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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode:
Transcript by Raina Harper
LILIT: Hello and welcome to Tabletop Squadron. Due to health and scheduling issues there is no new episode today. However, we do have some bloopers for you that we’ve pulled from the Patreon feed. If you’d like more bloopers, side adventures, movie nights, and all sorts of other goodies, please check out our Patreon at Patreon.com/TabletopSquadron.
LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.
NICK: [claps once sharply, laughs maniacally]
CAMERON: Did you get the mosquito?
NICK: I think I missed. I did punch myself.
CAMERON: [distraught] No!
NICK: I did punch myself in the stomach, though.
HUDSON: [giggling] I was trying to push him off and he jumped and he went flying. [laughs]
LILIT: [sweet voice (for babies or animals] Oh, aw baby~
HUDSON: He almost went in the trash. I almost threw our trash cat away.
LILIT: Almost went into the trash where he belongs.
NICK: Lilit, would you rather distort the weird noise I’m about to make or would you rather just go look for a fucking dinosaur noise?
LILIT: I would rather look for my own dinosaur noise.
LILIT: That’s not important right now. What’s important is he died doing what he loved… attempted murder.
HUDSON: Okay, so I had an idea.
HUDSON: What if I just told everyone to believe and really concentrate, and that triggered my Force abilities?
NICK: I’m gonna sneeze. … [sneezes]
CAMERON: [silly] Bless you.
NICK: Can you rephrase that and not make it sound like a money shot thing?
LILIT: No, leave it in, leave it how it is.
LILIT: I’ll just re-edit it back in.
HUDSON: Just a second, there’s a war going on.
LILIT: Oh my god! Ah!
LILIT: Oh my god. Someone call the Coast Guard. We’re under attack.
HUDSON: Give me a second.
LILIT: I don’t know if you could see any of it, but Fry is in the bread and Leeloo’s behind the chair, and Leeloo stands up with their paw and does a swat, swat, swat thing at Fry, and Fry retaliates through the back of the chair slats, so it’s just them going swat-swat-swat at each other.
NICK: I just saw the gazelle leap as Fry—
HUDSON: And then the gazelle leap as Leeloo retreats.
LILIT: Yeah. Because Leeloo ran away, so Fry had to follow.
NICK: Ah, fair.
LILIT: I just want the light to go out.
LILIT: Either stay on or go out.
NICK: [stammers] Can you just, like, turn off the light? Or will it be too dark?
LILIT: There’s no other lights.
LILIT: There’s one light switch in this room.
NICK: It also might be possible to tighten the bulb. It maybe is just loose?
LILIT: It’s one of those full globe lights.
LILIT: So we would have to get up there…
HUDSON: Loosen the side screws, and then take the bulb off.
LILIT: …and unscrew all the sides.
NICK: Oh, that’s such a pain. Maybe it would be better to just—
LILIT: Yeah, it would take like a solid ten minutes because we’d also have to go find the stepladder to get up and do that.
NICK: Well, it’s almost over. Just throw a brick at it. You’re gonna sell that house anyway. Who cares?
CAMERON: Move all the audio equipment first.
NICK: Oh yeah, yeah, that part.
CAMERON: Just to avoid the glass.
LILIT: Certainly not whoever would buy this house. They’d be totally fine with just a broken light, glass everywhere.
HUDSON: You all are lucky because I almost, earlier, when I did that spraying action on the mythosaur, said “that’s the money shot!”
LILIT: Oh god.
HUDSON: But that’s too on the nose. [laughs]
NICK: I don’t know at this point.
CAMERON: [sighs] No, we have to be classy.
FRY: [loud adorable meow, light jingle]
NICK: Yes, thank you, Fry. And—
HUDSON: Or like that Mountain Dew commercial.
HUDSON: The like, um… the mystery themes on the Mountain Dew com—Am I crazy?
NICK: Yes. [laughs]
LILIT: Yes. I mean yeah, but…
HUDSON: [laughs] Y’all don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s a black and white commercial and it has two brothers or something and they steal shit and they’re wearing overcoats and they have really sharp beaks.
NICK: Um… yeah, so—
LILIT: It was Mountain Dew?
HUDSON: Maybe I’m wrong. Hold on.
NICK: [sweetly] Cameron, she’s helping.
LILIT: Are you thinking of Spy vs. Spy?
HUDSON: Yes! It’s that.
CAMERON: [sweetly] Robin, you need to help by killing the mosquito!
LILIT: These things?
HUDSON: Yeah that!
NICK: She’s hiding.
LILIT: They’re just like a little cartoon thing.
NICK: They’re from MAD TV.
HUDSON: Spy vs. Spy I thought was Mountain Dew.
LILIT: No, that’s like a comic strip.
NICK: I bet you there was a Spy vs. Spy Mountain Dew commercial at some point, actually.
HUDSON: [excited] There are! I just looked it up. There are.
NICK: [joyful] Hi Fry!
CAMERON: Fry, how do you think we should end the episode?
NICK: With Fry.
HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] Yes!
LILIT: Huds—Oh no…
HUDSON: We’re not actually arguing in real life, Lilit!
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron… I’m your host and game master Nick. Episode 37! This is all in the wrong order. Try again. [laughs] I did the hard part. Heh…
NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: Hi, my name is Cunty Bush Did 9/11 Jones.
