Category: Transcripts

Transcriptions of episodes.

Word document download: Episode 43 Gigoran Warfare

PDF download: Episode 43 Gigoran Warfare

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 43:
Gigoran Warfare

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, we have a new patron! [air horn noises] Megan B, welcome to the crew. We see that you brought your own tools. That will probably come in handy as our main mechanic seems to be doing it more as a hobby. Sincerely, thank you so, so much for supporting our show.

One other announcement this week. We did a spur of the moment Twitter drive and hit our goal pretty quickly. Thank you for that. as a reward I have recorded myself singing a parody of my own composition, Harley the Hutt, to the tune of Shia LaBeouf. It’s art… That’s all I’ll say about that. expect that to show up on our social media platforms in the near future if it hasn’t already. So um… thanks for that as well. Remember, you did this to yourselves.

Music this week is Play Dat Soul by Ménaje Quad and Main Stem by U.S. Army Blues.

So let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 43. I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s a lovely summer evening. By the time this comes out it will hopefully be fall, but we’re in Texas so it probably won’t be. It will probably still be hot and terrible.

LAURA: Fall is a place in your heart, okay?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: It can’t be fall if the souls of my shoes stick to the concrete because they’re melting.

LAURA: I don’t know what to tell you. Just pretend more.

NICK: And then I fell, so I guess we’ve got that going.

CAMERON: You obviously need to spend more time in the Halloween sections of Michael’s and Joanne’s.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: So like, for—What’s that time change thing called? Daylight Savings Time.


LAURA: Oh. I thought, I was about to say, the first day of pumpkin spice?

NICK: Yeah, the autumn equinox.

HUDSON: No, Daylight Savings Time. I was thinking like, how do you remember it, and I was like… fall backwards, spring forward.

NICK: That’s actually correct.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: Okay. I did the opposite the other day and I was like—

NICK: Spring backwards—

CAMERON: –fall forwards?



NICK: Oh no. [laughs]

HUDSON: That’s what I was doing over and over again. I was like, [gritted] this doesn’t sound right.


NICK: So, everybody go around the table, introduce yourselves and see who you are playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: [smiling] I need to see who I am playing today. I feel like I need to draw a name out of the hat to figure it out. But okay, I’ll just use the sheet in front of me then. I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Awesome. Next up, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a vibro-axe wielding Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh, a new modifier on there.

HUDSON: For now.

NICK: For now? [laughs] Okay. Are you gonna lose it?

HUDSON: I just switch things up every once in a while. I can’t get, you know…

NICK: Oh, okay, I see what you’re saying. Okay.

HUDSON: …can’t get too used to it.

NICK: And last but not least, we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hi. I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Awesome! So, before we do the recap, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll~!

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Oh no.


LAURA: Oh shit.

NICK: This is actually very good for you all…

CAMERON: This is gonna be so helpful, if we remember that we have them.

NICK: …seeing as you are about to go into a large combat. So, when we last left off, you all were about to start a large military conflict. You all drop podded sort of successfully onto the planet Fygo, the city of Sart, which is currently under siege by a star destroyer. You met up with Neato, the grizzled Rodian mercenary. You tried to convince him to come and work for Sentinel, but Neato refused to do it until after he had kinda settled this whole battlefield situation going on. You met with the general of the resistance, General Karthage, who gave you a small contingent of soldiers to help you basically just sew distraction and destruction amongst the Imperial forces. Tink, you broke off with Neato and Specialist Talon and Specialist Kevin to go to the, basically it looked like a technological university, and it was on the far side of town and your plan was to disrupt communications. Xianna and Karma and HK and Weathers and Smith all went to the beach, again somehow, and went to try to disrupt the artillery that was making a push up onto the land to try to get in range of the shield facility that’s protecting the entire city from orbital bombardment. [breathes]

LAURA: And Xianna’s swimming. Heh.

NICK: Yes. Xianna and Weathers and Smith are currently underwater. So, we’re gonna open exactly where the last episode left off. Karma, you have the first of the mobile artillery platforms in a target lock with your rocket launcher ready to fire. HK is on the roof of a nearby building with his rifle aimed at a group of stormtroopers ready to provide covering fire and a distraction. Xianna, you are underwater with Smith and Weathers as your trio prepares to detonate the thermal detonators that you planted on the still floating artillery craft in the bay. They are rapidly approaching the point where they will not sink once you detonate the charges, so you know that you’re in a hurry here. Xianna, as you breathe in through your rebreather you notice your lungs start to burn and know that your apparatus is failing. Tink, you are at a terminal a district away in the communications building ready to interrupt Imperial communications and stop any reinforcements overhead. Everybody hears over the coms HK talking to himself. It almost sounds like he’s singing. “So many organics, so easy to vent. So many organics, soon their lives will end.” A lot of things are going to happen really fast here. Who goes first?

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: God, I love Hank.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Order wise, since HK is trying to provide the distraction it makes sense for him to go first, then for Xianna and Smith and Weathers to blow the water craft as another distraction to get everyone to turn around that way, and then Karma will rocket launcher the one on land.

NICK: Okay. You wanna tell HK dramatically to take the shot?

CAMERON: “HK, fire at will.”

NICK: You don’t hear a response. He just starts shooting. I’m gonna need you to make a roll for HK for me.


NICK: We’re about to break out all his talents.

CAMERON: Oh boy.

LAURA: Pew, pew, pew.

NICK: I’ve not talked about this, but I designed HK for two things, and one of them is this.

LAURA: What’s the other one?!

NICK: [smiling] Screaming suppressing fire and shooting at the walls is the other thing I designed him for. First of all, HK starts with two yellows and two greens. This is long range, so it starts with three purples. Now, Precise Aim: Once per round, Hank may perform a Precise Aim maneuver. Suffer strain equal to the ranks in Precise Aim to reduce the target’s melee and range defense by that number. He has 1 point in Precise Aim, so he’s going to spend that strain to reduce the stormtroopers’ range resistance, which they have. Targeted Blow we’ll use in a second. Then he’s got a bunch of lethal blows, which may come up, and then Quick Strike, so I get a blue die because no one else has acted yet.

CAMERON: And he’s gonna aim, so he gets another blue die?

NICK: And he’s gonna aim, mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So two yellow, two green, two blue, and three purple?

NICK: Yeah, that sounds about right.

CAMERON: HK got five successes and two advantages.

NICK: Cool! Also, do you wanna flip a destiny point so he can activate his targeted strike?

CAMERON: What does that do?

NICK: His Targeted Blow: After making a successful attack you can spend a destiny point to add Agility to damage to one hit.

CAMERON: Okay. His Agility is 4, right?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah, let’s do that.

NICK: Yeah, okay. It was how many successes?


NICK: Five successes, so that’s 14 damage, plus 4, so that’s 18 damage, which is gonna be four stormtroopers out of the ten that’s on the beach. [laughs]

[bouncy techno jazz music starts]

So yeah, you tell HK to take the shot and he just starts shooting. We get the image through… So he doesn’t have a scope, but it’s through his rifle vision which is very yellow and lit up with red silhouettes of these stormtroopers, and he has one centered in the shot and he takes the shot, and Karma, from where you are you can kind of see the beach, and this shot just… the stormtrooper is just gone and there’s a little cloud where the stormtrooper used to be of like vapor.


NICK: Yeah. You can see the stormtrooper, really when you look, got blasted down the beach and is like sliding into the water, and then quickly there’s another shot and another stormtrooper goes sliding, and another shot, and another stormtrooper goes… and it takes three, because each one has less than a second in between, and the stormtroopers start to panic and run for cover and try to get behind the artillery. Ten there’s another shot and one that was mostly behind cover gets hit in the leg and falls back out of cover and then another shot takes that one down where they’re standing. So yeah, sufficiently distracted, I think at this point. What next?

CAMERON: “Xianna, do you wanna set off the fireworks?”

LAURA: “Oh. Okie!”

NICK: Blub, blub, blub, because you’re underwater.

CAMERON: [laughs] But she can hear me at least.

LAURA: “Okie!” [through underwater sound effects]

NICK: So, you detonate the explosives?

LAURA: I’m assuming I have a button?

NICK: Yeah. You and Smith and Weathers all have buttons on little dooblies that you can hit.

LAURA: I hold up fingers and do a 3, 2, 1, button thing so that they can see.

NICK: Yeah. Their crew cuts are floating in the water, and they hit the buttons. We get the shot from like an aerial helicopter shot and there’s these three landers, they look like large troop carriers with like the Lambda thing on the front but they’ve been floating in the water, and they have the big cannons on top, and you see the one furthest from Xianna and Smith and Weathers explode just into a fireball, and then very quickly the second one does, and the third one goes off and it doesn’t completely engulf it and it continues to go forward but much more slowly. Now the stormtroopers are hiding from a sniper, behind the artillery, and also looking behind them as a large chunk of their firepower is turned into a literal fire. Good work.

CAMERON: I’m gonna take aim at the artillery one on land closest to me and I’m gonna fire my rocket launcher.

NICK: Go right ahead.

CAMERON: What’s my difficulty on my rocket launcher attack?

NICK: You are also long range so it’s gonna be three purples.

CAMERON: I am aiming. The artillery has not gone yet this encounter, so I get another blue die?

NICK: Yep… I used it, so you can use it. [laughs]

CAMERON: It hasn’t fired anything recently. Four yellows, two blue, three purple.

NICK: Wow, you’re good at shooting.

CAMERON: I am. That is a triumph, two successes, and three advantages.

NICK: Okay. We’re not gonna go into the whole ‘does a rocket launcher beat a space ship’ conversation, because I don’t think the rules hold up super well to that. this was an ambush with an anti-tank missile designed to take down an artillery thing. You blow it up.


NICK: Is there anything you want to use that triumph for?

CAMERON: Hmm. So on the ground there’s still one artillery and six live stormtroopers?

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: I want to use some of my advantages to give the stormtroopers black die because I just blew up something right next to them and that’s gonna make it harder for them to both pinpoint where things came from and just like life in general.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s narratively appropriate. There’s smoke and sand and shrapnel in the air.

CAMERON: And fire!

NICK: And fire, and… they don’t—everything’s exploding, so they are pretty pinned down. Now, stormtroopers are special forces, scary people, but no amount of training is gonna necessarily prepare you for being actively blown up. So, yeah.

CAMERON: Do y’all have any ideas for the triumph?

HUDSON: Can a piece of shrapnel take out a stormtrooper?

CAMERON: {Assume you could use} a triumph to take down a…?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Giant piece of shrapnel falls from the sky and squashes one of the stormtroopers!

NICK: [laughs] Okay, yeah. It’s the stormtrooper that was closest to the artillery piece you exploded.

CAMERON: It was the stormtrooper who was acting like a Sim and was just waving their hands in the air, pointing at the fire, yelling ‘fire.’

NICK: What do Sims yell when there’s fire? What’s the Simmish?

CAMERON: I don’t know. They just yell, noise, ‘aaaah,’ and then they have the little speech bubble around their head that has flames in it and they’re just waving their hand and standing right next to the fire… and then it slowly engulfs them.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: I played Sims a lot.

NICK: That game’s dark.

LAURA: It does get dark. I made some pretty messed up houses in the Sims.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: As the piece of shrapnel falls from the sky, the stormtrooper looks up and says, ‘oh brother,’ like Looney Toons?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Wow. Yeah, this dark war-torn landscape I’ve tossed y’all in, we’re definitely aligned tonally. [laughs] This is good. Yeah, so you do that, leaving five stormtroopers, one fully functioning artillery piece, and one semi-functioning artillery piece. Xianna, as you go to give your two very muscly commandos a thumbs up your rebreather cuts out. You are about 20 feet below the surface of the water, and you are now breathing water. It hurts.

LAURA: Well yeah. [laughs] Xianna’s eyes get real big and start pointing at the rebreather and I guess just starts trying to… Oh, do you think the first reaction would be for her to go grab one of theirs or start swimming?

NICK: Oh, I didn’t even think of that.

CAMERON: Oh no… [laughs]

NICK: Well, in my head I had it going a certain way, but now you’ve raised other options that are also fun. I think that’s probably your call.

LAURA: Yeah. I think that would be Xianna’s first reaction. She swims up to whichever Smith and Weathers is closer and just tries to grab their rebreather. Heh.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: She’ll give it back, just…

NICK: You’re gonna have to make a Brawl check to do that, but before we do we’re gonna cut over to Tink. Tink, you are sitting in a beanbag chair, I think, in front of a large computer terminal. There are other terminals around at which are seated Specialist Talon and Specialist Kevin. They are all looking at you expectantly. You just got into the main system. You sliced into it, you had no problems, and you’re looking at what you’re going to do, and as soon as you do that you know that on the roof of this building are a bunch of radio receivers and electronic surveillance systems, because that’s what they were training in at this building, and they all light up at once. You see a ton of transmissions immediately start beaming towards the atmosphere, and while those transmissions are close to instantaneous, the encryption that the Imperials use and everything means that there’s a slight delay, and you have a chance to interrupt that if you so chose. You can tell from the coms and the explosions and everything that you see that the battle has started. What do you do?

HUDSON: I want to do a couple of things. The first thing is I want to temporarily interrupt the transmissions so that they’re not getting there on time and they’re all kind of wobbly-dobbly.

NICK: Okay. Are you trying to completely stop them so it’s silent or are you just trying to make them so that people can’t understand what’s going on?

HUDSON: Can’t understand what’s going on.

NICK: Okay. That’ll just be a hard check then. That would be Computers. You can have a blue die because Talon and Kevin are backing you up.

CAMERON: You have the two blue dice for your outlaw tech data breaker?

HUDSON: Not for this.

CAMERON: It’s a Computers check if he plugs it into the computer.

NICK: Well, so like, he plugged it in to get into the computer, but now that he’s fully in he’s not really hacking so much as maintaining the surveillance system.



NICK: If he tries to later infiltrate the star destroyer I would say you could use it again, but for now.

HUDSON: So this is the first thing I do, so I’m gonna roll. Six advantages, one success.

NICK: Interesting. So, we see the whole board light up. It’s Star Wars, so it’s not really like a full LCD computer screen, it’s like a bunch of different lightbulbs like an old scoreboard or something that like show the transmissions going. On the side there is a little computer screen that you’re using. Neato, who’s standing at the doorway with his disrupter rifle, turns around and says, ‘Hey chum, what do all those lights mean? Looks like the canaries are starting to sing, eh?”

HUDSON: “It means I own them.”

NICK: “I don’t see what your ownership has to do with the situation, but those lights are getting pretty big.” And then they immediately all cut out, because you have control. It’s been scrambled. You have so many advantages. What would you like to spend those on?

HUDSON: I’m gonna crack my knuckles. “You thought that was cool? Watch this.” I close my eyes… [laughter] and I wanna upgrade one of my purples to a red on the next roll because my eyes are closed…

NICK: Okay. I’ll flip a dark side point to do that. Sure.

HUDSON: …and I try to perform a man in the middle attack. I intercept messages and send my own messages that say everyone lay down your weapons.

NICK: Oh dang. Okay.

CAMERON: [laughs] You’re getting so computery.

NICK: Yeah. It’s almost like Hudson has—

HUDSON: In the middle of an attack, like, that’s self-explanatory to an extent, right?

NICK: Yeah, yeah. No, I think that’s cool. I like using actual hacking shenanigans in the show. I think that’s fun.

LAURA: You mean two people typing on one keyboard isn’t real hacking?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Well, I mean…

HUDSON: It’s called pair programming.

CAMERON: I mean, that’s how you type faster, but…

LAURA: Is that not how you type faster…?

NICK: This one will be hard again, so that’s two purples and a red now. You can use your outlaw tech data breaker because now you’re actively trying to get into their system.

HUDSON: So two blues, or three, because you gave me a blue.

NICK: Yep, you have three blues. You are very good at this.

HUDSON: [laughing] I do it with my eyes closed because I want to be really cocky and show off to everybody in the room.


NICK: I’m hoping for that despair. Tink is better than Hudson’s hands are big for dice.

HUDSON: Okay. I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes.

NICK: Okay. Hmm… Be thinking about that triumph. I think… Stormtroopers are some hard cases, right? If they’re currently under fire and you’re able to hijack their transmissions with a command, I would assume it would be like an automated command rather than you recording something?


NICK: So, you’re gonna sew a bunch of confusion, but they’re not necessarily all immediately gonna give up, right? So I think a couple of them lay down arms, a couple of them stop looking for whoever’s shooting at them because they’re busy trying to confirm the orders, so you have definitely thrown them into disarray on the ground but they don’t all immediately just stop fighting. Anything you wanna use that triumph for? It can be kinda unrelated to what you were doing.

HUDSON: This is definitely unrelated to what I was doing.

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: I send one more message that says, ‘Code Macarena! I repeat, Code Macarena!’ Just to fuck around.


CAMERON: [giggling] That’s your triumph, is you said that? Okay.

HUDSON: [laughing] yes.

NICK: One of the stormtroopers says, “Well, you heard the orders,” and walks out onto the beach and starts doing the dance.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: And then is immediately cut down by Hank and dies horribly.

CAMERON: So I get to cross off another one?

NICK: Yeah. Good job, you used your triumph to—

HUDSON: Kill a stormtrooper inadvertently?

NICK: –to kill a stormtrooper. Mechanically that makes perfect sense.



NICK: Narratively we’re getting a little interesting with it. This is fun. This is good.


NICK: Great. Neato, from the doorway, says, “Ah, the old Code Macarena trick, a classic!” And we cut back to the beach. Xianna, you are currently trying to fight a commando for his rebreathing unit. I think that’s a Brawl check against a commando.

LAURA: Okay, but what if I use Agility?

NICK: I think you could argue that it’s Skulduggery, like that you do it sneakily, in which case it would be against his Perception instead of against his Brawl, which might be good.

LAURA: Okay. So then, basically try to pickpocket from his mouth.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: yeah. You’re good enough at that. I would accept it.

LAURA: Pickmouth. I don’t like that. [laughter] Anyways, I am gonna flip a light side point for that.

CAMERON: Xianna starts panicking, points to her mouth, swims over, and then sneakily steals someone’s rebreather. [laughs]

NICK: Or it’s just like, so quick.

LAURA: Well I do it right as they say Code Macarena, and you can tell in our eyes we all are, like, that flash second of ‘aw shit, I wish we were on land to do the Code Macarena. We know what this is. We’ve been waiting.’

CAMERON: Yeah. Because Karma had the Imperial com, so she patched it into our group com, so we can all hear, so we all heard Code Macarena and we’re all thinking… that was Tink.

NICK: Yeah. Well, and I think, it’s Star Wars so you can have dual channels open, so you can hear the slightly distorted voice of Tink on the Imperial coms, because that one I think was Tink just talking into a microphone.


NICK: And then you can also hear him talking over your squad channel. His Perception is going to be two reds against you.

LAURA: I’m just trying to remember all of my stuff, because it’s been a while.

NICK: I’ll give you a black die because you’re underwater trying to do this.

LAURA: Fun. I’m just gonna go ahead and take that away.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Because I have something…

NICK: You gotta tell me the name of the talent.

LAURA: Oh wait, no, that’s Streetwise or Knowledge.

NICK: Oh no.

LAURA: That’s for Stealth and Coordination. Uh… Bypass Security!


NICK: Maybe not. I think you’re still probably going to be fine, though.

LAURA: Yeah. I think that’s the one thing that I don’t remove… Oh wait, no. Remove black die per rank of Convincing Demeanor. That includes Skulduggery.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: Ha. What was the difficulty?

NICK: Two reds. You can pickpocket underwater as good as you can pickpocket on land. That’s impressive.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: If there’s a despair, he will shoot you.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Underwater?

NICK: Yup. They work once underwater.

LAURA: I got three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay? You snatch the rebreather out of their mouth, and you can see, whether it’s Smith or Weathers, they have this moment where they don’t notice, it’s so fast. Do you want to use your advantages that you put your rebreather in his mouth or do you want it to be that he doesn’t freak out and try to take it back from you?

LAURA: That they don’t freak out and I’m able to put my hand up and do a little countdown and then hand it back to them after a few breaths, and then motion that we’re going back up.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: So that hopefully they understand that like, hey, I’m being an asshole, but I’m not gonna let you die?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Hey, sharing is caring, okay?

LAURA: Sharing is caring. Please let me live.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, I think that would account for how successful you were on this roll. However, swimming back to the surface while alternating who can breathe and who can’t I think is very challenging. I would like an average difficulty Athletics roll to see how good you do making it back to the surface.

LAURA: Oh… boy.

NICK: Really hitting you on those Brawl checks tonight, aren’t I?

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: All the Brawn.

NICK: Brawn, that’s what I meant to say.

LAURA: [long pause]

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: [laughs] What’s that dice pool there, Laura?

LAURA: It’s a single green. [laughs] I have a 1 in Brawn and I have nothing trained in Athletics, because everything I do is Agility based. Pretty much if I do a skill it is Agility or Cunning, every so often Presence, but…

NICK: I need to get you into a fistfight at some point.

LAURA: Two failures and a threat.

NICK: Okay. This is really difficult. I think the swimming before… You’re okay at swimming, but you probably breathe pretty heavily because you’re used to having a rebreather, and suddenly now that you have to control your breathing and everything you realize how much physical effort it is, and you start to see some spots, and your lungs start to hurt. You’ve kind of established a cadence with the commando that you’re sharing with on how long you take it back and forth, and on one of the times you take an extra breath but the commando, without thinking about it, pulls it back, so then you kind of inhale some water and your vision starts to get darker. You get a shot kind of even with the water level of the choppy waters of the bay being disrupted by the recent explosions that we’ve had, the reflection of the fireballs of the rapidly sinking artillery platforms, and in the distance kind of out of focus on the beach you can see stormtroopers diving to the ground away from the exploded things on shore and just kind of random blaster fire from the roof of a nearby building as Hank keeps people pinned down, and then the water surface is broken by one of the commandos, and then there’s a long four second pause… and then the water is broken by the other commando dragging Xianna, who doesn’t have the rebreather, and starts coughing into the air. You all are on the surface of the water. You made it. Xianna, take 4 strain.


HUDSON: Makes sense.

NICK: That was difficult. And at this point, the stormtroopers are going to recover from the initial shock of this ambush attack. There are four left on the beach, one of which is still kind of just pinned down by all the explosions and everything that’s going on, that’s part of the confusion of them getting conflicting orders, but three of them managed to rally together behind the last non-exploded artillery and they take a shot at I think Hank’s position because he’s the one that they’re most likely to see, because he’s still shooting. That distraction has worked pretty well. Really this whole ambush has gone off a lot better than I expected. So, they’re going to be shooting at Hank’s position. They have two yellow and a green. It is long range so it’s a hard roll, and they also have a black die because he is in cover.

CAMERON: And they have a black die from all of the smoke.

NICK: Yep, and they have a black die from all of their distractions and things. Probably not smoke, because their helmets filter smoke, but not toxins.

CAMERON: And fire!

NICK: yeah, and just general shellshockedness probably. Let’s go ahead and roll that and see if they manage to hit our robot friend.

CAMERON: One success, one triumph, and one threat.

NICK: Oh, they got a triumph. Let’s roll a crit~! The threat is I think whoever shoots at them next will have a blue die.

CAMERON: A 48. Head Ringer: +1 difficulty to Intellect/Cunning checks until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Yeah, that’s gonna be real hard for Mister ThinkBot over there. But they had one success?


NICK: So that’s one success, they do 8 damage, that’s 9 damage, so he takes 5 damage. Ooh, that still hurts him very bad. He’s not happy about that.

CAMERON: And then mark down that he has a crit.

NICK: So the stormtroopers hit Hank’s sniping position, and you hear the sound of blaster fire hitting metal over the coms, and you hear Hank say, “Oh, that was unexpected. Alright you stormtroopers, I’ll show you what’s up,” and he jumps off of the roof of the building and there is a very loud clang. Karma, you can see him try to superhero land but his leg gives out, so he keels over but he gets up pretty quick. He looks pretty damaged, there’s a lot of sparks coming out of his torso, and you can see that there are some holes kinda near to where you repaired his armor from where he got shot the first time when his processor was cored out, but he is leveling his gun at them. we’re gonna jump back to Tink. Tink, what are you working on right now while you’re slicing?

HUDSON: Well, I’m seeing if there’s anything that I can steal to benefit me later on , like secret codes or accesses.

NICK: Are you trying to actively attack the Imperial network at this point?


NICK: Okie-dokie. First thing you’ll have to do is get into the star destroyer. You’ve done that before.

HUDSON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: You have a black die on that that you can’t remove with your data breaking thing because it’s from the fact that you have left a signature in star destroyers every time in the past.

HUDSON: Okay. Even if I have the skill it doesn’t matter?

NICK: Yeah. This one ,because it’s so situational, this one is mostly if you get threats I’m gonna make you do that again, because I like doing it and it makes me happy. So that black die will stick. The other black die, because you would have at least one more, from trying to remotely access a military data base in space, we’re gonna take that away with your skills. So, you only have one, and you still have three blue dice because of your setup here. Let’s see how you do.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: We’re gonna go hard.

HUDSON: So hard with a black die?

NICK: Yep.

HUDSON: One success and eight advantages.


NICK: Laura looks so pleased.

LAURA: [giggles]

NICK: Well, so you get in. Would you like to use those advantages to just give everybody a blue die on the next thing they do?


NICK: We’ll just say that you are doing so well that you’re pulling strings throughout the system, distracting stormtroopers with bursts of static in their coms, maybe throwing off the propulsion of these artillery pieces a little bit more, things like that. if you could flip me that dark side point, though… As you are doing that, you do get into the star destroyer, it takes a while with just one success so we’re not gonna give you the time to immediately start casing the joint so to speak. That dark side point was, the entire building is shaken? Shooken? Shook?

LAURA: It’s shook! Heh.

NICK: So shook!

LAURA: Been shook!

HUDSON: Shaken.

NICK: The entire building begins to shake—

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: –as it takes a large impact, almost as if something has fallen from space and hit the roof of the building. This would be a good time to mention you’re on the fourth floor. It’s a five story building. Neato flips a toggle on his disrupter rifle and you hear it begin to charge. [power-up noise] “Well chums, it looks like we might have company,” as you hear the booted feet of stormtroopers on the roof as a patrol is making its way down the stairs. Maybe it’s a coincidence, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s Maybelline. Yeah, so you’ve got that going on. Do you stay focused on your slicing, or…?

HUDSON: I think I take my vibro-axe and I absolutely smash every computer in that room.

NICK: Ohh! Okay.

CAMERON: Go full Kylo Ren on this room. [laughs]

HUDSON: Yes. Does that throw a wrench in some stuff, Nick?


LAURA: You threw an axe in it. Ha-ha!

NICK: Yeah, quite literally. So like, peek behind the GM curtain here, I was expecting you to continue to try to slice while Neato tried to defend you, but if you wanna smash it so there’s no backtrace and fight your way out, that’s an option too, like 100%.

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do that.

NICK: So then, that went internal, and I wouldn’t even have looked surprised, I would have just rolled with it, but then my thinking is… Is smashing all the computers to remove any trace of you a Skulduggery check, or a Computers check, or a Melee check? [laughs]

HUDSON: I think Melee.

CAMERON: I would say either Melee or Computers, because Melee for axing good but Computers for knowing where to hit.

NICK: For axing the correct things.


NICK: Which are you better at, Computers or Melee?

HUDSON: I’m the same in both as far as the number of yellow dice I’m going to get, however in Computers I’d be better in because I get my skill tree stuff.

NICK: Alright. You wanna do Computers just in case?

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do that. yeah, sure.

NICK: So, you are smashing around but you’re not just trying to demolish everything, you are like cutting the hard drives in half on this thing. You are being very surgical. As Kevin and Specialist Talon, I think that they’re typing away like ‘oh man, we got into the database, look at all this stuff,’ and their screens start to flicker out as you just start wailing on stuff.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Talon goes, “What are you doing?!” Roll the die.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average? You have a big old vibro-axe. I feel like making a computer inoperable is not that hard.

HUDSON: And I get a blue die because everyone got a blue die from my last advantages?

NICK: Yeah, from all of your advantages. I feel like eight advantages is like, everyone gets a blue die for the rest of the session, whatever. [laughs]

HUDSON: Six successes and a threat.


HUDSON: You should see this dice composition. It’s magnificent.

NICK: So, the threat is going to be that this takes a little longer than expected, so the stormtroopers are gonna get to go first when they get to you. the six successes is that this entire thing is completely shredded to hell. No one’s gonna be able to track anything about you through this system, including the star destroyer that you got into.

HUDSON: Wouldn’t it also mess up their coms, since that’s what’s controlling their coms?

NICK: Yeah, we’ll say that.

HUDSON: I feel like that just more makes sense.

NICK: Yeah. You had such complete control, you’ve been so successful with this that you have them all patched through you, and I think that they are shut off, at least for now, they may come back up later as they figure out what the heck happened. So, with that amount of successes on that slicing check, if you wanted to remove a piece of this computer that you would find useful later and take it with you, you could.


NICK: What piece of the computer do you take?

HUDSON: A group of USB keys in a little container.

NICK: Okay. You slam the axe into a piece and it just flies up into the air and you just grab it out of the air. ‘Ooh!’ And you—

HUDSON: –pocket it.

NICK: And around this point you hear the clomping of stormtroopers coming down a set of stairs and you hear, ‘Hey, it looks like there’s some people in there. Let’s investigate.” The stormtroopers start heading towards you.

HUDSON: “There’s no people in here!”

NICK: “Hey, they say there’s no people in there.”

And Neato says, “Investigate this, Imperial scum!” and he starts shooting down the hallway.

“Hey, I think there is people in there!” [smiling] And we’re gonna cut away. So, as that is going on and the stormtroopers start a gunfight, we’re gonna cut back to the main beach. No communication went out from the ambush. Nobody heard from the star destroyer that this ambush was happening. Communications were cut, but they heard some gargled thing. I think you managed to make it sound like a communications error, so they’re kind of troubleshooting rather than sending reinforcements. We are down to four stormtroopers on the beach, one artillery piece, one partially moving artillery piece in the bay that is shooting sparks into the water, and Xianna… You are being held above water as you cough by a commando and the other commando is there. What do you do?

LAURA: I mean, Xianna’s a little panicky right now. “[coughs] Beach! [coughs]”

NICK: “Well that’s not very polite. I just saved your life.”

LAURA: “No, beeeach! [coughs] I am… [coughs] drowning!”

NICK: “Damn Smith, did you hear what she called you? That’s so rude. Let’s head to the beach.”

“Yeah guy, I don’t know.”

LAURA: [whining and coughing] “Yes! Beach!”

NICK: “I just don’t think we know each other that way.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “No~!” [laughs]

NICK: [smiling] Smith is swimming with one arm.

LAURA: “Please, I have so much water in my lungs!”

NICK: So yeah, you swim towards the beach as gunfire erupts from the small gunfight going on. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: I would like to have reloaded my rocket launcher.

NICK: I think enough time has passed that you could reload.

CAMERON: And shoot the other still fully functioning artillery.

NICK: Okay. Roll up that check. You will have a black die because you are shooting through smoke and fog and mess and things.

CAMERON: But I get a blue die from Tink’s crazy amount of advantages.

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: I’m aiming, so I get another blue die.

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: And it hasn’t gone in combat yet, so I get another blue die! [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [huffs] Okay. [chuckles]

CAMERON: It hasn’t! And it’s still long range.

NICK: Yep, unless you move up.

CAMERON: I think I’m—Actually, I think I’ll do that. I’mma move up.

NICK: Okay. Give me the action sequence of Karma finishing the reload and running to a new firing position.

CAMERON: So, Karma shoots the first rocket, I think the rocket launcher has more kickback than she’s used to as it’s significantly higher powered than her carbine, but she fires it, sees the explosion, smiles slightly, drops down, starts reloading it, hops back up about the time that she hears the metal getting hit noises of HK getting hit and sees him jump off the building, shakes her head, hops through the window and starts running up to where she can see, because the artillery is higher, but it’s still smoky enough that she can’t really make out any of the stormtroopers, and then puts it up on her shoulder and aims it and fires.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: A triumph, one success, and three advantages, which I think is the exact same thing I rolled last time.

NICK: Huh. Feels like it, doesn’t it?


NICK: So, the rocket strikes squarely in the middle of this landing thing, and it goes up in a big oily fireball. You know that wet-looking fire that they use in action movies sometimes? It does that, just viscous and flowy and very globular.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: That’s a weird word.


CAMERON: Yeah, but it works.

NICK: Yeah. Do you want to use your triumph to take out one of the three remaining stormtroopers or do you want to use it for something else?

CAMERON: I want to take out one of the additional stormtroopers. The fire happens, Karma takes the rocket launcher off her shoulder and just chucks it forward into the smoke a little bit and hits a stormtrooper who falls and hits his head and dies. [laughs]

NICK: Are you that close to the stormtroopers?

CAMERON: Well, I’d been to the side, shot the one closest to me, and then approached.

NICK: Oh, so you ran around?

CAMERON: So probably came up almost even with the first blown out one so that now that the rocket launcher, I’m out of rockets, I can switch to my carbine and be within medium range of everybody.

NICK: Rather than it being like an accident, can you just use it like a baseball bat and like take this person out?

CAMERON: Sure. Yes. I guess she’ll use her sword melee skills with a rocket launcher and just swing it.

NICK: Okay. Sure.

CAMERON: And conk him on the head.

NICK: So it’s one of the ones taking aim at Hank who is just spouting obscenities as his gun cycles up. One of them has taken cover on the other side of the wall that you were using and is kind of blown back by the force of the rocket going off and then you just smash them over the head with it and they go down.

CAMERON: And then I take cover, behind the shell of the first one.

NICK: Sure. Yup. HK is probably only about 10-15 meters away from you, because you’ve run towards him. HK is not taking cover. HK is just a big, glowing beacon of angry droid at this point. Around this time, Xianna, you make it to the beach. We see Weathers stride purposefully up the beach, water streaming off of his tanktop and combat pants, and it looks very much like a propaganda add for like ‘Join the Military’ as he strides up and pulls a carbine out of somewhere and starts walking towards the combat. Then Smith strides up onto the beach with your arm thrown over his shoulder, and as he gets up out of the water he lets go of you to grab the carbine.

LAURA: Xianna just falls face forward into the sand and just does the very pathetic crawl up onto the sand and then just flops back down, and has like tears in her eyes and her face is reddened so her cheeks are more of a plum than a violet. “Ugh! I was saying beach, not bitch. There was no T in that word. [groans]”

NICK: Smith looks down and goes, “Oh… Hey, are you alright? You look pretty bad.”

LAURA: “No! I was drowning. My rebreather was out. That is why I took yours, or his, whichever’s I took.”

NICK: “Well I got that.”

LAURA: “Yes! So you took it a few times while I was still breathing.”

NICK: “We were only like 20 feet underwater. It wasn’t that far.”

LAURA: “I don’t swim good. I did not learn to swim until I was an adult and I am not very strong. I am so, so sad and so small.” [resists giggling]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “I just want to sit on the sand. I like the sand.”

NICK: Smith primes his carbine and—

CAMERON: I think you mean he cocks his blaster.

NICK: Nope. He primes his carbine.

[snickering and laughter]

LAURA: He puts a nice primer layer on it.

HUDSON: heyo.

NICK: And says, “Okay little friend, well uh, legs and lungs. Let’s go.” They start to head up the beach towards the remaining stormtroopers, covering each other tactically.

LAURA: She pushes herself and sits up and is wiping the tears from her face. ‘Legs and lungs? What the fuck does that even mean?! [sobs] I am so done with today.” She starts shakily getting back up and just starts trudging after them.

NICK: Yeah. So you head up the beach, Xianna?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. I think at this point HK just starts laying down suppressing fire. There’s only three of them left at this point. They have taken cover in the burned out remains of the last artillery piece. So, Xianna, as you’re running up the beach we get the shaky cam behind you like they do in beach landing scenes as you scramble up the beach, and there’s all this blaster fire around you, all these red bolts flashing through the smoke, and as you clear the smoke and you’re near enough to see the stormtroopers you can see that all of the blaster fire coming in your direction is Hank just laying down a curtain of destruction.

LAURA: “Haaank! Hank, stop it!”

NICK: “Suppressing fire!”

LAURA: “No, not at me! Other direction, please!”

NICK: Roll me a force die, would you?

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: “Secondary user recognized. Redirecting suppressing fire.” He focuses in on where the stormtroopers are, pinning them down, giving them all black dice. I’m not gonna make him roll to shoot for that. that’s fine. So Xianna, do you want to help engage in this situation? They don’t have cover against you because they’re pinned down away from HK.

LAURA: Yeah. “Thank you, Hank~!” And then pulls out her blaster and shoots the closest one.

NICK: Cool. Roll me. Do you think you got to within close range of them under the cover of the smoke or are you still out at medium range?

LAURA: Uh, probably close.

NICK: Sure. I’ll give it to you. [laughing] There’s so much just noise and explosions. You all have done a very good job at guerilla warfare. I’m impressed.

LAURA: Would we say I could aim?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Okay.

HUDSON: Should we call it Gigoran warfare?

CAMERON: I like that better.

NICK: Gigoran warfare? Officially, now, yes.

LAURA: Okay, three successes.

NICK: Okay, that’s 8 damage. You take down one of the stormtroopers pretty easily.

LAURA: Nine damage.

NICK: Nine damage.

LAURA: For mine, yes.

NICK: You take down one and a half stormtroopers. [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah!

NICK: Uh, good job? I think you manage to shoot one out of cover and drop another one leaving one and a half stormtroopers remaining. We are getting pretty close to the end here. I think that the injured stormtrooper buckles down behind cover. The last stormtrooper being surrounded just breaks and runs, and Smith and Weathers take them down before they can get away, and the last injured one just keels over at this point. Hank walks up and just kicks them in the head and knocks them out. You are now on this smoking battlefield, and we cut back to Tink. Tink, there are approximately six stormtroopers in cover at the end of the hallway just shooting into this room right now as Neato just… says stuff, and shoots back, just a lot of incomprehensible language at this point. What do you do?

[peppy jazz music starts]

HUDSON: “Neato, run towards them and then slide on your knees. I’ll leapfrog.”

NICK: “Copy that, the old one-two!” And he takes off.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: Kevin looks at you and goes, “What?!”

HUDSON: “Don’t worry, I’ve done this… bef—Don’t worry.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Specialist Talon goes, “I am extremely worried.”

HUDSON: I start running, sprinting.

NICK: Yeah. Neato is already heading down the hallway saying “Time to fade away, friends, before you end up in the hoosegow as I… shoot you, quite a lot.”


HUDSON: I like that.

NICK: Yeah. He’s just firing. His rifle doesn’t fire very fast, but even if he doesn’t hit them bits of their cover disintegrate so they’re rapidly pulling back. As he gets half way down he slides on his knees dramatically and he goes, “Now Tink, take to the skies!”

HUDSON: I’m holding my vibro-axe with one hand and with my other hand I put it on his shoulder and leap over him and go and slash a stormtrooper.

NICK: Yeah. Roll me a Melee attack, and you can have a blue die for being like real cool.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: I almost grabbed two reds.

CAMERON: Yeah, don’t do that.

NICK: I mean, you can if you want.

HUDSON: Two advantages and three successes.

NICK: How much total damage is that?

HUDSON: Plus 3, so that’s 9.

NICK: How many advantages?


NICK: What’s the crit on your axe?


NICK: Would you like to crit?


NICK: Your axe is crit 1?!

HUDSON: Yes, because I have Monomolecular Edge.

NICK: You should crit constantly.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: He often doesn’t get advantages.


HUDSON: Yeah, I don’t get a ton of advantages.

LAURA: Or we’ve forgotten.

CAMERON: Do you have a d100 down there, Hudson?


CAMERON: You may roll your crit.

NICK: Well, if they’re just stormtroopers, you can just kill one if you want.

CAMERON: But it’s more fun to roll a crit.

HUDSON: I wanna see what happens if I crit them!

CAMERON: See what the crit is at least.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Sixty-three.

LAURA: Slightly Dazed: Disoriented until end of encounter.

NICK: That means they have a black die to all their actions. So would you like them to be mildly inconvenienced or would you like to kill them?

HUDSON: I’ll kill them.


NICK: Okay. I’m glad we’ve gone on this journey together. So, yeah, that’s 9 damage. That’s two plus another one for the crit, so you take out three of them just very quickly.

HUDSON: Out of how many?

NICK: Yeah, about that… So, you slash down through one, slash another, and on the backswing you conk one in the head with the butt of your axe, and you look up, and in the time it’s taken you to do that Neato slides the rest of the way into the hallway, just like [long squeak].

HUDSON: Like under my legs? [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] And we get this shot of him rocker posed holding his rifle like he just did a cool power slide with a guitar.

HUDSON: This is ridiculous.

[music fades]

NICK: Yeah. You’re the one who leapfrogged into combat.

LAURA: [laughs]

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: And you’re posed with the axe planted, and then the camera zooms out and shows like 15 stormtroopers in this hallway all aimed at you. Neato stops, and everyone’s just kind of stopped as these three stormtroopers fall to the ground. Neato says, “Tink…? I think we should head back… towards cover.”

HUDSON: “We can take—Ohh.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And I see how many there are. I start running the other direction. I don’t even answer.


NICK: The stormtroopers in unison, you hear a bunch of them go, “Hey!”

Neato goes, ‘Hey yourself!” and shoots one of them, and then we just get this thing of all this blaster fire going as you and Neato run back towards the hallway. So, we cut back to Karma and Xianna and Smith and Weathers and Hank who is gouting sparks out of his chest. You all hear on the coms Neato saying, “We’re under heavy fire over here. A little help would be appreciated.”

CAMERON: I pick up my rocket launcher and I form a cross with it and my sword across my back.

NICK: That is very cool.

CAMERON: I want this for later. [laughs] I’m keeping this rocket launcher.

NICK: [laughs] Smith winks at you. “Yeah, conserving resources, not a bad idea.”

CAMERON: “Well I don’t want anyone else to have it.”

NICK: “Well, and it was our last rocket launcher.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm.”

NICK: So, are you all heading towards Tink and Neato and the rest of the group?

LAURA: Yes. Everyone turns around and Xianna has her blaster in one hand and two grenades in the other. [laughter] She’s like, “Okie, we go.”

CAMERON: “So that one’s still moving though.” Karma points to the sparking, still damaged artillery piece in the bay.

NICK: Yeah. It’s still kind of rolling up the beach.

LAURA: “Yeah, well, I almost drowned, so we did what we did. Let’s go.”

NICK: And as you’re discussing logistics, also your coms are filling with blaster fire, and you know that Tink is not super close, we get a kind of zoomed out shot of all the smoke and fire, and the sky is turning the dark purple of evening at this point, and you all hear this whistling noise, and you look up and you see… it’s gotta be 20 drop pods, Imperial ones, falling in the sky in a synchronized curtain line, each one slightly behind the other, and they are falling directly towards the shield facility. We get this long silence as they shriek in and then you hear the [rapid repeated impact] as they hit, and you see a couple of buildings list and start to fall as they land. Your coms just go haywire with Imperial communications that you can hear and the militia in the area all declaring that they’ve made contact at once and the main shield facility is under attack.

LAURA: Xianna just shouts out, “Okay, I’m just gonna go get Tink. Bye,” and starts running off.

NICK: [smiling] I think that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.


ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 42 Infiltration Station

PDF download: Episode 42 Infiltration Station

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 42:
Infiltration Station

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Not a ton of announcements this week, space friends, just a friendly reminder that if you leave a review for the show on iTunes or back us on Patreon I’ll read your name in the intro and say something nice about you.

Music this week is Susie the Cat – Boss by Checkie Brown and The Third man Theme by Rat City Blues Brass.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 42 of Tabletop Squadron, the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I’m Nick, your host and game master. We’re gonna go around the table, everybody introduce themselves and say who they’re going to be playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh~ Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very smart mouse.

NICK: Oh, I get it.


NICK: Because you’re referencing the classic Douglas Adams novel.

CAMERON: Indeed, I am.

NICK: Wonderful.

HUDSON: Oh—Is that the… little house on a prairie?

NICK: Yep, you got it.


LAURA: Holy shit, Hudson!


LAURA: What?!

HUDSON: [laughing] I was joking.

CAMERON: Okay, that’s Laura Ingalls Wilder.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: And last but not least, we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: I’m Laura and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I was gonna say ‘and thanks for all the fish,’ but I feel like just nothing can go after what Hudson just said,, [laughter] so it doesn’t seem funny anymore.

HUDSON: I ruined it.

LAURA: You did.

NICK: No, you made it best.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: I don’t know…

NICK: So, before we get started with the episode, let’s go ahead and do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: Thank you, Laura!

NICK: Why? What’s wrong with some dark side points?

CAMERON: I just don’t want all dark side points, because we’re actually gonna roll this episode.

NICK: Maybe!

CAMERON: We’re probably gonna get shot at, so we have to roll this episode.

NICK: Maybe.

CAMERON: Probably.

HUDSON: We need more planning time.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: So, jumping into what happened last episode… You walked across town with Neato, found the resistance militia in the city of Sart over by the shield generation complex, came up with a battle plan, decided that Tink was going to split up with a group of engineers to try and do something technology related, and Karma, HK, Xianna, and Smith, and Weathers, the two Sartian Human commandos, were going to try to go behind enemy lines and blow up the enemy artillery and maybe steal one.

CAMERON: Yeah. Let’s steal their cannons.

HUDSON: And Neato’s with me.

NICK: And yup, Tink has Neato. Am I forgetting anything?

CAMERON: The general was not impressed.

NICK: No. General Karthage was not impressed.

HUDSON: We’re an S-Corp, right?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: We are an S-Corp. ADD Enterprises, Afternoon Delight Depot.

NICK: Karma and Xianna and Hank and Smith and Weathers, as they walk into a large white canvas tent, there are weapons racks on the walls, and Smith and Weathers grab a couple of heavy blaster pistols and start slotting them into their belts. Weathers says, “Look, grab anything you think is important.” He grabs a big backpack and starts putting satchel charges in it. “Obviously we’re gonna need these, but the world is your oyster. We’re only getting one shot at this. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, as the general would say.”

CAMERON: “All of y’all, rebreathers, we’re going swimming. HK, not you, no rebreather.”

NICK: “I will not need one as I do not have lungs and I will not be going in the water.”

CAMERON: “Correct. Somebody’s gotta cover our exit.”

NICK: “Okay.”

CAMERON: [laughs] “Thank you for the acknowledgement, HK.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.” Xianna, do you grab anything special? Basically you can ask for any kind of weapon you want and it’s probably in this tent. They have military grade hardware here.

LAURA: Xianna grabs some grenades…

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: …that are already on my character sheet, so I’m just gonna wipe away the little line through them. Ha-ha. Then, some thermal detonators?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Can I have four?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Cool.

CAMERON: Hello, yes, I would like a rocket launcher, please.

NICK: There is one.

CAMERON: Is a rocket launcher Ranged: Heavy?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. [laughs]

HUDSON: But there’s no rockets, just potatoes.

CAMERON: Aw, that’s fine.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, there’s a rocket launcher with one extra rocket. It looks kind of like a stinger missile launcher looks, if you know what that is, but basically it’s a big tube. You know those carpentry angles they use that’s like a metal ruler with a crossbar with the level in it?

CAMERON: Yes. Yeah.

NICK: That’s basically what this rocket launcher looks like, just make it swooshy and silver and blue.

CAMERON: Okay, and if it has an extra rocket then I would have two rockets total?

NICK: Yep, two shots, that’s all they have. There’s a few blank spaces where you can see there were a couple more of these, and Smith walks up and shakes his head. “Yeah, a couple of the other commandos thought they could take out the artillery from the edge of the bay and we never saw them again. I guess it didn’t work since we’re still getting bombarded.”

CAMERON: “Alright, well be on the lookout for those rocket launchers. I would like more rockets if we see them.”

NICK: “Okay. I’ll see what we can do.”

CAMERON: “Just as we’re walking, just keep an eye out.”

NICK: HK looks at the walls and says, “Evaluation: I have no need for these organic weapons as I am already fully equipped.” His gun barrel spins a little bit in his hands and then he just kind of goes back to standing there. They all grab rebreathers. Do you want anything else?

CAMERON: Do they have any visual equipment?

NICK: They’ve got like electro-binoculars and stuff.

CAMERON: Yeah, let’s grab a pair of binoculars.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Just for viewing.

NICK: Xianna already has her scanner goggles.

LAURA: Yes. Xianna’s also like, on some of her pockets that, sometimes you can see the pocket, sometimes you can’t, but it looks like she’s zipping some of the pockets up. Heh. Although I guess zippers don’t really exist in Star Wars.

NICK: She’s just running her fingers along them and they’re sealing, however that works.

LAURA: She’s sealing her pockets in some way.

CAMERON: She’s closing up the Ziploc on all of her pockets. [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah, she’s sealing them because she does not want the granola bars in her pockets to get damp.

CAMERON: That would be gross.

NICK: Yeah, her concern is the granola bars.

LAURA: Well yeah.


LAURA: And also all the drugs.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: You know, and the binders. You don’t want them rusting.

CAMERON: And you don’t want the fuzzy binders to get wet.

LAURA: Yeah, because it’s really hard to dry them and not get the fur matted in a weird way. If you’ve ever thrown a fuzzy blanket into the dryer and it gets matted it’s just never fun.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, you trot back outside. Weathers has his backpack with satchel charges, he’s got his two pistols and his carbine, he looks pretty much set to go. Smith has the same general load out but he doesn’t have a back pack on. They slap a couple of scout helmets on, so they’re the ones that have the plasteel rings and then the soft cover on the top, because that makes sense for a helmet.


NICK: It’s Star Wars. It’s like the ones that they wore on Endor. They buckle them on and they don’t salute, but they stiffen straightly like they were going to salute and then remember that you’re not the boss of them. “Alright. What’s the plan?” We’re gonna cut away to Tink and Neato as they walk into this very large shield generator facility.

So, the whole facility, Tink, is metal gangplanks and ladders, and there’s a big, glowing electric core that’s in the middle. It’s got spinning concentric rings in a blue-green light in the middle. It’s some sort of reactor. You can see 70s style computer panels lining it at various levels. You can see a group of engineering looking types a few levels up on one of these gangplanks. You can’t hear them over the hum of the generator, but they’re obviously having an argument and pointing at it. Neato says, “Well, it looks like it’s time to go find us some patsies, chum.”

HUDSON: “Alright. They look patsy enough to me.”

NICK: “Lead on, McDuff.”

HUDSON: I walk up the stairs toward the engineers, and when I get close enough I say, “Alright twerps, we’re going in!”

NICK: “Hey…! What? Who are you?”

HUDSON: “Sorry, sorry, bad start. I’m Tink, and—“

NICK: ‘The Gigoran slicer~’


HUDSON: ‘I’m Tink, the Gigoran slicer~!’

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “I’m Tink. As you can see, I’m a Gigoran, not a Wookie, a Gigoran. Get it right.”

NICK: ‘I thought he was a Woo—“ “Shut up, man!”

HUDSON: “Nope. Nope.”

CAMERON: [whispering] White Wookie. White Wookie.

HUDSON: “I’m a Gigoran, and I’m a slicer, and I’m here to recruit the cream of the crop to help us on our mission!”

NICK: Well, I don’t know about that. our job is to keep the generator running so we don’t get bombed into our component atoms from orbit.”

HUDSON: “That was your job. Now it’s not.”

NICK: “Under whose orders?”

HUDSON: “Neato?”

NICK: “… What?”

HUDSON: “Tell them whose orders it’s under.”

NICK: “Yeah! It’s under the orders of the main fizz bang, the leader, the generalissimo.”

“… What?”

“General Karthage. She said we can take two of you on a mission that totally won’t result in our impending demise.”

HUDSON: “Who wants to come~?”

NICK: “My job is to replace the batteries…” It’s a very small person with big, thick glasses that was talking, and he climbs into an air vent and disappears.

HUDSON: “Not you, punk! Oh—They’re gone.”

NICK: So you’re left with three engineers. They’re all Human. There is a very skinny, lanky man with blonde hair and what looks like he’s trying to grow a mustache but it won’t grow out. He’s the one that was talking to you originally. There is a very, very pale man with long, long, long dark hair that goes down to his waist. He is studiously studying his fingertips and won’t make eye contact with you. Someone shoves him to the side and says, “I volunteer.” There is an average height woman wearing what looks like padded scientific armor, so it’s like battle armor but it has extra pockets and things and you can see technology stuck in different places. ‘If we’re finally gonna push the Imperials out of our city, I want in.” She starts to salute, realizes none of you are military and stops. She grabs the guy with the wispy mustache and says, “So is he!”

“Wha–? Uh… Crap.” [chuckles]

HUDSON: “As Neato would say, I like your moxie!”

NICK: ‘Yes! They’re mo—Aww, you beat me to it.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: So, she straps on a helmet and says, “Specialist Talon reporting for duty, and this is Specialist Kevin.”


NICK: “Yep. My name’s Matt Kevin. Thank you. It’s a family name.”

HUDSON: “It’s a… It’s a name.”

NICK: “Well, I guess you said you said you needed two. That’s us. We’ll just leave the other two here. Hopefully the generator won’t explode.”

