Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode:
Blooper Special

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello and welcome to Tabletop Squadron. Due to health and scheduling issues there is no new episode today. However, we do have some bloopers for you that we’ve pulled from the Patreon feed. If you’d like more bloopers, side adventures, movie nights, and all sorts of other goodies, please check out our Patreon at Patreon.com/TabletopSquadron.

##

LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.

—

NICK: [claps once sharply, laughs maniacally]

CAMERON: Did you get the mosquito?

NICK: I think I missed. I did punch myself.

CAMERON: [distraught] No!

NICK: I did punch myself in the stomach, though.

—

HUDSON: [giggling] I was trying to push  him off and he jumped and he went flying. [laughs]

LILIT: [sweet voice (for babies or animals] Oh, aw baby~

HUDSON: He almost went in the trash. I almost threw our trash cat away.

LILIT: Almost went into the trash where he belongs.

—

NICK: Lilit, would you rather distort the weird noise I’m about to make or would you rather just go look for a fucking dinosaur noise?

LILIT: I would rather look for my own dinosaur noise.

[laughter]

NICK: Okay.

—

LILIT: That’s not important right now. What’s important is he died doing what he loved… attempted murder.

—

HUDSON: Okay, so I had an idea.

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: What if I just told everyone to believe and really concentrate, and that triggered my Force abilities?

[laughter]

—

NICK: I’m gonna sneeze. … [sneezes]

CAMERON: [silly] Bless you.

—

NICK: Can you rephrase that and not make it sound like a money shot thing?

[laughter]

LILIT: No, leave it in, leave it how it is.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: I’ll just re-edit it back in.

[laughter]

—

HUDSON: Just a second, there’s a war going on.

LILIT: Oh my god! Ah!

HUDSON: Whoa!

[laughter]

LILIT: Oh my god. Someone call the Coast Guard. We’re under attack.

HUDSON: Give me a second.

LILIT: I don’t know if you could see any of it, but Fry is in the bread and Leeloo’s behind the chair, and Leeloo stands up with their paw and does a swat, swat, swat thing at Fry, and Fry retaliates through the back of the chair slats, so it’s just them going swat-swat-swat at each other.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I just saw the gazelle leap as Fry—

HUDSON: And then the gazelle leap as Leeloo retreats.

LILIT: Yeah. Because Leeloo ran away, so Fry had to follow.

NICK: Ah, fair.

—

LILIT: I just want the light to go out.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Either stay on or go out.

NICK: [stammers] Can you just, like, turn off the light? Or will it be too dark?

LILIT: There’s no other lights.

NICK: Oh…

LILIT: There’s one light switch in this room.

NICK: It also might be possible to tighten the bulb. It maybe is just loose?

LILIT: It’s one of those full globe lights.

NICK: Oh.

CAMERON: Ah.

LILIT: So we would have to get up there…

HUDSON: Loosen the side screws, and then take the bulb off.

LILIT: …and unscrew all the sides.

NICK: Oh, that’s such a pain. Maybe it would be better to just—

LILIT: Yeah, it would take like a solid ten minutes because we’d also have to go find the stepladder to get up and do that.

NICK: Well, it’s almost over. Just throw a brick at it. You’re gonna sell that house anyway. Who cares?

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: Move all the audio equipment first.

NICK: Oh yeah, yeah, that part.

CAMERON: Just to avoid the glass.

LILIT: Certainly not whoever would buy this house. They’d be totally fine with just a broken light, glass everywhere.

—

HUDSON: You all are lucky because I almost, earlier, when I did that spraying action on the mythosaur, said “that’s the money shot!”

LILIT: Oh god.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON: But that’s too on the nose. [laughs]

NICK: I don’t know at this point.

CAMERON: [sighs] No, we have to be classy.

—

FRY: [loud adorable meow, light jingle]

NICK: Yes, thank you, Fry. And—

—

HUDSON: Or like that Mountain Dew commercial.

LILIT: What?

HUDSON: The like, um… the mystery themes on the Mountain Dew com—Am I crazy?

NICK: Yes. [laughs]

LILIT: Yes. I mean yeah, but…

HUDSON: [laughs] Y’all don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s a black and white commercial and it has two brothers or something and they steal shit and they’re wearing overcoats and they have really sharp beaks.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: What?!

NICK: Um… yeah, so—

LILIT: It was Mountain Dew?

HUDSON: Maybe I’m wrong. Hold on.

NICK: [sweetly] Cameron, she’s helping.

LILIT: Are you thinking of Spy vs. Spy?

HUDSON: Yes! It’s that.

CAMERON: [sweetly] Robin, you need to help by killing the mosquito!

LILIT: These things?

HUDSON: Yeah that!

NICK: She’s hiding.

CAMERON: Aw…

LILIT: They’re just like a little cartoon thing.

NICK: They’re from MAD TV.

HUDSON: Spy vs. Spy I thought was Mountain Dew.

NICK: No…

LILIT: No, that’s like a comic strip.

NICK: I bet you there was a Spy vs. Spy Mountain Dew commercial at some point, actually.

HUDSON: [excited] There are! I just looked it up. There are.

—

NICK: [joyful] Hi Fry!

CAMERON: Fry, how do you think we should end the episode?

NICK: With Fry.

—

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] Yes!

LILIT: Huds—Oh no…

[laughter]

HUDSON: We’re not actually arguing in real life, Lilit!

[laughter]

—

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron… I’m your host and game master Nick. Episode 37! This is all in the wrong order. Try again. [laughs] I did the hard part. Heh…

—

NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, my name is Cunty Bush Did 9/11 Jones.

NICK: No!

[laughter]

LILIT: Wow~!

CAMERON: No!

HUDSON: Okay, so my plan was—

CAMERON: Goodness gracious.

LILIT: Can I include ANY of that? I don’t think so.

HUDSON: I was wanting to say something that could not be included in anything we ever release, and I was like “what could I say that would do that?” [laughs]

NICK: You had to go hard. I’m kind of proud of this.

CAMERON: Wow~!

[laughter]

LILIT: You… You really had to… had to go there.

NICK: How did you know the name of this week’s Patreon NPC, Hudson?

HUDSON: Like, I don’t even think this can go in bloopers.

NICK: No!

CAMERON: No!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Wait. So which part of the name can’t go in bloopers?

NICK: Lilit can put—All of it! All of it. Well, mostly the first name. So, this could go in bloopers, just Lilit’s gonna have to bleep out the actual name and you’re just gonna hear our response.

HUDSON: Yes! [laughs] yes.

NICK: And normally I would say the listener’s imagination is going to supply something way worse than what you said, but in this case I’m not sure that’s possible.

HUDSON: This will be the number one Easter egg that listeners will be like “I wonder what Hudson actually said that day.”

NICK: Oh my gosh…

LILIT: No one will ever know.

CAMERON: Question for next year’s TabletopCon. What name did Hudson say in Episode 37?

NICK: Yeah… I refuse.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Did you actually—? Do your introduction!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Oh yeah. I should do it again. Okay.

—

NICK: Luckily, the threat in this arena is currently sleeping off a heaping helping of knock-out gas imbibed at the hands of the crew.

[cell phone rings]

CAMERON: [gasps dramatically] Nicholas!

NICK: As I get a call from work! Work… don’t call me anymore. I quit.

LILIT: [makes mocking sounds]

NICK: Sorry Lilit, I missed that. One more time?

LILIT: [makes mocking sounds, loudly]

NICK: Thank you.

[laughter]

—

NICK: If you wanna describe—

LILIT: I just have to interject very quick. [dramatically] Shattered chassis?! I did no such thing!

NICK: … I don’t get that reference at all.

LILIT: [emphasizing each word] Shat her chassis.

NICK: [groaning] Oh…

HUDSON: Oh god.

LILIT: I’m sorry. That’s why I apologized in advance.

NICK: Lilit’s in rare form today.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Pretty good.

—

NICK: Strapped onto the body at a weird angle. His chest has been crushed in. He does not look fine.

LILIT: His arms were cut off. His legs were cut off.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: His ears were cut off.

—

LILIT (as Xianna): So Tink, do you want to go through the hallways or do you want to go back up the chute?

HUDSON: Uh—

LILIT (as Xianna): Fry, we did not ask you!

[chuckling]

HUDSON: Okay, he’s sitting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did this random loth-cat come from? This is so weird. Go away, little minou minou. Go away.

—

NICK: —3.5 meters of Tink in his broad shoulders, and then cuts away.

CAMERON: I believe Tink is 1.7 meters tall.

LILIT: Yeah, 3.5 meters…

NICK: He’s only 1.7 meters tall?

HUDSON: You all weren’t—

LILIT: He’s not like 10-something feet tall, Nick!

NICK: I’m bad at numbers.

CAMERON: He’s like a little over 6 foot.

LILIT: This is why every time you use meters I try to remind you of what that would be in feet.

NICK: I know that a meter is roughly a yard and a yard is three feet, but for whatever reason that logic doesn’t transfer into when I’m talking.

CAMERON: It’s like slightly bigger than a yard.

NICK: Yeah.

—

NICK: So I’ll retake that but with numbers correctly.

CAMERON: [giggling] He’s a big boy but not 3.5 meters.

LILIT: He is not 12 foot Home Depot skeleton tall.

HUDSON: Here’s the thing. You all didn’t account for that episode that you and Cam weren’t on where I fell in that vat of toxic goo and—

[laughter]

NICK: That’s it.

LILIT: Yeah, you’re right.

CAMERON: And we’ve just been too scared to mention it since then.

LILIT: I forgot that your mutant X-Men powers were activated.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Oh goodness. Okay.

—

NICK: For the record, I ate too many chicken wings and now I’m too full and my tummy hurts.

HUDSON: I’m sorry.

CAMERON: [sweetly] Aw, Nicholas.

NICK: [pouty] They were so good, though.

—

[several thuds, light jingling]

NICK: Oh no…

HUDSON: What fell?

LILIT: [laughs] Fry knocked my phone out of my hand which then hit him, which then scared him, so he jumped out of the chair and then looked up at me as if I was the problem.

[laughter]

—

HUDSON: I plan—

LILIT: [slyly] He’s a wet ass pussy.

HUDSON: [huffs]

NICK: Damn, Lilit!

LILIT: I mean, you can’t say the cat is wet without me saying he’s a wet ass pussy!

NICK: That was an appreciative “damn,” like “good stuff.”

[laughter]

—

NICK (as Seelie): Alright. Well, I think I remember you all yelling a second ago that you want to go see the boss. We were trying to fart—

CHRISTINE: We were trying to fart!

[laughter]

LILIT: Fart, fart, fart!

CAMERON: You know it’s good for you.

LILIT: Did you like that?

NICK (as Seelie): Better out than in, I always say.

CAMERON: [laughs]

—

NICK (as Seelie): I have a flock of, uh…

NICK: Fuck. What are the name of those things~?

HUDSON: Birds!

CAMERON: [laughs] Penguins!

NICK (as Seelie): [overenthusiastic] Thanks, Hudson!

NICK: [laughs] You were so excited. Um…

—

LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 38:
Do Droids Dream of Electric Banthas?

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 38 of Season 2! It’s raining outside just like it’s raining in our hearts. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Studious day we’re having, Master nick.

NICK: Ohoho, indubitably.

HUDSON: [overenthusiastic] Indubitably. I am Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer!

[laughter]

NICK: Ha-ha! Top show! Up next, of course, we have Lilit.

LILIT: [very flat] Hello…

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

HUDSON: I knew you couldn’t top mine.

[laughter]

LILIT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

CAMERON: Wait. Did you do a funny intro, Hudson? I thought it was just normal.

