Transcript: S2 Episode 38 Do Droids Dream of Electric Banthas?
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 38:
Do Droids Dream of Electric Banthas?
Transcript by Raina Harper
LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.
Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.
Now, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 38 of Season 2! It’s raining outside just like it’s raining in our hearts. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Hudson.
HUDSON: Studious day we’re having, Master nick.
NICK: Ohoho, indubitably.
HUDSON: [overenthusiastic] Indubitably. I am Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer!
NICK: Ha-ha! Top show! Up next, of course, we have Lilit.
LILIT: [very flat] Hello…
LILIT: I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.
HUDSON: I knew you couldn’t top mine.
LILIT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CAMERON: Wait. Did you do a funny intro, Hudson? I thought it was just normal.
HUDSON: Oh, yeah I—
LILIT: That’s just how Hudson talks. I don’t understand.
HUDSON: Yeah, you’re all right.
NICK: Last but not least, we have Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.
NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!
CAMERON: One dark side.
LILIT: One dark side.
HUDSON: One dark side.
NICK: When we last left off you all had managed to help repel the invasion of Endo’s pirates but not before they had managed to steal Kettle’s collection of the Shattered Force. Both of her artifacts were taken by Endo’s crew. You were able to escape a hunting group of stathas, and it ended with you having a long conversation about the logistics of bringing repair supplies to Kettle’s base.
You managed to hitch a lift with Seelie Mox who was headed back to the capital of Mandalore, and you all, and Mills, and Balthazar the strill, were able to hitch a lift on Kettle’s luxury speeder and head back to civilization. That’s where we’re gonna start.
## Story Continues
NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight hunched around a campfire at night with their driver, Seelie Mox, their safari guide, Mills, and the hairless strill, Balthazar. You are otherwise alone in the Mandalorian wilderness. The distant trill of a hunting group of stathas pierces the night as you stare into the flames. There’s the subtle crackle of the wood as it burns. You hear crickets on the horizon. The stars are bright above you.
CAMERON (as Karma): So, how’s it been going, Seelie?
NICK (as Seelie): Oh, uh… pretty good. You know, driving whoever needs driving, keeping up with Kettle when I got to, kinda my jam. Nothing’s really changed that much. The Empire did some pretty ridiculous stuff. Blew up a planet. Pretty crazy.
CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.
NICK (as Seelie): But it looks like the thing that blew up the planet got destroyed, so that’s cool.
HUDSON (as Tink): Seelie, what are your dreams, your aspirations?
NICK (as Seelie): My dreams…?
NICK: He stares into the stars above and rubs at his arms to ward off the chill. The fire crackles.
NICK (as Seelie): Eh, probably to drive, you know, like criminally. Help people to escape places. That’s something that I really aspire to.
CAMERON (as Karma): Isn’t that what you’re doing?
NICK (as Seelie): Yep, living my best life, baby.
CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.
NICK: He finger guns to Karma across the fire.
CAMERON: Karma does an awkward mom finger gun back.
CAMERON: Picture that however you may.
NICK (as Seelie): You know, it’s been a while since we talked, Tink. We used to get each other out of jams all the time. What are your dreams?
HUDSON (as Tink): Well you know, right now I’m just with my best buds on a ship traveling the universe, just going along with the flow of the universe. So, I don’t know what else I could ask for at this point. But I guess, hmm… probably to be one of the most well-known hackers that isn’t truly known.
LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, so do you want to be known or not known?
HUDSON (as Tink): I want to be known but not by Tink.
CAMERON (as Karma): You want to be known as the looming shadow in the darkness.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.
CAMERON (as Karma): I thought you were. I thought that’s why you left your tag whenever you hacked.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I’ve been switching through tags. I think I’m gonna finally land on one that will actually also come with a costume.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…!
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so my latest and final hacker persona, the one that’s gonna get me famous, is Anonymouse. I never meet with people in person unless I’m wearing this homemade mouse head.
LILIT (as Xianna): How do you spell that name? Just in case anyone was curious.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s spelled A-N-O-N-I-M-A-U-5.
NICK (as Seelie): Oh…
LILIT (as Xianna): That doesn’t spell Anonymouse.
HUDSON (as Tink): No, it does in a cool way.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, that spells Anonymou-‘five.’
HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, the 5 is like the rest of the word but you were… you’re too lazy to really spell out “mouse,” so you do the cool thing with the 5 instead.
LILIT (as Xianna): But a 5 is the exact same amount of characters as an S.
HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, you’re not spelling out five.
LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just one character.
HUDSON (as Tink): But you leave out the E.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but you could have just put an S.
HUDSON (as Tink): It just looks cooler, okay?
LILIT (as Xianna): Does it?
HUDSON (as Tink): I need to show you the mouse head I’ve been working on. I promise you it’s not scary.
