Month: April 2021

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 19:
CRITical Decisions

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We have a new patron this week. Joran Winge, thank you so much for your support of the show. Tink has been talking about the effectiveness of riding people’s shoulders into battle again, and for the sake of everyone I’d really appreciate if you talked him out of it. He’s in the cargo bay… riding HK’s shoulders.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 19! … Apparently. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful! Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I hopefully won’t be playing myself too hard, but today I’ll actually be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Fantastic. Yeah, don’t play yourself.

HUDSON: Don’t play ya’self.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Don’t play with yourself. [laughs]

HUDSON: I will not do that either.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Also don’t do that during recording.

LILIT: Leave room for Sabos, okay?

HUDSON: Leave room for Sabos.


NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get into the recap, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: Two light side.


NICK: Nice!

[groovy western style music begins]

When we last left off you all had landed on Ithor, found a new friend named Meelo Smee, also found a brand new party member in Little Tink the action figure. You had set up an ambush for a molsoom that had apparently taken over the greenhouse where the Oracle had been living, and you decided that the only way to get into the greenhouse and investigate would be to fight this molsoom and remove it as a threat so that you could go and try to find the Stone Breaker, which is the Force-sensitive item that you were here to collect in the first place at the behest of Sentinel. That’s where we’re going to kick it off.

We open on an empty field of rubble. There are small stands of trees around the perimeter. Some larger piles of rubble and some low twisted metal that makes for good cover is scattered as well. A horrible clicking roar pierces the quiet jungle air of Ithor as the most dangerous predator on the planet crashes through an opening of the ruined greenhouse. What was once a peaceful seat of wisdom for the Ithorians and their Oracle is now a den of broken glass and shattered trees. Charging out of this den is the molsoom, your quarry.

Karma, you’re in cover at the edge of the clearing. As this monster begins to come into view, what does it look like as you get ready for this fight?

CAMERON: Karma is doing the typical action hero prepping for an ambush thing of standing with her back against the tree on the opposite side from where the molsoom is coming from, just holding her carbine, just up, so that she can dramatically swing around whenever it actually comes out of the greenhouse.

NICK: Cool. Xianna, you’re in a tree.

LILIT: I am indeed.

NICK: Heh. You’re slightly into this open space. You climbed up a tree after firing your blaster into the greenhouse to anger the molsoom. How are you preparing?

LILIT: Well Nick… I have a gun.


NICK: Great.

LILIT: And I’m in a tree. Xianna is perched up at least a few meters up into the tree, in like the crook of a few branches, has her blaster out in one hand and is definitely holding a grenade in the other.

NICK: Ready to go. Tink, you’re crouched behind a piece of rubble. You’re much nearer to the greenhouse entrance. How do you react as this giant monster charges out?

HUDSON: I look up over the rubble and see the monster coming out, and I clutch Little Tink close to my vibro axe that is clutched close to my chest, and I look, and I find a shinier taller piece of shrapnel about five yards away that provides better cover.

NICK: You action roll to a newer, larger piece of shrapnel to hide behind. As you prepare your ambush, the molsoom exits the greenhouse, and as this creature climbs out of the greenhouse and into your ambush HK also takes aim from on top of his rock where he is positioned.

[western music, having grown more fast-paced, ends]

You can see it has long thick claws that pierce the ground and shatter duracrete and durasteel underneath them. This creature is bigger than a bantha. It’s much larger than you expected it to be even with Meelo’s warning. Really, the only way to describe it is it looks like a centipede and a dragon got together to make a surrealist self-portrait. You can see it’s got large fangs and an iridescent pelt that catches the light and shimmers like rainbows on a long and muscled body. It is a weird scary bug dragon that looks like it could really tear somebody apart, and it’s ready to fight. Someone shot into its house and woke it up. It is looking around frantically, and I need you all to roll initiative.

LILIT: I got one success and three advantages.

HUDSON: I got nothing.

NICK: What?!

LILIT: Blank?

HUDSON: I rolled two greens…

CAMERON: And they’re both blank?

HUDSON: [laughing] …and got blanks on both of them.


HUDSON: [laughing] I don’t have any in Cool, but I have 2 in Presence.

NICK: Okay, zero. Karma, what did you get?

CAMERON: I have a success, a triumph, and an advantage.

NICK: Okay. If you could roll two greens for HK please.


NICK: He is not very cool.

CAMERON: Don’t say mean things like that. Three successes.

NICK: See Tink, that’s how you roll two greens.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Cameron, if you could roll me two yellows and two greens please.

CAMERON: Six advantages!

NICK: And if you could do it one more time for me please.

CAMERON: Three successes, four advantages.

NICK: Interesting. Okay. So the order we are going to have is monster, three friends, monster, additional friend.


NICK: So the molsoom kicks off first. It’s going to use some of those advantages to get some blue dice on a Perception check to see if it can find anyone nearby as it whips around much faster than you’re expecting it to be able to for its size, and that’s gonna be a yellow and two green versus—Tink, what’s your Stealth?

HUDSON: Three, and my Agility is 3.

NICK: So versus three red, but he is going to have two blue dice.

CAMERON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Okay. This thing is whipping around, smelling at the air, trying to figure out where its attacker is, and it can’t manage to find anything, so now it’s standing in the open right where you wanted it to. Your ambush is as successful as it could possibly be. And it’s a PC slot. What do you do?

HUDSON: I hold up Little Tink and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, Little Tink, where’s its weak spot?

HUDSON: And Little Tink says:

[gentle mystical music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh man, hold on. Let me just tune into its imagination. I think if you just… if we just… you just think about it, what they’re thinking… Their weak spot is the underbelly and only the top part of their neck.” Hmm, what am I gonna do with that?

[mystical music ends]

NICK: Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, roll me a Xenology check, would you?


CAMERON: What is Little Tink’s Xenology stats?

NICK: No, no, no. We’re diving deep into Tink’s subconscious.


HUDSON: Two successes and two threats.

NICK: One of those facts is true.

HUDSON: [laughs] I don’t know this though, right?

NICK: You’re the one talking to yourself with an action figure.

CAMERON: Do you trust yourself?

NICK: Yeah. Do you trust Little Tink?

HUDSON: Yeah. I think they’re both true.

NICK: Okay, then yeah.

HUDSON: I yell out to everyone.

HUDSON (as Tink): The weakness is in the upper part of the neck and the underbelly! Someone do a distraction then me and little guy will do something.

NICK: So it’s still a PC slot. I’m not gonna say that cost a slot to identify a weak point by talking to yourself.


NICK: So if someone wants to attack they can.

LILIT: Xianna is going to take the grenade and throw it at said molsoom.

NICK: So you’re throwing a grenade. We’ll say you’re at medium range.

LILIT: Can I aim? I’m aiming.

NICK: [exhales]


LILIT: [gasps] Ah-ha~ I have a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Do you want to use that triumph to crit or to activate Blast?

LILIT: Let’s use it for a crit.

NICK: Okie-dokie, so we’ll need to roll a d100. We’ll just do the biological crit chart not the ship chart.

CAMERON: Okay, good.

HUDSON: It’s not a ship, is it?

CAMERON: [laughs] The molsoom’s engine breaks down.

LILIT: The base damage for a grenade is 8.

NICK: Eight base damage. That’ll be 12 damage coming at it, which is a solid hit. What did we roll on that crit?

CAMERON: Seventy-three.

NICK: Which is?

LILIT: Seventy-three is Hamstrung: Lose free maneuver until end of encounter.


HUDSON: It can’t move?

NICK: It can, it’s just gonna cost it strain to do it which is not good for it being a melee monster combatant. So, this grenade goes off. What part of the molsoom are you aiming for?

LILIT: I think in Xianna’s logic Xianna would be aiming towards the butt.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Not for any butt-related reasons, but in Xianna’s mind maybe if the explosion goes off near the butt the molsoom will run away.

[electric guitar led metal music begins]

NICK: The grenade bounces right off one of the haunches and then explodes very close. This was a very, very accurate throw of yours. It puts a large burn into the back of its leg, and you can see that it’s really upset, and it seems a little slower, but overall it’s still moving. So it took this grenade and doesn’t even look super injured. Like, you definitely hurt it, it didn’t shrug it off, but it’s still very much ready for a fight, and it continues to look around frantically to find something to attack, because the grenade went off on its butt so it’s not tracing that trajectory particularly well. We have another PC slot.

HUDSON: I start to grab my vibro-axe and Little Tink says:

HUDSON (as Tink): “No, no, no. What are you doing?” I’m about to go melee this boy over here. “You don’t wanna do that. You wanna stare at its underbelly and light fires of flames in your eyes and they’ll transfer. They’ll transfer through the air and they’ll hit the underside.”

[metal music ends]

I’ve never done that before. Um… Medically—I am a doctor, I forgot to mention that to you. Medically, that doesn’t line up with how normal Gigoran bodies work. “Oh no, you can do it, Tink. I believe in you.”

HUDSON: So I stare really hard at the underbelly and really try to focus on thinking about fire, and nothing really happens.


HUDSON: [laughs] Wait, actually. Wait. Can I roll for—



HUDSON: Okay, so nothing happens.

HUDSON (as Tink): Little Tink, I don’t think this is working. I’m just gonna go swing at it. “Alright, suit yourself.”

HUDSON: So I grab my vibro-axe, I put Little Tink in my pocket? And run towards the monster.

NICK: Well you have pouches and stuff.

HUDSON: Oh, good, okay. Is it at a height where I could jump up and get its upper neck with my vibro-axe, or is that too tall?

NICK: It’s upper neck, you would probably have to climb it or jump off of something, but you could hit it from underneath or hit its legs or even its face, but hitting the top of its neck is gonna be really hard. This thing is bigger than an elephant.

HUDSON: Okay. I go for its underbelly and try to do a ‘hiyah’ slice and chop.

NICK: Alright. Make me an attack roll. Tink, this will have a black die, because this does have 1 in Melee Defense, and it is an Adversary 1, so one of your purple dice is upgraded to a red die, so it’ll be one purple, one red and one black.

HUDSON: Two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Nice. So… is that enough to crit?

HUDSON: My axe has Monomolecular Edge as Crit 1.

LILIT: Oh my god.

NICK: Oh… What?!

HUDSON: Wait. Okay, hold on. I just have been not using that for a long time.

LILIT: Have you just never been using that, Hudson?


HUDSON: Yes. A long time I have not used that.


LILIT: That means every single advantage you get is… you could have crit. Every time you had an advantage you could have been critting.

HUDSON: [exasperated and embarrassed wail into his hands]

NICK: Okay, so if it’s Crit 1, this is going to do 10 damage base with your Brawn and the damage your axe does, and because your axe is Crit 1 and you got three advantages you can crit +30 if you want.

HUDSON: I would like to do that.

NICK: Okay, so we need to roll another crit.

CAMERON: This one is a 39, plus 30…

NICK: Which is?

LILIT & HUDSON: [gasps]

CAMERON: Sixty-nine.

LILIT: Sixty-nine!

HUDSON: Sixty-nine. Nice!

NICK: Nice!

LILIT: Nice!

[air horn stinger]

LILIT: Super noice, 69 is Scattered Senses: Gains no boost die until end of encounter.

NICK: Okay, so it won’t be aiming I suppose. So, you hit this thing almost as hard as a grenade. What’s interesting is that you are able to gash this thing’s underbelly open a lot more than the armored outside under the fur would lead you to believe, so it seems like you were right, the underbelly is actually a weak point.

HUDSON: No, I wasn’t right, Little Tink was.

NICK: There is a horrible ear-shattering roar as you draw blood from this creature, and are standing right next to it, and we have one more PC slot.

CAMERON: karma’s gonna pop out from behind her tree and shoot it in the face.

NICK: Okay. Did you set up at medium or long range?

CAMERON: Medium.

NICK: Okay, so you’re pretty close.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m just behind a tree.

NICK: Okie-dokie.

CAMERON: Can I get a blue die because it hasn’t actually gone this encounter?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Because it didn’t, like, hit anybody.

NICK: Yeah, it hasn’t attacked.

CAMERON: It hasn’t attacked. Okay. Then I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: Three successes, five advantages.

NICK: Wow. SO how much damage is that?

CAMERON: Sixteen.

NICK: So you’re able to hit it pretty hard.

CAMERON: And uh… I do crit.

NICK: Are you gonna crit? Yeah. Is yours Crit 3 or Crit 2?

CAMERON: Crit 3.

NICK: Okay, so you don’t get additional, but it is +20 because it’s already been crit on twice.

CAMERON: Oh, Nicholas…


CAMERON: I also add +40 to that +20, because I have 4 ranks of Lethal Blows.


LILIT: Ha-ha-ha~!



NICK: Okay!

CAMERON: So I’m adding 60 to this roll.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So roll a 9.


CAMERON: I will try. A 50, plus 60. [laughs]

LILIT: One-ten is Horrific Injury: Minus 1 penalty to random characteristic until injury is healed. Does someone want to roll a 1d10 for that random characteristic?


HUDSON: I really want it to be emotional stability or…


CAMERON: [laughs] Its Presence is just gone. That is a 10.

LILIT: A 10 is Willpower, so…


NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I was right! Kinda.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Well, it was going to shoot Force Lightning at you, but now it doesn’t have the base stats to really pull that off.


LILIT: Hey, now it has no Vigilance.

NICK: Yeah. [chuckles] So, describe this shot that lowers its Willpower, hurts it very badly. It still seems pretty functional, it’s just you are very rapidly picking it apart with this ambush before it can really get its legs underneath it.

CAMERON: Karma steps out, pivots around the tree, head tails do a really dramatic swoosh, pops the carbine up and then just nails it right in the center of the forehead with a blaster shot, then swooshes back behind the tree.

NICK: Some of its iridescent fur chars away, and you can see it flinch and step backwards, and it steps on the leg that’s been injured by the grenade, and it’s mad. It lets out another roar, and you can see its chittering mandibles and fangs pull back and there’s some sort of dripping venom between them. It’s looking around for something to attack, and it looks down, and it sees Tink having just run out from underneath it, and the molsoom leaps to attack. It’s going to be rolling three yellow and two green against average. Do you have any Defense?

HUDSON: I do not.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: So that’s 8 damage coming at you, Tink.

HUDSON: Owies.

NICK: Yeah. On top of that, I need you to make a hard Resilience check for me.

HUDSON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: So, this creature, almost as a full 180 it whips around so quickly to where you’re standing after your attack, it plants these fangs into your shoulder and you can feel your blood begin to burn as you are hit with some sort of toxic venom. You lose 4 strain, and you are now poisoned.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh… I feel funny, everyone!

NICK: And it’s a PC slot, so I guess HK will go. HK, from his position on this rock, he has been aiming this entire time. HK takes careful aim and he rolls to shoot. It’s two yellows and two green, but also flip a light side point to add his Agility to the damage. It is going to be average.

CAMERON: A success, a triumph, and one advantage.

NICK: Okay, so he’s gonna crit as well. With the success that’s 11, plus an additional 4, so that’s 15 damage coming at it. So it’ll be +30 for the previous critical hits and he has 2 points in Lethal Blows, so it’ll be +20 more.

CAMERON: A 48! Plus 50, 98.

LILIT: A 98 is the one we have renamed Harmed: One limb is impaired until healed/replaced, plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: HK hones in on where the grenade went off on this thing’s rear, and it shoots down through its hip, and you can see that the leg can’t hold weight anymore, so this thing is now attacking with just three legs and seems very slowed down and like it’s not going to be able to attack as fast. But, it does roar and spin around, and it still can’t find any of the people who are hiding on the edge of this clearing, and its eyes are clouded with rage at this point, so as it looks around to find what just attacked it its eyes fall on Tink again and it goes to attack Tink. It’s gonna be three yellow and two green against average difficulty against Tink again, except it’s gonna be against hard difficulty because he has been hurt very badly.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: So that’s 7 additional damage coming at you, Tink, minus your Soak.

HUDSON: Ouch. Yep.

NICK: And you lose an additional 4 strain as you feel more of this venom continue. With your medical knowledge, you would think that falling unconscious due to venom from a giant predatory creature is probably bad.

[quirky upbeat music begins]

HUDSON: So with my medical knowledge, but also a combination of that and being a bit woozy, I actually turn my head to the side and try to suck the venom out of my own body thinking that I can extract it from my body and it won’t go back into my body. I’ll either spit it out or it will go away somehow. I didn’t get that far in the plan.

NICK: Would you like to spend a PC slot to do a Medicine check to try to negate the venom?

HUDSON: Yeah, that’d be great.

NICK: Okay, go ahead. This is gonna be hard difficulty. Do you maybe wanna flip a light side point to make this more likely to be successful?

HUDSON: Nope! Nah.

NICK: [grinning] No? Okay.

HUDSON: Two failures and an advantage, though.


NICK: So, you didn’t get threats so the poison doesn’t get worse. You do just what you described. You try to suck the poison out of your own shoulder and you discover two things. It’s very hard to put your mouth on your shoulder, and also, even if you could the poison has been pumping through your bloodstream for about three initiative slots at this point, so that ship has kind of sailed. Little Tink looks up at you with a new life in his eyes and he says “maybe you should’ve tried to negate the poison rather than just remove the poison.”