HUDSON: Oh, yeah I—

LILIT: That’s just how Hudson talks. I don’t understand.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yeah, you’re all right.

NICK: Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

NICK: Hahaha!

LILIT: Uh-oh.

## Recap

NICK: When we last left off you all had managed to help repel the invasion of Endo’s pirates but not before they had managed to steal Kettle’s collection of the Shattered Force. Both of her artifacts were taken by Endo’s crew. You were able to escape a hunting group of stathas, and it ended with you having a long conversation about the logistics of bringing repair supplies to Kettle’s base.

You managed to hitch a lift with Seelie Mox who was headed back to the capital of Mandalore, and you all, and Mills, and Balthazar the strill, were able to hitch a lift on Kettle’s luxury speeder and head back to civilization. That’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight hunched around a campfire at night with their driver, Seelie Mox, their safari guide, Mills, and the hairless strill, Balthazar. You are otherwise alone in the Mandalorian wilderness. The distant trill of a hunting group of stathas pierces the night as you stare into the flames. There’s the subtle crackle of the wood as it burns. You hear crickets on the horizon. The stars are bright above you.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, how’s it been going, Seelie?

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, uh… pretty good. You know, driving whoever needs driving, keeping up with Kettle when I got to, kinda my jam. Nothing’s really changed that much. The Empire did some pretty ridiculous stuff. Blew up a planet. Pretty crazy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Seelie): But it looks like the thing that blew up the planet got destroyed, so that’s cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Seelie, what are your dreams, your aspirations?

NICK (as Seelie): My dreams…?

NICK: He stares into the stars above and rubs at his arms to ward off the chill. The fire crackles.

NICK (as Seelie): Eh, probably to drive, you know, like criminally. Help people to escape places. That’s something that I really aspire to.

CAMERON (as Karma): Isn’t that what you’re doing?

NICK (as Seelie): Yep, living my best life, baby.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: He finger guns to Karma across the fire.

CAMERON: Karma does an awkward mom finger gun back.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Picture that however you may.

NICK (as Seelie): You know, it’s been a while since we talked, Tink. We used to get each other out of jams all the time. What are your dreams?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well you know, right now I’m just with my best buds on a ship traveling the universe, just going along with the flow of the universe. So, I don’t know what else I could ask for at this point. But I guess, hmm… probably to be one of the most well-known hackers that isn’t truly known.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, so do you want to be known or not known?

HUDSON (as Tink): I want to be known but not by Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): You want to be known as the looming shadow in the darkness.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought you were. I thought that’s why you left your tag whenever you hacked.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I’ve been switching through tags. I think I’m gonna finally land on one that will actually also come with a costume.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so my latest and final hacker persona, the one that’s gonna get me famous, is Anonymouse. I never meet with people in person unless I’m wearing this homemade mouse head.

LILIT (as Xianna): How do you spell that name? Just in case anyone was curious.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s spelled A-N-O-N-I-M-A-U-5.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): That doesn’t spell Anonymouse.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it does in a cool way.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that spells Anonymou-‘five.’

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, the 5 is like the rest of the word but you were… you’re too lazy to really spell out “mouse,” so you do the cool thing with the 5 instead.

LILIT (as Xianna): But a 5 is the exact same amount of characters as an S.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, you’re not spelling out five.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just one character.

HUDSON (as Tink): But you leave out the E.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but you could have just put an S.

HUDSON (as Tink): It just looks cooler, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Does it?

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to show you the mouse head I’ve been working on. I promise you it’s not scary.

NICK (as Seelie): No, see, the reason you spell it with numbers is that’s how you can tell who understands the culture when they’re talking about it. If someone calls it Anonymou-‘five,’ then you know they’re not cool, but if they say Anonimau5,’ you know they are. It’s like a subtle test.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I’m going to say Anonymou-‘five.’

HUDSON (as Tink): You do what you do. I’ll do what I do.

NICK (as Seelie): See, but Xianna’s pretty cool and aware, so like, she’s saying it ironically. That’s okay too.

LILIT (as Xianna): No!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah! She is!

LILIT (as Xianna): Is there no way for me to not care while saying this name?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, not if… If you wanna be cool, then no, there’s not.

NICK (as Seelie): But I think this is a good conversation topic, though. Not to just assume some sort of proctor role or conversational leader position here, but uh… Karma, what are your dreams~?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure Karma wants to start a daycare. I heard that before. Didn’t you hear that before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Do I?! What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Absolutely not. No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, well never mind. What is it, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, my twins are grown. I’m done with kids.

NICK: Mills stops playing the harmonica, lowers it from his face still holding it nearby, and says…

NICK (as Mills): Some would argue she’s already started a daycare.

NICK: …and then goes back to playing harmonica again.

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns at Mills, less mom-like this time.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I guess… kinda like Tink, there’s a lot going on right now that kinda works for me with just the traveling around, just doing jobs as we go. I guess it would be nice to go back home and just not have to work, but I would probably get bored pretty quickly. So, I don’t know, maybe I’ll be a safari guide.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, that’s my gig. Well, it was my gig. Now that the speeder’s blown up, I guess there’s an empty birth, but you’d need a speeder and a certification. I will say, if that’s something you’re interested in doing, the easiest way is to kill a safari guide and assume his identity. I mean, to win it in a Sabacc game.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay, noted. Thank you.

NICK (as Mills): You just have to have the medallion is the thing. So, if you have the clearance on your speeder that the satellites see that you’re allowed to be in the wilderness, then you’re good, so really you just need a speeder or the clearance to attach to a speeder. Killing someone can get it for you, being given it, or you could go through the whole certification thing which takes a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’d probably go through the certification course.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay, so it seems like Karma’s dreams are to be employed in something interesting, maybe on Glee Anselm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay. That’s very attainable.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have honed a very particular set of skills and I would like to be able to continue using those.

NICK: Seelie looks contemplative for a second and then looks over to Xianna. Every time he says “dreams” his eyes get real wide and his eyebrows rise really high up on his forehead.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as Seelie): Xianna, your turn. What are your dreams~?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why this is so hard for everyone else. I want me and my very sexy girlfriend to live a fabulous life of crime.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that tracks.

NICK (as Seelie): I would like to amend my dream to Xianna’s dream, please.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna’s dream is your new dream?

NICK (as Seelie): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as Seelie): Perfect.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! You know what? I know someone who’s single and looking… and may be your employer.

LILIT (as Xianna): We already have all the positions filled!

CAMERON (as Karma): We are not setting Kettle up with Seelie.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh kriff, no. Kettle’s my boss. That would be so weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): What? That’s happened so many times before.

LILIT (as Xianna): But it’s like an HR violation, and besides, we were going to do three dating contestants and we already have three.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if one of them dies?

NICK (as Seelie): Also, when she gets mad at people she knows, they tend to die horribly. Lately it’s been being fed to a mythosaur, but before that it was this gigantic robotic tiger fish thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Uh-huh.

NICK (as Seelie): And before that she would just shoot them. So, I kinda like my position as off to the side, sometimes drive a speeder. It’s safer there. I’d rather just keep that relationship about where it is.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair.

NICK (as Seelie): Also Tink, I’m kinda getting the impression that you’re trying to help Kettle out with that arrangement and you’re not really considering what would be best for me, and that hurts, man. We’ve known each other a long time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t say you “had” to do it, I said if you’re looking for love I know someone who’s single.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, I’m absolutely looking for love but not with my murderous mob boss… boss.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the whole point of the show is that she is the fabulous bachelorette, so of course we are catering to her. She is the focus of the show.

NICK (as Seelie): Nobody offered to make me the fabulous bachelor of a cool show to pay off debts and avoid being killed…

NICK: Seelie looks off to the side and kicks at a dirt clod from where he’s sitting.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Hey, Seelie, there’s still time, don’t worry.

NICK: Without being asked, Mills lowers his harmonica and says:

NICK (as Mills): My dream is to kill all the trees… all of them.

CAMERON (as Karma): On every planet?

NICK (as Mills): The entire galaxy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Dang… um.

NICK (as Mills): I gotta save up enough money to get a star destroyer. I’ll just go from planet to planet killing trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I think most species tend to appreciate oxygen.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I’m fine with kelp and grasslands and moss and other types of plants. It’s just the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm. Yeah, but depending on the planet the trees can be a real big impact there.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I’ll leave Kashyyyk for last. Pretty sure that’s the only planet with giant trees. Everywhere else it’s like glowing mushrooms or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we all know the rule that only one planet is allowed to have trees in the galaxy.

NICK (as Mills): They can have trees, but only one planet is allowed to be a giant deciduous rainforest.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay.

NICK (as Mills): And that’s Kashyyyk. But that’s my dream.

HUDSON (as Tink): So this sounds like a very kriffed up Lorax situation.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Mills): An anti-Lorax.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Mills): That famous Jedi myth of the Lorax, speaker of trees.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes-yes, we all know about the Lorax.

NICK (as Mills): My avowed nemesis.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s really weird that you’ve decided that the Lorax is your nemesis.

NICK (as Mills): He’s the friend of the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Mills): Anyway. I’m very assured in my dreams and goals. We don’t really need to talk about it more.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think anyone’s gonna argue with you if you try to take out all the trees on Unroola Dawn. They’ve got it coming.

NICK (as Mills): That’s my first stop. If I happen to hit some of the horrifying monsters and monkeys and shark centipedes, then that would be fine too.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I forgot about the shark centipedes.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, those are messed up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Dang. That was a while ago.

NICK: Mills looks to the edge of the firelight where Balthazar is laying in the grass.

NICK (as Mills): What about you, buddy?

NICK (as Balthazar): [various bellowing wails]

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Mills): That’s a good point, buddy. You’re right. I do think that eternal hunting and fulfilling your life as a predator is also very important. I’ll make sure to keep that in mind.

##

NICK: We swipe away to the next day. The luxury speeder is ripping across the Mandalorian wilderness. We get a couple of scenes of Seelie driving extremely recklessly, jumping over hills and chasms as you all are being chased by various wildlife in the grasslands. We also get a shot of the speeder up on a jack with Tink, just his legs sticking out from under the speeder as he tries to repair something underneath.

Then we see you all being dropped back at basically the civic center of the capital of Mandalore. Picture a Time Square kind of situation but if Time Square was built by drunk cowboys from the future, so lots of lights, everything at kind of weird angles. Seelie pulls down to stop. You all are kind of motion-sick, a little afraid for your safety because his driving is always so extreme.

CAMERON: Karma is holding onto the oh-shit bar and has a mom arm thrown out to keep Balthazar in his seat.

NICK: Balthazar has a giant toothy smile and his extra-large tongue is hanging out and probably dripping onto your forearm.

CAMERON: Gross.

NICK: So, the doors open up and Seelie says:

NICK (as Seelie): Well, I’m off to get supplies. It’s been great hanging out with you all for these last couple of days as we made it back to town. What’s your plan next?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I think you’re dropping supplies off at our ship.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, right, yeah. Had we agreed we were doing that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Seelie): I’ll admit I kinda zoned out when you and Kettle were talking logistics. I’ll bring the stuff by the ship periodically. We can leave, like, tonight I suppose, but that still gives you a day while I collect supplies. How are you gonna spend that time?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Can we go to brunch with Tink’s parents? Please?

HUDSON (as Tink): Um?

CAMERON (as Karma): Most definitely, we’re doing that. Tink, call your moms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I want to order Felucian toast and put the syrup on top with the powdered sugar.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you do blueberry syrup or do you do maple syrup?

LILIT (as Xianna): [indignant] Maple.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, good answer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who does blueberry?

