Transcript: Episode 47 An Auctional Adventure

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 47:
An Auctional Adventure

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Starting off, we have got a new Patreon backer! Joshua Winter, thank you so, so much for supporting the squad. We’ve got your bunk all made up, but don’t expect to use it too much, there’s a lot of work to do around the ship. Let’s start with the kitchen. There’s cookies everywhere.

Next up, I want to thank Molar Duck for their extremely kind and thoughtful iTunes review. You’re a wonderful friend to the show, MolarDuck, and we appreciate you dearly.

I want to give a huge thank you to our guest star again this week, Mel D’Amato, for being on our podcast. Illith is a wonderful addition to the Tabletop Squadron universe, and I can’t wait for the audience to see more from them in this arc.

One note this week: This episode is a little bit shorter than usual. The way the story beats played out and how this arc fell over multiple recording sessions, we opted to keep the flow going in the way that made the most sense, which means this one’s a bit more compact, but I promise it’s chockfull of goodness.

So let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 2 of Tabletop Squadron’s Super GenCon Special Extravaganza Holiday Special, etcetera, etcetera. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Everybody, we’re gonna go around the table and introduce yourselves and say what character you are playing today, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hi. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Fantastic. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Good. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Fantastic. Last but certainly not least, our guest for this particular arc, we’ve got Mel!

MEL: Hi, I’m Mel. I am playing Illith Utena Hatake, a Chiss smuggler.

NICK: Ooh~

MEL: You can find me on Twitter at @melerella.

NICK: Yay. So, let’s do the Destiny Roll!


LAURA: We didn’t even use them.

NICK: It’s fine. It’s fun to roll the dice.

CAMERON: One dark side.

MEL: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: Okay, thank you, Laura.

LAURA: You’re welcome!

CAMERON: All the rest of us, boo.

NICK: Aw man. Okay, quick recap from what happened last episode. The crew received a mission from Sentinel to go to a fashion show and buy some long-lost Jedi robes. They went to a fashion show. Xianna stole some jewelry. Tink got some very pleasant compliments. We entered the scene with Illith, a frighteningly charismatic Chiss. Karma ran some security. You saw a very pretty model wearing a half-cape and a thong and decided that that’s the item that you need, which is accurate, and that the thong is most important. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Not most important, just necessary.

NICK: Fair. Fair. So, we’re gonna go ahead and jump right into it. We are going to open on the now brightly lit room where the fashion show is taking place and the crowd is moving into this open amphitheater, and what you can see are these transparesteel cases up against the back wall and they are half tubes. Imagine the thing where Batman stores his different uniforms, or costumes, whatever they are. They’re like those, but they’re not lit.

CAMERON: [giggling] Uniforms. Batman uniforms.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Batman uniforms, you know, like yeah. They’re all dark, and otherwise there’s a single podium, and people are milling around in different groups. As everybody enters the room the auctioneer approaches the lectern from the side of the stage. It is a Troig, which are those two-headed aliens that announce the pod race in Episode I. One of the heads is asleep, the other head is looking around excitedly and has a slicked back pompadour hairdo and an earpiece in and they’re wearing a completely sequent silver suit with a blue tie. They approach the microphone.

MEL: If you don’t have an accent— [stereotypical NYC accent] “Ey, you wanna start an auction here?”


LAURA: So wait, is it one tie around both necks into the front, or is it two neckties?

NICK: It’s two separate neckties.

LAURA: Okay. I just wanted to make sure.

MEL: Are they tied in two different ways?

NICK: Oh yeah.

MEL: Okay good.

NICK: The head that’s not asleep has a full Windsor, and the head that’s sleeping has a bolo tie. The announcer approaches the stage.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, we’ll be starting the auction momentarily. Up first is the first outfit that we saw today, the Sith Happens robes.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: It’s the first very fashionable outfit that was shown in the show of the overlapping shoulder pads with the wide Elizabethan gown and the big collar.

MEL: Illith buys it.


NICK: Yeah, absolutely. There’s two Chadra-fans standing up near the stage, pounding on the stage, and they start bidding immediately. It gets up to about 10,000 Credits and they start looking around. Illith, are you just bidding right away?

MEL: I’m letting them compete with someone else until they get to a point where it’s going once, going twice, and Illith doubles it.


NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, for 15,000 Credits we have the Sith Happens gown going once, going twice, and—

MEL (as Illith): 30,000 Credits.

