Author: Laura Penrod

A rack of test tubes in 2 rows of 6. The first 2 by 2 section are pink, the next section are yellow, and the final section are green.
Shots!

When the crew first meets Val in Episode 29 they find her in a bar. This particular establishment serves some unusual drinks, including brightly colored shots in test tubes. We’ve concocted some equally colorful shots with less sketchy ingredients.

We went with 3 lovely colored shots: pink, yellow, and green. And don’t worry! These great colors are all natural, coming from pineapple, watermelon, and kiwi.

A rack of test tubes in 2 rows of 6. The first 2 by 2 section are pink, the next section are yellow, and the final section are green.
1 yellow, 1 pink, and 1 green tube have been taken out and arrange on the table in front of the rack.
You can put yours in regular glasses if you want to. We guess.

Pink Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces watermelon juice*
1.5 ounces real lemon vodka

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

Yellow Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces pineapple juice
1.5 ounces coconut rum

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

Green Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces kiwi juice*
1.5 ounces vodka

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

*Note:

If watermelon and kiwi juice isn’t available at your store, place peeled and chopped pieces of fruit in a food processor or blender and blend until smooth. Strain through cheesecloth or a fine mesh sieve.

Word document download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

PDF download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 34:
Paradise Lost and Found

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode, a huge thanks goes out to TooManyAnts for their five-star iTunes review. Thank you for telling the internet about our show. You’re great. Also, I want to call out that this episode features our first Patreon submitted NPC. The suggestion for the character Nugget is brought to you by Sp4rkleFish. Thank you for your support and for becoming a part of our little corner of Star Wars.

Music this week is Somewhere Sunny, Version 2 by Kevin MacLeod and Shiny Tech by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 34! I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Uh… Hi. I have no ideas. … Moving on! Go around the table, everybody introduce themselves, say what character they are playing today, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we played – all 10 of them – then let me know what you spent them on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am hoarding my experience.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s a measly pile of 10 at the moment.

NICK: Yup. Turns out when you’re not blowing up super star destroyers the experience train comes in just a little bit slower. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! It’s great to be here, Nick!

NICK: It’s great to have you, Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’m also hoarding my points, and if you act now you can get Jar Jar Binks as your personal butler for 50% off.

NICK: What?!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Is that an experience talent tree?

HUDSON: Yeah actually.

CAMERON: Your tree doesn’t–? Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. None of your NPCs have the Jar Jar Binks butler talent?

NICK: Personal butler? Yeah, you know, the Edge of the Empire developers just really went in on the Episode 1 characters. They just really tried to force that there.

HUDSON: He’ll be your familiar, like—Oh, sorry, mesa be your familiar.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Oh, no…

LAURA: No… No.

NICK: I forgot about… that, just that character in general. Thanks. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am also saving my experience points. I’m gonna use mine to purchase Cad Bane as a familiar.

HUDSON: Ohh… Good choice.

NICK: Wear him on your head so you can have dark vision?

LAURA: Yeah. He’ll just stay on my shoulders and then he’ll kind of act as my hat and he’ll have his cool hat. It won’t work at all, but we’ll do our best.

NICK: Double hat. Sounds good. Anyway, before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Cool. Last time you had landed on the planet of Sesid at the island resort city of Thrinaka. You’ve been sent there to look for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. The crew of the ship had been contracted to smuggle you into a warzone and find the final member of Beta Squad, however you’re not sure when they’ll be on Sesid, so you’ve decided to take advantage of the situation and relax on the island while you wait. You spent a lovely day at the pool and the beach, you made some friends, and then as you waited around a bonfire eating s’mores Tink revealed that he had signed you up for a volleyball tournament scheduled for the next day. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Our ship is now called the Mourning Despair, mourning spelt like ‘you are in mourning.’

LAURA: Oh. I just had it written as regular morning.

HUDSON: No. We decided it was M-O-U.

NICK: More punny.

CAMERON: Yeah. Hudson and I discussed it was better with the U. That was the one important fact you missed.

NICK: It’s very important. It will come up a lot.

LAURA: There’s an orange loth-rat on the ship.

CAMERON: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I was trying to think of good names to call it.

NICK: Scabbers.

LAURA: Creamsicle.

NICK: That’s pretty good. So, the packets for your team for the volleyball tournament are handed out around sunrise. Matches will start about an hour after that. Who goes to pick up the packet?

CAMERON: We send Tink.

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna.

HUDSON: I go!

NICK: Okay. Great. We’ll come back to that in just a second. Does anyone go to check out the landing board at the space port before your day gets started?

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna. (laughs)

CAMERON: I’ll say Karma does.

NICK: Okay. I think we get a shot of Karma standing as the sun rises at the space port. It’s a parking lot with ships scattered around, but it’s early morning. You’re probably there mid-week. It’s not completely full. There’s sand blowing across. It’s got that light ocean breeze. We get a really cool shot of the sun rising behind Karma as she looks at the board.

CAMERON: I’m drinking a tiki drink.

NICK: Drinking a tiki drink. Do you have big sunglasses on?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I’m wearing the ginormous hat and giant sunglasses from yesterday.

NICK: So you’re fully vacationing out here.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: You scan through the board and you do not see the Tallahassee Quagmire having arrived since you arrived.

CAMERON: I nod briskly and go and exchange my tiki drink for a new one at the bar that’s right next to the landing field. (laughs)

NICK: The night shift bartender is finishing up so they look pretty tired, but they bring you another one, and they say thank you for your business, and they smile at you. Cool. So… (rubs hands together) Tink, you head down to the lobby to register. You signed up, but the actual registration of the team and everything is handled day-of in case people leave or sleep in or are hungover. It helps them organize it. It’s early, and while you’re excited for the tournament that early morning jitter that you get makes your stomach kind of hurt and you can’t help but wonder why this sounded like a fun activity the night before. As you head down to the lobby it’s all marble floors and light coloring, and you see a Draedan – which is the swamp creature looking aliens that are native to this planet – manning a table in the lobby. It’s got the hotel thing where it looks nice but you can tell it’s not a very nice table cloth thrown over it, and they’re wearing the full hotel livery and sunglasses even though they’re inside. They greet you with a too-wide smile as you walk up. “Oh, are you confirming registration?”

HUDSON: “I sure am.”

NICK: “Great! If you could just put the names of your six team members down we’ll be able to get the brackets in time for the first match.”

HUDSON: “Uh… Six team members?”

NICK: “Well yeah, it’s volleyball, it’s teams of six.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Okay!” (laughter) I grab the sheet and I go over to a table to sign up our six team members.

NICK: Great. Yeah, so you sit down at a bench next to a potted plant – it’s one of those really big ferns that you see in hotels all the time – and there’s the six slots for the team members’ names and the team name, which I guess you’ll get to put down, and your room number, which is going to be pretty easy. As you’re sitting there filling it out you put your own name down, or whatever alias you have. Do you just put Tink or do you put a fake name?

HUDSON: I put…

CAMERON: When we checked into the hotel you did check in under Tink.

HUDSON: Oh. I put down Tink.

NICK: Okay. You put down the various names of you and Xianna and Karma. Is HK playing volleyball with you all?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: You see that there’s two slots. Below the names to sign up it does say ‘must have complete team to enter.’ As you’re looking at that and scratching your head you look up and you see that you’re actually right next to the hotel restaurant that’s currently serving breakfast. You see that a lot of beings are there and they’re dressed for an active day. You can see a couple of other people running around, holding registration sheets, walking through breakfast, and it looks like they’re trying to recruit people to join their teams. If you want to pick up two more team members, probably that breakfast room is going to be your best bet.

HUDSON: Okay. I go to the breakfast room and I go around schmoozing trying to figure out who the team members should be.

NICK: Cool. You have a couple of options as far as team members. I’m gonna give you three, and then if you think up another type of archetype that you would like here you can throw one in. There’s a Kaminoan eating alone. They’re wearing a tanktop and board shorts. The Kaminoans are the really long necked aliens that made the clones on that rainy storm planet. They have like a bobble head. It’s a female Kaminoan, and she has a streak of zinc across her nose. She looks very beach prepared. She’s extremely tall. You also see a very brawny Human with blonde hair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and black shorts, and he has a blonde pompadour combed back and is extremely tan. He looks like he may work for the hotel but it’s his day off. Then, you also see a Herglic which are the big whale people. This one has an orca pattern so it’s black and white spotted. It looks like a street shark from that old cartoon. The Herglic is eating just a ginormous plate of synthetic eggs. That’s the three people that stand out first. Do you see anyone else that draws your attention?

HUDSON: Yes. I see Web-Web.

NICK: Oh god… (laughter) That’s a curveball.

HUDSON: You could allow it or disallow it. It’s up to you.

NICK: I’ll have Web-Web show up. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know why Web-Web’s there… We’ll figure it out.

CAMERON: Web-Web needed a break. Web-Web had a rough time.

NICK: It’s gonna take you a light side point for Web-Web to be there, though.

HUDSON: Let’s do it! (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re looking around, and towards the back you see Web-Web who is a blue Gungan with red eyes. Web-Web is wearing vacation gear. They seem very stiff, and you can see peeking out from under their… we’ll say they’re wearing a tankini, you can see heavy bandages across their torso and one that runs up their neck, because you’ll remember they got the shit shot out of them like three days ago. Oh no, wait, it’s been longer than that. It’s been at least a week, right?

LAURA: I mean, usually if you get the shit shot out of you that’s like septic, you know, it gets infected and—

NICK: Boo~!

LAURA: Oaahhh.

(laughter)

NICK: Why did you make whale noises?!

LAURA: I don’t know! I’m so tired. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, so Web-Web is there. I think it’s been…

CAMERON: After we rescued Tink we sold our stuff…

NICK: You spent a day on the planet.

CAMERON: …a day on the planet selling our stuff and wrapping things up, then Xianna getting laid, and then a day travel, and then hung out with Val…

NICK: The whole Val thing took two or three days.

CAMERON: So it’s maybe been like five days.

NICK: We’ll say five days. You probably saw Web-Web about five days ago, and they got shot up pretty bad. They look pretty stiff, but they’re sitting there, they’re eating a nice breakfast with beans and sausage – it’s an English breakfast, why not – and you are able to approach Web-Web with little difficulty.

HUDSON: “Hey, Noob-Noob!”

NICK: “Um… It’s Web-Web, actually.”

HUDSON: “Oh, sorry.”

NICK: “Why… What are you doing here?”

HUDSON: “Oh. I’m on vacation.”

NICK: “Right, kind of like you were on ‘vacation’ on Engebo 5?”

HUDSON: “Nooo, that wasn’t vacation, that was work. Vacation isn’t work.”

NICK: “Well, I’m also on vacation right now, seeing as I’m still recovering from some pretty traumatic injuries. Do you know how much of you will get burned if you climb out of a Mon Cal cruiser through its reactor core? A lot.”

HUDSON: “You didn’t let me answer, but I’ll take your word for it.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “it’s a lot? Alright.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “Well, I have quite the opportunity for you.”

NICK: “Oh boy.”

HUDSON: “I have a beach volleyball team, and I have specially selected you, Wub-Web…”

NICK: “Close.”

HUDSON: “…to join my volleyball team.”

NICK: Roll me a Charm check?

HUDSON: Oh no…

(laughter)

NICK: How charming is Tink?

HUDSON: Two green.

NICK: hey, okay. This is gonna be a hard check, so that’s three purples, because Web-Web is not particularly predisposed to like you. You could flip a light side point if you wanted to upgrade one of those.

HUDSON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Web-Web rolls their eyes at you. Sorry, I’m still processing through all the implications of having this murderous assassin person on the vacation planet with you. Web-Web rolls their eyes and says, “You know, as fun as that sounds, they had to put a lot of my insides back inside after that last time we got together. I’m just really not feeling up to it. The good news is since you didn’t get any threats I’m not gonna start my own team and kick your ass, so that’s a benefit, but I’m gonna have to pass.” So, your options now are you can try and bribe them into joining or you can go try to find some other teammates.

HUDSON: I don’t need them on that badly. I’m gonna not bribe. “Well, good travels to you. Enjoy your vacation… um, (labored) Web-Web.”

NICK: “Hey… That’s pretty good. I don’t know how much head trauma you sustained, but since you seem to mostly do your work with your Intelligence I hope that smarts of yours comes back.”

HUDSON: “Uh, you know, maybe it never left. We’ll see.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Tell you what, even if that whole situation did go kinda topsy-turvy there at the end, I’ll come cheer your team on. What’s your team name?”

HUDSON: “Our team name is XD_SpikeIt_XD, you know, to make it that next level of hardcore.”

NICK: “You pronounced an exclamation mark. Is there an exclamation mark in there?”

HUDSON: “No. When you put the XD’s around it you gotta put a little bit of emphasis.”

NICK: “Oh, okay. Great. Well, that’s an original name to be sure. I’ll definitely come out if you make it past the first round. I’m gonna finish my breakfast and probably drink some mimosas, but I’ll swing by.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “Thank you so much, Web-Web.”

NICK: “Oh, you’re welcome.” You look around and you see that most of the people at breakfast who would probably be interested in this activity have been snapped up and are standing in groups around. You do see some very set piece bland Humans that you could invite, but that’s kind of your options right now.

HUDSON: So none of the people you listed earlier are available??

NICK: No. They’re all on other teams.

HUDSON: (laughs) Great.

NICK: Some of them are putting captain stars on their tanktops and Hawaiian shirts, so their teams may have gotten stronger having recruited them.

HUDSON: “Who wants the chance to make a name for themselves on my volleyball team?!”

NICK: A guy with clear blonde hair and kind of grayish skin, who kind of looks like a CG model that they didn’t add any details to, walks up and says, “Oh hey, uh, my massage isn’t until 3 PM and I don’t have anything going on. I can join your team.”

HUDSON: “Alright! What’s your skillset?”

NICK: “Um… I’m pretty average at things. I’m an accountant, but sometimes I run for exercise in my spare time.”

HUDSON: “Good enough!”

NICK: “Great. Do you wanna know my name?”

HUDSON: “No!”

NICK: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “You’re good. You’re gonna be… I gotta get two more teammates, so I need One and Two, so you’re gonna be Juan.”

NICK: ‘Uh, I’m Juan?”

HUDSON: ‘Yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s John, so you could just call me John.”

HUDSON: “I like Juan better.”

NICK: “That’s kind of messed up, dude.”

HUDSON: “Okay. You’re John. Sure.”

NICK: “Okay thanks. It’s cool that you’re calling me by my own name.” You’re having that conversation, and you look around, and the breakfast room has completely emptied out. They’re all gone. Breakfast has closed. It’s just you two standing there, and you realize you’re a person down. You don’t have enough people for the team.

HUDSON: Is there any race in Star Wars that’s invisible?

(laughter)

NICK: Tink asks out loud.

LAURA: Sometimes the Night Sisters, but only sometimes, they have to like do a ritual thing.

NICK: As you’re panicking and you’re looking around you feel a limp slap on the small of your back. You turn around and you don’t see anyone, and you look down and see a very peculiar species. It’s kind of fish looking, and… I’m gonna try my best to describe this. It’s kind of fish looking. It’s got a rounded head. It’s probably only about 1 meter tall. It’s extremely short. It has a water collar around its gills with a translator built in. you can see that. It’s wearing a fanny pack. It’s a pale scaled kind of color and has a red tummy, and it has a mouth that opens and closes like Beaker when it talks, but you can’t hear that part because it’s not underwater, so all the words come out of the translator. Oh, and it has flippers instead of arms, and… it’s wearing Crocs. (laughs) “I’ve always wanted to play volleyball.”

HUDSON: “I like your translator. Is that a TX1000?”

NICK: “It’s actually the 1020. You have to get the waterproof feature because of the gills.”

HUDSON: “Oh, that makes sense. Say no more, you’re on the team.”

NICK: “Great. Um… That went better than I—“

HUDSON: “I said say no more!”

NICK: “Okay. That’s fine… Uh, cool.”

HUDSON: “Your name is Talouse.”

NICK: “No, my name’s Nugget actually. That’s fine. I’m excited to play volleyball.” It goes to shake your hand and ends up poking you in the knee with its flipper. They seem very uncoordinated. They look like this.

HUDSON: Oh geez.

LAURA: But less shark, more piranha.

NICK: Less shark, more piranha.

CAMERON: (chuckles nervously)

LAURA: Oh, Nugget…

NICK: They turn to go to the lobby and you see that they have a stepladder about the size of them strapped to their back. You appear to have created your team. So, you write Nugget down on the sheet and you’re good to turn it in. Yeah, so you  have the blandest person that could possibly exist and a… small fish person.

LAURA: Captain Placeholder.

NICK: “How’d you know my last name was Placeholder?”

HUDSON: “Oh, THE John Placeholder?” Nope, I’m not going into that.

NICK: “Actually, my last name is dotSample.” Heh.

HUDSON: Oh, I need to turn in my sheet, don’t I?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: So, I walk over and I proudly hand the sheet over, but then I grab it real quick. “I’m having second thoughts about the name. Just a second.” I bring it over and I cross out SpikeIt and change it to Rawr.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: And then I turn it in.

NICK: “Oh! Thank you for entering. You’re actually the last team. We were about to cut off registration. Is this XD_Rawr_XD?” (pronouncing as if it’s all one word)

HUDSON: “You have to just say Rawr with an inflection. The XD’s are implied but silent.”

NICK: “Oh, so the team name is (silly) Rawr~!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yes!” (laughs)

NICK: I didn’t like doing that.

(laughter)

LAURA: It was great to hear.

CAMERON: Yeah. You have to do that forever now.

NICK: I know, but I’m not happy about it.

CAMERON: And you know what? We’re never leaving this planet. This volleyball tournament is gonna go on forever.

NICK: You’re gonna level up and then join the master bracket.

LAURA: This is where we live now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. So, you are registered. You’re actually the second team to go. They have a couple of volleyball courts in the beach right across the little boardwalk from the hotel, you can see it from the front door. How do you all meet up?

CAMERON: I probably run into Tink in the lobby right after he’s turned in the form, because I’m hiking back from the parking lot.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”

CAMERON: “Hi!”

HUDSON: “Wanna meet the rest of your teammates?”

CAMERON: “Sure? Is it more than just the four of us?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, there has to be a team of six.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Great.”

NICK: “Hi. I’m John Placeholder. Nice to meet you.”

HUDSON: No, you were something else.

LAURA: No, Placeholder works. It’s a noun-verb, place and a holder.

NICK: Yeah, noun-holder.

CAMERON: Yup, John Placeholder. Okay~

LAURA: That’s a Star Wars name!

NICK: “My name’s John Placeholder. I’m an accountant with Kuat Shipyards. Hi… Uh, this is my first vacation in several years and I’m excited to make new friends.”

CAMERON: “Nice to meet you, John!”

HUDSON: “A little longwinded. Let’s go to Nugget.”

NICK: “Uh, hi, I’m Nugget. Sometimes I’m too talkative, kinda like John here, heheh, but you’ll tell me I’m sure if that’s the case. I’m very excited to play basket—err, volleyball, err, sports. I am exactly 1 meter tall. That’s a fun fact about me. I’m assuming we’re doing ice breakers. My pronouns are fish and fosh in case you need to do that, but my name’s Nugget, it’s pretty easy to refer to, and uh… I’m talking a lot. Anyway. This hairy guy said I can be on your team, and I’m excited to be here, kinda like John but more like, woo!”

CAMERON: “Well, we’re very excited to have you, Nugget, and I very much appreciate you providing your pronouns.”

NICK: “Oh, I’m just, uh, he/him. I’m… I don’t know, how bland can I go? I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: That’s a good fun fact.”

NICK: “That’s my fun fact, icebreaker.”

LAURA: (giggles)

(laughter)

NICK: That’s what it took to break Laura.

LAURA: I just love the idea of somebody being like, ‘Hi, my name’s John… I like triscuits.’

(laughter)

NICK: I’m gonna use that at the next corporate meeting.

LAURA: As if people don’t like triscuits.

CAMERON: My fun fact, one thing that no one knows about me is that I like triscuits.

NICK: I think at this point we get Xianna stumbling into the lobby with HK kind of supporting her a little bit.

LAURA: Oh, definitely too-big sunglasses and two cups of coffee as well. Yes. Seems about right.

NICK: HK drags Xianna over to the group. We get Xianna trying to bring the coffee cup to her lips but HK has her by the elbow so she’s being led towards the coffee cup trying to drink the sustaining bean water.

LAURA: Yeah, and she’s so tired she doesn’t realize that she has another cup in the other hand and just keeps trying to get that particular cup of caf.

NICK: “Greeting: Good morning. I have brought Xianna to the scheduled teambuilding activity.”

LAURA: (groggy) “What are we doing?”

CAMERON: “We’re playing volleyball~”

LAURA: “Shit. Why?” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yay~ HK, thank you.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, this is John. He likes triscuits.”

NICK: “Hi, I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: “And this is Nugget. Fish is exactly 1 meter tall.”

NICK: “Hi, I’m Nugget, and I’m really excited to play volleyball with you, and I really like your lekku tattoos. I was thinking about getting a tattoo on this vacation because I thought that it would be a really cool way to commemorate making new friends, but then I wasn’t going to because I was worried I wasn’t going to make new friends, but now I’m going to make new friends because we’re gonna win this volleyball tournament (suddenly aggressive) even if it kills us, (return to pleasant) and it’s gonna be so great, and I’m just really excited to meet you all… and another fun fact is I have this stepladder because sometimes I need to reach things that are tall, and the way my legs are shaped – which are kind of like chicken legs – I can’t jump really well, so this stepstool helps me overcome that inconvenience.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

LAURA: Xianna’s just kind of nodding along with that. “Oh thank you. I have other tattoos as well.” She turns around to the side, and still trying to hold the cup, pulls a little bit of the weird, strappy swimsuit down and there’s a tattoo in cursive Aurebesh that says Jacqueline, and then there’s a little line through it and underneath it says The Afternoon Delight. (laughter) Somebody, somewhere out there will get that reference.

NICK: I don’t get that reference.

LAURA: It’s not The Deep Search. It’s the Afternoon Delight. It’s a Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou joke. Heh.

CAMERON: (staggered exhale)

NICK: I haven’t seen that movie in so long.

LAURA: The little submarine is called The Jacqueline but with a line through it, and then The Deep Search underneath it, because the Jacqueline was his ex-wife.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: I also think it’s funny that somehow, within a week, she’s went and got a tattoo and no one noticed. (laughs)

CAMERON: She already has a tattoo. (laughs)

NICK: Oh yeah. Well, it’s been a solid month at this point.

LAURA: Yeah, but a solid month of doing things constantly.

CAMERON: And being on a ship.

LAURA: And being on a ship! Where did she get this tattoo? She probably, while pulling the strap of the swimsuit down, definitely spills coffee on the floor and just doesn’t do anything.

NICK: “Hey, it looks like you spilled some coffee. That actually reminds me of a funny story. There was this time where I got coffee for some of my friends and I brought them all back, and it was pretty expensive because we were kind of at a place like this, and then they were all gone, and it turns out they had left, but then I dropped the coffee because I was sad and I don’t have fingers and it spilled everywhere, and that’s kind of like this except you’re not gonna leave me because we have to win at volleyball.”

CAMERON: “Very true, Nugget.”

LAURA: “True, very true.”

HUDSON: (bothered) “You talk a lot.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Do you do impact? I talk a lot when I get on impact as well, which if we’re going to play volleyball, uh… I did bring my bag with me, right?!”

CAMERON: HK has it slung over his shoulder.

NICK: HK definitely has the extra-large beach bag.

LAURA: “Oh, thank you, Hank. I think I might die without that.”

NICK: “Ha, impact, that’s funny. You know, my friends, the ones that abandoned me, I used to always tell them I’m impact on life… Heh-heh. This is just kind of how I am, actually. I’m really excited to be here and you all seem great.”

There’s a beat of pause, and John Placeholder speaks up. “You know, actually, the same thing happened to me once. I got sent to go get coffee and people left me on a planet with the bill.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that one I could see. You are very forgettable.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We need to get y’all to the place where you are the person sending someone to go get coffee. Y’all deserve to have coffee brought to you.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s a great idea. Hey big hairy fella, could you go get me some coffee?”

HUDSON: “No.”

CAMERON: “His name’s Tink.”

NICK: “Oh. Well, we didn’t finish the icebreaker, so… Tink, what’s one fun fact about you? Heheh.”

HUDSON: “I don’t like getting people coffee.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s real fun. That’s great.”

LAURA: “Tink, you have certainly gotten me coffee many times.”

NICK: “Great. Yeah, that’s not aggressive at all. I was just trying to follow the advice. What about the rest of you?”

LAURA: “Um, as you just saw, I have more than one tattoo, outside of the cultural lekku tattoos. I used to date someone named Jacqueline. I no longer date someone named Jacqueline. I am very tired.”

HUDSON: “Does that have anything to do with the tattoo on you?”

LAURA: “Which part? Me being tired?”

HUDSON: “No, the Jacqueline.”

LAURA: “Oh. I got the tattoo while dating her, actually after dating her. I thought it might get her to start dating me again. It didn’t, heh, so now it has a line through it and says The Afternoon Delight underneath it.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s really interesting, but I was just wondering, so like are you dating someone named Afternoon Delight now?”

LAURA: “No. That is just the name of the ship I am on. Also, it is a funny sex pun.”

NICK: “Oh, I get it.” Fish does not get it.

LAURA: “I’m not entirely sure if I am dating someone right now? Maybe? Who knows, I certainly don’t. Heh.”

CAMERON: “You’re at least seeing someone.”

LAURA: “I’m at least going on dates with someone.”

CAMERON: “Because you had drinks first, so it was a date.”

LAURA: “We did have drinks, and I knew her name, so a date.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah. That was the other requirement. I forgot about that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s really interesting. Thank you for sharing with the group. What did you say your name was? I think I missed it. And I need you all to introduce yourselves so I can refer to you by name and not have an awkward pause later.”

LAURA: “Oh, I am Xianna.”

NICK: “Very pleasant to meet you. I’ve turned into Kermit the Frog.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘Why is there so many songs…’

NICK: ‘…about turbo lasers.’

LAURA: Xianna kinda stops, like ‘I just gave my real name… Oops.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) ‘Sheet!’

LAURA: “Forget I said that. My name is, uh, Seela. That is my name, Seela, yes.”

NICK: “Hey, it’s okay Xianna, you know what they say, what happens on Sesid stays on Sesid.”

LAURA: “I mean, they say that about a lot of planets and it’s really never true.”

NICK: “I guess it depends on the amount of evil Empire occupation. Oops, did I say that out loud? We should go play volley—Oh wait! You haven’t given me your fun fact. I like your big hat and your large sunglasses and I like the number of head tails that you have, because it’s more than two, and two is fine but I like more than two because I can only count to two on my flippers. Get it? Because I don’t have fingers? Ah-ha-ha.”

CAMERON: (giggles) Karma’s having flashbacks to when the twins were in the stage that they just kept a constant rambling, but it was two of them, so she’s very used to this.

NICK: Twins must be difficult.

CAMERON: Yup. “I’m Karma. I’m a mom…”

NICK: “That’s cool. Where are your kids?”

CAMERON: “Well, they’re grown up now, besides Tink.”

HUDSON: “I am not your child. Unless you want to start—“

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: “Yes you are. (forceful) Remember, Tink?”

CAMERON: (through gritted teeth) “You’re supposed to be nice to your moms.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah…”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I am also your mother.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Okay, mommy.”

LAURA: Ha!

NICK: “That got real weird.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I have had many people call me mommy.”

NICK: “Still weird.”

LAURA: “Don’t make it weird. You are making it weird.”

HUDSON: “You’re making it weird.”

NICK: “I’m an accountant.”

CAMERON: “You don’t have to call her mommy.”

LAURA: “Yeah. You don’t have to call me mommy. Also, don’t.”

NICK: “I don’t really know how to respond to that. The only reason I piped up is because I wanted to say as an accountant I’m legally required to tell you that falsifying hotel registrations is a Class 3 misdemeanor under Galactic Code 27164.123-ZetaBetaAlpha.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you are concerned that we possibly, maybe, kind of made a reference to hypothetically be not truthful for our hotel purchase, but you did not care about the illegal drugs?”

NICK: “I’m an accountant, so it’s very specific things…”

CAMERON: “I don’t see what being an accountant has to do with misdemeanors.”

NICK: “Because it messes with their financial documentation when they’re backtracking things. The Galactic Empire requires a certain amount of—“ He talks for probably a full minute.

LAURA: Xianna just stops him and puts her hand up. “Look. I have never once paid my taxes, so I have no idea what you are talking about.”

NICK: He looks like he’s about to throw up. “I think I should clarify that the reason I bring that up isn’t because I would say anything about it but that now that we’re teammates I care about your wellbeing financially, and that’s just a free tip that you probably shouldn’t do that. That’s all.”

CAMERON: “Speaking of teammates, I think it’s about time we headed to the court! Come on, everybody…!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay. Let’s go.”

NICK: “Admonishment: We are approximately nine and a half minutes late. At ten minutes we will forfeit.”

LAURA: (laughs) “Oh, okay, everyone go.”

HUDSON: “Run!”

CAMERON: “That is not the case, Hank. (laughs)”

NICK: “Wistful: I sure want to forfeit.”

LAURA: “Me too, Hank, me too.”

CAMERON: “But you’re so good at volleyball now, HK! Tink programmed you last night.”

NICK: I don’t think that happened.

CAMERON: I think it did. We mentioned it at least.

NICK: We get everybody running through the front doors. You can see that there are three volleyball courts taped out in the sand. They have the stakes with the ribbons that mark the out of bounds and everything and the nets have been raised. There is one group impatiently tapping their foot, and there’s a referee with a stopwatch, and as you run out onto the—I don’t want to say court…

HUDSON: It’s a volleyball court.

NICK: Sand?

CAMERON: The sand!

NICK: I guess it is, but… eh. The referee who is a Draedan wearing a black and white striped shirt and extremely short shorts blows a comically oversized whistle. “To everybody, if you could take your positions we’ll go ahead and get started. We don’t want everybody to wait on the next match.” I spent way too long creating volleyball rules for Edge of the Empire, which I will now explain.

Basically, everybody picks a position on the team, like a function that they will perform. Each function works off of different stats. Everybody will roll for theirs. The three NPCs you will assign positions, they will modify other people’s rolls based on where you put them.

HUDSON: There’s three NPCs? Oh, okay, I see.

CAMERON: HK, John, and Nugget.

NICK: You’ve got HK, you’ve got Nugget, and you’ve got John Placeholder. So, the positions that you can be: There are two hitters, and they’ll roll Athletics, they’re like the ones that spike the ball. There are two setters, they roll Coordination, they’re the ones who have to move around and be defensive. There is a defensive specialist that rolls Leadership and based on that can boost other people’s rolls, and then there is a blocker that would roll Resilience. As a group, you need to decide what position everyone’s going to play for the first game.

HUDSON: Which one is the Coordination one?

NICK: Coordination is the setters.

HUDSON: I’d like to be a setter, because I have like 4 or 5 in Coordination.

NICK: Really?!

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Why?!

HUDSON: For times like this, Nick.

NICK: (laughs) ‘I was preparing for volleyball!’

LAURA: What were the first ones?

NICK: Hitters roll Athletics, setters roll Coordination, defensive specialist rolls Leadership, and blocker rolls Resilience. The total successes that everyone will get in their positions will add up to a total that you need to beat the other team.

LAURA: I do have one level of Stalker and my Agility is high enough, and Xianna will almost certainly get a little help in a second, so that will be bumped up even more.

CAMERON: Do you want to do the other Coordination, because then you get your blue die?

LAURA: Yes, so I’ll do that.

NICK: Then, if you win the first match you’ll be able to reassign people to be more successful in the future. One challenge of this is you don’t know the stats of the other people, so based on how they’ve acted you have to assign them to things.

CAMERON: Do we know HK’s Brawn? I got a full rundown of his specs previously.

NICK: Yeah, he’s a 2. He’s now particularly brawny. You get the impression of HK that he is super agile as far as restrained motion and movement but not graceful, because I got a little power gamey when I made him and I didn’t put stuff in stats I thought were not important at the time.

HUDSON: I’m designated trash talker.

CAMERON: Noted.

LAURA: I have Jump Up…?

CAMERON: … Okay.

NICK: It’s almost like this team was not spec’d to be good at volleyball.

LAURA: Xianna just didn’t grow up with organized sports. Sorry. It’s almost like her planet is sort of a disaster right now, and for a long time.

CAMERON: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that HK’s not gonna be the best at Leadership. Does everybody else support that?

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: Correct.

NICK: He’s not as bad as you would think. He’s not good.

CAMERON: Yeah, but his Presence isn’t great. I don’t think he’s skilled in it.

NICK: He has a 2 in Presence.

CAMERON: That’s not bad actually.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: I’m gonna nominate Nugget for the Leadership one. Nugget seems inspiring.

NICK: Nugget is the defensive specialist. Tink is a setter.

CAMERON: Xianna’s the other setter.

NICK: You need two hitters and a blocker. The two hitters are doing Athletics. The blocker would be doing Resilience.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna be the best at both of those. She has a 3 in Brawn, which is more than HK and it’s gonna be more than John. John introduced himself as an average Human which means he has a 2 Brawn.

NICK: Metagaming alert! Wee-woo, wee-woo.

(laughter)

CAMERON: I paid attention in stats. So, I would say we put HK in Resilience and then do Karma and John in the Athletics ones, because Karma has 2 ranks in Athletics, so then at least one person there has the chance to be good. Does everybody support that plan?

NICK: Does everybody agree with this statistic plan?

HUDSON: Yes I do.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: I think with the way that conversation went out we get a brief moment, while the ref is talking to the other team about the rules, of Karma looking at everyone and Tink and Xianna going ‘we’ll do the setting’ and then Karma going ‘hmm…’ just looking at the teammates she has left. (labored thinking noise) ‘Okay, me and John will be up front.’

CAMERON: Doing it in a very supportive mom way, though. Kind of like how I said, “I think Nugget would be very good at being a defensive person and inspiring the team.”

NICK: “You know, that’s so funny. I actually take feedback pretty well so you don’t have to worry. Just a little joke. I’ll support the team the best I can.”

CAMERON: “That just seems like a perfect role for you. John, why don’t you be a hitter with me, and then HK can be a blocker because you’re a sturdy dude.”

LAURA: ‘He is made of metal.”

NICK: “Realization: We ran out of slots, didn’t we?”

CAMERON: “What do you mean?”

LAURA: “Huh?”

NICK: “I was the last choice.”

CAMERON: “No. I just happened to say yours last, but I had great plans for you. I know you can do this, HK.”

NICK: He just kind of shuffles over up front and middle like he’s going to try to block.

CAMERON: “HK, I need you to strike fear into the heart of our enemies.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Without shooting them. No violence, please.”

NICK: The shoulders slump a little bit.

CAMERON: “I’m sorry buddy. I will try to find you someone to violence.”

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna need rolls from everybody. Karma, you do just a straight Athletics check. John neither adds nor subtracts from positions that he assists in, but you do have a black die. I’ll explain that in a minute. Setters, Tink and Xianna, you can just roll straight Coordination. Xianna, did you do drugs?

LAURA: Not yet! I haven’t weaved it in narratively.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: But I will. I’ve already marked it on my sheet.

NICK: If you’re going to then you can roll with your increased stat.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It will be average. HK will be rolling Resilience. Basically, everybody roll your stats at average difficulty with a black die.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: What just happened?

NICK: (laughs) Karma, how did you do?

CAMERON: Karma got a success and a triumph.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna got two failures, but four advantages.

NICK: Interesting.

HUDSON: I have an advantage.

NICK: Oh gosh.

CAMERON: You said HK would just be straight Brawn?

NICK: His would be Resilience, so it’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Oh, he’s skilled in Resilience?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Ooh~

CAMERON: Hey!

NICK: And he doesn’t have the black die, because he does not care.

CAMERON: Oh… Okay. (laughs) No, that’s just a straight wash.

HUDSON: Not a good first hit.

CAMERON: Do I need to roll for Nugget?

NICK: Yeah, we’ll give Nugget a roll.

CAMERON: Fish is in a slot of their own?

NICK: Nugget is three greens.

HUDSON: This is Round 1 of volleyball, right, or is this the whole game?

NICK: This is Round 1.

CAMERON: Fish has the black die?

NICK: No, fish does not have the black die.

CAMERON: Fish does not have a black die…

HUDSON: If we win the tournament, how many teams do we have to go through?

LAURA: There’s another school! With more teams! And we just keep going!

CAMERON: But we get new uniforms.

LAURA: Yeah, and they’re skimpier each time!

CAMERON: Nugget got a success and a threat.

NICK: So, here’s the thing. The way this is gonna work is you needed a certain amount of successes as a group to win, right? You have zero successes.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Nuh-uh. I had one.

NICK: You had one, Nugget had one, Xianna had two failures.

LAURA: Yep.

CAMERON: Xianna… (laughs)

NICK: But you have five advantages.

CAMERON: And a triumph.

HUDSON: So we actually do win.

LAURA: The other team forfeits.

NICK: So what we’ll say is…

CAMERON: The other team all falls and breaks their arm.

HUDSON: They get explosive diarrhea on the court.

LAURA: We’re a wildcard.

NICK: (smiling) Let me do this. So, because it’s the first round it’s not a pretty game. We have a montage of shots where they go up to spike it and HK is clearly doing ballistics calculations and moving to the spot he needs to be as you hit the ball over, and he jumps, and every time the ball hits him in the face.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: His arms are up but they’re kind of spindly, and just (clang) and he falls down, and gets up, and at some point you hear him start to say, “Expletive: …” and then grumbling really quietly to himself. He blocks a lot of them. Karma is able to get some pretty good spikes in including one that hits somebody in the face and bruises their eye pretty good. Tink isn’t able to help a ton, but he doesn’t make any errors. Xianna runs into Tink several times.

LAURA: Xianna has no idea how to play, and I bet even at one point she just straight up walks off the court to go take impact and then comes back, and she’s confused why that gave them a penalty or something.

CAMERON: It didn’t occur to us that Xianna wouldn’t know the rules, and she never asked.

LAURA: Xianna at one point goes “I don’t know the rules. Does anyone else know the rules?” (laughs)

NICK: Xianna at one point caught the ball and tried to throw it back and the ref called it dead, and Xianna’s like ‘what?!’

LAURA: “What?! I don’t understand the rules and no one told me!” (whiney)

CAMERON: “It was a fly ball.” (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t know what that means!”

CAMERON: ‘They’re out, right? That’s a field goal?’

LAURA: “Do we kick it?”

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You end up losing in the final set of this volleyball tournament. It’s not really close. You win a couple of sets just due to them not being particularly good at this, but as the game is done you all have to meet at the net and shake hands with the other team. The referee says, “Great, and on to the next round. Only four more to go until the championship!”

The people on the other side look like a family of Humans with older kids, and they all look at each other, and one of the players goes, “Uh, well… Actually, we’re gonna have to drop out, because we have a snorkeling expedition that leaves in like an hour, so we’re done. Thanks for playing, guys~”

They walk off and the referee looks kind of confused, and says “Okay… Well, it looks like Rawr~ has won due to forfeit.”

CAMERON: “Woo!”

HUDSON: “We rocked it! Yeah!”

CAMERON: Karma gives double high-fives to everybody.

HUDSON: (joyous falsetto) “We did it! We did it~!”

NICK: Nugget unfolds their stepladder and climbs up, and you get the wet (squelch) noise of high-fiving them.

CAMERON: Great.

HUDSON: “Why didn’t you use that stepladder the whole game?”

CAMERON: “It kind of limits fish’s movements.”

NICK: “Well, so, I was going to use the stepladder but then Xianna kept cheating in various ways and I thought that the referee wouldn’t really appreciate it, like—“

LAURA: “Wait, was I cheating?! I honestly do not know. Someone should explain the rules to me.”

NICK: “I don’t know if impact counts as a performance enhancing drug per se, but it’s probably at least frowned upon by the conference.”

LAURA: “I mean, probably, it is illegal.”

NICK: “That reminds me of this one time where I had my stepstool and I tried to go get a book off the top shelf but the shelf was too tall, so then I tried to climb the shelf, but my flippers were too slippery because it was on my home planet, and so it was really humid, and when I tried to climb up my flippers slipped off and I fell and I landed on my stepstool and I broke it. This is actually my third stepstool.”

CAMERON: “Aww. That’s terrible.”

LAURA: “How high up were you?”

NICK: “Like, 1.5 meters.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Not as high as Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh…”

NICK: “That’s a good joke, Tink.”

LAURA: ‘I have climbed much higher bookcases.”

NICK: “I feel like we’re gonna be really good friends due to our mutual love of climbing things, and also it’s cool that you’re such a free spirit, and I think that you’re great.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you.”

NICK: “Great, so—“

HUDSON: “That’s enough from you.”

LAURA: ‘No!”

CAMERON: “No! That’s so rude!”

NICK: “That’s extremely dismissive, Tink.”

LAURA: “Fosh can keep talking if fosh wants to. You are very cute.”

NICK: “Thanks. That’s really good. Um, also Tink, you can talk mean to me if you like, that’s okay.” And we’re gonna get a quick swipe there before I have to elaborate on that.

(laughter)

LAURA: Xianna’s nodding and smiling in the background.

NICK: You all sit on some bleachers waiting for the next round to end and the team comes up again. Everybody, I need you to describe one player on the second round team. This is a team that has won a game already.

LAURA: Oh. What’s the snake person one? It’s one of Leia’s friends in Leia, Princess of Alderaan, like a snake species that don’t have hands. I want one of them to be that. I forgot what her friend’s name was.

NICK: A Sluissi?

LAURA: Sounds right.

NICK: They have arms.

LAURA: Oh. Well, maybe it has arms. I just remember that it was a snake and it definitely doesn’t have legs, because it slithers around.

NICK: Bristol snake?

LAURA: That doesn’t sound right, but…

NICK: There’s just pictures of snakes. We’ll go with Sluissi. They’re just the snake people from D&D.

HUDSON: So, across the court as the team comes out, I see some of the people and one definitely catches my eye. He’s about as tall as I am, it’s a Gigoran who has white fur, about the same height as me. I find out from the roster sheet their name is Tonk. (laughter) Looks really similar to me, like super similar, like facial structure, they even have the same translator box.

NICK: Huh… Interesting.

HUDSON: (laughing) I like throwing you off.

NICK: (smiling) You did hit me with like three curveballs. I like it. They have a Gigoran. You also see as they walk out onto the volleyball court the Gigoran, Tonk, quickly tucks an outlaw data breaker into their fanny pack.

HUDSON: Under my breath I go, “He’s a slicer.”

CAMERON: Walking next to Tonk the Gigoran  is a Nautolan woman…

(laughter)

HUDSON: No~! Yes, okay, this is great actually.

CAMERON: …but she’s wearing a PURPLE headband.

NICK: What’s her name?

CAMERON: It’s Korma.

NICK: So, then obviously there’s a yellow Twi’lek named Xionna, and Xianna you see as she steps out next to you she does a quick bump of what looks like glitterstim and smiles real bright at you. “Oh, hi, I don’t know the rules!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I do  not know the rules either. I took impact instead of glitterstim though. I have glitterstim. I don’t know why I said that, but…”

NICK: “I have some impact I’m not using. Maybe we can work out a trade later.”

LAURA: “Oh, that would actually be nice, because I do not use the glitterstim at all.”

NICK: “Well, the joke’s on you, because glitterstim gives you psychic powers. I don’t know why moving faster is gonna be better when I can move the ball (whispers) with my mind.”

LAURA: “I actually don’t think that is true. I think that is just like a rumor.”

CAMERON: Then walking up behind her silently is an assassin droid.

NICK: It’s the IG-88 model.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Then there’s a very bland looking Human woman named Joan.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: (laughs) And a small fish person named, uh… Strips.

NICK: A very small fish person named Strips… or Sticks?

HUDSON: Drips.

CAMERON: I was trying to use chicken nuggets and chicken strips.

NICK: Well, fish nuggets and fish sticks.

CAMERON: Okay, that is very true, so then sticks, yup, but it’s spelled with an X.

NICK: Stix, yeah, and they have a small repulser pad that they keep on their back. You line up to shake hands. Tonk the Gigoran says, “Oh hey, Gigoran. Did you get called a Wookie a lot since you’ve gotten here? That keeps happening to me.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That happens to me all the time.”

NICK: “Hey, we should exchange like Facebook profiles and like hang out online.”

HUDSON: “I’m not on Facebook. I’m on HackMD.”

NICK: “Oh, that’s funny, you probably tell people who don’t slice to go to HackMD because it’s a mark. That’s cool. I’ll send you my deep web ID. We’ll talk.”

HUDSON: “Yeah! Now you’re talking!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Then Nugget walks over to Stix who is more shark looking.

(Nugget, simultaneous with next speech) “Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen anyone from my planet in a long time. That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that repulser lift? I use this stepstool because a repulser lift, I use to have a repulser lift, but the repulser lift…”

(Stix, simultaneous with previous speech) “Oh hey, it’s another one of my species. That’s so cool. You know, I talk too much, but it’s cool to see someone else, and… you know, it’s okay to talk back, we should really have a two-way conversation, you know? Just because we’re on another team—“

And we’re gonna skip away from that conversation, because I can’t handle it. I’m the one doing it. That’s your opponent for the next round. End of episode~

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: (hums)

NICK: What have we done?

OTHERS: (singing) For the longest time!

NICK: (late) For the longest time!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 33 The Crew’s Last Resort

PDF download: Episode 33 The Crew’s Last Resort

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 33:
The Crew’s Last Resort

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, I want to thank MagicalGirlKyra for her very kind review. Thank you for telling people such nice things about our show and thank you for your constant support. Also, we have a new patron to thank! Zouron, thank you for becoming a patron. We are super pumped to have you join the squad. May the solar winds ever fill your sails.

One announcement this week: If you’re going to GenCon this year, Tabletop Squadron will be doing a panel! It will be Friday at 1 PM. Grab your tickets and come say hi as we talk about running a game and telling stories in pre-established canon. Also, even if you’re not doing GenCon specifically, we’re going to do some sort of hangout that weekend, so if you’re in the area we’ll hope that you’ll come see us and say hi. More information on that will be forthcoming as we get closer to the event.

Music this week is Bassa Island Game Loop, By Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin Macleod, of Incompetech.com Licensed under creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 33 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m Nick, your host… and… game master. Gonna take it a little slower… No we’re not. We’re gonna take the exact same normal speed that we do for these introductions. So everybody, we’ll go around the table, say who you are and what character you are playing today. First up we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi everyone. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a slicer who’s a Gigoran named Tink. Switch it up a little.

NICK: Oh man. That’s gonna wreck my mess.

HUDSON: (laughs) What?

NICK: I don’t know. (laughs) Up next, we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: See, she kept to the format, and now I am comfortable.

LAURA: See! I know the rules!

HUDSON: I… I didn’t know there was this unspoken rule.

NICK: (smiling) Well, it’s not like we haven’t done it for 33 episodes or anything.

HUDSON: One time I said I was a car.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (laughing) That’s fair. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron. I am playing a bounty hunter named Karma Nailo who happens to be a Nautolan.

NICK: Mmm. Off to a bad start. (smiling) Okay! Before we get started with any recaps or anything, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side!

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Ha-ha… I probably—I wouldn’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. So, last time you all managed to meet with Sentinel. He said he would contact Valorissia and negotiate whatever was left to get her to join Beta Squad. He gave you a little bit of a preview into what your next big mission was, but first you had to head to the planet of Sesid to meet up with a crew that will help smuggle you to where you need to go. It just so happens to be some sort of resort planet, so you’ll maybe have some fun beach times while you wait for your ride. Oh, and there’s a loth-rat on the ship that has escaped into the walls. We also discovered that.

CAMERON: (laughs) But it’s not causing any damage.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: That we know of.

CAMERON: It’s friendly. We have a feeling… that it’s non-threatening.

HUDSON: (singing) …that tonight’s gonna be a good night~

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Yup. That’s it. Great. We’ll go ahead and jump right into it. The first thing we get is the Afternoon Delight taking a lazy arch down toward the planet of Sesid. It is a bright blue ball floating in the black curtain of space. It’s polka dotted with green and black like some being spattered it with a giant paintbrush. As you come in lower to the planet you see that these dots are various volcanic archipelagos and islands. An automated system welcomes you to the planet and gives you landing coordinates for Thrinaka, the main port town. As you come in to land you see a large column of smoke out in the ocean coming from a good sized volcano. As you land we get a sweeping shot of the space port and the port city beyond. All the buildings are made out of that thick California villa style stucco, and they have thatch rooves but they don’t really look like they’re structurally necessary. The space port is basically an open parking lot with a small shack that looks like a toll booth in the middle. There’s a board like an airport has with listings of ship names in parking spots hanging from the shack: from single seater fighters to space buses a little larger than the Afternoon Delight. The space port opens straight up onto a beach with gorgeous turquoise water lapping against white sand. Small trails of sand are scattered over the landing area as well. What do you do?

CAMERON: Land the ship.

NICK: Great. (landing noises) Ship’s landed.

HUDSON: I put on my swimsuit!

NICK: (laughs) Oh gosh. Okay, so you get dressed for your beach adventure, I guess?

CAMERON: Yup!

NICK: Alright. Everybody tell me what their beach adventure outfit is.

LAURA: Xianna already put together the bags, and she put the bags out in front of everyone’s rooms for them to find.

NICK: Oh gosh. So, I guess we’ll start with Xianna since you picked bathing suits.

LAURA: Xianna has one of those strappy, black one-piece swimsuits that has no business being a one-piece because it’s so many pieces and so many straps that it doesn’t make any logistical sense, and you’re not really sure how some of the straps are connecting but they are, and you’re not sure how any of them are staying in place but they are.

NICK: Nice. Yeah, that tracks.

LAURA: And she has a gigantic, floppy beach hat probably made of straw or woven material, and flip-flops.

NICK: Great. I think we get a shot of Tink opening up his bag to see what the bathing suit presented to him is. He is not required to put it on, but what did you give Tink?

LAURA: Ooh. I think I gave Tink one of those very old-timey swimsuits that’s just a straight up shirt and shorts and it’s got the little sailor bow.

CAMERON: And it has a matching hat.

LAURA: It’s the only one I found in your size.

HUDSON: I’ll take it!

NICK: Okay. Are you fine with that outfit for the duration of this, or for the first part anyway?

HUDSON: Yes, absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You have an old-timey sailor suit and matching hat. What did you give Karma in her bag?

LAURA: I found Karma a very sensible gold one-piece with a matching beach hat and oversized sunglasses, and a very large beach bag that has lots and lots of pockets in it.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: It is the mom bag. Everyone knows what I’m talking about.

CAMERON: (smiling) yes.

LAURA: There’s pockets on the outside. There’s sections on it specifically to put water bottles in. It’s giant.

NICK: Great. Cameron, does that outfit look work for you?

CAMERON: Yes, except I want it to be a tankini.

NICK: A tankini?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: What is that?

CAMERON: It’s like a two-piece, but instead of a bikini where it’s just covering your boobs it covers your stomach as well, so it’s essentially a one-piece but there’s very slight midriff in the middle and it’s two separate pieces. It just shouts ‘mom’ to me.

NICK: Okay, so it’s a gold tankini, and then giant mom bag.

CAMERON: Giant mom bag, matching hat, big old sunglasses, and she adds a crocheted swimsuit cover.

HUDSON: Are you wearing any kind of feet protection?

CAMERON: Uh… Crocs.

NICK: Ew! (seethes)

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m wearing none.

LAURA: Xianna tried to hide the Crocs…

CAMERON: Karma found them.

LAURA: …but she found them.

NICK: They were stuck in a sound damper somewhere in the wall.

CAMERON: They’re great water shoes.

NICK: (groans) Normally I don’t care. I don’t know why that one hit me so hard.

CAMERON: When you’re chasing after children, being able to strap your sandal on is very useful, and you don’t care if they get all gross and nasty and sandy.

NICK: That’s fair.

HUDSON: Outside of character, my grandma calls them thongs.

LAURA & CAMERON: Flip-flops?

NICK: I know people who call flip-flops thongs. Yeah. Egh… It can lead to some hilarious misunderstandings though. Is Tink wearing shoes?

HUDSON: No. He’s gonna do that thing where he doesn’t wear shoes then regrets it later when there’s concrete that’s really hot, and he has to go ‘ow-ow-ow’ and then run across.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Fair.

LAURA: Xianna didn’t find shoes that would fit you.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: He doesn’t normally wear shoes.

HUDSON: I don’t.

NICK: What is Xianna wearing on her feet?

LAURA: Flip-flops!

NICK: Does that work~?

LAURA: Yes. She still has the—

HUDSON: Oh-ho-ho…

LAURA: She lost the pinky inward not her big toe, so she still has some toes to put flip-flops in. (laughs)

CAMERON: So it’s fine!

NICK: I just need to check. We get this great shot of everybody walking down the halls and meeting by the exit ramp as it comes down and you all see each other.

HUDSON: “Let’s check into the hotel!”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “And then we get drinks.”

CAMERON: “Yes. Tink, remember you’re seven.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Yes. Oh, I meant… (pitched up) Uh-huh!”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Good job. This is gonna be great. I’m so excited. (seethes nervously)”

LAURA: (defeated) “It will probably not, but okay.”

HUDSON: “Mum. Mum. Mummy. Mum! Mum… Mum… Mum…”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “Tink…”

HUDSON: “… Can I have a popsicle?”

CAMERON: “You fucking ate all of them. (laughs) Sorry, you fricking ate all of them.”

LAURA: “No! You fucking ate all of them, Tink!” (laughter) “You ate like 2,000 popsicles! I do not understand how that even works.”

CAMERON: “Maybe when we get to the beach you can have a popsicle.”

HUDSON: “Mommy’s using curses~”

CAMERON: “… Yup.”

LAURA: (sighs)

NICK: Oh god. This bit is not gonna get old, at all.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Tink! Only do this around other people.”

HUDSON: “Okay mom.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

NICK: Okay. So, you head down the ramp—

CAMERON: What’s Hank wearing?

NICK: Hank is not wearing anything. (laughter) Hank is a droid.

HUDSON: Sunscreen?

CAMERON: We found him a floppy hat, and we put it on him!

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna found a small, sensible beach hat for Karma, but she found one in a color that goes well with Hank’s metal exterior.

NICK: Is it like the wide brim floppy hat or is it like the bucket hats that 80 year old men wear?

LAURA: She found the floppy hats, but just ones that only stick out a little bit from your head, not the gigantic ‘I’ve killed four husbands’ hats.

CAMERON: The ones that are still smaller than your shoulders.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. Fine. When you put that on him it’s like hanging something on a coatrack. There’s zero reaction.

CAMERON: But it has a tie, so we can tie it under his chin so it stays on, and it’s a big bow!

NICK: You tie it on. You want to throw some comically large sunglasses on him as well?

CAMERON: We try, but they don’t stay on well because his nose is just straight.

NICK: Yeah, he doesn’t have a nose. That’s true.

CAMERON: So, we try.

LAURA: Xianna is trying to get them, and then just puts them on herself. “Ugh. You should get ears installed, or just something so we can put sunglasses on you. It will be fun.”

NICK: “Answer: I do have antennae for hooking sunglasses upon. It is my lack of nose that is causing the issue.”

LAURA: “Oh, well I don’t know, sorry. Oops.”

HUDSON: “You mean you don’t nose?”

CAMERON: Ha-ha…

NICK: “Sarcasm: Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha… ha.” (laughing) And so you all exit the ship. The little shack that was in the middle of the parking lot slides open and a large aquatic humanoid walks over towards you. Can I get a Xenology check please?

CAMERON: Mmm…

HUDSON: I mean, you can, but…

LAURA: (goofily) You technically can. Is there a difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average. Really it should be harder than that, but I kind of want someone to get it right.

LAURA: One success, somehow.

NICK: Nice!

CAMERON: Two successes and two threats.

HUDSON: Can I try?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Wow! Okay. This person, you can tell that she is female, she is a Draedan, and some things you know about Draedans are they were—How many threats?

CAMERON: Two.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: They fall prone.

NICK: Heh. (half dramatic bass noise) No. She has green skin, red eyes, and needle-like sharp teeth. Think kind of like the monster from the Black Lagoon, but a slimmer modern reimagining, so kind of intimidating looking. Those of you with multiple successes, you would know that Draedans in general are fierce fighters and like to stick to large family groups. They’re usually known as really scary combat races, but this one is wearing a very much service industry style blue polo shirt that clashes with her skin and khaki capris. She walks over to you and says, “Well hello there, and welcome to Sesid! We’re so happy to have you with us today. We hope you enjoy your time on your island home away from home. The docking fee will be automatically charged to your accommodations. Please feel free to walk straight to the beach!” She gestures in all directions like a flight attendant, because you can see there’s literally beach all around you. She smiles at you, and you get a really good look at her very sharp, serrated, kind of shark teeth. “We hope you’ll enjoy our numerous tiki bars, our welcoming nightlife, and the peace of our pristine beaches, and relax in our guest lounges. Please reach out to your concierge with any questions.” She hands you a plastic communicator, or plasteel I guess, it’s like the things you get sometimes from various tour guides or things like that where it’s obviously disposable but sturdy enough that it will probably hold up. She just kind of smiles at you. It’s about 3 in the afternoon at this point.

CAMERON: “Thank you ever so much! Where would we check in?”

NICK: “We’ll have somebody take your bags to your rooms if you’d like. The main lobby is going to be about 200 yards that way.” She points down what looks like a boardwalk that was designed to look like it was locally made and kitschy, but the uneven boards—like every five boards the pattern repeats so it’s very clearly fabricated. “Just take our happy boardwalk to the lobby.”

HUDSON: “Happy boardwalk…”

CAMERON: “Heh, alright. Thank you!”

LAURA: “Can we get drinks while we are waiting? (groans)”

NICK: You look to the left and there is a tiki bar with another Draedan sitting there. Because you all are apparently intimately familiar with Draedans, this one is wearing the same service industry polo and khaki capris but is a male, he’s a little bigger, he’s got big old muscles, but he smiles at you. We’re gonna say that your threats, Karma, are that the smile—you know they’re smiling, but it just is innately unsettling to you. It looks very unwelcoming and scary. For Tink and Xianna who did not have threats, they’re smiling at you, they’re being welcoming and kind. He smiles at you and you see him pull out a shaker and start shaking something. One special rule for while you are on Sesid, I have this written in my notes here: literally every part of this planet has a tiki bar. If you want a tiki bar, just say there’s a tiki bar here and there will be a tiki bar.

(chuckling)

HUDSON: “Hey! Give me a Shirley Temple, hold the Temple.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I’m just kidding. Give me a Shirley Temple.”

NICK: “So you just want Sprite…?”

HUDSON: “No. I said I was joking. Give me Sprite with grenadine.”

NICK: “Okay…” He basically hands you a can and peels the top off, and they have pre-made Shirley Temples here. “There you go, large… person.”

HUDSON: “Hey. Respect my—I mean… I’m a kid.”

CAMERON: “You tell him, sweetie. You can stand up for yourself. That’s fine, Tink.”

HUDSON: “I-I can’t drinks yet.”

NICK: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Also, it’s very rude to point out his size.”

NICK: Did you bring your weapons with you?

CAMERON: My carbine is 100% in the bottom of my beach bag.

NICK: It would fit. We declared that it was very large.

LAURA: Oh, there’s no way Xianna’s fitting anything on her person currently, so she has a much smaller bag and it mostly just has drugs in it.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: I don’t have my vibro-axe.

NICK: Okay. if that’s the case, he won’t make a comment about your giant weapon. “Sorry for that. We don’t get a lot of… Wookies?”

HUDSON: “I’m a Gigoran!”

NICK: “Okay… Whatever.”

LAURA: “He is adopted.”

NICK: We get a montage of him making drinks for Tink, which they’re canned and ready to go. Xianna, do you get a beverage at the first tiki bar at the parking lot?

LAURA: Yes. She asks for the biggest drink they have, and I’m sure it’s in one of those yard long margarita glasses they have in Vegas and beach resorts.

NICK: Oh yeah. It’s an actual yard long one, not the ones they call yard long that are a foot and a half. It’s a three foot plastic tube shaped like, hmm, funny Star Wars thing… What’s the name of the instrument that the Biths use?

LAURA: Oh!

CAMERON: Fake clarinet…

LAURA: Uh… I have no idea. It’s just a tube.

NICK: A Gasan String Drum, a Dorenian Beshinquel, a Fanfar, an Ommni Box, a Bandfill, or a Kloo Horn? I think Kloo Horn… Yeah! I got it! If you were curious, this is what a Kloo Horn looks like.

CAMERON: Yeah!

LAURA: It’s just a clarinet.

NICK: Well, this one looks weirdly like a lightsaber.

CAMERON: Kind of.

LAURA: Well, it’s a space clarinet!

CAMERON: It looks like Rey’s staff.

NICK: Yeah, it does. I think they took this from the Star Wars RPG. (laughs)

HUDSON: An aggressive double-sided dildo.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yep! Anything is if you’re brave enough. So they give you this three foot long—which is longer than the actual instrument would be—plasteel drink container. It has a lanyard to go around your neck, and it’s shaped like a Kloo Horn, which are those weird fake oboe things that the band uses in the Mos Eisley cantina, so it’s the Star Wars equivalent of being handed a large drink shaped like a saxophone. You’ve got that. The bartender looks questioningly at Karma. He notes the bathing suit and the mom bag. “Are you a cool mom, or…?”

