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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 25:
Garage Throw-Down

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Thank you to everyone out there listening to the podcast. We are so happy to see the positive mentions out in the world and to provide some happy distraction when it’s needed. If you haven’t already, please consider leaving a review on your podcatcher of choice or check out our Patreon. We have tons of bonus content out there and would love to share it with you. Thank you everyone for your continued support. Y’all are great.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 25! I’m your host and game master, Nick. It is a gorgeous half of a half of a centennial episode that we have coming for you. Really looking forward to seeing how’s the gang gonna get out of this one. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Excellent. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to announce my side project completely unaffiliated with Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: It’s gonna be Tablebottom Crew, where me and three adventurers go through the desert in search of adventure.

NICK: Yeah… that’s a little awkward, because I also wanted to announce Stoolseat Organization about a loosely affiliated group of people who travel through the desert looking for adventure, so uh… we’re gonna have to have that conversation off-mic I guess, Hudson.

HUDSON: Yeah. Yeah, yeah… I think we can either collaborate or go at each other’s throats. We’ll have to see.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: You know, maybe the rivalry thing will just help boost both of y’all’s listenership. You can just really play it up.

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: Wait-wait-wait. What if every episode is a crossover episode?


NICK: That’s like there’s always a sale at Bed Bath & Beyond.


CAMERON: There is though.

NICK: Well, the real question is how are these two new organizations going to do against Hammockbasin Team?

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Poorly.

LILIT: Not good.

NICK: Yeah, Hammockbasin Team is pretty OP. Great. [laughs] SO before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson.

NICK: Excellent. So, when we last left off, you all managed to convince hardened criminals that their garage was haunted. You had hidden speakers in the vents, apparently trained Creamsicle to have a packet of blood and be able to pour it out of a grating, you stole a watch and wrote a threatening message in it, and by the end of that a portion of the Kemslinger gang, which you had negotiated with Keyna the jizz singer to eliminate, had fled into the night. Am I missing anything?

LILIT: That sounds about right.

HUDSON: Yeah, yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah, I think you got it.

NICK: Yeah. So we open on the rusty garage that the Kemslingers are using as a hideout. From the single open door we see Zol, the apparent boss of the group, shouting into the Coruscanti night.

NICK (as Zol): Fine, you kriffheads, you run. There’s no such thing as ghosts! If I see you again you’re dead, DEAD, you hear me?

NICK: He slams the door behind him as he returns to the garage. The camera zooms out to see the crew of the Afternoon Delight still perched behind a convenient dumpster having just witnessed this meltdown. It looks like the ghost plan worked. What do you do now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so I think Tink said he wanted to pretend to be a ghost team to get into the front door. My vote is we just go through the air vents. Sneak attack. Drop down from the ceiling. They will never suspect it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t think we want to wait long enough for them to call a ghost hunting squad.

HUDSON (as Tink): So basically, instead of being an exorcist I’d be a vent-rocist… through the air vents.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Although, the ghost team is a good idea and that would be better for a long-term scam.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we will save it. We will put it in our notebook and we will save it for later.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, a long-term, like whenever we’re in some kind of alternate universe situation if they figure that stuff out.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or if we just decide we want to do a Holonet show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): That too, yeah, uh-huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have some industry connections.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Searching Statement: I have found 47 different ghost hunting shows on the Holonet. You would not have a strong competitive advantage.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are quite popular, though they all feel exactly the same.

NICK (as HK): That is my point. If there is that many exactly identical shows, how would you be successful?

LILIT (as Xianna): If there are that many and they are all exactly the same yet they are all successful, that kind of shows that the formula works.

NICK (as HK): That seems to fly into the face of economic theory.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’d think so.

NICK (as HK): I will download new… I don’t know, economic theory? What do I—That doesn’t make any sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): You just have to shift your perspective, HK. You know, sometimes you have these theories about economics or health or life, and they don’t always work out, and even if people are telling you “hey, that’s not how you do that” or “hey, that’s illegal,” you just have to fly in the face of them and just hug justice by the waist.

CAMERON (as Karma): What…? You should not do things that are illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do things that are illegal all the time. We are about to go murder people I think. That’s very illegal.

CAMERON (as Karma): They have bounties on them. It’s fine for me. I’m not doing illegal things.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Tink and I will be doing illegal things.

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all are my associates.

LILIT (as Xianna): We broke and entered earlier. We did a B&E. That is illegal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Breakfast with eggs! B&E.

LILIT (as Xianna): yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): We stole property. Also, we did return that property, but we still stole it to begin with.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s borrowing if you really think about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. True.

CAMERON (as Karma): Malicious borrowing?

HUDSON (as Tink): If we create the show of the future involving ghosts, I think we should call it Spoopy Ghosties.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s already a thing. It’s a bad name anyways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, not a lot of viewership, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): So are we going to murder them?

HUDSON (as Tink): You don’t have to plan on murdering. Let’s just get in there, see what happens, go with the flow.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just sort of play it loosey-goosey.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, play it by ear, meaning two ears.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m going to go through the vents. You two can go however you want. HK, I figured you would just go through the door.

NICK (as HK): If we are taking a stealthy approach, I will follow, silently, like the night. I am extremely stealthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not coming through the vents with me, HK.

NICK (as HK): Really? Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): The metal on metal as you crawl through the vents, I think, is just…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s too loud.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s gonna be hard to be quiet.

HUDSON (as Tink): And what if they magnetize the vents? That would mess up your circuitry and you’d get stuck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would they magnetize the vents?

NICK (as HK): To mess up my circuitry so I get stuck.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly, for these situations.

CAMERON (as Karma): [pleasantly sarcastic] Oh yeah, good planning there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, got to keep two steps ahead at all times.

NICK (as HK): I will be entering the front door. Who’s with me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, now I kinda want to go through the front door. If only there were two of me.

CAMERON: Is Tink gonna fit in the vents? [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I also don’t think you could come into the vents with me. You know, maybe it was my fault for offering up the vents to everybody…


LILIT (as Xianna): …when really it would just be me that could fit. Maybe Karma if some of the weapons came off, but I really think it is just going to be me and Creamsicle who can fit in there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’ll find a skylight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, front door for me I guess. HK, you ready?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

NICK: So, Karma and Xianna, I need Stealth checks from you.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

LILIT: Okie.

NICK: To be able to get into assault position. Are you planning on doing a coordinated “everybody bust in at the same time” kind of thing?

LILIT: Sounds like it.

CAMERON: I’m sure we’re “planning” on that. We didn’t discuss that before breaking up as a group though. [laughs]

LILIT: This is a Stealth check, and I have Stalker, so I get a blue die.

NICK: It’s an average Stealth check.

LILIT: [giggles wildly]

HUDSON: [gasps] Oh… Ohh!

CAMERON: I have two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Great.

LILIT: Okay, okay… I have two triumphs, both with their successes, and an additional success.


[slow suspenseful music begins]

We get this camera shot of HK and Tink both to either side of the front door, Xianna disappears like a ghost into the vents, Karma climbs silently up onto the roof and finds a conveniently located skylight. Over the coms, very quietly, you hear HK say…

NICK (as HK): We are kicking in… in three, two, one…

NICK: …and the door is kicked open.

[shift to more heavy action music]

HK and Tink slide inside, quickly covering their corners, Karma opens the skylight and drops in, Xianna pops out of a vent with blaster drawn… and there’s no one here.

[music ends abruptly]

But how do you want to spend those triumphs?

LILIT: So that scene happens exactly as you have described. We pop out and all there is is a light settling of dust in the room, and just an eerie silence. However, the people in the other room don’t notice this at all.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: So we’re able to just reset everything for the next room.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Like we just all look at each other, look around, and then just whisper:

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, this is embarrassing. Uh, should we just do a do-over? Redo it?

LILIT: [laughs]

NICK: So you look around the room, and the main work area of the garage is pretty much what you would expect a front for a gang to look like. There are tools scattered everywhere, but they’re dirty and not used. There’s no sign of any consistent mechanical work happening. There’s half a speeder in the corner. The room is dark and dingy, there’s a large table that you can see people would gather around on a regular basis, but it looks like the back wall has been roughly demolished.

There’s rubble still scattered around the floor, and it looks like the hideout for the Kemslingers has been dug deeper into the neighboring buildings. There doesn’t appear to be much security, and you find that the way forward is unguarded.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, look at this.

CAMERON: Is the way forward just like… a dug-out hallway?

NICK: Yeah, so the back wall is blown open and, because Coruscant is stacked so close together, it’s into the next building which is also in disrepair. You can see that they’ve smashed out walls making a sort of impromptu tunnel through other abandoned buildings on this level.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Do we just want to do the same thing over again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh… I mean it worked the first time. It has to work again, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): It would have been super cool if there were people in here.

CAMERON (as Karma): It would have been really cool.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. We’ll just reset everything. Okay, do it again.

LILIT: And Xianna starts climbing back into the vent.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma climbs some shelves and gets back up to the skylight and pops back through it onto the roof. [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so you’re jumping from roof to roof.


NICK: Okay. As Karma and Xianna disappear, HK looks at Tink.

NICK (as HK): Well I guess it’s just us again.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, we should probably meet them at the next spot.

NICK (as HK): I assume so. Should I go first or would you like to, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… I usually want the fame and glory, but I’ll give it to you this time. You can go first.

NICK (as HK): Much appreciated, and of course that means that I will draw most of the suppressing fire from the enemy if I am seen first.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you love doing that, don’t you?

NICK (as HK): I do tend to get shot a lot more than the rest of the crew.

LILIT: Since I got two triumphs, can I use one of those triumphs to give all of us blue dice in the next round?

NICK: “Absolutely. That’s a good call.

LILIT: Because we have the element of surprise, and two of us will have the high ground.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ooh. So we get this shot of Karma jumping from rooftop to rooftop. They’re all very close together, so it’s mostly just walking along the roof looking in skylights. HK and Tink are sliding from cover to cover moving through this tunnel. Xianna is in the vents moving silent.

After going through a few of these knocked-down walls, you can see two Humans holding carbines standing on either side of a metal door. They look to be dressed similarly to the Kemslingers you saw flee into the night earlier. They very clearly are on guard duty.

With all the advantages and triumphs, there is a skylight right above and a vent that is nearby to where they are posted up. They don’t appear to be particularly watchful. You can tell that they look bored. They’re not talking to each other, but they’re not really looking around that much either. So what’s the plan?

CAMERON: I kind of want to jump on one of them from above with my sword.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I think Xianna is gonna do the very cool spy movie thing of slowly stick the end of the blaster out of the grate in the air vent and line up a shot. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [softly] So the one on the left of the door is right under my skylight. I can take them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I won’t shoot that one then.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, there’s no one left for me and HK. HK, looks like we’re gonna have to just sit and watch the show.

HUDSON: I sit down crisscross applesauce style.

NICK: HK slides his back down the wall kind of petulantly and crosses his arms over his rifle. He strokes the blaster for a second.

NICK (as HK): Soon, baby… soon.


NICK: Alright, so I’m going to just take it as a given with how you are doing that you are able to coordinate this simultaneously. I just need an attack roll from each of you. Average difficulty for range, average difficulty for melee. You do get a blue die from your coordinated triumph.

CAMERON: And my sword is Accurate, so I get another blue die.

LILIT: Xianna will be aiming.

NICK: Okay, that makes sense. You have the time to.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m taking another blue die for Quick Strike, because they haven’t gone yet in combat.

NICK: Fair.

CAMERON: Forgot I had that.

NICK: It occurs to me how many of your builds were set up for ambushes.

CAMERON: I would like to make a prediction that this person is dead. [counts] Seven success and four advantages.

NICK: Yeah, they’re super dead.

CAMERON: So it would be [counts] 12 for the Brawn and the sword, and then I also do 2 additional damage for my Feral Strength talents.

NICK: Wow!

CAMERON: And I crit. [laughs]

NICK: Wow. Yeah, they’re super heckin’ dead. Xianna, how did you do?

LILIT: So I rolled… a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and three advantages.

NICK: So how much damage is that total? I mean, you double crit on him, but I’m just curious.

LILIT: So that would be… my base damage is 7, so that would be 11 damage, Pierce 2, and I crit on 3.


NICK: Yes. Okay. These shmucks are extremely dead. How do you take them down professionally and in synchronous action?

LILIT: So I imagine that Xianna lines up the shot from within the air vent and then coordinates with Karma for Karma’s surprise dropdown.

CAMERON: Do like a three, two, one.

LILIT: Yeah, a lovely little three, two, one.

[heavy metal music begins]

Xianna shoots, Karma drops down, and it is over within a second.

CAMERON: I think Karma superhero lands on the person that she was above and separates the spinal column.

LILIT: And then Xianna yells into the com.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, HK, go!

NICK: HK looks up from where he was holding his rifle.

NICK (as HK): What? Were we doing something? Okay!

NICK: And starts to scramble to his feet and run towards the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aye-aye, captain.

HUDSON: Tink says, back through the coms, and runs towards the door.

NICK: So in this hallway that’s covered in rubble, because the walls have been blown out, we see Karma superhero landed on this now bisected gangster, and this other guard has slumped to the ground with a perfectly accurate headshot from the event. HK runs past with Tink close behind, and they kick open this metal door.

[heavy metal music ends]

Inside we see what really just looks like a bachelor pad. You see Zol the Human, the leader of the Kemslingers, with his bright facial tattoos, and he looks like he’s just finished yelling at the other three members of the Kemslingers, a Togruta wearing large gloves, a Human with a buzz cut and two blasters—and those two lounge on a couch that looks like it’s about to fall apart. There’s also a Trandoshan sharpening a large vibro-sword sitting in the corner with a holo screen playing a news reel on mute. As soon as Tink and HK kick open the door, Zol looks up and says:

NICK (as Zol): They finally came for us! We gotta go! Retreat!

NICK: And turns and runs into what looks like a sewer pipe that’s sticking into the wall. You can hear splashing footsteps as he runs down the pipe. The Trandoshan is quick on his feet and also gets up and runs into the pipe. The Togruta and the Human are slower to react. I’m gonna need everybody to roll initiative.

CAMERON: Oh boy. Just two advantages for Karma. HK is two successes and an advantage.

HUDSON: Tink has a success and an advantage.

LILIT: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellows twice, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages and… two successes, four advantages.

NICK: Alright. So, we are starting with an NPC slot. The gang member with the gloves on, the Togruta, flips backwards over the couch and runs towards the mouth of the tunnel.

[heavy metal music returns]

As she gets to the mouth of the sewer pipe she pulls a grenade out of her pocket and chucks it towards Tink and HK. I’m gonna need you to roll me a yellow and two green versus average difficulty, please.

CAMERON: Okay. Is she aiming her grenade?

NICK: No, she’s not aiming her grenade.

CAMERON: Bad guys aren’t allowed to aim grenades.

NICK: Well, and she used her maneuver to run.

CAMERON: Because bad guys are controlled by Nick. Yeah, just one failure.

NICK: One failure. So the grenade hits above the doorway and explodes, but it’s far enough away that it doesn’t hit anybody. It is really loud, though, in this small room. Your ears are ringing pretty hard. Up next is a PC slot.

HUDSON: Tink closes his eyes as the grenade blows up and then opens them and he’s hearing a ringing.

HUDSON (as Tink): mop, mop, mooop


HUDSON: Because tinnitus.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

HUDSON: Yeah, just gonna explain the joke to everyone out there in the listening world. Tink grabs his axe off his chest and starts running towards the opening.

NICK: Okay. Are you running past the couch with the person with guns and running towards the Togruta who threw the grenade?


NICK: Okay. You are able to make it to the opening. You’re within striking range of this Togruta.

HUDSON: I strike.

NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack. It’s gonna be average difficulty, but it’s going to have two black dice, because she has Defense.

HUDSON: I do get a blue die from the last triumph that Xianna had.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Five successes and one advantage.

NICK: Ooh… Isn’t your axe Crit 1?

HUDSON: Yes, it’s Crit 1.

NICK: Would you like to roll that crit?

HUDSON: Vicious 4.


CAMERON: Heh, so +40.


CAMERON: A 64, so, a 104.

LILIT: 104 is the one that we have called Lost Limb. One limb is permanently lost.


LILIT: Cannot perform actions with limb… because you’ve lost it.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: All other actions incur a black die.

NICK: What do you lop off of this person, Tink?

HUDSON: The hand.

NICK: Okay. So, they go to stop the axe that’s swinging down towards them and you just cut straight through their wrist. How much total damage did you do?

HUDSON: Brawn plus 3, and my Brawn is 4, so 7 damage?

NICK: Plus five successes is 12.


NICK: Well… so with 12 damage she has just enough Soak to not instantly die, but she grabs around her wrist and tries to staunch the blood flow as you have cut off her hand, which is not great for a martial artist.

HUDSON: I turn and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks for giving me a hand.

CAMERON: Boo. [laughs]

LILIT: Yeah. You hear from an air vent:

LILIT (as Xianna): Boo~

NICK: [laughs] Up next is the other NPC slot, and they are going to shoot at the person who just cut off their friend’s hand. Can you roll me three yellows versus three purples, please? And give them a blue die, because they’re aiming.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: Aw… not enough to trigger the Dual Wielding. So with just one success that’s 9 damage coming at you, Tink.

HUDSON: Oof, alright.

NICK: This guy draws two pistols from where he’s sitting on the couch. He doesn’t even move. He draws a bead on you with both and shoots. One of them misses, but the other one hits you smack between the shoulder blades.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

NICK: The blaster is a heavier bolt than you’re expecting. These are hand blasters. They’re pistol shaped. They’re small and sleek. It should not have hit as hard as it did. This is some sort of custom gig.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, did you mod this thing?

NICK (as Human): Yeah!

NICK: He spins them both on his fingers and then re-holsters them, because he has Quickdraw 2 which means he can un-holster and re-holster them for free each round.

[laughter, heavy metal music ends]

NICK: That was an NPC slot, so we’re up to a PC slot.

CAMERON: Does HK want to go?

NICK: Sure, HK will go. HK is just gonna take a potshot at the martial artist. So, roll me that ranged attack at average difficulty. It’s gonna be two yellow and two green.

CAMERON: A triumph, two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Just for funzies, let’s roll that critical hit.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie, a 69!


[air horn stinger]

NICK: Plus 10 because she’s already been crit on, plus another 20 because he has 2 sets in Lethal Blows, so +30.

LILIT: 99 is the one that we have named Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed/replaced.


LILIT: Increase difficulty to all checks using that limb.

CAMERON: Oh no. [chuckles]

NICK: So, obviously HK shoots her in the other hand…

HUDSON: [laughs]


NICK: …as she goes to try and punch Tink. She collapses from the shock and goes unconscious. She is out of this fight, pretty efficiently, without getting to do anything or show off her cool abilities or talents. That’s fine. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Turns out getting hit with an axe and a sniper rifle does a lot of damage.


NICK: Who woulda thunk? Up next is another PC slot. There is the gunslinger on the couch. There is a Trandoshan and Zol somewhere back in the sewer system. Who wants to go next?

CAMERON: Do the vents connect from outside into this room?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Or does Xianna have to get out?

NICK: No, I think Xianna can stay in the vents. With all those triumphs and everything, these vents are very convenient.

CAMERON: These vents are controlled by Xianna’s mind.

LILIT: Xianna is the vents.


NICK: Xianna regulates temperature and airflow.

LILIT: Xianna can go again.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And go for the nearest person to her, which would be…

NICK: That would be the gunslinger. The martial artist is down and the other two have disappeared into the sewer.

LILIT: Alright, the gunslinger then. She’s gonna aim.

NICK: Makes sense.

LILIT: Okay, so I have gotten a triumph with its success, four additional successes, and an advantage. [laughs]

NICK: How much total damage is that?

LILIT: Twelve damage, two of that is Pierce.

NICK: Yeah, so you kill this guy… Do you just shoot him in the head? How do you bring this guy down before he can do anything? He’s very competent in a gunfight, so it is impressive.

LILIT: Xianna just lines up another shot and gets him from within the vent. I think maybe the initial chaos happened so quickly that nobody realized where the shot came from, so nobody’s looking in Xianna’s direction, because nobody is suspecting that it came from within the air vent.

NICK: That makes sense. So you are still completely sneaky. The room has been cleared. He slumps into the couch, obviously dead, because the back of his head is no longer attached.

At this point you have convinced three of the Kemslingers that their base is haunted by a vengeful ghost and they want nothing to do with this place anymore, you have killed two carbine-wielding guards, a martial artist and a gunslinger, and the only two other gangsters you’ve seen in this entire place have fled into the sewers. There’s one more PC slot. Karma, what do you wanna do?

CAMERON: I take off into the sewers.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just sprinting across the room.

NICK: With a maneuver you’re able to get across the room. Would you like to use another maneuver to run deeper into the sewer?


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m trying to catch up to one of them.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check to see how fast you’re able to go. That’s not technically in the rules, but I wanna see if you’re able to catch up to this Trandoshan who got a head-start.

CAMERON: What difficulty of Athletic?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: Three advantages!

NICK: Okay, so you’re not able to quite catch up to him, but you do see that he is about to round the corner and run deeper into the sewers. Zol is missing. You would be able to take a shot at him if you want, or do you want to continue to try to run him down?

CAMERON: I will take a shot if he’s about to turn a corner.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be average difficulty but two black dice because it’s dark in here and because he’s moving so quickly away from you.

CAMERON: Well you know what, Nicholas, with my carbine I remove two black dice for darkness, because I have Heat Signatures.

NICK: Okay, so one of them was for darkness.



CAMERON: Rude. I’m aiming. So, with Quickdraw, Karma will swing her carbine around from her back, probably keeping the sword in her hand still, and brings it up, sees the heat signature at the corner and shoots. A success and two advantages.

NICK: How much damage is that?

CAMERON: Fourteen.

NICK: Whoa. With his Soak he is still up, but he stops before turning the corner, turns back towards you, holds up his sword and says…

NICK (as Trandoshan): I don’t run from a fight.

NICK: …and starts to charge you. We’re back to the top of the order with an NPC slot.

CAMERON: Cool. Karma swings her gun back around but still has her sword in her hand.

NICK: This Trandoshan is going to charge you. If you could roll me an average difficulty melee attack at three yellows, please.

CAMERON: And two blacks.

NICK: Oh, you have Defense with your new armor, don’t you?

CAMERON: Well I have 1 Defense from my sword and 1 Defense from my armor.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Yup. Three successes.

NICK: So that is going to be… 8 damage coming at you, Pierce 2.

CAMERON: So 4 damage.

NICK: I think this looks like you’re able to parry the first blow, you block the other one off of one of your arm plates of your new armor, but he is able to land a gash into the side of your neck where the armor doesn’t cover. It’s shallow, but he manages to get a hit, and his lizard smile spreads really wide as he glares at you.


NICK: Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like it, please. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, go for it.

CAMERON: Now I’m going to holster my gun.

NICK: [laughs] Using Quickdraw.

CAMERON: Using Quickdraw, to holster my gun.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: It’s not in the way anymore. I’m going to attack with my sword.

NICK: Okay. He does have one black die against you, because his sword also has Defense.

CAMERON: Cool. One success, three advantages.

NICK: So you crit on him.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Alright. Go ahead and roll that crit.


NICK: So +70?

CAMERON: So then 90?

NICK: Oh my gosh.

LILIT: So 90 is Compromised. Increase difficulty until end of encounter.

NICK: Wow. How much damage did you do?


NICK: Nine damage.


NICK: How do you take this guy out?

CAMERON: I return the same cut that he just got in on me, but I go way deeper.

NICK: The vibro-sword buries into his neck.

CAMERON: Yeah, and the smile drops from his face.

NICK: Yeah, and then the rest of him drops as well, into the water.

HUDSON: Can Tink yell something, the last thing he hears before he goes?


NICK: Yeah?

HUDSON: Across down the tunnel, Tink yells:

HUDSON (as Tink): Where’s the dildo, you lizard scum?!


NICK: The pained expression on the Trandoshan’s face looks extremely confused and then he expires and falls facedown into the little rivulet of water in this sewer. Everything gets weirdly quiet. We’re gonna drop out of initiative order.

CAMERON: I’m gonna wipe off my blade on the Trandoshan’s clothes.

NICK: Okay. He’s wearing padded armor, so it’s pretty easy to do. Your blade is clean.


LILIT: In the background everyone else can hear the banging on a metal grate then Xianna shouting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh… Tink, or HK? Karma? Can somebody help me? The grate is stuck. I cannot get out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, step about five feet back from the grate. HK, shoot the grate.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit!


CAMERON: Karma’s running down the tunnel back towards the room.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT: You hear frantic scrambling inside the vent.

NICK: The blaster is spinning up and HK’s head just turns 90 degrees independent of his body to look at Karma approaching.

NICK (as HK): What seems to be the problem? [rapid fire noises]


NICK: And just blows a giant hole in the vent. It doesn’t hit Xianna, but I think it destabilizes the vent and drops her out of it, because the bottom cracks.

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna tumbles out, getting dirt all over herself, and she stands up and starts brushing herself off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… okay, thank you, HK. That… ugh, that was helpful. Okay. So uh, all the shitty people are dead. Very cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mission accomplished.

NICK (as HK): One of them does appear to have escaped into the sewer.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well… [huffs]. I’m not going to chase them through the sewers. Everybody spread out and we have to look for the crystal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, if it’s just one person, that’s not a group anymore, that’s a person.

NICK: Everybody tell me where their character decides to look for the Space Breaker.

HUDSON: Under the bed.

NICK: We see Tink looking under the bed. There’s some dirt. There’s boxes and boxes of little plastic baggies with nothing in them. There’s what looks like some old speeder parts that were shoved back there and forgotten, but no Space Breaker.

LILIT: Xianna begins to look through any safes or cabinets or large toolboxes.

NICK: There’s a couple of those large stand-up toolboxes that you can wheel around with the slidy drawers, and you’re able to, without even trying, pop the simple lock on those and look through. You do find a little bit of glitterstim, like half a baggie of one, but the rest of it seems to be a stash that was already cleared out or old tools again.

There is a couple of storage containers and things like that that don’t have much besides some clothes and it looks like a couple of bags of supplies, like some food and things if they had to leave quickly. We’ll come back to the safe thing in a second. Karma, where do you look?

CAMERON: Karma goes to search the crates that are behind the couch but on her way there stops by the gunslinger and takes his guns and then continues to the crates and starts going through them.

NICK: Okay. You take these two pistols. They look like light blasters, but the barrels are a lot thicker than you would expect. They’re standard light blasters, the only difference is that they do 8 damage instead of 5.


NICK: But they don’t have any of the fancy add-ons or anything. They’re just wide-chamber for some reason. Where else did you say you looked?

CAMERON: At a stack of crates that were set up behind the couch, helping the couch remain stable-ish as a couch.

NICK: As you unstack them so you can begin to look through them, the couch finally gives up the ghost and collapses into a pile of upholstery.

CAMERON: So the place IS haunted.


CAMERON: Ha! [giggles]

NICK: Tell me three useless things that you find in these crates.

CAMERON: A block of nice cheese.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

CAMERON: More crates.

NICK: You find additional crates in the crates. They’ve clearly been dealing with a certain smuggler…

CAMERON: Yeah, that had a lot of crates.

NICK: …that you found on Ithor.

CAMERON: And a can that you can’t open but it sounds like it has spiders in it.

NICK: Yeah, there’s probably some droids in there or something. It’s a perfectly normal explanation.

So, obviously these crates don’t have what you’re looking for. It just looks like this gang had been hulled up here collecting stuff and just minding their own business minus some drug trade for the recent past. You do find some documentation of they had sold some people to Hutts in the past, so they’re, you know, assholes, but lately they haven’t really been up to that.

We do see HK who is lifting up the rug that’s on the ground to see if there’s anything under it. There’s nothing under it.

CAMERON: [chuckles] There could have been a trap door.

NICK: Well there wasn’t.

CAMERON: Well there could have been.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: HK’s got good instincts.

NICK: Let’s swing back to that safe question. Xianna, will you roll me a Skulduggery check, please, at daunting difficulty.

LILIT: Daunting? Okay, that is four?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: It’s all catching up. [chuckles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Alright, that is one failure, three advantages.

NICK: So you don’t find a safe. You don’t find any more stashes. You don’t really find anything salvageable in this room. However, with your three advantages, I’m going to say you’re able to do a very thorough onceover of this place. You know for a fact that there are no hidden hiding places here that you haven’t already found. You can say for certain that the crystal dildo is not here.

LILIT: Xianna kicks some trash on the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kriffing slavers. These people suck!

HUDSON (as Tink): Not find it?

LILIT (as Xianna): No!

NICK: Tink, are you sitting on the decomposing pile of couch now?


NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not find it anywhere. There is no way it is in this place.

NICK (as HK): Do you think the Human that fled might have it, or do you think it was never here in the first place?

CAMERON (as Karma): Is a crystal dildo really something you keep on your person normally?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you keep it in your person. Heyo!

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… I don’t think people would necessarily be carrying it around.

NICK (as HK): He may have taken it to flee with his most valuable possession when they were under attack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did he have time, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. He did not grab anything before leaving.

CAMERON (as Karma): We were hella sneaky, up until that last bit.

LILIT: Xianna dejectedly flops down onto the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I was lied to.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I think we got played.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I did not detect any duplicity. In what way were you lied to?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think that the singer, whatever her name was at the Blue Bantha—

NICK (as HK): Keyna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Keyna. I think she lied to us. I don’t think it was here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wasn’t it called the Songbird?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh whatever. Of the Bluebird. I’m calling it that now. Fine. It’s a silly name. But I think she just told us it was here so that we would kill these shitty ass people so they would stop bothering her.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like we need to pay someone a visit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we make it extra dramatic so I can feel better? Can we bust in through the windows again? That was fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m gonna say no, but we can get pizza cones on the way. Would that help?

NICK (as HK): You have already consumed so many pizza objects.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey, we had pizza earlier tonight, I know. We’ve done a violence since then, okay? We need pizza cones.

LILIT: Xianna sighs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay HK, what if I get one of the pizza cones that has a vegetable in it? Is that okay then?

NICK (as HK): I do not see… well, actually, if you get one with an alfredo base instead of a tomato base it’s basically a different food.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I could get the spinach alfredo pizza cone. Then it’s got spinach, and that’s good for you, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It basically makes the whole thing healthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Although I do not understand the basics of nutrition, not having needed to use that discipline, I am not sure that spinach soaked in a cream-based sauce is healthy.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a salad.

NICK (as HK): Oh, my mistake. Thank you for teaching me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Spinach is a salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): In a bread bowl.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.


LILIT (as Xianna): I think it will be fine, and that would make me feel a lot better. So let’s go get the pizza cones, and we’ll eat them on the way over, and then we’ll just like bust in the windows and rough up the place.

NICK: So we cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight back in front of the Songbird, or the Blue Bantha, whatever it’s called.

CAMERON: Or the Bluebird.

NICK: Or the Bluebird. Standing in front of the door. There’s a large bouncer standing in front of the doorway, and as you approach you’re holding your pizza cones and the bouncer politely taps a sign next to the door that says “no outside food or drink” and just waits politely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, looks like I gotta finish this one. Wanna race?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

LILIT: Xianna is just eating the pizza cone while just staring the bouncer straight in the eyes.

[menacing music begins]

NICK: The bouncer stares back and tries to be tough, but as the pizza cone disappears much more quickly than one would expect you can see that he looks more and more concerned at how quickly Xianna is able to eat this pizza cone. Not even noting all the weapons and armor that you all are wearing.

[menacing music ends]

HUDSON: I say…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahem.

HUDSON: …to the bodyguard, and he gives me a look, and I’m looking back into his eyes, and I’m eating the pizza cone too and trying to do better than Xianna, so I put my mouth wide open and stuff the pizza cone in it and I start sucking down the sauce like a child suckling at their mother’s teat.



HUDSON: Just to like, intimidate, you know?

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!


## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 24 Phantasm Fun

PDF download: S2 Episode 24 Phantasm Fun

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 24:
Phantasm Fun

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

No real announcements for this week, so I just want to thank everyone for listening and remind them to leave a review on their podcatcher of choice if they haven’t already. Thank you everyone for your continued support of Tabletop Squadron.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 24 of Tabletop Squadron, your best source for tactics and…


NICK: …and everyone saying the Owen Wilson “wow.” Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow~



NICK: Our two biggest contributions to the internet space are wows and tactics. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Wow~! I’m Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright~

NICK: No, that’s the other guy.

LILIT: That’s a different person.

HUDSON: Oh, whoops.

LILIT: That’s Matthew McConaughey.

HUDSON: Oh… Oh! Owen Wilson—

NICK: I wish everyone could see the face that you made when you said “whoops” really non-convincingly.


LILIT: You thought I was lying to you.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very emotionally drained Nautolan bounty hunter.


NICK: Makes sense. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: [laughing] Two dark side.

NICK: Appropriate.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Great, so two dark side, three light side?


HUDSON: Correct.

[slinky music begins]

NICK: When we last left  you all, Karma had a very emotionally draining conversation with Keer, the father of her children. Tink and Xianna and HK did some looking back in time to figure out the source of who threw up next to the hot tub as well as doing some nice hot tubbing. You all prepared in your own special way for the mission that had been requested of you by Keyna, the singer in the Songbird jizz club, and you all went to get popsicles. That’s where we’re gonna start off.

We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight crouched behind a pile of trash. They are overlooking a rusted building nestled against a larger skyrise. The Kemslingers have hulled up in an old garage right at the perimeter of the lower levels. You know if you go much deeper Coruscant starts to become wilderness.

The cleaning crew and planetary upkeep teams only go so far. You run into hiding places, strange creatures, toxic swamps, all sorts of things that happen when a city has grown so large that no one knows where the bottom is. This is just past that line. You can actually see the part of the street where the cleaning droids stop and retreat to higher levels.

The garage itself is dusty and looks abandoned from the outside. There’s very little activity, and chunks of totaled speeders dot the front. There’s a single metal door inset in front of the building between two rusted garage doors that look like they wouldn’t open unless you hit them with a thermal detonator. We can see that Tink, Xianna and Karma are each holding a slightly melted popsicle while they stake out their target.

HUDSON: I take a look at my grape popsicle and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey HK, I know we’re behind some trash, so you must feel right at home, huh? Ha-ha.

[slinky music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, are you negging me in an opportunity to make me want to hang out with you more?

HUDSON (as Tink): [embarrassed] No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds like a yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, I wasn’t very popular growing up and now I’m trying to do what they did to me. Seeing if it works. I read this book online—

LILIT (as Xianna): You need to stop reading random books you just find.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, that’s called bullying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not good.

NICK (as HK): Your tactics will not work. You cannot hurt my feelings, Tink, because I do not have any.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… that’s sad.

NICK (as HK): However, sometimes I do search for vengeance. I suggest you watch yourself.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I feel like vengeance is an emotion, you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think vengeance is like right beside hunger on the emotion scale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hunger is an emotion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Physically hungry, but also emotionally hungry, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Emotionally hungry.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very similar to being angry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Hangry, angry…

LILIT (as Xianna): Revenge!

HUDSON (as Tink): …same root word.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. But anyways.

CAMERON: Karma makes a face and eats her ocean water popsicle.

LILIT: Xianna waves her pineapple popsicle around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Are we just going to run in there and kill them? Steal the object and just leave it at that? Or, what else do we do?

[slinky music returns]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I have a plan. I recently saw a movie that inspired me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we send in Creamsicle through the roof, through the vents, to start causing a little bit of mischief around the garage such as having a pack of blood just ooze from one of the vent openings or maybe have a clamor in the far part of the garage where no one’s been for a long time, or maybe having spills or oil just fly out of cars because Creamsicle will be in the car throwing things around and—

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you suggesting that we fake a ghost haunting so that they will get scared and leave?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly what I’m suggesting. You are in tip-top shape today, mentally. I applaud you, and I think we should then come to the front door and pretend like we are a ghost hunting crew that can help them find out the effects of the ghost, what kind they are, what their hobbies and interest are, how extreme they are, if they’re like extreme with one X or two Xs or three Xs, you know, the levels, and see if we can scare them out of their place like you mentioned.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve been staying up too late watching all the ghost hunter shows, haven’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No-no.

LILIT: Xianna holds out her palm, like open-handed.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think Tink has a good idea, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): To answer your question, Karma, it was a movie. It was called Ghost Hunters.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a miniseries special based on the TV show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, whatever form of media I consumed I sure did consume it, my boy.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But I think the base idea is good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like what if instead of setting everything up and doing all the sneaking and having to kill people… that’s so much work, what if we just make them think it’s haunted? And they just leave? And somebody else was killing them anyways, so maybe they will be extra scared and, you know, run away, and we don’t have to do any heavy lifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can Creamsicle write in English?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have tried that, but she can carry a bag of blood.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is confirmed.

HUDSON (as Tink): So we can maybe write the blood message when we’re in there investigating.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): You are very specific that Creamsicle can carry a bag of blood. Where have you been finding bags of blood?

[slinky music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t ask questions, HK. Mind your own business.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you would ask me why I would be interested in bags of blood. It’s just idle curiosity.

LILIT (as Xianna): We all know you are interested in bags of blood, HK! You talk about it all the time!

NICK (as HK): I am interested in tubes of blood. Tubes of blood.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just walk in while we are eating our cereal and you go “ello, has anybody had a bag of—or a tube of blood today?” And we have to tell you no every single day.

NICK (as HK): I disagree with that assessment, as I have never said “ello” in my life.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what I mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, check that off your bucket list. You just did that.

NICK (as HK): Kriff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ha-ha! If the vents are big enough for me to fit in as well, we can put a clear paint finish on their walls, in English, and then Creamsicle can spill the bag of blood when they are actually there, and then they can’t hear me in the vents because it’s Creamsicle. She’s so much smaller, makes no sound.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a good idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. This is coming together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do not see how this is less work. I do think just breaking in and starting shooting is a bad idea, because we don’t know how many people are in there and what their arsenal looks like, but we know they’re probably well-armed because they’ve been being hunted and their gang members…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s less work.

CAMERON (as Karma): How?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because one, we already have speakers that we can set up to pump in spooky sounds. We have spooky sound music already from that one dinner party we threw. We have the bags of blood. We have the weird paint finish—don’t ask why I have it—that will cause the blood to form letters. And this way nobody gets shot at.

NICK (as HK): Karma, it is like you say, even though this may take more physical effort than merely killing the organics, if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.

[slinky music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also it would just be funny, yes. HK has a point. It’s funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): You could come up with a persona!

LILIT (as Xianna): Theoretically they will be scared and we never have to actually go in as ghost hunters, only if some of them don’t want to leave. But this is just funnier and then none of us get shot at, because I don’t like that, because then Tink gets weird with the pretending he is a doctor thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… I’ll just ignore that last part.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not your doctor. You refuse.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. You are not my doctor or anybody’s.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Karma, are you convinced?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really, but knock yourselves out, kids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I was about to have to make a huge deal about how this may or may not be a democracy within our group and so we would have to vote, but I’m glad I don’t have to do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do this, and if worse case it fails then we can just go in and shoot them I guess. But this way nobody gets shot at.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, backup plans are backup plans. What is everyone’s fake personas?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a spooky ghost. Woooo~!

HUDSON (as Tink): That is not a fake persona. We’re knocking on the door. We can’t say “here’s our ghost.”

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] “Hello, I hear you’re haunted. We brought a ghost with us.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I won’t be at the door. I will be in the vents.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh no-no-no, this is a good ghost. You have the bad ghost in there.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Be rattling things around and cutting eyeholes out of their paintings. They probably don’t have any paintings in their terrible gang garage, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): They could have posters.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can cut the eyes out of the posters. Hopefully there are people on the posters and not just speeders or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Okay, so you do want to be a ghost, just to be clear?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured I will be in their vents placing all of this stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): That works out. Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): I suppose I am the muscle for this ghost hunting crew.

NICK (as HK): But what will the name of your alternate personality be?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Daphne Blake.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a good one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am gonna be… Reverend Daniel Bearback. You can call me Rev. Bearback.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you can have that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we have explained this before. There are connotations to that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like the bear, like rawr. You know?

[slinky music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): There are connotations with that name. If you are okay with those connotations, fine, but I warned you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. I’ll come up with a different name.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as HK): My name will be Cogster Johnson… ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good. Very good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Cogster… [laughs] Wait, Cogster Johnson?

NICK (as HK): Cogster Johnson, ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, I’m going to place speakers into their garage and then I’m going to give everybody the other end so everybody can make different types of spooky ghost sounds. Well maybe not you, HK, I don’t know if they would believe that a droid died and decided to haunt their place.

NICK (as HK): This is probably a fair assessment. I will focus on the assassin part of this mission.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, got my persona. I am going to be Reverend Connor Suckerpunch. Now, it’s Reverend Suckerpunch, because my move when I exorcise the ghost is to sucker punch them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, that makes sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convenient that you ended up in a profession that you could tie it to your name so well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK: So it sounds like you have a plan to create a fake haunting in this garage, to such an extreme that these hardened criminals flee forever, thus destroying their organization. Is that accurate?

LILIT: Correct.


LILIT: And I would like to flip a light side point to say that we just have all of these supplies, for some reason.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Any of the supplies we need to create this haunting are somehow on the ship.

NICK: I think there’s a combination of them being on the ship or really easy to get at a corner store or something. We don’t have to go through procuring the basics.

LILIT: I just want a whole bunch of special effects just in the ship for some reason.

NICK: We can do that. That’s worth a light side point. But I do want to know where the blood came from.

HUDSON: It came from Cheapo Mart. [musically] Cheapo Mart, buy our shit. It’s cheap. La-la-la.

CAMERON: [snickers] Good jingle.

LILIT: Let’s see… Oh, Xianna stumbled upon an illegal blood bank and decided to steal all of that blood. It wasn’t viable anyways, but it will be good for arts and crafts.

NICK: Okay. Good to know.

CAMERON: Wow. [laughs]

NICK: So, what is Step 1 of this plan to make the garage appear haunted? What are you doing first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Creamsicle, go forth!

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna go into the vents with Creamsicle and set everything up that she can from there.

NICK: Okay. I need two things from you. I would like you to do a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty to find the best way to get through their security and into the vents. Then after that, assuming that goes well, it will determine how hard your Stealth check is to put stuff everywhere without getting caught.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we staked the place out and have a better idea of when they will be there and when they won’t?

