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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 25:
Garage Throw-Down

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Thank you to everyone out there listening to the podcast. We are so happy to see the positive mentions out in the world and to provide some happy distraction when it’s needed. If you haven’t already, please consider leaving a review on your podcatcher of choice or check out our Patreon. We have tons of bonus content out there and would love to share it with you. Thank you everyone for your continued support. Y’all are great.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 25! I’m your host and game master, Nick. It is a gorgeous half of a half of a centennial episode that we have coming for you. Really looking forward to seeing how’s the gang gonna get out of this one. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Excellent. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to announce my side project completely unaffiliated with Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: It’s gonna be Tablebottom Crew, where me and three adventurers go through the desert in search of adventure.

NICK: Yeah… that’s a little awkward, because I also wanted to announce Stoolseat Organization about a loosely affiliated group of people who travel through the desert looking for adventure, so uh… we’re gonna have to have that conversation off-mic I guess, Hudson.

HUDSON: Yeah. Yeah, yeah… I think we can either collaborate or go at each other’s throats. We’ll have to see.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: You know, maybe the rivalry thing will just help boost both of y’all’s listenership. You can just really play it up.

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: Wait-wait-wait. What if every episode is a crossover episode?


NICK: That’s like there’s always a sale at Bed Bath & Beyond.


CAMERON: There is though.

NICK: Well, the real question is how are these two new organizations going to do against Hammockbasin Team?

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Poorly.

LILIT: Not good.

NICK: Yeah, Hammockbasin Team is pretty OP. Great. [laughs] SO before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson.

NICK: Excellent. So, when we last left off, you all managed to convince hardened criminals that their garage was haunted. You had hidden speakers in the vents, apparently trained Creamsicle to have a packet of blood and be able to pour it out of a grating, you stole a watch and wrote a threatening message in it, and by the end of that a portion of the Kemslinger gang, which you had negotiated with Keyna the jizz singer to eliminate, had fled into the night. Am I missing anything?

LILIT: That sounds about right.

HUDSON: Yeah, yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah, I think you got it.

NICK: Yeah. So we open on the rusty garage that the Kemslingers are using as a hideout. From the single open door we see Zol, the apparent boss of the group, shouting into the Coruscanti night.

NICK (as Zol): Fine, you kriffheads, you run. There’s no such thing as ghosts! If I see you again you’re dead, DEAD, you hear me?

NICK: He slams the door behind him as he returns to the garage. The camera zooms out to see the crew of the Afternoon Delight still perched behind a convenient dumpster having just witnessed this meltdown. It looks like the ghost plan worked. What do you do now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so I think Tink said he wanted to pretend to be a ghost team to get into the front door. My vote is we just go through the air vents. Sneak attack. Drop down from the ceiling. They will never suspect it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t think we want to wait long enough for them to call a ghost hunting squad.

HUDSON (as Tink): So basically, instead of being an exorcist I’d be a vent-rocist… through the air vents.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Although, the ghost team is a good idea and that would be better for a long-term scam.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we will save it. We will put it in our notebook and we will save it for later.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, a long-term, like whenever we’re in some kind of alternate universe situation if they figure that stuff out.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or if we just decide we want to do a Holonet show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): That too, yeah, uh-huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have some industry connections.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Searching Statement: I have found 47 different ghost hunting shows on the Holonet. You would not have a strong competitive advantage.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are quite popular, though they all feel exactly the same.

NICK (as HK): That is my point. If there is that many exactly identical shows, how would you be successful?

LILIT (as Xianna): If there are that many and they are all exactly the same yet they are all successful, that kind of shows that the formula works.

NICK (as HK): That seems to fly into the face of economic theory.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’d think so.

NICK (as HK): I will download new… I don’t know, economic theory? What do I—That doesn’t make any sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): You just have to shift your perspective, HK. You know, sometimes you have these theories about economics or health or life, and they don’t always work out, and even if people are telling you “hey, that’s not how you do that” or “hey, that’s illegal,” you just have to fly in the face of them and just hug justice by the waist.

CAMERON (as Karma): What…? You should not do things that are illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do things that are illegal all the time. We are about to go murder people I think. That’s very illegal.

CAMERON (as Karma): They have bounties on them. It’s fine for me. I’m not doing illegal things.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Tink and I will be doing illegal things.

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all are my associates.

LILIT (as Xianna): We broke and entered earlier. We did a B&E. That is illegal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Breakfast with eggs! B&E.

LILIT (as Xianna): yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): We stole property. Also, we did return that property, but we still stole it to begin with.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s borrowing if you really think about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. True.

CAMERON (as Karma): Malicious borrowing?

HUDSON (as Tink): If we create the show of the future involving ghosts, I think we should call it Spoopy Ghosties.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s already a thing. It’s a bad name anyways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, not a lot of viewership, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): So are we going to murder them?

HUDSON (as Tink): You don’t have to plan on murdering. Let’s just get in there, see what happens, go with the flow.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just sort of play it loosey-goosey.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, play it by ear, meaning two ears.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m going to go through the vents. You two can go however you want. HK, I figured you would just go through the door.

NICK (as HK): If we are taking a stealthy approach, I will follow, silently, like the night. I am extremely stealthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not coming through the vents with me, HK.

NICK (as HK): Really? Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): The metal on metal as you crawl through the vents, I think, is just…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s too loud.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s gonna be hard to be quiet.

HUDSON (as Tink): And what if they magnetize the vents? That would mess up your circuitry and you’d get stuck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would they magnetize the vents?

NICK (as HK): To mess up my circuitry so I get stuck.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly, for these situations.

CAMERON (as Karma): [pleasantly sarcastic] Oh yeah, good planning there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, got to keep two steps ahead at all times.

NICK (as HK): I will be entering the front door. Who’s with me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, now I kinda want to go through the front door. If only there were two of me.

CAMERON: Is Tink gonna fit in the vents? [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I also don’t think you could come into the vents with me. You know, maybe it was my fault for offering up the vents to everybody…


LILIT (as Xianna): …when really it would just be me that could fit. Maybe Karma if some of the weapons came off, but I really think it is just going to be me and Creamsicle who can fit in there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’ll find a skylight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, front door for me I guess. HK, you ready?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

NICK: So, Karma and Xianna, I need Stealth checks from you.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

LILIT: Okie.

NICK: To be able to get into assault position. Are you planning on doing a coordinated “everybody bust in at the same time” kind of thing?

LILIT: Sounds like it.

CAMERON: I’m sure we’re “planning” on that. We didn’t discuss that before breaking up as a group though. [laughs]

LILIT: This is a Stealth check, and I have Stalker, so I get a blue die.

NICK: It’s an average Stealth check.

LILIT: [giggles wildly]

HUDSON: [gasps] Oh… Ohh!

CAMERON: I have two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Great.

LILIT: Okay, okay… I have two triumphs, both with their successes, and an additional success.


[slow suspenseful music begins]

We get this camera shot of HK and Tink both to either side of the front door, Xianna disappears like a ghost into the vents, Karma climbs silently up onto the roof and finds a conveniently located skylight. Over the coms, very quietly, you hear HK say…

NICK (as HK): We are kicking in… in three, two, one…

NICK: …and the door is kicked open.

[shift to more heavy action music]

HK and Tink slide inside, quickly covering their corners, Karma opens the skylight and drops in, Xianna pops out of a vent with blaster drawn… and there’s no one here.

[music ends abruptly]

But how do you want to spend those triumphs?

LILIT: So that scene happens exactly as you have described. We pop out and all there is is a light settling of dust in the room, and just an eerie silence. However, the people in the other room don’t notice this at all.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: So we’re able to just reset everything for the next room.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Like we just all look at each other, look around, and then just whisper:

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, this is embarrassing. Uh, should we just do a do-over? Redo it?

LILIT: [laughs]

NICK: So you look around the room, and the main work area of the garage is pretty much what you would expect a front for a gang to look like. There are tools scattered everywhere, but they’re dirty and not used. There’s no sign of any consistent mechanical work happening. There’s half a speeder in the corner. The room is dark and dingy, there’s a large table that you can see people would gather around on a regular basis, but it looks like the back wall has been roughly demolished.

There’s rubble still scattered around the floor, and it looks like the hideout for the Kemslingers has been dug deeper into the neighboring buildings. There doesn’t appear to be much security, and you find that the way forward is unguarded.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, look at this.

CAMERON: Is the way forward just like… a dug-out hallway?

NICK: Yeah, so the back wall is blown open and, because Coruscant is stacked so close together, it’s into the next building which is also in disrepair. You can see that they’ve smashed out walls making a sort of impromptu tunnel through other abandoned buildings on this level.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Do we just want to do the same thing over again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh… I mean it worked the first time. It has to work again, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): It would have been super cool if there were people in here.

CAMERON (as Karma): It would have been really cool.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. We’ll just reset everything. Okay, do it again.

LILIT: And Xianna starts climbing back into the vent.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma climbs some shelves and gets back up to the skylight and pops back through it onto the roof. [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so you’re jumping from roof to roof.


NICK: Okay. As Karma and Xianna disappear, HK looks at Tink.

NICK (as HK): Well I guess it’s just us again.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, we should probably meet them at the next spot.

NICK (as HK): I assume so. Should I go first or would you like to, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… I usually want the fame and glory, but I’ll give it to you this time. You can go first.

NICK (as HK): Much appreciated, and of course that means that I will draw most of the suppressing fire from the enemy if I am seen first.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you love doing that, don’t you?

NICK (as HK): I do tend to get shot a lot more than the rest of the crew.

LILIT: Since I got two triumphs, can I use one of those triumphs to give all of us blue dice in the next round?

NICK: “Absolutely. That’s a good call.

LILIT: Because we have the element of surprise, and two of us will have the high ground.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ooh. So we get this shot of Karma jumping from rooftop to rooftop. They’re all very close together, so it’s mostly just walking along the roof looking in skylights. HK and Tink are sliding from cover to cover moving through this tunnel. Xianna is in the vents moving silent.

After going through a few of these knocked-down walls, you can see two Humans holding carbines standing on either side of a metal door. They look to be dressed similarly to the Kemslingers you saw flee into the night earlier. They very clearly are on guard duty.

With all the advantages and triumphs, there is a skylight right above and a vent that is nearby to where they are posted up. They don’t appear to be particularly watchful. You can tell that they look bored. They’re not talking to each other, but they’re not really looking around that much either. So what’s the plan?

CAMERON: I kind of want to jump on one of them from above with my sword.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I think Xianna is gonna do the very cool spy movie thing of slowly stick the end of the blaster out of the grate in the air vent and line up a shot. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [softly] So the one on the left of the door is right under my skylight. I can take them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I won’t shoot that one then.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, there’s no one left for me and HK. HK, looks like we’re gonna have to just sit and watch the show.

HUDSON: I sit down crisscross applesauce style.

NICK: HK slides his back down the wall kind of petulantly and crosses his arms over his rifle. He strokes the blaster for a second.

NICK (as HK): Soon, baby… soon.


NICK: Alright, so I’m going to just take it as a given with how you are doing that you are able to coordinate this simultaneously. I just need an attack roll from each of you. Average difficulty for range, average difficulty for melee. You do get a blue die from your coordinated triumph.

CAMERON: And my sword is Accurate, so I get another blue die.

LILIT: Xianna will be aiming.

NICK: Okay, that makes sense. You have the time to.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m taking another blue die for Quick Strike, because they haven’t gone yet in combat.

NICK: Fair.

CAMERON: Forgot I had that.

NICK: It occurs to me how many of your builds were set up for ambushes.

CAMERON: I would like to make a prediction that this person is dead. [counts] Seven success and four advantages.

NICK: Yeah, they’re super dead.

CAMERON: So it would be [counts] 12 for the Brawn and the sword, and then I also do 2 additional damage for my Feral Strength talents.

NICK: Wow!

CAMERON: And I crit. [laughs]

NICK: Wow. Yeah, they’re super heckin’ dead. Xianna, how did you do?

LILIT: So I rolled… a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and three advantages.

NICK: So how much damage is that total? I mean, you double crit on him, but I’m just curious.

LILIT: So that would be… my base damage is 7, so that would be 11 damage, Pierce 2, and I crit on 3.


NICK: Yes. Okay. These shmucks are extremely dead. How do you take them down professionally and in synchronous action?

LILIT: So I imagine that Xianna lines up the shot from within the air vent and then coordinates with Karma for Karma’s surprise dropdown.

CAMERON: Do like a three, two, one.

LILIT: Yeah, a lovely little three, two, one.

[heavy metal music begins]

Xianna shoots, Karma drops down, and it is over within a second.

CAMERON: I think Karma superhero lands on the person that she was above and separates the spinal column.

LILIT: And then Xianna yells into the com.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, HK, go!

NICK: HK looks up from where he was holding his rifle.

NICK (as HK): What? Were we doing something? Okay!

NICK: And starts to scramble to his feet and run towards the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aye-aye, captain.

HUDSON: Tink says, back through the coms, and runs towards the door.

NICK: So in this hallway that’s covered in rubble, because the walls have been blown out, we see Karma superhero landed on this now bisected gangster, and this other guard has slumped to the ground with a perfectly accurate headshot from the event. HK runs past with Tink close behind, and they kick open this metal door.

[heavy metal music ends]

Inside we see what really just looks like a bachelor pad. You see Zol the Human, the leader of the Kemslingers, with his bright facial tattoos, and he looks like he’s just finished yelling at the other three members of the Kemslingers, a Togruta wearing large gloves, a Human with a buzz cut and two blasters—and those two lounge on a couch that looks like it’s about to fall apart. There’s also a Trandoshan sharpening a large vibro-sword sitting in the corner with a holo screen playing a news reel on mute. As soon as Tink and HK kick open the door, Zol looks up and says:

NICK (as Zol): They finally came for us! We gotta go! Retreat!

NICK: And turns and runs into what looks like a sewer pipe that’s sticking into the wall. You can hear splashing footsteps as he runs down the pipe. The Trandoshan is quick on his feet and also gets up and runs into the pipe. The Togruta and the Human are slower to react. I’m gonna need everybody to roll initiative.

CAMERON: Oh boy. Just two advantages for Karma. HK is two successes and an advantage.

HUDSON: Tink has a success and an advantage.

LILIT: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellows twice, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages and… two successes, four advantages.

NICK: Alright. So, we are starting with an NPC slot. The gang member with the gloves on, the Togruta, flips backwards over the couch and runs towards the mouth of the tunnel.

[heavy metal music returns]

As she gets to the mouth of the sewer pipe she pulls a grenade out of her pocket and chucks it towards Tink and HK. I’m gonna need you to roll me a yellow and two green versus average difficulty, please.

CAMERON: Okay. Is she aiming her grenade?

NICK: No, she’s not aiming her grenade.

CAMERON: Bad guys aren’t allowed to aim grenades.

NICK: Well, and she used her maneuver to run.

CAMERON: Because bad guys are controlled by Nick. Yeah, just one failure.

NICK: One failure. So the grenade hits above the doorway and explodes, but it’s far enough away that it doesn’t hit anybody. It is really loud, though, in this small room. Your ears are ringing pretty hard. Up next is a PC slot.

HUDSON: Tink closes his eyes as the grenade blows up and then opens them and he’s hearing a ringing.

HUDSON (as Tink): mop, mop, mooop


HUDSON: Because tinnitus.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

HUDSON: Yeah, just gonna explain the joke to everyone out there in the listening world. Tink grabs his axe off his chest and starts running towards the opening.

NICK: Okay. Are you running past the couch with the person with guns and running towards the Togruta who threw the grenade?


NICK: Okay. You are able to make it to the opening. You’re within striking range of this Togruta.

HUDSON: I strike.

NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack. It’s gonna be average difficulty, but it’s going to have two black dice, because she has Defense.

HUDSON: I do get a blue die from the last triumph that Xianna had.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Five successes and one advantage.

NICK: Ooh… Isn’t your axe Crit 1?

HUDSON: Yes, it’s Crit 1.

NICK: Would you like to roll that crit?

HUDSON: Vicious 4.


CAMERON: Heh, so +40.


CAMERON: A 64, so, a 104.

LILIT: 104 is the one that we have called Lost Limb. One limb is permanently lost.


LILIT: Cannot perform actions with limb… because you’ve lost it.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: All other actions incur a black die.

NICK: What do you lop off of this person, Tink?

HUDSON: The hand.

NICK: Okay. So, they go to stop the axe that’s swinging down towards them and you just cut straight through their wrist. How much total damage did you do?

HUDSON: Brawn plus 3, and my Brawn is 4, so 7 damage?

NICK: Plus five successes is 12.


NICK: Well… so with 12 damage she has just enough Soak to not instantly die, but she grabs around her wrist and tries to staunch the blood flow as you have cut off her hand, which is not great for a martial artist.

HUDSON: I turn and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks for giving me a hand.

CAMERON: Boo. [laughs]

LILIT: Yeah. You hear from an air vent:

LILIT (as Xianna): Boo~

NICK: [laughs] Up next is the other NPC slot, and they are going to shoot at the person who just cut off their friend’s hand. Can you roll me three yellows versus three purples, please? And give them a blue die, because they’re aiming.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: Aw… not enough to trigger the Dual Wielding. So with just one success that’s 9 damage coming at you, Tink.

HUDSON: Oof, alright.

NICK: This guy draws two pistols from where he’s sitting on the couch. He doesn’t even move. He draws a bead on you with both and shoots. One of them misses, but the other one hits you smack between the shoulder blades.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

NICK: The blaster is a heavier bolt than you’re expecting. These are hand blasters. They’re pistol shaped. They’re small and sleek. It should not have hit as hard as it did. This is some sort of custom gig.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, did you mod this thing?

NICK (as Human): Yeah!

NICK: He spins them both on his fingers and then re-holsters them, because he has Quickdraw 2 which means he can un-holster and re-holster them for free each round.

[laughter, heavy metal music ends]

NICK: That was an NPC slot, so we’re up to a PC slot.

CAMERON: Does HK want to go?

NICK: Sure, HK will go. HK is just gonna take a potshot at the martial artist. So, roll me that ranged attack at average difficulty. It’s gonna be two yellow and two green.

CAMERON: A triumph, two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Just for funzies, let’s roll that critical hit.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie, a 69!


[air horn stinger]

NICK: Plus 10 because she’s already been crit on, plus another 20 because he has 2 sets in Lethal Blows, so +30.

LILIT: 99 is the one that we have named Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed/replaced.


LILIT: Increase difficulty to all checks using that limb.

CAMERON: Oh no. [chuckles]

NICK: So, obviously HK shoots her in the other hand…

HUDSON: [laughs]


NICK: …as she goes to try and punch Tink. She collapses from the shock and goes unconscious. She is out of this fight, pretty efficiently, without getting to do anything or show off her cool abilities or talents. That’s fine. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Turns out getting hit with an axe and a sniper rifle does a lot of damage.


NICK: Who woulda thunk? Up next is another PC slot. There is the gunslinger on the couch. There is a Trandoshan and Zol somewhere back in the sewer system. Who wants to go next?

CAMERON: Do the vents connect from outside into this room?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Or does Xianna have to get out?

NICK: No, I think Xianna can stay in the vents. With all those triumphs and everything, these vents are very convenient.

CAMERON: These vents are controlled by Xianna’s mind.

LILIT: Xianna is the vents.


NICK: Xianna regulates temperature and airflow.

LILIT: Xianna can go again.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And go for the nearest person to her, which would be…

NICK: That would be the gunslinger. The martial artist is down and the other two have disappeared into the sewer.

LILIT: Alright, the gunslinger then. She’s gonna aim.

NICK: Makes sense.

LILIT: Okay, so I have gotten a triumph with its success, four additional successes, and an advantage. [laughs]

NICK: How much total damage is that?

LILIT: Twelve damage, two of that is Pierce.

NICK: Yeah, so you kill this guy… Do you just shoot him in the head? How do you bring this guy down before he can do anything? He’s very competent in a gunfight, so it is impressive.

LILIT: Xianna just lines up another shot and gets him from within the vent. I think maybe the initial chaos happened so quickly that nobody realized where the shot came from, so nobody’s looking in Xianna’s direction, because nobody is suspecting that it came from within the air vent.

NICK: That makes sense. So you are still completely sneaky. The room has been cleared. He slumps into the couch, obviously dead, because the back of his head is no longer attached.

At this point you have convinced three of the Kemslingers that their base is haunted by a vengeful ghost and they want nothing to do with this place anymore, you have killed two carbine-wielding guards, a martial artist and a gunslinger, and the only two other gangsters you’ve seen in this entire place have fled into the sewers. There’s one more PC slot. Karma, what do you wanna do?

CAMERON: I take off into the sewers.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just sprinting across the room.

NICK: With a maneuver you’re able to get across the room. Would you like to use another maneuver to run deeper into the sewer?


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m trying to catch up to one of them.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check to see how fast you’re able to go. That’s not technically in the rules, but I wanna see if you’re able to catch up to this Trandoshan who got a head-start.

CAMERON: What difficulty of Athletic?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: Three advantages!

NICK: Okay, so you’re not able to quite catch up to him, but you do see that he is about to round the corner and run deeper into the sewers. Zol is missing. You would be able to take a shot at him if you want, or do you want to continue to try to run him down?

CAMERON: I will take a shot if he’s about to turn a corner.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be average difficulty but two black dice because it’s dark in here and because he’s moving so quickly away from you.

CAMERON: Well you know what, Nicholas, with my carbine I remove two black dice for darkness, because I have Heat Signatures.

NICK: Okay, so one of them was for darkness.



CAMERON: Rude. I’m aiming. So, with Quickdraw, Karma will swing her carbine around from her back, probably keeping the sword in her hand still, and brings it up, sees the heat signature at the corner and shoots. A success and two advantages.

NICK: How much damage is that?

CAMERON: Fourteen.

NICK: Whoa. With his Soak he is still up, but he stops before turning the corner, turns back towards you, holds up his sword and says…

NICK (as Trandoshan): I don’t run from a fight.

NICK: …and starts to charge you. We’re back to the top of the order with an NPC slot.

CAMERON: Cool. Karma swings her gun back around but still has her sword in her hand.

NICK: This Trandoshan is going to charge you. If you could roll me an average difficulty melee attack at three yellows, please.

CAMERON: And two blacks.

NICK: Oh, you have Defense with your new armor, don’t you?

CAMERON: Well I have 1 Defense from my sword and 1 Defense from my armor.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Yup. Three successes.

NICK: So that is going to be… 8 damage coming at you, Pierce 2.

CAMERON: So 4 damage.

NICK: I think this looks like you’re able to parry the first blow, you block the other one off of one of your arm plates of your new armor, but he is able to land a gash into the side of your neck where the armor doesn’t cover. It’s shallow, but he manages to get a hit, and his lizard smile spreads really wide as he glares at you.


NICK: Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like it, please. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, go for it.

CAMERON: Now I’m going to holster my gun.

NICK: [laughs] Using Quickdraw.

CAMERON: Using Quickdraw, to holster my gun.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: It’s not in the way anymore. I’m going to attack with my sword.

NICK: Okay. He does have one black die against you, because his sword also has Defense.

CAMERON: Cool. One success, three advantages.

NICK: So you crit on him.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Alright. Go ahead and roll that crit.


NICK: So +70?

CAMERON: So then 90?

NICK: Oh my gosh.

LILIT: So 90 is Compromised. Increase difficulty until end of encounter.

NICK: Wow. How much damage did you do?


NICK: Nine damage.


NICK: How do you take this guy out?

CAMERON: I return the same cut that he just got in on me, but I go way deeper.

NICK: The vibro-sword buries into his neck.

CAMERON: Yeah, and the smile drops from his face.

NICK: Yeah, and then the rest of him drops as well, into the water.

HUDSON: Can Tink yell something, the last thing he hears before he goes?


NICK: Yeah?

HUDSON: Across down the tunnel, Tink yells:

HUDSON (as Tink): Where’s the dildo, you lizard scum?!


NICK: The pained expression on the Trandoshan’s face looks extremely confused and then he expires and falls facedown into the little rivulet of water in this sewer. Everything gets weirdly quiet. We’re gonna drop out of initiative order.