CAMERON: “Can I have a Starship Juice, please?”

NICK: “Ooh, starting off heavy. Alright.” He turns around and does some shaker things and pours you a Starship Juice. For those who don’t remember, what does that look like?

CAMERON: It’s a tiki drink!

LAURA: Yeah!

NICK: Oh yeah! Anyway. We get you all walking along heading towards your hotel. You see a gorgeous beach on the right. You do see that about two thirds of the people here are Human, but there’s a decent mix of non-Human species here. You see some Ithorians, you see a surprising amount of Draedans considering that in the commercial there were none. Most of them work here but there are other ones that appear to be relaxing. You do see a lot of aquatic races, so there’s some Nautolans, there’s some Mon Cals, there’s some Quarren. It turns out they would appreciate the beach more than some other people would. There are tiki bars probably every 30 feet. They’re everywhere, they’re different styles, they have different cutesy names, but all of the drinks coming out of them look about the same. They all have very muscular, handsome Draedan bartenders or very also muscular and handsome Draedan bartenders… They all kind of look similar in musculature. This is not one of the species where the women are all svelte supermodel looking and the men are all Conan the Barbarian looking. They’re all a predatory species that evolved from eating fish and swimming in the ocean, so they all look about the same. And, you head towards the hotel. As you get into the lobby, the hotel itself is a giant, large condo looking building. It is a big, white, square building that is up on pylons, so it’s about ten feet off the ground. There’s a big, grand staircase that leads to the main entrance which is transparesteel rotating doors. You just see a big old line of windows with balconies on every side. It is that same kind of white stucco, it looks pastoral but that is very clearly a façade put over a standard modern building.

HUDSON: I look 90 degrees both ways, mouth agape, just amazed at the wonders of this hotel.

NICK: You also hear steel drum music coming from nowhere, it’s just around. You’re able to go wherever you want. Where do you wanna go?

HUDSON: Check-in.

CAMERON: Yeah, I guess I’m gonna go to the front desk and check in.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I got us the ultra-suite.”

CAMERON: “Whose name is it under, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Mine.”

LAURA: “Okay, but you are a child.”

HUDSON: “Oh! Shoot! Um…”

CAMERON: “It’s okay. I got this.” I walk up to the front.

NICK: You go up to the main desk. The color of the industry polos is different. This is a maroon one.

CAMERON: Ooh.

NICK: There’s another Draedan female at the desk. There’s a couple of people in line ahead of you, but they are able to go pretty quickly. “Hello, and welcome to Thrinaka Resorts.”

CAMERON: “Thank you. We’re here to check in.”

NICK: “Wonderful!” She smiles real, real big. “Did you have a reservation or is this a spur of the moment vacation?”

CAMERON: “We have a reservation. Sweetie, why don’t you go ahead and give them your name?”

HUDSON: “I’m Tink!”

CAMERON: (softly) “It’s under his name. This is a ‘grown-up’ vacation.” Karma’s like, trying to get—we’re letting him feel like he’s taking us on this vacation like you do with small children when the child buys a very expensive gift for the parent.

HUDSON: “This is MY vacation. Mine!”

LAURA: “It is his birthday.”

HUDSON: “It’s my birthday!”

NICK: So, this is all well and good. I as the GM am struggling with when did you make these reservations?

CAMERON: Tink just did it on the computer. (laughs)

LAURA: Tink did it, so who knows.

HUDSON: We had a lot of time.

NICK: He was hacking? He did something from hyperspace, which sometimes you can do and sometimes you can’t.

HUDSON: (laughs) Yes.

CAMERON: No. it was immediately before we jumped again, since we knew where we were going, he made the reservations.

NICK: Okay, that’s fair, just making sure nobody asks us this question later.

CAMERON: (smiling) It’s a good thing for us to figure out.

NICK: It works for me, and it does make sense because you were bragging about the deal that you could get.

HUDSON: Yeah. Crap, you said go visit that guy to get a discount and we didn’t even try. (laughs)

NICK: You haven’t yet, but you could always do it later. Everything gets charged at the end.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: The receptionist says, “Oh… Well, alright sweetie. Tink, huh? It looks like you tried to make this reservation for—“ She’s talking to Karma and Xianna. Her body is pointed towards Tink, but she’s looking at Karma and Xianna. “It looks like you tried to make the reservation for one of our more premium rooms, but those are all spoken for. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to put you in one of the smaller non-view rooms or upgrade you to—“

LAURA: “Upgrade!”

NICK: “Oh—Okay? All we have left is the Honeymoon Suite.”

LAURA: “Yes please.”

NICK: “… Okay! Great! Awesome. That will be just a second.” We get the tippy-tap, because even though this is Star Wars and they have holograms and touchpads and stuff, it’s a hotel so it has to have an extremely clicky keyboard. I think we can all agree that’s how this works.”

HUDSON: “Moms, what’s a honeymoon?”

LAURA: “So, you know when you get married, after you get married you go on a fun vacation, and after that fun vacation that is when you steal everything that they own and you leave.”

NICK: (smiling) “And it looks like your room is ready!” (laughter) Draedans don’t sweat, but she definitely has the sweatdrop emoji. She’s a little nervous and confused about this. There’s a little pad in front of her terminal. “If you just touch your communicators to that, it will give you access to the room. It’s on the top floor. We’ll charge you everything at the end. If you could just let me know what ship you arrived on we’ll link the room to your registration.”

LAURA: “Um…” Xianna looks at Karma (laughs), and then at Tink, because she doesn’t know what the ship is called currently.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Well… I know what—Call on me! I know what the ship is called!”

NICK: “Alright… little boy.”

HUDSON: “It’s the Morning Despair.”

(laughter)

NICK: “The Morning Despair? Oh, there it is on our records. It’s the only ship that’s landed today.”

LAURA: “Huh, okay. Yes, that is the name of our ship. Yes.”

NICK: “Alright. Most things are included here. Any incidental fees if you want to rent a hover boat or rent any private spaces for receptions or parties, that will all be charged at the end. Don’t worry about it.”

HUDSON: “I want pizza!”

LAURA: “Tink, we can get the pizza in the room, or the bar. You can order food.”

HUDSON: “I want it now!”

LAURA: “We will go back to one of the bars and order you food.”

CAMERON: “Sweetie, let’s go up to the room first and then you can see the view.”

HUDSON: “Fine…”

NICK: Okay. You all go to the lift. You all go up to the top floor. It’s not like a penthouse, it’s not the only thing up there, but whereas most floors have like 65 rooms this one has 5 rooms. It is a much bigger suite. This thing is extremely expensive, and it’s very nice. There are two hot tubs, before you even ask. Everybody has their own room. There are extra rooms. There is a full kitchen. As you walk in there are premade drinks sitting on the bar and a cook is in the kitchen making a meal, and it is a Draedan, and he is very happy and smiles at you. “Well hello there, I was just making you a little something. We’ve got space margaritas already laid out. There’s a pitcher there, just make yourselves at home, and hi there!” Tink is looking eagerly at the margaritas. “Well hi there!” He gives you an orange juice.

LAURA: He would like a pizza please.”

HUDSON: “I’d like a pizza with, um, um, extra cheesy.”

NICK: ‘I’ll make that happen.” He finishes what he was making. It’s like hors d’oeuvre type food, like chips and dip but Star Wars. It’s very hot and delicious. “I’ll just have room service bring something up,” and he walks out.

CAMERON: “Thank you so much.”

HUDSON: “Okay!”

NICK: Whoever is interested in this guy’s butt, it is an extremely nice butt, I just feel like I need to mention that.

LAURA: Nice!

CAMERON: Awesome. Good.

NICK: Those khaki capris… Good look.

LAURA: Are the hot tubs shaped like hearts?

NICK: One of them is.

LAURA: Good, because this is a honeymoon suite.

CAMERON: Is the other one an infinity hot tub, on the balcony? Because it needs to be.

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: Uh-huh. Yep.

CAMERON: Good.

NICK: Those are some details about the room. Anything else you want to throw in now for fun details? This thing is EXTRAVAGANT. Oh, there’s rose petals everywhere by the way.

CAMERON: Good.

LAURA: One room has to also have a disco ball.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Yeah. It looks like they reused and redressed the set from the ship and used it again, because it’s very similar. The bed is not round, but it is extremely large and square. There is a disco ball.

LAURA: No, it’s a heart-shaped bed!

NICK: Oh, obviously it’s heart-shaped.

CAMERON: Nicholas, everything is heart-shaped.

LAURA: Because it’s the honeymoon suite~

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Everything is heart-shaped. Any other details we want for this room?

HUDSON: I look around and go into the first room I see, like run in there like a little kid, and I jump on the bed, and I go “Wee!” and it’s like a water bed so my body starts to go up and down.

NICK: Roll me a force die, would you?

CAMERON: (laughs nervously) Oh no.

NICK: You’re a big old boy.

HUDSON: Heh. Two light side.

NICK: Two light side! The bed supports you perfectly well and does not break or pop or flood the rooms below you. (laughter) Good job. And it’s super fun, and that bed’s probably invincible for some reason.

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: Tink takes off and leaps onto the bed and Karma just looks at Xianna… It’s a tired mom face. You know that look.

LAURA: “Don’t worry. They make the water beds in these kinds of places really hard to pop.”

CAMERON: “I’m just having flashbacks.”

LAURA: “You know you can—To the water bed?”

CAMERON: “No. No? Well, now I am, but no.”

LAURA: “I don’t know how Nautolans reproduce, so I don’t actually know if there was a water bed involved or not.”

NICK: I mean, kinda.

CAMERON: Honestly, I’m not sure either. (giggles) “But no, I was having flashbacks actually. Tink is behaving very similar to one of my sons.”

LAURA: “Oh yes, with the jumping and the woo.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh, and the demanding pizzas and… yep.”

HUDSON: “I need to act in character, guys.”

CAMERON: “Tink, there’s no one in here right now.”

HUDSON: “There was the chef!”

CAMERON: “And he left.”

LAURA: “Yes, but we could always pay them a lot more money to not repeat anything, like you always do.”

HUDSON: “We can just tell him to leave.”

CAMERON: “It’s true.”

LAURA: “Or just tell them to leave.”

HUDSON: “There doesn’t need to be money involved.”

LAURA: “Or invite them to the water bed. Well not you, because they think you are a child, but you know, the adults.”

NICK: The doorbell rings.

CAMERON: Karma goes over and answers the door?

NICK: There is a very hot pizza sitting on a tray.

CAMERON: “Tink, your pizza is here!”

HUDSON: “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” I run over and grab the pizza, and it’s too hot, an di just drop it, but I don’t drop it onto the floor I drop it back into the tray, whatever was carrying it.

LAURA: “Okay. Tink, how about we put the pizza on the counter and you wait for it to cool a little bit?”

HUDSON: “Okay…”

LAURA: “Also, did you have to order extra cheese?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay…”

HUDSON: “It’s so cheesy and so good.”

CAMERON: “… Uh-huh.”

HUDSON: “I’d say it’s dangerously cheesy.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay then… Uh… You have your pizza. I’m going to go to the pool now.”

HUDSON: “I guess I’m prepared for it.” I look down at my swim trunks.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: “You don’t want to eat your pizza?”

LAURA: “You can bring it with.”

HUDSON: “I can bring it with.”

CAMERON: “Fair. Alright. Be very careful carrying the tray.”

HUDSON: “Okay, mom…”

CAMERON: (laughing) “If you’re gonna stay in character the whole time, I’m going to too.”

LAURA: “I am not. (laughs) Let’s go~”

CAMERON: “Also, I had a question before we leave. I just want to get clarification on our family setup right now.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Is this for me?”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Oh. Did you put real information down, or…?”

HUDSON: “No. Y’all are my moms.”

CAMERON: “Okay cool. I thought that was the case. I just wanted to confirm.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Here’s the thing though, Tink. If I am talking to someone, do not tell them that I am pretend married and that you are my child.”

CAMERON: “Hey! He never said you were pretend married.”

LAURA: “Pretend parenting together.”

CAMERON: “We’re not necessarily even parenting together… but we are taking our son on a vacation.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “So just do not come up to anyone I am, uh, how you say, chatting up and tell them you are my child. Please do not, unless I tell you to. Sometimes being a responsible parent is a desirable thing for some people. I do not need a 2+ meter child running around at them. That is scary.”

HUDSON: “Excuse me, I’m 2.13 meters.”

LAURA: “That is why I said 2+.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Yeah.”

LAURA: “I don’t know exact heights. I’m bad at math.”

NICK: And the elevator dings open! (laughter) There is an extremely large pool. It’s actually three or four pools stuck together in very organic looking ways. There are swim-up bars and tiki bars on the side, and just a lot of sundrenched vacationers relaxing. There is a wide range. There are some people who look like professional athletes, there are some people who look like suburban dads coming to a vacation, and everything in between, all sorts of different species. You all have drinks and a hot pizza.

HUDSON: It’s cooled by now.

CAMERON: Yeah, the elevator ride, it’s… You can eat it now.

NICK: You have an edible pizza! I’m glad that’s the detail we’re focused on.

HUDSON: I walk and eat. Cheese gets everywhere.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

CAMERON: Gross.

LAURA: Xianna’s already in the pool.

CAMERON: Karma grabs some lawn chairs and sets up camp with HK.

HUDSON: Slice of pizza in hand, I cannonball.

CAMERON: Oh gross.

NICK: I want an Athletics check for how disruptive this cannonball is, please.

LAURA: Can Xianna see this coming?!

NICK: Maybe. Why? What does Xianna want to do?

CAMERON: How could you stop it though?

LAURA: Avoid it somehow!

CAMERON: Oh, avoid getting hit.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Easy.

LAURA: She’ll need to push her beach bag far away from the edge of the pool.

HUDSON: One advantage.

NICK: Okay. You do a minor splash. Xianna definitely sees it coming and moves everything out of the way. Also, these are very wide decks around the pool so you’re not too close anyway. Tink kind of side flops. It’s just not great. I think the advantage is that one of the service staff, as you’re in the air, just lightning quick creeps out and takes the slice of pizza from you, and then as you come up for air says, “Please refrain from eating in the pool. Thank you.” Then they walk away with your slice of pizza. The advantage is you didn’t fuck up the pool or get covered in soggy cheese.

HUDSON: “Wait! … I want my pi—Oh whatever.”

NICK: So, you are in a pool scenario. What activities are you doing to relax?

LAURA: Drinking in the pool.

NICK: Sounds good.

LAURA: That is pretty much all Xianna is doing. She is posted up on one of those little in-pool benches so she can sit, and she’s near the bar getting drinks, and kind of just smiling at anyone she fancies.

CAMERON: Did Xianna go into the adult only section of the pool?

LAURA: Yeah. She’s in the little section, one where they have the little sectioning so the water still flows back and forth, and if you really need to cross over you can, but it is to prevent the kids from coming right up to the bar area.

HUDSON: I swim for a little bit in the pool that I jumped into and then I remember there is a kids area with slides, so I get out of the pool, go over to that area, and shenanigans ensue.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. As you walk into that area you can see the only lifeguard on duty. It’s a brawny Trandoshan with red trunks and a large swath of white zinc sunscreen on his lizardy nose, and one of the floating tubes that the lifeguards use. He’s looking at you, and it’s definitely the feeling you get if an alligator is looking at you and you are standing by the river it’s in. Trandoshans are scary. At first the lifeguard doesn’t say anything, and then as you start to climb onto the slides and things he blows a whistle which is very impressive with crocodile teeth and comes over to you. “Sir, this area is for children only.”

HUDSON: “I’m seven years old!” And I hold up nine fingers.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Uh… They didn’t train me for this in lifeguard school.”

HUDSON: “It’s okay. I still like you.”

NICK: Make me a Deception check.

CAMERON: Can he have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit?

NICK: (reluctantly) He can have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Average. I want to flip a dark side point.

HUDSON: Oh, I already rolled it.

NICK: Oh fine. No dark side point.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and a threat.

NICK: Hmm… So, you succeed at convincing this guy you’re a child.

HUDSON: Like really succeed.

NICK: Is there something you would like your triumph to be used for?

HUDSON: Feels so bad for me that I get to cut the line?

NICK: Could be.

CAMERON: And he fits on all of the slides.

NICK: Okay. A triumph could be that you fit on the slides.

HUDSON: Yeah, I fit on the slides.

CAMERON: Because then you can have fun.

NICK: The threat is, he looks at you and says, “My mistake, but… no running. I’ve got my eye on you, kid.” He lets you go on your way, but anytime you get more than 10% fun shenanigans-wise, he blows his whistle. “That’s strike two ,buddy.”

HUDSON: “How many strikes do I get?”

NICK: “That depends. Don’t go for strike three just in case.”

HUDSON: “Okay… Gah…”

NICK: (laughs) That’s the sound that Tink makes going down the slide.

HUDSON: Wahhh!

(laughter)

CAMERON: He doesn’t want to be having too much fun.

NICK: Yeah, because then you might get the whistle blown at you. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: Karma has setup camp on one of the lounge chairs under one of the umbrellas. HK is in the lounge chair next to her. They’re both just chillin’.

NICK: He’s stuck very awkwardly between the slats in some places because he’s so—

CAMERON: No-no-no, it’s one of the ones that is fully cushioned. We’re paying a lot of money, so we got into the special area that has the really nice squishy lounge chairs.

NICK: Ohh, that’s fair. Okay fine, so he is there sitting completely still. The only way you know he’s not turned off is his eyes are still lit.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna get up. “HK, watch my bag, please.”

NICK: “Acknowledgement: I will watch your bag, and kill any organics who approach.”

CAMERON: “Maybe not kill, but threaten with bodily harm is okay.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: Karma walks off and just runs into the water once she’s in the beach section and goes swimming in the ocean.

NICK: Oh, okay. You skip the pool and go straight to the ocean.

CAMERON: Yes. Salt water is my natural habitat.

NICK: The pool does backup to the ocean. It’s funny that there are as many people in the pool as there is because there’s this gorgeous natural beach right here.

CAMERON: Well, waves suck.

NICK: I disagree.

CAMERON: No, they hurt.

LAURA: That’s what happens at actual beach resorts. Heh.

NICK: I know. That’s why I think it’s great that we did that. That’s fun.

CAMERON: And there are scary things swimming in the ocean that often aren’t in pools.

NICK: Okay. Xianna is flirting with people, or I guess patrolling for people. Karma is swimming in the ocean. Tink is playing on all the slides. That’s how you pass the afternoon. Does anybody feel like they are particularly successful at their restful activities?

CAMERON: I swim in the ocean real good.

NICK: Okay. Do you make any new friends?

CAMERON: Yes, anyone else who’s underwater swimming. We go on an adventure and we look at all the pretty coral.

NICK: So you do snorkeling but you don’t need a snorkel because you can breathe underwater.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay cool. If you ever want to have one of those people come back just let me know.

CAMERON: Cool. One of them is a Mon Cal surf instructor. (laughs)

NICK: Because when I think agile I think Mon Cal.

CAMERON: See, I thought about doing Nautolan, then I was like no I don’t want a Nautolan friend, so a Mon Cal surf instructor. That’s just so much better.

NICK: Xianna, did you make any new friends at the bar?

LAURA: Xianna made a lot of friends. She’s now friends with all the bartenders that worked at that little swim-up bar and a good number of people are good friends with her. She had to pick a fake name though.

NICK: What name did she give out?

LAURA: What did I do? Let’s see…

NICK: What did we call the ship, the Morning Despair?

CAMERON: Yup. (laughs) Are we spelling it like ‘good morning’ or ‘you’re in mourning?’

HUDSON: Oh, that’s a good question.

CAMERON: Because being in mourning is funny, and I kind of want to spell it that way.

HUDSON: Let’s do that one.

LAURA: She told them all her name was Seela.

NICK: Seela, okay. That’s how you pass the afternoon. You all have a delightful time. As evening comes to the resort, you have not ventured super far from the hotel, but this is a pretty good sized island as far as a resort island would go. It’s probably ten kilometers wide and there’s a little tiny manicured pseudo-jungle in the middle, but the rest is all just beaches and relaxing facilities and different adventure activities to do. As the evening happens you see that there’s a couple activities near the hotel where people are tending to gather. There is a large bonfire that is in a permanent pit that looks like they build every night.

CAMERON: With s’mores?

NICK: Yes, with s’mores, and snacks and drinks.

CAMERON: Good.

NICK: It’s kind of a meet and greet setup. Then there are some non-tiki bars, some club setups that open mostly at night that you could go to. And then there’s other activities and things. How do you all spend the evening?

CAMERON: Karma definitely takes Tink to go get s’mores.

HUDSON: I definitely go get s’mores.

CAMERON: Because that’s like the accepted kid activity.

HUDSON: I am super excited about that, as an adult and a kid.

CAMERON: Karma is too. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna goes with for s’mores.

NICK: We get a really adorable over-the-shoulder shot of the three of you all sitting on short stools made out of driftwood next to this really big bonfire making s’mores and chatting and laughing.

CAMERON: Four of us.

NICK: All four of you.

CAMERON: We have HK roasting marshmallows as well.

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: With incredible precision.

LAURA: We have him holding the marshmallows.

NICK: Yeah. He’s holding two sticks in each hand and he has them at the exact right distance from the flames, and his wrists are rotating 360 degrees to get a rotisserie effect.

CAMERON: This is going much better than the snickerdoodles.

NICK: Yes. Well, you basically manually instructed him, like close these fingers, hold this like this, begin rotation, maintain until otherwise instructed, because if you were like ‘make s’mores’ he probably would have started close combat with somebody. But yeah, he’s doing that.

HUDSON: Now tell me if this won’t work, Nick…

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m eating s’mores, and suddenly I’m like “Guys, I totally forgot. I signed us up for the volleyball tournament! Including HK!”

(laughter)

NICK: Fuck yes!

LAURA: “Ohh… Um, oh wow…”

CAMERON: “I mean, if I’m drafting a volleyball team, you’re gonna be one of my top choices, Tink.”

HUDSON: “No, no, I just signed up you, me, Xianna and HK, four on four.”

CAMERON: “I know. That’s what I was saying, buddy. I was saying that I’m glad to have you on my team”

HUDSON: “Oh. I see.”

NICK: (fighting laughter) Guys… Guys…

LAURA: “I don’t know how I feel about this!”

HUDSON & CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No, you don’t understand, on my list of activities for these episodes volleyball is second from the bottom. I’m so happy.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Alright. When is this tournament?”

HUDSON: “This tournament is first thing tomorrow morning, so we can’t be drinking too much.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.” (laughter) “Tink, do you know how much I’ve been drinking?”

HUDSON: “No…”

LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’more… s’mores? Is it singular or plural for one singular one?”

HUDSON: “The plural is singular.”

NICK: Agh!

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’mores and whatever fruit came in my blended fruited drinks, so maybe we should go to the room, I will eat a pizza and then sleep, so that I don’t die during volleyball tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “That’s probably a good plan.”

HUDSON: “I don’t know about you all, but I’m real excited.”

LAURA: “I am not. I am so sorry, but I am not.”

CAMERON: “What’s your volleyball resume look like, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Well, if I were to write a resume I’d probably make some stuff up and forge it, so…”

CAMERON: “Alright. Great. That sounds wonderful.”

LAURA: “Does anyone know how volleyball rules work? Because I don’t.”

HUDSON: “All you have to do is you throw it up and you spike it. That’s it.”

LAURA: “So you stab it?”

CAMERON: “No-no-no…”

HUDSON: “No. Spiking it is when you take the palm of your hand and instead of caressing the ball, as you would think you would need to do, I’ve learned that you actually have to hit it really hard to the other side of the net, and if it goes in the net then you have to headbutt it over.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. Tink, we have to explain volleyball to HK.”

LAURA: (weakly) “O…kay…”

HUDSON: “No, HK might know already. Maybe HK’s played.”

CAMERON: “HK, have you ever played volleyball?”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: Does it look like I have played volleyball?”

LAURA: “No it does not.”

CAMERON: “Nope, but I figured you were here so I’d ask you.”

HUDSON: “HK, do you know the rules of volleyball?”

NICK: “Conjecture: You might have better luck programming me with the rules before this so called contest tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “Can you do that, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Yes. I can program the rules.”

CAMERON: “You’re really smart with computers!”

HUDSON: “Yeah! I can definitely program them.”

CAMERON: Karma looks around at the other people who are sitting at the fire. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna looks between Karma and Hank and Tink and just shakes her head. “I cannot do this right now. I am going to the room… Bye.”

NICK: And that will be the end of the episode!

(laughter)

LAURA: “If anyone else wants a pizza let me know~!”

CAMERON: “I’ll take one~”

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 32 Commercial Success

PDF download: Episode 32 Commercial Success

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 32:
Commercial Success

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

To start, I want to thank That Tucky for their five-star review on iTunes. We appreciate you giving us a shout out. Reviews are still one of the top ways to help people find the show, and thank you for braving the labyrinth of iTunes to do that for us.

Up next, we have some new patrons to thank. Tucker Maltby, thank you so much for becoming a patron. I’m going to guess that you may have been the one to leave us a review as well, so we doubly thank you for that one-two punch of support. The crew will raise a glass of Flame Out in your honor. John Michael, thank you so much for supporting the show. JM played Raymond Jyn in one of our Jedi Adventures. Thanks for being super cool.

If you tuned in to our $69 celebration pizza party, thank you for stopping by. We were absolutely floored by the amount of fans who showed up and joined us as we ate a seven-inch-tall cake-shaped pizza and made fun of the terrible questions on Star Wars Family Feud. If you enjoyed our stream, we are close to doing that on a regular basis. When we reach $150 on Patreon we’re going to add a support level that gets you access to regular streams and Q&As. Talk to your friends about the show and help us get there. The biggest of thanks to all of our Patreon backers. You’re making this story possible.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 32 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Good to have you back on this sunny, sunny afternoon. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience since last time why don’t you just let the audience know what you spent that on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I bought two talents on my talent trees. I bought Rapid Recovery on my Skiptracer tree so I can heal strain faster after battling, and I bought Anatomy Lessons on my Assassin tree.

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: After making a successful attack I can spend one Destiny Point to add damage equal to Intellect to one hit.

NICK: Neat. Alright, thank you for that. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I bought talents on my semi-new Scoundrel tree. I bought Convincing Demeanor, which lets me remove setback dice from Deception and Skulduggery checks, and then I got another rank in Hidden Storage, so the coat that defies physics continues to defy physics.

NICK: What does that bring your encumbrance ability up to?

LAURA: So it doesn’t add to my actual encumbrance threshold, it just allows me to hide encumbrance in the item that I apply it to, so I can now hide four encumbrance in the jacket.

NICK: Oh geez. That’s four vibro-swords.

LAURA: (laughs) Is a vibro-sword just one?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, uh…

CAMERON: Probably, they’re skinny.

NICK: So you can put two vibro-axes in your coat, technically.

LAURA: I could, yes.

NICK: Wow. Neat.

LAURA: If we wanna be real loosey-goosey with it.

NICK: If it comes up we’ll negotiate.

LAURA: It would take some sort of opposed Skulduggery check to see if I have two vibro-axes in the coat…

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Oh well.

LAURA: It doesn’t make sense. Heh.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine. The coat of many things.

CAMERON: Coat of many pockets.

LAURA: There’s lots and lots of pockets. Yes.

NICK: Neat. Last but not least, we have Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I play Rallltinkraatakat, also known as Tink, the Gigoran slicer. I leveled up in Melee to Level 4…

CAMERON: Oh shit.

HUDSON: …to be a badass. I also upped my Coordination to Level 3.

NICK: So you’re agile?

HUDSON: I am an agile melee-er.

NICK: Interesting. Alright. Level 3 Coordination means you can start doing crazy cartwheels and stuff to get through situations. That’s fun. Cool.

HUDSON: Yeah. It will come up, as I am a seven foot Gigoran.

NICK: Yeah, but you move like silent death apparently. Before we get into recapping and the adventure, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

LAURA: One light side.

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh dear.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: I tried, okay?

NICK: You tried real hard.

LAURA: I can’t carry the whole team.

HUDSON: And got so far.

CAMERON: I didn’t separate out the die that I fired last time, so…

NICK: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: …this may actually—I don’t know.

NICK: Everyone looks so disappointed. It’s going to be okay. we usually forget those are there.

CAMERON: … But I’m sad~

NICK: Okay~ Last time, you finished robbing a secret Kuat Drives facility and secured the cooperation of Valorissia in Sentinel’s plans. It did end with Xianna blowing a minor hole in Valorissia’s lab, but she had already asked you to tell Sentinel to reach out to her again and that they were willing to deal, so the mission was a rousing success. So you were able to leave. Am I missing anything else really? Pretty much, you successfully stole the thing, went back—

LAURA: Oh. We can get 7,500 Credits from Sentinel.

CAMERON: Yeah, because we didn’t promise Valorissia any of the money, and she still agreed to it, and Sentinel said we could keep 50% of what we didn’t give.

NICK: Oh… That is true. We’ll deal with that in-game.

CAMERON: Just so you’re aware that we’re all aware.

NICK: (smiling) Okay. That’s good. Good for y’all. That should be fine. Alright, so we’ll get into it. The Afternoon Delight is floating in the void of space. After leaving the research station you decided to do a short hop to make it harder to track your team, and also you decided it would be best to leave the area quickly in case anyone thought to make you pay for the repairs for the damage you caused. Karma has opened a channel to Sentinel from the holo-theater on board. A life-size blue hologram is floating in front of the crew. Sentinel looks surprised. “Well, it’s good to see you all. It looks like the negotiations were short. How did it go?”

LAURA: “Yes. So, we were able to get her to agree to your plans, whatever they were. Also, we got her down to 0 Credits, so we get half of the 15,000, correct?”

NICK: “She agreed to do the work for free?”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, we had to steal some things, and it was a whole thing, but no money, so…”

NICK: “Hmm.”

CAMERON: “She was really into this ship part.”

NICK: “I had been hoping that would be the case. So, she said she’s going to come work for me immediately?”

CAMERON: “She says you should com her again.”

NICK: “So, your goals allow me to now negotiate?”

CAMERON: “No. She says call her so she can have coordinates and shit.”

LAURA: “She does not know where to go.”

NICK: “That does make sense. We are pretty secret.” In the background actually, you see the protocol droid waddling by carrying a big crate full of stuff. A lot of it looks like rolled up flimsy and computer parts and things.

You hear over the coms the protocol droid saying, “And I will continue to load the ship.”

Sentinel turns back to you all and says, “Yeah. I’m in the process of relocating. I think we’ve been here a little too long. I will reach out to Valerissa before—“

CAMERON: “Valorissia.”

NICK: “Sorry, what?”

CAMERON: “Valorissia.”

NICK: “Valerissa.”

CAMERON: “Valorissia. You’re missing an I. I think that’s why she refused to talk to you at first.”

LAURA: “No, he has both eyes!”

NICK: “Yes. I was very injured, but my eyes are still—“

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

HUDSON: “Xianna, that was…”

LAURA: “(giggles)”

CAMERON: “Everyone, that is not what I was saying, and I think you all know that. One of the I’s in Valorissia’s name. It’s very rude to not get to know someone’s name before you ask them to help you save the galaxy.”

NICK: “Well, thank you for helping… with that hot tip.”

CAMERON: “You’re welcome.”

NICK: “I will make sure to call her Valorissia.”

CAMERON: “She actually just goes by Val. It’s not important at all.”

NICK: “Oh. Okay, I’ll just call her Val then. Thank you. You know, working through several different intermediaries that talk to each other and only having limited communication, and then also you know how when you start using scrambler programs and coms, things get lost. Sometimes things like names may be slightly incorrect or amount of payment may get a little confused, you know, all sorts of things. We’ll work it out. I will be contacting Val. Hopefully she doesn’t mention payment or anything like that. If that’s the case, the next time I see you we’ll be making that transfer. I’m good for anything.”

CAMERON: “Great!”

HUDSON: “So, I know you’re probably relocating to a secret location, however is it an upgrade? Does it have a pool, hot tub, what’s the deal? Give me the deets.”

NICK: “Unfortunately the only hot tub in my possession is now on your ship, so probably not.”

LAURA: “Wait. You had a hot tub and then you put it on our ship?”

NICK: “Well, the only access to a hot tub I had was through the ship that I gave to you all so that you could carry out your mission. I should be clear.”

LAURA: “Okay. Okay.”

NICK: “Once again, I am working on being more clear in my communication and revealing any details you may need to help you be successful.”

CAMERON: “I’m really glad we cleared up that hot tub issue.”

LAURA: “I mean, if the hot tub is removable, that would be useful information.”

CAMERON: “What would we do with it, Xianna?! Why would you take it off the ship?”

LAURA: “Take it with us! We could take it to the hotels and places that do not have a hot tub to begin with.”

CAMERON: “But we could just go back onto the ship and get in the hot tub. There’s no need to remove it.”

LAURA: “But what if the ship is going in for repairs? Then we can’t go back on it and we could use the hot tub with us.”

CAMERON: “We totally went back on the ship when Zubo was repairing it last time.”

LAURA: “Yes, but what if we are installing new carpet or something?”

HUDSON: “Xianna, logistically it just won’t work out.”

CAMERON: “We are not replacing this carpet, Xianna. I love this carpet.”

NICK: The red shag carpeting?

CAMERON: Yeah! In the Afternoon Delight it’s all shag carpeting. It’s not necessarily all red.

NICK: Most of it is.

LAURA: But it’s all shag.

CAMERON: But it’s all shag carpeting.

NICK: Ah-ha.

LAURA: “Look. At some point we might want to replace the carpeting, even if we replace it with more shag carpeting… It’s shag carpeting, so you know at some point you can’t really clean everything out of it.”

HUDSON: “Besides the cleanliness issues, I suffer from a lot of static shock. It’s getting real annoying.”

CAMERON: “That’s why you get in the hot tub.”

LAURA: “Also Tink, you spilled a whole mix of some sort of drink powder all over the carpet in the kitchenette area. Do we need the shag carpeting in the kitchen area and the refreshers?”

CAMERON: “Okay. I would like to remove the carpet from the kitchen area, from the refreshers… the area around the hot tub gets really wet and squishy and is kind of gross, and it’s starting to smell funny.”

LAURA: “I think I saw something moving.”

CAMERON: “No, you did not see something moving. Do not tell me that, Xianna.”

LAURA: “I saw something moving! Something is down there.” Heh.

CAMERON: “In the carpet?”

LAURA: “In the carpet!”

HUDSON: “I think you were trippin’, man.”

LAURA: “No. That is not how impact works.”

CAMERON: “Oh, did you trip over it though?”

LAURA: “I did trip over it. I’m not sure exactly what it is. I think I saw an eyeball pop up.”

NICK: Sentinel has just been awkwardly sitting here the whole time.

(giggling)

LAURA: “Oh! I forgot you are here.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, welcome to Carpet Talk.”

CAMERON: “You know Hank, you’re free to join in on these conversations.”

NICK: “Reassurance: If I need to say something, I will say something.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Alright. I just wanted to make sure.”

NICK: “What a refreshing take on dealing with a professional liaison and trying to get extra information. You know, that assassin droid that we found for you is really a good pickup. I’m happy about that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. HK’s pretty great.”

HUDSON: “I think we’re growing to be friends.”

NICK: “Observation: That would be very difficult as I don’t have feelings.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I think he might kill us in our sleep sometime.”

CAMERON: “Only you, you’re not a primary.”

LAURA: “Only me.”

NICK: “Conjecture: That is likely.”

LAURA: “I told you.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “Wait. Which part is likely, HK?”

NICK: He just stares into space.

LAURA: “Hank, if you do kill me I assume it will be over something I truly did and deserved, so… I doubt you will do it for no reason. So anyways, Sentinel, are we doing something?”

NICK: “yes?”

LAURA: “Or did we just call you to give us money?”

CAMERON: “You said something about the fourth team member.”

LAURA: Xianna’s putting out her fingers. “Okay, Karma, me, Tink, Hank… That’s four.”

CAMERON: “No, no, Beta Squad, Xianna. Beta Squad.”

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. Not us.”

CAMERON: “Yes, not Alpha Team, Beta Squad.”

LAURA: “Okay, Beta Squad.”

NICK: “Yes. There is one more person to be picked up for Beta Squad before we are able to start speaking tactically and plan out this strike. Remember, there is going to be a pretty powerful payday after this is all over if you make it through, so please keep the eye on the prize as they say. But, I am glad to see you were so successful. It’s only been, what, three days since we last talked?”

LAURA: “I have no idea.”

CAMERON: “You know, I’m honestly not sure. Time is kind of a weird, wimbly-wombly, strange thing that I don’t quite understand.”

LAURA: “There’s really not a day or night in the vacuum of space, it’s all relative to the planets, and you know if you’re going from one planet where it is daytime and then you travel six hours and then the next planet you are on is also daytime it gets very confusing.”

CAMERON: “And we were just on a lot of asteroids, so the day-night thing wasn’t really…”

NICK: “You know that your ship has an atomically accurate timekeeping piece so that it can do hyperdrive calculations, right?”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “What?! Computer! How long have we been playing this game?”

NICK: You don’t have a… It’s not a Star Trek computer.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Damn! What is it gonna take to get us one? (giggles)

HUDSON: “Why are you talking to the ship like that? We’ve never had that ability.”

CAMERON: “I don’t know! I find weird things about this ship every day, Tink.”

LAURA: “Tink, do you know where that is?”

NICK: There’s a blinking alarm clock style readout above every door in this ship for what time it is.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh…” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yeah, I know what time it is, but where does it keep track of the days?”

NICK: Eh, it’s on the computer or whatever.

HUDSON: “I thought that was how many days since the last injury clock. Oh…”

LAURA: “Oh, there’s no way that is correct.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. That’s way too high.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, you’re right.”

NICK: “Well, all that aside, I’m gonna be honest. I thought that Valorissia was gonna drive a harder bargain with you. You must have really impressed her.”

LAURA: “Tink fought her. He punched her at one point.”

HUDSON: “Listen. There were…”

LAURA: “She punched you.”

CAMERON: “They had a nice, friendly bar fight.”

LAURA: “She won. I won some money.”

HUDSON: “Eh, I don’t think there were winners or losers.”

CAMERON: “She beat you, Tink.”

LAURA: “She won, because I won the bet that I put on her against you, remember?”

HUDSON: “That was a crooked bet.”

LAURA: ‘It was, because I cheated, but just a little bit. I just moved it along.”

CAMERON: “Xianna!”

LAURA: “I just moved the fight along. I didn’t do anything to really affect the outcome.”

CAMERON: “What did you do?”

LAURA: “I think I spilled a drink at some point. I think. I think I spilled a drink so that Tink would slip and fall and the fight would end faster, because it was really dragging on.”

NICK: “Observation: Xianna spilled a drink on purpose to help someone trip and give a blue die to Tink’s combat check.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you, hank! That was very useful.”

HUDSON: “(strained) What’s a combat check? Oh! This fight is null and void.”

CAMERON: “HK, I wasn’t sure your Perception was that high.”

NICK: “Observation: It isn’t.”

LAURA: “I also told everyone afterwards.”

CAMERON: “Okay, cool. I was drinking that ocean drink so I don’t remember.”

NICK: Once again, Sentinel is just kind of open-mouthed. “You all seem to be… in better moods than the last time we spoke. Was this mission fun?”

CAMERON: “Bonding as a family.”

LAURA: “I did not get shot, that I remember.”

HUDSON: “I got some of my anger out in that fight.”

CAMERON: “I actually didn’t get shot either. That’s a very good reason for why I’m happier right now, Xianna.”

LAURA: “I had a bunch of shots. They were neon colors. They were very bright.”

CAMERON: “Shots were had, but not at us.”

HUDSON: “I had no shots.”

LAURA: “They just tasted like colors.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “How do you taste colors?”

LAURA: “You know, the blue one tasted like blue. You know, like Gatorade? There’s a blue Gatorade and it tastes like blue, and there’s a yellow Gatorade and it tastes like yellow.”

HUDSON: “Xianna, you’re sounding like Sabos.”

LAURA: Oh no…

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: quick! Check to see if I have a third lekku!

CAMERON: Nope, you’ve only got two. You’re safe. Would you get three though, or would you randomly grow a fourth? And then how do we know it was the fourth if you still only had two?

LAURA: Do two just grow at the exact same time and you then have to decide which was the fourth one?

CAMERON: I don’t know…

LAURA: I don’t like where this is going.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Sentinel shakes his head a little bit. “Well, that’s all well and good. I’m glad that you are coming together as a unit. You will need that in the coming weeks. Here’s the good news, I do have the next step for you all. I was in the process, I just thought I would be a little further along, because I thought there was going to be more time. Like I said, I’m working through liaisons to other liaisons—“

CAMERON: “And you’re moving right now, so it’s understandable.”

NICK: “I mean, mostly the droid is moving…” You see (mechanical “waddle” noises) as it goes by carrying the same box.

CAMERON: “It’s still very stressful.”

LAURA: “How long does it really take to move? You put everything in one bag and you go.”

NICK: “Yeah actually, as someone who moves around quite a bit and does spy things, I shouldn’t have a lot of stuff.”

CAMERON: “I’m confused as to how much you have to pack.”

NICK: “Well, the holo-projector and all the plans, there’s a lot of data.”

CAMERON: “Oh, okay, computer stuff. I can see that.”

HUDSON: “Do you need boxes? I have boxes.”

NICK: “Why do you have boxes?”

LAURA: “He just likes to sit in them.”

CAMERON: “It’s what all the popsicles came in, right?”

HUDSON: “It’s where all the popsicles came in. I don’t like to sit in them. I’m not some kind of animal.”

LAURA: “What do you mean all the popsicles?”

HUDSON: “I… bought a lot of popsicles recently.”

LAURA: “But there is no popsicles in the fridge, or freezer.”

HUDSON: “They are ALL gone.”

LAURA: “You ate all the popsicles?! I didn’t get any~!”

HUDSON: “yeah you didn’t, they’re my popsicles.”

NICK: Tink’s eyes are shifting back and forth very quickly.

LAURA: “So, you ate all those popsicles? There was like a box of 1,000.”

HUDSON: “It was more like a crate with boxes on them, but yes.”

LAURA: “You seriously ate like 2,000 popsicles in a day?”

HUDSON: “I haven’t had much else. Everything smells like watermelon now. It’s weird. My room is not very clean.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We have to replace the carpet in your room, too.”

LAURA: “Oh, have you seen the carpet in his room?”

CAMERON: “No. I try not to go in Tink’s room.”

LAURA: “It is sticky.”

HUDSON: “It’s not. Okay, so only recently is it sticky.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “The popsicles.”

HUDSON: “The popsicles.”

LAURA: “Also, the carpet in Sabos’s room is sticky too. I don’t think it’s popsicles, but Tink’s is definitely popsicles. It is a different color now.”

HUDSON: “What are you doing in my room?”

LAURA: “Nothing!”

HUDSON: “That cannot be the case.”

LAURA: “I needed a box to put something in, so I went in your room to get a box.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, do you need a box?”

NICK: “I think I’m okay. You clearly are working a lot of stuff out. Let me get through the rest of this information really quick. I was really worried you weren’t going to be happy with these instructions, but honestly I think you could use a little more bonding time so I think this is going to work out fine. The problem with the final member of Beta Squad is they are currently embedded in a warzone.

LAURA: “Okay.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “So… You’ll be doing one of those situations. The problem is it’s an Imperial warzone—“

LAURA: “I mean, what other ones are there at this point?”

NICK: “Well, sometimes there are civil war zones or system wide warzones. This one is an Imperial warzone, and there’s a problem with the planet that means you can only get in a very specific couple of ways, so I’m in the process of getting you transportation.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Okay. What is this planet?”

NICK: “Um, ever heard of Sesid?”

LAURA & CAMERON: “No.”

NICK: “Good. That’s where I’m sending you, not the planet you’ll be going to eventually.”

LAURA: “Well, what is that planet?”

CAMERON: “Why is it good that we haven’t heard of it?”

HUDSON: “I’ve actually heard of it.”

NICK: “Sesid is where you’re going to meet up with your contact that will help you get transported to… The name of the city that I’m gonna have you going to is called Sart. It’s on the planet of Fygo, but to do that there’s an energy shield that’s malfunctioned and basically I’ll have to have you smuggled in. Don’t worry about that right now.”

LAURA: “I mean, I am not.”

NICK: “Good. Great. The place that I’m going to have you meeting up with the people who will help smuggle you in is called—“

CAMERON: “Is Cesspit?”

NICK: “Sesid.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Sorry, I missed it.”

HUDSON: “Cesspool?”

LAURA: “Sesid.”

NICK: “The planet is Sesid.”

HUDSON: “Ah, okay.”

LAURA: “How would one spell that?”

NICK: “If you were say taking notes, it would be S-E-S-I-D, Sesid.” The other planet I would have sent you to I didn’t know how to pronounce so I picked this one, says Nick. (laughs)

HUDSON: “I feel like there should be some C’s in there.”

NICK: “Nope.”

HUDSON: “Alright. I was never good at spelling.”

CAMERON: “That actually surprises me with how smart you are, Tink.”

LAURA: “Yes. You have a university degree, or at least part of one.”

HUDSON: “Do you really correlate people with university degrees as those with smarts?”

LAURA: “I at least assume they know how to spell.”

HUDSON: “I can spell, I just can’t spell planet names that, like, are complicated.”

LAURA: “But don’t you have those standardized testing things where you have to name planets for no reason other than to prove you know them?”

HUDSON: “Those are all scams.”

LAURA: “No, they’re scans, they scan them.”

HUDSON: “No, they’re—Gah. No, they are scams, as in they are illegitimate.”

CAMERON: “The tests or the university?”

LAURA: “I know what a scam is, I’m just saying that the tests, they scan them.”

HUDSON: “I was meaning the test.”

LAURA: “The universities are a scam.”

HUDSON: “There we go. Now we’re getting somewhere. They are scams. I got through and I got a degree, however that doesn’t mean—“

LAURA: “I thought you dropped out?”

HUDSON: “No, what I meant—I dropped out, and the reason I dropped out was because I didn’t want to go with the system anymore.”

LAURA: “So you dropped out during your masters?”

HUDSON: “No. I might have forged a degree.”

CAMERON: “It looks real official.”

NICK: It looks more official than the actual one does.

LAURA: “It is a very nice forgery.”

HUDSON: “Thank you.”

LAURA: “I thought it was real for like a whole two minutes.”

CAMERON: “And then you told us that you didn’t graduate, so we figured it out.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “I see.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Also, I noticed that the person who signed it, you signed Tink.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “You just signed it fancy enough that it took me a moment to realize it said Tink.”

HUDSON: “That was an oversight on my part.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I did that once accidentally. I forged—“

CAMERON: “You signed Tink?”

LAURA: “No, no, no. When I was like six years old I signed ‘Mom’ on a forgery for school when we had schools.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s just like dying in a corner.

NICK: The degree forgery is also from StarDestroyer1 University. Sentinel once again kind of waves to get everybody’s attention.

CAMERON: “Oh, hey Sentinel.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Again, I forgot you were here.”

CAMERON: “You really need to be more assertive and talk more.”

NICK: “Well, I just… It’s an interesting conversation and I’ve got some time to burn. Like I said, I thought we were gonna be doing this a few days from now.”

HUDSON: “Use your words.”

NICK: “I will use my words.”

LAURA: “Okay. We are going to Sesid.”

NICK: “You are going to Sesid.”

LAURA: “To meet a person.”

NICK: “To meet a ship. Interestingly, this is an Outer Rim world, but you all are so far out there that you’re actually heading towards the Core, so the trip shouldn’t take too long. Isn’t that fun?”

CAMERON: “How handy?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

HUDSON: “I saw this on a commercial I think. Was this a destination where people, like, vacation?”

NICK: “I wouldn’t worry about that too much.”

CAMERON: “That seems like a really weird answer to Tink’s question.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Wait, wait, can we go back? We are meeting a ship?”

NICK: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “A ship, not a sheep.”

LAURA: “I know! Okay! I understand! So we are going onto a ship, SHIP—“

NICK: “I know it’s hard. Don’t let them get to you.”

LAURA: “Then we are going to meet someone on this vessel.”

NICK: “Yes… Well, so this is a crew I am hiring to smuggle you onto the planet. You will identify them by the name of their ship. Go talk to them and they will give you more information. I don’t want to give you all of the details over the coms, because you know, intercepted communication and things like that. Basically, if you go to Sesid, it is a little bit of a vacation destination. That is true.”

HUDSON: “Yes!”

NICK: “There is a small Imperial garrison there, but it’s mostly around the pharmaceutical research facility that they have, so just don’t go near that and they should leave you alone. You should have no problems.”

LAURA: “Sure. Why not?”

NICK: “Yeah. So, you’re looking for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. It should be coming towards you—“

CAMERON: “I’m sorry. Repeat?!”

NICK: “Uh, Tallahassee Quagmire?”

CAMERON: (laughing) “I recognize the ship name.”

NICK: “I wouldn’t know anything about that, but the Force does work in mysterious ways. They probably won’t be there for a day or two, so all you really need to do is go land on Sesid, their main port town is called Thrinaka, I would go there. Normally that’s where everybody gets sent anyway unless the island is full. Just hang out for a couple of days. Keep an eye on the births, wait and see—And I mean births like where ships go. I saw you all looking at me like that.”

CAMERON: (giggling)

LAURA: “Oh, not the number of babies born?”

CAMERON: “I was thinking like marine wildlife? Like what are we talking here?”

NICK: “No. Keep an eye on the parking records for the ships, and when you see the Tallahassee Quagmire park just go talk to them. It should be fairly simple. This is me giving you all of the information that I can without putting you at risk. How is that? Better? You feel pretty comfortable with your mission briefing here?”

HUDSON: “So, we’re gonna get paid to go on vacation?”

NICK: “Well,, this is part of the final job where you’re collecting the paycheck, so kind of?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

LAURA: “Okay, but what kind of vacation destination is it? Is it like lots of shopping, or is it skiing? Is that a thing in Star Wars? I’m sure it is.”

NICK: “I’ll be honest. I haven’t done a ton of research on this planet. This is where the contact said they would meet you. I just send you there. It sounds nice, maybe kind of tropical, that’s about all I know.”

CAMERON: “Ooh~”

LAURA: “Tink, you said you know. What kind of vacation? I need to know what to pack.”

CAMERON: “We’re taking the whole ship, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Yes, but once we get off the ship!”

CAMERON: “Then you’ll be there.”

LAURA: “Yes, but again, I carry my things with me in case, you know, you have to bolt in the night.”

HUDSON: “I understand that you want to be prepared, so I will explain what the commercial is like. So we got this drone shot passing over everybody. For some reason there’s only like one race of people that they show in the—“

LAURA: “Humans, yes.”

HUDSON: “Just Humans, yeah, it’s a little odd that way. There’s a lot of pools. There’s this beach with this wonderful blue water, and—“

LAURA: “So it is a beach?”

CAMERON: “Let him describe the commercial.”

HUDSON: “I mean—Okay, there’s not water on the beach.”

LAURA: “I know the beach does not have the water on it. The water is next to the beach. The beach is the raised up part coming out of the ocean.”

HUDSON: “You’re a smarty-pants, but yeah. So, what we got going on here is you got nice waves crashing into the side, you got little bungalows that you can lay in and relax, and there’s this little fortress looking thing where you can get drinks out of it. There’s like a kid area, I’m too big for it, but they have this mushroom looking thing that water comes out of and then slides, so it looks really fun but there’s not an adult version of that which I think is a scam. At least it didn’t show that in the commercial. My thinking is it doesn’t have the adult version of the kids area.”

NICK: Time out. (laughter) A fortress thing full of drinks…

HUDSON: What I’m talking about is like, you know with the thatch—

LAURA: You mean a swim-up cabana bar?

HUDSON: Cabana! Yeah, cabana bar.

NICK: Okay, but there’s gonna be a literal fortress of alcohol here.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: And then a big waterpark type thing.

HUDSON: Yeah, but for kids.

CAMERON: With mushrooms, but only for kids.

LAURA: I know the ones that he’s talking about.

NICK: It’s gonna be an aquatic Felucia is what that particular thing is gonna be. It’s gonna look like Pandora. Okay, continue.

HUDSON: “Normally it’s thirteen ninety-nine Credits per day for one of the nicer suites, but for a limited time according to the commercial you can get it for ninety-nine ninety-nine

LAURA: “Wait…”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Wait…”

HUDSON: “Oh! Oh! Forgot the decimal!”

CAMERON: “Please explain where your decimal points are.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “The decimal is third to the left…? It’s 999.99, forgot a 9 there.”

CAMERON: “(laughs) Okay.”

HUDSON: “So, 999.99 is what you can pay to get your own bungalow and resort hotel room, in this amazing location…”

LAURA: “I… (exhales)”

HUDSON: “…however I believe Sentinel is paying for us to enjoy this.”

LAURA & CAMERON: “Is it all inclusive?”

HUDSON: “I mean…”

LAURA: “Is that per person or per room?”

HUDSON: “That is per room, as many people as you can fit in the room.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “This commercial was very extensive, obviously.”

LAURA: “Okay, but we don’t necessarily have to stay at that resort, do we?”

HUDSON: “If you want the time of your life, according to the commercial you do!”

LAURA: “Wait. Sentinel, you are here, correct? Yes.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. I guess I’m still here. I forgot.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “You are still on this call. So, are you paying for us to stay at this resort?”

NICK: “Um…”

LAURA: “That was what Tink said.” Heh.

NICK: “Part of your payment for the previous jobs was to help cover expenses, so…”

LAURA: “So yes.”

NICK: “Well, we already paid you.”

LAURA: “yes, but these are new expenses. Expenses work that way sometimes.”

NICK: “Have you ever had an allowance?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

NICK: “So, there’s like this idea that you periodically hand people who you are responsible for a set amount of money that they can then use to take care of themselves.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm.”

NICK: “You have gotten your allowance.”

CAMERON: (false childish voice) “It’s been a week, though. We need new allowance.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “I know how this works! I had twins.”

LAURA: “It sounds like you are describing a job.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, it’s the deal of a lifetime!”

CAMERON: “Xianna, that is what this is.” (laughs)

LAURA: “And so, you know when there is new work you get new money.” (laughs)

NICK: If Xianna or Karma would like to roll a Negotiation check to try to get the room covered…

LAURA: Heh. For Negotiation, Karma would probably have more.

CAMERON: I have a yellow and two greens.

NICK: You can also do a team check, but I want to flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty first? While we figure it out.

NICK: Two purple and a red.

CAMERON: Alright, a Negotiation.

LAURA: (smiling) Could I just roll a Charm instead?

NICK: No, because you’re literally negotiating payments for a job.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: I think that one’s pretty clear. Sorry.

LAURA: Okay~ I’ll roll it. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Two purple and a red. If you guys want to do a combined check and pool your stuff you more than are welcome to.

LAURA: We can do that. I’ll help.

CAMERON: What’s your Presence?

LAURA: Three, so it will be a blue die. All my stuff is about lying~

(laughter)

NICK: That makes sense.

CAMERON: And my other tree is just about killing, so… Four advantages?

NICK: Wow. For four advantages… “Here’s the deal. If I keep giving you more and more money before we achieve objectives I won’t be able to do things like pay my informants that are finding me the people for Beta Squad, or making sure that the spies are still alive on the planets you may go to. So, I am not going to be able to give you more liquid funds at this time. However, I’ve been to Sesid before…”

CAMERON: “Can we file an expense report?”

NICK: “I mean, keep track of the amount of money you spend, we could talk about it later, but I’m probably not gonna be giving you any money. I do have some contacts at the resort, if you go and find Gungan, he’s a bartender on the planet. It will be pretty easy to find him, I bet.”

HUDSON: “Makes the best mojitos?”

NICK: “Yeah, actually. This is weird that you know all this.”

LAURA: “Tink, have you been here before?”

HUDSON: “No, I just gathered a lot from the commercial.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Those are very specific commercials.”

CAMERON: “Oh. Was he one of the people they interviewed?”

HUDSON: “No, it wasn’t an interview.”

CAMERON: “Just a lot of smiling people as a guy with a nametag handed people mojitos?”

HUDSON: “Yeah!”

CAMERON: “Yeah…”

NICK: “yeah. Well, if you go and talk to him and you mention my name he may be able to get you the employee rate or comp the rooms.”

CAMERON: “Can I get a species, please?”

NICK: “Yeah. He’s actually one of the native species to Sesid. He’s a Draedan. It’s like a green scaly person with red eyes. There are quite a few Draedans, but none of them are named Gungan as far as I know.”

CAMERON: “Well, except for the one you’re sending us to find.”

NICK: “Absolutely, there aren’t multiples. He/him pronouns, if that helps. Are there any other questions? I’m really trying hard to be open and honest with you all and share any information you might need without compromising your mission, which I may have already done mentioning the next two planets you go to, but I’ll do the best I can.”

LAURA: “It’s okay! I already forgot them.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, I didn’t write them down.”

NICK: “That’s fine. I will remind you as we move on.”

CAMERON: “I want you to remember that you said that, so when we don’t remember the next planet name you don’t judge us too harshly.”

NICK: “I’ll try not to.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

NICK: “So, if there’s nothing else… Go ahead and end the call—Bye.”

LAURA: “Okay, byeee~!”

NICK: He flickers out of existence. HK-67 says, “Commentary: You all do not have much of a professional demeanor.”

LAURA: “No, we do not.”

HUDSON: “No one asked you!”

CAMERON: “It’s hard to be professional when you bring your kids with you.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “Who are you calling a kid?”

CAMERON: (casually) “Huh?”

HUDSON: “Who are you—What kids do we got here?”

LAURA: “You!”

HUDSON: “Um… Pretty sure I’m an adult.”

LAURA: “Uh, I’m sorry, you ate 2,000 popsicles.”

CAMERON: “Tink, if we get you in on the kids rate I’m pretty sure I can get you on the slide.”

HUDSON: “What child is seven feet tall and has a vibro-axe?”

CAMERON: “Tink, how many Gigorans are out there?”

HUDSON: “I mean—“

CAMERON: “Vacationing on Sesid.”

LAURA: “We will just lie to them. We will say that—“

CAMERON: “We will say you are a child.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “Once again, it’s majority Human, so…”

LAURA: “So they won’t know.”

CAMERON: “Exactly. They’re not gonna know. They’re gonna think you’re a white Wookie and we’ll say no, he’s a Gigoran, he’s seven years old…”

LAURA: “And that is a child age.”

CAMERON: (forcefully) “…and he wants to go on the slide.”

HUDSON: “I can crouch I suppose, and I wouldn’t want to go on the slide.”

LAURA: “No, you don’t need to crouch. We will just tell them that your height is a normal height for a Gigoran child, and you don’t bring your vibro-axe, because you should not bring your axe to a swimming pool full of regular people.”

HUDSON: “Okay, so let me try this out… Goo-goo gaga.”

LAURA: “No, just speak normally.”

CAMERON: “No, not a baby, a child.”

HUDSON: “Alright… Fortnight.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay. You got it. You’re good.”

NICK: … Great.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: So, Sentinel does ping you the coordinates of Sesid and Thrinaka, the city that you need to go to meet up so that you don’t have to space Google it, and we get a shot of the ship rotating about 45 degrees and then snapping back into hyperspace, and it’s about a day’s journey away. How do you spend your time?

CAMERON: Karma goes hunting for the thing in the carpet next to the hot tub.

NICK: We get this shot of Karma in like, cleaning up the house for-serious clothes, so rolled up sleeves and her head scarf is tied down real tight, and she has her sword poised above a bump in the carpet and is just murderously watching it to see if it moves. Do you want to roll some sort of check to try to kill whatever it is?

CAMERON: Can I roll Hunting?

LAURA: Two light side! Does that… What does that mean?

(laughter)

CAMERON: What does that mean? Is it a cute and fluffy bunny?

NICK: It is not a cute and fluffy bunny.

CAMERON: Okay. I don’t want to kill it until I know what it is.

NICK: Okay. Maybe make me a Survival check to try to track it down in the bowels of the ship?

HUDSON: It’s a flerken.

NICK: No flerkens. We’ll get sued.

CAMERON: Please~!

LAURA: Flerkens~! We’ll store stuff in him…

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. You find it, as I frantically Google ‘rat’ on Wookipedia. Ooh, that’s cool. Want it to look like this?

CAMERON: Oh gosh, that’s terrifying. I wanted to give Tink a pet.

NICK: How big is a womp rat, like two meters long?

LAURA: Three meters.

CAMERON: Large.

NICK: That is too big. Let’s not do that.

CAMERON: It’s a really big lump under the carpet.

HUDSON: I’m a big guy.

LAURA: Or about the size of an exhaust port. Heh. There’s a loth-rat.

NICK: A kwar-rat… Is there a loth-rat? Just in the poem.

LAURA: Yeah. Just in the poem, but seeing as how we see loth-cats and loth-wolves, I would assume they didn’t just make one up. They exist.

NICK: Minced loth-rat pie was popular among the local citizens.

LAURA: Ooh!

NICK: Alright. We’ll say it’s a loth-rat. So, you stand on the dais that contains the hot tub and one of the bumps starts to move. It comes up out of the carpet, and you see a loth-rat. It looks like a rat but with a furred tail with a tuft at the end and it has big old fennec fox ears. It’s as cute as you can get while still being extremely ratty, and it is orange. It has orange fur, and it goes running out of the carpet and skittering down one of the hallways.

