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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 39:
It’s Raining Mercenaries

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, I want to thank our newest Patron, Kevin Lovecraft. Thank you so much for supporting the show. May the light side always shine upon you and yours.

In other news, we’re back from GenCon and we had a blast. It was great to see friends of the show there and immerse ourselves in podcasting and gaming culture for a few days. Our Patreon-exclusive feed has a recording of our thoughts already published and will feature the panel we presented as soon as we get it balanced and edited. Thank you to everyone who dropped by and said hi. It was an amazing experience this year.

Music this week is MegaMetal by Loyalty Freak Music.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 39 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Everybody go around the table and say who you’re playing today, starting with Laura.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I’m gonna be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: I feel like we’ve made that joke recently.

[laughter]

LAURA: It’s possible. I have no concept of time.

CAMERON: Yeah, but Laura hasn’t started the joke though, so it’s a different funny.

NICK: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: I’m Laura, and I’m playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Oh, I forgot to say my random weird shit. … Oh well.

LAURA: Say it now.

CAMERON: I didn’t miss it.

NICK: Ohh! [hurt groan]

HUDSON: Ohh-ho-ho!

CAMERON: Ohh! There you go. There’s your funny.

NICK: Geez.

LAURA: Well, Hudson and I missed it.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Thanks guys. [fake sobbing] That made me sad. Up next we’ve got Hudson, because Cameron’s off the show now.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And up next we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. The whole crew is back at it again. A kind of quick recap of what happened last time:

CAMERON: Do you need help?

LAURA: Do you want me to read my notes?

NICK: Yes.

LAURA: Possible girlfriends with Nolaa? Saw a Jedi once. It was cool. Girlfriend status achieved. Can flirt, fake wedding is okay. Secret tattoo.

CAMERON: I thought that was from the previous-previous episode.

LAURA: I have no idea, but that’s where my notes stop.

NICK: Heh. The last episode was just so engaging.

CAMERON: The last episode, the Tallahassee Quagmire showed up. Xianna and Tink—

LAURA: Got trapped in a box.

CAMERON: –got trapped in a box, because they tried to break into the Tallahassee Quagmire.

NICK: That happened.

HUDSON: Not break in!

CAMERON: Uh yeah, break in.

HUDSON: I was trying to claim a room, if I recall.

NICK: Yeah. That’s exactly what happened.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm, breaking in. Karma left a really bad Yelp review specifically naming the concierge who was mean to her. Then, had a lovely lunch, her, HK, and Tiny, and Carn Harn?

NICK: Carn Horn.

LAURA: Caaarn. CARN!

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Carn Horn, our new Wookie friend, had a lovely lunch while Xianna and Tink slowly suffocated on the ship.

NICK: Yeah. Thank you for that recap. I was drawing kind of a blank there.

CAMERON: HK is gonna go to the little droid’s room, and is great at taking phone calls.

NICK: Yup. He is now going to be the secretary/receptionist.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. Before we start, let’s go ahead and do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two light side~

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

CAMERON: Ha~!

NICK: That’s good. Alright, so we open with a close-up shot of Tiny’s face. “Well, if you make it out of where we’re dropping you alive, yeah, we can meet up and do something, but that would be a pretty big if.” The camera zooms out with an action shot of the crew standing in the open cargo area of the Tallahassee Quagmire. We can see a row of small sealed doors by the entrance, but the actual ship is pretty empty. There are exposed wires and metal supports everywhere as though everything that could be torn out to make space has been. Tiny, the captain of the ship, is leaning against the entrance to the cockpit. His co-pilot, Carn Horn, [car horn beep-beep] is digging in the walls presumably getting things ready for departure. The ship is dimly lit and feels strangely still and silent since it hasn’t been powered on yet. Tiny looks you all over. “So, we’ll be ready to take off again in about half an hour. If you need to fetch any gear for this or anything, you’re going into a warzone, so I’d recommend against the bikini.” He’s looking at Xianna.

LAURA: “Well, I mean, I brought other clothes.”

CAMERON: “And technically it’s a one-piece. It’s all connected.”

LAURA: “It is a one-piece. It is all connected, just not in a way that I understand. It does take me a very long time to put it on.”

NICK: Tiny blushes a little bit and is trying to not look for too long. “Wait. So, you have things with you? Where are you keeping them? I see your little beach bag, but—“

LAURA: “In the beach bag!”

NICK: “That’s it?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Oh. Okay.”

HUDSON: What’s the encumbrance?

[laughter]

CAMERON: Well, it is a big beach bag.

LAURA: “It has my coat which has a gun, and drugs, and some binders, and scanner goggles, and that is about it. Yes.”

CAMERON: Karma fully suited up and HK grabbed his gun and we were just walking around the resort with it. [laughs]

NICK: Oh yeah. Nobody said anything. That’s weird.

CAMERON: No.

NICK: Tiny looks around and says, “So, uh, big guy, the white Wookie, you got everything that you need?”

HUDSON: “Well…” I forgot if I have my vibro-axe.

CAMERON: [laughs] “Okay. We’re all gonna walk back over to our ship real quick and double-check to make sure we have everything. We’ll be right back. Come on, kids.”

NICK: “Alright. Alright Carn, [car horn beep-beep] let’s see if we can get this sucker moving.”

LAURA: “But I brought everythiiing.”

HUDSON: “A walk won’t hurt you.”

LAURA: “It might.”

HUDSON: “I mean, I guess…”

CAMERON: “You can grab another tiki drink.”

LAURA: [resigned] “Okay…”

NICK: [chuckles] We get the circle wipe that they use in Batman a lot and we see the crew walking across a very small parking lot to their ship, and then another circle wipe and the crew walking back. Everybody has all the gear that they’re gonna need, standard adventure load out, unless there’s extra stuff they want to grab. Anybody need extra stuff?

HUDSON: No. Oh, maybe.

CAMERON: I don’t think so. I think I have all my stuffs.

NICK: So Xianna, do you just throw your coat on over your bathing suit for now, or did you switch back, or…?

LAURA: Nobody knows.

NICK: Oh yeah. That’s fair. Wearing the coat. Cool. Everybody’s well-armed. Carn Horn [beep-beep] the—

CAMERON: (boop-bwoop!)

NICK: You lock the ship…?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Carn Horn [beep-beep] the Wookie is elbow deep in the wall of the ship doing something and you get the [whooshing] of the ship turning on. He makes the Wookie noise, which I am not going to try to make.

CAMERON: [laughing] He pulls his pliers out of the wall and is like ‘yay, it started.’

NICK: Yeah. [laughs]

LAURA: Is it now time for all of us to try making the Wookie noise?

NICK: I guess…

[various attempts and laughter]

NICK: Oh gosh. Yeah, so Tiny turns to you all and says, “Well, we’ve got two more crash harnesses up front if two people want to sit down up there, but we should probably get out of here. We’ll jump to empty space and we’ll explain what your entry plan is, and then we’ll be in it. So, who’s gonna sit in the cockpit?”

CAMERON: “I’m gonna sit up front.” Karma runs up front.

NICK: “Great. Karma’s got a seat. There’s one empty seat, unless you both want to rattle around back here.”

LAURA: “Ooh! I call dibs.”

HUDSON: “I guess I’ll run around back here.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “You can run around.”

NICK: Okay. Great. We get a shot through the open cockpit door. It’s kind of like the Millennium Falcon where there’s a slidy door that cuts the cockpit off, but they leave it open. There’s Carn [beep-beep], Tiny, Xianna, and Karma all strapped in, and they take off and they fly up into the atmosphere, and they punch it and go to hyperspace, and we see the lights streak out, and we see Tink go ‘WHOA…’ as he flies and bounces into a wall, because there’s nothing else to hold onto here.

LAURA & CAMERON: [vroom and zoom noises]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: He rattles around a little bit and then gets back up. A little while later the ship snaps back into regular space. We get the Tallahassee Quagmire just floating in the star-speckled abyss that is the middle of nowhere, and Tiny unbuckles his crash harness and turns around. “So, what do you know about where you’re going?”

CAMERON: “I remember it being a warzone…?”

LAURA: “Like, when we die?”

CAMERON: “No. Why would you get that, Xianna?”

LAURA: “I don’t know. Just like, where are we going.”

NICK: “Harn!”

CAMERON: “The mission.” [laughs]

LAURA: “What happens once we die? You know, where do we go?” Heh.

HUDSON: “I’m looking into that!” I yell from the back.

CAMERON: “He did ask me about that earlier.”

HUDSON: “There’s a lot of options!”

NICK: “Complaining Statement: No one offered me a seat.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh no!

NICK: HK’s clutching onto one of the crossbeams.

LAURA: “Well, because there were no more seats. I called dibs so there were only two.”

NICK: “Clarification: At least I didn’t smash around into the walls like Tink. I think that there may be permanent damage to some of the walls.” There’s dents in some of the wiring and things.

HUDSON: “It’s your fault for tearing up everything and not leaving a seat for us.”

NICK: “Look, it’s a smuggling thing. Technically you all are cargo, so we could have just locked you in one of the smuggling compartments, but those seal and don’t have air. No kind of smuggler would ever stick a live person into a cargo compartment with no air.”

LAURA: “Um…”

NICK: That’s funny, because Han Solo does that in some of the books.

CAMERON: Oh. I was gonna say that’s funny because that’s what happened to Tink and Xianna earlier.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. That’s also funny for that. “But yeah, no one would do that.”

CAMERON: “Of course not.”

LAURA: “Yeah… Okie.”

NICK: “So, the planet we’re taking you to…”

CAMERON: “Yes?

LAURA: “It is?”

NICK: “It’s called Fygo.”

CAMERON: Let me see if I wrote this down.

NICK: “I’m assuming that Sentinel gave you some information?”

LAURA: “No. Can you spell it for me?”

NICK: “F-Y-G-O.”

HUDSON: Moon mist.

NICK: No. I wish I hadn’t named the planet this, but it’s  too late now.

LAURA: “Oh yes, that is the planet where the juggaloos live.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs and groans] Oh poop.

LAURA: “They have a very unique white and black skin color. It is in like splotches on their face.”

HUDSON: They have vibro-hatchets.

LAURA: “They all carry vibro-hatchets. It is a very loud and rambunctious planet.”

NICK: “Oh no, you’re thinking of the planet Faygo.”

CAMERON: So, my entire set of notes for this mission was ‘meeting the Tallahassee Quagmire, captain Tiny’s ship.’

NICK: The end.

CAMERON: Apparently I just trusted that somebody was gonna tell me what was going on at this point. [laughs]

NICK: That’s fine. “So, sounds like you all don’t remember much. The good news is I know a little bit about what’s going on, so let me give you an update.”

CAMERON: “Oh, that’s good.”

NICK: “So, planet of Fygo, currently under Imperial interdiction, at least one star destroyer currently bombarding one of the two main cities on the planet. It sounds like the person that you’re supposed to go pick up is on the planet, in the city being bombarded. The problem with that, normally not too big a deal, sneak aboard a star destroyer, either blow the star destroyer up, steal some TIE fighters, sometimes you spray the TIE fighter really cool colors and it makes it stand out but it’s your style and that’s okay… but can’t do that this time. There’s an issue with the planetary defense shield. Somebody seems to have overloaded it, so there’s no way in or out. Not great. Seems like the Empire and whoever is left of the city down on the surface are still fighting it out, but it’s pretty difficult to get down there, unless you have drop pods.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you all.

CAMERON: “Let me guess, you have drop pods.”

NICK: “Yeah, I’ve got drop pods.”

LAURA: “I was in a drop pod once.”

NICK: “Really? How’d that go?”

LAURA: “Pretty good!”

NICK: “Yeah?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Everybody came out in one piece?”

LAURA: “The people that needed to. Pretty sure.”

NICK: “Oh.”

LAURA: “Actually, I’m pretty sure everyone. I don’t think anyone died on impact of the drop pod I was in.”

NICK: [chuckles] “I think you get it. That’s about the success rate we would hope for. Most of the time it’s fine. It’s not something people normally would use to land on a planet, because 99% of the time a space ship would be a better choice, but these babies have a lot of extra shielding and interference so they should be able to pierce the shields and get you down to the surface.” He points over your shoulders and you see those small doors that were in the back wall. They pretty much hook up with what you thought were booster rockets on the back of the ship originally. ‘Yeah, so when we get there we’re gonna skim the surface of the shield and hopefully not get shot. You all basically just jump into those drop pods, launch them down, try to coordinate where you’re going to land, and then from there you’re on the planet. You can do whatever you need to do to pick this person up. Now here’s the part where it gets a little tricky.”

He opens a panel on the side of the cockpit and slides out what looks like a four-foot-long footlocker, and it looks pretty light, and it’s got carrying straps and stuff. He flips it open and you see what looks like a row of briefcases with a few lights on them. “Ever seen one of these before?” He holds it up and it looks kind of like a backpack but just square, probably half a meter by half a meter, a lot of lights on it, and one button and that’s it. He waves it around.

HUDSON: “Oh yeah. I’ve seen them. Are you an aspiring DJ?”

NICK: “Ooh. Close. Not quite. Good guess, though.”

CAMERON: Heh. Laser tag.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Those are lock boxes for your drugs.”

NICK: “No…”

LAURA: “Then I have no more guesses.”

NICK: “I do like everybody’s attempts to participate. We’re off to a great start. So, these are stratopacks. Essentially, if you put them on and press the button it will put you outside of the atmosphere so that we can pick you up.”

LAURA: ‘It is a reverse parachute! Got it.”

NICK: “Yeah. Pretty much.”

CAMERON & HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: “The thing, though, is it does have a small oxygen supply, but you’ll probably—you won’t be completely out of atmo, so you won’t decompress for about three minutes. That should be plenty of time for us to pick you back up and whoever you’re supposed to be bringing onboard as well. I would recommend all going at the same time so we only have to make one sweep, but if for some reason that’s not possible these all have tracking beacons on them. That’s why we get paid so much. It’s sort of a specialty of ours we picked up after Quiggle died. We had to find something that—“

CAMERON: [giggling] “Like, two weeks ago?”

NICK: “Yeah. We had to find something to do, and most of the crew was gone so we couldn’t do smash and grabs anymore, so I bought these stratopacks, and Sentinel paid for these drop pods, and now we’ve got a whole new business set up.”

CAMERON: “Nifty.”

NICK: “Yeah. It’s been pretty good so far.” You can actually see that even though it hasn’t been that long, Tiny seems a lot more assured. He’s got his big captain’s hat on with the big feather.

CAMERON: He’s actually a commodore is what he told me last time, so I think he has a commodore hat.

NICK: Yes. Sure. Whatever you want to call it.

CAMERON: It made a difference in Pirates of the Caribbean.

NICK: It did. That’s true. You can see that the relationship he has with Carn [beep-beep] the Wookie is pretty strong, just from the way that they work the ship together, that they’ve bonded pretty quick and they’ve got at least this ship. If he’s calling himself a commodore he may have more, it’s unclear. “Yeah, so long story short, you’re gonna use the drop pods, drop down to the planet, go find whoever you need, put one of these stratopacks on them, hit the button, and then we’ll pick you up, and then hopefully we don’t die, and then we’ll come back here. Well, not here. We’ll probably go back to that beach planet. It seemed pretty nice, and also your ship is there, so you’ll need that.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm! Yes.”

NICK: “Questions, comments, concerns?”

CAMERON: “Who are we picking up?”

LAURA: “Exactly.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. Pretty sure Sentinel told you, didn’t he?”

CAMERON: I didn’t write it down, so I’m gonna say no. [laughs]

NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: Karma is a very diligent note taker and would have written it down if Sentinel had told us.

NICK: I have recorded evidence of Cameron going ‘we’re gonna focus just on these beach episodes for now, you re-explain it later.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway. “Oh yeah, I guess that would be important. So, you’re supposed to be picking up some mercenary type, I heard. His name’s Neato. Surely you’ve heard of him, he’s pretty famous. Well, he was back in the day. I like to watch all those old war holos.”

HUDSON: “Magneto is fictional, and really old, too.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “No, not Magneto. That’s just a Jedi that can only work on metal for some reason.”

LAURA: “No, no, no. They did a new version and now he is kind of hot in a weird way.”

HUDSON: “Oh… I mean, your body can only be made so much of magnets before you’d get unattractive.”

LAURA: “I mean, you would think that, but…”

CAMERON: “You’d start repelling people.”

HUDSON: “Hmm. I know a lot of people are ‘attracted’ to Magneto.”

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: “Yes, that is a kink. It is a known thing, you know? People like what they like. Some people want a man covered in magnets.”

NICK: And some want the polar opposite.

CAMERON: [gasps]

HUDSON: [groans]

LAURA: Yes, {**17:20 a man’s feet covered in magnets.}

[laughter]

HUDSON: Keep that in.

NICK: [breathes] Ah… Tiny blushes again and spins around in his chair. “Anyway. Neato, he’s an orange Rodian, really handy with pretty much every kind of weapon and tactics, a war veteran. Strong, capable, for whoever you’re trying to recruit that would be a pretty good addition to the team. All I got was the name from Sentinel, but a lot of people know about him already. So, go find Neato, I guess.”

CAMERON: Do I know about him already?

NICK: Probably not. He’s not a bounty hunter or anything.

CAMERON: Can I google search him? We’re not in hyperspace right now. We stopped.

NICK: Yeah, you can google search him.

CAMERON: I’m gonna google search him. ‘Neato, mercenary’

NICK: Okay, so you get a lot of imagery. You get a lot of, they look like the old Star Wars posters where it’s Luke, dramatically, shirt open, holding the lightsaber and stuff, but it’s this orange Rodian with an eyepatch and scarred up battle armor standing on outcroppings with a disrupter rifle and a disrupter pistol in the other hand. In a lot of the images it seems in most situations that Neato ends up taking that dramatic pose at some point or another, but a lot of them there’s an attractive male of various species clinging to his leg and looking up at him hopefully, so he seems to usually find someone to hang out with in these adventures as well. A long career starting towards the end of the Clone Wars onward, so he’s a bit older.

LAURA: Would someone who maybe, I don’t know, to put this into more of a technical thing, had points in Underworld be able to know who they were?

NICK: A little, with Underworld. The weird thing is he’s kind of half underworld half not. I changed my mind. You have heard of Neato a little bit. Most of the stuff that he did happened towards the end of the Clone Wars or soon after and then he kind of dropped off. Usually, Neato filled the role that the green berets fill in the American military structure. You would pay this guy, drop him in somewhere, and his job was to teach a bunch of other people how to fight and just generally mess up whatever the political situation was. [chuckles] So, kind of a military advisor type, all around Resistance generator is kind of what he did.

LAURA: Cool, but mostly at the end of the Clone Wars?

NICK: Yeah, mostly at the end of the Clone Wars, not doing a lot now. Or, you could suppose that he either retired or that he was taking jobs further out of the way from a lot of common stuff.

LAURA: Oh yeah. I have heard of him. He is like super old, though.”

CAMERON: “He doesn’t look old in all this fan art.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “I mean, he was doing stuff in like the Clone Wars. I was like a baby then.”

CAMERON: “I was not.”

HUDSON: [laughs] “Are you saying that she’s experienced in age?”

LAURA: “Let me see.”

NICK: “Yeah, yeah, we were all babies at one point.”

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LAURA: So, Xianna was like 3 to 5 at the end of the Clone Wars, so that was slightly less than 20 years.

CAMERON: So Karma was like a teenager.

NICK: Yup. That was like the height of this guy’s career, so you can infer he’s probably like… between 45 and 60.

CAMERON: Cool.

NICK: Tiny cracks his knuckles and grabs onto the, I don’t know, steering yolk? They use yolks in Star Wars, don’t they? They use handles and junk. I don’t know.

HUDSON: They use the kind of joystick or game stick that you’d use on a Windows 98 to play that airplane game.

CAMERON: [laughing] Picture the old-school flying joysticks.

HUDSON: Yeah, flying simulator joysticks.

NICK: Yeah, for sure. “So, what else do you need to know before we drop in? Because we’re gonna start getting shot at pretty much as soon as we drop out of hyperspace again.”

CAMERON: “Does Neato know we’re coming? Has Sentinel had any contact with him at all? Do you know?”

NICK: “Um, I don’t…”

CAMERON: “He’s not great at explaining things to people.”

NICK: “Yeah, although he did tell us the last time, just kind of with no context that he was working on that and trying to be better about sharing information, which is why I know as much as I do.”

CAMERON: “Aw, guys, he listened to our feedback.”

NICK: “So, what are we…?”

CAMERON: “So, did you know if he knows that we’re coming or not?”

NICK: “I would say probably not. This place has been under siege for a couple of months from what I could figure out at least, so I don’t know if Sentinel’s been able to get any word in, but this guy is a mercenary, right? If he’s getting offered enough of a payout you should be fine.”

CAMERON: “Do you know what we’re supposed to offer him? Would it be roughly what we were supposed to promise the last person?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: “Okay, so 15,000.”

NICK: “I would assume that whoever you’re recruiting are all gonna be paid about the same, because if you pay one person a lot more than the others then they tend to, uh, kill each other.”

CAMERON: “Huh.”

NICK: “You know how it goes when two thirds of your crew just dies on some asteroid in the middle of nowhere on a normal day, just doing a routine handoff.”

LAURA: “No.”

HUDSON: “We only know about one fourth of our crew doing that.”

LAURA: “Yeah, one fourth.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

NICK: [painful laugh]

CAMERON: [painful laugh] Tink!

HUDSON: A tear rolls down my face.

LAURA: “I feel like 25% is pretty good.”

HUDSON: “Like it’s a good thing?”

NICK: “No, but it’s a good success rate.”

LAURA: “It’s a pretty good success rate. I have definitely been on missions that were, you know, two thirds failure. Never on an asteroid, so…”

NICK: “Well, I was, pretty recently actually. You may have been there.”

LAURA: “Was I?!”

CAMERON: [chuckles] “Yup.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay.”

NICK: “So, yeah, drop in, offer him enough money to recruit him… Ooh! One more thing. These drop pods will make it down through those shields with all of their specialized disrupter technology and everything, but if you activate a stratopack in the shield you will explode, when you hit the shield, because you won’t make it back through the other side. What you’re gonna have to do is get outside the shield at ground level. Now the problem with that is this planet has a really dangerous jungle everywhere that’s not settled, so you may have to hike through that for a while, so I would recommend you don’t draw too much Imperial attention because you don’t want to go through that jungle being actively pursued by the might of the Imperial army. That would be my suggestion.”

CAMERON: “This jungle, are the trees sentient?”

NICK: “What?!”

CAMERON: “Do you know? It’s just a standard procedure question.”

NICK: “No!”

CAMERON: “Okay. That’s good to know. I’ll just make a note of that.”

NICK: “What?”

LAURA: “That is something we have run into in the past.”

NICK: “What the hell are you talking about?”

LAURA: “The trees!”

CAMERON: “We were talking about vacations earlier. I do not recommend Unroola Dawn. But yeah, that’s a totally standard procedure question, just good to know.”

NICK: ‘Have you run into sentient trees before?”

LAURA: “I just said that!”

CAMERON: “Mm, yeah.”

NICK: “I just am still trying to process it. Who—What?!”

CAMERON: “It’s terrifying.”

NICK: “I would imagine so. We should just bomb that planet from orbit. No one should go there.”

HUDSON: “Well, why would we do that?”

NICK: “What, bomb a planet from orbit?”

HUDSON: “No, bomb that one.”

CAMERON: “Aw, you can’t just ignore his pun like that.” [laughs]

NICK: Oh…

HUDSON: [laughs] Did you really ignore it?

CAMERON: Nicholas, that’s so rude. That’s not even Tiny.

NICK: I couldn’t—I didn’t catch it. Anyway. “So, what else do you need to know?”

CAMERON: “Do you know how we’re supposed to track him down, or do we just look for an orange Rodian and ask if he’s Neato?”

LAURA: ‘I mean, there can only be so many orange Rodians with an eyepatch who go by Neato.”

CAMERON: “But how big is this city that we’re talking about having to search through?”

NICK: “It’s a pretty big city. It has eight individual districts. It’s pretty big. It’s nestled by the side of a bay. I would assume, if Neato’s doing what Neato is famous for doing, that he’s probably entrenched with the local populous.”

CAMERON: “Standing on a rocky outcropping with a handsome, young…” I don’t know, let’s pick a race. I’ll just go with Selkath, because that’s what I normally go with, “…just clinging to his leg while he stands and stares off into the distance dreamily?”

NICK: “Yeah, potentially, or putting holes in Imperials. He does that a lot, too.”

CAMERON: “They’re not necessarily mutually exclusive. You can do both.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s fair. I would assume that if there’s any resistance still going on in this city Neato’s involved with it, so try to catch up with them? Also, my job is just to drop you off. I’m not really a tactics expert, so you all are gonna have to figure that part out.”

CAMERON: “That’s fine. I was just wondering, just trying to gather all of the information that you have.”

NICK: “Makes sense.”

CAMERON: “Because we haven’t asked enough questions in the past, and it has kind of come back to bite us.” [laughs]

LAURA: “He is an orange Rodian with an eyepatch named Neato. It cannot be that hard. Okay, are we ready to go?”

NICK: Tiny just nods and hits the hyperspace lever and you jump into space. HK grabs onto one of the support posts and Tink goes rolling down the floor towards the back. Tink, as you are kind of smooshed against the wall by your own inertia, one thing–

HUDSON: “Oof!”

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Good sound effect.

NICK: One thing that you would know, especially being a mechanical kind of guy, is that Star Wars ships have these things called inertial dampeners that make it so that you can do 100G turns and not feel them. This ship has inertial dampeners, or you’d be dead, but they are not turned up as high as they normally would be. Sometimes hotshot pilots dial it down so they can feel what’s going on with their ship. Shrug. That’s why you’re getting thrown around. That’s either damaged or turned down for some reason.

HUDSON: “WHOA~!”

[giggling]

NICK: As you are pressed up against the wall you can see into one of the drop pods, because the door has a little transparesteel window, and it looks very simple. It has a small joystick. It otherwise looks like just a solid tube with some light displays and a seat, and that’s it. For you it looks like it may be a bit of a tight fit, Tink, because it’s not very big.

HUDSON: “Hmm. This looks like a little bit of a tight fit. You got any bigger ones?”

CAMERON: “Can’t hear you, Tink!”

HUDSON: “You got any bigger–?! Ugh. The drop pod looks a bit tiny, Tiny! Do you got any bigger ones?!”

NICK: “No, they just kind of come in the one size. Also, hold on, because things are about to get—“ And you drop out of hyperspace and you go rolling.

HUDSON: ‘Oof!”

NICK: You all are able to see the star destroyer sitting above the planet Fygo. You see the star destroyer first, because you also immediately hear a proximity alert from the dashboard and see TIE fighters starting to pour out of the star destroyer. The planet is closer than you would expect someone to hyperspace jump to. It looks like Tiny jumped right up to the gravity well and then was thrown out of hyperspace rather than doing a normal jump. TIEs are coming at you, but you can see that the planet of Fygo is a pretty nondescript planet. It’s got two small continents and is otherwise just covered in blue oceans. You see a large, iridescent green bubble that extends all the way into space and is clearly visible. The star destroyer is floating over that and occasionally is shooting turbo laser fire at it, but it doesn’t seem to be doing anything. That’s basically all you get before Tiny immediately throws the ship into a barrel roll. [laughs] “Alright, you’re gonna wanna get into those drop pods right about—“ and the ship starts to shutter from taking TIE fire, “—right now.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “We didn’t mean to get this close.”

CAMERON: “While we’re loading these, Tiny, how do we contact you to tell you to come pick us up?”

NICK: “The stratopacks have a homing beacon. It will tell us.”

CAMERON: “Okay, it will tell you. So it’ll activate when we go up”

LAURA: “Will it tell where we are?”

NICK: “When you hit it, it will tell us you’re heading up. We’ll try to be there when you hit space.”

CAMERON: “Okay!” Climbing into a pod.

NICK: Yeah. Can I get Athletics checks from everybody to see how well you do climbing into this while the ship is flying all over the place and getting shot?

LAURA: Xianna was definitely gonna help Tink smoosh into it.

HUDSON: Yay. Blue die?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Because I only have three greens for this one.

CAMERON: One advantage. That is the saddest thing of dice…

HUDSON: One success.

LAURA: I rolled… nothing.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: Ho… Okay.

LAURA: Yup.

NICK: Okay! The shot is Tink, who was right by the drop pod, tries to get in and gets most of the way in but is having trouble getting settled, and Xianna, pretty agile, is able to skip across the floor and throws a shoulder into his back, and Tink settles in.

HUDSON: “Oof!”

NICK: The door slaps closed. Tink, you’re able to get in and kind of familiarize yourself with the controls a little bit before it’s time to actually drop. Xianna, after doing that, the ship inverts and you find yourself pretty far away from where you need to go and it takes you a long time to climb back into the drop pod. Karma, you have the same thing happen. You are able to get in just as Tiny says, “Alright, we’re ten seconds to drop,” and you realize you haven’t had time to actually look at how this thing controls at all.

CAMERON: I want to use my advantage to know how this thing controls at all.

NICK: So, you’ll know that, but the whole thing is because it took you that long you’re gonna have some minuses in a second here.

CAMERON: That’s fine, but I also have some pluses.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: [softly] I just, I have an advantage… It’s important to me.

NICK: Okay. You have fuzzy dice in your drop pod.

CAMERON: [gasps] Okay! Good. That is worth an advantage.

NICK: That’s your advantage. You have fuzzy dice. They look cool. Tiny says, “Alright, we’re dropping in four, three, two, one…”

CAMERON: “Bye~!”

NICK: “Hit the—Hit the button. Hit the button! Hit the button!”

CAMERON: I hit the button.

[action music starts]

NICK: Tink hits the drop button. Karma and Xianna, it takes you a second to see the ignite button, but then we get the cool Power Rangers thing of the divided screen of everybody in their command chairs hitting the button. HK says, “Adulation: I have always wanted to do this,” and hits the button, because he’s been sitting in it for a while.

CAMERON: Oh yeah.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Wait. Are we all in our own or are we all hitting separate buttons?

NICK: You’re all in your own. They are single person drop pods. Very important.

CAMERON: HK figured out that there were seatbelts in the drop pods so he went and got into one of those on the second hyperspace trip. [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] Yeah. You all drop, and you have a small durasteel window above you that’s in the door that closed over you, and you have a couple of screens right in front of your faces, and you drop. If you look up you can see the Tallahassee Quagmire just flying like a fly with vertigo, just all over the place, skipping off of stuff. [laughter] You see it hit the shield at one point and bounce off and it shoots sparks everywhere but the ship seems fine. When it does that, one of the TIE fighters impacts with the shield. You all go through the shield. There’s a lot of turbulence as you go through, but you are heading down towards the planet and you’re able to cycle through some external cameras, and you get a pretty good look at **Sart. You see it’s a generally square-shaped city. On the east side of the city, taking up a good chunk of what would be the square, is a bay and you can see what looks like five modified Imperial landing ships with basically giant cannons, like artillery pieces strapped to the back of them, periodically bombarding the city. There’s a lot of fires near the bay, but otherwise you can see it’s divided into neat zones, so you can see some factories and the housing area and a market and things like that. That’s about as much time as you have before… I need you all to make a Planetary: Piloting check, please.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Xianna and Karma, you have two black dice on this one.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Difficulty is gonna be hard. These things aren’t designed for agility or ease of use. They’re mostly just designed so that you don’t get smooshed.

CAMERON: I have nothing for Piloting.

HUDSON: Failure and a threat.

NICK: [forebodingly] Alright, we’ll see what happens…

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh no. One failure and three threats.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: My pod falls prone. [dramatic bass noise]

NICK: [smiling] Yeah. We’ll get to that.

LAURA: One threat.

NICK: You all failed?

CAMERON: Oh, we did so good.

HUDSON: [laughing] We crash into each other.

CAMERON: My yellow came up blank, which is just rude. [huffs]

NICK: Yeah, that’s not great. So, as you’re heading down, you aim for the middle of the city. I think that makes sense. You’re less likely to end up hitting the shield again or ending up anywhere that’s in trouble. You’re falling in a tight cluster of four drop pods, and as you’re going you all are looking at the external screens and trying to coordinate, and the systems are a little autonomous so that they’ve all marked the same landing point, because as the squad lands you want them to land together, and then your external cameras start to burn off in the atmosphere—which is not supposed to happen—and then one of the cameras focused on the bay sees one of those big artillery shells launch, and it’s this giant plasma bolt that’s a big sphere, and you can feel it vibrating the air and see clouds evaporating as it goes by, and that goes through your flight path. It doesn’t hit yours, but it creates this giant burst of turbulence and the pods all scatter. Nobody’s falling where they’re supposed to be falling. Everybody’s kind of thrown around. There is a spinning and a spiraling and nobody can see what’s going on, and you all crash to the ground, and all of you lose consciousness. There’s a loud bang and that ringing noise in your ears when there’s an explosion nearby… [smiling] and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

CAMERON: Great. [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: [drawn out] Diiing…

CAMERON: [confused laugh]

LAURA: I’m doing the ringing in the ears!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Oh! Momp. Momp.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 38 High Tea and Tight Spaces

PDF download: Episode 38 High Tea and Tight Spaces

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 38:
High Tea and Tight Spaces

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Okay. As this episode releases, we are currently at GenCon. Hopefully everything is going awesome and we’re recording our panel as well as recording an arc for the show with an awesome guest. If you are a Patron and you weren’t able to see us, reach out to us on Twitter or our Discord and we’d be happy to send you some of our GenCon stickers.

Music this week is Hustle by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 38 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. You are coming in at the tail end of about 20 minutes of us being distracted and not starting the episode, so let’s just keep that energy going, shall we?

LAURA: No.

NICK: No? Okay great.

CAMERON: Lies. Lies and slander.

NICK: [laughs] Well, we’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce your character, and if you spent any experience from the last time we played why don’t you just go ahead and let the listener know what you spent it on. We’re gonna start with Laura this time, because she interrupted me. Laura?

LAURA: Hi, I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, slash thief slash scoundrel… yeah. I got to another Dedication, so I now have a 5 in Cunning.

NICK: Oh wow. Okay. That’s good. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and aspiring medical doctor.

[laughter]

NICK: Did you spend any experience?

HUDSON: Yes. I have a lot of experience, because I’ve been hoarding it, however I didn’t really have a purpose until today when I figured out I wanted to do two things on my skill tree. I did Improved Defensive Slicing, which is Defensive Slicing now upgrades opponent’s difficulty once per rank of Defensive Slicing, this replaces the usual benefits, and Bypass Security, remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable a security device or open a locked door, which is super valuable to me. I also upped my Computers skill to Level 4, because I needed that of course.

[laughter]

NICK: Great. Sounds good. Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I bought one talent on my Skip Tracer tree, and it is Hard Boiled, which I already had one rank of so now I believe I have two ranks in it. When I’m recovering strain after an encounter I can spend advantages up to ranks in Hard Boiled to recover 1 wound per advantage.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the recap and everything, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side!

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Hudson!

NICK: You were so close.

HUDSON: I know…

NICK: [laughs] Alright. Before we started recording, we were talking through what happened last time.

CAMERON: What did happen last time, Nick? [laughs]

NICK: So, here’s what I’ve got…

LAURA: [laughing] I’m still not entirely sure.

NICK: [smiling] yeah… Last time the crew managed to transfer their bill to an Imperial account so that they didn’t have to pay for their stay at the resort. They chased down a thief named Isaac **Vars who was working for the Black Sun, supposedly under duress, and had stolen the outlaw data breaker from Tink. You got into a gunfight in a tiki bar taking out several gang members. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Karma and Xianna kept sending love interests each other’s way, during their fun bar time.

LAURA: Xianna has a girlfriend now!

NICK: Xianna has a girlfriend. That’s very good. You took a gun from someone and put it in your mom bag, Karma.

CAMERON: Yes. I think we kept Isaac’s blaster. I have an unconscious Black Sun lady, and unconscious Black Sun—I almost said Gigoran, they’re not Gigoran—Gamorrean, and then another one that’s dead.

NICK: Yup, so a nice, relaxing vacation for everybody, I guess.

CAMERON: And we ruined the tiki bar. [laughs]

NICK: It’s a little shot up. Honestly, you had a lot less collateral damage than I was expecting. I was like, I’m gonna spend all my threats on you destroying this place, and you didn’t actually have that many for me to play with, so good job all of you.

HUDSON: All-inclusive means all-inclusive. [laughter] That’s all I have to say. We are not getting charged for this.

CAMERON: We saved everyone.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Our bartender friend knows. **Gangem knows.

NICK: **Gangem knows. If only there was something you might need, like, a discount for, or something like that.

CAMERON: Yeah. I don’t want to give the Imperials a discount.

LAURA: yeah, we don’t need a discount anymore. Isn’t Falx paying for it?

NICK: Someone’s paying for it.

CAMERON: The account that used to be Falx’s is paying for it.

LAURA: The account formerly known as Falx’s account.

HUDSON: Yeah, because we’re not sure if he’s alive.

LAURA: Are we?

NICK: No, we had this conversation last episode, or two episodes ago.

CAMERON: I don’t remember~

LAURA: He’s both alive and dead.

NICK: Yes, it’s Schrödinger’s Falx. You all are not sure. The last you saw him he was getting chased by an Imperial Inspector, and you met Mills, and Mills didn’t know. So yeah, it’s just kind of a nebulous… who knows, going on.

CAMERON: It’s a mystery.

NICK: So, let’s jump into it. How about that? Sound good?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Sure.

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: We open on the idyllic city of Thrinaka nestled in the gorgeous tropical seas of the planet Sesid. You haven’t been at this resort very long, but you have made your impression. Everyone name one way that the place has visibly changed since the crew arrived.

CAMERON: Besides the tiki bar?

NICK: Besides the tiki bar.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Oh. There’s a big holo-photo in one of the hallways that says “Volleyball Tournament Champions,” whatever year it is, of us.

CAMERON: With all of us holding our mug, with Nugget on fosh’s stepstool. John’s not in the picture.

NICK: The year is -1 BBY, which is really weird because if it’s BBY you don’t know.

CAMERON: [laughs] How did they tell time, then?

LAURA: There is an actual calendar, but…

NICK: There’s a Republic calendar, but who cares. It doesn’t matter. Also, technically, in the original trilogy there’s no way to tell how much time passes within movies or even within scenes, so there’s a lot of debate about that. Doesn’t matter. Anyway. Okay, so there’s a hall of fame championship photo. It’s very apparent from the photo that your team took it a lot more seriously than the other people who won. A lot of those teams have small children or they look impatient to get off. Someone has a bottle of champagne they’re spraying everywhere in your photo, probably Tink, spraying everybody with champagne. It’s very good. What else we got?

HUDSON: I have this special chair that’s by the pool that it kind of just pans over to, and it’s one of those pool side chairs that’s striped with plastic pieces and there’s an indent from me laying on it for a long period of time, and there’s hair kind of throughout the whole chair and on the ground, and no one’s bothered to clean it up yet. It’s just kind of gross, but I don’t see it that way. It just smells like wet Gigoran.

NICK: Which I think smells like popcorn.

HUDSON: I think it smells like wet dog, but a little sweeter.

CAMERON: I think we’ve established it smells like wet dog.

NICK: Yeah… What’s the animal that smells like popcorn on Earth?

CAMERON: Oh! They have giant eyes.

NICK: I thought for sure Laura would have that pull.

LAURA: Um!

CAMERON: I learned about them on Zoboomafoo!

NICK: Yeah, me too.

LAURA: Well, a beaver’s butt is vanilla, or raspberry..

NICK: What?!

HUDSON: Really?

LAURA: Yeah. There’s some beaver gland that vaguely smells like something and has been used for artificial flavors, I think.

CAMERON: It’s a binturong! It’s a bearcat!

NICK: Yeah, that’s it.

HUDSON: Ohh.

CAMERON: They smell like popcorn!

NICK: Okay, but Tink smells bad, and the chair smells bad.

CAMERON: Well, everyone just learned something from National Geographic. You’re welcome.

NICK: You’re welcome. Educational. Time to change which part of iTunes our podcast is on.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: We are an educational now!

HUDSON: [chuckles] We are an educational now.

NICK: We are an educational. She stands by what she said.

LAURA: Yeah.

CAMERON: I think on one side of the resort that had been previously undeveloped they’ve started construction on an adult sized slide complex that also has oil baths and stuff for droids.

NICK: Nice. I think next to the kiddy play pool area, the sign that says “You must be under 10 years of age” is scratched out and says “You must be this high” with a line, because one of the slides is broken and a weirdly Tink-shaped outline is blown through the side of one of the slides, and there’s a very grumpy looking Trandoshan lifeguard just shaking his head slowly at the broken slide.

HUDSON: So Xianna can go there most of the time, if you have to be that high.

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh gosh.

NICK: Yeah, potentially.

LAURA: Yep. That’s how that works.

NICK: So, it’s around lunch time yet again. What is everyone doing?

LAURA: Sleeping.

HUDSON: I’m eating a burger from the buffet.

NICK: Are you at the buffet or did you take it and walk off with it?

HUDSON: I’m at the buffet. I’m not fitting in the chair real well.

NICK: [chuckles]

CAMERON: Karma’s researching on the holonet to see where the closest bounty hunter office is.

NICK: I think that Thrinaka itself does not have a bounty office, but they will send a paddy wagon from a nearby facility to come and pick up a bounty if you say you’ve got one here.

CAMERON: Okay. We’ll say as we were going up to our room last night Karma stopped by the concierge desk to let them know that she needed a—

HUDSON: Wells Fargo wagon.

CAMERON: She needed a Wells Fargo wagon order.

LAURA: No… Don’t do this to me.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Because she had some bounties that she needed to hand off. And then she requested—they probably have a morgue, because shit happens while you’re on vacation, so we drop the dead guy off in the morgue.

NICK: It’s just the deep freezer where they keep all the ice cream.

CAMERON: Yeah, it’s fine.

HUDSON: [laughing] They probably have a morgue, like most all-inclusive resorts.

CAMERON: Exactly! You know.

NICK: Actually, to be fair, it would not surprise me if—maybe not an all-inclusive resort—but if a cruise ship didn’t have a couple of morgue drawers just in case.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure they do.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. Gotta put them somewhere.

CAMERON: So, same thing. They probably also have surgeons and stuff on staff, because it’s kind of remote and things go wrong, and then take the two still living Black Sun members up to our suite and just lock them up, still handcuffed. Get them some good breakfast, you know.

NICK: They’re handcuffed. We get a shot of the Gamorrean, still handcuffed, sitting in the hot tub in the spare bedroom just chilling out, and the leader of this group angrily standing by the door trying to figure out how to set an ambush for you all, and she’s verbally chewing out the Gamorrean for relaxing. “You know we’re going to go to jail, right? Can’t you help me break down this door?”

“Well, it’s pretty comfy, though. This is nice. Eat an omelet before it gets cold. They slid them under the door.”

So, that’s happening. We get a quick shot a little bit later in the day of a speeder with a large person carrier on the back, and a Dug and a Human jump out. Karma has her two captured prizes, I guess–

CAMERON: Bounties.

NICK: –bounties, out in front of—

CAMERON: Even if they’re bad guys, they’re not prizes to be won.

NICK: We watched Aladdin recently.

