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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 36:
Mandalore Park

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank everyone who joined us this past weekend at the Tabletop Squadron Virtual Convention, and I’d like to give a special shout-out to Cameron and Michael of Team Those Of Us Who Still Do Not Know Star Wars for now being the two-time trivia show champions. I congratulate you on your win. If you weren’t able to join our Twitch streams, we will be getting the recordings onto YouTube shortly, so be on the lookout for those.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 36! I’m your host and game master, Nick. Actually, on the car ride home from work today, I thought up a really interesting thing to say, like a funny kind of off-the-cuff. I was gonna impress everybody. As soon as I said hello I forgot it, so um…

CAMERON: I’m sure it was very interesting.

NICK: It was really interesting and it was kinda witty and wasn’t gonna derail the conversation but was gonna kind of prop it up and get it going… and it’s gone.

LILIT: Well, I applaud you and your bravery for telling us that you forgot your great idea.

NICK: Mm-hmm. I would like full credit as if I had not forgotten it.

CAMERON: You are… such a clever boy.

NICK: Thank you. … Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you are playing today starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Next up we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

HUDSON: [mournfully] No…

NICK: Perfect.

HUDSON: How will we know which one to shoot?

LILIT: I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: You know the answer to that, Hudson. You shoot both.

HUDSON: Oh… I guess if you can’t decide, that’s the only way.

NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I play HK-67, an assassin droid.

NICK: Um… You just completely broke me on that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: I was like, quick, come up with a witty statement to preserve your GM PC, and I got nothing.

CAMERON: [smiling] He’s mine now.

NICK: I guess he’s yours now. Congratulations. Proud of you.

CAMERON: But I will also be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Oh, that’s a good character. I think that’ll fit well for you in the way you like to play.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Alright. So, before we do a recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: Perfect.


NICK: When we last left off, you all had managed to infiltrate the Mandalorian wilderness with the help of Mills and his strill, Balthazar. You found in the center of a dip in the land some sort of strange facility hidden where they had been told not to go on risk of death or losing their safari license. You managed to talk your way past two Twi’lek guards and find Kettle who is running this facility for reasons unknown and admitted to having collected several parts of the Shattered Force.

Then, you suggested that Kettle needed some sort of significant other and had a brainstorming session of who would be the best romantic fit for her. She enjoyed that for a while and then dropped you into a pit and released a mythosaur, a giant creature that is like a spiked wingless dragon. That’s where we started.


NICK: You all have been dropped through a trap door into this large dirt-covered arena. There are tiered stands behind transparesteel windows that are empty but still have spotlights on them as though expecting an audience that has not yet arrived. The wall up above the stands has lowered and you can see that it was a wall that was dividing Kettle’s office from the rest of this arena, and she and several scientists are watching interestedly as the recording ends, saying:

NICK (as announcer): The terrible and mighty mythosaur!

NICK: A large durasteel grating rides up into the ceiling revealing a massive creature the color of wet sand with horns around its mouth and on top of its head in a ridged back and a long tail. This thing is probably 40 meters long, 30 meters high when it stands up straight on its four legs. It’s huge, stocky, muscular, has massive teeth, and it roars and charges at you. Xianna says…

LILIT: Xianna holds up a hand with a grenade and informs everyone of said grenade.


NICK: Yeah. That’s the last second you have before this creature is charging at you, clearly focused on killing you. I need you all to roll initiative.

CAMERON: Oh dear. Karma rolled two successes and two triumphs.

NICK: Wow!

HUDSON: I have a success and three advantages.

LILIT: One success and two advantages.

NICK: So, starting out with those triumphs, is there anything that you would like to add to the scene? I would say you can either have something extremely helpful built into this arena that might help you with the mythosaur…

CAMERON: So, I think within the floors of this arena are little corridors built out and depressions and little rises to make it to where we could find locations to have cover that this giant monster could not access. I guess kind of like in a gladiatorial arena where there are the multiple levels of things. There’s not a ton of it, but there is some so that we’re not just stuck standing out in the open trying to battle this beast.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s great. We’ll say that the floor has been carved to look like some of the dried lands of the deep wilderness that have been carved by sand and drought over hundreds of years. It’s more of the mythosaur’s native habitat, so it’s comfortable around that, but it definitely gives you all places to hide and take cover and try to maneuver. Cool, great, awesome. Now, could you roll me four greens and a yellow, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, three advantages.

NICK: [chuckling] And one more time?

CAMERON: One success, six advantages.

NICK: Wow, okay.

CAMERON: Do we need to roll for HK?

NICK: Oh yeah, probably. Two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Now that everybody has rolled initiative, including HK and the mythosaur, the order will be NPC, PC, NPC, PC, PC, PC. So, the mythosaur, with its massive speed, is going first.

It charges, stepping nimbly on the flat parts of this scalloped and wind-swept terrain. You all can’t help but notice this interesting detail even though this massive death machine is charging at you. The terrain up-close is obviously synthetic, it’s like plaster an durasteel that’s been made into these shapes, but from a distance it probably looks very convincing, but it can still hold this mythosaur’s tremendous weight. It clearly weighs a lot.

CAMERON: So much.

NICK: So, it is going to attack somebody. Can you all roll a Force die for me?

CAMERON: All of us?

NICK: Mm-hmm!

CAMERON: Okay. Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Roll one more?

CAMERON: Oh no, HK… One dark side.

NICK: Oh no!


NICK: As though by fate, the mythosaur hones in on HK. Could you roll me six green die, please, against two purple? Well, actually, flip my dark side point and upgrade one of those to a yellow.

CAMERON: So five green, a yellow, and two purple?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Ooh goodness. Uh… so that’s 10 damage coming at HK, which is not great. The good news is that’s only half of his health.

CAMERON: [nervous exhaling chuckle]

NICK: Let’s roll up that crit.


LILIT: The 77 on the crit chart is Overpowered. Attacker may immediately attempt another free attack using same pool as the original attack.


NICK: Wow!


NICK: Yep, this thing I think sweeps with a claw, digging up the ground under it, and knocks HK into the air with one claw and rearing back on its hind legs it sweeps down at him with the other. We’ll do another attack.

CAMERON: This is too many dice. On that one we got two advantages.

NICK: Oh, it didn’t hit?


NICK: So HK is somehow able to twist in the air, stunningly agile. You’ve never seen him move like this. It’s like that scene with Spiderman where he dodges the saw blades and twists horizontally. HK is falling towards the ground, he has one arm extended and his two legs are stretched out like he’s gonna do a superhero landing, and then he just smashes face-first into the ground with a hollow clang, but he does not get hit. And it is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I think probably the grenade?


LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: I wish everyone could see Lilit’s de facto nod at that tactical decision.

LILIT: [casually] Like yeah, yeah, grenade…


LILIT: Xianna’s gonna throw the grenade at the mythosaur’s face.

NICK: Wonderful. So uh, here’s the thing. The difficulty of doing Ranged attacks against the mythosaur is three reds and three blacks.

LILIT: Okay! Xianna is going to aim.

NICK: Yeah, fair.

LILIT: Yes. Alright… [laughs] I have a triumph with its success, I have a triumph without a success, and a threat.

NICK: Huh! Interesting. I would imagine that you would like to crit since you hit it and that’s on [fades out]

LILIT: I would like to crit since I hit it.

NICK: Yeah. The other triumph you can either use to add 10 to the crit or you can do something creative.

LILIT: One will go for the crit.

NICK: Okay.


LILIT: A 40 is Stinger. Add a difficulty to next check.

NICK: Okay. So how much damage does this do?

LILIT: Alright… 8 damage. Blast is 6.

NICK: So that’s 14 +1 is 15, if you activated it.

LILIT: Correct. I’m going to spend one of those Destiny Points to activate Soft Spot on my Scoundrel talent tree which is after making a successful attack I may spend one to add damage equal to my Cunning, and my Cunning is 5, so that would be 21 damage points in total.

NICK: Wow, that’s a lot.

HUDSON: [chuckling] It is unphased.

NICK: Well, yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [laughs]

NICK: You toss this grenade up into the air. It’s a perfect shot. It hits it right between the nostrils, somewhere where the scales are very small. Obviously they’re more sensitive. This grenade explodes even larger than you would expect. The fire encases the front of the mythosaur’s head. It roars in anger, and as the smoke clears it’s barely lost a step.

A single teeny-tiny drop of blood drips down, and the camera follows it as it drips from its nose, off of its jaw, and hits the ground. It looks small, but from your side it’s a large amount of blood. Maybe the size of two fists hits the ground and splashes with a sizzle. But, you didn’t do a whole lot. You did hurt it, but not very much, unfortunately.

Up next is an NPC slot, and I think the mythosaur is going to target the person who threw the angry exploding rock at it.

LILIT: Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

NICK: So that’s gonna be six—Basically, it’s so large that it takes a single step and it’s within engaged range of you all. It steps forward and swings a front claw straight at Xianna, and it’s six greens versus two purple. You have some Defense, don’t you?

LILIT: I have a Defense, so that’ll be a black die, and also I’m gonna perform a Dodge incidental.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I’m gonna suffer strain equal to my ranks in Dodge, which is 1, so that upgrades the difficulty of that attack.

NICK: And it also is at increased difficulty because of the crit it had against it as well. But I will say because you rolled a threat that you put enough into the throw and focusing on being accurate that you’re not able to dodge as much as you want, so it will also have a blue die, so that will be a red, two purple, a black, a blue, and six greens.

CAMERON: Five advantages.

NICK: So… Xianna, you’re able to dodge it. It gouges a large tunnel with its claws as you step out of the way which you all slide down into. I’m going to say those advantages are if anyone tries to move out of melee range with it or to get to different position or cover or anything like that, you’ll have to pass an Athletics check to get out of the hole it’s dug for you. Xianna, do you wanna describe how you dodge this giant swipe? Because it’s impressive.

LILIT: Xianna drops down, does a barrel roll off to the side behind a pillar.

NICK: Nice. Very good. Up next is a PC slot.

HUDSON: I look up and I shout at Kettle.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle! Hey! Uh… what’s this mythosaur’s name?

NICK (as Kettle): You have an interesting set of priorities, Tink. That’s really something that I like about you. I like that you can be facing your own impending death after having pissed off one of the most dangerous women in the galaxy and your focus is what the name of this creature is. It’s Experiment 247.

HUDSON (as Tink): Experiment 247… So, I see that you’ve sent us a challenge here. Is there any way that you would reconsider having us battle this particular experiment? Is there one that’s like half its size or something less deadly?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Charm check, Tink, or Negotiation.

HUDSON: I’ll do Negotiation.

NICK: Okay. This is literally a Negotiation, so that makes sense. It’s going to be hard difficulty with two black die, so three purple, two black.

HUDSON: One failure and three threats. I did a mess-up.



NICK: She looks like she’s thinking and she taps her long finger to her cheek. Then Tink, you realize that what she’s actually doing is looking behind you as though buying time for this creature to swipe at you, and that’s when this thing swipes at Xianna who barrel rolls out of the way and steps aside.

Suddenly the ground that you were standing on has been scooped out. It’s like you’re standing in a swimming pool now. You fall through the empty air and fall prone, [dramatic bass noise], at the bottom of this chasm. That was just talking. If you wanna try and do something else, you can.

HUDSON: Okay. I have my vibro-axe, right?

NICK: Absolutely. You’re fully armed.

HUDSON: I would like to run at the mythosaur and try to swipe and cut through its leg.

NICK: You’ve done this before, you realize. You’re having flashbacks to the last time you fought a giant monster. First, I need you to roll a hard difficulty Athletics check to get out of this pit that you’re in.

HUDSON: I have 0 in Athletics. Let’s go! Let’s fucking go!

CAMERON: You’re brawny.

HUDSON: Two successes and an advantage!

NICK: Okay. So, you’re able to climb up out of this hole and charge at this creature. It’s balanced on three legs as it follows through with its swipe at Xianna. You’re acting very quickly and surely, and now you can roll your attack. To Melee attack the mythosaur is two reds and three blacks.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Wow! Good job. How much damage is that?

HUDSON: Eight.

NICK: Okay. So, you swing your axe. You manage to impact with this thing. You’ve hit walls with your axe, you’ve hit space ships with your axe, you’ve hit people with your axe. You’ve hit all sorts of things, and never has it bounced back so forcefully. You feel the vibrations travel up your shoulders, and this thing barely even notices that you have attacked it. We’re onto another PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m going to try to get out of this hole. It was a hard Athletics?

NICK: Okay, so that’ll be a hard Athletics check. Yep.

CAMERON: Just a success.

NICK: Just a success?


NICK: You’re out of the hole. Where are you headed?

CAMERON: I am headed to either… to one of the sides, just moving away so that we’re not all in this one location together.

NICK: Okay, trying to flank it, basically.

CAMERON: Yeah. Trying to spread us out a little bit so that if it just decides to step on one location we aren’t all there.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense. If you spend your extra maneuver to do an additional move, you can make it so that it still can’t reach you in one swipe, that it would have to walk towards you and away from your friends, or if you just do the one move, you’ll be over to the side, it’ll just be able to pick its target.

CAMERON: Alright, I will do two.

NICK: Okay. So where are you running to? What are you trying to do?

CAMERON: I am running over to the mythosaur’s left side. There is one of the little corridors that kind of runs through a hill and it’s kind of like a bird blind where there’s a small little window in this hill so that Karma can see out of it.

NICK: [chuckles] Okay. My, that sounds convenient.

CAMERON: Doesn’t it though?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s like I had multiple triumphs earlier.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense.

CAMERON: I’m going to shoot it.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: Shooting was three reds and two blacks?

NICK: Three reds and three blacks.

CAMERON: Well, so… I have one success, a threat, a triumph, and a despair.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. You hit it. Let’s go ahead and see what damage you do to it first.

CAMERON: Okay, that would be 14 damage, and my gun’s not on stun right now.

NICK: Makes sense. Okay. So, do you wanna roll that crit?

CAMERON: Yeah. An 88 +40.

NICK: Technically it’s +10 because it got crit on by the grenade.


LILIT: Alright, so if the crit is 138, it is Bleeding Out. Suffer 1 wound and 1 strain per turn until injury is healed.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: Perma-damage!

LILIT: Suffer 1 critical injury per 5 wounds beyond wound threshold.

NICK: Interesting. Okay. So, here’s the thing. The blaster bolt does not pierce the scales of this creature. It just scores off and leaves some scoring. How do you… Where do you hit it? What do you do that causes it to start to bleed?

CAMERON: Well, so we’re in Mandalore Park. It’s very important to be able to control your mythosaur, you know, for science. So it has… I guess it’s not a restraining bolt because it’s not a droid, but essentially that same type of thing.

LILIT: It has a bark collar. You know.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Yeah, you know, just a really big bark collar so that it stays quiet at night and you can sleep. But basically so that they can easily knock it out if they need to do any veterinary services to it. [laughs] or get close to it for science. I hit that, so it kind of arcs, and it’s going to just continue to sit there and spark the mythosaur.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Yeah. This thing is genetically engineered and this is part of the construction of the creature, so you manage to hit it somewhere very bad and it is obviously in pain but still very angry.


NICK: It is HK’s turn. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): HK! Are you with me, buddy?

NICK (as HK): Weak Statement: I am still technically functioning but would like to not be hit by this creature again.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, do a Holonet search for the mythosaur’s natural enemies.

NICK (as HK): Instruction from Boss Man acknowledged.

NICK: We’ll just say HK has a Wi-Fi connection. Sure. We’ve never really established that one way or the other. Roll me a Xenology check, Cameron, please. HK’s Xenology is two green dice. We’ll say that it’s an average difficulty check. The mythosaur is a thing that there’s a lot of information about out there.

CAMERON: A threat. [chuckles]

NICK: HK is aiming down the sights of his blaster rifle at this mythosaur, and without looking towards you, Tink, he says:

NICK (as HK): Successful Statement: I have found the main enemy of the mythosaur. What would you like me to do with this information?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would like you to find high-quality audio recordings of that adversary and blast them out of your sound speakers at the mythosaur.

NICK: HK cocks his head, puts the rifle down, and says:

NICK (as HK): There are no existing recordings of the sound necessary, but I will use this artistic rendition.

NICK: HK emits a sound like the gravelly screech of a starship scraping against multiple asteroids that are disappointed in you. Once the sound is completed, the mythosaur turns towards HK. He has gotten this thing’s entire attention.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, your strategy of playing a female mythosaur roar appears to have worked.

NICK: And it’s an NPC slot.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: This mythosaur is going to crush the living daylights out of HK.



LILIT: RIP HK, we barely knew you.

NICK: I would like to flip a dark side point to upgrade this attack. I think that this thing has become so fixated upon HK that it’s going to aim to add a blue die. Also, it gets a blue die from the threat.

CAMERON: Six successes…

NICK: Oh no.

CAMERON: …four advantages.

NICK: [long strained exhale] Okay. So, that does… wow. It does 15 damage which puts HK down below 0.

HUDSON: Oh no.

NICK: It also crits. So, I need you to roll me a crit +10.

CAMERON: That will be a 70.

LILIT: A 70 is Scattered Senses. Gain no boost dice until end of encounter.

NICK: Oh that’s fine because HK’s unconscious. Then, I need you to roll me another crit at +20 because he is unconscious.


LILIT: A 56 is Agonizing Wound. Plus difficulty to Brawn (Agility) checks until end of encounter, which is okay because he’s unconscious.


CAMERON: He doesn’t mind that much.

NICK: I don’t know if HK would agree with you on the “okay.” This creature leans in close. It gets its—It’s head is so much bigger and so much taller than HK’s body. He sways as its nostrils flair as it takes a deep sniff of the droid. HK leans back and you can see a nano-knife extend from his arm. He starts to say something and swing forward, and as he goes to punch this thing in the face a giant clawed foot just crushes him.

It’s like in between frames of a camera. First you see HK there punching defiantly at this creature and then there’s just a foot, and then the foot scrapes away with a scattering of sparks. His chest is caved in. His limbs are at odd angles. The lights on his head are out. He is very, very heavily damaged. You can see, where his chest is caved in, a piece of a central processing core sticking out like a rib that has punched through, and a piece of the Rancor Protocol is even exposed.

HK is in really bad shape. You’re not sure if he’s even alive. Hopefully you can fix him, but you don’t know. Up next is a PC slot.

LILIT: So Nick, what does the ceiling of this place look like? And why does it have a whole bunch of stalactites?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Well, it has a whole bunch of stalactites because that would be part of the native cave structure in which the mythosaur was known to roam. It adds a certain ambience to the display. Because the ceiling does have very large synthetic stalactites all over it. They look almost razor sharp, one might say.

LILIT: Xianna looks up at the very high lofted ceiling in this place and starts to shoot at the stalactites hoping to, at the very least, create a little bit of a barrier between everyone and the mythosaur.

NICK: Alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are you doing? We could have used those to climb out. Why are you shooting them down?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we don’t need to climb out, we need to survive. Look at HK! He is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK is not necessarily dead—

LILIT (as Xianna): RIP HK! We will remember you. F in the chat!


HUDSON (as Tink): No, no F in the chat. HK’s taking a nap.

NICK: A small pitiful spark shoots out of HK’s crushed-in head.

LILIT: Instead of aiming, Xianna’s gonna use a maneuver to quickdraw some impact.


NICK: Okay!

LILIT: Because now one hand is free because the grenade got thrown.

NICK: Yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: So she now has a free hand. She already had her blaster in the other, so… Yeah, quickdraw some impact. That is going to up my Agility. How far away would you say we are?

NICK: From the ceiling?


NICK: Long range.

LILIT: Okay. Can I flip a Destiny Point?

CAMERON: Yeah, we got four of them.

LILIT: Alright, that is one success and four advantages.

NICK: Golly. Would you like those advantages to be that you knock some stalactites down from the ceiling?

LILIT: That’s what I would like my successes to be as well.

NICK: Would you like your advantages to be that you knock additional stalactites down from the ceiling?

LILIT: Yes. I would like to knock as many stalactites down as possible.

NICK: You spray blaster fire up towards the ceiling. These large constructed stalactites are knocked loose. That seems to be some sort of safety issue, but you’re thankful for it at the moment, and they come crashing down. One impales itself into the shoulder of the mythosaur. It roars in rage but still seems to absolutely be looking around for who to attack next. A string of these stalactites fall down in between you and the mythosaur, and Tink and the mythosaur, narrowly missing HK’s crushed body.

You have made a barrier that it will probably have to crash through to get to you and have hurt it. The roar that it did is definitely a much more panicked noise than you’ve heard from it so far and you can see that its shoulder is already stained red with the blood welling up around the now-damaged muscle.

We are to another NPC slot. It’s going to use its turn smashing through these stalactites trying to get to Xianna and Tink. It is tearing with both of its front claws, one stronger than the other, ripping this durasteel and plaster and stone carvings apart to get to you. It does manage to clear most of them away and advance upon you, but it takes quite a while and energy and you can see that shock collar continually going off is still hurting it and is using some of its energy.

So, you have managed to slow it down. That was a very good move. You’ve hurt it very badly. Up next is another PC slot. Are you going, Karma?


NICK: Before you go, you rolled a despair in your last turn, didn’t you?

CAMERON: [sweetly] I did, yes.

NICK: You’ve managed to flank this creature. You found yourself in some very nice cover. This thing is pointed away from you, attacking your friends, shredding these stones, and something, as you look around for what you’re going to do next, that you didn’t think about or maybe forgot about in the action is that this creature also has a very, very large tail. But you’re very quickly reminded of it as the tail smashes through the cover that you’re in and sends you flying. I need you to roll six greens against your defense.

CAMERON: An advantage.

NICK: So, you don’t get hurt. This thing hits you, smashes you, knocks you out of cover, but you’re able to absorb the blow. What does it look like as you’re flung backwards by this tail but not injured?

CAMERON: I feel like when the tail crashes through the cover, along with picking up Karma and flinging her, it also flings a large portion of this little hill that she was hiding in. So, I think Karma’s able to kind of push off of that as they’re both flying to get her body back under control so that she can land and safely roll when she hits the ground. Then there’s just a giant crash of the rest of the hill hitting the ground behind her.

NICK: Very cool. Now that has happened, you find yourself in the free and clear. The tail is recoiling back as the creature continues to focus on your friends. What do you do?

CAMERON: The last thing I saw before getting flung across the room was Xianna shooting at the ceiling and stalactites falling, and that seems smart, so I’m gonna do that too.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Alright, and I am aiming at the stalactites.

NICK: Makes sense.

CAMERON: Four successes, a triumph, and two threats.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to knock quite a few of the stalactites down. I think with the threats you’re gonna have to dodge a couple that are a little close to you.

CAMERON: Yeah, that’s fine.

NICK: Would you like to use the triumph that the stalactites crit on this thing?


NICK: Okay. We’ll say that a stalactite is Vicious 2, so it can be +20, but it’s actually +40 because it’s been crit on twice, so let’s roll that crit.

CAMERON: Question.

NICK: Yeah?

CAMERON: Does my Lethal Blows still count?

NICK: I don’t think so.

CAMERON: Because it’s any critical injury result inflicted on opponent. I’m inflicting stalactites on the opponent.

NICK: That feels like a pretty big stretch to me.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yeah. Okay, I’m fine with just the +40.

NICK: I appreciate that you’re trying, but I don’t think so on that one.

CAMERON: That’s a 60, so it’ll be a 100.

LILIT: A 100 is the one we’ve called Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed or replaced. Plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: So, this particularly large and jagged stalactite crashes down very close to the one that Xianna was able to hit this creature with, and it dislocates the shoulder, and this creature, if it’s attacking with that arm, is going to really struggle to hit things. So I think if it’s attacking with its claws, it has increased difficulty going forward.

It is hurt pretty bad. You all have managed to shake it. The downside is you’ve pretty much cleared the ceiling of these stalactites at this point. There’s some around the edges, but this thing is in the middle—it’s still right up in your face and there aren’t a lot more. You’re not sure if that’s gonna really be able to finish it off even though it did make some progress. Also, I need a hard Coordination check from you, Karma.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: As a couple of the stalactites are crashing towards you.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: You’re able to dodge out of the way. I think you do it so nimbly that you’re able to distract this thing slightly, so whatever the next person does will have a blue die on the check, because this thing got hit by a stalactite, followed them down as they were going towards you, and you’re able to move so quickly that you… kind of like a cat follows movement, this thing is distracted by your quick dodge. Up next is the last PC slot of the round.

HUDSON: I’m gonna flip a light side point. As the stalactites fell, under the ground, it kind of ripped up parts of the ground and uncovered a series of pipes. One of them has a toxic warning label on it and it’s lime green, and I was like:

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s probably something that could hurt a beast.

NICK: Is it a frowny face making a gross face with its tongue sticking out? Is that the logo that’s on the pipe?

HUDSON: It’s the medical hazard sign, more so.

NICK: Okay cool. What are you gonna do with this pipe to poison the beast?

HUDSON: I’m going to take my axe and swing it and break the pipe.

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna say, to hit the pipe at such an angle that it sprays the beast, it’s gonna be a hard difficulty attack.

HUDSON: I would like to aim.

NICK: Great idea. [laughs]

HUDSON: Four successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. I would say that you are able to hit it exactly the way you imagine, and it does exactly what you want it to. What is that, exactly? [laughs]

HUDSON: I try to be really cool about it, so I do like a full-body swing at it, at the angle to hit the beast, and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Spladoosh!

HUDSON: I make it squirt all over its face.



NICK: Okay. What do you think the stuff in this hazardous-marked pipe is? What do you think it does? Is it acid? Is it poison? Is it a hallucinogen?

HUDSON: The concoction that squirts on the mythosaur is something that smells like lavender, is a little bit thick and gaseous, and hits the mythosaur right in the face and makes it really woozy and dizzy and it starts to sway from side to side.

NICK: It looks like a creature that has been tranquilized but is fighting the effects, because that’s what’s happened. It’s stumbling a little, but it continues to swipe at the air. It’s an NPC slot, and it is going to swipe at Tink as hard as it can. That’s six greens against Tink’s defense, which he doesn’t have. Also, flip me a dark side point to upgrade it, please.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

HUDSON: Man, you really wanna hurt us. [laughs]

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: So that’s 11 damage, Tink.


NICK: Minus your Soak.


NICK: This thing, it bats at you and the claws dig into your side as it flings you back away from it, and it makes a low roar as it starts to sink down onto its haunches. It’s to another PC slot. This thing appears to be about to fall unconscious but has not yet done so.

LILIT: I mean, I don’t know what everyone else’s plan is, but Xianna’s plan is to cover her face and try to run for cover.

NICK: It’s probably a good thing. It’s almost like it’s gonna get one more attack at somebody and then pass out, or something.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna’s more concerned with when it passes out, because that’s probably gonna be a real big thud and that’s gonna create some problems in the environment.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Cool. So Xianna, you cover your face and run, I assume? You spend a strain to do a double maneuver to get as far as possible?

LILIT: Correct. I’m assuming that Xianna—her coat collar buttons up in a way that it will cover her face, and look very cool and cyberpunk I guess.

