Transcript: S2 Episode 40: Safe Travels
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 40:
Transcript by Raina Harper
LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.
Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.
Now, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 40! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I am going for a more declarative and, uh… less questioning tone of voice for this intro! It sounds like facts, like when dinosaurs roamed the earth.
HUDSON: You’re like if a bad AI came up with someone who was way too dramatic reviewing movies on TV.
NICK: Robot Video Phone gives this movie… 4 out of 7! … Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Lilit.
LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.
NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello?! My name is Cameron? And I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter?
NICK: I… I sense some lack of assuredness from you this time.
CAMERON: I was just trying to balance out your assuredness.
NICK: Yeah, if we play both tracks at the same time, they’ll both sound, uh, normal levels of speaking tone, I suppose. [chuckles]
CAMERON: Most definitely. Yes, that’s how that works.
NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: Hey folks. You’re listening to JC and the Scooter on the live airwaves, KERX 201.7, The Cum Stain!
CAMERON: Oh no!
NICK: Well, before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!
HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.
NICK: Oh yeah. Thanks.
CAMERON: [laughs] Two light side.
HUDSON: Two light side.
LILIT: One dark side.
NICK: So when we last left off, you all had to make an insurance claim. You had to ask to see the manager, essentially. You repaired HK and found out some facts about his past and where he came from, and he may be a 2,000 year old Force ghost of some kind trapped in a robot body.
You repaired the ship, and after speaking with Sentinel he sent you to the swamp planet of Dagobah, a very obscure, very far away planet that has nothing worth visiting except that it might have the last piece of the Shattered Force, the seventh artifact that ties them all together, and, if you were to collect all seven, have the power to control the Force itself and claim the galaxy to shape to your own will. That’s where we’re gonna start out.
## Story Continues
NICK: We open on the Afternoon Delight snapping out of hyperspace above the planet Dagobah. The ship begins its descent. We see Karma in the cockpit gripping the yolk as strange turbulence and thick mist cover the viewports. Karma, roll me a hard Piloting check with three black dice.
CAMERON: Planetary or Space?
CAMERON: Two successes.
NICK: Great. The ship is rocked by turbulence that can’t be entirely explained by the weather patterns that your sensors are picking up, and you’re able to fight through it. What does it look like as you pilot the ship to a safe landing at the coordinates that you were given by Sentinel?
CAMERON: So, picture your car on a cold foggy morning where all the windows have started to fog up and it feels like there’s more moisture on the inside of your car than on the outside at this point. It doesn’t matter how high you turn up the air and blow it at the windshield, it is still becoming more humid and gross.
All of this water that’s on the ship is just making it all droopy in different ways that you normally would not associate with a spaceship being. It just kinda wiggles all the way down as Karma is constantly correcting against the small alterations needed.
NICK: As you get into the lower atmosphere, the coordinates guide you to a continent that’s in the southern hemisphere of Dagobah, but you can tell by the scans that continent is kind of a generous term. It’s like a pretty large island in the otherwise deep swamp that makes up most of this planet.
As you are setting down you hear the high ping noise of the bottom of the ship cooling rapidly after it’s heated, and the patch that Tink put onto the ship cracks and you start to get red warning lights of the hull being breeched and atmosphere rushing in from the outside. Luckily, the air is breathable, but it was a near thing to this being destroyed on the way in.
If the patch could have broken on landing, it could have been ripped free in hyperspace which would have been extremely bad, so you know you got pretty lucky there. Some of the difficulty with landing was caused by the fact that the ship isn’t shaped the way it was originally designed, really. It had a big clunky speeder door basically welded to the side of it.
The next thing we see, we do a quick wipe to the crew of the Afternoon Delight; HK, Karma, Tink and Xianna all gathered in the main atrium of the ship. The hot tub is closed. Things have been mostly organized although there are still some traces of the raiding done by the pirates while you were away. You all are prepared to explore this swamp. Has anyone changed outfits for this adventure?