CAMERON: [giggling] Multiple times, in multiple different versions.

NICK: Too many times. Yeah, you’ve got your bounties and they’re being led in. The Dug says “Hey, I’m Wells, this is Fargo.”

CAMERON: [snickers] yeah!

NICK: “We can offer you 1,000 Credits for these two bounties. If you have proof of any others that you killed, we’ll take that too.”

CAMERON: “Oh, here you go.” She hands over the Black Sun patch that she put in her purse and then shows a picture of the dead guy on the morgue table.

NICK: “Fargo, go get the corpse out of the fridge, would you? I’ll watch these two.” So, they give you 1,000 Credits. Normally it would be more, but you’re not sure what these people’s rank were or really what the big job they were doing was, just the small one, and also you’re paying for delivery from Wells and Fargo, so that’s happening.

CAMERON: Eh, it’s fine.

NICK: Now, a small warning to you as a group. Imagine this is like a final save point in the video game where you save and it says ‘Are you sure you want to continue?’ If there’s anything you want to take care of on Sesid, now would be the time.

LAURA: How many health potions are lying around?

NICK: Like, four.

LAURA: How many jars are just on the floor?

NICK: It’s the standard double road at either side of the door.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: There’s extra ammunition, all of that. [laughing] Was there anything else you wanted to do on Sesid?

LAURA: Do the doors say ‘don’t dead, open inside’?

[laughter]

NICK: No, they don’t. They’re bigger than every other door you’ve seen this whole time and very clearly different, even though they don’t seem to lead anywhere important. There’s a glowing circle on the floor. You know, standard.

LAURA: It asks you if you really wanna open the door.

NICK: Yeah. Exactly that.

CAMERON: Check your party members.

HUDSON: [laughs] I go buy a pair of sunglasses that are SO extra. Can someone else describe the sunglasses?

[laughter]

LAURA: They are bright red, and they are that super elongated vintage cat eye, so they flair out on the outside. They have rhinestones all over them probably in some sort of shape as well, like they spell out ‘flirty.’

CAMERON: I think the front of them is the red, but I think the… earpieces?

NICK: Stands.

CAMERON: Stands?

NICK: The part that holds your glasses up is called a stand. I know this.

CAMERON: Nifty. They are an animal print, though.

NICK: And rhinestones.

CAMERON: Obviously the rhinestones continue, but they just switch to animal print.

HUDSON: These may never leave my face.

CAMERON: Good.

NICK: Heh. Wow. Okay. So are they like the overlarge movie starlet ones that flair out horn rim style, or are they like the big bug eye ones?

CAMERON: Cat eye.

LAURA: They flair out, yeah.

CAMERON: So not bug eye. Yeah.

NICK: So that’s what cat eye means. Okay.

HUDSON: Does Elton John have similar glasses?

NICK: Most likely.

LAURA: He just has many.

CAMERON: Elton John has everything glasses, so yes.

NICK: Heh. He simultaneously wears all types of sunglasses at the same time.

HUDSON: [singing] ‘I remember when rock was young—‘

NICK: That’s the song you choose?

LAURA: No, we’ll get sued!

[laughter]

HUDSON: Suddenly there’s a takedown notice on iTunes.

NICK: Okay. There wasn’t anything else you all wanted to do on your fancy resort planet?

CAMERON: [smiling] Is there anything else we wanted to do?

HUDSON: We’ve done a lot of things, y’all.

LAURA: Xianna keeps pushing to get matching tattoos, and I don’t think anyone takes her up on that.

NICK: Well, does anyone want matching tattoos?

HUDSON: I’m not feeling it.

CAMERON: You don’t want to get shaved for a tattoo? [laughs]

HUDSON: No. I’m just enjoying these glasses. I might have a mojito… that’s virgin.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Well yeah, you are seven years old.

NICK: So it’s Sprite and mint leaves?

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: Yuck.

LAURA: “But Tink, they can do one of those color injecting ones that goes into the hair. You don’t have to get shaved. Then your hair will grow in a fun color pattern.”

HUDSON: “Yeah…”

CAMERON: “Tink! You can get one of the hair wraps that they do with the embroidery threads. You’re the only one with hair. You need to do this for me.”

HUDSON: “Alright. No hair wraps. I might get the fur tatt. What is it called?”

LAURA: “Sure. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Fur tatt.”

LAURA: “A fur tatt.” A fur-tata!

NICK: Pretty sure a Furtat is an alien race.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Fur tatt. Alright, so I get a fur tatt.

NICK: Of what?

LAURA: Xianna did not have anything in mind when she said matching tattoos.

HUDSON: Yin and yang.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh no…” Not even Xianna gets that. She already has one that says The Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON: Karma gets some fun ocean motif stuff done in henna.

NICK: Like down her arm as a sleeve, or on her forehead?

CAMERON: Not on her forehead. [laughs] Probably a couple of head tails.

NICK: Cool. Yeah. I feel like you probably got one of your head tails with the colorful yarn wrap.

CAMERON: No.

NICK: No?

CAMERON: No. She looked at it seriously, but the amount of embroidery thread it would take to completely wrap the head tail was just gonna be too expensive, because they charge by the inch.

NICK: Makes sense.

CAMERON: Yup. And they were gonna charge more because it’s not just very small little loops of the thread, it would be nope, you’re going around a head tail, and that’s a little bit more excessive.

NICK: Okay. We’ve got a yin and yang tattoo, an ocean motif henna, Xianna does already have one that says The Afternoon Delight. Laura, does Xianna get another one?

LAURA: Xianna gets another one but doesn’t show anyone what it is, so that way I have time to think about what it will be.

CAMERON: Well yeah, because you have to put the bandage on it.

LAURA: Yeah. She just doesn’t show anyone.

NICK: Where does Tink get his tattoo?

HUDSON: Big Earl’s Parlor.

[laughter]

NICK: No, I meant like where on his body.

HUDSON: Oh! That’s a different question.

NICK: Is it on his shoulder, or his back, or the small of his back, or like a butt cheek?

HUDSON: Back, yeah, just middle back.

NICK: Okay, just a yin and yang there. Okay. Well, all our photos so far of Tink are the front, so that’s fine.

CAMERON: Can you see it with your battle axe on?

HUDSON: Yeah, because the strap isn’t super thick that it covers it up completely. It covers up part of it, but enough that you understand what it is.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: Cool. You got a cool symbol. We’ll have to come up with… It’s some Force symbology that I’m sure someone understands.

HUDSON: Not us.

NICK: Hopefully not. Okay, well, that’s enough of that. You push open the metaphorical door past the save point, and we cut to the landing pad. It’s basically an open parking lot with a small toll booth looking shack for an attendant in the middle, and the first cut that we see is of the board with all the inbound ships coming in. It’s got the flip letters that go through like the old school where they flip into the marquee for the new one, and one of the lines starts to spin. You see that it comes to Tallahassee Quagmire, and a ship comes in to land. The Tallahassee Quagmire lands at the pad. It’s a croissant-shaped ship. It looks pretty sleek. It has a few large, square boosters strapped to the back, and we see a pair of boots step onto the ramp, and that’s all we can see. You hear someone take a deep breath and say, “Let’s find our cargo, crew,” and we cut back away to everybody else who are all hanging out probably by the pool, I would imagine, now that you’ve turned in a bounty.

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Probably.

HUDSON: Yeah, that seems right.

CAMERON: We’re just waiting at this point. I think with the bounty Karma probably forgot to go check the parking lot this morning. She was distracted with ambushing the people who were trying to ambush her going into the guest bedroom.

LAURA: Xianna is doing an unofficial taste test of every frozen drink that the resort makes, so she probably has like 15 various frozen drinks around her on her little lounge chair in various states of frozen-ness depending on if she forgets about them or not.

NICK: Nice. I think, from the pool, is Karma just in one of the deck chairs sunbathing?

CAMERON: nah, Karma’s just underwater. You just see a green down there.

NICK: And Xianna’s sliding deeper and deeper into her water barstool as she goes through those. We get a shot over Xianna’s shoulder from the bartender’s perspective to that walkway that you first took to the main thing, and we see a short Human wearing smugglers’ gear and a Wookie walking up the path. You hear the Wookie make a Wookie noise, [all make noises] and the Human turns and says, “Well, I don’t know, we’re just here to pick someone up. Might as well go check in and say The Tallahassee Quagmire is here.” They’re walking by and gesturing at each other, and they walk into the main lobby. I think this is funnier if nobody from the crew notices.

CAMERON: I’m underwater.

LAURA: Like Xianna would notice even if they were talking about her.

HUDSON: I don’t notice at all.

NICK: [laughs] Tink doesn’t notice either. Okay.

CAMERON: Does Tink remember the name of the ship that we’re waiting for?

HUDSON: Nope.

NICK: So, we flash forward probably a couple hours and the crew of the Afternoon Delight heads back inside. You’re walking through the lobby, probably to go change clothes and relax. It’s gotten pretty hot, and it’s late afternoon. You see a short Human and a Wookie come out the elevator as you go in and they walk over to the reception desk. The short Human says, “Well, so, when things get charged to the room they get charged to the room, right, not to the ship? We’re on the Tallahassee Quagmire, but the room may not tie directly to the ship. We’re on contract right now.” They start having a conversation about that as you all walk onto the elevator.

CAMERON: I feel like Karma 100% recognizes Tiny when they walk past them.

LAURA: Karma would have to.

CAMERON: Because Karma just talked to this kid and decided not to kill him, like, a week and a half ago, maybe two weeks [laughs] and was giving mom advice and shit.

NICK: So then we get—

CAMERON: “Wait, that’s Tiny!”

NICK: The elevator closes and starts to go up to your penthouse suite.

LAURA: “Who?”

CAMERON: “Quiggle’s replacement.”

LAURA: “Who is Tiny?”

CAMERON: “Okay. So do you remember when Falx gave us that briefcase and it as an empty briefcase?”

LAURA: “Falx is not very tiny. He is like a fairly normal height.”

CAMERON: “No. Gosh. You drank too much. Anyway.”

LAURA: “I mean yes. Heh.”

CAMERON: “Which one won, by the way?”

LAURA: “Oh. It was frozen, and I think there was coconut in it, and maybe a fruit.”

CAMERON: “That is so descriptive.”

LAURA: “Because I think coconut is not technically a fruit. It is like a seed or something.”

NICK: “Observation: The pink one made her fall out of her chair.”

LAURA: “Yes, but that was not my favorite.”

CAMERON: “Does that mean it wins?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Okay. I’m not sure what the rules are.”

LAURA: “It was not as tasty. I was not really setting out, I just kept forgetting about drinks and then ordering new ones and then realized I was just getting all of them, so I decided to see which one was better. The one, it had coconut definitely, and a fruit, and it had pretty colors, and was swirly. There was an umbrella on the top. I want to say it had some sort of tropical name.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Yes. That one.”

CAMERON: “Alright… Cool. Anyway. Do you remember when Falx gave us the briefcase?”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay. And we took the briefcase to go meet with his friends on the asteroid, and then they were not his friends, and they tried to kill us?”

LAURA: “Oh yes, because the briefcase was empty.”

CAMERON: “Yes. The Tallahassee Quagmire is that ship that we met.”

LAURA: “Oh! Okay. Tink, do you remember this at all?”

HUDSON: “Eh…”

CAMERON: “Guys, this was like two weeks ago.”

LAURA: “It seems like it was much longer than just two weeks ago.”

CAMERON: “It really does.”

LAURA: “Was it even two weeks ago? Like a week and a half? How does time work? Heh.”

CAMERON: “I don’t know… I don’t know.”

NICK: “Defensive Statement: I was not here for that.”

CAMERON: “That’s true. You are excused from remembering this, HK.”

HUDSON: “I’m a little heat exhausted. I didn’t drink enough water. I don’t remember.”

CAMERON: Karma pulls out a bottle of water from her mom bag, and an orange.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Oh! Thank you. I won’t get scurvy.”

CAMERON: “That was my concern. So, Tiny was the kid that we decided not to kill, and I guess the Wookie was one of his other crew members because we killed everybody else who was there. It was called Quiggle’s Quagmire, I believe, and now it’s called Tallahassee Quagmire because Tiny wanted to keep the crew’s identity kind of stable but named it Tallahassee after his mom, I think.”

NICK: Ping! The elevator opens and you’re at your nice, big, open room with all of the hot tubs and heart-shaped beds. Also, every time you go in there they’ve refreshed the rose petals scattered everywhere, because it is the honeymoon suite. The camera zooms through the room and goes to where you were keeping the two Black Sun members prisoner and some of the walls are scratched up and dented where they tried to get out.

CAMERON: But as Tink said earlier, all-inclusive is all-inclusive.

HUDSON: That’s right.

NICK: [chuckles] Because he clearly read the 14 pages of the contract that he signed.

CAMERON: Yup.

HUDSON: I just took from the definition what the definition meant.

NICK: Yeah, so you’re back in the room now.

CAMERON: “Alright. Everybody pack up your stuff and we’ll head downstairs?”

LAURA: “Wait, why?”

CAMERON: “Because the ship’s here that we’re supposed to meet up with to leave.”

HUDSON: “Aww. Vacation’s over.”

LAURA: “Wait. Are we not on vacation?”

CAMERON: “We are. This is now the end of our vacation. Our vacation has come to a close.”

LAURA: “I was not given a 24 hour warning. That is how vacations work. You get like a warning ahead so that I know what to do.”

CAMERON: “Maybe there’s a hot tub on the Tallahassee Quagmire.”

LAURA: “Wait. Why are we going onto their ship?”

CAMERON: “Because they’re infiltrating us into wherever the hell we’re going next. I don’t remember! It’s been a while, Xianna! I don’t know how much of this plan we actually know.” [laughs]

LAURA: “But why can’t we just use our ship with our hot tub and whatever is living in and around the hot tub?”

HUDSON: “They’ll kind of notice that it’s our ship rather than a ship they like.”

CAMERON: “Tink has a very good point. Also, would you want our ship to get messed up?”

LAURA: “Ugh. Okay. I mean, I don’t really care.”

HUDSON: “Our ship isn’t all-inclusive. If it gets a dent…”

LAURA: “Is their ship all-inclusive?”

HUDSON: “To us.”

LAURA: [laughs]

CAMERON: “I mean, if you find it.” [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay fine. I will pack up. But I’m taking towels.”

NICK: [laughs] “Reminding Statement: Perhaps the crew of this new ship know what’s going on and you could ask them.”

LAURA: “I mean, I hope they do.”

CAMERON: “I know, but we’re not there yet, okay? And I’d like to put a little bit more clothes on before we go find them.”

HUDSON: “Don’t get onto HK. He’s just trying to help.”

CAMERON: “And I appreciate it.”

NICK: HK is staring at a wall.

CAMERON: “I don’t think he really cares.”

LAURA: “Fine. I will pack up my things, but I am not changing.”

CAMERON: “That’s fine.”

HUDSON: “I’m changing. I’m gonna get out of this swimsuit.”

CAMERON: You’re just gonna go back to being naked again? [laughs]

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: Okay. Tink changes out of his old-timey sailor suit that he’s been wearing for this whole thing that you don’t remember. Do you keep your sunglasses on?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Karma, do you put your space clothes back on?

CAMERON: I think they’re on the ship, because we changed into our swimsuits before we got off the ship.

NICK: Oh yeah, they probably are. You sure did. So, are you heading back to the ship then?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. The crew all heads to the ship. We get the clock wipe that just goes around and they step back off of the ship and they’re all wearing whatever clothes that they want to wear. Tink is wearing sunglasses, his backpack, his fanny pack, his weapons, and nothing else. Karma, are you wearing your armor and everything again?

CAMERON: Yeah. I’m back in my armor and stuff.

NICK: And Xianna, are you still in your strappy swimsuit?

LAURA: Yes, strappy swimsuit and sandals and sunglasses and big hat.

CAMERON: Did you add your blaster holster?

LAURA: Yes, just on top.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Did you bring your smuggler coat with you?

LAURA: Oh yeah, it’s all in a bag.

CAMERON: She’s got an overnight bag.

LAURA: Yeah. I have one of those oversized bags and it’s all in there. Stuff is sticking out of it so that you know I have clothes in there.

NICK: There’s a baguette.

LAURA: There is a baguette, so you know I went grocery shopping.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: Carrots with the leaves still on them hanging out. All of it.

NICK: So, basically, this is a thing for fan artists. We’ve got Xianna geared for war but still in a strappy, black bikini. That’s what’s going on?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s not really a bikini.

LAURA: It is like a one-piece, but it’s just strappy.

CAMERON: It is a one-piece, it’s just there’s a lot of holes, but it’s all connected.

NICK: Okay. Cool. So, you’re geared up for conflict, you’re standing in the parking lot, what do you do now?

LAURA: “I’m pretty sure I saw Creamsicle behind the refrigerator thing in the kitchenette area. Creamsicle is what I have named the loth-rat.”

CAMERON: “Alright. I was about to ask, although I was scared of that.”

LAURA: “They are like a nice orange color, so I named them Creamsicle. Yes. We have to keep them now, because I have named them. Yes.”

CAMERON: “Because it has a name… Yep, I remember that stage.”

NICK: “Observation: I could go and exterminate the rodent for you.”

LAURA: “No! Hank, you cannot kill Creamsicle.”

CAMERON: “It’s fine. I have a feeling that it’s not doing any damage.”

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “They are a good little floofy. Please don’t kill them.”

NICK: For a being that’s face is immovable metal, HK manages to look disappointed and puts his extremely large rifle back on his shoulder.

LAURA: “I’m sure you will get to kill someone later on in this mission.”

NICK: So, you’re geared up.

CAMERON: HK has his gun again.

NICK: HK has his gun. Yeah. HK is good to roll. You’re standing in this parking lot. We get a last wistful camera shot of the beautiful teal ocean, and the white sand, and a couple of the Draedan resort associates with their khaki capris and different colored polo shirts and they’re guiding some tourists along the beach. You can see on the landing board the Tallahassee Quagmire and what the parking location is, and it is across the parking lot from you but it’s pretty close. It’s a pretty large ship. It looks like it’s got some extra pieces that have been stuck to it since the last time you saw it. It’s carrying heavy cargo. But it’s parked nearby. You don’t think that Tiny and his Wookie friend are probably there since they were in the resort, so what do you do?

CAMERON: Close up the Afternoon Delight. (boop-bwoop!)

NICK: [laughs] Lock the ship. Okay.

HUDSON: Lock the ship.

CAMERON: [giggles] You know the one time I forget to say that Nick’s gonna fuck with our ship.

HUDSON: Yeah. We get completely everything stolen from the inside.

CAMERON: All of our popsicles just gone.

HUDSON: Ugh. I mean, I already ate them all.

LAURA: All my drugs.

NICK: I thought you had those with you.

LAURA: Well no, I keep some on the ship. I have 12 on me and 28 on the ship.

HUDSON: Gosh.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You have so much drugs.

LAURA: Also on the ship I have a camouflage set, a weird mask, some Twi’lek totems, a B&B cross-stitch that says something about ‘don’t steal towels,’ [laughter] a caf carafe…

NICK: Yes, so there’s plenty of things. Thank you for reminding me how much valuables you’re keeping on your ship. That’s good to know.

CAMERON: I believe Karma has a med kit on the ship.

NICK: Yeah. Well, that’s more like the ship has a med station now with the way you’ve been using it.

CAMERON: Yup. I believe that’s it.

LAURA: I mean, good luck to anyone who tries to find Xianna’s stuff in that room.

NICK: Yeah…

HUDSON: I look at the Tallahassee Quagmire, and I say “Ooh, I need to claim a bedroom,” and I start running toward it.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Wait, Tink.”

HUDSON: “What?”

CAMERON: “I think the captain is still in the hotel.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Well, they might have left it unlocked.”

CAMERON: “Ooh. That seems like a bad way to start a business relationship, especially since we started this first relationship with us all shooting at each other.”

HUDSON: “You’re right. You have a point there. Let’s go find them.”

LAURA: Is it unlocked?

NICK: I don’t know. Do you try to open it?

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna just keeps walking. “Well, I’m going to try it.”

NICK: Xianna, there’s a hand access panel. You press that. The main ramp doesn’t drop, but a small side door opens on another part of the ship.

LAURA: “See? It is open.”

CAMERON: “I’m gonna head back into the hotel and find Tiny.”

LAURA: “Okay, if that is what you want to do. Tink, come on.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

CAMERON: [laughs] “Alright HK, you’re with me.”

HUDSON: “To be fair, if you had a safe in the yard and that safe was unlocked, even though it’s a safe, you would want to go in there and steal the bedrooms that are in that safe and claim them for yourself.”

CAMERON: “I’m confused with your metaphor, but I’ll see y’all later.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I’m not even following that one.”

NICK: Okay. Xianna and Tink, you climb through the side door?

HUDSON: Yes.

LAURA: Yes. Heh.

NICK: It’s pretty dark in there. You climb in. Xianna, do you go first?

LAURA: Yeah. I have my scanner goggles.

NICK: Yeah. You slide your scanner goggles on and you realize there’s a blank wall in front of you, and about the time you do that the door behind you slams shut and you’re locked in a very small room with Tink.

LAURA: “Oh no, Tink. Tink, I think I made an oopsie.”

[laughter]

HUDSON: “Uh, yeah, this is quite the oopsie.”

LAURA: “Okay… Let me see if I can figure this out.”

NICK: [smiling] We’re gonna pan away from you two for a minute and we’re gonna cut to Karma. Karma, you get off of the parking lot and you hear the slide-whoosh of the door closing and all is quiet. You head back to the hotel.

CAMERON: Yeah, it seems fine. They probably closed the door themselves.

NICK: Yeah, probably.

CAMERON: They’d call if they were in trouble, surely.

NICK: [laughs] We get a quick cut over to Tink and Xianna working on it and Tink’s knee is somehow up in Xianna’s face. It’s like fitting two people in a phone booth. It’s just very tight. We cut back to karma walking into the hotel. How are you gonna track down Tiny?

CAMERON: With my tracking skills~!

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m an Expert Tracker. What does that do for me? [laughs]

NICK: I don’t know. [laughs]

CAMERON: I can remove a black die per rank of Expert Tracker from checks to find tracks or track targets and it takes me half the time to track my target.

NICK: I’m gonna say you’re probably not going to be tracking them with literal tracks. You’re probably talking to people.

CAMERON: Well yeah. That’s part of my Skip Tracer tree. I’m asking the front desk, who like us now because we spent a lot of money here.

NICK: Mm-hmm, but weirdly all the account information changed recently.

CAMERON: That’s fine. I don’t mention who I am. It’s all under Tink’s name. it’s fine.

NICK: So are you gonna roll Survival and try to track them?

CAMERON: I go over to the concierge stand and I make a reservation for the crew of the Tallahassee Quagmire at the restaurant in like half an hour, because I know that they’ll give courtesy calls up to the room to tell them that it’s time for their dinner reservation, or their lunch reservation depending on what time it is. What time is it?

NICK: It would be a very early dinner, but you can still make the reservation.

CAMERON: Okay. We’re having high tea then. They have high tea in there, and they now have a reservation, and I’m gonna go sit in there at the table and start drinking tea and eating scones.

NICK: Great. The person at the desk says, “Oh, that’s wonderful. If you could just scan your com that’s linked to your room then we can make that happen.”

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: So you scan the com that’s linked to your room?

CAMERON: No, I’m making the reservation for them.

NICK: Right. The way you do the reservations is by scanning the com.

CAMERON: No, because you’re looking at me, and I don’t want to do this. [laughs]

NICK: Well, you could try to talk her into just doing it manually. You’re just gonna have to, like…

CAMERON: “Just do it manually.”

NICK: …maybe charm them or something, some sort of roll here. We haven’t done a roll in like three sessions. [laughs]

CAMERON: What am I best at? … Can I do Piloting?

NICK: No~

[laughter]

HUDSON: Pilot your way around this one.

LAURA: Just metaphorically flying.

NICK: We’re sure flying by the seat of our pants now.

HUDSON: [air horn noises]

NICK: Thank you, Hudson.

CAMERON: “No, they asked me to make the reservation for them.”

NICK: Are you deceiving?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: “We were all at the pool together just now, but they had to run up to the room to change because, um, sand. You know how it is. It just gets everywhere, and I hate it so much.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. It’s coarse and rough.” Average.

CAMERON: Just one failure.

NICK: Just one failure. So, the person at the counter says, ‘I’m so sorry. The only way we can make the reservation is through the system. It’s to ensure that everyone is charged the correct amount to their rooms. You can understand wanting to be fair.”

CAMERON: “Yes, which is why I don’t want to use mine, because they’re paying for it, so it would need to be charged to their room.”

NICK: “I can tell that. I’m unfortunately unable to help. Why don’t you call them and just have them make the reservation from their room, if that’s where they are?”

CAMERON: “Ugh. Gah, this place is so insufferable.” Karma goes and leaves a bad review online for the hotel with just how unhelpful they are, and mentions Cassandra specifically because that was the name of the person at the desk.

NICK: The light in Cassandra’s eyes dies, but her smile does not flicker.

CAMERON: Karma just sits and stares at the elevator.

NICK: [laughs] We cut back to the other two locked in a small phone booth in the ship. What are you all doing?

LAURA: Can Xianna do some sort of Skulduggery type check to see if there’s any release buttons?

NICK: On the inside?

LAURA: On the inside. Or grates, or anything that might let them out.

NICK: You can sure try. This one’s going to be daunting though, because this is a room designed to catch people who try to go into the ship. So it’s doable, but it’s not easy, and you have a black die because Tink is all up in your business.

HUDSON: I’ll explain what I’m doing in a second.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

LAURA: Would this be considered a security device or locked door?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Okay, so then I can remove that black die with a Bypass Security that I have.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: How many is daunting?

CAMERON: Four.

LAURA: A complete wash.

NICK: Huh. I wasn’t expecting that. I think Xianna is able to touch every part of the panel, get every part of the small room, which is a fun… think anime style flash cut scenes of her and Tink being smooshed in different positions as she tries to get to everywhere, and it’s just a sealed box. You’re stuck real good. Tink, what are you up to?

HUDSON: I have my CryonCorp EnhanceScan, and I’m seeing if there are…

NICK: Motion sensors?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: …motion sensors, other scanners, or lifeforms.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Perception check, because I feel like this is going to take some skill to calibrate it for what you’re trying to do.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. That’s three purple.

HUDSON: Two successes and a disadvantage.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to see there is a motion sensor in this box, so they are tracking you, because you have a motion sensor-sensor. There is at least one more lifeform somewhere on the ship, like it’s in close proximity, but it doesn’t really seem to be moving. It’s just in one place. That’s pretty much what you can get out of the sensor.

HUDSON: So it could be a pet.

NICK: Potentially, or someone’s sleeping, or a very active plant. Hard to tell.

[snickering]

HUDSON: I hit the device. ‘This thing. Ugh.”

NICK: And it turns off, because canonically every time you hit it, it breaks for a little while.

LAURA: “Tink, I think we might just have to call Karma and get us out.”

HUDSON: “How many grenades do you think would reopen the door?”

LAURA: “I don’t have any grenades anymore, so—“

HUDSON: I pull out three.

[laughter]

LAURA: “Tink, we are way too small. This room is way too small for you to throw a grenade. Please do not.”

HUDSON: “We could fetal position in the corner. I’d protect you.”

LAURA: “No! I mean… I feel like you could probably protect me from like a single grenade blast, but then you might die. So, I mean, we could give it a shot if you are very confident.”

HUDSON: Ooh. What is my confidence level? “We should probably call karma, but you know, if that falls through I got these babies.”

LAURA: “Okay. You make the call.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Hey, uh… karma?”

NICK: Karma, your com starts to ring as an elevator door opens and you see Tiny and his Wookie compatriot walking through the lobby.

CAMERON: “HK, could you take that?” Karma transfers it to HK and then runs after Tiny.

NICK: “Answering Com: Hello.”

HUDSON: “Oh? Is this not Karma? Did I call the wrong number?”

NICK: “Explanatory Statement: Karma was too busy to answer your call. I am here instead. How can I help you?”

HUDSON: “Me and Xianna boarded the ship, and when we did that it trapped us into this small room that we can’t get out of.”

NICK: “Apologetic Statement: I forgot to ask who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is Tink.”

NICK: “Acknowledged, primary user. You are trapped in a small box?”

HUDSON: ‘yes.”

NICK: “How did that happen?”

HUDSON: “We tried to board the ship. The door behind us closed, and so did the walls around us.”

LAURA: “No, Tink, the walls were already there.”

HUDSON: “I’m just remembering a horror story. I don’t know.”

LAURA: “Ello, Hank.”

NICK: “Greetings, secondary user, Xianna. Boss Man, what assistance do you require?”

HUDSON: “Could you come out to the Tallahassee Quagmire, inspect the touchpad, and try to reopen the door? Oh! No. All you have to do is hit the touchpad.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Request acknowledged,” and then the com hangs up.

LAURA: “So do you think he’s actually going to come let us out?”

HUDSON: I call back.

[laughter]

NICK: Do you call Hank or Karma?

HUDSON: I call Hank.

NICK: Okay. It rings for a long time.

LAURA: “He’s not coming to get us…”

NICK: “Call acknowledged. Hello.”

HUDSON: “Oh, thank goodness. When you come to get us, make sure the door stays open after you hit the control pad, and if you’re still up there just make up an excuse, like tell Karma that you have to go to the little droid’s room.”

NICK: “Apologetic Statement: I forgot to ask who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is Boss Man.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: “Boss man acknowledged. I am heading to your location.” He hangs up again.

HUDSON: “I think were saved, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Okay.” Now they’re just smooshed in there. Xianna does reach into her bag and pulls out a big old frozen drink that just had the boba drink lid film on top and punches a straw in it. “Oh Tink, you want some?”

HUDSON: “Mm, is that alcoholic?”

LAURA: “Yes~”

HUDSON: I do my arms in a cross.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. Your loss.”

CAMERON: Tink takes out his orange.

HUDSON: Yeah, I start eating the orange.

NICK: Karma is approaching Tiny, and then HK gets her attention from where she left him in the lobby. “Deceptive Statement: I’ve been instructed to go to the little droid’s room.”

CAMERON: “HK, what’s actually going on?”

NICK: “Primary user acknowledged. The other two members of the crew have locked themselves in a tiny box.”

CAMERON: “Great. Okay. Delay any orders they gave. Just follow me. We’ll go deal with it with Tiny and we’ll get them out.”

NICK: “Disappointed sigh. I wanted to help them out of the Tiny box.”

CAMERON: “We’ll still give you credit. Fair?”

NICK: “We will leave them in the tiny box.”

CAMERON: “No. Wait. What?” [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “I’m not following your logic jumps.”

NICK: “Statement: We will do whatever you as primary user require.”

CAMERON: “Fantastic. For the moment, follow me.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: Continues after Tiny.

NICK: Okay. Tiny is at the maître d’s podium. “Hey, yeah, we asked somebody to make a reservation for us for high tea, but we never got the reminder that our reservation was coming up, so I don’t really know what’s going on there.”

CAMERON: Karma glares at Cassandra.

NICK: Cassandra is still dead-eyed and smiling brightly. She’s actually currently talking to another family that’s there, and they just seem really out of it and not listening to what she’s saying, and it’s just this really circular conversation about the pool’s hours. Cassandra’s just saying, “Well, the pool’s always open.”

“Right, I get that, but what time does the pool close?”

“But the pool’s always open.” So, Cassandra’s got her own problem going on.

CAMERON: I feel better having glared. “Excuse me, Captain Tiny?”

NICK: Before he turns around you see that it is indeed Tiny, the gunrunner from a long time ago podcast-wise, not very long ago real time-wise.

CAMERON: Like Episode 8 or 9? Right?

NICK: Yeah. He is 1.5 meters tall. He has dark hair. He has a very wide and dramatic hat on now with a feathery plume sticking out of it. He doesn’t appear overtly armed, but there are several places in his cool leather jacket and stuff where there could be hold out blasters hidden. “Actually, it’s Commodore Tiny.” He turns around. “Oh gosh! Oh, I remember you. Hi… Uh, did not expect to see you here, actually.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey. That’s kind of surprising, because we were sent here to see you!”

NICK: “Oh. Are you the cargo…?”

CAMERON: “yes.”

NICK: “You’re not supposed to be here for like another three days. We were kind of hoping to get a vacation in before this next job, actually.”

CAMERON: “I mean, we won’t say anything if you don’t say anything, if we just want to continue this beach party.”

NICK: The Wookie turns around and looks like he recognizes you. “Haaarn.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That’s what Wookies say. Wookies say harn. Read a book.

CAMERON: “Hey. It’s good to see you, too.”

NICK: “Well, I mean, if the job’s started we should probably keep on. The pay is honestly pretty good and we need it right now. Haven’t had a good couple of weeks. We were just about to do like a tea, like a late lunch. Did you want to join in on that one?”

CAMERON: “yes!”

NICK: Okay. [laughs] You all go and you sit and you have tea and it’s great.

CAMERON: “Oh hey, yeah, so um, you remember there were other folks on my crew the last time we ran into each other.”

NICK: “Oh yeah, you mean the people who shot everyone I’ve ever known, except for my buddy…” unnamed Wookie.

CAMERON: Yeah. What’s the Wookie’s name?

NICK: Um… Laura, help.

LAURA: Horn!

CAMERON: Horn. [laughs]

NICK: Horn. Yeah. Hornbacca. They’re all –bacca.

LAURA: Corenhorn!

NICK: [laughs] Corn-horn the Wookie! No.

LAURA: It’s spelled differently! It’s a very traditional Wookie name.

[laughter]

NICK: We’ll say, uh…

LAURA: Lumpy! It’s a very traditional Wookie name!

[laughter]

NICK: We’ll say Carn.

LAURA: Lobacca, also a traditional Wookie name.

NICK: That one actually is.

LAURA: They all actually are!

NICK: Yeah, I know… Carn. Carn the Wookie.

HUDSON: Carn Horn.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Carnhorn.

LAURA: His middle name is N.

HUDSON: Beep-beep.

NICK: Carn N Horn?

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: Ugh… Yeah, I forgot what I was saying.

[laughter]

CAMERON: “Yes, how they killed everyone you’ve ever known except for Carn here.”

NICK: “Yeah, those. So, they’re still around…?”

CAMERON: “Most of them. yes. We’ve unfortunately lost a crew member since then. Our fearless leader, Sabos, the Tagrutan—“

NICK: “Golly. What must that be like.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, well—”  It was a promotion. Shut up.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “We have lost Sabos. The rest of my crew is a little bit delicate. It would be very much appreciated if you didn’t bring up the fact that he was missing when we see them again.”

NICK: “I mean, I do kinda owe you for not killing me, and by pirate code you were well within your right. Alright, that’s fine. Ooh, could you pass those scones, please?”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, sure, here. Do you want the clotted cream?”

NICK: “Oh, absolutely.”

CAMERON: “Okay. The other piece, I believe the other two members of my crew have gotten themselves trapped on your ship.”

NICK: “Well, the only way they could have done that was if they tried to get into the ship without permission.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh.”

NICK: “Okay. Well… Wait. Isn’t one of them like a Gigoran?”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm.”

NICK: “Ooh. That’s gonna be tight. They might start running out of air, actually. It’s only designed for one person.” And we cut back to Tink and Xianna in their small phone booth.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [groans]

LAURA: Xianna’s probably passed out.

[laughter]

HUDSON: “Xianna, wake [heavy breath] up… Where’s HK?””

LAURA: “[startled] Wh-What?!”

HUDSON: “Where’s HK?”

LAURA: “Where is the cat?!”

HUDSON: “There’s no cat.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay. Never mind then. Um… What?”

HUDSON: “Alright. I’m gonna call HK again.” I call HK.

NICK: [laughs] “Acknowledged. Hello.”

HUDSON: “HK, where are you? Why haven’t you let us out?”

NICK: “I’m sorry, I forgot to request who this is. Who is this?”

HUDSON: “This is the Boss Man.”

NICK: “Boss Man, acknowledged.”

LAURA: “Ello Hank.”

NICK: “Greetings, Xianna. Your order was overwritten by another primary user.”

HUDSON: “I would like to override whatever the hell that means and… ugh, get us out of here.”

NICK: “Affirmative.” Com clicks off. “Deceptive Statement: I must visit the little droid’s room.” [laughter] HK steps up, throwing his chair backwards with a clatter.

CAMERON: “Okay. Can we go let them out of your ship?” This is happening right as Tiny made the comment of huh, that’s gonna be awkward, that’s only supposed to have one person in there, and then immediately after he finishes that statement HK stands up.

NICK: Yeah. Tiny says, “I don’t know. It sounds like your droid has to go to the little droid’s room. We should probably wait on him, right?”

CAMERON: “Did you not hear the deceptive statement at the start of it? This is the same thing they told me earlier when I decided it might do them some good to be trapped in a small room for a while to think about their choices, without realizing that they were gonna run out of air, so can we go let them out so that they can breathe?”

NICK: “Hey that’s kind of messed up. You just left them locked in a security protocol?”

CAMERON: “They got themselves locked in a security protocol. If you don’t teach children, they’ll never learn, Tiny.”

NICK: “This is in line with the only other interaction I’ve had with you where you taught me about life, at the end of a blaster. … Alright, yeah, let’s go.” They head off down the boardwalk. Tiny goes to the croissant-shaped ship, the Tallahassee Quagmire. Also, say croissant-shaped ship several times fast. That one’s hard.

CAMERON: That’s okay.

NICK: He goes to the main entry panel that you saw earlier and he doesn’t press that, and he presses a secret button up under the plating of the ship, and you go inside. It’s mostly open, like a majority of the ship is used for storage, except you can see a series of doors along one wall of the ship which correspond with the bulbous attachments on the outside. He walks over to one of those and hits a button, and we see Tink and Xianna just get dumped unceremoniously out of the small room that they were in and onto the floor of the ship. “Oh hey. Maybe you shouldn’t try to enter ships without permission.”

LAURA: “Oh hello. We thought it was just unlocked, so sorry.”

HUDSON: “I was trying to claim a bedroom, and… That’s my excuse.”

NICK: “Well, we don’t have bedrooms. This is a smuggling ship. We kind of just sleep in the captains’ chairs. Ships usually don’t have like comfortable accommodations. They’re for travel.”

HUDSON: “Oh, you’ve never been in our ship.”

LAURA: “Yeah. We have like eight bedrooms.”

CAMERON: ‘Alright. When we’re done with this mission you should come on vacation with us and just stay on our ship for a few days, because then you still get the break you need.”

LAURA: “We have a hot tub.”

NICK: “If you make it out of where we’re dropping you alive, then sure, we could make that happen, but I mean that is a pretty big if.” And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 37 Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

PDF download: Episode 37 Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 37:
Let’s Talk About Our Emojis

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode features a Patron-created NPC! Isaac **Vars the Human thief was created by Jose **Guerrero. Isaac gave me some really fun ways to drive the plot. Thanks for giving us an awesome NPC.

Okay squad mates, we will be at GenCon in like two weeks. Friday at 1 PM we’ll be doing a panel on gaming in an established canon, so swing on by and say hi. We’ll have custom Tabletop Squadron stickers. We’ll also be throwing a Tabletop Squad party Saturday night. If you’re in the area and want details reach out to the squad on Twitter or on our Discord and we can provide the info.

Music this week is **Deuces by Kevin MacLeod and **Le Grand Chase by Kevin MacLeod under Creative Commons 4.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 38 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m Nick, your host and game master. Welcome back. I said some funny stuff, but everyone said it was stupid so that’s cut now. [laughs] Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are, what character you’re playing, and that’s it, starting with Laura.

LAURA: I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan. You said that’s it, so that’s all I can say.

NICK: Roger that. Good copy. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: I’m Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo.

NICK: It’s weirding me out not hearing ‘the Twi’lek smuggler.’

CAMERON: I am not a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Well, I know, but Laura started it. Last but  not least we’ve got Hudson.

LAURA: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: [groans]

HUDSON: No~

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [musically, “rapping”] My name is Hudson and I’m here to say, I play Tink who’s a Gigoran slicer.

[groaning and laughter]

LAURA: Oh, that pains me.

CAMERON: Wow.

NICK: [in kind] I play Tink the Gigoran every day.

HUDSON: Nope, just a slicer.

LAURA: Can we not do the drug PSA from middle school where they really try to be cool and they’re not?

HUDSON: [beatboxes for Nick]

NICK: My name’s Tink and I’m here to say, keep the straight edge, don’t do drugs today.

HUDSON: Hey!

CAMERON: Hey~!

LAURA: I think I’m immediately gonna go do drugs.

[laughter]

NICK: Alright. Let’s start off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: ‘One dark side.’

NICK: Ha-ha-ha!

LAURA: Oh no.

HUDSON: ‘Play it again.’

[laughter]

LAURA: ‘Play it again, Sam.’

NICK: [laughing] Why?!

LAURA: I don’t know! Just imagine all sorts of movies but remove the actors and put in Palpatine?

NICK: ‘Look at this stuff. Isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?’

LAURA: Yes. Heh.

NICK: Anyway.

CAMERON: Wouldn’t you _think_ my collection’s complete.

NICK: Look, I’m a Sith Lord…

CAMERON: Come on, Palpatine.

NICK: …not a music lyricist.

LAURA: They have to change it to be distinct. They’re not allowed to use it exactly as it is.

CAMERON: But it’s still Disney!

LAURA: yeah! But they’re doing a remake and they don’t want it to be too similar, so they just change up a few things here and there.

NICK: Even though the trailer is a shot-for-shot recreation of the original.

CAMERON: They still put Palpatine in the red wig, right? And the seashell bra?

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: ‘Unlimited legs!’

LAURA: That’s starting to get into more of a Maul situation.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Oh yeah, that’s true.

CAMERON: We were gonna do a podcast, right?

NICK: Oh yeah.

LAURA: If anyone in the Star Wars universe is gonna play Ariel it would be Maul because of the trash.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: She collects trash. He is trash.

CAMERON: And the legs.

NICK: yeah.

LAURA: And the legs. It’s perfect.

NICK: So, anyway, Star Wars podcast. Well, we were technically talking about Star Wars. So, last time when we left off a couple of things happened. You decided to skip out on your bill for your resort. Tink and HK went to go and hack the accounting database. HK did not distract the AI at all, he just stood there quietly the whole time. I think he got cold feet. Karma and Xianna went tiki bar hopping looking for a bartender but mostly just wingmanning for each other without ever having talked about that’s what they were gonna do. So, they got to do that. Xianna was flirting with people while texting emojis to hopefully Nolaa, question mark?

LAURA: Shrug. Heh.

NICK: And then Isaac **Vars, the one-armed pickpocket stole Tink’s data breaker and sprinted off down the hallway, and that’s where the episode ended. Am I missing anything?

LAURA: Oh. You missed the very important chip and dip hat, that Tink now has a chip and dip hat.

NICK: In the room.

LAURA: Xianna ordered a lot of stuff to the room.

NICK: The room that’s no longer under y’all’s name.

LAURA: Well no, it’s still in our name, just the bill is being sent somewhere else.

CAMERON: Yeah. It’s under his credit card.