CAMERON: I’m gonna wipe off my blade on the Trandoshan’s clothes.

NICK: Okay. He’s wearing padded armor, so it’s pretty easy to do. Your blade is clean.


LILIT: In the background everyone else can hear the banging on a metal grate then Xianna shouting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh… Tink, or HK? Karma? Can somebody help me? The grate is stuck. I cannot get out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, step about five feet back from the grate. HK, shoot the grate.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit!


CAMERON: Karma’s running down the tunnel back towards the room.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT: You hear frantic scrambling inside the vent.

NICK: The blaster is spinning up and HK’s head just turns 90 degrees independent of his body to look at Karma approaching.

NICK (as HK): What seems to be the problem? [rapid fire noises]


NICK: And just blows a giant hole in the vent. It doesn’t hit Xianna, but I think it destabilizes the vent and drops her out of it, because the bottom cracks.

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna tumbles out, getting dirt all over herself, and she stands up and starts brushing herself off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… okay, thank you, HK. That… ugh, that was helpful. Okay. So uh, all the shitty people are dead. Very cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mission accomplished.

NICK (as HK): One of them does appear to have escaped into the sewer.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well… [huffs]. I’m not going to chase them through the sewers. Everybody spread out and we have to look for the crystal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, if it’s just one person, that’s not a group anymore, that’s a person.

NICK: Everybody tell me where their character decides to look for the Space Breaker.

HUDSON: Under the bed.

NICK: We see Tink looking under the bed. There’s some dirt. There’s boxes and boxes of little plastic baggies with nothing in them. There’s what looks like some old speeder parts that were shoved back there and forgotten, but no Space Breaker.

LILIT: Xianna begins to look through any safes or cabinets or large toolboxes.

NICK: There’s a couple of those large stand-up toolboxes that you can wheel around with the slidy drawers, and you’re able to, without even trying, pop the simple lock on those and look through. You do find a little bit of glitterstim, like half a baggie of one, but the rest of it seems to be a stash that was already cleared out or old tools again.

There is a couple of storage containers and things like that that don’t have much besides some clothes and it looks like a couple of bags of supplies, like some food and things if they had to leave quickly. We’ll come back to the safe thing in a second. Karma, where do you look?

CAMERON: Karma goes to search the crates that are behind the couch but on her way there stops by the gunslinger and takes his guns and then continues to the crates and starts going through them.

NICK: Okay. You take these two pistols. They look like light blasters, but the barrels are a lot thicker than you would expect. They’re standard light blasters, the only difference is that they do 8 damage instead of 5.


NICK: But they don’t have any of the fancy add-ons or anything. They’re just wide-chamber for some reason. Where else did you say you looked?

CAMERON: At a stack of crates that were set up behind the couch, helping the couch remain stable-ish as a couch.

NICK: As you unstack them so you can begin to look through them, the couch finally gives up the ghost and collapses into a pile of upholstery.

CAMERON: So the place IS haunted.


CAMERON: Ha! [giggles]

NICK: Tell me three useless things that you find in these crates.

CAMERON: A block of nice cheese.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

CAMERON: More crates.

NICK: You find additional crates in the crates. They’ve clearly been dealing with a certain smuggler…

CAMERON: Yeah, that had a lot of crates.

NICK: …that you found on Ithor.

CAMERON: And a can that you can’t open but it sounds like it has spiders in it.

NICK: Yeah, there’s probably some droids in there or something. It’s a perfectly normal explanation.

So, obviously these crates don’t have what you’re looking for. It just looks like this gang had been hulled up here collecting stuff and just minding their own business minus some drug trade for the recent past. You do find some documentation of they had sold some people to Hutts in the past, so they’re, you know, assholes, but lately they haven’t really been up to that.

We do see HK who is lifting up the rug that’s on the ground to see if there’s anything under it. There’s nothing under it.

CAMERON: [chuckles] There could have been a trap door.

NICK: Well there wasn’t.

CAMERON: Well there could have been.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: HK’s got good instincts.

NICK: Let’s swing back to that safe question. Xianna, will you roll me a Skulduggery check, please, at daunting difficulty.

LILIT: Daunting? Okay, that is four?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: It’s all catching up. [chuckles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Alright, that is one failure, three advantages.

NICK: So you don’t find a safe. You don’t find any more stashes. You don’t really find anything salvageable in this room. However, with your three advantages, I’m going to say you’re able to do a very thorough onceover of this place. You know for a fact that there are no hidden hiding places here that you haven’t already found. You can say for certain that the crystal dildo is not here.

LILIT: Xianna kicks some trash on the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kriffing slavers. These people suck!

HUDSON (as Tink): Not find it?

LILIT (as Xianna): No!

NICK: Tink, are you sitting on the decomposing pile of couch now?


NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not find it anywhere. There is no way it is in this place.

NICK (as HK): Do you think the Human that fled might have it, or do you think it was never here in the first place?

CAMERON (as Karma): Is a crystal dildo really something you keep on your person normally?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you keep it in your person. Heyo!

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… I don’t think people would necessarily be carrying it around.

NICK (as HK): He may have taken it to flee with his most valuable possession when they were under attack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did he have time, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. He did not grab anything before leaving.

CAMERON (as Karma): We were hella sneaky, up until that last bit.

LILIT: Xianna dejectedly flops down onto the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I was lied to.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I think we got played.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I did not detect any duplicity. In what way were you lied to?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think that the singer, whatever her name was at the Blue Bantha—

NICK (as HK): Keyna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Keyna. I think she lied to us. I don’t think it was here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wasn’t it called the Songbird?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh whatever. Of the Bluebird. I’m calling it that now. Fine. It’s a silly name. But I think she just told us it was here so that we would kill these shitty ass people so they would stop bothering her.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like we need to pay someone a visit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we make it extra dramatic so I can feel better? Can we bust in through the windows again? That was fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m gonna say no, but we can get pizza cones on the way. Would that help?

NICK (as HK): You have already consumed so many pizza objects.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey, we had pizza earlier tonight, I know. We’ve done a violence since then, okay? We need pizza cones.

LILIT: Xianna sighs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay HK, what if I get one of the pizza cones that has a vegetable in it? Is that okay then?

NICK (as HK): I do not see… well, actually, if you get one with an alfredo base instead of a tomato base it’s basically a different food.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I could get the spinach alfredo pizza cone. Then it’s got spinach, and that’s good for you, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It basically makes the whole thing healthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Although I do not understand the basics of nutrition, not having needed to use that discipline, I am not sure that spinach soaked in a cream-based sauce is healthy.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a salad.

NICK (as HK): Oh, my mistake. Thank you for teaching me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Spinach is a salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): In a bread bowl.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.


LILIT (as Xianna): I think it will be fine, and that would make me feel a lot better. So let’s go get the pizza cones, and we’ll eat them on the way over, and then we’ll just like bust in the windows and rough up the place.

NICK: So we cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight back in front of the Songbird, or the Blue Bantha, whatever it’s called.

CAMERON: Or the Bluebird.

NICK: Or the Bluebird. Standing in front of the door. There’s a large bouncer standing in front of the doorway, and as you approach you’re holding your pizza cones and the bouncer politely taps a sign next to the door that says “no outside food or drink” and just waits politely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, looks like I gotta finish this one. Wanna race?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

LILIT: Xianna is just eating the pizza cone while just staring the bouncer straight in the eyes.

[menacing music begins]

NICK: The bouncer stares back and tries to be tough, but as the pizza cone disappears much more quickly than one would expect you can see that he looks more and more concerned at how quickly Xianna is able to eat this pizza cone. Not even noting all the weapons and armor that you all are wearing.

[menacing music ends]

HUDSON: I say…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahem.

HUDSON: …to the bodyguard, and he gives me a look, and I’m looking back into his eyes, and I’m eating the pizza cone too and trying to do better than Xianna, so I put my mouth wide open and stuff the pizza cone in it and I start sucking down the sauce like a child suckling at their mother’s teat.



HUDSON: Just to like, intimidate, you know?

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!


## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 24 Phantasm Fun

PDF download: S2 Episode 24 Phantasm Fun

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 24:
Phantasm Fun

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

No real announcements for this week, so I just want to thank everyone for listening and remind them to leave a review on their podcatcher of choice if they haven’t already. Thank you everyone for your continued support of Tabletop Squadron.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 24 of Tabletop Squadron, your best source for tactics and…


NICK: …and everyone saying the Owen Wilson “wow.” Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow~



NICK: Our two biggest contributions to the internet space are wows and tactics. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Wow~! I’m Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright~

NICK: No, that’s the other guy.

LILIT: That’s a different person.

HUDSON: Oh, whoops.

LILIT: That’s Matthew McConaughey.

HUDSON: Oh… Oh! Owen Wilson—

NICK: I wish everyone could see the face that you made when you said “whoops” really non-convincingly.


LILIT: You thought I was lying to you.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very emotionally drained Nautolan bounty hunter.


NICK: Makes sense. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: [laughing] Two dark side.

NICK: Appropriate.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Great, so two dark side, three light side?


HUDSON: Correct.

[slinky music begins]

NICK: When we last left  you all, Karma had a very emotionally draining conversation with Keer, the father of her children. Tink and Xianna and HK did some looking back in time to figure out the source of who threw up next to the hot tub as well as doing some nice hot tubbing. You all prepared in your own special way for the mission that had been requested of you by Keyna, the singer in the Songbird jizz club, and you all went to get popsicles. That’s where we’re gonna start off.

We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight crouched behind a pile of trash. They are overlooking a rusted building nestled against a larger skyrise. The Kemslingers have hulled up in an old garage right at the perimeter of the lower levels. You know if you go much deeper Coruscant starts to become wilderness.

The cleaning crew and planetary upkeep teams only go so far. You run into hiding places, strange creatures, toxic swamps, all sorts of things that happen when a city has grown so large that no one knows where the bottom is. This is just past that line. You can actually see the part of the street where the cleaning droids stop and retreat to higher levels.

The garage itself is dusty and looks abandoned from the outside. There’s very little activity, and chunks of totaled speeders dot the front. There’s a single metal door inset in front of the building between two rusted garage doors that look like they wouldn’t open unless you hit them with a thermal detonator. We can see that Tink, Xianna and Karma are each holding a slightly melted popsicle while they stake out their target.

HUDSON: I take a look at my grape popsicle and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey HK, I know we’re behind some trash, so you must feel right at home, huh? Ha-ha.

[slinky music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, are you negging me in an opportunity to make me want to hang out with you more?

HUDSON (as Tink): [embarrassed] No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds like a yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, I wasn’t very popular growing up and now I’m trying to do what they did to me. Seeing if it works. I read this book online—

LILIT (as Xianna): You need to stop reading random books you just find.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, that’s called bullying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not good.

NICK (as HK): Your tactics will not work. You cannot hurt my feelings, Tink, because I do not have any.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… that’s sad.

NICK (as HK): However, sometimes I do search for vengeance. I suggest you watch yourself.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I feel like vengeance is an emotion, you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think vengeance is like right beside hunger on the emotion scale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hunger is an emotion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Physically hungry, but also emotionally hungry, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Emotionally hungry.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very similar to being angry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Hangry, angry…

LILIT (as Xianna): Revenge!

HUDSON (as Tink): …same root word.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. But anyways.

CAMERON: Karma makes a face and eats her ocean water popsicle.

LILIT: Xianna waves her pineapple popsicle around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Are we just going to run in there and kill them? Steal the object and just leave it at that? Or, what else do we do?

[slinky music returns]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I have a plan. I recently saw a movie that inspired me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we send in Creamsicle through the roof, through the vents, to start causing a little bit of mischief around the garage such as having a pack of blood just ooze from one of the vent openings or maybe have a clamor in the far part of the garage where no one’s been for a long time, or maybe having spills or oil just fly out of cars because Creamsicle will be in the car throwing things around and—

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you suggesting that we fake a ghost haunting so that they will get scared and leave?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly what I’m suggesting. You are in tip-top shape today, mentally. I applaud you, and I think we should then come to the front door and pretend like we are a ghost hunting crew that can help them find out the effects of the ghost, what kind they are, what their hobbies and interest are, how extreme they are, if they’re like extreme with one X or two Xs or three Xs, you know, the levels, and see if we can scare them out of their place like you mentioned.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve been staying up too late watching all the ghost hunter shows, haven’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No-no.

LILIT: Xianna holds out her palm, like open-handed.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think Tink has a good idea, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): To answer your question, Karma, it was a movie. It was called Ghost Hunters.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a miniseries special based on the TV show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, whatever form of media I consumed I sure did consume it, my boy.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But I think the base idea is good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like what if instead of setting everything up and doing all the sneaking and having to kill people… that’s so much work, what if we just make them think it’s haunted? And they just leave? And somebody else was killing them anyways, so maybe they will be extra scared and, you know, run away, and we don’t have to do any heavy lifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can Creamsicle write in English?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have tried that, but she can carry a bag of blood.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is confirmed.

HUDSON (as Tink): So we can maybe write the blood message when we’re in there investigating.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): You are very specific that Creamsicle can carry a bag of blood. Where have you been finding bags of blood?

[slinky music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t ask questions, HK. Mind your own business.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you would ask me why I would be interested in bags of blood. It’s just idle curiosity.

LILIT (as Xianna): We all know you are interested in bags of blood, HK! You talk about it all the time!

NICK (as HK): I am interested in tubes of blood. Tubes of blood.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just walk in while we are eating our cereal and you go “ello, has anybody had a bag of—or a tube of blood today?” And we have to tell you no every single day.

NICK (as HK): I disagree with that assessment, as I have never said “ello” in my life.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what I mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, check that off your bucket list. You just did that.

NICK (as HK): Kriff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ha-ha! If the vents are big enough for me to fit in as well, we can put a clear paint finish on their walls, in English, and then Creamsicle can spill the bag of blood when they are actually there, and then they can’t hear me in the vents because it’s Creamsicle. She’s so much smaller, makes no sound.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a good idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. This is coming together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do not see how this is less work. I do think just breaking in and starting shooting is a bad idea, because we don’t know how many people are in there and what their arsenal looks like, but we know they’re probably well-armed because they’ve been being hunted and their gang members…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s less work.

CAMERON (as Karma): How?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because one, we already have speakers that we can set up to pump in spooky sounds. We have spooky sound music already from that one dinner party we threw. We have the bags of blood. We have the weird paint finish—don’t ask why I have it—that will cause the blood to form letters. And this way nobody gets shot at.

NICK (as HK): Karma, it is like you say, even though this may take more physical effort than merely killing the organics, if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.

[slinky music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also it would just be funny, yes. HK has a point. It’s funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): You could come up with a persona!

LILIT (as Xianna): Theoretically they will be scared and we never have to actually go in as ghost hunters, only if some of them don’t want to leave. But this is just funnier and then none of us get shot at, because I don’t like that, because then Tink gets weird with the pretending he is a doctor thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… I’ll just ignore that last part.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not your doctor. You refuse.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. You are not my doctor or anybody’s.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Karma, are you convinced?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really, but knock yourselves out, kids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I was about to have to make a huge deal about how this may or may not be a democracy within our group and so we would have to vote, but I’m glad I don’t have to do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do this, and if worse case it fails then we can just go in and shoot them I guess. But this way nobody gets shot at.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, backup plans are backup plans. What is everyone’s fake personas?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a spooky ghost. Woooo~!

HUDSON (as Tink): That is not a fake persona. We’re knocking on the door. We can’t say “here’s our ghost.”

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] “Hello, I hear you’re haunted. We brought a ghost with us.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I won’t be at the door. I will be in the vents.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh no-no-no, this is a good ghost. You have the bad ghost in there.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Be rattling things around and cutting eyeholes out of their paintings. They probably don’t have any paintings in their terrible gang garage, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): They could have posters.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can cut the eyes out of the posters. Hopefully there are people on the posters and not just speeders or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Okay, so you do want to be a ghost, just to be clear?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured I will be in their vents placing all of this stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): That works out. Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): I suppose I am the muscle for this ghost hunting crew.

NICK (as HK): But what will the name of your alternate personality be?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Daphne Blake.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a good one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am gonna be… Reverend Daniel Bearback. You can call me Rev. Bearback.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you can have that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we have explained this before. There are connotations to that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like the bear, like rawr. You know?

[slinky music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): There are connotations with that name. If you are okay with those connotations, fine, but I warned you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. I’ll come up with a different name.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as HK): My name will be Cogster Johnson… ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good. Very good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Cogster… [laughs] Wait, Cogster Johnson?

NICK (as HK): Cogster Johnson, ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, I’m going to place speakers into their garage and then I’m going to give everybody the other end so everybody can make different types of spooky ghost sounds. Well maybe not you, HK, I don’t know if they would believe that a droid died and decided to haunt their place.

NICK (as HK): This is probably a fair assessment. I will focus on the assassin part of this mission.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, got my persona. I am going to be Reverend Connor Suckerpunch. Now, it’s Reverend Suckerpunch, because my move when I exorcise the ghost is to sucker punch them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, that makes sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convenient that you ended up in a profession that you could tie it to your name so well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK: So it sounds like you have a plan to create a fake haunting in this garage, to such an extreme that these hardened criminals flee forever, thus destroying their organization. Is that accurate?

LILIT: Correct.


LILIT: And I would like to flip a light side point to say that we just have all of these supplies, for some reason.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Any of the supplies we need to create this haunting are somehow on the ship.

NICK: I think there’s a combination of them being on the ship or really easy to get at a corner store or something. We don’t have to go through procuring the basics.

LILIT: I just want a whole bunch of special effects just in the ship for some reason.

NICK: We can do that. That’s worth a light side point. But I do want to know where the blood came from.

HUDSON: It came from Cheapo Mart. [musically] Cheapo Mart, buy our shit. It’s cheap. La-la-la.

CAMERON: [snickers] Good jingle.

LILIT: Let’s see… Oh, Xianna stumbled upon an illegal blood bank and decided to steal all of that blood. It wasn’t viable anyways, but it will be good for arts and crafts.

NICK: Okay. Good to know.

CAMERON: Wow. [laughs]

NICK: So, what is Step 1 of this plan to make the garage appear haunted? What are you doing first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Creamsicle, go forth!

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna go into the vents with Creamsicle and set everything up that she can from there.

NICK: Okay. I need two things from you. I would like you to do a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty to find the best way to get through their security and into the vents. Then after that, assuming that goes well, it will determine how hard your Stealth check is to put stuff everywhere without getting caught.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we staked the place out and have a better idea of when they will be there and when they won’t?

NICK: Yeah, for sure, and because you’re not really in a rush on this, so you can take your time.

LILIT: I got six successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wow. So this place has large vents that crisscross through the ceiling. It has a fake drop ceiling that you’re able to climb through as well, so you don’t need just the vents. This building is tucked against another building, but how do you get up on the roof and into the building without being seen? With that many successes I think part of your Skulduggery is you’re definitely in the building. The Stealth check will just be for setting things up.

LILIT: I think in this part of Coruscant there’s probably a lot of smog and smoke and various things from manufacturing plants and other industries, so Xianna just waits for a moment when the smoke is heavier at night and uses that to blend in and sort of stay close to the buildings and gets onto the roof of the adjacent building and sort of army crawl sneaks over to the actual garage.

NICK: Okay. There are stacks of crates and speeder parts, so you’re able to climb up onto the roof of the garage if you want, and there’s a big open vent that looks like it rusted apart a long time ago. So you’re able to get into the building.

LILIT: Yes, and then once inside the building Xianna will go through the vents and place tiny little speakers onto the grates in various places and a few tiny little projectors as well, in one or two of the vents, and will wait for them to leave the room. Once that has been done will exit out of the vents and take a bit of clear unobservable paint that is hydrophobic and paint “LEAVE NOW” in big spooky letters on one of the walls that is below a vent. And also just steal a few things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] And also steal a few things. Great.

LILIT: Just for fun. [laughs]

NICK: For doing that with how well you cased the joint and how prepared you are, make me an average Stealth check to get everything just so and exactly where you want it, but you will have a black die because you’ve never been here before.

LILIT: I can add a blue die per rank of Stalker to all Stealth and Coordination checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Alright, I have a triumph with its success and two advantages.

NICK: Nice. What additional thing do you find out with this triumph or what cool thing do you steal?

LILIT: Hmm… Xianna steals somebody’s very nice pocket watch that definitely has an engraving on it from some relative, assumedly dead relative. Xianna takes that. Do we wanna say maybe they have computers pulled up with all of their criminal activity? Can Xianna find out all of their criminal activities?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: Great. What are their criminal activities?

NICK: So, you drop down into this garage and you’re painting a spooky message on the wall in clear paint, and there’s several data banks up against the wall. They look a lot newer than the rest of the garage, still not in the best repair but not original parts to be sure. Some of the screens are still on and functioning, and you can see kind of like a little black book program of various transactions that they’ve been doing, and they’ve been doing some pretty bad stuff.

It looks like since they were kicked out of the, as it references in the notes, Blue Bantha Jizz Club that the Kemslingers have leaned really heavily into trafficking drugs, but before they used the club to get their clients and now since they have less clients they’re cutting it with stuff that’s potentially poisonous. They’re being a lot less safe and they’re kinda screwing over their customers.

In addition to that, you can see that they occasionally will kidnap people off the streets of Coruscant and sell them to Hutts out of the system. It doesn’t appear that they have anybody right now, but they’ve been stealing people, which is pretty messed up, and that seems to be where they’re getting a majority of their money.

So, you’re able to jump back up into the vent before people go by.

LILIT: Xianna gets back out and hands the pocket watch to HK and asks HK to redo the engraving on the pocket watch. If it says like “yours forever” have HK re-engrave out onto the sides of it so it says like “your soul shall forever be mine” and make it very creepy.

NICK: Heh. HK takes the pocket watch and says:

NICK (as HK): This is funny, because it will terrify somebody with a personal artifact of theirs.

NICK: There’s a click in his wrist and a very thin blade seems to fountain up and then solidify and he starts with mechanical precision to etch the words in. He even matches the font. It looks like it’s always like that. Then, HK stops for a second and says…

NICK (as HK): Wait.

NICK: …and starts to carve on it again so now the letters look all drippy too.

NICK (as HK): Hopefully this will cause an organic some extreme distress.

NICK: And hands it back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. This is very good.

LILIT: Then Xianna hands it to Creamsicle, and Creamsicle runs back off into the vent, hopefully to put it back where it was found.

NICK: Hard to tell with Creamsicle. Maybe. Maybe Creamsicle will go eat snacks out of the kitchen. So, that was the first thing. You’ve really set the stage with scary microphones, tiny projectors aimed at mirrors, and a potential invisible ink on the walls. What else are you going to set up?

HUDSON: I go to the control panel outside the building that’s connected to the energy source of the building, and I make it so that the lights will flicker on and off and on and off randomly for the next few hours.

NICK: Alright. I think with how well Xianna skulduggled the place you’re able to get right up next to it without having to be particularly sneaky. She’s identified all of the proper approaches that won’t be observed. So, I just need a hard slicing check from you, but you can have a blue die because Xianna did see their computer systems unlocked and was able to tell you that not all of them are currently password protected so it’ll be easier to get in.

LILIT: I tell you the make and model so you can know if there are any pre-programmed backdoors or anything.

NICK: “Oh, they’ve got an Omega3 tower? You just elbow it like Fonzie and go ‘aaay.’”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: You just go into Programs, File, 64, File again…

HUDSON: Definitely Not Porn folder, and then you’re in.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Two successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. So the lights will now flicker on and off dramatically at the appropriate times. I think you’re also able to discover quite a bit of other information and maybe do something else with their systems that’s gonna make their life harder with five advantages. What do you think that would be?

HUDSON: I take down their website and chatroom.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. They had one of those forums that they use to recruit people over time and it’s just totally gone and replaced with just the color green. Just the whole screen is this particular shade of green. You go there and it just is one color, no font, nothing.

CAMERON: “Sorry boss, SpacerSoft is having an outage.”


NICK: Their online communications are shut down as well. They’re not going to be reaching outside of their building using the Holonet. Do you also hack the thermostat?

HUDSON: Yes, I hack the thermostat so that it gets very cold in random places in the building.

