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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 24:
Phantasm Fun

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

No real announcements for this week, so I just want to thank everyone for listening and remind them to leave a review on their podcatcher of choice if they haven’t already. Thank you everyone for your continued support of Tabletop Squadron.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 24 of Tabletop Squadron, your best source for tactics and…


NICK: …and everyone saying the Owen Wilson “wow.” Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow~



NICK: Our two biggest contributions to the internet space are wows and tactics. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Wow~! I’m Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright~

NICK: No, that’s the other guy.

LILIT: That’s a different person.

HUDSON: Oh, whoops.

LILIT: That’s Matthew McConaughey.

HUDSON: Oh… Oh! Owen Wilson—

NICK: I wish everyone could see the face that you made when you said “whoops” really non-convincingly.


LILIT: You thought I was lying to you.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very emotionally drained Nautolan bounty hunter.


NICK: Makes sense. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: [laughing] Two dark side.

NICK: Appropriate.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Great, so two dark side, three light side?


HUDSON: Correct.

[slinky music begins]

NICK: When we last left  you all, Karma had a very emotionally draining conversation with Keer, the father of her children. Tink and Xianna and HK did some looking back in time to figure out the source of who threw up next to the hot tub as well as doing some nice hot tubbing. You all prepared in your own special way for the mission that had been requested of you by Keyna, the singer in the Songbird jizz club, and you all went to get popsicles. That’s where we’re gonna start off.

We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight crouched behind a pile of trash. They are overlooking a rusted building nestled against a larger skyrise. The Kemslingers have hulled up in an old garage right at the perimeter of the lower levels. You know if you go much deeper Coruscant starts to become wilderness.

The cleaning crew and planetary upkeep teams only go so far. You run into hiding places, strange creatures, toxic swamps, all sorts of things that happen when a city has grown so large that no one knows where the bottom is. This is just past that line. You can actually see the part of the street where the cleaning droids stop and retreat to higher levels.

The garage itself is dusty and looks abandoned from the outside. There’s very little activity, and chunks of totaled speeders dot the front. There’s a single metal door inset in front of the building between two rusted garage doors that look like they wouldn’t open unless you hit them with a thermal detonator. We can see that Tink, Xianna and Karma are each holding a slightly melted popsicle while they stake out their target.

HUDSON: I take a look at my grape popsicle and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey HK, I know we’re behind some trash, so you must feel right at home, huh? Ha-ha.

[slinky music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, are you negging me in an opportunity to make me want to hang out with you more?

HUDSON (as Tink): [embarrassed] No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds like a yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, I wasn’t very popular growing up and now I’m trying to do what they did to me. Seeing if it works. I read this book online—

LILIT (as Xianna): You need to stop reading random books you just find.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, that’s called bullying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not good.

NICK (as HK): Your tactics will not work. You cannot hurt my feelings, Tink, because I do not have any.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… that’s sad.

NICK (as HK): However, sometimes I do search for vengeance. I suggest you watch yourself.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I feel like vengeance is an emotion, you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think vengeance is like right beside hunger on the emotion scale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hunger is an emotion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Physically hungry, but also emotionally hungry, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Emotionally hungry.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very similar to being angry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Hangry, angry…

LILIT (as Xianna): Revenge!

HUDSON (as Tink): …same root word.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. But anyways.

CAMERON: Karma makes a face and eats her ocean water popsicle.

LILIT: Xianna waves her pineapple popsicle around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Are we just going to run in there and kill them? Steal the object and just leave it at that? Or, what else do we do?

[slinky music returns]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I have a plan. I recently saw a movie that inspired me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we send in Creamsicle through the roof, through the vents, to start causing a little bit of mischief around the garage such as having a pack of blood just ooze from one of the vent openings or maybe have a clamor in the far part of the garage where no one’s been for a long time, or maybe having spills or oil just fly out of cars because Creamsicle will be in the car throwing things around and—

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you suggesting that we fake a ghost haunting so that they will get scared and leave?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly what I’m suggesting. You are in tip-top shape today, mentally. I applaud you, and I think we should then come to the front door and pretend like we are a ghost hunting crew that can help them find out the effects of the ghost, what kind they are, what their hobbies and interest are, how extreme they are, if they’re like extreme with one X or two Xs or three Xs, you know, the levels, and see if we can scare them out of their place like you mentioned.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve been staying up too late watching all the ghost hunter shows, haven’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No-no.

LILIT: Xianna holds out her palm, like open-handed.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think Tink has a good idea, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): To answer your question, Karma, it was a movie. It was called Ghost Hunters.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a miniseries special based on the TV show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, whatever form of media I consumed I sure did consume it, my boy.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But I think the base idea is good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like what if instead of setting everything up and doing all the sneaking and having to kill people… that’s so much work, what if we just make them think it’s haunted? And they just leave? And somebody else was killing them anyways, so maybe they will be extra scared and, you know, run away, and we don’t have to do any heavy lifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can Creamsicle write in English?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have tried that, but she can carry a bag of blood.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is confirmed.

HUDSON (as Tink): So we can maybe write the blood message when we’re in there investigating.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): You are very specific that Creamsicle can carry a bag of blood. Where have you been finding bags of blood?

[slinky music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t ask questions, HK. Mind your own business.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you would ask me why I would be interested in bags of blood. It’s just idle curiosity.

LILIT (as Xianna): We all know you are interested in bags of blood, HK! You talk about it all the time!

NICK (as HK): I am interested in tubes of blood. Tubes of blood.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just walk in while we are eating our cereal and you go “ello, has anybody had a bag of—or a tube of blood today?” And we have to tell you no every single day.

NICK (as HK): I disagree with that assessment, as I have never said “ello” in my life.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what I mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, check that off your bucket list. You just did that.

NICK (as HK): Kriff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ha-ha! If the vents are big enough for me to fit in as well, we can put a clear paint finish on their walls, in English, and then Creamsicle can spill the bag of blood when they are actually there, and then they can’t hear me in the vents because it’s Creamsicle. She’s so much smaller, makes no sound.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a good idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. This is coming together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do not see how this is less work. I do think just breaking in and starting shooting is a bad idea, because we don’t know how many people are in there and what their arsenal looks like, but we know they’re probably well-armed because they’ve been being hunted and their gang members…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s less work.

CAMERON (as Karma): How?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because one, we already have speakers that we can set up to pump in spooky sounds. We have spooky sound music already from that one dinner party we threw. We have the bags of blood. We have the weird paint finish—don’t ask why I have it—that will cause the blood to form letters. And this way nobody gets shot at.

NICK (as HK): Karma, it is like you say, even though this may take more physical effort than merely killing the organics, if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.

[slinky music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also it would just be funny, yes. HK has a point. It’s funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): You could come up with a persona!

LILIT (as Xianna): Theoretically they will be scared and we never have to actually go in as ghost hunters, only if some of them don’t want to leave. But this is just funnier and then none of us get shot at, because I don’t like that, because then Tink gets weird with the pretending he is a doctor thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… I’ll just ignore that last part.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not your doctor. You refuse.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. You are not my doctor or anybody’s.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Karma, are you convinced?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really, but knock yourselves out, kids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I was about to have to make a huge deal about how this may or may not be a democracy within our group and so we would have to vote, but I’m glad I don’t have to do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do this, and if worse case it fails then we can just go in and shoot them I guess. But this way nobody gets shot at.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, backup plans are backup plans. What is everyone’s fake personas?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a spooky ghost. Woooo~!

HUDSON (as Tink): That is not a fake persona. We’re knocking on the door. We can’t say “here’s our ghost.”

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] “Hello, I hear you’re haunted. We brought a ghost with us.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I won’t be at the door. I will be in the vents.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh no-no-no, this is a good ghost. You have the bad ghost in there.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Be rattling things around and cutting eyeholes out of their paintings. They probably don’t have any paintings in their terrible gang garage, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): They could have posters.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can cut the eyes out of the posters. Hopefully there are people on the posters and not just speeders or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Okay, so you do want to be a ghost, just to be clear?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured I will be in their vents placing all of this stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): That works out. Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): I suppose I am the muscle for this ghost hunting crew.

NICK (as HK): But what will the name of your alternate personality be?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Daphne Blake.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a good one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am gonna be… Reverend Daniel Bearback. You can call me Rev. Bearback.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you can have that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we have explained this before. There are connotations to that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like the bear, like rawr. You know?

[slinky music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): There are connotations with that name. If you are okay with those connotations, fine, but I warned you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. I’ll come up with a different name.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as HK): My name will be Cogster Johnson… ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good. Very good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Cogster… [laughs] Wait, Cogster Johnson?

NICK (as HK): Cogster Johnson, ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, I’m going to place speakers into their garage and then I’m going to give everybody the other end so everybody can make different types of spooky ghost sounds. Well maybe not you, HK, I don’t know if they would believe that a droid died and decided to haunt their place.

NICK (as HK): This is probably a fair assessment. I will focus on the assassin part of this mission.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, got my persona. I am going to be Reverend Connor Suckerpunch. Now, it’s Reverend Suckerpunch, because my move when I exorcise the ghost is to sucker punch them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, that makes sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convenient that you ended up in a profession that you could tie it to your name so well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK: So it sounds like you have a plan to create a fake haunting in this garage, to such an extreme that these hardened criminals flee forever, thus destroying their organization. Is that accurate?

LILIT: Correct.


LILIT: And I would like to flip a light side point to say that we just have all of these supplies, for some reason.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Any of the supplies we need to create this haunting are somehow on the ship.

NICK: I think there’s a combination of them being on the ship or really easy to get at a corner store or something. We don’t have to go through procuring the basics.

LILIT: I just want a whole bunch of special effects just in the ship for some reason.

NICK: We can do that. That’s worth a light side point. But I do want to know where the blood came from.

HUDSON: It came from Cheapo Mart. [musically] Cheapo Mart, buy our shit. It’s cheap. La-la-la.

CAMERON: [snickers] Good jingle.

LILIT: Let’s see… Oh, Xianna stumbled upon an illegal blood bank and decided to steal all of that blood. It wasn’t viable anyways, but it will be good for arts and crafts.

NICK: Okay. Good to know.

CAMERON: Wow. [laughs]

NICK: So, what is Step 1 of this plan to make the garage appear haunted? What are you doing first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Creamsicle, go forth!

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna go into the vents with Creamsicle and set everything up that she can from there.

NICK: Okay. I need two things from you. I would like you to do a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty to find the best way to get through their security and into the vents. Then after that, assuming that goes well, it will determine how hard your Stealth check is to put stuff everywhere without getting caught.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we staked the place out and have a better idea of when they will be there and when they won’t?

NICK: Yeah, for sure, and because you’re not really in a rush on this, so you can take your time.

LILIT: I got six successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wow. So this place has large vents that crisscross through the ceiling. It has a fake drop ceiling that you’re able to climb through as well, so you don’t need just the vents. This building is tucked against another building, but how do you get up on the roof and into the building without being seen? With that many successes I think part of your Skulduggery is you’re definitely in the building. The Stealth check will just be for setting things up.

LILIT: I think in this part of Coruscant there’s probably a lot of smog and smoke and various things from manufacturing plants and other industries, so Xianna just waits for a moment when the smoke is heavier at night and uses that to blend in and sort of stay close to the buildings and gets onto the roof of the adjacent building and sort of army crawl sneaks over to the actual garage.

NICK: Okay. There are stacks of crates and speeder parts, so you’re able to climb up onto the roof of the garage if you want, and there’s a big open vent that looks like it rusted apart a long time ago. So you’re able to get into the building.

LILIT: Yes, and then once inside the building Xianna will go through the vents and place tiny little speakers onto the grates in various places and a few tiny little projectors as well, in one or two of the vents, and will wait for them to leave the room. Once that has been done will exit out of the vents and take a bit of clear unobservable paint that is hydrophobic and paint “LEAVE NOW” in big spooky letters on one of the walls that is below a vent. And also just steal a few things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] And also steal a few things. Great.

LILIT: Just for fun. [laughs]

NICK: For doing that with how well you cased the joint and how prepared you are, make me an average Stealth check to get everything just so and exactly where you want it, but you will have a black die because you’ve never been here before.

LILIT: I can add a blue die per rank of Stalker to all Stealth and Coordination checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Alright, I have a triumph with its success and two advantages.

NICK: Nice. What additional thing do you find out with this triumph or what cool thing do you steal?

LILIT: Hmm… Xianna steals somebody’s very nice pocket watch that definitely has an engraving on it from some relative, assumedly dead relative. Xianna takes that. Do we wanna say maybe they have computers pulled up with all of their criminal activity? Can Xianna find out all of their criminal activities?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: Great. What are their criminal activities?

NICK: So, you drop down into this garage and you’re painting a spooky message on the wall in clear paint, and there’s several data banks up against the wall. They look a lot newer than the rest of the garage, still not in the best repair but not original parts to be sure. Some of the screens are still on and functioning, and you can see kind of like a little black book program of various transactions that they’ve been doing, and they’ve been doing some pretty bad stuff.

It looks like since they were kicked out of the, as it references in the notes, Blue Bantha Jizz Club that the Kemslingers have leaned really heavily into trafficking drugs, but before they used the club to get their clients and now since they have less clients they’re cutting it with stuff that’s potentially poisonous. They’re being a lot less safe and they’re kinda screwing over their customers.

In addition to that, you can see that they occasionally will kidnap people off the streets of Coruscant and sell them to Hutts out of the system. It doesn’t appear that they have anybody right now, but they’ve been stealing people, which is pretty messed up, and that seems to be where they’re getting a majority of their money.

So, you’re able to jump back up into the vent before people go by.

LILIT: Xianna gets back out and hands the pocket watch to HK and asks HK to redo the engraving on the pocket watch. If it says like “yours forever” have HK re-engrave out onto the sides of it so it says like “your soul shall forever be mine” and make it very creepy.

NICK: Heh. HK takes the pocket watch and says:

NICK (as HK): This is funny, because it will terrify somebody with a personal artifact of theirs.

NICK: There’s a click in his wrist and a very thin blade seems to fountain up and then solidify and he starts with mechanical precision to etch the words in. He even matches the font. It looks like it’s always like that. Then, HK stops for a second and says…

NICK (as HK): Wait.

NICK: …and starts to carve on it again so now the letters look all drippy too.

NICK (as HK): Hopefully this will cause an organic some extreme distress.

NICK: And hands it back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. This is very good.

LILIT: Then Xianna hands it to Creamsicle, and Creamsicle runs back off into the vent, hopefully to put it back where it was found.

NICK: Hard to tell with Creamsicle. Maybe. Maybe Creamsicle will go eat snacks out of the kitchen. So, that was the first thing. You’ve really set the stage with scary microphones, tiny projectors aimed at mirrors, and a potential invisible ink on the walls. What else are you going to set up?

HUDSON: I go to the control panel outside the building that’s connected to the energy source of the building, and I make it so that the lights will flicker on and off and on and off randomly for the next few hours.

NICK: Alright. I think with how well Xianna skulduggled the place you’re able to get right up next to it without having to be particularly sneaky. She’s identified all of the proper approaches that won’t be observed. So, I just need a hard slicing check from you, but you can have a blue die because Xianna did see their computer systems unlocked and was able to tell you that not all of them are currently password protected so it’ll be easier to get in.

LILIT: I tell you the make and model so you can know if there are any pre-programmed backdoors or anything.

NICK: “Oh, they’ve got an Omega3 tower? You just elbow it like Fonzie and go ‘aaay.’”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: You just go into Programs, File, 64, File again…

HUDSON: Definitely Not Porn folder, and then you’re in.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Two successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. So the lights will now flicker on and off dramatically at the appropriate times. I think you’re also able to discover quite a bit of other information and maybe do something else with their systems that’s gonna make their life harder with five advantages. What do you think that would be?

HUDSON: I take down their website and chatroom.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. They had one of those forums that they use to recruit people over time and it’s just totally gone and replaced with just the color green. Just the whole screen is this particular shade of green. You go there and it just is one color, no font, nothing.

CAMERON: “Sorry boss, SpacerSoft is having an outage.”


NICK: Their online communications are shut down as well. They’re not going to be reaching outside of their building using the Holonet. Do you also hack the thermostat?

HUDSON: Yes, I hack the thermostat so that it gets very cold in random places in the building.

NICK: Okay. Karma, what is your plan to make this garage seem even more haunted?

CAMERON: So, the first thing Karma does is goes and picks up a cheese pizza for everybody.


CAMERON: Because we’ve been sitting here watching all day, so we’re hungry.

NICK: Yeah, it’s pretty late after dinner time by this point.

CAMERON: And we were just talking about hunger being an emotion and everyone realized that they were indeed hungry, so accomplished a pizza first.

NICK: Y’all have had pizza three times in three meals.

CAMERON: False! Those were pizza cones beforehand.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: In the middle. So it was pizza, then two pizza cones, and then pizza again.

LILIT: Well, popsicles and then pizza.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Oh, that totally resets the counter.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: It does, yeah. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Completely different. Popsicles are a fruit.



NICK: So we get a quick scene of you all sitting with your backs to a dumpster just eating a pizza together and then tossing the box into the dumpster and getting back to work.

CAMERON: Yup. Then Karma goes over, I’m guessing it’s probably near where Tink was accessing the electric controls for the building, and has to dig a little bit at the base of the building with her knife but then has a wire that she pulls out slightly and has a blade set against it so she can cut the phone line.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Very cool. So, this garage is primed and ready to be very spooky very quickly. You all were extremely successful. Turns out setting up a fake haunting is well within your skillset. I’m as surprised as—well, I would say surprised as y’all are, but this was your idea, so I guess I’m surprised as the audience is.

I think the best way to show how successful this is… is to get it from the perspective of the people inside the building, so we’re going to switch to the Kemslingers who are hanging out in this garage waiting for their next big deal, and I want you all to play a Kemslinger as the haunting starts to happen. So, we’ll go around the table and everybody introduce your Kemslinger and what they look like and what their name is.

HUDSON: I’m a Human named Angry Albert. They call me Angry Albert because, uh… I have a bit of a temper.

NICK: What does Angry Albert look like?

HUDSON: Angry Albert has a bowl cut, wears a bowtie, every now and again wears suspenders… and boots.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: [in a sort of old timey gangster voice] He sounds like this! I just oughta—well, I just wallop them in the face, you know?!

NICK: I love it. Great.

LILIT: I will be playing a Chadra-Fan named Big Joe.

NICK: Okay, so you’re a very small cute bat person named Big Joe.

LILIT: Yes, but they have a scar running across one of their eyebrows and eyes so that you know they’re hardcore.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

HUDSON: How tall is Big Joe?

LILIT: Like three feet tall.


LILIT: Like one meter.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: At most. Big Joe is not very big.

CAMERON: I will be playing an Anselmi…

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: …named Darla Rockthrower.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, Anselmi are the other main species that live on Glee Anselm, and they hate Nautolans, because the Nautolans live on turtles in the ocean and for some reason the Anselmi decided to live on land and there’s not a lot of that on Glee Anselm.

HUDSON: I know how you got your name.

CAMERON: Noun Verber?!

HUDSON: Yes! But, you were known as a child growing up as the kid who threw rocks at trains.

CAMERON: [laughs] I’ve been bad since I was 6, throwing rocks at trains. The Anselmi kind of look like spiky turtles. They’re still amphibians, but they look more reptilian than Nautolans do.

[slow guitar music begins]

NICK: So, it’s a normal day in the Kemslinger hideout. You’ve just made a reasonably big deal selling off some of your inventory that you cut with cleaning supplies to make sure that it could hit all of your customers. You’re pretty sure you didn’t cut it too much to where people will get sick, but eh, who cares. You’re all standing around in the garage just celebrating your victory and having a good time.

HUDSON (as Albert): Hey Big Joe, why do they call you Big Joe? You’re  not very big at all!

LILIT (as Joe): If you ask me that one more time I will stab  you.

HUDSON (as Albert): If you stab me I’ll just stab you right back, I tell you what!

LILIT (as Joe): You would never catch me. I’m too fast for you, Angry Albert.


HUDSON (as Albert): I bet your bottom dollar you ain’t at all!

LILIT (as Joe): I’ll fucking stab you in the bottom.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Albert): [grits his teeth and makes angry noises]

NICK: There is a very muscly Human with a shaved head and a big purple facial tattoo on half of his face that walks into the room.

NICK (as boss): Angry Albert, you get it together. Stop threatening to stab anybody that’s in our group. There’s not that many of us left.

HUDSON (as Albert): Say that again and I’ll stab you.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait a second, boss. Um… if we cut all the products with the cleaning supply, what are we gonna use to clean?

NICK (as boss): It’s funny to me that you suggest we clean at all. This place hasn’t been cleaned in years.

NICK: Camera sweep to all the dust and dirt and rust all over the place.

NICK (as boss): That was Rockthrower’s job.

LILIT (as Joe): I didn’t ever plan on cleaning, I was just saying like… hypothetically.

NICK (as boss): We’ll go buy more cleaning supplies when we get more product. You know how this works. We’ve done it forever.

HUDSON (as Albert): [fuming] Ugh, the bathroom is just filthy! What if I wanna bring someone back here? You know, like a hot date or something. You know what I mean? I just oughta… [stammers] I’d clean it myself, but I don’t want to. Ugh.

[slow guitar music ends]

LILIT (as Joe): The fast food place down the street has an open bathroom!

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbling] Alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Just use that bathroom.

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Or just don’t bring dates back here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Well some of them wanna see my badass hangout.

LILIT (as Joe): You’re just trying to give them drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): They’re trying to get drugs for free?

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah!

NICK (as boss): I hate to tell you, Angry Albert, but they’re absolutely trying to get drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): That gal Melinda though.

LILIT (as Joe): And you can’t give them drugs for free, we gotta sell drugs to the community.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): We provide a vital service.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as boss): Wait. Shut up. Do you hear that?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Hear what?

NICK (as boss): What’s that noise?

LILIT (as Joe): That was Albert!

HUDSON (as Albert): It was not me.

NICK (as boss): No, not Albert.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, now I think I heard that.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Albert, was that your stomach?! Please say it was.

HUDSON (as Albert): N-No, I haven’t eaten in a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] Leave now~

HUDSON: Tink gets on the mic.

HUDSON (as Tink): [ghostly voice, hums ‘The Longest Time’ tune]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] I shall feast on the souls~

NICK (as boss): Did you… Did you see that? There’s something… There’s something moving somewhere in here. The rest of the guys are in the other area, but I can still see movement.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, I think it’s over there.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?

NICK (as boss): No, it’s behind you.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?! [frantic noises] What, where?! I looked. I don’t see nothing.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: And the lights begin to flicker, and you can see your breath in front of your faces as it gets really cold here in the entryway to the garage.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I promise I paid the electric bill.

NICK (as boss): Yeah, you better have.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I did.

NICK (as boss): I had hoped you hadn’t paid it, because… what else could explain this?!

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t want to be the first one to say it, but I think it’s a ghost.

HUDSON (as Albert): [through gritted teeth] You didn’t wanna be the first one to say it but then you said it.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!

NICK (as boss): [dismissively] A ghost? Really?

LILIT (as Joe): Well, what else do you think it is, boss?

NICK: We hear a light pattering from the vents, and suddenly Zol, the boss, whips around to see a red dark liquid pouring from one of the vents, and it doesn’t completely cover the wall as if being written on by some sort of ghastly fingers.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh my god! I think it says “lea no.” Oh wait, no, it says “leave now.”

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): “Leave!”

LILIT (as Joe): It says “leave now.”

HUDSON (as Albert): Believe? What are we believing?

LILIT (as Joe): Nah, the blood just hadn’t gotten all the way over to the right hand side yet.

HUDSON (as Albert): Oh… Oh, alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Lea no made no sense, but leave now, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

HUDSON (as Albert): I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): Well I am! I don’t wanna get no stabbed by a ghost.

HUDSON: [hums Ghostbusters stinger]

LILIT: [giggles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I don’t think ghosts stab people…

LILIT (as Joe): Well, I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to be around to find out.

HUDSON (as Albert): How could they possibly hold the knife?

LILIT (as Joe): I know they’re incorporeal, but…

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): So poltergeists are different? If it’s a poltergeist it can interact with solids around you.

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah, they like use the power of the Force to lift up the knife and then use it to stab you. … That’s what I would do if I was a ghost.

NICK: A toolbox rattles off of a workbench in the back of the shop with a loud bang.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Ah!

LILIT: Big Joe jumps and points at it.

LILIT (as Joe): See?! This place is fucking haunted! And that ghost is gonna stab us. You know what, if none of you care, I’m gonna call One-Eyed Ted and see what he has to say about this. He’s gonna back me up once he hears about all this.

[eerie music ends]

NICK (as Zol): Make the call.

LILIT: And Big Joe runs over to the telephone that is on the table.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s like an old rotary telephone, too.

LILIT: And dials the number one by one as it is a rotary phone with their little bat fingers.


LILIT: Ring… Ring…

LILIT (as Ted): Yeah?

LILIT (as Joe): One-Eyed Ted, you won’t believe what the fuck is happening down at the garage!

LILIT (as Ted): Ugh. What is happening down at the garage?

LILIT (as Joe): A fucking ghost is haunting the place, and boss and Albert and Rockthrower don’t fucking believe me. But there’s blood on the wall and it says “leave now.” And the lights went out, and shit got moved around, and it’s cold, and not in like a we forgot to pay the electricity bill like that one time and also forgot to threaten the electrician so that they would keep the lights on and stuff. Now it’s all working but it’s cold as Hoth over here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Ted! Ted, do you hear me? You owe me 30 Credits, you motherfucker!

LILIT (as Ted): I definitely do not owe you 30 Credits.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Albert): I can’t hear you, but you better talk about how you’re paying up.

LILIT (as Ted): Big Joe, I can hear Albert, and you gotta tell him that I do not owe him 30 Credits.

HUDSON (as Albert): Turn that rotary phone on speaker, damn it!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Joe): I’m not turning the phone on speaker! It doesn’t have that setting, remember? We pawned that. One-Eyed Ted says that he doesn’t owe you 30 Credits and that it’s a ghost.

LILIT (as Ted): I did not say it was a ghost, but it probably is a ghost. It does sound like you are indeed in the midst of a haunting from a supernatural entity.

CAMERON: The line goes dead.

LILIT (as Joe): [gasps] Oh my god! The line cut out right as he said it was a ghost!

LILIT: And Big Joe is pointing wildly around.

LILIT (as Joe): Right as he said it was a ghost the line went out. See, it’s a fucking ghost, I’m telling you.

HUDSON (as Albert): No proof that that’s no ghost. I gotta get at least one more sign.

LILIT (as Joe): What else do you think there is? It’s already put blood on the walls and make spooky woohoo noises and threw a box and made it cold in here. What else do you want?

HUDSON (as Albert): Well, if you know anything about ghosts, you’d know that they’re going to have a personalized message to you, something that tugs at the heartstrings but in a spooky way.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait, I thought that was the “leave now” in blood.

HUDSON (as Albert): Nah, not personal enough.

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t know, I feel like the blood is pretty personal seeing how it came from a person.

HUDSON (as Albert): No, no-no-no, you need like a personal artifact. See, this watch was passed down through my families through multiple generations.

LILIT (as Joe): yeah, we’ve all fucking seen your pocket watch.

HUDSON (as Albert): I’m saying, if they were to fuck around with my pocket watch—

HUDSON: I open the pocket watch and I see the message.

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers] My pocket watch, it says “yours forever,” but someone, something… now it says “your soul is mine forever.”

LILIT (as Joe): That’s a ghost! See, it’s that personalized message to indicate that the ghost is directly trying to get us!

HUDSON (as Albert): Ghost watch! Ahh!

HUDSON: And I stomp it on the ground, just crack the watch into a million pieces.

LILIT (as Joe): We got any salt? I think we’re supposed to throw it in a circle or something!

HUDSON (as Albert): No-no, behind your shoulder.

LILIT (as Joe): Ah! Rockthrower, find the salt! You can throw it around better. You’re the best thrower out of all of us.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): On it!

LILIT (as Joe): I love selling drugs, and trafficking people, and doing all sorts of other terrible illegal activities, but not if I’m gonna get stabbed by a ghost!

HUDSON (as Albert): Rockthrower, are you petrified?

CAMERON: Rockthrower runs back into the room holding a canister of the Morton’s sea salt, has the thing open and is just waving it around in the air in circles around her head running around the room.

NICK: It gets in Zol’s eye.

NICK (as Zol): Agh! Watch where you throw that stuff. I’m not the ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s the curse of the ghost!

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): but you’re safe now!

LILIT (as Joe): Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not gonna stay here no more.

NICK: So we cut to outside. Xianna and Tink and Karma and HK are back behind the dumpster where they can get a good view of the garage. Karma has run back around and slid back into cover after cutting the phone line. We see Big Joe run out the front door. This small Chadra-Fan with a scary scar over one eye with no weapons, just running with his hands above his head, runs deeper into the Coruscanti night away from the garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got ‘em!

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I am a little surprised that worked on even a single member.

HUDSON (as Tink): Might have to be more convincing for the rest of them.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think if we give it a few more moments the rest of them will also leave.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my reverend persona ready if they don’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can make more spooky ghost sounds. We know some of their names now so we can use that.

CAMERON: From the vents you hear:

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers, frightened] What is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): Tell me what you waaant!

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Your soul~

HUDSON (as Albert): No! No-no-no! You don’t need that. I need that. You don’t need that at all. I definitely need that! Okay. Okay. Ugh. I don’t know why, Rockthrower, this is your fault.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): [indignant] What?!

HUDSON (as Albert): And I’m getting out of here. It’s your fault! You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): How?!

HUDSON (as Albert): You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): What?! No I do not.

HUDSON (as Albert): Why are they here then?

NICK: Albert breaks and runs for the front door, and we cut outside to seeing this Human with a bowl cut running the same direction as Big Joe, and he’s yelling “it’s all Rockthrower’s fault!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: As he runs deeper into the Coruscant night.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you, it is working. We have to just let it simmer and marinate and have time to develop.

CAMERON: Rockthrower sets the salt container on a table.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I’m just gonna go catch them… and I’ll bring them back.

NICK (as Zol): You’re coming back, right?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Oh definitely, yeah. Yeah. I’m just gonna go—I have to go get them.

NICK (as Zol): It would be so embarrassing if my three top lieutenants were to leave because of this ghost situation.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Of course! Yeah, no, totally not gonna happen, boss. Definitely will be right back. Just as soon as I get Albert and Joe we’ll be right back.

[someone makes ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Yeah… later!

NICK: Zol jumps and looks at the vents where the noise is coming from.

NICK (as Zol): This is getting out of hand.

NICK: And we see Rockthrower kick open the front door and yell “wait for me” and go running off into the night as well.

LILIT: Xianna does a little fist pump into the air.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Ah-ha! I told you. We got three of them to leave. The ghost plan is incredibly effective.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 23 Let’s Get A Caf

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 23:
Let’s Get A Caf

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

The only announcement I have for this week is: I want to say that Keyna, the Fosh jizz singer from last episode, is a patron-created NPC. Agent Sid, thank you for your long-time support of the show and for making such a fun character for us to play with. We will be seeing Keyna again soon, and we’re all very excited.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 23! Really moving right along at a fancy clip at this point. Thanks for sticking with us. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello, I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Nice. So it’s three light side, one dark side?


NICK: Perfect. When we last left off, you were all sitting on a curb eating pizza cones having figured out where the gang, the Kemslingers, are located. But that was last night. This morning the sun is rising over a smoggy Coruscant. Karma, you’ve gotten up especially early for your meeting with Keer who you haven’t seen since you were 16. What does your morning routine look like, and has anything changed on account of this meetup?

[peaceful morning music begins]

CAMERON: I think the only real thing that’s changed is that Karma doesn’t arm herself quite so heavily as she normally would. But, she gets up… I feel like Karma’s the type of person to do some stretches right when she’s waking up, kinda get limber for the day. Take a shower. Brush her head tails?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Get dressed, just her standard every-day armor, and then probably just does all of the smaller weapons and doesn’t take the carbine and the sword.

NICK: Okay, so you have between three and seven pistols currently.


NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then dramatically ties the headband on and is ready to go out into the world.

[peaceful music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, you had a long night including a speed-run through several bars collecting data. What does your early morning look like?

LILIT: At the moment Xianna is nowhere to be found on the ship, just silent, like a ghost. Not like the ghost in Sabos’s room though, that ghost is quite loud. Xianna is not missing, just nowhere to be seen.

[peaceful music returns]

NICK: So we see a shot of Xianna’s room. The bed is unmade, but it’s quiet. There’s no one there. Tink, it’s bright and early, and the crew has no definite plans until at least this afternoon when you plan to attack the hideout of the Kemslingers. What are you up to?

HUDSON: In the morning, and my alarm goes off, it’s the sound of a rooster that then breaks down into a guitar solo.

[peaceful music is interrupted by rooster crowing and replaced by rock music]

As that happens, automatically the lights in the room slowly come on like a sunrise.

[peaceful morning music returns]

I get up and I stretch my arms and I yawn, and I walk over to go get some… water for breakfast.

NICK: As you leave your quarters you run into Karma who is on her way out of the ship. The landing ramp has just been lowered.

[peaceful music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, it’s your special day~ … -te.

CAMERON (as Karma): No… No.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not a special daaate?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. We discussed this last night, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): You can’t tell love when to find you. It’ll just find you.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like I can tell love not to find me, though, in particular instances.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love is a sneaky mistress.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good luck with your… meeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you… Have a good morning.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks.

NICK: We see Karma walk down the landing ramp and the ship closes, and Tink, you have the ship to yourself. We cut ahead to Karma approaching the coffee shop. The sun has brightened, but it still struggles to pierce the smog. You’re on a high enough city level where you can see the open sky and are near to an air cleaning tower which causes the nearby area to be more humid than normal for Coruscant. You can see why Keer likes this place. What do you think the coffee shop looks like? Is it large, busy, tucked out of the way?

CAMERON: Probably if it is a chain it’s like a small local family… like it may have multiple locations, but isn’t like a big corporate chain stretching over the galaxy. I think their goal with this coffee shop was just to make it as cozy and comfortable as possible so that you just never leave and just keep drinking coffee for forever. So lots of squishy booths, really comfy-looking chairs with really fancy big backs, probably some swing chairs on the patio.

NICK: You enter the coffee shop and the door rings a cheerful bell. There aren’t very many people here. This place has only been open for a little while. Behind the counter you can see several espresso machines and caf makers, and there’s two Devaronians, a man and a woman, making coffee and in between them making the more fancy lattes and things is a Herglic who takes up a large amount of the real estate. The Herglic waves you in and gives the general gesture for “take a seat wherever you like.”

CAMERON: Karma goes to probably a table that is one of the booths and sits on the side where she is facing the door. It’s probably towards the back of the restaurant.

NICK: Okay. The Herglic walks over and says:

NICK (as Herglic): Normally you would have to order up at the counter, but you’re the only one here right now, so… what can I get you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Could I just have a plain cup of caf, please?

NICK (as Herglic): Yep, absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks.

NICK: So we get a scene of Karma sitting there at this table. She gets her coffee, and it’s quiet, and some people come and go. It’s got that nice comfortable coffee shop murmur. What is Karma thinking about right now? How does she look?

CAMERON: So, probably to anyone who doesn’t know her, probably just looks bored and like she’s waiting for someone. People who know Karma will recognize the small alterations in her gestures and behavior that means that she is stressed, but it’s in a calm way. We’re not panicking, but there’s a lot going on in her head. She’s sitting there, got the caf on one side, sipping it occasionally, has her data pad out, swiping through family photos, and then will occasionally set the tablet down and just hold both hands around the caf mug. Just kind of alternating between those three activities.

NICK: You’re looking through the tablet when the door jingles. I think every time the door opens you look up kind of nervously. And in comes Keer. He looks very familiar. He looks different than he did last night, more formal. He’s wearing his uniform, his head tentacles are tied back, and he smiles brightly at you as he walks over and he slides in.

NICK (as Keer): So, what are you drinking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Caf? Just caf.

NICK (as Keer): Just plain caf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Okay. I think I’ll have one of the same.

NICK: And he gets up and heads to the counter to order. We’re gonna jump back to the ship. Tink, what are you up to on the Afternoon Delight? Xianna is nowhere to be found. Karma is off on a special meeting. You have the ship pretty much to yourself except for HK, and he mostly leaves you alone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, I have the ship to myself…

HUDSON: I rip out a fart.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [makes a long fart sound]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… that was good. Alright, what do I do now? Oh, it’s Monday!

HUDSON: Tink walks over to a TV screen in his room and he lays out his mat and he sits crisscross and hits the remote to turn on the TV. It’s his weekly yoga session. He does it to keep his pelvic floor firm and strong.

CAMERON: [snickers]

[meditation music begins]

NICK (as TV): Hello, and welcome to Galactic Yoga with Pearl Sinestra.

NICK: We see a very long and lanky alien with multiple arms that you haven’t seen anything like it except for this particular program, and her arms are waving like kelp frons in the ocean.

NICK (as Pearl): Are you ready to strengthen your internal muscles and your spirit?

NICK: There’s a long pause while she waits for the audience that she can’t hear, because she’s on TV, to respond.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes… I am.

HUDSON: I take a deep breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): [big raspy inhale]

NICK (as Pearl): That’s great. We’re going to start with one-handed handstands. Please prepare, and make sure you have a crash mat nearby in case you lose consciousness.

NICK: And the music starts to pick up, and we’re gonna cut away from Extreme Spiritual Yoga to Karma again at the coffee shop.

[meditation music ends]

Keer is stirring his coffee and fidgeting. You all have been making small talk for a few minutes.

NICK (as Keer): So… how’s life? We haven’t seen each other in so long. I was hoping to catch up a little. What have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so… like I said last night, I’m a bounty hunter, so doing a lot of bounty hunting. I got a crew that I’ve been traveling with for a while now.

NICK (as Keer): Hunting bounties?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, in our free time, yeah.

NICK (as Keer): So what has the crew been working on? Are you in shipping? Are you in transportation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… let’s say treasure hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, that’s interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s probably the best descriptor I’m gonna be able to come up with. Treasure hunting with a side of bounty hunting if they happen to be near treasure.

NICK (as Keer): Soldier of fortune type. That’s pretty cool. That’s extremely cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. It’s been fun. It’s interesting. It keeps me on my toes.

NICK (as Keer): So how long have you been doing this? Last I saw you, you were working at security.

CAMERON (as Karma): This meaning bounty hunting or this meaning the treasure hunting, bounty hunting combo?

NICK (as Keer): Both really. I’m just interested to hear what’s happened since we parted ways.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the treasure hunting slash bounty hunting combo… about a year?

NICK (as Keer): Sounds like a pretty long employment, but when did you start bounty hunting in general?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so I started apprenticing about 10-11 months after the last time I saw you, I guess. A year-ish. So, started my apprenticeship when I was 17? So a good long while, on the bounty hunting front.

NICK (as Keer): Seems… a little hypocritical of me, I guess, to say that that’s a dangerous job considering I’m in security for the senator. Ugh, whoops, “former” senator. The Senate’s not really a thing anymore, but they don’t like me to call them anything else. They’re still important, you know, since the Senate’s been abolished.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): But seems like a dangerous thing that you’re doing. What made you decide to become a bounty hunter? You had your whole career in front of you. You could have done anything. What put you down that path?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so during my security internship I realized that I was good with a lot of the more weaponry and physical combat areas of the security job, so bounty hunting uses a lot of those same skillsets. I don’t know, it seemed a lot more flexible and freeing and independent, I guess. I felt like I had a lot more control. I could accept the jobs that I wanted. I could decide not to take a job for a while. If I had gone into security that’s not really an option of just “I don’t feel like protecting someone today,” so I needed that flexibility and the freedom there.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that makes sense. You’re pretty independent. That became pretty clear when you never talked to me again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, that summer kind of ended with you saying “hey, it’s been great, you’re cool… hopefully we can stay friends,” which kind of felt like a dismissal, so I kinda just went with it.

NICK (as Keer): I don’t rem—Ugh, maybe I did say something like that. Look, you were smart, you’re still smart, and capable, and impressive. You’re out flying a ship with these terrifyingly competent mercenaries. I didn’t think you wanted to have anything to do with me, so I just gave you an out.

CAMERON (as Karma): It felt very much like a shove out, so…

NICK: We see Keer stirring his coffee faster. He’s only really had one sip of coffee, but he’s still jittery. It looks like he had coffee before he ever even got here. He takes a deep sip to buy himself some time, and we cut back to Tink, the terrifyingly competent mercenary. What ridiculous pose is he in for his internally spiritual yoga?

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel.

NICK: What does that look like? [laughs]

[meditation music returns]

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel is when you have one leg behind your head, dealer’s choice, and you’re trying to rotate slowly while humming to yourself with one hand. You have one leg behind your head for a challenge, the other leg is out for balance, and you’re on one hand spinning onto yourself while humming to yourself.

NICK: The yogi that’s on screen with her multiple arms and willowy frame makes it look really easy. Tink, you have, what, 5 points in Melee?


NICK: So you’re really strong and coordinated, so you’re able to do it, but it looks much more like a feat of athleticism from you, because it is. HK hits a button without announcing himself and your door slides open to show you in this pose.

[meditation music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, who has done this to you? You appear to be in distress.

HUDSON (as Tink): No HK, this is just yoga. It’s supposed to be relaxing.

NICK (as HK): Yoga is a fearsome foe. Where are they? I will strike them down.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, it’s a type of movement. It’s a type of sensual being with one’s self.

NICK: On that note we cut back to Karma. You two have been sitting there in awkward silence, and Keer says:

NICK (as Keer): Okay, so that’s on me, but you could have reached out if you wanted to keep in touch. I gotta say, I’m disappointed.