NICK: Yeah, for sure, and because you’re not really in a rush on this, so you can take your time.

LILIT: I got six successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wow. So this place has large vents that crisscross through the ceiling. It has a fake drop ceiling that you’re able to climb through as well, so you don’t need just the vents. This building is tucked against another building, but how do you get up on the roof and into the building without being seen? With that many successes I think part of your Skulduggery is you’re definitely in the building. The Stealth check will just be for setting things up.

LILIT: I think in this part of Coruscant there’s probably a lot of smog and smoke and various things from manufacturing plants and other industries, so Xianna just waits for a moment when the smoke is heavier at night and uses that to blend in and sort of stay close to the buildings and gets onto the roof of the adjacent building and sort of army crawl sneaks over to the actual garage.

NICK: Okay. There are stacks of crates and speeder parts, so you’re able to climb up onto the roof of the garage if you want, and there’s a big open vent that looks like it rusted apart a long time ago. So you’re able to get into the building.

LILIT: Yes, and then once inside the building Xianna will go through the vents and place tiny little speakers onto the grates in various places and a few tiny little projectors as well, in one or two of the vents, and will wait for them to leave the room. Once that has been done will exit out of the vents and take a bit of clear unobservable paint that is hydrophobic and paint “LEAVE NOW” in big spooky letters on one of the walls that is below a vent. And also just steal a few things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] And also steal a few things. Great.

LILIT: Just for fun. [laughs]

NICK: For doing that with how well you cased the joint and how prepared you are, make me an average Stealth check to get everything just so and exactly where you want it, but you will have a black die because you’ve never been here before.

LILIT: I can add a blue die per rank of Stalker to all Stealth and Coordination checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Alright, I have a triumph with its success and two advantages.

NICK: Nice. What additional thing do you find out with this triumph or what cool thing do you steal?

LILIT: Hmm… Xianna steals somebody’s very nice pocket watch that definitely has an engraving on it from some relative, assumedly dead relative. Xianna takes that. Do we wanna say maybe they have computers pulled up with all of their criminal activity? Can Xianna find out all of their criminal activities?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: Great. What are their criminal activities?

NICK: So, you drop down into this garage and you’re painting a spooky message on the wall in clear paint, and there’s several data banks up against the wall. They look a lot newer than the rest of the garage, still not in the best repair but not original parts to be sure. Some of the screens are still on and functioning, and you can see kind of like a little black book program of various transactions that they’ve been doing, and they’ve been doing some pretty bad stuff.

It looks like since they were kicked out of the, as it references in the notes, Blue Bantha Jizz Club that the Kemslingers have leaned really heavily into trafficking drugs, but before they used the club to get their clients and now since they have less clients they’re cutting it with stuff that’s potentially poisonous. They’re being a lot less safe and they’re kinda screwing over their customers.

In addition to that, you can see that they occasionally will kidnap people off the streets of Coruscant and sell them to Hutts out of the system. It doesn’t appear that they have anybody right now, but they’ve been stealing people, which is pretty messed up, and that seems to be where they’re getting a majority of their money.

So, you’re able to jump back up into the vent before people go by.

LILIT: Xianna gets back out and hands the pocket watch to HK and asks HK to redo the engraving on the pocket watch. If it says like “yours forever” have HK re-engrave out onto the sides of it so it says like “your soul shall forever be mine” and make it very creepy.

NICK: Heh. HK takes the pocket watch and says:

NICK (as HK): This is funny, because it will terrify somebody with a personal artifact of theirs.

NICK: There’s a click in his wrist and a very thin blade seems to fountain up and then solidify and he starts with mechanical precision to etch the words in. He even matches the font. It looks like it’s always like that. Then, HK stops for a second and says…

NICK (as HK): Wait.

NICK: …and starts to carve on it again so now the letters look all drippy too.

NICK (as HK): Hopefully this will cause an organic some extreme distress.

NICK: And hands it back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. This is very good.

LILIT: Then Xianna hands it to Creamsicle, and Creamsicle runs back off into the vent, hopefully to put it back where it was found.

NICK: Hard to tell with Creamsicle. Maybe. Maybe Creamsicle will go eat snacks out of the kitchen. So, that was the first thing. You’ve really set the stage with scary microphones, tiny projectors aimed at mirrors, and a potential invisible ink on the walls. What else are you going to set up?

HUDSON: I go to the control panel outside the building that’s connected to the energy source of the building, and I make it so that the lights will flicker on and off and on and off randomly for the next few hours.

NICK: Alright. I think with how well Xianna skulduggled the place you’re able to get right up next to it without having to be particularly sneaky. She’s identified all of the proper approaches that won’t be observed. So, I just need a hard slicing check from you, but you can have a blue die because Xianna did see their computer systems unlocked and was able to tell you that not all of them are currently password protected so it’ll be easier to get in.

LILIT: I tell you the make and model so you can know if there are any pre-programmed backdoors or anything.

NICK: “Oh, they’ve got an Omega3 tower? You just elbow it like Fonzie and go ‘aaay.’”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: You just go into Programs, File, 64, File again…

HUDSON: Definitely Not Porn folder, and then you’re in.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Two successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. So the lights will now flicker on and off dramatically at the appropriate times. I think you’re also able to discover quite a bit of other information and maybe do something else with their systems that’s gonna make their life harder with five advantages. What do you think that would be?

HUDSON: I take down their website and chatroom.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. They had one of those forums that they use to recruit people over time and it’s just totally gone and replaced with just the color green. Just the whole screen is this particular shade of green. You go there and it just is one color, no font, nothing.

CAMERON: “Sorry boss, SpacerSoft is having an outage.”


NICK: Their online communications are shut down as well. They’re not going to be reaching outside of their building using the Holonet. Do you also hack the thermostat?

HUDSON: Yes, I hack the thermostat so that it gets very cold in random places in the building.

NICK: Okay. Karma, what is your plan to make this garage seem even more haunted?

CAMERON: So, the first thing Karma does is goes and picks up a cheese pizza for everybody.


CAMERON: Because we’ve been sitting here watching all day, so we’re hungry.

NICK: Yeah, it’s pretty late after dinner time by this point.

CAMERON: And we were just talking about hunger being an emotion and everyone realized that they were indeed hungry, so accomplished a pizza first.

NICK: Y’all have had pizza three times in three meals.

CAMERON: False! Those were pizza cones beforehand.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: In the middle. So it was pizza, then two pizza cones, and then pizza again.

LILIT: Well, popsicles and then pizza.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Oh, that totally resets the counter.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: It does, yeah. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Completely different. Popsicles are a fruit.



NICK: So we get a quick scene of you all sitting with your backs to a dumpster just eating a pizza together and then tossing the box into the dumpster and getting back to work.

CAMERON: Yup. Then Karma goes over, I’m guessing it’s probably near where Tink was accessing the electric controls for the building, and has to dig a little bit at the base of the building with her knife but then has a wire that she pulls out slightly and has a blade set against it so she can cut the phone line.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Very cool. So, this garage is primed and ready to be very spooky very quickly. You all were extremely successful. Turns out setting up a fake haunting is well within your skillset. I’m as surprised as—well, I would say surprised as y’all are, but this was your idea, so I guess I’m surprised as the audience is.

I think the best way to show how successful this is… is to get it from the perspective of the people inside the building, so we’re going to switch to the Kemslingers who are hanging out in this garage waiting for their next big deal, and I want you all to play a Kemslinger as the haunting starts to happen. So, we’ll go around the table and everybody introduce your Kemslinger and what they look like and what their name is.

HUDSON: I’m a Human named Angry Albert. They call me Angry Albert because, uh… I have a bit of a temper.

NICK: What does Angry Albert look like?

HUDSON: Angry Albert has a bowl cut, wears a bowtie, every now and again wears suspenders… and boots.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: [in a sort of old timey gangster voice] He sounds like this! I just oughta—well, I just wallop them in the face, you know?!

NICK: I love it. Great.

LILIT: I will be playing a Chadra-Fan named Big Joe.

NICK: Okay, so you’re a very small cute bat person named Big Joe.

LILIT: Yes, but they have a scar running across one of their eyebrows and eyes so that you know they’re hardcore.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

HUDSON: How tall is Big Joe?

LILIT: Like three feet tall.


LILIT: Like one meter.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: At most. Big Joe is not very big.

CAMERON: I will be playing an Anselmi…

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: …named Darla Rockthrower.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, Anselmi are the other main species that live on Glee Anselm, and they hate Nautolans, because the Nautolans live on turtles in the ocean and for some reason the Anselmi decided to live on land and there’s not a lot of that on Glee Anselm.

HUDSON: I know how you got your name.

CAMERON: Noun Verber?!

HUDSON: Yes! But, you were known as a child growing up as the kid who threw rocks at trains.

CAMERON: [laughs] I’ve been bad since I was 6, throwing rocks at trains. The Anselmi kind of look like spiky turtles. They’re still amphibians, but they look more reptilian than Nautolans do.

[slow guitar music begins]

NICK: So, it’s a normal day in the Kemslinger hideout. You’ve just made a reasonably big deal selling off some of your inventory that you cut with cleaning supplies to make sure that it could hit all of your customers. You’re pretty sure you didn’t cut it too much to where people will get sick, but eh, who cares. You’re all standing around in the garage just celebrating your victory and having a good time.

HUDSON (as Albert): Hey Big Joe, why do they call you Big Joe? You’re  not very big at all!

LILIT (as Joe): If you ask me that one more time I will stab  you.

HUDSON (as Albert): If you stab me I’ll just stab you right back, I tell you what!

LILIT (as Joe): You would never catch me. I’m too fast for you, Angry Albert.


HUDSON (as Albert): I bet your bottom dollar you ain’t at all!

LILIT (as Joe): I’ll fucking stab you in the bottom.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Albert): [grits his teeth and makes angry noises]

NICK: There is a very muscly Human with a shaved head and a big purple facial tattoo on half of his face that walks into the room.

NICK (as boss): Angry Albert, you get it together. Stop threatening to stab anybody that’s in our group. There’s not that many of us left.

HUDSON (as Albert): Say that again and I’ll stab you.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait a second, boss. Um… if we cut all the products with the cleaning supply, what are we gonna use to clean?

NICK (as boss): It’s funny to me that you suggest we clean at all. This place hasn’t been cleaned in years.

NICK: Camera sweep to all the dust and dirt and rust all over the place.

NICK (as boss): That was Rockthrower’s job.

LILIT (as Joe): I didn’t ever plan on cleaning, I was just saying like… hypothetically.

NICK (as boss): We’ll go buy more cleaning supplies when we get more product. You know how this works. We’ve done it forever.

HUDSON (as Albert): [fuming] Ugh, the bathroom is just filthy! What if I wanna bring someone back here? You know, like a hot date or something. You know what I mean? I just oughta… [stammers] I’d clean it myself, but I don’t want to. Ugh.

[slow guitar music ends]

LILIT (as Joe): The fast food place down the street has an open bathroom!

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbling] Alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Just use that bathroom.

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Or just don’t bring dates back here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Well some of them wanna see my badass hangout.

LILIT (as Joe): You’re just trying to give them drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): They’re trying to get drugs for free?

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah!

NICK (as boss): I hate to tell you, Angry Albert, but they’re absolutely trying to get drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): That gal Melinda though.

LILIT (as Joe): And you can’t give them drugs for free, we gotta sell drugs to the community.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): We provide a vital service.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as boss): Wait. Shut up. Do you hear that?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Hear what?

NICK (as boss): What’s that noise?

LILIT (as Joe): That was Albert!

HUDSON (as Albert): It was not me.

NICK (as boss): No, not Albert.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, now I think I heard that.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Albert, was that your stomach?! Please say it was.

HUDSON (as Albert): N-No, I haven’t eaten in a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] Leave now~

HUDSON: Tink gets on the mic.

HUDSON (as Tink): [ghostly voice, hums ‘The Longest Time’ tune]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] I shall feast on the souls~

NICK (as boss): Did you… Did you see that? There’s something… There’s something moving somewhere in here. The rest of the guys are in the other area, but I can still see movement.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, I think it’s over there.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?

NICK (as boss): No, it’s behind you.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?! [frantic noises] What, where?! I looked. I don’t see nothing.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: And the lights begin to flicker, and you can see your breath in front of your faces as it gets really cold here in the entryway to the garage.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I promise I paid the electric bill.

NICK (as boss): Yeah, you better have.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I did.

NICK (as boss): I had hoped you hadn’t paid it, because… what else could explain this?!

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t want to be the first one to say it, but I think it’s a ghost.

HUDSON (as Albert): [through gritted teeth] You didn’t wanna be the first one to say it but then you said it.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!

NICK (as boss): [dismissively] A ghost? Really?

LILIT (as Joe): Well, what else do you think it is, boss?

NICK: We hear a light pattering from the vents, and suddenly Zol, the boss, whips around to see a red dark liquid pouring from one of the vents, and it doesn’t completely cover the wall as if being written on by some sort of ghastly fingers.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh my god! I think it says “lea no.” Oh wait, no, it says “leave now.”

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): “Leave!”

LILIT (as Joe): It says “leave now.”

HUDSON (as Albert): Believe? What are we believing?

LILIT (as Joe): Nah, the blood just hadn’t gotten all the way over to the right hand side yet.

HUDSON (as Albert): Oh… Oh, alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Lea no made no sense, but leave now, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

HUDSON (as Albert): I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): Well I am! I don’t wanna get no stabbed by a ghost.

HUDSON: [hums Ghostbusters stinger]

LILIT: [giggles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I don’t think ghosts stab people…

LILIT (as Joe): Well, I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to be around to find out.

HUDSON (as Albert): How could they possibly hold the knife?

LILIT (as Joe): I know they’re incorporeal, but…

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): So poltergeists are different? If it’s a poltergeist it can interact with solids around you.

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah, they like use the power of the Force to lift up the knife and then use it to stab you. … That’s what I would do if I was a ghost.

NICK: A toolbox rattles off of a workbench in the back of the shop with a loud bang.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Ah!

LILIT: Big Joe jumps and points at it.

LILIT (as Joe): See?! This place is fucking haunted! And that ghost is gonna stab us. You know what, if none of you care, I’m gonna call One-Eyed Ted and see what he has to say about this. He’s gonna back me up once he hears about all this.

[eerie music ends]

NICK (as Zol): Make the call.

LILIT: And Big Joe runs over to the telephone that is on the table.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s like an old rotary telephone, too.

LILIT: And dials the number one by one as it is a rotary phone with their little bat fingers.


LILIT: Ring… Ring…

LILIT (as Ted): Yeah?

LILIT (as Joe): One-Eyed Ted, you won’t believe what the fuck is happening down at the garage!

LILIT (as Ted): Ugh. What is happening down at the garage?

LILIT (as Joe): A fucking ghost is haunting the place, and boss and Albert and Rockthrower don’t fucking believe me. But there’s blood on the wall and it says “leave now.” And the lights went out, and shit got moved around, and it’s cold, and not in like a we forgot to pay the electricity bill like that one time and also forgot to threaten the electrician so that they would keep the lights on and stuff. Now it’s all working but it’s cold as Hoth over here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Ted! Ted, do you hear me? You owe me 30 Credits, you motherfucker!

LILIT (as Ted): I definitely do not owe you 30 Credits.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Albert): I can’t hear you, but you better talk about how you’re paying up.

LILIT (as Ted): Big Joe, I can hear Albert, and you gotta tell him that I do not owe him 30 Credits.

HUDSON (as Albert): Turn that rotary phone on speaker, damn it!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Joe): I’m not turning the phone on speaker! It doesn’t have that setting, remember? We pawned that. One-Eyed Ted says that he doesn’t owe you 30 Credits and that it’s a ghost.

LILIT (as Ted): I did not say it was a ghost, but it probably is a ghost. It does sound like you are indeed in the midst of a haunting from a supernatural entity.

CAMERON: The line goes dead.

LILIT (as Joe): [gasps] Oh my god! The line cut out right as he said it was a ghost!

LILIT: And Big Joe is pointing wildly around.

LILIT (as Joe): Right as he said it was a ghost the line went out. See, it’s a fucking ghost, I’m telling you.

HUDSON (as Albert): No proof that that’s no ghost. I gotta get at least one more sign.

LILIT (as Joe): What else do you think there is? It’s already put blood on the walls and make spooky woohoo noises and threw a box and made it cold in here. What else do you want?

HUDSON (as Albert): Well, if you know anything about ghosts, you’d know that they’re going to have a personalized message to you, something that tugs at the heartstrings but in a spooky way.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait, I thought that was the “leave now” in blood.

HUDSON (as Albert): Nah, not personal enough.

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t know, I feel like the blood is pretty personal seeing how it came from a person.

HUDSON (as Albert): No, no-no-no, you need like a personal artifact. See, this watch was passed down through my families through multiple generations.

LILIT (as Joe): yeah, we’ve all fucking seen your pocket watch.

HUDSON (as Albert): I’m saying, if they were to fuck around with my pocket watch—

HUDSON: I open the pocket watch and I see the message.

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers] My pocket watch, it says “yours forever,” but someone, something… now it says “your soul is mine forever.”

LILIT (as Joe): That’s a ghost! See, it’s that personalized message to indicate that the ghost is directly trying to get us!

HUDSON (as Albert): Ghost watch! Ahh!

HUDSON: And I stomp it on the ground, just crack the watch into a million pieces.

LILIT (as Joe): We got any salt? I think we’re supposed to throw it in a circle or something!

HUDSON (as Albert): No-no, behind your shoulder.

LILIT (as Joe): Ah! Rockthrower, find the salt! You can throw it around better. You’re the best thrower out of all of us.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): On it!

LILIT (as Joe): I love selling drugs, and trafficking people, and doing all sorts of other terrible illegal activities, but not if I’m gonna get stabbed by a ghost!

HUDSON (as Albert): Rockthrower, are you petrified?

CAMERON: Rockthrower runs back into the room holding a canister of the Morton’s sea salt, has the thing open and is just waving it around in the air in circles around her head running around the room.

NICK: It gets in Zol’s eye.

NICK (as Zol): Agh! Watch where you throw that stuff. I’m not the ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s the curse of the ghost!

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): but you’re safe now!

LILIT (as Joe): Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not gonna stay here no more.

NICK: So we cut to outside. Xianna and Tink and Karma and HK are back behind the dumpster where they can get a good view of the garage. Karma has run back around and slid back into cover after cutting the phone line. We see Big Joe run out the front door. This small Chadra-Fan with a scary scar over one eye with no weapons, just running with his hands above his head, runs deeper into the Coruscanti night away from the garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got ‘em!

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I am a little surprised that worked on even a single member.

HUDSON (as Tink): Might have to be more convincing for the rest of them.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think if we give it a few more moments the rest of them will also leave.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my reverend persona ready if they don’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can make more spooky ghost sounds. We know some of their names now so we can use that.

CAMERON: From the vents you hear:

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers, frightened] What is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): Tell me what you waaant!

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Your soul~

HUDSON (as Albert): No! No-no-no! You don’t need that. I need that. You don’t need that at all. I definitely need that! Okay. Okay. Ugh. I don’t know why, Rockthrower, this is your fault.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): [indignant] What?!

HUDSON (as Albert): And I’m getting out of here. It’s your fault! You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): How?!

HUDSON (as Albert): You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): What?! No I do not.

HUDSON (as Albert): Why are they here then?

NICK: Albert breaks and runs for the front door, and we cut outside to seeing this Human with a bowl cut running the same direction as Big Joe, and he’s yelling “it’s all Rockthrower’s fault!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: As he runs deeper into the Coruscant night.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you, it is working. We have to just let it simmer and marinate and have time to develop.

CAMERON: Rockthrower sets the salt container on a table.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I’m just gonna go catch them… and I’ll bring them back.

NICK (as Zol): You’re coming back, right?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Oh definitely, yeah. Yeah. I’m just gonna go—I have to go get them.

NICK (as Zol): It would be so embarrassing if my three top lieutenants were to leave because of this ghost situation.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Of course! Yeah, no, totally not gonna happen, boss. Definitely will be right back. Just as soon as I get Albert and Joe we’ll be right back.

[someone makes ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Yeah… later!

NICK: Zol jumps and looks at the vents where the noise is coming from.

NICK (as Zol): This is getting out of hand.

NICK: And we see Rockthrower kick open the front door and yell “wait for me” and go running off into the night as well.

LILIT: Xianna does a little fist pump into the air.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Ah-ha! I told you. We got three of them to leave. The ghost plan is incredibly effective.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 23 Let’s Get A Caf

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 23:
Let’s Get A Caf

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

The only announcement I have for this week is: I want to say that Keyna, the Fosh jizz singer from last episode, is a patron-created NPC. Agent Sid, thank you for your long-time support of the show and for making such a fun character for us to play with. We will be seeing Keyna again soon, and we’re all very excited.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 23! Really moving right along at a fancy clip at this point. Thanks for sticking with us. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello, I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Nice. So it’s three light side, one dark side?


NICK: Perfect. When we last left off, you were all sitting on a curb eating pizza cones having figured out where the gang, the Kemslingers, are located. But that was last night. This morning the sun is rising over a smoggy Coruscant. Karma, you’ve gotten up especially early for your meeting with Keer who you haven’t seen since you were 16. What does your morning routine look like, and has anything changed on account of this meetup?

[peaceful morning music begins]

CAMERON: I think the only real thing that’s changed is that Karma doesn’t arm herself quite so heavily as she normally would. But, she gets up… I feel like Karma’s the type of person to do some stretches right when she’s waking up, kinda get limber for the day. Take a shower. Brush her head tails?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Get dressed, just her standard every-day armor, and then probably just does all of the smaller weapons and doesn’t take the carbine and the sword.

NICK: Okay, so you have between three and seven pistols currently.


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then dramatically ties the headband on and is ready to go out into the world.

[peaceful music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, you had a long night including a speed-run through several bars collecting data. What does your early morning look like?

LILIT: At the moment Xianna is nowhere to be found on the ship, just silent, like a ghost. Not like the ghost in Sabos’s room though, that ghost is quite loud. Xianna is not missing, just nowhere to be seen.

[peaceful music returns]

NICK: So we see a shot of Xianna’s room. The bed is unmade, but it’s quiet. There’s no one there. Tink, it’s bright and early, and the crew has no definite plans until at least this afternoon when you plan to attack the hideout of the Kemslingers. What are you up to?

HUDSON: In the morning, and my alarm goes off, it’s the sound of a rooster that then breaks down into a guitar solo.

[peaceful music is interrupted by rooster crowing and replaced by rock music]

As that happens, automatically the lights in the room slowly come on like a sunrise.

[peaceful morning music returns]

I get up and I stretch my arms and I yawn, and I walk over to go get some… water for breakfast.

NICK: As you leave your quarters you run into Karma who is on her way out of the ship. The landing ramp has just been lowered.

[peaceful music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, it’s your special day~ … -te.

CAMERON (as Karma): No… No.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not a special daaate?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. We discussed this last night, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): You can’t tell love when to find you. It’ll just find you.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like I can tell love not to find me, though, in particular instances.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love is a sneaky mistress.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good luck with your… meeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you… Have a good morning.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks.

NICK: We see Karma walk down the landing ramp and the ship closes, and Tink, you have the ship to yourself. We cut ahead to Karma approaching the coffee shop. The sun has brightened, but it still struggles to pierce the smog. You’re on a high enough city level where you can see the open sky and are near to an air cleaning tower which causes the nearby area to be more humid than normal for Coruscant. You can see why Keer likes this place. What do you think the coffee shop looks like? Is it large, busy, tucked out of the way?

CAMERON: Probably if it is a chain it’s like a small local family… like it may have multiple locations, but isn’t like a big corporate chain stretching over the galaxy. I think their goal with this coffee shop was just to make it as cozy and comfortable as possible so that you just never leave and just keep drinking coffee for forever. So lots of squishy booths, really comfy-looking chairs with really fancy big backs, probably some swing chairs on the patio.

NICK: You enter the coffee shop and the door rings a cheerful bell. There aren’t very many people here. This place has only been open for a little while. Behind the counter you can see several espresso machines and caf makers, and there’s two Devaronians, a man and a woman, making coffee and in between them making the more fancy lattes and things is a Herglic who takes up a large amount of the real estate. The Herglic waves you in and gives the general gesture for “take a seat wherever you like.”

CAMERON: Karma goes to probably a table that is one of the booths and sits on the side where she is facing the door. It’s probably towards the back of the restaurant.

NICK: Okay. The Herglic walks over and says:

NICK (as Herglic): Normally you would have to order up at the counter, but you’re the only one here right now, so… what can I get you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Could I just have a plain cup of caf, please?

NICK (as Herglic): Yep, absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks.

NICK: So we get a scene of Karma sitting there at this table. She gets her coffee, and it’s quiet, and some people come and go. It’s got that nice comfortable coffee shop murmur. What is Karma thinking about right now? How does she look?

CAMERON: So, probably to anyone who doesn’t know her, probably just looks bored and like she’s waiting for someone. People who know Karma will recognize the small alterations in her gestures and behavior that means that she is stressed, but it’s in a calm way. We’re not panicking, but there’s a lot going on in her head. She’s sitting there, got the caf on one side, sipping it occasionally, has her data pad out, swiping through family photos, and then will occasionally set the tablet down and just hold both hands around the caf mug. Just kind of alternating between those three activities.

NICK: You’re looking through the tablet when the door jingles. I think every time the door opens you look up kind of nervously. And in comes Keer. He looks very familiar. He looks different than he did last night, more formal. He’s wearing his uniform, his head tentacles are tied back, and he smiles brightly at you as he walks over and he slides in.

NICK (as Keer): So, what are you drinking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Caf? Just caf.

NICK (as Keer): Just plain caf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Okay. I think I’ll have one of the same.

NICK: And he gets up and heads to the counter to order. We’re gonna jump back to the ship. Tink, what are you up to on the Afternoon Delight? Xianna is nowhere to be found. Karma is off on a special meeting. You have the ship pretty much to yourself except for HK, and he mostly leaves you alone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, I have the ship to myself…

HUDSON: I rip out a fart.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [makes a long fart sound]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… that was good. Alright, what do I do now? Oh, it’s Monday!

HUDSON: Tink walks over to a TV screen in his room and he lays out his mat and he sits crisscross and hits the remote to turn on the TV. It’s his weekly yoga session. He does it to keep his pelvic floor firm and strong.

CAMERON: [snickers]

[meditation music begins]

NICK (as TV): Hello, and welcome to Galactic Yoga with Pearl Sinestra.

NICK: We see a very long and lanky alien with multiple arms that you haven’t seen anything like it except for this particular program, and her arms are waving like kelp frons in the ocean.

NICK (as Pearl): Are you ready to strengthen your internal muscles and your spirit?

NICK: There’s a long pause while she waits for the audience that she can’t hear, because she’s on TV, to respond.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes… I am.

HUDSON: I take a deep breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): [big raspy inhale]

NICK (as Pearl): That’s great. We’re going to start with one-handed handstands. Please prepare, and make sure you have a crash mat nearby in case you lose consciousness.

NICK: And the music starts to pick up, and we’re gonna cut away from Extreme Spiritual Yoga to Karma again at the coffee shop.

[meditation music ends]

Keer is stirring his coffee and fidgeting. You all have been making small talk for a few minutes.

NICK (as Keer): So… how’s life? We haven’t seen each other in so long. I was hoping to catch up a little. What have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so… like I said last night, I’m a bounty hunter, so doing a lot of bounty hunting. I got a crew that I’ve been traveling with for a while now.

NICK (as Keer): Hunting bounties?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, in our free time, yeah.

NICK (as Keer): So what has the crew been working on? Are you in shipping? Are you in transportation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… let’s say treasure hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, that’s interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s probably the best descriptor I’m gonna be able to come up with. Treasure hunting with a side of bounty hunting if they happen to be near treasure.

NICK (as Keer): Soldier of fortune type. That’s pretty cool. That’s extremely cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. It’s been fun. It’s interesting. It keeps me on my toes.

NICK (as Keer): So how long have you been doing this? Last I saw you, you were working at security.

CAMERON (as Karma): This meaning bounty hunting or this meaning the treasure hunting, bounty hunting combo?

NICK (as Keer): Both really. I’m just interested to hear what’s happened since we parted ways.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the treasure hunting slash bounty hunting combo… about a year?

NICK (as Keer): Sounds like a pretty long employment, but when did you start bounty hunting in general?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so I started apprenticing about 10-11 months after the last time I saw you, I guess. A year-ish. So, started my apprenticeship when I was 17? So a good long while, on the bounty hunting front.

NICK (as Keer): Seems… a little hypocritical of me, I guess, to say that that’s a dangerous job considering I’m in security for the senator. Ugh, whoops, “former” senator. The Senate’s not really a thing anymore, but they don’t like me to call them anything else. They’re still important, you know, since the Senate’s been abolished.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): But seems like a dangerous thing that you’re doing. What made you decide to become a bounty hunter? You had your whole career in front of you. You could have done anything. What put you down that path?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so during my security internship I realized that I was good with a lot of the more weaponry and physical combat areas of the security job, so bounty hunting uses a lot of those same skillsets. I don’t know, it seemed a lot more flexible and freeing and independent, I guess. I felt like I had a lot more control. I could accept the jobs that I wanted. I could decide not to take a job for a while. If I had gone into security that’s not really an option of just “I don’t feel like protecting someone today,” so I needed that flexibility and the freedom there.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that makes sense. You’re pretty independent. That became pretty clear when you never talked to me again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, that summer kind of ended with you saying “hey, it’s been great, you’re cool… hopefully we can stay friends,” which kind of felt like a dismissal, so I kinda just went with it.

NICK (as Keer): I don’t rem—Ugh, maybe I did say something like that. Look, you were smart, you’re still smart, and capable, and impressive. You’re out flying a ship with these terrifyingly competent mercenaries. I didn’t think you wanted to have anything to do with me, so I just gave you an out.

CAMERON (as Karma): It felt very much like a shove out, so…

NICK: We see Keer stirring his coffee faster. He’s only really had one sip of coffee, but he’s still jittery. It looks like he had coffee before he ever even got here. He takes a deep sip to buy himself some time, and we cut back to Tink, the terrifyingly competent mercenary. What ridiculous pose is he in for his internally spiritual yoga?

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel.

NICK: What does that look like? [laughs]

[meditation music returns]

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel is when you have one leg behind your head, dealer’s choice, and you’re trying to rotate slowly while humming to yourself with one hand. You have one leg behind your head for a challenge, the other leg is out for balance, and you’re on one hand spinning onto yourself while humming to yourself.

NICK: The yogi that’s on screen with her multiple arms and willowy frame makes it look really easy. Tink, you have, what, 5 points in Melee?


NICK: So you’re really strong and coordinated, so you’re able to do it, but it looks much more like a feat of athleticism from you, because it is. HK hits a button without announcing himself and your door slides open to show you in this pose.

[meditation music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, who has done this to you? You appear to be in distress.

HUDSON (as Tink): No HK, this is just yoga. It’s supposed to be relaxing.

NICK (as HK): Yoga is a fearsome foe. Where are they? I will strike them down.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, it’s a type of movement. It’s a type of sensual being with one’s self.

NICK: On that note we cut back to Karma. You two have been sitting there in awkward silence, and Keer says:

NICK (as Keer): Okay, so that’s on me, but you could have reached out if you wanted to keep in touch. I gotta say, I’m disappointed.

CAMERON (as Karma): So can we just agree that sometimes teenagers make stupid decisions?

NICK (as Keer): [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): In retrospect.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): And maybe don’t think things through entirely.

NICK (as Keer): I know I wasn’t thinking a lot of things through, but… after I saw you last night I just couldn’t help but think what if we had stayed in touch. You ever think about that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Life would have been very different.

NICK: Karma is looking into the distance and Keer kind of latches onto that.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, so you know, I worked for Luck for a really long time before she retired. She didn’t talk about it very much, because you know her, her professional life was very separated from her personal life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): She has grandkids.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes she does.

NICK (as Keer): And I know they’re not just Kismet’s, because I’ve met her. Your… husband must be very lucky.

CAMERON (as Karma): No husband, actually.

NICK (as Keer): Oh… Oh, okay. Cool. Uh… how are your kids? How old are they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Twenty-two.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two… No, that can’t—That can’t be right. That would put you as having had them when you were like 16.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. That would be accurate. So, good job, math. Yes. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Like around the time that we were together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, after that.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Uh… I guess I’m surprised to hear that you found somebody so soon after we were together. I mean, I know it was kinda like an internship fling, but… it felt special at the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I never said I found someone else after that…

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight to HK and Tink both in ridiculous poses in front of the TV.

[meditation music returns]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I do not understand the benefit of these positions. They are straining my joints.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you had blood you’d understand that blood flow has a lot to do with health.

NICK (as HK): Tink, we both know that I have been trying very hard to collect blood for myself, and I don’t appreciate you rubbing it in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know that’s a sensitive subject. I’m just saying, you wouldn’t understand, and I think we’re going into the downturn of this session. I think it’s about over.

NICK: HK is balanced on one hand and one foot and slowly shifts and then falls with a clank, and then stands up very quickly. Kind of like a cat pretending that nothing bad just happened.

NICK (as HK): I do not understand this yoga.

LILIT: Outside the door in the hallway you hear a:

LILIT (as Xianna): Well of course, HK, you can’t do the yoga. You do not have muscles and regular joints and stuff. It does not work for you.

LILIT: And the camera pans out into the hallway, into the lounge area, focuses onto the hot tub with its cover, and it zooms in through the cover of the hot tub, and we see Xianna is sleeping in a very large inner tube that is almost as big as the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds begin]

The hot tub is running. She has the same shudder shades and beaded necklaces as last night. She now has a Bride to Be sash as while there are some remnants of the pizza cone on the coat that somehow have not washed off into the hot tub. Creamsicle is resting on top of Xianna’s head, every so often scampering down, picking up some crumbs of the pizza cone and running back to nibble on them.

[bubbling sounds end]

NICK: [laughs] HK runs out of Tink’s quarters and to the hot tub and speaks through the lid that is closed.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user Xianna, you appear to be trapped within. Do you need assistance?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I do not think I need assistance. I did this to myself. I can get myself out of it.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

NICK: And HK walks away and seems to move towards a corner for some sort of charging, or maybe he’s just staring at a wall. It’s hard to tell.

HUDSON: Tink walks out of the room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, what are you—Oh! Okay Xianna, I’m not saying this is you, but I just stepped in someone’s pile of vomit that’s right by the hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we both know that I do not throw up like that. I have been in here the whole time. I am so pruney. I am just wrinkles from head to toe. It is unbelievable how pruney I am, because I have been in here so long. That is your vomit.


HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it’s mine either. Who was—HK?

NICK (as HK): Sarcastic Agreement: Yes. I, the droid, threw up organically, like you weak organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK… HK… You must do something for me. You must go onto the ship’s security cameras and play back the footage from last night and see who did the throw up.

NICK (as HK): This seems like an extremely valid use of my time. I will return and report momentarily.

NICK: And HK stalks out of the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK~

NICK: He is clearly stomping and gives a dismissive wave without looking behind him, which you can’t see because you are locked in a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I cannot see HK, but was he giving me a look? It just sounded like he was giving me a look.

HUDSON (as Tink): He gave quite a look, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

NICK: So we cut back to Karma and Keer at the coffee shop, and the coffee has stopped steaming and has been shoved away from Keer, and he’s staring at Karma.

NICK (as Keer): I feel like we’ve been talking around this, and… I would really like to hear you explain what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, I have twin sons who are 22, and you were the only one that I dated that year.

NICK (as Keer): [deep breath]

CAMERON (as Karma): Remember what I said about teenagers being stupid and making choices?

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. I don’t think you get to necessarily blame teenagers when it’s been, uh, 22 years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I’m 100% blaming 16 year old me.

NICK (as Keer): For what?

CAMERON (as Karma): For making the decision that then just continued to get hard and harder and just progressively more difficult to reverse as time went by.

NICK (as Keer): I’m just gonna come out and say it. So the decision was that we—you had kids, I’m the father, and you decided to never tell me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so 16 year old me mostly decided just to never see you again so it would never come up.

NICK (as Keer): But then we saw each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, and it’s coming up.

NICK (as Keer): [laughs uneasily] Phew… this is a lot to take in. Can I see what they look like…? Do you have a picture?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the data pad that was sitting right next to her, presses the button to turn it back on, and it’s on a photo of Karma, Jet and Juke at the most recent Life Day celebration at the Nailo household, and turns it around and slides it across the table towards him.

NICK (as Keer): Oh wow, they’re fully grown. They’re adults. He looks just like you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we get that a lot. The other one looks just like you.

NICK (as Keer): You think so?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): This is a lot to take in. So, did you start bounty hunting to provide for these kids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): And, and… they’re okay? Things are okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, they’re super. They’re both bounty hunters now. It’s kind of a family thing at this point. But yeah, they’re fantastic kids. So, the one on the left is Jet and the one on the right is Juke.

NICK: How is Karma feeling right now?

CAMERON: So this is a conversation that Karma’s known that she needed to have for like 21 years at this point, but it never happened, obviously, before this. But she has been through every possible scenario for how this conversation plays out in her head, probably multiple times at this point.

If we’re going through the flowchart of how the conversation’s going we are currently on the more positive-trending side of the chart, so not as concerned as she could be with how he’s taking it. He seems… He’s taking it at least at a level pace. So, happy about that but also very much hating that this conversation is happening right now.

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight. HK is standing in front of the security feed. Tink, did you go with him or are you still by the hot tub?

HUDSON: I don’t think I went with him. I’m still by the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. He’s standing in front of the small booth where all the security feeds run, and we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight come home after their adventure, and see Xianna step back out of her quarters, still dressed for partying, and leave the ship again without anyone noticing. HK fast-forwards some more until the landing ramp goes down and then presses a button and ejects a holo cube. He says…

NICK (as HK): I think I have discovered what happened.

NICK: …and walks back to the hot tub room and slots the holo cube into a projector which starts to fill the room with what happened when Xianna returned.

LILIT: On this grainy footage we see Xianna stumble in. Xianna now has a gigantic veil, just this huge poofy white and gold veil and a big sash that says Bride to Be, and is stumbling in. Does the video have sound or not?

NICK: Yeah, I think so.

LILIT: And she shouts, off-camera:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie everybody~! It is party time!

[rave music begins]

LILIT: And she claps, and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling, and neon lights start flashing, and the sound system turns on to just a banger of a dance number, and a stream of people come pouring into this room. At least a dozen other people all wearing bridesmaid sashes. There’s somehow three maids of honor and two best men.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: There’s a whole bunch of other people that do not have sashes either, just at least three dozen people are now crammed in this room partying. One of them is dressed as a clown for some reason, and they are having a grand old time. Somebody brings in a keg, and this continues for quite some time. The tape fast-forwards through just this generic partying until it begins to wind down a little bit, and people are kind of one-by-one leaving the party.

At some point the hot tub had been opened up and people were splashing around in the hot tub, having a great time in there. Someone introduces a pool floaty and inflates it up and throws it into the hot tub. Creamsicle is riding it around for a while as it jostles in the jets of the tub, and as there’s only a few people left Xianna gets into the tub, gets into the ring, picks up Creamsicle and sets her on top of herself, and apparently falls asleep since she kind of stops moving and just slowly spins in a circle as the jets push the tube.

The person dressed as a clown comes over to the hot tub and just throws up all over the floor, into the shag carpeting, everything. Takes a few steps back, looks at it, looks around the room and sees that nobody else was looking, and just leaves. The last people to leave press a button on the wall that turns off the light, retracts the disco ball, shuts off the sound system, and raises the cover back over the Jacuzzi.

[rave music ends]

NICK: Then we see fast-forward of the dark room for quite a while and then we see HK run into the room and we are pretty much caught up back to the present as HK turns the projector off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. HK, Tink, there was a clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, I recognize that clown. It’s one of the more popular clowns in this part of the galaxy. It’s Pinkie.

LILIT (as Xianna): What do you mean? Pinkie the clown? I don’t remember that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Somehow you got a top-tier clown artist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure that was the right clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. They also double as a magician. They’re Pankie the magician. It’s weird.

[a cat meows loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. They have a different stage name from when they are a clown and when they are a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I mean, it’s two different personas. You would want different names, wouldn’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait-wait-wait, so it is not the same stage show? It is two different performances on two different nights? Or do you mean it’s like an afternoon matinee performance and then an evening performance?

HUDSON (as Tink): It depends on the gig. I mean, you got him in here. Maybe you have connections now. Look at your phone. Do you have Pinkie in your phone?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have my coms with me.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, we cannot continue this conversation with the lid of a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t see why not. It is perfectly fine. It is dark and warm in here. It is very comforting. But if you insist, you may release me from the hot tub.

NICK: HK presses a button and the hot tub lid slides back revealing Xianna and Creamsicle.

LILIT: A just massive puff of steam releases when the cover is opened up and you can see that the jets have been on this whole time. Creamsicle is entirely wet, just fur slicked down with water.

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Okay… I should maybe get out of the hot tub.

NICK: [smiling] And we jump back to the coffee shop.

NICK (as Keer): So I’m a dad, I guess, right?

CAMERON: Karma’s just kind of like doing shallow nods, kinda just constantly.

NICK (as Keer): You understand this is a lot to take in… You kinda made my decision for me on if I was gonna be around. You know I would have helped. Like, whatever happened between us that’s something I would have done.

CAMERON (as Karma): So me, adult me, now, yes? But let me walk you through 16 year old Karma’s reasoning here.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, that sounds good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That now I’ve been dealing with. So, my internship ended. The last conversation we had seemed very much like a dismissal and a termination of that relationship.

So several months later when I found out that I was pregnant, didn’t reach out at that point probably mostly due to hurt, I think? It transformed probably within those first few weeks after I found out to not wanting to tell you as, I don’t know, some sort of retribution for you hurting my feelings by seemingly just breaking up with me and saying goodbye, and that “hey, it’s been fun,” and just making me not feel… relationship worthy? Worthy of an internship fling, but nothing of a continuation past that point. Not worth keeping up long-distance.

Then, from there, morphed into a determination that I didn’t need help and I could do it myself. I think that was mostly in response to the hurt feelings, me deciding that I could have this kid—and then it turned into kids—on my own, and I didn’t need you to be successful there? And then it kind of stayed in that determined independence phase for a good long while.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well no, not that whole time. I’d say we were probably in that phase of thinking for three years or so, so until they were about two and a half.