[collective dramatic gasp]

NICK: The announcer stumbles for a minute.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Wow… yes, 30,000 Credits to the Chiss in the front… Oh! Illith, is that you?

MEL (as Illith): Oh yes, dear. How are you?

NICK (as Auctioneer): Oh, I’m just doing fine.

MEL (as Illith): Oh wonderful.

NICK: The sleeping head wakes up.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Oh hey, it’s Illith!

MEL (as Illith): Oh hello, dear. Good to see you as well.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Aw, it’s so good—[snores]

NICK: And falls back asleep. The auctioneer doesn’t even say going once.

NICK (as Auctioneer): To Illith, of course to Illith.

NICK: And we get polite applause. [others clap] The display case in the far left corner of the stage goes dark and the next one lights up. Some of these are a little hard to display. One of them burns your eyes out, so that’s kind of hard. I think they have a holo representation of it so that everyone can bid. The bidding continues like that. Illith, are you buying the entire fashion show?

MEL: Probably.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah?

MEL: Well, I think Illith throws at least one bid at each one. Sometimes people go higher and she’s like “whatever, it’s not for me anyway.”

NICK: And it’s definitely that when the outfits are purchased, the lights go off, and the models are in the crowd wearing street clothes, and you get some ecstatic winks from some of them as you purchase some of the outfits.

CAMERON: “Illith bought mine~”

MEL: They definitely got that galaxy one and they’ve got plans for it.

NICK: Ooh boy.

CAMERON: It’s gonna go amazing against their skin.

MEL: Oh yeah.


NICK: What’s the armor bonus on holograms? Probably not… We get to the Heartbreaker Jedi cloak and thong which are spread lovely in a display case.

MEL: Spread.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, I wish I hadn’t said it.

CAMERON: That was a word choice.

MEL: [giggles]

NICK (as Auctioneer): And for our final item, the prize of the collection, created from the Heartbreaker relic robes found on the planet of Chandrila, the stylish half-cape and thong combination of the Heartbreaker line, the Long, Long Ago line’s flagship item made from the original fabric. Starting the bidding at 20,000 Credits. Do I hear 20,000 Credits? Twenty thousand—

NICK (as Chadra-fans):20,000!

NICK (as Auctioneer): Thank you very much, Mister and Mister… Wells. Wells, the Chadra-fans.

CAMERON: Wells, yes.

NICK (as Auctioneer): The very famous couple.

LAURA (as Xianna): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. So uh, apparently that is the actual fabric, so I don’t think we are—

CAMERON (as Karma): But it seems like not all of it.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie. I think we just have to bid on this one and then figure out if there is any more fabric.

CAMERON (as Karma): Agreed. Okay.

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand. What number are we at? [laughs]

NICK (as Auctioneer): 35,000 Credits to the Nautolan woman. Sorry ma’am, can I get your name for the records, please?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nailo.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Nailo! To Nailo up in the front.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh my god. You never give them your real name!

CAMERON (as Karma): I do.

NICK (as Announcer): 40,000 Credits. Do I hear 50,000 Credits? 50,000 Credits?

HUDSON (as Tink): Right here!

HUDSON: Tink raises his hand.


LAURA (as Xianna): Tink, no!

CAMERON: Karma punches Tink in the arm.

LAURA (as Xianna): We don’t bid against each other!

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yes, thank you there. We are now to 55,000 Credits.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is so rude. They didn’t ask for your name.

HUDSON (as Tink): [shouting] My NAME is Rallltinkraatakat, for the record! People call me Tink!

NICK (as Auctioneer): yes, thank you very much. Thank you.

NICK: And the bidding continues. We’re at 55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85,000, and the bidding is starting to slow down. Someone bids 86.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna grab three drinks in her hand and she turns to Karma and Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): If someone starts to bid above us I am going to spill these drinks all over them and distract them, just letting you know in case I get thrown out. I am doing this for the mission. Team player!

CAMERON (as Karma): Noted.

LAURA: And saunters off. [laughs]

NICK: In the direction you head there’s a Bothan in a beautiful sequent gown. The bidding is at 85.

NICK (as Bothan): 99,000 Credits.

NICK: They start to raise their hand. Do you do anything to them?

LAURA: Xianna has the three drinks in her right hand and she takes one into her left and bumps into them in a way that the drinks in the right hand do not spill but the one in her left spills all over them. Heh.

