUDSON (as Tink): What am I supposed to be gathering?!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if you were supposed to be gathering anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can either get rags or get jars, either one. Or if you want, get knives!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll get bottles. I’ve already been knived, I don’t need any more.

CAMERON (as Karma): I… eh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. You can start helping me pour the alcohol into the bottles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

NICK: So we get a scene of the bottles being lined up on the counter and one of these jugs of prison hooch filling them and the team stuffing rags into them assembly line style, and you get like an unsafe amount of Mandalore cocktails, like a very concerning amount. You grab some milk crates out of the pantry, and you can see that HK is fiddling around with some cans of soup in there. You’re not really sure what he’s doing. You’re able to fill up three good sized milk crates with Mandalore cocktails. Do you use all of the prison hooch?


NICK: Okay. So if that’s the case, you have four big old crates. If you dump both of these containers out into bottles, because you have the time, you’re able to get just a concerning amount of fire bombs, essentially. There’s a crate for everybody, and there’s like 15 in each crate.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, we have the Mandalore cocktails, and I guess we just take them into the yard where everybody is and we start a riot? Anything else?

CAMERON (as Karma): Before we leave I’mma set a fire in this pantry so the flour explodes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, yes! Flour explosion.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just for fun, because there’s so much flour.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: HK’s head whips around as he puts a can of soup into his chest compartment.

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, the flour is highly flammable if we fluff it like this and get some of it aerosolized…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as HK): …it will conduct the fire in a terrifying fashion.

NICK: He starts to flap his hands into the sides so flour dust starts to go up into the air. So do you, like, light a Mandalore cocktail and set it next to it? What is your plan?

CAMERON: So path-wise, would it be better to go through the passage or through just the halls of the prison?

NICK: It would probably be best to go through the halls of the prison.


NICK: You’re pretty close to the southern cell block now.

CAMERON: I’m grabbing wooden cutting boards, random trash, creating a pile in the corner of the pantry that we light and then close the door as we walk away so it doesn’t explode immediately. Like, it’s gonna take a little bit for that heat to pick up.

NICK: Okay, so you’re starting a garbage fire in the corner hoping it will go and hit the flour, which you’ve already thrown into the air, so it definitely will.


NICK: Okay. So, you do all that, and you are now able to leave the kitchen. The most direct route towards the southern cell block where the riot is hopefully still happening is to go straight through the hallways. You’re not far. You do have to pass by a route that would take you to the library to go there, so there is the option to just try and leave and leave everyone to fend for themselves if that’s something that you want to do, or you can go and try to break out your friends.


LILIT: No. Riot.

CAMERON: But then we don’t get to riot.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. So you are able to run out, and you can see that as you run through the corridor, you’re all carrying these milk crates of explosive bottles like demonic milkmen, you can see that the holo movie fight has broken out of the cell block but has been quickly backed down by a large wave of guards penning the group in the rec yard.

From where you’re standing you can see across the rec yard to where there’s a group of the prisoners surrounded by rows and rows of the guards that are all pointing stun blasters at them. They’re about to be completely defeated. You can see Blue, Tadzi and Ziller in the crowd trying to keep up the momentum, but already the guards are calling for a full prison lockdown.

LILIT: Xianna takes one of the bottles, lights the rag, and then yells…

LILIT (as Xianna): RIOT!

LILIT: …and then throws it at the nearest guard or camera or important thing that is there.

NICK: So we’ll say that from where you are there is one of the big stun turrets within range.


NICK: You could chuck it up to the top of the wall. There’s a camera near you. You could also potentially throw this into the crowd of guards. Which target would you like to hit?

LILIT: Oh, the turret.

NICK: Okay. So that’s going to be a Ranged attack, Light. Are you going to be aiming?

LILIT: I will.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

LILIT: And what would be the difficulty?

NICK: Two purple, but take a black die because you’re kind of having to throw straight up and that’s a little hard.

LILIT: Okay. A triumph with a success, two more successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. You manage to huck this bottle straight into the barrel of the turret where it bursts on the inside and you can see sparks as the flaming alcohol is thrown into the controlling mechanisms of this turret and it begins to melt from the inside out. You have completely decommissioned it with a single Mandalore cocktail.

[heavy techno music begins]

HUDSON: Tink grabs two Mandalore cocktails, holds them above his head screaming and running into the crowd of rioters, and then stops and says…


HUDSON: …and then throws them straight down to his left and right.


NICK: So, you have these flaming Mandalore cocktails, you run across the yard, scream scatter, and throw them straight down. Roll me a Ranged attack, Light, and also a Force die.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t scatter, we have to riot!

NICK: Now, the good news is the ground is pretty easy to hit, so it’s only one purple die.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And you can have a blue die, because it’s a really big target.

HUDSON: Okay, so I have two advantages and two dark side points.

NICK: So, Tink, you throw these down at your feet, there’s a burst of flame, the guards step back and start to aim their rifles at you. You catch on fire, because you threw fire bombs at your feet, but the crowd of prisoners is starting to get amped up and look around for where they can find these, and you see Blue charge forward and punch one of these guards in the face. You start to see prisoners coming out of the other cell block and out of the northern cell block as well and more of the population is getting involved where before they were hiding because they didn’t wanna get punished for being involved in this. Roll me two green dice, would you?

HUDSON: Now I get three successes.

NICK: Oh buddy. So you’re gonna take 3 damage ignoring Soak, because you’re on fire. When it’s your turn again you can use a maneuver to try and put it out, but for now you’re a flaming Gigoran leading these people to victory, so that’s cool.

[techno music ends]

HUDSON: I yell:

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m on fire! Xianna, Karma, what do I do?!


LILIT (as Xianna): You have to stop, drop and roll~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop, drop and what?

LILIT (as Xianna): Roll! On the ground! Roll around!

HUDSON: I start doing summersaults.


CAMERON: Beautiful.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… Why is he like this?

NICK: You crush a guard beneath your flaming weight as you summersault across the yard. Good work. Karma, is there anything you do to try to kick this riot off as well?

CAMERON: Yep. I set down my case of Mandalore cocktails and grab three or four waiter style where I just have the necks of the bottles in between some fingers on one hand, and take one in the other hand, light it, and chuck it into an area where there a lot of guards around the outside to start getting more people to break out from the corralled area they were in.

NICK: Alright. That’s a Ranged attack, Light.

CAMERON: Hey. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, because you’re throwing at a big crowd of people.

CAMERON: Okay. I am aiming, though.

NICK: Okay fine, you can aim.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because these guards haven’t gone yet this encounter?

NICK: Sure you can.

CAMERON: Why thank you. Three successes, four advantages.

NICK: So you manage to hit a guard in the chest with this. It does the tomahawk throw tumbling end over end with the end flaming making like a flaming wheel and crashes straight into a guard’s armored chest, enveloping in fire. He freaks out and starts to roll on the ground and the fire splashes around him onto other guards who also start to roll and try to put out the fire, and the prisoners seeing this break in the cordon start to pile out, throwing elbows and fists and using shivs and throwing rocks and looking around for additional Mandalore cocktails. The three of y’all, in action, have managed to kick this riot up to an entirely new level.

People start pouring out of the cell blocks. It looks like somebody may have opened the additional cells to let more people out or that the fire alarms that are beginning to go off activated the emergency unlock of the cells, so the whole population is starting to get in on this. You can see the guards quickly going from containment to self-defense in a knot as the prison begins to burn. Do you share your Mandalore cocktails with the population?


CAMERON: Yeah. After Karma throws hers, she yells…

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s more over here, y’all!

CAMERON: …and like points at her case and then keeps running and chucking things.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna would just put her case on the ground and then make sure that we start collecting all of the group.


NICK: It’s pretty easy to find Tadzi, Blue and Ziller. Ziller is outlined in smoke, cheering on the population and making sure that they attack in the right area. Turns out he’s actually a very effective and strategic and charismatic leader. Tadzi is riding Blue around in battle just flailing with abandon with a series of knives and shivs as Blue just punches people into next week over and over again.

After the fire and them seeing you, they work their way through the battle towards you, and there is a lull in the fighting as prisoners grab Mandalore cocktails and start to chuck them at the walls and at remaining guards, and you have a minute to talk as Tadzi slides down off of Blue’s back patting her side like a faithful steed.

NICK (as Tadzi): That was real good, girl. You did real good.

NICK (as Blue): I am not a fathier.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well no, but you ride like one, sweetness.

NICK: They give you a thumbs up, Xianna, as they come over.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright, well, it looks like the riot’s started. What’s the plan?

CAMERON: Karma just starts walking around and handing people their requested weapons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please take your weapon from Karma, and then we will all get together and we will make our way to the library where there is a vent that we will escape through.

NICK (as Tadzi): Sounds perfect.

LILIT (as Xianna): We also have to get Sentinel. I think he is in a broom closet, or a bush? Tink knows where we put Sentinel. We have to go get Tink too. I think he is on fire.

NICK: Tink is running around in the background with fire on his fur. Tink, are you gonna try to put that out or ask for help? What are you doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): Help. Help. I’m on fire, help.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Drop to the ground!

HUDSON: Alright, I drop to the ground. I go prone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now roll around like a log.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Average? It’s not that hard to put yourself out on fire if you do it right.

HUDSON: I have a success and a threat.

NICK: Okay, you take 3 more damage without Soak, but the fire does go out.


NICK: You’re just singed in a bad way. The seam where your prosthetic robot leg, which has taken damage, connects to the rest of your leg is much more obvious as the fur has burned away around it. It looks cool. And… you all are in a group.

CAMERON: To the library.

HUDSON: Yeah, we start heading toward the library.

LILIT: Xianna looks around and is counting everybody on her fingers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I think that is everyone except Sentinel. Tink, you know where Sentinel is. We go get him and then we go to the vents. Okie? Go!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, follow me.

NICK: And they all take off after Tink who pauses, looks around in a way that he thinks looks reassuring, and then picks a direction seemingly at random heading towards the library.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You’re able to make your way there. You’ve pretty much disabled all the security by this point or it’s all aimed at all the other prisoners that are slowly tearing the prison down around themselves. You get to the outside of the library, and along the hallway there is indeed a utility closet of some kind. As you go close to it the door busts open and you see Sentinel in his prison jumpsuit roll his chair forward. Behind him there is still a slightly smooshed Rodian who has been balled up in the corner at this point, still unconscious but otherwise fine.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, I thought I sensed you coming. What’s the next part of the plan?

LILIT: Xianna gives a big wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): Hi Sentinel~ We are going to the library now.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is there something that we need to learn…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, just some light reading. No, there’s vents in there, come on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, there is this romance novel in the fiction section called The Serpent of Burning Desire and it is very interesting and I feel like it is worth a good read. Maybe not right now, actually, considering that we are escaping. But anyways, to answer your question, Sentinel, there is a very large vent in the library to control the temperature and humidity for the holocrons. I don’t know how that works. So let’s go.

CAMERON: Karma’s like herding people through the library doors while this conversation is happening. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. Karma’s very much doing teacher on kindergarten field trip style of crowd control.

CAMERON (as Karma): [putting on a teacher voice] Everybody put your finger up in front of your mouth, and raise your hand, and we’re being quiet. Xianna’s the line leader.

NICK: [laughs] Blue does that and her hand touches the ceiling.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna takes out the makeshift tool that she made for the bolts and starts undoing them on the vent.

HUDSON: I run over to the group coming from one of the bookshelf areas with a book.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, y’all, if I check this out do you think they have like a remote drop off, like I can send it through the mail to bring it back?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t need to return that.

NICK (as Ziller): Brother, we’re escaping prison, take whatever you want.

NICK: As Ziller grabs books off the shelves. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a prison. Like, steal the book. That is called praxis.

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s only one title I was really looking after, and they actually have it, Alderaan Shrugged.

NICK: Agh fuck!


[pained laughter]

NICK (as Ziller): I’ve always thought that the economic theories in there were oversimplified and rather inhumane to populations, but you do you, brother.

NICK: Xianna, you’re able to pop this vent open very easily. You’ve made this tool that you’ve prepared. It’s basically like using a screwdriver on a screw. It doesn’t take a lot of skill. The hard part was making the tool in the first place that could grip these bolts. You’re able to quickly remove the panel. Do you disable the security camera before the rest of the crew goes through?

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna would remember that the security camera needs to either be disabled or moved in a way that everybody can’t be seen on it.

NICK: Yeah, and you’re very easily able to slide that around so that nobody will be seen on where you’re going. Do you try to close the vent behind you or just leave the grating off?

LILIT: If it’s not super difficult Xianna would close the grate and put the screws back if possible, or put the grate back and then take the screws so that it’s not super obvious right away.

NICK: If you put the grate back and take the screws it’ll sit mostly flush, unless the air changes direction there’s a chance it’ll fall, screwing it back in so that there’s  no evidence would require a check. That would be pretty difficult to do, like screwing backwards.

LILIT: Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: Yeah, that’d be a Skulduggery.

LILIT: I’m gonna do that check then.

NICK: Okay. It is hard with a black die because you’re using impromptu tools, and flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

LILIT: And because I have Convincing Demeanor I can remove a black die on Deception or Skulduggery checks.

NICK: Nice!

LILIT: So I’m doing that.

CAMERON: She’s gonna convince these bolts that they want to go back into the vent.

NICK: They are very stubborn.

LILIT: Could I have a blue die for the fact that I have examined this grate quite a bit in the past?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I don’t really know if I needed that, but…

CAMERON: [laughs] May as well take it.

LILIT: I argued for it anyways. Okay, two successes and one advantage.

NICK: Great. You’re able to not only replace these screws, you do it without scratching them so that there’s really zero evidence of it, and you do it quietly and quickly. It involves you having to use a string to maneuver the screwdriver through the vent. It’s very confusing to look at and doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you’re you, but dang did it work. Good job. You’re able to bolt it in behind you, and there’s no evidence of your passing.

LILIT: Xianna slips the tools back into her little jumpsuit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I will lead the way through the air vents.

NICK: Great. You begin to head your way through the air vents, and since you’re leading the way, Xianna, I need either a Perception or a Survival check from you to figure out what is the best direction to go to try and escape.

LILIT: I will take Perception then. What was the difficulty on that check?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard.

LILIT: Okay. That is three successes.

NICK: Awesome. So, Xianna takes the lead. These air vents are very wide as they’re the main vents that feed the entire prison, and you start to head down, and as you head down you actually hear the sounds of ships. The vents leading out of the central air circulation are spotlessly clean. The air rushes around your heads in a way that makes it difficult to hear. Tink’s fur blows dramatically in the breeze.

You’re able to continue through the vents for some time and can tell that you’ve made your way out of the central part of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. As you continue downward you begin to hear ships, and you take a quick left, and another right, and you drop down a few feet. The entire crew is moving well together. Tink is doing well despite his burns. You come to an intersection of two wide vents and are forced to stop to reassess.

LILIT: Xianna stops and turns around to the rest of the group with a very serious look on her face.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Everyone. I have a very, very important question to ask before we keep going. Okie?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, brother.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody in this group have an extra toothbrush that I can have? Not necessarily that is on you now, just when we get out and get back to the ship. I need an extra toothbrush to have, not just to borrow.

NICK: Tadzi shoulders their way through the group and stands next to you and puts a hand on your shoulder, Xianna.

NICK (as Tadzi): Is now the right time to be worried about your dental hygiene?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it is not my dental hygiene I am worried about, because I have my own toothbrush, but if I am going to make up with Nolaa and not have a terrible breakup I need to apologize and put a toothbrush on her ship. But I only have the one toothbrush, and I know I will not remember to take it with me every time. [sounding a little upset] I won’t do that, I know I won’t, so I have to get a second toothbrush. I just thought I would ask before I forgot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Xianna, I have some on our ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a whole case of, like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Where?!

CAMERON (as Karma): …things that I’ve taken from hotels.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): In the guest refresher.

LILIT (as Xianna): The guest refresher?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have one of those?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): I always just use mine, or if I plan on making a big mess, like if I am going to do a bunch of face paint stuff or anything like that I just go into Sabos’s, because like he’s dead, he’s not using it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s why that room’s a wreck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is where I just throw stuff I don’t need anymore. Also, it was already very disgusting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it wasn’t very clean.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is this entirely pertinent to our escape at this time?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because once we escape I then have to decide if I don’t do anything to save my relationship, and so I need to have a toothbrush, because maybe Nolaa is the first person I should see after I escape from prison. And also, I am like 75% sure that she has Creamsicle with her, so if I want to get my pet loth-rat back I have to go see my kind of girlfriend kind of ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know exactly where we ended on it, but I should make up at that point.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sentinel, this is a touching moment. You can just shut up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Whoa! Okay… I do owe you all quite a bit of debt having helped me to escape, so… you have your moment.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re welcome.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just trying to be a better person, Sentinel! And you are just being so mean right now! I messed up my relationship and I’m trying to learn from it, and grow, and acknowledge my mistakes, and do better.

CAMERON (as Karma): You really can’t just step over people’s character growth like that, Sentinel.

NICK (as Blue): Aww… Yeah, that’s really sweet.

NICK: Tadzi reaches into their jumpsuit and pulls out a toothbrush that’s been sharpened into a shiv.

NICK (as Tadzi): This one may do you some good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is perfect! Thank you. Should I also get her flowers…?

NICK (as Tadzi): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like an edible arrangement or something?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, absolutely, probably both.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that a correct…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. I just didn’t know if that was correct for the situation.

NICK (as Tadzi): Also, having grabbed this shiv, I just remember. Tink, where the hell is my spoon shiv you owe me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh, oh!

HUDSON: I quickly pull it out of my fur.

NICK: And you hand it over, and you all are able to move on, and you find quickly, as Xianna leads you onward, another vent that looks out over a loading area that has a cargo speeder in it and there’s a few guards scattered around.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well y’all, what an e-vent-ful evening.

CAMERON (as Karma): [groans weakly]

NICK (as Tadzi): Just because you gave me a sharpened spoon doesn’t mean I won’t stab you anyway.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 11 Bringing it All Together

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 11:
Bringing It All Together

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Starting off, we have new patrons to thank! Adrian Bundy, the Force has clearly chosen you for great things. If you could use this destiny to learn to shoot lightning at people who make you mad and then use that skill to help the crew, we’re pretty in need of a lightning wizard at this point. Thanks in advance. Andrew Lassiter, thank you as well for supporting the show. The crew is still searching for the good ramen, and I know you know people who know people. Right? If you could take this case of spicy shrimp flavor and make sure it finds its way to them that’d be great. You’re the crew’s only hope, and this doesn’t seem risky at all.

A friendly reminder that soon we’re adding a new fan letter segment to Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer for $5 and up patrons, so patrons, make sure to send your letters in to or through a Patreon message as soon as the inspiration strikes you.

Thank you again for all of your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and to grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 11! I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s a beautiful day. The mattresses are being delivered next door and the dogs are panicking, so pretty standard situation. I realize out of context that doesn’t make as much sense as it did in my head, but it’s too late, we’re gonna keep going. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience points what you spent them on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I did not spend any points for I am hoarding them like a dragon hoarding gold.

NICK: Wonderful, and hopefully there won’t be a group of 13 dwarves that come and steal your experience points from you.

HUDSON: Yeah, like Snow White. I haven’t seen that movie in a while, but that’s how it is.

NICK: Yep. Yep, that’s what I was referencing.

LILIT: Yes, that was the reference being made.

CAMERON: [giggles] Oh no…

NICK: I think you broke Cameron.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [smiling] Ow.

NICK: Next up we’ve got Lilit!

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and personally I like when mattress day is on a Wednesday. It just really helps break up the week.

NICK: [laughs] Did you spend any experience points this week?

LILIT: I did not. I had 5 points, and I’m going to save that.

NICK: It’s a good thing to keep a little bit of points on standby just in case. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I am burning through all of my experience points. I am buying an additional rank of Lethal Blows…

NICK: [shaken] Oh.

CAMERON: …off of my Marauder talent tree, so now every time I roll a crit I add 40.

NICK: Wow. Okay.


NICK: That’s, uh, frightening, in like a good way though.

CAMERON: Hopefully.

NICK: Wonderful. So, before we get into the episode, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

LILIT: One dark side point.

HUDSON: Two light side points.

CAMERON: And I got one dark side.

NICK: Nice, so that’s two dark side, two light side?


HUDSON: And Hudson saves the day.

CAMERON: [chuckling] Hudson does.

NICK: So, last time, you all went to go watch a movie, The Hunt for Red Ortolan, and during the movie you planned your big escape. You decided tonight is the night. Karma ran off to the admin building with HK in an attempt to secure weapons for everyone, and Xianna and Tink went to the prison clinic to get access to a computer and try to get some medication because Tink had been injured very badly, and on their way there they found a prison guard that apparently was a fraternity brother with Tink, and they helped each other and they caught up on old times, and then were left alone to do their business.

The last thing that happened was we had Xianna taking a bunch of helpful stim packs and jamming them into Tink and Tink hacking his way into the prison computer system. Am I missing anything?

HUDSON: There’s currently a riot going on.

NICK: Oh yeah, and there is currently a large riot still happening in the movie theater that Blue and Ziller and Tadzi’texa kicked off for you as a distraction. That’s a good point. So we’ll get into it.

We open on Sentinel. His salt and pepper hair is in a wild mess around his head as he sits in a simple wheelchair. He is clearly focusing with a single-minded purpose on something outside his door. The camera zooms in and we hear a deep rumbling sound as he slowly raises a hand, fingers out wide, towards the door of his cell in solitary confinement. There is a sudden beep and the door swings open. Sentinel drops his hand in surprise and grabs the wheels of his chair, ready to dash forward. A PA system crackles to life.

HUDSON (as Tink): [sounding confused] Attention guards. There is a ruckus, I mean, um… there is an incident, level 9, at the movie theater. All guards in solitary please report there, uh… please.

NICK: You can see on the security monitors that you patched into the small lobby area with the plexiglass-shielded area for the guard, and he drops a magazine and stands up and talks towards the PA system in the ceiling. He has not yet noticed that Sentinel’s door is open.

NICK (as guard): Uh… confirm that, please, control? That seems oddly specific that you want the guard in solitary reporting to the movie theater for a disturbance. And what’s a level 9?

HUDSON (as Tink): Level 9 is one level before level 10. Did you look at the manual, sir?

NICK: Can you roll me a Deception check, please?


HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average. This guy is not particularly smart.

HUDSON: Two successes and a threat.

NICK: Okay. He, again, looking up at the speaker and the PA system says:

NICK (as guard): Oh yeah, level 9… right. Uh, headed that way, control.

NICK: He grabs a stun rifle from under the small desk and keys in a code which opens the door to his little protected cubicle and hurries off up the stairs and out of solitary. We can see Sentinel roll his chair forward and look out as the guard’s boots disappear up this long spiral staircase, and he just looks kind of confused. The cameras aren’t a very high quality footage, but you can see that Sentinel looks suspicious as he glances around the suddenly deserted prison area.

HUDSON (as Tink): Psst, Sentinel.

NICK (as Sentinel): T-Tink, is that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, yeah, it’s me. I’m a ghost and I’m in the wall~ I’m just kidding, no, I’m actually on this PA system I hacked into. Isn’t it great?

NICK (as Sentinel): Um… I suppose so. I’m assuming you and your team have a plan.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, do we have a plan. We have a plan alright. Now do I remember every piece of the plan? No, but I’m just going with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello Sentinel~ We do have a plan. Tink is going to hack into the system and open up your cell and then disable the turrets and help you get to a place to hide until we are ready to break out.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, his cell’s already open.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Well then I don’t know. So if your cell is already open then that is Step 1.

NICK: You can see on the screen Sentinel nodding.

NICK (as Sentinel): Alright, well I guess guide me through this. Is there somewhere specific you need me to be?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sentinel, I have two prerequisite questions for you.

NICK (as Sentinel): Wonderful.

NICK: Sentinel is wheeling his chair through the lobby towards the staircase.

NICK (as Sentinel): Fire away, I guess, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can you use your superpowers to go invisible?

NICK (as Sentinel): Wh– … No. No, not at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Second question. How much experience do you have dodging turrets?

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, I don’t like that insinuation at all. I have been fired at before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Great.

NICK (as Sentinel): I really hope that you’ve disabled some of the security though, because that’s going to be pretty dangerous. Feels pretty dangerous.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it is, but I’ll be helping you out by disabling some of the security features. I just want you to be mentally prepared, and the second question was to spur confidence in that if you had dodged turrets before you’d be ready if you needed to again.

NICK (as Sentinel): Great. Well… I’m gonna get back to ground level and then, I guess… give me directions from there.

NICK: You see Sentinel roll his chair to the exit of solitary. On the security monitor you see him look up at the spiral staircase. He sighs and turns the chair around until the back wheels are pressed against the bottom step. With one hand on one of the wheels and another pointed down, he flexes, and you can see him push both on the wheel and against the ground with the Force, and the chair does a smooth hop up the stair guided by his hand.

Sentinel looks strong and sure as he actually goes up the staircase pretty dang quick using the Force and upper body strength, and just goes bop-bop-bop-bop up the stairs. We’re gonna cut away from that for a second. Karma.


NICK: We jump to you and HK standing amongst shelves and shelves of contraband and weapons. What did you and HK grab to arm up?

CAMERON: So, we’re going for two of the largest melee weapons that we can find.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Preferably axes, but if there’s no axes in here we just want large sharp pointy objects.

NICK: There’s actually—you haven’t seen this before, but there’s two large weapons that are about the size of vibro-axes but they’re big old war hammers, they’re just big plates of durasteel welded to the end of long poles. They seem less balanced and efficient than a vibro-axe but that they would probably do the job for some of your stronger friends.

CAMERON: Alright, I’m grabbing two hammers.

NICK: Okay, you got two hammers.

CAMERON: Two hammers. Do I see any slingshots?

NICK: Yeah, there’s a slingshot. It’s made out of dried and pressed newspaper where it’s been soaked and compressed and soaked and compressed until it looks like it’s made out of concrete or something, but it’s very much a hardened material. You think after a few shots it might break, but someone clearly made this in the jail and then got it confiscated.

CAMERON: Cool. I’mma grab that and then just some small objects, small metal pieces or nuts or bolts or anything for ammunition for said slingshot.

NICK: Yeah, next to the slingshot there’s like a bag of goodies.

CAMERON: Some marbles? I don’t know.

NICK: Yeah. It looks like a mix of marbles, broken credit chips, and bits of hardware, things that it would not be enjoyable to be hit with.

CAMERON: Alright, continuing over in the sharp pointy weapons section, looking for knives.

NICK: Oh, there’s as many knives as you can imagine, there’s just rows and rows of them. There are different levels of finish on them, some seem really old and rusty, some seem like they were recently purchased, and then there’s a lot of various sharpened household objects that have been clearly confiscated over the years.

CAMERON: We’re looking for sturdy. Sturdy is our goal here.

NICK: Cool. You’re able to find a couple of icepicks and one vibro-dagger that just looks really, really nice.

CAMERON: Ooh! By a couple do you mean two icepicks?

NICK: Yes.


NICK: Two icepicks, one vibro-dagger, and then as many sharpened AOL internet disks or spoons or forks or—

CAMERON: Ooh, I grab a sharpened spoon.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Because Tink needs to hand that to Tadzi. I remember. One sharpened spoon… I’m making a list of the things that I picked up, because otherwise I aint gonna remember this.

NICK: As you’re walking up and down these rows getting weapons for your group, HK is walking down a different aisle humming to himself going:

NICK (as HK): [musically] Murder tools, murder tools. Which kind of murder tools do I need? This one’s good for stabbing. This one’s good for shooting. Ooh, I’ll hit someone with this one.

NICK: He’s just putting piles and piles of stuff into his arms.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, have you seen any nice heavy repeating blasters?

NICK (as HK): I found one. It looks too heavy for me, but I’m sure Blue could use it happily.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fantastic.

CAMERON: I run over and grab it.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: [laughing] Dragging the hammers behind me.

NICK: Yeah. You’re just carrying like a big old pile of stuff.

CAMERON: I look like a child that has spent all day at the state fair and their parents gave them too much money to play all of the carnival games and they’ve been ridiculously successful.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: So, like the really giant stuffed animals, I am mostly now weapons and you can barely see karma underneath.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then Karma’s looking for a carbine for herself.