CAMERON (as Karma): So can we just agree that sometimes teenagers make stupid decisions?

NICK (as Keer): [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): In retrospect.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): And maybe don’t think things through entirely.

NICK (as Keer): I know I wasn’t thinking a lot of things through, but… after I saw you last night I just couldn’t help but think what if we had stayed in touch. You ever think about that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Life would have been very different.

NICK: Karma is looking into the distance and Keer kind of latches onto that.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, so you know, I worked for Luck for a really long time before she retired. She didn’t talk about it very much, because you know her, her professional life was very separated from her personal life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): She has grandkids.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes she does.

NICK (as Keer): And I know they’re not just Kismet’s, because I’ve met her. Your… husband must be very lucky.

CAMERON (as Karma): No husband, actually.

NICK (as Keer): Oh… Oh, okay. Cool. Uh… how are your kids? How old are they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Twenty-two.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two… No, that can’t—That can’t be right. That would put you as having had them when you were like 16.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. That would be accurate. So, good job, math. Yes. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Like around the time that we were together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, after that.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Uh… I guess I’m surprised to hear that you found somebody so soon after we were together. I mean, I know it was kinda like an internship fling, but… it felt special at the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I never said I found someone else after that…

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight to HK and Tink both in ridiculous poses in front of the TV.

[meditation music returns]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I do not understand the benefit of these positions. They are straining my joints.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you had blood you’d understand that blood flow has a lot to do with health.

NICK (as HK): Tink, we both know that I have been trying very hard to collect blood for myself, and I don’t appreciate you rubbing it in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know that’s a sensitive subject. I’m just saying, you wouldn’t understand, and I think we’re going into the downturn of this session. I think it’s about over.

NICK: HK is balanced on one hand and one foot and slowly shifts and then falls with a clank, and then stands up very quickly. Kind of like a cat pretending that nothing bad just happened.

NICK (as HK): I do not understand this yoga.

LILIT: Outside the door in the hallway you hear a:

LILIT (as Xianna): Well of course, HK, you can’t do the yoga. You do not have muscles and regular joints and stuff. It does not work for you.

LILIT: And the camera pans out into the hallway, into the lounge area, focuses onto the hot tub with its cover, and it zooms in through the cover of the hot tub, and we see Xianna is sleeping in a very large inner tube that is almost as big as the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds begin]

The hot tub is running. She has the same shudder shades and beaded necklaces as last night. She now has a Bride to Be sash as while there are some remnants of the pizza cone on the coat that somehow have not washed off into the hot tub. Creamsicle is resting on top of Xianna’s head, every so often scampering down, picking up some crumbs of the pizza cone and running back to nibble on them.

[bubbling sounds end]

NICK: [laughs] HK runs out of Tink’s quarters and to the hot tub and speaks through the lid that is closed.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user Xianna, you appear to be trapped within. Do you need assistance?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I do not think I need assistance. I did this to myself. I can get myself out of it.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

NICK: And HK walks away and seems to move towards a corner for some sort of charging, or maybe he’s just staring at a wall. It’s hard to tell.

HUDSON: Tink walks out of the room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, what are you—Oh! Okay Xianna, I’m not saying this is you, but I just stepped in someone’s pile of vomit that’s right by the hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we both know that I do not throw up like that. I have been in here the whole time. I am so pruney. I am just wrinkles from head to toe. It is unbelievable how pruney I am, because I have been in here so long. That is your vomit.


HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it’s mine either. Who was—HK?

NICK (as HK): Sarcastic Agreement: Yes. I, the droid, threw up organically, like you weak organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK… HK… You must do something for me. You must go onto the ship’s security cameras and play back the footage from last night and see who did the throw up.

NICK (as HK): This seems like an extremely valid use of my time. I will return and report momentarily.

NICK: And HK stalks out of the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK~

NICK: He is clearly stomping and gives a dismissive wave without looking behind him, which you can’t see because you are locked in a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I cannot see HK, but was he giving me a look? It just sounded like he was giving me a look.

HUDSON (as Tink): He gave quite a look, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

NICK: So we cut back to Karma and Keer at the coffee shop, and the coffee has stopped steaming and has been shoved away from Keer, and he’s staring at Karma.

NICK (as Keer): I feel like we’ve been talking around this, and… I would really like to hear you explain what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, I have twin sons who are 22, and you were the only one that I dated that year.

NICK (as Keer): [deep breath]

CAMERON (as Karma): Remember what I said about teenagers being stupid and making choices?

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. I don’t think you get to necessarily blame teenagers when it’s been, uh, 22 years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I’m 100% blaming 16 year old me.

NICK (as Keer): For what?

CAMERON (as Karma): For making the decision that then just continued to get hard and harder and just progressively more difficult to reverse as time went by.

NICK (as Keer): I’m just gonna come out and say it. So the decision was that we—you had kids, I’m the father, and you decided to never tell me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so 16 year old me mostly decided just to never see you again so it would never come up.

NICK (as Keer): But then we saw each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, and it’s coming up.

NICK (as Keer): [laughs uneasily] Phew… this is a lot to take in. Can I see what they look like…? Do you have a picture?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the data pad that was sitting right next to her, presses the button to turn it back on, and it’s on a photo of Karma, Jet and Juke at the most recent Life Day celebration at the Nailo household, and turns it around and slides it across the table towards him.

NICK (as Keer): Oh wow, they’re fully grown. They’re adults. He looks just like you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we get that a lot. The other one looks just like you.

NICK (as Keer): You think so?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): This is a lot to take in. So, did you start bounty hunting to provide for these kids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): And, and… they’re okay? Things are okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, they’re super. They’re both bounty hunters now. It’s kind of a family thing at this point. But yeah, they’re fantastic kids. So, the one on the left is Jet and the one on the right is Juke.

NICK: How is Karma feeling right now?

CAMERON: So this is a conversation that Karma’s known that she needed to have for like 21 years at this point, but it never happened, obviously, before this. But she has been through every possible scenario for how this conversation plays out in her head, probably multiple times at this point.

If we’re going through the flowchart of how the conversation’s going we are currently on the more positive-trending side of the chart, so not as concerned as she could be with how he’s taking it. He seems… He’s taking it at least at a level pace. So, happy about that but also very much hating that this conversation is happening right now.

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight. HK is standing in front of the security feed. Tink, did you go with him or are you still by the hot tub?

HUDSON: I don’t think I went with him. I’m still by the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. He’s standing in front of the small booth where all the security feeds run, and we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight come home after their adventure, and see Xianna step back out of her quarters, still dressed for partying, and leave the ship again without anyone noticing. HK fast-forwards some more until the landing ramp goes down and then presses a button and ejects a holo cube. He says…

NICK (as HK): I think I have discovered what happened.

NICK: …and walks back to the hot tub room and slots the holo cube into a projector which starts to fill the room with what happened when Xianna returned.

LILIT: On this grainy footage we see Xianna stumble in. Xianna now has a gigantic veil, just this huge poofy white and gold veil and a big sash that says Bride to Be, and is stumbling in. Does the video have sound or not?

NICK: Yeah, I think so.

LILIT: And she shouts, off-camera:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie everybody~! It is party time!

[rave music begins]

LILIT: And she claps, and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling, and neon lights start flashing, and the sound system turns on to just a banger of a dance number, and a stream of people come pouring into this room. At least a dozen other people all wearing bridesmaid sashes. There’s somehow three maids of honor and two best men.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: There’s a whole bunch of other people that do not have sashes either, just at least three dozen people are now crammed in this room partying. One of them is dressed as a clown for some reason, and they are having a grand old time. Somebody brings in a keg, and this continues for quite some time. The tape fast-forwards through just this generic partying until it begins to wind down a little bit, and people are kind of one-by-one leaving the party.

At some point the hot tub had been opened up and people were splashing around in the hot tub, having a great time in there. Someone introduces a pool floaty and inflates it up and throws it into the hot tub. Creamsicle is riding it around for a while as it jostles in the jets of the tub, and as there’s only a few people left Xianna gets into the tub, gets into the ring, picks up Creamsicle and sets her on top of herself, and apparently falls asleep since she kind of stops moving and just slowly spins in a circle as the jets push the tube.

The person dressed as a clown comes over to the hot tub and just throws up all over the floor, into the shag carpeting, everything. Takes a few steps back, looks at it, looks around the room and sees that nobody else was looking, and just leaves. The last people to leave press a button on the wall that turns off the light, retracts the disco ball, shuts off the sound system, and raises the cover back over the Jacuzzi.

[rave music ends]

NICK: Then we see fast-forward of the dark room for quite a while and then we see HK run into the room and we are pretty much caught up back to the present as HK turns the projector off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. HK, Tink, there was a clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, I recognize that clown. It’s one of the more popular clowns in this part of the galaxy. It’s Pinkie.

LILIT (as Xianna): What do you mean? Pinkie the clown? I don’t remember that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Somehow you got a top-tier clown artist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure that was the right clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. They also double as a magician. They’re Pankie the magician. It’s weird.

[a cat meows loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. They have a different stage name from when they are a clown and when they are a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I mean, it’s two different personas. You would want different names, wouldn’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait-wait-wait, so it is not the same stage show? It is two different performances on two different nights? Or do you mean it’s like an afternoon matinee performance and then an evening performance?

HUDSON (as Tink): It depends on the gig. I mean, you got him in here. Maybe you have connections now. Look at your phone. Do you have Pinkie in your phone?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have my coms with me.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, we cannot continue this conversation with the lid of a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t see why not. It is perfectly fine. It is dark and warm in here. It is very comforting. But if you insist, you may release me from the hot tub.

NICK: HK presses a button and the hot tub lid slides back revealing Xianna and Creamsicle.

LILIT: A just massive puff of steam releases when the cover is opened up and you can see that the jets have been on this whole time. Creamsicle is entirely wet, just fur slicked down with water.

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Okay… I should maybe get out of the hot tub.

NICK: [smiling] And we jump back to the coffee shop.

NICK (as Keer): So I’m a dad, I guess, right?

CAMERON: Karma’s just kind of like doing shallow nods, kinda just constantly.

NICK (as Keer): You understand this is a lot to take in… You kinda made my decision for me on if I was gonna be around. You know I would have helped. Like, whatever happened between us that’s something I would have done.

CAMERON (as Karma): So me, adult me, now, yes? But let me walk you through 16 year old Karma’s reasoning here.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, that sounds good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That now I’ve been dealing with. So, my internship ended. The last conversation we had seemed very much like a dismissal and a termination of that relationship.

So several months later when I found out that I was pregnant, didn’t reach out at that point probably mostly due to hurt, I think? It transformed probably within those first few weeks after I found out to not wanting to tell you as, I don’t know, some sort of retribution for you hurting my feelings by seemingly just breaking up with me and saying goodbye, and that “hey, it’s been fun,” and just making me not feel… relationship worthy? Worthy of an internship fling, but nothing of a continuation past that point. Not worth keeping up long-distance.

Then, from there, morphed into a determination that I didn’t need help and I could do it myself. I think that was mostly in response to the hurt feelings, me deciding that I could have this kid—and then it turned into kids—on my own, and I didn’t need you to be successful there? And then it kind of stayed in that determined independence phase for a good long while.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well no, not that whole time. I’d say we were probably in that phase of thinking for three years or so, so until they were about two and a half.

So I had started bounty hunting, was still very much set on the being able to do everything myself, which wasn’t true. I had fantastic family support, and my dad and Kismet watched the boys whenever I’d go out on a job, so I wasn’t quite as there as I thought I was. But after that point, started to realize that I probably should tell you. Kept putting it off, because… how do you start this conversation?

By the time I decided that I needed to tell you the twins were like four or five and at that point I’d been keeping the secret for that long, so then just kept putting it off, and then at that point it was like well, they’ve grown up… [chuckles] It was just always easier to just avoid this situation.

NICK (as Keer): What if I hadn’t asked you to get coffee? Would you not have told me?

CAMERON (as Karma): I would have.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that’s reassuring.

CAMERON (as Karma): The thing that was really allowing my continuation of avoidance behavior is that I hadn’t seen you.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I could excuse it away, that the opportunity just hadn’t come up.

NICK (as Keer): And we just happened to run into each other. That’s… well. [exhales] Do they know about me?

CAMERON (as Karma): They know that their father was someone who I saw during my internship.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm. Can I meet them…?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s a conversation I have to have with them first.

NICK (as Keer): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re adults, they can make their own decisions, but I need them to have the information to be able to make those decisions with the full knowledge of everything.

NICK (as Keer): Well, you have my com number now. I gave it to you yesterday. I hope you’ll pass it along to them, and I hope they want to reach out. I would really like to meet them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I don’t know when the next time I’ll see them is, but… when I do I will talk to them.

NICK (as Keer): You’re not gonna wait 22 years?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, waiting until they are 44 seems nice. Good round number.

NICK (as Keer): Karma. Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm?

NICK (as Keer): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m obviously joking.

NICK (as Keer): I know, it’s just… this is a lot, okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): I know. I’m trying to lighten the mood.

NICK (as Keer): It kind of worked. This is… you know, even with all this, it has been really good to see you, but I gotta go. If you’re still in town in a few days maybe give me a call. I’m gonna get out of here.

NICK: He tosses some credits on the table and stands to leave.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: The next thing that we see is Karma boarding the ship. What scene does she see as she comes into the main part of the ship? What are Xianna and Tink and HK doing? [chuckles]

HUDSON: I’m a little bit peeved and making a lot of really wide-ranging gestures at Xianna for throwing a party on our ship while I was sleeping and causing a mess in the shag carpeting.

LILIT: Xianna is currently in the large stand-in hair dryer drying off since she had spent an entire evening in a hot tub and is holding Creamsicle in the bust of her jacket with her hands earmuffed over Creamsicle’s ears so it’s not too loud, and you can just hear over the roar of the dryer Xianna screaming.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear you, Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t you act like you can’t hear me!

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear what you are saying at all! The hair dryer, it is too loud! I have to stay in here until I get not pruney! I can’t hear you!

HUDSON (as Tink): Nothing but excuses from you. Ugh!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not my fault! I have no idea what you are saying, but if you are mad at me about the throw up, remember that I didn’t do it, the clown did!

NICK: Xianna, your lekku are blowing in the dryer up above your head and HK is standing near the onramp as Karma walks in.

NICK (as HK): Karma, I am glad to see you. There has been an incident on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what incident?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t step in it. That incident.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s a pile of vomit over here from an unauthorized, unofficial bachelorette—I don’t know, some type of wedding-related party that came onto our ship that Xianna proctored.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK should be the one who cleans it up, because if you think about it he let me have the party by not keeping tabs on everybody!

HUDSON (as Tink): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): He should have been out on patrol!

NICK: HK makes a frustrated and confused gesture between Xianna and karma and Tink and then throws his hands up and stalks out of the room again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or you can go find the clown! If you find the clown you can make him clean it up!

NICK: On the way out, HK punches the button that turns off the dryer and it sinks back into the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I am still inside the dryer! [becoming muffled] Do not put me up again, that has already happened!


NICK: Does anyone release Xianna?

HUDSON: I go over and release Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink. We would have been trapped in there for a while. So anyways, um… somebody will clean that up. Karma, how did your date with your baby daddy go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, how’d your date go?

CAMERON (as Karma): It was about as awkward as one might imagine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am assuming he did not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just based on everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, big oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed, big oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): Biggest of oofs. But I mean, it went well. Nobody got stabbed, right? Or did you stab?

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re not bleeding.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. No one got stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good. Good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a very positive way to think about it. I’m going to think about it like that now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Any important conversation you have with another person where nobody gets stabbed is good, or even an attempted stabbing. I’m not saying that I have attempted to stab people during conversations, just… it happens, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, it’s kind of a shot in the dark here, but uh… did he understand why you waited so many years to tell him?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Obviously not.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. It was just a slight hope there, not a big chance but I had to ask.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… no, I mean, I explained the stupid decisions that stupid teenagers are prone to make, and then how fixing those decisions just becomes more and more awkward as more time passes… and just not fixing it is the much simpler solution.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes, life lessons for all.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that is the correct life lesson, because that is what I would have said.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I feel like I should not be giving the life lessons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, would  not recommend.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am currently doing that to like at least three people, so… I feel like everybody else should know better.

CAMERON (as Karma): People who don’t know that you have kids with them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I have no kids with nobody.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And nobody has kids with me. Just, I mean like, having important conversations I should be having with people, telling them important things, but just not. Just not ever calling them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like your tax attorney.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have a tax attorney.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not anymore. You stopped calling them.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): And technically she’s dead, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I am technically dead and I have never paid taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would I have a tax attorney?

HUDSON (as Tink): Good point. Good point. Well, I’m glad that you’re alive, neutral to sad that it didn’t go as great as it could have, but I’m happy that you’re okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly do think it went about as well as it could have.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! Celebration popsicles then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. First we will have the popsicles, and then after that we go kill the Kemslingers, okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, them.

CAMERON (as Karma): That will take off some tension. That will make me feel better.

NICK: [laughs] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 22:
And All That Jizz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Stealth Suit Stanley for your review. Thank you for the kind words. It is really good to hear when people enjoy the show.

We also have a new patron to thank. Donald A. Fowler, thank you so much for supporting the show. If you could help us out with something, Falx seems to have wandered off and we get worried when we don’t know what he’s up to. Please track him down for us. I’ll give you some advice. If you sing “dun da-na-na na,” he absolutely can’t resist finishing with “dun-dun!”

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 22. A beautiful night in the Star Wars universe. Welcome to… this adventure. Hello. … We’re all fine here. How are you?

HUDSON: … Who are you talking to?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The audience.


CAMERON: Okay, cool.

NICK: Uh, anyway…

LILIT: He’s talking to the cats.

CAMERON: Are you waiting for them to answer?

NICK: Yeah, like… [stammers] Can you point to the map on where the next adventure is?

CAMERON: [laughing] I was about to say, it’s like Dora the Explorer. “Can you say map?”

NICK: [grinning] I’m your host and game master, Nick!

CAMERON: Good job!

NICK: Thank you.


NICK: Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: [higher pitched] Hi, I’m Fry, and I’m gonna try and eat all the equipment on the sound board.


LILIT: Chew on the little knobs and bat the dice around and get them under the doors and into the vents. You’ll never see them again~

NICK: Fry, put Lilit back on the microphone.

LILIT: Hi, I’m Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Thank you Lilit for setting Fry back on the ground. That had me nervous for a second.

LILIT: Yeah, you know, he was so high up in the air and he’s wiggly. He can really get away from you pretty fast.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] Aiming for those knobs.

LILIT: But it was a very smooth transition there.

NICK: Mm-hmm! Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: [doing the voice] Ha-ho! I’m Mickey Mouse! [mumbles] . Ha-ho!


HUDSON: I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. So, before we start with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: Two light side!

CAMERON: [gasps]

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: That was pretty good. When we last left off you all got pizza, Xianna and Nolaa made out in a bathroom, you learned where a piece of the Shattered Force was—the Space Breaker, and you found out that it was being held by a Fosh that is a jizz singer named Keyna and were given the address of the Blue Bantha jizz club. Small side note, jizz is jazz in Star Wars. Just reminding everyone, when I say jizz think the word jazz and nothing else.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do wish that this was a visual medium so that I could put a little jizz counter in the bottom of a corner and it could ring up every time we say jizz in this episode!

CAMERON: If you’re hanging out in the new episode chat on our Discord right now, please tell us how many times jizz is said in this episode. [laughs]

NICK: That’s very good.


HUDSON: Nick, when is HK gonna do a solo of the famous Chicago song ‘And All That Jizz’?

NICK: HK already did. It actually happened before we started recording.



NICK: So it’s one of the lost files, unfortunately.

LILIT: We weren’t invited to that. We’re not cool enough.

CAMERON: [laughing] It was just Nick sitting in a room by himself singing in the HK voice.

NICK: With the vocoder on. So, with that wonderful image, let’s get into it.

The Blue Bantha jizz club – it’s cutting-edge, fashionable, and nostalgic all at the same time. We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight as they stand in the entrance to the club. The light is low and blue. There is a bar on each side of the room which seats over 50 beings but still gives the impression of being close and homey.

Everybody tell me one thing about the Blue Bantha that sets it apart.

[smooth electronic jazz begins]

CAMERON: In the entryway to the club there is a rather large fountain that has a bantha as the statue in the center of it, and it’s doing the typical cherub pose where the water is coming out of the hands of the bantha. That’s not how banthas stand, but that’s how this one stands. And it is of course in blue marble.

NICK: The interesting thing is it looks like a cheap statue, like this was installed over a previous sculpture at some point in the recent past. The marble doesn’t really match, which gives less of an elegant look than maybe the designer was going for. That’s great. What else?

HUDSON: There are cage dancers, but they are antigravity cages that kinda float around and twist and turn.

NICK: Cool. Yeah, there’s some Twi’leks and some Humans and—

HUDSON: Herglics.

CAMERON: [pleased] Herglics.

NICK: Yeah, and a couple of Herglics in cages, and they’re dancing to the music that’s playing from a location that you can’t quite see, and it very much adds to the décor.

LILIT: There is a second-story floor that has little semi-private booths, and they have very intricate beaded curtains covering them as sort of a little privacy net.

NICK: Oh, that’s very cool. You can see that there are waiters coming in and out of those private booths with very expensive-looking cocktails serving the more VIP clientele. The spiral staircase in the corner that leads up to that floor has a large bouncer standing in front of it. You would assume that getting up there would be a little difficult but worth it, because the view is impeccable.

[music changes to more energetic party jazz]

As you stand, taking this scene in and looking around for a seat, a spotlight pops up and you notice a small stage against the back of the club. Standing on the stage is a Bith playing a kloo horn. The spotlight splits and you see another Bith on a piano as they begin to dance their fingers along glowing keys. Soon the stage is illuminated to show a full band with drums and a jizz box. The song is frantic, dark and energetic like a fresh cup of caf. The announcer’s voice floats over the music.

NICK (as announcer): Please welcome to our stage, the one, the only, Keyna~!

NICK: You see a Fosh, which is basically like a bird person, with black feathers and dark green accent feathers. Her red eyes set off the sequence on her small stylish hat, and her red-fringed flapper dress sways as she walks to the microphone. Her voice quiets the room: smooth, low and sultry as she sings. Her song is about the need to cut loose, drink, and enjoy yourself, and you can see the business at the bar picks up.

CAMERON: So we knew we were coming to a club. Did we dress to come to a club or are we in our standard outfits?

NICK: You see a mixture of people wearing evening wear and people wearing more practical clothes in the Star Wars universe, so you could get away with either. What do you think? Did y’all change?

HUDSON: I have a top hat.

LILIT: [smiling] A top hat? Okay.

NICK: Nice. Got that out of the ship.

HUDSON: The costume closet.

CAMERON: I think karma changed and has removed a good portion of her arsenal.

NICK: Okay, so you have like a thigh holster with a blaster in it or something?

CAMERON: I have a vibro-knife and a hold out blaster.

NICK: Cool. So what are you wearing?

CAMERON: I have to match Tink’s top hat, so… like a black but with a gold glitter to it sheath dress that has a looser fitting cowl at the top across the chest and has quite a flowy skirt so you can’t tell that she has guns attached to her leg, but is still wearing her normal boots.

NICK: What about Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna would keep her main outfit, however she would switch out the normal black fabric belt on the trench coat for a more decorative gold filigree belt.

NICK: Ooh.

[music fades]

LILIT: Then she also has a Twi’lek headdress that is black with some similar gold embroidery that matches the belt.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve still got the trench coat, you’ve just accented it in a more formal fashion.

LILIT: It is hard to get Xianna out of the trench coat. Eh? But there’s also a wink attached to that.


LILIT: Asterisk, it is hard to get Xianna to wear something other than the trench coat is maybe a more accurate statement. Probably keeping the boots, because the boots are a nice black wedged heel with some rainbow oil snakeskin detailing at the top, so they’re already kind of nice.

NICK: Yeah. So, as this song continues, do you head to the bar, do you split up, do you go to try and grab a table? What is the objective here? The person that you came to see is singing on stage, so you’re not gonna necessarily be able to interrupt that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s find a table.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [stilted] We look for an empty table.

NICK: Yeah. As Tink says “let’s find a table,” you can see that there’s a couple of those chest-high tables without chairs around it where you can set cocktail drinks down. It’s mostly standing room in this club except for the VIP booths up top, but there is empty space both at the bar and at one of those little tables where you could get drinks and enjoy the concert if that’s what you wanna do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Waiter! Waiter? Could I get a Shirley Temple, please?

NICK (as waiter): Absolutely.

NICK: The waiter looks around to see if Karma and Xianna want something as well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Diet Coke, please.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as waiter): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, can I get a Naboo martini please?

NICK (as waiter): Of course.

NICK: The waiter walks off. We get this swinging shot of the waiter walking away as this song is continuing. As the song ends there’s a long round of applause. The waiter unobtrusively slides your drinks onto the table without getting in the way of your view of the stage, and the lighting is moody and makes things look a little more monochrome, and the singer segues into a slow sultry ballad.

[gentle music begins]

Her colored feathers that were accenting her mostly dark plumage shift to a deep purple that complement the lighting, and the spell of the music seems to deepen, but you’re able to still look around and kinda analyze the room, see the scene. Do you listen to the rest of the concert or do you try to get any information or anything?

LILIT: Xianna is absolutely gonna case the joint from the table.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So just peering around for exits, for any windows, windows that seem like they would open, windows that don’t seem like they would open. Where are service entrances? How many floors, how many tables, how many workers? What do the bodyguards look like? How big are the bodyguards? Do they look very buff? Do they  have earpieces? Are they on coms? All of that fun information. I assume that would be Skulduggery.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be hard difficulty, though.

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: Wow, you have a lot in Skulduggery apparently.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do. Four successes.

NICK: So you notice a couple of things. On the surface, this bar looks like kind of a dive, the kind of place where they don’t have a lot of security because there’s not really anything to steal, minus the obvious bouncer by the staircase, but you also see that there are things here that are nicer than that.

As you peer closer you do notice that there’s a few security cameras very unobtrusively tucked into the corners, and you see that some of the patrons of this bar are not really watching the show and they’re not really drinking, they’re watching the crowd. So it seems like there’s some security here that isn’t necessarily dressed like security, and those people all look sharp to you. They look like people who have seen conflict and who are ready to throw down if they have to, and you see the obvious bulge of a couple of blasters in their coat pockets.

You do also note that there’s a side exit and it looks like there’s an exit at the back of the stage that would go to some dressing rooms and things, and you can see the service entrance there as well, so you would be able to make your way backstage pretty easily. The other thing you notice is that the bartenders both avoid part of the area under the bar when they’re making drinks like something is stashed there that’s not alcohol, maybe like a blaster or something.

And, with four successes… this whole floor could turn into a shooting range very easily from those bars. Like, it’s set up to look unobtrusive and relaxed and kind of aged glamor sort of look, a bit of an older and worn out thing, but this place is also set up for good sightlines and defense which is a little surprising.

LILIT: Based on Xianna’s experience with smuggling and thievery and general scoundrelry, does this appear to be a bar that is maybe gang activity or is it they are holding more valuable items somewhere and they want that added security? Or something else?

[music ends]

NICK: This place looks like a front to you.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So not necessarily like they have something valuable. You don’t see anywhere where there would be necessarily a safe or any of the security measures that would be like “this is a treasure room.” What you do see is that these security and everything look like gangsters, essentially. This is a place where an organization meets up and it’s kind of their home base, and you very much identify that very quickly.

LILIT: Wonderful. Xianna does lean in towards everyone at the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, by the way, this is some sort of front for like gang activity or thieves or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ I wonder what’s in the back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we will have to see.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you said it was a front and then I said it was the back. It was a joke…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. I understand it was a joke, it’s just… there is a front and a back.

NICK: The song slowly comes to an end and everyone cheers. You can see Keyna, the singer, make a quick gesture to wherever the MC is up on the second floor, and you hear:

NICK (as announcer): Wasn’t that amazing, folks? Keyna will be back later tonight but will be taking a quick break of the set. Please enjoy our instrumentals.

NICK: Keyna turns and walks backstage. The lighting comes up a little bit and fully lights the stage, and you can see the band starting to play away just some happy cantina music just to keep everybody busy while they drink and talk. It looks like Keyna has gone backstage to rest and may be alone where you could talk to her if you wanted to.

CAMERON: I have a question…

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: …that seems like something that we should’ve asked earlier. Do we have HK with us or is it just the three of us?

NICK: Yeah, HK is there.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s HK’s formal wear?

NICK: HK has a little bowtie on.

LILIT: Beautiful.


CAMERON: Good. Good.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder… do they take requests?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not that kind of club.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do you know it’s not that kind of club?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is just not.

CAMERON (as Karma): What song were you going to request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanted to request an old Fall Out Bay song, Exit to Endor: Love Found on a Beach Week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one, but they would definitely not play it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not that kind of club? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not that kind of club.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, does everybody else see all the secret security?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, I’m pretty aloof.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

LILIT: Is there a cocktail napkin under one of the glasses?

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: What Xianna does is Xianna takes the napkin and holds it next to the glass and, she had ordered a martini, so there’s some sort of fancy little thing on a toothpick, and takes out the toothpick and sort of casually, very surreptitiously, uses the drink to make little dots on the napkin while not looking and talking to the group so that anyone looking by would just think she’s fidgeting or messing with something, and marks where the door is and where the group is, and slides it back over.

LILIT (as Xianna): The dots are the security. You should not look at them directly, they will see you. You are very big and noticeable.

NICK (as HK): And carrying an axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

HUDSON: I look down at my axe.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. It’s, uh… it’s kinda out there. I’m proud of it, but it’s out there, especially in this jizz club.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, for some reason that sounds inappropriate.

LILIT (as Xianna): What, jizz? It is just a type of music.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no, how he was talking about his axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. It did seem a little iffy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just proud of what I got.

LILIT (as Xianna): But is a jizz club the place to show it off?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s continuing.

HUDSON (as Tink): If not at a jizz club, where?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, like a combat situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ren fair?

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a good point. Yes.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you know what they say, it’s not the size of your vibro-axe it’s how you use it, and Tink is quite skilled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, HK knows.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was just suggesting combat situation. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): We think that this could become a combat situation. Security does look quite intense. I agree with secondary user Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, investigation mode, I will do it.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. Uh… I am here to support you, secondary user Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. You are a good friend, HK.

NICK (as HK): And you are a good friend to me, threatening me with changing my brain setup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes indeed. Okie. Do you all want to try to sneak into the back or do you want me to just casually sneak in?

HUDSON (as Tink): I can cause a distraction if needed.

CAMERON (as Karma): What were you thinking for a distraction?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would get up on stage and start singing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that is a great distraction.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a distraction. I will say, that is where the stage door is, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: So there is a stage door to the left of the stage that would lead backstage without getting onto the stage, but yeah, the stage is low enough and informal enough that, Tink, you could get up there without someone being able to probably stop you right away until they figured out what you were doing.


LILIT (as Xianna): You know, if you do that, HK and I can take it from there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Just tell me when. I have a song queued up. I’ll have them hit the lights on me. I haven’t done this in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whenever you want to go, you—

HUDSON: I start walking up there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, are you going to stay out here and watch this?

LILIT: And Xianna gestures broadly towards the stage.

LILIT (as Xianna): This mess? Or are you going to come with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I will come with y’all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Here you go.

LILIT: Xianna, out of seemingly thin air, has procured a drink tray and thrusts it into Karma’s hands.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are going to want to pick up some drinks along the way. Quick-quick we go!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get an overhead shot of people standing at these standing tables and the band is playing. Tink walks close to the stage. The bouncer who’s by the staircase eyes him suspiciously for a second before dismissing him, and Tink is facing away from the stage, and in one quick step just puts his leg back and steps up (whoop), and is suddenly on stage and does a spin and is standing in front of the microphone. The band that was playing peters to a halt and the spotlight snaps on and the lights go down and just spotlights Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi, patrons! I’m… uh, Tron.

NICK (as audience): Woo! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m here—Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, my man. Um… so, I’m here today to play you, to sing you a nice little ditty.

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird~!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s not—

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ditty, but not… that’s not what I’m playing. Okay, I’m just gonna go, okay?

NICK: And one of the Biths that’s behind you, Tink, leans forward. It’s the one that was on the piano.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Hey bro, what are we playing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Ah, Rocket Man.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Oh! Oh yeah, of course, that famous Star Wars song, Rocket Man.


NICK: And the opening chords start.

HUDSON (as Tink): [in a slower spoken word style] She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero, hour 9 AM, and I’m gonna be high… as a kite! By then.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: And we zoom away from that. The entire room is mesmerized by this. Nobody goes to interrupt it. We see Xianna and HK and Karma walking very quickly to take advantage of that distraction towards that back door. As you are walking towards your goal, a Nautolan who seems mesmerized by Tink’s performance bumps into Karma on his way walking the other direction.

Karma, you make a quick moment of eye contact and there’s a lightning bolt of recognition. Xianna, you have a moment to see them knock into each other and they both stop, and he looks familiar to you. You’re not really sure why. You don’t know him, but for some reason he looks familiar. The Nautolan stops and leans in to speak very quickly and says:

NICK (as Nautolan): K-Karma?! It’s been years! How are you?

LILIT: The moment this interaction begins Xianna twirls around and seamlessly picks up the tray away from Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): You seem like you are going to be busy. Okay bye. HK, this is yours now.

NICK: That happens so quickly the Nautolan doesn’t even notice, he so absorbed with Karma.

NICK (as Nautolan): I’m doing really well. I got promoted recently. I’m, ahem, extremely successful. How are you?

CAMERON (as Karma): [performative] I… I am good. Imagine seeing you here… Wow!

CAMERON: They do a hug that is the awkward hug of you’re now 40 and this is someone you dated in high school.

NICK: With that he leans back from the hug.

NICK (as Nautolan): Who would have thought, Keer and karma meeting up back on Coruscant.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m… shocked.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that conversation to Xianna and HK. I think they’ve already slipped into the door. There’s a short hallway and then a very standard wooden door with a gold star on it. You’re standing in front of the room where presumably the singer has gone to rest. Do you just barge in? Do you knock? What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna knocks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. We have a scheduling question!

NICK: The door flies open and you see Keyna, this Fosh singer, and she’s wearing a fluffy bathrobe that’s tied pretty low.

NICK (as Keyna): Look, I’m trying to prepare for the next performance, so you—You don’t work here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not. Okay. HK, you go into the room now. Okay. We are going to come in here and we are going to have a little chat. Okie-dokie?

NICK (as Keyna): Okay. You have my interest.

NICK: She steps out of the way. HK’s already slid in behind her. As you go in I assume you shut the door behind you.

LILIT: Xianna shuts the door and I imagine there’s a fancy vanity that has a large mirror and the ring lighting around it and Xianna goes and just sits on top of that, of course not into the chair, on the vanity, and takes just whatever drink is on HK’s tray and starts sipping on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Keyna, fabulous singer of the Blue Bantha, I—

NICK (as Keyna): Whoa! Who told you it was called the Blue Bantha? This is the Songbird. It hasn’t been the Blue Bantha in months.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there is a Blue Bantha statue…

NICK (as Keyna): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): …and I’m pretty sure one of the napkins had Blue Bantha Jizz Club on it, and when we were given directions we were told it was the Blue Bantha Jizz Club.

NICK (as Keyna): [muttering] Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha… Everyone talks about Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): So what is it called?

NICK (as Keyna): It’s called the Songbird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Keyna): If you want to have this conversation with me, please, call it the Songbird, and I’m Keyna, like you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine then. Keyna, fabulous singer of the Songbird, you recently procured an item, and the problem is that we need it back, or more importantly you bought it from someone who bought it from us who should not have bought it from us, and we need it. So, we can buy it back from you or we can take it back from you.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh…

NICK: You see her facial expression kind of rearrange.

NICK (as Keyna): What exactly did I buy?

LILIT: A moment of blank confusion crosses Xianna’s face. She does a swivel towards HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do you remember the actual name of it? Because, um, I only have an inappropriate nickname to call it.

NICK (as HK): I believe that it was referred to by our… employer as the Space Breaker. It is a crystal rod about a third of a meter long.

LILIT (as Xianna): I believe it is yellow.

NICK: Keyna raises her eyebrows.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh… yeah, I bought that for someone else, actually. It’s funny you should bring that up. You see, you might be able to help me with that, because it got stolen recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Grief. I always hate this. This always happens!

NICK: And we’re gonna jump back to Tink singing on the stage. Where are you at?

HUDSON (as Tink): [energetic and poorly] I think it’s gonna be a long, long time! ‘Til touchdown brings me round again to find. I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no-no-no~!

LILIT (as audience): Woo!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a rocket man!

LILIT (as audience): Yeah! [claps]

HUDSON (as Tink): Rocket man~!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!


NICK: The bouncer is like snapping and really getting into it from where he is by the staircase. No one has gone to stop you, because this performance is so good. The camera swings away from Tink and he fades into the background as we see Karma and this other Nautolan, presumably Keer, having an awkward conversation in the middle of the floor.

CAMERON: So I think we have shifted over to the bar.

NICK: Okay. So you’re at the bar, and he’s leaning on it.

NICK (as Keer): So, um… what have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, lots of bounty hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Okay~

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, I had heard you didn’t end up going into security like your mom or like I did, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. You know, plans change. You don’t always wanna do what you think you do when you’re 16.

NICK (as Keer): [chuckles] That’s what I did. I’ve been in security ever since protecting the senator, you know. Your mom retired recently, and I’m sure she’s having a great time on Glee Anselm, but… did she say who replaced her? Because it was me, actually. I’m now in charge of the senator’s security detail.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well congratulations. I haven’t actually talked to my mom since Life Day, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): …did not get that update, but congrats! You worked a long time to get there. It’s very cool.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. Yeah! It is extremely cool. I like it a lot. Listen, do you wanna, like, get out of here, maybe go somewhere more quiet?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I would love to, but I’m here with him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Roc-ket maaan~!

LILIT (as audience): yeah, rocket man! Yeah~! [claps]

CAMERON (as Karma): So um… I’m here for a while, I think. A few of our other crewmates are here as well, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. You’re not working a job, are you? Operating on Coruscant is kind of touch-and-go legal-wise.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t seen any bounty offices since we got here. We’re just trying to track something down for a friend.

NICK (as Keer): So if you’re busy tonight that’s fine, I understand, but this is kind of a wild happenstance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [tightly] Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): I think we should… We shouldn’t just let this go to waste, right? We haven’t talked since I was, what… 18?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Uh-huh.

NICK (as Keer): It’s been a long time. You okay? You’re looking a little pale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, I’m fine. I think I just drank my Diet Coke too fast.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Hey, listen, there’s a caf place in the district that serves a really nice cup, actually.

NICK: He pulls out a business card and scribbles something on it in pen and hands it to you.

NICK (as Keer): Why don’t we meet there tomorrow, in the morning? Say like 8 AM?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’d love to.

NICK (as Keer): Great! Well, it’s been really good to see you, Karma. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a date!

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK: And he like goes to do a hug then realizes that Karma’s very still and not going to reciprocate and pauses for a second with his arms up, and then drops them, and then holds his hand out for a handshake.

CAMERON: Karma gives him a good handshake.

NICK: They do a very business-like handshake. You can see he’s blushing a little, and he turns and heads towards the door. We’re gonna cut back to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so who do we have to go and steal it from now?

NICK (as Keyna): You know how I blew up about the Blue Bantha thing? The former “owners—”

NICK: She does air quotes.

NICK (as Keyna): —were the ones that named it that. I used to be here a long time ago, and they took it from me, and I finally took it back and renamed it the Songbird, but in the process I may have made some enemies, and these gang members, these drug runners, stole the Space Breaker from me. I was going to give it to someone very important to pay a debt, so it would be great if you could get that back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. One, what is the gang called? What is the gang name?

NICK (as Keyna): They’re called the Kemslingers. They’re a local Coruscanti group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. That is a terrible name. I hate them already. I will steal from them of course. Two, problem: again, I need this.

NICK (as Keyna): Tell you what. I am so tired of them. If you get it back and steal it from them, and if they happen to be disbanded as a group due to excessive fatalities… you can keep it. I’ll pay off my debt to my… I don’t wanna say employer or boss, but she has some dirt on me. I can pay my debt off a different way though.

LILIT: Xianna sets her drink back down on the vanity.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you love murder. This is going to be great. Okay. Thank you, Keyna, for this valuable information. I hope whatever your whole deal here is at the Songbird works out. Whatever you are hiding in the back or selling, whatever it is. Ooh wait, is it drugs?!

NICK (as Keyna): No. No, I never work in drugs, sweetie.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, never mind. Well, disappointments all around. HK, we are going now.

LILIT: And hops down off the vanity and walks back to the door and closes it but pops her head back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, it was lovely talking to you. Goodbye~

NICK (as Keyna): Yes. Remember, the Kemslingers, and uh… no survivors please~

LILIT (as Xianna): We will probably do that, or like 98%. You know, 99.99%.

NICK (as Keyna): That sounds good, sweetie. Thank you.

NICK: And she goes back to powdering her cheeks at her vanity mirror now that you’re not sitting on it anymore. So Xianna, you leave this hallway, you open the door, HK’s right behind you. You bump almost into Karma who is standing at the door about to follow you in. Tink is getting a standing ovation for his first song. You step out of the hallway and shut the door before anyone can see, and you’re standing by the door to the side of the stage, and Tink launches into another rendition of a wonderful and classic hit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, this is another jizz classic.

LILIT (as audience): Yeah~! [claps] Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. Thank you, my man.