NICK: Hmm. Hmm… Okay. Yup. We’re gonna pan up. The camera does the found footage shaky cam thing and you hear someone breathing heavily, and it pans out to show Isaac **Vars, a short, tanned Human teenager with an undercut and one arm clutching desperately to a data breaker that he has tucked into his shirt as HK is chasing him down the hallway, and Tink is struggling to stand up from where he is currently prone. We’re gonna cut away from that, because why would that be interesting, and we’re gonna touch base with Xianna and Karma who are currently flirting with… Karma had a—

LAURA: Buff Bothan.

NICK: A super buff Bothan lady, and Xianna had a Zabrak male with red skin and black tattoos who is wearing a skirt that obscured his legs.

CAMERON: Yeah, the grass skirt.

NICK: Yup, a grass skirt. I think you all are probably positioned near each other on the bar at this point, you’ve gotten close, and the Bothan is talking to Karma. “So, you just look like you wanted some company.”

CAMERON: “Oh, that’s sweet. How are you enjoying your trip?”

NICK: “Oh, it’s great, you know, just really been looking for some companionship,” and she gives you a big smile.

LAURA: Xianna leans over down the bar and gives a big thumbs up and winks. [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma gives a very confused look to Xianna.

LAURA: Xianna starts making some hand gestures that we cannot say on the podcast.

CAMERON: Karma understands. [laughs]

NICK: The male Zabrak sees the hand gestures and goes, “Alright, is that what we’re talking about? I love a woman who gets to the point.”

LAURA: “Oh no, sorry, that was not for you. That was for my friend down the way.”

NICK: “Oh. You’re like in an open relationship kind of situation then.”

LAURA: “I mean, I’m not actually entirely sure where my relationship status is at the moment. I am waiting on a com message, not with the Nautolan, with someone else. The Nautolan I would say—oh, I had this conversation with someone else earlier, about am I more of a friend or a… At this point she seems kind of more like that aunt of yours who, like, kind of is your friend but not really your friend because they are still an older relative of yours.”

NICK: “Uh-huh. Uh-huh.”

LAURA: “So, I mean, at least work acquaintance. And we do live together, separate bedrooms. But can you hold on a moment?” She starts scrolling through her com, seeing if she’s got any new messages.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: He pounds a full tiki drink and smacks it on the bar. “Sure, I’ve got all night.” You have a com message from the second number you tried that’s an equal amount of peach emojis back and then the Sabacc suits in order, which those are emojis too.

LAURA: Okay. What would be…? Xianna sends, like… Oh! So in Star Wars, do you think there’s even more of the people emojis in different colors and species?

CAMERON: There would have to be.

LAURA: There would have to be. There’s definitely the dancing woman, but a Twi’lek.

NICK: Oh yeah, for sure.

LAURA: So she sends an emoji that’s a woman holding her hand out that you can pair with the dancing woman emoji so it makes it look like they’re holding hands, question mark, send.

NICK: There’s like a 30 second delay and then you get a call, and it’s a little crackly because it’s a long distance com, but you hear Nolaa’s voice go, “Why are we talking in emojis?”

LAURA: “Oh, um—“

NICK: [Zabrak] “Hey, is this call gonna take a while? Because—“

LAURA: “Okay! Can you hold on a moment? Okay. You hold on a moment. You finish my drink. I don’t like it anyways. You have it.”

NICK: [Nolaa] “Well, I’m not gonna be able to finish your drink through the com, silly.”

LAURA: “This is important! Okay. So anyways. Back to you.” And she’s like on the com, and she’s looking away from the guy.

[laughter]

NICK: “A little rude, but whatever.”

LAURA: “So, I just usually send messages in emojis. It is faster for me at this point. Um…”

NICK: “Well, I get that.”

LAURA: “Also, I’m not great at writing and typing in Basic. Also, I am now realizing you are another Twi’lek so I could actually speak to you in our native tongue and it would be okay, because I do know how to read and write that. Basic though sometimes is a little confusing, so emojis are faster for me. Anyways.”

NICK: ‘I get that. It just seems kind of like regressing to hieroglyphics, and we have like a written language, and also this amazing technology, like we’re having a conversation now.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yeah, I know, but if I am messaging other people who are not Twi’leks and do not speak any Twi’lek languages it is often much, much faster for me to just send a few emojis than try to type out sentences, and Karma gets upset if you don’t put periods and punctuation in your messages, so who has time for a comma? I don’t even—“ [laughter] “I have no idea what an Oxford comma is, but I definitely do not use it, and I feel like they do not appreciate putting apostrophes in the middle of words to keep the one word but also make it two different words that are funny. She does not appreciate that, so I do emojis.”

NICK: “Wait, hang on. Not to stop you there, but an Oxford comma is to differentiate between things on a list so that you can tell that they’re three separate items, because otherwise if you leave it out the ‘and’ consolidates them into two things. I do a lot of negotiations and it’s really important that that’s very clear.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yeah. There was a message—I’m not going to get into exactly what the message was—but apparently the lack of comma implied some things I was not intending to imply.”

NICK: “So, did you mean to put a comma between the Twi’lek emoji and the dancing Twi’lek emoji?”

LAURA: “Yes…”

NICK: “This is why I called. So, what you’re saying is—“

LAURA: “Well no, I did not intend to put a comma between the emojis I sent You. I was asking if you want to be my girlfriend.”

NICK: “Oh. …”

LAURA: “Because for whatever reason, tonight specifically, a lot of people keep coming and hitting on me at the bar and I’m just like not entirely sure where we are at.”

NICK: “Well honey, have you seen you?”

LAURA: “I am in a swimsuit… and I am now realizing that the swimsuit pics I sent earlier were to a different com number that I thought was yours. It is not. I don’t know who that was. I will resend them.”

NICK: “Yes please.”

LAURA: “Because I am in a swimsuit, so… maybe that is why.”

NICK: “Hey, hey, so send those, give me one second…” and you hear some blaster fire in the background. You hear, “I am on a call!” Pew-pew-pew!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: [laughing] While that is happening, Xianna hands her com to the Zabrak and is like, “Okay. Can you take a photo for me real quick? Thank you,” and then does some poses and is doing an over the shoulder sexy pose, and then an in the front pose, she does the **make it fashion Tyra pose, a few different poses.

NICK: [laughs] So, he’s taking pictures with it. “Wait, wait, the lighting here is not good. You can’t see the straps on the back and I know that you paid a lot for that designer outfit. Here, let’s come over here a little bit. Turn a little more that way.”

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: “Ooh, sweetie, no. Tuck in your abs just a little more.”

LAURA: “Okay, okay. Yes. Smeyes.”

NICK: “Head a little more to the right.”

LAURA: “Okay. Smeyes~!”

NICK: “There! Got it. Nice!”

[chuckling]

LAURA: “Okay, thank you.” She takes it back.

NICK: “Wait a minute…”

LAURA: Sends a bunch of them to Nolaa.

NICK: “I haven’t given you my number yet to send those to me.”

LAURA: “Okay. Can you go write it down?”

NICK: “Or I can just type it into your—“

LAURA: “Okay, but I’m on the com.” [laughs]

NICK: “You know, I’m getting really mixed signals here.”

LAURA: “Yeah, yeah. If you want to just wait like another minute I can give you an answer for whether or not I will accept your com number. You are currently on a waitlist.”

NICK: “Oh. You know, I really appreciate the clarity.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Yes. Heh.”

NICK: From the com that you’re holding away from your… hearing cone? Because you’re a Twi’lek.

LAURA: My ear cone!

NICK: Yeah, your ear cone. You hear, “Xianna?”

LAURA: “Oh, hello~”

NICK: “Okay. I lost you for a minute there. It sounded like you were talking to someone else.”

LAURA: “Well yes, again, we are at a bar, a tiki bar specifically, and people keep coming up and talking to me. I did send—“

NICK: [high whistle descending into explosion noise]

LAURA: “I did send the photos.”

NICK: “Oh. Hey, there they are. Ooh, whoa, they’re shooting through this crate. Hang on. [combat noises] Okay, I’m under cover—Ooh~ That’s a nice suit. Where did you get it?”

LAURA: “Yes. I have no idea.”

NICK: “Yeah, that makes sense. Wait, did you ask if you wanted to be my girlfriend? Is that where we were?”

LAURA: “I asked if you wanted to be my girlfriend.”

NICK: “Right. Yeah. There’s a tear gas in here. It’s making it hard for me to focus.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Tear gas is kind of difficult like that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that sounds good.”

LAURA: “The tear gas or the dating?”

NICK: “Yeah, both. That’s fine. Whatever.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “Were you talking like exclusive or…?”

LAURA: “I mean…”

NICK: “I just, I wanna know how serious you’re feeling about this right now before I say anything that might be awkward or make commitments to things I don’t understand. Hang on.. [Pew-pew-pew!] Why didn’t you reload the blaster ammo? Ugh. Toss me that knife.” You start just hearing wrestling noises over the phone.

LAURA: “Okay. You go write your com number on a napkin. Bring it back to me. I will put you on the list, then we can talk, because I think this is going to be a longer conversation than I initially anticipated. So just put your name, a description of you, and your com number.”

NICK: “Okay? I could just like text you a selfie.”

LAURA: “Again, I am using my com.”

NICK: “I—Fine.” He stomps off. You’re not sure if he’s gonna come back at this point.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut from that conversation for a second to Tink! Tink, you have gotten to your feet. The pickpocket Isaac **Vars has actually rolled around the corner. We’re gonna flip a dark side point that Hank did not catch him. You hear, “Halfhearted Exclamation: Oh no… Wait… Come back… I’m trying so hard to catch you.” And you just hear [droid noises] as Hank jogs down the hallway after him. What do you do?

HUDSON: “Faster, Hank! Faster!”

NICK: “Question: Are you coming with me or am I just doing this all by myself again?”

HUDSON: “I’m on my way!”

NICK: Okay. You go hauling out. Make me an Athletics check. This one’s gonna be average to try to catch up to this guy. You are currently running down the boardwalk. The shot is gorgeous. There’s the moonlit waters lapping up on the beach nearby.

HUDSON: Two failures and three advantages.

NICK: Well. So, HK is lit by the moonlight. You can see him ahead. “Exclamation: I am keeping track of your target. Anytime now.” He goes running off. You see Isaac **Vars go diving through a closed tiki bar and come out the other side. He’s wearing a bunch of different articles of clothing made out of straw and holding a drink in his hand and sunglasses and a light-up lei, and you see him just booking it down the beach, and HK continues after him at a gentle jog. “Exclamation: Love your style.” They’re headed off. You don’t catch up to him right away, but your advantages are he has not lost you, you just have not gained on him, as you’re running down the beach after your data breaker. We’re gonna cut back to the bar.

Karma, you’ve watched this whole conversation down the bar as the super buff Bothan is talking to you. “Well, you know, I had just really hoped that I was gonna cut loose on this vacation and maybe find someone who was just interested in having a good time, and I saw you come in…” She makes a like, do you get it hand gesture at Karma.

CAMERON: “Oh! … Yes. I see. I am flattered, thank you, but I don’t know. I just- So see, there’s just a whole lot of stuff that’s still kind of leftover, a hang-up from my kids’ dad and I’m still not exactly sure how I feel about all of that, and…”

NICK: “Oh… Well—“

CAMERON: “I have some stuff to work through that I’ve been putting off that I should probably start working on.”

NICK: “Oh. I came on kind of hard there. I just, it’s a vacation, I figured I’d take a shot, so…”

CAMERON: “No, no, I totally understand. This is all a me issue here.”

NICK: “So you have kids?!”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I do, actually. I have twin boys~”

NICK: [smiling] Okay, and we’re gonna cut back to Tink and HK and Isaac running down the beach.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: “Get him, Hank! Get him!”

NICK: “Statement: I am moving at the exact same velocity I was last time you proclaimed ‘get him.’” [droid noises] He’s doing the marathoner’s pace, so long strides, but he’s not so much a mover, you know? Make me another Athletics check. This time you can have a blue die, because you’re running in loose sand which would affect Isaac a lot more than it would affect you.

HUDSON: Is it average difficulty?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: With Tink’s big, squishy feet.

NICK: Yeah. He’s basically wearing snowshoes.

HUDSON: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Sweet. You catch up to HK and pass HK. Well, you should pass HK, but with those advantages, as you speed up and go past him he also speeds up to just be running next to you. You never really thought about it before, but going running with a droid is supremely frustrating because they don’t get tired, so you’re exerting energy and he’s basically just spending battery. It’s like a resource management thing for a droid. [laughs] So he’s still able to have a conversation while you’re starting to breathe heavily having run three quarters of a mile down the beach at this point. “Observation: When you sweat it makes your fur all clumpy.” He’s running with his head at a 90 degree angle just observing you while you run down the beach. You can see Isaac. He’s probably 60 meters ahead of you at this point. He turns a corner and starts running towards one of the bigger tiki bars that has spotlights above it and it’s blacklit and looks really cool from a distance.

HUDSON: [out of breath] “This is not the time to be talking about my fur clumping. Alright, we gotta catch up to Isaac… Ah, it’s so hot. Ugh…”

[laughter]

NICK: “Acknowledged.” You go off of the loose sand of the beach. The moonlight is shining down in those long rays that reflect off of everything. It’s quiet except for the ocean. It’s really nice if you weren’t sprinting after someone who stole one of your favorite gadgets.

We jump back into the bar. The male Zabrak says, “The name is Luam,” and he slides you a napkin with his com number.

LAURA: She’s like “uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. So…”

NICK: He turns and he walks off. “Time to start a new hunt,” and just walks off. He’s pretty much given up.

LAURA: She does put the number in her pocket. “Okay, so how about we are, uh, mostly exclusive, but we can still flirt with other people?”

NICK: “Well, I mean, you know me, I don’t think I could turn it off if I tried.”

LAURA: “That is why I say it, because I honestly do not know how to not quite often?”

NICK: “Tell me about it.”

LAURA: “So, mostly exclusive, flirting allowed. I might occasionally have to kiss people if it is part of the job.”

NICK: “Yeah. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. If I have to pretend marry anyone I will let you know first.”

NICK: “Yeah. Just so, you know, for tax reasons, we’ll just want to make sure that’s really clear. Okay.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Well, I mean, it is always under fake names and usually I am gone within like two days of signing the paperwork with the fake name. It’s usually some sort of insurance scam, but like, I’ll just let you know, because it’s not like I’m really getting married.”

NICK: “Okay. So, just because I want to be absolutely clear about what our boundaries are going into this, I haven’t been in a relationship for a while, but I had a lot of fun, and long distance really works for me because I’m really busy. We are exclusive but can kiss and flirt with other people as professional needs dictate.”

LAURA: “Yes, and fake marry other people as professional needs dictate, but you must alert the other person you are going to fake marry.”

NICK: “So, when you say alert, is this like a we call and need to talk situation or do we just have an emoji combination to say hey I’m getting fake married for a little while?”

LAURA: “I think maybe more of a talk so we can establish what can and cannot happen during the fake marriage.”

NICK: “Okay, I like that a lot. I’ve run into some pitfalls in the past with relationships of not having talked it through so I really appreciate that. You know, I think this is off to a really good start. [explosion, pew-pew-pew] Hey, um…”

LAURA: “Yeah?”

NICK: “This is great. Text me later, but my partner just detonated the stabilizer on the ship, so we’re gonna need to—“

LAURA: “Okay, so you have to go.”

NICK: “Yeah. We’re gonna need to go.” You hear her put her face away from the com. “Mark, you freaking idiot! What are you doing?” And then it hangs up.

LAURA: She’s like, “Okay~! Bye **mon shu shu. Uh… Oh, she hung up. Okay.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Karma!” Heh.

CAMERON: Karma and the Bothan are showing each other pictures of their kids on their phones.

NICK: “Not to judge your species or anything, but it’s kind of weird how they have like tadpole tails to start out with.”

CAMERON: “I know! Oh my gosh. It’s so strange, right?!”

NICK: “I mean, Bothans, when they’re little, they just walk on all fours and look like Simba from The Lion King.”

CAMERON: “Yours are so cute!”

LAURA: So cute.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Mine are so weird and like, ugh… I don’t know. They’re cute now.”

NICK: “Oh, well that’s good.”

CAMERON: “But they’re also no longer tadpoles.” [laughs]

NICK: “How old are they now?”

CAMERON: “So this is gonna date me a little bit, but they’re 21.” [laughs]

NICK: “Oh, okay, so like… What are they doing? Are they still in school?”

CAMERON: “No, they’re bounty hunters actually.”

NICK: “Wow.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “Okay. So they’re kinda dangerous, huh?”

CAMERON: “Yeah~ Well, I think that they would like to think that. It’s cute.”

NICK: The Bothan is showing off some photos on her com. “Well, so me and my partner aren’t really together anymore, but we did have a few kids. They’re a little younger than yours. They’re 17, 18…” You see Bothans and then a couple of **Kothar, which are like, for those of you who don’t know Star Wars, they’re lion people. They are kind of Bothans but more feline inspired. They’re very cool. “They’re all into sports, so they do a lot of sports, a lot of competitive hunting and a lot of gymnastics. It’s what they do, but here they are winning at everything.”

CAMERON: “Aw, that’s so cool~!”

NICK: “Yeah, the four of them are just best friends. They’re basically inseparable.”

CAMERON: “That is awesome. I love sibling relationships like that.”

NICK: At this point, karma and Xianna, you see this small Human teenager with cool curly hair and an undercut run into the bar at full speed and jump over the bar and duck behind the bartender. ‘Please don’t say anything.”

CAMERON: “Sure thing, kiddo.”

LAURA: “I cannot promise anything, but okay.”

NICK: The bartender just looks kind of confused then freezes, and then you see HK come into the bar at a pretty solid pace, and then you see Tink right behind him who leans over on his knees and is breathing heavily.

LAURA: “Oh. Hello, Hank~!”

NICK: HK broadcasts much louder than you’ve heard him before. “Announcement: We are hunting a fugitive.”

LAURA: “He’s over here!”

NICK: “Exclamation: Thank you.” And he starts to stalk towards the bar.

The Human sticks his head up over the bar and goes, “Man, this whole resort is full of narks.”

LAURA: “No, I’m sorry, Hank is with my crew so I have to tell him. It would be impolite to not tell another member of my crew that the person they are chasing is right there.”

CAMERON: “And I’m sorry, I am indeed a nark.”

LAURA: “She is actually a nark. I think that is what she is professionally. Anyways.” She looks at the bartender. “Can I get a Corellian **Vice, please?” Heh.

NICK: The bartender just kinda goes “uh, okay,” and starts making a drink. [chuckles] “You know, I’m actually pretty famous for my mojitos.”

LAURA: [whining] “No, I don’t want a mojito.”

CAMERON: “What’s your name?”

NICK: “Oh, I’m **Gangem.”

CAMERON: “[snaps] I need to talk to you after I grab the guy that’s behind your bar. Do you mind if I come over?”

NICK: “Yeah, knock yourself out.”

CAMERON: Okay. I hop over the bar.

NICK: At this point, Tink, from behind you someone says, “If you could excuse me for a second.” You feel a hand on your shoulder push you slightly to the side. This tall Human woman wearing a yellow jumpsuit with a Black Sun logo on it steps into the bar. “If everyone could please stay calm, we just have a friend that we need to pick up.” There’s two Gamorreans behind her holding vibro-axes wearing the same yellow jumpsuits with the Black Sun logos and they just completely fill the doorway.

LAURA: “Oh shit!” Xianna jumps behind the bar as well. [laughter] “I don’t know if the Black Sun still want me or not so I’m just going to join you down here. Hello. What is your name?”

CAMERON: What’s the Bothan’s name that I was talking to? Karma probably got it at some point in between.

NICK: My first thought was Cathy.

CAMERON: Okay. “Hey Cathy, can you hand me my bag?”

NICK: “Oh yeah. Sure. Are these friends of yours?”

CAMERON: “Thank you. The Black Sun members? No,” Karma says, taking her carbine out of her purse, because she had the big, mom beach bag with her blaster in the bottom of it that she’s been carrying around this whole time along with snacks.

NICK: Oh. Everyone’s behind the bar. Tink is standing in the midst of all these Black Sun people. Hank is approaching the bar. Isaac is behind the bar. There’s three Black Sun people. Isaac, who has his back pressed to the bar—

CAMERON: I think we have him in the middle of us, because I hopped down to be by him.

NICK: Sure. It’s Xianna, Isaac’s in the middle, and then Karma’s there. “Hey, I don’t really know how used to fire fights you guys are, but I’ll give you a blaster if you help me scare these people off so I can get out of here.” He sees that Karma’s holding a big carbine so he’s kind of focused on Xianna right now.

LAURA: “Karma? Did you in your giant bag put any of my blasters? No…?”

CAMERON: [laughing] “Nope! Sorry, I only grabbed mine. It was just for emergency situations. Tell you what kiddo, we’ll help you out if you give my friend your blaster and then you explain to us why the droid and Gigoran were chasing you.”

NICK: “Yeah. If you just help me get rid of Black Sun I’ll explain everything. I made a small mistake. It’s not a big deal. I just was trying to get through this in one piece, so if you help me here…” He pulls out just a light blaster from in his coat, and as he pulls it free with his one arm, because his other arm isn’t there, Xianna and Karma see a flash of what looks like an outlaw tech data breaker. Tink, would you have customized it at all? Do you have stickers on it or anything?

HUDSON: I have stickers on it.

CAMERON: [laughing] He has it engraved with his call sign.

HUDSON: It’s engraved with my call sign and has stickers.

NICK: You’ve got stickers. What are some of your stickers for?

HUDSON: Oh man, an Apple logo but with a bite taken out of it to be a little corny.

LAURA: You definitely have one that’s a dinosaur that says like ‘rawrXrawr.’

HUDSON: Yeah. There’s a dinosaur that says ‘rawrXrawr.’

CAMERON: That’s where our volleyball team name came from.

HUDSON: Bithcoin?

NICK: The Bithcoin logo.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And then there’s **Cob City Bitch. [laughter] Not gonna explain that one, that’s just the third sticker on there, and that’s all it can fit.

NICK: Okay. You all recognize what clearly looks like that.

CAMERON: Ohh…

NICK: But he nonchalantly tosses a light blaster to Xianna and he flicks his wrist and a hold out blaster is in his hand. The woman who’s clearly in charge of this small band of Black Sun says, “If you could just all get out from behind the bar, we’ll just be taking our compatriot and be leaving. No one needs to get hurt.”

CAMERON: “Hey **Gangem, duck.”

NICK: He ducks.

CAMERON: “Alright. Y’all, set your blasters to stun, because there’s a lot of drunk people in here and drunk people are stupid so they’re gonna get in your way. Try not to shoot the innocent drunk people. Okay?”

LAURA: “Okay.” Xianna picks up the blaster in her left hand and takes the drink that the bartender was making in her right and just starts drinking. “Okay.” She does not. [laughs]

HUDSON: Tink yells. “Xianna, Karma, what’s up, what are you all doing? Hey, can you get me a data breaker back from that Human that you’re with?”

NICK: [smiling] At this point the Black Sun Human looks at Tink, looks at the assassin droid that’s just standing there looking confused, and goes, “Oh, well I want to do this the easy way.” She draws a blaster and goes to fire. I’m gonna need Vigilance rolls from everybody~

HUDSON: Goes to fire at who? Just to fire?

NICK: Just to strafe the bar.

CAMERON: Karma has one success, four advantages.

LAURA: A triumph with a success.

HUDSON: Nothing.

[laughter]

NICK: For HK it is two yellows and a green.

CAMERON: A triumph, two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Roll me two yellows and a green again.

CAMERON: Three successes, two advantages.

NICK: And then roll me a yellow and a green for the Gamorreans.

CAMERON: A success and three advantages.

NICK: Oh, and Isaac I guess needs to go. Three greens for him. He’s not very vigilant, but he’s got a lot of willpower.

CAMERON: Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay! The order will be NPC slot, PC slot, Isaac, PC slot, PC slot, two Gamorreans, PC slot. Should be everybody. Before the combat starts, you have six advantages and two triumphs that you can spend on setting this scene a little bit if you want to move it to your advantage.

HUDSON: Can I dive behind the bar before they’re able to do anything so we’re all together?

NICK: Sure. We’ll say that as the Black Sun leader goes to strafe the bar some people see that someone’s drawn a gun in this tiki bar and people start to scream and mill around, and that gives you enough time to go and jump behind the bar.

LAURA: Can I use one of those things to say Xianna has already taken some impact? Because she’s celebrating, because she’s got a new girlfriend.

NICK: Yeah, that seems fair.

LAURA: So right before she got over she took some.

NICK: That’s like a triumph. I think that’s a fair use of a triumph.

CAMERON: One of the advantages should be as Tink gets behind the bar he grabs the knife that **Gangem’s been using to cut open the pineapples and stuff for the tiki drinks. He doesn’t have an axe but he at least has a blade.

NICK: It’s a paring knife. [laughs]

LAURA: Oh! They have a large cleaver, because they like—

CAMERON: For the coconuts.

LAURA: For the coconuts!

CAMERON: He’s got a machete for the coconuts.

LAURA: A machete for the coconuts!

NICK: Okay fine.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I have a machete. It is not electrified.

NICK: Nope. It’s just a big knife.

CAMERON: [smiling] It’s just a machete.

NICK: And also you made yourself move out of melee range, so that means if you want to go do that you gotta go back, but you got a knife at least.

HUDSON: Okay! Last advantage, I go back. [laughter] Just kidding.

NICK: I would suggest that you have all the people running around gives them some black dice to move and aim.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Because the bar just starts to lose their mess.

CAMERON: Yep. All of the drunk people are just being drunk and scared.

NICK: So, we get the cool **John Wick camera circle showing all the drunk people scared and running around. They’re filing out, they’ll be gone eventually, but right now they’re just kind of panicking in general. The four of you, Karma, Xianna, Tink, and Isaac, are behind the bar with your various weapons. We get everyone, in sequence, slapping their back up against the bar. We get Xianna with her carbine, Isaac with his hold out blaster, Xianna with Isaac’s light blaster—

LAURA: And a drink! Heh.

NICK: –and a drink, and Tink with a knife. [laughter] HK’s just kind of standing in the middle of the bar looking bored and uninterested. Up first is the leader. What she’s actually going to do is roll her shooting which will be a yellow and two greens. It’s gonna be average, and she’s just shooting at the bar. She’s trying to shatter a bunch of glass and do suppressing fire.

CAMERON: Does she have a black die for people?

NICK: Yeah. She has a black die for the people running around. She doesn’t really wanna shoot them, but she’s not super worried about it.

CAMERON: But she’s a gang member.

NICK: Yeah. She’s just kinda, you know.

CAMERON: Three successes, one threat.

NICK: Cool. She wasn’t shooting at anyone in particular, you were all behind cover, but what she’s actually going to do is shatter the mirror behind the bar. You hear **Gangem go “Aw man!” and he starts to crawl under the bar and out of the bar, because the back doesn’t really have a full wall. Everybody will have a black die on their first action, because you’re being showered in broken glass. Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I’m gonna take it as I have the big gun.

HUDSON: There are three Black Sun members?

NICK: Yep. It’s the cool lady with the jumpsuit and a pistol, and then two Gamorreans with vibro-axes that right now are essentially both trying to go through a door that’s too skinny for two of them to go side by side at the same time.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m gonna shoot one of the axe dudes, because they haven’t gone yet, so I get a blue die for Quick Strike.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.

NICK: What’s the total damage on that?

CAMERON: Well, let me see.

NICK: And you’re stunning them?

CAMERON: I’m stunning them. That’s 12 stun damage.

NICK: Phew. Okay, so you just straight drop one of them.

CAMERON: Ha-ha!

NICK: They’re both slamming into each other trying to get through the door, and you hear them like ‘hey, no, it’s my turn,’ ‘no, it’s my turn,’ ‘you went first last time,’ and then you hit one of them and he just collapses senselessly to the ground. ‘Hey…’

CAMERON: With  my advantage, I would like to give the dude a black die because his friend just fell and is now blocking the door, so he’s gonna have to get over him.

NICK: Yeah, that’s fair. That was a PC slot. It’s Isaac’s turn. He pops his head up over the bar. We’re gonna give him a green and a yellow to shoot. He’s not the bestest shooter, but he’s gonna aim because he’s smart.

CAMERON: Oh yeah. That’s a thing we can do. [laughs]

NICK: He’s gonna take a shot at the leader. “Vyra, you’re not gonna take me back again! I like it here. These people are nice. We’re friends now,” and he shoots.

CAMERON: Two advantages!

NICK: Two advantages. I think that Vyra ducks into the crowd, so she’ll have a black die the next time she goes, help me remember that. He’s like, “Man, it always pulls to the right.” We’ve been having a lot of Osmosis Jones on the internet lately, and that’s an Osmosis Jones quote.

HUDSON: I thought it was something about penises.

CAMERON: [giggling] That’s what I was thinking too. That’s why Hudson and I looked at each other.

NICK: [groans]

LAURA: I mean, I, yeah.

CAMERON: ‘Hmm. I see what Nick’s doing here.’

NICK: No~ Next up is another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna’s gonna take a big slurp from her straw. It is a twisty straw, but it’s a twisty straw that’s shaped into a pineapple, one of those themed twisty straws. The twist is a pineapple shape. This is all important things you need to know for the combat.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: She takes a big sip and then pops up, fires at the main woman… yeah.

NICK: Okay. You have a black die because of the shattered glass.

LAURA: Yes. What would the range be?

NICK: Medium.

CAMERON: You should aim.

LAURA: But I would like to move. Oh, I guess I have…

NICK: You could vault the bar and get closer to her. That would be cool. Yeah, you don’t have your filed sights, so a medium shot with you is normal.

LAURA: Yeah, a medium shot with me is normal, I don’t get those bonuses. I also have Jump Up. Getting up and down isn’t an issue. I will hop up, aim, and then shoot.

NICK: Okay. Is your gun on stun?

LAURA: No.

CAMERON: No, she did not turn hers to stun. [laughs]

LAURA: They all cancel out… Three successes! That will be 8 damage.

NICK: Eight damage. You graze her shoulder pretty deeply and she yelps and ducks behind a table. At this point everyone has started screaming in the bar and is just filtering out of the various doors. You see a big, buff surfer guy just go jumping through the window which doesn’t have any glass, and then you just hear ‘oof’ and there’s a little puff  of sand, then he stands up, brushes off, and runs off into the moonlight. People are starting to straight leave now. She is hit. She looks pissed. She is not down.

LAURA: Before Xianna pops back behind the bar, she does yell out, “Hank! You should shoot them! Please, thank you!”

NICK: “Observation: I do not currently have my weapon.”

LAURA: “Oh yes, punch them!” Heh.

NICK: He just does a very mechanical shrug, which is interesting because his shoulders shouldn’t be mobile, but you know, whatever.

HUDSON: [laughs] Does he have a lighter like **BB-8?

NICK: No. That would be cool, but he’s not a maintenance droid. That’s like a blowtorch, but he’s just super not designed for that.

CAMERON: We’ve created a Molotov cocktail. Light this, Hank!

NICK: So Hank, this has happened a couple times, his posture gets much more fluid for a second and looks a lot more organic and less uptight like he normally looks. “Look, I’ll see what I can do. Okay?” And then he starts to stalk towards Vyra.

CAMERON: “Did he sound weird to you?”

LAURA: “[straw slurp] Mm-hmm! A little.”

[laughter]

CAMERON: “Okay, just checking.”

LAURA: Doing my own foli work.

NICK: We have another PC slot. Hudson, do you wanna go next or do you want Hank to go next?

HUDSON: I’ll go next. So, I jump over the bar and go ‘hiyah!’

NICK: Heh, nice.

HUDSON: And dive towards them to knife them.

NICK: Are you going after the lady with the gun or the large Gamorrean in the doorway?

CAMERON: With the axe.

NICK: With the axe.

HUDSON: Large Gamorrean in the doorway with the axe.

NICK: That kind of sounded like Clue, didn’t it?

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: Okay. Jumping the bar and running through the bar is probably going to be two maneuvers so you’ll have to burn a strain to do that. I imagine you would still want to.

HUDSON: Yes, I would.

NICK: And then you get in close and you see the Gamorrean look up from his down friend and go, ‘Hey, we’re just looking for the one guy,” and then you stab him in the face apparently. Roll your attack.

CAMERON: ‘Tink, set your knife to stun!’

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I’m gonna say the glass showering down on you on the bar isn’t gonna apply to you because you’re no longer behind the bar, so you can just do a straight roll. You need two purples though.

HUDSON: Can I aim?

NICK: [laughs] No.

HUDSON: [laughs] I was just trying.

NICK: I like the idea, but negative.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

NICK: Well, you can roll on the crit chart, or this guy’s a mook, you can just take him down if you want.

HUDSON: Ooh. I think I want to roll on the crit chart for funzies.

LAURA: Just take him down!

HUDSON: Alright, I’ll take him down.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Your knife’ snot gonna do that much damage. Just take him down.

HUDSON: Yeah, it’s not gonna do too much.

NICK: Let’s play it fast and loose. What if, you can use the triumph to take him down and do you want to throw your knife at the lady that’s hiding behind the table? Just do a really cool action move?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay. How many successes do you have?

HUDSON: Total, two.

NICK: Two successes, your Brawn is 3, 5… Okay. You stab this Gamorrean in the chest. He goes “Hey…” and collapses to the ground, frothing blood, and then you turn and you see Hank stomping towards this last leader. She seems pretty into this fight, but her shoulder is pretty torn up from where Xianna shot her. Hank is getting shot at and the blaster bolts are going past him and he’s just ignoring them, and you throw your big old machete knife and it sticks into her side, and she falls back up against the table and she just puts her hand that’ snot holding the now gaping knife wound in her side up, tosses the gun away from her, and goes, “Alright. That’s it. I’m done. It’s over. Sorry.”

HUDSON: I take the vibro-axe, hand it to HK, and say, “You know what to do.” [laughter] And then execution style he slices it through her neck!

CAMERON: [laughing] Oh my god!

NICK: I’m gonna have to veto that one, amigo.

LAURA: Don’t listen to him. We’ve just been watching Game of Thrones, and you know, he’s real excited.

HUDSON: She yells, ‘**Dracaris!’

LAURA: [sadly] Hudson, don’t do that to me.

NICK: So, the one thing that does happen is, the Gamorreans are gone ,it’s the last PC slot, and it’s up to HK, and he’s now standing in front of her. “I walked all the way over here,” and just punches her in the face and knocks her out, and then shakes his hand out which is weird, and then straightens up and says, “Exclamation: Threat eliminated,” and then stands down. Everyone is now gone from this bar. It is just the three of you, and Hank, and Isaac, and an unconscious Gamorrean, and an unconscious Black Sun platoon leader, and a very dead Gamorrean.

LAURA: “Thank you, Hank~”

HUDSON: ‘Hey. What about my badass moves?”

LAURA: “You also were very good. Thank you.”

HUDSON: “Thank you.”

CAMERON: Karma sticks a hand down to Isaac to help him up.

NICK: He holsters his blaster and then grabs onto your hand. You do the macho grab each other by the forearms lift.

CAMERON: Yup. Pull him up, and then reach into his jacket and take the—

NICK: “Ehh! Yeah… I kinda figured that was gonna be done. You can’t blame a guy for trying. It was so cool.”

HUDSON: “Oh no, I can kriffin’ blame a guy for trying. Listen now. You’re the one who just made us have to turn this into a bloody carnage zone, all because you led us to your employers.”

CAMERON: Karma walks over, hands Tink his data breaker…

HUDSON: “Thank you. And another thing!”

CAMERON: …puts her gun into her purse, packs up. [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh wait! Wait, hold on. Was the Black Sun here for the Human?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Oh. Oh, okay.”

NICK: “Well, it’s a little late now, right? I guess we’ll just have to let me go. You know, I was captured against my will. They sort of pressganged me into this whole situation. I didn’t want to be a thief.”

CAMERON: Karma walks over to the leader, puts her in handcuffs, walks over to the Gamorrean who’s passed out, puts him in handcuffs, rips the badge off of the dead one, puts it in her purse.

NICK: [laughs]

LAURA: “Oh, okay. Being a thief is not necessarily a bad thing. So, um, if you just, you know, leave right now I will not tell Karma.”

NICK: “Cool… Yeah, I’ll just go ahead and take off. You know, I’m not saying being a thief is bad, but I’m reformed.” As he turns to go you see that there’s several wallets in his pockets and he’s wearing four watches right now. “But yeah, it’s been good.” He turns and starts to crawl under the bar and leave the same way the bartender did.

LAURA: “Okay bye~!” She waves.

CAMERON: “HK, can you hold her, please?” Hands over the leader.

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.” Goes over and picks up alive Gamorrean, starts dragging—

NICK: Yeah. I was gonna say, you’re probably not gonna just pick this dude up.

CAMERON: [laughing] No, just dragging him along behind me.

NICK: Tink, you were just yelling at this guy. Xianna said he could go and he’s just leaving.

HUDSON: “Why are we letting this guy go?!”

LAURA: “Oh wait! Do you need him for something?”

HUDSON: “I’m just pissed!”

CAMERON: “Sweetie, y’all go deal with that, okay?”

LAURA: “Don’t you have your data breaker back?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, but—“

LAURA: “So just let him go.”

HUDSON: “[huffs] Fine…”

CAMERON: “Tink, do you wanna grab the dead one?”

HUDSON: “Fine…”

LAURA: “Oh Karma, can I put this gun into your bag?”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, sure.”

LAURA: “Oh thank you.”

CAMERON: [laughing] He didn’t take it.

HUDSON: Can I keep the vibro-axe at least?

CAMERON: Buddy, you can have both of the vibro-axes.

HUDSON: [gasps] Dual-wield! Okay!

NICK: End of episode.

[CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

HUDSON: Forty points.

NICK: [snickers]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 36 Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

PDF download: Episode 36 Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 36:
Minor Fraud and Major Flirting

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First up, we have a new iTunes review. **BioZombie231, thank you for taking the time to tell others about the show. We really appreciate it, and we’re glad you’re excited for what comes next.

This episode features a Patron-created NPC! Isaac **Vars the Human thief was created by Jose **Guerrero. Thank you so much for your continued support, Jose, and I had a lot of fun playing as Isaac. Speaking of Patreon, we’re only $26 away from our next Patreon goal and we could use your help. Please consider supporting the show. The next tier will include us beginning to stream on a regular basis and will give me an excuse to buy X-Wing miniatures and probably a new board game. Give me an excuse to buy spaceships and support us on Patreon.

Additionally, we will be at GenCon in less than a month. Friday at 1 PM we’ll be doing a panel on Gaming in an Established Canon and we would love to see you there. We will also be throwing a Tabletop Squadron party Saturday night. If you’re in the area and want details reach out to the squad on Twitter or on our Discord and we can provide the info.

Music this week is Bach’s Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 Allegro by Advent Chamber Orchestra.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 36 of Tabletop Squadron. Spring is here, and it has sprung! And by that I mean—

HUDSON: What? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] What?!

NICK: I don’t know. I just… It’s like a thing… people say.

LAURA: I’m very confused.

CAMERON: Do you know when this episode is going to be going up?

NICK: Oh, like way after spring I’m sure.

CAMERON: Okay great. Cool.

NICK: Like, mid-summer is here and it has summed.

[dog barks, laughter]

LAURA: The dogs are upset.

CAMERON: Batman thought it was good.

NICK: Oh, Batman thought it was good. So, we’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves, say what character you’re playing today, and if you’ve spent any experience since the last time we played go ahead and let the folks at home know what you spent it on, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’m hoooarding my points.

LAURA: I thought you were gonna say you were hooorny.

HUDSON: [musically] I hooorny~ No.

NICK: Your points.

HUDSON: I’m horny my points.

[laughter]

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Horny for those points.

NICK: Great. Awesome. Glad that’s now entered our vernacular as a podcast. Great, thank you. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron and I am playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I did spend some points. I bought a talent on my Skiptracer tree, so I am now Nobody’s Fool!

NICK: What does that do?

CAMERON: I may upgrade the difficulty of incoming Charm, Coercion, or Deception checks once per rank of Nobody’s Fool!

NICK: You spent those experience points so that you could just say Nobody’s Fool, didn’t you?

CAMERON: [smiling] It’s almost as fun as Street Smarts!

NICK: [laughs] Great. Last up we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I bought another rank in Coordination, and then I also bought a new square on my talent tree, a new talent on my talent tree. It’s Toughened, and I gain a +2 on my wound threshold, and I need that.

NICK: That’s a very good idea.

LAURA: Yeah. I now have a 13 for my wound threshold. It’s an improvement.

NICK: That’s a lot better than the 9 you started with.

LAURA: Something like that.

NICK: Yeah. It was pretty low.

LAURA: I think it was 11. I think it’s 10 plus your Brawn and Brawn was 1.

NICK: That would do it.

LAURA: Tink has like 17, so…

HUDSON: Yup, 17.

NICK: That’s a lot. That’s like two people worth of… Anyway.

HUDSON: I’m a big’n.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: You’re a big boy.

NICK: Before we move onto the next thing, let’s do the Destiny Roll! Look at me for remembering all the steps.

CAMERON: I’m so proud of you~

NICK: Yeah!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

NICK: Alright. That starts us off with two dark side points and one light side point. That’s a small pool for the session. So, last time, what happened? You got into a volleyball tournament, you had to recruit some people, you found Web-Web for some reason, Web-Web did not want to play volleyball with you, you made a new friend who decided not to become your permanent friend…

CAMERON: [long heavy sigh]

NICK: …you won the volleyball tournament, you had secret pizza?

CAMERON: Yes.

HUDSON: At the volleyball tournament we met our…

CAMERON: The us from an alternate dimension.

HUDSON: The us from an alternate universe, yes.

NICK: Yeah, like the bizarro-world Afternoon Delight. Yeah.

HUDSON: Yes. Wasn’t it the Morning…?

LAURA: The Mourning Despair.

NICK: Yeah, I wrote that down too. [laughs] They will never come back. You will never see them again.

CAMERON: No, the Mourning Despair is what our ship is called right now. That’s what we registered it at the docks.

LAURA: Oh.

HUDSON: They were something else, their ship.

LAURA: I don’t have that.

NICK: They were Something Else…

HUDSON: Oh yeah.

NICK: [laughing] Am I missing anything on the recap, volleyball and secret pizza?

HUDSON: And then we signed up for a baseball tournament.

LAURA: No!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: That is going to happen someday.

HUDSON: Yes!

NICK: Alright. Let’s play some Star Wars I guess.

HUDSON: Pew-pew.

NICK: The camera pans up on the planet of Sesid in the resort town of Thrinaka on its own private island. It’s late morning. You had a successful day yesterday. Hank has let Xianna sleep in if she so chose.

LAURA: She did.

NICK: Okay, and by that I mean HK. Damn it!

LAURA: It’s Hank. Ha-ha!

NICK: What is everybody up to on this lovely summer morning?

CAMERON: Drinking a tiki drink, obviously.

NICK: Obviously, goes without saying.

CAMERON: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yep. Same here. Drinking a tiki drink. I got sunglasses on… I think I just found them. I don’t remember having sunglasses.

NICK: They came on your breakfast platter.

HUDSON: Oh, that’s so great.

NICK: Big old sunglasses. It’s a very nice resort, and you do have the nicest room in the hotel, you upgraded to that, so that does make sense. Hanging poolside?

CAMERON: Probably, so that Tink could get some more slide time in.