HUDSON: I look up at Little Tink and he’s kinda blurry and going in and out of vision because of the poison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why don’t you just grow big and grow your wings and fly and fight a beast yourself?

NICK: “Alright, maybe I will.” And we’re onto another PC slot. This giant monster is still rampaging around screaming and being very dangerous.

[quirky music ends]

LILIT: Technically I do have more grenades. Xianna will go next, and Xianna aims while thinking:

LILIT (as Xianna): Did Tink get into the glitterstim or something?

LILIT: Well I got one success and one advantage.

NICK: Alright.

LILIT: So that is 8 damage, and it is Pierce 2.

NICK: So the Pierce 2 is very important, because a big part of why this creature is dangerous is it can soak a bunch of damage. So you shoot it and it stumbles backwards and you actually make it rear up on its hind legs and it reveals its softer underbelly, so the advantages will be that whoever attacks it next will have a blue die and also will get to hit it in the underbelly where it is weaker. We are to another PC slot.

CAMERON: Can I shoot it in the tummy?

NICK: You may absolutely shoot it in the tummy.

CAMERON: Thank you.

NICK: You pop back out of cover?

CAMERON: Pop back out of cover, aim, shoot it in the tummy. Whoa… two successes, five advantages.

NICK: Two successes, five advantages.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So how much damage is that?

CAMERON: Fifteen.

NICK: Okay. You hit it very hard, and I’m assuming you’re going to crit on it.

CAMERON: Uh-huh.

NICK: Okay, so it’s +40 for the amount of crits it’s gotten so far.

CAMERON: Plus another 40 for me~

NICK: Okay, so it’s +80?

CAMERON: [chuckles] Yes. An 87, +80.


HUDSON: One-sixty-seven.

CAMERON: [laughs] The crit chart doesn’t go that high.

LILIT: So 151 and above… Dead.


LILIT: No further elaboration on that one. It just says “Dead.”

NICK: Okay! It wasn’t doing well anyway, but I guess you hit it somewhere very important. So how do you kill this thing with a 167 on a crit?

[drum led metal music begins]

CAMERON: I shoot it in its tummy.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Probably along one of the gash lines that Tink had made with his axe so it goes even farther into the tummy and it just hurts really, really bad, and then he dies.

NICK: Yep, and then this molsoom, this massive example of predatory grace, dies before it hits the ground.

[metal music ends]

You very efficiently end its life and it collapses with no sound, and you can tell from where you are it is completely done. You have slayed the beast. Congratulations. Tink, take another 4 strain damage as the poison continues to course through your system.

HUDSON: I’m now at -2 strain. [laughs]

NICK: Alright! Tink collapses to the ground unconscious. Well, swimming in and out of consciousness. You can tell that whatever he got hit with he is not doing well, and it’s not just the severity of his injuries. You’ve seen him shrug off worse than what he got from the physical wound, but Tink is on the ground. HK stands up from where he was lying on his rock and says…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man has perished.

NICK: …and starts to slowly climb his way back down the rock. He doesn’t look particularly hurried.

LILIT: Xianna hops down out of the tree and then goes up to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): No Hank, I do not think he is dead. I think he is just, like, unconscious or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): “He’s taking a nap, a real hard nap.”

CAMERON: Karma trots over. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think he is whispering something under his breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): “No, no, it’s just Little Tink here.”

NICK: HK walks up next to Karma.

NICK (as HK): He appears to be under the effect of some sort of venom.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that venom’s bad news. It’s not fun.

HUDSON (as Tink): “I don’t go over and piss in your sand castles.”

LILIT: Xianna has leaned down and has gotten real close to Tink’s translator.

LILIT (as Xianna): He said something about castles. Does that mean anything to anyone?

HUDSON (as Tink): “I said…”

CAMERON (as Karma): I do remember it being slightly hallucinogenic, but it was a bad time, it wasn’t a fun trip.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did this not start before he got injured?

CAMERON (as Karma): Which part?

LILIT (as Xianna): The whole Little Tink thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, that started earlier.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): “$4.99 for the buffet. $4.99 for the buffet. Space Corral, all day.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I cannot understand him anymore. I think we should maybe get him immediate medical attention.

CAMERON: How do I wake Tink up? Does a stim pack heal strain?

NICK: Stim packs heal strain, yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I’mma stab Tink in the leg with a stim pack.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Wake me up inside~ I can’t wake up! Wake me up and—” SAVE ME~! [stammers and groans, confused and dazed]


NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you appear to have returned to the land of the living.

LILIT (as Xianna): He was never dead, HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was I dead?!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you were not. HK—

HUDSON (as Tink): How would you know?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I was here and I was listening to you talk, and dead people do not talk.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t talk.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes you were. You were saying something about castles, and I think a buffet.

HUDSON (as Tink): You sure that wasn’t Little Tink?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink, I thought you were straightedge, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? I am straightedge. I’m keeping the edge.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I am pretty sure you got into some glitterstim or something.

CAMERON: Karma walks over to Tink’s shoulder and takes out her emergency med kit and starts bandaging his shoulder.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, it appears that your edge has been dulled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no! How could this happen?! What’s next for me? “Murder! Drugs! Everything bad. Just get on a bike and go. Just ride off into the sunset and just destroy and pillage. Pillage!”

NICK (as HK): I’m beginning to feel that this action figure is a bad influence on the Boss Man.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

LILIT: Where is the action figure?

[intense dramatic music begins]

NICK: I’m assuming he’s holding it.

HUDSON: Yeah, I am. [chuckles]

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: He’s been like moving it as it talks. [laughs]


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Okay. Xianna takes the action figure out of Tink’s hand…

HUDSON (as Tink): What?! [stammers, flustered]

LILIT: …reaches into her pocket, grabs a grenade…

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: …smashes the two together, and then throws.


HUDSON (as Tink): Nooo~! “You can’t kill me! I AM god!”

NICK: [explosion sound] And little tiny bits of duraplast rain down around you as Little Tink meets his end at the end of a grenade.

[intense music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw man. Why did you do that?

LILIT: Xianna turns back around.

LILIT (as Xianna): There. We do not have to deal with the weird action figure anymore. It was a bad influence on Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it was that bad of an influence, and it was a fan favorite.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was it?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Tink, you have to stop with this whole thing that we have fans. We tried doing the blogging and it did not work, mostly because I kept changing my name every time and you did not want to be on the camera. It’s very difficult.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just don’t like that we named it OnlyXianna’fans.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is a very funny joke. It just did not work for many reasons.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Well, Little Tink, may you rest in peace and reign over all of us as you have told me you would before.

NICK: Little bits of plastic continue to tinkle down around you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay then. So, let’s go get the Stone Breaker and then, I don’t know, we should come back and collect the molsoom…

CAMERON (as Karma): [out of breath] Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and maybe sell it so it does not go to waste, because I don’t know, it feels kind of bad that we have just been trespassing on this planet and killed a big old animal. Seems not good, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): A lot of noise was made earlier, I think.

LILIT (as Xianna): Seems disrespectful is all I am saying, so maybe at the very least we should not let the animal go to waste.

NICK (as HK): That seems an appropriate assertion.

NICK: So you all continue into the greenhouse that was once the seat of authority of the Oracle of Ithor, and you can see things that spark your memories of the last time you were here on-planet. What is one reminder that you all see as you continue deeper into the jungle in search of the Stone Breaker?

HUDSON: I move a log over and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey look! This is where I etched in ‘Tink was here’ with a knife.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: As we’re walking through the greenhouse there’s part of the wall that Xianna and Sabos tagged to get arrested.


LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I did that.

NICK: It’s probably a little bittersweet considering the last time you were here this was a living breathing city and now it is just wreckage and rubble. You’re very easily able to make it to the molsoom’s den, because it tears big rifts in the trees around it as it charges around, and you find the skeleton of what must have been some sort of space adventurer or poacher because it’s wearing a vest and pants still and is holding a blaster, but the molsoom obviously got to it and dragged it back.

You can see bits and pieces of tracks and dropped equipment as what looks like a group of poachers was running away, and in their path is the case that you delivered the Rock Breaker in, and it’s been pried open and whatever was in it is now gone.

CAMERON: Is the blaster in good shape?



NICK: It’s got like vines in it and stuff. This happened a while ago.

CAMERON: Dang. Can we go a-lookin’?

NICK: Yep. You can absolutely make me a Survival or a Perception check to try and track where these other poachers went.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. What would the difficulty be on it?

NICK: Difficulty would be a hard Perception or an average Survival.

CAMERON: One success!

NICK: Awesome. Karma, you lead the way. The trail has been overgrown, this must have happened some months ago, but it’s still fairly obvious because it’s clear they were being pursued by the molsoom.

You find a couple of more skeletons in adventuring gear scattered through the jungle, like the molsoom left them where they were. You figure that these must have been people who came, like Meelo said, to be big game hunters and then they discovered things worth scavenging and sort of changed objectives, and then it didn’t work out for them very well.

You go deeper and deeper into the jungle until you find one last poacher leaning up against a tree, and you can see that it must have been bitten by the molsoom because there’s marks in the tree behind it where the fangs would have pierced all the way through, and it’s clutching to its chest something that looks like a tablet made of stone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey look.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Neat.

CAMERON: I pick it up.

LILIT: And Xianna starts going through the pockets of the person holding it.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Karma just lifts the tablet out while Xianna’s pocket searching.

NICK: You could find a deck of Sabacc cards. You could find some chance cubes. You could find a bunch of random objects from, items, get: a lemon, a bag of cotton balls, a package of crisp and crunchy edibles, and a rolling pin. A pair of earrings, a bandana and a pasta strainer!

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

NICK: A quartz crystal, a wedding ring, and a container of pudding.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] It’s a pudding cup!

LILIT: Oh, Xianna wants to find a wedding ring.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay. Oh, that’s great.

LILIT: Pack of Sabacc cards and a glow stick, like a rave style glow stick necklace.

NICK: Has it been popped yet or is it still…?


NICK: Okay. A somehow—in this person’s last moments—unpopped glow stick necklace. You’re patting through the pockets and you find a wedding ring that’s a simple gold band, otherwise unadorned, but you can tell it must have had some emotional value because it’s on a thin chain, and a pack of Sabacc cards that, to your practiced eye, look like they may have been marked in some way although you haven’t figured out exactly how yet. You also find a glow stick necklace, still in its packaging, and it looks like it has not yet been cracked to begin lighting yet.

As you pull that stuff out, Karma reaches over you and pulls the Stone Breaker tablet out from the skeletal hands clutching it. It almost doesn’t let go. There’s a brief moment where you have to kinda jiggle it to make the hands pop free.

LILIT (as Xianna): This was a good find. Very excited to use this glow stick necklace.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are you gonna use the ring for?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t know yet. I’ll keep it just in case I ever decide to, you know, propose to Nolaa.

HUDSON (as Tink): [mockingly] Settle down? Ha.

LILIT (as Xianna): To settle down or anything. Then I have it, you know, just in case.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Or I could put it on Creamsicle’s tail.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh~

LILIT (as Xianna): That would be cute and fun. Or I can always sell it to a pawn shop. There’s a number of possibilities with this, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m excited we found the Stone Breaker, which is what we were here for.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, that’s why we’re here, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is also cool. I am just glad that there was a poacher for me to steal from, because you can’t really steal from the rest of the herdship. That’s like weird, because it’s like cultural artifacts now, so you can’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): But a poacher, that’s free real estate.


HUDSON (as Tink): I think the Stone Breaker’s a dumb name. It needs to be something snazzier, hipper, something that’s today, you know, the kids can get into.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean like, if we’re ever gonna sell it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like Greg.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are we… I don’t think we’re ever gonna sell it. Sentinel has a plan for them I think.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We may sell them if Sentinel decides not to need it anymore, and I think Greg is our number one choice right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): What about Luke? It is a very popular name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Luke Stone Breaker…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, Luke.

HUDSON (as Tink): Luke…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Luke.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

NICK (as HK): I would disagree with naming it Luke. I have never met a good organic named Luke. They always whine a whole lot.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you say that about every organic.

NICK (as HK): This is true, but Lukes especially.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we won’t name it that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay wait, compromise. It’s still the Stone Breaker, but there’s a number 8 in the middle of Breaker.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so it is like a DJ. [gasps] It makes perfect sense because I got the glow stick necklace!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now the rest of you just have to go get glow stick necklaces and then we can take— [gasps] Oh! Because we are going to take Sentinel to a rave once this is all done!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): This is perfect. Tink, do you want us to order you a pair of the fuzzy rave boots or do you want us to just dye your feet a color?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d like both, but the boots need to be space boots that let me fly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if we can trust you with that.

NICK: And that’s going to be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 18 Little Tink

PDF download: S2 Episode 18 Little Tink

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 18:
Little Tink

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Before we get into the episode, I want to thank Ryan Pothering for their patron-created NPC this week. Thank you, Ryan, for giving us Meelo Shmee. He went in some very fun directions and was a blast to play with. If you want to introduce an NPC for us to play with, that’s at the Build-A-Beru level on our Patreon. Check it out.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 18, the dark night of the podcasting world! We’re not the podcast that you deserve, we’re the podcast that you need… and sometimes we punch clowns.

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

LILIT: Who gets to wear tight underwear and leggings? Who gets to say “fuck Batman”?

NICK: I currently am doing all of those at once.

CAMERON: Who is being forced to drink Fernet-Branca?

NICK: [smiling] Oh yeah! … We don’t have time to go into the Fernet-Branca story. [laughs] That needs so much background to make any kind of sense.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway, I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since last time let me know, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Dick Grayson and I will be playing Nightwing.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: No. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Have you spent any experience?

LILIT: Well, my XP box says nothing, so maybe.

NICK: Oh. That’s fair. Wonderful. Up next we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Ey! It’s Hudson here, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I have not spent any experience points. I am hoarding them with a capital H.

NICK: Last but  not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I am also hoarding experience.

NICK: Lovely. So, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson.

NICK: Hmm. Alright. So, the last time that we saw the crew of the Afternoon Delight you all went on an adventure to the library. You researched many things. You found some very good information on the best way to care for loth-rats. You researched some tabletop RPG item stats. You found some romance novels. Oh, and you did manage to look into the Broken Force, the series of Force-centric items that you’d need to potentially overthrow the emperor and that you were tasked by Sentinel to go and track down. Oh, and you figured out that the spider librarian was actually a spider spy and not a librarian and had shoved a librarian under a desk. Alright, so let’s jump into it.

We open on the planet of Ithor. It is a dark green ball dotted with small seas. You can see the remains of wreckage floating in orbit. It looks like the Empire didn’t bother with an entire cleanup of the disaster in orbit but instead took the main carcass of the super star destroyer for refurbishment and left.

Ithor sits forlornly in space. The sensors pick up several large herdships, floating cities that house a majority of the Ithorian population, hovering several kilometers above the dense jungle of the planet. But there is one section of the atmosphere that is more blank, nothing floats above the jungle here, and below you can see large swaths of destruction barely beginning to regrow: the location of the herdship that was shot down during your last visit, the place where the jungle burned under imperial bombardment.

We see the Afternoon Delight snap out of hyperspace directly over orbit of this planet, and you all get a view of this destruction.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the memories… That sounded way too happy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.


HUDSON (as Tink): Anyways. There are some memories here, and they’re not very good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m glad the blockade’s gone.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, where should we start?

LILIT (as Xianna): Probably in the wreckage of the herdship, or we could go to a different herdship and see if anybody knows the Oracle.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh, that’s an idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like, I don’t know what the Oracle did with it.

HUDSON (as Tink): In times like this, especially in the place we’re at, I think to myself… what would Sabos do?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… probably pull out a fake ID.

LILIT (as Xianna): Nothing good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let his head tails guide the way? That’s a good answer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I am not going to do that, and you do not have head tails, so… how do you want to proceed?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if I had head tails, which I don’t… I think they would tell me to look through the wreckage of the herdship for there lies the answers. Maybe.

CAMERON (as Karma): [wincing] Okay~


NICK: We see Karma guide the ship down into the atmosphere. We get a swipe to the ship landing in the jungle. You all may remember that the mother jungle of Ithor is considered a no-trespassing zone by the Ithorians. Anyone who touches foot on the jungle is no longer allowed to leave. Do you do anything specifically to sneak down to the surface or do you just fly straight in?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but look, if we wear stilts we are not technically touching the ground, okay?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is all I’m saying. I’m not saying we have to, I’m just saying it is a possibility.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m actually really good at the floor is lava game, so I think I could go tree to tree.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, does that count?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Going tree to tree, or are you not allowed to touch any of it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, we gotta get down there unnoticed. Go really, really fast.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Ooh, ooh, ooh! I know! Does anybody know some Mandalorians? We call them up and we get their little jetpacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, so we hover?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you don’t have to be a Mandalorian to use a jetpack. We can just buy them.

HUDSON (as Tink): But they have the cool ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. They probably know how to use them, because I don’t really know how to use a jetpack.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are they made of rothguard steel or whatever thing they have?

CAMERON (as Karma): Beskar?

HUDSON (as Tink): Beskar!

LILIT (as Xianna): B-Beskar…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Beskar, that’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think the jetpack is.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I don’t think they are.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Sorry, Roth Guard is actually a type of financial savings account. I just got it confused with beskar. I’m sorry.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I think you are thinking of Roth Guard IRAs.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s it. That’s absolutely it.