HUDSON: “Get some pep in your step. Come on.”

NICK: “That’s MY line!”

HUDSON: “Listen, you’re rubbing off on me.”

NICK: “We could sit here bumping gums all day, but we found ourselves a real button man, a real ringer. We’re gonna go out there and take it to the Imperials.”

Specialist Talon goes, ‘Umm… What?” She looks at Tink.

HUDSON: “Listen. Neato’s gonna say stuff, and you won’t always understand it, but just know it’s 110% positive energy.”

NICK: “Either way, grab your heaters and let’s go!”

She says, “What?”

“Heaters. Your boom sticks. Your death dealers.”

“Oh, my gun?”

“Yeah! Grab your heaters!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: She goes and she grabs what looks like two service pistols off of a workbench and tosses one to Specialist Kevin who almost drops it but slots it into what looks like a work belt that just happens to have a pocket that fits a blaster pistol in. Talon says, “Okay, we’re ready to go, but you still haven’t said where we’re going or what we’re doing.” And we’re gonna cut back to Karma, Xianna, and HK. Did you all leave the camp?

LAURA: Probably.


NICK: Alright. You’re walking, or I would assume you’re like hustling through the alleyways.

CAMERON: Yeah. We’re doing the video game run while you squat so that no one sees you.

NICK: Yeah, from cover to cover, and covering each other, right?

CAMERON: Yeah. Doing all sorts of weird hand signals.

NICK: There’s just a lot of waist-high walls that you can dramatically slam your backs against into and then peek over for cover.

LAURA: There’s definitely a shot of someone doing an actual hand signal of ‘okay, two of us are gonna move ahead,’ and then Xianna looks to everyone and does a hand symbol and then moves, and everyone’s like ‘that didn’t mean anything. Right?’

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs] ‘Wait. Where is she going?’

LAURA: ‘I’m pretty sure that was something highly inappropriate she just did. What?!’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Weathers goes, “Was that aimed at us, or is she just talking about her plans after this?”

CAMERON: “Definitely the plans after this. Come on.”

NICK: ‘Oh, okay.” They take off.

You’re hustling through these alleyways and HK says, “Tactical Evaluation: We are beginning to approach enemy incursions. What is the plan?”

CAMERON: “So we need to get to the cannons. We need to get behind the line and then go take a swim.”

LAURA: “Are we going to sneak past them or shoot our way through? My vote is sneak, but um…”

CAMERON: “I mean… I like sneak, killing if necessary. I would like to not draw more troops to this area.”

NICK: So, Weathers jogs up, and you’re peeking around a corner, and you’re beginning to see single scouts riding swoop bikes around. They’re a lot closer than they were before. Weathers ducks back around the corner. “So, are you planning on swimming with that rocket launcher, or…?”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “Okay… if that’s the plan.” Go ahead and roll me a Stealth check, please.

HUDSON: First roll in the last two and a half hours of this campaign!


NICK: Hey, you know, we’re telling stories here… and sometimes I forget the dice exist.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I’m gonna start making you roll Education to understand what Neato’s slang means.


LAURA: What was the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be hard. You are trying to get past military patrols. Also, I wanna flip a dark side point. Upgrade that difficulty for me, please. Two purples and a red.

CAMERON: Okay. Can I give us a blue die? I can see heat signatures through walls with my scope on my blaster.

LAURA: And I have scanner goggles.

CAMERON: To assist with just avoiding things around corners and stuff.

NICK: Let’s do it this way. You won’t have the blue die, but if you with your heat scope and Xianna with her scanner goggles are taking point and telling people when to go and not go, I won’t make the other three roll.

CAMERON: Okay. That seems fair.

NICK: Because HK will absolutely fail that check.

CAMERON: Yeah, okay.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: Does that seem like a fair trade?


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Karma has three successes and one advantage.

LAURA: One success, one advantage.

[smooth digital jazz music starts]

NICK: Nice. You are pretty capable of getting around these stormtrooper patrols. They are not expecting a small unit to be moving towards them. They’re expecting organized and large resistance. So, describe to me you sneaking as a group past several patrols of troops in quick succession.

CAMERON: As you mentioned, HK is not sneaky, so I think it’s Xianna and Karma are being incredibly sneaky and talented and moving like ghosts, and Smith and Weathers have a lot of training, they’re doing good at the same time. We keep getting lucky with like, a loud noise happens as HK clunks across an alley or something. We have to walk on metal where his metal feet would make a lot of noise, but stormtroopers are walking past at the same time so the feet sounds, like…

LAURA: Or timing it to a cannon blast, or just doing that really typical thing of Xianna picks up a rock on the ground and throws it so the stormtroopers look a different direction so that they can have HK just walk by.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Heh. Okay. You do that. You end up… The bay is surrounded by a wide boulevard, and there’s a low brick wall, and then sandy sloping beaches that go down to this quiet bay. You notice that you’re able to get to the far side of this road and you are in a small café up against the walls behind a shattered window, and you all crouch, and you get a call directly to your com units from HK so it’s not out loud but you can hear it. “Irritated Statement: We’ve been doing a lot of sneaking and not a lot of ventilating organics.”

LAURA: “Well—[exhales] Hank, you have to sneak first and then kill later.”

CAMERON: “If you had a sword this wouldn’t be an issue. Swords are quiet, as long as the screaming doesn’t—You know, swords aren’t that quiet, but swords have the ability to be quiet whereas your blaster does not.”

LAURA: “Wait. Karma, do your swords scream?”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Swords are pretty quiet I feel like.”

CAMERON: “No. I was more talking the people that you were… stabbing.”

NICK: “Verification: Vibro-blades do make an extremely high-pitched whining noise.”

CAMERON: “But it’s—“

LAURA: “Okay, but would you classify that as like a scream?”

CAMERON: “And it’s still quieter than a blaster.”

NICK: HK just kind of bobbles his head like ‘yeah, I guess you got a point.’

[music fades out]

You look up over this shattered windowsill and you see that two of these sort of modified artillery platforms have actually made beach landing and the other three are probably still 100 meters out in the water but are slowly moving forward, so these are slowly grinding their way up the beach. They’re maybe going like 3 kilometers an hour. It’s not very fast, but they are moving and then pausing to fire periodically. From here, the noise of them firing is extremely loud. It leaves your ear cones ringing, Xianna, and people with ears, they are ringing. HK’s audio receptors are ringing. Whatever.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: The phones are ringing. The bells are ringing. Everything is ringing.

NICK: Yeah. It’s very ringy. So, you’re able to see that these artillery platforms, two of them have made beach fall. There are probably about ten stormtroopers scattered around. They’re more focused on trying to make sure that the sand doesn’t gum up the repulsers. It has a full contingent of repulsers that you would see a star ship using, but they seem to be misfiring, not at full power, and they’re barely keeping these things off the ground at all. if there is a sand castle, this thing will crush the sand castle because it is too low. So, Weathers ducks back down, you can see sweat streaming down his face, and he says, “So, we’re here. You gonna use that rocket launcher and then we run, or what?”

CAMERON: “Yes. Okay, let’s split up the explosives, because they’re all in the backpack right now. Everybody take some. These are to blow up the ones in the water. We split.”

NICK: “Okay.” They pass them out. There’s enough for everybody to have two. Do you give some to HK too?

LAURA: Well, we don’t want him to feel left out.

CAMERON: “HK, do you want some? You could go place them somewhere on land.”

NICK: HK looks at you all. One of his optical sensors blinks out and then blinks back on. “Humorous Laugh: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.”

CAMERON: “Okay, so that’s a no. Alright.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Oh, yes? It’s a yes?”

NICK: “Yes. Please give me the explosives.”

CAMERON: “Oh okay.”

NICK: “I will take all of the explosives.”

CAMERON: “No, not all of them. We need some, too. Sharing is caring, buddy. We’ve talked about this.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Here you go. Here are your bombs.”

NICK: “Ha, ha, ha.” He straps them to his waist.

CAMERON: “Okay. We do need to work on your evil laugh. We can work on that later. Alright, so you three,” she says pointing at Xianna, Smith, and Weathers, “if y’all wanna go take the farthest two of the water ships and blow those up, as soon as I fire this rocket launcher they’re going to know where I am, so if y’all wanna get in the water now before everyone turns around and looks at me, that might be a good move. I will try to take out the two on land and then swim to the one in the middle.”

LAURA: “Okie.” How far are we from the water?

NICK: It’s probably 30 yards of beach.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: No one is particularly looking at you all, and you are not directly in the path. You’re able to get further off to the side. I would either need another Stealth check or a force die roll on is anyone looking at you.

LAURA: I’ll do another Stealth.

NICK: Okay. It’s the same difficulty. It’s hard, with—How many dark side points do I still have?


NICK: Yeah, we’ll flip that again.

LAURA: I don’t fall prone, so we’re good there.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LAURA: Four successes and a threat.

NICK: And a threat. Just one threat?

LAURA: Just one singular threat.

NICK: One lonely threat.

LAURA: The water is very cold.


LAURA: Xianna sneaks onto the beach and then starts getting into the water and then just yells back as she starts running back up the beach. “No it is too cold! Too cold! No, no, no!”

CAMERON: [giggling] I was gonna say your head tails shrink.

NICK: [groaning and laughing] That’s not how those work.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs] That’s only Sabos’s.

NICK: Ugh…

CAMERON: [laughs] Ew.

NICK: So for your threat we’ll say Xianna and Weathers and Smith all run down the beach, you dive in. Xianna, as you dive in, the water hits your rebreather that you have tucked into your mouth and you take your first breath and it tastes very ozoney as you breathe in.

LAURA: Yeah, yeah, okay. Cool.

NICK: Like, the balance is maybe off on it or they hadn’t scrubbed the filters, I’m sure it’ll be fine, as you swim deeper into the water, but you’re able to make it all the way through with no problems. So Karma, did you stay on land and then you were gonna shoot the rocket?

CAMERON: For the moment, yes.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: “Okay, HK, I need you to serve as a distraction.”

NICK: “Affirmative.”

CAMERON: Okay. You said that there were two that were coming up on land? They were kind of slowly making their way up the beach?

NICK: Yeah.


NICK: And the other three are approaching land, they’re just further out.

CAMERON: They’re just still in the water. Okay. “So what I wanna do, I’mma need to shoot one of these and then I’m gonna need to reload the rocket launcher before I can get to the second one, so I will shoot the far one, then if you could lay cover fire while I get the reload happening I’ll shoot the second one.

NICK: “Affirmative. Would you like my tactical placement in the same building or just setup a crossfire?”

CAMERON: “Probably crossfire.”

NICK: “Affirmative.” And he just takes off. He runs out of the building. He stays pretty low, he’s pretty quiet. Xianna, you can still hear, over the coms you hear a crackle of “Tactical Statement: Give me 45 seconds to create a crow’s nest.” You see him start climbing up an interior building staircase.

CAMERON: I think we probably patched Smith and Weathers into our group coms as well so that when they’re in the water they’re not accidentally blowing up one of the cannons while the other person is still right next to it.

NICK: Yeah. From Smith and Weathers you just hear, [long inhale] bubble-bubble-bubble.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Because you can’t talk underwater, that’s hard, but they can hear.

CAMERON: Yup, but they can hear.

NICK: Yeah. We’re gonna cut back to Neato, Tink, Talon and Kevin. So, you are leaving the military camp and Neato says, “So, what was the schematic again? What’s the plan? What’s the fizz bang? What’s the wizzle-wozzle?”

HUDSON: “I was hoping that we could collaborate on that.”

NICK: “Not inspiring a heaping helping of confidence there, chum.”

HUDSON: “What I meant to say was, we’re going in!”

NICK: “What does going in mean, exactly?”

HUDSON: “Well, I’m glad you asked, I was ready for this moment. What we’re gonna do is jam their communications, Step 1. Step 2, shut down all of their weapon systems. Step 3, profit.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Kevin goes, “Man, I like the profit part. Are we privatizing here? What’s going on?”

HUDSON: “We’re an incorporation as I might have mentioned earlier.”

NICK: “S-Corp, right?”

HUDSON: “yes. Yes!”

NICK: “Okay.” [laughs]

HUDSON: “You could be a part of it too if this goes off well.”

NICK: “Nah, this is starting to sound a little pyramid schemey.”

HUDSON: “if you want to come to my house I’ll talk to you about Tupperware, but now is not the time.”

NICK: [laughs] Talon says, “Hey, if we could focus, we’re going into a life or death situation here. If your goal is to try to attack the electronic infrastructure of the Empire, the only bet we have is the technological sector to the west of the bay. I’m assuming that’s where you’re taking us.”

HUDSON: “Yes, that’s exactly where I’m taking you and you’re actually incorrect; life, death or purgatory are the three options.”

NICK: [laughs] Talon and Kevin fall into step behind you and Neato, Tink, and Neato says, “Alright, let’s get to stepping, chums,” and you take off into the city. Are you trying to be sneaky? Are you trying to be fast? What is your plan here, Tink?

HUDSON: We’re trying to be fast and sneaky!

NICK: Alright, roll me a Stealth check, then.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It’s hard. Flip me my last dark side point there.

HUDSON: You’re right it’s hard.

NICK: God damn it. That was good! [subtly sarcastic]

HUDSON: So it’s a red?

NICK: Two purple and a red, but what we’ll do is I’ll give you a blue die for Neato being with you, because he is very good at this and he is used to being with people who are not as good as him, namely Talon and Kevin, so he’ll help you compensate.

HUDSON: Hold on, I gotta parse this…

NICK: [chuckles]

HUDSON: A triumph with two advantages. [laughs]

NICK: Yep… Well… Um, good. Great. Okay… So, with your triumph, would you like to spend the triumph that you see them before they see you?


NICK: Okay. You are running along this alley and Neato stops to help Specialist Kevin get up after he’s tripped, and he turns and he goes, “Wait, that alley has an ambush.”


[slow plucky music starts, turns into peppy jazz]

NICK: You turn around and there’s four stormtroopers who are setup with sandbags and guns in the alley that you turned down. They’re not touching their guns, they’re leaning against a wall talking. That’s the triumph, so they don’t just shoot you in the face immediately. But yeah, we’re gonna need you to go ahead and roll initiative. You’ll get one action before they start doing stuff. The current layout, you’re in the head of an alley, they see you, they’re not next to their weapons. You’ve got Specialist Talon right behind you and then Neato and Specialist Kevin are about 20 meters behind you.

HUDSON: So Vigilance?

NICK: Yep.


CAMERON: What do the other buddies need to roll?

NICK: Neato is two yellows and a green.

HUDSON: Three successes and an advantage, unless there’s difficulty, which I don’t think there is in initiatives.

NICK: Nope, there isn’t.


CAMERON: Neato has four successes, one advantage.

NICK: Oh shit. The two kiddos are both a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Kiddo 1 is two successes, one advantage.

NICK: We’ll just have them both go on that one.

CAMERON: Okay. What are stormtroopers?

NICK: There’s four of them, so… These are shore troopers, so two yellows and a green. They’ll go as a group.

CAMERON: Three successes.

NICK: Ooh boy. Neato goes first, then Tink, then stormtroopers, then the kiddos. Alright, so Neato goes, “Wait, there’s an ambush down there!” and like drops Kevin, because he was half holding him up, just lets him go, he falls flat on his face. He goes running around the corner and he does a baseball slide and pulls his rifle up and goes to shoot between you and Talon and try to hit them. I’m going to need three yellows. It’s an average difficulty, because he’s medium range, but add a black die because he’s shooting through his friends and doing a super cool thing.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Can he aim for a blue die?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: Two successes, one threat.


NICK: So, his rifle does, we’ll say it does 10. He shoots through two of them and they disintegrate into dust, and he keeps sliding and slams up into the wall of it, because he basically bet it all on being able to do that before anything happened. “Take that, you Imperial fucks.”

[snickering and laughter]

NICK: It’s Tink’s turn.

HUDSON: Alright.

NICK: The stormtroopers are currently scrambling towards their weapons. Two of them are dust.

HUDSON: As I am very skilled in melee, is there any way I can get around them to get behind them?

NICK: They’re like in a dead end alley with cover lined up, but you’re at medium range, so you could go medium to short and short to engaged if you spend a strain to do a double maneuver, so you could get right up on them. Behind them, not so much, but you could get within melee range of them.

HUDSON: That’s fine. I would like to get within melee range of them.

NICK: Okay. So, describe how you sprint down this alley at these dudes.

HUDSON: So, scream at the top of my friggin’ lungs, run with my axe in the air, and go and whack one of them.

NICK: Okay. Do you like jump over the cover or just stand in front of it and do a long swing?

HUDSON: I jump over—You said the cover, you mean like the sandbags or whatever?

NICK: Yeah, yeah.

HUDSON: I jump over the sandbags, do a summersault, and then whack sideways.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Nice. Okay.

HUDSON: So I took a strain.

NICK: Yep. That’s fine. So, go ahead and do your attack then. Difficulty is average. You know, you would think that stormtroopers would have Melee Defense considering that they’re usually fighting technologically inferior planets to them. That’s why the Ewoks wrecked them so bad, because they have no melee defense.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: Three failures and three advantages.


NICK: Huh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I’m gonna be honest. I thought this fight was gonna be over very quickly. Um…

HUDSON: Not quite. I get captured, apparently.


NICK: So, you fail. You try to hit them and they just are actually pretty good at hand-to-hand combat. The two of them spread out so they’re on either side of you.

CAMERON: It’s hand-to-axe combat.

NICK: Hand-to-axe combat, my bad.

HUDSON: [snickers]

LAURA: Get it right.


NICK: Gosh! There’s a whole chapter about hand-to-axe combat in Edge of the Empire. [laughs]

CAMERON: Exactly.

NICK: So, they spread out. One of them gets behind you and basically just interferes with your swings as you try to attack, and they work really well as a team. It’s like they’re some sort of trained military unit or something. Who’da thunk? Now it’s the stormtroopers turn, and they are going to shoot at you a whole bunch.

HUDSON: Bring it.

NICK: They’re a green and a yellow. It’s easy difficulty because he’s at engaged range to them, and they have carbines so they don’t lose difficulty for being that close. They’re gonna aim… Yep.

CAMERON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Well, that’s 10 damage, Tink.

HUDSON: [pain groans]

NICK: They just pepper you with bullets. Don’t forget to subtract your soak.

HUDSON: Oh, thank you.

NICK: You’re welcome.

HUDSON: Wait, 10 damage, so I get 7 damage, so 10 is what’s left. Ugh.

NICK: Yeah, that’s bad. Don’t charge gunning placements with an axe and no armor maybe, but also keep doing it because it makes me happy as a GM.

HUDSON: Alright!

NICK: Yeah! So, they shoot you a bunch, and the two specialists are just like ‘ahh, what are we gonna do,’ because their thinking is if you and Neato die they’re stuck behind enemy lines without really any idea of what’s going on.

HUDSON: Typical specialist.

NICK: [laughs] Right. So, Specialist Kevin ducks behind a corner and takes cover and doesn’t do anything.

CAMERON: [huffs]

NICK: Talon draws her blaster pistol and runs up to close range with them and ducks behind a crate, so she uses her maneuver to take cover, and she pops up and she shoots at the stormtroopers. She yells, “Tink, get down!” and starts spraying.

HUDSON: I get down.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Get down tonight~

NICK: [laughs] So she is a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: Dang. How much does a light blaster do, 5?

LAURA: Five.

NICK: Aw, she almost gets two. So, she shoots and she hits the one that was about to shoot Tink again in the back of the head, and the stormtrooper just drops and there’s just one left. It is Neato’s turn again, and we just get a shot of, he’s still leaning against the wall, he brings his blaster rifle back up, and we get the slow motion deep breathing and heartbeat noise, the [heart beats, pulsing, laser fire] and he shoots the last stormtrooper, hopefully.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages?

NICK: Dang! That last stormtrooper, Tink, you start to duck when Specialist Talon yells at you to duck and you’re singing some sort of anachronistic disco-related song while doing it, and Neato, the bolt from his disrupter rifle almost parts the fur on the top of your head and hits the stormtrooper. He gauged how fast you were ducking and fired to hit as soon as you were out of the way. The stormtrooper, you get a second of him going “Ahhh” and you lock eyes through the helmet of this stormtrooper, and then you watch from the chest out as he just turns to a hollow yellow outline of himself, and then that dissipates and then there’s a small cloud of dust and the stormtrooper is gone.

Neato stands up and says, “Wow, you’re one tough cookie, Tink. I haven’t seen somebody take that many blaster bolts since the Clone Wars.”

HUDSON: “I sure can take a blaster to me.”

NICK: “That’s not something to be proud of, friend.”

HUDSON: “Oh, I mean, like I’m resilient.”

NICK: “Right, well uh, maybe next time don’t get shot.” He pats you on the shoulder where you’ve been shot and it hurts.

HUDSON: [groans]

NICK: “Alright. Maybe I should take point,” and you continue to jog off. We get a time lapse circle wipe, and Tink and the specialists and Neato all are jogging up the steps and it looks like a university building. As you go in Specialist Talon says, “Yeah, I used to go to school here. The government equipment is on the second floor.” You jog up and you find basically slicer heaven. There’s a whole bunch of terminals and signal boosters and everything that you could use.

CAMERON: Beanbag chairs.

NICK: Beanbag chairs. Talon says, “We can run support for you. we have signal interceptors and broadcasters up on the roof of the building. You can control them all from here. It’s your go. What are we gonna do?”

HUDSON: I look like a kid in a candy shop. I look around, and I try to figure out what to do first.

NICK: Heh. There’s a bunch of terminals but one big master terminal with an extra-large screen.

HUDSON: I go to that one.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Yeah. It’s password locked.

HUDSON: “I can get through this one,” as I roll for hacking.


HUDSON: What difficulty is it to get into this computer?

NICK: Hard. It’s a pretty decent system.

HUDSON: Before I do that, outlaw data breaker adds two blue dice for me. I’m just making sure I don’t have anything else I can use…

NICK: This is a security defense system, but that just removes black dice I think.

HUDSON: Exactly.

NICK: And I didn’t give you any because you’re in hacker heaven.

HUDSON: Five successes, one advantage.

NICK: Oh. Yeah, you’re in. you just make it look easy. You plug your data breaker in and run a routine and turn to talk strategy with Neato and it just runs in the background. You don’t even have to think about it.


NICK: Neato says, “So, you’re going for the old electronic warfare. Not really my cup of tea, but I’m sure you can figure it out. If you could turn off the weapon systems, great. If you can interfere with the star destroyer up above, even better.”

HUDSON: “Listen. Did you even hear my plan? What was the first step?”

NICK: “I’ll admit that I only paid attention to Step 3.”

HUDSON: “Talon?”

NICK: [Neato] “Kill the Imperials!”

HUDSON: “That’s not—Talon, what was the rest, what was the first step of my plan?”

NICK: “Step 1 was take down their communication.”

HUDSON: “Correct. You get a gold star.”

NICK: “Step 2 was take down their weapon systems.”

HUDSON: “Yup.”

NICK: “Step 3 was…”

She looks at Neato and he says, “Profit~!”

HUDSON: [laughs] “That is all correct! You all get high-fives from me.”

NICK: As you say that, the password lock screen disappears off the terminal behind you and says ‘Welcome, master user.’

HUDSON: “Score.”

NICK: [laughs] And we are going to cut back to the beach. So, we get a sweeping overhead shot of these buildings that have been combed and burned out, but you can still see the hint of the idyllic city that they were before. Laying on top of a building a couple of blocks over from Karma is Hank. He is down on his front with the sniper rifle posted up on the top of the building. You can see that the rotating barrels of his rifle have retracted in and the main barrel has extended out quite a bit. There isn’t a scope on it that you can see, but there is a glowing, looks like Kit from Nightrider, a yellow progress bar that’s going up the front of the rifle and disappears and just is continually doing that, and Hank’s ocular receptors are turned off. He is aimed towards the stormtroopers. The camera zooms down to Karma who has her rocket launcher aimed out of the shattered window at these weapons platforms and the stormtroopers outside. Then it zooms to underwater where Xianna and Weathers and Smith are all swimming and are just now starting to approach the other weapons platforms. The swim wasn’t too long because they’re also moving towards you. Xianna, what are you doing?

LAURA: Swimming~

NICK: Kay. So you approach these weapons platforms, and…?

LAURA: So, the thermal detonators, would we be able to just place them like right above the water line and they work, or how high up would we need to place a detonator for it to be effective?

NICK: Do we think thermal detonators in this universe work like they do in some of the books where they’re actually nuclear warheads or do we think they work like they do in the video games where they’re just reasonably effective grenades?

LAURA: Por qué no los dos?

NICK: Small nuclear warheads. Affirmative. Okay. Yeah, you could put them like on the water line or even underneath and they would work. Underneath the explosion wouldn’t be as big, but you would assume it would rupture something.

CAMERON: Make it sink at least.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: You could also roll me a Skulduggery check to…

LAURA: Figure out the best placement?

NICK: Yep.

LAURA: I can do that.

CAMERON: While she’s putting that together, I still have wounds from when we fell. Yes?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. You all have those wounds.


NICK: You didn’t, like, go see a medic or anything.

CAMERON: Just verifying.


NICK: I’m actually surprised Xianna didn’t just whip out the stim pack. She usually does.

LAURA: Well no, because it heals 5 wounds and she only has 3, so that’s not an effective use of a stim pack.

NICK: [laughs]


LAURA: Despite being Xianna, she still sometimes is pragmatic and understands resource management.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: That’s very efficiency minded of you.

LAURA: What was the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. You’re trying to take out military grade hardware.

LAURA: Okay! [laughter]

NICK: I mean, you all are all at the point where if I’m having you do the thing you’re good at it doesn’t really matter what difficulty I set because you’re probably going to succeed.

LAURA: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Yeah, so you’re able to designate where to put these thermal detonators on these weapons platforms. I think with the thermal detonators you’re able to easily assure that two of these artillery things are well covered with that and the satchel charges. Are you hoping to stop them from moving or straight sink them?

LAURA: Straight sink them.

NICK: Yeah. You’d be able to, with 100% surety, sink two of them. The third one, you have some satchel charges and stuff left over but you’re not sure if it’s enough to actually take it down, between the three of you.

LAURA: Okay. I guess we’re going to completely destroy two and then do what we can with the third.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to do that. You can actually see as you’re doing this, we get the view of the three of you splitting up and placing your charges, I think Xianna takes point as far as pointing at where everything goes, and you can see that there’s a very clear line from where the water of the bay is very deep and where the beach begins, and if they cross that, even if you sink them, they’re gonna stay above water enough that they can still bombard the city and you’re rapidly approaching that line. So, as you get to the third one you’re able to put some on there, and then the choice is either to swim out of the blast range of when you set these off or stick around and try to arrange them just so on the third one to try to sink it, and I think you probably decide to swim away, right, so you don’t explode??


NICK: So, you wave them off and they look at you like ‘no, we can fix it,’ and you wave them off. We get a lot of frantic underwater gesticulation. You swim to the deeper water and you get out of the blast range, and we get this three-part panel of Xianna and her two hunky commandos treading water and all three of them are holding detonators and they’re counting down on their fingers from five, and Karma with her rocket launcher and it’s got a scope that’s blinking and the light goes red and she has it locked on one, and Hank has his rifle trained on a stormtrooper and the targeting reticle blinks red, and Tink cracking his fingers in front of this master computer and saying ‘alright, let’s make some problems…’ and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: … Leeloo!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 41 Not That Kind of Parade Ground

PDF download: Episode 41 Not That Kind of Parade Ground

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 41:
Not That Kind of Parade Ground

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Okay team, let’s get to it. First of all, we have a new Patron. Carter Mckendry, welcome to the ship. It’s been really fun talking to you on our Discord and you’re a super cool person. We greatly appreciate the support.

Also, our Twitter dice bag giveaway concluded this week. Congratulations to @JSmartPig, @RoyalBlade4, and @mboing. If you haven’t already, send the @Tabletop_Squad account a DM and we’ll organize delivery for you. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with your favorite Tabletop Squadron moments. The squad and I scrolled through and read them all, and they totally made our weeks. We were so happy to hear from everyone. While the dice bags are spoken for, please don’t hesitate to reach out and tell us your favorite moments anyway. We all love talking to people about the show.

Without further ado, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 41 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Good to see you. It rained for 20 seconds earlier and now it’s done. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody say who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played go ahead and let the listeners know what you spent that on. We’re gonna start off with Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I put my points into Coordination. I remembered.

NICK: [laughs] Good work.

LAURA: So, I got another rank in Coordination, an Agility-based stat.

NICK: Now you can do those sweet flips.


NICK: Great. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. For my XP I bought a dedication talent on my Skip Tracer tree…

NICK: Ohh…

CAMERON: …so I upped my Agility to a 4.

NICK: Nice. So now you shoot real, real, real good.


NICK: Awesome. And up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. With my XP I didn’t do nothin’, fool, because I HODL’ed.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: What?! [laughs]

NICK: No one—I hope no one gets that reference.

LAURA: I also hope you know that it’s a known meme now that you hold all your experience points and hoard it, and people will be like ‘what is he hoarding it for~?’

NICK: There’s all sorts of theories on the Discord about what you’ve been saving up for.

HUDSON: Is there really?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: I feel like you’re not, though. You just occasionally are like ‘guys, I have 50 XP, what should I buy?’ You’re not hoarding it for a specific thing. You’re like, I just need to keep it, it’s mine.

LAURA: How many XP do you have right now?

HUDSON: Twenty.

LAURA: Okay.

HUDSON: So, that’s an okay amount to hold, because the next time I can get a big stat.


NICK: Hudson, Hudson… HODL.




NICK: [smiling] Alright. Before we get into the recap, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no. [laughs]

NICK: I win! I win the Star Wars… So, things that happened last episode: Xianna landed in a burning neighborhood. HK-67 started acting weird, but seems to have gone back to “normal,” I’m making air quotes. Karma splashed down in a bay…


NICK: …and shot the heck out of an Imperial sniper, taking their com link for tactical reasons. Tink was ambushed by a squad of stormtroopers and began to fight back but was rescued by Neato, the orange Rodian mercenary. The entire squad was able to meet up again and is headed for the shield facility on the far side of the city. Am I missing anything?

HUDSON: This is the same shield facility that’s in the Avengers, right?



HUDSON: Okay, then we’re not missing anything.

NICK: Okay. Thank you.

CAMERON: Karma did get an awesome photo of Tink and Neato doing the movie poster pose.

NICK: Yes, a very fair point. We have a beautiful movie poster style vista of Tink clutching demurely at Neato’s leg.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Anyway. Yeah, fan artists, get at us. So, we open on the squad hiking through the destroyed streets of Sart. Ahead, in the distance, we see a pulsing column of blue-green light that pierces the sky, aimed towards the shield protecting the city from orbital bombardment, but also trapping the people within. As the crew climbs over an abandoned barricade of blasted out speeders, Neato stands on top of the obstacle and offers a hand to help everyone over. “Well now, watch your slippers there, chums.”

CAMERON: “How many people you got here, Neato?”

NICK: “I spend most of my time doing guerilla work back behind the scenes, you know, doing the old shadow foot one-two, but probably about 50 or 60.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Is that including us already?”

NICK: “No.”

CAMERON: “It is including you, though?”

NICK: “Always including me.”

CAMERON: “Alright. Cool. Just checking.”

HUDSON: “Neato, who’s in charge around here?”

NICK: “You’re asking who’s in charge? That’s who I’m taking you to go see, the militia general. She’s a tough customer, but she’s been keeping her people together this whole time. You’ll like her. Her name’s General Karthage.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “You’ll see her here in a minute, I would imagine.”

LAURA: “Wait, so, but why do we have to go see her?”

NICK: “Let’s do a little bit of cause and effect, see. You want me to work for you. I won’t leave until this fight is over. We gotta finish up the hootenanny, don’t you remember?”

LAURA: “Okay, but you would not be working for us, you would be working alongside us on a different crew for our same employer. We would be coworkers.”

NICK: “I’m not particularly worried about your corporate structure. You won’t get me off this planet until we’ve kicked the Imperials to the galactic curb.”

LAURA: “I don’t think we are incorporated.”

HUDSON: “Incorpor—Did… Who—Did I do the paperwork? Karma?”

CAMERON: “Yeah?”

HUDSON: “Are we an S-Corp or a C-Corp?”

LAURA: “We’re not incorporated!”


HUDSON: “I swear I incorporated us.”

LAURA: “Wait. What? I did not sign any paperwork.”

NICK: “That’s some real business savvy.”

CAMERON: “Are we on the board?”

LAURA: “Or am I am employee? Because I did not… [exhales]”

CAMERON: “You filled out the stuff.”

HUDSON: “You’re not on the board.”

CAMERON: “Why would I know?”

HUDSON: “Listen. I’m the business mind here, so I put myself on the board. I’m also acting president, vice president, and secretary.”

CAMERON: “Okay, then why don’t you know what class we are?” [laughs]

NICK: “Statement: I am the CIO and CEO.”

HUDSON: “You know, I might have put HK as the CIO and CEO, now that I’m thinking about it.”

LAURA: “Why does HK get to get on it?”

HUDSON: “Who’s smarter than a robot?”

NICK: “Statement: Because I paid attention during the meeting.”

CAMERON: “There was a meeting?!”

LAURA: “Okay. If Karma does not remember the meting I feel like I cannot be blamed for not remembering it.”

HUDSON: “I haven’t blamed anyone yet. I’m saying that me and HK had a meeting, it was mutually decided that we were going to incorporate, and it was an S-Corp.”

LAURA: “Were the rest of us there?”

NICK: “Remembrance: Tink said we needed to have a board meeting at the resort so that we could do a tax write-off.”

LAURA: “Oh. I did not go to that.”

HUDSON: “So, that actually backfired, because we ended up not paying anything at the resort, so we didn’t actually get that tax write-off, but that was a good idea.”

LAURA: “I don’t think it was…”

CAMERON: “Eh. I mean, we have it for the future. What’s the corporation’s name, Tink?”


LAURA: “You didn’t just call it The Afternoon Delight, did you?”

HUDSON: “We’re ADD, the Afternoon Delight Depot.”

LAURA: “Why?!”

CAMERON: “What?!”

HUDSON: “Depots are hot right now.”

LAURA: “No they are not!”

HUDSON: “Yeah, like there’s the, there’s the, um…”

CAMERON: “Office Depot, and Home Depot.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. There, I didn’t even have to say it. You already knew.”

NICK: “Marketing Statement: We are always adding value.”

HUDSON: “That’s a great line. That’s what we came up with as our slogan, and we’re gonna make big, big credits.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Questioning Statement: What else did you expect from your CIO and CEO?”

HUDSON: “Exactly, and that puts me in the position of VP and secretary, and we’re all set.”

LAURA: “What?!”

CAMERON: “I still don’t understand why you were asking me about how the corporation was classified, then, if I wasn’t invited to the meeting.” [laughs]

HUDSON: “I thought you were there. You weren’t there. You know, that’s anyone’s fault. That’s not—I mean, I’m not assigning blame to anyone, I’m just saying you weren’t there.”

LAURA: “I’m putting the blame on you.”

HUDSON: “I don’t think that’s gonna help the situation at all.”

LAURA: “I think it will.”

NICK: “While I’m particularly interested in your corporate shuffle, chums, do me a favor and duck, please.”

LAURA: “Okie!”

NICK: The crew hits the deck and you hear (charge-up whoosh, release) and you all turn around to see a stormtrooper dissolve into dust at the corner of the street, like they had just turned the corner.


NICK: “The Imperials rarely travel alone, chums. We should probably be skedaddling.”

LAURA: “They do move in herds.”

NICK: “Give it the old hip-hop come on, friends. Let’s go.”

HUDSON: “If you ski, I’ll daddle.”

LAURA: “No. That’s not how that phrase works.”

NICK: “I’m particularly flattered, but we’re a little busy right now.”

HUDSON: “That’s not—“

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: “He didn’t mean it the way it sounded like he meant it. He was meaning something else… Don’t worry. Or do worry.”

HUDSON: “I was taking apart your word, and I—Never mind.”

NICK: Neato shrugs and goes jogging off down the street. So, as you approach the base, you pass a line in the city where the large-scale destruction mostly stops. Large craters stop appearing in the streets, and you can see that the city of Sart was quite idyllic before the bombardment started. The buildings are all pale stucco colors with bright shutters. It looks like you’re outside the range of the artillery in the bay. The shield facility is another kilometer inland. The perimeter of peace, however, is quickly disrupted by the bodies of stormtroopers. It looks like the Imperials have tried to charge this position multiple times and failed so far.

Neato steps out ahead of the group and waves a hand around the corner of an alleyway, the entrance of which has been streaked with blood because bodies have been cleared out of the way to make sure that the passageway stayed clear. Neato steps towards the edge of an alleyway and there’s a sharp turn. He waves his hand around it into the space, and you hear him yell, “Heyo there, chums. If you could point your death dealers to the sky, we’ve got some allies soft-shoeing through the carnage.”

You hear the sound of shifting weapons and the soft call of someone saying, “It’s that military advisor. It looks like he isn’t dead yet.” You round the corner to see high piles of sandbags and durasteel girders twisted into anti-vehicular barriers. A handful of militia members man the walls with a heavy turret and some blaster rifles. They’re all wearing tan uniforms in various states of disarray. The militia members look scorched, dirty, and exhausted.

The voice from earlier comes to you from a lanky Human with dark hair and a data pad strapped to one arm. They yell to you as you approach the barriers. “Who the heck are you?”

HUDSON: “Well, we just actually remembered we’re an S-Corp, but we are the, um, Afternoon Delight Depot.”

LAURA: “No, that is not accurate.”

CAMERON: “Hey, we’re here to help.”

NICK: “Come on, chums, stop aiming at my friends. We’re here to end this little campaign.”

The head of this little outpost finally does aim his blaster rifle to the sky. “Look. Every time  you leave you take some of us with you and you usually come back alone. This is the first time we’ve ever seen you come back with different people. What happened to your contingent?”

Neato looks pretty sad for a second and wipes under his eyepatch. “They didn’t make it, but these ones definitely will this time. I’m very optimistic.” He starts to climb over the barrier. What do you all do?

CAMERON: “I too am optimistic.”

HUDSON: [cheerfully] “We haven’t died yet, have we?”

CAMERON: And I climb over the barrier.

LAURA: “No, I’m pretty sure one of us died, right?”

CAMERON: “Xianna—Xianna. Shh…”

NICK: The militia member standing on the barrier says, “You know, your best bet is probably back here with the rest of us, but I wouldn’t listen to that military advisor if I were you. He has a penchant for suicide missions, and it seems to be everyone else that doesn’t come back, not him.”

CAMERON: “I’m pretty confident in my team’s ability. Like Tink said, we haven’t died yet.”

LAURA: “And I brought extra drugs with me, so…”

NICK: The militia member just kind of shrugs. “Well, just try to take as many down with you when you go,” and steps out of the way and lets you pass.

LAURA: “Okay. It was lovely meeting you. Goodbye~”

NICK: The militia member doesn’t look at you, he’s placed his gun back down on the sandbags and is just guarding this alley, but another one of the militia members makes eye contact with you and then doesn’t know what to do and then smiles awkwardly and twiddles their fingers in your direction. “Well, bye~”

HUDSON: I do a princess wave.

NICK: Elbow-elbow, wrist-wrist?


NICK: Nice. [chuckles] So, you continue another couple hundred meters through some twisting alleyways. You can see some choke points. Anybody who’s particularly military-minded would see, oh, these are great places to put explosives in case that first barrier gets taken down, or hey they could collapse this building to try to stop them. this is a pretty well-situated place. They’ve done the best that they could with basically being in a residential industrial area. So, you get through these winding alleyways and you come to an open area around this industrial shield facility. It’s a large dome shaped building probably the size of a small football stadium, and there’s open ground, gravel, and broken up pavement for about 60 meters in a perimeter around it, and that’s where the militia has set up camp. They have tents. You see people driving small speeders back and forth with supplies. A small group of what looks like volunteer civilians, honestly, they don’t have a lot of other options, standing in formation and learning to be militia members. Neato kind of waves an arm at you all. “Well, the command tent’s this way, chums. If we want to get down and dirty that’s the place to do it.”

CAMERON: “Great! We’ll follow you.”

NICK: Neato is walking through camp looking pretty self-assured and just generally at home in this kind of situation. He’s waving at people who greet him, and does a joking shadowbox thing with a large Human with a repeating blaster rifle, they joke for a minute and he ducks under a fake punch and laughs and keeps going. You come to this large pavilion. It’s made out of posts sunk into this gravel yard with camo netting draped over it just to create some shade, and there’s a holo-projector in the middle, and you see the commander of the militia. It’s pretty obvious that’s what she is. Everybody is either getting yelled at by her and then saluting and running away or trying to give her distance depending on what their position is. She’s wearing a soot-stained militia uniform. It’s got a general insignia on the shoulder. She has short cropped, dark, curly hair and a skeletal-looking prosthetic for her right arm which is missing, but it looks pretty functional if a little disrepaired at this point, and she is leaning over a holo-projector basically pointing at it with her presumably chief of staff. Neato walks up and says, “Greetings General, back from the front.” She just rolls her eyes and goes back to what she was doing. Neato looks a little deflated.

HUDSON: “Heya, General.”

CAMERON: Karma’s just gonna stand at ease at the entrance area to the pavilion.

HUDSON: “We’re here to win this war.”

NICK: “Couldn’t have said it better myself, chum.”

She rolls her eyes at Neato and says, “What exactly are you trying to achieve by bringing these civilians into my camp? We don’t have that many people. We’re almost out of supplies.” Neato just kind of shrugs helplessly.

CAMERON: “That’s kind of the point, actually. You don’t have that many people. Also, not civilian.” Flash bounty hunter badge.

NICK: “Great. You’re bringing more mercenaries into the situation. Thank you so much, Neato, the military advisor.”

CAMERON: “Not a mercenary, bounty hunter, different.”

LAURA: “Also, I am not a bounty hunter.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, that’s just me.”

HUDSON: “I’m not a bounty hunter, but I’m here… for this service.”

CAMERON: “Also, assassin droid?” Points at HK.

NICK: “Statement: I am the CIO and CEO of ADD Enterprises.”

LAURA: Oh, we’re an enter—[giggles]

CAMERON: [giggles] Dear lord.

NICK: “You brought an accounting droid?! Why does the accounting droid have a gun that big?”

CAMERON: Karma facepalms, because Cameron just did. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Hank is actually very good at shooting people. I think it was first an assassin droid and then later reprogrammed for the accounting stuff. Also, I don’t actually think he is an accounting droid now that I say that.”

NICK: “Speculative Statement: I have always found that being an accountant is more a state of circuits than a programming function.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. We’ll see how it works at the corporation’s end of year reports. We’ll see how you’re feeling.”

LAURA: “Ooh! Do I get a bonus?”

CAMERON: “I don’t think we ever actually figured out if we were employed by the corporation, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh, well I don’t know…”

HUDSON: “Y’all are actually volunteer contractors right now.”


NICK: “Error. Secondary user receives zero bonus.”

LAURA: “Do I get benefits at least?”

HUDSON: “[laughs] No.”

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “You know what? I quit. I never even got hired in the first place, but I quit.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “I think this is the first time I have ever quit an actual company.”

HUDSON: “You didn’t quit.”

CAMERON: “And you weren’t even actually hired. Anyway, yeah, General, we think that we could be of some assistance.”

HUDSON: “General, I think we could be of all the assistance. You can step aside now and—“

CAMERON: “Whoa. No~!”

LAURA: “No~!”

HUDSON: “Wait, wait, wait. Hank mostly can figure this all out.”

LAURA: “No…”

NICK: “Heh-heh…” The general pulls a cigar out of the front pocket of their uniform and puts it in. you hear a lightsaber igniting noise (whoosh) as they flick a lighter and it lights the cigar, and she takes a couple of puffs on it. “So, you think you’re in charge, huh?”

LAURA: “No.”

NICK: “Be my guest. What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway, right?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Eventually.”

NICK: “Neato, why have you brought these people here? Let’s just get down to it. I’m open to suggestions at this point.”

Neato says, “Well there, General, I figured with this crack squad of commandos we may be able to turn the tide against old Palpy.”

“Can you stop calling the Emperor old Palpy, please?”


CAMERON: “I actually rather like it.”

HUDSON: “I like it, too.”

LAURA: “His name is Sheeven. We all know that.”

NICK: “Yeah, you gotta sock it right to Sheevie P!”


HUDSON: [groans]

CAMERON: “Okay, I’m not a fan of that one.”

LAURA: “Yes, Sheeven Theodore Palpatine. That is his full name.”

CAMERON: “General, look at it this way. You don’t care about us. We have guns and are willing to go shoot stormtroopers for you. what have you got to lose? If we die, no big deal, we weren’t here just a second ago.”

NICK: “Now that’s a perspective I can appreciate. On the other hand, you all look reasonably well-suited for this kind of fight, being scoundrels of every flavor that I can see.”

LAURA: “We blew up a destroyer at one point.”

NICK: “Wow.”

CAMERON: “That is true.”

HUDSON: “We did.”

CAMERON: “We do have a lot of experience.”

HUDSON: “I mean, it was mostly me, but like they were there.”

LAURA: “I am legally dead.”

NICK: “On purpose?”

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: “You blew it up on purpose?”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Oh… Okay. They blow up by accident more often than you would expect.”

CAMERON: “Actually! Actually, actually, hold up. Two of them, right?”

HUDSON: “No, just one.”


LAURA: “Well, we purposely blew up one on purpose.”

CAMERON: “We purposely shot one when we were with Val.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, yeah.”

LAURA: “We shot one. I don’t think we blew it up.”

CAMERON: “It had a big explosion. Was it 100% destroyed? Questionable, we didn’t stick around long enough to see, but we did make a significant dent.”

LAURA: “That is true.”

CAMERON: “I’mma count that as one and a half.”

NICK: “This Val person sounds like a real biscuit boxer.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, you’re gonna love her.”

LAURA: “Yeah.”

NICK: “I’m sure that we’ll get along like ham and mayonnaise, but before we do that, we need to get to the point. General, I have brought with me some special commandos. I found them out in the city. Don’t ask questions. The important thing is that they are all very good at what they do, and we are almost out of supplies, people, and hope. This is our only chance to do something to turn the tide.” Neato looks a lot more serious than he has since you’ve met him.”

CAMERON: “And we have a lot of granola bars and hope, and we’re here to help.” [laughs]

NICK: The general says, “Fine. What kind of plan are you looking at here?” She moves aside so that you can see the holo-map. The map has marks for the cannons that are in the bay and known troop movements. You see that the stormtroopers seem to be mostly moving in pods, groups of three to ten, and from the map movement they just appear in the city and then start to do a search pattern. You would know from your experience that has to do with the drop pods. No one is coming into this city any other way but getting hurled from orbit in basically a steel bloc. “We need to win this and push them out or we are all going to die. They have more resources, more people, and better weapons. The only chance we have is to show them that they’re spending more money than we’re worth ,and I am open to suggestions,” and she points at the map.

Neato looks at it and says, “I’m open to suggestions like your favorite diner at 2 in the morning, chums. The militia here has got sneakers, shock jockeys and bolters. If we could put all our porg eggs in one basket we could stick together and do something grandiose, or we could bundle up in these fox holes, or go for a picnic behind enemy lines. What do you think gets us the most bang for your buck, chums?”

LAURA: “Have you considered just placing bombs on all of their stuff? Just one big boom at once.”

NICK: ‘I’m all for the random shuffle explosion. That’s a lot of fun.”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, you know, it is a classic. Just didn’t know if you had already considered that one.”

CAMERON: “General, of the opposing forces currently on the ground, would you say that the cannons in the bay are the largest threat?”

NICK: You hear a large, rattling boom in the distance and the general gestures with her cigar. ‘Yes, the only reason that we haven’t been completely destroyed is that we’re out of range and they haven’t been able to get them out of the bay because of the shield. Now, getting rid of those would be pretty helpful, but we also have to deal with these stormtroopers.”

CAMERON: Can you describe the setup of these cannons? I was picturing like basically battleships, because it sounded like they were in the bay.

NICK: Yeah, they’re floating in the bay. They’re Imperial landing craft. Picture the allied landing craft from D-Day but a little bit bigger, and sealed, and with the front of one of those flappy wing Lambda shuttles that the Empire has stuck to the front of that with just a big ass artillery piece sitting in the back. “So, these cannons that are in the bay, they were troop carriers that the Empire originally brought in to subjugate us. We were able to boost the effectiveness of the shield and crash them, but they float, so they just attached the artillery pieces to the top and have started bombarding us. If they get those moving again we’re in big trouble.”

CAMERON: “Are they inside the shields?”

NICK: “Yeah, they’re inside the shields.”

CAMERON: “Can they shoot to the outside of the shields?”

NICK: “No they can’t. Pretty much the only way to get in or out is to crawl under the half-meter gap between the shield and the ground.”

HUDSON: “Or dig it deeper.”

CAMERON: “This question may seem slightly weird, but do you have any aquatic personnel here?”

NICK: “No, but we do have some rebreathers. Anyone can be aquatic with rebreathers.”

CAMERON: “Fair enough. How many would you say? Also, how many cannons are there?”

NICK: You would know that. There are five.

CAMERON: Five. Okay, thank you.

NICK: The general does the Tony Stark with the hologram hand motions and pulls up a troop list so that everyone can see. “Neato wasn’t wrong, even if it’s almost impossible to understand him. We have several specialized units that are from the original militia plus all of the civilian volunteers that we could find. We’ve got some shock troops that are pretty good at holding a line, straight forward combat, heavy weapons, they’re reasonably armored. We’ve got a platoon of them. we’ve got a small group of technical engineers and slicers for electronic warfare. They’re mostly working on keeping the shield running for as long as possible, but if you needed them we could do something. Then we have two or three infiltrators. Is it two or three?”

The chief of staff from outside the pavilion says, “It’s just two~ We lost Johnson~”

“Oh, so two infiltrators. Johnson’s probably still alive, but he wandered off. We don’t know where he went.”

HUDSON: “[scoffs] Typical Johnson.”


NICK: The general kind of shrugs and shows you they’ve got a bunch of volunteers, they’ve got a decent contingent of shock troops, they’ve got some engineers, and then they’ve got a couple of talented infiltrators. Neato says, “So, we could either split up and use our strengths and divide and conquer and do different options, or we could stick together, take what resources we can, and try to do it all in one big bang. Either way, we need to decide before—“ and a louder bang than you’ve heard happens, like the artillery struck closer. “Well, speak of the dark side.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He runs out of the pavilion and you see him talking to somebody. If you go chase him, he’s talking to a scout who’s saying, “I don’t know what happened, but the artillery pieces are moving. They’re starting to get out of the bay. It doesn’t look like they can fly, but they’re getting closer.” And there’s another explosion that levels one of the buildings in the alley you just walked through.

CAMERON: “I think at least some of us are going to need to take care of those.”

HUDSON: “Let’s do the big bang plan.”

NICK: “Which one was that? I wasn’t paying attention.”

HUDSON: “It was the second one where we get all our resources together and we all go in all at once and a big bang!”

CAMERON: “Oh, I was thinking the opposite of the splitting and making many mini bangs.”

LAURA: “I was thinking we would just put detonators on everything and then blow it up all at once. So one big boom!”

CAMERON: “So, still one big bang, but splitting up, so a combo effort.”

LAURA: “Well, many little booms that happen at the same time to create one big boom.”

HUDSON: “Like fireworks.”

LAURA: “We could also put fireworks in there.”

HUDSON: “I mean, we wanna give the kids a show.”

LAURA: “It is fun. Always a good idea.”

HUDSON: “As the leader of this operation—“

LAURA: “No~”

CAMERON: “[chuckles dismissively]”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “I feel like you… There’s so many other people who are more qualified for that.”

HUDSON: “Hank, what do you think?”

CAMERON: “He is the CEO.”


NICK: “Strategic Deferment: I think that we should all agree on the best plan of action as a group.”

HUDSON: “[groans]”

CAMERON: [smiling] “I mean, yes. What is your opinion?”

NICK: “Statistical Statement: The most effective plan has a 33.3% chance of success and is tied with two other options depending on Imperial resistance.”

HUDSON: “What is that plan, Hank?”

CAMERON: “Yeah, which plan is it?”

LAURA: “Hank!”

NICK: “Error. Error. Calculations lost.”


LAURA: “Damn it, Hank! Ugh. I told you, he is all buggy. Something is wrong with Hank.”

NICK: And then HK-67 stands up a little straighter and cocks his head at an angle you wouldn’t expect that neck joint to be able to go to. “Listen, we could really go either way with this one. We could all split up and probably at least one of us will die, my money’s on Tink, or we could stick together and try to just blow a hole through the middle, and then we all probably die, at an equal rate to Tink, if we split up.”

CAMERON: “So I think we’re all agreed on that. What I’m asking, HK, is which one would you rather do?”

NICK: “I don’t care. You meat bags are gonna die way before I do.”

HUDSON: “He has a good point.”

LAURA: “He does have a good point.”

CAMERON: “What I guess I’m asking—Where do you rank me and Xianna’s lives against Tink’s?”