HUDSON: Yeah. I’m poolside after I overstay my welcome at the breakfast buffet.

[laughter]

NICK: Great. Xianna, what are you up to?

LAURA: Sleeping. If the breakfast buffet is still happening it’s too early in the morning for Xianna to be up.

NICK: Seems fair. I do need to point out that it goes from breakfast buffet straight into just putting out additional food and it becomes a brunch buffet.

LAURA: Yeah, brunch is still too early. When it becomes the lunch buffet, that is when she will know it is time to wake up.

CAMERON: By the change in smells coming through the room.

LAURA: She’ll know in her heart that when she starts smelling burgers, and no longer smells eggs and maple, because they’ll overlap for a little bit during brunch, but once the maple smell is gone that’s when she wakes up.

NICK: Okay…

LAURA: And I don’t know why she would be able to smell that at the top of the building, but for whatever reason she can.

NICK: It’s just a sense.

CAMERON: The breakfast buffet is actually what our private chef has been making us in our room.

LAURA: Ohh!

CAMERON: So it’s right next to your room, that’s why the smells happen.

LAURA: It might also just be that when the private chef comes in and asks if I want brunch I say no, I’m sleeping, and then when lunch happens…

CAMERON: Wake me up when lunch happens.

LAURA: …that’s when she gets up and with an oversized hat, oversized sunglasses, and a large mug of caf, goes down to the pool.

NICK: Does anybody check to see if your contact has arrived?

LAURA: Oh, of course not.

HUDSON: Nah.

CAMERON: Karma probably checked in the morning. That’s what she did yesterday morning.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: She does her morning walk with her tiki drink, gets to the ship parking lot, checks the register, exchanges her empty tiki drink for a new tiki drink at the parking lot side tiki bar, and then walks back to the hotel if she doesn’t see the Tallahassee Quagmire.

NICK: So, it’s pretty much an exact repeat of yesterday with the sunrise and Karma looking very relaxed looking at the board, looking at the ocean, not seeing the ship that you’re looking for, and wandering back.

CAMERON: I ask to get a lid for my tiki drink and then I swim back.

NICK: Ooh. They have what we talked about the before, the air seal, make sure nobody messes with your drink seal that they do, so it’s water tight and you can just tuck it into your hip or just swim with three limbs instead of four.

CAMERON: No, the tiki cup has one of the breathing masks for a scuba tank so that you can drink it while you’re swimming underwater. Somehow Nautolans can drink underwater, because they live underwater.

NICK: Well, it’s like amphibians and stuff, and fish, they just absorb the water they need.

CAMERON: But what if, I mean, do you just dump the tiki drink out in front of you and then swim through it and that’s how you get drunk if you’re a Nautolan?

LAURA: I just imagined that they didn’t have drinks.

CAMERON: No, they have to have drinks.

LAURA: Or they only consume them in airlock rooms, or waterlock rooms, rooms where they push out the water and there’s air in it.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Nautolans are definitely amphibians, right, because they have tadpole babies?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: So really all you would need is to make a cloud of alcohol that you could then wave your hand at and then you would absorb it.

CAMERON: They just have alcohol gloves that you put on. [laughs]

LAURA: Theoretically.

NICK: I really don’t like this technology. The aesthetics are displeasing to me.

CAMERON: Somehow it works.

LAURA: I just assumed they don’t have drinks under the water.

NICK: They can do whatever they want. Kit Fisto definitely parties hard whenever he wants, because he’s a cool dude.

CAMERON: Uh, yeah!

NICK: Cool. We open up I guess mid-lunch down by the pool. Everybody has met together and is relaxing. What riveting radio we have created.

[laughter]

LAURA: So exciting.

HUDSON: I doze off.

CAMERON: I’ve been hanging out with my Mon Cal surf instructor friend.

NICK: Oh yeah… That was a thing.

CAMERON: That I met the first day.

NICK: Cool~

HUDSON: Some kids who are playing in the pool splash water on me and I wake up angrily and growl at them.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Except you’re wearing your translator so it says ‘growl noise, growl noise.’

HUDSON: ‘Grr-grr-grr-grr-grr.’

[laughter]

CAMERON: ‘Bus breaks.’

NICK: ‘Bus break noises.’ So, you all have a few options on how to spend your day. Based on Sentinel’s timeline that he gave you, he didn’t say specifically when the contact would show up but you know based on how much earlier you were from what he thought he was that your contact’s probably gonna show up pretty soon. You have a couple of leads. There’s also more fun activities to do around the resort. What all do you want to go after?

LAURA: Xianna is in the pool, hat and sunglasses still on, and she’s trying—she’s just sexting what she thinks is Nolaa’s com number. She’s not 100% positive because no one’s responded yet. Also, what would the word be for…? It’s not sexting really because it’s not a text.

NICK: Som…xting. Somxting? You have to take the word text and switch that out for com but still say sex. Com…exting. Scomxting.

LAURA: I don’t like somming, and I don’t like semming. [laughter] Neither of those are good options.

HUDSON: I like semming.

LAURA: No.

CAMERON: No…

LAURA: I’m just gonna say sexting.

NICK: I think sexting is probably the best way to go. I don’t really like the—

CAMERON: We have definitely sent texts before through our com links.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s more interesting if everyone has pseudo-smartphones except when I don’t want you to, so that’s what we’ll do.

CAMERON: We have like, **razors.

NICK: You get the **jorgan fruit emoji back from the coms number, but that’s it.

LAURA: She’s okay with that.

CAMERON: [chuckles] All things considered, decent response.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: So, around this time you’re all standing by the pool and a protocol droid toddles up to you and has a little silver tray with a little folder on it and hands it—I guess Karma and Tink are next to each other on lawn chairs or whatever, or deck chairs?

CAMERON: Yeah, with HK next to us, also laying on a lawn chair.

NICK: Yeah. In a rare show of organic-ness, HK has turned to face the sun and has turned his optical receptors off and is just staring into the sky seeming to enjoy himself, basking almost. Xianna’s in the pool nearby. This protocol droid toddles up and hands Karma this tray with this little folder on it, and it’s a bill for expenses so far. The protocol droid says, ‘You never really specified how long you would stay, but we wanted to update you on your expenses.”

CAMERON: “Thank you.”

NICK: “You’re welcome,” and it toddles off.

CAMERON: [grinning] Karma’s gonna look at the folder.

NICK: It’s about 8,000 Credits so far.

HUDSON: That is covered by Sentinel?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: No, you had that argument. He said you can keep track of what you’re spending but he’s probably not going to reimburse you.

HUDSON: How many credits do we have?

LAURA: In total? I don’t know. I personally have about 700. I don’t know what you have personally.

CAMERON: I’m gonna plead the fifth. [giggles]

LAURA: Also, Xianna’s idea was that we skipped out on the bill, so…

CAMERON: Karma’s idea was we were gonna go talk to… **Gangem the bartender who makes the best mojitos who could get us a deal.

LAURA: That we could then skip out on.

CAMERON: “Uh, hey, Xianna, come over here.”

LAURA: “Okay, but um… what if you come over here? I am in the pool.”

CAMERON: “We’ve got alcohol.”

LAURA: “Okay~” [laughter] She climbs up out of the pool and walks over. “What is it?”

CAMERON: “So, they just handed me this.” I show the total figure at the bottom.

LAURA: “Okay, and yes, we are going to skip out on it, so why does that matter?”

CAMERON: “Guys, I’m NOT wanted right now, and I realize Tink’s name is the only one on it, but still.”

LAURA: “Technically neither am I, so I don’t really care. We could just leave.”

CAMERON: “Or we could go talk to **Gangem.”

LAURA: “Okay, but we still have to pay money in that scenario.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, but less money.”

LAURA: “yes, but still money.”

CAMERON: “Yes, but less money.”

LAURA: “Okay… but it is money that I did not plan on spending.”

HUDSON: “I’ll go in on it.”

LAURA: “So like, just now I did order a whole bunch of stuff to get sent to the room that is not going to be on that bill, and I don’t want to pay for it.”

CAMERON: “It’s okay. We can get an itemized receipt and put those in your name.”

LAURA: “I ordered them under Tink’s name, so…”

HUDSON: “Whoa!”

CAMERON: “I mean, the front desk will let you change that, though.”

HUDSON: “I mean, we’re buddies, we’re pals, but that’s a little out of line.”

LAURA: “Well no, because technically the room is under your name.”

CAMERON: “That is true, and you’re the one who said you wanted the fancy penthouse suite.”

LAURA: “You did.”

HUDSON: “I did want the fancy penthouse suite, so I’ll go in on the bill. How many credits do you have, Xianna?”

LAURA: “Look, how about we do this. If you two want to pay for the room, you can, and you pay for your portion, and then I will just not pay my portion.”

HUDSON: “That’s not how this works.”

LAURA: “But it could!”

HUDSON: “No, if we give partial payment then they’ll ask for the rest right then.”

CAMERON: [laughs] “That’s how that works.”

LAURA: “I have never paid for a hotel or apartment room in my entire life and I do not plan on it now.”

NICK: … Hmm! [laughter] That has a lot of implications for like, the amount of times the story has started with Xianna in an apartment and things like that.

LAURA: [smiling] yes!

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughing] What an interesting character trait you have decided.

LAURA: I mean, I feel like it’s pretty fitting if you’ve been paying attention to how she operates this entire time.

HUDSON: ‘I’m wanted by 16 apartment collectives across the galaxy.’

LAURA: [laughs] “Also, alternative plan, what if Tink hacks into their system and sends the bill to someone else? Like Falx. We don’t like him, so you know, send it to him!”

HUDSON: “Oh… We don’t like Falx, that’s true.”

CAMERON: “Is he dead?”

HUDSON: ‘he’s not dead.”

LAURA: “I don’t think so.”

CAMERON: Did we get an answer on that?

NICK: No one’s looked.

LAURA: “I got a maybe I think.”

CAMERON: Yeah, we asked Mills about it, but I don’t think Mills gave us an answer.

NICK: he wasn’t sure.

CAMERON: Hmm.

LAURA: “I mean, but if no one is sure, his accounts have probably not been frozen yet.”

CAMERON: “Or they’ve been taken over by the Empire, because Falx kind of murdered that governor.”

LAURA: “Yeah, so we send the bill to the Empire, the Empire takes the bill, and then we don’t pay! Basically, do you see the theme I am going with? We don’t pay.”

CAMERON: “I was seeing that theme. Yeah.”

HUDSON: “That’s a theme. Alright, how about this? What if I try to put it in Falx’s name, but if I can’t you will help us with the bill?”

LAURA: “No… Maybe.”

HUDSON: “Oh, it’s a maybe? A no-be.”

LAURA: “A no-be…”

HUDSON: “That’s a combination of the two, and that’s closer than I thought we’d get.”

NICK: “Did somebody say my name? My name’s Ben, Ben Onobi.”

HUDSON & CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Just some guy in a banana hammock with a really nice beard walks by.

LAURA: “Oh, no, sorry.”

CAMERON: “Oh, sorry Old Ben.”

NICK: ‘Oh, I resent that name.”

CAMERON: “That’s apparently what everyone calls you.”

LAURA: “You can’t just call anyone old. He’s not even that old.”

HUDSON: “That’s ageist.”

LAURA: “You just call any random 60-year-old old, that is offensive.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s just any man named Ben, it’s just old Ben.”

LAURA: “Oh! Is this like a cultural thing for Nautolans, like anyone named Ben is old? It’s like a nickname?”

CAMERON: “I think it’s a Tatooine thing actually, pretty sure that’s where I picked it up.”

LAURA: “Huh…”

NICK: “Well, I’m not from there, so thanks a lot for, uh—“

CAMERON: “Oh, you should check it out, there’s lots of sand.”

NICK: “Oh, you think so?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. If you like beaches… without water… let me recommend Tatooine.” [laughs]

NICK: “Sounds great. Well, that’s it for Old Ben Onobi, never to appear again,” and he walks off into the water.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: And then a shark eats him. I don’t like that NPC.

CAMERON: Oh no!

[laughter]

NICK: Blood everywhere!

HUDSON: ‘Why is there a shark in the pool?! Who did that?’

CAMERON: Whoops.

NICK: It sounds to me like you’re working with three different plans right now. You could either skip on the bill, wait for your contact to show up and just boogie out and hope it never comes up again. You could try to hack the registry to charge Falx and therefore the Empire for your ludicrously high bill. Or, you could go try to meet up with this **Gangem guy and see what the discount looks like and what you would do from there.

CAMERON: Or, we could try them in an order, and just do all of them. [laughs]

LAURA: “Plan A through C. Plan A: We don’t pay. Plan 2:–“ [laughter] “Plan 2: Tink hacks into the system. Plan C: I guess we pay.”

HUDSON: “Let’s reverse A and 2.”

LAURA: “So, Plan 2: Tink tries to hack into the system.”

HUDSON: “Is now A.”

LAURA: ‘No, it’s still Plan 2, we just moved it in front of Plan A.”

HUDSON: “Got it, 2, A, C.”

LAURA: “2, A, c.”

CAMERON: “I’m not okay with this ordering system.”

HUDSON: “2, A, C, it makes sense. No, it doesn’t. We didn’t start from the real starting number. It should be 0, A, B, for the original number.”

LAURA: “No, it would be 0, A, C.”

HUDSON: “No-no-no, you don’t start at 1, you start at 0.”

CAMERON: “So yeah, 0 was originally 2… Wait.” [laughs]

LAURA: Xianna has her fingers out. “Okay, so if 0 is now… If 1 is now 0, then 2 is now—Okay, okay, so Plan 1, then Plan A, then Plan C.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

CAMERON: “Can we change A to Alpha? Because I’m feeling uncomfortable with A and C both being options.”

HUDSON: “Alright. What if it’s like… C as in Capple, and then—“

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Yes, so Plan 1, Plan A, Plan Capple.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

CAMERON: [smiling] “Oh okay… I mean, that’s better I guess. Which one are we doing first?”

LAURA: “Plan 1.”

CAMERON: “I thought we were gonna do Plan 0?”

LAURA: “Plan 0 is now Plan 1, because—It was not Plan 0, it was Plan 2, but Tink says that we start at 0, so if 1 is 0…  is 1, so it’s now Plan 1.”

CAMERON: [nervously] “Okay, okay, I think I followed that.”

LAURA: “And Plan 1 is Tink hack into the system.”

HUDSON: Suddenly Tink tries to be cool and says, “This is so galaxy brain.”

LAURA: “Okay!”

NICK: “Assertion: I have a literal giant AI for a brain and I am confused.”

CAMERON: “Just go with it, HK.”

LAURA: “So Hank, can you hack into the system and make Falx pay for it? You haven’t met him, but you would not like him.”

NICK: “Thoughtfully: I have some vague memories of him. I’m not sure why.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that is not good. That’s not good, right?”

CAMERON: “Huh…”

LAURA: Xianna’s looking at Karma and Tink. “That’s not a…?”

CAMERON: “Wait-wait-wait! The murder robot, at the party, right?”

LAURA: “There was a murder robot at a party?”

CAMERON: “You don’t remember the murder robot?!”

LAURA: “What party?!”

CAMERON: “It came jumping into the room and shooting and yelling things.”

LAURA: “There was a party? Heh. When?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, it was on Mustafar.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, on Mustafar, Falx’s party where he murdered Silpin and you almost got us all killed.”

LAURA: “Oh. Okay, that actually sounds familiar.”

HUDSON: “Well, to be fair, I put the Rancore Protocol in the robot. It was my bad.”

CAMERON: “That might be why you have memories!”

NICK: Hey, editor Nick, you’re gonna have to go find that and slice this in.

[flashback begins]

NICK: “Hello, my name is Whist. I couldn’t help but see that you’re trying to do some computer technician work. I happen to be particularly suited to that type of work. How can I help?”

HUDSON: “Oh, I don’t need any help. Thank you.”

NICK: “Oh no, I must insist. I am programmed to be helpful.”

HUDSON: I look left, and look right, and regardless of what I see I grab Whist and run to the hallway.

[laughter]

HUDSON: I think I may need to flip a point for this, but I have a data spike that can shut off that signal and put the bot under my control.

NICK: You think you grabbed that one, but instead you jab the Rancore Protocol into this droid.

HUDSON: Oh, my…

NICK: Yeah. The droid appears to be deactivated right now.

HUDSON: I push the on button.

NICK: It turns on. It looks at you and goes, “Filthy human, I’ll destroy you for this!” And all the arms come up, and there are corkscrews and blasters…

ALYSON: And scissors.

NICK: …and scissors, a magnifying glass for some reason.

ALYSON: [smiling] Yeah, yeah, definitely.

NICK: Pew-pew! Pew-pew-pew! Pew! Tink comes running out of the hallway with a gesticulating Whist going around the room and saying “There’s been a murder~!” Pew! Pew-pew-pew!

[laughter]

NICK: Whist drops back. You see he has a little tick that you’re not used to. Some of his lights are glowing red instead of the usual yellow they have, and his voice sounds different.

ALYSON: Okay. Hmm.

NICK: “Extrapolation: I just hate you organics,” and he shoves him.

[flashback ends]

NICK: “Clarification: Additionally, what part of my skillset makes you think that I am adept at slicing?”

CAMERON: “The AI brain, I think.”

LAURA: “Yeah. Also, I am not good at slicing and computers so I don’t really know.”

HUDSON: “Are you trying to get rid of my number one skill in this group?”

LAURA: “No, I thought you could both hit on the keyboard at the same time and hack together.”

HUDSON: “No, that’s not how that works.”

CAMERON: “I think what she was thinking was you could hack the system by hitting on the keyboard and HK could hack the system by hitting on the computer.”

HUDSON: “Oh…”

CAMERON: “Like AI to AI.”

HUDSON: “Oh. You can kind of loosen it up a little bit.”

NICK: “Observation: If I am needed to punch a terminal. I will.”

CAMERON: “That is not what I meant. [laughs]”

HUDSON: “Oh, no, no. I need you to form a relationship with the terminal.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “You can’t just ask someone to do that, Tink!”

HUDSON: “No, that’s exactly what Karma just said! Hit on the terminal, on the computer.”

CAMERON: [laughing, spluttering] “No, not with the terminal, with the AI. Not the physical machinery.”

HUDSON: “The AI hitting on the AI. Yeah, no, I didn’t mean loosen it physically I meant loosen it emotionally so I can break into it easier.”

LAURA: “Or do both, if that is something you are comfortable doing.”

CAMERON: [laughing] This was a weird suggestion. I’m sorry.

LAURA: “If it is not something you are comfortable doing then do not.”

HUDSON: “You’re assuming Hank has free will.”

CAMERON: “Uh…”

LAURA: “I feel like he does…”

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “He does unless you give him an order. That’s very rude.”

NICK: “Objection: While my free will is rudimentary, I don’t appreciate the assertion.”

LAURA: “You can’t just say things like that, Tink.”

HUDSON: “I’m sorry. It’s not like… Listen, I control computers.”

LAURA: “But a computer is not the same thing as a droid.”

HUDSON: “You’re right.”

NICK: “Angry Statement: I can flirt with an AI if I want to.”

HUDSON: “Do you want to?”

CAMERON: “That’s right, HK, you can!”

LAURA: “Yes, you can, but you shouldn’t if you do not want to, only if you want to.”

NICK: “Theoretic Query: Would seducing a computer be a skill that requires practice?”

CAMERON: [laughing] It depends on how awkward the other AI is…

LAURA: “You know Hank, I think that is going to be something you will have to find out on your own. I have no answers for you.”

HUDSON: “There’s actually an answer to this.”

CAMERON: “It’s a skill that everyone has to learn. You know, you’re not gonna learn if you don’t practice. You know, just go talk to them.”

HUDSON: “Actually, whoever created your AI, were they awkward, Hank?”

NICK: “Conclusive Statement: Probably.”

HUDSON: “Alright, then you’re gonna be awkward, but practicing will make that go away. Take it from me, I am the master of love.”

NICK: “Hesitation: I’m concerned about where this is going.” And we’re gonna swipe to whatever the fuck is about to happen.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, we need a couple of things. Your plan is to have Hank distract the AI system that runs the financial database for this resort…

HUDSON: Distract is the wrong verb.

NICK: Okay, what verb?

HUDSON: Seduce.

[laughter]

NICK: Seduce the glorified calculator accounting program, while you hack into it and assign it to somewhere else. Flip me a dark side point. The network is very rudimentary. You’re going to have to sneak into the back stage of this hotel to find any sort of access to the financial records. You can’t just do it from your room. Are you and Hank going it alone? Are you gonna try and sneak through the service corridors and stuff and find a computer room?

HUDSON: Yes. “Alright, Hank, here’s the plan. I’m gonna be wearing my sunglasses because my eyes just give me away at all times. I’m gonna be wearing one of those—“

NICK: “Clarification: You are worried about looking suspicious.”

HUDSON: “Correct. That’s why I’m wearing sunglasses. I’m also going to be holding a drink. Now, I don’t drink, keep the edge, however—“ [laughter] “There’s gonna be alcohol in this drink and I’ll pretend to be sipping on it so that if we get found out I can pretend like I’m a very drunk tourist with my drunk droid friend and we have just wandered into these corridors looking for our room.”

NICK: You get that hard drive noise of the slight clicking, and then he just resets and looks ready to do whatever. He’ll follow your lead. I guess I need a Stealth roll. Karma and Xianna, are you all just hanging out while all of this goes on?

CAMERON: I guess so.

LAURA: I got the feeling that Tink didn’t invite us.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It kind of seemed like it was gonna be a bro trip, so…

NICK: What’s Tink’s Agility?

HUDSON: Two. [chuckles]

NICK: Alright. This is gonna be a combined check, because you’re trained in Stealth and HK super isn’t. Oh no, actually he has a point in Stealth, but he also has 4 Agility.

HUDSON: So just roll a bunch of dice?

NICK: What’s your Stealth training?

HUDSON: Three.

NICK: Roll one green and three yellows. Y’all are competent.

CAMERON: Tink has super squishy, soft feet.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Difficulty is going to be average, because it’s just a hotel. They’re not expecting this.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success, an additional success, and an advantage.

NICK: Interesting. You know, just a little peek behind the DM screen here, I’m very interested that the complication for the triumph and the complication for a despair are the same in my head right now.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Wait, what?

NICK: Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. So, with all of that going on, we get a quick montage of Tink and Hank. They are in the main lobby and there’s the swinging service doors that go past the breakfast room or whatever, and you step into that. The decorated beach style Jimmy Buffet extravagance that was going on in this resort is replaced with just plain white walls, the stained concrete floors that are really easy to maintain, it’s very utilitarian back here. We get shots of Tink and Hank pressed up against a wall as room service carts go by. There’s a point where some security detail people, there’s some Draedans with their green scales and their big shark teeth and they have radios on their polos and capri pants. They’re going by, and Tink goes ‘Quick, kiss me!’ and they duck around the corner and start kissing and the security guards just avoid them and go on.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: You start to approach a server room. It’s pretty easy to find, everything’s really labeled. I think it was funny.

HUDSON: I thought it was funny.

CAMERON: [laughing] I’m just picturing—Tink’s wearing a translator over his mouth and HK’s a droid.

NICK: Oh yeah. It’s definitely just metal clinking together.

HUDSON: ‘Wait! Kiss me!’ [scrapes something against microphone]

NICK: ‘Bus breaks, bus breaks, error.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, you start to approach the server room. You push open the door and you see a figure already there, and it appears to be furtively tapping with one hand on a keyboard, and we’re gonna cut back to Karma and Xianna. what are you two up to?

CAMERON: “Hey Xianna, do you wanna go tiki bar hopping?”

LAURA: “Um, did you even have to ask me that?”

NICK: [smiling] The camera zooms out and you’re already at the first tiki bar.

CAMERON: We’re sitting at a tiki bar leaning against it. We both have tiki drinks.

LAURA: “Part of me thought that was already the plan. I’ve been to four today alone.”

CAMERON: “I think this is my… This is either my third or fourth one. I don’t remember. I didn’t go to the pool one, but I did go to the one at the landing strip, so I think I’m at four. Anyway, I was thinking we could look for the bartender who could potentially get us a deal.”

LAURA: “Well, so the bartender is right over there.” She points to the bartender.

CAMERON: “We have to find the correct one, though.”

LAURA: “Oh, the one that will give us a deal.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

LAURA: “Okay. If we’re going to stick the bill to Falx, do we really want a deal?”

CAMERON: “Not necessarily, if it works, but we do just as a backup plan. We can go to all of these tiki bars and ask who the bartender is and if they know him, and then even if we don’t end up using it we still went to all of these tiki bars, so I don’t think we’re really wasting our time.”

LAURA: “Yes. I guess we can do Plan C while Plan A is happening, and we tiki hop. I guess.”

NICK: Now I have this great idea of Karma and Xianna being each other’s wingmen and picking people up while doing that. Is that an arc that you guys would like to do?

CAMERON: Haaave you met Xianna?

LAURA: “Ello~!”

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] I don’t know. That just seems really adorable to me, and a bonding thing. If you want to do that, great, if not—

LAURA: Xianna will start doing that without any prompting. She’ll just go up to people and be like, “Ello, so my friend over there I think is single, pretty sure, like 80% sure she is single. She is a hot mom, and if you want to go buy her a drink and say hello you should.” And she’ll wink a little bit.

NICK: “Cha!” It’s just a really burly… I don’t know, surfer.

CAMERON: Probably at the same time Karma is talking to the person next to her. “So you see that purple Twi’lek over there?”

NICK: “Oh yeah.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, so… I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but she was telling me earlier how attractive she thought you were and how she really would like to get to know you a little bit better, so…”

NICK: “What? Really?”

CAMERON: “Yeah. She was making eyes at you while we were over by the pool, so I think you should go buy her a drink.”

NICK: “Yeah, at this all-inclusive resort, that’s a great idea.”

CAMERON: “I mean, it’s the thought that counts.”

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: Xianna, you’re approached by a Barabel. They’re like velociraptor aliens. They’re pretty cool. They’re kind of like the Trandoshans but bigger, stronger, scarier, more alligator-like. He offers you an extra-large tiki drink.

LAURA: “Well thank you.”

NICK: “It’s premium.”

LAURA: “Well thank you. Can you hold on for one second?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

LAURA: She types into her com to the number she’s pretty sure is Nolaa’s, ‘new phone who dis?’ Send, and then turns back to the Barabel. “Okay. Well, we can chat for a few minutes. I do have to see what that response is before fully engaging in the flirting. I’m like 20% sure I’m dating someone, but you know, only 20% sure.”

NICK: “Well, I mean, we could at least get to know each other a little bit.”

LAURA: “Yeah, yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s Klassk.”

LAURA: “Hi Klassk.”

NICK: “I have a tattoo of a Jedi on my bicep that swings its lightsaber when I flex. Wanna see?”

LAURA: “Yes!”

HUDSON & CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Okay. One, I love it. Two, where did you get it? I have a friend who needs a tattoo and I think that would look perfect on him. Three, um… I don’t have a point three. Heh.”

NICK: And we cut over to Karma and… it’s a really burly, like Baywatch-looking Human, bleach blonde hair, nice tan, red board shorts. “Cha. Heard you were looking for someone to hang out with.”

CAMERON: How old does this person look? [laughs]

NICK: Uh… like 28-29? “The name’s Crush!”

LAURA: Oh yeah. Xianna was like ‘oh, this guy’s older, that’ll be…’

[laughter]

NICK: “We’re here on spring break!”

CAMERON: Xianna’s like ‘I don’t know, they’re older than me, that’s how old Karma is.’

LAURA: ‘Older than me? Yup.’

CAMERON: “Where are you traveling from?”

NICK: “Uh… You know, it’s weird, I just suddenly drew a blank. I was just looking at how beautiful you were, and…”

CAMERON: “Aw, that’s very sweet.”

NICK: “…forgot. Actually, I’m studying Xenology at Coronet University.”

CAMERON: “Cool!”

NICK: “Working on my PhD!”

CAMERON: “Nice!”

NICK: “Yah!”

CAMERON: “Sweet.”

NICK: “I’m here to study the Draedan culture. Some people say that the resort has been a cultural deficit, but I think it shows, I don’t know, like business or something.”

CAMERON: “That is a VERY good point.”

NICK: “My catchphrase is CHA!”

CAMERON: “… You know, sweetie, I had noticed that.”

NICK: [laughs] “Can I get you a drink?!”

CAMERON: “Yeah, that’d be great…”

NICK: [smiling] He turns to the bar and signals to the Draedan. The bartender looked like they were going to be offended when this Human said they were studying them xenologically, and then when the thesis kind of fell through and turned to be more of an economics thing than a xenology thing they just kind of shrug and hand over some very shiny tiki glasses.

CAMERON: Nice!

NICK: You notice them get on a stepstool to reach the top shelf stuff, mixing things.

CAMERON: Woo.

NICK: Also, as the Human turns around, you notice his back is very muscular and very fancy… which is hard to do, as somebody who tried to lift a weight once, it’s hard to make your back look all muscly.

CAMERON: Karma’s very impressed but is still very much of the opinion that this is a very young person.

NICK: Oh well. He’s gonna keep talking to you.

CAMERON: I mean, she’s gonna keep talking to him about his hopes and dreams, and how college life is going, and what made him pursue his PhD.

NICK: Make me an Education check…

CAMERON: Oh no. Why? [laughs]

NICK: Make it hard.

CAMERON: Oh no…

HUDSON: [breathy] Make it hard.

NICK: God dang it. [laughs]

CAMERON: I don’t have anything for Education.

NICK: This guy does.

CAMERON: Well, obviously. [laughs]

NICK: I’m just proving a point using the game mechanics. Don’t worry about it. As a GM right now I’m like should I have introduced like a silver fox guy? Like, what is Karma’s type? I don’t even know.

CAMERON: Probably at least her age. [laughs]

NICK: Eh.

CAMERON: Heh! One success, two threats.

NICK: Cool. With that you’re able to pretty much follow the structure of his thesis even though he keeps getting distracted by—he says it’s your beauty, but you think he just keeps looking at the ocean and being distracted, and he’s just a little airheaded on that front. You’re able to follow the structure of his thesis and you’re able to see kind of what he’s going for, and it’s actually some pretty cool research that could kind of change some understanding if people read his papers. The threats are that it’s not particularly interesting to you, him talking about like “…and that’s why synergistic interpretation of people’s different cultures can lead to, like, a better overall understanding, you know?”

CAMERON: “Yah.”

NICK: “Yeah! Now you’re getting’ it!”

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut back to Tink and HK. You get into the server room, and it’s dark, it’s lit only by the flickering view screens, and there’s someone hunched over one of the keyboards typing with one hand. He turns around and says, “Oh hey, I’m almost done here. If you could just, uh, shut the door on your way out I’ll be getting out of here. Just moving some data around, you know, that kind of thing.”

HUDSON: “Sounds abnormal. Who are you?”

NICK: “Observation: This appears to be some sort of security breech.”

“Hey, yeah, I don’t know what your droid is talking about. I’m here- I’m fixing- I’m cleaning the network… tubes.”

HUDSON: “Now, you’re right that the network is a series of tubes, however they don’t need to be cleaned as often as you’re cleaning them, it appears.”

NICK: “Hey, uh… That’s great. Who are you?”

HUDSON: “I am the resort IT guy.”

NICK: “Really?”

HUDSON: “Yes.”

NICK: Hmm. I think we need to do some sort of opposed Deception check.

CAMERON: Hudson, please make Nick keep talking to himself as this NPC and Hank.

NICK: No~!

[laughter]

HUDSON: What difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be two purple and a red. … Uh-oh.

HUDSON: I have two failures and an advantage.

NICK: “Yeah… You’re not a Draedan, so gonna have to say you are not the resort IT, buddy. Come on in, shut the door, let’s talk this through.”

HUDSON: I go and shut the door.

NICK: He pulls out a blaster and aims it at you. [laughs] “Alright, here’s the thing.” You get a good look at him. As you shut the door the lights turn on. He is a pretty short Human. He has tan skin, he looks kind of like a scrawny teenager. He has curly hair that’s cut into a trendy undercut, and you notice that where his left arm would be there’s a sleeve that’s neatly pinned up, and in his right arm is a hold out blaster that he is pointing at you and apparently ignoring HK. “Look, I was here first. I’m trying to rob this place. I need you to go away or I’ll have to shoot you, and I would feel really bad about it.”

HUDSON: “Alright, so how about this. You let me go first. I’m doing something much less illegal than you are.” [laughter] “You could even think of mine as a prank, almost. So, if you let me do that then you can go on with your heist, and we won’t have a problem, and I won’t mention anything and you won’t mention anything.”

NICK: “Hey now, I never said it was a heist, I’m just appropriating some data…” You can see that the screen that was up is actually just a bunch of error messages and he has a data spike just jammed into a terminal very sloppily. The system is just crashing. Whatever he was doing was not really working. “Look. Yeah.” He holsters his blaster. “I’ll let you go first. Do you think you could help me with the thing that I’m trying to do? That could be cool. I’ll let you go THIS time.” He takes a step back and just looks really anxious and a little worried about the situation.

HUDSON: “Let’s talk more after I go.”

NICK: “Uhhhh… Okay fine.” And we’re gonna cut back to Xianna and Karma. Are you still at the same tiki bar?

CAMERON: We have bounced to a new tiki bar.

LAURA: Yeah, new tiki bar.

CAMERON: So, we’re on our next tiki bar. We have been asking the bartenders what their names are.

NICK: Okay. Did you drop those two dudes?

LAURA: Yes.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. As you’re leaving the bar, you get a text ,Xianna, on your com that says ‘Aw, harsh,’ and has the ‘XD’ and also the eggplant emoji.

LAURA: “Okay, I don’t think this is Nolaa… Okay, well let me—“ and she’s going through numbers trying to find the one she thinks is Nolaa, and then when she finds the one she’s pretty sure of she sends some peach emojis.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. We’ll leave that for a minute. This tiki bar, it’s gotten into night, a lot of people have the glow-in-the-dark stripes on their clothes and the paint and it’s very super cool and trendy. All the tiki glasses light up. There’s a lot of black light everywhere. There’s another Draedan at the bar mixing mojitos.

CAMERON: Ohh.

NICK: You notice as you walk in the bartender smiles to you and their teeth light up.

CAMERON: Nice.

NICK: Like the scary black light smiles, and it also kind of looks like a tiki drink, because you just see their glowing eyes and their big, scary, jagged teeth… and you go into the bar.

CAMERON: I’d say Karma and Xianna have probably acquired leis at this point…

NICK: Yeah, for sure.

LAURA: Yes.

CAMERON: …that have the lights in them, because it’s gotten dark. They’ve been getting slowly more festive as the tiki bar adventure has progressed.

LAURA: Absolutely. Xianna has probably acquired various other outfit items that are light-up, and you have no idea where those came from, just suddenly her hat has lights on it but it looks like they’re built into the hat, and you didn’t know that before, so you’re not sure if it’s the same hat or not.

NICK: I’m picturing Xianna in one of those hats that’s also a bowl for chips and dip, like sombrero thing.

CAMERON: [gasps] And you just break off a piece, stick it in your guacamole and eat it. That’s disgusting, but I very much like the idea at the same time.

LAURA: Xianna would absolutely never wear a chip and dip hat. That is 100% a Tink thing. You know Tink would wear a chip and dip hat.

CAMERON: But he’d get fur in the guacamole…

LAURA: She did order one, and it is in the room. [laughter] One of the things she ordered in the morning was a chip and dip hat.

HUDSON: This wouldn’t have been my first chip and dip hat.

LAURA: It wouldn’t have been.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh boy. So, you’re at the bar. What are you doing? Are you hitting on more people?

LAURA: Yes, still uncoordinated, sending other people over to the other person. They still have not said that they’re doing this or talked about it in any way, but they’re doing it.

CAMERON: No. [laughing] And they’re just picking people.

LAURA: So now they’re both a little confused about why people keep coming over and being like ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ Heh.

CAMERON: And Karma’s like ‘Why are all of these people so young?!’ [laughs]

LAURA: Yeah! [laughs]

NICK: I want you to design the NPC you’re sending at the other character.

LAURA: Okay. Now Xianna goes and she sees this really, really buff Bothan, so Xianna goes up to her. “Oh hello, how are you doing?” Xianna’s not actually sure what Karma’s into, so she’s just gonna send everyone she sees.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Which is making Karma even more confused.

NICK: I’m picturing like Zoya from Overwatch but as a cool cat-lion person.

LAURA: Oh yes. Bothan Zoya, so you can do a Russian accent.

NICK: It’s not gonna be good.

LAURA: Is it Zarya?

NICK: Yep.

LAURA: [laughing] Zoya the Destroyer is from Glow, which is also Russian, so it works.

NICK: [laughs] Oh boy. “Well hello. What can I help you with?”

LAURA: “Hi. So, do you see my Nautolan friend over there?”

NICK: “Oh yeah. I think everyone saw her when she walked in.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I am pretty sure she is single if you want to go talk to her. You should go talk to her, buy her a drink.”

NICK: “Are you, like, friends or…? Why are you just sending me to go talk to this random person?”

LAURA: “Um… Oh, I mean, I think she would maybe say we are friends. I would maybe say between work associates and friends. I don’t know if, like, she knows my birthday or anything. I don’t know her birthday. I don’t actually know if she has a middle name or not and I feel like a friend should know if you have a middle name or not… So like acquaintances? That live on a ship together.”

CAMERON: Karma 100% knows all of that information about Xianna because it’s in her profile for the bounties.

LAURA: [laughs]

NICK: “Well, it sounds like you just put up a lot of reasoning for why she’s not your friend, but you’ve also put a lot of thought into it, so you should probably think about that a little on your own.” She hands you her tiki drink which is brand new and she gets another one off the bar. “You should probably drink that,” and she goes to talk to Karma. Who do you find to send to Xianna?

CAMERON: So, they’re probably about 27 years old, a male Zabrak, red, with black tattoos, wearing a lei and little lights on all of his horns. It’s very festive. It kind of looks like a crown. Why are you making faces at me?

LAURA: His name is—

NICK: [smiling] What’s his leg situation?

LAURA: It doesn’t matter! His name is **Luam.

NICK: Yuck.

LAURA: And that is just Maul backwards.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yup. You can’t see the leg situation. He’s wearing essentially a long towel around his hips.

LAURA: I thought you were gonna say a grass skirt.

CAMERON: Ooh, better, yes. He’s wearing a grass skirt.

NICK: Festive.

CAMERON: And has a kind of sheer robe thing on that’s open showing his muscular chest.

NICK: He’s got the lean hunter physique. Yeah. What do you say to this random guy to get him to go see Xianna?

CAMERON: Karma’s basically been using the same speech at every single one of the tiki bars. “Hey, do you see that purple Twi’lek?”

NICK: “Yeah?”

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: ‘I’M LUAM! GRR.’

CAMERON: Karma kinda goes, like ‘ick,’ but very slightly though.

NICK: ‘Make my day!’

CAMERON: “Yeah, so she was telling me as we walked in that—I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but she was saying how attractive you are, and I know that she’s too intimidated to come up and talk to you herself, so that’s why I’m here. You should go talk to her.”

NICK: “The hunt begins.” He stalks off.

CAMERON: “Have fun.” Ehh…

NICK: God damn it.

LAURA: I also enjoy the two different tactics in that Karma is doing the lying, ‘oh, you should go talk to them, because they were eyeing you.’

CAMERON: ‘They were so into you.’

LAURA: ‘They were telling me they were so into you,’ and Xianna’s just like ‘yo, you see that person? Go talk to ‘em! I’ma drink.’ Heh.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: Part of the reason that Karma’s is working is because she has serious mom energy and is walking up to all of these people who are closer to Xianna’s age, and being like ‘hey, do you see that purple Twi’lek? I think it would be a good idea if you went and talked to them.’

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We’re gonna cut back to Tink, HK, and this thief guy. Are you slicing the computer?

HUDSON: Yes, I’m slicing the computer, but before I do I say, “What’s your name, friend?”

NICK: “Oh, um, you know, I don’t do this a lot, but I feel like just doing introductions in the middle of a job, maybe not the best idea. You know?”

HUDSON: “No, your handle, not your name.”

NICK: “Handle… Oh, right, slicers do that. Handle… Um, call me Lucky, I guess. Yeah.”

CAMERON: Ishmael. [laughs]

HUDSON: Ishmael. [laughs]

NICK: “Yeah, just call me Lucky. Yeah, I do this all the time. I’m definitely a slicer. Yeah. Do your computer thing.”

HUDSON: “Of course you are!”

NICK: “Yeah… It’s fine.”

HUDSON: Alright. I do my slicing.

NICK: Cool. The computer is only average, but because it’s got a lot of lockdown situations it’s gonna have two black dice.

HUDSON: So, remove one—well, I’m not defending computers check.

NICK: Are you using your data breaker?

HUDSON: [gasps] I do. I didn’t even look over there. I have Bypass Security so it removes the other one.

LAURA: I got you.

HUDSON: Thank you. I am using my data breaker so -1.

NICK: Doesn’t that give you blue dice?

CAMERON: It should give you two blue dice.

HUDSON: Yeah, it does give me two blue dice. Thank you all.

[laughter]

NICK: You’re welcome.

HUDSON: Four successes and four advantages.

NICK: Yeah, this whole system is super yours. You can do whatever the heck you want in it. You open it up, you slice in very quickly. As you’re typing through all this stuff, you have your data breaker plugged in, I think you pulled the data spike out of the port and stuck your data breaker in and everything opened up. You get the Windows boot up noise. It starts updating and you use that as a way to get into all of the admin files, and you’re just in. At this point the guy that you caught trying to do exactly that is leaning over your shoulder. “Hey, where did you get that cool box thing? That seems really helpful.”

HUDSON: “Oh, you have to know people.”

NICK: “Ooh, that’s vague. Look, tell you what. You’re doing your thing and then you’re gonna do my thing, right? Help me out? I’ll help you out. I don’t know how, but I’ll do something.”

HUDSON: “How are you gonna help me out?”

NICK: “Um… I don’t know. I’ll give you some credits. I have some. I could pay you. Once I get this job done that’ll clear my debt and then I could do whatever. I’m a useful contact… I know how to juggle. What do you want?!”

HUDSON: “You know, I got friends in my life, I’m at a nice resort just enjoying myself, I don’t know if there’s much more I need especially now that my bill has been transferred.”

NICK: “Oh cool! You transferred your bill?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

NICK: “How’d you do that? Show me how you did that.” He’s leaning around your shoulders trying to see what you were doing.

HUDSON: “I don’t think so, bucko.”

NICK: “Aw man. I just- Do you need like an apprentice or something? Because I need to learn some new skills.”

CAMERON: [laughing] Hudson’s looking at us like ‘do I adopt this child?’

HUDSON: [laughs] “Sorry, I have something big going on right now, and I just don’t have the time, but tell you what, don’t shoot me, I’m gonna peace out now—“

NICK: “Wait! No!”

LAURA: ‘And then I’m gonna create some online tutorials.’

[laughter]

NICK: “Wait. No. Can you just download the visitor logs or whatever onto this data spike before you log out? I’m just supposed to get the visitor logs for these guys, these real scary dudes. If you could just do that, that would be really helpful, and then we can part ways as new friends. I’m Isaac, Isaac **Vars. See? You know my name now.” He holds out his hand to shake.

