Transcript: S2 Episode 12: Making the Mess in Mess Hall

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 12:
Making the Mess in Mess Hall

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

One quick announcement, everyone, before we get started. We are working on mailing out Life Day cards to our patrons this upcoming holiday season, but we don’t know where to send them. If you’re a patron, please make sure your address is updated on your Patreon account, and there’s one other step we need you to do on your Patreon page. Go to Manage Memberships, Active Memberships, and there’s a spot to click to make your address available for Tabletop Squadron to view.

And, if you’ve been on the fence about helping support the show, now is a fantastic time to jump on the ship. Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 12. Really getting into things, and thank you for coming along on the ride. We really just enjoy this time that we spend together, every other Thursday. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played let me know what you spent it on, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I did not spend any points since last time. I’m saving them.

NICK: For a rainy day?

LILIT: To buy bigger things.

NICK: Oh, that makes sense. Wonderful! Up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I too did not spend any experience points.

NICK: To be fair, I didn’t give you all that many last time.

CAMERON: No, you gave us 10, and I need 15!

NICK: Oh man. What a cruel and harsh game master I am.

CAMERON: [laughing] I know. So mean.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’d like to do something a little unorthodox here.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: So Nick, get ready.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: I would like to donate, as a gift, 10 of my points to Lilit because of their birthday recently.


LILIT: Aww, thank you!


LILIT: [smiling] I’m actually going to take those. How many is it?


HUDSON: You didn’t even wait to see if Nick allowed it.

LILIT: How many was it?



CAMERON: I will accept!

LILIT: I’m going to take them.

NICK: I mean, we all know I’m not gonna get in the way of this lovely relationship moment. If you wanna give your experience points to somebody else you go right ahead.

LILIT: And you know what, I’m actually going to use 20 of those right now to boost my Stealth up another rank.

NICK: [pretending to sing] Haaappy birth—Okay.

LILIT: [singing along] Happy birthday to me!


NICK: To you! We cannot sing that over the call. It is going to be murder on my editing.


CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: But happy birthday, Lilit. What a great present, Hudson.

LILIT: Feliz cumpleaños a ti~

NICK: So, before we get into the episode, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

LILIT: One dark side.

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.


LILIT: Get it together, Hudson.

HUDSON: You got a dark side too.

LILIT: Yeah, but I only got one.

CAMERON: But only one!

HUDSON: But you’ve gotten dark sides the past three games.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: I mean… who’s really keeping count?

HUDSON: [laughing] Me.

CAMERON: Are you keeping a tally, Hudson?!

NICK: How do you remember that?

LILIT: Why is… Why can you remember THAT?

HUDSON: Is this a direct impact on our relationship?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Why is it that you remember the number of dark side points I rolled but not to do the laundry? Or to flip the laundry from the washer into the dryer so then we have to redo it.


NICK: And then you get dark side spots on the clothes.

HUDSON: This is high stakes. My character could die. The clothes can be rewashed.

NICK: So the last time we played, you all continued taking advantage of the small riot that you had created during a movie. You were able to gather some supplies and get Sentinel out of his cell, and you were able to hide Sentinel in a closet near the library. You all were able to go to Jeyb’s cell to try and fetch the moonshine. As you got there, you saw Jeyb brutally murdered by his second in command, Endo the Tognath, and you fought him until he fled into the darkness of the cell block leaving you alone, the four of you, in Jeyb’s cell. That’s where we’re gonna kick it off.

We open on the crew standing in the cell. The body of the prison gang leader is slumped on the ground clearly dead. The northern cell block is still weirdly quiet in the aftermath of the fight, and you can hear the faint trickle of water somewhere in the distance.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we have to go find the moonshine now, correct?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Under the bed. Always under the bed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! Always look under the bed first, and then look in the back of the toilet. What is that called? The back part.

HUDSON (as Tink): The tank?

LILIT (as Xianna): The tank! Where the water is. Because you can put things in baggies and then tape it in there.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you do that actually it offsets the water in a way where you don’t get as strong of a flush. It’s not very good.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

LILIT (as Xianna): There are many reasons why it is not as good, but you still do it.

NICK: HK points definitively to the center of the cell and says:

NICK (as HK): I do not believe that there is a water tank on the back of this open grate that you squat over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I forgot that Jeyb had that toilet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, the squat toilet, right.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, it really is better for you.

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I’m a little confused about the hole that you bathroom in being the desired utility. You all seem to be very interested in this grate that you go to the bathroom on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, I’m not necessarily saying I want the grate, I am just saying that the squatty potty things are often more better for you because of, like, anatomy and stuff. Obviously not everybody can use it, and so like you might need to use a more traditional round sitty toilet.

NICK (as HK): A sitty shitty.

CAMERON: [giggling] Technical term.

LILIT (as Xianna): A sitty one, where you sit on it, yes. I think it reduces hernias or something? I don’t know. It just is better. I think you have to push less? I don’t know actually, I just have heard it is better for  you. You don’t think he hides the hooch down inside the toilet? I hope he does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Only one way to find out, and it’s not looking in there, it’s looking under the bed first.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. Everybody look around the room to see where the hooch is.