NICK: The Bothan slips and falls.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Did I hear 99,000? I don’t… I’m afraid I don’t see the bidder there, so I guess we’re still at 86. Do I hear 87? 87,5? 87? 87,5?

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand, to 87.

NICK (as Auctioneer): To Nailo, we’re at 87. Wonderful, 87.

NICK: Someone starts to raise their hand for 95 again. It’s not the Bothan, it’s somebody else. [smiling]

LAURA: [laughing] Same thing, just walks up.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh. Oops! Sorry. I’m so, so sorry. Oopsies!

NICK: I think we get just a shot from the perspective of the auctioneer over their shoulders and their multiple heads, and people starting to raise their hand and just eating it into the crowd, and it happens multiple times. [laughter] Karma keeps waving to keep the auctioneer’s attention.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Ma’am, we have your bid. Thank you.

NICK: Then somebody bids 99,000 Credits after you run out of drinks. I think it’s Mister and Mister Wells again, and they look really, really excited.

NICK (as Auctioneer): We’re at 99,000 Credits. Thank you so much, Mister and Mister Wells in the front row.

LAURA: Xianna’s looking around like “Where is a server? I need drinks! And not for me this time.”

NICK: The server that you got the original three from looks at you and then runs out of the room with their tray.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Come back! I need more drinks!

NICK: They bid 99,000. You all have 100,000. Do you bid 100,000?

CAMERON: [pained] Yes.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 100,000 Credits! This is unheard of in the Long, Long Ago line. The Heartbreaker, setting new records. Thank you so much, Miss Nailo. Do I hear anything else? Obviously, I mean it’s not gonna go higher than that.

HUDSON (as Tink): 101,000!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] We gotta win this one!

CAMERON (as Karma): Buddy! Buddy…

LAURA: [laughs] Xianna just stops.

LAURA (as Xianna): … I shall murder Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, you don’t need to bid against me. I had the winning bid.

NICK (as Auctioneer): And we’ve got 101,000 to Rallltinkraatakat My Friends Call Me Tink. Thank you so much. [laughter] So, obviously, going once… Could we get a round of applause? Going twice, for Mister Rallltinkraatakat.

MEL (as Illith): 101,069 Credits.


CAMERON: And the theater in unison says:


NICK: The Troig’s other head wakes up and goes…

NICK (as Auctioneer): Nice! You go, Illith.

NICK: …and then falls back asleep.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 101,069… You know, normally we have a 1,000 bid minimum, but that one’s funny, so we’re gonna stick to it. Thank you so much Illith for your patronage. I know that the fashion consortium appreciates that you’re here. It really just brings the show to the next level. Obviously, 101,069, going once… Nice. Going twice…

LAURA: Xianna then shoots her hand up.

LAURA (as Xianna): 200,000!

CAMERON: Karma facepalms, because no one seems to know how this works.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 200–? Wow, 200,000 Credits. That’s unheard of. This is… okay. I guess that’s going to be—

NICK: A protocol droid from the back of the room raises a little mechanical hand.

NICK (as Droid): I am authorized to offer 800,000 Credits for the Heartbreaker robe.

LAURA (as Xianna): Fuck you~!


NICK: The auctioneer freezes and then looks to Illith.

NICK (as Auctioneer): 800,000 Credits?

NICK: And shrugs.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear, I’ve already spent that on the rest of the collection.

NICK (as Auctioneer): [stammers] … Sold!

NICK: The crowd all starts to grumble to each other and wander out of the rooms. You see that the display cases all sink into the floor and go away. You see that there’s an armored train that immediately heads off somewhere else in the facility.

NICK (as Auctioneer): Well, thank you so much. We will be of course instantly launching these by rocket pod to the delivery addresses already provided to us, so no need to worry about that, as soon as the funds transfer.

NICK: The other head pops up and says…

NICK (as Auctioneer): Yeah, so get the heck out.

NICK: …and falls back asleep. Everybody starts to wander out.

LAURA: Xianna’s making a B-line for that droid.

NICK: The droid is just (mechanical noises) just doing the waddle thing, away.