HUDSON: I shake his hand. “Who are the scary guys you’re working for?”

NICK: “Got in bad with some Black Sun actually. I’m not even from here. They just kind of dropped me on planet, said I have to do this, and then they were gonna bring me back.” He’s like still shaking your hand while he’s talking. “But if you could, I don’t know, just help me with this piece… You won’t even see Black Sun. Black Sun, thing of the past. If you could just help me with that, that would be great.”

HUDSON: “So here’s what I’ll do. I’m feeling generous today. I’ll help you out.”

NICK: “Yes!”

HUDSON: I go in and I download the visitor logs. Before I download them I remove all of our names from them and then pass him the logs.

NICK: Ooh. ‘Hey, thanks man. You’re just- You’re a stand-up guy. You know, they say there’s no goodness in the galaxy, but I think there really is.”

HUDSON: “So, can I get a favor in the future? Can I hit you up for something?”

NICK: “Sure man! Yeah, whatever you need.”

HUDSON: “What’s your com number?”

NICK: He hands you a number, and then you guys turn to leave?

HUDSON: Yep, we part ways.

NICK: Cool. As he’s leaving he slips and bumps into you a little bit. Can I get a Perception check please? And flip me that dark side point.

HUDSON: Difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be two red and a purple.

HUDSON: Two successes and three threats.

NICK: Cool. The successes, as he bumps into you, you feel his hand kind of snake into your fanny pack and it pulls out your data breaker, and he is quietly tucking it into his shirt, and then he sees you make eye contact. “Cool thanks! Nice meting you!” And he trips you, and you fall prone. [dramatic bass noise] And then he takes off down the hallway running.

HUDSON: “HK, catch him!”

NICK: And that’s where we’re gonna end the episode!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: Oh no! [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: That person’s gonna die.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 35 Smore Volleyball Please

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 35:
S’more Volleyball Please

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

Starting us off, I want to thank our most recent iTunes reviewers. **TheMagicBrian, thank you so much for your review, we’re glad you’re enjoying it. **Somniantis, thank you for your very kind words, the whole crew appreciates the nice things you said. **AstronautCowboy, thank you as well for your review, we really appreciate it and are glad that you look forward to the show.

Once again, this episode features Nugget, our favorite volleyball-playing fish friend inspired by **SparkleFish, one of our Patreon backers. Thank you so much for this character and your support, **SparkleFish.

Music this week is Surf Shimmy by Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.

[musical chime]
Hi, I’m Lilit and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I was going by an old name during this recording and while we have left the audio as originally recorded, I would request that you use my current name when discussing the episode. Thanks!
[musical chime]

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 35! I’m your hosting game master, Nick. It’s great to have you here today on the sunny shores of Sesid where we shall not further the plot. Very exciting stuff. We’re gonna go around the table and have everybody introduce themselves and say what character they’re playing today. We’re gonna start with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play a Gigoran slicer named Tink, and I haven’t used my points for anything because I’m [musically] hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, what!

NICK: [laughs] Great.

LAURA: … What?!

[laughter]

NICK: It doesn’t matter. Moving on. Up next we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello. I am indeed Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am still confused by what Hudson did.

NICK: We’re all confused by what Hudson does.

LAURA: I mean I’m generally a little confused and tired today, as usual, but now even more so.

NICK: Big. Mood. And up next we’ve got Cameron~

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan professional beach volleyball player…

NICK: Ohh.

CAMERON: …who does bounty hunting on the side.

NICK: Learning something new every day about our characters.

HUDSON: Should I explain exactly what I just did? I was—

LAURA: No. [laughter] It’s funnier if you don’t.

CAMERON: It’s better as a mystery. Y’all know what he did.

HUDSON: Yeah, y’all know.

LAURA: I still don’t.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: So, it’s actually me saying hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’ like Limp Bizkit does from the song Rollin’ where he goes rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.

LAURA: Oh. It’s not funny anymore. You explained it. [laughter] You can’t explain it! This is all gonna get cut.

NICK: Maybe.

HUDSON: Maybe not.

LAURA: Who knows!

NICK: Maybe not. So, before we get into a recap of the episode let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two dark side.

CAMERON: Oh no.

LAURA: I tried, everyone. I tried.

CAMERON: Good job, Laura. We appreciate you.

NICK: Alright. Last time you were enrolled in a volleyball tournament. Tink had to recruit two more players, tried to bring on Web-Web who turns out is on Sesid for some reason, did not manage to convince them that playing volleyball while they are currently gut shot was a lot of fun or a good idea, but did manage to recruit two other people: John Placeholder and Nugget, the Neelabi vacation taker who just happened to be around. You had your first volleyball match and managed to win due to forfeit, just barely, and you were about to start your next match which was against some weird alternate dimension mirror team of yours, a team comprised of Tonk, IG-67, Korma, Xionna, Stix, and Joan. Yeah. So that’s where we’re going to start off.

The camera will pan up the sun. It’s probably about 10:00 at this point, maybe 11. The sun is getting kind of high in the sky. The referee is handing the ball off to the first side to start, and the two teams square off in a weird mirror image of each other. It looks like art and fan art. It’s just very close to the same thing. We’re gonna go ahead and roll to see how this game goes. Do you all change positions at all?

CAMERON: I think we actually… Everyone’s positioning seemed good last time, it’s just all the rolls were shitty.

NICK: Yeah. You were getting black dice due to one person’s position, but that’s fine.

HUDSON: So, I practice my trash talk by yelling at the ref. “Hey ref, get off your knees! You’re blowing the game!” Even though the game hasn’t started yet, like it’s just practice.

NICK: “Oh, thank you sir! What great heckling. I’m sure that won’t influence my opinions on your team’s performance.”

LAURA: “Tink, do not heckle the referees, please.”

CAMERON: The great thing is that Tonk yelled that at the exact same time.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Um…

HUDSON: Not the exact same time.

NICK: No… Tonk did yell something at the same time. I’m trying to think of something you would yell at a ref that’s not horrendously offensive.

LAURA: ‘I like your shorts…!’

HUDSON: ‘Clap, clap, BULLSHIT.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Tonk yelled, ‘Ref, you’re not wearing your glasses, because that call was dumb!’ at the same time.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Yup. The referee just smiles at both of you with that giant, slightly unsettling sharky grin. Yeah. Are you changing positions around or are you keeping them the same?

LAURA: Can Xianna do some sort of Perception check to figure out who didn’t do great in their position?

NICK: You don’t have to. You could just ask me.

LAURA: Oh, okay. What should we do? [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] We would like to do a Perception check.

LAURA: ‘Dear game master…’

HUDSON: ‘Dear God.’

LAURA: I was about to say game leader, because I couldn’t remember what it was.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: ‘Dear Rule Sayer,’ [laughs]

LAURA: ‘Dearest Game Leader.’

CAMERON: ‘Dear Camp Counselor,’

LAURA: ‘Please tell us what we are doing wrong. We are so small, and so tired, and have no money.’ [laughs]

NICK: So, you think back to the way the last game went, and it all went pretty well, everyone played their positions well, but there was something about Nugget’s constant attempts at leadership that was extremely distracting. There were times where you were about to go for a hit and Nugget would go “Oh wow, great job, keep it up guys,” and it was just at the wrong time and things didn’t go quite as well as they could have. But yeah, you look back on it and Nugget, while trying hard and actually doing a decent job on the defensive side, as far as being a leader on the team was very distracting. That’s what was distracting you, Nugget just maybe not the best leadership skills. Fish means well, fish tries hard, fish is not a great leader. Now you’re stuck with where do we put Nugget.

LAURA: What did that particular position require as far as a roll?

CAMERON: Leadership.

LAURA: Leadership is Presence… I have no points in leadership, but a 3 in Presence.

CAMERON: Same.

HUDSON: I have no points in Leadership, but a 2 in Presence.

LAURA: So definitely not you.

HUDSON: Yeah, not me.

NICK: Looking at it from the game, if you were to move Nugget to a more tactical position, it would probably result in a black die going to whoever their partner was in the position, because if you want them to be, say, a setter they may get in the way of the other setter, whereas with the defensive specialist they bounced around enough and didn’t really impact one person too much.

CAMERON: Basically it’s all three of us can have black dice by getting distracted from Nugget yelling at us or Nugget’s partner can get a black die.

NICK: Two black dice.

CAMERON: Two black dice?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Hmm…

NICK: Not tremendously physically gifted, this one.

LAURA: Okay, but hear me out… What if I give Nugget some drugs? Just what, what happens?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: And, we drop into in-character conversation.

LAURA: [laughing] We’re doing a huddle. “Okay, so Nugget, fosh is not good at this game. So short, very short.”

NICK: ‘Hey, I’m like right here, and that’s not super nice. I do have my stepstool. I think I compensated pretty well.”

LAURA: “I know, I know Nugget, but you—I don’t think they’d let you have the stepladder in the game.”

NICK: “Well, my new best friend Stix over there has fish’s hover pad.”

LAURA: “Do you have a hover pad?”

NICK: ‘No. I have the stepstool because the hover pads aren’t as reliable, like they have breakdowns, so I have this stepstool, but I could technically use it, it’s just gonna take a little while to set up and make sure it’s stable and inspect the footing every time because that’s how you have to be safe by galactic standards, but then you can—“

LAURA: “I don’t think that’s gonna work for how fast this game moves.”

CAMERON: “Especially not on sand.”

LAURA: “I’m only just understanding the rules and it does not seem like that would work. What if you take some impact or some glitterstim and maybe you could jump higher? That other Twi’lek said that the glitterstim could make you psychically move the ball. I don’t know if that is true or not.”

CAMERON: “That is false.”

NICK: “Well now I’m kind of conflicted, because I’ve never done drugs before, but I’m not against drugs. I don’t think this would be like a peer pressure thing, because you know I’m on vacation, I’m willing to try new experiences.”

LAURA: “Oh yeah, no pressure, just if you want them I have them.”

NICK: “Right.”

LAURA: “You also could… jump higher? Can you just do that? I don’t know. We can build you a little mound of sand in one area, and then you can stand on the mound of sand and be higher up.”

NICK: Nugget’s legs look kind of like chicken thighs if you turn them backwards. They’re very small and they have inverted knees and long ankles, and they’re not super flexible. They would probably be good for swimming but not great for jumping. Nugget just kind of gestures at fosh’s legs. “So, yeah, jumping’s kind of hard. That’s why I have the stepstool actually. But you know, I’ll play whatever position you want, I’m fine with that, and I could take some drugs. I’d take some drugs. Yeah. Let’s do some drugs. Let’s see how that goes.”

LAURA: “Do you want impact or glitterstim? I have both!”

NICK: “Which one did you take earlier?”

LAURA: “Impact.”

NICK: “I’ll take glitterstim.”

LAURA: “Okay cool!” [laughs] I give fosh some glitterstim.

NICK: Nugget just kind of takes it and shakes it like fish flakes into their breathing collar, like the little water tank around their gills, and it floats through and dissolves into the water. I forgot to mention that Nugget’s wearing goggles over their eyes with water in it so that they can see better and their eyes don’t dry out. You see their eyes widen real big under the goggles and they’re kind of jittery, and fish goes “WHOOOAAA…”

CAMERON: I’m gonna say while these drugs were happening Karma had gone over to talk to the ref and see if the hover board and the stepladder could be used in regulation play, so Karma does not see the drugs being handed out to the people who previously were not doing drugs.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna’s just kneeling down, like “Okay, don’t look at the sun.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “It’s going to seem very pretty, but you don’t want to look at it. It is too bright.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “Two! Make sure you drink lots of water. Okay? Lots of water.”

NICK: [slowed down] “I’m 90% water…”

LAURA: “Yes, that is why it is so important to drink water, so that you don’t get dehydrated and shrivel up into a little dried fishy.

NICK: “Drink water. Stare at the sun. Got it.”

LAURA: “Don’t stare at the sun! Don’t. It will hurt your eyes. You won’t notice though, because of the pretty colors.”

NICK: ‘Oh. Okay. I see how this could work. I’m sort of getting used to it. How come there’s seven balls floating around? I thought we just played with one. Maybe those are like Nautolan rules? This is pretty cool.”

LAURA: “We do. No, that is the drugs.”

NICK: “Oh…”

LAURA: “This might make it worse.”

NICK: “Yeah. This doesn’t seem like I’m gonna get better at volleyball this way, but let’s try it and see how it goes.”

LAURA: “We will just try it, and if you don’t like this you can just sit on the sidelines until that passes. Yes.”

NICK: “I feel like my voice is really changing registers sometimes…”

LAURA: “It is! It definitely is. Yes. It’s okay though.”

NICK: ‘Huh… Is that like a thing that happens to people when they take glitterstim? I’ve never—“

LAURA: “Yes, it is. Different drugs, many drugs do that.”

NICK: “Okay. Oh… Alright.”

LAURA: “Anyways. We have to play volleyball I think. Do we? Yes.”

NICK: “Alright. Where am I playing? Am I still doing the same thing?”

CAMERON: Karma comes back over. “Okay, so the ref said—“

NICK: “Karma~!

CAMERON: “Yes Nugget?”

NICK: “Hi~…”

CAMERON: “Hi sweetie.”

LAURA: “Nugget did some drugs.”

CAMERON: “… Oh great.”

NICK: “I did glitterstim and it’s been a lot of fun but at times seems to be sort of like this ever changing stream and it’s not linear anymore. Is that bad?”

CAMERON: “[exhales]”

LAURA: “It’s going to be fine. It is not linear so they are going to know where the ball is before the ball gets there. It will be great.”

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

NICK: “We simultaneously won, lost, and haven’t started yet.”

LAURA: “They asked for it.”

NICK: “I did ask for the drugs.”

LAURA: “Fosh asked for the glitterstim. No peer pressure. I don’t do that.”

CAMERON: “Okay…”

LAURA: “I think we are going to lose.”

CAMERON: “Nugget, the ref said that as long as you and your friend on the other team, Stix, both decide that y’all want to use your stool and repulser thing then y’all can use them, but y’all have to make the decision together so that it’s fair.”

NICK: “Okay! Let me go talk to the other guy real quick…”

CAMERON: [forced cheery] “Okay~”

NICK: Nugget wanders off to the net. You can see that Stix seems really jittery like they have taken something as well, and they both start talking and laughing, and it ends with them both sitting down, back to back, staring up at the net just waving their flippers in the air.

LAURA & CAMERON: [giggles]

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

LAURA: “Okay. I just offered if fosh wanted any, and fosh did. I wasn’t going to use the glitterstim anyways. Oh shit! I was going to trade it with the other Twi’lek for more impact!”

CAMERON: “It’s okay, I think—“

LAURA: “Shit!”

CAMERON: “I think Nugget’s friend took impact as well, so the other Twi’lek seems to be down a dose there too.”

LAURA: “Oh, okay. We can still do an even trade. Okay good.”

CAMERON: “I feel like this might be taking advantage of Nugget slightly, even if you’re not doing peer pressure, and I know you’re very respectful like that, but Nugget doesn’t appear to me to be a person who has a lot of experience with friends… given the stories that fosh was telling earlier, so I just feel like fosh might have taken the drugs to fit in.”

LAURA: “I did actually try to get them not to, just a little bit, maybe not as much as I should. Anyways, I think it will be fine. I told them not to stare at the sun.”

CAMERON: “Okay…”

NICK: The camera drops from Karma’s and Xianna’s faces down three feet and you see Nugget suddenly standing there. “Hey guys. What are we talking about?”

CAMERON: “We’re just about to start this game, Nugget.”

NICK: “Great. I’ve got a stepstool. I think it’s wearing off. Everything seems fine now except for that the sand is on fire… but it doesn’t feel hot so I’m sure it’s fine.”

LAURA: “It’s fine. Yes.”

CAMERON: “Yep.”

LAURA: “Uh-huh!”

NICK: “Great. Let’s do this thing.”

LAURA: “Let’s play.”

NICK: “Am I still defensive specialist? I think that’s how this conversation got started.”

CAMERON: “yes, you are. You did a great job last time.”

LAURA: “Are you? Okay!”

NICK: “That’s good. I tried to really make sure that all of my encouragement and strategic advice was personalized for each person’s preferences. I’m really glad that you noticed. I tried really hard.”

CAMERON: “Really appreciated that. I felt very loved.”

NICK: Alright, let’s roll some dice.

[laughter]

LAURA: Also, I would just like to state that I have the rules for glitterstim written on my page and I didn’t look at them until after I gave Nugget the glitterstim.

[laughter]

NICK: What does glitterstim do?

LAURA: Adds three boost dice to any Perception and Vigilance checks.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Great!

NICK: Super useful.

LAURA: Very useful. So we still have the black die?

NICK: No, we’ll take the black die away.

CAMERON: Yay.

NICK: Because Nugget’s a little more wrapped up in fish’s own problems at this point.

HUDSON: A success and three threats.

CAMERON: Karma just got four advantages.

LAURA: Xianna got three successes and one advantage.

CAMERON: What was Nugget’s roll? Nugget was three greens for Leadership?

NICK: Yup, with a blue die actually.

CAMERON: With a blue die… Oh, good job, Nugget. That was useful. Nugget got two successes. HK was… two successes.

NICK: Wow. John once again contributes nothing but stays out of the way, staying net zero. You’re actually extremely successful here. You ended up with two advantages and like seven successes. Yeah. You slaughter your alternate selves. It’s not even close. The little differences in the crew become extremely apparent as they are even less specialized in volleyball than you are. Xionna is extremely distracted by the hallucinogens that they’ve taken and is basically windmilling around not hitting the ball. She punches her friends a couple of times. Tonk is much more interested in the Star Wars Pokémon Go stop that is nearby [laughter] and keeps trying to catch space Caterpies instead of play the game. Korma is a much more helicopter mom, constantly critiquing people and being a little less supportive and a little more aggressive in her advice, which doesn’t go well. So you win three sets straight, knock them out, you go to shake hands, and you are off to the next round.

What we’re actually going to do is montage through a couple of these, because I said there were four rounds. We’ll skip the next one. It’s against another series of placeholder teams. They look like the Mandalorian models from Clone Wars. It’s two different guys, three each of the two different guys, and that’s a pretty neutral game. Before we get to that, you go to shake hands with the other team. Do you say anything to the various people?

LAURA: Xianna goes to shake hands and she has her three little vials of glitterstim in her hand and she only goes to shake hands with Xionna.

NICK: Xionna shakes your hand, feels the vials, and goes “Ohhhh… Right! Hey, here’s the impact you wanted!” and hands you three baggies of impact.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: [laughs] Xianna holds out her hands and takes them, just cupped holding bags of impact. “Okay, thank you! Hank! Hank, you have my bag. Where is my bag? I have drugs!” Heh.

NICK: “Commentary: I have left your bag over on the sidelines as it would impede my movement.” You can see it’s got sand kicked on it. People have obviously been talking around it and messing with it.

LAURA: “Hank! What if someone stole my drugs?!”

NICK: “Observation: That seems like a personal problem.” Hank goes over and goes to do a handshake with the IG-67 droid and their fingers kind of click and there’s a spark. Tink, you can almost sense the ones and zeroes passing between them, and they step away and HK says “Acknowledgement: You are a worthy foe.” And walks away. The IG-67 droid spins all those weird camera lenses on its head and just beeps for a second and walks off.

CAMERON: Karma walks up to her mirror image.

NICK: Korma.

CAMERON: Korma. [laughs] Korma sounds so country.

NICK: Yeah, you beat me to it.

CAMERON: Alright, so that’s Korma’s  accent. “Good game!” And shakes her hand.

NICK: “Aw, why thanks. Bless your heart. You know, my team just never really, uh, put it together. I’m gonna have to talk to them about working harder as a crew. I think they’re a little distractible.”

CAMERON: Karma’s eyes go real big as Korma starts talking. [laughing] She’s like no, no, no.

NICK: “Why, what’s the problem, hun?”

CAMERON: “Nothing! Good game. I’m very inspired by the way you led your team.”

NICK: “Well, you know, sometimes you can’t baby people anymore. You just gotta tell ‘em to suck it up and get good.”

CAMERON: “Yep. I’m sure that’s gon’ work out. Gosh darn it. I am sure that is going to work out great for you.”

LAURA: ‘I am person.’

CAMERON: Yup. I do not have an accent!

NICK: [musically] It’s contagious as hell~

CAMERON: Catching the accent was in character. That was Karma catching the accent.

NICK: “Well, it’s all fine. I’ll be seeing you around. You staying a couple more days?”

CAMERON: “I honestly have no idea, but I really like your headband.”

NICK: “Aw, well thanks. Goodbye.”

CAMERON: “Later.”

NICK: Nugget and Stix walk up to each other and you all overhear them talking. Nugget goes, ‘Hey, don’t you think it’s a little weird that like we’re kind of the same group. It’s like someone made some cruel joke and just did a pallet swap, and there’s two—Isn’t that kind of weird or is that just the glitterstim talking?”

Stix goes, “Oh no, it’s definitely the glitterstim. These are two very distinct groups. We’re all our own individuals. I’ll be seeing you around. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” They hug, but it’s like two penguins trying to hug, because they have their little flippers, and Nugget totters back to you.

LAURA & CAMERON: Aww~

NICK:  Tonk doesn’t even come to the net, he just sends a text to Tink’s com that’s like “Hey. Found your info. Will be in touch,” and like winks at you and walks away.

HUDSON: Tink replies, “mkay lol.”

[laughter]

CAMERON: Deadpan. Lol

NICK: Cool. We get back to the placeholder Mandalorian team that you’re able to beat and we are in the finals!

CAMERON: [hums trumpet victory tune]

HUDSON: [makes air horn noises]

LAURA: [one long air horn noise]

NICK: There is one person with an air horn doing that.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Someone else has a vuvuzela.

[several make long, deep horn noises]

NICK: Good harmonizing. So, the camera does like in a sports video game before you actually start playing, how it does all the scenic shots of the arena. It pans up on the crew of the Afternoon Delight & Co. who are stretching out. You have been pretty successful. I think at this point everyone’s a little bit cocky. Nugget looks a little dizzy and is sweating slightly, which is interesting because they’re an aquatic species, but it looks like they’re coming down off of their glitterstim a little bit. The camera pans around, it does a sweeping shot, you hear all this crowd noise [hiss of cheering]. There’s four people in the stands, because no one’s waiting for their games because this is the final and everyone else had snorkeling and stuff to do, they didn’t really feel like watching.

CAMERON: [chants] White Wookie, White Wookie, White Wookie!

LAURA: [joins the chant]

HUDSON: [laughs] All four of them.

NICK: One of the people in the stands is Web-Web who is calmly cleaning their nails with their vibro-kukri and looking very intimidating, but also supportive. I think Tink makes eye contact with Web-Web and Web-Web gives him a smile and a thumbs up. The camera pans over to the other team and it is a group of Fillithars. For those of you who are not familiar with Star Wars, that’s the species that Leia was friends with in one of the comics—

LAURA: No!

CAMERON: You’re so full of shit!

[laughter]

LAURA: Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a book! And it was one of the other junior council members. They were a snake.

HUDSON: [mockingly] For those of you who don’t know Star Wars…

LAURA: For those of you who don’t know, let me say everything incorrectly.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: [mockingly] I think Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a comic~

NICK: I haven’t read shit!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Anyway. Fillithars, they’re a snake-like species with no arms or legs, so they’ve done surprisingly well to get here. They’re all wearing purple jerseys, but they’re kind of tied around their necks and just flopping, because they don’t have arms or legs so it’s hard to wear. They come in and they’re thumping their heads in the sand, and you get a [thump, thump, hiss (x3)]. Their team name is Galactic **Gym, and—

CAMERON: [sighs heavily]

NICK: [laughs] The referee invites you all to shake hands which is a little awkward.

CAMERON: [smiling] We all just give hugs.

HUDSON: Wait, do we have a coming out song?

NICK: You are all already out. It’s weird that they have one.

HUDSON: Oh, okay.

CAMERON: [laughing] We do not make our own music.

HUDSON: No, we don’t need to make our own music. I was thinking—What’s a Star Wars race that’s like a dragon?

CAMERON: A krayt dragon?

HUDSON: Oh, they actually have dragons?

LAURA: Yeah, there are actual dragon things.

NICK: There’s a big old dragon.

HUDSON: So we walk out to Imagine Dragons then.

LAURA: Imagine Krayt Dragons.

HUDSON & CAMERON: Imagine Krayt Dragons.

NICK: Ugh. I don’t like that at all.

LAURA: Imagine Zillo Beast.

NICK: No other teams have done a synchronized entrance or anything. Most of them have just walked up like hey, let’s play some volleyball. This is a little weird that they have this choreographed entrance. From the way the ref’s smile is kind of frozen on his face he has seen this every round and it still weirds him out a little bit. [others chuckle] “Everybody, if you’ll shake hands at the net we can get started.” You get to the other team and they don’t have arms, and it’s a little awkward.

LAURA: “Excuse me, referee! What do we do if certain species do  not have arms and therefore hands?”

NICK: “You know, it doesn’t come up that often considering we’re playing volleyball, but—“

CAMERON: “However, you have had this team play in three other games, so you would think that you would have figured out this wording at this point.”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LAURA: “Do we head bump? I’m going to head bump.”

NICK: [laughs] You go up and you head bump the biggest Fillithar, and he says “Sss… Thanks. That’s pretty cool. That is actually our cultural version of a handshake. That’s really neat that you know that. I appreciate that.”

LAURA: “Oh, I guessed, but thank you!”

HUDSON: I blew a kiss instead of shaking a hand.

NICK: One of the Fillithar blushes furiously and slithers to their position. Nugget carefully unfolds their stepstool and climbs to the top and tries to head bump, but they don’t really have a waist, they just have a torso that connects at the hip so by leaning forward like that on the stool they start to lose their balance, and the Fillithar they’re opposite of head bumps them and leans them back up onto the stool so they don’t fall off… and the game is set to begin.

CAMERON: I like this team. They’re good people.

NICK: “Sss… Have a good game.”

CAMERON: “You too!”

NICK: And we’re gonna roll for the CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND.

CAMERON: Karma got one success.

LAURA: Alright. Xianna got a triumph with a success and four additional successes.

NICK: Whoa. Okay.

CAMERON: HK just got a triumph.

HUDSON: I have three successes and a threat.

CAMERON: And Nugget got two successes and one threat.

NICK: We only got two threats on the roll, guys. Bummer. So, I think the threats are that it’s pretty much mid-day at this point and it’s really hot and you all take some strain damage. You take a couple of strain. You don’t really need to mark it down. I can’t think of a reason that would be important.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughing] Okay!

NICK: If you get into combat immediately after the tournament I will remember, but otherwise you’re good. You win, strongly. You ended up with two triumphs and like eight successes.

HUDSON: Do we break their nose by spiking a ball in their face?

NICK: You would, but their noses aren’t really breakable because it’s part of their skull, so like you bruise a nose.

CAMERON: We keep scoring extra points because when we spike it we’re hitting down in between their coils and it counts as a basket.

HUDSON: Oh…

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [laughs] That’s how volleyball works.

NICK: That’s how volleyball works. Well, it does when you play giant snake species.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm!

NICK: I’m gonna say that your triumphs go towards… It’s a really fun game, it’s close but you feel pretty confident about it. The other team is really well organized, they work well together, they’re very good at volleyball since because they are very long they can stretch out and get their heads under the ball very easily, but you’ve really bonded as a team. Both teams have a great time. You win towards the end, but everyone really feels like they’ve developed as people and come to know their teams better.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The sun begins to go down, we’re getting into the afternoon as you win. The referee blows the final whistle on their giant, oversized whistle. “Wow guys, the winners are… Rawr~. Thank you so much for playing with us today.”

CAMERON: “Yay~”

LAURA: “What do we win?”

NICK: “You win this championship cup!” They hold up a coffee mug that says Thrinaka Resort Volleyball Champions, and it’s got sparkles baked into the clay so it’s very nice.

CAMERON: Ooh.

LAURA: “Wait. It is just a coffee mug? There’s no money?”

NICK: “It’s the championship cup!”

HUDSON: “It’s accolades.”

LAURA: “Fuck you!” Heh.

HUDSON: “Whoa…”

NICK: “This is an activity planned for your relaxation. That’s the real winner.”

LAURA: “Ugh. Tink… Tink, what the hell, man? Why would you do this to us?”

HUDSON: “I never said there were prizes beyond—“

LAURA: “I assumed you signed us up because there was like a cool grand prize of like money.”

CAMERON: Karma has walked over to her bag and has gotten water bottles out and is passing them out to everybody on the team.

NICK: And oranges?

CAMERON: Yes.

LAURA: Orange slices?

CAMERON: Orange slices, and little bag apples.

HUDSON: And Capri Suns.

NICK: The referee has set the mug down in the sand near Tink and has started to back away, and when he gets to a safe distance he just turns and starts instructing people on tearing down the volleyball area.

LAURA: “I might hate you just a little bit.”

HUDSON: “Might eat me?”

LAURA: “hate you.”

HUDSON: “Ate me…?”

LAURA: “Haaate!”

HUDSON: “Oh, hate me.”

LAURA: “I really tried to put an H in there for you.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Hate me, okay, got it. So, you shouldn’t hate me. Hear me out. This brought us closer together as a team.”

LAURA: “Kay…”

NICK: I spent the triumphs to bring you closer together as a team.

[laughter]

CAMERON: The greatest prize was the friendship we developed along the way.

HUDSON: “Listen, I don’t know about you, but I’m about to invite John and Nugget to join our team permanently on the Afternoon Delight.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, okay, so about that…”

HUDSON: “Great, it’s done.”

LAURA: “I would accept Nugget—“

HUDSON: “Nugget! John!”

LAURA: “No, just Nugget.”

HUDSON: “Nugget!”

LAURA: “No John.”

HUDSON: “John and Nugget.”

LAURA: “No! Just Nugget.”

NICK: [laughing] They’re both like within ten feet of you.

[laughter]

HUDSON: “Attention, John and Nugget!”

NICK: “yeah, what’s up? I’m really happy about how this went. I feel like triumphantly that we really bonded together and I really appreciate these personal relationships.”

LAURA: “Yeah… John… Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee please? I’m just very tired.”

NICK: “You know, normally I would be suspicious of that kind of behavior, but now that we’re such good friends and we’re the champions of the volleyball tournament, of course I will, friend.” He goes to chuck you on the shoulder and then reconsiders and stops, and then just clicks his tongue and runs off into the lobby to go find coffee.

CAMERON: [laughing] All I can think of is ‘This is a triumph, I’m making a note here, huge success.’

HUDSON: [laughs] ‘It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.’

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: The moment John has turned away Xianna turns to everyone else. “No, we are not asking John to join the crew. So forgettable.”

CAMERON: “John has a very important accounting job to get back to.”

LAURA: “I don’t think he could.”

HUDSON: “We could use an accountant.”

LAURA: “I honestly forgot his name was even John. I forgot he was on our team at one point.”

NICK: You see Nugget’s head bob into the frame as fosh climbs fosh’s stepstool to get closer to head height with everyone. “You know, he was fine or whatever, but I don’t feel like he really contributed a lot. I feel like he was just kind of there because he didn’t have anywhere else to be. So what are we talking about?”

HUDSON: “Nugget, do you want to be on the Afternoon Delight as a permanent team member?”

NICK: “Wow… Um, this is a lot really fast actually.”

LAURA: “Our ship is a converted party yacht. It has a Jacuzzi, a hot tub, many of the beds are round and they rotate, and there are disco balls in the room. I know at least my room you can clap on for the disco ball and music starts playing. It is very fun.”

NICK: “Are you hitting on me?”

LAURA: “Only a little bit.”

NICK: “Okay, that’s cool.”

LAURA: “There is some sort of rat in the ship currently, but I think we are going to become friends with it and keep it as a pet.”

CAMERON: “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

LAURA: “I’m going to name it Creamsicle. There is a weird sex room but we don’t actually know where it is. We only occasionally find it.”

CAMERON: “The ship is called the Mourning Despair, we just call ourselves the crew the Afternoon Delight, because it’s a funny joke.”

LAURA: ‘No, the ship is called the Afternoon Delight. We lied about it because we do illegal things.”

CAMERON: “Xianna—“ [laughs] Come on~

NICK: So, Nugget hops down off of fish stepstool and closes it and slings it over their back. ‘Hey guys, this has been really great and I feel like we’ve bonded. It’s not you, it’s me… but I’m just  not really ready for that kind of commitment. I appreciate it.”

LAURA: “No, I understand. We are a lot.”

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: “Yeah, and you know, people have told me that before and I never really had a reference for it, but I can really understand… Your droid is really talkative.”

CAMERON: Pfft—[laughs]

LAURA: “Yeah. Hank is an assassin droid, too.”

HUDSON: “Oh my god.”

NICK: “Objection: That makes no logical sense.”

LAURA: “I don’t know. I just felt like putting it in there. I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Ha. That’s what I felt like last night with Nugget’s mom.”

[pained laughter]

LAURA: “Don’t say that about Nugget’s mother!”

CAMERON: “Tink!”

HUDSON: “It was a joke!”

LAURA: “Tink!”

CAMERON: ‘Uncalled for!”

HUDSON: “We’re much closer together now! We can do these jokes! You know!”

LAURA: “Tink, you look at me. Your parents are alive still. I will go have sex with both of them.”

HUDSON: “… No you won’t.”

LAURA: “You test me! I will do it!”

NICK: As I start taking notes…

HUDSON: “I would love to test you before you have sex with my mother…”

CAMERON: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “Wait. I am very confused and I don’t like where this is going, Tink. You made it weird. You!”

HUDSON: “No, not test you like that, test you for like StarTDs.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “That’s not what they are called, Tink, and you made it weird. You made it weird. … So anyways, bye Nugget. I understand we are, um, how you say, so much. Very extra.”

NICK: “Well, and you know, that’s okay. There was this one time that this other group of illegal bounty hunters and smugglers tried to invite me to their group, but really they just weren’t as hardcore as I was looking for. They didn’t even have a rocket launcher, so I’m gonna—“

LAURA: “Oh shit! Do we have a rocket launcher?!”

CAMERON: “Sure.”

NICK: “Reassurance: I’ve got you covered.”

LAURA: “Oh, I love you, Hank.”

NICK: “So like, that’ snot the point, this is kind of a different thing. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. This is actually my last day on planet, so…”

CAMERON: “Aww.”

NICK: ‘It’s been really good, and I really appreciate all the times that we’ve had, but I’m gonna go now because I’m just kind of tired and I’m gonna go take a bath, but thank you for the invite and you all are really sweet, it’s just not my jam right now. I hope you understand.”

HUDSON: “Bye Nugget.”

CAMERON: “Bye Nugget~”

LAURA: “I understand. Bye nugget. Call us!” Call me!”

NICK: Nugget re-unfolds fish stepstool and climbs up and puts a flipper on Tink’s shoulder. “Tink, I can tell that I’ve hurt your feelings, and for that I do apologize, because you are the best of us and I really appreciate the energy that you bring to this group, and I need you to look after Xianna and karma because I feel like they’ve got a lot of learning to do and you can provide that knowledge for them.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: “Oh my gosh! You took the words right out of my brain! Thank you so much.”

NICK: “That’s probably the last of the glitterstim. Anyway, bye!”

CAMERON: [giggling] Karma’s just quietly eating her orange slices.

NICK: As Nugget walks by fish holds out their flippers for an orange slice.

CAMERON: I hand another. I give fish two orange slices.

NICK: If you remember, they have a mouth like Beaker from The Muppets so it just swings open like a trap door and Nugget tosses them into the hatch and closes with this weird slurping noise, and they toddle off down the beach.

CAMERON: “Guys, I feel kind of abandoned.”

LAURA: Xianna is on one of the lounge chairs, asleep, an orange slice on her face.

CAMERON: “Okay, more abandoned now.”

HUDSON: “I’m with you.”

CAMERON: “I know, but… I don’t know.”

HUDSON: “Wait. You’re saying that you feel abandoned even with me here? Well fine!” And I walk away.

CAMERON: “Tink!” [laughs] Aw.

NICK: “Reassurance: I am within your proximity.”

CAMERON: “Thanks, HK.”

NICK: He just stares at you, dead-eyed. So, I think the group has moved over closer to the pool, so while that scene is happening, in the background you see John Placeholder show up with a tray of coffee and look around, and he can’t see where you all went, and he just shrugs and tosses the coffee into the sand and walks off.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Aw. Now we all feel bad. [laughs]

NICK: I think we get the shot of another montage of relaxation; Xianna’s sleeping on a lounge chair, Tink stomps off, I think he comes back very shortly after with a tiki drink.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Do you bring Karma a tiki drink as a peace offering?

HUDSON: Yes, I bring Karma a tiki drink.

CAMERON: Yay~

HUDSON: Mine doesn’t have alcohol in it though.

NICK: Hmm, straight edge.

HUDSON: Yep. Keep the edge.

CAMERON: Shirley Temple.

HUDSON: Shirley Temple in a tiki glass.

NICK: It’s gotten to the point when you walk up to any of the places they just hand you a Shirley Temple in various different glasses so it feels like you’re drinking different stuff but it’s the same drink every time. They know what you’re drinking. We get a shot of everybody hanging by the pool, and I think it transitions to night time and you’re all sitting around that bonfire again making s’mores, and HK is doing his rotisserie impression. “Conjecture: If I do this for you all the time you’ll never learn how to make your own sweet snacks.”

LAURA: “Look hank, I have roasted many things over many fires. I know how to do this. I am just very tired, okay?”

HUDSON: “My hair always catches on fire. I don’t like doing it.”

LAURA: “yes, look at him, he is so hairy.”

CAMERON: “I’ve just roasted so many marshmallows because the twins would always catch them on fire, and frankly I’m just sick of roasting marshmallows, Hank. I love eating them though, so I’m very appreciative that you’re willing to help us out by roasting them, but I assure you my skills are there, I’m just burnt out on roasting them myself.”

NICK: “Theoretic Query: Would you not say that the real s’mores were the friends that we made along the way?”

CAMERON: [snorts] ‘No, I would not.” [laughs]

LAURA: “No. Tink, I am going to use you as a pillow because you are soft. Hank, when the s’mores are done just… just push one into my mouth, okay?”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

HUDSON: “Guys… I forgot to tell you—“

CAMERON: “No.”

[laughter]

HUDSON: “While I was in the lobby there was this table…”

LAURA: ‘If you sign us up for any other things I will stab you.”

HUDSON: “Sign you up for a softball tour—I’m just kidding. I haven’t signed us up for anything.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

LAURA: “I will stab you.”

CAMERON: “I actually had a lot of fun with the volleyball tournament, Tink. I think that was a good idea.”

HUDSON: “Awesome. I do have good ideas. I’m glad people appreciate them every once in a while.”

LAURA: “I tolerated it.”

CAMERON: “I thought some of our new teammates were very good.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. I think so too.”

LAURA: “Nugget was nice.”

CAMERON: “I liked Nugget.”

LAURA: “Did we have a sixth person…?”

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Um… Yeah?”

LAURA: “No, there were five, it was five people on a team.”

CAMERON: ‘No, volleyball has six, we had to have had another person.”

HUDSON: ‘I think it was Toulouse?”

CAMERON: “Or was it Juan?”

LAURA: “No, I think we just agreed to only have five people. That sounds right.”

CAMERON: “Huh…”

HUDSON: “No, it was Toulouse.”

LAURA: “Who is Toulouse?”

HUDSON: “Our sixth person. I named them.”

LAURA: “What did they look like?”

CAMERON: “I thought you named Nugget Toulouse.”

LAURA: “Yeah!”

HUDSON: “No, Nugget was—Oh wait. Did I name Nugget Toulouse? Yeah, you’re right. No, we didn’t have a sixth person.”

LAURA: “Yeah, it was only five people. I told you that.”

CAMERON: “Huh…”

HUDSON: Around the corner in a tree you can see John looking and just leering at us with tears running down his face saying ‘revenge.’

CAMERON: Oh no. [laughs]

LAURA: No! [laughs]

NICK: No-ho-ho~ [laughs]

LAURA: I feel bad that we’re terrible people.

NICK: We get a shot of John and he’s sitting over with a group of Humans and they’re all kind of chatting and laughing and he’s nearby. You can tell he’s talking to someone. It must be something boring because they don’t look super interested, but he seems to be happy and having fun. He has not been abandoned. He is also having a good vacation.

CAMERON: That’s good. I’m glad we didn’t make an accountant enemy.

NICK: Yeah, you know, all of the accounting you do, you could have been in real big trouble.

CAMERON: [emphatically] I know, right?

HUDSON: More the lack of accounting we do. We didn’t ‘account’ for that, did we?

LAURA: I mean, I don’t think it would matter for anybody except maybe karma. She seems like she might be the kind of person who actually does her taxes, and like on time and early.

CAMERON: Yeah… she probably does.

HUDSON: “Alright! So we had five people on the team. That’s settled.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. What do y’all want to do tomorrow?”

HUDSON: “Well, I didn’t sign us up for that softball tournament because I thought you all wouldn’t want to do it.”

LAURA: “I don’t.”

CAMERON: ‘You do need more people, more than five people for softball.”

HUDSON: ‘Oh.”

CAMERON: “And Nugget said today was fosh’s last day.”

LAURA: “Is there a buffet? We could go to the buffet tomorrow.”

HUDSON: “There are 24 hour ice cream cones I’ve been meaning for us to go to.”

CAMERON: “[gasps]”

LAURA: “I don’t want ice cream. We’re getting, uh, whatever these—“

HUDSON: “WE’RE GETTING ICE CREAM.”

LAURA: “—marshmallow things are. You can get ice cream if you want, Tink. Do not yell at me.”

HUDSON: “We were a cohesive team after that volleyball game!”

LAURA: “Tink… Stop it.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Tink, we’ll all walk and go get ice cream, but Xianna doesn’t have to eat ice cream if she doesn’t want to.”

HUDSON: “Fine.”

NICK: HK at this point, from the corner of Xianna’s mouth, shoves a marshmallow into her mouth while you’re talking.

[laughter]

LAURA: [pretending mouth is full] “Thank you, Hank.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.” He goes to gently shove a marshmallow into Karma’s mouth.

CAMERON: Karma just takes it off of the roasting stick and puts it onto the graham cracker and chocolate and actually makes a s’more and eats it. [laughs]

NICK: His shoulders droop a little, and then…

CAMERON: “Thank you, HK.”

NICK: …he goes to shove the other two from his other hand into Tink’s mouth.

HUDSON: I take both my hands, grab it, and eat it like a squirrel eats a nut.

[laughter]

LAURA: Oh, we’re garbage.

NICK: So, you’re hanging out around the bonfire. You’re talking. We get a swipe cut to the four of you sitting in the comfy chairs in the lobby and Tink has a big ice cream cone. You’re all just hanging out.

LAURA: “We should all get matching tattoos.”

CAMERON: “Of what?”

LAURA: “Me.”

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: “No.”

LAURA: “I don’t know. I am very tired. Uh, you two could both get The Afternoon Delight tattooed on you. I already did it.”

CAMERON: “Would we need to get the… Jacqueline crossed out?”

LAURA: “You don’t need to. I mean, if you want to put the name of one of your exes on it with a line through it you could do that, we could all be matching, but you know more coordinating than matching.”

