Transcript: S2 Episode 24- Phantasm Fun
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 24:
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.
No real announcements for this week, so I just want to thank everyone for listening and remind them to leave a review on their podcatcher of choice if they haven’t already. Thank you everyone for your continued support of Tabletop Squadron.
Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.
So now, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 24 of Tabletop Squadron, your best source for tactics and…
NICK: …and everyone saying the Owen Wilson “wow.” Yeah.
CAMERON: [laughs] Wow~
NICK: Our two biggest contributions to the internet space are wows and tactics. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.
LILIT: Wow~! I’m Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.
NICK: Up next we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright~
NICK: No, that’s the other guy.
LILIT: That’s a different person.
HUDSON: Oh, whoops.
LILIT: That’s Matthew McConaughey.
HUDSON: Oh… Oh! Owen Wilson—
NICK: I wish everyone could see the face that you made when you said “whoops” really non-convincingly.
LILIT: You thought I was lying to you.
HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.
NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very emotionally drained Nautolan bounty hunter.
NICK: Makes sense. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~
CAMERON: [laughing] Two dark side.
HUDSON: Two light side.
LILIT: One light side.
NICK: Great, so two dark side, three light side?
[slinky music begins]
NICK: When we last left you all, Karma had a very emotionally draining conversation with Keer, the father of her children. Tink and Xianna and HK did some looking back in time to figure out the source of who threw up next to the hot tub as well as doing some nice hot tubbing. You all prepared in your own special way for the mission that had been requested of you by Keyna, the singer in the Songbird jizz club, and you all went to get popsicles. That’s where we’re gonna start off.
We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight crouched behind a pile of trash. They are overlooking a rusted building nestled against a larger skyrise. The Kemslingers have hulled up in an old garage right at the perimeter of the lower levels. You know if you go much deeper Coruscant starts to become wilderness.
The cleaning crew and planetary upkeep teams only go so far. You run into hiding places, strange creatures, toxic swamps, all sorts of things that happen when a city has grown so large that no one knows where the bottom is. This is just past that line. You can actually see the part of the street where the cleaning droids stop and retreat to higher levels.
The garage itself is dusty and looks abandoned from the outside. There’s very little activity, and chunks of totaled speeders dot the front. There’s a single metal door inset in front of the building between two rusted garage doors that look like they wouldn’t open unless you hit them with a thermal detonator. We can see that Tink, Xianna and Karma are each holding a slightly melted popsicle while they stake out their target.
HUDSON: I take a look at my grape popsicle and I say:
HUDSON (as Tink): Hey HK, I know we’re behind some trash, so you must feel right at home, huh? Ha-ha.
[slinky music ends]
NICK (as HK): Boss Man, are you negging me in an opportunity to make me want to hang out with you more?
HUDSON (as Tink): [embarrassed] No…
LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds like a yes.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, I wasn’t very popular growing up and now I’m trying to do what they did to me. Seeing if it works. I read this book online—
LILIT (as Xianna): You need to stop reading random books you just find.
CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, that’s called bullying.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not good.
NICK (as HK): Your tactics will not work. You cannot hurt my feelings, Tink, because I do not have any.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… that’s sad.
NICK (as HK): However, sometimes I do search for vengeance. I suggest you watch yourself.
LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I feel like vengeance is an emotion, you know?
HUDSON (as Tink): I think vengeance is like right beside hunger on the emotion scale.
CAMERON (as Karma): Hunger is an emotion?
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Physically hungry, but also emotionally hungry, you know?
CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Emotionally hungry.
LILIT (as Xianna): It is very similar to being angry.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Hangry, angry…
LILIT (as Xianna): Revenge!
HUDSON (as Tink): …same root word.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. But anyways.
CAMERON: Karma makes a face and eats her ocean water popsicle.
LILIT: Xianna waves her pineapple popsicle around.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Are we just going to run in there and kill them? Steal the object and just leave it at that? Or, what else do we do?
[slinky music returns]
HUDSON (as Tink): I think I have a plan. I recently saw a movie that inspired me.
CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear.
HUDSON (as Tink): What if we send in Creamsicle through the roof, through the vents, to start causing a little bit of mischief around the garage such as having a pack of blood just ooze from one of the vent openings or maybe have a clamor in the far part of the garage where no one’s been for a long time, or maybe having spills or oil just fly out of cars because Creamsicle will be in the car throwing things around and—
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?