So I had started bounty hunting, was still very much set on the being able to do everything myself, which wasn’t true. I had fantastic family support, and my dad and Kismet watched the boys whenever I’d go out on a job, so I wasn’t quite as there as I thought I was. But after that point, started to realize that I probably should tell you. Kept putting it off, because… how do you start this conversation?

By the time I decided that I needed to tell you the twins were like four or five and at that point I’d been keeping the secret for that long, so then just kept putting it off, and then at that point it was like well, they’ve grown up… [chuckles] It was just always easier to just avoid this situation.

NICK (as Keer): What if I hadn’t asked you to get coffee? Would you not have told me?

CAMERON (as Karma): I would have.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that’s reassuring.

CAMERON (as Karma): The thing that was really allowing my continuation of avoidance behavior is that I hadn’t seen you.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I could excuse it away, that the opportunity just hadn’t come up.

NICK (as Keer): And we just happened to run into each other. That’s… well. [exhales] Do they know about me?

CAMERON (as Karma): They know that their father was someone who I saw during my internship.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm. Can I meet them…?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s a conversation I have to have with them first.

NICK (as Keer): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re adults, they can make their own decisions, but I need them to have the information to be able to make those decisions with the full knowledge of everything.

NICK (as Keer): Well, you have my com number now. I gave it to you yesterday. I hope you’ll pass it along to them, and I hope they want to reach out. I would really like to meet them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I don’t know when the next time I’ll see them is, but… when I do I will talk to them.

NICK (as Keer): You’re not gonna wait 22 years?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, waiting until they are 44 seems nice. Good round number.

NICK (as Keer): Karma. Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm?

NICK (as Keer): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m obviously joking.

NICK (as Keer): I know, it’s just… this is a lot, okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): I know. I’m trying to lighten the mood.

NICK (as Keer): It kind of worked. This is… you know, even with all this, it has been really good to see you, but I gotta go. If you’re still in town in a few days maybe give me a call. I’m gonna get out of here.

NICK: He tosses some credits on the table and stands to leave.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: The next thing that we see is Karma boarding the ship. What scene does she see as she comes into the main part of the ship? What are Xianna and Tink and HK doing? [chuckles]

HUDSON: I’m a little bit peeved and making a lot of really wide-ranging gestures at Xianna for throwing a party on our ship while I was sleeping and causing a mess in the shag carpeting.

LILIT: Xianna is currently in the large stand-in hair dryer drying off since she had spent an entire evening in a hot tub and is holding Creamsicle in the bust of her jacket with her hands earmuffed over Creamsicle’s ears so it’s not too loud, and you can just hear over the roar of the dryer Xianna screaming.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear you, Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t you act like you can’t hear me!

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear what you are saying at all! The hair dryer, it is too loud! I have to stay in here until I get not pruney! I can’t hear you!

HUDSON (as Tink): Nothing but excuses from you. Ugh!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not my fault! I have no idea what you are saying, but if you are mad at me about the throw up, remember that I didn’t do it, the clown did!

NICK: Xianna, your lekku are blowing in the dryer up above your head and HK is standing near the onramp as Karma walks in.

NICK (as HK): Karma, I am glad to see you. There has been an incident on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what incident?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t step in it. That incident.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s a pile of vomit over here from an unauthorized, unofficial bachelorette—I don’t know, some type of wedding-related party that came onto our ship that Xianna proctored.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK should be the one who cleans it up, because if you think about it he let me have the party by not keeping tabs on everybody!

HUDSON (as Tink): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): He should have been out on patrol!

NICK: HK makes a frustrated and confused gesture between Xianna and karma and Tink and then throws his hands up and stalks out of the room again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or you can go find the clown! If you find the clown you can make him clean it up!

NICK: On the way out, HK punches the button that turns off the dryer and it sinks back into the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I am still inside the dryer! [becoming muffled] Do not put me up again, that has already happened!


NICK: Does anyone release Xianna?

HUDSON: I go over and release Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink. We would have been trapped in there for a while. So anyways, um… somebody will clean that up. Karma, how did your date with your baby daddy go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, how’d your date go?

CAMERON (as Karma): It was about as awkward as one might imagine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am assuming he did not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just based on everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, big oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed, big oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): Biggest of oofs. But I mean, it went well. Nobody got stabbed, right? Or did you stab?

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re not bleeding.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. No one got stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good. Good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a very positive way to think about it. I’m going to think about it like that now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Any important conversation you have with another person where nobody gets stabbed is good, or even an attempted stabbing. I’m not saying that I have attempted to stab people during conversations, just… it happens, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, it’s kind of a shot in the dark here, but uh… did he understand why you waited so many years to tell him?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Obviously not.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. It was just a slight hope there, not a big chance but I had to ask.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… no, I mean, I explained the stupid decisions that stupid teenagers are prone to make, and then how fixing those decisions just becomes more and more awkward as more time passes… and just not fixing it is the much simpler solution.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes, life lessons for all.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that is the correct life lesson, because that is what I would have said.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I feel like I should not be giving the life lessons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, would  not recommend.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am currently doing that to like at least three people, so… I feel like everybody else should know better.

CAMERON (as Karma): People who don’t know that you have kids with them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I have no kids with nobody.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And nobody has kids with me. Just, I mean like, having important conversations I should be having with people, telling them important things, but just not. Just not ever calling them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like your tax attorney.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have a tax attorney.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not anymore. You stopped calling them.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): And technically she’s dead, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I am technically dead and I have never paid taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would I have a tax attorney?

HUDSON (as Tink): Good point. Good point. Well, I’m glad that you’re alive, neutral to sad that it didn’t go as great as it could have, but I’m happy that you’re okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly do think it went about as well as it could have.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! Celebration popsicles then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. First we will have the popsicles, and then after that we go kill the Kemslingers, okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, them.

CAMERON (as Karma): That will take off some tension. That will make me feel better.

NICK: [laughs] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

PDF download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 22:
And All That Jizz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Stealth Suit Stanley for your review. Thank you for the kind words. It is really good to hear when people enjoy the show.

We also have a new patron to thank. Donald A. Fowler, thank you so much for supporting the show. If you could help us out with something, Falx seems to have wandered off and we get worried when we don’t know what he’s up to. Please track him down for us. I’ll give you some advice. If you sing “dun da-na-na na,” he absolutely can’t resist finishing with “dun-dun!”

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 22. A beautiful night in the Star Wars universe. Welcome to… this adventure. Hello. … We’re all fine here. How are you?

HUDSON: … Who are you talking to?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The audience.


CAMERON: Okay, cool.

NICK: Uh, anyway…

LILIT: He’s talking to the cats.

CAMERON: Are you waiting for them to answer?

NICK: Yeah, like… [stammers] Can you point to the map on where the next adventure is?

CAMERON: [laughing] I was about to say, it’s like Dora the Explorer. “Can you say map?”

NICK: [grinning] I’m your host and game master, Nick!

CAMERON: Good job!

NICK: Thank you.


NICK: Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: [higher pitched] Hi, I’m Fry, and I’m gonna try and eat all the equipment on the sound board.


LILIT: Chew on the little knobs and bat the dice around and get them under the doors and into the vents. You’ll never see them again~

NICK: Fry, put Lilit back on the microphone.

LILIT: Hi, I’m Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Thank you Lilit for setting Fry back on the ground. That had me nervous for a second.

LILIT: Yeah, you know, he was so high up in the air and he’s wiggly. He can really get away from you pretty fast.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] Aiming for those knobs.

LILIT: But it was a very smooth transition there.

NICK: Mm-hmm! Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: [doing the voice] Ha-ho! I’m Mickey Mouse! [mumbles] . Ha-ho!


HUDSON: I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. So, before we start with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: Two light side!

CAMERON: [gasps]

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: That was pretty good. When we last left off you all got pizza, Xianna and Nolaa made out in a bathroom, you learned where a piece of the Shattered Force was—the Space Breaker, and you found out that it was being held by a Fosh that is a jizz singer named Keyna and were given the address of the Blue Bantha jizz club. Small side note, jizz is jazz in Star Wars. Just reminding everyone, when I say jizz think the word jazz and nothing else.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do wish that this was a visual medium so that I could put a little jizz counter in the bottom of a corner and it could ring up every time we say jizz in this episode!

CAMERON: If you’re hanging out in the new episode chat on our Discord right now, please tell us how many times jizz is said in this episode. [laughs]

NICK: That’s very good.


HUDSON: Nick, when is HK gonna do a solo of the famous Chicago song ‘And All That Jizz’?

NICK: HK already did. It actually happened before we started recording.



NICK: So it’s one of the lost files, unfortunately.

LILIT: We weren’t invited to that. We’re not cool enough.

CAMERON: [laughing] It was just Nick sitting in a room by himself singing in the HK voice.

NICK: With the vocoder on. So, with that wonderful image, let’s get into it.

The Blue Bantha jizz club – it’s cutting-edge, fashionable, and nostalgic all at the same time. We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight as they stand in the entrance to the club. The light is low and blue. There is a bar on each side of the room which seats over 50 beings but still gives the impression of being close and homey.

Everybody tell me one thing about the Blue Bantha that sets it apart.

[smooth electronic jazz begins]

CAMERON: In the entryway to the club there is a rather large fountain that has a bantha as the statue in the center of it, and it’s doing the typical cherub pose where the water is coming out of the hands of the bantha. That’s not how banthas stand, but that’s how this one stands. And it is of course in blue marble.

NICK: The interesting thing is it looks like a cheap statue, like this was installed over a previous sculpture at some point in the recent past. The marble doesn’t really match, which gives less of an elegant look than maybe the designer was going for. That’s great. What else?

HUDSON: There are cage dancers, but they are antigravity cages that kinda float around and twist and turn.

NICK: Cool. Yeah, there’s some Twi’leks and some Humans and—

HUDSON: Herglics.

CAMERON: [pleased] Herglics.

NICK: Yeah, and a couple of Herglics in cages, and they’re dancing to the music that’s playing from a location that you can’t quite see, and it very much adds to the décor.

LILIT: There is a second-story floor that has little semi-private booths, and they have very intricate beaded curtains covering them as sort of a little privacy net.

NICK: Oh, that’s very cool. You can see that there are waiters coming in and out of those private booths with very expensive-looking cocktails serving the more VIP clientele. The spiral staircase in the corner that leads up to that floor has a large bouncer standing in front of it. You would assume that getting up there would be a little difficult but worth it, because the view is impeccable.

[music changes to more energetic party jazz]

As you stand, taking this scene in and looking around for a seat, a spotlight pops up and you notice a small stage against the back of the club. Standing on the stage is a Bith playing a kloo horn. The spotlight splits and you see another Bith on a piano as they begin to dance their fingers along glowing keys. Soon the stage is illuminated to show a full band with drums and a jizz box. The song is frantic, dark and energetic like a fresh cup of caf. The announcer’s voice floats over the music.

NICK (as announcer): Please welcome to our stage, the one, the only, Keyna~!

NICK: You see a Fosh, which is basically like a bird person, with black feathers and dark green accent feathers. Her red eyes set off the sequence on her small stylish hat, and her red-fringed flapper dress sways as she walks to the microphone. Her voice quiets the room: smooth, low and sultry as she sings. Her song is about the need to cut loose, drink, and enjoy yourself, and you can see the business at the bar picks up.

CAMERON: So we knew we were coming to a club. Did we dress to come to a club or are we in our standard outfits?

NICK: You see a mixture of people wearing evening wear and people wearing more practical clothes in the Star Wars universe, so you could get away with either. What do you think? Did y’all change?

HUDSON: I have a top hat.

LILIT: [smiling] A top hat? Okay.

NICK: Nice. Got that out of the ship.

HUDSON: The costume closet.

CAMERON: I think karma changed and has removed a good portion of her arsenal.

NICK: Okay, so you have like a thigh holster with a blaster in it or something?

CAMERON: I have a vibro-knife and a hold out blaster.

NICK: Cool. So what are you wearing?

CAMERON: I have to match Tink’s top hat, so… like a black but with a gold glitter to it sheath dress that has a looser fitting cowl at the top across the chest and has quite a flowy skirt so you can’t tell that she has guns attached to her leg, but is still wearing her normal boots.

NICK: What about Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna would keep her main outfit, however she would switch out the normal black fabric belt on the trench coat for a more decorative gold filigree belt.

NICK: Ooh.

[music fades]

LILIT: Then she also has a Twi’lek headdress that is black with some similar gold embroidery that matches the belt.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve still got the trench coat, you’ve just accented it in a more formal fashion.

LILIT: It is hard to get Xianna out of the trench coat. Eh? But there’s also a wink attached to that.


LILIT: Asterisk, it is hard to get Xianna to wear something other than the trench coat is maybe a more accurate statement. Probably keeping the boots, because the boots are a nice black wedged heel with some rainbow oil snakeskin detailing at the top, so they’re already kind of nice.

NICK: Yeah. So, as this song continues, do you head to the bar, do you split up, do you go to try and grab a table? What is the objective here? The person that you came to see is singing on stage, so you’re not gonna necessarily be able to interrupt that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s find a table.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [stilted] We look for an empty table.

NICK: Yeah. As Tink says “let’s find a table,” you can see that there’s a couple of those chest-high tables without chairs around it where you can set cocktail drinks down. It’s mostly standing room in this club except for the VIP booths up top, but there is empty space both at the bar and at one of those little tables where you could get drinks and enjoy the concert if that’s what you wanna do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Waiter! Waiter? Could I get a Shirley Temple, please?

NICK (as waiter): Absolutely.

NICK: The waiter looks around to see if Karma and Xianna want something as well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Diet Coke, please.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as waiter): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, can I get a Naboo martini please?

NICK (as waiter): Of course.

NICK: The waiter walks off. We get this swinging shot of the waiter walking away as this song is continuing. As the song ends there’s a long round of applause. The waiter unobtrusively slides your drinks onto the table without getting in the way of your view of the stage, and the lighting is moody and makes things look a little more monochrome, and the singer segues into a slow sultry ballad.

[gentle music begins]

Her colored feathers that were accenting her mostly dark plumage shift to a deep purple that complement the lighting, and the spell of the music seems to deepen, but you’re able to still look around and kinda analyze the room, see the scene. Do you listen to the rest of the concert or do you try to get any information or anything?

LILIT: Xianna is absolutely gonna case the joint from the table.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So just peering around for exits, for any windows, windows that seem like they would open, windows that don’t seem like they would open. Where are service entrances? How many floors, how many tables, how many workers? What do the bodyguards look like? How big are the bodyguards? Do they look very buff? Do they  have earpieces? Are they on coms? All of that fun information. I assume that would be Skulduggery.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be hard difficulty, though.

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: Wow, you have a lot in Skulduggery apparently.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do. Four successes.

NICK: So you notice a couple of things. On the surface, this bar looks like kind of a dive, the kind of place where they don’t have a lot of security because there’s not really anything to steal, minus the obvious bouncer by the staircase, but you also see that there are things here that are nicer than that.

As you peer closer you do notice that there’s a few security cameras very unobtrusively tucked into the corners, and you see that some of the patrons of this bar are not really watching the show and they’re not really drinking, they’re watching the crowd. So it seems like there’s some security here that isn’t necessarily dressed like security, and those people all look sharp to you. They look like people who have seen conflict and who are ready to throw down if they have to, and you see the obvious bulge of a couple of blasters in their coat pockets.

You do also note that there’s a side exit and it looks like there’s an exit at the back of the stage that would go to some dressing rooms and things, and you can see the service entrance there as well, so you would be able to make your way backstage pretty easily. The other thing you notice is that the bartenders both avoid part of the area under the bar when they’re making drinks like something is stashed there that’s not alcohol, maybe like a blaster or something.

And, with four successes… this whole floor could turn into a shooting range very easily from those bars. Like, it’s set up to look unobtrusive and relaxed and kind of aged glamor sort of look, a bit of an older and worn out thing, but this place is also set up for good sightlines and defense which is a little surprising.

LILIT: Based on Xianna’s experience with smuggling and thievery and general scoundrelry, does this appear to be a bar that is maybe gang activity or is it they are holding more valuable items somewhere and they want that added security? Or something else?

[music ends]

NICK: This place looks like a front to you.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So not necessarily like they have something valuable. You don’t see anywhere where there would be necessarily a safe or any of the security measures that would be like “this is a treasure room.” What you do see is that these security and everything look like gangsters, essentially. This is a place where an organization meets up and it’s kind of their home base, and you very much identify that very quickly.

LILIT: Wonderful. Xianna does lean in towards everyone at the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, by the way, this is some sort of front for like gang activity or thieves or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ I wonder what’s in the back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we will have to see.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you said it was a front and then I said it was the back. It was a joke…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. I understand it was a joke, it’s just… there is a front and a back.

NICK: The song slowly comes to an end and everyone cheers. You can see Keyna, the singer, make a quick gesture to wherever the MC is up on the second floor, and you hear:

NICK (as announcer): Wasn’t that amazing, folks? Keyna will be back later tonight but will be taking a quick break of the set. Please enjoy our instrumentals.

NICK: Keyna turns and walks backstage. The lighting comes up a little bit and fully lights the stage, and you can see the band starting to play away just some happy cantina music just to keep everybody busy while they drink and talk. It looks like Keyna has gone backstage to rest and may be alone where you could talk to her if you wanted to.

CAMERON: I have a question…

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: …that seems like something that we should’ve asked earlier. Do we have HK with us or is it just the three of us?

NICK: Yeah, HK is there.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s HK’s formal wear?

NICK: HK has a little bowtie on.

LILIT: Beautiful.


CAMERON: Good. Good.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder… do they take requests?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not that kind of club.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do you know it’s not that kind of club?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is just not.

CAMERON (as Karma): What song were you going to request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanted to request an old Fall Out Bay song, Exit to Endor: Love Found on a Beach Week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one, but they would definitely not play it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not that kind of club? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not that kind of club.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, does everybody else see all the secret security?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, I’m pretty aloof.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

LILIT: Is there a cocktail napkin under one of the glasses?

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: What Xianna does is Xianna takes the napkin and holds it next to the glass and, she had ordered a martini, so there’s some sort of fancy little thing on a toothpick, and takes out the toothpick and sort of casually, very surreptitiously, uses the drink to make little dots on the napkin while not looking and talking to the group so that anyone looking by would just think she’s fidgeting or messing with something, and marks where the door is and where the group is, and slides it back over.

LILIT (as Xianna): The dots are the security. You should not look at them directly, they will see you. You are very big and noticeable.

NICK (as HK): And carrying an axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

HUDSON: I look down at my axe.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. It’s, uh… it’s kinda out there. I’m proud of it, but it’s out there, especially in this jizz club.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, for some reason that sounds inappropriate.

LILIT (as Xianna): What, jizz? It is just a type of music.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no, how he was talking about his axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. It did seem a little iffy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just proud of what I got.

LILIT (as Xianna): But is a jizz club the place to show it off?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s continuing.

HUDSON (as Tink): If not at a jizz club, where?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, like a combat situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ren fair?

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a good point. Yes.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you know what they say, it’s not the size of your vibro-axe it’s how you use it, and Tink is quite skilled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, HK knows.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was just suggesting combat situation. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): We think that this could become a combat situation. Security does look quite intense. I agree with secondary user Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, investigation mode, I will do it.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. Uh… I am here to support you, secondary user Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. You are a good friend, HK.

NICK (as HK): And you are a good friend to me, threatening me with changing my brain setup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes indeed. Okie. Do you all want to try to sneak into the back or do you want me to just casually sneak in?

HUDSON (as Tink): I can cause a distraction if needed.

CAMERON (as Karma): What were you thinking for a distraction?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would get up on stage and start singing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that is a great distraction.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a distraction. I will say, that is where the stage door is, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: So there is a stage door to the left of the stage that would lead backstage without getting onto the stage, but yeah, the stage is low enough and informal enough that, Tink, you could get up there without someone being able to probably stop you right away until they figured out what you were doing.


LILIT (as Xianna): You know, if you do that, HK and I can take it from there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Just tell me when. I have a song queued up. I’ll have them hit the lights on me. I haven’t done this in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whenever you want to go, you—

HUDSON: I start walking up there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, are you going to stay out here and watch this?

LILIT: And Xianna gestures broadly towards the stage.

LILIT (as Xianna): This mess? Or are you going to come with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I will come with y’all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Here you go.

LILIT: Xianna, out of seemingly thin air, has procured a drink tray and thrusts it into Karma’s hands.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are going to want to pick up some drinks along the way. Quick-quick we go!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get an overhead shot of people standing at these standing tables and the band is playing. Tink walks close to the stage. The bouncer who’s by the staircase eyes him suspiciously for a second before dismissing him, and Tink is facing away from the stage, and in one quick step just puts his leg back and steps up (whoop), and is suddenly on stage and does a spin and is standing in front of the microphone. The band that was playing peters to a halt and the spotlight snaps on and the lights go down and just spotlights Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi, patrons! I’m… uh, Tron.

NICK (as audience): Woo! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m here—Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, my man. Um… so, I’m here today to play you, to sing you a nice little ditty.

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird~!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s not—

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ditty, but not… that’s not what I’m playing. Okay, I’m just gonna go, okay?

NICK: And one of the Biths that’s behind you, Tink, leans forward. It’s the one that was on the piano.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Hey bro, what are we playing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Ah, Rocket Man.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Oh! Oh yeah, of course, that famous Star Wars song, Rocket Man.


NICK: And the opening chords start.

HUDSON (as Tink): [in a slower spoken word style] She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero, hour 9 AM, and I’m gonna be high… as a kite! By then.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: And we zoom away from that. The entire room is mesmerized by this. Nobody goes to interrupt it. We see Xianna and HK and Karma walking very quickly to take advantage of that distraction towards that back door. As you are walking towards your goal, a Nautolan who seems mesmerized by Tink’s performance bumps into Karma on his way walking the other direction.

Karma, you make a quick moment of eye contact and there’s a lightning bolt of recognition. Xianna, you have a moment to see them knock into each other and they both stop, and he looks familiar to you. You’re not really sure why. You don’t know him, but for some reason he looks familiar. The Nautolan stops and leans in to speak very quickly and says:

NICK (as Nautolan): K-Karma?! It’s been years! How are you?

LILIT: The moment this interaction begins Xianna twirls around and seamlessly picks up the tray away from Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): You seem like you are going to be busy. Okay bye. HK, this is yours now.

NICK: That happens so quickly the Nautolan doesn’t even notice, he so absorbed with Karma.

NICK (as Nautolan): I’m doing really well. I got promoted recently. I’m, ahem, extremely successful. How are you?

CAMERON (as Karma): [performative] I… I am good. Imagine seeing you here… Wow!

CAMERON: They do a hug that is the awkward hug of you’re now 40 and this is someone you dated in high school.

NICK: With that he leans back from the hug.

NICK (as Nautolan): Who would have thought, Keer and karma meeting up back on Coruscant.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m… shocked.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that conversation to Xianna and HK. I think they’ve already slipped into the door. There’s a short hallway and then a very standard wooden door with a gold star on it. You’re standing in front of the room where presumably the singer has gone to rest. Do you just barge in? Do you knock? What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna knocks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. We have a scheduling question!

NICK: The door flies open and you see Keyna, this Fosh singer, and she’s wearing a fluffy bathrobe that’s tied pretty low.

NICK (as Keyna): Look, I’m trying to prepare for the next performance, so you—You don’t work here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not. Okay. HK, you go into the room now. Okay. We are going to come in here and we are going to have a little chat. Okie-dokie?

NICK (as Keyna): Okay. You have my interest.

NICK: She steps out of the way. HK’s already slid in behind her. As you go in I assume you shut the door behind you.

LILIT: Xianna shuts the door and I imagine there’s a fancy vanity that has a large mirror and the ring lighting around it and Xianna goes and just sits on top of that, of course not into the chair, on the vanity, and takes just whatever drink is on HK’s tray and starts sipping on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Keyna, fabulous singer of the Blue Bantha, I—

NICK (as Keyna): Whoa! Who told you it was called the Blue Bantha? This is the Songbird. It hasn’t been the Blue Bantha in months.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there is a Blue Bantha statue…

NICK (as Keyna): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): …and I’m pretty sure one of the napkins had Blue Bantha Jizz Club on it, and when we were given directions we were told it was the Blue Bantha Jizz Club.

NICK (as Keyna): [muttering] Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha… Everyone talks about Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): So what is it called?

NICK (as Keyna): It’s called the Songbird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Keyna): If you want to have this conversation with me, please, call it the Songbird, and I’m Keyna, like you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine then. Keyna, fabulous singer of the Songbird, you recently procured an item, and the problem is that we need it back, or more importantly you bought it from someone who bought it from us who should not have bought it from us, and we need it. So, we can buy it back from you or we can take it back from you.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh…

NICK: You see her facial expression kind of rearrange.

NICK (as Keyna): What exactly did I buy?

LILIT: A moment of blank confusion crosses Xianna’s face. She does a swivel towards HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do you remember the actual name of it? Because, um, I only have an inappropriate nickname to call it.

NICK (as HK): I believe that it was referred to by our… employer as the Space Breaker. It is a crystal rod about a third of a meter long.

LILIT (as Xianna): I believe it is yellow.

NICK: Keyna raises her eyebrows.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh… yeah, I bought that for someone else, actually. It’s funny you should bring that up. You see, you might be able to help me with that, because it got stolen recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Grief. I always hate this. This always happens!

NICK: And we’re gonna jump back to Tink singing on the stage. Where are you at?

HUDSON (as Tink): [energetic and poorly] I think it’s gonna be a long, long time! ‘Til touchdown brings me round again to find. I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no-no-no~!

LILIT (as audience): Woo!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a rocket man!

LILIT (as audience): Yeah! [claps]

HUDSON (as Tink): Rocket man~!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!


NICK: The bouncer is like snapping and really getting into it from where he is by the staircase. No one has gone to stop you, because this performance is so good. The camera swings away from Tink and he fades into the background as we see Karma and this other Nautolan, presumably Keer, having an awkward conversation in the middle of the floor.

CAMERON: So I think we have shifted over to the bar.

NICK: Okay. So you’re at the bar, and he’s leaning on it.

NICK (as Keer): So, um… what have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, lots of bounty hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Okay~

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, I had heard you didn’t end up going into security like your mom or like I did, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. You know, plans change. You don’t always wanna do what you think you do when you’re 16.

NICK (as Keer): [chuckles] That’s what I did. I’ve been in security ever since protecting the senator, you know. Your mom retired recently, and I’m sure she’s having a great time on Glee Anselm, but… did she say who replaced her? Because it was me, actually. I’m now in charge of the senator’s security detail.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well congratulations. I haven’t actually talked to my mom since Life Day, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): …did not get that update, but congrats! You worked a long time to get there. It’s very cool.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. Yeah! It is extremely cool. I like it a lot. Listen, do you wanna, like, get out of here, maybe go somewhere more quiet?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I would love to, but I’m here with him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Roc-ket maaan~!

LILIT (as audience): yeah, rocket man! Yeah~! [claps]

CAMERON (as Karma): So um… I’m here for a while, I think. A few of our other crewmates are here as well, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. You’re not working a job, are you? Operating on Coruscant is kind of touch-and-go legal-wise.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t seen any bounty offices since we got here. We’re just trying to track something down for a friend.

NICK (as Keer): So if you’re busy tonight that’s fine, I understand, but this is kind of a wild happenstance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [tightly] Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): I think we should… We shouldn’t just let this go to waste, right? We haven’t talked since I was, what… 18?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Uh-huh.

NICK (as Keer): It’s been a long time. You okay? You’re looking a little pale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, I’m fine. I think I just drank my Diet Coke too fast.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Hey, listen, there’s a caf place in the district that serves a really nice cup, actually.

NICK: He pulls out a business card and scribbles something on it in pen and hands it to you.

NICK (as Keer): Why don’t we meet there tomorrow, in the morning? Say like 8 AM?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’d love to.

NICK (as Keer): Great! Well, it’s been really good to see you, Karma. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a date!

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK: And he like goes to do a hug then realizes that Karma’s very still and not going to reciprocate and pauses for a second with his arms up, and then drops them, and then holds his hand out for a handshake.

CAMERON: Karma gives him a good handshake.

NICK: They do a very business-like handshake. You can see he’s blushing a little, and he turns and heads towards the door. We’re gonna cut back to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so who do we have to go and steal it from now?

NICK (as Keyna): You know how I blew up about the Blue Bantha thing? The former “owners—”

NICK: She does air quotes.

NICK (as Keyna): —were the ones that named it that. I used to be here a long time ago, and they took it from me, and I finally took it back and renamed it the Songbird, but in the process I may have made some enemies, and these gang members, these drug runners, stole the Space Breaker from me. I was going to give it to someone very important to pay a debt, so it would be great if you could get that back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. One, what is the gang called? What is the gang name?

NICK (as Keyna): They’re called the Kemslingers. They’re a local Coruscanti group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. That is a terrible name. I hate them already. I will steal from them of course. Two, problem: again, I need this.

NICK (as Keyna): Tell you what. I am so tired of them. If you get it back and steal it from them, and if they happen to be disbanded as a group due to excessive fatalities… you can keep it. I’ll pay off my debt to my… I don’t wanna say employer or boss, but she has some dirt on me. I can pay my debt off a different way though.

LILIT: Xianna sets her drink back down on the vanity.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you love murder. This is going to be great. Okay. Thank you, Keyna, for this valuable information. I hope whatever your whole deal here is at the Songbird works out. Whatever you are hiding in the back or selling, whatever it is. Ooh wait, is it drugs?!

NICK (as Keyna): No. No, I never work in drugs, sweetie.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, never mind. Well, disappointments all around. HK, we are going now.

LILIT: And hops down off the vanity and walks back to the door and closes it but pops her head back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, it was lovely talking to you. Goodbye~

NICK (as Keyna): Yes. Remember, the Kemslingers, and uh… no survivors please~

LILIT (as Xianna): We will probably do that, or like 98%. You know, 99.99%.

NICK (as Keyna): That sounds good, sweetie. Thank you.

NICK: And she goes back to powdering her cheeks at her vanity mirror now that you’re not sitting on it anymore. So Xianna, you leave this hallway, you open the door, HK’s right behind you. You bump almost into Karma who is standing at the door about to follow you in. Tink is getting a standing ovation for his first song. You step out of the hallway and shut the door before anyone can see, and you’re standing by the door to the side of the stage, and Tink launches into another rendition of a wonderful and classic hit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, this is another jizz classic.

LILIT (as audience): Yeah~! [claps] Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. Thank you, my man.

LILIT (as audience): Whoa-ho! Yeah~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Aruba. Jamaica. Ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on pretty mamas.

LILIT (as audience): [mumbling along loudly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing it!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!


HUDSON (as Tink): Key Largo. Montego. Baby why don’t we go down to Kokomo!

LILIT (as audience): Kokomo~!

HUDSON: I see Xianna walking away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh! Uh… [rushed] That’s where we wanna go—Johnny, play me off!

HUDSON: I tip my hat and walk off the stage as the band plays me off.

NICK: The piano player is like…

NICK (as pianist): [indignant] My name’s Fino.

NICK: …but starts playing. Dink-a-dink-a-dink. Da-da-da ba-da-bum! And you step off the stage very jazz handsy. The bouncer who was guarding the stairs comes over to you and looks really big and intimidating and then pats you on the shoulder.

NICK (as bouncer): Man, that was some of the best singing we’ve had in this club for a long time. Now don’t tell Keyna I said that, she does own this place, and she’s great, but you just bring a certain inspiration and energy to that stage. I hope that you’ll come back. I really enjoyed myself.

NICK: Then he straightens his security shirt and goes back to standing by the stairs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Come back! Thank you so much for your kind words. Take this guitar pick to remember me by.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as bouncer): You, uh… didn’t play guitar.

HUDSON (as Tink): You didn’t see me play guitar. That’s how good I am. Wanna see me do it again?

NICK (as bouncer): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): [smug] There you go.

NICK (as bouncer): [chuckles] Wow. Fastest guitar player in the galaxy. I’m gonna hang onto this. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. What’s your name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Tron.

NICK (as bouncer): Right, Tron… I’ll remember that. When you’re famous, don’t forget about your time here at the Blue Ban—at the Songbird Jizz Club.

NICK: And he goes back to stand by the staircase. You all are able to meet up at a quiet corner of the bar to make notes and compare stories.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, the space dildo was stolen from Keyna by a gang called the Kemslingers, and if we go kill the gang and all of that so they are no longer operating, we can keep it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Easy enough? I don’t know. Are they dangerous? Do we have any other context on this group?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, she said local gang, so I assume they’re not that bad if they are local.

CAMERON: Karma now has a tablet. Where did it come from? We don’t know. It was somewhere in her dress. And is on the bounty hunter site and is looking up the Kemslingers gang.

NICK: They’re small-time. They do a little bit of drug running. It looks like maybe there’s been some slavery charges that were dropped. But in the grand scheme of things in the galaxy they’re pretty low on the radar. It’s the kind of thing where you could turn them in for a small amount of credits and a thank you, but the local police don’t seem very interested in paying out. The government isn’t putting a large bounty on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): They seem real small-time. We’ve taken on bigger enemies. They’re not worth that much.

NICK: Xianna and Tink, you notice that Karma is acting weird. She seems kind of distracted and uncomfortable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, you’re acting weird. You seem distracted and uncomfortable.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Tink!

LILIT: Xianna kicks him underneath the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Shh. That was- I don’t- … Tink, do you not know how to do math? Like, look at Karma. Look at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, I see her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now look at that man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this the math of love?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is the only math I know how to do.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I always say that. I always joke about not knowing how to do the math, but actually I am pretty okay at doing the math when I need to because of the money and stealing and stuff. I just don’t like it. I need a calculator to help.

HUDSON (as Tink): Understood. Uh, Karma, never mind.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was real smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Do you need to, I don’t know, have an evening with your… friend? Quote, quote.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] No, we’re gonna go get caf tomorrow morning.

LILIT & HUDSON (as Xianna & Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all do not have to make that noise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes we did.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Why?

NICK (as HK): Questioning Statement. Is that a euphemism for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [indignant] Getting caf in the morning? No.

NICK (as HK): The caf in the morning.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it is. It is also a euphemism.

NICK (as HK): Downloading pickup lines. … Hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Hey baby, that’s a pretty cool outfit, it would look even better on my floor. Hey baby—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, make sure you get the one that is “hey baby, I like the ligma.”

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s ligma?

LILIT (as Xianna): Deez nuts!

NICK: [laughs] Shit.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I do not think I understand that pickup line. What do legumes have to do with getting into somebody’s DMs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not worry about it, HK. We will explain later and we will set up a powerpoint. It’ll be a whole deal.

NICK (as HK): Will this be like the powerpoint that Sentinel used?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, mine will be good. So should we do this tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow night? Just because if Karma has to go on a “coffee meetup” with a “friend” in the morning maybe we should not be doing too much stuff tonight.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is legitimately what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): [suspicious] Okay~

NICK (as HK): Karma, your heartrate and body temperature seem elevated. Are you okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You know HK, I was just so moved by Tink’s version of Rocket Man. I’m just coming down from the high of hearing that.

NICK (as HK): Karma, that doesn’t make sense. Quantifiably, Tink’s version of Rocket Man was inferior to the original recording.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa!

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not inferior, it is just a different style. Sometimes covers have their own artistic merit.

CAMERON (as Karma): It had so much heart!

HUDSON (as Tink): I wasn’t singing the original, I was singing a cover of a cover.

NICK (as HK): Oh… Recalculating. I do not understand, but I sense that I will hurt feelings if I continue this conversation. Great job, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so we go back to the ship for the night, we do some planning, Karma has her totally normal coffee meetup with a friend in the morning…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we go kill some dudes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Ooh! On the way back to the ship, can I get a pizza cone?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Okay. You can do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as HK): Please explain what a pizza cone is.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is exactly what it sounds like, HK. It is a cone of dough with pizza fillings on the inside.

NICK (as HK): Are we going back to Darth Pizza the Cheese? We just left there.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. Darth Pizza the Cheese is like a nice sit-down place. This you get out of a little stall. It is like a single credit and they just throw it at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s pretty good. You have to catch it, and if you drop it they don’t give you another one free. I learned that the hard way.

NICK: If HK could blink slowly in confusion that’s what he would be doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a food thing. You wouldn’t understand, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where are the Kemslingers based?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I have no idea. This is not the right bar for that. If you just give me like two hours and a handful of—I don’t even need a handful of credits. I will just get free drinks. You give me like an hour and a half out on the town, I can get all of that for you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hour and a half on the town? Make it 60 minutes and it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You give me 60 minutes and then somebody buys me a pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but it’s gotta be from one of the places where they have the little shakers of extra cheese and pepper on the side, because I like to make mine spicy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Of course.

LILIT: Xianna takes her drink, slams it back, slams it back onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I will be back here in exactly 60 minutes! Start the timer. Go!

LILIT: She claps her hands, spins around, and heads out. Xianna’s plan is to go into seedier bars and flirt for information, as one does.

NICK: That would be a Streetwise check at hard difficulty, with a black die because you’re not a local.

LILIT: Okay, but I can remove the black die because of Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

HUDSON: Street Smarts!

LILIT: Street Smarts!

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts!

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: From Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I also have a blue die since I will be targeting people who are inebriated?

NICK: Yes you can.

LILIT: Too many blank dice. I don’t like that, but okay. Sadly, it is only two successes and one advantage.

NICK: [grinning] ONLY two successes and one advantage.

LILIT: I had a yellow, a blue and a green die all come up blank, so that is a sad play.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [chuckles]

NICK: So you are able to collect the information. What you are able to find out is the info about the gang. They have weirdly been hunted. With two successes and an advantage, describe to me your montage of your hour of collecting information.

[upbeat investigation music begins]

LILIT: So Xianna goes into bars, and Xianna looks for anyone that has gang tattoos. Even if she doesn’t think they are tattoos specifically for the Kemslingers, any gang tattoo is good. And will make eyes with them from across the bar, have them come to her. It initiates it. It brings down their sense of security, because they’re initiating the interaction. Gets them to buy her a drink, and then she will talk about how cool it is to be in a gang and ask to see their gang tattoo, and talk about it, and then be like “well, some other guy was trying to buy me a drink and they had a Kemslingers tattoo,” and see what they say.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: This person might hate them and give a whole bunch of information about the Kemslingers and talk shit about them, or will talk a whole bunch about it because they’re in it. She repeats this pattern at a few different bars on a few different various people.

NICK: With two successes and an advantage, you are able to do this in under an hour, so part of the montage is you finish and say “oh yes, that’s very interesting,” finish your drink and sprint out of the bar [laughs] towards the next one. So we see you like running down the street trying to get to the next seedy place.

LILIT: It is sort of a Batman scenario in that the person will turn around to order a new drink, and by the time they turn around Xianna is gone.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And is indeed running down the street to the next bar, sneaks in because she does not have time to wait in line and get past a bouncer, and repeats the process.

[investigation music ends]

NICK: So while this is all going on, Karma and Tink and HK are sitting at the bar waiting for Xianna to get back.

HUDSON: I have an old fashioned stopwatch I keep looking at every once in a while for some reason.

NICK: [makes a loud and annoying ticking sound]

HUDSON: Yeah, like one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): It goes really well with your top hat. It’s like very coordinated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Tink is timing Xianna on this antique stopwatch that he’s found.

CAMERON: Karma and HK are just playing Chess on her tablet.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Statement: Knight to Pawn 5.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’m beginning to remember why I don’t like Chess.

NICK (as HK): Because I have all the moves downloaded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm?

HUDSON (as Tink): Move the horsey over by the crossy tall one and then sweep the board. You know what I mean, sweep the board.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay.

CAMERON: Karma moves the knight over to the king?

HUDSON (as Tink): By the king, the crossy one.

CAMERON (as Karma): The crossy person? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I have utmost respect for you, but it’s SUPER messed up to give someone the only gap in my strategy moves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha~

NICK: At this point Xianna runs back into the room.

LILIT: Xianna comes stumbling back in. She now has a pair of bright yellow shutter shades on top of her head, is wearing a whole stack of glow bead necklaces, and has a yard-long drink with the big crazy straw that spells out bridesmaid.


LILIT: She comes back in slurping on the drink, throws an elbow onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I have found out the information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fifty-eight minutes! Good job.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am good at what I do. The Kemslingers, they have a spot nearby, not too far. It is in an old speeder garage that they use as a front for their drug running.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. The drug running is the front? Of what crime?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The speeder garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t repair speeders really. Well, I’m sure they do too, but they mostly do the drug running in the background.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): They have been beefing up their security lately, getting some real beefy boys and guns for the security. Apparently someone has been killing them off over the last year. They made some sort of enemy. I didn’t figure out who. Somebody. So, hopefully we don’t run into them, whoever they are, but yeah. So, they have some extra security but there aren’t that many of them left, so I think it kind of evens out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Checkmate.

NICK: HK stops, does this micro-shift of his head to the board and back to karma, and to the board and back to Karma, and then with one hand, without the rest of his body moving, flips the tablet over and puts it facedown.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you should have used a Mustafarian Swap.

NICK (as HK): The Mustafarian Swap doesn’t work when the rook side pawns have been moved already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you use a Mustafarian Swap at that point, and it seems like it is not going to work, but you wait a few turns and usually they are gonna move their bishop, and then what you do is a Corellian Gambit. You see what happens? Ah-ha, that is checkmate.

NICK (as HK): That is outdated strategy that only works 67% of the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): 67% of the time it works every time, HK!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, secondary user, you seem more inebriated than you did at the beginning of this evening.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I went to six different bars. Also I got this yard drink at one time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a bridesmaid?

LILIT (as Xianna): Apparently yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is getting married? I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did steal the stuff from a different bridesmaid so I could sneak back into the bar. I don’t feel bad about it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, I owe you a one-of-a-kind pizza cone from Pooky’s Pizza Cone & Boba Tea Emporium.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh! Kriff yes! Okay, let’s go get the pizza cone.

NICK: We cut to the four of you sitting on a curb as speeders go by. It’s not a bad part of town or a nice part of town, it’s just a Coruscanti skyline. You’re holding boba teas in one hand and a pizza cone in the other, including HK, and you’re watching speeders go by. It’s probably 2 AM at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s a red one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, I see a blue one go by.