CAMERON: I chase it.

NICK: Okay. Are you trying to catch it?

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Alright. Make me an Athletics roll I guess, or we could do Survival again, trapping a rat.

CAMERON: I would rather do Athletics and use my Brawn.

NICK: Okay, so do that.

CAMERON: Because I’m better at Athletics.

NICK: We get a shot of Tink and Xianna sitting on a bench in the hallway talking and you just see a small furry thing run by and then Karma sprinting after it with her sword above her head.

CAMERON: Difficulty of the Athletics check?

NICK: Hard, and flip me another dark side point, would you? Upgrade this too. I like the idea of this thing living in your walls.

CAMERON: I don’t.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: I want it to live in a cute cage in Tink’s room. Whoa, shit. (laughs)

NICK: Is that a despair?

CAMERON: Just… It’s a despair and a failure.

NICK: A despair and a failure…

CAMERON: Everything else wiped out.

NICK: Hmm…

HUDSON: It dies.

NICK: No… Okay. You chase it down the hall, it disappears into the engine room, and you see that it’s gotten up into the ventilation ducts. From the way the holes are and from what you know of the ship, this thing is gonna be super-duper hard to catch ever, because it must have gotten into the walls of the ship. The good news is, since you didn’t have any threats or anything, it’s not damaging the ship, it seems to just be eating the garbage and living its best life. But yeah, it’s somewhere in there. You were not able to catch it.

CAMERON: “Tiiink!”

HUDSON: “What?”

CAMERON: “There’s a rat in your engine.”

HUDSON: “Oh… I don’t know. That sounds like an adult job, and I thought I was a kid.”

CAMERON: “No, this is an engineering job and that’s still what it says.”

LAURA: “That is your job.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Alright, I’ll figure it out.”

CAMERON: “If we’re going with the kid thing, engineering is your chore.”

HUDSON: “Do we want to get rid of it or get it?”

CAMERON: “I don’t know. It’s pretty cute.”

HUDSON: “Because I can turn on the heaters in the ventilation.”

LAURA: “Don’t do that!”

CAMERON: “I’d rather not smell the cooking loth-rat.”

HUDSON: “Loth-rat?”

CAMERON: “Yeah! It’s cute, it’s orange, it has big old ears, and a floppy tail.”

LAURA: “Is it just like back in the wires?”

CAMERON: “It went into the wall.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “I’m not saying that there’s anything we can do right now, I’m just letting you know that somewhere in the engine is a rat.”

LAURA: “Hold on. Where did you see it go into the wall?”

CAMERON: Karma points to the hole that it went into.

NICK: Yeah. The Afternoon Delight has small air ducts, not climbable air ducts. They’re like the size of those plastic pipes you can use for drainage in your yard. You could roll a softball down it probably. There’s bits of it that are exposed as they come out into the engine room and connect to the atmospheric control and things, and there is a… it’s not even a hole so much as some of the seal that connects two of the pipes together was gone and it managed to squeeze into there. The fact that it’s able to get into a spot that small means it may not even still be in the ventilation system. It could be in the shielding or the wiring or a couch. This thing is gonna be pretty hard to track down.

LAURA: “Okay. We put out some snacks. We put them out and we wait for the loth-rat to come get the snacks.”

HUDSON: “We’ll need to have a trap, too.”

LAURA: “Well yes, but you know, it will get hungry and will come eat. Nom-nom.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “That sounds good to me. I won’t do anything to roast the rat.”

CAMERON: “Something gives me the impression that it’s not actively hurting the ship, it’s just gonna be really hard to catch.”

NICK: (snickers)

HUDSON: “I guess that’s just all up to god.”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

NICK: Space god. So, we see a small little smorgasbord set out somewhere that’s clearly visible, but for the duration of the trip nothing comes out. You scared it pretty good. This will be something you’ll have to pursue at a later date. Do you do anything else on the ship during this journey?

HUDSON: Yeah, after this I kinda start to mumble, (mumbles), I’m a kid, sure, whatever, I’m just… Fine, if I’m a kid… And then I walk into my room and I sit on the bed, but I do it in this awful posture like I’m trying to not even care about how I sit, and I start to play video games.

NICK: Cool, so you’re pouting and giving into your inner hormones. Great. Laura, is Xianna doing anything during this time besides staking out for this loth-rat?

LAURA: Yeah. She alternates between setting up different snack combinations that she thinks a loth-rat would enjoy, (laughter) so various cheesy crackers or various little snack cakes, little candies, setting them out. Every so often she’ll move them around a little bit. “No-no-no, this one is not correct. Maybe if we put the little cakes first, and then the crackers, it will come out.” Also, going through the costume closets to find swimsuits.

NICK: Okay. You are able to find whatever swimsuits that you think would be appropriate, and we will get to those…

LAURA: I pack swimsuits for everyone else.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, okay.

LAURA: I pull out swimsuits and put them into little beach bags for everyone, and any accessories I find in the costume closet that I think they would also want, in coordinating bags.

NICK: Nice. So, we get all that. Around that time, as everybody settles in and relaxes for the duration of the journey, the ship snaps out of hyperspace and in the distance we see a beautiful blue ball of the planet Sesid spotted with black and green dots. We get a cool shot of that and the ship slowly looping towards it, and that’s where we’ll end the episode.

CAMERON: Ba-na~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 31 Smooth Criminals

PDF download: Episode 31 Smooth Criminals

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 31:
Smooth Criminals

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First of all, we have a new iTunes review! alchimage2, thank you for taking the time to review our show and thank you for your kind words.

We also have some new Patrons this week. Elaine and Steve, thank you for your extremely generous donation, and thank you for buying me dinner this weekend. Elaine and Steve are my parents, and they’re just fantastic people. Thank you for supporting this thing that we love. With their generous donation we’ve hit our next Patreon goal. We can now actually cover the overhead for our podcast, paying for the hosting fees, transcription costs, and other expenses. We are geared up and ready for our celebratory, super niiice, pizza party. We’ll be streaming it on Twitch on Sunday the 28th at 7 PM Central Time. Stop on by and celebrate with us as we eat pizza and play games. There may even be a surprise culinary creation by our very own Laura. There will be links on the website and all of our social media. Our next goal is within reach and would unlock a lot of new content. When we reach $150 we’ll create the Hot Tub Hangout tier for Patreon, allowing for some private streams with us playing games, Q&As, a special Discord channel, and movie nights with the squad. An extremely heartfelt thank you to all of our Patreon backers. We’re honored by your support.

Additional music this week is Hard Fight by manuel senfft, and Bottoms Up by Morphamish.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello, and welcome to Episode 31 of Tabletop Squadron! I’m your host and game master, Nick. We’re back again! … Good for us.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jazz. Up next—

CAMERON: Uh, it’s jizz, actually.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jizz.

NICK: (groans) I don’t wanna talk about the texture of the jizz. Let’s go around the table and everybody—

CAMERON: So smooth. (laughs)

NICK: Uck.

LAURA: Up next, we’re gonna take some listener calls~

NICK: (chuckles) No thanks. I don’t- We’ll just tweet at them. Tweet at us if you want to do listener calls for smooth jizz.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Go around the table, everybody say who you are, who you’re playing, starting with Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Up next we have our special guest today, Austin! Hello Austin.

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing Valorissia Creed, the Human technician.

NICK: Oh boy. Up after that we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Everything’s gonna go great. It’s gonna be fine. Nothing’s gonna go wrong.

NICK: Sounds good, and I definitely believe that. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello listeners. I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: My first thought, I don’t know why, but I was like, hello, I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I will be playing- (laughs)

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and today I will be playing the part of Nick, the GM.

NICK: Before we go to the summary, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two dark side.

AUSTIN: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: One dark side. Oopsies.

CAMERON: It’s okay. You didn’t fuck up as much as me~

NICK: Great. It will be fine.

AUSTIN: You have a big pool today.

CAMERON: Four light side, three dark side is our start.

NICK: Great. We’re gonna give one more try with this test pilot of everyone else giving a summary of what happened last episode. Take it away, everyone but me.

AUSTIN: We did a lot of planning.

LAURA: Yeah. There’s a lot of planning, a lot of notes.

CAMERON: Things that we know about that are security things we shall have to overcome during this heist: two victory class star destroyers, the Hammer and Sickle, which we have bypassed already; the atmo in the hallways is only there when the people are in them; and you can’t communicate with anyone outside of the facility from inside the facility. The path to the vault is as follows: cage, eye scanner, cameras watching, elevator, pressure-sensitive hallway, combo lock on vault. There is a piece of technology of indeterminate size located in the vault that Val wants, and we shall retrieve.

LAURA: And we ran into Mills.

CAMERON: Oh yeah! We found Mills!

LAURA: And he is unconscious in our little hidey hole, and Val was able to get into the computer room and get Tink into the computer room. It went great.

AUSTIN: No problem.

LAURA: No problems at all.

NICK: Mechanical hacking.

LAURA: And now Tink can do all the fun hacking.

NICK: Great. We’ll pick it up there. We’ll start with Tink. The rest of the crew is situated with Mills ready for the go-ahead, and Tink is in the security room, just attempted to crack his knuckles, and…

CAMERON: Hurt himself. (laughs)

NICK: …hurt himself a little bit, and what are you doing?

HUDSON: I look up at the screen. “This is a Unix system. I know this.”

(laughter)

NICK: Gah. What are you doing? What are you trying to bypass? What are you trying to do for the crew?

HUDSON: So, the first thing I try to do is make sure the cameras are disabled.

NICK: Okay. You’re disabling all the cameras in the whole place.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okie-dokie. That will be a slicing check. Are you just plugging into one of the terminals nearby? Are you trying to find the main node? Are you going in through the wiring? How are you going in?

HUDSON: Oh. I try to login through the main computer.

NICK: Okay. The bigger computer. You press some light up buttons, because it’s Star Wars.

HUDSON: I’m using my thing, my outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: You’re gonna have two black dice because the way the security system is setup it specifically looks for an outlaw tech data breaker.

HUDSON: I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable a security device or open a locked door.

NICK: Well there you go.

AUSTIN: How convenient.

HUDSON: So that’s one black die.

NICK: Yeah. This is gonna be hard, so three purple.

LAURA: Oh, well fuck you. (laughs)

HUDSON: Oh god. I have one advantage.

NICK: So, the system is really kicking your ass here.

HUDSON: However, I can reroll that Computers check.

NICK: Do you want to spend that now?

AUSTIN: Is that a once per session?

HUDSON: Yeah, it’s once per session, because I have the skill Natural Programmer.

CAMERON: And the advantage is they don’t notice.

NICK: Do you have to flip destiny points or anything to do that, or just once per session?

HUDSON: Nope, just once per session.

NICK: That is, uh, incredibly handy.

LAURA: I have a similar thing. I have Natural Rogue, so I can do the same thing with Skulduggery or Stealth.

NICK: I have Natural GM.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: I can reroll a GM check once per day.

CAMERON: So sometimes he just doesn’t have to roll and can just say what happens. (smiling)

HUDSON: I got five successes.

NICK: Yeah. All the cameras are off, and you do it in such a way that nobody is suspicious of the fact the cameras are off.

LAURA: Well, he could loop them or something.

NICK: Yeah, but even the loop tells them nothing. Security cameras are scratched off the list. They are no longer a concern, and you are very into the system.

HUDSON: I go, “get wrecked.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “I’m assuming that means the cameras are off?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. Val, you and I go to the cage now. Karma and Hank, you shoot people. Yes.”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: That’s an obvious statement.”

LAURA: “Yes, I know, I’m just making sure… Okay. You had some sort of override. I don’t know.”

AUSTIN: “We don’t need to shoot anyone yet. We still haven’t been compromised.”

LAURA: “Yeah. We haven’t been caught.”

AUSTIN: “We did such a good job at taking down those cameras, and you know, we got this dude over here that hit the ceiling.”

NICK: “Hopeful Statement: He looks like a threat. Would you like me to put him down?” And his gun, the barrels start to spin, (ascending whoosh).

CAMERON: “Not yet. Let’s keep the loud blaster fire to a minimum as to not attract. You can shoot people later.”

NICK: (descending whoosh)

HUDSON: I go back and meet Karma.

LAURA: “Tink, can you see what the cameras see? Can you still see what they’re seeing even though it’s not in the system anymore?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. What we are going to do is I’m going to go to the cage, Val is going to go put more explosives in places, and then once I get through the cage we meet back up. Okay? You need to tell us if there are going to be people, okay? You understand?”

HUDSON: “Okay. Yes, I’m on the lookout.”

LAURA: And then Xianna starts going to where the cage is.

NICK: You’re staying in the security room then?

HUDSON: Yeah. I’m actually on the lookout now.

CAMERON: Karma flips her blaster to kill.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Because we’re in an Imperial base, so fuck ‘em.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: There was an orchestral swell as you did.

CAMERON: And it did a close-up on it, and she goes (click-swish).

NICK: Cool. Alright, you’re heading straight for the vault then?

LAURA: Yeah, because we have to get through a cage to get into the thing.

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: Xianna was gonna start working on that while Val places a few more explosives in the building.

NICK: We’ll just assume, as you’re going through here, because there’s some more stuff here probably, you’re just slapping them on the walls, putting them under trash cans, just wherever.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Am I using a remote detonator or am I trailing my det-tape behind me as we go? (laughs)

NICK: I was assuming a remote detonator, but if you want to run det-tape to everything that’s an option.

CAMERON: I would say we probably sent HK with Xianna, since she’s a secondary user, so that she has fire support and Karma goes with Val, so if they encounter anyone who needs to get shot on the way to their destinations… we split up and go down the different hallways.

NICK: Okay. You’re snaking in and out, meeting around, and just kind of wreaking havoc as you go.

AUSTIN: Armed escorts.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And Tink is overseeing the whole thing from the security room.

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: You got enough successes on that, you’re in the system, you can do shit. You may find some deeper levels of security, you’ll have to hack again, but you can see a lot of what’s going on. So, you’re continuing down these hallways. You come to… Laura, I have a question for you.

LAURA: Yes?

NICK: What is the craziest security feature that Xianna has ever broken through?

LAURA: Ooh. Um… I mean, just thinking of things that they always have on these heist shows, there’s motion sensors and pressure sensors and heat detectors, all other sorts of detectors, and crazy laser grids. I mean, the weirdest security systems are always like those vibration sensors so if you move around it senses it.

NICK: We could go with that. As you’re heading down these hallways you notice that the cameras just stop, there’s a section that does not have them, and that’s suspicious. You see—Well, roll me a Skulduggery check, I guess.

LAURA: Can do!

AUSTIN: Where did we leave Mills?

NICK: I don’t know. Where did you leave Mills?

AUSTIN: Are we dragging him? Is he like over HK’s shoulder?

LAURA: I thought we brought him to the vent.

CAMERON: Nah, he’s back in that hallway handcuffed and unconscious. We probably handcuffed him to a pipe or something, removed his radio, things like that so that he can’t make contact.

AUSTIN: As a trained bounty hunter.

CAMERON: Duct taped his mouth shut.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

LAURA: What would be the—

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: –the hard? Okay. Do I get any sort of boost dice because I looked at plans?

NICK: Not on this one. There’s a lot of stuff not on the plans.

AUSTIN: Weird.

NICK: Turns out, they either had crappy contractors or were very secure, one or the other.

AUSTIN: It could also be that because Kuat is a company, so the company built it, and then the Imperials came in and said nah, you kind of need all of these things.

LAURA: I rolled a triumph with its success cancelled out, three failures, and four advantages.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) So, huh…

LAURA: Yeah…

NICK: So, you fail to see these tremor sensors, but you have a triumph and a bunch of advantages.

CAMERON: It was a good Cam roll.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Can it be that it does set off an alarm, but Tink is like immediately able to cancel it so it only goes off for half a little claxon, so maybe someone might be alerted but most people are just like oh, okay, never mind.

NICK: Yeah, so we’ll cut over to Tink in the security room. What are you doing, just watching them?

HUDSON: Yeah. I found some Twinkies.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: But not in that hallway, because he’s about to run out of cameras.

CAMERON: Tink has Twinkies!

HUDSON: It’s a server room, they’re gonna have snacks.

NICK: There’s all these camera displays and you saw the group walk off of the displays and there weren’t anymore, they just like vanished off the screens, but then you notice a screen that’s stuck in-set in a panel that has a wire diagram of a hallway, and you start to see dots appear on it, and the alarm goes (“WOMP”), and you go ‘oh, this is a tremor sensor,’ and you have a chance to try and hack it to turn it off. It’s gonna be a hard slicing check.

LAURA: Can I use my many advantages to give him blue dice?

NICK: Yep.

HUDSON: How many?

NICK: How many did you have, four?

LAURA: Yeah, I had like four advantages or something.

NICK: So that’s two blue dice, but you do still have two black dice, but one removed, so one black die for just the internal security here.

HUDSON: Plus two blue dice.

LAURA: And then for using your computer thing.

NICK: Yeah. You’re probably gonna be fine. It’s like someone’s good at hacking.

CAMERON: Weird!

AUSTIN: (smiling) And has an outlaw tech data breaker.

CAMERON: Look at us.

HUDSON: This might be the most dice I’ve ever rolled.

NICK & LAURA: That’s a lot.

NICK: May the Star Wars gods save me from competent characters.

LAURA: Oh, fuck…

HUDSON: I have two triumphs with the successes cancelled out and a threat.

CAMERON: Oh no.

LAURA: Yep.

NICK: Huh!

CAMERON: (giggles nervously)

LAURA: Great.

AUSTIN: Boy.

HUDSON: Now, when making a Computers check I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks within the system as maneuvers.

NICK: Okay. yeah, you can spend one of those triumphs to…

AUSTIN: Does that apply outside of combat?

NICK: It doesn’t say, so what we’ll say is technically you can use that to try to save this. The thing cycles up and gets through a full (power noise), and you’re like ‘oh no-no-no’ and you’re able to try again. That other triumph, be thinking about what you want to use that on.

HUDSON: So I just reroll this entire thing that I just had?

NICK: You’re missing two of those blue dice because you already spent those, but besides that, yes.

AUSTIN: I look at Karma and start looking excited.

CAMERON: (laughs) Our hallway, we’re like ‘oh fuck, they did something.’

HUDSON: I got a wash.

(laughter)

NICK: And we’re live, ladies and gentlemen!

HUDSON: What do I do with my triumph though?

CAMERON: Weren’t you just saying that we were good at things?

NICK: He is good at things!

AUSTIN: Turns out Nick made his prayer to the Star Wars gods, and he said we’re done sneaking.

HUDSON: So what I wanted to do with that was send out a coms, but like text coms or pager, of an alarm malfunction.

CAMERON: (laughs) Send out an email to all personnel.

HUDSON: To all personnel!

LAURA: Alarm malfunction, ignore.

CAMERON: Please ignore that. Whoops, my bad.

HUDSON: Please ignore.

AUSTIN: We’re doing a security test today. (laughs)

NICK: Okay…

HUDSON: Because that will still trigger something, like some people will come after me, but maybe not—

NICK: Oh, they absolutely will. So, here’s what happens. This is great.

CAMERON: (laughing) They’re not gonna come after you, they’ll come after that hallway.

NICK: You have activated Nick’s Security Measure #1. We’re gonna get a quick montage. That happens, you can’t cut power to it, it’s starting to go, and you put in a ticket for security malfunction. ‘I can’t turn this off. I don’t know what’s going on.’ So a bunch of IT people are annoyed. Some of them are headed to see you right now, because you had to put in a ticket to try to cover your tracks. We get a shot of a squad of stormtroopers that are hanging out in a barracks and that thing I said earlier, one of them stands up and says “And we’re live!” and then he gets a scroll on his com. “Oh, false alarm. It’s just a security malfunction.” They all (groan sadly) and sit back down.

The shot cuts to a couple of people in technician uniforms that are like “and we’re live! There’s an error! Let’s go, let’s go!” It’s two people dramatically running, and it zooms out to a map of the facility and they’re on the far side, so it’s gonna take them a while and they have to wait for the airlocks to cycle and for air to pump in, and then they run, so it’s gonna be a minute. You probably have 15 minutes for them to get to you from where they’re at.

HUDSON: I run and jam the door with my vibro-axe.

NICK: Oh, okay. The other thing that happened from you failing two hacking checks in a row is it cuts to a different barracks. Whereas the stormtrooper barracks had beds that were unmade and three of the stormtroopers were playing poker and stuff, this one just has one red light to preserve dark vision and two benches, and sitting in those benches in unison are stormtroopers in mat black armor that look very similar to the very first episode we did that were chasing you. The red light starts to silently flash and the one closest to the door stands up, looks at the red light, and through the speaker says, “and we’re live,” and does a roundabout gesture and signs, and they stand up all in unison and go out the doors. There are some intense stormtroopers starting to pursue this facility.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. You said you wanted to hack to mess with the airlocks for the technicians coming to see you?

HUDSON: Yes, I would like to do that, so another Computers check. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. Tink’s on the struggle bus today.

HUDSON: I have a success and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. It’s enough to slow them down. Whereas before they were going to get there about the time the rest of the crew got to the safe. Now it’s probably gonna be on their way out. You may have to deal with passing them in a hallway, but the timer will take longer. You set it up so that the airlock cycles are just as long as possible without arousing suspicion. (laughs) You see, because you can follow on the cameras, they get in the airlock and the technicians pull out their coms and start doodling with stuff, and you’re like oh these guys aren’t counting what the cycle is, so you set it that each one takes longer. (laughter) So yeah, you still got some time, and your door is barred so if anybody tries to get in you’re gonna hear this door mechanically malfunction, although having to get out will be interesting. I guess if you pull the axe out you’ll probably be okay.

So, we cut back to the rest of the crew. HK, Val, Karma and Xianna are all in this hallway and the claxon is (going off).

CAMERON: I thought Karma and Val were in a different hallway.

NICK: Well, you met up in the…

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: We met back up.

CAMERON: Oh okay.

AUSTIN: We just kept walking quickly while the alarms are going off.

LAURA: “Okay. We are going to book it to the cage. Let’s go, let’s go.”

NICK: Okay. You are running basically. You go past a bunch of doors and stuff. There are some scenes of you leaning up against a wall, and people walking by talking about this technical malfunction, there’s parts of laser grids and stuff that you just quickly step over, no problem, you know where they are. You get to the quote unquote ‘cage’ and it is a chromed out, durasteel box that goes around the elevator shaft which is not touching the ceiling, it’s just sticking out of the floor, you can see the elevator shaft. There is a gate on it with no discernable locking mechanism. Ooh~

CAMERON: Ooh~

LAURA: Okay. Can we do—I was about to say Investigation. It’s not Investigation.

CAMERON: Perception?

LAURA: I guess for me either a Skulduggery of looking to find a lock or a Perception?

AUSTIN: I start fingering the red cylinders on my belt.

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: The blaster ones are black. I have two red ones.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: So would it be a Skulduggery to try to break it?

NICK: Skulduggery would be trying to identify how this gate works.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: At this point while Xianna walks over to look at it—Do you touch it? He asked in his best GM voice.

LAURA: I don’t know if I would touch it. I would be mostly looking.

NICK: Okay. While she goes over to investigate, HK says, “Suggestion: We should setup firing positions here.”

AUSTIN: Can I do a Mechanics check to also look for a different set of problems?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: HK and I start shifting crates around and shit.

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty on this one? Hard?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: That was two successes and one advantage.

AUSTIN: A triumph and its success.

NICK: Okay. Between the two of you Xianna is able to figure out what this is and how it works, Val gets an idea for how to get through it. This is an electrified security cage by Kuat Drives. They sell this as a side thing. It is deadly, high power voltage which is not great, and the locks aren’t controlled from here, it’s remotely from another place, not the security system, it’s like a literal buzz-through button that’s down the hall. The only way to do it is have an appointment of ‘we’re gonna buzz this thing open,’ or have a friend go press it to let you through. The way that Val figures out how to get through this is, if there’s a way to insulate the door and apply a bunch of pressure just going up, they cut costs on the hinges and you may be able to bust this thing open.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: At this point HK is behind a cluster of crates with the gun set on it, and as the barrels spin, he’s just been keeping them spinning on and off pretty regularly to keep it spun up, and it rattles on the box. His face doesn’t move but he looks pretty excited. Karma pushes over some potted plants and some more crates and sets up her own cover. You haven’t seen anybody down this hallway in a while. This is high clearance.

AUSTIN: I just realized I have my hydrospanner still in my pocket. I have another advantage I can add to all of my Mechanics.

NICK: Oh. Nice.

LAURA: Xianna looks at Val. “You know how to get this open?”

AUSTIN: “Yup.”

LAURA: “Can you do it yourself?”

AUSTIN: “We’ll see.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. Good. I will be right here. Go ahead and you do that.” Xianna’s going through her pockets, and…

AUSTIN: I start ripping up floor panels looking for the way to turn the power off to this thing.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna takes out a small box, and opens up the box…

AUSTIN: I could ask Tink, but I don’t even think to, because he might have access to it but it’s not a thing I was thinking about.

CAMERON: Karma drags over her last potted plant with a small tree in it. “Tink, do you want to start working on the eye scanner?”

LAURA: There’s a small baggie in the box.

HUDSON: “Sure thing!” I start working on the eye scanner.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Let’s let Laura take her drugs.

LAURA: No, it’s fine. It’s like smash cut scenes, like they do in these things. They’re just cutting to different things, and then she has her baggie, and she snorts her impact.

NICK: “Supplication: Can I have that floor panel, please?”

AUSTIN: I give him the floor panel and I reach around the corner and I grab a small orange cone and I put it in front of the thing while I’m waist deep in this panel looking.

(laughter)

NICK: HK sets the floor panel in front of the crates and says, “This will help from heavy laser fire.” With your triumph you’re able to shut down the electricity pretty easily, so there’s no problem there, so it’s just applying the proper leverage.

AUSTIN: I just go try to lift it.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Brawn check, I guess?

AUSTIN: Brawn? Is the skill by itself just greens?

NICK: Uh, Athletics would be lifting heavy shit, if you have Athletics.

AUSTIN: Nope. I’m sure it will be fine.

NICK: This is average difficulty, because you know what you’re doing.

AUSTIN: Two threats.

NICK: You take 2 strain.

AUSTIN: Ow.

NICK: Yeah, trying to lift this, and it doesn’t go. Maybe if you ask someone for help or use a lever of some kind.

CAMERON: “You need help?”

AUSTIN: “Hey Karma, can you get over here and help me lift this thing? It’s a little bit heavier than I was hoping.”

CAMERON: “Yeah sure.” Karma swivels her blaster around her back and walks over and assists.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to pop the gate. It comes right off.

CAMERON: I am very athletic. (laughs)

AUSTIN: Perfect. Yeah.

NICK: Well, and there’s two of you. I think Val lets go and Karma’s just holding it.

CAMERON: “Do y’all wanna go in?”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, we go in. Okay bye!”

CAMERON: I set it back down, walk back over, swing my gun back around.

NICK: At this point several things happen all at once. Tink starts hacking to deal with the eye scanner on the elevator because you need that to get in, and you hear simultaneous clomping of feet and they are so in unison it’s hard to tell how many there are. Then you hear…

LAURA: “Oh no…”

NICK: “Security has been breached. Activate the alarm now.”

LAURA: “Val! Explosions!” Heh.

NICK: And a bunch of really scary, mat black stormtroopers come around this corner. Tink, you’ll notice they were not on the screens.

HUDSON: Huh.

NICK: They weren’t on the cameras.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: To hack the eyeball scanner?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: What’s the black die for again?

NICK: Because this thing has protocol specifically to keep you from using an outlaw tech data breaker on it, because they know that’s the toy people use. If you get a triumph you can spend it to get past that so it stops bothering you.

HUDSON: I have one success and four advantages.

NICK: One success and four advantages! Yeah, so you’re able to pop the eye screener. You basically just… There’s a folder, and in the folder is past logins, and you just drag the login from the past logins into the current login and it opens. They didn’t really think that one through all the way. They didn’t assume you would be this far into their system. There’s like the whole web, and you’ve just been like well here’s the application that handles this, let me play with that, and we’ll back out, and here’s the… You’re just in. You’re just making stuff happen. The elevator slides open, you’re able to get in. Val, do you detonate the explosives in the hallways?

AUSTIN: I reach into my pocket and pull out a canister.

NICK: Okay?

AUSTIN: It is a fuel air bomb.

NICK: (laughing) Oh god!

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “No, Val! Set off the other explosions. I think those were stormtroopers!”

AUSTIN: “We still gotta get out that way!”

LAURA: “No. We didn’t put explosions in that hallway.”

AUSTIN: I chuck the bomb down the hallway.

(laughter)

NICK: This one explodes big enough you probably want everyone to go down the elevator with you.

AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Okay. Do you have the stats for this thing?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s Mechanics skill, the damage is 9 + 10, it’s medium range, and it’s Concussive 1 and Knockdown.

NICK: Yeah. Go ahead and roll me that Mechanics check for the bomb.

AUSTIN: “You might want to get in now. This is gonna be a bit of a boom.”

NICK: HK looks up and we get the shot from his shoulders of his head tracking it very specifically as it goes sailing into the hallway. “Frantic: We do not want to be on this floor when that goes off.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma lifts the cage back up by herself. “Alright HK, get in there.”

NICK: You haven’t seen him move unsurely yet, and he’s like scrambling over his hands trying to get in the elevator. The stormtroopers kneel down and take up positions along the wall, and you hear their commander say, “Firing pattern beta, now!”

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty? I’m just chucking it down the hallway with a fuse on it.

NICK: It’s medium range, so two.

CAMERON: You said it’s a Mechanics check?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: He does Mechanics explosives.

CAMERON: You get your blue die for your hydrospanner?

AUSTIN: I get an advantage, I think. It specifically had the advantage symbol, so I just get an added advantage.

NICK: I mean, you don’t get to use your hydrospanner throwing a bomb.

HUDSON: Can I donate my four advantages?

NICK: For throwing a bomb?! You can use your advantages to shut a door in the hallway so the explosion’s gonna hit them harder if you want.

CAMERON: Yeah!

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do that.

AUSTIN: Yeah, let’s shut the door behind them.

NICK: So Tink sees the cylinder flying and is like, oh, and just starts shutting doors to try to shape the explosion at them.

AUSTIN: Three successes.

NICK: Yeah… You said it was 9 + 10 damage?

AUSTIN: Nine + 10. I don’t know what the difference…

CAMERON: Plus 3.

NICK: Either way, they’re in an enclosed space and you threw a fuel air bomb. So, what we see, because this is a PG-13 Star Wars movie, is they get in the elevator, Tink goes, oh, and starts shutting and opening doors and vents to force all the explosion into a smaller space. The stormtrooper leader says “Blast cover, blast cover,” and then we see the elevator start to sink as the doors are closing and just a huge gout of flame goes into the top of the elevator over everyone’s head, and the elevator starts to go down. That’s all we see. All of the cameras in that hallway, which you couldn’t see the stormtroopers on but you saw the bomb, Tink, all of the cameras are out. This is a black zone. Before they were off, now they are gone.

LAURA: Also, when we put the bombs in the other hallways, the ones Val set, they were not in the hallway from the elevator to our little safe section.

AUSTIN: On the side ones?

NICK: Yeah, they were like side hallways. That’s fine.

LAURA: They were other areas, so those wouldn’t have blown up our hallway. Our hallway is now blown up though, but…

AUSTIN: “Yeah, sorry Xianna. I just- The other ones were gonna cause structural harm, and a fuel air bomb really just blows the air up and all the things that breathe the air, so this way we still have a hole to get back out of.”

LAURA: “Yeah, okay, but so the other bombs were not going to blow this area up, so… we could have, you know.”

NICK: (starts humming peaceful elevator music)

AUSTIN: “Yeah, but I don’t wanna collapse it while we’re still here.”

LAURA: “No, they would have collapsed those hallways and killed those stormtroopers and not the hallway we were in. We would have been fine.”

AUSTIN: “We’ll blow it up on the way out.”

LAURA: “Okay. On the way out.” … (joins in the humming)

AUSTIN: “This is a really long elevator!”

(humming stops)

NICK, LAURA & CAMERON: It’s down 40 floors! (laughing)

LAURA: “Forty floors is a lot.”

AUSTIN: (laughing) I look up at the floor count and we’re on like 11.

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

CAMERON: “Okay. Everybody get to the sides. HK, you setup on that side of the door, I’ll setup on this side of the door. Y’all get behind us.”

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: “Acknowledgement: Okay.” (gun powers up)

CAMERON: “Feel free to shoot anybody you see, HK.”

NICK: “I’m smiling.”

LAURA: “Tink! Tink! Make sure the walkway we are going down to is pressurized, atmosphere, you know.”

HUDSON: “Not pressurized?! It’s hard to hear you.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No. Tink, you need to make sure we can go into the hallway.”

HUDSON: “Oh!”

AUSTIN: If the rock itself blocks signals, as we get lower do we–

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

NICK: Flip me a dark side point, would you?

AUSTIN: (laughs nervously) Weird!

LAURA: I mean, Tink was already told all of this.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: Tink should know, but…

NICK: (musically) Dramatic tension.

AUSTIN: Now all he can do is look in the cameras if there are any down there.

HUDSON: So I’m looking, and yes, I set it up.

AUSTIN: You can probably see sensors and stuff anyway.

NICK: You’ve been adding atmo before, and then weirdly they were mostly going through hallways with people close enough that the stuff was aired, which is why you haven’t run into that stuff so far. What you do see in the hallway is two very large battle droids on either side of the vault door. They look like the super battle droids, but their legs are like big old tank treads and they have arms with tri-barreled heavy blasters on them and shoulder mounted rocket launchers, and they’re just staring at the elevator like they’re part of a newly added security system or something. You can’t contact them through coms, but you see that this is coming. So… yep. (hums elevator music)

HUDSON: “Uh… Um. Oh my. Oh my. Uh… Ooh… Eh… I’m gonna just trust that they can take a handle on that one. They got this.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘I have faith in my team!’

NICK: Tink finds a very interesting quadruple-encrypted file on the computer and you just start fiddling with that. You’re like ‘they got this! What is this? Why is it so hidden?’ You’ll get into it if you spend time on it, but that’s why you’re letting them do this.

LAURA: So, we were standing in the elevator in a specific order is what I heard? Yes?

CAMERON: yes.

AUSTIN: We’re flat against the wall.

CAMERON: Xianna and Val are behind Karma and HK to where the elevator doors open in the middle, there’s always the small space on either side, so both Karma and HK are setup on those on each side with their guns ready, and then mostly blocking Val and Xianna, and we’re ready.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: And the doors go (PING) and slide open, and basically the lobby music from The Matrix starts. Good luck, Nick, finding a royalty-free version of it that’s close enough. So the droids both are already pointed at the door and you just hear a robot voice say “Contact!” and then they start getting ready to unload.

HK says, “Gleefully: Contact!” And we’re gonna roll initiative~ Hudson, if you want to roll initiative for Tink too, you can use a round to do stuff to affect the room if you would like.

HUDSON: Okay.

LAURA: Is it Cool or–?

NICK: This one’s definitely Vigilance.

AUSTIN: They know we’re here.

NICK: You all can have a blue die for it, because you were prepped in case there was somebody in the hallway.

LAURA: Oh boy!

AUSTIN: One success and five advantages.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: One success and two advantages.

LAURA: I got a triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

CAMERON: I got three advantages, yeah, and I roll yellows. They just didn’t, guys.

NICK: Can you roll me two greens and a yellow for HK, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages.

NICK: And then can you roll me two yellows twice?

CAMERON: One success, three advantages. Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. The order for initiative on this is going to be a PC, an NPC, two PCs, an NPC, and then two PCs. That being said, there were nine advantages and a triumph on this that you can spend to add things to this scene to be advantageous.

AUSTIN: How many bad guys are there?

NICK: Two.

AUSTIN: Okay. Just the big tank things?

NICK: Yes. They’re very strong. So, if you want to add stuff to this room now would be a good time.

LAURA: How far apart are they already?

NICK: They are the width of a double door apart, so roughly two meters apart. Also they have four advantages, but don’t worry about it.

LAURA: It’s okay. I had a triumph. Can we use one of the advantages to get through the coms just a little bit and tell Tink to manually half way close the elevator doors, so we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: No, but you can spend two advantages just for the doors to get stuck half way.

CAMERON: Yeah~

LAURA: Like we have a jam button?

NICK: Like they start shooting and the doors short out.

CAMERON: The doors start to close and they hit the control panel which means that the doors stop moving, because that’s how Star Wars works.

LAURA: So we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: Yep. That works.

AUSTIN: Can I look at the floor and see that one of the pressure plates has an outlaw tech logo in the corner, and it’s actually one of the spring plates from the station?

NICK: (laughs) yeah. Sure.

CAMERON: Heheheh.

NICK: There’s a spring plate in the floor.

HUDSON: What defensive measures are in the room that I can use?

NICK: I’ll just say that you know, because you can’t talk to them. There is an arc electricity turret thing in the roof of the elevator that they’re currently using for cover. It probably would go off and shock the crap out of them pretty soon. There’s also one above the door above the droids.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Those are the main things. There’s also all those pressure plates. Apparently one is the opposite of a pressure plate and is a spring plate.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Boing!

NICK: But those set off a bunch of things. We’ll also just go with it. Also the air vents are all rigged with poisonous gas canisters that can fill the room at any time. Luckily that’s activated from where you’re sitting.

HUDSON: Got it. So we haven’t used the triumph yet?

NICK: Nope.

LAURA: Do we want to do something like one of the droid’s motion sensors, or whatever they use to ‘see,’ air quotes, is malfunctioning so its aim is slightly off?

NICK: Cool. It will have two black dice all the time forever. Help me remember that. You notice one of its eyes is just dangling on circuits and the other one keeps blinking. It can’t see real good.

AUSTIN: Does it look suspicious, like it has a ping-pong ball instead of an eye?

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Yeah. Someone put a googly eye over the broken visual sensor.

CAMERON: And drew on a smiley face.

NICK: Yeah. Someone in IT likes to have fun.

AUSTIN: So we got a smiley droid and a serious droid.

NICK: Yeah. We get a quick cut to those two technicians coming to check on Tink in the office, because he put in the ticket, and they’ve been in the same airlock for like four minutes and they’re just playing rock, paper, scissors not paying attention. Cool, so that’s the setup. First up is a PC slot. Who would like to go first?

LAURA: Xianna has a grenade. (laughs)

CAMERON: I feel like HK or Karma would shoot first though, because we had y’all behind cover, so in the time that the doors open and we judged the scenario HK would start laying down cover fire or something before you analyzed the situation.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: Remember that Xianna is all jacked up on Mountain Dew, AKA impact. She would be jumpy.

AUSTIN: Grenade time! (laughs)

LAURA: So we could have HK shoot first since HK is programmed to do that.

CAMERON: Yeah, because HK is gonna have the best reaction time out of any of us, because he is droid.

NICK: “Expletive: Fuck yeah I am.”

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Okay. We’ll let HK go first. It’s medium range. Let’s look up the stats I gave him for this gun… His ranged heavy is going to be, ooh, two yellows and two greens.

AUSTIN: Turns out a murder droid is good at murdering.

NICK: Yeah, no shit.

CAMERON: Weird.

NICK: He’s gonna aim too, so give him a blue die. That will be the pool.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. How many advantages?

CAMERON: Three.

NICK: Heehee, he gets to go again. His gun shoots automatic, so he can spend advantages to hit them multiple times. What he’s doing, he basically has a mini-gun thing, so he can spend advantages that multiple bullets hit, because he shoots very fast.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Yep. Cool. He is going to do… that’s 24 damage.

CAMERON: (snickers)

NICK: I’ll say he shoots the one that does see well, because he doesn’t like him.

AUSTIN: His analysis is that this is more dangerous.

NICK: He peppers through the droid. It does have a lot of soak, and he only has Pierce 1. He almost kills it.

CAMERON: Alright. Another additional tidbit about auto-fire, before you roll the check you can say that you’re targeting more than one person.

NICK: Okay. That’s useful. He wasn’t.

CAMERON: So, you can allocate hits to different targets, so you can do like a full pass.

NICK: Suppressing fire, potentially.

CAMERON: If it’s two separate targets the GM chooses which target is the initial target.

NICK: Right. … Wait, that’s me.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Eh.

CAMERON: There you go. You get to decide. (laughs)

NICK: Cool. This one on the left, the one that isn’t malfunctioning and stuff, is particularly bulky. It has extra armor plating and stuff. HK says, “Gleefully: Suppressing fire!” It just peppers it with bullets. The thing is sparking and smoking but not quite down. It is very, very, very hurt though. That’s that one. Now it’s an NPC slot. We’re gonna go with the one that just got shot. It’s gonna shoot its concussive missile on its shoulder into the elevator.

AUSTIN: (coughs) Ooh boy.

NICK: (smiling) That’s what it’s gonna do.

LAURA: Say if I have Dodge, which is when targeted in combat I may perform a dodge incidental, how does that work when it’s targeting a whole group?

CAMERON: I have the same question. (laughs)

NICK: I would say as the missile is flying you can take your dodge to step out of the elevator, which would give you cover.

CAMERON: Okay.

LAURA: Well, the dodge is to upgrade the difficulty of their attack by that number.

NICK: What we’ll do, because this is a blast thing, I’ll let you use it to just step out of the blast range. It’s just gonna hit HK and Val I guess.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: It’s gonna be four greens, average difficulty.

AUSTIN: If the attack misses does it hit the people that just jumped out of the elevator?

NICK: Maybe. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: Also I do have a Melee Defense, not that it affects anyone else. Heh.

CAMERON: It wouldn’t do anything for a concussion missile either, would it?

AUSTIN: You try to catch the missile!

LAURA: It adds a black die to all ranged and melee attacks against me.

NICK: Alright, well he’s shooting at the elevator.

LAURA: yeah, it wouldn’t.

AUSTIN: Oh boy.

CAMERON: It hits the elevator.

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: Two threats, you say?

CAMERON: I do say two threats, yes.

NICK: Well, the good news is it doesn’t set you on fire, but it does do 7 damage.

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Hey, HK’s not real happy about that.

AUSTIN: Val takes 1 damage, because she has a soak of 6.

NICK: It’s not a big missile, it’s like a micro missile, it’s not like a ship missile. It hits the back and it does mostly just a blast of force and it throws you into the wall. HK takes a hit and is sparking a little on his back, but he’s otherwise fine. That was its turn.

AUSTIN: “I bruised my knee.”

NICK: (laughs) HK says, “Statement: It must be so inconvenient to be organic,” and starts to step into the hallway. Next we have a PC slot.

CAMERON: Xianna can throw the grenade, if you want to try to take out the first one.

LAURA: Yeah. I’ll toss the grenade. What distance are they?

NICK: Medium range. What’s the range on a grenade?

LAURA: Short.

NICK: So you will have to close with it and then you can throw it, so just use your maneuver to run forward. You wouldn’t have been able to do it from the elevator anyway.

LAURA: I guess I wouldn’t have. Yeah. It would have come up short.

NICK: Hey, what do you know. Rules and junk. I forget we’re playing a game.

CAMERON: Look at those, mechanics!

AUSTIN: No, I’m mechanics. (laughs)

CAMERON: (wry laugh)

LAURA: (nervously) Four advantages?

NICK: Oh no. (chuckles) Are you gonna activate blast while missing?

LAURA: I think you can. If the attack misses I can spend three advantages for the original target and every target engaged with the original target—

NICK: Which they are.

LAURA: –suffers damage equal to the blast rating of the weapon.

AUSTIN: Two meters is engaged?

NICK: Ish, within melee range. Close enough.

CAMERON: If the grenade hit in the middle of them then it’s one meter from both.

NICK: We’ll say that. What’s the damage?

LAURA: Blast 6.

NICK: Oh no… They have Soak 6.

LAURA & HUDSON: Oh no…

CAMERON: (laughs) Welp.

NICK: This thing lands perfectly. Well, it doesn’t, because you were aiming to bounce one off of somebody and it lands in the middle, but the explosion catches them both. The smoke clears and they’re still standing there.

LAURA: “Oh fuck.”

(laughter)

NICK: Up next we have another PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright, Karma’s gonna take it with her big gun so that she can use Quick Strike, because the one with the googly eyes hasn’t gone yet, so I get my blue die.

NICK: That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’ma gonna shoot it, with my carbine.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m gonna aim, so I’m taking another blue die.

NICK: (musically) Mechanics~!

AUSTIN: You’re not in cover anymore because you’re outside of the elevator.

CAMERON: That’s true. It’s fine. Two successes, one threat, and a triumph. Mm-hmm!

NICK: Threat happens off-screen. Don’t worry about it.

CAMERON: Cool! So my gun does 11 damage.

NICK: Got it, 11 damage. That’s a pretty solid hit. It definitely pierces the armor. Droid looks sad. Well, it’s face doesn’t move, but the googly eye droops a little bit. Did you want to crit with that triumph?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Alright. Roll me up a critical hit. I don’t have the chart in front of me~

LAURA: We have it right here.

NICK: Oh.

LAURA: You do have the chart right in front of me.

NICK: I literally have the chart in front of me~

CAMERON: Uh, heh, 12.

LAURA: Sudden Jolt: Drop item in hand.

CAMERON: Lethal Blows: Add +10 per rank of Lethal Blows to any critical injury result inflicted on opponent, so that is a 22.

NICK: This feels like Yu-Gi-Oh.

LAURA: Twenty-two!

AUSTIN: You’ve triggered my trap card!

CAMERON: Ha-ha! Wait, nope, sorry. Add another 10, 32. I have two in Lethal Blows.

LAURA: Thirty-two! Stunned: Staggered until end of next turn.

NICK: Oh shit. He can’t act.

CAMERON: Ha-ha-ha!

NICK: We’ll have to skip his NPC slot. It pierces and the droids are starting to roll forward, but this one shorts out and its head falls down, and you can see it running internal diagnostics to come back up. You managed to hit something pretty important.

CAMERON: I forgot that I added 20 to all of my crits.

NICK: We don’t actually crit that often, or if we do it’s against mooks so it doesn’t really matter.

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So, that was Karma and Xianna. Up to an NPC slot. He’s shorted out. He can’t move.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

NICK: They were both rolling forward menacingly, not enough to mechanically change the difference but enough to make the scene look cooler, and this one veers slightly and starts grinding against the wall. It’s doing whatever the mechanical droid version of when your computer freezes and plays the one-eighth of a second noise it was playing when it freezes over and over again. It’s doing that.

LAURA & AUSTIN: (error noises)

NICK: Yep, that one. Thank you all for your illustration. Up next we have another PC slot.

AUSTIN: It’s my turn!

NICK: Okie-dokie.

LAURA: It’s Val~

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sprint at that robot, bounce on the jump pad, and punch him in the face!

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You’re medium range.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I have to take a strain to double maneuver.

NICK: You can take a strain to double maneuver, or you can use the jump pad to just do it, but if you take the strain to double maneuver I’ll let you add a blue die to your attack with the jump pad.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna take the blue die.

NICK: Okay. You can take two blue dice because that’s real cool. Some Sonic stuff right there. No pressure.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Are you using a black cylinder or a red cylinder?

AUSTIN: This is a black. The red ones are still… I thought about it for the gate and then I didn’t need them. Two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Okay…

AUSTIN: “Power slam!”

NICK: God damn it.

CAMERON: She yells.

AUSTIN: (laughing) As she’s jumping.

NICK: Which one were you hitting, googly eyes?

AUSTIN: The almost dead one. I’m gonna finish him.

NICK: You did how much damage?

AUSTIN: Nine damage.

NICK: Yeah, you punch its head off. It just (burst noise).

AUSTIN: It’s the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. I hit it and it just goes poink!

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. The thing is though, you have these fists that also shoot blaster bolts when you punch. When you do does it eject the canister so you can put another one in, or does the canister just work for a while?

AUSTIN: We can say they eject, because it’s cooler.

NICK: That’s cool, right?! (ca-ching) And then it’s an incidental to slap another one in.

AUSTIN: Yeah, so I have a bunch of black ones.

NICK: You knock its head off, but you leave a smoking crater from the chest up. You blew this thing off and it just slouches into its treads and makes a sad droid noise and dies. Yep, success. Good work. We get a cool shot of Val standing over the corpse pumping her fists.

AUSTIN: Pumping her fists, looking really excited that she just got to punch a droid and it worked. (laughs)

NICK: Has Val not actually used these punch gloves before?

AUSTIN: It’s rare, because you don’t use them on civilized people.

NICK: Oh.

AUSTIN: You use them on Imperials and pirates.

NICK: Cool. Alright, we’ve got another PC slot. Tink, did you have something that you wanted to do?

HUDSON: Yes. There’s a turret above the elevator, correct?

NICK: yes there is.

HUDSON: I would like to try to activate that turret and shoot the droid.

NICK: Okay. There’s a turret above the elevator and there’s a turret above the vault where they were. Do you have a preference? They are closer to the one by the vault.

HUDSON: Let’s do the vault one then I suppose.

NICK: Alright. Make me a slicing check. This is a different system so it’s going to be hard with a black die, but if you succeed I’ll let you roll a shooting check.

CAMERON: (laughing) Oh no. He doesn’t have any shooting.

HUDSON: Great. I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and two advantages.

NICK: Wow. Do you want to spend the triumph that this turret already has targeting and you don’t have to roll to shoot? It just hits it.

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: Okay. You’re gonna hit this droid. It’s basically like a tesla coil, so it sticks out and this crazy arching electricity goes and hits it. How many successes did you have?

HUDSON: The success from the triumph plus two more.

NICK: Wow. Yeah, that does frickin’ 10 damage to it. It is pretty hurt. It is now malfunctioning, but the electricity seems to have kind of restarted it, which is cool. It kind of gets back up and it’s starting to run. It is going to have a black die with some of your advantages thrown in there, because it is now torn between if its enemy is behind it or in front of it. It was not designed for six people to murder it from various angles. That’s not what this thing’s purpose was. So, that is that. Next up we got a PC slot. Who wants to go?

CAMERON: I’ll shoot it again.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Gonna aim. Can I still use Quick Strike because it still hasn’t gone? It had its turn but was staggered and couldn’t take an action, so it has not acted in this combat.

NICK: It has not acted, so I guess you can Quick Strike it twice.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Seems fair.

AUSTIN: Well, we almost one-shot the other one, so…

CAMERON: It does say ‘have not acted yet this encounter,’ so it is specific that they performed an action.

NICK: Yeah, there’s a reason HK just sits quietly in the background most of the time. He’s only good at one thing.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages, which does let me crit again. That’s 10 damage and a crit.

NICK: You guys are whittling this thing down. It’s obvious when you see one that wasn’t hit by possibly whatever space Geneva Convention violating weaponry it is that this thing can take a beating, because you have hit it with a lot of hits that would kill a person and it’s still rolling.

CAMERON: So this crit is gonna be +30.

NICK: Yep, because it’s already been crit on once.

CAMERON: And I add +20, so a 97 + 30 please. (laughs)

NICK: Oh…

LAURA: So, 127. Gruesome Injury: Permanent -1 penalty to random characteristic, and there is a random characteristic chart. It’s a d10. I don’t know if we’re gonna…

CAMERON: I’ve got a d10.

NICK: Here’s the thing. I don’t want you to do minus Charisma to this battle droid.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I wanna see! I wanna see.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: It’s more likely to be Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It would be funny if it was Charisma. (laughs)

LAURA: Because 1 through 6 are Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It’s a 3.

LAURA: That is Brawn.

NICK: Okay, so its soak is gonna go down by 1. What does that look like? What does a gruesome wound on a battle droid look like with a rifle?

CAMERON: It’s probably just like I completely take off its tread.

LAURA: Yeah, like a whole piece comes off.

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: The tread just detaches from the center, so the spinning part is still functioning but it’s no longer going to actually grip on that side, and it shifts down slightly so it’s now sitting slightly at an angle, and there’s sparks and it looks cool.

NICK: The camera zooms in on the fact that the tread has a very small support and electrical chassis, and you’re like oh… (blast), and it just dismembers it slightly. It’s the kind of thing the first time you defeat an enemy with that mechanic in a video game you’re like oh this is so cool, the 50th time you do it you’re like this is dumb.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: So yeah, it is missing a leg, it is very sad, and it is its turn now. I think it is going to shoot at Karma because Karma just shot it very good. You jumped behind it basically to kill the other one, so it’s not paying attention to you.

AUSTIN: I’m out of sight right now.

CAMERON: What is its shooting stats?

NICK: It’s the same as the missile. What was that, four green?

CAMERON: Yes, it was four green, because I had to get out another green. It does have three black dice, because it has two black dice from the googly eyes and one black die from being shocked.

NICK: Yes, you’re right.

CAMERON: Because I added it to my black dice pile over here.

NICK: Okay. Man, this poor droid, it just wanted to learn to love. It had a whole backstory you guys. I wrote a short story about this battle droid.

CAMERON: And then I’m gonna suffer another strain to dodge and upgrade its difficulty by one. It’s upgrading so it’s going from a purple to a red, because it’s not increasing.

NICK: Yup. Big dice pools today.

CAMERON: Yup. Two threats.

NICK: Aww. Not three?

CAMERON: Just two. There was one advantage. I thought there was three for a second.

NICK: Oh well. It shoots a lot. It mostly hits the walls. It’s off kilter. The other eye is flickering from the electricity. This thing is just having a rough day. The walls look sad. The threats, whoever shoots at it next can have a blue die because it’s got big open wounds in its armor now and it’s very obvious where that is when it lights up from the inside trying to fire its weapons. Another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna can just stop and shoot.

NICK: You’re within close range of it right now anyway, because you were from the grenades. It hasn’t gone past you.

LAURA: She’s not gonna move, so she’ll aim. That’s three successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LAURA: Yeah, that’s a crit. Yeah. It’s definitely a crit.

NICK: Man, this thing got critted on a bunch.

LAURA: It’s 9 damage, but a crit is activated.

CAMERON: And it’s gonna be a +20 crit.

LAURA: Because it’s been critted on twice.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I know its soak is gonna take most of that 9 away, but…

NICK: Yeah, but you guys have whittled it down enough, it’s in pretty bad shape. Oh wait, and also its soak is down one, so it’s one more damage than I thought it was.

LAURA: Oh, that’s like 3 damage.

NICK: I mean, if you do that in repetition this thing doesn’t last very long. It’s already pretty much on the outs. It’s very sad. This went from a triumphant battle to executing something very quickly.

LAURA: Alright. Let’s see what its crit is. I don’t have d10s, or d100s.

CAMERON: Do you wanna roll it?

LAURA: You can roll it.

CAMERON: That is a 43 + 20.

LAURA: Sixty-three. Slightly Dazed: Disoriented until end of encounter.

NICK: So that’s a black die?

CAMERON: Another black die.

AUSTIN: I don’t think it’s gonna be hitting anything anymore.

CAMERON: It’s up to four black dice anytime it does anything.

NICK: Okay, another PC slot.

AUSTIN: My turn!

NICK: yeah…

AUSTIN: I wanna run over to it and just rip its heart out. It has so many holes in it now. I’m a mechanic, and I know what to grab, so I’m just gonna bounce on that jump plate, jump on its torso, and just (roars).

NICK: Alright, make me a Brawl check I guess. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh! Also, I had two more advantages that weren’t spent. Can I give Val some boost dice?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Like I step out of the way and…

AUSTIN: Is it Brawl or Mechanics to do that?

NICK: We’ll say Brawl. You’re aggressively mechanic-ing.

AUSTIN: Percussive maintenance, except extreme! Two successes.

NICK: What’s the total damage?

AUSTIN: Two + 3 + 4 again, assuming I’m blast knuckling it to rip this thing out. I put my arm around it and then squeeze and then shoot the pieces behind it.

NICK: Hey, you killed it, just barely. You coup de grace this thing. You just go and pull out its central processor?

AUSTIN: yeah, the droid heart.

NICK: Okay. Well, good work.

AUSTIN: I throw it at HK’s feet. “This is what happens to droids who get in the way.”

NICK: “Reassurance: If I’m to kill you it will be from far enough away you don’t know it happens.” It just looks unphased.

AUSTIN: I wink at him and turn towards the door. (laughs)

CAMERON: How is HK doing health-wise? You said he took a pretty decent hit.

NICK: He took a decent hit. I think he took 3 out of 12, so he’s at 75% right now.

LAURA: Okay, that’s fine~

NICK: He’s un poco squishy. Yeah, you are at the vault, the vault with the combination lock on it.

LAURA: Xianna starts trying to get through the door. If it’s a combo lock… Oh, I don’t know how Star Wars ones work. I don’t know if you can do the like, listen to it and hear for the tumblers.

AUSTIN: Like a keypad or a mechanical?

NICK: I was picturing a keypad but now it’s like a twisty lock. That’s fine.

LAURA: Oh, it’s a full twisty lock?

AUSTIN: Is it a digital twisty lock? (laughs)

NICK: It’s a mechanical one. No, it’s a mechanical one because they wanted to avoid slicers getting into it, because most of their stuff was electronic at this point. Quick cut away while she’s doing that. Tink, you’re just patrolling the cameras real quick and you notice there’s a circling drone that goes around the station looking at the exterior stuff. You already shut it down so you don’t have to worry about that, but you notice that the handcuffs with Mills on it are empty. Mills has escaped.

HUDSON: (seethes) Ooh.

NICK: As you look through you can actually see him running down hallways trying to get somewhere. So, that’s going on.

HUDSON: What about that encrypted file?

NICK: Ooh, that encrypted file you say. You are able to get into it. There are a lot of blueprints for some weird shit in there.

HUDSON: I collect it on a little, little… stick.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Computer stick.

NICK: There’s some weapon stuff and some ship stuff, and mechanically what that will do is you can either use it to do a weird custom upgrade to your axe or to help do a weird custom upgrade to the ship, your choice, later, but you have the data. This Kuat Ship Drive’s highly confidential exploratory technology, you now have. If you did it or if you gave it to someone who was in the know they could turn it into something cool.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Yup. It’s a file that says like Do Not Read, 1998 taxes. (laughter) Laura, are you rolling a Skulduggery to try to just old school crack this lock?

LAURA: Yes, and I’m gonna flip a light side point. This is a model Xianna has seen before and knows exactly what to listen for.

NICK: Oh. I want to know when you’ve tried to crack this safe before. What hijinks were you in?

LAURA: Ooh! Let’s see.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: It’s probably something really ridiculous and petty. Someone at a club took her coat home instead of hers, like the coat check switched them up, so someone went home with Xianna’s super special thief trench coat… and so Xianna as like NO. (laughs) So she broke into this person’s house and also opened up their safe as an additional fuck you, you don’t take my coat, I’m taking your coat and your money.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. We cut back from that flashback to you trying to open this safe manually.

LAURA: What would the difficulty be?

NICK: Daunting. Doing a safe with no specialized tools is pretty hard.

LAURA: I don’t think I have any…

NICK: You don’t have a stethoscope or something?

LAURA: No. I would just smoosh my lekku (laughs) up against the door. I have some stuff for Bypass Security and it’s all remove black dice. Scanner goggles don’t see into things. I’ll have to get some more thiefy stuff.

CAMERON: Ooh. I want to aim my carbine at the door and look through my scope. Do I see any heat signatures? (laughs)

NICK: You see one blindingly bright heat signature.

CAMERON: “Guys, there’s something really hot in there.” Is it just like a box of bright light?

NICK: It looks like a cylinder.

LAURA: “It’s probably the engine. Engines go… they run. They get hot.”

CAMERON: “It does not look people-shaped.”

NICK: Good roll.

LAURA: Okay, so that is a triumph with a success, three more successes, two threats.

NICK: If you would like, that triumph is that you identify the potentially deadly booby-trap on the safe and it doesn’t go off.

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: Okay. Cool.

(laughter)

LAURA: I would like that, thank you, very much.

NICK: You’re actually able to get it on the second try, and it’s not that you didn’t figure out what the numbers were on the first try, it was that you just forgot that oh, when you go right it has to go around twice.

LAURA: “Oh, this is the X24… S model. On this one it goes this way. On the F model it goes the other way.”

CAMERON: “Alright.” And we put in the year that the Emperor came to power, and open.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “You have to do Sheevy in numbers, because you know, everyone knows his first name and his nickname is Sheevy.”

(laughter)

NICK: So, the safe pops and you see in the safe door, because this is a big bank vault looking thing, you see something that catches your eye. It’s a poison dart that’s on a proximity trigger. You just put a finger into the side of the dart and it shoots off and shatters against the wall and starts to acid burn a little bit. That would have been real bad. And so, the door swings open.

Inside the vault you find a durasteel cylinder about the size of a breadbox. It’s sitting on a small work table. It has a universal port on one end and a power button on the other. It’s polished to a mirror sheen but otherwise featureless. You all can roll Knowledge checks to recognize more about what the heck this thing is.

CAMERON: What type of Knowledge?

LAURA: I can roll an Underworld.

NICK: This would be like Education kind of situation probably.

CAMERON: eh. Hell, we can try.

LAURA: I mean, I’ll roll. What difficulty?

AUSTIN: I do have Education.

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure Xianna dropped out of school at like 15. (laughs)

NICK: Tink, you could probably see it through the cameras if you want to roll.

HUDSON: Oh, great.

LAURA: One advantage.

CAMERON: Ah! That was close though.

NICK: Fail?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna literally dropped out of school at 15.

CAMERON: Psh. Oops.

AUSTIN: (smiling) Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: You’re just so shocked. You fall prone!

