Transcript: S2 Episode 22- And All That Jizz

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 22:
And All That Jizz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Stealth Suit Stanley for your review. Thank you for the kind words. It is really good to hear when people enjoy the show.

We also have a new patron to thank. Donald A. Fowler, thank you so much for supporting the show. If you could help us out with something, Falx seems to have wandered off and we get worried when we don’t know what he’s up to. Please track him down for us. I’ll give you some advice. If you sing “dun da-na-na na,” he absolutely can’t resist finishing with “dun-dun!”

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 22. A beautiful night in the Star Wars universe. Welcome to… this adventure. Hello. … We’re all fine here. How are you?

HUDSON: … Who are you talking to?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The audience.


CAMERON: Okay, cool.

NICK: Uh, anyway…

LILIT: He’s talking to the cats.

CAMERON: Are you waiting for them to answer?

NICK: Yeah, like… [stammers] Can you point to the map on where the next adventure is?

CAMERON: [laughing] I was about to say, it’s like Dora the Explorer. “Can you say map?”

NICK: [grinning] I’m your host and game master, Nick!

CAMERON: Good job!

NICK: Thank you.


NICK: Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: [higher pitched] Hi, I’m Fry, and I’m gonna try and eat all the equipment on the sound board.


LILIT: Chew on the little knobs and bat the dice around and get them under the doors and into the vents. You’ll never see them again~

NICK: Fry, put Lilit back on the microphone.

LILIT: Hi, I’m Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Thank you Lilit for setting Fry back on the ground. That had me nervous for a second.

LILIT: Yeah, you know, he was so high up in the air and he’s wiggly. He can really get away from you pretty fast.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] Aiming for those knobs.

LILIT: But it was a very smooth transition there.

NICK: Mm-hmm! Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: [doing the voice] Ha-ho! I’m Mickey Mouse! [mumbles] . Ha-ho!


HUDSON: I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. So, before we start with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: Two light side!

CAMERON: [gasps]

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: That was pretty good. When we last left off you all got pizza, Xianna and Nolaa made out in a bathroom, you learned where a piece of the Shattered Force was—the Space Breaker, and you found out that it was being held by a Fosh that is a jizz singer named Keyna and were given the address of the Blue Bantha jizz club. Small side note, jizz is jazz in Star Wars. Just reminding everyone, when I say jizz think the word jazz and nothing else.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do wish that this was a visual medium so that I could put a little jizz counter in the bottom of a corner and it could ring up every time we say jizz in this episode!

CAMERON: If you’re hanging out in the new episode chat on our Discord right now, please tell us how many times jizz is said in this episode. [laughs]

NICK: That’s very good.


HUDSON: Nick, when is HK gonna do a solo of the famous Chicago song ‘And All That Jizz’?

NICK: HK already did. It actually happened before we started recording.



NICK: So it’s one of the lost files, unfortunately.

LILIT: We weren’t invited to that. We’re not cool enough.

CAMERON: [laughing] It was just Nick sitting in a room by himself singing in the HK voice.

NICK: With the vocoder on. So, with that wonderful image, let’s get into it.

The Blue Bantha jizz club – it’s cutting-edge, fashionable, and nostalgic all at the same time. We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight as they stand in the entrance to the club. The light is low and blue. There is a bar on each side of the room which seats over 50 beings but still gives the impression of being close and homey.

Everybody tell me one thing about the Blue Bantha that sets it apart.

[smooth electronic jazz begins]

CAMERON: In the entryway to the club there is a rather large fountain that has a bantha as the statue in the center of it, and it’s doing the typical cherub pose where the water is coming out of the hands of the bantha. That’s not how banthas stand, but that’s how this one stands. And it is of course in blue marble.

NICK: The interesting thing is it looks like a cheap statue, like this was installed over a previous sculpture at some point in the recent past. The marble doesn’t really match, which gives less of an elegant look than maybe the designer was going for. That’s great. What else?

HUDSON: There are cage dancers, but they are antigravity cages that kinda float around and twist and turn.

NICK: Cool. Yeah, there’s some Twi’leks and some Humans and—

HUDSON: Herglics.

CAMERON: [pleased] Herglics.

NICK: Yeah, and a couple of Herglics in cages, and they’re dancing to the music that’s playing from a location that you can’t quite see, and it very much adds to the décor.

LILIT: There is a second-story floor that has little semi-private booths, and they have very intricate beaded curtains covering them as sort of a little privacy net.

NICK: Oh, that’s very cool. You can see that there are waiters coming in and out of those private booths with very expensive-looking cocktails serving the more VIP clientele. The spiral staircase in the corner that leads up to that floor has a large bouncer standing in front of it. You would assume that getting up there would be a little difficult but worth it, because the view is impeccable.