LILIT: Xianna’s just eating the pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, when you eat or drink where does it go?

NICK (as HK): I do not eat or drink… except for the blood of my enemies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I thought HK was just holding the extra pizza cone and boba tea for Xianna.

NICK (as HK): I was told to. I can smash it against my faceplate if you would prefer.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t, HK. I’m going to eat that one. You know I could not decide between the spicy pepperoni and the mac and cheese.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Which really isn’t a pizza cone at that point. It’s just mac and cheese in a cone.

HUDSON: I look up into the night sky and I just like under my breath say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Burning out his fuse out there alone~

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 21 Darth Pizza the Cheese

PDF download: S2 Episode 21 Darth Pizza the Cheese

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 21:
Darth Pizza the Cheese

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 21 of Tabletop Squadron. You heard it here, folks, the best podcast to ever exist ever.

HUDSON: The only one, as well.

LILIT: The only podcast.

NICK: Yes. Everything else are just short-form audio books. Hate to break it to you.


LILIT: We invented Star Wars.

NICK: Yup. Uh… I’m also scared of Disney, so you know, caveat-caveat-caveat. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: [pleased but without steam] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

NICK: So four light side, one dark side going into this?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, to recap what happened last time…

[slinky groovy music begins]

You were able to grab another item of the Shattered Force, the Stone Breaker, and you placed it onto your ship. You gave Meelo Shmee a ride to Coruscant so that he could go back to see his wife and kids, and you made a dinner date with Nolaa to talk about the Space Breaker, and also to eat some pizza.

Stepping off of the landing pad, the ship is locked behind you for a nominal fee by the Coruscant Shipping Authority, and you are able to walk through this city to the pizza place. As you’re going there are crowds. It’s not enough that you’re jostled, but there are quite a few people. You are well-armed, clearly scary, so people tend to give you a decent amount of space, but it’s also Star Wars so that’s not a weird thing for people to be walking around wearing body armor and carrying axes and things.

So, you’re able to see a lot of different kinds of people as you walk through. The perpetual traffic of the Coruscant sky is floating above you, and you walk past one of these sky rises, these huge Coruscant buildings that looks like it has recently been on fire and has burned almost to the foundations way, way down below, and there are firefighting droids floating around it, spraying it with water, trying to put it out.

A couple of blocks from there you come to the restaurant that Nolaa recommended that you meet at. Darth Pizza the Cheese is the name of the restaurant.

[music changes to jaunty accordion]

The doors slide open away from you as you enter, and you can see Nolaa is seated in a booth near the kitchen. Everybody give me one detail about Darth Pizza the Cheese, Nolaa’s favorite pizza restaurant on Coruscant.

LILIT: So one, it is obviously a corner booth with the walls in the back so that way you can see the entrance of the pizza restaurant. Obviously. You never sit with your back to the front door.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: I said one as if I had a two.


NICK: I will say, just based on the name, I am picturing a grungy Chuck E. Cheese that’s maybe been refurbished to not be for kids, but that’s just my thought, that doesn’t have to be an actual thing.

LILIT: Two, it is a small place, low lighting, and it is under an overpass.

NICK: Cool. So, it’s a small hole-in-the-wall place. There’s only a couple of booths, and it’s right next to one of the speeder lanes, so you can hear the drone of speeders passing overhead slowly, because even though they can fly they’re always in traffic on Coruscant. But the booths are red plush and there’s lighting that’s kinda dim and dusty because of the stained glass lampshades that are over all of the lighting that look like a lightsaber but the handle is a slice of pizza.

CAMERON: Beautiful. I’m thinking the walls are just completely covered. Like, I’m picturing your stereotypical family Italian restaurant where it’s in the city and there’s a photo on the wall of every single famous person who’s ever been there, with a slice of pizza, and there is just no space on the walls at all. It’s just all photographs.

NICK: For sure. We see the crew of the Afternoon Delight press open this door and there’s a little ding of a bell as you walk in. There are two Twi’leks behind the counter who are kneading out dough and making the pizza and getting it ready to go, and back around the side of the counter there’s a little eating area with a couple of booths.

You can see seated at one is an Ubese, which is interesting because you’re not sure how they would eat pizza with their weird gasmask things on, and then behind that you can see Nolaa up against the corner, sitting in the middle of the booth magnanimously, watching the door. She waves and smiles widely at you all as you come in.

HUDSON: I wave back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK (as Nolaa): Hi. Let’s not yell across the whole restaurant. Come on, come grab a seat.

HUDSON (as Tink): [yelling] What did you say? I can’t hear you.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She rolls her eyes but in a loving way and just motions for you to come closer.

[accordion music fades]

HUDSON: I steal a crouton from the salad bar.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just use your hands. Oh my gosh. This is so gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna just order some stuff anyway. I’m just getting it early.

LILIT (as Xianna): There was one on the floor you could have picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ew!

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s kinda gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is gross, it’s super gross, but Tink has eaten food off the floor before so I thought that was normal for him.

HUDSON (as Tink): People can change.

NICK: I need you to roll me a hard Perception check, please. We’re gonna roll more dice in this pizza restaurant than we have in the last three episodes. [laughs]

CAMERON: Good. [laughs]

HUDSON: Three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, definitely no one saw you just plunge your hand into the salad bar, which by the way, this is a small hole-in-the-wall place so the salad bar is like four bowls in ice baths, one with croutons, one with a lettuce mix, one with shredded cheese, and one that’s—they’re all the same size, and the other one’s just full of ranch dressing. You grab a couple of croutons out of there and you’re pretty sure no one noticed.


CAMERON: Is the crouton delicious though?

NICK: Yeah. With the three advantages, if you eat it, it is a really super good crouton.

HUDSON: Oh, I eat it.

NICK: It also doesn’t crunch super loudly, so people don’t notice you eat it necessarily.

HUDSON: Ooh, just the right amount of softness from the moisture in the air. Oh…

CAMERON: Ew… [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, so you all are able to slide in the booth. Who sits next to Nolaa and who sits further out?

[accordion music returns]

LILIT: Obviously Xianna sits next to Nolaa, and I imagine that Nolaa was on one of the edges, and Xianna gets on the other end and scooches the whole way over.

NICK: [laughing] Okay. Tink or Karma, are you sitting in the middle or…?

HUDSON: I’ll sit in the middle.

NICK: Okay, and then Karma will, and HK will sit at the end, because he doesn’t eat but he does like to heckle wait staff, so he wants to be somewhere where he can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh, HK. Terrible.

NICK: [emphatically] He’s evil! [laughs]

HUDSON: As soon as everyone sits down and gets comfortable I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to go to the bathroom and wash my hands.

CAMERON (as Karma): [deflated] Oh my gosh, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who can get up? … I’ll go over this table. I will walk over this table.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK? HK, can you scooch?

NICK: HK scoots out without standing up, so he’s standing a foot away from the booth with his legs still bent at a 90 degree angle just holding onto the table.

CAMERON: Karma climbs out and does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] You’re welcome.

HUDSON: I go to the refresher.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. So, are we waiting on Tink to get back, or…? What have you all been up to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, um… we went to a planet, and then we fought some sort of giant creature, and we killed it, and then… Oh! It turns out that Tink took all the wine out of the wine cellar and put it in the airlock and let it off into the vacuum of space to never be retrieved and instead replaced them with popsicles.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs] Oh wow. Well, but I mean, it’s like hotel wine, right? So it wasn’t—

[music turns severe]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Nolaa, I don’t think you understand. I calculated exactly how much all the wine was worth, and um… I wasn’t telling anybody else in the crew because my plan was to take all the wine when we left finally, and then I was going to sell it all, and I would be so rich.

[music grows delicate and sorrowful]

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring off into the distance, eyes unfocused.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be… It would have been so, so much money. I could have bought a mansion on Naboo by the waterfalls, with the ducks, and I could have had at least four servants, and I could make them bring me bantha cakes whenever I wanted.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. This was like an old really, really rich person’s wine cellar.

NICK (as Nolaa): I mean, I’ve been in the ship before… I guess I just thought it was like fake old and fancy. It was really that nice?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, those are the display ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those are fake.

LILIT (as Xianna): The like cheapest bottle I found was 500 Credits.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): When you go into the room you have to press the button to get the real racks to raise out of the ground.

NICK (as HK): The Boss Man prioritizes popsicles above all else including the wellbeing of his companions.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems a bit extreme, HK.

NICK (as HK): What part of his behavior has proven otherwise?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean like you’re not wrong, it’s just extreme.

[delicate music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Yeah, I don’t know if I would have said it out loud.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t know. I think Tink’s a pretty good guy. Sure he will not do a mission and will go buy popsicles instead of doing other stuff, Xianna’s told me about that, but… maybe he just made a mistake. That must have been a long time ago though, right? Like, he didn’t do this yesterday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t even remember.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea when he did this.

NICK (as Nolaa): So, have you been doing anything else or just arguing about popsicles and wine? It sounds like a fun evening, but…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it has been the main discussion for the last day.

NICK (as Nolaa): Understandable. It’s a shame to hear that your secret fortune you weren’t planning on sharing with your crewmates had been ejected into space.

LILIT: Xianna does a big sigh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I… I guess I will just have to steal something else in order to get my retirement money.

NICK: HK gives a mechanical sigh and shimmies out of the booth as Tink returns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you, HK.

CAMERON: Karma hadn’t sat back down.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: She was still standing there. HK scooted back in, but she did not.

LILIT: Xianna starts pointing aggressively at everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): And if any of you show up to my retirement mansion and say that you have one last job for me, I swear to kriff I will probably do the job.


LILIT (as Xianna): But it would need to be worth it, and you would need to say something really dramatic for me to do it. I won’t just do any job. You can’t just come up and say we want to rob a bank. It would need to be like, we want to rob a bank and you can kill Falx.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh… Alright. I’ll do that as long as, in response to me giving you the mission, you say “son of a bitch, I’m in” and point finger guns at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, that is part of the culture. You have to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep. Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be rude not to.

NICK: Nolaa slides on a pair of sunglasses and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): And this time it’s personal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahaha! Nolaa did the thing!

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Tink. Do you know exactly where you were and what direction you were going when you kicked out that wine stuff? Because I might be able to do some math and find it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… hmm. I mean we can go to the camera footage which is probably synced up to our coordinates and figure it out for sure, but I think we were by… uh… oh. We were actually going to Endor weren’t we? No. To Hoth? No, we never even went to Hoth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Would it not be in the ship logs? I feel like the ship logs every time you open up the air vent.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the air lock, whichever you did. And like logs it, right?

NICK (as HK): This is true, but that may be a lot of information to parse as I press the airlock buttons for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, but we have to figure out which… like, just a small period of time and space when Tink would have done this, and then it’s less information to look through.

NICK (as HK): This seems logical.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, don’t we have security cameras?

HUDSON (as Tink): We do have security cameras, and I think I mentioned that they were probably synced up to our coordinates, but I’m not positive. [gasps] But I do remember it was absolutely a Wednesday, because it’s Double Wombly Day on Wednesdays.

NICK: Nolaa taps her chin.

NICK (as Nolaa): I just realized a bad part of this plan. These were wine bottles that were kept in a specially temperature controlled area, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): And now they’ve spent between two days and nine months floating through the vacuum cold hard death of space?

LILIT: Xianna’s nodding a bunch.

LILIT (as Xianna): But,  nobody would have to know.

NICK (as Nolaa): Now that’s a good point, that just turns it more into a con than a merchant deal. You know?

LILIT: Xianna does little finger guns.

LILIT (as Xianna): [snaps] Exactly!

NICK (as Nolaa): Alright. Alright. Gosh, I missed you.

NICK: And she gives you a comfy side-hug in the booth.

LILIT: Xianna gives her a smooch on the cheek.

LILIT (as Xianna): I missed you too, mon shu shu.

NICK: Nolaa smiles real big.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I’m glad you made it out of the last job in one piece, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big kiss, and you all can see Xianna looking a little embarrassed at the nickname back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Twinkle toes?! Twinkle toes? Can I call you twinkle toes?

LILIT: Xianna immediately has a blaster out under the table pointed at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, if you call me twinkle toes one more time I will murder you in this place. This is very good pizza and I would like to come back here again, but I will give it up in order to murder you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay fine, two Ts.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not what you said I couldn’t say.

LILIT: Xianna does kick him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a warning.

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Okay… Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

LILIT: Puts the blaster back in her coat.

NICK (as HK): New username logged. Secondary user, Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I will switch you back into investigation mode.

NICK (as HK): I am so sorry. I will never use that again. Log deleted.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is damn right.

NICK (as HK): Log of log deleted. Delete history deleted.


LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. I love you.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t remember the last 35 seconds.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is fine. Nothing important happened.

NICK (as HK): That’s super weird. Why do you have a gun drawn at Tink under the table?

NICK: A waiter is approaching. As HK asks that the waiter’s eyes get kind of big.

LILIT: Well, Xianna had already put the blaster back in and now has her hands above the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is just an inside joke. Anyways. We order pizza now.

NICK: So, the waiter smiles broadly.

[accordion music returns]

NICK (as waiter): Hey, I’m Tommy the waiter. They call me Pizza Tommy. Welcome to Darth Pizza the Cheese. What can I—Are you all ready to order? Can I start you off with some drinks? Oh, hey Nolaa.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh hey, hey Tommy. Yeah, these are just some friends of mine from out of town. I’ll take the usual, but I wonder what they want.

[accordion music fades]

LILIT: Xianna hadn’t even been looking at the menu.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will also take the usual. Nolaa’s usual not mine, I don’t have one yet.

NICK (as Tommy): I was gonna say. Yep, that’s fine. Uh… Nolaa, do you wanna make that a large so that you can share?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] And then we can share!

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, that seems really cute. I guess so.

NICK: And she blushes a little bit, because she’s normally not somebody who goes in for that kind of thing, but she’s a little off-balance. She’s happy to see you.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright. What can I get the rest of the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh kriff.

HUDSON: I pull up a menu. I have it upside-down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no!

HUDSON: And I flip it over.

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to look at the… Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Tink, you said you were ready.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re right, you’re right. Here, I don’t need to look at the menu. I think I know what I want. Can I get a pizza—

NICK (as Tommy): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): —but with no cheese and no sauce, and on top of it you put a layer of croutons from your salad bar and drizzle it with sweetened condensed milk?

NICK (as Tommy): I regret having said yes before you finished describing this food. Uh, we do have sweetened condensed milk. What if I just bring you a can of that and you get a salad bar and I’ll bring you a pizza dough, I guess? Crust, that we’ve cooked.

HUDSON: Ooh, self-service. I can deal with that.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, that… should be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the fuck…?

NICK (as Tommy): Are you sure?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): It’s really good pizza. You don’t need to make like soggy crackers the pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re putting really cooked bread on top of cooked bread and then covering it in sweetened condensed milk.

NICK (as Tommy): Actually, when you say it like that, it does sound kind of good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, they even have a pizza here where they take the dough and brush it with garlic olive oil and crisp it up with some like parmesan cheese and stuff and then they put like a good Caesar salad on top after it’s been cooked. It is like almost the same thing except edible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Garlic is no good. I could be part vampire. I looked into it once.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the croutons have garlic in them!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man… Okay, take off the croutons.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, quick, look at this mirror.

NICK: And HK points to a mirror above the kitchen door, one of those fisheye ones that you use to make sure you’re not gonna run into somebody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… oh.

NICK (as HK): Can you see your reflection?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can. I also hear everyone yelling corner a lot. I don’t know what that’s about.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): But anyways. Yeah, keep the croutons on there. Xianna, thank you for the pizza idea. I will pass at this time. I just want the Tink Special, which is what I described before.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright… I’m gonna probably charge you double for crimes against food, but you seem good for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are not the first waiter to have said that to me.


LILIT (as Xianna): Your place is named after like an evil dictator. You can’t judge him.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, the name’s a bit unfortunate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not just unfortunate. It is like downright offensive.

NICK (as Tommy): Well… I mean, Darth Plagueis the Wise didn’t actually exist. Like, they talk about him, there’s stories or whatever, but that’s like naming him after the old-timey devil or something, like Old Nick’s Pizza or something. It’s not like a historical figure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t think it’s the same, but you make good pizza.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah. Well, and we already had everything set up and all the signage when we got the place and turned all the actual food around and made it edible, so it saved a lot of money even though we didn’t pick the name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you get me in touch with your marketing team, I actually have a lot of alternative names, and my number one alternative name is Buster Buck’s Cheese Me Please.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as Tommy): So that’s pretty good, but we already have the jingle.

[musically, with flat horn accompaniment] Darth Pizza the Cheese, good for you and me. Everybody likes pizza and cheese.

That’s catchy as hell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! And at the end of the commercial, in a ghostly tone, it says “have you heard the tale of $5.99 Wednesdays?”

NICK (as Tommy): It is Thursday, for the record.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Ah, kriff.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): Anyway, we got extremely distracted. Ma’am, what can I get you? Please don’t order a sweetened condensed milk and crouton pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god. No, no, I would not do that to you. Can I get a, uh… the personal pan tropical pizza, please?

NICK (as Tommy): Absolutely. Let me go get those in the kitchen. It’ll probably be 20-30 minutes, because we make everything from scratch here.

NICK: And he just walks slowly away, ducks into the kitchen.

[whimsical music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): So, what all have you been up to? I got Xianna’s text that we were meeting up and that you all needed something, but…

LILIT: Xianna does the little finger tents, rests her chin on them, and looks over at Nolaa.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so, sweetie… love of my life. Do you remember when I gave you a yellow crystal dildo thing to sell?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, to sell. Um…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, the crystal one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was there a different one that wasn’t to sell?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I said crystal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Never mind, that’s personal.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well just… she started with do you remember when you gave me a yellow crystal dildo and I was like eh… but to sell, yes. Yeah, I remember that. That was a long time ago. That was like when we first met.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it was a while ago, many months ago. I was just hoping that maybe you had trouble finding a buyer.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ha! What kind of fence would I be if it took me more than six months to sell some sort of weird crystal item to somebody who is gonna pay too much?

LILIT (as Xianna): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s long gone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, do you know exactly who you sold it to? Like, their name and their address and their day-to-day routine? And where they work? And like, maybe if they have family that lives with them too so we would have to learn their schedules? Keypads to their house. If they have servants that we could pose as. Anything of that?

NICK (as Nolaa): I see where you’re going with that. I would recommend keeping it a little bit lower key than that, because the heat’s kind of on in this neighborhood. I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but some smarson happened around the corner pretty recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. The problem is that we kind of need to get it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): You might be able to trade with them for it. I sold it to somebody actually on Coruscant. They’re not too far from here. You’ve got some options. Now, I will say, I do not know what their family situation is or what their address is, but I do have their name.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can work with that. Because it just… it kind of turns out that the yellow crystal phallic shape might be some sort of very powerful Jedi artifact and we kind of need it now.

NICK (as Nolaa): You’re saying the dildo is a very powerful artifact?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I know exactly what you are going to say, but please don’t. We are in company.


LILIT (as Xianna): We just… We need to have it back.

NICK: She twitches her lekku at you, saying something that the others can’t quite make out.

LILIT: Xianna does a real big laugh and says something back.

LILIT (as Xianna): But okay, okay, we have to be serious now. It is actually very important, so we do have to either buy it back, trade it back, but my personal favorite is steal it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Uh, I don’t think… So here’s the thing. I can tell you who I sold it to. I think that she was probably working for someone else, but at least that’s the first step. I hate to do this to you, twinkle toes, but I don’t think I should be involved, just because I’m the one that sold it. It would be really bad for my reputation, and you didn’t hear it from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I understand. We would not involve you any more than just getting the name.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I sold it to a Fosh named Keena. She works at a jazz club a couple levels down from here. I think she may have ties to some sort of organized crime, not 100% sure, but gosh she sure can sing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. Cool-cool-cool. So, how did the smarson go?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, the smarson? It went pretty good. So, I tried that new mix of accelerant that you recommended the last time we talked and it was—

NICK: And the waiter comes out with water cups for everybody and just Tink’s crouton and milk pizza, because it turns out that takes about 20 seconds to cook.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is really gross. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I get one of those fishbowl punch drinks? You know, those really round ones that’s brightly colored and tastes like fruit with the fun straws in it?

NICK (as Tommy): Well, we don’t have a liquor license, so that would be illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh.

NICK (as Tommy): I’ll be right back with your non-alcoholic fruit punch. Wink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody else want a drink?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I do my arms crossed against each other in the shape of an X and pump it against my chest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like you could have gotten your weird Shirley Temple.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll take a Shirley Temple, please.

NICK (as Tommy): We actually don’t have those. I’m sorry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Tommy): We don’t have a grenadine license.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. What about a Shelly Temple?

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. I think that’s just Sprite.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. One Sprite for the very large child.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good, thank you.

NICK: HK’s head rotates a fast 90 degrees to lock with the waiter.

NICK (as HK): I do not consume either food or drink being a droid.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, I get it. I’ll be back when those other pizzas are done.

NICK: And he walks back to the kitchen.

NICK (as Nolaa): Phew, almost gave away the game there. Yeah, the smarson went pretty good. The smaccelerant was great. There were no smasualties.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because it was a sminsurance smfraud, and… honestly it went up really fast. I think that building was out of code.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it probably was. The older buildings are always easier to set fire to. Not that I’ve ever done that before.

NICK: She’s looking at you appraisingly for a second.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right… Right. Okay. So, yeah, but thanks for asking. It went great. Everything’s been going well. Karma, Tink, haven’t seen you all in a while. I heard you went to jail. How did that go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… yup. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like a getaway, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um?

HUDSON (as Tink): Like away from home time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because he escaped. I get it. That’s very funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I didn’t… Oh yeah! I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, and I mean it was a time when we were not at home, so I guess that is also true, Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you learned a lot? Are you…?

NICK: She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you been rehabilitated?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s really funny that you think prisons rehabilitate anything.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s not what they’re for. They are for making money.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s the joke, yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh good. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay good, just making sure you knew, because like… [laughs] That would be silly.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs, contented sigh] Actually, you know, I’ve never been. I’ve never been caught. I know Xianna has a few times. Seems to know her way around pretty well.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, all of the times I have been in the actual prison were kind of on purpose. I have been arrested many times, but usually I get out before I actually go to the full prison, so I’m in jail not prison. There is a slight difference.

NICK: She furrows her brow and takes a sip on her water and looks at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Really? Every time you got caught was a “oh, I meant to do that” situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not every time I got caught. There were plenty of times that I did not mean to get caught. I am saying the other times I have been in prisons it was on purpose. One time I just went into the prison. I wasn’t even arrested. I just snuck in, in order to be in the prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): Huh… Well, the more you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s different.

LILIT (as Xianna): They never noticed.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Normally I’m just dropping people off.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. Well, I would advise that you don’t go back.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is not a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles] Shockingly, I don’t have very many friends in prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): No kidding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I know, right? I was surprised too.

LILIT (as Xianna): You had us. We are your friends and we were in the prison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. We’re your—Are we not your friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. I said I didn’t have very many.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a lot of friends in prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Four friends in prison I guess, well five friends, no six friends.

NICK (as HK): And now you have less because you helped them all escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. Less of my friends are in prison now.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why one of the times I was in the prison. It is the time I snuck in. I was sneaking somebody out. It was a very different style prison so it was much easier.

NICK: Around this point Pizza Tommy the waiter comes back out with a bunch of trays and slides a very large pizza that appears to be deep fried blurrg on pizza, like it’s kind of a blubbery meat that’s got a crust on it that’s scattered around on the pizza. He slides it between Nolaa and Xianna. He gives Karma a tropical pizza which is obviously some sort of weird colored shrimp and pineapple.

CAMERON: And seaweed.

NICK: And seaweed, of course.

NICK (as Tommy): If you need anything else give me a holler. Oh wait—

NICK: He runs and he comes back and he plops a giant fruit bowl down and what looks like a thermal detonator bottle shaped Sprite and puts it in front of Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Thank you.

LILIT: Very important question. How many straws are in the fishbowl drink?

NICK: Six.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK (as Tommy): Now that’s a six-person drink. Normally I would make several people leave their IDs, because you’re supposed to share, but Nolaa’s here all the time. I know that y’all wouldn’t overindulge, right, of your non-alcoholic fruit punch?

LILIT: Xianna nods her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, absolutely. We will not overindulge.

LILIT: She takes five of the straws, leaves one pointed at Nolaa, but smooshes all of the other straws together and starts drinking from those five at once.

NICK: Karma, you see the drink level go down demonstrably as Xianna starts to pound this thing. It’s impressive. Xianna’s not that big. You don’t know where it’s all going.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. It tastes like pineapple and jogan fruit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yum.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, they changed the recipe up from last time.

NICK: And Nolaa takes a little sip.

NICK (as Nolaa): This is great. I really am enjoying spending some time eating with you, and I’ve given you a lead on the crystal dildo, but why are you looking for it in the first place?

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, like I said, it is a very powerful Jedi artifact and we need to find it again.

NICK (as Nolaa): All that Force mumbo-jumbo? I didn’t think you would go in for that kind of thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I just saw a lot of Jedi when I was a kid. Because like, I was living in Lessu during the Clone Wars, so Jedi would just show up out of fucking nowhere and just like wreak havoc… which was cool because the Separatists fucking sucked too, but sometimes the Jedi would just show up and… [exhales] throw their lightsabers around at shit and then leave, and you were like what do we do now. Our city is all messed up. Are you going to help us rebuild? No, no, you’re gonna run away to some other planet?

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you know I didn’t grow up on Ryloth, but I’ve heard stories, and Jedi, if they’re real, front-flip a lot for no reason, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, they absolutely do. They just front-flip all the time and they do spinny things, and it is entirely for show because there is no way it makes them fight any better.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): They were super cool, but they were kind of dicks.

NICK (as Nolaa): Karma, you have experience with Jedi as well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh. Where did you run into Jedi before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Here?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have to remember, I’m old. During my teenage years the Jedi were still a thing. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it is not like you are THAT old. You are like… 30? That’s old.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, I am 38.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, you are ancient, Karma!


CAMERON (as Karma): That’s why I’m saying—

LILIT (as Xianna): So old you will wither away and die any day now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no…

LILIT (as Xianna): I am joking. You are not that old.

NICK (as Nolaa): You know, come to think of it, it’s a little weird. The Jedi weren’t around that long ago, but it’s hard to find people who had ever seen them or even really believed they were real. Even on Coruscant.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because there weren’t that many and they stuck to themselves unless they were like messing up your city.

NICK (as Nolaa): And front-flipping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa, have you heard of the Mandela Effect?

LILIT (as Xianna): We do not have time for that, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Nolaa): I actually haven’t heard of the Mandela Effect. Please explain it to me in detail.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you don’t want to hear about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But anyways.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): For reasons, we need to find the artifact so we can combine it with its other artifacts and… Actually, I kind of forgot exactly why we needed all of them. We just have a client who, uh, maybe works with a certain organization that… buys a lot of X-Wings, wink-wink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ohh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And so they need the artifacts for some reason. I don’t remember why.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And they think if we collect all of them… they do something? I don’t know. Karma, do you remember?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t. That presentation was very vague. I know it’s important that we get them all, but I don’t know if we actually were ever told why.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: [laughs] Somewhere, the camera pans away to Sentinel setting up a new hideout, talking to Cappy the droid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, well I definitely did explain exactly what they were for and why I needed all of them to depose the Emperor, so I’m sure they’re all extremely motivated to help.

NICK: And then we cut back.

[eerie music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, he definitely didn’t say anything.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m assuming maybe if you connect them all they do something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you do that with Lincoln Logs you eventually get a Lincoln Log house, so that’s usually where that goes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe this one makes a… makes like a little trophy.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, so they’re all stick-shaped?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, one of them is dildo-shaped like we explained.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the stick.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’re all different shapes. I think maybe you can combine them like a mech. You know? You combine them all.

NICK (as HK): Oh, like Voltron.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, just like Voltron. I think they Voltron into something else.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Well, like I said, uh… you’re gonna wanna talk to Keena. She’s a jazz singer a couple levels down at the Blue Bantha, and you’ll have to just go from there. I wish I could be more help.

HUDSON: I stop stuffing my face for a second.

HUDSON (as Tink): [with his mouth full] Are we talking about mechs? Okay, well… well wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, Tink… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I rode a mech once. We called it Tex. It was Tex-Mechs.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): We just went all around the planet. It was a good old time. I almost fell out a few times. It was pretty neat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you for that story.

NICK: [laughs] Nolaa has a look of like very patient love on her face as she nods at Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think that’s probably enough talk about work, don’t you think? Let’s just enjoy some pizza. I don’t know when the next time I’m gonna get to see you all is.

NICK: She nudges Xianna with a shoulder and grabs another slice of fried blurrg pizza and chows down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Nolaa! Also, I got you some gifts.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh~

LILIT: Xianna pulls out the pack of Sabacc cards.

LILIT (as Xianna): I found this on a dead guy.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She scratches at a little stain and it flakes off of the box and opens them up and fans them out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, these are nice. These are very nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is very nice. Also, I found this!

LILIT: And Xianna pulls out the ring.

NICK (as Nolaa): Whoa. Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. No. You see, I knew that this would be too small for your fingers, but I am pretty sure it is the exact size to be a very beautiful pinky toe ring.

NICK: She takes it and looks at it. It was on a chain, wasn’t it?


NICK: She detaches the chain and holds it up and looks at it in the light.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, I guess. Hey… warn a girl before you just start whipping rings out all over the place in front of all of your friends in a nice restaurant. I can’t take that kind of adrenaline.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. [stammers, chuckling] Oh my. Did you think I was going to propose to you? No, you propose to me when that happens.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay, that’s good to know. I’m glad we’re having this conversation in front of your friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, this is absolutely going to fit your left pinky toe.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. Okay. Well, cool. Thanks! That’s nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): I also got a glow stick necklace off of the same dead guy, however I am keeping that, because we have all agreed that we are going to a rave after we collect these artifacts and it is just a very nice necklace and I think it would complement me very well.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, can I come?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, absolutely.

NICK (as Nolaa): Great. That’ll be a nice ‘celebrate the finishing of a job’ kind of thing to do. I like that idea a lot.

[smooth lounge music begins]

NICK: We zoom out and we see the group of you all at this booth eating pizza together: Tink chomping down on his soggy milk monstrosity, Karma enjoying her tropical pizza, HK watching without moving, and Nolaa and Xianna sharing a fishbowl and a large pizza. Some time passes and you all stand to go. Nolaa pays the check. As you are all shimmying out of the booth and headed towards the door, Nolaa sets a hand on Xianna’s shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Hey, can I have a couple minutes with Xianna? I kinda wanted to make out or something and figured it would be polite to, like, do the family thing first, but… uh, can we have some time real quick?

[lounge music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll go stand outside.

HUDSON (as Tink): No need for family make-out sessions, just whatever you were gonna do.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh that’s weird. I don’t like that you said it like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t like that, Tink. Okay, you go outside now. Bye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, come on, Tink. Let’s go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: HK is still standing next to the table just staring at Xianna and Nolaa.

NICK (as HK): You may continue.

CAMERON: They get about halfway across the restaurant and karma turns around.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, come on!

NICK (as HK): Confused face.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re going outside. Come on.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Heading outside.

[delicate and romantic piano music begins]

NICK: The restaurant has really quieted down. The people working in the kitchen are back behind the closed door. The other booth with the Ubese has emptied out because you’ve been eating for a while, and you have this quiet time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Sorry, I hope that wasn’t awkward to just kick your friends out like that, but it really has been a little while since we’ve seen each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it has been… at least a month. I don’t know how time works.

NICK (as Nolaa): Honestly, does anyone know how time works? It’s difficult.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s very weird when you are like in space and then on planets with shorter or longer days. It’s just weird. So anyways, are we going to make out now?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, we absolutely are.

NICK: She gives you a big hug and holds both of your shoulders out.

NICK (as Nolaa): But first, are you okay? Are you doing alright?

LILIT (as Xianna): In like what context?

NICK (as Nolaa): Um, I guess I’m interested physically, emotionally and spiritually?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Uh, physically I am doing good. The toes are all healed up, or like, I should say where the toes were, they’re all healed up now.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very nice. No problems there. I have not been shot at in a while, so that is good.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s out of character for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it was mostly because the last thing that we encountered was a creature that did not have a blaster.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I was smart. I went up into a tree so I could just throw grenades down at it, and it attacked Tink not me.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s a good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Work smarter not harder, you know.

NICK (as Nolaa): I love that boy, but please make sure that he gets attacked more often than you. I think he can take a hit better.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is a very large person. But um… emotionally, I think I am doing okay. I have been watching a lot of those self-help videos and trying to connect and understand my commitment issues and my issues of childhood and abandonment, and I think I am getting into a good place.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s really good to hear. I’m glad you’re taking that time for yourself, and you should know I’ll be here for you. Like, you can take your time and really work through it in a healthy way. That’s alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Thank you. I will message you about those things, like my feelings.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. I mean, you said the word propose a little while ago and didn’t look nauseous, so that’s good. Right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because if you do the proposing then I don’t have to worry about it.

NICK (as Nolaa): Wait. We’re not gonna have another toothbrush situation, are we?

NICK: Her face looks very serious for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you mean like I would say no?

NICK (as Nolaa): No, I mean like you would laugh at me and say no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… you’re worried about me laughing at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. That’s what you did when I asked if you wanted to leave some stuff at my place.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Okay, I just… I promise that if you propose to me and I say no I will not laugh while doing it.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t feel super better about that, but like, that wasn’t really on my mind anyway. The ring just kinda happened. Anyway, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying that I don’t know if I am ready to get married or anything right now. If I ever want to be truly married or if I just want to have a committed partner for life, I don’t know, I am just saying…

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s fine. I wasn’t even thinking about it until you handed me a ring and you kinda freaked me out a little and now we’re talking about it and this has gotten—Do you wanna just make out?

LILIT (as Xianna): I didn’t think you would think a ring that small was going to be for a proposal. I would steal you such a gigantic ring if I was going to do that. Now I’m a little insulted that you thought I would propose with just a plain band. No, I would go through like a massive heist and get like a massive gigantic ring with a beautiful crystal, and I would almost die, and I’m pretty sure Tink would die in the heist, and we would have to have a funeral for him… and then I would give you the ring. But again, I don’t think I’m going to do the proposing. I think you will.

NICK: Nolaa snaps her fingers in front of your face.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay twinkle toes. Come back to me. You’ve gone very far down this hole. Are you back?


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m just saying, I feel like that is how it would happen, but again…

NICK (as Nolaa): That does sound right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think you would do better at the proposing than me, because like… like I just said, mine would probably involve the death of at least one person.

NICK (as Nolaa): Noted… and trust that I’m not going to spring that on you. We would have a conversation first, and then the proposal would be a surprise, but I would make sure that that’s a commitment you would wanna do before I did it. Also, again, now I’m the person talking about it and I wasn’t thinking about it before and I really did just kinda want… like, I wanted to check on you, but I also deserve kisses like now.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do deserve kisses. I am just saying that, like, it is a conversation that we should maybe have at some other point later on in our relationship, because like… when I get actually married for real, if I do, I would like it to be nice, and with somebody I love, and not somebody that I plan to steal from.

NICK: Nolaa grabs the front lapel of your coat and pulls you in.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well I do love you, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big old kiss.

LILIT: Xianna pulls back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I love you too, mon shu shu. Okay, let’s go make out in the bathroom for a little bit.

[music changes to slow slinky jazz]

NICK: We get a clock wipe and we see Nolaa walking out of the pizza restaurant where Tink and Karma are sitting on a bench outside. Tink is messing with his com and Karma is just watching the traffic. Nolaa is adjusting her blouse and winks at Xianna.

NICK (as Nolaa): Maybe don’t wait so long next time before you all come back. I always do love to see y’all.

NICK: And she turns and walks away very jauntily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa! Nolaa, wait! You said that, you know, you need to stay low-key with this whole mission we’re about to do, but… I may have already ordered jackets that say NDA on the back which stands for Nolaa’s Dildo Adventure. Is that okay? I can try to return the jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): Um… go ahead and keep those jackets. We’ll find something to wear them to.

NICK: And she smiles real big. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll put them in the closet with the other ones we order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes ,our adventure jackets. Collect them all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, there was the adventure jackets and the iHappy ones.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckles] Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And the ones we have ordered for a possible safari somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I can’t wait for the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): And then there were the ones that we ordered for Karma’s birthday. We have to stop ordering jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): I’m gonna be honest, with my specialization in logistics, all of those are gonna show up at the same time and you’re gonna have too many jackets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Either way… you all stay frosty.

NICK: And she turns and walks away after throwing finger guns.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Alright, let’s go experience some jizz!

HUDSON: [snickers]


NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LILIT: [giggles]

## Outro

LILIT: Thank you for listening to Tabletop Squadron… Um?

[static buzzing interrupts and grows more intense]

What the… fuck is…? What?!

[promo begins, upbeat music]

Chemistro: Alright Cupid, are we recording?

[bird-like animal screeches]

Good! Hey listener, tis I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here, and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse… wizards that want to meet other wizards!

SPEAKER 1: I seek, first and foremost, some person who might challenge me in organization.

SPEAKER 2: I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil, which is a beverage I invented… mostly made of coffee.

SPEAKER 3: Yes, I did spend a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life, but that is my want as a vizier.

SPEAKER5: You see, I think the teeth are sort of the window to the soul.

Chemistro: Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community where you get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on Twitter at @wiz4wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether.

… I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?

[bird-like animal screeches, static interference pulses and fades]

LILIT: Well… okay. That was weird, but anyways.

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

PDF download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 20:
Popsicle Delights

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

When this episode releases, the state we live in, Texas, will still be experiencing the effects of a once in a generation winter storm that has devastated many. Millions of people are without power, running water, or any way to heat their homes. In the show notes will be links to various mutual aid networks that are doing what they can to help. Please consider donating if you can.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 20, a thrilling jaunt through the stars that everyone enjoys and nothing ever goes wrong. I am your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we met up go ahead and let the audience know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to say I just appreciate all our listeners out there. I think you’re looking great and doing great.

NICK: Aww.

HUDSON: And if you smash that Like button then you get an extra greeting with every episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: Y’all are looking really, really good right now. Sexy as hell.


LILIT: Hudson, I regret to inform you that we are not a YouTube channel.

HUDSON: [disappointed] Ohh…

CAMERON: Remember to hit that bell.

LILIT: You don’t have to hit the bell.

NICK: I hit a bell, though. What did that do?

LILIT: You can’t comment below.

HUDSON: You turned off comments, Nick.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: I mean, not a bad idea most of the time.

LILIT: You didn’t turn off comments, you turned off notifications.

HUDSON: Ah, you did, yep.


LILIT: So you won’t get notified every time we release a new episode. [laughs]

HUDSON: Yeah. You can sign up for our, like, mail service. Every time we release a new episode we actually have this letter service where we hand-write letters and send them out to everybody who signed up.

CAMERON: Oh my gosh.

NICK: This is not true.


NICK: Wonderful.

LILIT: Hudson, you’re gonna get us in trouble.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some experience points. I bought another rank of Feral Strength on my Marauder talent tree.

NICK: Well, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Aw, we’re triplets today.

NICK: Aww. Well, when we last left off…

[light and groovy explorer’s type music begins]

You had provoked a malsoom to leave its nest and attack you, managed to kill it without really getting hurt very much, except for Tink, and investigated this crashed greenhouse on what was once a herdship floating above the planet of Ithor, and found your way to the Stone Breaker tablet, which is the first artifact that you ever saw at the beginning of your adventure, and have pulled it from the hands of a dead poacher in the greenhouse. That’s where we’re gonna start. You all are standing in the woods. You have a Force-sensitive item now.

[music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay so, with this Stone Breaker tablet, I feel like it needs like a case or a cover, kind of like a tablet or phone cover. Well, tablet, there we go. So, do we get like mole skin? Leather? Do we get the magnetic one that like, you know, you close it and it magnetizes together? Does there need to be a hole for the cameras?

CAMERON (as Karma): We need to get one of the ones with the magic keyboards that just kinda magnets to it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, like that. I mean, is there accessories? Can we get a detachable keyboard with it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we put stickers on it?

HUDSON (as Tink): We could probably put stickers on it. Does it handle spray paint well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): What about under glows?

HUDSON (as Tink): Under glows on the Stone Breaker tablet. I love it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which side?

HUDSON (as Tink): The underside.

LILIT (as Xianna): The bottom?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I guess I’m picturing it set down on something in which case you’re kinda ruining the under glows, but I guess if you’re holding it…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you could put it on the back. Ooh! We put two little tiny, tiny little legs on the bottom, just like little buttons almost, so it’s raised up just a centimeter or two so the under glow light still spills out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That also helps prevent it from overheating, so that’s a good one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is important.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but for case, I was just gonna grab the one that we passed on the way in here that it had been in previously.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, that’s fine, saves us money.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can still add stickers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! I have stickers back in my room.

NICK: As you all are having this conversation, you’re walking back through the jungle and you pass the large durasteel crate that had been cracked open, and you’re able to place it in there if you want. It is a lot bigger than the tablet itself is, but you could put it in a big box if that is something that you would like to do.

CAMERON: I’mma put it in a box.

NICK: Okay, so now you’re carrying a durasteel crate. You walk out of the greenhouse and back out into this open space past the corpse of this malsoom. Its fur has lost some of its luster since you went inside but is still iridescent and blown by the wind a little bit as you continue into the jungle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did we have a plan for that thing?

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought the earth would just reclaim it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eventually yeah, but I meant like, you know, more near-term.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I figured we would just take the whole thing and then sell it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was thinking along those lines. I was just thinking the hide though. I wasn’t… I don’t think we can get that whole thing back to the ship, or in the ship.

NICK: We get a zoomed out shot of Xianna patting it on the hip and looking up at the multiple meters of additional height of this collapses beast, like “yeah, we’ll just carry it!”

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured we would get some sort of hover lift and bring it back, you know? I just figured if we’re going to steal part of it we should just steal the entire thing, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): At this point I don’t think we’re stealing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we are, because we are here illegally, and against the wishes of the Ithorian people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because you know this is their land, and you know, then we killed this creature, and yes it was trying to kill us, but at the same time we are technically poaching. So I just figured if we’re going to be illegal poachers we should just, you know, go all the way, go whole bantha.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just really lean into that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Really lean into it, because like, it feels wasteful to just take part of it. I just figured we either would leave the entire thing to be reclaimed by nature or we take the whole thing and just be full criminals.