LILIT (as Xianna): Are you suggesting that we fake a ghost haunting so that they will get scared and leave?
HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly what I’m suggesting. You are in tip-top shape today, mentally. I applaud you, and I think we should then come to the front door and pretend like we are a ghost hunting crew that can help them find out the effects of the ghost, what kind they are, what their hobbies and interest are, how extreme they are, if they’re like extreme with one X or two Xs or three Xs, you know, the levels, and see if we can scare them out of their place like you mentioned.
CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve been staying up too late watching all the ghost hunter shows, haven’t you?
LILIT (as Xianna): No-no.
LILIT: Xianna holds out her palm, like open-handed.
LILIT (as Xianna): I think Tink has a good idea, actually.
HUDSON (as Tink): To answer your question, Karma, it was a movie. It was called Ghost Hunters.
CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is a miniseries special based on the TV show.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, whatever form of media I consumed I sure did consume it, my boy.
LILIT (as Xianna): But I think the base idea is good.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.
LILIT (as Xianna): Like what if instead of setting everything up and doing all the sneaking and having to kill people… that’s so much work, what if we just make them think it’s haunted? And they just leave? And somebody else was killing them anyways, so maybe they will be extra scared and, you know, run away, and we don’t have to do any heavy lifting.
HUDSON (as Tink): Can Creamsicle write in English?
LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have tried that, but she can carry a bag of blood.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is confirmed.
HUDSON (as Tink): So we can maybe write the blood message when we’re in there investigating.
NICK (as HK): Xianna.
LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?
NICK (as HK): You are very specific that Creamsicle can carry a bag of blood. Where have you been finding bags of blood?
[slinky music ends]
LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t ask questions, HK. Mind your own business.
NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you would ask me why I would be interested in bags of blood. It’s just idle curiosity.
LILIT (as Xianna): We all know you are interested in bags of blood, HK! You talk about it all the time!
NICK (as HK): I am interested in tubes of blood. Tubes of blood.
LILIT (as Xianna): You just walk in while we are eating our cereal and you go “ello, has anybody had a bag of—or a tube of blood today?” And we have to tell you no every single day.
NICK (as HK): I disagree with that assessment, as I have never said “ello” in my life.
LILIT (as Xianna): You know what I mean.
CAMERON (as Karma): Well, check that off your bucket list. You just did that.
NICK (as HK): Kriff.
LILIT (as Xianna): Ha-ha! If the vents are big enough for me to fit in as well, we can put a clear paint finish on their walls, in English, and then Creamsicle can spill the bag of blood when they are actually there, and then they can’t hear me in the vents because it’s Creamsicle. She’s so much smaller, makes no sound.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…
LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a good idea.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. This is coming together.
CAMERON (as Karma): I do not see how this is less work. I do think just breaking in and starting shooting is a bad idea, because we don’t know how many people are in there and what their arsenal looks like, but we know they’re probably well-armed because they’ve been being hunted and their gang members…
LILIT (as Xianna): It’s less work.
CAMERON (as Karma): How?!
LILIT (as Xianna): Because one, we already have speakers that we can set up to pump in spooky sounds. We have spooky sound music already from that one dinner party we threw. We have the bags of blood. We have the weird paint finish—don’t ask why I have it—that will cause the blood to form letters. And this way nobody gets shot at.
NICK (as HK): Karma, it is like you say, even though this may take more physical effort than merely killing the organics, if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.
[slinky music returns]
LILIT (as Xianna): Also it would just be funny, yes. HK has a point. It’s funny.
HUDSON (as Tink): You could come up with a persona!
LILIT (as Xianna): Theoretically they will be scared and we never have to actually go in as ghost hunters, only if some of them don’t want to leave. But this is just funnier and then none of us get shot at, because I don’t like that, because then Tink gets weird with the pretending he is a doctor thing.
HUDSON (as Tink): Um… I’ll just ignore that last part.
LILIT (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.
HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not your doctor. You refuse.
LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. You are not my doctor or anybody’s.
HUDSON (as Tink): So Karma, are you convinced?
CAMERON (as Karma): Not really, but knock yourselves out, kids.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I was about to have to make a huge deal about how this may or may not be a democracy within our group and so we would have to vote, but I’m glad I don’t have to do that.
LILIT (as Xianna): We do this, and if worse case it fails then we can just go in and shoot them I guess. But this way nobody gets shot at.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, backup plans are backup plans. What is everyone’s fake personas?