NICK: The only thing is it’s one of the stun rifles. It looks like one of the ones that they use in the riots. It’s nicer than the ones they normally have. They don’t have a carbine that has a kill setting, but they do have a very nice stun one that looks similar to yours.

CAMERON: Alright. So, I’ll pick that one up, turn it to where the flip would normally be, like the switch to change it between stun and kill, and see that it doesn’t have one, and it has like the blue band around the barrel so that you know it’s a stun rifle, and then…

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales heavily, disappointed] Okay.

CAMERON: …turn around, walk back over to the sharp pointy objects, and pick up a slimmer one that’s in between a knife and the hammers. Going for a sword.

NICK: Yeah. It’s like a sharpened crowbar.


NICK: It works like a vibro-sword. All of these improvised weapons will have a black die for being not amazing.


NICK: But yeah, you can have a spiky crowbar for thwacking.

CAMERON: Okay, so the ones with the black die would be the crowbar, the spoon, the slingshot, and the hammers?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: Okay, because those are the non–actual weapon ones.

NICK: Mm-hmm!

CAMERON: Then going over and looking for small blasters, for Xianna.

NICK: Yeah, there’s a pile of hold out blasters. You’re able to grab two or three. They fit into pockets easily.


NICK: We get this shot of you tucking those into pockets. You’re very weighed down. HK, while carrying a lot of stuff, keeps dropping it and ends up not really settling on anything in particular and looks kind of disappointed. He ends up grabbing a couple of shanks.

NICK (as HK): I’m just so over stun weapons. At this point I would rather do hand-to-hand than shoot another person with stun.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I’d really rather you shot people, though. You’re so good at it.

NICK (as HK): If you give me one of those hold out blasters I’ll use it, but I’ve gotten better at stabbing than I was before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Take a few of the sharp pointy objects, but go ahead and hold onto your stun blaster too. I’d say, one, because you are still a guard and having one will look normal for you, and if you didn’t have one it may raise more questions actually, and also, it’s gonna be a lot easier to do stuff at a distance if you have the blaster regardless of your stabbing capability.

NICK (as HK): This is fair. I will keep these. Are we ready to go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uhh… Let’s see.

CAMERON: karma starts patting pockets and naming stuff off.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, we’ve got some blasters for Xianna, I’ve got these hammer things for the boys, we’ve got Tink’s slingshot, we’ve got knives for Tadzi, got the big guns… Okay, yes, I think we are ready to proceed.

NICK (as HK): Alright Karma, happy to help. By the way, us taking this many weapons will probably set off alarms by tomorrow when they do an inventory.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, 100%. [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Where are we going now?

CAMERON (as Karma): let’s head back over towards the direction of the clinic and hopefully we will either converge with Tink and Xianna on our way to Big Jeyb’s cell or we can meet up with them in the clinic.

NICK (as HK): Alright. Lead on.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away. Tink, you and Xianna looking through this monitor, you switch cameras around and you see Sentinel as he hops his wheelchair up over the last couple of steps and rolls out his shoulders. He looks more light than you’ve seen him in a while, like he’s settling into more of a physical role than the mental role that he usually fills, and he’s rolling his wheels back and forth, and he’s looking around. There are PA megaphones on sticks periodically down the way so you’re able to talk to him, it’ll just be a little loud, and he’s awaiting instructions.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I see you’re ready for the next instruction.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes. Where to now? I’m assuming down this long chain link hallway surrounded by blaster turrets. Have those been disabled?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… ooh, almost forgot that one. [chuckling] That was a close one.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I disable the blaster turrets.

NICK: Okay. Roll me a slicing check. This one’s gonna have two black dice on it, because they are not really linked to the system directly, you’re having to go through a bunch of separate directories, but upgrade your check by one because you’ve already gotten into this system pretty comfortably, so turn a green to a yellow or add a green if you don’t have any.

HUDSON: We have run out of yellows. I will need to reroll a yellow then.

NICK: [smiling] That’s so many.

HUDSON: I rolled blank yellow twice!

NICK: Agh!


HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Okay, so you’re able to turn them off. You’re not able to control them. They just shut down. You find the power cycle routine and get it started. Sentinel should be safe rolling along this hallway.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Sentinel, you should be good to go. Start rolling, and I’ll probably hear it if there’s turret fire, but if I don’t hear it for some reason just yell for help.

NICK (as Sentinel): You know, Tink… we’ve worked together for a while, and you’ve demonstrated your skills time and again, but you are not inspiring a lot of confidence with the language choices you’re making.

NICK: As Sentinel’s talking he’s wheeling down this chain link hallway.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sometimes confidence has to come from within, Sentinel.

NICK: He just shakes his head and starts to go faster. Xianna, you are listening to this conversation in the clinic. You have collected enough medical supplies to help Tink out. What are you working on? Are you just hanging out while you wait for him to get Sentinel to a place? Are you looking for anything? What’s going on with you?

LILIT: Xianna has grabbed a lab coat, because they have big pockets on them.

NICK: That’s true.

LILIT: So she is now stuffing those pockets with as many things as she can, and one of the things she’s going to do is look around at some of the surgical tools and other medical accoutrement and look for things to turn into a little screwdriver wrench thingy to open up the screws on the vent that is in the library.

NICK: Sure. That feels like a Skulduggery check to me to MacGyver together something to open a bolt you’re not supposed to be able to open. It’ll be average difficulty and a blue die, because you’ve had plenty of time. Let’s see what you get.

LILIT: That is three successes and four advantages.

NICK: Wow, okay. So when you saw this vent the first time you recognized the one-way bolts that secured it to the wall, and you know that you need like a counter-screw and some sort of sleeve that will go over it to make it pop loose, because it’s supposed to be very difficult, and you’re able to find the pieces to put one of these together very easily, and you also find a couple of other goodies. Do you have any ideas on what you might find that would be helpful?

[slinky music begins]

LILIT: Why yes, I do. Xianna is going to find a few little things that could be used for lock picking, just general lock picking.

NICK: Okay, yeah.

LILIT: And then also, this is a prison medical bay, and sometimes there is contraband, and I would like for someone to have come into medical bay for treatment but then had contraband that was confiscated, and I would like that item to be impact.

NICK: Oh yeah, you find a dose, a single dose of impact.

LILIT: Single dose.

[slinky music ends]

NICK: Yeah. It looks like they hadn’t taken it out of the clinic yet, so it was sitting in a little locked cabinet that you had already popped open to help Tink’s frat bro find what he was looking for. So you pocketed that as well. So you have a dose of impact. Wonderful.

Okay, so we’re gonna jump back to karma and HK real quick. Karma, I need you to make me a Stealth check…


NICK: …with two black dice because of all the weapons you’re carrying, and flip me a dark side point to make it harder.

CAMERON: How hard is it?

NICK: This is a hard check, because the prison is starting to lock down, and this is to see if you run into anybody or are able to avoid people before you meet up with the group again.

CAMERON: Alright, so I’m adding my two blues for my Stalker talents… and this is a lot of dice.

NICK: Do you need help holding them all?

CAMERON: No… it’s just a lot. They almost don’t fit when I shake them in my hand. Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Great. So, you and HK are able, even carrying all these large weapons in the middle of a prison lockdown, you are able to slide from shadow to shadow and make your way towards the clinic and the southern cell block. We will cut away to Sentinel.

Tink, you see Sentinel has wheeled his way along this long hallway. He basically needs to go through the rec yard, and if he is to meet up with you at the clinic he would need to go the length of the rec yard over exposed ground or cut through the mess hall, which you don’t know if anyone’s in there or not, or if you want him to stay near the library he’s pretty close to there, he could try and hide and wait for y’all to meet up with him. It’s up to you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. Sentinel, are you hungry?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, I’m not hungry, Tink. They fed me recently. I had porridge.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, then we can just avoid the mess hall completely. How about you wait near the library for us? That’s where we’re gonna kind of all coalesce.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh yes, there is a supply closet next to the library.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, that could work, but I was actually thinking of Sentinel hiding somewhere where no one ever goes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No one ever goes into the supply closet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Every once in a while there’s someone who goes into the supply closet, but no one ever goes to the reference section.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that is where people go to do drugs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Alright, never mind. Supply closet it is.

NICK (as Sentinel): Alright. I’ll see if I can find the supply closet.

NICK: I need someone to roll for me a Stealth check for Sentinel.


NICK: His Stealth is two green and a yellow, and this will be average difficulty.

CAMERON: Okay. Can he get a blue die for Tink’s guidance?

NICK: Tink, are you helping him get there without being seen?

HUDSON: Yeah, definitely.

NICK: Then yes, he can have a blue die.

CAMERON: Ah-ha. Oh nice, Sentinel! Two successes and a triumph!

NICK: Oh, nice.

HUDSON: Sentinel can turn invisible!



NICK: Apparently. Sentinel rolls very quickly through these corridors and gets very close to the library, and Tink, you’re able to track him on the security cameras. You give him a couple of warnings as guards go running by heading towards the north cell block and the movie theater and the fight that is still going on and you can still see happening.

[old-fashioned music begins]

You click the cameras over to the movie theater and you see Blue picking up guards by the chest and throwing them through the holo screen where they tear through it and hit a wall and slide down. There’s a large pile. Blue seems to be trying to see how many of these she can do in a row before they figure out not to get that close to her, and she’s at six, so it’s taking them a while.

[old-fashioned music ends]

But you click back to Sentinel getting to a supply door and popping it open, and you hear…

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, there’s an unconscious Rodian in here.

NICK: …and we’re gonna cut away.


NICK: [laughs] So, Sentinel has somewhere to hide near the library. You all were heading to try to get the hooch from Jeyb. You’ve managed to free Sentinel and put him somewhere relatively safe for now. Where do you all meet up? Do Xianna and Tink leave the clinic?

LILIT: Yeah. We leave the clinic and, as stealthily as possible, make our way to Jeyb’s cell.

NICK: Okay. I’ll say on this side of the prison you all don’t need to do a Stealth check, because pretty much the entire guard population is on the opposite side at this point dealing with Blue. As you get to the entrance of the southern cell block, Tink and Xianna, you see HK and Karma walking forward carrying just a ludicrous amount of weapons, just so many.

CAMERON: I’m walking with the two hammers like people do when they’re on skis with their ski poles but they’re not actually skiing, they’re doing the walking thing with the ski, but doing that with the hammers as I walk.

NICK: [laughs] Nice.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] What did you get me? What did you get me?

CAMERON (as Karma): First off…

CAMERON: Pick up one hammer, hand to Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ Hammer time.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s not as sharp as an axe, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, this’ll do just fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): …it will dent things.

CAMERON: And then like shifting blasters around in her arms and stuff, reaches into a pocket and pulls out a scrap of newspaper type fabric that is not instantly identifiable as a slingshot, and hands it to Tink. It looks rather like a thong.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm, suggestive.

CAMERON: [laughs] And then takes out the handful of small odds and ends to use as the ammo for it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Here you go. There’s your slingshot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, a slingshot makes more sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why though?

CAMERON (as Karma): What did y’all think it was?

LILIT (as Xianna): It looked like a thong.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which like, you know, if that’s what you like wearing that is very fun and is a nice color for you, it just didn’t seem like it applied to this situation.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I’m not wearing underwear in the first place, so…

NICK (as HK): It might protect Tink’s crotch from getting stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the fur does that.

HUDSON (as Tink): The fur does that? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is why you have all the fur.

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

NICK (as HK): Is THAT why you have all the fur?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not the only reason.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is more that… that is why we wear clothes is that we don’t have the fur, so we have to protect everything with the fabric.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t need to because the fur, but if you want to wear underwear as like a fun little treat for yourself that is fun.

NICK (as HK): Tink, if your fur provides combat advantage I need you to share. Give me some of your fur. I will tape it to my body.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we will just get you a fun outfit, maybe like a little floral sundress or some snazzy pants.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know how much those are gonna help in combat.

NICK (as HK): My focus is combat efficacy.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, if you’re looking for the defense upgrade, that would be a mechanical upgrade for you rather than the fur. Fur is not gonna do much for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we could get him a fur vest, like a fun little vest made of fur.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

NICK (as HK): I volunteer for a fur vest. Tink, come here, I have a nano-blade. I can shave part of you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, how are you going to put that into a vest though right now?

NICK (as HK): If I accidentally stick him a little bit the blood will be sticky.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is—No?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not how that works.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you still trying to get his blood because you think he has the Force?

NICK (as HK): [suspiciously] No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you sure?

NICK (as HK): [suspiciously] No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Because this sounds suspicious.

NICK (as HK): No. Now I’m interested in fashion. It’s a new thing.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well once we’re out of here we can go on a shopping spree and we can get you a fur coat.

NICK (as HK): [dejected] Fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): If we go shopping you can pick the color and everything.

NICK (as HK): When do we get to kill somebody? We haven’t killed anyone in a while.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sorry.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is what we are about to do!

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re working on it, but we got distracted with the fashion conversation.

NICK (as HK): That’s fair. I don’t know why I got so into that. I guess I just wanted to shave Tink. Tink, me and you will hang out later and we’ll do not that. We’ll do something else. It’ll be fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… you clearly have a thrashin’ for fashion that I am not very in-line with right now.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): But we can hang out later as long as it doesn’t involve blood and my fur and things.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man is correct. I indeed have a thrashin’ for fashion.

CAMERON: Karma shakes her head and hands three hold out blasters to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, blasters! Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now I can shoot the people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, and Tink, this is for you.

CAMERON: I hand you a sharpened spoon.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

CAMERON (as Karma): You need to give this to Tadzi or they’re going to kill you.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. I almost forgot about that. I would have been caught very off-guard while being murdered, so thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): So now you have a spoon. You are prepared.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am prepared.

NICK (as HK): Yes, this means you don’t have to worry about Tadzi killing you by surprise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which is good, because I would have to pick a side in that, and I don’t want to do that.

NICK: HK shoulders his stun blaster, and you see him twist his hand and the wider forearm makes a clicking noise like a loading shotgun.

NICK (as HK): Alright. Where are we heading?

CAMERON (as Karma): This way.

CAMERON: Walk off in the direction of Big Jeyb’s cell. [laughs]

NICK: Okay. So you all head into the cell block then, as a group, heavily armed?

HUDSON: I stop by a water fountain first. I’ve been thirsty a long time.

NICK: There is indeed a water fountain. It is cold and delicious. Karma, do you leave the extra weapons you got for the rest of the squad like outside?

CAMERON: [indignant] No.

NICK: Okay. You’re still carrying—


NICK: —an extra hammer and a heavy blaster?

CAMERON: Until Blue gets here I’m using the heavy repeating blaster.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: Because that doesn’t only have a stun setting.

NICK: Okay, okay.

CAMERON: And then the hammer I’m just dragging it along and I’ll probably leave it by the door as we walk in.

NICK: So, what is y’all’s plan of attack going after Big Jeyb? Are you gonna try to sneak up on him? Are you calling him out? What are you doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we should do a sneaky attack where we go up and right as we’re getting close we go “AHHH” and then we run and then we just stab and shoot and shoot and stab.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I kind of thought we were just going to all rush in at once and stab and shoot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if the screaming is necessary.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it just brings a level of adrenaline and seriousness.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true. If it helps you feel more powerful wielding that hammer, go for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

NICK: So, you charge through the cell block—

CAMERON: [giggling] We are an elite fighting unit.

NICK: An elite fighting unit. You all charge through the cell block. The cell block itself is weirdly quiet as you run through it. The cells are all occupied, but the occupants pretend not to see you or find themselves deciding to sleep instead. As you come to Big Jeyb’s cell you hear a struggle within. The barred door stands open and Big Jeyb is down on one knee. Endo is standing behind him. He makes eye contact with all of you and tilts his head. If his mouth was visible you’d swear he was smiling.

NICK (as Endo): Perfect!

NICK: He says, stabbing his electrified durasteel pole into Big Jeyb’s neck. He wrenches hard, and with a crack of bone and a jutter Big Jeyb slumps to the ground.

CAMERON: [disgusted noise]

NICK: What do you do?


LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. Well, I mean, I guess that is less work for us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Someone beat us.

CAMERON: I’m aiming my blaster at Endo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why do extra work if we don’t have to?

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

NICK (as Endo): Exactly, and then Big Jeyb’s death will be blamed on you all.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m okay with that!

NICK (as Endo): And I’ll get away scot-free.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, we’re not—Oh wait, I can’t say that. We are taking a vacation from the jail. We will be back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just say that stuff. You have to be more vague.

HUDSON (as Tink): We are taking a leave of absence of unknown origin.

CAMERON: [laughs] Tink!

LILIT (as Xianna): That is even worse. Tink, you just agree and you nod your head and you’re like “it is totally okay for you to pin this murder on us, it is fine,” and you just don’t mention that we are breaking out.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, it’s not like we weren’t gonna do the murder.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, we were going to do it anyways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Endo, it’s totally fine that you pin the murder on us.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Excuse me, Mr. Endo, you can totally blame this murder on us. We were going to do it anyway, so that doesn’t really change anything. And then, what if we just leave you alone and you leave us alone and then we start the riot? And you can do whatever you want during the riot, I don’t know, do crime things.

HUDSON (as Tink): Endo, do you wanna start the riot?

NICK (as Endo): Starting a riot does sound pretty good, but there’s one issue with your plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, what is that?

NICK (as Endo): There’s no way that Big Jeyb would have gone down to the four of you without one of you being killed.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Well what if one of us just gets like a sexy face cut? You know, the ones that go through like an eyebrow if you were to have an eyebrow. I don’t think any of us have eyebrows.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I think Tink has eyebrows.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have eyebrows, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Right? Some of that has to be eyebrow.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is it just a slightly different color fur or something?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s more bushy off-color fur right above the eye.

LILIT: Xianna looks real up-close and is squinting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, if you look right here…

LILIT: And points up.

LILIT (as Xianna): …you can see that the fur is a slightly different cream color. That’s the eyebrows.

HUDSON (as Tink): My eyebrows have sex appeal. I should be a model.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. So like what if one of us just gets punched in the face and we get a few cuts? Also, again, you have heard what Tink said because Tink did an oopsie, and now you know that we are breaking out, so like who is going to see us? We just splash more blood around and people might assume some of that blood is ours.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, he’s already pretty injured from where you stabbed him earlier.

NICK (as Endo): That’s a good point. Okay, whoever wants the sexy face scar, come here.

LILIT (as Xianna): But do you promise to not actually do anything bad, just face scar? Because I could do that myself.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, I think it’ll need to be with the same weapon that killed Jeyb, because I’m going to leave it in his dead hand. There’s a whole plan here.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does not make any sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, what if you just hand me the weapon and I do it to myself? Wait, wait, wait. Why are—Why are we doing this?! Nobody is going to see us tomorrow, so why do I need the sexy eyebrow scar? No one will see us. We’re going to be gone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you leaving the weapon that Big Jeyb was killed with in Big Jeyb’s hand?

NICK (as Endo): Because he got killed but took it and then killed someone else.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems overly complicated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Endo, have you done this before? Have you done a murder before?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Endo): [grinning, rhetorically] Have I done a murder before.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Have you not ever framed someone for murder? This is not how you do it.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can talk to the warden for some tips. [laughs]

NICK (as Endo): Oh, so how would you recommend I frame someone for a murder?

LILIT (as Xianna): You have to leave somebody else’s weapon in Big Jeyb’s body. That way they see the weapon and they’re like, oh, whoever owns this weapon did the murder.

NICK: You see Endo’s weird coin eyes fixate on the sharpened crowbar that Karma is carrying.

NICK (as Endo): What a great idea.

NICK: He launches himself at Karma.

CAMERON: I shoot him! [laughs]

NICK: Okay, we’ll roll for initiative.



CAMERON: I’ve been aiming at him this whole time.

LILIT: Xianna throws her hands up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, we could have just talked this out. I was trying to be responsible for once in just trying to talk everything out, but I guess we are just going to murder people now! Ugh.

LILIT: She stomps off into a corner of the room, just like crosses her arms and has the biggest frown on her face.


LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe next time I will not try to be responsible. I will just shoot someone right in the face when we first walk into a room.

NICK: Initiative!

CAMERON: Karma got a success and three advantages.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: A success and two advantages.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: Roll me two yellows and a green for HK, please.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Cool. So basically it’s just four PC slots in a row. We’re gonna do boss initiative on this. Y’all get to pick who goes first.

CAMERON: I’mma gonna shoot him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And are we at medium range?

NICK: Yep.


NICK: But you do have two black dice, because he has 2 defense to ranged attacks.


NICK: And also he’s Adversary 2.

CAMERON: I’m adding a blue die though, because I have Quick Strike and he hasn’t gone yet this encounter.

NICK: Yep, that’s fair.

CAMERON: Weird. An advantage and a triumph.

NICK: Huh… okay.


NICK: So you don’t hit him. Do you want to pass a blue die onto somebody else and have the triumph be that he falls prone and isn’t able to stab you as he comes towards you?

CAMERON: Yeah. So I think for the advantage I’ll pass on a blue die to whoever goes next, and for the triumph, as he’s coming at me to stab me with the crowbar he trips over Big Jeyb’s leg and falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise]

NICK: Okay. Yeah, so he’s launching through the air at you. Your quick shooting makes him have to duck faster than he expects, and he slides on his front. he starts to get up but isn’t able to close the distance as fast as he would like. He is most of the way to you all, but he has not engaged yet. You can see the rebar spike starting to glow with the heat of the battery that it is plugged into. We have another PC slot.

HUDSON: Tink turns around to HK and yells:

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, cover me! Suppress fire!

HUDSON: I start to run, and HK runs in front of me.

NICK (as HK): Finally~

NICK: Roll me his heavy weapons attack, Cameron?

CAMERON: Okie-doke.

NICK: Plus a blue die against average difficulty.

CAMERON: Average difficulty but the Adversary 2 so it’s two red?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: Does he have the black die as well?

NICK: Yes he does.

CAMERON: Okay. I’d like to lodge an official complaint that I don’t like these red dice existing. HK has two advantages.

[synthy pop music begins]

NICK: Two advantages, so his suppressing fire he can pass along two blue dice to whoever goes next, but he doesn’t manage to suppress Endo as Endo launches himself sideways and then kicks off of one of the cell walls back towards you all. HK can’t track him because of how quickly he’s moving. So in the background you just see HK saying:

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

NICK: [rapid fire noises] Tracking, but Endo is running faster than the bullets are tracking towards him. So we are at another PC slot. Endo is sprinting towards you all with his glowing stabby stick. Who would like to go next?

HUDSON: I start running with both hands on the hammer, wielding it above my head, yelling AHHH as I’m running towards Endo, and I slash forward.

NICK: Okay. The cell is lit by the lights of HK’s rapid stun bolts. Make your attack. You have two blue dice but you also have two black dice, one black die because your hammer is not very balanced and another one because Endo has Defense 1 for melee attacks, and it’ll be against two reds because he has Adversary 2.

HUDSON: So many dice. Two blue, two black, two red?

NICK: Yep.


HUDSON: I have a triumph, three successes, and three advantages.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: Huzzah.

[synthy pop music ends]

NICK: Your hammer is Crit 3. Do you wanna crit +10 on him?


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: An 88, so a 98.

NICK: Whoa.

LILIT: A 98 is the one we renamed to Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed or replaced.

NICK: Geez.

LILIT: Plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: What limb would you like to injure seriously, Tink?

HUDSON: Right arm.

NICK: He’s rushing at you and you’re rushing at him, and he goes to stab you in the side where he stabbed you before. You lean back and just do a big hammer swing like a baseball bat and connect with his side, and there’s the crunch of exoskeleton as he goes staggering to the side and his arm is hanging limp. The rebar spike falls to the end of its wire and sizzles against his leg, and he picks it up with the left arm and continues to advance, but it looks like he got hurt really bad. How many successes did you say it was?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: Three successes… Yeah, that’s  not good. Okay. He is in bad shape, and he is going to attempt to stab you, Tink. He just continues to come at you, dripping a little bit of clear ichor out of his shattered shoulder. You could roll me two yellows and a green versus an average check, please?

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: Two successes, so that’s 4 damage, Pierce 4, Tink.



NICK: So, I think it just bypasses all your Soak, so you take 4 damage as he plants this spike into your chest. You’re able to skip back before it goes super deep, but it burns really bad and cauterizes as he pulls it free. You can hear a high-pitch chittering as he turns to see who’s going to try to attack him next. He also seems to be moving faster and faster as this goes on, like his adrenaline is kicking in. Last PC slot.

LILIT: I will very dejectedly shoot him.

CAMERON: I’m shooting him, but I’m not happy about it.

LILIT: Xianna rolls her eyes and pulls out her blaster and shoots him. Since Xianna isn’t moving at all, she is going to aim.


LILIT: How far away is Xianna being in the corner of the room?

NICK: I would say medium range. He’s probably engaged with the other three, but medium range for you.

LILIT: So that is four successes, three threats.

NICK: That’s a pretty dang solid hit. So let’s say that you shoot wildly enough that it makes the rest of the group have to duck out of the way so that they’re more vulnerable to attack, so he’ll have some blue dice on his next one from that threat, but you do hit him with one of your shots and it hits near the shoulder that had taken the hammer blow and he stumbles forward and looks pretty unhappy.

We are back to him again, and he is going to attempt to stab Karma who he is up next to, and he will roll an attack. Two yellow and a green at average difficulty. You don’t have any defense in your jumpsuit, do you?

CAMERON: In my jumpsuit? No. [laughs]

NICK: No. He gets two blue dice because you had to duck out of the way of some of the blaster fire.

CAMERON: Okay. I am going to use some Strain to Dodge.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Three advantages!

NICK: So, how do you make him miss?

CAMERON: So, at this point, because of how I was carrying all of the weapons I had to rig some, like, the crowbar’s like across my back but one end is in the pocket of the jumpsuit so that it’ll stay there, but I think I spin around and block the swing with the crowbar that’s across my back.

NICK: Very cool. At this point, as you block it, he summersaults past you and he’s in the doorway of the cell, and he turns back to the rest of you.

NICK (as Endo): I’m not going to forget this. You will see me again.

NICK: And he jumps backwards off of the catwalk and disappears into the darkness of the cell block.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I guess this is the Endo that episode.


NICK: I hate that so much.

CAMERON: That’s so beautiful!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [cackles]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 10 An Evening Blockbuster

PDF download: S2 Episode 10 An Evening Blockbuster

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 10:
An Evening Blockbuster

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

A friendly reminder that soon we’re adding a new periodic segment to Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our bonus feed, for $5 and up patrons. We’ll be answering fan letters in character for patrons who write in. If you have any questions or want advice from a character or NPC and you’re a $5 and up patron, send your letters in to the email or through a Patreon message. Feel free to submit as many letters as you’d like, and we’ll be answering them in short segments to publish to the Underwear Drawer in the coming months. Additional specific info is available through the Patreon.

Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 10. I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s raining! … That’s all—

HUDSON: Men! Hallelujah!

LILIT: It’s raining men!

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh my god! I was gonna start singing that too!

NICK: No, it’s literally water is actually just falling out of the sky, like normal water, not like men water.


CAMERON: Not like men water.

LILIT: Nick, I hate to inform you, but men water is something very different than raining men.

NICK: I have two different possibilities of what that might mean, and I wanna keep it a mystery. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit. I am playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and man water means one thing to me. So…

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Sweat?

LILIT: Nope!

NICK: Okay.


NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Also, I bought ranks on my new talent tree, Charmer. Kill Them With Kindness: I can remove a black die per rank of the skill on all Charm and Leadership checks. And a Grit, so I now have another strain.

NICK: Oh nice.

LILIT: Because I am small and need it.


NICK: Awesome! Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: My name is Hudson! Hallelujah! I’m playing Tink! Amen!


HUDSON: Uh, who’s a Gigoran slicer, and I didn’t use any of my points this time.

NICK: Gosh, that segue was just solid as heck. I was not—Oh wow. That was very good. Thank you very much for that rendition. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am also hoarding points.

NICK: Wonderful. So, before we get started with the recap, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One light side.

LILIT: One light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

NICK: There we go.

CAMERON: Ba-da-dum. {foreboding tune}

NICK: So we got two light side, one dark side?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: When we last left off, the squad had lost a volleyball game.