NICK: We get a screen wipe to Karma and Xianna and Tink walking through the woods trailed by HK carrying a giant rolled-up skin that’s bigger than he is on his back. He’s tottering after you. [laughs] You have claimed what resources from the malsoom skin you could. As you continue along the trail back towards where you parked your ship, you see Meelo jump out of the woods.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh wow, you poached the hell out of that thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we told you that we were competent.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, but… there’s lots of competent people around, or there were, and you probably saw the results of some of their competence. They’re dead now. So the fact that it’s dead, and you’re not, and you were able to give it a haircut is pretty impressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Karma did the haircut.

HUDSON (as Tink): You must have not realized, we’re the competentest.

NICK (as Meelo): Ah, the competentest. Is that some sort of special title that you earn from some sort of certification committee?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, it’s an organic colloquial term that people just know us by. It’s a few levels above omnipotent or impotent. You know, it just goes up the ranks.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, competentest is like… can see and affect things throughout the galaxy through your sheer awesome.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think that’s omnipotent though, but… ell, I’ll have to look at the words. There’s a lot of, uh, levels.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, either way, congratulations… I suppose. You’ve done it, and without my careful helping guidance I think you would have not been successful, so now it’s time to hold up your end of the deal and get me off of this rock.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You all packed?

NICK (as Meelo): I’ll be honest, I need about 20 minutes, because I thought you were going to die, so I didn’t pack up the Crate Dragon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Well I’m kinda hurt, but we have to figure out how to get this into the ship anyway, so you probably have time.

NICK (as Meelo): Did you become wounded by the malsoom, the terrifying creature that’s haunted and hunted me for the last year?

CAMERON (as Karma): Only Tink.

NICK (as Meelo): Only Tink?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You okay there, buddy?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’ve been worse. I’ll just say that. I have definitely ben worse.

NICK: There’s a hole in your shoulder that has some venom still leaking from it with obvious points of stim packs being stuck around it to keep you moving, and Meelo looks you up and down.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. Really? That’s, uh… I’m so sorry. That’s bad.

LILIT: Xianna gestures at Tink’s one leg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you not notice that the leg is replaced?

NICK (as Meelo): It’s a dangerous galaxy. People lose limbs pretty regularly. That’s not necessarily something. But people don’t get chomped on by giant poisonous monsters regularly, so if worse has happened…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… it has happened more than you think it would.

NICK (as Meelo): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): At least twice.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay sure. Well, if you wanna go back to the ship and load up, I’ll pack real quick and I’ll just meet you there?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

NICK (as Meelo): Cool. Please, please, please, please, please don’t leave me. I will be back as soon as I can.

NICK: And he sprints off into the woods.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is so concerned about us leaving him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, hey, what if we—

LILIT (as Xianna): It would kind of be a little funny if we did.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was about to say, could we just do it?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No!

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just hide the ship for a few moments and let him think that we left?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we show back up.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can get it on video, him just sitting there crying about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever tell your friend to ‘get in bitch’ into the speeder, and then right as they almost get in you just speed up a little bit so they can’t get in. And you just do that a few times.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is so mean!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then you let them in and then you go shopping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… We’ll end up going shopping though, Karma. That’s how these things end.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You buy them like a smoothie or something later.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers] No!

NICK (as HK): This organic sent us to our presumed death. It would be applicable if we caused them emotional pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): or we just make him sleep in Sabos’s room.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK gets it, like—Ohh. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it’s haunted.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re probably right, but that’s a little dark.

NICK: So you’re headed back to the ship. HK is plodding after you carrying this giant skin. You get to the ship, and… what do you do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s strap this baby up. We got some ropes and bungees? Some bungee cords?

CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna put it in the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): You were tying it to the outside of the ship? That’s not gonna go well when we go to hyperspace.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s true. It’ll just disintegrate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not going to go well when we leave atmosphere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a very valid point. We’re gonna do that before hyperspace.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would burn up, poof, go away.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. Alright, well, putting it in will work. It’s gonna be smelly though. Could we put it in somewhere that’s not the main area?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we could put it in the wine cellar, because it’s like cooler. It would maybe help prevent the decay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’ll fit.

HUDSON (as Tink): If we chop it, it will.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you can move those wine racks around. They pop into the walls to make space.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I was thinking like the speeder room, because it’s right off the entrance ramp and then we don’t have to carry this through the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we climate control the speeder room?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure. This ship is so freaking fancy, Xianna. We can do whatever we want.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I was just making sure, because the wine cellar is also right there. I don’t know why they put the wine cellar next to the speeder garage, but…

NICK: While you all are talking, HK clomps up the ramp carrying this giant rolled up skin and turns to the side and looks into the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Surprised Statement: Holy kriff. Did y’all remember that there are speeders in here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s why we called it the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Have we had these the whole time?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think so.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I think. Yeah, I think the whole time you’ve been with us we’ve had them. I don’t remember exactly when we got them, actually.

NICK (as HK): Oh. Well, I guess that’s a thing. That’s good to know. Maybe we would have used speeders in the past, but… I’ll just chuck this in here I suppose. Or the wine cellar. Make a choice quickly. I may not have organic muscles, but this is very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we are putting it in here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Speeder room is a go.

NICK: So HK lifts it above his head and just chucks it into the room where it unfurls over the speeders like a drop cloth but very shiny.

[ominous music begins]

LILIT: From out in the hallway you can hear the wine cellar door opening up and you can hear the wine racks lifting up out of the floor, and you hear them pop up, and then after a second you just hear Xianna be like:

LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff? Tink?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, what? What is it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

[ominous music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you fucking replace all of the wine with… with the popsicles?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I needed a place for my excess popsicles, and this seemed like the right kind of thing. I mean, it’s just a bunch of grape juice when you look at it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did it all go?!

[emotional music begins]

Tink… Tink, there were bottles in here that were like 100 years old. Do you know how much it was all worth? I was going to drink half and sell the other half.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… If it’s 100 years old that’s clearly expired.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh Tink, that’s not how the wine works. Where did it go? Tink, where did it go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… [exhales]

LILIT: Xianna is now right in front of Tink and holding onto his hair, and she’s just kind of leaned up.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tiiink! Tink, tell me where did you put the wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s long gone by now. I put it in the airlock and it went flying.

LILIT: Xianna collapses on the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink! That was so much money, and so much wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you know, life isn’t about money and wine, it’s about friendship and—

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s all it is about! It is… All life is is money and wine. Tink! [sobs] It’s so sticky in there. Why is it so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): Some of them melted. I got the temperature readings wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): But they’re in, like, baggies. And containers. How are they so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): I eat half of them and then put them back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why do you eat only half a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sometimes I’m not hungry enough for a full one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, he’s not allowed to do this.

CAMERON (as Karma): Allowed to do what?

CAMERON: Karma’s walking up the ramp of the ship having missed this conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): He took all the wine away and put popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you even put popsicles in the wine cellar? The wine cellar is like 5 Celsius. It is not cold enough to freeze the popsicles.

HUDSON (as Tink): They just get a little mushy. But you know, honestly… Okay, Xianna, you say the wine’s gone, but I’m seeing a lot of whine in here right now.

[emotional music ends abruptly]

LILIT (as Xianna): [still sobbing] Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, if you had popsicles in here why did you need so much space in the freezers?

HUDSON (as Tink): [withdrawn] For more popsicles…

CAMERON (as Karma): How many did you buy?!

LILIT (as Xianna): You made me get rid of my frozen meals. They had the little brownie in the tray.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you know those are garbage.

LILIT (as Xianna): Those are the best ones! Yes, I know they are for children, but I like them a lot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is that the one with the chicken nuggies?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’ve got the tip-yip nuggies.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aww.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the little mac and cheese, and a veggie that I often ignore, and then a brownie. Sometimes they have a little apple spice thing. That’s good too. Karma, make him throw out the popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales] Okay, so this is one situation where I don’t think that, like… throwing out the popsicles isn’t going to fix the fact that he’s already thrown out the wine. Then we’re just out more money.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would make me feel better though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not a good enough reason. I think it would be a huge waste, and we should just all have a popsicle and calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine, but you have to take out your popsicles from the main freezer. Okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You can only have one space for popsicles. You need to consolidate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… Once I look up what consolidate means I’ll be sure to do that.

NICK: At this point you hear the clanking of boots on the entry ramp and Meelo pokes his head into the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow, nice place you got here.

NICK: He has a giant durasteel crate with backpack straps on his back, just like a cube that doesn’t look like it should be able to be held that way. He looks into the doorway of where you all are.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh! Nice popsicle cellar. Swanky!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. You look like a really shiny delivery person.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, the delivery’s… me. Ready to get out of the jungle. Sure would be cool. Can I have a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, of course. We’re actually trying to eat these down to make room for new kinds of popsicles.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you’re trying to consolidate?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as Meelo): Great. Toss me one.

HUDSON: I throw a popsicle and they catch it like an anime.

NICK: Yep. They catch it, but it also, it’s the shape of a popsicle, but when they catch it the top and bottom half fold around their hand in the package because these are very barely slushy at this point. Meelo makes a face and then tears open the top.

NICK (as Meelo): Eh, I mean I’ll drink a popsicle. I’m not proud.

NICK: And starts to chug it and then sets this big crate down in the doorway.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, it looks like you managed to get that malsoom skin all loaded up, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

CAMERON: Karma walks out of the now popsicle cellar, pauses at the doorway, fixes the temperature settings to now be a popsicle cellar…

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, you don’t want to refreeze something that’s thawed. That’s against quality guidelines.

LILIT: Xianna is still on the floor wiping her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because when they make them in the factory they freeze them at a very, very low temperature very fast, so it prevents the formation of ice crystals, so when you refreeze them in a regular freezer it takes longer so the ice crystals form.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, exactly. Xianna knows her popsicles.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You must really like popsicles. You’re the one who made the popsicle freezer, aren’t you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh…

CAMERON: Karma leaves the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no… I don’t know why I learned that, actually. I didn’t have a lot of frozen foods growing up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I see.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just always so hot that there is no way you can transport the popsicles from the store to your house without them melting, so you just kind of eat them at the store.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That sounds like a nice little treat as you’re walking around throwing food in your basket.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we would steal them, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): You would like take the popsicles, hide them in your coat, and then you would go to the bathroom. You would eat the popsicles there and then you would throw them away, and then that’s not shoplifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): A little five-finger discount going, even a ten-finger discount.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It was a very popular activity amongst all of my friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hoodlums.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON: Karma has closed up the entrance ramp and is walking back with the crate that the Stone Breaker’s in with HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do y’all… Do y’all wanna get out of the freezer?

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Yes.

NICK: It has gotten noticeably colder in there since Karma adjusted the temperature.

CAMERON (as Karma): Come on. Meelo, we can choose your room.

NICK (as Meelo): Choose my…? Wow! You have multiple births? This is a swanky ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Do you have a bed shape preference?

LILIT (as Xianna): There are eight rooms, but one of them is mine so you can’t have that one, and I guess Karma and Tink also have rooms, so there’s really five rooms for you to choose from. Just be warned that one of them is very weird and sticky and you shouldn’t go in there. Also it’s haunted, so…

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. I would like to avoid the haunted sticky room, please, but otherwise don’t have much of a preference.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. How about this one?

CAMERON: Karma opens up one of the doors at random that’s not one of the four that we called out.

NICK: Yeah, it’s just a normal room with two bunks and a little wet bar and a little on-suite refresher, because these are very nice births. Meelo says…

NICK (as Meelo): Wow! These are like captain’s quarters on most ships.

NICK: …and starts to walk in and drops his big crate with a very loud clang, and it doesn’t bounce or move. It’s very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. This ship used to be a party yacht.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it still is a party yacht, we just haven’t been partying lately.

CAMERON (as Karma): It kinda still is, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): True.

CAMERON: Karma takes the crate with the Stone Breaker and is gonna go store it somewhere.

NICK: Yeah. There’s plenty of places to put it down around the ship.

CAMERON: I think Karma just carries it in and sets the crate in the living room, like out of the walkways but it’s in the same room.

NICK: Do you keep it with the Spirit Breaker?


NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: Just forming a collection area.

NICK: Cool. Where are you keeping them?

CAMERON: I think the Spirit Breaker has been just sitting in the middle of the living room on the coffee table in one of those decorative bowls where people put glass balls, and it’s just sitting in there with some normal glass balls.

NICK: Okay. So, as you get closer to the Spirit Breaker, carrying this crate, you can feel an aura almost. It’s kind of like when you press two same pole magnets together but less intense, and with magnets it gets really strong as you get closer and really weak very quickly, and this one’s a constant push where you can feel extra resistance against the crate. It’s like on the edge of your hearing you can almost hear something as they get closer together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh…

CAMERON: Karma just sets down the crate against the wall in the living room.

NICK: The Spirit Breaker in the decorative bowl with other glass spheres rattles once and then goes still. As soon as you let go of the crate you stop hearing the noise.

CAMERON: Karma glances back and forth between the two of them for a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…

CAMERON: And turns around and heads back to where everybody else is in the ship. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] You all strap into seats around the ship. Meelo makes himself comfortable in his birth. Karma, you get ready to fly the Afternoon Delight back out of the Ithorian jungle and into space. I’m gonna need a Piloting check from you.

CAMERON: Great. What’s the difficulty on the Piloting check?

NICK: It’s gonna be average this time, because you know generally what you need to do and you’ve done it once before.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Great. So, describe your path as you wind your way through the sensor bubbles without being detected and make it back into orbit.

CAMERON: I think it’s a pretty straight-shot path, but for no reason, probably, the ship is going straight up but doing the spinning, just as it’s going up, because it looks cool.

NICK: So you make it out into orbit and you punch to hyperspace and quickly leave orbit just in case anything around was detecting you, and fall back out of hyperspace in a deserted corner of the galaxy. As you float through the darkness you all have a chance to stop and plan. We cut to all of y’all in the hot tub including Meelo who looks extremely comfortable.

NICK (as Meelo): So uh… where are you gonna drop me off exactly? I like y’all, but it’s time for me to get back to my wife and kids, and I need to figure out how to plan to get there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where do you need to end up?

NICK (as Meelo): Uh, well the family’s on Sullust, but any major spaceport will get me home. I just need to know so I can start planning, because I don’t have a ton of money, so I’m probably gonna have to do a little work to get ready to go. I just like to know what the plan is, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hey Xianna, do you know where Nolaa is at the moment?

[cute and gentle electronic music begins]

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is leaned over the side of the hot tub just texting away on the coms and leans back a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, Nolaa is in Coruscant right now. I can’t tell you what she’s doing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why can’t you tell us what she’s doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): I just can’t! She said I can’t say. But she’s in Coruscant.

HUDSON (as Tink): What does it rhyme with? What does what she’s doing rhyme with?

LILIT (as Xianna): Smarson…

HUDSON (as Tink): Smarson…?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): I do not know what smarson is.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): I bet you that Nolaa didn’t tell Xianna and that’s why she can’t say, because their relationship was damaged earlier.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay HK, calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, we have been working on that, and we have been having talks about communication and commitment issues and all of that, and I feel like we are at a very good place.

NICK (as HK): I still do not understand the significance of the toothbrush.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, HK… [exhales]

NICK (as HK): Is it because you can use it to stab people?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, partially, because it was a shank as well so you could, but it is more about the symbolism of the relationship than it was about the specific physical toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and it’s actually about the physical toothbrush, because if it’s a shank then it can hurt intruders, so really you just gave a gift.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated sounds] No, I don’t think Nolaa appreciated it because specifically it was a shank.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well she did, it was just also that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): She may have appreciated the fact that was funny, but that wasn’t why she was happy that Xianna gave it to her.

NICK (as HK): Yes Tink, never forget the old nursery rhyme: vibro-blades and stones will hurt my bones but a toothbrush will never hurt me.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, there’s a lot of ways you can kill a person with a toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. It’s an old Mandalorian saying, so…

[gentle electronic music fades]

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. Yes. Nolaa is on Coruscant, and since she had the yellow dildo crystal thingy or whatever, hopefully she just hasn’t fenced it yet and we can go and we can get it, or you know if she has fenced it we just figure out who she sold it to and we steal it back.

NICK: Meelo is just watching this conversation, turning his head back and forth, completely out of his depth and very confused.

CAMERON: Karma turns back to Meelo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Coruscant work for you?

[gentle electronic music returns]

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I guess. If you’re buying sex toys, that’s cool I guess. Like, have fun with that. I don’t… Is the thing you found on Ithor a sex toy?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t believe so.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean anything can be a sex toy if you try hard enough.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t know that.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you?

CAMERON (as Karma): But I don’t… No, I don’t think so.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not its intended purpose.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

[gentle electronic music fades]

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Well yeah, I guess we could go to Coruscant. Um… Sullust isn’t super close to there, but it’s like the biggest spaceport in the galaxy, so it should be pretty easy for me to hitch a lift there. I think I have some contacts too. I just need to make it there in one piece.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably make that happen.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can’t promise all of these things, but we can give loose… what is it, like loose guarantees.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why we wouldn’t arrive to Coruscant in one piece.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we’re getting chased by the people from Ithor?

LILIT: Xianna leans in to Meelo and just quietly says:

LILIT (as Xianna): Meelo, it seems like you maybe have a lot of commitment issues and that you expect those around you to betray you, and I can give you some good videos to watch about learning how to overcome that and trust people again.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. I was just really, really worried about being left alone in the jungle, but maybe there is more to it than that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well look, commitment issues often come from a real place of trauma and a real event, but you have to understand that same event is not going to keep happening over and over, and you have to move past it and accept it and learn from the situation and remember that you can trust most people in your life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The likelihood of you being on another herdship that gets shot down by the Empire is rather low I think.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, see, that wasn’t the situation that was so bad. Well, I mean, that was a big scary ship crash. That was pretty bad. But it was the amount of times that I saw people down on the planet and they shot at me rather than help me. That’s really why I was a little concerned about our relationship. But I do think that those are some pretty good rules to realize and live by.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know Meelo, you have to be introspective before you can be extrospective, and never forget that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh, and if you want any videos on how to properly hide glitterstim in a room I can send you those too. I don’t know why they were in the same playlist, but you know, is both helpful.

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, I am a smuggler, so I’m pretty good at hiding things already…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean yes, but sometimes, you know, you are always learning new things about your trade and your craft, and I didn’t realize some of these things, like ways to remove crown molding and hollow it out and then replace it. Never knew that one.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that’s pretty good actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

NICK (as Meelo): That had not occurred to me. I like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly. I know!

NICK (as Meelo): And your ship has a lot of crown molding.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh. Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): How many other ships have crown molding, though? It’s so strange the amount of wood that’s on this one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly the fancy ones. Mostly just the party yachts, and you would be surprised by how many party yachts I have had to hide drugs in.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think I’d actually be that surprised.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Now that I say it, it seems pretty typical for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): That tracks.

NICK (as HK): And who would expect a party yacht to be filled with super-fun drugs?

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand.

NICK (as HK): Yes, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I was saying that I would expect the party yacht to be full of drugs.

NICK (as HK): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, it’s actually a very well-known thing. That is why you have to hide it so much, because sometimes the fuzz busts in and tries to bust you and you have to pretend that you had no idea what was happening. “There are drugs? Officer, I had no idea.”

NICK (as HK): Oh, secondary user Xianna. The fuzz, that is when you “cheese it” if I recall from our previous lessons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You throw things at them and yell scatter and everybody runs away.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you see cherry toppers you gotta run.

NICK: So Meelo climbs out of the hot tub and he’s wearing little swim trunks with loth-cats on them. You’re not sure where he got them from, but maybe somewhere on the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, this has been fun, but I’m pretty tired after finally being rescued from that terrifying jungle where I had to fight for my life every day, so I think I’m gonna go take a nap until we get to Coruscant I guess. Thanks for the lift, y’all. Please don’t pump all the air out of my room or lock me up or kick me out of an airlock.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the videos Xianna suggested might be good.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I’m realizing now as I say that, that’s a pretty…

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah… Xianna, here’s my com number. Could you just send me the link to those?

LILIT: Xianna punches in some numbers and stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Here you go. I also sent you a playlist for easy recipes to make in a microwave.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, those are pretty understandably related. That makes sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I just, you know, it’s good to have.

NICK: His com beeps in a friendly way, and he looks a little confused for a second.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh yeah, I didn’t have com access for so long that now that it works again it’s kinda surprising to hear the beeping. But great, thanks you guys, and I’ll see you later.

NICK: And off he goes. HK watches Meelo walk out of the room. His body doesn’t move, but his head pivots 270 degrees as he leaves, and he turns back and says:

NICK (as HK): That organic seems suspicious.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of us? Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think he is just lonely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Does this require investigation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, okay, not this time. This isn’t the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not suspicious enough.

LILIT: Xianna perks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh. Nolaa is aware that we are going to come visit.

LILIT: And holds up the coms, and you can see in the text chat that Xianna sent spaceship, Coruscant flag emoji, kissy face, and then the person emojis for Gigoran, Nautolan, Twi’lek, with an arrow.


LILIT: Then Nolaa has replied “great, see you soon, xoxo.” [laughs]

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): See? We are going to go do things. You can’t look at the other messages.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, why not?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Partially because of the smarson, wink-wink, and partially because it is private.

HUDSON (as Tink): Privacy is a foreign concept to me.

LILIT: Xianna looks back down at the coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! She says she will take us out to pizza. She knows a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): It has been a long time since I’ve had pizza.

NICK (as HK): Karma, when was the last time that you consumed pizza for your weak organic frame?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay, don’t appreciate that comment on my frame, but I don’t remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you count pizza days at the prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not real pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was okay.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We had pizza back at the resort…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): …when we did that. Yeah. Okie, so Nolaa is going to take us out for pizza and then we will figure out where the yellow crystal thingy is. I don’t remember if we got a real name for it. Then once we figure out where it is we will go get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the dildo was called the Space Breaker.

NICK: Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it will break some spaces if you know what I mean. Ha-ha!

CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Yup.

LILIT: Xianna does finger guns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um…

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll look it up. I’ll look it up online.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, look it up maybe.

NICK (as HK): Answer to Query: Tink, that is because they have been saying that it looks like a toy used for sexual congress and it is a euphemism for using that toy as it is designed on a regular basis.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you don’t have to. He can look it up by himself. So anyways, does that sound like a good plan?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

NICK: We get an outside view of the ship floating in space, and then after a brief and beautiful look of all the stars around, the ship jumps to hyperspace again as Karma changes the heading to go towards Coruscant. The next thing that we see is the ship coming in to land on Coruscant, swooping down onto a public landing pad, and you all exiting the ship. Meelo leaves with his large crate on some straps and waves in a friendly way to you before walking off and being quickly lost in the crowd.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. Let’s go see about some pizza and dildos.

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 15 Do A Barrel Roll

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 15:
Do A Barrel Roll

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This week we have a new podcast review! Dixie L. Ross, thank you for your kind words and we’re happy you’re enjoying the show.

Also, this week we have some new patrons to thank. Starting off, Dexter! Thank you so much for your support of the show. It means the world to us. Sentinel has everyone out combing the galaxy for clues right now. I’ve got index cards and red string. Do you think you can try and make some sense of this for us? I’m stumped.

Dominic, thank you for your support as well. This isn’t the most glamorous assignment, but I need you to go with HK on a solo mission. Your job is to be his conscience. I think I can get you secondary user privileges, so hopefully he’ll listen, but if you could keep him aimed in the right direction and not captured by the Empire that would be awesome.

Thank you both for your support.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 15! It’s a lovely day, and I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce themselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, the one and only.

NICK: Until that arc where your clone shows up, you’re absolutely right.

HUDSON: Oh, you’re right.

NICK: [chuckles] Ooh, eh, it’s too late to edit it now. I guess people will just have to wonder about that. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: And last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Fantastic. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson~

NICK: Alright, two and two. So, when we last left off, you all were able to escape from prison, you left your friends that you had made in prison on a space station with some very crinkly and latexy disguises so that they wouldn’t look like prisoners anymore, and you collected your gear from where it had been stashed. Tink accidentally ended up with a Space BestBuy gift card, Karma showed off her fancy new armor, and Xianna had a lovely and heartwarming conversation with both Creamsicle and Nolaa.

CAMERON: Oh, and we learned what we’re gonna be doing for the rest of this season.

NICK: Oh yeah, and you learned—


LILIT: Oh. I thought we were gonna keep getting arrested and breaking out of increasingly more and more elaborate prisons.

NICK: No, that’s been done.

LILIT: Are we not doing a prison break season?

NICK: No. [laughs]

LILIT: I thought we were doing a prison break season.

HUDSON: I think we’re gonna do that until we find out that the real prison was our lives all along.

NICK: Oh… I was hoping you were gonna say “were the friends we made along the way.” [laughs]

HUDSON: No. [laughs]

LILIT: The real prison was capitalism.


NICK: So, we open on the Afternoon Delight popping out of hyperspace on the edges of a green and massive nebula. This is the Typhonic Nebula. The ship is covered in little statically electric remnants as it slowly enters into this area of space. You are here to attempt to recover the first of the Shattered Force items, the one that Sentinel had a lead on, and you know that it’s nestled at a specific coordinate on a distant moon deep within this nebula which doesn’t allow hyperspace travel.

You fly further and further into this space cloud, and we see that the gas of the nebula is a sickly green. A band of light pierces the entire region from a far distance, but otherwise the cloud is nearly featureless. There are sporadic floating asteroids that loom out of the mist as you inch your way through, but otherwise all you can see is green, green and green all the way through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, how did your conversation with Nolaa go?

LILIT (as Xianna): It went very well.

LILIT: Xianna walks up further into the cockpit and looks out the front windshield.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a lot of green. It looks like the time I accidentally passed out in a big container of jello.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): When did that happen?

LILIT (as Xianna): That was many years ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was it a party?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess I must have passed out into it because I woke up into it. That’s what I remember.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I was about to ask how it looked like passing out in jello, but the waking up, okay, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so I woke up and there was just green everywhere, and I had no idea what was happening, and I was like maybe I am still too high or something. Then I realized that the party had a large container of jello and I was using it as a pillow, so I was really just looking into the green jello. You would have thought that it was lime flavored, but it wasn’t, it was jogan fruit which is not green, so I have no idea who made jogan fruit jello and made it green, but… it might have been some sort of themed party, like for an event. Everything was green. I don’t know, I crashed it.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, are you referring to Saint Padawan’s Day?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. That is a made-up holiday.

NICK (as HK): Are you sure? That’s when they died the river around the imperial palace green.

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds fake! Who would actually do that? You put dye into an entire river? Is that not really bad for like the ecosystem?

NICK (as HK): No, it’s made with natural flavors or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you flavoring the river?

LILIT (as Xianna): It still feels like it would be throwing off a lot of the important ecological balance.

NICK (as HK): Oh no, it’s fine, there hasn’t been any ecological living in that river in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess in that case it is okay, but the water has to go somewhere unless it is just a big donut and it just circles forever.

CAMERON (as Karma): So is it a lazy river around the imperial palace?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we take a vacation and go to a lazy river? And we can float around and have the cooler in between our tubes, and we just float forever.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, is that the kind of rivers you can just pee in and no one knows you’re peeing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nooo.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that’s any river.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fish already pee into it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Why can’t we?

CAMERON (as Karma): I… I mean, so if you’re in an actual river, sure, go for it—I’m from Glee Anselm, I can’t comment—but not in a pool setting.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I don’t want to go to a pool one, I want to go to one of those actual rivers, because that way you can drink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): The park ones never let you drink. Well I mean, you can, but they get really mad at you and they are like “ma’am, you can’t have alcohol in here, this is for children,” and then you yell at them that yes you can, and then they kick you out.

NICK (as HK): Observation: Most local ordinances now make you pour your alcoholic beverages into water bottles to prevent littering. It’s a lot more work than it used to be.

LILIT (as Xianna): It also makes no sense, because wouldn’t you then have the extra bottle?

NICK (as HK): Well you put the water bottles into a cooler but you use, like, bike water bottles, and then you can squeeze a lime in there or whatever, but you use reusable containers. They don’t allow glass or cans anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): How does that help with littering?

NICK (as HK): Because people don’t throw away their reusable containers as much.

LILIT (as Xianna): But then they throw away the cans at the beginning.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, but you have to transfer everything over prior to getting in the river.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): So they’re assuming that, if you’re littering, you’re at least littering on land and not in the water.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it both sounds bad, so…

NICK: So, as you are having this conversation, anyone who is looking out the front view screen of the ship make me a Perception check.


LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: What difficulty of perceptioning?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Okay. One success, two advantages for Karma.

LILIT: Two successes.

HUDSON: One success for Tink.

NICK: As you are talking about various local alcohol ordinances you all see a Z-95 Headhunter stuck to the underside of an asteroid that’s rotating past the front of the ship, and you can see that there is a pilot inside of it watching your ship go by, so you immediately know that you’re not alone in this nebula. There is at least one other ship in here that’s geared up for combat actually. It has laser cannons on the wings.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s call them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why? [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): See if they’re friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t need to call them. Just look.

LILIT: Xianna does a big wave at them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know, that was a little… That was aggressive. That was an aggressive wave.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It was not aggressive!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it was aggressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, there is no reason to call and talk to them unless we have to.

NICK: The pilot in the Headhunter, they’re wearing a full helmet with a visor and a flight suit, but you see them hesitantly raise their hand and then wave back a little bit… and then you see them hit some buttons on their console and the ship starts up and starts to fly away. It quickly flies back the way that you all came.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. Let’s just ignore that.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Weird.

NICK: And you get a ping on your com system. You are getting a message from an outside source.

CAMERON: Karma hits the button.

NICK: A little hologram of someone that you recognize to be Endo shows up on the screen. He appears to be sitting in a captain’s chair.

NICK (as Endo): Wow. Fancy meeting you all here out in this nebula. What are you looking for, friends?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Who are you?

NICK (as Endo): I’m… Endo. You tried to kill me like three days ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. You got out as well?

NICK (as Endo): Yes. Thank you for your little distraction. It helped me and some of my favorite compatriots find a couple of exits.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that is why we threw the riot, so you’re welcome. Not for you specifically, for us, but I felt like it was an added bonus if other people could escape.

NICK (as Endo): Several people did, yes, and now we run into each other out here in the middle of nowhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a question, Endo. Are you still salty from that accidental… when I tripped and the knife ended up hitting you?

NICK: His face is very still, it’s made out of chitin and mechanics, but he leans into the camera a little bit so that his image gets bigger.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, that’s all water under the bridge, Tink. Why don’t we meet up and we can talk about it. What brings you out here?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. We—

CAMERON (as Karma): Sightseeing.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] There’s a concert that we’re going to in a system far, far away. It’s actually a really good, uh, it’s a concert series of, um, trip hop and Dantooinese speed gospel.

NICK (as Endo): Really? And it doesn’t have anything to do with the Imperial patrols headed this way or the valuable artifact located somewhere in this nebula?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. We are going to the music festival. We are making flower crowns and everything. Do you want a flower crown as well?

NICK (as Endo): I don’t know. Boys? Do we want flower crowns?

NICK: Flip me a dark side point as a series of proton missiles come curling around from the edge of one of these asteroids and headed straight towards the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Is that a no on the flower crowns then?

NICK: You’re gonna have to make a Piloting check to dodge these.

CAMERON: [sighs] Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, save us!

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty of my Piloting check?

NICK: This one is average.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I know you were lying about the music festival, but that is a thing we should do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh really? You like those genres?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, just in general, we should go to one, because you would look very cute in a flower crown.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we can get like matching short-shorts.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if it’s like a metal festival where flower crowns are not permitted?

CAMERON (as Karma): Flower crowns are always permitted.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. We can go to a metal music festival. We will just get black and red flower crowns and they will have spikes and horns on them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we can get matching short-shorts that are like pleather.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like that shiny vinyl stuff. It is so uncomfortable and it does not breathe, but it looks so cool. And we can have like fringe jackets or cute little bralette tops. It would be very fun. You just would not be allowed to drink or eat anything there, okay? Because you are trying to keep your straightedge, so you would have to bring your own water.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. What about straightedge where you can’t eat?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because… it’s a music festival.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh, they’re gonna spike-

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t just take water other people give you.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could have, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless it is the medic tent, then you can take that water, but any other water, no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it. That is definitely a missile coming this way.

NICK: Yup.


LILIT (as Xianna): It is, but for some reason it is taking a very long time to get here.



LILIT (as Xianna): It is almost like it is being shot through jello. Very weird how that works.

CAMERON: It’s a really slow-moving missile. Three successes on my Piloting check.

NICK: Three successes. So describe how you maneuver the ship to dodge these missiles as they crash into an asteroid next to you instead of hitting you.

[action techno begins]

CAMERON: We see the missile coming. Karma just turns the ship, and it should not be able to do a barrel roll, it was not built for this, but it does one anyway… it’s just a very slow, lumbering barrel roll. [laughs]

NICK: So we see the Afternoon Delight, which is kind of shaped like a space shuttle with two shipping containers welded to either side, just slowly loop its way around the trail of these missiles as they crash into the rock behind you, and the ship starts to emit alarms as flecks of asteroid pepper the hull. You can see on your radar that there are multiple contacts coming your direction from different ways through the nebula, and you hear Endo say:

NICK (as Endo): Well, if you’re not gonna give us the directions we’ll just have to pull it from your ship’s computer after we destroy it.

LILIT (as Xianna): To the music festival? We can give you directions. Like, it is available on the holonet.

NICK (as Endo): We know that you’re here for a Force artifact, and we’re gonna get it.

NICK: And, initiative.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

LILIT: One advantage. Love some blank dice.

HUDSON: Three successes.

NICK: Roll me two greens and a yellow, please.

CAMERON: [laughs] Fuck. Four successes and a triumph.

NICK: Oh wow! Roll that for me again?

CAMERON: No, I don’t think I will. [chuckles] Ha-ha, I didn’t. It’s only three successes and two advantages that time. HK got a success, two advantages and a triumph.

NICK: Okay. Y’all have a couple of advantages and a triumph to spend. Is there anything about this setting that you would like to use to your advantage or add to the scene to make it more advantageous for you?

[action techno ends]

HUDSON: Is he still on the holo projector?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright Endo, this is the begin-do of your end-o.


NICK: [struggles to find words]

NICK (as Endo): What?! … Cut the connection!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He gestures to the hologram and it cuts off. He will have some black dice for emotional concerns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, should Tink and I go to the guns, start doing the pew-pews?

NICK (as HK): Maybe it would be better if I was the second gunner and Tink can try to repair the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, was about to suggest that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that works too.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll repair the ship. I seem to have developed a little bit of a knack for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, you’re the mechanic.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You have like a degree in computers.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a very broad spectrum of things you learn when you’re learning “computers” in general. It’s just like saying oh, you’re good at life, like there’s just so many things encompassing life.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I know lots of people who are good at, like, life. It’s mostly knowing how to do your taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

NICK (as HK): And you should know that my life is essentially computers.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I’m not good at life, because I have never filed my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, that’s more dangerous than anything we’re doing this entire time. You might get on that. That’s—

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. No, I am legally dead, so I can’t file my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. They’ve gone after people after the grave, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): I also burned up my Social Security card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now you got ‘em. Checkmate, government.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. What are they going to do about that?


NICK: And the ship begins to be rattled by laser fire.

CAMERON: Paying attention.

LILIT: We’re having this conversation on the way out of the cockpit!

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And we have coms!

CAMERON: I flipped on the ship-wide coms. We can now just yell at each other and we’re all basically in the same room.

NICK: Yeah. So first up is an NPC, and if you could roll me two greens and a yellow, please, Cameron, against a hard difficulty.

CAMERON: Okay. One failure, one advantage, and a triumph.

NICK: Interesting. Okay.


NICK: So coming from behind an asteroid you see a YT-2400. It’s like a sleek, fast space freighter, but where it normally has a rotating cannon it has one single larger laser attached. It fires a green bolt at you and it just misses, but because it’s coming from a fairly far distance as this freighter starts to accelerate towards you it does strike an asteroid in the cloud which explodes outward in a shower of debris that makes it harder to pilot, so your next Piloting check will have a black die on it.


NICK: Up next we have a PC slot. As you scan around you can see that there’s two Z-95 Headhunters that are approaching from behind and this YT-2400 freighter as well is on its way. Who wants to go first?

LILIT: I mean, I guess I can shoot.

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I’m assuming that is a Gunnery check.

NICK: Yup.

LILIT: I don’t actually have… And what would the difficulty be?

NICK: Right now they’re at long range, so it would be hard.

LILIT: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. So, you swing your seat around. I don’t know if you remember, but the gunnery turrets are stationary plush recliners and then you have a little track ball that moves the turret around independently of where you’re sitting, and you spin it around and fire quickly but it strikes more of the rocks which are seeming to increase in frequency and explodes some stone, peppering through their shields and weakening the shields of the opposing ships.

We are up to another PC slot. Do we wanna have HK try and shoot?


NICK: Okay. So HK, from the other gun on the Afternoon Delight, says:

NICK (as HK): Acquiring targets. Firing.

CAMERON: Is he gonna be four greens or does he have any Gunnery?

NICK: Three greens and a yellow actually. He has a point in Gunnery.

CAMERON: Oh, wow~

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Still at long range?

NICK: Yep, still long range. Nobody’s moved yet.

CAMERON: Cool. Two advantages.

NICK: HK fires and the Headhunter he was targeting pirouettes out of the way gracefully and the blast disappears into the nebula cloud.

NICK (as HK): Oh, that’s weird. I really expected to hit somebody with that. Xianna, I take back all the mean things I was thinking about how you missed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Aw, thank you.

NICK (as HK): Maybe don’t miss next time though.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will try, but I am also not trained at this, but I think you are.

NICK (as HK): Disapproving grumble.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s okay, Hank. I will make you a very cute flower crown that will match with your, like, metal.

NICK: Up next is an NPC slot. One of the Headhunters accelerates to close the range and fires another brace of proton missiles at you all. I need you to roll two greens and a yellow. Medium range, average difficulty.

CAMERON: So the Afternoon Delight does have defense.

NICK: Okay, yeah, add the black die for the defense now that we’re in combat.

CAMERON: Cool, and are they shooting us from behind?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m gonna need to know which direction they’re shooting from, because it changes depending on which direction.

NICK: Right. Yeah. They’re still behind.

CAMERON: Alright. So two greens, a yellow, a black, and then the two purple?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: So these are modified and they seem bigger than what you’re used to seeing, and you are struck with several of these proton missiles for 8 damage.

CAMERON: We’ve got 3 Armor.

NICK: That was a pretty big hit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Guys, their guns are bigger than our guns, just FYI.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay, I have an idea.

NICK: Cool, it’s a PC slot, go ahead.

HUDSON: Alright. So, I want to be able to spoof one of the largest Empire ships ever coming over radar toward our ship so it scares everybody off.

NICK: Okay. Are you gonna make a death star or like a super star destroyer?

HUDSON: Super star destroyer coming towards us that will show up on everyone’s radar.

NICK: Okay. That would be a Computers check. It will be hard, because you’re spoofing a radar signal and trying to make them not realize it’s coming from you all, and it will have two black die because you’re in a nebula.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So would this be Code Breaker because I am breaking code or decrypting communications?

NICK: Yeah, I would say that since you’re trying to spoof into their stuff you could use that.

HUDSON: Okay, then I only have one black die, so I have four yellows, a green, three purples, two blue, and one black.


NICK: Nice.

HUDSON: I have four successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright! Talk me through what you’re doing.

HUDSON: So, I think to myself how can I help the situation? So I put on a camouflage bandana and I get my headphones, that are still wired because I’m old school, I don’t have wireless headphones like all the other cool kids, and I put them in my ears and I start playing Fortunate Sun by Creedence Clearwater Revival…


HUDSON: …and just like getting in the zone and focusing. We don’t have rights to that song, do we?



LILIT: Absolutely not.


HUDSON: Okay. So, I decide to break into the alert systems of all the ships surrounding us and make it so that it looks like a star destroyer is coming toward our ship and inadvertently all the other ships so it’ll scare them away.

NICK: Okay. Cameron, make me a hard Willpower check with two greens please.

CAMERON: Two successes, but three threats.

NICK: Heheh.

CAMERON: The ship falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise plays quietly in the background]

NICK: The ship falls prone. Yeah, so… do it for me one more time?

CAMERON: A success, two threats.

NICK: Oh, interesting. So the Z-95 Headhunters, Tink, you get into their systems first and you broadcast this, and one of the ships starts to wobble like it’s looking like it’s going to turn around, and it bounces off of an asteroid taking some damage but it does not actually get destroyed, and the other one continues onward. So, you can tell you’ve made the pilots very nervous but they’re more scared of Endo than they are of the Empire and they’re continuing on.


LILIT: Neat.

HUDSON: “It ain’t me. It ain’t me!”


LILIT: We can’t use any of that.

HUDSON: I know.

NICK: We’re to our last PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright. I’mma fly?

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Away? [laughs]

NICK: Away? Okay.

CAMERON: [exasperated exhale]

NICK: Are you doing any specific maneuvers or anything, or are you…?


HUDSON: “Do a barrel roll!”

NICK: That’s an actual thing.

LILIT: I don’t—Can we do a barrel roll? I don’t know.

HUDSON: The GM just said it’s an actual thing we could do.

CAMERON: I managed one earlier, but…

NICK: It wasn’t pretty.

CAMERON: I am going to do Evasive maneuvers as my maneuver.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So what this will do is, I’m just making it harder for everyone basically. It makes ships shooting at us upgrade the difficulty by one but then it also, I think, does the same thing to us.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just because I’m no longer moving in a predictable way. That’s my maneuver. My action, I’m gonna do Gain the Advantage, so we’re basically setting us up to be able to shoot one of the ships really good, and then there’s a lot of other words for how the difficulty of this is determined.

NICK: What if we just set it to hard and keep going?

CAMERON: Okay. Because it’s the relative speeds of the ships or vehicles involved in the attack—

NICK: No, we’re not doing ship speed and all that shit. No.

CAMERON: [laughs] Thank you.

HUDSON: They’re moving at 60 corks per second.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: Are y’all good if I use a light side point to upgrade this?


LILIT: Sure.

CAMERON: Because I have a lot of purples and blacks in this. Okay, one success, two threats.