LILIT (as Xianna): I am a spooky ghost. Woooo~!
HUDSON (as Tink): That is not a fake persona. We’re knocking on the door. We can’t say “here’s our ghost.”
CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] “Hello, I hear you’re haunted. We brought a ghost with us.”
LILIT (as Xianna): I won’t be at the door. I will be in the vents.
HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh no-no-no, this is a good ghost. You have the bad ghost in there.”
LILIT (as Xianna): Be rattling things around and cutting eyeholes out of their paintings. They probably don’t have any paintings in their terrible gang garage, but…
HUDSON (as Tink): They could have posters.
LILIT (as Xianna): We can cut the eyes out of the posters. Hopefully there are people on the posters and not just speeders or something.
HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Okay, so you do want to be a ghost, just to be clear?
LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured I will be in their vents placing all of this stuff.
HUDSON (as Tink): That works out. Karma?
CAMERON (as Karma): I suppose I am the muscle for this ghost hunting crew.
NICK (as HK): But what will the name of your alternate personality be?
CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Daphne Blake.
LILIT (as Xianna): That is a good one.
HUDSON (as Tink): I am gonna be… Reverend Daniel Bearback. You can call me Rev. Bearback.
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you can have that name.
HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?
LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we have explained this before. There are connotations to that name.
HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like the bear, like rawr. You know?
[slinky music ends]
CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.
LILIT (as Xianna): There are connotations with that name. If you are okay with those connotations, fine, but I warned you.
HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. I’ll come up with a different name.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.
NICK (as HK): My name will be Cogster Johnson… ghost assassin.
LILIT (as Xianna): Very good. Very good.
HUDSON (as Tink): Cogster… [laughs] Wait, Cogster Johnson?
NICK (as HK): Cogster Johnson, ghost assassin.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, I’m going to place speakers into their garage and then I’m going to give everybody the other end so everybody can make different types of spooky ghost sounds. Well maybe not you, HK, I don’t know if they would believe that a droid died and decided to haunt their place.
NICK (as HK): This is probably a fair assessment. I will focus on the assassin part of this mission.
HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, got my persona. I am going to be Reverend Connor Suckerpunch. Now, it’s Reverend Suckerpunch, because my move when I exorcise the ghost is to sucker punch them.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, that makes sense.
HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.
CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convenient that you ended up in a profession that you could tie it to your name so well.
HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.
NICK: So it sounds like you have a plan to create a fake haunting in this garage, to such an extreme that these hardened criminals flee forever, thus destroying their organization. Is that accurate?
LILIT: And I would like to flip a light side point to say that we just have all of these supplies, for some reason.
LILIT: Any of the supplies we need to create this haunting are somehow on the ship.
NICK: I think there’s a combination of them being on the ship or really easy to get at a corner store or something. We don’t have to go through procuring the basics.
LILIT: I just want a whole bunch of special effects just in the ship for some reason.
NICK: We can do that. That’s worth a light side point. But I do want to know where the blood came from.
HUDSON: It came from Cheapo Mart. [musically] Cheapo Mart, buy our shit. It’s cheap. La-la-la.
CAMERON: [snickers] Good jingle.
LILIT: Let’s see… Oh, Xianna stumbled upon an illegal blood bank and decided to steal all of that blood. It wasn’t viable anyways, but it will be good for arts and crafts.
NICK: Okay. Good to know.
CAMERON: Wow. [laughs]
NICK: So, what is Step 1 of this plan to make the garage appear haunted? What are you doing first?
HUDSON (as Tink): Creamsicle, go forth!
LILIT: Xianna’s gonna go into the vents with Creamsicle and set everything up that she can from there.
NICK: Okay. I need two things from you. I would like you to do a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty to find the best way to get through their security and into the vents. Then after that, assuming that goes well, it will determine how hard your Stealth check is to put stuff everywhere without getting caught.
LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we staked the place out and have a better idea of when they will be there and when they won’t?
NICK: Yeah, for sure, and because you’re not really in a rush on this, so you can take your time.
LILIT: I got six successes and one advantage.
NICK: Wow. So this place has large vents that crisscross through the ceiling. It has a fake drop ceiling that you’re able to climb through as well, so you don’t need just the vents. This building is tucked against another building, but how do you get up on the roof and into the building without being seen? With that many successes I think part of your Skulduggery is you’re definitely in the building. The Stealth check will just be for setting things up.