LILIT (as Xianna): And blueberry. I use both.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa. Whoa. You don’t mix the syrups.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): You mix the syrups!

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): I only don’t mix the syrups if I am getting the blueberry pancakes with the blueberry filling. Then you put just the blueberry syrup on top.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I’m not even gonna get any kind of toast. I’m getting eggs Bespin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Gross.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s so good.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do agree, it is pretty delicious. Only thing I have my eye on is hot chocolate.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not food.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know, but you gotta order beverages first.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, if you put enough marshmallows in it, you can eat it with a spoon and then it is food.

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also fair, or if you make it thick enough that you can dip churros in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is just a soup.

HUDSON (as Tink): Or, if you add enough crackers to it, you could eat it with a fork.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you adding crackers to hot chocolate?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Why would you not add marshmallows?

HUDSON (as Tink): I like it to be a little salty.

NICK: We get a smash cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight. Seelie has gone off on his logistics mission, Mills has disappeared into the city, and the crew of the Afternoon Delight and Tink’s moms are at a fancy brunch place having just ordered. Everyone give me a detail about this brunch place.

CAMERON: There’s too many chandeliers and they’re all the crystal super-sparkly ones.

NICK: Nice. Very good.

LILIT: All of the drinks are getting served out of mason jars. Duh.

NICK: [laughs] Of course. Goes well with the chandeliers.

HUDSON: Both the floor and the tablecloths are red and white checkerboard.

NICK: Interesting. I think it’s actually on a very large patio on one of the sky rises. You have a beautiful view out to the horizon and there are speeders around you. Half of the restaurant is inside but it has an open terrace and you all are seated out on the terrace in the morning sunlight. Tink’s parents have dressed up, they are wearing nice hats, and you all are waiting for your brunch to arrive.

CAMERON (as Mossie): So, what did you kids get up to?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, not much, actually, but we did see what we thought was an extinct dinosaur that was brought back to life and attacking us that I ended up knocking out with some toxic gas that I hit a pipe under my feet and it sprayed in the monster’s face.

CAMERON (as Mossie): That is incredibly specific.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Tink, are you implying that you fought a mythosaur?

HUDSON (as Tink): I fought a mythosaur. We got pics to prove it, mama.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Sweetie, I don’t wanna not believe you, but unless you show me them pics I just don’t believe you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I wanna see the pictures.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh yes, I took so many selfies. Let me send them to you. What is your com number?

HUDSON (as Tink): My com number is—

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not your com number, Tink! I already have your com number.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m talking about your mothers’ com numbers, duh!

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was TinksMom1@aol.com.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, that’s still mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re TinksMom2 then?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now sweetie, I’m MamaTink@aol.net.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh~

CAMERON (as Mossie): We just like to be complicated.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I don’t want it to imply that one of us is, you know, more important than the other. You know?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True.

LILIT: Once Xianna gets the com number she sends over all the selfies. Not a single one has Tink in a full frame. It’s always Tink slightly in the background or blurry. They are all full selfies of Xianna with a mythosaur in the background.

CAMERON: Luckily, Karma also took photos and those photos were centered around Tink, so she also sends those.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you believe me now?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well hot damn! Our baby fought a mythosaur.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I’m reaching great heights, you know?

LILIT (as Rhonda): So what happened to your droid friend? I don’t see him running around.

LILIT: With a mouthful of toast:

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, HK is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no. HK is resting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Nuh-uh! He is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): Just fully dead. Gone. RIP.

HUDSON (as Tink): No. No one’s pressing F in this chat. He is fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… HK’s somewhere in the middle of those two, currently not up-and-running.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Your friend’s a droid. Can’t you just, uh… as long as the central processing unit’s fine, can’t you just fix him up?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the theory, but there’s some extensive damage we’re gonna have to get some help for, but it’ll be done and then HK will be back in our lives. I wonder what happens to robots when they decommission for inordinate periods of time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh goodness.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Do droids dream of electric banthas?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Perfect. Thank you, Lilit. While you are discussing the existential crisis of death of electronic beings, a waiter swings by and slides your plates in front of you all, and you have food.

LILIT: We already have our food because Xianna already had food in her mouth.

CAMERON: Xianna had her mouth full.

NICK: Oh. I was assuming you were eating like a mouthful of toast and it was like toast on the table already. A waiter brings you the second course after the traditional Mandalorian first course of toast. You are given your main brunch dishes. What all is everyone eating?

LILIT: Well, obviously Xianna has ordered the Felucian toast.

NICK: It has jogan fruit filling. It’s really good.

LILIT: She does indeed pour like half the bottle of syrup on top.

NICK: Like you do. It’s tradition.

HUDSON: Tink gets the eggs Bespin and drowns it in way too much ketchup.

NICK: [cackles]

CAMERON: Oof.

LILIT: Xianna is actively pouring more syrup on top of her toast and looks over at Tink and just starts shaking her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is disgusting, Tink.

HUDSON: I ask the wait staff for more ketchup.

NICK: They bring you two more bottles. We get this camera shot of over Karma’s shoulder with the side silhouettes of Tink’s parents, and we see Tink and Xianna with eyes locked, both of them dumping their condiments of choice onto their food while glaring at each other, as it threatens to spill over onto the red checkered tablecloth.

CAMERON: Oof.

NICK: Karma, what did you get?

CAMERON: [smiling] So, hot chocolate.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: I think Karma just got a big stack of waffles.

NICK: Waffles are a very good choice.

CAMERON: She’s putting a reasonable amount of maple syrup on them. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. Rhonda got a very large plate, about the size of a hubcap, just filled with grits with various different seafood sprinkled around it and Cajun seasoning. Mossie got a side salad and the fruit plate. You all dig in and have a lovely brunch.

CAMERON: Mossie is 100% stealing grits from Rhonda’s plate.

NICK: That’s why Rhonda got such a big dish, because she knows that you like to share and she doesn’t like to share, so she just had to get a ludicrous amount.

LILIT: It’s not subtle either. The stealing is very out in the open.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Yeah no, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. Thus… my grits.

NICK: [laughs] So we swipe away from brunch. We see the brunch party walking out of the door of this high rise. Everybody is standing around in the area where the speeders are parked. Rhonda is holding the keys to the family speeder and Mossie is standing on the other side and you all are just happily chatting. You’ve said goodbye, but it’s one of those things where the conversation just keeps going for a while when the meal is over.

LILIT: Xianna keeps edging further and further away.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have been saying goodbye for like ten minutes! Come on!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not every day I get to see my family.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, it could be.

NICK: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh…

LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, you could call us more often.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You just disappeared for years over spaghetti.

LILIT (as Rhonda): We could have a holo chat every day if you wanted.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a…

LILIT (as Rhonda): Or every other day. Or on the weekends. Doesn’t have to be every day.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I don’t know about every day, or every other day, or every weekend, but… I like the as needed. You know?

CAMERON (as Mossie): I mean, you could come home for Life Day, at least.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what? I’ll commit to coming home for Life Day at some point.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, the “at some point” at the end there, Tink, doesn’t make it much of a commitment.

HUDSON (as Tink): I might have business to attend to!

CAMERON (as Karma): We do tend to be busy on Life day. That has happened the past few years.

HUDSON (as Tink): So maybe we can have Life Day but not on actual Life Day.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, it’s the thought that counts, and as long as we get to see you around the holiday…

CAMERON (as Mossie): We just wanna see you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I appreciate it. I wanna see you all too. And, uh… adios.

NICK: [smiling] Tink turns and just starts walking away.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright, well bye! … I guess?

HUDSON: I keep walking. I’m nearly out of sight now.

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): It was very nice to meet you both. I’m going to go and catch them before anything regretful happens.

NICK: So, you’ve finished brunch with Tink’s parents. Endo has Kettle’s and his pieces of the Shattered Force and still apparently has a large military force at his disposal. You all are gonna need to gear up before you go, and you have some funds. Is there any gear, weaponry, armor, gadgets that you wanna purchase? Mandalore’s capital is a large city.

CAMERON: Uh, HK.

NICK: Oh, and also HK.

CAMERON: That is what I would like to do is acquire pieces to both repair and upgrade HK.

NICK: Okay. That’s pretty easily done. I think repairing him probably costs like 5,000 Credits to buy all the pieces you need, to repair and upgrade him. We see everybody walk in. Karma still has the netting with the bits of HK strapped to it on her back and you walk out with a large wooden crate full of droid parts and various weapons that you intend to install. Is there anything else that you wanna get?

HUDSON: I would like to go to a place to sharpen and add stuff to my vibro-axe.

NICK: Tink is looking at his vibro-axe and seeing that it still has some room for improvement and looks up to see himself standing in front of a weapon smith of some kind. It looks like it is sort of a mix between a giant 3D printer and a droid brain. It would be able to do pretty much whatever you want to your weapon almost immediately, but it’s expensive, and you know that you’re completely out of money.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s just level with each other for a second. I think that you’ve stolen credits from me in the past.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it is possible.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, there’s this thing I really, really want. I want to take my vibro-axe, and I wanna put it over there, and look, this place looks reputable. It has a sign; it says “Axe us about our specials.” Now that’s a really good joke.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that an illegitimate place would do that well at joking. So, I wanna give a master class upgrade to my vibro-axe. So… I need 5,000 Creds.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

HUDSON (as Tink): Please?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Tink, I do not even have 5,000 Credits for myself.

HUDSON (as Tink): Really?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, how many credits do you have?

CAMERON (as Karma): After spending 5k to fix HK?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… slightly over 5k.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): We could break in after hours and steal the upgrade.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe. But I mean, they just seem like good folks, you know? I wanna do this fair and square. But maybe with some gambling. That’s how I’ll get the money!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. Karma! Karma, you should just give him the money so he doesn’t have to go gambling. It won’t end well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, what are you gambling with? You don’t have any money.

HUDSON (as Tink): I read this thing on the Holonet that—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): —someone took a paperclip and came out with a star destroyer.

LILIT (as Xianna): But they were trading, not gambling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Which in itself is a gamble.

LILIT (as Xianna): And that took them like a long time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I just gotta condense that down.

CAMERON (as Karma): It also took people doing bad trades because they knew that it was a bit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… yeah. I wonder who has money I can borrow from.

NICK: So Tink, are you going to try to borrow a small amount of money and gamble your way into success or are you going to call your parents and ask for a loan…? What is your plan to get your axe upgraded?

HUDSON: Hmm. I turn and I’m like…

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder if the solution will just come to me.

HUDSON: …and as I’m turning, I’m kind of spinning in circles, I just stop and I look forward and there is a place called Credits, Credits, Credits, one day credit loans, no credit check. I walk up and I’m like…

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I think this is gonna work.

HUDSON: …and I walk in and I’m not in there for two minutes and I walk out with 5,000 Credits.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I have the paperwork that I signed very quickly and didn’t read.

NICK: Yup!

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a great plan, Tink. Good for you. Nothing wrong will happen there. It will be totally fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is your plan, exactly, here?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Get the free money.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh?

HUDSON (as Tink): And in the event that I don’t pay it back in time, which I totally will…

CAMERON (as Karma): Today?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. The money comes to you today, the payback is, uh… somewhere in this fine print. If it doesn’t get paid back, they’ll try to go after the Afternoon Delight, but we’ll be long-gone by then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did you put your real name on the paperwork?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, it’s more likely that they’re gonna go after your moms because they’re on planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, they don’t know they’re my mom.