LAURA: “Yes, because we do need to start some sort of tontine so that way whoever lives wins all the money. Also, Hank cannot go on the tontine seeing as how he will not die a normal death compared to the rest of us, but I am putting my money on Tink dying first.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “So, I do like the odds between me and Karma of me being the last one alive.”

NICK: HK straightens back up to standing at attention like he normally does. “Ranking Statement: Xianna is a secondary user. Karma is a primary user. Boss Man is a primary user but has low odds of living.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: “I think that answered your question.”

LAURA: “It did not, but sure.”

CAMERON: “So, here’s my thing. Tink, this is not to be taken personally at all, but you are not gifted with a blaster. I feel like that’s more of a fact than an opinion and we can all agree on it and just move on. So, where I think your strengths really lie are going to be in dealing with computers, or in close combat, but stormtroopers are much more likely to shoot you before they get into range of your axe.”

HUDSON: “What if I could throw my axe in a way that would cut off three people’s ears?”

LAURA: “Can you? And why their ears?”

CAMERON: “Okay. One, the ears, not gonna really slow the stormtroopers down.”

HUDSON: “It’ll distract them. they can’t hear out of that side now.”


LAURA: “But they can hear out of the other side!”

CAMERON: “But also, now you don’t have an axe. That was gonna be my second point.”

HUDSON: “No-no-no, it comes back to me like a magic boomerang.”

LAURA: “Wait. Why does the boomerang have to be magic? Does it not just do that?”

HUDSON: “Because my axe is not a boomerang!”

CAMERON: “I don’t think you got that upgrade, for the boomerang axe.”

HUDSON: “I did not get that upgrade. I’m kind of pulling your leg a little bit. I didn’t get that upgrade. I’ll go with what you say.”

CAMERON: “Okay… So, I’m thinking, you can—“

HUDSON: [laughs] I like Nick’s face during all this.

LAURA: [laughs]

CAMERON: Nick is broken. We’re sorry.

NICK: [smiling] No, I’m planning a side adventure called Tink and the Magic Boomerang.

CAMERON: [laughs] “So, I’m thinking, if you took a couple of the other techies and went and did some cyber warfare, you could potentially interfere with the destroyer.”

HUDSON: “Can I name the group I take?”

LAURA: “Sure, why not.”

CAMERON: “Sure!”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

CAMERON: “I wouldn’t recommend incorporating them, I don’t think it’s worth it at this point, but…”

HUDSON: “No, there’s not really any kind of office or website to do that from this area of the war.”

NICK: “Suggestion: You could make them an LLC.”

HUDSON: “That’s… [sighs] No. We don’t have that… Just no.”


HUDSON: “What I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna take myself and Hackx R Us, my group, and we’re gonna go and we’re going to perform our mission.”

CAMERON: “I think that’s a great name, Tink.”

LAURA: “I don’t, but I think it’ll work.”

NICK: Neato perks up. “If you and the hackers are planning on taking something out of commission, there are some large radio dishes over in the technological sector. If you could sneak there in one piece you might be able to interfere with their communications.”

HUDSON: “Oh… I could do that. That’s old school stuff.”

CAMERON: “So, you’re super sneaky. General, excuse me, how combat-ready are your techies?”

NICK: “They can shoot? I wouldn’t put them on the front lines if I could avoid it. Also, if you could keep them from dying that would be great, because they’re the only thing keeping this shield running.”

HUDSON: “We’ll take all of them!”

LAURA: “No…”

CAMERON: “I don’t think you need all of them. I’m just thinking—“

HUDSON: “I want a battalion of 30 people!”

LAURA: “No…”

CAMERON: “Okay, that seems excessive.”

NICK: “That’s wrong for multiple reasons.”


CAMERON: “You just need a couple of the best, because you’re awesome, so you don’t need a huge team.”

HUDSON: “You’re right.”

CAMERON: “You just need a small team to assist you.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, it’s mostly me.”

CAMERON: “However—Exactly. It would probably be beneficial if you had some fire support with you, though, as they are not as martially gifted as you, and as we discussed you are close combat.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, you’re right. I need some snipers and tanks and…”

CAMERON: “You need at least one heavy shot with you.”

NICK: Neato is just like whistling and looking at the sky and stroking his blaster rifle.

CAMERON: “As you are trying to sneak through a city that we are unfamiliar with, I might suggest you take Neato with you.”

HUDSON: “Neato, would you like to join my battalion?”

NICK: “What a whiz bang suggestion, Karma!”

HUDSON: “Alright. Looks like I’m going out. Bye everyone!”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay, bye~!” The moment he turns around and starts leaving, Xianna turns around. “Okay, so 20 Credits Tink dies on this mission. Who wants to take that?”

NICK: HK raises his hand to a perfect 90 degree angle. “Calculating Statement: I will give you 2 to 1 odds.”

LAURA: “Okay, so, but do you want to bet, or…?”

NICK: “Yes.”


LAURA: “Okay, cool. I was not sure if you were just giving me the odds in order to have them.”

NICK: “Wait. I’m betting that Tink is going to die. You think Tink will live?”

LAURA: “No. I said Tink will die…”

NICK: “Oh. No bet.”

LAURA: “…so you would be betting for him to live.”

NICK: “No bet.”

LAURA: “What? Okay. What if we do the other way around? I’ll take that.”

NICK: “Bet.”

LAURA: “Okay cool.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: “So 2 to 1 odds that—“ [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh gosh.

HUDSON: Xianna thinks I’m gonna live.

LAURA: So, Hank has…

CAMERON: It turns out HK actually has so much money that we just don’t know about.

LAURA: …Tink dies…

NICK: I have a plan if I need to get 40 Credits for this.

LAURA: …Xianna has that Tink lives.

NICK: Let the listener be showed that Laura is literally writing this down in like a bookie book in her lap right now.

LAURA: Oh yeah. So, I have bet 20 Credits on that one. Okay. “Alright Hank, we’ll see. I mean, I hope he lives now, because I have bet money, but…”

CAMERON: “I mean, I hope you had hope that he’d live before. Anyway. Now that they’re gone, we—“

LAURA: “Well no, if I was betting for him to die I would have wanted the credits.”

CAMERON: “[exasperated splutter and sigh]”

NICK: At this point Neato looks up and sees that Tink is just striding purposefully back towards the perimeter of the camp. “Wait, chum! Wait. The engineers are the other way.” And he runs off to go get Tink. While you’re having this conversation you see Tink and Neato gesticulating in the background and then they turn and start jogging off towards the shield facility where presumably the engineers would be.

The general says, “Well, that gets them out of my hair, and maybe they’ll do something helpful. You seem armed to the teeth and you have a cool coat.”

LAURA: “I do! It has many pockets.”

NICK: “I would imagine if the Imperials are starting to advance on this position they’re gonna have a lot of ground troops protecting their artillery. You can go behind enemy lines, I can spare you a few troops to help, or you can set up here and we can try to take them down with the defenses we already have in place. Up to you.”

CAMERON: “What’s your stockpile of explosives looking like?”

NICK: “We have Some. Are you looking for rocket launchers or satchel charges?”

CAMERON: “I mean, a rocket launcher would be nice, but also what I was thinking was, when I fell I landed in the bay with the cannons. I would like to, A, destroy some cannons, and B, potentially steal at least one cannon.”

NICK: “Steal a cannon…”

CAMERON: “So, if I could get at least a couple of folks to come with me, but particularly some of your sturdy combat troops, and some rebreathers, and some explosives, to go do that…”

NICK: “Hey, purple girl, are you going with her?”

LAURA: “Sure, why not.”

NICK: “Great. I can give you two of my strongest point men. Does that work for you? They can at least carry things.”

CAMERON: “Sure.”

NICK: “Alright. Smith, Weathers, come here.” Two tall, buff guys with crew cuts—one’s got dark hair, one’s got blonde hair—you’re not sure which is which and the general doesn’t bother to specify…

CAMERON: Eh, that’s fine.

NICK: …snap to attention. They’ve got blaster carbines, and unlike most of them they’re not wearing the long sleeve tan coats buttoned up. They’ve got cargo pants and combat boots and are wearing the really thin tank tops in dark brown.


NICK: They snap to attention, and they say “Yes ma’am” in unison.

LAURA: “Okay, so which one of you is going to let me do a piggyback ride on the way there? Because I do not want to walk. Heh.”

NICK: The one with dark hair drops attention. “Heh. Yeah, yeah, sure,” and he holds out his arm for you.

LAURA: “Yes!” Heh.

NICK: As you grab it, he judo throws you over his hip so that you land… Do you land on your feet or do you land on your butt?

LAURA: On my feet!

NICK: Yeah, you’re super agile.

CAMERON: She’s very agile.

NICK: So you land like that and he looks super surprised and lets go quickly. “Oh, sorry about that… but no, I’m not carrying you through a warzone. I figured if you made it here you’d be pretty capable.”

LAURA: “But… [huffs] But I mean I am capable of doing it, but I do not want to~ Karma! Tell one of them to let me do a piggyback ride. I am tired~!”

CAMERON: “Xianna, you can walk.”

LAURA: “I am tired…”

CAMERON: “Take some drugs. It’ll be fine.”

NICK: What did I name them? “Yeah Weathers, she doesn’t want to~” says the other soldier. [laughs]

LAURA: “Look, do not make fun of me.”

CAMERON: “Soldier, I need three rebreathers and a bunch of explosives, now.”

LAURA: “And if you make fun of me again I will shoot you.”

NICK: “Sounds like we have an understanding.” He snaps to. He doesn’t salute.

CAMERON: That’s fine.

NICK: “The armory tent’s this way. Let’s just go collect everything we need,” and they jog off.

CAMERON: “HK, you’re coming with us, I guess.”

NICK: “Statement: This is acceptable.” HK jogs off after you all.

CAMERON: “I bet I can find you some organics to kill.”

LAURA: “HK, can you swim?”

CAMERON: “We’re not putting him in the water.” [laughs]

NICK: “Absolutely not.”

LAURA: “Can you float?”

NICK: “Not even a little bit.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “What about floating?”

NICK: “No.”

LAURA: “Can you like sink to the bottom and walk along the bottom of the ocean floor?”

NICK: “I can sink to the bottom.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “But then can you walk along the ocean floor?”

NICK: “No.”

LAURA: “I feel like I saw that in a holo-vid one time, like all sorts of skeleton pirates walked on the ocean floor to get where they were going. Could you not do that?”

CAMERON: “He just wants to be where the people are.”

NICK: So, we get a shot from General Karthage’s perspective. She gets down to the last two inches of her cigar and drops it into the dirt and stubs it out. We see karma and Xianna and these two soldiers. The two soldiers are moving at double time. Karma, Xianna and Hank are walking and bantering and joking. We see Tink and Neato running up the stairs to the door, and Neato goes to hit the door panel to open the door in the distance and it doesn’t work and Tink shoves him out of the way and does something that gets the door to open and they disappear into the factory. General Karthage stubs out her cigar and says, “The Force sure works in mysterious ways.” And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 40 Dust in the Wind

PDF download: Episode 40 Dust in the Wind

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 40:
Dust in the Wind

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Okay squad mates, I have quite a few announcements this week, but they’re super awesome and even involve a giveaway so stick with me.

First of all, we have a new iTunes review. Thank you **CurseOfStew for your thorough and truly heartwarming review. The light side is strong with you, and I hope those sweet Force powers kick in soon.

Second up, we have a new Patron! Thank you to **Berek50Cal for your support. May your power armor never rust, your one-liners always be punchy, and your arch nemesis be just cool enough to make you look even cooler. Thank you so much for supporting Tabletop Squadron.

Next up, I’m excited to announce that we’re doing a Twitter giveaway! We’re giving away some dice bags hand-crafted by our very own Laura. Trust me, you want to get in on this. Laura is basically a magical artificer and everything she makes is at least a +2 modifier. These dice bags are super freaking cool. All you have to do to enter is be following the official @Tabletop_Squad account on Twitter and comment on our pinned tweet from noon CST on 8/29, that’s the day this episode releases, through September 9 with your favorite Tabletop Squadron moment. We’ll pick three winners on the 10th. Each winner will receive two dice bags hand sewn by Laura. Again, trust me, you want to get in on this one.

Okay, last but equally important thing: This episode features a very special intro produced and acted by Aaron Catano-Saez. Aaron is an amazing friend to the show and creates fantastic content weekly on All My Fantasy Children where they take a listener prompt to create a character and use that to build their own fantasy world. It’s one of my personal favorite podcasts, and you should really give it a listen if you’re interested in world building, character creation, or RPGs. You can find Aaron on Twitter at @AaronCatanoSaez and All My Fantasy Children at @AMFC_podcast, or on their website at Check it out. It was an absolute gift to work with Aaron on this. If you like how it turned out you’ll love his other projects.

Music this week is Kelli’s Number and Not on the Bus by US Army Blues. Now after all, all, all of that, let’s get into the episode.


[power-up noise]

AARON: It’s been four hours since the bombardment started. They’ve been threatening for months to uphold the rule of Imperial Law, but I don’t think anyone expected this. **Alise, I’m so glad you are off planet. It’s going to get ugly in **Sart. The militia has mobilized as much as possible, but the Imps know what they’re doing. Communications are gone, the main base is gone, I was able to rally with this squad and one of the city’s security consultants, but we haven’t been able to reach anyone else long enough to meet up. I don’t know when I’ll be able to send this to you, but know that we’re going to fight back. Looks like it’s time to  move. [movement/rustling]

[power-up noise]

It’s been three days since the bombardment started. The Force knows you can get used to anything over time, even watching the city slowly blown to dust, but things keep changing. After the Imps started strafing us we got desperate. I managed to get a couple of the platoons together and make a run for the city shield facility. Our security consultant came up with an idea. He’s… not what I’m used to, but he bailed us out time and again. Seems like he’s fought stormtroopers before. He can guess their tactics most of the time. We boosted the shields, but something went wrong. The power source took a hit at the wrong time or something, but our engineer got fried. The shield is up, it’s way more powerful than it should be, stretches all the way out to the jungle now. Ground troops can’t land and they can’t bombard us from orbit anymore, but we can’t get out either. We’ve walled off the city. It’s just us and the Imps unlucky enough to be stuck inside. **Alise, we’re going to make them pay. I miss you.

[power-up noise]


It’s been, what, two months? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. I don’t even know why I dug this back out. Maybe someone will hear it someday. There’s only two of us left from the original group I met with, just me and the Rodian. Oh, that’s the security consultant. He’s something else, but it doesn’t matter how good a shot you are, you can’t stop people from being blown up. The resistance forces are scattered around the city to make sure we don’t lose too many people at one time, but that’s what’s happening. We’re losing. The Rodian said we can bleed them out over time. He kept saying things about Imperial beam counters, hating to spend too much on a backwater world, but they haven’t left yet. They brought artillery, just landed these big cannons in the bay. They’re using some kind of disrupter technology to bust drop pods through the city’s defense shields. They drop in stormtroopers to take us out, and we fight hard, but they just bring more. The artillery sits on the far side of the city and they move up a little every day. If they make it to the shield facility it’s all over. We don’t have civilians anymore. Everyone’s either picked up a weapon or is long dead. I think I’m fighting out of habit more than anything else at this point.

[gunfire and explosions]

Listen, whoever finds this, tell **Alise—Kriff! Rodian, we gotta move. They dropped in behind us—[burst]




NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode number 40, onto the greener pastures of the next story arc. Isn’t that exciting? I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and who you’re playing this fine day, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh. Next up we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura, and I am playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Great. We’ve got everybody assembled then. Before we do anything else, let’s do the Destiny Roll.

CAMERON: One light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Agh. Hudson.

NICK: Cool. When we last left off the crew got more of a mission briefing from Tiny and Carn Horn. They were brought to the planet Fygo and the city of **Sart, and they were able to use their drop pods and get past the Imperial blockade, and then immediately exploded in mid-air and were scattered to the far sides of the city. So, yeah… Everything’s going super good.

CAMERON: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: I am sure it will be fine… So, I guess we’ll have to split this up a little bit. We’ll start with Xianna and we’ll just kinda work our way through everybody. Xianna, you regain consciousness in your drop pod. You are upside-down and you can feel the steady drip of blood coming out of the side of your head and running down one of your lekku. Take 2 wounds please. Your pod is filling with smoke, you can feel heat, and you are stuck upside-down in this drop pod. You can’t see anything. All the screens are off. What do you do?

LAURA: Look. This is not the first time Xianna has woken up, upside-down, strapped into something.

CAMERON: [snickers]


LAURA: She knows to look to see how high up from the ground she is and then, while holding on with one hand to a strap, release the harness so that way when she falls you roll over so your feet land because you’re holding on up at the top.

NICK: Yeah. You’re able to do that pretty easily. The straps are designed for quick release. You realize that the problem is, so there’s the hatch for the drop pod which is now buried in the duracrete of the street so that transparesteel window is shattered in and you can see that the front of the drop pod is designed to split open after you land, but it is jammed and you’re not able to get it open. How are you gonna try to do that?

LAURA: Does it look like there’s any sort of venting or anything that could be a secondary way out, or does it look like the only way is to somehow unjam the door?

NICK: It’s pretty much just that. You’re basically in a phone booth right now. [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah. Yeah.

NICK: There’s not a lot of helpful situations. You’re still just trying to get out of the way that you got to the planet in the first place. So, how are you gonna try to get this door open?

LAURA: Oh boy. I mean, is there anything to shoot at?

NICK: I mean, there’s a control panel. It already looks kind of damaged, but in Star Wars, sometimes when you shoot things they open. That is a fair point.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Would it be maybe a Skulduggery thing to check if that’s something I could do?

NICK: Sure. To try and wire the panel to open it up?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. I think that could be a Skulduggery. You’re good at opening doors. That will be hard with a black die, because the panel is kind of blowed up.

LAURA: Okay! Would you count this as a security device or a locked door?

NICK: I would count it as a locked door.

LAURA: Okay, so then I can remove a black die.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: Two successes, two threats.

NICK: Cool. The door snaps open pretty easily, surprisingly so really, because it didn’t look like it had power, but you were able to route power through it, and you are able to skip out. You get a good look around you. You are in the middle of what looks like a housing district but it’s all just on fire. The whole thing is on fire. It looks like somebody either firebombed this area or hit a main gas line or something, but while the roads are reasonably clear, there’s smoke everywhere, you can only see the sky in patches, and most of the buildings are either hollowed out skeletons of what they once were or are actively becoming so due to all the fire. As you look around you see a stormtrooper on a scout bike who is approaching you, and the trooper sees you, and you see them hold a hand up to their ear and then start to whip the scout bike around and start to take off out of the district. What do you do?

LAURA: Oh, that seems concerning. Xianna’s gonna put her scanner goggles on to help see through the smoke, and opens up one of the coat pockets and takes out a little baggie and does some impact, because oh boy is this a weird situation. Some coping is gonna have to happen. Then, she starts heading in the direction that the trooper went in the idea that that’s maybe the best way to get out of the fire.

NICK: Okay. You walk for about a minute. You are in a town square area. It’s pretty lucky, because if you had been about ten meters in any direction you probably would have landed in the middle of a burning building, so good that didn’t happen. Then you hear some rapid blaster fire and a small explosion. Do you head towards it?

LAURA: “Ooh. A small explosion. That is probably someone I know.” [laughter] I will head that way.

NICK: You come around the corner and you see the twisted wreck of a speeder bike that is crashed up into a light post, and you see HK standing over the scout trooper who is looking dazedly at the sky. “Primary Objective: Disable radio communication.” HK just unloads into the head of this stormtrooper, and the stormtrooper stops, and the speeder bike explodes again. HK looks up and puts their rifle pointed towards the sky. “Greetings. It looks like you have not been turned into a pile of organic paste. Congratulations.”

LAURA: “Thank you. So um, do you happen to know the way out of this burning mass of buildings? Because I do not.”

NICK: “Supposition: Any direction is better than this direction. Why don’t we go that way?” HK points down an alleyway, and then a building collapses into it and more fire shoots up into the air, and HK just keeps moving their arm to point down the main street.

LAURA: “Yeah. That way seems nicer. Yes, let’s go that way. Have you heard from any of the others?”

NICK: “Negative.”

LAURA: “No? Okay. This is going to be very fun. Okay, Hank. Question. Can I ride you like a backpack?”

NICK: “I am not particularly strong. That is not part of my design.”

LAURA: “Okay, then never mind. I just did not know.”

NICK: “I think that you would prefer for my gun to be free in case we run into more opposition.”

LAURA: “That is a decent point. I am sorry I asked. I just, you know, I thought that maybe… I don’t know. I didn’t want to assume anything, Hank.”

NICK: HK straps their rifle to their back. You see, as he takes off, he stops doing his normal protocol kind of shuffling droid walk and takes on a really organic gate. “We’re all kriffed anyway. I don’t even know where we’re going to go. Who has those stratopacks? Whose drop pod were they in? Do you know?”

LAURA: “Um, one, are you okay? You seem a little weird.”

NICK: “Why do you say that?”

LAURA: “You just do not seem like your usual self. You seem too, how you say, casual. Also, I have no idea who has the stratopack things. Probably Karma, I would assume.”

NICK: HK scratches at the back of his head with a rusty kind of grating noise. “I don’t really see a reason for formality when the world is literally on fire.”

LAURA: “Excuse me, Hank. Did you just scratch yourself?”

NICK: “Oh. Um…”

LAURA: “You know you don’t have nerve endings to feel itchy.”

NICK: “Supposition: There must have been some damage to my chassis.” And he heads off.

LAURA: “I’m sure it is fine.”


NICK: We’re gonna cut away from Xianna and over to Karma. Karma, you’re underwater.


NICK: You regain consciousness in pretty much total darkness, and you can smell shorted out electronics, and you’re underwater. You’re breathing water. It seems fine. You can smell underwater. That’s a thing Nautolans can do, I’ve decided.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: You appear to have sunk to the bottom of something pretty deep.

CAMERON: Oh great.

NICK: What do you do? You’re still strapped into your drop pod.

CAMERON: I unbuckle my seatbelt. The pod’s not open yet or anything?

NICK: Nope.

CAMERON: Okay. I press the release next to the doors.

NICK: It shorts out, and the doors open slightly but are otherwise stuck.

CAMERON: I kick the door.

NICK: Alright. Make me an Athletics chick, check to—

CAMERON: An Athletics chick?

NICK: An Athletics check to bust down the door and get out.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty of this athletic chick?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Hard athletic chick. One success!

NICK: Nice. It takes a little bit. You’re able to kick the door open, and you actually feel, you have to switch legs because you feel that one of them is pretty banged up. You are going to take 2 wounds, ignoring soak, and you realize that in the landing and the tumbling and the sinking something must have gotten kind of messed up in there.


NICK: But you’re able to break free. Do you swim towards the surface?

CAMERON: Yup. Was there anything else in my pod with me?


CAMERON: [laughs] Then yes, I leave the pod and swim up. Not necessarily to the surface, I don’t pop above the surface, but I swim up to where enough light is coming through the water that I can kind of see where I’m at.

NICK: Yeah. You swim up to where you can kind of see where you are. You figure from how big this is and the temperature of the water and various currents and things, you must be in the bay. You’re not in a well. You can see the underbellies of those five landing crafts, and occasionally the water shutters with an extremely powerful shot, and the ship sinks about a meter into the water and then floats back up. You are directly underneath the Imperial bombardment right now.

CAMERON: Cool. I do draw out my sword in case there’s anything else living down here, and I’m gonna swim away from the Imperials towards the shore.

NICK: Okay. It’s a large curving bay. The landing crafts are kind of to the edge of the bay where it dumps out into the ocean, so there are some options here. Do you just swim directly away from them or do you poke your head up and kind of see where you’re at?

CAMERON: Eh, I’ll poke my head up, I’m green.

NICK: You poke your head up. You don’t really see much.

CAMERON: It’s just a turtle. It’s fine.

NICK: With a bunch of head tentacles.

CAMERON: It’s fine. [chuckles]

NICK: You can see… You’re floating and treading water, and you are faced away from the ships, and you can see to your right an area that’s extremely on fire…


NICK: …with a big haze of smoke rising up. Directly in front of you it looks like a docking area where there’s a lot of transportation pods and things like that. It looks like docks. To your left, past a thin strip of docks, you can see what looks like fluted columns and museums and art galleries in the fancy part of town. Parts of it are bombed out, it doesn’t look like what it used to, but those are kind of your options. Ooh. I should also point out that far in the distance to your left, past the arts district, you do see a thin column of smoke that looks very different from the normal explosion smoke, like maybe some sort of jet rocket exploded.

CAMERON: So, I’m swimming towards the docks and then I look to my left like, wait, and I turn and I swim towards that.

NICK: Yeah. You figure that must be where one of the drop pods went down. You’re able to get to shore without too many issues, and you just head toward the column then?

CAMERON: Yep, kind of keeping to the shadows, trying not to be too out in the open.

NICK: That sounds like a Stealth check, doesn’t it?

CAMERON: It does?! What~?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: What would the difficulty of my Stealth check be?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: I get two blue dice, because I’m a Stalker.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: Oh my gosh. Okay… Oh no. Wait, no, it’s okay. never mind. Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Okay. You get through the docks with  no problem. you get through about half of this arts district with no problem. Then, [jazzy danger music starts] you are shot at by a scout trooper that’s on a roof with a blaster rifle, and you are forced down to cover as it is shooting at you. You can see them, but it’s a long shot, and you’re kind of pinned down where you are. Somebody saw you as you went.

CAMERON: How rude. I’m going to shoot them back.

NICK: Alright. Make me a check. It’s at long range, so that’s gonna be a hard shot.

CAMERON: I’m going to aim.

NICK: Makes sense.

[music volume pulses]

CAMERON: A triumph, six successes, and one threat.

NICK: [laughs in disbelief]


NICK: Yeah. You just plug this trooper through the face mask and they slump to the ground.

CAMERON: I have an idea for my triumph.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Actually, can I not shoot them in the face and get them in the chest instead? I want their helmet to be recoverable so I can take the coms unit out so that I can hear troop movement to avoid them going forward.

NICK: Sure. You shoot them in the chest. They slump over. Their helmet falls off and lands at your feet, because it’s a triumph…

CAMERON: Ha-ha~!

[trouble music ends]

NICK: …and you’re able to scrape the coms out, which you notice your coms have been pretty quiet so far, but you slot that in your other… Nautolans have ears?

CAMERON: Yeah! Just stick it up underneath the head tentacles and I can hear stuff.

NICK: Yeah. You’ve got troop movements. It’s a lot of automated information just detailing patrols, not a lot of chatter, but you have that if you need it. You continue on towards the column of smoke. We’re going to cut away to Tink. Tink, you are in your chair from your drop pod. You are upright. Your ears are ringing and your head hurts pretty bad. Go ahead and take 2 wounds for me.

HUDSON: “[groans] Oh, my head.”

NICK: The top half of your drop pod is gone. You’re, like, sitting in basically half of a cracked open egg.

HUDSON: Humpty Dumpty, where did it go?


NICK: There is a lot of smoke and things. It looks like you crashed outside of some sort of research facility. It’s built kind of like a bunker. It looks pretty deserted. You can see a column of smoke coming up basically around you making it pretty hard to breathe. What do you do?

HUDSON: I take off my seatbelt and jump out as fast as I can, maybe a little clumsily, actually.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] You’re able to get out. You get out of the column of smoke. Your eyes start to clear. You see kind of sticking out of the wreckage of your drop pod, that big footlocker with the stratopacks on it, yours was the one that had those attached so you may want to grab that.

HUDSON: I go and I grab that, put that with my other stuff.

NICK: Cool. Yeah. It’s basically like a backpacking backpack. It will be kind of heavy, but you’re strong enough that it won’t mechanically affect you in any way. You also see that it looks like in that rattling landing it took some damage, and as you’re starting to wonder what that might mean in the future…

[danger music starts]

…you hear “Stop! Hands up!” and you see five stormtroopers gathered at the edge of the road all pointing their blasters at you.

HUDSON: “Hey y’all. Uh… Listen. Let me get my bearings. I just, uh, I just arrived.”

NICK: “Get down on your knees and put your hands in the air. Put everything on the ground. You’re under, uh, arrest I guess. I don’t know.”

CAMERON: ‘You are being detained!’

NICK: Yeah. [laughs]

HUDSON: “I’m being detained?”

NICK: “Eh, kriff it. Blast him!” [laughing] And they start shooting at you.

HUDSON: I dive.

NICK: Okay. Go ahead and roll me a Vigilance check, please. Could you roll me two yellows please, Cameron?

CAMERON: Three successes and one advantage on the yellows.

HUDSON: Just Vigilance, straight up?

NICK: Yep, just Vigilance, straight up.

HUDSON: Three advantages. [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah, okay. You go to dive and they get the drop on you. Roll me an average check, two greens and a yellow, please.

CAMERON: Two successes, three threats.

NICK: Ooh boy. So, as you dive to cover you get shot and with two successes you take 6 damage.


NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: That’s not a very good gun.



NICK: Heh. You dive behind cover. They’re using these stripped down E-11 blasters. They look like they’re designed for clearing buildings and to be light and easy for, say, if you were dropping into a planet, something like that, so it’s a modified weapon. Yeah. You’re shot, and you are pinned down. It’s your turn. What do you want to do?

[music stops]

HUDSON: Hmm. Do I have my vibro-axe?

NICK: Yeah. You got all your stuff.

HUDSON: Do I have a pistol?

NICK: I don’t know. Do you have a pistol?

CAMERON: Yes? You should have a pistol.

HUDSON: Yeah, I have a pistol on me generally.

NICK: Okay, then yeah.

HUDSON: Ooh. Alright. I stay behind my cover, but I shakily raise my hand with my gun, with my pistol, over the side and without looking shoot three times toward their direction.


NICK: Okay. Pew-pew-pew! Are you hoping to hit them or just to make them… Eh, just roll. Let’s see how this goes.

HUDSON: Roll, what was it?

NICK: Your light weapon skill at average difficulty.

CAMERON: Ranged: Light.

HUDSON: Ranged: Light has 0.

NICK: So just your Agility then.

HUDSON: One advantage.

NICK: One advantage. We’ll say that they kind of duck back out of this square for a minute. Your advantage can be that they have a black die on their next time trying to shoot you. At this point, they duck back behind cover, and you see a stormtrooper looking around the corner, and you begin to hear this high-pitched whine. It’s not the tinnitus. It’s a different one that seems to be coming from a rooftop nearby. You hear it go (charging up whoosh), and the stormtrooper looks around, and there is a flash of orange light, and the stormtrooper just turns into dust and floats away.

[jazz music starts sharp and turns calm]

It kind of looks like that scene from The Avengers.

LAURA: He’s been snapped!

NICK: But yeah, that stormtrooper is vaporized, and then there’s another high-pitched whining noise, [charging up whoosh] and then another one, there’s a flash of orange light and it turns into dust. One of the remaining stormtroopers goes “Sniper! Sniper, retreat!” They start to just run. A third one is shot and vanishes before the two manage to get behind a building and run away.

HUDSON: “Am I safe?!” I yell.


NICK: You hear a light chuckling from a building nearby. “Hold on there, chum. Let me get down there and see what’s going on.” And we’re going to cut away. So, Xianna, you managed to exit the fires and you find yourself kind of on the border between an industrial area and the docks. You’re pretty near to the bay. Occasionally you hear a really low but powerful boom as one of the ships in the bay arcs a plasma bolt up over the city and it comes down at various points seemingly at random. Every time that happens the whole ground shakes. Really the only thing you can see is one column of smoke far in the distance kind of ahead of you through several districts that looks like it may have come from some sort of rocket propulsion explosion. Actually, having been in a drop pod before that crash landed, it sure looks like what happens when a drop pod lands in a populated area. [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. Okay hank. I think that is one of the other drop pods. Let’s go that way. And, uh, can you stop being weird, please? It is really freaking me out.”

NICK: “Advice: Showing that much stress this early on in the mission is a sign of weakness.”

LAURA: “Okay. One, it is not stress, it is drugs. Two, I did not actually have a point two. I figured I would figure one out on the way and I did not, so uh, yes.”

NICK: “Acknowledged. I will follow the secondary user.”

LAURA: “Okay. Thank you. Again, let’s just go that way. Like 98% sure that is where another drop pod landed, so it would be most likely Karma or Tink unless someone else is also in a drop pod doing the same thing…”

NICK: Hey, flip me a dark side point, would you? As you say that, you hear a high-pitch shriek and smashing into the building next to you is a very large looking metal cube and it crushes through the front of this warehouse and there’s a hissing noise as the front pops open, and four stormtroopers in mat black armor with red night vision scopes over their eyes, or they’re probably infrared scopes, pour out and they just lock eyes with you. “Drop squad initiated. Attack!” Roll for Vigilance.

LAURA: [smiling] Okay. I put a point in Vigilance.

NICK: Ooh, smart.

CAMERON: What does Hank need to roll?

NICK: Two yellows and a green.


NICK: I made him very good at certain things.

LAURA: Alright. One success, three advantages.

CAMERON: HK got a triumph, three successes, and two advantages.

NICK: Oh… Could you roll me two yellows, please?

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Cool. Anything you want to spend the triumph on as far as making this fight easier, Xianna?

LAURA: Can there be something for Xianna to roll and duck behind?

NICK: Absolutely. There’s cover all over the place. This is a shattered, war-torn city. I’ll give you two options. There is a blown out crater that you can jump into foxhole style, and then there’s a knocked over front of a building with a waist-high wall that you can crouch behind.

LAURA: Wall.

NICK: Okay. With that many advantages and stuff you can start in cover.

LAURA: Xianna, while rolling over the wall, will be like, “Hank, shoot them!”

NICK: What did the troopers get?

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Hank says, “Order acknowledged. Preparatory Statement: Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!” The gun starts to spin up and he just starts to spray in a steady arc towards the troopers and they scatter and run for cover. Roll me a… what is it here, heavy weapons, he’s very good at this… two yellows and two greens, and it’s gonna be a hard for this skill that he’s doing. For the listeners,  I changed the way Hank’s gun works because I didn’t like the way it was working, which was that it just murdered everything.

CAMERON: [goofily] It was too powerful.

NICK: Well, that and, it was too powerful but not in the way I wanted it to be, so now his repeater thing has a special ability called Suppressing Fire that lets him assign black dice to things, so let’s see how he does.

CAMERON: Two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Two successes and an advantage. So, we’re going to say that is going to give two black dice to the stormtroopers next round, because they’re pinned down by this massive firing. Also, Hank’s just standing in the middle of the street, just (repetitive blast noises). He’s gonna do that all day. He’s in his comfort zone. It is the troopers’ turn. They’re going to shoot at Hank, because he’s real scary. That’s gonna be two yellows and average difficulty, but they have two black dice because they are suppressed.

CAMERON: One failure and one threat.

NICK: Okay. They are very suppressed. They try to shoot, but it’s kind of like how when Tink was shooting at the stormtroopers a minute ago. They’re holding their guns up and shooting, and I think with the threat one of the guns gets grazed and—

CAMERON: We get the cool side-by-side shot, because this is all happening at the same time, of them all just shooting.

NICK: Yeah. Everybody is shooting. Everybody is fighting. It’s going great. It was supposed to be a stealth mission… [sad laugh]

CAMERON: I feel like that wasn’t included in our briefing notes.

NICK: Eh, that’s fair. So, the troopers don’t hit jack. Xianna, it’s your turn.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna poke up over the wall a little bit, find the closest distance stormtrooper, aim, and shoot.

NICK: Are you back to using your pistol or do you still have…?

LAURA: I’m back to using my regular pistol, yeah.

NICK: So, it’s medium range. You could try and move up, but then they’ll also be at close range to you, so they might be more likely to hit you.

LAURA: I don’t want that.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Two successes and one threat.

NICK: How much damage does your pistol do?

LAURA: So, that damage… It will be 9, because I get a success and a threat at the first shot of each encounter, so I actually have three successes, two threats.

NICK: Nice. You’re able to pretty quickly, from where you dove to cover, it’s at an angle from the cover they’re trying to take against Hank so they don’t really have cover against you, and you’re able to hit one of them and he just drops. You know that high-pitch noise the scout troopers make when they get thrown into trees on Endor? That’s the noise it makes, and the guy just drops. You’re able to wing another one. He doesn’t go down, but he turns and says “There’s multiple combatants. Flank! Flank!” They start to dive to different cover to try to get away from you. It is back to Hank’s turn. I think Hank’s gonna throw a grenade. That will be Light: Ranged, which he’s not very good at. It will be three green versus two purple and a black die, because they have cover. Oh wait, four green, sorry. His Agility is four.

CAMERON: I was confused why the number of dice changed. Is he aiming his grenade?

NICK: [smiling] You can’t aim grenades.

CAMERON: [laughs] Worth a try. Just one success.

NICK: One success. He blows up the one that you winged, so now we’re down to two stormtroopers, because one success isn’t enough to kill multiple because it doesn’t have blast activated because he doesn’t have advantages. Yeah, he chucks one and then he starts to move up, so he’ll use his maneuver to get closer for next time. It is the troopers’ turn. They are going to radio for assistance. So, across the city, Karma, you hear on the stormtrooper one, the standard troop movement one, which you had heard there was a countdown going and you weren’t sure what that was and then you saw the boom of something going in, but as you’re moving across you hear, “We found enemy combatants. Assistance needed! Assistance needed!” And then you can hear blaster fire and stuff in the background as you’re making your way towards Tink, and they’re going to shoot at Hank because he threw a grenade at them and he’s still kind of just standing in the open. That will be a yellow and a green. They lost one of their upgrades because they’re at half strength. Versus two purple.

CAMERON: Nothing.

NICK: Nothing! We get a really cool shot of an explosion and Hank standing there with his big rifle and blaster bullets going all around him, and not hitting him, and him looking completely unphased and frankly kind of bored because that’s how his face looks. It is Xianna’s turn.

CAMERON: He has resting bored face.

NICK: [smiling] Yeah.

LAURA: What range is the closest stormtrooper at this point?

NICK: They are still medium, and they are under cover against you, but you could move up to short range if you wanted to.

LAURA: I’m not going to.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: But I am gonna aim.

NICK: You do have a black die, because they’re in cover now. Now that you’ve shot one of them they moved so that there are rocks in the way.

LAURA: Would scanner goggles do anything against that?

NICK: Not against rocks, so much…

LAURA: rocks, yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: I had to try.

NICK: No, that’s fair. If it was because of the occlusion from the smoke in that fire area, yes, but that didn’t happen.

LAURA: Okay. Two successes and an advantage, so 8 damage.

NICK: That’s enough to kill one. You down to one, and that one you managed to graze. You’re just systematically picking them off at this point. The one trooper is left, and it’s Hank’s turn, isn’t it?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.


NICK: Hank’s just gonna shoot him. Heh. The trooper stands up and looks like he’s going for a satchel charge at his belt to try to throw it, and Hank’s gonna move up, so it’s just gonna be an easy shot. He’s gonna aim, so he’ll take a strain to do that. Hank basically runs up to right next to this guy and unloads.

CAMERON: He’s finally getting to shoot organics.

NICK: Yeah, he’s pretty happy. They kind of look like robots though.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: Oh boy. That’s 12 damage. Yeah, so Hank just unloads into this stormtrooper’s chest. They are thrown backwards by the force of the gunfire into a far wall, and Hank says, “Tactical Assessment: The threat is eliminated.” The gun starts to spin down. So, you have managed to clear the stormtroopers. Hank says, “Question: Secondary user, what is our next objective?”

LAURA: “Okay… Um, oh boy. Should we try the coms? Have we tried that yet?”

NICK: “Ooh. I am very good at making com calls.”

LAURA: “Okay. You call either Karma or Hank. No, you’re Hank. I’m very tired now. You call Karma or Tink, or maybe do like a conference call and get both.”

NICK: “Dialing the crew of the Afternoon Delight.” Everyone’s coms start to ring including Xianna’s.

LAURA: “Ello~”

NICK: “Hello. This is HK-67.”

LAURA: “Yes, I know, Hank—“

CAMERON: “Hello?”

LAURA: “—I told you to call! Heh.”

NICK: “Hello, primary user Karma.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey, HK. How are you?”

NICK: “This is HK-67 calling for a tactical update.”

HUDSON: “Hi. Uh, new com, who this?”

LAURA: “Tink! You know who this is!”

HUDSON: “I know.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Greetings, Boss Man. This is HK-67 calling for a tactical assessment. I have killed two stormtroopers so far. More organics are incoming.”

LAURA: “Yes. Hank and I ran into some stormtroopers, but they are dead now so it’s okay.”

NICK: “Scratch that, three stormtroopers, I also killed the one on the speeder bike.”

CAMERON: “Alright. If we’re keeping a tally, I’ve killed one. I don’t know why this is an important update, but I’ll go with it.”

LAURA: “Did I get two or three, Hank?”

NICK: “Admonishment: You got two, but winged two more.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “I finished them off. I get the credit.”

LAURA: “I get two assists. That’s how that works.”

NICK: “We can count assists in loser town.”

LAURA: “Well no, assists are just a separate stat in addition to points.”

NICK: “If that makes you feel like you are contributing, that is fine.”

LAURA: “And then you also have a stat for attempted point.”

CAMERON: ‘Okay. I feel like we’re losing track of this tactical conversation. Where are y’all at? Where did y’all land? Is everybody okay? How’s everybody feeling?”

LAURA: “We’re in a different spot than where we landed. Where we landed was literally on fire.”

CAMERON: “Oh, I saw that place! [laughs] I went away from there.”

LAURA: “Yeah, we did too.”

CAMERON: “If you were in the fire place, then Tink, I think I’m headed towards where your drop pot hid.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah—“

CAMERON: “Drop pod hid? Drop pot hit. What? Wait, no.”

NICK: Drop. Pod. Hit.

CAMERON: “Sorry, I think the smoke is doing weird things to my vocal cords. I’m not even gonna try to say it again.”

LAURA: “Hank, where are we currently?”

NICK: “Hell if I know.”

HUDSON: [chuckles]

LAURA: “Okay. We don’t know where we are.”

CAMERON: “Are you moving away from the fire? Not in the water.”

NICK: “We are moving towards the column of jet smoke in the far corner of the city.”

CAMERON: “Okay cool. I think that’s Tink. I am also headed there.”

NICK: “These look like docks, I guess.”

CAMERON: “Oh cool! Yeah, I saw that too. Alright. I’m to the left of y’all.”

NICK: As this conversation is going on, Tink, you feel a hand touch the side of your head and hang up your com. “Sorry friend, I’m going to need your undivided attention.” We’re going to just cut out of the split screen phone call thing to standing next to you. That must have scared the bejesus out of you, because this guy just showed up and was silent.

HUDSON: I got a lot of questions.

NICK: So, standing in front of you, you see Neato the Rodian mercenary. He’s wearing scuffed up old style body armor, it looks like Clone Wars era armor, and is wearing an eyepatch and has a disrupter rifle, which kind of looks like a handheld vacuum cleaner with some piping stuck into it and is pretty much the most illegal gun in the Star Wars universe.

[soft jazz music starts]

HUDSON: It’s also really expensive, right?

NICK: It’s very expensive. It’s very illegal. No one makes them. you’re not supposed to have them. just knowing where they are can get you sent to jail. They’re very bad. But you’ve seen what they do, which is turn people into dust, so they’re very good for sniping and things, and his has a big scope on it. Neato holds out his hand. “Well, I guess I should introduce myself. My name’s Neato, chum. Looks like you’ve found yourself in a bit of a hootenanny. Mind if I step in for a song? Takes two Geonosians to tango, after all.”

HUDSON: [quietly] “What’s a hootenanny…?”


NICK: “It’s a whiz bang, a fist fight, fisticuffs. A mix-up. A slam down!”

HUDSON: “So… You’re Neato.”

NICK: “Right. Now you’re getting the song I’m singing.”

HUDSON: “[groans]”

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Why do you talk like that?”

NICK: “This is how I talk. You got a problem with the way I am, chum?”

HUDSON: “… Nope.”

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Not at all, Neato. You are what we came here for, uh, it seems.”

NICK: “That’s a bit foreboding. What brings you here? I’m trying to free this fair city from old Palpy’s Imperial troops.”

HUDSON: “Well, looks like some fire has happened.”

[music stops]

NICK: “I wasn’t saying that it was going swimmingly.”

HUDSON: “So, what stage are you at in that plan?”

NICK: “You know that stage right before losing where the few ragtag people can band together and fight back against impossible odds? We’re at that stage.”

HUDSON: “Ahh. Yes. I see.”

NICK: “That’s what I said earlier, a hootenanny.”

HUDSON: “Still don’t know what that means.” [laughter] “I think you should meet the rest of my team. They’re a bunch of great folks.”

NICK: “Well whiz bang. I thought you were using the Imperial we. Glad to hear you’ve got some chums yourself, chum.”

HUDSON: “Yes…”

NICK: At this point I think karma jogs into the square looking at the rooves. “Is that one with you, friend, or is there more of a firefight to conflagrate?” He aims the rifle at Karma.

HUDSON: “Oh, no-no-no, put that down. We know—That’s Karma.”

NICK: “Karma! Friend or foe?”

CAMERON: “Friend. This is slightly off from the pose. Tink, could you kind of like drape yourself along this little run and grab his leg for me, please?”

NICK: “Oh! You’re a fan of the holo-talkies.”

CAMERON: “I just need to confirm that you are the correct orange Rodian I’m looking for.”

NICK: Neato throws a leg up on a pile of rubble and puts the gun on his shoulder. “Now chum, you need to be down here on the right side. It balances the tableau.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Right. Yes.” I do that.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma takes out her camera and takes a picture and puts it back in her mom bag, because there’s a camera in her mom bag. Just how mom bags work.

NICK & LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: Holo-camera.

CAMERON: Yeah. I’ll get that printed at Eckerd’s later.


LAURA: Gonna frame it and put it on the wall of the ship.

HUDSON: If I knew tonight we’d have an Eckerd’s reference, I’d have looked forward to it more.


NICK: “Well, it’s good to see that we have more chums. I seem to have run out of the old ones.” Neato looks actually sad for a second and looks down. You can see, it looks like a young soldier who has been partially crushed by rubble. They are very dead, and there’s a holo-recorder smashed up next to them. Neato just kind of shakes his head and makes a hand sign of respect. “But you know, war is a fickle mistress. At least now we’ve got some new compatriots. What’s the plan?”

CAMERON: “Well, I’m kind of coming into this conversation half way. I don’t know what y’all have talked about so far.”

HUDSON: “So uh, this chum, right here…”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh?”

NICK: “Yes, I’m a chum!”

HUDSON: “…is trying to liberate the people of this area.”

NICK: “It’s a real hootenanny.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah. Okay. Right, got it.”

HUDSON: “Oh—Well.”

CAMERON: “We’re in the stage where all of the ragtag group are gonna have to get together and fight back against oppression, right?”

HUDSON: “Yeah…”

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, that’s just common word usage.”

HUDSON: “I didn’t know that.”

NICK: “Now we’re dancing to the same song.”

HUDSON: [groans] … I don’t know if that was me or Tink.


CAMERON: Y’all can’t see Hudson grimacing, but it’s great.

HUDSON: “Well, I guess we’re missing our last two members of the squad here. Do you know where they are?”

CAMERON: “They were over in the docks when we were on the phone. You kind of left. They said they were gonna keep heading here though, and then we all just kind of hung up.”

HUDSON: “Alright. Snack break?”

CAMERON: “Okay! Do y’all want granola bars?” [laughs]

NICK: “If they’re down by the docks they may have some real problems. Maybe we should run to them.”

CAMERON: “Okay!”

NICK: “Can’t let Palpy get a leg up on us.”

CAMERON: “Alright. Do y’all want the granola bars as we run?”

HUDSON: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Here you go.”

HUDSON: “Oh, yes! Chocolate chip!”

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: So I guess they jog off, and we get back to Hank and Xianna. I think Hank is in the middle of saying, “Diagnostic Statement: Left servo at 67%, right servo at 83%, ocular vision 48% occluded by smoke,” and he’s just listing a bunch of numbers.

LAURA: “Okay Hank, what if I give you my scanner goggles? Would that make your vision better than 40-something percent? Do you not have that built in? Can we just…”

NICK: “Admonishment: I actually do not know how that works.” He holds out his hand for the scanner goggles.

LAURA: Xianna takes her goggles off and walks past his hand and puts them on his head.

NICK: As you put them on his head you hear microphone feedback and a static noise. “Panicked Statement: Ouch! Ouch! Take it off! Take it off!”

LAURA: Okay! I take it off! I take it off!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. That is not working.”

NICK: “Evaluation: Those goggles interfere with my ocular sensors, 48% is still roughly 50 times better than most organics.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay… Well, um, you know, if you get worried about any of your percentages, you know, let us know. I don’t know what we can do for you, but let us know.”

NICK: “It is okay. My empathy for organics is still default to 0%. We will be fine.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: You all walk off. I think you make it through the docks towards the edge of the art district and you all are able to kind of triangulate. You don’t run into more stormtroopers or anything. You do occasionally hear the loud, rumbling boom of another artillery strike and the occasional shrieking whistle of an Imperial drop pod coming down, but none of them are close to you. It really gives you just a general vibe for this war of attrition going on. You all meet up in the bombed out lobby of an art museum. Xianna and Hank walk in as Karma and Tink are eating granola bars, sitting on the reception counter, and Neato has his leg up on a tipped over statue and is dramatically shielding his eye and looking out, surveying the scene. As you pull up he says, “Well, it looks like the gang’s all here, chums.”

LAURA: “Ello.”

HUDSON: “This is Neato.”

LAURA: “Yes, I know that.”

CAMERON: “Neato, this is Xianna, and that’s HK.”

NICK: “Oh. You’ve got yourselves one of those fizz bang assassin droids, I see.”

CAMERON: “Sure do~”

LAURA: “His name is Hank.”

NICK: “They may be quick on the trigger, but they’re nothing for an experienced blaster on the hip.”

LAURA: “I don’t know. You have not seen hank shoot people yet.”

NICK: “Well hopefully we’ll see that happen. Gotta put the fight to old Palpy.”


LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “So, Xianna has an accent, so it’s not Ank, it’s Hank.”

LAURA: “’Zat’ is what I said. ‘Ank.’”


NICK: “Thanks for the clarification, chum.”

HUDSON: “You’re quite welcome.”

NICK: “Looks like the old jumpsuit’s got some breathing room, so let’s talk strategy. You’re trying to hire me, right?”

CAMERON: “Indeed we are. Did Tink give you any information before we met up?”

NICK: “He just said I’m the one he’s looking for.”

CAMERON: “Well, that is true.”

NICK: “It is flattering, and I do feel some romantic tension there, but we should really be focused on the fighting.”


CAMERON: “I’ll give you a copy of the picture once I have it developed.”

NICK: “Well thanks, it can go on the wall of glory~”

CAMERON: “Great. So anyway. Yes. You are the one we are looking for. We’ve been sent by our, employer? I guess.”

LAURA: “yes! Sentinel.”

NICK: “You said that strangely questioningly. Is there a question about if your employer in question is actually your employer?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. I don’t- I don’t…”

HUDSON: “You know how like some people are contractors and some people are employees and some people are day laborers?”

CAMERON: “Yeah, it’s kind of one of those situations.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “I’m not sure if we—I don’t think we ever signed a contract, so I don’t think we’re employees. I think we are contracting.”

LAURA: “I think we are more on the day labor, because even a contractor is called that because they sign a contract.”

CAMERON: “Oh, well that’s a very valid point.”

NICK: “I’m freelance.”

LAURA: “I think maybe we are more freelance.”

CAMERON: “Alright. Maybe we’re freelance. Yeah.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I think we’re all freelance.”

LAURA: “But he is employing us for this mission.”

CAMERON: We’re consultants…?


LAURA: “Also, we don’t have confirmation that he is directly the one paying us, or funding us I guess. It could be someone else who is providing the funding.”

CAMERON: “We’ve been sent by, our buddy, to come and see if you would be willing to join a high-ranking cool team of, I don’t know, really talented people.”

NICK: “Well, if they’re not real biscuit boxers yet, give them a month with me and I’ll make them some.”

LAURA: “Oh no, the one can punch so good.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. We have met one of the team members.”

LAURA: “She did beat Tink in a fight.”

HUDSON: “Whoa. I think that was more of a—“

LAURA: “She punched you so hard.”

HUDSON: “—friendly scuffle.”

LAURA: “I mean, it was, but it was also a fight and she definitely won.”

CAMERON: “She beat you so hard in that friendly scuffle.”

HUDSON: “I think there’s a philosophical question of if anyone wins when there’s fighting going on.”

LAURA: “No. I won money off of it, so yes, she did win.”

HUDSON: “Alright…”

NICK: “Now this is very interesting for the group dynamic, but more importantly…”

LAURA: “Yes. As far as I know, Tink is single.”

NICK: “I’m not one to put pleasure before business. What are you paying me?”

LAURA: “To date Tink?!”

NICK: “No, for the job.”

LAURA: “Oh! I have no idea. Heh.”

CAMERON: “So, the payout, TBD on when it would actually get paid out, I’m not sure exactly…”

NICK: “I’m pretty used to that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, you get it. I’m a bounty hunter, I also get it. It would be 15,000 Credits.”

NICK: “Fifteen grand? That’s a lot of scratch.”