LILIT: I think in this part of Coruscant there’s probably a lot of smog and smoke and various things from manufacturing plants and other industries, so Xianna just waits for a moment when the smoke is heavier at night and uses that to blend in and sort of stay close to the buildings and gets onto the roof of the adjacent building and sort of army crawl sneaks over to the actual garage.
NICK: Okay. There are stacks of crates and speeder parts, so you’re able to climb up onto the roof of the garage if you want, and there’s a big open vent that looks like it rusted apart a long time ago. So you’re able to get into the building.
LILIT: Yes, and then once inside the building Xianna will go through the vents and place tiny little speakers onto the grates in various places and a few tiny little projectors as well, in one or two of the vents, and will wait for them to leave the room. Once that has been done will exit out of the vents and take a bit of clear unobservable paint that is hydrophobic and paint “LEAVE NOW” in big spooky letters on one of the walls that is below a vent. And also just steal a few things.
NICK: [laughs] And also steal a few things. Great.
LILIT: Just for fun. [laughs]
NICK: For doing that with how well you cased the joint and how prepared you are, make me an average Stealth check to get everything just so and exactly where you want it, but you will have a black die because you’ve never been here before.
LILIT: I can add a blue die per rank of Stalker to all Stealth and Coordination checks.
LILIT: Alright, I have a triumph with its success and two advantages.
NICK: Nice. What additional thing do you find out with this triumph or what cool thing do you steal?
LILIT: Hmm… Xianna steals somebody’s very nice pocket watch that definitely has an engraving on it from some relative, assumedly dead relative. Xianna takes that. Do we wanna say maybe they have computers pulled up with all of their criminal activity? Can Xianna find out all of their criminal activities?
LILIT: Great. What are their criminal activities?
NICK: So, you drop down into this garage and you’re painting a spooky message on the wall in clear paint, and there’s several data banks up against the wall. They look a lot newer than the rest of the garage, still not in the best repair but not original parts to be sure. Some of the screens are still on and functioning, and you can see kind of like a little black book program of various transactions that they’ve been doing, and they’ve been doing some pretty bad stuff.
It looks like since they were kicked out of the, as it references in the notes, Blue Bantha Jizz Club that the Kemslingers have leaned really heavily into trafficking drugs, but before they used the club to get their clients and now since they have less clients they’re cutting it with stuff that’s potentially poisonous. They’re being a lot less safe and they’re kinda screwing over their customers.
In addition to that, you can see that they occasionally will kidnap people off the streets of Coruscant and sell them to Hutts out of the system. It doesn’t appear that they have anybody right now, but they’ve been stealing people, which is pretty messed up, and that seems to be where they’re getting a majority of their money.
So, you’re able to jump back up into the vent before people go by.
LILIT: Xianna gets back out and hands the pocket watch to HK and asks HK to redo the engraving on the pocket watch. If it says like “yours forever” have HK re-engrave out onto the sides of it so it says like “your soul shall forever be mine” and make it very creepy.
NICK: Heh. HK takes the pocket watch and says:
NICK (as HK): This is funny, because it will terrify somebody with a personal artifact of theirs.
NICK: There’s a click in his wrist and a very thin blade seems to fountain up and then solidify and he starts with mechanical precision to etch the words in. He even matches the font. It looks like it’s always like that. Then, HK stops for a second and says…
NICK (as HK): Wait.
NICK: …and starts to carve on it again so now the letters look all drippy too.
NICK (as HK): Hopefully this will cause an organic some extreme distress.
NICK: And hands it back.
LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. This is very good.
LILIT: Then Xianna hands it to Creamsicle, and Creamsicle runs back off into the vent, hopefully to put it back where it was found.
NICK: Hard to tell with Creamsicle. Maybe. Maybe Creamsicle will go eat snacks out of the kitchen. So, that was the first thing. You’ve really set the stage with scary microphones, tiny projectors aimed at mirrors, and a potential invisible ink on the walls. What else are you going to set up?
HUDSON: I go to the control panel outside the building that’s connected to the energy source of the building, and I make it so that the lights will flicker on and off and on and off randomly for the next few hours.
NICK: Alright. I think with how well Xianna skulduggled the place you’re able to get right up next to it without having to be particularly sneaky. She’s identified all of the proper approaches that won’t be observed. So, I just need a hard slicing check from you, but you can have a blue die because Xianna did see their computer systems unlocked and was able to tell you that not all of them are currently password protected so it’ll be easier to get in.