LILIT (as audience): Whoa-ho! Yeah~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Aruba. Jamaica. Ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on pretty mamas.

LILIT (as audience): [mumbling along loudly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing it!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!


HUDSON (as Tink): Key Largo. Montego. Baby why don’t we go down to Kokomo!

LILIT (as audience): Kokomo~!

HUDSON: I see Xianna walking away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh! Uh… [rushed] That’s where we wanna go—Johnny, play me off!

HUDSON: I tip my hat and walk off the stage as the band plays me off.

NICK: The piano player is like…

NICK (as pianist): [indignant] My name’s Fino.

NICK: …but starts playing. Dink-a-dink-a-dink. Da-da-da ba-da-bum! And you step off the stage very jazz handsy. The bouncer who was guarding the stairs comes over to you and looks really big and intimidating and then pats you on the shoulder.

NICK (as bouncer): Man, that was some of the best singing we’ve had in this club for a long time. Now don’t tell Keyna I said that, she does own this place, and she’s great, but you just bring a certain inspiration and energy to that stage. I hope that you’ll come back. I really enjoyed myself.

NICK: Then he straightens his security shirt and goes back to standing by the stairs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Come back! Thank you so much for your kind words. Take this guitar pick to remember me by.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as bouncer): You, uh… didn’t play guitar.

HUDSON (as Tink): You didn’t see me play guitar. That’s how good I am. Wanna see me do it again?

NICK (as bouncer): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): [smug] There you go.

NICK (as bouncer): [chuckles] Wow. Fastest guitar player in the galaxy. I’m gonna hang onto this. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. What’s your name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Tron.

NICK (as bouncer): Right, Tron… I’ll remember that. When you’re famous, don’t forget about your time here at the Blue Ban—at the Songbird Jizz Club.

NICK: And he goes back to stand by the staircase. You all are able to meet up at a quiet corner of the bar to make notes and compare stories.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, the space dildo was stolen from Keyna by a gang called the Kemslingers, and if we go kill the gang and all of that so they are no longer operating, we can keep it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Easy enough? I don’t know. Are they dangerous? Do we have any other context on this group?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, she said local gang, so I assume they’re not that bad if they are local.

CAMERON: Karma now has a tablet. Where did it come from? We don’t know. It was somewhere in her dress. And is on the bounty hunter site and is looking up the Kemslingers gang.

NICK: They’re small-time. They do a little bit of drug running. It looks like maybe there’s been some slavery charges that were dropped. But in the grand scheme of things in the galaxy they’re pretty low on the radar. It’s the kind of thing where you could turn them in for a small amount of credits and a thank you, but the local police don’t seem very interested in paying out. The government isn’t putting a large bounty on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): They seem real small-time. We’ve taken on bigger enemies. They’re not worth that much.

NICK: Xianna and Tink, you notice that Karma is acting weird. She seems kind of distracted and uncomfortable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, you’re acting weird. You seem distracted and uncomfortable.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Tink!

LILIT: Xianna kicks him underneath the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Shh. That was- I don’t- … Tink, do you not know how to do math? Like, look at Karma. Look at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, I see her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now look at that man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this the math of love?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is the only math I know how to do.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I always say that. I always joke about not knowing how to do the math, but actually I am pretty okay at doing the math when I need to because of the money and stealing and stuff. I just don’t like it. I need a calculator to help.

HUDSON (as Tink): Understood. Uh, Karma, never mind.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was real smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Do you need to, I don’t know, have an evening with your… friend? Quote, quote.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] No, we’re gonna go get caf tomorrow morning.

LILIT & HUDSON (as Xianna & Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all do not have to make that noise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes we did.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Why?

NICK (as HK): Questioning Statement. Is that a euphemism for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [indignant] Getting caf in the morning? No.

NICK (as HK): The caf in the morning.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it is. It is also a euphemism.

NICK (as HK): Downloading pickup lines. … Hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Hey baby, that’s a pretty cool outfit, it would look even better on my floor. Hey baby—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, make sure you get the one that is “hey baby, I like the ligma.”

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s ligma?

LILIT (as Xianna): Deez nuts!

NICK: [laughs] Shit.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I do not think I understand that pickup line. What do legumes have to do with getting into somebody’s DMs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not worry about it, HK. We will explain later and we will set up a powerpoint. It’ll be a whole deal.

NICK (as HK): Will this be like the powerpoint that Sentinel used?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, mine will be good. So should we do this tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow night? Just because if Karma has to go on a “coffee meetup” with a “friend” in the morning maybe we should not be doing too much stuff tonight.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is legitimately what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): [suspicious] Okay~

NICK (as HK): Karma, your heartrate and body temperature seem elevated. Are you okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You know HK, I was just so moved by Tink’s version of Rocket Man. I’m just coming down from the high of hearing that.

NICK (as HK): Karma, that doesn’t make sense. Quantifiably, Tink’s version of Rocket Man was inferior to the original recording.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa!

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not inferior, it is just a different style. Sometimes covers have their own artistic merit.

CAMERON (as Karma): It had so much heart!

HUDSON (as Tink): I wasn’t singing the original, I was singing a cover of a cover.

NICK (as HK): Oh… Recalculating. I do not understand, but I sense that I will hurt feelings if I continue this conversation. Great job, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so we go back to the ship for the night, we do some planning, Karma has her totally normal coffee meetup with a friend in the morning…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we go kill some dudes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Ooh! On the way back to the ship, can I get a pizza cone?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Okay. You can do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as HK): Please explain what a pizza cone is.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is exactly what it sounds like, HK. It is a cone of dough with pizza fillings on the inside.

NICK (as HK): Are we going back to Darth Pizza the Cheese? We just left there.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. Darth Pizza the Cheese is like a nice sit-down place. This you get out of a little stall. It is like a single credit and they just throw it at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s pretty good. You have to catch it, and if you drop it they don’t give you another one free. I learned that the hard way.

NICK: If HK could blink slowly in confusion that’s what he would be doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a food thing. You wouldn’t understand, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where are the Kemslingers based?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I have no idea. This is not the right bar for that. If you just give me like two hours and a handful of—I don’t even need a handful of credits. I will just get free drinks. You give me like an hour and a half out on the town, I can get all of that for you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hour and a half on the town? Make it 60 minutes and it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You give me 60 minutes and then somebody buys me a pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but it’s gotta be from one of the places where they have the little shakers of extra cheese and pepper on the side, because I like to make mine spicy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Of course.

LILIT: Xianna takes her drink, slams it back, slams it back onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I will be back here in exactly 60 minutes! Start the timer. Go!

LILIT: She claps her hands, spins around, and heads out. Xianna’s plan is to go into seedier bars and flirt for information, as one does.

NICK: That would be a Streetwise check at hard difficulty, with a black die because you’re not a local.

LILIT: Okay, but I can remove the black die because of Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

HUDSON: Street Smarts!

LILIT: Street Smarts!

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts!

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: From Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I also have a blue die since I will be targeting people who are inebriated?

NICK: Yes you can.

LILIT: Too many blank dice. I don’t like that, but okay. Sadly, it is only two successes and one advantage.

NICK: [grinning] ONLY two successes and one advantage.

LILIT: I had a yellow, a blue and a green die all come up blank, so that is a sad play.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [chuckles]

NICK: So you are able to collect the information. What you are able to find out is the info about the gang. They have weirdly been hunted. With two successes and an advantage, describe to me your montage of your hour of collecting information.

[upbeat investigation music begins]

LILIT: So Xianna goes into bars, and Xianna looks for anyone that has gang tattoos. Even if she doesn’t think they are tattoos specifically for the Kemslingers, any gang tattoo is good. And will make eyes with them from across the bar, have them come to her. It initiates it. It brings down their sense of security, because they’re initiating the interaction. Gets them to buy her a drink, and then she will talk about how cool it is to be in a gang and ask to see their gang tattoo, and talk about it, and then be like “well, some other guy was trying to buy me a drink and they had a Kemslingers tattoo,” and see what they say.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: This person might hate them and give a whole bunch of information about the Kemslingers and talk shit about them, or will talk a whole bunch about it because they’re in it. She repeats this pattern at a few different bars on a few different various people.

NICK: With two successes and an advantage, you are able to do this in under an hour, so part of the montage is you finish and say “oh yes, that’s very interesting,” finish your drink and sprint out of the bar [laughs] towards the next one. So we see you like running down the street trying to get to the next seedy place.

LILIT: It is sort of a Batman scenario in that the person will turn around to order a new drink, and by the time they turn around Xianna is gone.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And is indeed running down the street to the next bar, sneaks in because she does not have time to wait in line and get past a bouncer, and repeats the process.

[investigation music ends]

NICK: So while this is all going on, Karma and Tink and HK are sitting at the bar waiting for Xianna to get back.

HUDSON: I have an old fashioned stopwatch I keep looking at every once in a while for some reason.

NICK: [makes a loud and annoying ticking sound]

HUDSON: Yeah, like one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): It goes really well with your top hat. It’s like very coordinated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Tink is timing Xianna on this antique stopwatch that he’s found.

CAMERON: Karma and HK are just playing Chess on her tablet.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Statement: Knight to Pawn 5.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’m beginning to remember why I don’t like Chess.

NICK (as HK): Because I have all the moves downloaded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm?

HUDSON (as Tink): Move the horsey over by the crossy tall one and then sweep the board. You know what I mean, sweep the board.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay.

CAMERON: Karma moves the knight over to the king?

HUDSON (as Tink): By the king, the crossy one.

CAMERON (as Karma): The crossy person? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I have utmost respect for you, but it’s SUPER messed up to give someone the only gap in my strategy moves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha~

NICK: At this point Xianna runs back into the room.

LILIT: Xianna comes stumbling back in. She now has a pair of bright yellow shutter shades on top of her head, is wearing a whole stack of glow bead necklaces, and has a yard-long drink with the big crazy straw that spells out bridesmaid.


LILIT: She comes back in slurping on the drink, throws an elbow onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I have found out the information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fifty-eight minutes! Good job.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am good at what I do. The Kemslingers, they have a spot nearby, not too far. It is in an old speeder garage that they use as a front for their drug running.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. The drug running is the front? Of what crime?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The speeder garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t repair speeders really. Well, I’m sure they do too, but they mostly do the drug running in the background.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): They have been beefing up their security lately, getting some real beefy boys and guns for the security. Apparently someone has been killing them off over the last year. They made some sort of enemy. I didn’t figure out who. Somebody. So, hopefully we don’t run into them, whoever they are, but yeah. So, they have some extra security but there aren’t that many of them left, so I think it kind of evens out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Checkmate.

NICK: HK stops, does this micro-shift of his head to the board and back to karma, and to the board and back to Karma, and then with one hand, without the rest of his body moving, flips the tablet over and puts it facedown.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you should have used a Mustafarian Swap.

NICK (as HK): The Mustafarian Swap doesn’t work when the rook side pawns have been moved already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you use a Mustafarian Swap at that point, and it seems like it is not going to work, but you wait a few turns and usually they are gonna move their bishop, and then what you do is a Corellian Gambit. You see what happens? Ah-ha, that is checkmate.

NICK (as HK): That is outdated strategy that only works 67% of the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): 67% of the time it works every time, HK!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, secondary user, you seem more inebriated than you did at the beginning of this evening.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I went to six different bars. Also I got this yard drink at one time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a bridesmaid?

LILIT (as Xianna): Apparently yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is getting married? I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did steal the stuff from a different bridesmaid so I could sneak back into the bar. I don’t feel bad about it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, I owe you a one-of-a-kind pizza cone from Pooky’s Pizza Cone & Boba Tea Emporium.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh! Kriff yes! Okay, let’s go get the pizza cone.

NICK: We cut to the four of you sitting on a curb as speeders go by. It’s not a bad part of town or a nice part of town, it’s just a Coruscanti skyline. You’re holding boba teas in one hand and a pizza cone in the other, including HK, and you’re watching speeders go by. It’s probably 2 AM at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s a red one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, I see a blue one go by.

LILIT: Xianna’s just eating the pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, when you eat or drink where does it go?

NICK (as HK): I do not eat or drink… except for the blood of my enemies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I thought HK was just holding the extra pizza cone and boba tea for Xianna.

NICK (as HK): I was told to. I can smash it against my faceplate if you would prefer.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t, HK. I’m going to eat that one. You know I could not decide between the spicy pepperoni and the mac and cheese.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Which really isn’t a pizza cone at that point. It’s just mac and cheese in a cone.

HUDSON: I look up into the night sky and I just like under my breath say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Burning out his fuse out there alone~

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 21 Darth Pizza the Cheese

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 21:
Darth Pizza the Cheese

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 21 of Tabletop Squadron. You heard it here, folks, the best podcast to ever exist ever.

HUDSON: The only one, as well.

LILIT: The only podcast.

NICK: Yes. Everything else are just short-form audio books. Hate to break it to you.


LILIT: We invented Star Wars.

NICK: Yup. Uh… I’m also scared of Disney, so you know, caveat-caveat-caveat. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: [pleased but without steam] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

NICK: So four light side, one dark side going into this?

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, to recap what happened last time…

[slinky groovy music begins]

You were able to grab another item of the Shattered Force, the Stone Breaker, and you placed it onto your ship. You gave Meelo Shmee a ride to Coruscant so that he could go back to see his wife and kids, and you made a dinner date with Nolaa to talk about the Space Breaker, and also to eat some pizza.

Stepping off of the landing pad, the ship is locked behind you for a nominal fee by the Coruscant Shipping Authority, and you are able to walk through this city to the pizza place. As you’re going there are crowds. It’s not enough that you’re jostled, but there are quite a few people. You are well-armed, clearly scary, so people tend to give you a decent amount of space, but it’s also Star Wars so that’s not a weird thing for people to be walking around wearing body armor and carrying axes and things.

So, you’re able to see a lot of different kinds of people as you walk through. The perpetual traffic of the Coruscant sky is floating above you, and you walk past one of these sky rises, these huge Coruscant buildings that looks like it has recently been on fire and has burned almost to the foundations way, way down below, and there are firefighting droids floating around it, spraying it with water, trying to put it out.

A couple of blocks from there you come to the restaurant that Nolaa recommended that you meet at. Darth Pizza the Cheese is the name of the restaurant.

[music changes to jaunty accordion]

The doors slide open away from you as you enter, and you can see Nolaa is seated in a booth near the kitchen. Everybody give me one detail about Darth Pizza the Cheese, Nolaa’s favorite pizza restaurant on Coruscant.

LILIT: So one, it is obviously a corner booth with the walls in the back so that way you can see the entrance of the pizza restaurant. Obviously. You never sit with your back to the front door.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: I said one as if I had a two.


NICK: I will say, just based on the name, I am picturing a grungy Chuck E. Cheese that’s maybe been refurbished to not be for kids, but that’s just my thought, that doesn’t have to be an actual thing.

LILIT: Two, it is a small place, low lighting, and it is under an overpass.

NICK: Cool. So, it’s a small hole-in-the-wall place. There’s only a couple of booths, and it’s right next to one of the speeder lanes, so you can hear the drone of speeders passing overhead slowly, because even though they can fly they’re always in traffic on Coruscant. But the booths are red plush and there’s lighting that’s kinda dim and dusty because of the stained glass lampshades that are over all of the lighting that look like a lightsaber but the handle is a slice of pizza.

CAMERON: Beautiful. I’m thinking the walls are just completely covered. Like, I’m picturing your stereotypical family Italian restaurant where it’s in the city and there’s a photo on the wall of every single famous person who’s ever been there, with a slice of pizza, and there is just no space on the walls at all. It’s just all photographs.

NICK: For sure. We see the crew of the Afternoon Delight press open this door and there’s a little ding of a bell as you walk in. There are two Twi’leks behind the counter who are kneading out dough and making the pizza and getting it ready to go, and back around the side of the counter there’s a little eating area with a couple of booths.

You can see seated at one is an Ubese, which is interesting because you’re not sure how they would eat pizza with their weird gasmask things on, and then behind that you can see Nolaa up against the corner, sitting in the middle of the booth magnanimously, watching the door. She waves and smiles widely at you all as you come in.

HUDSON: I wave back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK (as Nolaa): Hi. Let’s not yell across the whole restaurant. Come on, come grab a seat.

HUDSON (as Tink): [yelling] What did you say? I can’t hear you.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She rolls her eyes but in a loving way and just motions for you to come closer.

[accordion music fades]

HUDSON: I steal a crouton from the salad bar.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just use your hands. Oh my gosh. This is so gross!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna just order some stuff anyway. I’m just getting it early.

LILIT (as Xianna): There was one on the floor you could have picked up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ew!

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s kinda gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is gross, it’s super gross, but Tink has eaten food off the floor before so I thought that was normal for him.

HUDSON (as Tink): People can change.

NICK: I need you to roll me a hard Perception check, please. We’re gonna roll more dice in this pizza restaurant than we have in the last three episodes. [laughs]

CAMERON: Good. [laughs]

HUDSON: Three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Yeah, definitely no one saw you just plunge your hand into the salad bar, which by the way, this is a small hole-in-the-wall place so the salad bar is like four bowls in ice baths, one with croutons, one with a lettuce mix, one with shredded cheese, and one that’s—they’re all the same size, and the other one’s just full of ranch dressing. You grab a couple of croutons out of there and you’re pretty sure no one noticed.


CAMERON: Is the crouton delicious though?

NICK: Yeah. With the three advantages, if you eat it, it is a really super good crouton.

HUDSON: Oh, I eat it.

NICK: It also doesn’t crunch super loudly, so people don’t notice you eat it necessarily.

HUDSON: Ooh, just the right amount of softness from the moisture in the air. Oh…

CAMERON: Ew… [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, so you all are able to slide in the booth. Who sits next to Nolaa and who sits further out?

[accordion music returns]

LILIT: Obviously Xianna sits next to Nolaa, and I imagine that Nolaa was on one of the edges, and Xianna gets on the other end and scooches the whole way over.

NICK: [laughing] Okay. Tink or Karma, are you sitting in the middle or…?

HUDSON: I’ll sit in the middle.

NICK: Okay, and then Karma will, and HK will sit at the end, because he doesn’t eat but he does like to heckle wait staff, so he wants to be somewhere where he can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh, HK. Terrible.

NICK: [emphatically] He’s evil! [laughs]

HUDSON: As soon as everyone sits down and gets comfortable I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to go to the bathroom and wash my hands.

CAMERON (as Karma): [deflated] Oh my gosh, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who can get up? … I’ll go over this table. I will walk over this table.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, don’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK? HK, can you scooch?

NICK: HK scoots out without standing up, so he’s standing a foot away from the booth with his legs still bent at a 90 degree angle just holding onto the table.

CAMERON: Karma climbs out and does not do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] You’re welcome.

HUDSON: I go to the refresher.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. So, are we waiting on Tink to get back, or…? What have you all been up to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, um… we went to a planet, and then we fought some sort of giant creature, and we killed it, and then… Oh! It turns out that Tink took all the wine out of the wine cellar and put it in the airlock and let it off into the vacuum of space to never be retrieved and instead replaced them with popsicles.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs] Oh wow. Well, but I mean, it’s like hotel wine, right? So it wasn’t—

[music turns severe]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Nolaa, I don’t think you understand. I calculated exactly how much all the wine was worth, and um… I wasn’t telling anybody else in the crew because my plan was to take all the wine when we left finally, and then I was going to sell it all, and I would be so rich.

[music grows delicate and sorrowful]

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring off into the distance, eyes unfocused.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be… It would have been so, so much money. I could have bought a mansion on Naboo by the waterfalls, with the ducks, and I could have had at least four servants, and I could make them bring me bantha cakes whenever I wanted.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. This was like an old really, really rich person’s wine cellar.

NICK (as Nolaa): I mean, I’ve been in the ship before… I guess I just thought it was like fake old and fancy. It was really that nice?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, those are the display ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Those are fake.

LILIT (as Xianna): The like cheapest bottle I found was 500 Credits.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): When you go into the room you have to press the button to get the real racks to raise out of the ground.

NICK (as HK): The Boss Man prioritizes popsicles above all else including the wellbeing of his companions.

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems a bit extreme, HK.

NICK (as HK): What part of his behavior has proven otherwise?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean like you’re not wrong, it’s just extreme.

[delicate music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Yeah, I don’t know if I would have said it out loud.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t know. I think Tink’s a pretty good guy. Sure he will not do a mission and will go buy popsicles instead of doing other stuff, Xianna’s told me about that, but… maybe he just made a mistake. That must have been a long time ago though, right? Like, he didn’t do this yesterday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t even remember.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea when he did this.

NICK (as Nolaa): So, have you been doing anything else or just arguing about popsicles and wine? It sounds like a fun evening, but…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it has been the main discussion for the last day.

NICK (as Nolaa): Understandable. It’s a shame to hear that your secret fortune you weren’t planning on sharing with your crewmates had been ejected into space.

LILIT: Xianna does a big sigh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I… I guess I will just have to steal something else in order to get my retirement money.

NICK: HK gives a mechanical sigh and shimmies out of the booth as Tink returns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you, HK.

CAMERON: Karma hadn’t sat back down.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: She was still standing there. HK scooted back in, but she did not.

LILIT: Xianna starts pointing aggressively at everybody.

LILIT (as Xianna): And if any of you show up to my retirement mansion and say that you have one last job for me, I swear to kriff I will probably do the job.


LILIT (as Xianna): But it would need to be worth it, and you would need to say something really dramatic for me to do it. I won’t just do any job. You can’t just come up and say we want to rob a bank. It would need to be like, we want to rob a bank and you can kill Falx.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh… Alright. I’ll do that as long as, in response to me giving you the mission, you say “son of a bitch, I’m in” and point finger guns at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, that is part of the culture. You have to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep. Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would be rude not to.

NICK: Nolaa slides on a pair of sunglasses and says:

NICK (as Nolaa): And this time it’s personal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahaha! Nolaa did the thing!

NICK (as Nolaa): Anyway. Tink. Do you know exactly where you were and what direction you were going when you kicked out that wine stuff? Because I might be able to do some math and find it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… hmm. I mean we can go to the camera footage which is probably synced up to our coordinates and figure it out for sure, but I think we were by… uh… oh. We were actually going to Endor weren’t we? No. To Hoth? No, we never even went to Hoth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Would it not be in the ship logs? I feel like the ship logs every time you open up the air vent.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or the air lock, whichever you did. And like logs it, right?

NICK (as HK): This is true, but that may be a lot of information to parse as I press the airlock buttons for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, but we have to figure out which… like, just a small period of time and space when Tink would have done this, and then it’s less information to look through.

NICK (as HK): This seems logical.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, don’t we have security cameras?

HUDSON (as Tink): We do have security cameras, and I think I mentioned that they were probably synced up to our coordinates, but I’m not positive. [gasps] But I do remember it was absolutely a Wednesday, because it’s Double Wombly Day on Wednesdays.

NICK: Nolaa taps her chin.

NICK (as Nolaa): I just realized a bad part of this plan. These were wine bottles that were kept in a specially temperature controlled area, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): And now they’ve spent between two days and nine months floating through the vacuum cold hard death of space?

LILIT: Xianna’s nodding a bunch.

LILIT (as Xianna): But,  nobody would have to know.

NICK (as Nolaa): Now that’s a good point, that just turns it more into a con than a merchant deal. You know?

LILIT: Xianna does little finger guns.

LILIT (as Xianna): [snaps] Exactly!

NICK (as Nolaa): Alright. Alright. Gosh, I missed you.

NICK: And she gives you a comfy side-hug in the booth.

LILIT: Xianna gives her a smooch on the cheek.

LILIT (as Xianna): I missed you too, mon shu shu.

NICK: Nolaa smiles real big.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I’m glad you made it out of the last job in one piece, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big kiss, and you all can see Xianna looking a little embarrassed at the nickname back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Twinkle toes?! Twinkle toes? Can I call you twinkle toes?

LILIT: Xianna immediately has a blaster out under the table pointed at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, if you call me twinkle toes one more time I will murder you in this place. This is very good pizza and I would like to come back here again, but I will give it up in order to murder you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay fine, two Ts.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not what you said I couldn’t say.

LILIT: Xianna does kick him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a warning.

HUDSON (as Tink): O-Okay… Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

LILIT: Puts the blaster back in her coat.

NICK (as HK): New username logged. Secondary user, Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I will switch you back into investigation mode.

NICK (as HK): I am so sorry. I will never use that again. Log deleted.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is damn right.

NICK (as HK): Log of log deleted. Delete history deleted.


LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. I love you.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know what you’re talking about. I can’t remember the last 35 seconds.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is fine. Nothing important happened.

NICK (as HK): That’s super weird. Why do you have a gun drawn at Tink under the table?

NICK: A waiter is approaching. As HK asks that the waiter’s eyes get kind of big.

LILIT: Well, Xianna had already put the blaster back in and now has her hands above the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is just an inside joke. Anyways. We order pizza now.

NICK: So, the waiter smiles broadly.

[accordion music returns]

NICK (as waiter): Hey, I’m Tommy the waiter. They call me Pizza Tommy. Welcome to Darth Pizza the Cheese. What can I—Are you all ready to order? Can I start you off with some drinks? Oh, hey Nolaa.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh hey, hey Tommy. Yeah, these are just some friends of mine from out of town. I’ll take the usual, but I wonder what they want.

[accordion music fades]

LILIT: Xianna hadn’t even been looking at the menu.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will also take the usual. Nolaa’s usual not mine, I don’t have one yet.

NICK (as Tommy): I was gonna say. Yep, that’s fine. Uh… Nolaa, do you wanna make that a large so that you can share?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] And then we can share!

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, that seems really cute. I guess so.

NICK: And she blushes a little bit, because she’s normally not somebody who goes in for that kind of thing, but she’s a little off-balance. She’s happy to see you.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright. What can I get the rest of the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh kriff.

HUDSON: I pull up a menu. I have it upside-down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no!

HUDSON: And I flip it over.

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to look at the… Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Tink, you said you were ready.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re right, you’re right. Here, I don’t need to look at the menu. I think I know what I want. Can I get a pizza—

NICK (as Tommy): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): —but with no cheese and no sauce, and on top of it you put a layer of croutons from your salad bar and drizzle it with sweetened condensed milk?

NICK (as Tommy): I regret having said yes before you finished describing this food. Uh, we do have sweetened condensed milk. What if I just bring you a can of that and you get a salad bar and I’ll bring you a pizza dough, I guess? Crust, that we’ve cooked.

HUDSON: Ooh, self-service. I can deal with that.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, that… should be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the fuck…?

NICK (as Tommy): Are you sure?

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): It’s really good pizza. You don’t need to make like soggy crackers the pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re putting really cooked bread on top of cooked bread and then covering it in sweetened condensed milk.

NICK (as Tommy): Actually, when you say it like that, it does sound kind of good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, they even have a pizza here where they take the dough and brush it with garlic olive oil and crisp it up with some like parmesan cheese and stuff and then they put like a good Caesar salad on top after it’s been cooked. It is like almost the same thing except edible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Garlic is no good. I could be part vampire. I looked into it once.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the croutons have garlic in them!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man… Okay, take off the croutons.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, quick, look at this mirror.

NICK: And HK points to a mirror above the kitchen door, one of those fisheye ones that you use to make sure you’re not gonna run into somebody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… oh.

NICK (as HK): Can you see your reflection?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can. I also hear everyone yelling corner a lot. I don’t know what that’s about.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): But anyways. Yeah, keep the croutons on there. Xianna, thank you for the pizza idea. I will pass at this time. I just want the Tink Special, which is what I described before.

NICK (as Tommy): Alright… I’m gonna probably charge you double for crimes against food, but you seem good for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are not the first waiter to have said that to me.


LILIT (as Xianna): Your place is named after like an evil dictator. You can’t judge him.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, the name’s a bit unfortunate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not just unfortunate. It is like downright offensive.

NICK (as Tommy): Well… I mean, Darth Plagueis the Wise didn’t actually exist. Like, they talk about him, there’s stories or whatever, but that’s like naming him after the old-timey devil or something, like Old Nick’s Pizza or something. It’s not like a historical figure.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t think it’s the same, but you make good pizza.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah. Well, and we already had everything set up and all the signage when we got the place and turned all the actual food around and made it edible, so it saved a lot of money even though we didn’t pick the name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if you get me in touch with your marketing team, I actually have a lot of alternative names, and my number one alternative name is Buster Buck’s Cheese Me Please.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as Tommy): So that’s pretty good, but we already have the jingle.

[musically, with flat horn accompaniment] Darth Pizza the Cheese, good for you and me. Everybody likes pizza and cheese.

That’s catchy as hell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! And at the end of the commercial, in a ghostly tone, it says “have you heard the tale of $5.99 Wednesdays?”

NICK (as Tommy): It is Thursday, for the record.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Ah, kriff.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Tommy): Anyway, we got extremely distracted. Ma’am, what can I get you? Please don’t order a sweetened condensed milk and crouton pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god. No, no, I would not do that to you. Can I get a, uh… the personal pan tropical pizza, please?

NICK (as Tommy): Absolutely. Let me go get those in the kitchen. It’ll probably be 20-30 minutes, because we make everything from scratch here.

NICK: And he just walks slowly away, ducks into the kitchen.

[whimsical music begins]

NICK (as Nolaa): So, what all have you been up to? I got Xianna’s text that we were meeting up and that you all needed something, but…

LILIT: Xianna does the little finger tents, rests her chin on them, and looks over at Nolaa.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so, sweetie… love of my life. Do you remember when I gave you a yellow crystal dildo thing to sell?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, to sell. Um…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, the crystal one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was there a different one that wasn’t to sell?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I said crystal.

CAMERON (as Karma): Never mind, that’s personal.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well just… she started with do you remember when you gave me a yellow crystal dildo and I was like eh… but to sell, yes. Yeah, I remember that. That was a long time ago. That was like when we first met.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it was a while ago, many months ago. I was just hoping that maybe you had trouble finding a buyer.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ha! What kind of fence would I be if it took me more than six months to sell some sort of weird crystal item to somebody who is gonna pay too much?

LILIT (as Xianna): Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Nolaa): It’s long gone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. So, do you know exactly who you sold it to? Like, their name and their address and their day-to-day routine? And where they work? And like, maybe if they have family that lives with them too so we would have to learn their schedules? Keypads to their house. If they have servants that we could pose as. Anything of that?

NICK (as Nolaa): I see where you’re going with that. I would recommend keeping it a little bit lower key than that, because the heat’s kind of on in this neighborhood. I don’t mean to alarm anybody, but some smarson happened around the corner pretty recently.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. The problem is that we kind of need to get it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): You might be able to trade with them for it. I sold it to somebody actually on Coruscant. They’re not too far from here. You’ve got some options. Now, I will say, I do not know what their family situation is or what their address is, but I do have their name.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can work with that. Because it just… it kind of turns out that the yellow crystal phallic shape might be some sort of very powerful Jedi artifact and we kind of need it now.

NICK (as Nolaa): You’re saying the dildo is a very powerful artifact?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I know exactly what you are going to say, but please don’t. We are in company.


LILIT (as Xianna): We just… We need to have it back.

NICK: She twitches her lekku at you, saying something that the others can’t quite make out.

LILIT: Xianna does a real big laugh and says something back.

LILIT (as Xianna): But okay, okay, we have to be serious now. It is actually very important, so we do have to either buy it back, trade it back, but my personal favorite is steal it back.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Uh, I don’t think… So here’s the thing. I can tell you who I sold it to. I think that she was probably working for someone else, but at least that’s the first step. I hate to do this to you, twinkle toes, but I don’t think I should be involved, just because I’m the one that sold it. It would be really bad for my reputation, and you didn’t hear it from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I understand. We would not involve you any more than just getting the name.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay. Okay. So, I sold it to a Fosh named Keena. She works at a jazz club a couple levels down from here. I think she may have ties to some sort of organized crime, not 100% sure, but gosh she sure can sing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. Cool-cool-cool. So, how did the smarson go?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, the smarson? It went pretty good. So, I tried that new mix of accelerant that you recommended the last time we talked and it was—

NICK: And the waiter comes out with water cups for everybody and just Tink’s crouton and milk pizza, because it turns out that takes about 20 seconds to cook.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is really gross. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I get one of those fishbowl punch drinks? You know, those really round ones that’s brightly colored and tastes like fruit with the fun straws in it?

NICK (as Tommy): Well, we don’t have a liquor license, so that would be illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh.

NICK (as Tommy): I’ll be right back with your non-alcoholic fruit punch. Wink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Does anybody else want a drink?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I do my arms crossed against each other in the shape of an X and pump it against my chest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like you could have gotten your weird Shirley Temple.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll take a Shirley Temple, please.

NICK (as Tommy): We actually don’t have those. I’m sorry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Tommy): We don’t have a grenadine license.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. What about a Shelly Temple?

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. I think that’s just Sprite.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Tommy): Okay. One Sprite for the very large child.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good, thank you.

NICK: HK’s head rotates a fast 90 degrees to lock with the waiter.

NICK (as HK): I do not consume either food or drink being a droid.

NICK (as Tommy): Yeah, I get it. I’ll be back when those other pizzas are done.

NICK: And he walks back to the kitchen.

NICK (as Nolaa): Phew, almost gave away the game there. Yeah, the smarson went pretty good. The smaccelerant was great. There were no smasualties.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because it was a sminsurance smfraud, and… honestly it went up really fast. I think that building was out of code.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it probably was. The older buildings are always easier to set fire to. Not that I’ve ever done that before.

NICK: She’s looking at you appraisingly for a second.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right… Right. Okay. So, yeah, but thanks for asking. It went great. Everything’s been going well. Karma, Tink, haven’t seen you all in a while. I heard you went to jail. How did that go?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… yup. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like a getaway, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um?

HUDSON (as Tink): Like away from home time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Because he escaped. I get it. That’s very funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I didn’t… Oh yeah! I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, and I mean it was a time when we were not at home, so I guess that is also true, Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you learned a lot? Are you…?

NICK: She wiggles her eyebrows at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Have you been rehabilitated?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s really funny that you think prisons rehabilitate anything.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s not what they’re for. They are for making money.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s the joke, yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh good. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay good, just making sure you knew, because like… [laughs] That would be silly.

NICK (as Nolaa): [laughs, contented sigh] Actually, you know, I’ve never been. I’ve never been caught. I know Xianna has a few times. Seems to know her way around pretty well.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, all of the times I have been in the actual prison were kind of on purpose. I have been arrested many times, but usually I get out before I actually go to the full prison, so I’m in jail not prison. There is a slight difference.

NICK: She furrows her brow and takes a sip on her water and looks at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Really? Every time you got caught was a “oh, I meant to do that” situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not every time I got caught. There were plenty of times that I did not mean to get caught. I am saying the other times I have been in prisons it was on purpose. One time I just went into the prison. I wasn’t even arrested. I just snuck in, in order to be in the prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): Huh… Well, the more you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s different.

LILIT (as Xianna): They never noticed.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Normally I’m just dropping people off.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. Well, I would advise that you don’t go back.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is not a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles] Shockingly, I don’t have very many friends in prison.

NICK (as Nolaa): No kidding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I know, right? I was surprised too.

LILIT (as Xianna): You had us. We are your friends and we were in the prison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. We’re your—Are we not your friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. I said I didn’t have very many.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have a lot of friends in prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Four friends in prison I guess, well five friends, no six friends.

NICK (as HK): And now you have less because you helped them all escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. Less of my friends are in prison now.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why one of the times I was in the prison. It is the time I snuck in. I was sneaking somebody out. It was a very different style prison so it was much easier.

NICK: Around this point Pizza Tommy the waiter comes back out with a bunch of trays and slides a very large pizza that appears to be deep fried blurrg on pizza, like it’s kind of a blubbery meat that’s got a crust on it that’s scattered around on the pizza. He slides it between Nolaa and Xianna. He gives Karma a tropical pizza which is obviously some sort of weird colored shrimp and pineapple.

CAMERON: And seaweed.

NICK: And seaweed, of course.

NICK (as Tommy): If you need anything else give me a holler. Oh wait—

NICK: He runs and he comes back and he plops a giant fruit bowl down and what looks like a thermal detonator bottle shaped Sprite and puts it in front of Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Thank you.

LILIT: Very important question. How many straws are in the fishbowl drink?

NICK: Six.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK (as Tommy): Now that’s a six-person drink. Normally I would make several people leave their IDs, because you’re supposed to share, but Nolaa’s here all the time. I know that y’all wouldn’t overindulge, right, of your non-alcoholic fruit punch?

LILIT: Xianna nods her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, absolutely. We will not overindulge.

LILIT: She takes five of the straws, leaves one pointed at Nolaa, but smooshes all of the other straws together and starts drinking from those five at once.

NICK: Karma, you see the drink level go down demonstrably as Xianna starts to pound this thing. It’s impressive. Xianna’s not that big. You don’t know where it’s all going.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very good. It tastes like pineapple and jogan fruit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yum.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, they changed the recipe up from last time.

NICK: And Nolaa takes a little sip.

NICK (as Nolaa): This is great. I really am enjoying spending some time eating with you, and I’ve given you a lead on the crystal dildo, but why are you looking for it in the first place?

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, like I said, it is a very powerful Jedi artifact and we need to find it again.

NICK (as Nolaa): All that Force mumbo-jumbo? I didn’t think you would go in for that kind of thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I just saw a lot of Jedi when I was a kid. Because like, I was living in Lessu during the Clone Wars, so Jedi would just show up out of fucking nowhere and just like wreak havoc… which was cool because the Separatists fucking sucked too, but sometimes the Jedi would just show up and… [exhales] throw their lightsabers around at shit and then leave, and you were like what do we do now. Our city is all messed up. Are you going to help us rebuild? No, no, you’re gonna run away to some other planet?

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, you know I didn’t grow up on Ryloth, but I’ve heard stories, and Jedi, if they’re real, front-flip a lot for no reason, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, they absolutely do. They just front-flip all the time and they do spinny things, and it is entirely for show because there is no way it makes them fight any better.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): They were super cool, but they were kind of dicks.

NICK (as Nolaa): Karma, you have experience with Jedi as well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, yeah.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh. Where did you run into Jedi before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Here?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have to remember, I’m old. During my teenage years the Jedi were still a thing. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it is not like you are THAT old. You are like… 30? That’s old.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, I am 38.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, you are ancient, Karma!


CAMERON (as Karma): That’s why I’m saying—

LILIT (as Xianna): So old you will wither away and die any day now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no…

LILIT (as Xianna): I am joking. You are not that old.

NICK (as Nolaa): You know, come to think of it, it’s a little weird. The Jedi weren’t around that long ago, but it’s hard to find people who had ever seen them or even really believed they were real. Even on Coruscant.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because there weren’t that many and they stuck to themselves unless they were like messing up your city.

NICK (as Nolaa): And front-flipping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa, have you heard of the Mandela Effect?

LILIT (as Xianna): We do not have time for that, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK (as Nolaa): I actually haven’t heard of the Mandela Effect. Please explain it to me in detail.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you don’t want to hear about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But anyways.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): For reasons, we need to find the artifact so we can combine it with its other artifacts and… Actually, I kind of forgot exactly why we needed all of them. We just have a client who, uh, maybe works with a certain organization that… buys a lot of X-Wings, wink-wink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ohh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And so they need the artifacts for some reason. I don’t remember why.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And they think if we collect all of them… they do something? I don’t know. Karma, do you remember?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t. That presentation was very vague. I know it’s important that we get them all, but I don’t know if we actually were ever told why.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: [laughs] Somewhere, the camera pans away to Sentinel setting up a new hideout, talking to Cappy the droid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, well I definitely did explain exactly what they were for and why I needed all of them to depose the Emperor, so I’m sure they’re all extremely motivated to help.

NICK: And then we cut back.

[eerie music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, he definitely didn’t say anything.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m assuming maybe if you connect them all they do something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, if you do that with Lincoln Logs you eventually get a Lincoln Log house, so that’s usually where that goes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe this one makes a… makes like a little trophy.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, so they’re all stick-shaped?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, one of them is dildo-shaped like we explained.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s the stick.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’re all different shapes. I think maybe you can combine them like a mech. You know? You combine them all.

NICK (as HK): Oh, like Voltron.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, just like Voltron. I think they Voltron into something else.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Well, like I said, uh… you’re gonna wanna talk to Keena. She’s a jazz singer a couple levels down at the Blue Bantha, and you’ll have to just go from there. I wish I could be more help.

HUDSON: I stop stuffing my face for a second.

HUDSON (as Tink): [with his mouth full] Are we talking about mechs? Okay, well… well wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, Tink… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I rode a mech once. We called it Tex. It was Tex-Mechs.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): We just went all around the planet. It was a good old time. I almost fell out a few times. It was pretty neat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you for that story.

NICK: [laughs] Nolaa has a look of like very patient love on her face as she nods at Tink.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well, I think that’s probably enough talk about work, don’t you think? Let’s just enjoy some pizza. I don’t know when the next time I’m gonna get to see you all is.

NICK: She nudges Xianna with a shoulder and grabs another slice of fried blurrg pizza and chows down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Nolaa! Also, I got you some gifts.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh~

LILIT: Xianna pulls out the pack of Sabacc cards.

LILIT (as Xianna): I found this on a dead guy.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: She scratches at a little stain and it flakes off of the box and opens them up and fans them out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, these are nice. These are very nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is very nice. Also, I found this!

LILIT: And Xianna pulls out the ring.

NICK (as Nolaa): Whoa. Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. No. You see, I knew that this would be too small for your fingers, but I am pretty sure it is the exact size to be a very beautiful pinky toe ring.

NICK: She takes it and looks at it. It was on a chain, wasn’t it?