LILIT (as Xianna): What is an IRA?

NICK (as HK): I actually can’t remember. Boss Man, is it an IRA or a 401K, and what’s the difference?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would say that an IRA is different than a 401K IRA depending on what kind of savings account you have. A 401K generally means retirement and a Roth IRA has post-tax distributions. So you give money to the Roth IRA and basically you have to pay taxes once you take the money out during retirement or pay a penalty if you take the money out early.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I just realized that I am going to live forever and therefore do not need to care about a retirement account.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I don’t pay taxes, so I don’t think those apply to me.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right, that’s true. You have a tax-free account by technicality.


LILIT (as Xianna): None of them are under any legal name, so I don’t think those names ever pay taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True.

NICK: So how are y’all getting down to the planet? [laughs]

CAMERON: Can I see any of the herdships on the ship’s sensors? Like, how far away are they?

NICK: The herdships are far enough away that if you do some fancy flying they won’t necessarily pick you up. They’re spread fairly evenly around the planet with an eye for privacy and peace and distance between them so that each herdship functions independently, and there’s been a hole in that net of ships for a long time, because one of these has been destroyed and they haven’t replaced it. So, if you fly just right you think you can skip between their sensor bubbles and get down to the planet undetected.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hear me out. Skydiving. We jump out, Hank just continues to run the ship, we skydive out, land in the woods undetected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Really, I think we can just pilot the ship down to the planet in a stealthy way, because we have the sneaky paint coat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah… Alright.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm. We could just wait until it’s dark and then we fly down.

HUDSON (as Tink): One day we’ll get to skydive.

NICK (as HK): Actually though, Boss Man, I did enjoy the last time we infiltrated a planet by hurling ourselves precariously down to the surface. Let’s do that again. Are you sure that you do not want to skydive?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not this time, Hank.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed sigh.

NICK: So, whoever’s piloting, Karma I assume, I need you to make me a hard Piloting check to dodge the sensors, but you can have two blue dice because of your sneaky paint coat.

CAMERON: Our night shadow coating?

NICK: Yeah, that sounds a lot cooler than what I said.

CAMERON: [giggles] One success, two advantages.

NICK: Awesome. So, you are able to pick up on the sensors as you cut the ship in towards the surface, pretty much the range of the nearby herdships’ sensing field, and they overlap but not entirely, and you’re able to skip down between them and you are pretty sure no one knows that you’re here. As you are coming in to land, you find a clearing just outside of the destruction and you’re able to come in and land somewhere covered but with a flat enough piece of ground for you to set down safely.

Up close you can see that the jungle has begun to regrow. Patches of purple and green fungus are growing on the fallen trunks of dense trees and small mammals duck out of sight into the underbrush. You can see bits of building and wreckage still poking up from the site.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ready to go exploring?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, do you have the bug spray in your bag?

CAMERON (as Karma): Actually I think it’s in my refresher. One second.

CAMERON: Karma leaves. Karma comes back with a big mom bag full of all sorts of necessary adventuring equipment, but mostly bug spray.

LILIT: Xianna reaches into one of her pockets, pulls out Creamsicle and holds her out while covering her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON: Karma tilts her head.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I was thinking for—Okay, never mind.

CAMERON: And just sprays down Creamsicle who is now safe from bugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: Yep, Creamsicle is entirely protected from bugs now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have not gotten Creamsicle all of her vaccines yet, so I should protect her with some bug spray just in case.

CAMERON (as Karma): With the number of planets we’ve been going to, that’s probably a very good idea.

NICK: So, do you head out into the jungle?


NICK: As you step down off of the ship you can see that this large swath of jungle has been mostly destroyed, and is starting to regrow, but you can see for a lot further in the direction of where the herdship came down than in the direction, say, deeper into the jungle. There’s a lot of debris and things scattered around. You can see bits of buildings still sticking up. What are you all looking for? This is essentially an exploded city, so how do you wanna try to track this stuff down?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Tink, you have your little data pad scanner thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I was just thinking that. It detects other scanners.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, the other one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think it would detect a Force signature? Karma, you read the book that had all the important information in it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that they’ll pick it up.

CAMERON: I’m kinda picturing that the herdship fell in a way that large cruise liners do when they sink where they kind of come down intact. Obviously when it hit ground that didn’t continue, but the general outline of the city location-wise would still be fairly similar within the wreckage. Would that be accurate, Nicholas?

NICK: It’s spread out, so like the general outline is about the same, but it’s bigger than the herdship was. Like, it broke apart on the way down but still landed in the general outline, so think more like a chocolate crinkle cookie more than a chocolate chip cookie.


NICK: Cracked and pieced together puzzle kind of situation.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank, can you access a map of the city before it was ruined?

NICK (as HK): Sure. … Let me go find one.

NICK: HK walks back up into the ship and comes back down a few minutes later.

NICK (as HK): Map downloaded. Great idea. Now I know where I’m going.

LILIT (as Xianna): Should we maybe check the places that we knew the Oracle hung out in?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. There was like that center gardeny-type place where we first met them.

NICK: Can I get Perception checks from everybody, please?

CAMERON: Okay… What difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Nothing.

NICK: Ohh.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with no success and a threat.

LILIT: I have two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Wonderful. So Karma, you are very engaged in the conversation that the group is having about where you would wanna start looking for this artifact. Xianna, you notice that there is someone hiding in the bushes nearby. Looks to be a Sullustan with a brown and yellow flight suit, so it blends into the trees, kind of. The Sullustans are the ones that have duck bills for cheeks on either side. There’s a Sullustan that helps pilot the Millennium Falcon when Lando flies it.

LILIT: Nien Nunb.

NICK: Yeah! Nien Nunb’s the best. I’m sure that this Sullustan is also cool. You can see that there is someone in the underbrush holding a blaster, but it doesn’t appear to be pointed at you. Tink, you don’t see that, but something good happens. What would you like for your random luck to result in?

LILIT: Give us the high ground.


HUDSON: We have the high ground.

NICK: You have the high ground. Okay. You’re on a slight rise, so this person hiding in the bushes is at a disadvantage if they decide they want to shoot you.

LILIT: Xianna looks down to where this person is and just gives a big wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, ello! Ello person in the bushes!

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then awkwardly you see this Sullustan stand up and you get a little bit better look at them. He waves kind of awkwardly at you all, and looks down and sees that he’s holding his blaster and holsters that and kinda holds his hands up.

NICK (as Meelo): Um… permission to come aboard?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are not on a ship, so…

NICK (as Meelo): Well you’re right next to a ship. Can I come up the hill that you’re standing on? I don’t really want to shout through the woods. You never know when something might hear.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure?

NICK: So, he trudges his way up the hill. It takes a long time. It gets a little awkward how long it takes, because there’s a lot of undergrowth and he gets his flight suit hooked on bushes and stuff a couple of times. You see that this Sullustan is a little overweight, is average height, is wearing a brown and yellow flight suit that’s been torn and patched over and over again. It looks like it’s sewed together with vegetable thread. The repairs have been done unprofessionally. He’s wearing dark goggles to protect his eyes, because you know that Sullustans don’t like direct sunlight, and he has birthmarks on both of his cheek flaps that make it look like he has two mustaches, so he has like dark lines on them. He seems pretty friendly as he walks up.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I haven’t seen anyone who didn’t shoot first in quite a while. My name’s Meelo Smee. Nice to meet you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good to meet you. Do you mean us harm?

NICK (as Meelo): No. Quite the opposite, actually. I would love to help you in exchange for getting the hell off this rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. What skills do you have? Do you have a resume, CV maybe?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well we are not taking him on as a full-time gig.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but this is an important part of our mission.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well…

NICK (as Meelo): So I’ll admit, when the entire city I was on crashed down around me amidst turbo laser fire and destruction, I did not manage to keep all of my important documents. Sorry about that. My name’s Meelo. I am a pilot. I am a pretty good one. You don’t look like you need one, and honestly I’m not asking for full-time crewship here, just… my ship’s a little blown up and I don’t wanna be here anymore, and I can’t ask the Ithorians because I’ve set foot on their jungle so they don’t want me to leave if they figure out I’m here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, weird rules those Ithorians have.

NICK (as Meelo): Eh, it’s not that weird. Their whole existence is based around the jungle, so they care about it a lot. A lot of planets that just let people come down to the surface willy-nilly get really messed up, so I understand them being protective. It’s just very inconvenient for me. I’ve been here… oh my gosh, almost a year now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wow.

CAMERON: Karma had been doing math in her head trying to figure out exactly how long it had been since the herdship had gone down.

NICK: Almost a year.


NICK (as Meelo): But hey, I know that this looks like a really dandy vacation spot, and…

CAMERON (as Karma): Does it?

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I was being mildly sarcastic, because there’s actually several dangerous creatures around. Why don’t you come back to my hideout and we can talk a little more somewhere safe?

CAMERON (as Karma): Works for me.

CAMERON: Karma hits a button on the ship clicker and the door closes and it goes (boop-bwoop).

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, locking the ship, smart move. That’ll keep anybody from stealing it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, that is the goal.

NICK: So, do you follow this stranger back to their quote-unquote “hideout?”


LILIT: Sure…

CAMERON: Yes, but Karma has her hands on her carbine and is carrying it in front of her.

NICK: Okay. You can tell that Meelo is extremely excited to be talking, and even though he says it would be best to get out of the open he’s talking a lot and very excitedly, not about anything important, about the weather and whatever he’s found to eat recently and how he’s been surviving which is mostly by scavenging. He leads around the perimeter of the herdship and you find broken off and a little separated from a lot of the destruction is one of those landing pads that you all used your first time visiting, and there’s a ship broken on top of it, and you can just make out the paint that says Crate Dragon on the side of the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Well… home sweet home. This is where I’ve been hiding from all of the scary predators and scary people who come down here. Why don’t you come inside? Maybe we can work something out. I’m sure you came here for a reason, and maybe I can help you with that in exchange for getting the heck out of here.

HUDSON (as Tink): I like your ship name. Your ship is janked, though. I’m sorry, it’s just kind of messed up. I think it was due to the destruction from a year ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like that is implied. This whole situation is that the ship went boom with everything else.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s why Meelo’s wanting a ride with us, as there are no operational ships down here at this point.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. Turns out ships are really good at flying, not so good at falling, and it was quite a fall. The good news was I was in the ship and it protected me, I didn’t die, but I did spend the first couple of months trying to fix it. Unfortunately, like your big hairy friend there said, pretty jank at this point.

HUDSON: I walk up onto the ship.

NICK: Cool. So, as you walk into the ship Meelo scurries after you, and on the inside you can see that the ship itself used to be a medium size freighter that was just kind of boxy shaped, not particularly fast but lots of storage, and almost the entire thing is just a hollowed out cargo bay and you see boxes and boxes and boxes. The name that you saw on the side of the ship, Crate Dragon, is spelled C-R-A-T-E.

Inside there’s just tons and tons of boxes and they’ve been stacked to make places to sit, and you can see blankets tossed over a series of boxes in a bed, and some of them are open, and there’s lots of little bits and bobs and tchotchkes and things that look like they’ve been salvaged from the wreckage and that are hanging up there. Kind of picture WALL-E’s little hangout from, uh…

HUDSON: WALL-E? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] From WALL-E?

NICK: …from WALL-E, but bigger. Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, welcome to my home away from home. You know, I’ve led you here, and I’ve introduced myself, and you all haven’t said who you are or even what you’re doing here… It would be nice to get a little bit more give out of the give-and-take that’s going on right now. I know I don’t talk to people a lot… Ooh! You’re probably hungry.

NICK: He dives into one of the boxes and comes out holding two big baggies of purple and green fungus kept in two separate bags.

NICK (as Meelo): This stuff, turns out, is edible. It’s pretty good if you wanna try.

NICK: He starts setting it out on top of a box.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, but uh, I have a bag of Spunyuns, so I am okay.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh, are they flaming hot? I’ve had a craving for flaming hot Spunyuns for like ten months.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, they are just the regular ones.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, never mind then.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m full. I don’t need any food. Thank you.

CAMERON: Karma donates some granola bars and oranges to the pile but does not partake in the mushrooms.

NICK: He sees the granola bar and oranges, and you can see him staring at those, and he looks at you, Karma.

NICK (as Meelo): Can… I try some of those? I’ve been eating mostly fungus for a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Take as many as you’d like. This is a community eating table.

NICK (as Meelo): Yes!

NICK: He rips an orange in half and just starts shoving it into his face and is thrilled, you can tell. After the first orange he starts munching on a granola bar and is visibly trying to keep himself calm.

NICK (as Meelo): So, um… most of the people that I find down here are here to hunt illegally or here to try to scavenge something out of the wreckage. That’s basically what I do to keep my time going too is scavenge things out of the wreckage. As you can see there’s some cool stuff around here. Is that why you’re here? Can I maybe help you find something? I’m really… You gotta understand, I really wanna get off this planet. I’ll do whatever you need to help you be successful. I’m 100% trustworthy, I promise. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I could start with introductions. Hi, I’m Tink, a Gigoran slicer.


NICK (as Meelo): Aw, great! Thank you for providing both your name, your species, and your occupation!

LILIT: [sighs]

NICK (as Meelo): I’m Meelo Smee, a Sullustan smuggler pilot.

NICK: He holds out his hand to shake.

LILIT (as Xianna): One of these days I am going to explain to you all the importance of fake names.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if Tink is my fake name and I’ve been playing the long con on you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, because I know your name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I know Tink is just like a nickname that is officially connected to your real name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you have a good point. My name is Meelo Smee, and I’m a Sullustan legal pilot, who does legal piloting things.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You already told us the real name. We know now.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convincing.

NICK (as Meelo): What are you gonna do, leave me marooned on this jungle planet? Whatever, it’s fine. I was just trying to be cool.

LILIT (as Xianna): But we are here to scavenge, for a very particular item.

NICK (as Meelo): Ah, now we’re talking. Tell me a little more. Maybe I’ve seen it. Maybe it’s somewhere in the Crate Dragon.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it was in a briefcase, or maybe they took it out of the briefcase. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, this one wasn’t the briefcase. The briefcase was empty. That’s what Falx gave us. This was in a crate… Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been so long. So it is either in a box or not in a box.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay, we’re off to a great start.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s like a stone tablet type thing about ye big…

CAMERON: Karma holds up her hands in roughly the size of a data pad.

CAMERON (as Karma): …and it has buttons on it.

NICK (as Meelo): Huh.

HUDSON: I’m rolling Perception to see if it’s actually just in his ship somewhere.

NICK: I’m gonna say this is a daunting difficulty, because this is a smuggler ship and everything’s hidden in boxes.

HUDSON: A triumph with no success and a failure.

NICK: Either he knows about it and it’s gone or you find something unrelated that’s very useful. It’s up to you.

HUDSON: I think I find something that’s very useful.

NICK: Okay. What would you like to find?

HUDSON: I find a Gigoran action figure with an axe that is like just the cutest little action figure and it looks like me.

NICK: Okay. So as Meelo is trying to get a little bit more information out of the three of you about how he can help, you start to dig around in some of the crates, and what you see is that actually most of the boxes are full of additional boxes.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: They’re nested smaller and smaller. Some of them have four or five of the same size box stuck inside. Most of the time if you open a lid or look into an open box you just see more boxes, but in one of them you manage to go a couple layers in, and yeah, you find this little action figure that looks like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I found this in these Naboo nesting boxes. We got the little action—Look at this guy! Look at this guy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am very happy for you, Tink, but that is not helpful right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe it will be. Maybe it holds a secret ring that can tell us where things are.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve been watching too much TV.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was about to say that. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think you have.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. That’s part of the original cargo, actually. I forgot that was in there. You know, all the boxes, it’s easy to lose things, which I guess is kind of the idea. But hey, you know, if you get me out of here you can keep that if you want.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

NICK (as Meelo): I missed the delivery, so… I don’t really have a use for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds great. We will get you out of here.

NICK (as Meelo): Aw, thank you. Can we shake on it? I would just really like a commitment to get me out of this jungle. It would make me feel a lot better.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure, but you have to shake the action figure’s hand too.

NICK (as Meelo): [chuckling] Okay.

NICK: He shakes the action figure’s hand very seriously with one finger and then grabs your hand. Your hand is a lot bigger than his, and y’all shake, and you can see he visibly relaxes.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I feel a little bit better with that commitment. So, you’ve hired yourself a guide. You’re looking for a stone tablet… that’s either in a box or not in a box and has buttons on it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. Last known location would be in whatever building the Oracle hung out in.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that big greenhouse thing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that big one in the center.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. Ooh… ooh, really? Are you sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as Meelo): Uh… You haven’t been down onto the surface, have you, before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope, just landed.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. I didn’t know if this was your first time. Some people make return trips. So, here’s the thing… That herdship going down opened up a path for people to come and land in the jungle without having to talk to the Ithorians at all, because they don’t normally like it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, I had noticed.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. I saw some of your approach vector, it was pretty fancy flying, but here’s the problem. The people who figured that out are very, uh… scary? Like I said before, they come down for two reasons, either they’re looking for loot, and they tend to find it and they’re willing to kill anybody that gets in the way because they’ve already done something that’s generally just disrespectful to the culture, or they’re looking to big game hunt. There’s a particular kind of creature down here, it’s called a molsoom. You ever heard of a molsoom before?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I’ve eaten that before. Is it like an oatmeal-like substance? Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, molsoom is like that dark sticky syrup that comes from sugarcane production. You know, you use it to make cookies.