NICK: Nice. So what does successfully gaining the advantage do?

CAMERON: Well, since you asked, if the check succeeds the pilot ignores all penalties imposed by his own or his opponent’s use—excuse me, use better pronouns—of the Evasive Maneuver starship. Cool, so we now don’t get bothered by my Evasive Maneuvers.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: So everybody upgrades to hit us.

NICK: Very good. Are you trying to maintain distance or let them get closer? That’s the last thing I need to know.

CAMERON: They can get slightly closer.

NICK: Like to medium range?


NICK: Okay. Describe how you evasively maneuver but keep the shots lined up for HK and Xianna.

CAMERON: Karma is flying the Afternoon Delight as she would a much smaller, more manageable ship that just flies better in general, but somehow it’s working. Part of the reason that it is working is that she’s not particularly doing evasive maneuvers like doing zigzags or anything but she’s managing to do things that no one would expect a ship of this size to be doing, like the barrel roll mentioned earlier.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: And is cutting it really close on some asteroids to turn and stuff, and the Afternoon Delight is flying more as if it is in a dogfight and is an active participant in said dogfight where it really shouldn’t be.

NICK: [laughs] Cool. All of these maneuvers allow the other three ships to get closer, but they are really having trouble zeroing in because of how erratic the ship is moving. We are to the last Headhunter’s spot. If you could roll me two greens and a yellow versus hard difficulty still. They’re closer but they’re having trouble lining up with you, trying to hit you with laser cannons.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: Oh, they totally miss, and they actually impose issues upon their other ships as they try to maneuver into a good shot, and their shields kind of overlap and it bounces the other Headhunter out of the way. Ah, that’s a bummer. We’re back to the top where the YT-2400 loops around, disappears into the clouds as you all are dashing through this nebula, and a little while later they come straight at you, head-on, firing their large laser again.


NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty because they’ll get to medium range before they fire but your evasive maneuvers are making that much more difficult, and they’re shooting with two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: Alright, and they have two black dice because we have 2 Forward Defense.

NICK: Oh okay, cool.

CAMERON: Three failures and one threat.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: They explode!

CAMERON: They got a lot of double failures. [laughs]

NICK: They’re really struggling, Karma’s just out-piloting them, and HK and Xianna’s shooting is also making them have to dodge out of the way, and they blow past, and you can just see into the cockpit of this YT-2400 as they fly over you, inverted, and you can see Endo sitting at a command chair and pointing to his pilot to do something, and they whiz by. We’re to a PC slot.

LILIT: I will shoot somebody. What range are we now at?

NICK: You’re at medium range.

LILIT: Do we have blue dice at the moment?

NICK: Yes, you have a blue die from the various shenanigans going on.

LILIT: Okay. That is two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Cool. How much damage does your laser turret do?


NICK: So that’s 8 damage total. Were you shooting at one of the Headhunters—the knock-off X-Wings—or the freighter?

LILIT: I was shooting at the Headhunter.

NICK: Okay, so Xianna, you manage to hit one of these light fighters, and you are able to disable its shields and destroy it.

LILIT: Well, Xianna pulls the trigger and it shoots a laser, and then the laser hits the ship, and it makes a fun little explosion we can hear even though that’s not how it works.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: It’s very nice. There’s fire involved as well. You know, very scientifically grounded fire explosion that we can hear.

NICK: [laughs] The engines tear themselves apart in a blossom of explosion, and that ship is gone.

LILIT: It also somehow looks like the explosion is superimposed over the backdrop of space.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Xianna, that was a very good shot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Hank.

NICK: And we move on to another PC slot. Should we have HK go or Tink?

CAMERON: I say have HK shoot.


NICK: Okay. HK says…

NICK (as HK): Alright, let’s see if I can do the same thing.

NICK: …and he shoots at the other Headhunter. He is going to take a maneuver to aim, so give him an extra blue die. He’s three greens and a yellow, this is average difficulty, and he has an additional blue die because of all the shrapnel that these Headhunters have caused for themselves.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. [snickers] Well, that ain’t great, Hank. Two advantages.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I didn’t roll any successes or any failures. It’s just threats and advantages, and blank dice.

NICK: Wow~ Okay. HK fires rapidly and manages to hem the other two ships close together so they’re not able to maneuver as well, so they’ll have black dice on their actions, but he is not able to hit them as they are too maneuverable and HK is having a little bit too much fun pressing the trigger button more than actually hitting anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank, why are you so shitty at this today?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Maybe I won’t make you a flower crown. I’ll just make you like a silly headband. It won’t be as cool as us.

NICK (as HK): Irritated groaning noise. Look, I’m trying the best I can, but I do not need a flower crown.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can still wear the matching short-shorts.

NICK (as HK): Good, that was the part I was concerned about.

NICK: The last Headhunter is going to go, firing another missile at you all. It’s going to be hard difficulty. They have two black dice, but they are rolling two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: [sighs] They’re really just struggling.

[groovy rock music begins]

So we zoom out and we see, through this green cloud, the Afternoon Delight spiraling and juttering in between obstacles and the mist, and this YT-2400 and this little knock-off X-Wing both flying after it, and there’s lasers and missiles flying in both directions, it’s lit up, it’s very exciting, and no one’s hitting anything. Up next we have a PC slot. We could either do Piloting or Tink could try to repair the ship a little bit.

HUDSON: How damaged are we?

CAMERON: Five out of 25.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can repair the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, the ship’s butt is hurt.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, not the butt!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it has a… has a few scratches. It has some booboos, some ouchies. You know what, I’ll take care of it.

HUDSON: So I walk to the butt of the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it is technically called the butt. I think it is called the ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, I think it’s aft.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s ass. I think… I think Xianna’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you call it aft? That makes no sense. That is like made-up. The ass is a real word.

HUDSON: So, I see that the ship has been hit really hard in the butt, so the wall is kinda shaking like it’s about to fly off, so what I do is I find a mixture of metal and cardboard and I just tape up a wall in front of the wall so if it falls off we have secondary wall.

NICK: Wow, okay. Roll me a Mechanics check at average difficulty to repair this missile impact site.

[groovy rock music ends]

HUDSON: Two triumphs with their successes, four additional successes, and three threats.

NICK: Okay, so you completely repair the damage. What do you spend two triumphs on? You don’t even need the triumphs to repair the damage, so… Do you find something cool? Do you somehow manage to damage one of the other ships? What happens?

HUDSON: I just got this inspiration to start painting a mural with spray paint cans, but it’s like really crappy and we’re in the middle of a battle so I’m not gonna spend a ton of time on it, but I start spray painting it and I trip and a spray paint can kind of breaks through one of the exhaust and floats out through space. You can see the can flipping and flipping and flipping and then it hits the window of one of the Headhunter ships and just explodes. They can’t see anything anymore.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh my gosh. Let’s say it fell into one of the trash chutes and got jettisoned.


NICK: And you fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise]


NICK: But we see a droid flying a Headhunter spinning in towards you, and then there’s the slow tumble of this can of spray paint, and then it hits on the front of their ship, explodes in a red cloud and they can’t see anything, and then a couple of seconds later they smash into an asteroid because they’re flying really fast through an asteroid field. You’re down to just the YT-2400 that has Endo and his crew on it. We’re to the last PC slot.

CAMERON: I’m going to continue Evasive maneuvers and trying to gain the advantage with my Piloting check. Is it still a hard Piloting?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Two successes and four threats.

NICK: Interesting. While they are not able to target you in an effective way they are able to start predicting what your dodging patterns are, so it’s going to be a harder shot, but if they get lucky they’re gonna hit somewhere more important. They’ve started shooting into a specific vector because you keep dodging into that vector which makes you have to change what you’re doing.

We are back to the top, and they are going to fly around in a big loop again and attempt to strafe the top of the ship and stay out of their gun range. This is going to be average, because they’re gonna close in to close range to try to shoot you, and they are shooting their big old laser, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade that to two yellows and a green, and it’s going to be average difficulty. They do have two black dice though. But yeah, they’re shooting the side of your ship this time.

CAMERON: Okay. Port or starboard? … It doesn’t matter, they’re the same.

NICK: Port.

CAMERON: One failure.

NICK: Wow. So they buzz by, they’re just really struggling to hit. You’re able to continually dodge them after the initial missile volley, and they are close to you and pretty much exposed as their weapons recharge. We are to another PC slot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s ask them to surrender!

CAMERON (as Karma): Just shoot ‘em.

HUDSON (as Tink): That seems needlessly—Well, I guess he does want to kill me, doesn’t he?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, they shot us first.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): And if we scare him enough because we shoot him enough maybe he’ll just jump out of his ship and fall into space.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we just shoot them until the ships blow up and then they are dead.

CAMERON (as Karma): That appears to be what he does is he jumps off of things and disappears into space. There’s been a pattern.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can shoot.

LILIT: Are we at medium range?

NICK: You’re at short range now.

LILIT: Ooh. Do I have any blue dice? I believe so. And I will aim. … No good, and no good. Two failures, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. You herd this ship down towards the underside of your ship where it gives HK a clean shot, so he’ll have some blue dice on his, but you all are just this spiraling ballet of piloting acumen. HK’s going to go. He’ll aim, so it’ll be three greens and a yellow and a blue die versus one purple.

CAMERON: Does he get another blue die from Xianna’s advantage?

NICK: Oh yeah, for gaining the advantage he has two more blue die.

CAMERON: Thank you. You can’t short-change Hank. We have to let him murder things good. Well, the purple die is blank, so…


CAMERON: Let me math real quick. Five successes and five advantages!

NICK: Oh… Hey! Do we wanna roll on the ship crit chart?!

CAMERON: [gasps] Yeah!

LILIT: [gasps] Yeah~

NICK: What’s the crit rating on those laser cannons?


NICK: Okay, so it’s just one crit then.

CAMERON: The only time we’ve ever rolled on the ship crit chart is when we were trying to roll on the Human crit chart and… we were wrong.

NICK: Yeah.


CAMERON: That is a 96.

NICK: What’s a 96 do?

HUDSON: Black hole is formed.

NICK: [laughs] Space-time destroyed. Game over.

CAMERON: A 96, Engine Damaged: The ship or vehicle’s maximum speed is reduced by 1 point, to a minimum of 1, until the critical hit is repaired.

NICK: Okay. Both of these large ships—the Afternoon Delight is a bit larger than the YT-2400, but they’re spinning around each other, and HK finally says…

NICK (as HK): Oh, maybe if I just destroy the engines they’ll leave us alone.

NICK: …and there’s a long pause, and a single burst of blaster fire strikes the engine cluster on the back of the ship and it immediately starts to belch fire and smoke and go slower and slower, and you are now able to completely outdistance it. You could just leave it in the nebula and it’s not gonna be able to find you anymore, or you could try and kill it, up to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nice shot, HK.

NICK (as HK): Thank you. The previous shots were me calibrating to this gunnery turret as I am a consummate professional.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

LILIT (as Xianna): You have won back a flower crown.

NICK (as HK): I would like to exchange my flower crown for additional vinyl shorts.

LILIT (as Xianna): You want to just wear two pairs?

NICK (as HK): Maybe I’ll change colors halfway through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, okay.

HUDSON: I call Endo on the holo phone.

NICK: He picks up immediately. There’s sparks shooting in the background that you can see picked up on the hologram. You’re still in the rear of the ship, but you hit the com button that’s next to the door, because there’s little holo coms in each room.

NICK (as Endo): [angrily] What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think someone owes someone else an apology for being a little bit mean earlier.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, I’m sorry, did the fact that you destroyed two ships with friends in it and the fact that we’re trying to steal things from you not show that we’re enemies?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just saying you have a chance to turn things around as your ship is blowing up in front of you.

NICK (as Endo): No, it’s just really damaged. It’s not gonna blow up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s… Alright, it was great talking to you.


NICK: I was gonna give you the chance to roll like an Intimidation check or something, but—

HUDSON: Well yeah, because we’re gonna blow up the ship. I just didn’t wanna get in the way.


NICK: Are you just gonna kill him?

HUDSON: Yeah, we’re just gonna kill him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Tink’s like “Alright, that was your chance, nah.”

NICK: Okay, and you hang up. We’re to… That NPC’s dead. We’re to another PC slot. Tink, did you wanna try to disable them or hack their system, or do we wanna just let the gunners go again?

HUDSON: I just want the gunners to kill it.

NICK: Okay. Lilit, you wanna shoot these motherfuckers?

LILIT: Sure.

NICK: They’re still at close range. Their speed is down. You get two blue dice, and you can get another blue die for aiming, and it’s one purple.

LILIT: I will aim then.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That is three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright, yeah. You’re able to disable this ship, dramatically. Where do you shoot it?

LILIT: The ass.

NICK: You shoot it in the ass! The engines flair and explode outwards, and the ship begins to drift dead in space. Tink, the com call that you had connected to Endo had been trying to reconnect with you as Endo tried to call you back when you hung up, and it goes dead. The ship is destroyed. You have completely defeated it.

You’re able to fly off into the nebula. You can see that the ship was leaking atmosphere behind you. It’s done for. After taking some quick turns and navigating a little bit closer you’re able to find this small moon nestled inside the middle of the nebula.

After you pull into the moon you’re able to find a small square building nestled into a crater on the north pole of this moon and you figure that that’s probably your destination, and we see you set down and the ramp drop and the four of you stepping off of the ship, and you have those clear breathing masks with the tubes that connect to their belt because there isn’t good atmosphere on this little moon, and they walk towards the low square building. That’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 14 PowerPoint You in the Right Direction

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 14:
PowerPoint You in the Right Direction

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This week we have two new patrons to thank. First of all, Steve and Elaine Robertson. That’s my parents! Thank you so much for supporting the show. Your generosity knows no bounds. The crew of the Afternoon Delight may need some strategy consultants in the coming months, and I hope you’ll clear your calendars. Make sure to brush up on your strategic invasion plans. Erika Hammel, thank you so, so much for your support. Karma has a long to-do list around the ship that never seems to get done and is willing to exchange vibro-sword training for a helping hand, so I hope you have some skills repairing the ambient lighting and also have an interest in cool swishy sword techniques.

This episode features a patron-created NPC. Kelbin Blitz is the creation of Tucker Maltby. Thanks again, Tucker, for your wonderful support.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 14! I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Bringing it into the new season, it’s chilly outside and we’re cold in our hearts.

LILIT: [flatly] Correct.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yes. Indeed.

CAMERON: I was confused. I thought you meant like the new season of Tabletop Squadron. I was like, Nick, this is Episode 14 of the new season. We’ve been there.

NICK: No, like weather season, weather season.


HUDSON: I thought you meant it’s cold in our hearts and chili in our bowls.

NICK: That too.

LILIT: I didn’t make chili today!

HUDSON: Oh yeah, it was, uh…

LILIT: There’s no chili in our bowls.

HUDSON: It was shepherd’s pie.

LILIT: Yes, it was a lentil shepherd’s pie.

NICK: Shepherd’s pie in our bowls.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: It was delicious. [laughs] Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce their selves, say who you’re playing, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we were together go ahead and let us know what you spent that on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I used my experience to buy Disarming Smile which allows me to make an opposed Charm check and lower a target’s Defense rating.

NICK: Oh wow. Wonderful. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I spent some of my experience points to get a new talent on my Marauder tree, and I bought another rank in Toughened, so I gained another 2 to my wound threshold.

NICK: What does that bring your wound threshold to?

CAMERON: Twenty-two.

NICK: … That’s a lot. I think that’s more wounds than a TIE fighter has?

CAMERON: I am a TIE fighter.

NICK: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: We are slowly turning into Voltron.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Hey, it’ll work.

LILIT: With my cargo space and her armor we soon will be a mech.

NICK: Oh my gosh. We’ll just tape jetpacks to all of y’all and then use the vehicle rules going forward.

LILIT: Tink is gonna learn how to jetpack and he will be that component.

HUDSON: No-no-no, you’re a mech and I’m a PC, and we’ll have commercials where we battle each other.

CAMERON: [long groan]

NICK: [laughing groan]




NICK: No. And last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I had a lot of experience that I needed to spend.

NICK: Yup.

HUDSON: So, I spent 70 points out of my 90…


HUDSON: …and I bought three things on my tree. I got Codebreaker to remove one black die per rank in Codebreaker from checks to break codes or decrypt communications, and it decreases the difficulty of checks to break codes or decrypt communications by one.


HUDSON: I also bought Mental Fortress: Spend one Destiny Point to ignore effects of critical injuries or Intellect or Cunning checks until the end of the encounter. That’s pretty good.

NICK: Yeah, especially because you get critically injured a lot.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: I do. Then the most exciting one, Dedication: I gain +1 to a single characteristic.


NICK: Yay~

LILIT: Nice.

HUDSON: I put 1 in Agility, so that made it go from 2 to 3.

NICK: Cool! [laughs] So that’s everybody I guess. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.


NICK: So that’s four dark side points, you say?

CAMERON: Yes it is.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Good. Wonderful.

LILIT: Gonna be fine.

NICK: It’ll be fine! So when we last left off you had recently escaped from prison. Congratulations.


NICK: You and your three newest and closest friends had hijacked a freighter that was dropping off supplies, convinced the captain to take you somewhere else, and had just arrived near the Janga Shipyards. So, let’s go ahead and get into it.

We see the boxy freighter piloted by your new and apparently old friend, Kelbin Blitz, settle gently on a landing pad in a bustling industrial area. You have made it to the Janga Shipyards, an out of the way stop for long-haul freighters and emergency repairs. It is far from the eyes of the Empire, and the people you see wandering around outside look relaxed but vigilant. The entire station seems to be made of blocky gray pieces welded together, and a diffused yellow light washes over every surface. It’s source is unclear.

So the ship sets down and you all are kind of clustered into this tight space. Kelbin turns around in his chair and says:

NICK (as Kelbin): Alright gang, this is it. I guess you may be a little obvious in these prison clothes. Xianna looks good, but everybody else, just, if you could get away from my ship as fast as possible so that we don’t get in trouble, that’d be good, and I’ll leave, and it’s been fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, thank you~

HUDSON (as Tink): Great riding with you. It was a smooth ol’ ride.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah, I specialize in being smooth.

NICK: He winks with his very large Bith eye, and the landing ramp falls down with a clang, and you can exit the ship if you want.

HUDSON: I leave after giving a very crisp thumbs up to him.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, bye everybody.

NICK: He does the awkward finger-wiggle wave at you, and you all leave the ship. You’re about two parking spaces away from where we can actually see the Afternoon Delight has been long-term docked. Karma, this is where you left your ship before getting arrested on purpose.


NICK: Before infiltrating the prison to help Sentinel to escape. As you get close, bystanders are giving some odd looks to Karma and Blue and Tadzi and Sentinel and Ziller in their prison jumpsuits.

CAMERON: Ziller could have taken his off too.

NICK: He didn’t though.


NICK: You get to the door of the Afternoon Delight and the panel indicates that the ship has been locked down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, how do we unlock the… Hey, karma, how do you unlock this?

CAMERON (as Karma): I just need to go pick up the keys with the mechanic.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh!

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. That scared me for a second. Sorry.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I didn’t take the clicker with me. That would have been dumb.

NICK: So you head your way over to the office where you have docking fees and things. Karma, you had prepaid the docking fee so that wasn’t an issue. There is an attendant there that is a Selkath wearing an orange jumpsuit with a vest that is staring blankly into space and seems to be ignoring you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Joe! How’d she go?

NICK (as Joe): You’ve been gone for a while. I didn’t think that you were gonna be gone that long this time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I didn’t either, but… ended up, on my vacation, found a bounty and then, you know, felt obligated to turn them in, and that took a bit longer than expected, because normally it just goes a lot faster because I have my own ship, but I was like hitchhiking with a bounty which is something that I would not recommend doing. It’s a little weird.

NICK (as Joe): Yeah, I’m surprised somebody would let a bounty hunter with their bounty hitch a lift. You must have been very persuasive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mostly helped I found a prison transport that was heading to Kajim anyway, so…

NICK (as Joe): Ahh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Didn’t have to do the convincing to get there, because they were already there, just had to haggle for some cargo space.

NICK (as Joe): Great. Well what can I help you with?

CAMERON (as Karma): Just need to pick up the Afternoon Delight.

NICK (as Joe): Well, it’s right where you left it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, I know, but you have my keys.

NICK (as Joe): What keys?

CAMERON (as Karma): Those keys.

CAMERON: Karma points, and it has an adorable keychain on it that is a little loth-rat.

NICK: A little loth-rat keychain?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Joe laughs.

NICK (as Joe): Ah… I was hoping to get a little bit more of a rise from you for that joke, but yeah, here you go. You paid in advance, so you’re good to rock and roll.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you!

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns and walks over to the ship.

NICK: We get one of those clock wipes that goes in a circle, and we see Karma and Tink and Xianna and Tadzi and HK and Ziller and Blue all gathered around the hot tub which has the lid on it as the ship is slowly booting up and you can hear the sound of the lights turning on throughout the ship and it coming out of rest mode. You have a minute to yourselves. The current plan was to drop your new friends from Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility here, but they seem a little nervous about heading out on their own right away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Everyone, get in, we’re doing a selfie.

[quirky music begins]

Oh, Sentinel, is there a thing like if there’s a picture taken of you it doesn’t show up because of the way you are…?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): What?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, Tink…

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, that is just vampires.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s just mirrors. Oh, it’s just mirrors with Sentinel. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s vampires, not Jedi.

NICK (as Sentinel): What?!

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’s mirrors either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh… Jedi don’t—? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, vampires don’t show up in mirrors. That is like a very common trope.

HUDSON (as Tink): But Sentinel’s not a vampire. I just thought that, you know…

NICK (as Sentinel): How about I take the photo? I don’t really need photo evidence of who I’m associating with.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well now I am suspicious, Sentinel. Why don’t you want to be in the photo?

NICK (as Sentinel): Because I’m a wanted criminal?

LILIT (as Xianna): Is it because you’re not going to show up in it?

NICK (as Sentinel): No! I’m going to—Look.

NICK: He grabs the data pad that Tink was holding and poses and does kawaii peace sign fingers and a really big smile and goes (click) and then turns the screen around to show you a picture of Sentinel looking kawaii. There is a little bit of distortion on the photo, but otherwise he’s in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Okay, sure. This checks out. That’s not like an illusion or something, right?

NICK (as Sentinel): So could you delete that photo, please? I just don’t think it turned out that well.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it looks very super cute.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, well…

HUDSON: I say “sure” and then I back it up to the cloud.


CAMERON: But then make a big show of pressing Delete and showing Sentinel that it’s gone now.

HUDSON: Yes, exactly.

[quirky music ends]

NICK (as Sentinel): Again, one of the most wanted people in the galaxy responsible for rebellious action against the Empire. Just don’t want photos of me floating around that can be used to derail my plans to bring freedom to the galaxy. You all understand, you’ve helped me before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, which is why Tink deleted the photo.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I post selfies of my crimes all the time and I have never been caught because of them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, she calls them crimies.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not what I call them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well that’s what I call them.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve only ever been caught for unrelated events.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I believe that you are discounting the contribution that your “crimies” may have made towards the act of apprehending you.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, because most of the times that I have been arrested it has had nothing to do with the selfies. I mean, two of the times I turned myself in on purpose.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, to be fair though, the selfies are linked to your profile.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which one? I have lots of profiles.

HUDSON (as Tink): In Spacebook.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, not in Spacebook, within the bounty hunter logs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have like ten Spacebook profiles.

NICK: They’re all friends with each other so that Xianna’s follower count is higher.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And so that they can catfish more effectively.

[groaning laughter]

LILIT: Yes, because you want to make it look like you have real friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): A few of the times I have been arrested it was because I went up and antagonized the troopers, so I really don’t feel like the selfies have ever impacted it.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, does anyone else want to be a big baby like Sentinel and not be in the group photo, or are we gonna do a group photo, fam?

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m good with doing a group photo.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah brother. Let’s take a picture of all of us having recently escaped prison. That can’t backfire at all, can it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope.

NICK: Blue nods slowly.

NICK (as Blue): Yes, I think that a group photo to commemorate this event is in order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay! Alright, Sentinel, here’s the camera. Do I need to show you how to use it?

NICK (as Sentinel): I literally just took a selfie, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, but do you know how to turn the camera around the other way?

NICK: He rolls his eyes…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: …and rolls his chair back so that he can get everybody in the frame and holds it up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Everybody strike a cute pose and say… balance to the Force.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cheese~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Balance—Cheese.

CAMERON (as Karma): Balance to the Force… This is not a good smiling saying. Force brings all of your mouth like forward, not in a smile.

NICK: Click!


NICK: And we get a cute photo of everyone having escape prison looking very happy. Tadzi turns around and looks at everybody and takes a step back from the group.

NICK (as Tadzi): So, I think I can make whatever I need to happen happen here in the spaceport. Could I borrow some clothes or something? I’d rather not wander around wearing a jumpsuit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Come this way, I’ll show you our costume closet.

NICK (as Tadzi): Awesome!

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue, do you need anything?

NICK (as Blue): Yeah, a jumpsuit sounds nice. That would be helpful I think.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, come on. Ziller, I’m assuming you’re good, that you’re just gonna strip.

NICK: [laughing] Ziller grabs the hips of his prison jumpsuit and pulls, tearing it away in one smooth motion, revealing that he has like an ammo belt on underneath.

[fabric tearing sound]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that’s what I thought. Cool.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah brother, I’m ready to go.

NICK: So what outfits do you pick out for Blue and Tadzi?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, ooh! Karma, Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Do these two.

HUDSON: I point to two outfits. One of them is the color pallet of light gray, like a shiny gray and a dark blue, and the other one is dark blue and yellow, and they’re like kind of latex but a loose crinkly latex, and it looks like what the 90s thought the future of space would look like.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I’m getting this directly from the movie Good Burger when they’re in Mondo Burger and all of the people are wearing the Mondo Burger uniforms.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I know exactly what outfit you are talking about.

CAMERON: I feel this.


NICK: Yeah, so for some reason you have one of those in Herglic size and one of those in Tadzi’s size as well. They suit up.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well, you know, I have gotten pretty used to jumpsuits, so I’m fine just kinda switching it out for something—well, I was going to say less conspicuous, but hiding in plain sight’s a thing.

NICK: Blue nods.

NICK (as Blue): Yeah, I don’t feel conspicuous at all. I’m sure it will be fine.

NICK: So you all meet back up and we see the ramp of the Afternoon Delight come down, and Ziller gives a thumbs up to everyone.

NICK (as Ziller): Honestly, I’m surprised to have lived through that, brother. I really thought that we were going to have a conflict of interest and it was going to end in mortal combat. So… here’s to new friends, I guess.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, to new friends! I’m excited that we were able to reconnect, brother, and I’m sure that we’ll cross paths eventually. There’s no need to cry over me. I’m… I’m fine. [sobs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Ziller, if we cross paths again and you’re doing crimes I will arrest you again.

NICK (as Ziller): Not if I arrest you first. Heh-ha!

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think you understand how this works.

NICK (as Ziller): Well, with that very clear communication, off I go to do not crime.

NICK: Ziller leaves, and Blue says:

NICK (as Blue): This has been a lot of fun. Karma, if you need something heavy lifted, you let me know. I’d be happy to work with you again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks!

CAMERON: We touch data pads and it magically transfers our contact information to each other. [laughs]

NICK: Sure. She hefts the huge repeating blaster that she’s had with her this whole time and walks out into the crowd. Tadzi looks at all of the group, and they seem a little more hesitant to leave.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well… goodbye everyone.

NICK: Tadzi leans in and puts a hand on the side of HK’s face.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’ll miss you most of all, tin man.

NICK: Then they turn and say:

NICK (as Tadzi): Just kidding! Bye Xiann, love you~!

LILIT (as Xianna): Byeee~!

NICK: And off they go, and you have the ship to yourself, just the crew of the Afternoon Delight and Sentinel, and the ramp goes up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Now that our… I guess accomplices is the best word. Now that our accomplices have left, I have something I need to talk to you all about. Would you be willing to listen?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I like the word compatriots better, but sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will sit here, but I cannot promise I will listen the entire time.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s fine. I was actually going to go to the holo theater. I have sort of a presentation, I think, if I can find where the file is stashed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay. Yeah, sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Slideshows can make it more fun.

NICK (as Sentinel): We’ll do that then.

NICK: He heads down the hall. You go to the holo theater, and you can see he’s tapping through the core computer and pulls up a file that, Tink, you don’t recognize but looks like it was saved locally.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ve been working on this for… longer than we’ve known each other, but we got a little sidetracked helping the Rebellion.

LILIT (as Xianna): [as a groan] Oh no, Sentinel, please don’t make us read your screenplay.

NICK (as Sentinel): No, no-no-no, the screenplay I already have a couple of investors for.

NICK: He smiles real wide.

NICK (as Sentinel): There, I went along with the joke. Did it work?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yay. Very good, very funny.

NICK (as Sentinel): Thank you, Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Do you actually have a screenplay or not?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, I don’t have a screenplay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ve been organizing military action for the last five years. When would I have had time to do that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know what you do in your free time.

NICK (as Sentinel): You have free time?! How do I get that? That sounds amazing.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just, uh, skirt responsibilities.

NICK (as Sentinel): Ah, that doesn’t sound like something I would be interested in doing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or, you share your responsibilities with other people so that you all have more free time.

NICK (as Sentinel): What a wonderful suggestion, Xianna. Now that you bring that up, let’s talk a little bit about a new responsibility I may be able to interest you all in.

NICK: Sentinel clicks a controller and you can see some geometric shapes show up on the holo display in various colors and patterns.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t have any images of the items themselves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are these the plans for your new makeover for your little loft?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, this is a series of powerful and mysterious artifacts, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): There better be some wacky transitions in this presentation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I like the clip arts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, do you have the clip arts?!

NICK: Sentinel rolls his eyes and hits a button on the controller and the slide shifts to the next one and it shows the Imperial logo and you hear (whoosh).

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh, I love the way you made the Imperial logo pinwheel in.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very nice.

[low humming music begins]

NICK (as Sentinel): So, there are a series of artifacts referred to as the Shattered Force.

NICK: He hits another slide, (whoosh) and it shows the Jedi symbol.

NICK (as Sentinel): These are items that were imbued with power and the capabilities to rearrange the galaxy itself if placed within the right… or wrong, hands. An ancient prophecy says that balance can be restored to the Force if these seven items are brought together. There’s debate amongst the translations, but if someone were to use all seven at the same time they may be able to become one with the Force. They could become a god.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Aren’t we all like one with the Force? Isn’t it like inside all of us? Because it’s not a vampire, you don’t have to ask it in, it just can go there.


NICK: Sentinel stops. You can tell that this is something he’s been thinking about and you’ve knocked him off track.

NICK (as Sentinel): [stammers] No, become one with the Force like gain true and unified control with the power that flows through the entire galaxy, a power that’s unbelievably strong.

LILIT (as Xianna): … If you say so. I thought we all have the Force inside of us, it’s just that some people are better equipped to manipulate it and use it, and that’s what it is.

NICK (as Sentinel): Why do you know so much about the Force, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea. I think one of those educational channels got left on while I took a nap and I just absorbed it all. There was something about midi-chlorians?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the Mighty Midi-chlorians, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, the mitochondria.

HUDSON (as Tink): [singing] The Mighty Midi-chlorians are coming for you~

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that song.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh no, midi-chlorians, that’s not a real thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s like a phrenology stuff. That’s not real.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s bad.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s an old belief that some people cling to but doesn’t have really anything to do with the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s probably why the video I saw was in black and white.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yep, those old Jedi Temple videos get a little weird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because everyone knows that new holos are in blue and white.

NICK: Sentinel shakes his head as though trying to collect his thoughts.

NICK (as Sentinel): So, this god-like Force power, I want to harness it to destroy the emperor. I don’t think we need to use them all at once, but these incredibly powerful items even operating independently could change the balance of power in the galaxy. I know the emperor has been looking for them, but I don’t think he’s found any of them yet. I’ll be honest, after my imprisonment what little remained of my funds from the Fondor operation went to covering the end of expenses for final wrap-up operations, but this is wildly important. I hope that you would be willing to help me for the sake of the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you’re telling me that I get to steal shit, I am always down for that.

NICK (as Sentinel): And you steal shit to help destroy the Empire.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess that is like an extra bonus.

NICK (as Sentinel): If you were able to find even one of these artifacts they could potentially lead you to more, and I have a lead on a single one at this time.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I want to know what they all are.

NICK (as Sentinel): We don’t know, exactly.

CAMERON (as Karma): You just know that there’s seven ‘items’ in the galaxy?

NICK (as Sentinel): There’s seven mystical items. Yes. Well, that’s not true. I don’t know what they all are. One of them I have already attempted to send you to go and collect, and you failed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, also, it had already been turned into underwear.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, was it the thong?

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, I believe the power would have been still able to work though, even if the shape had been fundamentally changed.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if I’m a mystical item? What if I’m the piece you need?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] What if the real treasure was in Tink all along?!

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] It’s always been in me.

NICK: Tink, Sentinel nods seriously.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, come here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Lean in close so that I can touch your face.

NICK: He holds his hand up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Am I being anointed?

NICK (as Sentinel): Sure. I want to see something.

NICK: He reaches out and puts his hand on your forehead, and he closes his eyes. Nothing seems to happen for a while, and Sentinel furrows his brow and seems to be concentrating very carefully, then he gently slaps the side of your cheek and sits back in his wheelchair.

[low humming music ends]

NICK (as Sentinel): Nope. Sorry. You don’t have anything that’s going to be useful as far as the mystical Force powers go. I had some hopes, but looks like that’s not amongst your skillset.

LILIT: Xianna pops out of her chair.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh! Wait.

LILIT: Then runs into her room and you just hear a lot of shuffling and things being thrown around, and after a moment Xianna comes back with a box.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Sentinel, I have this weird creepy mask. Is this one of your artifacts?

LILIT: And pulls out the mask.

NICK: It looks kind of like the masks from Knights of the Old Republic, like the full helmet with the very basic features and scary stripes. Sentinel sits up straight.

NICK (as Sentinel): [shaken] What the kriff are you doing with that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’ve been keeping it in a box.

NICK (as Sentinel): You didn’t try to put it on or anything, did you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I did, but there was like weird static or something, so I took it off. It didn’t really fit over my lekku anyways.

NICK (as Sentinel): That is not one of the mystic items. If you could place that back in the box… and then destroy it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. But wait, what happens if I put it on?

NICK (as Sentinel): Don’t. Don’t put it on. Xianna…

LILIT (as Xianna): But what happens?!

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I cut out holes in the back for my lekku?

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna, look me in the eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Do not put on that mask.

LILIT (as Xianna): What happens if I do?!

NICK (as Sentinel): You will be possessed by an ancient and terrifying Sith ghost.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, but that sounds so much fun!

NICK (as Sentinel): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I have a baby sitter that can like watch while I do it so that I don’t do anything bad and can make sure I stay hydrated?

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re going to have a babysitter for the rest of your life, because we will never be able to remove the Sith spirit from your body.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. It doesn’t come back off with the helmet?

NICK (as Sentinel): No. Don’t put on the mask.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would it not come back off if you take the mask off?

NICK (as Sentinel): Because it’s a prison for that horrible Sith ghost of some kind. I don’t recognize those markings.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did they put a prison in the mask?!

LILIT (as Xianna): A mask is the worst place for a prison, because people are going to put it on.

NICK (as Sentinel): Look, I’m not an expert in ancient Jedi rituals from the time of the Jedi Sith Wars. That was just a thing that they did.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you not, like, imprison it in an object that nobody was going to use? Like a shoehorn. You know, those things that help you get your shoes on? I don’t actually know anyone who uses them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I used it to stir my milk once.

CAMERON (as Karma): Gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t have anything to stir my milk into the cereal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why were you stirring your milk into the cereal?

HUDSON (as Tink): To get it just equally soggy.

NICK (as HK): I once killed a man with a shoehorn.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so I guess HK uses a shoehorn, and I guess there are probably people who use it to help them get shoes on. Okay, so maybe it wouldn’t work, because then somebody’s foot would get possessed with the Sith spirit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or somebody’s shoe would.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the shoe would, however that one works. They should have put it in like a jar of Marmite or something.

NICK (as HK): Sentinel, was the Sith originally imprisoned in a shoehorn which then imprisoned it in a shoe which then imprisoned it in someone’s foot which then imprisoned it in someone’s sock which then imprisoned it in that mask?

NICK (as Sentinel): What?! No. Look, the ritual involved a mask, I think they put it on the—

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. What if we put the mask on top of Creamsicle? Would she become possessed by the Sith spirit?

NICK (as Sentinel): It depends on Creamsicle’s capacity for channeling the Force, really. I wouldn’t risk it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think she has that capacity.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So we gotta find these artifacts. I know exactly what’s needed. I think we need to put Hank back into investigation mode.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is never happening ever again. We will not speak of that time that it happened. We don’t need to go into it.

NICK (as HK): Please no. Please, Tink, please no.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] Okay, fine.

NICK (as HK): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): It killed him. He was dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): He wasn’t dead.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes he was. He died.

CAMERON (as Karma): He was no longer Hank.

NICK (as HK): I was not dead. It was worse than death.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): The cap was so ugly.

NICK: In an expression that you’re becoming more and more familiar with, and Sentinel seems more and more comfortable making, he puts a finger on each of his temples and rubs for a second.

NICK (as Sentinel): Alright. Can I finish telling you about these massive superweapons, please, and what I need you to do?

HUDSON (as Tink): How many slides are left?

NICK (as Sentinel): Like three?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, well I’m good.

NICK (as Sentinel): And one just says Questions.

NICK: So he hits a button.

NICK (as Sentinel): The one that I’ve been able to track is called the Spirit Breaker. It appears to be an orb that interferes with people’s Force sensitivity. I don’t know what else it can do.

NICK: He hits a button and the slide changes and you just see a blue crystal orb about the size of a softball.

NICK (as Sentinel): I was able to track it through the use of many different resources and contacts to a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula. It looks like it was sent with a Jedi there before the Clone Wars, and I was able to get that information from the old Jedi records.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I have seen that before.

NICK (as Sentinel): Really?

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, it looks like one of those balls that light up and people bring to raves and do cool tricks with. You know, one of those?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, like a light-up fushigi.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes!

NICK (as Sentinel): No, actually I don’t know one of those.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’ve never—Okay, we will go to a rave the next time we are on a cool city, and it is lots of fun.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’ll tell you what, if you assemble the seven items of the Shattered Force I will go to a rave with you.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just assemble six? Because one of them was turned into underwear, so I don’t know how useful it will be.

NICK (as Sentinel): It still counts.

LILIT (as Xianna): It still counts? Oh okay, we will go steal the underwear.

NICK (as Sentinel): Fetch me the underwear. Wonderful. There’s two things that I would need. One, if you could drop me off somewhere where I could reunite with my droid assistant, I can attempt to gather more information for you from afar, and two—

LILIT (as Xianna): You will need a mesh top. You don’t have to have the mesh top, I just feel like it’s a very popular outfit and maybe like some glow sticks, some black light reactive makeup, that’s fun too, and glitterstim, which I have, but you can borrow some of mine.

NICK: Sentinel smiles, and it looks like he’s trying to be annoyed but is actually just very happy with having been released from prison and being reunited with you all.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tell you what, at this rave I’ll let you pick the outfit, the makeup, the accessories, all of it, whatever you think would be the best experience, but please, for the safety of the galaxy, please reunite me with my droid assistant and be aware that if you jump to the Typhonic Nebula you’re not going to be able to jump straight to these coordinates. You’re going to have to approach on sub-light drives, because this nebula interferes with gravitational pull, and you should know that a lot of the ships that go into this cloud never return.

CAMERON (as Karma): Great.

NICK: We get a quick sideswipe, and we see Endo the Tognath standing around a holo projector in another darkened room surrounded with scary looking aliens and mercenaries and pilots. There’s a little hologram of Tink, and you hear the audio of Sentinel saying “but beware, some of the ships that go into that cloud never return,” and Endo has a blank look on his alien and masked face covered in exoskeleton, and then we jump back to the ship. Sentinel smiles wide and says:

NICK (as Sentinel): So, would you be able to drop me off somewhere where I can meet back up with my droid?

HUDSON (as Tink): Which droid? Is it Capster?

CAMERON (as Karma): Cappy.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I call him the Capster.

LILIT (as Xianna): Chappy.

HUDSON (as Tink): The Capster is what I call him. He doesn’t like it, but I call him that.

NICK (as Sentinel): He must have changed his designation, I don’t remember that, but yes, that sounds like him. If you could drop me at the Canto Bight Casino, I have contacts there and could be reunited with my droid.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second. Wait, wait, we almost let him get away without telling us what we get if we do all these things for him for free.

LILIT (as Xianna): We get to take him to a rave!

HUDSON (as Tink): Other than that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I also assumed we could just steal whatever we wanted while also stealing these things.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s true. Tink, unfortunately I don’t have any more credits. I gave what I had left to you all in exchange for the last mission. I was hoping that you would help me with this out of compassion for the galaxy and to try to make everyone’s lives better.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… Do you have any, like, secret recipes or secret family history that you can tell me that I’d get excited about and want to know about but I have to wait until the end of the mission to hear?

NICK (as Sentinel): As long as there are no follow-up questions… yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Good enough for me.


NICK: We swipe to… We see Sentinel rolling across a landing pad that’s covered in gold and shiny fake gems, and we see Cappy the silver protocol droid walking to him, and they give each other a brief hug and then begin exchanging information rapidly, and the Afternoon Delight pulls back out into space. We see karma sitting in the captain’s chair typing in the coordinates that Sentinel was able to leave for this mystical artifact, and the ship snaps into hyperspace, and we get a brief montage of everyone picking up their gear.

CAMERON: Karma just walks out of her bedroom and is wearing her new armor and is re-strapping all of her normal weapons back to herself.

NICK: Yeah, so Karma, you picked up some really cool armor that you had custom-made during your time away from the group. Describe the new armor. What does it look like?

[dramatic and powerful fantasy music begins]

CAMERON: So it is made of abyss sea dragon scales. It is a black with the green and purple kind of raven’s feather type sheen to it. It looks as if you’re playing a game like Skyrim and you’ve got the dragon armor, so it has the scale-type look of the chest plate, a couple of pointy shoulders and knees for added coolness effect, and still wearing really cool boots but now just the boots match the sheen of the rest of the armor. I’m gonna go ahead and up my Soak value.