AUSTIN: “yes!” And I fall over. (laughs)

HUDSON: One threat.

NICK: Tink sees it through the cameras. ‘I think I know what that—‘ Nope. Someone starts knocking on the door outside your security room.

AUSTIN: I probably walk over and start getting a better look at it and just trip on a seam in the floor and face plant.

NICK: (laughs) yeah.

AUSTIN: I fall prone. (dramatic bass noise)

NICK: Yeah. Your legs are a little watery from the combat, because you haven’t done that in a while. You went pretty hard in the paint there. You get close, but you recognize this is a power source. You actually can put your hand on it and it’s not hot. It just has so much inherent energy that heat sensors and radiation sensors freak out, but it doesn’t emit any harmful radiation. This thing is basically—four of these things could power a star destroyer, and it’s just in this little tube that you could just plug into something. It doesn’t consume fuel. It will last 15 years and is already operational. It is technology that you recognize just miniaturized way more than you would expect and is incredibly expensive to make which is why they’re not using them yet. They haven’t made them cost effective, but you got one!

AUSTIN: “No way, guys! This is so exciting! Look! They miniaturized the thing, and the flux coils are down to that small, and they got rid of the heat signatures,” and I’m just bouncing around being really excited. “Guys, this is why we’re here!”

LAURA: “I am so happy you are so excited, and I am very happy it is small enough for one person to pick up. Very excited about that.”

AUSTIN: I just grab it off the table. I just pick it up and go “YAH!” (laughter) and then think about it for a second and look around and make sure I didn’t trigger an Indiana Jones trap.

LAURA: “Okay. You already picked it up. It is going to be okay. Let’s see… Now explosions. Distract people on our way out, but we don’t want to be caught in the explosions and stuff.”

AUSTIN: I pull out the detonator.

CAMERON: “I would maybe wait until we’re more up in the elevator, because that was a really long elevator ride.”

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘oh, I guess.”

CAMERON: Was there anything else in that room?

NICK: Nope. That was the only thing.

AUSTIN: Can I rip a gun off of one of those droids, one of those mini-guns?

NICK: If you make me a Mechanics check.

AUSTIN: I have remove a black die per rank of Utini to find and scavenge items and gear, so I’m gonna remove whatever that black die was.

NICK: (smiling) It was going to be a black die because it was all damaged so now you don’t have that. Make me a Mechanics check to steal one of these gun barrels.

AUSTIN: I don’t actually want to use it myself, but I want to put it on the ship. Actually, I wanna put it on a speeder.

NICK: It’s a lot heavier.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: (laughing) Because you don’t have any right now. You’re gonna be very successful.

AUSTIN: Yeah! Advantages. Five advantages and a success.

NICK: Okay. Let’s make it so that the advantage is you actually get a piece of the security suite from the droid with it so getting out of here is gonna be a lot easier than getting in was, and you have a big old repeating blaster. It’s gonna take both hands and it probably weighs 20 kilos, 25 kilos. That’s like 60 pounds.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

AUSTIN: I look in my tool belt and find some rope and just tie it across my shoulders.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

AUSTIN: I don’t want to use it, I just want to have it, unless someone else wants it.

NICK: “Observation: That’s a pretty impressive piece you’ve got there,” and turns to head to the elevator.

LAURA: “I literally do not think I could even pick that up.”

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: (roars)

LAURA: “If you were to put numbers to how strong I am, it is a 1.” (laughter) “Say if we were on some sort of 1 to 6 system, my Brawn, my strength as you say, would be a 1.”

NICK: You get on the elevator. The elevator starts to go up. We get a scene of the coms starting to reconnect with Tink and you get the crackle back to connection. Tink, what have you been doing, clicking through the files seeing all the cool stuff you got?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Just weird arc technology, kinda like those electrical turrets probably were, but you could use it to do what we talked about before.

AUSTIN: Would you say that thing we found is an arc reactor?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: I would not, because it wasn’t a donut. I was tempted to make it a donut but I didn’t. So, the elevator is going up. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: Tink, you can see on the cameras that—

CAMERON: (laughing) It’s dinging even though there are no floors. It’s just letting us know where there would be floors.

NICK: You can see on the cameras that Mills has re-found his gun and is standing in front of the elevator watching the counter go, just looking really upset. At that point someone is pounding on the door trying to get in. “Hey, you put in a ticket. We’re trying to keep our response times within LOS. If you could let us in, we’ll help you with that security error. We heard explosions though, are you really sure? Could I resolve this ticket now?” (laughing) What do you do?

HUDSON: First I get on coms and I try to say and whisper so they can’t hear from the hallway, “Mills is right outside the elevator.”

CAMERON: Oh shit.

HUDSON: Do they hear me?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: “Oh no. He will most certainly shoot us.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey, coms came back on.”

HUDSON: “Uhh… I gotta deal with- Gotta go. Love you.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay! Love you too! Bye~!”

HUDSON: I go to the door and I say, “Um, yeah, that ticket can be resolved. I already dealt with it.”

NICK: “This is highly suspicious. Can we just get in real quick to look at it? The door seems to be malfunctioning. We’re not really mechanics though, we do the software, but if you could let us in… We did a long walk over here. The air locks really need some preventative maintenance, they were pretty slow, and I’m starting to ramble, but if I could… Just let us in for a second, would you, buddy?”

HUDSON: “I thought there were some explosions and evacuations going on?”

NICK: “I don’t know anything about that. Um… I don’t know. That seemed like just some sort of gas leak. Just… Why won’t you let us in? That’s kind of weird.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Who are you with?”

NICK: “We’re with… the… We resolve tickets. We’re the IT team.”

HUDSON: “How many of you?”

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Um… You know, maybe I should just go and get the security detail. Maybe they can help you more.”

HUDSON: “No, no, no. I just wanted to see if my friend was out there.”

NICK: “Hey, you don’t sound like Ted. Where’s Ted?”

HUDSON: “Oh. Ted? Hold on. Let me just… Ow, the door’s jammed. Just a second.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I open the door. Remove my vibro-axe, open the door, and get into position to slash.

NICK: Okay. (laughing) So this is just these two dorks with backpacks, they say like Geek Squad on their shirts. The door swings open and they are standing there like “huh, where’s that guy?” Are you hiding next to the door?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: “Huh, where’s that guy?” They walk in and they go to the computer and they see how deep into the files you were. “Man, I haven’t even seen these registries. No wonder it’s all messed up,” and they start clicking away.

HUDSON: I slip out the door.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Roll me a Stealth to leave without them noticing.

HUDSON: Oh no… Oh. Okay, I can do that. I actually have three in Stealth.

NICK: What?!

(laughter)

LAURA: yeah!

NICK: Canonically, Tink moves like a ghost. We established that before.

LAURA: Because his feet are padded, so there’s not a lot of sound.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, these guys suck.

CAMERON: And he blends into the surroundings so well.

NICK: You can have a blue die because they’re dorks.

HUDSON: Three successes and four advantages.

NICK: Do you want to spend the advantages that while they’re exiting out they don’t take any logs of anything so there’s no trace of you having been there?

HUDSON: Yup!

NICK: Okay. Four advantages I think would cover that. Three successes, you’re just gone. You actually beat them back to the rendezvous place, or were you gonna go to the elevator and meet up with them? It’s a reasonably long walk.

HUDSON: I would say rendezvous place then. Yeah.

NICK: Okay. You head back to the bubble. “Man, I don’t know what these programs are, some sort of bloatware.” He’s like deleting stuff and cleaning up the tracks for you.

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘That’s why it’s running so slowly.’

HUDSON: So wait, they came in, were just talking to someone, and then—

CAMERON: Yup!

AUSTIN: They saw the problem and immediately are…

NICK: They saw the computer, immediately wanted to do it, that’s a fair point. They came in and the guy started working on it, the other guy was looking over his shoulder, and then you stealthed so good you got out. “Hey… Oh, I don’t know.” (laughs)

CAMERON: And the door had swooshed open so they can’t see where your axe was in it, so they’re just like huh, I guess he left.

NICK: Yeah. They think it’s weird. A guy pokes his head out to look around, but you stealthed so well that he didn’t find you. You’re gone, easy-peasy. So, we get back to the elevator crew. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding…

NICK: It goes PING! It opens, and HK is pressed against the wall. “Statement: Tell me when to fire.” The rest of you see Mills standing out there.

CAMERON: Karma had flipped her blaster back to stun after we found out Mills was out front.

AUSTIN: I have the detonator in my hand still.

NICK: (laughs) yeah. The door opens. Mills sees—Well, are you all pressed against the doors, or…?

CAMERON: We probably took up the same positions as last time.

LAURA: Yeah, pressed against the door, and knowing that it’s Mills, Xianna would just yell out “Excuse me, Mils. Please do not shoot us~!”

NICK: He’s just flabbergasted. “Uh… You sound familiar. Is that a Twi’lek accent I hear?”

LAURA: “Yes it is. It is me. We met on Unroola Dawn, like, the other week I think. I have no idea how long it has been.”

NICK: “Aw man, no kriff.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes! Do you remember us? There was those trees and they ate someone, and yes. We got deserters, and… How is Falx doing? I hear he died. Is that true?”

NICK: “Oh man. Yeah, if you’re calling out the trees you’ve definitely been in the shit.”

LAURA: “I’m purple, a Twi’lek. Remember me?”

NICK: “Oh yeah, I remember. You killed a tree with a grenade.”

LAURA: “I did, I killed—Yes. Well, I killed one of the deserters with a grenade by accident.”

CAMERON: “I think the tree made it, actually.”

LAURA: “I think the tree survived, but we did shoot the tree.”

NICK: “You’ve passed my subtle test.”

LAURA: “Yes. Yes.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s just gonna step out of cover, still with her gun out though.

NICK: He’s standing there, and as you step out of cover—Val do you go with her, or are you still hiding in the elevator?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ll walk out.

NICK: He sees Xianna and Karma and he drops the gun. “Wow. Long time no see. You working for Kuat Ship yards too? They pay pretty well.” Then Val steps out. “Oh, holy shit!” He puts his gun on her. “You caught yourself a prisoner. I didn’t know they hired more security contractors, but step aside, I’ll put her down.”

LAURA: “yes! No, hold on.” Xianna wants to really quickly scurry up next to Val and slap a binder, just on one hand though, and then be like “no-no-no, we have to take her in for a bounty, remember? This one ,the Nautolan, Karma’s a bounty hunter.”

CAMERON: “They wanted to question her, Mills, so…”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Hmm…”

LAURA: But I won’t attach the binders, so I won’t actually close them. I want them to just loosely be on so that it looks—

NICK: The Chewbacca treatment.

LAURA: Yeah, the Chewbacca thing. Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: “I’m pretty suspicious. This seems like a Deception.”

AUSTIN: I have the box like in one of my arms.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

NICK: He doesn’t know what that is. That’s super top secret. It just looks like a tube. “This sounds like some sort of a Deception check.”

LAURA: Oh, more Deception than Skulduggery? Sleight of hand?

NICK: Yeah. I’ll let you just slip the binder on, that’s not a big deal—

CAMERON: But us lying to him.

NICK: The lying.

LAURA: The lying.

NICK: He has two purples and a red.

CAMERON: But take a blue die, because I assisted with the lying.

NICK: I’ll do that.

LAURA: Two successes.

NICK: The thing is, he just needs there to be a good enough story that he would be able to tell somebody if they questioned him about it, so he’s not thinking about it too hard. “Well, I know they’re hiring a lot of people from dangerous places right now. There’s some new technology here that’s a really big deal. My next step is to have them expand the air vents so I can get in there, do better security from hiding. That’s kind of my thing.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Mm-hmm.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

LAURA: Xianna would slowly sidestep halfway in front of Val so that Mills can’t see what she’s holding. “Uh-huh, yes. We were hired to catch someone trying to steal these things, and you know, they need to up their security. Yeah, those vents, they need to check out the vents. Uh-huh. Yes.”

CAMERON: As Xianna’s talking and Mills is relaxing, Karma’s gonna go over and lift up the cage again (laughs), so that everybody else can get out.

NICK: Because he was on the other side of the cage.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. At this point HK snaps around the corner and his gun starts charging. “Tactical Statement: Suppressing fire.” He’s about to shoot. Do you stop him?

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m gonna stop him.

LAURA: “Hank! Do not shoot him, Hank!”

CAMERON: I’m gonna hold up a hand. “Hank, stop. Agh! Gosh darn it, Xianna. You got me calling him Hank. HK, stop!” (laughs)

LAURA: “It is Hank. Heh.”

NICK: Xianna said it first, ‘hey, Hank, don’t shoot him.’ “Statement: This is not a sufficient order from a secondary user. Please see an administrator.” And then Karma said no, no, stop, and so he powers down. “Disappointed sigh.”

LAURA: “Sorry about that, Mills. The company that hired us wanted additional, you know, backup for us and gave us this droid, but I think the droid is broken too. You know, budget cuts, you know how that works.”

CAMERON: “I think it’s just been a little bit too long between memory wipes. He’s getting real murderous.”

LAURA: “Yes. You know they need to wipe them every so often or else they get personalities and things like that, you know.”

NICK: “Statement: I resemble that remark.”

CAMERON: Resemble? (laughs)

NICK: Mills just shrugs and slaps his gun over his shoulder. “Well, I’m gonna go see who put down all these people. I guess it was your prisoner here, but there’s a bunch of dead stormtroopers in the hall.”

LAURA: “There’s people?”

CAMERON: Karma walks forward and peeks. “Holy kriff!” (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, it’s just smoldering. It looks like Uncle Ben and Aunt Beru from New Hope.

SEVERAL: Oh no! (laughs)

NICK: They’re just frickin roasted. The armor is all splattered against the wall in melted drips. It’s like an anti-army weapon they used in a hallway. This is not good.

AUSTIN: (smiling) With all the doors shut.

NICK: Mills didn’t seem, like… The reason you had this calm conversation is he was like “yeah, I’ve seen some stuff. Whatever. I guess I’ll go file a report or whatever, but I hope to see you around soon.”

CAMERON: “Totally. We should get lunch!”

NICK: he just kinda shrugs. “By the way, the wall you breached through, we haven’t vented any of the atmo yet so you should be able to get back to your ship.” He just kind of winks and walks away.

CAMERON: “Thanks buddy!”

LAURA: “Bye! Thank you!”

CAMERON: (smiling) And off we go~

NICK: And you have to step through this flaming hellscape that you have created. You’re able to get back down the hallway. The security has mostly been disabled. All of the airlocks are open and there’s air everywhere, so that didn’t really come up which is cool. You’re able to get back to the ship. Tink is waiting right there.

LAURA: “Ello Tink.”

HUDSON: “Hey guys!”

CAMERON: “Hey!”

LAURA: “How did it go?”

HUDSON: “Pretty swell. I got some really interesting documents I want to show y’all later.”

LAURA: “Oh cool. We can sell them for money.”

CAMERON: “Oh, really?!” Karma’s putting her suit back on.

LAURA: “I hope they are proprietary secrets.”

HUDSON: “I mean, maybe, but…”

LAURA: “We can sell those.”

HUDSON: “You’re all about money, aren’t you?”

LAURA: “yes I am! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

NICK: We get everybody bounce-hustling their way back to the ship that’s stuck to the side. As you take off we get the view of the cockpit of Karma flying. Val, are you in the co-pilot seat or are you messing with the engines?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m in the co-pilot seat right now.

NICK: Okay. As soon as you pick off you hear, “This is the ISS Sickle. Unidentified ship containing George Jetson, please wait. We’ve heard sounds of a disturbance and we really need you to stay around. We need your report.”

AUSTIN: I set the bombs off.

NICK: Yeah?

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “That sounds like my cue!”

LAURA: “Boom!”

NICK: (explosion noises) And the captain says, “Ship, stop now. Whoever you are, there’s been some sort of attack. Stop now.” All of the turbo lasers are pointing towards you. We’re gonna resolve this cinematically, because ship rules… fuck that. I think what happens is Karma does some fancy flying to get around it, and the Sickle gets into the route that you need to hyperspace jump back to the labs, and you get a chance to shoot the turbo laser at this star destroyer. What is Val’s response to there is a big old star destroyer right in your flight path?

AUSTIN: I hit the green button… (laughing) and then I run back in to the power reactor core and start hitting things, getting it ready to charge to be able to survive that shot.

NICK: Yeah. You’re insulating stuff, rerouting power. The engines start to sputter out.

AUSTIN: I think turbo lasers are just a whole bunch of capacitors, so it’s just drawing all of the power out of the engine while that thing charges up.

NICK: Yeah, so the ship’s still moving but it starts to jutter a little. We get Tink—Are you involved in watching this mechanical mayhem that’s going on?

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m just kind of observing.

NICK: ‘Seems fine. Oh, don’t forget that one, that might make us die.’ Karma, we get your flying and you see there’s a trigger on the yolk that’s covered with glass, and you flip it up and the button that you can hit starts glowing green, and that means you can shoot.

CAMERON: I’ma punch it!

NICK: Okay. The whole ship actually—

AUSTIN: (heavy crunch)

NICK: Yeah. It’s not a big ship. This is like a minivan covered in guns with a World War II artillery piece strapped to the side of it. The whole ship’s forward momentum is negated by the shot. It just stops.

AUSTIN: Goes off in a spin because it’s off-center.

NICK: Yeah, it starts to spin a little. It pierces the shields and the armor of the star destroyer. It doesn’t kill it, it doesn’t core it out, but it does enough damage that the captain starts peeling off. He’s like I don’t know what the heck that was, but this is too much and if I lose the ship I lose my commission. We see it start to drift with sparks going everywhere as it backs away. There’s a line of explosions along the left side of the ship. And your way is clear, so you get it back under control, and you punch it, and you go back.

The next scene is you all in Val’s lab having successfully completed your heist.

ALL: Yay~

LAURA: “Okay, so uh, you will join Sentinel’s team or whatever? I don’t really know what he wanted from you.”

AUSTIN: “But did you see the turbo laser?”

LAURA: “I did.. It was big and—“

AUSTIN: “It was SO COOL!”

LAURA: “It made a big pew, pew-pew-pew, lasers everywhere. Yes. Great.”

AUSTIN: “That’s the first time I’ve seen a ship live through it.”

CAMERON: “I mean, it was a star destroyer.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh… Huh.”

AUSTIN: “I always hit like cruisers and frigates and they just kind of explode.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Yup, but you know, even the victory class star destroyers are pretty kriffin’ large.”

LAURA: “yes. So anyways, you will work for Sentinel? Take his job? I am sure the reason he is hiring you is so that you can blow things up. Blow more things up. I heard there was something about an Imperial shipyard to blow things up in.”

HUDSON: “Additionally, do you want to get caf later?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Yes, are you single? Are you single or what?”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I’m currently single, but you’re not really my type.”

LAURA: “Okay. No problem. What about Tink?”

HUDSON: “Oh…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, neither of you.”

HUDSON: “Aww…”

LAURA: “Okay. That is fine. You blow things up for Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: “Tell him to give me a call back.”

LAURA: “yes, of course. We will do that. Yes.”

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna wander around and she finds a piece of machinery, and there’s a button on it, and it’s gonna do the whole “oh, what is this button?!” (laughs)

CAMERON: (smiling) No~!

LAURA: And starts going to press it, and everyone is like NO~!

NICK: (smiling) And then we zoom out, and then you just see a plume of fire go out through one of the ship ports, and that will be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Wee!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 30 The Imperial Job

PDF download: Episode 30 The Imperial Job

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 30:
The Imperial Job

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Friends, space aliens, country folk… we here at Tabletop Squadron are just ecstatic with the support we’ve gotten lately. We’ve reached our first goal, and our celebration of $69 – Nice! – stream is going to be on April 28, 2019. There will be a ton of information coming out of our Twitter, website, and social media, so if you wanna watch us eat pizza and be excited and play games, tune in.

We are currently $11 from our next goal. It’s a big one. If we hit that point we’ll cover our hosting fees and our overhead for providing transcriptions which makes the podcast a lot more sustainable. If you feel the urge, we’d be honored to have you as Patrons.

Speaking of which, we have some more Patrons we would like to thank. Alice Tobin, thank you so, so much for your support, you get space ice cream. Aaron J Amendola, hey! Aaron is supportive and awesome and made a super cool game that made me sing in public. We like Aaron. Thank you Aaron. Chris Grant, thank you for supporting the squad. May your hyperdrive be always full of that sweet, sweet fuel. Zachary Tabor, thank you, your support means the world to all of us, you rock. Kyle Thomas, woo! Thank you! You’re helping keep the lights on, and I hope that light’s a little super nova in your soul… like in a good way, not a catastrophic chest explosion. Jules Cunningham, thanks! I like the way your brain works. I feel like if you were in Star Wars you’d be a member of the Cantina band. MolarDuck, you’ve been there since the beginning. You helped me brainstorm podcast titles in a Twitch chatroom. Yes, I still remember that. Thank you for your support from the bottom of our seven Nautolan hearts.

Thank you to everyone who has supported us and will support us in the future.

Additional music this week is In suspense by psychadelik pedestrian, pocket zombie by Flex Vector, and hard fight by manuel senfft.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode number 30! My name is Nick and I’ll be your game master today, subbing in for your normal game master, Nick. It’s a joke because it’s the same guy.

CAMERON & HUDSON: (false enthusiastic laughter)

LAURA: … Stop it.

(laughter)

NICK: (smiling) We’re gonna go around the table real quick. Everybody introduce themselves and say who they’re playing today, starting with Austin!

AUSTIN: Hi, I’m Austin! I am playing Valorissia Creed, a Human technician.

NICK: Hey~ He’s our special guest this week. Oh boy!

CAMERON: What-what!

NICK: Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got… Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Acceptable. Last but not least we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I am playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Yup. I think that’s it.

NICK: Yup. Radiant. Like I said at the beginning of last episode, you all do the summary if you’re so smart. (smiling) What happened last episode?

AUSTIN: Last episode, I punched Tink repeatedly, and he hugged me.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: Xianna bet 20 Credits on Valerissa. She encouraged the fight. I do have in my notes, because I made them fight, oopsies, and then under that, but I won. So I won money. We determined that bluegrass is called either bluejizz or jizzgrass. We got Valerissa to agree to work out something, and then we’re gonna do something…

CAMERON: We never introduced ourselves.

LAURA: We never introduced ourselves to her.

CAMERON: Besides HK.

LAURA: Xianna had some drinks, and…

CAMERON: We’re still saying her name wrong.

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Valorissia.

CAMERON: Sentinel told us Valerissa, and she has not corrected us yet. (laughs)

LAURA: So what is it?

AUSTIN: Valorissia. It has an I, an extra I at the end.

LAURA: Oh…

NICK: It’s been wrong this whole time.

LAURA: Yeah, Nick…

CAMERON: Well, Sentinel.

AUSTIN: Sentinel. I’m sure that had nothing to do with why I hung up on him.

CAMERON: (giggles) ‘No. You don’t even care enough to know my damn name.’

NICK: Click.

AUSTIN: It probably didn’t make a difference. (laughing) I wasn’t gonna be in a good mood anyway.

HUDSON: Last episode, Tink may have fallen in love.

(laughter)

LAURA: And fallen down.

HUDSON: I definitely fell down a number of times. I am hurting a little bit. My ribs are bruised.

LAURA: And then we got brought into Valorissia’s workshop.

HUDSON: And we said (emphatically) ‘what the heck?!’

NICK: Yup. What a great and complete overview. And now for the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One light side.

AUSTIN: Two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: (gasps)

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh…

NICK: Yes! High-five, Hudson! Alright, so we’re gonna kick off the episode. (laughs) We start with Valorissia flipping on the lights and revealing the laboratory/workshop where she spends her time, and the rest of the squad all looking around and saying ‘what the heck?’ Austin, why don’t you describe what Valorissia’s workshop looks like?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s a big garage thing. There’s basically piles of random junk just all over the place. There’s pathways between everything. The piles look organized by category but not in the pile, it’s just piles of ‘related to gun parts.’ There’s several open bays that have a door that opens out to space. It looks like there’s really only two ships that have a pathway to get out, and everything else is in various amounts of disarray. Then there’s also an office over in a corner that’s got a desk and behind that a bunk.

NICK: Cool. Is it well lit, dimly lit?

AUSTIN: It’s well lit.

NICK: Cool. One thing I’m gonna add to your workshop here, there’s a cleared out area where the piles around it are pretty tall, like head height, and there is a clear, stainless durasteel workbench there with a rolled up blueprint. The five of you, HK stumbling behind, as you’re getting close HK stops by a pile of droid parts and says, “Lamentation: My fallen brothers,” but without actually looking at it, and continues on.

HUDSON: (chuckles)

NICK: Val gets to the table and spreads out the blueprint and you see a very large research facility. Do you want to give a background on what the facility is?

AUSTIN: Sure. “So what we’re looking for here… This is a Kuat drive yard’s research lab. It’s somewhere around here, and I’ve got coordinates somewhere but I’m not an astrogator. Basically they’ve got something deep in this lab that I want. I’m a power engineer by trade, I ended up out here anyway, but I just like power. Power comes from explosions, and if you can do an explosion right and it stays in the reactor then you can power your ship! So, what I want to go do is I want to get in here and I want to take their experimental power core that someone, somehow let slip, and I want to break in and take it and bring it back here and build something crazy out of it.”

LAURA: “Okie.” Xianna’s just immediately looking on the blueprints. “Where are the cameras? Where are air vents? Points of access?” And if there’s a pen or anything she’s marking little things and just little notes that don’t really make a whole lot of sense, it’s just weird little symbols. Sometimes it’ll just be a frowny face and then other times little happy faces in certain areas.

NICK: So, now we get to get into me trying to make heist mechanics work in Edge of the Empire. There’s a couple of things here. Val knows the three main security protocols that are for this space station. There’s one I’m going to add at the beginning, which is that this power source is in the main vault of this facility. The main vault is 40 floors below the rest of the complex. The elevator is behind a cage, then there’s an eye scanner to get on an elevator, then there’s an elevator that has cameras watching it, then there’s a pressure-sensitive hallway leading to the vault, and then there’s a combination to get into the vault. That is where your goal is, this experimental power source. That is one of the security measures. There’s a big research facility, there’s lots of labs and things on the main floor, and then there’s this shaft going all the way down, and the blueprints start to be done in pen because that part wasn’t blueprinted out when they built it, and you can see this big—it basically looks like they took a giant reactor core off a capital ship and hollowed it out so it’s got really thick shielding and they use that to store stuff. It’s in there. What are the other security measures?

AUSTIN: “Yeah, so it turns out this rock that it’s in is kind of magnetic, so there’s no signals that can get out of it. Once you go into it you can’t talk out, so you can’t call for a pickup or anything.”

CAMERON: “Great.”

LAURA: “But you can talk within?”

AUSTIN: “You can talk inside, yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. We can work with that.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

AUSTIN: “And then the labs are all distributed almost randomly around the thing. All the hallways between the labs are kept drained of atmosphere. They only fill with atmosphere when someone’s walking through them, so the guys go through an airlock and then go half way down the hall, airlock, the rest of the way down, airlock, and they’re always empty unless there’s a scientist in them.”

LAURA: “Okay. Do they keep track of which rooms currently are filled with atmosphere?”

AUSTIN: “I’d assume so.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Yeah. I mean, I figured, but…”

AUSTIN: “Someone probably cares. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Someone cares.”

AUSTIN: “I mean, it’s done automatically. It’s not a person controlling the airlocks, but a droid brain is probably paying attention.”

LAURA: “So, Tink will have to figure that out. We will have to have Tink in. you will take care of that. … Okay.” Xianna’s just flipping through things and saying a lot of words of like, “okay, I do not think a Nautolan switcheroo will work for this one.”

CAMERON: (snorts)

LAURA: “We might have to do a nerf and switch on this. Who knows, though.” Heh.

AUSTIN: “And the last thing is there’s two victory class star destroyers sitting, watching the outside where their sensors can cover almost all of the external of this station.”

LAURA: “Okay. No nerf and switch…”

AUSTIN: Because it’s a fairly small one. It’s an asteroid?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: “So there’s probably holes, because there’s only two, but that’s still two. They’re small star destroyers. They’re only victory class.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Mm-hmm. Maybe a Corellian tangle… Maybe that one will work.”

NICK: I mean, this crew’s taken out a super star destroyer.

CAMERON: I took out a super star destroyer earlier this week. That went well.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Ish? I mean, relatively.

AUSTIN: You only blew up a herdship in retaliation.

CAMERON: Hey, you don’t know that. (laughs)

NICK: So, those are the main security protocols you all know about. What doesn’t make for fun listening is listening to everyone make every nuance of the plan and then going through it step by step playing, so I just want broad strokes of what you all are planning to do to get around those and how to get on the station in the first place, and then we’ll address it when we get closer to it. To counteract that, as more things happen we’re going to give you three opportunities to do flashbacks to say oh yeah, we knew about that and we planned for it, and here’s what we did, which will give you blue dice on your checks to get past those things. Sound good to everybody?

OTHERS: Yes.

LAURA: Rooms are de-atmosphered when not in use.

CAMERON: Atmo in hallways only when scientists in them. Two victory class star destroyers watching outside. When you’re in the vault you can’t communicate outside the vault.

AUSTIN: When you’re on the station at all.

CAMERON: The facility, okay.

NICK: Unless the ship parks inside, yeah.

AUSTIN: You can’t call HK for pickup or anything, yeah.

CAMERON: He’s coming with us.

NICK: He’s a terrible pilot.

CAMERON: He doesn’t need to breathe.

AUSTIN: Oh yeah, true.

NICK: Oh, that’s a fair point.

CAMERON: “I’m not concerned about the atmo. This guy doesn’t breathe.”

AUSTIN: “That’s quite convenient.”

CAMERON: “Isn’t it?”

LAURA: “Okay, but is he going to get down a pressure-sensitive hallway?”

NICK: “Lamentation: My poor whole plating will oxidize. Frowny face.”

CAMERON: “We’ll give you a nice oil bath afterwards.”

NICK: “Sassy statement: What do I look like, some sort of C3 unit?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Question. Have you ever been in this hallway? What does the ceiling look like?”

AUSTIN: “I’ve never been to the station at all. I got this in an email from one of my contacts outside, because I’m always looking for fun stuff to go steal.”

NICK: The email is stuck to the workbench and it’s on the Kuat ship drive’s letterhead, and says FYI, XOXO, with no signature, and then has that list.

LAURA: XOXO, (whispers) Gossip Girl~!

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay. So, getting into the cage, probably not a problem. Getting into the vault combo lock, probably not a huge problem. The monitoring and the atmosphere, we will have to get Tink in, do that. Don’t pee on yourself this time.”

HUDSON: “I never peed on myself. Oh my gosh.”

AUSTIN: “I’m a little bit concerned.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. The eye scan… maybe. I don’t know if you can get that one, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Oh. I can get that one.”

LAURA: “We could also just, you know, steal an eyeball, steal a guy, keep the eyeball in him? I don’t know. I don’t think Karma would like us taking the eyeball out.”

CAMERON: Karma is making a face, much like Cameron was just making, as Laura said that.

(laughter)

LAURA: “We will all have to go into the com facility. Tink, you usually pretend to be maintenance. People do not care about the maintenance people as much, tend to get in easier.”

AUSTIN: “You guys know that Kuat is an Imperial run company? They only really use Humans.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “You know, they didn’t mind when we used that same trick on the star destroyer.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Well no, so on the star destroyer we did get arrested on purpose.”

CAMERON: “Tink didn’t, though.”

HUDSON: “I didn’t.”

LAURA: “Tink didn’t, but I think… Okay.”

AUSTIN: “This one is a research facility. It’s not a detention center. If you’re there you should be there. We’re gonna have a hard time getting probably anyone but me in the front door. You probably… I’m really good at talking to people, right Tink? And by Tink I mean big furry guy.”

CAMERON: (laughing) ‘Because I don’t know your name yet.’

HUDSON: “You don’t know my name yet.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Oh! Yes. Hi. That’s Tink,” Karma says pointing at Tink.

AUSTIN: “Hi Tink.”

HUDSON: “Hello.”

CAMERON: “That’s Xianna.”

LAURA: “Ello.”

CAMERON: “I’m Karma. You already met HK.”

AUSTIN: “Hi HK.”

CAMERON: “I suppose you could also call him Hank if you so desired.”

LAURA: “I call him hank.”

NICK: “Greeting: Hello.”

LAURA: “So, what is the air vent situation on this?”

AUSTIN: “We could look at the blueprint.”

LAURA: Are there air vents included? How big are they?

NICK: There are air vents. There are some that look crawlable. There are none of those convenient, comfortable crawling sizes, and there’s parts where it narrows to where you couldn’t get through, and there’s parts where there’s random laser grids and serrated blades and things.

LAURA: Oh. Yeah, whatever.

NICK: Obviously. That’s how air works.

AUSTIN: That’s how air works on a classified government run facility.

LAURA: They just need to be big enough for Xianna to get through.

NICK: Yeah. There are parts where you could use that.

CAMERON: “Sorry, and you’re Valerissa Sentinel said?”

AUSTIN: “For one, it’s Valorissia Creed…”

CAMERON: “Oh, I can see why that—Okay.”

AUSTIN: “…but only my mom and the government call me that. I’m Val.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Thank you.”

LAURA: “Val. Okay. Do you know what their emergency protocols are?”

AUSTIN: “Probably get the hell off the station.”

LAURA: “Okay. We can maybe work with that if we create a controlled explosion. You said you like explosions.”

AUSTIN: “Controlled explosion?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Yes, so that it is just in one area. Still an explosion blowing things up, but so that it is not where we need to go. Somewhere else.”

AUSTIN: I reach into the pile behind and hold up a shaped charge.

LAURA: “Exactly!”

AUSTIN: “I think I can help with this.” (laughs)

CAMERON: “From experience, when explosions do occur within Imperial facilities it does tend to also trigger lockdown as well as the evacuation.”

LAURA: “Yes, but if no one is there then we can actually get in, Tink can take care of that, I can get through…”

CAMERON: “That’s also when the stormtroopers tend to show up.”

LAURA: “That is what you do. You and Hank, you go take care of that. You will be the lookout. You will be the hitter. You stay there. You hit people, with your guns.”

CAMERON: “Alright Hank, I might be finding you some organics.”

LAURA: “And then we get Tink into the control room, he controls things, and then I break into the cage, I scan, maybe we knock someone out for that one. Elevator, we can deal with that. It’s monitored, but Tink can you know control the feed.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “Pressure-sensitive hallway? Eh. It’s already in lockdown, so as long as it’s filled with atmosphere maybe I can get on the ceiling depending on what the ceiling looks like. And then the vault combo lock, you know, between me and Tink we can probably get into that.”

AUSTIN: “Or we could just blow it up.”

LAURA: “Or we could just blow it up!”

AUSTIN: “I think any of these walls we could just blow up. We just need to do it really fast.”

LAURA: “yes. If we time things out we can get in and get out probably…” How long do you think if someone was just straight walking through, like how long are these hallways?

NICK: Like for each hallway?

LAURA: yeah, like getting into the cage, eye scan, elevator, hallway… vault.

AUSTIN: From the front door all the way to the thing down.

CAMERON: And then the 40 story elevator ride.

LAURA: Just the physical time it would take to walk through it and then back up.

NICK: Well that depends, how are you planning on getting onto the station in the first place?

AUSTIN: Is that room in the middle of the asteroid?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Okay.

LAURA: How long it would take you from being in the facility, getting down to the vault, getting back up… Like, how long are these hallways?

NICK: Are you running or walking?

LAURA: Both, like a combination. Is this a 10 minute thing or is this like 30 minutes? How long are the hallways?

NICK: It’s like a 10 minute thing.

LAURA: “Okay. So you know, in and out we could probably do under 15. Depending on how far away the stormtroopers are, how long it takes them to mobilize, we might be able to do that.”

CAMERON: “There are two victory class star destroyers. They’re not gonna take long to mobilize.”

LAURA: “Yes, but they have to get them into the ships and then get the ships onto the… whatever asteroid it is, and then…”

CAMERON: “I think the Empire is far more organized than you’re giving them credit for.”

LAURA: “Are they though?!” (laughs)

CAMERON: “Yeah. They move fast.” (laughs)

AUSTIN: “Also, there’s a room in this facility that says Stormtrooper Barracks.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Also we blow that up.”

CAMERON: “There’s gonna be a contingency on-planet.”

NICK: Austin read my poker face. (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “Maybe we have many explosions. We blow them up in their barracks, we—“

AUSTIN: “No, I told you, big explosions not mini explosions.”

LAURA: “Okay, but again, we have to get out. We have to not get exploded.”

CAMERON: “Val, she said many, not mini.”

LAURA: “So many.”

AUSTIN: “Many explosions. Oh! Oh yeah. I can do that.”

LAURA: “Many explosions!”

CAMERON: “Tink has issues with her accent too.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “So we explode the barracks, we explode maybe some of the entrances…” Looking at the plans, are there any air vent systems that would be big enough for us to get into the facility?

CAMERON: Big enough for Tink to get into the facility. (laughs)

LAURA: For Tink to crawl through, even if it is just getting in a few feet. He only has to come into the building and not use a main door.

NICK: So, here’s a sci-fi question for you, and it’s gonna come off sarcastic. Why would the air vents lead to vacuum?

LAURA: Because they have to… So coming from a science background—

NICK: Yeah, that’s why.

LAURA: –working under a fume hood for chemicals, it may be a thing where they have to vent out fumes.

NICK: Like a two foot exhaust port that leads to—

LAURA: Like a two meter exhaust port—

CAMERON: Two meter? (laughs)

AUSTIN: Whoa boy.

LAURA: Well no, what is it? It’s like…

NICK: Oh, it is two meters wide.

LAURA: It’s two or three, the size of a womp rat.

AUSTIN: The death star, yeah.

CAMERON: It’s only two meters wide, a small exhaust pipe.

NICK: That’s a big ass womp rat.

AUSTIN: That’s why you can shoot it from your star fighter.

LAURA: It’s not much bigger than a womp rat. I’ve been watching a lot of Leverage lately. (laughing) Full disclosure, a lot of Leverage.

CAMERON: You have to land a precise hit.

NICK: I picked a good time to do a heist episode.

LAURA: You picked a great time to do a heist one. So yeah, just a vent that maybe they use to vent fumes out into space. Maybe a safety protocol one, or even if it doesn’t initially vent out into space, if there’s one that skims the surface close enough that we could…

NICK: Like cut into it?

LAURA: Cut into it.

NICK: If you flip me a light side point you can cut into one. That will get you into the facility.

LAURA: Xianna’s looking at the plans and goes, “Okay, so this air vent is big enough for Tink and the rest of us to get through, and it skims the surface enough that we can setup a small little atmosphere bubble, cut into it, get into the facility, and then we can blow the doors with explosions. That would make it harder for the stormtroopers to get in, and since we’re already blowing up the stormtroopers inside the facility, no stormtroopers!”

CAMERON: “Wait. You wanna blow up the doors out into the vacuum?”

LAURA: “No, no, no. Not necessarily blow it up so that they are like…”

CAMERON: “Just so they’re not operational anymore, not like busting through the doors?”

LAURA: “So they’re not operational. Also, most of those ones are, you know, a double door situation, so to create a—“

CAMERON: “Or they have the shield.”

LAURA: What is it? There’s a name for the, when there’s a door that opens, you go in, atmosphere, then the next door.

OTHERS: Airlock.

LAURA: “Well most of them are double doors for an airlock, so if you just blow up the first door then it makes it much harder to get in, because one there is rubble and then two there is no airlock anymore, so it makes it more difficult to get in because they don’t want to depressurize the whole building… so you just blow up the first door, and many rocks, many explosions, maybe some—well, no fire, because no atmosphere. But rocks, rubble, distraction! We will come in through the air vent and we will get in, we will get Tink to the computer room. Val will blow up more things.”

AUSTIN: “Heheh.”

LAURA: ‘Karma and Hank will take care of anyone who does try to get us. We will get into the cage, steal someone for the eye scan, then the elevator, then I will figure out the pressure-sensitive hallway, and then combo lock. Maybe I get it, maybe we blow it up. Who knows!”

HUDSON: “Just have a few guesses at first.”

LAURA: “We’ll figure it out as we go. You know, keep things fluid. Heh. Room to improvise!”

HUDSON: “So, this is a question for the crew and for Val especially. There’s Humans only in this base, so would you like me to shave myself all over, to…”

LAURA: “Oh no Tink, please do not do that.”

CAMERON: (wincing, laughing) “No, please don’t. Please don’t.”

LAURA: “I once saw a shaved Wookie and I will never unsee it.”

HUDSON: “It could just look like a Human who’s been through a lot.”

LAURA: “You know. You will look like a gigantic penis.”

CAMERON: (snorts)

AUSTIN: “That doesn’t sound exactly like it would be passable as a Human.”

LAURA: “No. You are too tall. Also, you can’t speak Basic without your translator, so you would just be a giant penis running around going AGGHHH.”

HUDSON: “No. No, I could pass it off as—“

CAMERON: “No, that’s not fair. He sounds more like bus breaks.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. It sounds more like (whining growl noise).”

HUDSON: “I could easily pass that off as something that…”

LAURA: “Again, Tink, we are gonna do more of a smash and grab situation. If we see a Human, pew-pew, okay?”

HUDSON: “Okay. Wait, whoa, o! Swish-slash!”

LAURA: “For you swish-slash, for me pew-pew. One we will have to take for an eye scan. So, look, I know Karma does not approve of this, but if they are already dead just, you know, scoop-plop, take the eyeball.” Heh.

NICK: That is definitely an entire chapter in Becoming Medicine, how to take an eyeball from a corpse.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Ew.

LAURA: You use a grapefruit spoon!

HUDSON: “Yeah but, for the sake of ethics, we would need to look at their identification card to see if they’re a donor.”

LAURA: “Tink, you went to an Imperial school. They automatically sign you up.”

HUDSON: “You’re right. Alright. This is fine then.”

LAURA: “So we just need to make sure that they have access.”

CAMERON: “But you don’t know if they’re a contractor or not, so you need to check and see if they have the little heart on their badge.”

HUDSON: “Why don’t I try to hack it first?”

LAURA: “We can try to hack it first. We will get you to the hacking room, you can see what you do, and then we will go from there, okay?”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “I’m just saying, I have no issues taking an eyeball out of a dead body.”

HUDSON: Out of character, I really hope I get a triumph, because I can do so much badass shit if I get a triumph.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: We will do everything possible!

NICK: On the hacking or on the Medicine check?

CAMERON: Uh, on the eyeball popping check.

AUSTIN: (laughs) Two triumphs.

HUDSON: On the hacking.

NICK: You’ll get multiple tries, because there’s different systems in there.

CAMERON: Xianna’s very focused on the ‘okay, this is how we’re getting in.’ She’s very much in the blueprints.

LAURA: She’s still marking on the blueprints. She’s just all over the place X-ing things out, circling things, making paths, smiley faces, winking faces. One section has a taco emoji, you don’t know how that happened, you don’t know what it means, but it’s there. She’s just like in her zone marking things.

CAMERON: “Val, what was your plan for getting there?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, we have to get there.”

AUSTIN: “I am so glad you asked.” I do the Wheel of Fortune gesture over one shoulder. “I’ve got two ships here that are currently in working order. The first one,” I point to the right side, “this one is the Morning Sunshine. It’s a WR542 Shooting Star.” I’m describing physical description out of character now. It kind of looks like an A-Wing that you scaled up to be the size of almost a small freighter. It can fit like ten passengers in it. It’s pure white paint with a bunch of greenish-blue and then purple geometric designs all over it. It looks really pretty.

LAURA: “Okay. Okay nice.”

NICK: We get a sweeping 360 camera shot and then splash are that says Morning Sunshine!

AUSTIN: “So this ship is super fast, it’s super maneuverable, it’s so much fun to drive,” and by drive I mean fly because we’re in Star Wars. “It handles great in atmosphere, and it’s even got a couple of guns on it for … something.”

LAURA: “Question. Please don’t touch my blueprints. I am working… Question. How does it handle not in atmosphere?”

AUSTIN: “Even better. It’s got a .5 class hyperdrive. It’s a courier ship, so it’s really good at getting you to places where you don’t want the guys to get what you’re carrying.”

NICK: Systematically, .5 class hyperdrives aren’t even in the Edge of the Empire system, like the fastest ones are 1s, so it’s very fast.

LAURA: “Okay. Does it have any stealthy things to it? Because it looks very bright and pretty, but…”

AUSTIN: “No! It’s for pure speed.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I can handle this part. I can go into the coms and we can pretend like we are an Imperial ship.”

LAURA: “No. Look at that, Tink. That is not an Imperial ship. It has paint on it.”

HUDSON: “We can say that we’ve been through stuff.”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “It’s not a boring gray color. You can’t just yell we’ve been through stuff. We gained a personality.”

LAURA: “You would be like we got a very fun paint job? No, that is how you get executed in the Empire. Putting on your own fun paint color? No~”

CAMERON: “Alright. What’s the other ship?”

AUSTIN: “Well, the other option, this is the one I really like. It’s the Stubborn As Hell. I call him Stubs.” (others giggle) This is a Skipray blastboat, so it’s like a really big star fighter. It’s all gray. It’s got a bunch of scars. There’s no paint on it. There’s actually paint on the other side that you can’t see, but on the side that you’re on there is a giant turbo laser basically duct taped to the side of it, and it reaches from the back of the ship and past the cockpit so you can see it out the cockpit, it blocks part of your view. “So this is the Stubborn As Hell. It used to be a Skipray. I kind of replaced all of the reactor tech with my own… so I was able to power a turbo laser. Now, I had to rip off all the missiles, but it’s a turbo laser!”

LAURA: “Okay. Okay. How sneaky is it?”

AUSTIN: “Not at all!”

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: “But it’s still really fast, and I can put a hole in a star destroyer with it… because it’s a turbo laser.”

LAURA: Which one is smaller?

NICK: They’re both the same size. They’re Silhouette 4.

LAURA: “Um… Maybe the one without the paint? If they look outside they won’t see it as much? It might blend in better?”

AUSTIN: “You know it has a turbo laser on it…”

(laughter)

LAURA: “It does have a turbo laser, but I’m thinking it is less easy to see mat gray than it is to see bright white and fun colors.””

NICK: Well, and in space, visual confirmation almost never happens.

AUSTIN: Have you done the 360 pan around it?

NICK: I haven’t yet. So, we get the camera doing the 360 pan around…

AUSTIN: On the other side that’s not the turbo laser, where there would normally be your graphic pin-up girl, there is a girl on the side of the ship but it’s Taylor Swift just with her arms crossed making a scowl.

(laughter)

NICK: (smiling) And it comes back around and it says Taylor Swi—and then that gets scribbled out and says Stubs!

CAMERON: It does the thing when you’re in a video game and you’re picking which car you’re gonna drive and it’s doing the spinning thing for both of the ships, and they’re on the lit up platforms. ‘Choose your ship~’

AUSTIN: “I have like eight half-built uglies in the corner and we can fly X-TIEs and Y-TIEs and XYs and Z-Wings and—“

LAURA: “Okay, but are there any that we can fly in without being detected?”

AUSTIN: “If we fly fast enough, or we blow holes in everything that can detect us.”

LAURA: “Okay… Maybe we just go fast enough… I think I am going to take everything inside the building. I will figure this all out. Tink and Karma, and I guess Hank too, you figure out how we are going to get to the building because I don’t fucking know.” Heh.

HUDSON: “Hey, HK.”

NICK: “Answer: yes?”

HUDSON: “How do you think we should be stealthy and get onto the asteroid?”

NICK: “Annoyed Statement: What part of my skills and personality makes you think I’m qualified to answer that?”

HUDSON: “I don’t know you very well right now, so you can just get that snippy attitude and take it right out of here.”

CAMERON: “HK, I appreciate your snippy attitude. Why don’t you look at the blueprints with Xianna and pick a defensible location near the elevator for you laying down, cover fire, if the stormtroopers show up while people are still in the vault?”

NICK: HK starts to walk away, and as he approaches Xianna you hear him say, “Musing: I wonder how many organics I can vent with this weapon.”

LAURA: Xianna actually starts explaining blueprints to him. “And you see, okay. So over here where there is this thing, if you were to create an explosion it would come back, so you could get more people that way. And you see over here, there is this window, you could shoot through that one,” and is actually telling him about the blueprint and how that might make him shoot people better.

NICK: This is all from by Tink, Karma and Val. The camera shot is long towards them. You hear HK say, “Character Analysis: You are very good at murdering people in underhanded ways. I like you.”

LAURA: “Yes. You see this symbol? That means it’s a door. You see this symbol? That means a window. This symbol is for refreshers, so you know, that is where—Well you don’t have to do that, but…”

NICK: “Commentary: I only have lights for eyes, but I would be rolling them right now.”

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “Well, just letting you know, there are ways you can kill people in a refresher. You can drown them I guess. I don’t know. There are things you can pick up and hit them with, you can hide things in there, but do remember there are always hidden coms in the refresher. You have to find them usually behind the toilet. For some reason the Empire always bugs the refresher.”

NICK: “Reassurance: I am well aware of their policy with paper towel dispensers and refreshers.”

LAURA: “Good…”

(laughter)

NICK: So, we’ll cut away from that to the other three standing by the ships. Very lightly in the background you hear (musically) ‘Cruisin’~’ … because that was the best arcade game for cars. Anyway!

LAURA: Heh. Some light jizz.

CAMERON: “Alright. So Val, tell me about these ships.”

AUSTIN: “Both of these ships are pretty much the same speed in vacuum.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

AUSTIN: “The Morning Sunshine is much faster in atmosphere, but I don’t think we have to go in atmosphere on this mission, so realistically unless we’re expecting to get chased back out of hyperspace I don’t think the hyperdrive difference is gonna make a difference, and we should just take Stubs… because we can put holes in things.”

CAMERON: “That is true. Alright, talk to me about the handling. You said one was more fun to drive. Is that because it drives Better?”

AUSTIN: “The Morning Sunshine is significantly—If I was gonna rate them on a scale, I would say that the Morning Sunshine is a +1 and Stubs is a -1.” (laughs)

CAMERON: “Okay.” (laughs)

NICK: The Afternoon Delight is like a -2, right?

CAMERON: (laughing) Yeah! The Afternoon Delight is a -2 handling, because it’s a fucking giant boat!

LAURA: It’s a pleasure yacht. It’s a party boat! We have a hot tub.

CAMERON: It wasn’t meant to maneuver good.

AUSTIN: “Stubs’s armor is significantly better, it’s twice as good… on a scale of 2 versus 4.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “I do appreciate the better armor and  appreciate the being able to fire back and actually do damage.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, so Morning Sunshine only has a couple of laser turrets, Stubs has triple linked ion cannons and a laser turret and the god damn turbo laser.”

CAMERON: “Damn!” (laughs) “Alrighty. I’m leaning Stubs.”

AUSTIN: “And it also even has a small tractor beam, because I use it to pick up salvage. I don’t think that’s gonna assist in this mission, unless we happen to decide to blow that asteroid up, and then we can hope that we didn’t blow up that impossible to find power core inside. I’ve tried that before and I couldn’t find it. It was very sad.”

HUDSON: “You know, if you like explosions then I like explosions. I say we go with Stubby Stubs.”

CAMERON: “yeah. I think the likelihood of us destroying both star destroyers, and the asteroid, and then successfully locating the part you’re after is very low. I’m not a droid so I can’t prove you the exact probability there, but not thinking good.”

AUSTIN: “Well actually, Morning Sunshine has an onboard droid intelligence, so if we wanted to go ask I’m sure he’d give it to us with six digits of zeroes first.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s okay. it’s always depressing.”

NICK: (laughs) We get a cut to the cockpit of the Morning Sunshine and there’s an equalizer display that’s doing voice sound waves, and you just hear an AI voice going, (musically) “Lonely… I’m so lonely…” and then we cut back.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Alright. Practical question. If we take Stubs, can we park our ship in here?”

AUSTIN: “That should be fine. Sure. As long as you can maneuver it around. Can you fit in this bay?”

CAMERON: “Sure! Yeah.”

AUSTIN: Is its silhouette the same?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: “Our ship is the Afternoon Delight, and it—“ It does behave as a Silhouette 4, which means I should be able to park it here. (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: It BEHAVES as one.

AUSTIN: Is that part of your upgrades?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: It LOOKS like a Silhouette 4 for targeting purposes.

CAMERON: (giggles) yeah.

NICK: It would fit. It’s not gonna fit well.

CAMERON: I just really want the Afternoon Delight to be parked next to the Morning Sunshine.

NICK: Yeah. That’s fair. It’ll fit, it just may knock over some of the piles of stuff, but you don’t have to tell Val that.

CAMERON: Okay. yeah, I love it.

LAURA: “Question. Do we have suits to go out into space?”

AUSTIN: “I have suits. You guys are on a ship. You should have suits in your ship.”

LAURA: “Do we? I don’t know. Oh, they might be in that one room.”

CAMERON: “Oh, they’re in the costume closet.”

LAURA: “They are? Okay.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I’m really experienced at doing EVAs, because I have to go fix things on my ships a lot. Turns out when you put an oversized power in your ship and it starts shooting sparks whenever you turn the engines on you have to go fix things.”

LAURA: “Okay. We use Stubs. We get to the planet. I think at this point we will get the suits on. Val, and maybe someone else, will get explosives on the outer doors, and then some of us will setup a little atmo bubble, we will break into the vent. Then we all go into the vent after the explosions are placed.”

CAMERON: “Rewinding a little bit. How are we getting the ship past the two star destroyers?”

LAURA: “I don’t know! That was for you to figure out!”

AUSTIN: “We’re gonna blow them up! It’s got a turbo laser.”

LAURA: “We go real fast.”

AUSTIN: “Well, I can’t aim it, but I can guarantee that it’s gonna put a hole in the star destroyer.”

HUDSON & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh! Tink!”

HUDSON: “yes?”

LAURA: “Maybe say that some sort of maintenance thing is happening and so ignore the ship. That a new maintenance crew had to be hired and something is being fixed on the planet, and put in like a work order so it makes it look like our ship is the maintenance crew.”

HUDSON: “We said earlier I couldn’t do that.”

LAURA: “No, no, no. We can’t do that and we pretend to we are the crew, because they will notice we are not Humans, but if it is just for the ship they don’t see inside the ship, so just to get past the destroyers.”

HUDSON: “Okay. I can do that.”

LAURA: “This is just for the ship to land. Once we land we will be in the suits and no one will be looking anyways, because again, no one cares about maintenance.”

CAMERON: “We can be George Jetson.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma says holding up a code cylinder.

LAURA: “Oh, yes!”

NICK: And, camera wipe! (laughter) We get a quick shot of everyone piling into Stubs, the ship taking off, the Afternoon Delight being parked. It knocks a bunch of stuff over and barely fits at an angle with the landing pad stretched out. It’s a lot bigger and there wasn’t a ton of space. Then we see Karma coming out of that ship in an atmo suit holding the two other atmo suits that she has…

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop.

NICK: …locks it, and then the next thing we see is Stubs snapping out of hyperspace. It was a very short trip, it’s like half an hour. Turns out it was really close. All of this is taking place on the far reaches of the Outer Rim, almost to wild space, which if you’re not familiar with Star Wars.

LAURA: (snooty mocking)

NICK: Wild space is the part that’s like… Outer Rim is Tatooine and all the places that are really lawless. Wild space is literally lawless. There’s nobody out there. People just do whatever they want. It’s like international waters, but space. Isn’t that fun? There’s not a lot of it. Also, I think the Chiss are out there somewhere.

LAURA: The Chiss are out there somewhere.

AUSTIN: I thought they were in the unexplored regions.

LAURA: Yeah, but wild space is kind of merged into the unexplored areas.

NICK: So you do like wild space and then unexplored, but it’s kind of all slang for the same thing.

LAURA: But there’s no distinction, yeah.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: It’s different EU writers calling it different things.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Wild space is like you can’t really hyperspace jump, and the Chiss base you also can’t but they have their beacons or whatever.

NICK: Yeah, it’s a whole thing. So the ship snaps out of hyperspace. The asteroid is almost perfectly spherical. You can see little bunkers and stuff sticking out, but it’s very obvious that a majority of this station is inside the rock, they carved it in. You can see some lighting that the top third or so seems to be the majority of the stuff. It’s like they only settled part of it, or like there’s a secret vault further in…

CAMERON: Bum-bum-BUM!

NICK: Ooh. And there are two victory class star destroyers, the Hammer and Sickle, that are on either side of this. (laughter and groaning) They’re in interlocking sensor grids to where there’s no way you’re gonna get to it without being seen. To illustrate that, what’s the ringtone for the coms on Stubs?

HUDSON: (hums Crazy Frog)

(laughter)

NICK: God damn it.

CAMERON: (hums Kim Possible stinger)

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: I was just picturing the fax noise, but that’s just me.

AUSTIN: Nah, I think it’s just like an air horn. I didn’t rig up something to really replace it, but I needed something on there, so like I don’t know!

NICK: Yeah, so you get a mechanical air horn that goes off.

LAURA: “Ahh! What is that? Are we dying?!”

AUSTIN: “That’s just the coms.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay. We are not dying.”

AUSTIN: “It’s fine.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.” Heh.

NICK: Who’s flying? Val, are you flying or is Karma flying?

CAMERON: Karma’s flying.

NICK: You did enough test flying. You’re comfortable with the ship at this point.

AUSTIN: Yeah. I did an ask around the crew. I can okay pilot, but I’d much rather be able to go fix things and make things better if we need to.

NICK: There was an awkward scene of everyone just standing around in the cockpit and Val just kind of pointing at the chair and then walking away and karma shrugs and sits down.

AUSTIN: “Figure it out!”

LAURA: Tink and Xianna would have just been looking at Karma like, “you know how to fly. You fly? We don’t.”

CAMERON: (laughs) Karma’s like “It’s not my ship, I don’t know if Val wants to,” and then Val’s like ‘meh’ and walks away. “Alright! I guess it’s me.”

AUSTIN: “Just figure it out. I gotta get the reactor started and I gotta make sure it doesn’t blow up on us. I’m sure it hasn’t happened before.”

CAMERON: (nervously) “Great! Okay.” karma’s flipping switches and shit.

NICK: Okay. The com channel opens and you hear, “This is the ISS Sickle calling unidentified aircraft. You will be destroyed in the next 30 seconds as our weapons charge. What is your purpose here for our logs for ships destroyed? Thank you.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you got to send them the—“

AUSTIN: “SUP?! We’re here to visit the facility!”

LAURA: “You send them the code with the thing you are—“

AUSTIN: “And here’s that code! Give me the code.”

CAMERON: (laughing) karma plugs it in and sends it.

AUSTIN: “There!”

NICK: “Weapons charging at 75%.”

LAURA: “You are Officer George Jetson.”

AUSTIN: “I’m Officer George Jetson!”

NICK: “Why are there multiple people talking on your end?”

AUSTIN: “Shh! I’m the extra officer here!”

LAURA: I would be on a com or something, or whispering, so it’s not…

CAMERON: There’s not enough space in the cockpit for all of us. (laughs)

AUSTIN: No, there isn’t.

LAURA: So I would have just been like whispering, yeah.

AUSTIN: There’s a pilot and a co-pilot, and I think there’s like two extra seats back where the gunner and the coms are or something, or maybe there are two gunners. I don’t remember.

LAURA: Whatever it is, I would have set it up so that they couldn’t hear me talking to Val.

NICK: Right.

LAURA: “Okay. Say you are Officer George Jetson. You are here on a secret undercover mission.”

NICK: “We see here that you have clearance that does not match your ship. What…”

AUSTIN: “You ever heard of field acquisitions? This is a great ship.”

LAURA: “Say you are on an undercover mission!”

AUSTIN: “I’m on an undercover mission. Can’t you tell what undercover looks like?”

NICK: “Um… Please stand by,” and the coms click off.

LAURA: “Okay. That was not terrible, but it was not great. I would not even say it was good, but I think I can work with this.”

AUSTIN: “Karma, hit that green button. We might need the turbo laser.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Click.

NICK: And the whole ship starts to rattle and jitter and you hear this high-pitched whining and sparks start shooting everywhere. It’s probably fine. That was the Sickle that called, right?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: The Hammer is coming around the opposite side and all of the turbo lasers from these two things are pointed at you.

CAMERON: Karma cracks her neck and grabs onto the, I don’t know, the steering wheel.

AUSTIN: “I’m sure they’ll let us in. Just keep flying towards it.”

CAMERON: “Yep. That’s my plan.”

AUSTIN: “You said your credentials are great. That means I can do whatever I want.”

CAMERON: “(heavy exhale)”

LAURA: (nervously) “Maybe. We will see~ Okay… Let’s wait for them to get back to us. So far they haven’t—“

AUSTIN: I hit the button. I’m gonna call them back.

(laughter)

LAURA: “They haven’t shot us yet. You know what, be assertive. Good.”

AUSTIN: “Quit aiming your guns at us!”

NICK: (whining) “I’m sorry! Let me put the captain back on the line!”

Then there’s a break. “Unidentified ship!—“

AUSTIN: “Quit aiming your guns at us! This is an Imperial ship. I claimed it!”

NICK: “This is standard protocol.”

AUSTIN: “Now quit aiming your guns. Didn’t you see the clearance?!”

LAURA: “Say you are an, a very, an… enforcer!”

AUSTIN: “I’m on a very important mission. I need to get on that station right now, and you need to get out of the way!”