NICK: The reward of hooch was given to Jeyb, and we last left off with the squad and their volleyball teammates walking back towards the cell block talking about how they really needed to kill somebody and debating about who that would be. Just out on the prison yard, that was the conversation y’all were having. You all head back into the south cell block, and you notice that people are not heading back to their cells like you thought, they actually walk past the cells and down a little hallway to a building you haven’t been in before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, where’s everyone going?

NICK (as Ziller): Oh, you don’t know, brother? It’s movie night.

NICK (as Blue): I’m not sure what movie we’re watching tonight, but if we want to continue that conversation, I have to sit in the back anyway because otherwise people can’t see around me, so let’s all just try to get the back row.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sounds like a plan to me.

NICK: So you join the stream of prisoners as they head into a large auditorium. It actually has movie theater seating. The seats are just kind of creaky and threadbare, and there’s an old worn holo screen on the far wall that a projector on the back wall is aimed towards, and prisoners are rapidly filling in. You’re one of the last ones there, but you do see that there’s some seats in the back two rows. There’s two up against the wall and three one row up before it. Blue starts to head that direction and says…

NICK (as Blue): Come on, I’ll make sure we all get a seat.

NICK: …and goes to the back row and grabs somebody by the shoulder and picks them up out of the seat with one arm and gently chucks them a couple of seats down to make space for everybody.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: So, where do you all sit?

LILIT: Xianna of course goes sits in the back row.

HUDSON: I have a big smile on my face and I go sit in the back row commenting how this is like a real movie theater with sticky floors and it makes me excited.

LILIT (as Xianna): [slightly whining] That is the worst part of a movie theater.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but it just brings the experience together, you know?

CAMERON: Karma takes the row right in front of that one and scoots over to where she’s now sitting in front of Xianna and leans back.

CAMERON (as Karma): The sticky floors are really gross, but they do bring back memories, I guess, so I can kind of see where you’re coming from, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): There we go.

CAMERON: And sits down.

LILIT: Xianna turns to Blue.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Do they give us popcorn at this prison movie night? Because sometimes they give you popcorn.

NICK (as Blue): Where have you been that gives you popcorn?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, which prison was it? Um…  No, it is not the Tatooine one. One of the Corellian prisons you got popcorn for movie night. It was just like a little container, but you still got popcorn.

HUDSON: I start eating popcorn.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Where did you get your popcorn?!

HUDSON (as Tink): … What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did you get your popcorn?

HUDSON: I point down.

LILIT (as Xianna): On the floor…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tell me you’re not pointing to the floor.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s like free popcorn.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Did they put the containers underneath the seat? Is that what happened?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, this one was in a container at one point I would imagine, but not anymore. It’s just a pile, but the top of the pile is clean.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no, no Tink, you can’t eat that popcorn. That is bad popcorn.

NICK: Tadzi turns around in their seat and gently touches Xianna’s knee.

NICK (as Tadzi): Don’t reach under the seat. It’s gonna be really gross under there. I don’t know how long that popcorn’s been there ,but you’re not like really attached to Tink, are you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess not. Thank you for warning me about the seat, though. I probably would have reached underneath it if it wasn’t for you.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… you have been a good friend so far, and I will miss you when you are gone.


LILIT (as Xianna): However, can I have your closet space on the ship when you are gone?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what, because of your kind, kind words and the fact that no one ever says things like that to me, yes, yes you can.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. I know we have empty bedrooms, but—

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] I was gonna say.

LILIT (as Xianna): But your closet has a built-in mirror and a rotating cloak hanger, and it is very nice, and I would like to use it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what, you’re welcome to it if I’m gone, and you never know, this life is pretty crazy. You were talking about reaching under the seat. Did you know one time under the seat of a movie theater chair I found a Human baby?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Like a whole baby?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Someone left it there. They must have mixed it up with the popcorn or the big soda. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Ziller): To be fair, a popcorn bucket is about the size of a small Human child. That does make a lot of sense that you could get those confused.

LILIT (as Xianna): Especially if you get one of the movie promotion ones where you can bring it back and get free refills. Those are baby sized.

HUDSON (as Tink): They are baby sized. The family came back. They were worried.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Okay. That’s good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so you stole a baby.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No-no.

LILIT (as Xianna): You stole a baby!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no. The family came back. It was just a big misunderstanding. The baby’s fine now. We keep in touch.

CAMERON (as Karma): You and the family or you and the baby?

HUDSON (as Tink): Me and the baby.

LILIT (as Xianna): How long ago was this?

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it was a long, long time ago, far, far away from here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay…

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah… Anyway, back to the point, please don’t eat that popcorn.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, you know what, starting to feel a little rumbly in the tummy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Start a food fight or something. Don’t eat it. Don’t put that in your mouth.

HUDSON (as Tink): Food fights in the movie theater start with Raisinets. They don’t start with popcorn every time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well, I don’t see any Raisinets, so I think you’re limited on your food fight choices is what I’m saying.

NICK: Around this point some more prison guards come into the theater as the last of the prisoners take their seats. The doors are shut. There’s a guard standing at each door. Standing down by the screen you can see an HK unit guard that is holding a stun rifle.

NICK (as HK): Tonight is movie night. You will all be quiet during your required entertainment time. Anyone who disrupts movie night will be summarily stunned and thrown in solitary. Are there any questions?

HUDSON (as Tink): What does summarily mean?

NICK: HK looks down the barrel of his stun rifle at you, and there’s a long pause.

NICK (as HK): Oh, Tink, normally I would stun someone for asking questions during the “are there any questions” time. This time I won’t. You’ve been warned, prisoner.

[old-fashioned film sound effects begin alongside timely music]

NICK: The lights go down, and the screen flickers to life, and the viewers start to cheer as you see the title The Hunt for the Red Ortolan flash across the screen. Then the camera starts to dive under some shimmery waves, and we see a large underwater ship go by, and everyone gets quiet, and you have some time to talk as the movie starts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Here’s the game plan. I nominate everyone else to come up with a game plan.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a… Good job, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I’m really good at being a leader.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Very impressed with your leadership skills.

LILIT (as Xianna): From what we have already talked about, we are going to start a riot. Yes? And then we kill Falx? Or do we kill Big Jeyb? Or both? Who are we killing?

NICK (as Ziller): I would strongly prefer that we kill Big Jeyb at least first.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! He also has all the moonshine and stuff which we will  need to make the riot even bigger.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, bigger riot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Very true… I have no strong feelings or need to kill Falx. If we encounter him at some point and a fight is necessary, I’m not opposed to that, but I’m not invested enough in it to go hunt him down for that purpose, whereas Big Jeyb has supplies we need, so I’m leaning more that direction.

NICK (as Tadzi): Karma and the warden sitting in a tree.

CAMERON (as Karma): [admonishing] Tadzi.

LILIT (as Xianna): K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Because they are going to be kissing.

NICK (as Tadzi): Thank you, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or F-U-C-K-I-N-G.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs heavily]

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounds inappropes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes!

NICK (as Tadzi): Have you tried to do that in a tree though? It’s really hard to stay balanced.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I haven’t actually.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well you probably did in like a kelp forest or something, right Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): [sarcastically] Uh, yeah, definitely, kelp forest on turtleback.

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, I’ve done that position.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tadzi, I told you about that one time that I tried to do it in a tree and it did not go well, but it is possible. It could be done.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I’m just saying the risk versus reward seems a little out of balance to me.

CAMERON (as Karma): It sounds like it’d be a little bit scratchy.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, that too. Hey, some people are into that though.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s like when people talk about doing it on a beach. It’s like, I don’t want sand there.

NICK (as Tadzi): You’re literally, like, that’s how your species reproduces.

CAMERON (as Karma): Underwater is different than laying on sand!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like when you are naked on the sand it is coarse and rough and it gets everywhere… and I mean everywhere. Tadzi, this is a problem we had growing up. We are from a desert.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, that’s a fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just everywhere.

NICK: Blue leans over and seems to sit next to all of you at once, because she’s so big.

NICK (as Blue): If we could set Karma’s personal crushes on the warden aside…

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated sigh]

NICK (as Blue): …my focus would be on us getting out of here in one piece. I only have a couple of years left on my sentence, but frankly I’m tired of it. I ran out of weights I can lift, and it’s time to go, so as long as you help me escape as well I’m willing to chip in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we also have to get Sentinel, so we will have to get Tink to a computer, and then he can hack into the system with the keyboards and stuff and open the doors.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s how it works.

CAMERON (as Karma): And turn off the turrets, because that hallway is very dangerous.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, and maybe any cameras, or like loop the cameras like they do in the movies so it looks like the empty hallways but it’s not the empty hallways.

NICK: From the screen we see an orange Rodian with an eyepatch standing dramatically at the helm of this underwater ship.

NICK (as Neato): Some things don’t react well to bullets in here, commander.

NICK: And everybody in the audience cheers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I always thought it was weird for this movie that they just have him doing his natural accent when he is supposed to be from… when he is supposed to be from Pantora. Like, that was weird, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t imagine that Neato has the ability to not speak like that though, so they may have just given up and just been like, you know, he’s a high caliber actor, we want him in our movie, part of his thing is the voice.

NICK (as Neato): Full speed ahead. Damn the torpedoes.

CAMERON (as Karma): See?

LILIT (as Xianna): But everyone else is doing a Pantoran accent which is the confusing part.

[old-fashioned music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Without the voice I wouldn’t know it was Neato.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is there some sort of secret backstory where like he was adopted into Pantorans or something that I am not aware of? Is it one of those things where there’s like an extended universe and you have to read the side books to get all of the little information?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I can’t say I’ve read any of them, so I’m not sure.

NICK: A Rodian seated in the seats in front of you turns around and says:

NICK (as Rodian): Hey! Shush! I’m trying to watch the movie.

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

NICK (as Rodian): What do you mean, me, shh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

NICK: And from the front you hear a stun rifle charging, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): The prisoners will be silent or the prisoners will be stunned and dragged unceremonially from the theater.

NICK (as Rodian): Look, now you got me in trouble.

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

CAMERON: Karma turns back to everyone.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m cool with everyone here coming with us in the end game of this plan, which is escape.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ziller, what do you say?

NICK: Ziller makes eye contact with you, Tink.

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t have any reason that I wouldn’t want to escape. Nope. Definitely don’t have all of my krayt dragon eggs in one basket. Absolutely willing to collaborate on this in exchange for my freedom. Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): You sound sarcastic.

NICK (as Ziller): Nope! This is, uh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay, so that was concerning… and Xianna’s just gonna like squint at him.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a weird way to word it.

LILIT: And wants to do Perception? Skulduggery… Streetwise.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: I think it’s Outer Rim Lore.

NICK: I think it’s Perception.

LILIT: I’mma use a light side point.

NICK: It’s gonna be against two red and a purple.

LILIT: One success and six advantages.

NICK: Wow. I’ll let you spend those advantages how you would like. I can tell you from the success, he’s lying.

CAMERON: Whaaat?

NICK: Ziller seems very nervous about the idea of everyone trying to escape, and you know that it has probably something to do with what Tink told you all about Ziller working with Falx as a nark and that clearly Ziller still is thinking there’s a way to salvage that relationship and may need to be persuaded otherwise or cut loose, but if he’s cut loose you don’t know what he’s gonna do. I would say with that amount of advantages you can basically succeed on persuading him, you just have to decide what your avenue of attack is.

LILIT: Okay. Xianna leans away from the rest of the group so that just Ziller can hear her, and she whispers to him.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ziller, it sounds like you are a fucking nark. Is that what is happening?

NICK: You didn’t know it was possible to see someone flop-sweat when they’re covered in fur, but he does immediately become sweaty and shifty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Am I correct?

NICK (as Ziller): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as Ziller): Nark is a strong word. I have hedged my bets.

LILIT (as Xianna): So I am correct, you are a nark. So, here’s the thing, if you escape with us then whoever you are ratting to can’t hurt you because you are not in the prison anymore. You see how that makes sense?

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t think you understand how powerful Falx is. He can find you anywhere.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no, he is actually not very good at that. Falx is, um, not that good actually. He’s kind of a mess. Also, wait no, we agreed we are not killing Falx, however if we see Falx in the future outside of the prison we can kill him. Also, if you just like change your name he won’t find you.

NICK (as Ziller): You speak like you have experience.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Ziller): O-Oh…

NICK: Will you make me a Charm check with three blue dice for all of your advantages you got on the Perception?


NICK: It’s average difficulty. He wants to believe you.

LILIT: I have four successes and one advantage.

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, as long as you can guarantee my safety against Falx, who seems to me to be very intelligent and well thought out. I’m very intimidated by him in multiple ways, but if you don’t think he’s actually that good… then yeah, I’m in. Let’s escape this place.

LILIT (as Xianna): We will get you out of here. We will escape. We will get you to some other planet and you just change your name, and that is almost all you have to do to get away from Falx.

NICK (as Ziller): It just seems like, with his attention to detail and level of success in a bureaucracy, that wouldn’t be enough to take you off of his radar.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, so him getting the prison job was a demotion, if he even got it that way. He used to be much more important and then he got in trouble and he had no money. [gasps] Did he have to take this job because he had no money left?

NICK (as Ziller): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that why he had to do it?

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t know…

LILIT (as Xianna): He was broke and couldn’t figure out how to do the crime anymore?

NICK (as Ziller): He sort of insinuated to me that this was part of a bigger plan, but the more we talk about it the less confident I am that he’s thought it all the way through. Yeah, let’s plan this thing, I’m totally in, and if we happen to kill Falx along the way… all the better.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, he does not scan files if you give them to him, so you can just like give him whatever you want and you can just give all of his computers malware. It is very fun. He is surprisingly trusting for someone as devious as him.

NICK (as Ziller): Good to know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, end sidebar.

LILIT: Xianna turns back to everyone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Don’t pay attention to what we were doing over there. It is not important.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. We are going to riot? Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to right, not left.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, riot.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to go to the right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ri-ot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Riot.

LILIT (as Xianna): RI-OT.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re gonna ri– ride a yacht.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because the Afternoon Delight is indeed a yacht.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we will eventually get on it.

NICK (as Tadzi): Tink, if you keep giving Xiann a hard time for her accent I’m going to stab you in whatever a Gigoran has for a liver.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tadzi.

NICK (as Tadzi): You’re welcome.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy, stammering] Okay…

CAMERON (as Karma): After talking about the arteries earlier, I’m not really positive about Gigoran anatomy anymore.

NICK (as Tadzi): Then maybe I’ll just have to stab multiple times.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m bleeding out.

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, it stopped, calm down. You’re fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what, you are bleeding out, and so you are probably also going to die from the floor popcorn… [gasps] We will start a small riot here and then use that as a way to get you to the infirmary. We will sneak away while they are distracted with the shooting and stuff and we will go to the infirmary and we will get you healed up, and then we will use the computers in there, and instead of checking on the medical files you can hack into the systems!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah. I am pretty good at that. I haven’t touched a computer in so long.

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been like two weeks.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s just been so long.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been like two weeks.

NICK (as Blue): If you need someone to kick this thing off, I’m about done with this movie anyway, I’ve already seen it.

NICK: The Rodian turns around again.

NICK (as Rodian): Shh! No spoilers!

NICK: Blue looks at the Rodian and says:

NICK (as Blue): At the end of this Neato goes to Montana and gets a bunch of rabbits.

NICK: The Rodian gets really mad.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we start riot in here, small one, and then Tink and I go to the infirmary, get to the computers, and then karma, you…

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve got it set up with HK that I can get into the armory and get weapons for everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): So then you get us the weapons.

CAMERON (as Karma): For the big riot. If anyone has any specific weapons requests please let me know and I’ll do my best to find you something that fits those requirements.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just want a small blaster, not a big one. I am small.

CAMERON (as Karma): Something that might use Ranged: Light, you might say?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): One that is small enough for me to carry, so I would like that. So then while Tink and I are getting to the computers and stuff, you go get the weapons, and then we meet up at Jeyb’s cell, and then we kill Jeyb, steal  his moonshine and use the moonshine to fuel the riot and make the riot even bigger! And then the riot will be so big that all the guards will be distracted and we can easily get our whole group and Sentinel to the air vents in the library without having to be quite as sneaky, and then we can leave.

NICK: Xianna yelling “make the riot bigger” was covered by a large explosion on the holo screen, but you can see the glowing yellow eyes of HK at the front of the theater just staring straight at you all. The left eye flickers on and off a couple of times.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you talked about weapons request, uh, I got one.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is your request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d like a contraband slingshot, please.

CAMERON (as Karma): [confused] Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a weapon. Don’t act like it’s not a weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I was thinking more like an axe or a sharp pointy object for you. I can get you a slingshot though, if they have one.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if the balls that you put in the slingshot generally, or the rocks or whatever, they can be sharp.

CAMERON (as Karma): [trying real hard] Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): But we could just get you like a big axe or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, like a vibro-axe?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a lot better at that than slingshots actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s what I was saying. [laughs]

NICK: Blue leans over.

NICK (as Blue): You can get Tink a slingshot if he wants, but if you could just get me the largest heavy repeating blaster you can find I’ll make good use of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Noted.

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless you want an actual, quote, “contraband slingshot,” end quote. We can get you that, but that is I don’t think what you think it is.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It must not be. And by the way, why do you call it a heavy repeating blaster instead of heavy blaster blaster?

NICK (as Blue): Because it repeats when you fire.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, not the name. Got it.

NICK (as Blue): Like, duka-duka-duka-duka-duka… you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. I thought it was the name “blaster” was repeating, and I thought people were just doing a shortcut that wasn’t really a shortcut.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Blue): Oh, you mean like WWW is actually longer to say than World Wide Holonet?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.


LILIT (as Xianna): I thought it was the WWE not the WWW.

HUDSON (as Tink): The World Wildlife Wrestling Federation?


LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s what they used to call it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): But now they are doing something with giant vats of mimosas, so like I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay, so it looks like if you get us some melee weapons and some blasters from the armory we should be good to go, but what’s the rest of this plan? Where are we meeting up? What all are we doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are meeting up at Big Jeyb’s cell.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, you did say that.

LILIT (as Xianna): So that we can murder Big Jeyb and steal all of his moonshine in order to make the Mandalore cocktails in order to really ramp up the riot.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay.

[old-fashioned music returns]

NICK: On the movie screen Neato is standing dramatically on a chair in this underwater spaceship. One of the other officers is clasped dramatically to his leg and looking at him adoringly.

NICK (as Neato): We found it. We found the Red Ortolan. Now all we have to do is befriend it so that we can go to war.

[old-fashioned music ends]

NICK: The Rodian in front of you is mumbling to himself.

NICK (as Rodian): I really thought that this movie would make more sense than it is.

NICK (as Tadzi): So if we need to start a small riot here, I think if you all have plans for getting supplies and everything, we’ve got Blue and Ziller and I… I think we’re probably gonna be able to kick this thing off in a big way. Should we get started?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tadzi, did you have a weapons request?

NICK (as Tadzi): Knives please.

CAMERON (as Karma): Knives, noted.

NICK (as Tadzi): Vibro-knives if you got ‘em.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we start riot and then in, say, 30 minutes we meet at the cell of Big Jeyb.

NICK (as Ziller): Big Jeyb, northern cell block, right? Up towards the back? It’s two combined with the wall knocked down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, with the weird toilet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Ziller): I haven’t actually been. I was trying to avoid the…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Well, sorry. There’s a detail for you.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright, well if that’s what we’re doing…

NICK: Tadzi leans forward in their chair and flicks the back of the Rodian’s head.

NICK (as Rodian): Cut it out.

NICK: Tadzi waits a second… and flicks the back of the Rodian’s head.

NICK (as Tadzi): Hey, you know this movie ends with everyone dying, right?

NICK: And the Rodian slaps his hands on his knees and stands up.

NICK (as Rodian): That’s it! All I wanted to do was watch the movie! You all are being so disruptive talking about whatever the heck you were talking about. This movie won awards! People talk about it all the time even though it’s old, and I’ve never seen it, and it’s the only good thing that’s happening right now!

NICK (as HK): The prisoners are becoming unruly.

NICK: [whooshing sound of HK’s gun activating] And starts to walk up the stairs towards the Rodian.

NICK (as Rodian): Yeah, stun me. I’m the one that’s making the disruptions. Clearly I’m the one who is the problem and should be stunned for speaking up about people being polite in a movie!

NICK (as HK): Instructions acknowledged.

NICK: And shoots him with his stun blaster, and the Rodian slides down into his seat unconscious. HK starts to stalk up the stairs towards the Rodian.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, it won awards for best costuming, and everyone knows that you can win best costume awards and still be a really shitty movie.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. It can look gorgeous but it can still have a terrible plot.

NICK: Blue turns to you all.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, you mean like the Phantom Menace?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that movie about—

CAMERON (as Karma): The angry baby ghost!

LILIT (as Xianna): The angry—Yes.

NICK: HK has the Rodian by the back of his prison jumpsuit and his head whips around at 90 degrees and stares straight into Karma.

NICK (as HK): You did not just say baby ghost.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, in retrospect, I apologize. [laughs]

NICK (as HK): That’s more like it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Forgot your thing. But while you have graced me by speaking to me, esteemed guard, would you like assistance removing that very disruptive Rodian from the room?

NICK (as HK): Why would I need assistance?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I’m just thinking that, you know, since you’re gonna have to use both arms to pick him up it’s gonna be difficult if you have to stun anybody else for misbehaving, so I’m thinking if I could carry him for you then that leaves your hands free for lots of shooting.

NICK (as HK): This is a good point. I am convinced. Prisoner, your new task is to carry this dangerous Rodian. Come with me as we take them to solitary.

CAMERON (as Karma): Will do.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the Rodian and does a little wave to the group and follows HK out.

NICK: As you start to walk down the stairs, one of the other guards says:

NICK (as guard): Hey HK, where are you going with that Nautolan?

NICK (as HK): Oh, don’t worry about it, I needed help carrying them because I have such thin arms, and also that keeps my hands free for stunning any additional threats.

NICK (as guard): Oh yeah, that’s a good strategy, HK. You have fun there.

NICK (as HK): Thank you so much, and maybe later if you want to go somewhere alone with me I can talk to you more about these details.

NICK: The guard looks kind of confused as you walk by, and you go out the door.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, it kinda sounded like you were asking him out, just so you’re aware of how that came across.

NICK (as HK): Now that you say that I can see how that would be construed that way, but it seems irrelevant considering I want to kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I understand your motives, but what I’m saying is just I think that’s where his mind went.

NICK (as HK): Well, as long as he’s happy I guess that’s fine either way, and then I will kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] Okay.

NICK (as HK): Why did we leave? What’s going on?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, so, you remember that we had discussed going to arm ourselves? It is that time.

NICK (as HK): Oh, wonderful. Xianna promised that there would be a riot and that I would get to shoot so many people. Is that still on the table?

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s coming, and that is why we all need additional weapons so we can join you in the shooting.

NICK (as HK): Perfect. Well, if you want to dump that Rodian any-old-where we can head over to the administration building. I think the two of us should be able to infiltrate without too many problems.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sounds like a plan.

CAMERON: Karma opens a closet door, sets the Rodian inside, and then closes the door.

NICK: We get a shot of the Rodian twisted and uncomfortable-looking sprawled over some mop buckets, and then the door shuts and HK says…

NICK (as HK): Alright, well follow me

NICK: …and starts to head out of the cell block and into the night headed towards the administration building. So, Karma has left with HK, they are heading to the armory, you all have the theater, everyone is settled down as the movie is coming to a conclusion, and Blue asks:

NICK (as Blue): So, is it time for a distraction?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is time to riot.

NICK (as Blue): It’s been a good two to three days since the last one of those I was involved in.

NICK: And stands up, and she yells at the screen.

NICK (as Blue): Highlander was also a bad movie!

NICK: And starts wading down the seats towards the screen, and different prisoners stand up and start grabbing onto Blue, and the guards start to fire blasters, and it just descends into chaos very quickly. Tadzi grabs Xianna on the shoulder and says:

NICK (as Tadzi): Stay safe until I can find you again, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Will do. Okay, Tink, we must go now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yes.

NICK: Tadzi jumps onto Ziller’s shoulders and says…

NICK (as Tadzi): Forward!

NICK: …and they start running off down into the crowd too.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie Tink, we are going to the infirmary. We are going to be sneaky.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. I love being sneaky.

NICK: You all are able to slide out of a door pretty easily, because the guards are a little occupied by the giant mosh pit that movie night has just turned into. Can I get a Stealth roll from both of you?

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because the guards are distracted by the riot?

HUDSON: Can I have a blue die because the guards are distracted by the riot?

NICK: Do we want to just make it a collaborative Stealth check?

HUDSON: yeah, collab.

LILIT: So that would just give me another blue die?

HUDSON: Yeah, because I’m helping.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty, Nick?

NICK: We’re gonna say hard, because it is a prison.

LILIT: Okay. Six successes and one threat.

NICK: Wow. So you all are able to very quickly make your way to the clinic. There’s a few guards that go running past heading towards the small riot happening in the theater, and the clinic door is locked, but you’re able to get it open very easily, Xianna, by Skulduggery-ing your way through the lock, but as you open the door there is a prison guard in there who is actively shoveling medicine into his pockets.

NICK (as guard): Uh… what are y’all doing here? You’re supposed to be at movie night.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Things are going downhill with the movie night, and my friend here is injured and must be given medical attention.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yes, very injured.

NICK (as guard): Oh wow, you got stabbed good. That also looks kind of old. You didn’t come to get medical attention any earlier?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh—

LILIT (as Xianna): We had to go to movie night.

HUDSON (as Tink): The door was locked, too.

NICK (as guard): Yeah, I locked it because I’m stealing medicine, I mean appropriating resources for the greater good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I love the greater good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, big fan.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I’m gonna get some medical care now. We’ll turn a blind eye to whatever you’re doing. We’re fine, we’re all good here.

NICK: You wanna roll me a Charm check, Tink?


NICK: It’s gonna be average but with a black die, because this whole situation is very strange.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a failure and a disadvantage.

NICK: Oh. So you do not succeed in convincing this guard to leave you alone while you get medical care, but something kind of unrelated and good happens from this conversation. What do you think that is?

HUDSON: We’re part of the same fraternity in college.

NICK (as guard): Tink, is that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Oh… Brother?

[collegiate trumpet music begins]

NICK (as guard): I haven’t seen you since your days at Coronet University. How have you been, man? Well obviously not good, because you’re in jail and have been stabbed recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Had better days, but you know, no complaints overall. What about you?

NICK (as guard): Oh, you know, I’ve just been… doing the guard thing. It’s what I’ve always done. Selling drugs on the side, stealing from the tax payers, pretty standard stuff. We used to do something kind of similar to this in school, remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): [with a chuckle] Oh yeah. Do you remember the chant?

NICK (as guard): I sure do. Let’s do it at the same time.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright!

NICK & HUDSON (as guard & Tink): Hooga, hooga, hooga, awooga!

NICK (as guard): Yeah, that’s the chant.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah…

NICK (as guard): We got it.

NICK: And he gives you a high-five which tweaks your wound in your side.

HUDSON (as Tink): [pained grunt]

LILIT: Xianna is frozen in place, eyes wide as the moon, just mouth agape, staring at this.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as guard): Well, uh, be honest with me here, pal. Are you here because you just want medical supplies off-hours or are you trying to do something else?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if you have to know, I wanted to check my email and get medical attention.

NICK (as guard): I can see that. That’s why your friend’s here, right, to help you with the medical part?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK (as guard): Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head and snaps out of it.

[collegiate trumpet music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes… both the medical and checking his emails. Also, if you want me to open some of these other locked cabinets I can do that for you, if you want to just ignore us even more.

NICK (as guard): That does sound pretty good. Tell you what, that’s where they keep the really expensive stuff back there. I don’t have a key. If you can get that open, I’ll take some stuff and leave and we just never saw each other. How does that sound?

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds wonderful. Yes.

NICK (as guard): Perfect. Well, let’s get started.

NICK: We’re gonna cut away from you all to Karma. I need you and HK to do a collaborative Stealth check, please.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s the difficulty? Is it also hard, because we’re in a prison?

NICK: Hard. Yeah, because you’re in a prison, yep.

CAMERON: Yup, fair. Three successes and a triumph.

NICK: [laughing] Three successes and a triumph. Just describe how you end up in front of the armory in the admin building.

CAMERON: What areas do we have to walk through?

