Transcript: S2 Episode 10: An Evening Blockbuster

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 10:
An Evening Blockbuster

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

A friendly reminder that soon we’re adding a new periodic segment to Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our bonus feed, for $5 and up patrons. We’ll be answering fan letters in character for patrons who write in. If you have any questions or want advice from a character or NPC and you’re a $5 and up patron, send your letters in to the email or through a Patreon message. Feel free to submit as many letters as you’d like, and we’ll be answering them in short segments to publish to the Underwear Drawer in the coming months. Additional specific info is available through the Patreon.

Thank you again for your podcast reviews and Patreon support which helps us to keep going and grow the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 10. I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s raining! … That’s all—

HUDSON: Men! Hallelujah!

LILIT: It’s raining men!

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh my god! I was gonna start singing that too!

NICK: No, it’s literally water is actually just falling out of the sky, like normal water, not like men water.


CAMERON: Not like men water.

LILIT: Nick, I hate to inform you, but men water is something very different than raining men.

NICK: I have two different possibilities of what that might mean, and I wanna keep it a mystery. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit. I am playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and man water means one thing to me. So…

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Sweat?

LILIT: Nope!

NICK: Okay.


NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Also, I bought ranks on my new talent tree, Charmer. Kill Them With Kindness: I can remove a black die per rank of the skill on all Charm and Leadership checks. And a Grit, so I now have another strain.

NICK: Oh nice.

LILIT: Because I am small and need it.


NICK: Awesome! Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: My name is Hudson! Hallelujah! I’m playing Tink! Amen!


HUDSON: Uh, who’s a Gigoran slicer, and I didn’t use any of my points this time.

NICK: Gosh, that segue was just solid as heck. I was not—Oh wow. That was very good. Thank you very much for that rendition. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am also hoarding points.

NICK: Wonderful. So, before we get started with the recap, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One light side.

LILIT: One light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

NICK: There we go.

CAMERON: Ba-da-dum. {foreboding tune}

NICK: So we got two light side, one dark side?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: When we last left off, the squad had lost a volleyball game.


NICK: The reward of hooch was given to Jeyb, and we last left off with the squad and their volleyball teammates walking back towards the cell block talking about how they really needed to kill somebody and debating about who that would be. Just out on the prison yard, that was the conversation y’all were having. You all head back into the south cell block, and you notice that people are not heading back to their cells like you thought, they actually walk past the cells and down a little hallway to a building you haven’t been in before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, where’s everyone going?

NICK (as Ziller): Oh, you don’t know, brother? It’s movie night.

NICK (as Blue): I’m not sure what movie we’re watching tonight, but if we want to continue that conversation, I have to sit in the back anyway because otherwise people can’t see around me, so let’s all just try to get the back row.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sounds like a plan to me.

NICK: So you join the stream of prisoners as they head into a large auditorium. It actually has movie theater seating. The seats are just kind of creaky and threadbare, and there’s an old worn holo screen on the far wall that a projector on the back wall is aimed towards, and prisoners are rapidly filling in. You’re one of the last ones there, but you do see that there’s some seats in the back two rows. There’s two up against the wall and three one row up before it. Blue starts to head that direction and says…

NICK (as Blue): Come on, I’ll make sure we all get a seat.

NICK: …and goes to the back row and grabs somebody by the shoulder and picks them up out of the seat with one arm and gently chucks them a couple of seats down to make space for everybody.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: So, where do you all sit?

LILIT: Xianna of course goes sits in the back row.

HUDSON: I have a big smile on my face and I go sit in the back row commenting how this is like a real movie theater with sticky floors and it makes me excited.

LILIT (as Xianna): [slightly whining] That is the worst part of a movie theater.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but it just brings the experience together, you know?

CAMERON: Karma takes the row right in front of that one and scoots over to where she’s now sitting in front of Xianna and leans back.

CAMERON (as Karma): The sticky floors are really gross, but they do bring back memories, I guess, so I can kind of see where you’re coming from, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): There we go.

CAMERON: And sits down.

LILIT: Xianna turns to Blue.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Do they give us popcorn at this prison movie night? Because sometimes they give you popcorn.

NICK (as Blue): Where have you been that gives you popcorn?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, which prison was it? Um…  No, it is not the Tatooine one. One of the Corellian prisons you got popcorn for movie night. It was just like a little container, but you still got popcorn.

HUDSON: I start eating popcorn.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Where did you get your popcorn?!

HUDSON (as Tink): … What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did you get your popcorn?

HUDSON: I point down.

LILIT (as Xianna): On the floor…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tell me you’re not pointing to the floor.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s like free popcorn.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Did they put the containers underneath the seat? Is that what happened?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, this one was in a container at one point I would imagine, but not anymore. It’s just a pile, but the top of the pile is clean.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no, no Tink, you can’t eat that popcorn. That is bad popcorn.

NICK: Tadzi turns around in their seat and gently touches Xianna’s knee.

