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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Xianna Interstitial 1, Part 1:
Proof of Mal Intent

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Well everyone, as the galaxy continues to turn around us the crew of the Afternoon Delight is separated by time and circumstance. The next few arcs will focus on individual members of the crew with some amazing guests to help us tell stories. We hope you enjoy.

I want to take a moment to thank our newest patrons! ChaseMin, thank you for your extremely generous support of the show. The Rebellion is running pretty low on intel right now, so we got you this notebook and tape recorder. See if you can get out there and find us some clues on what the Empire is up to. Haley McAuliffe, thank you for your support of the crew. We got a message from Falx Urnstad. We don’t know how he got our number, but he’s requesting some sort of parlay and we don’t know what it’s about. Can you take a ship out there and see what he’s up to? Look out for betrayal. And David Tulius, thank you as well for supporting the crew. It looks like there’s some bounty hunters out there looking for us. We got you this bounty hunter license and a cool hat. Either make friends or take them out, your choice, but be careful.

Thank you again to all our patrons for taking care of us and helping us keep the squad in the skies, and thank you to all of our listeners for coming with us on this journey.

Music this week is Wirklich Wichtig (ID 211) by Checkie Brown.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

[musical chime]
Hi, I’m Lilit and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I was going by an old name during this recording and while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name when discussing the episode. Thanks!
[musical chime]

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Xianna’s Solo Adventure. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Just jumping right into some things after the conclusion of Season 1, doing a little bit of exploration into our characters as they go off on their own into the galaxy. We’re gonna go around the virtual table and everybody say who you are and who you will be playing today starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I will be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: [smiling] God damn it.

[laughter]

LAURA: I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Oh gosh. I was gonna say, I did not write this for Tink. I don’t know if this is gonna mess it all up. Okay, and up next we have Jo. Hi Jo.

JO: Hi! I’m Jo, and I will be playing Mal, the Zabrak hacker.

NICK: Ooh. Jo, thank you for guesting on the show~

JO: Thank you for having me.

NICK: Of course! Do you have any projects that you would like to plug? Where can people find you on the internet?

JO: I would like to plug Arms of the Tide. Arms of the Tide is a story where I play a flammable, purple, plant-wolf with depression, and if that doesn’t sell you we have a lovable robot with a heart of gold and a fuckton of cats.

NICK: [laughs]

JO: Oh shoot! Am I allowed to swear? You all swear, right?

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: Oh, we swear a lot.

JO: Okay. I could’ve sworn that there was swearing, but the moment I did it I was like OH NO! [giggles]

NICK: Oh no, we fucking cuss, Jo. You’re good.

LAURA: We are like 30% swear words.

NICK: [grinning] Anyway, do you have anything else that you would like to plug, Jo?

JO: Um, The ORPHEUS Protocol, which is horror, and it’s run by the amazing storyteller Rob Stith who is also a friend, so I’m biased, but I’d recommend that. Well, I guess if a listener is interested in lots of swearing and incredibly rude jokes they can check out our Haven: City of Violence episodes over on One Shot.

NICK: Oh gosh, I forgot about those. Those are fun.

LAURA: They’re all so good.

NICK: Yeah. I will definitely take a second to say that Arms of the Tide and ORPHEUS Protocol are the two shows that always jump to the top of my play list whenever new episodes come out. They are just fantastic, so anybody listening should listen to those. They are very good.

JO: Well thank you.

NICK: And also Haven: City of Violence is an experience.

[laughter]

JO: [grinning] Oh god, it really is.

NICK: It was really fun. I laughed a lot. It is confusing, in a good way. It is fun.

JO: That’s good. There was a lot that was not cut that we thought was going to be cut.

NICK & LAURA: [laughs]

JO: But yeah, thank you for having me. Hopefully Mal will work out and have some fun.

NICK: So, before we get started, we need to do the Destiny Roll.

LAURA: Okay. … Oh no. So mine came back two dark side points.

NICK: Off to a great start.

LAURA: And the other one for Jo came back with one dark side point.

NICK: [sinister laughter]

JO: Sweet.

NICK: Wonderful. Great.

LAURA: Sorry.

NICK: But the good news is nothing is going to go wrong, everything’s gonna be perfectly fine, so you won’t need those. Alright, so we ready to get started?

LAURA & JO: Yes.

NICK: Oh boy. We open on a dark and dusty bar.

[slow country western guitar music begins]

A single overhead fan spins lazily over the sparse clientele. Morning sunlight filters in through high, small windows. The building is built into the ground keeping out most of the heat. A bartender wipes the inside of a metal glass with a dirty rag, chewing on their lip and staring into space. At the end of a bar a Chadra-Fan is jumping up and down trying to get the bartender’s attention but so far has had no luck.

Xianna, you enter the bar and take stock of your surroundings. You received an anonymous message through the kind of channels that mean the offer is legit. They wanted an expert for a rob and sabotage job. They don’t mention pay, but they do mention rights to anything you can steal on the job. It’s supposedly a good tip to a low-security gig, and let’s face it, it’s been about a month since the shipyard incident and you’re getting bored. Your instructions were to sit at the booth in the back of the bar and wait for your contact. The booth in question is empty and easy to see. What do you do?

LAURA: I go up and get a drink from the bar first and then go sit down, wait, but I’m also definitely on my com channel texting emojis to various people.

NICK: Hmm. So two questions. One, what is your drink of choice in this small, dusty bar, and two, what is the most recent string of emojis you’ve sent to somebody?

LAURA: I do not have a fancy drink name right now…

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: …so I’m just gonna say a jogan fruit and vodka.

NICK: Is it like a cranberry vodka, so it’s like jogan fruit juice?

LAURA: Yes. [laughs]

NICK: Okay. I was picturing like a sky vodka crossover where it’s just jogan fruit flavored and is really chemical.

LAURA: Nah, it’s just basically a cranberry vodka but with whatever jogan fruit is supposed to be.

NICK: Yep. The bartender definitely opens up a very dusty can of jogan fruit juice, and it comes out and looks mostly fine but pretty old. It tastes more like the interior of the can than the juice is supposed to, but the vodka’s good.

LAURA: And then the most recent string of emojis is definitely just like eight peaches in a row to Nolaa.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah. I think Nolaa has been playing the game for a while of trying to come up with a different way to respond to peach emoji every time and has gotten into the ASCII art of Kirby flipping desks and things but more lewd. So, that conversation is going on.

LAURA: Yeah. She’s just gonna sit there emoji-ing away until someone decides to come up to her, because she’s not gonna put in the effort.

NICK: Fair. The camera does a pan around the bar and shows the Chadra-Fan, the little bat person who’s probably like half a meter tall, still jumping and waving at the bartender who served you right away and is ignoring the Chadra-Fan. Then we get one of those clock wipes where it goes around to show the passage of time, and Xianna is still sitting at the bar. I think her posture has shrunk over time because it’s been about 15-20 minutes at this point.

LAURA: Oh yeah, she is laying down in it, back, feet are now up resting on that back top rim of the booth cushions.

NICK: Nice. After 15-20 minutes someone else enters the bar. The Chadra-Fan finally gets the bartender’s attention, grabs a drink, sees the person in the doorway and hides back behind the bar away from this new entrant. Jo, please describe your character for us.

JO: Okay. So, Mal is a Zabrak. They are one of the red-skinned base ones, and they have a halo of horns at the top of their head. They are wearing clothes with way too many pockets if too many pockets were such a thing to be had.

NICK: Nice.

JO: And they have a hood that they take off as they enter in the bar. I suppose that Mal would do a scan around to see if they recognize anyone.

NICK: Yeah. So Mal, you know who offered you the job and you know that they said you’d have a partner for help, and you can see a purple Twi’lek sitting upside down in a booth in the back of the bar. You know that booth is where you were supposed to meet. Do you approach?

JO: Yes.

NICK: Okay. You sidle up to this booth. Xianna, you are approached by a—How is Mal stature-wise, Jo? Are they tall, short, stronk?

JO: They’re pretty medium, honestly, and they walk tall with their head up, but yeah, pretty medium.

NICK: Cool, so still taller than Xianna, probably. Xianna, you’ve been approached by a red skin Zabrak covered in pouches.

LAURA: Xianna, still upside down, does a little wave.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, ‘ello.

JO: Mal gives you a nod.

JO (as Mal): [tentatively] Howdy. I take it you’re here for the job.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. I am assuming you are as well.

JO (as Mal): Yep, that’s the only thing that would get me down here on Tatooine.

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Do you want a jogan fruit and vodka? I found someone over on the other side of the bar who will buy them for me.

JO (as Mal): I’m good, thank you though.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

JO (as Mal): I like to keep a clear head for the job, you know.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes, uh, same. Definitely the same. Clear head.

LAURA: You can see there’s five empty glasses on the table.

JO: I just nod at the glasses and slide into the booth.

LAURA: Xianna does pop back up into seated position.

NICK: Okay. As you sort of size each other up a third figure enters the bar. The Chadra-Fan pokes their head up, sees who it is, and throws their drink at the approaching person.

NICK (as Chadra-Fan): Kriff you!

NICK: They shout. The person ducks out of the way and shrugs magnanimously. As the door swings shut and the bright desert sun is blocked away you get a clear look at the new bar patron. He’s a tall Zabrak man, a little over two meters. He has medium brown skin covered in lighter tan tattoos. He’s wearing clothes that look like a fashion designer tried to codify smuggler vogue.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: Expensive materials beginning to fray at the hems, a dark vest, tight pants, and impractical boots. This is Falx Urnstad, former Imperial Regional Governor and aspiring smuggler. He approaches the booth where you are both sitting.

[music fades]

LAURA: Xianna is already waving.

LAURA (as Xianna): Falx~ Falx! We are over here. Hello~! I thought you were dead! Did you not die?

NICK (as Falx): The stories of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. My dear, dear friends.

NICK: He walks over and gestures widely. You can see the Chadra-Fan sitting at the bar just making anger eyes towards you now.

NICK (as Falx): Welcome to Tatooine. I see you’ve made it alright.

NICK: He orders a drink, waving his hand.

NICK (as Falx): How are you doing this fine day?

LAURA (as Xianna): Good. Good. Um, did you know you were going to hire me?

NICK (as Falx): Oh, yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): And are we, as you say, “cool?”

NICK (as Falx): You know, honestly, I’m a little surprised that you’re not madder at me… last time we saw each other I sort of tried to frame you for murder. I thought I was gonna have to talk you out of stabbing me.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. I just feel like I, at some point… Did that happen? I’m pretty sure we charged an extreme amount of money to one of your accounts, so I thought you were going to be very mad at me.

NICK (as Falx): You what?!

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, like a whole week vacation in a penthouse suite at some very fancy beach resort. I’m pretty sure it was a beach resort… No, yes, because we played volleyball so it must have been a beach resort.

JO (as Mal): You can play volleyball elsewhere.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well it was like in the sand, and there was water.

NICK: [chuckles]

JO (as Mal): Oh, that’s a beach resort.

LAURA (as Xianna): So yeah, I think it was a beach resort.

NICK: The camera pans outside through one of the small windows and there’s a forlorn looking volleyball net stuck in a sand dune and then cuts back inside.

NICK (as Falx): So, you said my account. Was that, like, one of my Imperial charge accounts maybe?

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know. Tink did it. I just told him to charge it to you, so…

NICK (as Falx): Well, currently I am not super flush with cash anyway, so I don’t know. Maybe that’s some of the money that got seized by the Imperial government after some recent activities of mine.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, when you tried to murder another Imperial. We were there. We saw what happened.

NICK (as Falx): Not tried. I was extremely successful if I recall correctly, thank you very much.

LAURA (as Xianna): Eh, I don’t remember so, but I see you are doing okay~

JO (as Mal): You look like shit.

NICK (as Falx): Hey!

LAURA (as Xianna): That is why I said okay, heh, and not good.

NICK (as Falx): These smuggler’s clothes, it really helps you blend in these kind of circles, you know?

LAURA (as Xianna): [interrupting] No.

NICK (as Falx): I worked very hard assembling this outfit.

LAURA (as Xianna): No. You look like a tourist.

NICK (as Falx): YOU look like a tourist.

LAURA (as Xianna): How dare you.

NICK: [laughs] A martini is delivered by the bartender who also glares at Falx and then walks back behind the bar. He grabs it, takes a sip, and says:

NICK (as Falx): You know, I think this bar may make the worst space martinis in the galaxy.

JO (as Mal): You know, I think that he may have spit in it, so that could be part of it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, I did see him do that.

NICK (as Falx): Hmm.

NICK: He takes a sip, looks contemplative, and then shrugs and continues to drink.

NICK (as Falx): Can’t win them all. So, you’re probably wondering why I called you both here. Great to see you, Mal, by the way. It’s been quite a while.

JO (as Mal): Never long enough.

NICK (as Falx): Oh, come on now, normally our interactions are at least profitable.

JO: Mal cracks a smile.

NICK (as Falx): And besides, considering you’re part of the reason I was able to get out from under the Imperial thumb, make this new identity, I figured that we would be able to have a working relationship at this point, especially since I’m about to help you make some money.

JO (as Mal): Well, money does make the universe go round. Let’s get on it.

NICK (as Falx): Fine. So here’s what’s going on. Like I said, I’m really getting into the smuggler’s life at this point. I’m gonna work towards being more of an independent business man than the Imperial side of things. It was definitely a me decision. It didn’t have anything to do with anything else going on. I was trying to do a little smuggling into the Dune Sea. It was a really big contract and I got completely screwed. It turns out that the trash that I was hauling as cover wasn’t actually covering anything. It was just trash. My pilot won’t leave the ship and I didn’t get paid enough to fuel up and leave. Can you believe that? Premiere smuggling tycoon Falx Urnstad is out of gas. It’s terrible.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, that makes sense. You are very bad at smuggling.

JO: Mal rubs their nose to hide a smile.

NICK (as Falx): I am not bad—How would you even know I’m bad at smuggling? You haven’t seen me be a smuggler. This is pretty new.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, you arranged jobs for us to do smuggling and they were bad.

NICK (as Falx): No, see, it’s a common misconception. That was a betrayal that looked like smuggling—

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Falx): –and it went pretty well.

LAURA (as Xianna): It did not!

NICK (as Falx): I just didn’t expect you to murder everyone. It went well for me!

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, it did not go well for us outside of the fact that we were alive at the end.

NICK (as Falx): You make a good point. I’m realizing that I should probably consider others more now that I don’t have the backing of the Imperial government. That is something that I will take to heart. I appreciate your interest in my growth as a person, Xianna. that’s really good stuff.

LAURA (as Xianna): You’re welcome~

NICK (as Falx): You see that, Mal? I’m growing as a person.

JO (as Mal): Sure you are. It’s one thing to say that you’re gonna grow and that you’re gonna change and it’s another to actually do it. It takes a lot of work to commit to something.

NICK (as Falx): Hmm. I’ll see what I can do. You know, I think this is a good first step. This is an honest contract, no betrayal, and I’ve got a hot tip. I’m gonna help you find somewhere to hit, and I just ask for a couple of small things in return. Doesn’t that sound great?

JO (as Mal): It sounds like you got something.

NICK (as Falx): So… that trash I was talking about, I dropped it at a scrapyard on the edge of the Dune Sea and they only paid me scrap prices and threatened to shoot me before I could do anything about it. Obviously it’s better to be alive and broke than dead and rich, but I think I have an idea for how to be both alive AND rich.

That scrapyard has a lot more security than it should really need. I know that they only bought scrap from me, but the rest of it doesn’t make any sense. It’s still not exactly an Imperial prison facility, you should be able to make quick work of it, but it did have armed guards, some surveillance, and droids. There’s a lot there. It’s got walls, it’s secure, I think they might be doing more than just scrapping out there in the desert. I think there’s money to be made.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean probably.

NICK (as Falx): That’s why I called you. I’m not sure exactly what’s there, but it’s there, and I know the two of you can get in and mess it up easy. All I want out of this is a container of their ship fuel and a lead on my next smuggling contract. The owner has to have contacts filed in there somewhere. It’s worth more to me than whatever they’re doing. If you bring me those two things you’re welcome to whatever else you find there. Honestly, one of those security droids alone is probably worth more than your usual commission for a job like this. That’s what made me suspicious in the first place.

So basically, go in, steal what you want, get me fuel and some new contacts, and get out. What do you say?

JO (as Mal): [reluctantly] Fine.

LAURA (as Xianna): What part is the part where you are going to betray us? I just want to know ahead of time so I can plan ahead.

NICK (as Falx): Mal had a good point. I really need to commit and show demonstrable change, so that’s what I’m doing. No betrayal. Honestly, I’m a little worried you’re gonna betray me and not bring the fuel back, but I didn’t know who else to turn to, and apparently you owe me because you charged a ton of money, so…

LAURA (as Xianna): No~

JO (as Mal): Uh, no-no-no, you accused her of murder. She is allowed to take a month-long vacation, so really you still owe her three weeks.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, I did do the murder.

JO (as Mal): Oh!

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, not that murder, not the one he did and got arrested for or whatever, but I have done the murders in the past. Usually justified, though.

JO (as Mal): I mean everybody’s done a few murders in the past. It’s not that big a deal. You just need to own up or make sure there’s nothing to connect you.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK: Falx is looking reasonably concerned at the way this conversation has gone.

NICK (as Falx): I don’t think I’ve ever done a murder—Oh wait, no, I definitely have done one murder.

LAURA (as Xianna): You just said that you did a murder like two minutes ago.

NICK (as Falx): Yeah, I’m realizing that now. Well, the thing is though, I didn’t do the murder, it looked like I did the murder which was a mistake… Okay, so I—Is it a murder if you stab the guy and then he bleeds out?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

JO (as Mal): Yes.

NICK (as Falx): Because I feel like I didn’t kill him, the blood loss killed him, you know?

LAURA (as Xianna): No, that is a murder.

NICK (as Falx): Okay, so I’ve done a few murders. Okay, so we’re all on the same page. I betrayed you, you charged a bunch of money, we’re even. That means we’re friends now, so we can just have a business relationship. I think this is gonna go really well.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. I mean, questioning a murder is more like if I poison a man and then while he is passing out he falls off a cliff, did I kill him or did he just fall off a cliff?

JO (as Mal): I’m pretty sure you still killed him, because he might not have fallen off of the cliff if you hadn’t poisoned him.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, they were very clumsy.

JO (as Mal): Ehh.

NICK (as Falx): Wait. Did this stop being a hypothetical and start being a thing that you’ve done?

LAURA (as Xianna): No.

JO (as Mal): Wait. Have these been hypothetical?

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I definitely have never done this before. And besides, I think I am still legally dead, so none of my crimes count.

NICK (as Falx): That’s definitely not how that works.

LAURA (as Xianna): If I am not in the system because they think I am dead then they cannot charge me for crimes.

JO (as Mal): They can put you back in the system. I’ve put people back into the system.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, but until I am back in the system they can’t charge me. That is how that works. It’s like if you commit a crime two times in a row it is double jeopardy and they can’t charge you for the second one.

JO (as Mal): Yes, and if you and your spouse commit the same crime they can only charge one of you. Absolutely.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

JO (as Mal): That is how the law works.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is why I got married one of the times.

JO (as Mal): Mm-hmm.

JO: [smiling] Mal just gives tiny nods.

NICK (as Falx): Oh kriff! I gotta get married, and then maybe murder someone. This sounds foolproof.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. I’ve been married like, six times?

NICK (as Falx): Huh.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, like all were fake under different names, but I mean, still fun.

NICK (as Falx): See, I can tell from this conversation that I picked the right people for this job. I’m feeling more confident every minute. I am so glad that you chose to meet me here in… this tiny, dusty cesspit.

LAURA (as Xianna): Tatooine?

NICK (as Falx): Tatooine is a dusty cesspit. I was trying to cast aspersions upon the bar, because it’s a tiny, dusty cesspit.

NICK: The bartender makes a rude gesture and Falx returns it.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think they just don’t like you.

NICK (as Falx): That just shows that they’re not a good business person. Everybody likes Falx.

LAURA (as Xianna): No…

JO (as Mal): [coughs dramatically, clears throat]

NICK (as Falx): Mal, you—Mal. Come on now. You know that you love me.

JO (as Mal): It’s real dusty in here. It must be [coughs] acting up. [coughs] Ooh, let’s get to the scrapyard.

NICK (as Falx): Alright, I’ve got the coordinates right here. I’m gonna give them to you because I think we’ve all established that we’re all trustworthy people and no one’s gonna betray anyone.

NICK: He slides a small data pad across the bar. A little hologram pops up and you can kinda see where you are and the coordinates that it’s leading to. It’s probably an hour or so away by speeder from where you are now.

NICK (as Falx): Oh, and uh, one more thing before you go. These nerf herders, they played me for a fool. If you destroy their business, burn them out, smash the facility, whatever you have to do, I would see that as a personal favor. I would be happy to pay it back. It’d really help me sleep better at night knowing that they were done for.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so a smash and smash and grab. Got it.

JO (as Mal): It’s not B&E without a lot of B.

NICK (as Falx): If you run into a Devaronian, that’s the guy who owns the place, his name’s Garbo Daville. Whatever you can do to make his life miserable. If you can find him you’ll probably find the files you’re looking for. Besides that, that’s all I’ve got. I was not there very long, but I leave it in your capable hands.

NICK: And he downs the rest of his martini.

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Were we getting paid for this job, again?

JO (as Mal): We’re getting paid for whatever we take.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay, right.

NICK (as Falx): I’m negotiating for gas, so obviously I’m a little tight on cash right now, but the info’s good, I promise.

JO (as Mal): Mm-hmm. Falx, if you would scooch your boot out of the booth so I can leave?

NICK (as Falx): Oh. Right. You sure you don’t wanna just—Oh, yeah, that’s fine.

NICK: He stands up and backs away.

JO: And I climb out of the booth.

LAURA: Xianna just downs whatever drink she has in front of her that’s left, just shoves the empty glass into Falx’s hand, and then saunters off.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as Falx): [stammers] Alright, well, I’ll be right here. Just come find me when it’s done. Don’t forget that fuel. Very important.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as Falx): I don’t have a ton of friends, so…

LAURA (as Xianna): Byeee. We definitely will not betray you because you are definitely not going to betray uuus.

JO (as Mal): I mean, if he tries we know where his ship is and can just take apart the pieces.

LAURA (as Xianna): Or we can just come back and punch him.

JO (as Mal): Can we at least shank him? A punchin’ seems a little weak.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t have any knives.

JO (as Mal): I have a scythe.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mostly just have handcuffs and guns.

NICK: So yeah, at the mention of the scythe, Mal, you have a vibro-scythe. Are you just wearing it across your back? Does it have a blade that switches out? What does this thing look like?

JO: It looks like just a scythe blade, and it’s sheathed right now, but when Mal takes it out of its sheathe the handle pops out so that way they can actually hold and swing it.

NICK: Oh cool. That is the exact opposite of what I was picturing, and I really like it.

JO: [giggling] Thanks.

NICK: Okay. You have the location that you need to go to. It’s kinda far. What is y’all’s next move? Are you going to try to collect any more information? How are you gonna get there? What is the plan?

JO: So, my space ship actually looks kind of like a galleon, like a water sailing big ship thing.

NICK: Oh neat.

JO: And it even has the mast, but instead of sails that is where my ship laser/blaster things are, and I don’t know boat… anatomy? Is it still anatomy if it’s not a person? I don’t know boat terms.

LAURA: Probably.

NICK: [laughs]

JO: But the butt/trunk of my boat pops open.

NICK: [cackles]

LAURA: Is that the aft?

JO: The aft?

NICK: Yeah.

JO: Are you sure it’s not the ass?

NICK: Yeah, it’s the ass of the ship.

LAURA: It’s the ass of the boat, yes.

JO: [laughs] Yes. Okay. So, in one of my many pockets I have what is basically a garage door opener, and I take it out and I beep it and it opens up the aft of my ship, and on the very bottom of my ship is a smaller looking ship of the same model, and this one has actual sails on it, but instead of being made out of cloth they are made out of a thin and malleable metal so that way they are perfect for windy environments such as Tatooine.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh wow, you are like, rich?

JO (as Mal): I mean, I have enough to get by.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh hell yes. I call shotgun!

LAURA: Xianna runs and jumps in.

JO (as Mal): You kinda have to be shotgun unless you know how to drive.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well no, sometimes I like to sit in the back so I can lay down.

JO (as Mal): [giggling nervously] Okay, fair enough.

JO: And I ride out! There’s kind of a little burst for takeoff as we launch out of the back, and I press the beeper as we zoom off into the sands.

NICK: Oh wow. Hey, you even have Piloting: Planetary, Jo. That’s cool.

JO: That is cool.

NICK: You have skills to drive this boat. So, I’m picturing that there’s like a long keel, that’s the part that sticks out of the bottom of the boat, that sticks into the sand a little bit so that the ship, once you catch the winds, rides on that kind of at an angle, kind of like a hydrofoil for a water boat.

JO: Okay. Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, it hovers but cuts the sand and throws off a cool wake, and we get the ship riding into the double suns of Tatooine. Does it have seats or do you have to stand holding the rails? Does it have a steering wheel? What do the mechanics of this look like?

JO: So, there are seats. There are three rows of three-by-three theater style seats leading up to the helm, and that is how you steer the ship.

NICK: Wow, that’s very cool.

JO: Yeah.

NICK: So, you take off. I think the fastest way to get to this scrapyard is – the Dune Sea is like a big, round geographic region, and the easiest way to get there will be to cut through the Dune Sea, not to go around through the rocky parts, especially with the type of ship you have, but that can be treacherous because it’s full of all sorts of bad things, and also it’s just big and sandy and if you get lost bad things can happen.

What I’m gonna need from you, Jo, is a Piloting: Planetary roll just to see how quickly you get there, if you have any issues, that kind of stuff.

JO: Sounds good. What is the difficulty on that?

NICK: We’re gonna say the difficulty is average. You’re good at this and a ship is designed for this so it’s not particularly hard.

JO: Okay, so that is two purples, correct?

NICK: Yep, but I am gonna flip a dark side point, so turn one of those into a red for me, please.

JO: Aw, that’s so mean, but now we have a light side point.

NICK: Ah yes, it’s like the mechanics encourage a give and take nature or something. [laughs]

LAURA: Like there’s a balance.

JO: Uh, no, I think that the Jedi just win.

NICK: [confused disagreeing noises and false starts]

[laughter]

NICK: You’re not wrong.

LAURA: Jedi good, everyone’s related.

JO: Yeah. Mm-hmm. I have an Agility 3 and I have Piloting: Planetary Rank 2, so I get two yellows and a green versus the purple and red. Correct?

NICK: Yep.

JO: Cool.

NICK: Absolutely.

JO: Well, your red die came up with two Xs which are bad, however one of my yellow dice came up with two successes, so that cancels each other out. The purple is blank, and then I have two successes and an advantage left over.

NICK: Wow, so you’re good at this. You pilot straight there. Like I said, it’s about an hour away. It was morning when you left. One of the suns is starting to get a little high in the sky as you approach. In the distance, nestled on the edge, you can see these big, rounded walls with bits of junk and broken speeders and a very tall crane poking up above it. You can see the walls themselves reach out into the first layer of dunes, but the back walls are nestled in the side of a cliff, and you see this scrapyard.

It doesn’t appear to have any gates or anything, at least from the angle you’re approaching. So, what do you do? You are far enough away that they probably haven’t seen you or taken note of you. The world is your oyster.

JO: They don’t have any gates… Can we see their entrance? Or it’s just walls, walls, walls for walls of walls?

NICK: It’s like one big, round wall. From the angle that you’re at you can’t see a gate or anything, but one thing you do see is a starship take off from inside the walls and fly away, so they have at least a landing pad inside, but from where you are now it doesn’t look like there’s an easy “walk in here” door.

JO: Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so do you want to actually get in there sneaky or do you want to just like, I don’t know, throw some grenades at them? What were you thinking?

JO (as Mal): I like where your head is at with the grenades, but we can probably do more damage if they don’t know that we’re there right away, so I’m gonna go with some sneaking.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

JO: That in mind, I’m going to park the ship behind a large sand dune slash hill thing for cover?

NICK: Yeah. You’re right at the border of where the dunes start so you could park it there. You could also swing out into the rocks and make your way towards the cliffs that overlook the walls. There’s plenty of cover for you to be able to kinda scout out the area without being seen. That is definitely an option.

JO (as Mal): Xianna, would you rather we park here or up by the cliff?

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh, here.

JO (as Mal): Alright then.

LAURA (as Xianna): Not by the cliff. And for no reasons that connect to anything I mentioned earlier.

JO (as Mal): Uh-huh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Just stay away from cliffs.

NICK: [laughs]

JO: [smiling] I smirk as I turn the boat and move into a sliding park.

NICK: Do you do the thing where the ship drifts in a 180 to park really abruptly?

JO: Yes.

NICK: Sweet!

LAURA (as Xianna): So cool.

NICK: Okay. You are parked behind a dune. You can’t see a ton from where you are, because you’ve broken line of sight. What is your plan? What are you going to do now?

JO (as Mal): We are not going to launch grenades… yet.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK: [laughs] A good start.

LAURA: Xianna is going to climb up to the ridge of the sand dune, pull her goggles down, and actually give the complex a good look, almost as if perceiving it, with perception.

NICK: Ohh, what an interesting idea. Go ahead and make me a Perception roll. I’ll give you, because you have your scanner goggles, you can have a blue die, but it is going to be hard because it’s not “can you see the citadel” it’s “can you see important information.”

LAURA: Okay, four successes and two advantages.

JO: Damn.

NICK: Wow, you’re good at seeing things. You are able, from where you are, we’ll say that you’re good enough at this that you’re able to actually look up towards the crane – it’s like one of those skyscraper cranes that stick straight up and then hangs over – and you’re able to look into the windshield of that and see the reflection down to get a pretty good view of what this place looks like.

Things that you see: The walls are probably 3-5 meters thick. They’re really, really big. They’re about 30 meters tall, so walls are pretty scary big. The actual interior of these are filled with giant, haphazard piles of junk ships and speeders. There is a medium building on the far side of the facility from you that looks like maybe some sort of sorting facility. There’s conveyor belts going in one side and out the other. You can also see that there’s a big space in the middle probably used for a landing pad. You see some fuel tanks, and you also see some figures stomping around outside the wall and some movement inside, but you’re a little too far away to see exactly who they are. And you already saw that ships are kinda coming in and out.

From where you are you do not see an obvious entrance, but you do notice that on the side by the cliffs the wall is shaped a little differently. There may be some way to get in over there. You also think these aren’t durasteel walls, they look kind of like adobe, like just thick rock and mud built kind of things. You could probably climb them if you had to.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie, so there may be a door on the other side. I would give it a 60/40 chance though.

JO: Mal is going to point at the crane that Xianna used to get some reflection views on.

JO (as Mal): If you’re feeling up to it we could hop on over, if you catch my drift.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think I do.

JO (as Mal): I’m saying we’ll jump onto the crane and—

LAURA (as Xianna): Jump on the crane? Oh, okay, yes. Just making sure.

JO (as Mal): No, it’s important to be on the same page, because it will be a little risky, but it does mean that they probably won’t be guarding the entrance/exit when we need to boogie.

LAURA (as Xianna): That makes sense. So yes, let’s do a perfectly safe jump onto the crane.

JO (as Mal): Perfectly safe. Yep.

JO: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): And then once we get in there, how long do you want to stay sneaky?

JO (as Mal): Preferably as long as we can. I think I’d like to see if any of those junker ships they have is worth salvaging so that way we can load it up with the goods and ride it out.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, because if we want to take any fuel out those are heavy.

JO (as Mal): Yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): And I do not want to carry any of them.

JO (as Mal): Again, if we can save a junker ship.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m sure one of them will work.

JO (as Mal): I’m hoping two.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so half plan. That’s enough.

JO (as Mal): That’s more than I sometimes go in with.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s more than what I usually do.

JO (as Mal): Oh, then we are ahead of the game!

LAURA (as Xianna): Great!

NICK: [laughing] Somewhere on the other side of the galaxy Karma gets a shiver down her spine at this. So, you are heading for the cliffs to try to do this jump. I think I am going to need a Stealth roll from you two to see if you can get over there without being detected by anything. This one will be average, because you’re far away and there’s rocks.

JO: Cool. I got two successes, everything else evened out, but I’ll take it.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: I have three successes and four advantages.

NICK: Wow… Okay.

JO: [laughing] We’re using our luck early.

NICK: We’re walking through the rocks real good. [laughs]

LAURA: Also, if it’s just Perception, Skulduggery and Stealth, Xianna is incredibly good at those and not a whole lot else.

NICK: You manage to wind your way through these rocky cliffs. You’re not on the dunes. You manage to climb your way up. You do have to scramble up some sheer cliff faces to get up on top close enough to this crane. It’s one of those tall, skinny cranes with the long wide bits, so the back part with the counterbalance actually hangs very close to this cliff, and it happens to be angled in such a way that it’s only about 2 meters, maybe a little more, from the edge of the cliff. I’m going to give you both the opportunity, with all of the advantages you have rolled with the Perception check and the Stealth check that Xianna got, first of all you’re gonna get a much clearer view of this facility as you’re standing up above it.

You see that it’s actually arranged: The ship landing pad is in the very middle and has a cleared space all around it. You can see that there are some loading droids moving piles of scrap back and forth, so they’re sorting. Things are going onto conveyor belts moving into that building in the back, and that the scrap is in sorted piles so there’s one of burned out ship hulls, there’s one of engines, there are a few junker looking ships that may or may not run scattered around. The whole thing is probably the size of an elementary school on the inside, so it’s pretty big.

You can also see that near the landing pad there is a fuel dump, so there’s a really big container containing ship fuel, you would assume, and some smaller barrels next to that. you can also see that along the walls there are search lights and some small blinking orbs that are probably cameras scattered around as well. The security, like Falx said, is a lot higher than you would have expected and that patrolling around the walls and a couple inside there are actually battle droids that are walking back and forth. Outside, in the desert heat, you do not currently see any organic life. It’s all droids and cameras and things.

With all those advantages though, add two or three details to this that you’re going to be able to take advantage of during this heist, some things that you notice before you try to infiltrate.

JO: I’m kind of tempted to say that some of the loading droids are in need of repairs, which shows that they’re being worked to – I guess it wouldn’t be the bone, but worked to the wire, and they’re mistreated so we might be able to use that to our advantage by coercing them to revolt against these terrible working conditions.

NICK: Ooh, that’s fun.

JO: Yeah. They’re people, and they deserve to be treated nicely, and they’re not being treated nicely.

NICK: Thank you. I agree. That’s a great idea. What else we got?

LAURA: I would like it if we could see a central core camera that would indicate that all the other little cameras are being fed into that one, so if that one was destroyed it would probably cut all of the camera feeds.

NICK: Okay, yeah. The cameras all are wired, because Star Wars, that’s fine, and they all connect to – Tink would call it a central server, but it’s like a big ball that looks like a small version of a Doppler radar stuck on top of the building over there. If you were able to get on top of the roof of the building you could probably interface with it directly and shut all that down.

JO: Ooh. If only we had a hacker who would be able to do that. Hmm. [giggles]

NICK: If only. I think we can add one more detail if either of you can think of something that you would like to add.

JO: Besides one of the junker ships being in obviously better condition. I would prefer to pick the rattiest, ugliest of the junker ships that looks like it’s not going to work but the interior is really good over one that looks really pretty and great.

NICK: We can spend the advantages that there are definitely some viable options inside. I think we’ll have to discover exactly what those are when we get down there, but yeah. We’ll say that you can see some of the ships haven’t been covered in dust and the view screens are clean, so you know that some of them are functional and have been used recently.

Great. We see Mal and Xianna poking their heads up over the cliff. Xianna’s got her scanner goggles focused down and Mal is nearby. Does Mal have electro-binoculars or anything like that?

JO: Mal is actually using what to us looks like a cellphone to view in what is essentially a camera function and zoom in on certain things.

NICK: Oh cool.

JO: That’s how I find my glasses when I can’t find my glasses, I use the camera function on my phone.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh, that’s such a good idea. That has never occurred to me before.

JO: [smiling] Oh, so yeah, if you ever misplace your glasses your phone will have them in focus.

NICK: Hey~! So, you observe these things and you are scouting out and pointing to things and pointing out different options, and you realize that the only thing to do now is try to actually get into the base. Like I said, the back of the crane arm is within jumping distance if a little far. It is also slightly below the lip of the cliff so you don’t have to jump up or equally. You’ll be able to fall down to it a little. What do you do?

JO: I will jump first.

NICK: Okay.

JO: I’m just gonna, not a full running jump, but I’ll go back a couple paces, brace myself, I’ll even do a jump or two and then rush in and jump and aim to do a roll onto the crane.

NICK: Okay, so that’s going to be an average Athletics check for you, but I am gonna flip another dark side point to upgrade one of those. [laughs]

JO: Uck! [laughs, wincing] Okay.

NICK: You think that’s bad, wait until we see Xianna try to do an Athletics check here in a second.

JO: Well…

LAURA: Yeah… I just, I heard you say Athletics, so…

NICK: [laughs]

JO: [laughs] Oh goodness… Okay, that’s two threats and four successes.

NICK: You have plenty of successes. I think you clear it by a wide distance. The threats are that you land and you roll and you don’t make any noise as you land, because you were successful with that, but that the crane does shake a little and the electromagnet on the far side starts to wobble and the shadow down below is moving back and forth, and a couple of droids notice. None of them look up, but they are kind of alerted to the situation and just kinda looking around. So Xianna, you are up.

LAURA: Any way I can argue for a Coordination check?

NICK: See, I knew you were gonna ask that.

LAURA: Almost as if I have many points in Coordination and none in Athletics.

JO: I was gonna say, I think I might have a way to reason this.

NICK: Okay, I’m listening.

JO: Okay, so in one of Mal’s bajillion pockets there is rope, enough rope to throw back up to Xianna so that way really all Xianna has to do is like make it to the other end of the rope, and so she could tie it to something if she wanted to tie it to something, or she could just use that to jump and hope that I’m strong enough that if she doesn’t make it I can pull her back on.

NICK: I am fine with using the rope either of these ways. If you tie the rope down and tightrope walk, that’s 100% Coordination, or you can tie a safety line and we see what happens from there. Up to you, Laura.

LAURA: Okay yeah, that would be preferable, and Xianna does go:

LAURA (as Xianna): So I did lose some toes on one of my foot the other month, uh, jumping is not great. Should have mentioned that.

JO (as Mal): Okay, well…

JO: And I pat down some of my pockets and I open one, and that isn’t the right one, and I open another and that isn’t the right one, but the third one!

NICK: [laughs]

JO: Third time’s the charm, and I have some rope with two weighted ends, and I will hold one of the weighted ends and throw the other to Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Great. This is going to work much better, because I think I might have just, I don’t know, fallen.

JO (as Mal): Well, I kinda need a partner for this job, so…

LAURA: Is there a rock or anything that it could be tied to?

NICK: Yeah, there’s rocky protrusions that look totally secure.

[sounds of heavy winds begin]

LAURA: Xianna ties it around the most secure looking rock and then also starts digging around in their pockets a little bit, goes into one of the more invisible pockets, pulls out a little baggie, and does snort it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh. I would have offered you some, but you already jumped, so… oopsies.

JO (as Mal): I’m good~ Clear head.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. Again, exactly. I am so glad we are on the exact same page.

[heavy winds fade]

NICK: So Mal, your partner that you are about to place your life in their hands just did a bunch of drugs before this. How do you feel about that situation?

JO: Different people have different definitions of clear heads.

NICK: Clearly. [laughs]

JO: And if I need somebody murdered, besides myself, Xianna would probably be my pick right now, and we might have to murder some people, so beggars can’t be choosers.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: So what would be the difficulty to then crawl down the rope? I’m trying to think of the right word, but like, sloth crawl? Yeah, like hand over hand with the feet looped up over the rope, so not tight-walking but like a sloth. [laughing] That’s the only way I can think of it.

NICK: [laughs] That would just be an average difficulty. That’s pretty straightforward.

LAURA: Okay. Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: Alright. You’re able to get across very easily. You manage to even not shake the crane any more. We get a cool zoomed in shot of Mal reaching their arm down and doing the super-cool action hero forearm grasp and helping Xianna climb up onto the crane, and we get a cool sweeping shot of you both silhouetted against the dunes in the far distance in one of those panoramic movie shots that just show off that they obviously traveled somewhere to do the onsite filming. And, you are on a crane. You are probably roughly 200 meters above the ground. Now what?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie. Thank you for helping. Do you want to just drop down, or… what now?

JO (as Mal): I was thinking we would ride the crane down and get around there, unless we can somehow get the crane over the top of the building so I can take out the cameras, but it’s gonna be a little hard to not be noticed doing that.

LAURA (as Xianna): True. Yeah, let’s just ride it all the way down. That seems fun.

JO (as Mal): I think fun will be when we get the grenades.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay, okay.

NICK: So when you say “riding the crane…”

JO: [giggles] We’re just gonna ride it like a slide?

NICK: Hmm.

JO: Or because the crane looks like a T-shape what is on the other end of the T?

NICK: On one end there’s the electromagnet that slides down, on the other end there’s a big, blocky counterweight, and that’s actually what you jumped to that was holding it over.

JO: Okay.

NICK: There is also a control cockpit up there where presumably anyone operating the crane would be, and there’s controls in there that you could potentially get into and do things with. Then there is a ladder climbing down, and the rest of it is pretty much scaffolding.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, Mal. I am assuming since we have jumped onto the crane, and no one did anything, there is no one in the little crane box, so we could go and get in it and move the crane around, but they might notice the crane moving around.

JO (as Mal): They probably will notice the crane moving around.

JO: We have exchanged contact information on the ship ride over and definitely have a means to communicate with each other if we end up separated.

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

JO: Cool.

JO (as Mal): How do you feel about dividing and conquering?

LAURA (as Xianna): Always a good plan. Nothing bad ever happens by splitting up.

JO (as Mal): Ehh, I appreciate your faith, because our choices are we can both go to the crane box and there’s a good chance that we will then have to fight out of the crane box, or one of us could go to the crane box and the other – preferably myself unless you’re good with computers – could use the crane arm to get over there…

JO: And I point to the big, wired camera dome thing on top of the building.

JO (as Mal): …and disable the cameras and then come back to you.

LAURA (as Xianna): That works.

JO (as Mal): Do you know how to drive a crane?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not, but I will try. I am sure I will figure it out.

JO (as Mal): I have complete faith in you.

LAURA (as Xianna): It will be fun! Okay, let’s go.

JO: [nervous laugh] Okay, I’m gonna get ready to ride the magnet rope over to the camera hub when Xianna’s in place.

NICK: Mal, as you are walking past the control box and Xianna is – I won’t even make Xianna roll to pick the lock to get into it, because it’s super simple – as Xianna’s getting into the cockpit, roll me a hard Computers check, would you?

JO: Me? Okay.

NICK: Yep. Something you may or may not notice as you go by.

JO: Okay, three yellows versus three purples. I’mma be a little upset if I don’t get a success.

NICK: [laughs]

JO: One success and one threat.

NICK: Nice. Okay. As you’re walking by, I think Xianna settles into this really well-worn chair and starts flipping levers and switches and things start to boot on. Xianna, you’re just touching stuff, you’re not exactly sure what you’re doing, but it looks very professional from Mal’s point of view. Mal, as you look at it, you realize that this crane is surprisingly modern, in fact it looks like it has a rudimentary droid brain in it and can do some self-controlled things. Actually, you think if you took a minute with it you might be able to control it remotely, which would mean that you could potentially both ride it as you drive it from your data pad, if that was a thing that you wanted to do.

JO: That would be a thing that I would like to do.

LAURA: That sounds good.

JO: I’m gonna start basically mid-step as I’m walking by, this kicks in, and I pause for a moment in the middle of my step and walk backwards a few paces to actually look and confirm before I knock on the door as I open it.

NICK: Right before you open the door you see that there’s a big hologram pop-up that has appeared before Xianna’s face that says Warning: Disabling all failsafes, This is extremely unsafe, and Xianna’s hitting the Yes button without reading all of these warnings going by.

JO (as Mal): [nervously and abruptly] Heyyy!

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, ‘ello.

JO (as Mal): Uh, Xi, uh… Xianna, I mean. This is actually, uh… Please don’t touch that one.

NICK: [giggles]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay, sorry.

JO (as Mal): I can control this remotely. It’s a lot more modern than anything I was expecting to find here, which is ironic.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, that’s good, because I have no idea how to operate this thing.

JO (as Mal): That’s fine. It’s complicated. If you just give me one sec.

NICK: Xianna leans over while she’s talking to you, Mal, and hits something, and the light above the cockpit just pops like a balloon. [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oopsies~

JO: I’m gonna push the button next to it to turn it off. Ahem.

NICK: [laughs]

JO (as Mal): It’s all good. No worries. No worries at all.

JO: I’m going to pull out the thing that looked like a phone that does camera work and an actual data pad and I’m going to connect them together, and then I’m going to take a wire from my data pad and I’m going to plug the micro USB into the crane.

NICK: feigning incredulity] Jo, this is Star Wars, it’s a space micro USB. [laughs]

JO: Okay, so it’s a micro USB-C! [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] You’ve never seen Anakin go ‘damn it’ and flip the cable over and over again trying to plug something in. It just doesn’t happen.

JO: Yeah, well that’s because everything has converted to using the same adapter.

NICK: Unbelievable.

JO: [laughs]

NICK: It completely ruined my immersion when they did that. it’s never gonna happen. So, roll me a hard Computers check again to establish a wireless connection, but you’re gonna have to add a black die to it because this is Star Wars and Star Wars doesn’t like wireless stuff, so you’re gonna have to jerry-rig some sort of antenna that will keep you connected to it.

JO: Sounds good. Oh, that’s a lot of threats. Okay. That is two threats and a success, but a success is a success.

NICK: Yeah! You got it. Don’t worry about those threats. I’m sure they’ll never come up.

JO: [chuckling, suspicious] Uh-huh…

NICK: Yup. But you are able to definitely get controls. We see an over-the-shoulder shot of Mal holding their data pad and a quick display pops up that has basically left, right, up, down. It’s the basic controls on a touch pad. So now you have remote access, and we see the crane shift a little as you make sure everything’s attached.

JO (as Mal): Alrighty Xianna, are you ready to cause some trouble?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes. I think I have already started causing the trouble.

JO (as Mal): Well, that was fixable trouble. I’m pretty sure the job was to cause some unfixable trouble.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! I saved my grenades.

JO (as Mal): [laughs] I’m looking forward to it.

JO: I’m going to get out and start making my way on over to the magnet part.

NICK: As the two of you leave the cockpit and work your way down, the wind is blowing pretty hard, you have to move kinda slowly to make sure you keep your balance, but the camera stays behind for just a second on a blinking yellow light that looks kind of urgent inside the crane. But besides that, everything’s good. You’re able to work your way to the end and grab onto the control cable. We’ll say since you have control of it that the electromagnet’s up enough that you can actually very easily climb down and stand on it. What are you gonna do?

JO: I’m gonna swing it as quickly as I can to be over the dome. I’m going to tell the crane to swing as quickly as it can while it drops the magnet and heads in the direction of the camera, because I basically want to do it as quickly as possible. As it’s going down I look to Xianna and I say:

JO (as Mal): You’re probably gonna have to jump.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): [stressed] Ohh, I’m not good at the jumping.

JO (as Mal): Well, you can hold on and stay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, I will jump.

NICK: Okay, so are you doing like a drive-by with the crane and jumping off?

JO: [smiling] Yep!

NICK: Oh gosh. Okay!

JO: [laughs] Go big or go home, Nick!

NICK: Hey, I’m for it. You’re making my life easier. Go ahead and both of you roll me, I will take Athletics or Coordination this time, to jump off at the right time. The reason I was dead-set on Athletics before was because it was like a standing long jump which is very much just a straight thing…

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: …but falling can be a Coordination thing for sure.

LAURA: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average.

LAURA: Okay.

JO: Okay.

NICK: We’ll say you’re not moving fast enough that it’s a life risk, probably.

JO: Success! And a threat. God damn it.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: I got one success and three advantages.

JO: Oh good, you could counteract some of the threats I’ve collected.

LAURA: Heh.

NICK: There have been a lot, haven’t there?

JO: I’ve gotten so many threats!

NICK: So, you jump off of the crane, you are able to land… With a success and a threat, Mal, you land but not super gracefully, and you roll to take some of the impact off, and the roof of this building is slightly slanted, and you end up rolling all the way to the edge of the roof and just barely catching yourself, and one of your legs is hanging over the side. It’s not like you’re at risk of falling off, but it was super-duper close.

JO: Mm-hmm.

NICK: And some dust and rocks and things tumble off of the roof and land on the ground, but it doesn’t look like there’s anyone nearby. Xianna, you do whatever the opposite of falling prone is. You land very stably.

LAURA: Three-point superhero pose.

JO: Yeah.

NICK: Well, so you’re moving fast enough, you do the superhero pose but like the anime where you slide with the inertia a little bit and it kicks up a cool, really low dust plume.

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: Yeah.

JO: I’mma pick myself up off the roof and climb on up to the dome.

NICK: Cool. So you’re at this server ball, essentially, and you can see from where you’re at, you’re pretty much out of sight, this building’s wide enough that it covers sight lines from the ground, but you can hear that there’s starting to be activity on the ground. You can hear some droids speaking to each other in binary, just like beeping and clicking as they’re moving around, and it seems like more activity than when you first started observing. You can see that the cameras along the walls are starting to pan back and forth. None of them are pointed at you, but you’re definitely on a bit of a time limit here. Are you trying to hack into the server and turn them off?

JO: Normally I would ‘yes and’ you, but I’m very tempted to just break it with my scythe.

NICK: Hey, do it, I’m down for that.

JO: Okay. I’m going to grab the small bit of hilt on my scythe in order to pull it out of its sheathe, and with a quick flip the entire handle of the scythe comes out, and I’m just gonna give it a nice, big chop.

NICK: Alright. It’s an immobile, large target and this is a vibro-scythe which means it gets this slight blue haze around it. This isn’t combat, but to see how effective you are at slicing this into one piece I want an attack roll anyway. Make me a Melee check that’s just average.

JO: Okay. Ha-ho! Only one threat! [laughs]

NICK & LAURA: Nice!

JO: But I got successes, I got three successes.

NICK: Okay, so you just anime slice through this thing and bisect it diagonally and there’s a long pause and then it slides almost silently to the ground. There is no sound of grinding metal because you’ve cut it so smoothly. This scythe, Xianna is really scary and you’ve never seen anything like it. The only thing you’ve seen do that kind of damage is Tink’s vibro-axe, but this is so much cleaner, a more elegant weapon from a civilized age. But then as the ball is sliding it slams to the ground with a heavy thud and you can hear the droids down on the ground start to increase in frequency and on the far side you can see them start to fan out and look for stuff. But all the camera lights go out.

JO: Cool. Well, I guess it was about time for the threats to start catching up with me. I was so distracted by the threats that I forgot that I had successes on that roll. I’m gonna look to Xianna.

JO (as Mal): Well, time’s a-tickin’. Where do you wanna hit first?

NICK: End of episode.

## Outro

NICK: Thanks so much for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does an adorable dance. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Mal is played by Jo Welsh-Wilson. You can find them at @Fallin_Forone on Twitter and on their podcast, Arms of the Tide, at @ArmsoftheTide on Twitter, where they play a flammable plant wolf with depression.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Our game master is me, Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 52 Hectic Skirmish of Fates

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 52:
Hectic Skirmish of Fates

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

{Transcriber’s Note: During the recording of this episode only the four cast members were present. Nick spoke dialogue for the prior special guest characters who later recorded their versions of the lines for post-production, so they are tagged as speaking in the text.}

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Well everyone, we made it, the Season 1 finale. Thanks for coming along for the ride. It means the galaxy to the whole crew.