[music changes to more energetic party jazz]

As you stand, taking this scene in and looking around for a seat, a spotlight pops up and you notice a small stage against the back of the club. Standing on the stage is a Bith playing a kloo horn. The spotlight splits and you see another Bith on a piano as they begin to dance their fingers along glowing keys. Soon the stage is illuminated to show a full band with drums and a jizz box. The song is frantic, dark and energetic like a fresh cup of caf. The announcer’s voice floats over the music.

NICK (as announcer): Please welcome to our stage, the one, the only, Keyna~!

NICK: You see a Fosh, which is basically like a bird person, with black feathers and dark green accent feathers. Her red eyes set off the sequence on her small stylish hat, and her red-fringed flapper dress sways as she walks to the microphone. Her voice quiets the room: smooth, low and sultry as she sings. Her song is about the need to cut loose, drink, and enjoy yourself, and you can see the business at the bar picks up.

CAMERON: So we knew we were coming to a club. Did we dress to come to a club or are we in our standard outfits?

NICK: You see a mixture of people wearing evening wear and people wearing more practical clothes in the Star Wars universe, so you could get away with either. What do you think? Did y’all change?

HUDSON: I have a top hat.

LILIT: [smiling] A top hat? Okay.

NICK: Nice. Got that out of the ship.

HUDSON: The costume closet.

CAMERON: I think karma changed and has removed a good portion of her arsenal.

NICK: Okay, so you have like a thigh holster with a blaster in it or something?

CAMERON: I have a vibro-knife and a hold out blaster.

NICK: Cool. So what are you wearing?

CAMERON: I have to match Tink’s top hat, so… like a black but with a gold glitter to it sheath dress that has a looser fitting cowl at the top across the chest and has quite a flowy skirt so you can’t tell that she has guns attached to her leg, but is still wearing her normal boots.

NICK: What about Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna would keep her main outfit, however she would switch out the normal black fabric belt on the trench coat for a more decorative gold filigree belt.

NICK: Ooh.

[music fades]

LILIT: Then she also has a Twi’lek headdress that is black with some similar gold embroidery that matches the belt.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve still got the trench coat, you’ve just accented it in a more formal fashion.

LILIT: It is hard to get Xianna out of the trench coat. Eh? But there’s also a wink attached to that.


LILIT: Asterisk, it is hard to get Xianna to wear something other than the trench coat is maybe a more accurate statement. Probably keeping the boots, because the boots are a nice black wedged heel with some rainbow oil snakeskin detailing at the top, so they’re already kind of nice.

NICK: Yeah. So, as this song continues, do you head to the bar, do you split up, do you go to try and grab a table? What is the objective here? The person that you came to see is singing on stage, so you’re not gonna necessarily be able to interrupt that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s find a table.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [stilted] We look for an empty table.

NICK: Yeah. As Tink says “let’s find a table,” you can see that there’s a couple of those chest-high tables without chairs around it where you can set cocktail drinks down. It’s mostly standing room in this club except for the VIP booths up top, but there is empty space both at the bar and at one of those little tables where you could get drinks and enjoy the concert if that’s what you wanna do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Waiter! Waiter? Could I get a Shirley Temple, please?

NICK (as waiter): Absolutely.

NICK: The waiter looks around to see if Karma and Xianna want something as well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Diet Coke, please.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as waiter): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, can I get a Naboo martini please?

NICK (as waiter): Of course.

NICK: The waiter walks off. We get this swinging shot of the waiter walking away as this song is continuing. As the song ends there’s a long round of applause. The waiter unobtrusively slides your drinks onto the table without getting in the way of your view of the stage, and the lighting is moody and makes things look a little more monochrome, and the singer segues into a slow sultry ballad.

[gentle music begins]

Her colored feathers that were accenting her mostly dark plumage shift to a deep purple that complement the lighting, and the spell of the music seems to deepen, but you’re able to still look around and kinda analyze the room, see the scene. Do you listen to the rest of the concert or do you try to get any information or anything?

LILIT: Xianna is absolutely gonna case the joint from the table.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So just peering around for exits, for any windows, windows that seem like they would open, windows that don’t seem like they would open. Where are service entrances? How many floors, how many tables, how many workers? What do the bodyguards look like? How big are the bodyguards? Do they look very buff? Do they  have earpieces? Are they on coms? All of that fun information. I assume that would be Skulduggery.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be hard difficulty, though.

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: Wow, you have a lot in Skulduggery apparently.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do. Four successes.

NICK: So you notice a couple of things. On the surface, this bar looks like kind of a dive, the kind of place where they don’t have a lot of security because there’s not really anything to steal, minus the obvious bouncer by the staircase, but you also see that there are things here that are nicer than that.