HUDSON: Okay, so my plan was—
CAMERON: Goodness gracious.
LILIT: Can I include ANY of that? I don’t think so.
HUDSON: I was wanting to say something that could not be included in anything we ever release, and I was like “what could I say that would do that?” [laughs]
NICK: You had to go hard. I’m kind of proud of this.
LILIT: You… You really had to… had to go there.
NICK: How did you know the name of this week’s Patreon NPC, Hudson?
HUDSON: Like, I don’t even think this can go in bloopers.
HUDSON: Wait. So which part of the name can’t go in bloopers?
NICK: Lilit can put—All of it! All of it. Well, mostly the first name. So, this could go in bloopers, just Lilit’s gonna have to bleep out the actual name and you’re just gonna hear our response.
HUDSON: Yes! [laughs] yes.
NICK: And normally I would say the listener’s imagination is going to supply something way worse than what you said, but in this case I’m not sure that’s possible.
HUDSON: This will be the number one Easter egg that listeners will be like “I wonder what Hudson actually said that day.”
NICK: Oh my gosh…
LILIT: No one will ever know.
CAMERON: Question for next year’s TabletopCon. What name did Hudson say in Episode 37?
NICK: Yeah… I refuse.
NICK: Did you actually—? Do your introduction!
HUDSON: Oh yeah. I should do it again. Okay.
NICK: Luckily, the threat in this arena is currently sleeping off a heaping helping of knock-out gas imbibed at the hands of the crew.
[cell phone rings]
CAMERON: [gasps dramatically] Nicholas!
NICK: As I get a call from work! Work… don’t call me anymore. I quit.
LILIT: [makes mocking sounds]
NICK: Sorry Lilit, I missed that. One more time?
LILIT: [makes mocking sounds, loudly]
NICK: Thank you.
NICK: If you wanna describe—
LILIT: I just have to interject very quick. [dramatically] Shattered chassis?! I did no such thing!
NICK: … I don’t get that reference at all.
LILIT: [emphasizing each word] Shat her chassis.
NICK: [groaning] Oh…
HUDSON: Oh god.
LILIT: I’m sorry. That’s why I apologized in advance.
NICK: Lilit’s in rare form today.
HUDSON: Pretty good.
NICK: Strapped onto the body at a weird angle. His chest has been crushed in. He does not look fine.
LILIT: His arms were cut off. His legs were cut off.
LILIT: His ears were cut off.
LILIT (as Xianna): So Tink, do you want to go through the hallways or do you want to go back up the chute?
LILIT (as Xianna): Fry, we did not ask you!
HUDSON: Okay, he’s sitting.
LILIT (as Xianna): Where did this random loth-cat come from? This is so weird. Go away, little minou minou. Go away.
NICK: —3.5 meters of Tink in his broad shoulders, and then cuts away.
CAMERON: I believe Tink is 1.7 meters tall.
LILIT: Yeah, 3.5 meters…
NICK: He’s only 1.7 meters tall?
HUDSON: You all weren’t—
LILIT: He’s not like 10-something feet tall, Nick!
NICK: I’m bad at numbers.
CAMERON: He’s like a little over 6 foot.
LILIT: This is why every time you use meters I try to remind you of what that would be in feet.
NICK: I know that a meter is roughly a yard and a yard is three feet, but for whatever reason that logic doesn’t transfer into when I’m talking.
CAMERON: It’s like slightly bigger than a yard.
NICK: So I’ll retake that but with numbers correctly.
CAMERON: [giggling] He’s a big boy but not 3.5 meters.
LILIT: He is not 12 foot Home Depot skeleton tall.
HUDSON: Here’s the thing. You all didn’t account for that episode that you and Cam weren’t on where I fell in that vat of toxic goo and—
NICK: That’s it.
LILIT: Yeah, you’re right.
CAMERON: And we’ve just been too scared to mention it since then.
LILIT: I forgot that your mutant X-Men powers were activated.
NICK: Oh goodness. Okay.
NICK: For the record, I ate too many chicken wings and now I’m too full and my tummy hurts.
HUDSON: I’m sorry.
CAMERON: [sweetly] Aw, Nicholas.
NICK: [pouty] They were so good, though.
[several thuds, light jingling]
NICK: Oh no…
HUDSON: What fell?
LILIT: [laughs] Fry knocked my phone out of my hand which then hit him, which then scared him, so he jumped out of the chair and then looked up at me as if I was the problem.
HUDSON: I plan—
LILIT: [slyly] He’s a wet ass pussy.
NICK: Damn, Lilit!
LILIT: I mean, you can’t say the cat is wet without me saying he’s a wet ass pussy!
NICK: That was an appreciative “damn,” like “good stuff.”
NICK (as Seelie): Alright. Well, I think I remember you all yelling a second ago that you want to go see the boss. We were trying to fart—
CHRISTINE: We were trying to fart!
LILIT: Fart, fart, fart!
CAMERON: You know it’s good for you.
LILIT: Did you like that?
NICK (as Seelie): Better out than in, I always say.
NICK (as Seelie): I have a flock of, uh…
NICK: Fuck. What are the name of those things~?
CAMERON: [laughs] Penguins!
NICK (as Seelie): [overenthusiastic] Thanks, Hudson!
NICK: [laughs] You were so excited. Um…
LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.