NICK: She detaches the chain and holds it up and looks at it in the light.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah, I guess. Hey… warn a girl before you just start whipping rings out all over the place in front of all of your friends in a nice restaurant. I can’t take that kind of adrenaline.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. [stammers, chuckling] Oh my. Did you think I was going to propose to you? No, you propose to me when that happens.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay, that’s good to know. I’m glad we’re having this conversation in front of your friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): Besides, this is absolutely going to fit your left pinky toe.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. Okay. Well, cool. Thanks! That’s nice.

LILIT (as Xianna): I also got a glow stick necklace off of the same dead guy, however I am keeping that, because we have all agreed that we are going to a rave after we collect these artifacts and it is just a very nice necklace and I think it would complement me very well.

NICK (as Nolaa): Ooh, can I come?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, absolutely.

NICK (as Nolaa): Great. That’ll be a nice ‘celebrate the finishing of a job’ kind of thing to do. I like that idea a lot.

[smooth lounge music begins]

NICK: We zoom out and we see the group of you all at this booth eating pizza together: Tink chomping down on his soggy milk monstrosity, Karma enjoying her tropical pizza, HK watching without moving, and Nolaa and Xianna sharing a fishbowl and a large pizza. Some time passes and you all stand to go. Nolaa pays the check. As you are all shimmying out of the booth and headed towards the door, Nolaa sets a hand on Xianna’s shoulder.

NICK (as Nolaa): Hey, can I have a couple minutes with Xianna? I kinda wanted to make out or something and figured it would be polite to, like, do the family thing first, but… uh, can we have some time real quick?

[lounge music fades]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Yeah, sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll go stand outside.

HUDSON (as Tink): No need for family make-out sessions, just whatever you were gonna do.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh that’s weird. I don’t like that you said it like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t like that, Tink. Okay, you go outside now. Bye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, come on, Tink. Let’s go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: HK is still standing next to the table just staring at Xianna and Nolaa.

NICK (as HK): You may continue.

CAMERON: They get about halfway across the restaurant and karma turns around.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, come on!

NICK (as HK): Confused face.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re going outside. Come on.

NICK (as HK): Okay. Heading outside.

[delicate and romantic piano music begins]

NICK: The restaurant has really quieted down. The people working in the kitchen are back behind the closed door. The other booth with the Ubese has emptied out because you’ve been eating for a while, and you have this quiet time.

NICK (as Nolaa): Sorry, I hope that wasn’t awkward to just kick your friends out like that, but it really has been a little while since we’ve seen each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it has been… at least a month. I don’t know how time works.

NICK (as Nolaa): Honestly, does anyone know how time works? It’s difficult.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s very weird when you are like in space and then on planets with shorter or longer days. It’s just weird. So anyways, are we going to make out now?

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh, we absolutely are.

NICK: She gives you a big hug and holds both of your shoulders out.

NICK (as Nolaa): But first, are you okay? Are you doing alright?

LILIT (as Xianna): In like what context?

NICK (as Nolaa): Um, I guess I’m interested physically, emotionally and spiritually?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Uh, physically I am doing good. The toes are all healed up, or like, I should say where the toes were, they’re all healed up now.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very nice. No problems there. I have not been shot at in a while, so that is good.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s out of character for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it was mostly because the last thing that we encountered was a creature that did not have a blaster.

NICK (as Nolaa): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I was smart. I went up into a tree so I could just throw grenades down at it, and it attacked Tink not me.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s a good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Work smarter not harder, you know.

NICK (as Nolaa): I love that boy, but please make sure that he gets attacked more often than you. I think he can take a hit better.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is a very large person. But um… emotionally, I think I am doing okay. I have been watching a lot of those self-help videos and trying to connect and understand my commitment issues and my issues of childhood and abandonment, and I think I am getting into a good place.

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s really good to hear. I’m glad you’re taking that time for yourself, and you should know I’ll be here for you. Like, you can take your time and really work through it in a healthy way. That’s alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Thank you. I will message you about those things, like my feelings.

NICK (as Nolaa): Right. I mean, you said the word propose a little while ago and didn’t look nauseous, so that’s good. Right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because if you do the proposing then I don’t have to worry about it.

NICK (as Nolaa): Wait. We’re not gonna have another toothbrush situation, are we?

NICK: Her face looks very serious for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you mean like I would say no?

NICK (as Nolaa): No, I mean like you would laugh at me and say no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… you’re worried about me laughing at you.

NICK (as Nolaa): Yeah. That’s what you did when I asked if you wanted to leave some stuff at my place.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Okay, I just… I promise that if you propose to me and I say no I will not laugh while doing it.

NICK (as Nolaa): I don’t feel super better about that, but like, that wasn’t really on my mind anyway. The ring just kinda happened. Anyway, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying that I don’t know if I am ready to get married or anything right now. If I ever want to be truly married or if I just want to have a committed partner for life, I don’t know, I am just saying…

NICK (as Nolaa): That’s fine. I wasn’t even thinking about it until you handed me a ring and you kinda freaked me out a little and now we’re talking about it and this has gotten—Do you wanna just make out?

LILIT (as Xianna): I didn’t think you would think a ring that small was going to be for a proposal. I would steal you such a gigantic ring if I was going to do that. Now I’m a little insulted that you thought I would propose with just a plain band. No, I would go through like a massive heist and get like a massive gigantic ring with a beautiful crystal, and I would almost die, and I’m pretty sure Tink would die in the heist, and we would have to have a funeral for him… and then I would give you the ring. But again, I don’t think I’m going to do the proposing. I think you will.

NICK: Nolaa snaps her fingers in front of your face.

NICK (as Nolaa): Okay. Okay twinkle toes. Come back to me. You’ve gone very far down this hole. Are you back?


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m just saying, I feel like that is how it would happen, but again…

NICK (as Nolaa): That does sound right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think you would do better at the proposing than me, because like… like I just said, mine would probably involve the death of at least one person.

NICK (as Nolaa): Noted… and trust that I’m not going to spring that on you. We would have a conversation first, and then the proposal would be a surprise, but I would make sure that that’s a commitment you would wanna do before I did it. Also, again, now I’m the person talking about it and I wasn’t thinking about it before and I really did just kinda want… like, I wanted to check on you, but I also deserve kisses like now.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do deserve kisses. I am just saying that, like, it is a conversation that we should maybe have at some other point later on in our relationship, because like… when I get actually married for real, if I do, I would like it to be nice, and with somebody I love, and not somebody that I plan to steal from.

NICK: Nolaa grabs the front lapel of your coat and pulls you in.

NICK (as Nolaa): Well I do love you, twinkle toes.

NICK: And she gives you a big old kiss.

LILIT: Xianna pulls back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I love you too, mon shu shu. Okay, let’s go make out in the bathroom for a little bit.

[music changes to slow slinky jazz]

NICK: We get a clock wipe and we see Nolaa walking out of the pizza restaurant where Tink and Karma are sitting on a bench outside. Tink is messing with his com and Karma is just watching the traffic. Nolaa is adjusting her blouse and winks at Xianna.

NICK (as Nolaa): Maybe don’t wait so long next time before you all come back. I always do love to see y’all.

NICK: And she turns and walks away very jauntily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nolaa! Nolaa, wait! You said that, you know, you need to stay low-key with this whole mission we’re about to do, but… I may have already ordered jackets that say NDA on the back which stands for Nolaa’s Dildo Adventure. Is that okay? I can try to return the jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): Um… go ahead and keep those jackets. We’ll find something to wear them to.

NICK: And she smiles real big. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll put them in the closet with the other ones we order.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes ,our adventure jackets. Collect them all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, there was the adventure jackets and the iHappy ones.

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckles] Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And the ones we have ordered for a possible safari somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I can’t wait for the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): And then there were the ones that we ordered for Karma’s birthday. We have to stop ordering jackets.

NICK (as Nolaa): I’m gonna be honest, with my specialization in logistics, all of those are gonna show up at the same time and you’re gonna have too many jackets.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll figure it out. We’ll figure it out.

NICK (as Nolaa): Either way… you all stay frosty.

NICK: And she turns and walks away after throwing finger guns.

LILIT: Xianna turns to the group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Alright, let’s go experience some jizz!

HUDSON: [snickers]


NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LILIT: [giggles]

## Outro

LILIT: Thank you for listening to Tabletop Squadron… Um?

[static buzzing interrupts and grows more intense]

What the… fuck is…? What?!

[promo begins, upbeat music]

Chemistro: Alright Cupid, are we recording?

[bird-like animal screeches]

Good! Hey listener, tis I, Chemistro the Match Mage, coming to you from the depths of the crystal sphere where I have been imprisoned. The eons are long here, and to stay sane I have put out the call to wizards across the multiverse… wizards that want to meet other wizards!

SPEAKER 1: I seek, first and foremost, some person who might challenge me in organization.

SPEAKER 2: I would just love to sit down and talk about dark magic over a cup of coffee, or a cup of evil, which is a beverage I invented… mostly made of coffee.

SPEAKER 3: Yes, I did spend a long stint in the sultan’s dungeons for orchestrating a plot against his life, but that is my want as a vizier.

SPEAKER5: You see, I think the teeth are sort of the window to the soul.

Chemistro: Wizard Seeking Wizard is a dating podcast for wizards by wizards featuring personal ads sent in by the magical community where you get to vote on which wizards date each other. Follow us on Twitter at @wiz4wiz or find us wherever you pluck your podcasts from the ether.

… I think that went well. What do you think, Cupid?

[bird-like animal screeches, static interference pulses and fades]

LILIT: Well… okay. That was weird, but anyways.

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

PDF download: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 20:
Popsicle Delights

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

When this episode releases, the state we live in, Texas, will still be experiencing the effects of a once in a generation winter storm that has devastated many. Millions of people are without power, running water, or any way to heat their homes. In the show notes will be links to various mutual aid networks that are doing what they can to help. Please consider donating if you can.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 20, a thrilling jaunt through the stars that everyone enjoys and nothing ever goes wrong. I am your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we met up go ahead and let the audience know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to say I just appreciate all our listeners out there. I think you’re looking great and doing great.

NICK: Aww.

HUDSON: And if you smash that Like button then you get an extra greeting with every episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: Y’all are looking really, really good right now. Sexy as hell.


LILIT: Hudson, I regret to inform you that we are not a YouTube channel.

HUDSON: [disappointed] Ohh…

CAMERON: Remember to hit that bell.

LILIT: You don’t have to hit the bell.

NICK: I hit a bell, though. What did that do?

LILIT: You can’t comment below.

HUDSON: You turned off comments, Nick.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: I mean, not a bad idea most of the time.

LILIT: You didn’t turn off comments, you turned off notifications.

HUDSON: Ah, you did, yep.


LILIT: So you won’t get notified every time we release a new episode. [laughs]

HUDSON: Yeah. You can sign up for our, like, mail service. Every time we release a new episode we actually have this letter service where we hand-write letters and send them out to everybody who signed up.

CAMERON: Oh my gosh.

NICK: This is not true.


NICK: Wonderful.

LILIT: Hudson, you’re gonna get us in trouble.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some experience points. I bought another rank of Feral Strength on my Marauder talent tree.

NICK: Well, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Aw, we’re triplets today.

NICK: Aww. Well, when we last left off…

[light and groovy explorer’s type music begins]

You had provoked a malsoom to leave its nest and attack you, managed to kill it without really getting hurt very much, except for Tink, and investigated this crashed greenhouse on what was once a herdship floating above the planet of Ithor, and found your way to the Stone Breaker tablet, which is the first artifact that you ever saw at the beginning of your adventure, and have pulled it from the hands of a dead poacher in the greenhouse. That’s where we’re gonna start. You all are standing in the woods. You have a Force-sensitive item now.

[music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay so, with this Stone Breaker tablet, I feel like it needs like a case or a cover, kind of like a tablet or phone cover. Well, tablet, there we go. So, do we get like mole skin? Leather? Do we get the magnetic one that like, you know, you close it and it magnetizes together? Does there need to be a hole for the cameras?

CAMERON (as Karma): We need to get one of the ones with the magic keyboards that just kinda magnets to it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, like that. I mean, is there accessories? Can we get a detachable keyboard with it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we put stickers on it?

HUDSON (as Tink): We could probably put stickers on it. Does it handle spray paint well?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): What about under glows?

HUDSON (as Tink): Under glows on the Stone Breaker tablet. I love it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which side?

HUDSON (as Tink): The underside.

LILIT (as Xianna): The bottom?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I guess I’m picturing it set down on something in which case you’re kinda ruining the under glows, but I guess if you’re holding it…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you could put it on the back. Ooh! We put two little tiny, tiny little legs on the bottom, just like little buttons almost, so it’s raised up just a centimeter or two so the under glow light still spills out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That also helps prevent it from overheating, so that’s a good one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is important.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but for case, I was just gonna grab the one that we passed on the way in here that it had been in previously.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, that’s fine, saves us money.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can still add stickers.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! I have stickers back in my room.

NICK: As you all are having this conversation, you’re walking back through the jungle and you pass the large durasteel crate that had been cracked open, and you’re able to place it in there if you want. It is a lot bigger than the tablet itself is, but you could put it in a big box if that is something that you would like to do.

CAMERON: I’mma put it in a box.

NICK: Okay, so now you’re carrying a durasteel crate. You walk out of the greenhouse and back out into this open space past the corpse of this malsoom. Its fur has lost some of its luster since you went inside but is still iridescent and blown by the wind a little bit as you continue into the jungle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did we have a plan for that thing?

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought the earth would just reclaim it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eventually yeah, but I meant like, you know, more near-term.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I figured we would just take the whole thing and then sell it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was thinking along those lines. I was just thinking the hide though. I wasn’t… I don’t think we can get that whole thing back to the ship, or in the ship.

NICK: We get a zoomed out shot of Xianna patting it on the hip and looking up at the multiple meters of additional height of this collapses beast, like “yeah, we’ll just carry it!”

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured we would get some sort of hover lift and bring it back, you know? I just figured if we’re going to steal part of it we should just steal the entire thing, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): At this point I don’t think we’re stealing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we are, because we are here illegally, and against the wishes of the Ithorian people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because you know this is their land, and you know, then we killed this creature, and yes it was trying to kill us, but at the same time we are technically poaching. So I just figured if we’re going to be illegal poachers we should just, you know, go all the way, go whole bantha.

CAMERON (as Karma): Just really lean into that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Really lean into it, because like, it feels wasteful to just take part of it. I just figured we either would leave the entire thing to be reclaimed by nature or we take the whole thing and just be full criminals.

NICK: We get a screen wipe to Karma and Xianna and Tink walking through the woods trailed by HK carrying a giant rolled-up skin that’s bigger than he is on his back. He’s tottering after you. [laughs] You have claimed what resources from the malsoom skin you could. As you continue along the trail back towards where you parked your ship, you see Meelo jump out of the woods.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh wow, you poached the hell out of that thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we told you that we were competent.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, but… there’s lots of competent people around, or there were, and you probably saw the results of some of their competence. They’re dead now. So the fact that it’s dead, and you’re not, and you were able to give it a haircut is pretty impressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Karma did the haircut.

HUDSON (as Tink): You must have not realized, we’re the competentest.

NICK (as Meelo): Ah, the competentest. Is that some sort of special title that you earn from some sort of certification committee?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, it’s an organic colloquial term that people just know us by. It’s a few levels above omnipotent or impotent. You know, it just goes up the ranks.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, competentest is like… can see and affect things throughout the galaxy through your sheer awesome.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think that’s omnipotent though, but… ell, I’ll have to look at the words. There’s a lot of, uh, levels.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, either way, congratulations… I suppose. You’ve done it, and without my careful helping guidance I think you would have not been successful, so now it’s time to hold up your end of the deal and get me off of this rock.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You all packed?

NICK (as Meelo): I’ll be honest, I need about 20 minutes, because I thought you were going to die, so I didn’t pack up the Crate Dragon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Well I’m kinda hurt, but we have to figure out how to get this into the ship anyway, so you probably have time.

NICK (as Meelo): Did you become wounded by the malsoom, the terrifying creature that’s haunted and hunted me for the last year?

CAMERON (as Karma): Only Tink.

NICK (as Meelo): Only Tink?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You okay there, buddy?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’ve been worse. I’ll just say that. I have definitely ben worse.

NICK: There’s a hole in your shoulder that has some venom still leaking from it with obvious points of stim packs being stuck around it to keep you moving, and Meelo looks you up and down.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. Really? That’s, uh… I’m so sorry. That’s bad.

LILIT: Xianna gestures at Tink’s one leg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you not notice that the leg is replaced?

NICK (as Meelo): It’s a dangerous galaxy. People lose limbs pretty regularly. That’s not necessarily something. But people don’t get chomped on by giant poisonous monsters regularly, so if worse has happened…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… it has happened more than you think it would.

NICK (as Meelo): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): At least twice.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay sure. Well, if you wanna go back to the ship and load up, I’ll pack real quick and I’ll just meet you there?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

NICK (as Meelo): Cool. Please, please, please, please, please don’t leave me. I will be back as soon as I can.

NICK: And he sprints off into the woods.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is so concerned about us leaving him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, hey, what if we—

LILIT (as Xianna): It would kind of be a little funny if we did.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was about to say, could we just do it?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. No!

LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just hide the ship for a few moments and let him think that we left?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we show back up.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can get it on video, him just sitting there crying about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever tell your friend to ‘get in bitch’ into the speeder, and then right as they almost get in you just speed up a little bit so they can’t get in. And you just do that a few times.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is so mean!

LILIT (as Xianna): And then you let them in and then you go shopping.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… We’ll end up going shopping though, Karma. That’s how these things end.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You buy them like a smoothie or something later.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers] No!

NICK (as HK): This organic sent us to our presumed death. It would be applicable if we caused them emotional pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): or we just make him sleep in Sabos’s room.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK gets it, like—Ohh. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it’s haunted.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re probably right, but that’s a little dark.

NICK: So you’re headed back to the ship. HK is plodding after you carrying this giant skin. You get to the ship, and… what do you do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s strap this baby up. We got some ropes and bungees? Some bungee cords?

CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna put it in the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): You were tying it to the outside of the ship? That’s not gonna go well when we go to hyperspace.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s true. It’ll just disintegrate.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not going to go well when we leave atmosphere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a very valid point. We’re gonna do that before hyperspace.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would burn up, poof, go away.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. Alright, well, putting it in will work. It’s gonna be smelly though. Could we put it in somewhere that’s not the main area?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we could put it in the wine cellar, because it’s like cooler. It would maybe help prevent the decay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’ll fit.

HUDSON (as Tink): If we chop it, it will.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you can move those wine racks around. They pop into the walls to make space.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I was thinking like the speeder room, because it’s right off the entrance ramp and then we don’t have to carry this through the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we climate control the speeder room?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure. This ship is so freaking fancy, Xianna. We can do whatever we want.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I was just making sure, because the wine cellar is also right there. I don’t know why they put the wine cellar next to the speeder garage, but…

NICK: While you all are talking, HK clomps up the ramp carrying this giant rolled up skin and turns to the side and looks into the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Surprised Statement: Holy kriff. Did y’all remember that there are speeders in here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s why we called it the speeder room.

NICK (as HK): Have we had these the whole time?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think so.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I think. Yeah, I think the whole time you’ve been with us we’ve had them. I don’t remember exactly when we got them, actually.

NICK (as HK): Oh. Well, I guess that’s a thing. That’s good to know. Maybe we would have used speeders in the past, but… I’ll just chuck this in here I suppose. Or the wine cellar. Make a choice quickly. I may not have organic muscles, but this is very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we are putting it in here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Speeder room is a go.

NICK: So HK lifts it above his head and just chucks it into the room where it unfurls over the speeders like a drop cloth but very shiny.

[ominous music begins]

LILIT: From out in the hallway you can hear the wine cellar door opening up and you can hear the wine racks lifting up out of the floor, and you hear them pop up, and then after a second you just hear Xianna be like:

LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff? Tink?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, what? What is it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

[ominous music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you fucking replace all of the wine with… with the popsicles?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I needed a place for my excess popsicles, and this seemed like the right kind of thing. I mean, it’s just a bunch of grape juice when you look at it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did it all go?!

[emotional music begins]

Tink… Tink, there were bottles in here that were like 100 years old. Do you know how much it was all worth? I was going to drink half and sell the other half.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… If it’s 100 years old that’s clearly expired.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh Tink, that’s not how the wine works. Where did it go? Tink, where did it go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well… [exhales]

LILIT: Xianna is now right in front of Tink and holding onto his hair, and she’s just kind of leaned up.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tiiink! Tink, tell me where did you put the wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s long gone by now. I put it in the airlock and it went flying.

LILIT: Xianna collapses on the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink! That was so much money, and so much wine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you know, life isn’t about money and wine, it’s about friendship and—

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s all it is about! It is… All life is is money and wine. Tink! [sobs] It’s so sticky in there. Why is it so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): Some of them melted. I got the temperature readings wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): But they’re in, like, baggies. And containers. How are they so sticky?

HUDSON (as Tink): I eat half of them and then put them back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why do you eat only half a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sometimes I’m not hungry enough for a full one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, he’s not allowed to do this.

CAMERON (as Karma): Allowed to do what?

CAMERON: Karma’s walking up the ramp of the ship having missed this conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): He took all the wine away and put popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you even put popsicles in the wine cellar? The wine cellar is like 5 Celsius. It is not cold enough to freeze the popsicles.

HUDSON (as Tink): They just get a little mushy. But you know, honestly… Okay, Xianna, you say the wine’s gone, but I’m seeing a lot of whine in here right now.

[emotional music ends abruptly]

LILIT (as Xianna): [still sobbing] Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, if you had popsicles in here why did you need so much space in the freezers?

HUDSON (as Tink): [withdrawn] For more popsicles…

CAMERON (as Karma): How many did you buy?!

LILIT (as Xianna): You made me get rid of my frozen meals. They had the little brownie in the tray.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you know those are garbage.

LILIT (as Xianna): Those are the best ones! Yes, I know they are for children, but I like them a lot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is that the one with the chicken nuggies?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): They’ve got the tip-yip nuggies.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aww.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the little mac and cheese, and a veggie that I often ignore, and then a brownie. Sometimes they have a little apple spice thing. That’s good too. Karma, make him throw out the popsicles.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales] Okay, so this is one situation where I don’t think that, like… throwing out the popsicles isn’t going to fix the fact that he’s already thrown out the wine. Then we’re just out more money.

LILIT (as Xianna): It would make me feel better though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not a good enough reason. I think it would be a huge waste, and we should just all have a popsicle and calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine, but you have to take out your popsicles from the main freezer. Okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You can only have one space for popsicles. You need to consolidate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… Once I look up what consolidate means I’ll be sure to do that.

NICK: At this point you hear the clanking of boots on the entry ramp and Meelo pokes his head into the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow, nice place you got here.

NICK: He has a giant durasteel crate with backpack straps on his back, just like a cube that doesn’t look like it should be able to be held that way. He looks into the doorway of where you all are.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh! Nice popsicle cellar. Swanky!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. You look like a really shiny delivery person.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, the delivery’s… me. Ready to get out of the jungle. Sure would be cool. Can I have a popsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, of course. We’re actually trying to eat these down to make room for new kinds of popsicles.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you’re trying to consolidate?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as Meelo): Great. Toss me one.

HUDSON: I throw a popsicle and they catch it like an anime.

NICK: Yep. They catch it, but it also, it’s the shape of a popsicle, but when they catch it the top and bottom half fold around their hand in the package because these are very barely slushy at this point. Meelo makes a face and then tears open the top.

NICK (as Meelo): Eh, I mean I’ll drink a popsicle. I’m not proud.

NICK: And starts to chug it and then sets this big crate down in the doorway.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, it looks like you managed to get that malsoom skin all loaded up, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

CAMERON: Karma walks out of the now popsicle cellar, pauses at the doorway, fixes the temperature settings to now be a popsicle cellar…

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, you don’t want to refreeze something that’s thawed. That’s against quality guidelines.

LILIT: Xianna is still on the floor wiping her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because when they make them in the factory they freeze them at a very, very low temperature very fast, so it prevents the formation of ice crystals, so when you refreeze them in a regular freezer it takes longer so the ice crystals form.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, exactly. Xianna knows her popsicles.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): You must really like popsicles. You’re the one who made the popsicle freezer, aren’t you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh…

CAMERON: Karma leaves the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no… I don’t know why I learned that, actually. I didn’t have a lot of frozen foods growing up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I see.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just always so hot that there is no way you can transport the popsicles from the store to your house without them melting, so you just kind of eat them at the store.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That sounds like a nice little treat as you’re walking around throwing food in your basket.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we would steal them, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): You would like take the popsicles, hide them in your coat, and then you would go to the bathroom. You would eat the popsicles there and then you would throw them away, and then that’s not shoplifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): A little five-finger discount going, even a ten-finger discount.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It was a very popular activity amongst all of my friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hoodlums.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON: Karma has closed up the entrance ramp and is walking back with the crate that the Stone Breaker’s in with HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do y’all… Do y’all wanna get out of the freezer?

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Yes.

NICK: It has gotten noticeably colder in there since Karma adjusted the temperature.

CAMERON (as Karma): Come on. Meelo, we can choose your room.

NICK (as Meelo): Choose my…? Wow! You have multiple births? This is a swanky ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Do you have a bed shape preference?

LILIT (as Xianna): There are eight rooms, but one of them is mine so you can’t have that one, and I guess Karma and Tink also have rooms, so there’s really five rooms for you to choose from. Just be warned that one of them is very weird and sticky and you shouldn’t go in there. Also it’s haunted, so…

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. I would like to avoid the haunted sticky room, please, but otherwise don’t have much of a preference.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. How about this one?

CAMERON: Karma opens up one of the doors at random that’s not one of the four that we called out.

NICK: Yeah, it’s just a normal room with two bunks and a little wet bar and a little on-suite refresher, because these are very nice births. Meelo says…

NICK (as Meelo): Wow! These are like captain’s quarters on most ships.

NICK: …and starts to walk in and drops his big crate with a very loud clang, and it doesn’t bounce or move. It’s very heavy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. This ship used to be a party yacht.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it still is a party yacht, we just haven’t been partying lately.

CAMERON (as Karma): It kinda still is, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): True.

CAMERON: Karma takes the crate with the Stone Breaker and is gonna go store it somewhere.

NICK: Yeah. There’s plenty of places to put it down around the ship.

CAMERON: I think Karma just carries it in and sets the crate in the living room, like out of the walkways but it’s in the same room.

NICK: Do you keep it with the Spirit Breaker?


NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: Just forming a collection area.

NICK: Cool. Where are you keeping them?

CAMERON: I think the Spirit Breaker has been just sitting in the middle of the living room on the coffee table in one of those decorative bowls where people put glass balls, and it’s just sitting in there with some normal glass balls.

NICK: Okay. So, as you get closer to the Spirit Breaker, carrying this crate, you can feel an aura almost. It’s kind of like when you press two same pole magnets together but less intense, and with magnets it gets really strong as you get closer and really weak very quickly, and this one’s a constant push where you can feel extra resistance against the crate. It’s like on the edge of your hearing you can almost hear something as they get closer together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh…

CAMERON: Karma just sets down the crate against the wall in the living room.

NICK: The Spirit Breaker in the decorative bowl with other glass spheres rattles once and then goes still. As soon as you let go of the crate you stop hearing the noise.

CAMERON: Karma glances back and forth between the two of them for a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…

CAMERON: And turns around and heads back to where everybody else is in the ship. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] You all strap into seats around the ship. Meelo makes himself comfortable in his birth. Karma, you get ready to fly the Afternoon Delight back out of the Ithorian jungle and into space. I’m gonna need a Piloting check from you.

CAMERON: Great. What’s the difficulty on the Piloting check?

NICK: It’s gonna be average this time, because you know generally what you need to do and you’ve done it once before.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. Great. So, describe your path as you wind your way through the sensor bubbles without being detected and make it back into orbit.

CAMERON: I think it’s a pretty straight-shot path, but for no reason, probably, the ship is going straight up but doing the spinning, just as it’s going up, because it looks cool.

NICK: So you make it out into orbit and you punch to hyperspace and quickly leave orbit just in case anything around was detecting you, and fall back out of hyperspace in a deserted corner of the galaxy. As you float through the darkness you all have a chance to stop and plan. We cut to all of y’all in the hot tub including Meelo who looks extremely comfortable.

NICK (as Meelo): So uh… where are you gonna drop me off exactly? I like y’all, but it’s time for me to get back to my wife and kids, and I need to figure out how to plan to get there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where do you need to end up?

NICK (as Meelo): Uh, well the family’s on Sullust, but any major spaceport will get me home. I just need to know so I can start planning, because I don’t have a ton of money, so I’m probably gonna have to do a little work to get ready to go. I just like to know what the plan is, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hey Xianna, do you know where Nolaa is at the moment?

[cute and gentle electronic music begins]

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is leaned over the side of the hot tub just texting away on the coms and leans back a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, Nolaa is in Coruscant right now. I can’t tell you what she’s doing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why can’t you tell us what she’s doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): I just can’t! She said I can’t say. But she’s in Coruscant.

HUDSON (as Tink): What does it rhyme with? What does what she’s doing rhyme with?

LILIT (as Xianna): Smarson…

HUDSON (as Tink): Smarson…?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): I do not know what smarson is.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): I bet you that Nolaa didn’t tell Xianna and that’s why she can’t say, because their relationship was damaged earlier.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay HK, calm down.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, we have been working on that, and we have been having talks about communication and commitment issues and all of that, and I feel like we are at a very good place.

NICK (as HK): I still do not understand the significance of the toothbrush.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, HK… [exhales]

NICK (as HK): Is it because you can use it to stab people?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, partially, because it was a shank as well so you could, but it is more about the symbolism of the relationship than it was about the specific physical toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and it’s actually about the physical toothbrush, because if it’s a shank then it can hurt intruders, so really you just gave a gift.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated sounds] No, I don’t think Nolaa appreciated it because specifically it was a shank.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well she did, it was just also that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): She may have appreciated the fact that was funny, but that wasn’t why she was happy that Xianna gave it to her.

NICK (as HK): Yes Tink, never forget the old nursery rhyme: vibro-blades and stones will hurt my bones but a toothbrush will never hurt me.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, there’s a lot of ways you can kill a person with a toothbrush.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. It’s an old Mandalorian saying, so…

[gentle electronic music fades]

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. Yes. Nolaa is on Coruscant, and since she had the yellow dildo crystal thingy or whatever, hopefully she just hasn’t fenced it yet and we can go and we can get it, or you know if she has fenced it we just figure out who she sold it to and we steal it back.

NICK: Meelo is just watching this conversation, turning his head back and forth, completely out of his depth and very confused.

CAMERON: Karma turns back to Meelo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Coruscant work for you?

[gentle electronic music returns]

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I guess. If you’re buying sex toys, that’s cool I guess. Like, have fun with that. I don’t… Is the thing you found on Ithor a sex toy?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t believe so.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean anything can be a sex toy if you try hard enough.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t know that.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you?

CAMERON (as Karma): But I don’t… No, I don’t think so.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not its intended purpose.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

[gentle electronic music fades]

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Well yeah, I guess we could go to Coruscant. Um… Sullust isn’t super close to there, but it’s like the biggest spaceport in the galaxy, so it should be pretty easy for me to hitch a lift there. I think I have some contacts too. I just need to make it there in one piece.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably make that happen.

HUDSON (as Tink): We can’t promise all of these things, but we can give loose… what is it, like loose guarantees.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why we wouldn’t arrive to Coruscant in one piece.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we’re getting chased by the people from Ithor?

LILIT: Xianna leans in to Meelo and just quietly says:

LILIT (as Xianna): Meelo, it seems like you maybe have a lot of commitment issues and that you expect those around you to betray you, and I can give you some good videos to watch about learning how to overcome that and trust people again.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. I was just really, really worried about being left alone in the jungle, but maybe there is more to it than that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well look, commitment issues often come from a real place of trauma and a real event, but you have to understand that same event is not going to keep happening over and over, and you have to move past it and accept it and learn from the situation and remember that you can trust most people in your life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The likelihood of you being on another herdship that gets shot down by the Empire is rather low I think.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, see, that wasn’t the situation that was so bad. Well, I mean, that was a big scary ship crash. That was pretty bad. But it was the amount of times that I saw people down on the planet and they shot at me rather than help me. That’s really why I was a little concerned about our relationship. But I do think that those are some pretty good rules to realize and live by.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know Meelo, you have to be introspective before you can be extrospective, and never forget that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh, and if you want any videos on how to properly hide glitterstim in a room I can send you those too. I don’t know why they were in the same playlist, but you know, is both helpful.

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, I am a smuggler, so I’m pretty good at hiding things already…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean yes, but sometimes, you know, you are always learning new things about your trade and your craft, and I didn’t realize some of these things, like ways to remove crown molding and hollow it out and then replace it. Never knew that one.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that’s pretty good actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

NICK (as Meelo): That had not occurred to me. I like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly. I know!

NICK (as Meelo): And your ship has a lot of crown molding.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh. Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): How many other ships have crown molding, though? It’s so strange the amount of wood that’s on this one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly the fancy ones. Mostly just the party yachts, and you would be surprised by how many party yachts I have had to hide drugs in.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think I’d actually be that surprised.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Now that I say it, it seems pretty typical for me.

CAMERON (as Karma): That tracks.

NICK (as HK): And who would expect a party yacht to be filled with super-fun drugs?

CAMERON: Karma raises her hand.

NICK (as HK): Yes, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I was saying that I would expect the party yacht to be full of drugs.

NICK (as HK): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, it’s actually a very well-known thing. That is why you have to hide it so much, because sometimes the fuzz busts in and tries to bust you and you have to pretend that you had no idea what was happening. “There are drugs? Officer, I had no idea.”

NICK (as HK): Oh, secondary user Xianna. The fuzz, that is when you “cheese it” if I recall from our previous lessons.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You throw things at them and yell scatter and everybody runs away.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you see cherry toppers you gotta run.

NICK: So Meelo climbs out of the hot tub and he’s wearing little swim trunks with loth-cats on them. You’re not sure where he got them from, but maybe somewhere on the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, this has been fun, but I’m pretty tired after finally being rescued from that terrifying jungle where I had to fight for my life every day, so I think I’m gonna go take a nap until we get to Coruscant I guess. Thanks for the lift, y’all. Please don’t pump all the air out of my room or lock me up or kick me out of an airlock.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the videos Xianna suggested might be good.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I’m realizing now as I say that, that’s a pretty…

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah… Xianna, here’s my com number. Could you just send me the link to those?

LILIT: Xianna punches in some numbers and stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Here you go. I also sent you a playlist for easy recipes to make in a microwave.

NICK: [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): I mean, those are pretty understandably related. That makes sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I just, you know, it’s good to have.

NICK: His com beeps in a friendly way, and he looks a little confused for a second.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh yeah, I didn’t have com access for so long that now that it works again it’s kinda surprising to hear the beeping. But great, thanks you guys, and I’ll see you later.

NICK: And off he goes. HK watches Meelo walk out of the room. His body doesn’t move, but his head pivots 270 degrees as he leaves, and he turns back and says:

NICK (as HK): That organic seems suspicious.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of us? Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think he is just lonely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Does this require investigation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, okay, not this time. This isn’t the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not suspicious enough.

LILIT: Xianna perks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh. Nolaa is aware that we are going to come visit.

LILIT: And holds up the coms, and you can see in the text chat that Xianna sent spaceship, Coruscant flag emoji, kissy face, and then the person emojis for Gigoran, Nautolan, Twi’lek, with an arrow.


LILIT: Then Nolaa has replied “great, see you soon, xoxo.” [laughs]

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): See? We are going to go do things. You can’t look at the other messages.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, why not?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Partially because of the smarson, wink-wink, and partially because it is private.

HUDSON (as Tink): Privacy is a foreign concept to me.

LILIT: Xianna looks back down at the coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! She says she will take us out to pizza. She knows a good place.

CAMERON (as Karma): It has been a long time since I’ve had pizza.

NICK (as HK): Karma, when was the last time that you consumed pizza for your weak organic frame?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay, don’t appreciate that comment on my frame, but I don’t remember?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you count pizza days at the prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not real pizza.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was okay.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We had pizza back at the resort…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): …when we did that. Yeah. Okie, so Nolaa is going to take us out for pizza and then we will figure out where the yellow crystal thingy is. I don’t remember if we got a real name for it. Then once we figure out where it is we will go get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the dildo was called the Space Breaker.

NICK: Yep.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it will break some spaces if you know what I mean. Ha-ha!

CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Yup.

LILIT: Xianna does finger guns.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um…

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll look it up. I’ll look it up online.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, look it up maybe.

NICK (as HK): Answer to Query: Tink, that is because they have been saying that it looks like a toy used for sexual congress and it is a euphemism for using that toy as it is designed on a regular basis.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you don’t have to. He can look it up by himself. So anyways, does that sound like a good plan?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.

NICK: We get an outside view of the ship floating in space, and then after a brief and beautiful look of all the stars around, the ship jumps to hyperspace again as Karma changes the heading to go towards Coruscant. The next thing that we see is the ship coming in to land on Coruscant, swooping down onto a public landing pad, and you all exiting the ship. Meelo leaves with his large crate on some straps and waves in a friendly way to you before walking off and being quickly lost in the crowd.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. Let’s go see about some pizza and dildos.

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 19 CRITical Decisions

PDF download: S2 Episode 19 CRITical Decisions

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 19:
CRITical Decisions

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We have a new patron this week. Joran Winge, thank you so much for your support of the show. Tink has been talking about the effectiveness of riding people’s shoulders into battle again, and for the sake of everyone I’d really appreciate if you talked him out of it. He’s in the cargo bay… riding HK’s shoulders.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 19! … Apparently. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful! Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I hopefully won’t be playing myself too hard, but today I’ll actually be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Fantastic. Yeah, don’t play yourself.

HUDSON: Don’t play ya’self.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Don’t play with yourself. [laughs]

HUDSON: I will not do that either.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Also don’t do that during recording.

LILIT: Leave room for Sabos, okay?

HUDSON: Leave room for Sabos.


NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Before we get into the recap, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: Two light side.


NICK: Nice!

[groovy western style music begins]

When we last left off you all had landed on Ithor, found a new friend named Meelo Smee, also found a brand new party member in Little Tink the action figure. You had set up an ambush for a molsoom that had apparently taken over the greenhouse where the Oracle had been living, and you decided that the only way to get into the greenhouse and investigate would be to fight this molsoom and remove it as a threat so that you could go and try to find the Stone Breaker, which is the Force-sensitive item that you were here to collect in the first place at the behest of Sentinel. That’s where we’re going to kick it off.

We open on an empty field of rubble. There are small stands of trees around the perimeter. Some larger piles of rubble and some low twisted metal that makes for good cover is scattered as well. A horrible clicking roar pierces the quiet jungle air of Ithor as the most dangerous predator on the planet crashes through an opening of the ruined greenhouse. What was once a peaceful seat of wisdom for the Ithorians and their Oracle is now a den of broken glass and shattered trees. Charging out of this den is the molsoom, your quarry.

Karma, you’re in cover at the edge of the clearing. As this monster begins to come into view, what does it look like as you get ready for this fight?

CAMERON: Karma is doing the typical action hero prepping for an ambush thing of standing with her back against the tree on the opposite side from where the molsoom is coming from, just holding her carbine, just up, so that she can dramatically swing around whenever it actually comes out of the greenhouse.

NICK: Cool. Xianna, you’re in a tree.

LILIT: I am indeed.

NICK: Heh. You’re slightly into this open space. You climbed up a tree after firing your blaster into the greenhouse to anger the molsoom. How are you preparing?

LILIT: Well Nick… I have a gun.


NICK: Great.

LILIT: And I’m in a tree. Xianna is perched up at least a few meters up into the tree, in like the crook of a few branches, has her blaster out in one hand and is definitely holding a grenade in the other.

NICK: Ready to go. Tink, you’re crouched behind a piece of rubble. You’re much nearer to the greenhouse entrance. How do you react as this giant monster charges out?

HUDSON: I look up over the rubble and see the monster coming out, and I clutch Little Tink close to my vibro axe that is clutched close to my chest, and I look, and I find a shinier taller piece of shrapnel about five yards away that provides better cover.

NICK: You action roll to a newer, larger piece of shrapnel to hide behind. As you prepare your ambush, the molsoom exits the greenhouse, and as this creature climbs out of the greenhouse and into your ambush HK also takes aim from on top of his rock where he is positioned.

[western music, having grown more fast-paced, ends]

You can see it has long thick claws that pierce the ground and shatter duracrete and durasteel underneath them. This creature is bigger than a bantha. It’s much larger than you expected it to be even with Meelo’s warning. Really, the only way to describe it is it looks like a centipede and a dragon got together to make a surrealist self-portrait. You can see it’s got large fangs and an iridescent pelt that catches the light and shimmers like rainbows on a long and muscled body. It is a weird scary bug dragon that looks like it could really tear somebody apart, and it’s ready to fight. Someone shot into its house and woke it up. It is looking around frantically, and I need you all to roll initiative.

LILIT: I got one success and three advantages.

HUDSON: I got nothing.

NICK: What?!

LILIT: Blank?

HUDSON: I rolled two greens…

CAMERON: And they’re both blank?

HUDSON: [laughing] …and got blanks on both of them.


HUDSON: [laughing] I don’t have any in Cool, but I have 2 in Presence.

NICK: Okay, zero. Karma, what did you get?

CAMERON: I have a success, a triumph, and an advantage.

NICK: Okay. If you could roll two greens for HK please.


NICK: He is not very cool.

CAMERON: Don’t say mean things like that. Three successes.

NICK: See Tink, that’s how you roll two greens.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Cameron, if you could roll me two yellows and two greens please.