On that note, I want to thank our newest patron. Cameron Boydston, thank you so much for your support. We seem to have lost track of quite a few expensive pieces of machinery in the last few weeks. It normally wouldn’t be a big deal, but the crew rented them, so if you could track those down and return them before we start getting hit with late fees I’d appreciate it.

This episode is the season finale, but don’t worry. We have big plans with special guests, different game systems, and fun side plots to keep the party going until the beginning of Season 2. Thank you again for listening, and stay safe out there, the galaxy is a big place.

Music this week is GIGA METAL by Loyalty Freak Music, Clair De Lune performed by Podington Bear, 8-bit Core by Manuel Senfft, and The Warbird by Tri-Tachyon.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 52 of Tabletop Squadron! Moving right along, coming in towards that big old finale, just doing great. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table, everybody say who they are and who they’re playing today, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great! Up next we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink. What do you think? I play a Gigoran slicer… something about sinks.

[laughter]

NICK: Great! Following that, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: I feel like you can’t follow that. That’s not fair. I’m Cameron and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: What words rhyme with Cameron?

CAMERON: Uh, bo-bameron? There really aren’t many.

NICK: [laughs] I’m glad you said bo-bameron. That’s the one I use.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yeah.

NICK: Oh boy. Okay. So, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: One light side.

CAMERON: Yay, Laura.

NICK: So, where did we leave off? Things that the crew has been up to lately… Oh, they’re launching an assault on a large shipyard. They have taken down some stormtroopers. They are attempting to draw the Empire’s attention so that the star destroyer screen surrounding this large and mysterious space station capable of destroying planets has to go and protect the shipyard clearing the way for the Rebels. They threw some grenades… They got shot quite a bit. They killed some security guards, and they were able to slice into a system to help Beta Squad get away from some stormtroopers and continue on towards their job. So, we open on the Alpha Team standing in this small, dusty corridor that is filled with power converters and various things, and Tink, you just somehow transferred wireless access to the slicer on Beta Squad so that they were able to get the door open themselves even though they were pinned down. Good job there. The last thing you heard was one of the members of Beta Squad saying:

ELI (as Juke): Thanks Alpha Team!

NICK: And then they closed the channel. Around this time HK leans against a wall with a hollow clank and slides to the floor, and you can see some hydraulic fluid leaking out of their chest and there’s sparks everywhere.

NICK (as HK): Damage Assessment: I’m super kriffed up right now.

NICK: You can see they’ve taken some pretty serious damage.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wow! Hank, you look terrible.

NICK (as HK): Sarcastic Assessment: Blasters are not designed to promote the health of their targets.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not doing great either.

LAURA (as Xianna): Do you need a stim pack?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

LAURA: Xianna throws Tink a stim pack.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. I’ll do a stim pack with one hand and I can fix HK with the other.

CAMERON (as Karma): No—

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait. Just- Just give yourself a stim pack and then fix Hank.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw, I thought it would be cooler the other way, but okay.

NICK: So, you use a stim pack on yourself.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: That’s 5 health back, which might do you some good. HK has slid down the wall to the point where his body is on the floor and his head is being propped up by the wall.

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, we’re all very happy that the organics are feeling better. I’m so glad that that’s the priority. I can feel my servos melting. A little help here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey, hey, do you want the mechanic who’s gonna work on you bleeding out on you while he’s trying to fix you?

NICK (as HK): He can bleed out after I’m fixed.

CAMERON (as Karma): See? Exactly. That’s why we gave him a stim pack, to hold him off on the bleeding a little bit.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have to imagine it is not good to have all that blood inside your circuitry, because of rust and things… Blood has iron and iron is in rust, so that makes sense.

NICK (as HK): Actually, if I got a lot of organic blood do you think I’d be able to use the Force? Hey Tink, come here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa, um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh!

LAURA (as Xianna): Is that how the Force works? Is it the blood?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do think it would depend on the blood of the individual that you were using.

LAURA (as Xianna): But no, is that how the Force works?

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s some shit with midi-chlorians which is in your blood.

LAURA (as Xianna): What? No! That’s the powerhouse of the cell!

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): No, that’s the mitochondria~

NICK (as HK): Those don’t exist in Star Wars.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, sorry. [laughs] The midi-chlorians are the powerhouse of the cell.

HUDSON (as Tink): So what you’re wanting is a blood transfusion of a Jedi into your metal body. Is that right?

NICK (as HK): You know, now that I think about it, it’s really hard to tell when someone’s Force-sensitive just by looking, so I think I’ll just need to collect a whole lot of organic blood and just keep trying until I can use the Force.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is a bad idea.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait. I thought the Force was like some mystical power in the universe. Are you telling me it is bacteria?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Kind of a combination of both, weirdly.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait! Wait!

CAMERON (as Karma): It depends. Which Jedi sources are you reading?

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m not reading any!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

CAMERON: Karma throws a repair kit at Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey, can you help Hank?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re still talking about the blood transfusions.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but there’s a hole in HK right now.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know what blood type I am. I really should, but I don’t!

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh.

LAURA (as Xianna): You would think I of all of us would know that, but apparently I really don’t. I don’t know how.

HUDSON: I start fixing HK.

NICK (as HK): Your blood type is the Aurebesh symbol that looks kind of like a squiggly slice of pizza, negative.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): So, HK, I’ll say this. I promise, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye, promise…

NICK (as HK): Sticking needle in your eye—

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No-no-no! It’s a promise that if Sentinel for some reason passes away I will transfuse Sentinel’s blood into your body.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Oh…

NICK (as HK): Verbal statements are binding contracts.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know it.

NICK (as HK): After this I’m going to go kill Sentinel.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): I—

CAMERON (as Karma): No… you’re not.

NICK (as HK): Is this, like, a command or something…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): Damn.

[laughter

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, fix Hank.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve been fixing HK.

NICK (as HK): I don’t think that bolt goes there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ehh.

NICK (as HK): No- That- I don’t- What? Ahh. Everything’s green. Everything’s- You turned off my eye sockets. Everything is green.

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. This is a fixer-upper job is what I call it. I just put things where I think they need to go and they’ll go there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, you’re a mechanic!

NICK (as HK): That’s illegal in 12 systems.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, ugh… Just, you know.

NICK: Okay. Is it the quick patch kit or the mechanical kit?

CAMERON: I have the droid repair kits.

NICK: I think those just work like stim packs, don’t they?

CAMERON: I believe so?

HUDSON: I beat my fist onto HK to get a bolt in exactly how I want it.

NICK: How many of the droid repair kits do you use?

HUDSON: I use two, but I have to roll for Mechanics, right?

NICK: No, that’s if you were healing a crit wound. If you’re using them like stim packs, then hey, he’s doing much better. Tink works away on HK and gets him mostly sealed up. It’s like a temporary patch, so the metal’s a little flexible and doesn’t match, but HK’s able to get up off the ground. He moves his feet so that his heels are under his hips and then just stands up with no recoil or pushing and it looks really weird and unnatural.

NICK (as HK): Alright, let’s go. We’re trying to destroy stuff, right? That’s why we’re here? Let’s do this.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, I think that’s what we’re here for.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, we are trying to destroy the plans for that big old star destroyer out there.

NICK (as HK): I’m glad you were focused. I was just thinking about killing Sentinel and taking his blood.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we’re not gonna do that, remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): Only if he dies.

LAURA (as Xianna): You also don’t even have to kill him. You can just get him high, have him pass out, and then steal his blood that way.

CAMERON (as Karma): [heavy sigh] Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): People will pay you for blood!

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna! No!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I’ve never taken somebody else’s blood, but I have, you know, donated blood for money.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is different than stealing an unconscious person’s blood, though. Going to a facility and donating is different.

LAURA (as Xianna): They’ll like… make more, assuming you only take the amount that—

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. We need to move out. Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, where was the server room again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, uh, over there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Let’s head that direction.

NICK: You head down this maintenance corridor and come to a door. Tink punches the button and you’re back out into the main walkway. Question for you, Alpha Team. Are you proceeding as quickly as possible or stealthily?

CAMERON: I don’t think we’re being stealthy.

HUDSON: Yeah, I think we’re quickly as possible.

NICK: Okay. You’re just running down this corridor, right?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Roll me a Force die, somebody.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Cool! No alarms go off. You don’t even see anybody. You’re able to just run through a whole big stretch of encounter—I mean, empty hallways that don’t affect you in any way.

CAMERON: [laughs] Weird.

HUDSON: That saved us a lot of time, didn’t it?

NICK: Maybe.

[laughter]

NICK: You do run into a couple of stormtroopers as you go, but you’re able to either just hit them with an axe or fire from the hip, just take them down and keep moving as you hustle down this hallway. As you continue, you come to a very, very big open chasm, as Star Wars tends to have. It’s like a big canyon, you can’t see the bottom, you can barely see the roof in the darkness. What do you do and how are you going to get across here? Tink, you are sure that it’s on the other side of this thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Definitely on the other side of this thing.

CAMERON: Are there any catwalks or anything across this chasm?

NICK: It looks like there may be a catwalk on the far side, but it’s not extended.

CAMERON: Oh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I do not have any rope with me, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Can we jump it?

NICK (as HK): Tink, that appears to be about 50 meters.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is too far to jump.

NICK (as HK): No wait, time out, time out. Tink, can you jump 50 meters?

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve never tried.

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink, no.

NICK (as HK): Tink, try to jump the chasm.

LAURA (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Please don’t try it, Tink. No…

NICK (as HK): [chanting] Jump it. Jump it.

HUDSON: Is that HK?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): HK…

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I don’t think I’ll jump. It’s a little risky, and I have much more to do in life.

LAURA: Is there a button to make a bridge shoot out?

NICK: Not that you can see on this side. HK reaches his tiny hand out and flips the little thing that’s attached to Tink’s belt and the theme music starts to play again.

HUDSON: [hums a fast-paced tune]

[heavy techno music starts]

NICK: HK’s just nodding at Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, it’s not nice to peer pressure our friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): This gets me excited. Okay, I have a better idea.

HUDSON: I flip off the music.

[music stops abruptly]

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Beta Squad, come in.

NICK: At this point, from seemingly nowhere as you are looking at this chasm, a large, red blaster bolt pierces the air. Everyone roll me a Force die, please.

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Okay. You two were tied. If you could roll off for me.

LAURA: We have a chance cube.

NICK: Yeah, let’s roll a chance cube! “Red, the boy, blue, his mother.”

[laughter]

LAURA: Blue is Karma, because blue is closer to green, and red would be Xianna, because that’s closer to purple.

CAMERON: That makes sense.

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: It’s red, Xianna.

NICK: Alright. Xianna, make me a Coordination check as a large blaster bolt flies towards your face from across the chasm.

LAURA: Oh, I have Coordination! Okay.

NICK: Yeah. You should be pretty good at it.

CAMERON: And you are agile as all get-out.

NICK: And you have the Stalker talent too which will help.

LAURA: Okay, what’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. I was going to do daunting, but I don’t want Xianna to die here.

CAMERON: I have faith. I think Laura’s got this.

LAURA: Okay. I have a triumph with a success, three more successes, and two threats. Heh.

NICK: How do you dodge out of the way? You probably get an indication of someone on the far side in the shadows before they shoot. How do you dodge this so that you don’t take a sniper shot to the chest?

LAURA: Xianna still has her scanner goggles on, they’re just turned off, but it does create a little bit of a lens flare so she can see that someone has turned on their scope in the distance and gets a little glint of that and just straight drops to the ground and rolls away.

[laughter]

CAMERON: And we’re all standing there like what?

NICK: And then a blaster bolt goes (heavy burst firing noise).

CAMERON: “Oh!”

LAURA: Everyone’s just arguing and then suddenly Xianna’s just like (quick movement noise).

NICK: The blaster smashes into the wall and leaves a pretty large smoking dent.

LAURA (as Xianna): Someone is shooting at us.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

NICK: Roll me a Perception check if you wanna see if you can find where this sniper is.

LAURA: Okie.

CAMERON: What difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard.

LAURA: I got two successes and an advantage.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: A success and two threats.

NICK: Okay. Tink, are you just busy being like “oh gosh, a sniper”?

HUDSON: Yeah no, because I’m trying to get in touch with Beta Squad.

NICK: Okay, so you’re saying “Beta Squad, come in.” You see a huge-looking Anselmi woman, which are kind of like bluish lizard-looking aliens from Glee Anselm, the same planet as the Nautolans, and you can see that she’s wearing a black headband, but as you make eye contact with her across this large chasm she puts her gun up and backs away back into the shadows and disappears. Tink, you hear:

NICK (as Neato): Ring-a-ling, you’ve got Beta Squad.

HUDSON (as Tink): Beta Squad, this is white walker and the kids table!

CAMERON: [coughs, laughing] What?!

LAURA (as Xianna): That is not our codename!

NICK (as Neato): White walker and the kids table, I read you loud and clear.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so we need some help here. We’re at a chasm, and I don’t mean that in an emotion, deep inside ourselves way where we’re reflecting. What I mean is we are at a chasm that’s a literal chasm.

AUSTIN (as Val): Tink, quit talking about your feelings, we got stuff to do.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no-no, really. I mean like there’s a real chasm, and there’s a bridge but it’s not extended, and uh… I gave you all wireless access. Can you see if you can extend this bridge? Here’s my coordinates.

NICK: You hear a voice that you don’t recognize.

CHRIS (as Jet): Oh, actually yeah, I do have access.

AUSTIN (as Val): Too much time thinking, not enough time moving. Let’s go! Get out of the way!

CHRIS (as Jet): No look, all I have to do is enter this one code. It’s just a couple of digits.

AUSTIN (as Val): Nope. Too late.

NICK: And there’s a giant explosion, and in the ceiling of the room you see cracks form and this huge piece of durasteel falls out of the ceiling, and the whole station is shaking, and you can see fire above you, and it slams into this chasm and grinds to a halt and makes an impromptu bridge. You can hear fire crackling and alarms start to go off, and there’s this moment of stunned silence over the coms and with you. After a long minute the coms crackle back to life.

AUSTIN (as Val): Man, these Imperial engineers really need to work on their design. That fuel line connects to the entire station?! Wow. Well, you know, I guess that takes care of the problem. Alpha Team, how’d that work for you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, thanks for the bridge, Val.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah sure… alright.

AUSTIN (as Val): Let’s race!

NICK: Then there’s a long pause and you can hear other people.

CHRIS (as Jet): Wait, Val!

ELI (as Juke): Wait-wait-wait!

AUSTIN (as Val): Say my name~!

[laughter]

NICK: There’s another explosion and then the channel turns off. You continue down the hallway for a while. At this point emergency crews are starting to run around. There’s a lot of chaos. There’s a mixture of security and Imperials, so you don’t get a ton of direct looks. There is probably a point where a group of stormtroopers makes eye contact with the three of you, and the three of you are like streak-smoked and battle damaged and really intimidating looking, and they just go…

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Nope!

NICK: …and they turn around and they go a different direction to not run into you. As you continue this way the coms turn on again. Over the coms you hear:

ELI (as Juke): Jet, we’ve gotta get there faster, brother! Can’t you find us a quicker route?!

CHRIS (as Jet): Juke, we’re going in a straight line, like, a straight line. It doesn’t go any faster than that. What do we do, left turn four times and then skip a thousand meters? Focus on punching.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma. Karma! Don’t you have kids that are named Jet and Juke?

CAMERON: [laughs]

ELI (as Juke): I AM focused on punching. Did you see that stormtrooper? I shattered his helmet! Those helmets are designed to deflect blasters. I have blaster fists!

AUSTIN (as Val): Blaster fists? Oh hey, me too! Watch this!

NICK: And there’s another explosion and you feel the station shake beneath your feet.

CAMERON: [laughs] Everyone’s been traveling down this hallway, this conversation starts, people keep walking but Karma just stops in the middle of the hallway. Xianna starts asking “hey, Karma, don’t you have kids named Jet and Juke?” and turns and Karma is no longer there. Karma is just back behind in the hallway just standing there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma is dead.

NICK & CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw man~!

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t really think so, I think she is just shocked or stunned or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a relief.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma~ We have to keep going. Val is going to blow this whole place up and you will get smooshed.

CAMERON: Karma’s just kinda staring down at the ground. When Xianna calls out to her she looks up.

LAURA (as Xianna): If you are in shock I think I can somehow get impact into a stim pack and then shoot you up that way and it would be like an adrenaline rush, like an epi-pen.

CAMERON: Karma looks up…

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m fine.

CAMERON: …and flips her blaster to kill, and takes off down the hallway after the rest of the group.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, well I’m just going to do the regular impact then.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Do you not say anything over the coms to them?

CAMERON: Nope!

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I haven’t reached that level of being able to converse yet.

NICK: Okay. You continue onward as Xianna is running down the hallway, reaching into a pocket and running down the hallway and trying to snort impact and run at the same time. [laughs] As you continue, you find yourself in front of a large locked door, and it just has to lead to the master server room. Tink, everyone uses this door. It keeps oxygen out in case of fires. It’s double-encrypted. Everybody likes to use this door for server rooms.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, everyone loves to use this door for server rooms.

NICK: And then, as you finish looking down this very large door, you see the Anselmi from earlier. Like I said before, she is very large, she has a scar you notice coming down from one eye and down to the edge of her jaw, and it looks like the Kylo Ren scar that’s been stitched up with carbon, and her frills are held back by a black headband, and you can see that there’s a charm hanging from it that has the Imperial symbol. The other thing you see is that one of her arms is held together with an external power skeleton, so it’s like it had been broken or messed up in some sort of accident and they did this to fuse it back together, but the thinking must have been as long as we’re doing that let’s put some horsepower on this thing. You can see a lot of moving pistons and things whenever she moves that arm. She looks at the four of you.

NICK (as Anselmi): I keep running into Nautolans lately. Let’s see if I can hurt you even worse than I did the last ones I met.

NICK: She shoves one hand down and activates what looks like a shock fist and in the other hand she’s holding a blaster carbine.

NICK (as Anselmi): You’re not gonna get past me.

NICK: I need you all to roll for Vigilance.

CAMERON: Karma has a success and two advantages.

LAURA: Three advantages.

NICK: [chuckling] You’ve had a lot of trouble with initiative rolls today.

HUDSON: A triumph and an advantage.

CAMERON: HK has a success and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. For her, roll two yellow and two green.

CAMERON: One success, four advantages.

NICK: And do that again for me.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. Cool! She says…

NICK (as Anselmi): You’re not gonna get past me!

NICK: …and then just charges at you, the whole group.

LAURA: Ahh!

[laughter]

NICK: As she’s running she holds her fist up by her ear and then shoots at Tink, immediately. That’s gonna be two green and two yellow from close range.

CAMERON: Five successes, two advantages?

NICK: She’s very good at this. That’s 13 damage and a crit coming at Tink.

HUDSON: Okay, so I have 3 health left.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Do you wanna roll it, Hudson?

HUDSON: Yeah, sure.

NICK: Don’t let Cameron roll the crits. That always goes really bad.

CAMERON: [laughing] Don’t let me roll the crit. I’ll roll a really high number.

HUDSON: … 98.

NICK & CAMERON: Oh no!

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: 98 is the one that we have renamed Harmed: One limb is impaired until healed/replaced. Plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: So… where do you wanna get shot?

HUDSON: Probably the same leg, so left leg.

NICK: The left leg. We’ll say that’s the one you got shot in earlier that has the stim packs.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: As this Anselmi is running at you, she’s firing from the shoulder with one arm. It looks kind of like the battle rifle from Halo. She’s shooting you exactly where you got shot before, three to four times, just pinpoint accuracy, just blam, blam-blam-blam, and your leg just completely goes out from under you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh, this hurts in a familiar way~!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh boy… That was not good.

CAMERON: [long exhale]

NICK: A PC slot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Avenge me!

CAMERON (as Karma): I will, sweetie, don’t worry.

NICK (as HK): Can I have your blood?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t have the Force~

NICK (as HK): I could find some use for it.

CAMERON: If she’s close range with Tink she’s close range with me as well, right?

NICK: Mm-hmm. She is close range with you, yes.

CAMERON: I’m gonna aim.

LAURA (as Xianna): You can only have the blood that already falls out of him.

NICK (as HK): I don’t have a mop. I’ll be back. I’m going to go find a mop.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, no!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): HK, wait! Hold on, I have some empty little baggies. You can hold that up to him. Heh.

CAMERON: [smiling] I’m going to aim!

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait! Tink is a squeegee! It will just collect in his fur. Don’t worry, Hank!

[laughter]

NICK: [delighted, disbelieving groan]

CAMERON: Oh goodness… [rolls]

LAURA: Nice!

CAMERON: Shit! Two successes, five advantages, two triumphs, so that is 15 damage.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Base, and then I’mma roll a crit on her and add 30 to it? Because I have 2 ranks of Lethal Blows, so those are each 10, and then I had another crit so that’s another 10. Yes?

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: 99 + 30…

NICK: Holy crap.

[laughter]

LAURA: So, 139.

NICK: I think that actually does kill her.

LAURA: 139: Ooh, so close. Bleeding Out: Suffer 1 wound and 1 strain per turn until injury is healed. Suffer one critical injury per 5 wounds beyond wound threshold.

CAMERON: Dang.

NICK: She turns and she’s running towards Tink and she turns her back to Karma, and karma just shoots her in the kidney, and it blows out the front of her armor and a mist of greenish blood spatters over Tink as he is down on one knee trying to hold his other knee in one piece. She stops and starts to jolt a little and stands up, and you can see a trickle of blood coming out of the corner of her mouth. She looks at Karma.

NICK (as Anselmi): Nice. Okay, let’s do this.

NICK: And starts walking. It looks cocky, but it also looks like she can’t really run anymore after that shot, and she comes forward and she’s going to try to punch Karma, because it’s her turn. That is also two greens and two yellows and it’s average difficulty. You don’t have Defense because you don’t have your sword out.

CAMERON: I would like to Dodge.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. She hits you, so it’s 8 damage coming at you. It is Pierce 1.

CAMERON: Okay, so I take [mumbles] 4 damage.

NICK: She clocks you, just straight in the jaw, and you feel the shot go through you. it’s not a full “you can see Karma’s skeleton,” but there’s a brief splash of “this went through her.” It was not comfortable. Karma, what do you do after getting punched in the face?

CAMERON: I think I’ve gone into silent mode. I’m processing a lot of stuff right now. I just look up and make direct eye contact.

NICK: She grins, and you can see her teeth are stained with her own blood, but this is her element.

CAMERON: I look down at her kidney and I grin. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] And we are to another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna pulls her gun out but then is quickly looking at Hank and Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, should I… This seems like this might be a one-on-one personal thing, or should I just shoot the other one?

HUDSON (as Tink): Kill it with fire!

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t have fire, but okay!

LAURA: She goes and shoots.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Did someone say fire?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes~!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as HK): Stand by.

LAURA: She’s gonna aim. What range is it?

NICK: You’re close range.

LAURA: Close range? Okay.

NICK: Yeah. This is a cool gun kata fight where everybody is very close together.

LAURA: Four successes, so that’s 10 damage.

NICK: Phew, solid. So, where do you shoot this Anselmi? Anything specific? Center of mass?

LAURA: Center of mass.

NICK: Yeah. You hit her right square in the middle of the back and she grunts and leans forward a little. It doesn’t look like it completely pierced her armor, like her armor absorbed a lot of it, but it hurt her. She turns around and she points towards you.

NICK (as Anselmi): You’re next.

LAURA (as Xianna): No thank you~!

NICK (as Anselmi): Well, you shot me, so…

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, I know, but I am just saying no thank you.

NICK: [grinning] And it’s another PC slot.

HUDSON: Ugh… I, I attack. [laughs]

NICK: Okay. You get up and limp towards her?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: And I swing my axe, which this is the first time I’ve swung my axe…

[laughter]

NICK: It’s been a while.

HUDSON: It’s been a while. … One success, one advantage.

NICK: Nice. How much damage is that?

HUDSON: Six.

NICK: Six? And it’s Pierce 2, right?

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: You can crit.

HUDSON: Yeah, I will crit. What do I add?

NICK: Forty.

CAMERON: Plus 10, because she already has a crit, so 55.

NICK: Yeah, so 50…

HUDSON: Okay, so 50… so 55.

NICK: Wow!

HUDSON: Man, if it was 90 again, it would be just dead.

NICK: Yeah, just dead.

LAURA: 55 is Fearsome Wound: Plus difficulty to Presence: Willpower checks until end of encounter.

NICK: Cool, so her Force powers will be—She doesn’t have Force powers.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Like what? HK can have her blood.

NICK: How do you slice her?

HUDSON: I get up and I swing it in an odd way, like in the shape of a circle but with my arm outstretched to just kinda throw her off.

NICK: [chuckling] yeah, she’s not expecting that.

HUDSON: I’m frowning because I’m bleeding out, and I hit her across the chest.

NICK: The armor catches it, but you do pierce through, and you feel it catch in her flesh and she pulls back away from it and says…

NICK (as Anselmi): Wow, this fight is going a little bit differently than last time.

NICK: …and assumes a fighting stance, and HK assumes a fighting stance and starts to walk forward and says…

NICK (as HK): I’m gonna punch the kriff out of you.

NICK: …and goes to punch her.

CAMERON: Why?! [laughs]

NICK: Because he’s excited.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: So that’s… Does he even have anything in Brawl? No. That’s two greens versus two red.

NICK & CAMERON: hey!

CAMERON: Okay, one success, two threats.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: He did it~

NICK: The threat is going to be that he’s going to be in the way of whoever tries to attack her next, so they’ll have a black die trying to work around HK, but he manages to clock her right in the face with his little robot hand and does 3 damage. [laughs]

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Which doesn’t even get past her Soak, but it makes him happy. He hits her and her head snaps around.

NICK (as Anselmi): What are you doing?

NICK (as HK): I’m showing you how to fight.

NICK: We’ll go back to the top of the order, and it’s her turn. She looks down at HK.

NICK (as Anselmi): You’re second, first her.

NICK: And without looking she shoots at Xianna with the rifle that was still aimed at her.

LAURA: Oh no.

NICK: Two yellows and two greens. It’s close range so one purple.

CAMERON: But it’s plus a black die because of Xianna’s Ranged Defense.

NICK: Yep, that’s true.

LAURA: I’m also gonna Dodge.

NICK: Smart.

LAURA: How many dodges do I have?

NICK: [laughs] You can burn a strain to—

LAURA: I can burn 1, yeah.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, it’s four successes, a threat, and a despair.

NICK: Four successes is 12 damage that she shoots Xianna with. You still up, Xianna?

LAURA: [snorts] Yeah~

[laughter]

NICK: How much health you got left?

LAURA: Three.

NICK: Okay. She shoots Xianna and Xianna stumbles back towards the entrance that you came in through, and she goes to shoot her again. She’s trying to do the same thing she did to Tink where she shot in the exact same place multiple times and it just really pierces through armor and things. The gun clicks, and the gun fizzes and just kinda dies. You can actually see when you look closer that this gun looks like it was dropped from a great height at some point. The frame is cracked in a few places and the power cell isn’t attached quite the way you would normally expect. The lights go out on it and it’s totally out. She growls in frustration and throws the gun on the ground and activates another shock fist.

LAURA (as Xianna): Haha! Fuck you~!

NICK: There’s just this big old bleeding wound in Xianna’s chest. Impact’s great.

LAURA (as Xianna): I barely feel this!

[laughter]

NICK: It’s another PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like to take out my vibro-sword and stab her.

NICK: Okay. You have your rifle on a strap in front of you, right? You just drop it. It’s a maneuver to draw.

CAMERON: I have Quickdraw.

NICK: So it’s not a maneuver to draw.

CAMERON: So it’s not a maneuver to draw.

NICK: Oh, that’s cool.

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: You keep it on your back, right?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay, so describe this as you approach and attack.

CAMERON: So, she drops her gun and powers up [inaudible mumbling] so I toss my gun, it’s like on a sling thing so I just toss it down to my side, and then the camera starts at Karma’s feet from behind her and pans up as she slowly walks the few feet – because she’s not very far, everybody’s in close – moves up into engaged range and draws the vibro-sword out of her back sheathe.

CAMERON (as Karma): You made a mistake today.

CAMERON: And is gonna stab her.

NICK: Alright. Roll me that attack.

CAMERON: So, there’s a black die because Hank’s in the way. There’s a blue die because my vibro-sword is accurate. Then, it’s two reds?

NICK: Yup. At this point, you say that and she starts to turn around and HK slaps her face.

NICK (as HK): Pay attention to me, the melee combatant.

CAMERON: I hope this works. Three advantages and a triumph.

NICK: No success?

CAMERON: No. I don’t hit her body, but my sword comes down and hits on her exoskeleton pieces of her arm and the arm just… goes dead.

NICK: Yeah, you cut the power on it so that one’s totally out of commission now. She flinches with the pain of the weight returning to her broken arm. She says…

NICK (as Anselmi): That’s not very sporting.

NICK: …and has her other shock glove still up in a guard position.

CAMERON: I would like to gift some blue dice.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Gift a black die to her and gift a blue die to whoever goes next.

NICK: Okay. it is her turn again. I think she’s gonna try and punch Karma at this point. I don’t think she can ignore Karma after that.

CAMERON: That seems fair.

NICK: I will say, her emotional state, she still feels really satisfied having shot Xianna. [laughs]

CAMERON: That’s just rude.

NICK: It’s not polite. She’s a bad guy. She turns around and she just wheels with a big haymaker towards Karma. I’m gonna flip a dark side point to upgrade her attack. She’s putting everything into this. She knows that there’s not much time left.

CAMERON: I would like to Dodge.

NICK: Smart.

CAMERON: Turn those two purples into two reds. … One success, two advantages.

NICK: Okay, so that’s 8 damage, Pierce 1, coming at you again. We get some fight choreography here of Karma warding her away with the vibro-sword and her dodging back and forth. She manages to get up inside Karma’s guard and plant an uppercut under her chin. It hurts. Your ears are ringing pretty hard, or whatever Nautolans have. She skips away.

NICK (as Anselmi): Come on!

NICK: it’s another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna shoots her.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

LAURA: She’s gonna aim.

NICK: Smart.

LAURA: What was that, one purple, one red?

NICK: Yep.

LAURA: I’m gonna take the blue die. One failure and two advantages.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: A lot of blank dice in there.

NICK: Aw, that stinks. I think that she’s facing with Karma and you’re trying to shoot without putting Karma at risk, and it just forces you to shoot wide too many times so you aren’t able to, but it adds cool laser strobes to the fight scene that’s going on.

LAURA: Nice.

CAMERON: Gift another blue die?

LAURA: And then another blue die.

CAMERON: Pay the blue die forward.

NICK: Yeah. For whoever goes next, that’s two blue dice, and I think that’s because you’ve kind of corralled her in so she can’t be as mobile as she would want to be because there’s bullets everywhere. We got another PC slot. Tink, you wanna go?

HUDSON: Yeah, slice her.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Difficulty?

NICK: Two reds.

HUDSON: I do have my two blue.

CAMERON: Oh dear.

HUDSON: A triumph with an additional three successes, four advantages, and a despair. [laughs]

LAURA: What was the crit on your axe?

HUDSON & CAMERON: One.

LAURA: Yeah!

NICK: Wait. How many advantages?

HUDSON: Four.

NICK: If you have Crit 1 then you could do plus 30, plus the 20 for the two crits, plus Vicious 4, so that’s like plus 90.

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s go. [laughs] The despair might not even matter.

NICK: Well, it’s going to.

LAURA: 38, so it’s 38 + 90, so that’s 128. Gruesome Injury: Permanent -1 penalty to random characteristic. Roll a 1d10. A 5, that’s Agility.

NICK: Ugh.

CAMERON: Ha!

NICK: And how much damage was it?

HUDSON: Three successes plus the triumph’s success… 10 damage?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: So here’s what happens. You run up towards her with your axe held low and by your side because you’re gonna do an uppercut with it, and as you get close she kicks down into your knee, hits right where the injury is, and does a twist with her heel, and you feel a bunch of stuff just break. That wound went from really bad to just catastrophically bad. Before you collapse, with the adrenaline you have, you manage to swing the axe and hamstring her and she stumbles back.

NICK (as Anselmi): You’re not getting past me you… freaks, this is my station… and I’m going to hold this position.

NICK: She stands there and she’s bleeding from all these wounds and she’s bleeding out of her mouth. Tink, you collapse to the ground, you can no longer stand, and we come to the next PC slot. HK crosses his arms and looks at her.

NICK (as HK): Evaluation: No action needed.

NICK: As the round ends, she takes 1 wound from her critical injury which fills up all of her damage.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Her eyes roll back into her head and she collapses to the ground. So, she is completely down.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK… I’m bleeding a lot on my leg. Just singe it. Cauterize my leg.

NICK (as HK): Is this something you learned in Becoming Medicine?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is actually a more valid thing. It will stop the bleeding.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Cauterize is when you use water at high pressure to make my leg stop bleeding.

LAURA (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No… It’s actually fire, hun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Fire me.

NICK (as HK): Medical order acknowledged, Boss Man.

NICK: He sets the gun.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

NICK: He shoots down the hallway towards the wall, and the gun is overheating and speeding up until the barrels are burning hot.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you may feel a slight pressure.

NICK: He presses the gun barrel into your leg.

HUDSON (as Tink): [comically wails in pain]

NICK (as HK): Medical procedure completed. You can pay me in blood later.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whimpers] Okay…

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, do you wanna search her?

LAURA (as Xianna): How much is that going to do? She probably has some good things, but uh… I am kind of dying over here, so I am going to put some stim packs into me. I’ll be there in a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK: As this is happening, you hear smaller explosions happening and the station is shaking. HK looks at the server door.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Assessment: Cracking this door encryption will take too long.

CAMERON (as Karma): Suppressing fire?

NICK: HK cocks his head to the side.

NICK (as HK): No, don’t worry, I’ve got this.

NICK: His left hand detaches from the wrist and slides down and you see there’s something inside where his forearm is. He aims it at the wall and says…

NICK (as HK): You may want to take cover.

NICK: …and fires, and a little micro missile comes out and shoots down and goes (tink) into the wall, and there’s a quarter-second pause, and then a giant, vacuumous explosion rips the door apart. Also then, a rain of fire comes down on either side, because it was an incendiary missile.

CAMERON: Karma had dropped to the ground and thrown herself over Tink, because he can’t move right now and he’s very flammable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay Tink, let’s get you up and in here.

NICK: HK shakes his hand in a very organic way like if someone punches something hard.

NICK (as HK): I was saving that for a rainy day. Pretty cool, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very cool.

NICK (as HK): I’m gonna need another missile at some point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool. We can get it when we get my rockets.

NICK: He grabs his hand and clicks it back into place and shakes his head out.

NICK (as HK): The way is open, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, carry me.

NICK (as HK): Acknowledged.

NICK: HK puts his arms under your shoulders and tries to lift, and you hear servos whining, and he tries again, and you can hear creaking metal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hold up. Stop. I got y’all.

CAMERON: Karma goes over and lifts Tink up and slings an arm over her shoulder to assist.

NICK: Okay. You’ve got him hopping on one foot as you carry him in?

CAMERON: I think that’s the only way we can move him. [laughs]

NICK: Probably. Xianna, what are you working on right now?

LAURA: Xianna stabbed two stim packs into her and is getting up now and is gonna run over and search the body real fast.

NICK: Okay. Roll me a Skulduggery check.

LAURA: Can do! Is there any difficulty to that?

NICK: I’ll say hard, because the body’s not in great shape and the armor’s fairly sealed.

LAURA: Okay, I got three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. While you’re searching the body, I’m gonna let you do that while Tink and Karma go into the server room to try to get Tink started on what he’s working on. We see HK run into the server room with his gun barrel spinning.

NICK (as HK): Room’s clear. Let’s get a move on.

NICK: Karma helps Tink into the room, so we see their silhouette move slowly through the smoke and fire that this door use to be, and there is just rows and rows of server banks, they’re all glowing gently blue, and a single stool sitting in front of a small computer screen with a simplified keyboard that you’re able to sit down at. You do that?

HUDSON: Yes. I sit down at it and I start hacking away.

NICK: Alright. Make me a slicing check.

CAMERON: As Karma gets Tink down into the chair she’s gonna stim pack herself.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: A triumph with an additional success and four advantages. The computer crits.

NICK: Okay. You’re into the system. You’re able to find pretty much what you’re looking for.

HUDSON: Not only am I into the system, I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks within the system as maneuvers.

NICK: Nice. Basically, since we’re not in combat right now, we’ll just translate that as you can do actions super-fast. It won’t take very long to do what you’re doing. At this point, over the coms, you hear Val’s voice.

AUSTIN (as Val): Oh wow… Look at that. That’s beautiful.

NICK (as Neato): Looks like some sort of glowy cylinder.

AUSTIN (as Val): It’s more than just a cylinder, Neato. That’s like the experimental reactor I was telling you about on the way over here but even bigger! There’s SO many things that we could power with this. It’s a shame I’m gonna have to blow it up.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: The com clicks off. Tink, you’re able to get into the system. You can see a majority of the memory is being used up on something called the Executor Project.

HUDSON (as Tink): That looks important… Delete.

[laughter]

NICK: It looked like some sort of giant star destroyer. It’s gone now, and you’re able to dig deeper and find more backups and things like that.

HUDSON: Ctrl+F, backup.xml.

[laughter]

NICK: What do you do to those files when you find them?

HUDSON: Delete.

NICK: Okay. They’re gone.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh, Tink, you have to remember to empty the little recycling trash can thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, yep.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! You’re right. Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Because if you don’t it’s still in there. I have made that mistake before.

HUDSON: I delete, err, I empty the recycling bin.

NICK: [smiling] I think you delete the recycling bin, like it’s no longer there somehow.

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: The Empire doesn’t recycle.

NICK: I need you to make one more slicing check for me. You’ve completely cleared out all the information you can find. I need you to make me one at a… Tell you what, if you wanna make this check, I’m not gonna tell you what it does, but if you want to it’s gonna be impossible, which is five, and you have to flip a destiny point to do it.

HUDSON: Okay!

CAMERON: [whispering] Do it!

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m doing it.

NICK: Okay. let’s see how this goes. This is something like, you see a small line in just the housekeeping part of the code, and you go “hey, that’s kinda weird,” and you start figuratively pulling on that string to see where it leads. This is to see if you find anything that way. My goal in this game is to make Hudson roll more dice than fit in his hands.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success…

NICK: Holy shit.

HUDSON: …an additional three successes, and four threats.

[laughter]

NICK: Okay, hang on…

HUDSON: I again crit the computer.

NICK: Yeah, and you’re able to do it really fast because of your skill. So, you pull on this little string and you find that pretty much the entire server that you were working on was the functional part, but you find a cache of data that’s basically the bid that Fondor put in to do this job in the first place. You find out that the Executor Project which you had deleted is the huge, executive class star destroyer that Darth Vader has personally commissioned. You go “Weird. Who’s this Darth Vader guy?” You get specifications of this horribly injured person who’s been put in a robot suit that looks almost designed to cause him constant pain who is theoretically stronger than anything that could possibly exist, and the way you’re able to backtrack that is somewhere in the ship there’s this weird egg-shaped thing that he can sit in that’ll make him feel better. You also find some personal diaries from something that insinuates Darth Vader in his correspondence is working on tracking down someone he thinks may be his son, and you find out that the son may have been on Tatooine in the recent past. You’re like, “I don’t know who these people are, but that sounds pretty dramatic.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. I could absolutely write a fiction book on this or something. I would call it… Planet Attacks.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, so what is it?

NICK: Do you come in from searching the person’s body?

LAURA: Yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON: We’re just staring over his shoulder.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just seeing a bunch of really odd stuff like diary entries, something about Darth Vader?

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know who that is.

CAMERON: Have any of us heard of Darth Vader?

NICK: You shouldn’t have at this point. He’s like a wraith. He doesn’t really necessarily exist.

LAURA (as Xianna): It seems very dramatic. Maybe it’s like a new pilot episode for a holo-drama. You know, like Sands of Tatooine!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna take it and make it into a book.

LAURA: [gasps]

NICK: [laughing] So you take all the data?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Oh no.

CAMERON: Yes!

[laughter]

LAURA: Oh, we’re gonna die.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, but delete it afterwards.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

HUDSON: I delete it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Because you want exclusive rights to the book.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know I do.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true. If they can prove copyright…

NICK: And then at this point, Tink, all of the stress and pain and blood loss catches up to you and you just slide slowly out of the chair.

LAURA (as Xianna): Uh-oh. Tink?

NICK: And you fall prone. [dramatic bass noise]

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh…

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Wha…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey buddy.

LAURA (as Xianna): Hey Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LAURA (as Xianna): You need to get up. We have to go.

HUDSON (as Tink): [mutters] … Stim pack?

LAURA (as Xianna): I have a stim pack. How many stim packs have you already taken today?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uhh… None after this part.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, but it matters.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, I mean today, like the last 24 hours.

HUDSON (as Tink): Two~

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, uh…

LAURA (as Xianna): So, a stim pack would only do, like… if I were to put it on a scale, like three points. Is that even going to matter?

NICK: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Uh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Or should I just give you some impact so you can get up and about and we can get back to the ship? Let’s go!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. How much of it is that you’re wounded and how much of it is that your leg needs to be replaced?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, a little bit of column A, little bit of column B.

CAMERON (as Karma): Little bit of both? Okay. Here, have a stim pack.

CAMERON: I’ll give you one.

HUDSON: I do a stim pack. So I only get 3.

CAMERON: Yeah, you’re now at 6, which is better at least.

HUDSON: That’s fine.

NICK (as HK): You know, it occurs to me with the kind of aggressive chemical cocktail that goes into stim packs that using this many of them is probably bad for your long-term health.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, getting shot is bad for your long-term health too.

HUDSON (as Tink): Taking impact is bad for your long-term health.

HUDSON: I cross my arms.

HUDSON (as Tink): Keep the edge.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eating too many popsicles is bad for your long-term health.

LAURA (as Xianna): There are a lot of things that are bad for your long-term health.

NICK (as HK): I hear it damages your knee joints.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, popsicles?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that’s true.

LAURA (as Xianna): Popsicles?!

NICK (as HK): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LAURA (as Xianna): There is no way that is true.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, it just makes you a happy critter.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, the impact, but we are talking about the popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, the crits will mess up your leg. Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… okay.

NICK: So, as you are helping Tink back to his foot—

[laughter]

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Several things happen at once. The smaller explosions that have been happening throughout the station start to increase in frequency, and then there is one giant explosion. I know there have been a lot of giant explosions. This one is the biggest. At the far end of the server room there is a crack in the wall and air starts to escape out of this room. The hull has been breached. You all almost lose your feet again, and it’s probably time to go. You start to run out of the station, there are alarms everywhere, and com calls saying:

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Abandon ship! Abandon ship! We’ll need to come back with salvage crews. Go, go, go!

NICK: Everyone starts to run away and leave and there’s alarms everywhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): White walker and the kids table, out! Out of the way… we’re going.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, we are leaving.

NICK: You hear Neato on the coms.

NICK (as Neato): Roger that, white walker. That was duck soup. Seems like you’re enthusiastic and efficacious. Count me as a fan, Val.

AUSTIN (as Val): You know, the trick is to just make really big explosions. Anyway, I gotta run. See ya!

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait! Val… I love you!

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, that is a lot. We are going to go now. Bye~

NICK: Val says…

AUSTIN (as Val): I know.

NICK: …and hangs up.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink! You cannot just say you love people over the–!

HUDSON (as Tink): This might be my last minutes of life!

CAMERON: I wanna flip our light side point and find one of the carts they use in airports so that we can get Tink to our ship, because we are very far away at this point and he can’t walk.

NICK: Okay. What about there’s an IT cart and you’re able to throw the stuff on the ground and toss him onto it.

CAMERON: I was hoping for one that was self-propelling so that…

NICK: I mean, it’s a hover cart, it’s Star Wars.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: You probably have to push him, though.

CAMERON: Eh.

LAURA: Okay fine!

CAMERON: Fine!

NICK: Or you could leave him.

CAMERON: [laughing] No! We’re not leaving him! That’s not what I’m complaining about.

NICK: Those are your perspectives. So, you find this cart and you’re able to dump a bunch of stuff off, toss Tink on it, keep running. It doesn’t seem like the entire station is going to explode, because if you destroyed it completely that would sort of ruin the point of forcing people to guard it, but it does seem like Val may have overdone it a little bit. You see stormtroopers running for escape pods and the docking bays for ships and no one’s paying any attention to you. you see people that look like they may have been in a gunfight earlier, maybe with Beta Squad, just ignore you and keep going. You’re able to make it free of the ship and kick free of the shattered airlock. You see air rushing its way out of the station as the ship pulls away. You can see a couple of unlucky stormtroopers get sucked out into the vacuum of space as you pull out.

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Agh~!

[chuckling]

CAMERON (as Stormtrooper): Nooo~!

[grand, dramatic music starts]

NICK: Then we cut away to a different scene, the bridge of some kind of Imperial ship. Standing at the viewing screen is a tall, skeletal man. He has unbelievably pronounced cheekbones and gray, dead eyes. A navy ensign hands the man a piece of flimsy and he reads it quickly, dropping it to the ground with little emotion.

NICK (as Grand Moff Tarkin): Kalms, dispatch the screen fleet to the shipyards above Fondor.

NICK (as kalms/Ensign): But sir, the fleet was only just assembled…

NICK: The officer trails off as he meets the eyes of this skeletal man.

NICK (as Grand Moff Tarkin): I’ve been assured this battle station is indestructible. Whether or not that’s true, the shipyards are invaluable. Do not question me again. Dispatch the fleet.

NICK: We begin to see the star destroyers wink out of space in the view screen. The skeletal man smooths his uniform, flicking imaginary dust from his new Grand Moff insignia and leaves the bridge. We see the Afternoon Delight as it pulls quickly away from the station. As the crew heads out of the gravity well to kick it back into hyperspace we see that there are star destroyers snapping into position all around the shipyards. The window of escape is rapidly closing as more and more capital ships pour out of hyperspace. Their mass almost tears the fabric of reality around them. Two, three, five, six, eight star destroyers. There’s a little gap of starlight just ahead of the ship as we see the crew gripping their seats and karma firmly throws the hyperdrive into gear, rocketing through the last gap in the blockade.

[music fades]

The next thing we see is the Afternoon Delight under a blue, tropical sky and it’s swinging in to land on this little spit of sand on this unnamed moon where you took your mission. The sun is setting, painting the sky pink and orange.

[tranquil music starts]

You see Myhliri wave at you as you come in to land. Standing around you also see Beta Squad: Val, Neato, Jet and Juke. They’re chatting to each other. They look tired but triumphant. The surf laps against the sand and a handful of single-pilot craft that seem newly landed as you exit the ship. Do you say anything as you join the group?

LAURA (as Xianna): Ello~!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m Tink!

NICK (as Neato): Tink! Good to see you. I don’t think you need to introduce yourself. We’re all friends here.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I don’t know those two.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, we have never met those two before.

NICK (as Neato): You look like you got a little discombobulation from the knee down there, bucko.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, you could call it that.

CAMERON: We put Tink on the cart that we have on the ship and pushed him out.

NICK: [grinning] yeah, he’s in a floating thing.

LAURA (as Xianna): We do need to find a doctor after this, and a real doctor, Tink. You are not a real doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just give me the leg, I can do it myself.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): No! You can’t even reach that far.

HUDSON (as Tink): My grandmamma taught me to do stitches.

LAURA (as Xianna): No she did not.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right.

NICK: Val kinda looks at Tink.

AUSTIN (as Val): So hey… How ya doing?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, better now.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Val just kinda looks down, and looks back, and then looks down again.

CAMERON: Karma comes from the side, she had been turning off ship power and stuff and hadn’t come down the ramp yet, and just barrels into Jet and Juke… and knocks them down and makes a Nautolan pile.

NICK: Aww.

CHRIS (as Jet): Mom~! This is so embarrassing. Not in front of the hardened mercenaries.

LAURA (as Xianna): Hey Neato! Neato. Do you have any drugs?

NICK (as Neato): Oh, I put that game aside a long time ago.

LAURA (as Xianna): Damn it. Okay, well… never mind.

NICK (as Neato): Except for glitterstim, that one’s healthy.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh hell yeah!

NICK (as Neato): It comes from a plant. It’s all natural.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, I mean, impact comes from a plant too. No, glitterstim doesn’t come from a plant.

NICK (as Neato): I don’t like where glitterstim comes from. they told me they made a new one out of a special bush.

LAURA (as Xianna): You know what, sure, sure they did. Hand it over.

NICK (as Neato): You looking to party?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. I almost died like so many times.

NICK: Neato pulls out a file of glowing stuff and throws an arm over Xianna and they start to walk towards the beach a little bit.

CAMERON: Karma shifts slightly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ow! Juke, what the kriff happened to your arm?

NICK: Juke looks up at Karma and rotates the arm, and you can see that he has a burnished metal arm that looks like it’s glowing at the joints on the inside like there’s dying coals in it, and it looks very nice.

ELI (as Juke): Well, uh, ran into some complications putting together this Beta Squad here, but it’s better than ever, mom. [chuckles] I punched a stormtrooper so hard that his helmet exploded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that is very cool.

ELI (as Juke): It’s super cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m gonna kill Sentinel.

ELI (as Juke): Why? We were doing a job. It’s fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is not fine.

ELI (as Juke): It’s fine!

CAMERON (as Karma): It is not fine.

ELI (as Juke): Robot arms are where it’s at. Jet customized it! Sometimes it does cool electric stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you’re gonna kill Sentinel let us know. We have plans.

[laughter]

NICK: HK is standing over at the sand watching this small, bright blue crab crawl in a circle. He looks up and waves an arm from the distance.

NICK (as HK): Kriff yeah!

ELI (as Juke): Mom, he’s the employer. We’re about to get paid out. I’m sure we’re never gonna have to deal with Sentinel again anyway. I don’t know why you’d be mad, I mean, you left me and Jet to go do our own thing. This is the thing we’re doing, and it must be a good deal because you’re doing it too.

CAMERON (as Karma): I just expected y’all to take jobs from more reputable people. He is not very good at giving instructions or providing enough information for the job, obviously, because you lost two crew members and then your arm, and then it’s just… this is not okay!

NICK: Jet rolls his eyes and looks at the sky and starts trying to get up.

CHRIS (as Jet): Well, I mean, he did tell us that he was working on sharing information better. I think that he really took our feedback to heart.

ELI (as Juke): So anyway. We win! We did it! Yay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

NICK: Xianna and Neato are over doing glitterstim.

LAURA: Xianna and Neato are on their bellies on the sand staring at a little crab going back and forth and they’re each slowly poking at it and being like:

LAURA (as Xianna): Whoa… Look at it… It is like moving…

NICK (as Neato): I took glitterstim. I’m doing it with my mind.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! I am moving the crab with my mind, too.

CAMERON: Oh my gosh.

LAURA (as Xianna): We are speaking telepathically!

NICK (as Neato): No, I want it to go left. Stop making it go right, Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): But no, I want to make it go right. Stop it~!

NICK: There’s this weird vacuum-turning-on noise and the crab goes (popping poof) into a little cloud of blue dust and is gone.

LAURA (as Xianna): Neato!