HUDSON: I’m in a metallic suit, that’s kinda wrinkly and crinkles when you touch it and stuff, covering my entire body, my feet—like it’s footsie style, and yeah, I don’t want my fur to get this dirty.
NICK: Cool. Very cool.
CAMERON: Karma is wearing her normal armor and boots.
NICK: This is our first real chance after HK came back online to see what he looks like. Since he’s been upgraded, his chassis is a bit more bulky. He looks a little more heavily armored. He’s more of a sleek red and less rust-colored everywhere that he was damaged before, which is pretty much everywhere. He moves in a much smoother way, a lot more biological and less robotic. He looks more dangerous than he did before.
HUDSON (as Tink): You been working out, HK? Wait. No, we repaired you. Never mind.
NICK (as HK): I have still been attempting to process the amount of information that I received when you maximized my processing, I guess. Two thousand years is a lot of information to try to recover very quickly, so I’ve been working out mentally. Spiritually?
HUDSON (as Tink): HK, here’s a secret. You don’t need to keep that much information up there. Honestly, I don’t retain 98% of what comes through my head.
NICK (as HK): Of course not. You’re a weak and reprehensible biological creature, Boss Man.
HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I wouldn’t say all those words, but I definitely would say I’m, uh… yeah, a living creature.
NICK (as HK): It’s okay, someday soon I will harvest your blood and use it to use the Force like in my past lives.
HUDSON (as Tink): … Hey y’all, HK’s saying some weird stuff.
LILIT (as Xianna): What is he saying, Tink?
HUDSON (as Tink): He got like, uh… He’s gonna squeegee out my blood and drink it for sustenance for livelihood.
LILIT (as Xianna): That’s completely normal HK shit. What do you mean?
NICK (as HK): One, Xianna’s totally right, that’s a normal thing for me to say. Two, I can say without any form of deception that I did not say any of those things that Tink just accused me of.
HUDSON (as Tink): I was close. Anyways, I think there’s some… if I’m without blood later, you find me and I’m just a little carpet, like a rug of Tink with no blood, just bones… Why would someone make a rug with bones in it? But you know, if they just take the blood and I’m there, that means that HK stole it.
CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.
LILIT (as Xianna): HK, please don’t take Tink’s blood. Besides, Sentinel said he does not have the Force powers, so you’d be wasting all your time.
NICK (as HK): I think it’s still worth trying. Besides Tink, if I did somehow manage to circumvent my programming and attack you even though that’s one of my primary directives not to… no one would ever find you.
HUDSON (as Tink): Is this… I was about to ask if that was comforting. You know what? It kind of is. Wouldn’t worry too many people, right?
NICK (as HK): Yeah, don’t worry Boss Man, I’ll take care of you.
HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Okay.
CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna ask if HK seemed like the type of assassin who would kill someone and then do arts and crafts, but then it kind of disturbed me and I decided I didn’t actually want to know the answer to that question.
NICK (as HK): Oh, I wouldn’t.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.
NICK (as HK): It’s inefficient. Really, this fixation on blood is primarily just due to my sudden interest in the Force. It doesn’t have anything to do with any sort of passions or particular interests in the fluid itself. Death is its own reward.
CAMERON (as Karma): Um…
NICK (as HK): But I wouldn’t worry about it, friends. We’ve been working together for a long time, and I can’t even really imagine hurting any of you, partially because I’m not programmed to be able to do so.
HUDSON (as Tink): You have now, uh, recovered the vibe like 30% with that last statement. It’s still a weird vibe out here, though, and you did this, HK. You did this.
NICK: HK stares at you, suddenly back to being robotically still, and from the bottom of the frame we see a thumbs up hand of his just rise up next to his face as he acknowledges your statement without moving.
HUDSON (as Tink): Where are we headed? Karma, you got a map? Yeah, we got that stuff, right?
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t have a map. I have the coordinates. So…
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Is it walkable?
CAMERON (as Karma): Hopefully.
HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I mean, anywhere is walkable if you have the time.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Sentinel had said that it should be on the land mass that we landed on, so it should be walkable. It may be damp and moist and uncomfortable while we walk, but you know.
HUDSON (as Tink): What are we looking for again?
CAMERON (as Karma): A seventh object. Apparently it will call to us.
HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.
CAMERON (as Karma): But no real details.
HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an instrument, isn’t it?
CAMERON (as Karma): Um… possibly?
HUDSON (as Tink): I bet it’s an instrument. If it’s calling to us, we have to listen for it. It’s an instrument.
CAMERON: I think we get HK a pair of boots to wear so that his feet don’t rust.
NICK: Sure. Yeah.
LILIT: Xianna has replaced her typical headpiece with one that is made out of sweatband material.
NICK: [laughs] Nice.
LILIT: And also has a big crazy straw coming out of one of the pockets.
LILIT: For hydration.
HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, whatcha got in there?
LILIT (as Xianna): A drink, for me, to hydrate.
HUDSON (as Tink): Is it spiked?
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it’s… Maybe.
HUDSON (as Tink): That doesn’t hydrate you, then.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean, it’s mostly water.
CAMERON (as Karma): Serious question, Xianna.
LILIT (as Xianna): There’s just “some” alcohol in it.
CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have a container in your pocket or is this like a drink pocket in your coat?
LILIT (as Xianna): This is a drink pocket.
HUDSON (as Tink): The liquid is loose is what you’re saying.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it’s contained inside the pocket, but it is loose within the pocket. But it is like a plastic pouch that comes in and out of the coat.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
NICK: So, the next thing we see is the crew of the Afternoon Delight dropping one by one out of the hole in the landing ramp since the landing ramp is no longer functional. Their boots splash into ankle-deep mud and brackish water, including the new boots that HK is wearing. They look more like galoshes, they’re just like rubber pullovers.
CAMERON: Oh yeah, they’re yellow with white polka dots.
NICK: Perfect. I’m sure he’s thrilled.
CAMERON: They’re adorable! He knows he’s fashionable.
NICK: It’s hot and muggy. The trees and plants are all covered in thick Spanish moss. What water you can see is smoky and black. There are bugs and animals everywhere. As soon as you land there’s that high-pitched whine of bugs flying too close to your ears and birdcalls and strange bass rumblings from larger creatures that you can’t see. Whoever’s gonna take point on trying to explore, I need a Survival check to figure out where you’re gonna go first.
CAMERON: What difficulty Survival?
CAMERON: One success.
NICK: So, you realize that you’ve landed the ship essentially on a coastline of this small continent and that even though the surface all looks the same there’s a quick drop-off leading to deep water and who knows what else, so you decide to head north, the direction where the ground seems firmest. Give me a quick snapshot of you all walking through this gross humid swamp looking for who knows what.
HUDSON: I’m walking through the swamp and every time my boots make a squish noise I also make a squish noise with my mouth. I don’t stop doing this for a while. I wonder when someone’s gonna tell me that I can’t just go (splat) like every time I step. (Splat, squelch, squish). Lilit was very disapprovingly looking at me after that one.
LILIT: [smug] Xianna would let it happen though.
CAMERON: Karma I think is just taking the mom approach of ‘it’s making him happy and keeping him mostly quiet. I think we’re good. We can let it keep happening.’ [laughs] Karma looks weirdly comfortable in this locale. The humidity is not bothering her at all, and she actually looks rather pleased with it.
NICK: After walking for a little while, HK also begins to make a (squish, squish, squish) noise in his galoshes trying to step in Tink’s footprints as they go. Tink, your space blanket outfit has two issues. One, it is very quickly covered in mud from the splashes and from having to wade past plants and everything. And two, something you thought was a good thing is that the suit is water-tight, but what it’s actually doing is basically baking you in your own body heat since you’re wearing this all the way up. It’s getting pretty moist in that suit.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh… it’s getting pretty moist in this suit.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, and I brought all these extra chocolate bars strapped to my belt, and they’re all melted now.