NICK: [chuckles] Yeah. Xianna, with the natural terrain of this arena, you’re also able to slide behind an outcropping of rocks and find more cover as well. It’s another mythosaur slot. Karma and Tink, roll me a Force die please. This thing is having trouble seeing straight but is still very angry.

HUDSON: One light side.

CAMERON: Two dark side!

NICK: It whips around, locks eyes with Karma, and it charges at you because you had cleared some ground and tries to swing at you. It’s gonna be six greens, but it does have an increased difficulty because of its injured shoulder. I would like to flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: I am going to take 2 strain to Dodge, because I have 2 Ranks in Dodge.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So I will upgrade the difficulty of the attack by two.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: An advantage and a despair. No failures or successes.

NICK: Huh, so it doesn’t manage to hit you. I think that you start to backpedal as it gets close and it starts to stagger, and it falls to its knees and gets up and then falls again.

CAMERON: And then it just faceplants into the wall.

NICK: Yeah. You’re able to jump out of the way and it staggers forward and smashes into the wall and collapses. With a solid (wumf), it falls unconscious under the effects of this gas that is slowly filling the arena. Before you all even have a moment to celebrate your victory, from the PA system you hear Kettle say:

NICK (as Kettle): What do you mean there’s incoming fighters? This place should be protected by the Mandalorian Vanguard.

NICK: There’s a long pause and then there’s an explosion that shakes the arena and knocks more of those stalactites loose around the edge of the arena. Xianna, having run for the edge of the arena, one of them does crash unsettlingly close to you.

NICK (as Kettle): Lock the portals. We’ll leave them in there. We have to settle this now.

NICK: And the scientists start to scramble. The wall goes back up, separating her from where you are. You’re stuck in this arena with no audience, and the lights flicker and then turn red like emergency lighting. The announcer voice you heard earlier says:

NICK (as announcer): We apologize for the delay in the show. There appears to be some sort of emergency. Please follow your ushers to the emergency exits.

NICK: You see doors open on the stands, but you’re separated from that by the transparesteel walls and you can’t escape. It looks like someone is attacking Kettle’s base.

CAMERON: Karma runs over and starts gathering up HK.

NICK: One of his arms and both of his legs have been knocked off. His head is twisted around so it’s almost on backwards. You’re able to fashion him…

CAMERON: I have some net for fishing and I fashion a backpack out of it, and then I put it on my back.

NICK: Thank you. Yeah.

CAMERON: But I set it up to where an actor could potentially be sitting up in it and use strings to control the arms. [laughs]

NICK: So, we see Karma hooking HK’s shattered frame into a netting backpack and putting it on. Tink and Xianna are looking over her. Everybody is dusty and worse for wear. Another explosion shakes the arena, dust settling down around you in a fine mist. The announcer voice changes in timbre and says:

NICK (as announcer): Security breech. Security breech. There are trespassers in the facility.

LILIT: Xianna pulls her coat’s facemask down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well this is even weirder now.

CAMERON (as Karma): What are the odds of someone infiltrating the base the same day we decided to infiltrate the base?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, at least one, apparently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Never tell me the odds!

LILIT (as Xianna): We’re a little too late for that, Tink. Also, are you happy? You got to fight a mythosaur. Are you happy now?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… I was actually gonna be polite and not rub it in your frickin’ face that mythosaurs exist, but they frickin’ do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Only because Kettle like genetically engineered and created a new one.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s still a mythosaur. I mean, it’s the same thing as if you take a boat completely apart and then build it back. Is it the same boat?

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh gosh. We don’t have time for that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, if you take a boat apart and then put it back together, it is the same boat.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, but you use some new parts.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that’s not what you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): With some new parts or like all new parts?

HUDSON (as Tink): 89%.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, so 89% new parts?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then it’s a new boat.

HUDSON (as Tink): But, you’re using… It’s in the same place as the old boat.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t just build a new boat where there used to be a different boat and say it’s the other boat. That’s not how that works.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re still using parts from the old boat.

LILIT (as Xianna): But only like 11%.

HUDSON (as Tink): Anyways.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, do you want me to take a picture of you and the mythosaur?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… Tink. Okay. So if a little baby Gigoran was born in the exact spot you were born, and then I handed it your belt, would that be Tink now?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is… Is it named Tink?

LILIT (as Xianna): Sure. Let’s say. Let’s say it is named Tink. Is it exactly the same Gigoran as you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it part of my lineage? Is it from my loins?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s just a different Gigoran born in the exact same spot, but it’s like 11% you because of the belt.

NICK: You all are having this argument as Tink walks to the mythosaur’s head and does like a kawaii peace sign and Karma’s taking pictures.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna’s absolutely taking selfies during this whole conversation.


NICK: We get the snapshot of Tink standing proudly in front of the mythosaur and Xianna off to the side taking selfies, and then there’s another huge explosion that blows one of the walls out. The final shot that we see is the snapshot picture with the polaroid frame and it’s Tink and Xianna ducking from the explosion as dust rains around this sleeping mythosaur, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 35 We Bought A Safari

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 35:
We Bought A Safari

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We have a few announcements today.

First, the 2021 Tabletop Squadron Virtual Convention will be October 8th to 10th. You can find panel information at Regular panels will be free and open to all and will be hosted on our Twitch channel, There will be some after-hours events that are Patreon exclusives. More information on those will be released on our Patreon page closer to the events. There’s also a limited edition con shirt that can be found on our TeePublic store at

The con schedule is not yet finalized, so be sure to check for updates as we get closer. We hope to see you there.

Second, thanks to Dexter for the use of the NPCs Ripper and Doc featured in this episode. You too can submit NPCs by joining the $10 Build-A-Beru level on our Patreon.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 35 – the second season and 35th anniversary of me getting the number of the episode correct every time. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Today we’re gonna go around the table and everybody say who they are and who they’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Perfect. Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I like the implication that we have been doing this for 35 years.


NICK: Oh yeah, anniversary would be an “annual” thing, hence the name, huh?

LILIT: Uh-huh. Yeah.

NICK: Yeah…

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Well, it’s the anniversary of the 35th episode of the second season… 35th anniversary.

NICK: Time is hard.

HUDSON: The inaugural 35th episode of the second season.

LILIT: The inaugural anniversary of the 35th episode.

CAMERON: The anniversary of the 35th… yeah.

NICK: [laughs] Sixty percent of the time it’s the anniversary every time.

CAMERON: [disappointed] No…

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: [cringing] Nuh-uh.

LILIT: Yeah, we started this podcast in 1986.

NICK: Huh!

LILIT: None of us were born yet.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: But you know, we managed. We made it work, you know? #GirlBoss.

CAMERON: It’s called dedication.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: It’s called, you know—

CAMERON: Hustle!

LILIT: Wake and grind. You gotta go get that bread, you know?  Hustle!

NICK: Before we get started with the recap for the episode, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.


NICK: So, last time on Tabletop Squadron, you all made it to Mandalore. You had finished having a lovely sit-down snack and magic show with Tink’s parents, Rhonda and Mossie, and you went to go procure a way to travel out into the Mandalorian wilderness which you discovered the only real way to do that is by chartering a safari.

There was one speeder left, and the only way to get a reservation with the speeder was through a traditional trial by combat, which Karma succeeded at in flying colors, revealing that the Mandalorian you were combatting was actually Mills, a friend that you had met long ago, and you went on a wholesome and educational adventure to see animals in the Mandalorian grasslands. You saw many different animals and you were very excited about this, and then you made camp for the evening, and that’s where we are going to kick it off.


NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight breaking camp the next morning. Balthazar the strill is wandering the perimeter and sniffing. Mills, your guide, is packing the equipment and electric fence back into the speeder, and the crew are standing around in the early morning light waiting for it to be time to leave. What is everyone doing after spending a night roughing it in the grasslands as they wait for camp to finish breaking down?

CAMERON: Eating some breakfast spaghetti, obviously.

NICK: Oh yes, that traditional treat. Is it still good? Has it started to get crispy yet?

CAMERON: Why would it get crispy?

NICK: That happens when you leave spaghetti out long enough.

LILIT: It’s not out. It was in tupperware.

CAMERON: It’s not—Yeah.

LILIT: It was protected.

HUDSON: If anything it would get more soggy.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: So are you all eating breakfast spaghetti? [chuckles]


NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I’m assuming Tink and Karma are eating it out of tupperware, but Xianna is eating it out of her spaghetti pocket.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay, I have questions about the spaghetti pocket and now’s the time to get into it.

LILIT: It’s not solely a spaghetti pocket. Sometimes it’s a soup pocket or, you know, a nerf rib pocket. It can hold pizza. It is a heat… It is a thermal insulating pocket.

NICK: So the question is, though, is Xianna sitting down with the jacket held up by her face, eating with a fork? Have you detached the pocket and are eating out of it like a pouch? Are you using hands? Are you using silverware? Do you keep silverware in your jacket specifically for these purposes? I have to know.

LILIT: Yes, of course Xianna has silverware in her coat. It’s not always the same silverware, but are we gonna act like Xianna doesn’t always take at least a fork from every restaurant she goes to?

NICK: This is fair. This is true.

LILIT: At the very least she’s stealing a fork if not a whole set of silverware and the cup when she goes to a restaurant, especially if it’s a chain restaurant. Duh. So, she has a fork. She would never eat spaghetti with her hands. What even is that question? I feel insulted.


NICK: So, is Xianna just surreptitiously dipping a fork into an inside pocket and then pulling it out with a twirl of spaghetti on it, or… what is the technique here?

LILIT: No, she is very proudly eating spaghetti out of a pocket that is just on the bottom half of the coat. She’s not holding it up to her face or anything, she has confidence in her spaghetti-twirling ability.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: Also, it’s a black coat, so it’s not like it’s gonna stain or anything.

NICK: This is a point.

LILIT: I’m sure it’s also waterproof and non-stick. It’s Star Wars.

NICK: They don’t have washing machines or buttons, so…

CAMERON: That’s true.

NICK: Clothes just have to be indestructible. So, as you are eating your spaghetti and the sun is beginning to rise, Mills finishes packing up the camp and calls to you all from the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, it’s time to go. You ready to continue your, uh, your life-changing once-in-a-lifetime trip through Mandalorian wilderness and learn about animals?

NICK: You can see he’s reading off of a little cue card he pulled out of his pocket to try to hit the main points as a safari guide.

CAMERON: That’s adorable.

CAMERON (as Karma): I am super ready to see some more animals, Mills.

NICK: He nods thanks to you and gestures towards the elevated seats on the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Well, climb aboard, adventurers. Perhaps today we will see the elusive stathas or more Fanned Rawls or other creatures.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m ready-spaghetti.

HUDSON: And I swallow my last piece of spaghetti.

NICK: [smiling exhale] You all climb up into this speeder and you take off. We get another montage of you all riding low over the grasses, occasionally stopping to observe animals in scrubby trees or the brush. You do see a stathas which is like… it’s just a komodo dragon. It’s a komodo dragon. You see a stathas and it’s very cool, and it starts to chase after the speeder. You notice most of these creatures at some point try to kill you, but Mills is an expert of maneuvering.

Around lunch time you’re still continuing. He’s handed out sandwiches for you all and is driving to the next watering hole to see what creatures he can find. I need you all to make a survival check for me at average difficulty.


LILIT: For me, that is three successes and one advantage.

CAMERON: Just one success for Karma.

HUDSON: Two failures.


NICK: So Tink doesn’t notice. He’s a little wrapped up in the memory lane of what him and Sabos had apparently planned for this trip when they were going to go. But Karma and Xianna, you both notice around the same time. The route that Mills is taking isn’t straight.

He had said he was going to bring you into the heart of this grassland to see everything and that you would turn around and come back, but there’s an area in a shallow bowl in the landscape. It’s kilometers wide, but you can tell that he never goes downhill. There’s a part of this reserve that he’s avoiding and he’s trying to do it subtly, but you notice it just from the directions and keeping track of where you are that there’s clearly an area he’s trying not to go to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mills, why are we not going over in that area?

NICK: Mills is driving and you see his head hunch a little between his shoulders. I think you all have little headsets with microphones on them so you can talk over the sound of the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Oh, uh… there’s nothing really interesting over there. Look, this way, there’s more shriek hawks. Remember how—

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No Mills, what is the super cool thing you are hiding from us?

NICK (as Mills): I’m not trying to hide anything. There’s nothing there. It’s like… It’s like a shadowy area. We never go there. You should never go there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that where the petting zoo is? Because you haven’t let us pet any of the animals yet.

NICK (as Mills): You’ve seen that almost all of them are venomous or can spit acid or have massive claws, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I don’t see the problem.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think there’s a petting zoo out here, Xianna.

NICK (as Mills): Karma’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why not?! Why can there not be a petting zoo?

NICK (as Mills): There is no petting zoo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. What do you mean there’s no petting zoo? I want to pet the animals.

CAMERON (as Karma): There could be one on Mandalore, I don’t know, but I think that’s gonna be SEPARATE from the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you not have a petting zoo?

CAMERON (as Karma): So they can charge you more money, obviously.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, but I want to feed some little animals.

NICK: At this point during the argument, Balthazar, the hairless strill, is climbing awkwardly over the seats towards the back. He has six legs, so they’re kind of galumphy and stepping over. They manage to step on Tink’s crotch and get kinda stuck on Karma’s shoulder and it’s very awkward. This giant 200 pound creature is now sitting in Xianna’s lap and rolls over. It’s got all these flaps of skin between its legs and it smells really bad, and it’s panting and looking at you. Like, it’ll take pets.

LILIT: Xianna does start petting it and does pull out a bantha cake from a pocket and starts breaking off little pieces and feeding it.

NICK: Oh, it definitely wraps its toothy maw around your hand and pulls free and you just have one little piece pinched in one hand and a slobbery empty hand in the other and that’s it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?! Balthazar is a good boy, yes.

NICK: As you’re scratching his tummy his leg starts to kick, several of them, and the leg starts to kick where you’re scratching so you pull your hands back so you don’t get hit with the claws and he’s hitting his own kick spot so his legs are just turning into like a Sonic the Hedgehog spinning wheel.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh fuck. Oh no. Oh… oh, oh no. Okay. But Mills, we are obviously not going over to that area, so what super cool thing are you hiding from us?

NICK: Why don’t  you roll me a Charm check? See if you can get Mills to just straight tell you. It’s gonna be a hard difficulty with a black die.

LILIT: Joke’s on you, I have Kill With Kindness which allows me to remove a black die from all Charm and Leadership checks. I’m also going to use my skill Congenial. I can suffer a number of strain to downgrade the difficulty of a Charm or Negotiation check.

HUDSON: Take it all away.

LILIT: So I’m going to take 1 strain to reduce that check to average difficulty, and… that’s all I got. That is one success and two advantages.

NICK: Mills realizes you’re not gonna drop the subject. He looks over his shoulder and sees you… I guess just holding Balthazar, since Balthazar’s basically just scratching himself at this point. He’s got it covered. He turns the speeder down and lands and turns the bucket seat around so that he can look at you and takes his headset off, because you’re not that far away from him, it’s just loud.

NICK (as Mills): Look. There’s some sort of boundary over there. There’s a facility of some kind. All of the safari guides were told to stay out of that area, that it was very dangerous, or we could lose our licenses to come out here. That’s how I’m making my living right now. It seems very under the table, like dispatch is getting paid, we get paid a little. I’m not sure if there’s bandits or black marketeers or what, but I am not supposed to take anybody over there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit. That’s probably where Kettle is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Is that the middle?

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, it’s pretty well close to the middle I would say.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, okay, that’s where we’re trying to go.

NICK (as Mills): Ugh… I really don’t want to take you there, though, is the thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you just have to take us close. We’ll get in the rest of the way. We know the person running the illegal facility.

NICK (as Mills): So, the other thing is what am I supposed to do? Just wait in the area I’m not supposed to be until you get back? I can’t just—

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you wait “outside” the area you’re not supposed to be. Duh.

NICK (as Mills): Okay, you’re gonna need to pay me for this. There’s no way that I just do this and risk losing my job.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Tink, pay him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you not remember my recent betting incident?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma! Karma, do you have money?

NICK (as Mills): Look, we have a long history. I’ll do it for 1,000 Credits. I’ll stay on-call. I’ll come pick you up when you need me to. I don’t want anything to happen to you, but I can’t go back without you because they tend to frown on safari guides going out with guests and coming back with no one. That’s what you call murder.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we can come to an agreement in something that’s not monetary.

HUDSON: And I wink.

NICK: He looks really uncomfortable at that. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you have to stop doing that. It doesn’t mean what you think it means!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, I meant we could, like, have a series of Rock Paper Scissors competitions or a nice crisp IOU that I’ve written down.

NICK (as Mills): Hmm…

CAMERON: Karma already has her wallet out and has been going through it. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma. Karma, do you have 1,000 Credits? Can we expense that? I know you pay taxes. Can you like write that off on your taxes as a business expense?

CAMERON (as Karma): I actually can, yes.


HUDSON (as Tink): We pay taxes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma does. I don’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s part of the requirement for being in the bounty hunter guild. Yeah.

NICK (as Mills): Alright… Fine, I’ll do it, but only because I like you three.

NICK: He glances pointedly at HK and then turns back to the rest of you. So Karma, you give him 1,000 Credits?


NICK: Okay. You toss him a couple of gold bars with no marks of denomination on it, but it’s very clearly 1,000 Credits, obviously.

CAMERON: Obviously. They’re all different shapes, but they are the same monetary amount and it equals 1,000 Credits.

NICK: He bites on one, smiles, and slides them into a slot in his armor, and you begin to drive into the center of the wilderness. It looks the same starting out, just a slight downward slope, but very quickly you can see, as you go further in, the horizon seems to get closer as you go more and more into this “bowl.”

It’s not a thing that you would really notice if you weren’t looking out for it, but it feels more claustrophobic and you see less and less of the sky. The grass starts to die and become more rocky. The speeder is juttering as you get closer. There is a copse of rocks and Mills sets it down and calls Balthazar who scrambles out of your lap, Xianna, and goes back to the front seat. It hurts, because Balthazar has six elbows and they all manage to hit you in the kidneys as he’s scrambling to get out of your lap.

CAMERON: Does he have elbows or knees?

NICK: I don’t know.



NICK: So Mills sets down the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): You can keep going. I’m just going to stay here. Here’s my com number. You can radio out when you’ve finished whatever you need to do. I don’t wanna know. Have fun, I guess. Try not to die. You have 24 hours and then I’m leaving you no matter what it looks like.

LILIT (as Xianna): [with attitude] Okay fine. Be that way, Mills.

NICK (as Mills): I’m going to be that way. That’s why I’m here and camping.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, that’s why I said it.

NICK (as Mills): Good. It seems like we’re agreed, then.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what You know what? I think we’re better than this. I think we can do it in under 18 hours.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sharply] Tink…

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t set that kind of limitation for us.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very possible, however let’s not limit the timeframe that we have to get back any more than 24 hours.

HUDSON (as Tink): See, you’re thinking within limits, I’m thinking limitless. I’m thinking we need new challenges aboard the crew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, okay, Tink. I bet you next movie night, next movie night, who gets to pick the movie, okay? I am betting that it takes us longer than 18 hours.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m betting it takes us under 18 hours.

NICK (as Mills): I was gonna go in on the bet for more money, but I guess you all have that covered.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, you can’t bet because you’re not invited to movie night.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa. Whoa! Why aren’t they invited to movie night?

LILIT (as Xianna): He’s not going to be on our ship for the next movie night.

NICK (as Mills): I’m not getting on your ship. There’s no way. I’m not doing that.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ship. But okay, it’s a deal. The bet is agreed upon. What movie would you even want to watch if we win?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’d want to watch The Coruscant Job. I like the little mini speeder chase scenes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… What I would make us watch is Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock. I like the whales in it.

NICK: [laughs] You all make this bet on who will get to pick the movie for the next movie night, and Mills, as a neutral third party, starts a timer on his data pad. You can see large white  numbers ticking upwards.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I guess time starts now, so have fun. I do feel it’s important to remind you that while the over-under may be at 18 hours, at 24 you all are stranded out here with all the ravenous and super-deadly animals, so you’re gonna wanna get under that 24 hour mark.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah-yeah, I know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do bathroom breaks and snack times count toward the hour?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! It is when we get back here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Not the total amount of time we spend infiltrating or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, let’s go~

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go~

CAMERON: Karma does a Mandalorian fist-bump with Mills as she leaves the speeder. [giggles]

NICK: What’s the difference between a Mandalorian fist-bump and a normal fist-bump?

CAMERON: The Mandalorian one makes a metal clinking sound when it happens.

NICK: Very good. I’m glad I asked.


NICK: You all continue down this slope and around this pile of rocks. After about a ten minute walk the pile of rocks is up above you. You can’t see that there’s a speeder there, it’s very well-concealed. Mills is a good pilot.

You see a low duracrete building nestled within some hills down towards the bottom of this basin. You can see that there’s a fence around this facility that seems to be made out of thorny bushes wrapped around scrubby trees. It’s sort of half hedge, half fence. Besides the main building there are a few prefab buildings stuck within this little facility and there’s people moving to and fro.

It looks like some sort of either scientific outpost or almost a military camp except there aren’t really enough people for that. You can see two Twi’leks standing at the only gap in the fence. They look bored but alert. They see you. There’s not really any cover. There’s no way to sneak up or get close—

LILIT: No-no, Xianna’s not trying to sneak up. Xianna is walking and is waving, going:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK: They see the four of you walking up and they wave back. You get within speaking distance and you get a good look at them.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are here to speak to Kettle. I know her.

NICK: As you get close, you see that these two gate guards are Twi’leks. They look like gangsters, essentially. They look like the kind of people you would hire to do dirty jobs and take care of things that people don’t want getting out. Very obviously armed for, if not conflict, for hard living.

There is an orange Twi’lek. She’s wearing a vest that leaves her arms exposed and you can see that one is cybernetic and has what looks like stim packs built into the forearm. Her lekku have floral and plant patterns all the way down them and they kinda look like tattoo sleeves the way the patterns mix together. It’s very pretty.

The person standing with them is a white Twi’lek. They have a headset with a holographic display pulled up and what looks basically like a mask pulled up over their nose and lots of glowing parts everywhere. Very clearly attached to the Holonet and not necessarily paying as much attention.

The orange Twi’lek waves at you as you say hello.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Hey there. It’s good to see you. This area is completely off limits to the public on pain of death. You may not want to be here, gonna be honest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we are not “the public.” We know Kettle.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Oh, you know Kettle.

NICK: The other Twi’lek doesn’t talk, but their headset starts to scroll faster, you can tell. There’s some lekku language from the white Twi’lek and the orange Twi’lek laughs. Xianna, you can’t quite make it out from the angle they’re standing at.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Yeah, they are kinda stupid to just walk right in and say that they know Kettle. That is a very risky decision. You’re right, Ripper. I’m Doc, by the way. Just so we know who we’re talking to here, what are your names?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, like we were supposed to sneak in with a Gigoran? Okay? Like, we can’t hide him out in the grass. Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Look at me.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): What were we supposed to do? Of course we are just going to walk up here. If you just tell Kettle that Xianna is here… You could honestly just say a purple Twi’lek. She’d probably know. Like… I think she’ll want to talk to us.

CAMERON: There’s a shot of the four of us with the grassland behind us. We’ve got someone who’s green, someone who’s purple, a giant white fluffy person, and a red robot. We don’t blend in at all! [giggles]

NICK: The white Twi’lek, Ripper, kind of shrugs and they glance again at Doc.

NICK (as Doc): I’m not saying that you should have snuck in. I agree, that probably wouldn’t have been the best choice. I’m saying that you shouldn’t have come here in the first place. There’s no way you need anything here or that there’s anything interesting going on. We’re just doing some very basic wildlife research.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh my gosh. Like, again, just com Kettle and tell her that Xianna is here.

NICK: Ripper pulls their mask down and smiles. You can see that their teeth are all filed very sharp.

NICK (as Ripper): Nobody interrupts the boss, especially not for some trespassers. We already have orders there.

NICK: And pulls the mask back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… I don’t want to call her myself, mostly because I don’t remember what her number is. It’s somewhere in my com system, but it would take me a while.

NICK: Doc puts their hand on the butt of their blaster pistol that’s at their hip.

NICK (as Doc): Rip’s right, and the standing orders are to shoot anybody who approaches, so… you’re gonna need to give us one good reason not to follow our orders because I don’t wanna clean blood off my boots. That’s why we’re still talking right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. Do you want some drugs or something?

NICK (as Doc): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Doc): But that’s not necessarily going to make us call Kettle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Okay fine. If I give you some drugs, would you give me like ten minutes to go through my coms and figure out which Geonosian emoji phone number is actually hers?

NICK: Doc and Ripper lock eyes. You can see that their facial expression is changing like they’re having a conversation but their mouths don’t move and their head tails don’t move either. It’s just a silent exchange of eyes. Then Doc looks back at you.

NICK (as Doc): What kind of drugs, exactly?

LILIT: Xianna starts rifling through her pockets.

LILIT (as Xianna): So like, I have some death sticks, I have some impact, I still think I have a single vial of glitterstim. Um… I have a glow stick necklace. Wait, no, you can’t have the glow stick necklace. That’s for Sentinel. Never mind.

NICK (as Doc): Tell you what. We’ll give you Kettle’s com number in exchange for five doses of impact. Eh, six. I don’t want to argue with Ripper again about who gets the extra dose.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, okay fine!

LILIT: Xianna pulls out six baggies and hands them over.

NICK: Ripper moves very quickly and snatches them out of your hand and they disappear into various zippered pockets in a practiced gesture that seems very familiar to you. Doc tosses a little business card of flimsy to you with a practiced two-fingered flick, and you have the com number and you can give Kettle a call.

LILIT: First, Xianna goes through the eight numbers saved in her system that are just the little Geonosian emoji.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: And finds the one that lines up with this number, and just adds a crown emoji.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ah, good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, now I will know which one is Kettle.

LILIT: Then she dials up the com number.

NICK: It rings for a long time before it picks up and you just hear a voice respond.

NICK (as Kettle): Go.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kettle, it is Xianna, and we are outside, and it is hot out here, and your two little guard Twi’leks won’t let us in so I had to give them drugs to get your com number because I forgot it. And it’s really hot, and I don’t want to be out here anymore. Can you let us in so we can talk?

NICK (as Kettle): Sorry, who is this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Xianna. You know, the purple Twi’lek. I left you an IOU. Or you gave me an IOU and so then I gave it back to you, because I beat you in Sabacc so I got the IOU but then I gave it back because I think we stole… Did we steal underwear? Is that what we stole?

HUDSON (as Tink): Wasn’t it a coat?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Well, I thought it was once a coat but then it got turned into underwear.

NICK: The com clicks off, like Kettle hung up, and then there’s a long pause and Ripper puts their fingers to their ear on their headset and nods a couple of times, and then looks back to Doc and shrugs again, kind of wide-eyed.

NICK (as Doc): Okay, I guess you’re cleared to talk to the boss. I’m sorry for the delay… People have stumbled in here once again always saying things like “oh, we’re being hunted by strills” or “hey, can we have some water, we’re dying,” and it’s just really inconvenient, so… yeah. I guess follow us?