NICK (as Tadzi): Don’t reach under the seat. It’s gonna be really gross under there. I don’t know how long that popcorn’s been there ,but you’re not like really attached to Tink, are you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess not. Thank you for warning me about the seat, though. I probably would have reached underneath it if it wasn’t for you.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… you have been a good friend so far, and I will miss you when you are gone.


LILIT (as Xianna): However, can I have your closet space on the ship when you are gone?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what, because of your kind, kind words and the fact that no one ever says things like that to me, yes, yes you can.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. I know we have empty bedrooms, but—

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] I was gonna say.

LILIT (as Xianna): But your closet has a built-in mirror and a rotating cloak hanger, and it is very nice, and I would like to use it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what, you’re welcome to it if I’m gone, and you never know, this life is pretty crazy. You were talking about reaching under the seat. Did you know one time under the seat of a movie theater chair I found a Human baby?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Like a whole baby?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Someone left it there. They must have mixed it up with the popcorn or the big soda. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Ziller): To be fair, a popcorn bucket is about the size of a small Human child. That does make a lot of sense that you could get those confused.

LILIT (as Xianna): Especially if you get one of the movie promotion ones where you can bring it back and get free refills. Those are baby sized.

HUDSON (as Tink): They are baby sized. The family came back. They were worried.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Okay. That’s good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so you stole a baby.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No-no.

LILIT (as Xianna): You stole a baby!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no. The family came back. It was just a big misunderstanding. The baby’s fine now. We keep in touch.

CAMERON (as Karma): You and the family or you and the baby?

HUDSON (as Tink): Me and the baby.

LILIT (as Xianna): How long ago was this?

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it was a long, long time ago, far, far away from here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay…

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah… Anyway, back to the point, please don’t eat that popcorn.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, you know what, starting to feel a little rumbly in the tummy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Start a food fight or something. Don’t eat it. Don’t put that in your mouth.

HUDSON (as Tink): Food fights in the movie theater start with Raisinets. They don’t start with popcorn every time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well, I don’t see any Raisinets, so I think you’re limited on your food fight choices is what I’m saying.

NICK: Around this point some more prison guards come into the theater as the last of the prisoners take their seats. The doors are shut. There’s a guard standing at each door. Standing down by the screen you can see an HK unit guard that is holding a stun rifle.

NICK (as HK): Tonight is movie night. You will all be quiet during your required entertainment time. Anyone who disrupts movie night will be summarily stunned and thrown in solitary. Are there any questions?

HUDSON (as Tink): What does summarily mean?

NICK: HK looks down the barrel of his stun rifle at you, and there’s a long pause.

NICK (as HK): Oh, Tink, normally I would stun someone for asking questions during the “are there any questions” time. This time I won’t. You’ve been warned, prisoner.

[old-fashioned film sound effects begin alongside timely music]

NICK: The lights go down, and the screen flickers to life, and the viewers start to cheer as you see the title The Hunt for the Red Ortolan flash across the screen. Then the camera starts to dive under some shimmery waves, and we see a large underwater ship go by, and everyone gets quiet, and you have some time to talk as the movie starts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Here’s the game plan. I nominate everyone else to come up with a game plan.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a… Good job, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I’m really good at being a leader.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Very impressed with your leadership skills.

LILIT (as Xianna): From what we have already talked about, we are going to start a riot. Yes? And then we kill Falx? Or do we kill Big Jeyb? Or both? Who are we killing?

NICK (as Ziller): I would strongly prefer that we kill Big Jeyb at least first.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! He also has all the moonshine and stuff which we will  need to make the riot even bigger.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, bigger riot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Very true… I have no strong feelings or need to kill Falx. If we encounter him at some point and a fight is necessary, I’m not opposed to that, but I’m not invested enough in it to go hunt him down for that purpose, whereas Big Jeyb has supplies we need, so I’m leaning more that direction.

NICK (as Tadzi): Karma and the warden sitting in a tree.

CAMERON (as Karma): [admonishing] Tadzi.

LILIT (as Xianna): K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Because they are going to be kissing.

NICK (as Tadzi): Thank you, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or F-U-C-K-I-N-G.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs heavily]

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounds inappropes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes!

NICK (as Tadzi): Have you tried to do that in a tree though? It’s really hard to stay balanced.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I haven’t actually.

NICK (as Tadzi): Well you probably did in like a kelp forest or something, right Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): [sarcastically] Uh, yeah, definitely, kelp forest on turtleback.

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, I’ve done that position.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tadzi, I told you about that one time that I tried to do it in a tree and it did not go well, but it is possible. It could be done.

NICK (as Tadzi): I’m not saying it isn’t possible, I’m just saying the risk versus reward seems a little out of balance to me.

CAMERON (as Karma): It sounds like it’d be a little bit scratchy.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, that too. Hey, some people are into that though.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s like when people talk about doing it on a beach. It’s like, I don’t want sand there.

NICK (as Tadzi): You’re literally, like, that’s how your species reproduces.