LILIT: I tell you the make and model so you can know if there are any pre-programmed backdoors or anything.
NICK: “Oh, they’ve got an Omega3 tower? You just elbow it like Fonzie and go ‘aaay.’”
LILIT: You just go into Programs, File, 64, File again…
HUDSON: Definitely Not Porn folder, and then you’re in.
HUDSON: Two successes and five advantages.
NICK: Wow. So the lights will now flicker on and off dramatically at the appropriate times. I think you’re also able to discover quite a bit of other information and maybe do something else with their systems that’s gonna make their life harder with five advantages. What do you think that would be?
HUDSON: I take down their website and chatroom.
NICK: [laughs] Okay. They had one of those forums that they use to recruit people over time and it’s just totally gone and replaced with just the color green. Just the whole screen is this particular shade of green. You go there and it just is one color, no font, nothing.
CAMERON: “Sorry boss, SpacerSoft is having an outage.”
NICK: Their online communications are shut down as well. They’re not going to be reaching outside of their building using the Holonet. Do you also hack the thermostat?
HUDSON: Yes, I hack the thermostat so that it gets very cold in random places in the building.
NICK: Okay. Karma, what is your plan to make this garage seem even more haunted?
CAMERON: So, the first thing Karma does is goes and picks up a cheese pizza for everybody.
CAMERON: Because we’ve been sitting here watching all day, so we’re hungry.
NICK: Yeah, it’s pretty late after dinner time by this point.
CAMERON: And we were just talking about hunger being an emotion and everyone realized that they were indeed hungry, so accomplished a pizza first.
NICK: Y’all have had pizza three times in three meals.
CAMERON: False! Those were pizza cones beforehand.
CAMERON: In the middle. So it was pizza, then two pizza cones, and then pizza again.
LILIT: Well, popsicles and then pizza.
NICK: Oh, that totally resets the counter.
CAMERON: It does, yeah. Mm-hmm.
LILIT: Completely different. Popsicles are a fruit.
NICK: So we get a quick scene of you all sitting with your backs to a dumpster just eating a pizza together and then tossing the box into the dumpster and getting back to work.
CAMERON: Yup. Then Karma goes over, I’m guessing it’s probably near where Tink was accessing the electric controls for the building, and has to dig a little bit at the base of the building with her knife but then has a wire that she pulls out slightly and has a blade set against it so she can cut the phone line.
NICK: Okay. Cool. Very cool. So, this garage is primed and ready to be very spooky very quickly. You all were extremely successful. Turns out setting up a fake haunting is well within your skillset. I’m as surprised as—well, I would say surprised as y’all are, but this was your idea, so I guess I’m surprised as the audience is.
I think the best way to show how successful this is… is to get it from the perspective of the people inside the building, so we’re going to switch to the Kemslingers who are hanging out in this garage waiting for their next big deal, and I want you all to play a Kemslinger as the haunting starts to happen. So, we’ll go around the table and everybody introduce your Kemslinger and what they look like and what their name is.
HUDSON: I’m a Human named Angry Albert. They call me Angry Albert because, uh… I have a bit of a temper.
NICK: What does Angry Albert look like?
HUDSON: Angry Albert has a bowl cut, wears a bowtie, every now and again wears suspenders… and boots.
HUDSON: [in a sort of old timey gangster voice] He sounds like this! I just oughta—well, I just wallop them in the face, you know?!
NICK: I love it. Great.
LILIT: I will be playing a Chadra-Fan named Big Joe.
NICK: Okay, so you’re a very small cute bat person named Big Joe.
LILIT: Yes, but they have a scar running across one of their eyebrows and eyes so that you know they’re hardcore.
NICK: Okay. [laughs]
HUDSON: How tall is Big Joe?
LILIT: Like three feet tall.
LILIT: Like one meter.
HUDSON: [laughs] Great.
LILIT: At most. Big Joe is not very big.
CAMERON: I will be playing an Anselmi…
CAMERON: …named Darla Rockthrower.
CAMERON: So, Anselmi are the other main species that live on Glee Anselm, and they hate Nautolans, because the Nautolans live on turtles in the ocean and for some reason the Anselmi decided to live on land and there’s not a lot of that on Glee Anselm.
HUDSON: I know how you got your name.
CAMERON: Noun Verber?!
HUDSON: Yes! But, you were known as a child growing up as the kid who threw rocks at trains.