NICK: They turn and they head into the facility.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

LILIT: Xianna turns around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it was like underwear, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it was definitely a golden thong.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, that’s what I thought.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think there was also some armor?

LILIT (as Xianna): Was there a half-cape or something?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I think there were two pieces.

NICK (as HK): Extrapolatory Statement: It was called the Heart Breaker Robe and you did not manage to secure it. It was stolen by Illith in the process.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean, we stole it from Kettle and then somebody stole it from us.

NICK: As you walk through, you see that there are a lot of different Star Wars species here. You see several Kaminoans walking around, they’re all in lab coats. You even see a couple of Jawas in white robes wandering around. It looks like they’re working on some of the atmospheric controls of some of these prefab buildings.

Ripper and Doc lead you into the largest building. You can see a huge marble entryway with a gigantic animal skeleton perched in the middle and there’s a spiral staircase wrapping around the room up behind it. There’s a very large banner that proclaims Welcome in jagged letters. The two Twi’leks don’t even register the scene, they’re just walking past that room and into a well-appointed office.

It has floor to ceiling windows that look out across the grasslands. You can see some strills hunting small rodents through the grasses in the far distance. The glass of the window has holo screens in it that zoom in on animal life, so you can always see really well what’s going on at pretty much any distance in that direction.

Seated behind the desk you see a Geonosian. Her wings are slightly shredded as they sit over the back of the chair. Her face and shoulders are scarred, and she is holding a pen and writing on the data pad on top of this desk, and looks up as you come in.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, it’s the entire crew. Isn’t that fun? Doc, Ripper, you can go ahead and go back to your post in case we get any other visitors today. Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, bye!

NICK: For the first time, you see Doc and Ripper looking respectful and a little afraid, and they both give a slight bow and back out of the room. The door slides shut behind them, and you are alone with Kettle, the Queen of the Underworld, ruler of an entire criminal organization and all-around scary lady.

HUDSON (as Tink): Could I get a sparkling water? I’m parched.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Tink. You have to like wait for them to ask first.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sorry. Sorry, I’ll wait.

NICK (as Kettle): Tink, can I get you a sparkling water?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: Without breaking eye contact, she hits a button on her desk and an astromech droid tootles in. It has one of those serving platters on top of its head and a bunch of empty glasses. As it gets close to you it tootles and then a spray of water goes into one of the glasses and its head rotates to put it close to you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Kettle): You’re very welcome. Does anyone else want anything?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good. Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m okay. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what about you?

NICK (as HK): I do not consume liquids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: Kettle sits back in her chair and steeples her fingers on the arms of this… it’s one of those round captain’s chairs with the low backs with the ladder backing and the wide armrests. She steeples her fingers together and she says:

NICK (as Kettle): Great. I’m glad everyone’s comfortable, because that means that now I can ask… what kind of balls do you have to have to walk into my base of operations having stolen from me?!

NICK: She’s just glaring daggers at Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I didn’t actually steal from you, because you gave me an IOU and then I used that IOU when we attempted to steal the thong, the underwear.

NICK (as Kettle): I think you are vastly overestimating the value of an IOU for a game of Sabacc I lost on purpose.

LILIT (as Xianna): It was some underwear. You know? It was fine.

NICK (as Kettle): If it wasn’t bad enough that robe had been destroyed by a fashion conglomerate, I don’t even have it anymore. My entire facility that was going to be a huge front for money laundering by being a tourist attraction didn’t have anything because you destroyed my robotic guardians and got rid of the artifact the entire thing was based around. Do you know how many millions of credits I lost on that?

NICK: You can see that she’s tapping her fingers impatiently on her desk and that there are several buttons on the desk besides the one that summon the astromech. Her finger keeps lightly touching a red one specifically, and you can see she’s thinking better of it, but she keeps almost pressing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look, I’m sure we can work something out, but you know, it was business and we were told we had to go steal that one. I mean, we were supposed to steal it before anybody bought it, so like oopsie-doopsie, that is our bad.

NICK (as Kettle): Oopsie-doopsie indeed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. So like, I very much apologize for that one. However, you now have something else we are supposed to come here to get, because like, we’re not supposed to “talk” about these things, but we are working with somebody who used to be in some sort of Force-type cult that you know was like central to the galaxy and like had forces and then were like destroyed…

HUDSON (as Tink): Rhymes with Shredi.

LILIT (as Xianna): And now they’re kind of working against the Empire, and we are supposed to collect objects that are important because somebody else is trying to collect them and use them for evil. We’re trying to get them to take down the Empire?

LILIT: Turns to Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that right?

CAMERON: Karma has been standing there. She’s got her carbine in front of her and has her arms crossed, like leaning on top of the carbine, and has just been picking at her nails.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is about accurate, yes.

NICK (as Kettle): So you found a Jedi remnant who’s attempting to use the Shattered Force to destroy the Emperor, and you’ve been their errand people?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, that exactly.

CAMERON (as Karma): See? That was a very good explanation. She got it right away.

NICK (as Kettle): Eh, she danced around it a little bit, which I understand considering how powerful these artifacts are. But what brings you here? You already stole the Heart Breaker Robe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well—

NICK (as Kettle): Whether or not you can hold onto it is your problem, not mine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay… So yeah, somebody did steal it from us. We hadn’t even left the planet, so if you really think about it, “did we” actually steal it? Because they were just going to steal it anyways, so like, it was going to get stolen even if I didn’t personally take it out of the little display case.

NICK (as Kettle): You’re of course referring to Illith Utena Hatake, known fashion thief and overall heartthrob.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, them.

NICK (as Kettle): Hmm.

NICK: Kettle stands up from the chair and turns around, like bad guy style, with her arms clasped behind her back and looks out the window. You can see that she’s actually wearing a blue and gold cape that looks very familiar to you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… okay. Did you get it back from them?

NICK (as Kettle): For all you know, this could be a replica.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s probably not. I’m just going to assume.

NICK (as Kettle): No… No, it’s probably not.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m glad you got it back. We would have given it back to you, we just kind of need to borrow it for whatever reason. I don’t know, the Force shit. So like… you know, in a way it worked itself out. The Force works in mysterious ways.

NICK (as Kettle): So I’ve been told…

NICK: She turns back around but doesn’t sit back down in her chair. You can see she’s thinking.

NICK (as Kettle): So here’s the part of your plan that doesn’t make sense to me. How were you planning on getting this artifact from me, or any others that I might have? I’m obviously not going to give them up.

LILIT (as Xianna): We were going to ask nicely and maybe offer to do some sort of job in exchange. You know, a quid pro quo? Is that the term?

NICK (as Kettle): It would have to be one hell of a job.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second, though. Kettle. Kettle… What is it that you want more than anything in the entire world that you don’t have?

NICK (as Kettle): For life to be restored to my planet that was destroyed by the Empire to cover up the conspiracy of the Clone Wars.

[brief but heavy pause]

LILIT (as Xianna): And you know, Kettle, if we destroy the Empire, then that would be a step towards, you know, restoring your planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Or what if we go to the planet—Wait. So wait, when you say it was destroyed, like, is there any left?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it wasn’t like an Alderaan situation.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, that’s what I was asking. If there’s anything left, we make it into the greatest memorial slash museum you’ve ever seen, and I’ve built a few of those.

NICK (as Kettle): Wow.

HUDSON: I wink at everyone.

NICK (as Kettle): I didn’t know it was possible for me, a heartless crime lord, to be genuinely offended by a suggestion, but that really did it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… shush, no talk.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay…

LILIT: Xianna turns back.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, because again, if we destroy the Empire then that would be a step towards restoring your planet, and we could do a job for you that would help in that process or something, and… we could, like steal credits for you or something from the Empire. You know… I don’t know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, are you single?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t like where this question is gonna lead.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, stop asking people if they are single!

NICK (as Kettle): For the sake of curiosity, yes Tink, I am single. Why do you ask?

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we could play match maker and find the love of your life?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, no.

NICK (as Kettle): No-no, let’s see where he’s going with this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wouldn’t that just mean the world to you? Like, more so than any artifact that you could be just holding, you know, around your neck or on your back.

NICK (as Kettle): Hmm… Do you have an option readily in mind?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… So, I have options, yes, however I would need a sidebar so I can consult with the rest of my crewmates to get the list down to three.

NICK (as HK): Concerned Statement: Tink, this does not make any sense in a high-stakes negotiation. I am concerned that we are going to die. Tink, why are you doing this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I would much rather risk our lives doing a very high-stakes heist or like murder somebody than try to do this.

NICK (as Kettle): No-no-no, I would love to hear what nice people Tink thinks are romantically compatible with me. Take your time, I’ll wait.

NICK: Kettle sits back in her chair.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna pulls everyone for a huddle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, what the kriff? Who are you thinking of?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright y’all, the only person I can think of is Donny Donaldson.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… What?

LILIT (as Xianna): The hole guy? That fills the holes?

HUDSON (as Tink): The what?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hole.

LILIT (as Xianna): The holes, in the ground.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the holes. I thought you said the old guy.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I mean, I also don’t know how old Donny Donaldson is.

NICK (as HK): Suggestive Statement: Maybe Kettle just needs a hole filled. Wink, wink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh HK…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh, please don’t say that any louder, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, that is inappropriate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, who else do we know who’s single and ready to—[gasps] Wait!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. So I know that they said they were gonna wait outside the danger area for us, but what if we brought in Mills?

CAMERON: [laughs loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if… Is Mills single?

HUDSON (as Tink): Mills is definitely single. There’s no ring.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Is Val single? She seems spunky enough to date a crime lord.

NICK (as HK): Val really strikes me as someone with a tragic romantic backstory who is maybe not ready for another commitment.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well that’s fair. I don’t know, my mind keeps saying Sentinel and I feel like that’s not appropriate either.

NICK (as HK): Karma, your two twin boys, Jet and Juke, are they single?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I think Juke is?

NICK (as HK): You should call him on the com and see if he is interested in getting into a romantic relationship with Kettle, Queen of the Underworld.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. We should maybe figure out what Kettle’s whole deal is. Like, does she like younger people? Does she like older people? Humanoids? Non-humanoids? Is there a gender preference there?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’re missing some necessary information to be making this finalist list for you, Tink.

LILIT: Xianna pops her head up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kettle, do you like younger people or older people?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I’m not picky.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. How many legs and arms do they need to have? Like, are you okay with a bunch of arms or do you want to stick with just a few? What are you looking for?

NICK (as Kettle): I tend to prefer two legs, but number of arms is negotiable.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Would you rather them be lucky or hot?

NICK (as Kettle): It has to be both or no deal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. Are we working with any gender preferences?

NICK (as Kettle): Nope.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. I mean, I know Val maybe has a tragic backstory, but again, I feel like she’s the only one. Maybe Mills. So we put Val and Mills on the list.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like, this could be a rebound for Val, you know? They don’t have to stay together long-term.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s good. That’s good. When I said three, I can just come in really excited and say well, I said top three, but fortunately for you we’ve actually narrowed it down to two, like it’s better.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as Kettle): I’m waiting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, we’re gonna go with that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We gotta know somebody else.


NICK: You all know so many people!

CAMERON (as Karma): You know Tink, you’re just gonna have to pick the third person on the fly. Ready, set, go. Alright, Tink is ready to give you your options, Kettle.

NICK (as Kettle): Great. Tink, come a little bit closer to the desk, you four, so I can hear you. I hate shouting across the room like this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. We have a magnificent list of three finalists for you today, Kettle. Are you excited? Tell me you’re excited.

NICK (as Kettle): [flatly] I’m… excited.

HUDSON (as Tink): First up on our list we have Mills! Mills is a very strong and powerful, um… warrior. Help me out, guys.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are Human. Yes, Mills is a soldier, warrior, now doing the whole Mandalorian thing. He’s got the armor and everything. Very strong. Could carry you on his shoulders. You know, very romantic.

CAMERON (as Karma): Loves animals. Hates trees.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): He’s already here on the planet, so there would be no long-distance problems.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright, that’s intriguing. Intriguing. What else you got?

HUDSON (as Tink): Next up we have Valorissia. Goes by Val for short. I’ll let Xianna take it away.

LILIT (as Xianna): This one is also Human. She once beat up Tink in a bar fight. She’s sassy. She likes explosions. You know, so I think that would be a good match.

CAMERON (as Karma): Brilliant engineer.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay… I feel like we’re honing in on something. They don’t have a tragic but as-yet-unrevealed backstory with romance, do they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, they 100% do.

LILIT (as Xianna): No idea. I can’t say that for sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait-wait-wait. We’re not gonna answer it until you say if you like it or not. Do you like that or do you don’t like that?

NICK (as Kettle): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, is that interesting to you? Do you feel like you could, uh, nurse them back to health kind of a thing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you compelled by that backstory?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Do you feel like you can be the one to rehabilitate them into love?

NICK (as Kettle): You know, maybe I could help them emotionally to find out where they go from there. You know? Okay. Okay, so not discounting because of the tragic potential backstory. Who do you have for number three?

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] Yeah Tink, who do we have for number three?

HUDSON (as Tink): Number three is kind of a wildcard if you’re into that sort of thing. Number three is a creature known as Web-Web.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh wow.

NICK (as Kettle): What is a Web-Web?

HUDSON (as Tink): Web-Web is an acrobat. HK, take it away.

NICK (as HK): Forced Character Description: Web-Web is a blue Gungan with shining red eyes. They are very deadly with kukri vibro-blades and are acrobatic. Tink has carried them on his shoulders multiple times. They appear to enjoy chaos, violence, murder, and long walks on the beach. End of forced character description.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, I have to say, you’ve certainly given me a diverse crowd to consider for romance in exchange for unbelievable galactic power through Force artifacts. I do have another one, by the way.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Romance option or artifact?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, Force artifact, part of the Shattered Force. I have the Bone Breaker. It’s a staff that has the ability to destroy things with single swings. It’s a very powerful weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dang.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that sounds very nifty.

NICK (as Kettle): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we need to like introduce another contestant?

NICK (as Kettle): No, I’m fine with you knowing that because you’re probably going to die in the next ten minutes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so what if we are able to get everybody here and we do like little blind dates?

NICK (as Kettle): I’ll tell you what. Because I’m fun, I’m a fun crime lord—

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK (as Kettle): If you manage to live through what I’m about to do to you, and you are able to get them all in one place seated at the same table, I would love to do that. And, I would probably give you a wild prize if you were successful in finding somebody for me to be romantically entangled with.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can like have you ask questions and then each one can give a response and you don’t see who it is. Ooh, we can use like a voice modulator, and then you can guess at the end who is who and pick them, and then you can go on little dates with them and you can vote one off first so then there’s just down to two, and you can go on longer dates with them, and you can give one of them a rose or something…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! I already have questions prepared in my head. On your first date, do you smooch? And when you smooch, how much tongue is in there, like in inches? That’s cute, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): [disgusted] Oh… hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, or like, what do you do for Life Day? You know, like do you have to go to your own parents’ house for Life Day or do you want to start a new tradition and have Life Day just between the two of you? What is the other cultural and religious holidays that you celebrate?

CAMERON (as Karma): Describe the perfect date.

NICK (as HK): Supplying date show question. If I was an ice cream cone, what would you do to me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh, no.


LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that is a valid question.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK! Ugh…

NICK (as Kettle): Well, you’ve definitely given me something to think about. Like I said, if you manage to survive… be thinking about that, if not, at least I have their names and I can look them up. This has been fun, but… bye now.

NICK: She reaches and she presses that red button and the floor falls out from under you, and you go sliding down this chute into this large arena with loose dirt. A bunch of lights turn on and you see empty sports stands lining it. There’s a ray shield going from the ceiling down to the edge of the stands. So really, the only thing that you have in this area is a large sandy pit with a very, very big durasteel grating on one side.

An announcer’s voice crackles over a PA system. As the lights ping on, all of the stands are empty, there’s no one there. Up towards the top there’s what looks like a press box that some lights turn on in and you can see a wall of Kettle’s office has slid up so that she can see. A couple of scientists approach and are taking notes, and an announcer’s voice starts to come over the PA system.

NICK (as announcer): Hello guests, and welcome to Mandalore Park. We hope that you’ve enjoyed the tours and displays of our new sand facility. We thank you for taking the time to visit our wonderful location.

For what you have all been waiting for, with careful technological advances in cloning technology, our scientists at Mandalore Park have been able to resurrect a creature long extinct. This creature once roamed the grasslands of Mandalore, a terror to strills, shriek hawks, and stathas as they stomped and destroyed, eating their way across the planet. And now, one has returned to the realm of the living. Observe, the mighty and terrifying mythosaur!

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] yes~!

NICK: The grate slides up slowly, and standing behind this gate is a four-legged long-tailed scaled carnivore with a ridged back, various horns swooped back from its skull, and two large horns like massive mandibles curving towards its mouth. It’s teeth must be at least as long as your arm. It gives forth a terrifying and bone-rattling roar.

LILIT: Xianna’s standing off to the side, blaster in one hand, and in the other hand she holds up—

LILIT (as Xianna): Nobody panic! I have a grenade!


NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 34 Safari Weekend

PDF download: S2 Episode 34 Safari Weekend

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 34:
Safari Weekend

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 34! You know, Episode 34 rules. I feel like it rules really well, Episode 34. Uh… just a good time.

LILIT: Are you implying that our listeners should google Rule 34 to see how much 34 rules?

NICK: [gulps] Yeah, um… just 34 rules.

LILIT: Wanna learn more about it? Search “Rule 34 Sonic,” because we all know Sonic, the fast food chain, is a great place to get afternoon drinks.

CAMERON: America’s drive-in.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: They are America’s drive-in. Please, nobody do these Google Searches.


NICK: I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who they are and who they’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am already regretful about saying the phrase Rule 34 Sonic. I apologize and I see the error of my way.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. If you enjoyed this Rule 34–based episode of Tabletop Squadron, you might also enjoy Golden Girls inflation porn.


LILIT: There’s no joke there! There’s no joke. There’s no subtlety. No mastery of the craft.

NICK: But he did just put that image in my head.

CAMERON: He’s got the shock value down, though.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yeah, it was really just for the shock value. There was no craft or nuance to that.

LILIT: We’re gonna have to put so many warnings on this episode.

NICK: No, shock value is a different kind of porn. Uh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I would like you to know that not only did Nick forget which episode number this was, he also initially forgot that we needed to record an intro for it, so it’s just going great so far.

NICK: It’s been… It’s been a time. I feel like our listeners can relate to it being “a time.”

CAMERON: Has it been a Thursday for you, Nick?

NICK: Yeah, it’s just really been a Thursday. Before we get started with the episode [laughs], let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: One light side.


NICK: Last time, you all settled on Mandalore. You were here. You had been sent there by some sort of strange disembodied voice that gave Tink a hunch that he needed to go to Mandalore to find the items that they seek. You met up with an apparently Force-sensitive red Nautolan named Nyx who tried to give you the information you wanted and you gave him a very difficult time but eventually got the basics that you needed. Then, rather than act on that information, you decided instead to visit Tink’s parents, Rhonda and Mossie, who are just great people and also stage magicians. Am I forgetting anything?

HUDSON: I had a moment of emotional growth when I learned that I don’t need to be upset about past spaghetti-related incidents and that I can grow from that.

CAMERON: No upsetti spaghetti.

HUDSON: No upsetti spaghetti.

NICK: That’s very true. So, let’s go ahead and get into it.


NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight seated around a coffee table in a comfortable living room. There are a lot of doilies and there are a lot of what look like props for magic tricks. The crew is munching on a few snacks, talking, chatting, and laughing. Next we wipe to see the crew leaving, walking through a manicured yard. Rhonda and Mossie, Tink’s parents, stop you in the yard to give you the snacks that they promised. What snacks do they give you?

LILIT: It is a stack of tupperware filled with spaghetti.

NICK: Wow. That’s a comprehensive snack.

LILIT: It’s a very big stack of tupperware. It’s like those big, you know, seven-cup tupperwares.

NICK: Oh wow, yeah. You climb into a local taxi and cross the Mandalorian suburbs. We see you enter an area that looks like half cattle pasture and half industrial yard. In the distance you can see the rolling plains of the Mandalore Wilds and the last vestiges of the city.

There are open docks along the plains. You can see places where speeders have been parked and departed outlined in dirt and dead grass. A small wooden stand with a sliding window stands among the empty births, and you can see a bored-looking Human wearing a wide-brim hat seated behind the window flipping through a holo-magazine.

The taxi driver takes your credits and kicks you out here saying he won’t go any further into the wilderness, and you are standing here in what looks essentially like an empty parking lot with an attendant. You had asked to be brought somewhere where you could get a ride, and this is where you find yourselves. What do you do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hello sir. We are seeking passage.

NICK: The attendant slides the window back with a creek. You can hear bits of dust and grass stuck in the sliders. He leans forward and says:

NICK (as attendant): Sorry about that. I missed that. What? What’s going on? What do you need?

HUDSON (as Tink): We would like passage.

NICK: He pushes his hat back on his head.

NICK (as attendant): Well uh… I’m afraid all the safari barges have already left for the day. You’ll have to try and make a reservation for some time next week I’m afraid.

NICK: Then he slides the window shut and goes back to his magazine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… um. Xianna, Karma, the person in the booth said that there are no more ways to get to the jungle until next week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you try asking a second time?

HUDSON: I knock on the window, once again.

NICK: He sighs so loudly you can hear it through the window, grinds the window open and says:

NICK (as attendant): Now don’t tell me you’re about to ask for a second time like that’s gonna change my answer.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Xianna! Karma!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we need a different strategy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello. So, I heard that there are no more trips today and you don’t have availability until next week. Are there any other options that exist for getting out there?

NICK: He pushes his hat back further on his head with one finger. At this point it’s seated very far back on his head. He looks you up and down, Karma, and smiles real wide.

NICK (as attendant): Well ma’am, it sure is nice to see you, but there is nobody you would want to ride with out into the wilderness. The only people who can go out that way have to be certified. Only safaris are allowed out there. You have to have a special speeder and they’re all gone. They already took their trips out and most of them aren’t due back for at least a week.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are there any people we wouldn’t want to go out there with?

NICK: He looks at his magazine longingly as this conversation goes on and slowly shakes his head.

NICK (as attendant): [exhales] Technically yeah, we’ve got… there is one guy, but I don’t think you’re gonna like him that much. He’s really weird. He doesn’t even take payment.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is he certified?

NICK (as attendant): He does have a certified speeder. Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where can we find him?

NICK (as attendant): Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s all the way down at the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Which direction?

NICK (as attendant): Uh, it’ll be down that way.

NICK: He sticks his head out the window and points down the line. You can see a large fuel tank that’s been obscuring the last part of this flattened area. It looks like it’s next to a burned out warehouse.

NICK (as attendant): It’s down past the fuel tank if you head that way.

NICK: He tosses the magazine over and pulls up a clipboard.

NICK (as attendant): If you’re gonna try and talk to him, these are waivers I’m gonna need you to sign ahead of time that shows that Mandalorian Safari Company is not responsible for any injury or death that may result as a result of the negotiation process or the safari thereafter should you be successful.

NICK: He slides some pages of flimsy over.

CAMERON: Karma starts signing it and dating it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would you please expand on the description of “weird?”

NICK (as attendant): Uh… [exhales] He’s just real traditional. I think you’ll understand it a little better when you get to him. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like traditional Mandalorian warrior?

NICK: He puts his finger on his nose and then points at you, like you got it in one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. The being hurt in negotiations is what gave that away.

NICK (as attendant): Yeah. You must have worked with them before. Are you a bounty hunter?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as attendant): Alright. Well sweetness, you have fun with that. You should be able to talk to him as a representative of the group, but I will need waivers for everybody. So uh, big guy over there, if you could sign, and the Twi’lek lady, if you could sign please, it would be much appreciated.

CAMERON: Karma hands the pen off.

LILIT: Xianna absolutely signs a different name.

HUDSON: I take the pen and as I’m signing I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): So, you say this person’s weird. Well, we know a lot of weird people, and between us we know a lot of people in general, so we probably already know them.

NICK: As you’re signing this, Tink, make me a Knowledge (Education) roll, please, with your “legal” background.


NICK: This will be at average difficulty.

HUDSON: Three successes.

NICK: Taking a look at this waiver, it protects this company from liability to an absurd degree. On most planets you would think that it would invalidate the waiver in the first place. Like, for anything: act of God… basically they’re free of liability and the drivers of these places are free of liability even if they’re just to turn and attack their clients, although there’s a subsection saying that would result in the people being fired. You would know with your background that this would hold up in a Mandalorian tribunal but pretty much anywhere else in the galaxy it absolutely wouldn’t. It’s ridiculous.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. This looks a little bit… This is an intense document you got here, but you know, you look trustworthy.

NICK (as attendant): What, are you some kind of lawyer? Sign it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am a lawyer, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): No you are not, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] No, I am.

LILIT (as Xianna): Stop saying you are a lawyer. You are not.

NICK (as attendant): That’s gonna be a 50 Credit lawyer fee as well, and I also need you to sign this.

NICK: He hands over another piece of paper.

HUDSON: What does the piece of paper say?

NICK: This one is just an invoice for “agreed to allow lawyer to apply for safari.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I mean, it checks out.

HUDSON: So I sign the lawyer invoice and the waiver.


HUDSON (as Tink): You know why they call it a waiver?

NICK (as attendant): Uh… because you’re waiving your rights?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, because I’m waving goodbye. It was good meting you!

NICK: He chuckles and takes back all of the clipboards and slides the window shut, and before you’ve made it to the path that goes down all of these speeder births you can see he already has his feet up on the desk and is flipping through this holo-magazine again.


NICK: So you walk around this dirt trail. This whole area is kind of the same trampled down grass and dirt of a fairground or something like that, but it has raised concrete slabs in different places to show parking spaces and things like that. It’s very much a converted industrial place.

As you walk around this gas tank you see a speeder that looks rugged but beat all to hell. You don’t know what color it was originally. It’s all just rust and patches of bare metal. Several panels are missing and you can see the workings underneath. There are curved skids that extend down below, which normally you know is to allow for any changes in elevation so that you don’t bottom out with the speeder, but these look like they’ve been used to catch the entire speeder’s weight multiple times, like the engines have burned out.

Sitting on the back of this speeder is a man in full Mandalorian armor, helmet affixed, cape blowing dramatically in the breeze, a large vibro-spear buried in the dirt at his feet. He has a vibro-knife and is whittling away at a piece of bone making some sort of trinket. Even though he doesn’t stop whittling or appear to look at you, you can feel his eyes on you as you approach.

CAMERON: Karma’s checking out his armor.

NICK: It looks like traditional Mandalorian armor. You can’t tell just by looking at it, because it’s painted, whether or not it’s actual beskar, but it’s in the right cut. It’s a breastplate, gauntlets, helmet, the whole nine yards.

CAMERON: What’s the color pallet looking like?

NICK: It’s like a jungle camo, so it’s like dark green and brown and blacks. It should be noted, that doesn’t blend in very well here. These are all golden grasses and brown dirt. But it doesn’t show any clan crests or anything on it. He continues to whittle away, not breaking the silence.

CAMERON: Karma stops probably a good six to ten feet away from him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good afternoon.