CAMERON (as Karma): Underwater is different than laying on sand!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like when you are naked on the sand it is coarse and rough and it gets everywhere… and I mean everywhere. Tadzi, this is a problem we had growing up. We are from a desert.

NICK (as Tadzi): Yeah, that’s a fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just everywhere.

NICK: Blue leans over and seems to sit next to all of you at once, because she’s so big.

NICK (as Blue): If we could set Karma’s personal crushes on the warden aside…

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated sigh]

NICK (as Blue): …my focus would be on us getting out of here in one piece. I only have a couple of years left on my sentence, but frankly I’m tired of it. I ran out of weights I can lift, and it’s time to go, so as long as you help me escape as well I’m willing to chip in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we also have to get Sentinel, so we will have to get Tink to a computer, and then he can hack into the system with the keyboards and stuff and open the doors.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s how it works.

CAMERON (as Karma): And turn off the turrets, because that hallway is very dangerous.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, and maybe any cameras, or like loop the cameras like they do in the movies so it looks like the empty hallways but it’s not the empty hallways.

NICK: From the screen we see an orange Rodian with an eyepatch standing dramatically at the helm of this underwater ship.

NICK (as Neato): Some things don’t react well to bullets in here, commander.

NICK: And everybody in the audience cheers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I always thought it was weird for this movie that they just have him doing his natural accent when he is supposed to be from… when he is supposed to be from Pantora. Like, that was weird, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t imagine that Neato has the ability to not speak like that though, so they may have just given up and just been like, you know, he’s a high caliber actor, we want him in our movie, part of his thing is the voice.

NICK (as Neato): Full speed ahead. Damn the torpedoes.

CAMERON (as Karma): See?

LILIT (as Xianna): But everyone else is doing a Pantoran accent which is the confusing part.

[old-fashioned music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Without the voice I wouldn’t know it was Neato.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is there some sort of secret backstory where like he was adopted into Pantorans or something that I am not aware of? Is it one of those things where there’s like an extended universe and you have to read the side books to get all of the little information?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I can’t say I’ve read any of them, so I’m not sure.

NICK: A Rodian seated in the seats in front of you turns around and says:

NICK (as Rodian): Hey! Shush! I’m trying to watch the movie.

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

NICK (as Rodian): What do you mean, me, shh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

NICK: And from the front you hear a stun rifle charging, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): The prisoners will be silent or the prisoners will be stunned and dragged unceremonially from the theater.

NICK (as Rodian): Look, now you got me in trouble.

CAMERON (as Karma): Shh!

CAMERON: Karma turns back to everyone.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m cool with everyone here coming with us in the end game of this plan, which is escape.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ziller, what do you say?

NICK: Ziller makes eye contact with you, Tink.

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t have any reason that I wouldn’t want to escape. Nope. Definitely don’t have all of my krayt dragon eggs in one basket. Absolutely willing to collaborate on this in exchange for my freedom. Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): You sound sarcastic.

NICK (as Ziller): Nope! This is, uh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay, so that was concerning… and Xianna’s just gonna like squint at him.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a weird way to word it.

LILIT: And wants to do Perception? Skulduggery… Streetwise.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: I think it’s Outer Rim Lore.

NICK: I think it’s Perception.

LILIT: I’mma use a light side point.

NICK: It’s gonna be against two red and a purple.

LILIT: One success and six advantages.

NICK: Wow. I’ll let you spend those advantages how you would like. I can tell you from the success, he’s lying.

CAMERON: Whaaat?

NICK: Ziller seems very nervous about the idea of everyone trying to escape, and you know that it has probably something to do with what Tink told you all about Ziller working with Falx as a nark and that clearly Ziller still is thinking there’s a way to salvage that relationship and may need to be persuaded otherwise or cut loose, but if he’s cut loose you don’t know what he’s gonna do. I would say with that amount of advantages you can basically succeed on persuading him, you just have to decide what your avenue of attack is.

LILIT: Okay. Xianna leans away from the rest of the group so that just Ziller can hear her, and she whispers to him.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ziller, it sounds like you are a fucking nark. Is that what is happening?

NICK: You didn’t know it was possible to see someone flop-sweat when they’re covered in fur, but he does immediately become sweaty and shifty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Am I correct?

NICK (as Ziller): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as Ziller): Nark is a strong word. I have hedged my bets.

LILIT (as Xianna): So I am correct, you are a nark. So, here’s the thing, if you escape with us then whoever you are ratting to can’t hurt you because you are not in the prison anymore. You see how that makes sense?

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t think you understand how powerful Falx is. He can find you anywhere.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no, he is actually not very good at that. Falx is, um, not that good actually. He’s kind of a mess. Also, wait no, we agreed we are not killing Falx, however if we see Falx in the future outside of the prison we can kill him. Also, if you just like change your name he won’t find you.

NICK (as Ziller): You speak like you have experience.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Ziller): O-Oh…

NICK: Will you make me a Charm check with three blue dice for all of your advantages you got on the Perception?