CAMERON (as Karma): You used your name, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, but I didn’t put their names down.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, but I’m assuming there’s some records somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh… You know what? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m ready to get my axe done up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear lord.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Karma, let him go get his weapon fixed. This will be totally fine and nothing bad will happen in the future that we will ever have to deal with.

CAMERON (as Karma): [strained] Uh-huh… yep, fair.

LILIT (as Xianna): It definitely will not be very funny to watch Tink have to deal with any of this later on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. I guess the good thing is that the Afternoon Delight is not in Tink’s name.

HUDSON (as Tink): They didn’t ask questions.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… alright. Well, have fun I guess.

NICK: So Tink, you walk into this weapon modification stand and there’s some loud noises. You deposit I assume all 5,000 Credits?

HUDSON: Yes, and then I ask for the master class upgrade, and it goes [error noise], and I’m like wait, did I say that wrong, and I look through my holo pad to see what the actual name of the upgrade I want is.

NICK: It’s the superior upgrade.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh kriff. The superior upgrade, please.

NICK: A very large drawer opens, about the size and dimensions of your vibro-axe, and after you’ve given 5,000 Credits it withdraws back into the machine and a timer for three minutes starts to go. We cut to Karma and Xianna just kind of awkwardly waiting outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, this is a bad plan that he’s got here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, it is terrible. But again, it will be very funny.

CAMERON (as Karma): I wonder who loaned the money.

CAMERON: Karma starts looking on the Holonet to see who owns Credits, Credits, Credits or whatever the store’s name was.

NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Knowledge (Underworld) check.

CAMERON: Oh, that’ll go well. An advantage?

NICK: You’re not able to find information about this shop specifically, but you know from your experience that these kinds of places are often run by shady underworld organizations, frequently the Hutts. This is the kind of thing that you can turn having a lot of money into a lot more money, so this is probably a Hutt front. Also, the subtitle for the shop is in Huttese. Pretty good indicator there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… Ah, I see. Yeah, that’s gonna go terribly.

NICK: Time goes by and Tink walks out with his newly superior axe. What’s changed about it, Tink?

HUDSON: It looks incredibly shiny. It’s a little bit heavier but doesn’t visibly have anything added on except like a bracelet type thing in the middle, and it’s very, very sharp again. It’s been re-sharpened.

NICK: You spin it and slot it onto your back and it moves like it’s a piece of you. You have never held a weapon that matched you this well. Also, when you put the vibro-axe in, the machine scanned you and it appears that it made some modifications to the dimensions and to some of the balance and things to specifically fit you, so this axe is wonderful and it’s for you.

You have gained 5,000 Credits, lost 5,000 Credits, gained a suspicious loan contract, and now your axe always starts every roll with an advantage. It can still be cancelled out, but it’s like adding an advantage, and does 1 more base damage.

While you all are on a shopping spree, is there anything else that you want to pick up?

LILIT: Xianna would like to acquire a whole bunch of grenades.

NICK: You can have as many grenades as you can afford.

LILIT: What if Xianna uses a five-finger discount to steal grenades?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Roll me a Skulduggery check.

LILIT: Okay!

NICK: This is a hard difficulty with two black dice because it’s the middle of business hours, at a weapon store, at basically gladiator planet. [laughs]

LILIT: I will be using Convincing Demeanor to remove one of those black dice.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because Xianna’s coat lends itself to pickpocketing and stealing so easily? Because you can’t see anything in the coat.

NICK: Sure, but I would like to flip a dark side point to make this whole check harder. Make one of them a red.

LILIT: Okay, so that is seven successes and a threat.

NICK: So… [sighs] I think you’re able to get seven grenades, whatever kind you want, but not thermal detonators. This place does not sell those. The threat is that a passive video camera gets a picture of your face so you’re probably not gonna be able to shop in this city again, because they’re gonna notice eventually and backtrack it, but like no one’s chasing you or anything.

LILIT: That’s okay, but also, I have Indistinguishable which means it’s an upgraded difficulty of checks to identify me.

NICK: Okay. So Cameron, roll me a daunting check against two yellows and two greens. Yeah, one of the purples is a red on that four difficulty check.

CAMERON: Alright.

NICK: This is just to see if this will come back to get you.

CAMERON: One success!

NICK: Huh. The good news is they don’t link “you” to Xianna’fan, the dead, wanted Twi’lek in the Imperial Database.

LILIT: Well of course, because she’s dead, so how would she be shoplifting in their store?

NICK: Well, if they had been more successful, they might have figured it out and marked you as “not dead” which would be very bad for you. I think what it is, as long as you don’t come back and shop ‘here’ and then stay around doing active stuff you’re probably fine, but you did get made, so if they compare who they’re looking at to the pictures they have as “this person stole from us” at a later time, it could be a problem. But you’re probably not planning on coming back here to come shopping anytime soon.

LILIT: No. You don’t hit up the same store twice in the same day.

NICK: So it should be fine. Xianna slips into a weapon shop down the street. Tink, you’ve just walked out with your axe, and there’s an awkward moment as the minutes tick by and Karma and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk while Xianna disappears inside. You can see through the front window the way she’s walking that she has no intention of buying anything and is probably stealing things.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that seems like a bad idea.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh? If it was one of us doing it, I would say yes, 100%. For Xianna? I don’t know, it could go either way.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, they can’t… Okay. Depending on what they’re stealing, things could explode, fire off, in a store full of other weapons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that wasn’t my concern. My concern was them getting caught.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): But I guess yeah, she could blow something up too, I guess. That’s a new thing to be concerned about now that I wasn’t thinking of before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly. If she does get caught, she can get out of it. She’s gotten out of hundreds of these. But I just don’t know about this.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think she’ll get caught. I think she’ll be fine. They probably won’t notice.

NICK: Xianna, you’re able to grab everything you need. You notice a camera on your way out but rely on your nondescript look to keep you hidden and quickly walk out to rejoin the crew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I am done shopping.

HUDSON (as Tink): How much did you spend?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not important.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, okay, okay.

CAMERON: [laughs] “Ah.”

NICK: Karma, was there anything that you wanted to spend money on while you’re in a well-settled city? Besides bringing your friend back to life.

CAMERON: Yeah. Next door to the shop that Tink got his axe upgraded at is a blaster store.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s Mandalore, of course there are weapon upgrades right next to blaster stores next to grenade emporiums.

CAMERON: Yeah. The blaster store of course also does upgrades, because they know blasters. Karma’s gonna go in and detach her carbine from the sling thing she’s got it in and is gonna do some upgrades on this sucker.

NICK: Okay. What are you getting?

CAMERON: Karma spends a lot of time researching weapon mods. It’s just a fun thing to do in your spare time. She has determined that she is going to get a forearm grip.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Which will decrease the difficulty of Ranged (Heavy) checks with the carbine while engaged…

NICK: Oh cool.

CAMERON: …so that it’s just an easy check rather than bumping back up to an average. Then, she’s going to acquire the under-barrel flame projector.

NICK: Oh goodness.

CAMERON: Which is what it sounds like.

NICK: You’re attaching a flamethrower to your rifle.

CAMERON: I am attaching a flamethrower to my rifle, yes.

NICK: So Karma walks into this shop. You see her place her much-loved and used carbine on the counter and is talking to what looks like a weapon smith inside. There’s a little bit of an awkward time as the minutes tick by and Xianna and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is this taking so long?

LILIT (as Xianna): Probably because she’s paying actual money.

HUDSON (as Tink): I paid actual money and it took me like under five minutes.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know. Maybe it’s easier to modify an axe than it is a whole gun.

HUDSON (as Tink): yeah, maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know nothing about guns.

NICK: Karma walks back out. It was pretty quick. These are modular things that slide into place on the rifle. Karma, you walk back out and strike an action pose with your new carbine upgrades.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice. You get a flashlight attachment?

CAMERON (as Karma): [grinning] A very powerful one. Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, super-bright.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh. [chuckles]

NICK: Having bought these upgrades, the afternoon has progressed on. You figure Seelie is probably headed back to the ship at this point or has dumped stuff where the ship is parked. You head back to the Afternoon Delight. As you approach the ship, you notice that something’s wrong.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m noticing something’s wrong. Anybody else?

CAMERON (as Karma): What is it?

NICK: As you get closer, the silhouette of the ship looks different, like something’s been tampered with. You get closer and you see that the landing ramp was blown open, like by a shaped charge, and someone has broken into the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well that’s just rude.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, that’s unfortunate. How do we get up there?

CAMERON: Karma climbs up the ramp.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] The ramp, it’s like a hole but you can jump and grab the edge and pull yourself up. You’re all strong combatants. You’re able to do that. As the three of you scrabble to get back into the ship—it’s a little harder for Karma, still wearing HK as a backpack, but she’s able to hand up the supplies to repair and upgrade HK.

The ship’s been tossed. You see that the hot tub—the lid has been pulled half off and there’s water sloshed everywhere soaking the shag carpeting. Doors are left half open. Some shredded plants from the greenhouse that you discovered with Illith are thrown out into one of the hallways.

Nothing valuable is missing at first; you still have the large rainbow skin that you took from a creature that tried to kill you, your speeder bikes are still parked in the ship. Xianna, you quickly run and check your stash and your drugs are still there. Can you all make a Perception check at average difficulty for me, please?

CAMERON: Two successes.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

LILIT: I have one success, five advantages.

HUDSON: I run over and I scream.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! Creamsicle!

HUDSON: And I go to grab what I think is Creamsicle but it’s just a pile of bundled socks that look like a dead Creamsicle.

NICK: [chuckles] You see Creamsicle’s head poke out of an air vent nearby and quirk at you inquisitively. So, you all notice at the same time that on the table by the hot tub where you all had put the Stone Breaker, the ancient data tablet that you first saw so long ago, and the Spirit Breaker, the blue ocean-filled orb that you had recovered more recently… they’re gone. Someone broke in and took them.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff?

CAMERON (as Karma): That bastard.

LILIT (as Xianna): They trash our entire ship and the items they are trying to look for are on the fucking table?! They didn’t have to trash everything! They could have just taken the items and gone!

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought they were on the mantle. I forgot they were there.

LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t have a mantle. There’s no fireplace in here.

HUDSON (as Tink): We have a mantle. It’s in my room. It just doesn’t have a fireplace under it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then it is just a shelf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s a mantle.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s only a mantle if it is above a fireplace.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Otherwise it is just a shelf.

HUDSON (as Tink): Either way, who could have done this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Endo!

CAMERON (as Karma): Endo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah…

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

CAMERON: Endo the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 37:
Clever Girl

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 37! I’m your host and game master, Nick. Much like the fall weather outside, we hope that our show inspires a peaceful sense of wistfulness inside you and helps you to value friendship. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. Is it fall outside?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Just this weekend though, right? It’s like supposed to get to 73 until Monday and then it goes back to summer.

LILIT: I mean, what even is fall in North Texas?

NICK: Fall is in our hearts.

CAMERON: I hear that sometimes in other places leaves change colors.

NICK: Sometimes plants die.

LILIT: I don’t think that’s true.

NICK: [laughs] That must have been made up by artists.

LILIT: Sounds fake.

CAMERON: People in other places are comfortable in sweaters in the fall. [laughs]

NICK: Weird. Next up we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Hudson, and I will be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer who will be playing Lilit who will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Got character-ception going on. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. My name is [long censor beep].

NICK: No!

[laughter]

LILIT: Wow~!

CAMERON: No!

NICK: Lilit’s gonna have to bleep out the actual name and you’re just gonna hear our response.

HUDSON: Yes. [laughs] Yes.