NICK (as Neato): It’s because you pushed it the wrong way. Look what you did.

LAURA (as Xianna): [whining] Neato! Why did you do that?

HUDSON (as Tink): So Val, there’s this resort…

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): …that I thought I had a great time there and maybe one day we could, um…

AUSTIN (as Val): Hey, that’s sweet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah it is.

AUSTIN (as Val): Are you talking about with the whole group or with just you?

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically] Just the two of us.

AUSTIN (as Val): Sorry bud, you’re still not my type.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay…

NICK: And Val walks off.

HUDSON: [musically] One is the loneliest number that—Okay.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Aww. Karma and the boys go over to join Tink because he’s all alone now.

NICK: Aw. They’re all chitchatting.

CAMERON: Juke’s talking about how nifty his new arm is and how cool Tink’s leg is gonna be.

NICK: And Jet’s flipping through a data pad trying to pull up the schematics of how he customized it to show you but he can’t find it because Juke was messing with it earlier. Myhliri steps in and calls the group back together, and you can see that there is a line of briefcases in the sand lined up next to their ship.

NICK (as Myhliri): Well, it’s all here. Each participant has the money they were promised in a briefcase. Sentinel dropped out of contact about five hours ago just before the conclusion of your mission, but if he needs you again I’m sure he’ll reach out. These ships were a little bonus he threw on top. We recommend that everybody go their own separate ways, at least for a while. Having just slapped the Empire in the face it may be best to lay low. Take your time, of course. There won’t be pursuit for a while, because the Empire is going to be reeling until this is over. Congratulations, everyone. This was a sight to behold.

NICK: Myhliri takes a second to make eye contact with each member of the group.

NICK (as Myhliri): It’s been an honor, truly.

NICK: They reach down and grab a briefcase. A little bit of sand floats away in the breeze highlighting gold in the sunset. You can see Myhliri’s name stenciled on the case in Aurebesh. Neato, who is still kind of influenced by the glitterstim, says:

NICK (as Neato): Well, would you look at that.

NICK: He points to the sun setting on the horizon. The bright sea reflects the light looking like a flock of suns in the water. We see the rest of the group, Beta Squad and Alpha Team stand shoulder to shoulder looking at the sunset, silhouettes standing together listening to the waves.

After a long moment of you all standing there as a group Val steps back from the line. She smiles slightly awkwardly at Tink and then warmly at the rest of the crew of the Afternoon Delight. She fist bumps Juke and hip checks Jet who chuckles, a wink at Neato, and she grabs the briefcase with her name on it and climbs up the access ramp into Stubs, the ship that was parked over by the other small ships. You can see that the cannon has been recently fired, which is interesting because you didn’t see that on the way out. It flies away with a loud rattle and a bang. So, when do you think each of your characters would leave the group?

LAURA: Oh, Xianna almost immediately goes and picks up a suitcase, does not check to see if it’s the correct name, just picks the closest one up and starts walking away to the Afternoon Delight.

CHRIS (as Jet): Hey, um, that’s actually, uh, heh, that’s my briefcase.

LAURA (as Xianna): Um, well no, the briefcases are for everyone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, yours has rhinestones on it over here.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Rhinestones? Okay. Heh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Look at how sparkly.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, they are so sparkly.

LAURA: She’s grabbing it and holding it up really intently.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! They color shift!

CHRIS (as Jet): Thanks mom.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re welcome, sweetie.

LAURA: Xianna goes and collects all of her stuff. It takes her a little bit because there’s a lot of weird hidden stashes throughout the ship, so she has to go through a bit and clear that all out. Then she pops into one of the vents and pulls out Creamsicle and a few things that Creamsicle had stashed away in a vent, and then heads back out to one of the other ships.

NICK: As Xianna is packing, Neato steps back from the group. He gives an exaggerated stretch and you can hear his joints popping, and he says quietly to himself…

NICK (as Neato): What a shindig.

NICK: …and shakes his head. He rubs at the strap on his eyepatch and takes his suitcase and then he’s into the ship and away. I think Neato and Xianna pretty much lift off at about the same time and fly off.

HUDSON: Yeah, I just kinda look out into space and I see what I think is a silhouette that turns into what looks like a Force ghost of Sabos, but it’s not a Force ghost because Sabos definitely didn’t have the Force.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON: I look and I just kind of lift my hand up almost to touch it and Sabos says:

STEVEN (as Sabos): My only regret… is that I didn’t save more people with my head tails.

[giggling]

HUDSON: It fades away. I cart as though I’m in a canoe.

CAMERON: Good. Yes.

HUDSON: And I get my briefcase.

NICK: It says StarDestroyer1 on it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… They used my hacker name! [grinning] That’s so great.

HUDSON: I put it on the cart. I roll up to a ship and I just make my way on, slowly, very slowly because I’m injured. As I do I turn around and I do a slow wave to everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Bye~!

CAMERON: I wave back.

CAMERON (as Karma): Bye Tink~

NICK: HK raises a little hand.

NICK (as HK): Goodbye, Boss Man.

NICK: Tink is in the ship and takes off. Hank has been uncharacteristically fidgety as the team starts to leave. He looks down and says…

NICK (as HK): Would you look at that.

NICK: …and he picks up a briefcase that has his name on it. It says HK-67.

NICK (as HK): Well, I’ve carried out my part of the deal. I think it’s time to do some self-analysis. Things have been… weird.

CAMERON (as Karma): No kidding.

NICK (as HK): Find me if you have any organics to kill.

NICK: HK walks off and jumps into a ship and it just takes off straight up, like really jerkily, because he is not a good pilot, and then flies away. We’re down to Karma, Jet and Juke, and they’re smiling and looking out at the sunset, and karma’s looking at the sunset…

CHRIS (as Jet): So, I think that went pretty good…?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ve definitely had jobs go worse.

CAMERON: Karma stares off into the distance.

CHRIS (as Jet): Well, I’m sure we’ll meet back on Glee Anselm soon, but we’re gonna go. We made a promise to meet some people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep. You’re expected there for your grandmother’s birthday.

CHRIS (as Jet): We’ll be there. We haven’t missed it yet.

CAMERON (as Karma): I just know that I’m obligated to tell you, so I’m telling you, so that I can say that I told you when she asks me.

NICK: Juke flexes.

ELI (as Juke): This time I’m gonna beat her. She always beats me when we wrestle.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve got the robot arm now.

ELI (as Juke): yeah! It’s a great opportunity.

CAMERON (as Karma): Don’t hurt your grandma.

ELI (as Juke): She hurts me!

NICK: They both hop into the last two of the little needle craft and they take off and they fly and they kinda intersect, like spin around each other as they fly off. You can tell they’re racing, and they’re off into space, probably headed back to pick up the Gemini, and it’s just Karma with the Afternoon Delight. There’s the Afternoon Delight and there’s one more needle craft and they’re both sitting there on the beach. What do you do?

CAMERON: Karma turns away from the sunset and is staring, looking back and forth between the two… and then nods and walks towards the Afternoon Delight and the ramp closes up, and then all the lights come on, and she takes off.

NICK: As the Afternoon Delight lifts from the beach we see the sun dip completely below the horizon. The sky drifts darker, sky spread across the heavens, and then we fade to black. The end.

[music gently fades]

[pause]

ALL: Ba-naaa~! Whoa-oh, for the longest time~! [singing, everyone simultaneously sings a different actual verse of the song or attempted Star Wars parody]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and every time we get one the squad sings a love ballad just for you. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Wittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord so stop by and say howdy.

Juke Nailo is played by Eli Kurtz. You can find him at @ZapDynamic on Twitter, and don’t forget to check out his freshly launched Kickstarter. Oligarchy is a tabletop RPG of political folly powered by the Trophy RPG system and campaigning on Kickstarter until February 24. There’s a link in the show notes.

Jet Nailo is played by Chris Russell. You can find him on Twitter and Instagram at @techdudetx.

Sabos Niks was played by Steven Schroeder. He’s been blown up by a star destroyer and does not exist on the internet.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next season.

Word document download: Episode 51 Attack of the Cafeteria

PDF download: Episode 51 Attack of the Cafeteria

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 51:
Attack of the Cafeteria

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

{Transcriber’s Note: During the recording of this episode only the four cast members were present. Nick spoke dialogue for the prior special guest characters who later recorded their versions of the lines for post-production, so they are tagged as speaking in the text.}

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Starting off, I want to thank Riiichard for your very kind words on iTunes. Your review helps more people find the show, and we appreciate you taking the time to tell people about us.

I want to take a second to mention that if you are caught up on Tabletop Squadron and want more stories from us, we have quite a few episodes for our $5 and up patrons and a metric ton of new content in the works for the next few months. If you are able to support us, I strongly recommend that you check it out.

This episode is the second to last before our season finale in two weeks! We’re all super pumped to bring the end of this arc to you all and are ecstatic that you came along for the ride. We’re really looking forward to sharing some extra content in between seasons and showing you what lies ahead.

Music this week is GIGA METAL by Loyalty Freak Music, Pocket Zombie by Flex Vector, and 8-bit Core by Manuel Senfft.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

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NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 51! We did it… again plus one.

CAMERON: Yay?

NICK: Yay! It’s so great.

HUDSON: Woo.

CAMERON: Woo…?

NICK: Yay. Well, aren’t we awesome? Everything’s going fine. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table, everybody introduce themselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last… but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: [snickers] Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Fantastic. Before we get started, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: One dark side.

CAMERON: Good job, Hudson.

HUDSON: I did it.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: Thank you, Hudson.

HUDSON: It’s all skill.

NICK: [laughs] So, when we last left off you were given your big, final assignment from Sentinel. Your job was to go to a small, unmarked moon and receive your mission where you met with Mylhiri, the Cathar spy, who gave you the coordinates and approach vector for the Fondor Shipyards where your goal is to destroy the plans for the large-scale project they’re working on there and hopefully destroy any backups or other records of that plan anywhere else, long-term goal being to make the Empire assign star destroyers to protect the shipyards and therefore leave the large space station they’ve just unveiled that can destroy planets exposed so Rebels can destroy it. You are also launching this assault as part of a joint team with Beta Squad who have also just made contact with the station. The last thing that we saw was the ship very stealthily locking into place on the airlock that you had been directed towards, all of the lights turned red on your ship, and a voice said “Assault entry in 30 seconds.” That’s where we left off. HK, their gun is spinning up.

NICK (as HK): Adulation: That’s what I’m talking about.

NICK: HK is up next to the door. What all do you do?

[action music starts]

HUDSON: I spin my vibro-axe like someone who’s a color guard member right out of school.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Karma jumps up out of the pilot seat.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have never seen a ship do this before, but grab y’all’s stuff,, it appears we’re going in… in 24 seconds.

LAURA (as Xianna): What does it mean assault? What?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I mean, there’s like a pepper and then other things you can put on food.

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink! It is not the time for that!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s a hollow clang as HK hits his head against the bulkhead by the door.

CAMERON (as Karma): My guess would be some sort of explosion is about to happen in the bulkhead to allow us to enter into the facility.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, you wanna move back a little bit?

CAMERON (as Karma): The red lights usually mean explosions.

NICK (as HK): Statement: I’m good right here. (gun charging whoosh)

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK: We cut to outside the ship. We see the interior of the shipyard corridor. Two rows of stormtroopers are pressed against the walls in what cover they can find. There’s the low radio chatter of the troops as they check their weapons, aimed at the closed door. Abruptly, two lines of bright red fire on both sides of the sealed door ignite. They move quickly around the perimeter. The doorway is filled with smoke. There’s a flash of an explosion and sparks shoot outward towards the stormtroopers forcing them to look away from the bright light. A thick smokescreen makes it impossible to see through the door. So, as the explosions happens and kicks out, Xianna flips on her scanner goggles.

NICK (as HK): Excited Statement: Suppressing fire.

NICK: We see from the stormtroopers’ perspective just blaster bolts start flying out down the corridor. I’m gonna need you to make a roll, please. It’s going to be two green and two yellow and average difficulty.

CAMERON: Is he aiming?

NICK: Not with the Suppressing Fire skill. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Welp… Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. That’s going to be two black dice on any attacks that these stormtroopers make for the first round or as long as Suppressing Fire is running. Help me remember that. Now we need to roll Vigilance. It’s initiative time! Da-da-da~ [humming a tune]

CAMERON: Oh yeah, that’s something we do. … Karma just got three advantages.

LAURA: I got a success and one advantage.

HUDSON: I had one advantage.

CAMERON: HK got a triumph, a success, and an advantage.

NICK: Okay, and then the stormtroopers, there are two groups of five, so that will be three yellows twice.

CAMERON: First grouping is three successes, one advantage. Second grouping is one success, three advantages.

NICK: Cool. Up first is an NPC slot. The stormtroopers return fire. They can’t really see, so they’re gonna have a black die through all this smoke plus the two black dice from being Suppressing Fire’d, but they are rolling three yellows.

CAMERON: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. They’ll spend the advantage to give somebody a black die on their next check. They are shooting back, and blaster bolts are pinging through the smoke towards you all. you’ve had very little time to prepare. The ship kind of just did this automatically, almost as if it was originally designed for an action like this back before it was given to you, so you’re forced to duck out of the way and it does throw you off your preparations to head down this hallway, but they don’t hit anybody which is pretty great. Up next is a PC slot. Does anybody feel super pumped and excited about fighting this whole hallway full of stormtroopers?

CAMERON: I will shoot them.

NICK: Okay. Karma?

CAMERON: I am pumped about shooting them.

HUDSON: Wait. What if—Are they grouped up kind of close still because it’s the first…?

NICK: There’s two lines of five leaning up against the walls, kind of arrayed down the hallway.

HUDSON: What if I just put a grenade in each hand and throw them?

LAURA: If you have grenades.

HUDSON: I do. We’re gonna do… I have two frag grenades and three stun grenades.

CAMERON: They’re stormtroopers, kill ‘em.

HUDSON: Alright. Both frag grenades are being used.

NICK: Okay. That’s gonna be average difficulty. It’s Ranged: Light which you’re super great at.

HUDSON: [laughing] No I’m not.

CAMERON: [laughing] Nuh-uh!

NICK: It’s okay though, all his points went into hacking and axes, so of course—

CAMERON: So let’s use grenades!

NICK: Let’s use grenades, yeah.

HUDSON: Let’s use grenades! So, what was it again?

NICK: It’s going to be three purples, because you’re upgrading it for dual wielding.

CAMERON: But then you also have a black die from the stormtroopers.

NICK: Getting shot at, yeah.

HUDSON: Alright, here’s my composition.

NICK: Would you like to maybe flip a light side point to try and upgrade one of those suckers?

HUDSON: Yeah, sure. Let’s do a light side point. Upgrade one of them.

CAMERON: [snickers, laughs]

HUDSON: [stammers] To the audience, I was juggling them and almost lost them all. Two successes, four threats.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so only one of the grenades goes off, or hits, because you need two advantages to activate the other weapon, but you throw both so it looks cool. How much damage does a grenade do? I feel like it’s 5.

HUDSON: Eight per grenade.

NICK: Eight per grenade. So, you’re going to kill one of them. Tell me how you throw the grenades and how it blows up a stormtrooper. What does this look like?

CAMERON: Remember to remove the pins.

HUDSON: As majestic as an ice skater, I do a 180 spin… no, I do a 360 spin. That makes a lot more sense, otherwise I’m throwing them into the ship.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: I do a 360 spin, and as I get to the 360th degree I click the pins out with my thumbs and I throw them like I’m about to do a dance, and I throw them straight out.

NICK: Okay. We again get the perspective of the stormtroopers.

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Keep firing! Keep them out of the hallway!

NICK: Just two grenades come whizzing out and they land.

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Take cover!

NICK: But one of the stormtroopers doesn’t move fast enough and just gets blown and smashes into the wall and falls down. The hallway is now more full of smoke. As you’re doing your spin, they do continue to shoot and some of the blaster bolts go right past your ears, like just almost hit you in the face, and you duck out of the way and lose your balance and fall prone [dramatic bass noise], so that’s good. HK stands above you and continues to fire out through the smoke, trying to provide cover for you, but you are currently on the ground. They are going to have a blue die on their next shot, because the way the grenades flew out kind of helped them triangulate where you’re coming in. Up next is another PC slot.

LAURA: There’s still smoke?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: I mean, Xianna has scanner goggles on.

NICK: Yeah, the smoke’s not gonna affect you.

LAURA: Yeah. I’m gonna shoot at the closest one, because Xianna can then see which one is the closest one.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense. Are you staying in the ship or are you moving up at all?

LAURA: Yeah, Xianna would stay in the ship, and then aim. How far away?

NICK: Medium range.

LAURA: That’s a triumph with its success, four more successes, and two threats.

NICK: Hmm. How much damage does your gun do, 5?

LAURA: It does 6.

NICK: Six, so you kill three stormtroopers. Do you shoot towards the group that got grenaded or towards the group that had not yet been grenaded?

LAURA: Are they both the same distance?

NICK: Yeah. They’re lined up parallel down this hallway.

LAURA: Whichever one had not been grenaded.

NICK: So, that’s really good. How do you bring down three stormtroopers before ducking back out of the way?

LAURA: Two are just lined up so that the one shot just goes through both of them, and then it kind of ricochets off a metal panel and gets the third.

[music fades]

NICK: [chuckling] So just one really lucky shot.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Nice. Do you say anything when you see that happen?

LAURA (as Xianna): Ha. Nice.

NICK: Cool. Up next is an NPC slot. The other stormtrooper group is going to go. I think they’re going to move up to short range relying on their peers to cover them. they are only rolling three greens now, not three yellows, because they have been shredded pretty thoroughly by that. Xianna, I think that’s probably why you shot them, is they were trying to move up and you hit them pretty easily.

CAMERON: They still have their two black dice and they have the blue die from Tink’s threat.

NICK: Yep, and they’re going to just shoot into the smoke. We’ll see if they hit anything.

CAMERON: Yeah, they hit something. They also fall down. Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Okay. Gosh, this could hurt. So three successes means they have 11 damage coming out. It’s gonna be pretty much random because they can’t see in there. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten.

HUDSON: Five.

CAMERON: Seven.

LAURA: Two.

NICK: Roll me a Force die, because it’s either gonna be Xianna or HK.

CAMERON: A dark side.

NICK: Yeah, so let’s roll a black die. We’ll say it hits Xianna.

CAMERON: No change.

NICK: It didn’t do anything.

LAURA: Come on, dice!

NICK: So that’s 11 damage minus your Soak.

LAURA: Okay, my whole Soak of… 2.

CAMERON: [laughs] Ooh!

NICK: Ooh… You okay?

LAURA: Um… so I take 9 damage.

NICK: Ohh… You’re still conscious.

LAURA: I got 4 points left.

NICK: Ouch.

CAMERON: This is a great way to start this.

NICK: Ohh. Xianna, I think you go “Nice!” and you go to duck out of the way, and they use the angle of your shot and just… It’s like all the stormtroopers were like a finely trained military unit and they all just hit you at once, and Xianna gets blasted. It’s not good.

LAURA: Xianna kind of falls back and immediately checks to make sure that Creamsicle was not also shot, because Creamsicle is in the coat. It probably has a massive hole in a shoulder.

NICK: You reach into the pocket with Creamsicle and Creamsicle pokes her head out and licks your finger.

LAURA (as Xianna): [weakly] Okay… I am glad you are not dead, Creamsicle. You would be so dead. You are so small.

NICK: She bears her teeth towards the stormtroopers as the smoke starts to dissipate.

LAURA (as Xianna): You cannot fight them. You are too small.

NICK: We have a PC slot up next. So, would Karma like to…? You see Xianna get peppered with blaster bolts and go down to a knee.

CAMERON: Yup. Karma’s gonna look down her scope on her carbine which allows her to see heat signatures, so she can see through the smoke, and is going to use a maneuver to aim at the stormtrooper that got Xianna, and is going to shoot them with her carbine.

NICK: Makes sense.

CAMERON: Unfortunately, they have all gone this encounter already. Well, okay, this is a fun day. Four successes, two advantages, and two triumphs.

NICK: Huh. Okay. Four successes? How much damage does your gun do?

CAMERON: Nine plus 4 plus another 4 for my successes.

NICK: That’s five stormtroopers, and there are six left, so would you like to completely clear out one of the groups and pretty badly hurt the other group?

CAMERON: Yeah. I think one group still has four, the other has two, right?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: Yep, so… going to just shoot down the line that has the four in it, and then as I’m shooting one of them shoots across the hallway and shoots a friend as they’re dying.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. You just lay down heavy fire and take them down very systematically.

CAMERON: Pew, pew, pew, pew, PEW!

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, are you okay?

LAURA (as Xianna): No, not really, I think I am dying.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay great.

LAURA (as Xianna): But I have some stim packs so I think I will be alive soon. Also Creamsicle was fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay good. Why is Creamsicle with you?!

LAURA (as Xianna): Because she’s in my coat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Put her back on the ship.

LAURA: Xianna reaches over, opens a grate to the ship and smooshes Creamsicle into it and then closes the grate.

LAURA (as Xianna): Go now~ Hide.

CAMERON: Be safe.

NICK: Creamsicle gives the same affronted look a cat gives you when you try to push them out of a room and then waddles away into the vents of the ship. That brings us to our last PC slot which is…

CAMERON: HK.

NICK: HK. I think HK’s gonna actually shoot. Two yellow and two green.

CAMERON: Is he gonna aim because he’s just shooting at one?

NICK: Yeah, he’ll aim this time. The Suppressing Fire stops.

NICK (as HK): Assessing threats. Firing.

NICK: And takes a shot.

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: Two successes! The stormtrooper has stopped shooting and is starting to back up and try to get to cover. The firing stops.

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Oh… Wait. Wait, wait!

NICK: (firing noises) And the stormtrooper flies back down the hallway and it falls silent. We get a shot of the four of you stepping out of this smoking doorway and stepping over the fallen bodies of the stormtroopers and starting to walk down the hallway. HK nudges one of the stormtroopers with his foot and they don’t move, and nods to himself, and you all are able to continue onward. Good job.

CAMERON: Yay.

NICK: I’m proud of y’all.

CAMERON: Let’s stim pack Xianna.

NICK: Yeah, so you have a moment of quiet in this hallway now that the stormtroopers are done.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna jabs two stim packs into her and that would bring her back up to full health.

NICK: So Xianna looks worse for wear but is able to function.

LAURA: Yep.

NICK: Ugh, just the smile and wild eyed as there’s a big hole in Xianna’s shoulder.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Cool. After Xianna pauses to jab a couple of auto-injectors into her shoulder, we’re going to cut away from the space station for a second.

[tense music starts]

We see a scene of a dim street. The surroundings look like a mega-city. We see Sentinel floating along in his chair. His robe is pulled tight around him. His protocol droid waddles quietly at his side. As they turn a corner, the droid leans in.

NICK (as Droid): Sir, situational report. Both teams have breached the perimeter and are inbound.

[tense music fades]

NICK: We jump back to the Alpha Team standing amongst the smoke and rubble of their entry after Xianna has made herself a little bit more functional. Now that you have cleared this hallway, what do you do? How are you going to locate the server  room? What are you working on here?

HUDSON: I flip a switch on this piece of electronics I have on my side and then suddenly [hums a tune resembling early video games].

[heavy techno music starts]

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey guys, I got this music for when we’re running across.

LAURA (as Xianna): Did you get your own theme song?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, and I can get one for everyone else, too. I found this website.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we are supposed to be loud.

NICK (as HK): Pick me. Pick me. Pick me.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, give Hank a theme song. I do not want one.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’ll have to be later. I don’t have my holo-net with me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would you offer right now then?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I would offer it—This is a future offer. We’re in the middle of a mission.

NICK (as HK): Musical Recitation: [simulates house music]

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think HK has it handled.

LAURA (as Xianna): Hank can just make his own theme song.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s exactly what I think.

NICK (as HK): Some say that my blaster bolts sing.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I wouldn’t say that, but it was a cool song.

NICK (as HK): [gun charging up noise]

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, okay, there’s nobody to shoot right now.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well no, you should make that a part of the song.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could be like a solo.

NICK (as HK): Speculative Statement: Let’s see what happens when the beat drops. (wub, wub, wub)

LAURA (as Xianna): Do you blow up?

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, Tink, you computer. Where do you… Towards the center, does that seem like where the computers would be?

HUDSON (as Tink): If I was building a server room, where would I put it…? I’d put it on the second level, to prevent flooding…

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a big issue in space.

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink, it isn’t…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is a floating space station.

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. This is if I was designing it, okay? It could be landed, and then a flood could happen.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, this actually cannot be landed. It is far too big. It has to be in space.

CAMERON (as Karma): Kinda lives up here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LAURA (as Xianna): Because they have to build the ships in space because they’re so big.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ships, in, space~!

CAMERON: Yeah!

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, I know that is your favorite book, but not at this time.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. I shouldn’t. I’m getting off topic. Okay, so basically yes, second floor, and then what else would I do? I would go ahead and put it… yeah, the middle of the ship, that sounds right. I would go left, but I love—I don’t love left, I’m just saying like, the left side—

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, he has no idea.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay great.

CAMERON: [laughs]

[techno music fades]

NICK: So, we zoom out as Tink is talking and it shows the Fondor Shipyards which are, like I said, a big donut if you stuck aircraft carriers, three of them, into the perimeter of the donut. You can actually see that two of them don’t have any ships on them, they’re blank, and you can see the outline of a really, really big star destroyer. It’s taking up the space that four normal ones would take up. It’s like they’ve just started building it and setting up where it’s going to go. The Afternoon Delight did not land against those. From this aerial view the audience can see a squat military craft that now you would recognize as Stubs, the cannon ship that Val uses, stuck against one of those aircraft carrier looking arms, and there’s a smoking explosion coming from over there. The Afternoon Delight is on the opposite side, the one that does have a mostly completed star destroyer parked up against it. As Tink is talking there’s a red dashed line being overlaid over the ship moving in towards the middle, and he says “on the second floor” and the dot shifts to one side, and then comes back, and then as you all are talking and arguing over where it’s going to go there’s like an X in towards the middle, so it’s just outlining what your assault path is going to be based on what you’re talking about.

HUDSON: That’s for the audience only.

NICK: That’s for the audience, but it’s just kinda like a summary of you all debating on where to go.

HUDSON: Can I roll Perception and if I get really good on it find a map on the wall?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Like a kind of directional map where it’s like “You are here.”

NICK: Well, I was thinking, as you’re the expert for server rooms and stuff you could probably roll Computers to figure out based on the ship’s infrastructure where to go.

HUDSON: Great. What’s the difficulty of me knowing where the server room is?

NICK: Probably hard, because this is a private corporation system. It’s not standard.

HUDSON: [rolls]

CAMERON: Can he aim?

[laughter]

HUDSON: Ooh, a failure and three advantages.

NICK: Ohh… Okay.

HUDSON: This was a bad idea.

NICK: Yeah, so you don’t know exactly where the server room is.

HUDSON: So I don’t find that map, of course. [gasps] Except, however…

NICK: You can reroll a Computers check. That is true.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Are you going to use that? Once per session, can reroll a Computers check.

HUDSON: I’m using it for this part. [laughs]

CAMERON: We just have to make sure that we don’t get you to a computer this session.

HUDSON: I can still do it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: A triumph with a success, an additional success, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow. Okay. You get pretty much everything you want. Very quickly, you’re looking at it, this is like a basic space station that has been modified and modified and modified. You’re like, oh, the server room is usually located in this kind of general area.

HUDSON: While I’m fumbling around speaking about where I think it is, I’m kinda darting my eyes back and forth and I see this plastic panel on the wall with something under it that’s written and looks like a map. I just stop talking and I walk over to it and I squint.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey. This is a map of the ship.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait, they just have a map of their ship just on the wall?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. This is like a theme park style map with little figures and—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s the star that says you are here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, exactly.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is so useful.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. We know where the bathrooms are now.

NICK (as HK): Observation: This is an emergency evacuation map. While useful, it is not designed for tourists.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, I mean, it is still going to give us some idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, and I see the server room is located here. It has that little picture of a server.

CAMERON (as Karma): And now we know the path everyone’s gonna take when we cause an emergency.

NICK: That’s true. We get the overview again with the red beeping line and the red dot, and a little chibi Tink shakes his head and draws a blue beeping line and a dot somewhere probably a quarter rotation of the station around and points at that, and we zoom back in. You know where to go. [laughs] You found a map. Good job. What a solution.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, let’s go that way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Tink can go in front. I will stand behind you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. One more idea, hear me out. We could go that path that I just kinda felt like God was drawing a second ago, but I don’t know, whatever. We could go that path or we can do a shortcut by making a hole in the wall.

CAMERON (as Karma): So…

LAURA (as Xianna): That will draw attention to us.

CAMERON (as Karma): We do want to be loud. We are trying to distract from Beta Squad.

LAURA (as Xianna): True.

CAMERON (as Karma): But I feel like the more fights we get in, in the main corridors, the louder.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true. Alright, let’s take the path, the path that most will travel including us.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON (as Karma): The hallways.

HUDSON (as Tink): The hallways, not the vents or anything else.

NICK: As you continue down this walkway, it’s probably a mile or two down this big, long entry way. You basically came in at the end of one of those aircraft carrier looking extensions. You know that most of the important stuff is going to be in the main ring. This whole area is all just construction equipment and storage for building the star destroyer that’s parked next to it. You’re able to continue down there. It’s surprisingly quiet. After your explosive entry there aren’t really any alarms going off. You don’t run into any more stormtroopers. I think there’s a couple of near misses as stormtroopers patrol by, but you just let them go so you can get closer. You find yourselves as you exit this main walkway in a large, open cafeteria commissary. There’s the long, white tables with little stools seated around them. you can see a stainless steel kitchen against the far wall. It’s got multiple entries leading into it, big square open doors with no doors, just entryways. As you walk in you see setting up in the doorway there are three armed Human men in what look like security uniforms with large repeating blasters on tripods, and they aim at you, and you can hear one of them say:

NICK (as Human): Halt! Those are the intruders. Stop there!

NICK: What do you do?

CAMERON: Shoot them.

HUDSON: Shoot them.

LAURA: Duck for cover.

NICK: Karma snaps her rifle to her shoulder, Tink looks at Karma and says “shoot them,” and Xianna goes “nope” and dives off into cover as quickly as possible. I’m gonna need another initiative roll out of everybody. Vigilance!

CAMERON: Karma got two successes.

LAURA: A triumph, a success, and an advantage.

HUDSON: Two successes.

CAMERON: HK got four successes.

NICK: They’re gonna be a yellow and two greens.

CAMERON: Three successes and an advantage. Three successes, two advantages. Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay!

CAMERON: I don’t like these guys. They’re competent.

NICK: We have an NPC slot, a PC slot, two NPC slots – that’s gonna be really bad, and then three PC slots. One thing that I wanna call out is we do have a triumph there. Do you wanna spend the triumph to add anything to the scene, Laura?

LAURA: Ooh. What do we wanna add?

CAMERON: Cover for us might be good, because they have really big guns. [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: The tables are set up in a way we could just flip them up.

LAURA: The tables are set up in a way that they can be easily flipped over and they appear to be made from a heavy metal that’s very industrial.

NICK: It’s definitely repurposed scraps of star destroyer armor that they reused to make furniture, so it’s very thick and heavy, and a little top-heavy so it’s easy to kick the legs out and make some cover. Good idea. First up is an NPC slot. As Karma snaps her rifle to bear the guy with the tripod the most set up says…

NICK (as Human): Firing!

NICK: …and he turns the large gun and shoots at Karma, because she’s gonna try to shoot him. He is two yellows and a green, average difficulty.

CAMERON: I would like to Dodge.

NICK: Okay. what does Dodge do?

CAMERON: When targeted in combat you can perform a Dodge incidental. Suffer strain no greater than ranks in Dodge to upgrade the difficulty of the attack by that number. I’m gonna suffer 2 strain because I have 2 ranks in Dodge.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m going to upgrade the difficulty by two, so it’s two reds instead of two purples.

NICK: Smart.

CAMERON: A failure and a despair!

NICK: Okay! Do you want to use the despair that the cover is all set up for everybody else and that it doesn’t hit you? Or do you want to use the despair that his gun jams?

HUDSON: I was thinking that one.

CAMERON: Yeah, I kinda want his gun to explode.

NICK: It will jam. It’s not gonna just catastrophically fail.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: I want it to catastrophically fail, though.

NICK: I understand that you would like it to. So, the gun starts to spin up and we get this long shot of Karma looking down the scope at this guy and him looking down the iron sights of this giant gun at her, and then he pulls the trigger, it fires one blaster that goes above Karma’s shoulder and her head tails flap in the blast, and she doesn’t move, and then the gun goes (stuck clicking).

NICK (as Human): Ohh kriff…

NICK: And it’s a PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like to shoot him.

NICK: That seems fair.

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: Oh, I forgot about that damage boost. Okay, you kill that guy.

CAMERON: Can I shoot his gun and have it explode?

NICK: Yes. You can shoot his gun and have it explode.

CAMERON: Yay! [laughs]

NICK: You hit the small, exposed blaster pack on the side and it fizzes for a second, and you see a look of relief on the guy’s face, and then it explodes, throwing him out of the room. His two peers, while buffeted by the smoke, are still okay and they are going to also shoot. One of them shoots at Tink, so it’ll be the same roll that they made before.

CAMERON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Ooh, buddy. That’s gonna be 12 damage aimed at Tink.

HUDSON: I… defend! [laughter] Nah, I can’t. I don’t have it.

CAMERON: I block it with my axe!

NICK: You do get to subtract your Brawn.

HUDSON: What’s the damage again?

NICK: Twelve.

HUDSON: So 9.

NICK: Minus your Soak, so you have -3, so 9.

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah, so that one hits Tink. I think it hits Tink in the quad. There’s a streak of blaster bolts as they bring this big heavy blaster to bear and it comes tracing up the floor and hits you in the leg and knocks your leg back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Owwie.

NICK: [laughs] It is the other NPC slot. At this time, as both these guns are going off simultaneously, your coms light up. You hear a voice over a shared channel.

NICK (as Neato): Alpha Team, ring-a-ling from Beta Squad. Come in. We’re in a bit of a fracas here with some government stooges of the armored variety over here. Our tech head is trying to get the security system shut down, but there’s too much fire. Can we get a leg over here? Some kind of whoop-de-doo? We just need this door to open.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Um, it is very impolite to just ask for a whoop-de-doo, like, you know, over the coms.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, give Neato a whoop-de-doo.

LAURA (as Xianna): I also don’t know if that is the appropriate time for one. Like, there’s setup involved for a whoopsie-do.

NICK (as Neato): No, a whoop-de-doo, like some sort of tactical assistance.

NICK: You can hear blasters firing.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ohh! A whoop-de-doo. A whoopsie-do is different. It’s a big difference.

NICK (as Neato): Oh! Whoa! You’re gonna offend my delicate sensibilities.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m sorry. I thought you said whoopsie-do.

NICK: You can hear another voice on the coms saying:

CHRIS (as Jet): Hey. I’m doing my best here, Neato. Give me a second. I’m pinned down. If you could just keep this guy from shooting me—

NICK (as Neato): No can do, tech head. I’m keeping the other ones off our backs. We’re gonna have to rely on Alpha Team for this.

NICK: The coms click off. So, they are pinned down somewhere. If you could get some sort of access to a computer system you might be able to see what’s going on and open a door to get them a way out, but they are stuck.

HUDSON: I wobble out the door.

NICK: Okay. Well, it’s not your turn in initiative, so it’ll take a second.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: At this point, as that conversation’s going, we’re gonna see how that other shot goes.

CAMERON: Who are they shooting at?

NICK: HK, because he’s scary.

CAMERON: A success and two advantages.

NICK: So that’s another 12 damage going at HK. Oh, he actually has Soak, good for him.

LAURA: Good for him.

NICK: I mean, he is now doing very poorly anyway. If he didn’t have Soak he’d be dead. These guns, very bad. It is now a PC slot in the initiative. Tink, do you want to try and charge these goons or are you gonna try to find a computer thing, or Xianna do you want to shoot? Who wants to use this PC slot?

LAURA: Xianna can shoot.

NICK: Okay, from the cover that Xianna ran to.

LAURA: Coming out of cover, how far away is she from the nearest person?

NICK: Medium range. They’re on the far side of the room.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: You could use a movement to get to short range and try to get cover. So, if you use a movement you can get to short range, if you push yourself and do two maneuvers I’ll let you kick one of these tables into more cover and you could shoot from close range if you want to. These guys do look kind of tough. They are wearing armored breastplates over their security uniforms. They might be a little harder to bring down than a stormtrooper. But, I mean, you saw Karma do it, she made it look pretty straightforward.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna’s gonna run in, kick a table, and then shoot from behind there.

NICK: Cool. Do you parkour over some of the tables as you get closer like a cool person?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Cool. [laughs]

CAMERON: Slides across a table.

LAURA: It’s a very cool sliding over the hood of a car, except it’s over a table, and does end up with some salt shakers in the pockets.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Pocket salt! Hey!

LAURA: Hey, pocket salt is effective. Okay, what do I shoot with? Okay. That would become short range?

NICK: Yep, so just one.

LAURA: Ha. Two successes and one advantage, so that’s 8 damage.

NICK: Well, you hurt him. He’s not happy. He doesn’t go down, but it does knock him back away from the blaster and you can see smoke rising up from the gut wound. I think you hit him below the armored chest plate, so he’s not real happy about that. Did you have advantages you said?

LAURA: I had one.

NICK: So he’ll have a black die on his next shot, because he got shot and is not a fan. Another PC slot up.

HUDSON: I’ll do it. Are their blasters on like three or four legs kind of a thing, like machine gun style?

NICK: Yeah.

[heavy techno music resumes]

HUDSON: I pick up a table with both hands and I run toward the guns and I go WAAAH and I knock over all the guns with the table.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh no. I think that’s probably an Athletics check to pick up a big table and run at them. I’ll give you a blue die, because it makes me happy.

HUDSON: Yeah!

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. It’s a big table made out of star destroyer armor. We already established that.

HUDSON: Four successes and two threats.

NICK: Holy cow! Are you kidding me?

LAURA: He got really close to falling prone.

NICK: Aww. Okay, so you are able to pick up this table, run with the legs pointing forward. The way they’re set up you’re not able to hit both of them right now, but you definitely do take the legs of one of the gun tripods out and it falls to the ground. They don’t know what to do. They’re just like standing there, and you hit that guy with the table. Would you like to make a Melee check with the table since you’re running over him right now?

HUDSON: Sure. Yes.

NICK: This is going to be, I’m gonna say, let’s upgrade the difficulty. It’s a normal Melee check of two purples, but we’re gonna make one of those a red because you’re using a big table and running and trying to do it through a gun.

HUDSON: One success?

NICK: One success. We’ll say the damage of the table is a 2. I don’t know. So, 2 + 1 is 3 plus your Brawn is 3, so 6 damage as you hit this guy with the table. Good job, was not expecting that at all. It is the one who Xianna didn’t shoot. You were trying to distract him.

[techno music stops]

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: His gun is on the ground which will make it much harder for him to shoot. Nice tactics, y’all. Over the coms you hear:

ELI (as Juke): Hey, uh, any day now with that support. We’re really pinned down here.

NICK: And we roll to the next PC which is going to be HK. HK doesn’t do the auto-fire thing, he just pulls the gun up and lines up a shot and takes a shot at these people. Average difficulty. We’ll say he aims, though. He’s a good droid, he knows how to aim.

CAMERON: Five successes and one advantage.

NICK: Ooh, okay. He takes out the rest of the guy that Xianna was shooting. The guy’s staggering back towards his gun, trying to bring it to bear on Tink, and HK just shoots him under the arm where the armor doesn’t cover and the guy just drops.

NICK (as HK): Target eliminated. You’re welcome.

NICK: And, we’re back to the top. NPC slot. That guy’s dead. PC slot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, do you wanna technology?

NICK: I mean, he’s holding a table beating someone with it right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): What would I technology against?

CAMERON (as Karma): You’d go and find a console to login to go and open the door for Beta Squad.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh. Yeah.

HUDSON: I look around for a console.

NICK: There is one on the wall, but it’s across the cafeteria from where you’re at right now.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you wanna run we’ll kill this one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright!

HUDSON: I run to the console.

NICK: Do you drop the table?

HUDSON: Yeah, I just drop the table on him.

NICK: Okay. You run across towards the console. Make me a Computers check, average. This is a terminal for, like, the menu.

HUDSON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Okay. Like I said, this is a terminal that’s connected to the TV screen that projects what the cafeteria menu is for the day. It’s not hooked up to anything particularly important. What you are able to do is get a system map of where everything is. You see that there is a master terminal that would actually have a lot of security access in a maintenance corridor that is like through the wall that you’re next to. You could leave and try to find a way to get into the maintenance corridor or you could potentially try to go through the wall towards it.

HUDSON: I kick the wall to see how solid it is.

NICK: It feels fairly solid.

HUDSON: Would a stun grenade get through the wall?

NICK: No, but an axe might, or some explosives if anybody has some. There’s some options.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: While you’re thinking about that, we’re to the other NPC slot. This is the one you hit with a table. Let’s see, Xianna’s behind cover, HK just shot someone… probably gonna shoot HK, honestly. Roll me a yellow and two greens.

CAMERON: His gun had been knocked over.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Using his maneuver to—

NICK: Right. No, so—

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: This guy is looking for who to shoot at, he goes to pull the gun, sees that it’s on the ground and way too heavy so he draws a heavy blaster pistol from his holster and goes to shoot HK.

CAMERON: Three successes, one threat.

NICK: That’s gonna be 7 damage. He shoots HK in the shoulder. HK spins and goes down. He doesn’t look out, but he’s in very bad shape. There’s a lot of sparks going everywhere. He is at 1 health. Great. And we’re to the big series of PC slots.

LAURA: Yeah, she’s gonna shoot the one guy that’s left.

NICK: You don’t wanna go fist fight him or something?

LAURA: No, Xianna’s not going to go punch him. Short range?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: She’s gonna aim, too.

NICK: Does she just poke her head up above the table cover and…?

LAURA: Yep.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: A triumph with a success, four more successes, and an advantage.

NICK: So you just totally clown on this guy. He’s completely done.

LAURA: She shoots him in the helmet, falls backwards into the soda dispenser, the soda dispenser starts dispensing Coke. Note that Coke is canonically in Star Wars now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm. Yup.

NICK: [laughs] Yep.

LAURA: It has fancy bottles and everything. Starts dispensing Coke into the hole in the helmet and it just starts leaking out the rest of his armor.

NICK: [laughs] The security guards are down. You all see Tink is over by the wall, knocking on it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whatcha need, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, help me get through this wall.

HUDSON: I go and I swing my axe at it.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have a grenade still.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we can do this without wasting one.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, if you say so.

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a really big turret right here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, use that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, move.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get that conversation, Karma looks at the big turret sitting there, looks back at the wall Tink’s trying to go through, looks at Xianna, they nod, and then the next thing we see is a door being cut by blaster fire and it falls in. You find yourself in the maintenance corridor. It’s dusty and has all of the power conduits just stuck to the walls and is definitely not for normal consumption. You’re able to go through there and find a big master panel. Over the coms you hear somebody say:

AUSTIN (as Val): Alpha Team, there’s a lot of guys shooting us up here, and if you could do something about that real quick before I have to stop shooting these guys, go all the way down there ,find you guys, beat you up and make you come back up here and finally help us… that would be great.

LAURA (as Xianna): We are trying~! There were stormtroopers. We… We’re sorry, but not really.

AUSTIN (as Val): Oh, listen to you guys in the land of luxury not actively getting shot at.

NICK: And you can hear blaster fire.

LAURA (as Xianna): I got shot in the shoulder not a few minutes ago! I almost died!

AUSTIN (as Val): [laughs] It builds character!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, where’s that panel?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, found it!

HUDSON: I’m typing away.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay. Make me a Computers check.

HUDSON: Difficulty?

NICK: Average. It’s not a terminal they expect people to get to.

HUDSON: Six advantages.

[laughter]

LAURA: Six! Advantages!

HUDSON: I almost had a failure, but one of the blue dice… [laughs]

NICK: [sighs heavily]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: And you already rerolled your Computers check.

HUDSON: It was for a good reason. I saw a map!

NICK: Let’s do this. You fail to open the door for Beta Squad. We get a shot of the Beta Squad team, they’re pinned down by a bunch of stormtroopers and they’re trying to get into a door to get out of the hallway that the stormtroopers are in.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uhh, so we really wanna help, but uh… you know, the system is being real finicky.

CHRIS (as Jet): Finicky? Finicky how?

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink pressed the wrong button!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think that there’s different perspectives we can have on this situation, but we shouldn’t be arguing right now.

NICK: As you’re all saying that, you hear the voice say:

CHRIS (as Jet): Oh, hey, you gave me access to the wireless network in here. I think I can access the door controls now. Thanks a lot.

NICK: There’s a long pause filled with explosions and blaster fire.

NICK (as Neato): Wow, this is getting pretty hot. Can we maybe move along and—Oh, there’s the door. Thank you so much, Tink.

ELI (as Juke): Yeah, thanks Alpha Team.

NICK: They presumably escape from that situation.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re welcome~

NICK: Karma, those two other voices that you don’t recognize as Val’s or Neato’s sound pretty familiar. It’s kind of weird.

CAMERON: Huh. Maybe they’re bounty hunters I know.

NICK: Maybe! And we jump back to the darkened city.

[tense music starts]

In the distance far above Sentinel and his droid assistant we can see lines of speeders and dense air traffic winding their way across the canons formed by enormous skyscrapers. Sentinel cocks his head to the side. He turns to the droid.

NICK (as Sentinel): It looks like it’s time for you to go.

NICK: There’s warmth in his voice, and he smiles as the droid starts to protest. He shakes his head and gives a gentle push to get the droid moving.

NICK (as Sentinel): No time. Go.

NICK: Sentinel turns away from the droid and calls to the darkness.

NICK (as Sentinel): You might as well come out. Try whatever you’ve come to try.

NICK: Four shadowy figures step out of the walkways and neighboring alleys and Sentinel grimaces as they brandish blasters. He reaches calmly into his robes and pulls out a lightsaber hilt. He ignites it as the figures inch closer. The last thing we see is his face illuminated by the blue light of his blade, and we cut away.

CAMERON: Ooh.

[tense music fades]

HUDSON: I knew he was a Jedi! Okay, well…

[laughter]

CAMERON: Well yes.

NICK: I hope so.

LAURA: Spooky~

HUDSON: Spoilers!

NICK: End of episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and every time we get one the squad give Creamsicle little a bantha cake, as a treat. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Additional voice work this week by Austin Wittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord so stop by and say howdy.

Additional voice work by Eli Kurtz. You can find him at @ZapDynamic on Twitter, and don’t forget to check out his audio drama, The Tale of Hunter’s Bay, a story inspired by the folklore fantasy RPG Errant Deeds.

Additional voice work by Chris Russell. You can find him on Twitter and Instagram at @techdudetx.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 50 The Saga Begins

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 50:
The Saga Begins

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Well squad mates, this is Episode 50 and is the beginning of the Season 1 finale arc. There’s a few episodes to go, and I promise I’ll give you a heads up as we get to the end. It’s been a heck of a ride, and the entire squad wants to say thank you for coming along with us. You’re fantastic, and we wouldn’t be doing this without the kind of positive feedback and community that our listeners provide. We have some extremely cool stuff planned to fill in between Season 1 ending and Season 2 starting, and we’re excited to share it with you. thank you so much.

Speaking of thanks, Killer Warhawk, thanks for your iTunes review. We’re glad you’re enjoying the show. We also have some new patrons this week. Michael Howard, thank you so much for supporting us in our endeavor to rid the galaxy of the Empire. We’ve got some experimental armor in the cargo bay, so swing by and we’ll get to testing it right away. Kystel Anderson, thank you so much for being a patron. You are a shining light in a dark galaxy. Your positive words and personality help the crew stay strong. We’ve got a shipment of loth-cats that have escaped into headquarters, so if you could round those up before they destroy something important we’d appreciate it. Edward Byworth, thank you. We can see from your resume that you have a lot of Rebel experience and we’re glad you’re with us. Stand by for a squad to be assigned to you. see if you can get them in fighting shape quick. We’re gonna need it. Ryan Pothering, thank you for your kind support. Tink said something about a hull breech and losing air and then wandered off to take a nap. Do you mind throwing on an enviro-suit and checking the exterior of the ship? I know we’re still in hyperspace, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Finally, one more thing to say this week. This episode features one of our Build-A-Beru patron-made NPCs! Mylhiri Milur is the creation of Ashley Coyle. Thank you for your loving patronage, Ashley, and thank you for giving us Mylhiri. They turned out awesome.

Music this week is GIGA METAL by Loyalty Freak Music.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 50. We did it! Hurray!

HUDSON & CAMERON: Yay~!

NICK: I am your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and your character. I think there was a pretty big windfall of experience from the last arc or so, so say what you spent that experience on, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I spent so much experience. I bought two ranks in Melee, so I now have a 4 in Melee, and then on my Assassin tree I bought Sniper Shot. Before making a non-throw ranged attack – so I cannot use Sniper Shot when I’m throwing a grenade – as a maneuver, increase the weapon’s range by up to 1 band per rank. Upgrade the attack difficulty by 1 per range increase. So, I can make my gun shoot farther. My other talent I acquired is Deadly Accuracy! When acquired, choose one combat skill. I have selected Ranged: heavy. Add damage equal to ranks in that skill to one hit of a successful attack with that skill. We did a rules consult, and that means that every single time Karma hits something with her gun she adds 4 to it.

NICK: Wow, that’s a lot.

CAMERON: [smiling] Yes.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I spent a lot of XP points on that. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, it’s real scary. Great. Thank you, Cameron. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and there was some confusion over how many points I had. [others laugh] Without getting into it, I now have more hidden storage and Soft Spot, which means after I make a successful attack I can spend a Destiny Point to add damage equal to my Cunning to that hit. I now have 5 Hidden Encumbrance in my coat.

NICK: That’s a lot of hidden encumbrance, Laura.

HUDSON: You can fit me in there.

LAURA: I can fit Tink inside the coat!

NICK: Oh, I don’t like that thought process at all. we were talking earlier and I think that makes it so that you can hide more stuff in your coat than you can physically carry?

LAURA: Almost. My encumbrance threshold is currently 6, because the utility belt I have adds an extra, so I’m almost there. I do have to find another talent tree skill list that has Hidden Encumbrance so that I can do that.

NICK: [laughs] It’s hidden. I can’t walk, but it’s hidden.

CAMERON: [laughs] But you can’t see it.

NICK: Oh gosh. Great. Last but not least, we have Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Rallltinkraatakat, colloquially known as Tink. I am a Gigoran slicer. Here’s what I upgraded. I’m very excited about this, however I will go with the most boring one first. [others laugh] I got a second grade in Underworld, and then the exciting parts. I bought a fifth level, which is a full stack, on Melee, and I bought a fifth level in Computers, so I am maxed out.

CAMERON: Nice!

NICK: You are an expert. You specialized. Good for you.

HUDSON: I am specialized in both Melee and Computers.

NICK: You know, two things that really go hand in hand, axe combat and programming.

HUDSON: I mean, literally there was that episode where I used equipment to break into computers.

NICK: Yeah. You’ve done it. You physically broke in. Wow, you’re really good at stuff, good job. Cool. Up next, we’ll do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Uh-oh.

NICK: Eh, it’s balanced.

HUDSON: Is that?

NICK: No.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: I mean… two dark side, one light side?