NICK: The captain says, “Oh, my goodness. You’re that George Jetson. My mistake, sir. My apologies, sir.” You can see the ships drifting back and the turbo lasers snap away very quickly. “We didn’t know. You didn’t tell us. Protocol is you’re supposed to give us a forewarning.”

AUSTIN: “That’s right. I’m George Jetson.”

LAURA: “But say that you could not give a warning because of the special undercover mission.”

AUSTIN: “Thanks for your time!” And I hang up.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh no… Okay. Thankfully that code is very good and they should listen to you anyways. Okay…”

NICK: The cannons click away and you’re clear to approach. Do you avoid the airlocks and go towards the weak point in the wall that you were planning to cut into? What is your plan?

LAURA: Yes. The plan was to land by where we’re gonna cut into for the vent, because we would need to put up a little bubble or something so that when we get in we can put atmo in there, because there’s no wall anymore.

CAMERON: We needed to grab a shield.

LAURA: So we would need to put a little shield bubble thing, so while Xianna and someone else was doing that Val and someone else was gonna put explosives on the main doors, so we would get out with our suits on…

NICK: Ah, okay.

LAURA: …and Xianna would start setting up the bubble with whoever else wants to setup the bubble, and then two other people and probably Hank would go around and put explosive devices by the doors.

NICK: Okay. You land on the side of the ship and you hear (air horns).

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: (air horns)

AUSTIN: (laughing) I hit the button again. “Say my name!”

(laughter)

LAURA: “You cannot be this assertive!”

NICK: (nervously) “Inspector… Inspector George Jetson.”

AUSTIN: “You’re god damn right!” And I hang back up again.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Oh my goodness! Oh, shit. If they call back just tell them you are on an undercover mission and to not worry about it. Just say to ignore you.”

NICK: (air horns)

AUSTIN: (laughing) I hit the button again.

NICK: “Um, Inspector Jetson, our extreme apologies—“

AUSTIN: “We’re on a secret mission! Can’t you see we’re trying to infiltrate this facility?!”

NICK: “This is our facility, sir…”

LAURA: “No! We are checking protocol!”

AUSTIN: I hang up again.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Oh my god. If they call back say you are checking security weak points and to just ignore our ship, and anyone… okay, okay…”

NICK: They don’t call back.

CAMERON: “Xianna, I would like to point out that it was your idea to have Val play the part of George Jetson.”

LAURA: “IT was my idea, but I didn’t think any of us could—“

AUSTIN: “They’re leaving us alone! I don’t see what your problem is.”

LAURA: (breathy) “Okay. Oh boy.”

AUSTIN: “The star destroyers are backing away. You just gotta be assertive with these guys.”

CAMERON: “Val, how do I turn this laser off?”

AUSTIN: Heh. “You hit the red button and then the purple button and then toggle those two switches over there, and then hit that green button.”

CAMERON: “Okay!” Ba-dum, toggle, toggle, plink.

NICK: It doesn’t turn off. It starts to power charge.

AUSTIN: “I’m gonna go walk back there and go deal with that.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma just hits the control panel.

NICK: Yeah. That, and then Val does that (clunk) trying to walk calmly but running very quick and cuts full power to the ship. The next thing we have is you all setting up your bubble and then a bunch of explosives all over the station. It sounds like some people are setting charges to breech and some people are setting charges to booby-trap later to vent atmosphere. Yeah?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Some are going to breech into the vent. The rest are going on the outer airlock doors to make it harder to get in, as a distraction, and to create rubble.

NICK: Okay. Who’s in which group?

LAURA: Xianna would be setting up the little bubble and then setting to get in. How many outer doors are there I guess?

NICK: There’s the main hanger bay, but that’s not really a door, that’s one of those open things. There’s two access ports scattered across.

LAURA: Okay. it would really just be Val and one other person putting explosives on those.

NICK: Who’s gonna go do that? Who’s gonna be the third person?

CAMERON: Karma.

AUSTIN: Karma has seen a bomb before.

CAMERON: Taken some firepower.

NICK: HK and Tink are gonna stay on the ship until everything’s ready.

CAMERON: HK’s probably watching Xianna’s back.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LAURA: Tink is probably helping me setup the little bubble.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: Then we cut into the wall to get into the vent. On coms we’ll let everyone know that we’re ready to go in, and then when Karma and Val get back we get into our bubble and… then we go. We penetrate.

NICK: So, the only thing with that—Ick. The only thing with that is we’re gonna need some Stealth rolls for the people blowing the outer ones, because there are sensors outside of this station. Karma and Val, I’m gonna need you to cross the station appropriately, and then also I’m gonna need… I guess it would be heavy weapons? What do you use for explosives?

AUSTIN: Mechanics.

NICK: Okay. I’ll need Mechanics checks from Val probably for having set them up.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Karma can put them down, bring them over and put them in the right spot, and then I do the final (clicking and whooshing noises).

CAMERON: Heh. Karma’s helping carrying them and is then just holding her blaster watching out.

NICK: Yeah. So, Stealth rolls.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty on this Stealth roll?

NICK: (comically long, drawn out “um”) … Average.

CAMERON: (snickers)

AUSTIN: We must have gotten another com call.

SEVERAL: (air horn noises)

AUSTIN: Say my name!

NICK: God damn it. (laughs)

AUSTIN: You’re god damn right.

CAMERON: (laughs) Alright. Three successes, two advantages for Karma.

NICK: Do you want to use your advantages to give Val a blue die on her Stealth roll?

AUSTIN: Two advantages are worth one blue die on mine?

NICK: You can give her two.

CAMERON: Ha-ha!

NICK: Because technically one advantage can give a blue die to whoever’s turn is next, so…

CAMERON: So I just did that twice~

AUSTIN: And you can stack that?

NICK: Yeah, but it costs more to be like, if it were all of you doing stuff, it would be ‘I specifically want to give this person something.’

AUSTIN: Well, I am not sneaky at all, and also not agile, so we got two greens.

CAMERON: Ah, you’re fine.

AUSTIN: Two successes and a threat.

NICK: Great. We’ll do this as a montage thing. Make that Mechanics roll for breeching. Specifically what you’re trying to achieve with this is to break the door or to breech to vent atmosphere?

AUSTIN: I think we’re breeching it. We’re just gonna blow them away and wreck the station behind us.

LAURA: Yeah. The idea was to blow up the outer doors of the air lock, because then there’s no airlock.

AUSTIN: So that they can’t land people.

LAURA: So it makes it harder to get into the facility.

NICK: So you’re trying to just blow the outer doors of the airlock, not both doors?

LAURA & AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Okay. That’s gonna be hard difficulty, then.

AUSTIN: Fortunately I have a 4 in Mechanics and 3 Intellect, so this is three yellows and a green.

NICK: Well… Ooh. I wanna flip a dark side point. Upgrade that difficulty.

LAURA: Could we argue that she had time to plan, and since we had the blueprints it would be maybe easier and she could have a boost die…?

CAMERON: For being more exact with the amount of explosion necessary?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Because we had the blueprint, so we could look exactly where they would need to go.

NICK: That’s fine. I’m just going for that good, good despair.

CAMERON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: (laughs) I’m sure nothing will go wrong.

CAMERON: Phew.

AUSTIN: One failure and four advantages.

NICK: These were things you were gonna blow later, like after you went loud, right?

CAMERON & AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine.

AUSTIN: (laughs nervously)

NICK: We’ll talk about those advantages later. Walk me through what it looks like sneaking over the station, setting the charges. It fails but you don’t know it failed. What does this all look like?

AUSTIN: We mis-hooked up a cable or something, so either it won’t blow right or it’ll blow wrong, or whatever you decide is the worst.

NICK: Yep. We’ll find out.

AUSTIN: I just walk over.

NICK: You just walk across the station?

AUSTIN: I walk like I’m meant to be there, because I’m god damn George Jetson.

LAURA: Well, because we’re outside.

AUSTIN: There’s no sneaking. They can see us.

LAURA: yeah.

CAMERON: Karma crouches and walks the whole way in a crouch, because that’s how you sneak.

NICK: All the cameras go just over Karma’s head and see Val, and track Val, so it looks like there’s just the one.

AUSTIN: I look like I’m supposed to be. I have a maintenance vacuum suit on, because that’s what I do.

NICK: Ooh! Something I should point out. While you all are wearing vacuum suits, as you take damage or take threats there’s potential that they will get holes in them.

LAURA: Yeah. You take them off once you get in. That’s what Xianna’s gonna do.

NICK: yeah. There’s vented hallways too. Just something to bear in mind, that could be a problem. Yeah. You make it there, you set all the charges, you come back, you’re gathered in the bubble, ready to rock and roll.

LAURA: Yeah. Once we get into the bubble, we seal off the bubble, and Tink and Xianna cut into the wall? I think it was a wall.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Xianna goes first into the vent, and we get into the vent.

NICK: The vents have atmo in them.

LAURA: Okay. The bubble would just have taken some of the atmo. That’s why we had a small bubble.

NICK: Yeah. The vent smells very bad for the record.

HUDSON: Ew.

NICK: It’s like a sulfur castoff kind of situation, so that’s fun. (smiling)

CAMERON: Hmm.

AUSTIN: I’m sure having it come out of a lab won’t be a problem.

LAURA: Xianna would have had everyone walk in as far as they can with the vents until we can no longer use the vents because they get too small, and we then exit.

NICK: You’re able to go through the vent. Basically you crawl through some stuff. These are probably the biggest vents the station has which is why you picked them, so you’re able to get through pretty easily, even HK can with his big old gun. You spit out into a hallway next to a series of labs. The first thing you notice is there are about twice the amount of security cameras as there were on the blueprints. You are in a blind spot, but they are freaking everywhere.

LAURA: “Oh no.”

NICK: You know from your experience that the computer server room is gonna be to the left, the vault’s going to be to the right, and where you’re at is probably the third best place on the station to setup a kill zone if you’re trying to do weapons cover. Who’s going where and doing what?

LAURA: “Okie. There are more cameras than I thought. I do not know if we can sneak past them all, so maybe what we do is we have Val, the Human, in a maintenance outfit, get to a computer room, plug in Tink’s stuff, and then he can control everything from in here…”

AUSTIN: “Sure. Give me that rank cylinder.”

LAURA: “… and then we can turn the cameras off, or loop them. You want to loop them so it doesn’t look…”

HUDSON: “I’ve dealt with this before. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Yeah.”

NICK: Mmm. Hmm…

HUDSON: GM decisions.

NICK: I don’t think Tink is gonna be able to control everything wirelessly. I think Val may be able to shut down enough cameras to get Tink there, but he’s gonna need to be in the room.

LAURA: Okay. “Val, you will pretend to be maintenance worker. Get into the computer room—“

AUSTIN: “Oh, that’s easy, I’m am a real maintenance worker.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yeah, you are. So you just go into the maintenance room. If there’s only one person in there you can just, you know, boop, get them on the head, you have that room now, shut down a few of the cameras, and then we get Tink in there. If there are not enough people for you to take care of immediately so that no one calls for help, you will need to sneakily turn these few cameras off and then we get Tink in there, and Tink can smash them too, and we shoot them all. Sound good?”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, we’ll see what happens.”

LAURA: “We’ll wing it! Yes, we will wing it.”

NICK: You all are setting up a position in this hall and Val’s going off alone?

AUSTIN: I’m stripping the vacuum suit off. I’ve got my maintenance coveralls under it. I’ve got a leather jacket on now, because I’m armored.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You wave your hydrospanner at the cameras like ‘hey.’ Alright. You take off down the hallway. The security room is not that far. About half way there you see a kind of squat looking guy who’s just freaking jacked and he has a cut-off vest on. You notice he has a red bandana tied around his head. “Hey, uh, can I see your identification  please?”

AUSTIN: I wave the rank cylinder with all its wires hanging out at him.

NICK: “Uh, wait, hold on.” You try to walk past him. He puts his hand on your shoulder. “Whoa, whoa, whoa.” You notice he has a very big blaster rifle that’s pretty stripped down. “Now, that one’s not regulation. You can’t just wave that around. Your ID badge. I’m a security consultant here. I just started so I don’t know everybody, but I need to see…”

AUSTIN: I open my leather jacket and show him the patch on my chest that just says Val.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “No, that’s very good. It’s nice to meet you, Val. I don’t want to cause any problems. If you lost your card that’s fine. We can go to the security checkpoint and get you another one.”

AUSTIN: I look around the room while I’m reaching for my wallet. How many cameras are where I’m standing?

(laughter)

NICK: Like, one is pretty obvious.

AUSTIN: What about that hallway that he’s pointing me down towards the security room?

NICK: If you flip me a light side point there’s a very obvious camera dead side. Okay, yeah. He’s pointing down that way. You can see it’s 50 yards down this hallway and then there’s a metal detector with a couple of guards. It’s around a corner, you can kind of see the reflection, you know what the setup is, but if you get to that dead spot no one’s gonna bother you.

AUSTIN: I look around through my wallet and I flip through and I’ll just look at him kind of disappointed. “Sorry man, it looks like I don’t have it. I guess I’ll follow you down to the office.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s fine. Back where I came from we’d lose stuff all the time. It was the trees. They’d just take stuff, so… We’ll just go this way.”

CAMERON: Oh no~! (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) He lets you walk first and starts to head down the hallway. You get to that dead point. What do you do?

AUSTIN: Yeah. I’m gonna just turn around and punch him in the face.

NICK: Alright. I’m gonna need a Vigilance roll from you.

AUSTIN: Can I do a spinning back fist so that it’s a Cool roll? It doesn’t make a difference stat wise.

NICK: You absolutely can do a spinning back fist, but I’m gonna need a Cool roll for if you get the drop.

AUSTIN: It doesn’t make a difference, because my—

NICK: It does for him. He’s not as Cool.

AUSTIN: Okay. Yellow and a green. That is two successes and a triumph.

NICK: Nice! He’s three green.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Hey—Ooh.

AUSTIN: I don’t know how that racks up.

NICK: He gets to go first, but your triumph means he’s… So, he sees you start to spin and he ducks. “Man, this is like day one,” and he puts the gun into your stomach and pulls the trigger. I need a shooting roll, which is three greens against one purple, because he’s in close.

LAURA: Did you say you had armor?

AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Do you have defense?

CAMERON: No defense.

LAURA: No defense on it though?

NICK: Just soak?

AUSTIN: yeah, and it’s not a melee attack.

LAURA: Okay.

CAMERON: One failure and an advantage.

NICK: Damn. The advantage is that it throws you back. Your padding absorbs the blast. His gun kind of malfunctions. “The sap! I must not have cleaned it enough.” He steps back from you, but it doesn’t hit you. The advantage is it knocked you off balance a little bit. It’s your turn.

AUSTIN: Well, as an incidental, I’d like to slot my blast knuckle cylinder in. For explanatory purposes, I’ve got gloves on that are like armor, like biker gloves, but they have a slot on the back where I can put a cylinder in and I have blast knuckle cylinders, which basically means when I hit them I take a strain and they get shot by a blaster.

NICK: Cool. Very cool.

AUSTIN: I put that on.

NICK: Yeah. You slot a blast knuckle cylinder.

AUSTIN: And then I’m gonna just go for the uppercut, just under the chin, because he’s like a foot shorter than me.

NICK: Yeah, he’s pretty short. Alright, roll your attack.

AUSTIN: I got three yellows against always two, because every melee attack is two difficulty.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

AUSTIN: We got two successes and three advantages.

NICK: How much damage do your blast knuckles do?

AUSTIN: My blast knuckles do +4, which means that I’m doing 9, and I take a strain.

NICK: (scoffs) If you want to spend your triumph you can just knock him out, if you would like, or put him down if you’d like to do that, or you can roll a crit, or you could use your triumph for something else. It’s up to you.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ll just knock him out. I just hit him up and he bounces off the ceiling and comes down in a heap.

NICK: Yeah. He slams down and doesn’t move.

AUSTIN: I shake my hands and get a little bit of that steam off, because I did just shoot him.

NICK: Yeah. That’s pretty bad. Because you got a triumph and the way this has gone so far the security people don’t hear, it’s a dead spot in the cameras, you’re able to just shake your jacket off, brush the scoring from the misfire off, and head back down to the hallway.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna grab his ID badge too.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: And take the cylinder back.

AUSTIN: Yeah, and take the cylinder back. Can I get that body back? Yeah, I pick the body up and I just take it back down the hallway with me.

NICK: Okay. He is indeterminately alive right now, but the ID badge you took says Mills, Private Contractor, and has a picture of this same scarred up, jacked dude.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: You bring Mills back.

CAMERON: “Oh hey, it’s Mills!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh look! Look at him.”

AUSTIN: “Wait, you guys know this guy?”

LAURA: “yes!”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah! Huh.”

LAURA: “We are still going to put him in binders, in case he wakes up.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I have an idea. He’s my grand plan for how to get through the atmo-less hallways. They should just open for him, and then we take him with us.”

LAURA: “Yes, that is why we get the badge. Okay, so I take the badge since Val and I will be going.”

CAMERON: “She needs to go to the computer room first, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Yes. Val takes the badge to get into the computer room, and then Val and I will go into the things with the atmosphere whatever, hallways, you know. So go.”

AUSTIN: I walk back down the hallway that same direction I tried a second ago. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. You go back. You’re able to get to the security room. There’s a bunch of screens everywhere. There’’ some computer terminals. There’s some buttons. How are you trying to solve this situation of turning off specifically that one stream of cameras they needed?

AUSTIN: There’s no people there anymore?

NICK: Not right now.

AUSTIN: Okay. I just start walking around and looking at displays trying to find the one that has something that matches the current hallway.

NICK: You’re able to find it pretty easily. You can see these scuff marks from where you dragged Mills. There’s mud for some reason. You can see where it leads. You found the right bank. As far as turning them off, there isn’t an obvious power switch here.

AUSTIN: Is it just like monitors with keyboards?

NICK: Yeah.

AUSTIN: Is there a tower for each set of displays?

NICK: It’s like a bank behind it set into the wall.

AUSTIN: Can I reach?

NICK: Yeah, you could reach it.

AUSTIN: I just take the whole thing out of the wall.

NICK: Okay. You just rip that out.

AUSTIN: I just grab it and go (crunch). I don’t bother with trying to unscrew anything. I have the tools for that, because I have a tool belt, but it’s faster to just rip it.

NICK: You assume it shut everything down.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: Great.

AUSTIN: (laughs) The displays went out!

NICK: The cameras that you can see along that hallway just go (fart noise), so they’re probably off.

CAMERON: “heh. Camera down, go, Tink, go.”

HUDSON: “Right.” I start a hefty jog.

NICK: Heh. You shuffle-run your way down the hallway.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Tink, you get in, there’s rolling chairs everywhere. This is your web an you are the spider. You are ready to get in. Val, do you meet up with the others?

AUSTIN: Yeah. I nod at Tink as I walk past and go back down the hallway.

HUDSON: I crack my knuckles. … “Ow.” (laughter)  “I did that too hard.”

LAURA: “Tink!”

AUSTIN: His knuckles are a little sore from our fight.

LAURA: “Tink, don’t hurt yourself.”

HUDSON: “Sorry…”

NICK: (laughing) Okay. He sits down, and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 29 Aggressive Recruiting

PDF download: Episode 29 Aggressive Recruiting

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 29:
Aggressive Recruiting

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Oh goodness, space friends. Our Patreon has only been live for two weeks and we are $4 from our first goal. I want to take a second to thank these amazing people who got in on the ground floor. Ashley Coyle, thank you so much for your support. You are super great and we appreciate you. Austin Whittington, you rock, you cool person you. Chris Russell, you are a fantastic human and we like you a whole bunch. GyaradosSkullfucker, we really appreciate the support and our fun Discord conversations. JJ Cappa, thank you so much, you’re awesome. John Bacevicius, sorry about the pronunciation, you are also super great and appreciated. Jose Guerero, thank you for chipping in, we can afford to fuel the Afternoon Delight now. Richard Kreutz-Landry, you freaking rock. Thank you for being so supportive of our show and our lives in general. And Sp4rkleFish, thank you for your support and constant kindness.

The Patreon is really getting hopping now folks, and I hope you’ll check it out. We already have a few finalized NPC submissions and they could begin appearing as soon as the next arc depending on some player choices. It’s up to fate now. Consider joining us on this wild ride.

Additional music this week is Cantina Rag by Jackson F. Smith and Semper Fidelis by the Heftone Banjo Orchestra.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 29 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. We just ate a crap ton of chicken fingers, and we’re all greasy and sleepy now, so this is gonna go really well. Grab some, they’re in the fridge, I put them in a big bag. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce themselves and what characters they’re playing. If they spent any experience then tell you what you experience spent on.

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: (giggles)

NICK: Words are hard. Up first we have—

LAURA: You have an English degree!

CAMERON: What on Earth?!

NICK: (laughs) Words written are easy… harder… less. Up first we have Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson. I was born September 24, 1991. I’m playing—

(laughter)

LAURA: Now tell me your mother’s maiden name, your first pet’s name…

HUDSON: And the last four of my social security number?

LAURA: …and the last four of your social. (laughs)

CAMERON: We need the model of your first car.

LAURA: Oh yes, the model and make of your first car, your high school mascot.

HUDSON: The make and model of my first car was Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

(laughter)

LAURA: Thank you.

NICK: Great. Did you spend any experience since last time?

HUDSON: Nope. Hoarding it.

NICK: Great. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend experience, and I went up to Rank 3 in Piloting: Space.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Cool. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I got another rank in Stealth… Yes? It was Stealth. Also, Cock Blasters is canon. It’s a real place. It’s where we ordered our chicken from.

NICK: (sighs heavily)

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Now I have to figure out which parts of that go in and which ones don’t.

LAURA: Leave it all in. Look, people on Twitter actually said they enjoyed the phrase cock blasters and they thought it was funny.

NICK: But does that have to do with us or just in general though?

LAURA: In general and us.

CAMERON: Well no, they haven’t even heard that episode yet. They just saw the tweet that you posted after I said it.

LAURA: I don’t remember who it was, but someone said they wanted that on a shirt.

CAMERON: I think it was Ashley.

LAURA: I think, yeah.

NICK: Probably Ashley. Alright.

LAURA: Wanted Cock Blasters on a shirt, and I gotta figure out how to do that now, because… Yeah.

NICK: Well, this episode won’t come out for about six weeks, so I have time for you to forget and for me to make it sound like I won.

LAURA: Oh, Nick, like I would forget that? It’s in my notes. (laughter) Also, including the phrase ‘like a Bisquick biscuit on the end of a tiki stick.’ (laughter) Yup.

HUDSON: So, for the Cock Blaster shirt, you need a rooster in Han Solo clothing with a blaster.

CAMERON: Yesss~!

NICK: Ooh, that’s very good. Does it say Cock Blasters on it or is it like if you’re in the know you know?

HUDSON: No, it says Cock Blasters on it.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: Yeah. He said it says Cock Blasters.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: (reluctantly) Okay.

LAURA: Also, I have ‘we bangin’ in my notes as well, so that should tell you something about the quality of my notes.

NICK: They’re good notes.

LAURA: Also nipple clamps.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Very important.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. We’ve made him sit here quietly long enough. For the next indeterminate amount of episodes, we’ll see how it goes, no pressure, we have our friend Austin here playing a guest character. Austin, who are you, do you have any plugs for the internet or social media you would like to say about, and what character are you playing today?

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing a character today.

NICK: Great.

AUSTIN: My character’s name is Valorissia Creed. She’s a Human technician, and I have… There’s probably people on the internet, but I don’t care about them.

NICK: He also does not exist on the internet. You don’t care about the internet? No one on the internet?

AUSTIN: I don’t care about specific people on the internet. I like the internet.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LAURA: But we’re on the internet and we’re specific people.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna plug Tabletop Squadron. It’s a great podcast, and I’m happy to be participating today.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. Perfect. (laughs) Alright. Before we get started let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

AUSTIN: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Guys!

HUDSON: Sorry. It was my fault.

NICK: Oh gosh.

LAURA: Actually, it was my fault. I rolled two, so…

CAMERON: It was mostly Laura’s.

LAURA: …that’s on me. In my defense, I rolled light side points for like the last ten episodes.

CAMERON: Listeners, Nick is making a very scary smile.

NICK: It’s gonna be fine.

LAURA: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine.

CAMERON: Which you can get, on a t-shirt, at Teepublic. Search Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: We plugged that earlier.

CAMERON: I know! But I’m plugging it right now!

LAURA: We can plug it again! Buy our merch!

CAMERON: I’m staring at Hudson’s shirt!

AUSTIN: Hudson is currently wearing a shirt that says ‘Tabletop Squadron, I’m sure it’ll be fine.’

CAMERON: In a lovely blue color.

LAURA: And he’s holding it out, towards his microphone, as if that’ll somehow do something.

(laughter)

CAMERON: And he dabbed.

LAURA: And he’ still dabbing. Oh god, I think he’s gonna die. Are you gonna show us the TikTok video now? Are you gonna put slime on us now? Please don’t.

NICK: Okay. Do we want to start the…? Okay! The last time we left off you went back to see Sentinel, explained the quests that you had completed, that you managed to get your ship off of that planet that you should have been able to leave right away but your ship blew up, collected some bounties, and he charged you with the task of picking up the next member of Beta Squad, someone that he said was named Valerissa, and he gave you coordinates to some sort of lab facility, and that was basically the information he had. Apparently the contact would not negotiate over coms and he sent you as representatives. Your mission is to offer this contact either a good chunk of money, which he didn’t tell you specifically how much but he—

CAMERON: Yes he did, 15,000.

NICK: Did he? Thank you.

LAURA: Even I have that in my notes.

CAMERON: And it’s for the good of the galaxy.

LAURA: And we can keep 50% if we haggle her down.

CAMERON: And we can bargain for to assist with what she needs.

LAURA: I also put a winky face. I’m not sure why. I think it was probably because you said something that I thought was somewhat of an innuendo, I think it was with haggling her down, but whatever it was I put a winky face. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Next episode you all can do the summary. That was way more entertaining.

CAMERON: Also we picked up our gear, Xianna got laid…

LAURA: Oh yeah, my notes do say ‘we bangin’ next to Nolaa’s name. She’s officially on my ship list as confirmed. I do have a ship list in my notes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: So it has the Afternoon Delight, a Mon Cal cruiser.

AUSTIN: Yeah. (laughs) I have a ship list too. They’re space ships.

LAURA: No, it’s called Shipping Manifest. There’s not that many names currently. There’s Falx, unlikely, Jorus, unlikely, Nolaa, confirmed.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Ooh, that’s fun.

CAMERON: Oh. Something else really big happened last episode. We woke up HK!

LAURA: Oh, we turned on the droid.

NICK: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I call him Hank. (laughs)

NICK: And you woke up the assassin droid, HK-67.

LAURA: Hank.

NICK: Hank… and—

CAMERON: HK.

NICK: And… so you have a new member of your crew, a highly deadly artificial intelligence. I was wondering why I had his stats in front of me.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

NICK: Alright! We begin with the Afternoon Delight snapping into normal space. A nearby star bathes the ship in its light, but there is almost no reflection off of the mat black night shadow finish. The light does catch the pin-up girl painted on the side making it look like she’s winking as the ship approaches the scientific facility that contains your contact, Valerissa, apparently. The station is made out of pieces of ships floating near to each other and tethered together with walkways. There is a large open space that looks like the ship hanger for a star destroyer but with the star destroyer removed, and you see several ships pulling through its ships to land. There is a spider web of transparesteel walkways leading away from the hanger and into other ship pieces. You see half a brightly lit Mon Cal cruiser, some smaller ships, even what looks like a dome made out of star fighter canopies.

When you pull in to land there is plenty of space. The hanger is less than half full with other portions of the ship taken up by craft that had been ripped apart. Engineers are arguing over a disassembled X-Wing. One of them is kicking what looks like a proton torpedo over and over again.

We get the crew walking out of the ship, heading across the hanger, and you see this sign that’s pointing at a desk that says Information Desk.

CAMERON: Boop-bwoop.

NICK: (smiling) You lock the ship. Okay.

CAMERON: (laughing) Yup.

LAURA: Xianna goes up to the information desk. Is there a bell to ring or is a person there?

NICK: Ha! Sucker. The desk is covered in dust and clearly hasn’t been used in years. Below that line on the sign, it says—(laughter) I laid a subtle trap. Below that line on the sign it says Science Labs and there are arrows pointing towards literally all nine of the tunnels that you can see in every direction. The rumble of a distant explosion gently shakes the hanger. The engineers don’t look up from their argument. Below all of that on the sign you can see a third addition taped to it that says Bar with an arrow pointing to a single, separate tunnel. What do you want to do?

LAURA: “Okie. This seems like way too much work. Nine tunnels is way too many to explore. I say we go to the bar and we tell Sentinel she just, she died or something.”

CAMERON: “Um… No?” (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, but we could search for like the next six hours, or we could be drunk.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I’m not vetoing the bar, I’m vetoing the second half where we just say that she’s dead and we leave.”

LAURA: “Do you think they will give us drinks in like to-go containers? Go to the bar first then explore.”

CAMERON: “Possibly. We could also ask the bartender if he knows which tunnel we should go down.”

LAURA: “Maybe they have those meter drinks that you get at bachelorette parties.”

CAMERON: “They probably have yard margaritas.”

LAURA: “Meters, because this is Star Wars…”

CAMERON: “Yeah, a yard.”

LAURA: “…and everything is in meters.”

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “Uh-huh. Yeah. A yard.”

NICK: Nautolans use Imperial measurement, canon. The Nautolans lose ships a lot because they do it in Imperial and everybody else does it in metric.

CAMERON: No…

AUSTIN: Water measurements are different than space measurements.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: But they do use Kelvin for temperature, which makes it even worse.

(laughter)

NICK: Oh boy.

LAURA: Because you see 0 degrees and you’re like okay, that’s not too cold, and then you die.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “From my planet, meters are actually spears of meat that are cooked.”

CAMERON: (snickers) “But they are exactly a meter long, so they do use those as forms of measurement.”

LAURA: “Meat her? I hardly know her… Heh.”

NICK: … Boo. So are you going to the bar? Is that what’s happening?

CAMERON: “yeah, so you meet her, because—Ugh. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Heh.”

NICK: Ick.

CAMERON: No. Laura’s doing a hand gesture, and no.

LAURA: I’m not. No I’m not. This is all getting cut. Whatever.

NICK: Are you going to the bar? Is that what you’re doing, or are you searching through this facility?

LAURA: We’re gonna go to the bar first, see if they have portable drinks.

CAMERON: Karma knows that her new crew children behave better if they’ve gone to the bar.

NICK: Okay. You walk through one of these transparesteel tunnels. You can actually see that this is a really large facility just cobbled together from a bunch of different space stations and half built ships and things like that. Everybody tell me one weird ship thing that has been turned into a building that you can see through the tunnel.

CAMERON: All of the ramps are made out of wing parts.

NICK: Yeah, okay. That’s cool.

CAMERON: When you’re flying on an airplane and they’re slowing down, the part of the wing pops up to add drag, they do that and it can like spring you so you don’t have to walk up, so if you’re a good jumper you can just spring.

NICK: (smiling) There’s weird mechanics in the stairs and ramps. Okay, cool.

CAMERON: Yeah, but they’re like trick steps. Watch out.

AUSTIN: There’s a meeting room with a TIE fighter wing sitting on the ground in the middle and then a bunch of TIE fighter pods around it in a circle, like the MIB interview room, but they’re also egg chairs as cockpits.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. That’s very cool. That room also takes up an entire hanger, because those are very big. They all wear the pilot headsets to talk to each other.

AUSTIN: You can fit like eight people in one of those things. They just gotta be very cozy.

NICK: So it’s like a team meeting room, it’s for big room planning situations.

LAURA: There’s one little section that’s just a bunch of cockpits from YT1300s and they’re all just connected so it’s like a spikey little ball.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: That’s all I have.

NICK: That’s cool.

HUDSON: There are… I don’t know ships. That’s the problem.

NICK: There’s like infinity ships, so just think space ships in general.

HUDSON: No, like the name of them is what I meant.

NICK: It doesn’t matter. Just describe what you want it to look like.

LAURA: He doesn’t know what any of them look like. Heh.

HUDSON: I don’t know what most of them look like, but I could say that there is a children’s playground with…

LAURA: There’s a ball pit, isn’t there? That’s what you’re gonna say? There’s a god damn ball pit.

HUDSON: So there’s a ball pit, but it’s made out of engine parts.

CAMERON: Ow.

NICK: Oh god.

HUDSON: So it’s not very comfortable. Only droids like it for some reason.

CAMERON: (smiling) Oh god…

AUSTIN: I mean, if they’re still balls they’re round enough. Or is it just like a scrap pit?

HUDSON: It’s kind of just a scrap pit they call a ball pit.

AUSTIN: Okay.

NICK: So, you’re walking through this tunnel, you go through some of these rooms or see them through doorways. When you pass the ball pit you see this really greasy fist punch into the air holding a specific sprocket. You expect to see a child and you see a 45 year old mechanic in a greasy jumpsuit. “That’s where they put this stupid thing!” and starts climbing out of the pit grumbling.

And you come to the bar. It’s an unmarked doorway. The only way you can tell it’s a bar is you hear music coming out of it and some different colored smokes and bar smell. Everybody knows bar smell. As you go in, the bar is like many of the other dive bars you’ve been to in your career. The room is dark and smoky, and you can see some large people in the back wearing mechanics coveralls playing Sabacc. The drinks appear to be served in lab beakers and test tubes. The bartender is a skinny Human man wearing a lab coat and goggles with white hair sticking out in every direction. He nods to you and salutes with a test tube that’s glowing green before handing it to a Jawa sitting at the bar. It’s robe is dangling off of the stool. You see some sort of laser dart board on the wall being used by a Dug—those are those weird aliens that walk on their hands and use their feet for hands—and a Mon Cal scientist. They’re arguing good-naturedly. In the corner there’s what looks like an anthropomorphic spider wearing a patched top hat that’s open on the top like a suit can and it’s playing four guitars right now, and it just sounds like a good bluegrass cantina song. Austin, where is your character sitting?

AUSTIN: I’m in the back room. I have a separate description for this.

NICK: Okay. Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s already at the bar ordering drinks, and she goes up to the bartender like “Ello. Do you have any stoppers for the beakers?”

NICK: The scientist looks at you and gives you the hang on a second finger, and he looks back at the Jawa who’s shaking the empty test tube. “You’ve had enough! No more for you!” Then he turns back to you and says, “Yes, we have stoppers. Are you trying to get some to go?”

LAURA: “Yes. Okay. Let me get four drinks in the beakers. I don’t know what drinks you have, just something fun. Put stoppers in those and then two test tubes, and then whatever they want.”

HUDSON: “Get me a Shirley Temple! No alcohol.”

LAURA: “Oh, and I guess a Shirley Temple, no alcohol. He keeps flip-flopping on whether or not he is drinking.” (chuckles)

CAMERON: (chuckles)

HUDSON: “No. I’m keeping the edge this time.”

LAURA: “He’s keeping the edge… I don’t know.” Heh.

NICK: He’s been mixing drinks under the bar as you’re talking and you hear a lot of rattling of glass and everything, and then he pulls out some beakers that are already full and pops stoppers into them with both thumbs, and then he turns around and he fills the test tubes from some taps behind the bar and pops stoppers into those, and he hands them over to you. He’s got four of them between his fingers.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna takes the beakers and attaches them to her utility belt, because she does have that, so she now has four beakers on her belt and she takes the test tubes for herself and drinks those. I’m sure they’re like bright, fun, neon colors, right?

NICK: Oh yeah. They’re glowing. It looks like a rave.

LAURA: Oh, what am I doing to myself…

CAMERON: They all came out of the same tap in the back but they’re all different colors.

NICK: Ooh, yes, I like that. When you go to pay he says, “Oh no, these are just byproducts from an experiment anyway. They’re all for free. It’s a morale thing.”

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

LAURA: “Oh! Thank you! Heh.”

NICK: At this point the Jawa swoons and falls off the barstool and is just lying on the ground pointing at the ceiling and giggling to itself.

LAURA: “This seems nice. So anyways, can you help me? I am looking for a person. Her name is, uh, Valerissa?”

NICK: “Uh… I would recommend against—“

LAURA: “No. It’s okay. You see, she just never called me back and I am trying to figure it out. She kept some things of mine and I would like them back. You know how that is sometimes.”

NICK: “So, uh, okay… Are you armed?”

LAURA: “Yes. Heh.”

NICK: “Oh- Oh… Keep that handy. I don’t know when the last time you talked to her was, but you’re gonna wanna… be… You’re bringing your new boyfriend with you, right?”

CAMERON: (snickers)

LAURA: “Oh no. That is not my boyfriend.”

CAMERON: Tink is just sitting there sipping his Shirley Temple.

(laughter)

LAURA: “It’s okay. This would not be the first time I’ve been shot this week, so whatever. Heh.”

NICK: “Okay, well…”

LAURA: “It will be fine,” and I wink at him.

NICK: He looks like he’s concerned but that he’s someone who lives in an anarchic space station. “If it turns to fighting—I really shouldn’t say if—just please take it outside into one of the hallways.”

LAURA: “Will do!”

CAMERON: Karma steps up behind Xianna and just crosses her arms and her sword and carbine are very visible.

NICK: “Oh. Okay. That should be fine. She’s in there.” He points and there’s like a bead curtain hanging over a doorway and you can hear some noise and stuff. The music gets louder.

LAURA: Xianna shoots the two test tubes, hands them back, salutes, and walks through the bead curtain.

CAMERON: Karma waves to the bartender and says thanks and then follows Xianna, grabbing Tink along the way, like looping arms with him.

HUDSON: I wave.

NICK: He moves his head like he’s winking but he’s wearing tinted goggles so you can’t tell.

LAURA: Xianna just walks right into the room. “Ello! Which one of you is Valerissa?! Heh.”

NICK: Okay. What does this room look like?

AUSTIN: So! It’s a biggish room. There’s a bunch of people all yelling, all facing toward the middle of the room. There is a space ping-pong table that takes up about the middle third and the middle third, so of a grid of nine it’s the middle… middle-middle.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: There’s two people playing space ping-pong. There’s a big elderly Bothan with a big, white mustache wearing a referee shirt standing on the side very carefully watching the ball go back and forth. On one side there is a Rodian that is playing table tennis and gently hitting the ball back trying to keep it on the table. On the other side there’s a very tall Human female. She’s playing real tennis on this table, so every time she hits the ball it’s almost across the room before the Rodian even notices, and the crowd is just going wild every time. You look up at the wall and you see the score counter is 4 to 20, so…

NICK: Heh.

LAURA: Nice.

AUSTIN: …it’s almost game point. No one hears you exclaim. They’re too busy watching the game.

HUDSON: There’s a crowd in this room?

AUSTIN: yes. There’s like 30 people squeezed around this table all cheering.

HUDSON: Oh nice.

AUSTIN: It’s like a college party watching people play beer pong, but it’s ping-pong.

CAMERON: (laughs) And there’s a ref.

AUSTIN: And there’s a ref.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna start walking around the room asking people where Valerissa is and drinking unattended drinks, you know…

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: That’s safe.

LAURA: …like she does.

HUDSON: Wow. Living on the edge.

LAURA: Well, ones that she sees other people drink.

CAMERON: I feel like every single time you’ve ordered a drink you’re like no it’s very important only the bartender touched this, and now you’re just going around and drinking everyone else’s? (giggles)

LAURA: Well no, if they set them down she grabs them. That’s fine.

CAMERON: How do you know they didn’t roofie their own drink?

LAURA: That’s the point. Their drink is probably fine, it’s just you don’t let some strange guy turn around and then come back with your drinks. If they’re already drinking it you just take it from them and keep drinking. That’s so different.

CAMERON: (laughing) I feel like it’s not.

LAURA: (smiling)  This is Xianna logic. Their drink is probably fine.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna see this and make a note to talk to Xianna later.

HUDSON: I shake my head disapprovingly.

NICK: yeah. You’re stealing drinks, talking to people, you find a Gamorrean mechanic who is just wearing, it looks like just bandoliers, like everything is just tools. You say hey, we’re looking for Valerissa, and it does a (grumble bark) and then just points at one of the ping-pong players… that’s not the Rodian.

LAURA: I go back to Tink and Karma. “Okay. It is the ping-pong player, the Human.”

CAMERON: What is Valerissa wearing?

AUSTIN: She is wearing a blue work shirt, dark work pants, she has a bandana over her hair. She has short-ish red hair, a little bit of bangs.

CAMERON: Are you wearing one of the shop work suits that has your name sewn on it?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s got the… Yeah. The name patch just says Val.

CAMERON: Karma’s already noticed the name.

AUSTIN: Everything is covered in oil.

CAMERON: And Karma points at the same time Xianna starts to say it’s that one.

HUDSON: “She’s quite the looker.”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, they both are but we are going for the Human one.”

HUDSON: “Oh no, I know.”

LAURA: “Maybe wait until the ping-pong game is over?”

CAMERON: “It’s about to be.”

NICK: On that, there’s a smash, the ball hits the Rodian in the eye and the Rodian goes down, and then gets up. It’s speaking Huttese, but—I don’t know. Karma probably speaks Huttese.

CAMERON: Yeah! She’s a bounty hunter.

NICK: Anyone who speaks Huttese hears the Rodian throw the ping-pong paddle and be like “What the heck? You said friendly game!” and stomps out of the room, and everybody in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan).

LAURA: I’d assume Xianna speaks Huttese. I’m assuming  a lot of Twi’leks do.

NICK: Probably. That would make sense.

CAMERON: Ew.

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: Do you speak Jabba the Hutt’s language, Tink?

HUDSON: …

NICK: It’s not on your sheet.

LAURA: It’s not written.

HUDSON: Oh! I was about to say, did I put languages down?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: No, language isn’t really like a…

NICK: This ain’t D&D.

HUDSON: I picked up some of it. I don’t know it very well.

NICK: You know how to cuss and ask where the library is?

HUDSON: And the bathroom.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Language in these books is sort of you assume that everyone can speak everyone else’s language unless it is comical to not. There is a legit section in the book where you just assume everyone speaks everyone else’s language, unless it would be fun not to.

CAMERON: And most of the ones, like, if you speak Wookie you understand Wookie but you speak Basic because your vocal cords aren’t set up the same way that a Wookie’s are.

(everyone tries Wookie noises, descending in quality)

NICK: Alright. The crowd starts to disperse a little bit. Were you playing for any particular prize or anything?

AUSTIN: I walk over to pick up my money from the old Bothan.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, so you see the person that has been identified as Valerissa picking up money.

LAURA: Xianna is immediately doing the little like shoulder slide. “Oh, ello,” to Valerissa.

AUSTIN: “SUP?! You here to fight or talk?!”

LAURA: Oh no. (laughs) “Um, talk? Mostly.”

AUSTIN: “Gah. No one ever wants to fight anymore.”

LAURA: “I mean, what do you mean by fight?”

AUSTIN: I put my fists up. “We can do it right here. Let’s just do it.”

LAURA: “Oh, oh, I thought that was maybe a code word for something. Never mind, um, talking… I think we have a mutual friend who has a job for you.”

AUSTIN: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

LAURA: “Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: I just walk past her. I go out to the bar.

LAURA: “Excuse me!” (laughter) “Excuse me, I was talking to you. I have a drink if you want it! I have drugs if you want it.”

HUDSON: “Hey buddy, she’s talking to you.” I grab her by the shoulder.

AUSTIN: I just push the hand off and keep walking.

LAURA: “Do you want to fight Tink? He’ll fight you. He was in a fight ring recently. He won.”

HUDSON: I push her in the back.

NICK: Ohh! (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit.

LAURA: “I think he killed a Wookie! Heh.”

AUSTIN: I turn around and look up a little bit, and then punch him in the stomach.

NICK: Alright, I guess we’re doing this~

(laughter)

CAMERON: Karma steps up, “Alright, we’re gonna have a good, clean fight.”

LAURA: Xianna immediately yells out, “I have 20 Credits on the Human!”

NICK: A Rodian that’s holding its eye comes charging back in through the door and takes your bet against the Human in Huttese, it just nods and does the hand gestures like a stock broker across the floor. I need Tink and Val to roll Cool for who actually goes first.

CAMERON: For this there’s not gonna be any difficulty.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

AUSTIN: A success and two advantages.

NICK: Alright. Valerissa goes first. Go ahead and roll me that there Brawl check.

AUSTIN: Alright, we’re gonna roll that there Brawl check.

NICK: For punching Tink in the stomach. SO Val whips around and just plants one in Tink’s tummy before he even knows what’s going on.

AUSTIN: She has a big grin on her face. She’s very excited to finally hit someone. Two successes.

NICK: Are you wearing your brass knuckles or are you just bare knuckle bossing)

AUSTIN: I’m bare knuckle. I didn’t even put them on yet. They’re in my pocket.

NICK: Okay. That’s 5 damage against Tink. Tink, what’s your soak?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: So you take 2 damage. It’s your turn in the initiative. Val just punched you straight in the stomach. It was uncomfortable. What do you do, Tink?

HUDSON: I try to go up and do a big bear hug straddle.

CAMERON: (laughs) What?!

NICK: What does that mean? Like tackle her?

LAURA: Who knows what that means!

NICK: Are you tackling her, are you just trying to hug her, what are you doing?

HUDSON: Like hug and hold in a lock.

NICK: Alright, we’ll do a Brawl check for that. We’ll see what happens.

HUDSON: Guess how much I have in Brawl.

NICK: Zero.

LAURA: It’s all in Melee.

NICK: Two difficulty.

AUSTIN: I’m rolling three yellows, by the way, because I know how to fight.

LAURA: That’s why I put my money on you. Yeah.

HUDSON: Two successes, one disadvantage.

NICK: Threat?

HUDSON: One threat, yeah.

NICK: For two successes… There aren’t any grapple rules in Edge of the Empire, they’re just like roll Brawl and figure it out. Thanks guys. Are you trying to hurt her or just restrain her?

HUDSON: Restrain.

NICK: Okay. You grab her in a big Gigoran, totally not an albino Wookie, hug and pin her arms down by her side, and you’re very close together, and you’re stuck. You can try to break out or try to…

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sweep his legs.

NICK: He’s got you off the ground. He’s a lot taller than you.

AUSTIN: Well, he’s not that much taller than me, he’s like a foot taller than me.

NICK: Enough to pick you up, though. That’s part of the grapple.

AUSTIN: Let’s see, what maneuver am I gonna do here then…?

NICK: You could kick him in the kneecap. You can headbutt him.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m gonna headbutt him.

LAURA: Just get him in the kidneys, right here.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna roll Brawl for this headbutt. He lifted me up to look him in the eye, and I’m still grinning while I’m doing this. That is, uh, nothing.

CAMERON: That’s a wash.

NICK: Okay. You try to headbutt him and you hit him in the translator.

CAMERON: And it feels very fluffy on your head.

(giggling)

NICK: The translator does a static crackle and then says, “horse, duck, snake, Wallace,” and then…

CAMERON: Wallace?

NICK: Yeah, weird glitch. (smiling) I don’t know why I said that.

AUSTIN: Well, it did just get headbutted.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, you’re up. What are you doing now? You got her restrained. She just tried to headbutt you in the face.

HUDSON: “You have beautiful eyes.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Oh god…

LAURA: “Tink! Stop giving her compliments and punch her! … Wait. No, no, no. Let her punch you!”

HUDSON: “Wait, what? I’m very confused now.”

LAURA: “I put money on her. I put my money on her. You have to lose.”

HUDSON: “Ohh. Oh, no.”

NICK: The Rodian is standing next to you and starts grumbling in Huttese about rigged bets.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: I turn to him like “Don’t worry, he does not listen to me anyways, so who knows.”

HUDSON: Is there a wrestling move where when you’re holding them you like body slam them? Is that just a body slam?

NICK: So, you have two options.

CAMERON: (laughing) You just wanna fall forward and land on her?

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You have activated Nick’s secret background. He used to wrestle. Two options, you can either jump and just try to belly flop on top of her, like pull your arms out of the way and just be like I’m heavier than you, which would hurt, or if you can explain why you would know how to do this from your backstory, you can suplex her, which is you go over back the other way and make her head hit the ground before your shoulders hit, and that can seriously mess somebody up.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yeah, did you not watch Glow?

HUDSON: Oh yeah. So, I have a little bit of—I was never really good, but back in school I would do some amateur wrestling with the guys.

NICK: Is that why you were so good in that fight pit, is it was similar?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Well yeah, it’s an Imperial school, so they made you do at least some combat training.

NICK: Yeah, but when he says he did amateur wrestling with the guys I’m picturing like Insane Clown Posse backyard wrestling for YouTube stuff.

LAURA: Oh yeah, because it’s Tink, he would have definitely hung out with the weirdo kids.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay, you’re gonna suplex her?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I’m gonna give you a blue die because you already have her grappled. Just gonna do it on the fly. Otherwise it’s versus two purple. Ooh wait, and I’m gonna flip a dark side point to upgrade one of your greens to a yellow.

HUDSON: You mean purples to a—

NICK: No. I’m upgrading his with a dark side point, because if he knocks out the contact that would be bad.

(laughter)

HUDSON: Two advantages? (laughs)

NICK: Okay, um… So I guess it doesn’t work. How do you dodge getting suplexed by this massive…?

AUSTIN: As he’s going back over his shoulder I break out of his arms and get my feet down on his legs and push off and jump across the room, so he still falls on the ground and then I just stand up and look at him. “Alright. That’s what I’m talking about.”

NICK: Can we spend the two advantages that you are sated from your blood lust for now or are you trying to knock this guy out?

AUSTIN: No, I gotta hit him one more time. (laughs)

LAURA: yeah. She’s gotta win. I have money riding on this.

NICK: What would you like to spend your advantages on?

CAMERON: I’d say probably don’t fall down.

HUDSON: Oh yeah, I wouldn’t fall prone.

NICK: From the suplex, you’re good enough, you roll back up onto your feet. No, you don’t kip up, you’re not that cool, you just keep going over backwards and—

CAMERON: You do a cool backwards summersault back up to your feet.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: I think Tink bumps into the crowd and they do the mob push him back into the middle thing.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Alright. What does Val do now?

AUSTIN: She goes for the solar plexus shot, which is about… shoulder height on her.

HUDSON: Go for the what?

AUSTIN: Solar plexus. I’m gonna knock the wind out of you.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: That’s the nerve cluster just below your sternum.

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s where your ribs come together.

HUDSON: Ohh.

NICK: It’s bad for you to get punched there.

CAMERON: Aw, that was almost a triumph.

AUSTIN: Three advantages and a failure.

NICK: Okay. So, Tink, you block it.

HUDSON: Yep.

NICK: I assume you just catch her fist in your big mit and don’t let it hit you.

HUDSON: Yeah, and I try to interlock our fingers but that doesn’t work out very well.

CAMERON: Heh. ‘Your hands are so soft.’

(laughter)

HUDSON: I don’t say that yet.

AUSTIN: He can’t even tell. He has fur.

NICK: He’s got pads on his hands.

CAMERON: He has hands, like there’s fur on the back, but he needs to be able to computers so he, like… it’s all touch screens.

NICK: And then for three advantages… I don’t even know. You can give yourself a couple blue dice.

CAMERON: Or give him a black die.

LAURA: Yeah, give him a black die. Can you make him fall prone?

CAMERON: No.

LAURA: No?

CAMERON: We’ve tried that before.

NICK: Even if that’s in the rules I don’t like that.

AUSTIN: Can I give him a black and give me a blue on my next one?

NICK: Yeah, those are options. Cool. So this is turning into a Matrix fight where everyone’s dodging everything and blocking things.

AUSTIN: And the crowd’s just all cheering around because they never get to see me fight anymore.

NICK: Yeah, because no one will fight you.

LAURA: Xianna’s getting upset though, because it seems kind of even. I never actually listed that I have sand in my pockets so I can’t just pocket sand Tink.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma just walks over to HK and leans an arm on his shoulder and leans against him.

AUSTIN: Oh, I guess HK walked in.

CAMERON: Yeah. HK’s been following us.

NICK: He’s been following the whole time. “Obvious Statement: The woman should have defeated your Wookie friend four times over by this point.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, he’s just getting lucky.”

NICK: The droid just kind of stares. It does this weird thing where it just stands perfectly still and you wonder if it’s off or if the audio hit, and it just is staring not doing much. Tink, you’re up.

HUDSON: “Alright. What do I get if I beat you?”

AUSTIN: “Maybe I’ll talk to you.”

HUDSON: “Good enough.” I go in for a roundhouse kick.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Roundhouse!

HUDSON: Roadhouse!

LAURA: Roadhouse. Heh.

NICK: Did you take your black die?

HUDSON: No. Is that just an upgrade?

NICK: The black just gets added. The black die that Val added from her cool moves.

HUDSON: Three failures…

LAURA: Those go away.

HUDSON: Three failures.

NICK: Yeah. Roundhouse kick does not work even a little bit. I think you pull your hip slightly because you go too high.

HUDSON: “(groans)

AUSTIN: I just duck, and it goes entirely over me and he trips on the other side.

NICK: Yeah. He does not fall, but he is a little off balance. You’re just moving faster than Tink is. He just hasn’t adjusted. Most of the people you fought have been your size or wearing heavy armor, Tink, so this is different for you to be fighting someone who’s light on their feet.

CAMERON: (laughing) Also you’re not a brawler.

HUDSON: I’m not good. I have nothing in Brawl!

(laughter)

CAMERON: He’s like well normally I’d hit with my axe right now and be really badass, but I guess since I can’t use that, I’ll kick her.

NICK: Tink’s doing a lot of the moves that he would use with his axe, because when you have an axe that big you can throw punches and kicks and things to put them into position for the axe. So, he throws that huge kick and normally when they duck then you have the axe behind it and they’ve already dodged so you can hit them, but you don’t have your axe so you’re just like well crap. Alright Val, you’re up.

AUSTIN: Alright. Oh, I have a blue die this time, because I had advantages last time. I’m just gonna go for… I’m just gonna grab his fur on his chest and sweep both of his legs at once, and just put him on the ground.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay.

AUSTIN: There we go. Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: If you take two of those successes I’ll let you knock him prone. That would be 4 damage and then an advantage that you can use for, like, a blue die on your Intimidation check or if you want to just Kali Maa this guy. I don’t know what your plan is.

AUSTIN: (laughs) I’m just gonna hit him until he stops trying to stand back up. He doesn’t need to be… Actually, I’m just gonna tell him that. “I’m just gonna keep hitting you until you stop standing back up, so whenever you’re ready to give up just let me know.”

HUDSON: “(chuckling) You are a little rascal.”

(laughter)

NICK: So we have Val standing over Tink and Tink starts to get up and she just plants a fist in his chest. Did you take your damage?

HUDSON: I did.

NICK: You start to get up and Val does it again. It’s your turn. What do you wanna do?

LAURA: “(quietly) Tink, just lose~!”

HUDSON: “Shut up!” (laughter) I try to grab the fist and throw them over me.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Go for it.

LAURA: “Tink, I have money on this.”

HUDSON: “I have my pride.”

NICK: You also have the option you can do, if you could grab a chair leg or a bottle you could suddenly be armed, but that takes it away from being a friendly bar fight. … That’s actually pretty good.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: So that’s 5 damage going towards Val.

CAMERON: Nope!

AUSTIN: What a coincidence. I have a Soak 6.

(laughter)

HUDSON: (chuckling) Oh no…

CAMERON: Nothing happens!

AUSTIN: Just a no sell. It just hits me and I go, “Alright. That was a pretty nice shot.”

NICK: Tink does like an elbow lock and is able to toss you over his shoulder and he gets up and he planted a palm in your chest to make you stumble back and you don’t give any ground, and seems relatively un-phased there.

LAURA: Can Xianna say, take a drink off a table and spill it right where Tink is standing?

NICK: yes. Do you want this to be sneaky?

LAURA: Oh yeah, this is gonna be sneaky.

NICK: So this is Skulduggery as hell. This is the very definition of Skulduggery.

LAURA: Skulduggery? Cool. Yeah. I can do that.

NICK: Poor Tink. You told him to fight.

LAURA: Yeah, because I had money.

AUSTIN: 20 Credits on the line.

CAMERON: Karma’s watching, because she was reffing, so if she’s successful can I do a Perception check to see if I see her do it?

NICK: You sure can.

AUSTIN: This is no longer a nice, clean fight.

LAURA: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Everyone’s distracted. Tink, what’s your Perception score? We’ll do it against Tink specifically.

HUDSON: Two.

LAURA: Can I get a blue die because he’s in a fight?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Oh! Ooh boy. So that is a triumph with a success and four more successes.

NICK: Wow. Yeah.

LAURA: Turns out I’m sneaky.

NICK: You can roll your Perception check if you want, but…

CAMERON: I’ll try it. We’ll see.

NICK: …with the triumph and four successes, I’m gonna say this is daunting difficulty.

CAMERON: So four?

NICK: Yeah, and one of them is red.

CAMERON: There you go, Austin. We had talked about this. Can I get a blue die since I was watching specifically though?

NICK: Since you were actively refereeing and probably were watching Xianna specifically for cheating, you can have a blue die, (laughter) but she’s still that good.

CAMERON: My purples came out poorly. No, three failures.

NICK: Three failures. Not only do you miss Xianna tossing the drink but Val gets in a pretty solid eye gouge while you’re not looking.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Tink’s in a bad way.

LAURA: I want to use that to give Tink a setback die and give Val a boost die.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s fair. Honestly, with the triumph, you can have this do something more impactful than that if you would like.

CAMERON: Tink peed again.

LAURA: Tink falls prone.

NICK: Yeah. That’s fair. Tink will fall prone.

LAURA: Tink falls prone and now also has a setback die.

NICK: Yeah. That’ll be two blue dice for Val because he’s on the ground. I think the way this works out is the drink you grab is in one of those beakers and you throw it and it’s super viscous and slippery. It’s like vegetable oil consistency for some reason. There’s a Trandoshan that hisses at you, it was drinking some sort of weird blood oil mixture, but it’s super-duper slippery and Tink immediately just cartoon arms everywhere hits the ground.

HUDSON: W-W-Whoa~!

NICK: Smack.

LAURA: Scooby Doo sound effects.

(dramatic bass noise)

NICK: We’re gonna just say Val you get to go again at this point. We’re playing it fast and loose with the friendly bar fight.

AUSTIN: Here we go! I’m gonna strike a pose, I’m gonna give the audience the make some noise gesture…

NICK & HUDSON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: …and then I’m just gonna drop the People’s Elbow on him.

LAURA: Yes~!

(laughter)

AUSTIN: Two successes and an advantage.

NICK: That’s 5 damage coming at you, Tink. It’s actually pretty comfortable. It’s probably the most comfortable People’s Elbow you’ve ever dropped, because he’s a big fluffy dude.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: You hear a slight crack as you drop your full weight onto him.

AUSTIN: There’s a fair amount of weight behind that one.

NICK: Yeah. Tink, she just caved in your chest a little bit. Whatcha doing man?

HUDSON: “(coughs, wheezes)”

AUSTIN: “Are you ready to give up? I’ve had enough fun. I might be willing to talk now.”

HUDSON: “Oh, really? Ugh… Uncle.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I look at the Rodian. “Okay~ 20 Credits, please.”

NICK: The Rodian says “ee-chuta” and just drops the credits on the ground and stomps away.

AUSTIN: In the crap that she spilled.

CAMERON: And it’s all in pennies, in credit equivalent of pennies.

NICK: Yeah, and it’s all slimy now. As the Rodian is leaving it walks past some flowers but they’ve been dead a really, really, really long time in a vase. They’re like preserved potpourri flowers. It gets a spine in its other eye and (shouts in pain) and then walks into the wall, and just grumbles and stumbles out.

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “That is what you get for being rude.”

NICK: It didn’t lose the eye. It just got something in its eye again. It’s just having a rough day.

CAMERON: Aw, okay.

NICK: Poor Rodian.

AUSTIN: I stand up and I help Tink back up. I’m happy to help him back up now the fight’s done.

HUDSON: “Alright. Good fight. Good fight.”

NICK: Everyone around in the crowd goes (long disappointed groan), and they go to play ping-pong but seeing not Val and this Rodian play space ping-pong it’s obvious that space ping-pong is much, much harder than they made it look, because you see a couple of drunk guys trying and the ball never leaves the table and they miss constantly and it’s very sad. The crowd starts to disperse and go back to the main bar.

AUSTIN: I gesture to the bartender. “Hey Doc, give me a Crashing Wave.”

LAURA: Oh no… Oh no…

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “You guys ever heard of a Crashing Wave?”

LAURA: “No I have not. What is it?”

AUSTIN: “It’s one of Doc’s specialties. You know when you’re out at the beach and you go out playing in the water and you get a big wave that just crashes on you and you get a bunch of salt water up your nose and you don’t know which way is up anymore?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I love that feeling.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just like that in a drink.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. That sounds awesome!”

AUSTIN: “I had Doc work it up just for me, because I kind of can’t leave the asteroid very easily and I kind of miss planets.”

CAMERON: “Another one please.” (giggles)

LAURA: “No idea what that means. Okay.”

NICK: The bartender, Doc, takes one of the beakers and takes a Nos canister and plugs it in, and then—This is all things that you won’t have to emulate.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Laura’s like, oh I know.

NICK: Do you have a preferred color or anything you’re thinking about, Laura?