NICK: Okay. Karma, what is your plan to make this garage seem even more haunted?

CAMERON: So, the first thing Karma does is goes and picks up a cheese pizza for everybody.


CAMERON: Because we’ve been sitting here watching all day, so we’re hungry.

NICK: Yeah, it’s pretty late after dinner time by this point.

CAMERON: And we were just talking about hunger being an emotion and everyone realized that they were indeed hungry, so accomplished a pizza first.

NICK: Y’all have had pizza three times in three meals.

CAMERON: False! Those were pizza cones beforehand.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: In the middle. So it was pizza, then two pizza cones, and then pizza again.

LILIT: Well, popsicles and then pizza.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Oh, that totally resets the counter.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: It does, yeah. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Completely different. Popsicles are a fruit.



NICK: So we get a quick scene of you all sitting with your backs to a dumpster just eating a pizza together and then tossing the box into the dumpster and getting back to work.

CAMERON: Yup. Then Karma goes over, I’m guessing it’s probably near where Tink was accessing the electric controls for the building, and has to dig a little bit at the base of the building with her knife but then has a wire that she pulls out slightly and has a blade set against it so she can cut the phone line.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Very cool. So, this garage is primed and ready to be very spooky very quickly. You all were extremely successful. Turns out setting up a fake haunting is well within your skillset. I’m as surprised as—well, I would say surprised as y’all are, but this was your idea, so I guess I’m surprised as the audience is.

I think the best way to show how successful this is… is to get it from the perspective of the people inside the building, so we’re going to switch to the Kemslingers who are hanging out in this garage waiting for their next big deal, and I want you all to play a Kemslinger as the haunting starts to happen. So, we’ll go around the table and everybody introduce your Kemslinger and what they look like and what their name is.

HUDSON: I’m a Human named Angry Albert. They call me Angry Albert because, uh… I have a bit of a temper.

NICK: What does Angry Albert look like?

HUDSON: Angry Albert has a bowl cut, wears a bowtie, every now and again wears suspenders… and boots.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: [in a sort of old timey gangster voice] He sounds like this! I just oughta—well, I just wallop them in the face, you know?!

NICK: I love it. Great.

LILIT: I will be playing a Chadra-Fan named Big Joe.

NICK: Okay, so you’re a very small cute bat person named Big Joe.

LILIT: Yes, but they have a scar running across one of their eyebrows and eyes so that you know they’re hardcore.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

HUDSON: How tall is Big Joe?

LILIT: Like three feet tall.


LILIT: Like one meter.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: At most. Big Joe is not very big.

CAMERON: I will be playing an Anselmi…

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: …named Darla Rockthrower.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, Anselmi are the other main species that live on Glee Anselm, and they hate Nautolans, because the Nautolans live on turtles in the ocean and for some reason the Anselmi decided to live on land and there’s not a lot of that on Glee Anselm.

HUDSON: I know how you got your name.

CAMERON: Noun Verber?!

HUDSON: Yes! But, you were known as a child growing up as the kid who threw rocks at trains.

CAMERON: [laughs] I’ve been bad since I was 6, throwing rocks at trains. The Anselmi kind of look like spiky turtles. They’re still amphibians, but they look more reptilian than Nautolans do.

[slow guitar music begins]

NICK: So, it’s a normal day in the Kemslinger hideout. You’ve just made a reasonably big deal selling off some of your inventory that you cut with cleaning supplies to make sure that it could hit all of your customers. You’re pretty sure you didn’t cut it too much to where people will get sick, but eh, who cares. You’re all standing around in the garage just celebrating your victory and having a good time.

HUDSON (as Albert): Hey Big Joe, why do they call you Big Joe? You’re  not very big at all!

LILIT (as Joe): If you ask me that one more time I will stab  you.

HUDSON (as Albert): If you stab me I’ll just stab you right back, I tell you what!

LILIT (as Joe): You would never catch me. I’m too fast for you, Angry Albert.


HUDSON (as Albert): I bet your bottom dollar you ain’t at all!

LILIT (as Joe): I’ll fucking stab you in the bottom.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Albert): [grits his teeth and makes angry noises]

NICK: There is a very muscly Human with a shaved head and a big purple facial tattoo on half of his face that walks into the room.

NICK (as boss): Angry Albert, you get it together. Stop threatening to stab anybody that’s in our group. There’s not that many of us left.

HUDSON (as Albert): Say that again and I’ll stab you.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait a second, boss. Um… if we cut all the products with the cleaning supply, what are we gonna use to clean?

NICK (as boss): It’s funny to me that you suggest we clean at all. This place hasn’t been cleaned in years.

NICK: Camera sweep to all the dust and dirt and rust all over the place.

NICK (as boss): That was Rockthrower’s job.

LILIT (as Joe): I didn’t ever plan on cleaning, I was just saying like… hypothetically.

NICK (as boss): We’ll go buy more cleaning supplies when we get more product. You know how this works. We’ve done it forever.

HUDSON (as Albert): [fuming] Ugh, the bathroom is just filthy! What if I wanna bring someone back here? You know, like a hot date or something. You know what I mean? I just oughta… [stammers] I’d clean it myself, but I don’t want to. Ugh.

[slow guitar music ends]

LILIT (as Joe): The fast food place down the street has an open bathroom!

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbling] Alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Just use that bathroom.

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Or just don’t bring dates back here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Well some of them wanna see my badass hangout.

LILIT (as Joe): You’re just trying to give them drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): They’re trying to get drugs for free?

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah!

NICK (as boss): I hate to tell you, Angry Albert, but they’re absolutely trying to get drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): That gal Melinda though.

LILIT (as Joe): And you can’t give them drugs for free, we gotta sell drugs to the community.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): We provide a vital service.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as boss): Wait. Shut up. Do you hear that?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Hear what?

NICK (as boss): What’s that noise?

LILIT (as Joe): That was Albert!

HUDSON (as Albert): It was not me.

NICK (as boss): No, not Albert.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, now I think I heard that.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Albert, was that your stomach?! Please say it was.

HUDSON (as Albert): N-No, I haven’t eaten in a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] Leave now~

HUDSON: Tink gets on the mic.

HUDSON (as Tink): [ghostly voice, hums ‘The Longest Time’ tune]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] I shall feast on the souls~

NICK (as boss): Did you… Did you see that? There’s something… There’s something moving somewhere in here. The rest of the guys are in the other area, but I can still see movement.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, I think it’s over there.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?

NICK (as boss): No, it’s behind you.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?! [frantic noises] What, where?! I looked. I don’t see nothing.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: And the lights begin to flicker, and you can see your breath in front of your faces as it gets really cold here in the entryway to the garage.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I promise I paid the electric bill.

NICK (as boss): Yeah, you better have.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I did.

NICK (as boss): I had hoped you hadn’t paid it, because… what else could explain this?!

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t want to be the first one to say it, but I think it’s a ghost.

HUDSON (as Albert): [through gritted teeth] You didn’t wanna be the first one to say it but then you said it.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!

NICK (as boss): [dismissively] A ghost? Really?

LILIT (as Joe): Well, what else do you think it is, boss?

NICK: We hear a light pattering from the vents, and suddenly Zol, the boss, whips around to see a red dark liquid pouring from one of the vents, and it doesn’t completely cover the wall as if being written on by some sort of ghastly fingers.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh my god! I think it says “lea no.” Oh wait, no, it says “leave now.”

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): “Leave!”

LILIT (as Joe): It says “leave now.”

HUDSON (as Albert): Believe? What are we believing?

LILIT (as Joe): Nah, the blood just hadn’t gotten all the way over to the right hand side yet.

HUDSON (as Albert): Oh… Oh, alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Lea no made no sense, but leave now, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

HUDSON (as Albert): I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): Well I am! I don’t wanna get no stabbed by a ghost.

HUDSON: [hums Ghostbusters stinger]

LILIT: [giggles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I don’t think ghosts stab people…

LILIT (as Joe): Well, I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to be around to find out.

HUDSON (as Albert): How could they possibly hold the knife?

LILIT (as Joe): I know they’re incorporeal, but…

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): So poltergeists are different? If it’s a poltergeist it can interact with solids around you.

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah, they like use the power of the Force to lift up the knife and then use it to stab you. … That’s what I would do if I was a ghost.

NICK: A toolbox rattles off of a workbench in the back of the shop with a loud bang.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Ah!

LILIT: Big Joe jumps and points at it.

LILIT (as Joe): See?! This place is fucking haunted! And that ghost is gonna stab us. You know what, if none of you care, I’m gonna call One-Eyed Ted and see what he has to say about this. He’s gonna back me up once he hears about all this.

[eerie music ends]

NICK (as Zol): Make the call.

LILIT: And Big Joe runs over to the telephone that is on the table.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s like an old rotary telephone, too.

LILIT: And dials the number one by one as it is a rotary phone with their little bat fingers.


LILIT: Ring… Ring…

LILIT (as Ted): Yeah?

LILIT (as Joe): One-Eyed Ted, you won’t believe what the fuck is happening down at the garage!

LILIT (as Ted): Ugh. What is happening down at the garage?

LILIT (as Joe): A fucking ghost is haunting the place, and boss and Albert and Rockthrower don’t fucking believe me. But there’s blood on the wall and it says “leave now.” And the lights went out, and shit got moved around, and it’s cold, and not in like a we forgot to pay the electricity bill like that one time and also forgot to threaten the electrician so that they would keep the lights on and stuff. Now it’s all working but it’s cold as Hoth over here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Ted! Ted, do you hear me? You owe me 30 Credits, you motherfucker!

LILIT (as Ted): I definitely do not owe you 30 Credits.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Albert): I can’t hear you, but you better talk about how you’re paying up.

LILIT (as Ted): Big Joe, I can hear Albert, and you gotta tell him that I do not owe him 30 Credits.

HUDSON (as Albert): Turn that rotary phone on speaker, damn it!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Joe): I’m not turning the phone on speaker! It doesn’t have that setting, remember? We pawned that. One-Eyed Ted says that he doesn’t owe you 30 Credits and that it’s a ghost.

LILIT (as Ted): I did not say it was a ghost, but it probably is a ghost. It does sound like you are indeed in the midst of a haunting from a supernatural entity.

CAMERON: The line goes dead.

LILIT (as Joe): [gasps] Oh my god! The line cut out right as he said it was a ghost!

LILIT: And Big Joe is pointing wildly around.

LILIT (as Joe): Right as he said it was a ghost the line went out. See, it’s a fucking ghost, I’m telling you.

HUDSON (as Albert): No proof that that’s no ghost. I gotta get at least one more sign.

LILIT (as Joe): What else do you think there is? It’s already put blood on the walls and make spooky woohoo noises and threw a box and made it cold in here. What else do you want?

HUDSON (as Albert): Well, if you know anything about ghosts, you’d know that they’re going to have a personalized message to you, something that tugs at the heartstrings but in a spooky way.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait, I thought that was the “leave now” in blood.

HUDSON (as Albert): Nah, not personal enough.

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t know, I feel like the blood is pretty personal seeing how it came from a person.

HUDSON (as Albert): No, no-no-no, you need like a personal artifact. See, this watch was passed down through my families through multiple generations.

LILIT (as Joe): yeah, we’ve all fucking seen your pocket watch.

HUDSON (as Albert): I’m saying, if they were to fuck around with my pocket watch—

HUDSON: I open the pocket watch and I see the message.

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers] My pocket watch, it says “yours forever,” but someone, something… now it says “your soul is mine forever.”

LILIT (as Joe): That’s a ghost! See, it’s that personalized message to indicate that the ghost is directly trying to get us!

HUDSON (as Albert): Ghost watch! Ahh!

HUDSON: And I stomp it on the ground, just crack the watch into a million pieces.

LILIT (as Joe): We got any salt? I think we’re supposed to throw it in a circle or something!

HUDSON (as Albert): No-no, behind your shoulder.

LILIT (as Joe): Ah! Rockthrower, find the salt! You can throw it around better. You’re the best thrower out of all of us.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): On it!

LILIT (as Joe): I love selling drugs, and trafficking people, and doing all sorts of other terrible illegal activities, but not if I’m gonna get stabbed by a ghost!

HUDSON (as Albert): Rockthrower, are you petrified?

CAMERON: Rockthrower runs back into the room holding a canister of the Morton’s sea salt, has the thing open and is just waving it around in the air in circles around her head running around the room.

NICK: It gets in Zol’s eye.

NICK (as Zol): Agh! Watch where you throw that stuff. I’m not the ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s the curse of the ghost!

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): but you’re safe now!

LILIT (as Joe): Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not gonna stay here no more.

NICK: So we cut to outside. Xianna and Tink and Karma and HK are back behind the dumpster where they can get a good view of the garage. Karma has run back around and slid back into cover after cutting the phone line. We see Big Joe run out the front door. This small Chadra-Fan with a scary scar over one eye with no weapons, just running with his hands above his head, runs deeper into the Coruscanti night away from the garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got ‘em!

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I am a little surprised that worked on even a single member.

HUDSON (as Tink): Might have to be more convincing for the rest of them.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think if we give it a few more moments the rest of them will also leave.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my reverend persona ready if they don’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can make more spooky ghost sounds. We know some of their names now so we can use that.

CAMERON: From the vents you hear:

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers, frightened] What is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): Tell me what you waaant!

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Your soul~

HUDSON (as Albert): No! No-no-no! You don’t need that. I need that. You don’t need that at all. I definitely need that! Okay. Okay. Ugh. I don’t know why, Rockthrower, this is your fault.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): [indignant] What?!

HUDSON (as Albert): And I’m getting out of here. It’s your fault! You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): How?!

HUDSON (as Albert): You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): What?! No I do not.

HUDSON (as Albert): Why are they here then?

NICK: Albert breaks and runs for the front door, and we cut outside to seeing this Human with a bowl cut running the same direction as Big Joe, and he’s yelling “it’s all Rockthrower’s fault!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: As he runs deeper into the Coruscant night.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you, it is working. We have to just let it simmer and marinate and have time to develop.

CAMERON: Rockthrower sets the salt container on a table.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I’m just gonna go catch them… and I’ll bring them back.

NICK (as Zol): You’re coming back, right?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Oh definitely, yeah. Yeah. I’m just gonna go—I have to go get them.

NICK (as Zol): It would be so embarrassing if my three top lieutenants were to leave because of this ghost situation.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Of course! Yeah, no, totally not gonna happen, boss. Definitely will be right back. Just as soon as I get Albert and Joe we’ll be right back.

[someone makes ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Yeah… later!

NICK: Zol jumps and looks at the vents where the noise is coming from.

NICK (as Zol): This is getting out of hand.

NICK: And we see Rockthrower kick open the front door and yell “wait for me” and go running off into the night as well.

LILIT: Xianna does a little fist pump into the air.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Ah-ha! I told you. We got three of them to leave. The ghost plan is incredibly effective.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 23 Let’s Get A Caf

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 23:
Let’s Get A Caf

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

The only announcement I have for this week is: I want to say that Keyna, the Fosh jizz singer from last episode, is a patron-created NPC. Agent Sid, thank you for your long-time support of the show and for making such a fun character for us to play with. We will be seeing Keyna again soon, and we’re all very excited.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 23! Really moving right along at a fancy clip at this point. Thanks for sticking with us. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello, I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Nice. So it’s three light side, one dark side?


NICK: Perfect. When we last left off, you were all sitting on a curb eating pizza cones having figured out where the gang, the Kemslingers, are located. But that was last night. This morning the sun is rising over a smoggy Coruscant. Karma, you’ve gotten up especially early for your meeting with Keer who you haven’t seen since you were 16. What does your morning routine look like, and has anything changed on account of this meetup?

[peaceful morning music begins]

CAMERON: I think the only real thing that’s changed is that Karma doesn’t arm herself quite so heavily as she normally would. But, she gets up… I feel like Karma’s the type of person to do some stretches right when she’s waking up, kinda get limber for the day. Take a shower. Brush her head tails?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Get dressed, just her standard every-day armor, and then probably just does all of the smaller weapons and doesn’t take the carbine and the sword.

NICK: Okay, so you have between three and seven pistols currently.


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then dramatically ties the headband on and is ready to go out into the world.

[peaceful music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, you had a long night including a speed-run through several bars collecting data. What does your early morning look like?

LILIT: At the moment Xianna is nowhere to be found on the ship, just silent, like a ghost. Not like the ghost in Sabos’s room though, that ghost is quite loud. Xianna is not missing, just nowhere to be seen.

[peaceful music returns]

NICK: So we see a shot of Xianna’s room. The bed is unmade, but it’s quiet. There’s no one there. Tink, it’s bright and early, and the crew has no definite plans until at least this afternoon when you plan to attack the hideout of the Kemslingers. What are you up to?

HUDSON: In the morning, and my alarm goes off, it’s the sound of a rooster that then breaks down into a guitar solo.

[peaceful music is interrupted by rooster crowing and replaced by rock music]

As that happens, automatically the lights in the room slowly come on like a sunrise.

[peaceful morning music returns]

I get up and I stretch my arms and I yawn, and I walk over to go get some… water for breakfast.

NICK: As you leave your quarters you run into Karma who is on her way out of the ship. The landing ramp has just been lowered.

[peaceful music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, it’s your special day~ … -te.

CAMERON (as Karma): No… No.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not a special daaate?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. We discussed this last night, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): You can’t tell love when to find you. It’ll just find you.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like I can tell love not to find me, though, in particular instances.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love is a sneaky mistress.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good luck with your… meeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you… Have a good morning.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks.

NICK: We see Karma walk down the landing ramp and the ship closes, and Tink, you have the ship to yourself. We cut ahead to Karma approaching the coffee shop. The sun has brightened, but it still struggles to pierce the smog. You’re on a high enough city level where you can see the open sky and are near to an air cleaning tower which causes the nearby area to be more humid than normal for Coruscant. You can see why Keer likes this place. What do you think the coffee shop looks like? Is it large, busy, tucked out of the way?

CAMERON: Probably if it is a chain it’s like a small local family… like it may have multiple locations, but isn’t like a big corporate chain stretching over the galaxy. I think their goal with this coffee shop was just to make it as cozy and comfortable as possible so that you just never leave and just keep drinking coffee for forever. So lots of squishy booths, really comfy-looking chairs with really fancy big backs, probably some swing chairs on the patio.

NICK: You enter the coffee shop and the door rings a cheerful bell. There aren’t very many people here. This place has only been open for a little while. Behind the counter you can see several espresso machines and caf makers, and there’s two Devaronians, a man and a woman, making coffee and in between them making the more fancy lattes and things is a Herglic who takes up a large amount of the real estate. The Herglic waves you in and gives the general gesture for “take a seat wherever you like.”

CAMERON: Karma goes to probably a table that is one of the booths and sits on the side where she is facing the door. It’s probably towards the back of the restaurant.

NICK: Okay. The Herglic walks over and says:

NICK (as Herglic): Normally you would have to order up at the counter, but you’re the only one here right now, so… what can I get you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Could I just have a plain cup of caf, please?

NICK (as Herglic): Yep, absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks.

NICK: So we get a scene of Karma sitting there at this table. She gets her coffee, and it’s quiet, and some people come and go. It’s got that nice comfortable coffee shop murmur. What is Karma thinking about right now? How does she look?

CAMERON: So, probably to anyone who doesn’t know her, probably just looks bored and like she’s waiting for someone. People who know Karma will recognize the small alterations in her gestures and behavior that means that she is stressed, but it’s in a calm way. We’re not panicking, but there’s a lot going on in her head. She’s sitting there, got the caf on one side, sipping it occasionally, has her data pad out, swiping through family photos, and then will occasionally set the tablet down and just hold both hands around the caf mug. Just kind of alternating between those three activities.

NICK: You’re looking through the tablet when the door jingles. I think every time the door opens you look up kind of nervously. And in comes Keer. He looks very familiar. He looks different than he did last night, more formal. He’s wearing his uniform, his head tentacles are tied back, and he smiles brightly at you as he walks over and he slides in.

NICK (as Keer): So, what are you drinking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Caf? Just caf.

NICK (as Keer): Just plain caf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Okay. I think I’ll have one of the same.

NICK: And he gets up and heads to the counter to order. We’re gonna jump back to the ship. Tink, what are you up to on the Afternoon Delight? Xianna is nowhere to be found. Karma is off on a special meeting. You have the ship pretty much to yourself except for HK, and he mostly leaves you alone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, I have the ship to myself…

HUDSON: I rip out a fart.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [makes a long fart sound]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… that was good. Alright, what do I do now? Oh, it’s Monday!

HUDSON: Tink walks over to a TV screen in his room and he lays out his mat and he sits crisscross and hits the remote to turn on the TV. It’s his weekly yoga session. He does it to keep his pelvic floor firm and strong.

CAMERON: [snickers]

[meditation music begins]

NICK (as TV): Hello, and welcome to Galactic Yoga with Pearl Sinestra.

NICK: We see a very long and lanky alien with multiple arms that you haven’t seen anything like it except for this particular program, and her arms are waving like kelp frons in the ocean.

NICK (as Pearl): Are you ready to strengthen your internal muscles and your spirit?

NICK: There’s a long pause while she waits for the audience that she can’t hear, because she’s on TV, to respond.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes… I am.

HUDSON: I take a deep breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): [big raspy inhale]

NICK (as Pearl): That’s great. We’re going to start with one-handed handstands. Please prepare, and make sure you have a crash mat nearby in case you lose consciousness.

NICK: And the music starts to pick up, and we’re gonna cut away from Extreme Spiritual Yoga to Karma again at the coffee shop.

[meditation music ends]

Keer is stirring his coffee and fidgeting. You all have been making small talk for a few minutes.

NICK (as Keer): So… how’s life? We haven’t seen each other in so long. I was hoping to catch up a little. What have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so… like I said last night, I’m a bounty hunter, so doing a lot of bounty hunting. I got a crew that I’ve been traveling with for a while now.

NICK (as Keer): Hunting bounties?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, in our free time, yeah.

NICK (as Keer): So what has the crew been working on? Are you in shipping? Are you in transportation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… let’s say treasure hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, that’s interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s probably the best descriptor I’m gonna be able to come up with. Treasure hunting with a side of bounty hunting if they happen to be near treasure.

NICK (as Keer): Soldier of fortune type. That’s pretty cool. That’s extremely cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. It’s been fun. It’s interesting. It keeps me on my toes.

NICK (as Keer): So how long have you been doing this? Last I saw you, you were working at security.

CAMERON (as Karma): This meaning bounty hunting or this meaning the treasure hunting, bounty hunting combo?

NICK (as Keer): Both really. I’m just interested to hear what’s happened since we parted ways.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the treasure hunting slash bounty hunting combo… about a year?

NICK (as Keer): Sounds like a pretty long employment, but when did you start bounty hunting in general?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so I started apprenticing about 10-11 months after the last time I saw you, I guess. A year-ish. So, started my apprenticeship when I was 17? So a good long while, on the bounty hunting front.

NICK (as Keer): Seems… a little hypocritical of me, I guess, to say that that’s a dangerous job considering I’m in security for the senator. Ugh, whoops, “former” senator. The Senate’s not really a thing anymore, but they don’t like me to call them anything else. They’re still important, you know, since the Senate’s been abolished.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): But seems like a dangerous thing that you’re doing. What made you decide to become a bounty hunter? You had your whole career in front of you. You could have done anything. What put you down that path?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so during my security internship I realized that I was good with a lot of the more weaponry and physical combat areas of the security job, so bounty hunting uses a lot of those same skillsets. I don’t know, it seemed a lot more flexible and freeing and independent, I guess. I felt like I had a lot more control. I could accept the jobs that I wanted. I could decide not to take a job for a while. If I had gone into security that’s not really an option of just “I don’t feel like protecting someone today,” so I needed that flexibility and the freedom there.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that makes sense. You’re pretty independent. That became pretty clear when you never talked to me again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, that summer kind of ended with you saying “hey, it’s been great, you’re cool… hopefully we can stay friends,” which kind of felt like a dismissal, so I kinda just went with it.

NICK (as Keer): I don’t rem—Ugh, maybe I did say something like that. Look, you were smart, you’re still smart, and capable, and impressive. You’re out flying a ship with these terrifyingly competent mercenaries. I didn’t think you wanted to have anything to do with me, so I just gave you an out.