CAMERON: “Yes. We were talking earlier about how you’re in the hootenanny stage of this mission.”

NICK: “Yep. Can’t abandon a hootenanny.”

CAMERON: “Exactly.”

LAURA: “Is this a hootenanny or a shindig?”

NICK: “No, a shindig is like two stages before, you’re starting to lose but the teams are still fairly balanced, right now we’re full hootenanny. This is almost a lost cause, but with you all here we may have a shot.”

HUDSON: ‘How…”

LAURA: “Wait. No. I thought a shindig is at more like step one or two, where you gather everyone for the first time and start the rebellion…?”

CAMERON: “No, that’s a hoedown.”

LAURA: “Oh, that’s a hoedown! Okay.”

CAMERON: “It also has to take place in a barn.”

LAURA: “Okay. Okay. Yes. Yes.”

NICK: “Don’t forget that any of these can be overwritten by just yelling ‘it’s party time’ while shooting the enemy.”

LAURA: “Okay, no-no, yes. So a hootenanny is towards the end where you have to gather hope and really push for it.”

NICK: “Yes. We all know what a hootenanny is.”

LAURA: “Yes. Ryloth has been on the hootenanny stage for like two decades now.”

NICK: “Ooh. That’s a long hootenanny.”

HUDSON: “We all know it now. I don’t know how you all knew it earlier.”


LAURA: “You had never heard of these?”


CAMERON: “So you don’t have as much experience in combat stuff.”

HUDSON: “I don’t talk like—“

CAMERON: “This is common lingo.”

HUDSON: “I don’t talk like a weirdo.”

LAURA: “Yeah, a hootenanny, a shindig, a hoedown, you know.”

HUDSON: “Egh. I thought they were all synonymous.”

CAMERON: “Mm. Slight differences, and they make a big difference.”

HUDSON: [laughs] “Alright. We’ll go with that, sure.”

NICK: “Well chums, if you want me to join your little soiree, first we’re gonna have to sidle up to something heroic. These civvies here have a lot of heart but no durasteel, if you know what I mean. We’re gonna need to help them out, because I’m not leaving until this hootenanny is no longer a hootenanny one way or another.”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, half the city is on fire.”

NICK: “Always a good start. We can probably use that.”

LAURA: “Okay. Yeah. If you think so.”

NICK: “So, I should clarify, I am not the only combatant in this city right now.”

CAMERON: “Okay. I was getting concerned. You were the only one we’d seen.”

NICK: “**Sart has a militia, not much of one left anymore, but they’re real scrapers, real scrappers. They’re out by the shield facility.” [smiling] The camera turns, and something that we haven’t described so far, as far from the bay as you can get before the jungle starts there’s this giant domed looking factory with a huge blueish-green laser shooting out of it, and that’s the source of the space shield. That’s been there the whole time. “Yeah, so they’re all hold up at that shield facility over there. We should probably meet up with the general of the militia, see if we can get them for one final push, because if they continue this attrition situation this hootenanny is gonna turn into a disaster real quick.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

HUDSON: “Sounds good to me.”

CAMERON: “Sounds like a plan. I do have an Imperial com if that would be beneficial.”

NICK: “That’s helpful. Yeah, that should be pretty good. We’ll sock it to old Palpy, get out of here somehow, and then—“

CAMERON: “Oh, we got a plan for that part, too.”

NICK: “Oh. Awesome. Does it have something to do with that big old backpack on your friend, the white Wookie?”

CAMERON: “Why it just might.”

HUDSON: “I… Yeah, no, I… just have a lot of… nah, I’ve tried to make… It’s been a long day.”


LAURA: “No, the stratopack thingy.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, I got them. I got them in there.”

NICK: “You all really look like you took a couple of hits to the thinkers there. Rough entry?”

LAURA: “I woke up upside-down bleeding, and the outside was all on fire, so yes.”

HUDSON: “I was in a cracked egg.”

CAMERON: “I was underwater.”

NICK: “Sounds like my standard Tuesday night!”

CAMERON: “I’m very glad I was the one who ended up underwater and not one of y’all.”

LAURA: “Tink, you were in an egg?!”

HUDSON: “No. My ship cracked like an egg.”

LAURA: “Ohh! Okay.”

CAMERON: “[sweetly] You’re like a baby bird, all fluffy.”

LAURA: “I was a little confused by that.”

NICK: As you’re walking through the art district headed towards this shield facility you actually find the top half of Tink’s drop pod several kilometers away including part of his chair that was still attached to it.

LAURA: “Oh kriff!”

CAMERON: “Oh. Here’s your headrest.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, that was a close’n.”

NICK: “Well, let’s get to it and sock one to old Palpy.” You all head off towards the shield facility, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 39 It’s Raining Mercenaries

PDF download: Episode 39 It’s Raining Mercenaries

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 39:
It’s Raining Mercenaries

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, I want to thank our newest Patron, Kevin Lovecraft. Thank you so much for supporting the show. May the light side always shine upon you and yours.

In other news, we’re back from GenCon and we had a blast. It was great to see friends of the show there and immerse ourselves in podcasting and gaming culture for a few days. Our Patreon-exclusive feed has a recording of our thoughts already published and will feature the panel we presented as soon as we get it balanced and edited. Thank you to everyone who dropped by and said hi. It was an amazing experience this year.

Music this week is MegaMetal by Loyalty Freak Music.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 39 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Everybody go around the table and say who you’re playing today, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I’m gonna be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: I feel like we’ve made that joke recently.


LAURA: It’s possible. I have no concept of time.

CAMERON: Yeah, but Laura hasn’t started the joke though, so it’s a different funny.

NICK: Oh, okay.


LAURA: I’m Laura, and I’m playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Oh, I forgot to say my random weird shit. … Oh well.

LAURA: Say it now.

CAMERON: I didn’t miss it.

NICK: Ohh! [hurt groan]

HUDSON: Ohh-ho-ho!

CAMERON: Ohh! There you go. There’s your funny.

NICK: Geez.

LAURA: Well, Hudson and I missed it.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Thanks guys. [fake sobbing] That made me sad. Up next we’ve got Hudson, because Cameron’s off the show now.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. The whole crew is back at it again. A kind of quick recap of what happened last time:

CAMERON: Do you need help?

LAURA: Do you want me to read my notes?

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: Possible girlfriends with Nolaa? Saw a Jedi once. It was cool. Girlfriend status achieved. Can flirt, fake wedding is okay. Secret tattoo.

CAMERON: I thought that was from the previous-previous episode.

LAURA: I have no idea, but that’s where my notes stop.

NICK: Heh. The last episode was just so engaging.

CAMERON: The last episode, the Tallahassee Quagmire showed up. Xianna and Tink—

LAURA: Got trapped in a box.

CAMERON: –got trapped in a box, because they tried to break into the Tallahassee Quagmire.

NICK: That happened.

HUDSON: Not break in!

CAMERON: Uh yeah, break in.

HUDSON: I was trying to claim a room, if I recall.

NICK: Yeah. That’s exactly what happened.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm, breaking in. Karma left a really bad Yelp review specifically naming the concierge who was mean to her. Then, had a lovely lunch, her, HK, and Tiny, and Carn Harn?

NICK: Carn Horn.

LAURA: Caaarn. CARN!

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Carn Horn, our new Wookie friend, had a lovely lunch while Xianna and Tink slowly suffocated on the ship.

NICK: Yeah. Thank you for that recap. I was drawing kind of a blank there.

CAMERON: HK is gonna go to the little droid’s room, and is great at taking phone calls.

NICK: Yup. He is now going to be the secretary/receptionist.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. Before we start, let’s go ahead and do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two light side~

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.


NICK: That’s good. Alright, so we open with a close-up shot of Tiny’s face. “Well, if you make it out of where we’re dropping you alive, yeah, we can meet up and do something, but that would be a pretty big if.” The camera zooms out with an action shot of the crew standing in the open cargo area of the Tallahassee Quagmire. We can see a row of small sealed doors by the entrance, but the actual ship is pretty empty. There are exposed wires and metal supports everywhere as though everything that could be torn out to make space has been. Tiny, the captain of the ship, is leaning against the entrance to the cockpit. His co-pilot, Carn Horn, [car horn beep-beep] is digging in the walls presumably getting things ready for departure. The ship is dimly lit and feels strangely still and silent since it hasn’t been powered on yet. Tiny looks you all over. “So, we’ll be ready to take off again in about half an hour. If you need to fetch any gear for this or anything, you’re going into a warzone, so I’d recommend against the bikini.” He’s looking at Xianna.

LAURA: “Well, I mean, I brought other clothes.”

CAMERON: “And technically it’s a one-piece. It’s all connected.”

LAURA: “It is a one-piece. It is all connected, just not in a way that I understand. It does take me a very long time to put it on.”

NICK: Tiny blushes a little bit and is trying to not look for too long. “Wait. So, you have things with you? Where are you keeping them? I see your little beach bag, but—“

LAURA: “In the beach bag!”

NICK: “That’s it?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Oh. Okay.”

HUDSON: What’s the encumbrance?


CAMERON: Well, it is a big beach bag.

LAURA: “It has my coat which has a gun, and drugs, and some binders, and scanner goggles, and that is about it. Yes.”

CAMERON: Karma fully suited up and HK grabbed his gun and we were just walking around the resort with it. [laughs]

NICK: Oh yeah. Nobody said anything. That’s weird.


NICK: Tiny looks around and says, “So, uh, big guy, the white Wookie, you got everything that you need?”

HUDSON: “Well…” I forgot if I have my vibro-axe.

CAMERON: [laughs] “Okay. We’re all gonna walk back over to our ship real quick and double-check to make sure we have everything. We’ll be right back. Come on, kids.”

NICK: “Alright. Alright Carn, [car horn beep-beep] let’s see if we can get this sucker moving.”

LAURA: “But I brought everythiiing.”

HUDSON: “A walk won’t hurt you.”

LAURA: “It might.”

HUDSON: “I mean, I guess…”

CAMERON: “You can grab another tiki drink.”

LAURA: [resigned] “Okay…”

NICK: [chuckles] We get the circle wipe that they use in Batman a lot and we see the crew walking across a very small parking lot to their ship, and then another circle wipe and the crew walking back. Everybody has all the gear that they’re gonna need, standard adventure load out, unless there’s extra stuff they want to grab. Anybody need extra stuff?

HUDSON: No. Oh, maybe.

CAMERON: I don’t think so. I think I have all my stuffs.

NICK: So Xianna, do you just throw your coat on over your bathing suit for now, or did you switch back, or…?

LAURA: Nobody knows.

NICK: Oh yeah. That’s fair. Wearing the coat. Cool. Everybody’s well-armed. Carn Horn [beep-beep] the—

CAMERON: (boop-bwoop!)

NICK: You lock the ship…?


NICK: Carn Horn [beep-beep] the Wookie is elbow deep in the wall of the ship doing something and you get the [whooshing] of the ship turning on. He makes the Wookie noise, which I am not going to try to make.

CAMERON: [laughing] He pulls his pliers out of the wall and is like ‘yay, it started.’

NICK: Yeah. [laughs]

LAURA: Is it now time for all of us to try making the Wookie noise?

NICK: I guess…

[various attempts and laughter]

NICK: Oh gosh. Yeah, so Tiny turns to you all and says, “Well, we’ve got two more crash harnesses up front if two people want to sit down up there, but we should probably get out of here. We’ll jump to empty space and we’ll explain what your entry plan is, and then we’ll be in it. So, who’s gonna sit in the cockpit?”

CAMERON: “I’m gonna sit up front.” Karma runs up front.

NICK: “Great. Karma’s got a seat. There’s one empty seat, unless you both want to rattle around back here.”

LAURA: “Ooh! I call dibs.”

HUDSON: “I guess I’ll run around back here.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “You can run around.”

NICK: Okay. Great. We get a shot through the open cockpit door. It’s kind of like the Millennium Falcon where there’s a slidy door that cuts the cockpit off, but they leave it open. There’s Carn [beep-beep], Tiny, Xianna, and Karma all strapped in, and they take off and they fly up into the atmosphere, and they punch it and go to hyperspace, and we see the lights streak out, and we see Tink go ‘WHOA…’ as he flies and bounces into a wall, because there’s nothing else to hold onto here.

LAURA & CAMERON: [vroom and zoom noises]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: He rattles around a little bit and then gets back up. A little while later the ship snaps back into regular space. We get the Tallahassee Quagmire just floating in the star-speckled abyss that is the middle of nowhere, and Tiny unbuckles his crash harness and turns around. “So, what do you know about where you’re going?”

CAMERON: “I remember it being a warzone…?”

LAURA: “Like, when we die?”

CAMERON: “No. Why would you get that, Xianna?”

LAURA: “I don’t know. Just like, where are we going.”

NICK: “Harn!”

CAMERON: “The mission.” [laughs]

LAURA: “What happens once we die? You know, where do we go?” Heh.

HUDSON: “I’m looking into that!” I yell from the back.

CAMERON: “He did ask me about that earlier.”

HUDSON: “There’s a lot of options!”

NICK: “Complaining Statement: No one offered me a seat.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh no!

NICK: HK’s clutching onto one of the crossbeams.

LAURA: “Well, because there were no more seats. I called dibs so there were only two.”

NICK: “Clarification: At least I didn’t smash around into the walls like Tink. I think that there may be permanent damage to some of the walls.” There’s dents in some of the wiring and things.

HUDSON: “It’s your fault for tearing up everything and not leaving a seat for us.”

NICK: “Look, it’s a smuggling thing. Technically you all are cargo, so we could have just locked you in one of the smuggling compartments, but those seal and don’t have air. No kind of smuggler would ever stick a live person into a cargo compartment with no air.”

LAURA: “Um…”

NICK: That’s funny, because Han Solo does that in some of the books.

CAMERON: Oh. I was gonna say that’s funny because that’s what happened to Tink and Xianna earlier.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. That’s also funny for that. “But yeah, no one would do that.”

CAMERON: “Of course not.”

LAURA: “Yeah… Okie.”

NICK: “So, the planet we’re taking you to…”


LAURA: “It is?”

NICK: “It’s called Fygo.”

CAMERON: Let me see if I wrote this down.

NICK: “I’m assuming that Sentinel gave you some information?”

LAURA: “No. Can you spell it for me?”

NICK: “F-Y-G-O.”

HUDSON: Moon mist.

NICK: No. I wish I hadn’t named the planet this, but it’s  too late now.

LAURA: “Oh yes, that is the planet where the juggaloos live.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs and groans] Oh poop.

LAURA: “They have a very unique white and black skin color. It is in like splotches on their face.”

HUDSON: They have vibro-hatchets.

LAURA: “They all carry vibro-hatchets. It is a very loud and rambunctious planet.”

NICK: “Oh no, you’re thinking of the planet Faygo.”

CAMERON: So, my entire set of notes for this mission was ‘meeting the Tallahassee Quagmire, captain Tiny’s ship.’

NICK: The end.

CAMERON: Apparently I just trusted that somebody was gonna tell me what was going on at this point. [laughs]

NICK: That’s fine. “So, sounds like you all don’t remember much. The good news is I know a little bit about what’s going on, so let me give you an update.”

CAMERON: “Oh, that’s good.”

NICK: “So, planet of Fygo, currently under Imperial interdiction, at least one star destroyer currently bombarding one of the two main cities on the planet. It sounds like the person that you’re supposed to go pick up is on the planet, in the city being bombarded. The problem with that, normally not too big a deal, sneak aboard a star destroyer, either blow the star destroyer up, steal some TIE fighters, sometimes you spray the TIE fighter really cool colors and it makes it stand out but it’s your style and that’s okay… but can’t do that this time. There’s an issue with the planetary defense shield. Somebody seems to have overloaded it, so there’s no way in or out. Not great. Seems like the Empire and whoever is left of the city down on the surface are still fighting it out, but it’s pretty difficult to get down there, unless you have drop pods.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you all.

CAMERON: “Let me guess, you have drop pods.”

NICK: “Yeah, I’ve got drop pods.”

LAURA: “I was in a drop pod once.”

NICK: “Really? How’d that go?”

LAURA: “Pretty good!”

NICK: “Yeah?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Everybody came out in one piece?”

LAURA: “The people that needed to. Pretty sure.”

NICK: “Oh.”

LAURA: “Actually, I’m pretty sure everyone. I don’t think anyone died on impact of the drop pod I was in.”

NICK: [chuckles] “I think you get it. That’s about the success rate we would hope for. Most of the time it’s fine. It’s not something people normally would use to land on a planet, because 99% of the time a space ship would be a better choice, but these babies have a lot of extra shielding and interference so they should be able to pierce the shields and get you down to the surface.” He points over your shoulders and you see those small doors that were in the back wall. They pretty much hook up with what you thought were booster rockets on the back of the ship originally. ‘Yeah, so when we get there we’re gonna skim the surface of the shield and hopefully not get shot. You all basically just jump into those drop pods, launch them down, try to coordinate where you’re going to land, and then from there you’re on the planet. You can do whatever you need to do to pick this person up. Now here’s the part where it gets a little tricky.”

He opens a panel on the side of the cockpit and slides out what looks like a four-foot-long footlocker, and it looks pretty light, and it’s got carrying straps and stuff. He flips it open and you see what looks like a row of briefcases with a few lights on them. “Ever seen one of these before?” He holds it up and it looks kind of like a backpack but just square, probably half a meter by half a meter, a lot of lights on it, and one button and that’s it. He waves it around.

HUDSON: “Oh yeah. I’ve seen them. Are you an aspiring DJ?”

NICK: “Ooh. Close. Not quite. Good guess, though.”

CAMERON: Heh. Laser tag.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Those are lock boxes for your drugs.”

NICK: “No…”

LAURA: “Then I have no more guesses.”

NICK: “I do like everybody’s attempts to participate. We’re off to a great start. So, these are stratopacks. Essentially, if you put them on and press the button it will put you outside of the atmosphere so that we can pick you up.”

LAURA: ‘It is a reverse parachute! Got it.”

NICK: “Yeah. Pretty much.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: “The thing, though, is it does have a small oxygen supply, but you’ll probably—you won’t be completely out of atmo, so you won’t decompress for about three minutes. That should be plenty of time for us to pick you back up and whoever you’re supposed to be bringing onboard as well. I would recommend all going at the same time so we only have to make one sweep, but if for some reason that’s not possible these all have tracking beacons on them. That’s why we get paid so much. It’s sort of a specialty of ours we picked up after Quiggle died. We had to find something that—“

CAMERON: [giggling] “Like, two weeks ago?”

NICK: “Yeah. We had to find something to do, and most of the crew was gone so we couldn’t do smash and grabs anymore, so I bought these stratopacks, and Sentinel paid for these drop pods, and now we’ve got a whole new business set up.”

CAMERON: “Nifty.”

NICK: “Yeah. It’s been pretty good so far.” You can actually see that even though it hasn’t been that long, Tiny seems a lot more assured. He’s got his big captain’s hat on with the big feather.

CAMERON: He’s actually a commodore is what he told me last time, so I think he has a commodore hat.

NICK: Yes. Sure. Whatever you want to call it.

CAMERON: It made a difference in Pirates of the Caribbean.

NICK: It did. That’s true. You can see that the relationship he has with Carn [beep-beep] the Wookie is pretty strong, just from the way that they work the ship together, that they’ve bonded pretty quick and they’ve got at least this ship. If he’s calling himself a commodore he may have more, it’s unclear. “Yeah, so long story short, you’re gonna use the drop pods, drop down to the planet, go find whoever you need, put one of these stratopacks on them, hit the button, and then we’ll pick you up, and then hopefully we don’t die, and then we’ll come back here. Well, not here. We’ll probably go back to that beach planet. It seemed pretty nice, and also your ship is there, so you’ll need that.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm! Yes.”

NICK: “Questions, comments, concerns?”

CAMERON: “Who are we picking up?”

LAURA: “Exactly.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. Pretty sure Sentinel told you, didn’t he?”

CAMERON: I didn’t write it down, so I’m gonna say no. [laughs]

NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: Karma is a very diligent note taker and would have written it down if Sentinel had told us.

NICK: I have recorded evidence of Cameron going ‘we’re gonna focus just on these beach episodes for now, you re-explain it later.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway. “Oh yeah, I guess that would be important. So, you’re supposed to be picking up some mercenary type, I heard. His name’s Neato. Surely you’ve heard of him, he’s pretty famous. Well, he was back in the day. I like to watch all those old war holos.”

HUDSON: “Magneto is fictional, and really old, too.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “No, not Magneto. That’s just a Jedi that can only work on metal for some reason.”

LAURA: “No, no, no. They did a new version and now he is kind of hot in a weird way.”

HUDSON: “Oh… I mean, your body can only be made so much of magnets before you’d get unattractive.”

LAURA: “I mean, you would think that, but…”

CAMERON: “You’d start repelling people.”

HUDSON: “Hmm. I know a lot of people are ‘attracted’ to Magneto.”

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: “Yes, that is a kink. It is a known thing, you know? People like what they like. Some people want a man covered in magnets.”

NICK: And some want the polar opposite.

CAMERON: [gasps]

HUDSON: [groans]

LAURA: Yes, {**17:20 a man’s feet covered in magnets.}


HUDSON: Keep that in.

NICK: [breathes] Ah… Tiny blushes again and spins around in his chair. “Anyway. Neato, he’s an orange Rodian, really handy with pretty much every kind of weapon and tactics, a war veteran. Strong, capable, for whoever you’re trying to recruit that would be a pretty good addition to the team. All I got was the name from Sentinel, but a lot of people know about him already. So, go find Neato, I guess.”

CAMERON: Do I know about him already?

NICK: Probably not. He’s not a bounty hunter or anything.

CAMERON: Can I google search him? We’re not in hyperspace right now. We stopped.

NICK: Yeah, you can google search him.

CAMERON: I’m gonna google search him. ‘Neato, mercenary’

NICK: Okay, so you get a lot of imagery. You get a lot of, they look like the old Star Wars posters where it’s Luke, dramatically, shirt open, holding the lightsaber and stuff, but it’s this orange Rodian with an eyepatch and scarred up battle armor standing on outcroppings with a disrupter rifle and a disrupter pistol in the other hand. In a lot of the images it seems in most situations that Neato ends up taking that dramatic pose at some point or another, but a lot of them there’s an attractive male of various species clinging to his leg and looking up at him hopefully, so he seems to usually find someone to hang out with in these adventures as well. A long career starting towards the end of the Clone Wars onward, so he’s a bit older.

LAURA: Would someone who maybe, I don’t know, to put this into more of a technical thing, had points in Underworld be able to know who they were?

NICK: A little, with Underworld. The weird thing is he’s kind of half underworld half not. I changed my mind. You have heard of Neato a little bit. Most of the stuff that he did happened towards the end of the Clone Wars or soon after and then he kind of dropped off. Usually, Neato filled the role that the green berets fill in the American military structure. You would pay this guy, drop him in somewhere, and his job was to teach a bunch of other people how to fight and just generally mess up whatever the political situation was. [chuckles] So, kind of a military advisor type, all around Resistance generator is kind of what he did.

LAURA: Cool, but mostly at the end of the Clone Wars?

NICK: Yeah, mostly at the end of the Clone Wars, not doing a lot now. Or, you could suppose that he either retired or that he was taking jobs further out of the way from a lot of common stuff.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I have heard of him. He is like super old, though.”

CAMERON: “He doesn’t look old in all this fan art.”


LAURA: “I mean, he was doing stuff in like the Clone Wars. I was like a baby then.”

CAMERON: “I was not.”

HUDSON: [laughs] “Are you saying that she’s experienced in age?”

LAURA: “Let me see.”

NICK: “Yeah, yeah, we were all babies at one point.”

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LAURA: So, Xianna was like 3 to 5 at the end of the Clone Wars, so that was slightly less than 20 years.

CAMERON: So Karma was like a teenager.

NICK: Yup. That was like the height of this guy’s career, so you can infer he’s probably like… between 45 and 60.


NICK: Tiny cracks his knuckles and grabs onto the, I don’t know, steering yolk? They use yolks in Star Wars, don’t they? They use handles and junk. I don’t know.

HUDSON: They use the kind of joystick or game stick that you’d use on a Windows 98 to play that airplane game.

CAMERON: [laughing] Picture the old-school flying joysticks.

HUDSON: Yeah, flying simulator joysticks.

NICK: Yeah, for sure. “So, what else do you need to know before we drop in? Because we’re gonna start getting shot at pretty much as soon as we drop out of hyperspace again.”

CAMERON: “Does Neato know we’re coming? Has Sentinel had any contact with him at all? Do you know?”

NICK: “Um, I don’t…”

CAMERON: “He’s not great at explaining things to people.”

NICK: “Yeah, although he did tell us the last time, just kind of with no context that he was working on that and trying to be better about sharing information, which is why I know as much as I do.”

CAMERON: “Aw, guys, he listened to our feedback.”

NICK: “So, what are we…?”

CAMERON: “So, did you know if he knows that we’re coming or not?”

NICK: “I would say probably not. This place has been under siege for a couple of months from what I could figure out at least, so I don’t know if Sentinel’s been able to get any word in, but this guy is a mercenary, right? If he’s getting offered enough of a payout you should be fine.”

CAMERON: “Do you know what we’re supposed to offer him? Would it be roughly what we were supposed to promise the last person?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Okay, so 15,000.”

NICK: “I would assume that whoever you’re recruiting are all gonna be paid about the same, because if you pay one person a lot more than the others then they tend to, uh, kill each other.”


NICK: “You know how it goes when two thirds of your crew just dies on some asteroid in the middle of nowhere on a normal day, just doing a routine handoff.”

LAURA: “No.”

HUDSON: “We only know about one fourth of our crew doing that.”

LAURA: “Yeah, one fourth.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

NICK: [painful laugh]

CAMERON: [painful laugh] Tink!

HUDSON: A tear rolls down my face.

LAURA: “I feel like 25% is pretty good.”

HUDSON: “Like it’s a good thing?”

NICK: “No, but it’s a good success rate.”

LAURA: “It’s a pretty good success rate. I have definitely been on missions that were, you know, two thirds failure. Never on an asteroid, so…”

NICK: “Well, I was, pretty recently actually. You may have been there.”

LAURA: “Was I?!”

CAMERON: [chuckles] “Yup.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay.”

NICK: “So, yeah, drop in, offer him enough money to recruit him… Ooh! One more thing. These drop pods will make it down through those shields with all of their specialized disrupter technology and everything, but if you activate a stratopack in the shield you will explode, when you hit the shield, because you won’t make it back through the other side. What you’re gonna have to do is get outside the shield at ground level. Now the problem with that is this planet has a really dangerous jungle everywhere that’s not settled, so you may have to hike through that for a while, so I would recommend you don’t draw too much Imperial attention because you don’t want to go through that jungle being actively pursued by the might of the Imperial army. That would be my suggestion.”

CAMERON: “This jungle, are the trees sentient?”

NICK: “What?!”

CAMERON: “Do you know? It’s just a standard procedure question.”

NICK: “No!”

CAMERON: “Okay. That’s good to know. I’ll just make a note of that.”

NICK: “What?”

LAURA: “That is something we have run into in the past.”

NICK: “What the hell are you talking about?”

LAURA: “The trees!”

CAMERON: “We were talking about vacations earlier. I do not recommend Unroola Dawn. But yeah, that’s a totally standard procedure question, just good to know.”

NICK: ‘Have you run into sentient trees before?”

LAURA: “I just said that!”

CAMERON: “Mm, yeah.”

NICK: “I just am still trying to process it. Who—What?!”

CAMERON: “It’s terrifying.”

NICK: “I would imagine so. We should just bomb that planet from orbit. No one should go there.”

HUDSON: “Well, why would we do that?”

NICK: “What, bomb a planet from orbit?”

HUDSON: “No, bomb that one.”

CAMERON: “Aw, you can’t just ignore his pun like that.” [laughs]


HUDSON: [laughs] Did you really ignore it?

CAMERON: Nicholas, that’s so rude. That’s not even Tiny.

NICK: I couldn’t—I didn’t catch it. Anyway. “So, what else do you need to know?”

CAMERON: “Do you know how we’re supposed to track him down, or do we just look for an orange Rodian and ask if he’s Neato?”

LAURA: ‘I mean, there can only be so many orange Rodians with an eyepatch who go by Neato.”

CAMERON: “But how big is this city that we’re talking about having to search through?”

NICK: “It’s a pretty big city. It has eight individual districts. It’s pretty big. It’s nestled by the side of a bay. I would assume, if Neato’s doing what Neato is famous for doing, that he’s probably entrenched with the local populous.”

CAMERON: “Standing on a rocky outcropping with a handsome, young…” I don’t know, let’s pick a race. I’ll just go with Selkath, because that’s what I normally go with, “…just clinging to his leg while he stands and stares off into the distance dreamily?”

NICK: “Yeah, potentially, or putting holes in Imperials. He does that a lot, too.”

CAMERON: “They’re not necessarily mutually exclusive. You can do both.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s fair. I would assume that if there’s any resistance still going on in this city Neato’s involved with it, so try to catch up with them? Also, my job is just to drop you off. I’m not really a tactics expert, so you all are gonna have to figure that part out.”

CAMERON: “That’s fine. I was just wondering, just trying to gather all of the information that you have.”

NICK: “Makes sense.”

CAMERON: “Because we haven’t asked enough questions in the past, and it has kind of come back to bite us.” [laughs]

LAURA: “He is an orange Rodian with an eyepatch named Neato. It cannot be that hard. Okay, are we ready to go?”

NICK: Tiny just nods and hits the hyperspace lever and you jump into space. HK grabs onto one of the support posts and Tink goes rolling down the floor towards the back. Tink, as you are kind of smooshed against the wall by your own inertia, one thing–

HUDSON: “Oof!”

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Good sound effect.

NICK: One thing that you would know, especially being a mechanical kind of guy, is that Star Wars ships have these things called inertial dampeners that make it so that you can do 100G turns and not feel them. This ship has inertial dampeners, or you’d be dead, but they are not turned up as high as they normally would be. Sometimes hotshot pilots dial it down so they can feel what’s going on with their ship. Shrug. That’s why you’re getting thrown around. That’s either damaged or turned down for some reason.



NICK: As you are pressed up against the wall you can see into one of the drop pods, because the door has a little transparesteel window, and it looks very simple. It has a small joystick. It otherwise looks like just a solid tube with some light displays and a seat, and that’s it. For you it looks like it may be a bit of a tight fit, Tink, because it’s not very big.

HUDSON: “Hmm. This looks like a little bit of a tight fit. You got any bigger ones?”

CAMERON: “Can’t hear you, Tink!”

HUDSON: “You got any bigger–?! Ugh. The drop pod looks a bit tiny, Tiny! Do you got any bigger ones?!”

NICK: “No, they just kind of come in the one size. Also, hold on, because things are about to get—“ And you drop out of hyperspace and you go rolling.

HUDSON: ‘Oof!”

NICK: You all are able to see the star destroyer sitting above the planet Fygo. You see the star destroyer first, because you also immediately hear a proximity alert from the dashboard and see TIE fighters starting to pour out of the star destroyer. The planet is closer than you would expect someone to hyperspace jump to. It looks like Tiny jumped right up to the gravity well and then was thrown out of hyperspace rather than doing a normal jump. TIEs are coming at you, but you can see that the planet of Fygo is a pretty nondescript planet. It’s got two small continents and is otherwise just covered in blue oceans. You see a large, iridescent green bubble that extends all the way into space and is clearly visible. The star destroyer is floating over that and occasionally is shooting turbo laser fire at it, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. That’s basically all you get before Tiny immediately throws the ship into a barrel roll. [laughs] “Alright, you’re gonna wanna get into those drop pods right about—“ and the ship starts to shutter from taking TIE fire, “—right now.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “We didn’t mean to get this close.”

CAMERON: “While we’re loading these, Tiny, how do we contact you to tell you to come pick us up?”

NICK: “The stratopacks have a homing beacon. It will tell us.”

CAMERON: “Okay, it will tell you. So it’ll activate when we go up”

LAURA: “Will it tell where we are?”

NICK: “When you hit it, it will tell us you’re heading up. We’ll try to be there when you hit space.”

CAMERON: “Okay!” Climbing into a pod.

NICK: Yeah. Can I get Athletics checks from everybody to see how well you do climbing into this while the ship is flying all over the place and getting shot?

LAURA: Xianna was definitely gonna help Tink smoosh into it.

HUDSON: Yay. Blue die?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Because I only have three greens for this one.

CAMERON: One advantage. That is the saddest thing of dice…

HUDSON: One success.

LAURA: I rolled… nothing.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Ho… Okay.


NICK: Okay! The shot is Tink, who was right by the drop pod, tries to get in and gets most of the way in but is having trouble getting settled, and Xianna, pretty agile, is able to skip across the floor and throws a shoulder into his back, and Tink settles in.

HUDSON: “Oof!”

NICK: The door slaps closed. Tink, you’re able to get in and kind of familiarize yourself with the controls a little bit before it’s time to actually drop. Xianna, after doing that, the ship inverts and you find yourself pretty far away from where you need to go and it takes you a long time to climb back into the drop pod. Karma, you have the same thing happen. You are able to get in just as Tiny says, “Alright, we’re ten seconds to drop,” and you realize you haven’t had time to actually look at how this thing controls at all.

CAMERON: I want to use my advantage to know how this thing controls at all.

NICK: So, you’ll know that, but the whole thing is because it took you that long you’re gonna have some minuses in a second here.

CAMERON: That’s fine, but I also have some pluses.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: [softly] I just, I have an advantage… It’s important to me.

NICK: Okay. You have fuzzy dice in your drop pod.

CAMERON: [gasps] Okay! Good. That is worth an advantage.

NICK: That’s your advantage. You have fuzzy dice. They look cool. Tiny says, “Alright, we’re dropping in four, three, two, one…”

CAMERON: “Bye~!”

NICK: “Hit the—Hit the button. Hit the button! Hit the button!”

CAMERON: I hit the button.

[action music starts]

NICK: Tink hits the drop button. Karma and Xianna, it takes you a second to see the ignite button, but then we get the cool Power Rangers thing of the divided screen of everybody in their command chairs hitting the button. HK says, “Adulation: I have always wanted to do this,” and hits the button, because he’s been sitting in it for a while.

CAMERON: Oh yeah.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Wait. Are we all in our own or are we all hitting separate buttons?

NICK: You’re all in your own. They are single person drop pods. Very important.

CAMERON: HK figured out that there were seatbelts in the drop pods so he went and got into one of those on the second hyperspace trip. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah. You all drop, and you have a small durasteel window above you that’s in the door that closed over you, and you have a couple of screens right in front of your faces, and you drop. If you look up you can see the Tallahassee Quagmire just flying like a fly with vertigo, just all over the place, skipping off of stuff. [laughter] You see it hit the shield at one point and bounce off and it shoots sparks everywhere but the ship seems fine. When it does that, one of the TIE fighters impacts with the shield. You all go through the shield. There’s a lot of turbulence as you go through, but you are heading down towards the planet and you’re able to cycle through some external cameras, and you get a pretty good look at **Sart. You see it’s a generally square-shaped city. On the east side of the city, taking up a good chunk of what would be the square, is a bay and you can see what looks like five modified Imperial landing ships with basically giant cannons, like artillery pieces strapped to the back of them, periodically bombarding the city. There’s a lot of fires near the bay, but otherwise you can see it’s divided into neat zones, so you can see some factories and the housing area and a market and things like that. That’s about as much time as you have before… I need you all to make a Planetary: Piloting check, please.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Xianna and Karma, you have two black dice on this one.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Difficulty is gonna be hard. These things aren’t designed for agility or ease of use. They’re mostly just designed so that you don’t get smooshed.

CAMERON: I have nothing for Piloting.

HUDSON: Failure and a threat.

NICK: [forebodingly] Alright, we’ll see what happens…

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh no. One failure and three threats.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: My pod falls prone. [dramatic bass noise]

NICK: [smiling] Yeah. We’ll get to that.

LAURA: One threat.

NICK: You all failed?

CAMERON: Oh, we did so good.

HUDSON: [laughing] We crash into each other.

CAMERON: My yellow came up blank, which is just rude. [huffs]

NICK: Yeah, that’s not great. So, as you’re heading down, you aim for the middle of the city. I think that makes sense. You’re less likely to end up hitting the shield again or ending up anywhere that’s in trouble. You’re falling in a tight cluster of four drop pods, and as you’re going you all are looking at the external screens and trying to coordinate, and the systems are a little autonomous so that they’ve all marked the same landing point, because as the squad lands you want them to land together, and then your external cameras start to burn off in the atmosphere—which is not supposed to happen—and then one of the cameras focused on the bay sees one of those big artillery shells launch, and it’s this giant plasma bolt that’s a big sphere, and you can feel it vibrating the air and see clouds evaporating as it goes by, and that goes through your flight path. It doesn’t hit yours, but it creates this giant burst of turbulence and the pods all scatter. Nobody’s falling where they’re supposed to be falling. Everybody’s kind of thrown around. There is a spinning and a spiraling and nobody can see what’s going on, and you all crash to the ground, and all of you lose consciousness. There’s a loud bang and that ringing noise in your ears when there’s an explosion nearby… [smiling] and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

CAMERON: Great. [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: [drawn out] Diiing…

CAMERON: [confused laugh]

LAURA: I’m doing the ringing in the ears!


HUDSON: Oh! Momp. Momp.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 38 High Tea and Tight Spaces

PDF download: Episode 38 High Tea and Tight Spaces

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 38:
High Tea and Tight Spaces

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Okay. As this episode releases, we are currently at GenCon. Hopefully everything is going awesome and we’re recording our panel as well as recording an arc for the show with an awesome guest. If you are a Patron and you weren’t able to see us, reach out to us on Twitter or our Discord and we’d be happy to send you some of our GenCon stickers.

Music this week is Hustle by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 38 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. You are coming in at the tail end of about 20 minutes of us being distracted and not starting the episode, so let’s just keep that energy going, shall we?


NICK: No? Okay great.

CAMERON: Lies. Lies and slander.

NICK: [laughs] Well, we’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce your character, and if you spent any experience from the last time we played why don’t you just go ahead and let the listener know what you spent it on. We’re gonna start with Laura this time, because she interrupted me. Laura?

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, slash thief slash scoundrel… yeah. I got to another Dedication, so I now have a 5 in Cunning.

NICK: Oh wow. Okay. That’s good. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and aspiring medical doctor.


NICK: Did you spend any experience?

HUDSON: Yes. I have a lot of experience, because I’ve been hoarding it, however I didn’t really have a purpose until today when I figured out I wanted to do two things on my skill tree. I did Improved Defensive Slicing, which is Defensive Slicing now upgrades opponent’s difficulty once per rank of Defensive Slicing, this replaces the usual benefits, and Bypass Security, remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable a security device or open a locked door, which is super valuable to me. I also upped my Computers skill to Level 4, because I needed that of course.


NICK: Great. Sounds good. Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I bought one talent on my Skip Tracer tree, and it is Hard Boiled, which I already had one rank of so now I believe I have two ranks in it. When I’m recovering strain after an encounter I can spend advantages up to ranks in Hard Boiled to recover 1 wound per advantage.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the recap and everything, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side!

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Hudson!

NICK: You were so close.

HUDSON: I know…

NICK: [laughs] Alright. Before we started recording, we were talking through what happened last time.

CAMERON: What did happen last time, Nick? [laughs]

NICK: So, here’s what I’ve got…

LAURA: [laughing] I’m still not entirely sure.

NICK: [smiling] yeah… Last time the crew managed to transfer their bill to an Imperial account so that they didn’t have to pay for their stay at the resort. They chased down a thief named Isaac **Vars who was working for the Black Sun, supposedly under duress, and had stolen the outlaw data breaker from Tink. You got into a gunfight in a tiki bar taking out several gang members. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Karma and Xianna kept sending love interests each other’s way, during their fun bar time.

LAURA: Xianna has a girlfriend now!

NICK: Xianna has a girlfriend. That’s very good. You took a gun from someone and put it in your mom bag, Karma.

CAMERON: Yes. I think we kept Isaac’s blaster. I have an unconscious Black Sun lady, and unconscious Black Sun—I almost said Gigoran, they’re not Gigoran—Gamorrean, and then another one that’s dead.

NICK: Yup, so a nice, relaxing vacation for everybody, I guess.

CAMERON: And we ruined the tiki bar. [laughs]

NICK: It’s a little shot up. Honestly, you had a lot less collateral damage than I was expecting. I was like, I’m gonna spend all my threats on you destroying this place, and you didn’t actually have that many for me to play with, so good job all of you.

HUDSON: All-inclusive means all-inclusive. [laughter] That’s all I have to say. We are not getting charged for this.

CAMERON: We saved everyone.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Our bartender friend knows. **Gangem knows.

NICK: **Gangem knows. If only there was something you might need, like, a discount for, or something like that.

CAMERON: Yeah. I don’t want to give the Imperials a discount.

LAURA: yeah, we don’t need a discount anymore. Isn’t Falx paying for it?

NICK: Someone’s paying for it.

CAMERON: The account that used to be Falx’s is paying for it.

LAURA: The account formerly known as Falx’s account.

HUDSON: Yeah, because we’re not sure if he’s alive.

LAURA: Are we?

NICK: No, we had this conversation last episode, or two episodes ago.

CAMERON: I don’t remember~

LAURA: He’s both alive and dead.

NICK: Yes, it’s Schrödinger’s Falx. You all are not sure. The last you saw him he was getting chased by an Imperial Inspector, and you met Mills, and Mills didn’t know. So yeah, it’s just kind of a nebulous… who knows, going on.

CAMERON: It’s a mystery.

NICK: So, let’s jump into it. How about that? Sound good?


LAURA: Sure.


NICK: We open on the idyllic city of Thrinaka nestled in the gorgeous tropical seas of the planet Sesid. You haven’t been at this resort very long, but you have made your impression. Everyone name one way that the place has visibly changed since the crew arrived.

CAMERON: Besides the tiki bar?

NICK: Besides the tiki bar.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Oh. There’s a big holo-photo in one of the hallways that says “Volleyball Tournament Champions,” whatever year it is, of us.

CAMERON: With all of us holding our mug, with Nugget on fosh’s stepstool. John’s not in the picture.

NICK: The year is -1 BBY, which is really weird because if it’s BBY you don’t know.

CAMERON: [laughs] How did they tell time, then?

LAURA: There is an actual calendar, but…

NICK: There’s a Republic calendar, but who cares. It doesn’t matter. Also, technically, in the original trilogy there’s no way to tell how much time passes within movies or even within scenes, so there’s a lot of debate about that. Doesn’t matter. Anyway. Okay, so there’s a hall of fame championship photo. It’s very apparent from the photo that your team took it a lot more seriously than the other people who won. A lot of those teams have small children or they look impatient to get off. Someone has a bottle of champagne they’re spraying everywhere in your photo, probably Tink, spraying everybody with champagne. It’s very good. What else we got?

HUDSON: I have this special chair that’s by the pool that it kind of just pans over to, and it’s one of those pool side chairs that’s striped with plastic pieces and there’s an indent from me laying on it for a long period of time, and there’s hair kind of throughout the whole chair and on the ground, and no one’s bothered to clean it up yet. It’s just kind of gross, but I don’t see it that way. It just smells like wet Gigoran.

NICK: Which I think smells like popcorn.

HUDSON: I think it smells like wet dog, but a little sweeter.

CAMERON: I think we’ve established it smells like wet dog.

NICK: Yeah… What’s the animal that smells like popcorn on Earth?

CAMERON: Oh! They have giant eyes.

NICK: I thought for sure Laura would have that pull.


CAMERON: I learned about them on Zoboomafoo!

NICK: Yeah, me too.

LAURA: Well, a beaver’s butt is vanilla, or raspberry..

NICK: What?!

HUDSON: Really?

LAURA: Yeah. There’s some beaver gland that vaguely smells like something and has been used for artificial flavors, I think.

CAMERON: It’s a binturong! It’s a bearcat!

NICK: Yeah, that’s it.


CAMERON: They smell like popcorn!

NICK: Okay, but Tink smells bad, and the chair smells bad.

CAMERON: Well, everyone just learned something from National Geographic. You’re welcome.

NICK: You’re welcome. Educational. Time to change which part of iTunes our podcast is on.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: We are an educational now!

HUDSON: [chuckles] We are an educational now.

NICK: We are an educational. She stands by what she said.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: I think on one side of the resort that had been previously undeveloped they’ve started construction on an adult sized slide complex that also has oil baths and stuff for droids.

NICK: Nice. I think next to the kiddy play pool area, the sign that says “You must be under 10 years of age” is scratched out and says “You must be this high” with a line, because one of the slides is broken and a weirdly Tink-shaped outline is blown through the side of one of the slides, and there’s a very grumpy looking Trandoshan lifeguard just shaking his head slowly at the broken slide.

HUDSON: So Xianna can go there most of the time, if you have to be that high.

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh gosh.

NICK: Yeah, potentially.

LAURA: Yep. That’s how that works.

NICK: So, it’s around lunch time yet again. What is everyone doing?

LAURA: Sleeping.

HUDSON: I’m eating a burger from the buffet.

NICK: Are you at the buffet or did you take it and walk off with it?

HUDSON: I’m at the buffet. I’m not fitting in the chair real well.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: Karma’s researching on the holonet to see where the closest bounty hunter office is.

NICK: I think that Thrinaka itself does not have a bounty office, but they will send a paddy wagon from a nearby facility to come and pick up a bounty if you say you’ve got one here.

CAMERON: Okay. We’ll say as we were going up to our room last night Karma stopped by the concierge desk to let them know that she needed a—

HUDSON: Wells Fargo wagon.

CAMERON: She needed a Wells Fargo wagon order.

LAURA: No… Don’t do this to me.


CAMERON: Because she had some bounties that she needed to hand off. And then she requested—they probably have a morgue, because shit happens while you’re on vacation, so we drop the dead guy off in the morgue.

NICK: It’s just the deep freezer where they keep all the ice cream.

CAMERON: Yeah, it’s fine.

HUDSON: [laughing] They probably have a morgue, like most all-inclusive resorts.

CAMERON: Exactly! You know.

NICK: Actually, to be fair, it would not surprise me if—maybe not an all-inclusive resort—but if a cruise ship didn’t have a couple of morgue drawers just in case.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure they do.


NICK: Yeah. Gotta put them somewhere.

CAMERON: So, same thing. They probably also have surgeons and stuff on staff, because it’s kind of remote and things go wrong, and then take the two still living Black Sun members up to our suite and just lock them up, still handcuffed. Get them some good breakfast, you know.

NICK: They’re handcuffed. We get a shot of the Gamorrean, still handcuffed, sitting in the hot tub in the spare bedroom just chilling out, and the leader of this group angrily standing by the door trying to figure out how to set an ambush for you all, and she’s verbally chewing out the Gamorrean for relaxing. “You know we’re going to go to jail, right? Can’t you help me break down this door?”

“Well, it’s pretty comfy, though. This is nice. Eat an omelet before it gets cold. They slid them under the door.”

So, that’s happening. We get a quick shot a little bit later in the day of a speeder with a large person carrier on the back, and a Dug and a Human jump out. Karma has her two captured prizes, I guess–

CAMERON: Bounties.

NICK: –bounties, out in front of—

CAMERON: Even if they’re bad guys, they’re not prizes to be won.

NICK: We watched Aladdin recently.

CAMERON: [giggling] Multiple times, in multiple different versions.

NICK: Too many times. Yeah, you’ve got your bounties and they’re being led in. The Dug says “Hey, I’m Wells, this is Fargo.”

CAMERON: [snickers] yeah!

NICK: “We can offer you 1,000 Credits for these two bounties. If you have proof of any others that you killed, we’ll take that too.”

CAMERON: “Oh, here you go.” She hands over the Black Sun patch that she put in her purse and then shows a picture of the dead guy on the morgue table.

NICK: “Fargo, go get the corpse out of the fridge, would you? I’ll watch these two.” So, they give you 1,000 Credits. Normally it would be more, but you’re not sure what these people’s rank were or really what the big job they were doing was, just the small one, and also you’re paying for delivery from Wells and Fargo, so that’s happening.

CAMERON: Eh, it’s fine.

NICK: Now, a small warning to you as a group. Imagine this is like a final save point in the video game where you save and it says ‘Are you sure you want to continue?’ If there’s anything you want to take care of on Sesid, now would be the time.

LAURA: How many health potions are lying around?

NICK: Like, four.

LAURA: How many jars are just on the floor?

NICK: It’s the standard double road at either side of the door.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: There’s extra ammunition, all of that. [laughing] Was there anything else you wanted to do on Sesid?

LAURA: Do the doors say ‘don’t dead, open inside’?


NICK: No, they don’t. They’re bigger than every other door you’ve seen this whole time and very clearly different, even though they don’t seem to lead anywhere important. There’s a glowing circle on the floor. You know, standard.

LAURA: It asks you if you really wanna open the door.

NICK: Yeah. Exactly that.

CAMERON: Check your party members.

HUDSON: [laughs] I go buy a pair of sunglasses that are SO extra. Can someone else describe the sunglasses?


LAURA: They are bright red, and they are that super elongated vintage cat eye, so they flair out on the outside. They have rhinestones all over them probably in some sort of shape as well, like they spell out ‘flirty.’

CAMERON: I think the front of them is the red, but I think the… earpieces?

NICK: Stands.

CAMERON: Stands?

NICK: The part that holds your glasses up is called a stand. I know this.

CAMERON: Nifty. They are an animal print, though.

NICK: And rhinestones.

CAMERON: Obviously the rhinestones continue, but they just switch to animal print.

HUDSON: These may never leave my face.


NICK: Heh. Wow. Okay. So are they like the overlarge movie starlet ones that flair out horn rim style, or are they like the big bug eye ones?

CAMERON: Cat eye.

LAURA: They flair out, yeah.

CAMERON: So not bug eye. Yeah.

NICK: So that’s what cat eye means. Okay.

HUDSON: Does Elton John have similar glasses?

NICK: Most likely.

LAURA: He just has many.

CAMERON: Elton John has everything glasses, so yes.

NICK: Heh. He simultaneously wears all types of sunglasses at the same time.

HUDSON: [singing] ‘I remember when rock was young—‘

NICK: That’s the song you choose?

LAURA: No, we’ll get sued!


HUDSON: Suddenly there’s a takedown notice on iTunes.

NICK: Okay. There wasn’t anything else you all wanted to do on your fancy resort planet?

CAMERON: [smiling] Is there anything else we wanted to do?

HUDSON: We’ve done a lot of things, y’all.

LAURA: Xianna keeps pushing to get matching tattoos, and I don’t think anyone takes her up on that.

NICK: Well, does anyone want matching tattoos?

HUDSON: I’m not feeling it.

CAMERON: You don’t want to get shaved for a tattoo? [laughs]

HUDSON: No. I’m just enjoying these glasses. I might have a mojito… that’s virgin.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Well yeah, you are seven years old.

NICK: So it’s Sprite and mint leaves?



LAURA: “But Tink, they can do one of those color injecting ones that goes into the hair. You don’t have to get shaved. Then your hair will grow in a fun color pattern.”

HUDSON: “Yeah…”

CAMERON: “Tink! You can get one of the hair wraps that they do with the embroidery threads. You’re the only one with hair. You need to do this for me.”

HUDSON: “Alright. No hair wraps. I might get the fur tatt. What is it called?”

LAURA: “Sure. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Fur tatt.”

LAURA: “A fur tatt.” A fur-tata!

NICK: Pretty sure a Furtat is an alien race.


HUDSON: Fur tatt. Alright, so I get a fur tatt.

NICK: Of what?

LAURA: Xianna did not have anything in mind when she said matching tattoos.

HUDSON: Yin and yang.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh no…” Not even Xianna gets that. She already has one that says The Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON: Karma gets some fun ocean motif stuff done in henna.

NICK: Like down her arm as a sleeve, or on her forehead?

CAMERON: Not on her forehead. [laughs] Probably a couple of head tails.

NICK: Cool. Yeah. I feel like you probably got one of your head tails with the colorful yarn wrap.



CAMERON: No. She looked at it seriously, but the amount of embroidery thread it would take to completely wrap the head tail was just gonna be too expensive, because they charge by the inch.

NICK: Makes sense.

CAMERON: Yup. And they were gonna charge more because it’s not just very small little loops of the thread, it would be nope, you’re going around a head tail, and that’s a little bit more excessive.

NICK: Okay. We’ve got a yin and yang tattoo, an ocean motif henna, Xianna does already have one that says The Afternoon Delight. Laura, does Xianna get another one?

LAURA: Xianna gets another one but doesn’t show anyone what it is, so that way I have time to think about what it will be.

CAMERON: Well yeah, because you have to put the bandage on it.

LAURA: Yeah. She just doesn’t show anyone.

NICK: Where does Tink get his tattoo?

HUDSON: Big Earl’s Parlor.


NICK: No, I meant like where on his body.

HUDSON: Oh! That’s a different question.

NICK: Is it on his shoulder, or his back, or the small of his back, or like a butt cheek?

HUDSON: Back, yeah, just middle back.

NICK: Okay, just a yin and yang there. Okay. Well, all our photos so far of Tink are the front, so that’s fine.

CAMERON: Can you see it with your battle axe on?