LAURA: Well, if it’s a Crashing Wave it’s gotta be blue-ish.

AUSTIN: It’s salty and it’s strong.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Is there salty alcohols?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: He connects the air canister and fills it up and then inverts that into some sort of carafe of blue alcohol, and then turns it over and it filters through. He puts a cap in it and then he takes out a syringe of what looks like clear fluid and sticks it in the top and slowly injects it, very slowly, while watching a stop watch like that’s going to make a difference, and then when it’s done he takes it very carefully and pours it into two glasses and slides them on the bar. There’s a little left and he dumps it out in the sink behind the bar and it goes (boom). “Well, that went better than last time. I’ll put it on your tab, Val,” and he goes to sit down.

AUSTIN: “Yeah, no problem, Doc. Thanks.” I pick mine up and I cheers.

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma will grab the other one.

NICK: It makes a sound like black cats when you knock them together, just for a second like it’s destabilizing a little.

HUDSON: What does that—Wait, what?

AUSTIN: Like the fireworks.

CAMERON: No, the fireworks.

HUDSON: Ohh!

(laughter)

LAURA: I was imagining (angry cat noise). Hudson and I both imagined holding two black cats and then smooshing them together, which is weird because when we smoosh our kitties together we go fight, fight, fight, kiss, kiss, kiss, and then we make them kiss.

CAMERON: You have to make them kiss!

LAURA: Also, if it’s Fry, Fry will immediately try to grab the other cat in a little hug and hold them and lick their ears, and it’s very cute and Lilo hates it.

NICK: Poor Fry.

LAURA: Fry just wants to be friends with everyone.

NICK: It makes a sound like the black cat fireworks crackling, like it’s destabilizing.

CAMERON: Ohh…

NICK: You know, like two black cats you’re trying to have make out for some reason.

HUDSON: Bad luck. Bad luck.

CAMERON: What size of a drink is this? Is this like a shot or a tumbler?

AUSTIN: It’s in like a tumbler. It’s not a shot but it’s not the big tall one.

CAMERON: Oh, okay. It’s a sipping drink.

AUSTIN: It’s a sipping drink.

LAURA: A sipping beaker.

AUSTIN: It’s like a two-a-night and you’re good for the next two days drink.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Oh shit. Okay. Cool. (laughs)

AUSTIN: “I just really like it because it, you know, it tastes just like the oceans back on Lianna, and I haven’t gotten to go there in like three, four years now and it just sucks.”

CAMERON: Karma tastes it and it tastes like ocean when it gets up your nose. (laughs)

NICK: Mm-hmm. Burny-salty.

CAMERON: “Ah, that’s so good!”

NICK: Ooh. Do Nautolans care if salt water gets up their nose?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So then now you know what it’s like for a Human to get salt water up their nose.

CAMERON: “(smiling) Oh, that feels so weird!”

NICK: (smiling) You’ve never experienced that.

CAMERON: “Is this what y’all feel like all the time?”

LAURA: “I don’t know. What are you looking at me for?”

CAMERON: “I was just wondering. Have y’all ever breathed salt water into your nose?”

LAURA: “No…”

HUDSON: “Can’t say I have.”

LAURA: “Well, there was this one time when I got into an aquarium once. I think it was a salt water aquarium. I don’t remember if I got water up my nose. I am assuming it’s, uh… I’ve put other things up my nose, though.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. Yeah. Okay.”

LAURA: “I think I got you. Okay.” Xianna’s taking one of her belt drinks and unplugging it and drinking that now.

NICK: Well now I’m picturing—Was that a date with your Herglic girlfriend, breaking into an aquarium at night to go swimming?

LAURA: Oh, probably. It was either that or one of those drunken ‘I’ma get in the fish tank. Okay, I’m going to be a fishy.’

CAMERON: ‘I want that fish. I am stealing zat feesh!’

LAURA: ‘I am going to steal that fish.’

CAMERON: ‘Eets gonna be my little feesh and I shall call it squeeshy.’

LAURA: ‘It looked at me weird. I am going to hit that fish.’ Probably one of those. Who knows.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Cool. You’re at the bar. You all have beverages of choice.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna wave them back to a booth. “You guys got me in a good mood now. This is the first good fight I’ve had in a couple of weeks. For some reason no one on the station wants to fight me anymore.”

CAMERON: “That is so weird.”

AUSTIN: “It’s just lame. I gotta wait for off-worlders.”

NICK: We get a close-in shot of Val’s knuckles and they’re like ropey and covered in scars from having been split over and over and over again. ‘I can’t imagine why.’

CAMERON: Just a lot of calluses.

LAURA: “yes. I only had to somewhat cheat on that one.”

AUSTIN: “Wait.”

HUDSON: “Wait, what?”

AUSTIN: “Wait, what?!”

LAURA: “What?” (laughter) “Oh, don’t worry about it. You won, so… I just sped things up. It’s not like I really truly rigged the fight. I just helped it move along a little faster. If none of you noticed then it’s fine. Anyways…”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “We have a job for you, I guess, for Sentinel.”

AUSTIN: “Wait. You’re not here just for me to fix your ship and put a bunch of mods on to make it go really fast and make it explode?”

LAURA: “Oh, no.”

CAMERON: “I mean, you’re welcome to do that too—Not the explode part.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Up until that make it explode part I was on board.”

AUSTIN: “It’ll be a controlled explosion.”

CAMERON: “I’m still good.”

LAURA: “Can we get fireworks out the back? Like if we press a button fireworks come out the back of the ship?”

AUSTIN: “You know, I bet I could put something together for that. Yeah.”

LAURA: “Because that would seem very fun.”

AUSTIN: “That would be a real fun challenge.”

CAMERON: “Nope. No—“

LAURA: “Because what if it’s your birthday and you want to shoot off fireworks out the back of your ship?”

AUSTIN: “I mean, you could also shoot fireworks out of the guns.”

LAURA: “You can shoot fireworks out of anywhere. Do you have fireworks to sell? Like little ones?”

AUSTIN: “No…”

CAMERON: Karma just looks at Tink, and is like “What?!” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh, no little fireworks?”

AUSTIN: “I’ve got big fireworks. Little fireworks are just not fun enough because they don’t…”

LAURA: “I know, but if I have little fireworks…”

AUSTIN: “…you want to feel the explosion in your chest as you get thrown against the back wall.”

LAURA: “But if I have little fireworks I can shoot them off inside the ship and it would be fun…”

CAMERON: “Xianna, no.”

LAURA: “…and then we go shoot off big fireworks.”

AUSTIN: “But if you shoot off the big fireworks in the ship then the ship is the firework.”

CAMERON: “No.”

LAURA: “But you got to have little fireworks while you are setting up the big fireworks!”

AUSTIN: “But you could just do all big fireworks!”

LAURA: “But then what do you do while you are setting them up?”

AUSTIN: “You light off the other fireworks. And then you drink.”

LAURA: “I guess, okay. Okay. Yeah, I guess so. Makes sense. Anyways. Yeah, so we have a job. Do you know Sentinel? It sounded like you knew him when he told us.”

AUSTIN: “Nope. Never heard of him.”

LAURA: “Do you know a guy, an older man…”

AUSTIN: “There’s a lot of older men.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I know what you mean.”

AUSTIN: “I’m very popular.”

LAURA: Xianna winks and finger guns at her. “I bet you are.”

HUDSON: I’m like, oh I know why.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. So no one has approached you for a job?”

AUSTIN: “I do a lot of jobs. I’m a mechanic. I fix people’s ships and then make them not explode.”

LAURA: “It was like to join a crew or something.”

AUSTIN: “People always want me on their crew. I’m a mechanic.”

LAURA: “Did you get a mysterious holo vid of a man? It probably would have only been chest up.”

AUSTIN: “Oh, that guy.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I think maybe he has a blanket. He has like robes…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I told him to fuck off because he wasn’t paying me enough.”

LAURA: “What was he offering you?”

AUSTIN: “Credits.”

LAURA: “yes, but how many credits?”

AUSTIN: “I don’t need credits out here.”

LAURA: “Oh. What do you need?”

AUSTIN: “I just need parts.”

HUDSON: “Companionship?”

AUSTIN: “No.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Aw.

LAURA: “What kind of parts?”

AUSTIN: “Ship parts. Specifically the most rare and impossible to find ones, that I could possibly squeeze into a ship three sizes too small.”

NICK: Like the Grinch.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Well, I don’t know if I can personally help you with that one, unless you want drugs or a nice cross-stitch. I don’t know… We could always steal the ship parts for you.”

AUSTIN: “What kind of skills do you guys have? Because I may have a little bit of intel that, well, we can’t discuss in this bar, but if you guys actually know what you’re doing and this Sentinel guy is maybe a little bit trustworthy, because I guess he sent you here to recruit, I might have something I could have you do for me.”

CAMERON: Karma points at HK the assassin droid standing behind her. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna points at Tink and Karma. “These two, as you can see, they fight. Hank over there, he shoots things I think. He is an assassin droid. You know what they do. Tink is also good with the slicing.” Xianna just starts pulling out all the glasses she’s stolen over this thing out of her pockets and just starts setting them. “And as you can see I am sneaky.”

HUDSON: “Dirty thief.”

LAURA: “I am a dirty, sneaky thief and I steal the things. Yes. I mean, you didn’t even realize I was rigging the fight, so very sneaky.”

NICK: HK’s head rotates five degrees to the right. “Exclamation: Boss Man, will you be needing me to exterminate organics soon?”

HUDSON: “No, you’re fine, HK.”

NICK: “Sad Statement: It has been so long since I watched the light leave an organic’s eyes,” and then it goes back to standing quietly.

CAMERON: “We can maybe find you somebody, HK. I’ll be on the lookout for you, buddy.”

AUSTIN: “Does your droid buddy know how to fist fight?”

LAURA: “No. I think they just shoot, pew-pews.”

CAMERON: “HK, how’s your brawling?”

NICK: (chuckles)

CAMERON: “If one were to, I don’t know, put it in a level of rankings from one to five, approximately where would you say you are?”

NICK: You notice that on the droid’s back is this giant, tricked out super rifle. The droid holds up its hands and says, “Humorous Observation: I have baby hands.” (laughter) It has very spindly limbs and delicate looking hands and fingers, and it just goes back to standing there.”

LAURA: “Aw Hank. Hank…”

AUSTIN: “I have to actually try if I’m fighting people with guns, and then you guys get hurt.”

LAURA: “Hank, your hands look fine. They are not baby hands. They are just weird, creepy, old man hands.” Heh.

NICK: “Suspicious Statement: Thank you for your reassurance.” It just tucks its hands behind its back.

LAURA: “Okay. Do we have to go somewhere more quiet?”

AUSTIN: “What kind of past experience do you guys have? This is not gonna be one of your run of the mill missions. Last time I tried to run one of these with a crew that I didn’t know I ended up hiring the Red Radical Rodians, and they were just ridiculous.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Oh, yes…

AUSTIN: “They went out trying to pick up a piece of salvage and they came back with half of a laser blaster and had the audacity to demand payment. So I paid them with fists, and then we had a good deal and we went our separate ways.”

CAMERON: Karma just pulls up her bounty hunter profile and slides the data pad across the table.

NICK: It’s extremely impressive.

AUSTIN: “Hmm?” I’m scrolling through the list. “Hmm. Hmm! Oh, nice!”

NICK: There’s a whole section that just says Redacted for like four years.

(laughter)

LAURA: “We blew up a star destroyer the other week, I think. Yeah, that was us.”

AUSTIN: “Well that sounds like quite the feat.”

CAMERON: Was that like two weeks ago?

LAURA: “I’ve stolen many things. Technically I am dead, so… I am not wanted anymore. So bonus.”

HUDSON: Can I do a Computers check to hack her phone remotely while we’re standing there?

NICK: Uhh…

CAMERON: Are you both on the bar’s Wi-Fi?

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah? We’ll say that.

AUSTIN: You could put it on the banner on the wall, like the digital banner scrolling past.

NICK: The thing that’s hard is it’s 70s technology, except when it isn’t, and it gets a little touchy. Because we have a slicer extraordinaire I like to kind of default to more Shadow Run style hacking. So yeah, slice away.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Would your personal com have encryption on it? You’re more of a mechanic type though.

AUSTIN: Well, yes, because I worked very closely with an electronics person in the past and she would have set it up.

NICK: Okay. So someone else did a pretty solid job, so difficulty would be hard.

AUSTIN: Yeah, but I don’t know really that much about it.

NICK: With a black die because it’s wireless.

HUDSON: I have Bypass Security. I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable security devices or open a locked door.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: And you have an outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: Which is two blue dice.

AUSTIN: Do you have to stab that into the thing or can you just wave it in the air?

NICK: We’ll say it’s wireless.

LAURA: He could use it from his end. Yeah.

AUSTIN: He stabbed it into his data pad.

NICK: It’s too many dice!

(laughter)

HUDSON: It’s too many dice! Okay.

LAURA: Oh god. Remember when we played Seventh Sea?

(laughter)

NICK: So many d10s.

HUDSON: Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Alright, you’re in. What are you trying to do?

HUDSON: I want to replace whatever the home screen is with a dancing droid and really annoying music that they cannot turn off unless they restart their phone.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You do that.

HUDSON: “Why don’t you uh, check your, check your phone there.”

NICK: Com.

HUDSON: Oh, yeah.

LAURA: I imagine you just hear wherever her com is—

CAMERON: The com just starts playing music.

LAURA: Yeah. Her com just starts playing music wherever it is on the outfit.

AUSTIN: I take it out and look at it, and then look at Tink…

HUDSON: I nod up and down.

AUSTIN: …and then look at Karma.

CAMERON: Karma points at Tink. (laughs)

AUSTIN: I look back at Tink. (laughs)

LAURA: Everyone points at Tink.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I’m good.”

CAMERON: HK points at Tink.

NICK: With his now canonically small hands.

CAMERON: Yup. He does finger guns and says ‘Boss Man~!’

NICK: Oh wait. Wait, I got this… “Diagnosis: Boss Man has leet hacker skills. Explanation: He told me to say that.”

HUDSON: “So uh, yeah, I can slice around a bit.”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, that’s pretty good. Alright. I think we can take this back to the garage then. It’s gonna be a really long walk. You know, this is a real maze of a station and it takes a lot of seniority to get good spots next to the bar.” I lead them out and we go across the hallway and then into the garage.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. I’m assuming your garage entrance is like a big vehicle blast door situation.

AUSTIN: And there’s a little door on the side.

NICK: I think what we do is the little door opens and the crew walks in. is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: The lights are off.

NICK: Oh. And the lights are off.

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: You turn the lights on, and is it impressive looking?

AUSTIN: Not really. There’s a lot of piles of random stuff. There’s walking pathways everywhere, and you can tell there’s a little bit of organization, but as far as what pile stuff is in and not within the pile.

NICK: Okay, so… You walk in, the lights are off, we get the whole crew in the dark. Val flips the switch and the lights all turn on, and we get just the shot of the crew with the door behind them, and everybody looks vaguely confused… (leading)

(obviously and humorously edited to pretend it wasn’t coordinated)

HUDSON: “What the heck?”

LAURA: “What the heck?”

CAMERON: “What the heck?”

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode. Da-naaa~!

OTHERS: Da-naaa~!

LAURA: …oh, oh~

OTHERS: For the longest time~!

HUDSON: For the long—

(laughter)

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes on our website and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download:  Episode 28 I, MurderBot

PDF download: Episode 28 I, MurderBot

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 28:
I, MurderBot

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

One big announcement this week, everybody. I am pleased to tell you all that when this episode goes live so will our Patreon! For anyone who doesn’t know, Patreon is a website that allows you to pledge monthly support to your favorite creators and help them keep the lights on for their show. You also get access to cool extra content. Various levels of support allow you access to secret Discord channels, you can get thanked on air, and even get you access to Patreon exclusive bonus episodes and bloopers. If you like our show and what we do, please consider chipping in and helping us cover hosting fees and the like. We’d really appreciate it. The Patreon can be found at patreon.com/tabletopsquadron, and there’s a link in the show notes, on all our social media, and the website. We’d love for you to check it out.

Our first Patreon landmark will be at $69. Nice. If we get to $69 a month the whole squad will have a pizza party and we will stream it so everyone can watch us be silly and excited. You know you want to see that.

With that out of the way, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 28. I’m your host, Nick, and if you’re sitting here with us you may see that Laura is actively mocking me while I do the introduction.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (smiling) I wasn’t mocking you. Based on an earlier conversation we had right before recording, in my head I heard it as ‘hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, an advice show for the modern era.’ (laughter) So I was mouthing that to Hudson.

NICK: That’s a much better tagline. Anyway. We’re gonna go around the table, everybody introduce yourself and the character you’re gonna play today. We’ll start with the voice you were just hearing, Laura!

LAURA: Yes, I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Awesome. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh. Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I play Karma, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Oh boy. So, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll.

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

NICK: We are getting very similar results to last episode.

CAMERON: I need a new die.

NICK: Yeah, you should retire your Force die.

CAMERON: This one’s dead to me now. You two are my new friends.

NICK: Last episode we got some housekeeping done: you turned in some bounties, you picked up your weapons, you got laid…

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: …you bought popsicles, you convinced a bounty hunter he was inept and to probably quit the business forever, partially using social media as a prop which was an interesting move.

CAMERON: (giggles)

HUDSON: We had an existential crisis.

NICK: A mild existential crisis wherein the discussion of the afterlife occurred, and that was good too. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Drinks were imbibed.

HUDSON: Drugs were bought.

LAURA: Yeah, drugs were bought.

CAMERON: Jewelry was sold.

NICK: I mean honestly at this point you can assume drugs were bought unless otherwise stated.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Flowchart. Were drugs available? Yes: Buy drugs; No: Find drugs.

LAURA: I mean, it’s in the content warnings.

NICK: That’s fair.

LAURA: I just have the same set that it always is, for the most part, and it’s sexual references/encounters, drug and alcohol, violence and/or death.

NICK: References may be upgraded to content for that last episode.

LAURA: It’s like sexual references/situations or encounters.

NICK: Hmm. Anyway. Star Wars. That’s what happened last time. You are on the ship. You have headed into orbit. Where are you going? What are you doing?

CAMERON: I guess we’re headed back to Sentinel again. Click those coordinates and say go, go, go!

NICK: And off you go! You have a few hours to yourself, because we’ve established it’s a few hours away. How do you intend to spend the time?

LAURA: Xianna’s still in the robe with her cup of caf. “Okay, so next time the sock means I have a guest over. Also, next time, please do not scare my guests away. I do actually want to see that particular person again.”

HUDSON: “How did I scare them away?”

LAURA: “Because she got into some weird shoot-out with bounty hunters. I don’t know.”

CAMERON: “That was a weird scenario. That’s never happened before.”

LAURA: “Bounty hunters tend to scare away people I, uh, have over.”

CAMERON: “Well, you’re good in the future. She’s one of my contacts.”

LAURA: “yes, but she is not, how you say… She does not have a legal profession. So again, bounty hunters, more than one that she does not know, probably going to scare her away.”

CAMERON: “Fair.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “We should probably also keep those other bounty hunters from seeing you, as you’re dead.”

LAURA: “Well, I’m dead, it does not matter.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but…”

LAURA: “I’m dead! It’s fine. It is fine.”

CAMERON: “Jorus at least knows you’re not, although he doesn’t know that you are supposed to be dead, because I don’t think he has the name for your profile. He just has the crimes.”

LAURA: Does he? Wait. Was that before or after?

CAMERON: That was after you died.

LAURA: “Okay. Yes. Well, eh, I don’t think that will ever be our problem again.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I’m sure it will never come up.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Hopefully never see him, ever. So, what are we doing?”

CAMERON: “Oh. I told the ship to go back to Sentinel.”

HUDSON: “I’m about to take a dip in the hot tub.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay. Hot tub time. I mean, in general, I was kind of asking what we did. Did we pick up a droid? That was a thing we did.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Yeah!” Karma walks out of the room and goes to the costume closet, pushes the capes aside, and hey, look, there’s an assassin droid.

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: Xianna’s in the doorway just sipping her caf. “Tink, turn it on.”

CAMERON: “Not in the closet. Hold on.”

NICK: Tink is already in the hot tub with his arms out.

HUDSON: “(reluctant sigh) Well…”

CAMERON: “We’ll bring it to you, Tink. Hold on.”

HUDSON: “Alright. If you bring it to me, I’ll handle it.”

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the droid in the fireman’s carry.

LAURA: “You should get out of the hot tub first.”

CAMERON: She carries it over, sets it down on one of the couches next to the hot tub, crosses its leg, leans an arm back across the chair so it looks like it’s just chilling.

HUDSON: “So, the thing about being wet and handling electronics…”

LAURA: “That’s why I told you to get out of the hot tub!”

HUDSON: “IS! I didn’t finish. –is that it actually prevents static electricity which is dangerous for electronics.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Is it? I don’t have too much knowledge about electronics other than stealing and selling them, and I still feel like I know that is wrong.”

HUDSON: “I mean, it’s an accurate statement, and the technology… Most things are water-proof now, just believe me.”

LAURA: “Okay, if you say so.”

HUDSON: “Alright. Let me get out of this thing.”

NICK: Tink gets out of the hot tub just streaming water. Do you dry off or do you just go?

HUDSON: Yeah, I dry off and I put on a robe that’s matching Xianna’s robe.

LAURA: Oh my goodness. Can we have one of those little dog hair dryer things where it’s a box and you go in and then it just shoots tons of hot air in around it? Have you guys ever seen one of those?

CAMERON: Yes!

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: I worked at an animal boarding facility and the dogs hate it, but it was faster than pointing a hair dryer at them. You put a fun little cap around their heads to protect their ears and makes it less loud. I just love the image of Tink going into a little standing shower box, closing the door, pressing a button, and then just hair flying everywhere for like five, ten seconds.

CAMERON: And then he comes out looking like a giant poofy…

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: That falls down very quickly.

LAURA: Let us have this~

NICK: As much as I would like to say no, I would say this is a super luxury ship, so I think it’s about the size of a phone booth, a very tall phone booth, and it sinks into the floor. One of the buttons on the panel, you hit it and the phone booth comes up out of the floor and you can step into it and it will do those things. Tink doesn’t wear the ‘make it not so loud’ headset though.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can handle it. Can I have matching robes to Xianna?

NICK: Oh, absolutely. We already established you stole a bunch of goodie bags from that ball. It is too small for you. It rides up pretty high.

HUDSON: Eh…

LAURA: I mean, you don’t really wear clothes, so it doesn’t matter, but…

HUDSON: Silk is comfortable.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna duck out of the room and go and grab the medical kit, and then come back and start blotting all of the blood from the wounds that have just been chilling from however I got injured when we were on the Mon Cal ship.

NICK: It’s mostly clotted up, but it could probably use some.

CAMERON: You know, wiping down the armor too around it, and bandages and whatnot, and bacta.

NICK: Medical care.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Sounds good. We have a medical kit now.

CAMERON: yes, we do!

NICK: Nice.

HUDSON: Alright~

NICK: So, you are booting up the droid.

HUDSON: Yes. How many restraining bolts are on it?

NICK: I think you put two. Two or three.

CAMERON: I think there were two.

HUDSON: Two or three.

NICK: Yeah, so it’s got two restraining bolts on it. Its central processor is also neatly cored out. It doesn’t have one right now. For anybody who does not remember, this is a rust red colored droid with kind of a bug skull shaped face and two antennas sticking off the back, and it’s half armored knight and half skeleton looking, body-wise.

HUDSON: Hmm. I boot him up.

NICK: Okay. it doesn’t have a brain right now. You’re gonna have to fix that somehow.

HUDSON: What does it do when it boots up then?

NICK: When you turn the power on the eyes start to light up and glow yellow, and then you hear a low humming noise, and it just sits there.

HUDSON: “I forgot the CPU…”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Tink, we have a whole computer section. I don’t know if we have any extras.”

HUDSON: “Oh, we definitely do. Hold on—“ And I get this—

LAURA: “Just go get one.”

HUDSON: (disoriented mumbled gibberish)

LAURA: “That is not what I sound like.”

HUDSON: “(mockingly) That is not what I sound like.”

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘Tink… You are on thin ice!”

HUDSON: (smiling) Alright. I go and I get—

CAMERON: “Sin ice or thin ice?”

LAURA: “Thin!”

HUDSON: ‘Tyin!’ Okay. (laughter) I go and I get a CPU that would fit the robot.

NICK: Okay. If you look in the computer room and stuff… This droid is pretty old. It’s from early Clone Wars era, so it’s… Oh, I’ve done this math so many times. Like 45 years old, probably 50?

LAURA: We’re like…

CAMERON: No…

LAURA: We’re only a few months BBY. Clone Wars would have ended 18 years ago? And again, we found out that the Clone Wars did not last as long as we all thought it did.

NICK: Yeah. It was very short.

LAURA: It was all technically like three years or something.

NICK: So it’s like 20-ish years old, but the technology is very strange. It doesn’t fit any of the standard processing stuff that you would normally use. If it did, and you just slotted a computer server into it, it would be blank. It would need a bunch of programming. You remember from earlier that if you had some sort of AI system or something like that you could plug into it, or another droid brain, it would work better.

HUDSON: I don’t have one laying around, is what you’re saying?

NICK: You have the Rancore Protocol.

HUDSON: That fits?

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: Do it!

HUDSON: I don’t think I want to do that.

LAURA: Hudson! Do it!

HUDSON: Alright.

CAMERON: Karma swivels her carbine around. I don’t know… You don’t really cock blasters, but…

(laughter)

LAURA: Cock blasters!

CAMERON: Wow. Okay. (face in hands) God, no…

LAURA: That’s the name of our new restaurant, and it’s chicken wings, and…

HUDSON: Hot dogs.

LAURA: No, we have to find something for blasters.

NICK: A drink. It’s like a type of…

HUDSON: A nitrogen.

CAMERON: It’s a shots bar.

HUDSON: Nitrous, yeah.

LAURA: It’s all chicken drinks, or—

CAMERON: Chicken drinks! (laughs) ew.

LAURA: No. It’s chicken wings and drinks. We have invented a new Hooters.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: We’ll say that it’s any gender can work at a Cock Blasters, not just women.

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: The guy uniforms are, uh, pretty great. Anyway.

LAURA: Well, there’s a whole range of uniforms, like for all different types of species and genders, and just like, what you want there’s a uniform for it. They’re all way too revealing and demeaning, but… inclusive.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: And you get to choose which one you want.

LAURA: Yeah. You do get to choose. You don’t have to wear the weird, orange, tight legging things though.

NICK: So that is part of canon, and it will never come up again.

LAURA: Correct.

CAMERON: (laughing) Oh no. it’s now a tweet on Twitter.

NICK: (smiling) Okay, so.

CAMERON: Anyway. You hear the (click, click) nose from the blaster.

NICK: Prime? Priming your blaster?

CAMERON: Sure, we’ll use that word instead.

NICK: Which still sounds kind of dirty now that we’re in that mindset.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: A little bit, but anyway, you just hear the noise. “I’ll shoot it if it does anything scary. It’s gun is still in the closet.”

HUDSON: “Oh, it is? Fine. The risk are there but the risk are just gonna be risk. Alright.” I go over and I blow on the Rancore Protocol like an old cartridge for a video game, and then I look and just kind of squint to make sure I know where in the droid to put the Rancore Protocol, and then I just shove it in there.

NICK: Heh. It doesn’t fit exactly, but it’s close. It’s like if you have a computer charger that’s a few amps off, where the plug mostly fits in there. Hopefully no one else has experienced the anxiety of ‘I think this is supposed to go here.’ It makes contact and there’s some sparking. Did you turn the droid back off before you stuck this thing in?

HUDSON: Nope.

NICK: Oh god. So, there’s a lot of arching and sparks and the limbs start to flail wildly. The torso is perfectly still, the head is jerking left and right, and then both arms and legs are just flailing like Wacky Wavy Arm Inflatable Tube Man for a couple of seconds.

LAURA: Xianna’s standing there, drinking her caf, and calmly goes “Tink, I think you did it wrong.”

HUDSON: I push the off button.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma takes a step closer to the droid.

NICK: It collapses. It slumps sideways in the couch.

HUDSON: I turn it back on.

CAMERON: Yeah. Can you do a reboot? (laughs)

HUDSON: Windows 95 logo.

NICK: It sits back up. The eyes turn on. You can see the joints articulating a little bit as it gets settled. It does the really weird thing where it sits up but only by shifting. It doesn’t push off with its arms or anything. Then it says, “Introduction: I am HK-67. How can I help you?”

HUDSON: “Uh… Are you dangerous?”

CAMERON: (giggling) 69 would have been better.

NICK: No! We already made DK6969.

CAMERON: I know. I know.

NICK: Also, they almost all end in 7, except for the HK70s?

CAMERON: No, it’s a 77, I think, one of them anyway.

NICK: yeah. They all end in 7. Those are bad because they don’t have hands. They just have blaster cannons for arms. I found this out.

HUDSON: “Alright. Uh… So, how dangerous are you right now?”

NICK: “Question: How dangerous do you need me to be?”

CAMERON: “At the moment, not.”

NICK: “Supposition: Would you be the one making the commands at this point?” And he looks at Karma.

CAMERON: (hesitantly) “Yes.”

HUDSON: “And me.”

LAURA: ‘Sometimes me. Just sometimes though. Heh.”

HUDSON: “Oh no…”

NICK: “Logistics: Primary users registered. Secondary users on randomizer, also registered.”

HUDSON: “When you say sometimes, only some of the time your stuff works.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “What? I don’t understand what you are saying, Tink.”

NICK: “Explanation: I’ll listen to you sometimes, only some of the time.”

LAURA: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “I guess that works. What is your primary objective?”

NICK: “Joking: I was going to ask you that.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: “Explanation: I am an assassin droid. I am highly qualified at combat and murdering organics. However, my central memory has been erased and I will be needing guidance. What is our current objective?”

LAURA: “Oh boy, we do not really know. So, let’s see… One, I would like to call Nolaa again, go on a second date with her. I mean, I guess you could call that a second date? I guess we didn’t really interact the first few times we met.”

HUDSON: “I think that’s called a romp.”

LAURA: “We had drinks first!”

HUDSON: “yeah…”

LAURA: “So I would say a date.”

NICK: “Patiently: Objective Log: Date with Nolaa.”

LAURA: “yes. Thank you. Selling all the stolen goods that I have. Using drugs, buying drugs, buying more binders. I only have one set of regular anymore. I have to go find the ones that are fuzzy. I don’t know where they are at the moment. Then I think we are doing something with you? I don’t know. Maybe someone else should start talking instead of me.”

NICK: The droid looks between the three of you. “Earnestly: I stopped listening.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “It’s okay. You only promised to listen to her some of the time.”

LAURA: “That is why I did say that. Heh.”

NICK: “System Notice: Adjusting listen proportion down.”

CAMERON: Heh. “What is your designation?”

NICK: “Explanation: I am HK-67.”

CAMERON: “67, okay. Are you okay with us calling you HK? Or 67?”

LAURA: “Or hank? Or Sexy? Or, um…”

CAMERON: “Do you have a name you would prefer to be called by or referred to as?”

NICK: The eyes flicker a little bit. Before it had been sitting stock still. The droid kind of slouches in the couch a little bit and suddenly looks much more, I don’t know, organic.

CAMERON: I was wondering when that was going to kick in.

LAURA: Xianna’s just listing names off. “Cynsia! Alax! Timosay!”

HUDSON: “Udson.”

LAURA: “Udson! Neek! Camarone! Lura!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The droid is sitting there kind of leaned over and puts an elbow on a knee. “Explanation: I do not have any predilection towards any designation at this time. Call me what you want. Just tell me which organics need eliminating.”

LAURA: “Okay. I’m going to call you Hank.”

HUDSON: “I’ll go with HK.”

CAMERON: “HK.”

NICK: “Statement: Wonderful. Where to now?”

LAURA: “The space rock place in the middle of nowhere. I don’t know. I think Karma has the coordinates.”

CAMERON: “Let me give you some more background. HK, you have been activated to serve as part of an elite team—“

NICK: “Question:”

CAMERON: “yes?”

NICK: “Where is this elite team?”

LAURA: “Are we an elite team? Is that us?”

CAMERON: “That is us. Yes, that’s us.”

LAURA: “Tink! Tink! We are an elite team!”

HUDSON: “I am leet.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Can we get matching jackets? You all have to get jackets that look like mine, because I am not getting a new one.”

HUDSON: “That’s a robe.”

CAMERON: Karma points to y’all’s robes. “Y’all have matching jackets.”

LAURA: “No, these are not jackets, these are robes. There’s nothing underneath this.”

CAMERON: “It looks like a jacket on Tink.”

HUDSON: “it’s just a little tight.”

CAMERON: “You look awesome.”

LAURA: “I can’t wear this out and about. I mean, I could, but I am not going to wear this out and about.”

CAMERON: “yes! Elite team!”

NICK: “Data Change: Changing definition of elite.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: That’s rude. (laughs) Anyway. “We are the Alpha Team.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

CAMERON: “We have been brought together to complete some big, intergalactic objective.”

HUDSON: “Quest.”

CAMERON: “Quest? Yes. That works. We’re not really sure what the details of that are yet.”

HUDSON: “Secondary objective, please log this, you both bake and deliver snickerdoodle cookies to us on demand.”

LAURA: “(gasps) Ooh! Are there cookies?”

HUDSON: “Well, let’s wait for him to load.”

NICK & CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Clarification: To achieve objective, I will need my weapon.” It starts to look around for its blaster rifle.

LAURA: “If we give you your gun back, you are not going to shoot us, are you?”

NICK: “Statement: My programming prevents the elimination of primary users.”

LAURA: “Oh, and we are all three primary users. Correct?”

CAMERON: “Uh, Xianna, you set yourself up as a secondary.” (laughs)

NICK: “Statement: You seem to think you’re a primary user.”

LAURA: “Okay. Can we also have it set to not eliminate secondary users? Please? Wait, is Tink a primary or secondary user?”

HUDSON: “Heh. I’m primary, man.”

NICK: “Elimination of secondary users is a low probability.”

LAURA: “Okay. Good enough. It’s in the closet. I’m not going to get it.”

NICK: The droid gets up. As it stands it seems very herky-jerky, but then as it walks across the room it moves very smoothly and quickly. It picks up the rifle, plugs its hand into it, you hear a charging sound and it says “Objective Report: Proceeding to bake and deliver snickerdoodle cookies.” It starts to walk down the hall towards the mess.

HUDSON: “Uh question! Question. Why do you need your weapon to create snickerdoodle cookies?”

NICK: It gets to the door of the mess and does a snap 90 degree turn into the kitchenette. “Preparing suppressing fire.” The barrels start to rotate on the gun. You hear (power-up whoosh).

CAMERON: “Halt! Halt fire. Hold fire.”

NICK: ‘Order acknowledged,” and it powers down the gun.

CAMERON: “I would like to put in an objective that can be overridden by a primary user at a future time.”

NICK: Oh man. Making a robot with two computer scientists at the table is…

CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: This would be like if our quest was about contract law and we were all lawyers. (groans)

CAMERON: Yup. “That objective is do not fire gun on the ship, this ship specifically. This can be overridden at a future date by a primary user.”

NICK: “Disappointed: Order acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.”

HUDSON: “Thank you, HK.”

NICK: “You’re… welcome.” It looks confused.

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘I’m developing… f-f-feelings.’

NICK: ‘Negative.’

LAURA: Xianna just walks away. “Okay. I’m going to go shower and sleep and stuff. Wake me up when we get there.”

CAMERON: Okay. Karma follows HK who I guess is now making cookies?

NICK: No. He was going to shoot up the kitchenette. That is so far outside of his skillset.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna make cookies.

NICK: Oh, okay. HK stands – it’s a droid so it’s not that creepy – and stares unblinkingly as you make cookies like it is recording.

CAMERON: Karma is just asking questions about basically HK’s specs. “You said you are an assassin droid. What is your primary skillset?”

NICK: “Extrapolation: Primary skillset is elimination of organics from range, or close range, or far range, or with explosives, or with booby-traps, or poison, or…” and this just goes on for quite a while.

CAMERON: Karma is just mixing together cookie dough and stuff.

NICK: “…or clever ruse.” And that’s where the list ends. (laughs)

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: “What are the capabilities of your gun?”

NICK: “Statement: The monocide assassin sniper rifle is good at extreme range or medium range for suppressing fire.” You can see it’s got rotating barrels and junk.

CAMERON: “Tink, do you have any questions?!”

HUDSON: “What is your operating system, HK?”

NICK: “Fourth Wall Break: I run on Windows Vista.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: (simultaneously) Nooo…

(laughter)

CAMERON: It’s Windows Vista Home Office.

HUDSON: Yuck.

LAURA: It runs on Jelly Donut. Is that one? I don’t know. The Android ones are all food, so I figured Jelly Donut was probably one.

HUDSON: There’s Kit-Kat.

NICK: Isn’t edible panties one?

HUDSON: Nope. (snickers)

LAURA: Should be. That’s what I would name all of mine.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Oh. Do you need to set names for us? Would that be beneficial to distinguish who you are speaking to?”

NICK: “Disparagingly: You all referred to each other by name. These were logged automatically. Do you prefer different names?”

CAMERON: (chuckles)

HUDSON: “I prefer secondary names.”

NICK: “Acknowledged. Please recite secondary names.”

HUDSON: “Boss man.”

NICK: “Boss man acknowledged.”

HUDSON: “Ah, that’s it.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Okay…

HUDSON: ‘I’m the Boss Man~` (scats)

NICK: That’s definitely Scat Man.

HUDSON: Yup.

CAMERON: “HK, please recite the names you have logged for the current users.”

NICK: “Listing: Primary User, Tink AKA Boss Man. Primary User: Karma. Secondary User [questionable, percentage fluctuating], Xianna.”

CAMERON: Oh. I thought you were gonna call her Questionable Percentage Fluctuating. (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) I thought those were names.

NICK: No. (laughs) Those were her user credentials.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Got it. Ding! … That was the oven. The cookies are ready.

NICK: Oh, the cookies are ready. We get a tableau of everybody at the dining room table with… There’s gotta be a Star Wars pun for snickerdoodle, right?

LAURA: Snackerdoodle! I don’t know. I have nothing here.

CAMERON: I think they’re just snickerdoodles. Spacerdoodles! (giggles)

HUDSON: Spacerdoodles, I actually want that.

NICK: Spacerdoodle cookies.

(laughter)

LAURA: I mean, the Star Wars holiday special just had Wookie cookies.

NICK: But that sounds sexual.

LAURA: There was the Wookie porn chair. I think that whole thing was some sort of giant sexual cocaine fueled metaphor.

NICK: Okay! yeah, spacerdoodle cookies. Everybody’s chomping down. We have a peaceful and idyllic family setting, and then also a murder robot standing nearby staring unflinchingly at the scene. Was there anything else anyone wanted to do on the ship before we move on?

LAURA: At some point you do hear Xianna yell out, “I found the fuzzy handcuffs!”

HUDSON: Oh, I have something I want to do.

NICK: ‘How did zey get on ze roof?!’

LAURA: “They were on the disco ball. (laughs) I don’t remember that one.”

HUDSON: I want to polish my, uh… polish my axe…

(laughter)

CAMERON: You paused way too long. I was like, oh no, what is he gonna say?

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Go ahead.

HUDSON: (relieved sigh) Okay…

NICK: (laughs) Stop!

LAURA: You do that in the privacy of your own room.

HUDSON: Yes I do. I don’t do it while I’m eating cookies.

CAMERON: The only thing that Karma was doing is she had purchased a couple of droid repair kits and she’s just gonna add them to her bag now that we have a droid.

NICK: Sounds good. Do you all want to maybe administer some health care for those of you that were injured in your boarding action?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I did that.

NICK: You did that to you.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: “Could you help me out?”

CAMERON: “Sure.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I think I got shot at some point.”

NICK: (laughs)

HUDSON: “This wound is, let me just say, festering.”

LAURA: “I forgot. Heh.”

CAMERON: I feel like we did Something to it, like on our flight back to Engebo 5. We put some bandages on, but we need to swap out bandages now for fresh ones.

NICK: Cool. You have enough bacta and stuff on the ship. You don’t have to do a medicine check. They weren’t critical or anything. We do get a shot of Tink sitting on the table while karma patches him up and Tink insisting that she read from Becoming Medicine as she’s working on it.

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: ‘No, you have to look, 32 is abrasions. Or is that piercings? Huh…’

CAMERON: “Okay, so Page 32 though says that you’re supposed to lick the abrasions, and I don’t think that’s gonna help, Tink.”

HUDSON: “You know, I think you should just put more trust into the book.”

CAMERON: “Mmm…”

LAURA: “Tink, I do not think that book is any good.”

HUDSON: “You shut your mouth.”

LAURA: “No.”

HUDSON: “Ugh. Okay, well—“

NICK: “Statement: Listen to Boss Man. Shut your mouth.”

LAURA: “No.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

HUDSON: “Thanks for sticking up for me, HK.”

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank.”

NICK: Anyway.

(laughter)

HUDSON: No response.

NICK: I do like the idea of there being times when he does not finish the social sentences. It’s like ‘thank you…’ just staring.

CAMERON: Just nothing. Karma hands Tink another cookie and continues actually cleaning his wound and stuff.

HUDSON: (eating noise)

NICK: Cool. We get to Sentinel’s secret asteroid base. We get the very abbreviated montage of ship pulls in, base is dark, ship lands, lights come up, people walk down, there’s the fast forward sound effects, the lights turn on as they get close and turn off as they go away. The protocol droid that is Sentinel’s assistant waddles up to you and Xianna just puts her hand in his face and keeps going past it. The three of you burst into the presentation room. Sentinel is sitting in his chair facing a view screen that shows a battle map of the galaxy. As you come in he turns around. “Well, hello.”

LAURA: “Ello.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”

LAURA: “We got the droid.”

CAMERON: “Good evening.”

NICK: “Wonderful. It looks like you had a pleasant vacation.”

CAMERON: (snickers)

HUDSON: “Uh…”

LAURA: “I mean, yes.”

HUDSON: “I mean, she did.”

LAURA: “I did.”

NICK: “You were going to report back about four days ago, and then we lost total contact.”

CAMERON: “yes. See, some repairs that had been done to our ship… No. So, we were forced to land again on Engebo 5 and get some repairs professionally done.”

LAURA: “We stayed at a lovely B&B, yes. It was very nice.”

CAMERON: “Then Tink got kidnapped, so we had to rescue him, and yeah. It’s…”

LAURA: “I had a date.”

CAMERON: “it was a very adventurous time.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “She had a romp.”

LAURA: “I am calling it a date. I knew her name.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: Whoa.

LAURA: “Therefore, date.”

NICK: You can see Sentinel’s facial expression is half torn between wanting to find out more about the last few days and also not wanting to know about the last few days. He settles on, “Oh. I see you got that droid up and running.”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

LAURA: “That was like the first thing I said, but okay.”

NICK: “So, when you procured it, it was functional then?”

OTHERS: “No.”

NICK: “Oh.”

HUDSON: “I fixed that thing up.”

LAURA: “yeah. Tink put the Rancore Protocol thing inside of it.”

HUDSON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “It seems fine. I call him hank. Heh.”

NICK: he blanches a little bit. “Well, it seems to have worked.”

From behind you in the shadows there’s the two glowing eyes of HK-67 and he says, “Statement: It appears to have worked.”

HUDSON: (laughs) “Yeah, we just said that, HK. Ugh.”

CAMERON: We probably gave him orders before we got off the ship that were like don’t shoot people you see, big silent scary mode, go.

NICK: So, I think it’s worth acknowledging… “Statement: Primary objective is not indiscriminant murder but rather surgical strikes against acknowledged foes.”

CAMERON: “I was just prepping you saying this is not a foe.”

LAURA: It’s not like we got a BT-000 thing going on here.

NICK: Most of the time.

CAMERON: I just wanted to be super clear.

NICK: That’s fine. You don’t have to worry about bringing him to a daycare and he’s gonna burn it down.

CAMERON: No, that would be Anakin.

NICK: Aw… Unless it’s an evil daycare.

CAMERON: (laughing) Unless the children are our foes.

NICK: Or if you tell him—yeah. Anyway. Sentinel says, “So, I have your next objective if you are curious about that.”

CAMERON: “yes. Please do go on.”

HUDSON: “Wait. Weren’t we supposed to get paid? Is that happening?”

CAMERON: Karma just points behind her to HK.

HUDSON: “Ohh… Neat. Alright. Yeah, next objective. Let’s get it.”

CAMERON: We have acquired a droid!

NICK: Ooh. He waves his hand and the hologram projector pops on. It looks like an org chart from a corporate setting. It’s him at the top, the top of his head is cut off a little bit, and then off to the side it’s his protocol droid, and then there’s two branches down and there’s one labeled Alpha Team, and that’s the three of you and HK. The HK one is just a blank silhouette because he doesn’t have a picture of him to put in. Xianna’s picture is definitely a mugshot, Karma’s is definitely from her HuntersOnly.com profile, and Tink, where would your profile picture be from? Where was somewhere he could pull it from the holonet?

HUDSON: Well, it’s not a picture of me, it’s my avatar from the forums.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: It’s a neon green smiley face with a red check mark above it, and it’s like something that only the people who really know me understand.

LAURA: It would either be that or a school photo of when you were in a galactic school.

HUDSON: Yeah, like the last time there was a public photo of me.

LAURA: So you’re shorter and you’ve got a little uniform on, and it’s got a logo. (laughs)

NICK: I think it has everyone’s names, but your name is your avatar picture. At some point he assumed that you were like the artist formerly known as Tink, and then it’s your awkward school picture. Your hair is parted. It looks interesting.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Next to that it says Beta Squad and it’s all grayed out. “We need to finish assembling the Beta team. There’s only two left from the original group, and you will need them for support when we launch our assault. I’ve made contact with someone who will be able to fill the very specific engineering role that we’ll need. Her name is Valerissa, and she is a science officer for a ship building corp deep in the Outer Rim bordering wild space.” He holds up a data stick and waves it around. Does anybody want the data stick?

LAURA: Xianna does raise her hand.

NICK: “Yes, Xianna?”

LAURA: “Assault on what?”

CAMERON: Karma just holds her hand out and takes the data stick while the question is happening.

NICK: “I really thought I explained this. Did I not?”

LAURA: “You might have! Um…”

NICK: “I’m like 80% sure that I’ve explained this.”

CAMERON: “Let’s just pretend we all have memory issues.”

LAURA: “You might have. I don’t really know.”

NICK: “Our primary objective is in coordination with a different Rebel force, we are going to be taking down a shipyard. We need to make a lot of star destroyers think that the place that you are is very important, and then stay there for a while.”

CAMERON: Okay. This is sounding familiar, but I don’t know if it’s only sounding familiar to my player or actually to me.

NICK: How much of this do we want to admit?

(laughter)

LAURA: That’s the fun thing about playing Xianna. if I forget I can be like well, character.

HUDSON: Welp, I’m on glitterstim again.

NICK: “So, pretty sure I’ve told you all you’re doing an assault on a shipyard, but it’s a two team job. It’s a big shipyard.”

LAURA: “Okay. Again, you might have. Did you read my profile? I see you have one of my photos.”

NICK: “Bits and pieces, the parts that are public knowledge.”

LAURA: “I don’t know which photo.”

NICK: “This one’s from Canto Bight. It says you got caught counting cards?”

LAURA: “Oh. I don’t remember that one.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, I didn’t think you mathed.”

LAURA: “have I actually been arrested seven times? I don’t math! I don’t. Whoa… What was I on? Was that in there the last time we pulled me up? I don’t remember that one.”

CAMERON: “I don’t think so.”

HUDSON: “No, it wasn’t.”

CAMERON: “I don’t remember seeing that.”

LAURA: “I don’t… Counting cards?”

CAMERON: “It may just be that they didn’t sync their database with the main one, though, so maybe it’s just a localized arrest.”

LAURA: “(gasps) Glitterstim! That would make sense. Yes. Okay.”

HUDSON: “Ah.”

CAMERON: Karma looks… just disapproving mom face, that everyone can picture.

HUDSON: I have a disapproving dad face.

NICK: So yeah. He thinks for a second. “Where the heck was I…?”

CAMERON: “Beta team. Valerissa. Gotta go get her. Engineering Officer?”

NICK: “Valerissa Creed, Engineering Officer, gave you the data stick…”

CAMERON: “Data stick.”

NICK: “(snaps) Ah! The coordinates are included there. You probably will need those. I’ve spoken with Valerissa and she refuses to discuss details over a com channel. You will need to go there and convince her to help us. I’m prepared to offer her quite a bit of money to get her onboard, but I suspect she will require more than that for risking her life in service of our goals. Basically, go there, negotiate, get her to come here.”

CAMERON: “Alright. So, just on the off chance that she wants to know more details about a job than we did when we signed up, what is the monetary payment you’re willing to provide?”

NICK: “For this job, for her, it would be 15,000 Credits. If you can get her to go for less you can keep 50% of the amount you save me.”

CAMERON: “Okay. if less… Sorry, I’m just making notes in my data pad so that I remember this when we get to her. What other bargaining chips do we have available to us, besides doing good for the galaxy?”

NICK: “Of course, that’s most important, to destroy this fascist over-regime that we currently are dealing with. Normally way out in the Outer Rim they tend to negotiate through bartering, so maybe she needs something or maybe you can help her with something. I’m sending a crack team to go and fix the problem. You should be able to figure something out.”

LAURA: “No, I just have impact and glitterstim.”

NICK: “Maybe she really likes impact and glitterstim.”

CAMERON: (snickers) She doesn’t have any crack.

LAURA: ‘That is not a thing in the Star Wars universe.’

CAMERON: “Was there a C team, too? You got Alpha, Beta, and Crack?”

NICK: (laughs) He totally doesn’t get it. “No. It’s just the two teams.”

CAMERON: “Got it. Okay.”

NICK: “Statement: That was hilarious.”

CAMERON: “Thanks, HK.”

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank.”

CAMERON: “And you said the Beta squad needed two more people?”

NICK: “yes.”

CAMERON: “So I assume after we retrieve Valerissa we will be retrieving the fourth member?”

NICK: “Yes. I’m still in the process of hunting down some firing support for Beta team. It was going to be HK over there, but you ended up needing him.”

CAMERON: “Well, yeah.”

LAURA: “Huh?”

CAMERON: “Nope. Nothing.”

LAURA: “Okay~”

CAMERON: Nope. If nobody else heard that we’re just gonna gloss over it and pretend it never happened.

HUDSON: “(whispering) Karma, did we bring any cookies for Sentinel?”

CAMERON: “I mean, I have some in my bag. Do you want some … space-a-doodles?”

OTHERS: Spacerdoodles.

LAURA: But we also called them snickerdoodles, so there’s a colloquial term for them as well.

CAMERON: Yeah, because they just make you so happy that you snicker. (mouth clicks)

NICK: Uh—

CAMERON: Don’t make that face!

LAURA: And then you doodle. (giggles)

CAMERON: You know.

(laughter)

NICK: “yes. I would be fine with supplementing my rations.” The protocol droid waddles over to you and your bag.

CAMERON: I just open my bag, reach in, take out a Tupperware of cookies, hand them over.

(giggling)

NICK: You give him the whole Tupperware of cookies?

CAMERON: There’s more on the ship.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: These were just for if we got hungry on our walk in here. (laughs)

NICK: “Thank you. I appreciate the consideration. Do you have any other questions, since apparently you don’t remember the mission that we’re risking our lives to complete right now? Now would be a good time.”

LAURA: “Look. I am sure Karma and Tink remember the mission. I just personally did not.”

CAMERON: “See, my big thing was just that we hadn’t started it yet really besides team assembly, so I figured a more in-depth overview of the actual job that needed to be done would be done closer to, with coordinates and blueprints and coordinated plans of attack and whatnot.”

NICK: “Oh absolutely, that’s going to happen. I’m still collecting the final data.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, so I’m not worried about it until we get to that point.”

HUDSON: “My mind is a steel trap, and that’s all you need to know.”

LAURA: “yes. I totally trust you.”

HUDSON: “Wow.”

(giggling)

NICK: “Statement: Abilities for Boss Man logged: steel trap mind.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Is your assassin droid okay?”

LAURA: “Hank is fine.”

CAMERON: “Well…”

NICK: “Was he damaged or something?”

LAURA: “Hank, how are you doing?”

CAMERON: “Obviously…”

NICK: “Statement: Ready to eliminate all organics.”

LAURA: “See, he’s fine!”

CAMERON: “I was gonna say, obviously damaged, yes, as was not operational and we had to use the Rancore Protocol. It got shot straight through the CPU.”

NICK: “That’s unfortunate. It just seems a little different than most of these kind of droids I’ve interacted with. I haven’t interacted with an HK unit, but assassins in general… Well.”

CAMERON: “HK seems pretty chill.”

NICK: “Happily: I am very chill.”

CAMERON: “yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes. If you touch him he is pretty cold. He is just metal.”

HUDSON: “Boo.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: Here’s a question I realized I didn’t ask earlier. “HK, do you have preferred pronouns?”

NICK: “Grateful: Thanks for asking. I do he/him, except sometimes I do they/them when I forget.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Great. Thank you.”

HUDSON: I thought we established that droids don’t have a gender early in this.

NICK: Sometimes they do. Some droids don’t, some droids do.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: C-3PO, like a lot of the protocol droids, the ones you’re talking to a lot, they tend to be gendered just so that…

HUDSON: Makes it easier?

NICK: Or when the Star Wars writers get lazy.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: Cool.

CAMERON: But, noted.

NICK: Yep. His are he/him. They can be they/them, just kind of depends.

CAMERON: Or if we’re talking to inconsiderate people who don’t think droids have feelings.

NICK: “Statement: I don’t have feelings.”

LAURA: “Hank, do you have any hidden compartments that I can hide things in for you to carry for me?”

HUDSON: What’s an eating compartment?

CAMERON: Hidden compartments.

LAURA: Hidden! Secret compartments.

CAMERON: Translating: Hidden compartment.

NICK: “Concerned: I’m not able to share that information at this time.”

LAURA: “That is fine. You don’t have to do anything you do not feel comfortable doing. It was just going to hold some things for me.”

NICK: “Pleading: Can we change the subject?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “yes! Of course we can. So, we go get scientist lady, we bring her back, then we get one more person, we bring them back, and then something with a shipyard. Correct?”

NICK: “That’s correct. There may be a little downtime in there while we get everything in order. There’s a very specific time that this needs to happen, and that hasn’t been established yet. My contacts are observing, so when I know you’ll know.”

LAURA: “That’s fine. I have other things I can do.”

NICK: “Wonderful. Well, if you could hurry before our contact Valerissa is murdered by corporate competition I would really appreciate it.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

HUDSON: “And we’re off.”

CAMERON: “I’m trying to determine if you mean that literally or not.”

NICK: “Oh, I mean it literally.”

CAMERON: “Oh great.”

NICK: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Cool.”

NICK: “Yeah. Out in wild space things get a little dicey.”

CAMERON: “I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to be an engineer.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “A lot of my jobs have just been sneaking into other companies’ headquarters and just stealing things for other companies. I’ve never murdered anyone, though, just stealing corporate secrets. Yes.”

CAMERON: “See, I tend to get sent on bounties for the people who are doing that infiltration.”

LAURA: “yes.”

NICK: This is the conversation as you all walk towards the ship. You get on the ship. The ship breaks away. All the lights go dark. It jumps to hyperspace. We get a shot through the canopy of the cockpit of everyone crammed in there looking out at the glowing of hyperspace, and HK from the back says, “Optimistic: That seems to have gone very well.” End of episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Woo.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes on our website and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 27 It’s Nerftown

PDF download: Episode 27 It’s Nerftown

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 27:
It’s Nerftown

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

We have some people we’d like to thank this week. shallowdeep, thank you for your kind words. Were glad you’re entertained, and we appreciate the iTunes review. Argyle_Prime, thank you so much for your review. It read like feel-good poetry, and we’re so happy you enjoy the show. Thank you both.

Last thing, if you haven’t checked out our Tabletop Squadron Discord yet you totally should. We have a dedicated channel for pet photos and a dedicated channel for food, and we’ve got a great community already. Thank you to all the people who have dropped by to say hello, and I want to encourage anyone who’s interested to do the same. You can find the link to our Discord on our Twitter page, or on our website TabletopSquadron.com.

Also, we have an emoji that’s just Falx’s butt wearing pants that say Juicy? Okay, that’s it.

Music this week is The String by 2L8.

Let’s get into the episode!

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 27 of Tabletop Squadron. It’s a nice, chilly day down here, and welcome for joining us. That makes no sense.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Leave it! It’s fine!

NICK: Alright. Okay. First miss on the random welcome statement. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce themselves, who they’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we sat down why don’t you go ahead and let the listeners know what you used it on, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought a new talent tree, or specialization tree. It’s called Scoundrel. Then, I also put another rank in… I wanna say Skulduggery.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: I just wanted to say that word. I might have also put my point in it. Pretty sure.

NICK: Alright. Cool. Everybody’s getting a little bit more competent. Always nice. Next up we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I upped my Piloting: Space to 2 because that seemed important, and then I became a god and upped my Ranged: Heavy to Rank 4.

NICK: Concerning.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Okay! I’m sure you won’t need to fly ships or shoot things in the Star Wars RPG.

CAMERON: They haven’t come up at all so far, but I’m ready for when they do.

NICK: Actually, I don’t think I’ve made you… Well, you’ve had to do a couple Piloting checks.

CAMERON: I have done several Piloting checks and I did not badly crash the ship on the last time through, but I felt a few more ranks may be beneficial in the long run.

NICK: Makes sense. Alright. Last up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello! I am playing Tink the Gigoran slicer. I added a third rank in Stealth and a second rank in Coordination, and I also got the Skilled Slicer talent. When I make a Computers check I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks in the system and use them as maneuvers.

NICK: Wow, that’s interesting. We’ll have to find you a computer somewhere.

HUDSON: With other computers within the system.

NICK: Yeah, some sort of network situation. Eh, I’m sure it won’t come up. Let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: Okay. Good job, y’all.

HUDSON: Ooh. We did it.

NICK: Alright. When we last left off you did quite a lot, actually. Karma and Xianna infiltrated a Mon Cal cruiser that was simultaneously being attacked by the GGG gang. I’m not gonna try to say their name again. I’ve messed it up every time. They made friends with a new stormtrooper, they shot some bounty hunters, they shot some stormtroopers, I think? They fought some Gigorans. They stole some stuff, mostly Xianna. They got locked in a room at one point. And… No? You’re making a face?

CAMERON: I don’t think we actually shot any stormtroopers.

NICK: Yeah, I think you managed to avoid shooting the Nazis. That’s kind of interesting.

CAMERON: Also, we didn’t shoot the bounty hunters.

NICK: Oh yeah, you’re right. Meh. Anyway.

CAMERON: I don’t want to take credit for the stormtroopers’ kills.

NICK: Either way, there was a big old fight on a capital ship, and they were able to procure some loot and procure some bounties.

CAMERON: Tink!

NICK: And they managed to rescue Tink…

HUDSON: yeah!

NICK: …who had been pressganged into service on this ship and made himself useful and then promptly betrayed them and went back to his original friends, so that’s pretty fun. I think that was about it, so we’ll go ahead and jump right into it.

We open on karma in the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight. Blue and red flashes wash over her face as she pilots the ship. The control panel is merrily lit and shows all is well. Karma is listening to some music. What kind of music is her piloting jam?

CAMERON: Like the Star Wars equivalent of 80s power ballads.

NICK: Cool. Is she moving and jamming to it or is she just focused on flying right now?

CAMERON: Probably jamming, bobbing her head, doing little arm waves.

NICK: Cool. The camera takes a moment to dwell on this scene of relaxed confidence, and then we cut further back into the ship. Xianna is sitting cross-legged on the floor of the main lobby. There are piles of cracked open safety deposit boxes and the contents of Xianna’s turned out pockets scattered around. It’s like a crate dragon over its hoard. She has just opened the most secure safety deposit box. Her face is lit with a slight yellow glow. As she pulls out the item the camera zooms in revealing a rod made of a single cut gem. It glows slightly. It’s about the width of two fingers and half a meter long. There are strange—Are you okay?!

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: (giggling) It’s just, you’re describing  something that sounds very much like a dildo.

NICK: Great. Thanks.

CAMERON: (laughing) And the face Hudson made! He nodded his head like ‘yeah~’

LAURA: You can’t say the word rod and two fingers thick without most of us thinking of a space dildo.

NICK: (groans)

LAURA: And you need to leave all of this in.

NICK: God damn it.

LAURA: Our audience needs to know. (laughs)

NICK: It’s like a magic wand looking thing. Come on.

LAURA: Yeah!

CAMERON: Exactly!

HUDSON: (laughs) That literally made it worse.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Do I need to explain that there is a Hitachi magic wand out there?

NICK: No…

CAMERON: Are you talking about—You want us to be thinking more like rebar?

NICK: I’m avoiding saying the word rabbit at this point. Yeah, so you find some sort of crystal fucking dildo, and it glows.

(laughter)

LAURA: I’m gonna add that to my list: Crystal Dildo.

NICK: Great. You can tell because it’s made out of a large gem that it’s probably worth quite a bit of money. It has some strange runes carved into it that you can’t tell what they are.

CAMERON: People pay a lot of money for those ‘gem dildos.’

