Transcript: S2 Episode 17 Reading Rainbow
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 17:
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.
This episode features a patron-created NPC. Jenner the Harch was provided by Joshua Winter. Thank you again, Joshua, for your support, and we had a lot of fun playing with Jenner in this episode.
A reminder that if you want to submit an NPC for the squad to meet, that option is available at the $10 a month and up level on our Patreon. Thank you to everyone for your support of the show.
Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.
So now, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 17 of Season 2! All the signs are pointing to this being a wonderful season, and we’re glad you’re here with us along for the ride. Everybody, let’s go around the table and say who you are, who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we met up let me know, starting with Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I am breaking from tradition and actually hoarding my experience points this time.
NICK: Oh~ You got your eyes set on something shiny and new?
CAMERON: Oh yeah. And expensive.
NICK: Great. Up next we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I used 20 of my experience points to go up to Level 3 in Negotiation.
NICK: Hey! Good idea. You got grand plans for that?
HUDSON: Yeah, I feel like I’m gonna be the top negotiator of the squad here in a couple more ranks.
NICK: Okay. [laughs] Sounds good. Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.
LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought additional ranks in Charm and Gunnery.
NICK: Hey! Gunnery, there’s a thought, and Charm. What does that bring you to, like 4 in Charm?
LILIT: No, actually only a 3 in Charm.
NICK: That’s a lot still.
LILIT: I have 4s in Skulduggery and Stealth.
NICK: Nice. Well wonderful. Before we get started with the recap let’s do the Destiny Roll~!
CAMERON: One dark side.
LILIT: One dark side.
HUDSON: One light side!
CAMERON: [weakly] Yay.
NICK: So when we last left off you all had seized a mysterious Force artifact from a small moon in the Typhonic Nebula, cleverly avoiding many traps and puzzles and instead going straight to the end and getting the prize. The last we saw was you all leaving the planet and flying off into the nebula, and I think we pick up as you are exiting the nebula.
You did dash through some small wreckage of some ships along the way that you had interacted with before you made it to your prize in the first place, and you don’t see any apparent survivors or see any distress signals.
We zoom in on the cockpit of the Afternoon Delight as the three of you are clustered over the instrument panel and Karma is trying to pick her next destination. Where are you going to go? You have this unidentified object and you need to figure out what it is and you need to figure out where to go next.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. How many of these things do we got left to get?
CAMERON (as Karma): Six more, right? Sentinel said it was seven.
HUDSON (as Tink): That makes… That makes sense. Okay, so we have six more to go. What if we surprise Sentinel and just get all of them before our next appointment with him?
LILIT (as Xianna): I would like to point out the issue that we don’t know what most of them are or where to find them.
CAMERON (as Karma): If you had told me I was looking for a Force artifact I probably would not have picked up this blue snow globe.
HUDSON (as Tink): True. I guess we’ll need a couple hints.
CAMERON (as Karma): It’s just not super exciting looking. It’s pretty.
LILIT (as Xianna): Do we know anyone who is an expert on Force things? I mean, I guess Sentinel.
CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Sentinel.
LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel will know how to locate the rest, or he can use the Force to, I don’t know, connect to the other ones using this one? I don’t know.
HUDSON (as Tink): The Force isn’t used for everything, Xianna. You can only use it for a certain number of things like getting discounts off your pancakes at Space Denny’s for instance.
CAMERON (as Karma): No?
LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think you can use it for anything, because like the Force is in anything, or is everywhere.
CAMERON (as Karma): And if we’re thinking of things that the Force can do, I would think that tracking Force artifacts would seem to fall into the category. That would make sense.
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh no! Are we gonna have to go to a library and do research? Because libraries always get upset when I try to bring snacks in.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, because it’s a library.
LILIT (as Xianna): I know. They’re like “you are going to spill your snacks all over the holocrons,” and I’m like but what if I don’t? What if I eat my snack at the table?
HUDSON (as Tink): Not good enough. That’s how you get ants. Do you want ants?
LILIT (as Xianna): No.
CAMERON (as Karma): See, I’m actually with Xianna on this one. If you’re gonna be sitting in the library for that long you need snacks.
LILIT (as Xianna): They should make a snack area where you can sit and eat your snack, and then once you are done with your snack you can go back to the holocrons and books or whatever we are calling them these days.
CAMERON: You know, those things you use for research, in libraries. Those things.
HUDSON (as Tink): I think we should do some research and then surprise Sentinel with what we found to show that we have initiative and we can get gold stars on our report.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Does anybody have a valid library card? Because mine do not work anymore.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I do. I go there to anonymously do things that are usually malicious on the holonet.