NICK: You can roll me Xenology if you wanna know if you’ve actually heard of a molsoom before.

CAMERON: Can we all roll just to see?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard, because this is a very specific thing.

CAMERON: A success and a threat!

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: Four failures, three advantages.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow.

NICK: Tink, you have no idea what that is. You actually believe Xianna’s story about it being an ingredient for a special type of cookie. Karma, you have actually seen a molsoom before. You didn’t know where they were from. The threat is that it almost killed you once. A bounty that you were working to capture had one as a pet and you wandered into its pen instead of the bounty’s office.

CAMERON: I hate when that happens.

NICK: Yeah. You don’t really remember very clearly, because it was a long time ago and the poison kind of affected your memory from that time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, those are those giant bug dragon poisonous monster things… right?

NICK (as Meelo): Oh! I thought you said you hadn’t been here before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t. I unfortunately encountered one elsewhere.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh. Well, then you know that’s the main reason I wanted you all to come back to the Crate Dragon, because at least I can shut the door here. Those things are bad news. The kind of people who hunt them do it because it’s a challenge and because their fur is actually really pretty and it’s very rare, so you can sell it for a lot of money. But long story short, kind of a roundabout way to say it, there’s a really big molsoom that made its nest in where the greenhouse used to be. Not all the plants died when they landed, like they were nestled in the crash, and this big old honkin’ giant one moved in. Really, whenever it wakes up and goes to hunt it’s best to just not go anywhere near it. It’s a scary little thing.

CAMERON: What is the size on these?

NICK: So normally you would know that they’re like tiger sized.


NICK: This one’s bigger.


HUDSON (as Tink): For a creature like this, it sounds like what we need to use is logic, reasoning and a bribe to get them on our side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, and I have three grenades left.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): The grenades could work if we get it out of the greenhouse, but I’d prefer not to throw the grenades into the greenhouse since I’m pretty sure that’s where the doo-wopper is, whatever it’s called.

NICK: So I can tell you, if you remember, the greenhouse was like really big. It was bigger than a city block. That was where the Oracle lived.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. I could use my vibro-axe to entice it to run away if it gets injured.

NICK (as Meelo): I think that’s called stabbing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s called a lot of motivation.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Oh…

NICK (as Meelo): Sounds like your friend here, who still hasn’t introduced herself, and only Tink introduced himself but that’s fine…

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey. The conversation continued after that point and there was never a good time for me to do an introduction, so I didn’t. So this is your fault!

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Hello! I’m Meelo Smee. What’s your name?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello. I’m Karma, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK (as Meelo): Thank you so much. And you ma’am, who reminded me that fake names are a good idea in this society?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well… [huffs] I mean, I guess I am Xianna.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah you are!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because nobody else is ever going to use fake names.

NICK (as Meelo): Great, and what’s your species and occupation?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a Twi’lek. I don’t know, what is my occupation? I mean, are we employed? Are we contractors? Are we full-time? Are we…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you fill out a W4 or a 1099?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No, none of them.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Or a W2.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, then you’re neither a contractor nor an employee.

LILIT (as Xianna): Am I just like freelance?

NICK (as HK): I believe that we are an LLC, Afternoon Delight Depot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well if we’re an LLC that means that you likely get a W4, unless you’ve decided to be independent of our LLC. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I never filled out paperwork, so maybe I’m a freelancer who just sometimes works jobs for you?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is a 1099. We have figured it out.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Again, I have never filled out any of this paperwork. I guess I am just like a thief? A smuggler of some sort. You know, scoundrel-esque activities.

NICK (as Meelo): Someone after my own heart. Wonderful. Well it’s nice to meet you.

NICK (as HK): And I am HK-67.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay, that’s fine, robot who’s been standing there quietly most of this time. That’s cool. Stay out of the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re gonna wanna be nice to the droid.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Thank you so much for introducing yourself.

NICK (as HK): You’re welcome!

NICK (as Meelo): Alright, okay, yeah. I’m seeing the large blaster rifle now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): He will murder you.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh, that’s concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): He thinks it is a very fun activity to do.

NICK (as Meelo): So, your friend here… Anyway. Karma – nice to meet you again, now that we’ve got that settled – says that she’s met a molsoom before. I don’t think she’s met a molsoom like this one. Normally they’re about the size of a baby bantha, maybe big enough to fit in the cockpit of an X-Wing. This molsoom is a lot bigger. It’s like maybe full bantha size.

CAMERON (as Karma): Goodness.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, and it’s just as fast.

CAMERON (as Karma): As a bantha?

NICK (as Meelo): No, as a normal molsoom.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): As an X-Wing cockpit?

NICK (as Meelo): Yes. Well actually, yeah. If one was to look statistically at the speed assigned to it, it would be on ship scale rather than foot scale, but that’s a weird meta thing that may not get included in the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): So I don’t mean to discourage you all from going and trying to check that greenhouse, it’s just gonna be really dangerous.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like I said, I have three grenades and at least one gun, possibly more, who knows.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you have your axe, and Karma has her carbine rifle blaster, and we have Hank. I feel like we will be fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you think, Little Tink?

HUDSON: Then I turn to my action figure.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Tink): [small, high-pitch voice] “Well Tink, I think there’s no task too big for the Afternoon Delight to take on.”

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. That started cute and then got really scary really fast.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You will get used to it.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, with just Tink in general? Is that like a thing that… happens?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes, you know, possibly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Back to the giant monster. The danger is kind of par for the course with this employer. I don’t know if we’ve ever had a mission that the odds weren’t wildly stacked against us, and this one actually seems like the most even odds at this point.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay!

LILIT (as Xianna): So do we want to go into the greenhouse and then when we meet the creature we meet the creature, or do we want to try to lure it out into the open first? Like, the fight is on our terms. You know what I mean?

CAMERON (as Karma): Meelo, what’s the area around the greenhouse like wreckage-wise? Is it open or is it fairly rubbly?

NICK (as Meelo): It’s a mixed bag, really. Some trees didn’t get destroyed in the crash. Most of them did. There’s some rubble. There’s some flat spaces. It’s kind of in sections, so if you were looking for some favorable ground you could probably find some. I tend to stick to the rubble because it’s got more hiding places. The last set of hunters that came here were real mean. I don’t think very many of them made it, but I spent a lot of time hiding, because they kept trying to shoot me saying something about the most dangerous game of all being Sullustans. I don’t know what that was all about.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. Weird.

NICK (as Meelo): I can assure you that the most dangerous game of all is actually molsooms, turns out.

HUDSON (as Tink): I believe it. I think we should fight it on our terms, on our turf. Now what’s our turf?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we’d have to go over to the greenhouse area to figure that out, Tink. I don’t think we’re gonna be able to choose from over here. We’re gonna have to go scout it out.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, if you all head further into the wreckage, it’s pretty obvious from here, you’re just gonna need to cross this last little green belt that separates the Crate Dragon from the main site, and then the greenhouse is still partially standing, so it’s gonna be the tallest thing you can see, and it’s right in the middle, so that should be pretty straightforward. You all can scout around, take down this big scary monster, look for your stone tablet thing with buttons, and then just grab me on the way out.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whining] You’re not coming with us?

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, I sure would not like to.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we need your support?

NICK (as Meelo): In what way? You’re the ones that pointed out how well armed and good at fighting you are. I’m a pilot. This blaster’s mostly for show. It doesn’t even have batteries.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if they run on batteries, but sure, why not.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as Meelo): So anyway, yeah, I’m not much of a fighter. I would really, really rather not get involved in a molsoom hunt, especially since the last group of people I saw wandering around there I don’t think they all made it, and I’m very funny and likeable, I would be the first one to go. I’ve seen the holos.

CAMERON (as Karma): You also just said that you don’t have any weaponry skills, so that does kinda track.

LILIT (as Xianna): Honestly, I don’t feel like we need him. No offense, just it does not seem like you would be any help in a fight.

NICK (as Meelo): None taken.

CAMERON (as Karma): And it would really suck for you to have met us and gotten a ride off the planet to then get eaten by a giant whatever-they’re-called.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mals… Mols…

LILIT (as Xianna): Molasses.

CAMERON (as Karma): A large molasses. [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): molsooms, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): molsooms.

NICK (as Meelo): You said you’d seen one before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have, but for some reason this name is really difficult for me. It’s just not sticking in my head.

NICK (as Meelo): It really would be good for me to not die, and the way I see it is if you all don’t manage to take it down maybe you hurt it bad enough that it dies and then at least my life here has been improved.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fair.

HUDSON (as Tink): I tend to agree with this, but I think we need to hear out Little Tink. Little Tink, what do you think of all this? “Well, what if we have the spirit of Sabos that comes and just fills Milo with energy and leads him to victory?”

LILIT (as Xianna): [groans] Okay, no. No, I am done with this.

LILIT: Xianna just starts walking out the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Okay, well I guess I’m just gonna agree with everybody here. Thanks, uh, thanks everybody.”

NICK (as Meelo): Hey, you know what, you can keep that action figure. I don’t want it anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Yay~!” Alright, me and Little Tink are gonna go on so many adventures.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I’m gonna have nightmares.

NICK: So, do the four of you head out into the herdship?

CAMERON: Let’s roll out.

NICK: I think we need a roll of some kind to determine where you would set up the ground and then y’all need to figure out how you would lure it to that ground, so like a Survival check. We’ll roll it into being able to do it sneakily too so you don’t accidentally set it off too early. It’s probably a collaborative thing.

CAMERON: Survival?

HUDSON: Can I roll Stealth then?

NICK: So I think for setting an ambush that really feels like Survival, doesn’t it?

CAMERON: Wouldn’t it be Cool?

LILIT: Would it be Skulduggery? It’d be Streetwise.

NICK: I could be persuaded that it’s Cool since Cool is specifically used for ambushing.

CAMERON: Sweet, because that’s better than my Survival.

NICK: But it can be collaborative, so people can at least add blue dice.

LILIT: So we cannot use Stealth?

NICK: I would say you can use Stealth to help, but the actual, like, how good of an area are you going to have is gonna have to be Cool or Survival, but if you do a successful Stealth roll you can use that to make sure that you don’t accidentally wake up the molsoom ahead of time.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: Yeah. I would say the Stealth, because you’re more likely to triumph.

LILIT: I can add a blue die to all Stealth checks equal to my rank in it. Three successes.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: On the Cool check I have two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Wow. Okay. So Xianna, explain how you coach everyone through not making enough noise to wake up a big scary predator, and then all of y’all describe what your ambush looks like and what the plan is, because you’re successful. You’re able to basically set this up to be as beneficial as possible for you and you don’t make any noise.

LILIT: Xianna shows everyone on the forest floor where patches of green plant and moss and stuff are.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. If you step on the green plants it is soft and will not make as much noise. If you see over here there are like twigs and dried leaves, those are crunchy, crunch-crunch-crunch. You step on those, it is loud. Green means go. Okay everybody? You step on the green.

HUDSON (as Tink): No cronch.

LILIT (as Xianna): No cronch. You do that and you be quiet and you stand behind these trees, and if you go this way and you approach from a 60 degree angle from where you are…

LILIT: And just does a lot of technical stuff showing everyone exactly where to go and which trees to hide behind.

NICK: Xianna’s really aware of the direction of the wind and things like that.

CAMERON: The direction of the shadows.

NICK: Yeah. There’s a lot more to it than you would think, because Xianna makes it look so easy, but there’s actually a lot of engagement and conscious thought that goes into it. She is very good at this.

HUDSON: So, we go through and bust out some ballet moves, some pliés and flambés and other jumpies.

CAMERON: [laughing] Neither of those are jumps. One of them is not ballet. The plié is not a jump!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s different kind of locales surrounding this greenhouse. You can see that bits of the walls of the greenhouse blew open in the crash so there isn’t like a main entrance anymore, it’s more of a canopy, but arrayed in a circle around it there are flat areas, there are rocky rubble areas with high ground, there are some areas with cover and trees. What is your ideal ambush situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Y’all, when do we throw the grenade to do a distraction so they run a certain way?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, we would have to make sure that we have the high ground so that the grenade does not roll back at us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Maybe somebody can get up into the trees! That would be me probably. I’m good at climbing.

NICK (as HK): If you put me somewhere tall I can shoot well. That might be something to consider.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we just put you at ground level.

NICK (as HK): Either way, I do tend to get hit a lot more than you would expect for someone who’s mainly focused on sharpshooting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Maybe we just put you on top of a tall rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if I get on your shoulders or you get on my shoulders so that we have a gun shooty and a swingy axe? Close range or long range, doesn’t matter, we’re an ultimate fighter.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure your feet would still be touching the ground.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man. Memory check. Have we tried this before? I remember this not working. I feel like this is a tactic we have done multiple times and it always goes poorly, but surely with your large amount of intelligence and tactical acumen I must have some sort of fragmentation in my memory because you have not failed at anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you are not wrong, HK. You have tried this before and it does not work.

HUDSON (as Tink): Statistically it has to eventually.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… that is not how that works.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales]

LILIT (as Xianna): We put Hank on top of a big rock so he is up a little bit.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s fine I guess.

CAMERON (as Karma): So Tink, there could be a very specific situation where it could work, but normally we’re gonna want HK remaining stationary and solid so that he can shoot well, and we’re gonna want you to be able to move around freely as you are a melee fighter.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. I need room for summersaults, jumps, slashes…

CAMERON (as Karma): Precisely, all those pliés.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, yeah.

NICK (as HK): Do not forget the flambés.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, thank you.

NICK: So, you all are able to find a stretch of wide ground that has cover around three quarters of it, like low bushes and things that you can hide in. It’s got some higher rocks. There’s some trees nearby to climb. It’s basically a kill zone, and it’s near to the greenhouse. Is there any other details to this area you would want to add?

CAMERON: In the hole in the greenhouse, the area that we’re next to is one where most of the wall is blown away and there’s not a whole lot of plants immediately on the inside of the greenhouse so that nothing can sneak up to the edge of the greenhouse to then jump out.

NICK: Yeah, so there’s an approach…


NICK: …and it’s cleared out in a way that you’ll be able to see it coming. You’re not gonna be surprised. As you all are quietly whispering in this ambush spot and talking through what you’re going to do, HK cocks his head to the side.

NICK (as HK): Wait, hang on. How do we get the big scary monster from in there to out here?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I know!

LILIT: Xianna just fires off a few blaster rounds at the hole in the wall.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That should do it. I’m going to go climb a tree now.


NICK: There’s a long pause… and HK looks at Karma as Xianna shrugs and starts walking towards a tree.

[action rock music begins]

NICK (as HK): I do not think that worked.

NICK: Then you hear this horrible clicking roar, and the trees inside the greenhouse start to shake and the glass starts to rattle, and you can hear a beast charging towards the outside.

CAMERON: Karma turns to HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you sure?

NICK (as HK): Okay, so maybe I spoke a little too soon. It was quiet for a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you wanna get on your rock?

NICK (as HK): I would like to get on my rock.

NICK: We see HK start scrambling up.

CAMERON: Karma goes and takes cover behind a tree.

NICK: Tink, where do you set up?

HUDSON: I squat behind a piece of rubble where I can sneak around behind them as they’re running, hopefully, if they go down the path I’m expecting them to, and slash.

NICK: Cool. So we see you all approach your spots, and this huge terrifying creature approaches the hole in the wall, and you can see that it’s pushing trees out of the way, and it’s bigger than you even imagined, and the last thing we see is the molsoom, massive and terrifying, as it charges through the gap and out into your ambush. That’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 17 Reading Rainbow

PDF download: S2 Episode 17 Reading Rainbow

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 17:
Reading Rainbow

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This episode features a patron-created NPC. Jenner the Harch was provided by Joshua Winter. Thank you again, Joshua, for your support, and we had a lot of fun playing with Jenner in this episode.

A reminder that if you want to submit an NPC for the squad to meet, that option is available at the $10 a month and up level on our Patreon. Thank you to everyone for your support of the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 17 of Season 2! All the signs are pointing to this being a wonderful season, and we’re glad you’re here with us along for the ride. Everybody, let’s go around the table and say who you are, who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we met up let me know, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I am breaking from tradition and actually hoarding my experience points this time.

NICK: Oh~ You got your eyes set on something shiny and new?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. And expensive.


NICK: Great. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I used 20 of my experience points to go up to Level 3 in Negotiation.

NICK: Hey! Good idea. You got grand plans for that?

HUDSON: Yeah, I feel like I’m gonna be the top negotiator of the squad here in a couple more ranks.

NICK: Okay. [laughs] Sounds good. Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought additional ranks in Charm and Gunnery.

NICK: Hey! Gunnery, there’s a thought, and Charm. What does that bring you to, like 4 in Charm?

LILIT: No, actually only a 3 in Charm.

NICK: That’s a lot still.

LILIT: I have 4s in Skulduggery and Stealth.