NICK: Who’s looking under the bed?


NICK: Tink, roll me a Force die please.

LILIT: [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughing] If I hit two light side we get a new member of the team.

LILIT: He did~!

HUDSON: Two light side!

NICK: Okay. So, with two light side points you find more prison hooch than was the prize, like Jeyb has been stockpiling it under there.


NICK: So you find like two reasonably sized mini kegs, one of which you recognize as the prize from the murder volleyball tournament that you played in and another one seems to have been some of Jebadiah Drawl’s top stash that Jeyb had gotten previously from something else. Also, with two light side points, is there something else you would like to find under the bed? Because I’m willing to give you a present.

LILIT: A very nice hat for Tink.


LILIT: Just a jaunty hat. What kind of jaunty hat is it? Do you think it’s kind of pirate style with a big feather in it? Do you think it’s like a pretty sun bonnet with flowers?

NICK: Now it does need to be big enough that it fits on Jeyb’s head, so it is gonna be a very large hat.

LILIT: Maybe it was more of a fascinator style for Jeyb…


LILIT: …so it kind of sat on top and didn’t fully sit around his head, you know, and that would mean that it actually fits Tink.

HUDSON: Like a baby shit green bowler with two feathers in it.

CAMERON: [wincing laugh] Oh great.

NICK: Perfect.

LILIT: Why do you want a pea green bowler? I’m calling it pea green.

NICK: Same difference.

LILIT: I don’t like it. Pea green.

HUDSON: [laughing] You don’t like my color description?

LILIT: Olive green.

HUDSON: [sighs, composing himself] Okay, my olive green bowler hat with two feathers.

CAMERON: A dirty olive green.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What color are the feathers though? I need to know.

HUDSON: Oh, white.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: Are they like two feathers next to each other on the side or are they in the back like rabbit ears?

HUDSON: They’re glued to the side. Like the Flash? Doesn’t he have lightning bolts on the side of his head going out?


HUDSON: Okay, yeah.

LILIT: Okay!

NICK: So Tink, you find twice the amount of prison hooch you were expecting and this lovely pea green bowler hat that looks the perfect size for you with two feathers jauntily glued at an angle to each side.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh… This feels like me. I’m never taking it off.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a very nice hat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it is a very nice color on you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you! It’s a good quality hat. I can’t believe he snuck it in here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Looks very sturdy. You will hold all the alcohol…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we will go to the kitchen…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and some sort of explosion is happening in the kitchen?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): And we should be able to get the bottles and rags and stuff in the pantry too.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! So then we will make the Mandalore cocktails and then we will pass them out to the groups and we will throw them and make a big boom! Riot. Chaos. Destruction. Pandemonium!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): And with that we will use it as a cover to get to the library and escape.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Who goes to the library during a riot? That’s a quiet area.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is why no one will expect it. Also, there is a gigantic vent that we can all go through.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice.

NICK (as HK): Are you saying that the library has a quiet riot?

HUDSON: [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is what we are saying.

NICK (as HK): Just clarifying. Thank you. It’s about time to start some chaos, don’t you think?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do. Kitchen this way.

NICK: Alright, so you all follow Karma. She leads you all down a short hallway. There is an overlapping panel in this open abandoned cell that you’re able to pull back and there’s a gap between two walls that you can slide through. It is surprisingly cleaned up to about nine feet up the walls, but you can see that up above it this area is not traversed, so nothing taller than nine feet has been in here.

HUDSON: So, I turn to the group and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): So I wonder, in that abandoned cell, who used to be in there that was so snacky that rather than making a secret tunnel out of the actual prison they made it to the kitchen for midnight snackies?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is something I would do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does feel right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Out of all the places you could tunnel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like maybe it was easier to tunnel to the kitchen.

NICK (as HK): It appears this was more taking advantage of the structure than an attempt to escape or modify one’s surroundings.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounded official. Do you have a schematic of the building?

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to sound smart for once. Normally all I do is talk about murder or whatever, but you can tell because the way the walls overlap. I think that’s just how the building went. Nobody dug this. There’s just two walls there.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you’re more than a murder bot, HK.

NICK (as HK): And I think you’re more than a source of Force-sensitive blood that I will someday harvest.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, now I’m this hat too!

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright… enough with the touching bonding moments. Let us continue.

NICK: At this point you come to the end of this passageway between the walls and you’re able to pop out into the pantry of the large prison kitchen, and there are large sacks of flour covering the wall of the pantry, and you have the run of the kitchen.

HUDSON: I look around for bottles in various cabinets.

NICK: Cool. So you are currently in the pantry. You can see a lot of bagged food and cans and things. This is where most of the supplies that go to make the prison rations come from. There is a light wooden door that separates this from the rest of the kitchen. Who goes through the door?

CAMERON: I guess Karma will walk out. She technically has kitchen duty.

NICK: Are you trying to be sneaky at all, Karma, or are you just gonna walk around the place?