LILIT (as Xianna): But you have a library card.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes. I have to have one to use the computers there anonymously.
CAMERON (as Karma): Anonymously?
LILIT (as Xianna): But is it under a fake name or a real name?
HUDSON (as Tink): It was actually, through a big mishap, a combination.
LILIT (as Xianna): How is that possible?
HUDSON (as Tink): It says Minx Rallltinkraatakat, so my last name is on there.
LILIT (as Xianna): I would argue that is maybe a fake name.
HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, okay. Well call me Minx if we’re there.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because that is the problem is that my library card is from Ryloth and it has my real name on it.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.
LILIT (as Xianna): Which I can’t use because it comes up as me being dead in the system, and they are like “ma’am, you can’t use this card, you are dead.”
LILIT (as Xianna): And then I’m like but I am not dead, clearly I am here, and then they threaten to call the cops on me.
[smooth jizz begins]
HUDSON (as Tink): So, I have a question. Are all of the interplanetary library systems connected through like a master system? Because that takes a lot of organization throughout all of these intergalactic wars and stuff.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you can go to the Empire-run libraries and those ones are all interconnected, they have like a centralized database, or you can go to the planetary ones which are centralized for the planet, or you can go to your local library.
HUDSON (as Tink): Wow! So many options to learn and explore!
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.
CAMERON (as Karma): If you’re wanting to get something quickly I’d recommend not using the Empire ones, because they tend to have a really long hold on all of the things that you would actually want to read.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and your local library can usually order books for you.
HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. We don’t have time for that. let’s go to the planetary ones.
LILIT (as Xianna): They also sometimes have holo dramas and movies and stuff too, not just the books and holocrons.
CAMERON (as Karma): And story times and other activities.
LILIT (as Xianna): Which they don’t let you bring your fucking snacks in!
CAMERON (as Karma): That’s true.
NICK: This episode brought to you by your local library.
HUDSON: And viewers like you~
CAMERON: We pull up Space Google maps. “Libraries near me,” Search.
NICK: You’re in the Outer Rim right now.
LILIT: I have Outer Rim intelligence. I could roll to find the library. [laughs]
NICK: Yeah! [smiling] Roll to find a god damn library.
LILIT: Okay fine, I’m rolling to find a god damn library!
LILIT: I mean, I don’t think I have anything that’s gonna…
HUDSON: Yeah, you don’t—Why would you need help?
LILIT: Why would I have anything that would help this? I mean, I would say this is an easy check, right?
NICK: Yeah, it’s a library. [laughs]
LILIT: That is one success and one advantage.
NICK: Great. Good job. You find a library.
LILIT: But on what planet?!
NICK: I’m googling Outer Rim planets.
LILIT: Is Lothal an Outer Rim planet or is that Mid Rim?
NICK: Lothal is an Outer Rim planet. Do you guys wanna go to Lothal?
LILIT: We can go to Lothal.
HUDSON: Let’s go to Lothal.
HUDSON (as Tink): To the library!
HUDSON: [does the Batman jingle] And then the screen spins like an old Batman cartoon.
[smooth jizz ends]
NICK: Okay. Xianna, looking over at the astro-maps as Karma is paging through, asking where you all need to go, you see that you’re not that far from an Outer Rim planet called Lothal. I don’t know if that’s a planet you’ve been to before, but it’s a fairly well-known one. You know that’s where loth-rats come from, and Creamsicle seems pretty cool, so why wouldn’t you go there? It does have an Empire presence but not overly strong. You think you should be okay.
LILIT: Xianna points at Lothal on the map.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, this one! I have not gotten kicked out of this library yet, so they won’t have my photo up. Also, it is where Creamsicle is from~
CAMERON (as Karma): The libraries are putting your photo up?!
LILIT (as Xianna): Well yes, because if you get kicked out of a library, like formally kicked out, they do keep a photo of you in their database of people who are not allowed back in.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. That’s shockingly never happened to me. I know we’re all shocked.
LILIT (as Xianna): They take your library card and they cut it up in front of you.
HUDSON: Under his breath Tink starts singing.
HUDSON (as Tink): Because I want Lothal or nothing at all~
NICK: Karma hits the hyperspace lever and you all snap into the blue tunnel as the stars stretch around you. After a quick cloth swipe we see you all coming into Lothal’s orbit and then we see the ship coming down to a gentle landing. Lothal is a desert-looking planet. It has some scrub brush, but it’s pretty arid, and you set down in one of the larger cities which is called…
So apparently the three major cities in Lothal are Jalath, Kothal, and Capital City.
CAMERON: I wanna go to Capital City!
HUDSON: I wanna go to Capital City too.