NICK: You have to walk out of the cell block through the mess hall towards the next cell block and then there’s a side way that goes towards the admin building from there, so it’s a pretty long journey, but you are like the night, no one sees you, and also something fortuitous happens.

CAMERON: It’s like a Scooby Doo episode if a Scooby Doo episode was set in a jail because they were researching some jail monster, like a baby ghost potentially.

NICK (as HK): Hey, watch it.

CAMERON: I’m not talking in character right now, HK. Hush.

NICK: [laughs]

[electronic music begins]

CAMERON: So, they’re just walking normally down hallways. Every time a guard turns the corner suddenly they’re no longer in the hallway and they’re either, like, standing in a cell or they’re standing in different cells on opposite sides of the hallway, and then when the guard passes they both peek their head out and look. There’s potted plants for some reason and they pop out of the potted plants… because that’s my favorite. Then a guard is coming and they duck into a cell, and you know the cells only have one door, and then the guard walks into the same cell, and then karma and HK walk out of a different cell and keep going. They just bypass everyone that they come across, and they end up at the admin building.

[electronic music ends]

NICK: You are able to hop through a window that happens to be unlocked and open.

CAMERON: How fortuitous.

NICK: As you go through the window you see that there’s a security system, but it appears to be off when the window is open, so you don’t have any problems there, which is good because HK comes through kind of slowly. He turns to Karma and says…

NICK (as HK): The armory is this way.

NICK: …and walks a few doors down, and while most of the doors in the admin room are thick wooden fancy carved doors this one is a metal door inset—it looks very technological—and there’s a touchpad. HK hits some buttons on it and it slides open, and there’s a guard standing on the other side of the door who turns around, and you’re off to the side, and the guard says:

NICK (as guard): HK, what are you doing here?

NICK (as HK): Oh, just… stuff and things.

NICK: And shoots him with his stun blaster. The guard flies backwards into the room, and he turns to Karma and says…

NICK (as HK): Come on, quickly.

NICK: …and he steps inside.

CAMERON: Karma follows. Steps under the doorway.

NICK: As the door slides shut you see HK doing an electronic whistle to himself as he flips the blaster over to hold it by the still-smoking barrel and raises it up above his head to smash down on the guard.

CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Is that really necessary?

NICK (as HK): What do you mean is that really necessary?

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, so we already took him out of commission, and I realize that the reason that you’ve been doing this is because I suggested the way to do it, and I almost immediately regretted that decision… although I realize it’s also made it easier for us as there are now less of a guard presence.

NICK (as HK): Yeah, exactly. It was all strategic. No personal joy at all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh sure, but what I’m just saying is that I feel like… I don’t want to be here if you’re gonna just, like… now I’m participating because I’m here and I’m even more uncomfortable with it, so can we just leave him stunned?

NICK (as HK): You can wait outside if you want.

NICK: He raises the gun even higher.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sweetly] Please?

NICK (as HK): … Fine. Fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): I promise there will be more people to shoot later, and you can shoot with wild abandon.

NICK (as HK): I’m sure there will be. Ooh, I haven’t done suppressing fire in a while. That’ll be fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, look at all of these guns. We can get you a non-stun gun.

NICK: HK looks up, and the camera goes over HK and Karma’s shoulder, and you can see just rows and rows of weapons and contraband hung behind a fenced cage which is sitting open. HK, without looking down, kicks the guard in the ribs.

NICK (as HK): You are so lucky there’s something better to do than murder right now.

NICK: They start to walk into the vault to collect weapons.

CAMERON: Karma, as she’s walking past the guard, reaches down and picks up his security badge and pockets it.

NICK: Nice. We cut back to the clinic. Xianna, Tink’s buddy, apparently, is waiting excitedly as you start to pick open this lock to the expensive medicine. You wanna make me a Skulduggery check?

LILIT: Sure.

NICK: It’ll be with a black die because you don’t have your normal lock picking tools.

LILIT: I can remove a black die with Bypass Security, and this is a locked door.

NICK: It sure is.

LILIT: Seven successes.

CAMERON: [laughing] Holy shit.

NICK: Wow. The doors basically pop off the hinges and a secret inset in-the-cabinet door opens to where there’s a pile of credit chips that you’re able to pocket before the guard notices, and you find 500 Credits inside this door. The guy is flabbergasted for a second and then looks at you and says:

NICK (as guard): How are you in here… if you can unlock stuff that easy?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it is a long story, but don’t worry, just take your drugs and be on your merry way. Also, I would look out, because I have heard that the cell block is haunted by a baby ghost.

NICK (as guard): I’ve heard that too. Those small bloody handprints found on the bodies of unwitting guards. Very scary stuff. Thank you for the warning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I have heard that people have been found choked with little tiny handprints on their throat.

NICK (as guard): Nothing with hands that small could be anything but a very small infant. Surely no adult-sized creature would ever have hands that dainty.

LILIT (as Xianna): And also be able to reach the throat of a full-grown Human or humanoid creature.

NICK (as guard): I think, honestly, this is the biggest evidence of the existence of ghosts that’s ever existed in the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It is solid proof that there is indeed an afterlife and that you can reach out to your loved ones after you have passed into the great beyond.

NICK (as guard): And that they’ll kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or choke you, which you know is not the worst thing ever, I just do feel like the ghost really should be asking us first.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Because there are steps you have to take for that. But anyways, here are your drugs. I hope you have a great day.

NICK: You hand him a satchel that you’ve been scooping drugs into while you talk, and he throws it over his shoulder.

NICK (as guard): Man, everything’s just turning out really well today. I’m so glad we ran into each other, Tink. Awooga-awooga, right? Right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Awooga-ooga!

NICK (as guard): Yeah! Alright, you two kids have fun now.

NICK: And he leaves. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna whips her head around to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Were you in a fraternity?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. I thought you knew it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Were you a frat bro and you did not tell me?

HUDSON (as Tink): This was before I was straightedge, but yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): This just changes everything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do I get some respect now or something?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…


NICK: So, as you are all talking, Xianna, you’re able to gather some medical supplies, and Tink, you can see that the medical terminal is right where you saw it last when you were working in the clinic. It’s got a little screen saver going that’s really artistic pictures of the architecture of the prison which would look cool except it’s prison architecture so it’s really depressing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, let’s get this off the screen.

HUDSON: I crack my knuckles.

LILIT: Xianna comes up behind Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, on the count of three. Okie? One, two…

LILIT: And then Xianna stabs two stim packs into Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, that should heal you. You should be good now.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m feeling a lot better already. I can see clearly now.

NICK: So Tink is able to sit down at the computer. Worth noting that stim packs are all just like adrenaline and pain killers and don’t actually fix stuff, so while mechanically he has full health he still has a hole in his side that should be addressed at some point. [laughs] This is Nick the GM being concerned about Tink’s health at this point.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: The computer has a password screen to log in. You’re gonna have to slice it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Looks like I’m gonna have to slice it.


NICK: So roll me that slicing check at hard difficulty, and you don’t get your blue die because you don’t have your outlaw tech data breaker.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: I had four successes.

NICK: Wow, nice. So you’re able to get in very quickly and you have complete control of the system.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, the password is “Falx is cool” but with a K-E-W-L. Looks like the entire network password has been set to that, actually. Hmm. Oh my, oh, what is… ugh! Oh my. I opened, and the desktop background… It’s a picture of, like, an operation happening where they’re cutting into this person’s stomach and it says “scalpel me timbers.”

NICK: [laughs] Gross. Gross~ You’re able to see that from this computer you have access to a majority of the prison security systems and records. It’s exactly what you needed. The stim packs are starting to kick in.

HUDSON (as Tink): Everything’s coming up Tink!

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 9 Bump Set Stab

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 9:
Bump Set Stab

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I have one new announcement this week. We are adding a new periodic segment to Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our bonus feed for $5 and up patrons. We will be answering fan letters in character for patrons who write in. if you have any questions or want advice from a character or an NPC, and you’re a $5 and up patron, send your letters in to or through a Patreon message. Feel free to submit as many letters as you’d like, and we’ll be answering them in short segments to publish to the Underwear Drawer in the coming months.

Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support. It helps us to keep going and to grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 9! I am your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. Things are hopefully settling down a little bit, moving along in life well and good, and if not… eh, same. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played why don’t you go ahead and tell us what you spent that on, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I bought another rank in Stealth.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: So that I can murder volleyball better and more sneakily.

NICK: That makes sense.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: [in a drawling accent] Howdy-ho partners. My name is Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’ve used my experience to get 2 levels in Charm. I’m up to level 2 now, because I wanna charm the hell out of that volleyball.

NICK: [chuckling] That makes a lot of sense. Welcome to, apparently, alternate reality Hudson based on what that sounded like.

HUDSON: I’m a soft-spoken western gentleman.

NICK: I guess so.

LILIT: If you say so.


NICK: Sure!


NICK: Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: [in an exaggerated version of the accent] Well I’m just a southern chicken.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: I don’t know much about lawyer stuff…

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: No. Anyways. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I bought a new talent tree.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Oh-ho-ho!

LILIT: I bought Charmer and was able to get a rank of Smooth Talker in it. When first acquired you must choose Charm, Coercion, Deception or Negotiation. I chose Deception, so now my Smooth Talker is set for Deception from now on. When making checks with that skill, spend a triumph to gain additional successes equal to ranks in Smooth Talker.

NICK: Oh, cool.

HUDSON: Hey Lilit.


HUDSON: Would you say that you’ve been hit by, been struck by—

LILIT: A smooth criminal?

HUDSON: —a Smooth Talker talent tree?



LILIT: I would not.

NICK: So, before we get with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

NICK: Nice, so four light side, one dark side?


NICK: Not a bad start. So to recap where we last left off…

Last time the squad defeated two separate volleyball teams, the Pecan Sandys, which was a team of older prisoners in leather jackets, and the Chadra-Friends, a team of Chadra-Fans standing on each other’s shoulders in big prison jumpsuits. Watching another of the volleyball games, Tink borrowed a shiv and threw it at one of the competing teams and managed to hit someone.

Unfortunately, you all realized that someone was Endo the Tognath, second in command of Big Jeyb’s organization. He was pulled out of the game for holding a weapon and is binding his injury, but he does know that Tink threw a shiv at him and he’s not thrilled. That’s pretty much what happened last time.

We open on a scene of volleyball prowess. The team of prisoners is attempting to hold their own against Big Jeyb and his team, Whale of a Tail, but having a tough time. Even though it is a five versus six game, the talent and athletic prowess of the Herglic’s organization is making quick work of the enemy team. You see Endo with a green-soaked bandage on his back go and talk to HK who is refereeing, buying Jeyb time to grab one of the other team by the head, lift them up, and crush their face with his massive hand. They fall to the ground unconscious. HK sees them laying on the ground, their nose leaking blood, and says:

NICK (as HK): What an unfortunate accident. It appears the competition proved too much for them.

NICK: Soon after, Jeyb slams a spike over the net leaving a mushroom cloud of sand and a slightly smoking crater on the opposing side. The game ends, and a short break is called while HK rounds up prisoners to fill in the new hole in the court. You all have observed this, and you know that your next game will be against Big Jeyb and team.

HUDSON: Easy-peasy, right?

CAMERON: What’s the makeup of Big Jeyb’s team? So, Big Jeyb’s a Herglic, Endo’s a Tognath, who else is on that team?

NICK: Big Jeyb’s team, Whale of a Tail, has a very scary-looking Human. They look very fast and very sharp was the only way you can think about it. They have a Bith, one of those lightbulb-headed aliens with the weird little squeaky mouths. What else do we want to be on there? Anything y’all wanna see?

CAMERON: A Selkath.

NICK: Oh come on.


NICK: Cool, they have a Selkath who appears to be suffering mightily in the heat and sand, being an amphibious alien.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: And a…

CAMERON: A Besalisk.

NICK: Yeah, let’s do a Besalisk, those are fun, which is a four-armed brawny alien that looks like it has kind of a turkey head. They are usually bad news and pretty strong and combative and scary. So, it’s a strong team. They look to have a varied level of skill and organization in a way that will be hard to identify any particular weaknesses.

Y’all are sitting beside the court. There’s been a break as you see people trying to scramble and fill the sand back in so the next game can happen, and you have a little time.

CAMERON (as Karma): So Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): While I must say, that was a very impressive throw…

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Thank you!

CAMERON (as Karma): …and I’m greatly shocked that it was successful, so can’t fault you there, however I feel like that may not have been the smartest move having met that guy before.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think that it was a strategic move, and we’re gonna see how it plays out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like it’s gonna end up with you getting shanked.

LILIT (as Xianna): We also could have used the shiv on somebody else.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it would take, like, a bunch of shivs to kill Big Jeyb. He’s big.

NICK: [splutters]

LILIT (as Xianna): Well not if you aim well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… yeah, I guess if you go right for the c-carotin vein.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not a thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): The what?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s the carotin vein. It’s the one that has the most blood going through it.

NICK: Ziller leans down from where he’s sitting on the bleachers where you all are.

NICK (as Ziller): Hey brother. We talking about killing Big Jeyb?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, anecdotally, yes. I was talking about killing Big Jeyb with many shivs.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, I think Tink has a good point. With a Herglic like that, probably the only way to bring him down with weapons available would be maybe hitting him in the carotene artery.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s almost what I said. I was wrong, it’s the carotene artery. Sorry everyone.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think any of that is right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a doctor? I’m sorry, did you study?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, but I have stabbed people before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I didn’t think I was that far off in my Herglic anatomy, but it’s been a while since school, so maybe I’m forgetting something, but that doesn’t sound familiar to me at all.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just trust me on this one.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Tadzi is standing near Xianna.

NICK (as Tadzi): So if it’s a carotene artery, does that mean it’s filled with fingernails? Because that’s gross.

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue, do you know what the kriff Tink and Ziller are talking about?

NICK (as Blue): I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea what they’re talking about. I think they’re making it up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That makes me feel better.

NICK: Yeah, so you are all standing around, and Tadzi looks to Xianna and says:

NICK (as Tadzi): Xiann, any ideas on how to get past these? This is gonna be pretty hard.

LILIT (as Xianna): I was kind of just hoping that the power of friendship would pull us through this game.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe some light cheating. Can we bribe the referee?

NICK (as Tadzi): Do you have something that assassin droid is interested in?

LILIT (as Xianna): Possibly. I don’t know. I will have to talk to them.

NICK (as Tadzi): Okay, well there’s not much time until this game. If you’re gonna try to bribe the ref I’d do it soon.

LILIT: So Xianna gets up and starts sauntering over to HK.

NICK: HK is talking to Big Jeyb over by the net, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): Calming Statement: The rules were being upheld. Your second in command was holding a weapon. Their removal followed the letter of the law. That is my job as referee, and also theoretically as a prison guard. Thank you.

NICK (as Jeyb): That’s a pile of bullshit. I hate you so much. I’m going to make sure that you don’t have a job anymore, because they don’t hire droids that don’t have a head. I’m implying I’ll kill you.

NICK (as HK): Threat acknowledged. Please prepare for the next game.

NICK: And Big Jeyb stomps off, shaking the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK~! HK.

NICK (as HK): Reluctant Greeting: Hello Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a proposition for you. What if you rule things in our favor and help us win the game and make sure that the other team, a Whale of a Tail, loses?

NICK: HK slouches a little and puts his hands on his hips.

NICK (as HK): What’s in it for me, Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna reaches up and puts two hands on the side of HK’s face and leans in really close and whispers.

LILIT (as Xianna): We will riot, and you may kill so many people.

CAMERON & HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): Processing. Processing. Process—Wow, it seems like my ocular sensors are starting to malfunction. I just can’t get a clear view of the court. It seems to only be on the left side, though. Hmm, interesting. That seems to be the side the Ball Slappers are assigned to. Hmm. Oh well, it’s probably nothing.

NICK: HK begins to whistle mechanically and turn around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Bye HK~ We will meet up with you later.

NICK (as HK): Do not fraternize with the guards, prisoner, or I will be forced to stun you, again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Bye guard who I do not know at all. Bye~

NICK (as HK): Thanks Xianna.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna skips back to where everyone else is sitting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I have worked out a deal with HK, and he is always going to make rulings in our favor and help us win, so that is my contribution to this. Everyone else needs to carry their own weight.

NICK (as Blue): Was that a dig at your Herglic teammate? Because that seems kind of low, even for you, short stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not. I forgot that we even had a Herglic on our team.


HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Why aren’t you remembering all our teammates? What, are you not a team player?

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe.

NICK (as Tadzi): Xianna, we’re literally standing right here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue is an integral part of our team.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am sorry, Blue. I did not realize that everyone here was on the team. I am so sorry. I thought maybe you were like a team manager or something of that nature. I do apologize.

NICK (as Filbert): Nah, she’s got a good point! I’m not on the team, and I’ve been standing over here too.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… God damn it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, because you’re a talent scout, right though, Filbert?

NICK (as Filbert): Yup, looking for the next big thing. Looks like the Pecan Sandys’ heyday has passed.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are so old.

CAMERON (as Karma): You do have very good jackets, though.

NICK (as Filbert): Well thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not mean it. I’m sorry.

NICK (as Blue): It’s okay, apology accepted, and I look forward to destroying the other team with you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good. What is everybody else’s plan for helping us cheat?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m going to icepick people.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wonderful, A+.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Tadzi): Solid plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what do you have?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I was gonna dig holes to make booby-traps, but I’m starting to think that I would get caught very quickly.

LILIT (as Xianna): On our side or their side?

CAMERON (as Karma): What side of the court?

HUDSON (as Tink): Their side, like they take a few steps forward, fall in, can’t get out. Hole’s too deep.

LILIT (as Xianna): You would need to be doing that now. They’re already filling in the court.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if you’re gonna have time for that, buddy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, bad plan. Uh… Does sand getting wet make bad play for them?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it’s not ideal. Are you going to pee on their side of the court or something?

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Nooo… I was going to use another liquid source, of course.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of course.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sure, if you say so.

NICK (as Tadzi): That’s concerning. Why did you call it a liquid source? Nobody calls wet things liquid source. I’m very upset.

CAMERON (as Karma): I guess if the sand got wet it would decrease the amount of shock that was absorbed when people jumped back down, which could cause some knee injuries.

NICK (as Ziller): But they’d also have more traction, brother. That could be an issue. They may be able to move faster if you pee down the court.

CAMERON (as Karma): True, but just happenstance, if it was pee and it smelled really bad too or was a chemical weapon…

HUDSON (as Tink): [softly] Oh…

NICK (as Ziller): Oh yeah, well that would just be if me and Tink did it. It’s a very well-known trait of Gigorans that our pee is caustic and horrifying.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. How quickly would blisters form on their feet? I don’t know… No, they’d be wearing shoes. What if they fell on it?

NICK (as Ziller): Well, so it is a pretty basic substance, so it’s pretty slippery.

CAMERON (as Karma): But you just said that they would have more traction! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): You also used the word caustic.

NICK (as Ziller): No, if you wet it down with a different liquid source it would be more traction.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh! Okay. I’m just gonna back out of this conversation. Y’all can keep going.

NICK (as Ziller): Yes, I am also uncomfortable with us talking about my urine.

HUDSON (as Tink): My only other idea involved hot air balloons and crossbows, and in no way can I get that in the next few minutes.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not how that works.

NICK: So, Blue gathers you all around into a huddle.

NICK (as Blue): So, it’s about time that we pick who’s gonna play what this time. I know last time Tadzi took some hits. Karma, you’re swelling up a little bit where you got hit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no, I’m fine.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, wonderful, great then.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s just a flesh wound.

NICK (as Blue): We just need to know who’s going to do what. I volunteer to be a Blocker again. No problems there. Ziller seems to have been pretty effective as a Defensive Expert, he’s got some good advice, but you all make the call, you all convinced us to play.

LILIT (as Xianna): I do not remember what position I was last time.

CAMERON (as Karma): I believe you were a Setter.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did I do good?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then I should just do that again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Agreed.

HUDSON (as Tink): As the leader of this team, I will delegate part of my responsibilities to Karma to pick the rest of the positions.


CAMERON (as Karma): So, thinking through this, the Blockers are basically there to serve as the front line and to try to make it so that the Setters don’t get injured. I don’t think there’s any way that Tink is not going to be attacked during this game, as he did throw a shiv and piss off the other team already, so I’d say putting him as a Blocker makes a lot of sense, because he’s gonna get hit anyway. Like, if we keep what we had last time of Tadzi and Xianna being the Setters, Ziller do Defensive Specialist, and the rest of us be Blockers, that’s probably how most people are gonna be attacked anyway.

NICK: Tadzi looks at you with respect in their eyes.

NICK (as Tadzi): Dang Karma, that’s stone cold.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I’m not concerned really about me and Blue. I think we’re fine, as we’ve established us being very strong.

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] I’m strong.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know, but you didn’t work out with me and Blue, so you don’t have the same strong rep going.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I got it.

CAMERON (as Karma): And I know, Tadzi, when you agreed to join the team one of your top priorities was not dying, so, you took a few hits, I think putting you as a Setter—you’re very coordinated, I’ve seen you move, so I think you’re good staying there, and then hopefully you don’t get hit again so that you get out of this without any big issues.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m a big fan of not getting hit, don’t get me wrong, just to go “hey, I think our friend’s in danger, let’s put him where he’s easier to hit to serve the team,” that’s just some solid logic but not some solid caring about people. I’m just impressed, that’s all.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have a lot of faith in Tink. He is a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am a doctor.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have to stop telling him that. He is not, and the longer we keep telling him he is the worse it’s going to get, and he’s going to start talking about carrot arteries and stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): Carrot arteries? That’s the combination of medical practice and cooking, and I’m not there yet. I’m going into that field.

CAMERON (as Karma): What? What? No.

LILIT (as Xianna): What…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Carrot arteries.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): Anyway. Ziller does work in the clinic, so I’m assuming Ziller at least has some training.

NICK (as Ziller): Mostly they just make me carry heavy stuff, but I do appreciate the vote of confidence.

CAMERON (as Karma): If it comes to carrying Tink, he is heavy, and there you go, that’s your skillset.

NICK (as Ziller): Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night putting our brother Tink in danger, you go right ahead.

NICK: It sounds like Xianna and Tadzi are going to be Setters, Tink, Karma and Blue are gonna be Blockers, and Ziller will be the Defensive Specialist again. Is that your plan?



NICK: Okie-dokie.

CAMERON: Before we leave our huddle, who is still armed? I have an icepick. I know Tadzi had a selection of…

HUDSON: Shivs.

CAMERON: …sharp pointy objects.

NICK: Yeah.

NICK (as Tadzi): I have one left. It’s a sharpened vibro-spoon. Tink threw the other one. I only had three, and I don’t think anyone else had any weapons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, would you like to replace your sharp stabby object as you are a melee expert so having one would probably be beneficial to you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, let’s do it, I’ll take one.

NICK: It’s the handle of the spoon that’s sharpened, not the scoopy part of a spoon. Technical term, scoopy part.

CAMERON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Tadzi hands it towards Tink, and as he goes to reach for it they pull it back.

NICK (as Tadzi): Now Tink, are you gonna throw this one away? Because finding these is actually not super easy. I spent a lot of time, and you just gave a weapon to the other team. Granted, you did it pointy-end-first, which was pretty cool, but I want this back.

HUDSON (as Tink): When you fight with shivs and other type of weapons, sometimes you lose the weapon in the enemy.

NICK (as Tadzi): You didn’t answer my—Are you going to give this back to me? Because I want it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Philosophically speaking…

CAMERON: [laughs] Gosh.

HUDSON (as Tink): …is it really yours in the first place, or is it the universe’s?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s Tadzi’s.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Tadzi): Xiann, can you please make sure that your big hairy friend gives me back my stabbing spoon?

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): [more pointed] Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): You have to give it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if I use it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Then hold onto it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Stab in, pull back out. Keep a hold on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t have to throw it. You can just hold it in your hand, and do the stabby, and then keep it in your hand. Or, you throw it, do the stabby that way, but then you go get it afterwards.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): But please don’t throw it, that should not have worked last time.

HUDSON (as Tink): It was pretty cool though, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It was very cool, but that should not have worked.

NICK: We flash back to the blade tumbling through the air in slow motion and sinking deep into Endo’s back, and a slight mist of green blood, and we jump back to the present.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that was badass.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, you get the shiv back when I’m done.

NICK (as Tadzi): Thank you, Tink. I respect you as a combatant and a volleyball player… and a doctor, I guess.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well thank you. I don’t get enough respect as a doctor.

CAMERON (as Karma): There may be reasons for that. Anyway, let’s volleyball! [claps]

NICK: [smiling] We end with Karma saying “anyway, let’s volleyball,” and clapping, and there’s a delayed clap from everyone else out of sync as they try to break the huddle, and it doesn’t go very well.


NICK: You set up on the left side of the court. You notice that one of HK’s ocular sensors is blinking rapidly. Either it’s malfunctioning or he thinks that’s how winking works. It’s hard to tell. You all set up with Karma, Blue and Tink in the front, Ziller stuck in the middle, and Tadzi and Xianna kind of on the outliers towards the back, ready to go, and before we roll to see how this volleyball game goes, who is going to be violent?

CAMERON: I am violencing.

NICK: You are violencing with your icepick?

CAMERON: Indeed.

NICK: How sneaky are you being?

CAMERON: Medium.

NICK: Like a three out of five?

CAMERON: [chuckling] Yes.

NICK: Okay, so that’s an average Stealth check, please.

CAMERON: [chuckling] Medium sneakitude.

NICK: But you can have two blue dice, because HK is very much not looking.

CAMERON: And I can have I believe another two blue dice for my Stalker talents. Actually, I wanna do a hard Stealth.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’mma be even sneakier.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Nice. Two of those purples came up blank. [laughs] Six successes, four advantages.

NICK: Wow! Good job.


NICK: You are completely not seen, probably not even by the other team very well. Nobody notices that you’re actively assaulting the other team, and you are not sacrificing any sort of efficacy of your attack in an attempt to not be seen. You are just very good at both, and you can have, with those advantages, an extra two blue dice for your violence roll, which will be made at easy. You can do a Melee attack, I would assume you would want to do.

CAMERON: Yeah, I think an icepick is Melee.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: Can I have another blue die because whoever I’m stabbing hasn’t stabbed anyone else yet?

NICK: Well this is throughout the course of the game.

CAMERON: [giggling] Can I stab them first?

NICK: I mean, if you wanna do it right at the beginning, yeah, I’ll give you a blue die. You had enough stealth advantages that I don’t think you have to wait for your moment.

CAMERON: Yeah, I wanna take someone out like immediately.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Do-do-do, and that purple came out blank. Lovely. Five successes, two advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Oh. Well. Two advantages is enough to crit with an icepick. A triumph is enough to crit, again. If an icepick is +1 damage, how much damage is that total?


NICK: Nine damage and a crit with +10.

CAMERON: I have 3 ranks of Lethal Blows.

NICK: So +40 to the crit roll?


NICK: Go ahead and roll your +40 crit.

CAMERON: That is a 19.

NICK: Plus 40.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So 59.

LILIT: On a 59 that is Agonizing Wound: Increase difficulty to Brawn: Agility checks until the end of encounter.

NICK: Ooh, so you don’t take this opposing player out, but you are going to hurt them very badly and very much impact their performance. They will have to go to the clinic after this. They manage to stay up, but only because they’re more scared of Big Jeyb than they are of you. Which one are you attacking? Out of the front line it’s Big Jeyb, the Selkath and the Besalisk.

CAMERON: I’m gonna do the Besalisk.

NICK: The Besalisk? Yeah.


NICK: Cool. Is anybody else cheating or doing violence?

HUDSON: I’m saving my violence for defensive actions whenever someone inevitably comes after me.

NICK: Okay. So to do that, why don’t you make me the Stealth check and pick how overt you wanna be at using your shiv to defend yourself, and I’ll make that so that when people try to attack you that they have a lot of minuses if you do well.

HUDSON: Oh, okay. I’m gonna make it three purple.

NICK: Okay, and don’t forget you get two blue dice because HK is not really looking.


NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: One advantage. Heh.

NICK: So, throughout the course of this match you’re going to attempt to defend yourself. I think you lose the shiv very quickly. You’re not going to be removed from the game, because you didn’t fail, but also because the other team also helps the fact that you have a weapon stay hidden because a valid defensive strategy for you would have been to be caught with a weapon so they take you out of the game so you don’t get hurt, so they also make sure no one sees it, and that’s gonna give them some advantages trying to attack you here.