NICK: You get the helmet panning up to look at you. The knife stops for a minute. A slow nod, and then the head goes back down and goes back to whittling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice speeder you got there. What’s her name?

NICK: The helmet looks up to Karma, pans a couple of degrees over to Tink. Tink, you can feel the appraising look. You hear a distorted voice come from the helmet.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Aspen.

NICK: And then goes back down, and he goes back to whittling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is it called Aspen?

NICK: The Mandalorian takes the trinket that he’s whittling and throws it down into the sand at his feet. There’s a point on it and it sticks into the dirt. Nonchalantly he sheathes his vibro-knife, pulls the spear out of the ground, spins it with a flourish planting the butt of the spear next to his feet as he stands to his full height. Which, you see now e’s not actually that tall. He’s maybe 5’6”, 5’7”, but looks very strong even under the armor. And looks up at you, Tink, and says:

NICK (as Mandalorian): What do you want?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’d like to go on a safari.

NICK (as Mandalorian): [hardy sarcastic laugh] It’s not that easy.

NICK: The helmeted head turns to Karma and to Xianna as well.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Four passengers… I’m your only ride. It doesn’t matter if you have money. That’s not how you would pay for a journey into the Mandalorian wilderness.

LILIT (as Xianna): How would we pay for a ride? Do you want drugs? Because we have drugs. I don’t know if that will work.

NICK (as Mandalorian): The only way you’re getting on Aspen and earning me as a guide is to follow the traditional Mandalorian rite of combat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Egh… you are weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it a fight to the death?

NICK: His hand that’s not on the spear makes a “what are you talking about” gesture.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Some guide I would be if I killed people who wanted a ride. No, you just have to make me feel the joy of combat like I used to.

NICK: And the helmet turns a little and stares far into the distance.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! Which of you is going to fight this weirdo? It’s certainly not going to be me. It needs to be one of you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is HK excluded?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because HK would just kill him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not necessarily.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, would you just straight up murder this man?

NICK (as HK): De Facto Statement: I have been targeting a micro-missile at this man’s carotid artery since we began conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. HK, stand down.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed Sigh: Sigh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you. What are the rules of engagement?

NICK (as Mandalorian): We fight until one person is left standing or someone surrenders. If you kill your opponent, you lose.

CAMERON (as Karma): What weapons?

NICK (as Mandalorian): I choose my spear. No guns.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you have to interact or battle each other with weapons you choose and you gotta tease them a bit but they can’t die. You just gotta violently tease them.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, this sounds kind of like it might be some sort of sex thing.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Do you want a lift into the wilderness or not? Do you want to see the noble Fanned Rawl or not?

LILIT (as Xianna): That didn’t answer my question.

NICK (as Mandalorian): You’re detracting from the noble rite of combat of the Mandalorian people.

LILIT (as Xianna): So it is a kink.

NICK: The Mandalorian does not move. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so it is. Karma, Tink, which one of you is going to fight this weirdo?

NICK: [cackles]

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] Tink, how much armor do you have?

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my backpack.

CAMERON (as Karma): [dismissive] Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): And I have a lot of heart.

CAMERON (as Karma): You do. That is true. I don’t know how much armor that really provides in combat, though.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Choose your warrior. Time is wasting.

NICK: He does a kata with the spear where he goes to stab into the air and then do a retraction and then takes a pose with one leg extended and one hand holding the spear forward.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, you know, looking at the past, I’ve taken a few battles for the team. If I recall, I was in some fight where you won money, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I did.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): And that was very public and very damaging to me. I think it’s someone else’s turn.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty.

CAMERON: Karma detaches her carbine from its strap and hands it to HK.

NICK: HK takes it and holds it lovingly.

NICK (as HK): This weapon has killed so many organics.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

CAMERON: Uh… [giggles]

CAMERON (as Karma): It is on stun right now, HK. Be aware.

NICK (as HK): That is easily rectified.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can’t you use HK as a weapon? They did say any weapon of your choosing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think HK counts as a gun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK (as HK): I am an Imperial-registered firearm.

CAMERON: [laughs] Karma draws her sword.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where does the battle take place? Do we got a stadium or like an arena? Is there stands? Is there popcorn?

NICK (as Mandalorian): A true battle takes place when you least expect it.


NICK: He lunges at Karma, and I need you to roll Vigilance.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Okie-dokie. Can you roll me three yellows, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, three advantages.

NICK: Alright. Y’all almost go at the same time. He lunges forward at you, and you’re expecting it, you could tell from the way he set himself, but he still moves faster than you thought would be possible in this heavy armor. Maybe it really is beskar. He lunges at you to attack. You can see a golden shimmer on this spear as he stabs at you with near-perfect form. Can you roll me three yellows again, please? With two purple, it’s just a normal Melee attack.

CAMERON: And two black for my Defense.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Three successes, a triumph, and three threats.

NICK: Okay. So, he makes contact with the chest of your armor. The spear doesn’t go through, but you still feel the impact as a shock pulse comes from the spear. You take 9 stun damage, Pierce 2, and go ahead and roll me a crit as you feel something hit you even harder than expected.


LILIT: A 48 is Head Ringer. Increase difficulty to Intellect and Cunning checks until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Okay. So you do have a crit on you, so that will increase further crits. The shock appears to be conducted by your armor and goes up into your head, and you can feel your mind buzzing, and your vision clouds a little. He assumes a defensive posture, and it’s your turn.

CAMERON: Karma is very upset that her sea creature scales somehow conduct electricity. It’s very rude.

NICK: Maybe it’s a special spear.

CAMERON: Two successes, a triumph, and four advantages.

NICK: Okay, so how much damage is that?

CAMERON: That is 8 damage, Pierce 2, and I can crit five times.


CAMERON: My sword is Crit 1, and I have a triumph and 4 advantages.

NICK: Okay, so it’ll be +40 on your crit.

CAMERON: Plus another 40.

NICK: If you choose to use those all for critting.

CAMERON: Okay then, sure, let’s do +80! A 22, +80! Oh no, wait, sorry. It’s another +10. My sword is Vicious. [laughs] So it’s +90, so 112?

LILIT: A 112, Temporarily Incapacitated. Cannot perform more than one maneuver per turn until injury is healed.

NICK: Describe how, after this guy lunges at you and stabs you, shocking the bejesus out of you, how do you stop him in one swing?

CAMERON: I think Karma uses his momentum coming towards her and kind of going off slightly to the side, since it didn’t puncture her chest plate, to then bring her arm around and she just smacks him on top of the head with the hilt of her sword and it makes a really loud bell ringing noise in his helmet, and he falls down.

NICK: He falls… Oh yeah, because he did have three threats. So, he falls prone. [dramatic bass noise] You can see the dust making wave patterns below him from the vibration of his helmet. He reaches as though he’s going to push himself back up and then falls flat again and drops the spear and holds up a hand.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Wait… Wait. You have bested me, in a single blow.

NICK: He lifts the helmet off and you see long dark hair and a really angular scarred face.

NICK (as Mandalorian): I haven’t had my ass kicked that bad since the last time I saw a tree that wanted to kill me. It’s been a long time, Karma. You’ve gotten a lot stronger.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Oh shit! Mills!

NICK: And you’re looking at Mills, the former guide from Unroola Dawn, the security officer from the secret space station that you stole, and now your guide into the wilderness on safari. He holds out a hand to be helped back up as blood trickles out of one ear.

CAMERON: Karma helps him back up.

NICK (as Mills): That was one heck of a swing. Tink, Xianna, it’s good to see you. It’s been so long.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Why did you not say hi to us earlier?

NICK (as Mills): I… I was… This is my new life. The last two times I’ve met you I’ve had to leave a planet. I was hoping to just do the job and move on, but if you had to go somewhere else I could’ve continued to do this. Now that you’ve beaten me, I’m honor bound to help you, by Mandalorian creed, which I now follow.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so… there was an attendant back there that we paid money to and signed contracts with named Rocco or something. I said “we might actually know this person because we know a lot of weirdos.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Everyone just brushed me off, and it turns out we know you.

NICK (as Mills): You’re a smart guy, Tink. I’ve always thought you had sort of a sixth sense for that kind of thing. I’ve always been very impressed by you. Your, uh… Your group should really respect you more, really listen to your advice.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you~ Can we do like a voting out a member of the crew thing and then get this person in?

NICK (as HK): Indignant Statement: If you vote me out, I know all your secrets, I will expose them to the galaxy. Do not get rid of me.

LILIT (as Xianna): I vote we get rid of Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… Tink, buddy, you really can’t be the one to suggest voting out people from the group. That’s not… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I retract my statement. We must add an additional member that we will debate after… the safari!

NICK (as Mills): So you wanted to go out on a safari. The wastes of Mandalore are not for the weak of heart. I hope you’re prepared.

HUDSON (as Tink): I would love to see animals.

CAMERON (as Karma): We survived the trees.

NICK: He gives a shrill whistle, smiling at you, Karma, as you mention the trees. You see what looks like a six-legged headless dog with a rat tail and giant horrifying teeth come bounding from somewhere in the shade where it was lying still, where you didn’t notice it before. It pants broadly, and Mills pets at its head and then pulls his hand back as it tries to nip at him.

NICK (as Mills): Alright Balthazar, we’ve got some clients. Hop on up, it’s time to go.

NICK: This weird creature does this gangly six-legged jump and sits in the passenger seat. This thing kinda looks like an airboat but piloted from the front, so the driver seat and the passenger seat are down low and there’s like a stepped seating that goes up so that other passengers can sit up high near the engines but can see further.

NICK (as Mills): Balthazar’s a strill. It’s native to here. Think of it as a terrifying and deadly companion that will sometimes help you if you feed it.

HUDSON (as Tink): How offended would you be if I called that thing very ugly?

NICK (as Mills): How offended would you be if I called you very ugly?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m very sensitive. I don’t think that thing cares what I call it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just call other people’s pets ugly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s a pet?

NICK (as Mills): Balthazar is a handsome boy, yes he is.

NICK: And it’s drooling like a spider web of drool between all the teeth, and you realize that part of the missing paint on this speeder appears to be from the drool as it melts through a little bit more of the side of the speeder where it’s standing there panting. Mills ruffles its… where its ears would be—it doesn’t really have ears—and this thing again tries to take a nasty snarling bite out of his hand, but it also does a panting smile at him.

NICK (as Mills): So yeah, hop on up. Mandalore doesn’t really have any trees to worry about. It’s mostly scrubland like this, so we should be perfectly safe, but if not… you have your weapons. I know you can handle yourselves in a fight.

NICK: He rubs at the back of his head kind of ruefully and wipes some of the blood away from his ear and smiles at Karma in a friendly manner.

NICK (as Mills): I’m thinking I’ve got supplies for a few days. If you all want to go deep out into the wilderness, we could really make a show of the safari thing. How does that sound?

CAMERON: Karma takes her carbine back from HK and rehooks it on.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds good to me!

CAMERON (as Karma): So, we are safariing with a mission.

NICK (as Mills): Well, everybody has a mission to see the glorious wildlife of Mandalore when they’re on a safari, especially with me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also that. We have been directed to go deep into the center of the wilderness.

NICK (as Mills): Well…

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re looking for a gangster friend.

NICK (as Mills): I don’t know anything about that, but I do know that I can show you all of the best animals. I have their prime watering holes. I’ve got exactly where they like to feed. It’s the perfect season for it. The stathas should be looking for mates right now so their coloration will be really nice. We can go way out there. I guarantee that you will hear at least one shriek hawk while you’re out there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, a shriek hawk!

NICK (as Mills): So we’ll head out there. The entire thing until the next city is probably only three or four days across. Normally I go about one or two days in. We’ve got plenty of supplies for that and a return trip. So, if you see anything interesting, whatever you’re out here to see, you can guide us in that direction and that should be fine. Although, I can’t guarantee the shriek hawk if we don’t keep to my guaranteed guide route.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is fair. Also, we brought spaghetti.

NICK (as Mills): Awesome!

NICK: So, do you all climb up into the speeder?


HUDSON (as Tink): I call shotgun—top!

NICK: You say you call shotgun and Balthazar the strill’s head whips around and growls at you, and all you can see are massive teeth the size of its head and spit flying everywhere. It just stares you down, growling.

HUDSON (as Tink): I meant, um… I call back seats.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think we will sit in the back seat. That may be for the best.

NICK (as Mills): You will get the best view from up there, so I would recommend it. Balthazar really likes this seat, plus the upholstery is all shredded.

NICK: The strill whines at Mills and he shrugs.

NICK (as Mills): It’s true. You scratched up the seats. I don’t know what you want me to tell you.

NICK: And it settles down huffily into the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Well, it’s only early afternoon at this point, so we could make some pretty good time today, maybe see some interesting animals. What do you say?

CAMERON (as Karma): Let’s do it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s do it!


NICK: So, you all pile in. You can see that situated under your seats there’s large crates of what look like supplies: some medical supplies, some first aid kits, but mostly food and camping gear and things like that. This is a full-service safari. Mills jumps into the driver’s seat and guns it, and you all take off over the grasslands into the afternoon sun and continue on your way.

Even on the first day, close to the city, you see a couple of really interesting animals. You see a Fanned Rawl which is like an iguana with no legs. It’s really big and has a massive hood that sticks out of it. You see several of those and they’re fighting, and then they’re breeding… and it’s just kinda weird. We get the shot of you all up in the seats and Mills has cut the engine and the thing skids to a stop.

NICK (as Mills): Look over there. This is really nice. Those Fanned Rawls only breed during this season. You never get to see stuff like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh~

CAMERON: If I flip a light side point, can Tink have a disposable camera?

NICK: Yeah, absolutely.

HUDSON: [excited] I was thinking about having one!

CAMERON: [giggling] I just really think he needs one.

HUDSON: I pull out my disposable camera and start taking pictures.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ Oh, and they’re under the succulents. They’re so succulent right now.

NICK: So, you’re taking pictures of these strange lizard monsters, and after a while they slither away and Mills turns the speeder back on and continues onward. A while later he cuts the motor again and you can see Balthazar the strill is whining and perked up in his seat, and in the distance you can see more strills.

These aren’t domesticated, they’re even bigger, and Balthazar is already quite large. They have thick fur whereas he’s hairless. One of them jumps out of a thorn tree that’s sticking up above the grasses and flaps its six legs and manages to stay in the air for a while like a very enthusiastic sugar glider before falling on another one. This group is tussling and playing. Imagine a group of hyenas towards sunset. The sun is also setting here, and you all get a great view of wild strills across the grasslands.

NICK (as Mills): Now you’re gonna wanna be very careful here. If the wind changes direction, we’re gonna have to go really quick, so stay in your seats because these will absolutely hunt us and kill us if they figure out we’re here.

HUDSON (as Tink): They don’t look ‘too’ scary.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Tink, go pet one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I wouldn’t go that far. In my mind they just—

LILIT (as Xianna): Get out of your seat and go over and pet one.

HUDSON (as Tink): They just look like a bunch of wrestlers with wings.

NICK (as Mills): Part of the reason that you have to have a certified guide out here is for your safety. There may not be trees, but the wildlife out here is very dangerous and we’re very far from the city. We’ve been driving most of the day. So, I would advise against leaving your seat or attempting to pet one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet that created the most feared warriors in the entire galaxy.

CAMERON: Karma adjusts her grip on her carbine and checks the stun setting.

NICK (as Mills): It should be fine as long as the wind doesn’t change direction.

NICK: Could you roll me a Force die, please, Cameron?

CAMERON: One dark side.

NICK: [chuckles] As he says that, Balthazar yips and starts to sniff the air.

NICK (as Mills): Aw kriff, we gotta go.

NICK: You can see that these strill—there’s probably about ten of them—have fanned out in a semicircle and are loping towards the speeder much faster than you would expect. They’ll run for a bit and then jump and glide and then run and jump and glide, kind of like penguins will run and slide on their tummies except in the air and full of teeth.

These things are slowly circling to cut you all off and ambush you as Mills throws the speeder into full speed and guns it and spins the speeder to escape, and you’re able to get away. Tink, do you take any photos of being hunted by these terrifying strill?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma! Karma! Turn around. Okay, now just move a little bit so we can see you and the strills.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, time to stop taking photos.

HUDSON (as Tink): But, but… that’s a priceless expression on her face.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: What is the expression on Karma’s face?

CAMERON: Concern!

NICK: [laughs] And that’s pretty much the most exciting parts of the first day of your safari on Mandalore. We get a screen cut to the speeder at night parked next to a crackling campfire. There are bedrolls and camp chairs set up. There’s kebabs of meat cooking over the fire. You can hear the gentle hum of an electric fence set outside the perimeter of the firelight as well. Mills is sitting by the fire, waiting for the food to cook, playing a harmonica.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, Mills? How’d you get Balthazar?

NICK (as Mills): It’s a pretty funny story, actually.

NICK: Balthazar huffs and rolls over. He’s clearly asleep, but all six legs are sprawled out and his stomach is facing the sky. Lines of drool are running up his face and into the dirt.

NICK (as Mills): When I landed here I challenged an interesting guy to a Sabacc game. I managed to win. That’s actually where the armor came from, too. This guy just kept betting and I just kept winning. It seemed like the Force was in my favor. So, once I had all the gear that I needed to do it, that’s when I took over doing these safari guiding jobs.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a super–high stakes Sabacc game.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah… I did bet my life multiple times to get to that point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes you just have to bet your clothes. Like, sometimes that is the only option left and that is what you do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but I feel like there’s a difference between betting your clothes and betting your Mandalorian armor set.

NICK (as Mills): Well, to be fair, it is durasteel. It’s not actual beskar.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but still. Like, still impressive craftsmanship.

NICK (as Mills): It looks nice, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks nice. Great paintjob.

NICK (as Mills): Oh thanks. I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. Great. It would blend in very well on Unroola Dawn, actually.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, that’s kinda what I was thinking, if I ever got to go back. I wonder how my sister’s doing.

NICK: He stares off into the distance.

NICK (as Mills): I’m sure she’s fine. She’s a tough lady. But what brings you out here? I can only imagine you’ve been fighting for the Rebellion and now you’re out on a pleasure safari on Mandalore. That seems a little out of your forte.

HUDSON (as Tink): No one said anything about pleasure, yet.

NICK (as Mills): I just mean that it was for fun, big boy. Calm down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is definitely part of it. We promised Tink we’d go on a safari a very long time ago.

NICK (as Mills): That’s an interesting request. Why would you promise that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, it involved the death of a crewmate. Have some respect.

LILIT (as Xianna): That guy was on our ship for like maybe a week or two.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sabos was an integral part of what makes our crew a crew.

NICK (as Mills): Who?

LILIT (as Xianna): He was there for like a week.

NICK (as Mills): I don’t remember anyone named that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, the Togruta with the rifle?

NICK (as Mills): Oh. I always assumed that was like a hostage or something. He wasn’t with you the second time we met.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, that’s true.

NICK (as Mills): Huh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, no.

NICK (as Mills): Wow. So you’re following up on a wish with a crewmate from that long ago, huh?

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] Don’t judge me.

NICK (as Mills): I’m not judging. I’m really not. This job, I get a lot of weird answers. That one’s just kind of new to me, that’s all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink is just very sentimental.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, and safari just is that piece of the puzzle that I needed to complete the hole in my heart that was left behind by Sabos.

NICK: As you all are talking, you hear a loud ear-piercing scream coming from the distance. Mills holds up a hand and then smiles wide.

NICK (as Mills): Shriek hawk. Told you I guaranteed it. People come from all over the galaxy to hear that mournful cry.

NICK: Your ears hurt. This thing is very uncomfortable to hear even from a distance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] It’s beautiful.

NICK (as Mills): It really is.

CAMERON: Karma’s holding her head tails over where her ears would be, slightly, but is making it look like she’s just resting her chin in her hands, but is definitely using them as earmuffs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Mills! Mills.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah? What is it, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Are we gonna see a mythosaur?

LILIT (as Xianna): Those don’t exist, Tink! They’re not real.

NICK: His brow furrows.

NICK (as Mills): For one thing, Xianna, they did exist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well they’re not real ‘now.’

NICK (as Mills): Does being extinct mean that it’s not real?

LILIT (as Xianna): Anymore, yes.

NICK (as Mills): They’ve been dead for thousands of years, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): What?! And no one told me?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I am sure your education told you growing up.

NICK (as Mills): Even if they were real, they’re one of the most terrifying creatures in the entire galaxy. You wouldn’t want to go near one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just think it would be really cool to see, and I would give you the highest ratings ever on the Holonet and tip you SO well if we got to see one.

NICK (as Mills): While that is a really good offer, Tink, it’s not like I’m hiding the mythosaur from you. They’re long extinct. No one’s even seen bones of one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, oh, wait! Tink, hold on.

LILIT: Xianna starts patting her pockets and rummaging through.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I left a mythosaur in one of my pockets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ha-ha. They’re so much bigger than your pockets. You couldn’t fit one in there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know, maybe if I curled one up real small into a little ball.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re just playing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe if you got a small one, like a baby.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re just playing with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I’m just joking. I mostly have spaghetti in my pockets right now.

CAMERON (as Karma): In the tupperware?

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so some of the pockets are heat retaining, so they keep your food warm, and some of them are coolant pockets, so they keep your snacks nice and cool, so I do kind of just have the spaghetti free-floating in one of the pockets. The pocket unzips out of the entire coat so you can wash it in the dishwasher.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that’s good.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re walking around with loose spaghetti.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, it’s in the zipper pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s sloppy as hell.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not like just loose falling out of the open pocket. It’s in its little container, zipped up, still warm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Some animal is gonna smell that from a while away from here.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is like fully contained and smell-proof and everything.

NICK (as Mills): Whether it is or not, that’s why we have the electric fence set up and old Balthazar here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because if it wasn’t, Creamsicle would get into my coat all the time and find my snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): [disappointed grumble] Loose spaghetti…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not loose! It is contained. It is loose inside of the pocket, but it’s contained within the pocket.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s loosely contained.

NICK: We zoom out away from this argument around the campfire, and we see the Mandalore grasslands spread out, and we hear the mournful cry of a shriek hawk in the distance, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 33 Meet the Parents

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 33:
Meet the Parents

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank Chase for the creation of the NPC, Nyx, that we used in today’s episode. If you also would like to create and submit an NPC to possibly be used in the show, you can go and support us at the $10 level on Patreon.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 33! I am your host and game master, Nick, and we’re just gonna take it down a notch this week, just have a nice, chill, nonviolent game of Star Peace instead of Star Wars. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I will be playing Star Peas today where you eat a bunch of frozen peas out of the bag at 2 AM.

NICK: Oh. See, I thought we were just pivoting and doing a religious-based fiction story and we were all produce to tell the stories and you would be Star Peas, and then there would be Star Carrots, and Star…

LILIT: Tomato.

NICK: Yeah, that’s the one.

LILIT: And a Cucumber.

CAMERON: Broccolini?

NICK: Star Broccolini! You figured it out, the big bad of the whole show. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Peace Officer Reginald Baltimore. As this is a laidback and new format we’re doing, I’m just gonna say that I’m here to chill and have a good time.

NICK: [struggling] Great to have you, Peace Officer Reginald Baltimore. Are you going to be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer this week?

HUDSON: Yeah, Hudson is gonna be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh, now we’re into the third person. I don’t like that.

HUDSON: Hudson loves it.


NICK: [groans] Yuck. Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: Two light side.


NICK: So, last time on Star Peace, a peaceful journey through the stars with Officer Reginald Baltimore—That was harder to say than I expected. You saw the consequences of assassinating a head of government on a planet that is under occupation by a fascist regime. You were able to escape the planet, and, based on a strange hunch that Tink had, decided to go to Mandalore. That’s where we last left off.

We open on the Afternoon Delight in hyperspace. The ship is well on its way to Mandalore, your next stop. Tink suggested that you go there on some sort of hunch and you all decided to see what adventures may lay in wait there. You’ve had some time, it’s far away from where you were, it’s probably been a couple of days of travel at this point. What have you all been doing during your voyage?

HUDSON: Tink has been constructing a gigantic blanket fort in the game lounge and cargo bay. And Room 16, which is unlabeled, and I think that’s the ever-shifting room, right?

LILIT: No, that’s Room 4.

CAMERON: Yeah, because it’s not on the list.

LILIT: Because Room 4 isn’t listed on the ship, so who knows where it could actually be.


HUDSON: So what is 16? Why is it unlabeled?

LILIT: We haven’t figured that out yet.

NICK: We just haven’t put anything in there.

CAMERON: We just haven’t picked yet.

HUDSON: That is the epicenter of my blanket fort that reaches across the three other areas.

LILIT: Who knows what room it was before, but now it is the heart of your blanket fort.

CAMERON: It is the blanket fort room.

NICK: Where did you get all the blankets? Were you stealing them from everyone’s rooms?


NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: We have so many spare bedrooms.

LILIT: Yeah. There’s a bunch of spare bedrooms and it was a party yacht so they probably had a whole cabinet just full of linens.

NICK: Has anyone seen you in the last 24 hours or did you disappear into this blanket jungle that you created?

HUDSON: I’ve disappeared into the blanket jungle and no one has seen me for the past 24 hours.

NICK: Okay. Great. So that’s what you’re doing. What about the other two members of the crew?

LILIT: Xianna stumbled upon the blanket fort in the middle of the night, and entered it, and has also not been seen in 24 hours, mostly because she no longer knows how to get out herself.


LILIT: She has been looking for Tink but has not found him. At this point she has given up. She lives in the blanket fort now with Creamsicle. Creamsicle knows how to get out.

NICK: Creamsicle has left and come back with snacks several times.


CAMERON: Karma is starting to get concerned with how quiet the ship is but has been going through—

LILIT: Has Karma seen the blanket fort?


CAMERON: No, I don’t think she’s wandered yet to try to track anyone down. She’s just making sure that there’s food out, and some food does keep leaving because Creamsicle takes it, so she’s like alright, well… I guess they’re alright. [laughs]

And has just been hanging out in the main living area and occasionally going up to the cockpit to check on things. But went through her whole routine of cleaning all of her weapons, since she actually used her sword, cleaning that. And then pulled out one of the books that we stole from the library that had all of the info on the Force objects.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Picture a child sitting in the aftermath of a Christmas morning. So there’s just the boxes and the stuffing that was in the boxes kind of thrown around everywhere, just sitting in the living room floor and has the two items that we have, the Stone Breaker and the Spirit Breaker, pulled out and is reading about them in the books.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Knowledge check, probably Knowledge (Education) since you’re doing research.

CAMERON: What difficulty?

NICK: Eh, we’ll say average. You have books specifically about this so it shouldn’t be too hard, but what information you get in addition will be…

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because it’s been silent on the ship for 24 hours?

NICK: Sure!

CAMERON: [laughing] So I’ve gotten really focused.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense.

CAMERON: Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Hmm. Well, you are able to cross-reference the index of the gaming book that you took that has this information and the actual historical documents that you took from the library and you actually put some information together about what these objects ostensibly do. You’re not sure exactly how to activate them, you’re not sure how reliable they are, but I would say it was probably pretty convincing that these items actually do stuff because you saw Endo teleporting around and doing a lot of things in combat that should be impossible.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, that’s definitely why Karma is looking into them now.