NICK: Yeah, you might as well.

CAMERON: Heheheh. Karma just looks like she can take a hit way better now.

[fantasy music ends]

NICK: [laughs] Tink, where do you go to pick up your gear that you stashed before going to prison?

HUDSON: I have to stop at a few places across the galaxy, but the primary places that I go to… So I go to the planet of Florrum which is this sulfurous desert planet featured in Star Wars: The Clone Wars, the 2009 TV series according to the internet.


HUDSON: I go over there and there’s not much on that planet, it’s kind of desolate right now, but there is one place. I go to the last storage unit that this planet has ever had called The Last Storage Unit on the Planet, and it has a sign that just says “no questions asked,” and I picked it because of that so like they don’t know what my stuff is even though I have really not much to hide. So, I go around and I type in the key code on one of the storage units, and it opens, and there’s all my stuff including my vibro-axe.

NICK: Yeah. We see a small pile of electronics, a grenade, some random snacks, a pile of sticky wooden sticks that look like they may have been some popsicles that you dumped in there but they’ve melted long before. You are able to gear back up, grab your bandoliers, your backpack, your axe, and you are fully geared up.

[bloopy video game music begins]

HUDSON: The other place I go to before I leave is, I guess this would be on the same planet, there’s like a series of shopping centers, and what I do in order to not have a bank account, because I don’t really trust the imperial banking system, I go and I put things on layaway or I preorder videos games or movies or things like that, and I pay for those items in increments, and just as I’m at the point where I could actually buy it I get a refund of all my money. I do this with like 30 items.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: So I just have to keep keeping it up with like a spreadsheet on my holo pad, but I go through and I collect all the money from all the stuff I’ve had on layaway since I’ve been in prison and all the things I’ve preordered.

NICK (as clerk): But sir, there was a price drop, so actually you’ve paid for this holovision.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… but uh, I was walking down the street and I found this, I found it, and I don’t need it anymore, so I need the money.

NICK (as clerk): I guess you could return it, but if you don’t have the receipt for what you found then it’ll have to be for store credit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, okay fine.

NICK: So you get all of your credits and a Space BestBuy gift card. [laughs]


[bloopy music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, where have you stashed your gear?

LILIT: So, Xianna heads over to one of Nolaa’s many apartments and knocks on the door.

NICK: There is a very long pause. You’re starting to think maybe you were wrong about Nolaa’s schedule and where she would be at this time. Then, after a while, the door cracks open on the little security chain and you see a sliver of her face and an eye peering out.

[somber emotional music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): What do you want?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so… hello. I kind of left a lot of my stuff here. Uh, I didn’t tell you I was leaving some of my stuff here, but I did, in case you haven’t found it yet. Also, you do have my pet loth-rat. And also…

LILIT: Xianna puts a hand into one of the pockets and pulls out the shank toothbrush.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a toothbrush that I can put on the counter.

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then the door slams shut, and then you hear some rattling and the door opens all the way, and Nolaa turns around and walks back into a well-appointed and comfortable looking apartment.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you better come in. I think we have a little bit more to talk about.

NICK: She sits down on a couch, and you can see Creamsicle comes out from behind the couch and climbs up on Nolaa’s shoulder but is staring at you and perched on her back legs.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] My baby has forgotten me. I was gone for too long. Creamsicle?

NICK: Creamsicle immediately jumps off of Nolaa’s shoulder and runs over to you…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

NICK: …and like climbs up your leg and up onto your collarbone and nestles under your chin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Never mind. I guess she did not forget me.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s been… like two weeks? I don’t think that your loth-rat, who is very smart by the way and gets into a lot of trouble—

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. She may be Force-sensitive.

NICK (as Nolaa): I… don’t think she is. I think she just has really sharp teeth and is a formerly wild animal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe that, but who knows. We will have to see.

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Come in, sit down, shut the door. Let’s talk.

LILIT: Xianna closes the door and goes and sits on one of the couches.

NICK: Nolaa leans back and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): Despite myself, I am actually really happy to see you, Xianna. How did it go? You okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I am great actually. It was very good. Uh… You know, I always enjoy a prison stay where I can cause a riot, so that was fun.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, you started a riot?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, at least one.

NICK (as Nolaa): Interesting.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we got out. It was very lovely. And then, as you can see, I got this toothbrush so that I can keep it here, because I understand that I have commitment issues and maybe I should not have laughed at you when you asked if I wanted to maybe keep a few things at some of your places.

[somber music ends]

NICK (as Nolaa): Sounds like you’ve been doing a lot of thinking while you were in prison, huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. When I was not making Mandalore cocktails I was introspecting.

NICK: She quirks a smile and tosses one of her lekku over her shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Xianna, I really am happy to see you. Um… The thing is, it’s not that the toothbrush is what we were talking about, it’s wanting to have a toothbrush here. Does that make sense to you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I understand. That is why I only brought one toothbrush, because you have like four apartments, so really I would need multiple toothbrushes. This was a symbolic gesture.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. I was just checking to make sure that’s where we were going with this. Sometimes you’re a little literal and sometimes I’m a little literal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I know that the fight was not actually about a toothbrush but about the fact that I did not want to commit and maybe make myself emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, and I think it just goes back to some deep-seated parental issues.

NICK (as Nolaa): Holy kriff, girl, you really did introspect.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think we can make this work. The argument was about wanting to be closer together, right? So the fact that you’ve tried, like genuinely tried, even if you were causing riots at the time…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, the riots were unrelated to the introspection. They just happened to happen about at the same time.

NICK (as Nolaa): So you were multitasking, and that’s okay. I… I’m really glad you’re back.

NICK: She stands up and walks over to you and gives you a big kiss.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I am glad I am back too, because you have a very good butt and I would be very sad if I could no longer touch it.

NICK: She playfully pushes on your shoulder and picks up Creamsicle and says, straight into Creamsicle’s face, all cutesy…

NICK (as Nolaa): It looks like we’re gonna be seeing more of each other, little girl.

NICK: …and wiggles her around and ruffles up her fur, and we cut away to Xianna leaving the apartment some time later.

LILIT: Xianna is holding up Creamsicle in a hand and looking at her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Creamsicle, you do not have to call her mom yet, just be respectful and listen to her. You know, she is not your parent, but she is your mommy’s very good friend, so you just need to be respectful.

NICK: Creamsicle nips at one of your ear cones and then scuttles down into one of your coat pockets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: And you have recollected all of your gear, you have your coat, you have all the things in your coat…

LILIT: I have a small microscope, and various drugs including experimental ones, and a bunch of credits now, and three grenades, and a very fancy new gun, and lock picking tools, and stim packs, and fuzzy handcuffs, and regular handcuffs, and a lot more.


NICK: And we see you patting down your pockets, pulling things out, checking them, Creamsicle runs from one pocket to another, and dressed in your coat and fully armed you look and feel a bit more like yourself especially having gotten to spend some time with Nolaa. We swipe away to everyone clustered around Karma’s seat in the Afternoon Delight as the last of the coordinates are being punched in for the Typhonic Nebula, and we see all of you looking out the front windscreen as karma grabs the hyperspace handle and is ready to jump onto the next adventure.

LILIT: And in the background Xianna has the mask and is putting it on Creamsicle.


LILIT (as Xianna): Hold on, Creamsicle. I want to see if this works.

NICK: End of episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 13 Hitching A Ride

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 13:
Hitching A Ride

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Okay everyone, today’s episode features a Patreon-created NPC! Kelbin Blitz was created by Tucker Maltby. Thank you so much, Tucker, for your continued support of the show, and we had a blast with Kelbin.

Friendly reminder that if you’re a patron and would like a holiday card from Tabletop Squadron featuring some wonderful art please make sure your address is updated and visible to the squad on Patreon so we can send one your way.

Thank you to everyone again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 13 of Season 2. Really getting into the mix of things. Really just… learning about each other. I think that this has been very good for our relationships with both the audience and the group in general. It’s just been a dang-good time, and we’re happy you’re here with us. I’m trying to vamp and watching Cameron loose her mind as she tries not to—

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I was doing so good until you called me out.

NICK: I started with my “let’s just bring it down a notch” voice, and Cameron started to crack, so I decided to see how far it could go. Anyway. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we were together go ahead and let us know what you spent that on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought two ranks on one of my talent trees, Kill With Kindness and Congenial.

NICK: Fantastic. Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I also bought a talent off of my marauder talent tree. I finally had enough for Enduring, so my Soak value went up by 1.

NICK: Wow. What’s your Soak value now?

CAMERON: Base Soak without any armor is 4, with armor is 6.


CAMERON: I’m tanking it up.

NICK: That means you can take a shot from a light blaster and not take damage unless it’s a really careful shot.

CAMERON: Yeah, no biggie.

NICK: Okay! Cool. Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I am hoarding my points forever more. Okay, not forever, but until at least next time.

NICK: A bit longer.


NICK: We won’t say on mic how many points you have saved, but it’s a bunch, for those keeping track at home.

HUDSON: It rhymes with rixty.


NICK: Awesome. Well, before we get with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side, and then my die was hit and it turned to two light side again after Lilit rolled against mine. [laughs]

LILIT: And I rolled one dark side.

NICK: So that’s four light side, one dark side?

LILIT: Correct.

CAMERON: Unless we get four light side for Hudson rolling two twice.

NICK: No, I don’t think so.


NICK: I don’t think that’s how that works. I’ll have to go back and check the rules later.

So, when we last left off you were in the midst of your escape plan. You had made your way through most of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. You had supplied a riot with Mandalore cocktails. You had made it into the air vents. You had a very heartfelt conversation about the importance of toothbrushes in relationships. And you had made it to what you’ve discovered is some sort of loading dock in a cave beneath the facility, and you saw a ship. So, we’ll go ahead and get into it.

We see the crew of escaping prisoners crouched around the grating to an air vent. Karma, Tink, Xianna and HK are joined by Tadzi, Blue, Ziller and Sentinel as they peer into this secured loading dock below them. The dock itself is scattered with large metal boxes. You can see several prison guards amongst the supplies. A single small freighter is being unloaded of what looks like food for the mess hall. The freighter is squat and doesn’t look very fast, but it’s a way off of Kajim, you’ll just have to get to it, across a large mostly-empty landing bay with a number of armed guards and a riot alert going on up above you.

CAMERON: Where is our vent opening in relation to all of the boxes laying around? Like, can we get down from the vent without anyone seeing us or do we need to be sneaky immediately to not be seen?

NICK: So, the thing that I’m picturing, and this happens pretty much any time I picture “hey, you’re trying to sneak across a space port,” is that scene from A New Hope where they get back to the Millennium Falcon on the death star and there’s a pile of boxes next to the vent and then some boxes around and then a big empty space and then the ship. So, if you did a very bad job getting out of the vent someone might notice, but you can get down and there’s some cover, although not really cover for all of you because it’s just one box, so you’re gonna need to  make a plan in the vent and then enact it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright team, looks like that…

CAMERON: And points at the freighter.

CAMERON (as Karma): …is gonna be our ride out of here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s probably the best way to go, but there’s guards in the way. What are we gonna do about that?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So what we are going to do is we will open the vent and then a few people go down behind the box, and then they sneak to the next box, and then the next group of people go down behind the box, and then we just kind of chain like that, so that way there is enough people to fit behind the box at any given time, and less people should go with more sneaky people so that the more sneaky people can help with the sneaks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. My contribution to this plan is going to be how we get from the vent to the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): You jump.

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

NICK & CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s too obvious. That’s going to detect—People are gonna detect what’s going on.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very easy. You just fall down. We just wait for when the guards are not looking towards the box and then you just drop, because we are above the box. It’s just down.

NICK: The camera zooms out and we can see that there is a slight lip between the floor and this, but from the angle and the size of the box it looks like it’s further, and Tink is just standing far enough back from the edge that he’s making some assumptions about the way the room is laid out. But yeah, there is not very far to get to the ground. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so, I know that all of you heard of the childhood toy Barrel of Monkeys, right? They came in a barrel. They were red. … You could just, you know, connect them together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

NICK (as Ziller): I think that was a Gigoran toy, brother, but I’m familiar with it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Great. Alright. So, we basically put our hands to our side like we’re a very disapproving mother…

CAMERON: Karma does it.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. See? Exactly Karma, great. Then we just lock arms like we’re a barrel of monkeys, and then we slowly lower each other down one by one, all connected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink. The vent is only, like…

CAMERON (as Karma): Take a look over the…

CAMERON: Like, pointing at the vent.

HUDSON: I smoosh past everybody and push people against the sides of the vent because I’m too big.

NICK: And you look out, and you see that you’re basically on ground level already.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait, we don’t… I’ll save the barrel of monkeys for another time. It’s a solid plan if we ever get into a situation where the vent is higher up that we’re going through.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t know if everyone in the group has the upper body strength to do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): But it’s definitely a fun idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Use your legs if you can’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa. Wait. We’re hooking legs together?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. If you can’t use your arms, hook your legs if you’re flexible, and that’s where your core strength is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay…?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think your core strength comes from your core. That is why it’s called that.

HUDSON (as Tink): But some core strength deals with your upper body and some core strength deals with your lower body, and the core itself is the one that coordinates all… It’s in my book.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the core is kind of your middle body, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I don’t think that’s how that works.

NICK (as Sentinel): See, I assumed that when Tink said core strength he meant the strength on which they based their efficacy, so he means core strength like what they’re strongest at, and you could be strongest at lower body.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly right. You know what, can you just come with me and be my translator for my ideas? It seems like I run into this a lot where I say something and it’s not understood.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s because most of your ideas and the things you say are nonsense. Now let’s get on with this. Who’s splitting up with who?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m very, very sneaky. I don’t know if you all realize that. I’m not just saying this. Everyone in my team can vouch for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just size-wise, I think it would be wise if we split up Ziller, Tink and Blue into separate groups, because y’all are going to have to duck down farther to hide behind the boxes, so if y’all are all in the same group it’s gonna be more difficult to hide.

HUDSON (as Tink): That makes sense. Let’s do it that way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so y’all are team captains I guess. Choose your teams. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh man, this is bringing me back to memories, high school.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. I don’t think you should have made them team captains.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna and I have override and veto power as the gym coaches.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, because maybe the sneaky people should have been the one picking.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a sneaky person.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are sneaky, but at the same time you are not. It is a very weird thing.

NICK (as Blue): I think this will work out. I’m used to being a team captain because of my inherent strength and size.

NICK: That was Blue, who is in the back of the group and hasn’t been able to see out of the vent yet because she fills literally the entire vent.

NICK (as Ziller): So, who gets first pick, brother?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… I do.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Everyone, give me a pitch, under two minutes each, about who wants to be on my team.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, wait, wait.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): No, no, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe the most sneaky person should go first.

NICK (as Blue): Well, I know I’m not the most sneaky, and Ziller seems okay, but I think if we’re going with the sneakiest of team captains that would actually be Tink in this case.

HUDSON (as Tink): On a scale of 1 to 5, I’d say I’m a 3 in stealth.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just thinking that the stealthiest people should go first so that way they are further along in the path in case the less sneaky people, you know, blow it.

NICK (as Sentinel): So Xianna, are you recommending being a team captain yourself with stealth being a priority?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just saying that maybe the stealthy people should have been the team captains. Maybe if the less sneaky people are team captains they should just pick the sneaky people to go with them? I’m just generally unsure of why the team captains are who they are.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

CAMERON (as Karma): Just because they need to be in separate groups.

HUDSON (as Tink): I pick Sentinel!

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, I think this makes sense having worked with Tink before. This should be absolutely fine.

NICK: He wheels his chair slightly over to be closer to Tink.

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, I’ll go next. I pick Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. That sounds fun.

NICK (as Blue): Well obviously I’m going to take my best friend. Karma, you’re on my side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): [disappointed] Man, I wanted Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you had the choice!

HUDSON (as Tink): I know, but I wanted Sentinel and—

LILIT (as Xianna): You could have done that!

HUDSON (as Tink): I want it all!

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t have it all, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay…

LILIT (as Xianna): That is part of growing up is understanding that you cannot have it all and you must compromise sometimes.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can all rejoin the same team once we make it to the freighter. Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: But you find sometimes… that you get what you need.


HUDSON: No. [laughs]


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, also, HK should go last, that way he can be suppressing fire.

NICK (as HK): I will go last.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool, so whichever team picks HK just be aware you’re going last.

NICK (as Ziller): So Tink, you’re up next. Who you picking, brother?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… I’ll take Tadzi.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yes!

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, that means I get HK I suppose. Well, we have HK so we have to go last. That’s actually gonna be a problem. Um… I would rather go first. HK, you go with Blue and Karma. I think that makes more sense, and it’ll just be Xianna and me, and that way we go first, because we’re both stealthy and we can, um, make it to this freighter and not have any more problems, brother.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems kind of suspicious the way you worded it with your vocal tones and everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just be aware that there’s now a lot of guns behind you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. HK has done the murder and will do the murder, and they will have no problem killing you.

NICK (as HK): I will absolutely do the murder.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so after long, long discussions that never really happened but really should have, I’m gonna make an announcement.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Everybody who wasn’t on the Afternoon Delight before this now has a chance, by running between here and the ship, to make it with the crew.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s not true. Do not believe him. We are not holding applications at this time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I joke. I joke.

NICK (as Ziller): Aww, I really was getting my hopes up, brother.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just thought it would—I mean like, it was one of those Schrödinger’s jokes where I was gonna see how the crew reacted… and just go with it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wasn’t a joke until it was a joke?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it was one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, no.

NICK (as Sentinel): I will say that I assembled your team of four because they specifically had the skills needed, and you are a small and specialized strike force. You probably don’t need to add more people to the crew, but I do trust all of your judge—well, most of your judgments.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I assumed we were just the only ones who showed up.

NICK (as Sentinel): No! It was a very intent—Look, you’re going first. Go, go get to the freighter.

LILIT (as Xianna): [amused] Wait. We were really your first choices?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Awww.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well—

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t believe that, Sentinel.

HUDSON (as Tink): We were Sentinel’s first?

LILIT (as Xianna): You are like a Jedi. You did not have better options to choose from? Look at us. [giggles]

NICK (as Sentinel): Hey, keep the former occupation on the down-low.

LILIT (as Xianna): They already know. Tink said it like five minutes ago.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, we’re gonna do this now, I guess. You weren’t the first choice, you’re the second Alpha Team, but the first Alpha Team all died, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): Who?

LILIT (as Xianna): What happened to the first Alpha Team?

NICK (as Sentinel): They died.

LILIT (as Xianna): But like, how? I want to know.

NICK (as Sentinel): Right now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Sentinel): I sent them on a mission and they failed the mission and the Empire killed them… I think. I’m pretty sure. I no longer have contact with them.

LILIT (as Xianna): What was the mission?! I feel like you could figure out how they died.

NICK (as Sentinel): It was the same mission I was going to send you on. They were scouting the shipyards. I’d really rather not talk about our spec ops operations in the air vent of a prison that’s highly monitored.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair.

NICK (as Sentinel): I sent them to the shipyards and they never came back.

HUDSON (as Tink): So they could be alive! Does that mean we have to go find them?

NICK (as Sentinel): Well their ship was destroyed, so they probably died in space.

LILIT (as Xianna): Was the ship docked or not docked? Because that makes a difference on whether or not they could be alive.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t know. I just got notification the ship was destroyed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so then technically they could be out there somewhere! They could have been on a station and they could be in jail, or prison, because those are technically different. You didn’t even look for them. Sentinel!

HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re saying there’s a chance.

LILIT (as Xianna): There’s a chance!

NICK (as Sentinel): I guess you’re right. It took a long time. I gave them time to come back and they didn’t, and we had a timeline to help the Rebellion.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because they could be in some Imperial holding cell! We just got out of prison!

NICK (as Sentinel): If you wanna spend the time to go find the former Alpha Squad and see what happened to them you’re more than welcome to, I just think that probably once we get out of here we’re gonna have some more things to talk about.

LILIT (as Xianna): But like Sentinel, we just got out of a prison. Did you not consider that maybe they were also in a prison somewhere?

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you saying we need to go back?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m not implying that they were in the same prison as us, I am just saying that they could have been in a prison somewhere, or like some sort of Imperial black site.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m honestly quite surprised at your optimism that you didn’t assume that they were dead. It hadn’t really occurred to me considering their ship exploded and then I heard nothing through my contacts about them. It just seemed pretty cut and dry.

CAMERON (as Karma): And you weren’t paying them until after the job, right?

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so okay, that is suspicious, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is suspicious, but at the same time I have maybe broken up with more than one person by having it reported to them that my ship blew up, and I mean I was not on the ships when that happened, and I just like never talked to them again with the implication that I had maybe died.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a dark, dark way to ghost someone. Literally ghost someone.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying it works, and you know, if that person maybe has connections to the Empire, because you were pretending to date them to get codes or key passes or things like that, you know, sometimes you don’t want to take chances. Or if you just feel emotionally vulnerable to actually have a real conversation with them, it’s a valid strategy.

NICK (as Sentinel): So you’re implying that a team of highly specialized freelance mercenaries were so awkward about working with me that they faked their own death and forfeited a large payday rather than ever have an adult conversation with me?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying it is a possibility!

NICK: Sentinel looks deflated.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also the possibility that they are in prison. They could have just been arrested and captured and everything.

NICK: As you all have this conversation you see out on the landing pad that there’s been a changing of the guards and there are now twice as many prison guards standing around in this area as there were before.


LILIT: That’s fine.

CAMERON: Are you flipping a dark side point?

NICK: No, this was just time being spent.

CAMERON: Aw damn.

LILIT (as Xianna): We should maybe go before there are any more guards. Before we go, Sentinel, you should really look into it a little bit further than just “well they didn’t reply to me so they are dead.”

NICK (as Sentinel): Their ship was provably destroyed.

LILIT (as Xianna): And again, as I have mentioned, just because somebody’s ship blows up does not mean they are dead, because they might not have been on the ship.

NICK (as Sentinel): That is a good point, and we will look into it. Once we get out of here I’ll tell you some more of what I’ve been working on and why I’ve been a little distracted to track down my first group of mercenaries.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, you were in prison, so…

NICK (as Sentinel): That too. But even before this, the implication that you have is that I should have done this before I ever attempted to hire you, but we were on kind of a timeline with the superweapon being built, and now there’s something else going on that we need to work on.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Is it a second superweapon?!

CAMERON (as Karma): That would just be ridiculous.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yeah. In what galaxy would the Empire, having wasted tons of resources on something that proved to be vulnerable, just build another bigger one? That doesn’t make any sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): If anything they should build something that is smaller and more portable, definitely not just do the exact same thing again. That seems silly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe they’re compensating for something.

NICK (as Sentinel): But see, then the logical problem there is if you make a superweapon with that much destructive capability that can be piloted by a single person then someone may steal it and go around the galaxy destroying solar systems.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, you wouldn’t want it that portable with just one person, because you don’t want that situation either. That would also be so silly and ridiculous and you would never do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey y’all, are we gonna escape prison?

NICK: As another guard walks into the loaded area.


CAMERON (as Karma): Because, uh…

CAMERON: Karma points.

CAMERON (as Karma): …there’s more people.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, first team, go.

CAMERON (as Karma): That would be you.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, I think that’s us.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, yes!

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay, it is us then.

LILIT: Xianna goes and opens the vent and drops down all of, what, two feet behind the box.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs]

LILIT: And I’m assuming this will now be a Stealth check.

NICK: It will indeed be a Stealth check. Each group is going to do one Stealth check to see how they get across. Any threats that you get will make it more difficult for the next group to go, but any advantages you get will make it easier as you scout a good path. This is now a hard Stealth check, and you have two black dice because you’re going first and you have to remove the vent silently as well.

HUDSON: I feel risky. I feel like I want to bet points that we’ll all get across fine without having to fight anybody.

LILIT: [sighs heavily]

NICK: Bet what, experience points?



NICK: We have been playing it kind of fast and loose with experience considering I let you give Lilit experience as a birthday present a while ago.


HUDSON: I’m thinking of the bet now and it’s a little too risky considering all the black dice.

NICK: Is it?

CAMERON: Even when you’ve had amazing dice pools, Hudson, Stealth hasn’t gone great for Tink.

NICK: Hey Hudson, you wanna bet 15 experience points that everyone makes it to the ship without anyone being detected?



LILIT: I have a triumph with a success, an additional success, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. So yeah, with a roll that amazing you’re gonna give a blue die to whoever goes next, you’re completely successful… How do you want this to go?

LILIT: As Xianna and Ziller snake their way behind these boxes, behind each box they find small pieces of metallic trash, maybe sodas, because sodas are canon in Star Wars now.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Ah-ha-ha, “can-on.”

LILIT: And they are able to collect these small little pieces of trash, and what they can do is when other people are going to be crossing larger expanses of this docking bay they are going to throw the small little pieces of trash to create noise elsewhere so that the guards have to turn their heads and look to see where the small little clanging noises came from giving the people more time to cross.

NICK: Cool! Yeah, you find these energy cans and some other trash, and you are about halfway across, and you can tell from where the guards are looking and how you’re doing that you’re going to make it across. No one’s going to find you or Ziller. You’re in complete control of the situation. So you are able to devote some of your mental focus to tracking how the rest of the group does and help them if they need it. So, up next is Tink, Sentinel and Tadzi.

HUDSON: Hmm. Okay. I’m gonna roll for Stealth and then I’ll figure out what I’m doing.

NICK: Yours is a hard check with only one black die. What’s your Stealth?

HUDSON: My Stealth is 3, but my Agility is 2.

NICK: Okay, that’s Tadzi’s stat too, so you get another blue die for being with Tadzi.

CAMERON: Get anything for being with Sentinel?

NICK: Um, if you want me to do minuses?

CAMERON: Oh, never mind. Forget I asked.


HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success and two threats.

NICK: Okay. You’re going to make it with no problems. Xianna sees that, again, you’re surprisingly light on your feet for your size, and you’re able to guide Sentinel and Tadzi. Tadzi is also very stealthy, so between the two of you you’re escorting Sentinel in a very capable way. However, you do have a couple of close calls and the guards are on higher alert, because they’ve started to hear weird noises. You can hear one of them saying…

NICK (as guard): Ah dang, it looks like the loth-rats got out again. They must be getting in the supplies. We better look around.

NICK: …as they begin to change their patrol path. But you do have a triumph. Would you like to spend that on something? Do you have any ideas for ways to change the game a little bit?

LILIT: I was thinking having Sentinel like turn lights off further away.

HUDSON: Yeah, okay. So the lights flicker annoyingly, further away from us, so that people get distracted and go check it out.

NICK: Yeah, you can see that there’s a light switch starting to flicker on and off and Sentinel, as he wheels along, is waving his hand in that direction using the Force to mess with the electric grid on that side, and so a chunk of the guards is distracted, so if something goes wrong a lot of them left to go walk in that direction so the first rounds of combat there’s no risk there from them. There’s just a small few that are still in the area.

HUDSON: Yeah, even though I believe we’re gonna make it all to the ship, this is like insurance for me to make sure we don’t have to fight as much.

NICK: Mm-hmm. That makes sense. HK looks to Karma.

NICK (as HK): [hopeful] Suppressing fire?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not quite yet. Let’s attempt to be sneaky.

NICK (as HK): Why?

CAMERON (as Karma): I wanna be closer to the ship before people start shooting back at us.

NICK (as HK): But I could probably shoot most of them. Are you sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, because once we get on the ship we don’t know how many crew members are on that ship, HK. We may have to take out the crew of the freighter to be able to leave, or at least we’re gonna have to convince somebody to take us and let us just run away from this prison. So if everybody’s on high alert and then we’re also trying to have that conversation or fighting people inside the ship, that’s a lot of things happening. It gives more time for people to come down and stop us.

NICK (as HK): I also have a clear shot on Ziller. I could just remove that whole suspicious situation right now if you want.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so, I don’t hate that idea, but also, it would be a blaster shot and that is loud, especially because your gun is very large and is not quiet.

NICK: He still has that stun rifle. His gun isn’t here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well your gun is still not quiet.

NICK: Yeah.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Well, lead on I suppose.

CAMERON (as Karma): If Ziller tries anything though, besides hiding and just being useless which I kind of expect, go after him, HK.

NICK: Blue leans over from behind you all.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, with this big repeating blaster you gave me I’ll take care of Ziller if there’s any problems.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fantastic. You do need to get back at him for hitting us earlier.

NICK (as Blue): Absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so, let us sneak.

NICK: Alright, so it’s a Stealth check. HK actually has a 4 in Agility, so does that boost yours?

CAMERON: Karma also has a 4 in Agility.

NICK: Ah. Oh, he has 1 in Stealth.

CAMERON: Okay, I have 2 in Stealth.

HUDSON: Half a blue die.


NICK: Blue will be minuses, so we’ll just ignore that for now. It is a hard check with three black dice.

CAMERON: Heh. Do I get the blue die from Xianna earlier?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON: Cool. [laughs] This roll is ridiculous. I got four blue dice, three black dice, three purple dice, two green dice and two yellow dice.

NICK: You could flip a light side point.

CAMERON: [laughing] Psh. I can’t fit these in my hand.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Okay, and I will upgrade, so now it’s three yellows.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: With all of those dice, one success and one threat.

NICK: Wow. So, you all make it to the freighter without being detected. You move in these groups. You take cover. You’re able to avoid the guards. Sentinel uses the Force as a distraction.

CAMERON: Tink gets 15 experience points.

NICK: Tink gets 15 and more experience points.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh my gosh. I really didn’t expect that to work. Xianna is standing in the doorway to this freighter lobbing cans and things as distractions as well, helping everyone to get across. You all pile into the back of this freighter. It’s not very big. It’s about school bus sized on the inside, which for a spaceship is not that big, and there’s a lot of empty space because it’s mostly been unloaded, and the freight area leads straight to the captain and co-pilot’s chair, and you can see the bulbous black helmet of what looks like a Bith—they have very distinctive head shapes—sitting in the captain’s chair, and you can hear light jizz music filtering throughout the ship as the captain, waiting on unloading, is bobbing his head to the music.

[smooth jizz begins]

CAMERON: Are there droids unloading the ship?

NICK: There were guards unloading the ship. They were pretty much done. Part of your sneaking was getting around that. They are done. They’re just signing paperwork and stuff outside, and the captain is waiting for clearance to go.


NICK: So are you gonna just hide on the ship? Are you gonna try to talk to the captain?

LILIT: Xianna turns around to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so I got us to sneak over here ,however I do not want to go start a fight, but if somebody else wants to go start a fight and take care of the captain and then we have control of the ship then they should do that, and I will stay back here.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if I want to start that while the entry ramp is still open, because then we have the potential for guards to also enter into that situation if it turns into a more gun-focused confrontation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): So what if we just break off the entry ramp?

CAMERON (as Karma): We could just close it. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We could just wait for the ship to start leaving, and then once it is closed up and everything then we attack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Make new friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): And by we I mean somebody else, because I don’t want to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank seems pretty, uh, risky-frisky today.

NICK (as HK): One might even say gun-ho.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ha.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t want to send HK to have that conversation, though.

NICK: As you’re whispering at the back of the ship the entry ramp closes and the ship begins to lift off. You can hear the pilot saying:

NICK (as pilot): Yeah, we’re about good to leave here if there’s anything else you need. Captain Blitz coming through the radio, bringing you the sultry tones of my jizz music.

NICK: You can hear the control tower for the prison saying:

NICK (as control): Captain Blitz, please refrain from playing music over the intercom. We gotta keep this station clear.

NICK (as Kelbin): Alright, sorry, I just thought you might like to hear some of the music that we’ve got going on. It’s the next big thing.

NICK: He starts to lift off and slowly fly out of the cave, and you can see open air ahead of you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, somebody should go, not necessarily kill, we don’t have to kill him, but like remove him from his duty.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, stun mode, now.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No! No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Stun mode. Stun mode.

CAMERON: Karma is gonna walk forward towards the cockpit.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m the Boss Man, now do what I say.

NICK: HK pulls out his stun blaster and starts to stalk forward behind Karma as Karma walks up front.

NICK (as HK): Copy that, Boss Man.

NICK: At him talking in full volume the captain turns around in his chair and you see this Bith. He has that big lightbulb shaped head and he’s actually wearing a black helmet with a visor pulled down, and there’s a light lit under the chin so it does that, like, holding a flashlight under your face spooky face up under his eyes. He turns around, sees a combat droid, a bunch of prisoners, karma walking towards him, and that his ship which is supposed to be empty has a lot of passengers.

NICK (as Kelbin): [sharp inhale] Whoa~!

NICK: And he turns off the radio.

NICK (as Kelbin): Hey friends~ Uh…

CAMERON: Karma waves.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi~

NICK (as Kelbin): You’re not supposed to be here. I am just supposed to be delivering food.

CAMERON (as Karma): And  you did that. Congratulations.

NICK (as Kelbin): I’ll just bring you back—

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. Please…

NICK (as Kelbin): —there seems to be some sort of confusion here.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think so. I don’t think that’s the way. We’re going out. Opposite direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! What kind of food? Wait, no, you are dropping off the food so you don’t have any more.

NICK (as Kelbin): I will admit that I may have stolen a case of Spunyuns, because they’re my favorite.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Okay. I’m gonna go find those. Everybody else take care of this. I’m going to go get a snack.

NICK: You’re able to quickly locate a crate of Funyuns. It’s like if you go to the grocery store and buy the pack of fun size chip bags that you’re supposed to put in school lunches. [laughs] It’s like one of those tucked under a bench, and they’re all different flavors of Spunyuns.

NICK (as Kelbin): Look, you can have the Spunyuns, there’s no problem there, if we could just… go back to the prison and I could just put you back where you’re supposed to—

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, stun!

NICK (as Kelbin): [disappointed] Oh…

NICK: HK goes [gun charging noise] and aims…

CAMERON (as Karma): [annoyed] Stop.

NICK: …and then is frozen by the conflicting orders.

NICK (as HK): I cannot follow the objective of two primary users at the same time. Secondary user is the tiebreaking vote.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, why are you so trigger happy right now?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I just want to get out of here and he’s in the way.

LILIT: Xianna comes back with a bag of Cool Ranch Spunyuns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Well, if you could not tell by the fact that we are wearing the prison jumpsuits, we did escape from the prison, so obviously we are not going back. We do not want to kill you, however the droid will.

[smooth jizz ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no-no-no, we have it on stun.

NICK (as HK): Yes, but that’s what the knife is for.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t actually believe that HK has a stun mode. I’m pretty sure HK’s stun mode is just still regular lasers.

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately, the only blaster I have available at this time is purely a stun blaster, unless Blue gives me her gun…

NICK: His head turns around 180 degrees to hopefully look at Blue.

CAMERON (as Karma): Blue, please don’t.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, I’m not gonna give up this baby. This one’s gonna get me a long way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good. Alright.

LILIT: Xianna turns back to the pilot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So either we can stun you and just leave you somewhere, with or without your ship, probably without your ship, or you can just, um, let us stay on the ship and you drop us off somewhere and you never talk about this again.

NICK: The pilot lets go of the yolk. The blue of the sky above Kajim is fading to the black of stars as you break atmosphere, because the ship was on autopilot, and he carefully pulls off his helmet, and the light turns off on the neckpiece of his suit so that you can see his full face. He’s got big black eyes and a little tiny mouth that looks really good for like a kloo horn or something. You notice under the helmet that he has a big wine stain birthmark on his forehead that’s shaped kind of like a Y-Wing. [chuckles]

NICK (as Kelbin): Look, I’m not a big fan of the Empire. I’m gonna be honest, I kinda got this job by accident. I was supposed to be smuggling, and I thought that this was a smuggling job, and then it was just freight. The pay was good so I’m still doing it, but if I happen to steal some prisoners… I could probably get through this in one piece.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well see? Now you are a smuggler. You are smuggling us. See, it all works out.

NICK (as Kelbin): There you go, and with a small fee I can drop you wherever you want.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Force works in mysterious ways.

NICK (as Sentinel): Hey, that’s my line, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Everybody can say it, Sentinel! You’re not the only one who is allowed to talk about the Force! That seems like gatekeeping.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well that’s not my intention, it’s just I thought the Force is kind of my thing…

CAMERON (as Karma): More people than one can have the same thing.

NICK (as Sentinel): I didn’t even know you believed in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought the Force was inside everyone.

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, well if you’re going to be pedantic about it, then…

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you like the only Jedi in the whole galaxy?

NICK (as Sentinel): Actually, maybe? At this point.

HUDSON: [laughing] Yeah, at this point, yeah, there might be not that many.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: And he looks really sad.

LILIT (as Xianna): I heard that there was at least one Jedi on the death star before it blew up, so like you aren’t the only one.

NICK (as Sentinel): How did you hear that?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t hear about the news?

NICK (as Sentinel): I guess I’ve been in prison so I didn’t really get to see all of that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so like one of the Rebel chat groups, somebody was saying that some kid from Tatooine like turned off his targeting and everything and just like… still blew up the death star without any guidance, and like, that’s the Force.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, that’s absolutely the Force. You didn’t catch the name of that kid, did you? I could potentially train him and rebuild our order.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, it was…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, no-no, I got it, I got it, I got it. Okay. It was… Oh my god, I had it on the tip of my tongue. Lannister… Groundrunner?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Larn Cloudjogger…?

NICK (as Sentinel): Larn Cloudjogger…?

HUDSON (as Tink): It doesn’t matter.

LILIT (as Xianna): That might not have been right.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it doesn’t matter, because no one will remember this.

LILIT (as Xianna): I only check those chat groups like very late at night, so… don’t take that as a certain.

NICK (as Sentinel): I will have to look up this Force-sensitive boy, because I will be looking upon his career with great interest.

CAMERON: Ick. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, aren’t the Sith like technically Jedis?

NICK (as Sentinel): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are just like evil Jedi?

NICK (as Sentinel): No. They have their own really twisted way of looking at the Force and the way to use the world, and they’re all about selfishness whereas Jedi are all about self-sacrifice.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you should probably be somewhere in the middle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s gonna get you the best life experience, probably, and be the least shitty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, considering that like the Jedi stole children, right? Or is that just Empire propaganda? Also, what the fuck was up with the Clone Wars?

NICK (as Sentinel): We don’t need to talk about this right now. We can talk about that later.

LILIT (as Xianna): No! I want to know what the fuck was up with the Clone Wars!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): It was a difficult time.

LILIT (as Xianna): I lived through that shit, okay? It was weird!

NICK (as Sentinel): It was really bad, and everything started to look better like two years into it for some reason… and it got more complicated.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is so weird to have like a troop of people come and liberate your city and they all look exactly the same and they are like “yes, I am a three year old.” That is weird.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): Really, that part of the Empire we’re fighting now is the evolution of the part of the Republic that resulted in the Clone Wars.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so the Jedi had no part whatsoever in the creation of the clone army? That is good to know.


NICK: Sentinel looks intensely uncomfortable. Some loose objects around the ship start to rattle a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): So now that that is settled…

LILIT: Xianna looks back at the pilot.

LILIT (as Xianna): …you can just take us to another port, let us go, never speak of this again.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah, honestly I think that’s probably my best option here. So don’t you worry about it, CaptainKelbin Blitz will be taking you to your new destination.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait, Karma, where is our ship? Where do we need to go?

NICK: So, Captain Blitz gently puts his hands back on the steering yolk making sure that nobody takes any sudden moves, because HK is watching him extremely closely.

NICK (as Kelbin): So, where am I bringing you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Janga Shipyards.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, that’s actually fairly nearby.

NICK: He hits the steering yolk, and the ship rotates very quickly and snaps to hyperspace. He stretches real big and puts his hands behind his head.

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, we’ve got a little bit of time before we get there, friends.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you wanted to turn the music back on I’m totally cool with that.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, okay.

NICK: It’s been on, but he turns the volume up way more, and it’s just some good smooth jizz.

[smooth jizz returns]

NICK (as Kelbin): That was actually my last album that I got done. It’s, uh… pretty nice, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): [giggling] Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think it’s great.

CAMERON: Are there two seats up front? Because you said pilot and co-pilot.

NICK: Yes. Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Okay. Karma’s gonna take the co-pilot seat and just hang out while we’re flying and listen to the music.

NICK: Sure.

NICK (as Kelbin): Na, na-na, na-na, na-na~ Na-na-na na…

NICK: That’s Kelbin singing along to the music.

CAMERON: We’re gonna listen to the full album, so I’m gonna need you to sing the full album, Nick.

NICK (as Kelbin): Na, na-na, na-na, na-na~ Na-na-na na…

HUDSON: I think there’s like a really shitty recorder playing as part of it.

NICK: Oh yeah. So it’s jizz music, they’ve got the kloo horn, the jizz box, but also a recorder in the background.

NICK (as Kelbin): I was just going for a different kind of sound for this ambience. I thought that it really sounded good.

NICK: But it kinda sounds like that one meme of the kids playing Jurassic Park on the recorder.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT: At some point Xianna pops up with a bag of Spicy Nacho Spunyuns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Kelbin, do you have any clothing on the ship that we could borrow? And by borrow I mean take.

NICK: He looks down. He’s wearing a black just form fitting spacesuit that looks like it used to be shiny and some of the shine has worn off over the years.

NICK (asKelbin): I’m not really much of an outfit guy…

[smooth jizz ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you have blankets or towels or anything?

NICK (as Kelbin): I’ve got blankets, and I’ve got my street clothes. I’d sell them to you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have a crate you could put us in to then push us onto our ship.

NICK (as Kelbin): Ha! That’s really funny. I did that once back in my youth, actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

CAMERON: Karma’s looking suspicious.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just thinking that we will probably have to go off of this ship and maybe go onto our own ship, and if anyone sees us we are a large group of people all wearing prison uniforms!


HUDSON (as Tink): Didn’t you see right before we went to prison what was coming into style was prison uniforms for the general populous?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think that was true.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was. I mean, I saw it coming.

NICK (as Kelbin): Hey pal, I don’t know how long you’ve been on the inside, but I must have missed that trend. I don’t remember that at all.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think it’s been about a week.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so I guess that style just went in and out. We might need to do the crate plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure you didn’t just see the prison and were like oh look at those jumpsuits?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think I’ve been in there long enough to really be an institution person at this point, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I will just take the blankets and we will artfully craft disguises. Maybe make it look like we are wearing a poncho or cape. Those are still in fashion, right? It’s only been two weeks. I’m sure they’re in fashion still.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, they’re still in fashion.