CAMERON: I mean, yeah? Because I figure that giant kitchen robot likely doesn’t leave the kitchen.

NICK: Probably doesn’t, huh.


NICK: So go ahead and make me a Stealthy check, please.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages?

NICK: Okay. So one success, three advantages. You are able to quietly open the door. You see this large barrel-chested droid that runs the kitchen. The kitchen master appears to be in sleep mode, but there is a series of laser dots coming out of the top of his head just periodically scanning the kitchen at random, so even though he is not currently functioning he is tracking it.

You have not set any of those off, to begin with, and with your advantages you are able to clearly see where the supplies to make your Mandalore cocktails would be. They haven’t moved from where you did your original kitchen duty, so there are empty bottles that are refilled with water and there are lots of dishrags around. You’re just gonna need to be kind of careful getting out of the kitchen without setting off this giant droid designed to use knives.

CAMERON: Fair. Alright. Karma waves the rest of the group over and points.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the kitchen master droid. It’s sleeping. We don’t want to wake it up, but the bottles are right over there by the sink along with the drying towels.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can be sneaky.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can be sneaky too, but do I need to use my slingshot to shoot a little rock or like a little bottle across the room so that they start noticing something on the other side that we’re not at?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe if they wake up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): If they wake up then we can just murder them with the things in the kitchen.

HUDSON: I keep my slingshot ready at hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, don’t shoot it unless it wakes up though. There’s no need to wake it up if we don’t have to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK: So I would take a Stealth or Coordination check from everybody who is helping to gather the supplies. The more people who help the more supplies you’ll be able to get quicker, because you don’t necessarily have to be super sneaky so much as stay out of the laser sights.

LILIT: I do have a question.

NICK: Yes?

LILIT: Is there a small cutting board close to Xianna or near the bottles? Can we just say there is?

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I had advantages.

NICK: Yeah, there you go. One of the advantages is a cutting board. There you go.

LILIT: Great.

NICK: It’s a kitchen.

LILIT: So, if there is one right next to us, Xianna is gonna see the cutting board and go…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Hold on a second.

LILIT: …and takes the cutting board, assuming it is clean, plops it down on one of the shelves in the pantry and reaches into her little prison jumpsuit and pulls out her one baggie of impact…

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: …and pour it out into a line, and then takes said impact.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sniffs] Okie! Very good. Very sneaky now. Okie. I will sneak now.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): Is now the best time to be taking recreational drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Of course it is. They make me so much sneakier. I am so—I am like a shadow on the wind. So sneaky. I am so fast. The droid will not see me. It is going to be great. And besides, we are going to go start a riot in a few minutes, so this is going to be so much fun!

NICK (as HK): I agree about the riot being fun. Karma, correct me, but isn’t being more energetic and talkative not necessarily the stealthiest option?

CAMERON (as Karma): A very valid point, HK. Yes.

NICK (as HK): I just wanted to make sure I had an understanding. Alright, please continue.

LILIT: What would be the difficulty?

NICK: Now that you know the droid is there and Karma has pointed it out, it would be average.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So the more people who help the faster you’ll get it, but the less people who help the less likely you are you’ll get caught…


NICK: …but also the longer you take the more likely the riot outside is gonna be in a bad situation, because y’all are kind of on a timetable. [laughs]


CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, are you going for bottles or rags?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am going for the bottles!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I will go for the rags.

CAMERON: Karma has two successes, three advantages.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: I did not roll super well for the dice I was given.


LILIT: I did still, however, get two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Eh, that’s not bad.

HUDSON: I’m gonna flip a light side point to be extra safety safe.

NICK: Yeah, it would really be bad if you failed this, so…

HUDSON: [rolls]

LILIT: One threat. He rolled a threat.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So Hudson, I’m going to give you creative control for a second.


NICK: What happens? How does the situation go from stealthily successful to not?

HUDSON: Unlike other floors in the facility the floor in the kitchen is extra smooth and a little bit slippery, and I’m made of fur, so my fur slips and I just faceplant right where I’m walking, and I faceplant and I go:

HUDSON (as Tink): OOF!

NICK: So you fall prone?

HUDSON: So I fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise, cut off abruptly before it finishes]

NICK: But not mechanically.


NICK: So a little prone. Okay. You fall and you make a loud noise and all of these lasers that have been sweeping around the room point straight to Tink, like laser sights, they are pointed at his chest, and you can see the ocular sensors all around this giant barrel multi-arm droid turn on, and it says…

NICK (as Kitchen Master): Hey! It’s not kitchen time!

NICK: …and it starts pulling knives out of its chest and walking towards you.

HUDSON: I scream and run towards the others.

NICK: Alright. That sounds like an initiative roll for everybody.

LILIT: Would this be Cool or Vigilance?

NICK: So for Tink it would be Vigilance, for the two of you who are still stealthed you can roll Cool if you want.


LILIT: Cool.

CAMERON: That’s better.

HUDSON: People have stuff in Cool? I have nothing in Cool.

LILIT: I have a lot in Cool.