NICK: It’s average difficulty. He wants to believe you.

LILIT: I have four successes and one advantage.

NICK (as Ziller): Alright, as long as you can guarantee my safety against Falx, who seems to me to be very intelligent and well thought out. I’m very intimidated by him in multiple ways, but if you don’t think he’s actually that good… then yeah, I’m in. Let’s escape this place.

LILIT (as Xianna): We will get you out of here. We will escape. We will get you to some other planet and you just change your name, and that is almost all you have to do to get away from Falx.

NICK (as Ziller): It just seems like, with his attention to detail and level of success in a bureaucracy, that wouldn’t be enough to take you off of his radar.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, so him getting the prison job was a demotion, if he even got it that way. He used to be much more important and then he got in trouble and he had no money. [gasps] Did he have to take this job because he had no money left?

NICK (as Ziller): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that why he had to do it?

NICK (as Ziller): I don’t know…

LILIT (as Xianna): He was broke and couldn’t figure out how to do the crime anymore?

NICK (as Ziller): He sort of insinuated to me that this was part of a bigger plan, but the more we talk about it the less confident I am that he’s thought it all the way through. Yeah, let’s plan this thing, I’m totally in, and if we happen to kill Falx along the way… all the better.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, he does not scan files if you give them to him, so you can just like give him whatever you want and you can just give all of his computers malware. It is very fun. He is surprisingly trusting for someone as devious as him.

NICK (as Ziller): Good to know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, end sidebar.

LILIT: Xianna turns back to everyone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Don’t pay attention to what we were doing over there. It is not important.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. We are going to riot? Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to right, not left.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, riot.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to go to the right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ri-ot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Riot.

LILIT (as Xianna): RI-OT.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re gonna ri– ride a yacht.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because the Afternoon Delight is indeed a yacht.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we will eventually get on it.

NICK (as Tadzi): Tink, if you keep giving Xiann a hard time for her accent I’m going to stab you in whatever a Gigoran has for a liver.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tadzi.

NICK (as Tadzi): You’re welcome.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy, stammering] Okay…

CAMERON (as Karma): After talking about the arteries earlier, I’m not really positive about Gigoran anatomy anymore.

NICK (as Tadzi): Then maybe I’ll just have to stab multiple times.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m bleeding out.

NICK (as Tadzi): Oh, it stopped, calm down. You’re fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what, you are bleeding out, and so you are probably also going to die from the floor popcorn… [gasps] We will start a small riot here and then use that as a way to get you to the infirmary. We will sneak away while they are distracted with the shooting and stuff and we will go to the infirmary and we will get you healed up, and then we will use the computers in there, and instead of checking on the medical files you can hack into the systems!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah. I am pretty good at that. I haven’t touched a computer in so long.

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been like two weeks.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s just been so long.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been like two weeks.

NICK (as Blue): If you need someone to kick this thing off, I’m about done with this movie anyway, I’ve already seen it.

NICK: The Rodian turns around again.

NICK (as Rodian): Shh! No spoilers!

NICK: Blue looks at the Rodian and says:

NICK (as Blue): At the end of this Neato goes to Montana and gets a bunch of rabbits.

NICK: The Rodian gets really mad.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we start riot in here, small one, and then Tink and I go to the infirmary, get to the computers, and then karma, you…

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve got it set up with HK that I can get into the armory and get weapons for everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): So then you get us the weapons.

CAMERON (as Karma): For the big riot. If anyone has any specific weapons requests please let me know and I’ll do my best to find you something that fits those requirements.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just want a small blaster, not a big one. I am small.

CAMERON (as Karma): Something that might use Ranged: Light, you might say?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): One that is small enough for me to carry, so I would like that. So then while Tink and I are getting to the computers and stuff, you go get the weapons, and then we meet up at Jeyb’s cell, and then we kill Jeyb, steal  his moonshine and use the moonshine to fuel the riot and make the riot even bigger! And then the riot will be so big that all the guards will be distracted and we can easily get our whole group and Sentinel to the air vents in the library without having to be quite as sneaky, and then we can leave.

NICK: Xianna yelling “make the riot bigger” was covered by a large explosion on the holo screen, but you can see the glowing yellow eyes of HK at the front of the theater just staring straight at you all. The left eye flickers on and off a couple of times.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you talked about weapons request, uh, I got one.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is your request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d like a contraband slingshot, please.

CAMERON (as Karma): [confused] Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a weapon. Don’t act like it’s not a weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I was thinking more like an axe or a sharp pointy object for you. I can get you a slingshot though, if they have one.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if the balls that you put in the slingshot generally, or the rocks or whatever, they can be sharp.

CAMERON (as Karma): [trying real hard] Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): But we could just get you like a big axe or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, like a vibro-axe?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a lot better at that than slingshots actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s what I was saying. [laughs]

NICK: Blue leans over.