NICK: Yeah, it’ll be fine.

CAMERON: It’s not balanced, it’s three.

NICK: Okay! So, we’re gonna go ahead, [laughs] after that, and jump right into it.

We open in the vastness of space. The crew has just finished a wild adventure and been taken for both a literal and metaphorical ride by Illith, the Chiss fashion icon. The crew has been waiting for a couple of days in space. Any attempts to contact Sentinel has been met with a single recorded hologram.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m relocating. Stand by. You’ll hear from me soon.

NICK: The crew has been basically in a holding pattern. What have they been up to on the ship?

HUDSON: I’m really trying to learn chess, and it is just astounding how much I can’t.

NICK: Now, are you playing Earth chess or are you playing the holo chess with all the monsters and everything?

HUDSON: Earth chess.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So everyone else is thinking “What is this strange, esoteric game you have discovered?”

HUDSON: Yeah, no, I mean like, I discovered it from reading a holo article, and I was like this sounds like a good time and I’ll look more important because I’m looking at ancient artifacts and ancient games.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who are you playing against?

HUDSON (as Tink): [exasperated] A computer.

[laughter]

NICK: Chessmaster4000. So, what about Xianna and Karma? How have you spent the time basically just sort of in a loop?

LAURA: Xianna is continuing on her path to friendship with Creamsicle the loth-rat that has infested their ship. I hope by now that Xianna has at least petted Creamsicle if not having Creamsicle living in her room at least part-time.

NICK: This feels like a Survival roll, doesn’t it?

LAURA: I would think it would be maybe Charm or… Streetwise.

[laughter]

NICK: For Animal Handling, essentially?

LAURA: For rats!

HUDSON: Can’t there just be a Friendship stat we make up?

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Well, you know, that’s street rats, streetwise.

CAMERON: Roll for friendship.

HUDSON: Street rats~

LAURA & HUDSON: [hum a tune]

NICK: We’re gonna get sued! We’re gonna get sued!

[laughter]

NICK: Do you wanna flip a light side point to just be successful and now Creamsicle is your bestest best buddy?

CAMERON: [laughing] We only have one!

LAURA: Yeah, I know.

NICK: Starting early with the tough decisions.

LAURA: Fine! I will make the Survival roll. I don’t have any points in Survival, but I do have a 5 in Cunning.

NICK: Yeah, you should be fine.

HUDSON: It’s not gonna explode.

NICK: This is an average check. Well, I mean, you do constantly run the risk that Creamsicle damages something on the inside of your ship.

LAURA: Can I have a blue die because I have been feeding Creamsicle food?

NICK: You know what, you sure can, but I’m gonna flip a dark side point to upgrade the difficulty by one.

LAURA: What? Just let me have this!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Two successes.

NICK: You did it! Yes, over the course of the last few days you have been leaving out bantha cakes and slowly gaining Creamsicle’s trust. Creamsicle is definitely one of those rats that just has the right kind of brain to deal with people. It turns out to be very friendly, turns out to be very food-motivated, and you even manage to teach it a few tricks. I don’t want to call Creamsicle “it” anymore. What kind of rat is Creamsicle?

LAURA: Creamsicle is a girl.

NICK: Creamsicle is a girl rat. Great.

CAMERON: Oh no, he’s writing something down. Creamsicle’s pregnant.

NICK: I mean, Creamsicle does not appear to be pregnant… right now. You don’t know about earlier. Anyway. So yeah, Creamsicle is—

LAURA: I’ve doomed us.

CAMERON: Oh no!

[laughter]

NICK: I’ve played KOTOR. I know how this works. You have Creamsicle, and I think Creamsicle likes to ride on your shoulder when you’re walking around the ship.

LAURA: Yes~

NICK: What is a trick that you have taught this loth-rat in the small amount of time that you’ve been friends?

LAURA: I have taught Creamsicle how to identify credit sticks, and Creamsicle can go into pockets and pull out credit sticks. Whether or not she can do it stealthily is a different matter, but she can do it.

NICK: Okay. I think also that you taught Creamsicle on your own coat, so occasionally when you’re walking around Creamsicle just disappears into a pocket, and you’re like aww, and then reappears with a cred-stick and drops it.

LAURA: I’ve trained her to bring it to me, so she just brings it to a different pocket.

NICK: Okay, that’s fair. It’s fine unless you need to spend money and you can’t figure out which pocket it’s in.

LAURA: It’ll be fine.

NICK: Mm-hmm. What about karma? What have you been up to?

CAMERON: Karma has been practicing a lot of her vibro-sword stances and routines. She’s improved at it greatly over the past three days and has just been running through. She did all of her typical weapons maintenance, cleaning everything up after that giant tiger thing that we fought.

NICK: Like a tiger fish monster.

CAMERON: Yeah, that thing, and then was like “hey, I haven’t used this in a while,” and just started going through sword dances and stuff.

NICK: Uh-huh, doing some kata. While they were making rat friends you were learning the blade.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Cool. Karma gets through a training montage. Another question for you all: When Illith skedaddled they left a data pad behind with some information on it. Who has that data pad?

LAURA: I would assume we gave it to Tink to try to figure something out with it.

CAMERON: Yeah, probably.

HUDSON: Yeah, I looked it over. At the time that it was given to me I was actually practicing my hacking with one hand and flipping my vibro-axe with the other and that’s how I leveled up.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So this actually is right up my alley for practicing my skills.

NICK: Nice. You set your chess pieces aside, you know, like people do when they play chess, and you take another look at that data pad. You’ve mostly cracked it open, you just haven’t had time to look through all of it. You do see that it has a simple set of coordinates programmed into it. It’s kind of buried into a directory. The coordinates are just past the galactic border into wild space. You doubt you have time to investigate it right now, but you do remember that Illith promised to pay you 101,069 Credits. Hopefully this is the location of those funds? Although, you can’t help but wonder who would bother to rob you and then pay you anyway. Then, around this time, it’s been, like I said, a few days. Karma is doing her sword forms, Xianna is just being adorable with Creamsicle, Tink is tapping away on this data pad, and you receive a holo-vid call from Sentinel. There is very little fanfare. It’s ten seconds of ringing and then the holo is pushed through anyway to where you’re standing. The doors in and out of different rooms on this ship have the little control panels with the little cameras sunk into them so they can project a little holo into whatever room. You don’t have to go to the holo-theater, it’s just a better set piece. You all look up to this short holo of Sentinel. Sentinel looks kind of sick. You think you can see some city in the background. His eyes are sunken. As he clasps both his hands in his lap you can see that they’re shaking.

NICK (as Sentinel): The timeline for the mission has been moved up. Alderaan has been destroyed.

CAMERON (as Karma): [gasps]

LAURA (as Xianna): You mean like invaded, or…? Like, how many cities were, you know, shot at or…? What?

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s gone. It’s as though a million voices cried out and then were suddenly silenced.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well like, so, they got rid of the royal family, yes? Did they take over, or…?

NICK (as Sentinel): Where the planet once was there are small, floating boulders and dissipating energy.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

NICK (as Sentinel): It is an ex-planet.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait, they blew the whole planet up?

CAMERON (as Karma): How did they blow up a planet?

LAURA (as Xianna): How do you even do that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Who blew up a planet?

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, I’m assuming the Empire.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s like some kind of death… st—Um. Death…

LAURA (as Xianna): A death ray!

HUDSON (as Tink): Death ray!

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, a death ray.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): A giant device on a moon and it goes PEW and it shoots out and it blows the whole planet up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Some sort of planet killer.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes. We’ll be able to provide more information at the mission briefing, but the Empire has created a terrible weapon. Your job is to distract from that weapon so that other people can destroy it. We’ve talked about this a little bit in the past. I’ve been very open with my information.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. This is the distraction at the shipyard.

NICK (as Sentinel): This is the entire reason that I have employed you up to this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, cool.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes. Your target are the shipyards over Fondor. They’re lightly guarded and have no capital ships in orbit. Head to the following coordinates. I have an agent that will give you the rest of the information. I’m sorry I cannot tell you more myself.

NICK: Then he hangs up the call. What do you do?

CAMERON (as Karma): Agent’s name? Come on, Sentinel!

NICK: [smiling] He’s gone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh!

LAURA (as Xianna): He didn’t even… Ugh. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): It usually falls in our lap anyway.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): He’s giving us coordinates, right? Because I have already forgotten what planet he said. Did he say a planet?

CAMERON: I push the coordinates button on the ship.

NICK: The coordinates are not the planet of Fondor, but it is in a nearby system, it’s like an unnamed moon.

CAMERON (as Karma): The coordinates appear to be an unnamed moon in a nearby system.

HUDSON (as Tink): I learned about coordinates today! You know that data pad you gave me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s a directory in there that has just nothing in it but coordinates for a place way out there.

LAURA (as Xianna): What does way out there mean?

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s in wild space.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Oh, you cute little Inner Rim boy.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I think the Chiss are from wild space, so maybe that is just where they live.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could be their house. You’re right.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, noted, we have coordinates for wild space, from Illith.

HUDSON (as Tink): From Illith. Yeah…

CAMERON (as Karma): In that data pad.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): That Illith left when they stole the shiny thong and abandoned us. Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): I hope we get that back one day.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m not entirely sure what Sentinel needed the thong for, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): The song? There was no song involved.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ugh! You know what I mean! Thong!

HUDSON (as Tink): The thong song.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure, sure, yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): [tentatively] She had dumps like a truck.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): What! Butt! I do know that song. Yes.

NICK: You get a ping on your com of Nolaa texting you. it’s completely irrelevant to what you’re talking about.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I’m going to go now. Let me know when we have any idea of what we are going to do.

CAMERON: I put in the coordinates that Sentinel sent and start driving.

NICK: Yeah. The ship takes off into hyperspace. You were parked right on the edge of a hyperspace lane for easy exit in case you were discovered or you knew where the heck you were going.

HUDSON: Is it like space HOV lanes?

NICK: Yeah, it’s how the galaxy gets around.

HUDSON: Ah, okay.

NICK: Because if you don’t know what direction to shoot your hyperspace into you go through a sun and you die, so… it’s a whole thing. So! We see the ship snap out of hyperspace in a small, irrelevant system in the same region of the galaxy as Fondor. The Colonies, as they’re called, is an old region of space sitting snugly between the Core Worlds and the Inner Rim. Thank you, Wookieepedia. You have to take a long series of jumps to get there, avoiding imperial checkpoints and blockades. You quickly break atmosphere above the moon heading for the meeting coordinates. The moon in question orbits a gas giant of pale lavender. The moon itself looks like it’s entirely water, but as you sink deeper into the atmosphere you find a small spit of sand as your destination. As you pull the ship forward you land, you see a small, squat military craft pulling up off the sandbar and heading out into space. Another ship is parked in the shallows around the sand, a Z95 Headhunter, a short civilian craft that looks like an off brand X-Wing and is easily modified into a capable fighter ship, but it’s not normally used for long journeys because it doesn’t really have any passenger space. It’s like a single-seater hotrod kind of ship.

As you exit the ship, you can see a figure silhouetted by a high sun. they are tall and athletic, shading their eyes as they watch the other ship diminish into a small spot above and then vanish on its mission. How do you approach this figure?

CAMERON: I’mma go out on a limb.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s our contact.

HUDSON (as Tink): I actually recognize that person. They look like a spaceketball player. You can tell by the height.

LAURA: Xianna’s not paying attention. She’s currently in the little kitchen area. She’s trying to teach Creamsicle how to identify bantha cakes. It’s not working, so she’s just been eating a lot of bantha cakes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Come on, guys. Xianna, you can bring Creamsicle.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna runs over and is stuffing Creamsicle in a pocket. Creamsicle just seems to disappear suddenly.

HUDSON (as Tink): I smell bantha cakes.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, I was eating them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LAURA (as Xianna): I also have a few in my pockets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can I have one?

LAURA (as Xianna): Hold on.

LAURA: She puts her hands in a pocket, pulls one out, and the wrapper has been chewed through a little bit.

LAURA (as Xianna): You can have this one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm, feels used, but okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, I don’t think the inside is eaten, just the wrapper, a little bit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh, got it.

NICK (as HK): Assertion: The odds of a loth-rat having parasites that can affect a Gigoran are quite small.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s very helpful. Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You’re welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, come on, HK. You appear to be ready to go.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Statement: I am ready to go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Great! Awesome. Cool.

CAMERON: I push the button and the ramp drops down.

NICK: Okay. [laughs] We see you all exit the ship. The sand is pretty deep and loose. When you first get on the beach you have to walk kind of with an elongated step to make any progress, but otherwise you are able to approach. As you get closer you see that the figure is a Cathar. They are wearing casual dark clothes that have seen better days but are easily forgettable. They stand about 1.7 meters tall. They look like a fierce kind of lion creature with golden skin, and as they smile at you, you note their prevalent canines. The smile doesn’t reach their eyes. Unusually for a Cathar, they have a jet black mane that shines in the sunlight. As you approach, they turn to you.

NICK (as Cathar): Greetings. I am Mylhiri Milur. Welcome to my island. Sentinel said to expect you. … it’s not actually my island, it’s a bit of a joke.

LAURA (as Xianna): I was about to ask, because this island is, um, it is just sand, and sand is terrible.

NICK (as Mylhiri): I’ve heard that your crew has a sense of humor. I was trying to develop a rapport.

CAMERON (as Karma): I very much appreciated it.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Seeing as we’re going to be coworkers, I thought that you would appreciate a little bit more casualness than you’ve probably dealt with in the past.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh definitely. I love what you’ve done with the place.

CAMERON: Karma looks around the island.

NICK: Mylhiri looks at Tink.

NICK (as Mylhiri): See, that’s a joke that is related to the joke that I told a minute ago implying that I live on this island, because I haven’t done anything with it, because it’s just sand.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, Malar Malarkey… Could I call you M?

NICK (as Mylhiri): You can call me whatever you need to call me, but Mylhiri is not a difficult name especially with a translator. I don’t know why you would have a problem with that.

HUDSON (as Tink): [labored] Mylhiri…

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, I think his translator is broken.

NICK (as Mylhiri): It does sort of sound like bus brakes.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an older model.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: But it checks out.

LAURA: It really doesn’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): So could I call you M or not?

NICK (as Mylhiri): You can call me whatever you want to call me. I’m just going to take it mildly personally.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ha! Alright.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Great.

NICK: Mylhiri straightens their- They have like a leather pilot coat, and sets it, and pops their neck from side to side. You can see that they are quite strong. The Cathar are a predatory species and are… You don’t want to fistfight one, it’s not a good idea, and you get that impression.

NICK (as Mylhiri): So, would you like to get down to business or shall we continue the humorous bonding that we started with?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think if we could get down to business and mix in some humorous bonding that would be great.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Alright. I will try to mix in some humor, but as we start this briefing you’ll understand that might be a little bit difficult. I don’t know how much Sentinel was able to tell you. he’s currently running below the radar in a lot of ways, but the planet of Alderaan has been destroyed by a massive space station just revealed by the Empire. We must do anything that we can to ensure that this station is destroyed.

NICK: Mylhiri takes a second to pause gravely and look you each in the eye, including Creamsicle who has poked her little nose out of one of the pockets and then ducks back in.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The station is surrounded by an entire fleet of star destroyers to prevent any kind of sabotage.

NICK: Mylhiri activates a small hand holo-projector showing a massive orb that looks almost like a moon surrounded by at least eight star destroyers.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a space station?

NICK (as Mylhiri): It’s a space station.

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks like a moon.

NICK (as Mylhiri): That’s no moon.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s not a moon. It is a planet killer.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Yes, some sort of orb-based destroying device.

HUDSON (as Tink): With that much power they might… Do you think they harness it from the sun?

LAURA (as Xianna): That would be a sun killer. This is a planet killer.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh.

LAURA (as Xianna): This one just kills planets, makes them go boom. I mean, I’m assuming there was a boom.

NICK (as Mylhiri): You’re thinking the star killer. That’s later.

[laughter]

CAMERON: We haven’t gotten to there yet.

NICK (as Mylhiri): If you took this design and then hollowed a planet out for some reason and made it way bigger… Anyway. Your target is not the space station itself. There’s no way to get onto it without being captured by a tractor beam or detected by some sort of TIE fighter escort.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well yes, you get captured on purpose and then they take you in there. We’ve done that before.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s actually a…

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s a really good plan. We blew up a star destroyer that way.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a trope by now.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know if I would call it a trope, it is just a proven plan that has worked for us.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Sentinel has tasked you with a different mission. We are to be the guardian protectors of the Rebellion. You must attack a different target. Make it look like the Rebels are committed to destroying the Empire’s industry so they commit star destroyers to protecting that instead.

NICK: And then a question for y’all, have you heard of the Rebellion? Do any of you know that it exists?

LAURA: Yes.

CAMERON: Yes.

HUDSON: I don’t. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s the Rebel… You know what, I’ll just look it up. Never mind.

LAURA (as Xianna): The Rebellion. You know… against the Empire?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d say I’m a rebel. I know people don’t like the Empire, but there’s like an organized force?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LAURA (as Xianna): I feel like I have gone over that, but that is kind of why my mother was arrested by the Empire and then taken away by stormtroopers to never be seen again. You know, that whole thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that Rebellion.

LAURA (as Xianna): Because she was working with both the Ryloth resistance and, you know, the Rebellion.

HUDSON (as Tink): That Rebellion! Okay, so I think I get it a little more now. You’re part of the Rebellion, so we’re part of the Rebellion.

LAURA (as Xianna): I thought that was understanded… I thought we knew that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… I was just going with the flow.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well okay then.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK: Mylhiri pokes their head into frame.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The Rebels are a small but desperate group of fighters. They have the plans to this space station, and we can only hope the Force grants them the abilities to destroy it. Our job is to give them some kind of chance.

NICK: Mylhiri hits another button on the little handheld holo-projector and you see a large donut with arms sticking off of it.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The Fondor Shipyards are one of the three largest shipyards in the galaxy. They recently began working on a huge and secret Imperial project themselves and they’ll be sensitive to attack. The entire facility is closed off to civilian traffic, so you’ll need to infiltrate stealthily.

NICK: You get a little bit better look at the Fondor Shipyards, and off of the three arms you can actually see star destroyers sticking out of it. It’s like the large arms provide ways for people to work on and off of these giant skeletons of star destroyers. The dry docks are famous for their size and productivity.

NICK (as Mylhiri): This is an older hologram. We haven’t gotten close enough to do recent scouting as we don’t want to give away the approach vector that you’ll be using. The ship that left before you was the Beta Squad you helped assemble. They will be launching an attack in tandem, helping to clear the way for you and escalate the chaos once onboard. Their goal will be to attempt to destroy the station and any experimental reactors that they can find. We’ve heard that the project they’re working on is so massive it needs some sort of strange, experimental technology. Your goals will be to infiltrate the main servers of the base and delete the plans for this major project. If you can, delete the plans for this project everywhere. The Fondor station is connected to most of the network that would house these plans. That is why you have been assembled as a team.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I mean, at least when I was in the academy the Empire doesn’t have good backup systems, honestly. I mean they’re a little bit old school with their systems.

NICK (as Mylhiri): I have no idea what that means, but that’s why we hired a slicer.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha!

CAMERON (as Karma): So, Alpha Team’s job is to get Tink to the computers, cause general mayhem. Val’s job is to blow shit up?

NICK (as Mylhiri): Yep.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The team was assembled based on your skills in infiltration…

NICK: Mylhiri nods at Xianna.

NICK (as Mylhiri): …fire support…

NICK: Mylhiri nods at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): And doctorness.

LAURA (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I too am a doctor. Do you have any pains or illnesses right now?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t—

NICK (as Mylhiri): I’ve been a little tight in this shoulder, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Got it. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.

NICK (as Mylhiri): I had to fight an assassin recently and took a blade.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, if you take bantha milk and let it curdle, and then you get a stim pack, slice it in the middle, anything in the stim pack that falls out, don’t be surprised by what it is, if I could tell you I would, I just read this in literature, pour that into there, mix it up with a spoon, and then just down it like a shot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Please don’t.

LAURA (as Xianna): Why not just inject the stim pack?

HUDSON (as Tink): Because this is neck pain not a bullet wound.

LAURA & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): [groans]

NICK: Mylhiri is staring at Tink with their jaw hanging open slightly, so you could see their teeth which are very big and liony.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Stim packs are an auto-injection system. If you cut it open springs and stuff will fall out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Anything in there. Melt it if you have to.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] I promise he’s much better at computers.

LAURA (as Xianna): [wincing] He actually is.

NICK (as Mylhiri): May the Force grant that that is so.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know a Force user! That Sentinel person!

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink! You can’t just say that!

NICK (as Mylhiri): I work closely with Sentinel. I help organize…

LAURA (as Xianna): And I know that, but he does not.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I know it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Then why would you inform this person that we know the same person.

CAMERON (as Karma): They know already.

HUDSON (as Tink): They know already.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so why did you say it? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I didn’t know they knew that he used the Force.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would you tell them that Sentinel used the Force if they didn’t know?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re trying to make a connection here.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not something you just want to share.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Tink is forging a connection with me, your handler, and I personally feel like we’ve grown closer together as a group.

HUDSON (as Tink): Couldn’t have said it better myself.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay good.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Thank you for keeping the atmosphere here light and professional at the same time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Please don’t take his medical advice.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Oh, I was not planning on it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay good.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am both a doctor and a la—I’m just a doctor.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): You’re not a doctor!

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll discuss this later, Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): You don’t even have one degree let alone a doctorate.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d say I’m 98 degrees, generally.

CAMERON (as Karma): [groans]

LAURA (as Xianna): Is that appropriate for Gigoran? I do not know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually—[laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, the Becoming Medicine book was written primarily about Humans, so…

LAURA (as Xianna): Because that would be too low for me. That would mean I was sick.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just know the normal temperature range, and I feel normal as anything.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay… Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): Anyway, Fondor Shipyard. You said trying to make it so they didn’t know the direction of our approach. Does that mean we have a set direction of approach?

NICK (as Mylhiri): Oh yes, you do.

NICK: Mylhiri pulls a data spike out of a hip pouch and hands it to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you.

NICK (as Mylhiri): This will give you a very specific approach that we have synchronized with the Beta Squad and will help you to get in through the patrols. It’s a complicated vector, obviously, as we’re trying to pierce Imperial security protocol which we all know is almost impossible, but with a talented pilot hopefully you can make it there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Eh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oof. Heh…

CAMERON: Karma pulls at her collar a little bit.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Mylhiri): Your goal will be, like I said, the main server rooms which should be towards the center of the station. I unfortunately was not able to provide a specific layout, but as it is an industrial complex there should be ample designations, markings, and you all are professionals of course.

HUDSON (as Tink): How rude of us. This is HK.

[laughter]

NICK (as Mylhiri): Yes, I was informed that you have a droid compatriot.

NICK (as HK): Statement: Compatriot is not the correct word.

HUDSON (as Tink): Lifelong friend.

NICK (as HK): Leader is the correct phrase.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. You’re our leader… Okay.

NICK (as HK): Self-acknowledgement: HK is the one in charge.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know if that’s right either.

NICK (as HK): Silence, secondary user.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ugh, fine.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Alright, that got a little weird.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s better to just go with it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t ask why their hands are so tiny.

LAURA (as Xianna): Stop pointing out how tiny his hands are!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no! I was saying don’t point that out.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but you brought it up!

NICK: HK makes the high whining noise of a hard drive that’s over temperature and just moves his hands behind his back.

CAMERON (as Karma): [whining] Aw, oh no… Stop~

LAURA (as Xianna): Stop it, Tink~

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, well now M knows.

LAURA (as Xianna): Just stop talking.

NICK (as Mylhiri): I’m glad that we’re able to have bonded like this. I really feel like this is going well. I struggled a little bit with the Beta Squad. They’re a little aggressive in their approach.

CAMERON (as Karma): The two team members we know from Beta Squad, I could see how, yes.

NICK (as Mylhiri): One of them wasn’t even speaking Basic. Some strange language. I could only understand every other word. The other one kept trying to fight me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh! Yeah, those are the two that I know.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The other two were pretty professional, quiet, and nondescript.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well that’s good.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is very descriptive. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s weird that you have such disparate personalities within that group.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Would you say that you all are identical in your approaches and personalities?

CAMERON (as Karma): I wouldn’t say we’re all similar in that, but I feel like we have a good family dynamic going in our team.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re trying to say we’re better than Beta Squad.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, I didn’t want to just say that, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what we’re saying now.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m not entirely sure who is in Beta Squad, so I don’t know how accurate that other statement is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Val and Neato.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ve only lost one team member. That’s more than a lot of other people can say.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is actually a pretty good run for how long we have been together, which is like… a month.

CAMERON (as Karma): And Beta Squad lost two.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): And we are Alpha Team, and I assume we’re Alpha Team for a reason.

LAURA (as Xianna): Who died in Beta Squad?

CAMERON (as Karma): Two of the people, because we had to get them replacements, that’s why we went and got Val and Neato.

LAURA (as Xianna): Huh.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know who was on the squad to begin with, but they needed two more replacements. They were gonna get HK, but then we needed HK, and then, so, we got Val and Neato for them.

LAURA (as Xianna): Huh.

NICK (as HK): Evaluative Statement: It seems appropriate to measure organic death as a score.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Actually, that seems a little morbid to me. These are our fallen comrades in our battle against the Empire.

HUDSON (as Tink): [grinning] This one time, I thought this person was alive so I dragged it across a cave, and it actually turned out to be dead.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was a rough day.

LAURA (as Xianna): We told you so many times they were dead.

CAMERON (as Karma): And HK, we discussed this, you can keep score with stormtroopers, but that’s it.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean really you can keep score with whoever you want.

CAMERON (as Karma): The only official score that I’m counting is stormtroopers.

NICK (as HK): Acknowledgement: The score that I speak out loud will be stormtroopers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you. Please don’t kill innocent civilians.

NICK (as HK): My programming prohibits me from killing innocents, but innocence is an opinion.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Creamsicle is innocent by the way, Hank.

NICK (as HK): Immutable Law: Creamsicle is adorable. I will never harm Creamsicle.

LAURA (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): I would lay down my life for Creamsicle much more readily than secondary users.

LAURA (as Xianna): I understand.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s fair.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, please make Creamsicle a primary user.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna immediately pulls out Creamsicle, holds up to Hank.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay! Creamsicle, you are now primary user. Heh.

NICK: A little scanning bar comes out of HK’s face.

NICK (as HK): Acknowledged: Creamsicle, primary user. Administrative rights granted.

LAURA: I imagine Creamsicle just does the little nose twitch and a little (cheep).

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, here’s the last question. This has been bothering me for a while. You say that you can’t kill innocents, however, if you were on a trolley—

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): We are not doing this again, Tink! You wanted to do this all day yesterday, and I missed my holo-dramas because of it!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a hard problem!

LAURA (as Xianna): But now I don’t know who died on The Sands of Tatooine.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know they’re not gonna be permanently dead, though.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, I know, but it’s going to be important for the plot and I want to know that it’s dramatic when they come back later, because if I don’t know that they were supposed to be dead then it doesn’t matter that they showed up in a big cape at somebody else’s birthday party.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s true. Anyway, I’m sorry, Mylhiri. Do you watch The Sands of Tatooine?

NICK (as Mylhiri): No, I’ve been busy starting small Rebellion cells on different planets, trying to improve the quality of life in the galaxy and destroy fascism.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, that does sound better.

LAURA (as Xianna): You can do both.

NICK (as Mylhiri): I don’t know what to tell you.

NICK: [laughs] Mylhiri looks uncomfortable at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have any more information to give us? I’m sorry we went on that tangent.

NICK (as Mylhiri): Unfortunately, besides the general instruction, we’ve had to leave the rest to you, because we don’t know as much as we would like to going in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Will we be able to be in contact with Beta Squad?

NICK (as Mylhiri): Yes. There is a parallel com channel that will activate once the assault begins.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fantastic.

NICK (as Mylhiri): We can’t do it before, because it would tip them off as you’re trying to infiltrate.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Mylhiri): The last thing… While I know your default approach is to start as stealthily as possible, due to the nature of this infiltration we must request that you go in loud at the beginning so that Beta Squad is not immediately overwhelmed during their approach.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): We can do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we can be loud.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think our ship has a button that sets off fireworks.

CAMERON (as Karma): And it sings ‘It’s My Birthday.’ We found that button on accident.

NICK: [laughs and groans]

LAURA (as Xianna): There’s also a few other buttons that do other songs.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is a weird party yacht.

LAURA (as Xianna): But the birthday one is the best song. The ‘It Is My Anniversary’ song is a little weird.

CAMERON (as Karma): They are all coordinated with the disco and the lights though, so it’s all pretty good.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): I found an Easter egg in the ship. They actually, during the holidays, have the ‘You Can’t Spell Christmas Without Us’ song. Classic.

LAURA (as Xianna): What is Easter?

HUDSON (as Tink): Easter is eggs, eggs, eggs, baby, baby, baby.

NICK (as Mylhiri): What is Christmas?

HUDSON (as Tink): ‘You Can’t Spell Christmas Without Us.’

LAURA & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): But what is Christmas?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! I’ve been reading a lot on old school Earth, and…

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): What is Earth?

NICK (as Mylhiri): … Oh no.

[laughter]

HUDSON: And cut!

NICK: That’s a good place to end that. Oh god.

CAMERON: Explains the chess.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t think Creamsicle lays eggs.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you hiding eggs on the ship? That’s gonna be gross?

LAURA (as Xianna): Are they raw eggs or like hard boiled eggs or…? Are you just hiding like fried eggs in the place? Am I going to open up my wardrobe and get out a shirt and a fried egg is just going to slide out?

NICK: You all are having this conversation as you walk back onto the ship. We see the entry ramp close and the Afternoon Delight starts to take off. Mylhiri shakes their head slowly and waves to the ship as you all take off. They snap a sharp salute towards the ship as you head into the atmosphere. Down below, they say quietly to themself:

NICK (as Mylhiri): May the Force be with you.

NICK: So, the next thing we see is the Afternoon Delight appearing at the coordinates that Mylhiri gave you. I’m gonna need a Piloting check from you all as you dodge this blockade trying to get close to the Fondor Shipyards.

CAMERON: [squirms] Fabulous.

NICK: You can co-pilot if someone wants to try and do that.

HUDSON: I’ll co-pilot.

CAMERON: Ehh.

HUDSON: No I won’t.

LAURA: What’s your Agility?

CAMERON: What? Yeah.

HUDSON: Two.

CAMERON: Yeah, let Xianna co-pilot.

LAURA: I don’t think I have any in Piloting, but…

HUDSON: So I don’t have to roll?

NICK: No. Also, you should bear in mind that you have that night shade coating. That should give you a blue die to this, because it’s essentially a Stealth check with a ship.

CAMERON: Ooh! Where’s my ship sheet? Okay, so the night shadow coating reduces the range band of…

NICK: Sensors?

CAMERON: …enemy passive sensors.

NICK: Yeah, so we’ll count that as a blue die then, or let’s do two blue dice since you spent a whole mission getting that.

CAMERON: Ooh. What is the difficulty of this Piloting check?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard.

LAURA: Am I doing my own separate roll?

NICK: Yeah, you do a co-piloting check, and then I think co-piloting works that you get to add successes to the Piloting check afterwards.

LAURA: Well that’s how we’ll do it.

CAMERON: Yeah!

LAURA: Well okay… [shakily] I’ll let Cameron go first.

CAMERON: [laughs] Okay.

NICK: Why, what happened?

LAURA: It’s okay!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: It’s okay! Heh.

CAMERON: Karma got four successes and four advantages.

LAURA: I got three successes, three threats.

NICK: Great. We get this shot of you all in the cockpit. Laura, would Xianna put her goggles down just to look cooler while helping to pilot through this?

LAURA: Absolutely. They wouldn’t even be turned on. They would be turned off so that nothing’s working on them, just cooler.

NICK: You see the ship comes out of hyperspace, and ahead of you you can see just clouds of TIE fighters and TIE bombers and TIE elites going back and forth in patrol patterns. You can see these ion cannons stuck to small asteroids that are also scanning and patrolling. We see Xianna take her scanner goggles and slide them down over her eyes and just have a wicked grin on her face. Karma smiles confidently, and the ship seems to disappear into the shadows between these rocks and coast in towards the Fondor Shipyards. You’re very, very successful. We get a moment of the ship inverted and up under an asteroid as TIE bombers fly slowly overhead. Everyone holds their breath. As you release and you make the last run towards the station the ship shutters a little as you clip one of these asteroids and Xianna flies out of her chair and falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise]

[laughter]

CAMERON: Yay.

[action music starts]

NICK: Xianna scrambles up quickly to grab the back of Karma’s chair as Karma glides the ship with engine’s cut silently into a small access airlock that was designated in the coordinates given to you by Mylhiri. The ship clamps into place and locks down, and all of the lights turn off on the ship and then turn on red which you’ve not seen the ship do before, but it’s very much like an assault craft, and blinking above the door we see a countdown and you hear a voice say throughout the ship. “Assault infiltration in 30 seconds.”

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait, what?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this our ship?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah! What is happening?!

NICK: You see HK hoist their large rifle on their back.

NICK (as HK): Adulation: That’s what I’m talking about.

NICK: The gun starts to spin up, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 49 Aggressive Archeology

PDF download: Episode 49 Aggressive Archeology

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 49:
Aggressive Archeology

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

You all have heard me say this before, but you’re gonna hear me say it again. Mel D’Amato, fantastic person, wonderful guest, great friend. Mel is awesome, and if you want to hear more from them follow them on Twitter at @melerella. Thank you again for being on our show, Mel.

Secondly, we are a mere $5 from hitting our next Patreon goal level. Once we hit the hot tub hangout level the team is going to be adding a ton of content. We’ve got new Discord channels and streaming planned. Hitting the next level will allow us to create a setup to stream some games and informal Q&As as well as some tabletop fun. To celebrate, I’m going to buy the weirdest X-wing miniature I can think of, so if you want to see me get immediately shot down in space by Hudson and Laura consider supporting us. Thanks everyone.

One last and very important thing: Friend of the show Aly Grauer is rereleasing her novel ‘On the Isle of Sound and Wonder’ on January 7. “Wild Mira knows the island better than anyone, and she knows the patterns of the sea and sky. She knows too that the storm that brings a shipwreck to her island shores is not natural but is summoned by her father’s dark, strange powers. When the wreck survivors wash up all over the island the mysteries of Mira’s past come with them and the truth of her father’s deeds can finally be brought to light.” Folks, Aly is a word artist and you’re going to want to get in on this one. You can find ‘On the Isle of Sound and Wonder’ on Amazon for pre-order or on Shadesilk Press. There’s a link to that page in the show notes. I personally am extremely excited.

Music this week is Social Blast by To Eris and Through the Dunes by Manuel Senfft.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hi everyone. Nick here again. This is an episode where we didn’t do the standard intro because of the way everything came together in post. Going around the table we have Mel playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss flirt and fashion rogue, Cameron playing Karma, a Nautolan bounty hunter, Hudson playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and Laura playing Xianna, a Twi’lek smuggler. Quick recap from the last episode: The crew got onto the ship, explained about hot tubs and being sad about your parents works to Illith, they swore that they were going to get cool jackets, they chased Creamsicle for quite a while, and they discovered a secret, peaceful garden hidden somewhere in the ship they hadn’t noticed before. That’s pretty much it, so let’s keep on rolling.

NICK: We get the ship snapping into orbit above Chandrila II. It’s a surprisingly desert planet but with big, craggy, low polygon count mountains. [laughter] I stole this setting from a game from the 90s is the thing. The ship comes in to land and you see that there’s a very large, extremely tall electric fence around what looks like a half-sunken temple, and you can see some modified battle droids with kind of ski feet patrolling the perimeter. There are two guards wearing full head wraps and goggles and gear, very much like Rey salvage outfits guarding the gate with carbine rifles, and that’s what you can see. What do you do?

CAMERON (as Karma): Question. Are we sneaking or talking?

HUDSON (as Tink): We have this IOU according to Xianna…

CAMERON (as Karma): So talking?

HUDSON (as Tink): …so talking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Talking? Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s call them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I just wanted to know where to park the ship.

LAURA: At this moment, Xianna is currently in the Jacuzzi area, in the shag carpeting, and is on the ground and is once again setting little bits of food out to try to catch Creamsicle, and probably at some point pops out of one of the vents.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, I saw evidence that Creamsicle was in the vent, but do  not see Creamsicle, however I think putting out the granola bars will attract them.

NICK: [reluctantly] Make me a Survival check. Heh.

LAURA: Okay, I’m actually gonna do that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: I know~ Flip me a dark side point though, because I want a despair off of this if I can get it.

LAURA: Ugh! I was just about to ask to flip one.

NICK: I know. This is what we spend our destiny points on.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: Hard.

MEL: Illith is just standing there watching.

MEL (as Illith): What odd behavior…

CAMERON: [gasps]

LAURA: Is that cocked or not?

HUDSON: That’s cocked, actually.

CAMERON: I feel like that’s enough of a despair that it should stay, though.

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s keep it a despair.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Okay, fine… Okay! So three successes, a despair without the failure, and two threats. [laughter] Yes, I see your face and I know.

NICK: What the shit? You would probably rather spend your successes on Creamsicle beginning to build a relationship, right?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Creamsicle eats the granola bars and even lets you get almost close enough to pet it but then dives back into the walls. You look down through the vent and see that not only is it the vent system but that there has been a hole chewed in the vent so it’s literally in the walls now.

LAURA: Xianna has her head in the vent.

LAURA (as Xianna): It is in the walls! Oh no! Okay. Oopsies.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I am building a relationship with Creamsicle, but they have chewed a hole in the wall. Sorry Tink. I know this is not actually your ship, but you know, you do the mechanic things.

HUDSON (as Tink): No fur off my back.

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Okay.

MEL (as Illith): Apologies for my ignorance, but what is a Creamsicle?

LAURA (as Xianna): So, a creamsicle is a type of dessert treat that has a vanilla—

HUDSON (as Tink): You’ve never had a creamsicle?!

LAURA (as Xianna): It has like a vanilla center and like an orange coating.

MEL (as Illith): [goes to speak, stops, sighs]

LAURA (as Xianna): But, there is also a loth-rat on the ship and it is orange so I have named it Creamsicle and it is now my friend and I am going to make it my pet, and we are going to have fun adventures together.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I see. A loth-rat?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

MEL (as Illith): I have a loth-cat.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, those are also fun. Ryloth has these things called tooka cats which are exactly like loth-cats except they are purple.

MEL (as Illith): Ooh, wonderful. My loth-cat is named Root Beer Float.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): They sound very nice.

NICK: The loth-rat, Creamsicle, comes out of the opposite side of the wall just where Illith can see it, and it’s this surprisingly large rat creature that basically looks like a fennec fox with a rat tail and if it was just ratty enough to look a little off-putting but otherwise very cute, and it wiggles its nose at you and then dives backwards into the vents.

MEL: Before it dives back in, it looks at Illith and Illith just winks, and then it’s like [smoothly] “what’s up” and dives back in.

[laughter]

LAURA: “Sup?”

MEL: “Sup?”

NICK: You have forged a relationship with Creamsicle just as strong as all of those granola bars did. That whole thing happened while Tink and Karma were standing by the off-ramp discussing their strategy. I think since you agreed on talking it out we get a (Batman scene change tune) and you’re standing in front of these two robed guards standing in the desert with very well maintained blaster rifles. The one on the left who is taller pulls down a face mask to reveal a Human with a handlebar mustache, because why not.

NICK (as Guard): I am so sorry, but Barsen’thor’s Tomb on Chandrila II is not open yet for tourists and tours. We’re still finishing construction, so we’re going to have to ask you to leave immediately.

LAURA (as Xianna): We are not tourists.

NICK (as Guard): Oh, well then this is private property.

NICK: The gun safety gets taken off and you hear the blaster start to charge.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, no, no. We would like to talk to Kettle please.

NICK: The shorter one looks very nervous and shoulders their rifle without pointing it at you. You just hear (mumbling) and the taller guard says:

NICK (as Guard): We don’t bother the boss with people coming to visit. You’re gonna have to leave.

MEL: Illith takes this opportunity to sway forward, because when Illith moves with intent it’s very slinky and mesmerizing.

NICK: of course it is.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

MEL: Illith approaches just slightly closer than everyone else.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, my dear boy, you must calm down. We’re not here to cause problems. I’m actually a person of interest for Kettle. We were intending to have a conversation. We’re both purchasers of interesting goods, and I just wanted to speak with her if she’s available, dear. Would you be so sweet?

NICK: The gun drops as Illith is talking back to kind of at rest because their voice is mesmerizing, and you can see through the goggles and with your infrared vision that Chiss have, their pulse quickens and the guard says:

NICK (as Guard): Well, so, that’s all well and good. We’re not gonna be shooting you or anything, we don’t want the attention, but Kettle isn’t here. Recently they just got a new item in and it just got put in. It actually, weirdly, that delivery only happened like an hour before you got here.

MEL (as Illith): My, what a coincidence.

NICK (as Guard): Oh, I’m beginning to understand. So Kettle isn’t here, and I just, I don’t think I can let you in. I’m so sorry.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I completely understand. I don’t want to intrude on an empty home, certainly not. Is there anywhere we could go to find Kettle? I don’t want to be intrusive, it’s just an essential matter regarding items that I’ve just purchased as well.

NICK: Man, this sounds like a Charm check, doesn’t it?

MEL: Ooh! I guess so~

NICK: This one’s gonna be average, and y’all have name-dropped Kettle which they weren’t expecting, so that’s a blue die as well.

CAMERON: That’s four successes.

NICK (as Guard): I think we can work something out here. I don’t- No, I was lying earlier. I’m not actually sure where Kettle is. Kettle doesn’t talk to us. Kettle has their own entrance. She may be inside. I would be willing to let you in on… What if we just called it a pre-tour of the facility, and we thought that you were with her if anyone asks, and if you wanted to just go in and see what Barsen’thor’s Tomb on Chandrila II is going to look like… would that work for you?

MEL (as Illith): That’s ever so sweet, my dear.

NICK (as Guard): When you get back out, if you like it and you want to know when it’s done you could just give me a call on my com.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: He slides a piece of flimsy with a com number which has to be like 48 digits, right? The whole galaxy uses the same system.

MEL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Maybe it’s like a QR code, like you scan it.

MEL: Dope.

NICK: Maybe, but this is also weirdly 70s technology a lot of the time. You might need a rotator to dial the com.

[laughter]

LAURA: Maybe it’s a card with a bunch of holes punched in it and you have to insert it into something.

MEL: Perfect.

NICK: I like that the technology doesn’t match. You could use a card with holes in it to program fiber optic cables. Nothing makes sense.

MEL: I think as they start to get a card out the gate behind them starts to swing open, and Illith slinks forward. They walk up, take the card, do a little twirl around the finger, and then as they walk they free their finger and drag it across their prominent jawline and walk away.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh man. The guard literally freezes in place like he’s seen an animal in the distance and doesn’t want to scare it off. You walk by. He looks straight ahead.

NICK (as Guard): [struggling] Um… Well, back to patrolling!

NICK: The friend (mumbles).

NICK (as Guard): [hushed] Shut up! Shut up!

NICK: The group is able to go into this rebuilt temple.

MEL: You can hear as they walk away:

MEL (as Illith): My, that was a big gun.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Flashback to as we were walking up to the guards, (boop-bwoop).

NICK: I’m not gonna steal your ship.

CAMERON: I’m just scared because I started a trend so if I forget to do it now I feel like something bad is gonna happen. [laughs]

[desert music starts]

NICK: Okay. The ship is locked. You are able to walk up towards this temple. You immediately get that Disney World feel. It looks old, but the way the stones are cut and layered don’t quite look right. As you get close you’re able to reach out and touch the wall and it’s like durasteel layered in stucco instead of the actual stone. It’s very nice, but it’s not authentic necessarily.

LAURA: Xianna has her ear cone up to it and is knocking on it.

LAURA (as Xianna): This is fake. It is fake. Just letting everyone know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, Xianna, that’s not polite.

MEL: Do they do what they do at Disney World? Disney has the smell of cookies that gets thrown into the pathways.

LAURA: Oh, like the smell of sand?

MEL: an old scent of a temple being shot into the room.

LAURA: Oh, like must and old books.

MEL: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK: So it’s like must, old books, but some spices so that it smells intriguing.

[sounds of agreement]

MEL: It gets you in the mood for temples.

NICK: Yeah, not too off-putting.

MEL: [seductively] In the mood for temples.

NICK: Oh yeah.

MEL: [giggles] Ooh~

NICK: You walk into the first antechamber and you can see that there’s a concession stand that’s completely empty and you get a brief, strong sent of baked goods and then as you walk past it goes back to the musty and mysterious spices. You’re able to enter this room. The temple itself is very big, very open. You’re able to go down a spiral staircase very quickly that looks like it might be a queue for a line if there were more people here, like that’s where they would stack up. You come to this extremely large open room, like interior of a dome football stadium with several very large, low polygon count columns tipped at different angles, up through the ceiling. There’s an area in the back where it looks like the roof is fractured and unstable – looks it, probably not – with a little bit of sunlight streaming in. This whole way on the way in you’ve seen different artifacts and things. You’ve seen pieces of lightsaber that don’t necessarily look like lightsaber unless you know what you’re looking at. You’ve seen different Jedi robes. There was a spot that looked like a place where you would bolt a droid to the ground where it could orate, but it’s only a droid from the knees down, like they haven’t finished installing it.

You get to this big room, and on the far wall you see this very ornate but armored Jedi robe that’s got golden shimmering highlights in it, but it looks like battle armor, like in the Clone Wars, the stuff that Obi-Wan wears that has the padding and the plate mixed in, it looks like that but with gold highlights and really cool paint decals and colors and stuff. Then, next to that in a case you see the half cape with the little thong hung on a mannequin that’s right there. The mannequin that it’s hung on looks like it was set up for the reproduction on the other side, so it doesn’t quite fit. There’s leather gloves and stuff on the mannequin where they assumed would stick out of the armor and there isn’t that, so the whole thing is just kind of piecemeal, like it’s still in production. That’s what you can see in the room. What all do you do?

[music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the one on the right looks more like what I was expecting to find.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, none of us were expecting the thong.

CAMERON (as Karma): It was a surprise. It was a pleasant surprise.

HUDSON (as Tink): it was a surprise.

MEL (as Illith): That was a very good butt.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. High-five.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna’s looking at Karma.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, um, are we stealing this…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay good!

MEL (as Illith): Sorry, what did you say?

LAURA: Xianna just immediately starts casing the whole joint.

NICK: Alright. Anybody who is worried about security measures could roll me a Perception check.

CAMERON: Okay. That would be Karma.

LAURA: Perception or Skulduggery, since full casing?

NICK: I would allow a hard Perception check or a daunting Skulduggery check.

LAURA: Flip a light side point.

NICK: Okay. You’re upgrading your Skulduggery there?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Okie-dokie.

HUDSON: I want Perception.

NICK: So many dice.

HUDSON: Hmm… Three failures.

NICK: Great.

HUDSON: I don’t see jack shit.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Tink’s like “This is a big room.” Karma got two successes and one threat.

LAURA: Okay, so a triumph with a success, four more successes, two threats.

MEL: Dope! I’m not even gonna try.

NICK: Wow. Okay. Illith is using their people skills to let people do what they’re good at. Here’s how this goes. Tink goes, “wow, what a wide open room” and just starts to stride across. Karma, you look up and you see that there is a large shape perched on top of one of the pillars. You go “that seems bad,” and you reach out to call to Tink. Xianna, you look and you are immediately looking for tripwires, pressure plates, security systems, cameras, those kind of things. You see a couple of cameras up on the wall. They don’t look much like you’re used to, they’re the kind of models that record archive footage more than a live monitored feed, so you kind of discount those. Then, you look up and you see a large shape on top of a pillar, and you go “that’s not good.” Illith, you go “they seem very capable, I think they got this,” and then about this point Tink is walking towards these robes and a giant… it looks like if a flying fish and a tiger had a baby, comes jumping off of one of these columns.

LAURA: In which–?! In what way?!

CAMERON: What parts of which?!

NICK: I’m getting there. [laughter] So, it’s got massive red and black striped legs with huge claws, and coming out from under each of its legs, kind of in a swept-back Power Rangers robot position are these spiked fins, and the head looks like a catfish if a catfish had giant sabretooth tiger fangs, and it’s all red and black striped and modeled, it blended into the shadows. So, this thing comes jumping off of the pillar and lands on Tink.

[techno music starts]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof!

NICK: Doing… Could you roll me two yellow dice versus an average check? Let’s see how much damage Tink takes, because he got hit by a tiger.

CAMERON: One advantage.

NICK: Taking no damage, great, but you are pinned under this giant tiger thing. I’m gonna need everybody to roll me some Vigilance, because we’re starting combat.

MEL: One success and two advantages, please.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: One success for Xianna, although I would like to say that with that triumph Xianna just very calmly points to Tink and the tiger.

LAURA (as Xianna): Excuse me. There is some sort of creature on top of Tink. I do not think that is normal.

HUDSON: I have a triumph and an additional success.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Karma got two successes.

NICK: Roll me three yellows for this thing’s Vigilance, please.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: What’s hank’s Vigilance?

NICK: Two yellows and two greens.

CAMERON: Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: So it’s gonna go monster, four PC slots, NPC slot, and then four PC slots because Hank went first. Four successes, he had?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Yeah, he’s very good at this. Great. Flying fish tiger goes first, and it rears back, it opens its mouth, and you hear what sounds like a recorded tyrannosaurus rex noise. It doesn’t sound like a monster yelling, it sounds like a monster making a recording of a yelling noise. It comes to just bite Tink’s head off. If you could roll me two yellows again against average again, but flip me a dark side point, would you? So that adds a green. Yeah~

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: You’re gonna take 7 damage, reduce by your Soak though.

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: It just takes a solid bite out of Tink, just right into the shoulder, and shakes it around like a dog that found a small, fuzzy toy, and just latches on. It’s not gonna let go.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not friendly!

NICK (as HK): Enthusiastic chuckle. Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

NICK: Its gun starts to spin up and it just starts shooting everywhere in the room. It’s blasting holes in the side of the walls and everything. Go ahead and roll me his attack. Two yellows and two greens, three purples, y’all are at long range right now.

MEL: How big is this room?

NICK: It’s very big.

CAMERON: Football stadium.

NICK: Yeah, and Tink walked a good ways out. That was that fail thing.

CAMERON: Is he aiming?

NICK: Not for suppressing fire.

CAMERON: [laughs] Well…

NICK: Not so much.

CAMERON: [sigh] I’m sure it’ll be fine. Oh no, it’s not fine. Two failures, one advantage.

NICK: The advantage will give whoever goes next a blue die on their attack, but Hank doesn’t suppressing fire the giant monster very well. Weirdly it doesn’t want to take cover. Go figure.

MEL: Huh.

NICK: Also, you get a sneaking suspicion that Hank is just really enjoying shooting up what they perceive to be an ancient tomb of the Jedi and just having a grand old time. It’s like if you gave somebody a paintball gun and put them in a room of breakables. He’s just having a blast. Up next is gonna be a PC slot.

HUDSON: I wanna get away from it. I have my vibro-axe. I turn it on. Is that enough?

NICK: I mean, you’re still gonna have to jab it or something.

HUDSON: Oh, okay, yeah. I turn on my vibro-axe and just jab upwards.

NICK: Okay. That sounds like a Melee attack, doesn’t it?

HUDSON: Yes, that does sound like a Melee. Four successes.

NICK: Oh geez. How much damage is that?