CAMERON (as Karma): It felt very much like a shove out, so…

NICK: We see Keer stirring his coffee faster. He’s only really had one sip of coffee, but he’s still jittery. It looks like he had coffee before he ever even got here. He takes a deep sip to buy himself some time, and we cut back to Tink, the terrifyingly competent mercenary. What ridiculous pose is he in for his internally spiritual yoga?

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel.

NICK: What does that look like? [laughs]

[meditation music returns]

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel is when you have one leg behind your head, dealer’s choice, and you’re trying to rotate slowly while humming to yourself with one hand. You have one leg behind your head for a challenge, the other leg is out for balance, and you’re on one hand spinning onto yourself while humming to yourself.

NICK: The yogi that’s on screen with her multiple arms and willowy frame makes it look really easy. Tink, you have, what, 5 points in Melee?


NICK: So you’re really strong and coordinated, so you’re able to do it, but it looks much more like a feat of athleticism from you, because it is. HK hits a button without announcing himself and your door slides open to show you in this pose.

[meditation music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, who has done this to you? You appear to be in distress.

HUDSON (as Tink): No HK, this is just yoga. It’s supposed to be relaxing.

NICK (as HK): Yoga is a fearsome foe. Where are they? I will strike them down.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, it’s a type of movement. It’s a type of sensual being with one’s self.

NICK: On that note we cut back to Karma. You two have been sitting there in awkward silence, and Keer says:

NICK (as Keer): Okay, so that’s on me, but you could have reached out if you wanted to keep in touch. I gotta say, I’m disappointed.

CAMERON (as Karma): So can we just agree that sometimes teenagers make stupid decisions?

NICK (as Keer): [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): In retrospect.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): And maybe don’t think things through entirely.

NICK (as Keer): I know I wasn’t thinking a lot of things through, but… after I saw you last night I just couldn’t help but think what if we had stayed in touch. You ever think about that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Life would have been very different.

NICK: Karma is looking into the distance and Keer kind of latches onto that.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, so you know, I worked for Luck for a really long time before she retired. She didn’t talk about it very much, because you know her, her professional life was very separated from her personal life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): She has grandkids.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes she does.

NICK (as Keer): And I know they’re not just Kismet’s, because I’ve met her. Your… husband must be very lucky.

CAMERON (as Karma): No husband, actually.

NICK (as Keer): Oh… Oh, okay. Cool. Uh… how are your kids? How old are they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Twenty-two.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two… No, that can’t—That can’t be right. That would put you as having had them when you were like 16.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. That would be accurate. So, good job, math. Yes. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Like around the time that we were together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, after that.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Uh… I guess I’m surprised to hear that you found somebody so soon after we were together. I mean, I know it was kinda like an internship fling, but… it felt special at the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I never said I found someone else after that…

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight to HK and Tink both in ridiculous poses in front of the TV.

[meditation music returns]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I do not understand the benefit of these positions. They are straining my joints.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you had blood you’d understand that blood flow has a lot to do with health.

NICK (as HK): Tink, we both know that I have been trying very hard to collect blood for myself, and I don’t appreciate you rubbing it in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know that’s a sensitive subject. I’m just saying, you wouldn’t understand, and I think we’re going into the downturn of this session. I think it’s about over.

NICK: HK is balanced on one hand and one foot and slowly shifts and then falls with a clank, and then stands up very quickly. Kind of like a cat pretending that nothing bad just happened.

NICK (as HK): I do not understand this yoga.

LILIT: Outside the door in the hallway you hear a:

LILIT (as Xianna): Well of course, HK, you can’t do the yoga. You do not have muscles and regular joints and stuff. It does not work for you.

LILIT: And the camera pans out into the hallway, into the lounge area, focuses onto the hot tub with its cover, and it zooms in through the cover of the hot tub, and we see Xianna is sleeping in a very large inner tube that is almost as big as the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds begin]

The hot tub is running. She has the same shudder shades and beaded necklaces as last night. She now has a Bride to Be sash as while there are some remnants of the pizza cone on the coat that somehow have not washed off into the hot tub. Creamsicle is resting on top of Xianna’s head, every so often scampering down, picking up some crumbs of the pizza cone and running back to nibble on them.

[bubbling sounds end]

NICK: [laughs] HK runs out of Tink’s quarters and to the hot tub and speaks through the lid that is closed.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user Xianna, you appear to be trapped within. Do you need assistance?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I do not think I need assistance. I did this to myself. I can get myself out of it.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

NICK: And HK walks away and seems to move towards a corner for some sort of charging, or maybe he’s just staring at a wall. It’s hard to tell.

HUDSON: Tink walks out of the room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, what are you—Oh! Okay Xianna, I’m not saying this is you, but I just stepped in someone’s pile of vomit that’s right by the hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we both know that I do not throw up like that. I have been in here the whole time. I am so pruney. I am just wrinkles from head to toe. It is unbelievable how pruney I am, because I have been in here so long. That is your vomit.


HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it’s mine either. Who was—HK?

NICK (as HK): Sarcastic Agreement: Yes. I, the droid, threw up organically, like you weak organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK… HK… You must do something for me. You must go onto the ship’s security cameras and play back the footage from last night and see who did the throw up.

NICK (as HK): This seems like an extremely valid use of my time. I will return and report momentarily.

NICK: And HK stalks out of the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK~

NICK: He is clearly stomping and gives a dismissive wave without looking behind him, which you can’t see because you are locked in a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I cannot see HK, but was he giving me a look? It just sounded like he was giving me a look.

HUDSON (as Tink): He gave quite a look, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

NICK: So we cut back to Karma and Keer at the coffee shop, and the coffee has stopped steaming and has been shoved away from Keer, and he’s staring at Karma.

NICK (as Keer): I feel like we’ve been talking around this, and… I would really like to hear you explain what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, I have twin sons who are 22, and you were the only one that I dated that year.

NICK (as Keer): [deep breath]

CAMERON (as Karma): Remember what I said about teenagers being stupid and making choices?

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. I don’t think you get to necessarily blame teenagers when it’s been, uh, 22 years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I’m 100% blaming 16 year old me.

NICK (as Keer): For what?

CAMERON (as Karma): For making the decision that then just continued to get hard and harder and just progressively more difficult to reverse as time went by.

NICK (as Keer): I’m just gonna come out and say it. So the decision was that we—you had kids, I’m the father, and you decided to never tell me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so 16 year old me mostly decided just to never see you again so it would never come up.

NICK (as Keer): But then we saw each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, and it’s coming up.

NICK (as Keer): [laughs uneasily] Phew… this is a lot to take in. Can I see what they look like…? Do you have a picture?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the data pad that was sitting right next to her, presses the button to turn it back on, and it’s on a photo of Karma, Jet and Juke at the most recent Life Day celebration at the Nailo household, and turns it around and slides it across the table towards him.

NICK (as Keer): Oh wow, they’re fully grown. They’re adults. He looks just like you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we get that a lot. The other one looks just like you.

NICK (as Keer): You think so?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): This is a lot to take in. So, did you start bounty hunting to provide for these kids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): And, and… they’re okay? Things are okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, they’re super. They’re both bounty hunters now. It’s kind of a family thing at this point. But yeah, they’re fantastic kids. So, the one on the left is Jet and the one on the right is Juke.

NICK: How is Karma feeling right now?

CAMERON: So this is a conversation that Karma’s known that she needed to have for like 21 years at this point, but it never happened, obviously, before this. But she has been through every possible scenario for how this conversation plays out in her head, probably multiple times at this point.

If we’re going through the flowchart of how the conversation’s going we are currently on the more positive-trending side of the chart, so not as concerned as she could be with how he’s taking it. He seems… He’s taking it at least at a level pace. So, happy about that but also very much hating that this conversation is happening right now.

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight. HK is standing in front of the security feed. Tink, did you go with him or are you still by the hot tub?

HUDSON: I don’t think I went with him. I’m still by the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. He’s standing in front of the small booth where all the security feeds run, and we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight come home after their adventure, and see Xianna step back out of her quarters, still dressed for partying, and leave the ship again without anyone noticing. HK fast-forwards some more until the landing ramp goes down and then presses a button and ejects a holo cube. He says…

NICK (as HK): I think I have discovered what happened.

NICK: …and walks back to the hot tub room and slots the holo cube into a projector which starts to fill the room with what happened when Xianna returned.

LILIT: On this grainy footage we see Xianna stumble in. Xianna now has a gigantic veil, just this huge poofy white and gold veil and a big sash that says Bride to Be, and is stumbling in. Does the video have sound or not?

NICK: Yeah, I think so.

LILIT: And she shouts, off-camera:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie everybody~! It is party time!

[rave music begins]

LILIT: And she claps, and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling, and neon lights start flashing, and the sound system turns on to just a banger of a dance number, and a stream of people come pouring into this room. At least a dozen other people all wearing bridesmaid sashes. There’s somehow three maids of honor and two best men.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: There’s a whole bunch of other people that do not have sashes either, just at least three dozen people are now crammed in this room partying. One of them is dressed as a clown for some reason, and they are having a grand old time. Somebody brings in a keg, and this continues for quite some time. The tape fast-forwards through just this generic partying until it begins to wind down a little bit, and people are kind of one-by-one leaving the party.

At some point the hot tub had been opened up and people were splashing around in the hot tub, having a great time in there. Someone introduces a pool floaty and inflates it up and throws it into the hot tub. Creamsicle is riding it around for a while as it jostles in the jets of the tub, and as there’s only a few people left Xianna gets into the tub, gets into the ring, picks up Creamsicle and sets her on top of herself, and apparently falls asleep since she kind of stops moving and just slowly spins in a circle as the jets push the tube.

The person dressed as a clown comes over to the hot tub and just throws up all over the floor, into the shag carpeting, everything. Takes a few steps back, looks at it, looks around the room and sees that nobody else was looking, and just leaves. The last people to leave press a button on the wall that turns off the light, retracts the disco ball, shuts off the sound system, and raises the cover back over the Jacuzzi.

[rave music ends]

NICK: Then we see fast-forward of the dark room for quite a while and then we see HK run into the room and we are pretty much caught up back to the present as HK turns the projector off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. HK, Tink, there was a clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, I recognize that clown. It’s one of the more popular clowns in this part of the galaxy. It’s Pinkie.

LILIT (as Xianna): What do you mean? Pinkie the clown? I don’t remember that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Somehow you got a top-tier clown artist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure that was the right clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. They also double as a magician. They’re Pankie the magician. It’s weird.

[a cat meows loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. They have a different stage name from when they are a clown and when they are a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I mean, it’s two different personas. You would want different names, wouldn’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait-wait-wait, so it is not the same stage show? It is two different performances on two different nights? Or do you mean it’s like an afternoon matinee performance and then an evening performance?

HUDSON (as Tink): It depends on the gig. I mean, you got him in here. Maybe you have connections now. Look at your phone. Do you have Pinkie in your phone?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have my coms with me.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, we cannot continue this conversation with the lid of a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t see why not. It is perfectly fine. It is dark and warm in here. It is very comforting. But if you insist, you may release me from the hot tub.

NICK: HK presses a button and the hot tub lid slides back revealing Xianna and Creamsicle.

LILIT: A just massive puff of steam releases when the cover is opened up and you can see that the jets have been on this whole time. Creamsicle is entirely wet, just fur slicked down with water.

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Okay… I should maybe get out of the hot tub.

NICK: [smiling] And we jump back to the coffee shop.

NICK (as Keer): So I’m a dad, I guess, right?

CAMERON: Karma’s just kind of like doing shallow nods, kinda just constantly.

NICK (as Keer): You understand this is a lot to take in… You kinda made my decision for me on if I was gonna be around. You know I would have helped. Like, whatever happened between us that’s something I would have done.

CAMERON (as Karma): So me, adult me, now, yes? But let me walk you through 16 year old Karma’s reasoning here.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, that sounds good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That now I’ve been dealing with. So, my internship ended. The last conversation we had seemed very much like a dismissal and a termination of that relationship.

So several months later when I found out that I was pregnant, didn’t reach out at that point probably mostly due to hurt, I think? It transformed probably within those first few weeks after I found out to not wanting to tell you as, I don’t know, some sort of retribution for you hurting my feelings by seemingly just breaking up with me and saying goodbye, and that “hey, it’s been fun,” and just making me not feel… relationship worthy? Worthy of an internship fling, but nothing of a continuation past that point. Not worth keeping up long-distance.

Then, from there, morphed into a determination that I didn’t need help and I could do it myself. I think that was mostly in response to the hurt feelings, me deciding that I could have this kid—and then it turned into kids—on my own, and I didn’t need you to be successful there? And then it kind of stayed in that determined independence phase for a good long while.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well no, not that whole time. I’d say we were probably in that phase of thinking for three years or so, so until they were about two and a half.

So I had started bounty hunting, was still very much set on the being able to do everything myself, which wasn’t true. I had fantastic family support, and my dad and Kismet watched the boys whenever I’d go out on a job, so I wasn’t quite as there as I thought I was. But after that point, started to realize that I probably should tell you. Kept putting it off, because… how do you start this conversation?

By the time I decided that I needed to tell you the twins were like four or five and at that point I’d been keeping the secret for that long, so then just kept putting it off, and then at that point it was like well, they’ve grown up… [chuckles] It was just always easier to just avoid this situation.

NICK (as Keer): What if I hadn’t asked you to get coffee? Would you not have told me?

CAMERON (as Karma): I would have.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that’s reassuring.

CAMERON (as Karma): The thing that was really allowing my continuation of avoidance behavior is that I hadn’t seen you.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I could excuse it away, that the opportunity just hadn’t come up.

NICK (as Keer): And we just happened to run into each other. That’s… well. [exhales] Do they know about me?

CAMERON (as Karma): They know that their father was someone who I saw during my internship.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm. Can I meet them…?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s a conversation I have to have with them first.

NICK (as Keer): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re adults, they can make their own decisions, but I need them to have the information to be able to make those decisions with the full knowledge of everything.

NICK (as Keer): Well, you have my com number now. I gave it to you yesterday. I hope you’ll pass it along to them, and I hope they want to reach out. I would really like to meet them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I don’t know when the next time I’ll see them is, but… when I do I will talk to them.

NICK (as Keer): You’re not gonna wait 22 years?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, waiting until they are 44 seems nice. Good round number.

NICK (as Keer): Karma. Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm?

NICK (as Keer): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m obviously joking.

NICK (as Keer): I know, it’s just… this is a lot, okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): I know. I’m trying to lighten the mood.

NICK (as Keer): It kind of worked. This is… you know, even with all this, it has been really good to see you, but I gotta go. If you’re still in town in a few days maybe give me a call. I’m gonna get out of here.

NICK: He tosses some credits on the table and stands to leave.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: The next thing that we see is Karma boarding the ship. What scene does she see as she comes into the main part of the ship? What are Xianna and Tink and HK doing? [chuckles]

HUDSON: I’m a little bit peeved and making a lot of really wide-ranging gestures at Xianna for throwing a party on our ship while I was sleeping and causing a mess in the shag carpeting.

LILIT: Xianna is currently in the large stand-in hair dryer drying off since she had spent an entire evening in a hot tub and is holding Creamsicle in the bust of her jacket with her hands earmuffed over Creamsicle’s ears so it’s not too loud, and you can just hear over the roar of the dryer Xianna screaming.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear you, Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t you act like you can’t hear me!

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear what you are saying at all! The hair dryer, it is too loud! I have to stay in here until I get not pruney! I can’t hear you!

HUDSON (as Tink): Nothing but excuses from you. Ugh!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not my fault! I have no idea what you are saying, but if you are mad at me about the throw up, remember that I didn’t do it, the clown did!

NICK: Xianna, your lekku are blowing in the dryer up above your head and HK is standing near the onramp as Karma walks in.

NICK (as HK): Karma, I am glad to see you. There has been an incident on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what incident?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t step in it. That incident.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s a pile of vomit over here from an unauthorized, unofficial bachelorette—I don’t know, some type of wedding-related party that came onto our ship that Xianna proctored.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK should be the one who cleans it up, because if you think about it he let me have the party by not keeping tabs on everybody!

HUDSON (as Tink): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): He should have been out on patrol!

NICK: HK makes a frustrated and confused gesture between Xianna and karma and Tink and then throws his hands up and stalks out of the room again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or you can go find the clown! If you find the clown you can make him clean it up!

NICK: On the way out, HK punches the button that turns off the dryer and it sinks back into the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I am still inside the dryer! [becoming muffled] Do not put me up again, that has already happened!


NICK: Does anyone release Xianna?

HUDSON: I go over and release Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink. We would have been trapped in there for a while. So anyways, um… somebody will clean that up. Karma, how did your date with your baby daddy go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, how’d your date go?

CAMERON (as Karma): It was about as awkward as one might imagine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am assuming he did not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just based on everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, big oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed, big oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): Biggest of oofs. But I mean, it went well. Nobody got stabbed, right? Or did you stab?

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re not bleeding.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. No one got stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good. Good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a very positive way to think about it. I’m going to think about it like that now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Any important conversation you have with another person where nobody gets stabbed is good, or even an attempted stabbing. I’m not saying that I have attempted to stab people during conversations, just… it happens, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, it’s kind of a shot in the dark here, but uh… did he understand why you waited so many years to tell him?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Obviously not.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. It was just a slight hope there, not a big chance but I had to ask.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… no, I mean, I explained the stupid decisions that stupid teenagers are prone to make, and then how fixing those decisions just becomes more and more awkward as more time passes… and just not fixing it is the much simpler solution.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes, life lessons for all.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that is the correct life lesson, because that is what I would have said.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I feel like I should not be giving the life lessons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, would  not recommend.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am currently doing that to like at least three people, so… I feel like everybody else should know better.

CAMERON (as Karma): People who don’t know that you have kids with them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I have no kids with nobody.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And nobody has kids with me. Just, I mean like, having important conversations I should be having with people, telling them important things, but just not. Just not ever calling them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like your tax attorney.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have a tax attorney.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not anymore. You stopped calling them.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): And technically she’s dead, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I am technically dead and I have never paid taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would I have a tax attorney?

HUDSON (as Tink): Good point. Good point. Well, I’m glad that you’re alive, neutral to sad that it didn’t go as great as it could have, but I’m happy that you’re okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly do think it went about as well as it could have.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! Celebration popsicles then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. First we will have the popsicles, and then after that we go kill the Kemslingers, okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, them.

CAMERON (as Karma): That will take off some tension. That will make me feel better.

NICK: [laughs] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

PDF download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 22:
And All That Jizz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Stealth Suit Stanley for your review. Thank you for the kind words. It is really good to hear when people enjoy the show.

We also have a new patron to thank. Donald A. Fowler, thank you so much for supporting the show. If you could help us out with something, Falx seems to have wandered off and we get worried when we don’t know what he’s up to. Please track him down for us. I’ll give you some advice. If you sing “dun da-na-na na,” he absolutely can’t resist finishing with “dun-dun!”

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 22. A beautiful night in the Star Wars universe. Welcome to… this adventure. Hello. … We’re all fine here. How are you?

HUDSON: … Who are you talking to?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The audience.


CAMERON: Okay, cool.

NICK: Uh, anyway…

LILIT: He’s talking to the cats.

CAMERON: Are you waiting for them to answer?

NICK: Yeah, like… [stammers] Can you point to the map on where the next adventure is?

CAMERON: [laughing] I was about to say, it’s like Dora the Explorer. “Can you say map?”

NICK: [grinning] I’m your host and game master, Nick!

CAMERON: Good job!

NICK: Thank you.


NICK: Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: [higher pitched] Hi, I’m Fry, and I’m gonna try and eat all the equipment on the sound board.


LILIT: Chew on the little knobs and bat the dice around and get them under the doors and into the vents. You’ll never see them again~

NICK: Fry, put Lilit back on the microphone.

LILIT: Hi, I’m Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Thank you Lilit for setting Fry back on the ground. That had me nervous for a second.

LILIT: Yeah, you know, he was so high up in the air and he’s wiggly. He can really get away from you pretty fast.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] Aiming for those knobs.

LILIT: But it was a very smooth transition there.

NICK: Mm-hmm! Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: [doing the voice] Ha-ho! I’m Mickey Mouse! [mumbles] . Ha-ho!


HUDSON: I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. So, before we start with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: Two light side!

CAMERON: [gasps]

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: That was pretty good. When we last left off you all got pizza, Xianna and Nolaa made out in a bathroom, you learned where a piece of the Shattered Force was—the Space Breaker, and you found out that it was being held by a Fosh that is a jizz singer named Keyna and were given the address of the Blue Bantha jizz club. Small side note, jizz is jazz in Star Wars. Just reminding everyone, when I say jizz think the word jazz and nothing else.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do wish that this was a visual medium so that I could put a little jizz counter in the bottom of a corner and it could ring up every time we say jizz in this episode!

CAMERON: If you’re hanging out in the new episode chat on our Discord right now, please tell us how many times jizz is said in this episode. [laughs]

NICK: That’s very good.


HUDSON: Nick, when is HK gonna do a solo of the famous Chicago song ‘And All That Jizz’?

NICK: HK already did. It actually happened before we started recording.



NICK: So it’s one of the lost files, unfortunately.

LILIT: We weren’t invited to that. We’re not cool enough.

CAMERON: [laughing] It was just Nick sitting in a room by himself singing in the HK voice.

NICK: With the vocoder on. So, with that wonderful image, let’s get into it.

The Blue Bantha jizz club – it’s cutting-edge, fashionable, and nostalgic all at the same time. We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight as they stand in the entrance to the club. The light is low and blue. There is a bar on each side of the room which seats over 50 beings but still gives the impression of being close and homey.

Everybody tell me one thing about the Blue Bantha that sets it apart.

[smooth electronic jazz begins]

CAMERON: In the entryway to the club there is a rather large fountain that has a bantha as the statue in the center of it, and it’s doing the typical cherub pose where the water is coming out of the hands of the bantha. That’s not how banthas stand, but that’s how this one stands. And it is of course in blue marble.

NICK: The interesting thing is it looks like a cheap statue, like this was installed over a previous sculpture at some point in the recent past. The marble doesn’t really match, which gives less of an elegant look than maybe the designer was going for. That’s great. What else?

HUDSON: There are cage dancers, but they are antigravity cages that kinda float around and twist and turn.

NICK: Cool. Yeah, there’s some Twi’leks and some Humans and—

HUDSON: Herglics.

CAMERON: [pleased] Herglics.

NICK: Yeah, and a couple of Herglics in cages, and they’re dancing to the music that’s playing from a location that you can’t quite see, and it very much adds to the décor.

LILIT: There is a second-story floor that has little semi-private booths, and they have very intricate beaded curtains covering them as sort of a little privacy net.

NICK: Oh, that’s very cool. You can see that there are waiters coming in and out of those private booths with very expensive-looking cocktails serving the more VIP clientele. The spiral staircase in the corner that leads up to that floor has a large bouncer standing in front of it. You would assume that getting up there would be a little difficult but worth it, because the view is impeccable.

[music changes to more energetic party jazz]

As you stand, taking this scene in and looking around for a seat, a spotlight pops up and you notice a small stage against the back of the club. Standing on the stage is a Bith playing a kloo horn. The spotlight splits and you see another Bith on a piano as they begin to dance their fingers along glowing keys. Soon the stage is illuminated to show a full band with drums and a jizz box. The song is frantic, dark and energetic like a fresh cup of caf. The announcer’s voice floats over the music.

NICK (as announcer): Please welcome to our stage, the one, the only, Keyna~!

NICK: You see a Fosh, which is basically like a bird person, with black feathers and dark green accent feathers. Her red eyes set off the sequence on her small stylish hat, and her red-fringed flapper dress sways as she walks to the microphone. Her voice quiets the room: smooth, low and sultry as she sings. Her song is about the need to cut loose, drink, and enjoy yourself, and you can see the business at the bar picks up.

CAMERON: So we knew we were coming to a club. Did we dress to come to a club or are we in our standard outfits?