NICK: Nice. Well wonderful. Before we get started with the recap let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side!

CAMERON: [weakly] Yay.

NICK: So when we last left off you all had seized a mysterious Force artifact from a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula, cleverly avoiding many traps and puzzles and instead going straight to the end and getting the prize. The last we saw was you all leaving the planet and flying off into the nebula, and I think we pick up as you are exiting the nebula.

You did dash through some small wreckage of some ships along the way that you had interacted with before you made it to your prize in the first place, and you don’t see any apparent survivors or see any distress signals.

We zoom in on the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight as the three of you are clustered over the instrument panel and Karma is trying to pick her next destination. Where are you going to go? You have this unidentified object and you need to figure out what it is and you need to figure out where to go next.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. How many of these things do we got left to get?

CAMERON (as Karma): Six more, right? Sentinel said it was seven.

HUDSON (as Tink): That makes… That makes sense. Okay, so we have six more to go. What if we surprise Sentinel and just get all of them before our next appointment with him?

LILIT (as Xianna): I would like to point out the issue that we don’t know what most of them are or where to find them.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you had told me I was looking for a Force artifact I probably would not have picked up this blue snow globe.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. I guess we’ll need a couple hints.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s just not super exciting looking. It’s pretty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we know anyone who is an expert on Force things? I mean, I guess Sentinel.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Sentinel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel will know how to locate the rest, or he can use the Force to, I don’t know, connect to the other ones using this one? I don’t know.

HUDSON (as Tink): The Force isn’t used for everything, Xianna. You can only use it for a certain number of things like getting discounts off your pancakes at Space Denny’s for instance.

CAMERON (as Karma): No?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think you can use it for anything, because like the Force is in anything, or is everywhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): And if we’re thinking of things that the Force can do, I would think that tracking Force artifacts would seem to fall into the category. That would make sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh no! Are we gonna have to go to a library and do research? Because libraries always get upset when I try to bring snacks in.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, because it’s a library.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. They’re like “you are going to spill your snacks all over the holocrons,” and I’m like but what if I don’t? What if I eat my snack at the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not good enough. That’s how you get ants. Do you want ants?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I’m actually with Xianna on this one. If you’re gonna be sitting in the library for that long you need snacks.

LILIT (as Xianna): They should make a snack area where you can sit and eat your snack, and then once you are done with your snack you can go back to the holocrons and books or whatever we are calling them these days.


CAMERON: You know, those things you use for research, in libraries. Those things.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we should do some research and then surprise Sentinel with what we found to show that we have initiative and we can get gold stars on our report.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Does anybody have a valid library card? Because mine do not work anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I do. I go there to anonymously do things that are usually malicious on the holonet.

LILIT (as Xianna): But you have a library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes. I have to have one to use the computers there anonymously.


CAMERON (as Karma): Anonymously?

LILIT (as Xianna): But is it under a fake name or a real name?

HUDSON (as Tink): It was actually, through a big mishap, a combination.

LILIT (as Xianna): How is that possible?

HUDSON (as Tink): It says Minx Rallltinkraatakat, so my last name is on there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I would argue that is maybe a fake name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, okay. Well call me Minx if we’re there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because that is the problem is that my library card is from Ryloth and it has my real name on it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which I can’t use because it comes up as me being dead in the system, and they are like “ma’am, you can’t use this card, you are dead.”


LILIT (as Xianna): And then I’m like but I am not dead, clearly I am here, and then they threaten to call the cops on me.

[smooth jizz begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I have a question. Are all of the interplanetary library systems connected through like a master system? Because that takes a lot of organization throughout all of these intergalactic wars and stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you can go to the Empire-run libraries and those ones are all interconnected, they have like a centralized database, or you can go to the planetary ones which are centralized for the planet, or you can go to your local library.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow! So many options to learn and explore!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you’re wanting to get something quickly I’d recommend not using the Empire ones, because they tend to have a really long hold on all of the things that you would actually want to read.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and your local library can usually order books for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. We don’t have time for that. let’s go to the planetary ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): They also sometimes have holo dramas and movies and stuff too, not just the books and holocrons.

CAMERON (as Karma): And story times and other activities.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which they don’t let you bring your fucking snacks in!

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true.

NICK: This episode brought to you by your local library.

HUDSON: And viewers like you~


CAMERON: We pull up Space Google maps. “Libraries near me,” Search.

NICK: You’re in the Outer Rim right now.

LILIT: I have Outer Rim intelligence. I could roll to find the library. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah! [smiling] Roll to find a god damn library.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay fine, I’m rolling to find a god damn library!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: I mean, I don’t think I have anything that’s gonna…

HUDSON: Yeah, you don’t—Why would you need help?

LILIT: Why would I have anything that would help this? I mean, I would say this is an easy check, right?

NICK: Yeah, it’s a library. [laughs]

LILIT: That is one success and one advantage.

NICK: Great. Good job. You find a library.

LILIT: But on what planet?!

NICK: I’m googling Outer Rim planets.

LILIT: Is Lothal an Outer Rim planet or is that Mid Rim?

NICK: Lothal is an Outer Rim planet. Do you guys wanna go to Lothal?

LILIT: We can go to Lothal.

HUDSON: Let’s go to Lothal.


HUDSON (as Tink): To the library!

HUDSON: [does the Batman jingle] And then the screen spins like an old Batman cartoon.

[smooth jizz ends]

NICK: Okay. Xianna, looking over at the astro-maps as Karma is paging through, asking where you all need to go, you see that you’re not that far from an Outer Rim planet called Lothal. I don’t know if that’s a planet you’ve been to before, but it’s a fairly well-known one. You know that’s where loth-rats come from, and Creamsicle seems pretty cool, so why wouldn’t you go there? It does have an Empire presence but not overly strong. You think you should be okay.

LILIT: Xianna points at Lothal on the map.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, this one! I have not gotten kicked out of this library yet, so they won’t have my photo up. Also, it is where Creamsicle is from~

CAMERON (as Karma): The libraries are putting your photo up?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, because if you get kicked out of a library, like formally kicked out, they do keep a photo of you in their database of people who are not allowed back in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That’s shockingly never happened to me. I know we’re all shocked.

LILIT (as Xianna): They take your library card and they cut it up in front of you.

HUDSON: Under his breath Tink starts singing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Because I want Lothal or nothing at all~


NICK: Karma hits the hyperspace lever and you all snap into the blue tunnel as the stars stretch around you. After a quick cloth swipe we see you all coming into Lothal’s orbit and then we see the ship coming down to a gentle landing. Lothal is a desert-looking planet. It has some scrub brush, but it’s pretty arid, and you set down in one of the larger cities which is called…

So apparently the three major cities in Lothal are Jalath, Kothal, and Capital City.


CAMERON: I wanna go to Capital City!

HUDSON: I wanna go to Capital City too.

NICK: So as you are entering the atmosphere you see that there are several different population centers that are reasonably large where you could find a well-equipped library, and you choose Capital City as the one that you head to. We see the ship landing and we get a quick montage of you all hopping off of the ship and jumping into a speeder and riding through the city and navigating your way through. We come to you all standing in front of the Capital City library. Each of y’all provide a detail of what this library looks like.

CAMERON: Ooh. On either side of the doors there are giant loth-cats made out of stone.

NICK: Nice. Big old statues.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: They look worn and slightly damaged by industrial pollution, but they’re still quite majestic.

CAMERON: Very majestic.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: I am adding less of a building detail and more of a scene-setting detail in that Xianna does have a clear backpack on that is housing Creamsicle.

NICK: Okay. [chuckles]

LILIT: And it does have one of those little tiny drip water bottles and a tiny little spinny wheel, for Creamsicle to run around in, in the backpack.

NICK: That is adorable. Creamsicle has her paws up on the outside of the backpack and is looking out very excitedly at everything as it goes by. You realize she hasn’t been out of the ship very much since you found her except for an errant tea party and a couple of other small things, so this is a big adventure for her.

HUDSON: So right outside the library there’s a person with a picket sign and they’re trying to organize a holocron burning, or holocron destruction party, for books that they don’t agree with.

NICK: Huh… wonderful. [chuckles]

LILIT: We kick them!


HUDSON: We kick them on the way in.

NICK: They’re just very aggressive and dour looking people who are yelling about certain books that the library have, and they’re being vastly ignored by the population as people go by. They seem rather ineffective and small-minded.

So, you head past the holocron burners and up into this library. It looks a lot nicer on the outside than it does on the inside. Whereas the outside of the building looks to be stone and a very venerable building and have intricate carvings on the outside and statues, the inside is very industrial. It’s a plain open room.

There’s a large semi-circular desk as you walk in that appears to have somebody standing behind it greeting visitors. The library’s pretty much empty. There’s a row of terminals for research in the holonet, and there’s shelves and shelves of books just heading straight back into this large square room. The lights further back are off and appear to turn on as people get closer to them, like motion sensor lights to save energy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, all the world’s knowledge in one building.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): All the world’s knowledge?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, there was a lot wrong with that statement.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): This probably spans multiple worlds.

HUDSON (as Tink): All of the universe’s knowledge in one building.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): And probably not that much. Somewhere in the middle.

NICK: As you all are standing there the being that is behind this librarian counter gestures with one of his arms to wave you over. You see that this person, as you get closer, is a Harch. A Harch is like a large anthropomorphic spider, and the one in front of you has dark gray fur and black streaks in the fur with green eyes and is wearing kind of a Coruscant-y business robe with multiple layers draped. You can see that it has six arms and two legs and some large mandibles but looks very friendly and is wearing thick six-lensed glasses that cover each of its eyes. While he looks to be a little disheveled and his robes aren’t perfectly neat or anything, he does look very friendly as he waves at you.

NICK (as Jenner): Well hello there, everybody. If you could please come in out of the doorway. We don’t want to let the atmosphere out.

CAMERON: Karma walks further into the library.

NICK: This spider person gestures widely.

NICK (as Jenner): Welcome to my library. It’s so nice to have you here. You know, the protestors outside have just really ruined things for everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, they didn’t bother me too much. I just ignored it.

NICK (as Jenner): Probably the best, probably the best, but not everybody is interested. I am Librarian Jenner. Nice to meet you. What brings you to this fine repository of knowledge?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well we’re on a mission from our Je—I mean, um…

NICK (as Jenner): I’m sorry, from your what?

HUDSON (as Tink): From our Je—Um… J-Jebediah, our friend, sent us to look up some stuff.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I see. That seems very fluid and not covering for any sort of misspeak at all. Thank you for speaking so openly with me. I do appreciate that.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stumbling] You’re welcome.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Jenner): And what knowledge can I help you seek on this fine day? Well first of all, do you have a library card? It’s extremely important that you have your library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got one right here.

NICK (as Jenner): Ah, Minx Rallltinkraatakat. Nice. Thank you for coming back to the Outer Rim Library System. Always a pleasure, always a pleasure. This photo doesn’t look like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I was in a terrible accident. I look ugly as shit now.



LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink, you look beautiful now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, thanks.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I know all about being an awkward adolescent. It’s alright with me. I used to be an egg, you know. [chuckles enthusiastically and sighs contently]

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles awkwardly]

CAMERON: Karma looks kind of uncomfortable but laughs politely.

NICK (as Jenner): So, you are here ,and you are here looking for books. What can I help you find? We’ve got holocrons. We’ve got the holonet. We’ve got books, apparently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so—

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Can we just like peruse?

NICK (as Jenner): Oh!

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, look. Not that we do not want your help, it is just that we are very antisocial and very introverted and shy.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh yes, of course, of course. My apologies. It’s just been so long since anyone’s come in to visit.

NICK: You can see that he’s nudging something kind of under the desk, and you can’t see exactly what he’s doing back there but he seems to be messing with something with his bottom two sets of arms.

NICK (as Jenner): But yes, please take all the time that you need. Look around. If you have any questions or you’re looking for anything specifically I’ll be right here.

HUDSON (as Tink): One thing I want to get a lead on, since there’s just so much to look for… What’s happening is, with Jebediah, they’re wanting us to do research because we’re playing this tabletop game with them about intergalactic space wars…


NICK: Jesus.

LILIT: [groans]

HUDSON (as Tink): …and we’re looking for Jedi Force artifact information to make the game real realistic, you know?

NICK: Roll me a Deception check.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh my goodness.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, you’re playing Edge of the Empire. That’s one of my favorite pastimes.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and two additional successes.

NICK: Jesus. I’m upset.

HUDSON: Now they wanna join our game. [laughs]

NICK: No. [laughs] Is there something you want to use that triumph on that springs to mind?

HUDSON: Someone had just returned a ton of books on Jedi artifacts that’s in a stack right beside him.

NICK: Perfect.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Jenner): Oh! Wonderful. Yes. Are you playing Edge of the Empire or Age of Rebellion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… it’s Edge of the Empire.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, Edge of the Empire. You know, the newer rules do have a little bit more depth to them, there are some more options, but I find that the proprietary dice system does make for better storytelling and tactical combat. God-awful space combat though. Just, whatever you do, don’t fight in space if you can avoid it. It’s not good. But yes, if you’re looking for real Jedi artifacts, someone just recently returned books for the same reason. Here’s a pile right here.

NICK: He taps at a large pile of ancient and dusty tomes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, this is perfect. Thank you. I guess we’ll be taking those and going and doing some research. Thanks Kenner, Jenner… Jen? Ken?

NICK (as Jenner): Jenner. My name is Jenner.

HUDSON (as Tink): Jenner! Jenner, got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where are the books about animals?

NICK (as Jenner): There’s lots of books about animals. Are you looking for care or…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you implying that most of this library is books about animals?

NICK (as Jenner): Well, arguably the only interesting thing about Lothal is the strange fauna that they have here, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine! Nerd. I am looking for books on loth-rats and like their care and maintenance and what kind of food is best for them and all of that.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, that would be 590 on the Dianoga Decimal System, Zoological Sciences. You’ll find it on the back row near the windows.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, thankyou~

CAMERON (as Karma): Can you point me in the direction of the romance novels?

NICK (as Jenner): Yes. We don’t have a lot of fiction since the Empire moved in a decade ago. They’ve been mostly focused on the scientific works, it’s hard to get the budget for entertainment, but what fiction we do have is alpha-by-author over against that wall over there. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fabulous. Thank you.

NICK: You’ll notice that he’s been pointing with each of his individual arms in different directions and then holding it, so now he kinda looks like one of those which-way signs. You all are able to wander off into the library leaving Jenner the Harch over by the desk. Tink, as you walk by, you notice he seems to be actively trying to hold something heavy under the desk out of sight, but you don’t think too much about it. You are able to do some research~


NICK: Anybody who wants to, make me an Education roll.

HUDSON: I’ll do it.

CAMERON: [sighs] I mean, there’s multiple books, we can all try.

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What about a Skulduggery check?

NICK: Are… Are you casing the library?

LILIT: Sure, why not?

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT: And in casing the library I might, you know, notice things like the Decimal system and what books are where, and all of the exits, and in doing so maybe figure out where to look.

NICK: Sure, a hard Skulduggery check, average Education check from everybody else.

CAMERON: Two successes for Karma.

HUDSON: Two failures and an advantage.

NICK: Were you looking at the romance novels, karma, or were you looking…?

CAMERON: Well so, Karma was over at the fiction section, grabbed several romance novels that had sexily clad people on the front in the typical dramatic poses, and then walks over to the table that Tink had set the Force books down at. She just sets the romance novels to the side, because she’s just gonna check those out later, and then opens up one of the Force books.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I got one success and one advantage.

NICK: Awesome. So Tink, you’re pouring through these books looking for information on the Shattered Force items, and you’re not getting a lot of the information that you had hoped to. Turns out most of the things that you were handed were rulebooks for some sort of tabletop game, so like, the lore isn’t super accurate but you know exactly what the stats for everything are which is kinda fun.

HUDSON: [intrigued] Hmm.

NICK: Karma, you do actually manage to find a book that’s more based on history and you find some interesting information, but Xianna, Skulduggery-ing your way around the library, you do notice that there are several exits. You notice that this building has a lot less security cameras than the last library that you were in, being in prison at the time, and one thing that you notice that’s a little weird is that Jenner sounded really confident about the Dianoga Decimal System and where the books were, and you notice that the Zoological Sciences shelf is not where he pointed. It’s on like an entirely different part of the library.

You were able to find it, but his directions have just been incorrect. Seems kind of weird. Not sure what purpose he would be able to serve by just sending you to the wrong area, but you are able to find several good books about loth-rat care and snacks that make loth-rats happy and the like.

LILIT: Is everyone like at a table?

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna comes back with a huge stack of books, sets them down, and then starts opening them up, and with a little lock picking tool starts finding where the little security bar codes are and starts prying them out…

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: …and then, some of the books that seem the most interesting, putting them into pockets of the coat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, in case we need them, these are where the exits are…

LILIT: And points over to the exits, much in a flight attendant fashion.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and oh, by the way, I think that librarian is not a real librarian. Maybe he killed the real librarian and took his place, but something’s wrong with that.

CAMERON (as Karma): What? Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, he did not know where anything was. He pointed us in the wrong direction in case nobody else noticed that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. The romance books were where he said they were, but there is a giant sign above it that says fiction, so… that one may have been easy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. There is something weird going on.