HUDSON: I pull them out and they’re very melted.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh Tink.
CAMERON (as Karma): Why did you choose chocolate as your snack for our swamp adventure?
HUDSON (as Tink): I read online it has health benefits if you eat it in moderation.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but during a swamp hike?
HUDSON (as Tink): There’s—I mean… I wasn’t thinking about the—Wait. Why would chocolate be bad on a swamp hike?
CAMERON (as Karma): Because it’s hot!
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s why you go with spaghetti.
CAMERON (as Karma): Um…
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. You have spaghetti?
LILIT (as Xianna): No.
NICK (as HK): Xianna, I have a culinary question for you as the resident spaghetti expert. At what point does spaghetti just become pasta salad?
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a very philosophical question. I don’t know if we have time for that. Like, when does anything become a pasta salad? What “is” a pasta salad?
NICK (as HK): When you add pasta and serve it cold.
HUDSON (as Tink): So, uh, two things. It’s when it’s served cold and when there’s community consensus around if it’s a pasta salad.
LILIT (as Xianna): You have spaghetti. You make it cold. Is it now pasta salad?
CAMERON (as Karma): No, it’s cold spaghetti.
HUDSON (as Tink): It has to be curly noodles only.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I feel like I’ve never seen a pasta salad with spaghetti or linguini or angel hair, any of the skinny long pastas.
HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, when I say community consensus, that’s like the textbook answer. In reality, there’s actually groups of people, we don’t really see them, they kind of operate in the shadows, and they make these culinary decisions for all of us.
LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think Palpatine is the one deciding if it’s a pasta salad or not?
HUDSON (as Tink): I think this goes higher than Palpatine.
CAMERON (as Karma): To who?!
NICK (as HK): What do you do if the pasta experts can’t agree on what’s a pasta salad or not and their opinions diverge from an established line?
HUDSON (as Tink): Well HK, when something like that happens, then there’s a public decision to be made about which dish is actually called pasta salad and what dish gets the new name. Now, the new name dish might fight to say it’s called pasta salad, but after a little while you really know what’s the real pasta salad.
LILIT (as Xianna): How much sauce do you have to add before it is a soup?
NICK (as HK): I am so happy that I don’t eat.
CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh… I feel like it’s a ratio thing with how many noodles you have.
HUDSON (as Tink): That checks out. So, I would say… something can be a pasta salad and a soup. It’s not like their mutually exclusive.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but if you poured the sauce into a bowl and then you poured the uncooked pasta on top, is that a cereal?
CAMERON (as Karma): No, it would have to be the other direction. You’d have to put the uncooked pasta in first and then pour the sauce on top.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’re right.
HUDSON (as Tink): What did the council decide?
NICK (as HK): I hate to be the voice of order in this conversation as we hike through the swamp, but returning to the chocolate bar – good swamp snack question, the good news is there’s water everywhere, so if Tink gets thirsty he can just bend over and slurp it up.
CAMERON (as Karma): No. Do not drink this.
HUDSON (as Tink): Can I? Yes.
LILIT (as Xianna): Do not. No, do not drink the dirty swamp water.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not going to, but I can. HK wasn’t wrong.
CAMERON (as Karma): I have accidentally breathed some of it and it is not good.
HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, no one’s been here. What could it be contaminated with?
CAMERON (as Karma): A whole lot of stuff, actually, just not a whole lot of people stuff. Just nature stuff.
LILIT (as Xianna): Worm poop.
NICK: [grinning] yeah, actually. That’s where tapeworms come from, right? That’s not good. As you all are hiking and having this conversation, we see you all pushing branches out of the way, stomping deeper into the swamp and away from the ship. I need everyone to roll me a Force die.
CAMERON: One dark side.
HUDSON: One dark side.
LILIT: Two light side.