NICK: So, you realize some things. You are able to get some information, not necessarily specifics but definitely situations in which these would be useful.

The Stone Breaker, which is a tablet about the size of a sheet of paper that is apparently made out of stone but still has buttons that you can depress into them even though they don’t appear to do much, is some sort of key. It’s like a skeleton key. You can use it to get into just about anything. It doesn’t really explain how that works, but you would imagine it’s some sort of data breaker or something like that. This piece of equipment is referenced very frequently around locked doors and security and things like that.

The second artifact, the blue orb that looks like it has an ocean in it, the Spirit Breaker, seems kind of contradictory to you. You find two different references that say really different things. One of them says that it actually cuts people off from the Force. That’s interesting considering that these are Jedi artifacts that there would be an item that dampens the Force.

But it also potentially promotes vitality? You’re not sure what “promotes vitality” might mean. There are a couple of references of people with this artifact being able to get through situations and combats that they should not have survived. That doesn’t necessarily make sense but seems useful.

CAMERON: Alright. I think Karma has been taking notes in her data pad and feels like she’s both learned a lot and not really learned anything useful at the same time.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: So, looks through a little while longer once she gets the bulk of the information and then realizes she’s pretty much gotten what she’s gonna get on these two particular items, and then picks up the romance novel that Xianna stole for her and goes and starts reading that.

NICK: Okay. Are you reading in the cockpit or are you still in the living area?

CAMERON: Still in the living area.

NICK: As you stand up to go and get the romance novel you fall prone. [dramatic bass noise] You trip over the carpeting. There’s something knotted in there. You don’t really want to think about it too hard, but it is embarrassing. The good news is no one sees. HK is off in one of the storage areas and you haven’t seen Tink or Xianna in quite a while.

We cut away to Xianna intrepidly exploring this blanket fort. Xianna, I’m picturing you wandering through a jungle of sheets and hanging blankets with a machete trying to explore your way through.

LILIT: Yes. Xianna has torn off a piece of a pillow case and has tied it around her head like a bandana. Creamsicle has a tiny matching one.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Is riding around on the top of her head. She has found a voice recorder and is keeping a journal log.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is… I do not know what time it is anymore. I have no idea how many days it has been since I have gotten lost into this pillow fort. I fear I may never return, however I will keep going. Surely there must be an end to this. The Afternoon Delight is only so big, and maybe eventually Karma will notice we are missing and come for us.


NICK: Xianna, I think you find some sort of ravine with water flowing through it and jump across.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s weird animal calls coming from the distance. You come across Tink deep in this blanket wilderness. What is the scene that she sees, Hudson?

HUDSON: Tink is sharpening a stone into a point and trying to attach it—and has some string and a stick beside there—to make a handmade spear and doesn’t notice Xianna walk up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): [startled] Ah! Oh… Oh, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! I have found another person! It has been so long.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I know. This got… This really got out of hand.

LILIT (as Xianna): I crossed a ravine with a waterfall in it. How is that even possible? There is no ravine in our ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know… [stammers] with evolution and the, ugh, things just got… I let HK just do whatever he wanted to do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we have an holodeck? Is that a thing that we have in this universe?

HUDSON (as Tink): At this point, who would know?

NICK: The camera cuts away really fast to somewhere else out in the blanket wilderness. HK-67 is kneeling down by a track of mud and you can see boot prints through it. He puts his fingers in it and wipes the mud beneath both ocular sensors.

NICK (as HK): It is time to hunt the most dangerous game of all.

NICK: And we cut back.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tink, how do we get out of here?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think there’s any getting out. I think we live here now.

LILIT (as Xianna): But again, how is this even possible?

HUDSON (as Tink): I just wanted a place where I could let my imagination run wild, and HK offered to help, and then I just took a snooze and when I woke up this was all here.

LILIT (as Xianna): This is too much, Tink. Okay? Even for you, this is too much. You need to dial it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): You don’t have to tell me that. I’m lost. I’m as lost as you are.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exhales] We have to find our way back. I don’t want to stay here.

HUDSON (as Tink): For some reason all com communications are disabled.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): The pillows are too thick for the signal to go through. I tried that earlier. It does not work. Also, I’m pretty sure I heard HK laughing in the distance and that scared me.

NICK: [smiling] We get a quick cutaway to Karma sitting in the living area flipping through a book. She goes “hmm” and you can hear from two rooms over the muffled conversation of Tink and Xianna, very clearly close. She looks up and shrugs and goes back to reading. [laughs]

CAMERON: Well yeah. I heard them. I know where they are now.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: They’re fine.

NICK: The ship pops out of hyperspace. There’s that sudden jolt of inertia as you resume normal sublight drives.

LILIT: Out of a ceiling vent in the main living space next to Karma, the vent just pops open and Xianna just falls out, splatters all over on the ground and is rolling around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh my god. Oh! I am free! I am free of the blanket fort!


HUDSON: As the ship comes out of hyperdrive the blanket fort collapses all around him. He tries to get up but he struggles through the blankets and eventually he bites and chews his way through five layers of blanket and then rips open the hull to emerge like he’s being birthed. He just [roars] and just comes out of it.

LILIT: And comes slithering out of the vent.

HUDSON: Jus comes slithering out of it. Yes.

NICK: You get up and look around and peer into the rooms where the blanket fort had started and there’s just a pile of blankets on the floor. It’s very unassuming. This bit doesn’t make a lot of sense. From out of the vents you see HK’s head poke down and he’s got paint of mud in a camo pattern and he had a stone knife and he looks down and sees that everybody’s back in the living area.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed sigh. Aww.

NICK: And then crawls back away through the vent.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where is HK going?

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, get back here!

LILIT (as Xianna): How did we end up in the vents? We were in an open area.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why… Why were y’all in the vents?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma! Karma…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): We were lost in the forest!

CAMERON (as Karma): What forest?

LILIT (as Xianna): The blanket fort got out of control. We do not know how it happened, but it got too big and we couldn’t find our way back.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK was hunting people.

NICK: HK pokes his head out of the vent since Tink asked him to come back.

NICK (as HK): This is true. I was hunting the most dangerous game of all.

LILIT (as Xianna): You keep saying that, HK, and then you just laugh when I ask you what that game is!

NICK (as HK): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

CAMERON (as Karma): How is it possible that y’all got lost in a blanket fort that you built on the ship?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. I passed a waterfall. I’m starting to think that maybe some drugs got in the water or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… well, did y’all have fun on your adventure?

LILIT (as Xianna): Not at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): No… not really.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well…

HUDSON (as Tink): I was very scared.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK had fun.

NICK (as HK): I had lots of fun. It would have been more fun if I had finished the hunt.

HUDSON (as Tink): What hunt, HK?

NICK (as HK): The hunt for the most dangerous game of all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who else was in there? Was HK hunting us?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think there were others.

NICK (as HK): Nonchalant whistling.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m still so confused how that happened.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you can’t just say nonchalant whistling.

NICK (as HK): Nonchalant whistling. [buzzing]

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Thank you. Yes, that’s much better.


NICK: The running lights of the ship go back to full daytime brightness. We can see down the hallway from the main living area where you all are having the conversation and through the view screen of the cockpit to the planet of Mandalore, a golden orb with a couple of cities obvious on the surface but otherwise a rugged wilderness. What are you gonna do?

CAMERON: Karma closes her romance novel and stands up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): We came to Mandalore. Now where am I going?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm…

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t say back into the fort.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re not going back into the fort. I’m never going into that part of the ship again.

CAMERON (as Karma): I meant on the planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Mandalore. So, if I got my geography right, the capital should be Keldabe.

HUDSON: I look really proud of myself for remembering that even though it’s been a while.

NICK (as HK): Query. Boss Man, didn’t you live on Mandalore for most of your childhood?

HUDSON (as Tink): … That is inconsequential! So, I think we should land there, and uh, let’s land on Bay 13.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well I think I’m gonna have to go to whichever bay they tell me to.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm…

CAMERON (as Karma): You got a particular section of the city? Like, should I go north, west side, like what…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t go to the west side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t go to the west side. Uh, go ahead and go to the east side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: Tink has a distant look in his eyes as he is suggesting these things as though staring into the depths of unknowable space.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, where on Mandalore did you grow up? Was it in the capital?

HUDSON (as Tink): I grew up right outside of Keldabe.

LILIT (as Xianna): And you are unsure if it was the capital or not?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. I was very confident it was the capital earlier. Yes, it was a… I grew up in a small town outside of Keldabe called Riveriska.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, what is Riveriska known for? What is their main export? What is their economy based around? Are they mostly about commuting into the main city or do they have resident economic benefits?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do your parents still live there, Tink? Oh my gosh. Can we go meet your parents? They must be so fucking weird.

NICK: [cackles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, we shouldn’t assume.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, if they raised Tink! Look at him. Have you met him? He built a pillow fort that was somehow a portal into a real jungle.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does take talent.

LILIT (as Xianna): They must be so strange.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, so… Children don’t necessarily grow up to be at all like their parents, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it definitely has a big influence.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know if they’re gonna want to see me or not, but we can stop by I guess.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are they still mad about the spaghetti?

HUDSON (as Tink): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): How could they be that mad? It was just some soapy noodles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah Tink, that seems like a ridiculous reason for your parents to not want to see you.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think that… [huffs] If you really want to visit my parents, we can.

NICK: Karma, you head to the cockpit and start landing procedures. As you head towards Keldabe you get a hail from an Imperial air traffic control. They give you several different bays to land in based on where your travel plans are. You have to log basic travel reasons and things like that, but that’s easy enough to lie about. They give you the options of 6, 12 and 13.

CAMERON: Headed to 13.

NICK: You head down to the surface. Keldabe has a lot of space traffic. It’s a large spaceport. The population itself is a lot more spaceborne than most planets, because in Star Wars normally there’s space travel people but most people planet-side don’t leave the planet. It’s expensive and it’s hard to get on a ship. But because these are Mandalorians and warriors and ambassadors and things like that, a lot of people travel off-planet, so this is a very large spaceport.

We see you land. You’re guided in by a droid with two glowing sticks to park and you actually walk out onto a concourse and into a spaceport that is inside and has luggage procedures and things like that. There is a group of beings standing around the receiving area holding white flimsy signs that have different names written on them in Aurebesh. You see one that says Rallltinkraatakat on it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey! That’s for me…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did you tell somebody we were on our way?

HUDSON (as Tink): No?

NICK: As Tink says that, this person whips around and makes eye contact with him. You see a bright red Nautolan with large black eyes wearing white clothing that’s pretty loose and has stripes that are both red and blue on them in a crisscrossing pattern and is wearing bracelets on each wrist that go up his forearms that are both red and blue. So you get a lot of red and a lot of blue and a lot of flowing clothes. He smiles at you broadly as he sees you and makes a motion for your group to come over.

CAMERON: Beep-beep.

NICK: [smiling] Yes, the ship is locked. There is security for the ship. The ship will be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you one of Tink’s parents? Is Tink adopted? Who are you? How do you know Tink.

NICK (as Nyx): [voice: smooth, jovial] You ask a lot of questions. I like that about you. No, I don’t know Tink. His name came to me as though in a dream, as though some force all around us that flows through us.

LILIT (as Xianna): [fed up] Ugh, kriff…

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Oh my god. Are you like some Jedi or some shit?

NICK (as Nyx): Hey, don’t go calling people Jedi that—

LILIT (as Xianna): Force user. Whatever.

NICK (as Nyx): So you walk up in your fancy coat and your fancy boots and just immediately assume that somebody’s a Jedi? That’s, uh… that’s a lot.

LILIT (as Xianna): You said you had some sort of weird fucking Force dream about Tink and that is how his name came to you. Sorry for making a logical assumption.

NICK (as Nyx): Well, the good news is that I want to help, so let’s start over. Hi, my name is Nyx. It’s nice to meet you. I want to send you on your journey in the correct direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Where are Tink’s parents?

NICK (as Nyx): The correct direction is probably not Tink’s parents. If you—

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we make a short pit stop first?

NICK (as Nyx): I’m not your parents. Do whatever you want. I was just wanting to make sure that you all knew where you were going. Seems like you’ve already got an itinerary. Tink, does she always speak for you or do you have any sort of personality or interesting things about you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I’m Tink! I do have personality, normally, but you are kinda confusing me with this whole saw me in a dream stuff. I know I’m dreamy, but…

NICK (as Nyx): Aw, that’s sweet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, we came to Mandalore because the voices in your head told us to. I really don’t think we should be knocking the dream thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. So sure, maybe the dream thing is legitimate. So… why did this happen to me?

NICK (as Nyx): Okay… Okay, this has been fun but we’re getting really metaphysical here, so I’m just gonna say… We have a mutual acquaintance who called me and told me to expect that you would be coming.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who was the mutual acquaintance?!

NICK (as Nyx): Well…

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you really not have a guess? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Was it my parents?

LILIT (as Xianna): Was it Tink’s parents?!

NICK (as Nyx): [chuckling] Yes. Yep, you got it in one. That’s who it was.

LILIT (as Xianna): [deflated] Was it Sentinel?

NICK (as Nyx): Yeah. Sentinel is an old friend of mine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh. So, you have a weird Force dream and you tell Tink to “go to Mandalore” and then you are friends with Sentinel and you are mad at me for saying that you might be a Jedi?

NICK (as Nyx): Okay, so friends is strong. I said acquaintance. I stand by saying that guy’s kind of a jerk as well. I was mostly just fucking with you. I didn’t—weird dream thing… I got a com call. I got a com call that said to expect somebody to be heading this direction and to put this name on a sign and to help them to continue their journey and avoid the Empire, so that’s what I’m here to do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did Sentinel tell you to go to Mandalore?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who told Sentinel we were going to Mandalore? I haven’t talked to him in like weeks. We probably should, but I haven’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did I, like… Did anyone drunk dial him?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think so. I don’t have his number saved in my coms.

CAMERON (as Karma): [withering] My guess is that Sentinel is the voice you heard in your head, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s nerve-racking.

LILIT: Xianna’s scrolling through her previously called history.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I don’t see his number. And again, it’s not even saved, I always have to ask Karma what it is.

NICK: Because Xianna doesn’t save people’s names in her phone, she saves other things as reminders of who they are, just give me a couple of examples of what your contacts look like.

LILIT: There’s definitely one that is just a string of emojis and it is green heart, peach, second green heart, and the little heart with a bow on it. That’s Nolaa.

NICK: Makes sense.

LILIT: There’s definitely one that’s just angry face and a stabby emoji. It’s probably Falx, but she’s not entirely sure, so occasionally she just sends a message that’s kind of prompting the other person. They haven’t responded yet, though. There’s a whole handful of ones where it’s just like that one dude from that bar, the chick from the grocery store.

NICK: [laughs] There is no contact with Sentinel on there. One might even say that the Force works in mysterious ways. But Nyx wouldn’t say that, Nyx looks thoroughly confused. This red Nautolan drops the sign on the floor and crosses his arms.

NICK (as Nyx): Okay. It sounds like you all already have a plan. I guess you don’t need any guidance or anything like that, so I’m gonna take off. I’ve got a hot date tonight.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who’s the date with? Can we help?

NICK (as Nyx): Well, it’s with my boyfriend. I think we’re probably far enough along that I don’t need any guidance on that, but I do appreciate it. I’m just gonna say, if whatever you’re looking for is probably out on the plains somewhere and you’re gonna need a speeder, I’m gonna let you get it from there. You don’t really seem to need my help. I’ve got more important things to do, so… if you don’t want to listen, I’ll take off. Go see your parents. Do whatever you want.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look. You can’t just do this whole “I am a mysterious Force user” thing and then get upset when people are like okay cool, you’re mysterious, whatever. If you’re not going to answer our questions or give us any information, like yeah, we’re going to go do something else. I don’t want to waste my time here.

NICK (as Nyx): I legitimately offered you the information and you changed the subject.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s your fault.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright Nyx… let’s nix this whole thing and start over.

CAMERON (as Karma): [disappointed exhale]

NICK (as Nyx): That is a solid pun.

NICK: He holds up his hand for a high-five.

HUDSON: I high-five back.

NICK: The clap is loud enough that people around in the spaceport look up kind of confusedly from what they were doing and then go back to what they’re doing. A stormtrooper standing over by a security checkpoint starts to put their hand to their helmet and talk on the radio while looking at you.

CAMERON: Karma leans down and picks up the Tink sign that Nyx dropped so that doesn’t get left here.

NICK: Good. Very good. Nyx looks over to the stormtrooper and you see him hold up three fingers on one hand and do kind of an idle waving gesture at the stormtrooper and shake his head. The stormtrooper about-faces and starts inspecting a wall.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, are you going to tell us why you are helping us or not?

NICK (as Nyx): Sure. You know, I thought it might be fun to get to know you a little bit. Sentinel usually sends me pretty interesting people. But sure, whatever you’re looking for, don’t know what it is, seems powerful, seems important. Like I said, it’s deep in the plains outside of the city. That whole area is a nature preserve so you’re probably gonna need to get a ride from somebody with the proper certifications. Look out for mythosaurs. Those are scary.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Wait a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. I don’t think those are real.

NICK (as Nyx): Oh, they’re real.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re real… You know what? Are you implying that we have to go on a safari?

NICK (as Nyx): You know… sure. Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Take us on a safari!

NICK (as Nyx): I’m not taking you on a safari. I’m just telling you that you might need to go find one. There’s lots of—

HUDSON (as Tink): Please~

LILIT (as Xianna): Is this all the information you have? That we’re supposed to go on a safari? You don’t know what we’re chasing? You don’t know what we’re looking for? You don’t know where it is? Just that we have to go out into the wilderness?

NICK (as Nyx): You know, you’re right. I’m getting tired of being all mythical and stuff. Y’all know Kettle? Crime lord, real scary lady.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK (as Nyx): Yeah, she’s out there.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are friends.

NICK (as Nyx): Eh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Kind of. Maybe.

NICK (as Nyx): Okay. So, uh… I was trying to be all mysterious and cool, let you discover things, but I’ll just tell you. Kettle has somehow made a base out there without being found by the government. It’s surrounded by a bunch of scary monsters. It’s a no fly zone. Only people with any sort of certifications or anything can even go out there. So yeah, you’ll probably need to hire some sort of transportation from somebody specialized. Those items that you’re looking for…

NICK: He waggles his brows at you all.

NICK (as Nyx): …Kettle has a couple of them. I bet they’re here. Sentinel said that’s where you would probably need to go next.

LILIT: Xianna whips around to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what do your parents do?

HUDSON (as Tink): [exhales]

LILIT (as Xianna): What are their jobs? Please tell me they are specialized in something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): [mildly irritated] Let’s wait and talk to them about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t—Do you not know what your parents do?

HUDSON (as Tink): [rushed, reprimanding] We’re talking about this right now. Stay on topic.

NICK: Nyx reaches a hand out and sets it on Tink’s forehead and closes his eyes.

NICK (as Nyx): I think one of them, something with… a teacher? I’m feeling like a teacher. And the other one is like a logistics agent? How close am I?

NICK: And puts his arms down.

HUDSON (as Tink): So one of them is a magician who deals with logistics.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh gosh.

CAMERON (as Karma): A logistical magician?

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea if that is true or not.

HUDSON (as Tink): And the other one is a teacher of the art of magic. They’re both magicians.

NICK (as Nyx): Interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

NICK (as Nyx): Well, that sounds nice. Have fun meeting your parents. Here are the coordinates roughly of where Kettle’s base is.

NICK: Nyx pulls out a data pad and flicks the screen and y’all’s data pads beep as you get some information.

NICK (as Nyx): And good luck. Probably try to avoid any security checkpoints on your way to wherever you’re going because you look really… distinctive. Just gonna throw that out there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, you know, surprisingly that hasn’t come up before.

NICK (as Nyx): Huh!

NICK: Nyx does the thing where he snaps with all his fingers and hits his palm onto the top of his fist.

NICK (as Nyx): So, uh… I was pretty much as clear as I could possibly be. You know what I know. We’ve already attracted a little attention. If you don’t have any more questions, I’m gonna go. You all don’t really seem to need much of my help.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, what help are you giving us?

NICK (as Nyx): Well, I literally told you where to go, but you know what… kriff you.

NICK: [laughs] And he turns on his heel and starts to walk out of the spaceport.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fucking Jedis are the worst.

NICK: Without looking over his shoulder he holds up his arm and flips the bird back at you and says…

NICK (as Nyx): Not a Jedi.

NICK: …and then a group of stormtroopers all stare at him and he does a little hand gesture and they turn around and walk the other direction, and he walks out of the spaceport.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I feel like that is a bad one to say.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: While y’all are talking, he walks through some sliding doors and there’s speeders going by and he just jumps into the street and as he’s landing he lands in the passenger seat of a speeder and goes flying off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, take us to your parents’ house. Let’s go.

NICK: [cackles]

HUDSON (as Tink): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I need to meet them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you have to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Failure to introduce me to the Boss man’s parents will negate primary user status. It voids your warranty.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa! Says who?!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s HK.

NICK (as HK): This is what we call in the business “blackmail.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK makes his own warranty.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is… HK, you know, since the beginning of our journeys together I feel that HK has gone downhill on an ethical level.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Uh, no, I feel it’s pretty consistent.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I feel like he was a murder bot from the very beginning.

NICK (as HK): I was curious where you were going with that, but trying to put it on an ethical standard is a very interesting tact. I actively crave murdering organics.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I was your… I was Boss Man.

NICK (as HK): You still are unless you don’t introduce me to your parents.

HUDSON (as Tink): [exasperated] Alright. We’re gonna just go pay them a surprise visit I guess.


NICK: So there’s a swipe and you are in a Star Wars suburb on the outskirts of Keldabe. Describe Tink’s parents’ house.

HUDSON: Tink’s parents’ house is kinda like a combination of a ranch that you’d find in the south US and Peewee’s Playhouse.

NICK: So it’s a one-story white stucco house with a slanted roof and a kinda brown deadish yard and a spiraling sidewalk leading up to the front door?

HUDSON: Yeah, weird as all hell.

NICK: Okay. What color is the house? I said white stucco—

HUDSON: Purple.

NICK: It’s purple stucco. Okay. Great. So, you head up to the door, a taxi speeder has let you out, and Tink, you knock on the door and it swings open, and both of Tink’s parents are standing there. What do they look like?

LILIT: A large Gigoran who has had the ends of her hair dyed bright pink opens the door and goes:

LILIT (as Rhonda): [voice: boisterous, southern] [gasps] Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Tink is home!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And this pink and white Gigoran turns their head and yells out:

LILIT (as Rhonda): Mossie! Mossie, you gotta get out here. Tink came home!

LILIT: She steps outside the doorframe and gives Tink a gigantic hug.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mom…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man under threat. Preparing weapons. [gun charging sound]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, you tell your droid friend to calm down before I smack him upside the head.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, disarm.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You are not under attack just because I’m giving you a  hug.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m an adult, mom. I’m too old for this.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Nobody’s too old for a hug.

CAMERON: Just this giant ball of white fur comes rushing out of the house and tackles the hugging pair. [laughs]

NICK: HK gently steps out of the way and pulls Xianna and Karma with him so they go tumbling down the sidewalk without hitting the rest of the crew.

NICK (as HK): Crisis averted. This attack is apparently non-damaging and is called a “hug.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes HK, it is called a hug. They happen all the time. Calm down. Also, I was not expecting Tink’s mom to be pink. That is a fun little addition.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… these are my, uh, friends on my—my adventuring friends on my important missions.

LILIT: Xianna is just standing there waving, smiling.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello Tink’s parents! I am very happy to meet you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): [voice: sweet, gentle] Tink, why didn’t you tell us you were coming?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): We don’t have snacks prepared at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… they insisted. We ended up on Mandalore, and… We don’t need snacks, it’s fine. We all ate earlier.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You mean you knew you were coming to Mandalore and you didn’t tell us?

NICK (as HK): Tink insisted that we not visit at all.

CAMERON (as Mossie): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!

NICK: And HK gives a double thumbs up to Tink like he’s helping.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not the case at all. I simply thought it would inconvenience you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): How?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Inconvenience us?

NICK (as HK): Tink says that you are both great magicians. Please show us magic.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, Tink is always exaggerating how good we are. Now, you watch this.

LILIT: She pulls out a pack of cards from amongst her fur and starts shuffling them with great skill.

NICK: HK gasps.

LILIT: And then holds it out in a fan.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, now you pick a card. Don’t show me though. You keep it to yourself. You can show your friends but don’t show me the card.

NICK: HK reaches out suspiciously and pulls a card quickly up and holds it right in front of his face.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, now you put it back into the deck wherever you want.

NICK: HK puts it on top of the deck.

LILIT (as Rhonda): [stammers] I mean, that’s…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Rhonda): That was an option, I guess.

NICK (as HK): That is where I wanted to put it.

LILIT (as Rhonda): And you did.

LILIT: She starts to shuffle the deck again, cutting it a few times, tosses it up into the air and catches it, shuffles it behind her back, and then hands the deck to Karma.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay sweetie, now you hold the deck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…

LILIT (as Rhonda): Did you see the card?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Now you and—I’m sorry. I did not catch your name, droid. What was it?

NICK (as HK): I am HK-67.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Now HK-67, you gotta think real hard about what that card was, okay?

NICK (as HK): I did not look at the card.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Well, then you.

LILIT: [laughs] She looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, then you, sweetie, you think real hard about what card it was. Okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright? Yep.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, I’m gonna need you to look at the bottom of your shoe.

CAMERON: Karma puts a hand on HK’s shoulder and leans over slightly to pull her foot up to look at the bottom of her shoe.

LILIT: There is no card there.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I’m just joshing with you, sweetie. Your card is not under your shoe. You are gonna wanna check your pocket, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which one?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Any of them.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma, while still holding the deck of cards in one hand, starts just sticking her hand in other pockets.

LILIT: Whichever pocket Karma puts her hand in first is where the card is.

CAMERON: Alright, it’s like right front pant pocket.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, is that the card? Please say yes. I  hope it was.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, HK, is this your card?

NICK (as HK): I did not look at the card.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, it’s his card. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, well we’re just gonna say it is because, you know, I guess he didn’t look, but uh… there you go.

NICK (as HK): This is amazing, and I’ve known people who can do literal space magic. I am impressed.

LILIT: Xianna is bouncing up and down next to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh. Tink. Tink, your parents are magicians. Why did you not tell me this, that it was true?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh… I didn’t think you’d be this excited?

LILIT (as Xianna): They are so weird. It is great!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, are we gonna stand out here all day or are you gonna come inside?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go in.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Why do you sound so sad about that, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): [huffs] I just…

CAMERON (as Mossie): First you didn’t want to come see us and now you don’t want to bring your friends to… What?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Are you embarrassed of us?

HUDSON (as Tink): No… I mean, uh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): Are you embarrassed of your friends?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a good question.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Consider your answer very carefully, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I’m not embarrassed of my friends. Let’s go in. Let’s just go in. Just, a lot of memories coming through these doors.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You say that like you had a bad childhood, Tink. What are you going on about?

