Transcript: S2 Episode 20- Popsicle Delights
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 20:
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.
When this episode releases, the state we live in, Texas, will still be experiencing the effects of a once in a generation winter storm that has devastated many. Millions of people are without power, running water, or any way to heat their homes. In the show notes will be links to various mutual aid networks that are doing what they can to help. Please consider donating if you can.
Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.
Now, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 20, a thrilling jaunt through the stars that everyone enjoys and nothing ever goes wrong. I am your host and game master, Nick. Welcome back. Let’s all go around the table and everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we met up go ahead and let the audience know what you spent that on, starting with Hudson.
HUDSON: Hello! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to say I just appreciate all our listeners out there. I think you’re looking great and doing great.
HUDSON: And if you smash that Like button then you get an extra greeting with every episode.
HUDSON: Y’all are looking really, really good right now. Sexy as hell.
LILIT: Hudson, I regret to inform you that we are not a YouTube channel.
HUDSON: [disappointed] Ohh…
CAMERON: Remember to hit that bell.
LILIT: You don’t have to hit the bell.
NICK: I hit a bell, though. What did that do?
LILIT: You can’t comment below.
HUDSON: You turned off comments, Nick.
NICK: I mean, not a bad idea most of the time.
LILIT: You didn’t turn off comments, you turned off notifications.
HUDSON: Ah, you did, yep.
LILIT: So you won’t get notified every time we release a new episode. [laughs]
HUDSON: Yeah. You can sign up for our, like, mail service. Every time we release a new episode we actually have this letter service where we hand-write letters and send them out to everybody who signed up.
CAMERON: Oh my gosh.
NICK: This is not true.
LILIT: Hudson, you’re gonna get us in trouble.
NICK: Thank you, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Lilit.
LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.
NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some experience points. I bought another rank of Feral Strength on my Marauder talent tree.
NICK: Well, before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~
CAMERON: One dark side.
LILIT: One dark side.
HUDSON: One dark side.
LILIT: Aw, we’re triplets today.
NICK: Aww. Well, when we last left off…
[light and groovy explorer’s type music begins]
You had provoked a malsoom to leave its nest and attack you, managed to kill it without really getting hurt very much, except for Tink, and investigated this crashed greenhouse on what was once a herdship floating above the planet of Ithor, and found your way to the Stone Breaker tablet, which is the first artifact that you ever saw at the beginning of your adventure, and have pulled it from the hands of a dead poacher in the greenhouse. That’s where we’re gonna start. You all are standing in the woods. You have a Force-sensitive item now.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay so, with this Stone Breaker tablet, I feel like it needs like a case or a cover, kind of like a tablet or phone cover. Well, tablet, there we go. So, do we get like mole skin? Leather? Do we get the magnetic one that like, you know, you close it and it magnetizes together? Does there need to be a hole for the cameras?
CAMERON (as Karma): We need to get one of the ones with the magic keyboards that just kinda magnets to it.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, like that. I mean, is there accessories? Can we get a detachable keyboard with it?
LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Can we put stickers on it?
HUDSON (as Tink): We could probably put stickers on it. Does it handle spray paint well?
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…
LILIT (as Xianna): What about under glows?
HUDSON (as Tink): Under glows on the Stone Breaker tablet. I love it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.
CAMERON (as Karma): Which side?
HUDSON (as Tink): The underside.
LILIT (as Xianna): The bottom?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I guess I’m picturing it set down on something in which case you’re kinda ruining the under glows, but I guess if you’re holding it…
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I guess you could put it on the back. Ooh! We put two little tiny, tiny little legs on the bottom, just like little buttons almost, so it’s raised up just a centimeter or two so the under glow light still spills out.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That also helps prevent it from overheating, so that’s a good one.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, that is important.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but for case, I was just gonna grab the one that we passed on the way in here that it had been in previously.
HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, that’s fine, saves us money.
CAMERON (as Karma): We can still add stickers.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! I have stickers back in my room.
NICK: As you all are having this conversation, you’re walking back through the jungle and you pass the large durasteel crate that had been cracked open, and you’re able to place it in there if you want. It is a lot bigger than the tablet itself is, but you could put it in a big box if that is something that you would like to do.
CAMERON: I’mma put it in a box.