NICK (as Seelie): No, see, the reason you spell it with numbers is that’s how you can tell who understands the culture when they’re talking about it. If someone calls it Anonymou-‘five,’ then you know they’re not cool, but if they say Anonimau5,’ you know they are. It’s like a subtle test.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good point.
LILIT (as Xianna): No. I’m going to say Anonymou-‘five.’
HUDSON (as Tink): You do what you do. I’ll do what I do.
NICK (as Seelie): See, but Xianna’s pretty cool and aware, so like, she’s saying it ironically. That’s okay too.
LILIT (as Xianna): No!
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah! She is!
LILIT (as Xianna): Is there no way for me to not care while saying this name?
HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, not if… If you wanna be cool, then no, there’s not.
NICK (as Seelie): But I think this is a good conversation topic, though. Not to just assume some sort of proctor role or conversational leader position here, but uh… Karma, what are your dreams~?
CAMERON (as Karma): Um…
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure Karma wants to start a daycare. I heard that before. Didn’t you hear that before?
CAMERON (as Karma): Do I?! What?
LILIT (as Xianna): Absolutely not. No.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, well never mind. What is it, Karma?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, my twins are grown. I’m done with kids.
NICK: Mills stops playing the harmonica, lowers it from his face still holding it nearby, and says…
NICK (as Mills): Some would argue she’s already started a daycare.
NICK: …and then goes back to playing harmonica again.
CAMERON: Karma does finger guns at Mills, less mom-like this time.
CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I guess… kinda like Tink, there’s a lot going on right now that kinda works for me with just the traveling around, just doing jobs as we go. I guess it would be nice to go back home and just not have to work, but I would probably get bored pretty quickly. So, I don’t know, maybe I’ll be a safari guide.
NICK (as Mills): Hey, that’s my gig. Well, it was my gig. Now that the speeder’s blown up, I guess there’s an empty birth, but you’d need a speeder and a certification. I will say, if that’s something you’re interested in doing, the easiest way is to kill a safari guide and assume his identity. I mean, to win it in a Sabacc game.
CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay, noted. Thank you.
NICK (as Mills): You just have to have the medallion is the thing. So, if you have the clearance on your speeder that the satellites see that you’re allowed to be in the wilderness, then you’re good, so really you just need a speeder or the clearance to attach to a speeder. Killing someone can get it for you, being given it, or you could go through the whole certification thing which takes a long time.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’d probably go through the certification course.
NICK (as Seelie): Okay, so it seems like Karma’s dreams are to be employed in something interesting, maybe on Glee Anselm.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.
NICK (as Seelie): Okay. That’s very attainable.
CAMERON (as Karma): I have honed a very particular set of skills and I would like to be able to continue using those.
NICK: Seelie looks contemplative for a second and then looks over to Xianna. Every time he says “dreams” his eyes get real wide and his eyebrows rise really high up on his forehead.
NICK (as Seelie): Xianna, your turn. What are your dreams~?
LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why this is so hard for everyone else. I want me and my very sexy girlfriend to live a fabulous life of crime.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that tracks.
NICK (as Seelie): I would like to amend my dream to Xianna’s dream, please.
CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna’s dream is your new dream?
NICK (as Seelie): Yes.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.
NICK (as Seelie): Perfect.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! You know what? I know someone who’s single and looking… and may be your employer.
LILIT (as Xianna): We already have all the positions filled!
CAMERON (as Karma): We are not setting Kettle up with Seelie.
NICK (as Seelie): Oh kriff, no. Kettle’s my boss. That would be so weird.
HUDSON (as Tink): What? That’s happened so many times before.
LILIT (as Xianna): But it’s like an HR violation, and besides, we were going to do three dating contestants and we already have three.
HUDSON (as Tink): What if one of them dies?
NICK (as Seelie): Also, when she gets mad at people she knows, they tend to die horribly. Lately it’s been being fed to a mythosaur, but before that it was this gigantic robotic tiger fish thing.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Uh-huh.
NICK (as Seelie): And before that she would just shoot them. So, I kinda like my position as off to the side, sometimes drive a speeder. It’s safer there. I’d rather just keep that relationship about where it is.
HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair.
NICK (as Seelie): Also Tink, I’m kinda getting the impression that you’re trying to help Kettle out with that arrangement and you’re not really considering what would be best for me, and that hurts, man. We’ve known each other a long time.
HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t say you “had” to do it, I said if you’re looking for love I know someone who’s single.
NICK (as Seelie): Oh, I’m absolutely looking for love but not with my murderous mob boss… boss.
LILIT (as Xianna): But the whole point of the show is that she is the fabulous bachelorette, so of course we are catering to her. She is the focus of the show.
NICK (as Seelie): Nobody offered to make me the fabulous bachelor of a cool show to pay off debts and avoid being killed…
NICK: Seelie looks off to the side and kicks at a dirt clod from where he’s sitting.
CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Hey, Seelie, there’s still time, don’t worry.
NICK: Without being asked, Mills lowers his harmonica and says:
NICK (as Mills): My dream is to kill all the trees… all of them.
CAMERON (as Karma): On every planet?
NICK (as Mills): The entire galaxy.
CAMERON (as Karma): Dang… um.
NICK (as Mills): I gotta save up enough money to get a star destroyer. I’ll just go from planet to planet killing trees.
CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I think most species tend to appreciate oxygen.
NICK (as Mills): Well, I’m fine with kelp and grasslands and moss and other types of plants. It’s just the trees.
CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm. Yeah, but depending on the planet the trees can be a real big impact there.
NICK (as Mills): Well, I’ll leave Kashyyyk for last. Pretty sure that’s the only planet with giant trees. Everywhere else it’s like glowing mushrooms or something.
CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we all know the rule that only one planet is allowed to have trees in the galaxy.
NICK (as Mills): They can have trees, but only one planet is allowed to be a giant deciduous rainforest.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay.
NICK (as Mills): And that’s Kashyyyk. But that’s my dream.
HUDSON (as Tink): So this sounds like a very kriffed up Lorax situation.
NICK (as Mills): An anti-Lorax.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.
NICK (as Mills): That famous Jedi myth of the Lorax, speaker of trees.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes-yes, we all know about the Lorax.
NICK (as Mills): My avowed nemesis.
CAMERON (as Karma): It’s really weird that you’ve decided that the Lorax is your nemesis.
NICK (as Mills): He’s the friend of the trees.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…
NICK (as Mills): Anyway. I’m very assured in my dreams and goals. We don’t really need to talk about it more.
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think anyone’s gonna argue with you if you try to take out all the trees on Unroola Dawn. They’ve got it coming.
NICK (as Mills): That’s my first stop. If I happen to hit some of the horrifying monsters and monkeys and shark centipedes, then that would be fine too.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I forgot about the shark centipedes.
NICK (as Mills): Yeah, those are messed up.
CAMERON (as Karma): Dang. That was a while ago.
NICK: Mills looks to the edge of the firelight where Balthazar is laying in the grass.
NICK (as Mills): What about you, buddy?
NICK (as Balthazar): [various bellowing wails]
NICK (as Mills): That’s a good point, buddy. You’re right. I do think that eternal hunting and fulfilling your life as a predator is also very important. I’ll make sure to keep that in mind.
NICK: We swipe away to the next day. The luxury speeder is ripping across the Mandalorian wilderness. We get a couple of scenes of Seelie driving extremely recklessly, jumping over hills and chasms as you all are being chased by various wildlife in the grasslands. We also get a shot of the speeder up on a jack with Tink, just his legs sticking out from under the speeder as he tries to repair something underneath.
Then we see you all being dropped back at basically the civic center of the capital of Mandalore. Picture a Time Square kind of situation but if Time Square was built by drunk cowboys from the future, so lots of lights, everything at kind of weird angles. Seelie pulls down to stop. You all are kind of motion-sick, a little afraid for your safety because his driving is always so extreme.
CAMERON: Karma is holding onto the oh-shit bar and has a mom arm thrown out to keep Balthazar in his seat.
NICK: Balthazar has a giant toothy smile and his extra-large tongue is hanging out and probably dripping onto your forearm.
NICK: So, the doors open up and Seelie says:
NICK (as Seelie): Well, I’m off to get supplies. It’s been great hanging out with you all for these last couple of days as we made it back to town. What’s your plan next?
CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I think you’re dropping supplies off at our ship.
NICK (as Seelie): Oh, right, yeah. Had we agreed we were doing that?
CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.
NICK (as Seelie): I’ll admit I kinda zoned out when you and Kettle were talking logistics. I’ll bring the stuff by the ship periodically. We can leave, like, tonight I suppose, but that still gives you a day while I collect supplies. How are you gonna spend that time?
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Can we go to brunch with Tink’s parents? Please?
HUDSON (as Tink): Um?
CAMERON (as Karma): Most definitely, we’re doing that. Tink, call your moms.
LILIT (as Xianna): Because I want to order Felucian toast and put the syrup on top with the powdered sugar.
HUDSON (as Tink): Do you do blueberry syrup or do you do maple syrup?
LILIT (as Xianna): [indignant] Maple.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, good answer.
CAMERON (as Karma): Who does blueberry?
LILIT (as Xianna): And blueberry. I use both.
HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa. Whoa. You don’t mix the syrups.
CAMERON (as Karma): What?
LILIT (as Xianna): You mix the syrups!
HUDSON (as Tink): No.
LILIT (as Xianna): I only don’t mix the syrups if I am getting the blueberry pancakes with the blueberry filling. Then you put just the blueberry syrup on top.
HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I’m not even gonna get any kind of toast. I’m getting eggs Bespin.
LILIT (as Xianna): Gross.
HUDSON (as Tink): It’s so good.
CAMERON (as Karma): I do agree, it is pretty delicious. Only thing I have my eye on is hot chocolate.
HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not food.
CAMERON (as Karma): I know, but you gotta order beverages first.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, if you put enough marshmallows in it, you can eat it with a spoon and then it is food.
HUDSON (as Tink): True.
CAMERON (as Karma): Also fair, or if you make it thick enough that you can dip churros in it.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is just a soup.
HUDSON (as Tink): Or, if you add enough crackers to it, you could eat it with a fork.
CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you adding crackers to hot chocolate?
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Why would you not add marshmallows?
HUDSON (as Tink): I like it to be a little salty.
NICK: We get a smash cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight. Seelie has gone off on his logistics mission, Mills has disappeared into the city, and the crew of the Afternoon Delight and Tink’s moms are at a fancy brunch place having just ordered. Everyone give me a detail about this brunch place.
CAMERON: There’s too many chandeliers and they’re all the crystal super-sparkly ones.
NICK: Nice. Very good.
LILIT: All of the drinks are getting served out of mason jars. Duh.
NICK: [laughs] Of course. Goes well with the chandeliers.
HUDSON: Both the floor and the tablecloths are red and white checkerboard.
NICK: Interesting. I think it’s actually on a very large patio on one of the sky rises. You have a beautiful view out to the horizon and there are speeders around you. Half of the restaurant is inside but it has an open terrace and you all are seated out on the terrace in the morning sunlight. Tink’s parents have dressed up, they are wearing nice hats, and you all are waiting for your brunch to arrive.
CAMERON (as Mossie): So, what did you kids get up to?
HUDSON (as Tink): Well, not much, actually, but we did see what we thought was an extinct dinosaur that was brought back to life and attacking us that I ended up knocking out with some toxic gas that I hit a pipe under my feet and it sprayed in the monster’s face.
CAMERON (as Mossie): That is incredibly specific.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
LILIT (as Rhonda): Tink, are you implying that you fought a mythosaur?
HUDSON (as Tink): I fought a mythosaur. We got pics to prove it, mama.
LILIT (as Rhonda): Sweetie, I don’t wanna not believe you, but unless you show me them pics I just don’t believe you.
CAMERON (as Mossie): I wanna see the pictures.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Xianna?
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh yes, I took so many selfies. Let me send them to you. What is your com number?
HUDSON (as Tink): My com number is—
LILIT (as Xianna): No, not your com number, Tink! I already have your com number.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
LILIT (as Xianna): I’m talking about your mothers’ com numbers, duh!
HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was TinksMom1@aol.com.
CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, that’s still mine.
HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re TinksMom2 then?
LILIT (as Rhonda): Now sweetie, I’m MamaTink@aol.net.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh~
CAMERON (as Mossie): We just like to be complicated.
LILIT (as Rhonda): I don’t want it to imply that one of us is, you know, more important than the other. You know?
HUDSON (as Tink): True. True.
LILIT: Once Xianna gets the com number she sends over all the selfies. Not a single one has Tink in a full frame. It’s always Tink slightly in the background or blurry. They are all full selfies of Xianna with a mythosaur in the background.
CAMERON: Luckily, Karma also took photos and those photos were centered around Tink, so she also sends those.
HUDSON (as Tink): Do you believe me now?
LILIT (as Rhonda): Well hot damn! Our baby fought a mythosaur.
HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I’m reaching great heights, you know?
LILIT (as Rhonda): So what happened to your droid friend? I don’t see him running around.
LILIT: With a mouthful of toast:
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, HK is dead.
HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no. HK is resting.
LILIT (as Xianna): Nuh-uh! He is dead.
HUDSON (as Tink): No!
LILIT (as Xianna): Just fully dead. Gone. RIP.
HUDSON (as Tink): No. No one’s pressing F in this chat. He is fine.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… HK’s somewhere in the middle of those two, currently not up-and-running.
LILIT (as Rhonda): Your friend’s a droid. Can’t you just, uh… as long as the central processing unit’s fine, can’t you just fix him up?
HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the theory, but there’s some extensive damage we’re gonna have to get some help for, but it’ll be done and then HK will be back in our lives. I wonder what happens to robots when they decommission for inordinate periods of time.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh goodness.
LILIT (as Rhonda): Do droids dream of electric banthas?
NICK: Perfect. Thank you, Lilit. While you are discussing the existential crisis of death of electronic beings, a waiter swings by and slides your plates in front of you all, and you have food.
LILIT: We already have our food because Xianna already had food in her mouth.
CAMERON: Xianna had her mouth full.