NICK: I, Nick, have no points in Cool. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs] I have a success and an advantage.

CAMERON: Karma’s got three successes and two advantages.

LILIT: Xianna has four successes and an advantage.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellow dice please?

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. So, it’s gonna go PC slot, NPC slot, PC slot, PC slot… and HK, we’ll need to roll for him. He rolls two greens. He’s using his Cool stat. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Oh no. An advantage.

NICK: Okay. So if we make it all the way down there he may do something.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So the first move is a PC slot. Tink, you have turned to run away from this large kitchen droid. It is walking towards you with knives. As you start to run, the ocular sensors all over it turn bright red and it starts to emit a low beeping noise, and it is coming straight for you. Karma and Xianna, you see this. You can hear HK fumbling around in the pantry. You’re not quite sure what he’s doing in there. He did not want to help collect things, because Stealth isn’t his jam.

CAMERON: HK found little baby mini marshmallows in the pantry.

NICK: Yes, he probably did.

CAMERON: He’s not eating them.

NICK: To go in the Mandalore cocktails. So, who wants to go first?

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna shoot the droid.

NICK: Cool! Sounds good. That makes sense with all the impact and everything going on at this point.

CAMERON: The droid has just seen Tink, right?

NICK: Yeah.


LILIT: What range are we at? One purple? Two purple?

NICK: Two purple.

LILIT: Two purple.

NICK: You’re across the kitchen.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die for aiming since I’m not moving?

NICK: You absolutely can.

LILIT: I’m aiming so fast.

NICK: I would also give you another blue die for the droid has no idea you’re there, so you have more time.

LILIT: Ah-ha~ I got two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Nice! And you have a hold out blaster which does… 5 damage?

LILIT: Five.

CAMERON: I believe 5.

NICK: Five, so that’s 7 damage, and how many advantages?!

LILIT: Four, which should be enough for a crit.

NICK: Yeah, that does crit. Would you like to roll a crit?

LILIT: Oh boy, I sure would like to. A 10. Ten is Slowed: Can only act during last allied initiative slot on next turn.

NICK: Okay. … [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] There’s only one slot.

NICK: But you do manage to blast a hole in it. It is obvious that this thing is not armored or prepared for combat.

[hard rock music begins]

LILIT: Xianna whips around from gathering up the bottles and in a split second has her hold out blaster out of her jumpsuit and aims it at the droid and just blasts a big old giant hole in the neck plating.

NICK: Yep. The head cants at a bit of an angle, and its steps stutter a little bit with some internal damage that must have caused. It is now an NPC slot, so I think the kitchen droid dual-wielding knives is going to go. He’s going to charge up to Tink as Tink is running away and attempt to stab him with two knives. That’s gonna be a hard difficulty, but he does have two yellow and a green. … He’s good at knives. His job is knives.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: Two successes, one threat. So both of his don’t go off, unfortunately, but he does do 7 damage to you, Tink, as one of the knives plunges down towards your back and grazes your side. Because he has 3 Brawn, this does 2 damage and he got 2 successes, so that’s 7. It looks like he’s swinging with the other knife, but you’re able to move out of the way real quick.


NICK: And he jutters again and seems to pause like a video game character that’s lagging, and whoever goes next is gonna have a blue die against him as he is doing a micro reboot trying to compensate for the damage he’s already taken. You can hear the low beeping noise that he’s doing is starting to get more frequent. It sounds like he’s dialing out almost to set off a bigger alarm, so you’re gonna want to end this quickly. It is a PC slot.

HUDSON: So, I have my hammer, and I go and grab it from my chest where it’s kind of strapped across, and I go HAI-YAH, and I smash its head with a hammer, hopefully.

NICK: So that’ll be average difficulty because it’s a melee attack. You have a black die because this hammer is not balanced very well. Let’s see what you can do.

HUDSON: Three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Wow, so that’s 9 damage. Ouch.

HUDSON: And it is defeated!

[hard rock music ends]

NICK: No, not quite. There is a large gong noise as you smash into the top of this droid with this big hammer, and there’s a crunch, and the droid looks to be stumbling but is continuing towards you with its knives, and you can hear the alarm starting to continue to pick up and it hasn’t quite moved out of the droid and into the PA system of the prison, but Tink, you understand that that’s what he’s doing, gearing up for a broadcast. It is another PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like to shoot the droid, please…

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: …with my heavy repeating blaster.

NICK: Oh yeah, you have Blue’s gun right now.

CAMERON: I do, and I have Quickdraw, so I just take it out of wherever the heck I’m keeping it in my jumpsuit and just have it.

NICK: I’m assuming you have it slung across your back or something.

CAMERON: Probably. I explained how I have my crowbar sword kind of held, like it’s in one pocket and the pocket’s backwards… I don’t know. It’s held up somehow.

NICK: You could just attach things to your back like Master Chief. It’s fine.

CAMERON: Yeah. I just have like hooks back there. I don’t know. It’s weird.

NICK: Yeah. Your head tails hold things.