NICK: Okay, so now you’re carrying a durasteel crate. You walk out of the greenhouse and back out into this open space past the corpse of this malsoom. Its fur has lost some of its luster since you went inside but is still iridescent and blown by the wind a little bit as you continue into the jungle.
CAMERON (as Karma): Did we have a plan for that thing?
HUDSON (as Tink): I thought the earth would just reclaim it.
CAMERON (as Karma): Eventually yeah, but I meant like, you know, more near-term.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.
CAMERON (as Karma): Like right now.
LILIT (as Xianna): I figured we would just take the whole thing and then sell it.
CAMERON (as Karma): I was thinking along those lines. I was just thinking the hide though. I wasn’t… I don’t think we can get that whole thing back to the ship, or in the ship.
NICK: We get a zoomed out shot of Xianna patting it on the hip and looking up at the multiple meters of additional height of this collapses beast, like “yeah, we’ll just carry it!”
LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured we would get some sort of hover lift and bring it back, you know? I just figured if we’re going to steal part of it we should just steal the entire thing, you know?
CAMERON (as Karma): At this point I don’t think we’re stealing it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we are, because we are here illegally, and against the wishes of the Ithorian people.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): Because you know this is their land, and you know, then we killed this creature, and yes it was trying to kill us, but at the same time we are technically poaching. So I just figured if we’re going to be illegal poachers we should just, you know, go all the way, go whole bantha.
CAMERON (as Karma): Just really lean into that.
LILIT (as Xianna): Really lean into it, because like, it feels wasteful to just take part of it. I just figured we either would leave the entire thing to be reclaimed by nature or we take the whole thing and just be full criminals.
NICK: We get a screen wipe to Karma and Xianna and Tink walking through the woods trailed by HK carrying a giant rolled-up skin that’s bigger than he is on his back. He’s tottering after you. [laughs] You have claimed what resources from the malsoom skin you could. As you continue along the trail back towards where you parked your ship, you see Meelo jump out of the woods.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh wow, you poached the hell out of that thing.
CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we told you that we were competent.
NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, but… there’s lots of competent people around, or there were, and you probably saw the results of some of their competence. They’re dead now. So the fact that it’s dead, and you’re not, and you were able to give it a haircut is pretty impressive.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well Karma did the haircut.
HUDSON (as Tink): You must have not realized, we’re the competentest.
NICK (as Meelo): Ah, the competentest. Is that some sort of special title that you earn from some sort of certification committee?
HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, it’s an organic colloquial term that people just know us by. It’s a few levels above omnipotent or impotent. You know, it just goes up the ranks.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh, competentest is like… can see and affect things throughout the galaxy through your sheer awesome.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I think that’s omnipotent though, but… ell, I’ll have to look at the words. There’s a lot of, uh, levels.
NICK (as Meelo): Well, either way, congratulations… I suppose. You’ve done it, and without my careful helping guidance I think you would have not been successful, so now it’s time to hold up your end of the deal and get me off of this rock.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You all packed?
NICK (as Meelo): I’ll be honest, I need about 20 minutes, because I thought you were going to die, so I didn’t pack up the Crate Dragon.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Well I’m kinda hurt, but we have to figure out how to get this into the ship anyway, so you probably have time.
NICK (as Meelo): Did you become wounded by the malsoom, the terrifying creature that’s haunted and hunted me for the last year?
CAMERON (as Karma): Only Tink.
NICK (as Meelo): Only Tink?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.
NICK (as Meelo): You okay there, buddy?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’ve been worse. I’ll just say that. I have definitely ben worse.
NICK: There’s a hole in your shoulder that has some venom still leaking from it with obvious points of stim packs being stuck around it to keep you moving, and Meelo looks you up and down.
NICK (as Meelo): Wow. Really? That’s, uh… I’m so sorry. That’s bad.
LILIT: Xianna gestures at Tink’s one leg.
LILIT (as Xianna): Did you not notice that the leg is replaced?
NICK (as Meelo): It’s a dangerous galaxy. People lose limbs pretty regularly. That’s not necessarily something. But people don’t get chomped on by giant poisonous monsters regularly, so if worse has happened…
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… it has happened more than you think it would.
NICK (as Meelo): Huh.