HUDSON: That’s Brawn +3, so 3+3 is 6 damage, and…

CAMERON: Plus 4.

NICK: Plus the four successes, so 10 damage.

HUDSON: Yeah.

MEL: Brutal.

NICK: That puts you through starship armor sometimes. That’s a lot. You, interestingly—

HUDSON: Kill it?

NICK: Not quite. Interestingly enough, appear to do as much damage as it did to you. You plant this axe blade up under its armpit and jam it in using one hand to leverage it, and a bunch of sparks and stuff go everywhere, and you get another canned t-rex noise scream like this is some sort of animatron for some sort of theme park ride. You are able to—Did you get an advantage?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: [smiling] You’re still stuck, so that’s a bummer. You hurt it real good, but it does not let go and you are still kind of pinned underneath it. It starts leaking some sort of hydraulic fluid everywhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): I am questioning the creative who was in charge of designing this fun theme park ride.

[techno music fades]

MEL (as Illith): Very strange indeed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hmm.

MEL (as Illith): Choices were made.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna take her big gun out and shoot it, because I think it’s another PC slot next.

NICK: Yep, it’s just PC slots for days at this point.

CAMERON: I shoot it with my big gun, and I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Knock yourself out.

CAMERON: I just got three advantages.

NICK: What would you like those advantages to do?

CAMERON: Um… let’s see. I have three. I’ll use one to give whoever goes next a blue die, and then…

HUDSON: I can get up.

CAMERON: …with Hank’s crazy firing some of the ceiling falls and the animatron shifts slightly so that Tink can get up.

NICK: I will let Tink get out of being chewed on but not out of Melee range yet. Does that seem fair?

CAMERON: Oh, that’s fine. Yeah. Still in engaged, but no longer pinned.

NICK: Dramatically scramble away as the power-zord gets distracted.

HUDSON: Wuah~!

NICK: Great. Yeah, the monster is playing y’all for fools. Who’s up next?

MEL: Illith could do some stuff.

NICK: Cool.

MEL: Upon seeing the sparks shower, Illith decides to get a little bit closer.

NICK: That’s a maneuver. That works.

MEL: And quite possibly skirt this automaton as the case may be. How far can Illith get on a maneuver?

NICK: ‘Mechanically,’ if you use a maneuver and burn a strain you could get to medium range with this thing. That’s boring. I don’t wanna do this for six rounds. Are you trying to get to the stuff or are you just trying to flank it?

MEL: I don’t know that Illith has the skill to completely unlock those tubes of clothing, so I don’t know that the goal is to get to it but to get closer to it. I would like to pull a dope move where Illith runs out and does a cartwheel but over the top of this machine and puts their gun to the wound that was already made and fires a stun into the machine.

NICK: That’s super dope.

MEL: I’ll flip something if I have to.

NICK: Yeah, flip a point.

CAMERON: It happens!

MEL: It happens!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, that works. We’ll count that. I just need you to make a ranged attack, but it’s going to be easy because you’re now at close range because you’re doing a dope frontflip over this thing.

MEL: Whoop!

NICK: Also, for the cinematic range, may I suggest that while you’re {cartwheeling} you quickdraw, then shoot it, then put it back.

CAMERON: Yeah~!

MEL: [laughing] yes! I’ve got the quickdraw. Absolutely.

CAMERON: Two successes and an advantage.

NICK: Two successes… What’s a light blaster do? I never remember. Is it 5?

MEL: Five.

CAMERON: Uh, theirs is 6.

NICK: Ooh, I gave you the fancy one.

CAMERON: Because it’s a superior light blaster.

MEL: Muahaha.

NICK: So, that’s important. You have a very fancy custom blaster pistol.

MEL: Mm-hmm!

NICK: Describe Illith’s blaster pistol while I do math.

MEL: Illith’s blaster pistol on the side of the barrel has a pretty lady on one side and a hot guy on the other.

NICK: Nice.

MEL: Both laying in recline. It is a beautiful silver gun with an engraved handle that is wrapped in a very fine leather.

LAURA: Beautiful.

NICK: And you use it to blast into the vibro-axe cut which puts you at an interesting angle because it was kind of underneath, so you’re able to reach forward, shoot, and then land dramatically. I’m assuming you do the three-point anime land and skid.

MEL: Oh, yeah no. The cartwheel starts and then as they’re about to flip off that’s when they quickdraw, shoot from behind, because they’re able to get under the armpit from behind, put it back, and then yeah, like a Naruto skid behind it.

NICK: Nice. Damn, that’s cool.

MEL: [giggles]

NICK: You see the blaster shot ricochet around on the inside a little bit and one of the eyes flickers out on this thing. You have, um… It’s not happy. It’s not having a good day. It tries to do the canned tyrannosaurus rex roar thing at you, but there’s a spark that comes out of its mouth and you just get (meow).

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: We’re to another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna looks at all of this.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think they have this under control.

LAURA: And walks over to the box with the thong in it.

NICK: Okay. You can get to the box, because I’ve decided that this room is big for set piece purposes but not mechanically, because spending your whole turn doing movement is boring. So, you are there. What are you doing to the box?

LAURA: In the Skulduggery check I had done, did I see anything, pressure plates on the thing, am I gonna have to switch it out with an equally weighted bag or something?

NICK: Oh yeah, 100%. It appears as though there is some sort of pressure-activated something.

LAURA: Okay. During the move Xianna is gonna start taking things out of her pockets which appears to mostly be granola bars and bantha cakes that are the disposable items willing to get rid of in addition to some grenades I guess. Gonna start taking out the granola bars and doing the holding them in the hand and weighing them, like setting some aside and putting some in a different pile.

NICK: It’s exactly the scene from Indiana Jones, but in the background people are fighting this giant robotic monster and getting slapped around and screaming.

LAURA: She’s yelling over her shoulder.

LAURA (as Xianna): I believe in all of you. You absolutely have this one. Good job.

HUDSON: So we get a blue die?

CAMERON: We get Bardic Inspiration for that, right?

NICK: We’ll see.

LAURA: Bardic Inspiration for everyone! I don’t think thieves can give Bardic Inspiration, but…

NICK: Interestingly enough, that is one of the skills in the Charmer talent tree. They can do that.

MEL: Muahaha.

NICK: Great. Are you trying to make this thing happen?

LAURA: Yeah. Is that another Skulduggery?

NICK: Yeah, that would be Skulduggery. This one’s hard. Flip me a dark side point.

LAURA: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to swap it out. You move so quickly you’re able to jam the granola bars into the places where the cape holds and they stick, like you had it just right. I’m gonna let your advantage be that you look up and you see a giant, very heavy and real-looking boulder suspended above this case as though if you had failed this check you would have been chased by a giant boulder across the arena.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: You see that. It does wiggle a little bit. There’s a moment where you think that this boulder is gonna come out of its boulder hole, but it doesn’t.

MEL: Boulder hole.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna stops and looks up at this boulder hole filled with a boulder.

LAURA (as Xianna): What… the fuck? What the fuck, Kettle? The fuck.

LAURA: Then also takes the IOU from her pocket and sticks it to the front of the case, but I’m assuming with a piece of chewing gum kind of style.

NICK: Yup. You got this cape and this thong. Do you throw the cape over a shoulder to keep track of it, or tuck it into  your coat?

LAURA: Oh, it goes into the pockets immediately.

NICK: Hmm. Interesting. Okay.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: It appears to be cloth.

LAURA: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: Yup. We are back up to the monster slot, and it decides to sprint at Xianna and ignore Tink, because Xianna went over to the thing it was guarding. I need you to roll me an attack, please, yup.

CAMERON: Two successes, one threat.

NICK: That does 8 damage to you as it just tackles you from behind and smashes you into a wall.

LAURA: [whining] I am so small. I only have seven toes and I am so small.

[laughter]

NICK: You take a solid hit. If one were to quantify how game for a fight you were you might say it was reduced by 50%. This monster is making slavering, scary, rabid monster noises but very canned and it is not {humid} at all because it’s an automaton. And we’re to a Hank slot. He just- Flip me another dark side point. Do I have any more?

CAMERON: You have two more.

NICK: Yeah. Hank is still shooting the walls. He’s just distracted. He’s just spinning in circles yelling.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

CAMERON (as Karma): [heavy sigh]

LAURA: Just in the background.

LAURA (as Xianna): Haaank!

CAMERON (as HK): I am helping.

NICK: I think at this point he is writing Hank in one of the walls in blaster bolts, like when you get bored playing Halo. He’s out of this. Up next is a PC slot.

MEL: Illith being somewhat closer than everyone else to Xianna right now calls out.

MEL (as Illith): Xianna, he’ll leave you alone if you pass it to me. I just want to keep you safe, dear.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Look, it went into a pocket. I have no idea which pocket it went into~!

MEL (as Illith): You can either throw it to me or throw me the entire jacket, but we have to get it away from you, dear. You’re looking quite bad.

LAURA (as Xianna): I can’t throw you the jacket!

NICK: I really want a contested Charm check on this one. You spent the trip bonding with Illith at this point. I think you’re kinda susceptible to this. Normally I’m not one for contested Charm rolls to make things happen, but this is Illith’s whole jam, so.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: And you are so small, and so injured.

LAURA: [whining] I am so small, and so hurt.

NICK: Also, you probably had a blue die, because to add to your persuasion there’s a giant robotic tiger fish attacking Xianna at this time.

MEL: Legit. Illith is also going to use Congenial, because they’ve done their best to be a friend thus far and proven helpful, took all of you guys despite not knowing you to this planet.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: I mean, also you’re hot.

MEL: I mean… yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah.

MEL: So, they’re gonna suffer one strain to reduce that difficulty by one die.

NICK: Oh man. Oh man!

CAMERON: So it’s one purple. [laughs]

LAURA: Part of me was like “maybe you don’t have to roll, I’ll just give this to you,” but that’s a lot of dice and I wanna see what happens.

MEL: That’s a triumph.

CAMERON: So, one success, five advantages, and a triumph.

LAURA: What if Xianna just takes the whole coat off? [laughs]

NICK: Okay. I like where this is going, because you’re literally being talked out of your clothes.

MEL: MUAHAHA!

CAMERON: That sounds like a triumph!

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: That sounds like a triumph. It’s almost faster to just take the whole coat off, and that’s when you learn that it has the pull-apart buttons. “Has it always had that?” Tosses the coat. You see that Xianna’s completely naked.

[laughter]

MEL: [claps]

LAURA: All she has on now is her knee-high, black, snakeskin boots, and you can see on her very, very high upper thigh is the pin-up girl from the Afternoon Delight, and everyone can see that as Xianna moves that the pin-up girl’s legs are kicking up and down as she flexes.

MEL: Fuck.

[laughter]

NICK: Gonna be honest. Didn’t expect that result. I like that result. Didn’t expect that result. I think with that many freaking advantages and successes and triumphs that the monster, after it slams you into the wall, it’s not so much trying to kill you as get to the cape, so in the process of it trying to get at your coat, which is confusing and it’s not very smart, it is an animatron, it would normally recite part of the Oath of Presidential Office or something, like the Hall of Presidents, but you’re able to tear the coat off and throw it as it’s trying to scrabble at you, and we get the zoomed in shot of a well-manicured and shapely Chiss hand catching the coat out of the air. I guess now it’s another PC slot. And Xianna is very naked.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna rush over and shoot it.

NICK: Okay. Point blank, action hero style?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Are you going to do a baseball slide and shoot it underneath while sliding?

CAMERON: Yes, obviously.

NICK: Full auto.

CAMERON: Obviously. So, if I’m underneath it, what’s the difficulty?

NICK: We’ll say it’s short range, because it’s tall, so one.

CAMERON: Okay, so just one?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m not gonna aim, because I ran.

NICK: Fourteen advantages.

CAMERON: Well yes, but also… three successes, five advantages. I’d like to crit.

NICK: The damage is enough to kill it. Do you want the crit to be that it dies super dramatically in some way? Do you wanna just describe how you overkill this thing?

CAMERON: Yeah. Karma action hero slides underneath it, shoots up into its stomach, the blast from the blaster – that’s a weird sentence – shooting up into its chest knocks it back so it’s rearing back on its hind legs, and then it just kind of freezes and electricity goes all over it for a second, and then it just falls over to the side.

NICK: Very Star Wars.

CAMERON: And crashes.

NICK: And the head rolls off and you hear (meow) and the lights go out.

HUDSON: I take my vibro-axe, go over,, cut the head in half just in case.

NICK: As you start to hit it, it looks like it’s gonna bite you and then it’s split in half. It’s just all gears. It’s surprisingly analog looking on the inside. We’ve got Karma, Tink and Xianna over by the wall. Xianna is naked and probably heavily bruised from running into a wall by a giant robot. What’s Illith up to?

MEL: She gone.

NICK: She gone?

[laughter]

MEL: Illith, the moment they got the jacket, I mean, as anyone would do, started backing away from this mechanical beast because they now have the object of desire. Illith has run towards the entrance and is probably half way up.

NICK: I mean, you could be completely gone. They just see your boots disappearing up the stairs.

MEL: A poof?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, a cloud slightly in the shape of Illith where Illith was standing a moment ago.

MEL: Yeah, like “fuck this monster.”

NICK: Illith is up the stairs and gone, and we get the shot of the crew of the Afternoon Delight all simultaneously looking to where Illith was and just seeing a boot disappearing up the spiral staircase. What does the Afternoon Delight crew do at this point?

LAURA (as Xianna): Do they have a ship here? Otherwise, where are they going?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, but they have all of your shit.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes. Literally, they have everything I own for the most part. They have my coat…

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, go catch them! You’re so good at running.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire! Suppressing fire!

CAMERON (as Karma): Stop! HK, dear lord.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): They have my binders, and my grenades, and my gun, and the thong, and… shit! All of my drugs are in there! Fuck!

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Starts sprinting that way, full pace, booking it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, can you grab that other outfit? Thank you. [fading] Bye~

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Everything is booby-trapped!

CAMERON (as Karma): Watch out, there’s rocks in the ceiling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Everything’s rocks around here.

NICK: [smiling] And we cut to outside. Illith, you are standing in this open field, and inside of the fence perimeter from where you’re standing you can see the two guards looking up and just the slickest speeder is coming down from orbit. It’s like a two-seater fighter ship but tricked out for luxury, but still with weapons, just top-notch. There’s an Arcona pilot wearing sunglasses that also go partially up their V-shaped head.

MEL: Oh, they’re so cool.

[oohing]

LAURA: Ooh! It’s like, uh…

MEL: What’s that fucking show?

NICK: Gurren Lagann?

MEL: It’s Gurren Lagann sunglasses.

LAURA: Ohh!

NICK: But it actually follows the contours of their face so it looks really good.

MEL: It’s perfect.

NICK: They have a cape, obviously.

MEL: Obviously.

NICK: They land. They’re not wearing a shirt, but they do have really stylish bandoliers. They land, and the door pops up like a Lamborghini door.

NICK (as Arcona): Illith, looks like you could use a ride.

MEL (as Illith): Hello, love~

NICK (as Arcona): Good to see you. Did you get what you were looking for?

MEL: I want Illith to hold up the jacket, use their laser eyes to find what they’re looking for.

[laughter]

NICK: I think you’re surprised. You hold up the jacket, use your infra-vision, and can’t see through the jacket, like it’s shielded or something…

MEL (as Illith): Ugh.

NICK: …but then you are able to reach out, as though guided by some mysterious force of some kind, immediately are able to pull out the thong and the cape in one hand, and I guess drop the coat in a pool at your feet?

MEL: Yes. Illith also drops a small data pad that offers the coordinates to a pod that holds the extraordinarily bright outfit and a link to a bank account with 101,069 Credits.

NICK: Oh, my game balance.

LAURA: Yes!

[laughter]

NICK: Thank you, Mel.

MEL: Mm-hmm.

NICK: We’ll have to figure that one out. I’ll do that later.

NICK (as Arcona): You know, there was no need to do that.

NICK: You sit in and the door slams shut, and you just go straight up. This pilot is a hotshot.

MEL (as Illith): I’m a person of my word.

MEL: This Arcona is definitely one of Illith’s lovers. They just pop a little kiss on their cheek as the ship rockets into the sky.

NICK: Seeing an Arcona blush while flying a ship at like 18 Gs is an interesting color spectrum that I’ll let you picture yourself, and they’re gone in the Team Rocket star in the sky, just out of it. We get Xianna, followed reasonably close by Karma, running up to the puddle of your coat in the desert. Also, pretty warm, a lot of sun going on at this point. You are from a desert planet.

LAURA: If this is a hot, dry, desert planet it does not affect me. That’s literally one of my things, that I get to ignore hot, arid conditions or something because born on a desert planet.

NICK: Does Xianna have really interesting tan lines from her time on the beach in her designer bathing suit?

LAURA: I mean, do we think all alien species tan?

CAMERON: Do you tan a darker purple?

LAURA: Do I tan a darker purple?

NICK: I think, in my professional opinion of gaming within a canon, this is one of those gray areas where we can make a decision. [mouth click]

LAURA: I would say yes. She is a slightly darker purple, and it’s a very weird crisscross design because the suit was so strappy, and the moment she gets to the coat just starts flying through those pockets making sure everything she cares about is there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The two binders are here! Okay. My surveillance tagger is here. Okay. My gun! My gun, okay. I got one, two, okay nine… eleven, okay. All my drugs are here. I think I have everything.

LAURA: Turns around putting the coat back on.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay Karma. They did not take anything, besides the thong and whatever that cape was, but you know, um… actually that was important, wasn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): I did ask Tink to grab the other outfit that looked more official, so maybe if we just don’t say anything Sentinel will just go with that one and hopefully that’s the actual real one, and maybe it’s just missing a little bit of fabric that was used for the cape and the thong.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I’m still going to leave the IOU and maybe that will make Kettle not mad at us.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems appropriate.

NICK: As Xianna is affixing her coat, we see in the background the two guards just staring wide-eyed at the situation. The taller one elbows the shorter one and they turn around and snap back to attention. We also hear a rumbling coming from the temple and we see Hank and Tink dive up the stairs as a big poof of dust comes out of the staircase that they were running up and you see a giant boulder that’s slammed into the wall.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna’s shaking her head in disappointment.

LAURA (as Xianna): I fucking warned them about the boulder.

CAMERON (as Karma): We told them about the boulder. We did all we could.

LAURA (as Xianna): Let’s go back to the ship.

CAMERON: Do they have the armor with them, though?

NICK: Yes, they have it.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: HK slaps his hands together like they’re wiping off dust.

NICK (as HK): I was surprised at the velocity from that boulder hole.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I ain’t never seen a boulder hole like that in my entire life.

NICK: [smiling] And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [giggling into hands] Oh no.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 48 KissyChissy

PDF download: Episode 48 KissyChissy

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 48:
#KissyChissy

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

If you’re wondering what the squad has been up to this holiday season, I can give you a hint. We’ve been making and editing a TON of content for Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer on our Patreon. If you’ve been wondering how to support us or just want more of that good, good Tabletop Squadron content you should check it out. We’ve got bonus adventures, some gosh darn good bloopers, and even a whole side show where Laura and Hudson watch the Mandalorian and talk about it. Thank you to all our patrons who are already there. We really appreciate your support for the show.

I want to once again give a shout out to our guest star and friend of the show, Mel D’Amato, for being on our podcast. This episode is called #KissyChissy, which is a label of their own creation, and I absolutely love it. If you like what Mel does, you can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Music this week is Atlantica by Speed Limit 35 and Heartbreaking by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello again, everyone. This episode doesn’t have the usual around the table intro because of the way everything came together in post, so here we are. This is Episode 3 of the Illith arc, Episode 48 total. Going around the table we have Cameron playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, Hudson playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, Laura playing Xianna, a Twi’lek smuggler, and Mel D’Amato, our guest today, is playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss fashion rogue and all around flirt. If you like what Mel brings to the table they work really regularly with the One Shot Network and you can find them on Twitter at @melerella. Okay, now we’ll get back into it.

NICK: So, when we last left off from where this is going to start, you all had just lost the bidding for the cape. You met up with Illith and had a nice conversation outside about how it would probably be good to work together and you decided to go on the Afternoon Delight. You’re heading to Chandrila II to where a mysterious business person had rebuilt basically an ancient Jedi tomb and you’re going to try to steal the cape, and Illith offered you quite a bit of money.

MEL: 101,069 Credits.

CAMERON: –69 Credits.

NICK: Yep. Nice.

MEL: Yep. That I remember, not a planet name.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: I have that one in my notes, too.

NICK: Of course.

MEL: Vital information.

NICK: We see the ship taking off into space. As it snaps into hyperspace we see Karma turn around in the captain’s chair and head back to the rest of the group. What are you all doing?

LAURA: Xianna’s immediately gonna get into the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. Talk about what that’s gonna look like from Illith’s perspective who doesn’t even know that big circular thing in the middle is a hot tub.

LAURA: Xianna walks in, presses a few buttons, and then walks away into her bedroom. While she’s in her bedroom the hot tub raises up out of the floor, the lid opens up, and the jets come on. I’m sure there’s fun, colorful lights.

[bubbling jets start]

CAMERON: Mood music.

LAURA: Mood music starts playing. It’s lovely.

MEL: Excellent. Illith paused the moment they got on the ship and just kind of took it all in.

[bubbling stops]

NICK: It’s a lot.

MEL: Yeah…

NICK: [laughs] Tink, are you in the main room as the hot tub is powering on?

HUDSON: I was actually in my room, and I come out in swim trunks and adult bath toys. Now, let me explain. [laughter] These are not sexy adult bath toys, they’re adult action figures that are not for children. I’d bought them from a store, and I was like are these for children, and they told me no.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] I feel like this is not improving any as you’re talking.

HUDSON: And so, it’s like some Jedi action figures, and a loth-cat action figure, and…

CAMERON: A giant rubber duck.

HUDSON: Okay, yes, the rubber duck is there, but it’s not like a child’s rubber duck, because it’s black and has horns.

NICK: Obviously.

CAMERON: Yup.

LAURA: Xianna walks back out of her bedroom with a big towel wrapped around her.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ugh. Tink, you cannot bring those into the hot tub.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LAURA (as Xianna): Because they have tiny little parts. That is why they are not for children is their little, tiny parts that they might eat, and they will get in the hot tub and plug up the holes and then make no bubbles. I want the bubbles.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure only a few of them have small pieces. The rubber duck certainly doesn’t. It’ll just float. It’s designed for the bath.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The rubber duck can go in the hot tub, but the other ones with the little pieces cannot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. I will pretend that the Jedi are riding the rubber duck all the way to the hot tub, and then they jump off dramatically and the duck is the only one who gets in.

NICK: As Tink is walking with the things across, the Jedi is just shedding lightsaber hilts and little ball bearings and things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

MEL: Illith gently walks past all of these tiny footfalls, god forbid they step on one and die on a Lego as the case may be, and starts to circle this hot tub and check it out.

LAURA: Yeah. The hot tub is in a nice little lounge area and there’s lots of seating. There is also a dryer. It comes out of the floor, and it’s just a big box that shoots air around in it, and we put Tink in it to dry him off and all of his hair.

HUDSON: It works really well.

MEL: Is it like that mall tornado recreator thing that kids put money in?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: Basically, yes.

MEL: Okay. Dope.

NICK: But heated, like you would use on a dog.

LAURA: And you have to put on ear protectors.

MEL: [snickers] Okay!

[laughter]

LAURA: Yep, it’s gotten weird.

NICK: Okay, so we have Xianna with a big towel, we’ve got Tink having formerly a bunch of adult bath toys and approaching the tub. Karma, I think you get everything squared away and you’re entering at about this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, is it hot tub time?

LAURA (as Xianna): It is always hot tub time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you look at the clock it doesn’t say so, because it’s not a hot tub clock, but you could assume it’s hot tub time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Thank you for that explanation. Illith, do you wish to partake in the hot tub?

MEL (as Illith): Um… Sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): We have a costume closet that I’m sure has swimsuits.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, that won’t be necessary.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Okay.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Why would you need a swimsuit?

LAURA: Already in the hot tub, towel’s on the side, doesn’t seem like they’re wearing a swimsuit.

CAMERON (as Karma): I just don’t want to assume anyone’s comfort level.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I guess that is a proper thing to do.

MEL: Illith continues to circle the hot tub, but now after observing the behavior of everyone else begins to unfasten bits of clothing as they go.

CAMERON: Karma walks over to a wall panel, presses it, and it pops open. She takes out a couple of extra towels, closes the panel back up, sets the towels on the corner of the hot tub, walks into her room to go change into her swimsuit.

LAURA: Xianna leans out the side.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma! Karma… When you are done, can you bring us some snacks, please?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah! I want a bantha cake.

CAMERON (as Karma): [reluctantly] Sure~

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Great. I am just already wet and I do not want to get it all over the food.

MEL (as Illith): Are there any drinks on this ship?

NICK: The camera dramatically pans to the full wet bar that is in this main living area, and then snap focuses down the hallway to another full bar that is not that far away. Illith, to your practiced party eye, I imagine that you have like Knowledge: Partying as a skill, yeah?

MEL: Yeah, absolutely.

NICK: To your practiced eye, this is a bar that has not only, like, after a party when most of it has been drank, this is like after the party and the person who lives at the house went through and drank most of their favorite things over the course of a couple of weeks afterwards. So, there’s empty bottles. At least once you go “Ooh! Tatooine tequila—Oh, that’s empty. That’s not helpful.” But there is enough, if you get creative, to make some pretty good drinks still, and then a surprising array of mixers. Pretty much any mixer you would want is there, just the actual liquor is running kind of low.

MEL: [chuckles] I think Illith is very creative and comes up with a lovely little cocktail. Actually, probably a close approximation to what they had at the show just probably without the edible flowers.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, that’s impressive for sure.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, sorry about that. We have not had a lot of time to restock. We have been… working. [huffs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll admit that I ate most of the edible flowers.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): He did.

HUDSON (as Tink): We were out of other snacks at the time.

LAURA (as Xianna): We still have a whole case of bantha cakes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I mean, yeah… I just wasn’t in the mood.

MEL (as Illith): Sometimes you want to eat healthy, dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Flowers are… healthier than bantha cakes.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, probably, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): I rest my case.

NICK (as HK): Statement: Tink hid all of the whole wheat bantha cakes behind the garbage disposal.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] Tink, is this true?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nark!

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as HK): Assessment: My behavior is nark-like.

LAURA (as Xianna): Actually Hank, you should not be a nark, that is bad. But also, maybe take the whole wheat bantha cakes out and put them back in a cabinet.

NICK (as HK): Command ignored by secondary user. Primary motivation changed. Nark protocol disabled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just remember this, Hank. Snitches get whatever the droid equivalent of stitches is.

NICK (as HK): Colloquialism: Snitches get welding patterns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. That’s what I’ll use next time.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, it’s close enough I think.

NICK: Hank wanders off. He goes away. [laughter] He goes to go find whole wheat bantha cakes somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m glad everyone forgot about that.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): What do you mean? It just happened.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… Let’s talk about something else.

LAURA (as Xianna): Why do you have so many toys?

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a very active imagination.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, there is a lot there that we can do. Oh, where do we even start with that one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if you really wanna get into my head here, there is these Jedis, and I have little custom capes for them that I bought like as bonus accessories because I wanted them to represent different planets.

LAURA (as Xianna): yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): So rather than fighting the Sith, these Jedi warriors go and fight pollution and other types of—

NICK: I think we can pan away from the continued explanation at that point.

[laughter]

HUDSON: You know what, fade me out and just go.

CAMERON: We get a fade out to Karma walking back into the room wearing a swimsuit. She has a tray full of a wide array of drinks and snacks and popsicles on ice, and it’s on a floater so she comes and floats it into the middle of the hot tub.

NICK: Which is very large I guess, because it’s big enough for between three and seven people and a tray of floating snacks.

CAMERON: Obviously, yes. That’s why it has to retract into the floor, because it just takes up so much space.

LAURA: If you say that this drawing is proportional, the hot tub is bigger than a king size bed.

NICK: That’s a pretty good sized hot tub.

CAMERON: [laughs] It’s a swimming pool. It’s just a hot tub swimming pool.

LAURA: It’s not that much smaller than the cockpit either.

MEL: It’s like an onsen, with jets.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: It’s like one of those pools that the elderly people use to swim against a single current.

MEL: I think as Karma walks back into the room Illith has poured as much alcohol into a pitcher as they could. They found the alcohol with the highest amount left and then poured in mixers until it didn’t taste like shit, just made a big pitcher of it, and placed it on the floating thing that floats by so that it floats into the middle of the hot tub. By that point Illith has shed essentially all clothing and is now climbing into the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds resume]

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: Xianna’s grabbed a handful of snacks off the tray and is leaning outside of the hot tub a bit and kind of taking little chunks off the snacks and throwing them into the carpet near vents and then just making little (mouth clicking/animal coaxing noises) “come here” sounds.

NICK: You get no loth-rat. Loth-rat hiding… while you’re looking. Bum-bum-bum…

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re making a mess.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Uh, maybe, but it will not be a mess later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. If you’re gonna vacuum I’m not gonna complain.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m not gonna vacuum.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why are you throwing—Oh! Creamsicle? You think Creamsicle’s gonna eat all that?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! Or Hank. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s not going to be Hank.

[bubbling stops]

NICK: From far away you hear:

NICK (as HK): Explanatory Statement: I do not eat, being a droid.

NICK: So, we have the entire crew sitting in the hot tub. Xianna, when you look away from your snack tossing, when you look back sometimes there are bits and pieces missing.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] I knew it!

[bubbling sounds resume]

NICK: The water is bubbling warmly, caressing your skin. It’s pretty relaxing after this stressful situation, and it’s the four of you hanging out and eating snacks and drinking highly alcoholic beverages. You can hear the cheerful clinking of glasses and things from the other side of the ship as Hank does, something, from the kitchen, and you have some time. It’s gonna be quite a while before the ship gets where you’re going.

MEL (as Illith): How on earth did you all come in to have this ship? Do you own it? Is it yours?

LAURA (as Xianna): No. Someone gave it to us.

MEL (as Illith): Just handed it to you?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah! They just gave it to us.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like a signing bonus for a job.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well yeah, we do work for them, so technically I guess this is like our company ship, but I mean, I don’t think they want it back.

MEL (as Illith): Did it look like this when you got it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, for the most part it already looked like this. We did get it repainted at one point.

MEL (as Illith): I assume the outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): On the outside, though.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, the outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we haven’t touched the inside. This is all original, I assume.

MEL (as Illith): Mmm.

MEL: How high onto the walls does the shag carpeting go? I need this for visualization purposes.

[laughter]

LAURA: It definitely goes at least a foot or two.

MEL: Oof, okay.

CAMERON: And it’s really plush shag carpeting.

MEL: Are there mirrors everywhere?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Oh yeah. Many of the bedrooms have mirrored ceilings. At least one bedroom has a disco ball, clap-on clap-off lights, some of the beds are circular and do rotate.

NICK: And are maybe leopard print.

LAURA: And a lot of the walls are velvet.

MEL: Beautiful.

MEL (as Illith): Tell me a bit about your ship. This is quite the interesting vessel you have.

HUDSON (as Tink): You want a tour of my room after this.

MEL (as Illith): Assuming it’s on a grander tour with everyone else present, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, it would just be everyone. I mean, they’ve seen it before, but they could come again.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna does start laughing.

MEL: There’s definitely a snicker from Illith.

HUDSON: I am oblivious.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, this is our ship. It is the Afternoon Delight. As you can see we have a hot tub and shag carpeting, and disco balls. That is fun.

MEL (as Illith): What on earth was its purpose before this?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a pleasure yacht.

LAURA (as Xianna): A party ship. I think there is a button that if you press it does start playing music throughout the entire ship and sets off fireworks.

CAMERON (as Karma): With the amount of mostly empty alcohol bottles that were here when we acquired the ship, I would say mostly partying was its previous job.

LAURA (as Xianna): There is a sex room.

CAMERON (as Karma): That too.

MEL (as Illith): I’m sorry, what?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know exactly where it is, and it’s very confusing, but then again I have not been in like half of the rooms in this ship so I might just forgotten where it was.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it does seem to move.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, it might actually move, but last time I found it, you know, some swings and some racks, and a very large assortment of face masks, and a whole row of whips. Yes. It’s exactly what you are thinking.

MEL (as Illith): Absolutely fascinating, and you say it moves?

LAURA (as Xianna): Pretty sure, or I have just forgotten entirely where it is, which does happen sometimes because of the alcohol or drugs.

MEL (as Illith): I’d be fascinated to test that theory. I’d love to see it move. Should we try?

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Oh, I thought you meant me get high and see if I can then find the sex room.

MEL (as Illith): Oh no, we… Well, a little of column A, a little of column B, why don’t we?

LAURA (as Xianna): Maybe it’s one of those things where I cannot find it again sober. That memory is solely tied to being inebriated.

CAMERON: [laughs]

MEL (as Illith): I mean, fair enough. Life is difficult enough as it is.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I am going to test this out whether or not anyone else does.

LAURA: Just reaches into the hot tub and from almost nowhere pulls out a full bottle of alcohol.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was that in the hot tub?

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes! This is the one I keep in the hot tub.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you storing alcohol in the hot tub?

LAURA (as Xianna): Because then it’s where I need it. It’s just here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, I can’t fault your logic, but isn’t it hot?

LAURA (as Xianna): Well yes, but it is some sort of cinnamon based drink so it’s kind of okay hot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay…

LAURA (as Xianna): It is nice.

CAMERON (as Karma): You do you. Whatever. That’s fine.

MEL (as Illith): Live your best life, dear.

LAURA (as Xianna): I am trying.

NICK: There’s definitely a little plastic frog-looking creature floating in the bottle of alcohol, like that’s their thing.

LAURA: Oh yeah. There’s gotta be something floating around in that bottle.

HUDSON: I think it’s called Fire Fog.

NICK: [laughs]

MEL: Does it give off a fog when you open it?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Yes.

MEL: Hell yeah.

LAURA: There’s a little bit of a fog. Xianna takes a few swigs from it and then offers it up to the rest of the group.

LAURA (as Xianna): Does anyone else want some? No?

HUDSON (as Tink): I maintain a straightedge lifestyle, so I cannot take place.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good with this trash can punch that Illith came up with.

[giggling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Cool. Okay, I will put it back.

LAURA: Screws on the top and sinks it back into the hot tub and it disappears.

MEL (as Illith): That’s awfully heavy to have air in it and it doesn’t float in the hot tub.

LAURA (as Xianna): It kind of just stays in the middle? I don’t know how it works, but it just sort of floats exactly in the middle of the hot tub, every time.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s pretty much magnetism.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t… I don’t know if that is correct.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s why it always goes to the middle.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ohh! Sure.

NICK: We cut away to an alcohol commercial of two really tall tree-looking people. “Fire Fog, dense as a thousand suns.”

[laughter]

MEL: Illith takes a long swig of a cup of the, god, the monstrosity in the jug in the middle of the hot tub.

MEL (as Illith): Right. Shall we then?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie!

CAMERON (as Karma): Cheers!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m happy to provide some fist bumps in lieu of alcohol.

CAMERON (as Karma): I brought apple juice for you, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s in this thermos.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): [giggling] You’re welcome.

LAURA (as Xianna): So, Illith.

MEL (as Illith): Yes?

LAURA (as Xianna): What is your deal? Just what is it, in general?

MEL (as Illith): Ah… In general? I’d say I’m a bit like you all. I follow the money and go where I need to go to work.

HUDSON (as Tink): That kinda sounds like us, actually. You hit the nail on the head. I mean, I have further hopes and dreams than that, but for right now that’s where my life is.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): I am mostly about making money, so that describes me pretty well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m just kind of reliving being a mom at the moment and having a lot of flashbacks to that. I’m not working this job for money. I have found new children that need my help.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma manages to give Tink and Xianna a look that’s equal parts judgmental and protective.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ey, I resent that. I already have a mother, pretty sure. I mean I had one at some point.

CAMERON (as Karma): You definitely would have.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, not necessarily. I had one at one point, but you know, then she was carried off by stormtroopers, so I don’t really know anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what happened to my parents! They were taken away too.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] Did you also have to hide in a kitchen cabinet while stormtroopers barged into your house? And you had to take your sister into the cabinets and hide? And then your mother was arrested and taken away to never be seen again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not all of that, but…

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): I definitely hid.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well that is what happened to mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LAURA (as Xianna): And now I am here! Many years later, but you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. I’m not gonna rustle up this memory right now in my head. I’m enjoying this apple juice way too much to be doing that.

[laughter]

MEL: Illith, hearing all that, they look a little stormy themself and kind of stare into the middle distance.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve seen that stare before. You’re thirsty.

[laughter]

MEL (as Illith): Hmm. Um…

LAURA (as Xianna): Or possibly constipated. Or both.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, could be both.

LAURA (as Xianna): Or also parent problems.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, probably all of the above at this point. The hors d’oeuvres at that party weren’t very good.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, that is why I did not eat them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m with you. I ate some.

MEL (as Illith): I regret it terribly.

MEL: Illith takes another big sip and finishes a glass and then reaches for more.

CAMERON: Karma eats a grape. I assume there’s grapes.

[laughter]

LAURA: Yeah, because Xianna’s taken another handful and is back to throwing food out into the shag carpeting.

LAURA (as Xianna): Don’t worry, karma, it is going to get picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. If I step on a grape though, I’m gonna be real upset, Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): I think if you stepped where a grape is the shag carpeting would protect both the grape and your foot. It is a very plush carpeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fair. Good point.

LAURA (as Xianna): You would never know.

MEL: Illith turns around and faces out from everyone else in the hot tub and watches the snacks in the carpet. How deep is the shag?

LAURA: Oh, it’s DEEP.

NICK: It’s pretty bad. It’s between three and five inches of shag. It’s a lot.

MEL: I think Illith sees a little paw reach up and snag a grape and yank it under, like a little shag shark.

[laughter]

NICK: For sure.

MEL: They take another sip.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, I do also have some “parent problems,” and it did also involve stormtroopers as the case may be. My parents were military. I grew up in a very strict home. If you know anything about Chiss culture, which I assume you know at least a little, they are very strict and I was not what they would call a star pupil. When my parents left to serve, I was left behind, so instead I learned how to live by myself and left by myself, so it might have not been quite the tragedy, no stolen hearts or anything like that, but abandonment, things of that nature.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, it still fucking sucks.

HUDSON (as Tink): We should start a club, get jackets.

CAMERON: Karma just hands everybody a cookie.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): So, just like, I have parental issues club?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, pretty much. We can work through it together. You know, I want an excuse to get jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

NICK: HK walks through the room.

NICK (as HK): Postulation: The IHPI Club, “I happy.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Actually, that is not a bad idea, Hank. Thank you for that one. We can make jackets and then we can become a gang! [gasps] Ooh!

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if we’re channeling this in the right way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. It is most certainly not, but I think it would be a wonderful creative outlet. We can make patches, and style our jackets, and we can come up with cool nicknames, and then stab people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, I was 100% there with you until the stabbing people. Depending on the people, actually. Let me rephrase that.

LAURA (as Xianna): You carry swords around and stab people!

CAMERON (as Karma): I know, which is why I backed off of that statement. I’m 100% down for picking up some denim jackets on our next stop and getting a bedazzler.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t want a denim one, I want a leather one. It is black and cool and has studs on it.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, most definitely leather.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you gonna wear it over your other jacket?

LAURA (as Xianna): I will wear it over my other jacket and I will get cool patches for it, and [gasps] we can put the name of our ship on it, and we can get the pin-up girl on it too, and I’ll put my girlfriend’s name on it, and I {can turn it into a patch and thread and put it on there}, and then we can put safety pins in it!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s edgy. That’s real edgy. I’m into that.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA (as Xianna): Like I said, we are going to be a gang now, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. I got my gang name.

CAMERON (as Karma): What’s your gang name? I’m scared to find out.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s 2Scoop.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why…?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the right amount of ice cream when I eat ice cream… that I enjoy.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): I think some people are going to take that to mean something very different, but it works both ways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LAURA: Xianna jumps out of the hot tub.

CAMERON: We’ve established that we have all of the short, silk Empire robes that we got as gifts.

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: I’m gonna retcon and say that those were stacked out right outside the hot tub.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: We have them hanging next to the dryer.

NICK: They’re always available for whoever uses the hot tub.

LAURA: Xianna jumps out of the hot tub, grabs one, puts it on.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] I am going to check the costume room to see if we have jackets! Does anyone else want a jacket in case we want to start a gang?

MEL (as Illith): Oh, jackets!

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink~?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll go with you. I might want to see some jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Karma, I actually don’t know what your situation with your parents, if you have them, are. I don’t know if you can be a part of this club or not.

CAMERON (as Karma): How about I’m the teacher sponsor for this club.

LAURA (as Xianna): That is not how gangs work.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): A lot of gangs have a motherly figure who makes them cookies and treats and meals.

LAURA (as Xianna): The gang matriarch!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LAURA (as Xianna): You will be the matriarch of our gang, and we will come to you with our problems, and you will feed us and tell us we are stupid.

CAMERON (as Karma): That all seems like things I could do.

LAURA (as Xianna): Great. Okay. let’s go find the… Does anyone know where the costume room is?

CAMERON (as Karma): yes, I know where the costume room is. It’s down this way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay!

CAMERON: Cue adventure! [laughs]

NICK: We get this scene of Xianna taking off, Tink quickly going after, Karma getting up and grabbing a robe and putting it on, and Illith sitting with their arms draped over the hot tub just kinda watching the retreating figures, because that was abrupt. Illith, do you follow them? What do you do?

MEL: Oh absolutely. Illith reaches back, grabs the whole pitcher, and then slips on a kimono and just loosely ties it in a precarious way.

LAURA: Xianna’s doing the best flight attendant motions.

LAURA (as Xianna): These are our bedrooms. There is a number of them. I don’t know how many. This is a big old dining room. I have never eaten in this dining room. I do not know why it is here. It seats like 20 people at that table. It is too much.

MEL (as Illith): Wow.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we ate ramen in there once.

LAURA (as Xianna): Did we? When?!

CAMERON (as Karma): You were on drugs, you may not remember it…

LAURA (as Xianna): When was this?

CAMERON (as Karma): …but I’m pretty sure you made us ramen.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t doubt that I made ramen at some point. This is our holo-theater. I don’t think I have ever watched a movie in here, but sometimes we take business calls.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Next, this is our wardrobe. It has our closets and our costumes in it.

CAMERON: We open the door. It is a large closet.

LAURA: It’s also a mess, because Xianna tends to be the one going into it to get costumes, so there’s just piles and things falling off of hangers. You open the door and something falls off a top shelf.

CAMERON: There’s one corner of it that just has a lot of capes that’s all very nicely maintained.

NICK: The camera doesn’t focus very well on the clothes as though it’s whatever we need it to be at any given time and they don’t want people to get too much detail about it. [smiling]

CAMERON: Start pulling out jackets.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna dives in there and just starts pulling out jackets.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I found a yellow leather jacket. No other jackets. Ooh wait, no, I have a denim jacket. Karma wanted a denim jacket. I guess we are going to have to go shopping at some point if we want to make a proper gang.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I kinda wanted a red leather jacket. I was going between red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather, and I couldn’t decide.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, well we have a yellow leather one, so if you want that, cool, but we do not have the red leather.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll order it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve made it to the wardrobe. You have a denim jacket and a yellow leather jacket. Thanks for that. That’s helpful.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

MEL: [chuckles]

NICK: Great. You’re in hyperspace so the ship has a low hum, but you hear a loud thump from the other side of the ship.

MEL (as Illith): Oh my.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, what was that?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know.

LAURA (as Xianna): Does anyone else live on this ship?

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, we can’t know for sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): But no.

LAURA (as Xianna): Do you think it was Creamsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s only one way to find out. It could be the… fluxinumerator… backfiring.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those were engineering words.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I worked on it the other day.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, okay. If you say so.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is that a thing that happens normally or is that a thing you need to go look at?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… We’re risk takers, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean I am.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. We should go look at it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Go!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Is this a race?!

NICK: Everybody starts running I guess.

MEL: The gang all shrugs and walks out of the room.

NICK: Xianna goes “okay, go,” and everyone looks at each other and Hank just books it, just immediately with machine-like reflexes, and then everyone else shrugs and walks in the direction of the thump, because HK did not walk in the direction of the thump.

[upbeat 60s surfer rock music starts]

The thump happens periodically. Everyone give me one of the tableaus of you all running around the ship in your robes carrying pitchers of alcohol.

LAURA: Because the bedrooms are in a little hallway, so it’s a line of doors, we absolutely do the Scooby Doo thing where we all go into one bedroom and then we each come out a different bedroom, and then we keep going into different bedrooms because one of us will go into one and then the other person will come out, look in the hallways, can’t find them, so they go into a different bedroom, and then it just keeps going until we all come out at the same time and run into each other.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Yeah, that happens. In Tink’s scenario I’m running back and forth between the rooms, but every time I come out of a room I’m holding a different snack. I have a popsicle the first time and I’m just eating it furiously because I’m running, and then I come into a room, out another one, bantha cake, right in my mouth. Go in, go out again, I come out, I have some pasta. I don’t know how that happened. That was the last snack, and I kinda meet up with everybody like you said at the very end and I’m just rubbing my stomach because it’s hurting.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. The noise is not coming from one of the bedrooms.

MEL: Illith walks out of a door with a riding crop in hand.

[giggling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh. Which bedroom did you find that one in? Is it the one with the disco ball down? Because that might be mine.

MEL (as Illith): Oh no, this was just in a random room I walked across. Um…

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, then I don’t know whose that is then.

MEL (as Illith): I don’t know. Oh, you know, it might have been the sex room, but I honestly couldn’t—

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, was there a lineup of them on the wall?

MEL (as Illith): Oh yes, I grabbed the prettiest one.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, that was the sex room then.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, I found it.

LAURA (as Xianna): That should be cool then.

MEL (as Illith): Excellent, but I could not tell you which door, because we were just running in and out of every door in this hallway.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Does it have rhinestones on it?

MEL: You bet your ass it does, but it has red and blue rhinestones and silky black leather and she’s just kind of twirling it in one hand and drinking out of the pitcher.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. That was my suggestion. Does anyone else know where we should look for the bump?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. I hear the bump again. That way!

CAMERON: We rush off again.

[music fades]

NICK: [laughs] Everybody runs off. So, this continues for a while, and then… What’s one of the rooms we haven’t named yet, Laura?

LAURA: Sixteen and 22.

NICK: I like that. We’ll give Mel some stuff to work with. Mel, you come to a room. The door is kind of the same color as the wall. Illith has ended up in the lead. I think probably by gesturing which way to go with the riding crop you’ve gained superiority and command of the group a little bit.

[laughter]

MEL: Dope.

NICK: You’ve gone past the dining room two or three times, and everyone keeps walking past this other door and not even acknowledging it, and you keep expecting someone to say let’s look in there and they keep not, so you finally decide to look in this room.

MEL: I just smack the riding crop on the wall and it makes a very loud noise, and everyone just stops.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes?

[laughter]

NICK: The thing about this, Mel, what I wanna do, I wanna let you tell us what is this room in the ship that they haven’t noticed yet?

MEL: What kind of room does a pleasure ship need…? Ah, it’s a botanical garden.

HUDSON: Cool.

NICK: Illith, you point out this room with your riding crop, and everyone snaps kind of subconsciously to attention, and you press the button and the door swings open. What do they see as you lead the way into the location of the mysterious thumping?

[sweet nature music starts]

MEL: You see a room that has been left alone to its own devices for probably longer than it should have but not so long that the plants have destroyed anything. The ship has an automatic protocol to water and care for and light the plants, so we have a dim light filtering through vines that are hanging off of a tall ceiling, or as tall as it can be in a ship this size. Trees sprout off the ground and reach upwards. They’re not thick trees, but miniature versions of trees you would find on all types of tropical planets. They’ve been very expensively, I might add, shrunk to fit the size of ship that it is on. There are bushes and lots and lots of flowers, and a small pathway that leads through the center of it.

NICK: Wow… It’s not huge, because it is on a ship, but a hush falls over the group and with a certain amount of awe the group walks into this room and follows this little narrow trail. As the door slides shut and you stop for a minute the plants absorb the sound of the ship. You just hear the drip of water from the irrigation system and it’s a peaceful place. It’s strange, you all haven’t had a moment to just stand and think since way back on Unroola Dawn before all of this started. You get a moment to think, and it’s a little humid but in a way that feels rejuvenating, not suffocating, and these plants just surround you with quiet. You have this moment to yourselves.

[music stops]

MEL: This is probably the cleanest air you’ll ever breathe.

LAURA: Oh yes, because we have not messed this place up with snack sand spilled drinks.

HUDSON: And hot tub humidity.

LAURA: And whatever Sabos did in his room.

[laughter]

MEL: Illith walks further into the room and the little path winds a little bit so that what’s past it is shielded by trees and vines and plants, and as they come around a corner they find a small pond stocked with some fish and kind of a small seating area and grass where you can sit down.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh shit! This is nice!

[laughter]

CAMERON: As Karma walks she stops and leans down and picks a few edible flowers and then drops them into the pitcher.

NICK: Nice.

MEL: Absolutely.

NICK: The pond is bigger than you would expect to find on a ship, definitely, but it is a lot smaller than it looks. Because of the way the walls are painted and the plants have interacted with them, you can sit on this little grassy hill in front of this pond and feed the fish bits of flowers and all sorts of things, and it feels like you’re in a wide open space even though you know you’re on a ship. You know if you walked very far in any direction you’d probably find a wall, but it’s like this whole room was designed to feel like you’re outside and to ease cabin fever and claustrophobia. You’re all able to sit down on this little bit of lawn, and while it’s a little longer than it probably as intended to be, it’s comfortable and it’s very nice.

LAURA (as Xianna): Anyways. Let’s go see if we can find any… What was it? Oh, we’re getting jackets for a gang, right?! [laughter] That’s what we’re doing. Wait, no.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought there was a thumping.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, the thumping. Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you take drugs earlier?

LAURA (as Xianna): No, just alcohol.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay. That explains it.

LAURA (as Xianna): I’m just like this.

CAMERON (as Karma): How did we not know this door was here?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t look when we are getting on the ship. I usually head straight to my bedroom or the hot tub.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Huh…

LAURA (as Xianna): Like I said, I have not been in many of the rooms on the ship before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, thank you for finding this, Illith. This is very nice.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, of course, dear.

MEL: Illith takes another big swig out of the drink they have.

NICK: We definitely get a close-up of Illith’s glowing Chiss eyes looking out over this peaceful pond and scene as these three chuckleheads just banter behind Illith. They get this moment of watching these large coy fish, probably with too many extra whiskers because it’s Star Wars, swimming around in this pond in a circle. Illith, how are you feeling right now in this situation?

MEL: Illith stares out over the water, the expansive, non-expansive body of water, and drifts to thoughts of their old home, because back on their planet it was an icy hell scape, but every home – at least the wealthier Chiss homes – had an atrium much like this where they could find peace and fresh air and warmth and humidity, and just a place to be quiet and peaceful with their thoughts.

NICK: I think as Tink and Xianna are arguing about whether they were on the thump mission or the leather jacket mission, Karma, you probably do notice that Illith seems more reserved and introspective than usual.

CAMERON: I go and sit down next to Illith and hold my hand out for the pitcher to refill my cup.

MEL: Illith gives a generous pour.

CAMERON: Yay.

NICK: Heh.

CAMERON: Karma joins Illith in looking out over the little baby lake.