CAMERON: Six advantages!

NICK: And if you could do it one more time for me please.

CAMERON: Three successes, four advantages.

NICK: Interesting. Okay. So the order we are going to have is monster, three friends, monster, additional friend.


NICK: So the molsoom kicks off first. It’s going to use some of those advantages to get some blue dice on a Perception check to see if it can find anyone nearby as it whips around much faster than you’re expecting it to be able to for its size, and that’s gonna be a yellow and two green versus—Tink, what’s your Stealth?

HUDSON: Three, and my Agility is 3.

NICK: So versus three red, but he is going to have two blue dice.

CAMERON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Okay. This thing is whipping around, smelling at the air, trying to figure out where its attacker is, and it can’t manage to find anything, so now it’s standing in the open right where you wanted it to. Your ambush is as successful as it could possibly be. And it’s a PC slot. What do you do?

HUDSON: I hold up Little Tink and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, Little Tink, where’s its weak spot?

HUDSON: And Little Tink says:

[gentle mystical music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh man, hold on. Let me just tune into its imagination. I think if you just… if we just… you just think about it, what they’re thinking… Their weak spot is the underbelly and only the top part of their neck.” Hmm, what am I gonna do with that?

[mystical music ends]

NICK: Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, roll me a Xenology check, would you?


CAMERON: What is Little Tink’s Xenology stats?

NICK: No, no, no. We’re diving deep into Tink’s subconscious.


HUDSON: Two successes and two threats.

NICK: One of those facts is true.

HUDSON: [laughs] I don’t know this though, right?

NICK: You’re the one talking to yourself with an action figure.

CAMERON: Do you trust yourself?

NICK: Yeah. Do you trust Little Tink?

HUDSON: Yeah. I think they’re both true.

NICK: Okay, then yeah.

HUDSON: I yell out to everyone.

HUDSON (as Tink): The weakness is in the upper part of the neck and the underbelly! Someone do a distraction then me and little guy will do something.

NICK: So it’s still a PC slot. I’m not gonna say that cost a slot to identify a weak point by talking to yourself.


NICK: So if someone wants to attack they can.

LILIT: Xianna is going to take the grenade and throw it at said molsoom.

NICK: So you’re throwing a grenade. We’ll say you’re at medium range.

LILIT: Can I aim? I’m aiming.

NICK: [exhales]


LILIT: [gasps] Ah-ha~ I have a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Do you want to use that triumph to crit or to activate Blast?

LILIT: Let’s use it for a crit.

NICK: Okie-dokie, so we’ll need to roll a d100. We’ll just do the biological crit chart not the ship chart.

CAMERON: Okay, good.

HUDSON: It’s not a ship, is it?

CAMERON: [laughs] The molsoom’s engine breaks down.

LILIT: The base damage for a grenade is 8.

NICK: Eight base damage. That’ll be 12 damage coming at it, which is a solid hit. What did we roll on that crit?

CAMERON: Seventy-three.

NICK: Which is?

LILIT: Seventy-three is Hamstrung: Lose free maneuver until end of encounter.


HUDSON: It can’t move?

NICK: It can, it’s just gonna cost it strain to do it which is not good for it being a melee monster combatant. So, this grenade goes off. What part of the molsoom are you aiming for?

LILIT: I think in Xianna’s logic Xianna would be aiming towards the butt.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Not for any butt-related reasons, but in Xianna’s mind maybe if the explosion goes off near the butt the molsoom will run away.

[electric guitar led metal music begins]

NICK: The grenade bounces right off one of the haunches and then explodes very close. This was a very, very accurate throw of yours. It puts a large burn into the back of its leg, and you can see that it’s really upset, and it seems a little slower, but overall it’s still moving. So it took this grenade and doesn’t even look super injured. Like, you definitely hurt it, it didn’t shrug it off, but it’s still very much ready for a fight, and it continues to look around frantically to find something to attack, because the grenade went off on its butt so it’s not tracing that trajectory particularly well. We have another PC slot.

HUDSON: I start to grab my vibro-axe and Little Tink says:

HUDSON (as Tink): “No, no, no. What are you doing?” I’m about to go melee this boy over here. “You don’t wanna do that. You wanna stare at its underbelly and light fires of flames in your eyes and they’ll transfer. They’ll transfer through the air and they’ll hit the underside.”

[metal music ends]

I’ve never done that before. Um… Medically—I am a doctor, I forgot to mention that to you. Medically, that doesn’t line up with how normal Gigoran bodies work. “Oh no, you can do it, Tink. I believe in you.”

HUDSON: So I stare really hard at the underbelly and really try to focus on thinking about fire, and nothing really happens.


HUDSON: [laughs] Wait, actually. Wait. Can I roll for—



HUDSON: Okay, so nothing happens.

HUDSON (as Tink): Little Tink, I don’t think this is working. I’m just gonna go swing at it. “Alright, suit yourself.”

HUDSON: So I grab my vibro-axe, I put Little Tink in my pocket? And run towards the monster.

NICK: Well you have pouches and stuff.

HUDSON: Oh, good, okay. Is it at a height where I could jump up and get its upper neck with my vibro-axe, or is that too tall?

NICK: It’s upper neck, you would probably have to climb it or jump off of something, but you could hit it from underneath or hit its legs or even its face, but hitting the top of its neck is gonna be really hard. This thing is bigger than an elephant.

HUDSON: Okay. I go for its underbelly and try to do a ‘hiyah’ slice and chop.

NICK: Alright. Make me an attack roll. Tink, this will have a black die, because this does have 1 in Melee Defense, and it is an Adversary 1, so one of your purple dice is upgraded to a red die, so it’ll be one purple, one red and one black.

HUDSON: Two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Nice. So… is that enough to crit?

HUDSON: My axe has Monomolecular Edge as Crit 1.

LILIT: Oh my god.

NICK: Oh… What?!

HUDSON: Wait. Okay, hold on. I just have been not using that for a long time.

LILIT: Have you just never been using that, Hudson?


HUDSON: Yes. A long time I have not used that.


LILIT: That means every single advantage you get is… you could have crit. Every time you had an advantage you could have been critting.

HUDSON: [exasperated and embarrassed wail into his hands]

NICK: Okay, so if it’s Crit 1, this is going to do 10 damage base with your Brawn and the damage your axe does, and because your axe is Crit 1 and you got three advantages you can crit +30 if you want.

HUDSON: I would like to do that.

NICK: Okay, so we need to roll another crit.

CAMERON: This one is a 39, plus 30…

NICK: Which is?

LILIT & HUDSON: [gasps]

CAMERON: Sixty-nine.

LILIT: Sixty-nine!

HUDSON: Sixty-nine. Nice!

NICK: Nice!

LILIT: Nice!

[air horn stinger]

LILIT: Super noice, 69 is Scattered Senses: Gains no boost die until end of encounter.

NICK: Okay, so it won’t be aiming I suppose. So, you hit this thing almost as hard as a grenade. What’s interesting is that you are able to gash this thing’s underbelly open a lot more than the armored outside under the fur would lead you to believe, so it seems like you were right, the underbelly is actually a weak point.

HUDSON: No, I wasn’t right, Little Tink was.

NICK: There is a horrible ear-shattering roar as you draw blood from this creature, and are standing right next to it, and we have one more PC slot.

CAMERON: karma’s gonna pop out from behind her tree and shoot it in the face.

NICK: Okay. Did you set up at medium or long range?

CAMERON: Medium.

NICK: Okay, so you’re pretty close.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m just behind a tree.

NICK: Okie-dokie.

CAMERON: Can I get a blue die because it hasn’t actually gone this encounter?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Because it didn’t, like, hit anybody.

NICK: Yeah, it hasn’t attacked.

CAMERON: It hasn’t attacked. Okay. Then I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: Three successes, five advantages.

NICK: Wow. SO how much damage is that?

CAMERON: Sixteen.

NICK: So you’re able to hit it pretty hard.

CAMERON: And uh… I do crit.

NICK: Are you gonna crit? Yeah. Is yours Crit 3 or Crit 2?

CAMERON: Crit 3.

NICK: Okay, so you don’t get additional, but it is +20 because it’s already been crit on twice.

CAMERON: Oh, Nicholas…


CAMERON: I also add +40 to that +20, because I have 4 ranks of Lethal Blows.


LILIT: Ha-ha-ha~!



NICK: Okay!

CAMERON: So I’m adding 60 to this roll.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So roll a 9.


CAMERON: I will try. A 50, plus 60. [laughs]

LILIT: One-ten is Horrific Injury: Minus 1 penalty to random characteristic until injury is healed. Does someone want to roll a 1d10 for that random characteristic?


HUDSON: I really want it to be emotional stability or…


CAMERON: [laughs] Its Presence is just gone. That is a 10.

LILIT: A 10 is Willpower, so…


NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I was right! Kinda.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Well, it was going to shoot Force Lightning at you, but now it doesn’t have the base stats to really pull that off.


LILIT: Hey, now it has no Vigilance.

NICK: Yeah. [chuckles] So, describe this shot that lowers its Willpower, hurts it very badly. It still seems pretty functional, it’s just you are very rapidly picking it apart with this ambush before it can really get its legs underneath it.

CAMERON: Karma steps out, pivots around the tree, head tails do a really dramatic swoosh, pops the carbine up and then just nails it right in the center of the forehead with a blaster shot, then swooshes back behind the tree.

NICK: Some of its iridescent fur chars away, and you can see it flinch and step backwards, and it steps on the leg that’s been injured by the grenade, and it’s mad. It lets out another roar, and you can see its chittering mandibles and fangs pull back and there’s some sort of dripping venom between them. It’s looking around for something to attack, and it looks down, and it sees Tink having just run out from underneath it, and the molsoom leaps to attack. It’s going to be rolling three yellow and two green against average. Do you have any Defense?

HUDSON: I do not.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: So that’s 8 damage coming at you, Tink.

HUDSON: Owies.

NICK: Yeah. On top of that, I need you to make a hard Resilience check for me.

HUDSON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: So, this creature, almost as a full 180 it whips around so quickly to where you’re standing after your attack, it plants these fangs into your shoulder and you can feel your blood begin to burn as you are hit with some sort of toxic venom. You lose 4 strain, and you are now poisoned.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahh… I feel funny, everyone!

NICK: And it’s a PC slot, so I guess HK will go. HK, from his position on this rock, he has been aiming this entire time. HK takes careful aim and he rolls to shoot. It’s two yellows and two green, but also flip a light side point to add his Agility to the damage. It is going to be average.

CAMERON: A success, a triumph, and one advantage.

NICK: Okay, so he’s gonna crit as well. With the success that’s 11, plus an additional 4, so that’s 15 damage coming at it. So it’ll be +30 for the previous critical hits and he has 2 points in Lethal Blows, so it’ll be +20 more.

CAMERON: A 48! Plus 50, 98.

LILIT: A 98 is the one we have renamed Harmed: One limb is impaired until healed/replaced, plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: HK hones in on where the grenade went off on this thing’s rear, and it shoots down through its hip, and you can see that the leg can’t hold weight anymore, so this thing is now attacking with just three legs and seems very slowed down and like it’s not going to be able to attack as fast. But, it does roar and spin around, and it still can’t find any of the people who are hiding on the edge of this clearing, and its eyes are clouded with rage at this point, so as it looks around to find what just attacked it its eyes fall on Tink again and it goes to attack Tink. It’s gonna be three yellow and two green against average difficulty against Tink again, except it’s gonna be against hard difficulty because he has been hurt very badly.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: So that’s 7 additional damage coming at you, Tink, minus your Soak.

HUDSON: Ouch. Yep.

NICK: And you lose an additional 4 strain as you feel more of this venom continue. With your medical knowledge, you would think that falling unconscious due to venom from a giant predatory creature is probably bad.

[quirky upbeat music begins]

HUDSON: So with my medical knowledge, but also a combination of that and being a bit woozy, I actually turn my head to the side and try to suck the venom out of my own body thinking that I can extract it from my body and it won’t go back into my body. I’ll either spit it out or it will go away somehow. I didn’t get that far in the plan.

NICK: Would you like to spend a PC slot to do a Medicine check to try to negate the venom?

HUDSON: Yeah, that’d be great.

NICK: Okay, go ahead. This is gonna be hard difficulty. Do you maybe wanna flip a light side point to make this more likely to be successful?

HUDSON: Nope! Nah.

NICK: [grinning] No? Okay.

HUDSON: Two failures and an advantage, though.


NICK: So, you didn’t get threats so the poison doesn’t get worse. You do just what you described. You try to suck the poison out of your own shoulder and you discover two things. It’s very hard to put your mouth on your shoulder, and also, even if you could the poison has been pumping through your bloodstream for about three initiative slots at this point, so that ship has kind of sailed. Little Tink looks up at you with a new life in his eyes and he says “maybe you should’ve tried to negate the poison rather than just remove the poison.”

HUDSON: I look up at Little Tink and he’s kinda blurry and going in and out of vision because of the poison.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why don’t you just grow big and grow your wings and fly and fight a beast yourself?

NICK: “Alright, maybe I will.” And we’re onto another PC slot. This giant monster is still rampaging around screaming and being very dangerous.

[quirky music ends]

LILIT: Technically I do have more grenades. Xianna will go next, and Xianna aims while thinking:

LILIT (as Xianna): Did Tink get into the glitterstim or something?

LILIT: Well I got one success and one advantage.

NICK: Alright.

LILIT: So that is 8 damage, and it is Pierce 2.

NICK: So the Pierce 2 is very important, because a big part of why this creature is dangerous is it can soak a bunch of damage. So you shoot it and it stumbles backwards and you actually make it rear up on its hind legs and it reveals its softer underbelly, so the advantages will be that whoever attacks it next will have a blue die and also will get to hit it in the underbelly where it is weaker. We are to another PC slot.

CAMERON: Can I shoot it in the tummy?

NICK: You may absolutely shoot it in the tummy.

CAMERON: Thank you.

NICK: You pop back out of cover?

CAMERON: Pop back out of cover, aim, shoot it in the tummy. Whoa… two successes, five advantages.

NICK: Two successes, five advantages.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: So how much damage is that?

CAMERON: Fifteen.

NICK: Okay. You hit it very hard, and I’m assuming you’re going to crit on it.

CAMERON: Uh-huh.

NICK: Okay, so it’s +40 for the amount of crits it’s gotten so far.

CAMERON: Plus another 40 for me~

NICK: Okay, so it’s +80?

CAMERON: [chuckles] Yes. An 87, +80.


HUDSON: One-sixty-seven.

CAMERON: [laughs] The crit chart doesn’t go that high.

LILIT: So 151 and above… Dead.


LILIT: No further elaboration on that one. It just says “Dead.”

NICK: Okay! It wasn’t doing well anyway, but I guess you hit it somewhere very important. So how do you kill this thing with a 167 on a crit?

[drum led metal music begins]

CAMERON: I shoot it in its tummy.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Probably along one of the gash lines that Tink had made with his axe so it goes even farther into the tummy and it just hurts really, really bad, and then he dies.

NICK: Yep, and then this molsoom, this massive example of predatory grace, dies before it hits the ground.

[metal music ends]

You very efficiently end its life and it collapses with no sound, and you can tell from where you are it is completely done. You have slayed the beast. Congratulations. Tink, take another 4 strain damage as the poison continues to course through your system.

HUDSON: I’m now at -2 strain. [laughs]

NICK: Alright! Tink collapses to the ground unconscious. Well, swimming in and out of consciousness. You can tell that whatever he got hit with he is not doing well, and it’s not just the severity of his injuries. You’ve seen him shrug off worse than what he got from the physical wound, but Tink is on the ground. HK stands up from where he was lying on his rock and says…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man has perished.

NICK: …and starts to slowly climb his way back down the rock. He doesn’t look particularly hurried.

LILIT: Xianna hops down out of the tree and then goes up to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): No Hank, I do not think he is dead. I think he is just, like, unconscious or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): “He’s taking a nap, a real hard nap.”

CAMERON: Karma trots over. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think he is whispering something under his breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): “No, no, it’s just Little Tink here.”

NICK: HK walks up next to Karma.

NICK (as HK): He appears to be under the effect of some sort of venom.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that venom’s bad news. It’s not fun.

HUDSON (as Tink): “I don’t go over and piss in your sand castles.”

LILIT: Xianna has leaned down and has gotten real close to Tink’s translator.

LILIT (as Xianna): He said something about castles. Does that mean anything to anyone?

HUDSON (as Tink): “I said…”

CAMERON (as Karma): I do remember it being slightly hallucinogenic, but it was a bad time, it wasn’t a fun trip.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did this not start before he got injured?

CAMERON (as Karma): Which part?

LILIT (as Xianna): The whole Little Tink thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, that started earlier.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): “$4.99 for the buffet. $4.99 for the buffet. Space Corral, all day.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I cannot understand him anymore. I think we should maybe get him immediate medical attention.

CAMERON: How do I wake Tink up? Does a stim pack heal strain?

NICK: Stim packs heal strain, yeah.

CAMERON: Okay. I’mma stab Tink in the leg with a stim pack.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Wake me up inside~ I can’t wake up! Wake me up and—” SAVE ME~! [stammers and groans, confused and dazed]


NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you appear to have returned to the land of the living.

LILIT (as Xianna): He was never dead, HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was I dead?!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you were not. HK—

HUDSON (as Tink): How would you know?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I was here and I was listening to you talk, and dead people do not talk.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t talk.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes you were. You were saying something about castles, and I think a buffet.

HUDSON (as Tink): You sure that wasn’t Little Tink?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink, I thought you were straightedge, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? I am straightedge. I’m keeping the edge.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I am pretty sure you got into some glitterstim or something.

CAMERON: Karma walks over to Tink’s shoulder and takes out her emergency med kit and starts bandaging his shoulder.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, it appears that your edge has been dulled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no! How could this happen?! What’s next for me? “Murder! Drugs! Everything bad. Just get on a bike and go. Just ride off into the sunset and just destroy and pillage. Pillage!”

NICK (as HK): I’m beginning to feel that this action figure is a bad influence on the Boss Man.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

LILIT: Where is the action figure?

[intense dramatic music begins]

NICK: I’m assuming he’s holding it.

HUDSON: Yeah, I am. [chuckles]

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: He’s been like moving it as it talks. [laughs]


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Okay. Xianna takes the action figure out of Tink’s hand…

HUDSON (as Tink): What?! [stammers, flustered]

LILIT: …reaches into her pocket, grabs a grenade…

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: …smashes the two together, and then throws.


HUDSON (as Tink): Nooo~! “You can’t kill me! I AM god!”

NICK: [explosion sound] And little tiny bits of duraplast rain down around you as Little Tink meets his end at the end of a grenade.

[intense music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw man. Why did you do that?

LILIT: Xianna turns back around.

LILIT (as Xianna): There. We do not have to deal with the weird action figure anymore. It was a bad influence on Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it was that bad of an influence, and it was a fan favorite.

CAMERON (as Karma): Was it?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Tink, you have to stop with this whole thing that we have fans. We tried doing the blogging and it did not work, mostly because I kept changing my name every time and you did not want to be on the camera. It’s very difficult.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just don’t like that we named it OnlyXianna’fans.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, it is a very funny joke. It just did not work for many reasons.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Well, Little Tink, may you rest in peace and reign over all of us as you have told me you would before.

NICK: Little bits of plastic continue to tinkle down around you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay then. So, let’s go get the Stone Breaker and then, I don’t know, we should come back and collect the molsoom…

CAMERON (as Karma): [out of breath] Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and maybe sell it so it does not go to waste, because I don’t know, it feels kind of bad that we have just been trespassing on this planet and killed a big old animal. Seems not good, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): A lot of noise was made earlier, I think.

LILIT (as Xianna): Seems disrespectful is all I am saying, so maybe at the very least we should not let the animal go to waste.

NICK (as HK): That seems an appropriate assertion.

NICK: So you all continue into the greenhouse that was once the seat of authority of the Oracle of Ithor, and you can see things that spark your memories of the last time you were here on-planet. What is one reminder that you all see as you continue deeper into the jungle in search of the Stone Breaker?

HUDSON: I move a log over and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey look! This is where I etched in ‘Tink was here’ with a knife.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: As we’re walking through the greenhouse there’s part of the wall that Xianna and Sabos tagged to get arrested.


LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I did that.

NICK: It’s probably a little bittersweet considering the last time you were here this was a living breathing city and now it is just wreckage and rubble. You’re very easily able to make it to the molsoom’s den, because it tears big rifts in the trees around it as it charges around, and you find the skeleton of what must have been some sort of space adventurer or poacher because it’s wearing a vest and pants still and is holding a blaster, but the molsoom obviously got to it and dragged it back.

You can see bits and pieces of tracks and dropped equipment as what looks like a group of poachers was running away, and in their path is the case that you delivered the Rock Breaker in, and it’s been pried open and whatever was in it is now gone.

CAMERON: Is the blaster in good shape?



NICK: It’s got like vines in it and stuff. This happened a while ago.

CAMERON: Dang. Can we go a-lookin’?

NICK: Yep. You can absolutely make me a Survival or a Perception check to try and track where these other poachers went.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. What would the difficulty be on it?

NICK: Difficulty would be a hard Perception or an average Survival.

CAMERON: One success!

NICK: Awesome. Karma, you lead the way. The trail has been overgrown, this must have happened some months ago, but it’s still fairly obvious because it’s clear they were being pursued by the molsoom.

You find a couple of more skeletons in adventuring gear scattered through the jungle, like the molsoom left them where they were. You figure that these must have been people who came, like Meelo said, to be big game hunters and then they discovered things worth scavenging and sort of changed objectives, and then it didn’t work out for them very well.

You go deeper and deeper into the jungle until you find one last poacher leaning up against a tree, and you can see that it must have been bitten by the molsoom because there’s marks in the tree behind it where the fangs would have pierced all the way through, and it’s clutching to its chest something that looks like a tablet made of stone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey look.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Neat.

CAMERON: I pick it up.

LILIT: And Xianna starts going through the pockets of the person holding it.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Karma just lifts the tablet out while Xianna’s pocket searching.

NICK: You could find a deck of Sabacc cards. You could find some chance cubes. You could find a bunch of random objects from springhole.net, items, get: a lemon, a bag of cotton balls, a package of crisp and crunchy edibles, and a rolling pin. A pair of earrings, a bandana and a pasta strainer!

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

NICK: A quartz crystal, a wedding ring, and a container of pudding.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] It’s a pudding cup!

LILIT: Oh, Xianna wants to find a wedding ring.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay. Oh, that’s great.

LILIT: Pack of Sabacc cards and a glow stick, like a rave style glow stick necklace.

NICK: Has it been popped yet or is it still…?


NICK: Okay. A somehow—in this person’s last moments—unpopped glow stick necklace. You’re patting through the pockets and you find a wedding ring that’s a simple gold band, otherwise unadorned, but you can tell it must have had some emotional value because it’s on a thin chain, and a pack of Sabacc cards that, to your practiced eye, look like they may have been marked in some way although you haven’t figured out exactly how yet. You also find a glow stick necklace, still in its packaging, and it looks like it has not yet been cracked to begin lighting yet.

As you pull that stuff out, Karma reaches over you and pulls the Stone Breaker tablet out from the skeletal hands clutching it. It almost doesn’t let go. There’s a brief moment where you have to kinda jiggle it to make the hands pop free.

LILIT (as Xianna): This was a good find. Very excited to use this glow stick necklace.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are you gonna use the ring for?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I don’t know yet. I’ll keep it just in case I ever decide to, you know, propose to Nolaa.

HUDSON (as Tink): [mockingly] Settle down? Ha.

LILIT (as Xianna): To settle down or anything. Then I have it, you know, just in case.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Or I could put it on Creamsicle’s tail.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh~

LILIT (as Xianna): That would be cute and fun. Or I can always sell it to a pawn shop. There’s a number of possibilities with this, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m excited we found the Stone Breaker, which is what we were here for.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, that’s why we’re here, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is also cool. I am just glad that there was a poacher for me to steal from, because you can’t really steal from the rest of the herdship. That’s like weird, because it’s like cultural artifacts now, so you can’t do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): But a poacher, that’s free real estate.


HUDSON (as Tink): I think the Stone Breaker’s a dumb name. It needs to be something snazzier, hipper, something that’s today, you know, the kids can get into.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean like, if we’re ever gonna sell it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like Greg.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are we… I don’t think we’re ever gonna sell it. Sentinel has a plan for them I think.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. We may sell them if Sentinel decides not to need it anymore, and I think Greg is our number one choice right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): What about Luke? It is a very popular name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Luke Stone Breaker…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, Luke.

HUDSON (as Tink): Luke…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Luke.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

NICK (as HK): I would disagree with naming it Luke. I have never met a good organic named Luke. They always whine a whole lot.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you say that about every organic.

NICK (as HK): This is true, but Lukes especially.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we won’t name it that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay wait, compromise. It’s still the Stone Breaker, but there’s a number 8 in the middle of Breaker.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so it is like a DJ. [gasps] It makes perfect sense because I got the glow stick necklace!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now the rest of you just have to go get glow stick necklaces and then we can take— [gasps] Oh! Because we are going to take Sentinel to a rave once this is all done!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): This is perfect. Tink, do you want us to order you a pair of the fuzzy rave boots or do you want us to just dye your feet a color?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d like both, but the boots need to be space boots that let me fly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if we can trust you with that.

NICK: And that’s going to be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 18 Little Tink

PDF download: S2 Episode 18 Little Tink

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 18:
Little Tink

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Before we get into the episode, I want to thank Ryan Pothering for their patron-created NPC this week. Thank you, Ryan, for giving us Meelo Shmee. He went in some very fun directions and was a blast to play with. If you want to introduce an NPC for us to play with, that’s at the Build-A-Beru level on our Patreon. Check it out.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 18, the dark night of the podcasting world! We’re not the podcast that you deserve, we’re the podcast that you need… and sometimes we punch clowns.

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

LILIT: Who gets to wear tight underwear and leggings? Who gets to say “fuck Batman”?

NICK: I currently am doing all of those at once.

CAMERON: Who is being forced to drink Fernet-Branca?

NICK: [smiling] Oh yeah! … We don’t have time to go into the Fernet-Branca story. [laughs] That needs so much background to make any kind of sense.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway, I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since last time let me know, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Dick Grayson and I will be playing Nightwing.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: No. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Have you spent any experience?

LILIT: Well, my XP box says nothing, so maybe.

NICK: Oh. That’s fair. Wonderful. Up next we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Ey! It’s Hudson here, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I have not spent any experience points. I am hoarding them with a capital H.

NICK: Last but  not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I am also hoarding experience.

NICK: Lovely. So, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson.

NICK: Hmm. Alright. So, the last time that we saw the crew of the Afternoon Delight you all went on an adventure to the library. You researched many things. You found some very good information on the best way to care for loth-rats. You researched some tabletop RPG item stats. You found some romance novels. Oh, and you did manage to look into the Broken Force, the series of Force-centric items that you’d need to potentially overthrow the emperor and that you were tasked by Sentinel to go and track down. Oh, and you figured out that the spider librarian was actually a spider spy and not a librarian and had shoved a librarian under a desk. Alright, so let’s jump into it.

We open on the planet of Ithor. It is a dark green ball dotted with small seas. You can see the remains of wreckage floating in orbit. It looks like the Empire didn’t bother with an entire cleanup of the disaster in orbit but instead took the main carcass of the super star destroyer for refurbishment and left.

Ithor sits forlornly in space. The sensors pick up several large herdships, floating cities that house a majority of the Ithorian population, hovering several kilometers above the dense jungle of the planet. But there is one section of the atmosphere that is more blank, nothing floats above the jungle here, and below you can see large swaths of destruction barely beginning to regrow: the location of the herdship that was shot down during your last visit, the place where the jungle burned under imperial bombardment.

We see the Afternoon Delight snap out of hyperspace directly over orbit of this planet, and you all get a view of this destruction.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the memories… That sounded way too happy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.


HUDSON (as Tink): Anyways. There are some memories here, and they’re not very good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m glad the blockade’s gone.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, where should we start?

LILIT (as Xianna): Probably in the wreckage of the herdship, or we could go to a different herdship and see if anybody knows the Oracle.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh, that’s an idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like, I don’t know what the Oracle did with it.

HUDSON (as Tink): In times like this, especially in the place we’re at, I think to myself… what would Sabos do?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… probably pull out a fake ID.

LILIT (as Xianna): Nothing good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let his head tails guide the way? That’s a good answer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I am not going to do that, and you do not have head tails, so… how do you want to proceed?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, if I had head tails, which I don’t… I think they would tell me to look through the wreckage of the herdship for there lies the answers. Maybe.

CAMERON (as Karma): [wincing] Okay~


NICK: We see Karma guide the ship down into the atmosphere. We get a swipe to the ship landing in the jungle. You all may remember that the mother jungle of Ithor is considered a no-trespassing zone by the Ithorians. Anyone who touches foot on the jungle is no longer allowed to leave. Do you do anything specifically to sneak down to the surface or do you just fly straight in?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but look, if we wear stilts we are not technically touching the ground, okay?

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That is all I’m saying. I’m not saying we have to, I’m just saying it is a possibility.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m actually really good at the floor is lava game, so I think I could go tree to tree.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, does that count?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Going tree to tree, or are you not allowed to touch any of it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, we gotta get down there unnoticed. Go really, really fast.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Ooh, ooh, ooh! I know! Does anybody know some Mandalorians? We call them up and we get their little jetpacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, so we hover?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you don’t have to be a Mandalorian to use a jetpack. We can just buy them.

HUDSON (as Tink): But they have the cool ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. They probably know how to use them, because I don’t really know how to use a jetpack.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are they made of rothguard steel or whatever thing they have?

CAMERON (as Karma): Beskar?

HUDSON (as Tink): Beskar!

LILIT (as Xianna): B-Beskar…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Beskar, that’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think the jetpack is.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I don’t think they are.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Sorry, Roth Guard is actually a type of financial savings account. I just got it confused with beskar. I’m sorry.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I think you are thinking of Roth Guard IRAs.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s it. That’s absolutely it.

LILIT (as Xianna): What is an IRA?

NICK (as HK): I actually can’t remember. Boss Man, is it an IRA or a 401K, and what’s the difference?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would say that an IRA is different than a 401K IRA depending on what kind of savings account you have. A 401K generally means retirement and a Roth IRA has post-tax distributions. So you give money to the Roth IRA and basically you have to pay taxes once you take the money out during retirement or pay a penalty if you take the money out early.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I just realized that I am going to live forever and therefore do not need to care about a retirement account.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I don’t pay taxes, so I don’t think those apply to me.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right, that’s true. You have a tax-free account by technicality.


LILIT (as Xianna): None of them are under any legal name, so I don’t think those names ever pay taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True.

NICK: So how are y’all getting down to the planet? [laughs]

CAMERON: Can I see any of the herdships on the ship’s sensors? Like, how far away are they?

NICK: The herdships are far enough away that if you do some fancy flying they won’t necessarily pick you up. They’re spread fairly evenly around the planet with an eye for privacy and peace and distance between them so that each herdship functions independently, and there’s been a hole in that net of ships for a long time, because one of these has been destroyed and they haven’t replaced it. So, if you fly just right you think you can skip between their sensor bubbles and get down to the planet undetected.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hear me out. Skydiving. We jump out, Hank just continues to run the ship, we skydive out, land in the woods undetected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Really, I think we can just pilot the ship down to the planet in a stealthy way, because we have the sneaky paint coat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah… Alright.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm. We could just wait until it’s dark and then we fly down.

HUDSON (as Tink): One day we’ll get to skydive.

NICK (as HK): Actually though, Boss Man, I did enjoy the last time we infiltrated a planet by hurling ourselves precariously down to the surface. Let’s do that again. Are you sure that you do not want to skydive?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not this time, Hank.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed sigh.

NICK: So, whoever’s piloting, Karma I assume, I need you to make me a hard Piloting check to dodge the sensors, but you can have two blue dice because of your sneaky paint coat.

CAMERON: Our night shadow coating?

NICK: Yeah, that sounds a lot cooler than what I said.

CAMERON: [giggles] One success, two advantages.

NICK: Awesome. So, you are able to pick up on the sensors as you cut the ship in towards the surface, pretty much the range of the nearby herdships’ sensing field, and they overlap but not entirely, and you’re able to skip down between them and you are pretty sure no one knows that you’re here. As you are coming in to land, you find a clearing just outside of the destruction and you’re able to come in and land somewhere covered but with a flat enough piece of ground for you to set down safely.

Up close you can see that the jungle has begun to regrow. Patches of purple and green fungus are growing on the fallen trunks of dense trees and small mammals duck out of sight into the underbrush. You can see bits of building and wreckage still poking up from the site.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ready to go exploring?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, do you have the bug spray in your bag?

CAMERON (as Karma): Actually I think it’s in my refresher. One second.

CAMERON: Karma leaves. Karma comes back with a big mom bag full of all sorts of necessary adventuring equipment, but mostly bug spray.

LILIT: Xianna reaches into one of her pockets, pulls out Creamsicle and holds her out while covering her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

CAMERON: Karma tilts her head.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I was thinking for—Okay, never mind.

CAMERON: And just sprays down Creamsicle who is now safe from bugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: Yep, Creamsicle is entirely protected from bugs now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I have not gotten Creamsicle all of her vaccines yet, so I should protect her with some bug spray just in case.

CAMERON (as Karma): With the number of planets we’ve been going to, that’s probably a very good idea.

NICK: So, do you head out into the jungle?


NICK: As you step down off of the ship you can see that this large swath of jungle has been mostly destroyed, and is starting to regrow, but you can see for a lot further in the direction of where the herdship came down than in the direction, say, deeper into the jungle. There’s a lot of debris and things scattered around. You can see bits of buildings still sticking up. What are you all looking for? This is essentially an exploded city, so how do you wanna try to track this stuff down?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, Tink, you have your little data pad scanner thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I was just thinking that. It detects other scanners.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, the other one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think it would detect a Force signature? Karma, you read the book that had all the important information in it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that they’ll pick it up.

CAMERON: I’m kinda picturing that the herdship fell in a way that large cruise liners do when they sink where they kind of come down intact. Obviously when it hit ground that didn’t continue, but the general outline of the city location-wise would still be fairly similar within the wreckage. Would that be accurate, Nicholas?

NICK: It’s spread out, so like the general outline is about the same, but it’s bigger than the herdship was. Like, it broke apart on the way down but still landed in the general outline, so think more like a chocolate crinkle cookie more than a chocolate chip cookie.


NICK: Cracked and pieced together puzzle kind of situation.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank, can you access a map of the city before it was ruined?

NICK (as HK): Sure. … Let me go find one.

NICK: HK walks back up into the ship and comes back down a few minutes later.

NICK (as HK): Map downloaded. Great idea. Now I know where I’m going.

LILIT (as Xianna): Should we maybe check the places that we knew the Oracle hung out in?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. There was like that center gardeny-type place where we first met them.

NICK: Can I get Perception checks from everybody, please?

CAMERON: Okay… What difficulty?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Nothing.

NICK: Ohh.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with no success and a threat.

LILIT: I have two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Wonderful. So Karma, you are very engaged in the conversation that the group is having about where you would wanna start looking for this artifact. Xianna, you notice that there is someone hiding in the bushes nearby. Looks to be a Sullustan with a brown and yellow flight suit, so it blends into the trees, kind of. The Sullustans are the ones that have duck bills for cheeks on either side. There’s a Sullustan that helps pilot the Millennium Falcon when Lando flies it.

LILIT: Nien Nunb.

NICK: Yeah! Nien Nunb’s the best. I’m sure that this Sullustan is also cool. You can see that there is someone in the underbrush holding a blaster, but it doesn’t appear to be pointed at you. Tink, you don’t see that, but something good happens. What would you like for your random luck to result in?

LILIT: Give us the high ground.


HUDSON: We have the high ground.

NICK: You have the high ground. Okay. You’re on a slight rise, so this person hiding in the bushes is at a disadvantage if they decide they want to shoot you.

LILIT: Xianna looks down to where this person is and just gives a big wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, ello! Ello person in the bushes!

NICK: There’s a long pause, and then awkwardly you see this Sullustan stand up and you get a little bit better look at them. He waves kind of awkwardly at you all, and looks down and sees that he’s holding his blaster and holsters that and kinda holds his hands up.

NICK (as Meelo): Um… permission to come aboard?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are not on a ship, so…

NICK (as Meelo): Well you’re right next to a ship. Can I come up the hill that you’re standing on? I don’t really want to shout through the woods. You never know when something might hear.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sure?

NICK: So, he trudges his way up the hill. It takes a long time. It gets a little awkward how long it takes, because there’s a lot of undergrowth and he gets his flight suit hooked on bushes and stuff a couple of times. You see that this Sullustan is a little overweight, is average height, is wearing a brown and yellow flight suit that’s been torn and patched over and over again. It looks like it’s sewed together with vegetable thread. The repairs have been done unprofessionally. He’s wearing dark goggles to protect his eyes, because you know that Sullustans don’t like direct sunlight, and he has birthmarks on both of his cheek flaps that make it look like he has two mustaches, so he has like dark lines on them. He seems pretty friendly as he walks up.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I haven’t seen anyone who didn’t shoot first in quite a while. My name’s Meelo Smee. Nice to meet you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good to meet you. Do you mean us harm?

NICK (as Meelo): No. Quite the opposite, actually. I would love to help you in exchange for getting the hell off this rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. What skills do you have? Do you have a resume, CV maybe?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well we are not taking him on as a full-time gig.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but this is an important part of our mission.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well…

NICK (as Meelo): So I’ll admit, when the entire city I was on crashed down around me amidst turbo laser fire and destruction, I did not manage to keep all of my important documents. Sorry about that. My name’s Meelo. I am a pilot. I am a pretty good one. You don’t look like you need one, and honestly I’m not asking for full-time crewship here, just… my ship’s a little blown up and I don’t wanna be here anymore, and I can’t ask the Ithorians because I’ve set foot on their jungle so they don’t want me to leave if they figure out I’m here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, weird rules those Ithorians have.

NICK (as Meelo): Eh, it’s not that weird. Their whole existence is based around the jungle, so they care about it a lot. A lot of planets that just let people come down to the surface willy-nilly get really messed up, so I understand them being protective. It’s just very inconvenient for me. I’ve been here… oh my gosh, almost a year now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wow.

CAMERON: Karma had been doing math in her head trying to figure out exactly how long it had been since the herdship had gone down.

NICK: Almost a year.


NICK (as Meelo): But hey, I know that this looks like a really dandy vacation spot, and…

CAMERON (as Karma): Does it?

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I was being mildly sarcastic, because there’s actually several dangerous creatures around. Why don’t you come back to my hideout and we can talk a little more somewhere safe?

CAMERON (as Karma): Works for me.

CAMERON: Karma hits a button on the ship clicker and the door closes and it goes (boop-bwoop).

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, locking the ship, smart move. That’ll keep anybody from stealing it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, that is the goal.

NICK: So, do you follow this stranger back to their quote-unquote “hideout?”


LILIT: Sure…

CAMERON: Yes, but Karma has her hands on her carbine and is carrying it in front of her.

NICK: Okay. You can tell that Meelo is extremely excited to be talking, and even though he says it would be best to get out of the open he’s talking a lot and very excitedly, not about anything important, about the weather and whatever he’s found to eat recently and how he’s been surviving which is mostly by scavenging. He leads around the perimeter of the herdship and you find broken off and a little separated from a lot of the destruction is one of those landing pads that you all used your first time visiting, and there’s a ship broken on top of it, and you can just make out the paint that says Crate Dragon on the side of the ship.

NICK (as Meelo): Well… home sweet home. This is where I’ve been hiding from all of the scary predators and scary people who come down here. Why don’t you come inside? Maybe we can work something out. I’m sure you came here for a reason, and maybe I can help you with that in exchange for getting the heck out of here.

HUDSON (as Tink): I like your ship name. Your ship is janked, though. I’m sorry, it’s just kind of messed up. I think it was due to the destruction from a year ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like that is implied. This whole situation is that the ship went boom with everything else.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s why Meelo’s wanting a ride with us, as there are no operational ships down here at this point.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. Turns out ships are really good at flying, not so good at falling, and it was quite a fall. The good news was I was in the ship and it protected me, I didn’t die, but I did spend the first couple of months trying to fix it. Unfortunately, like your big hairy friend there said, pretty jank at this point.

HUDSON: I walk up onto the ship.

NICK: Cool. So, as you walk into the ship Meelo scurries after you, and on the inside you can see that the ship itself used to be a medium size freighter that was just kind of boxy shaped, not particularly fast but lots of storage, and almost the entire thing is just a hollowed out cargo bay and you see boxes and boxes and boxes. The name that you saw on the side of the ship, Crate Dragon, is spelled C-R-A-T-E.

Inside there’s just tons and tons of boxes and they’ve been stacked to make places to sit, and you can see blankets tossed over a series of boxes in a bed, and some of them are open, and there’s lots of little bits and bobs and tchotchkes and things that look like they’ve been salvaged from the wreckage and that are hanging up there. Kind of picture WALL-E’s little hangout from, uh…

HUDSON: WALL-E? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] From WALL-E?

NICK: …from WALL-E, but bigger. Yeah.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, welcome to my home away from home. You know, I’ve led you here, and I’ve introduced myself, and you all haven’t said who you are or even what you’re doing here… It would be nice to get a little bit more give out of the give-and-take that’s going on right now. I know I don’t talk to people a lot… Ooh! You’re probably hungry.

NICK: He dives into one of the boxes and comes out holding two big baggies of purple and green fungus kept in two separate bags.

NICK (as Meelo): This stuff, turns out, is edible. It’s pretty good if you wanna try.