NICK: You see a mixture of people wearing evening wear and people wearing more practical clothes in the Star Wars universe, so you could get away with either. What do you think? Did y’all change?

HUDSON: I have a top hat.

LILIT: [smiling] A top hat? Okay.

NICK: Nice. Got that out of the ship.

HUDSON: The costume closet.

CAMERON: I think karma changed and has removed a good portion of her arsenal.

NICK: Okay, so you have like a thigh holster with a blaster in it or something?

CAMERON: I have a vibro-knife and a hold out blaster.

NICK: Cool. So what are you wearing?

CAMERON: I have to match Tink’s top hat, so… like a black but with a gold glitter to it sheath dress that has a looser fitting cowl at the top across the chest and has quite a flowy skirt so you can’t tell that she has guns attached to her leg, but is still wearing her normal boots.

NICK: What about Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna would keep her main outfit, however she would switch out the normal black fabric belt on the trench coat for a more decorative gold filigree belt.

NICK: Ooh.

[music fades]

LILIT: Then she also has a Twi’lek headdress that is black with some similar gold embroidery that matches the belt.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve still got the trench coat, you’ve just accented it in a more formal fashion.

LILIT: It is hard to get Xianna out of the trench coat. Eh? But there’s also a wink attached to that.


LILIT: Asterisk, it is hard to get Xianna to wear something other than the trench coat is maybe a more accurate statement. Probably keeping the boots, because the boots are a nice black wedged heel with some rainbow oil snakeskin detailing at the top, so they’re already kind of nice.

NICK: Yeah. So, as this song continues, do you head to the bar, do you split up, do you go to try and grab a table? What is the objective here? The person that you came to see is singing on stage, so you’re not gonna necessarily be able to interrupt that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s find a table.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [stilted] We look for an empty table.

NICK: Yeah. As Tink says “let’s find a table,” you can see that there’s a couple of those chest-high tables without chairs around it where you can set cocktail drinks down. It’s mostly standing room in this club except for the VIP booths up top, but there is empty space both at the bar and at one of those little tables where you could get drinks and enjoy the concert if that’s what you wanna do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Waiter! Waiter? Could I get a Shirley Temple, please?

NICK (as waiter): Absolutely.

NICK: The waiter looks around to see if Karma and Xianna want something as well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Diet Coke, please.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as waiter): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, can I get a Naboo martini please?

NICK (as waiter): Of course.

NICK: The waiter walks off. We get this swinging shot of the waiter walking away as this song is continuing. As the song ends there’s a long round of applause. The waiter unobtrusively slides your drinks onto the table without getting in the way of your view of the stage, and the lighting is moody and makes things look a little more monochrome, and the singer segues into a slow sultry ballad.

[gentle music begins]

Her colored feathers that were accenting her mostly dark plumage shift to a deep purple that complement the lighting, and the spell of the music seems to deepen, but you’re able to still look around and kinda analyze the room, see the scene. Do you listen to the rest of the concert or do you try to get any information or anything?

LILIT: Xianna is absolutely gonna case the joint from the table.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So just peering around for exits, for any windows, windows that seem like they would open, windows that don’t seem like they would open. Where are service entrances? How many floors, how many tables, how many workers? What do the bodyguards look like? How big are the bodyguards? Do they look very buff? Do they  have earpieces? Are they on coms? All of that fun information. I assume that would be Skulduggery.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be hard difficulty, though.

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: Wow, you have a lot in Skulduggery apparently.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do. Four successes.

NICK: So you notice a couple of things. On the surface, this bar looks like kind of a dive, the kind of place where they don’t have a lot of security because there’s not really anything to steal, minus the obvious bouncer by the staircase, but you also see that there are things here that are nicer than that.

As you peer closer you do notice that there’s a few security cameras very unobtrusively tucked into the corners, and you see that some of the patrons of this bar are not really watching the show and they’re not really drinking, they’re watching the crowd. So it seems like there’s some security here that isn’t necessarily dressed like security, and those people all look sharp to you. They look like people who have seen conflict and who are ready to throw down if they have to, and you see the obvious bulge of a couple of blasters in their coat pockets.

You do also note that there’s a side exit and it looks like there’s an exit at the back of the stage that would go to some dressing rooms and things, and you can see the service entrance there as well, so you would be able to make your way backstage pretty easily. The other thing you notice is that the bartenders both avoid part of the area under the bar when they’re making drinks like something is stashed there that’s not alcohol, maybe like a blaster or something.

And, with four successes… this whole floor could turn into a shooting range very easily from those bars. Like, it’s set up to look unobtrusive and relaxed and kind of aged glamor sort of look, a bit of an older and worn out thing, but this place is also set up for good sightlines and defense which is a little surprising.

LILIT: Based on Xianna’s experience with smuggling and thievery and general scoundrelry, does this appear to be a bar that is maybe gang activity or is it they are holding more valuable items somewhere and they want that added security? Or something else?

[music ends]

NICK: This place looks like a front to you.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So not necessarily like they have something valuable. You don’t see anywhere where there would be necessarily a safe or any of the security measures that would be like “this is a treasure room.” What you do see is that these security and everything look like gangsters, essentially. This is a place where an organization meets up and it’s kind of their home base, and you very much identify that very quickly.

LILIT: Wonderful. Xianna does lean in towards everyone at the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, by the way, this is some sort of front for like gang activity or thieves or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ I wonder what’s in the back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we will have to see.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you said it was a front and then I said it was the back. It was a joke…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. I understand it was a joke, it’s just… there is a front and a back.

NICK: The song slowly comes to an end and everyone cheers. You can see Keyna, the singer, make a quick gesture to wherever the MC is up on the second floor, and you hear:

NICK (as announcer): Wasn’t that amazing, folks? Keyna will be back later tonight but will be taking a quick break of the set. Please enjoy our instrumentals.

NICK: Keyna turns and walks backstage. The lighting comes up a little bit and fully lights the stage, and you can see the band starting to play away just some happy cantina music just to keep everybody busy while they drink and talk. It looks like Keyna has gone backstage to rest and may be alone where you could talk to her if you wanted to.

CAMERON: I have a question…

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: …that seems like something that we should’ve asked earlier. Do we have HK with us or is it just the three of us?

NICK: Yeah, HK is there.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s HK’s formal wear?

NICK: HK has a little bowtie on.

LILIT: Beautiful.


CAMERON: Good. Good.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder… do they take requests?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not that kind of club.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do you know it’s not that kind of club?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is just not.

CAMERON (as Karma): What song were you going to request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanted to request an old Fall Out Bay song, Exit to Endor: Love Found on a Beach Week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one, but they would definitely not play it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not that kind of club? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not that kind of club.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, does everybody else see all the secret security?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, I’m pretty aloof.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

LILIT: Is there a cocktail napkin under one of the glasses?

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: What Xianna does is Xianna takes the napkin and holds it next to the glass and, she had ordered a martini, so there’s some sort of fancy little thing on a toothpick, and takes out the toothpick and sort of casually, very surreptitiously, uses the drink to make little dots on the napkin while not looking and talking to the group so that anyone looking by would just think she’s fidgeting or messing with something, and marks where the door is and where the group is, and slides it back over.

LILIT (as Xianna): The dots are the security. You should not look at them directly, they will see you. You are very big and noticeable.

NICK (as HK): And carrying an axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

HUDSON: I look down at my axe.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. It’s, uh… it’s kinda out there. I’m proud of it, but it’s out there, especially in this jizz club.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, for some reason that sounds inappropriate.

LILIT (as Xianna): What, jizz? It is just a type of music.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no, how he was talking about his axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. It did seem a little iffy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just proud of what I got.

LILIT (as Xianna): But is a jizz club the place to show it off?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s continuing.

HUDSON (as Tink): If not at a jizz club, where?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, like a combat situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ren fair?

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a good point. Yes.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you know what they say, it’s not the size of your vibro-axe it’s how you use it, and Tink is quite skilled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, HK knows.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was just suggesting combat situation. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): We think that this could become a combat situation. Security does look quite intense. I agree with secondary user Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, investigation mode, I will do it.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. Uh… I am here to support you, secondary user Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. You are a good friend, HK.

NICK (as HK): And you are a good friend to me, threatening me with changing my brain setup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes indeed. Okie. Do you all want to try to sneak into the back or do you want me to just casually sneak in?

HUDSON (as Tink): I can cause a distraction if needed.

CAMERON (as Karma): What were you thinking for a distraction?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would get up on stage and start singing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that is a great distraction.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a distraction. I will say, that is where the stage door is, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: So there is a stage door to the left of the stage that would lead backstage without getting onto the stage, but yeah, the stage is low enough and informal enough that, Tink, you could get up there without someone being able to probably stop you right away until they figured out what you were doing.


LILIT (as Xianna): You know, if you do that, HK and I can take it from there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Just tell me when. I have a song queued up. I’ll have them hit the lights on me. I haven’t done this in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whenever you want to go, you—

HUDSON: I start walking up there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, are you going to stay out here and watch this?

LILIT: And Xianna gestures broadly towards the stage.

LILIT (as Xianna): This mess? Or are you going to come with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I will come with y’all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Here you go.

LILIT: Xianna, out of seemingly thin air, has procured a drink tray and thrusts it into Karma’s hands.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are going to want to pick up some drinks along the way. Quick-quick we go!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get an overhead shot of people standing at these standing tables and the band is playing. Tink walks close to the stage. The bouncer who’s by the staircase eyes him suspiciously for a second before dismissing him, and Tink is facing away from the stage, and in one quick step just puts his leg back and steps up (whoop), and is suddenly on stage and does a spin and is standing in front of the microphone. The band that was playing peters to a halt and the spotlight snaps on and the lights go down and just spotlights Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi, patrons! I’m… uh, Tron.

NICK (as audience): Woo! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m here—Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, my man. Um… so, I’m here today to play you, to sing you a nice little ditty.

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird~!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s not—

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ditty, but not… that’s not what I’m playing. Okay, I’m just gonna go, okay?

NICK: And one of the Biths that’s behind you, Tink, leans forward. It’s the one that was on the piano.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Hey bro, what are we playing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Ah, Rocket Man.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Oh! Oh yeah, of course, that famous Star Wars song, Rocket Man.


NICK: And the opening chords start.

HUDSON (as Tink): [in a slower spoken word style] She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero, hour 9 AM, and I’m gonna be high… as a kite! By then.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: And we zoom away from that. The entire room is mesmerized by this. Nobody goes to interrupt it. We see Xianna and HK and Karma walking very quickly to take advantage of that distraction towards that back door. As you are walking towards your goal, a Nautolan who seems mesmerized by Tink’s performance bumps into Karma on his way walking the other direction.

Karma, you make a quick moment of eye contact and there’s a lightning bolt of recognition. Xianna, you have a moment to see them knock into each other and they both stop, and he looks familiar to you. You’re not really sure why. You don’t know him, but for some reason he looks familiar. The Nautolan stops and leans in to speak very quickly and says:

NICK (as Nautolan): K-Karma?! It’s been years! How are you?

LILIT: The moment this interaction begins Xianna twirls around and seamlessly picks up the tray away from Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): You seem like you are going to be busy. Okay bye. HK, this is yours now.

NICK: That happens so quickly the Nautolan doesn’t even notice, he so absorbed with Karma.

NICK (as Nautolan): I’m doing really well. I got promoted recently. I’m, ahem, extremely successful. How are you?

CAMERON (as Karma): [performative] I… I am good. Imagine seeing you here… Wow!

CAMERON: They do a hug that is the awkward hug of you’re now 40 and this is someone you dated in high school.

NICK: With that he leans back from the hug.

NICK (as Nautolan): Who would have thought, Keer and karma meeting up back on Coruscant.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m… shocked.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that conversation to Xianna and HK. I think they’ve already slipped into the door. There’s a short hallway and then a very standard wooden door with a gold star on it. You’re standing in front of the room where presumably the singer has gone to rest. Do you just barge in? Do you knock? What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna knocks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. We have a scheduling question!

NICK: The door flies open and you see Keyna, this Fosh singer, and she’s wearing a fluffy bathrobe that’s tied pretty low.

NICK (as Keyna): Look, I’m trying to prepare for the next performance, so you—You don’t work here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not. Okay. HK, you go into the room now. Okay. We are going to come in here and we are going to have a little chat. Okie-dokie?

NICK (as Keyna): Okay. You have my interest.

NICK: She steps out of the way. HK’s already slid in behind her. As you go in I assume you shut the door behind you.

LILIT: Xianna shuts the door and I imagine there’s a fancy vanity that has a large mirror and the ring lighting around it and Xianna goes and just sits on top of that, of course not into the chair, on the vanity, and takes just whatever drink is on HK’s tray and starts sipping on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Keyna, fabulous singer of the Blue Bantha, I—

NICK (as Keyna): Whoa! Who told you it was called the Blue Bantha? This is the Songbird. It hasn’t been the Blue Bantha in months.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there is a Blue Bantha statue…

NICK (as Keyna): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): …and I’m pretty sure one of the napkins had Blue Bantha Jizz Club on it, and when we were given directions we were told it was the Blue Bantha Jizz Club.

NICK (as Keyna): [muttering] Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha… Everyone talks about Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): So what is it called?

NICK (as Keyna): It’s called the Songbird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Keyna): If you want to have this conversation with me, please, call it the Songbird, and I’m Keyna, like you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine then. Keyna, fabulous singer of the Songbird, you recently procured an item, and the problem is that we need it back, or more importantly you bought it from someone who bought it from us who should not have bought it from us, and we need it. So, we can buy it back from you or we can take it back from you.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh…

NICK: You see her facial expression kind of rearrange.

NICK (as Keyna): What exactly did I buy?

LILIT: A moment of blank confusion crosses Xianna’s face. She does a swivel towards HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do you remember the actual name of it? Because, um, I only have an inappropriate nickname to call it.

NICK (as HK): I believe that it was referred to by our… employer as the Space Breaker. It is a crystal rod about a third of a meter long.

LILIT (as Xianna): I believe it is yellow.

NICK: Keyna raises her eyebrows.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh… yeah, I bought that for someone else, actually. It’s funny you should bring that up. You see, you might be able to help me with that, because it got stolen recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Grief. I always hate this. This always happens!

NICK: And we’re gonna jump back to Tink singing on the stage. Where are you at?

HUDSON (as Tink): [energetic and poorly] I think it’s gonna be a long, long time! ‘Til touchdown brings me round again to find. I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no-no-no~!

LILIT (as audience): Woo!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a rocket man!

LILIT (as audience): Yeah! [claps]

HUDSON (as Tink): Rocket man~!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!


NICK: The bouncer is like snapping and really getting into it from where he is by the staircase. No one has gone to stop you, because this performance is so good. The camera swings away from Tink and he fades into the background as we see Karma and this other Nautolan, presumably Keer, having an awkward conversation in the middle of the floor.

CAMERON: So I think we have shifted over to the bar.

NICK: Okay. So you’re at the bar, and he’s leaning on it.

NICK (as Keer): So, um… what have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, lots of bounty hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Okay~

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, I had heard you didn’t end up going into security like your mom or like I did, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. You know, plans change. You don’t always wanna do what you think you do when you’re 16.

NICK (as Keer): [chuckles] That’s what I did. I’ve been in security ever since protecting the senator, you know. Your mom retired recently, and I’m sure she’s having a great time on Glee Anselm, but… did she say who replaced her? Because it was me, actually. I’m now in charge of the senator’s security detail.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well congratulations. I haven’t actually talked to my mom since Life Day, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): …did not get that update, but congrats! You worked a long time to get there. It’s very cool.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. Yeah! It is extremely cool. I like it a lot. Listen, do you wanna, like, get out of here, maybe go somewhere more quiet?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I would love to, but I’m here with him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Roc-ket maaan~!

LILIT (as audience): yeah, rocket man! Yeah~! [claps]

CAMERON (as Karma): So um… I’m here for a while, I think. A few of our other crewmates are here as well, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. You’re not working a job, are you? Operating on Coruscant is kind of touch-and-go legal-wise.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t seen any bounty offices since we got here. We’re just trying to track something down for a friend.

NICK (as Keer): So if you’re busy tonight that’s fine, I understand, but this is kind of a wild happenstance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [tightly] Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): I think we should… We shouldn’t just let this go to waste, right? We haven’t talked since I was, what… 18?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Uh-huh.

NICK (as Keer): It’s been a long time. You okay? You’re looking a little pale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, I’m fine. I think I just drank my Diet Coke too fast.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Hey, listen, there’s a caf place in the district that serves a really nice cup, actually.

NICK: He pulls out a business card and scribbles something on it in pen and hands it to you.

NICK (as Keer): Why don’t we meet there tomorrow, in the morning? Say like 8 AM?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’d love to.

NICK (as Keer): Great! Well, it’s been really good to see you, Karma. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a date!

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK: And he like goes to do a hug then realizes that Karma’s very still and not going to reciprocate and pauses for a second with his arms up, and then drops them, and then holds his hand out for a handshake.

CAMERON: Karma gives him a good handshake.

NICK: They do a very business-like handshake. You can see he’s blushing a little, and he turns and heads towards the door. We’re gonna cut back to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so who do we have to go and steal it from now?

NICK (as Keyna): You know how I blew up about the Blue Bantha thing? The former “owners—”

NICK: She does air quotes.

NICK (as Keyna): —were the ones that named it that. I used to be here a long time ago, and they took it from me, and I finally took it back and renamed it the Songbird, but in the process I may have made some enemies, and these gang members, these drug runners, stole the Space Breaker from me. I was going to give it to someone very important to pay a debt, so it would be great if you could get that back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. One, what is the gang called? What is the gang name?

NICK (as Keyna): They’re called the Kemslingers. They’re a local Coruscanti group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. That is a terrible name. I hate them already. I will steal from them of course. Two, problem: again, I need this.

NICK (as Keyna): Tell you what. I am so tired of them. If you get it back and steal it from them, and if they happen to be disbanded as a group due to excessive fatalities… you can keep it. I’ll pay off my debt to my… I don’t wanna say employer or boss, but she has some dirt on me. I can pay my debt off a different way though.

LILIT: Xianna sets her drink back down on the vanity.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you love murder. This is going to be great. Okay. Thank you, Keyna, for this valuable information. I hope whatever your whole deal here is at the Songbird works out. Whatever you are hiding in the back or selling, whatever it is. Ooh wait, is it drugs?!

NICK (as Keyna): No. No, I never work in drugs, sweetie.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, never mind. Well, disappointments all around. HK, we are going now.

LILIT: And hops down off the vanity and walks back to the door and closes it but pops her head back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, it was lovely talking to you. Goodbye~

NICK (as Keyna): Yes. Remember, the Kemslingers, and uh… no survivors please~

LILIT (as Xianna): We will probably do that, or like 98%. You know, 99.99%.

NICK (as Keyna): That sounds good, sweetie. Thank you.

NICK: And she goes back to powdering her cheeks at her vanity mirror now that you’re not sitting on it anymore. So Xianna, you leave this hallway, you open the door, HK’s right behind you. You bump almost into Karma who is standing at the door about to follow you in. Tink is getting a standing ovation for his first song. You step out of the hallway and shut the door before anyone can see, and you’re standing by the door to the side of the stage, and Tink launches into another rendition of a wonderful and classic hit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, this is another jizz classic.

LILIT (as audience): Yeah~! [claps] Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. Thank you, my man.

LILIT (as audience): Whoa-ho! Yeah~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Aruba. Jamaica. Ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on pretty mamas.

LILIT (as audience): [mumbling along loudly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing it!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!


HUDSON (as Tink): Key Largo. Montego. Baby why don’t we go down to Kokomo!

LILIT (as audience): Kokomo~!

HUDSON: I see Xianna walking away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh! Uh… [rushed] That’s where we wanna go—Johnny, play me off!

HUDSON: I tip my hat and walk off the stage as the band plays me off.

NICK: The piano player is like…

NICK (as pianist): [indignant] My name’s Fino.

NICK: …but starts playing. Dink-a-dink-a-dink. Da-da-da ba-da-bum! And you step off the stage very jazz handsy. The bouncer who was guarding the stairs comes over to you and looks really big and intimidating and then pats you on the shoulder.

NICK (as bouncer): Man, that was some of the best singing we’ve had in this club for a long time. Now don’t tell Keyna I said that, she does own this place, and she’s great, but you just bring a certain inspiration and energy to that stage. I hope that you’ll come back. I really enjoyed myself.

NICK: Then he straightens his security shirt and goes back to standing by the stairs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Come back! Thank you so much for your kind words. Take this guitar pick to remember me by.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as bouncer): You, uh… didn’t play guitar.

HUDSON (as Tink): You didn’t see me play guitar. That’s how good I am. Wanna see me do it again?

NICK (as bouncer): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): [smug] There you go.

NICK (as bouncer): [chuckles] Wow. Fastest guitar player in the galaxy. I’m gonna hang onto this. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. What’s your name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Tron.

NICK (as bouncer): Right, Tron… I’ll remember that. When you’re famous, don’t forget about your time here at the Blue Ban—at the Songbird Jizz Club.

NICK: And he goes back to stand by the staircase. You all are able to meet up at a quiet corner of the bar to make notes and compare stories.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, the space dildo was stolen from Keyna by a gang called the Kemslingers, and if we go kill the gang and all of that so they are no longer operating, we can keep it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Easy enough? I don’t know. Are they dangerous? Do we have any other context on this group?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, she said local gang, so I assume they’re not that bad if they are local.

CAMERON: Karma now has a tablet. Where did it come from? We don’t know. It was somewhere in her dress. And is on the bounty hunter site and is looking up the Kemslingers gang.

NICK: They’re small-time. They do a little bit of drug running. It looks like maybe there’s been some slavery charges that were dropped. But in the grand scheme of things in the galaxy they’re pretty low on the radar. It’s the kind of thing where you could turn them in for a small amount of credits and a thank you, but the local police don’t seem very interested in paying out. The government isn’t putting a large bounty on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): They seem real small-time. We’ve taken on bigger enemies. They’re not worth that much.

NICK: Xianna and Tink, you notice that Karma is acting weird. She seems kind of distracted and uncomfortable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, you’re acting weird. You seem distracted and uncomfortable.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Tink!

LILIT: Xianna kicks him underneath the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Shh. That was- I don’t- … Tink, do you not know how to do math? Like, look at Karma. Look at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, I see her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now look at that man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this the math of love?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is the only math I know how to do.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I always say that. I always joke about not knowing how to do the math, but actually I am pretty okay at doing the math when I need to because of the money and stealing and stuff. I just don’t like it. I need a calculator to help.

HUDSON (as Tink): Understood. Uh, Karma, never mind.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was real smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Do you need to, I don’t know, have an evening with your… friend? Quote, quote.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] No, we’re gonna go get caf tomorrow morning.

LILIT & HUDSON (as Xianna & Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all do not have to make that noise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes we did.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Why?

NICK (as HK): Questioning Statement. Is that a euphemism for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [indignant] Getting caf in the morning? No.

NICK (as HK): The caf in the morning.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it is. It is also a euphemism.

NICK (as HK): Downloading pickup lines. … Hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Hey baby, that’s a pretty cool outfit, it would look even better on my floor. Hey baby—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, make sure you get the one that is “hey baby, I like the ligma.”

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s ligma?

LILIT (as Xianna): Deez nuts!

NICK: [laughs] Shit.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I do not think I understand that pickup line. What do legumes have to do with getting into somebody’s DMs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not worry about it, HK. We will explain later and we will set up a powerpoint. It’ll be a whole deal.

NICK (as HK): Will this be like the powerpoint that Sentinel used?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, mine will be good. So should we do this tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow night? Just because if Karma has to go on a “coffee meetup” with a “friend” in the morning maybe we should not be doing too much stuff tonight.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is legitimately what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): [suspicious] Okay~

NICK (as HK): Karma, your heartrate and body temperature seem elevated. Are you okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You know HK, I was just so moved by Tink’s version of Rocket Man. I’m just coming down from the high of hearing that.

NICK (as HK): Karma, that doesn’t make sense. Quantifiably, Tink’s version of Rocket Man was inferior to the original recording.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa!

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not inferior, it is just a different style. Sometimes covers have their own artistic merit.

CAMERON (as Karma): It had so much heart!