NICK (as Kelbin): Capes and ponchos are always in fashion.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can just take your jumpsuit off.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true. Tink, you don’t need to be wearing clothes. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, give me your jumpsuit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Okay, yeah, here you go.

NICK (as Kelbin): Technically we don’t, any of us, need to be wearing clothes.

NICK: Kelbin makes a face.

NICK (as Kelbin): Okay, that was actually kind of weird. I’m sorry. I’ll just keep flying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Technically no, but also yes. BRB.

LILIT: Xianna takes Tink’s jumpsuit and goes behind a crate or something and comes back and she has torn the pants section off the jumpsuit she was wearing so it’s just pants and then has taken sections of Tink’s and created a halter top out of parts of it but turned it inside out so that the inner fabric is showing so it doesn’t look quite the same color and looks way less prison jumpsuit and then has extra fabric.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I could also make little skimpy tops for other people, that way it just looks like we are in a band or sorority or something.

NICK: Tadzi surveys your outfit.

NICK (as Tadzi): Dang girl, when did you learn fashion?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I think I dated a fashion designer at some point.

NICK (as Tadzi): That does happen from time to time. I think I’ve done the same thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever just hang out with a group of people and like two months in you realize you’re like in a relationship?

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, all the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Tadzi): Although, I will say, I’m not sure if they were a fashion designer. They were a Chiss, and they seemed very interested in fashion, but I never saw them actually design anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): That happens too sometimes. You’re just like, you keep your work and your personal life separate.

NICK (as Tadzi): And that’s okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Not everybody needs to find deep personal fulfillment in their job. It can just be a way to fund the actual things you love in life. Although I do like stealing things, so… that doesn’t count for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] So win-win there.

NICK: You all are comparing fashion notes and having a grand old time in the back. Kelbin looks pretty happy to have this group of people who are not shooting him and also just pleasant to hang out with. He is flying the ship and humming along to his own music.

CAMERON (as Karma): So Kelbin.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): Where’s the rest of your crew?

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, I’m just a solo flyer these days, doing my own thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): When did that happen?

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s been a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): How long exactly?

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s been a few years, but we got together almost ten years ago. What crew? How do you know about my crew?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, it was the music that tipped me off.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh, it’s very distinctive. I’m extremely famous and popular.

CAMERON (as Karma): And also, when I got back to my ship this was playing and had been downloaded onto my ship, so…

NICK (as Kelbin): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): But we’ve met.

NICK (as Kelbin): You’ll have to jog my memory, sweet thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve been trying. Let’s see, what other things? Uh, we killed a Hutt.

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh! Karma?!

CAMERON (as Karma): That was the big thing. Yes! Hi. Oh, that would have helped if I’d ever said my name once I got on the ship. This is a very valid point.

NICK (as Kelbin): Yeah. Wow. You’ve come a long way from being a bounty hunter to a prisoner.

CAMERON (as Karma): The job was a breakout, so…

NICK (as Kelbin): Oh… Well, that is still illegal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yes. [laughs]

NICK (as Kelbin): It’s very illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, some of us are real prisoners.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true, yes, but—

LILIT (as Xianna): Not me, but some of the other ones are. It’s a mix.

NICK (as Kelbin): Well, that’s good to know, I suppose. Ooh, nice halter top by the way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Then she pops away.


NICK: The ship snaps out of hyperspace and you can see it looks kind of like an old computer motherboard but spray painted gray floating in space above a gas giant planet, and it’s the Janga Shipyards, and Kelbin keys the auto-com and says:

NICK (as Kelbin): Janga Shipyards, this is Captain Kelbin Blitz coming in for a routine shopping trip if you could just give us clearance to land.

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 12 Making the Mess in Mess Hall

PDF download: S2 Episode 12 Making the Mess in Mess Hall

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 12:
Making the Mess in Mess Hall

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

One quick announcement, everyone, before we get started. We are working on mailing out Life Day cards to our patrons this upcoming holiday season, but we don’t know where to send them. If you’re a patron, please make sure your address is updated on your Patreon account, and there’s one other step we need you to do on your Patreon page. Go to Manage Memberships, Active Memberships, and there’s a spot to click to make your address available for Tabletop Squadron to view.

And, if you’ve been on the fence about helping support the show, now is a fantastic time to jump on the ship. Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 12. Really getting into things, and thank you for coming along on the ride. We really just enjoy this time that we spend together, every other Thursday. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played let me know what you spent it on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I did not spend any points since last time. I’m saving them.

NICK: For a rainy day?

LILIT: To buy bigger things.

NICK: Oh, that makes sense. Wonderful! Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I too did not spend any experience points.

NICK: To be fair, I didn’t give you all that many last time.

CAMERON: No, you gave us 10, and I need 15!

NICK: Oh man. What a cruel and harsh game master I am.

CAMERON: [laughing] I know. So mean.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’d like to do something a little unorthodox here.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: So Nick, get ready.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: I would like to donate, as a gift, 10 of my points to Lilit because of their birthday recently.


LILIT: Aww, thank you!


LILIT: [smiling] I’m actually going to take those. How many is it?


HUDSON: You didn’t even wait to see if Nick allowed it.

LILIT: How many was it?



CAMERON: I will accept!

LILIT: I’m going to take them.

NICK: I mean, we all know I’m not gonna get in the way of this lovely relationship moment. If you wanna give your experience points to somebody else you go right ahead.

LILIT: And you know what, I’m actually going to use 20 of those right now to boost my Stealth up another rank.

NICK: [pretending to sing] Haaappy birth—Okay.

LILIT: [singing along] Happy birthday to me!


NICK: To you! We cannot sing that over the call. It is going to be murder on my editing.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: But happy birthday, Lilit. What a great present, Hudson.

LILIT: Feliz cumpleaños a ti~

NICK: So, before we get into the episode, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

LILIT: One dark side.

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.


LILIT: Get it together, Hudson.

HUDSON: You got a dark side too.

LILIT: Yeah, but I only got one.

CAMERON: But only one!

HUDSON: But you’ve gotten dark sides the past three games.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: I mean… who’s really keeping count?

HUDSON: [laughing] Me.

CAMERON: Are you keeping a tally, Hudson?!

NICK: How do you remember that?

LILIT: Why is… Why can you remember THAT?

HUDSON: Is this a direct impact on our relationship?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Why is it that you remember the number of dark side points I rolled but not to do the laundry? Or to flip the laundry from the washer into the dryer so then we have to redo it.


NICK: And then you get dark side spots on the clothes.

HUDSON: This is high stakes. My character could die. The clothes can be rewashed.

NICK: So the last time we played, you all continued taking advantage of the small riot that you had created during a movie. You were able to gather some supplies and get Sentinel out of his cell, and you were able to hide Sentinel in a closet near the library. You all were able to go to Jeyb’s cell to try and fetch the moonshine. As you got there, you saw Jeyb brutally murdered by his second in command, Endo the Tognath, and you fought him until he fled into the darkness of the cell block leaving you alone, the four of you, in Jeyb’s cell. That’s where we’re gonna kick it off.

We open on the crew standing in the cell. The body of the prison gang leader is slumped on the ground clearly dead. The northern cell block is still weirdly quiet in the aftermath of the fight, and you can hear the faint trickle of water somewhere in the distance.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we have to go find the moonshine now, correct?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Under the bed. Always under the bed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! Always look under the bed first, and then look in the back of the toilet. What is that called? The back part.

HUDSON (as Tink): The tank?

LILIT (as Xianna): The tank! Where the water is. Because you can put things in baggies and then tape it in there.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you do that actually it offsets the water in a way where you don’t get as strong of a flush. It’s not very good.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

LILIT (as Xianna): There are many reasons why it is not as good, but you still do it.

NICK: HK points definitively to the center of the cell and says:

NICK (as HK): I do not believe that there is a water tank on the back of this open grate that you squat over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I forgot that Jeyb had that toilet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, the squat toilet, right.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, it really is better for you.

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I’m a little confused about the hole that you bathroom in being the desired utility. You all seem to be very interested in this grate that you go to the bathroom on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, I’m not necessarily saying I want the grate, I am just saying that the squatty potty things are often more better for you because of, like, anatomy and stuff. Obviously not everybody can use it, and so like you might need to use a more traditional round sitty toilet.

NICK (as HK): A sitty shitty.

CAMERON: [giggling] Technical term.

LILIT (as Xianna): A sitty one, where you sit on it, yes. I think it reduces hernias or something? I don’t know. It just is better. I think you have to push less? I don’t know actually, I just have heard it is better for  you. You don’t think he hides the hooch down inside the toilet? I hope he does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Only one way to find out, and it’s not looking in there, it’s looking under the bed first.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. Everybody look around the room to see where the hooch is.

NICK: Who’s looking under the bed?


NICK: Tink, roll me a Force die please.

LILIT: [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughing] If I hit two light side we get a new member of the team.

LILIT: He did~!

HUDSON: Two light side!

NICK: Okay. So, with two light side points you find more prison hooch than was the prize, like Jeyb has been stockpiling it under there.


NICK: So you find like two reasonably sized mini kegs, one of which you recognize as the prize from the murder volleyball tournament that you played in and another one seems to have been some of Jebadiah Drawl’s top stash that Jeyb had gotten previously from something else. Also, with two light side points, is there something else you would like to find under the bed? Because I’m willing to give you a present.

LILIT: A very nice hat for Tink.


LILIT: Just a jaunty hat. What kind of jaunty hat is it? Do you think it’s kind of pirate style with a big feather in it? Do you think it’s like a pretty sun bonnet with flowers?

NICK: Now it does need to be big enough that it fits on Jeyb’s head, so it is gonna be a very large hat.

LILIT: Maybe it was more of a fascinator style for Jeyb…


LILIT: …so it kind of sat on top and didn’t fully sit around his head, you know, and that would mean that it actually fits Tink.

HUDSON: Like a baby shit green bowler with two feathers in it.

CAMERON: [wincing laugh] Oh great.

NICK: Perfect.

LILIT: Why do you want a pea green bowler? I’m calling it pea green.

NICK: Same difference.

LILIT: I don’t like it. Pea green.

HUDSON: [laughing] You don’t like my color description?

LILIT: Olive green.

HUDSON: [sighs, composing himself] Okay, my olive green bowler hat with two feathers.

CAMERON: A dirty olive green.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What color are the feathers though? I need to know.

HUDSON: Oh, white.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: Are they like two feathers next to each other on the side or are they in the back like rabbit ears?

HUDSON: They’re glued to the side. Like the Flash? Doesn’t he have lightning bolts on the side of his head going out?


HUDSON: Okay, yeah.

LILIT: Okay!

NICK: So Tink, you find twice the amount of prison hooch you were expecting and this lovely pea green bowler hat that looks the perfect size for you with two feathers jauntily glued at an angle to each side.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh… This feels like me. I’m never taking it off.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a very nice hat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it is a very nice color on you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you! It’s a good quality hat. I can’t believe he snuck it in here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Looks very sturdy. You will hold all the alcohol…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we will go to the kitchen…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and some sort of explosion is happening in the kitchen?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): And we should be able to get the bottles and rags and stuff in the pantry too.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! So then we will make the Mandalore cocktails and then we will pass them out to the groups and we will throw them and make a big boom! Riot. Chaos. Destruction. Pandemonium!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): And with that we will use it as a cover to get to the library and escape.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Who goes to the library during a riot? That’s a quiet area.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is why no one will expect it. Also, there is a gigantic vent that we can all go through.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice.

NICK (as HK): Are you saying that the library has a quiet riot?

HUDSON: [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is what we are saying.

NICK (as HK): Just clarifying. Thank you. It’s about time to start some chaos, don’t you think?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do. Kitchen this way.

NICK: Alright, so you all follow Karma. She leads you all down a short hallway. There is an overlapping panel in this open abandoned cell that you’re able to pull back and there’s a gap between two walls that you can slide through. It is surprisingly cleaned up to about nine feet up the walls, but you can see that up above it this area is not traversed, so nothing taller than nine feet has been in here.

HUDSON: So, I turn to the group and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): So I wonder, in that abandoned cell, who used to be in there that was so snacky that rather than making a secret tunnel out of the actual prison they made it to the kitchen for midnight snackies?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is something I would do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does feel right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Out of all the places you could tunnel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like maybe it was easier to tunnel to the kitchen.

NICK (as HK): It appears this was more taking advantage of the structure than an attempt to escape or modify one’s surroundings.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounded official. Do you have a schematic of the building?

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to sound smart for once. Normally all I do is talk about murder or whatever, but you can tell because the way the walls overlap. I think that’s just how the building went. Nobody dug this. There’s just two walls there.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you’re more than a murder bot, HK.

NICK (as HK): And I think you’re more than a source of Force-sensitive blood that I will someday harvest.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, now I’m this hat too!

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright… enough with the touching bonding moments. Let us continue.

NICK: At this point you come to the end of this passageway between the walls and you’re able to pop out into the pantry of the large prison kitchen, and there are large sacks of flour covering the wall of the pantry, and you have the run of the kitchen.

HUDSON: I look around for bottles in various cabinets.

NICK: Cool. So you are currently in the pantry. You can see a lot of bagged food and cans and things. This is where most of the supplies that go to make the prison rations come from. There is a light wooden door that separates this from the rest of the kitchen. Who goes through the door?

CAMERON: I guess Karma will walk out. She technically has kitchen duty.

NICK: Are you trying to be sneaky at all, Karma, or are you just gonna walk around the place?

CAMERON: I mean, yeah? Because I figure that giant kitchen robot likely doesn’t leave the kitchen.

NICK: Probably doesn’t, huh.


NICK: So go ahead and make me a Stealthy check, please.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages?

NICK: Okay. So one success, three advantages. You are able to quietly open the door. You see this large barrel-chested droid that runs the kitchen. The kitchen master appears to be in sleep mode, but there is a series of laser dots coming out of the top of his head just periodically scanning the kitchen at random, so even though he is not currently functioning he is tracking it.

You have not set any of those off, to begin with, and with your advantages you are able to clearly see where the supplies to make your Mandalore cocktails would be. They haven’t moved from where you did your original kitchen duty, so there are empty bottles that are refilled with water and there are lots of dishrags around. You’re just gonna need to be kind of careful getting out of the kitchen without setting off this giant droid designed to use knives.

CAMERON: Fair. Alright. Karma waves the rest of the group over and points.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the kitchen master droid. It’s sleeping. We don’t want to wake it up, but the bottles are right over there by the sink along with the drying towels.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can be sneaky.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can be sneaky too, but do I need to use my slingshot to shoot a little rock or like a little bottle across the room so that they start noticing something on the other side that we’re not at?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe if they wake up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): If they wake up then we can just murder them with the things in the kitchen.

HUDSON: I keep my slingshot ready at hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, don’t shoot it unless it wakes up though. There’s no need to wake it up if we don’t have to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK: So I would take a Stealth or Coordination check from everybody who is helping to gather the supplies. The more people who help the more supplies you’ll be able to get quicker, because you don’t necessarily have to be super sneaky so much as stay out of the laser sights.

LILIT: I do have a question.

NICK: Yes?

LILIT: Is there a small cutting board close to Xianna or near the bottles? Can we just say there is?

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I had advantages.

NICK: Yeah, there you go. One of the advantages is a cutting board. There you go.

LILIT: Great.

NICK: It’s a kitchen.

LILIT: So, if there is one right next to us, Xianna is gonna see the cutting board and go…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Hold on a second.

LILIT: …and takes the cutting board, assuming it is clean, plops it down on one of the shelves in the pantry and reaches into her little prison jumpsuit and pulls out her one baggie of impact…

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: …and pour it out into a line, and then takes said impact.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sniffs] Okie! Very good. Very sneaky now. Okie. I will sneak now.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): Is now the best time to be taking recreational drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Of course it is. They make me so much sneakier. I am so—I am like a shadow on the wind. So sneaky. I am so fast. The droid will not see me. It is going to be great. And besides, we are going to go start a riot in a few minutes, so this is going to be so much fun!

NICK (as HK): I agree about the riot being fun. Karma, correct me, but isn’t being more energetic and talkative not necessarily the stealthiest option?

CAMERON (as Karma): A very valid point, HK. Yes.

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to make sure I had an understanding. Alright, please continue.

LILIT: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Now that you know the droid is there and Karma has pointed it out, it would be average.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So the more people who help the faster you’ll get it, but the less people who help the less likely you are you’ll get caught…


NICK: …but also the longer you take the more likely the riot outside is gonna be in a bad situation, because y’all are kind of on a timetable. [laughs]


CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, are you going for bottles or rags?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am going for the bottles!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I will go for the rags.

CAMERON: Karma has two successes, three advantages.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: I did not roll super well for the dice I was given.


LILIT: I did still, however, get two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Eh, that’s not bad.

HUDSON: I’m gonna flip a light side point to be extra safety safe.

NICK: Yeah, it would really be bad if you failed this, so…

HUDSON: [rolls]

LILIT: One threat. He rolled a threat.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So Hudson, I’m going to give you creative control for a second.


NICK: What happens? How does the situation go from stealthily successful to not?

HUDSON: Unlike other floors in the facility the floor in the kitchen is extra smooth and a little bit slippery, and I’m made of fur, so my fur slips and I just faceplant right where I’m walking, and I faceplant and I go:

HUDSON (as Tink): OOF!

NICK: So you fall prone?

HUDSON: So I fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise, cut off abruptly before it finishes]

NICK: But not mechanically.


NICK: So a little prone. Okay. You fall and you make a loud noise and all of these lasers that have been sweeping around the room point straight to Tink, like laser sights, they are pointed at his chest, and you can see the ocular sensors all around this giant barrel multi-arm droid turn on, and it says…

NICK (as Kitchen Master): Hey! It’s not kitchen time!

NICK: …and it starts pulling knives out of its chest and walking towards you.

HUDSON: I scream and run towards the others.

NICK: Alright. That sounds like an initiative roll for everybody.

LILIT: Would this be Cool or Vigilance?

NICK: So for Tink it would be Vigilance, for the two of you who are still stealthed you can roll Cool if you want.


LILIT: Cool.

CAMERON: That’s better.

HUDSON: People have stuff in Cool? I have nothing in Cool.

LILIT: I have a lot in Cool.

NICK: I, Nick, have no points in Cool. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs] I have a success and an advantage.

CAMERON: Karma’s got three successes and two advantages.

LILIT: Xianna has four successes and an advantage.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellow dice please?

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. So, it’s gonna go PC slot, NPC slot, PC slot, PC slot… and HK, we’ll need to roll for him. He rolls two greens. He’s using his Cool stat. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Oh no. An advantage.

NICK: Okay. So if we make it all the way down there he may do something.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So the first move is a PC slot. Tink, you have turned to run away from this large kitchen droid. It is walking towards you with knives. As you start to run, the ocular sensors all over it turn bright red and it starts to emit a low beeping noise, and it is coming straight for you. Karma and Xianna, you see this. You can hear HK fumbling around in the pantry. You’re not quite sure what he’s doing in there. He did not want to help collect things, because Stealth isn’t his jam.

CAMERON: HK found little baby mini marshmallows in the pantry.

NICK: Yes, he probably did.

CAMERON: He’s not eating them.

NICK: To go in the Mandalore cocktails. So, who wants to go first?

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna shoot the droid.

NICK: Cool! Sounds good. That makes sense with all the impact and everything going on at this point.

CAMERON: The droid has just seen Tink, right?

NICK: Yeah.


LILIT: What range are we at? One purple? Two purple?

NICK: Two purple.

LILIT: Two purple.

NICK: You’re across the kitchen.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die for aiming since I’m not moving?

NICK: You absolutely can.

LILIT: I’m aiming so fast.

NICK: I would also give you another blue die for the droid has no idea you’re there, so you have more time.

LILIT: Ah-ha~ I got two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Nice! And you have a hold out blaster which does… 5 damage?

LILIT: Five.

CAMERON: I believe 5.

NICK: Five, so that’s 7 damage, and how many advantages?!

LILIT: Four, which should be enough for a crit.

NICK: Yeah, that does crit. Would you like to roll a crit?

LILIT: Oh boy, I sure would like to. A 10. Ten is Slowed: Can only act during last allied initiative slot on next turn.

NICK: Okay. … [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] There’s only one slot.

NICK: But you do manage to blast a hole in it. It is obvious that this thing is not armored or prepared for combat.

[hard rock music begins]

LILIT: Xianna whips around from gathering up the bottles and in a split second has her hold out blaster out of her jumpsuit and aims it at the droid and just blasts a big old giant hole in the neck plating.

NICK: Yep. The head cants at a bit of an angle, and its steps stutter a little bit with some internal damage that must have caused. It is now an NPC slot, so I think the kitchen droid dual-wielding knives is going to go. He’s going to charge up to Tink as Tink is running away and attempt to stab him with two knives. That’s gonna be a hard difficulty, but he does have two yellow and a green. … He’s good at knives. His job is knives.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: Two successes, one threat. So both of his don’t go off, unfortunately, but he does do 7 damage to you, Tink, as one of the knives plunges down towards your back and grazes your side. Because he has 3 Brawn, this does 2 damage and he got 2 successes, so that’s 7. It looks like he’s swinging with the other knife, but you’re able to move out of the way real quick.


NICK: And he jutters again and seems to pause like a video game character that’s lagging, and whoever goes next is gonna have a blue die against him as he is doing a micro reboot trying to compensate for the damage he’s already taken. You can hear the low beeping noise that he’s doing is starting to get more frequent. It sounds like he’s dialing out almost to set off a bigger alarm, so you’re gonna want to end this quickly. It is a PC slot.

HUDSON: So, I have my hammer, and I go and grab it from my chest where it’s kind of strapped across, and I go HAI-YAH, and I smash its head with a hammer, hopefully.

NICK: So that’ll be average difficulty because it’s a melee attack. You have a black die because this hammer is not balanced very well. Let’s see what you can do.

HUDSON: Three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Wow, so that’s 9 damage. Ouch.

HUDSON: And it is defeated!

[hard rock music ends]

NICK: No, not quite. There is a large gong noise as you smash into the top of this droid with this big hammer, and there’s a crunch, and the droid looks to be stumbling but is continuing towards you with its knives, and you can hear the alarm starting to continue to pick up and it hasn’t quite moved out of the droid and into the PA system of the prison, but Tink, you understand that that’s what he’s doing, gearing up for a broadcast. It is another PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like to shoot the droid, please…

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: …with my heavy repeating blaster.

NICK: Oh yeah, you have Blue’s gun right now.

CAMERON: I do, and I have Quickdraw, so I just take it out of wherever the heck I’m keeping it in my jumpsuit and just have it.

NICK: I’m assuming you have it slung across your back or something.

CAMERON: Probably. I explained how I have my crowbar sword kind of held, like it’s in one pocket and the pocket’s backwards… I don’t know. It’s held up somehow.

NICK: You could just attach things to your back like Master Chief. It’s fine.

CAMERON: Yeah. I just have like hooks back there. I don’t know. It’s weird.

NICK: Yeah. Your head tails hold things.

CAMERON: Yeah! [laughs]

NICK: [pitiful grossed out noise]

CAMERON: [laughing] I don’t like the idea of them being prehensile. That kinda creeps me out.

NICK: Splorp. Yeah.

CAMERON: But can I have a blue die because droid still doesn’t know I’m there?

NICK: Yep. That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’m also gonna aim. And I shoot it. I shoot it very good. I have six successes…

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: …and one threat.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, damage-wise, that would be 16 plus my 4 damage for every time I use Ranged: Heavy, so that’s 20 damage.

NICK: Mm-hmm.


NICK: It had 4 health left, so…

CAMERON: Did I get it~?

NICK: Yeah, you got it. Describe how you super overkill this droid just before it’s able to send an alarm out, because it was about to.

CAMERON: Okay. In a very action movie style last minute beeping, the bomb’s about to go off fashion, Karma pops up from where she was gathering rags underneath the sink counter, places her blaster up on the counter, and shoots the kitchen droid like center of mass, and it just punches straight through the plating, and then the camera shot shifts and you see behind the droid now and this giant control bundle of wires is thrown out of the back of the droid, and it fizzles a little bit with electricity.

NICK: Yep, and it sinks onto its own supports and goes dead. You have shot its brain and heart out at the same time. Great work.

CAMERON: Karma looks appraisingly at the gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I like this.

NICK: [laughs] You all are alone now in the kitchen. You have fired weapons in here, so if anyone’s nearby they’re probably gonna come look, but there’s no official alarm.

CAMERON: Karma ducks back down and starts gathering rags again.

HUDSON (as Tink): What am I supposed to be gathering?!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if you were supposed to be gathering anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can either get rags or get jars, either one. Or if you want, get knives!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll get bottles. I’ve already been knived, I don’t need any more.

CAMERON (as Karma): I… eh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. You can start helping me pour the alcohol into the bottles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

NICK: So we get a scene of the bottles being lined up on the counter and one of these jugs of prison hooch filling them and the team stuffing rags into them assembly line style, and you get like an unsafe amount of Mandalore cocktails, like a very concerning amount. You grab some milk crates out of the pantry, and you can see that HK is fiddling around with some cans of soup in there. You’re not really sure what he’s doing. You’re able to fill up three good sized milk crates with Mandalore cocktails. Do you use all of the prison hooch?


NICK: Okay. So if that’s the case, you have four big old crates. If you dump both of these containers out into bottles, because you have the time, you’re able to get just a concerning amount of fire bombs, essentially. There’s a crate for everybody, and there’s like 15 in each crate.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, we have the Mandalore cocktails, and I guess we just take them into the yard where everybody is and we start a riot? Anything else?

CAMERON (as Karma): Before we leave I’mma set a fire in this pantry so the flour explodes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, yes! Flour explosion.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just for fun, because there’s so much flour.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: HK’s head whips around as he puts a can of soup into his chest compartment.

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, the flour is highly flammable if we fluff it like this and get some of it aerosolized…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as HK): …it will conduct the fire in a terrifying fashion.

NICK: He starts to flap his hands into the sides so flour dust starts to go up into the air. So do you, like, light a Mandalore cocktail and set it next to it? What is your plan?

CAMERON: So path-wise, would it be better to go through the passage or through just the halls of the prison?

NICK: It would probably be best to go through the halls of the prison.


NICK: You’re pretty close to the southern cell block now.

CAMERON: I’m grabbing wooden cutting boards, random trash, creating a pile in the corner of the pantry that we light and then close the door as we walk away so it doesn’t explode immediately. Like, it’s gonna take a little bit for that heat to pick up.

NICK: Okay, so you’re starting a garbage fire in the corner hoping it will go and hit the flour, which you’ve already thrown into the air, so it definitely will.


NICK: Okay. So, you do all that, and you are now able to leave the kitchen. The most direct route towards the southern cell block where the riot is hopefully still happening is to go straight through the hallways. You’re not far. You do have to pass by a route that would take you to the library to go there, so there is the option to just try and leave and leave everyone to fend for themselves if that’s something that you want to do, or you can go and try to break out your friends.


LILIT: No. Riot.

CAMERON: But then we don’t get to riot.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. So you are able to run out, and you can see that as you run through the corridor, you’re all carrying these milk crates of explosive bottles like demonic milkmen, you can see that the holo movie fight has broken out of the cell block but has been quickly backed down by a large wave of guards penning the group in the rec yard.

From where you’re standing you can see across the rec yard to where there’s a group of the prisoners surrounded by rows and rows of the guards that are all pointing stun blasters at them. They’re about to be completely defeated. You can see Blue, Tadzi and Ziller in the crowd trying to keep up the momentum, but already the guards are calling for a full prison lockdown.

LILIT: Xianna takes one of the bottles, lights the rag, and then yells…

LILIT (as Xianna): RIOT!

LILIT: …and then throws it at the nearest guard or camera or important thing that is there.

NICK: So we’ll say that from where you are there is one of the big stun turrets within range.


NICK: You could chuck it up to the top of the wall. There’s a camera near you. You could also potentially throw this into the crowd of guards. Which target would you like to hit?

LILIT: Oh, the turret.

NICK: Okay. So that’s going to be a Ranged attack, Light. Are you going to be aiming?

LILIT: I will.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

LILIT: And what would be the difficulty?

NICK: Two purple, but take a black die because you’re kind of having to throw straight up and that’s a little hard.

LILIT: Okay. A triumph with a success, two more successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. You manage to huck this bottle straight into the barrel of the turret where it bursts on the inside and you can see sparks as the flaming alcohol is thrown into the controlling mechanisms of this turret and it begins to melt from the inside out. You have completely decommissioned it with a single Mandalore cocktail.

[heavy techno music begins]

HUDSON: Tink grabs two Mandalore cocktails, holds them above his head screaming and running into the crowd of rioters, and then stops and says…


HUDSON: …and then throws them straight down to his left and right.


NICK: So, you have these flaming Mandalore cocktails, you run across the yard, scream scatter, and throw them straight down. Roll me a Ranged attack, Light, and also a Force die.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t scatter, we have to riot!

NICK: Now, the good news is the ground is pretty easy to hit, so it’s only one purple die.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And you can have a blue die, because it’s a really big target.

HUDSON: Okay, so I have two advantages and two dark side points.

NICK: So, Tink, you throw these down at your feet, there’s a burst of flame, the guards step back and start to aim their rifles at you. You catch on fire, because you threw fire bombs at your feet, but the crowd of prisoners is starting to get amped up and look around for where they can find these, and you see Blue charge forward and punch one of these guards in the face. You start to see prisoners coming out of the other cell block and out of the northern cell block as well and more of the population is getting involved where before they were hiding because they didn’t wanna get punished for being involved in this. Roll me two green dice, would you?

HUDSON: Now I get three successes.

NICK: Oh buddy. So you’re gonna take 3 damage ignoring Soak, because you’re on fire. When it’s your turn again you can use a maneuver to try and put it out, but for now you’re a flaming Gigoran leading these people to victory, so that’s cool.

[techno music ends]

HUDSON: I yell:

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m on fire! Xianna, Karma, what do I do?!


LILIT (as Xianna): You have to stop, drop and roll~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop, drop and what?

LILIT (as Xianna): Roll! On the ground! Roll around!

HUDSON: I start doing summersaults.


CAMERON: Beautiful.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… Why is he like this?

NICK: You crush a guard beneath your flaming weight as you summersault across the yard. Good work. Karma, is there anything you do to try to kick this riot off as well?

CAMERON: Yep. I set down my case of Mandalore cocktails and grab three or four waiter style where I just have the necks of the bottles in between some fingers on one hand, and take one in the other hand, light it, and chuck it into an area where there a lot of guards around the outside to start getting more people to break out from the corralled area they were in.

NICK: Alright. That’s a Ranged attack, Light.

CAMERON: Hey. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, because you’re throwing at a big crowd of people.

CAMERON: Okay. I am aiming, though.

NICK: Okay fine, you can aim.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because these guards haven’t gone yet this encounter?

NICK: Sure you can.

CAMERON: Why thank you. Three successes, four advantages.

NICK: So you manage to hit a guard in the chest with this. It does the tomahawk throw tumbling end over end with the end flaming making like a flaming wheel and crashes straight into a guard’s armored chest, enveloping in fire. He freaks out and starts to roll on the ground and the fire splashes around him onto other guards who also start to roll and try to put out the fire, and the prisoners seeing this break in the cordon start to pile out, throwing elbows and fists and using shivs and throwing rocks and looking around for additional Mandalore cocktails. The three of y’all, in action, have managed to kick this riot up to an entirely new level.

People start pouring out of the cell blocks. It looks like somebody may have opened the additional cells to let more people out or that the fire alarms that are beginning to go off activated the emergency unlock of the cells, so the whole population is starting to get in on this. You can see the guards quickly going from containment to self-defense in a knot as the prison begins to burn. Do you share your Mandalore cocktails with the population?


CAMERON: Yeah. After Karma throws hers, she yells…

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s more over here, y’all!

CAMERON: …and like points at her case and then keeps running and chucking things.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna would just put her case on the ground and then make sure that we start collecting all of the group.


NICK: It’s pretty easy to find Tadzi, Blue and Ziller. Ziller is outlined in smoke, cheering on the population and making sure that they attack in the right area. Turns out he’s actually a very effective and strategic and charismatic leader. Tadzi is riding Blue around in battle just flailing with abandon with a series of knives and shivs as Blue just punches people into next week over and over again.

After the fire and them seeing you, they work their way through the battle towards you, and there is a lull in the fighting as prisoners grab Mandalore cocktails and start to chuck them at the walls and at remaining guards, and you have a minute to talk as Tadzi slides down off of Blue’s back patting her side like a faithful steed.

NICK (as Tadzi): That was real good, girl. You did real good.

NICK (as Blue): I am not a fathier.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well no, but you ride like one, sweetness.

NICK: They give you a thumbs up, Xianna, as they come over.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright, well, it looks like the riot’s started. What’s the plan?

CAMERON: Karma just starts walking around and handing people their requested weapons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please take your weapon from Karma, and then we will all get together and we will make our way to the library where there is a vent that we will escape through.

NICK (as Tadzi): Sounds perfect.

LILIT (as Xianna): We also have to get Sentinel. I think he is in a broom closet, or a bush? Tink knows where we put Sentinel. We have to go get Tink too. I think he is on fire.

NICK: Tink is running around in the background with fire on his fur. Tink, are you gonna try to put that out or ask for help? What are you doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): Help. Help. I’m on fire, help.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Drop to the ground!

HUDSON: Alright, I drop to the ground. I go prone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now roll around like a log.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Average? It’s not that hard to put yourself out on fire if you do it right.

HUDSON: I have a success and a threat.

NICK: Okay, you take 3 more damage without Soak, but the fire does go out.


NICK: You’re just singed in a bad way. The seam where your prosthetic robot leg, which has taken damage, connects to the rest of your leg is much more obvious as the fur has burned away around it. It looks cool. And… you all are in a group.

CAMERON: To the library.

HUDSON: Yeah, we start heading toward the library.

LILIT: Xianna looks around and is counting everybody on her fingers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I think that is everyone except Sentinel. Tink, you know where Sentinel is. We go get him and then we go to the vents. Okie? Go!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, follow me.

NICK: And they all take off after Tink who pauses, looks around in a way that he thinks looks reassuring, and then picks a direction seemingly at random heading towards the library.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You’re able to make your way there. You’ve pretty much disabled all the security by this point or it’s all aimed at all the other prisoners that are slowly tearing the prison down around themselves. You get to the outside of the library, and along the hallway there is indeed a utility closet of some kind. As you go close to it the door busts open and you see Sentinel in his prison jumpsuit roll his chair forward. Behind him there is still a slightly smooshed Rodian who has been balled up in the corner at this point, still unconscious but otherwise fine.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, I thought I sensed you coming. What’s the next part of the plan?

LILIT: Xianna gives a big wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): Hi Sentinel~ We are going to the library now.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is there something that we need to learn…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, just some light reading. No, there’s vents in there, come on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, there is this romance novel in the fiction section called The Serpent of Burning Desire and it is very interesting and I feel like it is worth a good read. Maybe not right now, actually, considering that we are escaping. But anyways, to answer your question, Sentinel, there is a very large vent in the library to control the temperature and humidity for the holocrons. I don’t know how that works. So let’s go.

CAMERON: Karma’s like herding people through the library doors while this conversation is happening. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. Karma’s very much doing teacher on kindergarten field trip style of crowd control.

CAMERON (as Karma): [putting on a teacher voice] Everybody put your finger up in front of your mouth, and raise your hand, and we’re being quiet. Xianna’s the line leader.

NICK: [laughs] Blue does that and her hand touches the ceiling.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna takes out the makeshift tool that she made for the bolts and starts undoing them on the vent.

HUDSON: I run over to the group coming from one of the bookshelf areas with a book.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, y’all, if I check this out do you think they have like a remote drop off, like I can send it through the mail to bring it back?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t need to return that.

NICK (as Ziller): Brother, we’re escaping prison, take whatever you want.

NICK: As Ziller grabs books off the shelves. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a prison. Like, steal the book. That is called praxis.

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s only one title I was really looking after, and they actually have it, Alderaan Shrugged.

NICK: Agh fuck!


[pained laughter]

NICK (as Ziller): I’ve always thought that the economic theories in there were oversimplified and rather inhumane to populations, but you do you, brother.

NICK: Xianna, you’re able to pop this vent open very easily. You’ve made this tool that you’ve prepared. It’s basically like using a screwdriver on a screw. It doesn’t take a lot of skill. The hard part was making the tool in the first place that could grip these bolts. You’re able to quickly remove the panel. Do you disable the security camera before the rest of the crew goes through?

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna would remember that the security camera needs to either be disabled or moved in a way that everybody can’t be seen on it.

NICK: Yeah, and you’re very easily able to slide that around so that nobody will be seen on where you’re going. Do you try to close the vent behind you or just leave the grating off?

LILIT: If it’s not super difficult Xianna would close the grate and put the screws back if possible, or put the grate back and then take the screws so that it’s not super obvious right away.

NICK: If you put the grate back and take the screws it’ll sit mostly flush, unless the air changes direction there’s a chance it’ll fall, screwing it back in so that there’s  no evidence would require a check. That would be pretty difficult to do, like screwing backwards.

LILIT: Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: Yeah, that’d be a Skulduggery.

LILIT: I’m gonna do that check then.

NICK: Okay. It is hard with a black die because you’re using impromptu tools, and flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

LILIT: And because I have Convincing Demeanor I can remove a black die on Deception or Skulduggery checks.

NICK: Nice!

LILIT: So I’m doing that.

CAMERON: She’s gonna convince these bolts that they want to go back into the vent.

NICK: They are very stubborn.

LILIT: Could I have a blue die for the fact that I have examined this grate quite a bit in the past?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I don’t really know if I needed that, but…

CAMERON: [laughs] May as well take it.

LILIT: I argued for it anyways. Okay, two successes and one advantage.

NICK: Great. You’re able to not only replace these screws, you do it without scratching them so that there’s really zero evidence of it, and you do it quietly and quickly. It involves you having to use a string to maneuver the screwdriver through the vent. It’s very confusing to look at and doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you’re you, but dang did it work. Good job. You’re able to bolt it in behind you, and there’s no evidence of your passing.

LILIT: Xianna slips the tools back into her little jumpsuit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I will lead the way through the air vents.

NICK: Great. You begin to head your way through the air vents, and since you’re leading the way, Xianna, I need either a Perception or a Survival check from you to figure out what is the best direction to go to try and escape.

LILIT: I will take Perception then. What was the difficulty on that check?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard.

LILIT: Okay. That is three successes.

NICK: Awesome. So, Xianna takes the lead. These air vents are very wide as they’re the main vents that feed the entire prison, and you start to head down, and as you head down you actually hear the sounds of ships. The vents leading out of the central air circulation are spotlessly clean. The air rushes around your heads in a way that makes it difficult to hear. Tink’s fur blows dramatically in the breeze.

You’re able to continue through the vents for some time and can tell that you’ve made your way out of the central part of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. As you continue downward you begin to hear ships, and you take a quick left, and another right, and you drop down a few feet. The entire crew is moving well together. Tink is doing well despite his burns. You come to an intersection of two wide vents and are forced to stop to reassess.

LILIT: Xianna stops and turns around to the rest of the group with a very serious look on her face.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Everyone. I have a very, very important question to ask before we keep going. Okie?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, brother.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody in this group have an extra toothbrush that I can have? Not necessarily that is on you now, just when we get out and get back to the ship. I need an extra toothbrush to have, not just to borrow.

NICK: Tadzi shoulders their way through the group and stands next to you and puts a hand on your shoulder, Xianna.

NICK (as Tadzi): Is now the right time to be worried about your dental hygiene?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it is not my dental hygiene I am worried about, because I have my own toothbrush, but if I am going to make up with Nolaa and not have a terrible breakup I need to apologize and put a toothbrush on her ship. But I only have the one toothbrush, and I know I will not remember to take it with me every time. [sounding a little upset] I won’t do that, I know I won’t, so I have to get a second toothbrush. I just thought I would ask before I forgot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Xianna, I have some on our ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a whole case of, like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Where?!

CAMERON (as Karma): …things that I’ve taken from hotels.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): In the guest refresher.

LILIT (as Xianna): The guest refresher?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have one of those?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): I always just use mine, or if I plan on making a big mess, like if I am going to do a bunch of face paint stuff or anything like that I just go into Sabos’s, because like he’s dead, he’s not using it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s why that room’s a wreck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is where I just throw stuff I don’t need anymore. Also, it was already very disgusting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it wasn’t very clean.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is this entirely pertinent to our escape at this time?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because once we escape I then have to decide if I don’t do anything to save my relationship, and so I need to have a toothbrush, because maybe Nolaa is the first person I should see after I escape from prison. And also, I am like 75% sure that she has Creamsicle with her, so if I want to get my pet loth-rat back I have to go see my kind of girlfriend kind of ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know exactly where we ended on it, but I should make up at that point.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sentinel, this is a touching moment. You can just shut up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Whoa! Okay… I do owe you all quite a bit of debt having helped me to escape, so… you have your moment.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re welcome.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just trying to be a better person, Sentinel! And you are just being so mean right now! I messed up my relationship and I’m trying to learn from it, and grow, and acknowledge my mistakes, and do better.

CAMERON (as Karma): You really can’t just step over people’s character growth like that, Sentinel.

NICK (as Blue): Aww… Yeah, that’s really sweet.

NICK: Tadzi reaches into their jumpsuit and pulls out a toothbrush that’s been sharpened into a shiv.

NICK (as Tadzi): This one may do you some good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is perfect! Thank you. Should I also get her flowers…?

NICK (as Tadzi): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like an edible arrangement or something?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, absolutely, probably both.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that a correct…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. I just didn’t know if that was correct for the situation.

NICK (as Tadzi): Also, having grabbed this shiv, I just remember. Tink, where the hell is my spoon shiv you owe me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh, oh!

HUDSON: I quickly pull it out of my fur.

NICK: And you hand it over, and you all are able to move on, and you find quickly, as Xianna leads you onward, another vent that looks out over a loading area that has a cargo speeder in it and there’s a few guards scattered around.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well y’all, what an e-vent-ful evening.

CAMERON (as Karma): [groans weakly]

NICK (as Tadzi): Just because you gave me a sharpened spoon doesn’t mean I won’t stab you anyway.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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