CAMERON: “Hmm. I’d really rather not.”

LAURA: “Then don’t.”

HUDSON: I look very introspective and I’m not really commenting on this or thinking about this, and suddenly I just go, “karma…”

CAMERON: “yes sweetie?”

HUDSON: “Do you think we’re in a simulation?”

CAMERON: [laughs] “What?”

LAURA: “Ugh. Tink, it is way too late for this.”

NICK: It’s like 9:30 at night.

[laughter]

LAURA: “I have been up… [whines]. I don’t know when Hank woke me up. It was the earliest I have ever woken up.”

NICK: “Clarification: I woke you up at 7 AM local time.”

LAURA: “That’s when I go to bed quite often. I had never seen the sun rise from like from like when I woke up and saw it. I’ve seen it rise, but in a that was how late I stayed up.”

NICK: “Sympathetic Statement: Big mood.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “You get me, Hank. You get me.”

CAMERON: “Tink, why are you asking if we’re in a simulation?”

HUDSON: ‘It just makes too much sense, but it’s scary.”

CAMERON: “Okay. I’m gonna need you to explain how it makes sense.”

NICK: Explain the brain in a jar theorem, Tink!

CAMERON: “Was it the mirror team that we played today? Because that was kind of weird.”

LAURA: “I thought they were wonderful.”

HUDSON: “I thought they were cool. What do you mean mirror team?”

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: “Never mind!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: “What was it that brought this on? I have no idea.”

LAURA: “It was the weird Humans. They’re so bland, right?”

CAMERON: “All the Mandalorians?”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Was it flashbacks from when you grew up on Mandalore?”

HUDSON: “No. I was watching conspiracy theory videos on the internet—“

CAMERON: “[groans] No, Tink…”

HUDSON: “—and then I found this one that made more sense than the others.”

CAMERON: “Don’t watch those, Tink.”

LAURA: “Tink, don’t watch those. Do you want to go get pizza?”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “You can get your weird extra cheese pizza or whatever. I’m going to get some sort of spicy pizza. It will be very tasty.”

HUDSON: “No, it’s half pepperoni, half cheese, with extra cheese.”

[laughter]

LAURA: “Hank, do you want a **none pizza left beef**? That feels like something you would order if—Wait, you can’t eat pizza. I’m sorry. I’m very tired and I am coming down off of a lot of impact.”

NICK: “Musing: I would like to order a **none pizza left beef** to see the terror in the pizza person’s eyes.”

LAURA: “I’ll do that. It will be amusing.”

NICK: So, I guess the whole crew goes upstairs to the fourth floor of the hotel and they go behind the nice restaurant and there’s a pizza restaurant with no sign.

CAMERON: Secret pizza.

LAURA: Secret pizza~

NICK: Secret pizza, that Tink found out about while space Googling this hotel. We get the Avengers style shot of everyone sitting quietly and eating their pizza and just kind of staring into space.

CAMERON: There are like seven or eight pizzas on this table. We ordered way too many pizzas.

LAURA: Well everyone got their own pizza, so there’s a half pepperoni, half cheese.

CAMERON: With extra cheese.

LAURA: With extra cheese. Some sort of spicy pizza for Xianna. I’m assuming some sort of seafood pizza for Karma.

CAMERON: Probably, yeah.

LAURA: Hank has his **none pizza left beef.**

NICK: Well, when they serve the **none pizza left beef** Hank says, “Acknowledged,” takes it off of the counter and throws it away as the people behind the counter just look at him with fear in their eyes at what kind of sociopath would order that.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LAURA: There’s also a dessert pizza, one of those apple ones that Cici’s has.

CAMERON: Mmm~ I could just go to Cici’s and just eat that. It’s so good.

NICK: Cici’s, the famous space pizza buffet.

CAMERON: yes. I used to take the twins there all the time.

LAURA: Oh, does Cici’s have an apostrophe in it already?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Then yeah, it’s canon, it has apostrophes.

NICK: It’s short for [slurs] **Ciciciaramos.

CAMERON: Pizza buffet, all you can eat for 5.55.

NICK: Credits.

CAMERON: Credits, yeah.

NICK: It’s like 7.99 now.

CAMERON: I know! It’s so expensive!

LAURA: It’s cheaper in Star Wars!

CAMERON: Back when I took the twins it was cheaper.

LAURA: Because of Star Wars rules…

CAMERON: “I used to take the twins when I was first starting out bounty hunting because kids ate free on Wednesdays, and Juke ate a lot.”

LAURA: “We never had a Cici’s. Tink, did you grow up with Cici’s? Oh, you grew up in the Empire, a real Empire planet.”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “You had a Cici’s.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah, we had a Cici’s. I especially like the dessert pizzas personally. It was pretty good stuff. There was this one, it was like an apple cinnamon crisp.”

LAURA: “We ordered that one!”

CAMERON: “Yeah! We just talked about that one. Do you want one? This one tastes very much like it.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, sure.”

LAURA: “There is also some sort of pizza I saw that looks like it has a pasta and a sauce on top of it. I want that one as well.”

HUDSON: “I’m pretty sure that’s just pasta.”

CAMERON: “No, it’s on pizza.”

LAURA: “No! It’s on a pizza!”

HUDSON: “Oh.”

LAURA: “It looks like some sort of a cheesy, sauce, pasta thing that is on top of a pizza.”

CAMERON: “You can tell someone was thinking about how great pasta was and how great pizza was and then like, whoa, what if you combined them.”

HUDSON: “Xianna, you look asleep. You look like you’re asleep and talking.”

LAURA: “Yep, I probably am.”

HUDSON: Da-na!

[laughter]

NICK: That’s the thing, I need, uh… Actually, yeah, let’s do that. End of episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: Bad ending.

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

A rack of test tubes in 2 rows of 6. The first 2 by 2 section are pink, the next section are yellow, and the final section are green.
Shots!

When the crew first meets Val in Episode 29 they find her in a bar. This particular establishment serves some unusual drinks, including brightly colored shots in test tubes. We’ve concocted some equally colorful shots with less sketchy ingredients.

We went with 3 lovely colored shots: pink, yellow, and green. And don’t worry! These great colors are all natural, coming from pineapple, watermelon, and kiwi.

A rack of test tubes in 2 rows of 6. The first 2 by 2 section are pink, the next section are yellow, and the final section are green.
1 yellow, 1 pink, and 1 green tube have been taken out and arrange on the table in front of the rack.
You can put yours in regular glasses if you want to. We guess.

Pink Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces watermelon juice*
1.5 ounces real lemon vodka

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

Yellow Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces pineapple juice
1.5 ounces coconut rum

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

Green Shots (per 3oz. shot)

1.5 ounces kiwi juice*
1.5 ounces vodka

Combine ingredients in a shot glass.

*Note:

If watermelon and kiwi juice isn’t available at your store, place peeled and chopped pieces of fruit in a food processor or blender and blend until smooth. Strain through cheesecloth or a fine mesh sieve.

Word document download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

PDF download: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 34:
Paradise Lost and Found

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode, a huge thanks goes out to TooManyAnts for their five-star iTunes review. Thank you for telling the internet about our show. You’re great. Also, I want to call out that this episode features our first Patreon submitted NPC. The suggestion for the character Nugget is brought to you by Sp4rkleFish. Thank you for your support and for becoming a part of our little corner of Star Wars.

Music this week is Somewhere Sunny, Version 2 by Kevin MacLeod and Shiny Tech by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 34! I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Uh… Hi. I have no ideas. … Moving on! Go around the table, everybody introduce themselves, say what character they are playing today, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we played – all 10 of them – then let me know what you spent them on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am hoarding my experience.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s a measly pile of 10 at the moment.

NICK: Yup. Turns out when you’re not blowing up super star destroyers the experience train comes in just a little bit slower. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! It’s great to be here, Nick!

NICK: It’s great to have you, Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’m also hoarding my points, and if you act now you can get Jar Jar Binks as your personal butler for 50% off.

NICK: What?!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Is that an experience talent tree?

HUDSON: Yeah actually.

CAMERON: Your tree doesn’t–? Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. None of your NPCs have the Jar Jar Binks butler talent?

NICK: Personal butler? Yeah, you know, the Edge of the Empire developers just really went in on the Episode 1 characters. They just really tried to force that there.

HUDSON: He’ll be your familiar, like—Oh, sorry, mesa be your familiar.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Oh, no…

LAURA: No… No.

NICK: I forgot about… that, just that character in general. Thanks. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am also saving my experience points. I’m gonna use mine to purchase Cad Bane as a familiar.

HUDSON: Ohh… Good choice.

NICK: Wear him on your head so you can have dark vision?

LAURA: Yeah. He’ll just stay on my shoulders and then he’ll kind of act as my hat and he’ll have his cool hat. It won’t work at all, but we’ll do our best.

NICK: Double hat. Sounds good. Anyway, before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Cool. Last time you had landed on the planet of Sesid at the island resort city of Thrinaka. You’ve been sent there to look for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. The crew of the ship had been contracted to smuggle you into a warzone and find the final member of Beta Squad, however you’re not sure when they’ll be on Sesid, so you’ve decided to take advantage of the situation and relax on the island while you wait. You spent a lovely day at the pool and the beach, you made some friends, and then as you waited around a bonfire eating s’mores Tink revealed that he had signed you up for a volleyball tournament scheduled for the next day. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Our ship is now called the Mourning Despair, mourning spelt like ‘you are in mourning.’

LAURA: Oh. I just had it written as regular morning.

HUDSON: No. We decided it was M-O-U.

NICK: More punny.

CAMERON: Yeah. Hudson and I discussed it was better with the U. That was the one important fact you missed.

NICK: It’s very important. It will come up a lot.

LAURA: There’s an orange loth-rat on the ship.

CAMERON: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I was trying to think of good names to call it.

NICK: Scabbers.

LAURA: Creamsicle.

NICK: That’s pretty good. So, the packets for your team for the volleyball tournament are handed out around sunrise. Matches will start about an hour after that. Who goes to pick up the packet?

CAMERON: We send Tink.

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna.

HUDSON: I go!

NICK: Okay. Great. We’ll come back to that in just a second. Does anyone go to check out the landing board at the space port before your day gets started?

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna. (laughs)

CAMERON: I’ll say Karma does.

NICK: Okay. I think we get a shot of Karma standing as the sun rises at the space port. It’s a parking lot with ships scattered around, but it’s early morning. You’re probably there mid-week. It’s not completely full. There’s sand blowing across. It’s got that light ocean breeze. We get a really cool shot of the sun rising behind Karma as she looks at the board.

CAMERON: I’m drinking a tiki drink.

NICK: Drinking a tiki drink. Do you have big sunglasses on?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I’m wearing the ginormous hat and giant sunglasses from yesterday.

NICK: So you’re fully vacationing out here.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: You scan through the board and you do not see the Tallahassee Quagmire having arrived since you arrived.

CAMERON: I nod briskly and go and exchange my tiki drink for a new one at the bar that’s right next to the landing field. (laughs)

NICK: The night shift bartender is finishing up so they look pretty tired, but they bring you another one, and they say thank you for your business, and they smile at you. Cool. So… (rubs hands together) Tink, you head down to the lobby to register. You signed up, but the actual registration of the team and everything is handled day-of in case people leave or sleep in or are hungover. It helps them organize it. It’s early, and while you’re excited for the tournament that early morning jitter that you get makes your stomach kind of hurt and you can’t help but wonder why this sounded like a fun activity the night before. As you head down to the lobby it’s all marble floors and light coloring, and you see a Draedan – which is the swamp creature looking aliens that are native to this planet – manning a table in the lobby. It’s got the hotel thing where it looks nice but you can tell it’s not a very nice table cloth thrown over it, and they’re wearing the full hotel livery and sunglasses even though they’re inside. They greet you with a too-wide smile as you walk up. “Oh, are you confirming registration?”

HUDSON: “I sure am.”

NICK: “Great! If you could just put the names of your six team members down we’ll be able to get the brackets in time for the first match.”

HUDSON: “Uh… Six team members?”

NICK: “Well yeah, it’s volleyball, it’s teams of six.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Okay!” (laughter) I grab the sheet and I go over to a table to sign up our six team members.

NICK: Great. Yeah, so you sit down at a bench next to a potted plant – it’s one of those really big ferns that you see in hotels all the time – and there’s the six slots for the team members’ names and the team name, which I guess you’ll get to put down, and your room number, which is going to be pretty easy. As you’re sitting there filling it out you put your own name down, or whatever alias you have. Do you just put Tink or do you put a fake name?

HUDSON: I put…

CAMERON: When we checked into the hotel you did check in under Tink.

HUDSON: Oh. I put down Tink.

NICK: Okay. You put down the various names of you and Xianna and Karma. Is HK playing volleyball with you all?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: You see that there’s two slots. Below the names to sign up it does say ‘must have complete team to enter.’ As you’re looking at that and scratching your head you look up and you see that you’re actually right next to the hotel restaurant that’s currently serving breakfast. You see that a lot of beings are there and they’re dressed for an active day. You can see a couple of other people running around, holding registration sheets, walking through breakfast, and it looks like they’re trying to recruit people to join their teams. If you want to pick up two more team members, probably that breakfast room is going to be your best bet.

HUDSON: Okay. I go to the breakfast room and I go around schmoozing trying to figure out who the team members should be.

NICK: Cool. You have a couple of options as far as team members. I’m gonna give you three, and then if you think up another type of archetype that you would like here you can throw one in. There’s a Kaminoan eating alone. They’re wearing a tanktop and board shorts. The Kaminoans are the really long necked aliens that made the clones on that rainy storm planet. They have like a bobble head. It’s a female Kaminoan, and she has a streak of zinc across her nose. She looks very beach prepared. She’s extremely tall. You also see a very brawny Human with blonde hair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and black shorts, and he has a blonde pompadour combed back and is extremely tan. He looks like he may work for the hotel but it’s his day off. Then, you also see a Herglic which are the big whale people. This one has an orca pattern so it’s black and white spotted. It looks like a street shark from that old cartoon. The Herglic is eating just a ginormous plate of synthetic eggs. That’s the three people that stand out first. Do you see anyone else that draws your attention?

HUDSON: Yes. I see Web-Web.

NICK: Oh god… (laughter) That’s a curveball.

HUDSON: You could allow it or disallow it. It’s up to you.

NICK: I’ll have Web-Web show up. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know why Web-Web’s there… We’ll figure it out.

CAMERON: Web-Web needed a break. Web-Web had a rough time.

NICK: It’s gonna take you a light side point for Web-Web to be there, though.

HUDSON: Let’s do it! (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re looking around, and towards the back you see Web-Web who is a blue Gungan with red eyes. Web-Web is wearing vacation gear. They seem very stiff, and you can see peeking out from under their… we’ll say they’re wearing a tankini, you can see heavy bandages across their torso and one that runs up their neck, because you’ll remember they got the shit shot out of them like three days ago. Oh no, wait, it’s been longer than that. It’s been at least a week, right?

LAURA: I mean, usually if you get the shit shot out of you that’s like septic, you know, it gets infected and—

NICK: Boo~!

LAURA: Oaahhh.

(laughter)

NICK: Why did you make whale noises?!

LAURA: I don’t know! I’m so tired. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, so Web-Web is there. I think it’s been…

CAMERON: After we rescued Tink we sold our stuff…

NICK: You spent a day on the planet.

CAMERON: …a day on the planet selling our stuff and wrapping things up, then Xianna getting laid, and then a day travel, and then hung out with Val…

NICK: The whole Val thing took two or three days.

CAMERON: So it’s maybe been like five days.

NICK: We’ll say five days. You probably saw Web-Web about five days ago, and they got shot up pretty bad. They look pretty stiff, but they’re sitting there, they’re eating a nice breakfast with beans and sausage – it’s an English breakfast, why not – and you are able to approach Web-Web with little difficulty.

HUDSON: “Hey, Noob-Noob!”

NICK: “Um… It’s Web-Web, actually.”

HUDSON: “Oh, sorry.”

NICK: “Why… What are you doing here?”

HUDSON: “Oh. I’m on vacation.”

NICK: “Right, kind of like you were on ‘vacation’ on Engebo 5?”

HUDSON: “Nooo, that wasn’t vacation, that was work. Vacation isn’t work.”

NICK: “Well, I’m also on vacation right now, seeing as I’m still recovering from some pretty traumatic injuries. Do you know how much of you will get burned if you climb out of a Mon Cal cruiser through its reactor core? A lot.”

HUDSON: “You didn’t let me answer, but I’ll take your word for it.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “it’s a lot? Alright.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “Well, I have quite the opportunity for you.”

NICK: “Oh boy.”

HUDSON: “I have a beach volleyball team, and I have specially selected you, Wub-Web…”

NICK: “Close.”

HUDSON: “…to join my volleyball team.”

NICK: Roll me a Charm check?

HUDSON: Oh no…

(laughter)

NICK: How charming is Tink?

HUDSON: Two green.

NICK: hey, okay. This is gonna be a hard check, so that’s three purples, because Web-Web is not particularly predisposed to like you. You could flip a light side point if you wanted to upgrade one of those.

HUDSON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Web-Web rolls their eyes at you. Sorry, I’m still processing through all the implications of having this murderous assassin person on the vacation planet with you. Web-Web rolls their eyes and says, “You know, as fun as that sounds, they had to put a lot of my insides back inside after that last time we got together. I’m just really not feeling up to it. The good news is since you didn’t get any threats I’m not gonna start my own team and kick your ass, so that’s a benefit, but I’m gonna have to pass.” So, your options now are you can try and bribe them into joining or you can go try to find some other teammates.

HUDSON: I don’t need them on that badly. I’m gonna not bribe. “Well, good travels to you. Enjoy your vacation… um, (labored) Web-Web.”

NICK: “Hey… That’s pretty good. I don’t know how much head trauma you sustained, but since you seem to mostly do your work with your Intelligence I hope that smarts of yours comes back.”

HUDSON: “Uh, you know, maybe it never left. We’ll see.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Tell you what, even if that whole situation did go kinda topsy-turvy there at the end, I’ll come cheer your team on. What’s your team name?”

HUDSON: “Our team name is XD_SpikeIt_XD, you know, to make it that next level of hardcore.”

NICK: “You pronounced an exclamation mark. Is there an exclamation mark in there?”

HUDSON: “No. When you put the XD’s around it you gotta put a little bit of emphasis.”

NICK: “Oh, okay. Great. Well, that’s an original name to be sure. I’ll definitely come out if you make it past the first round. I’m gonna finish my breakfast and probably drink some mimosas, but I’ll swing by.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “Thank you so much, Web-Web.”

NICK: “Oh, you’re welcome.” You look around and you see that most of the people at breakfast who would probably be interested in this activity have been snapped up and are standing in groups around. You do see some very set piece bland Humans that you could invite, but that’s kind of your options right now.

HUDSON: So none of the people you listed earlier are available??

NICK: No. They’re all on other teams.

HUDSON: (laughs) Great.

NICK: Some of them are putting captain stars on their tanktops and Hawaiian shirts, so their teams may have gotten stronger having recruited them.

HUDSON: “Who wants the chance to make a name for themselves on my volleyball team?!”

NICK: A guy with clear blonde hair and kind of grayish skin, who kind of looks like a CG model that they didn’t add any details to, walks up and says, “Oh hey, uh, my massage isn’t until 3 PM and I don’t have anything going on. I can join your team.”

HUDSON: “Alright! What’s your skillset?”

NICK: “Um… I’m pretty average at things. I’m an accountant, but sometimes I run for exercise in my spare time.”

HUDSON: “Good enough!”

NICK: “Great. Do you wanna know my name?”

HUDSON: “No!”

NICK: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “You’re good. You’re gonna be… I gotta get two more teammates, so I need One and Two, so you’re gonna be Juan.”

NICK: ‘Uh, I’m Juan?”

HUDSON: ‘Yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s John, so you could just call me John.”

HUDSON: “I like Juan better.”

NICK: “That’s kind of messed up, dude.”

HUDSON: “Okay. You’re John. Sure.”

NICK: “Okay thanks. It’s cool that you’re calling me by my own name.” You’re having that conversation, and you look around, and the breakfast room has completely emptied out. They’re all gone. Breakfast has closed. It’s just you two standing there, and you realize you’re a person down. You don’t have enough people for the team.

HUDSON: Is there any race in Star Wars that’s invisible?

(laughter)

NICK: Tink asks out loud.

LAURA: Sometimes the Night Sisters, but only sometimes, they have to like do a ritual thing.

NICK: As you’re panicking and you’re looking around you feel a limp slap on the small of your back. You turn around and you don’t see anyone, and you look down and see a very peculiar species. It’s kind of fish looking, and… I’m gonna try my best to describe this. It’s kind of fish looking. It’s got a rounded head. It’s probably only about 1 meter tall. It’s extremely short. It has a water collar around its gills with a translator built in. you can see that. It’s wearing a fanny pack. It’s a pale scaled kind of color and has a red tummy, and it has a mouth that opens and closes like Beaker when it talks, but you can’t hear that part because it’s not underwater, so all the words come out of the translator. Oh, and it has flippers instead of arms, and… it’s wearing Crocs. (laughs) “I’ve always wanted to play volleyball.”

HUDSON: “I like your translator. Is that a TX1000?”

NICK: “It’s actually the 1020. You have to get the waterproof feature because of the gills.”

HUDSON: “Oh, that makes sense. Say no more, you’re on the team.”

NICK: “Great. Um… That went better than I—“

HUDSON: “I said say no more!”

NICK: “Okay. That’s fine… Uh, cool.”

HUDSON: “Your name is Talouse.”

NICK: “No, my name’s Nugget actually. That’s fine. I’m excited to play volleyball.” It goes to shake your hand and ends up poking you in the knee with its flipper. They seem very uncoordinated. They look like this.

HUDSON: Oh geez.

LAURA: But less shark, more piranha.

NICK: Less shark, more piranha.

CAMERON: (chuckles nervously)

LAURA: Oh, Nugget…

NICK: They turn to go to the lobby and you see that they have a stepladder about the size of them strapped to their back. You appear to have created your team. So, you write Nugget down on the sheet and you’re good to turn it in. Yeah, so you  have the blandest person that could possibly exist and a… small fish person.

LAURA: Captain Placeholder.

NICK: “How’d you know my last name was Placeholder?”

HUDSON: “Oh, THE John Placeholder?” Nope, I’m not going into that.

NICK: “Actually, my last name is dotSample.” Heh.

HUDSON: Oh, I need to turn in my sheet, don’t I?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: So, I walk over and I proudly hand the sheet over, but then I grab it real quick. “I’m having second thoughts about the name. Just a second.” I bring it over and I cross out SpikeIt and change it to Rawr.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: And then I turn it in.

NICK: “Oh! Thank you for entering. You’re actually the last team. We were about to cut off registration. Is this XD_Rawr_XD?” (pronouncing as if it’s all one word)

HUDSON: “You have to just say Rawr with an inflection. The XD’s are implied but silent.”

NICK: “Oh, so the team name is (silly) Rawr~!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yes!” (laughs)

NICK: I didn’t like doing that.

(laughter)

LAURA: It was great to hear.

CAMERON: Yeah. You have to do that forever now.

NICK: I know, but I’m not happy about it.

CAMERON: And you know what? We’re never leaving this planet. This volleyball tournament is gonna go on forever.

NICK: You’re gonna level up and then join the master bracket.

LAURA: This is where we live now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. So, you are registered. You’re actually the second team to go. They have a couple of volleyball courts in the beach right across the little boardwalk from the hotel, you can see it from the front door. How do you all meet up?

CAMERON: I probably run into Tink in the lobby right after he’s turned in the form, because I’m hiking back from the parking lot.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”

CAMERON: “Hi!”

HUDSON: “Wanna meet the rest of your teammates?”

CAMERON: “Sure? Is it more than just the four of us?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, there has to be a team of six.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Great.”

NICK: “Hi. I’m John Placeholder. Nice to meet you.”

HUDSON: No, you were something else.

LAURA: No, Placeholder works. It’s a noun-verb, place and a holder.

NICK: Yeah, noun-holder.

CAMERON: Yup, John Placeholder. Okay~

LAURA: That’s a Star Wars name!

NICK: “My name’s John Placeholder. I’m an accountant with Kuat Shipyards. Hi… Uh, this is my first vacation in several years and I’m excited to make new friends.”

CAMERON: “Nice to meet you, John!”

HUDSON: “A little longwinded. Let’s go to Nugget.”

NICK: “Uh, hi, I’m Nugget. Sometimes I’m too talkative, kinda like John here, heheh, but you’ll tell me I’m sure if that’s the case. I’m very excited to play basket—err, volleyball, err, sports. I am exactly 1 meter tall. That’s a fun fact about me. I’m assuming we’re doing ice breakers. My pronouns are fish and fosh in case you need to do that, but my name’s Nugget, it’s pretty easy to refer to, and uh… I’m talking a lot. Anyway. This hairy guy said I can be on your team, and I’m excited to be here, kinda like John but more like, woo!”

CAMERON: “Well, we’re very excited to have you, Nugget, and I very much appreciate you providing your pronouns.”

NICK: “Oh, I’m just, uh, he/him. I’m… I don’t know, how bland can I go? I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: That’s a good fun fact.”

NICK: “That’s my fun fact, icebreaker.”

LAURA: (giggles)

(laughter)

NICK: That’s what it took to break Laura.

LAURA: I just love the idea of somebody being like, ‘Hi, my name’s John… I like triscuits.’

(laughter)

NICK: I’m gonna use that at the next corporate meeting.

LAURA: As if people don’t like triscuits.

CAMERON: My fun fact, one thing that no one knows about me is that I like triscuits.

NICK: I think at this point we get Xianna stumbling into the lobby with HK kind of supporting her a little bit.

LAURA: Oh, definitely too-big sunglasses and two cups of coffee as well. Yes. Seems about right.

NICK: HK drags Xianna over to the group. We get Xianna trying to bring the coffee cup to her lips but HK has her by the elbow so she’s being led towards the coffee cup trying to drink the sustaining bean water.

LAURA: Yeah, and she’s so tired she doesn’t realize that she has another cup in the other hand and just keeps trying to get that particular cup of caf.

NICK: “Greeting: Good morning. I have brought Xianna to the scheduled teambuilding activity.”

LAURA: (groggy) “What are we doing?”

CAMERON: “We’re playing volleyball~”

LAURA: “Shit. Why?” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yay~ HK, thank you.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, this is John. He likes triscuits.”

NICK: “Hi, I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: “And this is Nugget. Fish is exactly 1 meter tall.”

NICK: “Hi, I’m Nugget, and I’m really excited to play volleyball with you, and I really like your lekku tattoos. I was thinking about getting a tattoo on this vacation because I thought that it would be a really cool way to commemorate making new friends, but then I wasn’t going to because I was worried I wasn’t going to make new friends, but now I’m going to make new friends because we’re gonna win this volleyball tournament (suddenly aggressive) even if it kills us, (return to pleasant) and it’s gonna be so great, and I’m just really excited to meet you all… and another fun fact is I have this stepladder because sometimes I need to reach things that are tall, and the way my legs are shaped – which are kind of like chicken legs – I can’t jump really well, so this stepstool helps me overcome that inconvenience.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

LAURA: Xianna’s just kind of nodding along with that. “Oh thank you. I have other tattoos as well.” She turns around to the side, and still trying to hold the cup, pulls a little bit of the weird, strappy swimsuit down and there’s a tattoo in cursive Aurebesh that says Jacqueline, and then there’s a little line through it and underneath it says The Afternoon Delight. (laughter) Somebody, somewhere out there will get that reference.

NICK: I don’t get that reference.

LAURA: It’s not The Deep Search. It’s the Afternoon Delight. It’s a Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou joke. Heh.

CAMERON: (staggered exhale)

NICK: I haven’t seen that movie in so long.

LAURA: The little submarine is called The Jacqueline but with a line through it, and then The Deep Search underneath it, because the Jacqueline was his ex-wife.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: I also think it’s funny that somehow, within a week, she’s went and got a tattoo and no one noticed. (laughs)

CAMERON: She already has a tattoo. (laughs)

NICK: Oh yeah. Well, it’s been a solid month at this point.

LAURA: Yeah, but a solid month of doing things constantly.

CAMERON: And being on a ship.

LAURA: And being on a ship! Where did she get this tattoo? She probably, while pulling the strap of the swimsuit down, definitely spills coffee on the floor and just doesn’t do anything.

NICK: “Hey, it looks like you spilled some coffee. That actually reminds me of a funny story. There was this time where I got coffee for some of my friends and I brought them all back, and it was pretty expensive because we were kind of at a place like this, and then they were all gone, and it turns out they had left, but then I dropped the coffee because I was sad and I don’t have fingers and it spilled everywhere, and that’s kind of like this except you’re not gonna leave me because we have to win at volleyball.”

CAMERON: “Very true, Nugget.”

LAURA: “True, very true.”

HUDSON: (bothered) “You talk a lot.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Do you do impact? I talk a lot when I get on impact as well, which if we’re going to play volleyball, uh… I did bring my bag with me, right?!”

CAMERON: HK has it slung over his shoulder.

NICK: HK definitely has the extra-large beach bag.

LAURA: “Oh, thank you, Hank. I think I might die without that.”

NICK: “Ha, impact, that’s funny. You know, my friends, the ones that abandoned me, I used to always tell them I’m impact on life… Heh-heh. This is just kind of how I am, actually. I’m really excited to be here and you all seem great.”

There’s a beat of pause, and John Placeholder speaks up. “You know, actually, the same thing happened to me once. I got sent to go get coffee and people left me on a planet with the bill.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that one I could see. You are very forgettable.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We need to get y’all to the place where you are the person sending someone to go get coffee. Y’all deserve to have coffee brought to you.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s a great idea. Hey big hairy fella, could you go get me some coffee?”

HUDSON: “No.”

CAMERON: “His name’s Tink.”

NICK: “Oh. Well, we didn’t finish the icebreaker, so… Tink, what’s one fun fact about you? Heheh.”

HUDSON: “I don’t like getting people coffee.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s real fun. That’s great.”

LAURA: “Tink, you have certainly gotten me coffee many times.”

NICK: “Great. Yeah, that’s not aggressive at all. I was just trying to follow the advice. What about the rest of you?”

LAURA: “Um, as you just saw, I have more than one tattoo, outside of the cultural lekku tattoos. I used to date someone named Jacqueline. I no longer date someone named Jacqueline. I am very tired.”

HUDSON: “Does that have anything to do with the tattoo on you?”

LAURA: “Which part? Me being tired?”

HUDSON: “No, the Jacqueline.”

LAURA: “Oh. I got the tattoo while dating her, actually after dating her. I thought it might get her to start dating me again. It didn’t, heh, so now it has a line through it and says The Afternoon Delight underneath it.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s really interesting, but I was just wondering, so like are you dating someone named Afternoon Delight now?”

LAURA: “No. That is just the name of the ship I am on. Also, it is a funny sex pun.”

NICK: “Oh, I get it.” Fish does not get it.

LAURA: “I’m not entirely sure if I am dating someone right now? Maybe? Who knows, I certainly don’t. Heh.”

CAMERON: “You’re at least seeing someone.”

LAURA: “I’m at least going on dates with someone.”

CAMERON: “Because you had drinks first, so it was a date.”

LAURA: “We did have drinks, and I knew her name, so a date.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah. That was the other requirement. I forgot about that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s really interesting. Thank you for sharing with the group. What did you say your name was? I think I missed it. And I need you all to introduce yourselves so I can refer to you by name and not have an awkward pause later.”

LAURA: “Oh, I am Xianna.”

NICK: “Very pleasant to meet you. I’ve turned into Kermit the Frog.”

(laughter)

HUDSON: ‘Why is there so many songs…’

NICK: ‘…about turbo lasers.’

LAURA: Xianna kinda stops, like ‘I just gave my real name… Oops.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) ‘Sheet!’

LAURA: “Forget I said that. My name is, uh, Seela. That is my name, Seela, yes.”

NICK: “Hey, it’s okay Xianna, you know what they say, what happens on Sesid stays on Sesid.”

LAURA: “I mean, they say that about a lot of planets and it’s really never true.”

NICK: “I guess it depends on the amount of evil Empire occupation. Oops, did I say that out loud? We should go play volley—Oh wait! You haven’t given me your fun fact. I like your big hat and your large sunglasses and I like the number of head tails that you have, because it’s more than two, and two is fine but I like more than two because I can only count to two on my flippers. Get it? Because I don’t have fingers? Ah-ha-ha.”

CAMERON: (giggles) Karma’s having flashbacks to when the twins were in the stage that they just kept a constant rambling, but it was two of them, so she’s very used to this.

NICK: Twins must be difficult.

CAMERON: Yup. “I’m Karma. I’m a mom…”

NICK: “That’s cool. Where are your kids?”

CAMERON: “Well, they’re grown up now, besides Tink.”

HUDSON: “I am not your child. Unless you want to start—“

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: “Yes you are. (forceful) Remember, Tink?”

CAMERON: (through gritted teeth) “You’re supposed to be nice to your moms.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah…”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I am also your mother.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Okay, mommy.”

LAURA: Ha!

NICK: “That got real weird.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I have had many people call me mommy.”

NICK: “Still weird.”

LAURA: “Don’t make it weird. You are making it weird.”

HUDSON: “You’re making it weird.”

NICK: “I’m an accountant.”

CAMERON: “You don’t have to call her mommy.”

LAURA: “Yeah. You don’t have to call me mommy. Also, don’t.”

NICK: “I don’t really know how to respond to that. The only reason I piped up is because I wanted to say as an accountant I’m legally required to tell you that falsifying hotel registrations is a Class 3 misdemeanor under Galactic Code 27164.123-ZetaBetaAlpha.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you are concerned that we possibly, maybe, kind of made a reference to hypothetically be not truthful for our hotel purchase, but you did not care about the illegal drugs?”

NICK: “I’m an accountant, so it’s very specific things…”

CAMERON: “I don’t see what being an accountant has to do with misdemeanors.”

NICK: “Because it messes with their financial documentation when they’re backtracking things. The Galactic Empire requires a certain amount of—“ He talks for probably a full minute.

LAURA: Xianna just stops him and puts her hand up. “Look. I have never once paid my taxes, so I have no idea what you are talking about.”

NICK: He looks like he’s about to throw up. “I think I should clarify that the reason I bring that up isn’t because I would say anything about it but that now that we’re teammates I care about your wellbeing financially, and that’s just a free tip that you probably shouldn’t do that. That’s all.”

CAMERON: “Speaking of teammates, I think it’s about time we headed to the court! Come on, everybody…!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay. Let’s go.”

NICK: “Admonishment: We are approximately nine and a half minutes late. At ten minutes we will forfeit.”

LAURA: (laughs) “Oh, okay, everyone go.”

HUDSON: “Run!”

CAMERON: “That is not the case, Hank. (laughs)”

NICK: “Wistful: I sure want to forfeit.”

LAURA: “Me too, Hank, me too.”

CAMERON: “But you’re so good at volleyball now, HK! Tink programmed you last night.”

NICK: I don’t think that happened.

CAMERON: I think it did. We mentioned it at least.

NICK: We get everybody running through the front doors. You can see that there are three volleyball courts taped out in the sand. They have the stakes with the ribbons that mark the out of bounds and everything and the nets have been raised. There is one group impatiently tapping their foot, and there’s a referee with a stopwatch, and as you run out onto the—I don’t want to say court…

HUDSON: It’s a volleyball court.

NICK: Sand?

CAMERON: The sand!

NICK: I guess it is, but… eh. The referee who is a Draedan wearing a black and white striped shirt and extremely short shorts blows a comically oversized whistle. “To everybody, if you could take your positions we’ll go ahead and get started. We don’t want everybody to wait on the next match.” I spent way too long creating volleyball rules for Edge of the Empire, which I will now explain.

Basically, everybody picks a position on the team, like a function that they will perform. Each function works off of different stats. Everybody will roll for theirs. The three NPCs you will assign positions, they will modify other people’s rolls based on where you put them.

HUDSON: There’s three NPCs? Oh, okay, I see.

CAMERON: HK, John, and Nugget.

NICK: You’ve got HK, you’ve got Nugget, and you’ve got John Placeholder. So, the positions that you can be: There are two hitters, and they’ll roll Athletics, they’re like the ones that spike the ball. There are two setters, they roll Coordination, they’re the ones who have to move around and be defensive. There is a defensive specialist that rolls Leadership and based on that can boost other people’s rolls, and then there is a blocker that would roll Resilience. As a group, you need to decide what position everyone’s going to play for the first game.

HUDSON: Which one is the Coordination one?

NICK: Coordination is the setters.

HUDSON: I’d like to be a setter, because I have like 4 or 5 in Coordination.

NICK: Really?!

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Why?!

HUDSON: For times like this, Nick.

NICK: (laughs) ‘I was preparing for volleyball!’

LAURA: What were the first ones?

NICK: Hitters roll Athletics, setters roll Coordination, defensive specialist rolls Leadership, and blocker rolls Resilience. The total successes that everyone will get in their positions will add up to a total that you need to beat the other team.

LAURA: I do have one level of Stalker and my Agility is high enough, and Xianna will almost certainly get a little help in a second, so that will be bumped up even more.

CAMERON: Do you want to do the other Coordination, because then you get your blue die?

LAURA: Yes, so I’ll do that.

NICK: Then, if you win the first match you’ll be able to reassign people to be more successful in the future. One challenge of this is you don’t know the stats of the other people, so based on how they’ve acted you have to assign them to things.

CAMERON: Do we know HK’s Brawn? I got a full rundown of his specs previously.

NICK: Yeah, he’s a 2. He’s now particularly brawny. You get the impression of HK that he is super agile as far as restrained motion and movement but not graceful, because I got a little power gamey when I made him and I didn’t put stuff in stats I thought were not important at the time.

HUDSON: I’m designated trash talker.

CAMERON: Noted.

LAURA: I have Jump Up…?

CAMERON: … Okay.

NICK: It’s almost like this team was not spec’d to be good at volleyball.

LAURA: Xianna just didn’t grow up with organized sports. Sorry. It’s almost like her planet is sort of a disaster right now, and for a long time.

CAMERON: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that HK’s not gonna be the best at Leadership. Does everybody else support that?

HUDSON: Yeah.

LAURA: Correct.

NICK: He’s not as bad as you would think. He’s not good.

CAMERON: Yeah, but his Presence isn’t great. I don’t think he’s skilled in it.

NICK: He has a 2 in Presence.

CAMERON: That’s not bad actually.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: I’m gonna nominate Nugget for the Leadership one. Nugget seems inspiring.

NICK: Nugget is the defensive specialist. Tink is a setter.

CAMERON: Xianna’s the other setter.

NICK: You need two hitters and a blocker. The two hitters are doing Athletics. The blocker would be doing Resilience.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna be the best at both of those. She has a 3 in Brawn, which is more than HK and it’s gonna be more than John. John introduced himself as an average Human which means he has a 2 Brawn.

NICK: Metagaming alert! Wee-woo, wee-woo.

(laughter)

CAMERON: I paid attention in stats. So, I would say we put HK in Resilience and then do Karma and John in the Athletics ones, because Karma has 2 ranks in Athletics, so then at least one person there has the chance to be good. Does everybody support that plan?

NICK: Does everybody agree with this statistic plan?

HUDSON: Yes I do.

LAURA: Yes.

NICK: I think with the way that conversation went out we get a brief moment, while the ref is talking to the other team about the rules, of Karma looking at everyone and Tink and Xianna going ‘we’ll do the setting’ and then Karma going ‘hmm…’ just looking at the teammates she has left. (labored thinking noise) ‘Okay, me and John will be up front.’

CAMERON: Doing it in a very supportive mom way, though. Kind of like how I said, “I think Nugget would be very good at being a defensive person and inspiring the team.”

NICK: “You know, that’s so funny. I actually take feedback pretty well so you don’t have to worry. Just a little joke. I’ll support the team the best I can.”

CAMERON: “That just seems like a perfect role for you. John, why don’t you be a hitter with me, and then HK can be a blocker because you’re a sturdy dude.”

LAURA: ‘He is made of metal.”

NICK: “Realization: We ran out of slots, didn’t we?”

CAMERON: “What do you mean?”

LAURA: “Huh?”

NICK: “I was the last choice.”

CAMERON: “No. I just happened to say yours last, but I had great plans for you. I know you can do this, HK.”

NICK: He just kind of shuffles over up front and middle like he’s going to try to block.

CAMERON: “HK, I need you to strike fear into the heart of our enemies.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Without shooting them. No violence, please.”

NICK: The shoulders slump a little bit.

CAMERON: “I’m sorry buddy. I will try to find you someone to violence.”

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna need rolls from everybody. Karma, you do just a straight Athletics check. John neither adds nor subtracts from positions that he assists in, but you do have a black die. I’ll explain that in a minute. Setters, Tink and Xianna, you can just roll straight Coordination. Xianna, did you do drugs?

LAURA: Not yet! I haven’t weaved it in narratively.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: But I will. I’ve already marked it on my sheet.

NICK: If you’re going to then you can roll with your increased stat.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It will be average. HK will be rolling Resilience. Basically, everybody roll your stats at average difficulty with a black die.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: What just happened?

NICK: (laughs) Karma, how did you do?

CAMERON: Karma got a success and a triumph.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna got two failures, but four advantages.

NICK: Interesting.

HUDSON: I have an advantage.

NICK: Oh gosh.

CAMERON: You said HK would just be straight Brawn?

NICK: His would be Resilience, so it’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Oh, he’s skilled in Resilience?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Ooh~

CAMERON: Hey!

NICK: And he doesn’t have the black die, because he does not care.

CAMERON: Oh… Okay. (laughs) No, that’s just a straight wash.

HUDSON: Not a good first hit.

CAMERON: Do I need to roll for Nugget?

NICK: Yeah, we’ll give Nugget a roll.

CAMERON: Fish is in a slot of their own?

NICK: Nugget is three greens.

HUDSON: This is Round 1 of volleyball, right, or is this the whole game?

NICK: This is Round 1.

CAMERON: Fish has the black die?

NICK: No, fish does not have the black die.

CAMERON: Fish does not have a black die…

HUDSON: If we win the tournament, how many teams do we have to go through?

LAURA: There’s another school! With more teams! And we just keep going!

CAMERON: But we get new uniforms.

LAURA: Yeah, and they’re skimpier each time!

CAMERON: Nugget got a success and a threat.

NICK: So, here’s the thing. The way this is gonna work is you needed a certain amount of successes as a group to win, right? You have zero successes.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Nuh-uh. I had one.

NICK: You had one, Nugget had one, Xianna had two failures.

LAURA: Yep.

CAMERON: Xianna… (laughs)

NICK: But you have five advantages.

CAMERON: And a triumph.

HUDSON: So we actually do win.

LAURA: The other team forfeits.

NICK: So what we’ll say is…

CAMERON: The other team all falls and breaks their arm.

HUDSON: They get explosive diarrhea on the court.

LAURA: We’re a wildcard.

NICK: (smiling) Let me do this. So, because it’s the first round it’s not a pretty game. We have a montage of shots where they go up to spike it and HK is clearly doing ballistics calculations and moving to the spot he needs to be as you hit the ball over, and he jumps, and every time the ball hits him in the face.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: His arms are up but they’re kind of spindly, and just (clang) and he falls down, and gets up, and at some point you hear him start to say, “Expletive: …” and then grumbling really quietly to himself. He blocks a lot of them. Karma is able to get some pretty good spikes in including one that hits somebody in the face and bruises their eye pretty good. Tink isn’t able to help a ton, but he doesn’t make any errors. Xianna runs into Tink several times.