NICK: So as you are entering the atmosphere you see that there are several different population centers that are reasonably large where you could find a well-equipped library, and you choose Capital City as the one that you head to. We see the ship landing and we get a quick montage of you all hopping off of the ship and jumping into a speeder and riding through the city and navigating your way through. We come to you all standing in front of the Capital City library. Each of y’all provide a detail of what this library looks like.
CAMERON: Ooh. On either side of the doors there are giant loth-cats made out of stone.
NICK: Nice. Big old statues.
NICK: They look worn and slightly damaged by industrial pollution, but they’re still quite majestic.
CAMERON: Very majestic.
LILIT: I am adding less of a building detail and more of a scene-setting detail in that Xianna does have a clear backpack on that is housing Creamsicle.
NICK: Okay. [chuckles]
LILIT: And it does have one of those little tiny drip water bottles and a tiny little spinny wheel, for Creamsicle to run around in, in the backpack.
NICK: That is adorable. Creamsicle has her paws up on the outside of the backpack and is looking out very excitedly at everything as it goes by. You realize she hasn’t been out of the ship very much since you found her except for an errant tea party and a couple of other small things, so this is a big adventure for her.
HUDSON: So right outside the library there’s a person with a picket sign and they’re trying to organize a holocron burning, or holocron destruction party, for books that they don’t agree with.
NICK: Huh… wonderful. [chuckles]
LILIT: We kick them!
HUDSON: We kick them on the way in.
NICK: They’re just very aggressive and dour looking people who are yelling about certain books that the library have, and they’re being vastly ignored by the population as people go by. They seem rather ineffective and small-minded.
So, you head past the holocron burners and up into this library. It looks a lot nicer on the outside than it does on the inside. Whereas the outside of the building looks to be stone and a very venerable building and have intricate carvings on the outside and statues, the inside is very industrial. It’s a plain open room.
There’s a large semi-circular desk as you walk in that appears to have somebody standing behind it greeting visitors. The library’s pretty much empty. There’s a row of terminals for research in the holonet, and there’s shelves and shelves of books just heading straight back into this large square room. The lights further back are off and appear to turn on as people get closer to them, like motion sensor lights to save energy.
HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, all the world’s knowledge in one building.
LILIT (as Xianna): No…
CAMERON (as Karma): All the world’s knowledge?
LILIT (as Xianna): No.
HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, there was a lot wrong with that statement.
CAMERON (as Karma): This probably spans multiple worlds.
HUDSON (as Tink): All of the universe’s knowledge in one building.
LILIT (as Xianna): No.
CAMERON (as Karma): And probably not that much. Somewhere in the middle.
NICK: As you all are standing there the being that is behind this librarian counter gestures with one of his arms to wave you over. You see that this person, as you get closer, is a Harch. A Harch is like a large anthropomorphic spider, and the one in front of you has dark gray fur and black streaks in the fur with green eyes and is wearing kind of a Coruscant-y business robe with multiple layers draped. You can see that it has six arms and two legs and some large mandibles but looks very friendly and is wearing thick six-lensed glasses that cover each of its eyes. While he looks to be a little disheveled and his robes aren’t perfectly neat or anything, he does look very friendly as he waves at you.
NICK (as Jenner): Well hello there, everybody. If you could please come in out of the doorway. We don’t want to let the atmosphere out.
CAMERON: Karma walks further into the library.
NICK: This spider person gestures widely.
NICK (as Jenner): Welcome to my library. It’s so nice to have you here. You know, the protestors outside have just really ruined things for everybody.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, they didn’t bother me too much. I just ignored it.
NICK (as Jenner): Probably the best, probably the best, but not everybody is interested. I am Librarian Jenner. Nice to meet you. What brings you to this fine repository of knowledge?
HUDSON (as Tink): Well we’re on a mission from our Je—I mean, um…
NICK (as Jenner): I’m sorry, from your what?
HUDSON (as Tink): From our Je—Um… J-Jebediah, our friend, sent us to look up some stuff.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I see. That seems very fluid and not covering for any sort of misspeak at all. Thank you for speaking so openly with me. I do appreciate that.
HUDSON (as Tink): [stumbling] You’re welcome.
NICK (as Jenner): And what knowledge can I help you seek on this fine day? Well first of all, do you have a library card? It’s extremely important that you have your library card.
HUDSON (as Tink): Got one right here.
NICK (as Jenner): Ah, Minx Rallltinkraatakat. Nice. Thank you for coming back to the Outer Rim Library System. Always a pleasure, always a pleasure. This photo doesn’t look like you.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I was in a terrible accident. I look ugly as shit now.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink, you look beautiful now.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, thanks.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, I know all about being an awkward adolescent. It’s alright with me. I used to be an egg, you know. [chuckles enthusiastically and sighs contently]
CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles awkwardly]
CAMERON: Karma looks kind of uncomfortable but laughs politely.