HUDSON: I pick up Karma’s book.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, Tad Talmoth, the Torrid Tale on Tatooine. Good one.

NICK: Good ass alliteration! As Tink is looking through the romance novel and Xianna is giving that information, Karma, you’re digging through this book and you find some specialized knowledge. You actually find descriptions of the Shattered Force specifically with little descriptions and drawings and a little more information. It’s very much mythologically based, it’s not scientifically done, but it’s enough that you get a better inkling for what you’re dealing with. As you’re turning through the pages you notice a hand-drawn sketch on one of the pages of that blue orb. Did you bring that with you or is it still on the ship?

CAMERON: Probably still on the ship.

NICK: Okay. It’s described as the Spirit Breaker. Supposedly it gives people unmatched vitality in connection to their own internal health but that it separates people from the spiritual world, whatever the heck that means. You now know what that one is called. On other pages you see hand-drawn pictures of other items, some of which look familiar to you, some of which you haven’t seen before.

You see a stone tablet that looks like it’s got some technology sunk into it and it’s called the Stone Breaker, which seems familiar to you. You see a red crystal set into a little tiara thing called the Sight Breaker. You can see a long yellow crystal rod that they call the Space Breaker, and that looks kind of familiar, and then a large stone staff that looks to be about as tall as a person is and it’s called the Bone Breaker, and you see these gold and blue flowing robes called the Heart Breaker which you know you were sent after before. Then, the last artifact says that very little is known about it, but it’s the one that ties them all together.

You search through these books for about an hour and that information I gave you is kind of a summary of what you are able to glean from it. A lot of it is very vague, but some of these items look very familiar to you. They are things that you’ve crossed paths with before, and you may actually have some ideas on where some of them are.

CAMERON: So, as Karma is flipping through all of the books, she’s taking a picture with her data pad any time there’s a page that has useful information on it so that we can look back later and don’t have to remember all of this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, Karma, we can just steal that book. This is an Empire-run library, so like, it’s okay to steal the books.

CAMERON (as Karma): But now I also have a digital copy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, but then we can have a physical one to look through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but then I don’t have to carry the book around with me all the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): But we could have that for reference on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we can do both.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying, you should never steal books from your local libraries, but if it is an Empire-run library it is totally okay.

HUDSON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I prefer the physical feel of books rather than just the weird holocron stuff. There’s just a difference. The smell, the texture, the flipping the pages between your fingers, it’s unlike anything else.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I like using them to hide drugs.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s that too.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow! Those are two very different use cases.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because if you have like a shelf in your room full of books most people don’t just pick up the books and start flipping through them, or if they do they pick up the cool-looking books, so you fill your bookshelf with a bunch of sad boring books and then nobody looks through those, and those are the ones where you hide drugs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or money, or whatever you want to hide.

CAMERON: Karma has been continuing to take photos as this happens.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… I found a lot in this book. I think we should take it. It seems useful. I feel like there’s a lot more information that we could have been told when we were given this job based on the things that I am reading in this book. There should have been more information available to Sentinel during that powerpoint presentation and I’m not quite sure why there wasn’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sentinel’s presentation was very bad outside of the transitions and stuff.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, A+ animations, it was very well put together, just the content I think… Do y’all remember our audition for all of this stuff?

HUDSON (as Tink): In the beginning?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, way back in the beginning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I stole that little gray box carton thing that had the weird creature that, you know, helped destroy that, uh… destroyer. Yeah, it destroyed the destroyer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, not quite that far back, so not from our individual auditions but the first little baby job we got when we had to go see Falx.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Yeah, we had to rescue some stormtroopers or bring them back and then we didn’t, and we let them go frolic or whatever, and there were the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): The reason that we were there, though, was because Sentinel had sent us to pick up this.

CAMERON: Karma points at a page, and it has a picture of the Stone Breaker.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, the Stone Breaker! Why did you not say so?

NICK: There’s a dramatic swell of music as the camera zooms in on the drawing of the artifact.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… that’s obviously one thing that Sentinel obviously knows about, and could have told us about, and is apparently part of this Shattered Force thing. Also…

CAMERON: Flips a few pages, points.

CAMERON (as Karma): …your dildo is in here!

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] The yellow dildo! Yes. Oh fuck… uh, I did fence that to Nolaa. I’m going to have to call her and see if she has sold it yet. That will be awkward.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s at least, like… We at least know now a path towards finding it again even if she has sold it already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean yeah, and if she has sold it we will know who has bought it and then we can go steal it from them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or acquire it in some other fashion. Yeah, we can go and retrieve the item.

LILIT (as Xianna): We would have to pay for it, and I don’t want to spend my credits on that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe Sentinel didn’t give us all the information because he pulled up the wrong version of the powerpoint slides and just didn’t realize it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh. Do you think he pulled up like a draft and hadn’t put in all the information yet?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep, that has to be what it is. It’s not like he wouldn’t trust us.

CAMERON (as Karma): But I… But… But I feel like if you’re giving a presentation and it’s, like, you’re realizing that not all your slides are there, you continue presenting the information even if you no longer have the visuals to go along with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think some people just read off every single thing in the powerpoint and forget that you can just use it as a guide.

CAMERON (as Karma): But like, he didn’t really have words in his powerpoint. It was like all pictures and then the transitions.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel is just really bad at presentations.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, do you think that is something they teach you in Jedi school?

CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t see how often it would come up and be necessary.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I feel like most of what they teach them is just fighting, so why would they teach them how to do powerpoint presentations?

CAMERON (as Karma): Power is bad, right? That’s a Sith thing? So they wouldn’t do powerpoint presentations.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, they would use Google Slides.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, Google Slides.


LILIT (as Xianna): You’re right, you are right.

CAMERON (as Karma): But also…

CAMERON: Flips a few more pages.

CAMERON (as Karma): …the Heart Breaker robe looked very different before they got their hands on it for that fashion show.

CAMERON: And like holds up the book and shows the yellow and blue actual full costume.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think we should go try to find the scrap fabric, assuming they kept it, or do we go find the thong?

CAMERON (as Karma): Sentinel said that the thong would be enough.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’re gonna have more success tracking down Illith than…

LILIT (as Xianna): Would we though? Would we?

CAMERON (as Karma): So we just, we need to put out a search and just have it ping us whenever a new fashion show is announced.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] I know what we will do, but we will need many, many months of planning, so maybe we should do the other ones first. We throw a magnificent masquerade ball and they will not be able to say no to that, and we send them an invitation, and they will be so curious that they will go to the masquerade ball, and then we can steal it from them there. Or, alternatively, we invite them mysteriously to a winter lodge in the dead of winter on some planet and we have somebody tell all these people that they have been invited by a singular person, and then we do a murder mystery party!

CAMERON (as Karma): What does that have to do with the thong?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well we say that we like have blackmail on them and they need to bring the thong to the winter lodge and that all will be revealed there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is all getting revealed because they’re taking the thong off?

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we have to like create weather conditions that like avalanche and trap us into the building and then we kill somebody…

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, what?

LILIT (as Xianna): …and we have a murder mystery!

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you on, uh, drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe, but like, mind your own business.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I just feel like the whole murder mystery thing is complicating it a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will do the masquerade ball.

CAMERON (as Karma): Having a large party where we weren’t being framed for murder would be fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t guarantee that they would bring the thong to the masquerade, but—

HUDSON (as Tink): We can make it thong themed.

CAMERON (as Karma): [splutters] What?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Nooo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Your costume, only thongs, and masks.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We could kidnap them there, or bribe them, or just offer money. I’m not entirely sure how we would get the thong from the masquerade. I think I just more wanted to do the masquerade. But I still feel like the murder mystery one has a good base to it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the big thing is just getting us in contact with Illith, so the masquerade’s sole purpose could be to just attract their attention and get them to come to our party.

LILIT (as Xianna): We could also invite Falx and then stab him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?! Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): To get him in one spot, and then we stab and we frame Illith.

CAMERON (as Karma): WHY?!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Because they stole from me!

LILIT: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] But…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we won’t do that. We will just use it as an excuse to get Illith onto a planet so that we know where they are and then we can go, like, sneak onto their ship and steal the “Heart Breaker robe.”

CAMERON (as Karma): Or we could just talk to them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you not remember what happened last time?

CAMERON (as Karma): We just have to find a more fabulous thong to trade with it, like something more fashionable than it to convince Illith to trade with us.

LILIT (as Xianna): If the fashion was why they stole it. I think it was because it has magical effects.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure it was just the fashion aspect of it judging by what else they purchased at the auction.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you say so. Anyways, I feel like we should maybe deal with the Stone Breaker and the yellow dildo first.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agreed.

NICK: So where do y’all wanna go? What’s your plan?

LILIT: Space-wise, are we closer to wherever Nolaa currently is? Well, I guess they wouldn’t be on Ithor anymore, probably, because the herdship got blown up.

CAMERON: Yeah, but if it was on the herdship when it went down then it’s probably in the crash site.

NICK: Yeah, it’s probably lost in the jungle somewhere.

LILIT: Oh, okay. So are we closer to Ithor or wherever Nolaa is currently staying?

NICK: So, I’m gonna answer that…

LILIT: With a riddle! [giggles]

NICK: [laughs] Space is a joke. Ithor is several days closer.

CAMERON: Karma slides the Force book over to Xianna to remove the tracking tag.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna pops out the little security tag and slides that book into somewhere on the coat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Also, if we want to do something fun we can figure out why the librarian is so shifty. My theory is that they killed the real librarian and hid the body somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think they’re a spy and they’re being told to watch out for us.


LILIT (as Xianna): I have maybe just been listening to too many true crime holocasts.

NICK: So, as you are packing up your gear and talking quietly amongst yourselves you can see that Jenner is pressed up against the desk and has been idly typing on one of the holo pads sunk into the desk with a couple of his hands and appears to be looking around the library quite rapidly. You surprise him a little bit as you get close.

NICK (as Jenner): So! Ah, you’re back. Hopefully you were able to find everything that you needed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Yes. Thank you for your assistance.

CAMERON: Karma slides over the three romance novels and points to Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): He’s gonna check these out.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna check these out.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, wonderful, yes. If I could just see your library card again… thank you, and I’ll just log into this computer.

LILIT: And when Tink hands over his library card, Xianna pretends to trip and bumps into Tink so that the library card falls on the floor on the other side of the desk.


LILIT: Which would give Xianna an opening to look behind the desk.

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What would that be?

NICK: Skulduggery. That’s very much a Skulduggery thing.

LILIT: Skulduggery…

NICK: We’ll say it’s average though, because I feel like making Tink drop something is probably not that hard.

LILIT: That is five successes and three advantages.

NICK: Yeah, just describe it. You get to do whatever you want. You are very good at this.

LILIT: Yes. As Tink begins to hold out his card, Xianna is going to pretend reach for a pen. I’m imagining it is a little desk that has an upper portion and then there is a lowered portion behind it.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: Yeah. So Xianna reaches for a pen on this top portion and then suddenly trips into Tink…

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Watch it! Whoa!

LILIT: …slamming her arm down on top of his and sliding a little bit, causing the card to tumble out of his hand and land on the floor behind the desk.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink! I am so sorry! I was just trying to get a pen so I could write a note, a reminder for myself for later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Over here being a clumsy Catherine. Alright, whatever.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am. I’m so sorry. You know me, I am very clumsy and not coordinated at all. It is a well-known trait of mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay~

LILIT (as Xianna): And my name is indeed Catherine.


HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not a traditional Twi’lek name, but as you well know I grew up on an Inner Rim planet of Coruscant and, you know, my parents picked a more traditional Human name.

HUDSON (as Tink): What a backstory!


LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, no problem, let me just lean over here and get that library card for you.

LILIT: As he is leaning over, Xianna wants to hoist herself up a little bit over the top rim of the desk and take a peek behind it and underneath and see what is going on back there.

NICK: With how successful you’ve been, there is a Human kind of curled up. They don’t look dead, there’s no blood or anything, but there’s a Human just kind of shoved unceremoniously under the desk.

LILIT: [laughs] Xianna just still hoisted and propped up goes:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah-ha! See, I told you!

HUDSON (as Tink): What did you see? What do you see?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I told you, that the real librarian is underneath the desk being propped up.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh… how were you so smooth and then just immediately said out loud the thing you were trying to decide?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, it is okay, we are stealing from the library anyways.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): So like, I just say we do a fun little trade and, you know, we don’t do anything about this dead body and then you don’t do anything about us, and we just go on our separate ways.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, he’s not dead, at least I don’t think so.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, unconscious body.

NICK: You can see that four of Jenner’s arms were reaching into his robe, clearly for hold out blasters, and then slowly come back out.

NICK (as Jenner): Yes, perhaps we could work something out. I’m here fighting the good fight, you see, trying to take down the Empire. If you’re stealing from an Empire library then surely you could relate to that. What do we say you take these books and neither of us ever saw each other? How does that sound?

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds great. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): But I’m seeing you right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Oh my goodness. I will explain what he means later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, as long as there are no follow-up questions as to what my plan is, may you all have a lovely day.

LILIT: Xianna gives a jaunty little salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, have a great day and may the Force be with you or whatever. Goodbye!

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma picks up her romance novels and turns and leaves.

NICK: Yeah. As you’re turning to go, Jenner raises a hand.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, one more thing. One more thing, friends, if you could stop before you exit.

CAMERON: I turn around.

HUDSON: I turn around.

LILIT: Xianna turns around, hands are in pockets, just in case.

NICK (as Jenner): Minx, you forgot your library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… thank you. Place it on the table.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as Jenner): Oh… okay.

NICK: He sets it down on the table and puts his hands back slowly.

NICK (as Jenner): You just don’t want any… evidence that you were here, right? That would be bad, considering you’re stealing from the Empire.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is if my name is really Minx.

NICK (as Jenner): Ah, I see. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, I see what you’re saying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I took out all the security bars from all the books, so like… what are they going to do? They can’t track them now.

NICK (as Jenner): Well yes, but… just take your card please and go away. I’m doing very important business here.

LILIT (as Xianna): So are we!

NICK (as Jenner): Wonderful! Wonderful! I hope you enjoy your Edge of the Empire game with all your Jedi research.

LILIT (as Xianna): You understand that was a cover that we made up, right?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, did you hear him? That was so poorly rehearsed. It was obviously fake, and I will have to have a long talk with him later about how to come up with better backstories.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who even plays Edge of the Empire?


LILIT (as Xianna): Nobody! It is a game for nerds! Do we look like nerds to you?!

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: God.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 16 Vertical Thinking

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 16:
Vertical Thinking

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking WillScarlet7362 for your kind podcast review. Thank you for helping others to find the show.

Next up, I have some new patrons to thank.

Crystal Baker, thank you so much for supporting the show. The squad is actually pretty desperate for some heavy weapon support. Karma left a rocket launcher lying around here somewhere. Grab that and some ammo and head out, will you? They’ll probably be fine, but a few more missiles couldn’t hurt, right?

Raul Castro, thank you for supporting us. I do have a special assignment for you. Kettle the crime lord seems to have been collecting things behind the scenes for quite a while. Could you make friends with her and figure out what’s going on? She won’t return my calls anymore.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 16! Our Season 2 can drive now! Everyone’s all very excited about the party, but I did get them a used bicycle for their birthday, so Season 2’s a little grumpy about it, but you know, eventually they’ll be able to get their own transportation. I’m your host and game master, Nick! Thanks for coming. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience from the last time let me know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m  Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I didn’t spend any of my experience points because I’m a hoarder.

NICK: Good for you! I like that you stick to your guns, even if you don’t have any training in guns. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I also did not spend any points, but it’s because I’m saving them… for something.

HUDSON: For marriage.


LILIT: No, for something. I’m not sure yet.


LILIT: Maybe I’ll buy a nice hat. [chuckles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Or a giant burrito. Who knows?


NICK: So if you only have a couple of experience points the pro strategy is to spend those on those little erasers and use that to make sure you use as many as possible, because you always think like “hey, I’m gonna save my experience until I come back next time,” but you never manage to keep them until the next time you come back.

LILIT: My brother and I had SO many Chuck E. Cheese tickets.


LILIT: So many. I think it was just one of those weird shitty things that my mother did, but she like never wanted us to spend the tickets, and she was always like “well no, you gotta save them so you can buy something bigger,” and we were like yeah, but we wanna use them now, because we’re children and we will not be children forever, mother!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Our childhood is fleeting and will be gone in a few years and we won’t be able to use and consume the Chuck E. Cheese tickets! Let us use them now~!

CAMERON: We always cashed in our tickets for the sticky hands and candy.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

LILIT: So we had a gigantic fucking bag of Chuck E. Cheese tickets, and I don’t think we ever got to actually spend them.

NICK: And now they’re bankrupt.

LILIT: Yeah, and now I am way too old to enter a Chuck E. Cheese.

NICK: Well, you have to borrow a kid.

LILIT: Yeah. I have to go find a child to bring with me.

NICK: [grinning] And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I did spend my experience…

NICK: Ooh~

CAMERON: …because I finally had enough to get the things that I wanted. So, on my Marauder talent tree I bought a rank of Heroic Fortitude. I can spend a Destiny Point to ignore effects of critical injuries on Brawn or Agility checks until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Oh cool.