NICK: You get a quiet moment, and then Xianna and Tink high-five and sprint out of the room.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Where are we going next?!

MEL: We hear from the hallway.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): [distant] Where are we going next~?

NICK: The hijinks and the peacefulness of the ship are just a really weird combination, Illith, and you get a pretty good feel for how this group operates in general. They wander around for quite a while, and then in the holo-theater you all come to a speaker that’s inset in the wall that’s thumping erratically. As you all get up to the speaker you hear a squeaking noise and then a rattling in the walls, and it seems like the thudding all along was some sort of small creature that had gotten into the sound system and maybe that’s what the issue was.

CAMERON: What ever could it be?

NICK: So, they walk around, the rat gets away, it’s pretty great.

CAMERON: We all settle down, we watch a movie, we eat popcorn.

NICK: Yeah. It’s an action film, and the camera fades out, and when it fades back in there’s a final shot of the action film and it’s an orange Rodian with an eyepatch standing on a rock outcropping with a shirtless Pantoran leaning against his leg looking up adoringly as he fires into the air, yelling…

NICK (as Neato): I’ll get you next time, suckers!

NICK: …and then it goes to the credits. You guys space Netflix one of Neato’s documentaries, because it’s a documentary, because you had just hung out with him, so that’s fun.

CAMERON: Great.

NICK: You get this moment of sitting in the holo-theater and the lights turn on, and then fade, and then fade back up, which you know is the ship saying that you’re about to exit hyperspace. You’re close to where you are going.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so what are our thoughts on doing embroidery on the jacket versus getting sew-on patches?

MEL (as Illith): I do so like sew-on patches a bit more. They have more definition. You can get the colors more definite. If it’s, I’m assuming, black leather you might have some trouble with leather breaking. You’ll want the extra backing, you know?

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes. If we do sew-on patches we can order them as a whole group. We do not have to send it off each time we want something embroidered. We can just order a bag of patches and distribute them.

MEL (as Illith): Yes, and if we get new members we’d be able to hand it out right then and there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh yes. We are going to have to get someone to design our gang logo.

NICK: Fan artists, get at us.

[laughter]

NICK: End of episode.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 47 An Auctional Adventure

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 47:
An Auctional Adventure

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Starting off, we have got a new Patreon backer! Joshua Winter, thank you so, so much for supporting the squad. We’ve got your bunk all made up, but don’t expect to use it too much, there’s a lot of work to do around the ship. Let’s start with the kitchen. There’s cookies everywhere.

Next up, I want to thank Molar Duck for their extremely kind and thoughtful iTunes review. You’re a wonderful friend to the show, MolarDuck, and we appreciate you dearly.

I want to give a huge thank you to our guest star again this week, Mel D’Amato, for being on our podcast. Illith is a wonderful addition to the Tabletop Squadron universe, and I can’t wait for the audience to see more from them in this arc.

One note this week: This episode is a little bit shorter than usual. The way the story beats played out and how this arc fell over multiple recording sessions, we opted to keep the flow going in the way that made the most sense, which means this one’s a bit more compact, but I promise it’s chockfull of goodness.

So let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 2 of Tabletop Squadron’s Super GenCon Special Extravaganza Holiday Special, etcetera, etcetera. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Everybody, we’re gonna go around the table and introduce yourselves and say what character you are playing today, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hi. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Fantastic. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Good. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Fantastic. Last but certainly not least, our guest for this particular arc, we’ve got Mel!

MEL: Hi, I’m Mel. I am playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss smuggler.

NICK: Ooh~

MEL: You can find me on Twitter at @melerella.

NICK: Yay. So, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Woo.

LAURA: We didn’t even use them.

NICK: It’s fine. It’s fun to roll the dice.

CAMERON: One dark side.

MEL: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: Okay, thank you, Laura.

LAURA: You’re welcome!

CAMERON: All the rest of us, boo.

NICK: Aw man. Okay, quick recap from what happened last episode. The crew received a mission from Sentinel to go to a fashion show and buy some long-lost Jedi robes. They went to a fashion show. Xianna stole some jewelry. Tink got some very pleasant compliments. We entered the scene with Illith, a frighteningly charismatic Chiss. Karma ran some security. You saw a very pretty model wearing a half-cape and a thong and decided that that’s the item that you need, which is accurate, and that the thong is most important. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Not most important, just necessary.

NICK: Fair. Fair. So, we’re gonna go ahead and jump right into it. We are going to open on the now brightly lit room where the fashion show is taking place and the crowd is moving into this open amphitheater, and what you can see are these transparesteel cases up against the back wall and they are half tubes. Imagine the thing where Batman stores his different uniforms, or costumes, whatever they are. They’re like those, but they’re not lit.

CAMERON: [giggling] Uniforms. Batman uniforms.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Batman uniforms, you know, like yeah. They’re all dark, and otherwise there’s a single podium, and people are milling around in different groups. As everybody enters the room the auctioneer approaches the lectern from the side of the stage. It is a Troig, which are those two-headed aliens that announce the pod race in Episode I. One of the heads is asleep, the other head is looking around excitedly and has a slicked back pompadour hairdo and an earpiece in and they’re wearing a completely sequent silver suit with a blue tie. They approach the microphone.

MEL: If you don’t have an accent— [stereotypical NYC accent] “Ey, you wanna start an auction here?”

[laughter]

LAURA: So wait, is it one tie around both necks into the front, or is it two neckties?

NICK: It’s two separate neckties.

LAURA: Okay. I just wanted to make sure.

MEL: Are they tied in two different ways?

NICK: Oh yeah.

MEL: Okay good.

NICK: The head that’s not asleep has a full Windsor, and the head that’s sleeping has a bolo tie. The announcer approaches the stage.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, we’ll be starting the auction momentarily. Up first is the first outfit that we saw today, the Sith Happens robes.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: It’s the first very fashionable outfit that was shown in the show of the overlapping shoulder pads with the wide Elizabethan gown and the big collar.

MEL: Illith buys it.

[laughter]

NICK: Yeah, absolutely. There’s two Chadra-fans standing up near the stage, pounding on the stage, and they start bidding immediately. It gets up to about 10,000 Credits and they start looking around. Illith, are you just bidding right away?

MEL: I’m letting them compete with someone else until they get to a point where it’s going once, going twice, and Illith doubles it.

[laughter]

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, for 15,000 Credits we have the Sith Happens gown going once, going twice, and—

MEL (as Illith): 30,000 Credits.

[collective dramatic gasp]

NICK: The announcer stumbles for a minute.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Wow… yes, 30,000 Credits to the Chiss in the front… Oh! Illith, is that you?

MEL (as Illith): Oh yes, dear. How are you?

NICK (as Auctioneer): Oh, I’m just doing fine.

MEL (as Illith): Oh wonderful.

NICK: The sleeping head wakes up.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Oh hey, it’s Illith!

MEL (as Illith): Oh hello, dear. Good to see you as well.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Aw, it’s so good—[snores]

NICK: And falls back asleep. The auctioneer doesn’t even say going once.

NICK (as Auctioneer): To Illith, of course to Illith.

NICK: And we get polite applause. [others clap] The display case in the far left corner of the stage goes dark and the next one lights up. Some of these are a little hard to display. One of them burns your eyes out, so that’s kind of hard. I think they have a holo representation of it so that everyone can bid. The bidding continues like that. Illith, are you buying the entire fashion show?

MEL: Probably.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah?

MEL: Well, I think Illith throws at least one bid at each one. Sometimes people go higher and she’s like “whatever, it’s not for me anyway.”

NICK: And it’s definitely that when the outfits are purchased, the lights go off, and the models are in the crowd wearing street clothes, and you get some ecstatic winks from some of them as you purchase some of the outfits.

CAMERON: “Illith bought mine~”

MEL: They definitely got that galaxy one and they’ve got plans for it.

NICK: Ooh boy.

CAMERON: It’s gonna go amazing against their skin.

MEL: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: What’s the armor bonus on holograms? Probably not… We get to the Heartbreaker Jedi cloak and thong which are spread lovely in a display case.

MEL: Spread.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, I wish I hadn’t said it.

CAMERON: That was a word choice.

MEL: [giggles]

NICK (as Auctioneer): And for our final item, the prize of the collection, created from the Heartbreaker relic robes found on the planet of Chandrila, the stylish half-cape and thong combination of the Heartbreaker line, the Long, Long Ago line’s flagship item made from the original fabric. Starting the bidding at 20,000 Credits. Do I hear 20,000 Credits? Twenty thousand—

NICK (as Chadra-fans):20,000!

NICK (as Auctioneer): Thank you very much, Mister and Mister… Wells. Wells, the Chadra-fans.

CAMERON: Wells, yes.

NICK (as Auctioneer): The very famous couple.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. So uh, apparently that is the actual fabric, so I don’t think we are—

CAMERON (as Karma): But it seems like not all of it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie. I think we just have to bid on this one and then figure out if there is any more fabric.

CAMERON (as Karma): Agreed. Okay.

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand. What number are we at? [laughs]

NICK (as Auctioneer): 35,000 Credits to the Nautolan woman. Sorry ma’am, can I get your name for the records, please?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nailo.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Nailo! To Nailo up in the front.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh my god. You never give them your real name!

CAMERON (as Karma): I do.

NICK (as Announcer): 40,000 Credits. Do I hear 50,000 Credits? 50,000 Credits?

HUDSON (as Tink): Right here!

HUDSON: Tink raises his hand.

[giggling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink, no!

CAMERON: Karma punches Tink in the arm.

LAURA (as Xianna): We don’t bid against each other!

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, thank you there. We are now to 55,000 Credits.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is so rude. They didn’t ask for your name.

HUDSON (as Tink): [shouting] My NAME is Rallltinkraatakat, for the record! People call me Tink!

NICK (as Auctioneer): yes, thank you very much. Thank you.

NICK: And the bidding continues. We’re at 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85,000, and the bidding is starting to slow down. Someone bids 86.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna grab three drinks in her hand and she turns to Karma and Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): If someone starts to bid above us I am going to spill these drinks all over them and distract them, just letting you know in case I get thrown out. I am doing this for the mission. Team player!

CAMERON (as Karma): Noted.

LAURA: And saunters off. [laughs]

NICK: In the direction you head there’s a Bothan in a beautiful sequent gown. The bidding is at 85.

NICK (as Bothan): 99,000 Credits.

NICK: They start to raise their hand. Do you do anything to them?

LAURA: Xianna has the three drinks in her right hand and she takes one into her left and bumps into them in a way that the drinks in the right hand do not spill but the one in her left spills all over them. Heh.

NICK: The Bothan slips and falls.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Did I hear 99,000? I don’t… I’m afraid I don’t see the bidder there, so I guess we’re still at 86. Do I hear 87? 87,5? 87? 87,5?

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand, to 87.

NICK (as Auctioneer): To Nailo, we’re at 87. Wonderful, 87.

NICK: Someone starts to raise their hand for 95 again. It’s not the Bothan, it’s somebody else. [smiling]

LAURA: [laughing] Same thing, just walks up.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh. Oops! Sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Oopsies!

NICK: I think we get just a shot from the perspective of the auctioneer over their shoulders and their multiple heads, and people starting to raise their hand and just eating it into the crowd, and it happens multiple times. [laughter] Karma keeps waving to keep the auctioneer’s attention.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Ma’am, we have your bid. Thank you.

NICK: Then somebody bids 99,000 Credits after you run out of drinks. I think it’s Mister and Mister Wells again, and they look really, really excited.

NICK (as Auctioneer): We’re at 99,000 Credits. Thank you so much, Mister and Mister Wells in the front row.

LAURA: Xianna’s looking around like “Where is a server? I need drinks! And not for me this time.”

NICK: The server that you got the original three from looks at you and then runs out of the room with their tray.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Come back! I need more drinks!

NICK: They bid 99,000. You all have 100,000. Do you bid 100,000?

CAMERON: [pained] Yes.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 100,000 Credits! This is unheard of in the Long, Long Ago line. The Heartbreaker, setting new records. Thank you so much, Miss Nailo. Do I hear anything else? Obviously, I mean it’s not gonna go higher than that.

HUDSON (as Tink): 101,000!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] We gotta win this one!

CAMERON (as Karma): Buddy! Buddy…

LAURA: [laughs] Xianna just stops.

LAURA (as Xianna): … I shall murder Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, you don’t need to bid against me. I had the winning bid.

NICK (as Auctioneer): And we’ve got 101,000 to Rallltinkraatakat My Friends Call Me Tink. Thank you so much. [laughter] So, obviously, going once… Could we get a round of applause? Going twice, for Mister Rallltinkraatakat.

MEL (as Illith): 101,069 Credits.

[laughter]

CAMERON: And the theater in unison says:

SEVERAL: Nice!

NICK: The Troig’s other head wakes up and goes…

NICK (as Auctioneer): Nice! You go, Illith.

NICK: …and then falls back asleep.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 101,069… You know, normally we have a 1,000 bid minimum, but that one’s funny, so we’re gonna stick to it. Thank you so much Illith for your patronage. I know that the fashion consortium appreciates that you’re here. It really just brings the show to the next level. Obviously, 101,069, going once… Nice. Going twice…

LAURA: Xianna then shoots her hand up.

LAURA (as Xianna): 200,000!

CAMERON: Karma facepalms, because no one seems to know how this works.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 200–? Wow, 200,000 Credits. That’s unheard of. This is… okay. I guess that’s going to be—

NICK: A protocol droid from the back of the room raises a little mechanical hand.

NICK (as Droid): I am authorized to offer 800,000 Credits for the Heartbreaker robe.

LAURA (as Xianna): Fuck you~!

[laughter]

NICK: The auctioneer freezes and then looks to Illith.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 800,000 Credits?

NICK: And shrugs.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear, I’ve already spent that on the rest of the collection.

NICK (as Auctioneer): [stammers] … Sold!

NICK: The crowd all starts to grumble to each other and wander out of the rooms. You see that the display cases all sink into the floor and go away. You see that there’s an armored train that immediately heads off somewhere else in the facility.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Well, thank you so much. We will be of course instantly launching these by rocket pod to the delivery addresses already provided to us, so no need to worry about that, as soon as the funds transfer.

NICK: The other head pops up and says…

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yeah, so get the heck out.

NICK: …and falls back asleep. Everybody starts to wander out.

LAURA: Xianna’s making a B-line for that droid.

NICK: The droid is just (mechanical noises) just doing the waddle thing, away.

CAMERON: Karma has Tink’s arm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so Tink, when we’re bidding we’re bidding as a group, so just one of us needs to do it. I’m not sure why Xianna yelled 200,000, I’m gonna talk to her too, but in the future if one of the three of us, or Hank, has the—Gosh darn it, I called him Hank. Xianna’s—Oh no… If HK or one of the three of us has the winning bid no one else in the group needs to make one, because we’re already gonna get it. Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, I’ll think about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you wanna be the person to place the bids, that can be your job from now on.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, you’re now our bid placer.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes! Alright, got it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, cool. Glad- Alright, yeah. Gosh darn it, I’m calling him Hank.

LAURA (as Xianna): Droid! Droid, get back here! Droid! You!

NICK (as HK): Statement: Secondary user, I am already following you.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, not you, hank! The other one! Get back here, please!

NICK: You’re able to run up and grab this protocol droid. Illith, have you gotten close by to see what’s going on?

MEL: I would like to know if I already know whose droid this is.

NICK: You have your suspicions. You haven’t seen this model before, but you are aware of a couple of different people who like to operate through droid proxies.

MEL: Hmm. Illith’s goal right now is to sidle up close, drop something… Do they have exposed wiring? Is it like a C-3PO?

NICK: Yeah.

MEL: The goal is to get up close during a commotion and put a tracker inside of one of their little wired spaces.

NICK: Ooh nice. Yeah. That sure sounds like a Skulduggery check.

MEL: Is that a Skulduggery? I’d like to suggest Charm instead.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay. You could do Charm—

MEL: I’m going to Charm my way close.

NICK: That means you’re gonna need to be involved in the conversation that’s about to happen.

MEL: I’m there.

NICK: Xianna, you manage to grab the droid, turn it around. You notice that this lovely Chiss has appeared just out of nowhere, essentially.

NICK (as Droid): Pardon me, I must be getting back to my employer.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay yes, but who is your employer?

NICK (as Droid): I don’t know why you need to know that information. They’re the winner of the Heartbreaker robe.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, that is why I need to know, because I want to send them a lovely note about the Heartbreaker whatever it is and some of the history about it.

MEL (as Illith): My dear droid, what is your name?

NICK (as Droid): I am C3-14.

MEL (as Illith): C3-14, what a wonderful name you have.

NICK (as C3-14): Why thank you. I am Human Fashion Relations.

[laughter]

MEL (as Illith): I’m sure you noticed that I bought many of the pieces as well.

NICK (as C3-14): Oh yes. My employer is very worried about the amount of money you’re spending to get into their particular line of business.

MEL (as Illith): I do apologize. I didn’t realize I was undercutting anyone else.

NICK (as C3-14): Undercutting is not the word I would use. Muscling out is the word I would use.

MEL (as Illith): I would certainly be willing to entertain a conversation with your employer should they be interested. I’d even be willing to perhaps do a trade.

NICK (as C3-14): Processing.

NICK: You wanna roll me a Charm check?

MEL: Yeah!

CAMERON: [giggles]

MEL: Alright, I got three of these?

CAMERON: Alright, Charm – three yellows, one green…

NICK: I’m gonna say this is hard, with a black die, because this is a negotiations droid.

MEL: But I got a thing that says I don’t have a black die.

NICK: Well, that would be very helpful. [laughs]

CAMERON: Yup. Kill With Kindness?

MEL: Yeah.

NICK: That’s concerning.

CAMERON: Remove a black die from Charm checks.

MEL: Ding! So I’m rolling these three?

CAMERON: Yeah.

MEL: [rolls]

CAMERON: [giggles wildly]

HUDSON: yeah!

CAMERON: Oh dear.

MEL: That’s good.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm! It’s something.

MEL: That’s a triumph, right?

CAMERON: That is a triumph. Um…

MEL: Dope.

CAMERON: But so, what it comes out to is one failure, two advantages, and a triumph!

NICK: Hey, you know what’s gonna work really well, Mel?

MEL: Hmm?

NICK: The cyborg’s not gonna tell you, but dang if you can’t just easily slip a tracking device into this droid at this point.

MEL: Alrighty! Dope.

NICK (as C3-14): Unfortunately, after my transmission I am not capable of telling you who my employer is. Have a good day.

NICK: And starts to walk off.

MEL (as Illith): Oh please, may I just give you my card? Just in case your employer decides to contact me. I completely understand you can’t tell me, I just want to give you the information.

NICK (as C3-14): This is my primary objective.

NICK: It holds out its little hand.

MEL: Illith does a very gentlemanly move and caresses the bottom of the hand and then places a card in the top of it, and then at the same time underneath their index finger tucks a little tracker inside of the wires on the back of the hand.

NICK: Dang that’s slick! The droid… It can’t blush…

MEL: Nope.

NICK: …but it’s definitely like…

NICK (as C3-14): Oh my!

NICK: …and looks flustered. [laughter] And then takes the card and looks at it.

NICK (as C3-14): Illith Utena Hatake. Oh yes, thank you kindly. I will pass this card along to my employer.

MEL (as Illith): Thank you ever so much. You have a wonderful day.

NICK (as C3-14): And to you as well.

NICK: It wanders off. You notice that everyone else gives this droid a pretty wide birth. This is a big spender, or a representative of one. They got big energy going on and people get out of the way, and it starts to leave.

LAURA: Yeah, BDE, big droid energy.

[laughter]

NICK: Big, droid, energy. Illith, you’re standing there next to this purple Twi’lek in a very fashionable yet suspicious looking coat.

MEL: Hmm.

NICK: You have a tracker. You would imagine that wherever this is going, with that kind of money, that this is probably a high security situation, and as somebody that is a people person you would probably not want to do this alone. I think what happens is Xianna ends up standing there, you got blown off by this droid and by Illith walking up and kind of shoehorning the conversation, and Karma and Tink kinda hustle up to you, and you’re all standing there with Illith kind of to the side.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the 800,000 bid, that was a ridiculous power move, it was not necessary. The bidding was only at 200,000. That was just ridiculous.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma’s just still explaining bidding.

LAURA: Xianna’s kind of paused and her inner monologue is like “Okay. I could shoot the droid, but I am pretty sure Karma would be very disappointed in me and that might not be right. I think that might be morally wrong to just shoot the droid. I won’t. No…” and is just staring off into the upper distance, just expressionless but doing all this in her head. “Okay, so I have no idea what to do right now.”

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh hello~! Heh.

CAMERON (as Karma): What did the droid say?

LAURA (as Xianna): Nothing. Would not tell me who he worked for. I got no information. Really, I have absolutely nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank. Hank, come over here.

NICK (as HK): Statement: I am standing right next to you.

HUDSON: Oh! God, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Statement: I’ve been here this whole time. Did you forget I was here?

LAURA (as Xianna): He has literally been here the whole time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Hank, I need you to distract the droid, okay?

NICK: The camera pans over to this protocol droid stepping onto a ship and the ship flying away.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, too late!

NICK (as HK): Observation: I am not sure how to do that. Would you like me to shoot the ship down?

NICK: He pulls out his very large rifle and it starts to spin up.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No. No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No. Stand down.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed Sigh: Sigh.

HUDSON: [laughs]

MEL (as Illith): I can’t help but notice the three of you seem invested in that particular droid.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… It’s a very nice looking droid and we just wanted to know… uh. I’m a technologist, and I have a hobby around droids, and droid-related things, and droid fashion, and this droid in particular seems to have a keen eye on their metal.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna moves in front of Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. What my friend is saying is that the droid has a particular part that they are no longer manufacturing and he was wondering who the droid is employed by, because maybe they also have more of these mechanical parts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, the parts.

CAMERON (as Karma): I had a particular interest in the item that was purchased, as you may have noticed from my bidding. As you were bidding as well, I’m sure you were paying attention.

MEL (as Illith): Absolutely. I would have actually argued your points right there as the droid had been there for the entire show in the back, and if your interest truly lied within the droid you had ample opportunity prior to this point. Therefore, it could only mean that you are interested in the item that the droid had purchased.

CAMERON (as Karma): Items.

NICK: You see a subtle red glow from around the sunglasses that they’re wearing.

CAMERON: [laughs] Look at those intelligent eyes.

NICK: It’s just the Chiss thing, just observant as heck.

LAURA (as Xianna): yeah, okay. Whatever. Fuck it. Yes, we wanted to get the cape and the thong. That’s what we wanted.

MEL (as Illith): Then we have a similar goal. I’m terribly interested in those items.

LAURA (as Xianna): You know… We could part with the thong, but we really, really need the cape. Unless, do you think the thong is also part of the same material?

CAMERON (as Karma): I really don’t want to be the person to hand over a thong. [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): You know what?

CAMERON (as Karma): But at the same time I do, but I just, I don’t.

LAURA (as Xianna): I will do that one. I’ll do that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): If it comes to it, I will explain, and by that I mean I will throw the thong at his face and say this is what you have now.

[laughter]

MEL: [fiercely] “Wear it!”

MEL (as Illith): Well, you know, I have a vague idea of whom that droid belongs to, not exactly, but a thought. What I do know for certain is that this person has far  more security than one person could possibly breech, so I would be willing to share some information with you in return for your aid, and I would pay you handsomely for your help.

LAURA (as Xianna): We can do that, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): … Yes, we can.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m following you.

HUDSON: I wink.

LAURA (as Xianna): You said you had theories on who the droid works for?

MEL (as Illith): You’re not curious about how handsomely the reward would be paid out? We could come to a pre-agreement just to make sure motivations are available.

HUDSON (as Tink): We like surprises, but—

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna holds up a finger.

LAURA (as Xianna): One minute.

LAURA: Then turns around and pulls the group into that very standard team huddle.

CAMERON: Team huddle!

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie! So, how much do we want to ask for?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we ask for 101,069 dollars.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. That ends with a 9, so it would be dividable by 3, right? Is that how math works?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not necessarily.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): I do not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): The 9, yes, dividable by 3. The whole number? I’m not sure.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, 69 is dividable by 3.

HUDSON (as Tink): 101 is… not dividable by 3.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have no idea!

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON: Tink pulls out a calculator.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so then I will take the rounded up number, or we give that rounded bit to Hank.

NICK: By the way, Illith, you can hear this whole conversation.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): The rounded bit will go to Hank.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as HK): That would leave me approximately 4 Credits. Thanks.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s not like you have to buy food or anything, Hank.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, it would not be 4, because there’s another 3 in there.

NICK (as HK): My processor was literally shot out of me several weeks ago. Cut me some slack.

CAMERON (as Karma): We got you a new one.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait. Hank, do you have a need for credits?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you know that it only takes 4 Credits for a bot to have a great night out on the town?

NICK (as HK): Disapproving look.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I don’t think he actually needs credits. I think he was just being ornery.

CAMERON (as Karma): But to be fair, we could give Hank the 1 Credit and then all of us would get 33,689 Credits.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna twirls around.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay! We will do it for 101,069 Credits?

MEL (as Illith): That’s a deal.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

MEL (as Illith): That’s absolutely a deal. In fact, upon completion I would be happy to throw in the obnoxiously bright outfit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes.

MEL (as Illith): Bonus.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have so many plans for that one.

HUDSON (as Tink): That hurt me.

[laughter]

NICK: The camera starts on darkness and then there’s a sharp click and the electronic noise of a gangplank lowering out of the ship and it illuminates the Afternoon Delight, and we see Tink and Karma and Xianna and Illith all walking in a line up the gangplank, and the lights flicker on to your ship that you’ve been calling your home for about a month at this point. It’s been a while, longer than you would think, but still not a huge amount of time.

Illith, you are bathed in… Imagine 1960s luxury theater, like a Cinemark with red shag carpeting and gold highlights. There is a large circular plinth in the middle of this main room of the ship that has a flower display on it, and there are a lot of rooms leading off this main area. The ship is huge. This is a Starwind pleasure yacht which essentially is like half Millennium Falcon half super nice freighter that politicians would use to get around, and nobody ever buys them because if you want a fast smuggling ship you buy a YT ship like Han Solo has, and if you want a nice, comfy ship you buy the Naboo starliners that people get. This one is a little bit of both and people don’t usually touch it.

As you’re walking into the ship you can see down a main hallway to the cockpit. Everything has sporadic mirrors and wood paneling and red shag carpeting, and you can see an unnecessarily large galley off down another way. This is a very big ship. I’m assuming, karma, you go to put in the coordinates and take off.

CAMERON: Yup. That is a good assumption.

NICK: Everybody sits down in the large, comfortable chairs in the main room except for Karma and we see the ship taking off into space. Hank is stomping around in the back of the ship.

NICK (as HK): Unhappy grumbling. One measly credit. Unhappy grumbling.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Hank, I asked you if you needed credits and you did not tell me that you needed credits.

NICK: He throws something and walks back into the ship. Illith, you have a data pad with you that’s about the size of a standard iPhone. It’s got a blinking red light on it which means you know exactly where this ship has gone to, which is—you’ve actually heard of this place and everything kind of clicks into place. It’s on a small, unpopulated moon near the Inner Rim. It’s basically in the suburbs of Coruscant, like the fancier part of the area, but one that hasn’t been settled in any way. You know that there’s a collector there that has painstakingly reassembled the Tomb of Thio Barsenthor on Chandrila, which was a very well-preserved Jedi tomb that was recently discovered but hasn’t been explored yet, but it’s something that everyone’s really interested in. It’s like a neat part of culture. This person has been buying up anything that anybody has sold that’s related to it and is basically building Jurassic park but for Jedi instead. They probably purchased this as one of the set pieces.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear, this guy.

CAMERON (as Karma): This guy?

MEL (as Illith): This guy…

MEL: What’s his name?

NICK: It’s actually a girl, and her name is Kettle. She is a Geonosian mob boss…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: …who you have dealt with but only sporadically. She’s only interested in the kind of things that you like to work on sometimes. She’s very scary, people disappear around her, but she also pays really well for when she needs things.

MEL: What was the planet?

NICK: I didn’t say what it was. It’s just a—

MEL: Not the planet, the area, the suburb.

NICK: It’s an unmarked moon on the inner core. We can name it whatever we want. Having heard of this particular passion project of Kettle’s, it has been called Chandrila II.

MEL: Alright. Illith is holding a data pad in their hand and heaves a big sigh.

MEL (as Illith): Ugh… this woman.

MEL: Is Kettle Human?

NICK: No, she’s Geonosian.

MEL: Oh, Geonosian!

NICK: It’s like those weird bug people from Episode II that have the flappy wings and the guns that shoot noises at people.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear. Are any of you familiar with a particular person named Kettle?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, the queen.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes.

LAURA: Xianna starts rooting around in her pockets.

LAURA (as Xianna): It is in here somewhere. Tink, hold these granola bars.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Yeah.

LAURA: She’s handing granola bars.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Hold the binders.

LAURA: You get both the regular and the fuzzy ones.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Okay… [gasps] I got it! I got it.

LAURA: And she is holding the IOU from Kettle.

[chuckling]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Wait, Tink, you hold this, then we get the granola bars back.

HUDSON (as Tink): This is just trash.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no.

LAURA (as Xianna): No-no-no, there are still granola bars in there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, the paper you just handed me.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LAURA (as Xianna): No. Do not throw that out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Alright.

LAURA (as Xianna): Also, give me my binders back. Okay.

LAURA: And then takes the paper back. Well, I guess it’s “flimsy.” Then unfolds the flimsy.

LAURA (as Xianna): See? It is the IOU from Kettle. Remember? We played cards with her.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, from like two weeks ago.

LAURA (as Xianna): I even remember this one.

CAMERON: I don’t know how time works.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t remember.

LAURA (as Xianna): And I remember nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have no memory of this.

CAMERON (as Karma): You did drink a lot.

HUDSON (as Tink): I did?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): I remember this one because it was the first time I met Nolaa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, was that when I broke edge?

CAMERON (as Karma): yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh.

MEL (as Illith): Time certainly does fly sometimes.

CAMERON (as Karma): So yes, we have had dealings with Kettle in the past.

MEL (as Illith): Fascinating.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

MEL (as Illith): I’ve had some dealings with Kettle in the past and I don’t know that I’d call her a queen, but that is…

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s her mob name.

MEL (as Illith): Ah, yes. I forgot about that. I don’t often like to think about the mob.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: We get a flashback of Illith jumping behind a dumpster and a giant explosion and then we flash back.

MEL (as Illith): Yes. I suppose it’s fortunate that you’re familiar with Kettle. You’ll know how to interact. Therefore, we’ll need to set our destination for Chandrila II.

CAMERON: Karma looks to Tink to make that Astrogation check.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, I cannot do that.

NICK (as HK): Interruption: Electric Boogaloo.

[laughter]

NICK: End of episode.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 46 Fashion Forward

PDF download: Episode 46 Fashion Forward

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 46:
Fashion Forward

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Not much to say this week except that I really want to take a second to thank our guest star, Mel D’Amato, for being on our podcast. Playing with Mel was a freaking blast, and I know you’re all going to enjoy their character as much as we did.

Podcast music this week is High Technologic Beat Explosion by Loyalty Freak Music.

Let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to our GenCon episode of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Everybody, let’s go around the table, and I usually say something funny and cool here, but we’ve been talking and making fart noises for the last ten minutes so I didn’t really think of anything. Everybody, let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you are playing today, starting off with Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Awesome. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: And up next we’ve got our secret super awesome special guest today…

MEL: Secret, secret.

NICK: …Mel!

MEL: Hey! I’m Mel. I am here playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss smuggler.

[oohing]

NICK: And now everyone’s going to frantically wonder when that’s going to happen. At some point in the episode, everybody. It’s gonna be fine. [laughs] Mel, do you have any plugs or anything that you would like to give us?

MEL: If you like what you hear and you wanna talk at me or have any questions about me or my character or things that I do, you can find me working on the One Shot podcast network and harass—and bother me on Twitter at @melerella.

NICK: Great. I gotta follow you. I already follow you, it’s fine.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Awesome! Let’s do the Destiny Roll~! That’s important.

CAMERON: I got two light side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

MEL: One dark side.

NICK: Awesome. That gives us something to play with.

CAMERON: So that’s four light side, two dark side.

NICK: Very good. That gives us some options here. Now we’re gonna jump into it. So, we open on the lovely beach resort on Thrinaka. You’re back.

LAURA: We’re back!

CAMERON: Hey, look at that!

NICK: We are not staying on the beach resort. We are leaving again.

LAURA: Damn!

HUDSON: What?!

CAMERON: I think it’s time for another vacation.

NICK: No, stop.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We see the croissant shaped ship of the Tallahassee Quagmire land briefly. It is scored with blaster marks and smoking and has sparks shooting out of it, and the exit ramp drops with a loud clang, which is very weird. When you entered the ship it lowered very slowly, but this time it just drops and leaves a dent in the parking lot gravel. We see the four members of the squad running down the ramp as though shoved by someone, and the ramp slams up and the ship pulls up and flies away immediately, and we come to the crew standing on this windswept parking lot with beaches and dunes and gorgeous water in the background, and you are very near your own ship, the Afternoon Delight, which is a lot larger than the ship you just got off of. What do you do?

CAMERON: Since we’re not allowed to have a vacation, I guess we walk to the Afternoon Delight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well that went okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah! I’m so glad that went so well.

LAURA (as Xianna): Did it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes! Probably.

LAURA (as Xianna): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ve had worse.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s right, it could have been worse.

LAURA (as Xianna): I could have lost more toes.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very true.

NICK: We get a swipe to the crew stepping onto the Afternoon Delight. It smells like a house after a vacation, like it’s hot and you can smell the thing’s baked, and you see a large, orange loth-rat scamper out of a discarded pile of bantha cakes.

LAURA (as Xianna): [gasps] Creamsicle!

NICK: It looks up at you and twitches its little nose and then dives into a hole in the wall. The ship is still here, it starts to turn on as you get in, you get the track lights, and you can see that there is a bright, flashing light coming from the holo-theater that you have in your ship, and you probably wanna go towards that, question mark?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we got a voicemail.

CAMERON: [laughing] We got a voice-holo?

HUDSON (as Tink): We got a voice-holo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. let’s go turn it on.

NICK: You walk into the holo-theater. It’s round. There’s big, comfy chairs and there’s a big, red, flashing light on the panel. Who hits the button?

HUDSON: Oh, I do.

NICK: Tink hits the button?

LAURA: I mean, Xianna’s already have asleep in one of the chairs.

CAMERON: We let Tink deal with all of the technology.

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m techy guy.

NICK: You hit the button and it’s not a voice-holo. You see Sentinel, your Jedi employer, pops up in three dimensions in front of you, slightly larger than real life – because it’s more dramatic – and he just jumps straight into it.

NICK (as Sentinel): Finally! I haven’t been able to contact you in quite a while. We’ve already made contact with Neato. He’s in the route back to Beta Squad. Good work.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, thanks?

LAURA (as Xianna): Thank you~!

NICK (as Sentinel): That was the last member of Beta Squad, so we’re pretty much ready to go launch this operation, but the problem is I don’t know when it’s going to start. It’s probably going to be a few weeks and I’m going to need you to remain on call. Now, this would be the part where I say that your free time up until that point is your own, you don’t even need to stay together if you don’t want to, I just need you to be able to assemble quickly, feel free to take my ship anywhere. Here’s the thing. I was going to say that, but I need you to do something for me.

LAURA (as Xianna): [whining] Ugh, what?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did you say that you didn’t need to say that, then? You could have just not said it, and just…

HUDSON (as Tink): That was a huge build up to disappointment.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we talked about you sharing a lot and how we really needed that, but I feel like that was unnecessary sharing.

LAURA (as Xianna): That was too much sharing. Too much.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, I’m working on giving you the full background. I wanted you to know that my plan was to keep you on retainer until this very important mission comes to fruition. Ooh, mission fruition, that’s fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay Sentinel, we don’t have time. Come on.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): The problem is there is a very specific Jedi artifact that I need you to fetch for me.

LAURA (as Xianna): Is it a weird mask?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, it’s not a weird mask.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Why would it be a weird mask?

LAURA (as Xianna): Because I have one.

NICK (as Sentinel): You have a—Why do you assume it’s a Jedi weird mask?

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t know. It looks weird. It is in my room somewhere. I also have a kyber crystal if you want that one. Wait, no, I think I sold that. Never mind.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is that the Halloween mask you have with the zipper on the mouth?

LAURA (as Xianna): No, that is a different one.

CAMERON: [snickers, laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Did you find that room again? I’m sorry.

HUDSON (as Tink): I did.

NICK: So, Sentinel is, again, in the very familiar posture at this point of someone just trying to keep up and also trying not to absorb too much of the conversation going on in front of him.

CAMERON: Disappointed grandfather.

NICK: Yeah. He’s rubbing at his forehead.

NICK (as Sentinel): There’s a very specific Jedi artifact, a very famous set of robes. A fashion consortium recently recovered them from a site. It’s a priceless and powerful item. The robe is called the Heartbreaker. It was said to unite the Jedi order in times of strife.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait. Clothing?

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like a bathrobe?

NICK (as Sentinel): No, like traditional Jedi robes, like what I’m wearing right now.

LAURA (as Xianna): But why would the robes unite…

NICK (as Sentinel): It was like a symbol of leadership.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why is a set of Jedi robes called the Heartbreaker?

LAURA (as Xianna): Is it like robes you wear during some sort of like, you know, orgy? Because, you know, it unites?

NICK (as Sentinel): Why do you go straight to orgy with that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Because it’s Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): Look, I feel like at this point you know me well enough that of course that’s where I’m going to go.

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m from an order of mostly celibate magic monks. Why would you assume that we’re—

LAURA (as Xianna): Mm! Mostly?

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay fair.

LAURA (as Xianna): Mostly.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Sentinel): Okay, okay-okay, listen. I need you to go to where this consortium is having the auction and I need you to get these robes. I would go myself, but I’m very, very wanted and everyone thinks I’m dead, so I need you to go instead.

LAURA: Xianna raises her hand.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie, okie. Do you want us to buy the robes, or do you want us to steal the robes? Or do you not care?

NICK (as Sentinel): Long term, I don’t care. Now the thing is, I need you for this mission that we have spent months putting together, so I would rather you not take any undue risks.

NICK: He looks off to the side of the hologram.

NICK (as Sentinel): CP, do the thing.

NICK: Your data pads beep, and if you look at them you see that there’s 100,000 Credits sitting in a shell account that you have access to.

NICK (as Sentinel): Those funds should be sufficient to outbid anyone. I’m not playing around with this.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh!

LAURA: Xianna’s raising her hand.

LAURA (as Xianna): Question!

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, Xianna?

LAURA (as Xianna): Can any of us access that money at the moment?

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s a shell account. It really can only transfer in one direction, and it pretty much can just go for the bidding. I have it set up. You don’t have a great track record with the money that I’ve given you in the past.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean… fair point.

NICK (as Sentinel): So, this is so you can see your budget, and don’t even mess around necessarily with trying to save money or anything like that. This money will auto-withdraw back out of the account afterwards, so the goal is to win not to win for cheap or anything like that. Obviously, if they are a symbol of unity in times of need, I can’t think of a single greater time than when the Jedi Order has been destroyed. This could be a great way to recruit more people to our cause.

LAURA (as Xianna): With bathrobes?

NICK (as Sentinel): What? I’m wearing—They look like this, I think.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, and that looks like a bathrobe.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, that’s not very polite. This is my traditional—Anyway. You can call it whatever you want. I need you to get these for me.

NICK: You can see he’s getting kind of flustered and he re-centers himself.

NICK (as Sentinel): The fashion consortium is doing a fashion show for their Long, Long Ago line, and for some reason they’re doing it on this mining outpost above the gas giant of Bespin. I don’t know why they picked that—

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! I know that place.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh do you?

LAURA (as Xianna): Somewhat. I know I was there at some point.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well that’s good, maybe you have friends there. That’s usually what happens.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ehh…

NICK (as Sentinel): They’re saying that this robe is part of their fashion line, and I’m not sure how exactly that works out, but I need the original. If you can go there, watch the fashion show if you want, win the auction, bring me the robe, I’ll give you my coordinates after you’ve confirmed that you have it, that’s it. It is imperative that you secure the Heartbreaker robe.

HUDSON (as Tink): Simply put, we’re picking up your expensive laundry.

NICK (as Sentinel): Sure.

LAURA (as Xianna): It is not his laundry, it is someone else’s laundry that he now wants.

CAMERON (as Karma): Picture a personal shopper in a really high-end department store.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, and we’re the shoppers.

CAMERON (as Karma): We are the shoppers.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can get into that mind frame.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can be a fancy, rich shopper person just going around. Can we get more than the robes if we don’t spend all the money?

LAURA (as Xianna): You also have your own money. You could also steal them.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, from the shell account.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you have any other outfits in mind?

HUDSON (as Tink): I could use something. I could use a new belt. It’s the only thing I have right now.

NICK (as Sentinel): Listen. I don’t know when the robe is going up for auction. I need the robe.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so we need to go now? And we should stop talking to you.

NICK (as Sentinel): Yes, but I want to make sure you don’t try to spend the shell funds.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay bye!

CAMERON: Karma walks out of the room and starts the ship.

LAURA: And Xianna slams down the button.

NICK: Okay, and we get an image of a bunch of feet walking by the pile of bantha cake wrappers and then the ship starting to take off and then an orange loth-rat rolling ungracefully across the floor as the ship accelerates very quickly towards space, and we get another cut to the cloud city of Bespin. I think it’s a very similar opening scene to when that happens in… Is that Empire?

LAURA: Empire.

NICK: Yeah, in Empire Strikes The Return Of.

CAMERON: [laughs] What?!

NICK: I know a lot about Star Wars.

CAMERON: For those of you who don’t know Star Wars…

NICK: It’s Empire Strikes The Return Of.

CAMERON: …that’s what you call it if you just don’t stop during the movies and just watch them back to back.

NICK: The Afternoon Delight comes in on the sunset drenched clouds and one of those stupid cloud cars with the double cockpits buzzes the ship and tells you where to land. We get the ship coming down to land on this, it looks like the top from Inception but it’s rusty brown. Hopefully if you’re listening to the podcast you know what the cloud city of Bespin looks like, but if you don’t that’s okay. If you know what the cloud city of Bespin is like from the games, there’s also giant methane eating whales floating around, but that’s a whole different conversation.

CAMERON: I would like to see a whale out the cockpit window, please.

NICK: You see a whale with kind of a tentacle mouth thing floating around in the clouds.

CAMERON: Yay.

NICK: It is clearly eating methane gas and turning it into valuable Force-sensitive gems. Star Wars is wild. So, you land the ship on a wide open air landing pad that has no railing, and you descend down the landing ramp, and a little holo-projector flickers on. You see a man with dark brown skin and a glorious mustache wearing trousers and a very open silk shirt and a very long cape.

NICK (as Man): Welcome to Cloud City. You’re an angel. Surely you belong here among the stars.

NICK: Then as you get closer to it, it says:

NICK (as Man): Welcome to Cloud City. You’re an angel. Surely you belong here among the clouds.

NICK: That’s just on loop. You are able to walk further into the cloud city of Bespin.

CAMERON: It’s like the Welcome to Duloc song.

[laughter]

NICK: It’s just Lando doing Lando things.

CAMERON: (Boop-bwoop).

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did y’all hear that? I’m an angel among the clouds.

LAURA (as Xianna): You are.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a very true statement, Tink.

[techno performance music starts]

NICK: We get a swipe cut to a fashion show deep within the city of Bespin. It’s up towards the top, so there are skylights along the top where you can see the clouds and the sunlight filtering through, but as that goes down it gets very dark and there’s lots of under-lighting in cool 90s neon colors, strobing lights flashing on it. Picture a fashion show. There’s a black obsidian looking catwalk that models are walking up and down. There’s a large crowd of fashion forward people. You see some Kaminoans wearing cat suits and you see some Devaronians wearing zoot suits with big hats that their horns stick through. You also notice very quickly as you walk in that standing in a group, probably the richest, most popular looking people, there is a Chiss that laughs uproariously and draws everyone’s attention in and you can’t help but notice. Mel, what does your Chiss look like?

MEL: Oh, my Chiss. Let’s see. My Chiss, Illith, is pretty tall. I’m gonna say almost six feet. They are they/them, they’re very androgynous, but they do have longer hair. They are a sky blue skinned, murderously red eyed—

[laughter]

LAURA: Ooh.

MEL: Because apparently that’s how they all look, and they are wearing tight black pants, functional yet fashionable boots, also black, because black just contrasts blue skin so well, but a more fashionable shirt. I think it is a jacket with gold accoutrement on it, just something that makes them fit in a little bit. They look high fashion, but they fit in and are functional enough to move around the crowd.

NICK: How are they wearing their longish hair? Is it pulled back, is it loose?

MEL: It is currently curled and loose.

NICK & CAMERON: [sounds of approval]

MEL: Big, loose curls draped around them.

NICK: Any necklaces, jewelry, sunglasses, anything like that?

MEL: Oh, definitely sunglasses. Yeah-yeah-yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay.

MEL: Put some Crowley sunglasses on them.

NICK: Nice.

[laughter]

LAURA: Nice!

MEL: Good Omens!

NICK: The round glasses with the wrap-around guards.

MEL: Yeah-yeah-yeah, so you can’t see the spooky eyes.

NICK: Is there the slightest red glow out of the sides?

MEL: Just a tiny bit, yeah, just the tiniest.

NICK: Just if you know what to look for.

CAMERON: Just enough to be super cool.

MEL: Yeah, but they have an astounding number of rings on right now, like gold rings.

NICK: [laughing] Great. That’s fantastic.

CAMERON: How tall are their boots?

MEL: I think they have more than one pair of boots. This one is going to be like 3, 4 inches, stiletto murder boots.

CAMERON: So even taller.

MEL: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. They’re tall.

NICK: And functional.

LAURA: Okay, but how high up do the boots go?

MEL: They’re like riding boots.

LAURA: Nice.

MEL: They come up to just below the knee, but then there’s a part that covers the knee.

NICK: Aw damn. Okay, that changes the look a lot. I like that. Okay, so Illith is probably like a fancy glass drink kind of person.

MEL: Oh, most definitely.

NICK: Describe for me what Illith is drinking, Mel.

MEL: Illith is holding a magnificent glass with an exceptionally long stem, and inside of the glass you see gold flecks floating around in a drink that has a very floral smell to it, and it even has edible flowers around the rim of the glass – except for like one point, you have to be able to drink out of it – but there are edible flowers both in and upon the rim of the glass.

NICK: Nice. That one’s very good. I like that. What is it called?

MEL: Felucian Delight.

NICK: Nice. We see Illith with their crowd of hangers-on that you probably assembled when you got here.

MEL: They just flock to me.

NICK: Yeah, you can’t explain—

MEL: Attraction is a hell of a thing.

[music fades]

NICK: Magnetism. So, in the fashion show, as you walk in it was kind of the pre-show. The lights were up, people were walking around with hors d’oeuvres and drinks, and the squad gets a look at the general setup, and the lights start to dim and spotlights go to the catwalk, and the show proper starts. This is the Long, Long Ago line by this fashion consortium, and the first outfit to come out—

The first one is a Human model, and her hair is really close-cropped to her head, and she is walking down the catwalk with the sharp click of very high heels that you can’t quite see, because this model is wearing what looks like Asajj’s Sith robes, so the two X-crossed shoulder pads, but everything’s been exaggerated so the cloth is really wide and goes out farther away from her shoulders, and she also has the Elizabethan super-high collar behind and it’s sparkling in the lights, and where the robes would go into functional pants this is a very wide dress bottom that does kind of the southern bell rock as the model walks. She gets to the end of the runway and poses, and you notice they strike a fencing pose like they’re holding a lightsaber and they turn and they start to walk back.

You get the vibe very quickly that this is a fashion show of older, sometimes Jedi-related fashion or Old Republic fashion that’s been tweaked to be high fashion. I want everyone else to tell me what another outfit would be in this high fashion future show thing.

LAURA: Okay, I have one. There is a very tall model, probably like seven feet or more. They have gray skin and their outfit is a brilliant gold robe that’s tied at the waist, and that’s it.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: It’s not Snoke. It’s different. [laughter] That’s all I have.

HUDSON: I have one. A model comes out and is walking down the runway, and I can’t tell what their face looks like, what their skin color is, none of that, because they’re wearing the most bright, reflective outfit that blinds everyone in the entire room, and everyone just goes AHH and puts their hand up against their eye to try to see, and then when they get to the end of the runway you can kinda see that they stripped that portion off to reveal the main outfit which is a bunch of lights that are somehow even brighter just attached to their body all over. [laughter] It’s supposed to be some kind of, I don’t know, message involved, but everyone’s just focused on not looking at this thing right now, this outfit, so they pose and they walk back, and then everyone just breathes a sigh of relief as they go back around the corner and they can see again.

NICK: There’s been an announcer this whole time, and there’s obviously the fashion show driving music going, and the announcer says:

NICK (as Announcer): The corona outfit shows that true beauty eclipses all.

NICK: And from the fashion people you hear a lot of ooh, yeah, yeah, and they’re like crying from the light. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s so beautiful it hurts to look at.

MEL: The next model comes out and they’re a curvy model. This isn’t just another twig that’s on the runway like so many others. This is a curvy, bodacious model who is like I’m fucking here and I’m owning this runway, and they strut. The outfit that they’re wearing is actually literally projected from their skin. They’re wearing strategically placed projectors on their skin, and areas of their skin are just covered in a star scape, so obviously any genitalia and intimate parts are covered by just a cloud of stars.

NICK (as Announcer): There’s no tagline needed for this star scape.

MEL: [giggles]

NICK: The whole crowd falls quiet, it’s just—

MEL: “Wow~” Mesmerizing.

NICK: Oh, it’s good.

CAMERON: The next model comes out, the model is a more petite Human woman who has dark hair and has white face powder on, a red upper lip and then just a red line down the center of her bottom lip. Her hair is really the thing that instantly draws your eye, and it’s done kind of like the rings of Saturn where she has just hair rings above her head. You can’t see how they’re attached, but it all appears to be her hair so magic is happening. The reason that you’re drawn first to her hair and don’t really notice her outfit is because she’s just wearing the standard brown Jedi robe, and she has it closed in front of her, and she kinda stops as she enters the catwalk, pauses for a moment just to get the full hair effect, and then takes the robe off and starts dragging it behind her as she walks.

She’s wearing most of a Jedi robe setup, but none of the actual shirts and pants part, like they always have the weird sash things. All of the sashes are there, so she has two coming over each shoulder, going around their back, she has a wide waist belt sash. It’s more of a sash going into a mini skirt, so everything is covered, but rocking pair of boots, really high heels, and just walks and is dragging the Jedi robe behind her. Gets to the end of the catwalk, poses, leaves the robe there, and because Jedi robes aren’t important, and we know this because they’re meant to be left when you need to drop them dramatically, and then just struts back up the catwalk.

NICK (as Announcer): This slinky Jedi number will bring peace and unity to the galaxy.

NICK: And probably a saucy wink from the model right before she exits the catwalk again, and it continues like that for quite a while. This is a long run, and a couple of the outfits come back out and you get holo-droids going around taking multiple shots. This is this fashion consortium’s big reveal and will probably make or break the company. As this goes you get time to mingle a little bit, you watch the fashion show continue. Do any of y’all work the room or do anything during this time?

LAURA: Xianna’s going around the room chatting up with everyone she can. Is there a bar, or are drinks being served freely on a tray?

NICK: Drinks on a tray situation.