CAMERON: [laughs] I’ve been bad since I was 6, throwing rocks at trains. The Anselmi kind of look like spiky turtles. They’re still amphibians, but they look more reptilian than Nautolans do.
[slow guitar music begins]
NICK: So, it’s a normal day in the Kemslinger hideout. You’ve just made a reasonably big deal selling off some of your inventory that you cut with cleaning supplies to make sure that it could hit all of your customers. You’re pretty sure you didn’t cut it too much to where people will get sick, but eh, who cares. You’re all standing around in the garage just celebrating your victory and having a good time.
HUDSON (as Albert): Hey Big Joe, why do they call you Big Joe? You’re not very big at all!
LILIT (as Joe): If you ask me that one more time I will stab you.
HUDSON (as Albert): If you stab me I’ll just stab you right back, I tell you what!
LILIT (as Joe): You would never catch me. I’m too fast for you, Angry Albert.
HUDSON (as Albert): I bet your bottom dollar you ain’t at all!
LILIT (as Joe): I’ll fucking stab you in the bottom.
HUDSON (as Albert): [grits his teeth and makes angry noises]
NICK: There is a very muscly Human with a shaved head and a big purple facial tattoo on half of his face that walks into the room.
NICK (as boss): Angry Albert, you get it together. Stop threatening to stab anybody that’s in our group. There’s not that many of us left.
HUDSON (as Albert): Say that again and I’ll stab you.
LILIT (as Joe): Wait a second, boss. Um… if we cut all the products with the cleaning supply, what are we gonna use to clean?
NICK (as boss): It’s funny to me that you suggest we clean at all. This place hasn’t been cleaned in years.
NICK: Camera sweep to all the dust and dirt and rust all over the place.
NICK (as boss): That was Rockthrower’s job.
LILIT (as Joe): I didn’t ever plan on cleaning, I was just saying like… hypothetically.
NICK (as boss): We’ll go buy more cleaning supplies when we get more product. You know how this works. We’ve done it forever.
HUDSON (as Albert): [fuming] Ugh, the bathroom is just filthy! What if I wanna bring someone back here? You know, like a hot date or something. You know what I mean? I just oughta… [stammers] I’d clean it myself, but I don’t want to. Ugh.
[slow guitar music ends]
LILIT (as Joe): The fast food place down the street has an open bathroom!
HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbling] Alright.
LILIT (as Joe): Just use that bathroom.
HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbles]
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Or just don’t bring dates back here.
HUDSON (as Albert): Well some of them wanna see my badass hangout.
LILIT (as Joe): You’re just trying to give them drugs for free.
HUDSON (as Albert): They’re trying to get drugs for free?
LILIT (as Joe): Yeah!
NICK (as boss): I hate to tell you, Angry Albert, but they’re absolutely trying to get drugs for free.
HUDSON (as Albert): That gal Melinda though.
LILIT (as Joe): And you can’t give them drugs for free, we gotta sell drugs to the community.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): We provide a vital service.
NICK (as boss): Wait. Shut up. Do you hear that?
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Hear what?
NICK (as boss): What’s that noise?
LILIT (as Joe): That was Albert!
HUDSON (as Albert): It was not me.
NICK (as boss): No, not Albert.
LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]
LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, now I think I heard that.
LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Albert, was that your stomach?! Please say it was.
HUDSON (as Albert): N-No, I haven’t eaten in a while.
LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] Leave now~
HUDSON: Tink gets on the mic.
HUDSON (as Tink): [ghostly voice, hums ‘The Longest Time’ tune]
LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] I shall feast on the souls~
NICK (as boss): Did you… Did you see that? There’s something… There’s something moving somewhere in here. The rest of the guys are in the other area, but I can still see movement.
LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, I think it’s over there.
HUDSON (as Albert): What?
NICK (as boss): No, it’s behind you.
HUDSON (as Albert): What?! [frantic noises] What, where?! I looked. I don’t see nothing.
[eerie music begins]
NICK: And the lights begin to flicker, and you can see your breath in front of your faces as it gets really cold here in the entryway to the garage.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I promise I paid the electric bill.
NICK (as boss): Yeah, you better have.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I did.
NICK (as boss): I had hoped you hadn’t paid it, because… what else could explain this?!
LILIT (as Joe): I don’t want to be the first one to say it, but I think it’s a ghost.
HUDSON (as Albert): [through gritted teeth] You didn’t wanna be the first one to say it but then you said it.