CAMERON (as Mossie): It does sound very traumatic.

NICK: And so we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight herded inside by two lovely Gigoran parents. Next thing we see is everybody seated at large couches around a large wooden coffee table. There are snacks. There are weird polygons that are brightly colored and don’t really make sense as food, but they are delicious. You all are chatting and having a great time.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright, so Tink, introduce us to your friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): That… Alright, I will. So, we have Karma. Karma is a friend, and they are a pilot… and a fighter, and we go on adventures, and they shoot people. That is Xianna. Xianna—

LILIT: Xianna is still bouncing up and down, just smiling so big.

LILIT (as Xianna): Hello~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna is vulgar but has a good heart and also is a fighter who goes on adventures with me.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I like her.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] Yeah, I thought you would. And then we have HK, and HK is a droid who doesn’t have a heart but is good on adventures.

NICK (as HK): Technically my processor core is a piece of ancient technology that Tink jury-rigged to repair my chassis.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Oh, Tink always was good at computers.

LILIT (as Rhonda): He’s so good at it.

NICK (as HK): He is wanted on several galactic watch lists for hacking things he should not have.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Ugh, my little boy grew up so fast.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now, before we go any further, I guess I’ll just talk about why I’m a little uncomfortable. I always was under the impression ever since that I was just a screw-up to you all and you all weren’t proud of me, and I just have been carrying that for a long time now.

CAMERON (as Mossie): No~!

LILIT (as Rhonda): What in the tap dancing nerf? Why would you think that we were upset with you in any way?

HUDSON (as Tink): The spaghetti incident.

CAMERON (as Mossie): The what?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Mossie, do you…? The spaghetti? Was that—? What are you talking about?

CAMERON (as Mossie): Tink, you always loved spaghetti.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You love it when Mossie makes spaghetti!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no. Remember that one time when—

LILIT (as Rhonda): Yeah, she always puts in that extra sauce that you like. Mossie, tell him. You always make that extra sauce.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I always do it specifically because you like it so much.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not talking about that—

CAMERON (as Mossie): Now I hear you don’t want to come and see me because of my spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s not because of the spaghetti. There was this—

LILIT (as Rhonda): Do you not love her spaghetti?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I love the spaghetti. There was this one time that y’all were cooking your spaghetti, and…

HUDSON: Tink is starting to develop an accent {from you two}.


HUDSON (as Tink): Cookin’ y’all’s spaghetti, and you left it on the side of the sink, and the faucet was over there, and I washed my hands on the spaghetti side, and you were so upset.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, the soapy spaghetti? Tink, that… you were a kid.

NICK (as HK): That was my nickname in high school.

HUDSON (as Tink): No it— [exhales]

HUDSON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Rhonda): I don’t think droids go to high school.

HUDSON (as Tink): They don’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you did not go to high school.

NICK: [grinning] HK hangs his head.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Tink, you got some soap on the noodles and we just made more noodles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): Tink, that happened when you were like 11.

LILIT (as Rhonda): It’s been like over a decade. You thought we were still mad about that after ten years? We were mad about some soapy pasta?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was, but it sounds like y’all are okay now?

CAMERON (as Mossie): Honey, we’ve been okay. I didn’t know that this was an issue that you thought we had.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I had no idea. I thought you were just being weird because of all the teenager hormones and everything.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Yeah, and then you left for school and I figured you just were having too much fun to come hang out with your moms, and you know, that’s fine. We understand. We went to school and had the whole not talk to your parents thing for a while. But spaghetti? Really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. I’m relieved that you all are no longer mad at me about the spaghetti incident. I will say—

CAMERON (as Mossie): We never were~

HUDSON (as Tink): I will say, it made me who I am as a person. I used the angst from that incident to start my hacking career.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well… good?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, I’m flabbergasted.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well I love y’all, so do you wanna bring it in?!

CAMERON (as Mossie): yeah~

CAMERON: Hug again. Yay.


NICK: HK joins the group hug.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh? Well okay, you can join too, friend.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah HK, you’re welcome to join. You’re a little tight… a little tight. [stammers, assertive] A little tight.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): No, you cannot be hurt by a hug. It is not an attack. [buzzing]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, okay, slow down there, hot stuff. It does kinda sound like you’re firing up your gun and we have a no shooting in the house rule.

NICK (as HK): That is fine. I also have a knife.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, we also have no stabbings in the house.

HUDSON (as Tink): Haven’t you read all the embroideries on the wall? They’re listed there.

NICK: [laughs] There’s the little needlepoint that says “no shooting in the house” and shows an HK model droid with a mini gun and then there’s another one that says “no stabbing in the house” and it has a Nautolan carrying two different vibro-swords of different lengths.

LILIT: Xianna has gone to the bathroom and she pokes her head out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, excuse me? There is a needlepoint in here that says no doing drugs in the bathroom. Where should I do the drugs?

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, we just ask that you do them outside of the house.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, so like back on the front porch or something? Okay. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Yeah. Just let us know if you need any snacks or anything.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well Tink, I’m just… I wish you would have told us, because you know, we could have made a cake, fired up the grill, gotten some nerf ribs or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, we are gonna be here for a bit. Maybe we can come back for all that.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I hope you do. It’s been… It’s been a few years since you came home, and you know, I don’t want to say that we missed you, I don’t wanna get all sappy now, but—

CAMERON (as Mossie): I will say it. We missed you!

LILIT (as Rhonda): We missed you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw, I missed y’all too.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Then why didn’t you come see us?

LILIT (as Rhonda): You didn’t come home for Life Day.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mamas, I had the spaghetti angst.


LILIT (as Rhonda): You’re saying the spaghetti angst but I just don’t get it.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know Tink, I am happy that you have used this spaghetti angst that you have in a positive manner to help you reach your goals for hacking, but there’s really no… there’s really no need.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Well, y’all convinced me. Uh, just to keep you kinda clued in on our schedule, we’re going on a safari!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Ooh, really?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, well doesn’t that sound fun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Hey team, should they come with us?

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): How prepared are your parents for combat and to take the lives of other organics? Because that seems likely.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, I mean, it’s been a while.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I mean… what kind of game are we hunting?

NICK (as HK): The most dangerous game of all.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, well hot diggity dog.

CAMERON: I feel like there are definitely, like… there’s a fireplace and above it are the two crossed Gigoran axes.

LILIT: Oh yeah, this house is just full of doilies and crochet and needlepoints and cross-stitches…

CAMERON: And sharp pointy objects.

LILIT: …and weapons and a few mounted animal heads.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now, I will say, my parents have a very good disappearing act.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh! Oh!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Is this a hint?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Honey, do you want to bring out the box? Do you wanna do the disappearing trick?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright. Tink, will you be our assistant?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Okay. I will go get the box.

LILIT: Xianna’s clapping her hands at this point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my goodness! Oh, they are going to do a magic trick again! Tink, your parents are so fucking cool! Why did you not take us here earlier?!

NICK: So your parents leave the room and they come back with a Gigoran-sized—It looks like a coffin on a rolling cart with slots carved in it and it’s painted bright colors and the lid lifts easily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I am gonna go over and open the magic box~

NICK: The inside is dark and mysterious.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, now disappear, you two.

CAMERON: Mossie holds out a hand to assist Rhonda in climbing up into the box.

LILIT: Rhonda waves goodbye as she gets in the box and closes the door. There’s a puff of smoke and the door gently opens back up and she’s gone.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Ooh~

NICK: HK begins clapping very loudly. Clank, clank, clank, clank, clank.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps, claps quickly] She disappeared! Tink! Tink, why did you never tell us this?! Your moms are so cool!

HUDSON (as Tink): Just enjoy the moment, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): [strained] I am!

CAMERON: Mossie does a spin and then steps up into the box and pulls it closed.

NICK: The box spins on its own. There’s another poof of smoke and the door swings open, and it’s empty!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~


NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Rhonda pokes her head from the front entryway like down the stairs just a little bit and whispers.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay Tink, well uh, you tell us when you want us to come back and we’ll hang out with your friends. We don’t want to interrupt too much. Just give us a call. Okay? Love you, sweetie. Bye. I don’t wanna bother  you too much. Just like, we love you and you haven’t been home in a while, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh— [stammers, interrupted] Okay. Okay bye~

LILIT (as Rhonda): Send us a com message with your plans.

HUDSON (as Tink): Will do~

NICK: [smiling] So do y’all leave or do you still hang out at Tink’s parents’ house?

CAMERON: We’re still eating snacks!


NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 32 The Good, The Bad, The Explosive

PDF download: S2 Episode 32 The Good, The Bad, The Explosive

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 32:
The Good, The Bad, & The Explosive

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank two of our new Patreon backers, Strnad and Techdragon. Thank you so much for supporting the show. And, it comes at really good timing, because Tink has told me that he’s lost something in the ship. He won’t say what it is, just that it could be in the vents and he needs to find it right away. So, if you can go help him out with that… that would be great. Thank you.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 32 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. I am looking frantically at the wall of the study to try to think of inspiration for something random and charming to say, and um… painting of a pirate ship! Glad to have you here. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Olympic Medalist Hudson Jameson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Two questions.


NICK: One, what kind of medal?

CAMERON: An Olympic one.

HUDSON: An Olympic medal.

NICK: What place did you get?

HUDSON: Oh, they have places… I got second?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [chuckling] What color is the second medal, person who must be wearing it right now?

HUDSON: It’s silver, and if you bite it, it doesn’t break off.

NICK: Okay good. You’ve kept up with tradition. What event was it for? Bear in mind it’s the Summer Olympics so it doesn’t have anything to do with snow.

HUDSON: Extreme catfishing.

NICK: Oh, so you like pretended to be someone you weren’t on a dating site and you got second place at that?

HUDSON: While running, yes.

NICK: Oh, okay. Cool. Cool-cool-cool. Well, great to have you here, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I am not participating in the Olympics this year.

NICK: Oh, did you get… Why not?

HUDSON: Are you from Russia?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: No. See, I had shoulder surgery and the travel to Tokyo just wasn’t going to work out.

NICK: Oh, that makes sense.


NICK: Considering that you’re a globally ranked archer, the shoulder surgery was gonna kind of…

CAMERON: [snickers] Yeah, it just really tripped me up there. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Yeah. Wonderful. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Olympic Gold Medalist Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Yes, my gold medal was for catfishing, but mine was for noodlin’.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: So different form of catfishing.

NICK: It’s like the difference between Taekwondo sparring and Taekwondo demonstration. Like, the logos and the broadcast were similar but totally different events.

LILIT: Totally different. I caught a catfish with my bare hand.

NICK: Great. What was the weight of the winning catfish?

LILIT: Over 9000 pounds.

NICK: That’s a very large catfish.


HUDSON: Nick, I need to change my answer.

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: I’m sorry everyone, I lied. I was not catfishing or extreme catfishing. I was tablescaping. That is a professional competitive table making where you do themes and other accoutrement on the table to set it for dinner.

CAMERON: What was your theme?

HUDSON: My theme was… all the Rocky movies.


NICK: Wow. So lots of sides of meat, then?


CAMERON: Lots of stairs.

HUDSON: Yeah, the whole thing was stairs.

NICK: So, one last question and we’ll get off of this bit, but this one’s important. In the highly competitive global environment of tablescaping, what receives more of a weighted score? The speed in which you complete the setting or the overall style and continuity of the design.

HUDSON: I think that it depends on the judges. It’s very subjective.

NICK: No kidding. [laughs]

HUDSON: I’d be lying—

CAMERON: [laughing] It all depends on how hungry the judges are for how fast you set the table.

HUDSON: Yes, that actually is true. It’s a wild card thrown in there. You don’t know until you get to the event.

CAMERON: Did they feed the judges lunch today? I don’t know!

NICK: Wow… Alright. Well? I’m glad that we have so many competitive athletes on this podcast. That’s great.

LILIT: Also, great news, the catfish that I caught, my gold medal catfish, will be arriving next week. We are building it a pool in our backyard where it will live, all 9,000 pounds of it. I have named this catfish Big Jeyb.


NICK: Oh goodness. Well, before we do the recap of the episode, at the risk of becoming just a fantasy Olympic recitation podcast, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side!


NICK: Nice. Very good.

LILIT: Nice!


NICK: So, when we last left the crew of the Afternoon Delight, you all had fought your way to the summit of Lessu, the capital city of Ryloth. Infiltrated the governor’s palace. Xianna and Taan’na had fought Endo to a standstill, forcing him to retreat but being pretty injured in the process. Karma and Tink and HK were able to convince some security droids that they were magicians and then kill them.

You all met in the governor’s office and ordered HK to kill them, blasting them out of a window to their certain demise. The last thing that we heard was Karma saying that her escape plan was just to walk out of the office… and that’s what happens more or less.

We get a couple of scenes of you all quick-stepping your way through these labyrinthine passages. There are scenes in the background where you were fighting before but you’re able to get past there. You dodge a couple of guard patrols. You’re able to sneak out of the governor’s mansion without really any more conflict.

We see a quick shot of all of you dropping over the wall back into the main city. The next thing we see is the Imperial speeder that you arrived in leaving the city. You take a side route and are able to dodge most of the patrols. There’s a rotation of guards so you are lucky enough not to get stopped by the same guards that you lied to and said you were giving the speeder back having bought it at an auction.

You see as you’re crossing the bridge that there is already platoons of stormtroopers and imperial investigators cordoning off parts of the city, beginning to investigate this incursion that you all did and locking everything down. We see the transport whizzing over the desert floor, and then the next thing we see is all of you in a debriefing room. It’s not very large, but inside is your group, Taan’na, and Colonel Kachadorian, and you’re catching the colonel up on the mission.

HUDSON: I pull chance cubes out of my pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): These are the puppies that gave me the decision to end their life.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think that is a good thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? I didn’t kill them, I made the decision.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK (as HK): Exclamation: I killed them and I deserve credit for it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… We did go in already having decided to kill the governor, so you were really just kind of reconfirming the choice with the chance cubes to then give HK the order to actually do it. Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): You still ordered a political assassination.

HUDSON (as Tink): It was decided. You heard Karma.

NICK: Kachadorian raises a finger.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Well, technically I ordered the assassination. You were following the instructions that I gave you, if that helps. You seem to be a little torn up about the situation. Well, not Tink and certainly not your droid, but the rest of you seem to have gotten a little bogged down in the moral implications.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly I just think that Tink should have thrown a gun at him first. I just feel weird about killing somebody who is unarmed, you know?

NICK (as Taan): I don’t usually agree with her, especially not lately, but she has a point. Tink, if you had just thrown a gun at him it would have been fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s all I had to do?

NICK (as Taan): Then he was armed!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You’ve never done that before?

CAMERON (as Karma): I… See, I don’t know necessarily if, like… [sighs] There were… By the time—

LILIT (as Xianna): No. If you throw a gun at somebody and they touch the gun, that means they are armed, and then if you kill them, that means it is self-defense and not murder.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh—No. Okay, so having someone holding a gun does not, like, it doesn’t automatically necessitate you shooting them in self-defense if they touch a gun.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I do feel the need to weigh in here as a leader of the Rebellion. Lawfulness and morality, not necessarily the same thing. That being said, great job killing that political person. It is great. The Empire is going to leave now. We are going to have no more problems. You have done a great thing murdering that, I assume based on your conversation, unarmed man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can I get more cucumber water?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Uh, yeah. The pitcher is right by you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Oh, okay.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I’m not going to pour it for you. I am a Rebellion Commander.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well fine, fancy-shmancy person.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so I don’t know. I highly doubt it that the Empire is just going to decide to call it a day and pack up all of their troops and head home. It would be lovely if it did work out that way for you, but I feel like there are going to be ripples from this, Colonel.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Where were your misgivings when we were talking about the original assignment?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I didn’t have misgivings about taking out the governor. I’m just saying I don’t think it is going to be as clean-cut as you’re saying of just well, I guess we’ve killed the governor, now they’ll give up.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I kind of thought you were assassinating the governor just for funzies. You know, to like make a point? Not because you thought the Empire would actually leave you all alone after that.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann. Funzies?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You know, when you do something for fun?

NICK (as Taan): Normally we do not launch suicide missions to highly fortified political fortresses for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): It wasn’t a suicide mission.

NICK (as Taan): It sure looked like one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…

NICK (as Taan): Look. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate your skill that you have developed over time. You clearly work well together and have bonded as almost a family, like me and my sister have not had a chance to. But, ugh, we were trying to make a major impact. Sure, the Empire may not just leave, but this could be a large Sabacc chip that when it falls over could start the process to freeing our people. This was not something we did as a hobby.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no, that’s not what I was—I wasn’t saying at all that taking out the governor wasn’t going to have an impact like that. It just… I don’t think it’s as cut-and-dry as the colonel made it out to sound of just yep, they’re gonna leave now. I think it’s definitely a stepping point to continue moving forward in the battle against the Empire, but I don’t think you’re in any way probably done with getting them off of Ryloth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, there’s like an 80% chance you’re gonna have an orbital bombardment now. They fucking love doing those.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This may be true, but it is a risk we are willing to take for freedom of our people. Either way, we do appreciate everything you have done and I hope that you will consider us as potential allies in the future. We do appreciate you, sincerely. Thank you all. Just out of a personal curiosity, what are you going to do next? I know Endo attacked you and he was your main reason for being here. Great call on him being a traitor, by the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… thanks.

LILIT (as Xianna): I told you all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, real surprise on that one.

NICK (as Taan): yes, you said it, but he had a better track record than you, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): [indignant] No he did not!

NICK (as Taan): He has been helping us for years. You have abandoned us for years.

LILIT (as Xianna): I sent you money.

NICK: Taan’na just purses her lips together in a very thin line and looks to Colonel Kachadorian, and he shrugs, like obviously not interested in getting into that argument.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Well, either way. Regardless, we would love to be able to help you more, but besides offering you our sincere friendship we do not have much, I’m afraid. But, we are, like I said, very curious. Where are you going next?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. See, I’m very much disappointed that there was only one casualty on this mission and I’d like to make another one happen. Do y’all know? Like, it didn’t look like Endo had been camping out with y’all full-time. Do y’all know where his little group kind of set up base?

NICK: This is punctuated by HK charging his rifle with a [click-click, whir]. The colonel looks to Taan’na.

NICK (as Taan): We never really merged forces entirely so that theoretically if we were to finally lose this war Endo could escape. It was part of his agreement.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Taan): But we could give you a heading. We do know the general direction from which they come. I would imagine he is hulled up somewhere in a cave much like this one, perhaps smaller. But we could give you a direction and maybe you could track him down if that’s what you want to do. The fact that he attempted to kill me, and Xiann, does make me want to help you to eliminate the threat. As well as if you could regain our funds, that would be nice as well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like a plan to me.

NICK: So, Colonel Kachadorian takes out a large data pad that has a topographical map of the area. You can see from the size of the You Are Here X that it’s pretty zoomed out. He draws a dotted line with a stylus and then circles a couple of areas along the line at like 20, 40, and 80 kilometers out.

NICK (as Kachadorian): These would be my best guesses on where you could find them. Hopefully as you get closer either you could find some of their patrols or just stumble upon their base or track them in some other way. It sounded like you injured Endo pretty badly, so you might be able to catch him before he even runs to ground again. You can keep this, hopefully it helps. Please go with our blessing and with the hope of the Rylothi people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have any info on any ship he may have?

NICK (as Kachadorian): He was always very careful to approach us by ground.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I don’t have a lot of information, I’m afraid. He was very careful which in hindsight, considering he was betraying us and extending our conflict with the Empire for profiteering, does make sense.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t suppose any of his pirate buddies happened to stick around and are still here?

NICK (as Kachadorian): No. When he left they left. They went in opposite directions. His crew went along that line that we indicated. It’s our best hope. They often go in slightly different directions. This is what you might call an average of the headings that they took. They would spread in different directions, but I think this one is the most likely.

NICK: Taan’na, under her breath, says:

NICK (as Taan): That piece of shit!

NICK: You can tell she’s a lot more angry at Endo than she let on originally.

LILIT: Xianna’s just sighing and shaking her head in the background.

LILIT (as Xianna): [quietly] I could have told you that.

NICK: She almost turns towards you, Xianna, and you can see her ball her fists and hold them down at her sides and force herself to stay professional. HK has been standing by the wall.

NICK (as HK): Declaration: Now we hunt the most dangerous game of all, Endo.


NICK: We cut to you all standing at the entrance to the Rylothi Resistance base and the sun is blotted out of the sky by a low-flying, very large star destroyer. The ground begins to rumble as large turbo laser blasts begin to strike down on roads and infrastructure, destroying things seemingly at random. Clouds of TIE fighters are starting to come out of the landing bays and set up search patterns. Unfortunately, it looks like your guess about orbital bombardment and an Imperial crackdown was exactly correct.

Taan’na is standing next to you all—Kachadorian having wandered off—looking at the sky. She pulls her goggles down and she turns to the crew of the Afternoon Delight.

NICK (as Taan): Well, I still think it was worth it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You think they’re here because of us?

NICK (as Taan): Yes, I think they’re here because of us, Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): They must have had a star destroyer close.

NICK (as Taan): It must have been time for one of their patrols. They were in the area, but they won’t be leaving anytime soon. We’ll have to close the blast doors and try to wait it out. Hopefully the impact on the civilians won’t be too great. But… isn’t your ship in Lessu?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Yup.

NICK (as Taan): Are you still going to go after Endo?

CAMERON: Karma is just staring off into the middle distance in between where the path that Colonel Kachadorian had drawn for where we would need to go for following Endo and back towards Lessu and just looks really conflicted.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know about that anymore. Uh… what are we gonna do here?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. I have some pretty neat shit on the ship still.

NICK (as HK): Sage Statement: Who can put a price on the life of a living being? It is priceless. We should take it from Endo.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] That went in a different direction than I was expecting, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, but my bedroom has a clap-down disco ball.

NICK: Is Creamsicle still on the ship?



LILIT: Xianna’s eyes get real wide as she says that and she opens up one of her pockets on her coat and looks in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh kriff. Creamsicle is also on the ship! Creamsicle is not in one of my pockets! Creamsicle has stolen the ship!

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Before you get in a tizzy, I know that I’ve been a magician this whole time, but I think I’m about to retire.

HUDSON: So, I remove my top hat and I stick my hand in and I say…

HUDSON (as Tink): Behold!

HUDSON: …and I pull out a loth-rat. … I look very confused.

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, that is not Creamsicle. Was that supposed to be Creamsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] Yeah…

CAMERON (as Karma): How long have you had a loth-rat in your hat?

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not even orange.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you’re right.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where did you get that loth-rat?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Have you had that this whole time?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it just hasn’t come up until now.

NICK: The loth-rat bites Tink on the hand.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

HUDSON: I throw it.


CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure you don’t want to let that run off. That’s gonna be an invasive species.

NICK (as HK): Statement: We are not even on Lothal. We are on Ryloth.

NICK: The loth-rat scurries out into the desert and under a rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so Creamsicle’s on the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. We have to go back to the ship. We’ll kill Endo some other time. Then it will be better, we will have more time to prepare. We can come up with some witty one-liners to say when we shoot him, or stab him, or cut his head off, or whatever we end up doing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like, it’s the Endo the line.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

LILIT: Xianna finger guns at Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Yeah…

NICK (as HK): I am prepared to help you with your Endoscopy.

CAMERON (as Karma): [bothered, lingering] Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. No. That one… We’ll workshop it.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll workshop it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Yeah.


LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll open up a Space Word Doc.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK (as HK): I do not understand the emphasis on Creamsicle. There is another loth-rat right over there and—

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not the same loth-rat, HK!

NICK (as HK): That one was slightly bigger and therefore more valuable.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that one is certainly not trained to steal credits.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do think that, if we want to be able to get off of planet any time soon, heading back to the ship now probably is gonna be our best bet, because we can feign ignorance having wandered in from the desert if we run into any patrols.

NICK (as Taan): They are going to be on complete lockdown. I would say your best bet is to take the Imperial transport and try to blast your way through to the landing pad. They’ll be aimed in doing the investigation. You might be able to make it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would y’all be okay with us taking the transport?

NICK: The camera pans over to the transport. It’s got blaster marks all over it. It’s not in prime condition by any means. There’s half-dried blood stains near the exit where the fighting happened originally.

NICK (as Taan): I think we could let it go. Consider it part of your payment for helping us before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Well, we’ll try to do some more damage to the Empire on our way out I guess.

NICK: She grins toothily at you, Karma.

NICK (as Taan): I like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you like me?

NICK (as Taan): I like you too, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as Taan): And I like you, HK.

NICK: She looks at Xianna for a second.

NICK (as Taan): So, I guess you better be going.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s because you love me. You don’t just like me.

NICK (as Taan): [heavy sigh]

LILIT (as Xianna): You have to. I’m your sister.

NICK (as Taan): We don’t have time to get into this, but you can like and love someone at the same time. Right now I’m finding the need to choose one or the other, and I will pick love. I do love you, Xiann. Don’t make it another ten years, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. I will make it eight years. We’ll slowly work our way down.

NICK (as Taan): [cheerfully] By the time we’re 100 we’ll see each other once a month.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh… no, I don’t think the math is gonna work out that way, actually. But, you have our com number, so…

NICK (as Taan): Okay. Well, be careful. Please protect my sister so she can make up for some of the harm she’s done.

NICK: Taan’na holds her arms out for a big hug.

HUDSON: We all go in for the hug.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma doesn’t. Karma realizes it’s for Xianna.

HUDSON: [laughing] I said we all go in for the hug.

LILIT: [smiling] I’m sure Xianna goes in for the hug and then Tink just smooshes them all together.

LILIT (as Xianna): [strained] Tink, this hug was for me. This hug was not for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh… Oh. I just got the cues wrong. Sorry.

NICK (as Taan): One at a time. One at a time.

NICK: Tink drops the two of them. They finish their sisterly hug. There’s some head tail twitching in a quiet conversation. Then Taan’na holds her arms out and gives Tink a big hug. She does finger guns at HK because he’s not much of a hugger.

NICK (as Taan): Karma, it’s been very nice meeting you.

CAMERON (as Karma): You as well.

NICK (as Taan): Do you… Do you want a hug?

CAMERON: We fistbump. It’s very badass.

NICK (as Taan): Okay yes, fistbump. Thank you for the fistbump.


NICK: The next thing we see is the Imperial transport whizzing its way back across the desert towards Lessu. There are patrols spaced out around the perimeter of the cliff that Lessu is next to. You can see that there are several parked armored transports much like yours on either side of the bridge. Who’s driving, who’s navigating, and who’s in the gunner turret?

CAMERON: Does this transport just have the big gun up top?

NICK: Yeah, and it has slits for other guns. You can shoot out of it.


NICK: But it only has the one main cannon.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m driving!

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, you wanna get up top?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I will do the pew-pew.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you cover the left side on the slits. I’ll take the right.

NICK (as HK): Inappropriate Joke: Do you think Xianna is compensating for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weary] No, I don’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a good one, HK.


LILIT: Xianna pops her head back down out of the gunnery seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am compensating for your face!

NICK (as HK): Tink, do you have any repair kits? I have taken severe burning damage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, let me see. Wait, I retired.