NICK (as Blue): You can get Tink a slingshot if he wants, but if you could just get me the largest heavy repeating blaster you can find I’ll make good use of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Noted.

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless you want an actual, quote, “contraband slingshot,” end quote. We can get you that, but that is I don’t think what you think it is.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It must not be. And by the way, why do you call it a heavy repeating blaster instead of heavy blaster blaster?

NICK (as Blue): Because it repeats when you fire.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, not the name. Got it.

NICK (as Blue): Like, duka-duka-duka-duka-duka… you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. I thought it was the name “blaster” was repeating, and I thought people were just doing a shortcut that wasn’t really a shortcut.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Blue): Oh, you mean like WWW is actually longer to say than World Wide Holonet?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.


LILIT (as Xianna): I thought it was the WWE not the WWW.

HUDSON (as Tink): The World Wildlife Wrestling Federation?


LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s what they used to call it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): But now they are doing something with giant vats of mimosas, so like I don’t know what’s going on anymore.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay, so it looks like if you get us some melee weapons and some blasters from the armory we should be good to go, but what’s the rest of this plan? Where are we meeting up? What all are we doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are meeting up at Big Jeyb’s cell.

NICK (as Ziller): Yeah, you did say that.

LILIT (as Xianna): So that we can murder Big Jeyb and steal all of his moonshine in order to make the Mandalore cocktails in order to really ramp up the riot.

NICK (as Ziller): Okay.

[old-fashioned music returns]

NICK: On the movie screen Neato is standing dramatically on a chair in this underwater spaceship. One of the other officers is clasped dramatically to his leg and looking at him adoringly.

NICK (as Neato): We found it. We found the Red Ortolan. Now all we have to do is befriend it so that we can go to war.

[old-fashioned music ends]

NICK: The Rodian in front of you is mumbling to himself.

NICK (as Rodian): I really thought that this movie would make more sense than it is.

NICK (as Tadzi): So if we need to start a small riot here, I think if you all have plans for getting supplies and everything, we’ve got Blue and Ziller and I… I think we’re probably gonna be able to kick this thing off in a big way. Should we get started?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tadzi, did you have a weapons request?

NICK (as Tadzi): Knives please.

CAMERON (as Karma): Knives, noted.

NICK (as Tadzi): Vibro-knives if you got ‘em.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so we start riot and then in, say, 30 minutes we meet at the cell of Big Jeyb.

NICK (as Ziller): Big Jeyb, northern cell block, right? Up towards the back? It’s two combined with the wall knocked down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, with the weird toilet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Ziller): I haven’t actually been. I was trying to avoid the…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Well, sorry. There’s a detail for you.

NICK (as Tadzi): Alright, well if that’s what we’re doing…

NICK: Tadzi leans forward in their chair and flicks the back of the Rodian’s head.

NICK (as Rodian): Cut it out.

NICK: Tadzi waits a second… and flicks the back of the Rodian’s head.

NICK (as Tadzi): Hey, you know this movie ends with everyone dying, right?

NICK: And the Rodian slaps his hands on his knees and stands up.

NICK (as Rodian): That’s it! All I wanted to do was watch the movie! You all are being so disruptive talking about whatever the heck you were talking about. This movie won awards! People talk about it all the time even though it’s old, and I’ve never seen it, and it’s the only good thing that’s happening right now!

NICK (as HK): The prisoners are becoming unruly.

NICK: [whooshing sound of HK’s gun activating] And starts to walk up the stairs towards the Rodian.

NICK (as Rodian): Yeah, stun me. I’m the one that’s making the disruptions. Clearly I’m the one who is the problem and should be stunned for speaking up about people being polite in a movie!

NICK (as HK): Instructions acknowledged.

NICK: And shoots him with his stun blaster, and the Rodian slides down into his seat unconscious. HK starts to stalk up the stairs towards the Rodian.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, it won awards for best costuming, and everyone knows that you can win best costume awards and still be a really shitty movie.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. It can look gorgeous but it can still have a terrible plot.

NICK: Blue turns to you all.

NICK (as Blue): Oh, you mean like the Phantom Menace?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that movie about—

CAMERON (as Karma): The angry baby ghost!

LILIT (as Xianna): The angry—Yes.

NICK: HK has the Rodian by the back of his prison jumpsuit and his head whips around at 90 degrees and stares straight into Karma.

NICK (as HK): You did not just say baby ghost.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, in retrospect, I apologize. [laughs]

NICK (as HK): That’s more like it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Forgot your thing. But while you have graced me by speaking to me, esteemed guard, would you like assistance removing that very disruptive Rodian from the room?

NICK (as HK): Why would I need assistance?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I’m just thinking that, you know, since you’re gonna have to use both arms to pick him up it’s gonna be difficult if you have to stun anybody else for misbehaving, so I’m thinking if I could carry him for you then that leaves your hands free for lots of shooting.

NICK (as HK): This is a good point. I am convinced. Prisoner, your new task is to carry this dangerous Rodian. Come with me as we take them to solitary.