NICK: So, rifling through the loot, we get a shot over Xianna’s shoulder. She’s picking up the different things that she found, it’s all nondescript jewelry and things like that, and there’s a little counter going up like 50 Credits at a time, 100 Credits at a time, and she gets the good stuff and gets rid of the personal documents that she can’t spend. You have about 750 Credits worth of stuff right there. You can just straight put down Credits. You’ll be able to offload it off screen whenever you want, easy-peasy.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: The other item that I’m not going to describe, because it keeps making people giggle…

LAURA: The crystal.

NICK: The crystal. You’re not sure what it’s worth, you’ll probably need to do some research on that, but a lot. Great. While that’s going on and we hear the cash register sound over and over again as Xianna’s taking stock… yes?

CAMERON: Did she officially find a kyber crystal last time?

NICK: Yeah, she super did. This is something else.

CAMERON: Yeah, I know, I just… You didn’t mention the kyber crystal.

NICK: I forgot about it.

CAMERON: I thought that was her big win from getting locked in the room.

NICK: Yeah. So, on top of everything else, Xianna, you also have a kyber crystal which is… I don’t know, purple maybe? What color would you like your fancy crystal to be, or did I say last time?

CAMERON: I don’t remember.

LAURA: Yellow!

NICK: Yellow. Okay. You have a big, fancy kyber crystal.

CAMERON: Don’t get it confused with your dildo.

LAURA: No, no, no. See, Kyber Crystal yellow, and then underneath is Crystal Dildo. They’re different.

NICK: (huffs) Great.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. The crystal’s not worth as much. It’s probably worth about 1,000 Credits. It’s uncut, it’s not particularly setup for anything useful. It’s not weapons grade, but it is nice. It would make nice jewelry. Tink, at the end of the last episode you were napping on the couch. You had an arm thrown over your eyes and were decompressing from your near-death experience and kidnapping. Are you still sleeping or have you moved on to something else?

HUDSON: I moved on to something else. I’m basically going to get a snack, kind of rubbing my eyes, waking up, seeing what’s in the kitchen.

NICK: (laughs) We get a shot of (hums intro to Old Time Rock & Roll by Bob Seger) and Tink sliding barefoot into the kitchen, and then the camera quickly cuts away before we have to pay for it. Cool. You’re eating, flying… The next shot we have is the Afternoon Delight coming in to land at the same space port as before. Nerftown is a durasteel and duracrete port with prefab buildings surrounded by newer wooden buildings spreading out into the prairie. Same place. We get an over-the-shoulder shot of Zubo waving as the ship returns. He smiles as he sees the ship is relatively undamaged. This is the first real time we’ve seen the ship after it’s upgrades including the night shadow coating. What does the ship look like now?

CAMERON: I’m gonna say our lady survived.

LAURA: Yeah. My initial reaction was just to say it’s all murdered out… which means it’s just all mat black.

CAMERON: yeah, except for our pin-up girl.

LAURA: They just painted a square around it. They didn’t actually go up and redo it, they just left…

NICK: (laughs) There’s just a square.

LAURA: …an unpainted square around her.

NICK: So, to radar, from a very specific angle, you’ll look like a floating square of durasteel in space?

CAMERON: Yeah. We will look like space junk.

NICK: Interesting. The pin-up girl is untouched. What was the other upgrade you put in?

CAMERON: It was just the night shadow coating but we did the upgraded night shadow coating, so it both reduced the range band for sensors picking us up but then it also reduced our Silhouette by 1.

NICK: Got it. Got it. Okay, cool. You land. You have no problems. You already paid for your port fee from earlier, this was just almost a test drive of the repaired ship. Everything feels in order. What do you do now?

HUDSON: “I wonder if my weapon is done.”

CAMERON: Where are you on the ship when you say that? (laughing) I don’t know if any of us hear you.

NICK: Tink looks up from a sandwich, says that out loud.

HUDSON: Looks around, there’s no one there.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: And the ship coms are turned off because Karma’s been rocking out to music in the cockpit.

HUDSON: Yeah. The sandwich is peanut butter banana, and I’m walking around.

NICK: Ooh, that sounds good.

HUDSON: I walk around and try to find the others, and then I try to ask them if we can go look for my sword, but the peanut butter banana is in my mouth so it’s kind of sticking to the roof and making it really sloppy.

NICK: Yuck.

CAMERON: (laughs) ew.

HUDSON: “(mumbles) ready?”

LAURA: “Tink, I do not understand what you are saying.”

NICK: His translator mask just keeps talking over the noises he’s making and saying “error, unintelligible, error, error.”

CAMERON: It’s like he’s having to lift it up so that he can take a bite of his sandwich and then he’s not quite fully reattaching it whenever he puts it back, so it’s only catching half of his words anyway, so on top of just the chewing noises coming through (laughs) it can’t quite translate everything.

LAURA: It’s just half of the (growling grumbles) and ‘Error! … Car! Error! Error! Sand… carriage? Error!’ (laughs)

HUDSON: yes. That’s what’s happening. I do end up swallowing the massive amount of peanut butter and I get the… I want to call it a transcoder, but that’s not it.

LAURA: your translator.

HUDSON: My translator. I get my translator back on. “Do you think my weapon’s done? Should we go check on that?”

LAURA: “Oh yeah. We can go check on that. I have to sell some things anyways.”

CAMERON: Karma slides out of the cockpit. “Oh yeah! Those should be done. Let’s go!”

NICK: Da-dun~

HUDSON: Da-dun~

CAMERON: Swipe cut!

NICK: We get the zoomed out shot of people just walking off of the ship that they do for scene transitions that quickly cuts to the crew walking through the streets of Nerftown.

CAMERON: We get the cut of us badass walking off the ship, we’re about to go on an adventure, and then Karma pauses. “Wait, hold on. We have bounties on the ship.” (laughs) And turns around and walks back in.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. You go get the hover cart of dead Gigorans?

CAMERON: yes.

NICK: Okay. You’re gonna push that through town.

CAMERON: Yes. They’re used to me just walking around with bodies at this point.

NICK: It’s like the second time you’ve done it in two days.

CAMERON: I was pushing the Slippery Nerfs around, and Xianna was pushing the broken Tink around, so they’re just used to this. Everyone’s like ‘oh yeah, they got more bodies.’

NICK: ‘I wonder if they work for a hospital.’

CAMERON: Yup. That’s it.

HUDSON: ‘That doesn’t look like the way you should stack different bodies.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: ‘I’m sure they’re fine. They’re sleeping.’

NICK: Just a weird crowd of dumb-looking NPCs, turns around and wanders off. Great. They won’t come back. Cool.

CAMERON: Boo-bwoop! I lock the ship again.

NICK: You lock the ship, boo-bwoop. Okay. So, are you headed to the bounty office first or to get the weapons first?

CAMERON: yeah. On my cart I have all of the Gigorans from the GGGs, the only one of who is still alive is Ziller. Then I also have the carbine and the four light blasters on the cart as well that I was going to sell Krylon.

NICK: Right. Okay.

CAMERON: I’m taking the bodies first, because Ziller may wake up at some point.

NICK: We get the shot of you all heading through the ship. One thing we do notice is Tink’s limp is pretty much completely gone at this point. That was just for flavor stuff, but remember your knee was all jacked up and it as a long healing process. That is good, because it’s been three days of you having direct bacta implants into your knee, which is fun.

HUDSON: So, if you were to put this numerically, would you say that I’m at a threshold of 17 and fully repaired?

NICK: No, this is the last critical hit. If you’re still kind of bloodied up from getting shot a bunch by stormtroopers you may want to take care of that.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: You head towards the LAW… office, and the camera pans away from the crew as they head that direction. We see a Human man in a black vest wearing a flat brimmed hat. He’s leaning against a wall watching the crew head by. A shorter man who’s older and has a wrinkled face is leaning through a window talking to someone inside. The younger man elbows his companion and nods towards the crew who are chatting amongst themselves as they walk down the street. The older man hits his head on the window as he turns to look. “Oof!” And he rubs at his head. “That’s her?”

The younger man nods. “Yeah, that’s her,” and the camera zooms back to the crew. Where are you headed next, law office, right?

CAMERON: Law office.

LAURA: Oh no. They’re heading to the law office. Xianna just immediately peels away. “I have things to sell. BRB. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Just meet us at the weapon shop.”

LAURA: “Okie~”

NICK: Cool. We’ll do law first and then you can fence stuff. You walk into the office. You hear a bell ding across the door and the, sheriff?, I guess, she’s sitting behind her desk. “Oh. You’re back, and—Oh! Man, you work pretty fast, huh?”

CAMERON: “I work better when I… I need stuff to do. I was bored this week.”

NICK: “Okay… You know it’s okay to take some time and relax. Out here in the sticks we do that quite a bit.”

CAMERON: “Oh, I think we’re gonna go on safari later.”

NICK: “… Okay. yeah. Hunt giant animals, that’s relaxing.”

CAMERON: “No, just look at them.”

NICK: “Oh, okay.”

CAMERON: “Safari doesn’t necessarily involve hunting. We’re doing the pure tourist safari. We’re just gonna go hope we see animals.”

NICK: “Where are you going on safari? I wouldn’t recommend Engebo 5 for that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, we already saw the nerfs.”

NICK: “Yeah. There’s not a lot of other wildlife, that’s why the nerfs are so successful here. So, where are you gonna go?”

CAMERON: “I’m not sure. (laughs) We need to get with our travel agent.”

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: “We’re looking for the best deal with the most animals combo.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, with the animal guarantee, so that if we don’t see the animals then we get our money back.”

HUDSON: “It would be cool if we went to one where the animals that were previously extinct are now there again,” (laughter) “but it’s like a surprise, so you don’t know you’re gonna see ones that you thought were extinct but then they pop back up.”

LAURA: Oh, and you get in little vehicles that are like on a cart and you see they’re in closures, and they’re all female so that way they don’t accidentally reproduce, but uh, life finds a way…

HUDSON: Ugh.

LAURA: And then they break out, and I hope you all know where I’m going with this. It ends with Jeff Goldbloom shirtless. (laughs)

HUDSON: Ah, surrounded by dodo birds and woolly mammoths.

CAMERON: (smiling) That sounds like the perfect safari.

NICK: We’re gonna create a Star Wars race that’s just Jeff Goldblooms. They all just look like Jeff Goldbloom from various things.

CAMERON: From all of his different movies. (laughs)

LAURA: And they’re all shirtless.

NICK: Yup.

HUDSON: Apartments.com is still a thing.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. The sheriff looks at your hover cart of bodies. “Are any of these alive, or…?”

CAMERON: “yes! Ziller! The boss.” I pull one of them up by his handcuffs.

NICK: He rises slightly off of the cart. He’s a very large Gigoran in a pleasant clover green color. The striped ones all are scored with blaster marks and signs of explosions. “Okay, well, help me get him into a holding cell and we can just push the other ones out back with all the Slippery Nerfs that you brought me.”

CAMERON: “Okay!”

NICK: Tink, do you help with this?

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Okay. We get a scene of the three of you all tossing him into a cell. He does the thing where he lands on his face and his butt sticks up in the air real high.

CAMERON: And then it slooowly flattens out.

NICK: The sheriff spits in his direction and locks up the cells.

CAMERON: Karma retrieved her handcuffs beforehand and slid them back up on her tentacles.

NICK: Smart. Keep your gear. The back door of the jail is open. You notice that the cells are four wall durasteel cages, but the walls of the building are just light wood, nothing particularly secure about it, and the back door is open, and there’s a pile of fly-covered corpses from earlier that are starting to stink a little bit. She just dumps the Gigorans on top of that. There’s a really gross squish noise, but… yeah. She goes back inside and she types some stuff up on her terminal that’s in her computer. “Well, I think that was 4,000 Credits was the bounty?”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

NICK: “Well, we’ll go ahead and do that transfer.” While that very boring business is going on, after the fun part, we’re going to do a circle wipe over to Xianna. Xianna, what are you trying to achieve?

LAURA: Xianna wants to find a pawn shop of some sort. Zebwex, or whatever his face was, he was at a general store, right?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: So if I go to a pawn shop he won’t be there.

NICK: That’s true.

LAURA: She would like to find… I’m assuming there is a giant pawn shop, a cash for gold type place.

NICK: Okay. You’re not necessarily trying to find a fence, you’re just trying to find a low end…?

LAURA: For most of just the jewelry and that stuff a pawn shop would probably be easier than finding a fence. I will keep the kyber crystal and the crystal dildo for a fence.

NICK: Okay. There is a pawn shop. It’s not actually particularly big. As you go in it’s mostly farm equipment, saddles, cattle prods, a bag of feed that looks like it’s been there way too long. It’s the kind of stuff that the farmers have offloaded. They don’t have a ton of things. There is a rack of blasters in various quality, but pretty small. Behind the counter there is a bald, red-faced guy wearing all black, and he’s got a goatee. “Hi. What can I help you with?”

LAURA: “Yes. I have some things I would like to trade in for Credits. Here we go…” She just starts reaching into her pockets and piling stuff onto the counter.

NICK: He pulls out the jeweler’s lens and starts looking at the various things. “Hey, you got some nice stuff here. I think I could offer you 30 Credits,” and he crosses his arms and smiles at you very smugly.

LAURA: “No… No. This is worth much more than 30 Credits. Yes. I was thinking more along the lines of 1,000 Credits.”

NICK: “Whoa, whoa, now it may be worth 1,000 Credits, but that’s assuming someone comes in and buys it, and any time it’s here it’s costing me money. You know, I gotta protect my bottom line. Tell you what, I got a buddy who specializes in nondescript loot from dungeon crawls. If you wait a few hours he could come back here and we could get a solid estimate for it.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Or you could just pay me more now.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: No Laura, that’s not how these type of TV shows work. You have to bring in the expert. (laughs)

LAURA: The buddy has to come in, because of course he knows a guy who specializes in Civil War rifles, because that’s just a thing people do, that’s a friend everyone has.

CAMERON: ‘I know a guy.’ Yeah.

NICK: You see another large man with long black hair and a goatee walking around behind the thing and he trips and falls and breaks a bunch of stuff, and they start yelling at each other. “Tell you what, I’ll give you 500 Credits for everything.”

LAURA: “Eight hundred.”

NICK: At this point an old man comes out and he starts saying something about how it’s not worth anything and this guy’s gonna get their shop closed. “Uh, I’ll give you 750 if you just go away. I’ve got some things to deal with.”

LAURA: “Okie! 750 is good. Thank you~”

NICK: He just throws a bunch of credits at you, and that’s it. He takes your stuff.

LAURA: Then I’m gonna go back out, I’m gonna go back to the underground bar, because Xianna would not go to the weapon shop on time. She’s gonna go have a drink.

NICK: You turn to leave and the owner of the pawn shop turns to the camera and says, ‘Now, I think I can probably get about 15,000 Credits for these, but you know, we gotta protect our business, and the guy with the longer hair and the beard falls down and breaks some more things and goes (yells angrily), and we cut away. Xianna is heading towards the underground bar. Karma and Tink are headed towards the weapon shop. Laura, are you picturing that she’s just gonna show up later after they’ve already collected everything?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. Everybody’s still heading out. We get one of those cool heist movie split screen things down the center with Karma and Tink heading one direction and Xianna heading the other. They both turn onto the road heading to the weapon shop, and then Karma and Tink look into a window where there’s nerf calves that are for sale.

CAMERON: (long gasp)

NICK: They’re really small. They’re like 40 pounds maybe. That’s approximately less than 20 kilos. I wasn’t gonna be able to do that in my head. Sorry metric people. Something like that.

LAURA: A little less than 20…?

NICK: It’s probably like 15, 17 kilos.

LAURA: I’m much better at the Fahrenheit to Celsius approximations.

NICK: Oh, I’m terrible at that one. It’s like 2.12 pounds per kilo, but anyway.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s 18.14 kilograms.

NICK: I was close! I want credit for that. I was an English major.

LAURA: No, yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah. Good job.

NICK: Okay. So they’re 18.-whatever kilos, but they’re very cute and they’re mooing and they’re tackling over each other trying to get to the window to look at Karma and Tink.

CAMERON: Karma’s tracing her finger around on the glass and they’re all following it.

NICK: They have these really big heads, and one of them has this big, thick tongue and it’s just licking the glass kind of like Stitch does in Lilo & Stitch, just leaving this gross mucus trail behind your finger.

CAMERON: Yesss.

NICK: All that to say, Xianna then turns and heads down a different way. The camera cuts away, as everyone’s heading that direction, and we see the two men from before leaning against a railing on that same street. They’re squinting into the sun. The older man turns to his companion. “You think you can take her, Jake?”

“I have to. It’ll prove I’m ready. You know, it’s hard to be a bounty hunter without a reputation, and let’s be honest, she’s a little bit notorious.” The older man shrugs, and we cut back. Do we want to do the bar scene first or the weapons collection?

HUDSON: Weapons.

NICK: Alright! You walk into the weapons shop. If you remember there was a work table where he’s working and stuff up against the walls. There’s a rack that’s like three meters in the air that’s for display, and you can see your weapons all lined up. They look shiny and clean and dangerous and upgraded. “Well, hello there.” It’s a Devaronian guy.

CAMERON: “hey, Krylon!”

NICK: Yeah. Krylon is working on some sort of missile launcher still. It’s a different one, but this one branches into two barrels at the end. You can’t tell if one is for some sort of tracking and one is for missiles or if they’re both for missiles for some reason. It’s kind of weird. “Oh yeah, your weapons are ready.”

CAMERON: “Awesome.” Karma walks up to the counter and lifts up a duffle bag and sets it carefully as to not disturb the missile launcher. “I got your guns for you, too.” Then we have a quick flashback to when Karma and Tink were talking about which guns they were gonna sell earlier.

NICK: (laughs) Uh-huh?

CAMERON: Because we have another carbine that we got from the Gands that Tink now has, and then we also ended up with four Gigoran battle axes extra.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: So we jump back to the center of the ship and Karma just has all the guns and the axes laid out on top of the closed hot tub. “Okay Tink, how many axes do you wanna keep?”

HUDSON: “Question.”

CAMERON: “Yes, we can hang them up in cool places around the ship and just have it look like an old medieval castle.”

HUDSON: “Ooh.”

NICK: Sounds dangerous,” says Krylon, the weapons dealer.

CAMERON: (laughs) No, this is a flashback.

HUDSON: This is a flashback. Yeah.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: We had to jump back, because I realized that there are a lot more guns that we can sell.

HUDSON: “Is there such a thing as a super vibro-axe if you like tape them together?”

CAMERON: (laughing) “A double-handed vibro-axe?” We look to the GM, who looks like he’s never had this thought before.

NICK: I’m blue-screening. Give me a second.

LAURA: I mean, it’s gotta be possible.

NICK: So, that’s a thing.

CAMERON: We just duct tape them together. (laughs)

NICK: The thing is, if you duct tape them together you’re gonna be more likely to cut yourself in half. If you had given him two to begin with or asked for a double headed one we could have come up with some homebrew bullshit for it, but y’all are leaving very soon.

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m abandoning that plan.

NICK: But if you wanna keep a couple for the next time you’re somewhere where someone can put one together…

HUDSON: I’d rather sell them at this point. Let’s go ahead and…

CAMERON: “Okay. Do you want to keep one in reserve for the next time, if you get your nice one upgraded you don’t end up with just a vibro-knife?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Yes, that’s a good idea.”

CAMERON: “Okay. We’ll sell three of the vibro-axes then.”

HUDSON: “yes, three of the vibro-axes. Let’s be honest, I can’t shoot…”

CAMERON: “See, I feel like keeping the light blaster though is beneficial, because you can learn to shoot that. You don’t need to carry around a carbine with your axe, you’re gonna do more damage with your axe, but if you get in a situation where melee is not possible even if you’re not a great shot with the light blaster that’s still better than not being able to shoot at all.”

HUDSON: I looked down at my sheet to see what I have in Ranged: Light… Nothing. I can’t cock it.

CAMERON: How agile are you, though?

LAURA: Say on a number scale.

HUDSON: Two.

CAMERON: Yeah. Okay. You could still… You’d roll two greens. There’s still a possibility of success.

HUDSON: Okay, back in character. “I guess I’ll keep one. There’s, uh… I could use it.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Let’s switch out your Imperial light blaster with one of these nondescript light blasters.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. We can sell that one. Cool.” We’ll sell the carbine as well. And now we flash back, and karma unzips the duffle bag, and inside are (laughing) three vibro-axes, with I guess tape or something on their edges so they didn’t cut through the duffle bag, one carbine, four light blasters, and then she takes the carbine off her back and sets it on top of the pile.

NICK: “You got quite an armory there.”

HUDSON: “No, you do sir, after you buy them from us.”

NICK: “Wow! What salesmanship!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He looks super excited for a second and then looks around at all his walls of weird, piecemeal, strange weapons that he’s created. “Well, I mean, I guess I already did, but… Okay!” We get a brief montage of him ringing up the prices for everything. His initial offer is 80% of the going rate for everything.

CAMERON: We had agreed for at least the carbines and the light blasters that it was full price when we talked to him the first time.

NICK: Hmm. Man, I sure am a nice shop keeper, aren’t I?

CAMERON: Yeah, because you’re gonna do upgrades on them and sell them for much more.

NICK: Well, but I could also just go over to my brother’s shop—Actually, I don’t want to do that. Okay. Full price.

CAMERON: I know! Remember, you hate your brother.

NICK: Right, I remember this now. Full price. Yeah, so he’ll give you the going rate.

CAMERON: Cool. I’ll math it.

NICK: I’ll just skip all these Negotiation rolls, because it’s not important.

HUDSON: And Karma’s gonna keep the money as kind of a group money, is the plan, I think.

NICK: Space mom is the treasurer now?

HUDSON: Yes. I’ll just ask you if I need monies.

CAMERON: How much money do you have right now? How much money does Tink have?

HUDSON: 1,694.

CAMERON: So you’re doing fine right now.

HUDSON: I’m good. Yeah.

NICK: You have enough to buy space Dippin’ Dots.

HUDSON: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So, they finish, after we pick up our guns and we get paid for everything, after we leave the shop Karma hands Tink the money for the vibro-axes. “I’m real sorry I got you kidnapped.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “No. It’s- You know… Water under the bridge. You can… Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but this 2,250 will help.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yeah… It doesn’t hurt.”

NICK: Cool. You all trade in your weapons. Xianna, did you get anything customized? I don’t remember.

LAURA: Nope.

NICK: Nope, so you don’t give a shit. Cool. You pick up your stuff and you head outside, and you realize Xianna still isn’t there.

CAMERON: “Do you want a popsicle?”

HUDSON: “Oh, always.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “Okay.”

NICK: (laughing) So you go to the popsicle stand that’s very near to the questionable hospital.

CAMERON: We’re not concerned. It’s fine.

NICK: We cut over to Xianna. Xianna, you do run into an obstacle heading to that underground bar which is that there is a large Gamorrean standing in front of the small doorway for that shack-like house that leads into the hill. “Password.”

LAURA: “Um… I have lots of money and drugs? Is that the password? Heh.”

NICK: You can see him squinting at you. Roll me a Streetwise check. It’s average.

LAURA: Streetwise, got it. That is a triumph with a success, four additional successes, and two threats.

NICK: Wow. You say ‘I have money and lots of drugs,’ and he says, “You… That’s the password. You got it.” Anything else you want to come out of this with the triumph or anything like that?

LAURA: Ooh. He tells me a good spot in this underground area on where to buy more drugs.

NICK: On where to buy more drugs… He’s basically just wearing jorts and a raggedy vest. He pulls open the vest exposing Gamorrean nipple, which you never want to see.

LAURA: Xianna’s fine with that. (laughs)

NICK: He’s got lots of baggies and things. You know the strong man build where they have a tummy, but the tummy is clearly just because their abs are huge? He’s got one of those, kind of like the globular shape, but inside his raggedy vest he’s got lots of different drugs. “Well, if you’re looking for drugs I’ll give you a deal. You seem to really know what’s going on. I got some prime…” Wait.

HUDSON: Rib.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No. No. I got this.

LAURA: Some priiime dick.

NICK: I was gonna say—Well that too, wink. “I’ve got some Dagobah Kush here that’ll knock your socks off. It’s got that swamp stank.”

LAURA: “Um… I’m in the market for more powdery drugs… but thank you!”

NICK: He opens up his other vest, and it looks like one of the bulk things at the grocery store with the pull chute and he’s got lots of baggies. “Oh, if you were looking for impact or glitterstim…”

LAURA: “Oh, yes please.”

NICK: “…we’ve got some fine synthetics.”

LAURA: “I would like to buy…” and let me do a calculator. “Okie. Let me have five baggies of impact and two glitterstim, please.” Impact is usually about 125 a dose, glitterstim is 100, but if they’re discounted…

NICK: Yeah. “Well, we’re running a special right now, five will get you seven and two will get you four.” So, pay the going rate and he’ll give you extra.

LAURA: Okay, then I have to actually get my calculator back out. I thought you would maybe do it for me then.

(laughter)

NICK: Nope. I ain’t doing math.

LAURA: (in a sing-song voice)…125 times 5…

NICK: I do all the math before the session, and I didn’t do it this time. (laughs)

LAURA: Okay, that would be 825.

NICK: Yup. You’ll get seven things of impact and four things of glitterstim. We get this weird thing where for one, the dispensers shouldn’t fit in his vest but they do somehow and he puts the baggie under and pulls the chute, and shakes it next to his ear and balances it on his palm for the weight. “Yup, there you go.”

LAURA: How much glitterstim did I get?

NICK: Four!

LAURA: Four, okay.

CAMERON: Four stims of glitter.

LAURA: Four stims of glitter.

HUDSON: Is it like rock candy?

CAMERON: (giggles) That you snort.

LAURA: I don’t know.

NICK: I think glitterstim is also a powder, isn’t it?

LAURA: I think it’s a glittery powder in a tube and that’s why it’s called glitterstim.

HUDSON: Ah.

NICK: Although, I’m gonna be honest, I also have been picturing rock candy, but then picturing trying to snort a stick of rock candy makes my sinuses hurt. So, yeah, I don’t know.

LAURA: yeah, I think it’s a tube of glitter.

NICK: Great. You got some drugs. You’re inside the black market. His reassuming his guard posture is exactly like that part in Return of the Jedi where they hustle up to the wall and it turns out Luke is Force choking them but I always thought they were just awkwardly getting back in position. You’re in the underground place. What are you looking for?

LAURA: I head to the closest bar.

NICK: Great. You go to a bar. There’s a couple of waiters and waitresses wandering around. There is a six-armed bartender droid with a flying saucer looking head that’s mixing drinks with all its arms and passing them out in rapid succession, and you pull up a chair.

LAURA: I pull up a chair at the bar, and I look around the room while smiling, because Xianna’s not gonna pay for a drink. She’s gonna wait. Heh.

NICK: Alright. This sounds like some sort of check.

LAURA: Streetwise…

HUDSON: Cool.

LAURA: …Skulduggery, Charm…

NICK: (laughs) Cool would be if you then want to stab the person who bought you a drink.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: Streetwise, Charm…

CAMERON: I feel like if you’re looking to get some action it’s Charm.

NICK: It’s probably Charm. I would say Charm.

LAURA: Charm? Cool. What would the difficulty be?

NICK: In this kind of place we’re gonna say hard, not hard to get a drink, hard to get a drink without bad things happening.

LAURA: I’m gonna flip a light side point because this is important to my character.

NICK: Okay.

(laughter)

LAURA: That would be four successes and two threats.

NICK: Hmm. With four successes, describe to me Xianna’s ideal person to buy her a drink.

LAURA: Okay. How much time do we have? (laughs)

NICK: We have two and a half minutes.

LAURA: Okay! Let’s see… Most species, most heights, most body types, basically any gender, probably less than six arms but willing to accept that depending on personality, probably charming but again willing to sacrifice on charming if their credit stick is very full. Any way you want to interpret that statement, you can.

(laughter)

NICK: Good.

LAURA: Ideally someone who will be okay with flirting for the next hour, and then if she leaves, the sad, sad statement of not getting violent.

NICK: Yeah. That’s gross, and sad, and also true. So, you are very quickly approached by a middle aged looking guy, looks mostly Human but part of his face is a little melty. He has kind of a pig nose and kind of like fangs. “Hey, can I buy you a drink?!”

LAURA: “Well, okay!”

NICK: “What are you drinking… hot stuff?”

LAURA: She smiles, and then turns to the bartender droid because she’d be at the bar, and she’s gonna order a Super Nova.

NICK: Ooh, a Super Nova.

LAURA: It’s a dark orange color and it comes in a little martini glass, and it makes her feel fancy.

NICK: Yeah. He orders two and he has a big hand with pointed fingernails. “Well, that’s a pretty fancy drink choice for a place like this. We’re lucky that they have the newest firmware on these droids, huh?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, very lucky. Heheh.” She does always make sure that she gets it from the bartender, so when it comes out you always get your drink straight from the bartender.

NICK: Gosh, this scene is making me really sad.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Do you not know these rules, Nick? There are rules as a woman, for getting drinks.

NICK: No, like, I get it, it just… I don’t think about it because privilege and it makes me sad which is not great, so…

HUDSON: Yeah. Men can leave our drink for 15 minutes while we go to the bathroom at a random club.

NICK: Yeah… That’s only gone poorly—No, it hasn’t. Yeah. That’s gross. Anyway. Yeah, you take them straight from the bartender droid. I think in Star Wars if you get drinks directly from a bartending droid the drinks have a seal on them so you know they’re fresh and untampered.

LAURA: Oh! Like a boba tea place, and you have to poke the straw!

NICK: Yeah. The palms on the droid’s pincer hands just go (swish, click) and seal them so that you can pop the seal and you know it’s good and untampered. Let’s just start inventing technology that makes life less depressing. Let’s do that. So, you’re sipping your drinks and you’re flirting and talking, and you can see that this guy actually looks pretty bummed out. “Well, at least I have some company today,” and he’s drinking away.

LAURA: “Uh-huh. Yes.” She’s just doing the smile and nod while drinking, and surreptitiously looking around the room to see her other options as well.

NICK: There’s this shot of Xianna clearly just keeping him moving while she’s surveying the bar. “See, I found out recently that I have the death penalty in 12 systems, and—“

LAURA: “Oh yes, uh, uh-huh.”

NICK: “I wasn’t expecting that, and—“

LAURA: ‘Technically I am dead. Uh-huh. Yes.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He starts spilling his guts and his volume cuts down as you look around. You see some different people around the room. You see a big group of Chadra-Fan and one of them has a tiara and a sash on that says Bachelorette and they’re just screeching in this high-pitch noise. From your distance you can hear it and it’s not bad, but you can see as wait staff goes near and stuff they’re flinching and covering their ears, but they look like they’re having a blast. Most of them are on the table. You see an older gentleman with a big, white beard and kind of a scarred up face who is just drinking beer out of a pint glass and staring into space. He looks pretty tired. You notice the wait staff, and one of them is a green Twi’lek with tattooed lekku that looks like Sabacc suits.

LAURA: Xianna immediately puts a finger up to this guy’s mouth and just goes, “Shh, shh-shh. Okie. Thank you for the drink, but I have to go now. It has been lovely. Bye.” And she is just holding her finger on his mouth this whole time, and takes her drink and runs off after the green Twi’lek. (laughs)

NICK: As she heads away the man with the pig snout kind of turns back to his drink and downs it. “My friend doesn’t like you either…” and just sits at the bar and looks bummed out.

LAURA: Xianna takes her drink and wants to do the coolest slide in thing she possibly can, and just do like a, “Oh, hello~ Heh.”

NICK: You slide in behind the green Twi’lek who is talking to a customer, and you see the customer slides a bunch of credit chips, like a decent handful of credit chips. He’s saying, “So, whatever you were saying, I just really appreciate the service, you know.”

Then you say hi, and she looks over her shoulder and sees you, and looks back and says, “Hey, uh, sorry about this, but I’m on break,” and just grabs the money and turns around and leans into the bar very close to you. “Well hi there.”

LAURA: “Ello. I seem to keep running into you.”

NICK: “Yeah. I think I ran into one of your friends earlier. I was wondering if you were here.”

LAURA: “You’re not a bounty hunter here to get me, are you?”

NICK: “I don’t normally bounty hunt.”

LAURA: “Okay, but for this instance you are not trying to bounty hunt me? Because if you are, I mean, we could work something out.”

NICK: She smiles and tosses a lekku a little bit. “Oh, I understand the need for clarity of language in this situation. No, I’m not currently hunting you… for a bounty.” And she winks.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna smiles. “Oh… So, uh, what is your name~?”

NICK: “I’m Nolaa.”

LAURA: “Oh. I am Xianna. yes.”

NICK: “Nice to meet you formally.”

LAURA: “So you say you don’t usually bounty hunt. What do you usually do?”

NICK: “You know, this and that. I spend a lot of time being a waitress. It’s amazing how many people will talk to you…” The guy that she was talking to before taps her on the shoulder, and she turns around and says, ‘Strike two, buddy. Time to leave me alone.” He looks intimidated and scoots down the bar a little bit. “People get pushy, but you know, it’s pretty easy to fix.”

LAURA: “Okay. Information broker, yes?”

NICK: “Yeah. That’s the most profitable version of what I do. Why, do you need something?”

LAURA: “I mean, I will need a fence at some point, if you do know one.”

NICK: “I haven’t been here that long. I know a couple, but none of them are—“

LAURA: “Oh. We don’t plan on staying here.”

NICK: “Oh. You mean like a ‘fence’ fence, like a galactic level super fence.”

LAURA: “No. I mean, I have some things to sell and I need someone to sell them for me. A fence. I don’t know if you thought I meant like a fence in the ground to keep the nerfs in. Again, a lot of these words seem to have multiple meanings.”

NICK: She laughs, and it’s definitely the laugh of someone who is acknowledging a joke was made, but politely.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: She’s laughing because she’s enjoying the conversation, not because she… Anyway. “Yeah, I know a few people, this planet is a little sparse on that kind of thing, but if you’re trying to offload something big I could probably help personally, honestly, or at least get you in touch with somebody who can.”

LAURA: “Okay. I have a kyber crystal. I have this other crystal thing. It only mildly looks like a dildo.”

NICK: “Wait. Wait.”

LAURA: “I do not think it is actually a dildo, so…”

NICK: “Wait, wait, wait. Wait! Wait!”

LAURA: “And then I have this weird mask in a box.”

NICK: “Rewind, rewind.”

LAURA: “yes?”

NICK: “How does something only kind of look like a dildo? Is it a dick or not?”

LAURA: (laughing) She reaches into her pocket, because of course she has it, and she pulls it out. “See? I mean, it kind of looks like a dildo because the rounded end, but I don’t think so based on the siding of it and the runes carved into it. There are no balls either, but I mean not every dildo has balls, so you know.” Then she puts it back in her pocket. “Then this weird mask in a box, and I have three Twi’lek totems that do need to probably get back to their proper families.”

NICK: She’s thoughtfully scratching at her temple. “Oh yeah, it is kind of a dildo. I see what you mean now. Yeah, I could probably help you sell those on commission, or do you just want to get in touch with somebody and I’ll just take a flat fee? You know, when you came up to the bar I didn’t think we’d start talking business to be honest, but…”

LAURA: “I mean, either one. Which one do you prefer? Which one is best for you for return business?”

NICK: “If it means that we get to see each other again, why don’t you just give those to me, I’ll give you a security deposit, and we’ll trade funds again once I’ve got a buyer lined up. How does that sound?”

LAURA: Xianna thinks for a second. “You are quite lovely, but uh…”

NICK: “Yep.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I usually do not do security deposits or things like that. Full amounts, you know, just too many jobs where somebody in the party took everything before paying the other people and only some of those times was it me.”

NICK: “Hmm… So, you want me to just buy them from you.”

LAURA: “We can do that, or you can hand me a buyer.”

NICK: “Okay. Well, I can pay you now. It’ll be faster. I won’t be able to put as much together as that stuff is probably worth, but I’ll get you a majority of it. Probably for the weird dildo thing, I think it’s hilarious, I don’t know what it is, but I could give you probably 2,500 Credits for it. The other stuff, the totems I honestly don’t think we should be selling, that’s kind of bad.”

LAURA: “No, no, those aren’t for selling. Those are for getting back to Ryloth, to their clans, you know.”

NICK: “Yeah. I’m not gonna be going back to Ryloth, so you should hold onto those.”

LAURA: “I mean, I don’t really plan on… I mean maybe. I don’t know. I’ll hold onto them.”

NICK: “The kyber crystal, I don’t know what it’s worth, you didn’t show it to me, but—“

LAURA: She’s like “Oh I have it right here!” She pulls it out. “It is a yellow one. I don’t really know how much these are worth. I will be honest. Heh.”

NICK: She notices that your hand kind of goes to the same part of your coat every time and pulls out different sized stuff and all these things.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: ‘Man, you can sure fit a lot of stuff in your pockets, huh?”

LAURA: “I can fit a lot of things a lot of places.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: I was waiting for a comment like that.

NICK: She laughs. “I could give you 600 for the kyber crystal. It’s a decent shape, but I don’t think it would be able to weaponize. You can see because…” She leans in and puts her hand on your wrist so she can point at it, and you can feel her body heat as she leans in and points to it. “See there’s this major flaw right here in the middle? It would probably get ripped open if it had too much force on it, so you can’t use it for a weapon.”

LAURA: “Uh-huh, but you know, someone has a use for it somewhere.”

NICK: “Oh absolutely, so I could give you 600 Credits for that.”

LAURA: “I don’t have the weird mask in the box thing with me. It is back on my ship if you want to go see it.”

NICK: “Oh. Um…”

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: She looks up for a second, and then she looks at the droid, and she pulls out a data pad and keys a code. You can see the back of the droid’s head has six lights lit up on it in blue, and one of the lights flickers once and goes out. “Alright. I’m off the clock. Let’s go see.” And we’re gonna cut away!

LAURA: Cut away. I don’t know if we’ve set up any system of like… a sock. (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughing) We definitely have not. It has not come up yet.

LAURA: Ooh. Xianna probably puts a sock just on a wheel of the ship somewhere as she’s going in. “Eh… There. They will know what that means.”

NICK: You had a sock in your coat for this purpose.

LAURA: yeah. (laughs) Why not?

CAMERON: It was just leftover from when she was stuffing her boot.

NICK: Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.

CAMERON: There’s a story reason why she has a sock.

NICK: Okay. We get a quick cut of Xianna having a sock, and there’s no doorknob on the ship, and then looking around and there’s a bolt sticking out of the wheel and just, ‘huh…’ and it’s near where you would get on the ship, I guess.

LAURA: (smiling) yeah.

NICK: It’s a gray sock. It’s about the same color as the tarmac, but you know, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

LAURA: yeah. It’ll be fine. Yeah.

NICK: Then we get a shot of Nolaa talking excitedly and shaking around and you both lean in close and go up into the ship.

LAURA: Well, you hear the door close and then you hear, (clap, clap), and then disco music, (laughter) or whatever we decided disco music was called.

CAMERON: Jizco music.

LAURA: Jizco.

NICK: Nooo…

HUDSON: No.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I’m putting it in there. It’s called jizco.

NICK: Great. Building Star Wars canon one elicit meeting at a time. Okay. That’s going on. Let’s cut back to Karma and Tink. You have collected the bounty. You have collected your weapons. What else did you want to do in town?

CAMERON: We’re eating popsicles.

HUDSON: We’re eating popsicles. What has that done to my weapon? Do I need to increase damage or things like that?

NICK: You got a monofilament edge, I believe.

CAMERON: A monomolecular edge which…

NICK: That reduces your crit rating by one.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: That’s what it is. Okay.

NICK: Cool. We get a shot of Tink and Karma. Are you sitting next to the road eating popsicles? Are you standing by the stand eating popsicles?

CAMERON: We found a nice bench. We have our feet up on our cart. (laughing) We’re just gonna keep rolling our hover cart around.

NICK: yeah, your errands cart that you use.

CAMERON: Yeah! This is our second errands cart, because the first errand cart got left with the hospital. (laughs)

NICK: That’s true.

CAMERON: This is our replacement cart.

NICK: You have new toys, your newly upgraded weapons, so I think Tink and Karma are probably inspecting them while they eat the popsicles. As a reminder, what were your upgrades and then what does that do to the appearance of the weapon? Did you get it fancy-looking? Krylon usually adds a little flair when he makes weapon upgrades. Tell me about your weapons.

CAMERON: Alright. On my vibro-sword I got monomolecular edge and balanced hilt. The monomolecular edge decreases my crit rating by one, so my vibro-sword now crits if I have one advantage, and then the balanced hilt adds the Accurate 1 weapon quality, so I get a blue die for all sword slashes. On my carbine I got the night vision scope. It removes two black dice for darkness and it tracks heat signatures in all sorts of things, and through walls!

NICK & HUDSON: Ooh!

CAMERON: It doesn’t differentiate between like a fridge giving off heat and a Human giving off heat.

HUDSON: How many walls?

CAMERON: I don’t know. It just says through walls~

NICK: It’s probably the range of the weapon. What does your carbine look like now? Does it have a blocky scope on top, or is it a new color?

CAMERON: It now has a scope on top. It starts small and gets bigger, and it has the lens on, it’s kind of a green night vision color. Since Krylon wanted the scope paintjob to match the carbine paintjob, and even though Karma kept her carbine really nice it’s still an older blaster, so he redid the paintjob in that, kind of like the Ravens black that’s kind of black and green sheen to it. Then my vibro-sword just has a much nicer hilt now, memory foam hilt and is comfortable and isn’t just the black duct tape that the Empire had on it.

NICK: Cool. Cool. Tink, does your vibro-axe—It’s sharper now.

HUDSON: It’s sharper now. It is very shiny. I can see my reflection in the blade, and the hilt has been polished.

NICK: Okay. Was there a cool pattern etched into it now or anything, or is it still just shiny and chrome?

HUDSON: It’s still just shiny and chrome, but they did attach a bandana to it like when you’re leaving Pet Smart (laughter) and it has the name and logo of the shop.

LAURA & CAMERON: Aww.

NICK: It’s Krylon’s Weapon Hotel, is what it says on the…

HUDSON: Yeah, Krylon’s Weapon Hotel.

NICK: Oh man…

HUDSON: So that happens.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

CAMERON: Goodness.

NICK: Cool. What do you do now? Do you head back to the ship? Have you finished your chores?

CAMERON: As we’re eating popsicles I’ll text Xianna. “Hey, where you at?” I’m guessing she doesn’t respond though, because she’s busy.

LAURA: No, yeah. There would either be no response or just a set of emojis that Karma and Tink probably don’t understand. We’re gonna say after a few minutes you get two or three emojis sent and you don’t know what they mean.

NICK: It’s a peach, the smiley face, and then a sock.

CAMERON: “Is she grocery shopping?”

LAURA: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I mean, socks aren’t groceries.”

CAMERON: “No, but… I don’t know. Does she need new socks now that she has less toes?”

HUDSON: “Maybe she hopped in a puddle and they’re wet?”

CAMERON: “I don’t know… She’s happy about it.”

HUDSON: “Yeah…” Then I kind of start to get a frown and I start to get this stare, like a thousand mile or thousand yard stare? How do you say it?

CAMERON: Either way! How far are you staring?

HUDSON: A thousand mile stare. “Karma…”

CAMERON: “yes?”

HUDSON: “Do you believe in an afterlife?”

CAMERON: (coughs)

LAURA: Whoa.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughing) karma like chokes on her popsicle a little bit. “Uh… Yes? I think I do, Tink.”

HUDSON: “Okay. I was just thinking about Sabos, where he is, if he’s anywhere.”

CAMERON: “Well,” insert fact about Togrutan lore here for what Sabos probably believed. (laughs. I don’t know.

HUDSON: You could make it up at that point.

NICK: They don’t have a lot.

LAURA: I mean, there are a lot of Force users, so it’s probably just like you become one with the Force.

CAMERON: “Yeah. I think we’re all part of the Force and the Force is part of us. You may say that I am one with the Force and the Force is with me… and the Force is with Sabos.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Alright.”

CAMERON: “So, I don’t think any of us are ever really gone, we just can’t see them anymore, but the Force is all around us.”

HUDSON: “I could get behind that. Alright.”

CAMERON: Karma knew Jedi. She’s spouting Force shit.

HUDSON: Yep. “Thanks karma.”

CAMERON: “You’re welcome.”

HUDSON: I just eat my popsicle more.

CAMERON: “Good talk!” (laughter) How long has it been? It’s been a week since Sabos died?

NICK: Yeah, something like that. I think it’s less than a week. It’s been like five days.

HUDSON: So I should be sad still, this isn’t like a…

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: It’s only been a few days.

CAMERON: This is still fresh. (laughs) We’ve gotten shot several times since then, though.

NICK: yeah, that’s true. I think we have the shot of Tink being like ‘well thanks, karma. I feel better,’ and then it swipes to a disco ball and pounding disco music and you just see like a purple hand–

CAMERON: (giggles) Pounding.

NICK: Ugh. God damn it. I’m trying to do this tastefully.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You see a purple hand and a green hand holding each other and then it cuts back to whatever the next scene is.

CAMERON: “Alright. You ready to head back to the ship”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”

CAMERON: We push our cart back to the ship.

NICK: Do you think either of you would notice a gray sock on the wheel of the ship?

CAMERON: Karma 100% notices the sock, grabs it and goes, “ugh, kids,” and then just goes and tosses it in the laundry chute.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) We have a laundry chute. Okay.

CAMERON: yes, and then parks the cart in its section with our speeder bikes.

NICK: Can I get a Perception check from you, Xianna?

LAURA: Yes. What would the difficulty be?

NICK: How distracted do you think you are?

LAURA: Extremely distracted!

NICK: So probably hard, and I’m gonna flip a dark side point.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: Let’s see!

CAMERON: Please say you fall prone.

LAURA: No. Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Two threats… Ugh. None of my threat ideas are things I want to put on the internet.

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘This is a Snickers wrapper.’

NICK: You hear people coming onto the ship. The threats are that Nolaa totally doesn’t. She’s doing her own thing. Do you care?

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Okie.”

NICK: “What? What is it?”

LAURA: “I think my crew members are back. I do not know how they feel about bringing other people onto the ship. Hold on a second.” There almost certainly has to be a closet full of silk robes at this point in Xianna’s room. She’s probably taken them all from the costume closet that we have.

NICK: No, no, no. We get a flashback to the fancy ball that you all went to, and somehow during the procession up Xianna must have raided some of the other ships, so they’re like Imperial marked silk robes, or the party had gift baggies that came with stuff and she took like six of them.

CAMERON: The party 100% had gift baggies.

LAURA: Oh! Because the party was being thrown by Falx, and Falx would absolutely put in Imperial silk robes that are too short.

CAMERON: They have matching slippers too, though.

LAURA: There are matching slippers. She doesn’t put the slippers on. She just throws the robe on and pops her head out. They would probably have to walk into the ship a little bit to see her based on how the layout is.

NICK: Probably. We definitely get the shot of Xianna in the robe looking through the door and you can see Nolaa on the bed with the sheet up to the collarbone shot.

LAURA: The tasteful collarbone sheet.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: She’s just chilling out. She doesn’t seem that worried.

LAURA: “Ello~ Karma? Tink? I hope it is you two and not like, um, anyone else.”

NICK: ‘It’s me, Zubo!’

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘It’sa me, Mario!’

NICK: (smiling) I’m just kidding. Zubo’s not there.

HUDSON: “Hey Xianna. It’s intruders. Ha-ha.”

LAURA: “Okay Tink, it is you. Did you two not see the sock that I left?”

CAMERON: “yeah, we really need to talk about the cleanliness level on this ship. Okay guys?”

LAURA: “Oh. Do you not know what a sock means?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Someone forgot to put it in the hamper.”

LAURA: “No, no, no…”

NICK: You all hear laughter from the room.

LAURA: “Maybe this is just a Rylothian thing to put a sock… I feel like I’ve seen it on other planets too, so um… I have a friend over.”

CAMERON: “Oh. My boys had a different system. Should not use… Okay. Yeah. Sock equals that. Okay, got it.”

HUDSON: “Ohh…”

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. You’re a cool mom! Cool.” Xianna does a little thumbs up.

CAMERON: (laughs) They’re adults.

LAURA: “Cool mom! Okay. I’m going to close this door now, and you are going to hear jizco music and noises. Do not be weird about this.” She pops her head in and pushes the door and just stares at them as the door closes.

CAMERON: Karma waves creepily. (laughs)

LAURA: And then you hear the two claps again, and you hear the music happen again, and lots of giggling and noises.

NICK: Yeah… and we’re gonna stop that scene.

(laughter)

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: That’s a good place to stop.

HUDSON: I turn to Karma and I go, “(mouth click) Nice~”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: The ship gives a proximity claxon. It’s not the ‘you’re about to blow up’ alarm, but it’s one step below that. It’s a long, low pitch, and everyone knows that means something’s bad. Over the intercom you hear someone say, “Hey, come on out of there.”

LAURA: (shouting) “We are not ready yet~!”

HUDSON: “Uh, so they can’t. I wonder who that is.”

CAMERON: Can we hear them from inside the ship?

NICK: They’ve gotten into your intercom.

CAMERON: Oh. “Tiiink! How did they hack our ship?”

HUDSON: “What are y’all doing in there?! I don’t… know. How’d y’all hack our ship?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Karma Nailo, I’m callin’ you out!”

CAMERON: Karma looks surprised. “Sorry, do I know you?”

NICK: (smiling) He can’t hear you. It’s just like a broadcast situation.

CAMERON: “Hmm. Do we go out there?”

HUDSON: “Sounds like you’re being called out, not me.”

LAURA: At this point Xianna and Nolaa are in the Imperial silk robes and the slippers now and are out standing in the doorway. “Oh. It is not for me or Tink. Uh… I guess if you want to go out.”

NICK: So, what do you do?

CAMERON: Alright. We get the cool anime shots of Karma sliding her new sword and do the hilt on the back and attaching the carbine and flipping it around. I guess Karma’s gonna go outside.

HUDSON: “I got your back!” I follow.

LAURA: “We are going to get caf, so uh, see you later. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Y’all have fun. Be safe.” (giggles)

LAURA: “We’re just getting caf… It’s—“

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s gone already.

LAURA: “I only touched the pot one time and it was too hot. I know to use the handle now. I know!” (laughs)

CAMERON: It cuts to our caf maker and there’s now a sticker on it that says Caution: Caf is Hot.

NICK: (chuckles) Great.

LAURA: There’s a big handle but only one section has the insulated silicone around it, so if you accidentally grab the handle too high or too low you’ll burn yourself.

NICK: Xianna has this posture of embarrassed defeat and Nolaa just kind of looks confused and pats her on the shoulder, and then they disappear into the ship. Karma and Tink head down the gangplank and there is a man standing there, he’s got a black, flat brimmed hat on and he’s wearing a vest, and he has a heavy blaster pistol on his waist in a holster that is unbuckled so he could draw. “You Karma Nailo?”

CAMERON: “To whom am I speaking, please?”

NICK: “My name is Jake. I’m the premier bounty hunter on this planet, and you’re on my territory.”

CAMERON: Karma holds up a finger and tries to look him up.

NICK: He crosses his arms. ‘hey- Don’t- Come on. Don’t do that. Ugh.” You can see behind him probably 15 yards back, standing about mirror to where Tink would be, there’s an older, shorter bald guy who’s pretty wrinkled and trying to look serious but thinks it’s funny. In about 20 seconds you’re able to pull up Jake from Engebo 5. He is not wearing khakis, but he is–

CAMERON: (giggles) He is wearing a red polo, though.

NICK: No, he’s wearing a vest and a white shirt. He is a very new bounty hunter. He’s been bounty hunting for maybe three months. He has one confirmed capture and it was for parking tickets. He’s like real life bounty hunters where you use mostly mace and the job isn’t nearly as cool. Apologies to any actual bounty hunters listening. I know your job is dangerous. Anyway.

CAMERON: Karma accepts your apology.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: karma looks at it. “Aww…” (laughs)

NICK: He looks visibly annoyed. “Here’s how this is gonna go. My friend here is gonna throw a credit chip in the air. When it hits the ground we’re gonna shoot—“

CAMERON: “At the credit chip?”

NICK: “At each other. We’re gonna prove who’s the fastest hand on Engebo 5, or you could leave and be branded a coward.”

CAMERON: “Hmm… I mean, If it’s you doing the branding I’m not really concerned about it.”

NICK: “Everyone will know. I’m an influencer.”

CAMERON: “heh.” Karma sets her data pad down. You can see it defaulted back to her page and it’s just continuously getting requests and shit, and she’s not concerned about it.

NICK: (laughs) It just says 99+.

CAMERON: Yeah, but she keeps getting the notifications that someone else tried. “I really don’t wanna shoot you. … That was the end of my statement. You can respond now.”

NICK: “(stammers) I… But… I called you out. We have to fight now. That’s how this works.”

CAMERON: “You know, the bounty hunters tend to be more of a brotherhood, and the shooting of other bounty hunters is kind of frowned upon, and by kind of I mean very.”

NICK: “Look. He’s about to throw this credit chip and then I’m gonna draw. You do what you want. Hit it, man.” The guy takes a credit chip and he tosses it into the air.

CAMERON: I wanna shoot the credit chip.

NICK: (smiling) Oh shoot. Okay.

CAMERON: So it never hits the ground. (giggles)

LAURA: At this point Xianna and Nolaa have walked out onto the plank up next to Tink holding their caf in the mugs. “Okay. Okay. Oh, shoot off, okay. I hope Karma shoots him first.”

HUDSON: Somehow I have a bucket of popcorn now.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Roll me a… shooooting check, I guess?

HUDSON: Ranged?

NICK: Ranged: Heavy. Well, I know what it’s called!

CAMERON: (laughing) A shooooting check.

NICK: Well, so, I was going to make you roll initiative, but you’re drawing so much earlier than he is expecting I don’t think you have to beat him with initiative. He wouldn’t be ready for you to ignore the credit chip, because that would be murder.

CAMERON: And I have Quickdraw, so…

NICK: Oh, you do. That’s really cool. You quickdraw your rifle off your back and it’s gonna be a hard shooting check.

CAMERON: Okay. Let’s see. There are no walls nearby, so that doesn’t help me…

NICK: To see through the walls? (laughs)

CAMERON: To see through. Yup.

NICK: Very important.

CAMERON: Um…

NICK: Are you still checking your talents?

CAMERON: Well, I was just gonna ask, has the credit chip acted this encounter yet? (laughing) Can I have a blue die for Quick Strike?

NICK: No. You can have the—Yeah. I would say this is sort of quick striking against him, and he hasn’t acted yet.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Two of my yellows came up blank, but I have three successes, three threats, and a triumph.

NICK: Okay… So you shoot the credit chip. Do you have an idea for the triumph? I kind of do. I was thinking that the credit chip is completely obliterated, vaporized, so nothing ever hits the ground, and he’s just waiting for too long and then he realizes what you did. He flinched when you shot, and then the credit chip never hits the ground, and he realizes what happened and he’s just stunned. He keeps his hands up and you’re able to just turn and go back on the ship. You completely defused the situation. Does that work for you?

HUDSON: I clap.

CAMERON: And I would like to not fall down, as part of my triumph.

NICK: (smiling) No! That’s gonna be so funny!

CAMERON: (smiling) Nope! I would like to not fall down as part of my triumph.

NICK: … Fine.

CAMERON: (laughing) I don’t want to do this super badass thing and then fall.

NICK: (laughing) I wanted it to be, and then you trip walking back up the ramp, but you’re just like ‘fuck yeah, holster, turn, everyone applauds, guy looks like an idiot… trip-fall!’

LAURA: Xianna’s shaking her head because she was really happy for a second because she thought Karma was just gonna shoot the guy before the coin hit, and was like “yes, that is how you do it,” and then was like “ugh… you should have just shot him. He would be dead. You could have just shot him first.”

CAMERON: “See, here’s my reasoning though. You noticed that blaster bolt was red?”

LAURA: “Mm-hmm?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I didn’t want to shoot him, because I wasn’t quite sure if Krylon had set it back to stun.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I mean, then he would be stunned, I guess. Oh well.”

NICK: We get a flashback to Krylon as he’s attaching all the parts and cleaning all the parts. He looks at the stun/kill switch and it’s on stun. “Huh, that’s weird,” and flips it to kill where it should be in his mind.

We see everybody go back onto the ship. I think at this point Nolaa probably runs into the ship and grabs her bag of stuff. “Hey, this has been fun, but I’ve got some stuff…”

LAURA: “Um, so I was going to sell you some things. Do we want to just do that later?”

NICK: “Yeah. I think this is a good start. I used up most of my funds. I don’t want to be awkward about that. I gotta go.” And she takes off very suavely. She’s still wearing the robe. She just grabbed her stuff in a bag and is…

LAURA: Yeah. (laughs)

CAMERON: “Bye Nolaa! Come again soon!”

NICK: “Oh, it was good to see you, karma.”

HUDSON: Ha!

CAMERON: Heheheh.

LAURA: Xianna’s just waving, “Yes please~!”

(giggling)

NICK: “Ohh…”

LAURA: “It was a dirty joke~! Ha.”

NICK: The ship gangplank closes up and the camera zooms out and we see the ship lift off and head towards space. The camera comes right in on Jake and his older friend who walks up and grabs him on the shoulder. Jake’s reaching towards the ship. “Agh! But I was gonna prove I was good…”

“Hey, forget it, Jake. It’s Nerftown.”

CAMERON: (laughs) Oh no~

NICK: (smiling) And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode. Ba-naaa~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Yay.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 26 Set Sail Into Battle

PDF download: Episode 26 Set Sail Into Battle

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 26:
Set Sail Into Battle

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This week it was pointed out to us that we have been using slurs for sex workers on the show. We are sorry. These terms were not appropriate to use and we apologize for any hurt we have caused. We will be having an internal talk about being more mindful of the words we choose and how they impact people. We will also be rewriting some of the crits on the Edge of the Empire critical hits chart. A few of them use ableist language that is hurtful. We believe we have read one or two of these crits out loud on the show and we apologize for that. These things are on us, but we will try to do better in the future.

We have some announcements this week. We’ve been extremely busy lately and the newest results of that work are a Discord channel. We started a channel for everyone to come and say hello. For anyone who doesn’t know, Discord is like Skype or Slack and is a chatroom where you can talk to people about specific subjects. This one is about Tabletop Squadron. Come talk to other people who like the show and the cast about the Afternoon Delight’s shenanigans. If you’re interested in joining the group, the link is on our Twitter page, the website, and our Facebook. Stop on by. The Discord has already decided that at 420 Twitter followers Thrawn will appear in the show, so now I have that to deal with. If you have written fan fiction or drawn fan art, the Discord is a great place to show it off!

Music this week is Tanzen (K ID 22) vy KieLoBot and Seaquest by Black Bones.

Let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 26 of Tabletop Squadron! We have now gone as long as animes go. … For this episode we’ll do the intro in Japanese!

CAMERON: (laughing) What?!

NICK: No…

LAURA: We’re at a weird time where we’ve obviously passed ones that only do one season, so like 13 episodes, but we’re not at the One Piece level where we have 400 episodes.

NICK: Yeah, but unlike most of the ones that only go two seasons, both seasons have been great! So, we’ll go around the table, introduce yourselves, and say who you’re playing today. We’re gonna go the other way, so let’s start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Next up we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes, I am Laura, and I am playing Xianna’fan the Twi’lek smuggler, thief. Yes.

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: I have pockets.

NICK: Woo. Last up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and today I’ll be performing as Tink the Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Performing well, I hope.

HUDSON: yes, yes, quite right.

NICK: Yes, indubitably. Before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Fuck. (laughs)

NICK: yesss.

LAURA: [laughing] It’s exactly the same as last time. Oh no—

CAMERON: Nope. I’m two dark side this time.

LAURA: We each only have one, so it’s now four.

CAMERON: It was SO close to being two light side and then it hit the edge of my dice tray and flipped.

NICK: Yeah. Well, I didn’t have to use them last episode because you all just were really kind to walk into all the bad things I wanted to happen, so that was good.

CAMERON: (pouting) Welp, I’m grumpy now.

LAURA: I know my character!

NICK: (laughs) You are consistent!

LAURA: I am consistent.

NICK: Alright. When we last left off, Karma, Xianna and Tink had all boarded the Mon Cal cruiser and worked your way towards the bridge. The bridge currently has Ziller, the GGG quartermaster, a couple other people in it that we’ll describe in better detail, and everybody’s met there and the last thing that you heard was Ziller saying, “Oh good, I thought that these were going to be stormtroopers, and they’re not.” Then you immediately started hearing the tromping of booted feet, and that’s where we will pick up.

So, we’ve got karma kind of in cover in a doorway aiming right at Ziller, we have Xianna on the opposite end of the doorway hidden where no one can find her, Tink and Web-Web just came running into the bridge asking Ziller what’s going on, we’ve got booted tromping feet behind you all… What do you do?

CAMERON: I shoot Ziller.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna would have already been shooting and not have waited, because Karma said to shoot.

CAMERON: Yep. Our hallway went pew-pew!

NICK: Okay. What we’ll do is we’ll go ahead and roll Vigilance for everybody and then we’ll let you have two PC slots right at the start. I think it’s three, but Tink used his running into the place in the first place, so he doesn’t need one.

HUDSON: If I have 2 in Vigilance and 1 in Willpower, then I roll a yellow and a green?

NICK: Two yellow, one green.