NICK (as Jenner): So, you are here ,and you are here looking for books. What can I help you find? We’ve got holocrons. We’ve got the holonet. We’ve got books, apparently.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so—
LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Can we just like peruse?
NICK (as Jenner): Oh!
LILIT (as Xianna): You know, look. Not that we do not want your help, it is just that we are very antisocial and very introverted and shy.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh yes, of course, of course. My apologies. It’s just been so long since anyone’s come in to visit.
NICK: You can see that he’s nudging something kind of under the desk, and you can’t see exactly what he’s doing back there but he seems to be messing with something with his bottom two sets of arms.
NICK (as Jenner): But yes, please take all the time that you need. Look around. If you have any questions or you’re looking for anything specifically I’ll be right here.
HUDSON (as Tink): One thing I want to get a lead on, since there’s just so much to look for… What’s happening is, with Jebediah, they’re wanting us to do research because we’re playing this tabletop game with them about intergalactic space wars…
HUDSON (as Tink): …and we’re looking for Jedi Force artifact information to make the game real realistic, you know?
NICK: Roll me a Deception check.
CAMERON: Oh my goodness.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, you’re playing Edge of the Empire. That’s one of my favorite pastimes.
HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?
HUDSON: A triumph with a success and two additional successes.
NICK: Jesus. I’m upset.
HUDSON: Now they wanna join our game. [laughs]
NICK: No. [laughs] Is there something you want to use that triumph on that springs to mind?
HUDSON: Someone had just returned a ton of books on Jedi artifacts that’s in a stack right beside him.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh! Wonderful. Yes. Are you playing Edge of the Empire or Age of Rebellion?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… it’s Edge of the Empire.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, Edge of the Empire. You know, the newer rules do have a little bit more depth to them, there are some more options, but I find that the proprietary dice system does make for better storytelling and tactical combat. God-awful space combat though. Just, whatever you do, don’t fight in space if you can avoid it. It’s not good. But yes, if you’re looking for real Jedi artifacts, someone just recently returned books for the same reason. Here’s a pile right here.
NICK: He taps at a large pile of ancient and dusty tomes.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, this is perfect. Thank you. I guess we’ll be taking those and going and doing some research. Thanks Kenner, Jenner… Jen? Ken?
NICK (as Jenner): Jenner. My name is Jenner.
HUDSON (as Tink): Jenner! Jenner, got it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Where are the books about animals?
NICK (as Jenner): There’s lots of books about animals. Are you looking for care or…?
LILIT (as Xianna): Are you implying that most of this library is books about animals?
NICK (as Jenner): Well, arguably the only interesting thing about Lothal is the strange fauna that they have here, so…
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine! Nerd. I am looking for books on loth-rats and like their care and maintenance and what kind of food is best for them and all of that.
NICK (as Jenner): Well, that would be 590 on the Dianoga Decimal System, Zoological Sciences. You’ll find it on the back row near the windows.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, thankyou~
CAMERON (as Karma): Can you point me in the direction of the romance novels?
NICK (as Jenner): Yes. We don’t have a lot of fiction since the Empire moved in a decade ago. They’ve been mostly focused on the scientific works, it’s hard to get the budget for entertainment, but what fiction we do have is alpha-by-author over against that wall over there. Thank you.
CAMERON (as Karma): Fabulous. Thank you.
NICK: You’ll notice that he’s been pointing with each of his individual arms in different directions and then holding it, so now he kinda looks like one of those which-way signs. You all are able to wander off into the library leaving Jenner the Harch over by the desk. Tink, as you walk by, you notice he seems to be actively trying to hold something heavy under the desk out of sight, but you don’t think too much about it. You are able to do some research~
NICK: Anybody who wants to, make me an Education roll.
HUDSON: I’ll do it.
CAMERON: [sighs] I mean, there’s multiple books, we can all try.
LILIT: What about a Skulduggery check?
NICK: Are… Are you casing the library?
LILIT: Sure, why not?
LILIT: And in casing the library I might, you know, notice things like the Decimal system and what books are where, and all of the exits, and in doing so maybe figure out where to look.
NICK: Sure, a hard Skulduggery check, average Education check from everybody else.
CAMERON: Two successes for Karma.
HUDSON: Two failures and an advantage.
NICK: Were you looking at the romance novels, karma, or were you looking…?