As you peer closer you do notice that there’s a few security cameras very unobtrusively tucked into the corners, and you see that some of the patrons of this bar are not really watching the show and they’re not really drinking, they’re watching the crowd. So it seems like there’s some security here that isn’t necessarily dressed like security, and those people all look sharp to you. They look like people who have seen conflict and who are ready to throw down if they have to, and you see the obvious bulge of a couple of blasters in their coat pockets.

You do also note that there’s a side exit and it looks like there’s an exit at the back of the stage that would go to some dressing rooms and things, and you can see the service entrance there as well, so you would be able to make your way backstage pretty easily. The other thing you notice is that the bartenders both avoid part of the area under the bar when they’re making drinks like something is stashed there that’s not alcohol, maybe like a blaster or something.

And, with four successes… this whole floor could turn into a shooting range very easily from those bars. Like, it’s set up to look unobtrusive and relaxed and kind of aged glamor sort of look, a bit of an older and worn out thing, but this place is also set up for good sightlines and defense which is a little surprising.

LILIT: Based on Xianna’s experience with smuggling and thievery and general scoundrelry, does this appear to be a bar that is maybe gang activity or is it they are holding more valuable items somewhere and they want that added security? Or something else?

[music ends]

NICK: This place looks like a front to you.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So not necessarily like they have something valuable. You don’t see anywhere where there would be necessarily a safe or any of the security measures that would be like “this is a treasure room.” What you do see is that these security and everything look like gangsters, essentially. This is a place where an organization meets up and it’s kind of their home base, and you very much identify that very quickly.

LILIT: Wonderful. Xianna does lean in towards everyone at the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, by the way, this is some sort of front for like gang activity or thieves or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ I wonder what’s in the back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we will have to see.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you said it was a front and then I said it was the back. It was a joke…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. I understand it was a joke, it’s just… there is a front and a back.

NICK: The song slowly comes to an end and everyone cheers. You can see Keyna, the singer, make a quick gesture to wherever the MC is up on the second floor, and you hear:

NICK (as announcer): Wasn’t that amazing, folks? Keyna will be back later tonight but will be taking a quick break of the set. Please enjoy our instrumentals.

NICK: Keyna turns and walks backstage. The lighting comes up a little bit and fully lights the stage, and you can see the band starting to play away just some happy cantina music just to keep everybody busy while they drink and talk. It looks like Keyna has gone backstage to rest and may be alone where you could talk to her if you wanted to.

CAMERON: I have a question…

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: …that seems like something that we should’ve asked earlier. Do we have HK with us or is it just the three of us?

NICK: Yeah, HK is there.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s HK’s formal wear?

NICK: HK has a little bowtie on.

LILIT: Beautiful.


CAMERON: Good. Good.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder… do they take requests?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not that kind of club.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do you know it’s not that kind of club?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is just not.

CAMERON (as Karma): What song were you going to request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanted to request an old Fall Out Bay song, Exit to Endor: Love Found on a Beach Week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one, but they would definitely not play it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not that kind of club? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not that kind of club.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, does everybody else see all the secret security?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, I’m pretty aloof.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

LILIT: Is there a cocktail napkin under one of the glasses?

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: What Xianna does is Xianna takes the napkin and holds it next to the glass and, she had ordered a martini, so there’s some sort of fancy little thing on a toothpick, and takes out the toothpick and sort of casually, very surreptitiously, uses the drink to make little dots on the napkin while not looking and talking to the group so that anyone looking by would just think she’s fidgeting or messing with something, and marks where the door is and where the group is, and slides it back over.

LILIT (as Xianna): The dots are the security. You should not look at them directly, they will see you. You are very big and noticeable.

NICK (as HK): And carrying an axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

HUDSON: I look down at my axe.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. It’s, uh… it’s kinda out there. I’m proud of it, but it’s out there, especially in this jizz club.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, for some reason that sounds inappropriate.

LILIT (as Xianna): What, jizz? It is just a type of music.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no, how he was talking about his axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. It did seem a little iffy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just proud of what I got.

LILIT (as Xianna): But is a jizz club the place to show it off?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s continuing.

HUDSON (as Tink): If not at a jizz club, where?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, like a combat situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ren fair?

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a good point. Yes.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you know what they say, it’s not the size of your vibro-axe it’s how you use it, and Tink is quite skilled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, HK knows.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was just suggesting combat situation. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): We think that this could become a combat situation. Security does look quite intense. I agree with secondary user Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, investigation mode, I will do it.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. Uh… I am here to support you, secondary user Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. You are a good friend, HK.

NICK (as HK): And you are a good friend to me, threatening me with changing my brain setup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes indeed. Okie. Do you all want to try to sneak into the back or do you want me to just casually sneak in?

HUDSON (as Tink): I can cause a distraction if needed.

CAMERON (as Karma): What were you thinking for a distraction?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would get up on stage and start singing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that is a great distraction.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a distraction. I will say, that is where the stage door is, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: So there is a stage door to the left of the stage that would lead backstage without getting onto the stage, but yeah, the stage is low enough and informal enough that, Tink, you could get up there without someone being able to probably stop you right away until they figured out what you were doing.