CAMERON: I also bought another rank in Toughened, so my wound threshold went up by another 2.

NICK: Wonderful. So before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

NICK: Hey, good job, Lilit.

CAMERON: Yay Lilit~

NICK: So that’s two and two?


NICK: Wonderful. When we last left off you all had been in a high-speed running dogfight through the Typhonic Nebula, and you were being chased by Endo the Tognath who had somehow discovered where you were, and you were able to disable his ship and destroy some of his compatriots, and you were just now swinging in to land on this small uncharted moon that Sentinel provided you the coordinates for. So that’s where we’re gonna kick it off.

You find yourself on a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula. You’ve disembarked and are heading towards a small square building on the northern pole of the moon. The ground beneath you is dusty, nondescript and gray. The sky above you is a roiling green. The door into the building is a simple staircase leading down. So, we open on the four of you standing before this dark creepy staircase leading down into this small moon. The three of you are wearing breathing masks and HK is not, because HK doesn’t breathe.

{Transcriber’s Note: When speaking in character, the players’ audio has an effect to sound like they are speaking through spacesuits.}

HUDSON: Tink turns to the group and says:

HUDSON (as Tink): Does the sky look roil and green today?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as HK): That is because this moon is inside a nebula which is made of space gas.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was trying.

LILIT (as Xianna): …but I’m just not thinking of one right now.

NICK: The darkness of the staircase seems to beckon you onward.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m feeling really beckoned right now. Let’s go.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who wants to go down first? It is dark.

CAMERON (as Karma): I will.

CAMERON: Karma pops up her carbine and points it down, because it’s got heat vision, and starts walking down.

NICK: I mean, you have glow rods, too. Like, you could just have light.

CAMERON: But it’s more fun to do the gun.

NICK: Well you can do that too.

CAMERON: Okay. Then she does the cool thing that you always see in the crime—if you have the flashlight on top of the giant gun and you’re running around corners.

NICK: Cool. So you’re taking point?


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, then you go.

HUDSON: I get glow sticks and I start going…

HUDSON (as Tink): Unce! Unce! Unce!

HUDSON: …and start flipping them around.

NICK: No! It’s a common misconception. Glow rods in Star Wars…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, ooh, ooh! Is that what we are doing now?


NICK: …are just flashlights. They’re just called glow rods because it sounds more spacy.

CAMERON: Does it though?

LILIT: Turn around and Xianna’s already in a mesh outfit.


NICK: [groans and sighs trying to compose himself]

LILIT: Candy necklace. Those big fuzzy boots. You don’t know where any of it came from, but… [laughs]

CAMERON: That’s just what she wears under the coat.

HUDSON: Little do we know that my skill in using those light-up yoyos and flinging them around everywhere will come in handy at the final boss.

NICK: [laughs] The final boss is just busy staring at their hands.

LILIT: Glow rods are not glow sticks, they are just a stupid Star Wars term for flashlight.


NICK: You can have glow sticks if you want, though. [laughs] Cool, so you head down the stairs I guess.

LILIT: Xianna just pops on her night vision goggles.

NICK: Karma has her heat vision, HK has his advanced robotic eyes, Xianna has scanner goggles, and Tink has a flashlight.


NICK: You head down into the darkness.

[dramatic and suspenseful music begins]

You descend for a long time before coming to an empty room deep within the moon. Your breathing masks show that the atmosphere here is breathable, and you can see the faint outline of a door but otherwise it appears to be a solid wall.

HUDSON: I try to open the door-like figure.

NICK: You push on the door. It sure feels like a solid wall. Some deep-seated feeling in you makes you think that you’re going to have to investigate the area and find some way to move forward.

LILIT: Xianna turns to HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, can you just shoot the door open? Ooh! Do we have any thermal detonators? We could just blow it up.

[dramatic and suspenseful music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought you were about to ask him to go into Investigator Mode and I was gonna be so upset.


LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I would never do that to our friend HK. That is a fate worse than death.

NICK (as HK): Thank you for understanding how horrible that was. But yes, absolutely. Suppressing fire.

NICK: [gun power-up and firing noises] And HK starts shooting at the wall. The wall is blackened by the impact of blaster bolts. The sound of this large caliber weapon being fired over and over again is super loud in this small enclosed underground space. It appears to be taking little chunks out of the wall, but it seems otherwise like a solid piece of stone, so this may take a while.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, this seems like it may take a while. I guess we wait.

NICK: [more gun firing noises]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we will all go up and have a picnic on the ship while HK slowly chips away at this wall.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, we’ll run out of bullets, and we might need those for real killins later.

CAMERON (as Karma): Bullets?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we will all save our own bullets, and besides, nobody has a slug thrower here. We are all using lasers.

HUDSON (as Tink): Slug thrower?

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, like one of those super, super old guns with the bullets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as HK): It’s fine. I have extra power packs. If you want to go and engage in the organic predilection for “tea parties” I will give you a com call when I am done.

NICK: [more firing noises]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We can make those little cucumber sandwiches and have like scones and little cups of tea and we will put fun hats on. [gasps] We will get a tiny, tiny little hat for Creamsicle! And we will give Creamsicle…

HUDSON (as Tink): If you all think this is gonna work I’m not gonna stop anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): We will give Creamsicle their own cup of tea, but we will have to go find a doll set somewhere on the ship – I’m sure there is a doll set somewhere – and then we can make a tiny little cup of tea and tiny, tiny sandwiches and scones, and it will be very cute.

NICK: [grinning] So we cut away to the three of y’all and Creamsicle.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You’re out on this barren moon. There’s been a clear bubble erected around it so that you don’t have to try to drink through your breathing masks.

[delicate piano music begins]

You have a little checkered blanket laid out, and somewhere from the kitchen there’s a tea set and people are wearing little party hats. From the staircase leading down you can just see bright flashing green lights and hear lasers echoing.


LILIT: So we definitely have a checkered picnic blanket on the ground. Xianna has gone back to the ship and found a little summer cotton dress kind of a thing, has a big hat with a big giant ribbon and bow and little flowers on it. Tink has a matching hat.

HUDSON: I have a picnic vest on.

LILIT: Yes. It’s very cute.

NICK: Please define picnic vest.

HUDSON: So you know how there’s a red and white checkered mat we’re gonna be sitting on for a picnic?

LILIT: Uh-huh.

HUDSON: My vest is just the same thing, same material too.


NICK: Oh, okay. Okay cool, cool.

LILIT: Yeah, and somewhere on the ship we did find a dollhouse that is the appropriate scale for Creamsicle.

CAMERON: And for some reason we had a full silver tea service set in the kitchen, because why wouldn’t you on a party boat.

LILIT: Yeah, it’s a fancy party yacht, so there’s a tea set somewhere, and of course there was a fancy child at some point on the ship who had a fancy doll house with little tiny cups, and so Creamsicle has her own little setup. We have a tiny little box, it’s probably just a fast food box of some sort, but we’ve turned it into a little picnic table for Creamsicle.

NICK: We see you all sitting under this atmosphere bubble. You’ve dressed up.

CAMERON: Karma is wearing her armor and has just added a Pride and Prejudice style bonnet. Over head tails. It doesn’t super fit, but… it’s working. It’s got a ribbon to tie under her chin so it’s fine. It’ll stay on.

NICK: This is a surprisingly warm and gentle scene of the three of you all relaxing with your pet rat, and the camera pans away to show this desolate and foreboding moonscape and then pans back to this nice warm bubble of tea party. Who’s pouring the tea?

HUDSON: I am, pinky out.

NICK: Lovely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hello. Would you like tea?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you do not have to do a fancy voice, but yes, I would like some tea, thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Chip, chip, cheerio.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t… Why?

HUDSON: I pour the tea with my pinky out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh-ho-ho.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay… I’m going to get a little cup for Creamsicle. I don’t know if she can even have the tea, but you know, it’s for the aesthetics.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh Creamsicle, do you prefer chamomile or light green?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Why the fuck did we bring chamomile?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did we pick green tea?!

LILIT (as Xianna): That is like a sleepy time tea. I like green tea!

CAMERON (as Karma): I need caffeine~

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s the chamomile that can fuck right off. That is for when you are going to sleep and we are about to go do whatever it is after HK finishes his job.

NICK: The camera pans over to the nearby staircase and you see the flashing green lights and hear [firing noises].

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We should have brought a robust morning breakfast tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, we have breakfast tea, but it has elements of this morning’s breakfast in it. I actually made a spill this morning.

CAMERON (as Karma): … What?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not how you make a breakfast tea. It’s just a certain type of tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, I brewed the breakfast tea, and then I was eating breakfast and I tripped and all of my breakfast went into the tea.

[piano music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): How many teapots do we even have?

HUDSON (as Tink): Two.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so there’s this one, there’s the kettle… I guess you technically could make tea in the caf pot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, so we have a pot of chamomile, a pot of green tea, and then somehow a third pot with the breakfast-breakfast tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): But if we only have two teapots what is happening?

HUDSON (as Tink): The third one’s in a carafe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, a carafe. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we should have just boiled hot water and then everyone have their own little teabags and tea strainers and stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, quite right, quite right.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, uh, Xianna, would you like some sugar?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, yes please.

CAMERON (as Karma): One lump or two?

LILIT (as Xianna): One, and then I put a little squeezy of lemon.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whenever I squeeze lemon it gets in my eye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Aim it the other way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. You can’t aim it towards yourself.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I can’t see it being squeezed unless I’m looking.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers and sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [stammers] You… You put it in your hand, you make sure it is facing the right way, and then you point it away from yourself.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll try that next time.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we just buy you the pre-squeezed lemon in that little tiny bottle.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] The one that looks like a lemon itself and so it’s like self-referential? Yeah!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe that would just be easier for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, probably. I mean, quite hitherto, yes-yes, yes-yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Quite right. Quite right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that word means what you think it means, but okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, hitherto?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s one more than hither-one.


HUDSON: Ha-ha!

NICK: You get a com call and you hear:

NICK (as HK): Proclamation: The doorway has been demolished. By your leisure, organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, okie!

LILIT: Xianna grabs a tea sandwich and shoves it in her mouth and then puts the rebreather on top of it.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma unties the bonnet and sets it on the ground and gets up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks HK. Creamsicle, do you wanna stay here and keep having tea?

LILIT (as Creamsicle): Cheep-cheep. Cheep-cheep-cheep. Cheep.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, she’s eating the sandwich so I’m gonna assume yes.

NICK: So, you leave the spread out for Creamsicle who looks happy as a loth-rat at a picnic, and you head down the now echoingly silent staircase. It seems so quiet now that it’s not being actively bombarded by heavy weaponry. You get to the bottom of the staircase, crunching your way over shattered pieces of pottery and symbols that were etched into the walls and keyholes that were near the hinges and all sorts of interesting things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s a smoking hole that seems to lead deeper into the moon, and HK’s blaster, the barrels are all glowing brightly with heat, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): Normally I am not much for excavation, but that did work out some stress. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, thank you, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh. Thank you, yeah.

NICK (as HK): Well, whoever wants to continue onward. Maybe there will be more walls to shoot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Possibly.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON: Karma steps over rubble and starts continuing forward.

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a whole lot of pottery in here.

CAMERON: Crunch.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s just like shattered pots.

[dramatic and suspenseful music returns]

So, you continue down this other hallway, deeper into the moon. The planetoid is very small. This moon is not that big. You worry that if you continue much deeper you’ll go through the core and have to deal with the gravity changing on you.

You come to another chamber, and in this chamber it’s a large round room, and suspending in the middle is a ceramic ball on a thin cable. There are multiple holes in the walls around the room that look to be about the size of the ball with different symbols etched above them. if anyone wants to try and read these they are gonna need to make a Knowledge: Lore check, or Knowledge: Education.

[dramatic and suspenseful music ends]

HUDSON: Heh, I have nothing in both.

LILIT: I have Outer Rim and Underworld.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’ve got Underworld.

LILIT: I have Skulduggery?

HUDSON: I’ll try to read it.

NICK: Yeah, it’s a hard check, but you have like 4 Intellect don’t you? So you should be okay.


LILIT: I only have a 2 Intellect, so…


NICK: Okay, so it’s going to be a hard check, Hudson.

HUDSON: First I turn and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): What kind of sports arena is this?

HUDSON: Two failures and four advantages.

NICK: Oh, well…

HUDSON: I get the gist of it without knowing anything about it.

NICK: [as a chuckle] Yeah.

CAMERON: You know exactly which kind of sports ball arena this is.

NICK: Yeah, so this appears to be some sort of ritualistic room, maybe a test. You recognize that the symbols are in an ancient Jedi script, but you don’t know how to read that ancient Jedi script, so you can just see that there are five individual symbols that all appear to be different. They must be different words and somehow a solution to this puzzle, I mean, and somehow lead further in.

CAMERON: [laughs]


LILIT: What about a Perception or Skulduggery check?

NICK: That could probably help you out in this situation. I would say Perception for this, because you’re still trying to figure out what to do here.

LILIT: Okay. Can I have a blue die from Tink’s? I mean, he had four advantages. I feel like I could maybe have two.

NICK: Sure. Yeah, there’s a lot of advantages.

LILIT: Would maybe this be considered disabling a security device or opening a locked door?

NICK: [reluctantly] Yes.

HUDSON: Let’s get as many blue dice as we can.

LILIT: Oh wait, that’s remove a black die. There were no black dice.


LILIT: That is two successes and four advantages.

NICK: So, you can’t read what the symbols are, but you know that in these kind of situations it doesn’t really matter. They’re just gonna try to confuse you, right? It looks like if the ball was able to be pushed with a consistent force of some kind that it would be able to swing and just barely settle into these different holes, and one of them must lead onward. You figure probably four out of five are some sort of booby-trap that would hurt you. You don’t know if they’re all functioning anymore, but you know that there is definitely one that is the correct one.

LILIT: After looking at these for a while, Xianna turns around to everyone else.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Doesn’t our ship have some sort of heat sensor?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think it does.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. What if we bypass all of these stupid tests and we use the heat sensor to figure out where the room is and we just like… shoot a tunnel down to that room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like from above?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so that way we don’t have to do these tests, because I don’t want to have to think anymore. That is too much work.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, shooting has solved our problems this far.

LILIT (as Xianna): It got us into this room.

HUDSON (as Tink): If we’re just gonna bypass this door why don’t we bypass all of them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly ! That is what I am saying. We just skip all of these things, we go back to the ship, use the heat sensor or the scanners, whatever we have up there, find where the last room is and then just shoot our way directly into that room.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like shoot through with the ship into that room?

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess, or if we have like grenades or detonators. We just shoot a tunnel down to that room, unless you want to solve puzzle after puzzle.

CAMERON (as Karma): My main concern with just using the ship to create a tunnel is that we’re then gonna collapse that room, and we need the thing that’s in that room. The shooting doesn’t seem the safest way to get into the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you just do like a controlled demolition thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah…

NICK: HK cocks his head.

NICK (as HK): We could use the turret lasers to dig close and then be more careful at the end to prevent collateral damage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like HK’s onboard.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh yes. We dig the tunnel so it ends up at the side wall, and then we just set a small detonator for that side wall, and then it’s like a door and we just walk in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder how many more of these rooms there are.

LILIT (as Xianna): It doesn’t matter, because we can just bypass all of them.

NICK (as HK): Probably like four or five.


LILIT (as Xianna): And not have to do any of the puzzles inside of them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh. Can I keep this ball that we found, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): Sure. I don’t see why not.

NICK: It’s hanging from a cable from the ceiling, so do you try to like cut it down?

HUDSON: Yep, I try to cut it down.

NICK: Okay. You manage to, and as you cut the cable with your vibro-axe it retracts with the sound of cutting high-tension wire up into the ceiling, and you can hear stone deadbolts sliding shut somewhere deeper in and in the walls. You now have a small ceramic ball.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. Alright, now we really can’t go further it looks like. We should forget about that plan.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yeah, we weren’t going to do that anyway so it didn’t matter.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, we’re doing the bypass plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is good, because I need to change out of this sundress anyways.


NICK: So you all traipse back up the stairs, HK looking around to see if there’s anything still worth shooting down here which there isn’t, and we see you all climbing back into the ship. Karma, I’m assuming you jump into the pilot seat and start firing up the sensors?


NICK: To operate the sensors I’m going to need either you to make a Perception check with two black dice to calibrate it or Tink could make a Mechanics or Investigation check and man the sensors.

HUDSON: I’ll do a Mechanics I think.

NICK: So Tink, you’re able to plug into the main sensor hub and calibrate it to try to pierce down through all this stone. It is a daunting check, that’s four purples, with two black dice because that’s not what this thing is designed to do.

CAMERON: Can he have a blue die because I know how the ship actually works?

NICK: Yeah, you can have a blue die. It can be a collaborative check.

CAMERON: [laughs] Assist.

HUDSON: I got two successes, two advantages.

[electronic music begins]

NICK: Nice. So, we get a wireframe grid that gets projected as a hologram into the ship. It’s on the various terminals around the ship, and it guides Karma very easily to the best point. You can see that this staircase leads deeper and deeper into the moon, past the center of the moon and even a little further in, but it’s small enough and the scanners also indicate what the moon is made out of is not dense enough that it would stop the blaster fire, so you could conceivably dig a tunnel with your weapons through the moon… skipping the interesting and lore-steeped puzzles within.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [pained, smiling] Which if that’s what you wanna do, I guess that would be a Gunnery check with two blue dice because of the advantages and another blue die because the ship’s positioning is perfect.