CAMERON: Yeah! [laughs]

NICK: [pitiful grossed out noise]

CAMERON: [laughing] I don’t like the idea of them being prehensile. That kinda creeps me out.

NICK: Splorp. Yeah.

CAMERON: But can I have a blue die because droid still doesn’t know I’m there?

NICK: Yep. That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’m also gonna aim. And I shoot it. I shoot it very good. I have six successes…

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: …and one threat.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, damage-wise, that would be 16 plus my 4 damage for every time I use Ranged: Heavy, so that’s 20 damage.

NICK: Mm-hmm.


NICK: It had 4 health left, so…

CAMERON: Did I get it~?

NICK: Yeah, you got it. Describe how you super overkill this droid just before it’s able to send an alarm out, because it was about to.

CAMERON: Okay. In a very action movie style last minute beeping, the bomb’s about to go off fashion, Karma pops up from where she was gathering rags underneath the sink counter, places her blaster up on the counter, and shoots the kitchen droid like center of mass, and it just punches straight through the plating, and then the camera shot shifts and you see behind the droid now and this giant control bundle of wires is thrown out of the back of the droid, and it fizzles a little bit with electricity.

NICK: Yep, and it sinks onto its own supports and goes dead. You have shot its brain and heart out at the same time. Great work.

CAMERON: Karma looks appraisingly at the gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I like this.

NICK: [laughs] You all are alone now in the kitchen. You have fired weapons in here, so if anyone’s nearby they’re probably gonna come look, but there’s no official alarm.

CAMERON: Karma ducks back down and starts gathering rags again.

HUDSON (as Tink): What am I supposed to be gathering?!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if you were supposed to be gathering anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can either get rags or get jars, either one. Or if you want, get knives!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll get bottles. I’ve already been knived, I don’t need any more.

CAMERON (as Karma): I… eh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. You can start helping me pour the alcohol into the bottles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

NICK: So we get a scene of the bottles being lined up on the counter and one of these jugs of prison hooch filling them and the team stuffing rags into them assembly line style, and you get like an unsafe amount of Mandalore cocktails, like a very concerning amount. You grab some milk crates out of the pantry, and you can see that HK is fiddling around with some cans of soup in there. You’re not really sure what he’s doing. You’re able to fill up three good sized milk crates with Mandalore cocktails. Do you use all of the prison hooch?


NICK: Okay. So if that’s the case, you have four big old crates. If you dump both of these containers out into bottles, because you have the time, you’re able to get just a concerning amount of fire bombs, essentially. There’s a crate for everybody, and there’s like 15 in each crate.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, we have the Mandalore cocktails, and I guess we just take them into the yard where everybody is and we start a riot? Anything else?

CAMERON (as Karma): Before we leave I’mma set a fire in this pantry so the flour explodes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, yes! Flour explosion.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just for fun, because there’s so much flour.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: HK’s head whips around as he puts a can of soup into his chest compartment.

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, the flour is highly flammable if we fluff it like this and get some of it aerosolized…

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as HK): …it will conduct the fire in a terrifying fashion.

NICK: He starts to flap his hands into the sides so flour dust starts to go up into the air. So do you, like, light a Mandalore cocktail and set it next to it? What is your plan?

CAMERON: So path-wise, would it be better to go through the passage or through just the halls of the prison?

NICK: It would probably be best to go through the halls of the prison.


NICK: You’re pretty close to the southern cell block now.

CAMERON: I’m grabbing wooden cutting boards, random trash, creating a pile in the corner of the pantry that we light and then close the door as we walk away so it doesn’t explode immediately. Like, it’s gonna take a little bit for that heat to pick up.

NICK: Okay, so you’re starting a garbage fire in the corner hoping it will go and hit the flour, which you’ve already thrown into the air, so it definitely will.


NICK: Okay. So, you do all that, and you are now able to leave the kitchen. The most direct route towards the southern cell block where the riot is hopefully still happening is to go straight through the hallways. You’re not far. You do have to pass by a route that would take you to the library to go there, so there is the option to just try and leave and leave everyone to fend for themselves if that’s something that you want to do, or you can go and try to break out your friends.


LILIT: No. Riot.

CAMERON: But then we don’t get to riot.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. So you are able to run out, and you can see that as you run through the corridor, you’re all carrying these milk crates of explosive bottles like demonic milkmen, you can see that the holo movie fight has broken out of the cell block but has been quickly backed down by a large wave of guards penning the group in the rec yard.

From where you’re standing you can see across the rec yard to where there’s a group of the prisoners surrounded by rows and rows of the guards that are all pointing stun blasters at them. They’re about to be completely defeated. You can see Blue, Tadzi and Ziller in the crowd trying to keep up the momentum, but already the guards are calling for a full prison lockdown.

LILIT: Xianna takes one of the bottles, lights the rag, and then yells…

LILIT (as Xianna): RIOT!

LILIT: …and then throws it at the nearest guard or camera or important thing that is there.

NICK: So we’ll say that from where you are there is one of the big stun turrets within range.