HUDSON (as Tink): I wasn’t singing the original, I was singing a cover of a cover.

NICK (as HK): Oh… Recalculating. I do not understand, but I sense that I will hurt feelings if I continue this conversation. Great job, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so we go back to the ship for the night, we do some planning, Karma has her totally normal coffee meetup with a friend in the morning…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we go kill some dudes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Ooh! On the way back to the ship, can I get a pizza cone?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Okay. You can do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as HK): Please explain what a pizza cone is.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is exactly what it sounds like, HK. It is a cone of dough with pizza fillings on the inside.

NICK (as HK): Are we going back to Darth Pizza the Cheese? We just left there.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. Darth Pizza the Cheese is like a nice sit-down place. This you get out of a little stall. It is like a single credit and they just throw it at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s pretty good. You have to catch it, and if you drop it they don’t give you another one free. I learned that the hard way.

NICK: If HK could blink slowly in confusion that’s what he would be doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a food thing. You wouldn’t understand, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where are the Kemslingers based?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I have no idea. This is not the right bar for that. If you just give me like two hours and a handful of—I don’t even need a handful of credits. I will just get free drinks. You give me like an hour and a half out on the town, I can get all of that for you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hour and a half on the town? Make it 60 minutes and it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You give me 60 minutes and then somebody buys me a pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but it’s gotta be from one of the places where they have the little shakers of extra cheese and pepper on the side, because I like to make mine spicy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Of course.

LILIT: Xianna takes her drink, slams it back, slams it back onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I will be back here in exactly 60 minutes! Start the timer. Go!

LILIT: She claps her hands, spins around, and heads out. Xianna’s plan is to go into seedier bars and flirt for information, as one does.

NICK: That would be a Streetwise check at hard difficulty, with a black die because you’re not a local.

LILIT: Okay, but I can remove the black die because of Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

HUDSON: Street Smarts!

LILIT: Street Smarts!

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts!

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: From Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I also have a blue die since I will be targeting people who are inebriated?

NICK: Yes you can.

LILIT: Too many blank dice. I don’t like that, but okay. Sadly, it is only two successes and one advantage.

NICK: [grinning] ONLY two successes and one advantage.

LILIT: I had a yellow, a blue and a green die all come up blank, so that is a sad play.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [chuckles]

NICK: So you are able to collect the information. What you are able to find out is the info about the gang. They have weirdly been hunted. With two successes and an advantage, describe to me your montage of your hour of collecting information.

[upbeat investigation music begins]

LILIT: So Xianna goes into bars, and Xianna looks for anyone that has gang tattoos. Even if she doesn’t think they are tattoos specifically for the Kemslingers, any gang tattoo is good. And will make eyes with them from across the bar, have them come to her. It initiates it. It brings down their sense of security, because they’re initiating the interaction. Gets them to buy her a drink, and then she will talk about how cool it is to be in a gang and ask to see their gang tattoo, and talk about it, and then be like “well, some other guy was trying to buy me a drink and they had a Kemslingers tattoo,” and see what they say.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: This person might hate them and give a whole bunch of information about the Kemslingers and talk shit about them, or will talk a whole bunch about it because they’re in it. She repeats this pattern at a few different bars on a few different various people.

NICK: With two successes and an advantage, you are able to do this in under an hour, so part of the montage is you finish and say “oh yes, that’s very interesting,” finish your drink and sprint out of the bar [laughs] towards the next one. So we see you like running down the street trying to get to the next seedy place.

LILIT: It is sort of a Batman scenario in that the person will turn around to order a new drink, and by the time they turn around Xianna is gone.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And is indeed running down the street to the next bar, sneaks in because she does not have time to wait in line and get past a bouncer, and repeats the process.

[investigation music ends]

NICK: So while this is all going on, Karma and Tink and HK are sitting at the bar waiting for Xianna to get back.

HUDSON: I have an old fashioned stopwatch I keep looking at every once in a while for some reason.

NICK: [makes a loud and annoying ticking sound]

HUDSON: Yeah, like one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): It goes really well with your top hat. It’s like very coordinated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Tink is timing Xianna on this antique stopwatch that he’s found.

CAMERON: Karma and HK are just playing Chess on her tablet.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Statement: Knight to Pawn 5.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’m beginning to remember why I don’t like Chess.

NICK (as HK): Because I have all the moves downloaded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm?

HUDSON (as Tink): Move the horsey over by the crossy tall one and then sweep the board. You know what I mean, sweep the board.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay.

CAMERON: Karma moves the knight over to the king?

HUDSON (as Tink): By the king, the crossy one.

CAMERON (as Karma): The crossy person? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I have utmost respect for you, but it’s SUPER messed up to give someone the only gap in my strategy moves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha~

NICK: At this point Xianna runs back into the room.

LILIT: Xianna comes stumbling back in. She now has a pair of bright yellow shutter shades on top of her head, is wearing a whole stack of glow bead necklaces, and has a yard-long drink with the big crazy straw that spells out bridesmaid.


LILIT: She comes back in slurping on the drink, throws an elbow onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I have found out the information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fifty-eight minutes! Good job.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am good at what I do. The Kemslingers, they have a spot nearby, not too far. It is in an old speeder garage that they use as a front for their drug running.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. The drug running is the front? Of what crime?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The speeder garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t repair speeders really. Well, I’m sure they do too, but they mostly do the drug running in the background.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): They have been beefing up their security lately, getting some real beefy boys and guns for the security. Apparently someone has been killing them off over the last year. They made some sort of enemy. I didn’t figure out who. Somebody. So, hopefully we don’t run into them, whoever they are, but yeah. So, they have some extra security but there aren’t that many of them left, so I think it kind of evens out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Checkmate.

NICK: HK stops, does this micro-shift of his head to the board and back to karma, and to the board and back to Karma, and then with one hand, without the rest of his body moving, flips the tablet over and puts it facedown.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you should have used a Mustafarian Swap.

NICK (as HK): The Mustafarian Swap doesn’t work when the rook side pawns have been moved already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you use a Mustafarian Swap at that point, and it seems like it is not going to work, but you wait a few turns and usually they are gonna move their bishop, and then what you do is a Corellian Gambit. You see what happens? Ah-ha, that is checkmate.

NICK (as HK): That is outdated strategy that only works 67% of the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): 67% of the time it works every time, HK!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, secondary user, you seem more inebriated than you did at the beginning of this evening.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I went to six different bars. Also I got this yard drink at one time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a bridesmaid?

LILIT (as Xianna): Apparently yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is getting married? I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did steal the stuff from a different bridesmaid so I could sneak back into the bar. I don’t feel bad about it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, I owe you a one-of-a-kind pizza cone from Pooky’s Pizza Cone & Boba Tea Emporium.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh! Kriff yes! Okay, let’s go get the pizza cone.

NICK: We cut to the four of you sitting on a curb as speeders go by. It’s not a bad part of town or a nice part of town, it’s just a Coruscanti skyline. You’re holding boba teas in one hand and a pizza cone in the other, including HK, and you’re watching speeders go by. It’s probably 2 AM at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s a red one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, I see a blue one go by.

LILIT: Xianna’s just eating the pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, when you eat or drink where does it go?

NICK (as HK): I do not eat or drink… except for the blood of my enemies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I thought HK was just holding the extra pizza cone and boba tea for Xianna.

NICK (as HK): I was told to. I can smash it against my faceplate if you would prefer.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t, HK. I’m going to eat that one. You know I could not decide between the spicy pepperoni and the mac and cheese.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Which really isn’t a pizza cone at that point. It’s just mac and cheese in a cone.

HUDSON: I look up into the night sky and I just like under my breath say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Burning out his fuse out there alone~

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 21 Darth Pizza the Cheese

PDF download: S2 Episode 21 Darth Pizza the Cheese

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 21:
Darth Pizza the Cheese

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 21 of Tabletop Squadron. You heard it here, folks, the best podcast to ever exist ever.

HUDSON: The only one, as well.

LILIT: The only podcast.

NICK: Yes. Everything else are just short-form audio books. Hate to break it to you.


LILIT: We invented Star Wars.

NICK: Yup. Uh… I’m also scared of Disney, so you know, caveat-caveat-caveat. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: [pleased but without steam] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

NICK: So four light side, one dark side going into this?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, to recap what happened last time…

[slinky groovy music begins]

You were able to grab another item of the Shattered Force, the Stone Breaker, and you placed it onto your ship. You gave Meelo Shmee a ride to Coruscant so that he could go back to see his wife and kids, and you made a dinner date with Nolaa to talk about the Space Breaker, and also to eat some pizza.

Stepping off of the landing pad, the ship is locked behind you for a nominal fee by the Coruscant Shipping Authority, and you are able to walk through this city to the pizza place. As you’re going there are crowds. It’s not enough that you’re jostled, but there are quite a few people. You are well-armed, clearly scary, so people tend to give you a decent amount of space, but it’s also Star Wars so that’s not a weird thing for people to be walking around wearing body armor and carrying axes and things.

So, you’re able to see a lot of different kinds of people as you walk through. The perpetual traffic of the Coruscant sky is floating above you, and you walk past one of these sky rises, these huge Coruscant buildings that looks like it has recently been on fire and has burned almost to the foundations way, way down below, and there are firefighting droids floating around it, spraying it with water, trying to put it out.

A couple of blocks from there you come to the restaurant that Nolaa recommended that you meet at. Darth Pizza the Cheese is the name of the restaurant.

[music changes to jaunty accordion]

The doors slide open away from you as you enter, and you can see Nolaa is seated in a booth near the kitchen. Everybody give me one detail about Darth Pizza the Cheese, Nolaa’s favorite pizza restaurant on Coruscant.

LILIT: So one, it is obviously a corner booth with the walls in the back so that way you can see the entrance of the pizza restaurant. Obviously. You never sit with your back to the front door.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: I said one as if I had a two.


NICK: I will say, just based on the name, I am picturing a grungy Chuck E. Cheese that’s maybe been refurbished to not be for kids, but that’s just my thought, that doesn’t have to be an actual thing.

LILIT: Two, it is a small place, low lighting, and it is under an overpass.

NICK: Cool. So, it’s a small hole-in-the-wall place. There’s only a couple of booths, and it’s right next to one of the speeder lanes, so you can hear the drone of speeders passing overhead slowly, because even though they can fly they’re always in traffic on Coruscant. But the booths are red plush and there’s lighting that’s kinda dim and dusty because of the stained glass lampshades that are over all of the lighting that look like a lightsaber but the handle is a slice of pizza.

CAMERON: Beautiful. I’m thinking the walls are just completely covered. Like, I’m picturing your stereotypical family Italian restaurant where it’s in the city and there’s a photo on the wall of every single famous person who’s ever been there, with a slice of pizza, and there is just no space on the walls at all. It’s just all photographs.

NICK: For sure. We see the crew of the Afternoon Delight press open this door and there’s a little ding of a bell as you walk in. There are two Twi’leks behind the counter who are kneading out dough and making the pizza and getting it ready to go, and back around the side of the counter there’s a little eating area with a couple of booths.

You can see seated at one is an Ubese, which is interesting because you’re not sure how they would eat pizza with their weird gasmask things on, and then behind that you can see Nolaa up against the corner, sitting in the middle of the booth magnanimously, watching the door. She waves and smiles widely at you all as you come in.

HUDSON: I wave back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK (as Nolaa): Hi. Let’s not yell across the whole restaurant. Come on, come grab a seat.

HUDSON (as Tink): [yelling] What did you say? I can’t hear you.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She rolls her eyes but in a loving way and just motions for you to come closer.

[accordion music fades]

HUDSON: I steal a crouton from the salad bar.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just use your hands. Oh my gosh. This is so gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna just order some stuff anyway. I’m just getting it early.

LILIT (as Xianna): There was one on the floor you could have picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ew!

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s kinda gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is gross, it’s super gross, but Tink has eaten food off the floor before so I thought that was normal for him.

HUDSON (as Tink): People can change.

NICK: I need you to roll me a hard Perception check, please. We’re gonna roll more dice in this pizza restaurant than we have in the last three episodes. [laughs]

CAMERON: Good. [laughs]

HUDSON: Three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, definitely no one saw you just plunge your hand into the salad bar, which by the way, this is a small hole-in-the-wall place so the salad bar is like four bowls in ice baths, one with croutons, one with a lettuce mix, one with shredded cheese, and one that’s—they’re all the same size, and the other one’s just full of ranch dressing. You grab a couple of croutons out of there and you’re pretty sure no one noticed.


CAMERON: Is the crouton delicious though?

NICK: Yeah. With the three advantages, if you eat it, it is a really super good crouton.

HUDSON: Oh, I eat it.

NICK: It also doesn’t crunch super loudly, so people don’t notice you eat it necessarily.

HUDSON: Ooh, just the right amount of softness from the moisture in the air. Oh…

CAMERON: Ew… [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, so you all are able to slide in the booth. Who sits next to Nolaa and who sits further out?

[accordion music returns]

LILIT: Obviously Xianna sits next to Nolaa, and I imagine that Nolaa was on one of the edges, and Xianna gets on the other end and scooches the whole way over.

NICK: [laughing] Okay. Tink or Karma, are you sitting in the middle or…?

HUDSON: I’ll sit in the middle.

NICK: Okay, and then Karma will, and HK will sit at the end, because he doesn’t eat but he does like to heckle wait staff, so he wants to be somewhere where he can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh, HK. Terrible.

NICK: [emphatically] He’s evil! [laughs]

HUDSON: As soon as everyone sits down and gets comfortable I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to go to the bathroom and wash my hands.

CAMERON (as Karma): [deflated] Oh my gosh, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who can get up? … I’ll go over this table. I will walk over this table.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK? HK, can you scooch?

NICK: HK scoots out without standing up, so he’s standing a foot away from the booth with his legs still bent at a 90 degree angle just holding onto the table.

CAMERON: Karma climbs out and does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] You’re welcome.

HUDSON: I go to the refresher.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. So, are we waiting on Tink to get back, or…? What have you all been up to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, um… we went to a planet, and then we fought some sort of giant creature, and we killed it, and then… Oh! It turns out that Tink took all the wine out of the wine cellar and put it in the airlock and let it off into the vacuum of space to never be retrieved and instead replaced them with popsicles.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs] Oh wow. Well, but I mean, it’s like hotel wine, right? So it wasn’t—

[music turns severe]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Nolaa, I don’t think you understand. I calculated exactly how much all the wine was worth, and um… I wasn’t telling anybody else in the crew because my plan was to take all the wine when we left finally, and then I was going to sell it all, and I would be so rich.

[music grows delicate and sorrowful]

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring off into the distance, eyes unfocused.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be… It would have been so, so much money. I could have bought a mansion on Naboo by the waterfalls, with the ducks, and I could have had at least four servants, and I could make them bring me bantha cakes whenever I wanted.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. This was like an old really, really rich person’s wine cellar.

NICK (as Nolaa): I mean, I’ve been in the ship before… I guess I just thought it was like fake old and fancy. It was really that nice?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, those are the display ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those are fake.

LILIT (as Xianna): The like cheapest bottle I found was 500 Credits.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): When you go into the room you have to press the button to get the real racks to raise out of the ground.

NICK (as HK): The Boss Man prioritizes popsicles above all else including the wellbeing of his companions.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems a bit extreme, HK.

NICK (as HK): What part of his behavior has proven otherwise?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean like you’re not wrong, it’s just extreme.

[delicate music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Yeah, I don’t know if I would have said it out loud.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t know. I think Tink’s a pretty good guy. Sure he will not do a mission and will go buy popsicles instead of doing other stuff, Xianna’s told me about that, but… maybe he just made a mistake. That must have been a long time ago though, right? Like, he didn’t do this yesterday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t even remember.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea when he did this.

NICK (as Nolaa): So, have you been doing anything else or just arguing about popsicles and wine? It sounds like a fun evening, but…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it has been the main discussion for the last day.

NICK (as Nolaa): Understandable. It’s a shame to hear that your secret fortune you weren’t planning on sharing with your crewmates had been ejected into space.

LILIT: Xianna does a big sigh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I… I guess I will just have to steal something else in order to get my retirement money.

NICK: HK gives a mechanical sigh and shimmies out of the booth as Tink returns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you, HK.

CAMERON: Karma hadn’t sat back down.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: She was still standing there. HK scooted back in, but she did not.

LILIT: Xianna starts pointing aggressively at everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): And if any of you show up to my retirement mansion and say that you have one last job for me, I swear to kriff I will probably do the job.


LILIT (as Xianna): But it would need to be worth it, and you would need to say something really dramatic for me to do it. I won’t just do any job. You can’t just come up and say we want to rob a bank. It would need to be like, we want to rob a bank and you can kill Falx.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh… Alright. I’ll do that as long as, in response to me giving you the mission, you say “son of a bitch, I’m in” and point finger guns at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, that is part of the culture. You have to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep. Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be rude not to.

NICK: Nolaa slides on a pair of sunglasses and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): And this time it’s personal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahaha! Nolaa did the thing!

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Tink. Do you know exactly where you were and what direction you were going when you kicked out that wine stuff? Because I might be able to do some math and find it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… hmm. I mean we can go to the camera footage which is probably synced up to our coordinates and figure it out for sure, but I think we were by… uh… oh. We were actually going to Endor weren’t we? No. To Hoth? No, we never even went to Hoth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Would it not be in the ship logs? I feel like the ship logs every time you open up the air vent.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the air lock, whichever you did. And like logs it, right?

NICK (as HK): This is true, but that may be a lot of information to parse as I press the airlock buttons for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, but we have to figure out which… like, just a small period of time and space when Tink would have done this, and then it’s less information to look through.

NICK (as HK): This seems logical.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, don’t we have security cameras?

HUDSON (as Tink): We do have security cameras, and I think I mentioned that they were probably synced up to our coordinates, but I’m not positive. [gasps] But I do remember it was absolutely a Wednesday, because it’s Double Wombly Day on Wednesdays.

NICK: Nolaa taps her chin.

NICK (as Nolaa): I just realized a bad part of this plan. These were wine bottles that were kept in a specially temperature controlled area, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): And now they’ve spent between two days and nine months floating through the vacuum cold hard death of space?

LILIT: Xianna’s nodding a bunch.

LILIT (as Xianna): But,  nobody would have to know.

NICK (as Nolaa): Now that’s a good point, that just turns it more into a con than a merchant deal. You know?

LILIT: Xianna does little finger guns.

LILIT (as Xianna): [snaps] Exactly!

NICK (as Nolaa): Alright. Alright. Gosh, I missed you.

NICK: And she gives you a comfy side-hug in the booth.

LILIT: Xianna gives her a smooch on the cheek.

LILIT (as Xianna): I missed you too, mon shu shu.

NICK: Nolaa smiles real big.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I’m glad you made it out of the last job in one piece, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big kiss, and you all can see Xianna looking a little embarrassed at the nickname back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Twinkle toes?! Twinkle toes? Can I call you twinkle toes?

LILIT: Xianna immediately has a blaster out under the table pointed at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, if you call me twinkle toes one more time I will murder you in this place. This is very good pizza and I would like to come back here again, but I will give it up in order to murder you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay fine, two Ts.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not what you said I couldn’t say.

LILIT: Xianna does kick him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a warning.

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Okay… Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

LILIT: Puts the blaster back in her coat.

NICK (as HK): New username logged. Secondary user, Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I will switch you back into investigation mode.

NICK (as HK): I am so sorry. I will never use that again. Log deleted.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is damn right.

NICK (as HK): Log of log deleted. Delete history deleted.


LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. I love you.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t remember the last 35 seconds.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is fine. Nothing important happened.

NICK (as HK): That’s super weird. Why do you have a gun drawn at Tink under the table?

NICK: A waiter is approaching. As HK asks that the waiter’s eyes get kind of big.

LILIT: Well, Xianna had already put the blaster back in and now has her hands above the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is just an inside joke. Anyways. We order pizza now.

NICK: So, the waiter smiles broadly.

[accordion music returns]

NICK (as waiter): Hey, I’m Tommy the waiter. They call me Pizza Tommy. Welcome to Darth Pizza the Cheese. What can I—Are you all ready to order? Can I start you off with some drinks? Oh, hey Nolaa.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh hey, hey Tommy. Yeah, these are just some friends of mine from out of town. I’ll take the usual, but I wonder what they want.

[accordion music fades]

LILIT: Xianna hadn’t even been looking at the menu.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will also take the usual. Nolaa’s usual not mine, I don’t have one yet.

NICK (as Tommy): I was gonna say. Yep, that’s fine. Uh… Nolaa, do you wanna make that a large so that you can share?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] And then we can share!

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, that seems really cute. I guess so.

NICK: And she blushes a little bit, because she’s normally not somebody who goes in for that kind of thing, but she’s a little off-balance. She’s happy to see you.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright. What can I get the rest of the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh kriff.

HUDSON: I pull up a menu. I have it upside-down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no!

HUDSON: And I flip it over.

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to look at the… Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Tink, you said you were ready.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re right, you’re right. Here, I don’t need to look at the menu. I think I know what I want. Can I get a pizza—

NICK (as Tommy): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): —but with no cheese and no sauce, and on top of it you put a layer of croutons from your salad bar and drizzle it with sweetened condensed milk?

NICK (as Tommy): I regret having said yes before you finished describing this food. Uh, we do have sweetened condensed milk. What if I just bring you a can of that and you get a salad bar and I’ll bring you a pizza dough, I guess? Crust, that we’ve cooked.

HUDSON: Ooh, self-service. I can deal with that.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, that… should be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the fuck…?

NICK (as Tommy): Are you sure?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): It’s really good pizza. You don’t need to make like soggy crackers the pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re putting really cooked bread on top of cooked bread and then covering it in sweetened condensed milk.

NICK (as Tommy): Actually, when you say it like that, it does sound kind of good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, they even have a pizza here where they take the dough and brush it with garlic olive oil and crisp it up with some like parmesan cheese and stuff and then they put like a good Caesar salad on top after it’s been cooked. It is like almost the same thing except edible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Garlic is no good. I could be part vampire. I looked into it once.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the croutons have garlic in them!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man… Okay, take off the croutons.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, quick, look at this mirror.

NICK: And HK points to a mirror above the kitchen door, one of those fisheye ones that you use to make sure you’re not gonna run into somebody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… oh.

NICK (as HK): Can you see your reflection?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can. I also hear everyone yelling corner a lot. I don’t know what that’s about.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): But anyways. Yeah, keep the croutons on there. Xianna, thank you for the pizza idea. I will pass at this time. I just want the Tink Special, which is what I described before.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright… I’m gonna probably charge you double for crimes against food, but you seem good for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are not the first waiter to have said that to me.


LILIT (as Xianna): Your place is named after like an evil dictator. You can’t judge him.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, the name’s a bit unfortunate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not just unfortunate. It is like downright offensive.

NICK (as Tommy): Well… I mean, Darth Plagueis the Wise didn’t actually exist. Like, they talk about him, there’s stories or whatever, but that’s like naming him after the old-timey devil or something, like Old Nick’s Pizza or something. It’s not like a historical figure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t think it’s the same, but you make good pizza.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah. Well, and we already had everything set up and all the signage when we got the place and turned all the actual food around and made it edible, so it saved a lot of money even though we didn’t pick the name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you get me in touch with your marketing team, I actually have a lot of alternative names, and my number one alternative name is Buster Buck’s Cheese Me Please.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as Tommy): So that’s pretty good, but we already have the jingle.

[musically, with flat horn accompaniment] Darth Pizza the Cheese, good for you and me. Everybody likes pizza and cheese.

That’s catchy as hell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! And at the end of the commercial, in a ghostly tone, it says “have you heard the tale of $5.99 Wednesdays?”

NICK (as Tommy): It is Thursday, for the record.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Ah, kriff.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): Anyway, we got extremely distracted. Ma’am, what can I get you? Please don’t order a sweetened condensed milk and crouton pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god. No, no, I would not do that to you. Can I get a, uh… the personal pan tropical pizza, please?

NICK (as Tommy): Absolutely. Let me go get those in the kitchen. It’ll probably be 20-30 minutes, because we make everything from scratch here.

NICK: And he just walks slowly away, ducks into the kitchen.