CAMERON: Well so, Karma was over at the fiction section, grabbed several romance novels that had sexily clad people on the front in the typical dramatic poses, and then walks over to the table that Tink had set the Force books down at. She just sets the romance novels to the side, because she’s just gonna check those out later, and then opens up one of the Force books.
LILIT: I got one success and one advantage.
NICK: Awesome. So Tink, you’re pouring through these books looking for information on the Shattered Force items, and you’re not getting a lot of the information that you had hoped to. Turns out most of the things that you were handed were rulebooks for some sort of tabletop game, so like, the lore isn’t super accurate but you know exactly what the stats for everything are which is kinda fun.
HUDSON: [intrigued] Hmm.
NICK: Karma, you do actually manage to find a book that’s more based on history and you find some interesting information, but Xianna, Skulduggery-ing your way around the library, you do notice that there are several exits. You notice that this building has a lot less security cameras than the last library that you were in, being in prison at the time, and one thing that you notice that’s a little weird is that Jenner sounded really confident about the Dianoga Decimal System and where the books were, and you notice that the Zoological Sciences shelf is not where he pointed. It’s on like an entirely different part of the library.
You were able to find it, but his directions have just been incorrect. Seems kind of weird. Not sure what purpose he would be able to serve by just sending you to the wrong area, but you are able to find several good books about loth-rat care and snacks that make loth-rats happy and the like.
LILIT: Is everyone like at a table?
LILIT: Xianna comes back with a huge stack of books, sets them down, and then starts opening them up, and with a little lock picking tool starts finding where the little security bar codes are and starts prying them out…
LILIT: …and then, some of the books that seem the most interesting, putting them into pockets of the coat.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, in case we need them, these are where the exits are…
LILIT: And points over to the exits, much in a flight attendant fashion.
LILIT (as Xianna): …and oh, by the way, I think that librarian is not a real librarian. Maybe he killed the real librarian and took his place, but something’s wrong with that.
CAMERON (as Karma): What? Why?
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, he did not know where anything was. He pointed us in the wrong direction in case nobody else noticed that.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. The romance books were where he said they were, but there is a giant sign above it that says fiction, so… that one may have been easy.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. There is something weird going on.
HUDSON: I pick up Karma’s book.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, Tad Talmoth, the Torrid Tale on Tatooine. Good one.
NICK: Good ass alliteration! As Tink is looking through the romance novel and Xianna is giving that information, Karma, you’re digging through this book and you find some specialized knowledge. You actually find descriptions of the Shattered Force specifically with little descriptions and drawings and a little more information. It’s very much mythologically based, it’s not scientifically done, but it’s enough that you get a better inkling for what you’re dealing with. As you’re turning through the pages you notice a hand-drawn sketch on one of the pages of that blue orb. Did you bring that with you or is it still on the ship?
CAMERON: Probably still on the ship.
NICK: Okay. It’s described as the Spirit Breaker. Supposedly it gives people unmatched vitality in connection to their own internal health but that it separates people from the spiritual world, whatever the heck that means. You now know what that one is called. On other pages you see hand-drawn pictures of other items, some of which look familiar to you, some of which you haven’t seen before.
You see a stone tablet that looks like it’s got some technology sunk into it and it’s called the Stone Breaker, which seems familiar to you. You see a red crystal set into a little tiara thing called the Sight Breaker. You can see a long yellow crystal rod that they call the Space Breaker, and that looks kind of familiar, and then a large stone staff that looks to be about as tall as a person is and it’s called the Bone Breaker, and you see these gold and blue flowing robes called the Heart Breaker which you know you were sent after before. Then, the last artifact says that very little is known about it, but it’s the one that ties them all together.
You search through these books for about an hour and that information I gave you is kind of a summary of what you are able to glean from it. A lot of it is very vague, but some of these items look very familiar to you. They are things that you’ve crossed paths with before, and you may actually have some ideas on where some of them are.
CAMERON: So, as Karma is flipping through all of the books, she’s taking a picture with her data pad any time there’s a page that has useful information on it so that we can look back later and don’t have to remember all of this.
LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, Karma, we can just steal that book. This is an Empire-run library, so like, it’s okay to steal the books.
CAMERON (as Karma): But now I also have a digital copy.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, but then we can have a physical one to look through.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but then I don’t have to carry the book around with me all the time.
LILIT (as Xianna): But we could have that for reference on the ship.
CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we can do both.
LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just saying, you should never steal books from your local libraries, but if it is an Empire-run library it is totally okay.
HUDSON (as Tink): I prefer the physical feel of books rather than just the weird holocron stuff. There’s just a difference. The smell, the texture, the flipping the pages between your fingers, it’s unlike anything else.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I like using them to hide drugs.
HUDSON (as Tink): There’s that too.