HUDSON: Yeah, because the strap isn’t super thick that it covers it up completely. It covers up part of it, but enough that you understand what it is.


NICK: Cool. You got a cool symbol. We’ll have to come up with… It’s some Force symbology that I’m sure someone understands.

HUDSON: Not us.

NICK: Hopefully not. Okay, well, that’s enough of that. You push open the metaphorical door past the save point, and we cut to the landing pad. It’s basically an open parking lot with a small toll booth looking shack for an attendant in the middle, and the first cut that we see is of the board with all the inbound ships coming in. It’s got the flip letters that go through like the old school where they flip into the marquee for the new one, and one of the lines starts to spin. You see that it comes to Tallahassee Quagmire, and a ship comes in to land. The Tallahassee Quagmire lands at the pad. It’s a croissant-shaped ship. It looks pretty sleek. It has a few large, square boosters strapped to the back, and we see a pair of boots step onto the ramp, and that’s all we can see. You hear someone take a deep breath and say, “Let’s find our cargo, crew,” and we cut back away to everybody else who are all hanging out probably by the pool, I would imagine, now that you’ve turned in a bounty.


LAURA: Probably.

HUDSON: Yeah, that seems right.

CAMERON: We’re just waiting at this point. I think with the bounty Karma probably forgot to go check the parking lot this morning. She was distracted with ambushing the people who were trying to ambush her going into the guest bedroom.

LAURA: Xianna is doing an unofficial taste test of every frozen drink that the resort makes, so she probably has like 15 various frozen drinks around her on her little lounge chair in various states of frozen-ness depending on if she forgets about them or not.

NICK: Nice. I think, from the pool, is Karma just in one of the deck chairs sunbathing?

CAMERON: nah, Karma’s just underwater. You just see a green down there.

NICK: And Xianna’s sliding deeper and deeper into her water barstool as she goes through those. We get a shot over Xianna’s shoulder from the bartender’s perspective to that walkway that you first took to the main thing, and we see a short Human wearing smugglers’ gear and a Wookie walking up the path. You hear the Wookie make a Wookie noise, [all make noises] and the Human turns and says, “Well, I don’t know, we’re just here to pick someone up. Might as well go check in and say The Tallahassee Quagmire is here.” They’re walking by and gesturing at each other, and they walk into the main lobby. I think this is funnier if nobody from the crew notices.

CAMERON: I’m underwater.

LAURA: Like Xianna would notice even if they were talking about her.

HUDSON: I don’t notice at all.

NICK: [laughs] Tink doesn’t notice either. Okay.

CAMERON: Does Tink remember the name of the ship that we’re waiting for?


NICK: So, we flash forward probably a couple hours and the crew of the Afternoon Delight heads back inside. You’re walking through the lobby, probably to go change clothes and relax. It’s gotten pretty hot, and it’s late afternoon. You see a short Human and a Wookie come out the elevator as you go in and they walk over to the reception desk. The short Human says, “Well, so, when things get charged to the room they get charged to the room, right, not to the ship? We’re on the Tallahassee Quagmire, but the room may not tie directly to the ship. We’re on contract right now.” They start having a conversation about that as you all walk onto the elevator.

CAMERON: I feel like Karma 100% recognizes Tiny when they walk past them.

LAURA: Karma would have to.

CAMERON: Because Karma just talked to this kid and decided not to kill him, like, a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks [laughs] and was giving mom advice and shit.

NICK: So then we get—

CAMERON: “Wait, that’s Tiny!”

NICK: The elevator closes and starts to go up to your penthouse suite.

LAURA: “Who?”

CAMERON: “Quiggle’s replacement.”

LAURA: “Who is Tiny?”

CAMERON: “Okay. So do you remember when Falx gave us that briefcase and it as an empty briefcase?”

LAURA: “Falx is not very tiny. He is like a fairly normal height.”

CAMERON: “No. Gosh. You drank too much. Anyway.”

LAURA: “I mean yes. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Which one won, by the way?”

LAURA: “Oh. It was frozen, and I think there was coconut in it, and maybe a fruit.”

CAMERON: “That is so descriptive.”

LAURA: “Because I think coconut is not technically a fruit. It is like a seed or something.”

NICK: “Observation: The pink one made her fall out of her chair.”

LAURA: “Yes, but that was not my favorite.”

CAMERON: “Does that mean it wins?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Okay. I’m not sure what the rules are.”

LAURA: “It was not as tasty. I was not really setting out, I just kept forgetting about drinks and then ordering new ones and then realized I was just getting all of them, so I decided to see which one was better. The one, it had coconut definitely, and a fruit, and it had pretty colors, and was swirly. There was an umbrella on the top. I want to say it had some sort of tropical name.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Yes. That one.”

CAMERON: “Alright… Cool. Anyway. Do you remember when Falx gave us the briefcase?”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay. And we took the briefcase to go meet with his friends on the asteroid, and then they were not his friends, and they tried to kill us?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, because the briefcase was empty.”

CAMERON: “Yes. The Tallahassee Quagmire is that ship that we met.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay. Tink, do you remember this at all?”


CAMERON: “Guys, this was like two weeks ago.”

LAURA: “It seems like it was much longer than just two weeks ago.”

CAMERON: “It really does.”

LAURA: “Was it even two weeks ago? Like a week and a half? How does time work? Heh.”

CAMERON: “I don’t know… I don’t know.”

NICK: “Defensive Statement: I was not here for that.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. You are excused from remembering this, HK.”

HUDSON: “I’m a little heat exhausted. I didn’t drink enough water. I don’t remember.”

CAMERON: Karma pulls out a bottle of water from her mom bag, and an orange.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Oh! Thank you. I won’t get scurvy.”

CAMERON: “That was my concern. So, Tiny was the kid that we decided not to kill, and I guess the Wookie was one of his other crew members because we killed everybody else who was there. It was called Quiggle’s Quagmire, I believe, and now it’s called Tallahassee Quagmire because Tiny wanted to keep the crew’s identity kind of stable but named it Tallahassee after his mom, I think.”

NICK: Ping! The elevator opens and you’re at your nice, big, open room with all of the hot tubs and heart-shaped beds. Also, every time you go in there they’ve refreshed the rose petals scattered everywhere, because it is the honeymoon suite. The camera zooms through the room and goes to where you were keeping the two Black Sun members prisoner and some of the walls are scratched up and dented where they tried to get out.

CAMERON: But as Tink said earlier, all-inclusive is all-inclusive.

HUDSON: That’s right.

NICK: [chuckles] Because he clearly read the 14 pages of the contract that he signed.


HUDSON: I just took from the definition what the definition meant.

NICK: Yeah, so you’re back in the room now.

CAMERON: “Alright. Everybody pack up your stuff and we’ll head downstairs?”

LAURA: “Wait, why?”

CAMERON: “Because the ship’s here that we’re supposed to meet up with to leave.”

HUDSON: “Aww. Vacation’s over.”

LAURA: “Wait. Are we not on vacation?”

CAMERON: “We are. This is now the end of our vacation. Our vacation has come to a close.”

LAURA: “I was not given a 24 hour warning. That is how vacations work. You get like a warning ahead so that I know what to do.”

CAMERON: “Maybe there’s a hot tub on the Tallahassee Quagmire.”

LAURA: “Wait. Why are we going onto their ship?”

CAMERON: “Because they’re infiltrating us into wherever the hell we’re going next. I don’t remember! It’s been a while, Xianna! I don’t know how much of this plan we actually know.” [laughs]

LAURA: “But why can’t we just use our ship with our hot tub and whatever is living in and around the hot tub?”

HUDSON: “They’ll kind of notice that it’s our ship rather than a ship they like.”

CAMERON: “Tink has a very good point. Also, would you want our ship to get messed up?”

LAURA: “Ugh. Okay. I mean, I don’t really care.”

HUDSON: “Our ship isn’t all-inclusive. If it gets a dent…”

LAURA: “Is their ship all-inclusive?”

HUDSON: “To us.”

LAURA: [laughs]

CAMERON: “I mean, if you find it.” [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay fine. I will pack up. But I’m taking towels.”

NICK: [laughs] “Reminding Statement: Perhaps the crew of this new ship know what’s going on and you could ask them.”

LAURA: “I mean, I hope they do.”

CAMERON: “I know, but we’re not there yet, okay? And I’d like to put a little bit more clothes on before we go find them.”

HUDSON: “Don’t get onto HK. He’s just trying to help.”

CAMERON: “And I appreciate it.”

NICK: HK is staring at a wall.

CAMERON: “I don’t think he really cares.”

LAURA: “Fine. I will pack up my things, but I am not changing.”

CAMERON: “That’s fine.”

HUDSON: “I’m changing. I’m gonna get out of this swimsuit.”

CAMERON: You’re just gonna go back to being naked again? [laughs]

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: Okay. Tink changes out of his old-timey sailor suit that he’s been wearing for this whole thing that you don’t remember. Do you keep your sunglasses on?


NICK: Karma, do you put your space clothes back on?

CAMERON: I think they’re on the ship, because we changed into our swimsuits before we got off the ship.

NICK: Oh yeah, they probably are. You sure did. So, are you heading back to the ship then?


NICK: Okay. The crew all heads to the ship. We get the clock wipe that just goes around and they step back off of the ship and they’re all wearing whatever clothes that they want to wear. Tink is wearing sunglasses, his backpack, his fanny pack, his weapons, and nothing else. Karma, are you wearing your armor and everything again?

CAMERON: Yeah. I’m back in my armor and stuff.

NICK: And Xianna, are you still in your strappy swimsuit?

LAURA: Yes, strappy swimsuit and sandals and sunglasses and big hat.

CAMERON: Did you add your blaster holster?

LAURA: Yes, just on top.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Did you bring your smuggler coat with you?

LAURA: Oh yeah, it’s all in a bag.

CAMERON: She’s got an overnight bag.

LAURA: Yeah. I have one of those oversized bags and it’s all in there. Stuff is sticking out of it so that you know I have clothes in there.

NICK: There’s a baguette.

LAURA: There is a baguette, so you know I went grocery shopping.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Carrots with the leaves still on them hanging out. All of it.

NICK: So, basically, this is a thing for fan artists. We’ve got Xianna geared for war but still in a strappy, black bikini. That’s what’s going on?


NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s not really a bikini.

LAURA: It is like a one-piece, but it’s just strappy.

CAMERON: It is a one-piece, it’s just there’s a lot of holes, but it’s all connected.

NICK: Okay. Cool. So, you’re geared up for conflict, you’re standing in the parking lot, what do you do now?

LAURA: “I’m pretty sure I saw Creamsicle behind the refrigerator thing in the kitchenette area. Creamsicle is what I have named the loth-rat.”

CAMERON: “Alright. I was about to ask, although I was scared of that.”

LAURA: “They are like a nice orange color, so I named them Creamsicle. Yes. We have to keep them now, because I have named them. Yes.”

CAMERON: “Because it has a name… Yep, I remember that stage.”

NICK: “Observation: I could go and exterminate the rodent for you.”

LAURA: “No! Hank, you cannot kill Creamsicle.”

CAMERON: “It’s fine. I have a feeling that it’s not doing any damage.”

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “They are a good little floofy. Please don’t kill them.”

NICK: For a being that’s face is immovable metal, HK manages to look disappointed and puts his extremely large rifle back on his shoulder.

LAURA: “I’m sure you will get to kill someone later on in this mission.”

NICK: So, you’re geared up.

CAMERON: HK has his gun again.

NICK: HK has his gun. Yeah. HK is good to roll. You’re standing in this parking lot. We get a last wistful camera shot of the beautiful teal ocean, and the white sand, and a couple of the Draedan resort associates with their khaki capris and different colored polo shirts and they’re guiding some tourists along the beach. You can see on the landing board the Tallahassee Quagmire and what the parking location is, and it is across the parking lot from you but it’s pretty close. It’s a pretty large ship. It looks like it’s got some extra pieces that have been stuck to it since the last time you saw it. It’s carrying heavy cargo. But it’s parked nearby. You don’t think that Tiny and his Wookie friend are probably there since they were in the resort, so what do you do?

CAMERON: Close up the Afternoon Delight. (boop-bwoop!)

NICK: [laughs] Lock the ship. Okay.

HUDSON: Lock the ship.

CAMERON: [giggles] You know the one time I forget to say that Nick’s gonna fuck with our ship.

HUDSON: Yeah. We get completely everything stolen from the inside.

CAMERON: All of our popsicles just gone.

HUDSON: Ugh. I mean, I already ate them all.

LAURA: All my drugs.

NICK: I thought you had those with you.

LAURA: Well no, I keep some on the ship. I have 12 on me and 28 on the ship.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You have so much drugs.

LAURA: Also on the ship I have a camouflage set, a weird mask, some Twi’lek totems, a B&B cross-stitch that says something about ‘don’t steal towels,’ [laughter] a caf carafe…

NICK: Yes, so there’s plenty of things. Thank you for reminding me how much valuables you’re keeping on your ship. That’s good to know.

CAMERON: I believe Karma has a med kit on the ship.

NICK: Yeah. Well, that’s more like the ship has a med station now with the way you’ve been using it.

CAMERON: Yup. I believe that’s it.

LAURA: I mean, good luck to anyone who tries to find Xianna’s stuff in that room.

NICK: Yeah…

HUDSON: I look at the Tallahassee Quagmire, and I say “Ooh, I need to claim a bedroom,” and I start running toward it.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Wait, Tink.”

HUDSON: “What?”

CAMERON: “I think the captain is still in the hotel.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Well, they might have left it unlocked.”

CAMERON: “Ooh. That seems like a bad way to start a business relationship, especially since we started this first relationship with us all shooting at each other.”

HUDSON: “You’re right. You have a point there. Let’s go find them.”

LAURA: Is it unlocked?

NICK: I don’t know. Do you try to open it?

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna just keeps walking. “Well, I’m going to try it.”

NICK: Xianna, there’s a hand access panel. You press that. The main ramp doesn’t drop, but a small side door opens on another part of the ship.

LAURA: “See? It is open.”

CAMERON: “I’m gonna head back into the hotel and find Tiny.”

LAURA: “Okay, if that is what you want to do. Tink, come on.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

CAMERON: [laughs] “Alright HK, you’re with me.”

HUDSON: “To be fair, if you had a safe in the yard and that safe was unlocked, even though it’s a safe, you would want to go in there and steal the bedrooms that are in that safe and claim them for yourself.”

CAMERON: “I’m confused with your metaphor, but I’ll see y’all later.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I’m not even following that one.”

NICK: Okay. Xianna and Tink, you climb through the side door?


LAURA: Yes. Heh.

NICK: It’s pretty dark in there. You climb in. Xianna, do you go first?

LAURA: Yeah. I have my scanner goggles.

NICK: Yeah. You slide your scanner goggles on and you realize there’s a blank wall in front of you, and about the time you do that the door behind you slams shut and you’re locked in a very small room with Tink.

LAURA: “Oh no, Tink. Tink, I think I made an oopsie.”


HUDSON: “Uh, yeah, this is quite the oopsie.”

LAURA: “Okay… Let me see if I can figure this out.”

NICK: [smiling] We’re gonna pan away from you two for a minute and we’re gonna cut to Karma. Karma, you get off of the parking lot and you hear the slide-whoosh of the door closing and all is quiet. You head back to the hotel.

CAMERON: Yeah, it seems fine. They probably closed the door themselves.

NICK: Yeah, probably.

CAMERON: They’d call if they were in trouble, surely.

NICK: [laughs] We get a quick cut over to Tink and Xianna working on it and Tink’s knee is somehow up in Xianna’s face. It’s like fitting two people in a phone booth. It’s just very tight. We cut back to karma walking into the hotel. How are you gonna track down Tiny?

CAMERON: With my tracking skills~!

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m an Expert Tracker. What does that do for me? [laughs]

NICK: I don’t know. [laughs]

CAMERON: I can remove a black die per rank of Expert Tracker from checks to find tracks or track targets and it takes me half the time to track my target.

NICK: I’m gonna say you’re probably not going to be tracking them with literal tracks. You’re probably talking to people.

CAMERON: Well yeah. That’s part of my Skip Tracer tree. I’m asking the front desk, who like us now because we spent a lot of money here.

NICK: Mm-hmm, but weirdly all the account information changed recently.

CAMERON: That’s fine. I don’t mention who I am. It’s all under Tink’s name. it’s fine.

NICK: So are you gonna roll Survival and try to track them?

CAMERON: I go over to the concierge stand and I make a reservation for the crew of the Tallahassee Quagmire at the restaurant in like half an hour, because I know that they’ll give courtesy calls up to the room to tell them that it’s time for their dinner reservation, or their lunch reservation depending on what time it is. What time is it?

NICK: It would be a very early dinner, but you can still make the reservation.

CAMERON: Okay. We’re having high tea then. They have high tea in there, and they now have a reservation, and I’m gonna go sit in there at the table and start drinking tea and eating scones.

NICK: Great. The person at the desk says, “Oh, that’s wonderful. If you could just scan your com that’s linked to your room then we can make that happen.”


NICK: So you scan the com that’s linked to your room?

CAMERON: No, I’m making the reservation for them.

NICK: Right. The way you do the reservations is by scanning the com.

CAMERON: No, because you’re looking at me, and I don’t want to do this. [laughs]

NICK: Well, you could try to talk her into just doing it manually. You’re just gonna have to, like…

CAMERON: “Just do it manually.”

NICK: …maybe charm them or something, some sort of roll here. We haven’t done a roll in like three sessions. [laughs]

CAMERON: What am I best at? … Can I do Piloting?



HUDSON: Pilot your way around this one.

LAURA: Just metaphorically flying.

NICK: We’re sure flying by the seat of our pants now.

HUDSON: [air horn noises]

NICK: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: “No, they asked me to make the reservation for them.”

NICK: Are you deceiving?


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: “We were all at the pool together just now, but they had to run up to the room to change because, um, sand. You know how it is. It just gets everywhere, and I hate it so much.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. It’s coarse and rough.” Average.

CAMERON: Just one failure.

NICK: Just one failure. So, the person at the counter says, ‘I’m so sorry. The only way we can make the reservation is through the system. It’s to ensure that everyone is charged the correct amount to their rooms. You can understand wanting to be fair.”

CAMERON: “Yes, which is why I don’t want to use mine, because they’re paying for it, so it would need to be charged to their room.”

NICK: “I can tell that. I’m unfortunately unable to help. Why don’t you call them and just have them make the reservation from their room, if that’s where they are?”

CAMERON: “Ugh. Gah, this place is so insufferable.” Karma goes and leaves a bad review online for the hotel with just how unhelpful they are, and mentions Cassandra specifically because that was the name of the person at the desk.

NICK: The light in Cassandra’s eyes dies, but her smile does not flicker.

CAMERON: Karma just sits and stares at the elevator.

NICK: [laughs] We cut back to the other two locked in a small phone booth in the ship. What are you all doing?

LAURA: Can Xianna do some sort of Skulduggery type check to see if there’s any release buttons?

NICK: On the inside?

LAURA: On the inside. Or grates, or anything that might let them out.

NICK: You can sure try. This one’s going to be daunting though, because this is a room designed to catch people who try to go into the ship. So it’s doable, but it’s not easy, and you have a black die because Tink is all up in your business.

HUDSON: I’ll explain what I’m doing in a second.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

LAURA: Would this be considered a security device or locked door?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay, so then I can remove that black die with a Bypass Security that I have.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: How many is daunting?


LAURA: A complete wash.

NICK: Huh. I wasn’t expecting that. I think Xianna is able to touch every part of the panel, get every part of the small room, which is a fun… think anime style flash cut scenes of her and Tink being smooshed in different positions as she tries to get to everywhere, and it’s just a sealed box. You’re stuck real good. Tink, what are you up to?

HUDSON: I have my CryonCorp EnhanceScan, and I’m seeing if there are…

NICK: Motion sensors?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: …motion sensors, other scanners, or lifeforms.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Perception check, because I feel like this is going to take some skill to calibrate it for what you’re trying to do.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. That’s three purple.

HUDSON: Two successes and a disadvantage.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to see there is a motion sensor in this box, so they are tracking you, because you have a motion sensor-sensor. There is at least one more lifeform somewhere on the ship, like it’s in close proximity, but it doesn’t really seem to be moving. It’s just in one place. That’s pretty much what you can get out of the sensor.

HUDSON: So it could be a pet.

NICK: Potentially, or someone’s sleeping, or a very active plant. Hard to tell.


HUDSON: I hit the device. ‘This thing. Ugh.”

NICK: And it turns off, because canonically every time you hit it, it breaks for a little while.

LAURA: “Tink, I think we might just have to call Karma and get us out.”

HUDSON: “How many grenades do you think would reopen the door?”

LAURA: “I don’t have any grenades anymore, so—“

HUDSON: I pull out three.


LAURA: “Tink, we are way too small. This room is way too small for you to throw a grenade. Please do not.”

HUDSON: “We could fetal position in the corner. I’d protect you.”

LAURA: “No! I mean… I feel like you could probably protect me from like a single grenade blast, but then you might die. So, I mean, we could give it a shot if you are very confident.”

HUDSON: Ooh. What is my confidence level? “We should probably call karma, but you know, if that falls through I got these babies.”

LAURA: “Okay. You make the call.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Hey, uh… karma?”

NICK: Karma, your com starts to ring as an elevator door opens and you see Tiny and his Wookie compatriot walking through the lobby.

CAMERON: “HK, could you take that?” Karma transfers it to HK and then runs after Tiny.

NICK: “Answering Com: Hello.”

HUDSON: “Oh? Is this not Karma? Did I call the wrong number?”

NICK: “Explanatory Statement: Karma was too busy to answer your call. I am here instead. How can I help you?”

HUDSON: “Me and Xianna boarded the ship, and when we did that it trapped us into this small room that we can’t get out of.”

NICK: “Apologetic Statement: I forgot to ask who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is Tink.”

NICK: “Acknowledged, primary user. You are trapped in a small box?”

HUDSON: ‘yes.”

NICK: “How did that happen?”

HUDSON: “We tried to board the ship. The door behind us closed, and so did the walls around us.”

LAURA: “No, Tink, the walls were already there.”

HUDSON: “I’m just remembering a horror story. I don’t know.”

LAURA: “Ello, Hank.”

NICK: “Greetings, secondary user, Xianna. Boss Man, what assistance do you require?”

HUDSON: “Could you come out to the Tallahassee Quagmire, inspect the touchpad, and try to reopen the door? Oh! No. All you have to do is hit the touchpad.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Request acknowledged,” and then the com hangs up.

LAURA: “So do you think he’s actually going to come let us out?”

HUDSON: I call back.


NICK: Do you call Hank or Karma?

HUDSON: I call Hank.

NICK: Okay. It rings for a long time.

LAURA: “He’s not coming to get us…”

NICK: “Call acknowledged. Hello.”

HUDSON: “Oh, thank goodness. When you come to get us, make sure the door stays open after you hit the control pad, and if you’re still up there just make up an excuse, like tell Karma that you have to go to the little droid’s room.”

NICK: “Apologetic Statement: I forgot to ask who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is Boss Man.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Boss man acknowledged. I am heading to your location.” He hangs up again.

HUDSON: “I think were saved, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Okay.” Now they’re just smooshed in there. Xianna does reach into her bag and pulls out a big old frozen drink that just had the boba drink lid film on top and punches a straw in it. “Oh Tink, you want some?”

HUDSON: “Mm, is that alcoholic?”

LAURA: “Yes~”

HUDSON: I do my arms in a cross.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. Your loss.”

CAMERON: Tink takes out his orange.

HUDSON: Yeah, I start eating the orange.

NICK: Karma is approaching Tiny, and then HK gets her attention from where she left him in the lobby. “Deceptive Statement: I’ve been instructed to go to the little droid’s room.”

CAMERON: “HK, what’s actually going on?”

NICK: “Primary user acknowledged. The other two members of the crew have locked themselves in a tiny box.”

CAMERON: “Great. Okay. Delay any orders they gave. Just follow me. We’ll go deal with it with Tiny and we’ll get them out.”

NICK: “Disappointed sigh. I wanted to help them out of the Tiny box.”

CAMERON: “We’ll still give you credit. Fair?”

NICK: “We will leave them in the tiny box.”

CAMERON: “No. Wait. What?” [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “I’m not following your logic jumps.”

NICK: “Statement: We will do whatever you as primary user require.”

CAMERON: “Fantastic. For the moment, follow me.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: Continues after Tiny.

NICK: Okay. Tiny is at the maître d’s podium. “Hey, yeah, we asked somebody to make a reservation for us for high tea, but we never got the reminder that our reservation was coming up, so I don’t really know what’s going on there.”

CAMERON: Karma glares at Cassandra.

NICK: Cassandra is still dead-eyed and smiling brightly. She’s actually currently talking to another family that’s there, and they just seem really out of it and not listening to what she’s saying, and it’s just this really circular conversation about the pool’s hours. Cassandra’s just saying, “Well, the pool’s always open.”

“Right, I get that, but what time does the pool close?”

“But the pool’s always open.” So, Cassandra’s got her own problem going on.

CAMERON: I feel better having glared. “Excuse me, Captain Tiny?”

NICK: Before he turns around you see that it is indeed Tiny, the gunrunner from a long time ago podcast-wise, not very long ago real time-wise.

CAMERON: Like Episode 8 or 9? Right?

NICK: Yeah. He is 1.5 meters tall. He has dark hair. He has a very wide and dramatic hat on now with a feathery plume sticking out of it. He doesn’t appear overtly armed, but there are several places in his cool leather jacket and stuff where there could be hold out blasters hidden. “Actually, it’s Commodore Tiny.” He turns around. “Oh gosh! Oh, I remember you. Hi… Uh, did not expect to see you here, actually.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey. That’s kind of surprising, because we were sent here to see you!”

NICK: “Oh. Are you the cargo…?”

CAMERON: “yes.”

NICK: “You’re not supposed to be here for like another three days. We were kind of hoping to get a vacation in before this next job, actually.”

CAMERON: “I mean, we won’t say anything if you don’t say anything, if we just want to continue this beach party.”

NICK: The Wookie turns around and looks like he recognizes you. “Haaarn.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That’s what Wookies say. Wookies say harn. Read a book.

CAMERON: “Hey. It’s good to see you, too.”

NICK: “Well, I mean, if the job’s started we should probably keep on. The pay is honestly pretty good and we need it right now. Haven’t had a good couple of weeks. We were just about to do like a tea, like a late lunch. Did you want to join in on that one?”

CAMERON: “yes!”

NICK: Okay. [laughs] You all go and you sit and you have tea and it’s great.

CAMERON: “Oh hey, yeah, so um, you remember there were other folks on my crew the last time we ran into each other.”

NICK: “Oh yeah, you mean the people who shot everyone I’ve ever known, except for my buddy…” unnamed Wookie.

CAMERON: Yeah. What’s the Wookie’s name?

NICK: Um… Laura, help.

LAURA: Horn!

CAMERON: Horn. [laughs]

NICK: Horn. Yeah. Hornbacca. They’re all –bacca.

LAURA: Corenhorn!

NICK: [laughs] Corn-horn the Wookie! No.

LAURA: It’s spelled differently! It’s a very traditional Wookie name.


NICK: We’ll say, uh…

LAURA: Lumpy! It’s a very traditional Wookie name!


NICK: We’ll say Carn.

LAURA: Lobacca, also a traditional Wookie name.

NICK: That one actually is.

LAURA: They all actually are!

NICK: Yeah, I know… Carn. Carn the Wookie.

HUDSON: Carn Horn.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Carnhorn.

LAURA: His middle name is N.

HUDSON: Beep-beep.

NICK: Carn N Horn?


NICK: Ugh… Yeah, I forgot what I was saying.


CAMERON: “Yes, how they killed everyone you’ve ever known except for Carn here.”

NICK: “Yeah, those. So, they’re still around…?”

CAMERON: “Most of them. yes. We’ve unfortunately lost a crew member since then. Our fearless leader, Sabos, the Tagrutan—“

NICK: “Golly. What must that be like.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, well—”  It was a promotion. Shut up.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “We have lost Sabos. The rest of my crew is a little bit delicate. It would be very much appreciated if you didn’t bring up the fact that he was missing when we see them again.”

NICK: “I mean, I do kinda owe you for not killing me, and by pirate code you were well within your right. Alright, that’s fine. Ooh, could you pass those scones, please?”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, sure, here. Do you want the clotted cream?”

NICK: “Oh, absolutely.”

CAMERON: “Okay. The other piece, I believe the other two members of my crew have gotten themselves trapped on your ship.”

NICK: “Well, the only way they could have done that was if they tried to get into the ship without permission.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh.”

NICK: “Okay. Well… Wait. Isn’t one of them like a Gigoran?”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm.”

NICK: “Ooh. That’s gonna be tight. They might start running out of air, actually. It’s only designed for one person.” And we cut back to Tink and Xianna in their small phone booth.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [groans]

LAURA: Xianna’s probably passed out.


HUDSON: “Xianna, wake [heavy breath] up… Where’s HK?””

LAURA: “[startled] Wh-What?!”

HUDSON: “Where’s HK?”

LAURA: “Where is the cat?!”

HUDSON: “There’s no cat.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay. Never mind then. Um… What?”

HUDSON: “Alright. I’m gonna call HK again.” I call HK.

NICK: [laughs] “Acknowledged. Hello.”

HUDSON: “HK, where are you? Why haven’t you let us out?”

NICK: “I’m sorry, I forgot to request who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is the Boss Man.”

NICK: “Boss Man, acknowledged.”

LAURA: “Ello Hank.”

NICK: “Greetings, Xianna. Your order was overwritten by another primary user.”

HUDSON: “I would like to override whatever the hell that means and… ugh, get us out of here.”

NICK: “Affirmative.” Com clicks off. “Deceptive Statement: I must visit the little droid’s room.” [laughter] HK steps up, throwing his chair backwards with a clatter.

CAMERON: “Okay. Can we go let them out of your ship?” This is happening right as Tiny made the comment of huh, that’s gonna be awkward, that’s only supposed to have one person in there, and then immediately after he finishes that statement HK stands up.

NICK: Yeah. Tiny says, “I don’t know. It sounds like your droid has to go to the little droid’s room. We should probably wait on him, right?”

CAMERON: “Did you not hear the deceptive statement at the start of it? This is the same thing they told me earlier when I decided it might do them some good to be trapped in a small room for a while to think about their choices, without realizing that they were gonna run out of air, so can we go let them out so that they can breathe?”

NICK: “Hey that’s kind of messed up. You just left them locked in a security protocol?”

CAMERON: “They got themselves locked in a security protocol. If you don’t teach children, they’ll never learn, Tiny.”

NICK: “This is in line with the only other interaction I’ve had with you where you taught me about life, at the end of a blaster. … Alright, yeah, let’s go.” They head off down the boardwalk. Tiny goes to the croissant-shaped ship, the Tallahassee Quagmire. Also, say croissant-shaped ship several times fast. That one’s hard.

CAMERON: That’s okay.

NICK: He goes to the main entry panel that you saw earlier and he doesn’t press that, and he presses a secret button up under the plating of the ship, and you go inside. It’s mostly open, like a majority of the ship is used for storage, except you can see a series of doors along one wall of the ship which correspond with the bulbous attachments on the outside. He walks over to one of those and hits a button, and we see Tink and Xianna just get dumped unceremoniously out of the small room that they were in and onto the floor of the ship. “Oh hey. Maybe you shouldn’t try to enter ships without permission.”

LAURA: “Oh hello. We thought it was just unlocked, so sorry.”

HUDSON: “I was trying to claim a bedroom, and… That’s my excuse.”

NICK: “Well, we don’t have bedrooms. This is a smuggling ship. We kind of just sleep in the captains’ chairs. Ships usually don’t have like comfortable accommodations. They’re for travel.”

HUDSON: “Oh, you’ve never been in our ship.”

LAURA: “Yeah. We have like eight bedrooms.”

CAMERON: ‘Alright. When we’re done with this mission you should come on vacation with us and just stay on our ship for a few days, because then you still get the break you need.”

LAURA: “We have a hot tub.”

NICK: “If you make it out of where we’re dropping you alive, then sure, we could make that happen, but I mean that is a pretty big if.” And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 37 Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

PDF download: Episode 37 Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 37:
Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode features a Patron-created NPC! Isaac **Vars the Human thief was created by Jose **Guerrero. Isaac gave me some really fun ways to drive the plot. Thanks for giving us an awesome NPC.

Okay squad mates, we will be at GenCon in like two weeks. Friday at 1 PM we’ll be doing a panel on gaming in an established canon, so swing on by and say hi. We’ll have custom Tabletop Squadron stickers. We’ll also be throwing a Tabletop Squad party Saturday night. If you’re in the area and want details reach out to the squad on Twitter or on our Discord and we can provide the info.

Music this week is **Deuces by Kevin MacLeod and **Le Grand Chase by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 38 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m Nick, your host and game master. Welcome back. I said some funny stuff, but everyone said it was stupid so that’s cut now. [laughs] Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are, what character you’re playing, and that’s it, starting with Laura.

LAURA: I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan. You said that’s it, so that’s all I can say.

NICK: Roger that. Good copy. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: I’m Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo.

NICK: It’s weirding me out not hearing ‘the Twi’lek smuggler.’

CAMERON: I am not a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Well, I know, but Laura started it. Last but  not least we’ve got Hudson.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: [groans]


CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [musically, “rapping”] My name is Hudson and I’m here to say, I play Tink who’s a Gigoran slicer.

[groaning and laughter]

LAURA: Oh, that pains me.


NICK: [in kind] I play Tink the Gigoran every day.

HUDSON: Nope, just a slicer.

LAURA: Can we not do the drug PSA from middle school where they really try to be cool and they’re not?

HUDSON: [beatboxes for Nick]

NICK: My name’s Tink and I’m here to say, keep the straight edge, don’t do drugs today.



LAURA: I think I’m immediately gonna go do drugs.


NICK: Alright. Let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: ‘One dark side.’

NICK: Ha-ha-ha!

LAURA: Oh no.

HUDSON: ‘Play it again.’


LAURA: ‘Play it again, Sam.’

NICK: [laughing] Why?!

LAURA: I don’t know! Just imagine all sorts of movies but remove the actors and put in Palpatine?

NICK: ‘Look at this stuff. Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?’

LAURA: Yes. Heh.

NICK: Anyway.

CAMERON: Wouldn’t you _think_ my collection’s complete.

NICK: Look, I’m a Sith Lord…

CAMERON: Come on, Palpatine.

NICK: …not a music lyricist.

LAURA: They have to change it to be distinct. They’re not allowed to use it exactly as it is.

CAMERON: But it’s still Disney!

LAURA: yeah! But they’re doing a remake and they don’t want it to be too similar, so they just change up a few things here and there.

NICK: Even though the trailer is a shot-for-shot recreation of the original.

CAMERON: They still put Palpatine in the red wig, right? And the seashell bra?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: ‘Unlimited legs!’

LAURA: That’s starting to get into more of a Maul situation.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh yeah, that’s true.

CAMERON: We were gonna do a podcast, right?

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: If anyone in the Star Wars universe is gonna play Ariel it would be Maul because of the trash.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: She collects trash. He is trash.

CAMERON: And the legs.

NICK: yeah.

LAURA: And the legs. It’s perfect.

NICK: So, anyway, Star Wars podcast. Well, we were technically talking about Star Wars. So, last time when we left off a couple of things happened. You decided to skip out on your bill for your resort. Tink and HK went to go and hack the accounting database. HK did not distract the AI at all, he just stood there quietly the whole time. I think he got cold feet. Karma and Xianna went tiki bar hopping looking for a bartender but mostly just wingmanning for each other without ever having talked about that’s what they were gonna do. So, they got to do that. Xianna was flirting with people while texting emojis to hopefully Nolaa, question mark?

LAURA: Shrug. Heh.

NICK: And then Isaac **Vars, the one-armed pickpocket stole Tink’s data breaker and sprinted off down the hallway, and that’s where the episode ended. Am I missing anything?

LAURA: Oh. You missed the very important chip and dip hat, that Tink now has a chip and dip hat.

NICK: In the room.

LAURA: Xianna ordered a lot of stuff to the room.

NICK: The room that’s no longer under y’all’s name.

LAURA: Well no, it’s still in our name, just the bill is being sent somewhere else.

CAMERON: Yeah. It’s under his credit card.

NICK: Hmm. Hmm… Okay. Yup. We’re gonna pan up. The camera does the found footage shaky cam thing and you hear someone breathing heavily, and it pans out to show Isaac **Vars, a short, tanned Human teenager with an undercut and one arm clutching desperately to a data breaker that he has tucked into his shirt as HK is chasing him down the hallway, and Tink is struggling to stand up from where he is currently prone. We’re gonna cut away from that, because why would that be interesting, and we’re gonna touch base with Xianna and Karma who are currently flirting with… Karma had a—

LAURA: Buff Bothan.

NICK: A super buff Bothan lady, and Xianna had a Zabrak male with red skin and black tattoos who is wearing a skirt that obscured his legs.

CAMERON: Yeah, the grass skirt.

NICK: Yup, a grass skirt. I think you all are probably positioned near each other on the bar at this point, you’ve gotten close, and the Bothan is talking to Karma. “So, you just look like you wanted some company.”

CAMERON: “Oh, that’s sweet. How are you enjoying your trip?”

NICK: “Oh, it’s great, you know, just really been looking for some companionship,” and she gives you a big smile.

LAURA: Xianna leans over down the bar and gives a big thumbs up and winks. [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma gives a very confused look to Xianna.

LAURA: Xianna starts making some hand gestures that we cannot say on the podcast.

CAMERON: Karma understands. [laughs]

NICK: The male Zabrak sees the hand gestures and goes, “Alright, is that what we’re talking about? I love a woman who gets to the point.”

LAURA: “Oh no, sorry, that was not for you. That was for my friend down the way.”

NICK: “Oh. You’re like in an open relationship kind of situation then.”

LAURA: “I mean, I’m not actually entirely sure where my relationship status is at the moment. I am waiting on a com message, not with the Nautolan, with someone else. The Nautolan I would say—oh, I had this conversation with someone else earlier, about am I more of a friend or a… At this point she seems kind of more like that aunt of yours who, like, kind of is your friend but not really your friend because they are still an older relative of yours.”

NICK: “Uh-huh. Uh-huh.”

LAURA: “So, I mean, at least work acquaintance. And we do live together, separate bedrooms. But can you hold on a moment?” She starts scrolling through her com, seeing if she’s got any new messages.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: He pounds a full tiki drink and smacks it on the bar. “Sure, I’ve got all night.” You have a com message from the second number you tried that’s an equal amount of peach emojis back and then the Sabacc suits in order, which those are emojis too.

LAURA: Okay. What would be…? Xianna sends, like… Oh! So in Star Wars, do you think there’s even more of the people emojis in different colors and species?

CAMERON: There would have to be.

LAURA: There would have to be. There’s definitely the dancing woman, but a Twi’lek.

NICK: Oh yeah, for sure.

LAURA: So she sends an emoji that’s a woman holding her hand out that you can pair with the dancing woman emoji so it makes it look like they’re holding hands, question mark, send.

NICK: There’s like a 30 second delay and then you get a call, and it’s a little crackly because it’s a long distance com, but you hear Nolaa’s voice go, “Why are we talking in emojis?”

LAURA: “Oh, um—“

NICK: [Zabrak] “Hey, is this call gonna take a while? Because—“

LAURA: “Okay! Can you hold on a moment? Okay. You hold on a moment. You finish my drink. I don’t like it anyways. You have it.”

NICK: [Nolaa] “Well, I’m not gonna be able to finish your drink through the com, silly.”

LAURA: “This is important! Okay. So anyways. Back to you.” And she’s like on the com, and she’s looking away from the guy.


NICK: “A little rude, but whatever.”

LAURA: “So, I just usually send messages in emojis. It is faster for me at this point. Um…”

NICK: “Well, I get that.”

LAURA: “Also, I’m not great at writing and typing in Basic. Also, I am now realizing you are another Twi’lek so I could actually speak to you in our native tongue and it would be okay, because I do know how to read and write that. Basic though sometimes is a little confusing, so emojis are faster for me. Anyways.”

NICK: ‘I get that. It just seems kind of like regressing to hieroglyphics, and we have like a written language, and also this amazing technology, like we’re having a conversation now.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yeah, I know, but if I am messaging other people who are not Twi’leks and do not speak any Twi’lek languages it is often much, much faster for me to just send a few emojis than try to type out sentences, and Karma gets upset if you don’t put periods and punctuation in your messages, so who has time for a comma? I don’t even—“ [laughter] “I have no idea what an Oxford comma is, but I definitely do not use it, and I feel like they do not appreciate putting apostrophes in the middle of words to keep the one word but also make it two different words that are funny. She does not appreciate that, so I do emojis.”

NICK: “Wait, hang on. Not to stop you there, but an Oxford comma is to differentiate between things on a list so that you can tell that they’re three separate items, because otherwise if you leave it out the ‘and’ consolidates them into two things. I do a lot of negotiations and it’s really important that that’s very clear.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yeah. There was a message—I’m not going to get into exactly what the message was—but apparently the lack of comma implied some things I was not intending to imply.”

NICK: “So, did you mean to put a comma between the Twi’lek emoji and the dancing Twi’lek emoji?”

LAURA: “Yes…”

NICK: “This is why I called. So, what you’re saying is—“

LAURA: “Well no, I did not intend to put a comma between the emojis I sent You. I was asking if you want to be my girlfriend.”

NICK: “Oh. …”

LAURA: “Because for whatever reason, tonight specifically, a lot of people keep coming and hitting on me at the bar and I’m just like not entirely sure where we are at.”

NICK: “Well honey, have you seen you?”

LAURA: “I am in a swimsuit… and I am now realizing that the swimsuit pics I sent earlier were to a different com number that I thought was yours. It is not. I don’t know who that was. I will resend them.”

NICK: “Yes please.”

LAURA: “Because I am in a swimsuit, so… maybe that is why.”

NICK: “Hey, hey, so send those, give me one second…” and you hear some blaster fire in the background. You hear, “I am on a call!” Pew-pew-pew!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: [laughing] While that is happening, Xianna hands her com to the Zabrak and is like, “Okay. Can you take a photo for me real quick? Thank you,” and then does some poses and is doing an over the shoulder sexy pose, and then an in the front pose, she does the **make it fashion Tyra pose, a few different poses.

NICK: [laughs] So, he’s taking pictures with it. “Wait, wait, the lighting here is not good. You can’t see the straps on the back and I know that you paid a lot for that designer outfit. Here, let’s come over here a little bit. Turn a little more that way.”

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: “Ooh, sweetie, no. Tuck in your abs just a little more.”

LAURA: “Okay, okay. Yes. Smeyes.”

NICK: “Head a little more to the right.”

LAURA: “Okay. Smeyes~!”

NICK: “There! Got it. Nice!”


LAURA: “Okay, thank you.” She takes it back.

NICK: “Wait a minute…”

LAURA: Sends a bunch of them to Nolaa.

NICK: “I haven’t given you my number yet to send those to me.”

LAURA: “Okay. Can you go write it down?”

NICK: “Or I can just type it into your—“

LAURA: “Okay, but I’m on the com.” [laughs]

NICK: “You know, I’m getting really mixed signals here.”

LAURA: “Yeah, yeah. If you want to just wait like another minute I can give you an answer for whether or not I will accept your com number. You are currently on a waitlist.”

NICK: “Oh. You know, I really appreciate the clarity.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yes. Heh.”

NICK: From the com that you’re holding away from your… hearing cone? Because you’re a Twi’lek.

LAURA: My ear cone!

NICK: Yeah, your ear cone. You hear, “Xianna?”

LAURA: “Oh, hello~”

NICK: “Okay. I lost you for a minute there. It sounded like you were talking to someone else.”

LAURA: “Well yes, again, we are at a bar, a tiki bar specifically, and people keep coming up and talking to me. I did send—“

NICK: [high whistle descending into explosion noise]

LAURA: “I did send the photos.”

NICK: “Oh. Hey, there they are. Ooh, whoa, they’re shooting through this crate. Hang on. [combat noises] Okay, I’m under cover—Ooh~ That’s a nice suit. Where did you get it?”

LAURA: “Yes. I have no idea.”

NICK: “Yeah, that makes sense. Wait, did you ask if you wanted to be my girlfriend? Is that where we were?”

LAURA: “I asked if you wanted to be my girlfriend.”

NICK: “Right. Yeah. There’s a tear gas in here. It’s making it hard for me to focus.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Tear gas is kind of difficult like that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that sounds good.”

LAURA: “The tear gas or the dating?”

NICK: “Yeah, both. That’s fine. Whatever.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “Were you talking like exclusive or…?”

LAURA: “I mean…”

NICK: “I just, I wanna know how serious you’re feeling about this right now before I say anything that might be awkward or make commitments to things I don’t understand. Hang on.. [Pew-pew-pew!] Why didn’t you reload the blaster ammo? Ugh. Toss me that knife.” You start just hearing wrestling noises over the phone.

LAURA: “Okay. You go write your com number on a napkin. Bring it back to me. I will put you on the list, then we can talk, because I think this is going to be a longer conversation than I initially anticipated. So just put your name, a description of you, and your com number.”

NICK: “Okay? I could just like text you a selfie.”

LAURA: “Again, I am using my com.”

NICK: “I—Fine.” He stomps off. You’re not sure if he’s gonna come back at this point.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut from that conversation for a second to Tink! Tink, you have gotten to your feet. The pickpocket Isaac **Vars has actually rolled around the corner. We’re gonna flip a dark side point that Hank did not catch him. You hear, “Halfhearted Exclamation: Oh no… Wait… Come back… I’m trying so hard to catch you.” And you just hear [droid noises] as Hank jogs down the hallway after him. What do you do?

HUDSON: “Faster, Hank! Faster!”

NICK: “Question: Are you coming with me or am I just doing this all by myself again?”

HUDSON: “I’m on my way!”

NICK: Okay. You go hauling out. Make me an Athletics check. This one’s gonna be average to try to catch up to this guy. You are currently running down the boardwalk. The shot is gorgeous. There’s the moonlit waters lapping up on the beach nearby.

HUDSON: Two failures and three advantages.

NICK: Well. So, HK is lit by the moonlight. You can see him ahead. “Exclamation: I am keeping track of your target. Anytime now.” He goes running off. You see Isaac **Vars go diving through a closed tiki bar and come out the other side. He’s wearing a bunch of different articles of clothing made out of straw and holding a drink in his hand and sunglasses and a light-up lei, and you see him just booking it down the beach, and HK continues after him at a gentle jog. “Exclamation: Love your style.” They’re headed off. You don’t catch up to him right away, but your advantages are he has not lost you, you just have not gained on him, as you’re running down the beach after your data breaker. We’re gonna cut back to the bar.

Karma, you’ve watched this whole conversation down the bar as the super buff Bothan is talking to you. “Well, you know, I had just really hoped that I was gonna cut loose on this vacation and maybe find someone who was just interested in having a good time, and I saw you come in…” She makes a like, do you get it hand gesture at Karma.

CAMERON: “Oh! … Yes. I see. I am flattered, thank you, but I don’t know. I just- So see, there’s just a whole lot of stuff that’s still kind of leftover, a hang-up from my kids’ dad and I’m still not exactly sure how I feel about all of that, and…”

NICK: “Oh… Well—“

CAMERON: “I have some stuff to work through that I’ve been putting off that I should probably start working on.”

NICK: “Oh. I came on kind of hard there. I just, it’s a vacation, I figured I’d take a shot, so…”

CAMERON: “No, no, I totally understand. This is all a me issue here.”

NICK: “So you have kids?!”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I do, actually. I have twin boys~”

NICK: [smiling] Okay, and we’re gonna cut back to Tink and HK and Isaac running down the beach.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: “Get him, Hank! Get him!”

NICK: “Statement: I am moving at the exact same velocity I was last time you proclaimed ‘get him.’” [droid noises] He’s doing the marathoner’s pace, so long strides, but he’s not so much a mover, you know? Make me another Athletics check. This time you can have a blue die, because you’re running in loose sand which would affect Isaac a lot more than it would affect you.

HUDSON: Is it average difficulty?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: With Tink’s big, squishy feet.

NICK: Yeah. He’s basically wearing snowshoes.

HUDSON: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Sweet. You catch up to HK and pass HK. Well, you should pass HK, but with those advantages, as you speed up and go past him he also speeds up to just be running next to you. You never really thought about it before, but going running with a droid is supremely frustrating because they don’t get tired, so you’re exerting energy and he’s basically just spending battery. It’s like a resource management thing for a droid. [laughs] So he’s still able to have a conversation while you’re starting to breathe heavily having run three quarters of a mile down the beach at this point. “Observation: When you sweat it makes your fur all clumpy.” He’s running with his head at a 90 degree angle just observing you while you run down the beach. You can see Isaac. He’s probably 60 meters ahead of you at this point. He turns a corner and starts running towards one of the bigger tiki bars that has spotlights above it and it’s blacklit and looks really cool from a distance.

HUDSON: [out of breath] “This is not the time to be talking about my fur clumping. Alright, we gotta catch up to Isaac… Ah, it’s so hot. Ugh…”


NICK: “Acknowledged.” You go off of the loose sand of the beach. The moonlight is shining down in those long rays that reflect off of everything. It’s quiet except for the ocean. It’s really nice if you weren’t sprinting after someone who stole one of your favorite gadgets.

We jump back into the bar. The male Zabrak says, “The name is Luam,” and he slides you a napkin with his com number.

LAURA: She’s like “uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. So…”

NICK: He turns and he walks off. “Time to start a new hunt,” and just walks off. He’s pretty much given up.

LAURA: She does put the number in her pocket. “Okay, so how about we are, uh, mostly exclusive, but we can still flirt with other people?”

NICK: “Well, I mean, you know me, I don’t think I could turn it off if I tried.”

LAURA: “That is why I say it, because I honestly do not know how to not quite often?”

NICK: “Tell me about it.”

LAURA: “So, mostly exclusive, flirting allowed. I might occasionally have to kiss people if it is part of the job.”

NICK: “Yeah. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. If I have to pretend marry anyone I will let you know first.”

NICK: “Yeah. Just so, you know, for tax reasons, we’ll just want to make sure that’s really clear. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Well, I mean, it is always under fake names and usually I am gone within like two days of signing the paperwork with the fake name. It’s usually some sort of insurance scam, but like, I’ll just let you know, because it’s not like I’m really getting married.”

NICK: “Okay. So, just because I want to be absolutely clear about what our boundaries are going into this, I haven’t been in a relationship for a while, but I had a lot of fun, and long distance really works for me because I’m really busy. We are exclusive but can kiss and flirt with other people as professional needs dictate.”

LAURA: “Yes, and fake marry other people as professional needs dictate, but you must alert the other person you are going to fake marry.”

NICK: “So, when you say alert, is this like a we call and need to talk situation or do we just have an emoji combination to say hey I’m getting fake married for a little while?”

LAURA: “I think maybe more of a talk so we can establish what can and cannot happen during the fake marriage.”

NICK: “Okay, I like that a lot. I’ve run into some pitfalls in the past with relationships of not having talked it through so I really appreciate that. You know, I think this is off to a really good start. [explosion, pew-pew-pew] Hey, um…”

LAURA: “Yeah?”

NICK: “This is great. Text me later, but my partner just detonated the stabilizer on the ship, so we’re gonna need to—“

LAURA: “Okay, so you have to go.”

NICK: “Yeah. We’re gonna need to go.” You hear her put her face away from the com. “Mark, you freaking idiot! What are you doing?” And then it hangs up.

LAURA: She’s like, “Okay~! Bye **mon shu shu. Uh… Oh, she hung up. Okay.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Karma!” Heh.

CAMERON: Karma and the Bothan are showing each other pictures of their kids on their phones.

NICK: “Not to judge your species or anything, but it’s kind of weird how they have like tadpole tails to start out with.”

CAMERON: “I know! Oh my gosh. It’s so strange, right?!”

NICK: “I mean, Bothans, when they’re little, they just walk on all fours and look like Simba from The Lion King.”

CAMERON: “Yours are so cute!”

LAURA: So cute.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Mine are so weird and like, ugh… I don’t know. They’re cute now.”

NICK: “Oh, well that’s good.”

CAMERON: “But they’re also no longer tadpoles.” [laughs]

NICK: “How old are they now?”

CAMERON: “So this is gonna date me a little bit, but they’re 21.” [laughs]

NICK: “Oh, okay, so like… What are they doing? Are they still in school?”

CAMERON: “No, they’re bounty hunters actually.”

NICK: “Wow.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “Okay. So they’re kinda dangerous, huh?”

CAMERON: “Yeah~ Well, I think that they would like to think that. It’s cute.”

NICK: The Bothan is showing off some photos on her com. “Well, so me and my partner aren’t really together anymore, but we did have a few kids. They’re a little younger than yours. They’re 17, 18…” You see Bothans and then a couple of **Kothar, which are like, for those of you who don’t know Star Wars, they’re lion people. They are kind of Bothans but more feline inspired. They’re very cool. “They’re all into sports, so they do a lot of sports, a lot of competitive hunting and a lot of gymnastics. It’s what they do, but here they are winning at everything.”

CAMERON: “Aw, that’s so cool~!”