NICK (as HK): That was a joke. That was a joke. Ha-ha-ha.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, hold on. I’m looking for a repair kit.

CAMERON (as Karma): In your hat? Really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I’ve retired, so there’s nothing else in my hat.

NICK: Another loth-rat comes crawling out of the hat that’s sitting at the baseboard.


HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait—Actually, never mind.

NICK: So, the transport is whizzing along. Tink is piloting. Xianna is in the gunnery seat. On either side there are some window slits and Karma and HK are aiming out as you approach the main way. You get a coms hail when you’re still several hundred meters out. Do you answer it, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi! This is Tink.

CAMERON: Everyone facepalms.


NICK (as trooper): We do not recognize that designation. What is your soldier designation? Why are you approaching at speed?

HUDSON (as Tink): Roger that. Uh… uh, uh…

NICK (as trooper): Slow down and prepare for search. You are behaving inappropriately.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re ghosts~ No. We don’t… [stammers] You can’t search me, I’m a ghost~ Your hands would just go through me as you try to pat me down.

NICK (as trooper): … Do you think he’s actually a ghost, captain?

NICK (as captain): No, he’s not a ghost!

LILIT (as trooper): I don’t know, he might be a real ghost. Do you remember Jonathan? He said he saw a ghost last week, so could be real.

NICK (as trooper): Nobody listens to the reserve soldiers.

NICK: The coms call cuts out and they begin to shoot at you, even from a distance. Tink, I’m gonna need a Piloting (Planetary) check from you at hard difficulty.

HUDSON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: So you don’t get shot, but they actually close ranks on the bridge so it is now blocked off by these two transports. Describe how you drive so that they don’t manage to shoot you.

HUDSON: I’m driving just full speed, shifting, swinging back and forth my vehicle to the beat of Barracuda.

NICK: [laughs, hums riff from Barracuda] Swerve-swerve… So, we see the ship doing a hard rock kind of swerve to dodge these lasers flying at you. Xianna, the only way you’re gonna get over this bridge is by blowing one of these transports into the canal below. I’m going to need a Gunnery check from you at hard difficulty with a black die because you’re being swerved all over the place.

LILIT: Can I aim?

NICK: You can have a blue die for aiming. [chuckles]

LILIT: I would like to flip a Destiny Point to get an upgraded die.

CAMERON: Flipped.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That is a triumph, no success though, and three failures.

NICK: Huh. Well…

HUDSON: Oh wow, that is awful.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: You whiff really hard trying to shoot these transports, but something good happens.

CAMERON: You shoot something in front of the transports and it makes a ramp over them so we can jump them to get to the bridge. [laughs]


LILIT: Absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You line up your shot. The swerving is just too difficult to aim, but the cannon kicks even harder than you expected it to and it blows a large slab of stone up out of the ground and lands at a slant. Tink, you see that if you manage to gun it you might be able to just jump over this barricade and land on the bridge and make your way into the city. I’m going to need another Piloting check from you.

CAMERON: [giggling, sarcastic] This is safe.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: [indignant, astonished] Hard! [laughs]


NICK: That’s not because I said it, it’s just because this is a wild maneuver to attempt to do.

HUDSON: Can I get a blue die because I just told HK to leave his position, go to the back of the transport and turn the knob to turn on the NOS?

NICK: Um… So, if you flip a light side point there can be NOS.

HUDSON: Great. I’m flipping a light side point.


NICK: You can have like three blue dice for that because you’re also taking away one of your gunner’s positions to have him to hit a turbo button.

HUDSON: Turbo button is happening. Alright, here I go rolling. I got two advantages.

NICK: Well…

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: You fail. So, the advantages are you don’t die, which is nice.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yay.

NICK: You attempt to hit the ramp, hit it at a side, it causes you to spin out, and you smash into the barricade knocking these two speeders aside and sliding onto the front of the bridge, and your engine dies.

We get the shaky cam as everybody looks out the windows at where they are and there’s just hordes of stormtroopers walking towards you carefully and smoke is rising from your speeder. You’re gonna need to get that restarted or this run for the ship is gonna end a lot faster than you were expecting. I need a Mechanics check at hard difficulty.

HUDSON: You got it.

NICK: You can have a blue die because HK is helping.

HUDSON: One failure, one advantage. [laughs]

NICK: You connect some wires. There’s sparks, and a plume of smoke comes out of the dashboard of the speeder. You hear as you try to start it, it goes [gradual power loss sounds]

CAMERON: Karma has run to the back now and is looking out the slits along the back of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tiiink?!

HUDSON (as Tink): [casually] Yeah? Huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s up!

CAMERON (as Karma): Why aren’t we moving?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… [stammers] This isn’t necessarily a computer, y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well get it working.

CAMERON: Karma’s just taking potshots at stormtroopers as they approach.

LILIT (as Xianna): But you still know how to fix things. Fix it!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Let’s just say theoretically, everyone, what if I can’t?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Fix it!

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. Do it!

HUDSON (as Tink): We need a Plan B…

NICK (as HK): Tink, do or do not, there is no try.

NICK: Karma, I need you to make a shooting roll at average difficulty and also HK will be making one as you both shoot out the back slits. Xianna, do you want to shoot at the people who are approaching?

LILIT: Yes I do.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Are there just people walking towards us or are the two speeders that were there also still shooting at us?

NICK: The two speeders are stuck. The turrets are starting to turn towards you, but this is just the…


NICK: It’s the shot of the stormtroopers looking hesitant walking towards you and then your blasters start shooting out.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool.

LILIT: For Xianna’s Gunnery check, that is one success, five advantages.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

CAMERON: Karma’s got two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then HK is five successes and a threat.

NICK: Okay. With that, we see the zoomed out shot and then y’all’s turret is slowly grinding and turning towards the stormtroopers. Blaster fire starts to shoot out of the back hatch as HK and Karma open fire and hit quite a few stormtroopers. Four or five of them go down in the initial salvo. They start to shoot back and fall into cover. Xianna hits one with the large cannon, just turning him into little flecks of white plastic armor, but with all of those advantages it forces the rest of the stormtroopers down into cover and they begin to return fire.

You can see the armor on the inside of this transport starting to heat up under the lasers that are hitting it over and over again. Tink, make me another check to try to start the speeder. This one is average difficulty. You’re gonna wanna make this one. [laughs]

HUDSON: Do I get a blue die for anyone helping me?

NICK: No, they’re all shooting right now.

HUDSON: Four successes, one threat.

NICK: Great. So, describe how you’re able to get this thing started again and take off into the city?

HUDSON: I see if anyone’s looking at me and I spit in it and I hit it with my fist a few times.

NICK: [gradual power loss sounds, followed by rapid pickup and energized whooshing] The speeder lifts off the ground and fishtails a little bit, kicking up dirt even though it doesn’t have tires, and heads off across the bridge. You’re able to make it into the city. You’re dodging in and out of very thin roads. There’s stormtroopers at corners that shoot at you. They’ve all heard on the radio. Do you all congratulate Tink or anything?

LILIT: You do hear Xianna yell down from the gunnery seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink~

HUDSON (as Tink): It was nothing. It was easy-peasy.

NICK: Xianna, as you’re moving the turret to try to shoot at stormtroopers in these crossroads you see a pair of magneted stormtrooper boots clomp down on the roof of the speeder right in your viewport and too close for you to aim the turret at, and two stormtroopers start to move to stick their guns into the turret to shoot down into the ship.

LILIT: Xianna sees these stormtroopers lock down with their magnet boots. She’s like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no.

LILIT: …and ducks, presses her back up against the wall so she’s right underneath the window, takes out a grenade and hooks it onto the armor of the closest foot through the window.

NICK: [laughs] You don’t have to roll for that. I think the tradeoff is that you hear…

NICK (as stormtrooper): Oh no! Grenade! Grenade!

NICK: …and then it explodes and blows a crater in the top of the speeder, ripping the turret off. It goes slamming down the road. One of the stormtroopers is stuck to it. The other one managed to get clear. But you see this big piece of wreckage that you’ve created smash into some stormtroopers that were chasing you on speeder bikes and they explode.

LILIT: Xianna laughs.

NICK: There is one stormtrooper still standing up top, and Xianna, you’ve dropped down into the main body of the speeder since your chair is now exploded. You are all kind of sitting ducks right now from the other stormtrooper.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can’t do nothing, y’all. I’m driving.

CAMERON: Yeah. I think Karma’s just been running and is at one of the front corners constantly just shooting as we approach crossroads and stuff, so doesn’t notice, until the explosion happens, when she turns around.

NICK: You lock eyes with the stormtrooper who’s on top of the speeder and you realize the only thing that you can do is get up there and fight him because you’re not gonna be able to shoot him from this angle, not without him hitting your friends.

CAMERON: Alright. I run up into what once was the gunner seat and pull myself through to the top and swing my gun around and pull out my vibro-sword.

NICK: We get this zoomed-out shot as the speeder comes skidding around a corner. We see the Afternoon Delight parked at a far distance at the Lessu Spaceport. This stormtrooper sees Karma draw their sword and the stormtrooper likewise slings their carbine onto their back and pulls out one of those stunny-whippy batons that they use in The Force Awakens.

CAMERON: No, he’s a cool badass stormtrooper. [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah. I’m going to need a melee attack against two purples and a red, Karma, and Tink, I’m going to need a—Oh, before you roll that though, Tink, I’m gonna need another drive check at hard difficulty as you try to navigate these narrow streets.

HUDSON: I have a success and a threat.

NICK: With the threat, Karma, your feet are a little unstable as this whips around and you don’t have magnet boots so you’ll have a black die on this.

CAMERON: Five successes and one threat.

NICK: Well, that guy’s hosed. Describe this well-choreographed fight scene on top of the speeder before you handily destroy this stormtrooper.

CAMERON: I think it’s a… There’s some fancy fencing going on for a little bit, but every time we turn a corner Karma slides in whichever direction we’re turning just because her boots aren’t sticking her to the roof in one place.

So, one of the times that we turn a corner it’s a particularly sharp, like, it’s more than a 90 degree turn, so she ends up slightly farther to the side than the stormtrooper’s expecting and is able to completely avoid the thwobbity-thwobbity as he swings it, and just the standard picture Olympic fencing move of her just diving in with one arm and just piercing through the armor.

NICK: We get the…

NICK (as stormtrooper): [pathetic pained shouting]

NICK: …as he’s impaled and his boots disengage and he slides off of the speeder. This armored speeder is in really bad shape as it comes coasting into the landing pad. There’s some more camera angles of HK and Xianna shooting out of the windows at pursuit, and it crashes and slides on the landing pad leaving shredded-up asphalt behind it. You all pile out and run up the ramp into the Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ll get it started! HK, Xianna, can y’all get to the guns? I don’t think this is gonna be smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, let’s go-go-go!

HUDSON (as Tink): Y’all, y’all, y’all… I think I left my cape back at the base.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Leave the cape. It does not matter. We will get you a new one.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, we’d have to drive—

NICK (as HK): No-no, Boss Man is right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, really?

NICK (as HK): Boss Man is right. That cape is important. Let’s go do it again.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. We have other capes, Tink. We will get you a new one. Let’s go!

HUDSON (as Tink): You promise?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Tink. This is not the time! Yes, I promise we will get you a new cape. Now let’s go!

CAMERON (as Karma): Just check the costume closet!

LILIT (as Xianna): We have so many capes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: You all have already taken off as you argue with Tink.

CAMERON: The ship starts to hover and slowly lifts off.

NICK: The landing ramp is closing up. HK is sliding into one of the seats and maneuvering the trackball to move the turret.

LILIT: Xianna’s spinning around in the gunner chair, Creamsicle sitting atop her head.

NICK: Yeah. There was a momentary reunion as Xianna ran in where Creamsicle was indeed on the ship. You can also see that some of the other ships in this landing pad have been exploded by turbo laser fire, so you’re glad you made it back before that happened. The ship lifts off, and I’m gonna need a Piloting (Planetary) check at hard difficulty to see if you can get out of these fighter screens.

CAMERON: Two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Nice. So, there are at least three flights of TIE fighters zeroing in on your location. You’re able to spiral your way through them without any issues. You don’t take any turbo laser fire from the flack pattern that’s raining down from this star destroyer when you’re below it or from the additional turbo lasers when you get above it. You’re able to rocket out into space. It’s very good.

The last thing you see is Xianna and HK plugging away at TIE fighters, having hit a couple, and the Afternoon Delight snaps into hyperspace with a blind jump to throw off any pursuit, and you’re in the lengthened-stars blue tunnel of safety as you rocket away from Ryloth and from Xianna’s sister and from the aftermath of your actions.

CAMERON: When you say it that way it feels like we’re fleeing because we did something wrong~

NICK: [laughs] There’s just repercussions, that’s all.

HUDSON: Tink walks over to where most of the crew is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder what Endo’s up to.

HUDSON: And then there’s like a [wobbly sound] dream sequence or bubble that goes and shows what Endo’s doing.

NICK: Do you actually wanna see what Endo’s doing?

HUDSON: Yeah, sure.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, the camera, it goes [wobbly sound] and Tink’s just staring into space, and then there’s a swipe cut to Endo in a dark cave. He has a large freighter about the size of a YT-2400 but it’s all slanted angles and it’s painted mat black. There’s probably 10 or 15 pirates with him as he’s giving orders to pack up and go.

NICK (as Endo): There’s nothing left on this planet for us. Let’s go.

NICK: This ship takes off and it has active cloaking, so while you all are blasting your way out of orbit getting shot at by everyone this one just shimmers out of visibility and flies off the other direction. You can see Endo sitting in a captain’s chair looking really upset while a pirate in medical clothing is wrapping his wounds in bacta and gauze, bandaging him up for the next fight. He’s grumbling to himself and talking about his revenge, and we cut back to the Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON (as Karma): What are you staring at, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh? Oh… Uh, nothing, just thinking. Why? What are you staring at?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, you just like were talking and then just looked off and got silent. I was just making sure you were alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. I just… I feel kinda funny.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you didn’t get into those cookies that I keep in my room, did you?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we’ve had this discussion before. You can’t eat those cookies. They are special cookies just for me.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Tink, you hear a familiar voice echoing as though from a far distance.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, you must listen to me. You must go to Mandalore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore…?

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): What? Mandalore?

LILIT: Man lore? [giggles]

HUDSON: There’s no man lore.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): I just got this… voice in my head that’s telling me to go to Mandalore.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, seek out Nyx.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. The voice now said Stevie Nicks?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, a voice in your head? Shit. Tink, did you touch those stickers?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I didn’t touch the stickers.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’re not supposed to touch them! Don’t eat them either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Wait, I was wrong. Seek out Nyx.

NICK (as Sentinel): They are a Jedi Seeker.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re a Jedi Seeker.

NICK (as Sentinel): One that I trained with long ago. They will help you find pieces of the Shattered Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait. They just sent me a long message. Hold on, all.


HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… They’re a Jedi. They’re a Jedi and they got trained… They have the—Wait. The pieces of the Force are with them.

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore~

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore?

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore…

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore~

LILIT: Xianna is rummaging around in her room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! One of these cookies has a gigantic bite taken out of it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it was Creamsicle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Creamsicle’s mouth is not this big. This absolutely is your size. Half the cookie is gone. Tink, we talked about this. These are not normal cookies!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just saying, it was just this very familiar voice in my head telling me that we need to go to Mandalore for the Jedi, for Nyx the Jedi. The Jedi Nyx.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… was it Sentinel?

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe…?

NICK: Who? [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): It was a familiar voice trying to get us to go see a Jedi? That… Can you send voice messages with the Force?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m guessing you can. There’s a lot of things you can do with the Force.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The Force works in mysterious ways. I know that.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, one time I ate one of these cookies and the news was on and I swear to the Force that I thought the Emperor was inside my kitchen making me spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): That doesn’t sound right.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t really picture Palpatine as the homemaking type.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, turns out I had broken into somebody else’s house and they were making spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I really, really did thought it was the Emperor Palpatine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you get any spaghetti or did they like scream when they noticed that you were in their house?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, they gave me some spaghetti.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well that was nice of them. Alright, so we’re going to Mandalore?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to Mandalore!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I guess we are just going to trust Tink’s weird drug vision.

HUDSON (as Tink): [grumpy] It wasn’t a drug vision.

CAMERON (as Karma): Computers aren’t working?

LILIT (as Xianna): Then where did my cookie go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you think I really just got on the ship and had a cookie?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, who else did? HK can’t consume food.

HUDSON (as Tink): He can too.

NICK (as HK): I can consume food out of spite, I just receive no benefit from it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): I did not eat the cookie.

LILIT (as Xianna): I do not think it was Karma. Karma, did you eat half of this special cookie over here?

CAMERON (as Karma): No I did not.

LILIT (as Xianna): Without asking me. That was hidden inside of my room.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well Xianna, Xianna… [musically, cheerful] Someone stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Who me? Not me! [flatly] Not me.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode.


ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Geez.

HUDSON: I’m okay ending on that.

LILIT: Post-credit theme. Xianna’s holding the cookie and she slowly starts turning her head and looking at Sabos’s room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is the ship haunted? Did Sabos’s ghost eat this cookie?


NICK: Ba-naaa~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 31 A Moral Quandary

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 31:
A Moral Quandary

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 31! I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s the first episode of the rest of our lives. Glad to have you. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with… Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Awesome. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

HUDSON: No bits today, you know.

LILIT: No, no bits.

CAMERON: No, pretty straightforward.

NICK: Wo. I was waiting to call everyone out on it, but now you called it out so it’s not like a win, really. It’s just an observation.

HUDSON: No, you can still save it, Nick. You can still do a bit.

NICK: Um… Oh no, I panicked. I have nothing.

CAMERON: Yeah, no, you’ve waited too long now. It’s not gonna work.

NICK: I got no bits.

HUDSON: Oh, I got some—

LILIT: [silly voice] Eyy, I’m doing a bit over here!


NICK: There it is.

LILIT: [silly voice] Eyy, there it is, we’re doing a bit.

HUDSON: Wait, is that Donny?

LILIT: No, that’s not Donny.


HUDSON: Oh. A little deeper accent for Donny.

LILIT: [Donny’s voice] Yeah, you know, this is Donny, [silly voice] but this is not Donny. Eyy! I make’a the pizza!


NICK: God damn it. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: I have one light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

NICK: Great! When we last left off you all had begun your infiltration of the governor’s mansion on Lessu, on the planet of Ryloth, with an intention to assassinate the governor, hopefully removing some Imperial influence from the planet and helping the Twi’lek people to gain some independence and freedom. You split up into two groups: Xianna with her sister, Taan’na, went with Endo and went one direction into the mansion, and Karma, Tink and HK went the other way.

Avoiding several security patrols and eventually coming to a group of security bots by a door that you assume leads to the office, on the part of HK, Karma and Tink, and finding a large empty darkened room on the parts of Xianna and Taan’na where Endo decided to make his move and try to kill Xianna for vengeance and presumably just because he’s not very nice. So, that’s where we left off.

We open with a shot of a pair of very stylish boots. A rivulet of blood runs down to pool along the floor. We pan up to see a pair of utilitarian pants, part of a Twi’lek staff uniform, tucked into the boots. The pants are soaked in blood. As we pull back we see Xianna with a wound in her back. Her sister, Taan’na, is a few meters away looking around in the dark. A voice echoes from the shadows.

NICK (as Endo): I was going to keep Taan’na alive. She’s been useful for squeezing every last credit out of the Resistance. It’s a shame that she’ll die to the Empire on this mission.

NICK: Taan’na looks slightly panicked and shoots her blaster into the dark and Endo laughs.

NICK (as Endo): [sinister, smug] Hahahaha.

NICK: We cut to HK, Tink and Karma. They are dressed in formal attire. HK just planted a blaster bolt into the back of a security droid’s head. To everyone’s surprise, it doesn’t drop but instead begins to power weapons. An alarm starts to blare in the distance and both droids begin to aim at their assailants. This narrow hallway offers very little cover. You can’t help but feel like a gooberfish in a barrel.

We’re gonna start by rolling initiative! Let’s do two separate initiatives because we’re gonna jump back and forth in combat, so let’s do Karma, Tink and HK first and then we’ll do Xianna, Taan’na and Endo second.

CAMERON: Karma’s got two successes, four advantages.

HUDSON: Tink has one success and three advantages.

NICK: HK is rolling two yellows and a green.

CAMERON: Two successes, three advantages.

NICK: These droids will be going individually. They roll three yellow.

CAMERON: Five successes, one advantage. Two successes, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. First up is an NPC. The droid that didn’t get shot turns its weapons towards HK. It looks like it’s priming up a missile and then calculating the blast radius and instead changes to the rotary cannons on its arms. It tries to light HK up from short range. So it’ll be three yellows versus one purple.

CAMERON: Three advantages.

NICK: Wow. Okay. So, this thing shoots and the blasters trace up the walls around HK but he’s able to hide behind the droid that he just shot, the droid named Beef, and takes cover behind there so the other droid can’t hit him. But, that means HK is right in line for this other droid to shoot him and that droid will be getting two blue dice on their turn. Up next we have a PC slot.

HUDSON: How many light side points do we have?

NICK: Three.


HUDSON: Can I use a light side point to have a weapon or a thing that can be used as a weapon that I didn’t previously say I had?

CAMERON: You’ve got your axe on you.

HUDSON: True. I was wanting magnetic sand to throw at them from my pocket.

CAMERON: [giggling] Okay.

LILIT: [delighted] Pocket sand!

HUDSON: And mess up their internals.

NICK: Yeah, you could flip a light side point to have some sort of strange mix of mercury and iron that’s magnetic.

CAMERON: Didn’t last time you have a triumph where you could pull out something randomly for a magic trick at any point?

NICK: Oh yeah! Yeah.

HUDSON: Oh! Okay. Then I don’t even need to use a light side point.

NICK: So you don’t even have to flip a light side point. You said that you had something that you would pull from your hat and that it was going to be a surprise. So, describe pulling this item from your hat. All according to plan.

HUDSON: So I quickly flip open my hat and I flip it in the air a few times. I catch it and I stick my hand in there and I pull out some iron sandy pellets that are magnetized. I say alakazam and I throw it at Beef as hard as I can to try to get some of these magnetized pellets into their internals.

NICK: Okay, make me a light ranged attack. We’ll say at easy difficulty because you’re very close.

HUDSON: Two successes.

NICK: Okay. You can either do 4 damage or you can use those successes to give two permanent black dice to Beef as his sensors go completely haywire. Which would you like to do?

HUDSON: Permanent black dice to Beef.

NICK: Okay. This stuff sticks to the droid’s face and he tries to wipe it off, but he has gun arms and he’s a large chassis droid so he can’t really reach his face, because he was not designed to be able to do that. So it just jams up his eyes and all of his sensors. It sounds like if you took an old mechanical hard drive and sprinkled sand on it while it was running full-speed. It just makes this grinding whirring noise. You’ve messed it up real good.

Up next is another NPC slot. Beef, the droid that was just hit, is going to attempt to shoot HK. It’s three yellows, one purple, two black dice and two blue dice. [laughs]



CAMERON: One failure, five advantages.

NICK: What the heck? Huh. He attempts to shoot. He doesn’t shoot anywhere near HK, but what he does hit is the lighting system and all of the lights completely go out. Anybody who doesn’t have some sort of way to see in pitch blackness, because there’s no windows in this hallway, is going to have two black dice added until you can get the lights back on or until you leave the room. Speaking of it getting dark, we jump over to this large cafeteria.

Somewhere from the shadows, Xianna, you can hear Endo laughing. His voice seems to be bouncing around the room. Taan’na looks very unsettled and confused. What do you do?

LILIT: Would it be within the realm of possibilities to say that Xianna would have brought her scanner goggles with her?

NICK: Yeah, I figured you did.

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna would take out the scanner goggles, plop those on, and then shoot Endo with a blaster.

NICK: Okay. Go ahead and make me a hard Perception check, but you’ll have no black die for the dark room because you’re wearing your scanner goggles.

LILIT: Two advantages.

NICK: So, unfortunately, you are not able to see Endo. He’s ducked back behind something. Maybe he’s in the vents. You don’t really know exactly how his teleportation that he’s doing works. But you shoot a couple of shots into the shadows, the laughing redoubles, and I’m gonna need you to roll initiative.

LILIT: Two advantages.

NICK: Okay. Cameron, roll me a yellow and two green for Taan’na please.

CAMERON: A success and four advantages.

NICK: And then roll me three yellows.

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh shit. Four successes and two triumphs?

NICK: Oh… Huh.

CAMERON: [disappointed] Why did I have to use up all my triumph rolls on Endo?

NICK: I don’t know… Xianna, what’s the worst thing you can imagine happening at the beginning of this fight?

LILIT: Being dead.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay, let’s take it down one notch from there. I was thinking he steals your goggles off  your head. With the two triumphs as the starts, we start off with Endo. You’re beginning to recognize a certain rush of wind that happens as he teleports. You can feel the air stir. You haven’t figured out how to triangulate his movements with it yet, but you know he’s just moved.

The world goes dark as your scanner goggles are ripped from your head and you hear more chuckling laughter in the shadows. Endo spends a couple of strain and is going to shoot at Taan’na. Oh no, he doesn’t shoot, he’s got knives. Just kidding. You see him land behind Taan’na and wind up to take a strike at her with his vibro-knives, and it’s three yellow versus two purple, Cameron.

CAMERON: Five successes and one threat?

NICK: Holy cow. Well, Endo plunges the blade into her back right between Taan’na’s shoulder blades, and you can hear the impact from where you’re standing. She falls to her knees. That… That was a really bad hit. She is not unconscious, but she is doing very badly. She’s bleeding heavily. But, she turns, and can you make me a Perception check, Cameron, as Endo blinks out of existence?

CAMERON: Two successes, two threats.

NICK: Nice. The threats are she’s still a target, but she’s able to see where Endo went and she takes a shot at him. That’s a yellow and two greens, average difficulty, but there are two black dice for some reason. It’s just really hard to hit Endo. Then, an additional black die because it’s dark.

CAMERON: But then she gets a blue die because she’s aiming? Because she’s a good guy?

NICK: Sure. Yeah, she’s aiming. Oh… I forgot, though. It’s upgraded twice because Endo is Adversary 2.

CAMERON: So, a yellow, two green, a blue, two red, and three black. Three failures, one advantage, and a triumph.

NICK: So I think with the triumph she doesn’t hurt him but she hits him somewhere where he starts to bleed just a little, like it leaves a trail of blood, so you all are able to keep up with him a lot easier while he’s teleporting. You’ve kind of negated the fact that you have to find him in the dark.

Now he’s just all over the place. He grimaces but doesn’t notice and begins to flick around the room, and Xianna, you’re able to track on him. It is your turn. You are hurt very badly. Taan’na is hurt very badly. You’re fighting a knife-wielding hard-to-hit teleporting bug lizard guy. What are you gonna do?

LILIT: I’m going to aim and then shoot him.

NICK: Okay. You are able to find him, however it is three black dice: two for some reason, he’s hard to hit, one because it’s dark, and it is average difficulty. But it’s two reds because he has Adversary 2.