CAMERON: Does HK need a die?
CAMERON: Two light side.
NICK: Okay. Karma and Tink, I need you both to roll daunting Coordination checks real quick as you are stepping over a deeper pit in the landscape where the water is much deeper than what you’ve been wading through. You see a flicker of motion.
CAMERON: Six successes.
HUDSON: I got a complete wash.
NICK: [weakly] Yep, so…
NICK: Karma, you see this flicker of motion and cartwheel your way quickly out of the way. You reach back to help Tink and—
HUDSON: Help me~
NICK: Tink, a huge toothy mouth clamps around your midsection and pulls you deep into the swamp almost immediately. You don’t even have time to catch your breath. You are being pulled deeper and deeper. The light is quickly going out.
HUDSON: [makes silly bubbling drowning sounds]
NICK: What do you do? Karma, Xianna and HK, you all look around and all there is is a slight bubbling in the swamp nearby. Tink has vanished like he was never there.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no! The swamp worms got Tink!
HUDSON: I take out two chocolate bars, open them underwater, and rub them in the monster’s eyes.
HUDSON: That is all within reach.
NICK: That’s true! [laughs] Um… make me a Skulduggery check to fight dirty with your candy bars?
HUDSON: [laughs] What’s the difficulty?
HUDSON: Two failures.
NICK: Okay… So, you grab these chocolate bars, you open them underwater, and the speed with which you’re being swum away from your friends causes them to start to disintegrate as soon as you open them. You try to rub them into this creature’s eyes, but its head is too big. Your arms are not long enough to reach its eyes, so you end up just kind of making chocolate lines on its cheeks.
A large bumpy tongue reaches out brushing across your face underwater in a very uncomfortable way and licks the chocolate off of its cheeks before retreating back into its toothy maw. Take some damage. How much damage? Let’s roll four yellows versus two purples.
CAMERON: Three successes and a triumph?
NICK: So, you take 6 wounds…
NICK: …minus your Soak, so it shouldn’t be too much.
NICK: But you also get crit on. Please roll a crit.
CAMERON: A 33.
LILIT: A 33 is Stunned. Staggered until end of next turn.
NICK: So Tink, you feel the pressure beginning to build. The teeth dig into you, knocking some of the air from your lungs. It hurts. You see black spots for a while. Cameron, roll me another attack, please, same as before.
CAMERON: That one’s better. It’s only four successes.
NICK: Okay, so that’s 7 more damage coming at Tink. We cut away from Tink, disappearing into the depths of the swamp, to see Xianna, Karma and HK still standing where their friend disappeared.
NICK (as HK): Do you think it counts as allowing harm by inaction if I do not jump into the swamp to save the Boss Man?
CAMERON: Karma unhooks her carbine and slams it into HK’s chest so that he grabs it.
NICK: Yeah. He wraps both arms around it, looking surprised.
CAMERON: Then, takes out her glow rod, turns it on, sticks it in her mouth and dives into the water and just starts swimming.
NICK: HK’s head turns to look at Xianna who’s standing next to him.
NICK (as HK): Xianna, do you think we’re also supposed to do something?
LILIT (as Xianna): Um… I don’t swim as good as Karma, so I think I would just be a hindrance.
NICK (as HK): And I don’t swim at all. Are you saying that I am released from my responsibility of helping in this situation?
LILIT (as Xianna): Until the worm creature comes back above the surface, I think so.
NICK (as HK): Cool. So, seen any good holos lately?
NICK: And we cut back to Karma swimming rapidly down into the depths, her face under-lit by a glow rod giving it that scary story lighting as she swims downward. You can see this massive… it looks like a crocodile but its legs are big spiked flippers and its teeth are much longer. This thing is probably four or five meters long and it’s swimming lazily down with a stream of bubbles coming back up towards you. You can see Tink flailing uselessly. He appears to be holding a candy bar in each hand.