CAMERON (as Karma): Wow! Those are two very different use cases.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well because if you have like a shelf in your room full of books most people don’t just pick up the books and start flipping through them, or if they do they pick up the cool-looking books, so you fill your bookshelf with a bunch of sad boring books and then nobody looks through those, and those are the ones where you hide drugs.
HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Or money, or whatever you want to hide.
CAMERON: Karma has been continuing to take photos as this happens.
CAMERON (as Karma): So… I found a lot in this book. I think we should take it. It seems useful. I feel like there’s a lot more information that we could have been told when we were given this job based on the things that I am reading in this book. There should have been more information available to Sentinel during that powerpoint presentation and I’m not quite sure why there wasn’t.
LILIT (as Xianna): Sentinel’s presentation was very bad outside of the transitions and stuff.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, A+ animations, it was very well put together, just the content I think… Do y’all remember our audition for all of this stuff?
HUDSON (as Tink): In the beginning?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, way back in the beginning.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I stole that little gray box carton thing that had the weird creature that, you know, helped destroy that, uh… destroyer. Yeah, it destroyed the destroyer.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, not quite that far back, so not from our individual auditions but the first little baby job we got when we had to go see Falx.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. Yeah, we had to rescue some stormtroopers or bring them back and then we didn’t, and we let them go frolic or whatever, and there were the trees.
CAMERON (as Karma): The reason that we were there, though, was because Sentinel had sent us to pick up this.
CAMERON: Karma points at a page, and it has a picture of the Stone Breaker.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, the Stone Breaker! Why did you not say so?
NICK: There’s a dramatic swell of music as the camera zooms in on the drawing of the artifact.
CAMERON (as Karma): So… that’s obviously one thing that Sentinel obviously knows about, and could have told us about, and is apparently part of this Shattered Force thing. Also…
CAMERON: Flips a few pages, points.
CAMERON (as Karma): …your dildo is in here!
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] The yellow dildo! Yes. Oh fuck… uh, I did fence that to Nolaa. I’m going to have to call her and see if she has sold it yet. That will be awkward.
CAMERON (as Karma): That’s at least, like… We at least know now a path towards finding it again even if she has sold it already.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean yeah, and if she has sold it we will know who has bought it and then we can go steal it from them.
CAMERON (as Karma): Or acquire it in some other fashion. Yeah, we can go and retrieve the item.
LILIT (as Xianna): We would have to pay for it, and I don’t want to spend my credits on that.
HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe Sentinel didn’t give us all the information because he pulled up the wrong version of the powerpoint slides and just didn’t realize it.
CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh. Do you think he pulled up like a draft and hadn’t put in all the information yet?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yep, that has to be what it is. It’s not like he wouldn’t trust us.
CAMERON (as Karma): But I… But… But I feel like if you’re giving a presentation and it’s, like, you’re realizing that not all your slides are there, you continue presenting the information even if you no longer have the visuals to go along with it.
LILIT (as Xianna): I think some people just read off every single thing in the powerpoint and forget that you can just use it as a guide.
CAMERON (as Karma): But like, he didn’t really have words in his powerpoint. It was like all pictures and then the transitions.
LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe Sentinel is just really bad at presentations.
HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what it is.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, do you think that is something they teach you in Jedi school?
CAMERON (as Karma): I can’t see how often it would come up and be necessary.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I feel like most of what they teach them is just fighting, so why would they teach them how to do powerpoint presentations?
CAMERON (as Karma): Power is bad, right? That’s a Sith thing? So they wouldn’t do powerpoint presentations.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, they would use Google Slides.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, Google Slides.
LILIT (as Xianna): You’re right, you are right.
CAMERON (as Karma): But also…
CAMERON: Flips a few more pages.
CAMERON (as Karma): …the Heart Breaker robe looked very different before they got their hands on it for that fashion show.
CAMERON: And like holds up the book and shows the yellow and blue actual full costume.
LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think we should go try to find the scrap fabric, assuming they kept it, or do we go find the thong?
CAMERON (as Karma): Sentinel said that the thong would be enough.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.
CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’re gonna have more success tracking down Illith than…
LILIT (as Xianna): Would we though? Would we?
CAMERON (as Karma): So we just, we need to put out a search and just have it ping us whenever a new fashion show is announced.
LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] I know what we will do, but we will need many, many months of planning, so maybe we should do the other ones first. We throw a magnificent masquerade ball and they will not be able to say no to that, and we send them an invitation, and they will be so curious that they will go to the masquerade ball, and then we can steal it from them there. Or, alternatively, we invite them mysteriously to a winter lodge in the dead of winter on some planet and we have somebody tell all these people that they have been invited by a singular person, and then we do a murder mystery party!