[whimsical music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): So, what all have you been up to? I got Xianna’s text that we were meeting up and that you all needed something, but…

LILIT: Xianna does the little finger tents, rests her chin on them, and looks over at Nolaa.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so, sweetie… love of my life. Do you remember when I gave you a yellow crystal dildo thing to sell?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, to sell. Um…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, the crystal one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was there a different one that wasn’t to sell?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I said crystal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Never mind, that’s personal.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well just… she started with do you remember when you gave me a yellow crystal dildo and I was like eh… but to sell, yes. Yeah, I remember that. That was a long time ago. That was like when we first met.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it was a while ago, many months ago. I was just hoping that maybe you had trouble finding a buyer.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ha! What kind of fence would I be if it took me more than six months to sell some sort of weird crystal item to somebody who is gonna pay too much?

LILIT (as Xianna): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s long gone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, do you know exactly who you sold it to? Like, their name and their address and their day-to-day routine? And where they work? And like, maybe if they have family that lives with them too so we would have to learn their schedules? Keypads to their house. If they have servants that we could pose as. Anything of that?

NICK (as Nolaa): I see where you’re going with that. I would recommend keeping it a little bit lower key than that, because the heat’s kind of on in this neighborhood. I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but some smarson happened around the corner pretty recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. The problem is that we kind of need to get it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): You might be able to trade with them for it. I sold it to somebody actually on Coruscant. They’re not too far from here. You’ve got some options. Now, I will say, I do not know what their family situation is or what their address is, but I do have their name.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can work with that. Because it just… it kind of turns out that the yellow crystal phallic shape might be some sort of very powerful Jedi artifact and we kind of need it now.

NICK (as Nolaa): You’re saying the dildo is a very powerful artifact?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I know exactly what you are going to say, but please don’t. We are in company.


LILIT (as Xianna): We just… We need to have it back.

NICK: She twitches her lekku at you, saying something that the others can’t quite make out.

LILIT: Xianna does a real big laugh and says something back.

LILIT (as Xianna): But okay, okay, we have to be serious now. It is actually very important, so we do have to either buy it back, trade it back, but my personal favorite is steal it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Uh, I don’t think… So here’s the thing. I can tell you who I sold it to. I think that she was probably working for someone else, but at least that’s the first step. I hate to do this to you, twinkle toes, but I don’t think I should be involved, just because I’m the one that sold it. It would be really bad for my reputation, and you didn’t hear it from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I understand. We would not involve you any more than just getting the name.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I sold it to a Fosh named Keena. She works at a jazz club a couple levels down from here. I think she may have ties to some sort of organized crime, not 100% sure, but gosh she sure can sing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. Cool-cool-cool. So, how did the smarson go?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, the smarson? It went pretty good. So, I tried that new mix of accelerant that you recommended the last time we talked and it was—

NICK: And the waiter comes out with water cups for everybody and just Tink’s crouton and milk pizza, because it turns out that takes about 20 seconds to cook.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is really gross. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I get one of those fishbowl punch drinks? You know, those really round ones that’s brightly colored and tastes like fruit with the fun straws in it?

NICK (as Tommy): Well, we don’t have a liquor license, so that would be illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh.

NICK (as Tommy): I’ll be right back with your non-alcoholic fruit punch. Wink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody else want a drink?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I do my arms crossed against each other in the shape of an X and pump it against my chest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like you could have gotten your weird Shirley Temple.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll take a Shirley Temple, please.

NICK (as Tommy): We actually don’t have those. I’m sorry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Tommy): We don’t have a grenadine license.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. What about a Shelly Temple?

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. I think that’s just Sprite.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. One Sprite for the very large child.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good, thank you.

NICK: HK’s head rotates a fast 90 degrees to lock with the waiter.

NICK (as HK): I do not consume either food or drink being a droid.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, I get it. I’ll be back when those other pizzas are done.

NICK: And he walks back to the kitchen.

NICK (as Nolaa): Phew, almost gave away the game there. Yeah, the smarson went pretty good. The smaccelerant was great. There were no smasualties.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because it was a sminsurance smfraud, and… honestly it went up really fast. I think that building was out of code.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it probably was. The older buildings are always easier to set fire to. Not that I’ve ever done that before.

NICK: She’s looking at you appraisingly for a second.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right… Right. Okay. So, yeah, but thanks for asking. It went great. Everything’s been going well. Karma, Tink, haven’t seen you all in a while. I heard you went to jail. How did that go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… yup. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like a getaway, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um?

HUDSON (as Tink): Like away from home time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because he escaped. I get it. That’s very funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I didn’t… Oh yeah! I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, and I mean it was a time when we were not at home, so I guess that is also true, Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you learned a lot? Are you…?

NICK: She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you been rehabilitated?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s really funny that you think prisons rehabilitate anything.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s not what they’re for. They are for making money.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s the joke, yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh good. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay good, just making sure you knew, because like… [laughs] That would be silly.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs, contented sigh] Actually, you know, I’ve never been. I’ve never been caught. I know Xianna has a few times. Seems to know her way around pretty well.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, all of the times I have been in the actual prison were kind of on purpose. I have been arrested many times, but usually I get out before I actually go to the full prison, so I’m in jail not prison. There is a slight difference.

NICK: She furrows her brow and takes a sip on her water and looks at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Really? Every time you got caught was a “oh, I meant to do that” situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not every time I got caught. There were plenty of times that I did not mean to get caught. I am saying the other times I have been in prisons it was on purpose. One time I just went into the prison. I wasn’t even arrested. I just snuck in, in order to be in the prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): Huh… Well, the more you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s different.

LILIT (as Xianna): They never noticed.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Normally I’m just dropping people off.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. Well, I would advise that you don’t go back.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is not a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles] Shockingly, I don’t have very many friends in prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): No kidding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I know, right? I was surprised too.

LILIT (as Xianna): You had us. We are your friends and we were in the prison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. We’re your—Are we not your friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. I said I didn’t have very many.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a lot of friends in prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Four friends in prison I guess, well five friends, no six friends.

NICK (as HK): And now you have less because you helped them all escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. Less of my friends are in prison now.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why one of the times I was in the prison. It is the time I snuck in. I was sneaking somebody out. It was a very different style prison so it was much easier.

NICK: Around this point Pizza Tommy the waiter comes back out with a bunch of trays and slides a very large pizza that appears to be deep fried blurrg on pizza, like it’s kind of a blubbery meat that’s got a crust on it that’s scattered around on the pizza. He slides it between Nolaa and Xianna. He gives Karma a tropical pizza which is obviously some sort of weird colored shrimp and pineapple.

CAMERON: And seaweed.

NICK: And seaweed, of course.

NICK (as Tommy): If you need anything else give me a holler. Oh wait—

NICK: He runs and he comes back and he plops a giant fruit bowl down and what looks like a thermal detonator bottle shaped Sprite and puts it in front of Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Thank you.

LILIT: Very important question. How many straws are in the fishbowl drink?

NICK: Six.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK (as Tommy): Now that’s a six-person drink. Normally I would make several people leave their IDs, because you’re supposed to share, but Nolaa’s here all the time. I know that y’all wouldn’t overindulge, right, of your non-alcoholic fruit punch?

LILIT: Xianna nods her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, absolutely. We will not overindulge.

LILIT: She takes five of the straws, leaves one pointed at Nolaa, but smooshes all of the other straws together and starts drinking from those five at once.

NICK: Karma, you see the drink level go down demonstrably as Xianna starts to pound this thing. It’s impressive. Xianna’s not that big. You don’t know where it’s all going.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. It tastes like pineapple and jogan fruit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yum.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, they changed the recipe up from last time.

NICK: And Nolaa takes a little sip.

NICK (as Nolaa): This is great. I really am enjoying spending some time eating with you, and I’ve given you a lead on the crystal dildo, but why are you looking for it in the first place?

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, like I said, it is a very powerful Jedi artifact and we need to find it again.

NICK (as Nolaa): All that Force mumbo-jumbo? I didn’t think you would go in for that kind of thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I just saw a lot of Jedi when I was a kid. Because like, I was living in Lessu during the Clone Wars, so Jedi would just show up out of fucking nowhere and just like wreak havoc… which was cool because the Separatists fucking sucked too, but sometimes the Jedi would just show up and… [exhales] throw their lightsabers around at shit and then leave, and you were like what do we do now. Our city is all messed up. Are you going to help us rebuild? No, no, you’re gonna run away to some other planet?

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you know I didn’t grow up on Ryloth, but I’ve heard stories, and Jedi, if they’re real, front-flip a lot for no reason, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, they absolutely do. They just front-flip all the time and they do spinny things, and it is entirely for show because there is no way it makes them fight any better.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): They were super cool, but they were kind of dicks.

NICK (as Nolaa): Karma, you have experience with Jedi as well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh. Where did you run into Jedi before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Here?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have to remember, I’m old. During my teenage years the Jedi were still a thing. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it is not like you are THAT old. You are like… 30? That’s old.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, I am 38.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, you are ancient, Karma!


CAMERON (as Karma): That’s why I’m saying—

LILIT (as Xianna): So old you will wither away and die any day now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no…

LILIT (as Xianna): I am joking. You are not that old.

NICK (as Nolaa): You know, come to think of it, it’s a little weird. The Jedi weren’t around that long ago, but it’s hard to find people who had ever seen them or even really believed they were real. Even on Coruscant.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because there weren’t that many and they stuck to themselves unless they were like messing up your city.

NICK (as Nolaa): And front-flipping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa, have you heard of the Mandela Effect?

LILIT (as Xianna): We do not have time for that, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Nolaa): I actually haven’t heard of the Mandela Effect. Please explain it to me in detail.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you don’t want to hear about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But anyways.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): For reasons, we need to find the artifact so we can combine it with its other artifacts and… Actually, I kind of forgot exactly why we needed all of them. We just have a client who, uh, maybe works with a certain organization that… buys a lot of X-Wings, wink-wink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ohh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And so they need the artifacts for some reason. I don’t remember why.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And they think if we collect all of them… they do something? I don’t know. Karma, do you remember?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t. That presentation was very vague. I know it’s important that we get them all, but I don’t know if we actually were ever told why.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: [laughs] Somewhere, the camera pans away to Sentinel setting up a new hideout, talking to Cappy the droid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, well I definitely did explain exactly what they were for and why I needed all of them to depose the Emperor, so I’m sure they’re all extremely motivated to help.

NICK: And then we cut back.

[eerie music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, he definitely didn’t say anything.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m assuming maybe if you connect them all they do something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you do that with Lincoln Logs you eventually get a Lincoln Log house, so that’s usually where that goes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe this one makes a… makes like a little trophy.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, so they’re all stick-shaped?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, one of them is dildo-shaped like we explained.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the stick.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’re all different shapes. I think maybe you can combine them like a mech. You know? You combine them all.

NICK (as HK): Oh, like Voltron.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, just like Voltron. I think they Voltron into something else.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Well, like I said, uh… you’re gonna wanna talk to Keena. She’s a jazz singer a couple levels down at the Blue Bantha, and you’ll have to just go from there. I wish I could be more help.

HUDSON: I stop stuffing my face for a second.

HUDSON (as Tink): [with his mouth full] Are we talking about mechs? Okay, well… well wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, Tink… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I rode a mech once. We called it Tex. It was Tex-Mechs.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): We just went all around the planet. It was a good old time. I almost fell out a few times. It was pretty neat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you for that story.

NICK: [laughs] Nolaa has a look of like very patient love on her face as she nods at Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think that’s probably enough talk about work, don’t you think? Let’s just enjoy some pizza. I don’t know when the next time I’m gonna get to see you all is.

NICK: She nudges Xianna with a shoulder and grabs another slice of fried blurrg pizza and chows down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Nolaa! Also, I got you some gifts.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh~

LILIT: Xianna pulls out the pack of Sabacc cards.

LILIT (as Xianna): I found this on a dead guy.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She scratches at a little stain and it flakes off of the box and opens them up and fans them out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, these are nice. These are very nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is very nice. Also, I found this!

LILIT: And Xianna pulls out the ring.

NICK (as Nolaa): Whoa. Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. No. You see, I knew that this would be too small for your fingers, but I am pretty sure it is the exact size to be a very beautiful pinky toe ring.

NICK: She takes it and looks at it. It was on a chain, wasn’t it?


NICK: She detaches the chain and holds it up and looks at it in the light.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, I guess. Hey… warn a girl before you just start whipping rings out all over the place in front of all of your friends in a nice restaurant. I can’t take that kind of adrenaline.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. [stammers, chuckling] Oh my. Did you think I was going to propose to you? No, you propose to me when that happens.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay, that’s good to know. I’m glad we’re having this conversation in front of your friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, this is absolutely going to fit your left pinky toe.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. Okay. Well, cool. Thanks! That’s nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): I also got a glow stick necklace off of the same dead guy, however I am keeping that, because we have all agreed that we are going to a rave after we collect these artifacts and it is just a very nice necklace and I think it would complement me very well.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, can I come?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, absolutely.

NICK (as Nolaa): Great. That’ll be a nice ‘celebrate the finishing of a job’ kind of thing to do. I like that idea a lot.

[smooth lounge music begins]

NICK: We zoom out and we see the group of you all at this booth eating pizza together: Tink chomping down on his soggy milk monstrosity, Karma enjoying her tropical pizza, HK watching without moving, and Nolaa and Xianna sharing a fishbowl and a large pizza. Some time passes and you all stand to go. Nolaa pays the check. As you are all shimmying out of the booth and headed towards the door, Nolaa sets a hand on Xianna’s shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Hey, can I have a couple minutes with Xianna? I kinda wanted to make out or something and figured it would be polite to, like, do the family thing first, but… uh, can we have some time real quick?

[lounge music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll go stand outside.

HUDSON (as Tink): No need for family make-out sessions, just whatever you were gonna do.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh that’s weird. I don’t like that you said it like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t like that, Tink. Okay, you go outside now. Bye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, come on, Tink. Let’s go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: HK is still standing next to the table just staring at Xianna and Nolaa.

NICK (as HK): You may continue.

CAMERON: They get about halfway across the restaurant and karma turns around.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, come on!

NICK (as HK): Confused face.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re going outside. Come on.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Heading outside.

[delicate and romantic piano music begins]

NICK: The restaurant has really quieted down. The people working in the kitchen are back behind the closed door. The other booth with the Ubese has emptied out because you’ve been eating for a while, and you have this quiet time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Sorry, I hope that wasn’t awkward to just kick your friends out like that, but it really has been a little while since we’ve seen each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it has been… at least a month. I don’t know how time works.

NICK (as Nolaa): Honestly, does anyone know how time works? It’s difficult.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s very weird when you are like in space and then on planets with shorter or longer days. It’s just weird. So anyways, are we going to make out now?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, we absolutely are.

NICK: She gives you a big hug and holds both of your shoulders out.

NICK (as Nolaa): But first, are you okay? Are you doing alright?

LILIT (as Xianna): In like what context?

NICK (as Nolaa): Um, I guess I’m interested physically, emotionally and spiritually?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Uh, physically I am doing good. The toes are all healed up, or like, I should say where the toes were, they’re all healed up now.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very nice. No problems there. I have not been shot at in a while, so that is good.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s out of character for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it was mostly because the last thing that we encountered was a creature that did not have a blaster.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I was smart. I went up into a tree so I could just throw grenades down at it, and it attacked Tink not me.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s a good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Work smarter not harder, you know.

NICK (as Nolaa): I love that boy, but please make sure that he gets attacked more often than you. I think he can take a hit better.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is a very large person. But um… emotionally, I think I am doing okay. I have been watching a lot of those self-help videos and trying to connect and understand my commitment issues and my issues of childhood and abandonment, and I think I am getting into a good place.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s really good to hear. I’m glad you’re taking that time for yourself, and you should know I’ll be here for you. Like, you can take your time and really work through it in a healthy way. That’s alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Thank you. I will message you about those things, like my feelings.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. I mean, you said the word propose a little while ago and didn’t look nauseous, so that’s good. Right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because if you do the proposing then I don’t have to worry about it.

NICK (as Nolaa): Wait. We’re not gonna have another toothbrush situation, are we?

NICK: Her face looks very serious for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you mean like I would say no?

NICK (as Nolaa): No, I mean like you would laugh at me and say no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… you’re worried about me laughing at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. That’s what you did when I asked if you wanted to leave some stuff at my place.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Okay, I just… I promise that if you propose to me and I say no I will not laugh while doing it.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t feel super better about that, but like, that wasn’t really on my mind anyway. The ring just kinda happened. Anyway, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying that I don’t know if I am ready to get married or anything right now. If I ever want to be truly married or if I just want to have a committed partner for life, I don’t know, I am just saying…

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s fine. I wasn’t even thinking about it until you handed me a ring and you kinda freaked me out a little and now we’re talking about it and this has gotten—Do you wanna just make out?

LILIT (as Xianna): I didn’t think you would think a ring that small was going to be for a proposal. I would steal you such a gigantic ring if I was going to do that. Now I’m a little insulted that you thought I would propose with just a plain band. No, I would go through like a massive heist and get like a massive gigantic ring with a beautiful crystal, and I would almost die, and I’m pretty sure Tink would die in the heist, and we would have to have a funeral for him… and then I would give you the ring. But again, I don’t think I’m going to do the proposing. I think you will.

NICK: Nolaa snaps her fingers in front of your face.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay twinkle toes. Come back to me. You’ve gone very far down this hole. Are you back?


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m just saying, I feel like that is how it would happen, but again…

NICK (as Nolaa): That does sound right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think you would do better at the proposing than me, because like… like I just said, mine would probably involve the death of at least one person.

NICK (as Nolaa): Noted… and trust that I’m not going to spring that on you. We would have a conversation first, and then the proposal would be a surprise, but I would make sure that that’s a commitment you would wanna do before I did it. Also, again, now I’m the person talking about it and I wasn’t thinking about it before and I really did just kinda want… like, I wanted to check on you, but I also deserve kisses like now.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do deserve kisses. I am just saying that, like, it is a conversation that we should maybe have at some other point later on in our relationship, because like… when I get actually married for real, if I do, I would like it to be nice, and with somebody I love, and not somebody that I plan to steal from.

NICK: Nolaa grabs the front lapel of your coat and pulls you in.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well I do love you, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big old kiss.

LILIT: Xianna pulls back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I love you too, mon shu shu. Okay, let’s go make out in the bathroom for a little bit.

[music changes to slow slinky jazz]

NICK: We get a clock wipe and we see Nolaa walking out of the pizza restaurant where Tink and Karma are sitting on a bench outside. Tink is messing with his com and Karma is just watching the traffic. Nolaa is adjusting her blouse and winks at Xianna.

NICK (as Nolaa): Maybe don’t wait so long next time before you all come back. I always do love to see y’all.

NICK: And she turns and walks away very jauntily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa! Nolaa, wait! You said that, you know, you need to stay low-key with this whole mission we’re about to do, but… I may have already ordered jackets that say NDA on the back which stands for Nolaa’s Dildo Adventure. Is that okay? I can try to return the jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): Um… go ahead and keep those jackets. We’ll find something to wear them to.

NICK: And she smiles real big. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll put them in the closet with the other ones we order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes ,our adventure jackets. Collect them all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, there was the adventure jackets and the iHappy ones.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckles] Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And the ones we have ordered for a possible safari somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I can’t wait for the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): And then there were the ones that we ordered for Karma’s birthday. We have to stop ordering jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): I’m gonna be honest, with my specialization in logistics, all of those are gonna show up at the same time and you’re gonna have too many jackets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Either way… you all stay frosty.

NICK: And she turns and walks away after throwing finger guns.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Alright, let’s go experience some jizz!

HUDSON: [snickers]


NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LILIT: [giggles]

## Outro

LILIT: Thank you for listening to Tabletop Squadron… Um?

[static buzzing interrupts and grows more intense]

What the… fuck is…? What?!

[promo begins, upbeat music]

Chemistro: Alright Cupid, are we recording?

[bird-like animal screeches]

Good! Hey listener, tis I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here, and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse… wizards that want to meet other wizards!

SPEAKER 1: I seek, first and foremost, some person who might challenge me in organization.

SPEAKER 2: I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil, which is a beverage I invented… mostly made of coffee.

SPEAKER 3: Yes, I did spend a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life, but that is my want as a vizier.

SPEAKER5: You see, I think the teeth are sort of the window to the soul.

Chemistro: Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community where you get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on Twitter at @wiz4wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether.

… I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?

[bird-like animal screeches, static interference pulses and fades]

LILIT: Well… okay. That was weird, but anyways.

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

PDF download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 20:
Popsicle Delights

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

When this episode releases, the state we live in, Texas, will still be experiencing the effects of a once in a generation winter storm that has devastated many. Millions of people are without power, running water, or any way to heat their homes. In the show notes will be links to various mutual aid networks that are doing what they can to help. Please consider donating if you can.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 20, a thrilling jaunt through the stars that everyone enjoys and nothing ever goes wrong. I am your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we met up go ahead and let the audience know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to say I just appreciate all our listeners out there. I think you’re looking great and doing great.

NICK: Aww.

HUDSON: And if you smash that Like button then you get an extra greeting with every episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: Y’all are looking really, really good right now. Sexy as hell.


LILIT: Hudson, I regret to inform you that we are not a YouTube channel.

HUDSON: [disappointed] Ohh…

CAMERON: Remember to hit that bell.

LILIT: You don’t have to hit the bell.

NICK: I hit a bell, though. What did that do?

LILIT: You can’t comment below.

HUDSON: You turned off comments, Nick.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: I mean, not a bad idea most of the time.

LILIT: You didn’t turn off comments, you turned off notifications.

HUDSON: Ah, you did, yep.


LILIT: So you won’t get notified every time we release a new episode. [laughs]

HUDSON: Yeah. You can sign up for our, like, mail service. Every time we release a new episode we actually have this letter service where we hand-write letters and send them out to everybody who signed up.

CAMERON: Oh my gosh.

NICK: This is not true.


NICK: Wonderful.

LILIT: Hudson, you’re gonna get us in trouble.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some experience points. I bought another rank of Feral Strength on my Marauder talent tree.

NICK: Well, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Aw, we’re triplets today.

NICK: Aww. Well, when we last left off…

[light and groovy explorer’s type music begins]

You had provoked a malsoom to leave its nest and attack you, managed to kill it without really getting hurt very much, except for Tink, and investigated this crashed greenhouse on what was once a herdship floating above the planet of Ithor, and found your way to the Stone Breaker tablet, which is the first artifact that you ever saw at the beginning of your adventure, and have pulled it from the hands of a dead poacher in the greenhouse. That’s where we’re gonna start. You all are standing in the woods. You have a Force-sensitive item now.

[music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay so, with this Stone Breaker tablet, I feel like it needs like a case or a cover, kind of like a tablet or phone cover. Well, tablet, there we go. So, do we get like mole skin? Leather? Do we get the magnetic one that like, you know, you close it and it magnetizes together? Does there need to be a hole for the cameras?

CAMERON (as Karma): We need to get one of the ones with the magic keyboards that just kinda magnets to it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, like that. I mean, is there accessories? Can we get a detachable keyboard with it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we put stickers on it?

HUDSON (as Tink): We could probably put stickers on it. Does it handle spray paint well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): What about under glows?

HUDSON (as Tink): Under glows on the Stone Breaker tablet. I love it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which side?

HUDSON (as Tink): The underside.

LILIT (as Xianna): The bottom?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I guess I’m picturing it set down on something in which case you’re kinda ruining the under glows, but I guess if you’re holding it…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you could put it on the back. Ooh! We put two little tiny, tiny little legs on the bottom, just like little buttons almost, so it’s raised up just a centimeter or two so the under glow light still spills out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That also helps prevent it from overheating, so that’s a good one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is important.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but for case, I was just gonna grab the one that we passed on the way in here that it had been in previously.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, that’s fine, saves us money.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can still add stickers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! I have stickers back in my room.

NICK: As you all are having this conversation, you’re walking back through the jungle and you pass the large durasteel crate that had been cracked open, and you’re able to place it in there if you want. It is a lot bigger than the tablet itself is, but you could put it in a big box if that is something that you would like to do.