LILIT: I would have four green. I still haven’t bought a rank in Gunnery. I should though. What would be the difficulty?

NICK: At this point it’s just hard.

LILIT: And aiming.

NICK: Oh yeah, you can aim I guess.

LILIT: Ha-ha! Nothing?! There were so many blank dice!

NICK: Oh, so it’s a wash, huh?

LILIT: So it’s a wash.

NICK: So, Karma, you position the ship on repulsers and you hear the turret that Xianna’s operating spring to life. With no successes but also no failures or threats the blasters just take a while to heat up, and you can see Xianna’s having a little trouble compensating for the various stones underground and the different textures of the earth are making it harder to dig a straight tunnel. It takes a while, like 45 minutes of shooting down through here. It just doesn’t go as easily as you would want it to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Can you bring me another cup of tea?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure. What do you think this planet’s made out of, cheese? What’s taking this so long? I mean like a hard cheese.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, if it was cheese it would be so much easier. And also planets are not made out of cheese, they are made of like rocks, and lava, and dirt…

HUDSON (as Tink): Not even Cheese Planet is made of cheese?

LILIT (as Xianna): Cheese Planet is not real.

[electronic music ends]

NICK (as HK): You take that back, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): No! I will not. The Cheese Planet is not real, and it is time that Tink understood that. He is not a child!

HUDSON (as Tink): [sobbing] First Cyber Claus and now this?!


LILIT (as Xianna): Cyber Claus isn’t even a real thing! You made it up!

HUDSON (as Tink): No! It was in my family!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know what your family’s deal was, but that is not a thing anywhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): [dejected] Fine. Here’s your tea.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: We get a montage of Xianna just tapping the fire button on the turret. Remember that the turret on the ship is a really comfortable recliner that doesn’t move and the turret moves around you. So Xianna’s jiggling her leg impatiently as they slowly carve this tunnel down.

CAMERON: We cut to the cockpit. Karma’s got her feet up on the dash and has a plate of cucumber sandwiches and is just munching down since the ship’s not moving. [laughs] She just has it set in hover.

NICK: Yeah. So we can see through the cockpit over Karma’s newly abyss sea dragon scaled boots to this larger and larger cave that’s being dug into the ground with flashing turret fire as you eat some sandwiches and kind of basically watch the fireworks. After way, way longer than you had thought this would take, but with no personal risk to you or any need to think very hard or anything, your sensors indicate that your carved weapons tunnel has gone as low as the furthest chamber in this moon. It also has indicated that at some point this moon will now break apart, because you’ve carved a giant hole through the middle of it, but that’s not gonna happen for a while. There’s no pressing issue there.

LILIT: We’ll just fill the hole back in.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: [laughing] If we push the rocks back into the hole before we leave it’ll be fine.

NICK: What?! [laughs]

LILIT: I don’t see why not.

NICK: [grinning, indignant] Because you dug the hole with lasers! There’s no dirt anymore!

LILIT: The dirt evaporated?!

NICK: Sublimated, yes.

LILIT: I don’t know if it works that way. We’ll fill it up with concrete.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [grinning] Okay fine.

LILIT: I don’t want us to be responsible for the destruction of an entire moon.

NICK: It’s a small moon.

CAMERON: We’ll go get all of the rubble from the door that HK blew up and we’ll carry that over and drop it in the hole.

NICK: [long exhale] If y’all want to try to figure out a way to stabilize the moon after you get the artifact you can. That’s okay.

CAMERON: Does anyone have any duct tape?

NICK: [chuckles] Oh my gosh. So, the next thing we see is the Afternoon Delight settling back down into the landing pattern prints from before and the four of you disembarking again, breath masks on, again. In the distance we can see the little bubble that you had set up with the tea party sitting forlornly over by the now abandoned stairs.

There’s smoke rising from this new crater that you have dug. It’s like a very straight tunnel at a sharp angle on the way down. You get the impression that if you had been a little bit more careful with the shooting it probably would have been an easy walk, but the gradient’s very steep so it’s gonna be a little difficult to climb down. I’m gonna need Athletics checks from everybody.

CAMERON: Okay~ What difficulty Athletics check?

NICK: Hard. Xianna’s gonna have a rough time. Someone might wanna help Xianna. [laughs]

LILIT: What if we tie ropes to each other?

NICK: yeah, that would be a good idea.

LILIT: If I did that, would I get blue die?

NICK: Yes.

LILIT: Ha-ha~ Okay, so that is a triumph without the success and a threat.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

HUDSON: Do I get blue die too?

NICK: Sure. You’re tied to it. I’m assuming Karma was lead climbing, so…

CAMERON: Probably.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Okay. So Karma, you start climbing first. I think Xianna is in the middle and Tink is last. Xianna, you’re really struggling, and you slip and fall a couple of times. The ropes catch you. You don’t really get hurt, but it definitely slows you down, and you have pretty much no style points on this thing. By the end you’re breathing hard, you’re scraped up, it’s a little embarrassing.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning and seething] Oh shit. I should not have worn the tea hat down here, but I look too cute in it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Get good!

LILIT (as Xianna): It just obscures my vision too much, and it throws off my balance because it’s so big, but I look so fucking cute in it I didn’t want to take it off yet. Like, what if there’s a good selfie spot in this room?

HUDSON (as Tink): You make a good point, but—

CAMERON (as Karma): With the lighting down here I highly doubt there’s a good selfie spot.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean the lighting down in the tunnel, yes, but like… what if there is a good spot in the room? Because sometimes those treasure rooms have very good lighting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where would you even share this photo without us getting caught?

LILIT (as Xianna): … OnlyFans.


HUDSON (as Tink): Only Chadra-Fans only has Chadra-Fans.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because then it’s not really public. They have to pay me to get it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You have a point.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the cops can’t pay me for photos.

HUDSON (as Tink): They have to say if they’re a cop.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I have it right in my bio that you have to say if you’re a cop, and if you’re a cop you can’t buy my photos.

CAMERON: [exasperated exhale]

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): So like… they can’t get them.

LILIT: [giggles]

NICK: Lilit, would you like your triumph to be that the lighting in the treasure room is like really, really good?

LILIT: [smiling] Yes.


NICK: Okay. So, you get to the bottom of this dug tunnel. There’s a lot of melted glassy rock that is just cracking as it cools down at the base, you know, like when you dig with war weapons. It’s not particularly good on the environment or comfortable to use, but you did make it down. You can tell from the scans that the far wall is right on the other side of this final room of this facility that you have bypassed. You’re gonna need to do something to get through.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we have any detonators left?

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems like a very bad plan with us trapped in the tunnel that it’s all gonna come boom out of.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’re right, we would have to go up and then set them off. We could get like a half size, a tiny little one, and so it just goes through the wall.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just cut it with a vibro-knife.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, wait! I think I have a grenade left. So we could go halfway up, or like, we walk up the tunnel a little bit and then we just throw the grenade down at the wall, and then it should just blow up just the wall. That makes sense, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Foolproof!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, can you try hitting it with your axe first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hiyah!

HUDSON: I try to hit it with my axe.

NICK: Roll me an attack. You can have a blue die, because it’s a wall. Pretty easy to hit.

HUDSON: Four successes, five advantages.

NICK: Wow. Yeah. So you’re able to carve through this wall like a hot sword through paper. Describe how you open a doorway into this treasure room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey guys! I got to slice through this door like a hot sword through paper. You know, that thing everyone says?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that very popular saying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Some people think it is like a hot knife through butter, but it’s not.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s really not. That’s not the origin at least.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, because the hot knife would just melt the butter and then you would just have melted butter.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but through paper… yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): But through paper nothing is getting melted, so it works perfectly.

HUDSON: [laughs]

[smooth and slinky music begins]

HUDSON: As sweat glistens down my dirty body I walk toward the wall, both hands gripping the axe, twisting against the handle, and I slice across my chest with full force and let out a grunt as the axe glistens against the wall.

NICK: So you’re able to sensuously cut your way through this doorway.

[smooth and slinky music ends]

We see a quiet camera shot of this square kind of Spartan room, and then one of the side walls blows out and Tink comes stomping in caressing his axe. You all are standing at a new entrance to a simple room.

The walls that you just came through have threadbare tapestries that look to have been cheap to start with and not treated well by time. Scattered around the room are what look like to be handmade clay pots and platters, some of them broken from the flying rocks. There are hanging circular lights in each corner of the room that have the perfect white balance so everything is clearly illuminated and very flattering in angle. You can see in the corner there is a pottery wheel covered in dust, and seated opposite of the wall that you just cut through, on an aged and dusty cushion, you can see a desiccated body.

The corpse looks like it’s been there for years and years, the skin stretched tight under clothes that look very similar to what Sentinel wears. Normally seeing a corpse like this would be creepy, but even in this dark pit in a terrifying nebula after a running dogfight the room feels peaceful. The mummy looks content, sitting in a meditative pose on its old cushion. Nestled in its hands you can see a sphere about the size of a softball. It looks to be glowing from within and looks to be the only thing in this room without a trace of dust on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, ooh, I know this one. We have to find the correct little cup for the water, because if we don’t find the correct one we’ll become all old like that dude.

LILIT: Xianna’s in a corner taking selfies.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you go touch the dead body.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d actually like to pick up that orb, and luckily…

HUDSON: I pull out the ceramic ball from earlier.

HUDSON (as Tink): …I can replace it with this just in case it’s some kind of weird thing where it needs to be holding a ball.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, in case… Yeah, in case the ghost gets sad that they don’t have a ball anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a dead body not a ghost.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I’m sure the ghost is still inside the dead body or this room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK: [makes whooshing noises]

LILIT (as Xianna): Because sometimes the ghosts are still attached to the dead body.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, as I get closer, this uh… this doesn’t feel right. It feels like emptiness with indigestion with a little bit of shakiness.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh Tink, did you eat the smoked fish and cream cheese tea sandwich?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, I think HK had that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK cannot eat.

HUDSON (as Tink): What did he do with it then?

NICK (as HK): I cannot eat.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what did you do with it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa HK, when did you come down this tunnel?


LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes he just picks them up and then throws them away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… No, I didn’t eat it though.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I don’t think you are supposed to have the fish anymore either.

HUDSON (as Tink): That would have made sense, but o, it just feels weird. Never mind.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Let me come over and see.

LILIT: Xianna walks over, holds their arms out, and she just kinda walks around and spins a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think there is a draft in this area.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, okay, that must be it.

HUDSON: So I pick up the orb and I replace it with the ceramic orb that I cut from the wire earlier.

NICK: Make me a Coordination check.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: This one’s going to be average.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Nice. So you’re able to crouch down low in front of these hands that are holding this orb and very quickly swap the glowing orb for the ceramic ball you took from the earlier room, and nothing happens. The meditating mummy just continues to hold the ball. It’s fine, probably. You do feel more energetic holding the glowing orb. You feel just… better. You’re not sure what exactly it is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know exactly what this is, but… Oh! When you look at this dead guy do you think, like, do you get a craving for banana taffy? Am I the only one?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): I did want a banana pudding.

HUDSON (as Tink): But like, you see the skin, you know how it’s like stretched?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. That is not… not at all. No.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I just wanted banana pudding because I like banana pudding.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know, something about this body just… man, I just want some taffy.

CAMERON (as Karma): That… That’s disturbing, Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not like I want to eat the body, it just reminded me. It just… something about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is weird, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whatever.

LILIT (as Xianna): Even for you. That one is weird. I don’t… Maybe you should just think about why you made that association.

CAMERON: Karma’s just walking around the room picking up pieces of pottery that weren’t smashed by the rocks flying in and examining them and setting them back down, just looking for the perfect piece to take back to the Afternoon Delight.

NICK: Some of them got smashed as you blew through this wall, some of them it looks like fell off of shelves and broke as the entire moon was shaken by your bombardment, but there are quite a few still together. What is the perfect piece that Karma finds? This piece of presumably Jedi pottery.

CAMERON: I want just like a really big turkey serving plate.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just like a massive oval plate.

NICK: Big honkin’ platter.


NICK: What color is it?

CAMERON: Um… it’s like a nice sky blue.

NICK: Okay, so it’s got a good glaze on it.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Which is interesting because there’s no kiln in here ,but—

CAMERON: Shh! It’s fine.

LILIT: You know pottery can be made and then brought into another room~

NICK: What? Nuh-uh.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: The kiln room was one of the ones that was in between the second room and this room.

NICK: It was actually. You have the orb and you have this large serving platter. So, you begin your climb back up the tunnel. Xianna, you struggle again, but you got some really good selfies out of it, a triumphantly well-lit selfie even. So as you climb out of the tunnel you can feel the moon’s orbit having shifted a little bit like a strange momentum in your ears, and you know from the scanners that eventually this moon’s gonna rattle itself apart because of the hole that you dug through the core.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh wait, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you know anyone who works in like construction or… could like go fill that hole up with some cement so there is not just a giant hole on this little moon?

CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably find a service in the space yellow pages.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or just like fill it up with the similar dirt. It doesn’t have to be concrete.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: As we reach the lip of the tunnel and are now back on strong land Karma kicks a few rocks down into the tunnel that were thrown off by the initial laser blasts, filling in with what’s there, but there’s not enough material here anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because apparently the ship lasers do not just blow up the dirt and throw it around, it “sublimates” the dirt or something, so there’s no excess dirt to fill back into the hole, so we have to get dirt from somewhere else to do it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, do you need something to fill this hole?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s what we’re talking about.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, but also not in that way, but also yes.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t wink, you winked.

LILIT (as Xianna): I winked when you said it, yes.


HUDSON (as Tink): So, luckily, I have a friend, Donny Donaldson, who could absolutely fill this hole. They’re a contractor and they have a lot of space dirt.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! I don’t know if there are any living things on this tiny moon but like theoretically we do want a similar type of dirt.

HUDSON (as Tink): Similar type of dirt…

LILIT (as Xianna): So as to not throw off the whole ecosystem or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you want to stabilize it, it needs to be similar to the rock so that it actually stabilizes it and it serves the purpose of filling it back in to equalize the mass again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, a similar mass, what Karma said.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you want me to just give Donny a call?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON: I just call Donny, like on the spot.

[quirky music begins]

LILIT (as Donny): Uh, ‘ello, this is Donny Donaldson.

HUDSON (as Tink): Donny, ‘ey! This is Tink. How’s it going?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh hey Tink. How’s it goin’?

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] That’s what I asked you.

LILIT (as Donny): Well, you know, you just say it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, psh, you know I was never good with small talk. Anyways. So uh, I got this hole that needs to be filled, you know what I mean?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, I know what you mean, but also just to clarify, you do mean a construction hole that I would then fill with dirt and/or concrete?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that. Exactly.

LILIT (as Donny): Okay. I can do.


LILIT (as Donny): I mean, I could help you with the other problem, but you know, that one would just have to be off the books if you catch my drift.

HUDSON (as Tink): I love how little information that you need from me before you agree to a job, Donny. This is why we’re friends.


LILIT (as Donny): I mean Tink, I’ve known you for so many years.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. We go way back.

LILIT (as Donny): We go way back. So far back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, what I’ll do is I’ll just ship you the…

LILIT (as Donny): You know what, all you gotta do is just give me a pin of your location and then I’ll come over there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well we’re not gonna stick around that much longer, but I can send you some pics.

LILIT (as Donny): You can just, you know, wire me the money, and you know, drop a pin for the location, and I’ll just head on over there, fill up this there hole, and you know… we don’t even need to meet in person. If it’s just filling a hole I can do that in my sleep.

HUDSON (as Tink): I believe it. I believe it. Just real quick, don’t mention to anyone that I called you, you know? Just put something else down on the books, not my name.

LILIT (as Donny): Well you know, doctor-patient confidentiality.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Yeah!

LILIT (as Donny): Seeing as how you are my doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, that’s right!

LILIT (as Donny): It works both ways. It works both ways.


HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. How could I forget?

LILIT (as Donny): So uh… did you want dirt or concrete for this there hole?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, do we want dirt or concrete for this there hole?

CAMERON (as Karma): Probably concrete.

HUDSON (as Tink): Probably concrete, Donny.

LILIT (as Donny): Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay, uh, well do you mind if I do partial dirt and then concrete on the top?

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounds fine.

LILIT (as Donny): Or do you want concrete all the way up there?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, I think I’m gonna go with, uh, do the combo mix.

LILIT (as Donny): Okay-okay. You know, just checking, that combo mix will save you a few bucks, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well Donny, this has been great interaction, but I think I gotta go. I’ll send you that ping with my coordinates and a couple pictures so you can be ready and know where to put the dirt.

LILIT (as Donny): Thanks. Thanks, and once I get those I’ll get you an estimate and then I’ll head on over there, fill that hole up for ya real nice.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you always do a nice job, Donny. Thank you so much.

LILIT (as Donny): Well, you know my company motto…

[quirky music ends]

…Donny Donaldson, I’ll fill your hole.

[extended laughter]

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Shit!


## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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