CAMERON: Karma has Tink’s arm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so Tink, when we’re bidding we’re bidding as a group, so just one of us needs to do it. I’m not sure why Xianna yelled 200,000, I’m gonna talk to her too, but in the future if one of the three of us, or Hank, has the—Gosh darn it, I called him Hank. Xianna’s—Oh no… If HK or one of the three of us has the winning bid no one else in the group needs to make one, because we’re already gonna get it. Okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, I’ll think about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you wanna be the person to place the bids, that can be your job from now on.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, you’re now our bid placer.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes! Alright, got it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, cool. Glad- Alright, yeah. Gosh darn it, I’m calling him Hank.

LAURA (as Xianna): Droid! Droid, get back here! Droid! You!

NICK (as HK): Statement: Secondary user, I am already following you.

LAURA (as Xianna): No, not you, hank! The other one! Get back here, please!

NICK: You’re able to run up and grab this protocol droid. Illith, have you gotten close by to see what’s going on?

MEL: I would like to know if I already know whose droid this is.

NICK: You have your suspicions. You haven’t seen this model before, but you are aware of a couple of different people who like to operate through droid proxies.

MEL: Hmm. Illith’s goal right now is to sidle up close, drop something… Do they have exposed wiring? Is it like a C-3PO?

NICK: Yeah.

MEL: The goal is to get up close during a commotion and put a tracker inside of one of their little wired spaces.

NICK: Ooh nice. Yeah. That sure sounds like a Skulduggery check.

MEL: Is that a Skulduggery? I’d like to suggest Charm instead.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay. You could do Charm—

MEL: I’m going to Charm my way close.

NICK: That means you’re gonna need to be involved in the conversation that’s about to happen.

MEL: I’m there.

NICK: Xianna, you manage to grab the droid, turn it around. You notice that this lovely Chiss has appeared just out of nowhere, essentially.

NICK (as Droid): Pardon me, I must be getting back to my employer.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay yes, but who is your employer?

NICK (as Droid): I don’t know why you need to know that information. They’re the winner of the Heartbreaker robe.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes, that is why I need to know, because I want to send them a lovely note about the Heartbreaker whatever it is and some of the history about it.

MEL (as Illith): My dear droid, what is your name?

NICK (as Droid): I am C3-14.

MEL (as Illith): C3-14, what a wonderful name you have.

NICK (as C3-14): Why thank you. I am Human Fashion Relations.


MEL (as Illith): I’m sure you noticed that I bought many of the pieces as well.

NICK (as C3-14): Oh yes. My employer is very worried about the amount of money you’re spending to get into their particular line of business.

MEL (as Illith): I do apologize. I didn’t realize I was undercutting anyone else.

NICK (as C3-14): Undercutting is not the word I would use. Muscling out is the word I would use.

MEL (as Illith): I would certainly be willing to entertain a conversation with your employer should they be interested. I’d even be willing to perhaps do a trade.

NICK (as C3-14): Processing.

NICK: You wanna roll me a Charm check?

MEL: Yeah!

CAMERON: [giggles]

MEL: Alright, I got three of these?

CAMERON: Alright, Charm – three yellows, one green…

NICK: I’m gonna say this is hard, with a black die, because this is a negotiations droid.

MEL: But I got a thing that says I don’t have a black die.

NICK: Well, that would be very helpful. [laughs]

CAMERON: Yup. Kill With Kindness?

MEL: Yeah.

NICK: That’s concerning.

CAMERON: Remove a black die from Charm checks.

MEL: Ding! So I’m rolling these three?


MEL: [rolls]

CAMERON: [giggles wildly]

HUDSON: yeah!

CAMERON: Oh dear.

MEL: That’s good.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm! It’s something.

MEL: That’s a triumph, right?

CAMERON: That is a triumph. Um…

MEL: Dope.

CAMERON: But so, what it comes out to is one failure, two advantages, and a triumph!

NICK: Hey, you know what’s gonna work really well, Mel?

MEL: Hmm?

NICK: The cyborg’s not gonna tell you, but dang if you can’t just easily slip a tracking device into this droid at this point.

MEL: Alrighty! Dope.

NICK (as C3-14): Unfortunately, after my transmission I am not capable of telling you who my employer is. Have a good day.

NICK: And starts to walk off.

MEL (as Illith): Oh please, may I just give you my card? Just in case your employer decides to contact me. I completely understand you can’t tell me, I just want to give you the information.

NICK (as C3-14): This is my primary objective.

NICK: It holds out its little hand.

MEL: Illith does a very gentlemanly move and caresses the bottom of the hand and then places a card in the top of it, and then at the same time underneath their index finger tucks a little tracker inside of the wires on the back of the hand.