LILIT (as Xianna): At least twice.
NICK (as Meelo): Okay sure. Well, if you wanna go back to the ship and load up, I’ll pack real quick and I’ll just meet you there?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.
NICK (as Meelo): Cool. Please, please, please, please, please don’t leave me. I will be back as soon as I can.
NICK: And he sprints off into the woods.
LILIT (as Xianna): He is so concerned about us leaving him.
HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, hey, what if we—
LILIT (as Xianna): It would kind of be a little funny if we did.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was about to say, could we just do it?
CAMERON (as Karma): No. No!
LILIT (as Xianna): What if we just hide the ship for a few moments and let him think that we left?
CAMERON (as Karma): No!
LILIT (as Xianna): And then we show back up.
HUDSON (as Tink): We can get it on video, him just sitting there crying about it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Like, you ever tell your friend to ‘get in bitch’ into the speeder, and then right as they almost get in you just speed up a little bit so they can’t get in. And you just do that a few times.
CAMERON (as Karma): That is so mean!
LILIT (as Xianna): And then you let them in and then you go shopping.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… We’ll end up going shopping though, Karma. That’s how these things end.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You buy them like a smoothie or something later.
CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers] No!
NICK (as HK): This organic sent us to our presumed death. It would be applicable if we caused them emotional pain.
CAMERON (as Karma): HK, no.
LILIT (as Xianna): or we just make him sleep in Sabos’s room.
HUDSON (as Tink): HK gets it, like—Ohh. [chuckles]
LILIT (as Xianna): I think it’s haunted.
HUDSON (as Tink): You’re probably right, but that’s a little dark.
NICK: So you’re headed back to the ship. HK is plodding after you carrying this giant skin. You get to the ship, and… what do you do?
HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s strap this baby up. We got some ropes and bungees? Some bungee cords?
CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna put it in the ship.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
CAMERON (as Karma): You were tying it to the outside of the ship? That’s not gonna go well when we go to hyperspace.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s true. It’ll just disintegrate.
LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not going to go well when we leave atmosphere.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
CAMERON (as Karma): Also a very valid point. We’re gonna do that before hyperspace.
LILIT (as Xianna): It would burn up, poof, go away.
HUDSON (as Tink): True. Alright, well, putting it in will work. It’s gonna be smelly though. Could we put it in somewhere that’s not the main area?
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we could put it in the wine cellar, because it’s like cooler. It would maybe help prevent the decay.
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think it’ll fit.
HUDSON (as Tink): If we chop it, it will.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well you can move those wine racks around. They pop into the walls to make space.
CAMERON (as Karma): See, I was thinking like the speeder room, because it’s right off the entrance ramp and then we don’t have to carry this through the ship.
LILIT (as Xianna): Can we climate control the speeder room?
CAMERON (as Karma): Sure. This ship is so freaking fancy, Xianna. We can do whatever we want.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I was just making sure, because the wine cellar is also right there. I don’t know why they put the wine cellar next to the speeder garage, but…
NICK: While you all are talking, HK clomps up the ramp carrying this giant rolled up skin and turns to the side and looks into the speeder room.
NICK (as HK): Surprised Statement: Holy kriff. Did y’all remember that there are speeders in here?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. That’s why we called it the speeder room.
NICK (as HK): Have we had these the whole time?
LILIT (as Xianna): I think so.
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I think. Yeah, I think the whole time you’ve been with us we’ve had them. I don’t remember exactly when we got them, actually.
NICK (as HK): Oh. Well, I guess that’s a thing. That’s good to know. Maybe we would have used speeders in the past, but… I’ll just chuck this in here I suppose. Or the wine cellar. Make a choice quickly. I may not have organic muscles, but this is very heavy.
LILIT (as Xianna): I guess we are putting it in here.
HUDSON (as Tink): Speeder room is a go.
NICK: So HK lifts it above his head and just chucks it into the room where it unfurls over the speeders like a drop cloth but very shiny.
[ominous music begins]
LILIT: From out in the hallway you can hear the wine cellar door opening up and you can hear the wine racks lifting up out of the floor, and you hear them pop up, and then after a second you just hear Xianna be like:
LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff? Tink?!
HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, what? What is it?
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes?