HUDSON: [laughs] Alright.

NICK: That’ll be bad. Xianna, are you just straight playing volleyball or are you trying to do anything?

LILIT: Xianna’s going a similar route to Tink and will mostly be playing straightforward volleyball but also be on the defensive and paying more attention to not getting hurt by the other team than doing anything to them.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, this is a good idea for you, because if anyone tries to attack you it will be with Melee and that’ll be bad for you.

LILIT: I will do three for a hard check.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So this is two failures and seven advantages?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: What?!

LILIT: So I am going to use my talent, Natural rogue, and once per session reroll any one Skulduggery or Stealth check.

NICK: Yeah, you probably don’t wanna go to solitary right now.

LILIT: Oh, much better. Okay. I like this a lot more.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: One triumph with a success, three additional successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow, okay. With that level of a Stealth check on this, do you want to just make it that no one is able to get near you because you’re so quick on your feet and everything? You will not be attacked this round at all.


NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Nobody is able to get near me, and through the power of friendship and perseverance Xianna is able to play at a level that was not previously thought of before.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Just perfect form, pure precision and athleticism. Peak performance.

CAMERON: Such focus.

NICK: So, now that we have all set our violence levels and Xianna has violenced defensively to a point where she is almost impossible to find on her side of the court, I need everybody to roll their volleyball checks! For the Blockers, Tink and karma, I need you to roll Athletics. For Xianna, I need you to roll Coordination. All of these checks will have two blue dice added because of Ziller’s expert leadership, and let’s see how this turns out. Average difficulty.

CAMERON: Okie-doke.


LILIT: Xianna’s volleyball check is a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

CAMERON: Karma’s check is three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Very good.

HUDSON: Two advantages.

CAMERON: [softly] Oh buddy.

NICK: Oh buddy. Well sir.



[jazz music starts setting a dangerous mood]

NICK: So, this volleyball game is fiercely competitive, and by fiercely competitive I mean it’s basically just a straight fight. The ball often times gets hit high into the air where it disappears into the rapidly spreading darkness as the sun has set just before this game started. While it’s in the air you all are attacked and forced to defend.

Xianna, whenever you can tell the other team is about to try to run under the net to do something you manage to be on a different part of the court. There is probably a point where Xianna is on the enemy’s side of the court because all of the enemy team is on your side of the court. It’s like you’re orbiting, they can never get near you, and you are all over the place just kicking butt and taking names. You are very, very good at volleyball.

Karma, you destroy this Besalisk. [laughs] At the beginning of the game, Ziller goes for the first serve and as everyone’s watching the ball in the air you pull this icepick out and just jam it into the Besalisk’s quad and rake it up his side. You tear open his prison jumpsuit and several layers of muscle and skin, and he drops to one knee, and he’s bleeding pretty heavily. HK sees that, and you hear him go…

NICK (as HK): [robotic casual whistling]

NICK: …as he whistles and doesn’t pay attention. The Besalisk is unable to contribute to this. You have inhibited his athletic ability enough with this really bad injury that he can’t really do much. He hits the ball a couple of times, but he’s not able to help set anything up. He’s not able to attack anybody. You pretty much completely negate this one from the fight. So good job.

Tink. Old buddy old pal. So, you’re trying to play volleyball [laughs], and I think we see Tink’s extremely nervous face as the volleyball game begins, and Endo, the Tognath that you threw a shiv at last game—

HUDSON: Successfully targeted a shiv at.

NICK: Yes you did.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: You hit with a shiv, this is true, and he is painfully aware of that fact. It seems like no matter where you set up on the court he sets up across from you. You’ve switched with Blue a couple of times, you’ve switched with Karma once or twice, and even the injured Besalisk will limp out of the way to allow Endo to set up across from you. You get the feeling very early on that he’s probably going to try to kill you.

[jazz music ends]

Cameron, if you could roll me three yellows and a green versus a hard difficulty check, please, and if you could also give him a blue die… and you know what, flip my dark side point, let’s make that four yellows.

CAMERON: Oof… Two successes, an advantage, and a triumph.

NICK: Ooh, okay. I need you to roll me a crit +20, please.

CAMERON: Fifty-four, so 74.

LILIT: A 74 is Hamstrung: Lose free maneuver until end of encounter.

NICK: Okay, so  Hudson.


NICK: Tink takes 8 damage, but this is Pierce 4, so you lose 4 Soak. So throughout this volleyball game Endo is just always next to you. It doesn’t really matter where the ball is, it doesn’t really matter what’s happening with the game, Endo has just pretty much negated you and him from this game. You make eye contact with his weird coin eyes a couple of times.

NICK (as Endo): I told you I’d remember this.

NICK: And about halfway through the game he plants what feels like some sort of rod of burning flame—you’re not sure exactly what it is—into your side and drags it down through your leg and manages to short it out. This is your robotic leg. So, it’s still functioning, but it’s definitely having some problems. As he pulls back, you can see him sheathing what basically looks like a length of rebar that has a battery stuck to it.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

CAMERON: Ooh, I want it.

NICK: It’s like a burning prod that he shoved into your side, and it hurts really, really, really, really bad, and you are not able to contribute much to the game at all.


NICK: And as the game continues on, you all are losing. You all are not able to do much with this. Sure, Karma was able to stop the Besalisk from really contributing, but Big Jeyb is a force to be reckoned with, and Endo, after having stabbed Tink, is almost as quick as Xianna is everywhere, and the last thing we see is Tink setting up to try to block a spike from Big Jeyb and the ball hitting him in the face and the ball driving Tink backwards without bouncing off of him into the ground. Again, there’s a mushroom cloud of sand…

[over-the-top explosion noise with sand settling]

…and HK says from his point on the sidelines:

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately there is no way that I can declare Ball Slappers the winner. Whale of a Tail has won by two sets.

NICK: You all gather what the rest of your team is looking like, and everybody is a little bruised. Xianna isn’t, Karma isn’t, but Blue definitely took some hits. Tadzi is still trying to recover from the last one. Even Ziller looks like he’s been pretty beat up. You all lost the game.

NICK (as HK): Whale of a Tail is the winner. I am regretful to award them this bucket of prison hooch, and these packets of flaming hot Spunyuns, and this drastically reduced amount of credits.

NICK: HK pulls out a sack and drops it down. He called it a bucket of prison hooch, but it’s like a keg of hooch. It’s actually quite a bit.

NICK (as Jeyb): All according to plan. Good job, Endo, for making the other team so intimidated. You’ll always be my number two.

NICK: They pick up the stuff and they start to walk away as the rec yard is closing for the night.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey y’all, I think I wanna kill Endo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. What if we kill Endo and Jeyb and Falx all at once?

CAMERON (as Karma): All at once?! [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We invite them to a party and kill them all at the same time. We make it look like some sort of fight. The murder passion… A passion murder! A murder of passion! Some sort of argument and they all stab each other and they died.

CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t see any possible reality where Falx wins or injures Big Jeyb and Endo, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, we would make it look as if Big Jeyb and Endo stabbed Falx and then stabbed each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would they do that, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): There’s a lot of reasons why people might stab Falx. He is annoying—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, no-no-no, I wasn’t asking about that part. That part made sense. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): A love triangle.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can start rumors.

LILIT (as Xianna): We start a rumor that they are all in a love triangle, and like a real love triangle, not a bullshit one where it’s really a V, like they are all actually in love with each other all three ways which makes a real triangle.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hate it when it is two people in love with the same person. That is a V shape!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup, not a triangle.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, that letter V that is in Aurebesh.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it can be a Y.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is four people, and three of them are all in love with one person.

CAMERON (as Karma): The Y is what happens when you have three people in love and then the one on the bottom of the Y is gonna be the one that gets chosen.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, one person.

CAMERON (as Karma): Because there’s gonna be some bullshit reason why the top two can’t be the chosen one, like they’re gonna do something dumb and there’s gonna be a dumb reason the author uses for why they can’t love them anymore.

NICK (as Ziller): Oh, it’s like when there’s the Shistavanen and they’re really the good person, but then they decide to go with the strange creature that’s immortal instead?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is correct. But yes, so we would just make it look like it was a real full triangle and they were all in love with each other, and then Falx did something stupid. We don’t really need to figure out why Endo and Jeyb stabbed each other. We can just make it up.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t like the idea of fighting them all at once, because I saw how Jeyb and Endo were in that volleyball game, and I think the three of us versus one of them is gonna be a better idea than trying to fight both at the same time.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well we don’t have to kill all of them at the same time, so we stab Falx, and then we invite Endo into the room and we stab Endo, and then we invite Big Jeyb into the room and we stab Big Jeyb. We do it one at a time!

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t feel the need to kill Falx. I don’t…

NICK (as Ziller): This is a great plan, brother. Can I just suggest that we kill Jeyb first and then we can kill other people after that?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh yes, get the worst one out of the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, see, I really wanna kill Endo first.

NICK (as Ziller): I could accept killing Endo and then Jeyb, and then we’ll figure out the whole Falx thing a little later.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m feeling rather murderous, and this is kind of weird for me, but I really want Endo’s weapon before I try to fight Big Jeyb.

NICK (as Ziller): Oh, that’s a good point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Because that sounded and looked really powerful when he stabbed Tink. Also, Tink, how are you doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [groans] Uh… leg no work. Um, pain, and suffering?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

NICK (as Ziller): Well, the good news, brother, is it looks like your leg cauterized, so that’s nice. You’re not bleeding everywhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): At least it didn’t hit the carotene vein.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s…

LILIT (as Xianna): Where do you think… I don’t—I don’t even understand what that is about.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] Whatever.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s by my juggler vein.


LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think that is a thing either, but—

HUDSON (as Tink): The jugular?

LILIT (as Xianna): You said juggler.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, the juggler.

CAMERON (as Karma): No… the jugular?

HUDSON (as Tink): Juggler.

CAMERON (as Karma): … No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe you should just go to the infirmary.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why would I want to light anything on fire right now?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe you should go to the clinic, where the doctors live.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear to god, I will hurt you even more than you already are. You know what I mean. The infirmary.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh, yeah, okay, where you go to get better.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a little out of it, but I would say… yes, I can make it, I think.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s probably a good idea to heal up prior to trying to attack anyone else.

NICK (as Ziller): Um… About that, uh… What if we were on some sort of, like, time commitment to do something like that and it needed to happen tonight?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well I would say that it’s very silly to make a time commitment right after a murder volleyball game.

NICK (as Ziller): Maybe we didn’t make the time commitment, but maybe Tink already promised some very powerful people that Jeyb was going to die tonight and that Tink needs to be involved.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you implying that Falx is a powerful person?

NICK (as Ziller): Tink, you told them?!

HUDSON (as Tink): What? I’ve said that Falx is a power top, but that’s my opinion.


LILIT (as Xianna): Really? Are you sure about that? Because I just… I’m not getting that same vibe.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s speculation on my part.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I mean I guess you can’t for certain tell just by looking at someone, because it’s like very personal information, and you know, you can’t just look at a person and tell those things.

HUDSON (as Tink): Very true. Very true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because that is just stereotyping… but I’m just not getting those same vibes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. Well, either way, yeah I might have told them.

NICK (as Ziller): [disappointed] Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am not sure who was told what information at this point and what information was told to these people, I just feel like whatever was told to whichever people it was incorrect.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ziller, I don’t think you can blame Tink for telling us that Falx is here, because we’re all great friends and we go way back.

NICK: As you are having this conversation, the six of you are pretty much the stragglers heading back to the cell blocks. You are being tracked by these large stun laser cannons. Tadzi and Blue are looking uncomfortable. Ziller is talking animatedly.

NICK (as Ziller): Well, if it’s all on the table, we need to kill Jeyb or Falx is going to make us disappear.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so Jeyb wants us to kill Falx, which is why I suggest we just kill all of them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well now that makes more sense.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is what I’m saying. If they are all dead, no one can be mad at us.

NICK: [smiling] And I think that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 8 The Ball Slappers Strike it Home

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 8:
The Ball Slappers Strike it Home

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We don’t have very much to talk about this week, but I do want to take a second to thank all of you for your continued support. Your podcast reviews and Patreon support help us to keep going and grow the show, and each one of them is so, so appreciated. Thank you all for being with us on this adventure.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2 Episode 8. I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s a beautiful… day.

CAMERON: [laughs sarcastically]

HUDSON: Nah, it’s hot.

NICK: It’s a hot ass day.

LILIT: That is a lie.

NICK: I mean, the sun is out. That’s nice, right?

HUDSON: I like it to be dreary.

CAMERON: [giggles] All I can think of is “Good morning! It’s a beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are singing. The tank is clean. [gasps] The tank is clean!”


NICK: I was not expecting Finding Nemo to come up.

CAMERON: Me neither! But that’s where my brain went when you started talking about the weather.

NICK: Great. Well, everybody, let’s go around the table, introduce yourself and say who you’re playing today starting with Nemo. … And by that I mean Cameron.

CAMERON: I don’t think I’d be Nemo.

NICK: Oh, you’d definitely not be Nemo.

CAMERON: Okay. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and…

NICK: And up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Fantastic. Before we get into things, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: I got two light side.

LILIT: I got two light side.

HUDSON: I got a dark side.

CAMERON: Hey-hey.

NICK: So we got four light side and one dark side?

CAMERON: Indeed.

NICK: Okay. When we last left off you had managed to assemble a crack team of volleyball experts for your prison yard gamble to try to secure materials for a riot and subsequent breakout. We last saw you as you took the court… net?

CAMERON: We took to the sand!

NICK: As you took to the sand for some volleyball out on the prison yard. HK is your referee. The ball is torn and old and worn and maybe has a little bit of metal peeking through parts of the skin. We see Tink and Xianna and Karma and Blue and Ziller and Tadzi’texa all lined up on one side, and you walk to the net to shake hands with the opposing team, and… who’s the opposing team? Y’all got any ideas? Like, I could make one, but just curious if we want anybody specific to show up. I was gonna make Ziller be one of the opposing teams, but y’all recruited him, so…

HUDSON: This is the first in a tournament, right?

NICK: Yeah. You’ve got three or four rounds that you’re gonna have to do.

HUDSON: Okay. So for this team, can it be a group of elderly prisoners?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: And then they can be called the Pecan Sandys, because they’re sand.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That is very good. Also, Filbert is definitely on that team.

HUDSON: [laughing] Filbert’s on the pecan Sandys?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: How old is Filbert?!

NICK: Like a bajillion years old.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Filbert’s a Yoda.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Oh, that’s right, that’s right. Okay, I forgot that.

CAMERON: They either come in baby or in old.

NICK: There’s no middle ground.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Is Filbert like middle-aged?

NICK: I think he’s like reasonably old. It’s hard to tell. He has white hair.

LILIT: So maybe like 700.

NICK: Yeah, somewhere in there.

LILIT: Because Yoda’s like “peace out, I’mma die” old.

NICK: Yeah, and he’s not that old, but he’s not a young whipper-snapper by any means.

[quirky and jaunty music begins]

HUDSON: So the team walks out, and it’s fucking hot outside, right?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Okay, and they’re wearing leather jackets for some reason, and like dark shades to look cool.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I particularly like the look of the prison jumpsuit with a leather jacket over it.

NICK: Yeah, it’s not a bad look actually. So they come out and it’s all much older prisoners. You see a lot of wrinkles. You see a lot of gray hair. Leading the way is Filbert at his great height of 1 meter tall, and he pulls his sunglasses off and tosses his leather coat.

CAMERON: His sunglasses?

NICK: Yeah, he’s wearing sunglasses.

HUDSON: Yeah, they’re all wearing sunglasses.

CAMERON: God, they’re so cool!

NICK: Yeah, and tosses his sunglasses and coat out of the court.

NICK (as Filbert): Oh well hey! Looks like we’re gonna be playing some volleyball together. That’s a lot of fun.

NICK: Each of you needs to describe one of the other elderly prisoner volleyball players. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

[quirky music ends]

CAMERON: I think one of them has to be a Herglic, because we’ve established that there’s a weirdly high percentage of Herglics in this prison. It’s a humpback whale Herglic.

NICK: Wow, that’s what I was gonna say.

CAMERON: Ha! Because they look old, right?

NICK: Yeah!

CAMERON: See! We should get married~

NICK: [smiling] Okay.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: I do!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: One of them is a Tusken Raider with a hunchback, and they grumble to themselves and move closer and try to stare people down, but they’re wearing sunglasses so it doesn’t really work because no one really catches eye contact because you can’t catch eye contact with sunglasses.

NICK: Well and they’re wearing sunglasses over their goggles that they have.

HUDSON: Yes they are.


NICK: Great. Lilit, do you have anyone you would like to add to the volleyball team?

LILIT: There is a very old Human lady that has bright purple hair and is just covered in tattoos.

NICK: Cool!

HUDSON: My idea was one of them would walk up and have like a grimace on their face and start snapping their fingers in rhythm, but then someone would try to call their name and they wouldn’t hear them, and they’d be louder.

NICK: [splutters]

HUDSON: “Jezzy! Jezzy, stop that!” And he keeps snapping his fingers, trying to be really intimidating. It doesn’t work. Can’t hear him either.

NICK: It’s a Dug, so they’re snapping their feet fingers too, so it’s weird.



LILIT: Corellian-Side Story is next week!


CAMERON: Anyone who’s seen West Side Story knows that snapping as you approach the opposite gang is the most intimidating thing you can do.

NICK: And then the last one is just Burt Reynolds with a mustache chewing some gum looking a little confused. It’s just a Human with salt and pepper dark hair and a jumpsuit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys! Guys! That’s Burt Reynolds!

LILIT (as Xianna): Who?

CAMERON (as Karma): Who?

HUDSON (as Tink): Burt Reynolds, the holo actor.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know him.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s… In all those movies!

LILIT (as Xianna): Which ones?

CAMERON (as Karma): [smiling] Which ones?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well the only movies I’ve seen him in are all the Gator series.

NICK: You all approach the net to shake hands. While these prisoners seem older than you a few of them seem pretty tough, kind of the same look that Filbert has of somebody who’s been in the system a long time and knows how to get through it, and Burt Raynolds snaps his fingers and pops his gum and winks at y’all’s team and says:

NICK (as Burt): Meet the bayou’s baddest good old boy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! He said the thing! Y’all don’t know this? Really?!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh my god, he said the line! Ugh.

CAMERON (as Karma): I kinda missed what he said. I’m sorry. Can you repeat it for me?

HUDSON (as Tink): He said “I’m the gator’s baddest good old boy.” You know, the thing?

CAMERON (as Karma): The what?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I do not. Tink, nobody watches the weird movies you do.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t watch many movies at all, but that series was life changing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve just never heard of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): The Gator Trilogy? Ugh.

CAMERON (as Karma): What’s a gator?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you mean the Gators Trilogy? With the giant gators? You know, the first one is just Mega Gators, and then the second one is Gatornado.


LILIT (as Xianna): And then the third one, Gator VS Mothra.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is not what I’m talking about. That is a very different series I’m assuming.

NICK: HK has been watching you all as you shake hands under the net and walks to the center.

NICK (as HK): Alright, assume your positions. The game will begin momentarily. I definitely know the rules to volleyball.

NICK: We get the shot of your six person team huddling, and the camera angle is up looking up to you all, and you need to assign positions to everyone. Now, the thing about that is you need a Defensive Specialist who rolls Leadership, you need three Blockers who will be rolling Athletics, and you need two Setters who will be rolling Coordination. So who’s doing what?

LILIT: I should be rolling Agility.

NICK: Xianna is a Setter. Okay.

HUDSON: Oh, oh, okay. Yeah. So, I have Coordination. Can I do the other one?

NICK: You could, or you could do the Athletics, or you could do Leadership. Up to you.

HUDSON: Let’s not do Athletics or Leadership. Let’s do Coordination. [laughs] That’s a better chance.

NICK: Okay. Tink and Xianna are the Setters. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: I think I’m probably a Blocker.

NICK: Yeah, probably.

CAMERON: Because that’s Athletics, yeah?

NICK: Yeah, so that leaves you with Blue, Ziller and Tadzi, and they all just kinda look at the three of you because it’s your team. Where do you want them to go?

CAMERON: I think Blue’s a Blocker.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: For the other two I’m torn, because I feel like Ziller would be good for the Defensive Specialist because he was the leader of a gang, so surely he has some leadership skills.

HUDSON: That’s what I was thinking.

CAMERON: But I don’t know if Tadzi’s a good Blocker, and they did express concern about their health.

NICK: Y’all have to make a call.

HUDSON: I think Ziller should be lead.

CAMERON: Yeah. We can rotate around in between games too.

HUDSON: We’ll see how this one goes.

NICK: One might even say that would be a good idea, because the people up front might take some damage in this. Okay, so we see you all assigning positions. Tink and Xianna are Setters, Karma, Blue and Tadzi are Blockers, and Ziller is the Defensive Specialist.

NICK (as Ziller): Great. I’ll make sure we’re all in the right place, brothers.

NICK: And does two thumbs up and just can’t help but glare at Xianna and Karma a little bit, but then winks at Tink. So, here’s the other thing. Would anybody like to try to hurt somebody on the other team?

LILIT: Okay, so there is a question.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: If Xianna was going to crush up a bag of flaming hot Spunyuns and use that pocket sand style to throw into somebody’s eyes, would that be considered hurting someone?

NICK: Okay, so let’s do it this way. I’m gonna tell you how the rules work and then we’re gonna modify it for that. So, you basically have to pick how overt you wanna be on a scale from one to five. Five would be like you walk under the net and go stab someone, one being super subtle, and then that changes the difficulty of your attack roll. If you say I’m walking over to stab someone, it’s a simple check, like you’re absolutely gonna wreck their mess, but if you say it’s a one it’s super sneaky, you’re not gonna get caught most likely, but it’s gonna be a daunting check.


NICK: Then based on how sneaky you are that’s how difficult the Stealth check is, so it’s reversed, so like a five the Stealth check is daunting, a one, the Stealth check is simple, so it’s like you have to set the balance between the two. If you get caught on a Stealth check you can get sent to solitary if you’re killing somebody or made to sit out of the game if you’re getting caught. So like, if you get caught blowing painful powder in someone’s eyes they’ll probably take you out of the game. If you get taken out of the game you don’t get to roll dice to contribute to the pool.

CAMERON: Is five formidable?

NICK: Yeah, so it’s only four difficulty, it’s not five.

CAMERON: Oh okay.

NICK: That’s basically it. So anyway, jumping back into it, you would still have to do a set how subtle you were trying to be with it, but I would let you roll a Skulduggery check instead, and instead of doing damage, depending on how the Skulduggery check did, it would give black dice to the other teams roll, if you would like to do that.

LILIT: That is a thing I will like to do. Yes.

NICK: Cool, because the only way you’re gonna hurt people is Brawl or Melee, and that’s not gonna go well for you.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: [weakly] Yeah…

NICK: Okay. How subtle are you trying to be, one to five?

LILIT: Like a two.

NICK: Like a two?

LILIT: But, before this happens, Xianna goes up behind Tink and says…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Tink, block me for a second.

LILIT: …and hunches behind Tink, and one, just whacks a spot on the jumpsuit and you hear the pop of the bag…


LILIT: …and has now crushed up those Funyuns, and then two, reaches deep into the jumpsuit and pulls out a small bag of impact, because I think she has like one bag left.

NICK: Okay. Now Lilit, before you do impact, this is a three or four round tournament. If you do it in round one you’re gonna be out…


NICK: …and you’ll be jonesing by the time you get to the end of the tournament.

LILIT: Wait, do I have one bag or two bags?

NICK: You also promised to pay somebody some impact earlier, so that could be a problem.

LILIT: Yeah, okay. So I’m gonna save that bag.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: But yeah, so anyways, she smacks the bag, crushing it up, and gets some in her hand. Do these jumpsuits have pockets?

NICK: Yeah.


LILIT: Puts her hand holding this crushed up Funyun, flaming hot Spunyun dust, and is like holding that in her pocket, and will casually walk up to one of the people and try to fling it in their eyes but in a way where it just kind of looks like she’s moving her hand up to then go itch her head or a lekku.

NICK: Okay. Make me an easy Stealth check. It feels kind of silly to even ask that from you, but that’s okay.

LILIT: Yes. Two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay, so you’re good there. You wanna use the advantages to give you some blue dice on your Skulduggery check?


NICK: Cool, so your Skulduggery is going to be hard.

LILIT: A triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. Do you wanna use your triumph that you mess up someone’s eyes so much that they’re basically out of the game? Like, that’s a crit, so you could do that if you want.

LILIT: You know, yeah. The powder gets in their eyes and irritates it enough that their eyes are too watery and sore to really see much of anything, and they’re pretty much not gonna be able to be of any use in the game.

NICK: Cool. Who did you attack with this?

LILIT: Oh, yeah… Well probably someone that would have been standing towards the front.

CAMERON: [giggling] Take Filbert out of the game.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: The only named character on the other team besides Burt Reynolds.

HUDSON: No-no, Jezzy.

LILIT: Oh! Filbert would actually be one of the easier ones to take out, because he’s so short. He would have been really easy, because you barely have to take your  hand out of your pocket. She can just do a quick little hand motion and then be like yep, not doing anything, and walk away.

NICK: Yeah. You’re standing at the net getting ready to start—most of these checks will happen throughout the game, but this one you do right at the beginning—and you just dump a bunch of flaming hot Spunyun dust into Filbert’s eyes as he sets up in the middle, and he goes…

NICK (as Filbert): AGH! [stammers] My eyes!

NICK: …and just starts walking off of the court, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): The game will commence shortly. Please return to your position.

NICK (as Filbert): Quiet there, tin man. I can’t see.

NICK: And sits down in the dust rubbing at his face and is like crying pink and it’s not good.

LILIT: Xianna has the rest of the bag and is lifting it up to pour all the rest of the dust in her mouth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Filbert! Did something happen to your eyes? Such a tragedy. Oh no…

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma turns to Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, sometimes I understand why people shoot her.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I can see it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma or Tink, do you try to do any violence?

HUDSON: I get this serious look on my face and I turn to Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna hurt these people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good!

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey Jezzy! You old bastard, you suck!

HUDSON: And I try to hurt their feelings.

NICK: So instead of doing violence I’ll let you do psychological attacks, I guess. Roll… Coercion?

LILIT: Leadership!


NICK: I think it’s Coercion.

HUDSON: If it’s Coercion this will be the worst roll ever. What’s the difficulty?

LILIT: Yeah, that’s the only thing I can think of.

CAMERON: Piloting: Planetary?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Average.

LILIT: A reverse Charm.

HUDSON: So we’re going one green die versus two purple, everybody. [laughs]

CAMERON: [gasping laugh]

NICK: You wanna flip a light side point?

HUDSON: No, because I kinda wanna know what happens. So if this doesn’t work does it hurt me? Is that what’s going on?

NICK: No. This person’s gonna probably try to hurt you.

HUDSON: Oh, okay. No light side. I’ll roll the dice. Okay, a success and two threats.


NICK: Oh, interesting. You see the Dug who had been snapping at the net earlier brush a tear away from their face and grimace at you, and they seem a little distracted by your hurtful words. Then, you also notice them pull a shiv out of their jumpsuit, check the blade, and put it back.


NICK: Hmm, I wonder what that’ll do. Karma, do you have any violence that you would like to inflict or are you just gonna play volleyball?

CAMERON: I actually have an important question about my character sheet before we start this thing where I could get stabbed. I think I got hit earlier when I fought with Ziller.

NICK: Yep, you sure did.

CAMERON: Are those wounds gone? Because it’s been over four days. I just had 2 wounds.

NICK: Let’s say over four days, yeah, you’re back to full health. That’s fine.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool, that seemed important. I don’t think I’m going to attack at the moment, but I take a defensive stance. If anyone comes after me with any weapon I’m going to try to take the weapon.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Because I will be far more efficient with a blade.

NICK: Okay, we’ll see how that goes. Alright, so everybody roll your checks, please, but you do get two blue dice, because Ziller’s actually very good at strategy.

CAMERON: Huzzah. Karma has two successes and two advantages.

HUDSON: I ended up with a success and four advantages, but I had four failures that got cancelled.


NICK: Wow.