CAMERON (as Karma): Will do.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the Rodian and does a little wave to the group and follows HK out.

NICK: As you start to walk down the stairs, one of the other guards says:

NICK (as guard): Hey HK, where are you going with that Nautolan?

NICK (as HK): Oh, don’t worry about it, I needed help carrying them because I have such thin arms, and also that keeps my hands free for stunning any additional threats.

NICK (as guard): Oh yeah, that’s a good strategy, HK. You have fun there.

NICK (as HK): Thank you so much, and maybe later if you want to go somewhere alone with me I can talk to you more about these details.

NICK: The guard looks kind of confused as you walk by, and you go out the door.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, it kinda sounded like you were asking him out, just so you’re aware of how that came across.

NICK (as HK): Now that you say that I can see how that would be construed that way, but it seems irrelevant considering I want to kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I understand your motives, but what I’m saying is just I think that’s where his mind went.

NICK (as HK): Well, as long as he’s happy I guess that’s fine either way, and then I will kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] Okay.

NICK (as HK): Why did we leave? What’s going on?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, so, you remember that we had discussed going to arm ourselves? It is that time.

NICK (as HK): Oh, wonderful. Xianna promised that there would be a riot and that I would get to shoot so many people. Is that still on the table?

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s coming, and that is why we all need additional weapons so we can join you in the shooting.

NICK (as HK): Perfect. Well, if you want to dump that Rodian any-old-where we can head over to the administration building. I think the two of us should be able to infiltrate without too many problems.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sounds like a plan.

CAMERON: Karma opens a closet door, sets the Rodian inside, and then closes the door.

NICK: We get a shot of the Rodian twisted and uncomfortable-looking sprawled over some mop buckets, and then the door shuts and HK says…

NICK (as HK): Alright, well follow me

NICK: …and starts to head out of the cell block and into the night headed towards the administration building. So, Karma has left with HK, they are heading to the armory, you all have the theater, everyone is settled down as the movie is coming to a conclusion, and Blue asks:

NICK (as Blue): So, is it time for a distraction?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is time to riot.

NICK (as Blue): It’s been a good two to three days since the last one of those I was involved in.

NICK: And stands up, and she yells at the screen.

NICK (as Blue): Highlander was also a bad movie!

NICK: And starts wading down the seats towards the screen, and different prisoners stand up and start grabbing onto Blue, and the guards start to fire blasters, and it just descends into chaos very quickly. Tadzi grabs Xianna on the shoulder and says:

NICK (as Tadzi): Stay safe until I can find you again, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Will do. Okay, Tink, we must go now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yes.

NICK: Tadzi jumps onto Ziller’s shoulders and says…

NICK (as Tadzi): Forward!

NICK: …and they start running off down into the crowd too.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie Tink, we are going to the infirmary. We are going to be sneaky.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. I love being sneaky.

NICK: You all are able to slide out of a door pretty easily, because the guards are a little occupied by the giant mosh pit that movie night has just turned into. Can I get a Stealth roll from both of you?

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because the guards are distracted by the riot?

HUDSON: Can I have a blue die because the guards are distracted by the riot?

NICK: Do we want to just make it a collaborative Stealth check?

HUDSON: yeah, collab.

LILIT: So that would just give me another blue die?

HUDSON: Yeah, because I’m helping.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty, Nick?

NICK: We’re gonna say hard, because it is a prison.

LILIT: Okay. Six successes and one threat.

NICK: Wow. So you all are able to very quickly make your way to the clinic. There’s a few guards that go running past heading towards the small riot happening in the theater, and the clinic door is locked, but you’re able to get it open very easily, Xianna, by Skulduggery-ing your way through the lock, but as you open the door there is a prison guard in there who is actively shoveling medicine into his pockets.

NICK (as guard): Uh… what are y’all doing here? You’re supposed to be at movie night.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Things are going downhill with the movie night, and my friend here is injured and must be given medical attention.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yes, very injured.

NICK (as guard): Oh wow, you got stabbed good. That also looks kind of old. You didn’t come to get medical attention any earlier?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh—

LILIT (as Xianna): We had to go to movie night.

HUDSON (as Tink): The door was locked, too.

NICK (as guard): Yeah, I locked it because I’m stealing medicine, I mean appropriating resources for the greater good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I love the greater good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, big fan.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I’m gonna get some medical care now. We’ll turn a blind eye to whatever you’re doing. We’re fine, we’re all good here.

NICK: You wanna roll me a Charm check, Tink?


NICK: It’s gonna be average but with a black die, because this whole situation is very strange.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a failure and a disadvantage.

NICK: Oh. So you do not succeed in convincing this guard to leave you alone while you get medical care, but something kind of unrelated and good happens from this conversation. What do you think that is?

HUDSON: We’re part of the same fraternity in college.

NICK (as guard): Tink, is that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Oh… Brother?