[ominous music ends]
LILIT (as Xianna): Did you fucking replace all of the wine with… with the popsicles?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I needed a place for my excess popsicles, and this seemed like the right kind of thing. I mean, it’s just a bunch of grape juice when you look at it.
LILIT (as Xianna): Where did it all go?!
[emotional music begins]
Tink… Tink, there were bottles in here that were like 100 years old. Do you know how much it was all worth? I was going to drink half and sell the other half.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… If it’s 100 years old that’s clearly expired.
LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh Tink, that’s not how the wine works. Where did it go? Tink, where did it go?
HUDSON (as Tink): Well… [exhales]
LILIT: Xianna is now right in front of Tink and holding onto his hair, and she’s just kind of leaned up.
LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tiiink! Tink, tell me where did you put the wine.
HUDSON (as Tink): It’s long gone by now. I put it in the airlock and it went flying.
LILIT: Xianna collapses on the floor.
LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink! That was so much money, and so much wine.
HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you know, life isn’t about money and wine, it’s about friendship and—
LILIT (as Xianna): That’s all it is about! It is… All life is is money and wine. Tink! [sobs] It’s so sticky in there. Why is it so sticky?
HUDSON (as Tink): Some of them melted. I got the temperature readings wrong.
LILIT (as Xianna): But they’re in, like, baggies. And containers. How are they so sticky?
HUDSON (as Tink): I eat half of them and then put them back in.
LILIT (as Xianna): Why do you eat only half a popsicle?
HUDSON (as Tink): Sometimes I’m not hungry enough for a full one.
LILIT (as Xianna): Karma!
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?
LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, he’s not allowed to do this.
CAMERON (as Karma): Allowed to do what?
CAMERON: Karma’s walking up the ramp of the ship having missed this conversation.
LILIT (as Xianna): He took all the wine away and put popsicles.
CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.
LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you even put popsicles in the wine cellar? The wine cellar is like 5 Celsius. It is not cold enough to freeze the popsicles.
HUDSON (as Tink): They just get a little mushy. But you know, honestly… Okay, Xianna, you say the wine’s gone, but I’m seeing a lot of whine in here right now.
[emotional music ends abruptly]
LILIT (as Xianna): [still sobbing] Karma!
CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, if you had popsicles in here why did you need so much space in the freezers?
HUDSON (as Tink): [withdrawn] For more popsicles…
CAMERON (as Karma): How many did you buy?!
LILIT (as Xianna): You made me get rid of my frozen meals. They had the little brownie in the tray.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you know those are garbage.
LILIT (as Xianna): Those are the best ones! Yes, I know they are for children, but I like them a lot.
HUDSON (as Tink): Is that the one with the chicken nuggies?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): They’ve got the tip-yip nuggies.
HUDSON (as Tink): Aww.
LILIT (as Xianna): And the little mac and cheese, and a veggie that I often ignore, and then a brownie. Sometimes they have a little apple spice thing. That’s good too. Karma, make him throw out the popsicles.
CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales] Okay, so this is one situation where I don’t think that, like… throwing out the popsicles isn’t going to fix the fact that he’s already thrown out the wine. Then we’re just out more money.
LILIT (as Xianna): It would make me feel better though.
CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…
HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not a good enough reason. I think it would be a huge waste, and we should just all have a popsicle and calm down.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine, but you have to take out your popsicles from the main freezer. Okay?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You can only have one space for popsicles. You need to consolidate.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… Once I look up what consolidate means I’ll be sure to do that.
NICK: At this point you hear the clanking of boots on the entry ramp and Meelo pokes his head into the ship.
NICK (as Meelo): Wow, nice place you got here.
NICK: He has a giant durasteel crate with backpack straps on his back, just like a cube that doesn’t look like it should be able to be held that way. He looks into the doorway of where you all are.
NICK (as Meelo): Ooh! Nice popsicle cellar. Swanky!
HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. You look like a really shiny delivery person.
NICK (as Meelo): Well, the delivery’s… me. Ready to get out of the jungle. Sure would be cool. Can I have a popsicle?
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, of course. We’re actually trying to eat these down to make room for new kinds of popsicles.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh, you’re trying to consolidate?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!
NICK (as Meelo): Great. Toss me one.
HUDSON: I throw a popsicle and they catch it like an anime.