CAMERON: So add two purples and then subtract two purples and then replace those with two reds. [laughs]

NICK: [smiling] I don’t know why I always say it like that. I’m sorry.

LILIT: That is one success and four advantages.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Four advantages is enough to crit because I have a Crit 3.

NICK: Great.

LILIT: It’s also a Pierce 2. Do we still have a Destiny Point?

CAMERON: Oh yeah, we got three.

LILIT: I’m going to use my skill Soft Spot which is after making a successful attack I may spend one Destiny Point to add damage equal to Cunning to a hit.

NICK: Oh! Okay.

LILIT: And my Cunning is a 5. So, the damage on that blaster is a 7, plus a success is an 8, plus 5 is 13.

NICK: Dang. Pierce 2?

LILIT: Pierce 2 with that crit.

NICK: Pretty good.

CAMERON: Alright. I will roll said crit. An 81?

LILIT: Ugh, 81: Winded. Cannot voluntarily suffer strain until end of encounter.

NICK: That just means he can’t aim, basically, because he’s using his movement every turn to blink around.


NICK: You hurt Endo very badly. What does it look like as you shoot this guy and really put him on the back foot? He was not expecting to take a hit like that.

LILIT: Xianna listens and hears a drop of blood falling and knows that must be where Endo is and is able to see the outline of his body, take aim, and then blast him where his shoulder meets his neck.

NICK: Great. He stumbles backwards and lets out a call of pain before blinking away. We’re going to jump back to the fight outside the governor’s office. Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: That would be Karma.

NICK: There are still two droids standing. They have shot at HK twice and missed.

CAMERON: Okay. How long is this hallway?

NICK: The hallway is probably medium range if you’re at the end of it.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool. Thank you.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So, I am going to shoot 5247.

NICK: Okay. The uninjured droid.

CAMERON: Yes. It is dark, but I have my scope so I remove those two black dice, and then I’m aiming… and I shoot them. [laughs] Four successes and two triumphs.

NICK: Dang. Okay.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: So how much damage is that?

CAMERON: Uh… 17 damage?

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: With two crits.

NICK: Yeah. So go ahead and roll that crit. It’s +10 for the additional crit and then plus whatever your Lethal Blows is, which I know is a lot.


NICK: So it’s +40.

CAMERON: So we’re at +50. Uh, a 76, +50.

NICK: Yeah, so 126.

HUDSON: 126 through 130: Gruesome Injury. Permanent -1 penalty to random characteristic.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: Roll a d10, Cameron.

CAMERON: Okay. A 2.

NICK: What is the 2 on the characteristic, Hudson?

HUDSON: 1 through 3 is Brawn.

NICK: Oh, okay, so he’s got less Soak now. The droid doesn’t go down but it is injured very, very badly. It’s barely hanging on with this massive shot. Where do you hit it?

CAMERON: Just straight center of the back. Just going for center of mass.

NICK: So you core out part of this droid. You can see it starts to move in a more jerky motion and bits of sparks and shards of armor spray onto the wall in front of this droid. You have made yourself known that you are also here. Up next is a PC slot. Last to go from this group would be HK. He’s going to try and knife Beef.

CAMERON: [snickers] I forgot he had a knife. [laughs]

LILIT: [amused] Knife Beef!

NICK: He lets go of his gun with one hand and you can see a blue glowing blade fountain up like a bit of water and then solidify and he tries to stab out the ocular attachment of the droid in front of him that had tried to shoot him and missed. He is going to aim.

CAMERON: With his knife?

NICK: Yeah. They said you could aim melee attacks. Didn’t I lose that argument?

CAMERON: You can aim if you’re throwing.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay fine.

CAMERON: We’ve said no aiming the melee.

NICK: Okay, then he’s not gonna aim. Cool. Good, I win. But he rolls one yellow and one green.

CAMERON: Nothing!

NICK: So he attempts to stab this droid straight in the eye socket and it manages to bat the knife away.

NICK (as HK): Well why did I do that? Next time I’ll use my gun. Stand still.

NICK: We’re going to jump back to the cafeteria. We are on Endo’s turn. I think he’s gonna attack Taan’na again, but he’ll have a black die this time because now y’all have started to figure out his strategy. Endo blinks to right in front of Taan’na and says…

NICK (as Endo): Boo.

NICK: …and tries to stab her in the chest.

CAMERON: He was at three yellows? For stabbings.

NICK: Three yellows, mm-hmm, but he has a black die because Taan’na is paying attention.

CAMERON: A success and a triumph?

NICK: Uh-oh. Roll me up that crit. He does have Vicious 2, so it’ll be +20.


NICK: Plus 2, or +20, so 106.


LILIT: Horrific Injury, -1 penalty to random characteristic until injury is healed. They have a d10 chart.

CAMERON: Okay. That’s a 4.

LILIT: Agility.

NICK: Oh no.


NICK: So, I think he appears in front of her, goes like he’s going to stab her in the chest then ducks and cuts at the back of her leg. Okay, she’s barely up, just barely. Taan’na is limping.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, shoot this kriffer in the face.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the fuck do you think I have been doing?! I have been trying! Just shut up!

NICK (as Taan): I am bleeding—

LILIT (as Xianna): Why don’t you shoot him?!

NICK (as Taan): I’m trying to shoot him. You’re the one who seems to be successful.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve been trying to shoot him. I did shoot him. Did you not see? I did! I hit him!

NICK (as Taan): You hit him, but look who’s getting stabbed. I am getting stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why are you like this? You always do this.

NICK (as Taan): I always do this? How would you even know? You haven’t been in my life for ten years.

NICK: [chuckles] And she starts to list from blood loss and holds herself up. It is Taan’na’s turn. She aims her gun at Xianna and shoots, and let’s see what happens. Two yellows and a green versus average difficulty.

CAMERON: But they’re reds.

NICK: But they’re reds, but she’s aiming.

CAMERON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Hey! Nice. Xianna, you see your sister aim her gun at you and then pull slightly to the right. She shoots just over your shoulder and you can hear the impact as Endo is struck from where he was standing right behind you. He says…

NICK (as Endo): Kriff!

NICK: …and starts to step backwards into the shadows. Your sister smiles grimly. You can see blood staining her teeth a little bit even in the dark.

NICK (as Taan): There! See? I hit him, just like you asked. Now take care of this immediately. This is not good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, I told you. I told you Endo sucked and you didn’t listen. This is exactly like the time that you tried to bring that baby blurrg home, and I told you that the blurrg was awful and it smelled and that I don’t even think it was a real blurrg, but you kept going “no-no-no, mama will let us keep it, mama will let us keep it.” And I told you mama will not let us keep it, and I was right, and she made us go give it back to the races. It is exactly like that. You never listen to me.

NICK (as Taan): But that turned out to be Mister Stompers. You love Mister Stompers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I love Mister Stompers because he won me money. He was a terrible, terrible blurrg and he would have made an awful pet. I tried to warn you, but no, no, Xianna doesn’t know anything.

NICK: Taan’na looks like she’s barely staying on her feet and you hear her grumble.

NICK (as Taan): He didn’t smell that bad.

NICK: It is your turn.

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna turn around and shoot at Endo.

NICK: Yep. He has not yet teleported, so we’ll see. We’ll say he’s short range so only a red and a purple. One black die because it is dark and two black dice because of other reasons.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: [laughing] So yes, three.

LILIT: So yes, with three black dice. That is one success and three advantages.

NICK: Nice. How much damage is that? You also get a crit, right?

LILIT: Yes. So that is a crit… That would be 8 damage, 2 Pierce, and that crit which would be +10 because this is his second crit.

CAMERON: A 99, so 109.

LILIT: A 109 is Horrific Injury.

NICK & CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Minus 1 penalty to a random characteristic until injury is healed. That’s the d10 chart.


LILIT: Brawn.

NICK: That’s good. He uses knives. Ooh boy, he’s in a bad way.


NICK: Mm-hmm… So, with that, do you have anything snarky to say to your sister as you shoot Endo? He yelps and teleports.

LILIT: After shooting Endo, Xianna whips back around to Taan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mister Stompers smelled worse than a tauntaun and you know it.

NICK: We’ll cut away to the hallway in front of the governor’s office. We’re back to the top of the initiative. Droid 5247 who is kind of cored out is going to turn and shoot a missile down the hallway at Karma, because Karma is not in the blast radius. That’s gonna be three yellows versus two purples.

CAMERON: And a black because I have Defense.

NICK: And a black because you have Defense.

CAMERON: A triumph and one advantage.

NICK: What?! So I don’t hit you?

CAMERON: Nuh-uh.

NICK: [grumbles]

HUDSON: But it’s real cool-looking.

CAMERON: But… one advantage and a triumph.

NICK: Yeah. So… [huffs] Here’s what he’s gonna do. He doesn’t hit you. The missile goes towards you and then I think you shoot one of the stabilizer fins of the missile, trying to shoot it down, and it flies up into the ceiling, makes a big explosion, knocks you backwards, and there’s a hail of rubble as the hallway is closed off. So, you are blocked from the rest of the group. You’re gonna have to find a way through or go around.


NICK: Up next is a PC slot. Who would like to go?

HUDSON: I’ll go.

NICK: Okie-dokie.

HUDSON: I use my vibro-axe to kill Beef.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

HUDSON: Or attempt to kill Beef.

NICK: Beef’s face is blinking. He’s confused. He’s been shot in the back of the head already. Go ahead and roll that up.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success and an advantage.

NICK: Okay!

HUDSON: And I have Crit 1, so I think I do a crit or whatever.

NICK: Yeah, you do. You do a crit and then you can do a crit, an additional +10 since it’s Crit 1.

HUDSON: And I have Pierce 2 and Vicious 4, so that does…

NICK: Plus 50.

HUDSON: Plus 50 on my crit. Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. He hasn’t been crit on yet this combat, but that’s still +50.


HUDSON: Plus 50.

NICK: Plus 50.

HUDSON: Seventy.

LILIT: Okay, so 70 is Scattered Senses. Gains no blue dice until end of encounter.

NICK: Okay. Well, his senses are already pretty damn scattered. How do you scatter this robot’s senses, Hudson? How do you hit him?

HUDSON: I turn my axe to the side and just lunge forward and just shove it in its tummy.

NICK: It goes straight through. We get that cool silhouette shot of the axe coming out the back of the droid and the momentary pause. Up next we’ve got Beef. Beef is staring at this axe embedded in his chest and he’s just going to plant the gun in his arm against Tink’s chest and pull the trigger a whole bunch. This will be an easy difficulty check.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: Ooh. That is 10 damage coming at you, Tink.


NICK: He isn’t able to activate Auto-Fire, so that’s good, because that would have been very bad for you.

HUDSON: I have 11 damage left.

NICK: Okay. He just shoots you straight in the chest from basically point-blank range. Even with his unwieldy gun arms, he’s able to get that shot. Up next is a PC slot. Karma, are you gonna use it to try to get back to the rest of your group or are you gonna let HK go first?

CAMERON: From walking up here and having spent a large amount of time wandering through this mansion, do I think that there would be another way to get around?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Or was it this hallway was… this was the path?

NICK: You have two options cinematically speaking. One, you can run around. There were some doorways in that hallway. You figure one of them probably connects to a side hall. You could try and find it. Or two, back around the corner where you were there was a window. You could blast out the window and try to get into the governor’s office by climbing on the outside if you wanted.

CAMERON: [grinning] Yeah, I want to do that.

NICK: Okay. So you—

CAMERON: [grinning] That makes no sense. Let’s do it.

NICK: Yeah. Well, it’ll be cool. So you run back around the corner. There’s a window. You shoot it open and you start to climb on the stonework on the outside of this. We get the shot of Karma very small against this huge background at the top of this mountain with the wind whipping her head tails back and forth. And you start to climb. Roll me an Athletics check at hard difficulty.

CAMERON: Just a single success.

NICK: Okay. You start to climb your way along this ledge. It’s taking a little while, but you know you’re gonna find a way into the building further along. Now, the hallway that you were in did not have windows, but maybe you’ll find a window into a side door or maybe somewhere else.

With that, we’re gonna have HK go. He is going to attempt to kill 5247 who is right in front of him. He is going to aim, he is at short range, he is going to shoot with his sniper rifle. He rolls two green and two yellow.

CAMERON: Four successes, one advantage.

NICK: Nice. That is… oh gosh, 13 damage. So he kills 5247, just shoots his head straight off.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, it is just me and you. Perhaps we can finish this mission before Karma finds her way around. Then we can take the credit. Quick, finish off your opponent.

NICK: We are going to jump back to the cafeteria. Xianna, it’s been roughly 30 seconds and you haven’t heard Endo move or been attacked. You are not sure where he is.

LILIT: Xianna starts looking around the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Endo? Did we kill you? If we did, I guess don’t answer.

NICK: Taan’na is limping towards you.

NICK (as Taan’na): Why would he answer if he is alive and he couldn’t answer if he is dead? That’s a stupid question.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, I will ask a better question. Endo, is your mother single? I’m going to go date your mother. I’m going to become your new stepdaddy. Endo~

NICK (as Taan’na): Xiann, that is gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): It works. You have no idea how many people I have gotten to get angry with me and give away their location with that one.

NICK: From a dark corner of the room where you can see just the barest outline of a door you hear Endo say:

NICK (as Endo): You won’t be able to because you’re not making it out of here alive.

LILIT: Xianna points towards the door.

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] See? See?! I told you. It works.

NICK: You can feel his glare from where you are even though you can’t see it. He runs through the door, like ducks through it and slams it shut, and you can hear maglocks engaging. Endo has vanished somewhere into the governor’s mansion.

LILIT: Xianna turns around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Taan, how hurt are you? Because I’m pretty fucking hurt.

NICK: Taan just sits cross-legged on the ground at your feet and puts her head in her hand.

NICK (as Taan): I have been better. Do you have any supplies? I hesitate to ask if you have medical training, but here we are.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t really have much medical training outside of stim packs and stuff. And also—

LILIT: Xianna holds up a finger.

LILIT (as Xianna): If Tink tells you he is a doctor, he is not a doctor.

NICK (as Taan): He does not look like a doctor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Absolutely not. He has never been to medical school or gotten a degree at all. Do not trust him.

HUDSON: Tink feels a disturbance in the Force.


NICK (as Taan): Yeah, that seems like a pretty strange thing to claim. He did offer me some very good legal advice, though.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is also not a lawyer. I’m pretty sure he just went to school for computers.

NICK (as Taan): Oh. You’re hanging with a strange crew.

NICK: She is slumping further and further down. You can tell, she’s probably about to lose consciousness.

LILIT: Yeah. So usually all of the bullshit Xianna brings with her is because she can fit it all into the coat. Would I have brought a select handful of things? Like the scanner goggles and stim packs.

NICK: Yeah. I would imagine you brought an assault kit.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: You kept your good stuff.

LILIT: Xianna takes out two stim packs, hands one to Taan, and then uses the second one to inject herself.

NICK (as Taan): Oof… Did you just give me drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): I gave you a stim pack, but if you want drugs I do have some.

NICK (as Taan): No, I do not want drugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just brought the impact with me. I did not bring anything else. I also found some weird hot spice a while back and I have not really found the perfect time to use it. I’m waiting for like a big party or like a very big event…

NICK (as Taan): Xiann… Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as Taan): I need you to focus up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I’m focused.

NICK (as Taan): We are here to kill someone. We are not here to party.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, Endo. Oh, also the governor. Like whatever. How hard can that be? That is like just some dude.

NICK (as Taan): It does not matter if we kill Endo. He has given away his game. He will not be part of the Rebellion anymore. We will not be paying him. Hopefully we will be able to track him down soon. We must kill the governor while we are here. Security will only get stronger.

LILIT: Xianna walks over and grabs a tablecloth off one of the tables.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Let’s make sure we are not bleeding anywhere or like super obviously injured so we can go back out and start looking for the governor so that we can kill him and get out of here. Also, if you’re not gonna pay Endo anymore, can I take that money? Like, if you already had it in the budget that you were going to spend it. Can we have that?

NICK (as Taan): That was mostly for food and supplies. Are you going to start smuggling us food and supplies, Xiann?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean I could. But also, I myself need food and supplies.

NICK (as Taan): But if we were paying you there would need to be some sort of exchange of services, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We could almost certainly smuggle you some food and supplies at some point.

NICK (as Taan): Then we would pay you. But no, I am not going to just give you what’s left of our money as a “well at least Endo is not working for us anymore” present. That doesn’t make any sense.

NICK: This whole time you’re talking you’re bandaging each other under your clothes and cleaning as much of the blood off as possible. You stand by the door heading a different direction from the way Endo went and you’re straightening your collars. Xianna, Taan’na wipes your shoulders off and pats both hands on your shoulders.

NICK (as Taan): You clean up pretty good, sister.

LILIT: Xianna strikes a little pose.

LILIT (as Xianna): I clean up very good. I’m very hot. Anyways.

LILIT: Xianna pats Taan on the head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, let’s go now.

NICK: The two of you head off alone into the mansion. I need a hard Streetwise check to see if you’re able to move without being detected and if you’re able to figure out where the governor’s office is quickly. There are two black dice because you have blaster wounds and you haven’t been here before.

LILIT: Could I argue for a blue die because we looked at blueprints?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Also I have Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

LILIT: So I can remove black dice from Streetwise or Knowledge (Underworld) checks. That is five successes and one advantage.

NICK: Awesome. You’re able very quickly to know exactly where to go and people think you’re just part of the staff. You grab some cleaning supplies and what looks like some paperwork and just start to hustle down the hallways. We are going to cut back to Tink and HK. We’re back to a PC slot. Tink, whatcha gonna do?

HUDSON: I’m gonna do another vibro-axe hit if I can.

NICK: You absolutely can. Beef is in a bad way. You had your axe just buried into its chest a second ago. You do still have two black dice because it is dark.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and two advantages.

NICK: Wow. So that’s +30, and you have 40, so whatever it is it’s +70. Go ahead and let’s roll that crit first, because the damage may not matter.


NICK: [laughs] Plus 70 is 104.

LILIT: 104 is the one that we have called Permanent Injury. One limb is permanently lost. Cannot perform actions with limb. All other actions have a black die.

NICK: Okay, so it wasn’t the Horrific Injury one. It was just very close.

HUDSON: Oh, I thought it was.

CAMERON: We were just a few off.

LILIT: We’ve cut off a hand! This is a big Star Wars moment.

NICK: Mm-hmm. How much damage was that?

HUDSON: Five +3 +1 is…

NICK: Nine?


NICK: Okay. This droid grabs the haft of your vibro-axe and pulls it out of his chest. You pull the axe back and swing it down, and he tries to block it with his arm and you just sheer straight through his forearm and then bury the axe in his head, and Beef drops. You have finished the other droid, and the hallway falls eerily quiet.

NICK (as HK): Tink, I believe the governor is through this door. Let us go and finish the job.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got beef?! Not anymore.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait. Governor, yeah. We’re going through the door.

NICK: We get a shot from inside this dark wood paneled office with big bay windows looking out over the city of Lessu and then these double doors are kicked open by HK and Tink who stand back to back for a second. Standing in front of a desk is a thin white man with gray hair.

NICK (as governor): Oh no. You may have come to kill me. Please don’t. I am so sorry. Uh… There’s no reason to do this. I can do whatever you want. I’m very valuable. Please, let’s talk about this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… What do you think, HK?

NICK (as HK): I am always a fan of ending organics’ puny lives. Just say the word, Boss Man.

NICK (as governor): No-no-no! Don’t. There’s no reason to do that. I’m much more valuable alive. I promise. I’m a governor, I’m extremely important and valuable. Anything you could possibly need, sir, just don’t… don’t kill me.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do I know you’re the real governor and not a body double?

NICK: The governor looks kind of perplexed for a second.

NICK (as governor): Well, uh… I guess you don’t. Maybe I’m a body double, in which case don’t kill me, or I am not, in which case don’t kill me. I would really like for you to not shoot me right now, or stab me I suppose.

NICK: He says, looking at your giant vibro-axe. HK’s gun is spinning up.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I think if I hit him with enough blaster bolts at once he may fly backwards through that window. It would look really cool.

HUDSON: Agh, should I? Should we kill him?

NICK: This is a moral quandary, Hudson. This is a not-innocent person but he is unarmed and he’s asking to not die. They say that there’s a reason to kill him. The person who’s normally your moral compass fell out of a building, which was not expected.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m afraid if we don’t end you right now then someone from the Rebellion is gonna come in and end you much more gruesomely, so it’s kind of up to you.

NICK (as governor): No. Don’t try to justify “oh, we’re giving him a clean end.” If you kill me, you killed me. Even if your droid friend does it, this is on you. You don’t have to do this. I could give you money. I can give you positions of power. I can give you a pardon, an Imperial pardon. Anything that you want. Just please, there’s no reason to do this.

HUDSON: Tink is very conflicted.

NICK: Karma, describe how you burst through this window behind the guy.

CAMERON: So you know the wedding scene in Shrek where the dragon just bursts through the stained glass window in the back of the room?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: That’s what happens. It’s the same window that HK was talking about shooting him through that would look really cool, and she comes bursting in instead.

NICK (as governor): [embarrassing startled sounds] Whoa! What was that?

NICK (as HK): Primary user Karma, that was really cool.

CAMERON: Karma stands up from her superhero landing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you have given me imperatives that I am not allowed to kill organics that are unarmed. Please give me the order override so that I can kill the governor.

NICK (as governor): No-no-no, there’s no reason. I’m unarmed. I can help you. You’re not gonna be able to get out of here. Just, uh… Just don’t kill me.

HUDSON (as Tink): I got it.

HUDSON: Tink digs in his pocket and he pulls out his chance cubes. [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Yes Boss Man, let’s engage in psychological torture first. Great idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no-no-no, this is different. This is just deciding if he lives or dies via chance cubes.

NICK (as governor): No, I’m pretty sure the droid’s right. Making it up to chance, even perceived chance, is kind of messed up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… that’s how it’s going down.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so we got blue sides and red sides. Over the course of multiple rolls, if there is more blue than red then you live, otherwise if it’s red you die.

NICK (as governor): Wait. How many rolls are you doing? Otherwise you could just roll until you get the result you want.

HUDSON (as Tink): If the first roll comes up with two of the same color, I stop. If it’s mixed, then I keep rolling.

NICK (as governor): This seems really— … Okay. Okay. Let’s just see how this goes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, it’s two reds…

NICK (as governor): Whoa. There’s no reason to do this.

NICK (as HK): You said it yourself, Boss Man. You rolled. You gave him a fair chance. Give me the order override.

NICK (as governor): No-no-no-no-no!

HUDSON: Tink kind of turns his head away so he doesn’t have to see it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh… order override. Shoot him.

[dramatic pause]

NICK: HK spins up and just riddles this guy with blaster bolts, and he is absolutely right, the guy flies backwards and falls out of the window. We get a zoomed out shot of just this one corpse falling out of the governor’s mansion. As that’s happening, Xianna and Taan’na come bursting into the office from a separate doorway.

NICK (as HK): Mission accomplished.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, HK, did you just kill an unarmed man?

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] He was evil! Taan. Taan, he’s evil, right?

NICK (as Taan): Yes. He has been repressing our people for years. You did the right thing, HK. You will get all of the credit. Good job.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa! Whoa. No, the decision was up to me and I came up with the decision and I should get some of the credit.

NICK (as Taan): So you’re saying that you killed an unarmed man, Tink?

CAMERON: Karma walks over to the very, very, very shattered window at this point and looks out, and down. How far is this cliff? Can I see that he landed?

NICK: You can see that he hit the ground. It’s like 15 floors. It’s very far away.


NICK: It’s Star Wars, so it’s not close enough that it’s gross and gory, but yeah, that guy’s hecka dead.

LILIT: Also he got riddled with bullets. [laughs]

CAMERON: He took fall damage. He’s very dead.

NICK: Yeah. Also, that too.

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. The bullets may have not killed him. It could have been the fall which we did not do. We did not make him fall, the bullets did.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we’re not doing this again. I just… I feel like there is definitely a philosophical discussion to happen about killing people and war and what is ethical and what is not and all of that, but like, he didn’t have a gun or anything. You should have at least thrown a gun at him so that it would have been a fair fight.

HUDSON (as Tink): I threw my chance cubes instead.

LILIT (as Xianna): That doesn’t count!

NICK (as Taan): That man has destroyed our culture and our city. He deserved to die. You did the right thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): [meekly] So, I’m gonna get like a parade in my honor, right?

NICK (as Taan): Well first we have to win this whole resistance war thing. We’re not really big on parades right now, but maybe we’ll have some extra rations.

HUDSON (as Tink): I want a little statue.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, why do you want a parade? Parades suck.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, I’ll go with a statue, like a fountain statue.

CAMERON: Is there anything cool in this office? Karma’s just walking around while this conversation is happening.

NICK: What a great question~! Roll me a Skulduggery check.

CAMERON: Two successes and a triumph.

NICK: You find a safe hidden behind a painting of the Emperor standing there looking really fatherly and encouraging, which is super weird. You’ve never seen a depiction of the Emperor smiling before and it just looks unnatural. You pull the painting back and there’s a safe. You’re able to get Tink to slice it really easily while you’re arguing. It’s not complicated.

On the inside you find sheaves and sheaves of documents and papers with lots and lots of very interesting information including something on the top which appears to be an accounting sheet showing repeated payments to a certain pirate for information about the movements of the Resistance and also speculation on how much money it would take for him to give up the Resistance’s home base.

CAMERON: Karma picks up the pile and is looking through it, takes off the accounting sheets, conversation still arguing moral ethics behind her. She hands those papers to Taan’na.

NICK (as Taan): What is this?

CAMERON (as Karma): Look familiar?

NICK (as Taan): Oh kriff. Kriffing Endo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where is Endo?

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, look at this. He’s been playing both sides.

LILIT: Xianna just shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Taan, I swear, I told you Endo sucked and that I wanted to kill him. I said I had valid reasons for killing him. If you had just listened to me, this would have never happened.

NICK: She rolls her eyes so big it looks like she’s going to sprain her neck.

NICK (as Taan): Well yes, now I see that, but there was no reason to trust you before this point. Now I do. That’s a big deal for me. Let’s not argue anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes-yes-yes. Learning to trust is a big deal for everybody. We all go through that horrible time where you just don’t trust anyone for like eight years. It’s very normal.

NICK (as Taan): I trust plenty of people, just not the sister who abandoned me.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not abandon you. You abandoned me. I met at the spaceport on time and you weren’t there, so technically you abandoned me.

NICK (as Taan): [doubtful] Hmm…

LILIT: While Xianna is arguing with Taan’na she is just walking around picking up small objects and shoving them into the few pockets she does have.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just saying that if you had trusted me a little bit sooner this wouldn’t have happened. Or if you just let me kill Endo. You didn’t have to fully trust me, you just had to let me kill him there.

NICK: Taan’na looks up to the ceiling where you can still hear the alarm blaring. Weirdly, people haven’t come to find you yet.

NICK (as Taan): Maybe we should focus on something a little more important.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK (as Taan): Like how the kriff do we get out of here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I was just planning on walking out.

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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