NICK: He starts setting it out on top of a box.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, but uh, I have a bag of Spunyuns, so I am okay.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh, are they flaming hot? I’ve had a craving for flaming hot Spunyuns for like ten months.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, they are just the regular ones.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, never mind then.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m full. I don’t need any food. Thank you.

CAMERON: Karma donates some granola bars and oranges to the pile but does not partake in the mushrooms.

NICK: He sees the granola bar and oranges, and you can see him staring at those, and he looks at you, Karma.

NICK (as Meelo): Can… I try some of those? I’ve been eating mostly fungus for a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Take as many as you’d like. This is a community eating table.

NICK (as Meelo): Yes!

NICK: He rips an orange in half and just starts shoving it into his face and is thrilled, you can tell. After the first orange he starts munching on a granola bar and is visibly trying to keep himself calm.

NICK (as Meelo): So, um… most of the people that I find down here are here to hunt illegally or here to try to scavenge something out of the wreckage. That’s basically what I do to keep my time going too is scavenge things out of the wreckage. As you can see there’s some cool stuff around here. Is that why you’re here? Can I maybe help you find something? I’m really… You gotta understand, I really wanna get off this planet. I’ll do whatever you need to help you be successful. I’m 100% trustworthy, I promise. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I could start with introductions. Hi, I’m Tink, a Gigoran slicer.


NICK (as Meelo): Aw, great! Thank you for providing both your name, your species, and your occupation!

LILIT: [sighs]

NICK (as Meelo): I’m Meelo Smee, a Sullustan smuggler pilot.

NICK: He holds out his hand to shake.

LILIT (as Xianna): One of these days I am going to explain to you all the importance of fake names.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if Tink is my fake name and I’ve been playing the long con on you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, because I know your name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): And I know Tink is just like a nickname that is officially connected to your real name.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you have a good point. My name is Meelo Smee, and I’m a Sullustan legal pilot, who does legal piloting things.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You already told us the real name. We know now.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convincing.

NICK (as Meelo): What are you gonna do, leave me marooned on this jungle planet? Whatever, it’s fine. I was just trying to be cool.

LILIT (as Xianna): But we are here to scavenge, for a very particular item.

NICK (as Meelo): Ah, now we’re talking. Tell me a little more. Maybe I’ve seen it. Maybe it’s somewhere in the Crate Dragon.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it was in a briefcase, or maybe they took it out of the briefcase. I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, this one wasn’t the briefcase. The briefcase was empty. That’s what Falx gave us. This was in a crate… Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): It has been so long. So it is either in a box or not in a box.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay, we’re off to a great start.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s like a stone tablet type thing about ye big…

CAMERON: Karma holds up her hands in roughly the size of a data pad.

CAMERON (as Karma): …and it has buttons on it.

NICK (as Meelo): Huh.

HUDSON: I’m rolling Perception to see if it’s actually just in his ship somewhere.

NICK: I’m gonna say this is a daunting difficulty, because this is a smuggler ship and everything’s hidden in boxes.

HUDSON: A triumph with no success and a failure.

NICK: Either he knows about it and it’s gone or you find something unrelated that’s very useful. It’s up to you.

HUDSON: I think I find something that’s very useful.

NICK: Okay. What would you like to find?

HUDSON: I find a Gigoran action figure with an axe that is like just the cutest little action figure and it looks like me.

NICK: Okay. So as Meelo is trying to get a little bit more information out of the three of you about how he can help, you start to dig around in some of the crates, and what you see is that actually most of the boxes are full of additional boxes.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: They’re nested smaller and smaller. Some of them have four or five of the same size box stuck inside. Most of the time if you open a lid or look into an open box you just see more boxes, but in one of them you manage to go a couple layers in, and yeah, you find this little action figure that looks like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I found this in these Naboo nesting boxes. We got the little action—Look at this guy! Look at this guy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am very happy for you, Tink, but that is not helpful right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe it will be. Maybe it holds a secret ring that can tell us where things are.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ve been watching too much TV.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was about to say that. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think you have.

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. That’s part of the original cargo, actually. I forgot that was in there. You know, all the boxes, it’s easy to lose things, which I guess is kind of the idea. But hey, you know, if you get me out of here you can keep that if you want.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

NICK (as Meelo): I missed the delivery, so… I don’t really have a use for it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds great. We will get you out of here.

NICK (as Meelo): Aw, thank you. Can we shake on it? I would just really like a commitment to get me out of this jungle. It would make me feel a lot better.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure, but you have to shake the action figure’s hand too.

NICK (as Meelo): [chuckling] Okay.

NICK: He shakes the action figure’s hand very seriously with one finger and then grabs your hand. Your hand is a lot bigger than his, and y’all shake, and you can see he visibly relaxes.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, I feel a little bit better with that commitment. So, you’ve hired yourself a guide. You’re looking for a stone tablet… that’s either in a box or not in a box and has buttons on it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. Last known location would be in whatever building the Oracle hung out in.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that big greenhouse thing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that big one in the center.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. Ooh… ooh, really? Are you sure?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as Meelo): Uh… You haven’t been down onto the surface, have you, before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope, just landed.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. I didn’t know if this was your first time. Some people make return trips. So, here’s the thing… That herdship going down opened up a path for people to come and land in the jungle without having to talk to the Ithorians at all, because they don’t normally like it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, I had noticed.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah. I saw some of your approach vector, it was pretty fancy flying, but here’s the problem. The people who figured that out are very, uh… scary? Like I said before, they come down for two reasons, either they’re looking for loot, and they tend to find it and they’re willing to kill anybody that gets in the way because they’ve already done something that’s generally just disrespectful to the culture, or they’re looking to big game hunt. There’s a particular kind of creature down here, it’s called a molsoom. You ever heard of a molsoom before?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I’ve eaten that before. Is it like an oatmeal-like substance? Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, molsoom is like that dark sticky syrup that comes from sugarcane production. You know, you use it to make cookies.

NICK: You can roll me Xenology if you wanna know if you’ve actually heard of a molsoom before.

CAMERON: Can we all roll just to see?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard, because this is a very specific thing.

CAMERON: A success and a threat!

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: Four failures, three advantages.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow.

NICK: Tink, you have no idea what that is. You actually believe Xianna’s story about it being an ingredient for a special type of cookie. Karma, you have actually seen a molsoom before. You didn’t know where they were from. The threat is that it almost killed you once. A bounty that you were working to capture had one as a pet and you wandered into its pen instead of the bounty’s office.

CAMERON: I hate when that happens.

NICK: Yeah. You don’t really remember very clearly, because it was a long time ago and the poison kind of affected your memory from that time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, those are those giant bug dragon poisonous monster things… right?

NICK (as Meelo): Oh! I thought you said you hadn’t been here before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t. I unfortunately encountered one elsewhere.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh. Well, then you know that’s the main reason I wanted you all to come back to the Crate Dragon, because at least I can shut the door here. Those things are bad news. The kind of people who hunt them do it because it’s a challenge and because their fur is actually really pretty and it’s very rare, so you can sell it for a lot of money. But long story short, kind of a roundabout way to say it, there’s a really big molsoom that made its nest in where the greenhouse used to be. Not all the plants died when they landed, like they were nestled in the crash, and this big old honkin’ giant one moved in. Really, whenever it wakes up and goes to hunt it’s best to just not go anywhere near it. It’s a scary little thing.

CAMERON: What is the size on these?

NICK: So normally you would know that they’re like tiger sized.


NICK: This one’s bigger.


HUDSON (as Tink): For a creature like this, it sounds like what we need to use is logic, reasoning and a bribe to get them on our side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, and I have three grenades left.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): The grenades could work if we get it out of the greenhouse, but I’d prefer not to throw the grenades into the greenhouse since I’m pretty sure that’s where the doo-wopper is, whatever it’s called.

NICK: So I can tell you, if you remember, the greenhouse was like really big. It was bigger than a city block. That was where the Oracle lived.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. I could use my vibro-axe to entice it to run away if it gets injured.

NICK (as Meelo): I think that’s called stabbing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s called a lot of motivation.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Oh…

NICK (as Meelo): Sounds like your friend here, who still hasn’t introduced herself, and only Tink introduced himself but that’s fine…

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey. The conversation continued after that point and there was never a good time for me to do an introduction, so I didn’t. So this is your fault!

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Hello! I’m Meelo Smee. What’s your name?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello. I’m Karma, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK (as Meelo): Thank you so much. And you ma’am, who reminded me that fake names are a good idea in this society?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well… [huffs] I mean, I guess I am Xianna.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah you are!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because nobody else is ever going to use fake names.

NICK (as Meelo): Great, and what’s your species and occupation?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a Twi’lek. I don’t know, what is my occupation? I mean, are we employed? Are we contractors? Are we full-time? Are we…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you fill out a W4 or a 1099?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No, none of them.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Or a W2.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, then you’re neither a contractor nor an employee.

LILIT (as Xianna): Am I just like freelance?

NICK (as HK): I believe that we are an LLC, Afternoon Delight Depot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well if we’re an LLC that means that you likely get a W4, unless you’ve decided to be independent of our LLC. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I never filled out paperwork, so maybe I’m a freelancer who just sometimes works jobs for you?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is a 1099. We have figured it out.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Again, I have never filled out any of this paperwork. I guess I am just like a thief? A smuggler of some sort. You know, scoundrel-esque activities.

NICK (as Meelo): Someone after my own heart. Wonderful. Well it’s nice to meet you.

NICK (as HK): And I am HK-67.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay, that’s fine, robot who’s been standing there quietly most of this time. That’s cool. Stay out of the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re gonna wanna be nice to the droid.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Thank you so much for introducing yourself.

NICK (as HK): You’re welcome!

NICK (as Meelo): Alright, okay, yeah. I’m seeing the large blaster rifle now.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): He will murder you.

NICK (as Meelo): Ooh, that’s concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): He thinks it is a very fun activity to do.

NICK (as Meelo): So, your friend here… Anyway. Karma – nice to meet you again, now that we’ve got that settled – says that she’s met a molsoom before. I don’t think she’s met a molsoom like this one. Normally they’re about the size of a baby bantha, maybe big enough to fit in the cockpit of an X-Wing. This molsoom is a lot bigger. It’s like maybe full bantha size.

CAMERON (as Karma): Goodness.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, and it’s just as fast.

CAMERON (as Karma): As a bantha?

NICK (as Meelo): No, as a normal molsoom.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): As an X-Wing cockpit?

NICK (as Meelo): Yes. Well actually, yeah. If one was to look statistically at the speed assigned to it, it would be on ship scale rather than foot scale, but that’s a weird meta thing that may not get included in the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): So I don’t mean to discourage you all from going and trying to check that greenhouse, it’s just gonna be really dangerous.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like I said, I have three grenades and at least one gun, possibly more, who knows.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you have your axe, and Karma has her carbine rifle blaster, and we have Hank. I feel like we will be fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you think, Little Tink?

HUDSON: Then I turn to my action figure.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Tink): [small, high-pitch voice] “Well Tink, I think there’s no task too big for the Afternoon Delight to take on.”

NICK (as Meelo): Wow. That started cute and then got really scary really fast.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): You will get used to it.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, with just Tink in general? Is that like a thing that… happens?

CAMERON (as Karma): Maybe.

NICK (as Meelo): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes, you know, possibly.

CAMERON (as Karma): Back to the giant monster. The danger is kind of par for the course with this employer. I don’t know if we’ve ever had a mission that the odds weren’t wildly stacked against us, and this one actually seems like the most even odds at this point.

NICK (as Meelo): Okay!

LILIT (as Xianna): So do we want to go into the greenhouse and then when we meet the creature we meet the creature, or do we want to try to lure it out into the open first? Like, the fight is on our terms. You know what I mean?

CAMERON (as Karma): Meelo, what’s the area around the greenhouse like wreckage-wise? Is it open or is it fairly rubbly?

NICK (as Meelo): It’s a mixed bag, really. Some trees didn’t get destroyed in the crash. Most of them did. There’s some rubble. There’s some flat spaces. It’s kind of in sections, so if you were looking for some favorable ground you could probably find some. I tend to stick to the rubble because it’s got more hiding places. The last set of hunters that came here were real mean. I don’t think very many of them made it, but I spent a lot of time hiding, because they kept trying to shoot me saying something about the most dangerous game of all being Sullustans. I don’t know what that was all about.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. Weird.

NICK (as Meelo): I can assure you that the most dangerous game of all is actually molsooms, turns out.

HUDSON (as Tink): I believe it. I think we should fight it on our terms, on our turf. Now what’s our turf?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we’d have to go over to the greenhouse area to figure that out, Tink. I don’t think we’re gonna be able to choose from over here. We’re gonna have to go scout it out.

NICK (as Meelo): Well, if you all head further into the wreckage, it’s pretty obvious from here, you’re just gonna need to cross this last little green belt that separates the Crate Dragon from the main site, and then the greenhouse is still partially standing, so it’s gonna be the tallest thing you can see, and it’s right in the middle, so that should be pretty straightforward. You all can scout around, take down this big scary monster, look for your stone tablet thing with buttons, and then just grab me on the way out.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whining] You’re not coming with us?

NICK (as Meelo): Oh, I sure would not like to.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we need your support?

NICK (as Meelo): In what way? You’re the ones that pointed out how well armed and good at fighting you are. I’m a pilot. This blaster’s mostly for show. It doesn’t even have batteries.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if they run on batteries, but sure, why not.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as Meelo): So anyway, yeah, I’m not much of a fighter. I would really, really rather not get involved in a molsoom hunt, especially since the last group of people I saw wandering around there I don’t think they all made it, and I’m very funny and likeable, I would be the first one to go. I’ve seen the holos.

CAMERON (as Karma): You also just said that you don’t have any weaponry skills, so that does kinda track.

LILIT (as Xianna): Honestly, I don’t feel like we need him. No offense, just it does not seem like you would be any help in a fight.

NICK (as Meelo): None taken.

CAMERON (as Karma): And it would really suck for you to have met us and gotten a ride off the planet to then get eaten by a giant whatever-they’re-called.

NICK (as Meelo): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mals… Mols…

LILIT (as Xianna): Molasses.

CAMERON (as Karma): A large molasses. [laughs]

NICK (as Meelo): molsooms, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): molsooms.

NICK (as Meelo): You said you’d seen one before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have, but for some reason this name is really difficult for me. It’s just not sticking in my head.

NICK (as Meelo): It really would be good for me to not die, and the way I see it is if you all don’t manage to take it down maybe you hurt it bad enough that it dies and then at least my life here has been improved.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fair.

HUDSON (as Tink): I tend to agree with this, but I think we need to hear out Little Tink. Little Tink, what do you think of all this? “Well, what if we have the spirit of Sabos that comes and just fills Milo with energy and leads him to victory?”

LILIT (as Xianna): [groans] Okay, no. No, I am done with this.

LILIT: Xianna just starts walking out the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Okay, well I guess I’m just gonna agree with everybody here. Thanks, uh, thanks everybody.”

NICK (as Meelo): Hey, you know what, you can keep that action figure. I don’t want it anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Yay~!” Alright, me and Little Tink are gonna go on so many adventures.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I’m gonna have nightmares.

NICK: So, do the four of you head out into the herdship?

CAMERON: Let’s roll out.

NICK: I think we need a roll of some kind to determine where you would set up the ground and then y’all need to figure out how you would lure it to that ground, so like a Survival check. We’ll roll it into being able to do it sneakily too so you don’t accidentally set it off too early. It’s probably a collaborative thing.

CAMERON: Survival?

HUDSON: Can I roll Stealth then?

NICK: So I think for setting an ambush that really feels like Survival, doesn’t it?

CAMERON: Wouldn’t it be Cool?

LILIT: Would it be Skulduggery? It’d be Streetwise.

NICK: I could be persuaded that it’s Cool since Cool is specifically used for ambushing.

CAMERON: Sweet, because that’s better than my Survival.

NICK: But it can be collaborative, so people can at least add blue dice.

LILIT: So we cannot use Stealth?

NICK: I would say you can use Stealth to help, but the actual, like, how good of an area are you going to have is gonna have to be Cool or Survival, but if you do a successful Stealth roll you can use that to make sure that you don’t accidentally wake up the molsoom ahead of time.

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: Yeah. I would say the Stealth, because you’re more likely to triumph.

LILIT: I can add a blue die to all Stealth checks equal to my rank in it. Three successes.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: On the Cool check I have two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Wow. Okay. So Xianna, explain how you coach everyone through not making enough noise to wake up a big scary predator, and then all of y’all describe what your ambush looks like and what the plan is, because you’re successful. You’re able to basically set this up to be as beneficial as possible for you and you don’t make any noise.

LILIT: Xianna shows everyone on the forest floor where patches of green plant and moss and stuff are.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. If you step on the green plants it is soft and will not make as much noise. If you see over here there are like twigs and dried leaves, those are crunchy, crunch-crunch-crunch. You step on those, it is loud. Green means go. Okay everybody? You step on the green.

HUDSON (as Tink): No cronch.

LILIT (as Xianna): No cronch. You do that and you be quiet and you stand behind these trees, and if you go this way and you approach from a 60 degree angle from where you are…

LILIT: And just does a lot of technical stuff showing everyone exactly where to go and which trees to hide behind.

NICK: Xianna’s really aware of the direction of the wind and things like that.

CAMERON: The direction of the shadows.

NICK: Yeah. There’s a lot more to it than you would think, because Xianna makes it look so easy, but there’s actually a lot of engagement and conscious thought that goes into it. She is very good at this.

HUDSON: So, we go through and bust out some ballet moves, some pliés and flambés and other jumpies.

CAMERON: [laughing] Neither of those are jumps. One of them is not ballet. The plié is not a jump!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s different kind of locales surrounding this greenhouse. You can see that bits of the walls of the greenhouse blew open in the crash so there isn’t like a main entrance anymore, it’s more of a canopy, but arrayed in a circle around it there are flat areas, there are rocky rubble areas with high ground, there are some areas with cover and trees. What is your ideal ambush situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Y’all, when do we throw the grenade to do a distraction so they run a certain way?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, we would have to make sure that we have the high ground so that the grenade does not roll back at us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Maybe somebody can get up into the trees! That would be me probably. I’m good at climbing.

NICK (as HK): If you put me somewhere tall I can shoot well. That might be something to consider.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we just put you at ground level.

NICK (as HK): Either way, I do tend to get hit a lot more than you would expect for someone who’s mainly focused on sharpshooting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Maybe we just put you on top of a tall rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if I get on your shoulders or you get on my shoulders so that we have a gun shooty and a swingy axe? Close range or long range, doesn’t matter, we’re an ultimate fighter.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure your feet would still be touching the ground.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man. Memory check. Have we tried this before? I remember this not working. I feel like this is a tactic we have done multiple times and it always goes poorly, but surely with your large amount of intelligence and tactical acumen I must have some sort of fragmentation in my memory because you have not failed at anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you are not wrong, HK. You have tried this before and it does not work.

HUDSON (as Tink): Statistically it has to eventually.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No… that is not how that works.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales]

LILIT (as Xianna): We put Hank on top of a big rock so he is up a little bit.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s fine I guess.

CAMERON (as Karma): So Tink, there could be a very specific situation where it could work, but normally we’re gonna want HK remaining stationary and solid so that he can shoot well, and we’re gonna want you to be able to move around freely as you are a melee fighter.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. I need room for summersaults, jumps, slashes…

CAMERON (as Karma): Precisely, all those pliés.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, yeah.

NICK (as HK): Do not forget the flambés.

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, thank you.

NICK: So, you all are able to find a stretch of wide ground that has cover around three quarters of it, like low bushes and things that you can hide in. It’s got some higher rocks. There’s some trees nearby to climb. It’s basically a kill zone, and it’s near to the greenhouse. Is there any other details to this area you would want to add?

CAMERON: In the hole in the greenhouse, the area that we’re next to is one where most of the wall is blown away and there’s not a whole lot of plants immediately on the inside of the greenhouse so that nothing can sneak up to the edge of the greenhouse to then jump out.

NICK: Yeah, so there’s an approach…


NICK: …and it’s cleared out in a way that you’ll be able to see it coming. You’re not gonna be surprised. As you all are quietly whispering in this ambush spot and talking through what you’re going to do, HK cocks his head to the side.

NICK (as HK): Wait, hang on. How do we get the big scary monster from in there to out here?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I know!

LILIT: Xianna just fires off a few blaster rounds at the hole in the wall.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): That should do it. I’m going to go climb a tree now.


NICK: There’s a long pause… and HK looks at Karma as Xianna shrugs and starts walking towards a tree.

[action rock music begins]

NICK (as HK): I do not think that worked.

NICK: Then you hear this horrible clicking roar, and the trees inside the greenhouse start to shake and the glass starts to rattle, and you can hear a beast charging towards the outside.

CAMERON: Karma turns to HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you sure?

NICK (as HK): Okay, so maybe I spoke a little too soon. It was quiet for a second.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you wanna get on your rock?

NICK (as HK): I would like to get on my rock.

NICK: We see HK start scrambling up.

CAMERON: Karma goes and takes cover behind a tree.

NICK: Tink, where do you set up?

HUDSON: I squat behind a piece of rubble where I can sneak around behind them as they’re running, hopefully, if they go down the path I’m expecting them to, and slash.

NICK: Cool. So we see you all approach your spots, and this huge terrifying creature approaches the hole in the wall, and you can see that it’s pushing trees out of the way, and it’s bigger than you even imagined, and the last thing we see is the molsoom, massive and terrifying, as it charges through the gap and out into your ambush. That’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 17 Reading Rainbow

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 17:
Reading Rainbow

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This episode features a patron-created NPC. Jenner the Harch was provided by Joshua Winter. Thank you again, Joshua, for your support, and we had a lot of fun playing with Jenner in this episode.

A reminder that if you want to submit an NPC for the squad to meet, that option is available at the $10 a month and up level on our Patreon. Thank you to everyone for your support of the show.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 17 of Season 2! All the signs are pointing to this being a wonderful season, and we’re glad you’re here with us along for the ride. Everybody, let’s go around the table and say who you are, who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we met up let me know, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I am breaking from tradition and actually hoarding my experience points this time.

NICK: Oh~ You got your eyes set on something shiny and new?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. And expensive.


NICK: Great. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I used 20 of my experience points to go up to Level 3 in Negotiation.

NICK: Hey! Good idea. You got grand plans for that?

HUDSON: Yeah, I feel like I’m gonna be the top negotiator of the squad here in a couple more ranks.

NICK: Okay. [laughs] Sounds good. Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought additional ranks in Charm and Gunnery.

NICK: Hey! Gunnery, there’s a thought, and Charm. What does that bring you to, like 4 in Charm?

LILIT: No, actually only a 3 in Charm.

NICK: That’s a lot still.

LILIT: I have 4s in Skulduggery and Stealth.

NICK: Nice. Well wonderful. Before we get started with the recap let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side!

CAMERON: [weakly] Yay.

NICK: So when we last left off you all had seized a mysterious Force artifact from a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula, cleverly avoiding many traps and puzzles and instead going straight to the end and getting the prize. The last we saw was you all leaving the planet and flying off into the nebula, and I think we pick up as you are exiting the nebula.

You did dash through some small wreckage of some ships along the way that you had interacted with before you made it to your prize in the first place, and you don’t see any apparent survivors or see any distress signals.

We zoom in on the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight as the three of you are clustered over the instrument panel and Karma is trying to pick her next destination. Where are you going to go? You have this unidentified object and you need to figure out what it is and you need to figure out where to go next.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. How many of these things do we got left to get?

CAMERON (as Karma): Six more, right? Sentinel said it was seven.

HUDSON (as Tink): That makes… That makes sense. Okay, so we have six more to go. What if we surprise Sentinel and just get all of them before our next appointment with him?

LILIT (as Xianna): I would like to point out the issue that we don’t know what most of them are or where to find them.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you had told me I was looking for a Force artifact I probably would not have picked up this blue snow globe.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. I guess we’ll need a couple hints.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s just not super exciting looking. It’s pretty.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we know anyone who is an expert on Force things? I mean, I guess Sentinel.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Sentinel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel will know how to locate the rest, or he can use the Force to, I don’t know, connect to the other ones using this one? I don’t know.

HUDSON (as Tink): The Force isn’t used for everything, Xianna. You can only use it for a certain number of things like getting discounts off your pancakes at Space Denny’s for instance.

CAMERON (as Karma): No?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think you can use it for anything, because like the Force is in anything, or is everywhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): And if we’re thinking of things that the Force can do, I would think that tracking Force artifacts would seem to fall into the category. That would make sense.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh no! Are we gonna have to go to a library and do research? Because libraries always get upset when I try to bring snacks in.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, because it’s a library.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. They’re like “you are going to spill your snacks all over the holocrons,” and I’m like but what if I don’t? What if I eat my snack at the table?

HUDSON (as Tink): Not good enough. That’s how you get ants. Do you want ants?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I’m actually with Xianna on this one. If you’re gonna be sitting in the library for that long you need snacks.

LILIT (as Xianna): They should make a snack area where you can sit and eat your snack, and then once you are done with your snack you can go back to the holocrons and books or whatever we are calling them these days.


CAMERON: You know, those things you use for research, in libraries. Those things.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we should do some research and then surprise Sentinel with what we found to show that we have initiative and we can get gold stars on our report.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Does anybody have a valid library card? Because mine do not work anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I do. I go there to anonymously do things that are usually malicious on the holonet.

LILIT (as Xianna): But you have a library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes. I have to have one to use the computers there anonymously.


CAMERON (as Karma): Anonymously?

LILIT (as Xianna): But is it under a fake name or a real name?

HUDSON (as Tink): It was actually, through a big mishap, a combination.

LILIT (as Xianna): How is that possible?

HUDSON (as Tink): It says Minx Rallltinkraatakat, so my last name is on there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I would argue that is maybe a fake name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, okay. Well call me Minx if we’re there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because that is the problem is that my library card is from Ryloth and it has my real name on it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which I can’t use because it comes up as me being dead in the system, and they are like “ma’am, you can’t use this card, you are dead.”


LILIT (as Xianna): And then I’m like but I am not dead, clearly I am here, and then they threaten to call the cops on me.

[smooth jizz begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I have a question. Are all of the interplanetary library systems connected through like a master system? Because that takes a lot of organization throughout all of these intergalactic wars and stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you can go to the Empire-run libraries and those ones are all interconnected, they have like a centralized database, or you can go to the planetary ones which are centralized for the planet, or you can go to your local library.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow! So many options to learn and explore!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you’re wanting to get something quickly I’d recommend not using the Empire ones, because they tend to have a really long hold on all of the things that you would actually want to read.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and your local library can usually order books for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. We don’t have time for that. let’s go to the planetary ones.

LILIT (as Xianna): They also sometimes have holo dramas and movies and stuff too, not just the books and holocrons.

CAMERON (as Karma): And story times and other activities.

LILIT (as Xianna): Which they don’t let you bring your fucking snacks in!

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true.

NICK: This episode brought to you by your local library.

HUDSON: And viewers like you~


CAMERON: We pull up Space Google maps. “Libraries near me,” Search.

NICK: You’re in the Outer Rim right now.

LILIT: I have Outer Rim intelligence. I could roll to find the library. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah! [smiling] Roll to find a god damn library.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Okay fine, I’m rolling to find a god damn library!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: I mean, I don’t think I have anything that’s gonna…

HUDSON: Yeah, you don’t—Why would you need help?

LILIT: Why would I have anything that would help this? I mean, I would say this is an easy check, right?

NICK: Yeah, it’s a library. [laughs]

LILIT: That is one success and one advantage.

NICK: Great. Good job. You find a library.

LILIT: But on what planet?!

NICK: I’m googling Outer Rim planets.

LILIT: Is Lothal an Outer Rim planet or is that Mid Rim?

NICK: Lothal is an Outer Rim planet. Do you guys wanna go to Lothal?

LILIT: We can go to Lothal.

HUDSON: Let’s go to Lothal.


HUDSON (as Tink): To the library!

HUDSON: [does the Batman jingle] And then the screen spins like an old Batman cartoon.

[smooth jizz ends]

NICK: Okay. Xianna, looking over at the astro-maps as Karma is paging through, asking where you all need to go, you see that you’re not that far from an Outer Rim planet called Lothal. I don’t know if that’s a planet you’ve been to before, but it’s a fairly well-known one. You know that’s where loth-rats come from, and Creamsicle seems pretty cool, so why wouldn’t you go there? It does have an Empire presence but not overly strong. You think you should be okay.

LILIT: Xianna points at Lothal on the map.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, this one! I have not gotten kicked out of this library yet, so they won’t have my photo up. Also, it is where Creamsicle is from~

CAMERON (as Karma): The libraries are putting your photo up?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, because if you get kicked out of a library, like formally kicked out, they do keep a photo of you in their database of people who are not allowed back in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That’s shockingly never happened to me. I know we’re all shocked.

LILIT (as Xianna): They take your library card and they cut it up in front of you.

HUDSON: Under his breath Tink starts singing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Because I want Lothal or nothing at all~


NICK: Karma hits the hyperspace lever and you all snap into the blue tunnel as the stars stretch around you. After a quick cloth swipe we see you all coming into Lothal’s orbit and then we see the ship coming down to a gentle landing. Lothal is a desert-looking planet. It has some scrub brush, but it’s pretty arid, and you set down in one of the larger cities which is called…

So apparently the three major cities in Lothal are Jalath, Kothal, and Capital City.


CAMERON: I wanna go to Capital City!

HUDSON: I wanna go to Capital City too.

NICK: So as you are entering the atmosphere you see that there are several different population centers that are reasonably large where you could find a well-equipped library, and you choose Capital City as the one that you head to. We see the ship landing and we get a quick montage of you all hopping off of the ship and jumping into a speeder and riding through the city and navigating your way through. We come to you all standing in front of the Capital City library. Each of y’all provide a detail of what this library looks like.

CAMERON: Ooh. On either side of the doors there are giant loth-cats made out of stone.

NICK: Nice. Big old statues.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: They look worn and slightly damaged by industrial pollution, but they’re still quite majestic.

CAMERON: Very majestic.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: I am adding less of a building detail and more of a scene-setting detail in that Xianna does have a clear backpack on that is housing Creamsicle.

NICK: Okay. [chuckles]

LILIT: And it does have one of those little tiny drip water bottles and a tiny little spinny wheel, for Creamsicle to run around in, in the backpack.

NICK: That is adorable. Creamsicle has her paws up on the outside of the backpack and is looking out very excitedly at everything as it goes by. You realize she hasn’t been out of the ship very much since you found her except for an errant tea party and a couple of other small things, so this is a big adventure for her.

HUDSON: So right outside the library there’s a person with a picket sign and they’re trying to organize a holocron burning, or holocron destruction party, for books that they don’t agree with.

NICK: Huh… wonderful. [chuckles]

LILIT: We kick them!


HUDSON: We kick them on the way in.

NICK: They’re just very aggressive and dour looking people who are yelling about certain books that the library have, and they’re being vastly ignored by the population as people go by. They seem rather ineffective and small-minded.

So, you head past the holocron burners and up into this library. It looks a lot nicer on the outside than it does on the inside. Whereas the outside of the building looks to be stone and a very venerable building and have intricate carvings on the outside and statues, the inside is very industrial. It’s a plain open room.

There’s a large semi-circular desk as you walk in that appears to have somebody standing behind it greeting visitors. The library’s pretty much empty. There’s a row of terminals for research in the holonet, and there’s shelves and shelves of books just heading straight back into this large square room. The lights further back are off and appear to turn on as people get closer to them, like motion sensor lights to save energy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, all the world’s knowledge in one building.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): All the world’s knowledge?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, there was a lot wrong with that statement.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): This probably spans multiple worlds.

HUDSON (as Tink): All of the universe’s knowledge in one building.

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): And probably not that much. Somewhere in the middle.

NICK: As you all are standing there the being that is behind this librarian counter gestures with one of his arms to wave you over. You see that this person, as you get closer, is a Harch. A Harch is like a large anthropomorphic spider, and the one in front of you has dark gray fur and black streaks in the fur with green eyes and is wearing kind of a Coruscant-y business robe with multiple layers draped. You can see that it has six arms and two legs and some large mandibles but looks very friendly and is wearing thick six-lensed glasses that cover each of its eyes. While he looks to be a little disheveled and his robes aren’t perfectly neat or anything, he does look very friendly as he waves at you.

NICK (as Jenner): Well hello there, everybody. If you could please come in out of the doorway. We don’t want to let the atmosphere out.

CAMERON: Karma walks further into the library.

NICK: This spider person gestures widely.

NICK (as Jenner): Welcome to my library. It’s so nice to have you here. You know, the protestors outside have just really ruined things for everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, they didn’t bother me too much. I just ignored it.

NICK (as Jenner): Probably the best, probably the best, but not everybody is interested. I am Librarian Jenner. Nice to meet you. What brings you to this fine repository of knowledge?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well we’re on a mission from our Je—I mean, um…

NICK (as Jenner): I’m sorry, from your what?

HUDSON (as Tink): From our Je—Um… J-Jebediah, our friend, sent us to look up some stuff.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I see. That seems very fluid and not covering for any sort of misspeak at all. Thank you for speaking so openly with me. I do appreciate that.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stumbling] You’re welcome.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Jenner): And what knowledge can I help you seek on this fine day? Well first of all, do you have a library card? It’s extremely important that you have your library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got one right here.

NICK (as Jenner): Ah, Minx Rallltinkraatakat. Nice. Thank you for coming back to the Outer Rim Library System. Always a pleasure, always a pleasure. This photo doesn’t look like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I was in a terrible accident. I look ugly as shit now.



LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink, you look beautiful now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, thanks.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I know all about being an awkward adolescent. It’s alright with me. I used to be an egg, you know. [chuckles enthusiastically and sighs contently]

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles awkwardly]

CAMERON: Karma looks kind of uncomfortable but laughs politely.

NICK (as Jenner): So, you are here ,and you are here looking for books. What can I help you find? We’ve got holocrons. We’ve got the holonet. We’ve got books, apparently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so—

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Can we just like peruse?

NICK (as Jenner): Oh!

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, look. Not that we do not want your help, it is just that we are very antisocial and very introverted and shy.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh yes, of course, of course. My apologies. It’s just been so long since anyone’s come in to visit.

NICK: You can see that he’s nudging something kind of under the desk, and you can’t see exactly what he’s doing back there but he seems to be messing with something with his bottom two sets of arms.

NICK (as Jenner): But yes, please take all the time that you need. Look around. If you have any questions or you’re looking for anything specifically I’ll be right here.

HUDSON (as Tink): One thing I want to get a lead on, since there’s just so much to look for… What’s happening is, with Jebediah, they’re wanting us to do research because we’re playing this tabletop game with them about intergalactic space wars…


NICK: Jesus.

LILIT: [groans]

HUDSON (as Tink): …and we’re looking for Jedi Force artifact information to make the game real realistic, you know?

NICK: Roll me a Deception check.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh my goodness.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, you’re playing Edge of the Empire. That’s one of my favorite pastimes.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and two additional successes.

NICK: Jesus. I’m upset.

HUDSON: Now they wanna join our game. [laughs]

NICK: No. [laughs] Is there something you want to use that triumph on that springs to mind?

HUDSON: Someone had just returned a ton of books on Jedi artifacts that’s in a stack right beside him.

NICK: Perfect.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Jenner): Oh! Wonderful. Yes. Are you playing Edge of the Empire or Age of Rebellion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… it’s Edge of the Empire.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, Edge of the Empire. You know, the newer rules do have a little bit more depth to them, there are some more options, but I find that the proprietary dice system does make for better storytelling and tactical combat. God-awful space combat though. Just, whatever you do, don’t fight in space if you can avoid it. It’s not good. But yes, if you’re looking for real Jedi artifacts, someone just recently returned books for the same reason. Here’s a pile right here.

NICK: He taps at a large pile of ancient and dusty tomes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, this is perfect. Thank you. I guess we’ll be taking those and going and doing some research. Thanks Kenner, Jenner… Jen? Ken?

NICK (as Jenner): Jenner. My name is Jenner.

HUDSON (as Tink): Jenner! Jenner, got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where are the books about animals?

NICK (as Jenner): There’s lots of books about animals. Are you looking for care or…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you implying that most of this library is books about animals?

NICK (as Jenner): Well, arguably the only interesting thing about Lothal is the strange fauna that they have here, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine! Nerd. I am looking for books on loth-rats and like their care and maintenance and what kind of food is best for them and all of that.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, that would be 590 on the Dianoga Decimal System, Zoological Sciences. You’ll find it on the back row near the windows.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, thankyou~

CAMERON (as Karma): Can you point me in the direction of the romance novels?

NICK (as Jenner): Yes. We don’t have a lot of fiction since the Empire moved in a decade ago. They’ve been mostly focused on the scientific works, it’s hard to get the budget for entertainment, but what fiction we do have is alpha-by-author over against that wall over there. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Fabulous. Thank you.

NICK: You’ll notice that he’s been pointing with each of his individual arms in different directions and then holding it, so now he kinda looks like one of those which-way signs. You all are able to wander off into the library leaving Jenner the Harch over by the desk. Tink, as you walk by, you notice he seems to be actively trying to hold something heavy under the desk out of sight, but you don’t think too much about it. You are able to do some research~


NICK: Anybody who wants to, make me an Education roll.

HUDSON: I’ll do it.

CAMERON: [sighs] I mean, there’s multiple books, we can all try.

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What about a Skulduggery check?

NICK: Are… Are you casing the library?

LILIT: Sure, why not?

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT: And in casing the library I might, you know, notice things like the Decimal system and what books are where, and all of the exits, and in doing so maybe figure out where to look.

NICK: Sure, a hard Skulduggery check, average Education check from everybody else.

CAMERON: Two successes for Karma.

HUDSON: Two failures and an advantage.

NICK: Were you looking at the romance novels, karma, or were you looking…?

CAMERON: Well so, Karma was over at the fiction section, grabbed several romance novels that had sexily clad people on the front in the typical dramatic poses, and then walks over to the table that Tink had set the Force books down at. She just sets the romance novels to the side, because she’s just gonna check those out later, and then opens up one of the Force books.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I got one success and one advantage.

NICK: Awesome. So Tink, you’re pouring through these books looking for information on the Shattered Force items, and you’re not getting a lot of the information that you had hoped to. Turns out most of the things that you were handed were rulebooks for some sort of tabletop game, so like, the lore isn’t super accurate but you know exactly what the stats for everything are which is kinda fun.

HUDSON: [intrigued] Hmm.

NICK: Karma, you do actually manage to find a book that’s more based on history and you find some interesting information, but Xianna, Skulduggery-ing your way around the library, you do notice that there are several exits. You notice that this building has a lot less security cameras than the last library that you were in, being in prison at the time, and one thing that you notice that’s a little weird is that Jenner sounded really confident about the Dianoga Decimal System and where the books were, and you notice that the Zoological Sciences shelf is not where he pointed. It’s on like an entirely different part of the library.

You were able to find it, but his directions have just been incorrect. Seems kind of weird. Not sure what purpose he would be able to serve by just sending you to the wrong area, but you are able to find several good books about loth-rat care and snacks that make loth-rats happy and the like.

LILIT: Is everyone like at a table?

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna comes back with a huge stack of books, sets them down, and then starts opening them up, and with a little lock picking tool starts finding where the little security bar codes are and starts prying them out…

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: …and then, some of the books that seem the most interesting, putting them into pockets of the coat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, in case we need them, these are where the exits are…

LILIT: And points over to the exits, much in a flight attendant fashion.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and oh, by the way, I think that librarian is not a real librarian. Maybe he killed the real librarian and took his place, but something’s wrong with that.

CAMERON (as Karma): What? Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, he did not know where anything was. He pointed us in the wrong direction in case nobody else noticed that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. The romance books were where he said they were, but there is a giant sign above it that says fiction, so… that one may have been easy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. There is something weird going on.

HUDSON: I pick up Karma’s book.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, Tad Talmoth, the Torrid Tale on Tatooine. Good one.

NICK: Good ass alliteration! As Tink is looking through the romance novel and Xianna is giving that information, Karma, you’re digging through this book and you find some specialized knowledge. You actually find descriptions of the Shattered Force specifically with little descriptions and drawings and a little more information. It’s very much mythologically based, it’s not scientifically done, but it’s enough that you get a better inkling for what you’re dealing with. As you’re turning through the pages you notice a hand-drawn sketch on one of the pages of that blue orb. Did you bring that with you or is it still on the ship?

CAMERON: Probably still on the ship.

NICK: Okay. It’s described as the Spirit Breaker. Supposedly it gives people unmatched vitality in connection to their own internal health but that it separates people from the spiritual world, whatever the heck that means. You now know what that one is called. On other pages you see hand-drawn pictures of other items, some of which look familiar to you, some of which you haven’t seen before.

You see a stone tablet that looks like it’s got some technology sunk into it and it’s called the Stone Breaker, which seems familiar to you. You see a red crystal set into a little tiara thing called the Sight Breaker. You can see a long yellow crystal rod that they call the Space Breaker, and that looks kind of familiar, and then a large stone staff that looks to be about as tall as a person is and it’s called the Bone Breaker, and you see these gold and blue flowing robes called the Heart Breaker which you know you were sent after before. Then, the last artifact says that very little is known about it, but it’s the one that ties them all together.

You search through these books for about an hour and that information I gave you is kind of a summary of what you are able to glean from it. A lot of it is very vague, but some of these items look very familiar to you. They are things that you’ve crossed paths with before, and you may actually have some ideas on where some of them are.