NICK: Normally I would say the listeners imagination is going to supply something way worse than what you said, but in this case I’m not sure that’s possible. Do your introduction.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Okay. My name is Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Just know that somewhere in the bloopers is Hudson going for… just a really genius shock value name and that, uh… it was a good time. Alright, so before we get to the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

## Recap

NICK: Great. When we last left the crew of the Afternoon Delight, you all had found Kettle’s secret gangster hideaway in the middle of the wilderness on Mandalore where she’s been working on some sort of… it looks like a black market operation mixed with a tourist attraction. This is not the first time you’ve seen her try this sort of business model. It’s a little concerning.

You managed to suggest to her that all of her problems would be solved by finding love, and made some suggestions, and then were dropped down a trap door into an open arena where you were a test run for a giant scientifically cloned or reconstructed mythosaur that tried to kill you. HK was crushed into tiny, tiny bits, and you all were finally able to bring it down by rupturing some sleeping gas from a tube in the floor and making it fall asleep.

Then, the base where you are went on red alert as it was rocked by some sort of external attack. As you all were trying to figure out what was going on, the arena locked down but a hole was blown in a wall nearby, and that’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight in an arena of death. Luckily, the threat in this arena is currently sleeping off a heaping helping of knock-out gas imbibed at the hands of the crew in a desperate effort. They are bedraggled and some have fallen. HK-67’s shattered chassis is strapped to Karma’s back. The crew climbs through a hole in the arena wall that was created by probably a bomb dropped by a speeder or a ship.

As you climb through all the rubble and out into Kettle’s scientific complex, what do you all look like after fighting one of the most terrifying creatures in the galaxy?

LILIT: Xianna surprisingly looks in very good condition. Just looks tired and has a lot of dust thrown on her. Didn’t get wounded at all, so good for her. Good for her.

HUDSON: Tink is dripping with sweat like a wet mop.

CAMERON: Ew. [laughs] Karma appears slightly tired and kind of looks like… You know the cutesy thing that happens in romcoms when you’re baking together and the flour just poofs out into a cloud? It looks like that happened to her but with dust. But she looks fine.

NICK: Strapped to your back is HK—

CAMERON: Who does not look fine.

NICK: —whose limbs have been shattered and knocked loose. His head is strapped onto the body at a weird angle. His chest has been crushed in. He does not look fine. Alarms are going off throughout the facility and you can hear blaster fire deeper into the winding hallways. What’s your plan? Where are you heading? What are you gonna do? Remember, you came here in the first place to try to take Kettle’s pieces of the Shattered Force.

CAMERON: What does it look like in this hallway?

NICK: The hallway is fairly blank. There’s some smoke floating in it. There’s a couple of branching paths. Figuring out where to go is going to be part of the challenge, but the first thing is deciding what your objective is.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright y’all, how do we tell if it’s good guys or bad guys who bombed this place?

LILIT: Xianna is currently standing next to the head of the mythosaur doing all sorts of selfie poses, like peace sign up against the chin, doing little loth-cat ears, and using different filters and emojis.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, I don’t really know. This whole thing sounds very sketchy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, in this situation, who exactly would be the good guys to be bombing?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a deep ethical question.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, we don’t have any bombs, so I’m not sure we are supposed to bomb them.

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, they’re asking if they’re bad or good people bombing here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! They’re bombing us.

NICK: [chuckling] A bomb shakes the facility and knocks some dust loose.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that makes more sense, actually. Yeah… yeah. We can always just go ask, you know? Just walk out and ask who it is that is attacking. Maybe we know them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Wait. We can go and just be like, what side are you on, and they’ll say what side they’re on, and we’ll be like oh, us too!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless we also want to kill them.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, we just do that at first, as trickery.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): But what if we do know them, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we do need to find Kettle and get the Force objects that Kettle has.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we gotta figure out what Kettle’s doing. I wonder if Kettle would flee.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, probably. That seems like something she would do. She seems smart.

CAMERON (as Karma): She seems really good at staying alive.

HUDSON: I try to call Kettle.

NICK: I don’t think you need to do a slicing check to use a public computer system that’s designed for communication. You very quickly find the function that you need and connect a call to Kettle’s office. It rings for a long time, and when it finally goes through all you hear is blaster fire and yelling, and nobody answers it. It sounds like there’s some sort of conflict happening in that office.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just heard the most chaotic voicemail message. I didn’t get ahold of them.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think we can climb back up the tunnel we came down from?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… I mean, I’m sure it’s possible for some of us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa! Is that a strike on me?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’d move a lot—there’s the potential to move a lot faster, anyway, if we go through the hallways and manage to just find a stairwell.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe, but I have no idea where those stairwells go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Probably up and down?

LILIT (as Xianna): I know where the chute goes. It goes straight up.

NICK: This would be a point where HK chimes in to add chaos and also say both ideas would work, but he dead, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what do you think?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK is dead! Look at him.

CAMERON (as Karma): He’s not really awake right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] HK is asleep on their own accord.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, he is fully smashed. He is dead. He is gone.

HUDSON (as Tink): So he went out and got smashed. Everyone does it, except me, but most people go out and get smashed and then you just sleep it off. Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna rests a hand on Tink’s shoulder and looks up at him, shaking her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Tink, not like that. No.

NICK: You can see that some hydraulic fluid and some lonely sad sparks are dripping out of HK’s smashed body.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is gone forever. We cannot fix this, not at all, absolutely not.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you just don’t want to fix it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we can fix this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct, I don’t want to do any fixing. If I have to do the fixing, he will stay dead. If someone else does the fixing though… then maybe, but I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m thinking Tink does it, or we pay someone else to do it if Tink doesn’t feel like it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That makes sense. So Tink, do you want to go through the hallways or do you want to go back up the chute?

HUDSON (as Tink): I want to… I’m just feeling hallways right now. Maybe they’re our friends who are attacking the base.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

LILIT: Xianna shrugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t understand why you don’t think it’s fun to go up vents and chutes.

NICK: The camera pans up all two-plus meters of Tink and his broad shoulders, and you can’t help but wonder, yeah, why wouldn’t this giant melee combatant want to climb into a vent. You all head off down a hallway at what is your closest approximation to head back towards Kettle’s office. You quickly find some stairs. There’s some security cameras and what looks like some trip lasers and things like that, but they’ve all been deactivated. You’re able to make pretty good time, but the blaster fire keeps getting closer.

CAMERON: Good, that means we’re going the right direction.

NICK: You come to an exit door that’s up on probably the same floor as that office you originally visited with Kettle, and you can hear blaster fire on the other side of the door. What do you do?

CAMERON: Before opening the door, I would like to look through the door with my scope on my rifle and see life signs.

NICK: Yeah, you’re close enough. You’re able to see life signs through the walls. It looks like there are people on either side of the hallway shooting at each other.

CAMERON: Approximately how many people?

NICK: Probably about eight.

CAMERON: In total?

NICK: In total, like four and four.

CAMERON: Alright.

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks like there’s about eight people with blasters out there. Probably half of them are on Kettle’s side and then the other half is the mystery group.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, really, that means we just have to take care of four other people. We just have to figure out which four.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Alright, I have something that we can do. Alright. We open the door. We throw a grenade in, but not at either side, just at a further side so that it blows up and distracts them. Then we do what I call “congfusion” where we put each other’s hands on the shoulders of the person behind us and do a serpentine conga line while shooting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we can open the door and just shout out and ask who is who out there.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think mine is much more strategic in a physical way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Does anyone have a grenade left?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I have grenades!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well, I don’t… If you just throw a grenade straight out, you’re just gonna hit the wall in front of us and it’s gonna bounce back into the stairwell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… yeah. Alright, get rid of the grenade.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, maybe we can do the conga-ing later…

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Let’s open it up and see what we’re dealing with then. Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I will just ask very politely.

##

LILIT: So, Xianna stands on the opposite side of the door handle and slowly pulls the door towards her so if anyone was to shoot into the door they wouldn’t hit her. And this is a regular door that’s being opened, this isn’t a swooshy door. I realized halfway through that this was not a swooshy door then.

CAMERON: No, all stairwells have push-pull doors. It’s really weird.

HUDSON: It’s actually a curtain.

CAMERON: [laughs] It’s a bead curtain.

LILIT: Well, it’s a safety feature that, you know, the door can’t malfunction.

NICK: Yeah. Sure.

LILIT: And then shouts out:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello? People fighting? Who is who? We don’t know who is fighting each other and we’d like to know which side we need to take.

NICK: The blaster fire is extremely loud in the stairwell now that you’ve opened the door. It’s a constant stream from both sides. One blaster bolt does bounce into the stairwell and ricochets before leaving a burn mark on the far wall, but it doesn’t seem like anyone was shooting in there on purpose. It was just a stray bolt. No one responds to your original question. It seems like they’re a little busy.

LILIT: Xianna shouts even louder.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello?! I just need to know who you are so I can figure out who to shoot! It is in your best interest to tell me, because I’m going to be on somebody’s side! So then I can shoot the other people!

NICK: [grinning] Go ahead and roll me a Charm check to see if anyone pays attention to this Twi’lek-accented voice that is yelling out over the gunfight. This is going to be a hard difficulty with two black dice.

HUDSON: Ooh.

NICK: Because most people in a gunfight aren’t going to identify themselves to strangers, and also, they’re a little busy.

LILIT: I’m gonna remove both of those black dice because I have 2 ranks in Kill With Kindness and I can remove one setback die per rank from all Charm and Leadership checks.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Also, I’m gonna use Congenial. I may suffer a number of strain to down-low the difficulty of a Charm or Negotiation check. So, I’m gonna spend 1 strain, because I have 1 rank in it, so now it’s only two purple. Ha-ha! Take that, Nick.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: This is a collaborative game until I gotta roll dice.

[laughter]

LILIT: One success… [chuckles]

NICK: So, you hear a voice from down the hallway, the side that was shooting that the stray bolt must have gone into your stairwell. You hear a voice say:

NICK (as voice): We’re with Kettle’s crew. Help us take down whoever these invaders are, quick, before Kettle gets really mad.

LILIT: Xianna shouts back out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello! Invaders? Who are you? Do you know us? Who are you working for? I just want to make sure that I am making a fully-informed decision.

NICK: You hear a voice from the other side of the hallway. It sounds gruffer.

NICK (as gruff voice): Reloading. Hurry up or Endo’s gonna have our hides.

NICK: And you see a grenade go flying past the door and towards Kettle’s group.

CAMERON: As soon as the name Endo is said, Karma drops down and takes a knee and starts shooting towards that voice in the hallway.

LILIT: Xianna turns around still holding the door open.

LILIT (as Xianna): It appears that they work for Endo, so I say we shoot that side.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON: [laughs] Karma’s already doing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just in case you didn’t hear that conversation that was shouted in the hallway.

NICK: You’re having that conversation over Karma who’s taking a bead down the hallway, leaning out of the doorway, and I need you all to roll initiative, please.

CAMERON: Karma’s got a success and an advantage.

HUDSON: Two advantages.

LILIT: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Could you roll me a yellow and two greens, please?

CAMERON: A success and two advantages.

NICK: And one more time?

CAMERON: Two successes, three advantages.

NICK: It’s gonna go an NPC group, a PC slot, an NPC group, and then two PC slots.

CAMERON: Which NPC group is the good NPC group, or the lesser bad NPC group?

NICK: That’s something you may need to figure out.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: But the first group up is the defenders, Kettle’s gangsters who have been living and working here. They’re going to shoot over Karma’s shoulder and still towards the pirates who have been attacking. Can you roll me two yellows and a green at average difficulty, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, one threat.

NICK: Nice. The gangsters manage to hit and presumably kill one of the pirates. They drop with a yelp down to the ground and their compatriots continue to shoot over them. We are to a PC slot.