LILIT (as Xianna): You know, if you do that, HK and I can take it from there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Just tell me when. I have a song queued up. I’ll have them hit the lights on me. I haven’t done this in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whenever you want to go, you—

HUDSON: I start walking up there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, are you going to stay out here and watch this?

LILIT: And Xianna gestures broadly towards the stage.

LILIT (as Xianna): This mess? Or are you going to come with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I will come with y’all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Here you go.

LILIT: Xianna, out of seemingly thin air, has procured a drink tray and thrusts it into Karma’s hands.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are going to want to pick up some drinks along the way. Quick-quick we go!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get an overhead shot of people standing at these standing tables and the band is playing. Tink walks close to the stage. The bouncer who’s by the staircase eyes him suspiciously for a second before dismissing him, and Tink is facing away from the stage, and in one quick step just puts his leg back and steps up (whoop), and is suddenly on stage and does a spin and is standing in front of the microphone. The band that was playing peters to a halt and the spotlight snaps on and the lights go down and just spotlights Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi, patrons! I’m… uh, Tron.

NICK (as audience): Woo! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m here—Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, my man. Um… so, I’m here today to play you, to sing you a nice little ditty.

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird~!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s not—

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ditty, but not… that’s not what I’m playing. Okay, I’m just gonna go, okay?

NICK: And one of the Biths that’s behind you, Tink, leans forward. It’s the one that was on the piano.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Hey bro, what are we playing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Ah, Rocket Man.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Oh! Oh yeah, of course, that famous Star Wars song, Rocket Man.


NICK: And the opening chords start.

HUDSON (as Tink): [in a slower spoken word style] She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero, hour 9 AM, and I’m gonna be high… as a kite! By then.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: And we zoom away from that. The entire room is mesmerized by this. Nobody goes to interrupt it. We see Xianna and HK and Karma walking very quickly to take advantage of that distraction towards that back door. As you are walking towards your goal, a Nautolan who seems mesmerized by Tink’s performance bumps into Karma on his way walking the other direction.

Karma, you make a quick moment of eye contact and there’s a lightning bolt of recognition. Xianna, you have a moment to see them knock into each other and they both stop, and he looks familiar to you. You’re not really sure why. You don’t know him, but for some reason he looks familiar. The Nautolan stops and leans in to speak very quickly and says:

NICK (as Nautolan): K-Karma?! It’s been years! How are you?

LILIT: The moment this interaction begins Xianna twirls around and seamlessly picks up the tray away from Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): You seem like you are going to be busy. Okay bye. HK, this is yours now.

NICK: That happens so quickly the Nautolan doesn’t even notice, he so absorbed with Karma.

NICK (as Nautolan): I’m doing really well. I got promoted recently. I’m, ahem, extremely successful. How are you?

CAMERON (as Karma): [performative] I… I am good. Imagine seeing you here… Wow!

CAMERON: They do a hug that is the awkward hug of you’re now 40 and this is someone you dated in high school.

NICK: With that he leans back from the hug.

NICK (as Nautolan): Who would have thought, Keer and karma meeting up back on Coruscant.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m… shocked.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that conversation to Xianna and HK. I think they’ve already slipped into the door. There’s a short hallway and then a very standard wooden door with a gold star on it. You’re standing in front of the room where presumably the singer has gone to rest. Do you just barge in? Do you knock? What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna knocks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. We have a scheduling question!

NICK: The door flies open and you see Keyna, this Fosh singer, and she’s wearing a fluffy bathrobe that’s tied pretty low.

NICK (as Keyna): Look, I’m trying to prepare for the next performance, so you—You don’t work here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not. Okay. HK, you go into the room now. Okay. We are going to come in here and we are going to have a little chat. Okie-dokie?

NICK (as Keyna): Okay. You have my interest.

NICK: She steps out of the way. HK’s already slid in behind her. As you go in I assume you shut the door behind you.

LILIT: Xianna shuts the door and I imagine there’s a fancy vanity that has a large mirror and the ring lighting around it and Xianna goes and just sits on top of that, of course not into the chair, on the vanity, and takes just whatever drink is on HK’s tray and starts sipping on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Keyna, fabulous singer of the Blue Bantha, I—

NICK (as Keyna): Whoa! Who told you it was called the Blue Bantha? This is the Songbird. It hasn’t been the Blue Bantha in months.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there is a Blue Bantha statue…

NICK (as Keyna): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): …and I’m pretty sure one of the napkins had Blue Bantha Jizz Club on it, and when we were given directions we were told it was the Blue Bantha Jizz Club.

NICK (as Keyna): [muttering] Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha… Everyone talks about Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): So what is it called?