NICK: Yep. They catch it, but it also, it’s the shape of a popsicle, but when they catch it the top and bottom half fold around their hand in the package because these are very barely slushy at this point. Meelo makes a face and then tears open the top.
NICK (as Meelo): Eh, I mean I’ll drink a popsicle. I’m not proud.
NICK: And starts to chug it and then sets this big crate down in the doorway.
NICK (as Meelo): Well, it looks like you managed to get that malsoom skin all loaded up, huh?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.
CAMERON: Karma walks out of the now popsicle cellar, pauses at the doorway, fixes the temperature settings to now be a popsicle cellar…
NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, you don’t want to refreeze something that’s thawed. That’s against quality guidelines.
LILIT: Xianna is still on the floor wiping her eyes.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, because when they make them in the factory they freeze them at a very, very low temperature very fast, so it prevents the formation of ice crystals, so when you refreeze them in a regular freezer it takes longer so the ice crystals form.
NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, exactly. Xianna knows her popsicles.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.
NICK (as Meelo): You must really like popsicles. You’re the one who made the popsicle freezer, aren’t you?
CAMERON (as Karma): Ooh…
CAMERON: Karma leaves the room.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, no… I don’t know why I learned that, actually. I didn’t have a lot of frozen foods growing up.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, I see.
LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just always so hot that there is no way you can transport the popsicles from the store to your house without them melting, so you just kind of eat them at the store.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. That sounds like a nice little treat as you’re walking around throwing food in your basket.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we would steal them, but…
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, well… okay.
LILIT (as Xianna): You would like take the popsicles, hide them in your coat, and then you would go to the bathroom. You would eat the popsicles there and then you would throw them away, and then that’s not shoplifting.
HUDSON (as Tink): A little five-finger discount going, even a ten-finger discount.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It was a very popular activity amongst all of my friends.
HUDSON (as Tink): Hoodlums.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.
CAMERON: Karma has closed up the entrance ramp and is walking back with the crate that the Stone Breaker’s in with HK.
CAMERON (as Karma): Do y’all… Do y’all wanna get out of the freezer?
LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Yes.
NICK: It has gotten noticeably colder in there since Karma adjusted the temperature.
CAMERON (as Karma): Come on. Meelo, we can choose your room.
NICK (as Meelo): Choose my…? Wow! You have multiple births? This is a swanky ship.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Do you have a bed shape preference?
LILIT (as Xianna): There are eight rooms, but one of them is mine so you can’t have that one, and I guess Karma and Tink also have rooms, so there’s really five rooms for you to choose from. Just be warned that one of them is very weird and sticky and you shouldn’t go in there. Also it’s haunted, so…
NICK (as Meelo): Okay. I would like to avoid the haunted sticky room, please, but otherwise don’t have much of a preference.
CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. How about this one?
CAMERON: Karma opens up one of the doors at random that’s not one of the four that we called out.
NICK: Yeah, it’s just a normal room with two bunks and a little wet bar and a little on-suite refresher, because these are very nice births. Meelo says…
NICK (as Meelo): Wow! These are like captain’s quarters on most ships.
NICK: …and starts to walk in and drops his big crate with a very loud clang, and it doesn’t bounce or move. It’s very heavy.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. This ship used to be a party yacht.
HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, it still is a party yacht, we just haven’t been partying lately.
CAMERON (as Karma): It kinda still is, yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): True.
CAMERON: Karma takes the crate with the Stone Breaker and is gonna go store it somewhere.
NICK: Yeah. There’s plenty of places to put it down around the ship.
CAMERON: I think Karma just carries it in and sets the crate in the living room, like out of the walkways but it’s in the same room.
NICK: Do you keep it with the Spirit Breaker?
CAMERON: Just forming a collection area.
NICK: Cool. Where are you keeping them?
CAMERON: I think the Spirit Breaker has been just sitting in the middle of the living room on the coffee table in one of those decorative bowls where people put glass balls, and it’s just sitting in there with some normal glass balls.
NICK: Okay. So, as you get closer to the Spirit Breaker, carrying this crate, you can feel an aura almost. It’s kind of like when you press two same pole magnets together but less intense, and with magnets it gets really strong as you get closer and really weak very quickly, and this one’s a constant push where you can feel extra resistance against the crate. It’s like on the edge of your hearing you can almost hear something as they get closer together.