LAURA: Xianna has no idea how to play, and I bet even at one point she just straight up walks off the court to go take impact and then comes back, and she’s confused why that gave them a penalty or something.

CAMERON: It didn’t occur to us that Xianna wouldn’t know the rules, and she never asked.

LAURA: Xianna at one point goes “I don’t know the rules. Does anyone else know the rules?” (laughs)

NICK: Xianna at one point caught the ball and tried to throw it back and the ref called it dead, and Xianna’s like ‘what?!’

LAURA: “What?! I don’t understand the rules and no one told me!” (whiney)

CAMERON: “It was a fly ball.” (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t know what that means!”

CAMERON: ‘They’re out, right? That’s a field goal?’

LAURA: “Do we kick it?”

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You end up losing in the final set of this volleyball tournament. It’s not really close. You win a couple of sets just due to them not being particularly good at this, but as the game is done you all have to meet at the net and shake hands with the other team. The referee says, “Great, and on to the next round. Only four more to go until the championship!”

The people on the other side look like a family of Humans with older kids, and they all look at each other, and one of the players goes, “Uh, well… Actually, we’re gonna have to drop out, because we have a snorkeling expedition that leaves in like an hour, so we’re done. Thanks for playing, guys~”

They walk off and the referee looks kind of confused, and says “Okay… Well, it looks like Rawr~ has won due to forfeit.”

CAMERON: “Woo!”

HUDSON: “We rocked it! Yeah!”

CAMERON: Karma gives double high-fives to everybody.

HUDSON: (joyous falsetto) “We did it! We did it~!”

NICK: Nugget unfolds their stepladder and climbs up, and you get the wet (squelch) noise of high-fiving them.

CAMERON: Great.

HUDSON: “Why didn’t you use that stepladder the whole game?”

CAMERON: “It kind of limits fish’s movements.”

NICK: “Well, so, I was going to use the stepladder but then Xianna kept cheating in various ways and I thought that the referee wouldn’t really appreciate it, like—“

LAURA: “Wait, was I cheating?! I honestly do not know. Someone should explain the rules to me.”

NICK: “I don’t know if impact counts as a performance enhancing drug per se, but it’s probably at least frowned upon by the conference.”

LAURA: “I mean, probably, it is illegal.”

NICK: “That reminds me of this one time where I had my stepstool and I tried to go get a book off the top shelf but the shelf was too tall, so then I tried to climb the shelf, but my flippers were too slippery because it was on my home planet, and so it was really humid, and when I tried to climb up my flippers slipped off and I fell and I landed on my stepstool and I broke it. This is actually my third stepstool.”

CAMERON: “Aww. That’s terrible.”

LAURA: “How high up were you?”

NICK: “Like, 1.5 meters.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Not as high as Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh…”

NICK: “That’s a good joke, Tink.”

LAURA: ‘I have climbed much higher bookcases.”

NICK: “I feel like we’re gonna be really good friends due to our mutual love of climbing things, and also it’s cool that you’re such a free spirit, and I think that you’re great.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you.”

NICK: “Great, so—“

HUDSON: “That’s enough from you.”

LAURA: ‘No!”

CAMERON: “No! That’s so rude!”

NICK: “That’s extremely dismissive, Tink.”

LAURA: “Fosh can keep talking if fosh wants to. You are very cute.”

NICK: “Thanks. That’s really good. Um, also Tink, you can talk mean to me if you like, that’s okay.” And we’re gonna get a quick swipe there before I have to elaborate on that.

(laughter)

LAURA: Xianna’s nodding and smiling in the background.

NICK: You all sit on some bleachers waiting for the next round to end and the team comes up again. Everybody, I need you to describe one player on the second round team. This is a team that has won a game already.

LAURA: Oh. What’s the snake person one? It’s one of Leia’s friends in Leia, Princess of Alderaan, like a snake species that don’t have hands. I want one of them to be that. I forgot what her friend’s name was.

NICK: A Sluissi?

LAURA: Sounds right.

NICK: They have arms.

LAURA: Oh. Well, maybe it has arms. I just remember that it was a snake and it definitely doesn’t have legs, because it slithers around.

NICK: Bristol snake?

LAURA: That doesn’t sound right, but…

NICK: There’s just pictures of snakes. We’ll go with Sluissi. They’re just the snake people from D&D.

HUDSON: So, across the court as the team comes out, I see some of the people and one definitely catches my eye. He’s about as tall as I am, it’s a Gigoran who has white fur, about the same height as me. I find out from the roster sheet their name is Tonk. (laughter) Looks really similar to me, like super similar, like facial structure, they even have the same translator box.

NICK: Huh… Interesting.

HUDSON: (laughing) I like throwing you off.

NICK: (smiling) You did hit me with like three curveballs. I like it. They have a Gigoran. You also see as they walk out onto the volleyball court the Gigoran, Tonk, quickly tucks an outlaw data breaker into their fanny pack.

HUDSON: Under my breath I go, “He’s a slicer.”

CAMERON: Walking next to Tonk the Gigoran  is a Nautolan woman…

(laughter)

HUDSON: No~! Yes, okay, this is great actually.

CAMERON: …but she’s wearing a PURPLE headband.

NICK: What’s her name?

CAMERON: It’s Korma.

NICK: So, then obviously there’s a yellow Twi’lek named Xionna, and Xianna you see as she steps out next to you she does a quick bump of what looks like glitterstim and smiles real bright at you. “Oh, hi, I don’t know the rules!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I do  not know the rules either. I took impact instead of glitterstim though. I have glitterstim. I don’t know why I said that, but…”

NICK: “I have some impact I’m not using. Maybe we can work out a trade later.”

LAURA: “Oh, that would actually be nice, because I do not use the glitterstim at all.”

NICK: “Well, the joke’s on you, because glitterstim gives you psychic powers. I don’t know why moving faster is gonna be better when I can move the ball (whispers) with my mind.”

LAURA: “I actually don’t think that is true. I think that is just like a rumor.”

CAMERON: Then walking up behind her silently is an assassin droid.

NICK: It’s the IG-88 model.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Then there’s a very bland looking Human woman named Joan.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: (laughs) And a small fish person named, uh… Strips.

NICK: A very small fish person named Strips… or Sticks?

HUDSON: Drips.

CAMERON: I was trying to use chicken nuggets and chicken strips.

NICK: Well, fish nuggets and fish sticks.

CAMERON: Okay, that is very true, so then sticks, yup, but it’s spelled with an X.

NICK: Stix, yeah, and they have a small repulser pad that they keep on their back. You line up to shake hands. Tonk the Gigoran says, “Oh hey, Gigoran. Did you get called a Wookie a lot since you’ve gotten here? That keeps happening to me.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That happens to me all the time.”

NICK: “Hey, we should exchange like Facebook profiles and like hang out online.”

HUDSON: “I’m not on Facebook. I’m on HackMD.”

NICK: “Oh, that’s funny, you probably tell people who don’t slice to go to HackMD because it’s a mark. That’s cool. I’ll send you my deep web ID. We’ll talk.”

HUDSON: “Yeah! Now you’re talking!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Then Nugget walks over to Stix who is more shark looking.

(Nugget, simultaneous with next speech) “Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen anyone from my planet in a long time. That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that repulser lift? I use this stepstool because a repulser lift, I use to have a repulser lift, but the repulser lift…”

(Stix, simultaneous with previous speech) “Oh hey, it’s another one of my species. That’s so cool. You know, I talk too much, but it’s cool to see someone else, and… you know, it’s okay to talk back, we should really have a two-way conversation, you know? Just because we’re on another team—“

And we’re gonna skip away from that conversation, because I can’t handle it. I’m the one doing it. That’s your opponent for the next round. End of episode~

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: (hums)

NICK: What have we done?

OTHERS: (singing) For the longest time!

NICK: (late) For the longest time!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 33 The Crew’s Last Resort

PDF download: Episode 33 The Crew’s Last Resort

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 33:
The Crew’s Last Resort

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, I want to thank MagicalGirlKyra for her very kind review. Thank you for telling people such nice things about our show and thank you for your constant support. Also, we have a new patron to thank! Zouron, thank you for becoming a patron. We are super pumped to have you join the squad. May the solar winds ever fill your sails.

One announcement this week: If you’re going to GenCon this year, Tabletop Squadron will be doing a panel! It will be Friday at 1 PM. Grab your tickets and come say hi as we talk about running a game and telling stories in pre-established canon. Also, even if you’re not doing GenCon specifically, we’re going to do some sort of hangout that weekend, so if you’re in the area we’ll hope that you’ll come see us and say hi. More information on that will be forthcoming as we get closer to the event.

Music this week is Bassa Island Game Loop, By Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin Macleod, of Incompetech.com Licensed under creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 33 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m Nick, your host… and… game master. Gonna take it a little slower… No we’re not. We’re gonna take the exact same normal speed that we do for these introductions. So everybody, we’ll go around the table, say who you are and what character you are playing today. First up we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi everyone. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a slicer who’s a Gigoran named Tink. Switch it up a little.

NICK: Oh man. That’s gonna wreck my mess.

HUDSON: (laughs) What?

NICK: I don’t know. (laughs) Up next, we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: See, she kept to the format, and now I am comfortable.

LAURA: See! I know the rules!

HUDSON: I… I didn’t know there was this unspoken rule.

NICK: (smiling) Well, it’s not like we haven’t done it for 33 episodes or anything.

HUDSON: One time I said I was a car.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (laughing) That’s fair. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron. I am playing a bounty hunter named Karma Nailo who happens to be a Nautolan.

NICK: Mmm. Off to a bad start. (smiling) Okay! Before we get started with any recaps or anything, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side!

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Ha-ha… I probably—I wouldn’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. So, last time you all managed to meet with Sentinel. He said he would contact Valorissia and negotiate whatever was left to get her to join Beta Squad. He gave you a little bit of a preview into what your next big mission was, but first you had to head to the planet of Sesid to meet up with a crew that will help smuggle you to where you need to go. It just so happens to be some sort of resort planet, so you’ll maybe have some fun beach times while you wait for your ride. Oh, and there’s a loth-rat on the ship that has escaped into the walls. We also discovered that.

CAMERON: (laughs) But it’s not causing any damage.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: That we know of.

CAMERON: It’s friendly. We have a feeling… that it’s non-threatening.

HUDSON: (singing) …that tonight’s gonna be a good night~

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Yup. That’s it. Great. We’ll go ahead and jump right into it. The first thing we get is the Afternoon Delight taking a lazy arch down toward the planet of Sesid. It is a bright blue ball floating in the black curtain of space. It’s polka dotted with green and black like some being spattered it with a giant paintbrush. As you come in lower to the planet you see that these dots are various volcanic archipelagos and islands. An automated system welcomes you to the planet and gives you landing coordinates for Thrinaka, the main port town. As you come in to land you see a large column of smoke out in the ocean coming from a good sized volcano. As you land we get a sweeping shot of the space port and the port city beyond. All the buildings are made out of that thick California villa style stucco, and they have thatch rooves but they don’t really look like they’re structurally necessary. The space port is basically an open parking lot with a small shack that looks like a toll booth in the middle. There’s a board like an airport has with listings of ship names in parking spots hanging from the shack: from single seater fighters to space buses a little larger than the Afternoon Delight. The space port opens straight up onto a beach with gorgeous turquoise water lapping against white sand. Small trails of sand are scattered over the landing area as well. What do you do?

CAMERON: Land the ship.

NICK: Great. (landing noises) Ship’s landed.

HUDSON: I put on my swimsuit!

NICK: (laughs) Oh gosh. Okay, so you get dressed for your beach adventure, I guess?

CAMERON: Yup!

NICK: Alright. Everybody tell me what their beach adventure outfit is.

LAURA: Xianna already put together the bags, and she put the bags out in front of everyone’s rooms for them to find.

NICK: Oh gosh. So, I guess we’ll start with Xianna since you picked bathing suits.

LAURA: Xianna has one of those strappy, black one-piece swimsuits that has no business being a one-piece because it’s so many pieces and so many straps that it doesn’t make any logistical sense, and you’re not really sure how some of the straps are connecting but they are, and you’re not sure how any of them are staying in place but they are.

NICK: Nice. Yeah, that tracks.

LAURA: And she has a gigantic, floppy beach hat probably made of straw or woven material, and flip-flops.

NICK: Great. I think we get a shot of Tink opening up his bag to see what the bathing suit presented to him is. He is not required to put it on, but what did you give Tink?

LAURA: Ooh. I think I gave Tink one of those very old-timey swimsuits that’s just a straight up shirt and shorts and it’s got the little sailor bow.

CAMERON: And it has a matching hat.

LAURA: It’s the only one I found in your size.

HUDSON: I’ll take it!

NICK: Okay. Are you fine with that outfit for the duration of this, or for the first part anyway?

HUDSON: Yes, absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You have an old-timey sailor suit and matching hat. What did you give Karma in her bag?

LAURA: I found Karma a very sensible gold one-piece with a matching beach hat and oversized sunglasses, and a very large beach bag that has lots and lots of pockets in it.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: It is the mom bag. Everyone knows what I’m talking about.

CAMERON: (smiling) yes.

LAURA: There’s pockets on the outside. There’s sections on it specifically to put water bottles in. It’s giant.

NICK: Great. Cameron, does that outfit look work for you?

CAMERON: Yes, except I want it to be a tankini.

NICK: A tankini?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: What is that?

CAMERON: It’s like a two-piece, but instead of a bikini where it’s just covering your boobs it covers your stomach as well, so it’s essentially a one-piece but there’s very slight midriff in the middle and it’s two separate pieces. It just shouts ‘mom’ to me.

NICK: Okay, so it’s a gold tankini, and then giant mom bag.

CAMERON: Giant mom bag, matching hat, big old sunglasses, and she adds a crocheted swimsuit cover.

HUDSON: Are you wearing any kind of feet protection?

CAMERON: Uh… Crocs.

NICK: Ew! (seethes)

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m wearing none.

LAURA: Xianna tried to hide the Crocs…

CAMERON: Karma found them.

LAURA: …but she found them.

NICK: They were stuck in a sound damper somewhere in the wall.

CAMERON: They’re great water shoes.

NICK: (groans) Normally I don’t care. I don’t know why that one hit me so hard.

CAMERON: When you’re chasing after children, being able to strap your sandal on is very useful, and you don’t care if they get all gross and nasty and sandy.

NICK: That’s fair.

HUDSON: Outside of character, my grandma calls them thongs.

LAURA & CAMERON: Flip-flops?

NICK: I know people who call flip-flops thongs. Yeah. Egh… It can lead to some hilarious misunderstandings though. Is Tink wearing shoes?

HUDSON: No. He’s gonna do that thing where he doesn’t wear shoes then regrets it later when there’s concrete that’s really hot, and he has to go ‘ow-ow-ow’ and then run across.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Fair.

LAURA: Xianna didn’t find shoes that would fit you.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: He doesn’t normally wear shoes.

HUDSON: I don’t.

NICK: What is Xianna wearing on her feet?

LAURA: Flip-flops!

NICK: Does that work~?

LAURA: Yes. She still has the—

HUDSON: Oh-ho-ho…

LAURA: She lost the pinky inward not her big toe, so she still has some toes to put flip-flops in. (laughs)

CAMERON: So it’s fine!

NICK: I just need to check. We get this great shot of everybody walking down the halls and meeting by the exit ramp as it comes down and you all see each other.

HUDSON: “Let’s check into the hotel!”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “And then we get drinks.”

CAMERON: “Yes. Tink, remember you’re seven.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Yes. Oh, I meant… (pitched up) Uh-huh!”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Good job. This is gonna be great. I’m so excited. (seethes nervously)”

LAURA: (defeated) “It will probably not, but okay.”

HUDSON: “Mum. Mum. Mummy. Mum! Mum… Mum… Mum…”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “Tink…”

HUDSON: “… Can I have a popsicle?”

CAMERON: “You fucking ate all of them. (laughs) Sorry, you fricking ate all of them.”

LAURA: “No! You fucking ate all of them, Tink!” (laughter) “You ate like 2,000 popsicles! I do not understand how that even works.”

CAMERON: “Maybe when we get to the beach you can have a popsicle.”

HUDSON: “Mommy’s using curses~”

CAMERON: “… Yup.”

LAURA: (sighs)

NICK: Oh god. This bit is not gonna get old, at all.

(laughter)

LAURA: “Tink! Only do this around other people.”

HUDSON: “Okay mom.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

NICK: Okay. So, you head down the ramp—

CAMERON: What’s Hank wearing?

NICK: Hank is not wearing anything. (laughter) Hank is a droid.

HUDSON: Sunscreen?

CAMERON: We found him a floppy hat, and we put it on him!

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna found a small, sensible beach hat for Karma, but she found one in a color that goes well with Hank’s metal exterior.

NICK: Is it like the wide brim floppy hat or is it like the bucket hats that 80 year old men wear?

LAURA: She found the floppy hats, but just ones that only stick out a little bit from your head, not the gigantic ‘I’ve killed four husbands’ hats.

CAMERON: The ones that are still smaller than your shoulders.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. Fine. When you put that on him it’s like hanging something on a coatrack. There’s zero reaction.

CAMERON: But it has a tie, so we can tie it under his chin so it stays on, and it’s a big bow!

NICK: You tie it on. You want to throw some comically large sunglasses on him as well?

CAMERON: We try, but they don’t stay on well because his nose is just straight.

NICK: Yeah, he doesn’t have a nose. That’s true.

CAMERON: So, we try.

LAURA: Xianna is trying to get them, and then just puts them on herself. “Ugh. You should get ears installed, or just something so we can put sunglasses on you. It will be fun.”

NICK: “Answer: I do have antennae for hooking sunglasses upon. It is my lack of nose that is causing the issue.”

LAURA: “Oh, well I don’t know, sorry. Oops.”

HUDSON: “You mean you don’t nose?”

CAMERON: Ha-ha…

NICK: “Sarcasm: Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha… ha.” (laughing) And so you all exit the ship. The little shack that was in the middle of the parking lot slides open and a large aquatic humanoid walks over towards you. Can I get a Xenology check please?

CAMERON: Mmm…

HUDSON: I mean, you can, but…

LAURA: (goofily) You technically can. Is there a difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average. Really it should be harder than that, but I kind of want someone to get it right.

LAURA: One success, somehow.

NICK: Nice!

CAMERON: Two successes and two threats.

HUDSON: Can I try?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Wow! Okay. This person, you can tell that she is female, she is a Draedan, and some things you know about Draedans are they were—How many threats?

CAMERON: Two.

NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: They fall prone.

NICK: Heh. (half dramatic bass noise) No. She has green skin, red eyes, and needle-like sharp teeth. Think kind of like the monster from the Black Lagoon, but a slimmer modern reimagining, so kind of intimidating looking. Those of you with multiple successes, you would know that Draedans in general are fierce fighters and like to stick to large family groups. They’re usually known as really scary combat races, but this one is wearing a very much service industry style blue polo shirt that clashes with her skin and khaki capris. She walks over to you and says, “Well hello there, and welcome to Sesid! We’re so happy to have you with us today. We hope you enjoy your time on your island home away from home. The docking fee will be automatically charged to your accommodations. Please feel free to walk straight to the beach!” She gestures in all directions like a flight attendant, because you can see there’s literally beach all around you. She smiles at you, and you get a really good look at her very sharp, serrated, kind of shark teeth. “We hope you’ll enjoy our numerous tiki bars, our welcoming nightlife, and the peace of our pristine beaches, and relax in our guest lounges. Please reach out to your concierge with any questions.” She hands you a plastic communicator, or plasteel I guess, it’s like the things you get sometimes from various tour guides or things like that where it’s obviously disposable but sturdy enough that it will probably hold up. She just kind of smiles at you. It’s about 3 in the afternoon at this point.

CAMERON: “Thank you ever so much! Where would we check in?”

NICK: “We’ll have somebody take your bags to your rooms if you’d like. The main lobby is going to be about 200 yards that way.” She points down what looks like a boardwalk that was designed to look like it was locally made and kitschy, but the uneven boards—like every five boards the pattern repeats so it’s very clearly fabricated. “Just take our happy boardwalk to the lobby.”

HUDSON: “Happy boardwalk…”

CAMERON: “Heh, alright. Thank you!”

LAURA: “Can we get drinks while we are waiting? (groans)”

NICK: You look to the left and there is a tiki bar with another Draedan sitting there. Because you all are apparently intimately familiar with Draedans, this one is wearing the same service industry polo and khaki capris but is a male, he’s a little bigger, he’s got big old muscles, but he smiles at you. We’re gonna say that your threats, Karma, are that the smile—you know they’re smiling, but it just is innately unsettling to you. It looks very unwelcoming and scary. For Tink and Xianna who did not have threats, they’re smiling at you, they’re being welcoming and kind. He smiles at you and you see him pull out a shaker and start shaking something. One special rule for while you are on Sesid, I have this written in my notes here: literally every part of this planet has a tiki bar. If you want a tiki bar, just say there’s a tiki bar here and there will be a tiki bar.

(chuckling)

HUDSON: “Hey! Give me a Shirley Temple, hold the Temple.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I’m just kidding. Give me a Shirley Temple.”

NICK: “So you just want Sprite…?”

HUDSON: “No. I said I was joking. Give me Sprite with grenadine.”

NICK: “Okay…” He basically hands you a can and peels the top off, and they have pre-made Shirley Temples here. “There you go, large… person.”

HUDSON: “Hey. Respect my—I mean… I’m a kid.”

CAMERON: “You tell him, sweetie. You can stand up for yourself. That’s fine, Tink.”

HUDSON: “I-I can’t drinks yet.”

NICK: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Also, it’s very rude to point out his size.”

NICK: Did you bring your weapons with you?

CAMERON: My carbine is 100% in the bottom of my beach bag.

NICK: It would fit. We declared that it was very large.

LAURA: Oh, there’s no way Xianna’s fitting anything on her person currently, so she has a much smaller bag and it mostly just has drugs in it.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: I don’t have my vibro-axe.

NICK: Okay. if that’s the case, he won’t make a comment about your giant weapon. “Sorry for that. We don’t get a lot of… Wookies?”

HUDSON: “I’m a Gigoran!”

NICK: “Okay… Whatever.”

LAURA: “He is adopted.”

NICK: We get a montage of him making drinks for Tink, which they’re canned and ready to go. Xianna, do you get a beverage at the first tiki bar at the parking lot?

LAURA: Yes. She asks for the biggest drink they have, and I’m sure it’s in one of those yard long margarita glasses they have in Vegas and beach resorts.

NICK: Oh yeah. It’s an actual yard long one, not the ones they call yard long that are a foot and a half. It’s a three foot plastic tube shaped like, hmm, funny Star Wars thing… What’s the name of the instrument that the Biths use?

LAURA: Oh!

CAMERON: Fake clarinet…

LAURA: Uh… I have no idea. It’s just a tube.

NICK: A Gasan String Drum, a Dorenian Beshinquel, a Fanfar, an Ommni Box, a Bandfill, or a Kloo Horn? I think Kloo Horn… Yeah! I got it! If you were curious, this is what a Kloo Horn looks like.

CAMERON: Yeah!

LAURA: It’s just a clarinet.

NICK: Well, this one looks weirdly like a lightsaber.

CAMERON: Kind of.

LAURA: Well, it’s a space clarinet!

CAMERON: It looks like Rey’s staff.

NICK: Yeah, it does. I think they took this from the Star Wars RPG. (laughs)

HUDSON: An aggressive double-sided dildo.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yep! Anything is if you’re brave enough. So they give you this three foot long—which is longer than the actual instrument would be—plasteel drink container. It has a lanyard to go around your neck, and it’s shaped like a Kloo Horn, which are those weird fake oboe things that the band uses in the Mos Eisley cantina, so it’s the Star Wars equivalent of being handed a large drink shaped like a saxophone. You’ve got that. The bartender looks questioningly at Karma. He notes the bathing suit and the mom bag. “Are you a cool mom, or…?”

CAMERON: “Can I have a Starship Juice, please?”

NICK: “Ooh, starting off heavy. Alright.” He turns around and does some shaker things and pours you a Starship Juice. For those who don’t remember, what does that look like?

CAMERON: It’s a tiki drink!

LAURA: Yeah!

NICK: Oh yeah! Anyway. We get you all walking along heading towards your hotel. You see a gorgeous beach on the right. You do see that about two thirds of the people here are Human, but there’s a decent mix of non-Human species here. You see some Ithorians, you see a surprising amount of Draedans considering that in the commercial there were none. Most of them work here but there are other ones that appear to be relaxing. You do see a lot of aquatic races, so there’s some Nautolans, there’s some Mon Cals, there’s some Quarren. It turns out they would appreciate the beach more than some other people would. There are tiki bars probably every 30 feet. They’re everywhere, they’re different styles, they have different cutesy names, but all of the drinks coming out of them look about the same. They all have very muscular, handsome Draedan bartenders or very also muscular and handsome Draedan bartenders… They all kind of look similar in musculature. This is not one of the species where the women are all svelte supermodel looking and the men are all Conan the Barbarian looking. They’re all a predatory species that evolved from eating fish and swimming in the ocean, so they all look about the same. And, you head towards the hotel. As you get into the lobby, the hotel itself is a giant, large condo looking building. It is a big, white, square building that is up on pylons, so it’s about ten feet off the ground. There’s a big, grand staircase that leads to the main entrance which is transparesteel rotating doors. You just see a big old line of windows with balconies on every side. It is that same kind of white stucco, it looks pastoral but that is very clearly a façade put over a standard modern building.

HUDSON: I look 90 degrees both ways, mouth agape, just amazed at the wonders of this hotel.

NICK: You also hear steel drum music coming from nowhere, it’s just around. You’re able to go wherever you want. Where do you wanna go?

HUDSON: Check-in.

CAMERON: Yeah, I guess I’m gonna go to the front desk and check in.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I got us the ultra-suite.”

CAMERON: “Whose name is it under, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Mine.”

LAURA: “Okay, but you are a child.”

HUDSON: “Oh! Shoot! Um…”

CAMERON: “It’s okay. I got this.” I walk up to the front.

NICK: You go up to the main desk. The color of the industry polos is different. This is a maroon one.

CAMERON: Ooh.

NICK: There’s another Draedan female at the desk. There’s a couple of people in line ahead of you, but they are able to go pretty quickly. “Hello, and welcome to Thrinaka Resorts.”

CAMERON: “Thank you. We’re here to check in.”

NICK: “Wonderful!” She smiles real, real big. “Did you have a reservation or is this a spur of the moment vacation?”

CAMERON: “We have a reservation. Sweetie, why don’t you go ahead and give them your name?”

HUDSON: “I’m Tink!”

CAMERON: (softly) “It’s under his name. This is a ‘grown-up’ vacation.” Karma’s like, trying to get—we’re letting him feel like he’s taking us on this vacation like you do with small children when the child buys a very expensive gift for the parent.

HUDSON: “This is MY vacation. Mine!”

LAURA: “It is his birthday.”

HUDSON: “It’s my birthday!”

NICK: So, this is all well and good. I as the GM am struggling with when did you make these reservations?

CAMERON: Tink just did it on the computer. (laughs)

LAURA: Tink did it, so who knows.

HUDSON: We had a lot of time.

NICK: He was hacking? He did something from hyperspace, which sometimes you can do and sometimes you can’t.

HUDSON: (laughs) Yes.

CAMERON: No. it was immediately before we jumped again, since we knew where we were going, he made the reservations.

NICK: Okay, that’s fair, just making sure nobody asks us this question later.

CAMERON: (smiling) It’s a good thing for us to figure out.

NICK: It works for me, and it does make sense because you were bragging about the deal that you could get.

HUDSON: Yeah. Crap, you said go visit that guy to get a discount and we didn’t even try. (laughs)

NICK: You haven’t yet, but you could always do it later. Everything gets charged at the end.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: The receptionist says, “Oh… Well, alright sweetie. Tink, huh? It looks like you tried to make this reservation for—“ She’s talking to Karma and Xianna. Her body is pointed towards Tink, but she’s looking at Karma and Xianna. “It looks like you tried to make the reservation for one of our more premium rooms, but those are all spoken for. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to put you in one of the smaller non-view rooms or upgrade you to—“

LAURA: “Upgrade!”

NICK: “Oh—Okay? All we have left is the Honeymoon Suite.”

LAURA: “Yes please.”

NICK: “… Okay! Great! Awesome. That will be just a second.” We get the tippy-tap, because even though this is Star Wars and they have holograms and touchpads and stuff, it’s a hotel so it has to have an extremely clicky keyboard. I think we can all agree that’s how this works.”

HUDSON: “Moms, what’s a honeymoon?”

LAURA: “So, you know when you get married, after you get married you go on a fun vacation, and after that fun vacation that is when you steal everything that they own and you leave.”

NICK: (smiling) “And it looks like your room is ready!” (laughter) Draedans don’t sweat, but she definitely has the sweatdrop emoji. She’s a little nervous and confused about this. There’s a little pad in front of her terminal. “If you just touch your communicators to that, it will give you access to the room. It’s on the top floor. We’ll charge you everything at the end. If you could just let me know what ship you arrived on we’ll link the room to your registration.”

LAURA: “Um…” Xianna looks at Karma (laughs), and then at Tink, because she doesn’t know what the ship is called currently.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Well… I know what—Call on me! I know what the ship is called!”

NICK: “Alright… little boy.”

HUDSON: “It’s the Morning Despair.”

(laughter)

NICK: “The Morning Despair? Oh, there it is on our records. It’s the only ship that’s landed today.”

LAURA: “Huh, okay. Yes, that is the name of our ship. Yes.”

NICK: “Alright. Most things are included here. Any incidental fees if you want to rent a hover boat or rent any private spaces for receptions or parties, that will all be charged at the end. Don’t worry about it.”

HUDSON: “I want pizza!”

LAURA: “Tink, we can get the pizza in the room, or the bar. You can order food.”

HUDSON: “I want it now!”

LAURA: “We will go back to one of the bars and order you food.”

CAMERON: “Sweetie, let’s go up to the room first and then you can see the view.”

HUDSON: “Fine…”

NICK: Okay. You all go to the lift. You all go up to the top floor. It’s not like a penthouse, it’s not the only thing up there, but whereas most floors have like 65 rooms this one has 5 rooms. It is a much bigger suite. This thing is extremely expensive, and it’s very nice. There are two hot tubs, before you even ask. Everybody has their own room. There are extra rooms. There is a full kitchen. As you walk in there are premade drinks sitting on the bar and a cook is in the kitchen making a meal, and it is a Draedan, and he is very happy and smiles at you. “Well hello there, I was just making you a little something. We’ve got space margaritas already laid out. There’s a pitcher there, just make yourselves at home, and hi there!” Tink is looking eagerly at the margaritas. “Well hi there!” He gives you an orange juice.

LAURA: He would like a pizza please.”

HUDSON: “I’d like a pizza with, um, um, extra cheesy.”

NICK: ‘I’ll make that happen.” He finishes what he was making. It’s like hors d’oeuvre type food, like chips and dip but Star Wars. It’s very hot and delicious. “I’ll just have room service bring something up,” and he walks out.

CAMERON: “Thank you so much.”

HUDSON: “Okay!”

NICK: Whoever is interested in this guy’s butt, it is an extremely nice butt, I just feel like I need to mention that.

LAURA: Nice!

CAMERON: Awesome. Good.

NICK: Those khaki capris… Good look.

LAURA: Are the hot tubs shaped like hearts?

NICK: One of them is.

LAURA: Good, because this is a honeymoon suite.

CAMERON: Is the other one an infinity hot tub, on the balcony? Because it needs to be.

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: Uh-huh. Yep.

CAMERON: Good.

NICK: Those are some details about the room. Anything else you want to throw in now for fun details? This thing is EXTRAVAGANT. Oh, there’s rose petals everywhere by the way.

CAMERON: Good.

LAURA: One room has to also have a disco ball.

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. Yeah. It looks like they reused and redressed the set from the ship and used it again, because it’s very similar. The bed is not round, but it is extremely large and square. There is a disco ball.

LAURA: No, it’s a heart-shaped bed!

NICK: Oh, obviously it’s heart-shaped.

CAMERON: Nicholas, everything is heart-shaped.

LAURA: Because it’s the honeymoon suite~

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Everything is heart-shaped. Any other details we want for this room?

HUDSON: I look around and go into the first room I see, like run in there like a little kid, and I jump on the bed, and I go “Wee!” and it’s like a water bed so my body starts to go up and down.

NICK: Roll me a force die, would you?

CAMERON: (laughs nervously) Oh no.

NICK: You’re a big old boy.

HUDSON: Heh. Two light side.

NICK: Two light side! The bed supports you perfectly well and does not break or pop or flood the rooms below you. (laughter) Good job. And it’s super fun, and that bed’s probably invincible for some reason.

HUDSON: Yes.

CAMERON: Tink takes off and leaps onto the bed and Karma just looks at Xianna… It’s a tired mom face. You know that look.

LAURA: “Don’t worry. They make the water beds in these kinds of places really hard to pop.”

CAMERON: “I’m just having flashbacks.”

LAURA: “You know you can—To the water bed?”

CAMERON: “No. No? Well, now I am, but no.”

LAURA: “I don’t know how Nautolans reproduce, so I don’t actually know if there was a water bed involved or not.”

NICK: I mean, kinda.

CAMERON: Honestly, I’m not sure either. (giggles) “But no, I was having flashbacks actually. Tink is behaving very similar to one of my sons.”

LAURA: “Oh yes, with the jumping and the woo.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh, and the demanding pizzas and… yep.”

HUDSON: “I need to act in character, guys.”

CAMERON: “Tink, there’s no one in here right now.”

HUDSON: “There was the chef!”

CAMERON: “And he left.”

LAURA: “Yes, but we could always pay them a lot more money to not repeat anything, like you always do.”

HUDSON: “We can just tell him to leave.”

CAMERON: “It’s true.”

LAURA: “Or just tell them to leave.”

HUDSON: “There doesn’t need to be money involved.”

LAURA: “Or invite them to the water bed. Well not you, because they think you are a child, but you know, the adults.”

NICK: The doorbell rings.

CAMERON: Karma goes over and answers the door?

NICK: There is a very hot pizza sitting on a tray.

CAMERON: “Tink, your pizza is here!”

HUDSON: “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” I run over and grab the pizza, and it’s too hot, an di just drop it, but I don’t drop it onto the floor I drop it back into the tray, whatever was carrying it.

LAURA: “Okay. Tink, how about we put the pizza on the counter and you wait for it to cool a little bit?”

HUDSON: “Okay…”

LAURA: “Also, did you have to order extra cheese?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay…”

HUDSON: “It’s so cheesy and so good.”

CAMERON: “… Uh-huh.”

HUDSON: “I’d say it’s dangerously cheesy.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay then… Uh… You have your pizza. I’m going to go to the pool now.”

HUDSON: “I guess I’m prepared for it.” I look down at my swim trunks.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: “You don’t want to eat your pizza?”

LAURA: “You can bring it with.”

HUDSON: “I can bring it with.”

CAMERON: “Fair. Alright. Be very careful carrying the tray.”

HUDSON: “Okay, mom…”

CAMERON: (laughing) “If you’re gonna stay in character the whole time, I’m going to too.”

LAURA: “I am not. (laughs) Let’s go~”

CAMERON: “Also, I had a question before we leave. I just want to get clarification on our family setup right now.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Is this for me?”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Oh. Did you put real information down, or…?”

HUDSON: “No. Y’all are my moms.”

CAMERON: “Okay cool. I thought that was the case. I just wanted to confirm.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Here’s the thing though, Tink. If I am talking to someone, do not tell them that I am pretend married and that you are my child.”

CAMERON: “Hey! He never said you were pretend married.”

LAURA: “Pretend parenting together.”

CAMERON: “We’re not necessarily even parenting together… but we are taking our son on a vacation.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “So just do not come up to anyone I am, uh, how you say, chatting up and tell them you are my child. Please do not, unless I tell you to. Sometimes being a responsible parent is a desirable thing for some people. I do not need a 2+ meter child running around at them. That is scary.”

HUDSON: “Excuse me, I’m 2.13 meters.”

LAURA: “That is why I said 2+.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Yeah.”

LAURA: “I don’t know exact heights. I’m bad at math.”

NICK: And the elevator dings open! (laughter) There is an extremely large pool. It’s actually three or four pools stuck together in very organic looking ways. There are swim-up bars and tiki bars on the side, and just a lot of sundrenched vacationers relaxing. There is a wide range. There are some people who look like professional athletes, there are some people who look like suburban dads coming to a vacation, and everything in between, all sorts of different species. You all have drinks and a hot pizza.

HUDSON: It’s cooled by now.

CAMERON: Yeah, the elevator ride, it’s… You can eat it now.

NICK: You have an edible pizza! I’m glad that’s the detail we’re focused on.

HUDSON: I walk and eat. Cheese gets everywhere.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

CAMERON: Gross.

LAURA: Xianna’s already in the pool.

CAMERON: Karma grabs some lawn chairs and sets up camp with HK.

HUDSON: Slice of pizza in hand, I cannonball.

CAMERON: Oh gross.

NICK: I want an Athletics check for how disruptive this cannonball is, please.

LAURA: Can Xianna see this coming?!

NICK: Maybe. Why? What does Xianna want to do?

CAMERON: How could you stop it though?

LAURA: Avoid it somehow!

CAMERON: Oh, avoid getting hit.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Easy.

LAURA: She’ll need to push her beach bag far away from the edge of the pool.

HUDSON: One advantage.

NICK: Okay. You do a minor splash. Xianna definitely sees it coming and moves everything out of the way. Also, these are very wide decks around the pool so you’re not too close anyway. Tink kind of side flops. It’s just not great. I think the advantage is that one of the service staff, as you’re in the air, just lightning quick creeps out and takes the slice of pizza from you, and then as you come up for air says, “Please refrain from eating in the pool. Thank you.” Then they walk away with your slice of pizza. The advantage is you didn’t fuck up the pool or get covered in soggy cheese.

HUDSON: “Wait! … I want my pi—Oh whatever.”

NICK: So, you are in a pool scenario. What activities are you doing to relax?

LAURA: Drinking in the pool.

NICK: Sounds good.

LAURA: That is pretty much all Xianna is doing. She is posted up on one of those little in-pool benches so she can sit, and she’s near the bar getting drinks, and kind of just smiling at anyone she fancies.

CAMERON: Did Xianna go into the adult only section of the pool?

LAURA: Yeah. She’s in the little section, one where they have the little sectioning so the water still flows back and forth, and if you really need to cross over you can, but it is to prevent the kids from coming right up to the bar area.

HUDSON: I swim for a little bit in the pool that I jumped into and then I remember there is a kids area with slides, so I get out of the pool, go over to that area, and shenanigans ensue.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. As you walk into that area you can see the only lifeguard on duty. It’s a brawny Trandoshan with red trunks and a large swath of white zinc sunscreen on his lizardy nose, and one of the floating tubes that the lifeguards use. He’s looking at you, and it’s definitely the feeling you get if an alligator is looking at you and you are standing by the river it’s in. Trandoshans are scary. At first the lifeguard doesn’t say anything, and then as you start to climb onto the slides and things he blows a whistle which is very impressive with crocodile teeth and comes over to you. “Sir, this area is for children only.”

HUDSON: “I’m seven years old!” And I hold up nine fingers.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Uh… They didn’t train me for this in lifeguard school.”

HUDSON: “It’s okay. I still like you.”

NICK: Make me a Deception check.

CAMERON: Can he have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit?

NICK: (reluctantly) He can have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Average. I want to flip a dark side point.

HUDSON: Oh, I already rolled it.

NICK: Oh fine. No dark side point.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and a threat.

NICK: Hmm… So, you succeed at convincing this guy you’re a child.

HUDSON: Like really succeed.

NICK: Is there something you would like your triumph to be used for?

HUDSON: Feels so bad for me that I get to cut the line?

NICK: Could be.

CAMERON: And he fits on all of the slides.

NICK: Okay. A triumph could be that you fit on the slides.

HUDSON: Yeah, I fit on the slides.

CAMERON: Because then you can have fun.

NICK: The threat is, he looks at you and says, “My mistake, but… no running. I’ve got my eye on you, kid.” He lets you go on your way, but anytime you get more than 10% fun shenanigans-wise, he blows his whistle. “That’s strike two ,buddy.”

HUDSON: “How many strikes do I get?”

NICK: “That depends. Don’t go for strike three just in case.”

HUDSON: “Okay… Gah…”

NICK: (laughs) That’s the sound that Tink makes going down the slide.

HUDSON: Wahhh!

(laughter)

CAMERON: He doesn’t want to be having too much fun.

NICK: Yeah, because then you might get the whistle blown at you. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: Karma has setup camp on one of the lounge chairs under one of the umbrellas. HK is in the lounge chair next to her. They’re both just chillin’.

NICK: He’s stuck very awkwardly between the slats in some places because he’s so—

CAMERON: No-no-no, it’s one of the ones that is fully cushioned. We’re paying a lot of money, so we got into the special area that has the really nice squishy lounge chairs.

NICK: Ohh, that’s fair. Okay fine, so he is there sitting completely still. The only way you know he’s not turned off is his eyes are still lit.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna get up. “HK, watch my bag, please.”

NICK: “Acknowledgement: I will watch your bag, and kill any organics who approach.”

CAMERON: “Maybe not kill, but threaten with bodily harm is okay.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: Karma walks off and just runs into the water once she’s in the beach section and goes swimming in the ocean.

NICK: Oh, okay. You skip the pool and go straight to the ocean.

CAMERON: Yes. Salt water is my natural habitat.

NICK: The pool does backup to the ocean. It’s funny that there are as many people in the pool as there is because there’s this gorgeous natural beach right here.

CAMERON: Well, waves suck.

NICK: I disagree.

CAMERON: No, they hurt.

LAURA: That’s what happens at actual beach resorts. Heh.

NICK: I know. That’s why I think it’s great that we did that. That’s fun.

CAMERON: And there are scary things swimming in the ocean that often aren’t in pools.

NICK: Okay. Xianna is flirting with people, or I guess patrolling for people. Karma is swimming in the ocean. Tink is playing on all the slides. That’s how you pass the afternoon. Does anybody feel like they are particularly successful at their restful activities?

CAMERON: I swim in the ocean real good.

NICK: Okay. Do you make any new friends?

CAMERON: Yes, anyone else who’s underwater swimming. We go on an adventure and we look at all the pretty coral.

NICK: So you do snorkeling but you don’t need a snorkel because you can breathe underwater.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay cool. If you ever want to have one of those people come back just let me know.

CAMERON: Cool. One of them is a Mon Cal surf instructor. (laughs)

NICK: Because when I think agile I think Mon Cal.

CAMERON: See, I thought about doing Nautolan, then I was like no I don’t want a Nautolan friend, so a Mon Cal surf instructor. That’s just so much better.

NICK: Xianna, did you make any new friends at the bar?