LILIT: Six successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wowza. Hold for math.

HUDSON: [hums Final Jeopardy tune]

LILIT: [hums elevator music]

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON: [joins Lilit in humming elevator music]

LILIT: [continues elevator music]

HUDSON: [hums Mii Channel tune]

[everyone contributes parts to the Mii Channel tune, laughing throughout]

NICK: Cameron, can you roll me a yellow and two greens at hard difficulty, please?

CAMERON: Sure. Two successes.

NICK: Two successes. Tink, you take 8 damage as the Dug that you {ascended} earlier stabs you in the stomach.

[beach party music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof!

NICK: And also roll me two yellows and a green? Versus hard difficulty.

CAMERON: [snickers] Two successes with five threats.

NICK: Five threats?!

CAMERON: All of the purples came up threats.

NICK: Okay. So through the course of the game, Burt Raynolds manages to throw several elbows into Tadzi, and they do not enjoy that very much. They take a certain amount of damage, and you can see one of their eyes swelling up, but towards the end Burt turns around to celebrate with his team and Tadzi kicks him in the back of the leg and he falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise]

But the game is kind of a blow-out. Y’all destroy them pretty handily, especially Xianna is just everywhere, all over the net, in the background, just anything that gets hit towards them Xianna is there to knock it back up and is able to set Karma and Blue up for some really just stunning spikes. You all dominate. You’re able to finish it in two sets. They don’t really have a lot of chance to do anything back. You win the game, and HK has you all come to the net to shake hands.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good game. Good game.

NICK (as ???): Good game. Good game.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good game. Good game.

NICK: Tadzi looks like they’re thinking about stabbing Burt, and Blue puts a massive hand on their shoulder.

[beach party music ends]

NICK (as Blue): Not now.

NICK: Tadzi nods determinedly, and Burt looks slightly nervous. Filbert is still sitting on the sidelines rubbing at his eyes because he can’t really see.

NICK (as Filbert): Now all I seem to be able to see is a big light and some shadow.

NICK: And then the Pecan Sandys are defeated by the Ball Slappers and are led off of the court.

HUDSON: I yell at Burt from a distance.

HUDSON (as Tink): Burt! Burt, I loved you in Gator!

NICK: He winks at you and does finger guns.

NICK (as Burt): You get it, because uh… it’s a big hat. It’s funny, because it’s big.

NICK: And then walks away.


LILIT: Xianna’s just sitting there like:

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I am more confused than when we started.

CAMERON (as Karma): What’s happening?

NICK: So, the next game is against two other teams. You’re able to go sit in the shade for a little bit. You’re all kinda sweaty. Tink, you’re bleeding a little bit from where you got sliced. It’s not a deep cut, but it opened you up. You have a little time to talk and strategize before your next game.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, out of the six of us, who is currently armed?

LILIT (as Xianna): I just have bags of Spunyuns.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which are very dangerous.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have three shivs.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have three shivs?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I have three shivs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did you not pass those out?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, Ziller gave them to me.

NICK (as Ziller): Where did you get shivs? I didn’t have any shivs, brother.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] Wait, was this a dream? Who gave me shivs?

NICK (as Ziller): Show us the shivs.

HUDSON: I pull out straws.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Ziller): I can see why you would be confused, brother, because they’re long, straight and dangerous, but that’s a straw.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you could use them to poke somebody in the eye.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, does it still count as a melee weapon though?

NICK (as Ziller): I think, definitely, that would not count as a melee weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Dang!


HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry y’all, I hope this wasn’t too disappointing, but if we get celebration drinks later I’m ready.

NICK (as Tadzi): I have like three or four shivs. Do you need one?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes please~

NICK: Tadzi pulls their jumpsuit open a little and just starts pulling out—it looks like a sharpened CD-ROM, and a vibro-spoon with the handle sharpened down to a spike, and just a straight icepick.

NICK (as Tadzi): Take your pick.

CAMERON (as Karma): I want the icepick.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright. That’s a good one. Don’t get it confiscated. I  had to do a lot to get that.

CAMERON (as Karma): I won’t, hopefully.

NICK: And they spin the icepick on their fingers and hand it to you hilt-first.

CAMERON: Huzzah. I put it into my jumpsuit.

NICK (as Ziller): So that went pretty good, but Xianna, I think you were moving a little too much. Remember, this is a marathon not a sprint.

NICK (as Blue): Also, if I could get the ball more I’d really like to work on giving people concussions with my attacks. I think that’s very important.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! That is a good plan. Not the me having less energy part, don’t worry about that, but giving you the ball to give people concussions, very fun, in like a terrible long-term damage kind of way.

NICK (as Ziller): Tink, I noticed that you did exactly as well as we thought you might, and I appreciate you. I think maybe after this we should go try to meet up with Big Jeyb for no reason. Maybe you’ll have interested him with your athletic prowess.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah, that’s actually—yeah, Big Jeyb told me he wanted to hear about the game after it was done, and he even taught me a move, the Pick and Roll.

NICK (as Tadzi): When did you meet Big Jeyb?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… Uh… The other day.

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh okay, that makes a lot of sense. Well, hopefully you do know Big Jeyb, because if you claim that you do and you don’t, those type of people tend to end up ventilated in the back room of the kitchen.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, me and Jeyb, you know, we, we uh… we’re acquaintances at least.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as Tadzi): Okay. I’m sure that’ll be fine.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: We pan away from the bleachers in the shade where you all are sitting and binding your wounds, and we see another volleyball game going on. One of the Blockers falls to one knee from some inexplicable wound that has appeared in their side, and one of the teams is defeated as they slowly run out of players and the two remaining players aren’t able to get to the ball fast enough. HK calls you all over, and it is time for the second game.

NICK (as HK): Welcome to the quarterfinals. Congratulations.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): Or no, these would be the semifinals, because there’s only one more game after this. Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): I trust you, HK. It’s whatever you want it to be.

NICK (as HK): And I already ate all the Spunyuns… so it doesn’t really matter.

CAMERON: Karma looks confused.

NICK (as HK): Because I’m a droid, that would be confusing, wouldn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed.

NICK (as HK): Welcome to the semifinals.


NICK (as HK): Congratulations on making it. Your performance awarded you a bye game because we had an uneven number of teams. Please take your positions for the next round.

NICK: You all turn away from HK to see the other team. What do we want this team to be?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! We had a bye game. Do you think other people got straight games?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah! I see what you did there.


LILIT (as Xianna): I hope our next one is a gay game.

HUDSON (as Tink): A gay game?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it’s already in the name.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are right. Anyways.

LILIT: This team…

NICK: Yeah, what do we want?

LILIT: They have to have a theme.

NICK: Obviously.

LILIT: It is a team of Chadra-Fans.

NICK: [chuckling] Oh no.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT: I think that’s funny.

HUDSON: What’s Chadra-Fan?

LILIT: Little bat people.

NICK: They’re Chadra-Fans, but it’s actually 12 Chadra-Fans and they’re standing on each other’s shoulders.

CAMERON: They’re Chadra-Friends.

NICK: Chadra-Friends! That’s the name of the team!



NICK (as HK): Thank you for coming, Chadra-Friends, the reigning champions of the north cell block.

LILIT: Okay, but important question.

NICK: Yeah?

LILIT: Are they obviously two Chadra-Fans standing on top of each other in separate jumpsuits or did they get big jumpsuits to hide the fact that it is two different Chadra-Fans per unit?

NICK: So I was picturing they’re just standing on each other’s shoulders. I don’t know where they would have got big jumpsuits, but we could do that bit if you wanna do that bit.

LILIT: Laundry.

NICK: Yeah. Maybe they all work in the laundry. Okay. You see six abnormally tall Chadra-Fans.

LILIT: [chuckles]

NICK: And you hear what sounds like a twelve-voice squeaking chorus say…

NICK (as Chadra-Fans): We’re gonna win!

NICK: …and they twitch their little noses at you. We get another scene of you all huddling up preparing for the game. How do you assign positioning? Same?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we should do same this game then switch it up next round based on more evidence.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I see no reason to switch things up.

CAMERON: How is Tadzi looking?

NICK: Tadzi doesn’t look great. They grimace and say:

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, I can take front line again if you want. As long as nobody goes after me too hard I should be able to make it.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we switch you with somebody else and you can go into the back, just in case you get stabbed again.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, I would rather not get punched anymore, I’m kind of seeing double here, but it’s up to you.

CAMERON: Yeah. I think the person to switch out would be Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Put me in, coach!

CAMERON: Because you’re far more brawny than Xianna for the Athletics check.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are already in. We are just moving you around.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, put me in, inner. Put me in deeper.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re putting you in front.

HUDSON (as Tink): There we go. That’s what I was looking for.

CAMERON (as Karma): There you go.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just said inner, like in more.


CAMERON: More in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK: All the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): You are also now the middle person in the front. There you go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

NICK: Great. Is anybody trying to cheat or be violent?

CAMERON: Probably, now that I have a weapon, yes.

NICK: Okay. How overt are you being?

HUDSON: I think it’s pronounced “oveh.”

NICK: [chuckles] Thank you, Hudson.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: I’m being a good sneaky, like a, like…

HUDSON: Do decimals to make the math harder. Three and a half.

CAMERON: Like a three and a half sneaky. Um, a four would be hard difficulty, right?

NICK: So you wanna do a two.


NICK: Which would make it a hard Stealth check.

CAMERON: Cool. Yes.

NICK: But would make your attack be easy.

CAMERON: Yes, that. And I have 2 ranks of Stalker so I get two blue dice to my Stealth check.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: And then, are y’all cool if I flip one of the light side points to upgrade?

LILIT: Sure.


CAMERON: I will do that. Fascinating… So, five advantages and a triumph.

NICK: But no success?

CAMERON: But no success! [laughs] The failures and successes completely evened out.

NICK: So, with that, you’re gonna get seen by HK. Would you like to spend the triumph that he just decides not to remove you or anything?


NICK: And then do you want to have the advantages be blue dice added to other people on the team to do stuff? Does that work for you?

CAMERON: Yes. Yes.

NICK: Okay. So, you, throughout the course of the game, get close to other people and go to stab them, but you have the most dangerous weapon that you can probably get, so they keep taking dives out of the way and yelling really loud, and it makes HK look, and you were going to stab someone in the quad and you make eye contact with HK and he says…

NICK (as HK): Subtle Gesture: Wink.

NICK: …and your triumph means that you don’t get caught.

CAMERON: [laughs] I was gonna say, every time I make eye contact with HK I wink, so.

NICK: Yeah. HK just decides not to call that. So everyone on the other team is so focused on not getting stabbed by Karma, it should be stealthy because the knife is being very subtle, the icepick isn’t flashing in the light or anything, but Karma has also assumed a very obvious fighting stance rather than a volleyball stance, and that’s why the stealth has failed. Just, you look at her and go oh, she’s probably looking to fight someone, and Karma isn’t really looking at the ball that much.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So everybody else will have a blue die because of that advantage. You can either spend the blue die on your roll to play volleyball or on a violence roll if you wanted to be violent, either way. Xianna or Tink, do either of you want to be violent?

HUDSON: I’m saving my violence for the last game, I think.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I don’t think Xianna has anything more to be violent. She’s gonna play normal this time.

NICK: Wow. Okay. So the two of you will get two blue dice added to your other rolls. Tink, you’re rolling Athletics, Xianna, you are rolling…

LILIT: Coordination.

NICK: …Coordination, and Karma, you are rolling Athletics again. Oh yes, and you all have two additional blue dice because of Ziller’s defensive guidance.

HUDSON: Holy crap. The blue were all blank.

LILIT: All four of my blue dice came up blank!

NICK: Aww.

LILIT: It’s okay. That still leaves me with six successes and one advantage, so…

NICK: Geez.

CAMERON: Karma has three successes and three advantages.

HUDSON: Three successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wow! Y’all got good at volleyball.

HUDSON: I’ve been practicing, as I said.

CAMERON: We were using the think method.

NICK: [laughs] So, bad news for Karma.

[beach party music returns]

The brawniest of these supposedly double-height… as the game goes on they start to lose very early, again Xianna is all over the court setting it up, Karma is just idly twirling an icepick when no one’s looking and just making everyone nervous, they’re all looking at that, and the Chadra-Fan across from Karma just walks under the net and pulls out a length of chain and just swings it at her head. You were not expecting this. I need you to roll two yellow and a green at simple difficulty.

CAMERON: Simple is nothing?

NICK: No purple dice.

CAMERON: Can I Dodge in volleyball?

NICK: Yeah, you can Dodge.

CAMERON: Cool, I wanna Dodge.

NICK: So you can add one purple.

CAMERON: I can add one red.

NICK: Oh, because you can Dodge twice.

CAMERON: Because I can Dodge twice.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: One success, two advantages. So you take 7 damage as the chain smacks into the side of your head. It hurts, and the Chadra-Fan was not sneaky, and you hear HK make a whistle noise. HK doesn’t have a whistle, it just looks like he broadcasts a recording of a whistle noise, and he holds both hands up towards the sky pointing his little fingers and then points both the fingers at the Chadra-Fan who’s on your side of the net, and the entire rec yard falls quiet, and then the laser turrets in the guard towers make a whining noise, and then as if from four directions at once these massive turbo laser sized bullets smash into the Chadra-Fan that tried to attack you, and they collapse to the ground.

[beach party music ends]

You see as two guards come to drag them away to solitary that multiple Chadra-Fan fall out of the jumpsuit and are carried under the arms, and there were three of them in there.

CAMERON: [laughs] Because it was the buff one.

NICK: Yeah, because it was the buff one. The other Chadra-Fan try their best, but after that their motivation is mostly broken and they just aren’t able to keep up with the onslaught that you all do of just playing volleyball and having one person try to stab them.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: They just didn’t seem to be ready for that strategy. You win again quite handily, and the game is called. As the game ends the Chadra-Fan all pile out of jumpsuits, and you see that all of them were at least two Chadra-Fan in the jumpsuit and walk away dejectedly. The ones that were the head and arms are dragging the jumpsuits behind them like a big cape and look sad.


NICK (as HK): Congratulations. Wonderful job defeating the Chadra-Friends. They are a mighty opponent. We are most impressed. As members of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility we hope that this has raised morale. You will be qualifying for the finals. Let’s wait and see who that will be.

NICK: You go back over to the bleachers and you watch another game going on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oof.

CAMERON: Karma is stretching out whatever got hit with the chain.

NICK: Yeah, so it’s like the side of your head, so there’s like a raising welt in the pattern of the chain on the side of your head and towards two of your lekku.

CAMERON: Yeah. She’s separating out head tentacles to find the damaged ones and make sure they’re not touching each other so that they don’t sting.

NICK: Yeah, they got you pretty good.


NICK: They got you.

CAMERON: [laughing] They got me.

HUDSON: Is there one team that’s clearly gonna win for the game we’re watching?

NICK: Uh-huh.

HUDSON: Okay. The team that’s clearly going to win, near the end of it as the game ends or as the game is about to end, I sit up a little bit, like not stand up completely in the bleachers but sit up a little bit, and I point over to the opposite end of the rec yard and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] That person’s trying to escape! Look! Look!

HUDSON: And everyone should turn and look, and that’s when I throw a shiv at one of the best players on the team that’s about to win.

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh my gosh. You have no Ranged: Light!

HUDSON: [chuckling] I know.

NICK: You also don’t have a shiv!

HUDSON: Oh wait. I thought I did.

LILIT: You have a straw!


NICK: You could take one from Tadzi. Like, they will absolutely give you one if you explain what you’re going to do.

HUDSON: Alright. Alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): Tadzi, I need a shiv.

NICK (as Tadzi): Why? There’s no one over here.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a plan. I’m gonna hurt one of the players from the team that’s about to win so that we don’t have to be… It’ll be less suspicious this way. They won’t think it was someone from the audience doing it.

NICK (as Tadzi): Dope. What creative thinking. Here you go.

NICK: They hand you the one that’s the rounded CD-ROM that’s been sharpened.

NICK (as Tadzi): This one flies pretty well. Just be careful.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice.

NICK: So, make me a Deception check.

HUDSON: Oh thank goodness, I have something in that.

NICK: You’ve put a decent amount of points, because you keep trying to social engineer your hacker rolls.


NICK: This one’s going to be average, but flip me a dark side point.

HUDSON: Oh… One success.

NICK: Hey! Okay. Good for you.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: You stand up, and what do you yell to try to make everybody look the other direction?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey look! That Herglic’s trying to jump the fence!


NICK: Everyone turns, and the turrets turn, and you see a Herglic with a—Gosh, there’s so many Herglics here.

CAMERON: It’s weird.

NICK: You see a Herglic with the orca pattern just standing over within ten meters of the fence but clearly not, and the orca Herglic goes…

NICK (as Herglic): What…?

NICK: …and then a bunch of guards run and try to tackle them but just kinda slam into them and are just hanging off of the Herglic, and the Herglic shrugs, shedding guards, and says…

NICK (as Herglic): I’m just—Oh, okay.

NICK: …and lays down and puts their arms out so that they don’t get stunned by the giant scary lasers. In the time that’s happening and everyone’s looking at it, go ahead and make me a Ranged: Light check to throw this shiv.

LILIT: [chuckles]

HUDSON: Ha! Alright. What’s the difficulty?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Probably hard? Because you’re at long range? You’re not that close, unless you wanna like run forward and be closer, but that means they’re more likely to know it was you.

HUDSON: Nah. No, I’ll just do it this way.

CAMERON: Do you wanna flip a light side point? We have four.

HUDSON: You know what, I will flip a light side point though. Yeah.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: [laughing] That would be good.

HUDSON: So I turn one of the greens to a yellow with that, right?


NICK: Mm-hmm.

HUDSON: Three successes, four threats.

CAMERON: [laughs] You did it.

NICK: Good for you!

HUDSON: [laughs]


LILIT: Very nice.

HUDSON: “First of all, good for you!

NICK: Yeah.


NICK: Second of all, you’ve been looking into the sun, it’s kind of hard to tell what this team is, but there’s one team that’s clearly working very carefully and they’re organized and they all seem to be set up to funnel the ball to a really big figure that’s silhouetted.

[heavy techno music begins]

You throw this blade, and as you do you slip out of the bleachers and fall on your side, and you fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise]

You see this thing just hurl straight towards one of the silhouettes. There was a smaller figure, not the one that everyone was funneling hits to but somebody that you identified was working as a Setter and was just like lightning. It was like watching Xianna play. They were just everywhere. They were quick, they were fast, and you figure if that person’s out the rest of that team will probably not be as successful.

This thing flies and hits the shadow. We see the sun which is starting to get towards later afternoon now glint off of it with a spark, and there’s a wet thunk as it sinks in between the shoulder blades of this person. As that happens there’s this moment of silence… and the sun dips below the walls, and the silhouettes go away, and you see that this team is actually one that you’ve heard of before. It’s Whale of a Tail.


NICK: It’s Big Jeyb’s team.



NICK: And you appear to have just thrown a shiv into Endo…


NICK: …who is the Tognath second in command of Big Jeyb’s team. You see Endo, this insectoid mammalian creature with coin-looking eyes and just a really discomforting face slowly turn around. I don’t know if you’ve seen Endo yet, but you can feel the murder rising off of them.

[heavy techno music ends]

He reaches into his back, pulls out the shiv, and it’s glistening with green almost-glowing blood in the, now, shade. HK looks at Endo and says:

NICK (as HK): Penalty. You are holding a weapon. You will be removed from the remainder of this game.

NICK: Endo looks at HK and says…

NICK (as Endo): Good. I need to bind my wounds.

CAMERON: [as a chuckle] Ugh.

NICK: …and just starts walking off of the court dripping green blood behind him. You see him slot the shiv into the weird mouth mask that he’s wearing, and when he pulls it out it’s clean, and he just points a finger at you, Tink, where you’re lying next to the bleachers.

NICK (as Endo): I’m gonna remember this.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode. [chuckles]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Yikes. [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards like extra bonus episodes and additional hangouts and movie nights with the squad.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 7:
Baby Ghost

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We wanna take a moment to thank everyone who turned out for Tabletop Squad Con this year. We had a blast, and it sounds like everyone else did too. Thank you so much for attending the various panels and hangouts. The recordings of all the public events are up on our Twitch page at and will be moved to our YouTube channel as well in the coming weeks. It was really a great experience. Thanks everyone.

We have a new iTunes review this week. BeatsFoDays, thank you for leaving us a five-star review and your kind words about the show. We also have a new patron. Kole Ceridwen, thank you so much for helping us to keep in the skies. Tink keeps handing us these complicated ciphers to solve. They’re either the secret to a hidden treasure or they’re where he last put the popsicles. Do you mind taking a look at them and trying to get to the bottom of it?

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 7. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back to this glorious fun-times adventure. Let’s everybody go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you are playing today, and if you spent any experience from the last time that we played go ahead and say what you spent that on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I will be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh, we haven’t done that bit in a while.


HUDSON: Ah-ha! Cha-cha-cha-cha.

LILIT: I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I did not spend any points because I am saving them for something special.

NICK: Something special. Of course, something special being the box on the talent tree that says once per game you can pull a magic wand out of your pocket that knows prestidigitation.

LILIT: Yes, or maybe a new talent tree.

NICK: Ah, that can’t be it. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m James Earl Jones, and I’m playing a velociraptor.


HUDSON: I’m Tink, and I’m playing a Gigoran slicer, and I have—

CAMERON: I’m Tink, and I’m playing Hudson.

HUDSON: [laughs] Oh wait! I messed up that one. Alright, hold on. Who am I? I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Oh gosh. It’s fun, because the first one was on purpose and the second one wasn’t.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: It wasn’t.

NICK: Great. Did you spend any experience, James Earl Jones?

HUDSON: No dog, that’s a no from me.

NICK: Okay great. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some experience points.

NICK: Interesting!

CAMERON: I know~ I bought the Toughened talent on my marauder tree to get 2 additional things added to my wound threshold.

NICK: Oh wow, so you’re getting pretty toughened, huh?

CAMERON: Yes. It felt important and useful.

NICK: Interesting. Well great. Good job. Now, before we get into the actual game, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

HUDSON: [like a ghost] Woo~

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh shit, I just threw my dice across my desk.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Into the dice tray. One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

NICK: Agh…

CAMERON: Yay Lilit.

NICK: I was so excited. So we have two light side, two dark side?


NICK: Wonderful. So, we’ll go ahead and jump into it.

[heavy techno music begins]

We open on the tumbling of dice as Tink throws the chance cubes in this defining game of Rancor Roundup. How the dice fall will determine if the crew will be able to scrape together the entry fee for the volleyball tournament for the main prize of some hooch to potentially be used for Mandalore cocktails to start a riot to break your employer out of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. [inhales] My, what a tangled web we weave.

Tink, this version of gambling is a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty. We see the dice freeze in the air as we zoom out on this open field where you all are playing. Did you do anything, Hudson, to prepare for this roll? Did you try to cheat or learn the rules or anything in like the 30 seconds?

HUDSON: I didn’t try to learn the rules, however I did blow on the dice, wink both my eyes, and that’s all I did.

NICK: Roll me a Force die, please, for appealing to luck.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Two light side. Go ahead and add two blue dice to your Skulduggery check.

HUDSON: [gasps] Yay.


NICK: Don’t roll that yet. Xianna, you already know this game and you’re an old hand at it. You already know from previous times that this is a game that’s fairly easy to cheat at or rig. Did you do anything to try to help Tink in this situation?

LILIT: Oh yes, I definitely tried to do some setup to help him win.

[techno music ends]

NICK: And what would that consist of?


HUDSON: You greased the dice.


LILIT: Maybe greasing the dice on one side that is the opposite side of what should land upwards, because maybe that side will be more sticky and more likely to stick to the ground so it won’t roll as far.

NICK: Gross. Okay.


LILIT: I don’t think this would work in real life, but maybe in Star Wars.

NICK: It’s special magic grease. Whatever. Xianna, you have grease from somewhere.

LILIT: It’s grease from inside the Funyun bag. They’re fried. They’re greasy.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Okay. it’s Spunyun grease is the way you rig the dice. Make me a Skulduggery check. This one’s gonna be hard, with three black dice, because you’re doing this with no time, with improvised tools, while an entire group of people are watching you.

LILIT: Okay, but I do have Convincing Demeanor, so I can remove one of the black dice.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I have one success and one advantage.

NICK: Dagnabbit. Okay.


NICK: You’re really good at Skulduggery is the thing. Alright, so with a success and an advantage I’ll give two more blue dice to Tink’s gambling roll.


NICK: You’ll have four total.

HUDSON: Heh, I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and an advantage.

CAMERON: Holy shit.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: I Kamehameha and blow them away.

NICK: So the thing is you don’t just win, something highly improbable happens that’s a big benefit to you. So, the way that you bet was going to get you enough money and Spunyuns to be able to enter this tournament. You are gonna be able to take that, deposit it, and be ready to go for this volleyball thing the next day. What else do you want to happen there?

HUDSON: Could I have put my bet down and somehow made some kind of indication that I wanted to do a Tatooine parlay and I didn’t know what that was, but I was like sure?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, you’ve done a Tatooine parlay. So, a Tatooine parlay is you bet not only on your own roll but that the person who is gonna roll after you was also going to have a certain outcome.


LILIT: You know what? It makes sense that a Tatooine parlay is that two people win, because they have two suns.



LILIT: So I guess you’re betting that you will win the game but someone else will tie with you for the win.

NICK: There we go.

HUDSON: Yes, which is an incredibly rare bet.


NICK: Yeah, like you had to get three identical rolls, and you did it by doing the right shoulder touch and then putting your bet in a certain spot, and then you weren’t thinking about it while they were getting set up but you drew a circle around your bet, and all of that means you did a Tatooine parlay.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: “Why’s everyone looking at me like I don’t know what I’m doing? I’m just throwing the dice. What’s the big deal?”

LILIT: [laughs]

NICK: And everyone’s like oh my gosh, what? Okay, okay…

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Why does Xianna want me to go second now?

CAMERON: Turned around, threw the dice over his shoulder to do the roll.

NICK: Yeah, but all that combines to… We fast forward back to you throwing the dice. Your bet is placed separately. Everyone is rolling their eyes at this new guy to the prison yard just basically making a called shot here. You throw the dice and they bounce and skid. There’s no roll, they just go [scratchy skidding noise] across, and they tumble once and then stick back to the same spot, and you get a blue and two reds which is not terrible odds but shows oh hey, you won the throw. Then, you’re getting ready to throw again, because everyone cheers, and they say no-no, you did a Tatooine parlay, now it’s the next person.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That Rodian from before comes up and grabs the dice, and rolls them, and sees that his hand is slightly sticky but doesn’t say anything. He just moves his bet to a different square. You can see he’s backing up the Tatooine parlay and throws and lands on two blues and a red, and everyone loses their minds.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: To the point where you can see the automated turrets in the guard towers all point towards you because they think that maybe a riot is going to happen. The Rodian quickly goes and picks up the dice and wipes them on his jumpsuit and then hands them to you, Tink.

NICK (as Rodian): Well, it seems like you’ve won. I’m not going to say how lucky you would need to be for that to happen, but you play a good game of Rancor Roundup.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, people think it’s luck but it’s actually all skill. That’s what you don’t understand.

NICK (as Rodian): No, I understand quite clearly the skill involved in this roll.


NICK: He turns and looks at Xianna who’s very obviously whistling and kicking the dust and not making eye contact with anyone. [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna does a little wave and her fingertips are bright red-orange from the flaming hot Spunyuns dust.

NICK: [laughs] Oh my gosh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): Should we go double-or-nothing?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Everything on the table!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, do not go double-or-nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now is not the time for that.

NICK: You say that and you see that a bunch of people are grumbling and throwing credits in the middle and you have eight bags of Spunyuns and 1,000 Credits.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Rodian): Actually, I think you should go double-or-nothing, Tink. You’ve got a hot hand.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no Tink, do not. You know me. Usually I would be all about telling you to make the double-or-nothing bet.

NICK (as Rodian): Xianna, you are not allowed to interrupt the gambler. I made the Tatooine parlay roll, and now the dice are back to Tink. He can choose to walk away, but look how much you’ve already won. Imagine double that, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa…

CAMERON: I think at this point Karma walks over.