NICK: “Yeah, the four of them are just best friends. They’re basically inseparable.”

CAMERON: “That is awesome. I love sibling relationships like that.”

NICK: At this point, karma and Xianna, you see this small Human teenager with cool curly hair and an undercut run into the bar at full speed and jump over the bar and duck behind the bartender. ‘Please don’t say anything.”

CAMERON: “Sure thing, kiddo.”

LAURA: “I cannot promise anything, but okay.”

NICK: The bartender just looks kind of confused then freezes, and then you see HK come into the bar at a pretty solid pace, and then you see Tink right behind him who leans over on his knees and is breathing heavily.

LAURA: “Oh. Hello, Hank~!”

NICK: HK broadcasts much louder than you’ve heard him before. “Announcement: We are hunting a fugitive.”

LAURA: “He’s over here!”

NICK: “Exclamation: Thank you.” And he starts to stalk towards the bar.

The Human sticks his head up over the bar and goes, “Man, this whole resort is full of narks.”

LAURA: “No, I’m sorry, Hank is with my crew so I have to tell him. It would be impolite to not tell another member of my crew that the person they are chasing is right there.”

CAMERON: “And I’m sorry, I am indeed a nark.”

LAURA: “She is actually a nark. I think that is what she is professionally. Anyways.” She looks at the bartender. “Can I get a Corellian **Vice, please?” Heh.

NICK: The bartender just kinda goes “uh, okay,” and starts making a drink. [chuckles] “You know, I’m actually pretty famous for my mojitos.”

LAURA: [whining] “No, I don’t want a mojito.”

CAMERON: “What’s your name?”

NICK: “Oh, I’m **Gangem.”

CAMERON: “[snaps] I need to talk to you after I grab the guy that’s behind your bar. Do you mind if I come over?”

NICK: “Yeah, knock yourself out.”

CAMERON: Okay. I hop over the bar.

NICK: At this point, Tink, from behind you someone says, “If you could excuse me for a second.” You feel a hand on your shoulder push you slightly to the side. This tall Human woman wearing a yellow jumpsuit with a Black Sun logo on it steps into the bar. “If everyone could please stay calm, we just have a friend that we need to pick up.” There’s two Gamorreans behind her holding vibro-axes wearing the same yellow jumpsuits with the Black Sun logos and they just completely fill the doorway.

LAURA: “Oh shit!” Xianna jumps behind the bar as well. [laughter] “I don’t know if the Black Sun still want me or not so I’m just going to join you down here. Hello. What is your name?”

CAMERON: What’s the Bothan’s name that I was talking to? Karma probably got it at some point in between.

NICK: My first thought was Cathy.

CAMERON: Okay. “Hey Cathy, can you hand me my bag?”

NICK: “Oh yeah. Sure. Are these friends of yours?”

CAMERON: “Thank you. The Black Sun members? No,” Karma says, taking her carbine out of her purse, because she had the big, mom beach bag with her blaster in the bottom of it that she’s been carrying around this whole time along with snacks.

NICK: Oh. Everyone’s behind the bar. Tink is standing in the midst of all these Black Sun people. Hank is approaching the bar. Isaac is behind the bar. There’s three Black Sun people. Isaac, who has his back pressed to the bar—

CAMERON: I think we have him in the middle of us, because I hopped down to be by him.

NICK: Sure. It’s Xianna, Isaac’s in the middle, and then Karma’s there. “Hey, I don’t really know how used to fire fights you guys are, but I’ll give you a blaster if you help me scare these people off so I can get out of here.” He sees that Karma’s holding a big carbine so he’s kind of focused on Xianna right now.

LAURA: “Karma? Did you in your giant bag put any of my blasters? No…?”

CAMERON: [laughing] “Nope! Sorry, I only grabbed mine. It was just for emergency situations. Tell you what kiddo, we’ll help you out if you give my friend your blaster and then you explain to us why the droid and Gigoran were chasing you.”

NICK: “Yeah. If you just help me get rid of Black Sun I’ll explain everything. I made a small mistake. It’s not a big deal. I just was trying to get through this in one piece, so if you help me here…” He pulls out just a light blaster from in his coat, and as he pulls it free with his one arm, because his other arm isn’t there, Xianna and Karma see a flash of what looks like an outlaw tech data breaker. Tink, would you have customized it at all? Do you have stickers on it or anything?

HUDSON: I have stickers on it.

CAMERON: [laughing] He has it engraved with his call sign.

HUDSON: It’s engraved with my call sign and has stickers.

NICK: You’ve got stickers. What are some of your stickers for?

HUDSON: Oh man, an Apple logo but with a bite taken out of it to be a little corny.

LAURA: You definitely have one that’s a dinosaur that says like ‘rawrXrawr.’

HUDSON: Yeah. There’s a dinosaur that says ‘rawrXrawr.’

CAMERON: That’s where our volleyball team name came from.

HUDSON: Bithcoin?

NICK: The Bithcoin logo.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And then there’s **Cob City Bitch. [laughter] Not gonna explain that one, that’s just the third sticker on there, and that’s all it can fit.

NICK: Okay. You all recognize what clearly looks like that.


NICK: But he nonchalantly tosses a light blaster to Xianna and he flicks his wrist and a hold out blaster is in his hand. The woman who’s clearly in charge of this small band of Black Sun says, “If you could just all get out from behind the bar, we’ll just be taking our compatriot and be leaving. No one needs to get hurt.”

CAMERON: “Hey **Gangem, duck.”

NICK: He ducks.

CAMERON: “Alright. Y’all, set your blasters to stun, because there’s a lot of drunk people in here and drunk people are stupid so they’re gonna get in your way. Try not to shoot the innocent drunk people. Okay?”

LAURA: “Okay.” Xianna picks up the blaster in her left hand and takes the drink that the bartender was making in her right and just starts drinking. “Okay.” She does not. [laughs]

HUDSON: Tink yells. “Xianna, Karma, what’s up, what are you all doing? Hey, can you get me a data breaker back from that Human that you’re with?”

NICK: [smiling] At this point the Black Sun Human looks at Tink, looks at the assassin droid that’s just standing there looking confused, and goes, “Oh, well I want to do this the easy way.” She draws a blaster and goes to fire. I’m gonna need Vigilance rolls from everybody~

HUDSON: Goes to fire at who? Just to fire?

NICK: Just to strafe the bar.

CAMERON: Karma has one success, four advantages.

LAURA: A triumph with a success.

HUDSON: Nothing.


NICK: For HK it is two yellows and a green.

CAMERON: A triumph, two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Roll me two yellows and a green again.

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: And then roll me a yellow and a green for the Gamorreans.

CAMERON: A success and three advantages.

NICK: Oh, and Isaac I guess needs to go. Three greens for him. He’s not very vigilant, but he’s got a lot of willpower.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay! The order will be NPC slot, PC slot, Isaac, PC slot, PC slot, two Gamorreans, PC slot. Should be everybody. Before the combat starts, you have six advantages and two triumphs that you can spend on setting this scene a little bit if you want to move it to your advantage.

HUDSON: Can I dive behind the bar before they’re able to do anything so we’re all together?

NICK: Sure. We’ll say that as the Black Sun leader goes to strafe the bar some people see that someone’s drawn a gun in this tiki bar and people start to scream and mill around, and that gives you enough time to go and jump behind the bar.

LAURA: Can I use one of those things to say Xianna has already taken some impact? Because she’s celebrating, because she’s got a new girlfriend.

NICK: Yeah, that seems fair.

LAURA: So right before she got over she took some.

NICK: That’s like a triumph. I think that’s a fair use of a triumph.

CAMERON: One of the advantages should be as Tink gets behind the bar he grabs the knife that **Gangem’s been using to cut open the pineapples and stuff for the tiki drinks. He doesn’t have an axe but he at least has a blade.

NICK: It’s a paring knife. [laughs]

LAURA: Oh! They have a large cleaver, because they like—

CAMERON: For the coconuts.

LAURA: For the coconuts!

CAMERON: He’s got a machete for the coconuts.

LAURA: A machete for the coconuts!

NICK: Okay fine.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I have a machete. It is not electrified.

NICK: Nope. It’s just a big knife.

CAMERON: [smiling] It’s just a machete.

NICK: And also you made yourself move out of melee range, so that means if you want to go do that you gotta go back, but you got a knife at least.

HUDSON: Okay! Last advantage, I go back. [laughter] Just kidding.

NICK: I would suggest that you have all the people running around gives them some black dice to move and aim.


NICK: Because the bar just starts to lose their mess.

CAMERON: Yep. All of the drunk people are just being drunk and scared.

NICK: So, we get the cool **John Wick camera circle showing all the drunk people scared and running around. They’re filing out, they’ll be gone eventually, but right now they’re just kind of panicking in general. The four of you, Karma, Xianna, Tink, and Isaac, are behind the bar with your various weapons. We get everyone, in sequence, slapping their back up against the bar. We get Xianna with her carbine, Isaac with his hold out blaster, Xianna with Isaac’s light blaster—

LAURA: And a drink! Heh.

NICK: –and a drink, and Tink with a knife. [laughter] HK’s just kind of standing in the middle of the bar looking bored and uninterested. Up first is the leader. What she’s actually going to do is roll her shooting which will be a yellow and two greens. It’s gonna be average, and she’s just shooting at the bar. She’s trying to shatter a bunch of glass and do suppressing fire.

CAMERON: Does she have a black die for people?

NICK: Yeah. She has a black die for the people running around. She doesn’t really wanna shoot them, but she’s not super worried about it.

CAMERON: But she’s a gang member.

NICK: Yeah. She’s just kinda, you know.

CAMERON: Three successes, one threat.

NICK: Cool. She wasn’t shooting at anyone in particular, you were all behind cover, but what she’s actually going to do is shatter the mirror behind the bar. You hear **Gangem go “Aw man!” and he starts to crawl under the bar and out of the bar, because the back doesn’t really have a full wall. Everybody will have a black die on their first action, because you’re being showered in broken glass. Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I’m gonna take it as I have the big gun.

HUDSON: There are three Black Sun members?

NICK: Yep. It’s the cool lady with the jumpsuit and a pistol, and then two Gamorreans with vibro-axes that right now are essentially both trying to go through a door that’s too skinny for two of them to go side by side at the same time.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna shoot one of the axe dudes, because they haven’t gone yet, so I get a blue die for Quick Strike.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: What’s the total damage on that?

CAMERON: Well, let me see.

NICK: And you’re stunning them?

CAMERON: I’m stunning them. That’s 12 stun damage.

NICK: Phew. Okay, so you just straight drop one of them.


NICK: They’re both slamming into each other trying to get through the door, and you hear them like ‘hey, no, it’s my turn,’ ‘no, it’s my turn,’ ‘you went first last time,’ and then you hit one of them and he just collapses senselessly to the ground. ‘Hey…’

CAMERON: With  my advantage, I would like to give the dude a black die because his friend just fell and is now blocking the door, so he’s gonna have to get over him.

NICK: Yeah, that’s fair. That was a PC slot. It’s Isaac’s turn. He pops his head up over the bar. We’re gonna give him a green and a yellow to shoot. He’s not the bestest shooter, but he’s gonna aim because he’s smart.

CAMERON: Oh yeah. That’s a thing we can do. [laughs]

NICK: He’s gonna take a shot at the leader. “Vyra, you’re not gonna take me back again! I like it here. These people are nice. We’re friends now,” and he shoots.

CAMERON: Two advantages!

NICK: Two advantages. I think that Vyra ducks into the crowd, so she’ll have a black die the next time she goes, help me remember that. He’s like, “Man, it always pulls to the right.” We’ve been having a lot of Osmosis Jones on the internet lately, and that’s an Osmosis Jones quote.

HUDSON: I thought it was something about penises.

CAMERON: [giggling] That’s what I was thinking too. That’s why Hudson and I looked at each other.

NICK: [groans]

LAURA: I mean, I, yeah.

CAMERON: ‘Hmm. I see what Nick’s doing here.’

NICK: No~ Next up is another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna take a big slurp from her straw. It is a twisty straw, but it’s a twisty straw that’s shaped into a pineapple, one of those themed twisty straws. The twist is a pineapple shape. This is all important things you need to know for the combat.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: She takes a big sip and then pops up, fires at the main woman… yeah.

NICK: Okay. You have a black die because of the shattered glass.

LAURA: Yes. What would the range be?

NICK: Medium.

CAMERON: You should aim.

LAURA: But I would like to move. Oh, I guess I have…

NICK: You could vault the bar and get closer to her. That would be cool. Yeah, you don’t have your filed sights, so a medium shot with you is normal.

LAURA: Yeah, a medium shot with me is normal, I don’t get those bonuses. I also have Jump Up. Getting up and down isn’t an issue. I will hop up, aim, and then shoot.

NICK: Okay. Is your gun on stun?


CAMERON: No, she did not turn hers to stun. [laughs]

LAURA: They all cancel out… Three successes! That will be 8 damage.

NICK: Eight damage. You graze her shoulder pretty deeply and she yelps and ducks behind a table. At this point everyone has started screaming in the bar and is just filtering out of the various doors. You see a big, buff surfer guy just go jumping through the window which doesn’t have any glass, and then you just hear ‘oof’ and there’s a little puff  of sand, then he stands up, brushes off, and runs off into the moonlight. People are starting to straight leave now. She is hit. She looks pissed. She is not down.

LAURA: Before Xianna pops back behind the bar, she does yell out, “Hank! You should shoot them! Please, thank you!”

NICK: “Observation: I do not currently have my weapon.”

LAURA: “Oh yes, punch them!” Heh.

NICK: He just does a very mechanical shrug, which is interesting because his shoulders shouldn’t be mobile, but you know, whatever.

HUDSON: [laughs] Does he have a lighter like **BB-8?

NICK: No. That would be cool, but he’s not a maintenance droid. That’s like a blowtorch, but he’s just super not designed for that.

CAMERON: We’ve created a Molotov cocktail. Light this, Hank!

NICK: So Hank, this has happened a couple times, his posture gets much more fluid for a second and looks a lot more organic and less uptight like he normally looks. “Look, I’ll see what I can do. Okay?” And then he starts to stalk towards Vyra.

CAMERON: “Did he sound weird to you?”

LAURA: “[straw slurp] Mm-hmm! A little.”


CAMERON: “Okay, just checking.”

LAURA: Doing my own foli work.

NICK: We have another PC slot. Hudson, do you wanna go next or do you want Hank to go next?

HUDSON: I’ll go next. So, I jump over the bar and go ‘hiyah!’

NICK: Heh, nice.

HUDSON: And dive towards them to knife them.

NICK: Are you going after the lady with the gun or the large Gamorrean in the doorway?

CAMERON: With the axe.

NICK: With the axe.

HUDSON: Large Gamorrean in the doorway with the axe.

NICK: That kind of sounded like Clue, didn’t it?


NICK: Okay. Jumping the bar and running through the bar is probably going to be two maneuvers so you’ll have to burn a strain to do that. I imagine you would still want to.

HUDSON: Yes, I would.

NICK: And then you get in close and you see the Gamorrean look up from his down friend and go, ‘Hey, we’re just looking for the one guy,” and then you stab him in the face apparently. Roll your attack.

CAMERON: ‘Tink, set your knife to stun!’

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I’m gonna say the glass showering down on you on the bar isn’t gonna apply to you because you’re no longer behind the bar, so you can just do a straight roll. You need two purples though.

HUDSON: Can I aim?

NICK: [laughs] No.

HUDSON: [laughs] I was just trying.

NICK: I like the idea, but negative.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

NICK: Well, you can roll on the crit chart, or this guy’s a mook, you can just take him down if you want.

HUDSON: Ooh. I think I want to roll on the crit chart for funzies.

LAURA: Just take him down!

HUDSON: Alright, I’ll take him down.


CAMERON: Your knife’ snot gonna do that much damage. Just take him down.

HUDSON: Yeah, it’s not gonna do too much.

NICK: Let’s play it fast and loose. What if, you can use the triumph to take him down and do you want to throw your knife at the lady that’s hiding behind the table? Just do a really cool action move?


NICK: Okay. How many successes do you have?

HUDSON: Total, two.

NICK: Two successes, your Brawn is 3, 5… Okay. You stab this Gamorrean in the chest. He goes “Hey…” and collapses to the ground, frothing blood, and then you turn and you see Hank stomping towards this last leader. She seems pretty into this fight, but her shoulder is pretty torn up from where Xianna shot her. Hank is getting shot at and the blaster bolts are going past him and he’s just ignoring them, and you throw your big old machete knife and it sticks into her side, and she falls back up against the table and she just puts her hand that’ snot holding the now gaping knife wound in her side up, tosses the gun away from her, and goes, “Alright. That’s it. I’m done. It’s over. Sorry.”

HUDSON: I take the vibro-axe, hand it to HK, and say, “You know what to do.” [laughter] And then execution style he slices it through her neck!

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh my god!

NICK: I’m gonna have to veto that one, amigo.

LAURA: Don’t listen to him. We’ve just been watching Game of Thrones, and you know, he’s real excited.

HUDSON: She yells, ‘**Dracaris!’

LAURA: [sadly] Hudson, don’t do that to me.

NICK: So, the one thing that does happen is, the Gamorreans are gone ,it’s the last PC slot, and it’s up to HK, and he’s now standing in front of her. “I walked all the way over here,” and just punches her in the face and knocks her out, and then shakes his hand out which is weird, and then straightens up and says, “Exclamation: Threat eliminated,” and then stands down. Everyone is now gone from this bar. It is just the three of you, and Hank, and Isaac, and an unconscious Gamorrean, and an unconscious Black Sun platoon leader, and a very dead Gamorrean.

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank~”

HUDSON: ‘Hey. What about my badass moves?”

LAURA: “You also were very good. Thank you.”

HUDSON: “Thank you.”

CAMERON: Karma sticks a hand down to Isaac to help him up.

NICK: He holsters his blaster and then grabs onto your hand. You do the macho grab each other by the forearms lift.

CAMERON: Yup. Pull him up, and then reach into his jacket and take the—

NICK: “Ehh! Yeah… I kinda figured that was gonna be done. You can’t blame a guy for trying. It was so cool.”

HUDSON: “Oh no, I can kriffin’ blame a guy for trying. Listen now. You’re the one who just made us have to turn this into a bloody carnage zone, all because you led us to your employers.”

CAMERON: Karma walks over, hands Tink his data breaker…

HUDSON: “Thank you. And another thing!”

CAMERON: …puts her gun into her purse, packs up. [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh wait! Wait, hold on. Was the Black Sun here for the Human?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Oh. Oh, okay.”

NICK: “Well, it’s a little late now, right? I guess we’ll just have to let me go. You know, I was captured against my will. They sort of pressganged me into this whole situation. I didn’t want to be a thief.”

CAMERON: Karma walks over to the leader, puts her in handcuffs, walks over to the Gamorrean who’s passed out, puts him in handcuffs, rips the badge off of the dead one, puts it in her purse.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh, okay. Being a thief is not necessarily a bad thing. So, um, if you just, you know, leave right now I will not tell Karma.”

NICK: “Cool… Yeah, I’ll just go ahead and take off. You know, I’m not saying being a thief is bad, but I’m reformed.” As he turns to go you see that there’s several wallets in his pockets and he’s wearing four watches right now. “But yeah, it’s been good.” He turns and starts to crawl under the bar and leave the same way the bartender did.

LAURA: “Okay bye~!” She waves.

CAMERON: “HK, can you hold her, please?” Hands over the leader.

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.” Goes over and picks up alive Gamorrean, starts dragging—

NICK: Yeah. I was gonna say, you’re probably not gonna just pick this dude up.

CAMERON: [laughing] No, just dragging him along behind me.

NICK: Tink, you were just yelling at this guy. Xianna said he could go and he’s just leaving.

HUDSON: “Why are we letting this guy go?!”

LAURA: “Oh wait! Do you need him for something?”

HUDSON: “I’m just pissed!”

CAMERON: “Sweetie, y’all go deal with that, okay?”

LAURA: “Don’t you have your data breaker back?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, but—“

LAURA: “So just let him go.”

HUDSON: “[huffs] Fine…”

CAMERON: “Tink, do you wanna grab the dead one?”

HUDSON: “Fine…”

LAURA: “Oh Karma, can I put this gun into your bag?”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, sure.”

LAURA: “Oh thank you.”

CAMERON: [laughing] He didn’t take it.

HUDSON: Can I keep the vibro-axe at least?

CAMERON: Buddy, you can have both of the vibro-axes.

HUDSON: [gasps] Dual-wield! Okay!

NICK: End of episode.

[CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

HUDSON: Forty points.

NICK: [snickers]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 36 Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

PDF download: Episode 36 Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 36:
Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First up, we have a new iTunes review. **BioZombie231, thank you for taking the time to tell others about the show. We really appreciate it, and we’re glad you’re excited for what comes next.

This episode features a Patron-created NPC! Isaac **Vars the Human thief was created by Jose **Guerrero. Thank you so much for your continued support, Jose, and I had a lot of fun playing as Isaac. Speaking of Patreon, we’re only $26 away from our next Patreon goal and we could use your help. Please consider supporting the show. The next tier will include us beginning to stream on a regular basis and will give me an excuse to buy X-Wing miniatures and probably a new board game. Give me an excuse to buy spaceships and support us on Patreon.

Additionally, we will be at GenCon in less than a month. Friday at 1 PM we’ll be doing a panel on Gaming in an Established Canon and we would love to see you there. We will also be throwing a Tabletop Squadron party Saturday night. If you’re in the area and want details reach out to the squad on Twitter or on our Discord and we can provide the info.

Music this week is Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 Allegro by Advent Chamber Orchestra.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 36 of Tabletop Squadron. Spring is here, and it has sprung! And by that I mean—

HUDSON: What? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

NICK: I don’t know. I just… It’s like a thing… people say.

LAURA: I’m very confused.

CAMERON: Do you know when this episode is going to be going up?

NICK: Oh, like way after spring I’m sure.

CAMERON: Okay great. Cool.

NICK: Like, mid-summer is here and it has summed.

[dog barks, laughter]

LAURA: The dogs are upset.

CAMERON: Batman thought it was good.

NICK: Oh, Batman thought it was good. So, we’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves, say what character you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we played go ahead and let the folks at home know what you spent it on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’m hoooarding my points.

LAURA: I thought you were gonna say you were hooorny.

HUDSON: [musically] I hooorny~ No.

NICK: Your points.

HUDSON: I’m horny my points.


NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Horny for those points.

NICK: Great. Awesome. Glad that’s now entered our vernacular as a podcast. Great, thank you. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some points. I bought a talent on my Skiptracer tree, so I am now Nobody’s Fool!

NICK: What does that do?

CAMERON: I may upgrade the difficulty of incoming Charm, Coercion, or Deception checks once per rank of Nobody’s Fool!

NICK: You spent those experience points so that you could just say Nobody’s Fool, didn’t you?

CAMERON: [smiling] It’s almost as fun as Street Smarts!

NICK: [laughs] Great. Last up we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought another rank in Coordination, and then I also bought a new square on my talent tree, a new talent on my talent tree. It’s Toughened, and I gain a +2 on my wound threshold, and I need that.

NICK: That’s a very good idea.

LAURA: Yeah. I now have a 13 for my wound threshold. It’s an improvement.

NICK: That’s a lot better than the 9 you started with.

LAURA: Something like that.

NICK: Yeah. It was pretty low.

LAURA: I think it was 11. I think it’s 10 plus your Brawn and Brawn was 1.

NICK: That would do it.

LAURA: Tink has like 17, so…

HUDSON: Yup, 17.

NICK: That’s a lot. That’s like two people worth of… Anyway.

HUDSON: I’m a big’n.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: You’re a big boy.

NICK: Before we move onto the next thing, let’s do the Destiny Roll! Look at me for remembering all the steps.

CAMERON: I’m so proud of you~

NICK: Yeah!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

NICK: Alright. That starts us off with two dark side points and one light side point. That’s a small pool for the session. So, last time, what happened? You got into a volleyball tournament, you had to recruit some people, you found Web-Web for some reason, Web-Web did not want to play volleyball with you, you made a new friend who decided not to become your permanent friend…

CAMERON: [long heavy sigh]

NICK: …you won the volleyball tournament, you had secret pizza?


HUDSON: At the volleyball tournament we met our…

CAMERON: The us from an alternate dimension.

HUDSON: The us from an alternate universe, yes.

NICK: Yeah, like the bizarro-world Afternoon Delight. Yeah.

HUDSON: Yes. Wasn’t it the Morning…?

LAURA: The Mourning Despair.

NICK: Yeah, I wrote that down too. [laughs] They will never come back. You will never see them again.

CAMERON: No, the Mourning Despair is what our ship is called right now. That’s what we registered it at the docks.


HUDSON: They were something else, their ship.

LAURA: I don’t have that.

NICK: They were Something Else…

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: [laughing] Am I missing anything on the recap, volleyball and secret pizza?

HUDSON: And then we signed up for a baseball tournament.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That is going to happen someday.


NICK: Alright. Let’s play some Star Wars I guess.

HUDSON: Pew-pew.

NICK: The camera pans up on the planet of Sesid in the resort town of Thrinaka on its own private island. It’s late morning. You had a successful day yesterday. Hank has let Xianna sleep in if she so chose.

LAURA: She did.

NICK: Okay, and by that I mean HK. Damn it!

LAURA: It’s Hank. Ha-ha!

NICK: What is everybody up to on this lovely summer morning?

CAMERON: Drinking a tiki drink, obviously.

NICK: Obviously, goes without saying.


HUDSON: Yep. Same here. Drinking a tiki drink. I got sunglasses on… I think I just found them. I don’t remember having sunglasses.

NICK: They came on your breakfast platter.

HUDSON: Oh, that’s so great.

NICK: Big old sunglasses. It’s a very nice resort, and you do have the nicest room in the hotel, you upgraded to that, so that does make sense. Hanging poolside?

CAMERON: Probably, so that Tink could get some more slide time in.

HUDSON: Yeah. I’m poolside after I overstay my welcome at the breakfast buffet.


NICK: Great. Xianna, what are you up to?

LAURA: Sleeping. If the breakfast buffet is still happening it’s too early in the morning for Xianna to be up.

NICK: Seems fair. I do need to point out that it goes from breakfast buffet straight into just putting out additional food and it becomes a brunch buffet.

LAURA: Yeah, brunch is still too early. When it becomes the lunch buffet, that is when she will know it is time to wake up.

CAMERON: By the change in smells coming through the room.

LAURA: She’ll know in her heart that when she starts smelling burgers, and no longer smells eggs and maple, because they’ll overlap for a little bit during brunch, but once the maple smell is gone that’s when she wakes up.

NICK: Okay…

LAURA: And I don’t know why she would be able to smell that at the top of the building, but for whatever reason she can.

NICK: It’s just a sense.

CAMERON: The breakfast buffet is actually what our private chef has been making us in our room.


CAMERON: So it’s right next to your room, that’s why the smells happen.

LAURA: It might also just be that when the private chef comes in and asks if I want brunch I say no, I’m sleeping, and then when lunch happens…

CAMERON: Wake me up when lunch happens.

LAURA: …that’s when she gets up and with an oversized hat, oversized sunglasses, and a large mug of caf, goes down to the pool.

NICK: Does anybody check to see if your contact has arrived?

LAURA: Oh, of course not.


CAMERON: Karma probably checked in the morning. That’s what she did yesterday morning.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: She does her morning walk with her tiki drink, gets to the ship parking lot, checks the register, exchanges her empty tiki drink for a new tiki drink at the parking lot side tiki bar, and then walks back to the hotel if she doesn’t see the Tallahassee Quagmire.

NICK: So, it’s pretty much an exact repeat of yesterday with the sunrise and Karma looking very relaxed looking at the board, looking at the ocean, not seeing the ship that you’re looking for, and wandering back.

CAMERON: I ask to get a lid for my tiki drink and then I swim back.

NICK: Ooh. They have what we talked about the before, the air seal, make sure nobody messes with your drink seal that they do, so it’s water tight and you can just tuck it into your hip or just swim with three limbs instead of four.

CAMERON: No, the tiki cup has one of the breathing masks for a scuba tank so that you can drink it while you’re swimming underwater. Somehow Nautolans can drink underwater, because they live underwater.

NICK: Well, it’s like amphibians and stuff, and fish, they just absorb the water they need.

CAMERON: But what if, I mean, do you just dump the tiki drink out in front of you and then swim through it and that’s how you get drunk if you’re a Nautolan?

LAURA: I just imagined that they didn’t have drinks.

CAMERON: No, they have to have drinks.

LAURA: Or they only consume them in airlock rooms, or waterlock rooms, rooms where they push out the water and there’s air in it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Nautolans are definitely amphibians, right, because they have tadpole babies?


NICK: So really all you would need is to make a cloud of alcohol that you could then wave your hand at and then you would absorb it.

CAMERON: They just have alcohol gloves that you put on. [laughs]

LAURA: Theoretically.

NICK: I really don’t like this technology. The aesthetics are displeasing to me.

CAMERON: Somehow it works.

LAURA: I just assumed they don’t have drinks under the water.

NICK: They can do whatever they want. Kit Fisto definitely parties hard whenever he wants, because he’s a cool dude.

CAMERON: Uh, yeah!

NICK: Cool. We open up I guess mid-lunch down by the pool. Everybody has met together and is relaxing. What riveting radio we have created.


LAURA: So exciting.

HUDSON: I doze off.

CAMERON: I’ve been hanging out with my Mon Cal surf instructor friend.

NICK: Oh yeah… That was a thing.

CAMERON: That I met the first day.

NICK: Cool~

HUDSON: Some kids who are playing in the pool splash water on me and I wake up angrily and growl at them.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Except you’re wearing your translator so it says ‘growl noise, growl noise.’

HUDSON: ‘Grr-grr-grr-grr-grr.’


CAMERON: ‘Bus breaks.’

NICK: ‘Bus break noises.’ So, you all have a few options on how to spend your day. Based on Sentinel’s timeline that he gave you, he didn’t say specifically when the contact would show up but you know based on how much earlier you were from what he thought he was that your contact’s probably gonna show up pretty soon. You have a couple of leads. There’s also more fun activities to do around the resort. What all do you want to go after?

LAURA: Xianna is in the pool, hat and sunglasses still on, and she’s trying—she’s just sexting what she thinks is Nolaa’s com number. She’s not 100% positive because no one’s responded yet. Also, what would the word be for…? It’s not sexting really because it’s not a text.

NICK: Som…xting. Somxting? You have to take the word text and switch that out for com but still say sex. Com…exting. Scomxting.

LAURA: I don’t like somming, and I don’t like semming. [laughter] Neither of those are good options.

HUDSON: I like semming.



LAURA: I’m just gonna say sexting.

NICK: I think sexting is probably the best way to go. I don’t really like the—

CAMERON: We have definitely sent texts before through our com links.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s more interesting if everyone has pseudo-smartphones except when I don’t want you to, so that’s what we’ll do.

CAMERON: We have like, **razors.

NICK: You get the **jorgan fruit emoji back from the coms number, but that’s it.

LAURA: She’s okay with that.

CAMERON: [chuckles] All things considered, decent response.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: So, around this time you’re all standing by the pool and a protocol droid toddles up to you and has a little silver tray with a little folder on it and hands it—I guess Karma and Tink are next to each other on lawn chairs or whatever, or deck chairs?

CAMERON: Yeah, with HK next to us, also laying on a lawn chair.

NICK: Yeah. In a rare show of organic-ness, HK has turned to face the sun and has turned his optical receptors off and is just staring into the sky seeming to enjoy himself, basking almost. Xianna’s in the pool nearby. This protocol droid toddles up and hands Karma this tray with this little folder on it, and it’s a bill for expenses so far. The protocol droid says, ‘You never really specified how long you would stay, but we wanted to update you on your expenses.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.”

NICK: “You’re welcome,” and it toddles off.

CAMERON: [grinning] Karma’s gonna look at the folder.

NICK: It’s about 8,000 Credits so far.

HUDSON: That is covered by Sentinel?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: No, you had that argument. He said you can keep track of what you’re spending but he’s probably not going to reimburse you.

HUDSON: How many credits do we have?

LAURA: In total? I don’t know. I personally have about 700. I don’t know what you have personally.

CAMERON: I’m gonna plead the fifth. [giggles]

LAURA: Also, Xianna’s idea was that we skipped out on the bill, so…

CAMERON: Karma’s idea was we were gonna go talk to… **Gangem the bartender who makes the best mojitos who could get us a deal.

LAURA: That we could then skip out on.

CAMERON: “Uh, hey, Xianna, come over here.”

LAURA: “Okay, but um… what if you come over here? I am in the pool.”

CAMERON: “We’ve got alcohol.”

LAURA: “Okay~” [laughter] She climbs up out of the pool and walks over. “What is it?”

CAMERON: “So, they just handed me this.” I show the total figure at the bottom.

LAURA: “Okay, and yes, we are going to skip out on it, so why does that matter?”

CAMERON: “Guys, I’m NOT wanted right now, and I realize Tink’s name is the only one on it, but still.”

LAURA: “Technically neither am I, so I don’t really care. We could just leave.”

CAMERON: “Or we could go talk to **Gangem.”

LAURA: “Okay, but we still have to pay money in that scenario.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but less money.”

LAURA: “yes, but still money.”

CAMERON: “Yes, but less money.”

LAURA: “Okay… but it is money that I did not plan on spending.”

HUDSON: “I’ll go in on it.”

LAURA: “So like, just now I did order a whole bunch of stuff to get sent to the room that is not going to be on that bill, and I don’t want to pay for it.”

CAMERON: “It’s okay. We can get an itemized receipt and put those in your name.”

LAURA: “I ordered them under Tink’s name, so…”

HUDSON: “Whoa!”

CAMERON: “I mean, the front desk will let you change that, though.”

HUDSON: “I mean, we’re buddies, we’re pals, but that’s a little out of line.”

LAURA: “Well no, because technically the room is under your name.”

CAMERON: “That is true, and you’re the one who said you wanted the fancy penthouse suite.”

LAURA: “You did.”

HUDSON: “I did want the fancy penthouse suite, so I’ll go in on the bill. How many credits do you have, Xianna?”

LAURA: “Look, how about we do this. If you two want to pay for the room, you can, and you pay for your portion, and then I will just not pay my portion.”

HUDSON: “That’s not how this works.”

LAURA: “But it could!”

HUDSON: “No, if we give partial payment then they’ll ask for the rest right then.”

CAMERON: [laughs] “That’s how that works.”

LAURA: “I have never paid for a hotel or apartment room in my entire life and I do not plan on it now.”

NICK: … Hmm! [laughter] That has a lot of implications for like, the amount of times the story has started with Xianna in an apartment and things like that.

LAURA: [smiling] yes!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughing] What an interesting character trait you have decided.

LAURA: I mean, I feel like it’s pretty fitting if you’ve been paying attention to how she operates this entire time.

HUDSON: ‘I’m wanted by 16 apartment collectives across the galaxy.’

LAURA: [laughs] “Also, alternative plan, what if Tink hacks into their system and sends the bill to someone else? Like Falx. We don’t like him, so you know, send it to him!”

HUDSON: “Oh… We don’t like Falx, that’s true.”

CAMERON: “Is he dead?”

HUDSON: ‘he’s not dead.”

LAURA: “I don’t think so.”

CAMERON: Did we get an answer on that?

NICK: No one’s looked.

LAURA: “I got a maybe I think.”

CAMERON: Yeah, we asked Mills about it, but I don’t think Mills gave us an answer.

NICK: he wasn’t sure.


LAURA: “I mean, but if no one is sure, his accounts have probably not been frozen yet.”

CAMERON: “Or they’ve been taken over by the Empire, because Falx kind of murdered that governor.”

LAURA: “Yeah, so we send the bill to the Empire, the Empire takes the bill, and then we don’t pay! Basically, do you see the theme I am going with? We don’t pay.”

CAMERON: “I was seeing that theme. Yeah.”

HUDSON: “That’s a theme. Alright, how about this? What if I try to put it in Falx’s name, but if I can’t you will help us with the bill?”

LAURA: “No… Maybe.”

HUDSON: “Oh, it’s a maybe? A no-be.”

LAURA: “A no-be…”

HUDSON: “That’s a combination of the two, and that’s closer than I thought we’d get.”

NICK: “Did somebody say my name? My name’s Ben, Ben Onobi.”

HUDSON & CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Just some guy in a banana hammock with a really nice beard walks by.

LAURA: “Oh, no, sorry.”

CAMERON: “Oh, sorry Old Ben.”

NICK: ‘Oh, I resent that name.”

CAMERON: “That’s apparently what everyone calls you.”

LAURA: “You can’t just call anyone old. He’s not even that old.”

HUDSON: “That’s ageist.”

LAURA: “You just call any random 60-year-old old, that is offensive.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s just any man named Ben, it’s just old Ben.”

LAURA: “Oh! Is this like a cultural thing for Nautolans, like anyone named Ben is old? It’s like a nickname?”

CAMERON: “I think it’s a Tatooine thing actually, pretty sure that’s where I picked it up.”

LAURA: “Huh…”

NICK: “Well, I’m not from there, so thanks a lot for, uh—“

CAMERON: “Oh, you should check it out, there’s lots of sand.”

NICK: “Oh, you think so?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. If you like beaches… without water… let me recommend Tatooine.” [laughs]

NICK: “Sounds great. Well, that’s it for Old Ben Onobi, never to appear again,” and he walks off into the water.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: And then a shark eats him. I don’t like that NPC.



NICK: Blood everywhere!

HUDSON: ‘Why is there a shark in the pool?! Who did that?’

CAMERON: Whoops.

NICK: It sounds to me like you’re working with three different plans right now. You could either skip on the bill, wait for your contact to show up and just boogie out and hope it never comes up again. You could try to hack the registry to charge Falx and therefore the Empire for your ludicrously high bill. Or, you could go try to meet up with this **Gangem guy and see what the discount looks like and what you would do from there.

CAMERON: Or, we could try them in an order, and just do all of them. [laughs]

LAURA: “Plan A through C. Plan A: We don’t pay. Plan 2:–“ [laughter] “Plan 2: Tink hacks into the system. Plan C: I guess we pay.”

HUDSON: “Let’s reverse A and 2.”

LAURA: “So, Plan 2: Tink tries to hack into the system.”

HUDSON: “Is now A.”

LAURA: ‘No, it’s still Plan 2, we just moved it in front of Plan A.”

HUDSON: “Got it, 2, A, C.”

LAURA: “2, A, c.”

CAMERON: “I’m not okay with this ordering system.”

HUDSON: “2, A, C, it makes sense. No, it doesn’t. We didn’t start from the real starting number. It should be 0, A, B, for the original number.”

LAURA: “No, it would be 0, A, C.”

HUDSON: “No-no-no, you don’t start at 1, you start at 0.”

CAMERON: “So yeah, 0 was originally 2… Wait.” [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna has her fingers out. “Okay, so if 0 is now… If 1 is now 0, then 2 is now—Okay, okay, so Plan 1, then Plan A, then Plan C.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

CAMERON: “Can we change A to Alpha? Because I’m feeling uncomfortable with A and C both being options.”

HUDSON: “Alright. What if it’s like… C as in Capple, and then—“

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Yes, so Plan 1, Plan A, Plan Capple.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: [smiling] “Oh okay… I mean, that’s better I guess. Which one are we doing first?”

LAURA: “Plan 1.”

CAMERON: “I thought we were gonna do Plan 0?”

LAURA: “Plan 0 is now Plan 1, because—It was not Plan 0, it was Plan 2, but Tink says that we start at 0, so if 1 is 0…  is 1, so it’s now Plan 1.”

CAMERON: [nervously] “Okay, okay, I think I followed that.”

LAURA: “And Plan 1 is Tink hack into the system.”

HUDSON: Suddenly Tink tries to be cool and says, “This is so galaxy brain.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “Assertion: I have a literal giant AI for a brain and I am confused.”

CAMERON: “Just go with it, HK.”

LAURA: “So Hank, can you hack into the system and make Falx pay for it? You haven’t met him, but you would not like him.”

NICK: “Thoughtfully: I have some vague memories of him. I’m not sure why.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that is not good. That’s not good, right?”


LAURA: Xianna’s looking at Karma and Tink. “That’s not a…?”

CAMERON: “Wait-wait-wait! The murder robot, at the party, right?”

LAURA: “There was a murder robot at a party?”

CAMERON: “You don’t remember the murder robot?!”

LAURA: “What party?!”

CAMERON: “It came jumping into the room and shooting and yelling things.”

LAURA: “There was a party? Heh. When?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, it was on Mustafar.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, on Mustafar, Falx’s party where he murdered Silpin and you almost got us all killed.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay, that actually sounds familiar.”

HUDSON: “Well, to be fair, I put the Rancore Protocol in the robot. It was my bad.”

CAMERON: “That might be why you have memories!”

NICK: Hey, editor Nick, you’re gonna have to go find that and slice this in.

[flashback begins]

NICK: “Hello, my name is Whist. I couldn’t help but see that you’re trying to do some computer technician work. I happen to be particularly suited to that type of work. How can I help?”

HUDSON: “Oh, I don’t need any help. Thank you.”

NICK: “Oh no, I must insist. I am programmed to be helpful.”

HUDSON: I look left, and look right, and regardless of what I see I grab Whist and run to the hallway.


HUDSON: I think I may need to flip a point for this, but I have a data spike that can shut off that signal and put the bot under my control.

NICK: You think you grabbed that one, but instead you jab the Rancore Protocol into this droid.

HUDSON: Oh, my…

NICK: Yeah. The droid appears to be deactivated right now.

HUDSON: I push the on button.

NICK: It turns on. It looks at you and goes, “Filthy human, I’ll destroy you for this!” And all the arms come up, and there are corkscrews and blasters…

ALYSON: And scissors.

NICK: …and scissors, a magnifying glass for some reason.

ALYSON: [smiling] Yeah, yeah, definitely.

NICK: Pew-pew! Pew-pew-pew! Pew! Tink comes running out of the hallway with a gesticulating Whist going around the room and saying “There’s been a murder~!” Pew! Pew-pew-pew!


NICK: Whist drops back. You see he has a little tick that you’re not used to. Some of his lights are glowing red instead of the usual yellow they have, and his voice sounds different.

ALYSON: Okay. Hmm.

NICK: “Extrapolation: I just hate you organics,” and he shoves him.

[flashback ends]

NICK: “Clarification: Additionally, what part of my skillset makes you think that I am adept at slicing?”

CAMERON: “The AI brain, I think.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Also, I am not good at slicing and computers so I don’t really know.”

HUDSON: “Are you trying to get rid of my number one skill in this group?”

LAURA: “No, I thought you could both hit on the keyboard at the same time and hack together.”

HUDSON: “No, that’s not how that works.”

CAMERON: “I think what she was thinking was you could hack the system by hitting on the keyboard and HK could hack the system by hitting on the computer.”


CAMERON: “Like AI to AI.”

HUDSON: “Oh. You can kind of loosen it up a little bit.”

NICK: “Observation: If I am needed to punch a terminal. I will.”

CAMERON: “That is not what I meant. [laughs]”

HUDSON: “Oh, no, no. I need you to form a relationship with the terminal.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “You can’t just ask someone to do that, Tink!”

HUDSON: “No, that’s exactly what Karma just said! Hit on the terminal, on the computer.”

CAMERON: [laughing, spluttering] “No, not with the terminal, with the AI. Not the physical machinery.”

HUDSON: “The AI hitting on the AI. Yeah, no, I didn’t mean loosen it physically I meant loosen it emotionally so I can break into it easier.”

LAURA: “Or do both, if that is something you are comfortable doing.”

CAMERON: [laughing] This was a weird suggestion. I’m sorry.

LAURA: “If it is not something you are comfortable doing then do not.”

HUDSON: “You’re assuming Hank has free will.”


LAURA: “I feel like he does…”

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “He does unless you give him an order. That’s very rude.”

NICK: “Objection: While my free will is rudimentary, I don’t appreciate the assertion.”

LAURA: “You can’t just say things like that, Tink.”

HUDSON: “I’m sorry. It’s not like… Listen, I control computers.”

LAURA: “But a computer is not the same thing as a droid.”

HUDSON: “You’re right.”

NICK: “Angry Statement: I can flirt with an AI if I want to.”

HUDSON: “Do you want to?”

CAMERON: “That’s right, HK, you can!”

LAURA: “Yes, you can, but you shouldn’t if you do not want to, only if you want to.”

NICK: “Theoretic Query: Would seducing a computer be a skill that requires practice?”

CAMERON: [laughing] It depends on how awkward the other AI is…

LAURA: “You know Hank, I think that is going to be something you will have to find out on your own. I have no answers for you.”

HUDSON: “There’s actually an answer to this.”

CAMERON: “It’s a skill that everyone has to learn. You know, you’re not gonna learn if you don’t practice. You know, just go talk to them.”

HUDSON: “Actually, whoever created your AI, were they awkward, Hank?”

NICK: “Conclusive Statement: Probably.”

HUDSON: “Alright, then you’re gonna be awkward, but practicing will make that go away. Take it from me, I am the master of love.”

NICK: “Hesitation: I’m concerned about where this is going.” And we’re gonna swipe to whatever the fuck is about to happen.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, we need a couple of things. Your plan is to have Hank distract the AI system that runs the financial database for this resort…

HUDSON: Distract is the wrong verb.

NICK: Okay, what verb?

HUDSON: Seduce.


NICK: Seduce the glorified calculator accounting program, while you hack into it and assign it to somewhere else. Flip me a dark side point. The network is very rudimentary. You’re going to have to sneak into the back stage of this hotel to find any sort of access to the financial records. You can’t just do it from your room. Are you and Hank going it alone? Are you gonna try and sneak through the service corridors and stuff and find a computer room?

HUDSON: Yes. “Alright, Hank, here’s the plan. I’m gonna be wearing my sunglasses because my eyes just give me away at all times. I’m gonna be wearing one of those—“

NICK: “Clarification: You are worried about looking suspicious.”

HUDSON: “Correct. That’s why I’m wearing sunglasses. I’m also going to be holding a drink. Now, I don’t drink, keep the edge, however—“ [laughter] “There’s gonna be alcohol in this drink and I’ll pretend to be sipping on it so that if we get found out I can pretend like I’m a very drunk tourist with my drunk droid friend and we have just wandered into these corridors looking for our room.”

NICK: You get that hard drive noise of the slight clicking, and then he just resets and looks ready to do whatever. He’ll follow your lead. I guess I need a Stealth roll. Karma and Xianna, are you all just hanging out while all of this goes on?

CAMERON: I guess so.

LAURA: I got the feeling that Tink didn’t invite us.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It kind of seemed like it was gonna be a bro trip, so…

NICK: What’s Tink’s Agility?

HUDSON: Two. [chuckles]

NICK: Alright. This is gonna be a combined check, because you’re trained in Stealth and HK super isn’t. Oh no, actually he has a point in Stealth, but he also has 4 Agility.

HUDSON: So just roll a bunch of dice?

NICK: What’s your Stealth training?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: Roll one green and three yellows. Y’all are competent.

CAMERON: Tink has super squishy, soft feet.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Difficulty is going to be average, because it’s just a hotel. They’re not expecting this.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success, an additional success, and an advantage.

NICK: Interesting. You know, just a little peek behind the DM screen here, I’m very interested that the complication for the triumph and the complication for a despair are the same in my head right now.


HUDSON: Wait, what?

NICK: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. So, with all of that going on, we get a quick montage of Tink and Hank. They are in the main lobby and there’s the swinging service doors that go past the breakfast room or whatever, and you step into that. The decorated beach style Jimmy Buffet extravagance that was going on in this resort is replaced with just plain white walls, the stained concrete floors that are really easy to maintain, it’s very utilitarian back here. We get shots of Tink and Hank pressed up against a wall as room service carts go by. There’s a point where some security detail people, there’s some Draedans with their green scales and their big shark teeth and they have radios on their polos and capri pants. They’re going by, and Tink goes ‘Quick, kiss me!’ and they duck around the corner and start kissing and the security guards just avoid them and go on.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You start to approach a server room. It’s pretty easy to find, everything’s really labeled. I think it was funny.

HUDSON: I thought it was funny.

CAMERON: [laughing] I’m just picturing—Tink’s wearing a translator over his mouth and HK’s a droid.

NICK: Oh yeah. It’s definitely just metal clinking together.

HUDSON: ‘Wait! Kiss me!’ [scrapes something against microphone]

NICK: ‘Bus breaks, bus breaks, error.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, you start to approach the server room. You push open the door and you see a figure already there, and it appears to be furtively tapping with one hand on a keyboard, and we’re gonna cut back to Karma and Xianna. what are you two up to?

CAMERON: “Hey Xianna, do you wanna go tiki bar hopping?”

LAURA: “Um, did you even have to ask me that?”

NICK: [smiling] The camera zooms out and you’re already at the first tiki bar.

CAMERON: We’re sitting at a tiki bar leaning against it. We both have tiki drinks.

LAURA: “Part of me thought that was already the plan. I’ve been to four today alone.”

CAMERON: “I think this is my… This is either my third or fourth one. I don’t remember. I didn’t go to the pool one, but I did go to the one at the landing strip, so I think I’m at four. Anyway, I was thinking we could look for the bartender who could potentially get us a deal.”

LAURA: “Well, so the bartender is right over there.” She points to the bartender.

CAMERON: “We have to find the correct one, though.”

LAURA: “Oh, the one that will give us a deal.”


LAURA: “Okay. If we’re going to stick the bill to Falx, do we really want a deal?”

CAMERON: “Not necessarily, if it works, but we do just as a backup plan. We can go to all of these tiki bars and ask who the bartender is and if they know him, and then even if we don’t end up using it we still went to all of these tiki bars, so I don’t think we’re really wasting our time.”

LAURA: “Yes. I guess we can do Plan C while Plan A is happening, and we tiki hop. I guess.”

NICK: Now I have this great idea of Karma and Xianna being each other’s wingmen and picking people up while doing that. Is that an arc that you guys would like to do?

CAMERON: Haaave you met Xianna?

LAURA: “Ello~!”

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] I don’t know. That just seems really adorable to me, and a bonding thing. If you want to do that, great, if not—

LAURA: Xianna will start doing that without any prompting. She’ll just go up to people and be like, “Ello, so my friend over there I think is single, pretty sure, like 80% sure she is single. She is a hot mom, and if you want to go buy her a drink and say hello you should.” And she’ll wink a little bit.

NICK: “Cha!” It’s just a really burly… I don’t know, surfer.

CAMERON: Probably at the same time Karma is talking to the person next to her. “So you see that purple Twi’lek over there?”

NICK: “Oh yeah.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, so… I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but she was telling me earlier how attractive she thought you were and how she really would like to get to know you a little bit better, so…”

NICK: “What? Really?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. She was making eyes at you while we were over by the pool, so I think you should go buy her a drink.”

NICK: “Yeah, at this all-inclusive resort, that’s a great idea.”

CAMERON: “I mean, it’s the thought that counts.”

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: Xianna, you’re approached by a Barabel. They’re like velociraptor aliens. They’re pretty cool. They’re kind of like the Trandoshans but bigger, stronger, scarier, more alligator-like. He offers you an extra-large tiki drink.

LAURA: “Well thank you.”

NICK: “It’s premium.”

LAURA: “Well thank you. Can you hold on for one second?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

LAURA: She types into her com to the number she’s pretty sure is Nolaa’s, ‘new phone who dis?’ Send, and then turns back to the Barabel. “Okay. Well, we can chat for a few minutes. I do have to see what that response is before fully engaging in the flirting. I’m like 20% sure I’m dating someone, but you know, only 20% sure.”

NICK: “Well, I mean, we could at least get to know each other a little bit.”

LAURA: “Yeah, yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s Klassk.”

LAURA: “Hi Klassk.”

NICK: “I have a tattoo of a Jedi on my bicep that swings its lightsaber when I flex. Wanna see?”

LAURA: “Yes!”

HUDSON & CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. One, I love it. Two, where did you get it? I have a friend who needs a tattoo and I think that would look perfect on him. Three, um… I don’t have a point three. Heh.”

NICK: And we cut over to Karma and… it’s a really burly, like Baywatch-looking Human, bleach blonde hair, nice tan, red board shorts. “Cha. Heard you were looking for someone to hang out with.”

CAMERON: How old does this person look? [laughs]

NICK: Uh… like 28-29? “The name’s Crush!”

LAURA: Oh yeah. Xianna was like ‘oh, this guy’s older, that’ll be…’


NICK: “We’re here on spring break!”

CAMERON: Xianna’s like ‘I don’t know, they’re older than me, that’s how old Karma is.’

LAURA: ‘Older than me? Yup.’

CAMERON: “Where are you traveling from?”

NICK: “Uh… You know, it’s weird, I just suddenly drew a blank. I was just looking at how beautiful you were, and…”

CAMERON: “Aw, that’s very sweet.”

NICK: “…forgot. Actually, I’m studying Xenology at Coronet University.”

CAMERON: “Cool!”

NICK: “Working on my PhD!”

CAMERON: “Nice!”

NICK: “Yah!”

CAMERON: “Sweet.”

NICK: “I’m here to study the Draedan culture. Some people say that the resort has been a cultural deficit, but I think it shows, I don’t know, like business or something.”