CAMERON (as Karma): What does that have to do with the thong?
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well we say that we like have blackmail on them and they need to bring the thong to the winter lodge and that all will be revealed there.
CAMERON (as Karma): Is all getting revealed because they’re taking the thong off?
LILIT (as Xianna): And then we have to like create weather conditions that like avalanche and trap us into the building and then we kill somebody…
CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, what?
LILIT (as Xianna): …and we have a murder mystery!
HUDSON (as Tink): Are you on, uh, drugs?
LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe, but like, mind your own business.
CAMERON (as Karma): I just feel like the whole murder mystery thing is complicating it a little bit.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will do the masquerade ball.
CAMERON (as Karma): Having a large party where we weren’t being framed for murder would be fun.
LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t guarantee that they would bring the thong to the masquerade, but—
HUDSON (as Tink): We can make it thong themed.
CAMERON (as Karma): [splutters] What?!
LILIT (as Xianna): Nooo.
CAMERON (as Karma): Your costume, only thongs, and masks.
LILIT (as Xianna): We could kidnap them there, or bribe them, or just offer money. I’m not entirely sure how we would get the thong from the masquerade. I think I just more wanted to do the masquerade. But I still feel like the murder mystery one has a good base to it.
CAMERON (as Karma): I think the big thing is just getting us in contact with Illith, so the masquerade’s sole purpose could be to just attract their attention and get them to come to our party.
LILIT (as Xianna): We could also invite Falx and then stab him.
CAMERON (as Karma): Why?! Why?
LILIT (as Xianna): To get him in one spot, and then we stab and we frame Illith.
CAMERON (as Karma): WHY?!
LILIT (as Xianna): Because they stole from me!
CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] But…
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we won’t do that. We will just use it as an excuse to get Illith onto a planet so that we know where they are and then we can go, like, sneak onto their ship and steal the “Heart Breaker robe.”
CAMERON (as Karma): Or we could just talk to them.
LILIT (as Xianna): Do you not remember what happened last time?
CAMERON (as Karma): We just have to find a more fabulous thong to trade with it, like something more fashionable than it to convince Illith to trade with us.
LILIT (as Xianna): If the fashion was why they stole it. I think it was because it has magical effects.
CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure it was just the fashion aspect of it judging by what else they purchased at the auction.
LILIT (as Xianna): If you say so. Anyways, I feel like we should maybe deal with the Stone Breaker and the yellow dildo first.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.
HUDSON (as Tink): Agreed.
NICK: So where do y’all wanna go? What’s your plan?
LILIT: Space-wise, are we closer to wherever Nolaa currently is? Well, I guess they wouldn’t be on Ithor anymore, probably, because the herdship got blown up.
CAMERON: Yeah, but if it was on the herdship when it went down then it’s probably in the crash site.
NICK: Yeah, it’s probably lost in the jungle somewhere.
LILIT: Oh, okay. So are we closer to Ithor or wherever Nolaa is currently staying?
NICK: So, I’m gonna answer that…
LILIT: With a riddle! [giggles]
NICK: [laughs] Space is a joke. Ithor is several days closer.
CAMERON: Karma slides the Force book over to Xianna to remove the tracking tag.
LILIT: Yeah, Xianna pops out the little security tag and slides that book into somewhere on the coat.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Also, if we want to do something fun we can figure out why the librarian is so shifty. My theory is that they killed the real librarian and hid the body somewhere.
HUDSON (as Tink): I think they’re a spy and they’re being told to watch out for us.
LILIT (as Xianna): I have maybe just been listening to too many true crime holocasts.
NICK: So, as you are packing up your gear and talking quietly amongst yourselves you can see that Jenner is pressed up against the desk and has been idly typing on one of the holo pads sunk into the desk with a couple of his hands and appears to be looking around the library quite rapidly. You surprise him a little bit as you get close.
NICK (as Jenner): So! Ah, you’re back. Hopefully you were able to find everything that you needed.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!
LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. Yes. Thank you for your assistance.
CAMERON: Karma slides over the three romance novels and points to Tink.
CAMERON (as Karma): He’s gonna check these out.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m gonna check these out.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, wonderful, yes. If I could just see your library card again… thank you, and I’ll just log into this computer.
LILIT: And when Tink hands over his library card, Xianna pretends to trip and bumps into Tink so that the library card falls on the floor on the other side of the desk.
LILIT: Which would give Xianna an opening to look behind the desk.
LILIT: What would that be?
NICK: Skulduggery. That’s very much a Skulduggery thing.
NICK: We’ll say it’s average though, because I feel like making Tink drop something is probably not that hard.