CAMERON: I’mma put it in a box.

NICK: Okay, so now you’re carrying a durasteel crate. You walk out of the greenhouse and back out into this open space past the corpse of this malsoom. Its fur has lost some of its luster since you went inside but is still iridescent and blown by the wind a little bit as you continue into the jungle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did we have a plan for that thing?

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought the earth would just reclaim it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eventually yeah, but I meant like, you know, more near-term.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I figured we would just take the whole thing and then sell it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was thinking along those lines. I was just thinking the hide though. I wasn’t… I don’t think we can get that whole thing back to the ship, or in the ship.

NICK: We get a zoomed out shot of Xianna patting it on the hip and looking up at the multiple meters of additional height of this collapses beast, like “yeah, we’ll just carry it!”

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured we would get some sort of hover lift and bring it back, you know? I just figured if we’re going to steal part of it we should just steal the entire thing, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): At this point I don’t think we’re stealing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we are, because we are here illegally, and against the wishes of the Ithorian people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because you know this is their land, and you know, then we killed this creature, and yes it was trying to kill us, but at the same time we are technically poaching. So I just figured if we’re going to be illegal poachers we should just, you know, go all the way, go whole bantha.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just really lean into that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Really lean into it, because like, it feels wasteful to just take part of it. I just figured we either would leave the entire thing to be reclaimed by nature or we take the whole thing and just be full criminals.

NICK: We get a screen wipe to Karma and Xianna and Tink walking through the woods trailed by HK carrying a giant rolled-up skin that’s bigger than he is on his back. He’s tottering after you. [laughs] You have claimed what resources from the malsoom skin you could. As you continue along the trail back towards where you parked your ship, you see Meelo jump out of the woods.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh wow, you poached the hell out of that thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we told you that we were competent.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, but… there’s lots of competent people around, or there were, and you probably saw the results of some of their competence. They’re dead now. So the fact that it’s dead, and you’re not, and you were able to give it a haircut is pretty impressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Karma did the haircut.

HUDSON (as Tink): You must have not realized, we’re the competentest.

NICK (as Meelo): Ah, the competentest. Is that some sort of special title that you earn from some sort of certification committee?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, it’s an organic colloquial term that people just know us by. It’s a few levels above omnipotent or impotent. You know, it just goes up the ranks.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, competentest is like… can see and affect things throughout the galaxy through your sheer awesome.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think that’s omnipotent though, but… ell, I’ll have to look at the words. There’s a lot of, uh, levels.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, either way, congratulations… I suppose. You’ve done it, and without my careful helping guidance I think you would have not been successful, so now it’s time to hold up your end of the deal and get me off of this rock.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You all packed?

NICK (as Meelo): I’ll be honest, I need about 20 minutes, because I thought you were going to die, so I didn’t pack up the Crate Dragon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Well I’m kinda hurt, but we have to figure out how to get this into the ship anyway, so you probably have time.

NICK (as Meelo): Did you become wounded by the malsoom, the terrifying creature that’s haunted and hunted me for the last year?

CAMERON (as Karma): Only Tink.

NICK (as Meelo): Only Tink?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You okay there, buddy?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’ve been worse. I’ll just say that. I have definitely ben worse.

NICK: There’s a hole in your shoulder that has some venom still leaking from it with obvious points of stim packs being stuck around it to keep you moving, and Meelo looks you up and down.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. Really? That’s, uh… I’m so sorry. That’s bad.

LILIT: Xianna gestures at Tink’s one leg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you not notice that the leg is replaced?

NICK (as Meelo): It’s a dangerous galaxy. People lose limbs pretty regularly. That’s not necessarily something. But people don’t get chomped on by giant poisonous monsters regularly, so if worse has happened…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… it has happened more than you think it would.

NICK (as Meelo): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): At least twice.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay sure. Well, if you wanna go back to the ship and load up, I’ll pack real quick and I’ll just meet you there?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

NICK (as Meelo): Cool. Please, please, please, please, please don’t leave me. I will be back as soon as I can.

NICK: And he sprints off into the woods.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is so concerned about us leaving him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, hey, what if we—

LILIT (as Xianna): It would kind of be a little funny if we did.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was about to say, could we just do it?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No!

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just hide the ship for a few moments and let him think that we left?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we show back up.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can get it on video, him just sitting there crying about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever tell your friend to ‘get in bitch’ into the speeder, and then right as they almost get in you just speed up a little bit so they can’t get in. And you just do that a few times.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is so mean!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then you let them in and then you go shopping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… We’ll end up going shopping though, Karma. That’s how these things end.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You buy them like a smoothie or something later.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers] No!

NICK (as HK): This organic sent us to our presumed death. It would be applicable if we caused them emotional pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): or we just make him sleep in Sabos’s room.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK gets it, like—Ohh. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it’s haunted.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re probably right, but that’s a little dark.

NICK: So you’re headed back to the ship. HK is plodding after you carrying this giant skin. You get to the ship, and… what do you do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s strap this baby up. We got some ropes and bungees? Some bungee cords?

CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna put it in the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): You were tying it to the outside of the ship? That’s not gonna go well when we go to hyperspace.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s true. It’ll just disintegrate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not going to go well when we leave atmosphere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a very valid point. We’re gonna do that before hyperspace.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would burn up, poof, go away.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. Alright, well, putting it in will work. It’s gonna be smelly though. Could we put it in somewhere that’s not the main area?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we could put it in the wine cellar, because it’s like cooler. It would maybe help prevent the decay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’ll fit.

HUDSON (as Tink): If we chop it, it will.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you can move those wine racks around. They pop into the walls to make space.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I was thinking like the speeder room, because it’s right off the entrance ramp and then we don’t have to carry this through the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we climate control the speeder room?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure. This ship is so freaking fancy, Xianna. We can do whatever we want.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I was just making sure, because the wine cellar is also right there. I don’t know why they put the wine cellar next to the speeder garage, but…

NICK: While you all are talking, HK clomps up the ramp carrying this giant rolled up skin and turns to the side and looks into the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Surprised Statement: Holy kriff. Did y’all remember that there are speeders in here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s why we called it the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Have we had these the whole time?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think so.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I think. Yeah, I think the whole time you’ve been with us we’ve had them. I don’t remember exactly when we got them, actually.

NICK (as HK): Oh. Well, I guess that’s a thing. That’s good to know. Maybe we would have used speeders in the past, but… I’ll just chuck this in here I suppose. Or the wine cellar. Make a choice quickly. I may not have organic muscles, but this is very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we are putting it in here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Speeder room is a go.

NICK: So HK lifts it above his head and just chucks it into the room where it unfurls over the speeders like a drop cloth but very shiny.

[ominous music begins]

LILIT: From out in the hallway you can hear the wine cellar door opening up and you can hear the wine racks lifting up out of the floor, and you hear them pop up, and then after a second you just hear Xianna be like:

LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff? Tink?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, what? What is it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

[ominous music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you fucking replace all of the wine with… with the popsicles?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I needed a place for my excess popsicles, and this seemed like the right kind of thing. I mean, it’s just a bunch of grape juice when you look at it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did it all go?!

[emotional music begins]

Tink… Tink, there were bottles in here that were like 100 years old. Do you know how much it was all worth? I was going to drink half and sell the other half.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… If it’s 100 years old that’s clearly expired.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh Tink, that’s not how the wine works. Where did it go? Tink, where did it go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… [exhales]

LILIT: Xianna is now right in front of Tink and holding onto his hair, and she’s just kind of leaned up.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tiiink! Tink, tell me where did you put the wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s long gone by now. I put it in the airlock and it went flying.

LILIT: Xianna collapses on the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink! That was so much money, and so much wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you know, life isn’t about money and wine, it’s about friendship and—

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s all it is about! It is… All life is is money and wine. Tink! [sobs] It’s so sticky in there. Why is it so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): Some of them melted. I got the temperature readings wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): But they’re in, like, baggies. And containers. How are they so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): I eat half of them and then put them back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why do you eat only half a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sometimes I’m not hungry enough for a full one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, he’s not allowed to do this.

CAMERON (as Karma): Allowed to do what?

CAMERON: Karma’s walking up the ramp of the ship having missed this conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): He took all the wine away and put popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you even put popsicles in the wine cellar? The wine cellar is like 5 Celsius. It is not cold enough to freeze the popsicles.

HUDSON (as Tink): They just get a little mushy. But you know, honestly… Okay, Xianna, you say the wine’s gone, but I’m seeing a lot of whine in here right now.

[emotional music ends abruptly]

LILIT (as Xianna): [still sobbing] Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, if you had popsicles in here why did you need so much space in the freezers?

HUDSON (as Tink): [withdrawn] For more popsicles…

CAMERON (as Karma): How many did you buy?!

LILIT (as Xianna): You made me get rid of my frozen meals. They had the little brownie in the tray.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you know those are garbage.

LILIT (as Xianna): Those are the best ones! Yes, I know they are for children, but I like them a lot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is that the one with the chicken nuggies?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’ve got the tip-yip nuggies.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aww.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the little mac and cheese, and a veggie that I often ignore, and then a brownie. Sometimes they have a little apple spice thing. That’s good too. Karma, make him throw out the popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales] Okay, so this is one situation where I don’t think that, like… throwing out the popsicles isn’t going to fix the fact that he’s already thrown out the wine. Then we’re just out more money.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would make me feel better though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not a good enough reason. I think it would be a huge waste, and we should just all have a popsicle and calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine, but you have to take out your popsicles from the main freezer. Okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You can only have one space for popsicles. You need to consolidate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… Once I look up what consolidate means I’ll be sure to do that.

NICK: At this point you hear the clanking of boots on the entry ramp and Meelo pokes his head into the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow, nice place you got here.

NICK: He has a giant durasteel crate with backpack straps on his back, just like a cube that doesn’t look like it should be able to be held that way. He looks into the doorway of where you all are.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh! Nice popsicle cellar. Swanky!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. You look like a really shiny delivery person.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, the delivery’s… me. Ready to get out of the jungle. Sure would be cool. Can I have a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, of course. We’re actually trying to eat these down to make room for new kinds of popsicles.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you’re trying to consolidate?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as Meelo): Great. Toss me one.

HUDSON: I throw a popsicle and they catch it like an anime.

NICK: Yep. They catch it, but it also, it’s the shape of a popsicle, but when they catch it the top and bottom half fold around their hand in the package because these are very barely slushy at this point. Meelo makes a face and then tears open the top.

NICK (as Meelo): Eh, I mean I’ll drink a popsicle. I’m not proud.

NICK: And starts to chug it and then sets this big crate down in the doorway.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, it looks like you managed to get that malsoom skin all loaded up, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

CAMERON: Karma walks out of the now popsicle cellar, pauses at the doorway, fixes the temperature settings to now be a popsicle cellar…

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, you don’t want to refreeze something that’s thawed. That’s against quality guidelines.

LILIT: Xianna is still on the floor wiping her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because when they make them in the factory they freeze them at a very, very low temperature very fast, so it prevents the formation of ice crystals, so when you refreeze them in a regular freezer it takes longer so the ice crystals form.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, exactly. Xianna knows her popsicles.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You must really like popsicles. You’re the one who made the popsicle freezer, aren’t you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh…

CAMERON: Karma leaves the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no… I don’t know why I learned that, actually. I didn’t have a lot of frozen foods growing up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I see.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just always so hot that there is no way you can transport the popsicles from the store to your house without them melting, so you just kind of eat them at the store.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That sounds like a nice little treat as you’re walking around throwing food in your basket.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we would steal them, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): You would like take the popsicles, hide them in your coat, and then you would go to the bathroom. You would eat the popsicles there and then you would throw them away, and then that’s not shoplifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): A little five-finger discount going, even a ten-finger discount.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It was a very popular activity amongst all of my friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hoodlums.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON: Karma has closed up the entrance ramp and is walking back with the crate that the Stone Breaker’s in with HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do y’all… Do y’all wanna get out of the freezer?

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Yes.

NICK: It has gotten noticeably colder in there since Karma adjusted the temperature.

CAMERON (as Karma): Come on. Meelo, we can choose your room.

NICK (as Meelo): Choose my…? Wow! You have multiple births? This is a swanky ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Do you have a bed shape preference?

LILIT (as Xianna): There are eight rooms, but one of them is mine so you can’t have that one, and I guess Karma and Tink also have rooms, so there’s really five rooms for you to choose from. Just be warned that one of them is very weird and sticky and you shouldn’t go in there. Also it’s haunted, so…

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. I would like to avoid the haunted sticky room, please, but otherwise don’t have much of a preference.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. How about this one?

CAMERON: Karma opens up one of the doors at random that’s not one of the four that we called out.

NICK: Yeah, it’s just a normal room with two bunks and a little wet bar and a little on-suite refresher, because these are very nice births. Meelo says…

NICK (as Meelo): Wow! These are like captain’s quarters on most ships.

NICK: …and starts to walk in and drops his big crate with a very loud clang, and it doesn’t bounce or move. It’s very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. This ship used to be a party yacht.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it still is a party yacht, we just haven’t been partying lately.

CAMERON (as Karma): It kinda still is, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): True.

CAMERON: Karma takes the crate with the Stone Breaker and is gonna go store it somewhere.

NICK: Yeah. There’s plenty of places to put it down around the ship.

CAMERON: I think Karma just carries it in and sets the crate in the living room, like out of the walkways but it’s in the same room.

NICK: Do you keep it with the Spirit Breaker?


NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: Just forming a collection area.

NICK: Cool. Where are you keeping them?

CAMERON: I think the Spirit Breaker has been just sitting in the middle of the living room on the coffee table in one of those decorative bowls where people put glass balls, and it’s just sitting in there with some normal glass balls.

NICK: Okay. So, as you get closer to the Spirit Breaker, carrying this crate, you can feel an aura almost. It’s kind of like when you press two same pole magnets together but less intense, and with magnets it gets really strong as you get closer and really weak very quickly, and this one’s a constant push where you can feel extra resistance against the crate. It’s like on the edge of your hearing you can almost hear something as they get closer together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh…

CAMERON: Karma just sets down the crate against the wall in the living room.

NICK: The Spirit Breaker in the decorative bowl with other glass spheres rattles once and then goes still. As soon as you let go of the crate you stop hearing the noise.

CAMERON: Karma glances back and forth between the two of them for a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…

CAMERON: And turns around and heads back to where everybody else is in the ship. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] You all strap into seats around the ship. Meelo makes himself comfortable in his birth. Karma, you get ready to fly the Afternoon Delight back out of the Ithorian jungle and into space. I’m gonna need a Piloting check from you.

CAMERON: Great. What’s the difficulty on the Piloting check?

NICK: It’s gonna be average this time, because you know generally what you need to do and you’ve done it once before.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Great. So, describe your path as you wind your way through the sensor bubbles without being detected and make it back into orbit.

CAMERON: I think it’s a pretty straight-shot path, but for no reason, probably, the ship is going straight up but doing the spinning, just as it’s going up, because it looks cool.

NICK: So you make it out into orbit and you punch to hyperspace and quickly leave orbit just in case anything around was detecting you, and fall back out of hyperspace in a deserted corner of the galaxy. As you float through the darkness you all have a chance to stop and plan. We cut to all of y’all in the hot tub including Meelo who looks extremely comfortable.

NICK (as Meelo): So uh… where are you gonna drop me off exactly? I like y’all, but it’s time for me to get back to my wife and kids, and I need to figure out how to plan to get there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where do you need to end up?

NICK (as Meelo): Uh, well the family’s on Sullust, but any major spaceport will get me home. I just need to know so I can start planning, because I don’t have a ton of money, so I’m probably gonna have to do a little work to get ready to go. I just like to know what the plan is, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hey Xianna, do you know where Nolaa is at the moment?

[cute and gentle electronic music begins]

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is leaned over the side of the hot tub just texting away on the coms and leans back a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, Nolaa is in Coruscant right now. I can’t tell you what she’s doing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why can’t you tell us what she’s doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): I just can’t! She said I can’t say. But she’s in Coruscant.

HUDSON (as Tink): What does it rhyme with? What does what she’s doing rhyme with?

LILIT (as Xianna): Smarson…

HUDSON (as Tink): Smarson…?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): I do not know what smarson is.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): I bet you that Nolaa didn’t tell Xianna and that’s why she can’t say, because their relationship was damaged earlier.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay HK, calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, we have been working on that, and we have been having talks about communication and commitment issues and all of that, and I feel like we are at a very good place.

NICK (as HK): I still do not understand the significance of the toothbrush.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, HK… [exhales]

NICK (as HK): Is it because you can use it to stab people?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, partially, because it was a shank as well so you could, but it is more about the symbolism of the relationship than it was about the specific physical toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and it’s actually about the physical toothbrush, because if it’s a shank then it can hurt intruders, so really you just gave a gift.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated sounds] No, I don’t think Nolaa appreciated it because specifically it was a shank.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well she did, it was just also that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): She may have appreciated the fact that was funny, but that wasn’t why she was happy that Xianna gave it to her.

NICK (as HK): Yes Tink, never forget the old nursery rhyme: vibro-blades and stones will hurt my bones but a toothbrush will never hurt me.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, there’s a lot of ways you can kill a person with a toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. It’s an old Mandalorian saying, so…

[gentle electronic music fades]

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. Yes. Nolaa is on Coruscant, and since she had the yellow dildo crystal thingy or whatever, hopefully she just hasn’t fenced it yet and we can go and we can get it, or you know if she has fenced it we just figure out who she sold it to and we steal it back.

NICK: Meelo is just watching this conversation, turning his head back and forth, completely out of his depth and very confused.

CAMERON: Karma turns back to Meelo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Coruscant work for you?

[gentle electronic music returns]

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I guess. If you’re buying sex toys, that’s cool I guess. Like, have fun with that. I don’t… Is the thing you found on Ithor a sex toy?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t believe so.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean anything can be a sex toy if you try hard enough.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t know that.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you?

CAMERON (as Karma): But I don’t… No, I don’t think so.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not its intended purpose.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

[gentle electronic music fades]

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Well yeah, I guess we could go to Coruscant. Um… Sullust isn’t super close to there, but it’s like the biggest spaceport in the galaxy, so it should be pretty easy for me to hitch a lift there. I think I have some contacts too. I just need to make it there in one piece.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably make that happen.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can’t promise all of these things, but we can give loose… what is it, like loose guarantees.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why we wouldn’t arrive to Coruscant in one piece.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we’re getting chased by the people from Ithor?

LILIT: Xianna leans in to Meelo and just quietly says:

LILIT (as Xianna): Meelo, it seems like you maybe have a lot of commitment issues and that you expect those around you to betray you, and I can give you some good videos to watch about learning how to overcome that and trust people again.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. I was just really, really worried about being left alone in the jungle, but maybe there is more to it than that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well look, commitment issues often come from a real place of trauma and a real event, but you have to understand that same event is not going to keep happening over and over, and you have to move past it and accept it and learn from the situation and remember that you can trust most people in your life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The likelihood of you being on another herdship that gets shot down by the Empire is rather low I think.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, see, that wasn’t the situation that was so bad. Well, I mean, that was a big scary ship crash. That was pretty bad. But it was the amount of times that I saw people down on the planet and they shot at me rather than help me. That’s really why I was a little concerned about our relationship. But I do think that those are some pretty good rules to realize and live by.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know Meelo, you have to be introspective before you can be extrospective, and never forget that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh, and if you want any videos on how to properly hide glitterstim in a room I can send you those too. I don’t know why they were in the same playlist, but you know, is both helpful.

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, I am a smuggler, so I’m pretty good at hiding things already…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean yes, but sometimes, you know, you are always learning new things about your trade and your craft, and I didn’t realize some of these things, like ways to remove crown molding and hollow it out and then replace it. Never knew that one.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that’s pretty good actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

NICK (as Meelo): That had not occurred to me. I like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly. I know!

NICK (as Meelo): And your ship has a lot of crown molding.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh. Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): How many other ships have crown molding, though? It’s so strange the amount of wood that’s on this one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly the fancy ones. Mostly just the party yachts, and you would be surprised by how many party yachts I have had to hide drugs in.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think I’d actually be that surprised.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Now that I say it, it seems pretty typical for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): That tracks.

NICK (as HK): And who would expect a party yacht to be filled with super-fun drugs?

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand.

NICK (as HK): Yes, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I was saying that I would expect the party yacht to be full of drugs.

NICK (as HK): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, it’s actually a very well-known thing. That is why you have to hide it so much, because sometimes the fuzz busts in and tries to bust you and you have to pretend that you had no idea what was happening. “There are drugs? Officer, I had no idea.”

NICK (as HK): Oh, secondary user Xianna. The fuzz, that is when you “cheese it” if I recall from our previous lessons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You throw things at them and yell scatter and everybody runs away.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you see cherry toppers you gotta run.

NICK: So Meelo climbs out of the hot tub and he’s wearing little swim trunks with loth-cats on them. You’re not sure where he got them from, but maybe somewhere on the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, this has been fun, but I’m pretty tired after finally being rescued from that terrifying jungle where I had to fight for my life every day, so I think I’m gonna go take a nap until we get to Coruscant I guess. Thanks for the lift, y’all. Please don’t pump all the air out of my room or lock me up or kick me out of an airlock.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the videos Xianna suggested might be good.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I’m realizing now as I say that, that’s a pretty…

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah… Xianna, here’s my com number. Could you just send me the link to those?

LILIT: Xianna punches in some numbers and stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Here you go. I also sent you a playlist for easy recipes to make in a microwave.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, those are pretty understandably related. That makes sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I just, you know, it’s good to have.

NICK: His com beeps in a friendly way, and he looks a little confused for a second.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh yeah, I didn’t have com access for so long that now that it works again it’s kinda surprising to hear the beeping. But great, thanks you guys, and I’ll see you later.

NICK: And off he goes. HK watches Meelo walk out of the room. His body doesn’t move, but his head pivots 270 degrees as he leaves, and he turns back and says:

NICK (as HK): That organic seems suspicious.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of us? Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think he is just lonely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Does this require investigation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, okay, not this time. This isn’t the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not suspicious enough.

LILIT: Xianna perks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh. Nolaa is aware that we are going to come visit.

LILIT: And holds up the coms, and you can see in the text chat that Xianna sent spaceship, Coruscant flag emoji, kissy face, and then the person emojis for Gigoran, Nautolan, Twi’lek, with an arrow.


LILIT: Then Nolaa has replied “great, see you soon, xoxo.” [laughs]

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): See? We are going to go do things. You can’t look at the other messages.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, why not?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Partially because of the smarson, wink-wink, and partially because it is private.

HUDSON (as Tink): Privacy is a foreign concept to me.

LILIT: Xianna looks back down at the coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! She says she will take us out to pizza. She knows a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): It has been a long time since I’ve had pizza.

NICK (as HK): Karma, when was the last time that you consumed pizza for your weak organic frame?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay, don’t appreciate that comment on my frame, but I don’t remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you count pizza days at the prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not real pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was okay.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We had pizza back at the resort…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): …when we did that. Yeah. Okie, so Nolaa is going to take us out for pizza and then we will figure out where the yellow crystal thingy is. I don’t remember if we got a real name for it. Then once we figure out where it is we will go get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the dildo was called the Space Breaker.

NICK: Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it will break some spaces if you know what I mean. Ha-ha!

CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Yup.

LILIT: Xianna does finger guns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um…

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll look it up. I’ll look it up online.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, look it up maybe.

NICK (as HK): Answer to Query: Tink, that is because they have been saying that it looks like a toy used for sexual congress and it is a euphemism for using that toy as it is designed on a regular basis.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you don’t have to. He can look it up by himself. So anyways, does that sound like a good plan?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

NICK: We get an outside view of the ship floating in space, and then after a brief and beautiful look of all the stars around, the ship jumps to hyperspace again as Karma changes the heading to go towards Coruscant. The next thing that we see is the ship coming in to land on Coruscant, swooping down onto a public landing pad, and you all exiting the ship. Meelo leaves with his large crate on some straps and waves in a friendly way to you before walking off and being quickly lost in the crowd.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. Let’s go see about some pizza and dildos.

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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