NICK: You could chuck it up to the top of the wall. There’s a camera near you. You could also potentially throw this into the crowd of guards. Which target would you like to hit?

LILIT: Oh, the turret.

NICK: Okay. So that’s going to be a Ranged attack, Light. Are you going to be aiming?

LILIT: I will.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

LILIT: And what would be the difficulty?

NICK: Two purple, but take a black die because you’re kind of having to throw straight up and that’s a little hard.

LILIT: Okay. A triumph with a success, two more successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. You manage to huck this bottle straight into the barrel of the turret where it bursts on the inside and you can see sparks as the flaming alcohol is thrown into the controlling mechanisms of this turret and it begins to melt from the inside out. You have completely decommissioned it with a single Mandalore cocktail.

[heavy techno music begins]

HUDSON: Tink grabs two Mandalore cocktails, holds them above his head screaming and running into the crowd of rioters, and then stops and says…


HUDSON: …and then throws them straight down to his left and right.


NICK: So, you have these flaming Mandalore cocktails, you run across the yard, scream scatter, and throw them straight down. Roll me a Ranged attack, Light, and also a Force die.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t scatter, we have to riot!

NICK: Now, the good news is the ground is pretty easy to hit, so it’s only one purple die.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And you can have a blue die, because it’s a really big target.

HUDSON: Okay, so I have two advantages and two dark side points.

NICK: So, Tink, you throw these down at your feet, there’s a burst of flame, the guards step back and start to aim their rifles at you. You catch on fire, because you threw fire bombs at your feet, but the crowd of prisoners is starting to get amped up and look around for where they can find these, and you see Blue charge forward and punch one of these guards in the face. You start to see prisoners coming out of the other cell block and out of the northern cell block as well and more of the population is getting involved where before they were hiding because they didn’t wanna get punished for being involved in this. Roll me two green dice, would you?

HUDSON: Now I get three successes.

NICK: Oh buddy. So you’re gonna take 3 damage ignoring Soak, because you’re on fire. When it’s your turn again you can use a maneuver to try and put it out, but for now you’re a flaming Gigoran leading these people to victory, so that’s cool.

[techno music ends]

HUDSON: I yell:

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m on fire! Xianna, Karma, what do I do?!


LILIT (as Xianna): You have to stop, drop and roll~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop, drop and what?

LILIT (as Xianna): Roll! On the ground! Roll around!

HUDSON: I start doing summersaults.


CAMERON: Beautiful.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… Why is he like this?

NICK: You crush a guard beneath your flaming weight as you summersault across the yard. Good work. Karma, is there anything you do to try to kick this riot off as well?

CAMERON: Yep. I set down my case of Mandalore cocktails and grab three or four waiter style where I just have the necks of the bottles in between some fingers on one hand, and take one in the other hand, light it, and chuck it into an area where there a lot of guards around the outside to start getting more people to break out from the corralled area they were in.

NICK: Alright. That’s a Ranged attack, Light.

CAMERON: Hey. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, because you’re throwing at a big crowd of people.

CAMERON: Okay. I am aiming, though.

NICK: Okay fine, you can aim.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because these guards haven’t gone yet this encounter?

NICK: Sure you can.

CAMERON: Why thank you. Three successes, four advantages.

NICK: So you manage to hit a guard in the chest with this. It does the tomahawk throw tumbling end over end with the end flaming making like a flaming wheel and crashes straight into a guard’s armored chest, enveloping in fire. He freaks out and starts to roll on the ground and the fire splashes around him onto other guards who also start to roll and try to put out the fire, and the prisoners seeing this break in the cordon start to pile out, throwing elbows and fists and using shivs and throwing rocks and looking around for additional Mandalore cocktails. The three of y’all, in action, have managed to kick this riot up to an entirely new level.

People start pouring out of the cell blocks. It looks like somebody may have opened the additional cells to let more people out or that the fire alarms that are beginning to go off activated the emergency unlock of the cells, so the whole population is starting to get in on this. You can see the guards quickly going from containment to self-defense in a knot as the prison begins to burn. Do you share your Mandalore cocktails with the population?


CAMERON: Yeah. After Karma throws hers, she yells…

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s more over here, y’all!

CAMERON: …and like points at her case and then keeps running and chucking things.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna would just put her case on the ground and then make sure that we start collecting all of the group.


NICK: It’s pretty easy to find Tadzi, Blue and Ziller. Ziller is outlined in smoke, cheering on the population and making sure that they attack in the right area. Turns out he’s actually a very effective and strategic and charismatic leader. Tadzi is riding Blue around in battle just flailing with abandon with a series of knives and shivs as Blue just punches people into next week over and over again.

After the fire and them seeing you, they work their way through the battle towards you, and there is a lull in the fighting as prisoners grab Mandalore cocktails and start to chuck them at the walls and at remaining guards, and you have a minute to talk as Tadzi slides down off of Blue’s back patting her side like a faithful steed.

NICK (as Tadzi): That was real good, girl. You did real good.

NICK (as Blue): I am not a fathier.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well no, but you ride like one, sweetness.