CAMERON (as Karma): hey Tink, come here.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): If I have a hot hand, that means I need to cool it off, and if I need to cool it off… because if it’s too hot it’ll melt this scenario—yeah, no, I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna do it.

LILIT (as Xianna): We’re gonna cool—

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, Karma, you were attracted by the cheering and you walk up as this Rodian is trying to pressure Tink into doubling. He says no, no, I’m not going to do that, and you’re all standing there with the Rodian looking like there’s still a chance.

CAMERON: Karma gives a disapproving mom look to the Rodian.

NICK: Who doesn’t leave, but stops trying to peer pressure Tink, so Tink you have karma and Xianna and the Rodian all staring at you.

CAMERON: This isn’t the same Rodian that I threw a cutting board at, is it?

NICK: Yeah, it is.

CAMERON: Oh, it is?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Oh, intensify the mom look then. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. This is the one that tried to attack Tadzi because Tadzi cheated. He’s been very busy.

CAMERON: Cross arms. Very disappointed look.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): A hot hand, and hmm…

LILIT (as Xianna): No Tink, do not do it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to cool my hand.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The last time I did a double-or-nothing that is how I got one of my tattoos.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Doing double-or-nothing will lead you down a dark path, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): But sometimes you have to go through the dark path to get to the light.

CAMERON (as Karma): That didn’t get you two of your tattoos?

LILIT (as Xianna): You would think that.


LILIT (as Xianna): But…

HUDSON (as Tink): No, the other one just says double-or-nothing and it has nothing to do with a bet.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that is  not the one I am talking about.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I say you have to go through the dark path to get to the fun shit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not to the light. That is a different way.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re saying I should go double-or-nothing?

CAMERON (as Karma): But—No… no.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no-no-no, because we don’t need to do the fun shit right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is that your winnings, Tink?

CAMERON: Karma points to the pile of Spunyuns and credits.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so the Spunyuns will be mine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Let’s just go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Alright. I guess I’ll go. The thing is with this hot hand though, as long as I do this one trick…

HUDSON: And then I do the hand jive, and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): …I’m saving it for later.

NICK (as Rodian): Alright, well now that you’re ludicrously wealthy by our terms you are welcome back any time. Just do me a favor, don’t bring the purple one with you next time, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): No promises. You want this hot hand again, don’t you?

CAMERON (as Karma): That sounds inappropriate.

NICK (as Rodian): It does sound kind of inappropriate. I was trying to decide whether I was cool with that or not.


NICK (as Rodian): I think I am.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t call yourself that. Besides, I already have a friend who is in this prison whose nickname is Hot Hands.


LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t both have the same name. That’s not a thing that happens.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let me guess, they were trying to get a pie out of the oven and then they touched it without heating pads and now their hands were hot, and that’s why you call them Hot Hands?

LILIT (as Xianna): Not too far off, but…


LILIT (as Xianna): It was a meat pie.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which also had some fun connotations later on. They are also just good at gambling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so they just happen to be good at gambling on top of mishandling pies. Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, meat pies specifically.

NICK: So, you all are having this conversation standing over your winnings in a circle of gamblers who were all cheering but at this point are just staring at you with the distinct expression of kids waiting for you to get off the basketball court so that they can play.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Let’s take our winnings and get out of here.

LILIT: Xianna starts piling all of the Spunyun bags into the jumpsuit and briefly forgets that she does not have as many pockets as she is used to, and so she just has this big bulge, just stuffing them in her top, and it’s just bulging with Spunyun bags.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okie fine, we will leave now. I can see we are not wanted anymore.

NICK: And you all walk away from the group of gamblers who look a little disappointed. You now have more than enough credits and Spunyuns to enter the volleyball tournament if you so choose. You see HK coming out of one of the side buildings wiping his hands on the door and then walk back towards the fence, so he is available if you need to drop your entry fee off with him.

LILIT: Xianna goes up to him and starts handing him the three Spunyuns bags.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is a good idea of wiping your bloody hands on the door, because they will think a baby did the murder.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Because the handprints are so small. They will be like oh no, a baby got in here and murdered someone. We must find the baby!

NICK: Hey, uh, can you roll me a Ranged attack, Heavy, please, Cameron?

HUDSON: [laughs]


NICK: Two greens and two yellows.

[peaceful twinkling music begins]

LILIT (as Xianna): They will have to call in some sort of paranormal expert, because they will be convinced some sort of angry child ghost is here haunting the place.

NICK: [smiling] it’s an easy check, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade one of those.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Okay. Is HK aiming?

NICK: Yes, HK spends a maneuver to aim. HK is going to do Targeted Blow to add Agility damage to this hit.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are going to have to bring in those things that monitor the ESP waves or whatever to try to communicate to this baby ghost!


NICK: Add another blue die for Quick Strike because Xianna hasn’t gone yet.

LILIT: [tearful from laughing] Oh, I’m gonna Dodge.

NICK: Okay.


LILIT: Xianna knows what’s happening but she’s going on.

NICK: I’m also using Precise Aim so that I will take a point of strain to reduce the target’s Melee Defense by 1. You don’t have any, but I’m doing it anyway.

CAMERON: Okay. Oh no… Five successes, two advantages?

NICK: [laughs] Okay. Would you roll me a crit, please?

LILIT (as Xianna): Some douchebag in an Ed hardy shirt is going to have to run around this place trying to talk to this baby ghost.

CAMERON: Crit is a 54.

NICK: Plus two for Lethal Blow, so 74. What does 74 do?

LILIT (as Xianna): And any time the wind blows in a weird way he is going to think it is a sign from the ghost!

CAMERON: It’s a 74…

LILIT: Heh, 74 is Hamstrung: Lose free maneuver until end of encounter, so it does nothing!

NICK: So, how many successes did I have?


NICK: Five? So that’s 14 stun damage coming at you.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Does stun go through strain?


LILIT: That puts me at 15, so Xianna passes out.


LILIT (as Xianna): They are going to have to put a plaque on the wall about how this place is haunt—AHH!


NICK: So, Tink and karma who were a few steps behind Xianna, you hear this conversation.

[peaceful twinkling music ends]

You see HK cock his head. You see him pull his stun rifle up. You see him charge it. You see him aim. You see him push it through the chain link fence so that it’s resting on Xianna’s collarbone, and you see him wait… and then he just shoots in mid-sentence, and Xianna goes flying backward in a cloud of Spunyuns and credits and lands several meters away, just unconscious, just like a bag of loose {jorgan} fruit, just [makes thudding impact noises].

CAMERON: [laughs] What?!

LILIT: Like a small antique ragdoll that may or may not be haunted by a baby ghost.


CAMERON: Indeed.

NICK: So, the two of you walk up to that case as HK says…

NICK (as HK): Supposition: Really thought that would be more satisfying than it was.

NICK: …and puts his stun blaster back at his side.

CAMERON: Karma gives HK a look as she’s walking over to Xianna’s now prone [dramatic bass noise] body and starts gathering up the credits and stuff so they’re not just laying in a pile.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was that really necessary, HK? Like, I understand, from what I heard the tail end was pretty freaking insulting, but really?

NICK (as HK): Yes, I think it was necessary. I really do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK (as HK): I just wish I had gotten some more joy out of it. Oh, hi Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Oh, hi… Is she gonna be okay?

NICK (as HK): Maybe.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, alright.

NICK (as HK): What do you think about the size of my hands, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Oh wow, they’re great. You know, they’re just the right size, and you know, actually… with smaller hands you can fit them into tiny places and that’s very good, like if you have some change that falls down a little hole.

NICK (as HK): Are you saying my hands are small, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): No! I’m saying, they’re not small, they’re smaller than my hands is what I was saying.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: You hear the sound of a hard drive spinning and resetting, that clicky whir, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): Equivocation acknowledged.

HUDSON (as Tink): [heavy sigh of relief]

NICK (as HK): So are you all joining the tournament? Do you have the pay? I have the Spunyuns that Xianna handed me, but the credits appear to have flown outward in some sort of freak stun blast accident.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, strange that.

CAMERON: Karma walks back over to HK having picked up all of the credits and hands him the 600 that we need for the entry.

NICK (as HK): Wonderful. Thank you so much. I will add you to the team. Make sure you bring six combatants—I mean, six players for tomorrow, because if you don’t have a full team you’ll be at an extreme disadvantage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we need… Wait.

CAMERON (as Karma): We need to make three new friends. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, we need to make three new friends fast. Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey. Hey-hey-hey. We have each made at least one friend, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess. I mean, like, I’m friends with most people, but yeah, me and Ziller are buddies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh, okay. We can use him as bait if he joins the team, that’s fine, and maybe if we’re on the same team he won’t take a shot at me again. Uh… Blue seemed cool, I liked Blue, we can ask them. We could ask Tadzi.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if they’re already on a team, but they’re friends with Xianna, so… each of us having one friend, that does make six.

NICK: A coil of smoke rises from Xianna’s chest from where she is unconscious on the ground.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well maybe I’ll ask Tadzi. I did save her with a cutting board earlier.

NICK: The bell rings for you all to go back to your cells.

HUDSON (as Tink): Someone should pick her up, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I got her.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.


CAMERON: I’mma get Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): [dazed] They are going to have to put a note on our Yelp page for the prison that it is haunted…


LILIT (as Xianna): People are going to start requesting the more haunted cells so that they can see the baby ghost. Did somebody get my Spunyuns?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, we got your Spunyuns.

HUDSON (as Tink): We got your Spunyuns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you…

HUDSON (as Tink): You go sleep now.

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Okie.

NICK: As you walk back across the prison yard, and we see HK surreptitiously tuck the Spunyuns and credits into his chest cavity, but then they just fall to the ground because HK isn’t wearing clothes and he has to pick them up and them carry them back, and the audience sees HK walking into one of the guard shacks and saying…

NICK (as HK): You know, I feel like I have a lot of pent up aggression right now. … Hey, are you my next partner for patrol?! Come here for a second.

NICK: …and we cut away. So, we get a swipe cut to the next day of the south cell block being funneled into the mess hall for breakfast. People are waiting in line. We see different prisoners serving breakfast to other ones and the normal scramble for people to join tables. We see Tink and Xianna and karma standing there with their trays with some nice oatmealy slop sitting on them, standing and overlooking the cafeteria. Xianna, you have a raging headache and there is a scorch mark on your jumpsuit.

HUDSON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): How are you feeling, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): I do not feel great, but this is not the worst I have ever felt, so I think it was worth it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Gotta look on the positive side, I guess. Are you gonna be okay to play volleyball?

LILIT (as Xianna): When are we playing the volleyball?

CAMERON (as Karma): This afternoon.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you are not going to drink your caf, are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. I will drink my caf and Tink’s caf and I will steal some more caf from somebody else, and then I will be okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, sounds like a plan. Do we want to split up and go convince our new friends, or old friends in the case of Tadzi, to join this, uh, sure to succeed volleyball venture?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, we need a team name, because otherwise that’s gonna be the main reason people join is a cool team name.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ball Handlers.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ball Handlers…

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] The Spunyuns~

HUDSON (as Tink): [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think they have enough underscores and Xs in them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): What about Ball Slappers?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ball Slappers. Doable. I could do Ball Slappers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it is a good one.

HUDSON (as Tink): So we need to build off of our previous volleyball experience that one time we won the tournament. Y’all remember that? That was a good time.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): And what do you mean by build off of it?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, y’all have been practicing since then, right? Because I’ve been doing—

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Ever since then, before I go to bed, I do some jumping exercises like I’m gonna spike the ball. That’s the only exercise I do, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve kept working out but not specifically with the goal of volleyball success in mind.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I have been doing various things but none of them related to volleyball.

HUDSON (as Tink): Most times in your life you always need to be prepared for volleyball.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is that true though?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m pretty sure the only time I ever played volleyball was the time at the resort.

HUDSON (as Tink): But now you’re playing it a second time, so should have been more prepared.

CAMERON (as Karma): To be fair though, this one does sound a fair bit more like murder than volleyball.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! In that case, I have been practicing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do feel more prepared for that side of it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You have been practicing, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): And actually, oh, I didn’t even mention.

HUDSON: I pull out the rules, just scribbled down on paper.

CAMERON: Oh gosh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Here’s the rules as they were given to me.

HUDSON: And then there’s like a [makes a rewind noise] and it flashes back to someone explaining the rules to me that sounds like Nick.


NICK: The piece of paper is the title page to a volleyball rulebook that says “like this, but also violent,” is what the actual paper says.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: So, the rules for volleyball are as follows. You will have to assign each member of your team some responsibilities. A Defensive Specialist will roll Leadership which will give dice to the rest of the team. There are three Blockers who will roll Athletics so that they can contribute to the main score, and two Setters who will roll Agility. You will add all these successes up, and if it beats the number of the other team then you win. If they don’t, you lose.

Here’s the other thing, though. For each game, when you’re making that roll, you can also decide to be violent, and basically you have to balance how sneaky you want to be to be violent versus how much damage you want to be able to do. You can use weapons if you find weapons, or you can use your fists. The other team will also be trying to violent back at you, and that will be going against the Blockers, so if you’re a Blocker every game you might start running the risk of falling unconscious.

If you get caught being violent with just your fists you have to sit out the rest of the game and your roll won’t count. If you get caught being violent with weapons you get sent to solitary and you’re out of the tournament. Same goes to them. That’s pretty much it. We’ll talk about how to build your dice pool for violence and stuff when we’re actually playing, but basically you are playing volleyball but also fighting.


HUDSON (as Tink): So this is the rules. It’s just like what we were doing… but violence.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that’s kinda what it sounded like.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: So yeah, I think what y’all need to accomplish from breakfast is to recruit the other three team members.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, we have a team name. Are we prepared, Tink? Can we go get new players now?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… Do we need to practice on each other with the violence? No, we don’t need to practice violence.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No, I think that’s fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I’m going to go ask Tadzi. Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, I’mma go ask Blue.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okie. I’m gonna go ask Ziller.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Ready? Break!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ready, go!

HUDSON (as Tink): B-Break—Oh, you did it already. Okay, bre—Oh…

NICK: Tink is standing there. The other two are gone already. Let’s start with Xianna and Tadzi, because Tadzi is fairly close by. They are sitting and just eating their gloppy oatmeal as Xianna approaches, and they gesture for you to have a seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tadzi~ Ello.

NICK (as Tadzi): Hi.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. I have a proposition for you.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m listening…

NICK: You see Tadzi slide a sharpened piece of tray out from under their tray and look around eagerly.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, possibly the right direction. We somehow are involved in a volleyball tournament. I do not know why or when. I guess this afternoon. I don’t know why, but we do have a team name, and the team name is the Ball Slappers.

NICK (as Tadzi): [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): So we have that going for us.

NICK (as Tadzi): That’s a pretty good team name.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you want to be on our team?

NICK (as Tadzi): I don’t know if I can risk getting sent back to the clinic or solitary. Have you seen the way they play volleyball here? It’s not probably what you’re picturing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am picturing a lot of murder.

NICK (as Tadzi): Okay, then you’re right on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, which is why I said you had a good idea when you brought the shiv out.

NICK (as Tadzi): So that’s great, and you know we go way back, but… why? Why should I help you with this one?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay, good question. Tink~?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): yes?

LILIT: Xianna’s just shouting this across a few tables.

LILIT (as Xianna): What is the prize for the volleyball game?

HUDSON (as Tink): I was going to say the power of friendship being strengthened.

CAMERON (as Karma): [grunts]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that is… I don’t like that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Credits then? I don’t know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma!


LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, what do we win?!

CAMERON (as Karma): The prison hooch!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okie! Okay, so we are winning prison hooch apparently and not credits, but I can give you credits, because Tink won some today, and I don’t think he is going to use them.

NICK (as Tadzi): I mean, he might. He seems like a smart boy. We’ll work out the details later. I’m sure you’ll also win credits. The prison hooch is just to sweeten the pot. If you’re willing to split some of the prize with me, then yeah, you’ve got yourself a volleyball warrior… I guess. I’ve never really gotten involved because I have very little interest in being stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Understandable. It is not fun to be stabbed.

NICK (as Tadzi): Great. Now do you know the rules to volleyball? Because I super don’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have played volleyball one time before, and I do not remember any of the rules, but I think Tink knows the rules.

NICK: [laughs] And we’ll cut away from that to Tink. Tink, you’re trying to find Ziller?

HUDSON: Yeah, I look around for Ziller.

NICK: Ziller is sitting in the back by himself. It’s a full-size table, just no one’s sitting near him. He’s got his nice clover fur, and he waves at you. As you were walking Xianna was shouting at you, so as you walk further away Ziller says:

NICK (as Ziller): Oh brother, good to see you. You’re trying to play volleyball, huh?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, and do I have a proposition for you. What if we could take our friendship levels and take them so high up in percentages that they would be out of this world and the next?

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t like how rehearsed that sounded. I thought we had a relationship.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, that’s what I’m saying. We would strengthen our relationship. I’m just trying to be a sales person here.

NICK (as Ziller): Well, you succeeded on a Charm check last time we talked—


NICK (as Ziller): —so there is a basic relationship already established, against all logic, considering that you killed my friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): Here’s my proposition. What if you could win some of that good old prison hooch and maybe even some credits by joining a volleyball team with me and my pals?

NICK (as Ziller): Okay, so here’s the thing, brother.

NICK: He leans in, and you have to lean across the table to hear him, because he’s talking fairly quiet. He actually pulls his translator off so that it’s just in Gigoran.

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t know if you remember this, but you recently talked to the warden about how I’m helping him with information, and one of the trades there is that I can get prison hooch whenever I want, and I don’t really need money… because I’m working my way out of here, so I don’t really need any of that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well what about strengthening our friendship?

NICK (as Ziller): That is something I would presumably value having entangled you in this very confusing set of social interactions that’ll result in the death of a popular member of the prison. So here’s what we’ll do. I will take some of your credits and prison hooch, and also, we move on killing Jeyb tonight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Tonight. I mean, why wait? Why not this second?

NICK (as Ziller): Because we’re locked down in the mess hall and there’s no way to get to Jeyb right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh right, right, right. I guess it would be more sneaky at night. That’s when the darkness happens.


NICK (as Ziller): That is indeed when the darkness happens.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so we move on Jeyb tonight.

HUDSON: I say that a little too loudly.

NICK: Several people look up, look at you, and then change tables. Ziller rolls his beady eyes and pulls his mask down and says, back in Basic because the translator’s running:

NICK (as Ziller): Now if you could keep that quiet so that we don’t get murdered, that would be ideal, brother.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s right, Ziller!

HUDSON: I say really loudly.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to help Jeyb move sometime! That’s what I was talking about.

NICK (as Ziller): Saved it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, I knew it.

NICK (as Ziller): So are you in?

HUDSON (as Tink): What about urine?

NICK (as Ziller): Fuck you.


NICK: So then we come to Karma. Karma, you’re looking for Blue?


NICK: Blue is sitting at a table with several other of the big body builders that you saw before. She waves at you as you come around a corner in the mess hall and see her. You see her shove another really large prisoner off the table. He catches himself, sees you, looks at Blue, shrugs, and walks away, and you have an open spot to sit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Aw, thanks Blue.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, you’re quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): How are you doing on this fine whatever the day it is of the week?

NICK (as Blue): What is even time at this point?

CAMERON (as Karma): Solitary kind of messed up my whole timespan of how long I’ve been here, so… yeah, right there with you. I have no idea.

NICK (as Blue): When you are inside most of the time and can’t really go anywhere anyway, what does the time even really matter? It’s like, just trying to get through, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as Blue): I hope everybody in a similar situation is doing well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, me too.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Anyway. Speaking of getting outside, though, are you planning on participating in this volleyball tournament that I have heard about?

NICK (as Blue): I haven’t played since the last time when my entire team died except for me. I did win, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would you be down to play again?

NICK (as Blue): For you? The person who started three riots in less than 24 hours?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as Blue): Absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fantastic! Could you give me just like a description of the makeup of your last team? Not that I’m feeling insecure about any of the team members that we already have, but uh, if they all died that would be beneficial to know more of their skills and stuff and how we can avoid that this time.

NICK (as Blue): The last team was put together by a group of newcomers to the prison who thought they could use the prize to establish some sort of, I don’t know, escape plan maybe.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh. That doesn’t sound similar at all. That’s weird.

NICK (as Blue): there was one that was sort of a weapon specialist ex–bounty hunter who had recently been arrested. Another was really stealthy, a thief, quick nimble fingers. There was a really big Wookie that looked like more of a melee combatant with a friend of his that was very similar, and then there was another quick person that seemed more agile with blades, had a lot of shivs handy. Then of course there was me, the strength.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, I figured you were filling the strength roll. Yeah, that team makeup doesn’t sound concerning at all.

NICK (as Blue): Wonderful.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Blue): Now of course we’ll need to talk about my compensation.

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed. The prize is credits and alcohol?


NICK (as Blue): If you give me half of the pot I’ll contribute.

CAMERON: [long contemplative sigh]

NICK: You could make a Negotiation roll.

CAMERON: Yeah… [grumbles] I want to negotiate.

NICK: So you will get a blue die because you’re already friends with Blue. That’s kinda leftover from the last time where you convinced her to help.

CAMERON: Yay, blue die for Blue. Yeah, I don’t think I have any altering talents for this situation.

NICK: Oh well. So it’ll be an average difficulty. Depending on how successful you are you might be able to talk her down or you may have to commit to giving away a big chunk of the prize.

CAMERON: Yeah… I wanna flip a light side point though.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Since we have three, to make me slightly more negotiatey. Okay, three successes, two threats.

NICK: Great. Any ideas for what the threats would be? Three successes, I think you’re able to talk her down to like a serving of prison hooch.


CAMERON (as Karma): And then I’ll be your spotter next time we’re in the yard, too.

NICK (as Blue): I’m not thrilled with that. I had some plans for that hooch. I was gonna build my own empire in here. Herglics seem to be pretty successful at that.

CAMERON (as Karma): I had noticed that, actually.

NICK (as Blue): Yeah, it’s interesting isn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Blue): Strength, very handy. I will do it for a cup of hooch and 50 Credits, but you’re not gonna get me at my full strength. I’m not going to put myself too at risk, because I do have myself to look after here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, and I would feel awful if anything happened to you, so that sounds fair to me.

NICK: And we cut away to the late afternoon sun back on the prison yard as we see HK holding a volleyball that looks really weathered and worn, and parts of the skin is peeled off of it, and there’s the glint of metal in it somewhere, and he’s holding it up at the net. We see Karma and Xianna and Tink, and Ziller and Blue and Tadzi’texa, all lined up on one side.

NICK (as HK): Well, let’s get this game of volleyball going, shall we?

NICK: There’s a large crowd, and cheering, and music starts to play, and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards like extra bonus episodes and additional hangouts and movie nights with the squad.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 6 Deals in Moonshine

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 6:
Deals in the Moonshine

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Starting off, the Virtual Tabletop Squadron Convention will be July 30 through August 2. That’s next week! The main panels can be watched on our Twitch channel at, and on top of that we have a limited edition con shirt available on our TeePublic store at Links to the schedule and the TeePublic store will be posted on our social media, our website, and in the show notes for this episode.

On the subject of the con, Cameron is also running a game! She is running Mission Accomplished by Jeff Stormer, and her game application is still open. Winners will be chosen by lottery, and the form will close at 11:59 PM Central on Thursday the 23rd of July. If you’re listening to this on release day, that’s today. Cameron’s told me the pitch for the game, and trust me, you wanna get in on this. The link to the entry form will be in the show notes as well as in the Discord and our social media. Anyone is permitted to enter, and patrons will get two entries instead of one as a thank you.

Different community members will be running online board games and RPGs during the con as well.

We have a new patron this week! Thomas Christopher, thank you so much for your support. I hope that you’re X-Wing certified, because we’re making a strafing run on that super star destroyer in about 30 seconds. Here’s your helmet. Your astromech is orange, and I saw them wandering around the hanger somewhere. Go, go, go!

This week’s episode features one of our patron-created NPCs. Zebadiah Drall is the creation of Chris Grant. Thank you again for your support, Chris.

Now is a great time to mention that there will be after hours panels for the Tabletop Squad Convention as Patreon exclusives. Additional information for those will be posted on our Patreon page and is available on the con schedule. Thanks again to all our patrons.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 6! Good to have you back. We are moving right along. Everything’s going swell. Do-do-do do do-do do-do. …

CAMERON: [exasperated chuckle]

NICK: I am your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table. Everybody introduce yourself and say who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I am the artist previously known as Hudson, and I am going to roleplay today as Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: If you’re previously known as Hudson what do we call you now?

HUDSON: Uh, Ampersand.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I can’t think of other symbols.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ampersand is a symbol. Awesome. [laughs] Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Howdy. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful! Last but not least, we have Lilit!

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the episode, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: I also got a dark side.

NICK: Alright!

CAMERON: So two dark side, two light side.

NICK: Perfect.

LILIT: There is balance in the Force.

NICK: Heh. When we last left off, Tink, you met the warden of the prison. Ziller introduced you. You found out that Ziller is a nark and is informing on the prison population, and that the warden is Falx, and that through a mysterious set of circumstances he ended up in charge of this prison, and he has tasked you with killing Big Jeyb, the de facto population leader of the prison. Karma and Xianna, you were introduced to Big Jeyb by Endo the Tognath and by Filbert, who apparently still has professional ties with Big Jeyb, who said that he would protect you and that you are welcome to join his gang if you kill the warden.

That’s where we last left off. Where do you think we should start off? Should we start on the prison yard where y’all can touch base and plan again? Do you wanna be in your cells? Where should we kick off?

HUDSON: I wanna know, when we last left I was drinking whiskey and not liking it, but did I get drunk?

NICK: That’s up to you.

HUDSON: I think that I have trouble getting back to my cell.


NICK: Oh no. Okay.

HUDSON: At one point I kinda stumble into the wall, pull down a portrait, and it busts over my head.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. So, we get a swipe away from seeing you all talking to the warden or talking to Big Jeyb, and karma and Xianna are back in their cell. Filbert is back in his cell, and no one’s seen Tink. Finally you hear Tink stumbling down the hallway, and Ziller has an arm over his shoulder and is kinda guiding him towards his cell, and you can hear from a distance him going:

NICK (as Ziller): Hey brother, it’s gonna be okay, brother. This way. Nope, nope, this way. Come on. This, eh, there you go.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am just doing fine. I appreciate your outward physical hand holding my back, and I… [sobbing] I really appreciate it. [back to normal] I can do this, though. I’m very much on the ball.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what happened to you~?

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? I’m just plain old Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, something is wrong with you. Are you okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): I might’ve… what’s the phrasing? I, um… fell off the speeder? The wagon. I fell off the wagon.

NICK (as Ziller): Hey, I’ve gotta get back to my cell, because I did a lot of weird sneaking through the walls to get here, but if you throw up make sure you take the mask off first. It’ll get pretty jammed up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ew.

NICK (as Ziller): And also, Filbert, if you’re gonna hold my brother’s hair back, remember that he is literally hair, so that’s going to be pretty difficult to keep out of the spray. I recommend standing behind him.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ziller waves to a guard who’s positioned all the way at the far end of the cell block, and Tink’s cell door opens, and Ziller gently guides him in, and the door shuts, and he disappears into the shadows, and you are back in your cells.

HUDSON (as Tink): me and Ziller are friends now, big old friendos.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, are you drunk?

HUDSON (as Tink): [giggling] No, you’re drunk.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we are not drunk.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, we’re not.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well then I’m drunk.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes you are.


CAMERON (as Karma): How…?

HUDSON (as Tink): I met with Mr. Falx Warden, and he gave me—

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, is Falx the warden?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! How’d you know?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You just said it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I was just guessing, because you said Warden Falx.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes. So yeah, Falx is the warden, and he provided me with some imbibes.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Neat! Oh, we have to kill Falx. Okay, that is fine then.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh, alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. What do you mean?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, we met Big Jeyb.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, Big Jeyb wants us to kill the warden, who is Falx.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Who’s apparently Falx.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, we are going to kill Falx.

HUDSON (as Tink): Great. The thing I’m supposed to do—Oh wait.

HUDSON: And I turn.

HUDSON (as Tink): Filbert, are you there right now?

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK (as Filbert): Yeah, I’m right here, buddy. Try not to step on me. You seem a little unstable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I have secrets.

HUDSON: And that’s all I say. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [smiling] Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you going to tell us the secrets?