CAMERON: What? No.

NICK: A yellow and a green.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: You were exactly right. I am wrong.

CAMERON: Karma has two successes, one advantage.

HUDSON: I have two successes.

LAURA: I have one success, one advantage.

CAMERON: What other dice would you like rolled?

NICK: I need two yellows and a green.

CAMERON: Three successes, a triumph, and two advantages.

NICK: I need two green dice.

CAMERON: Two advantages.

NICK: I need a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Four advantages.

NICK: (snickers, smiling) Okay… I need three yellows and a green.

CAMERON: Two successes, two advantages.

NICK: One more time.

CAMERON: That is four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay, and we’ll just do that in the wind… Great. That’s enough initiative. Starting off, karma and Xianna both get a shot at Ziller because they were armed up and ready to go.

LAURA: Xianna was shooting at the panel.

NICK: Okay. Xianna is shooting at the panel.

CAMERON: We just get shots onto the bridge.

NICK: Sure. Don’t let me explain your tactics. You go right ahead.

CAMERON: Haha!

NICK: Average.

LAURA: We are at what range?

NICK: You are at medium  range from the panel, short range from Ziller.

LAURA: Four successes and a threat.

NICK: Oh geez. Okay.

CAMERON: Three advantages, so I’d like to trigger my crit. (laughs) No, I don’t hit.

NICK: I wish you could.

LAURA: Can you trigger someone else’s crit?

(laughter)

NICK: I don’t think so.

CAMERON: Can I trigger Xianna’s crit?

NICK: I’m not saying that will never happen, I’m just saying it’s gonna have to be a very specific situation where you can do that.

CAMERON: Yeah. … Pew!

NICK: So, Xianna shoots the control panel right in the sparky bits. It immediately explodes filling the room with white smoke and knocking those two pirates to the ground. One of them hits his head and is unconscious immediately. It does that really gross movie theater splunky broken bone noise. He’s out. He will not be coming back. Then, karma shoots at Ziller. He dives behind the captain’s chair and the Mon Cal captain. You shoot and the last shot hits the Mon Cal captain as he ducks behind it and he is not hit. He takes cover behind the captain’s chair, that’s what he does, and now we’re gonna get into initiative order. So, the first thing that happens is you hear the sounds of booted feet getting faster and somebody is close to coming around the corner on the hallway, the right angle hallway that Xianna and Karma originally came down. There is the rattle of armor, and you figure oh gosh, maybe these are those stormtroopers that Ziller mentioned a second ago. They are not quite in line of sight but they are very close. That is them, next up is Ziller. He pulls a heavy blaster out of his conveyor belt…

CAMERON: … Conveyor belt? (laughs)

NICK: Don’t know why I said that…

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: He pulls a heavy blaster pistol out of his utility belt. He puts the pistol on the shoulder of the captain and he goes to shoot Karma, because Karma was trying to shoot him. That’s gonna be two yellows and a green. I think his motion put him at medium range actually, because he’s across the room now.

CAMERON: He gets a black die because I’m in cover?

NICK: Two black dice, one for cover and one for all the smoke that’s in the room.

CAMERON: Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Okay. I forgot what a heavy blaster pistol does.

CAMERON: Well, actually, you know, I’d love to help you but unfortunately that’s the one I lost when we were escaping the herdship, so I no longer have that written on my sheet.

LAURA: Heavy blaster pistol is 7 damage.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: Three crit, medium range, encumbrance 2. It has a stun setting~

NICK: He’s not using it, though. You said 7, +3 so that’s 10 damage coming at you. It hits you in the shoulder of your armor. I think it hits hard enough to bruise but doesn’t pierce it… and hurts. That was Ziller. He is still behind that captain’s chair and probably will remain there for a while. We’re up to our first character slot! We’ve got Karma in the doorway, Xianna still in the doorway, Tink you are—

HUDSON: I thought I was behind everybody.

NICK: Blaster fire is kind of pinging in front of you. You are by the doorway, but you are in the room.

HUDSON: Correct.

NICK: yes. What does anybody wanna do? Character slot.

LAURA: Xianna will shoot again. She has her scanner goggles on, so the fact that it’s smoking isn’t a big deal.

NICK: Yeah. That shouldn’t affect anything.

CAMERON: Can she have another blue die from the two threats that Ziller had?

NICK: Absolutely. He’s so busy taking a bead on Karma that he’s leaning out and exposing himself, tactically.

LAURA: yeah. I’m gonna shoot him. I’m gonna aim since I’m just standing in the doorway. He’s still medium, right?

NICK: To you, yes.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: There is a black die because he’s in cover, though. … Well, that helped a lot. (laughs) It’s blank~

LAURA: Four successes and one advantage!

NICK: Sheesh. How much damage is that?

LAURA: That will be 10 damage.

NICK: Okay. That hurt him a whole bunch. How many advantages did you have?

LAURA: One. I just want to put that towards… Can I make it so I hit him in his shoulder and he kind of spins and he’s no longer completely in cover?

NICK: Yeah. You can have knocked him out of cover. You can do that.

LAURA: Yeah. I would like to have knocked him out of cover so it makes it easier for whoever shoots him next.

NICK: I think what it is, you hit him real well, right in the chest, and it went pretty deep, and he’s not wearing armor, so he drops the blaster pistol and draws his vibro-axe and just steps out of cover.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: He’s raging right now. Up next, we hear some more stomping of booted feet. Tink, you look behind you to see a group of five stormtroopers coming around the corner. They are going to shoot at Web-Web because Web-Web’s right near you. That’s gonna be two yellows and two greens, average difficulty. They’re not gonna aim or anything.

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Ow… Poor Web-Web. They all shoot. The guy in the front says, “Shoot the blue one!” It’s five, so the three in the front kneel and the two behind them stay standing, and they just shoot one shot all in unison because these stormtroopers are competent. This usually doesn’t get to happen for me.

They hit Web-Web, and Web-Web says “Kriff!” and runs and dives behind a bank of stuff to get out of the way. They got hit pretty good. They’re not very happy. You can hear a stream of curses in Gungan. None of you speak Gungan, but you can clearly tell the tone of the statements. That is them. Up to another character slot.

CAMERON: I will take this one since I’m armed. I’m going to shoot at Ziller again.

NICK: Okay. He’s no longer in cover. He’s got his big old vibro-axe out.

CAMERON: And he stepped back to medium range?

NICK: yes, from where you are.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: (quietly) Do you want to aim?

CAMERON: Yeah. Well, no actually, I want to use my maneuver for something else. I’m just going to shoot him. One success, two advantages.

NICK: How much damage is that total?

CAMERON: Ten.

NICK: Oof. Okay. You hit Ziller in the chest basically in the exact same spot that Xianna did. He is not dead, but he–

CAMERON: We’re stunning him. Both of our guns are set to stun.

NICK: Oh! Oh, then he’s super unconscious.

LAURA: Oh, no.

NICK: Did you switch yours back to murder?

LAURA: I think Xianna switched hers back to murder. I honestly don’t remember.

CAMERON: We never said that we did.

LAURA: I don’t know if I ever said I did, but I feel like Xianna would have…

CAMERON: Karma’s is still on stun, so that was 10 stun damage.

NICK: Okay. If you kept it on stun he’s unconscious. If you didn’t, then he’s just bleeding and also dizzy.

CAMERON: The thing is whether or not you remembered that your gun was on stun.

LAURA: She probably didn’t.

NICK: I actually really like the idea of Xianna shooting him and being like ‘yes! … Aw, what the heck?’

CAMERON: ‘Why was it blue?’

LAURA: ‘No, it was on stun!’

NICK: (laughs) Doesn’t recognize stun damage because never uses it.

CAMERON: How come it’s blue? What is wrong with this gun? (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs)

NICK: The blue does more damage. Yeah, so, with the second stun wave he basically just drops. He slumps. Little Zzz status icons come up from his head. He is unconscious. Great job. You wanted to use your maneuver?

CAMERON: Yes. I am taking off my bounty hunter badge and holding it facing behind me. I just saw stormtroopers come from the other side and there’s boots behind me. There’s going to be stormtroopers coming. I’m trying to identify myself, and I’m gonna use my advantages that the smoke is cleared from behind me and they can see it when they come around the corner.

NICK: Oh dang. I keep forgetting that you’re technically not wanted. (laughs)

CAMERON: yes.

LAURA: Neither is Xianna.

CAMERON: And Xianna is technically dead.

LAURA: Technically.

NICK: Technically.

LAURA: Technically dead. (laughs)

NICK: Oh man. So it occurs to me that the only person on the crew that is actively being pursued is Tink, which just seems kind of unfair to me.

(laughter)

HUDSON: It really is.

LAURA: Xianna has that split second where she doesn’t remember this. “Oh shit! The fuzz!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: And then she’s like, “Oh wait… I am dead! Haha!”

CAMERON: Jorus is technically after Xianna right now.

NICK: Yeah, that’s true.

CAMERON: But he doesn’t know her name. Tink is like 100% Sila’s got him down.

NICK: He’s six inches from convicted at this point since Sila has his notebook of many tricks.

CAMERON: Yeah. So, my maneuver and my advantage to take my badge out and show it so that they see it, so that they know I’m not on the bad side. I don’t want to be one of the baddies.

NICK: Okay. Goodness. Alright, next up is a character slot. I think that would be Tink.

HUDSON: Yes. Dumb question of the evening: Is this bridge actually a bridge?

NICK: (chuckles) No.

HUDSON: It could be, but it’s not?

NICK: I think it just became one if you want it to be. We just didn’t mention that this room is above a chasm above the reactor.

LAURA: They’re never above a chasm.

NICK: No. The bridge is the driving place for the boat. It’s where the captain hangs out.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

NICK: You know in Star Trek how there’s more people on the ship but it always shows those same eight people and it shakes around and they fall over and stuff? Picture that. That’s basically what this is.

LAURA: Ooh! What you could have… I don’t think the Mon Calamari ships ever show it this way, it’s usually the galactic ones, where this is a raised section so a lot of the people on computers and stuff are lowered…

NICK: Oh, the Imperial ships have that.

LAURA: …so there is kind of a bridge, but the Mon Calamari ones always seem to be flat.

NICK: Well no, because they’re on that floaty chair on the arm.

LAURA: Oh, there is a little bit.

CAMERON: First of all, I like the fact that you used Star Trek to explain what a bridge is as opposed to Star Wars, the game we’re playing.

(laughter)

LAURA: To be fair, no, I was going to tell Hudson… ‘Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek?’ That’s what I thought of too! I think they call it the bridge in Star Trek and use that way more often than they do in Star Wars.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, because they’re constantly telling people to report to the bridge. They don’t do that in Star Wars as much.

LAURA: And they’re constantly on the bridge and mentioning it in Star Trek whereas in Star Wars they don’t use that as often.

CAMERON: But in the Mon Cal cruisers there is the floaty bit in the bubble that the admiral sits in, so there’s part of a bridge thing.

NICK: yeah. It’s like a chair on an arm.

LAURA: His bubble chair.

NICK: So, depending on what you want to do, kind of.

HUDSON: I was curious. I don’t have to do it. I had an idea, but…

CAMERON: I had advantages in my initiative roll. I’d like to donate those to Hudson to help with bridge creation if required. (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Fine. Tell me what you’re aiming for. Let’s make this happen.

HUDSON: I’m gonna push someone off.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Web-Web is nearby taking cover behind a panel. So, the way it is… However everybody was picturing it, that’s what it looks like, but around the edge there is a sharp 15 foot drop, 5 meter drop, I know that’s not exactly right but close, and then there’s more panels and stuff down there. It’s a drop enough that could mess with people. Your options, you can get to everybody. There is one of the lackeys who was trying to hack the computers on the ground near there but still functioning. One of them is unconscious. The Zabrak man in the ship uniform is standing off to the side also near the edge. Ziller is out. There are stormtroopers behind you. I think that’s it right now. Who do you want to push?

HUDSON: Where was the one who tried to hack stuff?

NICK: He’s in front of you. He’s lying on the ground near the edge between two sets of computer panels, one of which is exploded.

HUDSON: I’ll kick that guy off.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. You use your maneuver to run over to him. Make me a Brawl check.

HUDSON: Oh no…

CAMERON: Hey, you’re pretty strong.

HUDSON: Yeah. I don’t have anything in Brawl, though.

CAMERON: Yeah, but he’s also on the ground and just got blown up a little bit.

NICK: It is going to be average difficulty, two purple, but you will get a blue die because he’s prone.

HUDSON: Do I get another one because she gave me advantage?

NICK: She did that so that there was a ledge to shove off of.

CAMERON: I did that so that there was a bridge.

HUDSON: Oh, so there was a bridge! Okay! Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Okay. Everyone is looking at you. I think what happens is you parkour over a computer panel. All these computers by the way I’m picturing like Mission Control from the 70s, those big, white, blocky things. You parkour over those, the one where you plant one hand and swing your legs over. You run over to that guy who’s on the ground. He’s reaching for his pistol, because he was going to go next, and you just soccer kick him in the stomach. You know in the movies when someone gets hit hard and it’s very obvious that they had a rope tied to him and pulled it real fast to make him slide? He does that, and he goes sliding. The back of his head hits the corner of a panel with a smack and then he spins off and falls, and there’s a comically long delay, and then you hear (“boom”), and that guy is definitely out.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Your threats are everybody saw you run onto the bridge, and they’re all looking at you, and you just ran up and clearly declared your side by punting this guy. You hear Web-Web say, “Oh… Yeah. That makes a lot more sense. Come on, you could have told me.”

CAMERON: And then we get the camera shot of Tink looking over the ledge so that we can see that it’s only 15 feet and that the pause when he was falling was way too long.

NICK: But the guy is sprawled out really dramatically, like the end of Die Hard. (laughs)

LAURA: There would also be a Xianna wave, of “’ello Tink!” Heh.

HUDSON: Yeah, Web-Web says you could have told me and I say, “I dropped very strong hints!”

(laughter)

NICK: “Fair enough.” So that was that. Lackeys are very dead. Tink’s in the middle of the room. Karma is still in the hallway. Xianna is still in the hallway. The Zabrak in the Mon Cal navy uniform pulls their blaster pistol, looks around, you can see a decision come to their face, and shoots at Tink. That’s going to be three greens. They are competent. Flip me a dark side point to upgrade one of those to a yellow, and they are at medium range. They’re on the far side from him. Hmm, I want him to aim, too.

CAMERON: Two successes, two threats.

NICK: Huh. The same thing happens with this person. They have now loudly declared sides with their gun, but they do… What’s a light blaster, 5?

CAMERON: A light blaster is 5.

NICK: Okay. You’ve got 7 damage coming at you, Tink, minus your soak.

HUDSON: Four?

NICK: Yeah. Your soak is 3?

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: Four damage, and they already aimed so they’re basically just gonna crouch down in place, but just for flavor because they can’t take cover, because that’s what they’re doing. Up next we have the stormtroopers. They come around the corner and they immediately see Karma holding the bounty hunter badge and the four of them take very obvious military positions against the walls and start covering each other as they work their way forward. The one with the orange pauldron, because there’s always one of those if you need one of them to talk, comes up behind Karma and says, “Bounty hunter, report. What’s going on?”

CAMERON: “A group of green Gigorans have taken over the Mon Cal ship. We hailed the captain, spoke to him, he was shot down, he’s over there by the chair. Their leader seemed to have been the green fellow there who’s taken out. The white Gigoran is on our side. The purple Twi’lek is on our side. I think everyone else in the bridge is not on our side, our side being the non-pirate side, sir.”

NICK: We get a shot of the stormtrooper captain looking at Xianna who’s still against the wall and nods at her.

LAURA: She waves.

CAMERON: “Obviously the other stormtroopers are also okay, I assume.”

NICK: You can’t see his face, but he’s rolling his eyes a little bit inside his helmet.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Just wanted to be clear. (laughs)

NICK: “Yeah… Copy that.” He makes a hand motion. “Clear the room.” The four of them start charging in and they just start laying down fire like crazy. Two of them are gonna shoot at Web-Web, two of them are gonna shoot at Tink, so that’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: (laughing) Sorry buddy, I tried.

NICK: You’re a Gigoran!

CAMERON: I said the white one was on our side!

NICK: Yeah, but he doesn’t really listen to you.

LAURA: Yeah, but they’re stormtroopers.

NICK: They’re Nazis.

LAURA: (laughs) They’re space racists.

NICK: They’re still assholes. Yeah, a green and a yellow versus two against Web-Web.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: Great. They shoot Web-Web. Web-Web’s in bad fucking shape.

CAMERON: Sorry Twitter family.

NICK: Oh no, Web-Web’s gonna fucking make it, Web-Web’s just not doing well. Web-Web may come back with a robot face or something, I don’t know.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Ah…

NICK: And then a green and a yellow at Tink.

CAMERON: One success, one threat.

NICK: Okay. That’s 6 damage going at you Tink as they basically just shoot you in the chest, because you’re still standing in the middle looking triumphant. “We got the Gigoran, sir!” That is their turn. The captain is just like a proud papa right now. He’s not engaging. Ziller’s unconscious, and… character slot.

CAMERON: I guess I’ll shoot the Zabrak, since I’m on stun and he’s still standing.

NICK: Sure. Black die for the smoke that I’ve been forgetting to include.

CAMERON: Blue die for the aiming. So far I think it’s anybody who’s been wearing a helmet hasn’t had to deal with the smoke, because magic helmet viewy things.

NICK: That does make sense. Oh no, those helmets filter smoke, they don’t filter poison.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Sorry, that’s just… Star Wars… Anyway.

CAMERON: Anyway. Is he at medium range from me?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okie-doke.

NICK: That’s a lot of threats.

CAMERON: Two successes, two threats, so that is 11 stun damage.

NICK: Yeah. You shoot him, he flies backwards, and there’s a long pause… and then you hear (WHOMP). You blasted him off of the bridge, but remember this is the Gonzo director we hired for just this arc, so this guy flies backwards.

CAMERON: Oh, that’s true. Yes. He goes flying!

LAURA: This one has had multiple reshoots, has changed directors three times, one of them was a kung fu director.

NICK: (laughs) We are way over budget.

CAMERON: The first time we shot this it was a very different fight scene.

NICK: It was all gritty hand-to-hand.

LAURA: That’s why some of them fly way back, because they hired a kung fu movie director for half of it. They do that full pull line fly.

CAMERON: Well, they didn’t want to pay the stunt men to do it again less intensely, so like, it works.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Mm-hmm. That was you. Zabrak is out you assume since he fell off and there was a flump and then you didn’t hear anything. Now the stormtroopers are coming from the other side. They clear the room. They actually chuck a stun grenade in there, so roll me two greens and a yellow versus hard, because they threw it from far away, and a black die because they’re not really looking at what they’re throwing at. They’re doing the breech and clear thing.

CAMERON: Stormtroopers are good at their job. Three successes, a triumph, and two threats.

NICK: Holy cow. I’m gonna go ahead and activate the blast on that stun grenade.

LAURA: Blast is, for two advantages, each character engaged with target suffers damage equal to blast rating and successive.

NICK: They threw it at Tink. Web-Web is far enough away that they’re not gonna get hit with it. Engaged is really close. Man, the blast radius on those kind of stinks.

LAURA: I mean, engaged is kind of what you make it. All the range bands are kind of what you make it.

NICK: I agree. I think it hits everybody in the room.

CAMERON: I think everybody else is unconscious or dead besides Tink.

NICK: So, Tink will take the full stun damage, Web-Web will take the blast. I’m not trying to take Tink out with one stun grenade.

HUDSON: It wouldn’t take me out. It would hurt real bad, though. That’s 8 damage I put down.

CAMERON: It would go against your strain, though, if it’s a stun grenade.

HUDSON: Yeah, that’s why I’m saying it would still be 5 damage.

NICK: It still reduces by your soak, too. Tink takes 8 stun damage. You hear Web-Web’s cursing get really weak from behind the panel that they’re hiding behind. The stormtroopers start to file into the room and clear things. I am actually going to put my last little trump card in here. There’s some blaster fire from behind the stormtroopers and two of them drop with just smoking holes in the back of their helmets, so they are down. You can hear a mechanical voice indistinctly coming from there. Someone else is shooting at the stormtroopers. Up next is a character slot.

LAURA: I think Karma already shot. Who’s left?

NICK: Web-Web maybe, you can’t see them, and Tink, and then a bunch of stormtroopers shooting at everybody that’s moving.

LAURA: Huh…

HUDSON: I could go with and run out of there.

CAMERON: They’re just gonna shoot you if you run. (laughs)

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: True.

NICK: There are ways to make them stop shooting you.

HUDSON: Yeah, dying.

(laughter)

NICK: Search your feelings.

LAURA: Can Xianna move to the next door on the other side of the bridge? How far is that?

NICK: You could do it in two movements.

LAURA: Okay. Xianna will use her maneuver and then her action to move that distance and be against the wall on the other side of the door so she has some cover from that section, and while she’s running through there she wants to point at Tink and go “He is with us! Please do not shoot him!”

NICK: Hmm. I feel like… Okay. You can hear indistinct com chatter through the helmets, and that combined with the fact that two of them just got murdered, they turn around and the other two throw their backs against the opposite side of the door from you and they’re looking around the corner. The other stormtrooper captain has two blaster pistols drawn and is just cowboy dual wield shooting down the hallway. You actually can see with your scanner goggles on, there’s a Gand bounty hunter splattered, half covered in green blood, that doesn’t look like it’s theirs.

LAURA: Ew.

NICK: It’s just basically… You know Bullet Tooth Tony from Snatch, just doing that indistinct grumbling while trying to kill people thing from the hallway? It is very unhappy right now. That was you. Another character slot.

HUDSON: Ugh… I don’t feel great. I don’t have any weapons and there’s no one else to hurt.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: You have a knife.

HUDSON: I have a knife?

NICK: Yeah. Didn’t you give—Oh no. They never gave you your weapons. (laughs)

HUDSON: They never gave me my weapons.

LAURA: So, just put your hands up. (laughs)

CAMERON: When he was kidnapped he had a knife. They did not give him his knife back when they sent him onto the ship.

HUDSON: Nope. I get on my knees and put my hands up.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) They all stop shooting you. You can hear the stormtrooper captain that’s near Karma go “Oh. Whoops.” Heh. We move on to the next slot. Some things happen… and those people are all dead. I think what happens is the stormtroopers from the far side of the room move in a scary wave to the same door Xianna is. One of them tries to plant their elbow on your shoulder to do the squad covering tactics thing, so we get this cool shot of into the doorway and it’s just surrounded with stormtroopers and also Xianna looking mildly confused.

LAURA: Xianna would definitely turn around and just be like, “Oh~? How are you~? Heh.”

NICK: “Doing fine. Let me shoot this Gand real quick.”

LAURA: “Okie!”

NICK: And they all (blast noises), and they just riddle him with blaster fire. The Gand slumps back against the wall and leaves a gross, green streak down the wall, but it’s not down. We get the shot of that Gonzo stormtrooper captain with the two pistols walking up to the Gand, and the stormtrooper captain says, “bounty hunters,” and fires. The Gand flips the stormtrooper the middle finger. “Stay down!” He fires, and the Gand starts cursing in Gand, and (repeated blast noises).

LAURA: “Oh wow. He will just not die.”

(laughter)

NICK: And then the Gand finally slumps to the ground, there’s a clatter of guns, and that will end combat. Everything’s mostly down at this point. Karma… You haven’t seen the Gand yet. You’re still in the room. Never mind there. So, the room is cleared, you got a bunch of stormtroopers, Gand is down. You have eight stormtroopers, two of which are captains.

CAMERON: Karma’s going to put her badge away and stand up from where she’s been crouching next to the door and saunter onto the bridge.

NICK: Okay. You can see Tink still kneeling there with his hands in the air saying ‘they didn’t give me a weapon! I don’t know what’s going on!’ Then you see a puddle of blood and then an open hatch in the base of a computer panel with a narrow crawlspace, like very narrow, and a streak of blood going into that so someone must have climbed through there, then a bunch of bodies including two dead stormtroopers. The rest of the stormtroopers are a combination of covering the doors and each other and a couple of them milling around, and the two captains are talking but you can’t hear them because they’re doing it through radio, so you just get this pantomime of two stormtrooper officers gesturing at each other waving their arms around kind of robotically, but you don’t know what they’re saying.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna approach the two mime stormtroopers who are having the conversation.

NICK: The two captains? As you get close you can very indistinctly hear their voices, but it’s very muffled through the laminate of the helmets.

CAMERON: “Pardon me, sirs.”

NICK: The Gonzo stormtrooper captain who is now very clearly discernable because there’s splatters of green blood on the front of his otherwise white armor. He goes to reach for one of his blaster pistols that are on holsters and the other stormtrooper captain says, “No, she’s good. She helped. We’re fine. Don’t shoot her.”

The other one says, “Agh, bounty hunters.” They acknowledge you.

CAMERON: I start talking primarily to the one who was on my side who just told the scary one not to shoot me. “The reason that I am here is I am after the bounty on the Green Gigorans. They had kidnapped my friend, the white Gigoran,” pointing at Tink who is still on his knees with his hands up, “so we were also retrieving him, but I have a bounty on Engebo 5 for bringing the Gigorans back. Is it alright with you gentlemen if I take just the Gigorans with me?”

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then the blood splattered one says, “We’ll let you collect the bounty if you make it worth our while.”

The other one clonk slaps him in the back of the head and they look mad at each other. “You can claim the bodies when you decide to leave.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Thank you.”

LAURA: I would like to add that the shot’s kind of panned out so that you see all of this but in the background you see Xianna flirting with the one stormtrooper that had used her as a balance, so you definitely see her putting her hand on the shoulder armor and like tracing things and being like… “So, uh, when do you get off? Heh.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: Well…

LAURA: “So, you seem pretty tall for a stormtrooper. Heh.”

NICK: “Well, you know what they say about tall stormtroopers.”

LAURA: “Uh, yes I do.”

NICK: “We get longer grieves on our armor.”

LAURA: “Oh. I was going to say you had very large, uh, penises.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Well that too. You can’t tell because I’m wearing a helmet, but I’m winking.”

CAMERON: I thought it was they hit their heads as they went through doors.

LAURA: Ooh.

NICK: Ooh. That’s very good. At that point the camera is centered on Xianna and this one stormtrooper. The captain—we’ll just call them asshole and not asshole for now.

CAMERON: Capt’in Asshole?

NICK: Capt’in Asshole. Captain Mass’oll

LAURA: So many apostrophes.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: But not Mass’oll… Massle, M-A-S-S-L-E. Not asshole captain says, “Trooper, we’re gonna secure the bridge. Private Longfellow, go with the bounty hunters. Make sure they don’t get into trouble.”

(laughter)

LAURA: (giggling) I was gonna say, if I had my choice it would have been a designation number of 69.

CAMERON: (giggling) It can be both. It can be both.

NICK: (smiling) Yeah, there’s a little serial number under his helmet that says like DK6969.

(laughter)

LAURA: Oh yes.

NICK: The one extra tall stormtrooper salutes over Xianna’s head, because he can just see straight over. “Yes sir!” He basically just attaches himself to you three as a unit and waits to see what you all are going to do.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna walk over to Tink. “Alright buddy, you can stand up.”

HUDSON: “Oh. I think I can…” I struggle a little bit to get up.

CAMERON: I help.

NICK: Yeah, your knee is hurting real bad. The one that was exploded not that long ago.

CAMERON: Like two days ago.

HUDSON: yeah…

NICK: yeah, it’s not in great shape.

LAURA: Do you have wounds or just strain?

HUDSON: Both.

LAURA: Okay. (reluctantly) Xianna would hand you a stim pack.

HUDSON: Yay… So, that heals 5?

LAURA: Five.

NICK: At this point I feel like Tink might need a port for all his stim pack injections.

CAMERON: You just do the dog thing where you pinch his skin, and then you do the shot in it, and then you wiggle it to get it to disperse.

NICK: (laughs) Do you hand it to him? Do you throw it at him?

LAURA: I hand it to him.

NICK: Okay. We get a shot of Tink grabbing that and just like jabbing it into his neck, like ‘ah, that’s the good stuff.’ You’re feeling better. Your ears are ringing a little bit from the stun grenade going off. It’s not a comfortable feeling, but the group is back together, and Ziller is unconscious. You do know that there are three other Gigorans—well, I guess Tink does. You know that there is between three and five total Gigorans.

CAMERON: Yes. It’s around the size of a quartet.

NICK: yeah. They’re still somewhere in the ship.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m gonna go over to Ziller and put a pair of binders on him since he’s still unconscious.

NICK: Good idea. Do you binder him to something?

CAMERON: Yes, to the captain’s chair since he seems so fond of it.

NICK: yeah, that seems capable. He’s twisted around in an uncomfortable position.

CAMERON: Then I pat him down real quick to see if I can find Tink’s knife.

NICK: You don’t find Tink’s knife, but you find a bigger knife.

CAMERON: Oh. He has his battle axe on him, right? Ziller had a battle axe?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I hand you the battle axe, Tink.

HUDSON: Ooh. Thank you.

LAURA: Does he have a com?

NICK: Yes, he does.

LAURA: Xianna takes the com and then goes over to Tink. “Okay, Tink, do you want to pretend to be this Gigoran and you ask the other Gigorans where they are on the ship?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.”

LAURA: “Okie.” Also, was he wearing a translator?

NICK: Yes, because he was talking.

CAMERON: He had one on his head.

NICK: But when he was shouting to you all he had a translator pulled down, because you don’t speak Gigoran.

HUDSON: Can you do the Ziller voice one more time?

NICK: ‘Yeah brother, this is Ziller.’

HUDSON: “Alright. I’m about to get on the coms here. … Hey uh, this is Ziller. Um, yeah, we just had a great victory over here. Where are y’all at?”

NICK: “Yeah, Ziller, you sound different. What do you mean where are we at? You’re the one that told us where to go.” I’m gonna need a Deception check from you. It’s average, these guys aren’t real smart.

HUDSON: Success and a threat.

NICK: “But I guess since you know where we are that’s no big deal. Is the bridge secured?”

HUDSON: “Bridge is fully secure. I just have a sore throat so that’s why I’m sounding like this.”

NICK: “… makes sense. You know, the humidity from that translator you wear all the time is really bad on the vocal cords. It’s cool that you don’t make us wear one, boss.”

HUDSON: “Oh well, you know how much I like you guys. Uh… Yeah. Keep up the good work, soldiers.”

NICK: “Okay! We’re almost done robbing the forward cargo hold, so if you wanna come help carry stuff you can set that self-destruct. Let’s finish this thing up.”

HUDSON: “Actually, stay where you are. Before you carry any more out I want to inspect what you got.”

NICK: “Seems suspicious, but okay!”

(laughter)

HUDSON: “Uh… Over and outie!”

(laughter)

CAMERON: So he had taken his translator off to say this, so we’re just watching him make noises.

NICK: What did we say Gigoran sounds like? Oh! Bus breaks. You just keep hearing bus breaks happen, but a slightly lower bus breaks.

LAURA: Well, a bus and a Wookiee had sex and produced some sort of… Bussiee. Heh.

CAMERON: No, it sounds like a bus and a Wookiee having sex.

LAURA: Ohh.

NICK: (groans)

HUDSON: Okay! I tell the stormtroopers where the rest of them are.

CAMERON: “Tink, you gotta put your translator back on, buddy. We can’t understand you.”

NICK: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Oh sorry.” I put it back on. I tell them where they went, to the front cargo hold.

NICK: Okay. Asshole captain, Massle, Captain Massle says, “Well, we’re securing the bridge, and if you want to collect that bounty you should actually do some bounty hunting. We’ll come by later if they kill you, but you should do whatever you want now. If we leave here they may send more.”

CAMERON: “Roger that, captain.” I skip off the bridge.

NICK: (laughing) Okay.

CAMERON: Karma’s had it. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna does a little goodbye salute to designation number DK6969.

NICK: Oh, he’s coming with you.

CAMERON: He’s coming with us. He’s our assigned guard.

LAURA: Oh! He’s coming with us! So then never mind. He’s coming with. She’s gonna keep talking to him the whole time.

NICK: So, you are headed out. Which way are you going? Are you going back towards the Afternoon Delight or towards the GGG ship?

CAMERON: Towards the GGGs, so heading out the other door.

NICK: Do you want to make a plan with your cadre of troops here?

CAMERON: “It’s that way, right?”

HUDSON: “Yeah!”

CAMERON: I point down the hallway towards the way that everybody came in from, where the Gand is lying, and I see the Gand.

NICK: Yeah. You know this Gand, actually.

CAMERON: Oh no, Bobby. (laughs)

NICK: His name is…

HUDSON: Gandar.

NICK: Sure. Gandar the Immortal is his thing, and you know that his brother, Sandar—You’ve never seen them separated or heard of them separated. You never worked with them closely, they’re just one of those… The ones that if the Empire calls a bunch of bounty hunters to stand on a star destroyer to receive orders to get somebody, they’re usually there. They’re just thug guys, but yeah, they’re tough, they’re real tough. Or they were.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna lean down and… steal all of his stuff now that he’s dead.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

CAMERON: We’re reincorporating it into the bounty hunter profession. He would want someone to take this.

NICK: Roll me a Skulduggery?

CAMERON: “Hey Xianna, help.”

LAURA: Xianna looks over and she’s like…

CAMERON: “Are you busy?”

LAURA: “I would, um, never do anything illegal.”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: “No, I know! I just—“

LAURA: “Is it okay to steal from a dead body? Or to take things from a dead body?”

NICK: “That’s highly dishonorable.”

LAURA: “But is it… Are we allowed to?”

CAMERON: “Yes. The bounty hunter code says that you are allowed to retrieve. I should at least retrieve his personal items to return to his family and drop off at the nearest bounty office.”

LAURA: “Okie.”

NICK: “If you say so.”

CAMERON: “I do, sweetie.”

LAURA: So, she goes over and she helps.

NICK: It’s gonna be hard. You’re going to find stuff, but if you pass the hard check you’re gonna find something cool.

CAMERON: Your Cunning is 4 now, right?

LAURA: Yes. My Cunning was 4. My Agility is now 4.

CAMERON: What is your Skulduggery?

LAURA: It is a 2.

NICK: So is Xianna doing it and you’re just helping?

CAMERON: Yeah. I put the dice pool together so I’m going to roll it, but yeah. Oh no…

NICK: Nuh-uh.

CAMERON: Alright, so it fails with two advantages.

NICK: You’re able to find his blaster rifle which is just next to him.

LAURA: Xianna’s just too busy flirting, and she just…

CAMERON: She doesn’t want to look Good at it, so she’s like ‘oh, I have to be awkward touching the body. It’s dead… I’ve never done this before…’

LAURA: Also, since we’re past the encounter, Xianna’s now coming down off of impact.

NICK: Ooh. That’s gonna be rough.

LAURA: Yes. It’s a black die to Agility, Cunning, and Intellect.

NICK: Oof. You find the blaster carbine. You find 100 Credits. You know that Gands often hide important effects and things inside their natural armor, but this one is mostly soaked in blood at this point and you can’t find it, and you don’t really feel like trying to vivisect him while your bounty is still on the ship, so you kind of just give up on that.

CAMERON: Can I find his badge?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: I’ll just return that to the bounty office so they know he’s out of commission.

NICK: Sure. You do that. You head on down the hallway. This is the same hallway, Tink, that you ran down with Web-Web on your shoulders earlier.

CAMERON: “Was there anything interesting down this hallway, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Not really.”

NICK: He says, ignoring the other Gand that tried to murder him earlier.

HUDSON: “I mean, like, I guess earlier there was this cool… I’ll tell you about it later. There was just acrobatics and we threw them like a football…”

CAMERON: “Did you see another Gand? It’s weird that there’s only one, because his brother should be here too.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I saw a second Gand.”

LAURA: “Okay, but—“

CAMERON: “That wasn’t interesting?!” (laughs)

NICK: As Tink says that, you come to what looks like passenger quarters and there’s a Gand that’s just been completely cut open and splayed out. Somebody took some really intense vibro-knives and went from neck to pelvis and then pulled.

LAURA: “Oh. Ew.”

CAMERON: “Oh my.”

NICK: It also looks like that happened and the Gand kept fighting for a while.

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, they were tough.”

LAURA: “Okie. Let’s move on, then.”

HUDSON: “This is the Gand!”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes, okay, we are moving on.”

CAMERON: “Thanks Tink.” Karma quickly goes over and checks this one out too.

NICK: You’re able to grab the badge pretty easily from the same place, but there’s not really a lot else on this guy. You continue onward. You come to a four-way intersection. In front of you there is a very large cargo hold. You can actually see some GGGs still in there including one of the Gigorans, and then to the right you can see a sealed passageway that looks like it leads to an airlock but is still sealed. To the left there is a long hallway and you can hear the sounds of people rummaging around in there, but you can’t see it.

LAURA: How many people are in the cargo hold?

NICK: You don’t have a full view. You can see a Gigoran and one other person, but from the noises there’s more people but you don’t know for sure, from where you’re at. You could try and get closer.

LAURA: “Tink, do you have your scanner thing?”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I do. Wait… No I don’t. Wait… Let me check.”

LAURA: “Doesn’t it scan for people?”

HUDSON: “Oh. You mean the scanner that scans for people scanners?”

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) Oh gosh!

LAURA: “Yes… the scanner that scans for people… scanner. I don’t know what it is called.”

CAMERON: “His scanner actually only picks up other scanners. That’s why it picks up motion scanners.”

HUDSON: “It’s the Crad Corp EnhanceScan.”

NICK: Scanner.

(laughter)

LAURA: “So does it scan for people?”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Okay. Do you want to use that and tell us how many people are…?”

HUDSON: “If you’ll shut up, I will.”

LAURA: “Wow…”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. He’s gotten so rebellious in like his few hours away.”

LAURA: “You were gone for like… one day.”

HUDSON: “I’m not feeling good! I probably have a concussion.”

CAMERON: “Did you hit your head?”

HUDSON: ‘I mean, when I fell I think I did.”

LAURA: “Do you want any… uh, uh…” She’s half way through that sentence and goes, “um, a bantha cake? Heh.”

NICK: “Ooh. A bantha cake? I used to love those when I was a kid.”

LAURA: She rummages in her pocket and pulls out two bantha cakes.

HUDSON: “Whoa, 69, that might be a special bantha cake.”

LAURA: “No. it is just a bantha cake.”

NICK: “What do you mean?”

HUDSON: “It might be laced with—“

CAMERON: “No, he just means it’s one of the blue ones. You know how they sometimes have the white or the pink ones?”

LAURA: “Oh! He means it is one of those special edition ones and sometimes they are pink instead of blue.”

(laughter)

NICK: There’s the shot of you three talking, it was zoomed in and you were kind of huddled, and when Longfellow started talking it zooms out and you just see this 6’4” stormtrooper standing behind you all slightly awkward.

NICK: “Can-Can… Can I have a bantha cake?”

LAURA: “Oh, of course!” She hands him one of the two. “So Tink, do you want this other bantha cake?”

HUDSON: “No thanks.”

LAURA: “Okay, well I offered. So how many people are in the room?”

HUDSON: “Looks like there are…”

NICK: You fire up the scanner. You can actually see the whole front half of the ship from the range. You can see there are five lifeforms in the forward cargo hold and five lifeforms in the port cargo hold off to your left. Also, the whole ship lights the hell up with motion sensors, especially some really sharp clusters back towards where Karma and Xianna came from and another set of clusters that is, if you’re facing the forward cargo hold, it’s at like 7 o’clock, so somewhere back further into the ship. But yeah, this whole thing is security rigged.

HUDSON: “Oh. You think my scanner did that?”

CAMERON: “Did what?”

HUDSON: “Cause all the lights.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “What…?”

CAMERON: “Can I see that for a second, Tink?” (laughs)

LAURA: “How many people are there?!”

HUDSON: “Okay. There are five people in the cargo hold and five people in the…”

CAMERON: Other one.

NICK: Other cargo hold.

HUDSON: “…on the other cargo hold.”

LAURA: “Ugh. I don’t want to have to get ten people. That is too many.”

HUDSON: “I mean, we don’t have to.”

LAURA: “What are we even doing here again?”

CAMERON: “We are getting the Green Gigorans… gregariously?”

HUDSON: “The Triple G, yo.”

NICK: At this point the stormtrooper tilts his helmet up to above his nose and starts eating the bantha cake. You see this amazing male model chiseled jaw with a little cleft. The bottom of his nose looks strong. He smiles and has perfectly white teeth.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) yes!

NICK: (deep, suave voice) “Oh, well thank you so much for this bantha cake.”

LAURA: Yesss~!

NICK: “It sure brings back those nostalgic feelings from my childhood in my privileged home.” And then he slides the helmet back on.

(laughter)

LAURA: (grinning) Oh well, uh… You are welcome. Heheh.”

NICK: (return to standard, nerdy, muffled stormtrooper voice) “That was very kind of you.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes, um, heh. Well, anyways, I do not want to have to get ten people. That is a lot of work and I’m tired…”

CAMERON: Karma pops her neck and looks at Tink. “We got this? You got an axe now.”

HUDSON: “I do.”

CAMERON: “Don’t get hit.”

HUDSON: “Uh… When do I ever want to?”

CAMERON: “I was just warning. I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Okay, well…”

CAMERON: “It looks like you have not been following that advice, so I’m just providing it again.”

HUDSON: “(huffs) Sometimes even when you want to not get hit you get hit, and I’ve learned that through experience.”

CAMERON: “Do you want another gun?”

HUDSON: “yeah, I’d love one.”

CAMERON: I hand him the carbine. (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I have a grenade.

HUDSON: “Now where’s the trigger on this thing?”

(laughter)

NICK: Oh gosh. Tink’s holding it, kind of aiming up and asking that, and hits the trigger and it goes (pew-pew) into the ceiling. Luckily you’re far enough down the hallway that it blends in with the general rummaging so you don’t tick them off.

CAMERON: “Hey, you found it.”

HUDSON: “Alright. I think I can shoot this thing now.”

CAMERON: “I would say go for your axe first.”

HUDSON: Alright. I strap the gun to me.

CAMERON: “Just carry the carbine so I don’t have to carry it.

HUDSON: Wait, can I do that?

NICK: You can, just where?

HUDSON: I thought I had it across…

NICK: Do you want it on your back or in front of you?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: When you said it that way, I was like you’re big enough to strap this rifle to your leg.

CAMERON: Like normal people would put a light blaster, he’s just got a carbine there.

HUDSON: (laughs) No, on my back.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: “Let’s do it!”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

NICK: “Are we just charging in or what?”

LAURA: “I guess.”

CAMERON: “No, we’re sneaking.”

LAURA: “Oh, we are sneaking. Okay.”

HUDSON: “I thought we were just charging in.”

CAMERON: “Well Tink, you can, because they think that you’re on their side, because they kidnapped you. We cannot.”

HUDSON: “Ohh… Do we have grenades?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “I literally just said I had grenades.”

HUDSON: “I don’t remember you talking… at all. Which kind of grenades do we have?”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “The frag grenades. The ones that go explode.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Why don’t we just use those? What if we just throw all of them in there?”

LAURA: “I have three.”

CAMERON: “How much damage do y’all really wanna do to this ship?”

HUDSON: “I just wanna get them killed and over with.”

LAURA: “I don’t, um…”

CAMERON: Karma looks to trooper Longfellow. “Do you have an opinion on this, on how this ship remains intact?”

NICK: “I mean, the captain’s dead, so as long as you don’t vent atmosphere and throw people into space I don’t really care. I’m sort of the rebel of the patrol. I like to get results.”

LAURA: “Okay.” I hand Tink a grenade.

CAMERON: “I can respect that.”

LAURA: And I take one too.

CAMERON: Alright.

HUDSON: “Let’s go. You know what, thinking about it more… This concussion, I go back and forth.”

LAURA: “Tink, I already handed you one. You better use it.”

HUDSON: “Whoa. I’m already off the grenades topic. Thank you for the grenade.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “If you are not going to use it hand it back.”

HUDSON: “No, I’m going to use it, maybe. First we gotta sneak there, and then I’ll come out of sneak mode and be like ‘sup everybody,’ and then—“

LAURA: “And then we throw the grenades. Got it.”

CAMERON: “Or—“

LAURA: And Xianna starts sneaking forward.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: (smiling) Okay.

CAMERON: Karma just waves everybody else forward. (laughs)

NICK: Stealth check, please.

LAURA: Difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: Karma got one success and an advantage.

NICK: Great. Are you trying to post up in the doorway again?

CAMERON: Yup. Worked well for me last time.

NICK: How convenient that the ship has ledges in front of all their doors that are about the width of karma so that she can sneakily take cover.

CAMERON: It is very convenient.

LAURA: One success.

HUDSON: Uh… Two triumphs…

LAURA: What?!

CAMERON: Holy shit!

LAURA: But no successes in those triumphs.

(laughter)

HUDSON: …and two failures, I guess.

LAURA: No, no, those failures cancel. That’s why these don’t have successes is because of this.

HUDSON: So straight up two triumphs. (laughs)

LAURA: But no successes in them.

NICK: Oh no… We need to play a game where the solution is just like flipping coins or something.

LAURA: (laughing) Like it would be any better than this.

NICK: Goodness. Were you trying to do a stealth check?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay. You fail the fuck out of the stealth check.

HUDSON: That doesn’t matter for me, though.

NICK: It doesn’t.

CAMERON: He walks in like he owns the place.

NICK: Or you try to stealth and just kinda keep walking past where everyone else takes cover? Longfellow stays back a little ways. He knows he’s not sneaky. He plays to his strengths. He’s, uh, kind of a cool dude.

HUDSON: Smooth operator.

NICK: Yeah… Anyway. You crouch and you’re being pretty sneaky, and then you look up and realize you’re standing in the middle of the room. You just kept going. With your triumphs, one of them I’m going to suggest that you do it on their ‘oh hey, it’s our slicer friend. Look, he got a vibro-axe, as is his cultural right.’

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. They’re not gonna recognize it’s Ziller’s. So you’re there, you’re in the middle, you could engage with any of them. you see there are four Humans and they’re basically just piling the crates in the corner because Ziller told them not to move them yet, and there’s one Gigoran who is doing the same thing but with bigger, heavier crates by himself, moving them.

LAURA: Get them all standing next to each other, or make them like once you walk in they all stand next to each other.

HUDSON: Oh…

CAMERON: They all come over to greet you.

NICK: If that’s what you would like to do.

HUDSON: “Oh man, guys, my stomach… I need to visit the little Gigoran’s room. Stay right there.”

NICK: “Well, but you just got here.”

HUDSON: “Nope, nope, it just hit me, hit me like a ton of bricks… Bye.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: They look confused, and they all kind of cluster together, and you can hear them from the doorway being like “man, that was kinda weird, right? I know he’s the new guy…”

HUDSON: I run away far enough and throw the grenade.

(laughter)

NICK: With the way that’s set up, if you want to throw multiple grenades at once, assuming that you get enough to activate blast two should take out this whole group.

LAURA: I’d be throwing one and Tink would be throwing one.

NICK: Yeah, but if you want to throw in unison and try to do it, then yeah you can go ahead and do that. We don’t need to do initiative for this.

HUDSON: “Xianna, now!”

NICK: (laughs) ‘Who’s Xianna? I don’t know what he- Did he look concussed to you?’

CAMERON: It just sounds like all these Humans are talking to this bus.

NICK: The Gigoran doesn’t really grace them with his conversation.

LAURA: Can we be short range? I’m imagining if they were talking to him…

NICK: Sure. If you’re using triumphs to position people they can be short range. That’s fine. I do want to flip a dark side point though to flip it to a red, because if I can get a despair out of this I will absolutely do it. … Nope. Dang.

LAURA: One success, one advantage for me.

HUDSON: Does mine get upgraded to a red as well?

NICK: Yep. Flip me another dark side point, please.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Easy. … Uh-oh.

HUDSON: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. This happens very quickly. They throw their grenades. I think the Humans scatter. Xianna is able to plunk the Gigoran in the chest. It blows up and…

LAURA: Nine damage.

NICK: Nine damage takes him out. Wait… No, it doesn’t. He would have soak. So, it hurts him real, real bad. He’s still standing. The Humans all kinda scatter out of the way. They are discombobulated. The other grenade sails over his head and blows up a crate, and with the threats, the crate is full of sulfur which ignites and just starts pumping noxious gas into the room. That seems bad. Karma and Longfellow can get a shot in here. We’re gonna do it like a sort of informal initiative because this is mostly cleanup. You already took Ziller out.

CAMERON: Short range, taking a blue die because I’m aiming, taking a blue die because they haven’t gone in combat yet, because I’m remembering it this time gosh darn it. Gonna do eeney-meeney-miney-moe and I shoot one.

NICK: You’re shooting at the Humans?

CAMERON: I’ll do the Gigoran. He’s the one I’m technically after.

NICK: Are you shooting stun?

CAMERON: I’m still stun. Well, wait, hold on. They were all dead or alive, and he just took a… Yeah, I’ll flip it.

NICK: Ooh. Okay.

CAMERON: This Gigoran’s gonna get it.

NICK: Karma’s getting irritated.

CAMERON: This is taking too long. Three successes and an advantage, so that is 12 damage.

NICK: Nice. That takes down the Gigoran and two of the guys leaving two remaining. We’ll just resolve it cinematically, because it’s more fun that way. The grenades go off, there’s an explosion, the hull starts to fill with noxious gas. Longfellow goes running into the room and does a baseball slide and fires and takes down the other two with clean shots, and then puts his E11 blaster on his shoulder and says, “Well, that wasn’t too hard.” As he’s doing that, the gas is starting to fill the room and he coughs a little bit, and then you see (laughs) the camera rotates dramatically to be from his perspective and walking behind you all towards the ship are two more Gigorans carrying a really big crate of stuff that’s just piled high with safety deposit boxes. They look to see you all, and then we get a freeze frame, and for this one I’m gonna need a Cool check to see who draws first in this situation. They are engaged range with Xianna and Karma, and they are medium range from Tink and Longfellow.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty for me?

CAMERON: None.

NICK: Cool check is just competitive.

CAMERON: Karma is two successes and an advantage.

LAURA: Two successes, two advantages.

HUDSON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: For the Gigorans, roll me two yellow dice please.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Bleh. For Longfellow, roll me a yellow and two greens. He’s fairly competent.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Ooh. Alright. He’s gonna go first. He basically sees them, and Xianna and karma you see it look like he’s suddenly aiming at you all, and then he tries to double tap and shoot over your shoulders. Roll me a yellow and a green versus average difficulty, but upgrade the purple to a red, flip my last dark side point there. Is it my last one?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Yeah. I kept a good count in my head.

CAMERON: Did he aim?

NICK: Yes, he did. Fairly confident, this Longfellow.

CAMERON: One success, two threats.

NICK: That’s what, 12 damage?

CAMERON: Carbine is 9.

NICK: Okay, so it’s 10 damage. He double taps, it goes right over Xianna’s shoulder. This is the Gonzo director so her lekku blow in the wind from it.

CAMERON: The camera follows the blaster bolt as we go over it and we see her head tails ripple as it goes.

HUDSON: Six lens flares.

(laughter)

NICK: She turns dramatically to see one of the Gigorans took both blaster bolts to the forehead, and there’s the loud (clunk), it’s the sound effect from when they drop Han Solo in carbonite, where it’s just that super loud, no bounce thud, as they drop the case and safety deposit boxes start to slide down out of the big crate and pile over on the now dead Gigoran. Xianna’s up next, which is thematically appropriate since she turned around.

LAURA: I’m gonna grab my blaster and shoot them. I have Quickdraw with that one.

NICK: Cool, and it’s close range. Well, engaged is what I said, but same difference.

LAURA: Three successes, one threat, so total damage will be 9.

NICK: Oh, you almost get him. You quickdraw, shoot him twice, pause dramatically, and he stumbles backwards and drops the other side of the case, and then starts to roar and comes at Xianna with his vibro-axe. Roll me a green and a yellow at that difficulty, see how he does.

LAURA: Black die; I have 1 Range Defense.

NICK: This is Melee though.

LAURA: Also melee.

NICK: Great.

LAURA: yes.

NICK: Well there you go.

LAURA: Works both ways!

NICK: You tricked me.

CAMERON: One of all of the defenses. … Fail, with one advantage.

NICK: Okay. His advantage is he’s moving quickly enough that he’ll be a little bit harder to shoot. Whoever attacks him next will have a black die. Xianna, how do you dodge this rampaging Gigoran with a giant axe?

LAURA: I drop and roll.

NICK: Okay. Do you roll through his legs?

LAURA: Oh yes. That sounds a lot more fun. I was just gonna drop and roll off to the side, but through the legs sounds much more fun.

NICK: You do that, and we get a confused noise, and then it’s Karma’s turn.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna shoot him.

NICK: makes sense.

CAMERON: If we’re engaged mine is harder now again, so I’m back up to average, because short is one?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: He hasn’t gone yet this encounter?

NICK: yes he did, he attacked Xianna.

CAMERON: Oh dang it, he just did, that’s right. Well, he missed and it as just so spectacularly a failure that I forgot that he went.

NICK: I mean, it did serve to basically show how cool Xianna was more than to do anything, so that makes sense.

CAMERON: Four successes.

NICK: Yeah. How do you kill this guy? Or do you switch back to stun?

CAMERON: No, this guy is unfortunate in the fact that I just killed his friend and saw someone getting shot behind me and just turned and did not flip it back, so that’s just 13 death damage.

NICK: Good old death damage.

LAURA & CAMERON: Death damage.

NICK: That was my favorite bounty hunter. Okay, so how do you kill this guy? (laughs)

CAMERON: Okay? (giggles) Karma probably sees the shot go by and Xianna turn, and then turns and this guy is just right there and basically just shoots him point blank.

NICK: Okay. he flies backward and slams into a wall and it dents in a little bit, because that’s just how this thing is going.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And they drop. Everybody that you can see is down. The far cargo hold has fallen silent as if there are some people hiding in there who don’t want no more. You are now free to move about the cabin.

HUDSON: “Let’s get out of here.”

CAMERON: “I need to pick up all of my Gigorans.”

HUDSON: “Okay. Need any help?”

CAMERON: “Yes please. (laughs) I can’t carry all of them.”

LAURA: “We could get the cart that they were using for the deposit boxes, put them on it.”

CAMERON: Okay. Let’s load it up with Gigorans.

NICK: You throw the three Gigorans onto the cart.

LAURA: Xianna wants to make a show of helping picking up one of the Gigorans, the one that got buried, and she wants to try to get a few of the safety deposit boxes underneath them.

CAMERON: Oh, see, Karma’s just tossing them on top. Karma doesn’t even care anymore.

LAURA: Xianna just wants to make sure there’s a few, or if they have little pouches get them in the fur, and stuff a few in there, surreptitiously.

NICK: Okay. That sounds like Skulduggery to me.

CAMERON: Can she have a blue die? Because I’m not not helping?

NICK: What?!

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: I’m not not helping.

LAURA: She’s not not helping~!

CAMERON: Yeah, like the case where… I see it happening and I’m just putting people on top and not…

NICK: Don’t care?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: So, I will give you a blue die too, because you’re trying to keep DK6969 from seeing, right?

LAURA: yeah. I just don’t want him to see it.

NICK: So, he ran back out and slammed dramatically into the wall next to the dent where the Gigoran was and is aiming down the wall, bracing himself, covering you while you load it up. ‘I’ll make sure nobody else comes by.”

LAURA: “Oh, thank you~”

NICK: He’s looking away from you, so you get a blue die for that.

LAURA: What would the difficulty be?

NICK: Average is fine. Ooh, wait. I have a proposal for you. You can keep that roll, or the harder you make the difficulty the better shit you’re going to find. If you want to keep it average and you want to do that amount of successes, that’s fine. You can roll for hard and find cooler shit, or you can roll for daunting and find some really cool shit.

LAURA: I’m going daunting. Let’s see how this works. Ugh! That was almost a triumph. Okay, so two successes and one threat.

NICK: Nice. The threat is Longfellow is looking up and down the hallway and see’s something. “Hey, what are you doing over there? Load them up. Let’s go.”

CAMERON: “Sorry, the axes are sharp. We’re just being careful.”

LAURA: “I am very small and they are so big.”

(snickering, laughter)

NICK: Jesus.

CAMERON: He’s really into that.

NICK: He is, but he also like… When the helmet’s on he’s a little more blustery. You can tell he’s flushing through the helmet and he nervously snaps back to cover the hall. You can tell he’s trying to look cool.

CAMERON: The helmet turns slightly pink.

NICK: Yeah. You get the little chibi blush circles.

LAURA: The little anime (laughs) on the helmet.

NICK: Yeah, the slashy lines. You grab quite a few safety deposit boxes and a couple of the long boxes that look like necklace cases. I’m just gonna put five-star haul and we can talk about that later when you count up your loot at the end. So, you’re able to get that up, you push it back, you get back to the bridge and the troopers are still guarding but Karma waves at them and they wave you through. Do you toss Ziller onto the cart, too?

CAMERON: Yup. Uncuff him from the chair, just cuff him back to himself.

NICK: Okay. Yeah. You have this big pile. The cart is grinding on the ground a little bit at this point. It’s really heavy. The repulsers are still helping, but you’re definitely getting the (grinding) noise as you shove it along. Tink is having to lean into it and help. Is there anything else that you’re looking at as you leave the ship, or are you just headed back to the Afternoon Delight?

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna go over and look where she saw the blood trail earlier leading into the cabinet.

NICK: Okay. What are you looking for?

CAMERON: Something in the cabinet. (laughs)

NICK: Okay, so just because you saw it earlier… You kneel down and look into the cabinet. We get a cool shot of all your head tails down on the ground and pooling like hair, and it looks really cool. There is an access hatch there that seems to go into the depths of the sip. It’s very small. It would fit maybe a medium sized dog. Something went in there, but you can’t see where it went. You might be able to fit, but it would be pretty tough.

CAMERON: Okay. I close the cabinet back up.

LAURA: “What was in the cabinet?”

CAMERON: “It’s empty.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay.”

NICK: We also get a really brief shot of “DK6969, reporting back, sir.” The captains both salute and he salutes and they start exchanging information.

The not captain Massle says, “Well, good job, private. We’ll make sure this is detailed in your record. They didn’t do anything illegal, did they?”

We get a shot of the tall stormtrooper looking at Xianna, and there’s a long pause. “No sir, they did nothing wrong at all.

CAMERON: (giggles) Aww~

LAURA: Xianna’s doing her little wave, just like “oh hello, heh.” Smiles at him.

NICK: He snaps back into formation with the rest of them looking almost identical except that he’s taller.

CAMERON: “Tink, there were only four Green Gigorans, right?”

HUDSON: “Uhhh… I thought there was maybe a fifth one. I know that there were some people from the group that got away.”

LAURA: “This is good enough. They didn’t know how many there were either, so if we’re collecting the bounty we can just lie.”

CAMERON: “True.”

HUDSON: “It’s real fuzzy.”

CAMERON: “Okay.” I start pushing the cart again. “They’re not gonna be able to get back into their ship anyway, so the stormtroopers will take care of them.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. Eh, good point.”

CAMERON: Because we know something that they don’t know, and that’s that they can’t access their ship anymore.

NICK: So you go back to the ship?

CAMERON: Yep.

NICK: Okay. We get a shot of… Oh my gosh. We’re going to camera skip over how you get this heavy cart into the flexible tube that you entered in. we’re gonna skip that bit.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: We just show on the other side where I’m walking onto the ship still pushing the cart with all the Gigorans on it.

NICK: We’re gonna zoom the camera back a couple of fourth walls here to the point where the actors have the cart at the gate and they all look at the director, and the director is like…

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: (laughs) Just shrugs.

NICK: …scruffy guy with blonde, puffy hair and glasses, and he’s looking at you like “Well shit. We’ll just skip that scene. Go back to the ship!”

(laughter)

LAURA: It’s a hover cart! It’ll hover over the fabric!

CAMERON: It’ll hover through the tube!

HUDSON: Movie magic.

NICK: The prop department is like, “Don’t try to put that cart in there. You’re gonna tear it up. We spent a lot of time on that.

LAURA: It doesn’t actually work. (laughs)

NICK: Anyway. We get a shot of the unconscious Gigorans sprawled in the main lobby of the ship, or the one unconscious ones and the three dead ones, and I think we get a shot of Xianna nearby with her just pile of safety deposit boxes starting to crack into them. we see Karma going to the cockpit and start to flip switches and get it running. Tink, what are you doing at this point on the ship as you get ready to take off?

HUDSON: I’m lying on the couch taking a little snooze.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re asleep, arm thrown across your eyes, as Xianna’s… I’m really getting the kid right after Halloween haul.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I imagine they’re in that little main lounge room and she’s sitting on the floor right in front of one of the very long lounge chairs. She has everything piled up in front of her and she’s going through things and opening things up.

NICK: yeah. One of the safety deposit boxes gets cracked open and we get the shot from Pulp Fiction where it’s like…

LAURA: (laughs) Just glowing.

NICK: …just the yellow light on Xianna’s face and the camera’s behind it, and you go ‘ooh~’

LAURA: Her eyes light up.

NICK: You see the Afternoon Delight detach and start to fly away, and then the camera angle pulls out to the Mon Cal cruiser and the big asteroid starts to shift and slide free, and it sets the cruiser into a slow, weird, off-axis tilt, and then you see the YT2400 that the GGG were using detach and start to fly away too… and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Wee!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.

Scroll to top