NICK: Dang that’s slick! The droid… It can’t blush…

MEL: Nope.

NICK: …but it’s definitely like…

NICK (as C3-14): Oh my!

NICK: …and looks flustered. [laughter] And then takes the card and looks at it.

NICK (as C3-14): Illith Utena Hatake. Oh yes, thank you kindly. I will pass this card along to my employer.

MEL (as Illith): Thank you ever so much. You have a wonderful day.

NICK (as C3-14): And to you as well.

NICK: It wanders off. You notice that everyone else gives this droid a pretty wide birth. This is a big spender, or a representative of one. They got big energy going on and people get out of the way, and it starts to leave.

LAURA: Yeah, BDE, big droid energy.


NICK: Big, droid, energy. Illith, you’re standing there next to this purple Twi’lek in a very fashionable yet suspicious looking coat.

MEL: Hmm.

NICK: You have a tracker. You would imagine that wherever this is going, with that kind of money, that this is probably a high security situation, and as somebody that is a people person you would probably not want to do this alone. I think what happens is Xianna ends up standing there, you got blown off by this droid and by Illith walking up and kind of shoehorning the conversation, and Karma and Tink kinda hustle up to you, and you’re all standing there with Illith kind of to the side.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the 800,000 bid, that was a ridiculous power move, it was not necessary. The bidding was only at 200,000. That was just ridiculous.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma’s just still explaining bidding.

LAURA: Xianna’s kind of paused and her inner monologue is like “Okay. I could shoot the droid, but I am pretty sure Karma would be very disappointed in me and that might not be right. I think that might be morally wrong to just shoot the droid. I won’t. No…” and is just staring off into the upper distance, just expressionless but doing all this in her head. “Okay, so I have no idea what to do right now.”

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Xianna.

LAURA (as Xianna): Oh hello~! Heh.

CAMERON (as Karma): What did the droid say?

LAURA (as Xianna): Nothing. Would not tell me who he worked for. I got no information. Really, I have absolutely nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank. Hank, come over here.

NICK (as HK): Statement: I am standing right next to you.

HUDSON: Oh! God, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Statement: I’ve been here this whole time. Did you forget I was here?

LAURA (as Xianna): He has literally been here the whole time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Hank, I need you to distract the droid, okay?

NICK: The camera pans over to this protocol droid stepping onto a ship and the ship flying away.


HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, too late!

NICK (as HK): Observation: I am not sure how to do that. Would you like me to shoot the ship down?

NICK: He pulls out his very large rifle and it starts to spin up.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No. No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No. Stand down.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed Sigh: Sigh.

HUDSON: [laughs]

MEL (as Illith): I can’t help but notice the three of you seem invested in that particular droid.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.


HUDSON (as Tink): Um… It’s a very nice looking droid and we just wanted to know… uh. I’m a technologist, and I have a hobby around droids, and droid-related things, and droid fashion, and this droid in particular seems to have a keen eye on their metal.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna moves in front of Tink.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. What my friend is saying is that the droid has a particular part that they are no longer manufacturing and he was wondering who the droid is employed by, because maybe they also have more of these mechanical parts.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, the parts.

CAMERON (as Karma): I had a particular interest in the item that was purchased, as you may have noticed from my bidding. As you were bidding as well, I’m sure you were paying attention.

MEL (as Illith): Absolutely. I would have actually argued your points right there as the droid had been there for the entire show in the back, and if your interest truly lied within the droid you had ample opportunity prior to this point. Therefore, it could only mean that you are interested in the item that the droid had purchased.

CAMERON (as Karma): Items.

NICK: You see a subtle red glow from around the sunglasses that they’re wearing.

CAMERON: [laughs] Look at those intelligent eyes.

NICK: It’s just the Chiss thing, just observant as heck.

LAURA (as Xianna): yeah, okay. Whatever. Fuck it. Yes, we wanted to get the cape and the thong. That’s what we wanted.

MEL (as Illith): Then we have a similar goal. I’m terribly interested in those items.

LAURA (as Xianna): You know… We could part with the thong, but we really, really need the cape. Unless, do you think the thong is also part of the same material?

CAMERON (as Karma): I really don’t want to be the person to hand over a thong. [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): You know what?

CAMERON (as Karma): But at the same time I do, but I just, I don’t.

LAURA (as Xianna): I will do that one. I’ll do that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LAURA (as Xianna): If it comes to it, I will explain, and by that I mean I will throw the thong at his face and say this is what you have now.