LILIT (as Joe): It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!
NICK (as boss): [dismissively] A ghost? Really?
LILIT (as Joe): Well, what else do you think it is, boss?
NICK: We hear a light pattering from the vents, and suddenly Zol, the boss, whips around to see a red dark liquid pouring from one of the vents, and it doesn’t completely cover the wall as if being written on by some sort of ghastly fingers.
LILIT (as Joe): Oh my god! I think it says “lea no.” Oh wait, no, it says “leave now.”
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): “Leave!”
LILIT (as Joe): It says “leave now.”
HUDSON (as Albert): Believe? What are we believing?
LILIT (as Joe): Nah, the blood just hadn’t gotten all the way over to the right hand side yet.
HUDSON (as Albert): Oh… Oh, alright.
LILIT (as Joe): Lea no made no sense, but leave now, that makes a lot of sense, actually.
HUDSON (as Albert): I ain’t afraid of no ghost.
LILIT (as Joe): Well I am! I don’t wanna get no stabbed by a ghost.
HUDSON: [hums Ghostbusters stinger]
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I don’t think ghosts stab people…
LILIT (as Joe): Well, I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to be around to find out.
HUDSON (as Albert): How could they possibly hold the knife?
LILIT (as Joe): I know they’re incorporeal, but…
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): So poltergeists are different? If it’s a poltergeist it can interact with solids around you.
LILIT (as Joe): Yeah, they like use the power of the Force to lift up the knife and then use it to stab you. … That’s what I would do if I was a ghost.
NICK: A toolbox rattles off of a workbench in the back of the shop with a loud bang.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Ah!
LILIT: Big Joe jumps and points at it.
LILIT (as Joe): See?! This place is fucking haunted! And that ghost is gonna stab us. You know what, if none of you care, I’m gonna call One-Eyed Ted and see what he has to say about this. He’s gonna back me up once he hears about all this.
[eerie music ends]
NICK (as Zol): Make the call.
LILIT: And Big Joe runs over to the telephone that is on the table.
CAMERON: It’s like an old rotary telephone, too.
LILIT: And dials the number one by one as it is a rotary phone with their little bat fingers.
LILIT: Ring… Ring…
LILIT (as Ted): Yeah?
LILIT (as Joe): One-Eyed Ted, you won’t believe what the fuck is happening down at the garage!
LILIT (as Ted): Ugh. What is happening down at the garage?
LILIT (as Joe): A fucking ghost is haunting the place, and boss and Albert and Rockthrower don’t fucking believe me. But there’s blood on the wall and it says “leave now.” And the lights went out, and shit got moved around, and it’s cold, and not in like a we forgot to pay the electricity bill like that one time and also forgot to threaten the electrician so that they would keep the lights on and stuff. Now it’s all working but it’s cold as Hoth over here.
HUDSON (as Albert): Ted! Ted, do you hear me? You owe me 30 Credits, you motherfucker!
LILIT (as Ted): I definitely do not owe you 30 Credits.
HUDSON (as Albert): I can’t hear you, but you better talk about how you’re paying up.
LILIT (as Ted): Big Joe, I can hear Albert, and you gotta tell him that I do not owe him 30 Credits.
HUDSON (as Albert): Turn that rotary phone on speaker, damn it!
LILIT (as Joe): I’m not turning the phone on speaker! It doesn’t have that setting, remember? We pawned that. One-Eyed Ted says that he doesn’t owe you 30 Credits and that it’s a ghost.
LILIT (as Ted): I did not say it was a ghost, but it probably is a ghost. It does sound like you are indeed in the midst of a haunting from a supernatural entity.
CAMERON: The line goes dead.
LILIT (as Joe): [gasps] Oh my god! The line cut out right as he said it was a ghost!
LILIT: And Big Joe is pointing wildly around.
LILIT (as Joe): Right as he said it was a ghost the line went out. See, it’s a fucking ghost, I’m telling you.
HUDSON (as Albert): No proof that that’s no ghost. I gotta get at least one more sign.
LILIT (as Joe): What else do you think there is? It’s already put blood on the walls and make spooky woohoo noises and threw a box and made it cold in here. What else do you want?
HUDSON (as Albert): Well, if you know anything about ghosts, you’d know that they’re going to have a personalized message to you, something that tugs at the heartstrings but in a spooky way.
LILIT (as Joe): Wait, I thought that was the “leave now” in blood.
HUDSON (as Albert): Nah, not personal enough.