CAMERON (as Karma): Huh…
CAMERON: Karma just sets down the crate against the wall in the living room.
NICK: The Spirit Breaker in the decorative bowl with other glass spheres rattles once and then goes still. As soon as you let go of the crate you stop hearing the noise.
CAMERON: Karma glances back and forth between the two of them for a second.
CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…
CAMERON: And turns around and heads back to where everybody else is in the ship. [laughs]
NICK: [laughs] You all strap into seats around the ship. Meelo makes himself comfortable in his birth. Karma, you get ready to fly the Afternoon Delight back out of the Ithorian jungle and into space. I’m gonna need a Piloting check from you.
CAMERON: Great. What’s the difficulty on the Piloting check?
NICK: It’s gonna be average this time, because you know generally what you need to do and you’ve done it once before.
CAMERON: One success, three advantages.
NICK: Okay. Great. So, describe your path as you wind your way through the sensor bubbles without being detected and make it back into orbit.
CAMERON: I think it’s a pretty straight-shot path, but for no reason, probably, the ship is going straight up but doing the spinning, just as it’s going up, because it looks cool.
NICK: So you make it out into orbit and you punch to hyperspace and quickly leave orbit just in case anything around was detecting you, and fall back out of hyperspace in a deserted corner of the galaxy. As you float through the darkness you all have a chance to stop and plan. We cut to all of y’all in the hot tub including Meelo who looks extremely comfortable.
NICK (as Meelo): So uh… where are you gonna drop me off exactly? I like y’all, but it’s time for me to get back to my wife and kids, and I need to figure out how to plan to get there.
CAMERON (as Karma): Where do you need to end up?
NICK (as Meelo): Uh, well the family’s on Sullust, but any major spaceport will get me home. I just need to know so I can start planning, because I don’t have a ton of money, so I’m probably gonna have to do a little work to get ready to go. I just like to know what the plan is, you know?
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Hey Xianna, do you know where Nolaa is at the moment?
[cute and gentle electronic music begins]
LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is leaned over the side of the hot tub just texting away on the coms and leans back a little bit.
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, Nolaa is in Coruscant right now. I can’t tell you what she’s doing.
HUDSON (as Tink): Why can’t you tell us what she’s doing?
LILIT (as Xianna): I just can’t! She said I can’t say. But she’s in Coruscant.
HUDSON (as Tink): What does it rhyme with? What does what she’s doing rhyme with?
LILIT (as Xianna): Smarson…
HUDSON (as Tink): Smarson…?
CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]
NICK (as HK): I do not know what smarson is.
LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.
NICK (as HK): I bet you that Nolaa didn’t tell Xianna and that’s why she can’t say, because their relationship was damaged earlier.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… oof.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay HK, calm down.
LILIT (as Xianna): HK, we have been working on that, and we have been having talks about communication and commitment issues and all of that, and I feel like we are at a very good place.
NICK (as HK): I still do not understand the significance of the toothbrush.
LILIT (as Xianna): I know, HK… [exhales]
NICK (as HK): Is it because you can use it to stab people?
CAMERON (as Karma): No.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, partially, because it was a shank as well so you could, but it is more about the symbolism of the relationship than it was about the specific physical toothbrush.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure you’re wrong and it’s actually about the physical toothbrush, because if it’s a shank then it can hurt intruders, so really you just gave a gift.
CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated sounds] No, I don’t think Nolaa appreciated it because specifically it was a shank.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well she did, it was just also that.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.
CAMERON (as Karma): She may have appreciated the fact that was funny, but that wasn’t why she was happy that Xianna gave it to her.
NICK (as HK): Yes Tink, never forget the old nursery rhyme: vibro-blades and stones will hurt my bones but a toothbrush will never hurt me.
CAMERON (as Karma): What?
HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, there’s a lot of ways you can kill a person with a toothbrush.
HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. It’s an old Mandalorian saying, so…
[gentle electronic music fades]
LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways. Yes. Nolaa is on Coruscant, and since she had the yellow dildo crystal thingy or whatever, hopefully she just hasn’t fenced it yet and we can go and we can get it, or you know if she has fenced it we just figure out who she sold it to and we steal it back.