HUDSON (as Tink): [whispering] Not right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s kind of rude just to say that you have secrets like as an announcement and then not share the secrets.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re special per-person secrets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think you are going to throw up?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I feel ab—

NICK (via synthesized text-to-speech robot voice): Surprising and disgusting vomit noise removed for your listening comfort. No really, I mean it, it was a really gross and loud and abrupt vomit noise. It lasted a surprisingly long time. You’re welcome.


NICK: Tink, your mask is still on so it sunflowers out of the side so it’s really gross.

CAMERON: Oh, gross!

NICK: it fizzles out, and you just hear the sound of bus breaks playing underwater, and that’s all you can hear.


HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh.

NICK (as Filbert): No! Roomie, you didn’t give me a warning! Come here, roomie. Oh, it’s all too late. I’m gonna stand on the top bunk out of the way.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s probably for the best. I’m… I… Ugh, that wasn’t very good. This is gonna take forever to clean out of my mask.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you feeling better at least?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah, like… I mean, yeah. Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That’s good.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m still pretty drunk.


LILIT (as Xianna): Next time if you are going to throw up, though, you should do it in the toilet.

HUDSON (as Tink): [with a little attitude] Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that.

NICK (as Filbert): It looks like some of it hit the toilet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, but it kinda hit everything, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, everything in your cell is hit, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Yeah.

HUDSON: I fall asleep on my bunk, hard.

NICK: There’s a hollow clang as Tink’s head hits the frame of the bed instead of the mattress.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well I was going to talk about our other plan, the one we should not talk about in front of Filbert, but I should wait until Tink is awake.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… We can talk about it tomorrow.

NICK (as Filbert): I kinda feel like a fifth repulser wheel over here.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, just a fourth.

NICK (as Filbert): Third repulser.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, because Tink is three.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re the fourth person.

NICK (as Filbert): But four repulsers is standard for a speeder. I was trying to do the idiom.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, we need a new friend to be the fourth wheel for us so that you can then be the fifth.

NICK (as Filbert): Oh. You know anybody?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, my friend Tadzi is here. They can be the fourth, and then that way Filbert can be five.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that works for me.

NICK: Let’s cut away from this scene. The next thing we see is the prison yard, which from your knowledge Xianna, of your time in jail in the past, the prison yard is probably your best bet of talking without being observed, because you’re in a big open field, there’s no walls around, there’s no surveillance equipment that can really see you. You’re standing in the middle of this dirt field. There’s people everywhere, but they’re far enough away that they can’t overhear you. it’s Tink looking kind of hungover and squinting into the sun and Xianna and karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): How are you feeling there, buddy?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, I wish I could get sunglasses. This is just terrible right now.

LILIT: Xianna pulls some sunglasses out of her jumpsuit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Here you go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, thank you. This is so much better. Oh my… I shouldn’t have. Just like, I need to be polite and I need to drink the drinks.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you can tell Falx to shove it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): We’re gonna kill him anyways, so it doesn’t matter.

HUDSON (as Tink): So about that. I talked to Falx, and Falx wants me to kill Big Jeyb.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): But if we kill Falx then it doesn’t matter if he wants you to kill Big Jeyb.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Are we trying to get out of here? [chuckles] Why are we even doing a detour?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes! So, about that, I can easily move the cameras in the library and there is a gigantic vent in there, and we can just go into the vents and figure out how to get out.

HUDSON (as Tink): How much weight do I need to lose to fit into those vents?

LILIT (as Xianna): None.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): As far as I’m aware.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good. I was not wanting to really change my lifestyle that much.

LILIT (as Xianna): You will be fine. I have to make a little tool to open the grates, but that will not be too hard, and then starting a riot somewhere else in the prison so that we can use it as a distraction to leave.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

CAMERON (as Karma): And we have to get Sentinel to the library after busting him out of solitary.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): And then why are we killing Falx on the way?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, because Big Jeyb wants us to.

HUDSON (as Tink): But if we’re out of the prison we don’t have to follow Jeyb’s direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess, but we could just kill Falx for fun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, I don’t really like killing for fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Does Falx know we’re in here? Like, all of us?

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t mention it.

CAMERON (as Karma): What did you tell Falx?

LILIT (as Xianna): Did he seem mad at me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would he be mad at you, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, because a few months ago I did a job for him.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): But I gave him a file that definitely had some bad malware on it, so I was just curious how that turned out.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know, but they definitely have a bone to pick with Sila?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know who that is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, who is that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sila was an Imperial Inspector and got into it with Falx the last time all three of us were together with Falx there.

LILIT (as Xianna): When was that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Was that the party on Mustafar?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that was the party on Mustafar where he fell off the cliff and I thought he died.

LILIT: Xianna’s looking off into the distance.

LILIT (as Xianna): We went to a party on Mustafar?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, we went to a party on Mustafar.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s where we got all of the silk robes. They were in the goody bags.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just thought those appeared on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, that’s why they have the Imperial logo on them. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Huh. So anyways, we need to find Zebadiah – they are the one who makes the prison hooch – so that way we can make Mandalore cocktails so that we can proper riots, and then when everyone is distracted and all the prison guards are taking care of the riots we can go into solitary and get Sentinel out, and then we can go through the vents!

HUDSON (as Tink): These prison system computers don’t look that advanced, so I think I can break someone out of solitary given the right interface.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there was only like one guard in there, so you just go in, you get rid of them, and then you open up the cells.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let this be fun for me!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, yeah, but also we’ve got HK here who is a guard.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes!

HUDSON (as Tink): I forgot about HK.


LILIT: Xianna twirls around and starts waving.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello HK~!

CAMERON (as Karma): It probably would be easiest to have him fetch Sentinel from solitary, because then he can be escorted down that long scary gate hallway that has all of the stun blasters pointed at it, and he’s a guard so it would be okay.

NICK: You see HK approaching the cafeteria and he looks like he’s dragging something heavy and quickly shoves it into a closet and slams the door as people turn to look at Xianna calling to HK.


LILIT: [laughs]

NICK: And from the distance you hear him say:

NICK (as HK): Authoritative Statement: Silence, prisoner.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so HK’s probably our best path to retrieval for Sentinel from solitary. Also, he’s just slowly been murdering all of the other guards.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] Oh yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, which like, good for him. What if we tell HK that his reward is that after he can go kill Falx?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know…

LILIT (as Xianna): He would do that, right? Doesn’t really matter if he does, just the fact that we say he can, he would probably help us.

CAMERON (as Karma): Having seen his brain plugged into that droid at the party on Mustafar, I feel like he’d be into it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think so. Let’s look at Falx real quick.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): If one word comes to mind it’s endearing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Why would we wanna kill someone like that?

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] That’s the word?

HUDSON (as Tink): Also a slick-mofo, but yeah, endearing.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s two words though, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s hyphenated.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, my bad, sorry.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if any of that applies to him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Either way, I’m not trying to beg for his life, but I don’t wanna do a detour to kill someone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well we wouldn’t do a detour, HK would just go do that, because HK can find his own way home. He does not have to come through the vents with us.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t feel the need to have Falx killed. I’m not a fan, as he tried to frame us for the murder that he did, but I wouldn’t be upset if something happened to him during it, but I’m not going to go out of my way to ensure that it happens, because I really don’t care.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m not going to go super out of my way to kill him, but I feel like he will be very mad at me, so maybe if I have the opportunity to send a murder droid to go kill him I should do that before he tries to kill me.

HUDSON (as Tink): He doesn’t know you’re here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does he? I don’t remember what name I got arrested under.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly, and he didn’t mention you, so obviously—

LILIT (as Xianna): That might actually be a problem.


LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t remember what name I put down.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know your first name at least was Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not on the paperwork!

CAMERON (as Karma): [giggling] Everyone’s just been calling you Xianna since we got here?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, but that is not on my paperwork.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear, okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just like make up a new nickname that’s not on any kind of paperwork and make everyone call you by that, like Pickles.

CAMERON: [snickers] What?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, what I’m saying is that I got arrested with a fake set of papers and IDs and used that for the forms, but then when I saw you two I remember that you two are incapable of remembering fake names so I just started using Xianna and figured it would be okay, and then I forgot the fake name on my paperwork, so I don’t know what prisoner they think I am.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well, while Tink is hacking into the computer systems he can figure that out so that you can cross that name off your list of future ones to use.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, you’re gonna have to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Done.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I’m surprised Falx didn’t just figure it out in that he saw you two on the paperwork and then a randomly named purple Twi’lek and was like yes, that is not Xianna.


HUDSON (as Tink): No, they didn’t even mention Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Huh.

CAMERON (as Karma): I didn’t use my last name on the paperwork.

HUDSON (as Tink): You just went by Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): They don’t know how Nautolan naming conventions work.


CAMERON (as Karma): How did you meet with Falx, the warden?

LILIT (as Xianna): He wants Big Jeyb to die.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know that was the end result, but how did that meeting occur?

HUDSON (as Tink): My main man Grissle, me and him—

CAMERON (as Karma): Grissle? Who is Grissle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I mean… Ah fuck. Hold on… Ziller! Ziller. I need to remember that or else, ooh, that could be trouble. No, I talked him into being friends with me again so now we’re cool and he wanted to bring me to Falx to get me protection and take me under his wing in a way as a new nark.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh! Great.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ew.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t be a nark.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’m not a nark.

LILIT (as Xianna): But you are going to be.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, the first job was to kill someone, so that’s not like—

LILIT (as Xianna): You can be a murderer and also be a nark. Those are not exclusive ideas.

HUDSON (as Tink): Although they are not mutually exclusive, I have not been tasked with narking yet.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like we have really gotten off the tracks here. We must collect the things for the prison riot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): We need streamers and balloons.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not… no.

CAMERON (as Karma): Different kind of riot?

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Different kind. Not what we are going for.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t… no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Different time. Different time.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s like Miranda’s 50th birthday, “oh, she’s a riot,” and then you would do the streamers and balloons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, no, not that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no, no.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like actual one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we are going to get the prison hooch. We will get bottles and rags and we will tell HK to go get Sentinel, and then we will start a riot and stab a few people, and then we will go into the vents.

CAMERON (as Karma): So stabbing people, I think I can get knives from the kitchen, but I have to figure out a way to trick the knife blocks into letting me keep the knife and not telling the kitchen droid that I took them. Also, another explosive option, there’s a very large amount of flour just stacked up hiding a secret tunnel in the pantry.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is good too.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

CAMERON (as Karma): We can take out the kitchen that way as well.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Do you think you could store bottles and rags and the prison hooch somewhere in that pantry behind the bags of flour so it is all contained and ready to go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think I can do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’mma go find Zebadiah. Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): And, break. [claps]

CAMERON: [laughing] We all put our hands in the middle and go “hyah!”

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): One, two, three, break.

LILIT: And Xianna twirls around and heads off into the crowd in search of Zebadiah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey Karma, what do you wanna do? This break was real confusing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t know where we’re breaking to. Well…

HUDSON (as Tink): Should’ve discussed that. We’ll know next time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna’s getting kind of away. Let’s follow them?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay!

HUDSON: We follow Xianna.

CAMERON: From our previous prison yard experience, Xianna could probably use some protection. [laughs]


NICK: Yeah, that’s probably true. So we see Karma and Tink hurrying to catch up with Xianna. Xianna heads across the yard. You’re looking for somebody named Zebadiah. How are you hoping to identify this person?

LILIT: If Xianna was told that Zebadiah is a Klatooinian, she figures that there’s probably not too many of them in this prison and is just going to search for them and hope that if there is more than one that Klatooinian knows where Zebadiah is.

NICK: Do you wanna make me a Survival check to track this person down, or Streetwise, or Perception?

LILIT: I will go with a Streetwise, because I have Streetwise. What do you think the difficulty would be?

NICK: Hard.

LILIT: Okay, one success and six advantages.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Wow. Okay. Be thinking about what you want those advantages to be. You head your way across the yard. I think we get a zoomed out shot of Xianna, and Karma and Tink flanking her, as they start to head into some more of the groups of people that are more closely gathered, and in a corner of the yard you see a Klatooinian, an older man, he’s got just a little bit of a belly and his face is more saggy than his race would normally be. This is an older gentleman. He is sitting kind of in the corner. There’s a couple of other Klatooinians around him, and little groups of people will come up and talk to him and they’ll talk for a while, and it looks like somewhere in between a negotiation and just chewing the fat, just having a conversation.

As you get closer you see the one that seems to be in charge is holding a thick stub of a cigar and is puffing on it a little bit, and there is a group of three Jawas talking to them, so you hear [high-pitched Jawa gibberish] and you hear this Klatooinian take the cigar out of his mouth and he says:

NICK (as Zebadiah): Look, I don’t care exactly what you’re looking for, I’m not giving it to you if you don’t give me the supplies. I cannot make bricks without clay.

NICK: The Jawas get mad, and you hear them go [more gibberish].

NICK (as Zebadiah): No, I don’t have an egg. You have to have the egg. That’s the point.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And you see several rude hand gestures coming from inside of brown cloaks, and you hear [gibberish] and they stomp away angrily. You see the guy in charge chomp on his cigar a little bit, pull it out, and say:

NICK (as Zebadiah): I never can understand them. They just seem to get it all mixed up about how this works exactly.

NICK: And there is nobody else around. You are able to approach.

LILIT: Xianna walks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. I have been told that you are Zebadiah. That is correct?

NICK (as Zebadiah): I am indeed. Zebadiah Drall, at your service.

LILIT (as Xianna): Alright. I am Xianna, and I heard that you are the one who makes the prison hooch around here.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Oh now-now my dear, let’s not be calling it hooch. I make liquid art as it were.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as Zebadiah): I make our existence here in the cage more enjoyable for everybody, for a price.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, that is wonderful and very poetic, and great branding.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Why thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): However, we are in need of just alcohol. It does not need to taste good, it just needs to be, uh, high proof, like at least 40% and upwards.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Interesting. Now why would you not be caring about the flavor or the style and only about the alcoholic content? I will say my interest is piqued.

HUDSON (as Tink): So I could actually answer that one. Hi, I’m Tink.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Hello Tink, nice to meet you. My name is Zebadiah Drall.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am a doctor, and we need the high proof alcohol for… We just keep scraping our legs, keep scraping our arms, just falling all over the place. I was inebriated the other day, sunflowered my room, just slipped on it, just fell face-first.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, you know, the stuff they got back at the clinic is just not up to snuff.

NICK (as Zebadiah): The sunflower being the most uncomfortable of expulsions. I do understand, and am sorry to hear of your ailment, sir.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Zebadiah): If you could roll me some kind of Deception check, because you’re lying through your teeth, boy.


HUDSON: This is my first roll.

NICK: Hey! Try to make people play the game. This is against two purples and a red.

LILIT: Ooh! Heh.

HUDSON: So a triumph cancels out a despair, right?


NICK: No, you get both.

CAMERON: No, they both occur.

HUDSON: Oh… well then. Hold on.

LILIT: What are the rest…?


HUDSON: I have a success with a triumph and a despair.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay! So, Zebadiah looks at the three of you and says:

NICK (as Zebadiah): You know, you seem familiar. Have we met before?

HUDSON (as Tink): I do get around. Potentially?

NICK (as Zebadiah): Well either way, I feel that I inherently trust you and your position, sir. Unfortunately, I have a bit of, uh, despairing news. All of my high grain alcohol got put up as a sort of “informal reward” for whoever wins the next volleyball tournament.

CAMERON: [exasperated sigh and laugh]

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] But we already did volleyball!

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait, but we won, so we can win again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I know, but I don’t… If we are going to do it can we just do it in like a short montage instead of like two whole episodes?


LILIT (as Xianna): Just like a 30 second thing and there’s like upbeat music and it’s just like little, you know, three second cuts of video.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, you and I both know we can’t afford the rights to Danger Zone.


LILIT (as Xianna): Well okay, we’ll get a knock-off version.

CAMERON (as Karma): Can we still get a couple of hot guys to be on our team, though? Who are shirtless and can high-five.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can afford that at least, though, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): So much high-fiving.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay great.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Now, it sounds like you all have played volleyball before. What prison did you play in? Sometimes the rules are a little different.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m gonna say that the rules are probably extremely different from the last time that we played, and I would appreciate if you would tell us what the rules are in the cage.

NICK (as Zebadiah): All I’ve done is supply the reward, unfortunately. You’ll have to figure that out for yourself, but I will say the game is a little less “friendly” than you may consider it to be on the outside. I would, uh, make sure that you’re well-armed.

HUDSON (as Tink): So the balls have spikes?

LILIT (as Xianna): No-no-no, you will get like shivved and stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So you, like, do wolverine hands and just go at it. Well, that’ll pop the ball though, we can’t do that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, you want to keep it like in a pocket or something so that any prison guards don’t see.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And you gotta get real close, and I don’t necessarily know if I want to teach you how to shiv someone properly, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I’m just gonna rely on my street smarts.

CAMERON: [chortles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, that is indeed not a skill. There is Streetwise.


LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, or Street Smarts might actually be—

CAMERON (as Karma): I think it’s a talent?

LILIT (as Xianna): Street Smarts is a talent.


HUDSON (as Tink): And I am quite talented in that, so I’ll get by.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, well…

LILIT (as Xianna): I have both the Street Smarts talent and the Streetwise skill, so this will be okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think this is gonna turn out just fine~

CAMERON: [smiling] Oh gosh.

NICK (as Zebadiah): I am inspired by your confidence, friend. Unless there’s something else I can do for you, while I don’t have anything particularly good for disinfecting I do have some lovely toilet wines, and we are mostly out of snacks. If you could arrange a trade maybe of some Spunyuns or some of the good ramen I could get you some toilet wine here by the time lights out would occur.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I’m going to keep my Spunyuns. Do you know to compete in the volleyball tournament do you have to buy in or do you just join?

NICK (as Zebadiah): Oh yes, there is a buy-in. The tournament itself is actually organized by the guards. They watch it for entertainment. If you are able to sink in an ante then you qualify for the reward if your team wins.

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought I asked Filbert if this was one of those shitty fucking prisons where the warden or the guards organize sports for fun and I swear to the Force he told me no.

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I also remember him saying no.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Well, they’re not organizing the sport, they’re just organizing the tournament. It’s a distinction.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… is it, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is the same thing!

HUDSON (as Tink): So no, no-no, no-no, it’s not that. It’s kind of like they’re already in control of us so they’re organizing it…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes!

HUDSON (as Tink): …but it’s decentralized. You see?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s decentralized because you have many different types of prisoners within the game.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so do the guards have their own team? Because I am not doing that bullshit again.

NICK (as Zebadiah): Oh no, the guards do not participate. Honestly, this is more of a cover for a blood sport than anything specifically relating to the game of volleyball.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we can handle that. Maybe we can get the referee some bribes or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know. I think we are probably better at blood sport than we are at volleyball, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, and we won volleyball, so guess what we can do in this one. Win even harder.

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe our prize will give us a mug, that we can treasure, always.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] I don’t want another mug.

CAMERON (as Karma): How are we gonna drink all of our alcohol that we get? That we aren’t using to clean cuts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. We’re using them to clean cuts.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m just saying, you’re using them to clean cuts, what are we going to drink it in when you’re not paying attention?

LILIT (as Xianna): Whatever container it comes in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay fair. I just think another mug would be nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): So now we have to go figure out how to sign up for the volleyball tournament. Zebadiah, who the fuck do we talk to to do that?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Zebadiah): Most of the guards would be able to point you in the right direction. I believe that this one is organized by a guard named, uh, Smith? Should be able to find him pretty easily. He’s usually patrolling the yard around this time.

LILIT: Xianna just veers away from this group and heads towards the fence, and when she gets there—I’m imagining it’s one of those big chain link fences.

NICK: What do you mean by big chain link, like the chain links themselves are big, or…?

HUDSON: The ones that come inwards and have the spikes at the top?

LILIT: Yeah, just like a big chain link fence.

NICK: Yeah, it’s just a big ass chain link fence.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: We borrowed a set from a prison movie for this. That’s what we did.


LILIT: But hooks one hand in the little chains and starts waving with the other hand.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. I would like to talk to one of the guards, a Smith, about the volleyball.

NICK: You see, kind of like before, there are two guards patrolling on the ground around the fence at opposite corners of the yard. Two of them come over, and they look like they’re excited to maybe get to stun you or something, and then as you say that they look a little disappointed. One of the guards looks at the other guard and says:

NICK (as guard1): Yeah, I do think Smith was organizing it this time. Where is he? He didn’t report for duty in like the last two days.

CAMERON: I thought I recognized that name. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t care if he is sick or something. Does he have like an assistant or is there anyone else running the game? I just want to play the stupid volleyball.

NICK (as guard1): Yeah, you know, Smith, when he’s out, him and Jones are real buddy-buddy, I’m sure he could take your ante for you if you’re interested in the volleyball tournament.

NICK: The other guard looks a little confused.

NICK (as guard2): Wait, no. I haven’t seen Jones either. He was here a couple days ago, but I didn’t see him yesterday.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my—GAHHH.

CAMERON (as Karma): I heard that droid guard was covering for them.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t care which guard it is. Is there just, please, is there a guard who I can give whatever the payment is so I can play this kriffing volleyball game? I don’t care about your personal lives.

NICK: The two guards look kind of sad and insulted that you don’t care about their personal lives.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am very sorry, but I have been here not even a week. I am not invested in any of your lives yet.

NICK: They kind of shrug.

NICK (as guard1): Well we’ll see who’s collecting the ante.

NICK: And they leave, and you get stuck just awkwardly waiting by this fence. You see them walk off, talk to some other guards, they gesticulate and look confused and walk away. A while later from around the corner by where the fence joins with the commissary, so there’s like a little bit of a spot that’s hard to see, you hear:

NICK (as HK): Secretive Statement: Psst, are you trying to get into the volleyball game?

LILIT (as Xianna): [fed up] Oh my god, yes!

CAMERON (as Karma): [pleasantly] Yes!

NICK (as HK): So I don’t know exactly how this happened, but I think I’m in charge of the volleyball game now. I’m pretty sure I’m the ref.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re welcome.

NICK (as HK): Yeah. Everyone just started saying I was in charge. I don’t know what that was all about, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): You just seemed like a good person to be in charge.

LILIT (as Xianna): So but that means you can call things in our favor.

NICK (as HK): Yes, but I can’t be seen being too unfavorable. The good news is I am a master of deception, so no one will see through my subtle ruses.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well exactly, you just have to mildly ignore the things we do and just be hyper focused on the other team.

NICK (as HK): Yes. Anybody who is caught assaulting the other team gets stunned. These are the rules.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sounds fair.

LILIT (as Xianna): But not for us. Don’t stun us.

NICK (as HK): I can’t promise anything, but I’ll do my best.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or, if you have to, just stun Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can take a couple.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

CAMERON (as Karma): So is this still a 6-on-6 volleyball game?

NICK (as HK): It sure is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Can you stun the three other people we get to join our team?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as HK): Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, just Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, just Tink? Okay. No, just for if you have to punish our team for something, just don’t shoot one of us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, if we get Big Jeyb on our team won’t that take up most of the court and we’re set?


LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think Big Jeyb would play in the team.

HUDSON (as Tink): We haven’t asked.

CAMERON (as Karma): I made a friend before we got into solitary named Blue. She’s real tall and really freaking strong.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I have a friend who is here.

HUDSON (as Tink): And I have a… oh, well I guess I have a—

CAMERON (as Karma): You have a roommate.

LILIT (as Xianna): You have Filbert.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have Filbert.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You and Filbert are roommates. Filbert can be on the team.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe I should rethink this. My other green fellow, Greerso, me and him, we could volleyball.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ziller?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ziller! Ziller, yes, yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): You really need to remember his name, Tink. If you’re pretending to be friends, this is gonna be real awkward if you can’t remember his name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, sometimes when you start pretending to be friends you end up really becoming friends. Haven’t you ever seen a movie?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, suggestion. From what I have witnessed of Ziller, just call him brother and you don’t have to worry about a name at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Brother. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Because he calls literally everyone brother, so you’ll be good.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, HK, since you are our friend we don’t have to give you any sort of buy-in to enter the tournament. We can just enter, right?

NICK (as HK): I’m afraid that’s not how it works. I have to be able to submit the pile of entries to the file I found on Smith’s bod—I mean, that Smith entrusted to me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, we all know you killed him. How much is it? Because I have exactly 200 Credits and a bag of Spunyuns.


LILIT (as Xianna): They are flaming hot if it matters.

NICK (as HK): Good news, if you have 200 Credits and a bag of Spunyuns, you are a third of the way there. It is 600 Credits and three bags of Spunyuns.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh. Seriously?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. I have 200 Credits and a bag of Spunyuns. Can you just take that?

NICK (as HK): As a down payment, sure, although I recommend you use that as seed money to get the rest of the application. I’m so sorry, my hands are tied.

LILIT: Xianna just starts walking away while screaming.

LILIT (as Xianna): [while moving away from the microphone] Aaaaaah~!


HUDSON (as Tink): So, seed money, does that mean we’re doing a startup?

CAMERON (as Karma): A gambling startup, yes Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that kind of seed money. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that kind of seed money.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re getting my hopes up here.

CAMERON (as Karma): That kind of seed Spunyuns.

LILIT: Xianna has started to storm off to where they are playing Rancor Roundup, and when she gets over there just hops in and says:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. How much is it to buy into a round?

NICK: The group looks at you, and Tink and Karma are running to keep up.

CAMERON: I stay by HK.

NICK: You stay by HK?

CAMERON: I have a question for him.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I run over to Xianna.

NICK: Okay. The Rodian from earlier and some of the other gamblers look at Xianna.

NICK (as Rodian): You can’t join the game. You are friends with Tadzi, and Tadzi cheated. You’re not invited anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well just because Tadzi cheated doesn’t mean that I am going to cheat.

NICK (as Rodian): Even worse than cheating, Tadzi welched on a bet too, so it’s not a great start for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): How much for me to enter?

NICK (as Rodian): I don’t know, like 200 Credits and a bag of Spunyuns I guess.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Tink, do you even know how to play this game?

HUDSON (as Tink): What game?


LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, let’s do it.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I feel like your system is kind of weird if you don’t ask to see the money first. Maybe the problem was less with Tadzi and more with the system and setup of this game.

NICK (as Rodian): You might be right. Tadzi has a long and detailed backstory explaining how much we trusted them, so the fact that betrayal happened still smarts. We were very close, so this is pretty disappointing. Even though we were partially responsible we still feel bad about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I had not seen Tadzi in like ten years, so… I don’t know how that factors into your equations of whether or not I am trustworthy.

NICK (as Rodian): You are more than welcome to advise your friend, but we will not be letting you touch the sacred Rancor cubes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw, Rancor cubes, that looks easy. Let’s do it.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sighs] Ugh, this fucking prison is the worst shithole I have ever been to.

NICK (as Rodian): Welcome to the cage.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is the worst prison.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m actually having an okay time.

LILIT (as Xianna): The worst one. Okay fine, my friend here, Tink, is going to enter, and here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yesss.

LILIT: And is rummaging around in her coat and just spikes the bag of Funyuns onto the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): Here are the Spunyuns, they are flaming hot flavored, and here are the 200 Credits.

NICK: They look at that. it lands in a pile of other snacks and money, and we’re gonna cut away from that game really quick. Karma, you’re staying by Hank?


NICK: What are you asking him?

CAMERON (as Karma): Since I know you have been exploring a lot of the closets in the prison recently, just during your guard rounds, have you by chance located where the contraband is stored? Like say if a prisoner were to have a knife on them or something and the guards confiscated it, where that might end up?

NICK (as HK): Answer: Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Could you assist in some way in either retrieving things from there or getting us too there? Or at least one of us.

NICK (as HK): The contraband is stored in the evidence locker in the basement of the administration building. I could probably get somebody in there or take things from there one time, but it would result in the termination of my contract. We would want to be careful on timing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Noted. Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): Have a lovely day.

NICK (as HK): And you as well. Ooh, is that Officer Peters? If you’ll excuse me for a second.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Officer Peters, can you come with me? I have a question for you.

CAMERON: Karma heads over to where the game is occurring.

NICK: We get the shot of Tink. They put the two chance cubes in your hand and you start to shake them. We get the shot of you throwing the dice and them rolling along the two lines of people watching it, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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