MEL: [fiercely] “Wear it!”

MEL (as Illith): Well, you know, I have a vague idea of whom that droid belongs to, not exactly, but a thought. What I do know for certain is that this person has far  more security than one person could possibly breech, so I would be willing to share some information with you in return for your aid, and I would pay you handsomely for your help.

LAURA (as Xianna): We can do that, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): … Yes, we can.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m following you.

HUDSON: I wink.

LAURA (as Xianna): You said you had theories on who the droid works for?

MEL (as Illith): You’re not curious about how handsomely the reward would be paid out? We could come to a pre-agreement just to make sure motivations are available.

HUDSON (as Tink): We like surprises, but—


LAURA: Xianna holds up a finger.

LAURA (as Xianna): One minute.

LAURA: Then turns around and pulls the group into that very standard team huddle.

CAMERON: Team huddle!

LAURA (as Xianna): Okie! So, how much do we want to ask for?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we ask for 101,069 dollars.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. That ends with a 9, so it would be dividable by 3, right? Is that how math works?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not necessarily.


LAURA (as Xianna): I do not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): The 9, yes, dividable by 3. The whole number? I’m not sure.

LAURA (as Xianna): Well, 69 is dividable by 3.

HUDSON (as Tink): 101 is… not dividable by 3.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have no idea!

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON: Tink pulls out a calculator.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay, so then I will take the rounded up number, or we give that rounded bit to Hank.

NICK: By the way, Illith, you can hear this whole conversation.


LAURA (as Xianna): The rounded bit will go to Hank.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as HK): That would leave me approximately 4 Credits. Thanks.

LAURA (as Xianna): It’s not like you have to buy food or anything, Hank.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, it would not be 4, because there’s another 3 in there.

NICK (as HK): My processor was literally shot out of me several weeks ago. Cut me some slack.

CAMERON (as Karma): We got you a new one.

LAURA (as Xianna): Wait. Hank, do you have a need for credits?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you know that it only takes 4 Credits for a bot to have a great night out on the town?

NICK (as HK): Disapproving look.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. I don’t think he actually needs credits. I think he was just being ornery.

CAMERON (as Karma): But to be fair, we could give Hank the 1 Credit and then all of us would get 33,689 Credits.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna twirls around.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay! We will do it for 101,069 Credits?

MEL (as Illith): That’s a deal.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yes.

MEL (as Illith): That’s absolutely a deal. In fact, upon completion I would be happy to throw in the obnoxiously bright outfit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes.

MEL (as Illith): Bonus.

LAURA (as Xianna): I have so many plans for that one.

HUDSON (as Tink): That hurt me.


NICK: The camera starts on darkness and then there’s a sharp click and the electronic noise of a gangplank lowering out of the ship and it illuminates the Afternoon Delight, and we see Tink and Karma and Xianna and Illith all walking in a line up the gangplank, and the lights flicker on to your ship that you’ve been calling your home for about a month at this point. It’s been a while, longer than you would think, but still not a huge amount of time.

Illith, you are bathed in… Imagine 1960s luxury theater, like a Cinemark with red shag carpeting and gold highlights. There is a large circular plinth in the middle of this main room of the ship that has a flower display on it, and there are a lot of rooms leading off this main area. The ship is huge. This is a Starwind pleasure yacht which essentially is like half Millennium Falcon half super nice freighter that politicians would use to get around, and nobody ever buys them because if you want a fast smuggling ship you buy a YT ship like Han Solo has, and if you want a nice, comfy ship you buy the Naboo starliners that people get. This one is a little bit of both and people don’t usually touch it.

As you’re walking into the ship you can see down a main hallway to the cockpit. Everything has sporadic mirrors and wood paneling and red shag carpeting, and you can see an unnecessarily large galley off down another way. This is a very big ship. I’m assuming, karma, you go to put in the coordinates and take off.

CAMERON: Yup. That is a good assumption.

NICK: Everybody sits down in the large, comfortable chairs in the main room except for Karma and we see the ship taking off into space. Hank is stomping around in the back of the ship.

NICK (as HK): Unhappy grumbling. One measly credit. Unhappy grumbling.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA (as Xianna): Hank, I asked you if you needed credits and you did not tell me that you needed credits.