CAMERON: I’mma gonna shoot towards Endo’s group because I’m prepped for it.

NICK: Alright. Make me a roll at average difficulty.

CAMERON: I’m gonna aim. Alright, I have two successes, five advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Wow. How many crits is that?

CAMERON: Just two. Yeah, my gun is Crit 3.

NICK: How much damage is it?

CAMERON: Fifteen.

NICK: You manage to shoot two of them and bring them down with quick firing. What does it look like?

CAMERON: The first shot, Karma can see one of the pirates, like just at the perfect diagonal to not be out in the hallway yet, and takes the first shot at them. Then, she has noticed that the blaster bolts do ricochet, so then does kind of a cool pool move, or billiards move, where she bounces it off the wall to bounce back at one of the other pirates that’s slightly out of her range without getting into the hallway.

NICK: Wait, so you ricochet the bolt and hit them?

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: It’s all about geometry, Nicholas.

NICK: [laughs] Very good. Two of them drop with smoking holes in their chests. Up next is an NPC slot. This is the final remaining pirate that you know is in this hallway. He throws a grenade into the doorway where you all are standing, into the stairwell. I need you to roll me three yellows against average difficulty, please.

LILIT: I mean, if just one of us uses a Dodge…

CAMERON: Yeah, how does Dodge work in this?

NICK: I would say if one of y’all dodges we’ll do it as like someone doing a mom arm and moving all of you, so you can upgrade the difficulty for the group.

CAMERON: I’ll take a strain to mom arm.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: How does Defense work? [laughs] Because I have Defense.

LILIT: Yeah, because I have a Defense.

NICK: You can add a black die for y’all’s Ranged Defense against it as well.

CAMERON: Yay, thank you. Two failures.

NICK: Darn it! Okay. The grenade bounces off the door jam and rolls down the hallway and explodes between the three groups, and no one is hurt. There’s just some smoke in the hallway and a small crater in the floor. We’re up to another PC slot.

HUDSON: Maybe I should just rush them with my axe.

NICK: You could make it. It’s only medium range. It’ll just cost you a strain to do it.

HUDSON: Okay. I’ll do it. Yeah, I’m gonna rush and try to slice them.

NICK: Alright, so spend a strain to do a double maneuver and roll me up that Melee attack.

HUDSON: Four successes, three advantages.

NICK: You manage to kill this guy before he can bring a weapon to bear or before anyone else can really move. How do you take him down?

HUDSON: I charge toward them, holding my axe with both hands, and then I do a cool sideways swipe motion.

NICK: There’s a brief pause where they look down disbelievingly at their torso and then they slide apart into two pieces, and the blaster fire stops. There’s no one to shoot at. It looks like Kettle’s group is waiting to see what happens next. You hear someone call down the hallway.

NICK (as guard): Well, uh… thanks for the help, whoever you are. Who are you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Um… we are business associates of Kettle. We had a meeting with her not too long ago, and we were just, you know… I feel like our business was interrupted by all of this and we would just like to talk to Kettle again, sort this all out.

CAMERON (as Karma): We came to see Experiment 247.

NICK: They holster their blasters and start to walk out from cover. You see people dressed as street toughs. The guy who shouted out, Tink, you get a good look at him. He’s a skinny blonde guy with glasses. He’s Human. He has white skin. He looks at you and goes:

NICK (as Human): Tink?! I haven’t seen you in forever! You remember me? It’s Seelie, Seelie Mox.

HUDSON (as Tink): [confused] Seelie… Yeah! Of course. Of course I do, you…

NICK: He’s your hacker contact from Corellia and a getaway driver from very early on in the series. He works for Kettle.

HUDSON (as Tink): You still, uh, doing what you do?

NICK (as Seelie): I’m kinda getting the impression that you don’t remember me.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No, no, not at all, Seelie. Yeah, we go way back.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Seelie.

NICK (as Seelie): Hi Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you driving out here now?

NICK (as Seelie): Well, Kettle pretty much abandoned operations on Corellia after all that stuff happened, and then some of her other investments fell through, so now we’re here on Mandalore. It’s kind of eccentric, but the pay is still good. Did Kettle hire you? I didn’t know you were here. Normally she has me come pick up our high-profile enforcers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we are doing a specific job for her where we will be recruiting interviewees for a possible position within Kettle’s organization, if you know what I mean.

NICK: I was going to have you roll Deception, but that’s all technically true.

[laughter]

LILIT: There’s literally not a single lie there.

NICK: Seelie scratches at the side of his head with his blaster and then holsters it. He’s not wearing armor or anything, he just has a comfortable button-down shirt and some slacks on.

NICK (as Seelie): Alright. Well, I think I remember you all yelling a second ago that you wanna go see the boss. We were trying to fight our way back to her office now, see if we could provide some support. You wanna run with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. While we’re going, can you tell us what’s going on? Besides the obvious, you know, bombing and fighting. What else is happening?

NICK: The camera swipes to the seven of you jogging down this hallway  heading towards a ramp. There’s a lot of turns. It would have been pretty difficult for you to find your way back to her office quickly, but Seelie knows the way. He’s explaining things as he goes.

NICK (as Seelie): Well, as far as we can know, the attack came out of nowhere. Looks like some sort of smuggler ship came down out of atmosphere and started dropping bombs. It knocked out the defenses and security really quick. It’s like they had someone on the inside. Not really sure how that happened.

But then they dropped… I can only call them boarding parties even though we’re not on a ship, but that’s how they’re fighting. I’m not sure how many of them there are, but they’re making ground pretty quickly. The weird thing is that they’re not really trying to secure the facility. It’s like they’re looking for something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I think they are.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I think they are looking for some specific things, which would make it great if we could talk to Kettle because we have some pertinent information about that.

NICK: You come around a corner and you suddenly recognize where you are. You’re in the hallway that was leading directly to Kettle’s office. There is a group of pirates who are shooting down the hallway into Kettle’s office, and you hear this strange-sounding blaster noise. It kinda sounds like… You know the sound when you smack a slinky underground? But underwater. It’s like a (WHOOSH).

These big green oscillating balls of energy are flying down the hallway slower than a blaster bolt. One of them hits one of the pirates and the pirate gets thrown backwards against the wall, clearly dead. You can hear Kettle yelling from inside her office.

NICK (as Kettle): I already gave you what you wanted. Get out of here!

CAMERON: I am shooting pirates again. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. There’s no need to roll for combat for this. They weren’t expecting you. There’s seven of you. You quickly are able to gun down this group. A couple of them run away and escape, but you have secured the hallway. You hear Kettle from in her office.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright! Who is it? Who’s out there? Roll call.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello Kettle!

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Kettle.

NICK (as Kettle): … What the kriff are you doing? The mythosaur should’ve eaten you.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re helping! We’re here with Seelie.

NICK: Seelie looks at you all kind of nervously.

NICK (as Seelie): Boss…? Uh… I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I thought that they were working for you.

NICK (as Kettle): No, they’re not working for me! Shoot them!

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I thought we were doing the dating show. Is that not working for you?

NICK (as Kettle): You were going to die!

CAMERON (as Karma): Who told you that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, aren’t we all in a metaphorical and literal sense?

NICK (as Kettle): Seelie, I notice you’re not shooting them. Shoot them. Shoot them now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Seelie, come on. Come on, don’t shoot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but Kettle, we know why people are attacking you. Also, we were nice and we didn’t kill your big old mythosaur. We just made it go night-night, so give us some props for that, you know.

NICK: There’s a long pause while Seelie looks really torn, holding his blaster pistol, about what he’s supposed to do.

NICK (as Kettle): Fine. Stand down. I’m coming out.

NICK: And Kettle walks out. She’s holding… it looks like a spotlight with a pistol grip stuck to the end. It’s this big blunderbuss shaped blaster. I don’t know if any of y’all would recognize Geonosian weapons from the Clone Wars, but it’s a traditional Geonosian firearm. She slings it on her back. It’s very heavy-looking for her slight frame. Seelie backs up and you can hear him under his breath say:

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, thank the Force.

NICK (as Kettle): Well I know why they’re here, they wanted the Shattered Force. I threw them out the Heart Breaker Robe figuring they’d leave, but they kept shooting anyway, and I don’t know where it is now.

NICK: You notice she’s not wearing her cape anymore.

LILIT: Xianna puts a hand on the wall and leans on it in support because she’s so tired and now she’s coming down off of impact.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Kettle, so are we or are we not doing the whole dating show thing?

NICK (as Kettle): You’re surprisingly focused for someone who takes as much impact as you do.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just asking, because I already sent out all the messages.

NICK (as Kettle): We can do it later. What part of assembling a universe-controlling set of Force artifacts do you not understand? That’s the priority.

LILIT (as Xianna): I understand that. That’s what Endo is trying to do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who is here, by the way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I mean, that’s who is doing all of this. These are his pirates and he’s trying to get all of them.

NICK (as Kettle): That sleemo. I should have known he would come after me eventually.

LILIT (as Xianna): So I’m assuming he knows that you have more than just one and he’s trying to get all of them.

NICK: A large explosion from somewhere deeper in the facility goes off and Kettle looks worried and then shakes it off.

NICK (as Kettle): Yeah, he’s probably trying to get the Bone Breaker right now. Maybe you can stop him? At this point, I think these are more trouble than they’re worth. I wasn’t really planning to rule the galaxy, I just wanted to carve a little place out, but if it’s gonna get this much heat… I’m gonna be honest, I’m about over it. I got the robes back last time, and feeding you to my mythosaur I think cancels the IOU, so I guess we’re on even ground again… somehow.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know it’s weird that it keeps happening. Is the Bone Breaker that way?

CAMERON: Karma points towards where the explosion just occurred.

NICK: She nods slowly. Seelie and the other gangsters look really worried but don’t say anything.

CAMERON (as Karma): What else is over there? Do you have any other ancient extinct creatures running around this facility or was it just the mythosaur?

NICK: She looks thoughtful.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, next to the vault I did have a flock of stathas, but they’re not that dangerous and I’m sure they’re still contained. The security hasn’t completely failed, so there’s nothing to worry about there.

LILIT: Xianna shrugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, hopefully.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so let’s do it like this. You said we’re on even terms, right?

NICK (as Kettle): I’m as surprised as you are.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you give us the two artifacts for us to keep, and you don’t come after them anymore, I will personally officiate your wedding after we find you your one true love.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whoa, whoa, whoa.

LILIT: Xianna holds up a hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay Tink, that’s a real sweet offer…

LILIT (as Xianna): We are not necessarily finding like a spouse, we are finding a date, and if it happens to be a perfect match and they fall madly in love then maybe, but mostly this is just going to be, you know, a fun date.

HUDSON (as Tink): I will be—

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, she said she already give them the Heart Breaker Robe and then the Bone Breaker’s over there by that explosion that we need to be running towards now, so I don’t think that she’s really negotiating for them as a trade right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, but she can help us get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Seelie, do you mind directing us down towards the vault?

NICK: Seelie nods and very effectively gives you a short list of directions. You are very confident you could go straight there without getting lost.

NICK (as Seelie): I’d go with you, but I really need to stay with Kettle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, you stay here. Stay safe.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay. Kettle, we’ll stay with you, ma’am.

NICK: Kettle nods in an authoritative manner. She’s already pulled a data pad off of a pouch and is entering things, and you can see the power grid of the building fluctuating as she’s trying to bring security back up to mount a defense.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, if you’re gonna go, go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Come on.

CAMERON: Karma takes off running, following Seelie’s instructions.