NICK (as Keyna): It’s called the Songbird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Keyna): If you want to have this conversation with me, please, call it the Songbird, and I’m Keyna, like you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine then. Keyna, fabulous singer of the Songbird, you recently procured an item, and the problem is that we need it back, or more importantly you bought it from someone who bought it from us who should not have bought it from us, and we need it. So, we can buy it back from you or we can take it back from you.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh…

NICK: You see her facial expression kind of rearrange.

NICK (as Keyna): What exactly did I buy?

LILIT: A moment of blank confusion crosses Xianna’s face. She does a swivel towards HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do you remember the actual name of it? Because, um, I only have an inappropriate nickname to call it.

NICK (as HK): I believe that it was referred to by our… employer as the Space Breaker. It is a crystal rod about a third of a meter long.

LILIT (as Xianna): I believe it is yellow.

NICK: Keyna raises her eyebrows.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh… yeah, I bought that for someone else, actually. It’s funny you should bring that up. You see, you might be able to help me with that, because it got stolen recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Grief. I always hate this. This always happens!

NICK: And we’re gonna jump back to Tink singing on the stage. Where are you at?

HUDSON (as Tink): [energetic and poorly] I think it’s gonna be a long, long time! ‘Til touchdown brings me round again to find. I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no-no-no~!

LILIT (as audience): Woo!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a rocket man!

LILIT (as audience): Yeah! [claps]

HUDSON (as Tink): Rocket man~!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!


NICK: The bouncer is like snapping and really getting into it from where he is by the staircase. No one has gone to stop you, because this performance is so good. The camera swings away from Tink and he fades into the background as we see Karma and this other Nautolan, presumably Keer, having an awkward conversation in the middle of the floor.

CAMERON: So I think we have shifted over to the bar.

NICK: Okay. So you’re at the bar, and he’s leaning on it.

NICK (as Keer): So, um… what have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, lots of bounty hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Okay~

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, I had heard you didn’t end up going into security like your mom or like I did, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. You know, plans change. You don’t always wanna do what you think you do when you’re 16.

NICK (as Keer): [chuckles] That’s what I did. I’ve been in security ever since protecting the senator, you know. Your mom retired recently, and I’m sure she’s having a great time on Glee Anselm, but… did she say who replaced her? Because it was me, actually. I’m now in charge of the senator’s security detail.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well congratulations. I haven’t actually talked to my mom since Life Day, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): …did not get that update, but congrats! You worked a long time to get there. It’s very cool.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. Yeah! It is extremely cool. I like it a lot. Listen, do you wanna, like, get out of here, maybe go somewhere more quiet?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I would love to, but I’m here with him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Roc-ket maaan~!

LILIT (as audience): yeah, rocket man! Yeah~! [claps]

CAMERON (as Karma): So um… I’m here for a while, I think. A few of our other crewmates are here as well, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. You’re not working a job, are you? Operating on Coruscant is kind of touch-and-go legal-wise.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t seen any bounty offices since we got here. We’re just trying to track something down for a friend.

NICK (as Keer): So if you’re busy tonight that’s fine, I understand, but this is kind of a wild happenstance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [tightly] Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): I think we should… We shouldn’t just let this go to waste, right? We haven’t talked since I was, what… 18?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Uh-huh.

NICK (as Keer): It’s been a long time. You okay? You’re looking a little pale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, I’m fine. I think I just drank my Diet Coke too fast.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Hey, listen, there’s a caf place in the district that serves a really nice cup, actually.

NICK: He pulls out a business card and scribbles something on it in pen and hands it to you.

NICK (as Keer): Why don’t we meet there tomorrow, in the morning? Say like 8 AM?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’d love to.

NICK (as Keer): Great! Well, it’s been really good to see you, Karma. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a date!

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK: And he like goes to do a hug then realizes that Karma’s very still and not going to reciprocate and pauses for a second with his arms up, and then drops them, and then holds his hand out for a handshake.

CAMERON: Karma gives him a good handshake.

NICK: They do a very business-like handshake. You can see he’s blushing a little, and he turns and heads towards the door. We’re gonna cut back to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so who do we have to go and steal it from now?

NICK (as Keyna): You know how I blew up about the Blue Bantha thing? The former “owners—”

NICK: She does air quotes.

NICK (as Keyna): —were the ones that named it that. I used to be here a long time ago, and they took it from me, and I finally took it back and renamed it the Songbird, but in the process I may have made some enemies, and these gang members, these drug runners, stole the Space Breaker from me. I was going to give it to someone very important to pay a debt, so it would be great if you could get that back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. One, what is the gang called? What is the gang name?

NICK (as Keyna): They’re called the Kemslingers. They’re a local Coruscanti group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. That is a terrible name. I hate them already. I will steal from them of course. Two, problem: again, I need this.