NICK: They give you a thumbs up, Xianna, as they come over.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright, well, it looks like the riot’s started. What’s the plan?

CAMERON: Karma just starts walking around and handing people their requested weapons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please take your weapon from Karma, and then we will all get together and we will make our way to the library where there is a vent that we will escape through.

NICK (as Tadzi): Sounds perfect.

LILIT (as Xianna): We also have to get Sentinel. I think he is in a broom closet, or a bush? Tink knows where we put Sentinel. We have to go get Tink too. I think he is on fire.

NICK: Tink is running around in the background with fire on his fur. Tink, are you gonna try to put that out or ask for help? What are you doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): Help. Help. I’m on fire, help.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Drop to the ground!

HUDSON: Alright, I drop to the ground. I go prone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now roll around like a log.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check.

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: Average? It’s not that hard to put yourself out on fire if you do it right.

HUDSON: I have a success and a threat.

NICK: Okay, you take 3 more damage without Soak, but the fire does go out.


NICK: You’re just singed in a bad way. The seam where your prosthetic robot leg, which has taken damage, connects to the rest of your leg is much more obvious as the fur has burned away around it. It looks cool. And… you all are in a group.

CAMERON: To the library.

HUDSON: Yeah, we start heading toward the library.

LILIT: Xianna looks around and is counting everybody on her fingers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I think that is everyone except Sentinel. Tink, you know where Sentinel is. We go get him and then we go to the vents. Okie? Go!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, follow me.

NICK: And they all take off after Tink who pauses, looks around in a way that he thinks looks reassuring, and then picks a direction seemingly at random heading towards the library.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You’re able to make your way there. You’ve pretty much disabled all the security by this point or it’s all aimed at all the other prisoners that are slowly tearing the prison down around themselves. You get to the outside of the library, and along the hallway there is indeed a utility closet of some kind. As you go close to it the door busts open and you see Sentinel in his prison jumpsuit roll his chair forward. Behind him there is still a slightly smooshed Rodian who has been balled up in the corner at this point, still unconscious but otherwise fine.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, I thought I sensed you coming. What’s the next part of the plan?

LILIT: Xianna gives a big wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): Hi Sentinel~ We are going to the library now.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is there something that we need to learn…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, just some light reading. No, there’s vents in there, come on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, there is this romance novel in the fiction section called The Serpent of Burning Desire and it is very interesting and I feel like it is worth a good read. Maybe not right now, actually, considering that we are escaping. But anyways, to answer your question, Sentinel, there is a very large vent in the library to control the temperature and humidity for the holocrons. I don’t know how that works. So let’s go.

CAMERON: Karma’s like herding people through the library doors while this conversation is happening. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. Karma’s very much doing teacher on kindergarten field trip style of crowd control.

CAMERON (as Karma): [putting on a teacher voice] Everybody put your finger up in front of your mouth, and raise your hand, and we’re being quiet. Xianna’s the line leader.

NICK: [laughs] Blue does that and her hand touches the ceiling.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna takes out the makeshift tool that she made for the bolts and starts undoing them on the vent.

HUDSON: I run over to the group coming from one of the bookshelf areas with a book.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, y’all, if I check this out do you think they have like a remote drop off, like I can send it through the mail to bring it back?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t need to return that.

NICK (as Ziller): Brother, we’re escaping prison, take whatever you want.

NICK: As Ziller grabs books off the shelves. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a prison. Like, steal the book. That is called praxis.

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s only one title I was really looking after, and they actually have it, Alderaan Shrugged.

NICK: Agh fuck!


[pained laughter]

NICK (as Ziller): I’ve always thought that the economic theories in there were oversimplified and rather inhumane to populations, but you do you, brother.

NICK: Xianna, you’re able to pop this vent open very easily. You’ve made this tool that you’ve prepared. It’s basically like using a screwdriver on a screw. It doesn’t take a lot of skill. The hard part was making the tool in the first place that could grip these bolts. You’re able to quickly remove the panel. Do you disable the security camera before the rest of the crew goes through?

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna would remember that the security camera needs to either be disabled or moved in a way that everybody can’t be seen on it.

NICK: Yeah, and you’re very easily able to slide that around so that nobody will be seen on where you’re going. Do you try to close the vent behind you or just leave the grating off?

LILIT: If it’s not super difficult Xianna would close the grate and put the screws back if possible, or put the grate back and then take the screws so that it’s not super obvious right away.

NICK: If you put the grate back and take the screws it’ll sit mostly flush, unless the air changes direction there’s a chance it’ll fall, screwing it back in so that there’s  no evidence would require a check. That would be pretty difficult to do, like screwing backwards.

LILIT: Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: Yeah, that’d be a Skulduggery.

LILIT: I’m gonna do that check then.

NICK: Okay. It is hard with a black die because you’re using impromptu tools, and flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

LILIT: And because I have Convincing Demeanor I can remove a black die on Deception or Skulduggery checks.

NICK: Nice!

LILIT: So I’m doing that.

CAMERON: She’s gonna convince these bolts that they want to go back into the vent.