LILIT: Xianna starts running but then stops and turns around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait-wait-wait, very important. Tink, you are going to have to message Web-Web because I don’t know them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can message Web-Web, no problem. We’re connected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay cool, because I’ve messaged Mills and Val, so we just need to take care of Web-Web.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait.

HUDSON: I try to whisper under my breath toward Xianna so that Kettle and Seelie can’t hear.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whispering] What about Seelie?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we already picked the three. We don’t need anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay. Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, we should go now, Tink.

NICK: Seelie is blushing furiously and Kettle looks murderously angry like they had overheard that statement. You run off down the hallway. You’re able to quickly get there. The end of this hallway at the end of Seelie’s directions is a massive durasteel safe door and it’s been blown inward as though by some sort of large explosion. The inside is filled with smoke.

CAMERON: Do I see any life signs or heat signatures?

NICK: Dang, that’s a useful piece of equipment.

CAMERON: Ain’t it? [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, you see five heat signatures, but they don’t appear to be humanoid, and they’re standing in the cover of the smoke as though laying an ambush.

CAMERON: Are they weird lizard shapes?

NICK: You can’t really tell, but they’re a lot lower to the ground.

LILIT: What if somebody was to have scanner goggles that can see in obscured conditions?

NICK: Can you see through smoke?

LILIT: Obscured conditions!

[laughter]

NICK: Okay. Between the two of you, with the scanner goggles and the heat-sensitive scope, you can see that there are some sort of animals inside that appear to be in a hunting formation.

HUDSON: I feel left out so I pull out my scanner that scans for other scanners.

NICK: There are a lot of scanners around.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: Also, it can sometimes detect life signs, and there appear to be five life signs inside the safe.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so the safe seems to have maybe animals inside of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup…

CAMERON: What size would you put the animals at, Nicholas?

LILIT: A small boulder? A large boulder? A large boulder the size of a large boulder?

NICK: Yeah. As you’re wondering what to do, these things walk out of the cover of the smoke having heard your voices. They’re lizards, maybe 15-20% bigger than a humanoid. They stand about 1.8 meters tall. They’ve got long tails behind them, wide clawed feet on their hind legs that they stand on with smaller front legs with smaller claws, and large toothy maws with lots of teeth dripping venom.

LILIT: Xianna is already opening up pockets furiously and just with the precision that only comes with someone who has done this before starts unwrapping bantha cakes at lightning speed and just rolling them out.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Handfuls of pocket spaghetti are getting tossed in front here. There’s a Pop-Tart, a carton of instant noodles. No water, but there’s instant noodles. There’s hard candy, caramels, all sorts of delicious treats and a whole bag of loth-rat treats. Whatever Greenies are in Star Wars for loth-rats, there’s a bag of those, and Xianna is just throwing it all out in different directions.

NICK: So, these five have brownish pebbled scales and sharp yellow eyes that pierce through the smoke, and they start to walk forward. One of them leans down and puts its head near a bantha cake and sniffs before daintily picking it up in its razor-sharp teeth and swallowing it down its gullet with a snap.

You see a door on the other side of the hallway—it’s just a simple durasteel door with a lever handle—and the handle starts to flap, and then the door slowly creeks open and another one of these stathas creatures steps out and it’s got bluish scales whereas the other ones are brown. It looks at you and knocks one out of the way and they all begin to eat greedily. They are tearing through these snacks very quickly.

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Okay, everybody run!

CAMERON (as Karma): [hushed] We gotta go.

HUDSON: I start running.

CAMERON: Take off running into the safe. [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna’s running and still pulling out handfuls of spaghetti, throwing them behind her.

NICK: So are you running away or running into the safe?

LILIT: I think at this point into the safe because they’re all out of the safe now, so we’re like running around them to get into the safe.

NICK: Okay. So, you’ve thrown food to lure them further away towards the door. These six stathas are eating quickly and fighting amongst themselves for the best treats. The spaghetti is particularly popular. You’re able to run around them very quickly and get into the safe.

The inside has been ransacked. The explosion obviously damaged a lot of the credits that were in here. Xianna, you notice the particular colorful charring of glitterstim when it’s been burned smashed up against one of the walls. You can see a beautiful decorative rack made out of gold and jewels. They don’t look real, but it looks very pretty. It looks like it might have held a post or a long pole at some point. There’s nothing to be seen as far as the Bone Breaker, as though it’s already been stolen.

CAMERON (as Karma): Damn.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, uh… we get out of here?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, free credits, so…

NICK: Most of them have been exploded.

LILIT: Oh.

NICK: If you want to try to scoop some off the ground and find non-damaged ones, there are non-damaged ones, it’ll just take a little while.

LILIT: No.

CAMERON: Looking around the safe, does it look like they entered the safe and then left the safe through just like the door?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: It’s a safe. There aren’t other exits or vents or anything.

CAMERON: I didn’t know if they created a new skylight. I don’t know.

NICK: Yeah, they might have.

CAMERON: It would have been cool.

NICK: But in this case, no. They just blew the front door in, got what they wanted and left.

CAMERON: Alrighty.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s skedaddle, y’all.

NICK: As you turn to leave, the six stathas are arrayed in a semicircle in front of the door, the blue one slightly ahead of the others, sniffing and walking towards Xianna with their eyes on Xianna’s pockets. Flip me a dark side point.

HUDSON: Oof.

NICK: Xianna, you’re completely out of snacks.

LILIT: Xianna turns to everyone.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, I am completely out of snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Bad time for that.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a bad time for that. Do you think they’ll understand if I explain to them that I’m out of snacks?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really.

HUDSON: I ask if they speak English.

NICK: One of them makes a trilling roar at you and they continue to advance.

CAMERON: So, at this point, since they’re kind of approaching us in this semicircle and kind of boxing us in… Karma doesn’t really wanna kill any more cool creatures, even though we didn’t kill the mythosaur. She sets her gun to stun and then starts backing away slowly with her hands out, with palms up facing all of the big lizards, and starts making calming, talking to a scared dog or cat noises.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi… Hey. How are y’all doing? We don’t have any more snacks. Xianna’s very sorry. But if you let us go this way…

CAMERON: And starts going to the side while keeping the hands out.

CAMERON (as Karma): …we can go get you more snacks.

NICK: As you edge towards the outside perimeter of this circle that they’ve made, the one on the far end snaps at you and you jump back a little. Go ahead and make me a Survival check at hard difficulty to—

HUDSON: Survive.

NICK: —lizard whisper your way through this situation.

CAMERON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: Also important to note that as a backup plan Xianna is currently putting a handful of the destroyed credits into the pockets, specifically pockets that housed spaghetti so that these credits will smell like spaghetti. This is a backup that will happen after this Survival roll.

HUDSON: I think there’s some kind of capitalist metaphor here. [chuckles]

CAMERON: A triumph and a threat.

NICK: So no success?

CAMERON: No. [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so you don’t succeed in calming the beasts or getting around them, but something awesome happens. What is the something awesome? It can be a collaborative thing since Xianna is making spaghetti credits currently. How do you all at least get to the other side of the stathas without getting attacked?

CAMERON: Kettle is actually a prepper and within the safe are large stacks of baked beans and Spaghetti-O’s, and they are in the side behind all of the stathas, and they have a delayed explosion, and now there’s a bunch of yummy noodles and beans over there.

NICK: That’s what you wanna go with?

CAMERON: Uh-huh. [laughs]

NICK: Okay. Yeah. So, these venomous, terrifying lizard hunters smell exploded baked beans, and it’s also the delayed explosion surprises them, and they jump past the three of you to attack the wall and to fight over the food. You have a clear avenue of escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): [shakily] Run.

HUDSON: I run backwards and make a clicking sound like when you do to a cat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Don’t attract them! Tink!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, stop it! That’s gonna make them come to us!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, that’s what you do when you don’t want something around.

CAMERON (as Karma): No it is not!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that is the opposite!

NICK: One of the stathas looks up and takes a few hesitating steps towards Tink with its head cocked.

LILIT: When that happens, Xianna takes the spaghetti credits out of her pockets and throws them onto the other side of the stathas so that it smells spaghetti and looks that way.

NICK: It gobbles them up immediately and then looks confused and makes a choking noise and then spits up credits, and it bounces off another stathas and they start to tussle, and you are able to run back down this hallway very quickly, seemingly safe from these terrifying predators. Are you trying to leave the facility now that you’ve discovered that the Shattered Force is gone or are there other things that you wanna do here?

HUDSON: We could pay Kettle one more visit. Why not?

LILIT: For what?

CAMERON: Because we’re gonna piss her off.

HUDSON: Just to fuck around. We don’t have shit.

[laughter]

CAMERON: I think we’re trying to find an exit door.

NICK: So, we get a montage of you all running through these smoky hallways. There are still some pirates shooting at gangsters. You have to duck to avoid some conflict, but even though this place is pretty labyrinthine you’re able to exit.

As you get back out into the sunlight, you look up and you see a large freighter with beveled edges with stealth technology, Endo’s ship, pull up and start to fly back away into the atmosphere. You can see that it has several fighters flying, flanking it, as it goes. Endo brought basically an armada here to claim these items. But, they’ve left and they got what they wanted.

The fences around the facility have been mostly destroyed or blown up so you’re able to walk back out. Are you heading back towards Mills?

HUDSON: Yeah, and what time is it? Because I think there was like a cut-off, wasn’t there?

CAMERON: We had 24 hours.

NICK: Yeah, y’all have been inside for about four hours at the most. You are well below your 18 hour time limit which means Tink’s gonna win this bet. I don’t remember what y’all bet, but…

LILIT: Movie night.

NICK: Oh yeah. As you’re headed back towards Mills, you see a plume of smoke behind the tree and the low rise that he had parked behind.

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically] Guess who’s back, back, back. We’re back!

NICK: You step over the rise and Mills is battered but looks okay. His speeder has been shattered into several pieces and looks like it’s burned all the way through. It’s completely totaled. Balthazar is whining and pawing at Mills who looks like he’s splinted his leg with a piece of tree and has been sitting on the ground. He’s looking at the data pad with the timer that says four hours on it—it just ticked up to four hours—and you are back together.

NICK (as Mills): Well, that was a lot more exciting than I was expecting. You make some new friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): No kidding. We fought a mythosaur. That’s how our day’s been going.

HUDSON (as Tink): They are real!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah-ah. Kettle genetically engineered it. I mean, who are we to say that was a real mythosaur and not just some other creature that she called a mythosaur?

NICK (as Mills): Look. I know a lot of stuff went on, and you all are some pretty tough customers, but there’s no need to make up stories.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, look, look.

CAMERON: Karma starts showing pictures that she has of Tink standing next to the mythosaur.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Mills, did you not get my com messages?

LILIT: Because all of the com messages that Xianna sent out to Mills and Val are photos of her with the mythosaur in poses that just has the text on top of it that’s been put on in the messenger editing app that just says, like, I have someone who wants to go on a date with you. Yes, no, question mark?

NICK: Mills closes the timer on his data pad and you can see there’s like ten notifications.

NICK (as Mills): Huh. I was a little busy being strafed by fights, but uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I was a little busy trying to kill a mythosaur and I still had time for this.

NICK: He opens it up.

NICK (as Mills): Date? We’ll talk about that later. We’ll have time, I think. But wow, you fought a mythosaur. That’s pretty impressive. Did you find whatever you were looking for? There’s a reason we weren’t supposed to come here, I’m realizing. This place is super dangerous.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Unfortunately, the group with the fighters found the things that we were looking for.

NICK (as Mills): Aw, that kriffin’ sucks.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. Your speeder don’t look too good.