NICK (as Keyna): Tell you what. I am so tired of them. If you get it back and steal it from them, and if they happen to be disbanded as a group due to excessive fatalities… you can keep it. I’ll pay off my debt to my… I don’t wanna say employer or boss, but she has some dirt on me. I can pay my debt off a different way though.

LILIT: Xianna sets her drink back down on the vanity.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you love murder. This is going to be great. Okay. Thank you, Keyna, for this valuable information. I hope whatever your whole deal here is at the Songbird works out. Whatever you are hiding in the back or selling, whatever it is. Ooh wait, is it drugs?!

NICK (as Keyna): No. No, I never work in drugs, sweetie.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, never mind. Well, disappointments all around. HK, we are going now.

LILIT: And hops down off the vanity and walks back to the door and closes it but pops her head back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, it was lovely talking to you. Goodbye~

NICK (as Keyna): Yes. Remember, the Kemslingers, and uh… no survivors please~

LILIT (as Xianna): We will probably do that, or like 98%. You know, 99.99%.

NICK (as Keyna): That sounds good, sweetie. Thank you.

NICK: And she goes back to powdering her cheeks at her vanity mirror now that you’re not sitting on it anymore. So Xianna, you leave this hallway, you open the door, HK’s right behind you. You bump almost into Karma who is standing at the door about to follow you in. Tink is getting a standing ovation for his first song. You step out of the hallway and shut the door before anyone can see, and you’re standing by the door to the side of the stage, and Tink launches into another rendition of a wonderful and classic hit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, this is another jizz classic.

LILIT (as audience): Yeah~! [claps] Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. Thank you, my man.

LILIT (as audience): Whoa-ho! Yeah~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Aruba. Jamaica. Ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on pretty mamas.

LILIT (as audience): [mumbling along loudly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing it!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!


HUDSON (as Tink): Key Largo. Montego. Baby why don’t we go down to Kokomo!

LILIT (as audience): Kokomo~!

HUDSON: I see Xianna walking away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh! Uh… [rushed] That’s where we wanna go—Johnny, play me off!

HUDSON: I tip my hat and walk off the stage as the band plays me off.

NICK: The piano player is like…

NICK (as pianist): [indignant] My name’s Fino.

NICK: …but starts playing. Dink-a-dink-a-dink. Da-da-da ba-da-bum! And you step off the stage very jazz handsy. The bouncer who was guarding the stairs comes over to you and looks really big and intimidating and then pats you on the shoulder.

NICK (as bouncer): Man, that was some of the best singing we’ve had in this club for a long time. Now don’t tell Keyna I said that, she does own this place, and she’s great, but you just bring a certain inspiration and energy to that stage. I hope that you’ll come back. I really enjoyed myself.

NICK: Then he straightens his security shirt and goes back to standing by the stairs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Come back! Thank you so much for your kind words. Take this guitar pick to remember me by.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as bouncer): You, uh… didn’t play guitar.

HUDSON (as Tink): You didn’t see me play guitar. That’s how good I am. Wanna see me do it again?

NICK (as bouncer): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): [smug] There you go.

NICK (as bouncer): [chuckles] Wow. Fastest guitar player in the galaxy. I’m gonna hang onto this. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. What’s your name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Tron.

NICK (as bouncer): Right, Tron… I’ll remember that. When you’re famous, don’t forget about your time here at the Blue Ban—at the Songbird Jizz Club.

NICK: And he goes back to stand by the staircase. You all are able to meet up at a quiet corner of the bar to make notes and compare stories.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, the space dildo was stolen from Keyna by a gang called the Kemslingers, and if we go kill the gang and all of that so they are no longer operating, we can keep it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Easy enough? I don’t know. Are they dangerous? Do we have any other context on this group?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, she said local gang, so I assume they’re not that bad if they are local.

CAMERON: Karma now has a tablet. Where did it come from? We don’t know. It was somewhere in her dress. And is on the bounty hunter site and is looking up the Kemslingers gang.

NICK: They’re small-time. They do a little bit of drug running. It looks like maybe there’s been some slavery charges that were dropped. But in the grand scheme of things in the galaxy they’re pretty low on the radar. It’s the kind of thing where you could turn them in for a small amount of credits and a thank you, but the local police don’t seem very interested in paying out. The government isn’t putting a large bounty on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): They seem real small-time. We’ve taken on bigger enemies. They’re not worth that much.

NICK: Xianna and Tink, you notice that Karma is acting weird. She seems kind of distracted and uncomfortable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, you’re acting weird. You seem distracted and uncomfortable.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Tink!

LILIT: Xianna kicks him underneath the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Shh. That was- I don’t- … Tink, do you not know how to do math? Like, look at Karma. Look at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, I see her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now look at that man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this the math of love?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is the only math I know how to do.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I always say that. I always joke about not knowing how to do the math, but actually I am pretty okay at doing the math when I need to because of the money and stealing and stuff. I just don’t like it. I need a calculator to help.