LAURA: Okay, then she’s just taking drinks, she doesn’t then have to try to get people to buy her drinks.

NICK: Nope, and it would have been open bar anyway, but this is top, high scale things.

LAURA: She is also doing some light scouting to see if there’s any jewelry that looks particularly, like, has a dainty clasp on it.

NICK: Do you want to actually try to steal something or are you just scouting right now?

LAURA: Yes.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Alright. Make me a—

LAURA: Skulduggery?

NICK: A hard Skulduggery check, yeah. There is a black die added to this because there are active security in this place. You also do notice, as you’re looking around, you think you can manage it, but this place has really tight security as far as the models go and the runway. You think it’s less to affect somebody trying to necessarily steal something and more keep people away from the models or from ruining shots of the show, but you see that trying to steal anything from this setup would be extremely difficult, but stealing jewelry from somebody is doable.

LAURA: Okay. I’m also getting rid of that black die, because I have Convincing Demeanor! Three successes and two advantages.

NICK: You get two necklaces, a bracelet, and someone’s wallet. It’s probably like 1,500 Credits worth of stuff. 1,400 of it is one of the necklaces. The rest of it is not nearly as nice as it looks, and you’re able to quickly tell, but you keep the other stuff anyway. Why not? It’s pretty.

LAURA: How many credits were in the wallet?

NICK: 100.

LAURA: Okay, that matters for me.

NICK: Okay. Illith, are you watching the fashion show, or meeting and greeting? What is your jam?

MEL: Illith splits their attention between the show and the beings around them. They’re trying to stand out but not too much. Obviously there’s people there they know and are trying to hobnob with, so they’re just kinda chilling, drinking, but also keeping an eye on the stage and a little bit on the crowd to keep an eye on who’s there.

NICK: Mm-hmm. There’s definitely some resentful glares from at least one of the models. When they get to the edge of the runway they pose and they’re all going for the serene look and they see Illith and they (angry grunt), and then there are some other people who start to look angry, look like they’re remembering something, and then kinda just drift off, like, what ever happened with that, you know, it was the experience. Probably a good 40% of the room at this point. The fashion industry is very well connected.

MEL: Very well connected.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna definitely spots this person and all their nice jewelry, and is weaving through the crowd like “I’m gonna get there eventually.”

NICK: The fashion show continues. There’s a point where all the lights go out and we get the camera from the blurred close-up of Illith talking to somebody and the focus goes to behind, and we get like The Ring where the lights go out and go back on and Xianna’s closer, and the lights go out and back on and Xianna’s like right behind Illith.

[laughter]

LAURA: You started hearing weird music in the background, like (hums Jaws theme).

MEL: It’s like that cat on the internet.

NICK: It’s exactly that.

MEL: Look away, and it’s closer.

NICK: Just very mischievous-looking facial expression on Xianna. Tink and Karma, are you observing this situation? What are you all doing?

CAMERON: Karma probably has grabbed a drink and is walking around but isn’t interacting with people as much as Xianna, because in settings like this especially she just kinda gives off the security vibe and is mostly flying under the radar being, like, she looks kinda scary, yeah, we’ll just pass over, because oh there’s a cool outfit over there. Not really drawing attention, not really engaging with anybody, because she looks like she should be working.

NICK: A Herglic in a very tight suit, so one of those big whale people, and an earpiece walks up  next to you without making eye contact presses into their ear and then looks side-eye at Karma.

NICK (as Herglic): How are we looking on Sector 3? Lando wants an update on the Selonians.

CAMERON: Have I walked past them? [laughs] Have I seen any Selonians in my time looking around?

NICK: There are some very raucous and drunk otter people in ball gowns that are off to the side and look to be just pushing a couple of Humans between them and giving them a hard time.

CAMERON (as Karma): The Selonians are a hot mess.

NICK (as Herglic): Roger that.

NICK: And he just walks off. [laughs] Tink, what are you up to?

HUDSON: Tink really attached himself to the fact that this is an upscale, high-end event, so he brushed his fur out which he doesn’t always do before getting ready and going into this place. With freshly brushed fur he puts his back a little bit straight, has this walk, what he thinks is a hoity-toity “I’m a rich fancy person” walk, and just has his chin up a little bit and just looks at people with this smirk, like “yeah, I belong here” and just walks among the crowd and goes in and out of people, and people might say hi or something and I’ll be like “quite right,” and then just keep walking.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And just kinda make laps around the room. It gets real awkward after like the fifth passing that people notice.

NICK: There’s a very, very tall male Twi’lek that’s yellow and he has the neck scarf looking lekku wrapped around, and really big sunglasses. He gets into your line of sight as you’re walking by saying quite right, lowers his glasses.

NICK (as Twi’lek): I can tell you belong here.

HUDSON: I just beam, and I just don’t know what to say, so I kinda wait an awkward amount of time to respond.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah—

NICK (as Twi’lek): Wha- Ye- Oh, you were gonna talk.

HUDSON (as Tink): [strained] Yeah.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Um, what do you think of the Long, Long Ago line? I think it’s one of their best.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um, wow, it is, um, so it, uh… Yeah. I think it is one of their best as well.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Quite right.

NICK: And he puts his sunglasses back up.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Illith, could you make me a Perception check please?

MEL: Yeah.

NICK: The difficulty is going to be hard, which is three purples. I’m gonna give you two blue dice, because you’re so socially aware, some of the people you’re talking to have noticed this Twi’lek tessering towards you, and you read that in the social cues.

MEL: [rolls]

CAMERON: Alright, so you have three successes and one threat.

NICK: Oh nice. I guess the threat is that Xianna makes it right up behind Illith, and then Illith, you sense that somebody has targeted you and is in your personal space. How do you respond?

MEL: Yeah, I think the threat is that Xianna manages to get closer than Illith usually lets someone, and as Xianna gets close Illith’s move at the last moment is to sweep further away and in between two people that were coming together to speak to begin with, so they put people between Xianna and them, and then begin an intimate conversation with another guest.

NICK: [chuckles] Okay. You remove from the situation.

MEL: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: Xianna probably bumps into those people.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh. Oopsies. So sorry. Um, that is my bad. Oopsies. Continue! Heh.

NICK (as Guest): Watch where you’re going. I was trying to talk to Illith. We never get to see them anymore.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t really care. Okay bye.

NICK (as Guest): Rude.

NICK: And the obviously model who didn’t get invited to this fashion show to be a model turns back to Illith, and I’m sure you console them on how much better they would have done.

MEL: Oh yeah.

NICK: Yeah.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, you poor dear.

NICK: And they immediately look like they feel better and offer to go get you a drink.

MEL (as Illith): Oh thank you.

NICK: About this point, as people settle in, the lights turn back up almost like the party is over.

NICK (as Announcer): If I could have your attention please. Everybody at the fashion consortium’s event of the year for the Long, Long Ago line, please turn your attention to the catwalk for our Peace de Resistance, the Heartbreaker robe.

[techno performance music starts]

NICK: The lights all go out and a single spotlight comes up. What you see is an almost completely naked Human man, just like an Adonis of a person, eight-pack, hexagonal, close cut buzz cut, classical features, sharp jaw, and he is walking down this catwalk with an imperious impression on his face, and all he is wearing is a little blue and gold thong, and the crowd falls completely silent.

[snickering and giggling]

MEL: Illith moves closer to the stage.

[laughter]

LAURA: Xianna has her scanner goggles on and is like—

MEL: (Zoop!)

LAURA: –like, (zoom!) Heh.

NICK: [laughs] The crowd has fallen completely silent as he pads almost silently down the catwalk, but you can hear his footsteps because he has everyone’s attention. As he gets towards the end of the catwalk you see that there’s a gold woven cord around his neck. He gets to the edge of the catwalk, winks, and then pivots on one foot revealing a shimmering, golden half-cape on his back.

MEL: [laughs]

NICK: Everyone gasps, and the music starts up again as he starts to walk back, flaunting his shiny cape.

NICK (as Announcer): The Heartbreaker cape was made from recovered ancient materials from an ancient Jedi tomb. We’ve remastered it into the feature of our show.

NICK: You just feel yourself drawn to this cape, like you can’t look away from it. This model is the most intriguing person.

CAMERON: When you say half-cape, you’re meaning short enough that we can still see his ass, right?

NICK: Oh, 100%.

MEL: Oh yeah!

CAMERON: Because if we can’t, it’s wrong.

LAURA: I was just about to say that, because if it doesn’t Xianna literally can look away, because there’s a butt.

NICK: Yeah. The cape drapes over the right shoulder blade and comes down to about mid-back on one side. It’s very much a fashion cape, one that marching bands would kind of wear, but shimmering and gold. Yeah, you see a good butt. You see a scientific donk. [laughs]

CAMERON: That’s Bespin’s ass.

[laughter]

NICK: Very good. Yeah, so he strides off stage and then comes back out and does it again with more of the floating press droids around. They wanted to give the crowd an uninterrupted view the first time, and you notice his feet step in the exact same spot like he’s done this walk. This is this model’s moment, this is his outfit, and it’s a good piece of art. It looks good.

CAMERON: He’s a good piece of art.

LAURA: Xianna starts looking around for Karma and Tink.

CAMERON: Karma’s there.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh! Okay, karma. Are we supposed to get that or something else? Because I feel like Sentinel told us that we needed the original, and that does not look like an original robe…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LAURA (as Xianna): …that Sentinel would want, unless he does.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, what I was curious on was is the thong required as well.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, I assumed so. It is a part of the outfit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. It’s the Heartbreaker robe, so…

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean…

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks like a lot of fabric is missing. I hope that’s not a problem.

LAURA (as Xianna): Unless it’s one of those mix and match bikini situations where you can buy the top separately from the bottom and then just pick the ones you want, and you know, although you still tend to buy one of each.

CAMERON (as Karma): The gold on the thong matched the cape perfectly.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, so you think it is a full set. Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think it at least has some of the fabric on the thong.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. We will get both.

LAURA: Xianna’s doing that eyes up, mapping it out in her head thing.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. We will get both the cape and the thong, but then also see if there is an original in the back to steal and/or buy and get that as well. We’ll just get all of it.

[music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah. I think we’re just looking for gold at this point. That seems to be the color, so let’s just grab any of it and hope that it’s what he needs.

LAURA (as Xianna): So do we want to just have someone out here bidding and then the rest of us go in the back and, you know, steal?

CAMERON (as Karma): He did say he wanted us to keep a low profile.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so we can still steal.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I don’t think Tink should go backstage.

LAURA: [laughs] And Xianna, like—

NICK: Tink has like the second highest Stealth rating out of all of you.

CAMERON: Tink is very stealthy, however he’s a giant, white Gigoran. [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna reaches a hand into one of the hidden pockets and pulls her hand back out and there’s two necklaces and a bracelet and a wallet.

LAURA (as Xianna): I already stole this, you know.

LAURA: And then puts it back.

LAURA (as Xianna): Sneaky!

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, sure. I’ll be the bidder. I’ll go find Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, and remember, I am still technically dead, so can’t put me on a wanted poster.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I mean, they could, just you’re—

LAURA (as Xianna): No. That’s not how it works, because I am dead. Heh.

CAMERON (as Karma): They can still put your picture on a wanted poster, they just don’t necessarily know your name is Xianna. They can still say hey, that purple Twi’lek did this thing, we need her. That’s how wanted posters work. They don’t need to know your real identity.

LAURA (as Xianna): [huffs]

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re still probably wanted in some areas even though you are actually supposedly dead. A lot of people still don’t know that, because it probably wasn’t linked to your actual criminal account.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t think that’s how it works. I’m gonna go find Tink. Heh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.

NICK: There’s a model looking guy with a very open silk shirt and he’s walking by holding two martini glasses in one hand.

NICK (as Guy): Man, that’s an intense conversation.

NICK: And just walks away from the two of you like he overheard.

HUDSON: Tink was walking around and just bumps into Illith.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Sorry.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, that’s quite alright. Are you alright?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, yeah, just a little jostled I should say. Did you see that situation on stage a little earlier?

MEL (as Illith): Oh yes, I saw it very well.

HUDSON: Yeah, that guy’s ripped.

CAMERON: [laughs]

MEL (as Illith): You could say that.

HUDSON (as Tink): I did.

[laughter]

MEL (as Illith): Well done. Well said.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you~ So, what are you doing around here?

MEL (as Illith): Oh? Just like you, I assume. I’m here to see the fashion show and appreciate some art.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah. Yeah, same here.

MEL (as Illith): You look like you belong here.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, you’re the second person who’s told me that and I’m just getting all these warm fuzzies. Thank you.

MEL (as Illith): Oh, you’re quite welcome.

NICK: [smiling] There’s just a glow coming off of Tink at this point, just a happy guy. The lights don’t snap on as much as they did before the finale of the fashion show, but an announcement comes on as the lights start to dim up.

NICK (as Announcer): We’ll be starting the auction for the originals of the fashion show in the next 20 minutes. Please grab whatever drinks and funds that you need and step into the next room.

NICK: People start to funnel into the ballroom.

LAURA: Do we still have our coms in?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Xianna gets on the com.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Reverse the earlier plan. We are going to steal the thong {ze song}.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sorry, the what?

LAURA (as Xianna): The thong!

CAMERON (as Karma): The music? No, no…

LAURA (as Xianna): Don’t make me say the butt floss.

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, the thong~!

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

NICK & HUDSON: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [giggles]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 45 From Hootenanny to Afterparty

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 45:
From Hootenanny to Afterparty

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Not a lot of announcements this week, space friends, but I do want to take a second to let you know that we have a metric ton of bonus content hitting the Patreon feed over the next couple of months. Some of it may wander to the main feed at some point, but if you want to see what’s been going on in the background of the plot or see some of your favorite side characters make new appearances I would strongly recommend you check out Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer available only to our $5 and up patrons.

Podcast music this week is Pink Fish Signs (Take Two) by GeeNerve, Drive Fast by Three Chain Links, and The String by 2L8.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

[musical chime]
Hi, I’m Lilit and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I was going by an old name during this recording and while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name when discussing the episode. Thanks!
[musical chime]

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 45. It’s a pleasant day, more towards evening really. I should really think of things to say for this part. I’ve really run out of conversation topics. What’s your favorite pet? I like iguanas. Alright… We’re gonna go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma, a Nailo—[laughs]

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: A nylon bounty hunter!

CAMERON: Oh no! No, a Nailo, she is a Nailo, that’s true, but that’s her last name. [grinning] I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I tried to just say my first name and it messed it up. [exasperated, giggling] I can’t do it!

NICK: It’s gonna be okay, Cameron. You’re okay.

CAMERON: [giggling] No~!

NICK: It’s gonna be fine. Okay, so before we get into the recap let’s do the Destiny Roll~

HUDSON: Hai-yah!

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: Two dark side.

HUDSON: Boo~

NICK: Yay.

LAURA: No~ Not my fault.

HUDSON: You rolled it.

LAURA: It’s the dice’s fault.

NICK: You have to just make some new ones, I guess. So, when we last played you were in a very large armed conflict against the Empire launching a big assault on the shield facility on the planet Fygo in the city of Sart. You were able to destroy four out of the five artillery emplacements and also slow the final one down pretty good, and it got stuck. You were able to basically stop the Imperial assault from the beach. Tink was ambushed by a whole bunch of stormtroopers. Xianna went and rescued him.

CAMERON: Grenade sandwich.

NICK: Grenade sandwich did happen, you’re right. Specialist Kevin was struck down in the line of duty.

HUDSON: Rest in peace.

NICK: Yep, and then Karma split up from the group to go try to protect the shield facility, had a major Rambo moment shooting up the whole place and keeping the assault from getting too over the top, and everybody met up on an embankment and that’s where the episode ended. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: I do have a crit on me right now. I am Compromised, so I have an extra difficulty until the end of the encounter, on all of my checks.

NICK: Ooh, that’s gonna be…

CAMERON: Yep, so I have an extra purple die here to remind myself.

NICK: Okay, that’s good. So, we’re gonna go ahead and get started. We open on the entire resistance force that the crew of the Afternoon Delight has assembled. We see everyone: Tink, Xianna, Karma, HK, Neato, Specialist Talon, and Smith and Weathers, all in smoky silhouettes on a mound of city rubble. The air is hazy and full of the sounds of blaster fire. A rumble shakes your feet as a single distant artillery cannon fires destroying a building. There is a hoard of stormtroopers in front of you working to fight their way into the shield facility. They have two operating cannons that are firing into the front of the building and you can see the structure starting to crumble. Occasionally return fire comes from the militia, but you can’t tell how many there are or what their situation is.

Where we’re gonna resolve this, because this is going to be the big, climactic, sort of Lord of the Rings running down the hill sort of fight thing, I want everybody to say what the thing they are contributing to trying to break this charge is. You will get a roll, and then we will put together how the scene goes based on how everybody does at their individual actions. So when you think of how you want to try to impact this being vastly outnumbered by superior firepower situation, speak up.

HUDSON: We’re on top of the hill?

NICK: Yeah, there’s a barricade built out of rubble and stuff and you all are standing on that looking out over the parade ground where you were originally except this time it’s full of alive and dead stormtroopers and cannons, and most of them aren’t paying attention to you, they’re trying to get into the shield facility. The militia is currently losing, they probably need some help, because if they get into the shield facility they’re gonna turn off the shield and then you will be exploded from space.

LAURA: Do they have any transport vehicles, ATSTs or anything like that?

NICK: They have those two kind of shielded cannon contraptions that they dropped, but they don’t have any of the big walkers or anything like that, {because they don’t wanna drop pod}—

LAURA: How—

CAMERON: But there were like 20 drop pods, right?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, can you rig up the rockets on a drop pod to launch into the stormtroopers?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think I could do something like that, but that doesn’t exactly get us in, yet.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, we’re trying to clear the way though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): A drop pod rocket. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! How about this? Alright. Multiple ideas going on at the same time, here we go!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): We got the rockets launching. They’re gonna be like “ahh, rockets!” and then try to run away a little bit, but some of them will run forward and try to get us so that they run away from the rockets toward us, so if we have enough shovels we dig under, or we find a sewer system.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Shovel idea out, I do not want to do manual labor. Sewer system, maybe, I don’t know if this place has a sewer or not.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, when you gotta go it has to go somewhere.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, but not necessarily in an underground sewer.

HUDSON (as Tink): Above ground sewers sound gross.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, Sart has been under attack for like three months too, so I don’t know how well the infrastructure is holding up.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, we have this hill that we could duck behind and use as cover, which seems like a quicker solution to the digging or the excavating of the sewage system.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): But I like the creativity that’s happening here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. I’m owed gold stars already, I feel like I just earned more.

NICK: As you’re talking, you see that the smaller cannon platforms fire and a big chunk of the wall of the shield facility collapses in, and you can see a couple of militia members scrambling further back into the base as stormtroopers start to push forward in a final charge.

CAMERON: I would like to whip my rocket launcher off of my shoulder and shoot the cannon.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: That’s my big firepower.

NICK: [chuckles] So, you’re all talking strategy and long-term things and this happens, and you’re like “I’m gonna slow this down.”

CAMERON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be hard. You’re at long range right now.

CAMERON: What if I run forward?

NICK: I mean, you could interrupt your conversation, sprint down the hill, and get to medium range before shooting. Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughing] Because it is at increased difficulty, so I’d rather not make a daunting check.

NICK: Yeah, So, in the middle of y’all’s conversation that happens and Karma looks forward and says “one second,” and runs off down the hill carrying a rocket launcher and takes a shot.

CAMERON: I’m guessing since it just shot I don’t get my blue die for the fact that it’s not engaged with me.

NICK: Nope, sorry.

CAMERON: Well…

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: I am gonna aim my rocket launcher, though.

NICK: Yeah, you can aim.

CAMERON: [rolls]

NICK: That’s a lot of successes.

CAMERON: That’s six successes, but three threats.

[laughter]

NICK: YAY! You had collected two rockets, right?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: I think this rocket looked a little different, like it had more stabilization fins on the back, it looked a little bigger. It slots into the rocket launcher just fine. So you drop down to one knee and you fire and this has a lot more kick than it previously did. With that many successes there’s not even a need to calculate damage. There’s a mini mushroom cloud as this thing explodes. Stormtroopers scatter everywhere. You’ve taken down this cannon, but also the kickback knocks you onto your back and you fall prone [dramatic bass noise] in the middle of this field, and a bunch of stormtroopers look at you as they see where the source of this explosion is from. I think they assumed they had killed you before. The fact that you just ran back down this hill again… So, there’s probably about 25 stormtroopers that turn around and start to move towards you and fire at you.

CAMERON: I forget. If people are shooting at me, is it better to be on the ground because I’m harder to hit?

NICK: Yeah, they get a black die.

CAMERON: Okay. I don’t get up, then.

NICK: Okay. You just stay down?

CAMERON: [laughing] I’m just like, sitting there, like whoops!

NICK: You roll behind a rock or something. Okay! That was step one, one of the cannons has been destroyed by a rocket launcher.

CAMERON: Was it the cannon by the 30 or the cannon by the 10?

NICK: We’ll say it’s by the 30, because a majority of them turned around and are now shooting at you.

CAMERON: Okay.

LAURA: Okay, so how difficult would it be to kind of go off to the side and loop around everything and then come back behind one of the shielded cannons, and say, sneak into it? Up inside the cannon, or just whoever is shooting it, I don’t know.

NICK: Hmm… That’s a good question. One thing in your advantage is you’re already behind the cannons, because they’re pointed at the shield facility. That would be good. There’s only one left, you could loop around. What I would say is with a successful stealth roll you would be able to get close to it. It’s like an open air thing. Imagine a really beefy motorcycle with a cannon strapped to the front of it. It’s like a car with no frame, basically, like the bottom part with the moving transmission with the cannon on the front and with a bunch of shielding on the front. it’s been stripped down. It’s like if you took a tank and were like “this needs to be light enough to enter from orbit and not explode.”

CAMERON: I’m picturing like a jeep.

LAURA: Okay, yeah. I at first was thinking of a different type of shielded cannon that’s in Star Wars stuff. I know what you mean now.

NICK: Yeah. You would be able to get close to it. There are 10 stormtroopers around it, so I doubt you would be able to get into the driving position from it, but if you wanted to you could probably get to there.

LAURA: Okay, then I want to go to there.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Stealth roll.

HUDSON: It’s just Xianna going?

NICK: Unless you want to go with her.

HUDSON: I have an idea to save karma.

NICK: Okay. We’ll do Xianna, because I think as Karma ran down the hill Xianna took that moment and was like “I wanna go play with this” and ran off that direction. As all the PCs scatter to the winds all the NPCs look at each other and are like (confused noise) and do a shrug, and then start shooting.

CAMERON (as HK): Suppressing fire.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah.

LAURA: One, what difficulty, and then two, Xianna does pull out a bag of impact and takes some on her way.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, I’m going to go. Bye Tink.

NICK: Sneaking through a battlefield with special forces being very aware in the middle of a firefight I think is a daunting task, but if you succeed you will be right up next to the cannon in the middle of all these people, or wherever you wanna be in that situation.

LAURA: Daunting is four, right?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay!

NICK: But I’m not going to flip a dark side point.

LAURA: Debating whether  or not I want to flip one to get an extra green.

NICK: It might be a good idea, because if you get caught in this it’s gonna be real bad.

LAURA: I’m gonna do it!

HUDSON: That’s a good idea.

NICK: That’s a lot of dice.

LAURA: Impact.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Okay, so I have a triumph with a success, four more successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Wow! Okay. I’m just gonna give you narrative control to kind of do whatever you want with that, because you also have a triumph, tons of successes… I think that you are able to loop around to kind of the edge of the battlefield, and there’s a lot of smoke and haze in this area, and you just do the anime style vanish into the smoke and reappear in other places, and you are a ghost. What are you trying to achieve with your stealthiness here?

[funky, smooth action music starts]

LAURA: Xianna sneaks into some sort of coverage, maybe a large rock or boulder, and does the very classic thing of picking up a smaller rock and throwing it so everyone looks in that direction, and while the stormtroopers have now gathered into a smaller area, say maybe they’re all engaged with each other spatial-wise if we were to assign it some sort of range, and are looking where the sound was near the cannon, Xianna throws two detonators at them.

NICK: Oh. Okay. That would be a ranged attack, light. We’ll give you, I don’t know, probably two blue dice for your amazing Stealth roll. You can use your triumph to just automatically activate the Blast if you want.

LAURA: Sure.

NICK: What is the damage on a thermal detonator? Do we know?

[music fades]

LAURA: Um…

NICK: Because we were using it narratively before.

LAURA: Ooh, I have frag grenades.

NICK: A thermal detonator does a lot more than a frag grenade does.

LAURA: Thermal detonator, Ranged: Light, Damage 20…

NICK: [bursts into laughter]

LAURA: …Crit 2, Range short, Blast 15, Breech 1, Vicious 4, Limited Ammo 1.

NICK: Holy cow, and you wanna throw two?

LAURA: I’m throwing… Ooh, actually, I didn’t realize it did 20 damage, 15 Blast, and Breech, and Vicious.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: I don’t even remember what Vicious does.

NICK: It increases the Crit.

LAURA: I’m just gonna throw one.

CAMERON: Xianna knows how powerful they are.

NICK: If you threw two I was just gonna increase the difficulty of your attack by one and do the dual wielding rules, which would be very neat, but I think you would know a thermal detonator will kill anyone within the range.

[music resumes]

With all of your Stealth successes, you got them all to cluster not just by throwing a rock but by them seeing you and then you vanishing into the smoke and then running to investigate. You manipulated them quite a bit.

LAURA: Yeah. I did it so that they would all be in one area looking away from where I ended up.

NICK: Which is short range.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Which means you have to throw it and run, because the blast radius is probably that big.

LAURA: Yeah. I mean, that’s half the reason why I needed them to be looking the other direction was so that I could throw it and then just start booking it without having to worry about getting away stealthily, because give me a few extra seconds before, you know, they realize they’re about to explode.

NICK: Yep, okay, it’s short ranged so that’s an easy ranged attack, light, and Blast is already activated because of your triumph from your Stealth, so that’s immediately 15 damage.

LAURA: [smiling] Seven successes and two advantages.

NICK: Wow. Okay. Y’all are not going to find thermal detonators again for a while. [others laugh] I didn’t realize that they took down ships. There were 10 stormtroopers in that general area. I think there are two operating the tank thingy, but the other eight are just vaporized. How many advantages was it?

LAURA: Two.

NICK: Two? Which is a crit. Do you want to also have stopped the cannon’s advance or something like that narratively interesting with your advantages, or are you trying to hijack the cannon?

LAURA: I do like the idea of hijacking the cannon, so I think with everything I was able to draw them far enough away from the actual cannon that when I threw the detonator it didn’t truly damage the cannon. There might be some singe marks on it but no actual damage.

NICK: We’ll have you do like one attack roll to try to hijack the cannon / shoot it where you wanna shoot it, and we’ll give you two blue dice on that for how distracting.

LAURA: Cool!

[music stops]

NICK: You are a one person ambush. We see Xianna do that, just making disastrous work of this military. The skill of this combat was not expecting small nuclear warheads to be involved, but that’s very cool. Then we go to Tink. You said you were trying to help Karma?

HUDSON: Yeah. Just to make sure I’m clear on this, Karma’s at the bottom of the hill and I’m at the top, right?

NICK: She’s at the bottom of the hill and then a ways further forward.

HUDSON: Okay. I’m like:

HUDSON (as Tink): We need to save Karma!

HUDSON: I reach in my utility belt and throw out a frag grenade, and I yell as loud as I can towards Karma…

HUDSON (as Tink): This is for you! Hurt them with this!

HUDSON: …and I do like a hook shot, a Kobe if you will, and throw it towards Karma.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: Now does she hear me, or does she think I’m grenading her? Do I need to roll for that?

NICK: I don’t think you need to roll. What do we think is more interesting? I do kinda like the idea of her not hearing you, because she’s far enough away and you’re in the middle of a war.

HUDSON: I just don’t know how far away.

NICK: She’s one range band. You can throw her one.

CAMERON: [laughing] It just- I don’t hear it. I’m distracted because I just fell, I sit up slightly, and I see what Xianna’s doing, and I’m like “oh my gosh…”

NICK: You’re also very heavily under fire right now.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: If the stormtroopers make an attack you might die, is where we’re at.

CAMERON: Yeah, and then a grenade just shows up next to me, and I do the shy away from it and then realize that apparently all of Tink’s grenades have pins in them, so I realize that the pin is still in it and I’m like “oh, hey, I’ve got a grenade” and I pick it up.

NICK: [laughs] Okay, so you have a grenade. You were like behind a rock that’s about the size of your head trying to use that as cover.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: So, what do we want the NPCs to do? I just want them to kind of act as a group.

CAMERON (as HK): Suppressing fire.

NICK: Do they just charge down the hill shooting and try to draw people off?

CAMERON: Yeah. Distract them so that not all of the guns are shooting at me. [laughs]

NICK: You all hear over the coms, you hear HK say:

NICK (as HK): Tactical Evaluation: Primary user under direct threat. Follow me.

NICK: HK just goes sprinting down the hill and starts shooting.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

NICK (as Neato): Suppressing fire!

NICK: Talon is just yelling and shooting, and Smith and Weathers are shoulder to shoulder running down the hill, so this group of your friends is running towards one of the original blown out cannon and are trying to make that for cover, and they manage to draw a decent amount of the stormtroopers’ fire. Could you roll me a Force die, please?

CAMERON: Two dark side.

NICK: Oh no… Can you roll me – agh, this is so many stormtroopers – four yellows at a hard difficulty, because they’re at long range. Yep…

CAMERON: Do they have a black die for my rock?

NICK: They’re not shooting at you. This is the stormtroopers shooting at the group.

CAMERON: Oh, okay. Oh no~ Oh, okay… One failure, one triumph, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. The group is moving fast enough, and there’s all the smoke, and it’s difficult to see, so none of them get hit, but the stormtroopers rally and start to lay down normal fire. They’re gonna have two blue dice at the next person they shoot at, and… What should their triumph be? I think their triumph is that a stormtrooper throws their own thermal detonator and blows up the rest of that cannon so there is no cover for this group. They’re just standing in the middle of an open field now. That lays out the situation. I don’t think we need to dice roll for the rest of this. I think we’re going to be okay except for the stormtroopers are gonna get a shot at Karma before this is over.

CAMERON: [weakly] I would like to throw my grenade.

NICK: Yeah. We’re just gonna make this into one last dice roll and it’s going to be you all versus all of them and then let’s just describe cinematically how this goes. Does that sound good?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Because mass combat in this situation isn’t very interesting…

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: …as shown by suddenly in the rules we’re able to kill 10 elite stormtroopers in one throw, which is very neat, or like you killed 35 with a cannon earlier. There’s a lot going on. One, I need you to roll me another Force die, because let’s find out how the militia is doing.

CAMERON: Hudson or Laura, you roll this one, mine didn’t go well.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: One Force die?

NICK: Yep.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Hey nice! As this is happening, 15-20 of the militia members – so the numbers are getting close to even at this point – come charging out of the shield facility, because you’re divided the fire enough, and they take up position in the rubble and start to shoot back, so that’s good, that’s going well. I think it’s just down to this last stormtrooper roll. It’s gonna be four yellows versus two purples and they have two blue dice. Yup. Yes, they can have a black die because of your rock.

HUDSON: [snickers]

CAMERON: I would like to flip a light side point to make it harder to hit me. [giggles]

NICK: Sure. Yeah, seems fair.

CAMERON: So I upgrade one of the purples to a red, then?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: I’m sure it’ll be fine.

NICK: This roll isn’t just shooting at Karma, this is them fighting back, and we’ll figure out how this goes.

CAMERON: Four successes and a triumph.

NICK: [inhales] Okay. The stormtroopers fall into a defensive position. They’re in a ring shooting in every direction. Four successes and a triumph, so karma, you are going to take 10 damage because you are the one most exposed in this situation.

CAMERON: Oh no…

NICK: Yeah, and a crit.

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh no~

NICK: Because you are the main target. Everybody else kinda did support things. This is combat, this is your focus, but you were also the focus. Let’s roll that crit and see how you do.

CAMERON: 62 plus 10 so a 72.

HUDSON: Hamstrung: Lose free maneuver until end of encounter.

[smooth electronic/techno music starts]

NICK: You get hit. It hurts. You’re pinned down. You’re exhausted. This has been a rough eight hours. [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s been a long, like, past 15 minutes for me.

NICK: Yeah. You’re just moving slow, you’ve got that dramatic action hero limp. Tink, did you charge down the hill at any point? Are you still up on the hill?

HUDSON: Nope, just still up on the hill.

NICK: Okay, well you don’t get shot then. Xianna, you’re behind a cannon, so they don’t shoot you. HK probably takes a hit. How much health does HK have?

HUDSON: 40 or something.

NICK: Oh no, not very much, he got hit earlier.

CAMERON: I did send HK with a droid repair kit, to Tink.

NICK: Yeah, he didn’t use it.

CAMERON: So he has one on him.

NICK: Yeah. He is hit for, we’ll say, 8 damage which puts him at 1 hit point remaining. He gets blasted up, but in doing so none of the NPCs are eviscerated. HK is laying suppressing fire, having a grand old time. You just hear over the com, besides people on this open frequency – and you also can hear the Imperial frequency, so it’s just a lot of noise of people calling out shots and saying where the formations are and where targets are – and over all of that you just hear HK going:

NICK (as HK): [ascending wild laughter]

NICK: [breathes] So, Xianna, at this point how do you remove the operating stormtroopers from this cannon and then what do you do with it?

LAURA: How many stormtroopers are on this cannon?

NICK: Two. You have a fine gunner that is aiming and then a person whose job seems to be to do the big aiming and also the driving.

CAMERON: The gunner is real good looking.

NICK: Like the fi—

CAMERON: They fiiine.

NICK: Okay, great, thanks.

CAMERON: You’re welcome.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah…

CAMERON: We can tell, through the stormtrooper helmet. They are a good looking individual.

LAURA: I’m thinking I would just shoot them at this point.

NICK: Okay. Yeah. You plug both of them in the back. They were very focused on trying to take that one last shot now that the militia has run out into the open. You’re able to jump into this cannon. The aiming is done like the old World War II battleships where you have to crank the wheels to move the cannon around. [laughs] You have one for left and right and one for up and down.

LAURA: [laughs] We’ve figured out interplanetary travel but can’t figure out how to make a cannon without hand cranks.

NICK: You know…

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: Sometimes you just really need to hand crank a cannon, if you know what I mean.

[laughter]

HUDSON: They still sell trucks with the manual windows.

NICK: But also that’s a very Star Wars thing, that the cannons have manual cranks. It was to strip weight for the drop pod thing. There you go. The electric aimers were heavy.

LAURA: Because the hand cranks weigh less?!

CAMERON: [laughing] {There’s no lighter.}

NICK: Sure! Whatever.

CAMERON: I feel- No, I feel like no.

LAURA: I feel like that’s wrong.

NICK: Is that what we’re focused on in this massive set piece?

LAURA & CAMERON: Yes!

NICK: [laughs] I’m not taking it back. It’s got hand cranks. What do you do with your cannon?

LAURA: I wanna shoot some stormtroopers!

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Go pew-pew. Boom.

NICK: You shoot the stormtroopers right into the middle of the formation. You’re able to fire a couple of times before the cannon just jams up and gets stuck and shuts down, but you pretty much shatter their formation. HK is just blasting at will into this group. Your group of supporters are also shooting. You hear Neato over the coms say:

NICK (as Neato): We’ve got the Imperials on the run now, chums. Let’s turn this hoedown into an afterparty.

NICK: He’s taking down troopers. Karma, I imagine you are also shooting into the group.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: The militia charge out and the stormtroopers surrender. We get down to there’s like four or five left including one with one of those shoulder flappies that show that they’re important, and they drop their weapons and put up their hands.

NICK (as Stormtrooper): We- We surrender. There, uh… fight’s over.

NICK: They put up their hands. Tink, were you just like cheering them on from the hill?

HUDSON: Yeah. I haven’t moved from the hill.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: He’s triumphantly waving his axe around.

HUDSON: Yeah, just waving my axe.

NICK: Cool. The militia runs out of cover, takes the stormtroopers hostage, and you can see General Karthage with a very large bandage on her shoulder, just soot streaked through her face, and you can see most of her hair which was already cut very short singed down to the scalp on one side. She takes a cigar out of a hip pouch and just thrusts it into the fire of some nearby wreckage of the cannon and sticks it in between her teeth and walks towards you all, looking around. She has that stone-faced look of a commander looking at the end of a battlefield which has a lot of militia members on it, probably only about a third of them survived just at a glance. She walks towards Karma while kinda eyeing Xianna to see if Xianna’s gonna get out of the cannon or not and does a gesture towards Tink up on his hill.

HUDSON: I run down the hill.

NICK: Xianna, do you come towards the group or do you stay in your cannon?

LAURA: Xianna had been so concerned with the cannon jamming up that she had been hitting it and cursing it and trying to unjam it, and even kicking it and hurting herself because she kicked it too hard with her foot that’s missing some toes.

NICK: Aw.

LAURA: They’re healed, but they’re still a little sore, so she’s jumping up and down on one foot just letting out a real good stream of curses in Rylothi? Twi’lek? Whichever one it is.

NICK: I believe the language is called Bib Fortuna.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: In Bib Fortuna-ese. She has not noticed that the stormtroopers have surrendered yet. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Okay. Great. General Karthage walks up to Karma as Tink comes puffing down the hill.

CAMERON: Karma slowly gets up off the ground.

NICK: Karthage reaches down a hand and grasps you by the forearm and pulls you to your feet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you.

NICK (as Karthage): Well, it seems like we’ve made it out of this in one piece.

CAMERON: Karma looks down and checks.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh? Oh yeah.

NICK (as Karthage): Maybe mostly in one piece. I don’t know how to thank you all. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I don’t know what happened, but the artillery stopped. Clearly you broke this massive charge. I don’t think that the Empire is going to be able to make any sort of financial argument for this being worth it at this point.

CAMERON: Karma stretches and then hunches back over and holds her side.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think they probably should have given up a while ago, though, so y’all may wanna try and figure out something to do with that star destroyer.

NICK (as Karthage): Well, at least their ground forces have been decimated. We’ll have some time to regroup. For now, I think at this point we’re going to need to abandon the city. We’ll take to the jungles, maybe head for another city, it’s only a couple hundred clicks away, we’ll probably make it, but we wouldn’t have been able to leave without y’all’s help so thank you.

NICK: Tink, at this point you arrive, and Neato and the rest of the crew arrives.

NICK (as Neato): Well, it looks like we’ve been successful, chums.

NICK: He climbs onto the little rock that Karma was using as cover and plants a foot successfully there, and just looks at Tink, and looks back at everybody else, and looks at Tink.

NICK (as Neato): If only there was some sort of dramatic pose to celebrate our victory.

HUDSON: I breathe really hard and put my hands on my knees.

HUDSON (as Tink): [huffing] Miss Karthage, can, um—

NICK (as Karthage): General.

HUDSON (as Tink): General Karthage, could I get a stim pack? And Hank is not looking good.

NICK: Hank’s—

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [smiling] An arm is barely attached by one little strut, and his gun, the barrels are all smoking bright red like they’ve overheated. He puts the gun into the ground and steam rises up from it, and there’s a big gaping char wound in his chest.

NICK (as HK): Assertion: I am damaged.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you give Tink the repair kit that I sent with you?

NICK: I don’t know how a droid would be able to roll its eyes when it’s just lights, but you really get that impression. There’s the shoulder slump and the head roll and everything.

NICK (as HK): I was a little busy… suppressing fire?

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a no, then? Do you wanna give it to Tink now?

NICK: HK is kind of behind Tink and off to the side a little and pulls from a back secured strap a mechanics thing and just throws it, and it hits Tink in the back of the head.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That was unnecessary. There’s no need for that.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whispering] Sorry!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: HK just stares stilly into space. I think at this point you hear from across the now quiet battlefield you hear Xianna say something triumphantly.

LAURA: You hear her like jumping up and down.

LAURA (as Xianna): Fuck yes! I did it!

NICK: [laughs] The cannon goes off and you hear the whistle of a plasma ball go flying by. It’s over your heads by like 10-15 meters, but it’s a little close, and it hits a building on the far side and the building starts to list and collapse. [explosion] Xianna, you look up and realize the battle seems to have been over for a while.

LAURA: Once the building collapses there’s that moment of silence and you just hear very quietly in the distance Xianna being like:

LAURA (as Xianna): Oops…

[laughter]

NICK: It echoes slightly in the silence.

HUDSON: Can Neato jump on my back?

NICK: Neato’s still waiting for someone to triumphantly grab his leg so he can do his pose.

HUDSON: Oh. I grab him and throw him on my back.

HUDSON (as Tink): For Neato’s a jolly good Rodian, for Neato’s a jolly good Rodian.

NICK: You grab Neato and toss him up on your shoulders and start singing.

NICK (as Neato): Whoa. Wait, hey. Hey chum, I, uh, really prefer for my dogs to be on the ground if you understand. I’m up in the air here. I don’t know exactly what you—[stammers] Well… For Neato’s a jolly good Rodian~

LAURA (as Xianna): For Neato’s a jolly good Rodian~

[laughter]

NICK: Yep. So, I think we fade out from that scene. You all debrief with Karthage. Karthage is going to assemble any civilians that are left, all of the militia, and basically just evacuate the city during the quiet from this situation. You all are able to leave the city limits, and we come to you on the edge of the jungle, you’ve gone to the part of the shield that’s the closest and you can see that this large blue-green shield stops about half a meter above the ground, and you know that if you can get outside of it that you can use your stratopacks, which you still have. We haven’t talked about them in a while.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: It’s a big footlocker. I think you probably left them with the militia members when you went to do your big assault and then after it was over you picked them back up. You’ve had to hike outside of the city, but you do have Neato with you. We start the scene with Neato saying:

NICK (as Neato): Well, we didn’t exactly win, but we didn’t lose either. Close enough! Onto the next thing, right chums?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is Neato joining our team?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink!

LAURA (as Xianna): No. Neato is joining the other team.

CAMERON (as Karma): Beta Squad!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

NICK (as HK): Plaintive Statement: You already have a sniper.

CAMERON (as Karma): Very true, HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

CAMERON (as Karma): How are you feeling now that Tink fixed you with that repair kit?

NICK: It’s just like a durasteel plate has been welded onto the front, but everything looks about the same.

LAURA: Just some duct tape.

NICK: Yeah. HK looks down, looks up.

NICK (as HK): I mean, I’ve been worse.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. You did have a hole in your chest when we first met.

NICK (as HK): How come I always get shot in the chest? You’d think some other part of me would take damage.

NICK: Sparks shoot out of HK’s shoulder.

CAMERON: Karma points at the arm and then puts her hand down and thinks better of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, you’re just, you’re very wiry.

NICK (as HK): Ha. Ha. Ha.

CAMERON (as Karma): [nervous forced laugh]

HUDSON (as Tink): Your chest protrudes is what they’re trying to say.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, funny pun, but also your chest is the largest piece to shoot for you mechanic-wise, so it kinda makes sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK: Neato throws an arm over Karma, avoiding her injuries, and an arm over Tink.

CAMERON: [laughing] Like puts his hand on Tink’s shoulder.

NICK: Yeah.

NICK (as Neato): Well, now that this afterparty is well underway, how are we gonna get out of here exactly, chums?

LAURA (as Xianna): We crawl underneath the shield and then we hit the little buttons on the reverse parachutes.

CAMERON: We put on our backpacks.

HUDSON: I have a question out of character.

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: How shiny and heavy are the medals we got from General Karthage?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You didn’t get any medals.

LAURA: No medals.

CAMERON: There was a very intense medal ceremony where all of these rebels that we didn’t know showed up.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: But you didn’t get one, you just made an angry noise.

HUDSON: No ceremony where there’s music and I’m walking down an aisle and then I just randomly go (sound resembling Chewbacca in final scene of A New Hope)?

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: You don’t get a medal.

CAMERON: Yep, and Karma and Xianna get medals, and you and HK don’t.

LAURA: Xianna becomes a general.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh no!

CAMERON: You can tell by the stripes on her pants.

LAURA: Or at the very least a captain at first, and then a general.

NICK: Yeah, I forgot about that. That’s a poor organizational decision.

LAURA: [laughs] Yeah, it makes no sense.

NICK: Okay. You all crawl under the shield?

CAMERON & HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: We get a scene of you all slapping these—remember they look like stainless steel briefcases with just a big red button on them, and you strap them on like backpacks. You look like kids on the first day of school putting your shiny, new backpacks on. Neato slides into his and secures the straps.

CAMERON: Karma shifts her rocket launcher and blaster to the front so that she can put the backpack on. Leaves the sword to the back though, that’ll work.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

NICK (as Neato): So we hit these big red buttons and we go to space, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, and then it lights a beacon, and the ship hopefully comes and picks us up, before we run out of oxygen.

NICK: HK says…

NICK (as HK): Assertion: That will not be a problem for me.

NICK: …and hits the button over his shoulder. You see there’s a pulse of blue light and HK is hovering about a meter off the ground, and then you hear a sound like an old ocean-going vessel sail unfurling, and then HK just shoots up into the air super-fast.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay everybody, press the button, because we all need to be close.

CAMERON: Karma button presses.

HUDSON: I button press.

LAURA: Xianna button presses.

NICK: Neato stands there for a minute as you all shoot up into the atmosphere.

CAMERON (as Karma): Press the button!

NICK (as Neato): Well, sally forth into the great, blue beyond, eh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Press the button!

NICK: And hits his own button, and jumps and flies up. It’s like reverse skydiving, so it’s like the same speed as falling at terminal velocity but you’re going up instead of down. The backpack isn’t pulling you by the straps, it’s like a field around you that’s lifting you up, so it’s  not super uncomfortable, it’s just a really weird feeling to see the ground falling away at this speed, but you don’t really have any control, it’s just happening.

You slow down as you get further and further up. You can see the curve of the planet. You can see the size of the continent that you were on that you remember from when you drop podded in. you come to the extent of what the stratopack can do for you. You’re in a pretty tight cluster, because you rose straight up and the winds were consistent, and you float on the barest edge of the atmosphere. You can feel your lungs starting to burn from lack of oxygen and you can feel the tug of your skin pulling away from you in the low pressure. You’re not dying, but you could make a good run at it if you were given enough time. You all hear your stratopacks beeping gently and you see a star dislodge from the distance and move towards you.

[occasional TIE fighter noises begin]

That’s when you hear the howling of something much closer. A massive green bolt flies through the middle of your group, burning the air around you and scattering you apart on the buoyant field of your stratopacks. A TIE fighter blazes past, almost hitting you with its solar panels, and begins to come around for another run. What do you do?

[noises pause]

CAMERON: I shoot it with my rocket launcher.

[laughter]

LAURA: Okay! But before you do that, how hard would it be to time throwing, say, a detonator at it as it flies by?

NICK: I think that you would be able to. The hardest thing would be putting it in proximity timers. The detonators are really useful. At least in the video games you can throw them to explode on contact or explode on a timer, but the thing that would be hard is getting it into the TIE fighter’s range and  not being within the range itself, as you cannot run away, so it would be probably a hard throw. I would say it would also be a hard rocket shot, and I would let you two do that at the same time as it’s coming back towards you.

[TIE fighter noises continue]

You’re floating in space and Xianna goes for a thermal detonator and Karma pulls her rocket launcher up as the TIE fighter is doing that howling approach towards you. It’s shooting at you, but not very close, because it’s hard to aim a space plane at a person. They’re not designed for that.

[upbeat hopeful music begins]

You can see the star destroyer floating in the distance and it’s shooting turbo lasers into the inky blackness, so it’s engaged with something else right now. You can see in the far distance the Tallahassee Quagmire, that weird croissant-shaped ship, spiraling through the turbo laser fire and heading towards you but it’s gonna be a few minutes. So, make those rolls.

CAMERON: Is the encounter over?

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: Why?

CAMERON: Because one of my crits was an extra difficulty until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Yeah, I’ll say the encounter is over. You had some brief denouement. Tink, do you want to hit it with an axe?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I’m good!

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I could lose my axe.

NICK: Yeah, that would be bad. You have extras, they’re not as nice, though.

CAMERON: My rocket launcher has two successes, one advantage.

LAURA: Five successes and one threat.

NICK: Geez, okay.

HUDSON: [laughing] They both work?

NICK: Yeah, they both hit it, which is good.

LAURA: I’m all jacked up on impact!

NICK: Karma pulls up the rocket launcher and fires before the rocket has had time to lock on and it flies and hits just to the outside of the solar panel, and you know what happens when anyone sneezes on a TIE fighter solar panel, and it starts to spin and scream, mechanically.

[TIE fighter screeches]

CAMERON: [giggles, feigns a scream]

HUDSON: [feigns a scream]

LAURA: Spinning is a neat trick.

[laughter]

NICK: And it tumbles within Xianna’s range of the thermal detonator, because the biggest limitation on the thermal detonator would be the short range, which means it’s like right next to you all.

CAMERON: But luckily the TIE fighter hits it and then continues moving past us and carries the blast away.

NICK: Sure. It was very severely damaged but probably would have stabilized and come back, and Xianna’s able to underhand chuck it and it sticks to the bottom of it, so you hear the [TIE fighter screeching] as the TIE fighter goes spinning away, and then it zooms in and you see the little ball beeping underneath it, and it flashes back and forth between those for a little bit, and then there’s a silent ball of fire as it engulfs the TIE fighter and the TIE fighter is destroyed.

Good work. That was very cool. Normally in Star Wars you hear the explosion, but I think a silent ball of fire is cooler in this situation. You are all left hanging there kind of scattered through the atmosphere. You’re probably within 40 or 50 meters of each other, because you got scattered by the shot. You have a minute in very low oxygen. You can see the Tallahassee Quagmire getting closer.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, well I am out of detonators.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have grenades, but mostly stun grenades at this point.

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t think that’s going to help us up here.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could malfunction a ship.

NICK: You’re floating in space, pretty far from each other, having this conversation on your coms, and the Tallahassee Quagmire comes scooping over the atmosphere, you can see it almost skidding over the air resistance as it gets close, and the bottom of it opens up and a large, round magnet starts to thrum, and you all get individually sucked into this small box one at a time. There’s a couple of these small boxes, and you recognize it as the box that you and Tink got stuck in originally when you came in. [chuckles]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh hey, I recognize that box.

NICK: Karma and HK get pulled into one of these little phone booth situations by their stratopacks, and then Neato gets pulled into one, and then Xianna and Tink get pulled into another one. The ship immediately starts to rattle with absorbed turbo laser fire and TIE fighters that you can hear, and you can hear Tiny’s voice from over the ship PA system.

NICK (as Tiny): Quick, Carn [beep-beep], punch it, punch it!

NICK: And the ship jumps to hyperspace, and not soon after these little boxes open up and you all fall into this stripped down open area that is the main part of the ship. Neato sits up and rubs at his head.

NICK (as Neato): Wow, swanky conveyance you’ve got here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oof.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh.

LAURA (as Xianna): That was unpleasant.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Hey Tiny.

NICK: Tiny turns around in his seat as he was finishing locking down the ship for a hyperspace jump.

NICK (as Tiny): But you lived. Everybody’s back. Nobody’s completely decompressed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where’s HK? Where’s HK?!

LAURA (as Xianna): He is right there.

CAMERON (as Karma): [struggling] He’s right on top of me.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: HK sits up and a couple of sparks shoot out of his head and he rolls off of Karma.

NICK (as HK): Apologies.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s okay.

NICK: HK does not get up. HK stays sprawled on its back, just on the floor.