NICK: He throws something and walks back into the ship. Illith, you have a data pad with you that’s about the size of a standard iPhone. It’s got a blinking red light on it which means you know exactly where this ship has gone to, which is—you’ve actually heard of this place and everything kind of clicks into place. It’s on a small, unpopulated moon near the Inner Rim. It’s basically in the suburbs of Coruscant, like the fancier part of the area, but one that hasn’t been settled in any way. You know that there’s a collector there that has painstakingly reassembled the Tomb of Thio Barsenthor on Chandrila, which was a very well-preserved Jedi tomb that was recently discovered but hasn’t been explored yet, but it’s something that everyone’s really interested in. It’s like a neat part of culture. This person has been buying up anything that anybody has sold that’s related to it and is basically building Jurassic park but for Jedi instead. They probably purchased this as one of the set pieces.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear, this guy.

CAMERON (as Karma): This guy?

MEL (as Illith): This guy…

MEL: What’s his name?

NICK: It’s actually a girl, and her name is Kettle. She is a Geonosian mob boss…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: …who you have dealt with but only sporadically. She’s only interested in the kind of things that you like to work on sometimes. She’s very scary, people disappear around her, but she also pays really well for when she needs things.

MEL: What was the planet?

NICK: I didn’t say what it was. It’s just a—

MEL: Not the planet, the area, the suburb.

NICK: It’s an unmarked moon on the inner core. We can name it whatever we want. Having heard of this particular passion project of Kettle’s, it has been called Chandrila II.

MEL: Alright. Illith is holding a data pad in their hand and heaves a big sigh.

MEL (as Illith): Ugh… this woman.

MEL: Is Kettle Human?

NICK: No, she’s Geonosian.

MEL: Oh, Geonosian!

NICK: It’s like those weird bug people from Episode II that have the flappy wings and the guns that shoot noises at people.

MEL (as Illith): Oh dear. Are any of you familiar with a particular person named Kettle?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, the queen.

LAURA (as Xianna): Ooh! Yes.

LAURA: Xianna starts rooting around in her pockets.

LAURA (as Xianna): It is in here somewhere. Tink, hold these granola bars.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Yeah.

LAURA: She’s handing granola bars.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Hold the binders.

LAURA: You get both the regular and the fuzzy ones.

LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Okay… [gasps] I got it! I got it.

LAURA: And she is holding the IOU from Kettle.


LAURA (as Xianna): Okay. Wait, Tink, you hold this, then we get the granola bars back.

HUDSON (as Tink): This is just trash.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no.

LAURA (as Xianna): No-no-no, there are still granola bars in there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, the paper you just handed me.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LAURA (as Xianna): No. Do not throw that out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Alright.

LAURA (as Xianna): Also, give me my binders back. Okay.

LAURA: And then takes the paper back. Well, I guess it’s “flimsy.” Then unfolds the flimsy.

LAURA (as Xianna): See? It is the IOU from Kettle. Remember? We played cards with her.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, from like two weeks ago.

LAURA (as Xianna): I even remember this one.

CAMERON: I don’t know how time works.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t remember.

LAURA (as Xianna): And I remember nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have no memory of this.

CAMERON (as Karma): You did drink a lot.

HUDSON (as Tink): I did?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LAURA (as Xianna): I remember this one because it was the first time I met Nolaa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, was that when I broke edge?

CAMERON (as Karma): yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh.

MEL (as Illith): Time certainly does fly sometimes.

CAMERON (as Karma): So yes, we have had dealings with Kettle in the past.

MEL (as Illith): Fascinating.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

MEL (as Illith): I’ve had some dealings with Kettle in the past and I don’t know that I’d call her a queen, but that is…

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s her mob name.

MEL (as Illith): Ah, yes. I forgot about that. I don’t often like to think about the mob.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: We get a flashback of Illith jumping behind a dumpster and a giant explosion and then we flash back.

MEL (as Illith): Yes. I suppose it’s fortunate that you’re familiar with Kettle. You’ll know how to interact. Therefore, we’ll need to set our destination for Chandrila II.

CAMERON: Karma looks to Tink to make that Astrogation check.

LAURA (as Xianna): Yeah, I cannot do that.

NICK (as HK): Interruption: Electric Boogaloo.


NICK: End of episode.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners find the show and will make the squad do barrel rolls in our X-wings when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Illith Utena Hatake is played by Mel D’Amato. You can find them on Twitter at @melerella.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @Cheerio_Buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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