NICK (as Mills): No, it sure doesn’t. Getting out of here is gonna be rough. We’re probably gonna have to hoof it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, do you think that we can go back and steal a speeder?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like it would be better just to ask to borrow one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will ask to borrow a speeder.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re on even terms with Kettle right now. Let’s not piss her off.

NICK: You walk up the rise and you can see the various facilities, and the one that looks like the motor pool is clearly exploded. All the vehicles have been blown up. They may have something smaller, but you’re not gonna get an easy lift out of here because they have their own problems.

CAMERON: Dang.

HUDSON: Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): We really need to get an autopilot on the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, wait, wait. Creamsicle is still on the ship. If we can get Creamsicle to answer a com message, maybe we can walk her through piloting the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I do not feel confident about that plan.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are delirious.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): You haven’t slept in a while, have you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I wasn’t saying it was a good idea, I was just saying that maybe we could try. I don’t want to have to walk for four days to get back!

NICK: As Xianna’s talking, she’s like listing to one side and swaying quite a bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do realize it took like two days on speeder to get out here? It’s gonna take like a week to walk back. That is going to be horrible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. We don’t need a week. We don’t have a week. Let’s go to Kettle, two birds, one stone. We try to find a speeder and we introduce Mills to Kettle.

LILIT (as Xianna): The point is going to be that they are all anonymous in this dating show and she won’t know who is who so she can’t influence her first opinions on that. You know?

HUDSON (as Tink): We all know that those shows are fixed.

LILIT (as Xianna): A little secret date. This one won’t be because we are running it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I still think we should go see Kettle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mills, can you walk, buddy?

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, slowly.

NICK: He stands painfully to his feet and starts to limp.

NICK (as Mills): So where are we going? Are we gonna go deal with your dangerous gangster and try to get a speeder or try and walk out of here? Both of those sound like a pretty bad idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I have no more food, so unless anyone else has food and water we will just die on the walk back anyways.

NICK (as Mills): I know where the watering holes are and Balthazar can help us find some prey. I think it’ll be difficult, but we could make it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know…

NICK (as Mills): But, if we can get a speeder—I don’t look forward to walking all the way out of here on my leg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I think I’d rather just try to ask Kettle if she has a speeder than walk for like five fucking days.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. If this was theoretically in an audio format, how many episodes would cover five-to-seven days of walking through a desert? That sounds very unenjoyable for the prospective audience of such an audio show.

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm…

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go visit Kettle! I’m gonna do that thing that y’all usually do where just a decision is made and you start walking and I follow, but this time I’ll lead.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You lead. We will follow.

NICK: So you walk slowly back. Do you have Mills wait or do you bring Mills and Balthazar with you?

LILIT: We bring Mills, yeah.

CAMERON: Oh, we’re bringing them with us.

NICK: Okay. Mills is walking slow. Balthazar looks concerned. As you get back into the camp, some of the gangsters are doing damage control, trying to put out fires, see who’s dead and who isn’t. Balthazar growls at all of them and they give you a wide distance.

Kettle has set up sort of a financial triage station. It’s separate from the medical first aid areas where they’re trying to help each other. She’s taking runners and coms calls about what’s damaged and what needs to be fixed. There’s like a pavilion with a folding chair that she’s sitting in with a data pad in front of her, taking notes. She looks up and says:

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I thought for sure you were gone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Your stathas are definitely out of their enclosure.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh yeah, I know. We’ve had to seal the bottom levels of the facility. There were some people down there, and… they’re not anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hope it was okay to feed them some spaghetti and bantha cakes, but that’s kind of really how we got away, so…

NICK (as Kettle): Well it’s not good for them, but my primary plan right now is to pump the basement with nerve gas to take them out, so I don’t think it matters too much long-term. I’m still open to suggestions, though, if you wanna go down there and try to restrain them so we can put them back in their containment unit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would that be worth a speeder ride back to the city from you?

NICK (as Kettle): No, absolutely not.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, then no, I’m not interested.

NICK (as Kettle): Wait. Speeder…? What? How did you all get out here in the first place?

LILIT & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): A speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): So just take that one back. I don’t see what the big deal is. Look, I have a lot going on and I’ve just decided that I don’t want to kill you, and that takes a while for that idea to settle in, so maybe it would be best if we didn’t see each other for a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, and I understand that, but our speeder got blown up.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, that’s really unfortunate for you.

NICK: And she smiles real big.

LILIT (as Xianna): So if you don’t want to see us… giving us a speeder would be the fastest way to solve that, because then we would be gone and we wouldn’t have to talk to you anymore.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, it looks like my motor pool has been destroyed. Most of the vehicles are gone. But I might have one left.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait! Wait. Kettle, Kettle, Kettle. Before you go forward, are you, Kettle, ready for… [makes enthusiastic energetic gameshow music]

CAMERON (as Karma): What is he doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink? Tink!

NICK: Mills and Kettle are staring at him, open-mouthed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Your first contestant on your dating show!

LILIT (as Xianna): No! We were going to do that at once. We were gonna get production value!

HUDSON (as Tink): But we brought him already!

LILIT (as Xianna): We were going to rent a sound stage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, can you pretend to not know someone if we do this in the future?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I pretend not to know people all the time.

HUDSON (as Tink): There you go.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess fine, maybe we won’t do the whole secret date thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, your Contestant #1 is Mills LastNameUnknown!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I promise he cleans up better. He just like, you know, got in a fight and got his speeder blown up.

NICK: Mills is leaning against the wall of a building nearby with his leg, which has been roughly bandaged and splinted, propped on a rock. He’s covered in dirt and dust and blood, and he hocks a gross spit and spits it off to the side.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, uh… I’m Mills. I have no idea what’s going on.

NICK: Kettle looks sort of nonplussed.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, I wasn’t expecting a lot, but you managed to disappoint me anyway.

LILIT (as Xianna): To be fair, this is like the worst contestant, and it’s mostly just because he was already here.

NICK (as Mills): Hey! That’s kinda kriffed up. You’re gonna say that right in front of me?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes Mills, I am.

NICK (as Mills): Whatever. Look, uh… lady. Kettle. I’m just trying to get back to where we started. My speeder’s gone, I pretty much lost my employment, hoping to get off planet. Can we get a lift?

NICK (as Kettle): Well, maybe he does clean up, but I’ve got more things on my mind. Maybe bring him back with some other candidates later.

NICK: And she shakes her head.

NICK (as Kettle): [gritted] I can’t believe I’m taking this dating idea seriously. This is—

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, Kettle, Kettle! First question. If you could steal a smooch from anyone in the galaxy, who would it be?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t have to answer that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it has not started yet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, you know, you can say a lot of things about us, but boring is not something that can be used to describe us.

NICK (as Kettle): That’s very true. That’s extremely true. But, here’s the deal. My personal speeder is still operational. I might be willing to spare it. I’ll send a driver with you, because honestly we need some supplies to start rebuilding. But it’s gonna cost you.

HUDSON (as Tink): What will it cost?

CAMERON (as Karma): How much supplies are you needing?

NICK: [chuckling] Kettle looks around at the exploded facility.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I don’t know how many people you have on-base that you need to supply for. Obviously shit’s gone wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, do you need a bunch of popsicles?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that’s the priority, probably.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just asking. We have a bunch on the ship.

NICK (as Kettle): Look, we’re good on food and water, we have a well and we had reserves. The safe had a lot of extra food in it because I’m kind of a prepper. So, we should be good on food for now, but I need rebuilding materials. We need to fortify this place before the wildlife finds us. But I can deal with that. What I would want from you is a favor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait, if you need building materials, we have a guy.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh? Do you really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Wait, we do?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yeah! Because his main job is digging and filling holes, but that would mean he would have a whole bunch of building materials for you to use, and concrete and stuff.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, maybe, but this is gonna be a pretty rushed job. Leave his contact info with Seelie and we’ll—

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You know, he does rush jobs, and I’m pretty sure he gives Tink the family and friends discount.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Yeah he does.

LILIT (as Xianna): So name-drop Tink.

NICK (as Kettle): Maybe we’ll look into that when we’re bidding out repairs. The primary goal is the fence, though. You can go with Seelie. He’s gonna head back to town, collect the basics. But…

NICK: And Kettle looks at her data pad. She presses a button and y’all’s coms all beep, and she nods.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay, I have a way to contact you now. I’ll be reaching out. There’s a job I’m gonna need from you at some point. I’ve given up on the Shattered Force, but I have some other plans. So, look forward to that call.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, the reason I was asking how much supplies you needed is because I don’t know how big your speeder is but I don’t know how much… You’ve got a lot of fence here and I don’t know if you could fit all of that in the speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): No, probably not.

CAMERON (as Karma): We have a ship. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, we have a big old party ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can come—Once we get back to the city, we can bring stuff back out here with much less trips than it’s gonna take Seelie in a speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): I’m not particularly worried about that. I was gonna have him hire a freighter to come out here. If you’re offering that, I’ll downgrade the difficulty of the job I’ll have you do eventually, but either way you’re making sort of a deal with the devil here. In exchange, I’m gonna have you do something unsavory, just being honest.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you need literal gallons of hot tub water from our ship?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

LILIT (as Xianna): No! We are using the hot tub water. She can have the popsicles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would you offer that?

LILIT (as Xianna): The popsicles? Because we have so many and Tink is not eating them fast enough.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, not the popsicles, the hot tub water.

HUDSON (as Tink): Some people value the hot tub water.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Gross.

HUDSON (as Tink): It can be valuable depending on a number of factors.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Kettle): So that’s the deal. You agree for a job. You agree to doing a job for me at a later date unspecified. Help Seelie to carry back supplies in your ship, which I know has the space. Good idea, Karma.

NICK: She points at you, Karma.

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns.

NICK (as Kettle): We’ll give you a ride back to the capital and in exchange… I’ll reach out about a job later. Do we have a deal?

NICK: She holds out a scarred hand to shake.

CAMERON: Karma shakes it.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright. Seelie, prep my personal speeder.

NICK: She’s talking into a com link. A couple minutes later a long shiny black speeder with a really extended engine compartment and a closed-in seating area that probably seats 10 or 12 people—it’s like a limousine—comes skidding around the corner, and a window rolls down, and you can see Seelie behind the wheel with driving gloves on.

NICK (as Seelie): Alright! Time for a drive!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, shotgun!

NICK: You all pile into the speeder, and Mills and Balthazar jump in as well.

CAMERON: We set down a blanket in the seats first so that Balthazar doesn’t mess up the upholstery.

NICK: Oh, that’s very considerate of you.

CAMERON: [laughing] We don’t want to piss her off more.

NICK: Probably not. Right before you pull away, the window to the passenger compartment rolls down and Kettle leans in.

NICK (as Kettle): But so you know, if you don’t answer my call and do that job when I need you to, I’ll put out a bounty for you so big that everyone in the galaxy is trying to kill you. It would be best to do what I need.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah-yeah, Kettle. Do you think this is the first time I’ve ever accepted some sketchy IOU from a mob boss? I know how this works.

NICK (as Kettle): You literally accepted a sketchy IOU from me in the past, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I know. Again, I know how this works.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m still a little unsure, but I’m just gonna go with the flow.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the IOU was that you owed me.

NICK: Kettle rolls her eyes and steps back. She slaps her hand on the roof of the speeder and Seelie rolls up the windows.

NICK (as Seelie): You’re gonna wanna hang onto something.

NICK: And he guns it and smashes through one of the last standing pieces of fence and goes tearing off across the grasslands back towards the capital of Mandalore, and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.