CAMERON: “That is a VERY good point.”

NICK: “My catchphrase is CHA!”

CAMERON: “… You know, sweetie, I had noticed that.”

NICK: [laughs] “Can I get you a drink?!”

CAMERON: “Yeah, that’d be great…”

NICK: [smiling] He turns to the bar and signals to the Draedan. The bartender looked like they were going to be offended when this Human said they were studying them xenologically, and then when the thesis kind of fell through and turned to be more of an economics thing than a xenology thing they just kind of shrug and hand over some very shiny tiki glasses.


NICK: You notice them get on a stepstool to reach the top shelf stuff, mixing things.


NICK: Also, as the Human turns around, you notice his back is very muscular and very fancy… which is hard to do, as somebody who tried to lift a weight once, it’s hard to make your back look all muscly.

CAMERON: Karma’s very impressed but is still very much of the opinion that this is a very young person.

NICK: Oh well. He’s gonna keep talking to you.

CAMERON: I mean, she’s gonna keep talking to him about his hopes and dreams, and how college life is going, and what made him pursue his PhD.

NICK: Make me an Education check…

CAMERON: Oh no. Why? [laughs]

NICK: Make it hard.


HUDSON: [breathy] Make it hard.

NICK: God dang it. [laughs]

CAMERON: I don’t have anything for Education.

NICK: This guy does.

CAMERON: Well, obviously. [laughs]

NICK: I’m just proving a point using the game mechanics. Don’t worry about it. As a GM right now I’m like should I have introduced like a silver fox guy? Like, what is Karma’s type? I don’t even know.

CAMERON: Probably at least her age. [laughs]


CAMERON: Heh! One success, two threats.

NICK: Cool. With that you’re able to pretty much follow the structure of his thesis even though he keeps getting distracted by—he says it’s your beauty, but you think he just keeps looking at the ocean and being distracted, and he’s just a little airheaded on that front. You’re able to follow the structure of his thesis and you’re able to see kind of what he’s going for, and it’s actually some pretty cool research that could kind of change some understanding if people read his papers. The threats are that it’s not particularly interesting to you, him talking about like “…and that’s why synergistic interpretation of people’s different cultures can lead to, like, a better overall understanding, you know?”


NICK: “Yeah! Now you’re getting’ it!”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut back to Tink and HK. You get into the server room, and it’s dark, it’s lit only by the flickering view screens, and there’s someone hunched over one of the keyboards typing with one hand. He turns around and says, “Oh hey, I’m almost done here. If you could just, uh, shut the door on your way out I’ll be getting out of here. Just moving some data around, you know, that kind of thing.”

HUDSON: “Sounds abnormal. Who are you?”

NICK: “Observation: This appears to be some sort of security breech.”

“Hey, yeah, I don’t know what your droid is talking about. I’m here- I’m fixing- I’m cleaning the network… tubes.”

HUDSON: “Now, you’re right that the network is a series of tubes, however they don’t need to be cleaned as often as you’re cleaning them, it appears.”

NICK: “Hey, uh… That’s great. Who are you?”

HUDSON: “I am the resort IT guy.”

NICK: “Really?”

HUDSON: “Yes.”

NICK: Hmm. I think we need to do some sort of opposed Deception check.

CAMERON: Hudson, please make Nick keep talking to himself as this NPC and Hank.

NICK: No~!


HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be two purple and a red. … Uh-oh.

HUDSON: I have two failures and an advantage.

NICK: “Yeah… You’re not a Draedan, so gonna have to say you are not the resort IT, buddy. Come on in, shut the door, let’s talk this through.”

HUDSON: I go and shut the door.

NICK: He pulls out a blaster and aims it at you. [laughs] “Alright, here’s the thing.” You get a good look at him. As you shut the door the lights turn on. He is a pretty short Human. He has tan skin, he looks kind of like a scrawny teenager. He has curly hair that’s cut into a trendy undercut, and you notice that where his left arm would be there’s a sleeve that’s neatly pinned up, and in his right arm is a hold out blaster that he is pointing at you and apparently ignoring HK. “Look, I was here first. I’m trying to rob this place. I need you to go away or I’ll have to shoot you, and I would feel really bad about it.”

HUDSON: “Alright, so how about this. You let me go first. I’m doing something much less illegal than you are.” [laughter] “You could even think of mine as a prank, almost. So, if you let me do that then you can go on with your heist, and we won’t have a problem, and I won’t mention anything and you won’t mention anything.”

NICK: “Hey now, I never said it was a heist, I’m just appropriating some data…” You can see that the screen that was up is actually just a bunch of error messages and he has a data spike just jammed into a terminal very sloppily. The system is just crashing. Whatever he was doing was not really working. “Look. Yeah.” He holsters his blaster. “I’ll let you go first. Do you think you could help me with the thing that I’m trying to do? That could be cool. I’ll let you go THIS time.” He takes a step back and just looks really anxious and a little worried about the situation.

HUDSON: “Let’s talk more after I go.”

NICK: “Uhhhh… Okay fine.” And we’re gonna cut back to Xianna and Karma. Are you still at the same tiki bar?

CAMERON: We have bounced to a new tiki bar.

LAURA: Yeah, new tiki bar.

CAMERON: So, we’re on our next tiki bar. We have been asking the bartenders what their names are.

NICK: Okay. Did you drop those two dudes?



NICK: Okay. As you’re leaving the bar, you get a text ,Xianna, on your com that says ‘Aw, harsh,’ and has the ‘XD’ and also the eggplant emoji.

LAURA: “Okay, I don’t think this is Nolaa… Okay, well let me—“ and she’s going through numbers trying to find the one she thinks is Nolaa, and then when she finds the one she’s pretty sure of she sends some peach emojis.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. We’ll leave that for a minute. This tiki bar, it’s gotten into night, a lot of people have the glow-in-the-dark stripes on their clothes and the paint and it’s very super cool and trendy. All the tiki glasses light up. There’s a lot of black light everywhere. There’s another Draedan at the bar mixing mojitos.


NICK: You notice as you walk in the bartender smiles to you and their teeth light up.


NICK: Like the scary black light smiles, and it also kind of looks like a tiki drink, because you just see their glowing eyes and their big, scary, jagged teeth… and you go into the bar.

CAMERON: I’d say Karma and Xianna have probably acquired leis at this point…

NICK: Yeah, for sure.


CAMERON: …that have the lights in them, because it’s gotten dark. They’ve been getting slowly more festive as the tiki bar adventure has progressed.

LAURA: Absolutely. Xianna has probably acquired various other outfit items that are light-up, and you have no idea where those came from, just suddenly her hat has lights on it but it looks like they’re built into the hat, and you didn’t know that before, so you’re not sure if it’s the same hat or not.

NICK: I’m picturing Xianna in one of those hats that’s also a bowl for chips and dip, like sombrero thing.

CAMERON: [gasps] And you just break off a piece, stick it in your guacamole and eat it. That’s disgusting, but I very much like the idea at the same time.

LAURA: Xianna would absolutely never wear a chip and dip hat. That is 100% a Tink thing. You know Tink would wear a chip and dip hat.

CAMERON: But he’d get fur in the guacamole…

LAURA: She did order one, and it is in the room. [laughter] One of the things she ordered in the morning was a chip and dip hat.

HUDSON: This wouldn’t have been my first chip and dip hat.

LAURA: It wouldn’t have been.


NICK: Oh boy. So, you’re at the bar. What are you doing? Are you hitting on more people?

LAURA: Yes, still uncoordinated, sending other people over to the other person. They still have not said that they’re doing this or talked about it in any way, but they’re doing it.

CAMERON: No. [laughing] And they’re just picking people.

LAURA: So now they’re both a little confused about why people keep coming over and being like ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ Heh.

CAMERON: And Karma’s like ‘Why are all of these people so young?!’ [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah! [laughs]

NICK: I want you to design the NPC you’re sending at the other character.

LAURA: Okay. Now Xianna goes and she sees this really, really buff Bothan, so Xianna goes up to her. “Oh hello, how are you doing?” Xianna’s not actually sure what Karma’s into, so she’s just gonna send everyone she sees.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Which is making Karma even more confused.

NICK: I’m picturing like Zoya from Overwatch but as a cool cat-lion person.

LAURA: Oh yes. Bothan Zoya, so you can do a Russian accent.

NICK: It’s not gonna be good.

LAURA: Is it Zarya?

NICK: Yep.

LAURA: [laughing] Zoya the Destroyer is from Glow, which is also Russian, so it works.

NICK: [laughs] Oh boy. “Well hello. What can I help you with?”

LAURA: “Hi. So, do you see my Nautolan friend over there?”

NICK: “Oh yeah. I think everyone saw her when she walked in.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I am pretty sure she is single if you want to go talk to her. You should go talk to her, buy her a drink.”

NICK: “Are you, like, friends or…? Why are you just sending me to go talk to this random person?”

LAURA: “Um… Oh, I mean, I think she would maybe say we are friends. I would maybe say between work associates and friends. I don’t know if, like, she knows my birthday or anything. I don’t know her birthday. I don’t actually know if she has a middle name or not and I feel like a friend should know if you have a middle name or not… So like acquaintances? That live on a ship together.”

CAMERON: Karma 100% knows all of that information about Xianna because it’s in her profile for the bounties.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: “Well, it sounds like you just put up a lot of reasoning for why she’s not your friend, but you’ve also put a lot of thought into it, so you should probably think about that a little on your own.” She hands you her tiki drink which is brand new and she gets another one off the bar. “You should probably drink that,” and she goes to talk to Karma. Who do you find to send to Xianna?

CAMERON: So, they’re probably about 27 years old, a male Zabrak, red, with black tattoos, wearing a lei and little lights on all of his horns. It’s very festive. It kind of looks like a crown. Why are you making faces at me?

LAURA: His name is—

NICK: [smiling] What’s his leg situation?

LAURA: It doesn’t matter! His name is **Luam.

NICK: Yuck.

LAURA: And that is just Maul backwards.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yup. You can’t see the leg situation. He’s wearing essentially a long towel around his hips.

LAURA: I thought you were gonna say a grass skirt.

CAMERON: Ooh, better, yes. He’s wearing a grass skirt.

NICK: Festive.

CAMERON: And has a kind of sheer robe thing on that’s open showing his muscular chest.

NICK: He’s got the lean hunter physique. Yeah. What do you say to this random guy to get him to go see Xianna?

CAMERON: Karma’s basically been using the same speech at every single one of the tiki bars. “Hey, do you see that purple Twi’lek?”

NICK: “Yeah?”

CAMERON: [giggles]


CAMERON: Karma kinda goes, like ‘ick,’ but very slightly though.

NICK: ‘Make my day!’

CAMERON: “Yeah, so she was telling me as we walked in that—I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but she was saying how attractive you are, and I know that she’s too intimidated to come up and talk to you herself, so that’s why I’m here. You should go talk to her.”

NICK: “The hunt begins.” He stalks off.

CAMERON: “Have fun.” Ehh…

NICK: God damn it.

LAURA: I also enjoy the two different tactics in that Karma is doing the lying, ‘oh, you should go talk to them, because they were eyeing you.’

CAMERON: ‘They were so into you.’

LAURA: ‘They were telling me they were so into you,’ and Xianna’s just like ‘yo, you see that person? Go talk to ‘em! I’ma drink.’ Heh.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: Part of the reason that Karma’s is working is because she has serious mom energy and is walking up to all of these people who are closer to Xianna’s age, and being like ‘hey, do you see that purple Twi’lek? I think it would be a good idea if you went and talked to them.’

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut back to Tink, HK, and this thief guy. Are you slicing the computer?

HUDSON: Yes, I’m slicing the computer, but before I do I say, “What’s your name, friend?”

NICK: “Oh, um, you know, I don’t do this a lot, but I feel like just doing introductions in the middle of a job, maybe not the best idea. You know?”

HUDSON: “No, your handle, not your name.”

NICK: “Handle… Oh, right, slicers do that. Handle… Um, call me Lucky, I guess. Yeah.”

CAMERON: Ishmael. [laughs]

HUDSON: Ishmael. [laughs]

NICK: “Yeah, just call me Lucky. Yeah, I do this all the time. I’m definitely a slicer. Yeah. Do your computer thing.”

HUDSON: “Of course you are!”

NICK: “Yeah… It’s fine.”

HUDSON: Alright. I do my slicing.

NICK: Cool. The computer is only average, but because it’s got a lot of lockdown situations it’s gonna have two black dice.

HUDSON: So, remove one—well, I’m not defending computers check.

NICK: Are you using your data breaker?

HUDSON: [gasps] I do. I didn’t even look over there. I have Bypass Security so it removes the other one.

LAURA: I got you.

HUDSON: Thank you. I am using my data breaker so -1.

NICK: Doesn’t that give you blue dice?

CAMERON: It should give you two blue dice.

HUDSON: Yeah, it does give me two blue dice. Thank you all.


NICK: You’re welcome.

HUDSON: Four successes and four advantages.

NICK: Yeah, this whole system is super yours. You can do whatever the heck you want in it. You open it up, you slice in very quickly. As you’re typing through all this stuff, you have your data breaker plugged in, I think you pulled the data spike out of the port and stuck your data breaker in and everything opened up. You get the Windows boot up noise. It starts updating and you use that as a way to get into all of the admin files, and you’re just in. At this point the guy that you caught trying to do exactly that is leaning over your shoulder. “Hey, where did you get that cool box thing? That seems really helpful.”

HUDSON: “Oh, you have to know people.”

NICK: “Ooh, that’s vague. Look, tell you what. You’re doing your thing and then you’re gonna do my thing, right? Help me out? I’ll help you out. I don’t know how, but I’ll do something.”

HUDSON: “How are you gonna help me out?”

NICK: “Um… I don’t know. I’ll give you some credits. I have some. I could pay you. Once I get this job done that’ll clear my debt and then I could do whatever. I’m a useful contact… I know how to juggle. What do you want?!”

HUDSON: “You know, I got friends in my life, I’m at a nice resort just enjoying myself, I don’t know if there’s much more I need especially now that my bill has been transferred.”

NICK: “Oh cool! You transferred your bill?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “How’d you do that? Show me how you did that.” He’s leaning around your shoulders trying to see what you were doing.

HUDSON: “I don’t think so, bucko.”

NICK: “Aw man. I just- Do you need like an apprentice or something? Because I need to learn some new skills.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Hudson’s looking at us like ‘do I adopt this child?’

HUDSON: [laughs] “Sorry, I have something big going on right now, and I just don’t have the time, but tell you what, don’t shoot me, I’m gonna peace out now—“

NICK: “Wait! No!”

LAURA: ‘And then I’m gonna create some online tutorials.’


NICK: “Wait. No. Can you just download the visitor logs or whatever onto this data spike before you log out? I’m just supposed to get the visitor logs for these guys, these real scary dudes. If you could just do that, that would be really helpful, and then we can part ways as new friends. I’m Isaac, Isaac **Vars. See? You know my name now.” He holds out his hand to shake.

HUDSON: I shake his hand. “Who are the scary guys you’re working for?”

NICK: “Got in bad with some Black Sun actually. I’m not even from here. They just kind of dropped me on planet, said I have to do this, and then they were gonna bring me back.” He’s like still shaking your hand while he’s talking. “But if you could, I don’t know, just help me with this piece… You won’t even see Black Sun. Black Sun, thing of the past. If you could just help me with that, that would be great.”

HUDSON: “So here’s what I’ll do. I’m feeling generous today. I’ll help you out.”

NICK: “Yes!”

HUDSON: I go in and I download the visitor logs. Before I download them I remove all of our names from them and then pass him the logs.

NICK: Ooh. ‘Hey, thanks man. You’re just- You’re a stand-up guy. You know, they say there’s no goodness in the galaxy, but I think there really is.”

HUDSON: “So, can I get a favor in the future? Can I hit you up for something?”

NICK: “Sure man! Yeah, whatever you need.”

HUDSON: “What’s your com number?”

NICK: He hands you a number, and then you guys turn to leave?

HUDSON: Yep, we part ways.

NICK: Cool. As he’s leaving he slips and bumps into you a little bit. Can I get a Perception check please? And flip me that dark side point.

HUDSON: Difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be two red and a purple.

HUDSON: Two successes and three threats.

NICK: Cool. The successes, as he bumps into you, you feel his hand kind of snake into your fanny pack and it pulls out your data breaker, and he is quietly tucking it into his shirt, and then he sees you make eye contact. “Cool thanks! Nice meting you!” And he trips you, and you fall prone. [dramatic bass noise] And then he takes off down the hallway running.

HUDSON: “HK, catch him!”

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Oh no! [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: That person’s gonna die.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 35 Smore Volleyball Please

PDF download: Episode 35 Smore Volleyball Please

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 35:
S’more Volleyball Please

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Starting us off, I want to thank our most recent iTunes reviewers. **TheMagicBrian, thank you so much for your review, we’re glad you’re enjoying it. **Somniantis, thank you for your very kind words, the whole crew appreciates the nice things you said. **AstronautCowboy, thank you as well for your review, we really appreciate it and are glad that you look forward to the show.

Once again, this episode features Nugget, our favorite volleyball-playing fish friend inspired by **SparkleFish, one of our Patreon backers. Thank you so much for this character and your support, **SparkleFish.

Music this week is Surf Shimmy by Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin MacLeod of licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 35! I’m your hosting game master, Nick. It’s great to have you here today on the sunny shores of Sesid where we shall not further the plot. Very exciting stuff. We’re gonna go around the table and have everybody introduce themselves and say what character they’re playing today. We’re gonna start with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play a Gigoran slicer named Tink, and I haven’t used my points for anything because I’m [musically] hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, what!

NICK: [laughs] Great.

LAURA: … What?!


NICK: It doesn’t matter. Moving on. Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I am indeed Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am still confused by what Hudson did.

NICK: We’re all confused by what Hudson does.

LAURA: I mean I’m generally a little confused and tired today, as usual, but now even more so.

NICK: Big. Mood. And up next we’ve got Cameron~

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan professional beach volleyball player…

NICK: Ohh.

CAMERON: …who does bounty hunting on the side.

NICK: Learning something new every day about our characters.

HUDSON: Should I explain exactly what I just did? I was—

LAURA: No. [laughter] It’s funnier if you don’t.

CAMERON: It’s better as a mystery. Y’all know what he did.

HUDSON: Yeah, y’all know.

LAURA: I still don’t.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So, it’s actually me saying hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’ like Limp Bizkit does from the song Rollin’ where he goes rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.

LAURA: Oh. It’s not funny anymore. You explained it. [laughter] You can’t explain it! This is all gonna get cut.

NICK: Maybe.

HUDSON: Maybe not.

LAURA: Who knows!

NICK: Maybe not. So, before we get into a recap of the episode let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.


LAURA: I tried, everyone. I tried.

CAMERON: Good job, Laura. We appreciate you.

NICK: Alright. Last time you were enrolled in a volleyball tournament. Tink had to recruit two more players, tried to bring on Web-Web who turns out is on Sesid for some reason, did not manage to convince them that playing volleyball while they are currently gut shot was a lot of fun or a good idea, but did manage to recruit two other people: John Placeholder and Nugget, the Neelabi vacation taker who just happened to be around. You had your first volleyball match and managed to win due to forfeit, just barely, and you were about to start your next match which was against some weird alternate dimension mirror team of yours, a team comprised of Tonk, IG-67, Korma, Xionna, Stix, and Joan. Yeah. So that’s where we’re going to start off.

The camera will pan up the sun. It’s probably about 10:00 at this point, maybe 11. The sun is getting kind of high in the sky. The referee is handing the ball off to the first side to start, and the two teams square off in a weird mirror image of each other. It looks like art and fan art. It’s just very close to the same thing. We’re gonna go ahead and roll to see how this game goes. Do you all change positions at all?

CAMERON: I think we actually… Everyone’s positioning seemed good last time, it’s just all the rolls were shitty.

NICK: Yeah. You were getting black dice due to one person’s position, but that’s fine.

HUDSON: So, I practice my trash talk by yelling at the ref. “Hey ref, get off your knees! You’re blowing the game!” Even though the game hasn’t started yet, like it’s just practice.

NICK: “Oh, thank you sir! What great heckling. I’m sure that won’t influence my opinions on your team’s performance.”

LAURA: “Tink, do not heckle the referees, please.”

CAMERON: The great thing is that Tonk yelled that at the exact same time.

HUDSON: [laughs]


HUDSON: Not the exact same time.

NICK: No… Tonk did yell something at the same time. I’m trying to think of something you would yell at a ref that’s not horrendously offensive.

LAURA: ‘I like your shorts…!’

HUDSON: ‘Clap, clap, BULLSHIT.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Tonk yelled, ‘Ref, you’re not wearing your glasses, because that call was dumb!’ at the same time.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Yup. The referee just smiles at both of you with that giant, slightly unsettling sharky grin. Yeah. Are you changing positions around or are you keeping them the same?

LAURA: Can Xianna do some sort of Perception check to figure out who didn’t do great in their position?

NICK: You don’t have to. You could just ask me.

LAURA: Oh, okay. What should we do? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] We would like to do a Perception check.

LAURA: ‘Dear game master…’

HUDSON: ‘Dear God.’

LAURA: I was about to say game leader, because I couldn’t remember what it was.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: ‘Dear Rule Sayer,’ [laughs]

LAURA: ‘Dearest Game Leader.’

CAMERON: ‘Dear Camp Counselor,’

LAURA: ‘Please tell us what we are doing wrong. We are so small, and so tired, and have no money.’ [laughs]

NICK: So, you think back to the way the last game went, and it all went pretty well, everyone played their positions well, but there was something about Nugget’s constant attempts at leadership that was extremely distracting. There were times where you were about to go for a hit and Nugget would go “Oh wow, great job, keep it up guys,” and it was just at the wrong time and things didn’t go quite as well as they could have. But yeah, you look back on it and Nugget, while trying hard and actually doing a decent job on the defensive side, as far as being a leader on the team was very distracting. That’s what was distracting you, Nugget just maybe not the best leadership skills. Fish means well, fish tries hard, fish is not a great leader. Now you’re stuck with where do we put Nugget.

LAURA: What did that particular position require as far as a roll?

CAMERON: Leadership.

LAURA: Leadership is Presence… I have no points in leadership, but a 3 in Presence.


HUDSON: I have no points in Leadership, but a 2 in Presence.

LAURA: So definitely not you.

HUDSON: Yeah, not me.

NICK: Looking at it from the game, if you were to move Nugget to a more tactical position, it would probably result in a black die going to whoever their partner was in the position, because if you want them to be, say, a setter they may get in the way of the other setter, whereas with the defensive specialist they bounced around enough and didn’t really impact one person too much.

CAMERON: Basically it’s all three of us can have black dice by getting distracted from Nugget yelling at us or Nugget’s partner can get a black die.

NICK: Two black dice.

CAMERON: Two black dice?

NICK: Yeah.


NICK: Not tremendously physically gifted, this one.

LAURA: Okay, but hear me out… What if I give Nugget some drugs? Just what, what happens?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And, we drop into in-character conversation.

LAURA: [laughing] We’re doing a huddle. “Okay, so Nugget, fosh is not good at this game. So short, very short.”

NICK: ‘Hey, I’m like right here, and that’s not super nice. I do have my stepstool. I think I compensated pretty well.”

LAURA: “I know, I know Nugget, but you—I don’t think they’d let you have the stepladder in the game.”

NICK: “Well, my new best friend Stix over there has fish’s hover pad.”

LAURA: “Do you have a hover pad?”

NICK: ‘No. I have the stepstool because the hover pads aren’t as reliable, like they have breakdowns, so I have this stepstool, but I could technically use it, it’s just gonna take a little while to set up and make sure it’s stable and inspect the footing every time because that’s how you have to be safe by galactic standards, but then you can—“

LAURA: “I don’t think that’s gonna work for how fast this game moves.”

CAMERON: “Especially not on sand.”

LAURA: “I’m only just understanding the rules and it does not seem like that would work. What if you take some impact or some glitterstim and maybe you could jump higher? That other Twi’lek said that the glitterstim could make you psychically move the ball. I don’t know if that is true or not.”

CAMERON: “That is false.”

NICK: “Well now I’m kind of conflicted, because I’ve never done drugs before, but I’m not against drugs. I don’t think this would be like a peer pressure thing, because you know I’m on vacation, I’m willing to try new experiences.”

LAURA: “Oh yeah, no pressure, just if you want them I have them.”

NICK: “Right.”

LAURA: “You also could… jump higher? Can you just do that? I don’t know. We can build you a little mound of sand in one area, and then you can stand on the mound of sand and be higher up.”

NICK: Nugget’s legs look kind of like chicken thighs if you turn them backwards. They’re very small and they have inverted knees and long ankles, and they’re not super flexible. They would probably be good for swimming but not great for jumping. Nugget just kind of gestures at fosh’s legs. “So, yeah, jumping’s kind of hard. That’s why I have the stepstool actually. But you know, I’ll play whatever position you want, I’m fine with that, and I could take some drugs. I’d take some drugs. Yeah. Let’s do some drugs. Let’s see how that goes.”

LAURA: “Do you want impact or glitterstim? I have both!”

NICK: “Which one did you take earlier?”

LAURA: “Impact.”

NICK: “I’ll take glitterstim.”

LAURA: “Okay cool!” [laughs] I give fosh some glitterstim.

NICK: Nugget just kind of takes it and shakes it like fish flakes into their breathing collar, like the little water tank around their gills, and it floats through and dissolves into the water. I forgot to mention that Nugget’s wearing goggles over their eyes with water in it so that they can see better and their eyes don’t dry out. You see their eyes widen real big under the goggles and they’re kind of jittery, and fish goes “WHOOOAAA…”

CAMERON: I’m gonna say while these drugs were happening Karma had gone over to talk to the ref and see if the hover board and the stepladder could be used in regulation play, so Karma does not see the drugs being handed out to the people who previously were not doing drugs.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna’s just kneeling down, like “Okay, don’t look at the sun.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “It’s going to seem very pretty, but you don’t want to look at it. It is too bright.”


LAURA: “Two! Make sure you drink lots of water. Okay? Lots of water.”

NICK: [slowed down] “I’m 90% water…”

LAURA: “Yes, that is why it is so important to drink water, so that you don’t get dehydrated and shrivel up into a little dried fishy.

NICK: “Drink water. Stare at the sun. Got it.”

LAURA: “Don’t stare at the sun! Don’t. It will hurt your eyes. You won’t notice though, because of the pretty colors.”

NICK: ‘Oh. Okay. I see how this could work. I’m sort of getting used to it. How come there’s seven balls floating around? I thought we just played with one. Maybe those are like Nautolan rules? This is pretty cool.”

LAURA: “We do. No, that is the drugs.”

NICK: “Oh…”

LAURA: “This might make it worse.”

NICK: “Yeah. This doesn’t seem like I’m gonna get better at volleyball this way, but let’s try it and see how it goes.”

LAURA: “We will just try it, and if you don’t like this you can just sit on the sidelines until that passes. Yes.”

NICK: “I feel like my voice is really changing registers sometimes…”

LAURA: “It is! It definitely is. Yes. It’s okay though.”

NICK: ‘Huh… Is that like a thing that happens to people when they take glitterstim? I’ve never—“

LAURA: “Yes, it is. Different drugs, many drugs do that.”

NICK: “Okay. Oh… Alright.”

LAURA: “Anyways. We have to play volleyball I think. Do we? Yes.”

NICK: “Alright. Where am I playing? Am I still doing the same thing?”

CAMERON: Karma comes back over. “Okay, so the ref said—“

NICK: “Karma~!

CAMERON: “Yes Nugget?”

NICK: “Hi~…”

CAMERON: “Hi sweetie.”

LAURA: “Nugget did some drugs.”

CAMERON: “… Oh great.”

NICK: “I did glitterstim and it’s been a lot of fun but at times seems to be sort of like this ever changing stream and it’s not linear anymore. Is that bad?”

CAMERON: “[exhales]”

LAURA: “It’s going to be fine. It is not linear so they are going to know where the ball is before the ball gets there. It will be great.”

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

NICK: “We simultaneously won, lost, and haven’t started yet.”

LAURA: “They asked for it.”

NICK: “I did ask for the drugs.”

LAURA: “Fosh asked for the glitterstim. No peer pressure. I don’t do that.”

CAMERON: “Okay…”

LAURA: “I think we are going to lose.”

CAMERON: “Nugget, the ref said that as long as you and your friend on the other team, Stix, both decide that y’all want to use your stool and repulser thing then y’all can use them, but y’all have to make the decision together so that it’s fair.”

NICK: “Okay! Let me go talk to the other guy real quick…”

CAMERON: [forced cheery] “Okay~”

NICK: Nugget wanders off to the net. You can see that Stix seems really jittery like they have taken something as well, and they both start talking and laughing, and it ends with them both sitting down, back to back, staring up at the net just waving their flippers in the air.

LAURA & CAMERON: [giggles]

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

LAURA: “Okay. I just offered if fosh wanted any, and fosh did. I wasn’t going to use the glitterstim anyways. Oh shit! I was going to trade it with the other Twi’lek for more impact!”

CAMERON: “It’s okay, I think—“

LAURA: “Shit!”

CAMERON: “I think Nugget’s friend took impact as well, so the other Twi’lek seems to be down a dose there too.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay. We can still do an even trade. Okay good.”

CAMERON: “I feel like this might be taking advantage of Nugget slightly, even if you’re not doing peer pressure, and I know you’re very respectful like that, but Nugget doesn’t appear to me to be a person who has a lot of experience with friends… given the stories that fosh was telling earlier, so I just feel like fosh might have taken the drugs to fit in.”

LAURA: “I did actually try to get them not to, just a little bit, maybe not as much as I should. Anyways, I think it will be fine. I told them not to stare at the sun.”

CAMERON: “Okay…”

NICK: The camera drops from Karma’s and Xianna’s faces down three feet and you see Nugget suddenly standing there. “Hey guys. What are we talking about?”

CAMERON: “We’re just about to start this game, Nugget.”

NICK: “Great. I’ve got a stepstool. I think it’s wearing off. Everything seems fine now except for that the sand is on fire… but it doesn’t feel hot so I’m sure it’s fine.”

LAURA: “It’s fine. Yes.”


LAURA: “Uh-huh!”

NICK: “Great. Let’s do this thing.”

LAURA: “Let’s play.”

NICK: “Am I still defensive specialist? I think that’s how this conversation got started.”

CAMERON: “yes, you are. You did a great job last time.”

LAURA: “Are you? Okay!”

NICK: “That’s good. I tried to really make sure that all of my encouragement and strategic advice was personalized for each person’s preferences. I’m really glad that you noticed. I tried really hard.”

CAMERON: “Really appreciated that. I felt very loved.”

NICK: Alright, let’s roll some dice.


LAURA: Also, I would just like to state that I have the rules for glitterstim written on my page and I didn’t look at them until after I gave Nugget the glitterstim.


NICK: What does glitterstim do?

LAURA: Adds three boost dice to any Perception and Vigilance checks.



NICK: Super useful.

LAURA: Very useful. So we still have the black die?

NICK: No, we’ll take the black die away.


NICK: Because Nugget’s a little more wrapped up in fish’s own problems at this point.

HUDSON: A success and three threats.

CAMERON: Karma just got four advantages.

LAURA: Xianna got three successes and one advantage.

CAMERON: What was Nugget’s roll? Nugget was three greens for Leadership?

NICK: Yup, with a blue die actually.

CAMERON: With a blue die… Oh, good job, Nugget. That was useful. Nugget got two successes. HK was… two successes.

NICK: Wow. John once again contributes nothing but stays out of the way, staying net zero. You’re actually extremely successful here. You ended up with two advantages and like seven successes. Yeah. You slaughter your alternate selves. It’s not even close. The little differences in the crew become extremely apparent as they are even less specialized in volleyball than you are. Xionna is extremely distracted by the hallucinogens that they’ve taken and is basically windmilling around not hitting the ball. She punches her friends a couple of times. Tonk is much more interested in the Star Wars Pokémon Go stop that is nearby [laughter] and keeps trying to catch space Caterpies instead of play the game. Korma is a much more helicopter mom, constantly critiquing people and being a little less supportive and a little more aggressive in her advice, which doesn’t go well. So you win three sets straight, knock them out, you go to shake hands, and you are off to the next round.

What we’re actually going to do is montage through a couple of these, because I said there were four rounds. We’ll skip the next one. It’s against another series of placeholder teams. They look like the Mandalorian models from Clone Wars. It’s two different guys, three each of the two different guys, and that’s a pretty neutral game. Before we get to that, you go to shake hands with the other team. Do you say anything to the various people?

LAURA: Xianna goes to shake hands and she has her three little vials of glitterstim in her hand and she only goes to shake hands with Xionna.

NICK: Xionna shakes your hand, feels the vials, and goes “Ohhhh… Right! Hey, here’s the impact you wanted!” and hands you three baggies of impact.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: [laughs] Xianna holds out her hands and takes them, just cupped holding bags of impact. “Okay, thank you! Hank! Hank, you have my bag. Where is my bag? I have drugs!” Heh.

NICK: “Commentary: I have left your bag over on the sidelines as it would impede my movement.” You can see it’s got sand kicked on it. People have obviously been talking around it and messing with it.

LAURA: “Hank! What if someone stole my drugs?!”

NICK: “Observation: That seems like a personal problem.” Hank goes over and goes to do a handshake with the IG-67 droid and their fingers kind of click and there’s a spark. Tink, you can almost sense the ones and zeroes passing between them, and they step away and HK says “Acknowledgement: You are a worthy foe.” And walks away. The IG-67 droid spins all those weird camera lenses on its head and just beeps for a second and walks off.

CAMERON: Karma walks up to her mirror image.

NICK: Korma.

CAMERON: Korma. [laughs] Korma sounds so country.

NICK: Yeah, you beat me to it.

CAMERON: Alright, so that’s Korma’s  accent. “Good game!” And shakes her hand.

NICK: “Aw, why thanks. Bless your heart. You know, my team just never really, uh, put it together. I’m gonna have to talk to them about working harder as a crew. I think they’re a little distractible.”

CAMERON: Karma’s eyes go real big as Korma starts talking. [laughing] She’s like no, no, no.

NICK: “Why, what’s the problem, hun?”

CAMERON: “Nothing! Good game. I’m very inspired by the way you led your team.”

NICK: “Well, you know, sometimes you can’t baby people anymore. You just gotta tell ‘em to suck it up and get good.”

CAMERON: “Yep. I’m sure that’s gon’ work out. Gosh darn it. I am sure that is going to work out great for you.”

LAURA: ‘I am person.’

CAMERON: Yup. I do not have an accent!

NICK: [musically] It’s contagious as hell~

CAMERON: Catching the accent was in character. That was Karma catching the accent.

NICK: “Well, it’s all fine. I’ll be seeing you around. You staying a couple more days?”

CAMERON: “I honestly have no idea, but I really like your headband.”

NICK: “Aw, well thanks. Goodbye.”

CAMERON: “Later.”

NICK: Nugget and Stix walk up to each other and you all overhear them talking. Nugget goes, ‘Hey, don’t you think it’s a little weird that like we’re kind of the same group. It’s like someone made some cruel joke and just did a pallet swap, and there’s two—Isn’t that kind of weird or is that just the glitterstim talking?”

Stix goes, “Oh no, it’s definitely the glitterstim. These are two very distinct groups. We’re all our own individuals. I’ll be seeing you around. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” They hug, but it’s like two penguins trying to hug, because they have their little flippers, and Nugget totters back to you.


NICK:  Tonk doesn’t even come to the net, he just sends a text to Tink’s com that’s like “Hey. Found your info. Will be in touch,” and like winks at you and walks away.

HUDSON: Tink replies, “mkay lol.”


CAMERON: Deadpan. Lol

NICK: Cool. We get back to the placeholder Mandalorian team that you’re able to beat and we are in the finals!

CAMERON: [hums trumpet victory tune]

HUDSON: [makes air horn noises]

LAURA: [one long air horn noise]

NICK: There is one person with an air horn doing that.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Someone else has a vuvuzela.

[several make long, deep horn noises]

NICK: Good harmonizing. So, the camera does like in a sports video game before you actually start playing, how it does all the scenic shots of the arena. It pans up on the crew of the Afternoon Delight & Co. who are stretching out. You have been pretty successful. I think at this point everyone’s a little bit cocky. Nugget looks a little dizzy and is sweating slightly, which is interesting because they’re an aquatic species, but it looks like they’re coming down off of their glitterstim a little bit. The camera pans around, it does a sweeping shot, you hear all this crowd noise [hiss of cheering]. There’s four people in the stands, because no one’s waiting for their games because this is the final and everyone else had snorkeling and stuff to do, they didn’t really feel like watching.

CAMERON: [chants] White Wookie, White Wookie, White Wookie!

LAURA: [joins the chant]

HUDSON: [laughs] All four of them.

NICK: One of the people in the stands is Web-Web who is calmly cleaning their nails with their vibro-kukri and looking very intimidating, but also supportive. I think Tink makes eye contact with Web-Web and Web-Web gives him a smile and a thumbs up. The camera pans over to the other team and it is a group of Fillithars. For those of you who are not familiar with Star Wars, that’s the species that Leia was friends with in one of the comics—


CAMERON: You’re so full of shit!


LAURA: Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a book! And it was one of the other junior council members. They were a snake.

HUDSON: [mockingly] For those of you who don’t know Star Wars…

LAURA: For those of you who don’t know, let me say everything incorrectly.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: [mockingly] I think Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a comic~

NICK: I haven’t read shit!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway. Fillithars, they’re a snake-like species with no arms or legs, so they’ve done surprisingly well to get here. They’re all wearing purple jerseys, but they’re kind of tied around their necks and just flopping, because they don’t have arms or legs so it’s hard to wear. They come in and they’re thumping their heads in the sand, and you get a [thump, thump, hiss (x3)]. Their team name is Galactic **Gym, and—

CAMERON: [sighs heavily]

NICK: [laughs] The referee invites you all to shake hands which is a little awkward.

CAMERON: [smiling] We all just give hugs.

HUDSON: Wait, do we have a coming out song?

NICK: You are all already out. It’s weird that they have one.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: [laughing] We do not make our own music.

HUDSON: No, we don’t need to make our own music. I was thinking—What’s a Star Wars race that’s like a dragon?

CAMERON: A krayt dragon?

HUDSON: Oh, they actually have dragons?

LAURA: Yeah, there are actual dragon things.

NICK: There’s a big old dragon.

HUDSON: So we walk out to Imagine Dragons then.

LAURA: Imagine Krayt Dragons.

HUDSON & CAMERON: Imagine Krayt Dragons.

NICK: Ugh. I don’t like that at all.

LAURA: Imagine Zillo Beast.

NICK: No other teams have done a synchronized entrance or anything. Most of them have just walked up like hey, let’s play some volleyball. This is a little weird that they have this choreographed entrance. From the way the ref’s smile is kind of frozen on his face he has seen this every round and it still weirds him out a little bit. [others chuckle] “Everybody, if you’ll shake hands at the net we can get started.” You get to the other team and they don’t have arms, and it’s a little awkward.

LAURA: “Excuse me, referee! What do we do if certain species do  not have arms and therefore hands?”

NICK: “You know, it doesn’t come up that often considering we’re playing volleyball, but—“

CAMERON: “However, you have had this team play in three other games, so you would think that you would have figured out this wording at this point.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Do we head bump? I’m going to head bump.”

NICK: [laughs] You go up and you head bump the biggest Fillithar, and he says “Sss… Thanks. That’s pretty cool. That is actually our cultural version of a handshake. That’s really neat that you know that. I appreciate that.”

LAURA: “Oh, I guessed, but thank you!”

HUDSON: I blew a kiss instead of shaking a hand.

NICK: One of the Fillithar blushes furiously and slithers to their position. Nugget carefully unfolds their stepstool and climbs to the top and tries to head bump, but they don’t really have a waist, they just have a torso that connects at the hip so by leaning forward like that on the stool they start to lose their balance, and the Fillithar they’re opposite of head bumps them and leans them back up onto the stool so they don’t fall off… and the game is set to begin.

CAMERON: I like this team. They’re good people.

NICK: “Sss… Have a good game.”

CAMERON: “You too!”

NICK: And we’re gonna roll for the CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND.

CAMERON: Karma got one success.

LAURA: Alright. Xianna got a triumph with a success and four additional successes.

NICK: Whoa. Okay.

CAMERON: HK just got a triumph.

HUDSON: I have three successes and a threat.

CAMERON: And Nugget got two successes and one threat.

NICK: We only got two threats on the roll, guys. Bummer. So, I think the threats are that it’s pretty much mid-day at this point and it’s really hot and you all take some strain damage. You take a couple of strain. You don’t really need to mark it down. I can’t think of a reason that would be important.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] Okay!

NICK: If you get into combat immediately after the tournament I will remember, but otherwise you’re good. You win, strongly. You ended up with two triumphs and like eight successes.

HUDSON: Do we break their nose by spiking a ball in their face?

NICK: You would, but their noses aren’t really breakable because it’s part of their skull, so like you bruise a nose.

CAMERON: We keep scoring extra points because when we spike it we’re hitting down in between their coils and it counts as a basket.


NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [laughs] That’s how volleyball works.

NICK: That’s how volleyball works. Well, it does when you play giant snake species.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: I’m gonna say that your triumphs go towards… It’s a really fun game, it’s close but you feel pretty confident about it. The other team is really well organized, they work well together, they’re very good at volleyball since because they are very long they can stretch out and get their heads under the ball very easily, but you’ve really bonded as a team. Both teams have a great time. You win towards the end, but everyone really feels like they’ve developed as people and come to know their teams better.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The sun begins to go down, we’re getting into the afternoon as you win. The referee blows the final whistle on their giant, oversized whistle. “Wow guys, the winners are… Rawr~. Thank you so much for playing with us today.”


LAURA: “What do we win?”

NICK: “You win this championship cup!” They hold up a coffee mug that says Thrinaka Resort Volleyball Champions, and it’s got sparkles baked into the clay so it’s very nice.


LAURA: “Wait. It is just a coffee mug? There’s no money?”

NICK: “It’s the championship cup!”

HUDSON: “It’s accolades.”

LAURA: “Fuck you!” Heh.

HUDSON: “Whoa…”

NICK: “This is an activity planned for your relaxation. That’s the real winner.”

LAURA: “Ugh. Tink… Tink, what the hell, man? Why would you do this to us?”

HUDSON: “I never said there were prizes beyond—“

LAURA: “I assumed you signed us up because there was like a cool grand prize of like money.”

CAMERON: Karma has walked over to her bag and has gotten water bottles out and is passing them out to everybody on the team.

NICK: And oranges?


LAURA: Orange slices?

CAMERON: Orange slices, and little bag apples.

HUDSON: And Capri Suns.

NICK: The referee has set the mug down in the sand near Tink and has started to back away, and when he gets to a safe distance he just turns and starts instructing people on tearing down the volleyball area.

LAURA: “I might hate you just a little bit.”

HUDSON: “Might eat me?”

LAURA: “hate you.”

HUDSON: “Ate me…?”

LAURA: “Haaate!”

HUDSON: “Oh, hate me.”

LAURA: “I really tried to put an H in there for you.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Hate me, okay, got it. So, you shouldn’t hate me. Hear me out. This brought us closer together as a team.”

LAURA: “Kay…”

NICK: I spent the triumphs to bring you closer together as a team.


CAMERON: The greatest prize was the friendship we developed along the way.

HUDSON: “Listen, I don’t know about you, but I’m about to invite John and Nugget to join our team permanently on the Afternoon Delight.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, okay, so about that…”

HUDSON: “Great, it’s done.”

LAURA: “I would accept Nugget—“

HUDSON: “Nugget! John!”

LAURA: “No, just Nugget.”

HUDSON: “Nugget!”

LAURA: “No John.”

HUDSON: “John and Nugget.”

LAURA: “No! Just Nugget.”

NICK: [laughing] They’re both like within ten feet of you.


HUDSON: “Attention, John and Nugget!”

NICK: “yeah, what’s up? I’m really happy about how this went. I feel like triumphantly that we really bonded together and I really appreciate these personal relationships.”

LAURA: “Yeah… John… Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee please? I’m just very tired.”

NICK: “You know, normally I would be suspicious of that kind of behavior, but now that we’re such good friends and we’re the champions of the volleyball tournament, of course I will, friend.” He goes to chuck you on the shoulder and then reconsiders and stops, and then just clicks his tongue and runs off into the lobby to go find coffee.

CAMERON: [laughing] All I can think of is ‘This is a triumph, I’m making a note here, huge success.’

HUDSON: [laughs] ‘It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: The moment John has turned away Xianna turns to everyone else. “No, we are not asking John to join the crew. So forgettable.”

CAMERON: “John has a very important accounting job to get back to.”

LAURA: “I don’t think he could.”

HUDSON: “We could use an accountant.”

LAURA: “I honestly forgot his name was even John. I forgot he was on our team at one point.”

NICK: You see Nugget’s head bob into the frame as fosh climbs fosh’s stepstool to get closer to head height with everyone. “You know, he was fine or whatever, but I don’t feel like he really contributed a lot. I feel like he was just kind of there because he didn’t have anywhere else to be. So what are we talking about?”

HUDSON: “Nugget, do you want to be on the Afternoon Delight as a permanent team member?”

NICK: “Wow… Um, this is a lot really fast actually.”

LAURA: “Our ship is a converted party yacht. It has a Jacuzzi, a hot tub, many of the beds are round and they rotate, and there are disco balls in the room. I know at least my room you can clap on for the disco ball and music starts playing. It is very fun.”

NICK: “Are you hitting on me?”

LAURA: “Only a little bit.”

NICK: “Okay, that’s cool.”

LAURA: “There is some sort of rat in the ship currently, but I think we are going to become friends with it and keep it as a pet.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

LAURA: “I’m going to name it Creamsicle. There is a weird sex room but we don’t actually know where it is. We only occasionally find it.”

CAMERON: “The ship is called the Mourning Despair, we just call ourselves the crew the Afternoon Delight, because it’s a funny joke.”

LAURA: ‘No, the ship is called the Afternoon Delight. We lied about it because we do illegal things.”

CAMERON: “Xianna—“ [laughs] Come on~

NICK: So, Nugget hops down off of fish stepstool and closes it and slings it over their back. ‘Hey guys, this has been really great and I feel like we’ve bonded. It’s not you, it’s me… but I’m just  not really ready for that kind of commitment. I appreciate it.”

LAURA: “No, I understand. We are a lot.”

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: “Yeah, and you know, people have told me that before and I never really had a reference for it, but I can really understand… Your droid is really talkative.”

CAMERON: Pfft—[laughs]

LAURA: “Yeah. Hank is an assassin droid, too.”

HUDSON: “Oh my god.”

NICK: “Objection: That makes no logical sense.”

LAURA: “I don’t know. I just felt like putting it in there. I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Ha. That’s what I felt like last night with Nugget’s mom.”

[pained laughter]

LAURA: “Don’t say that about Nugget’s mother!”

CAMERON: “Tink!”

HUDSON: “It was a joke!”

LAURA: “Tink!”

CAMERON: ‘Uncalled for!”

HUDSON: “We’re much closer together now! We can do these jokes! You know!”

LAURA: “Tink, you look at me. Your parents are alive still. I will go have sex with both of them.”

HUDSON: “… No you won’t.”

LAURA: “You test me! I will do it!”

NICK: As I start taking notes…

HUDSON: “I would love to test you before you have sex with my mother…”

CAMERON: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait.”


LAURA: “Wait. I am very confused and I don’t like where this is going, Tink. You made it weird. You!”

HUDSON: “No, not test you like that, test you for like StarTDs.”


LAURA: “That’s not what they are called, Tink, and you made it weird. You made it weird. … So anyways, bye Nugget. I understand we are, um, how you say, so much. Very extra.”

NICK: “Well, and you know, that’s okay. There was this one time that this other group of illegal bounty hunters and smugglers tried to invite me to their group, but really they just weren’t as hardcore as I was looking for. They didn’t even have a rocket launcher, so I’m gonna—“

LAURA: “Oh shit! Do we have a rocket launcher?!”

CAMERON: “Sure.”

NICK: “Reassurance: I’ve got you covered.”

LAURA: “Oh, I love you, Hank.”

NICK: “So like, that’ snot the point, this is kind of a different thing. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. This is actually my last day on planet, so…”


NICK: ‘It’s been really good, and I really appreciate all the times that we’ve had, but I’m gonna go now because I’m just kind of tired and I’m gonna go take a bath, but thank you for the invite and you all are really sweet, it’s just not my jam right now. I hope you understand.”

HUDSON: “Bye Nugget.”

CAMERON: “Bye Nugget~”

LAURA: “I understand. Bye nugget. Call us!” Call me!”

NICK: Nugget re-unfolds fish stepstool and climbs up and puts a flipper on Tink’s shoulder. “Tink, I can tell that I’ve hurt your feelings, and for that I do apologize, because you are the best of us and I really appreciate the energy that you bring to this group, and I need you to look after Xianna and karma because I feel like they’ve got a lot of learning to do and you can provide that knowledge for them.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Oh my gosh! You took the words right out of my brain! Thank you so much.”

NICK: “That’s probably the last of the glitterstim. Anyway, bye!”

CAMERON: [giggling] Karma’s just quietly eating her orange slices.

NICK: As Nugget walks by fish holds out their flippers for an orange slice.

CAMERON: I hand another. I give fish two orange slices.

NICK: If you remember, they have a mouth like Beaker from The Muppets so it just swings open like a trap door and Nugget tosses them into the hatch and closes with this weird slurping noise, and they toddle off down the beach.

CAMERON: “Guys, I feel kind of abandoned.”

LAURA: Xianna is on one of the lounge chairs, asleep, an orange slice on her face.

CAMERON: “Okay, more abandoned now.”

HUDSON: “I’m with you.”

CAMERON: “I know, but… I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Wait. You’re saying that you feel abandoned even with me here? Well fine!” And I walk away.

CAMERON: “Tink!” [laughs] Aw.

NICK: “Reassurance: I am within your proximity.”

CAMERON: “Thanks, HK.”

NICK: He just stares at you, dead-eyed. So, I think the group has moved over closer to the pool, so while that scene is happening, in the background you see John Placeholder show up with a tray of coffee and look around, and he can’t see where you all went, and he just shrugs and tosses the coffee into the sand and walks off.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Aw. Now we all feel bad. [laughs]

NICK: I think we get the shot of another montage of relaxation; Xianna’s sleeping on a lounge chair, Tink stomps off, I think he comes back very shortly after with a tiki drink.


NICK: Do you bring Karma a tiki drink as a peace offering?

HUDSON: Yes, I bring Karma a tiki drink.


HUDSON: Mine doesn’t have alcohol in it though.

NICK: Hmm, straight edge.

HUDSON: Yep. Keep the edge.

CAMERON: Shirley Temple.

HUDSON: Shirley Temple in a tiki glass.

NICK: It’s gotten to the point when you walk up to any of the places they just hand you a Shirley Temple in various different glasses so it feels like you’re drinking different stuff but it’s the same drink every time. They know what you’re drinking. We get a shot of everybody hanging by the pool, and I think it transitions to night time and you’re all sitting around that bonfire again making s’mores, and HK is doing his rotisserie impression. “Conjecture: If I do this for you all the time you’ll never learn how to make your own sweet snacks.”

LAURA: “Look hank, I have roasted many things over many fires. I know how to do this. I am just very tired, okay?”

HUDSON: “My hair always catches on fire. I don’t like doing it.”

LAURA: “yes, look at him, he is so hairy.”

CAMERON: “I’ve just roasted so many marshmallows because the twins would always catch them on fire, and frankly I’m just sick of roasting marshmallows, Hank. I love eating them though, so I’m very appreciative that you’re willing to help us out by roasting them, but I assure you my skills are there, I’m just burnt out on roasting them myself.”

NICK: “Theoretic Query: Would you not say that the real s’mores were the friends that we made along the way?”

CAMERON: [snorts] ‘No, I would not.” [laughs]

LAURA: “No. Tink, I am going to use you as a pillow because you are soft. Hank, when the s’mores are done just… just push one into my mouth, okay?”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

HUDSON: “Guys… I forgot to tell you—“



HUDSON: “While I was in the lobby there was this table…”

LAURA: ‘If you sign us up for any other things I will stab you.”

HUDSON: “Sign you up for a softball tour—I’m just kidding. I haven’t signed us up for anything.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “I will stab you.”

CAMERON: “I actually had a lot of fun with the volleyball tournament, Tink. I think that was a good idea.”

HUDSON: “Awesome. I do have good ideas. I’m glad people appreciate them every once in a while.”

LAURA: “I tolerated it.”

CAMERON: “I thought some of our new teammates were very good.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I think so too.”

LAURA: “Nugget was nice.”

CAMERON: “I liked Nugget.”

LAURA: “Did we have a sixth person…?”

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Um… Yeah?”

LAURA: “No, there were five, it was five people on a team.”

CAMERON: ‘No, volleyball has six, we had to have had another person.”

HUDSON: ‘I think it was Toulouse?”

CAMERON: “Or was it Juan?”

LAURA: “No, I think we just agreed to only have five people. That sounds right.”