CAMERON: So, as Karma is flipping through all of the books, she’s taking a picture with her data pad any time there’s a page that has useful information on it so that we can look back later and don’t have to remember all of this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, Karma, we can just steal that book. This is an Empire-run library, so like, it’s okay to steal the books.

CAMERON (as Karma): But now I also have a digital copy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, but then we can have a physical one to look through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but then I don’t have to carry the book around with me all the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): But we could have that for reference on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we can do both.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying, you should never steal books from your local libraries, but if it is an Empire-run library it is totally okay.

HUDSON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I prefer the physical feel of books rather than just the weird holocron stuff. There’s just a difference. The smell, the texture, the flipping the pages between your fingers, it’s unlike anything else.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I like using them to hide drugs.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s that too.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow! Those are two very different use cases.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because if you have like a shelf in your room full of books most people don’t just pick up the books and start flipping through them, or if they do they pick up the cool-looking books, so you fill your bookshelf with a bunch of sad boring books and then nobody looks through those, and those are the ones where you hide drugs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or money, or whatever you want to hide.

CAMERON: Karma has been continuing to take photos as this happens.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… I found a lot in this book. I think we should take it. It seems useful. I feel like there’s a lot more information that we could have been told when we were given this job based on the things that I am reading in this book. There should have been more information available to Sentinel during that powerpoint presentation and I’m not quite sure why there wasn’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sentinel’s presentation was very bad outside of the transitions and stuff.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, A+ animations, it was very well put together, just the content I think… Do y’all remember our audition for all of this stuff?

HUDSON (as Tink): In the beginning?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, way back in the beginning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I stole that little gray box carton thing that had the weird creature that, you know, helped destroy that, uh… destroyer. Yeah, it destroyed the destroyer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, not quite that far back, so not from our individual auditions but the first little baby job we got when we had to go see Falx.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Yeah, we had to rescue some stormtroopers or bring them back and then we didn’t, and we let them go frolic or whatever, and there were the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): The reason that we were there, though, was because Sentinel had sent us to pick up this.

CAMERON: Karma points at a page, and it has a picture of the Stone Breaker.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, the Stone Breaker! Why did you not say so?

NICK: There’s a dramatic swell of music as the camera zooms in on the drawing of the artifact.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… that’s obviously one thing that Sentinel obviously knows about, and could have told us about, and is apparently part of this Shattered Force thing. Also…

CAMERON: Flips a few pages, points.

CAMERON (as Karma): …your dildo is in here!

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] The yellow dildo! Yes. Oh fuck… uh, I did fence that to Nolaa. I’m going to have to call her and see if she has sold it yet. That will be awkward.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s at least, like… We at least know now a path towards finding it again even if she has sold it already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean yeah, and if she has sold it we will know who has bought it and then we can go steal it from them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or acquire it in some other fashion. Yeah, we can go and retrieve the item.

LILIT (as Xianna): We would have to pay for it, and I don’t want to spend my credits on that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe Sentinel didn’t give us all the information because he pulled up the wrong version of the powerpoint slides and just didn’t realize it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh. Do you think he pulled up like a draft and hadn’t put in all the information yet?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yep, that has to be what it is. It’s not like he wouldn’t trust us.

CAMERON (as Karma): But I… But… But I feel like if you’re giving a presentation and it’s, like, you’re realizing that not all your slides are there, you continue presenting the information even if you no longer have the visuals to go along with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think some people just read off every single thing in the powerpoint and forget that you can just use it as a guide.

CAMERON (as Karma): But like, he didn’t really have words in his powerpoint. It was like all pictures and then the transitions.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel is just really bad at presentations.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, do you think that is something they teach you in Jedi school?

CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t see how often it would come up and be necessary.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I feel like most of what they teach them is just fighting, so why would they teach them how to do powerpoint presentations?

CAMERON (as Karma): Power is bad, right? That’s a Sith thing? So they wouldn’t do powerpoint presentations.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, they would use Google Slides.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, Google Slides.


LILIT (as Xianna): You’re right, you are right.

CAMERON (as Karma): But also…

CAMERON: Flips a few more pages.

CAMERON (as Karma): …the Heart Breaker robe looked very different before they got their hands on it for that fashion show.

CAMERON: And like holds up the book and shows the yellow and blue actual full costume.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think we should go try to find the scrap fabric, assuming they kept it, or do we go find the thong?

CAMERON (as Karma): Sentinel said that the thong would be enough.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’re gonna have more success tracking down Illith than…

LILIT (as Xianna): Would we though? Would we?

CAMERON (as Karma): So we just, we need to put out a search and just have it ping us whenever a new fashion show is announced.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] I know what we will do, but we will need many, many months of planning, so maybe we should do the other ones first. We throw a magnificent masquerade ball and they will not be able to say no to that, and we send them an invitation, and they will be so curious that they will go to the masquerade ball, and then we can steal it from them there. Or, alternatively, we invite them mysteriously to a winter lodge in the dead of winter on some planet and we have somebody tell all these people that they have been invited by a singular person, and then we do a murder mystery party!

CAMERON (as Karma): What does that have to do with the thong?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well we say that we like have blackmail on them and they need to bring the thong to the winter lodge and that all will be revealed there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is all getting revealed because they’re taking the thong off?

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we have to like create weather conditions that like avalanche and trap us into the building and then we kill somebody…

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, what?

LILIT (as Xianna): …and we have a murder mystery!

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you on, uh, drugs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe, but like, mind your own business.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I just feel like the whole murder mystery thing is complicating it a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will do the masquerade ball.

CAMERON (as Karma): Having a large party where we weren’t being framed for murder would be fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t guarantee that they would bring the thong to the masquerade, but—

HUDSON (as Tink): We can make it thong themed.

CAMERON (as Karma): [splutters] What?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Nooo.

CAMERON (as Karma): Your costume, only thongs, and masks.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We could kidnap them there, or bribe them, or just offer money. I’m not entirely sure how we would get the thong from the masquerade. I think I just more wanted to do the masquerade. But I still feel like the murder mystery one has a good base to it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think the big thing is just getting us in contact with Illith, so the masquerade’s sole purpose could be to just attract their attention and get them to come to our party.

LILIT (as Xianna): We could also invite Falx and then stab him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?! Why?

LILIT (as Xianna): To get him in one spot, and then we stab and we frame Illith.

CAMERON (as Karma): WHY?!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Because they stole from me!

LILIT: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] But…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we won’t do that. We will just use it as an excuse to get Illith onto a planet so that we know where they are and then we can go, like, sneak onto their ship and steal the “Heart Breaker robe.”

CAMERON (as Karma): Or we could just talk to them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you not remember what happened last time?

CAMERON (as Karma): We just have to find a more fabulous thong to trade with it, like something more fashionable than it to convince Illith to trade with us.

LILIT (as Xianna): If the fashion was why they stole it. I think it was because it has magical effects.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure it was just the fashion aspect of it judging by what else they purchased at the auction.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you say so. Anyways, I feel like we should maybe deal with the Stone Breaker and the yellow dildo first.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agreed.

NICK: So where do y’all wanna go? What’s your plan?

LILIT: Space-wise, are we closer to wherever Nolaa currently is? Well, I guess they wouldn’t be on Ithor anymore, probably, because the herdship got blown up.

CAMERON: Yeah, but if it was on the herdship when it went down then it’s probably in the crash site.

NICK: Yeah, it’s probably lost in the jungle somewhere.

LILIT: Oh, okay. So are we closer to Ithor or wherever Nolaa is currently staying?

NICK: So, I’m gonna answer that…

LILIT: With a riddle! [giggles]

NICK: [laughs] Space is a joke. Ithor is several days closer.

CAMERON: Karma slides the Force book over to Xianna to remove the tracking tag.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna pops out the little security tag and slides that book into somewhere on the coat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Also, if we want to do something fun we can figure out why the librarian is so shifty. My theory is that they killed the real librarian and hid the body somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think they’re a spy and they’re being told to watch out for us.


LILIT (as Xianna): I have maybe just been listening to too many true crime holocasts.

NICK: So, as you are packing up your gear and talking quietly amongst yourselves you can see that Jenner is pressed up against the desk and has been idly typing on one of the holo pads sunk into the desk with a couple of his hands and appears to be looking around the library quite rapidly. You surprise him a little bit as you get close.

NICK (as Jenner): So! Ah, you’re back. Hopefully you were able to find everything that you needed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Yes. Thank you for your assistance.

CAMERON: Karma slides over the three romance novels and points to Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): He’s gonna check these out.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna check these out.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, wonderful, yes. If I could just see your library card again… thank you, and I’ll just log into this computer.

LILIT: And when Tink hands over his library card, Xianna pretends to trip and bumps into Tink so that the library card falls on the floor on the other side of the desk.


LILIT: Which would give Xianna an opening to look behind the desk.

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: What would that be?

NICK: Skulduggery. That’s very much a Skulduggery thing.

LILIT: Skulduggery…

NICK: We’ll say it’s average though, because I feel like making Tink drop something is probably not that hard.

LILIT: That is five successes and three advantages.

NICK: Yeah, just describe it. You get to do whatever you want. You are very good at this.

LILIT: Yes. As Tink begins to hold out his card, Xianna is going to pretend reach for a pen. I’m imagining it is a little desk that has an upper portion and then there is a lowered portion behind it.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: Yeah. So Xianna reaches for a pen on this top portion and then suddenly trips into Tink…

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Watch it! Whoa!

LILIT: …slamming her arm down on top of his and sliding a little bit, causing the card to tumble out of his hand and land on the floor behind the desk.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink! I am so sorry! I was just trying to get a pen so I could write a note, a reminder for myself for later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Over here being a clumsy Catherine. Alright, whatever.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am. I’m so sorry. You know me, I am very clumsy and not coordinated at all. It is a well-known trait of mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay~

LILIT (as Xianna): And my name is indeed Catherine.


HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not a traditional Twi’lek name, but as you well know I grew up on an Inner Rim planet of Coruscant and, you know, my parents picked a more traditional Human name.

HUDSON (as Tink): What a backstory!


LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, no problem, let me just lean over here and get that library card for you.

LILIT: As he is leaning over, Xianna wants to hoist herself up a little bit over the top rim of the desk and take a peek behind it and underneath and see what is going on back there.

NICK: With how successful you’ve been, there is a Human kind of curled up. They don’t look dead, there’s no blood or anything, but there’s a Human just kind of shoved unceremoniously under the desk.

LILIT: [laughs] Xianna just still hoisted and propped up goes:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah-ha! See, I told you!

HUDSON (as Tink): What did you see? What do you see?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I told you, that the real librarian is underneath the desk being propped up.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh… how were you so smooth and then just immediately said out loud the thing you were trying to decide?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, it is okay, we are stealing from the library anyways.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): So like, I just say we do a fun little trade and, you know, we don’t do anything about this dead body and then you don’t do anything about us, and we just go on our separate ways.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, he’s not dead, at least I don’t think so.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, unconscious body.

NICK: You can see that four of Jenner’s arms were reaching into his robe, clearly for hold out blasters, and then slowly come back out.

NICK (as Jenner): Yes, perhaps we could work something out. I’m here fighting the good fight, you see, trying to take down the Empire. If you’re stealing from an Empire library then surely you could relate to that. What do we say you take these books and neither of us ever saw each other? How does that sound?

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds great. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): But I’m seeing you right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Oh my goodness. I will explain what he means later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

NICK (as Jenner): Well, as long as there are no follow-up questions as to what my plan is, may you all have a lovely day.

LILIT: Xianna gives a jaunty little salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, have a great day and may the Force be with you or whatever. Goodbye!

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma picks up her romance novels and turns and leaves.

NICK: Yeah. As you’re turning to go, Jenner raises a hand.

NICK (as Jenner): Oh, one more thing. One more thing, friends, if you could stop before you exit.

CAMERON: I turn around.

HUDSON: I turn around.

LILIT: Xianna turns around, hands are in pockets, just in case.

NICK (as Jenner): Minx, you forgot your library card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… thank you. Place it on the table.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as Jenner): Oh… okay.

NICK: He sets it down on the table and puts his hands back slowly.

NICK (as Jenner): You just don’t want any… evidence that you were here, right? That would be bad, considering you’re stealing from the Empire.

HUDSON (as Tink): That is if my name is really Minx.

NICK (as Jenner): Ah, I see. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, I see what you’re saying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I took out all the security bars from all the books, so like… what are they going to do? They can’t track them now.

NICK (as Jenner): Well yes, but… just take your card please and go away. I’m doing very important business here.

LILIT (as Xianna): So are we!

NICK (as Jenner): Wonderful! Wonderful! I hope you enjoy your Edge of the Empire game with all your Jedi research.

LILIT (as Xianna): You understand that was a cover that we made up, right?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, did you hear him? That was so poorly rehearsed. It was obviously fake, and I will have to have a long talk with him later about how to come up with better backstories.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who even plays Edge of the Empire?


LILIT (as Xianna): Nobody! It is a game for nerds! Do we look like nerds to you?!

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: God.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 16 Vertical Thinking

PDF download: S2 Episode 16 Vertical Thinking

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 16:
Vertical Thinking

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking WillScarlet7362 for your kind podcast review. Thank you for helping others to find the show.

Next up, I have some new patrons to thank.

Crystal Baker, thank you so much for supporting the show. The squad is actually pretty desperate for some heavy weapon support. Karma left a rocket launcher lying around here somewhere. Grab that and some ammo and head out, will you? They’ll probably be fine, but a few more missiles couldn’t hurt, right?

Raul Castro, thank you for supporting us. I do have a special assignment for you. Kettle the crime lord seems to have been collecting things behind the scenes for quite a while. Could you make friends with her and figure out what’s going on? She won’t return my calls anymore.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 16! Our Season 2 can drive now! Everyone’s all very excited about the party, but I did get them a used bicycle for their birthday, so Season 2’s a little grumpy about it, but you know, eventually they’ll be able to get their own transportation. I’m your host and game master, Nick! Thanks for coming. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are, who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience from the last time let me know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m  Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I didn’t spend any of my experience points because I’m a hoarder.

NICK: Good for you! I like that you stick to your guns, even if you don’t have any training in guns. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I also did not spend any points, but it’s because I’m saving them… for something.

HUDSON: For marriage.


LILIT: No, for something. I’m not sure yet.


LILIT: Maybe I’ll buy a nice hat. [chuckles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Or a giant burrito. Who knows?


NICK: So if you only have a couple of experience points the pro strategy is to spend those on those little erasers and use that to make sure you use as many as possible, because you always think like “hey, I’m gonna save my experience until I come back next time,” but you never manage to keep them until the next time you come back.

LILIT: My brother and I had SO many Chuck E. Cheese tickets.


LILIT: So many. I think it was just one of those weird shitty things that my mother did, but she like never wanted us to spend the tickets, and she was always like “well no, you gotta save them so you can buy something bigger,” and we were like yeah, but we wanna use them now, because we’re children and we will not be children forever, mother!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Our childhood is fleeting and will be gone in a few years and we won’t be able to use and consume the Chuck E. Cheese tickets! Let us use them now~!

CAMERON: We always cashed in our tickets for the sticky hands and candy.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

LILIT: So we had a gigantic fucking bag of Chuck E. Cheese tickets, and I don’t think we ever got to actually spend them.

NICK: And now they’re bankrupt.

LILIT: Yeah, and now I am way too old to enter a Chuck E. Cheese.

NICK: Well, you have to borrow a kid.

LILIT: Yeah. I have to go find a child to bring with me.

NICK: [grinning] And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I did spend my experience…

NICK: Ooh~

CAMERON: …because I finally had enough to get the things that I wanted. So, on my Marauder talent tree I bought a rank of Heroic Fortitude. I can spend a Destiny Point to ignore effects of critical injuries on Brawn or Agility checks until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Oh cool.

CAMERON: I also bought another rank in Toughened, so my wound threshold went up by another 2.

NICK: Wonderful. So before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

NICK: Hey, good job, Lilit.

CAMERON: Yay Lilit~

NICK: So that’s two and two?


NICK: Wonderful. When we last left off you all had been in a high-speed running dogfight through the Typhonic Nebula, and you were being chased by Endo the Tognath who had somehow discovered where you were, and you were able to disable his ship and destroy some of his compatriots, and you were just now swinging in to land on this small uncharted moon that Sentinel provided you the coordinates for. So that’s where we’re gonna kick it off.

You find yourself on a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula. You’ve disembarked and are heading towards a small square building on the northern pole of the moon. The ground beneath you is dusty, nondescript and gray. The sky above you is a roiling green. The door into the building is a simple staircase leading down. So, we open on the four of you standing before this dark creepy staircase leading down into this small moon. The three of you are wearing breathing masks and HK is not, because HK doesn’t breathe.

{Transcriber’s Note: When speaking in character, the players’ audio has an effect to sound like they are speaking through spacesuits.}

HUDSON: Tink turns to the group and says:

HUDSON (as Tink): Does the sky look roil and green today?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as HK): That is because this moon is inside a nebula which is made of space gas.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was trying.

LILIT (as Xianna): …but I’m just not thinking of one right now.

NICK: The darkness of the staircase seems to beckon you onward.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m feeling really beckoned right now. Let’s go.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who wants to go down first? It is dark.

CAMERON (as Karma): I will.

CAMERON: Karma pops up her carbine and points it down, because it’s got heat vision, and starts walking down.

NICK: I mean, you have glow rods, too. Like, you could just have light.

CAMERON: But it’s more fun to do the gun.

NICK: Well you can do that too.

CAMERON: Okay. Then she does the cool thing that you always see in the crime—if you have the flashlight on top of the giant gun and you’re running around corners.

NICK: Cool. So you’re taking point?


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, then you go.

HUDSON: I get glow sticks and I start going…

HUDSON (as Tink): Unce! Unce! Unce!

HUDSON: …and start flipping them around.

NICK: No! It’s a common misconception. Glow rods in Star Wars…

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, ooh, ooh! Is that what we are doing now?


NICK: …are just flashlights. They’re just called glow rods because it sounds more spacy.

CAMERON: Does it though?

LILIT: Turn around and Xianna’s already in a mesh outfit.


NICK: [groans and sighs trying to compose himself]

LILIT: Candy necklace. Those big fuzzy boots. You don’t know where any of it came from, but… [laughs]

CAMERON: That’s just what she wears under the coat.

HUDSON: Little do we know that my skill in using those light-up yoyos and flinging them around everywhere will come in handy at the final boss.

NICK: [laughs] The final boss is just busy staring at their hands.

LILIT: Glow rods are not glow sticks, they are just a stupid Star Wars term for flashlight.


NICK: You can have glow sticks if you want, though. [laughs] Cool, so you head down the stairs I guess.

LILIT: Xianna just pops on her night vision goggles.

NICK: Karma has her heat vision, HK has his advanced robotic eyes, Xianna has scanner goggles, and Tink has a flashlight.


NICK: You head down into the darkness.

[dramatic and suspenseful music begins]

You descend for a long time before coming to an empty room deep within the moon. Your breathing masks show that the atmosphere here is breathable, and you can see the faint outline of a door but otherwise it appears to be a solid wall.

HUDSON: I try to open the door-like figure.

NICK: You push on the door. It sure feels like a solid wall. Some deep-seated feeling in you makes you think that you’re going to have to investigate the area and find some way to move forward.

LILIT: Xianna turns to HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, can you just shoot the door open? Ooh! Do we have any thermal detonators? We could just blow it up.

[dramatic and suspenseful music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought you were about to ask him to go into Investigator Mode and I was gonna be so upset.


LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I would never do that to our friend HK. That is a fate worse than death.

NICK (as HK): Thank you for understanding how horrible that was. But yes, absolutely. Suppressing fire.

NICK: [gun power-up and firing noises] And HK starts shooting at the wall. The wall is blackened by the impact of blaster bolts. The sound of this large caliber weapon being fired over and over again is super loud in this small enclosed underground space. It appears to be taking little chunks out of the wall, but it seems otherwise like a solid piece of stone, so this may take a while.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, this seems like it may take a while. I guess we wait.

NICK: [more gun firing noises]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we will all go up and have a picnic on the ship while HK slowly chips away at this wall.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, we’ll run out of bullets, and we might need those for real killins later.

CAMERON (as Karma): Bullets?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we will all save our own bullets, and besides, nobody has a slug thrower here. We are all using lasers.

HUDSON (as Tink): Slug thrower?

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, like one of those super, super old guns with the bullets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as HK): It’s fine. I have extra power packs. If you want to go and engage in the organic predilection for “tea parties” I will give you a com call when I am done.

NICK: [more firing noises]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We can make those little cucumber sandwiches and have like scones and little cups of tea and we will put fun hats on. [gasps] We will get a tiny, tiny little hat for Creamsicle! And we will give Creamsicle…

HUDSON (as Tink): If you all think this is gonna work I’m not gonna stop anything.

LILIT (as Xianna): We will give Creamsicle their own cup of tea, but we will have to go find a doll set somewhere on the ship – I’m sure there is a doll set somewhere – and then we can make a tiny little cup of tea and tiny, tiny sandwiches and scones, and it will be very cute.

NICK: [grinning] So we cut away to the three of y’all and Creamsicle.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You’re out on this barren moon. There’s been a clear bubble erected around it so that you don’t have to try to drink through your breathing masks.

[delicate piano music begins]

You have a little checkered blanket laid out, and somewhere from the kitchen there’s a tea set and people are wearing little party hats. From the staircase leading down you can just see bright flashing green lights and hear lasers echoing.


LILIT: So we definitely have a checkered picnic blanket on the ground. Xianna has gone back to the ship and found a little summer cotton dress kind of a thing, has a big hat with a big giant ribbon and bow and little flowers on it. Tink has a matching hat.

HUDSON: I have a picnic vest on.

LILIT: Yes. It’s very cute.

NICK: Please define picnic vest.

HUDSON: So you know how there’s a red and white checkered mat we’re gonna be sitting on for a picnic?

LILIT: Uh-huh.

HUDSON: My vest is just the same thing, same material too.


NICK: Oh, okay. Okay cool, cool.

LILIT: Yeah, and somewhere on the ship we did find a dollhouse that is the appropriate scale for Creamsicle.

CAMERON: And for some reason we had a full silver tea service set in the kitchen, because why wouldn’t you on a party boat.

LILIT: Yeah, it’s a fancy party yacht, so there’s a tea set somewhere, and of course there was a fancy child at some point on the ship who had a fancy doll house with little tiny cups, and so Creamsicle has her own little setup. We have a tiny little box, it’s probably just a fast food box of some sort, but we’ve turned it into a little picnic table for Creamsicle.

NICK: We see you all sitting under this atmosphere bubble. You’ve dressed up.

CAMERON: Karma is wearing her armor and has just added a Pride and Prejudice style bonnet. Over head tails. It doesn’t super fit, but… it’s working. It’s got a ribbon to tie under her chin so it’s fine. It’ll stay on.

NICK: This is a surprisingly warm and gentle scene of the three of you all relaxing with your pet rat, and the camera pans away to show this desolate and foreboding moonscape and then pans back to this nice warm bubble of tea party. Who’s pouring the tea?

HUDSON: I am, pinky out.

NICK: Lovely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hello. Would you like tea?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you do not have to do a fancy voice, but yes, I would like some tea, thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Chip, chip, cheerio.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t… Why?

HUDSON: I pour the tea with my pinky out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh-ho-ho.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay… I’m going to get a little cup for Creamsicle. I don’t know if she can even have the tea, but you know, it’s for the aesthetics.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh Creamsicle, do you prefer chamomile or light green?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Why the fuck did we bring chamomile?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did we pick green tea?!

LILIT (as Xianna): That is like a sleepy time tea. I like green tea!

CAMERON (as Karma): I need caffeine~

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s the chamomile that can fuck right off. That is for when you are going to sleep and we are about to go do whatever it is after HK finishes his job.

NICK: The camera pans over to the nearby staircase and you see the flashing green lights and hear [firing noises].

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We should have brought a robust morning breakfast tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, we have breakfast tea, but it has elements of this morning’s breakfast in it. I actually made a spill this morning.

CAMERON (as Karma): … What?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not how you make a breakfast tea. It’s just a certain type of tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, I brewed the breakfast tea, and then I was eating breakfast and I tripped and all of my breakfast went into the tea.

[piano music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): How many teapots do we even have?

HUDSON (as Tink): Two.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so there’s this one, there’s the kettle… I guess you technically could make tea in the caf pot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, so we have a pot of chamomile, a pot of green tea, and then somehow a third pot with the breakfast-breakfast tea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): But if we only have two teapots what is happening?

HUDSON (as Tink): The third one’s in a carafe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, a carafe. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we should have just boiled hot water and then everyone have their own little teabags and tea strainers and stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, quite right, quite right.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, uh, Xianna, would you like some sugar?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, yes please.

CAMERON (as Karma): One lump or two?

LILIT (as Xianna): One, and then I put a little squeezy of lemon.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whenever I squeeze lemon it gets in my eye.

CAMERON (as Karma): Aim it the other way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. You can’t aim it towards yourself.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I can’t see it being squeezed unless I’m looking.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers and sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [stammers] You… You put it in your hand, you make sure it is facing the right way, and then you point it away from yourself.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll try that next time.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we just buy you the pre-squeezed lemon in that little tiny bottle.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] The one that looks like a lemon itself and so it’s like self-referential? Yeah!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe that would just be easier for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, probably. I mean, quite hitherto, yes-yes, yes-yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Quite right. Quite right.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that word means what you think it means, but okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, hitherto?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s one more than hither-one.


HUDSON: Ha-ha!

NICK: You get a com call and you hear:

NICK (as HK): Proclamation: The doorway has been demolished. By your leisure, organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, okie!

LILIT: Xianna grabs a tea sandwich and shoves it in her mouth and then puts the rebreather on top of it.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma unties the bonnet and sets it on the ground and gets up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks HK. Creamsicle, do you wanna stay here and keep having tea?

LILIT (as Creamsicle): Cheep-cheep. Cheep-cheep-cheep. Cheep.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, she’s eating the sandwich so I’m gonna assume yes.

NICK: So, you leave the spread out for Creamsicle who looks happy as a loth-rat at a picnic, and you head down the now echoingly silent staircase. It seems so quiet now that it’s not being actively bombarded by heavy weaponry. You get to the bottom of the staircase, crunching your way over shattered pieces of pottery and symbols that were etched into the walls and keyholes that were near the hinges and all sorts of interesting things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s a smoking hole that seems to lead deeper into the moon, and HK’s blaster, the barrels are all glowing brightly with heat, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): Normally I am not much for excavation, but that did work out some stress. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, thank you, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh. Thank you, yeah.

NICK (as HK): Well, whoever wants to continue onward. Maybe there will be more walls to shoot.

CAMERON (as Karma): Possibly.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh!

CAMERON: Karma steps over rubble and starts continuing forward.

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a whole lot of pottery in here.

CAMERON: Crunch.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s just like shattered pots.

[dramatic and suspenseful music returns]

So, you continue down this other hallway, deeper into the moon. The planetoid is very small. This moon is not that big. You worry that if you continue much deeper you’ll go through the core and have to deal with the gravity changing on you.

You come to another chamber, and in this chamber it’s a large round room, and suspending in the middle is a ceramic ball on a thin cable. There are multiple holes in the walls around the room that look to be about the size of the ball with different symbols etched above them. if anyone wants to try and read these they are gonna need to make a Knowledge: Lore check, or Knowledge: Education.

[dramatic and suspenseful music ends]

HUDSON: Heh, I have nothing in both.

LILIT: I have Outer Rim and Underworld.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’ve got Underworld.

LILIT: I have Skulduggery?

HUDSON: I’ll try to read it.

NICK: Yeah, it’s a hard check, but you have like 4 Intellect don’t you? So you should be okay.


LILIT: I only have a 2 Intellect, so…


NICK: Okay, so it’s going to be a hard check, Hudson.

HUDSON: First I turn and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): What kind of sports arena is this?

HUDSON: Two failures and four advantages.

NICK: Oh, well…

HUDSON: I get the gist of it without knowing anything about it.

NICK: [as a chuckle] Yeah.

CAMERON: You know exactly which kind of sports ball arena this is.

NICK: Yeah, so this appears to be some sort of ritualistic room, maybe a test. You recognize that the symbols are in an ancient Jedi script, but you don’t know how to read that ancient Jedi script, so you can just see that there are five individual symbols that all appear to be different. They must be different words and somehow a solution to this puzzle, I mean, and somehow lead further in.

CAMERON: [laughs]


LILIT: What about a Perception or Skulduggery check?

NICK: That could probably help you out in this situation. I would say Perception for this, because you’re still trying to figure out what to do here.

LILIT: Okay. Can I have a blue die from Tink’s? I mean, he had four advantages. I feel like I could maybe have two.

NICK: Sure. Yeah, there’s a lot of advantages.

LILIT: Would maybe this be considered disabling a security device or opening a locked door?

NICK: [reluctantly] Yes.

HUDSON: Let’s get as many blue dice as we can.

LILIT: Oh wait, that’s remove a black die. There were no black dice.


LILIT: That is two successes and four advantages.

NICK: So, you can’t read what the symbols are, but you know that in these kind of situations it doesn’t really matter. They’re just gonna try to confuse you, right? It looks like if the ball was able to be pushed with a consistent force of some kind that it would be able to swing and just barely settle into these different holes, and one of them must lead onward. You figure probably four out of five are some sort of booby-trap that would hurt you. You don’t know if they’re all functioning anymore, but you know that there is definitely one that is the correct one.

LILIT: After looking at these for a while, Xianna turns around to everyone else.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Doesn’t our ship have some sort of heat sensor?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think it does.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. What if we bypass all of these stupid tests and we use the heat sensor to figure out where the room is and we just like… shoot a tunnel down to that room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like from above?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, so that way we don’t have to do these tests, because I don’t want to have to think anymore. That is too much work.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, shooting has solved our problems this far.

LILIT (as Xianna): It got us into this room.

HUDSON (as Tink): If we’re just gonna bypass this door why don’t we bypass all of them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly ! That is what I am saying. We just skip all of these things, we go back to the ship, use the heat sensor or the scanners, whatever we have up there, find where the last room is and then just shoot our way directly into that room.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like shoot through with the ship into that room?

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess, or if we have like grenades or detonators. We just shoot a tunnel down to that room, unless you want to solve puzzle after puzzle.

CAMERON (as Karma): My main concern with just using the ship to create a tunnel is that we’re then gonna collapse that room, and we need the thing that’s in that room. The shooting doesn’t seem the safest way to get into the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you just do like a controlled demolition thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah…

NICK: HK cocks his head.

NICK (as HK): We could use the turret lasers to dig close and then be more careful at the end to prevent collateral damage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like HK’s onboard.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh yes. We dig the tunnel so it ends up at the side wall, and then we just set a small detonator for that side wall, and then it’s like a door and we just walk in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder how many more of these rooms there are.

LILIT (as Xianna): It doesn’t matter, because we can just bypass all of them.

NICK (as HK): Probably like four or five.


LILIT (as Xianna): And not have to do any of the puzzles inside of them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh. Can I keep this ball that we found, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): Sure. I don’t see why not.

NICK: It’s hanging from a cable from the ceiling, so do you try to like cut it down?

HUDSON: Yep, I try to cut it down.

NICK: Okay. You manage to, and as you cut the cable with your vibro-axe it retracts with the sound of cutting high-tension wire up into the ceiling, and you can hear stone deadbolts sliding shut somewhere deeper in and in the walls. You now have a small ceramic ball.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh. Alright, now we really can’t go further it looks like. We should forget about that plan.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yeah, we weren’t going to do that anyway so it didn’t matter.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, we’re doing the bypass plan.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is good, because I need to change out of this sundress anyways.


NICK: So you all traipse back up the stairs, HK looking around to see if there’s anything still worth shooting down here which there isn’t, and we see you all climbing back into the ship. Karma, I’m assuming you jump into the pilot seat and start firing up the sensors?


NICK: To operate the sensors I’m going to need either you to make a Perception check with two black dice to calibrate it or Tink could make a Mechanics or Investigation check and man the sensors.

HUDSON: I’ll do a Mechanics I think.

NICK: So Tink, you’re able to plug into the main sensor hub and calibrate it to try to pierce down through all this stone. It is a daunting check, that’s four purples, with two black dice because that’s not what this thing is designed to do.

CAMERON: Can he have a blue die because I know how the ship actually works?

NICK: Yeah, you can have a blue die. It can be a collaborative check.

CAMERON: [laughs] Assist.

HUDSON: I got two successes, two advantages.

[electronic music begins]

NICK: Nice. So, we get a wireframe grid that gets projected as a hologram into the ship. It’s on the various terminals around the ship, and it guides Karma very easily to the best point. You can see that this staircase leads deeper and deeper into the moon, past the center of the moon and even a little further in, but it’s small enough and the scanners also indicate what the moon is made out of is not dense enough that it would stop the blaster fire, so you could conceivably dig a tunnel with your weapons through the moon… skipping the interesting and lore-steeped puzzles within.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [pained, smiling] Which if that’s what you wanna do, I guess that would be a Gunnery check with two blue dice because of the advantages and another blue die because the ship’s positioning is perfect.

LILIT: I would have four green. I still haven’t bought a rank in Gunnery. I should though. What would be the difficulty?

NICK: At this point it’s just hard.

LILIT: And aiming.

NICK: Oh yeah, you can aim I guess.

LILIT: Ha-ha! Nothing?! There were so many blank dice!

NICK: Oh, so it’s a wash, huh?

LILIT: So it’s a wash.

NICK: So, Karma, you position the ship on repulsers and you hear the turret that Xianna’s operating spring to life. With no successes but also no failures or threats the blasters just take a while to heat up, and you can see Xianna’s having a little trouble compensating for the various stones underground and the different textures of the earth are making it harder to dig a straight tunnel. It takes a while, like 45 minutes of shooting down through here. It just doesn’t go as easily as you would want it to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Can you bring me another cup of tea?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure. What do you think this planet’s made out of, cheese? What’s taking this so long? I mean like a hard cheese.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, if it was cheese it would be so much easier. And also planets are not made out of cheese, they are made of like rocks, and lava, and dirt…

HUDSON (as Tink): Not even Cheese Planet is made of cheese?

LILIT (as Xianna): Cheese Planet is not real.

[electronic music ends]

NICK (as HK): You take that back, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): No! I will not. The Cheese Planet is not real, and it is time that Tink understood that. He is not a child!

HUDSON (as Tink): [sobbing] First Cyber Claus and now this?!


LILIT (as Xianna): Cyber Claus isn’t even a real thing! You made it up!

HUDSON (as Tink): No! It was in my family!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know what your family’s deal was, but that is not a thing anywhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): [dejected] Fine. Here’s your tea.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you.

NICK: We get a montage of Xianna just tapping the fire button on the turret. Remember that the turret on the ship is a really comfortable recliner that doesn’t move and the turret moves around you. So Xianna’s jiggling her leg impatiently as they slowly carve this tunnel down.

CAMERON: We cut to the cockpit. Karma’s got her feet up on the dash and has a plate of cucumber sandwiches and is just munching down since the ship’s not moving. [laughs] She just has it set in hover.

NICK: Yeah. So we can see through the cockpit over Karma’s newly abyss sea dragon scaled boots to this larger and larger cave that’s being dug into the ground with flashing turret fire as you eat some sandwiches and kind of basically watch the fireworks. After way, way longer than you had thought this would take, but with no personal risk to you or any need to think very hard or anything, your sensors indicate that your carved weapons tunnel has gone as low as the furthest chamber in this moon. It also has indicated that at some point this moon will now break apart, because you’ve carved a giant hole through the middle of it, but that’s not gonna happen for a while. There’s no pressing issue there.

LILIT: We’ll just fill the hole back in.

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: [laughing] If we push the rocks back into the hole before we leave it’ll be fine.

NICK: What?! [laughs]

LILIT: I don’t see why not.

NICK: [grinning, indignant] Because you dug the hole with lasers! There’s no dirt anymore!

LILIT: The dirt evaporated?!

NICK: Sublimated, yes.

LILIT: I don’t know if it works that way. We’ll fill it up with concrete.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [grinning] Okay fine.

LILIT: I don’t want us to be responsible for the destruction of an entire moon.

NICK: It’s a small moon.

CAMERON: We’ll go get all of the rubble from the door that HK blew up and we’ll carry that over and drop it in the hole.

NICK: [long exhale] If y’all want to try to figure out a way to stabilize the moon after you get the artifact you can. That’s okay.

CAMERON: Does anyone have any duct tape?

NICK: [chuckles] Oh my gosh. So, the next thing we see is the Afternoon Delight settling back down into the landing pattern prints from before and the four of you disembarking again, breath masks on, again. In the distance we can see the little bubble that you had set up with the tea party sitting forlornly over by the now abandoned stairs.

There’s smoke rising from this new crater that you have dug. It’s like a very straight tunnel at a sharp angle on the way down. You get the impression that if you had been a little bit more careful with the shooting it probably would have been an easy walk, but the gradient’s very steep so it’s gonna be a little difficult to climb down. I’m gonna need Athletics checks from everybody.

CAMERON: Okay~ What difficulty Athletics check?

NICK: Hard. Xianna’s gonna have a rough time. Someone might wanna help Xianna. [laughs]

LILIT: What if we tie ropes to each other?

NICK: yeah, that would be a good idea.

LILIT: If I did that, would I get blue die?

NICK: Yes.

LILIT: Ha-ha~ Okay, so that is a triumph without the success and a threat.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

HUDSON: Do I get blue die too?

NICK: Sure. You’re tied to it. I’m assuming Karma was lead climbing, so…

CAMERON: Probably.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Okay. So Karma, you start climbing first. I think Xianna is in the middle and Tink is last. Xianna, you’re really struggling, and you slip and fall a couple of times. The ropes catch you. You don’t really get hurt, but it definitely slows you down, and you have pretty much no style points on this thing. By the end you’re breathing hard, you’re scraped up, it’s a little embarrassing.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning and seething] Oh shit. I should not have worn the tea hat down here, but I look too cute in it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Get good!

LILIT (as Xianna): It just obscures my vision too much, and it throws off my balance because it’s so big, but I look so fucking cute in it I didn’t want to take it off yet. Like, what if there’s a good selfie spot in this room?

HUDSON (as Tink): You make a good point, but—

CAMERON (as Karma): With the lighting down here I highly doubt there’s a good selfie spot.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean the lighting down in the tunnel, yes, but like… what if there is a good spot in the room? Because sometimes those treasure rooms have very good lighting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where would you even share this photo without us getting caught?

LILIT (as Xianna): … OnlyFans.


HUDSON (as Tink): Only Chadra-Fans only has Chadra-Fans.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because then it’s not really public. They have to pay me to get it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You have a point.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the cops can’t pay me for photos.

HUDSON (as Tink): They have to say if they’re a cop.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I have it right in my bio that you have to say if you’re a cop, and if you’re a cop you can’t buy my photos.

CAMERON: [exasperated exhale]

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): So like… they can’t get them.

LILIT: [giggles]

NICK: Lilit, would you like your triumph to be that the lighting in the treasure room is like really, really good?

LILIT: [smiling] Yes.


NICK: Okay. So, you get to the bottom of this dug tunnel. There’s a lot of melted glassy rock that is just cracking as it cools down at the base, you know, like when you dig with war weapons. It’s not particularly good on the environment or comfortable to use, but you did make it down. You can tell from the scans that the far wall is right on the other side of this final room of this facility that you have bypassed. You’re gonna need to do something to get through.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we have any detonators left?

CAMERON (as Karma): That seems like a very bad plan with us trapped in the tunnel that it’s all gonna come boom out of.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’re right, we would have to go up and then set them off. We could get like a half size, a tiny little one, and so it just goes through the wall.

HUDSON (as Tink): Just cut it with a vibro-knife.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, wait! I think I have a grenade left. So we could go halfway up, or like, we walk up the tunnel a little bit and then we just throw the grenade down at the wall, and then it should just blow up just the wall. That makes sense, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Foolproof!

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, can you try hitting it with your axe first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hiyah!

HUDSON: I try to hit it with my axe.

NICK: Roll me an attack. You can have a blue die, because it’s a wall. Pretty easy to hit.

HUDSON: Four successes, five advantages.

NICK: Wow. Yeah. So you’re able to carve through this wall like a hot sword through paper. Describe how you open a doorway into this treasure room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey guys! I got to slice through this door like a hot sword through paper. You know, that thing everyone says?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that very popular saying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Some people think it is like a hot knife through butter, but it’s not.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s really not. That’s not the origin at least.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, because the hot knife would just melt the butter and then you would just have melted butter.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but through paper… yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): But through paper nothing is getting melted, so it works perfectly.

HUDSON: [laughs]

[smooth and slinky music begins]

HUDSON: As sweat glistens down my dirty body I walk toward the wall, both hands gripping the axe, twisting against the handle, and I slice across my chest with full force and let out a grunt as the axe glistens against the wall.

NICK: So you’re able to sensuously cut your way through this doorway.

[smooth and slinky music ends]

We see a quiet camera shot of this square kind of Spartan room, and then one of the side walls blows out and Tink comes stomping in caressing his axe. You all are standing at a new entrance to a simple room.

The walls that you just came through have threadbare tapestries that look to have been cheap to start with and not treated well by time. Scattered around the room are what look like to be handmade clay pots and platters, some of them broken from the flying rocks. There are hanging circular lights in each corner of the room that have the perfect white balance so everything is clearly illuminated and very flattering in angle. You can see in the corner there is a pottery wheel covered in dust, and seated opposite of the wall that you just cut through, on an aged and dusty cushion, you can see a desiccated body.