NICK: Meelo is just watching this conversation, turning his head back and forth, completely out of his depth and very confused.
CAMERON: Karma turns back to Meelo.
CAMERON (as Karma): Coruscant work for you?
[gentle electronic music returns]
NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I guess. If you’re buying sex toys, that’s cool I guess. Like, have fun with that. I don’t… Is the thing you found on Ithor a sex toy?
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t believe so.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean anything can be a sex toy if you try hard enough.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh…
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.
HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t know that.
HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you?
CAMERON (as Karma): But I don’t… No, I don’t think so.
LILIT (as Xianna): It is not its intended purpose.
CAMERON (as Karma): No.
[gentle electronic music fades]
NICK (as Meelo): Okay. Well yeah, I guess we could go to Coruscant. Um… Sullust isn’t super close to there, but it’s like the biggest spaceport in the galaxy, so it should be pretty easy for me to hitch a lift there. I think I have some contacts too. I just need to make it there in one piece.
CAMERON (as Karma): We can probably make that happen.
HUDSON (as Tink): We can’t promise all of these things, but we can give loose… what is it, like loose guarantees.
LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why we wouldn’t arrive to Coruscant in one piece.
HUDSON (as Tink): What if we’re getting chased by the people from Ithor?
LILIT: Xianna leans in to Meelo and just quietly says:
LILIT (as Xianna): Meelo, it seems like you maybe have a lot of commitment issues and that you expect those around you to betray you, and I can give you some good videos to watch about learning how to overcome that and trust people again.
NICK (as Meelo): Wow. I was just really, really worried about being left alone in the jungle, but maybe there is more to it than that.
LILIT (as Xianna): Well look, commitment issues often come from a real place of trauma and a real event, but you have to understand that same event is not going to keep happening over and over, and you have to move past it and accept it and learn from the situation and remember that you can trust most people in your life.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The likelihood of you being on another herdship that gets shot down by the Empire is rather low I think.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh no, see, that wasn’t the situation that was so bad. Well, I mean, that was a big scary ship crash. That was pretty bad. But it was the amount of times that I saw people down on the planet and they shot at me rather than help me. That’s really why I was a little concerned about our relationship. But I do think that those are some pretty good rules to realize and live by.
HUDSON (as Tink): You know Meelo, you have to be introspective before you can be extrospective, and never forget that.
LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh, and if you want any videos on how to properly hide glitterstim in a room I can send you those too. I don’t know why they were in the same playlist, but you know, is both helpful.
NICK (as Meelo): I mean, I am a smuggler, so I’m pretty good at hiding things already…
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean yes, but sometimes, you know, you are always learning new things about your trade and your craft, and I didn’t realize some of these things, like ways to remove crown molding and hollow it out and then replace it. Never knew that one.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh, that’s pretty good actually.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!
NICK (as Meelo): That had not occurred to me. I like that.
LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly. I know!
NICK (as Meelo): And your ship has a lot of crown molding.
LILIT (as Xianna): Uh-huh. Yeah.
CAMERON (as Karma): How many other ships have crown molding, though? It’s so strange the amount of wood that’s on this one.
LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly the fancy ones. Mostly just the party yachts, and you would be surprised by how many party yachts I have had to hide drugs in.
CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think I’d actually be that surprised.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Now that I say it, it seems pretty typical for me.
CAMERON (as Karma): That tracks.
NICK (as HK): And who would expect a party yacht to be filled with super-fun drugs?
CAMERON: Karma raises her hand.
NICK (as HK): Yes, Karma?
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I was saying that I would expect the party yacht to be full of drugs.
NICK (as HK): Oh.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, it’s actually a very well-known thing. That is why you have to hide it so much, because sometimes the fuzz busts in and tries to bust you and you have to pretend that you had no idea what was happening. “There are drugs? Officer, I had no idea.”
NICK (as HK): Oh, secondary user Xianna. The fuzz, that is when you “cheese it” if I recall from our previous lessons.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You throw things at them and yell scatter and everybody runs away.
HUDSON (as Tink): If you see cherry toppers you gotta run.
NICK: So Meelo climbs out of the hot tub and he’s wearing little swim trunks with loth-cats on them. You’re not sure where he got them from, but maybe somewhere on the ship.