NICK (as Tiny): Well, it looks like you were successful. Hi, I’m Tiny.

NICK (as Neato): Salutations, new chum.

NICK: And they shake hands. Neato starts to just stalk around the ship and rub on his shoulders where they’re pretty sore. The stratopacks are all still stuck in those phone booths. You had to undo the straps to get out. Neato is making himself at home.

NICK (as Tiny): Well, so, we’re jumping to a neutral point where we’re going to drop Mr. Neato off. Huge fan, by the way, huge fan.

NICK: Neato just nods graciously.

NICK (as Tiny): And then after that we’ll swing on back to the resort and you can pick up your ship and then you’re off on the next thing. That was the extent of our payment was to pick you back up and drop you off. So, welcome to the Tallahassee Quagmire, fastest bus in the galaxy.

NICK (as Neato): Your ship looks like shit!

[laughter]

NICK: Neato seems unimpressed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tiny, would you or Carn [beep-beep] happen to have any medical supplies on the ship?

NICK (as Tiny): Uh, I think Carn [beep-beep] has some supplies. He might be able to help. He picked up some weird textbook recently.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

NICK (as Tiny): Yeah… He really thinks that he’s a doctor now, but I don’t think it’s like an actual book. It seems to focus more on how the doctor feels about how things went than the actual…

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it Becoming Medicine or Becoming Emotion?

NICK: Carn Horn [beep-beep] turns around and just goes:

NICK (as Carn): [deep groaning whine / Wookie noise]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, it’s Becoming Emotion, okay.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have any medical supplies with you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, let me see here. By the way, those books usually come in a set, you must have gotten it used, but it’s still gonna be great for you.

NICK (as Tiny): I think Carn picked up the international edition. You’re not supposed to buy those, but they are cheaper.

HUDSON (as Tink): That usually doesn’t come with the CD and the access code you need.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs] What?

NICK: Carn [beep-beep] slides a big canvas duffle bag over and you see nice bacta gear and things to patch you up.

LAURA: Xianna also has seven stim packs, but she is already curled up in a corner sleeping. She found a whole stack of pillows and a beanbag and has made what is essentially a nest.

NICK: I think, Xianna, they feel like a stack of pillows and a beanbag but it’s actually like paper trash and wires and things, because this is a super uncomfortable ship.

LAURA: Yeah. [laughs]

NICK: That’s like the one defining feature we have of it, but you are completely conked out. Do you have any medical advice as you help patch up your friends, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Now with stim packs, you gotta fit as many as you can in one hand that you’re planning on using and stab them all at the same time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Please, please, please don’t stim pack me again.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I read in my book, Becoming Medicine that—

NICK (as Carn): [deep groaning whine / Wookie noise]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Yeah, exactly. So if me and someone else who has consumed that knowledge hold hands and get our energies together, so we aligned our energy, our Force auras, and that actually can heal you faster than normal stim packs, or they accelerate the stim packs, or you lose your appetite if you were really hungry. It’s one of those three things.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought we established that we were not using more stim packs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

CAMERON (as Karma): I have been stim packed twice today.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, there’s not a limit. You’d think there’s a limit—

CAMERON (as Karma): No, there is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I’ve never seen one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Carn [beep-beep], you have so much bacta in this duffle bag. Please, can I just have some bacta?

NICK: Carn smiles wickedly and pulls a bone saw out of somewhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I’m fine. I just have two crits. [laughs]

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 44 A Fishy Situation

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 44:
A Fishy Situation

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First of all, I’d like to thank CurseOfStu for their kind iTunes review. Your cat is great, you’re great. Thanks for telling others about us. I also want to thank The1BShipes for their very kind review. We are all very happy to hear that you’re enjoying the crew’s shenanigans.

Finally, I want to take a second to thank our newest patron! Jackie Betts, you’ve made a special effort to show appreciation to the show by talking to us, sharing wonderful art, and supporting our Patreon as well. Thank you, so much, from the bottom of all our space hearts for all that you do. Welcome to the ship. I think there may be a loth-rat somewhere onboard, so if you could track that down before it chews through the wires I’d appreciate it.

Podcast music this week is GIGA METAL by Loyalty Freak Music and Lost Sad Lament, Piano and Cello by Solar Flare.

Now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 44. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. I like the color of the walls in here. It’s pleasant. It’s like a light avocado.

LAURA: It’s like the palest green.

NICK: Yeah! It’s really mellow. It’s nice.

LAURA: I hate it.

HUDSON: I’d say it pales in comparison to other walls.

CAMERON: Boo.

NICK: That means it—

LAURA: I mean, it does. I hate it.

NICK: Oh. Good!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, fuck these walls.

LAURA: Because it’s too light of a green! It looks like it’s white that went bad.

HUDSON: I’m not observant, so I thought it was white. If you would have just taken me out of the room and been like what color was that room wall—

NICK: Hudson, look at the door. What color is the door?

HUDSON: White.

NICK: What color is the wall?

HUDSON: Where?

CAMERON: [giggles] In this room.

NICK: Like, next to the door.

HUDSON: Oh, next to the door? Avocado.

NICK: There you go. Nice.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: That is not the color of an avocado!

NICK: It is if it’s a bad one. I would know. Anyway, already doing great. Yeah, so we’re gonna go around the room. Everybody say who you are and who you are playing today, and your favorite color of avocado, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I like normal, kind of dark green avocados…?

NICK: Hmm. Okay. Interesting. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hi. I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I like that sort of medium bright green.

NICK: Solid. Good choice.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: And last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and my favorite color of avocado is dark green, and I like it—well actually, it kind of scares me when people have the knife after it’s cut in half and they, like, just throw it into the brown thing in the middle, the circle that looks like a—

[laughter]

NICK: The pit?

HUDSON: Yeah, the pit, and they just pull it up. It’s kind of weird.

NICK: Yeah, that’s a thing. Fun kitchen fact for the day: If you put the pit of an avocado in your guacamole it won’t turn brown as fast.

LAURA: That is not a proven scientific fact!

NICK: I am science!

CAMERON: Proven!

LAURA: The best way is to put a thin layer of lime juice for the acidity and then smoosh plastic wrap on top to prevent oxygen from reaching it, because the brown is from oxidation.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: As I started talking I was like this is not gonna go well for me. [laughs]

CAMERON: Or, best solution, just eat your guacamole really fast, and then it won’t go bad.

NICK: That is—

HUDSON: No, no-no-no.

LAURA: So if you cover the entire surface with pits it might reduce browning just because anywhere the pit is sitting on won’t oxidize as fast.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: [sinister laugh] Okay! So brief recap from last episode. You all started your assault upon the beach and the artillery pieces. Tink, you hacked the communication network of the star destroyer and kept them from asking for reinforcements as Karma shot a rocket launcher at a bunch of stuff. HK shot a bunch of stormtroopers, got shot, jumped off a building, and just started shooting everywhere because that’s like what he does. Xianna almost drowned, made it to the beach, was not happy about it, and then shot a stormtrooper. And then Tink, you did some hijinks down a hallway, including leapfrog, and hit a bunch of stormtroopers with an axe, and then figured out that there were 15 more stormtroopers and ran away and hid in a room.

The last thing that happened when we left off was Tink was pinned down by enemy fire in a small room and Karma and Xianna were on the beach trying to figure out where to go. You are having to deal with Tink potentially getting shot. A whole bunch of enemy stormtroopers are currently launching assaults upon the shield facility, which if it falls will result in your eminent orbital bombardment and demise. Also, one of your artillery things is moving slower but is still up and moving and also heading towards potentially a firing position upon the shield facility. That’s where we’re going to kick it off.

Xianna, you were last holding two grenades and your blaster pistol. What are we doing, folks?

LAURA: Yep. Gonna go get Tink.

NICK: So, Xianna, you are running towards the technology district. Did you bring Smith and Weathers with you?

LAURA: I mean, they were there. Whether or not they followed me is their own choice.

HUDSON: Weather or… Oh, oh, oh! Whether or not, W-H.

CAMERON: [giggles] Smith and whether or not they came.

HUDSON: Weather or not they came.

NICK: Heh, um…

CAMERON: You’re welcome.

NICK: Okay. Xianna, you are heading towards Tink, presumably as reinforcements. Tink, you are I guess currently fighting back against the stormtroopers that are shooting everywhere.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: Okay. And Karma, you had not yet made your decision. Xianna, I think you took HK with you, didn’t you?

CAMERON: Yes…?

LAURA: I think HK was at least gonna follow me.

NICK: Yeah. We’ll say HK took off after you. Karma, you are on the beach, Xianna and HK are heading towards the technology district to rescue Tink. There is a large artillery piece rolling up the beach with no external weapons you can see besides the huge cannon that is firing periodically upon the city. It looks like however this thing operates they haven’t really been able to see outside of their vehicle and what their objective is or they decided to ignore what was going on and try to complete their objective. The shield facility, you can hear from here, just the sounds of combat beginning. What do you do?

CAMERON: I don’t have any explosives on me.

NICK: HK did.

CAMERON: Yup. [defeated chuckle]

NICK: You could probably catch him.

CAMERON: Alright. Yeah. I’m gonna order HK back, grab the explosives from him.

NICK (as HK): Indignant Statement: You didn’t have to order me. You could have asked nicely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sorry, you were just running.

NICK: HK comes stomping back towards the beach with a satchel.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you~ Here, take this droid repair kit and have Tink fix you whenever you meet up with him. I’ll trade you for the explosives.

NICK (as HK): Acknowledged.

NICK: And HK goes traipsing off. His mechanical run on loose sand looks pretty unstable combined with his damage and also just kicks big plumes of sand everywhere. It’s pretty awkward as he makes his way back off the beach, which also puts him behind Xianna by a good probably quarter mile at this point, because he had to turn around.

CAMERON: I put the explosives in my backpack, that I have.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: I’ve got a mom backpack.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: And I’m gonna go swim towards the artillery.

NICK: Okay, so you are attacking the artillery. Who do we want to see first? I feel like a scene of Tink’s desperate resistance is probably next up on the plate here. Tink, you are pinned down in a room full of smoking, destroyed computers that you destroyed yourself. You have with you Neato, who is leaned up against a wall, trying to peer around the door, but just can’t because of the amount of blaster fire going through. You also have Specialists Talon and Kevin who are ducked behind a ratty couch that is occasionally taking angled blaster fire with their hands on their heads, taking cover. Neato, from his position by the door, says:

NICK (as Neato): Well chum, it looks like we’re gonna become Selonian cheese quick without a little hand here. Any idea on how to get out of this sticky wicket?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, uh, uh… Let’s, uh… Oh! I got it. Okay! Let’s take those mainframes and throw them at the door to block them from coming in, because they’re heavy.

NICK (as Neato): So your plan is to hole up here and wait for help?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, pretty much. I mean, do you want to take on 15 stormtroopers?

NICK (as Neato): I’m not particularly interested in getting blasted. I could probably take about 14 of them, 15 is my limit.

HUDSON (as Tink): It only takes one of them to shoot you down, so uh…

NICK (as Neato): It’s a good point. We’re fine with this. Is someone coming to get us? I thought this was a solo mission.

HUDSON (as Tink): I sent out my signal.

NICK (as Neato): Is anyone actually coming to help?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, sometimes you just gotta believe.

NICK: Karma and Xianna, you have an open com channel, so if you wanted to say something to Tink reassuring you could.

CAMERON (as Karma): You got this, buddy.

CAMERON: And I dive into the water. [laughs]

NICK: Sploosh!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I just heard Karma say something super encouraging and then a sploosh sound.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe she’s in the bath? I can’t think of where she would be. Either way, it sounds like they believe in us.

NICK (as Neato): Well that’s good. I’m a fan of Karma, but that doesn’t help with all the stormtroopers outside.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

NICK: Heh. Let’s leave that scene, and make me an Athletics roll for how quickly you can throw these mainframes to barricade the door. Athletics is a skill that is Brawn-based.

HUDSON: Wouldn’t it be just pure Brawn? Because Athletics…

NICK: Eh, I would say weight lifting is not just how strong you are. Technique also comes into play. Lift with your knees and not with your back.

LAURA: Is it Brawl or Melee to use an improvised weapon?

NICK: That would be melee.

LAURA: So what if he used his Melee skill to throw them as if he was using them as an improvised weapon.

NICK: [deflates]

HUDSON: I don’t even want to do that stretch.

CAMERON: I feel like if he’s throwing them it becomes Ranged: Heavy.

NICK: No, that’s very funny though.

[laughter]

HUDSON: No, I’m okay going with the just Athletics.

NICK: What was interesting to me is you were arguing for pure Brawn which is exactly the same.

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m now connecting that it was. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Let’s say average.

HUDSON: Yay.

NICK: You could use it as a Melee attack, but you couldn’t barricade the door. You would have to throw it at the stormtroopers.

HUDSON: Yeah. That might be my backup if the barricade doesn’t work.

NICK: Alright. Let’s try a barricade. You can have a… Who would you like to help you?

HUDSON: The spirit of Karma? I would like Kevin help.

NICK: Okay, a black die then, because he’s bad at this.

[pause, laughter]

HUDSON: Alright.

NICK: It was a subtle ploy.

HUDSON: Ha-ha. One failure and one advantage.

NICK: Hmm… The failure, I think that Specialist Kevin is not really very helpful, obviously. You try to each lift up an end and he can’t really do it, so it turns—

HUDSON (as Tink): Put your back into it, Kevin!

NICK (as Kevin): Look, it’s really heavy, and I’m a computer person not a lift things person.

CAMERON: “This is more of a hardware issue, I’m really more of a software guy.”

[laughter]

NICK: That’s a good line. I like that. Yeah, so he’s just in the way. You end up tripping over him. You are able to knock it over, but you’re not able to slide it anywhere, and the stormtroopers move up some firing position-wise and they’re starting to get more accurate, and swaths of the room are now melting under blaster fire. You are not able to walk through the middle of the room. It’s you and Kevin on one side of the room and Neato and Talon on the other side of the room as you hear them saying:

NICK (as Stormtrooper): Move up. They’re not returning fire.

NICK: You can hear the slow clomp of boots. They are moving slowly, because they don’t want to walk into a bad situation. That doesn’t work. Is there something you would like to spend your advantage on?

HUDSON: Can Neato come up with a good idea? Or is that too much?

NICK: Um… That would be more a triumph, I think. If you want Neato to do something helpful we can boost that.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: You could probably say for an advantage that as they’re moving up Neato, with his skills, is able to… You see him lean his disrupter rifle around the corner without looking, and he makes eye contact with you with his one galaxy patterned eye—because remember, he has an eyepatch, we haven’t talked about that a lot but he super does.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: He makes eye contact with you and says…

NICK (as Neato): It’s a no-look shot.

NICK: …and he takes a shot, and you hear a stormtrooper go:

NICK (as Stormtrooper): [dorky pain groan]

NICK (as Neato): Score one, bull’s-eye.

NICK: We’re going to cut away. The advantage is they have not entered the room and killed you all, but you were not able to slow them down as much as the server would do.

HUDSON: And now it’s at Neato’s limit, so really Neato could take them all on according to Neato. [laughs]

NICK: Theoretically.

CAMERON: If he just shot one they’re down to 14.

LAURA: He just 360 no-scoped a dude, so…

HUDSON: True.

NICK: That’s one of the 14.

CAMERON: Oh, no, that’s true. It doesn’t reset?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: OH, okay.

NICK: That’s for the scene. [smiling] This is apparently a mechanic now I have introduced.

CAMERON: Well, if you switch away now then that was the scene, so then when you go back to Tink and Neato it would restart and he’d be able to take them all, right?

NICK: No, that’s not how scenes work. [laughter] Xianna, you are currently pelting down the alleyways of this occupied city, you are followed closely by Smith and Weathers, and in the distance if you haven’t turned a corner around a building in a while you can hear the distant clanking of HK running after you. As if from a distance you hear:

NICK (as HK): Assessment: It sure is good I don’t get tired.

NICK: Clank, clank, clank. So, are you trying to get there fast or are you trying to get there stealthily?

LAURA: I think I’m just trying to get there, so I would assume fast.

NICK: Okay. I won’t make you roll an Athletics for how fast you can run ,because I don’t like that, but I will make you roll me a Force die just on if you happen to intercept any patrols or anything.

LAURA: One dark point, dark side point. What do we call them?

CAMERON: Dark side.

NICK: Dark side point.

LAURA: One dark side point!

NICK: Sure. Go ahead and, what is your Coordination?

LAURA: I have Rank 3.

NICK: Okay, and your Agility is 4 or 5?

LAURA: My Agility is still 4. My Cunning is 5.

NICK: Okay. So, if you could roll me, Cameron, a three yellow versus three reds and a purple.

CAMERON: One success, three threats.

NICK: [pauses, laughs]

[laughter]

LAURA: They fall prone!

[dramatic bass noise, stopped abruptly]

NICK: I’m getting there!

LAURA: Ha-ha!

CAMERON: Ha! But they do shoot you.

LAURA: They do shoot at me, but they fall prone!

[dramatic bass noise finishes playing]

HUDSON: On stairs, which means they fall down, the stairs.

NICK: So, you’re able to go a majority of the distance to this technology district very quickly. You have been this way before actually, or most of the way, because this is kind of back the direction when you originally came to meet up with Tink and karma and Neato. It probably only takes you five or six minutes. Smith and Weathers are close behind you. You round this corner and it comes into this large, open courtyard with a dry fountain in the middle, and it’s been scorched. There’s been some fires and there’s some craters in this courtyard, but otherwise it seems very quiet, and a little warning flashes in the back of your head of there’s no cover here, there are a lot of sightlines, but like you said you’re in a hurry, you’re trying to get to Tink, you’re on a mission. So you cut across this courtyard, and the first thing you feel is a feeling of getting just punched in the back of the shoulder by something just really heavy and you’re spun around and dropped to the ground, and you take [wincing] 11 damage.

CAMERON: Shit.

LAURA: Did you include the fact that I have a 1 in Ranged Defense and a 1 in Melee Defense?

NICK: No. Roll me a black die for that, please.

CAMERON: If that’s the case, just three threats.

NICK: God damn it. Okay.

LAURA: Ha-ha!

NICK: That’s so much less dramatic! Oh well. So yeah, I think you still get hit. It’s down to just the defense of your coat keeps you from getting hurt.

LAURA: I roll my shoulder so that it glances off. You know? Did you not see A Knight’s Tale? You roll your shoulder back and it glances!

[laughter]

NICK: It’s not- It’s not-

CAMERON: That’s how that works.

LAURA: You roll it forward and then it glances away.

NICK: My description still stands. You feel like you got punched in the back and you are spun around and dropped to the ground. You have that moment of, you’ve been shot before, it very much feels like that first moment where you get shot where you don’t really feel the burn of the blaster or anything ,it’s just the kinetic force, and you feel at your shoulders and your chest and you realize that you’re not bleeding, and your coat has absorbed the blow of the shot, and you can see in front of you a large carbon scoring where a majority of the shot did not hit you. Your coat has saved your life.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Then you hear:

NICK (as Stormtrooper): [nerdy pained wailing]

[laughter]

NICK: And a scout trooper just like- I think this trooper was on a fire escape and just blended into the shadows of it. The screws that held it to the building crack and it shifts and they lost their balance, and they just fall over, and they fall… [dramatic bass noise] …gosh, like three stories to the ground, so that’s like—

LAURA: Oh! That’s so much damage!

CAMERON: Ooh.

NICK: So they just turn into mist, just (splat). The scout trooper falls prone [dramatic bass noise] out of this fire escape, and then falls three stories to the ground, which by the rules of Star Wars is—Actually, could we look up what the actual fall damage is? Because I think it’s like 5 damage and 5 strain per 5 feet or something like that. It’s really, it’s too much.

CAMERON: Does Soak apply to fall damage?

LAURA: Falling Damage—

CAMERON: The rulebook says 10 damage for falling a short distance.

LAURA: Medium is 30.

CAMERON: Heh. They dead.

NICK: Thirty damage?!

CAMERON: For medium.

NICK: Ugh, that’s so much, and it’s medium range, I said it was. Three stories is like the far end of medium range. So, according to the rules, it’s 30 damage. Yeah. They’re super dead. I’ve made this reference before, but it does that high pitched squeaky click that it makes when they throw the scout troopers on Endor into the tree, and the stormtrooper just goes (splat) and is done. They are done. There is no more scout trooper, and you are able to continue on to the technical institute without any other issues, because you can see it on the far side of this clearing. So, you’re able to continue onward. From there we are going to cut away to… karma.

Karma, you are currently swimming underwater. What do you think it feels like to be breathing water, on a planet that is not your home, that has been… like, the home of war machines for the last while and is scorched by cinders and blown up buildings and stuff?

CAMERON: Breathing the water feels like drinking water in Lubbock.

NICK: That’s going to apply to three people.

CAMERON: Yep, but it’s a perfect description for that.

NICK: Those three people are gonna be like heck yeah.

CAMERON: It’s a very bad, weird water taste where it’s just any time you’re traveling and you drink tap water and you’re like this tap water tastes wrong. It’s like that, but more so, because Lubbock.

NICK: So it’s got a metallic tinge to it, and you can feel it kind of coating your… however you breathe.

CAMERON: My lungs.

NICK: Well, I think they’re amphibians, right? So you just breathe through your skin?

CAMERON: Sure.

NICK: Ew… I don’t like that. Anyway.

CAMERON: We don’t have to think about it. It’s fine.

NICK: Yeah, let’s not. It’s fine. There’s gills under your head tentacles or something.

CAMERON: Hiding next to my ears.

NICK: Or they are your ears. Who knows.

CAMERON: [snickers] Okay.

NICK: So you have some explosives. You are swimming to this artillery craft. What are you doing?

CAMERON: I am looking for the holes caused by the last explosion.

NICK: They are myriad and obvious. There are probably three or four big old holes.

CAMERON: And I’m putting the explosives that I have with me, depending on how large the hole in the hull is, reaching it in and sticking it farther inside so that it hopefully does more internal damage to the ship and not just surface hole stuff.

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna need some sort of roll here. My thinkings are they could be Athletics, because swimming up to a moving craft very quickly and placing these things without cutting yourself on jagged craters and things could be difficult, or you could argue that it’s Weapons: Heavy if you have a lot of explosives experience and you’ve done this kind of thing before, I could be persuaded. I feel more Athletics than that.

CAMERON: I feel more Athletics. I feel like with being a bounty hunter often times you’re not using explosives because you need something to turn in for the bounty.

NICK: Yeah, no disintegrations.

CAMERON: yeah. So I’m fine with Athletics.

NICK: make me a hard Athletics roll. Flip me a dark side point though, to upgrade that, because… it’s hard.

CAMERON: Because reasons.

NICK: Mm-hmm! See Hudson? We’re doing it again.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Nicholas… But can I have a blue die, because they haven’t gone yet this encounter? [laughs]

HUDSON: Is that a skillset?

NICK: Is this a Stealth or Coordination roll? Oh no, wait, it’s not an attack roll. You just said you’re checking your Athletics not your ability to place the explosives.

CAMERON: Yeah, okay.

NICK: So I’m gonna say no.

CAMERON: [giggles] Dang.

NICK: I almost always give you that one. This time I am not going to.

CAMERON: I know.

NICK: I do appreciate the optimism, though.

CAMERON: Okay. I had to try.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: [rolls]

NICK: I thought that was a despair. I was super excited.

CAMERON: No. One success, two threats.

NICK: Okay. I think you are able to place the explosives. Do you swim away to a distance and then detonate them?

CAMERON: Yep, I just swim back to shore, and then cool action hero style, as I’m walking out of the water—

NICK: Aw man!

CAMERON: There’s water flying, it goes slo-mo for a second, my head tails flail out and I press the button and it explodes behind me.

NICK: Uh-huh, and we get you walking away from this big explosion.

CAMERON: And I don’t look at it.

NICK: The camera angle changes to you striding up the beach. You pick up the gear that you dropped, because I’m assuming you weren’t swimming around with an empty rocket launcher for instance.

CAMERON: Yeah, I set it down.

NICK: So you’re picking it up and you turn to press your hand to your coms and keep track of where everybody else is, and then behind you we hear the thunderous explosion of another shot coming from the artillery. It is stopped, it can’t reach the shield facility anymore, but it was on the lip of that beach. Your threats are that it didn’t sink, because that’s how you’ve been destroying them so far with these hand explosives. It’s also at a weird angle. This shot goes mostly up and then comes down like two blocks away and explodes, because it’s hanging off, so it’s not gonna really affect much but they’re just destroying as much of the city as they can at this point.

I think you see one of the people in the general Veers helmets with the open front and the big goggles open up a hatch and stick their head up, and they’re at a weird angle because of the way the ship is, and they put binoculars on, and you hear them go “Kriff!” and then close the hatch and they just keep shooting periodically. So that’s that, you have stopped the artillery but it is still around. Where are you headed next?

CAMERON: I am running towards the field generator.

NICK: You are running back to the main generator.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Cool. We will come back to you in a minute, because more pressingly… Tink, you don’t know for certain that anybody’s coming to help you. you can hear the stormtroopers moving up. They are gearing up to have an assault on the room that you are in. you can kind of hear their radio chatter as they’re preparing for this. What are you doing to take cover or try to hold them back?

HUDSON: So, I’m on the far side of the room and they’re coming to the front door and all of my peeps are around me.

NICK: Yep, although it is kind of hard to walk through the middle of the room, because there’s a lot of laser death in that area.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright guys, we’re gonna hug the wall, go to the left side, uh, and then I have these grenades.

NICK (as Neato): You’re not planning on using those boom spheres in here, are you chum?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, there’s no enemies in here, so what do you think, Neato?

NICK (as Neato): Well, but they’re coming through the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll throw it before they get in there.

NICK (as Neato): Alright!

NICK: As he says that, I think a squad of three stormtroopers come in, and Cameron could you make me a roll please of a green and two yellow? This is an average difficulty, because they’re right in the door. Give them a black die, because they are just jumping around the corner and shooting at Tink. Let’s roll it up.

CAMERON: [rolls]

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: [laughs] It’s okay. I have a plan.

NICK: Okay good.

CAMERON: Three successes, two threats.

NICK: Oh, only two threats? What a bummer.

CAMERON: Yeah, one of them cancelled.

NICK: What a bummer. I wanted everyone falling down today. So three successes, that’s 10 damage coming at you. Now I’ll give you an option, the 10 damage can hit you, or it could hit someone else in your group.

HUDSON: I think it needs to hit someone else in my group. [laughter] I’m gonna have it hit—

NICK: Oh, it’s Kevin. Kevin is getting shot.

HUDSON: Kevin. I was about to say Kevin.

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Yeah. Three stormtroopers jump around the corner. You hear one of the stormtroopers say:

NICK (as Stormtrooper): They’re to the left. Fire!

NICK: Specialist Kevin looks up with his little light blaster pistol and goes…

NICK (as Kevin): What?!

NICK: …and just gets unloaded on by these three stormtroopers.

HUDSON: Ha!

NICK: He was the one furthest—That’s messed up, my dude.

HUDSON: Sorry. [laughs]

CAMERON: Whoa!

NICK: He was the one furthest from the wall where the rest of you were, he was on his way to you, and he just gets dropped. Talon says…

NICK (as Talon): No~!

NICK: …and shoots back and starts shooting the stormtroopers, and Neato says…

NICK (as Neato): Take this, bucket heads!

NICK: …and shoots them. So, those three go down very quickly in the doorway making a temporary barricade, and you can hear the radio chatter as the rest of the stormtroopers back up and make a new plan, because that didn’t work. Kevin is leaning up against the wall just, you can see he’s in very, very, very bad shape. He’s been hit multiple times.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kevin, what are you doing on the floor? Put your back into it!

[somber music starts]

NICK (as Kevin): [groans] I… I can’t… It’s getting so dark, Tink. Talon… Talon, where are you?

NICK (as Talon): I’m on the other side of the cover.

NICK (as Kevin): Talon, I just wanna tell you…

NICK: And then he falls unconscious and sprawls on the ground. [music fades out] So, I think at this point, Xianna, you and Smith and Weathers have gotten up to the fourth floor of this building, so you’re in the stairwell and you can hear the stormtroopers moving around up ahead, and it’s pretty obvious where you need to go. Do you call Tink or anything?

LAURA: Yeah, I get in the coms.

LAURA (as Xianna): Tink! Hey, are you hulled up somewhere? And you know, secured?

HUDSON (as Tink): So we’re hulled up somewhere. We’re not secured. That’s not the word I would use.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. So if say, hypothetically, I was to throw some grenades into this hallway here and blow up some stormtroopers, you’d be okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): How close are they to my room? I don’t really, I can’t really tell. And actually, my room is the computer room that looks like a lot of blaster fire has hit it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, I’m sure it’ll be fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okayyy.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Real quick, before you get off the line, I have some grenades too. You wanna make a grenade sandwich over here?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay! In 3, 2, 1… Grenades!

LAURA: Heh.

HUDSON: I put the grenade pin in my mouth and pull it out like an action movie.

NICK: Which is super interesting, because most of the grenades in Star Wars have buttons, but we’ll go with it.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Neato’s like, “Where did you find grenades with pins?!”

HUDSON: [laughing] And I throw the grenade. It’s a frag grenade, by the way.

NICK: “Because those are absolutely my jam.”

LAURA: “Those must be thousands of years old!”

NICK: “Or they’re new technology, depends on the arc!”

[laughter]

HUDSON: Okay. I throw this frag grenade at the same time that Xianna throws it.

NICK: Okay. I would really like a Ranged: Light attack from both of you, just to see placement-wise how this goes.

HUDSON: Ha!

NICK: [chuckles] I know. This arc has been asking people to do the skills they’re not good at.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average. You’re just chucking grenades down a hallway. It’s not…

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

LAURA: Can we say we aim?

NICK: [smiling] No. You can’t aim grenades. We had this conversation before.

LAURA: [smiling, defiantly] Why can’t you aim grenades?!

NICK: What? With what?!

LAURA: Staring very intently.

[laughter]

NICK: You line up that red blinking arc that comes up in video games.

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: Earlier, when they were coming through the door, what I wanted to do was if they weren’t there yet and they were coming through the door about to shoot, and I got an action, I was gonna throw the grenade, slide it on the ground so it goes under their legs, and it blows them up so they blow up and go towards us, so then I could get them with my axe if they’re close enough, or they’re dead.

NICK: I’ll say depending on how this goes it’s possible that some people will get blown towards you, because I like that image very much. You can still do it.

HUDSON: It doesn’t have to happen. I was just saying what my plan was had they not arrived with grenades. I like the sandwich grenade.

NICK: Well, and like who knows, this is explosives, we’ll see what happens.

HUDSON: One failure.

NICK: Aw.

LAURA: Two successes, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Do you want to send your three advantages to activate Blast on all of these?

LAURA: Sure.

NICK: Okay. We’ll say because you threw, what, roughly four grenades total? How many did you throw, just one?

HUDSON: I just threw one.

NICK: So three grenades?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Three grenades in a small hallway with 15 stormtroopers—

CAMERON: Uh, 11 stormtroopers.

NICK: Sorry, 11. Oh yeah, because three more died.

CAMERON: Yep, I’ve been keeping track.

NICK: I’m glad You can count. There’s just a large explosion and you hear (several overlapping wimpy stormtroopers whining and shouting in pain), and a single stormtrooper is chucked bodily by the back, arms and legs pinwheeling, into your office where you’re hulled up, Tink, and hits a wall and starts to get up and reach around for their blaster. What do you do?

HUDSON: I take out my axe, I run over, and the hand they’re reaching out to get their gun, I chop it off.

NICK: Ooh… Okay. They’re super concussed. Okay, you- Are you trying to take them out or are you trying to capture them?

HUDSON: I don’t wanna kill them straight away.

CAMERON: [laughing] “I wanna play with them first.”

HUDSON: I don’t want to play with him either, but like…

NICK: Getting dark.

HUDSON: I wanna make sure he doesn’t—We could use him to get out of here maybe, with credentials or finding the best way or having him call in something.

NICK: Okay. let’s say that you cut off his hand, and he goes (extended shout of pain) and falls unconscious, and if you need a stormtrooper for some reason… As you walk out into the hall you can see that it’s just a mess. You’re harkened back to that time that Val used a fuel air bomb in a small space facility. This is a lot of explosive in a small space with a bunch of people. They’re just in piles kind of smooshed up into the corners. There are no other people standing here. Xianna, you’re able to bring your group in through the hallway and meet up with the rest of this squad.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ello Tink~

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): How are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): A little tired.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, I almost died, so there’s that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um, I almost died, so there’s also that.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, no, like I was drowning. It’s been a day.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like, there was blaster fire in my face. I don’t think that’s anything like what you were dealing with.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, um…

NICK (as Neato): Not to rain on your space parade, but Specialist Kevin is definitely actually dead, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw man.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait, is he dead-dead, or like… unconscious dead?

[somber music starts]

NICK: [laughs] You look over and Neato just kinda prods him with a foot and he slouches over, and Talon is just looking out a window trying to keep it together.

NICK (as Neato): Yeah, he seems to have gone cold fish, chums.

LAURA (as Xianna): I just told you I almost drowned today, and you use a fish pun. Rude.

NICK (as Neato): I think that pun was the last one. I’m fin-ished. … Ha-ha.

[music fades]

LAURA: Xianna looks down at her hand holding the blaster, [laughter] and you can see in her eyes that… this day has for some reason hit closer than most of the others have, and she starts to raise it and then kind of walks away and mutters to herself.

LAURA (as Xianna): No… No. Karma would be disappointed. It is not worth the trouble.

NICK (as Neato): Wow Tink, that was closed. I thought she was gonna hit me and then I’d have a sock eye.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna turns back into the room, leans in, like pops into the door frame.

LAURA (as Xianna): No! I would have shot you dead!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think she’d do it.

NICK (as Neato): I’ve been shot before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mmm…

LAURA (as Xianna): Well so have I, and you know what, I think we all have been shot. Whatever. I would have killed you. Shot you right in the face. Goodbye, and good day!

CAMERON: Karma comes over the coms.

CAMERON (as Karma): Everybody stop clowning around and get to the shield facility.

NICK (as Neato): You’re right, karma. I can tell we’re starting to flounder down here.

CAMERON: [giggles]

[somber music resumes]

HUDSON (as Tink): hey Talon, you wanna, um, carry Kevin for a proper… uh, burial?

NICK (as Talon): Uh… I mean, if the rest of this assault is going on we can come back later if we live. I think our priority is to take care of whatever’s next. You can’t really be carrying… [deep breath] dead comrades around in the middle of a battle.

[music fades]

NICK (as Neato): Well, it looks like the squad’s back together. what do we do now?

LAURA (as Xianna): Did we blow everything up?

NICK: Karma, I think you can answer in on this radio conversation. You’re currently running towards the facility.

CAMERON (as Karma): Artillery is blown up. Artillery still has gun power, but artillery can’t move and isn’t hitting anything important, so I’m running to the shield facility as they… There are a lot of stormtroopers over there.

NICK: You can hear in the background, when Karma is coming in, rapid footsteps and breathing. She is hustling.

CAMERON (as Karma): This rocket launcher is heavy.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Neato): So, the artillery is taken care of. Is there an assault on the shield station?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, like 20 drop pods.

NICK (as Neato): Oh. That’s really bad, actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that’s why I’m running there. Run there. I assume y’all are safe, because you’re talking to me.

NICK (as Neato): Are we safe? Well, most of us. Okay. Well chums, what do you think? Should we head towards the shield facility, try to end this little shindig? By the way, we’ve upgraded to shindig. No, we were already a shindig. It was a hootenanny…

LAURA (as Xianna): Are we not in a hoedown?

NICK (as I think you’re right. I think we’re at a hoedown.

LAURA (as Xianna): You know, I feel like we had a whole system set up for the difference between hootenannies, hoedowns, and shindigs, and I think we have forgotten it completely.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought hoedowns involved barns.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s kind of like a rectangle square thing where if it is in a barn it is a hoedown, but not all hoedowns happen in barns.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s just that if it is a barn it’s definitely a hoedown.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanna have lunch.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, we can’t all have everything we want, so let’s just go kill some people I guess.

NICK (as Neato): Alright, off to the hoedown.

NICK: You all—Gosh. You have Smith and Weathers who did nothing, they’re still in the stairwell [laughter] securing your escape route. Neato, Tink, Xianna, and Talon, and you get to the stairwell and you hear clank, clank, clank. As you all get to the door, HK is there and the barrels of his gun are spinning.

NICK (as HK): Directional Query: Point me at the stormtroopers.

LAURA (as Xianna): We are going that way. Follow us.

NICK (as HK): Expletive deleted.

NICK: As you all run down the stairs past him, and you hear a mechanical (heavy sigh), and the droid starts to head down the stairs after you as you run the other direction.

LAURA (as Xianna): If you had just ignored karma you would have been here first and you could have killed some “meat bags” as you call them, but no.

NICK (as HK): Secondary direction overridden by primary user.

LAURA (as Xianna): I mean, that sounds like your fault, but anyways. I’m sure there will be stormtroopers for you to kill where we are going next.

NICK (as HK): Adjusting direction following percentage for secondary user.

NICK: So, you all are just running straight for the shield facility? You’re the reinforcements?

LAURA: Yeah.

HUDSON: We are the only reinforcements that I’m aware of.

CAMERON: Are we gonna sandwich them though?

NICK: Yeah, 20 drop pods and eight of you.

CAMERON: We got this!

NICK: Okay, so that happens, you all shut off the coms. Karma, you arrive at a scene of, just, it’s a disaster. It’s not going well. These stormtroopers have gotten through all of the barricades. You’re able to climb over the barricades. There are the bodies of both stormtroopers and militia people strewn everywhere. You have a scene like the rubble of the buildings that got hit by the artillery before you were able to destroy it, and some of the resistance militia smooshed in amongst the rubble. You’re reminded of the militia officer from when you first got here that Neato had said that he was with, just gives you a quick flashback to that.

CAMERON: [dramatically] I wonder what was on his holo-recorder.

NICK: [smiling] It doesn’t matter, because it got smooshed. So, you’re able to walk up one of the last barricades, it’s actually the one that you originally entered the parade grounds in, and you can see in front of you three large groups of stormtroopers. They have, they’re not tanks, but it’s like if you took a tank and stripped all the armor off the top and sides and just left the tracks and the big, scary cannon and the heavy repeating blaster on the front, so they’re like these open air vehicles with mobile cover on the front that are slowly advancing towards the shield facility. A majority of the militia troops have fallen back into the large dome that is the shield facility except for some troops who are hulled up in little bunkers made out of sandbags out front. as you run up you see one of these bunkers of sandbags get exploded by one of the cannons, because cannon beats sandbags most of the time. What do you do? This is probably 80-90 stormtroopers with three large pieces of military hardware all moving in three separate groups towards a facility that if they take will open you to orbital bombardment, and you are by yourself. And yes, this is a difficult decision and situation. It’s almost like you had to choose what your priorities were.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm. Weird.

NICK: And that this is what happened to the smallest priority, but also Tink is alive, so you know.

HUDSON: I get on the coms and talk to karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I believe in you, Karma. If you go in you will survive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Aw, thanks buddy.

NICK: I really like the idea of Karma standing on this barricade, no one’s noticed her yet, there’s flame and smoke and a stormtrooper sprawled over the barricade right next to her, Karma with her hand to her earbud saying “Aw, thanks buddy,” holding her big thermo-sensitive assault rifle.

CAMERON: So, there’s the shield facility, there’s some bunkers in front of it, you said there’s like 90 stormtroopers…

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: What is the positioning of the cannon-mobiles in relation to the stormtrooper squads?

NICK: They’re broken into three large groups being led by these three cannons, basically like 30 to a group, and they’re just like spaced equidistant moving their ways up. They’re not moving very quickly, but they’re basically cover that the troopers can hide behind. And they’re sprawled out further back behind it, the cover mostly is protecting the ones that are operating it, but it does make it so they’re able to defend themselves better as they cross this open ground, almost completely negating the advantage of a large, open ground.

CAMERON: I was trying to figure out a way for me to pick off some of them without drawing all of their attention to me while I wait for my friends.

NICK: The other thing that I’ll add to this image as well is that the circle of stormtroopers has moved past the armory tent, so you could potentially make it to the armory tent without being noticed.

CAMERON: Can I sneak to the armory tent then to get something that shoots more than one at a time?

NICK: Yes, you can try and do that. Yeah. Ooh, can we Rambo it? Can we find you a mini gun?

CAMERON: I’m down for a mini gun.

NICK: Okay. Well, you gotta make it to the tent first.

CAMERON: I know, but I’m—

NICK: This is going to be very embarrassing for you to just die in this cinematic thing.

CAMERON: It is. It’s gonna be very sad.

NICK: This is going to be a hard difficulty check, because you are crossing open ground with 80 potential people to see you who are all being very alert, because combat.

CAMERON: But they are all facing the other way.

NICK: Which is why it’s not daunting.

CAMERON: [laughs] Okay. What’s my Stealth? Hmm, that’s a thing. Note to self: Up my Stealth later. I do get two blue dice for my Stalker talents.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Okay… Four successes, two advantages.

NICK: Yeah, they don’t see you at all. Do you want to spend your advantages that the weapons tent hasn’t been looted in any way and has even some gear that you didn’t notice the first time you were in there?

CAMERON: Yup. Some stuff got returned since we were last here.

NICK: Yeah, in the 30 minutes that it’s been, because you haven’t been gone that long.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Sure. Just so much has happened.

NICK: With stuff being returned, you could get another rocket or two.

CAMERON: If they have any other rockets I’m grabbing them.

NICK: Okay. We’ll say that there are two rockets. You’re  not sure where they came from. You notice there is some stuff missing, like a lot of the rifles and things have been taken, and it’s like there were two rockets under a pile of rifles that you didn’t see before, so you’re able to grab those. Is there anything else you want?

CAMERON: I would like a turret mini gun.

NICK: Like a heavy repeating blaster I think is what they’re called.

CAMERON: Yeah, like one of the ones with the shield in front of it for setting up a turret for defense.

NICK: Yeah, there’s one in there. Moving it by yourself is gonna be pretty dang hard.

CAMERON: It’s okay, I’m strong!

NICK: Okay, so what is your plan?

CAMERON: My plan is, I setup so they’re all in front of me and I’m kind of behind them, angled in a way that my shield is mostly protecting me, and I get on my coms.

[action rock music starts]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey everybody, I’m here. If y’all could hurry up that would be super fantastic.

CAMERON: And then I’m gonna take a page out of HK’s book and just start laying down suppressing fire back and forth just so that they can shoot back at me and hit the shield, but they can’t really approach. Just trying to mow down as many stormtroopers as possible.

NICK: Make me a heavy weapons roll.

CAMERON: I get a blue die because they haven’t gone yet this encounter.

NICK: [laughs] That’s true.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be hard, because it’s you versus 90 people, and you should know, like, you’re not gonna win this. You can hope to slow them down.

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I’m just- I’m providing a distraction [laughs] so hopefully some of the people who are still alive inside can do something. I’m not gonna aim though, because I’m not aiming at a specific person, I’m just shooting in general. Is that fair?

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s fair.

CAMERON: Seems like a reason not to use the blue die. I got two successes and two advantages.

NICK: So I think this plays out like you said. Not all of the assault force turns around, but a decent amount of them do. They seem very well-coordinated, and you can see that there are several stormtrooper officers mixed in. Very quickly you take some of them out and you’re able to strafe back and forth, and the cannons do stop advancing, and very quickly there’s some hand signs exchanged and you can hear on the stormtrooper com that you still have orders being exchanged, and roughly a third of the troops turn around and start firing back. You can feel your large repeating blaster heating up and taking damage. You know you’re gonna have to bail out of this pretty soon, because you’re getting shot by like roughly 30 people. This is not designed to do that. It’s supposed to take errant shots while you do stuff. But you’re able to slow them down for probably a solid couple of minutes with that and your setup time. The gun does start to disintegrate around you.

Now, I will make you a deal. You can do sizable damage to this group but the gun is going to explode on you, or once they start to concentrate fire you can bail and run for cover but you’re not going to have damaged the group much.

CAMERON: I’m sticking it out.

NICK: You’re sticking it out. Cool. So, you’re shooting into this group and blaster fire is hitting it. What actually happens, the gun doesn’t explode, the shielding starts to melt and boil away – kind of like when Han Solo is let out of the carbonite and it peels back and it’s all weird and metal and slurpy, it’s a weird noise.

CAMERON: And wet.

NICK: And wet for some reason.

HUDSON: Moist.

NICK & CAMERON: [sounds of disgust]

NICK: But that starts to peel back and you’re able to strafe back and forth a couple more times, and a couple of shots make it through the cover and hit you. You’re going to take a shot from a large group of stormtroopers. That is going to be four yellows versus your defense. It’s gonna be average difficulty. Do you have any Ranged Defense?

CAMERON: No.

NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: I’ll flip a light side to make it harder for them.

NICK: That’s fair.

CAMERON: Can I use my advantages to give them a black die?

NICK: Sure. Yeah, you can give them a black die.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: Roll it.

CAMERON: [giggles nervously] Oh shit… Well, that’s interesting. Three successes, a threat, a triumph, and a despair!

NICK: So they have a despair…

CAMERON: Uh-huh. [laughs]

NICK: Wow. That’s actually very good for you. That’s interesting that the most accessible part of this is that they screw up. So… [laughs]

CAMERON: That was a really good use of my own light side point. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. So, three successes, you’re going to take 15 damage, which is a lot.

CAMERON: Meh.

NICK: How much health do you have left?

CAMERON: I mean, I have 4 health left.

NICK: Oh yeah, you’re fine.

CAMERON: I’m fine though.

NICK: You’re like coughing blood from the corner of your mouth.

CAMERON: It’s totally fine.

NICK: So, roll the crit that they did on you.

CAMERON: An 86.

NICK: Which is what?

CAMERON: Which is… Compromised: +1 difficulty until the end of the encounter, so an extra purple die, for everything.

NICK: Okay. So you’ve been shot, your gun has been turned to slag, you are getting pinned down. The despair is that in the hubbub of all of the shooting and things, while you were getting hit and you fall back, your gun overloads and shoots three very, very powerful charges into the middle cannon and it explodes.

CAMERON: Huzzah.

NICK: So, you have taken one of these large cannons down.

CAMERON: [silly] How many, approximately, stormtroopers would you say are now deceased?

NICK: Like 15-ish, for the explosion, and then like… since you stayed in it, probably you took down like 20 besides that, so you did, as advertised, a sizable chunk. They were not expecting for a large emplacement to open up at their unprotected flank. But, you are hit, you fall backwards off of the embankment that you had setup, the stormtroopers are pretty close to the shield facility, because it took you a while to drag this big, heavy gun there quietly and not be seen, so you are laying, your feet are up on this embankment, you’re kind of upside down, blood is trickling out of your mouth, you have a massive set of scorch marks across the chest of your armor, and you see – kind of upside down, we see from karma’s view, just the assorted feet of the rest of the squad and their assorted NPCs walking up to you upside down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh hey, y’all.

[music stops abruptly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ello.

NICK: [smiling] You all, as you went up, saw Karma with this big explosion, the sound of shattering metal, and then saw Karma get tossed backwards off of this embankment.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, stand still, I know how to do this best. Close your eyes.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m… I’m laying down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Close your eyes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON: I hold her down by her neck and get two stim packs at once in one hand and just stab them into her.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t—Okay. I mean…

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, if you do it like this, then it flows through the blood differently.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ow!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): If you say so.

NICK (as HK): Assertion: Boss Man is “becoming medicine.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, did I say that as instructed?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, thank you, thank you. Did you read the for-ward?

NICK (as HK): I did not read your textbook. You just told me to say “becoming medicine.”

LAURA (as Xianna): The “for-ward?”

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, the thing that’s in the front of the book, the for-ward.

LAURA (as Xianna): The forward.

HUDSON (as Tink): The for-ward.

LAURA (as Xianna): The forward.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, when you’re talking about medical texts it’s for-ward, because hospital wards.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): Nooo~!

[laughter]

CAMERON: And Karma rolls her head to look at Hank.

CAMERON (as Karma): [dazed] I think I’m winning on the stormtrooper count. I’d have to math, but I’m pretty sure.

NICK (as HK): Debate: There were no witnesses for your body count. Doesn’t count.

CAMERON (as Karma): But I’ve got bodies.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma starts to get up as the stim packs kick in.

NICK: Yeah. You can see- It’s not a great move. There’s definitely instructions all over these stim packs that are like “use individually.” The burn marks do lose a lot of the angry, red swelling, but they also are discolored and the skin is not in a good place. Karma is up and moving because mechanically that heals freaking 9 wounds, because it’s 5 and then 4, but you’re probably gonna have a really wicked come-down off of this once we’re done.

CAMERON (as Karma): [dazed] I’m fine. Let’s get going.

NICK: So, you are all standing in a group.

NICK (as Neato): So, how goes it on the home front?

CAMERON (as Karma): I killed one of their cannons. I think, uh… approximately 35 stormtroopers.

NICK (as Neato): Thirty-five?!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Neato): That’s the Emperor’s dozen.

LAURA (as Xianna): Excuse me?!

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

NICK (as Neato): An Emperor’s dozen, 35 stormtroopers.

LAURA (as Xianna): That makes no sense.

NICK (as Neato): You make no sense.

NICK: Neato belly crawls up this embankment and looks over.

NICK (as Neato): Oh wow, there’s still, uh, quite a smorgasbord of stormtroopers out there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, I was just entertaining myself while I waited for y’all.

NICK (as Neato): That’s some kind of entertainment.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma, I do not know if killing people is entertainment, and I feel like if I am the one saying moral ethics at the moment… something’s wrong with that, right?

LAURA: Turns to Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): That’s wrong, right? Heh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wrong, right. Left, right. Up, down. You know.

LAURA (as Xianna): You were not listening, were you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ehh.

NICK (as Neato): Morality is in the eye of the sarlacc.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

LAURA (as Xianna): I don’t think sarlaccs have eyes.

NICK (as Neato): Exactly!

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] What?! I can’t handle this.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ohh. Are you a nihilist? I understand. Heh.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nihilist? Okay, so morals are subjunction to each person.

CAMERON (as Karma): Guys, guys, guys—

NICK: Jesus.

[laughter]

LAURA (as Xianna): Why am I the philosopher in this group?! What?!

CAMERON (as Karma): We can have this conversation later on our ship, in the hot tub, after we’ve rescued all these people, but for the moment there’s still a smorgasbord – as Neato said – of stormtroopers that are in the way and holding down these poor people who live on this planet and we need to help them, and I’ve had a rough day. Actually, it was like a rough past five minutes, but we should go.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, a smorgasbord, so… 74.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, a smorgasbord is like upper 70s. It’s more of a cornucopia. I’d say below 70.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, no, a smorgasbord is 74 exactly. A cornucopia is just like around 60, 70, 80.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, then it’s not quite a smorgasbord then, because I think it’s 55 and two cannons.

NICK (as Neato): It’s more of a buffet, really.

LAURA (as Xianna): That’s not—That’s a buffet.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is a buffet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Anyhow. HK, look what I found for you, all of these stormtroopers.

NICK: We see everybody coming up the embankment at once. You do have a pretty sizable group. We’ve got Xianna, HK, Tink, Karma, Specialist Talon, Neato, Smith and Weathers, so there’s eight people. We have all of you coming up and doing the dramatic superhero silhouette thing along this, and we see over your shoulders to all of the stormtroopers down below, and everybody poses with their weapons ready to go, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): Emotional Statement: If I had eyes I would be crying right now.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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