[collegiate trumpet music begins]

NICK (as guard): I haven’t seen you since your days at Coronet University. How have you been, man? Well obviously not good, because you’re in jail and have been stabbed recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Had better days, but you know, no complaints overall. What about you?

NICK (as guard): Oh, you know, I’ve just been… doing the guard thing. It’s what I’ve always done. Selling drugs on the side, stealing from the tax payers, pretty standard stuff. We used to do something kind of similar to this in school, remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): [with a chuckle] Oh yeah. Do you remember the chant?

NICK (as guard): I sure do. Let’s do it at the same time.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright!

NICK & HUDSON (as guard & Tink): Hooga, hooga, hooga, awooga!

NICK (as guard): Yeah, that’s the chant.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah…

NICK (as guard): We got it.

NICK: And he gives you a high-five which tweaks your wound in your side.

HUDSON (as Tink): [pained grunt]

LILIT: Xianna is frozen in place, eyes wide as the moon, just mouth agape, staring at this.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as guard): Well, uh, be honest with me here, pal. Are you here because you just want medical supplies off-hours or are you trying to do something else?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if you have to know, I wanted to check my email and get medical attention.

NICK (as guard): I can see that. That’s why your friend’s here, right, to help you with the medical part?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK (as guard): Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head and snaps out of it.

[collegiate trumpet music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes… both the medical and checking his emails. Also, if you want me to open some of these other locked cabinets I can do that for you, if you want to just ignore us even more.

NICK (as guard): That does sound pretty good. Tell you what, that’s where they keep the really expensive stuff back there. I don’t have a key. If you can get that open, I’ll take some stuff and leave and we just never saw each other. How does that sound?

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds wonderful. Yes.

NICK (as guard): Perfect. Well, let’s get started.

NICK: We’re gonna cut away from you all to Karma. I need you and HK to do a collaborative Stealth check, please.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s the difficulty? Is it also hard, because we’re in a prison?

NICK: Hard. Yeah, because you’re in a prison, yep.

CAMERON: Yup, fair. Three successes and a triumph.

NICK: [laughing] Three successes and a triumph. Just describe how you end up in front of the armory in the admin building.

CAMERON: What areas do we have to walk through?

NICK: You have to walk out of the cell block through the mess hall towards the next cell block and then there’s a side way that goes towards the admin building from there, so it’s a pretty long journey, but you are like the night, no one sees you, and also something fortuitous happens.

CAMERON: It’s like a Scooby Doo episode if a Scooby Doo episode was set in a jail because they were researching some jail monster, like a baby ghost potentially.

NICK (as HK): Hey, watch it.

CAMERON: I’m not talking in character right now, HK. Hush.

NICK: [laughs]

[electronic music begins]

CAMERON: So, they’re just walking normally down hallways. Every time a guard turns the corner suddenly they’re no longer in the hallway and they’re either, like, standing in a cell or they’re standing in different cells on opposite sides of the hallway, and then when the guard passes they both peek their head out and look. There’s potted plants for some reason and they pop out of the potted plants… because that’s my favorite. Then a guard is coming and they duck into a cell, and you know the cells only have one door, and then the guard walks into the same cell, and then karma and HK walk out of a different cell and keep going. They just bypass everyone that they come across, and they end up at the admin building.

[electronic music ends]

NICK: You are able to hop through a window that happens to be unlocked and open.

CAMERON: How fortuitous.

NICK: As you go through the window you see that there’s a security system, but it appears to be off when the window is open, so you don’t have any problems there, which is good because HK comes through kind of slowly. He turns to Karma and says…

NICK (as HK): The armory is this way.

NICK: …and walks a few doors down, and while most of the doors in the admin room are thick wooden fancy carved doors this one is a metal door inset—it looks very technological—and there’s a touchpad. HK hits some buttons on it and it slides open, and there’s a guard standing on the other side of the door who turns around, and you’re off to the side, and the guard says:

NICK (as guard): HK, what are you doing here?

NICK (as HK): Oh, just… stuff and things.

NICK: And shoots him with his stun blaster. The guard flies backwards into the room, and he turns to Karma and says…

NICK (as HK): Come on, quickly.

NICK: …and he steps inside.

CAMERON: Karma follows. Steps under the doorway.

NICK: As the door slides shut you see HK doing an electronic whistle to himself as he flips the blaster over to hold it by the still-smoking barrel and raises it up above his head to smash down on the guard.

CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Is that really necessary?

NICK (as HK): What do you mean is that really necessary?

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, so we already took him out of commission, and I realize that the reason that you’ve been doing this is because I suggested the way to do it, and I almost immediately regretted that decision… although I realize it’s also made it easier for us as there are now less of a guard presence.

NICK (as HK): Yeah, exactly. It was all strategic. No personal joy at all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh sure, but what I’m just saying is that I feel like… I don’t want to be here if you’re gonna just, like… now I’m participating because I’m here and I’m even more uncomfortable with it, so can we just leave him stunned?

NICK (as HK): You can wait outside if you want.