LILIT: That is five successes and three advantages.
NICK: Yeah, just describe it. You get to do whatever you want. You are very good at this.
LILIT: Yes. As Tink begins to hold out his card, Xianna is going to pretend reach for a pen. I’m imagining it is a little desk that has an upper portion and then there is a lowered portion behind it.
LILIT: Yeah. So Xianna reaches for a pen on this top portion and then suddenly trips into Tink…
HUDSON (as Tink): Watch it! Whoa!
LILIT: …slamming her arm down on top of his and sliding a little bit, causing the card to tumble out of his hand and land on the floor behind the desk.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, Tink! I am so sorry! I was just trying to get a pen so I could write a note, a reminder for myself for later.
HUDSON (as Tink): Over here being a clumsy Catherine. Alright, whatever.
LILIT (as Xianna): I am. I’m so sorry. You know me, I am very clumsy and not coordinated at all. It is a well-known trait of mine.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay~
LILIT (as Xianna): And my name is indeed Catherine.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yes.
LILIT (as Xianna): It is not a traditional Twi’lek name, but as you well know I grew up on an Inner Rim planet of Coruscant and, you know, my parents picked a more traditional Human name.
HUDSON (as Tink): What a backstory!
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.
NICK (as Jenner): Well, no problem, let me just lean over here and get that library card for you.
LILIT: As he is leaning over, Xianna wants to hoist herself up a little bit over the top rim of the desk and take a peek behind it and underneath and see what is going on back there.
NICK: With how successful you’ve been, there is a Human kind of curled up. They don’t look dead, there’s no blood or anything, but there’s a Human just kind of shoved unceremoniously under the desk.
LILIT: [laughs] Xianna just still hoisted and propped up goes:
LILIT (as Xianna): Ah-ha! See, I told you!
HUDSON (as Tink): What did you see? What do you see?
LILIT (as Xianna): No, I told you, that the real librarian is underneath the desk being propped up.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh… how were you so smooth and then just immediately said out loud the thing you were trying to decide?
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, it is okay, we are stealing from the library anyways.
LILIT (as Xianna): So like, I just say we do a fun little trade and, you know, we don’t do anything about this dead body and then you don’t do anything about us, and we just go on our separate ways.
NICK (as Jenner): Well, he’s not dead, at least I don’t think so.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, unconscious body.
NICK: You can see that four of Jenner’s arms were reaching into his robe, clearly for hold out blasters, and then slowly come back out.
NICK (as Jenner): Yes, perhaps we could work something out. I’m here fighting the good fight, you see, trying to take down the Empire. If you’re stealing from an Empire library then surely you could relate to that. What do we say you take these books and neither of us ever saw each other? How does that sound?
LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds great. Thank you.
HUDSON (as Tink): But I’m seeing you right now.
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Oh my goodness. I will explain what he means later.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.
NICK (as Jenner): Well, as long as there are no follow-up questions as to what my plan is, may you all have a lovely day.
LILIT: Xianna gives a jaunty little salute.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, have a great day and may the Force be with you or whatever. Goodbye!
CAMERON: [laughing] Karma picks up her romance novels and turns and leaves.
NICK: Yeah. As you’re turning to go, Jenner raises a hand.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh, one more thing. One more thing, friends, if you could stop before you exit.
CAMERON: I turn around.
HUDSON: I turn around.
LILIT: Xianna turns around, hands are in pockets, just in case.
NICK (as Jenner): Minx, you forgot your library card.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… thank you. Place it on the table.
NICK (as Jenner): Oh… okay.
NICK: He sets it down on the table and puts his hands back slowly.
NICK (as Jenner): You just don’t want any… evidence that you were here, right? That would be bad, considering you’re stealing from the Empire.
HUDSON (as Tink): That is if my name is really Minx.
NICK (as Jenner): Ah, I see. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, I see what you’re saying.
LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I took out all the security bars from all the books, so like… what are they going to do? They can’t track them now.
NICK (as Jenner): Well yes, but… just take your card please and go away. I’m doing very important business here.
LILIT (as Xianna): So are we!
NICK (as Jenner): Wonderful! Wonderful! I hope you enjoy your Edge of the Empire game with all your Jedi research.
LILIT (as Xianna): You understand that was a cover that we made up, right?
LILIT (as Xianna): Like, did you hear him? That was so poorly rehearsed. It was obviously fake, and I will have to have a long talk with him later about how to come up with better backstories.
HUDSON (as Tink): Who even plays Edge of the Empire?
LILIT (as Xianna): Nobody! It is a game for nerds! Do we look like nerds to you?!
NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.
If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.
Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.