HUDSON: “No, it was Toulouse.”

LAURA: “Who is Toulouse?”

HUDSON: “Our sixth person. I named them.”

LAURA: “What did they look like?”

CAMERON: “I thought you named Nugget Toulouse.”

LAURA: “Yeah!”

HUDSON: “No, Nugget was—Oh wait. Did I name Nugget Toulouse? Yeah, you’re right. No, we didn’t have a sixth person.”

LAURA: “Yeah, it was only five people. I told you that.”


HUDSON: Around the corner in a tree you can see John looking and just leering at us with tears running down his face saying ‘revenge.’

CAMERON: Oh no. [laughs]

LAURA: No! [laughs]

NICK: No-ho-ho~ [laughs]

LAURA: I feel bad that we’re terrible people.

NICK: We get a shot of John and he’s sitting over with a group of Humans and they’re all kind of chatting and laughing and he’s nearby. You can tell he’s talking to someone. It must be something boring because they don’t look super interested, but he seems to be happy and having fun. He has not been abandoned. He is also having a good vacation.

CAMERON: That’s good. I’m glad we didn’t make an accountant enemy.

NICK: Yeah, you know, all of the accounting you do, you could have been in real big trouble.

CAMERON: [emphatically] I know, right?

HUDSON: More the lack of accounting we do. We didn’t ‘account’ for that, did we?

LAURA: I mean, I don’t think it would matter for anybody except maybe karma. She seems like she might be the kind of person who actually does her taxes, and like on time and early.

CAMERON: Yeah… she probably does.

HUDSON: “Alright! So we had five people on the team. That’s settled.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. What do y’all want to do tomorrow?”

HUDSON: “Well, I didn’t sign us up for that softball tournament because I thought you all wouldn’t want to do it.”

LAURA: “I don’t.”

CAMERON: ‘You do need more people, more than five people for softball.”


CAMERON: “And Nugget said today was fosh’s last day.”

LAURA: “Is there a buffet? We could go to the buffet tomorrow.”

HUDSON: “There are 24 hour ice cream cones I’ve been meaning for us to go to.”

CAMERON: “[gasps]”

LAURA: “I don’t want ice cream. We’re getting, uh, whatever these—“


LAURA: “—marshmallow things are. You can get ice cream if you want, Tink. Do not yell at me.”

HUDSON: “We were a cohesive team after that volleyball game!”

LAURA: “Tink… Stop it.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Tink, we’ll all walk and go get ice cream, but Xianna doesn’t have to eat ice cream if she doesn’t want to.”

HUDSON: “Fine.”

NICK: HK at this point, from the corner of Xianna’s mouth, shoves a marshmallow into her mouth while you’re talking.


LAURA: [pretending mouth is full] “Thank you, Hank.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.” He goes to gently shove a marshmallow into Karma’s mouth.

CAMERON: Karma just takes it off of the roasting stick and puts it onto the graham cracker and chocolate and actually makes a s’more and eats it. [laughs]

NICK: His shoulders droop a little, and then…

CAMERON: “Thank you, HK.”

NICK: …he goes to shove the other two from his other hand into Tink’s mouth.

HUDSON: I take both my hands, grab it, and eat it like a squirrel eats a nut.


LAURA: Oh, we’re garbage.

NICK: So, you’re hanging out around the bonfire. You’re talking. We get a swipe cut to the four of you sitting in the comfy chairs in the lobby and Tink has a big ice cream cone. You’re all just hanging out.

LAURA: “We should all get matching tattoos.”

CAMERON: “Of what?”

LAURA: “Me.”

NICK: [laughs]


LAURA: “I don’t know. I am very tired. Uh, you two could both get The Afternoon Delight tattooed on you. I already did it.”

CAMERON: “Would we need to get the… Jacqueline crossed out?”

LAURA: “You don’t need to. I mean, if you want to put the name of one of your exes on it with a line through it you could do that, we could all be matching, but you know more coordinating than matching.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. I’d really rather not.”

LAURA: “Then don’t.”

HUDSON: I look very introspective and I’m not really commenting on this or thinking about this, and suddenly I just go, “karma…”

CAMERON: “yes sweetie?”

HUDSON: “Do you think we’re in a simulation?”

CAMERON: [laughs] “What?”

LAURA: “Ugh. Tink, it is way too late for this.”

NICK: It’s like 9:30 at night.


LAURA: “I have been up… [whines]. I don’t know when Hank woke me up. It was the earliest I have ever woken up.”

NICK: “Clarification: I woke you up at 7 AM local time.”

LAURA: “That’s when I go to bed quite often. I had never seen the sun rise from like from like when I woke up and saw it. I’ve seen it rise, but in a that was how late I stayed up.”

NICK: “Sympathetic Statement: Big mood.”


LAURA: “You get me, Hank. You get me.”

CAMERON: “Tink, why are you asking if we’re in a simulation?”

HUDSON: ‘It just makes too much sense, but it’s scary.”

CAMERON: “Okay. I’m gonna need you to explain how it makes sense.”

NICK: Explain the brain in a jar theorem, Tink!

CAMERON: “Was it the mirror team that we played today? Because that was kind of weird.”

LAURA: “I thought they were wonderful.”

HUDSON: “I thought they were cool. What do you mean mirror team?”

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Never mind!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “What was it that brought this on? I have no idea.”

LAURA: “It was the weird Humans. They’re so bland, right?”

CAMERON: “All the Mandalorians?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Was it flashbacks from when you grew up on Mandalore?”

HUDSON: “No. I was watching conspiracy theory videos on the internet—“

CAMERON: “[groans] No, Tink…”

HUDSON: “—and then I found this one that made more sense than the others.”

CAMERON: “Don’t watch those, Tink.”

LAURA: “Tink, don’t watch those. Do you want to go get pizza?”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “You can get your weird extra cheese pizza or whatever. I’m going to get some sort of spicy pizza. It will be very tasty.”

HUDSON: “No, it’s half pepperoni, half cheese, with extra cheese.”


LAURA: “Hank, do you want a **none pizza left beef**? That feels like something you would order if—Wait, you can’t eat pizza. I’m sorry. I’m very tired and I am coming down off of a lot of impact.”

NICK: “Musing: I would like to order a **none pizza left beef** to see the terror in the pizza person’s eyes.”

LAURA: “I’ll do that. It will be amusing.”

NICK: So, I guess the whole crew goes upstairs to the fourth floor of the hotel and they go behind the nice restaurant and there’s a pizza restaurant with no sign.

CAMERON: Secret pizza.

LAURA: Secret pizza~

NICK: Secret pizza, that Tink found out about while space Googling this hotel. We get the Avengers style shot of everyone sitting quietly and eating their pizza and just kind of staring into space.

CAMERON: There are like seven or eight pizzas on this table. We ordered way too many pizzas.

LAURA: Well everyone got their own pizza, so there’s a half pepperoni, half cheese.

CAMERON: With extra cheese.

LAURA: With extra cheese. Some sort of spicy pizza for Xianna. I’m assuming some sort of seafood pizza for Karma.

CAMERON: Probably, yeah.

LAURA: Hank has his **none pizza left beef.**

NICK: Well, when they serve the **none pizza left beef** Hank says, “Acknowledged,” takes it off of the counter and throws it away as the people behind the counter just look at him with fear in their eyes at what kind of sociopath would order that.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: There’s also a dessert pizza, one of those apple ones that Cici’s has.

CAMERON: Mmm~ I could just go to Cici’s and just eat that. It’s so good.

NICK: Cici’s, the famous space pizza buffet.

CAMERON: yes. I used to take the twins there all the time.

LAURA: Oh, does Cici’s have an apostrophe in it already?


LAURA: Then yeah, it’s canon, it has apostrophes.

NICK: It’s short for [slurs] **Ciciciaramos.

CAMERON: Pizza buffet, all you can eat for 5.55.

NICK: Credits.

CAMERON: Credits, yeah.

NICK: It’s like 7.99 now.

CAMERON: I know! It’s so expensive!

LAURA: It’s cheaper in Star Wars!

CAMERON: Back when I took the twins it was cheaper.

LAURA: Because of Star Wars rules…

CAMERON: “I used to take the twins when I was first starting out bounty hunting because kids ate free on Wednesdays, and Juke ate a lot.”

LAURA: “We never had a Cici’s. Tink, did you grow up with Cici’s? Oh, you grew up in the Empire, a real Empire planet.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “You had a Cici’s.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah, we had a Cici’s. I especially like the dessert pizzas personally. It was pretty good stuff. There was this one, it was like an apple cinnamon crisp.”

LAURA: “We ordered that one!”

CAMERON: “Yeah! We just talked about that one. Do you want one? This one tastes very much like it.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, sure.”

LAURA: “There is also some sort of pizza I saw that looks like it has a pasta and a sauce on top of it. I want that one as well.”

HUDSON: “I’m pretty sure that’s just pasta.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s on pizza.”

LAURA: “No! It’s on a pizza!”


LAURA: “It looks like some sort of a cheesy, sauce, pasta thing that is on top of a pizza.”

CAMERON: “You can tell someone was thinking about how great pasta was and how great pizza was and then like, whoa, what if you combined them.”

HUDSON: “Xianna, you look asleep. You look like you’re asleep and talking.”

LAURA: “Yep, I probably am.”

HUDSON: Da-na!


NICK: That’s the thing, I need, uh… Actually, yeah, let’s do that. End of episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: Bad ending.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

PDF download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 34:
Paradise Lost and Found

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode, a huge thanks goes out to TooManyAnts for their five-star iTunes review. Thank you for telling the internet about our show. You’re great. Also, I want to call out that this episode features our first Patreon submitted NPC. The suggestion for the character Nugget is brought to you by Sp4rkleFish. Thank you for your support and for becoming a part of our little corner of Star Wars.

Music this week is Somewhere Sunny, Version 2 by Kevin MacLeod and Shiny Tech by Kevin MacLeod of licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 34! I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Uh… Hi. I have no ideas. … Moving on! Go around the table, everybody introduce themselves, say what character they are playing today, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we played – all 10 of them – then let me know what you spent them on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am hoarding my experience.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s a measly pile of 10 at the moment.

NICK: Yup. Turns out when you’re not blowing up super star destroyers the experience train comes in just a little bit slower. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! It’s great to be here, Nick!

NICK: It’s great to have you, Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’m also hoarding my points, and if you act now you can get Jar Jar Binks as your personal butler for 50% off.

NICK: What?!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Is that an experience talent tree?

HUDSON: Yeah actually.

CAMERON: Your tree doesn’t–? Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. None of your NPCs have the Jar Jar Binks butler talent?

NICK: Personal butler? Yeah, you know, the Edge of the Empire developers just really went in on the Episode 1 characters. They just really tried to force that there.

HUDSON: He’ll be your familiar, like—Oh, sorry, mesa be your familiar.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Oh, no…

LAURA: No… No.

NICK: I forgot about… that, just that character in general. Thanks. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am also saving my experience points. I’m gonna use mine to purchase Cad Bane as a familiar.

HUDSON: Ohh… Good choice.

NICK: Wear him on your head so you can have dark vision?

LAURA: Yeah. He’ll just stay on my shoulders and then he’ll kind of act as my hat and he’ll have his cool hat. It won’t work at all, but we’ll do our best.

NICK: Double hat. Sounds good. Anyway, before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Cool. Last time you had landed on the planet of Sesid at the island resort city of Thrinaka. You’ve been sent there to look for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. The crew of the ship had been contracted to smuggle you into a warzone and find the final member of Beta Squad, however you’re not sure when they’ll be on Sesid, so you’ve decided to take advantage of the situation and relax on the island while you wait. You spent a lovely day at the pool and the beach, you made some friends, and then as you waited around a bonfire eating s’mores Tink revealed that he had signed you up for a volleyball tournament scheduled for the next day. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Our ship is now called the Mourning Despair, mourning spelt like ‘you are in mourning.’

LAURA: Oh. I just had it written as regular morning.

HUDSON: No. We decided it was M-O-U.

NICK: More punny.

CAMERON: Yeah. Hudson and I discussed it was better with the U. That was the one important fact you missed.

NICK: It’s very important. It will come up a lot.

LAURA: There’s an orange loth-rat on the ship.

CAMERON: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I was trying to think of good names to call it.

NICK: Scabbers.

LAURA: Creamsicle.

NICK: That’s pretty good. So, the packets for your team for the volleyball tournament are handed out around sunrise. Matches will start about an hour after that. Who goes to pick up the packet?

CAMERON: We send Tink.

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna.


NICK: Okay. Great. We’ll come back to that in just a second. Does anyone go to check out the landing board at the space port before your day gets started?

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna. (laughs)

CAMERON: I’ll say Karma does.

NICK: Okay. I think we get a shot of Karma standing as the sun rises at the space port. It’s a parking lot with ships scattered around, but it’s early morning. You’re probably there mid-week. It’s not completely full. There’s sand blowing across. It’s got that light ocean breeze. We get a really cool shot of the sun rising behind Karma as she looks at the board.

CAMERON: I’m drinking a tiki drink.

NICK: Drinking a tiki drink. Do you have big sunglasses on?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I’m wearing the ginormous hat and giant sunglasses from yesterday.

NICK: So you’re fully vacationing out here.


NICK: You scan through the board and you do not see the Tallahassee Quagmire having arrived since you arrived.

CAMERON: I nod briskly and go and exchange my tiki drink for a new one at the bar that’s right next to the landing field. (laughs)

NICK: The night shift bartender is finishing up so they look pretty tired, but they bring you another one, and they say thank you for your business, and they smile at you. Cool. So… (rubs hands together) Tink, you head down to the lobby to register. You signed up, but the actual registration of the team and everything is handled day-of in case people leave or sleep in or are hungover. It helps them organize it. It’s early, and while you’re excited for the tournament that early morning jitter that you get makes your stomach kind of hurt and you can’t help but wonder why this sounded like a fun activity the night before. As you head down to the lobby it’s all marble floors and light coloring, and you see a Draedan – which is the swamp creature looking aliens that are native to this planet – manning a table in the lobby. It’s got the hotel thing where it looks nice but you can tell it’s not a very nice table cloth thrown over it, and they’re wearing the full hotel livery and sunglasses even though they’re inside. They greet you with a too-wide smile as you walk up. “Oh, are you confirming registration?”

HUDSON: “I sure am.”

NICK: “Great! If you could just put the names of your six team members down we’ll be able to get the brackets in time for the first match.”

HUDSON: “Uh… Six team members?”

NICK: “Well yeah, it’s volleyball, it’s teams of six.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Okay!” (laughter) I grab the sheet and I go over to a table to sign up our six team members.

NICK: Great. Yeah, so you sit down at a bench next to a potted plant – it’s one of those really big ferns that you see in hotels all the time – and there’s the six slots for the team members’ names and the team name, which I guess you’ll get to put down, and your room number, which is going to be pretty easy. As you’re sitting there filling it out you put your own name down, or whatever alias you have. Do you just put Tink or do you put a fake name?

HUDSON: I put…

CAMERON: When we checked into the hotel you did check in under Tink.

HUDSON: Oh. I put down Tink.

NICK: Okay. You put down the various names of you and Xianna and Karma. Is HK playing volleyball with you all?


NICK: You see that there’s two slots. Below the names to sign up it does say ‘must have complete team to enter.’ As you’re looking at that and scratching your head you look up and you see that you’re actually right next to the hotel restaurant that’s currently serving breakfast. You see that a lot of beings are there and they’re dressed for an active day. You can see a couple of other people running around, holding registration sheets, walking through breakfast, and it looks like they’re trying to recruit people to join their teams. If you want to pick up two more team members, probably that breakfast room is going to be your best bet.

HUDSON: Okay. I go to the breakfast room and I go around schmoozing trying to figure out who the team members should be.

NICK: Cool. You have a couple of options as far as team members. I’m gonna give you three, and then if you think up another type of archetype that you would like here you can throw one in. There’s a Kaminoan eating alone. They’re wearing a tanktop and board shorts. The Kaminoans are the really long necked aliens that made the clones on that rainy storm planet. They have like a bobble head. It’s a female Kaminoan, and she has a streak of zinc across her nose. She looks very beach prepared. She’s extremely tall. You also see a very brawny Human with blonde hair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and black shorts, and he has a blonde pompadour combed back and is extremely tan. He looks like he may work for the hotel but it’s his day off. Then, you also see a Herglic which are the big whale people. This one has an orca pattern so it’s black and white spotted. It looks like a street shark from that old cartoon. The Herglic is eating just a ginormous plate of synthetic eggs. That’s the three people that stand out first. Do you see anyone else that draws your attention?

HUDSON: Yes. I see Web-Web.

NICK: Oh god… (laughter) That’s a curveball.

HUDSON: You could allow it or disallow it. It’s up to you.

NICK: I’ll have Web-Web show up. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know why Web-Web’s there… We’ll figure it out.

CAMERON: Web-Web needed a break. Web-Web had a rough time.

NICK: It’s gonna take you a light side point for Web-Web to be there, though.

HUDSON: Let’s do it! (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re looking around, and towards the back you see Web-Web who is a blue Gungan with red eyes. Web-Web is wearing vacation gear. They seem very stiff, and you can see peeking out from under their… we’ll say they’re wearing a tankini, you can see heavy bandages across their torso and one that runs up their neck, because you’ll remember they got the shit shot out of them like three days ago. Oh no, wait, it’s been longer than that. It’s been at least a week, right?

LAURA: I mean, usually if you get the shit shot out of you that’s like septic, you know, it gets infected and—

NICK: Boo~!

LAURA: Oaahhh.


NICK: Why did you make whale noises?!

LAURA: I don’t know! I’m so tired. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, so Web-Web is there. I think it’s been…

CAMERON: After we rescued Tink we sold our stuff…

NICK: You spent a day on the planet.

CAMERON: …a day on the planet selling our stuff and wrapping things up, then Xianna getting laid, and then a day travel, and then hung out with Val…

NICK: The whole Val thing took two or three days.

CAMERON: So it’s maybe been like five days.

NICK: We’ll say five days. You probably saw Web-Web about five days ago, and they got shot up pretty bad. They look pretty stiff, but they’re sitting there, they’re eating a nice breakfast with beans and sausage – it’s an English breakfast, why not – and you are able to approach Web-Web with little difficulty.

HUDSON: “Hey, Noob-Noob!”

NICK: “Um… It’s Web-Web, actually.”

HUDSON: “Oh, sorry.”

NICK: “Why… What are you doing here?”

HUDSON: “Oh. I’m on vacation.”

NICK: “Right, kind of like you were on ‘vacation’ on Engebo 5?”

HUDSON: “Nooo, that wasn’t vacation, that was work. Vacation isn’t work.”

NICK: “Well, I’m also on vacation right now, seeing as I’m still recovering from some pretty traumatic injuries. Do you know how much of you will get burned if you climb out of a Mon Cal cruiser through its reactor core? A lot.”

HUDSON: “You didn’t let me answer, but I’ll take your word for it.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “it’s a lot? Alright.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “Well, I have quite the opportunity for you.”

NICK: “Oh boy.”

HUDSON: “I have a beach volleyball team, and I have specially selected you, Wub-Web…”

NICK: “Close.”

HUDSON: “…to join my volleyball team.”

NICK: Roll me a Charm check?

HUDSON: Oh no…


NICK: How charming is Tink?

HUDSON: Two green.

NICK: hey, okay. This is gonna be a hard check, so that’s three purples, because Web-Web is not particularly predisposed to like you. You could flip a light side point if you wanted to upgrade one of those.

HUDSON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Web-Web rolls their eyes at you. Sorry, I’m still processing through all the implications of having this murderous assassin person on the vacation planet with you. Web-Web rolls their eyes and says, “You know, as fun as that sounds, they had to put a lot of my insides back inside after that last time we got together. I’m just really not feeling up to it. The good news is since you didn’t get any threats I’m not gonna start my own team and kick your ass, so that’s a benefit, but I’m gonna have to pass.” So, your options now are you can try and bribe them into joining or you can go try to find some other teammates.

HUDSON: I don’t need them on that badly. I’m gonna not bribe. “Well, good travels to you. Enjoy your vacation… um, (labored) Web-Web.”

NICK: “Hey… That’s pretty good. I don’t know how much head trauma you sustained, but since you seem to mostly do your work with your Intelligence I hope that smarts of yours comes back.”

HUDSON: “Uh, you know, maybe it never left. We’ll see.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Tell you what, even if that whole situation did go kinda topsy-turvy there at the end, I’ll come cheer your team on. What’s your team name?”

HUDSON: “Our team name is XD_SpikeIt_XD, you know, to make it that next level of hardcore.”

NICK: “You pronounced an exclamation mark. Is there an exclamation mark in there?”

HUDSON: “No. When you put the XD’s around it you gotta put a little bit of emphasis.”

NICK: “Oh, okay. Great. Well, that’s an original name to be sure. I’ll definitely come out if you make it past the first round. I’m gonna finish my breakfast and probably drink some mimosas, but I’ll swing by.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “Thank you so much, Web-Web.”

NICK: “Oh, you’re welcome.” You look around and you see that most of the people at breakfast who would probably be interested in this activity have been snapped up and are standing in groups around. You do see some very set piece bland Humans that you could invite, but that’s kind of your options right now.

HUDSON: So none of the people you listed earlier are available??

NICK: No. They’re all on other teams.

HUDSON: (laughs) Great.

NICK: Some of them are putting captain stars on their tanktops and Hawaiian shirts, so their teams may have gotten stronger having recruited them.

HUDSON: “Who wants the chance to make a name for themselves on my volleyball team?!”

NICK: A guy with clear blonde hair and kind of grayish skin, who kind of looks like a CG model that they didn’t add any details to, walks up and says, “Oh hey, uh, my massage isn’t until 3 PM and I don’t have anything going on. I can join your team.”

HUDSON: “Alright! What’s your skillset?”

NICK: “Um… I’m pretty average at things. I’m an accountant, but sometimes I run for exercise in my spare time.”

HUDSON: “Good enough!”

NICK: “Great. Do you wanna know my name?”


NICK: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “You’re good. You’re gonna be… I gotta get two more teammates, so I need One and Two, so you’re gonna be Juan.”

NICK: ‘Uh, I’m Juan?”

HUDSON: ‘Yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s John, so you could just call me John.”

HUDSON: “I like Juan better.”

NICK: “That’s kind of messed up, dude.”

HUDSON: “Okay. You’re John. Sure.”

NICK: “Okay thanks. It’s cool that you’re calling me by my own name.” You’re having that conversation, and you look around, and the breakfast room has completely emptied out. They’re all gone. Breakfast has closed. It’s just you two standing there, and you realize you’re a person down. You don’t have enough people for the team.

HUDSON: Is there any race in Star Wars that’s invisible?


NICK: Tink asks out loud.

LAURA: Sometimes the Night Sisters, but only sometimes, they have to like do a ritual thing.

NICK: As you’re panicking and you’re looking around you feel a limp slap on the small of your back. You turn around and you don’t see anyone, and you look down and see a very peculiar species. It’s kind of fish looking, and… I’m gonna try my best to describe this. It’s kind of fish looking. It’s got a rounded head. It’s probably only about 1 meter tall. It’s extremely short. It has a water collar around its gills with a translator built in. you can see that. It’s wearing a fanny pack. It’s a pale scaled kind of color and has a red tummy, and it has a mouth that opens and closes like Beaker when it talks, but you can’t hear that part because it’s not underwater, so all the words come out of the translator. Oh, and it has flippers instead of arms, and… it’s wearing Crocs. (laughs) “I’ve always wanted to play volleyball.”

HUDSON: “I like your translator. Is that a TX1000?”

NICK: “It’s actually the 1020. You have to get the waterproof feature because of the gills.”

HUDSON: “Oh, that makes sense. Say no more, you’re on the team.”

NICK: “Great. Um… That went better than I—“

HUDSON: “I said say no more!”

NICK: “Okay. That’s fine… Uh, cool.”

HUDSON: “Your name is Talouse.”

NICK: “No, my name’s Nugget actually. That’s fine. I’m excited to play volleyball.” It goes to shake your hand and ends up poking you in the knee with its flipper. They seem very uncoordinated. They look like this.

HUDSON: Oh geez.

LAURA: But less shark, more piranha.

NICK: Less shark, more piranha.

CAMERON: (chuckles nervously)

LAURA: Oh, Nugget…

NICK: They turn to go to the lobby and you see that they have a stepladder about the size of them strapped to their back. You appear to have created your team. So, you write Nugget down on the sheet and you’re good to turn it in. Yeah, so you  have the blandest person that could possibly exist and a… small fish person.

LAURA: Captain Placeholder.

NICK: “How’d you know my last name was Placeholder?”

HUDSON: “Oh, THE John Placeholder?” Nope, I’m not going into that.

NICK: “Actually, my last name is dotSample.” Heh.

HUDSON: Oh, I need to turn in my sheet, don’t I?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: So, I walk over and I proudly hand the sheet over, but then I grab it real quick. “I’m having second thoughts about the name. Just a second.” I bring it over and I cross out SpikeIt and change it to Rawr.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: And then I turn it in.

NICK: “Oh! Thank you for entering. You’re actually the last team. We were about to cut off registration. Is this XD_Rawr_XD?” (pronouncing as if it’s all one word)

HUDSON: “You have to just say Rawr with an inflection. The XD’s are implied but silent.”

NICK: “Oh, so the team name is (silly) Rawr~!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yes!” (laughs)

NICK: I didn’t like doing that.


LAURA: It was great to hear.

CAMERON: Yeah. You have to do that forever now.

NICK: I know, but I’m not happy about it.

CAMERON: And you know what? We’re never leaving this planet. This volleyball tournament is gonna go on forever.

NICK: You’re gonna level up and then join the master bracket.

LAURA: This is where we live now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. So, you are registered. You’re actually the second team to go. They have a couple of volleyball courts in the beach right across the little boardwalk from the hotel, you can see it from the front door. How do you all meet up?

CAMERON: I probably run into Tink in the lobby right after he’s turned in the form, because I’m hiking back from the parking lot.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”


HUDSON: “Wanna meet the rest of your teammates?”

CAMERON: “Sure? Is it more than just the four of us?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, there has to be a team of six.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Great.”

NICK: “Hi. I’m John Placeholder. Nice to meet you.”

HUDSON: No, you were something else.

LAURA: No, Placeholder works. It’s a noun-verb, place and a holder.

NICK: Yeah, noun-holder.

CAMERON: Yup, John Placeholder. Okay~

LAURA: That’s a Star Wars name!

NICK: “My name’s John Placeholder. I’m an accountant with Kuat Shipyards. Hi… Uh, this is my first vacation in several years and I’m excited to make new friends.”

CAMERON: “Nice to meet you, John!”

HUDSON: “A little longwinded. Let’s go to Nugget.”

NICK: “Uh, hi, I’m Nugget. Sometimes I’m too talkative, kinda like John here, heheh, but you’ll tell me I’m sure if that’s the case. I’m very excited to play basket—err, volleyball, err, sports. I am exactly 1 meter tall. That’s a fun fact about me. I’m assuming we’re doing ice breakers. My pronouns are fish and fosh in case you need to do that, but my name’s Nugget, it’s pretty easy to refer to, and uh… I’m talking a lot. Anyway. This hairy guy said I can be on your team, and I’m excited to be here, kinda like John but more like, woo!”

CAMERON: “Well, we’re very excited to have you, Nugget, and I very much appreciate you providing your pronouns.”

NICK: “Oh, I’m just, uh, he/him. I’m… I don’t know, how bland can I go? I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: That’s a good fun fact.”

NICK: “That’s my fun fact, icebreaker.”

LAURA: (giggles)


NICK: That’s what it took to break Laura.

LAURA: I just love the idea of somebody being like, ‘Hi, my name’s John… I like triscuits.’


NICK: I’m gonna use that at the next corporate meeting.

LAURA: As if people don’t like triscuits.

CAMERON: My fun fact, one thing that no one knows about me is that I like triscuits.

NICK: I think at this point we get Xianna stumbling into the lobby with HK kind of supporting her a little bit.

LAURA: Oh, definitely too-big sunglasses and two cups of coffee as well. Yes. Seems about right.

NICK: HK drags Xianna over to the group. We get Xianna trying to bring the coffee cup to her lips but HK has her by the elbow so she’s being led towards the coffee cup trying to drink the sustaining bean water.

LAURA: Yeah, and she’s so tired she doesn’t realize that she has another cup in the other hand and just keeps trying to get that particular cup of caf.

NICK: “Greeting: Good morning. I have brought Xianna to the scheduled teambuilding activity.”

LAURA: (groggy) “What are we doing?”

CAMERON: “We’re playing volleyball~”

LAURA: “Shit. Why?” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yay~ HK, thank you.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, this is John. He likes triscuits.”

NICK: “Hi, I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: “And this is Nugget. Fish is exactly 1 meter tall.”

NICK: “Hi, I’m Nugget, and I’m really excited to play volleyball with you, and I really like your lekku tattoos. I was thinking about getting a tattoo on this vacation because I thought that it would be a really cool way to commemorate making new friends, but then I wasn’t going to because I was worried I wasn’t going to make new friends, but now I’m going to make new friends because we’re gonna win this volleyball tournament (suddenly aggressive) even if it kills us, (return to pleasant) and it’s gonna be so great, and I’m just really excited to meet you all… and another fun fact is I have this stepladder because sometimes I need to reach things that are tall, and the way my legs are shaped – which are kind of like chicken legs – I can’t jump really well, so this stepstool helps me overcome that inconvenience.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

LAURA: Xianna’s just kind of nodding along with that. “Oh thank you. I have other tattoos as well.” She turns around to the side, and still trying to hold the cup, pulls a little bit of the weird, strappy swimsuit down and there’s a tattoo in cursive Aurebesh that says Jacqueline, and then there’s a little line through it and underneath it says The Afternoon Delight. (laughter) Somebody, somewhere out there will get that reference.

NICK: I don’t get that reference.

LAURA: It’s not The Deep Search. It’s the Afternoon Delight. It’s a Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou joke. Heh.

CAMERON: (staggered exhale)

NICK: I haven’t seen that movie in so long.

LAURA: The little submarine is called The Jacqueline but with a line through it, and then The Deep Search underneath it, because the Jacqueline was his ex-wife.


CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: I also think it’s funny that somehow, within a week, she’s went and got a tattoo and no one noticed. (laughs)

CAMERON: She already has a tattoo. (laughs)

NICK: Oh yeah. Well, it’s been a solid month at this point.

LAURA: Yeah, but a solid month of doing things constantly.

CAMERON: And being on a ship.

LAURA: And being on a ship! Where did she get this tattoo? She probably, while pulling the strap of the swimsuit down, definitely spills coffee on the floor and just doesn’t do anything.

NICK: “Hey, it looks like you spilled some coffee. That actually reminds me of a funny story. There was this time where I got coffee for some of my friends and I brought them all back, and it was pretty expensive because we were kind of at a place like this, and then they were all gone, and it turns out they had left, but then I dropped the coffee because I was sad and I don’t have fingers and it spilled everywhere, and that’s kind of like this except you’re not gonna leave me because we have to win at volleyball.”

CAMERON: “Very true, Nugget.”

LAURA: “True, very true.”

HUDSON: (bothered) “You talk a lot.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Do you do impact? I talk a lot when I get on impact as well, which if we’re going to play volleyball, uh… I did bring my bag with me, right?!”

CAMERON: HK has it slung over his shoulder.

NICK: HK definitely has the extra-large beach bag.

LAURA: “Oh, thank you, Hank. I think I might die without that.”

NICK: “Ha, impact, that’s funny. You know, my friends, the ones that abandoned me, I used to always tell them I’m impact on life… Heh-heh. This is just kind of how I am, actually. I’m really excited to be here and you all seem great.”

There’s a beat of pause, and John Placeholder speaks up. “You know, actually, the same thing happened to me once. I got sent to go get coffee and people left me on a planet with the bill.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that one I could see. You are very forgettable.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We need to get y’all to the place where you are the person sending someone to go get coffee. Y’all deserve to have coffee brought to you.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s a great idea. Hey big hairy fella, could you go get me some coffee?”


CAMERON: “His name’s Tink.”

NICK: “Oh. Well, we didn’t finish the icebreaker, so… Tink, what’s one fun fact about you? Heheh.”

HUDSON: “I don’t like getting people coffee.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s real fun. That’s great.”

LAURA: “Tink, you have certainly gotten me coffee many times.”

NICK: “Great. Yeah, that’s not aggressive at all. I was just trying to follow the advice. What about the rest of you?”

LAURA: “Um, as you just saw, I have more than one tattoo, outside of the cultural lekku tattoos. I used to date someone named Jacqueline. I no longer date someone named Jacqueline. I am very tired.”

HUDSON: “Does that have anything to do with the tattoo on you?”

LAURA: “Which part? Me being tired?”

HUDSON: “No, the Jacqueline.”

LAURA: “Oh. I got the tattoo while dating her, actually after dating her. I thought it might get her to start dating me again. It didn’t, heh, so now it has a line through it and says The Afternoon Delight underneath it.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s really interesting, but I was just wondering, so like are you dating someone named Afternoon Delight now?”

LAURA: “No. That is just the name of the ship I am on. Also, it is a funny sex pun.”

NICK: “Oh, I get it.” Fish does not get it.

LAURA: “I’m not entirely sure if I am dating someone right now? Maybe? Who knows, I certainly don’t. Heh.”

CAMERON: “You’re at least seeing someone.”

LAURA: “I’m at least going on dates with someone.”

CAMERON: “Because you had drinks first, so it was a date.”

LAURA: “We did have drinks, and I knew her name, so a date.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah. That was the other requirement. I forgot about that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s really interesting. Thank you for sharing with the group. What did you say your name was? I think I missed it. And I need you all to introduce yourselves so I can refer to you by name and not have an awkward pause later.”

LAURA: “Oh, I am Xianna.”

NICK: “Very pleasant to meet you. I’ve turned into Kermit the Frog.”


HUDSON: ‘Why is there so many songs…’

NICK: ‘…about turbo lasers.’

LAURA: Xianna kinda stops, like ‘I just gave my real name… Oops.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) ‘Sheet!’

LAURA: “Forget I said that. My name is, uh, Seela. That is my name, Seela, yes.”

NICK: “Hey, it’s okay Xianna, you know what they say, what happens on Sesid stays on Sesid.”

LAURA: “I mean, they say that about a lot of planets and it’s really never true.”

NICK: “I guess it depends on the amount of evil Empire occupation. Oops, did I say that out loud? We should go play volley—Oh wait! You haven’t given me your fun fact. I like your big hat and your large sunglasses and I like the number of head tails that you have, because it’s more than two, and two is fine but I like more than two because I can only count to two on my flippers. Get it? Because I don’t have fingers? Ah-ha-ha.”

CAMERON: (giggles) Karma’s having flashbacks to when the twins were in the stage that they just kept a constant rambling, but it was two of them, so she’s very used to this.

NICK: Twins must be difficult.

CAMERON: Yup. “I’m Karma. I’m a mom…”

NICK: “That’s cool. Where are your kids?”

CAMERON: “Well, they’re grown up now, besides Tink.”

HUDSON: “I am not your child. Unless you want to start—“

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: “Yes you are. (forceful) Remember, Tink?”

CAMERON: (through gritted teeth) “You’re supposed to be nice to your moms.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah…”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I am also your mother.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Okay, mommy.”


NICK: “That got real weird.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I have had many people call me mommy.”

NICK: “Still weird.”

LAURA: “Don’t make it weird. You are making it weird.”

HUDSON: “You’re making it weird.”

NICK: “I’m an accountant.”

CAMERON: “You don’t have to call her mommy.”

LAURA: “Yeah. You don’t have to call me mommy. Also, don’t.”

NICK: “I don’t really know how to respond to that. The only reason I piped up is because I wanted to say as an accountant I’m legally required to tell you that falsifying hotel registrations is a Class 3 misdemeanor under Galactic Code 27164.123-ZetaBetaAlpha.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you are concerned that we possibly, maybe, kind of made a reference to hypothetically be not truthful for our hotel purchase, but you did not care about the illegal drugs?”

NICK: “I’m an accountant, so it’s very specific things…”

CAMERON: “I don’t see what being an accountant has to do with misdemeanors.”

NICK: “Because it messes with their financial documentation when they’re backtracking things. The Galactic Empire requires a certain amount of—“ He talks for probably a full minute.

LAURA: Xianna just stops him and puts her hand up. “Look. I have never once paid my taxes, so I have no idea what you are talking about.”

NICK: He looks like he’s about to throw up. “I think I should clarify that the reason I bring that up isn’t because I would say anything about it but that now that we’re teammates I care about your wellbeing financially, and that’s just a free tip that you probably shouldn’t do that. That’s all.”

CAMERON: “Speaking of teammates, I think it’s about time we headed to the court! Come on, everybody…!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay. Let’s go.”

NICK: “Admonishment: We are approximately nine and a half minutes late. At ten minutes we will forfeit.”

LAURA: (laughs) “Oh, okay, everyone go.”

HUDSON: “Run!”

CAMERON: “That is not the case, Hank. (laughs)”

NICK: “Wistful: I sure want to forfeit.”

LAURA: “Me too, Hank, me too.”

CAMERON: “But you’re so good at volleyball now, HK! Tink programmed you last night.”

NICK: I don’t think that happened.

CAMERON: I think it did. We mentioned it at least.

NICK: We get everybody running through the front doors. You can see that there are three volleyball courts taped out in the sand. They have the stakes with the ribbons that mark the out of bounds and everything and the nets have been raised. There is one group impatiently tapping their foot, and there’s a referee with a stopwatch, and as you run out onto the—I don’t want to say court…

HUDSON: It’s a volleyball court.

NICK: Sand?

CAMERON: The sand!

NICK: I guess it is, but… eh. The referee who is a Draedan wearing a black and white striped shirt and extremely short shorts blows a comically oversized whistle. “To everybody, if you could take your positions we’ll go ahead and get started. We don’t want everybody to wait on the next match.” I spent way too long creating volleyball rules for Edge of the Empire, which I will now explain.

Basically, everybody picks a position on the team, like a function that they will perform. Each function works off of different stats. Everybody will roll for theirs. The three NPCs you will assign positions, they will modify other people’s rolls based on where you put them.

HUDSON: There’s three NPCs? Oh, okay, I see.

CAMERON: HK, John, and Nugget.

NICK: You’ve got HK, you’ve got Nugget, and you’ve got John Placeholder. So, the positions that you can be: There are two hitters, and they’ll roll Athletics, they’re like the ones that spike the ball. There are two setters, they roll Coordination, they’re the ones who have to move around and be defensive. There is a defensive specialist that rolls Leadership and based on that can boost other people’s rolls, and then there is a blocker that would roll Resilience. As a group, you need to decide what position everyone’s going to play for the first game.

HUDSON: Which one is the Coordination one?

NICK: Coordination is the setters.

HUDSON: I’d like to be a setter, because I have like 4 or 5 in Coordination.

NICK: Really?!


NICK: Why?!

HUDSON: For times like this, Nick.

NICK: (laughs) ‘I was preparing for volleyball!’

LAURA: What were the first ones?

NICK: Hitters roll Athletics, setters roll Coordination, defensive specialist rolls Leadership, and blocker rolls Resilience. The total successes that everyone will get in their positions will add up to a total that you need to beat the other team.

LAURA: I do have one level of Stalker and my Agility is high enough, and Xianna will almost certainly get a little help in a second, so that will be bumped up even more.

CAMERON: Do you want to do the other Coordination, because then you get your blue die?

LAURA: Yes, so I’ll do that.

NICK: Then, if you win the first match you’ll be able to reassign people to be more successful in the future. One challenge of this is you don’t know the stats of the other people, so based on how they’ve acted you have to assign them to things.

CAMERON: Do we know HK’s Brawn? I got a full rundown of his specs previously.

NICK: Yeah, he’s a 2. He’s now particularly brawny. You get the impression of HK that he is super agile as far as restrained motion and movement but not graceful, because I got a little power gamey when I made him and I didn’t put stuff in stats I thought were not important at the time.

HUDSON: I’m designated trash talker.


LAURA: I have Jump Up…?

CAMERON: … Okay.

NICK: It’s almost like this team was not spec’d to be good at volleyball.

LAURA: Xianna just didn’t grow up with organized sports. Sorry. It’s almost like her planet is sort of a disaster right now, and for a long time.

CAMERON: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that HK’s not gonna be the best at Leadership. Does everybody else support that?


LAURA: Correct.

NICK: He’s not as bad as you would think. He’s not good.

CAMERON: Yeah, but his Presence isn’t great. I don’t think he’s skilled in it.

NICK: He has a 2 in Presence.

CAMERON: That’s not bad actually.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: I’m gonna nominate Nugget for the Leadership one. Nugget seems inspiring.

NICK: Nugget is the defensive specialist. Tink is a setter.

CAMERON: Xianna’s the other setter.

NICK: You need two hitters and a blocker. The two hitters are doing Athletics. The blocker would be doing Resilience.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna be the best at both of those. She has a 3 in Brawn, which is more than HK and it’s gonna be more than John. John introduced himself as an average Human which means he has a 2 Brawn.

NICK: Metagaming alert! Wee-woo, wee-woo.


CAMERON: I paid attention in stats. So, I would say we put HK in Resilience and then do Karma and John in the Athletics ones, because Karma has 2 ranks in Athletics, so then at least one person there has the chance to be good. Does everybody support that plan?

NICK: Does everybody agree with this statistic plan?

HUDSON: Yes I do.


NICK: I think with the way that conversation went out we get a brief moment, while the ref is talking to the other team about the rules, of Karma looking at everyone and Tink and Xianna going ‘we’ll do the setting’ and then Karma going ‘hmm…’ just looking at the teammates she has left. (labored thinking noise) ‘Okay, me and John will be up front.’

CAMERON: Doing it in a very supportive mom way, though. Kind of like how I said, “I think Nugget would be very good at being a defensive person and inspiring the team.”

NICK: “You know, that’s so funny. I actually take feedback pretty well so you don’t have to worry. Just a little joke. I’ll support the team the best I can.”

CAMERON: “That just seems like a perfect role for you. John, why don’t you be a hitter with me, and then HK can be a blocker because you’re a sturdy dude.”

LAURA: ‘He is made of metal.”

NICK: “Realization: We ran out of slots, didn’t we?”

CAMERON: “What do you mean?”

LAURA: “Huh?”

NICK: “I was the last choice.”

CAMERON: “No. I just happened to say yours last, but I had great plans for you. I know you can do this, HK.”

NICK: He just kind of shuffles over up front and middle like he’s going to try to block.

CAMERON: “HK, I need you to strike fear into the heart of our enemies.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Without shooting them. No violence, please.”

NICK: The shoulders slump a little bit.

CAMERON: “I’m sorry buddy. I will try to find you someone to violence.”

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna need rolls from everybody. Karma, you do just a straight Athletics check. John neither adds nor subtracts from positions that he assists in, but you do have a black die. I’ll explain that in a minute. Setters, Tink and Xianna, you can just roll straight Coordination. Xianna, did you do drugs?

LAURA: Not yet! I haven’t weaved it in narratively.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: But I will. I’ve already marked it on my sheet.

NICK: If you’re going to then you can roll with your increased stat.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It will be average. HK will be rolling Resilience. Basically, everybody roll your stats at average difficulty with a black die.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: What just happened?

NICK: (laughs) Karma, how did you do?

CAMERON: Karma got a success and a triumph.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna got two failures, but four advantages.

NICK: Interesting.

HUDSON: I have an advantage.

NICK: Oh gosh.

CAMERON: You said HK would just be straight Brawn?

NICK: His would be Resilience, so it’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Oh, he’s skilled in Resilience?

NICK: Yeah.



NICK: And he doesn’t have the black die, because he does not care.

CAMERON: Oh… Okay. (laughs) No, that’s just a straight wash.

HUDSON: Not a good first hit.

CAMERON: Do I need to roll for Nugget?

NICK: Yeah, we’ll give Nugget a roll.

CAMERON: Fish is in a slot of their own?

NICK: Nugget is three greens.

HUDSON: This is Round 1 of volleyball, right, or is this the whole game?

NICK: This is Round 1.

CAMERON: Fish has the black die?

NICK: No, fish does not have the black die.

CAMERON: Fish does not have a black die…

HUDSON: If we win the tournament, how many teams do we have to go through?

LAURA: There’s another school! With more teams! And we just keep going!

CAMERON: But we get new uniforms.

LAURA: Yeah, and they’re skimpier each time!

CAMERON: Nugget got a success and a threat.

NICK: So, here’s the thing. The way this is gonna work is you needed a certain amount of successes as a group to win, right? You have zero successes.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Nuh-uh. I had one.

NICK: You had one, Nugget had one, Xianna had two failures.


CAMERON: Xianna… (laughs)

NICK: But you have five advantages.

CAMERON: And a triumph.

HUDSON: So we actually do win.

LAURA: The other team forfeits.

NICK: So what we’ll say is…

CAMERON: The other team all falls and breaks their arm.

HUDSON: They get explosive diarrhea on the court.

LAURA: We’re a wildcard.

NICK: (smiling) Let me do this. So, because it’s the first round it’s not a pretty game. We have a montage of shots where they go up to spike it and HK is clearly doing ballistics calculations and moving to the spot he needs to be as you hit the ball over, and he jumps, and every time the ball hits him in the face.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: His arms are up but they’re kind of spindly, and just (clang) and he falls down, and gets up, and at some point you hear him start to say, “Expletive: …” and then grumbling really quietly to himself. He blocks a lot of them. Karma is able to get some pretty good spikes in including one that hits somebody in the face and bruises their eye pretty good. Tink isn’t able to help a ton, but he doesn’t make any errors. Xianna runs into Tink several times.

LAURA: Xianna has no idea how to play, and I bet even at one point she just straight up walks off the court to go take impact and then comes back, and she’s confused why that gave them a penalty or something.

CAMERON: It didn’t occur to us that Xianna wouldn’t know the rules, and she never asked.

LAURA: Xianna at one point goes “I don’t know the rules. Does anyone else know the rules?” (laughs)

NICK: Xianna at one point caught the ball and tried to throw it back and the ref called it dead, and Xianna’s like ‘what?!’

LAURA: “What?! I don’t understand the rules and no one told me!” (whiney)

CAMERON: “It was a fly ball.” (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t know what that means!”

CAMERON: ‘They’re out, right? That’s a field goal?’

LAURA: “Do we kick it?”

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You end up losing in the final set of this volleyball tournament. It’s not really close. You win a couple of sets just due to them not being particularly good at this, but as the game is done you all have to meet at the net and shake hands with the other team. The referee says, “Great, and on to the next round. Only four more to go until the championship!”

The people on the other side look like a family of Humans with older kids, and they all look at each other, and one of the players goes, “Uh, well… Actually, we’re gonna have to drop out, because we have a snorkeling expedition that leaves in like an hour, so we’re done. Thanks for playing, guys~”

They walk off and the referee looks kind of confused, and says “Okay… Well, it looks like Rawr~ has won due to forfeit.”


HUDSON: “We rocked it! Yeah!”

CAMERON: Karma gives double high-fives to everybody.

HUDSON: (joyous falsetto) “We did it! We did it~!”

NICK: Nugget unfolds their stepladder and climbs up, and you get the wet (squelch) noise of high-fiving them.


HUDSON: “Why didn’t you use that stepladder the whole game?”

CAMERON: “It kind of limits fish’s movements.”

NICK: “Well, so, I was going to use the stepladder but then Xianna kept cheating in various ways and I thought that the referee wouldn’t really appreciate it, like—“

LAURA: “Wait, was I cheating?! I honestly do not know. Someone should explain the rules to me.”

NICK: “I don’t know if impact counts as a performance enhancing drug per se, but it’s probably at least frowned upon by the conference.”

LAURA: “I mean, probably, it is illegal.”

NICK: “That reminds me of this one time where I had my stepstool and I tried to go get a book off the top shelf but the shelf was too tall, so then I tried to climb the shelf, but my flippers were too slippery because it was on my home planet, and so it was really humid, and when I tried to climb up my flippers slipped off and I fell and I landed on my stepstool and I broke it. This is actually my third stepstool.”

CAMERON: “Aww. That’s terrible.”

LAURA: “How high up were you?”

NICK: “Like, 1.5 meters.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Not as high as Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh…”

NICK: “That’s a good joke, Tink.”

LAURA: ‘I have climbed much higher bookcases.”

NICK: “I feel like we’re gonna be really good friends due to our mutual love of climbing things, and also it’s cool that you’re such a free spirit, and I think that you’re great.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you.”

NICK: “Great, so—“

HUDSON: “That’s enough from you.”

LAURA: ‘No!”

CAMERON: “No! That’s so rude!”

NICK: “That’s extremely dismissive, Tink.”

LAURA: “Fosh can keep talking if fosh wants to. You are very cute.”

NICK: “Thanks. That’s really good. Um, also Tink, you can talk mean to me if you like, that’s okay.” And we’re gonna get a quick swipe there before I have to elaborate on that.


LAURA: Xianna’s nodding and smiling in the background.

NICK: You all sit on some bleachers waiting for the next round to end and the team comes up again. Everybody, I need you to describe one player on the second round team. This is a team that has won a game already.

LAURA: Oh. What’s the snake person one? It’s one of Leia’s friends in Leia, Princess of Alderaan, like a snake species that don’t have hands. I want one of them to be that. I forgot what her friend’s name was.

NICK: A Sluissi?

LAURA: Sounds right.

NICK: They have arms.

LAURA: Oh. Well, maybe it has arms. I just remember that it was a snake and it definitely doesn’t have legs, because it slithers around.

NICK: Bristol snake?

LAURA: That doesn’t sound right, but…

NICK: There’s just pictures of snakes. We’ll go with Sluissi. They’re just the snake people from D&D.

HUDSON: So, across the court as the team comes out, I see some of the people and one definitely catches my eye. He’s about as tall as I am, it’s a Gigoran who has white fur, about the same height as me. I find out from the roster sheet their name is Tonk. (laughter) Looks really similar to me, like super similar, like facial structure, they even have the same translator box.

NICK: Huh… Interesting.

HUDSON: (laughing) I like throwing you off.

NICK: (smiling) You did hit me with like three curveballs. I like it. They have a Gigoran. You also see as they walk out onto the volleyball court the Gigoran, Tonk, quickly tucks an outlaw data breaker into their fanny pack.

HUDSON: Under my breath I go, “He’s a slicer.”

CAMERON: Walking next to Tonk the Gigoran  is a Nautolan woman…


HUDSON: No~! Yes, okay, this is great actually.

CAMERON: …but she’s wearing a PURPLE headband.

NICK: What’s her name?

CAMERON: It’s Korma.

NICK: So, then obviously there’s a yellow Twi’lek named Xionna, and Xianna you see as she steps out next to you she does a quick bump of what looks like glitterstim and smiles real bright at you. “Oh, hi, I don’t know the rules!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I do  not know the rules either. I took impact instead of glitterstim though. I have glitterstim. I don’t know why I said that, but…”

NICK: “I have some impact I’m not using. Maybe we can work out a trade later.”

LAURA: “Oh, that would actually be nice, because I do not use the glitterstim at all.”

NICK: “Well, the joke’s on you, because glitterstim gives you psychic powers. I don’t know why moving faster is gonna be better when I can move the ball (whispers) with my mind.”

LAURA: “I actually don’t think that is true. I think that is just like a rumor.”

CAMERON: Then walking up behind her silently is an assassin droid.

NICK: It’s the IG-88 model.


CAMERON: Then there’s a very bland looking Human woman named Joan.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: (laughs) And a small fish person named, uh… Strips.

NICK: A very small fish person named Strips… or Sticks?

HUDSON: Drips.

CAMERON: I was trying to use chicken nuggets and chicken strips.

NICK: Well, fish nuggets and fish sticks.

CAMERON: Okay, that is very true, so then sticks, yup, but it’s spelled with an X.

NICK: Stix, yeah, and they have a small repulser pad that they keep on their back. You line up to shake hands. Tonk the Gigoran says, “Oh hey, Gigoran. Did you get called a Wookie a lot since you’ve gotten here? That keeps happening to me.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That happens to me all the time.”

NICK: “Hey, we should exchange like Facebook profiles and like hang out online.”

HUDSON: “I’m not on Facebook. I’m on HackMD.”

NICK: “Oh, that’s funny, you probably tell people who don’t slice to go to HackMD because it’s a mark. That’s cool. I’ll send you my deep web ID. We’ll talk.”

HUDSON: “Yeah! Now you’re talking!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Then Nugget walks over to Stix who is more shark looking.

(Nugget, simultaneous with next speech) “Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen anyone from my planet in a long time. That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that repulser lift? I use this stepstool because a repulser lift, I use to have a repulser lift, but the repulser lift…”

(Stix, simultaneous with previous speech) “Oh hey, it’s another one of my species. That’s so cool. You know, I talk too much, but it’s cool to see someone else, and… you know, it’s okay to talk back, we should really have a two-way conversation, you know? Just because we’re on another team—“

And we’re gonna skip away from that conversation, because I can’t handle it. I’m the one doing it. That’s your opponent for the next round. End of episode~

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: (hums)

NICK: What have we done?

OTHERS: (singing) For the longest time!

NICK: (late) For the longest time!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Scroll to top