NICK: They are very stubborn.

LILIT: Could I have a blue die for the fact that I have examined this grate quite a bit in the past?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I don’t really know if I needed that, but…

CAMERON: [laughs] May as well take it.

LILIT: I argued for it anyways. Okay, two successes and one advantage.

NICK: Great. You’re able to not only replace these screws, you do it without scratching them so that there’s really zero evidence of it, and you do it quietly and quickly. It involves you having to use a string to maneuver the screwdriver through the vent. It’s very confusing to look at and doesn’t make a lot of sense unless you’re you, but dang did it work. Good job. You’re able to bolt it in behind you, and there’s no evidence of your passing.

LILIT: Xianna slips the tools back into her little jumpsuit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I will lead the way through the air vents.

NICK: Great. You begin to head your way through the air vents, and since you’re leading the way, Xianna, I need either a Perception or a Survival check from you to figure out what is the best direction to go to try and escape.

LILIT: I will take Perception then. What was the difficulty on that check?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard.

LILIT: Okay. That is three successes.

NICK: Awesome. So, Xianna takes the lead. These air vents are very wide as they’re the main vents that feed the entire prison, and you start to head down, and as you head down you actually hear the sounds of ships. The vents leading out of the central air circulation are spotlessly clean. The air rushes around your heads in a way that makes it difficult to hear. Tink’s fur blows dramatically in the breeze.

You’re able to continue through the vents for some time and can tell that you’ve made your way out of the central part of the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. As you continue downward you begin to hear ships, and you take a quick left, and another right, and you drop down a few feet. The entire crew is moving well together. Tink is doing well despite his burns. You come to an intersection of two wide vents and are forced to stop to reassess.

LILIT: Xianna stops and turns around to the rest of the group with a very serious look on her face.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Everyone. I have a very, very important question to ask before we keep going. Okie?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, brother.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody in this group have an extra toothbrush that I can have? Not necessarily that is on you now, just when we get out and get back to the ship. I need an extra toothbrush to have, not just to borrow.

NICK: Tadzi shoulders their way through the group and stands next to you and puts a hand on your shoulder, Xianna.

NICK (as Tadzi): Is now the right time to be worried about your dental hygiene?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it is not my dental hygiene I am worried about, because I have my own toothbrush, but if I am going to make up with Nolaa and not have a terrible breakup I need to apologize and put a toothbrush on her ship. But I only have the one toothbrush, and I know I will not remember to take it with me every time. [sounding a little upset] I won’t do that, I know I won’t, so I have to get a second toothbrush. I just thought I would ask before I forgot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Xianna, I have some on our ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a whole case of, like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Where?!

CAMERON (as Karma): …things that I’ve taken from hotels.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): In the guest refresher.

LILIT (as Xianna): The guest refresher?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have one of those?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): I always just use mine, or if I plan on making a big mess, like if I am going to do a bunch of face paint stuff or anything like that I just go into Sabos’s, because like he’s dead, he’s not using it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s why that room’s a wreck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is where I just throw stuff I don’t need anymore. Also, it was already very disgusting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it wasn’t very clean.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true.

NICK (as Sentinel): Is this entirely pertinent to our escape at this time?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because once we escape I then have to decide if I don’t do anything to save my relationship, and so I need to have a toothbrush, because maybe Nolaa is the first person I should see after I escape from prison. And also, I am like 75% sure that she has Creamsicle with her, so if I want to get my pet loth-rat back I have to go see my kind of girlfriend kind of ex-girlfriend. I don’t really know exactly where we ended on it, but I should make up at that point.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sentinel, this is a touching moment. You can just shut up.

NICK (as Sentinel): Whoa! Okay… I do owe you all quite a bit of debt having helped me to escape, so… you have your moment.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re welcome.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am just trying to be a better person, Sentinel! And you are just being so mean right now! I messed up my relationship and I’m trying to learn from it, and grow, and acknowledge my mistakes, and do better.

CAMERON (as Karma): You really can’t just step over people’s character growth like that, Sentinel.

NICK (as Blue): Aww… Yeah, that’s really sweet.

NICK: Tadzi reaches into their jumpsuit and pulls out a toothbrush that’s been sharpened into a shiv.

NICK (as Tadzi): This one may do you some good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, that is perfect! Thank you. Should I also get her flowers…?

NICK (as Tadzi): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like an edible arrangement or something?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, absolutely, probably both.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that a correct…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. I just didn’t know if that was correct for the situation.

NICK (as Tadzi): Also, having grabbed this shiv, I just remember. Tink, where the hell is my spoon shiv you owe me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh, oh!

HUDSON: I quickly pull it out of my fur.

NICK: And you hand it over, and you all are able to move on, and you find quickly, as Xianna leads you onward, another vent that looks out over a loading area that has a cargo speeder in it and there’s a few guards scattered around.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well y’all, what an e-vent-ful evening.

CAMERON (as Karma): [groans weakly]

NICK (as Tadzi): Just because you gave me a sharpened spoon doesn’t mean I won’t stab you anyway.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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