HUDSON (as Tink): Understood. Uh, Karma, never mind.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was real smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Do you need to, I don’t know, have an evening with your… friend? Quote, quote.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] No, we’re gonna go get caf tomorrow morning.

LILIT & HUDSON (as Xianna & Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all do not have to make that noise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes we did.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Why?

NICK (as HK): Questioning Statement. Is that a euphemism for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [indignant] Getting caf in the morning? No.

NICK (as HK): The caf in the morning.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it is. It is also a euphemism.

NICK (as HK): Downloading pickup lines. … Hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Hey baby, that’s a pretty cool outfit, it would look even better on my floor. Hey baby—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.


LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, make sure you get the one that is “hey baby, I like the ligma.”

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s ligma?

LILIT (as Xianna): Deez nuts!

NICK: [laughs] Shit.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I do not think I understand that pickup line. What do legumes have to do with getting into somebody’s DMs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not worry about it, HK. We will explain later and we will set up a powerpoint. It’ll be a whole deal.

NICK (as HK): Will this be like the powerpoint that Sentinel used?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, mine will be good. So should we do this tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow night? Just because if Karma has to go on a “coffee meetup” with a “friend” in the morning maybe we should not be doing too much stuff tonight.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is legitimately what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): [suspicious] Okay~

NICK (as HK): Karma, your heartrate and body temperature seem elevated. Are you okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You know HK, I was just so moved by Tink’s version of Rocket Man. I’m just coming down from the high of hearing that.

NICK (as HK): Karma, that doesn’t make sense. Quantifiably, Tink’s version of Rocket Man was inferior to the original recording.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa!

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not inferior, it is just a different style. Sometimes covers have their own artistic merit.

CAMERON (as Karma): It had so much heart!

HUDSON (as Tink): I wasn’t singing the original, I was singing a cover of a cover.

NICK (as HK): Oh… Recalculating. I do not understand, but I sense that I will hurt feelings if I continue this conversation. Great job, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so we go back to the ship for the night, we do some planning, Karma has her totally normal coffee meetup with a friend in the morning…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we go kill some dudes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Ooh! On the way back to the ship, can I get a pizza cone?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Okay. You can do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as HK): Please explain what a pizza cone is.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is exactly what it sounds like, HK. It is a cone of dough with pizza fillings on the inside.

NICK (as HK): Are we going back to Darth Pizza the Cheese? We just left there.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. Darth Pizza the Cheese is like a nice sit-down place. This you get out of a little stall. It is like a single credit and they just throw it at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s pretty good. You have to catch it, and if you drop it they don’t give you another one free. I learned that the hard way.

NICK: If HK could blink slowly in confusion that’s what he would be doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a food thing. You wouldn’t understand, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where are the Kemslingers based?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I have no idea. This is not the right bar for that. If you just give me like two hours and a handful of—I don’t even need a handful of credits. I will just get free drinks. You give me like an hour and a half out on the town, I can get all of that for you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hour and a half on the town? Make it 60 minutes and it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You give me 60 minutes and then somebody buys me a pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but it’s gotta be from one of the places where they have the little shakers of extra cheese and pepper on the side, because I like to make mine spicy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Of course.

LILIT: Xianna takes her drink, slams it back, slams it back onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I will be back here in exactly 60 minutes! Start the timer. Go!

LILIT: She claps her hands, spins around, and heads out. Xianna’s plan is to go into seedier bars and flirt for information, as one does.

NICK: That would be a Streetwise check at hard difficulty, with a black die because you’re not a local.

LILIT: Okay, but I can remove the black die because of Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

HUDSON: Street Smarts!

LILIT: Street Smarts!

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts!

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: From Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I also have a blue die since I will be targeting people who are inebriated?

NICK: Yes you can.

LILIT: Too many blank dice. I don’t like that, but okay. Sadly, it is only two successes and one advantage.

NICK: [grinning] ONLY two successes and one advantage.

LILIT: I had a yellow, a blue and a green die all come up blank, so that is a sad play.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [chuckles]

NICK: So you are able to collect the information. What you are able to find out is the info about the gang. They have weirdly been hunted. With two successes and an advantage, describe to me your montage of your hour of collecting information.

[upbeat investigation music begins]

LILIT: So Xianna goes into bars, and Xianna looks for anyone that has gang tattoos. Even if she doesn’t think they are tattoos specifically for the Kemslingers, any gang tattoo is good. And will make eyes with them from across the bar, have them come to her. It initiates it. It brings down their sense of security, because they’re initiating the interaction. Gets them to buy her a drink, and then she will talk about how cool it is to be in a gang and ask to see their gang tattoo, and talk about it, and then be like “well, some other guy was trying to buy me a drink and they had a Kemslingers tattoo,” and see what they say.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: This person might hate them and give a whole bunch of information about the Kemslingers and talk shit about them, or will talk a whole bunch about it because they’re in it. She repeats this pattern at a few different bars on a few different various people.