NICK (as Meelo): Well, this has been fun, but I’m pretty tired after finally being rescued from that terrifying jungle where I had to fight for my life every day, so I think I’m gonna go take a nap until we get to Coruscant I guess. Thanks for the lift, y’all. Please don’t pump all the air out of my room or lock me up or kick me out of an airlock.
CAMERON (as Karma): You know, the videos Xianna suggested might be good.
NICK (as Meelo): Yeah, I’m realizing now as I say that, that’s a pretty…
CAMERON (as Karma): Wow.
NICK (as Meelo): Yeah… Xianna, here’s my com number. Could you just send me the link to those?
LILIT: Xianna punches in some numbers and stuff.
LILIT (as Xianna): Here you go. I also sent you a playlist for easy recipes to make in a microwave.
NICK (as Meelo): I mean, those are pretty understandably related. That makes sense.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I just, you know, it’s good to have.
NICK: His com beeps in a friendly way, and he looks a little confused for a second.
NICK (as Meelo): Oh yeah, I didn’t have com access for so long that now that it works again it’s kinda surprising to hear the beeping. But great, thanks you guys, and I’ll see you later.
NICK: And off he goes. HK watches Meelo walk out of the room. His body doesn’t move, but his head pivots 270 degrees as he leaves, and he turns back and says:
NICK (as HK): That organic seems suspicious.
CAMERON (as Karma): Of us? Yes.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think he is just lonely.
HUDSON (as Tink): Does this require investigation?
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god, no.
LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] No.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, okay, not this time. This isn’t the time.
CAMERON (as Karma): No.
HUDSON (as Tink): Not suspicious enough.
LILIT: Xianna perks up.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Ooh. Nolaa is aware that we are going to come visit.
LILIT: And holds up the coms, and you can see in the text chat that Xianna sent spaceship, Coruscant flag emoji, kissy face, and then the person emojis for Gigoran, Nautolan, Twi’lek, with an arrow.
LILIT: Then Nolaa has replied “great, see you soon, xoxo.” [laughs]
LILIT (as Xianna): See? We are going to go do things. You can’t look at the other messages.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, why not?
LILIT (as Xianna): Partially because of the smarson, wink-wink, and partially because it is private.
HUDSON (as Tink): Privacy is a foreign concept to me.
LILIT: Xianna looks back down at the coms.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! She says she will take us out to pizza. She knows a good place.
CAMERON (as Karma): It has been a long time since I’ve had pizza.
NICK (as HK): Karma, when was the last time that you consumed pizza for your weak organic frame?
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay, don’t appreciate that comment on my frame, but I don’t remember?
HUDSON (as Tink): Do you count pizza days at the prison?
CAMERON (as Karma): No!
LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not real pizza.
CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.
HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was okay.
LILIT (as Xianna): We had pizza back at the resort…
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): …when we did that. Yeah. Okie, so Nolaa is going to take us out for pizza and then we will figure out where the yellow crystal thingy is. I don’t remember if we got a real name for it. Then once we figure out where it is we will go get it.
CAMERON (as Karma): I think the dildo was called the Space Breaker.
LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it will break some spaces if you know what I mean. Ha-ha!
CAMERON (as Karma): [pinched] Yup.
LILIT: Xianna does finger guns.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I don’t know what you mean.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, um…
LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um…
CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll look it up. I’ll look it up online.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, look it up maybe.
NICK (as HK): Answer to Query: Tink, that is because they have been saying that it looks like a toy used for sexual congress and it is a euphemism for using that toy as it is designed on a regular basis.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you don’t have to. He can look it up by himself. So anyways, does that sound like a good plan?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yup.
CAMERON (as Karma): Yep.
NICK: We get an outside view of the ship floating in space, and then after a brief and beautiful look of all the stars around, the ship jumps to hyperspace again as Karma changes the heading to go towards Coruscant. The next thing that we see is the ship coming in to land on Coruscant, swooping down onto a public landing pad, and you all exiting the ship. Meelo leaves with his large crate on some straps and waves in a friendly way to you before walking off and being quickly lost in the crowd.
CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty. Let’s go see about some pizza and dildos.
NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.
If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.
Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.