NICK: He raises the gun even higher.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sweetly] Please?

NICK (as HK): … Fine. Fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): I promise there will be more people to shoot later, and you can shoot with wild abandon.

NICK (as HK): I’m sure there will be. Ooh, I haven’t done suppressing fire in a while. That’ll be fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, look at all of these guns. We can get you a non-stun gun.

NICK: HK looks up, and the camera goes over HK and Karma’s shoulder, and you can see just rows and rows of weapons and contraband hung behind a fenced cage which is sitting open. HK, without looking down, kicks the guard in the ribs.

NICK (as HK): You are so lucky there’s something better to do than murder right now.

NICK: They start to walk into the vault to collect weapons.

CAMERON: Karma, as she’s walking past the guard, reaches down and picks up his security badge and pockets it.

NICK: Nice. We cut back to the clinic. Xianna, Tink’s buddy, apparently, is waiting excitedly as you start to pick open this lock to the expensive medicine. You wanna make me a Skulduggery check?

LILIT: Sure.

NICK: It’ll be with a black die because you don’t have your normal lock picking tools.

LILIT: I can remove a black die with Bypass Security, and this is a locked door.

NICK: It sure is.

LILIT: Seven successes.

CAMERON: [laughing] Holy shit.

NICK: Wow. The doors basically pop off the hinges and a secret inset in-the-cabinet door opens to where there’s a pile of credit chips that you’re able to pocket before the guard notices, and you find 500 Credits inside this door. The guy is flabbergasted for a second and then looks at you and says:

NICK (as guard): How are you in here… if you can unlock stuff that easy?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it is a long story, but don’t worry, just take your drugs and be on your merry way. Also, I would look out, because I have heard that the cell block is haunted by a baby ghost.

NICK (as guard): I’ve heard that too. Those small bloody handprints found on the bodies of unwitting guards. Very scary stuff. Thank you for the warning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I have heard that people have been found choked with little tiny handprints on their throat.

NICK (as guard): Nothing with hands that small could be anything but a very small infant. Surely no adult-sized creature would ever have hands that dainty.

LILIT (as Xianna): And also be able to reach the throat of a full-grown Human or humanoid creature.

NICK (as guard): I think, honestly, this is the biggest evidence of the existence of ghosts that’s ever existed in the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It is solid proof that there is indeed an afterlife and that you can reach out to your loved ones after you have passed into the great beyond.

NICK (as guard): And that they’ll kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or choke you, which you know is not the worst thing ever, I just do feel like the ghost really should be asking us first.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Because there are steps you have to take for that. But anyways, here are your drugs. I hope you have a great day.

NICK: You hand him a satchel that you’ve been scooping drugs into while you talk, and he throws it over his shoulder.

NICK (as guard): Man, everything’s just turning out really well today. I’m so glad we ran into each other, Tink. Awooga-awooga, right? Right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Awooga-ooga!

NICK (as guard): Yeah! Alright, you two kids have fun now.

NICK: And he leaves. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna whips her head around to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Were you in a fraternity?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. I thought you knew it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Were you a frat bro and you did not tell me?

HUDSON (as Tink): This was before I was straightedge, but yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): This just changes everything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do I get some respect now or something?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…


NICK: So, as you are all talking, Xianna, you’re able to gather some medical supplies, and Tink, you can see that the medical terminal is right where you saw it last when you were working in the clinic. It’s got a little screen saver going that’s really artistic pictures of the architecture of the prison which would look cool except it’s prison architecture so it’s really depressing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, let’s get this off the screen.

HUDSON: I crack my knuckles.

LILIT: Xianna comes up behind Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, on the count of three. Okie? One, two…

LILIT: And then Xianna stabs two stim packs into Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, that should heal you. You should be good now.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m feeling a lot better already. I can see clearly now.

NICK: So Tink is able to sit down at the computer. Worth noting that stim packs are all just like adrenaline and pain killers and don’t actually fix stuff, so while mechanically he has full health he still has a hole in his side that should be addressed at some point. [laughs] This is Nick the GM being concerned about Tink’s health at this point.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: The computer has a password screen to log in. You’re gonna have to slice it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Looks like I’m gonna have to slice it.


NICK: So roll me that slicing check at hard difficulty, and you don’t get your blue die because you don’t have your outlaw tech data breaker.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: I had four successes.

NICK: Wow, nice. So you’re able to get in very quickly and you have complete control of the system.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, the password is “Falx is cool” but with a K-E-W-L. Looks like the entire network password has been set to that, actually. Hmm. Oh my, oh, what is… ugh! Oh my. I opened, and the desktop background… It’s a picture of, like, an operation happening where they’re cutting into this person’s stomach and it says “scalpel me timbers.”

NICK: [laughs] Gross. Gross~ You’re able to see that from this computer you have access to a majority of the prison security systems and records. It’s exactly what you needed. The stim packs are starting to kick in.

HUDSON (as Tink): Everything’s coming up Tink!

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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