NICK: Oh. I was assuming you were eating like a mouthful of toast and it was like toast on the table already. A waiter brings you the second course after the traditional Mandalorian first course of toast. You are given your main brunch dishes. What all is everyone eating?
LILIT: Well, obviously Xianna has ordered the Felucian toast.
NICK: It has jogan fruit filling. It’s really good.
LILIT: She does indeed pour like half the bottle of syrup on top.
NICK: Like you do. It’s tradition.
HUDSON: Tink gets the eggs Bespin and drowns it in way too much ketchup.
LILIT: Xianna is actively pouring more syrup on top of her toast and looks over at Tink and just starts shaking her head.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is disgusting, Tink.
HUDSON: I ask the wait staff for more ketchup.
NICK: They bring you two more bottles. We get this camera shot of over Karma’s shoulder with the side silhouettes of Tink’s parents, and we see Tink and Xianna with eyes locked, both of them dumping their condiments of choice onto their food while glaring at each other, as it threatens to spill over onto the red checkered tablecloth.
NICK: Karma, what did you get?
CAMERON: [smiling] So, hot chocolate.
CAMERON: I think Karma just got a big stack of waffles.
NICK: Waffles are a very good choice.
CAMERON: She’s putting a reasonable amount of maple syrup on them. [laughs]
NICK: Yeah. Rhonda got a very large plate, about the size of a hubcap, just filled with grits with various different seafood sprinkled around it and Cajun seasoning. Mossie got a side salad and the fruit plate. You all dig in and have a lovely brunch.
CAMERON: Mossie is 100% stealing grits from Rhonda’s plate.
NICK: That’s why Rhonda got such a big dish, because she knows that you like to share and she doesn’t like to share, so she just had to get a ludicrous amount.
LILIT: It’s not subtle either. The stealing is very out in the open.
CAMERON: Yeah no, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. Thus… my grits.
NICK: [laughs] So we swipe away from brunch. We see the brunch party walking out of the door of this high rise. Everybody is standing around in the area where the speeders are parked. Rhonda is holding the keys to the family speeder and Mossie is standing on the other side and you all are just happily chatting. You’ve said goodbye, but it’s one of those things where the conversation just keeps going for a while when the meal is over.
LILIT: Xianna keeps edging further and further away.
LILIT (as Xianna): We have been saying goodbye for like ten minutes! Come on!
HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not every day I get to see my family.
CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, it could be.
HUDSON (as Tink): Eh…
LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, you could call us more often.
CAMERON (as Mossie): You just disappeared for years over spaghetti.
LILIT (as Rhonda): We could have a holo chat every day if you wanted.
HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a…
LILIT (as Rhonda): Or every other day. Or on the weekends. Doesn’t have to be every day.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I don’t know about every day, or every other day, or every weekend, but… I like the as needed. You know?
CAMERON (as Mossie): I mean, you could come home for Life Day, at least.
HUDSON (as Tink): You know what? I’ll commit to coming home for Life Day at some point.
CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, the “at some point” at the end there, Tink, doesn’t make it much of a commitment.
HUDSON (as Tink): I might have business to attend to!
CAMERON (as Karma): We do tend to be busy on Life day. That has happened the past few years.
HUDSON (as Tink): So maybe we can have Life Day but not on actual Life Day.
LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, it’s the thought that counts, and as long as we get to see you around the holiday…
CAMERON (as Mossie): We just wanna see you.
HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I appreciate it. I wanna see you all too. And, uh… adios.
NICK: [smiling] Tink turns and just starts walking away.
CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright, well bye! … I guess?
HUDSON: I keep walking. I’m nearly out of sight now.
CAMERON (as Karma): It was very nice to meet you both. I’m going to go and catch them before anything regretful happens.
NICK: So, you’ve finished brunch with Tink’s parents. Endo has Kettle’s and his pieces of the Shattered Force and still apparently has a large military force at his disposal. You all are gonna need to gear up before you go, and you have some funds. Is there any gear, weaponry, armor, gadgets that you wanna purchase? Mandalore’s capital is a large city.
CAMERON: Uh, HK.
NICK: Oh, and also HK.
CAMERON: That is what I would like to do is acquire pieces to both repair and upgrade HK.
NICK: Okay. That’s pretty easily done. I think repairing him probably costs like 5,000 Credits to buy all the pieces you need, to repair and upgrade him. We see everybody walk in. Karma still has the netting with the bits of HK strapped to it on her back and you walk out with a large wooden crate full of droid parts and various weapons that you intend to install. Is there anything else that you wanna get?
HUDSON: I would like to go to a place to sharpen and add stuff to my vibro-axe.
NICK: Tink is looking at his vibro-axe and seeing that it still has some room for improvement and looks up to see himself standing in front of a weapon smith of some kind. It looks like it is sort of a mix between a giant 3D printer and a droid brain. It would be able to do pretty much whatever you want to your weapon almost immediately, but it’s expensive, and you know that you’re completely out of money.
HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… Xianna?
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes Tink?
HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s just level with each other for a second. I think that you’ve stolen credits from me in the past.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it is possible.
HUDSON (as Tink): So, there’s this thing I really, really want. I want to take my vibro-axe, and I wanna put it over there, and look, this place looks reputable. It has a sign; it says “Axe us about our specials.” Now that’s a really good joke.
HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that an illegitimate place would do that well at joking. So, I wanna give a master class upgrade to my vibro-axe. So… I need 5,000 Creds.
LILIT (as Xianna): No…
HUDSON (as Tink): Please?
LILIT (as Xianna): No. Tink, I do not even have 5,000 Credits for myself.
HUDSON (as Tink): Really?
LILIT (as Xianna): No.
HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, how many credits do you have?
CAMERON (as Karma): After spending 5k to fix HK?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… slightly over 5k.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Hmm.
LILIT (as Xianna): We could break in after hours and steal the upgrade.
HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe. But I mean, they just seem like good folks, you know? I wanna do this fair and square. But maybe with some gambling. That’s how I’ll get the money!
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. Karma! Karma, you should just give him the money so he doesn’t have to go gambling. It won’t end well.
CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, what are you gambling with? You don’t have any money.
HUDSON (as Tink): I read this thing on the Holonet that—
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.
HUDSON (as Tink): —someone took a paperclip and came out with a star destroyer.
LILIT (as Xianna): But they were trading, not gambling.
HUDSON (as Tink): Which in itself is a gamble.
LILIT (as Xianna): And that took them like a long time.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I just gotta condense that down.
CAMERON (as Karma): It also took people doing bad trades because they knew that it was a bit.
HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… yeah. I wonder who has money I can borrow from.
NICK: So Tink, are you going to try to borrow a small amount of money and gamble your way into success or are you going to call your parents and ask for a loan…? What is your plan to get your axe upgraded?
HUDSON: Hmm. I turn and I’m like…
HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder if the solution will just come to me.
HUDSON: …and as I’m turning, I’m kind of spinning in circles, I just stop and I look forward and there is a place called Credits, Credits, Credits, one day credit loans, no credit check. I walk up and I’m like…
HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I think this is gonna work.
HUDSON: …and I walk in and I’m not in there for two minutes and I walk out with 5,000 Credits.
HUDSON: I have the paperwork that I signed very quickly and didn’t read.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is a great plan, Tink. Good for you. Nothing wrong will happen there. It will be totally fine.
CAMERON (as Karma): What is your plan, exactly, here?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Get the free money.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh?
HUDSON (as Tink): And in the event that I don’t pay it back in time, which I totally will…
CAMERON (as Karma): Today?
HUDSON (as Tink): No. The money comes to you today, the payback is, uh… somewhere in this fine print. If it doesn’t get paid back, they’ll try to go after the Afternoon Delight, but we’ll be long-gone by then.
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did you put your real name on the paperwork?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.
CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, it’s more likely that they’re gonna go after your moms because they’re on planet.
HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, they don’t know they’re my mom.
CAMERON (as Karma): You used your name, right?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, but I didn’t put their names down.
CAMERON (as Karma): No, but I’m assuming there’s some records somewhere.
HUDSON (as Tink): Eh… You know what? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m ready to get my axe done up.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear lord.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Karma, let him go get his weapon fixed. This will be totally fine and nothing bad will happen in the future that we will ever have to deal with.
CAMERON (as Karma): [strained] Uh-huh… yep, fair.
LILIT (as Xianna): It definitely will not be very funny to watch Tink have to deal with any of this later on.
CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. I guess the good thing is that the Afternoon Delight is not in Tink’s name.
HUDSON (as Tink): They didn’t ask questions.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… alright. Well, have fun I guess.
NICK: So Tink, you walk into this weapon modification stand and there’s some loud noises. You deposit I assume all 5,000 Credits?
HUDSON: Yes, and then I ask for the master class upgrade, and it goes [error noise], and I’m like wait, did I say that wrong, and I look through my holo pad to see what the actual name of the upgrade I want is.
NICK: It’s the superior upgrade.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh kriff. The superior upgrade, please.
NICK: A very large drawer opens, about the size and dimensions of your vibro-axe, and after you’ve given 5,000 Credits it withdraws back into the machine and a timer for three minutes starts to go. We cut to Karma and Xianna just kind of awkwardly waiting outside.
CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, this is a bad plan that he’s got here.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, it is terrible. But again, it will be very funny.
CAMERON (as Karma): I wonder who loaned the money.
CAMERON: Karma starts looking on the Holonet to see who owns Credits, Credits, Credits or whatever the store’s name was.
NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Knowledge (Underworld) check.
CAMERON: Oh, that’ll go well. An advantage?