NICK: With two successes and an advantage, you are able to do this in under an hour, so part of the montage is you finish and say “oh yes, that’s very interesting,” finish your drink and sprint out of the bar [laughs] towards the next one. So we see you like running down the street trying to get to the next seedy place.

LILIT: It is sort of a Batman scenario in that the person will turn around to order a new drink, and by the time they turn around Xianna is gone.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And is indeed running down the street to the next bar, sneaks in because she does not have time to wait in line and get past a bouncer, and repeats the process.

[investigation music ends]

NICK: So while this is all going on, Karma and Tink and HK are sitting at the bar waiting for Xianna to get back.

HUDSON: I have an old fashioned stopwatch I keep looking at every once in a while for some reason.

NICK: [makes a loud and annoying ticking sound]

HUDSON: Yeah, like one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): It goes really well with your top hat. It’s like very coordinated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Tink is timing Xianna on this antique stopwatch that he’s found.

CAMERON: Karma and HK are just playing Chess on her tablet.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Statement: Knight to Pawn 5.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’m beginning to remember why I don’t like Chess.

NICK (as HK): Because I have all the moves downloaded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm?

HUDSON (as Tink): Move the horsey over by the crossy tall one and then sweep the board. You know what I mean, sweep the board.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay.

CAMERON: Karma moves the knight over to the king?

HUDSON (as Tink): By the king, the crossy one.

CAMERON (as Karma): The crossy person? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I have utmost respect for you, but it’s SUPER messed up to give someone the only gap in my strategy moves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha~

NICK: At this point Xianna runs back into the room.

LILIT: Xianna comes stumbling back in. She now has a pair of bright yellow shutter shades on top of her head, is wearing a whole stack of glow bead necklaces, and has a yard-long drink with the big crazy straw that spells out bridesmaid.


LILIT: She comes back in slurping on the drink, throws an elbow onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I have found out the information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fifty-eight minutes! Good job.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am good at what I do. The Kemslingers, they have a spot nearby, not too far. It is in an old speeder garage that they use as a front for their drug running.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. The drug running is the front? Of what crime?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The speeder garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t repair speeders really. Well, I’m sure they do too, but they mostly do the drug running in the background.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): They have been beefing up their security lately, getting some real beefy boys and guns for the security. Apparently someone has been killing them off over the last year. They made some sort of enemy. I didn’t figure out who. Somebody. So, hopefully we don’t run into them, whoever they are, but yeah. So, they have some extra security but there aren’t that many of them left, so I think it kind of evens out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Checkmate.

NICK: HK stops, does this micro-shift of his head to the board and back to karma, and to the board and back to Karma, and then with one hand, without the rest of his body moving, flips the tablet over and puts it facedown.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you should have used a Mustafarian Swap.

NICK (as HK): The Mustafarian Swap doesn’t work when the rook side pawns have been moved already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you use a Mustafarian Swap at that point, and it seems like it is not going to work, but you wait a few turns and usually they are gonna move their bishop, and then what you do is a Corellian Gambit. You see what happens? Ah-ha, that is checkmate.

NICK (as HK): That is outdated strategy that only works 67% of the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): 67% of the time it works every time, HK!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, secondary user, you seem more inebriated than you did at the beginning of this evening.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I went to six different bars. Also I got this yard drink at one time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a bridesmaid?

LILIT (as Xianna): Apparently yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is getting married? I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did steal the stuff from a different bridesmaid so I could sneak back into the bar. I don’t feel bad about it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, I owe you a one-of-a-kind pizza cone from Pooky’s Pizza Cone & Boba Tea Emporium.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh! Kriff yes! Okay, let’s go get the pizza cone.

NICK: We cut to the four of you sitting on a curb as speeders go by. It’s not a bad part of town or a nice part of town, it’s just a Coruscanti skyline. You’re holding boba teas in one hand and a pizza cone in the other, including HK, and you’re watching speeders go by. It’s probably 2 AM at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s a red one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, I see a blue one go by.

LILIT: Xianna’s just eating the pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, when you eat or drink where does it go?

NICK (as HK): I do not eat or drink… except for the blood of my enemies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I thought HK was just holding the extra pizza cone and boba tea for Xianna.

NICK (as HK): I was told to. I can smash it against my faceplate if you would prefer.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t, HK. I’m going to eat that one. You know I could not decide between the spicy pepperoni and the mac and cheese.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Which really isn’t a pizza cone at that point. It’s just mac and cheese in a cone.

HUDSON: I look up into the night sky and I just like under my breath say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Burning out his fuse out there alone~

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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