LILIT (as Joe): I don’t know, I feel like the blood is pretty personal seeing how it came from a person.
HUDSON (as Albert): No, no-no-no, you need like a personal artifact. See, this watch was passed down through my families through multiple generations.
LILIT (as Joe): yeah, we’ve all fucking seen your pocket watch.
HUDSON (as Albert): I’m saying, if they were to fuck around with my pocket watch—
HUDSON: I open the pocket watch and I see the message.
HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers] My pocket watch, it says “yours forever,” but someone, something… now it says “your soul is mine forever.”
LILIT (as Joe): That’s a ghost! See, it’s that personalized message to indicate that the ghost is directly trying to get us!
HUDSON (as Albert): Ghost watch! Ahh!
HUDSON: And I stomp it on the ground, just crack the watch into a million pieces.
LILIT (as Joe): We got any salt? I think we’re supposed to throw it in a circle or something!
HUDSON (as Albert): No-no, behind your shoulder.
LILIT (as Joe): Ah! Rockthrower, find the salt! You can throw it around better. You’re the best thrower out of all of us.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): On it!
LILIT (as Joe): I love selling drugs, and trafficking people, and doing all sorts of other terrible illegal activities, but not if I’m gonna get stabbed by a ghost!
HUDSON (as Albert): Rockthrower, are you petrified?
CAMERON: Rockthrower runs back into the room holding a canister of the Morton’s sea salt, has the thing open and is just waving it around in the air in circles around her head running around the room.
NICK: It gets in Zol’s eye.
NICK (as Zol): Agh! Watch where you throw that stuff. I’m not the ghost.
LILIT (as Joe): It’s the curse of the ghost!
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): but you’re safe now!
LILIT (as Joe): Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not gonna stay here no more.
NICK: So we cut to outside. Xianna and Tink and Karma and HK are back behind the dumpster where they can get a good view of the garage. Karma has run back around and slid back into cover after cutting the phone line. We see Big Joe run out the front door. This small Chadra-Fan with a scary scar over one eye with no weapons, just running with his hands above his head, runs deeper into the Coruscanti night away from the garage.
HUDSON (as Tink): Got ‘em!
NICK (as HK): I will admit, I am a little surprised that worked on even a single member.
HUDSON (as Tink): Might have to be more convincing for the rest of them.
LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think if we give it a few more moments the rest of them will also leave.
HUDSON (as Tink): I have my reverend persona ready if they don’t.
LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can make more spooky ghost sounds. We know some of their names now so we can use that.
CAMERON: From the vents you hear:
CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~
HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers, frightened] What is that?
CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~
HUDSON (as Albert): Tell me what you waaant!
CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Your soul~
HUDSON (as Albert): No! No-no-no! You don’t need that. I need that. You don’t need that at all. I definitely need that! Okay. Okay. Ugh. I don’t know why, Rockthrower, this is your fault.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): [indignant] What?!
HUDSON (as Albert): And I’m getting out of here. It’s your fault! You attract ghosts.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): How?!
HUDSON (as Albert): You attract ghosts.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): What?! No I do not.
HUDSON (as Albert): Why are they here then?
NICK: Albert breaks and runs for the front door, and we cut outside to seeing this Human with a bowl cut running the same direction as Big Joe, and he’s yelling “it’s all Rockthrower’s fault!”
NICK: As he runs deeper into the Coruscant night.
LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you, it is working. We have to just let it simmer and marinate and have time to develop.
CAMERON: Rockthrower sets the salt container on a table.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I’m just gonna go catch them… and I’ll bring them back.
NICK (as Zol): You’re coming back, right?
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Oh definitely, yeah. Yeah. I’m just gonna go—I have to go get them.
NICK (as Zol): It would be so embarrassing if my three top lieutenants were to leave because of this ghost situation.
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Of course! Yeah, no, totally not gonna happen, boss. Definitely will be right back. Just as soon as I get Albert and Joe we’ll be right back.
[someone makes ghostly oohing]
CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Yeah… later!
NICK: Zol jumps and looks at the vents where the noise is coming from.
NICK (as Zol): This is getting out of hand.
NICK: And we see Rockthrower kick open the front door and yell “wait for me” and go running off into the night as well.
LILIT: Xianna does a little fist pump into the air.
LILIT (as Xianna): See? Ah-ha! I told you. We got three of them to leave. The ghost plan is incredibly effective.
NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.
If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.
Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.