The corpse looks like it’s been there for years and years, the skin stretched tight under clothes that look very similar to what Sentinel wears. Normally seeing a corpse like this would be creepy, but even in this dark pit in a terrifying nebula after a running dogfight the room feels peaceful. The mummy looks content, sitting in a meditative pose on its old cushion. Nestled in its hands you can see a sphere about the size of a softball. It looks to be glowing from within and looks to be the only thing in this room without a trace of dust on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, ooh, I know this one. We have to find the correct little cup for the water, because if we don’t find the correct one we’ll become all old like that dude.

LILIT: Xianna’s in a corner taking selfies.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you go touch the dead body.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’d actually like to pick up that orb, and luckily…

HUDSON: I pull out the ceramic ball from earlier.

HUDSON (as Tink): …I can replace it with this just in case it’s some kind of weird thing where it needs to be holding a ball.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, in case… Yeah, in case the ghost gets sad that they don’t have a ball anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a dead body not a ghost.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I’m sure the ghost is still inside the dead body or this room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK: [makes whooshing noises]

LILIT (as Xianna): Because sometimes the ghosts are still attached to the dead body.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, as I get closer, this uh… this doesn’t feel right. It feels like emptiness with indigestion with a little bit of shakiness.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh Tink, did you eat the smoked fish and cream cheese tea sandwich?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, I think HK had that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK cannot eat.

HUDSON (as Tink): What did he do with it then?

NICK (as HK): I cannot eat.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what did you do with it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa HK, when did you come down this tunnel?


LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes he just picks them up and then throws them away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… No, I didn’t eat it though.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I don’t think you are supposed to have the fish anymore either.

HUDSON (as Tink): That would have made sense, but o, it just feels weird. Never mind.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Let me come over and see.

LILIT: Xianna walks over, holds their arms out, and she just kinda walks around and spins a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think there is a draft in this area.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, okay, that must be it.

HUDSON: So I pick up the orb and I replace it with the ceramic orb that I cut from the wire earlier.

NICK: Make me a Coordination check.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: This one’s going to be average.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Nice. So you’re able to crouch down low in front of these hands that are holding this orb and very quickly swap the glowing orb for the ceramic ball you took from the earlier room, and nothing happens. The meditating mummy just continues to hold the ball. It’s fine, probably. You do feel more energetic holding the glowing orb. You feel just… better. You’re not sure what exactly it is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know exactly what this is, but… Oh! When you look at this dead guy do you think, like, do you get a craving for banana taffy? Am I the only one?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): I did want a banana pudding.

HUDSON (as Tink): But like, you see the skin, you know how it’s like stretched?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. That is not… not at all. No.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I just wanted banana pudding because I like banana pudding.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know, something about this body just… man, I just want some taffy.

CAMERON (as Karma): That… That’s disturbing, Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not like I want to eat the body, it just reminded me. It just… something about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is weird, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whatever.

LILIT (as Xianna): Even for you. That one is weird. I don’t… Maybe you should just think about why you made that association.

CAMERON: Karma’s just walking around the room picking up pieces of pottery that weren’t smashed by the rocks flying in and examining them and setting them back down, just looking for the perfect piece to take back to the Afternoon Delight.

NICK: Some of them got smashed as you blew through this wall, some of them it looks like fell off of shelves and broke as the entire moon was shaken by your bombardment, but there are quite a few still together. What is the perfect piece that Karma finds? This piece of presumably Jedi pottery.

CAMERON: I want just like a really big turkey serving plate.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just like a massive oval plate.

NICK: Big honkin’ platter.


NICK: What color is it?

CAMERON: Um… it’s like a nice sky blue.

NICK: Okay, so it’s got a good glaze on it.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Which is interesting because there’s no kiln in here ,but—

CAMERON: Shh! It’s fine.

LILIT: You know pottery can be made and then brought into another room~

NICK: What? Nuh-uh.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: The kiln room was one of the ones that was in between the second room and this room.

NICK: It was actually. You have the orb and you have this large serving platter. So, you begin your climb back up the tunnel. Xianna, you struggle again, but you got some really good selfies out of it, a triumphantly well-lit selfie even. So as you climb out of the tunnel you can feel the moon’s orbit having shifted a little bit like a strange momentum in your ears, and you know from the scanners that eventually this moon’s gonna rattle itself apart because of the hole that you dug through the core.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh wait, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you know anyone who works in like construction or… could like go fill that hole up with some cement so there is not just a giant hole on this little moon?

CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably find a service in the space yellow pages.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or just like fill it up with the similar dirt. It doesn’t have to be concrete.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: As we reach the lip of the tunnel and are now back on strong land Karma kicks a few rocks down into the tunnel that were thrown off by the initial laser blasts, filling in with what’s there, but there’s not enough material here anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because apparently the ship lasers do not just blow up the dirt and throw it around, it “sublimates” the dirt or something, so there’s no excess dirt to fill back into the hole, so we have to get dirt from somewhere else to do it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, do you need something to fill this hole?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s what we’re talking about.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, but also not in that way, but also yes.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t wink, you winked.

LILIT (as Xianna): I winked when you said it, yes.


HUDSON (as Tink): So, luckily, I have a friend, Donny Donaldson, who could absolutely fill this hole. They’re a contractor and they have a lot of space dirt.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! I don’t know if there are any living things on this tiny moon but like theoretically we do want a similar type of dirt.

HUDSON (as Tink): Similar type of dirt…

LILIT (as Xianna): So as to not throw off the whole ecosystem or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): If you want to stabilize it, it needs to be similar to the rock so that it actually stabilizes it and it serves the purpose of filling it back in to equalize the mass again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, a similar mass, what Karma said.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you want me to just give Donny a call?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

HUDSON: I just call Donny, like on the spot.

[quirky music begins]

LILIT (as Donny): Uh, ‘ello, this is Donny Donaldson.

HUDSON (as Tink): Donny, ‘ey! This is Tink. How’s it going?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh hey Tink. How’s it goin’?

HUDSON (as Tink): [chuckling] That’s what I asked you.

LILIT (as Donny): Well, you know, you just say it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, psh, you know I was never good with small talk. Anyways. So uh, I got this hole that needs to be filled, you know what I mean?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, I know what you mean, but also just to clarify, you do mean a construction hole that I would then fill with dirt and/or concrete?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that. Exactly.

LILIT (as Donny): Okay. I can do.


LILIT (as Donny): I mean, I could help you with the other problem, but you know, that one would just have to be off the books if you catch my drift.

HUDSON (as Tink): I love how little information that you need from me before you agree to a job, Donny. This is why we’re friends.


LILIT (as Donny): I mean Tink, I’ve known you for so many years.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. We go way back.

LILIT (as Donny): We go way back. So far back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, what I’ll do is I’ll just ship you the…

LILIT (as Donny): You know what, all you gotta do is just give me a pin of your location and then I’ll come over there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well we’re not gonna stick around that much longer, but I can send you some pics.

LILIT (as Donny): You can just, you know, wire me the money, and you know, drop a pin for the location, and I’ll just head on over there, fill up this there hole, and you know… we don’t even need to meet in person. If it’s just filling a hole I can do that in my sleep.

HUDSON (as Tink): I believe it. I believe it. Just real quick, don’t mention to anyone that I called you, you know? Just put something else down on the books, not my name.

LILIT (as Donny): Well you know, doctor-patient confidentiality.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Yeah!

LILIT (as Donny): Seeing as how you are my doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, that’s right!

LILIT (as Donny): It works both ways. It works both ways.


HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. How could I forget?

LILIT (as Donny): So uh… did you want dirt or concrete for this there hole?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, do we want dirt or concrete for this there hole?

CAMERON (as Karma): Probably concrete.

HUDSON (as Tink): Probably concrete, Donny.

LILIT (as Donny): Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay, uh, well do you mind if I do partial dirt and then concrete on the top?

HUDSON (as Tink): That sounds fine.

LILIT (as Donny): Or do you want concrete all the way up there?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, I think I’m gonna go with, uh, do the combo mix.

LILIT (as Donny): Okay-okay. You know, just checking, that combo mix will save you a few bucks, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well Donny, this has been great interaction, but I think I gotta go. I’ll send you that ping with my coordinates and a couple pictures so you can be ready and know where to put the dirt.

LILIT (as Donny): Thanks. Thanks, and once I get those I’ll get you an estimate and then I’ll head on over there, fill that hole up for ya real nice.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you always do a nice job, Donny. Thank you so much.

LILIT (as Donny): Well, you know my company motto…

[quirky music ends]

…Donny Donaldson, I’ll fill your hole.

[extended laughter]

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Shit!


## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 15 Do A Barrel Roll

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 15:
Do A Barrel Roll

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

This week we have a new podcast review! Dixie L. Ross, thank you for your kind words and we’re happy you’re enjoying the show.

Also, this week we have some new patrons to thank. Starting off, Dexter! Thank you so much for your support of the show. It means the world to us. Sentinel has everyone out combing the galaxy for clues right now. I’ve got index cards and red string. Do you think you can try and make some sense of this for us? I’m stumped.

Dominic, thank you for your support as well. This isn’t the most glamorous assignment, but I need you to go with HK on a solo mission. Your job is to be his conscience. I think I can get you secondary user privileges, so hopefully he’ll listen, but if you could keep him aimed in the right direction and not captured by the Empire that would be awesome.

Thank you both for your support.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 15! It’s a lovely day, and I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce themselves and say who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, the one and only.

NICK: Until that arc where your clone shows up, you’re absolutely right.

HUDSON: Oh, you’re right.

NICK: [chuckles] Ooh, eh, it’s too late to edit it now. I guess people will just have to wonder about that. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I’m Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: And last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Fantastic. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson~

NICK: Alright, two and two. So, when we last left off, you all were able to escape from prison, you left your friends that you had made in prison on a space station with some very crinkly and latexy disguises so that they wouldn’t look like prisoners anymore, and you collected your gear from where it had been stashed. Tink accidentally ended up with a Space BestBuy gift card, Karma showed off her fancy new armor, and Xianna had a lovely and heartwarming conversation with both Creamsicle and Nolaa.

CAMERON: Oh, and we learned what we’re gonna be doing for the rest of this season.

NICK: Oh yeah, and you learned—


LILIT: Oh. I thought we were gonna keep getting arrested and breaking out of increasingly more and more elaborate prisons.

NICK: No, that’s been done.

LILIT: Are we not doing a prison break season?

NICK: No. [laughs]

LILIT: I thought we were doing a prison break season.

HUDSON: I think we’re gonna do that until we find out that the real prison was our lives all along.

NICK: Oh… I was hoping you were gonna say “were the friends we made along the way.” [laughs]

HUDSON: No. [laughs]

LILIT: The real prison was capitalism.


NICK: So, we open on the Afternoon Delight popping out of hyperspace on the edges of a green and massive nebula. This is the Typhonic Nebula. The ship is covered in little statically electric remnants as it slowly enters into this area of space. You are here to attempt to recover the first of the Shattered Force items, the one that Sentinel had a lead on, and you know that it’s nestled at a specific coordinate on a distant moon deep within this nebula which doesn’t allow hyperspace travel.

You fly further and further into this space cloud, and we see that the gas of the nebula is a sickly green. A band of light pierces the entire region from a far distance, but otherwise the cloud is nearly featureless. There are sporadic floating asteroids that loom out of the mist as you inch your way through, but otherwise all you can see is green, green and green all the way through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, how did your conversation with Nolaa go?

LILIT (as Xianna): It went very well.

LILIT: Xianna walks up further into the cockpit and looks out the front windshield.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a lot of green. It looks like the time I accidentally passed out in a big container of jello.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): When did that happen?

LILIT (as Xianna): That was many years ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Was it a party?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess I must have passed out into it because I woke up into it. That’s what I remember.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I was about to ask how it looked like passing out in jello, but the waking up, okay, yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well so I woke up and there was just green everywhere, and I had no idea what was happening, and I was like maybe I am still too high or something. Then I realized that the party had a large container of jello and I was using it as a pillow, so I was really just looking into the green jello. You would have thought that it was lime flavored, but it wasn’t, it was jogan fruit which is not green, so I have no idea who made jogan fruit jello and made it green, but… it might have been some sort of themed party, like for an event. Everything was green. I don’t know, I crashed it.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, are you referring to Saint Padawan’s Day?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. That is a made-up holiday.

NICK (as HK): Are you sure? That’s when they died the river around the imperial palace green.

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds fake! Who would actually do that? You put dye into an entire river? Is that not really bad for like the ecosystem?

NICK (as HK): No, it’s made with natural flavors or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you flavoring the river?

LILIT (as Xianna): It still feels like it would be throwing off a lot of the important ecological balance.

NICK (as HK): Oh no, it’s fine, there hasn’t been any ecological living in that river in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess in that case it is okay, but the water has to go somewhere unless it is just a big donut and it just circles forever.

CAMERON (as Karma): So is it a lazy river around the imperial palace?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we take a vacation and go to a lazy river? And we can float around and have the cooler in between our tubes, and we just float forever.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, is that the kind of rivers you can just pee in and no one knows you’re peeing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Nooo.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that’s any river.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fish already pee into it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Why can’t we?

CAMERON (as Karma): I… I mean, so if you’re in an actual river, sure, go for it—I’m from Glee Anselm, I can’t comment—but not in a pool setting.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I don’t want to go to a pool one, I want to go to one of those actual rivers, because that way you can drink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): The park ones never let you drink. Well I mean, you can, but they get really mad at you and they are like “ma’am, you can’t have alcohol in here, this is for children,” and then you yell at them that yes you can, and then they kick you out.

NICK (as HK): Observation: Most local ordinances now make you pour your alcoholic beverages into water bottles to prevent littering. It’s a lot more work than it used to be.

LILIT (as Xianna): It also makes no sense, because wouldn’t you then have the extra bottle?

NICK (as HK): Well you put the water bottles into a cooler but you use, like, bike water bottles, and then you can squeeze a lime in there or whatever, but you use reusable containers. They don’t allow glass or cans anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): How does that help with littering?

NICK (as HK): Because people don’t throw away their reusable containers as much.

LILIT (as Xianna): But then they throw away the cans at the beginning.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, but you have to transfer everything over prior to getting in the river.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): So they’re assuming that, if you’re littering, you’re at least littering on land and not in the water.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it both sounds bad, so…

NICK: So, as you are having this conversation, anyone who is looking out the front view screen of the ship make me a Perception check.


LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: What difficulty of perceptioning?

NICK: Hard.

CAMERON: Okay. One success, two advantages for Karma.

LILIT: Two successes.

HUDSON: One success for Tink.

NICK: As you are talking about various local alcohol ordinances you all see a Z-95 Headhunter stuck to the underside of an asteroid that’s rotating past the front of the ship, and you can see that there is a pilot inside of it watching your ship go by, so you immediately know that you’re not alone in this nebula. There is at least one other ship in here that’s geared up for combat actually. It has laser cannons on the wings.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s call them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why? [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): See if they’re friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t need to call them. Just look.

LILIT: Xianna does a big wave at them.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know, that was a little… That was aggressive. That was an aggressive wave.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): It was not aggressive!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it was aggressive.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, there is no reason to call and talk to them unless we have to.

NICK: The pilot in the Headhunter, they’re wearing a full helmet with a visor and a flight suit, but you see them hesitantly raise their hand and then wave back a little bit… and then you see them hit some buttons on their console and the ship starts up and starts to fly away. It quickly flies back the way that you all came.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. Let’s just ignore that.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Weird.

NICK: And you get a ping on your com system. You are getting a message from an outside source.

CAMERON: Karma hits the button.

NICK: A little hologram of someone that you recognize to be Endo shows up on the screen. He appears to be sitting in a captain’s chair.

NICK (as Endo): Wow. Fancy meeting you all here out in this nebula. What are you looking for, friends?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Who are you?

NICK (as Endo): I’m… Endo. You tried to kill me like three days ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. You got out as well?

NICK (as Endo): Yes. Thank you for your little distraction. It helped me and some of my favorite compatriots find a couple of exits.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that is why we threw the riot, so you’re welcome. Not for you specifically, for us, but I felt like it was an added bonus if other people could escape.

NICK (as Endo): Several people did, yes, and now we run into each other out here in the middle of nowhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have a question, Endo. Are you still salty from that accidental… when I tripped and the knife ended up hitting you?

NICK: His face is very still, it’s made out of chitin and mechanics, but he leans into the camera a little bit so that his image gets bigger.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, that’s all water under the bridge, Tink. Why don’t we meet up and we can talk about it. What brings you out here?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. We—

CAMERON (as Karma): Sightseeing.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] There’s a concert that we’re going to in a system far, far away. It’s actually a really good, uh, it’s a concert series of, um, trip hop and Dantooinese speed gospel.

NICK (as Endo): Really? And it doesn’t have anything to do with the Imperial patrols headed this way or the valuable artifact located somewhere in this nebula?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. We are going to the music festival. We are making flower crowns and everything. Do you want a flower crown as well?

NICK (as Endo): I don’t know. Boys? Do we want flower crowns?

NICK: Flip me a dark side point as a series of proton missiles come curling around from the edge of one of these asteroids and headed straight towards the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Is that a no on the flower crowns then?

NICK: You’re gonna have to make a Piloting check to dodge these.

CAMERON: [sighs] Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, save us!

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty of my Piloting check?

NICK: This one is average.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I know you were lying about the music festival, but that is a thing we should do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh really? You like those genres?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, just in general, we should go to one, because you would look very cute in a flower crown.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we can get like matching short-shorts.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if it’s like a metal festival where flower crowns are not permitted?

CAMERON (as Karma): Flower crowns are always permitted.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. We can go to a metal music festival. We will just get black and red flower crowns and they will have spikes and horns on them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

LILIT (as Xianna): And then we can get matching short-shorts that are like pleather.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or like that shiny vinyl stuff. It is so uncomfortable and it does not breathe, but it looks so cool. And we can have like fringe jackets or cute little bralette tops. It would be very fun. You just would not be allowed to drink or eat anything there, okay? Because you are trying to keep your straightedge, so you would have to bring your own water.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. What about straightedge where you can’t eat?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well because… it’s a music festival.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh, they’re gonna spike-

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t just take water other people give you.

HUDSON (as Tink): It could have, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless it is the medic tent, then you can take that water, but any other water, no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it. That is definitely a missile coming this way.

NICK: Yup.


LILIT (as Xianna): It is, but for some reason it is taking a very long time to get here.



LILIT (as Xianna): It is almost like it is being shot through jello. Very weird how that works.

CAMERON: It’s a really slow-moving missile. Three successes on my Piloting check.

NICK: Three successes. So describe how you maneuver the ship to dodge these missiles as they crash into an asteroid next to you instead of hitting you.

[action techno begins]

CAMERON: We see the missile coming. Karma just turns the ship, and it should not be able to do a barrel roll, it was not built for this, but it does one anyway… it’s just a very slow, lumbering barrel roll. [laughs]

NICK: So we see the Afternoon Delight, which is kind of shaped like a space shuttle with two shipping containers welded to either side, just slowly loop its way around the trail of these missiles as they crash into the rock behind you, and the ship starts to emit alarms as flecks of asteroid pepper the hull. You can see on your radar that there are multiple contacts coming your direction from different ways through the nebula, and you hear Endo say:

NICK (as Endo): Well, if you’re not gonna give us the directions we’ll just have to pull it from your ship’s computer after we destroy it.

LILIT (as Xianna): To the music festival? We can give you directions. Like, it is available on the holonet.

NICK (as Endo): We know that you’re here for a Force artifact, and we’re gonna get it.

NICK: And, initiative.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

LILIT: One advantage. Love some blank dice.

HUDSON: Three successes.

NICK: Roll me two greens and a yellow, please.

CAMERON: [laughs] Fuck. Four successes and a triumph.

NICK: Oh wow! Roll that for me again?

CAMERON: No, I don’t think I will. [chuckles] Ha-ha, I didn’t. It’s only three successes and two advantages that time. HK got a success, two advantages and a triumph.

NICK: Okay. Y’all have a couple of advantages and a triumph to spend. Is there anything about this setting that you would like to use to your advantage or add to the scene to make it more advantageous for you?

[action techno ends]

HUDSON: Is he still on the holo projector?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright Endo, this is the begin-do of your end-o.


NICK: [struggles to find words]

NICK (as Endo): What?! … Cut the connection!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He gestures to the hologram and it cuts off. He will have some black dice for emotional concerns.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, should Tink and I go to the guns, start doing the pew-pews?

NICK (as HK): Maybe it would be better if I was the second gunner and Tink can try to repair the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, was about to suggest that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that works too.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll repair the ship. I seem to have developed a little bit of a knack for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well yeah, you’re the mechanic.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You have like a degree in computers.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a very broad spectrum of things you learn when you’re learning “computers” in general. It’s just like saying oh, you’re good at life, like there’s just so many things encompassing life.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I know lots of people who are good at, like, life. It’s mostly knowing how to do your taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

NICK (as HK): And you should know that my life is essentially computers.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is why I’m not good at life, because I have never filed my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, that’s more dangerous than anything we’re doing this entire time. You might get on that. That’s—

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. No, I am legally dead, so I can’t file my taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. They’ve gone after people after the grave, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): I also burned up my Social Security card.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now you got ‘em. Checkmate, government.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. What are they going to do about that?


NICK: And the ship begins to be rattled by laser fire.

CAMERON: Paying attention.

LILIT: We’re having this conversation on the way out of the cockpit!

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And we have coms!

CAMERON: I flipped on the ship-wide coms. We can now just yell at each other and we’re all basically in the same room.

NICK: Yeah. So first up is an NPC, and if you could roll me two greens and a yellow, please, Cameron, against a hard difficulty.

CAMERON: Okay. One failure, one advantage, and a triumph.

NICK: Interesting. Okay.


NICK: So coming from behind an asteroid you see a YT-2400. It’s like a sleek, fast space freighter, but where it normally has a rotating cannon it has one single larger laser attached. It fires a green bolt at you and it just misses, but because it’s coming from a fairly far distance as this freighter starts to accelerate towards you it does strike an asteroid in the cloud which explodes outward in a shower of debris that makes it harder to pilot, so your next Piloting check will have a black die on it.


NICK: Up next we have a PC slot. As you scan around you can see that there’s two Z-95 Headhunters that are approaching from behind and this YT-2400 freighter as well is on its way. Who wants to go first?

LILIT: I mean, I guess I can shoot.

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: I’m assuming that is a Gunnery check.

NICK: Yup.

LILIT: I don’t actually have… And what would the difficulty be?

NICK: Right now they’re at long range, so it would be hard.

LILIT: One failure, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. So, you swing your seat around. I don’t know if you remember, but the gunnery turrets are stationary plush recliners and then you have a little track ball that moves the turret around independently of where you’re sitting, and you spin it around and fire quickly but it strikes more of the rocks which are seeming to increase in frequency and explodes some stone, peppering through their shields and weakening the shields of the opposing ships.

We are up to another PC slot. Do we wanna have HK try and shoot?


NICK: Okay. So HK, from the other gun on the Afternoon Delight, says:

NICK (as HK): Acquiring targets. Firing.

CAMERON: Is he gonna be four greens or does he have any Gunnery?

NICK: Three greens and a yellow actually. He has a point in Gunnery.

CAMERON: Oh, wow~

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Still at long range?

NICK: Yep, still long range. Nobody’s moved yet.

CAMERON: Cool. Two advantages.

NICK: HK fires and the Headhunter he was targeting pirouettes out of the way gracefully and the blast disappears into the nebula cloud.

NICK (as HK): Oh, that’s weird. I really expected to hit somebody with that. Xianna, I take back all the mean things I was thinking about how you missed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Aw, thank you.

NICK (as HK): Maybe don’t miss next time though.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will try, but I am also not trained at this, but I think you are.

NICK (as HK): Disapproving grumble.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s okay, Hank. I will make you a very cute flower crown that will match with your, like, metal.

NICK: Up next is an NPC slot. One of the Headhunters accelerates to close the range and fires another brace of proton missiles at you all. I need you to roll two greens and a yellow. Medium range, average difficulty.

CAMERON: So the Afternoon Delight does have defense.

NICK: Okay, yeah, add the black die for the defense now that we’re in combat.

CAMERON: Cool, and are they shooting us from behind?

NICK: Yes.

CAMERON: Okay. I’m gonna need to know which direction they’re shooting from, because it changes depending on which direction.

NICK: Right. Yeah. They’re still behind.

CAMERON: Alright. So two greens, a yellow, a black, and then the two purple?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: So these are modified and they seem bigger than what you’re used to seeing, and you are struck with several of these proton missiles for 8 damage.

CAMERON: We’ve got 3 Armor.

NICK: That was a pretty big hit.

CAMERON (as Karma): Guys, their guns are bigger than our guns, just FYI.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay, I have an idea.

NICK: Cool, it’s a PC slot, go ahead.

HUDSON: Alright. So, I want to be able to spoof one of the largest Empire ships ever coming over radar toward our ship so it scares everybody off.

NICK: Okay. Are you gonna make a death star or like a super star destroyer?

HUDSON: Super star destroyer coming towards us that will show up on everyone’s radar.

NICK: Okay. That would be a Computers check. It will be hard, because you’re spoofing a radar signal and trying to make them not realize it’s coming from you all, and it will have two black die because you’re in a nebula.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So would this be Code Breaker because I am breaking code or decrypting communications?

NICK: Yeah, I would say that since you’re trying to spoof into their stuff you could use that.

HUDSON: Okay, then I only have one black die, so I have four yellows, a green, three purples, two blue, and one black.


NICK: Nice.

HUDSON: I have four successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright! Talk me through what you’re doing.

HUDSON: So, I think to myself how can I help the situation? So I put on a camouflage bandana and I get my headphones, that are still wired because I’m old school, I don’t have wireless headphones like all the other cool kids, and I put them in my ears and I start playing Fortunate Sun by Creedence Clearwater Revival…


HUDSON: …and just like getting in the zone and focusing. We don’t have rights to that song, do we?



LILIT: Absolutely not.


HUDSON: Okay. So, I decide to break into the alert systems of all the ships surrounding us and make it so that it looks like a star destroyer is coming toward our ship and inadvertently all the other ships so it’ll scare them away.

NICK: Okay. Cameron, make me a hard Willpower check with two greens please.

CAMERON: Two successes, but three threats.

NICK: Heheh.

CAMERON: The ship falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise plays quietly in the background]

NICK: The ship falls prone. Yeah, so… do it for me one more time?

CAMERON: A success, two threats.

NICK: Oh, interesting. So the Z-95 Headhunters, Tink, you get into their systems first and you broadcast this, and one of the ships starts to wobble like it’s looking like it’s going to turn around, and it bounces off of an asteroid taking some damage but it does not actually get destroyed, and the other one continues onward. So, you can tell you’ve made the pilots very nervous but they’re more scared of Endo than they are of the Empire and they’re continuing on.


LILIT: Neat.

HUDSON: “It ain’t me. It ain’t me!”


LILIT: We can’t use any of that.

HUDSON: I know.

NICK: We’re to our last PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright. I’mma fly?

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Away? [laughs]

NICK: Away? Okay.

CAMERON: [exasperated exhale]

NICK: Are you doing any specific maneuvers or anything, or are you…?


HUDSON: “Do a barrel roll!”

NICK: That’s an actual thing.

LILIT: I don’t—Can we do a barrel roll? I don’t know.

HUDSON: The GM just said it’s an actual thing we could do.

CAMERON: I managed one earlier, but…

NICK: It wasn’t pretty.

CAMERON: I am going to do Evasive maneuvers as my maneuver.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So what this will do is, I’m just making it harder for everyone basically. It makes ships shooting at us upgrade the difficulty by one but then it also, I think, does the same thing to us.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just because I’m no longer moving in a predictable way. That’s my maneuver. My action, I’m gonna do Gain the Advantage, so we’re basically setting us up to be able to shoot one of the ships really good, and then there’s a lot of other words for how the difficulty of this is determined.

NICK: What if we just set it to hard and keep going?

CAMERON: Okay. Because it’s the relative speeds of the ships or vehicles involved in the attack—

NICK: No, we’re not doing ship speed and all that shit. No.

CAMERON: [laughs] Thank you.

HUDSON: They’re moving at 60 corks per second.

NICK: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: Are y’all good if I use a light side point to upgrade this?


LILIT: Sure.

CAMERON: Because I have a lot of purples and blacks in this. Okay, one success, two threats.

NICK: Nice. So what does successfully gaining the advantage do?

CAMERON: Well, since you asked, if the check succeeds the pilot ignores all penalties imposed by his own or his opponent’s use—excuse me, use better pronouns—of the Evasive Maneuver starship. Cool, so we now don’t get bothered by my Evasive Maneuvers.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: So everybody upgrades to hit us.

NICK: Very good. Are you trying to maintain distance or let them get closer? That’s the last thing I need to know.

CAMERON: They can get slightly closer.

NICK: Like to medium range?


NICK: Okay. Describe how you evasively maneuver but keep the shots lined up for HK and Xianna.

CAMERON: Karma is flying the Afternoon Delight as she would a much smaller, more manageable ship that just flies better in general, but somehow it’s working. Part of the reason that it is working is that she’s not particularly doing evasive maneuvers like doing zigzags or anything but she’s managing to do things that no one would expect a ship of this size to be doing, like the barrel roll mentioned earlier.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: And is cutting it really close on some asteroids to turn and stuff, and the Afternoon Delight is flying more as if it is in a dogfight and is an active participant in said dogfight where it really shouldn’t be.

NICK: [laughs] Cool. All of these maneuvers allow the other three ships to get closer, but they are really having trouble zeroing in because of how erratic the ship is moving. We are to the last Headhunter’s spot. If you could roll me two greens and a yellow versus hard difficulty still. They’re closer but they’re having trouble lining up with you, trying to hit you with laser cannons.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: Oh, they totally miss, and they actually impose issues upon their other ships as they try to maneuver into a good shot, and their shields kind of overlap and it bounces the other Headhunter out of the way. Ah, that’s a bummer. We’re back to the top where the YT-2400 loops around, disappears into the clouds as you all are dashing through this nebula, and a little while later they come straight at you, head-on, firing their large laser again.


NICK: It’s going to be hard difficulty because they’ll get to medium range before they fire but your evasive maneuvers are making that much more difficult, and they’re shooting with two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: Alright, and they have two black dice because we have 2 Forward Defense.

NICK: Oh okay, cool.

CAMERON: Three failures and one threat.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: They explode!

CAMERON: They got a lot of double failures. [laughs]

NICK: They’re really struggling, Karma’s just out-piloting them, and HK and Xianna’s shooting is also making them have to dodge out of the way, and they blow past, and you can just see into the cockpit of this YT-2400 as they fly over you, inverted, and you can see Endo sitting at a command chair and pointing to his pilot to do something, and they whiz by. We’re to a PC slot.

LILIT: I will shoot somebody. What range are we now at?

NICK: You’re at medium range.

LILIT: Do we have blue dice at the moment?

NICK: Yes, you have a blue die from the various shenanigans going on.

LILIT: Okay. That is two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Cool. How much damage does your laser turret do?


NICK: So that’s 8 damage total. Were you shooting at one of the Headhunters—the knock-off X-Wings—or the freighter?

LILIT: I was shooting at the Headhunter.

NICK: Okay, so Xianna, you manage to hit one of these light fighters, and you are able to disable its shields and destroy it.

LILIT: Well, Xianna pulls the trigger and it shoots a laser, and then the laser hits the ship, and it makes a fun little explosion we can hear even though that’s not how it works.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: It’s very nice. There’s fire involved as well. You know, very scientifically grounded fire explosion that we can hear.

NICK: [laughs] The engines tear themselves apart in a blossom of explosion, and that ship is gone.

LILIT: It also somehow looks like the explosion is superimposed over the backdrop of space.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Xianna, that was a very good shot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Hank.

NICK: And we move on to another PC slot. Should we have HK go or Tink?

CAMERON: I say have HK shoot.


NICK: Okay. HK says…

NICK (as HK): Alright, let’s see if I can do the same thing.

NICK: …and he shoots at the other Headhunter. He is going to take a maneuver to aim, so give him an extra blue die. He’s three greens and a yellow, this is average difficulty, and he has an additional blue die because of all the shrapnel that these Headhunters have caused for themselves.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. [snickers] Well, that ain’t great, Hank. Two advantages.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: I didn’t roll any successes or any failures. It’s just threats and advantages, and blank dice.

NICK: Wow~ Okay. HK fires rapidly and manages to hem the other two ships close together so they’re not able to maneuver as well, so they’ll have black dice on their actions, but he is not able to hit them as they are too maneuverable and HK is having a little bit too much fun pressing the trigger button more than actually hitting anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hank, why are you so shitty at this today?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Maybe I won’t make you a flower crown. I’ll just make you like a silly headband. It won’t be as cool as us.

NICK (as HK): Irritated groaning noise. Look, I’m trying the best I can, but I do not need a flower crown.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can still wear the matching short-shorts.

NICK (as HK): Good, that was the part I was concerned about.

NICK: The last Headhunter is going to go, firing another missile at you all. It’s going to be hard difficulty. They have two black dice, but they are rolling two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: One threat!

NICK: [sighs] They’re really just struggling.

[groovy rock music begins]

So we zoom out and we see, through this green cloud, the Afternoon Delight spiraling and juttering in between obstacles and the mist, and this YT-2400 and this little knock-off X-Wing both flying after it, and there’s lasers and missiles flying in both directions, it’s lit up, it’s very exciting, and no one’s hitting anything. Up next we have a PC slot. We could either do Piloting or Tink could try to repair the ship a little bit.

HUDSON: How damaged are we?

CAMERON: Five out of 25.

HUDSON: Yeah, I can repair the ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, the ship’s butt is hurt.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, not the butt!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it has a… has a few scratches. It has some booboos, some ouchies. You know what, I’ll take care of it.

HUDSON: So I walk to the butt of the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it is technically called the butt. I think it is called the ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, I think it’s aft.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is ass.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s ass. I think… I think Xianna’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you call it aft? That makes no sense. That is like made-up. The ass is a real word.

HUDSON: So, I see that the ship has been hit really hard in the butt, so the wall is kinda shaking like it’s about to fly off, so what I do is I find a mixture of metal and cardboard and I just tape up a wall in front of the wall so if it falls off we have secondary wall.

NICK: Wow, okay. Roll me a Mechanics check at average difficulty to repair this missile impact site.

[groovy rock music ends]

HUDSON: Two triumphs with their successes, four additional successes, and three threats.

NICK: Okay, so you completely repair the damage. What do you spend two triumphs on? You don’t even need the triumphs to repair the damage, so… Do you find something cool? Do you somehow manage to damage one of the other ships? What happens?

HUDSON: I just got this inspiration to start painting a mural with spray paint cans, but it’s like really crappy and we’re in the middle of a battle so I’m not gonna spend a ton of time on it, but I start spray painting it and I trip and a spray paint can kind of breaks through one of the exhaust and floats out through space. You can see the can flipping and flipping and flipping and then it hits the window of one of the Headhunter ships and just explodes. They can’t see anything anymore.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh my gosh. Let’s say it fell into one of the trash chutes and got jettisoned.


NICK: And you fall prone.

[dramatic bass noise]


NICK: But we see a droid flying a Headhunter spinning in towards you, and then there’s the slow tumble of this can of spray paint, and then it hits on the front of their ship, explodes in a red cloud and they can’t see anything, and then a couple of seconds later they smash into an asteroid because they’re flying really fast through an asteroid field. You’re down to just the YT-2400 that has Endo and his crew on it. We’re to the last PC slot.

CAMERON: I’m going to continue Evasive maneuvers and trying to gain the advantage with my Piloting check. Is it still a hard Piloting?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Two successes and four threats.

NICK: Interesting. While they are not able to target you in an effective way they are able to start predicting what your dodging patterns are, so it’s going to be a harder shot, but if they get lucky they’re gonna hit somewhere more important. They’ve started shooting into a specific vector because you keep dodging into that vector which makes you have to change what you’re doing.

We are back to the top, and they are going to fly around in a big loop again and attempt to strafe the top of the ship and stay out of their gun range. This is going to be average, because they’re gonna close in to close range to try to shoot you, and they are shooting their big old laser, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade that to two yellows and a green, and it’s going to be average difficulty. They do have two black dice though. But yeah, they’re shooting the side of your ship this time.

CAMERON: Okay. Port or starboard? … It doesn’t matter, they’re the same.

NICK: Port.

CAMERON: One failure.

NICK: Wow. So they buzz by, they’re just really struggling to hit. You’re able to continually dodge them after the initial missile volley, and they are close to you and pretty much exposed as their weapons recharge. We are to another PC slot.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s ask them to surrender!

CAMERON (as Karma): Just shoot ‘em.

HUDSON (as Tink): That seems needlessly—Well, I guess he does want to kill me, doesn’t he?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, they shot us first.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): And if we scare him enough because we shoot him enough maybe he’ll just jump out of his ship and fall into space.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we just shoot them until the ships blow up and then they are dead.

CAMERON (as Karma): That appears to be what he does is he jumps off of things and disappears into space. There’s been a pattern.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can shoot.

LILIT: Are we at medium range?

NICK: You’re at short range now.

LILIT: Ooh. Do I have any blue dice? I believe so. And I will aim. … No good, and no good. Two failures, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. You herd this ship down towards the underside of your ship where it gives HK a clean shot, so he’ll have some blue dice on his, but you all are just this spiraling ballet of piloting acumen. HK’s going to go. He’ll aim, so it’ll be three greens and a yellow and a blue die versus one purple.

CAMERON: Does he get another blue die from Xianna’s advantage?

NICK: Oh yeah, for gaining the advantage he has two more blue die.

CAMERON: Thank you. You can’t short-change Hank. We have to let him murder things good. Well, the purple die is blank, so…


CAMERON: Let me math real quick. Five successes and five advantages!

NICK: Oh… Hey! Do we wanna roll on the ship crit chart?!

CAMERON: [gasps] Yeah!

LILIT: [gasps] Yeah~

NICK: What’s the crit rating on those laser cannons?


NICK: Okay, so it’s just one crit then.

CAMERON: The only time we’ve ever rolled on the ship crit chart is when we were trying to roll on the Human crit chart and… we were wrong.

NICK: Yeah.


CAMERON: That is a 96.

NICK: What’s a 96 do?

HUDSON: Black hole is formed.

NICK: [laughs] Space-time destroyed. Game over.

CAMERON: A 96, Engine Damaged: The ship or vehicle’s maximum speed is reduced by 1 point, to a minimum of 1, until the critical hit is repaired.

NICK: Okay. Both of these large ships—the Afternoon Delight is a bit larger than the YT-2400, but they’re spinning around each other, and HK finally says…

NICK (as HK): Oh, maybe if I just destroy the engines they’ll leave us alone.

NICK: …and there’s a long pause, and a single burst of blaster fire strikes the engine cluster on the back of the ship and it immediately starts to belch fire and smoke and go slower and slower, and you are now able to completely outdistance it. You could just leave it in the nebula and it’s not gonna be able to find you anymore, or you could try and kill it, up to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nice shot, HK.

NICK (as HK): Thank you. The previous shots were me calibrating to this gunnery turret as I am a consummate professional.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

LILIT (as Xianna): You have won back a flower crown.

NICK (as HK): I would like to exchange my flower crown for additional vinyl shorts.

LILIT (as Xianna): You want to just wear two pairs?

NICK (as HK): Maybe I’ll change colors halfway through.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, okay.

HUDSON: I call Endo on the holo phone.

NICK: He picks up immediately. There’s sparks shooting in the background that you can see picked up on the hologram. You’re still in the rear of the ship, but you hit the com button that’s next to the door, because there’s little holo coms in each room.

NICK (as Endo): [angrily] What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): I think someone owes someone else an apology for being a little bit mean earlier.

NICK (as Endo): Oh, I’m sorry, did the fact that you destroyed two ships with friends in it and the fact that we’re trying to steal things from you not show that we’re enemies?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just saying you have a chance to turn things around as your ship is blowing up in front of you.

NICK (as Endo): No, it’s just really damaged. It’s not gonna blow up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s… Alright, it was great talking to you.


NICK: I was gonna give you the chance to roll like an Intimidation check or something, but—

HUDSON: Well yeah, because we’re gonna blow up the ship. I just didn’t wanna get in the way.


NICK: Are you just gonna kill him?

HUDSON: Yeah, we’re just gonna kill him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Tink’s like “Alright, that was your chance, nah.”

NICK: Okay, and you hang up. We’re to… That NPC’s dead. We’re to another PC slot. Tink, did you wanna try to disable them or hack their system, or do we wanna just let the gunners go again?

HUDSON: I just want the gunners to kill it.

NICK: Okay. Lilit, you wanna shoot these motherfuckers?

LILIT: Sure.

NICK: They’re still at close range. Their speed is down. You get two blue dice, and you can get another blue die for aiming, and it’s one purple.

LILIT: I will aim then.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That is three successes and two advantages.

NICK: Alright, yeah. You’re able to disable this ship, dramatically. Where do you shoot it?

LILIT: The ass.

NICK: You shoot it in the ass! The engines flair and explode outwards, and the ship begins to drift dead in space. Tink, the com call that you had connected to Endo had been trying to reconnect with you as Endo tried to call you back when you hung up, and it goes dead. The ship is destroyed. You have completely defeated it.

You’re able to fly off into the nebula. You can see that the ship was leaking atmosphere behind you. It’s done for. After taking some quick turns and navigating a little bit closer you’re able to find this small moon nestled inside the middle of the nebula.

After you pull into the moon you’re able to find a small square building nestled into a crater on the north pole of this moon and you figure that that’s probably your destination, and we see you set down and the ramp drop and the four of you stepping off of the ship, and you have those clear breathing masks with the tubes that connect to their belt because there isn’t good atmosphere on this little moon, and they walk towards the low square building. That’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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