NICK: You’re not able to find information about this shop specifically, but you know from your experience that these kinds of places are often run by shady underworld organizations, frequently the Hutts. This is the kind of thing that you can turn having a lot of money into a lot more money, so this is probably a Hutt front. Also, the subtitle for the shop is in Huttese. Pretty good indicator there.
CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… Ah, I see. Yeah, that’s gonna go terribly.
NICK: Time goes by and Tink walks out with his newly superior axe. What’s changed about it, Tink?
HUDSON: It looks incredibly shiny. It’s a little bit heavier but doesn’t visibly have anything added on except like a bracelet type thing in the middle, and it’s very, very sharp again. It’s been re-sharpened.
NICK: You spin it and slot it onto your back and it moves like it’s a piece of you. You have never held a weapon that matched you this well. Also, when you put the vibro-axe in, the machine scanned you and it appears that it made some modifications to the dimensions and to some of the balance and things to specifically fit you, so this axe is wonderful and it’s for you.
You have gained 5,000 Credits, lost 5,000 Credits, gained a suspicious loan contract, and now your axe always starts every roll with an advantage. It can still be cancelled out, but it’s like adding an advantage, and does 1 more base damage.
While you all are on a shopping spree, is there anything else that you want to pick up?
LILIT: Xianna would like to acquire a whole bunch of grenades.
NICK: You can have as many grenades as you can afford.
LILIT: What if Xianna uses a five-finger discount to steal grenades?
NICK: Roll me a Skulduggery check.
NICK: This is a hard difficulty with two black dice because it’s the middle of business hours, at a weapon store, at basically gladiator planet. [laughs]
LILIT: I will be using Convincing Demeanor to remove one of those black dice.
LILIT: Can I have a blue die because Xianna’s coat lends itself to pickpocketing and stealing so easily? Because you can’t see anything in the coat.
NICK: Sure, but I would like to flip a dark side point to make this whole check harder. Make one of them a red.
LILIT: Okay, so that is seven successes and a threat.
NICK: So… [sighs] I think you’re able to get seven grenades, whatever kind you want, but not thermal detonators. This place does not sell those. The threat is that a passive video camera gets a picture of your face so you’re probably not gonna be able to shop in this city again, because they’re gonna notice eventually and backtrack it, but like no one’s chasing you or anything.
LILIT: That’s okay, but also, I have Indistinguishable which means it’s an upgraded difficulty of checks to identify me.
NICK: Okay. So Cameron, roll me a daunting check against two yellows and two greens. Yeah, one of the purples is a red on that four difficulty check.
NICK: This is just to see if this will come back to get you.
CAMERON: One success!
NICK: Huh. The good news is they don’t link “you” to Xianna’fan, the dead, wanted Twi’lek in the Imperial Database.
LILIT: Well of course, because she’s dead, so how would she be shoplifting in their store?
NICK: Well, if they had been more successful, they might have figured it out and marked you as “not dead” which would be very bad for you. I think what it is, as long as you don’t come back and shop ‘here’ and then stay around doing active stuff you’re probably fine, but you did get made, so if they compare who they’re looking at to the pictures they have as “this person stole from us” at a later time, it could be a problem. But you’re probably not planning on coming back here to come shopping anytime soon.
LILIT: No. You don’t hit up the same store twice in the same day.
NICK: So it should be fine. Xianna slips into a weapon shop down the street. Tink, you’ve just walked out with your axe, and there’s an awkward moment as the minutes tick by and Karma and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk while Xianna disappears inside. You can see through the front window the way she’s walking that she has no intention of buying anything and is probably stealing things.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that seems like a bad idea.
CAMERON (as Karma): Eh? If it was one of us doing it, I would say yes, 100%. For Xianna? I don’t know, it could go either way.
HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, they can’t… Okay. Depending on what they’re stealing, things could explode, fire off, in a store full of other weapons.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that wasn’t my concern. My concern was them getting caught.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
CAMERON (as Karma): But I guess yeah, she could blow something up too, I guess. That’s a new thing to be concerned about now that I wasn’t thinking of before.
HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly. If she does get caught, she can get out of it. She’s gotten out of hundreds of these. But I just don’t know about this.
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think she’ll get caught. I think she’ll be fine. They probably won’t notice.
NICK: Xianna, you’re able to grab everything you need. You notice a camera on your way out but rely on your nondescript look to keep you hidden and quickly walk out to rejoin the crew.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I am done shopping.
HUDSON (as Tink): How much did you spend?
LILIT (as Xianna): That is not important.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, okay, okay.
CAMERON: [laughs] “Ah.”
NICK: Karma, was there anything that you wanted to spend money on while you’re in a well-settled city? Besides bringing your friend back to life.
CAMERON: Yeah. Next door to the shop that Tink got his axe upgraded at is a blaster store.
NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s Mandalore, of course there are weapon upgrades right next to blaster stores next to grenade emporiums.
CAMERON: Yeah. The blaster store of course also does upgrades, because they know blasters. Karma’s gonna go in and detach her carbine from the sling thing she’s got it in and is gonna do some upgrades on this sucker.
NICK: Okay. What are you getting?
CAMERON: Karma spends a lot of time researching weapon mods. It’s just a fun thing to do in your spare time. She has determined that she is going to get a forearm grip.
CAMERON: Which will decrease the difficulty of Ranged (Heavy) checks with the carbine while engaged…
NICK: Oh cool.
CAMERON: …so that it’s just an easy check rather than bumping back up to an average. Then, she’s going to acquire the under-barrel flame projector.
NICK: Oh goodness.
CAMERON: Which is what it sounds like.
NICK: You’re attaching a flamethrower to your rifle.
CAMERON: I am attaching a flamethrower to my rifle, yes.
NICK: So Karma walks into this shop. You see her place her much-loved and used carbine on the counter and is talking to what looks like a weapon smith inside. There’s a little bit of an awkward time as the minutes tick by and Xianna and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk.
HUDSON (as Tink): Why is this taking so long?
LILIT (as Xianna): Probably because she’s paying actual money.
HUDSON (as Tink): I paid actual money and it took me like under five minutes.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know. Maybe it’s easier to modify an axe than it is a whole gun.
HUDSON (as Tink): yeah, maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know nothing about guns.
NICK: Karma walks back out. It was pretty quick. These are modular things that slide into place on the rifle. Karma, you walk back out and strike an action pose with your new carbine upgrades.
HUDSON (as Tink): Nice. You get a flashlight attachment?
CAMERON (as Karma): [grinning] A very powerful one. Yes.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, super-bright.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh. [chuckles]
NICK: Having bought these upgrades, the afternoon has progressed on. You figure Seelie is probably headed back to the ship at this point or has dumped stuff where the ship is parked. You head back to the Afternoon Delight. As you approach the ship, you notice that something’s wrong.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m noticing something’s wrong. Anybody else?
CAMERON (as Karma): What is it?
NICK: As you get closer, the silhouette of the ship looks different, like something’s been tampered with. You get closer and you see that the landing ramp was blown open, like by a shaped charge, and someone has broken into the ship.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well that’s just rude.
HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, that’s unfortunate. How do we get up there?
CAMERON: Karma climbs up the ramp.
NICK: Yeah. [laughs] The ramp, it’s like a hole but you can jump and grab the edge and pull yourself up. You’re all strong combatants. You’re able to do that. As the three of you scrabble to get back into the ship—it’s a little harder for Karma, still wearing HK as a backpack, but she’s able to hand up the supplies to repair and upgrade HK.
The ship’s been tossed. You see that the hot tub—the lid has been pulled half off and there’s water sloshed everywhere soaking the shag carpeting. Doors are left half open. Some shredded plants from the greenhouse that you discovered with Illith are thrown out into one of the hallways.
Nothing valuable is missing at first; you still have the large rainbow skin that you took from a creature that tried to kill you, your speeder bikes are still parked in the ship. Xianna, you quickly run and check your stash and your drugs are still there. Can you all make a Perception check at average difficulty for me, please?
CAMERON: Two successes.
HUDSON: A success and an advantage.
LILIT: I have one success, five advantages.
HUDSON: I run over and I scream.
HUDSON (as Tink): No! Creamsicle!
HUDSON: And I go to grab what I think is Creamsicle but it’s just a pile of bundled socks that look like a dead Creamsicle.
NICK: [chuckles] You see Creamsicle’s head poke out of an air vent nearby and quirk at you inquisitively. So, you all notice at the same time that on the table by the hot tub where you all had put the Stone Breaker, the ancient data tablet that you first saw so long ago, and the Spirit Breaker, the blue ocean-filled orb that you had recovered more recently… they’re gone. Someone broke in and took them.
LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff?
CAMERON (as Karma): That bastard.
LILIT (as Xianna): They trash our entire ship and the items they are trying to look for are on the fucking table?! They didn’t have to trash everything! They could have just taken the items and gone!
HUDSON (as Tink): I thought they were on the mantle. I forgot they were there.
LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t have a mantle. There’s no fireplace in here.
HUDSON (as Tink): We have a mantle. It’s in my room. It just doesn’t have a fireplace under it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Then it is just a shelf.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…
HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s a mantle.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s only a mantle if it is above a fireplace.
HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that’s true.
LILIT (as Xianna): Otherwise it is just a shelf.
HUDSON (as Tink): Either way, who could have done this?
LILIT (as Xianna): Endo!
CAMERON (as Karma): Endo.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah…
NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!
CAMERON: Endo the episode.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.
If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.
Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.