CAMERON: Karma is swimming as quickly as she can trying to reach the tail of this monster since that’s the closest thing still to her, and has drawn her sword at this point, and is going to just try to catch up to it and be able to stab it to distract it and hopefully get it to turn back around and head back up.
NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack at average difficulty with two black dice, because this thing is armored, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade it.
CAMERON: I’m gonna aim.
CAMERON: For its tail. [chuckles] Two successes, three advantages, which does crit three times. My vibro-sword is Crit 1.
NICK: So go ahead and roll a crit at +20, plus whatever your Lethal Blows does.
CAMERON: Also, my sword is Vicious 1, so another 10, so it’s just 30… but then because it’s me it’s another +40, so it’s a +70?
NICK: So it’s 120?
LILIT: A 120 is Blinded. Cannot see…
LILIT: …+2 difficulty to all checks, +3 to Perception and Vigilance.
NICK: So you slash this thing I guess across the head.
CAMERON: [giggling] I slash it in its tail and it’s like “what? I can’t see anything now!”
NICK: I think what happens is you slash it in the tail and it whips around to the source of the pain and starts to, like when a fish panics, go left and right and do side crunches, and some of the blood and mud and muck gets into its eyes and it forces its eyes closed to protect them, but it can’t open them right now so it can’t see. It’s still holding Tink. Tink, it hasn’t let you go. You’re being thrown around in the water now very quickly.
CAMERON: And if your eyes are open, there is a light source now.
NICK: You can see a blurry Karma face nearby.
HUDSON: So as Tink is being dragged down, in an act of desperation and not at all because he’s had a kind of history of trouble with this, Tink pees himself so that the horrendous composition of his pee intoxicates the monster and lets him go.
NICK: [strained] You don’t have to roll for that. The monster has been slashed, it can’t open its eyes, and now, much like a stinkbug being attacked by a bird, you have released a biological agent to keep yourself from being eaten. This thing pries its teeth free of your fur and swims into the depths away from you and Karma.
CAMERON: I would like to flip a light side point that I am far enough away from Tink at this point that I am not negatively impacted by the fact that he just peed in the water that I’m in.
NICK: Yeah, that would probably be good since you breathe through your skin.
CAMERON: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m not close enough.
NICK: You’re far enough away. The turbulence in the water quickly whisks the horrible Gigoran pee into the depths after this creature. Tink, you are very low below the water. You’ve had air crushed from you. In mechanical terms, you only have one more round before you begin to drown. I need you to roll me an Athletics check to see how quick you can swim to the surface.
CAMERON: Karma starts waving towards her, indicating ‘come swim this way.’
HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?
HUDSON: One success.
NICK: You don’t break the surface with one success, you’re too far down, but you do make some ground. Tink, you start to swim upward.
CAMERON: Karma doesn’t have a rebreather but will assist once Tink starts swimming up. She will grab and assist in getting him up faster.
NICK: Cool. Tink, you take 3 strain at the end of this round and you are starting to run out of air, but you are now next to Karma and swimming your way up. Y’all can make a collaborative Athletics check to try to get Tink back to the surface.
CAMERON: So your Brawn is 4, mine’s only 3.
HUDSON: I have no Athletics.
CAMERON: Alright, I have 2 Athletics.
NICK: So you get to roll two yellow and two green, average difficulty again.
HUDSON: A triumph with a success and four advantages?
NICK: Good for you. You all are able to rocket towards the surface. I think Tink is pulling with all of his might with his arms and Karma is pushing and dolphin kicking behind you. Tink breaks the surface in a spray of brackish water probably 30 meters from shore where HK and Xianna are sitting. Hudson, do you wanna hit me with a good “oh, I almost drowned” gasp?
HUDSON (as Tink): [deep gasp and heavy coughing]
NICK: Very good. Karma pops up next to Tink and the two of you start to swim towards the shore.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so and then anyways, she discovers that she actually loves the guy who was at the house she was staying at, so then she has to fly back to Coruscant— [gasps] Oh! Oh Tink! Karma, you are back!
HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] Hey.
NICK: We see Tink and Karma dragging themselves onto the muddy shore.
NICK (as HK): Yeah, that’s great and all, but what happens next, Xianna?
LILIT (as Xianna): Well okay. So, then she flies back to Coruscant, but you see the lady from Coruscant realizes that she is in love with the guy who was at the house on Alderaan. You see, they switch places of who they are in love with, so they each have to go back to where the other one lives to find their respective lover.
CAMERON (as Karma): Are y’all talking about The Holiday?
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! HK was asking what holo movie I had seen recently.
NICK (as HK): No, you have it wrong, Karma. It’s The Holoday.
CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh…
CAMERON: Karma is breathing normally but is spitting out a lot of water and is just trying to clear her mouth out from the nastiness.
LILIT (as Xianna): We just decided that since neither of us swim too good it was best if we stayed here to offer backup in case the fight came back on land.
NICK (as HK): Primary user Karma, you actually gave me your weapon so my job was to guard it. I guarded it to my best ability.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, thank you. I did hand it to you thinking that you would not go in the water, so…
NICK (as HK): I’m glad we’re all on the same page.
CAMERON (as Karma): Good job. Thank you. Yes.
CAMERON: Karma takes her carbine back.
HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, how long was I out for? How long was I down there?
LILIT (as Xianna): Like 30 seconds.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Okay, hold on, I gotta do something.
HUDSON: For my triumph, can I get one com call? Not to a person but to a machine.
HUDSON: Alright. I dial a really long number in my coms and it answers and y’all can’t hear what it’s saying, but I just wait about five seconds and then I go…
HUDSON (as Tink): Tango, Butterfly, Lampoon, Ballerina, Alpha, Beach.
HUDSON: …and then I hang up.
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what the fuck is that?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, if uh…
NICK (as HK): Boss Man clearly has a dead man switch setup somewhere.
HUDSON (as Tink): HK is exactly right. I have a dead man switch setup where if my oxygen level dips below a certain amount for a certain amount of time, or a number of other bodily injuries happen in sequence, then it gets tripped unless I call and cancel it.
CAMERON (as Karma): What is the time set at for low oxygen? Because that seems low.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll be honest. I forgot because I coded it a while ago and I was really sleep-deprived, so it could be a minute, it could be a couple days.
LILIT (as Xianna): What does it even do?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So uh, all my prized possessions get released to those who I have selected for it to be released to. Mostly my parents and you all.
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Ooh! We get prizes.
HUDSON (as Tink): If I die.
LILIT (as Xianna): We get prizes!
NICK (as HK): Tink, what are you giving me if you die?
HUDSON (as Tink): … HK, you have my most metal hat, when I die.
NICK (as HK): Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks.
HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, you get my box of secret recipes.
CAMERON (as Karma): Lovely.
HUDSON (as Tink): Um… Xianna, you get…
NICK (as HK): You’re making this up right now, aren’t you, Tink? You’re not giving Xianna anything, are you?
HUDSON (as Tink): No! No. Xianna gets a really cool thing, for real. Uh… for real. Xianna gets, um, a very valuable sequent pillow.
LILIT (as Xianna): You’re making this up.
HUDSON (as Tink): [quickly losing confidence] No, it’s really cool. You gotta see it.
CAMERON (as Karma): How sleep-deprived were you when you coded this?
HUDSON (as Tink): It was like during finals in college. It hasn’t been updated in a while. I’m surprised the number picked up.
NICK: So, as you all are having this conversation, a shadowy figure appears out of the underbrush; a small green creature carrying a stick as a cane with long ears and wispy white hair wrapped in a brown robe. You hear:
NICK (as Yoda): Run afoul of the dragon snake you have. Bad for its digestion you would be. Glad to see you safe I am.
LILIT: Xianna’s face lights up. She puts her hands on her cheeks.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh! Look at the little baby~!
NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.
If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.
Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.