LAURA: Xianna made a lot of friends. She’s now friends with all the bartenders that worked at that little swim-up bar and a good number of people are good friends with her. She had to pick a fake name though.

NICK: What name did she give out?

LAURA: What did I do? Let’s see…

NICK: What did we call the ship, the Morning Despair?

CAMERON: Yup. (laughs) Are we spelling it like ‘good morning’ or ‘you’re in mourning?’

HUDSON: Oh, that’s a good question.

CAMERON: Because being in mourning is funny, and I kind of want to spell it that way.

HUDSON: Let’s do that one.

LAURA: She told them all her name was Seela.

NICK: Seela, okay. That’s how you pass the afternoon. You all have a delightful time. As evening comes to the resort, you have not ventured super far from the hotel, but this is a pretty good sized island as far as a resort island would go. It’s probably ten kilometers wide and there’s a little tiny manicured pseudo-jungle in the middle, but the rest is all just beaches and relaxing facilities and different adventure activities to do. As the evening happens you see that there’s a couple activities near the hotel where people are tending to gather. There is a large bonfire that is in a permanent pit that looks like they build every night.

CAMERON: With s’mores?

NICK: Yes, with s’mores, and snacks and drinks.

CAMERON: Good.

NICK: It’s kind of a meet and greet setup. Then there are some non-tiki bars, some club setups that open mostly at night that you could go to. And then there’s other activities and things. How do you all spend the evening?

CAMERON: Karma definitely takes Tink to go get s’mores.

HUDSON: I definitely go get s’mores.

CAMERON: Because that’s like the accepted kid activity.

HUDSON: I am super excited about that, as an adult and a kid.

CAMERON: Karma is too. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna goes with for s’mores.

NICK: We get a really adorable over-the-shoulder shot of the three of you all sitting on short stools made out of driftwood next to this really big bonfire making s’mores and chatting and laughing.

CAMERON: Four of us.

NICK: All four of you.

CAMERON: We have HK roasting marshmallows as well.

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: With incredible precision.

LAURA: We have him holding the marshmallows.

NICK: Yeah. He’s holding two sticks in each hand and he has them at the exact right distance from the flames, and his wrists are rotating 360 degrees to get a rotisserie effect.

CAMERON: This is going much better than the snickerdoodles.

NICK: Yes. Well, you basically manually instructed him, like close these fingers, hold this like this, begin rotation, maintain until otherwise instructed, because if you were like ‘make s’mores’ he probably would have started close combat with somebody. But yeah, he’s doing that.

HUDSON: Now tell me if this won’t work, Nick…

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m eating s’mores, and suddenly I’m like “Guys, I totally forgot. I signed us up for the volleyball tournament! Including HK!”

(laughter)

NICK: Fuck yes!

LAURA: “Ohh… Um, oh wow…”

CAMERON: “I mean, if I’m drafting a volleyball team, you’re gonna be one of my top choices, Tink.”

HUDSON: “No, no, I just signed up you, me, Xianna and HK, four on four.”

CAMERON: “I know. That’s what I was saying, buddy. I was saying that I’m glad to have you on my team”

HUDSON: “Oh. I see.”

NICK: (fighting laughter) Guys… Guys…

LAURA: “I don’t know how I feel about this!”

HUDSON & CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No, you don’t understand, on my list of activities for these episodes volleyball is second from the bottom. I’m so happy.

(laughter)

CAMERON: “Alright. When is this tournament?”

HUDSON: “This tournament is first thing tomorrow morning, so we can’t be drinking too much.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.” (laughter) “Tink, do you know how much I’ve been drinking?”

HUDSON: “No…”

LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’more… s’mores? Is it singular or plural for one singular one?”

HUDSON: “The plural is singular.”

NICK: Agh!

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’mores and whatever fruit came in my blended fruited drinks, so maybe we should go to the room, I will eat a pizza and then sleep, so that I don’t die during volleyball tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “That’s probably a good plan.”

HUDSON: “I don’t know about you all, but I’m real excited.”

LAURA: “I am not. I am so sorry, but I am not.”

CAMERON: “What’s your volleyball resume look like, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Well, if I were to write a resume I’d probably make some stuff up and forge it, so…”

CAMERON: “Alright. Great. That sounds wonderful.”

LAURA: “Does anyone know how volleyball rules work? Because I don’t.”

HUDSON: “All you have to do is you throw it up and you spike it. That’s it.”

LAURA: “So you stab it?”

CAMERON: “No-no-no…”

HUDSON: “No. Spiking it is when you take the palm of your hand and instead of caressing the ball, as you would think you would need to do, I’ve learned that you actually have to hit it really hard to the other side of the net, and if it goes in the net then you have to headbutt it over.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. Tink, we have to explain volleyball to HK.”

LAURA: (weakly) “O…kay…”

HUDSON: “No, HK might know already. Maybe HK’s played.”

CAMERON: “HK, have you ever played volleyball?”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: Does it look like I have played volleyball?”

LAURA: “No it does not.”

CAMERON: “Nope, but I figured you were here so I’d ask you.”

HUDSON: “HK, do you know the rules of volleyball?”

NICK: “Conjecture: You might have better luck programming me with the rules before this so called contest tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “Can you do that, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Yes. I can program the rules.”

CAMERON: “You’re really smart with computers!”

HUDSON: “Yeah! I can definitely program them.”

CAMERON: Karma looks around at the other people who are sitting at the fire. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna looks between Karma and Hank and Tink and just shakes her head. “I cannot do this right now. I am going to the room… Bye.”

NICK: And that will be the end of the episode!

(laughter)

LAURA: “If anyone else wants a pizza let me know~!”

CAMERON: “I’ll take one~”

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: Episode 32 Commercial Success

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 32:
Commercial Success

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

To start, I want to thank That Tucky for their five-star review on iTunes. We appreciate you giving us a shout out. Reviews are still one of the top ways to help people find the show, and thank you for braving the labyrinth of iTunes to do that for us.

Up next, we have some new patrons to thank. Tucker Maltby, thank you so much for becoming a patron. I’m going to guess that you may have been the one to leave us a review as well, so we doubly thank you for that one-two punch of support. The crew will raise a glass of Flame Out in your honor. John Michael, thank you so much for supporting the show. JM played Raymond Jyn in one of our Jedi Adventures. Thanks for being super cool.

If you tuned in to our $69 celebration pizza party, thank you for stopping by. We were absolutely floored by the amount of fans who showed up and joined us as we ate a seven-inch-tall cake-shaped pizza and made fun of the terrible questions on Star Wars Family Feud. If you enjoyed our stream, we are close to doing that on a regular basis. When we reach $150 on Patreon we’re going to add a support level that gets you access to regular streams and Q&As. Talk to your friends about the show and help us get there. The biggest of thanks to all of our Patreon backers. You’re making this story possible.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 32 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Good to have you back on this sunny, sunny afternoon. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody introduce yourselves, say who you’re playing, and if you spent any experience since last time why don’t you just let the audience know what you spent that on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I’m Cameron. I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I bought two talents on my talent trees. I bought Rapid Recovery on my Skiptracer tree so I can heal strain faster after battling, and I bought Anatomy Lessons on my Assassin tree.

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: After making a successful attack I can spend one Destiny Point to add damage equal to Intellect to one hit.

NICK: Neat. Alright, thank you for that. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I bought talents on my semi-new Scoundrel tree. I bought Convincing Demeanor, which lets me remove setback dice from Deception and Skulduggery checks, and then I got another rank in Hidden Storage, so the coat that defies physics continues to defy physics.

NICK: What does that bring your encumbrance ability up to?

LAURA: So it doesn’t add to my actual encumbrance threshold, it just allows me to hide encumbrance in the item that I apply it to, so I can now hide four encumbrance in the jacket.

NICK: Oh geez. That’s four vibro-swords.

LAURA: (laughs) Is a vibro-sword just one?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah, uh…

CAMERON: Probably, they’re skinny.

NICK: So you can put two vibro-axes in your coat, technically.

LAURA: I could, yes.

NICK: Wow. Neat.

LAURA: If we wanna be real loosey-goosey with it.

NICK: If it comes up we’ll negotiate.

LAURA: It would take some sort of opposed Skulduggery check to see if I have two vibro-axes in the coat…

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Oh well.

LAURA: It doesn’t make sense. Heh.

NICK: I’m sure it will be fine. The coat of many things.

CAMERON: Coat of many pockets.

LAURA: There’s lots and lots of pockets. Yes.

NICK: Neat. Last but not least, we have Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I play Rallltinkraatakat, also known as Tink, the Gigoran slicer. I leveled up in Melee to Level 4…

CAMERON: Oh shit.

HUDSON: …to be a badass. I also upped my Coordination to Level 3.

NICK: So you’re agile?

HUDSON: I am an agile melee-er.

NICK: Interesting. Alright. Level 3 Coordination means you can start doing crazy cartwheels and stuff to get through situations. That’s fun. Cool.

HUDSON: Yeah. It will come up, as I am a seven foot Gigoran.

NICK: Yeah, but you move like silent death apparently. Before we get into recapping and the adventure, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

LAURA: One light side.

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Oh dear.

NICK: Ooh.

LAURA: I tried, okay?

NICK: You tried real hard.

LAURA: I can’t carry the whole team.

HUDSON: And got so far.

CAMERON: I didn’t separate out the die that I fired last time, so…

NICK: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: …this may actually—I don’t know.

NICK: Everyone looks so disappointed. It’s going to be okay. we usually forget those are there.

CAMERON: … But I’m sad~

NICK: Okay~ Last time, you finished robbing a secret Kuat Drives facility and secured the cooperation of Valorissia in Sentinel’s plans. It did end with Xianna blowing a minor hole in Valorissia’s lab, but she had already asked you to tell Sentinel to reach out to her again and that they were willing to deal, so the mission was a rousing success. So you were able to leave. Am I missing anything else really? Pretty much, you successfully stole the thing, went back—

LAURA: Oh. We can get 7,500 Credits from Sentinel.

CAMERON: Yeah, because we didn’t promise Valorissia any of the money, and she still agreed to it, and Sentinel said we could keep 50% of what we didn’t give.

NICK: Oh… That is true. We’ll deal with that in-game.

CAMERON: Just so you’re aware that we’re all aware.

NICK: (smiling) Okay. That’s good. Good for y’all. That should be fine. Alright, so we’ll get into it. The Afternoon Delight is floating in the void of space. After leaving the research station you decided to do a short hop to make it harder to track your team, and also you decided it would be best to leave the area quickly in case anyone thought to make you pay for the repairs for the damage you caused. Karma has opened a channel to Sentinel from the holo-theater on board. A life-size blue hologram is floating in front of the crew. Sentinel looks surprised. “Well, it’s good to see you all. It looks like the negotiations were short. How did it go?”

LAURA: “Yes. So, we were able to get her to agree to your plans, whatever they were. Also, we got her down to 0 Credits, so we get half of the 15,000, correct?”

NICK: “She agreed to do the work for free?”

LAURA: “Well, I mean, we had to steal some things, and it was a whole thing, but no money, so…”

NICK: “Hmm.”

CAMERON: “She was really into this ship part.”

NICK: “I had been hoping that would be the case. So, she said she’s going to come work for me immediately?”

CAMERON: “She says you should com her again.”

NICK: “So, your goals allow me to now negotiate?”

CAMERON: “No. She says call her so she can have coordinates and shit.”

LAURA: “She does not know where to go.”

NICK: “That does make sense. We are pretty secret.” In the background actually, you see the protocol droid waddling by carrying a big crate full of stuff. A lot of it looks like rolled up flimsy and computer parts and things.

You hear over the coms the protocol droid saying, “And I will continue to load the ship.”

Sentinel turns back to you all and says, “Yeah. I’m in the process of relocating. I think we’ve been here a little too long. I will reach out to Valerissa before—“

CAMERON: “Valorissia.”

NICK: “Sorry, what?”

CAMERON: “Valorissia.”

NICK: “Valerissa.”

CAMERON: “Valorissia. You’re missing an I. I think that’s why she refused to talk to you at first.”

LAURA: “No, he has both eyes!”

NICK: “Yes. I was very injured, but my eyes are still—“

CAMERON: “Xianna…”

HUDSON: “Xianna, that was…”

LAURA: “(giggles)”

CAMERON: “Everyone, that is not what I was saying, and I think you all know that. One of the I’s in Valorissia’s name. It’s very rude to not get to know someone’s name before you ask them to help you save the galaxy.”

NICK: “Well, thank you for helping… with that hot tip.”

CAMERON: “You’re welcome.”

NICK: “I will make sure to call her Valorissia.”

CAMERON: “She actually just goes by Val. It’s not important at all.”

NICK: “Oh. Okay, I’ll just call her Val then. Thank you. You know, working through several different intermediaries that talk to each other and only having limited communication, and then also you know how when you start using scrambler programs and coms, things get lost. Sometimes things like names may be slightly incorrect or amount of payment may get a little confused, you know, all sorts of things. We’ll work it out. I will be contacting Val. Hopefully she doesn’t mention payment or anything like that. If that’s the case, the next time I see you we’ll be making that transfer. I’m good for anything.”

CAMERON: “Great!”

HUDSON: “So, I know you’re probably relocating to a secret location, however is it an upgrade? Does it have a pool, hot tub, what’s the deal? Give me the deets.”

NICK: “Unfortunately the only hot tub in my possession is now on your ship, so probably not.”

LAURA: “Wait. You had a hot tub and then you put it on our ship?”

NICK: “Well, the only access to a hot tub I had was through the ship that I gave to you all so that you could carry out your mission. I should be clear.”

LAURA: “Okay. Okay.”

NICK: “Once again, I am working on being more clear in my communication and revealing any details you may need to help you be successful.”

CAMERON: “I’m really glad we cleared up that hot tub issue.”

LAURA: “I mean, if the hot tub is removable, that would be useful information.”

CAMERON: “What would we do with it, Xianna?! Why would you take it off the ship?”

LAURA: “Take it with us! We could take it to the hotels and places that do not have a hot tub to begin with.”

CAMERON: “But we could just go back onto the ship and get in the hot tub. There’s no need to remove it.”

LAURA: “But what if the ship is going in for repairs? Then we can’t go back on it and we could use the hot tub with us.”

CAMERON: “We totally went back on the ship when Zubo was repairing it last time.”

LAURA: “Yes, but what if we are installing new carpet or something?”

HUDSON: “Xianna, logistically it just won’t work out.”

CAMERON: “We are not replacing this carpet, Xianna. I love this carpet.”

NICK: The red shag carpeting?

CAMERON: Yeah! In the Afternoon Delight it’s all shag carpeting. It’s not necessarily all red.

NICK: Most of it is.

LAURA: But it’s all shag.

CAMERON: But it’s all shag carpeting.

NICK: Ah-ha.

LAURA: “Look. At some point we might want to replace the carpeting, even if we replace it with more shag carpeting… It’s shag carpeting, so you know at some point you can’t really clean everything out of it.”

HUDSON: “Besides the cleanliness issues, I suffer from a lot of static shock. It’s getting real annoying.”

CAMERON: “That’s why you get in the hot tub.”

LAURA: “Also Tink, you spilled a whole mix of some sort of drink powder all over the carpet in the kitchenette area. Do we need the shag carpeting in the kitchen area and the refreshers?”

CAMERON: “Okay. I would like to remove the carpet from the kitchen area, from the refreshers… the area around the hot tub gets really wet and squishy and is kind of gross, and it’s starting to smell funny.”

LAURA: “I think I saw something moving.”

CAMERON: “No, you did not see something moving. Do not tell me that, Xianna.”

LAURA: “I saw something moving! Something is down there.” Heh.

CAMERON: “In the carpet?”

LAURA: “In the carpet!”

HUDSON: “I think you were trippin’, man.”

LAURA: “No. That is not how impact works.”

CAMERON: “Oh, did you trip over it though?”

LAURA: “I did trip over it. I’m not sure exactly what it is. I think I saw an eyeball pop up.”

NICK: Sentinel has just been awkwardly sitting here the whole time.

(giggling)

LAURA: “Oh! I forgot you are here.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, welcome to Carpet Talk.”

CAMERON: “You know Hank, you’re free to join in on these conversations.”

NICK: “Reassurance: If I need to say something, I will say something.”

CAMERON: “Cool. Alright. I just wanted to make sure.”

NICK: “What a refreshing take on dealing with a professional liaison and trying to get extra information. You know, that assassin droid that we found for you is really a good pickup. I’m happy about that.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. HK’s pretty great.”

HUDSON: “I think we’re growing to be friends.”

NICK: “Observation: That would be very difficult as I don’t have feelings.”

LAURA: “Yeah. I think he might kill us in our sleep sometime.”

CAMERON: “Only you, you’re not a primary.”

LAURA: “Only me.”

NICK: “Conjecture: That is likely.”

LAURA: “I told you.”

CAMERON: (laughs) “Wait. Which part is likely, HK?”

NICK: He just stares into space.

LAURA: “Hank, if you do kill me I assume it will be over something I truly did and deserved, so… I doubt you will do it for no reason. So anyways, Sentinel, are we doing something?”

NICK: “yes?”

LAURA: “Or did we just call you to give us money?”

CAMERON: “You said something about the fourth team member.”

LAURA: Xianna’s putting out her fingers. “Okay, Karma, me, Tink, Hank… That’s four.”

CAMERON: “No, no, Beta Squad, Xianna. Beta Squad.”

LAURA: “Oh! Oh. Not us.”

CAMERON: “Yes, not Alpha Team, Beta Squad.”

LAURA: “Okay, Beta Squad.”

NICK: “Yes. There is one more person to be picked up for Beta Squad before we are able to start speaking tactically and plan out this strike. Remember, there is going to be a pretty powerful payday after this is all over if you make it through, so please keep the eye on the prize as they say. But, I am glad to see you were so successful. It’s only been, what, three days since we last talked?”

LAURA: “I have no idea.”

CAMERON: “You know, I’m honestly not sure. Time is kind of a weird, wimbly-wombly, strange thing that I don’t quite understand.”

LAURA: “There’s really not a day or night in the vacuum of space, it’s all relative to the planets, and you know if you’re going from one planet where it is daytime and then you travel six hours and then the next planet you are on is also daytime it gets very confusing.”

CAMERON: “And we were just on a lot of asteroids, so the day-night thing wasn’t really…”

NICK: “You know that your ship has an atomically accurate timekeeping piece so that it can do hyperdrive calculations, right?”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “What?! Computer! How long have we been playing this game?”

NICK: You don’t have a… It’s not a Star Trek computer.

(laughter)

CAMERON: Damn! What is it gonna take to get us one? (giggles)

HUDSON: “Why are you talking to the ship like that? We’ve never had that ability.”

CAMERON: “I don’t know! I find weird things about this ship every day, Tink.”

LAURA: “Tink, do you know where that is?”

NICK: There’s a blinking alarm clock style readout above every door in this ship for what time it is.

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh…” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yeah, I know what time it is, but where does it keep track of the days?”

NICK: Eh, it’s on the computer or whatever.

HUDSON: “I thought that was how many days since the last injury clock. Oh…”

LAURA: “Oh, there’s no way that is correct.”

CAMERON: “Yeah. That’s way too high.”

HUDSON: “Yeah, you’re right.”

NICK: “Well, all that aside, I’m gonna be honest. I thought that Valorissia was gonna drive a harder bargain with you. You must have really impressed her.”

LAURA: “Tink fought her. He punched her at one point.”

HUDSON: “Listen. There were…”

LAURA: “She punched you.”

CAMERON: “They had a nice, friendly bar fight.”

LAURA: “She won. I won some money.”

HUDSON: “Eh, I don’t think there were winners or losers.”

CAMERON: “She beat you, Tink.”

LAURA: “She won, because I won the bet that I put on her against you, remember?”

HUDSON: “That was a crooked bet.”

LAURA: ‘It was, because I cheated, but just a little bit. I just moved it along.”

CAMERON: “Xianna!”

LAURA: “I just moved the fight along. I didn’t do anything to really affect the outcome.”

CAMERON: “What did you do?”

LAURA: “I think I spilled a drink at some point. I think. I think I spilled a drink so that Tink would slip and fall and the fight would end faster, because it was really dragging on.”

NICK: “Observation: Xianna spilled a drink on purpose to help someone trip and give a blue die to Tink’s combat check.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you, hank! That was very useful.”

HUDSON: “(strained) What’s a combat check? Oh! This fight is null and void.”

CAMERON: “HK, I wasn’t sure your Perception was that high.”

NICK: “Observation: It isn’t.”

LAURA: “I also told everyone afterwards.”

CAMERON: “Okay, cool. I was drinking that ocean drink so I don’t remember.”

NICK: Once again, Sentinel is just kind of open-mouthed. “You all seem to be… in better moods than the last time we spoke. Was this mission fun?”

CAMERON: “Bonding as a family.”

LAURA: “I did not get shot, that I remember.”

HUDSON: “I got some of my anger out in that fight.”

CAMERON: “I actually didn’t get shot either. That’s a very good reason for why I’m happier right now, Xianna.”

LAURA: “I had a bunch of shots. They were neon colors. They were very bright.”

CAMERON: “Shots were had, but not at us.”

HUDSON: “I had no shots.”

LAURA: “They just tasted like colors.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “How do you taste colors?”

LAURA: “You know, the blue one tasted like blue. You know, like Gatorade? There’s a blue Gatorade and it tastes like blue, and there’s a yellow Gatorade and it tastes like yellow.”

HUDSON: “Xianna, you’re sounding like Sabos.”

LAURA: Oh no…

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: quick! Check to see if I have a third lekku!

CAMERON: Nope, you’ve only got two. You’re safe. Would you get three though, or would you randomly grow a fourth? And then how do we know it was the fourth if you still only had two?

LAURA: Do two just grow at the exact same time and you then have to decide which was the fourth one?

CAMERON: I don’t know…

LAURA: I don’t like where this is going.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Sentinel shakes his head a little bit. “Well, that’s all well and good. I’m glad that you are coming together as a unit. You will need that in the coming weeks. Here’s the good news, I do have the next step for you all. I was in the process, I just thought I would be a little further along, because I thought there was going to be more time. Like I said, I’m working through liaisons to other liaisons—“

CAMERON: “And you’re moving right now, so it’s understandable.”

NICK: “I mean, mostly the droid is moving…” You see (mechanical “waddle” noises) as it goes by carrying the same box.

CAMERON: “It’s still very stressful.”

LAURA: “How long does it really take to move? You put everything in one bag and you go.”

NICK: “Yeah actually, as someone who moves around quite a bit and does spy things, I shouldn’t have a lot of stuff.”

CAMERON: “I’m confused as to how much you have to pack.”

NICK: “Well, the holo-projector and all the plans, there’s a lot of data.”

CAMERON: “Oh, okay, computer stuff. I can see that.”

HUDSON: “Do you need boxes? I have boxes.”

NICK: “Why do you have boxes?”

LAURA: “He just likes to sit in them.”

CAMERON: “It’s what all the popsicles came in, right?”

HUDSON: “It’s where all the popsicles came in. I don’t like to sit in them. I’m not some kind of animal.”

LAURA: “What do you mean all the popsicles?”

HUDSON: “I… bought a lot of popsicles recently.”

LAURA: “But there is no popsicles in the fridge, or freezer.”

HUDSON: “They are ALL gone.”

LAURA: “You ate all the popsicles?! I didn’t get any~!”

HUDSON: “yeah you didn’t, they’re my popsicles.”

NICK: Tink’s eyes are shifting back and forth very quickly.

LAURA: “So, you ate all those popsicles? There was like a box of 1,000.”

HUDSON: “It was more like a crate with boxes on them, but yes.”

LAURA: “You seriously ate like 2,000 popsicles in a day?”

HUDSON: “I haven’t had much else. Everything smells like watermelon now. It’s weird. My room is not very clean.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We have to replace the carpet in your room, too.”

LAURA: “Oh, have you seen the carpet in his room?”

CAMERON: “No. I try not to go in Tink’s room.”

LAURA: “It is sticky.”

HUDSON: “It’s not. Okay, so only recently is it sticky.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “The popsicles.”

HUDSON: “The popsicles.”

LAURA: “Also, the carpet in Sabos’s room is sticky too. I don’t think it’s popsicles, but Tink’s is definitely popsicles. It is a different color now.”

HUDSON: “What are you doing in my room?”

LAURA: “Nothing!”

HUDSON: “That cannot be the case.”

LAURA: “I needed a box to put something in, so I went in your room to get a box.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, do you need a box?”

NICK: “I think I’m okay. You clearly are working a lot of stuff out. Let me get through the rest of this information really quick. I was really worried you weren’t going to be happy with these instructions, but honestly I think you could use a little more bonding time so I think this is going to work out fine. The problem with the final member of Beta Squad is they are currently embedded in a warzone.

LAURA: “Okay.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “So… You’ll be doing one of those situations. The problem is it’s an Imperial warzone—“

LAURA: “I mean, what other ones are there at this point?”

NICK: “Well, sometimes there are civil war zones or system wide warzones. This one is an Imperial warzone, and there’s a problem with the planet that means you can only get in a very specific couple of ways, so I’m in the process of getting you transportation.”

CAMERON: “Alright.”

LAURA: “Okay. What is this planet?”

NICK: “Um, ever heard of Sesid?”

LAURA & CAMERON: “No.”

NICK: “Good. That’s where I’m sending you, not the planet you’ll be going to eventually.”

LAURA: “Well, what is that planet?”

CAMERON: “Why is it good that we haven’t heard of it?”

HUDSON: “I’ve actually heard of it.”

NICK: “Sesid is where you’re going to meet up with your contact that will help you get transported to… The name of the city that I’m gonna have you going to is called Sart. It’s on the planet of Fygo, but to do that there’s an energy shield that’s malfunctioned and basically I’ll have to have you smuggled in. Don’t worry about that right now.”

LAURA: “I mean, I am not.”

NICK: “Good. Great. The place that I’m going to have you meeting up with the people who will help smuggle you in is called—“

CAMERON: “Is Cesspit?”

NICK: “Sesid.”

CAMERON: “Okay. Sorry, I missed it.”

HUDSON: “Cesspool?”

LAURA: “Sesid.”

NICK: “The planet is Sesid.”

HUDSON: “Ah, okay.”

LAURA: “How would one spell that?”

NICK: “If you were say taking notes, it would be S-E-S-I-D, Sesid.” The other planet I would have sent you to I didn’t know how to pronounce so I picked this one, says Nick. (laughs)

HUDSON: “I feel like there should be some C’s in there.”

NICK: “Nope.”

HUDSON: “Alright. I was never good at spelling.”

CAMERON: “That actually surprises me with how smart you are, Tink.”

LAURA: “Yes. You have a university degree, or at least part of one.”

HUDSON: “Do you really correlate people with university degrees as those with smarts?”

LAURA: “I at least assume they know how to spell.”

HUDSON: “I can spell, I just can’t spell planet names that, like, are complicated.”

LAURA: “But don’t you have those standardized testing things where you have to name planets for no reason other than to prove you know them?”

HUDSON: “Those are all scams.”

LAURA: “No, they’re scans, they scan them.”

HUDSON: “No, they’re—Gah. No, they are scams, as in they are illegitimate.”

CAMERON: “The tests or the university?”

LAURA: “I know what a scam is, I’m just saying that the tests, they scan them.”

HUDSON: “I was meaning the test.”

LAURA: “The universities are a scam.”

HUDSON: “There we go. Now we’re getting somewhere. They are scams. I got through and I got a degree, however that doesn’t mean—“

LAURA: “I thought you dropped out?”

HUDSON: “No, what I meant—I dropped out, and the reason I dropped out was because I didn’t want to go with the system anymore.”

LAURA: “So you dropped out during your masters?”

HUDSON: “No. I might have forged a degree.”

CAMERON: “It looks real official.”

NICK: It looks more official than the actual one does.

LAURA: “It is a very nice forgery.”

HUDSON: “Thank you.”

LAURA: “I thought it was real for like a whole two minutes.”

CAMERON: “And then you told us that you didn’t graduate, so we figured it out.”

LAURA: “Yes.”

HUDSON: “I see.”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Also, I noticed that the person who signed it, you signed Tink.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “You just signed it fancy enough that it took me a moment to realize it said Tink.”

HUDSON: “That was an oversight on my part.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I did that once accidentally. I forged—“

CAMERON: “You signed Tink?”

LAURA: “No, no, no. When I was like six years old I signed ‘Mom’ on a forgery for school when we had schools.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s just like dying in a corner.

NICK: The degree forgery is also from StarDestroyer1 University. Sentinel once again kind of waves to get everybody’s attention.

CAMERON: “Oh, hey Sentinel.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Again, I forgot you were here.”

CAMERON: “You really need to be more assertive and talk more.”

NICK: “Well, I just… It’s an interesting conversation and I’ve got some time to burn. Like I said, I thought we were gonna be doing this a few days from now.”

HUDSON: “Use your words.”

NICK: “I will use my words.”

LAURA: “Okay. We are going to Sesid.”

NICK: “You are going to Sesid.”

LAURA: “To meet a person.”

NICK: “To meet a ship. Interestingly, this is an Outer Rim world, but you all are so far out there that you’re actually heading towards the Core, so the trip shouldn’t take too long. Isn’t that fun?”

CAMERON: “How handy?”

NICK: “Yeah.”

HUDSON: “I saw this on a commercial I think. Was this a destination where people, like, vacation?”

NICK: “I wouldn’t worry about that too much.”

CAMERON: “That seems like a really weird answer to Tink’s question.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Wait, wait, can we go back? We are meeting a ship?”

NICK: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “A ship, not a sheep.”

LAURA: “I know! Okay! I understand! So we are going onto a ship, SHIP—“

NICK: “I know it’s hard. Don’t let them get to you.”

LAURA: “Then we are going to meet someone on this vessel.”

NICK: “Yes… Well, so this is a crew I am hiring to smuggle you onto the planet. You will identify them by the name of their ship. Go talk to them and they will give you more information. I don’t want to give you all of the details over the coms, because you know, intercepted communication and things like that. Basically, if you go to Sesid, it is a little bit of a vacation destination. That is true.”

HUDSON: “Yes!”

NICK: “There is a small Imperial garrison there, but it’s mostly around the pharmaceutical research facility that they have, so just don’t go near that and they should leave you alone. You should have no problems.”

LAURA: “Sure. Why not?”

NICK: “Yeah. So, you’re looking for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. It should be coming towards you—“

CAMERON: “I’m sorry. Repeat?!”

NICK: “Uh, Tallahassee Quagmire?”

CAMERON: (laughing) “I recognize the ship name.”

NICK: “I wouldn’t know anything about that, but the Force does work in mysterious ways. They probably won’t be there for a day or two, so all you really need to do is go land on Sesid, their main port town is called Thrinaka, I would go there. Normally that’s where everybody gets sent anyway unless the island is full. Just hang out for a couple of days. Keep an eye on the births, wait and see—And I mean births like where ships go. I saw you all looking at me like that.”

CAMERON: (giggling)

LAURA: “Oh, not the number of babies born?”

CAMERON: “I was thinking like marine wildlife? Like what are we talking here?”

NICK: “No. Keep an eye on the parking records for the ships, and when you see the Tallahassee Quagmire park just go talk to them. It should be fairly simple. This is me giving you all of the information that I can without putting you at risk. How is that? Better? You feel pretty comfortable with your mission briefing here?”

HUDSON: “So, we’re gonna get paid to go on vacation?”

NICK: “Well,, this is part of the final job where you’re collecting the paycheck, so kind of?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

LAURA: “Okay, but what kind of vacation destination is it? Is it like lots of shopping, or is it skiing? Is that a thing in Star Wars? I’m sure it is.”

NICK: “I’ll be honest. I haven’t done a ton of research on this planet. This is where the contact said they would meet you. I just send you there. It sounds nice, maybe kind of tropical, that’s about all I know.”

CAMERON: “Ooh~”

LAURA: “Tink, you said you know. What kind of vacation? I need to know what to pack.”

CAMERON: “We’re taking the whole ship, Xianna.”

LAURA: “Yes, but once we get off the ship!”

CAMERON: “Then you’ll be there.”

LAURA: “Yes, but again, I carry my things with me in case, you know, you have to bolt in the night.”

HUDSON: “I understand that you want to be prepared, so I will explain what the commercial is like. So we got this drone shot passing over everybody. For some reason there’s only like one race of people that they show in the—“

LAURA: “Humans, yes.”

HUDSON: “Just Humans, yeah, it’s a little odd that way. There’s a lot of pools. There’s this beach with this wonderful blue water, and—“

LAURA: “So it is a beach?”

CAMERON: “Let him describe the commercial.”

HUDSON: “I mean—Okay, there’s not water on the beach.”

LAURA: “I know the beach does not have the water on it. The water is next to the beach. The beach is the raised up part coming out of the ocean.”

HUDSON: “You’re a smarty-pants, but yeah. So, what we got going on here is you got nice waves crashing into the side, you got little bungalows that you can lay in and relax, and there’s this little fortress looking thing where you can get drinks out of it. There’s like a kid area, I’m too big for it, but they have this mushroom looking thing that water comes out of and then slides, so it looks really fun but there’s not an adult version of that which I think is a scam. At least it didn’t show that in the commercial. My thinking is it doesn’t have the adult version of the kids area.”

NICK: Time out. (laughter) A fortress thing full of drinks…

HUDSON: What I’m talking about is like, you know with the thatch—

LAURA: You mean a swim-up cabana bar?

HUDSON: Cabana! Yeah, cabana bar.

NICK: Okay, but there’s gonna be a literal fortress of alcohol here.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: And then a big waterpark type thing.

HUDSON: Yeah, but for kids.

CAMERON: With mushrooms, but only for kids.

LAURA: I know the ones that he’s talking about.

NICK: It’s gonna be an aquatic Felucia is what that particular thing is gonna be. It’s gonna look like Pandora. Okay, continue.

HUDSON: “Normally it’s thirteen ninety-nine Credits per day for one of the nicer suites, but for a limited time according to the commercial you can get it for ninety-nine ninety-nine

LAURA: “Wait…”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Wait…”

HUDSON: “Oh! Oh! Forgot the decimal!”

CAMERON: “Please explain where your decimal points are.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “The decimal is third to the left…? It’s 999.99, forgot a 9 there.”

CAMERON: “(laughs) Okay.”

HUDSON: “So, 999.99 is what you can pay to get your own bungalow and resort hotel room, in this amazing location…”

LAURA: “I… (exhales)”

HUDSON: “…however I believe Sentinel is paying for us to enjoy this.”

LAURA & CAMERON: “Is it all inclusive?”

HUDSON: “I mean…”

LAURA: “Is that per person or per room?”

HUDSON: “That is per room, as many people as you can fit in the room.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “This commercial was very extensive, obviously.”

LAURA: “Okay, but we don’t necessarily have to stay at that resort, do we?”

HUDSON: “If you want the time of your life, according to the commercial you do!”

LAURA: “Wait. Sentinel, you are here, correct? Yes.”

NICK: “Oh yeah. I guess I’m still here. I forgot.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “You are still on this call. So, are you paying for us to stay at this resort?”

NICK: “Um…”

LAURA: “That was what Tink said.” Heh.

NICK: “Part of your payment for the previous jobs was to help cover expenses, so…”

LAURA: “So yes.”

NICK: “Well, we already paid you.”

LAURA: “yes, but these are new expenses. Expenses work that way sometimes.”

NICK: “Have you ever had an allowance?”

LAURA: “No.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

NICK: “So, there’s like this idea that you periodically hand people who you are responsible for a set amount of money that they can then use to take care of themselves.”

CAMERON: “Mm-hmm.”

NICK: “You have gotten your allowance.”

CAMERON: (false childish voice) “It’s been a week, though. We need new allowance.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “I know how this works! I had twins.”

LAURA: “It sounds like you are describing a job.”

HUDSON: “Sentinel, it’s the deal of a lifetime!”

CAMERON: “Xianna, that is what this is.” (laughs)

LAURA: “And so, you know when there is new work you get new money.” (laughs)

NICK: If Xianna or Karma would like to roll a Negotiation check to try to get the room covered…

LAURA: Heh. For Negotiation, Karma would probably have more.

CAMERON: I have a yellow and two greens.

NICK: You can also do a team check, but I want to flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty first? While we figure it out.

NICK: Two purple and a red.

CAMERON: Alright, a Negotiation.

LAURA: (smiling) Could I just roll a Charm instead?

NICK: No, because you’re literally negotiating payments for a job.

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: I think that one’s pretty clear. Sorry.

LAURA: Okay~ I’ll roll it. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Two purple and a red. If you guys want to do a combined check and pool your stuff you more than are welcome to.

LAURA: We can do that. I’ll help.

CAMERON: What’s your Presence?

LAURA: Three, so it will be a blue die. All my stuff is about lying~

(laughter)

NICK: That makes sense.

CAMERON: And my other tree is just about killing, so… Four advantages?

NICK: Wow. For four advantages… “Here’s the deal. If I keep giving you more and more money before we achieve objectives I won’t be able to do things like pay my informants that are finding me the people for Beta Squad, or making sure that the spies are still alive on the planets you may go to. So, I am not going to be able to give you more liquid funds at this time. However, I’ve been to Sesid before…”

CAMERON: “Can we file an expense report?”

NICK: “I mean, keep track of the amount of money you spend, we could talk about it later, but I’m probably not gonna be giving you any money. I do have some contacts at the resort, if you go and find Gungan, he’s a bartender on the planet. It will be pretty easy to find him, I bet.”

HUDSON: “Makes the best mojitos?”

NICK: “Yeah, actually. This is weird that you know all this.”

LAURA: “Tink, have you been here before?”

HUDSON: “No, I just gathered a lot from the commercial.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Those are very specific commercials.”

CAMERON: “Oh. Was he one of the people they interviewed?”

HUDSON: “No, it wasn’t an interview.”

CAMERON: “Just a lot of smiling people as a guy with a nametag handed people mojitos?”

HUDSON: “Yeah!”

CAMERON: “Yeah…”

NICK: “yeah. Well, if you go and talk to him and you mention my name he may be able to get you the employee rate or comp the rooms.”

CAMERON: “Can I get a species, please?”

NICK: “Yeah. He’s actually one of the native species to Sesid. He’s a Draedan. It’s like a green scaly person with red eyes. There are quite a few Draedans, but none of them are named Gungan as far as I know.”

CAMERON: “Well, except for the one you’re sending us to find.”

NICK: “Absolutely, there aren’t multiples. He/him pronouns, if that helps. Are there any other questions? I’m really trying hard to be open and honest with you all and share any information you might need without compromising your mission, which I may have already done mentioning the next two planets you go to, but I’ll do the best I can.”

LAURA: “It’s okay! I already forgot them.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah, I didn’t write them down.”

NICK: “That’s fine. I will remind you as we move on.”

CAMERON: “I want you to remember that you said that, so when we don’t remember the next planet name you don’t judge us too harshly.”

NICK: “I’ll try not to.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

NICK: “So, if there’s nothing else… Go ahead and end the call—Bye.”

LAURA: “Okay, byeee~!”

NICK: He flickers out of existence. HK-67 says, “Commentary: You all do not have much of a professional demeanor.”

LAURA: “No, we do not.”

HUDSON: “No one asked you!”

CAMERON: “It’s hard to be professional when you bring your kids with you.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “Who are you calling a kid?”

CAMERON: (casually) “Huh?”

HUDSON: “Who are you—What kids do we got here?”

LAURA: “You!”

HUDSON: “Um… Pretty sure I’m an adult.”

LAURA: “Uh, I’m sorry, you ate 2,000 popsicles.”

CAMERON: “Tink, if we get you in on the kids rate I’m pretty sure I can get you on the slide.”

HUDSON: “What child is seven feet tall and has a vibro-axe?”

CAMERON: “Tink, how many Gigorans are out there?”

HUDSON: “I mean—“

CAMERON: “Vacationing on Sesid.”

LAURA: “We will just lie to them. We will say that—“

CAMERON: “We will say you are a child.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “Once again, it’s majority Human, so…”

LAURA: “So they won’t know.”

CAMERON: “Exactly. They’re not gonna know. They’re gonna think you’re a white Wookie and we’ll say no, he’s a Gigoran, he’s seven years old…”

LAURA: “And that is a child age.”

CAMERON: (forcefully) “…and he wants to go on the slide.”

HUDSON: “I can crouch I suppose, and I wouldn’t want to go on the slide.”

LAURA: “No, you don’t need to crouch. We will just tell them that your height is a normal height for a Gigoran child, and you don’t bring your vibro-axe, because you should not bring your axe to a swimming pool full of regular people.”

HUDSON: “Okay, so let me try this out… Goo-goo gaga.”

LAURA: “No, just speak normally.”

CAMERON: “No, not a baby, a child.”

HUDSON: “Alright… Fortnight.”

LAURA: “yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay. You got it. You’re good.”

NICK: … Great.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: So, Sentinel does ping you the coordinates of Sesid and Thrinaka, the city that you need to go to meet up so that you don’t have to space Google it, and we get a shot of the ship rotating about 45 degrees and then snapping back into hyperspace, and it’s about a day’s journey away. How do you spend your time?

CAMERON: Karma goes hunting for the thing in the carpet next to the hot tub.

NICK: We get this shot of Karma in like, cleaning up the house for-serious clothes, so rolled up sleeves and her head scarf is tied down real tight, and she has her sword poised above a bump in the carpet and is just murderously watching it to see if it moves. Do you want to roll some sort of check to try to kill whatever it is?

CAMERON: Can I roll Hunting?

LAURA: Two light side! Does that… What does that mean?

(laughter)

CAMERON: What does that mean? Is it a cute and fluffy bunny?

NICK: It is not a cute and fluffy bunny.

CAMERON: Okay. I don’t want to kill it until I know what it is.

NICK: Okay. Maybe make me a Survival check to try to track it down in the bowels of the ship?

HUDSON: It’s a flerken.

NICK: No flerkens. We’ll get sued.

CAMERON: Please~!

LAURA: Flerkens~! We’ll store stuff in him…

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: One success, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. You find it, as I frantically Google ‘rat’ on Wookipedia. Ooh, that’s cool. Want it to look like this?

CAMERON: Oh gosh, that’s terrifying. I wanted to give Tink a pet.

NICK: How big is a womp rat, like two meters long?

LAURA: Three meters.

CAMERON: Large.

NICK: That is too big. Let’s not do that.

CAMERON: It’s a really big lump under the carpet.

HUDSON: I’m a big guy.

LAURA: Or about the size of an exhaust port. Heh. There’s a loth-rat.

NICK: A kwar-rat… Is there a loth-rat? Just in the poem.

LAURA: Yeah. Just in the poem, but seeing as how we see loth-cats and loth-wolves, I would assume they didn’t just make one up. They exist.

NICK: Minced loth-rat pie was popular among the local citizens.

LAURA: Ooh!

NICK: Alright. We’ll say it’s a loth-rat. So, you stand on the dais that contains the hot tub and one of the bumps starts to move. It comes up out of the carpet, and you see a loth-rat. It looks like a rat but with a furred tail with a tuft at the end and it has big old fennec fox ears. It’s as cute as you can get while still being extremely ratty, and it is orange. It has orange fur, and it goes running out of the carpet and skittering down one of the hallways.

CAMERON: I chase it.

NICK: Okay. Are you trying to catch it?

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Alright. Make me an Athletics roll I guess, or we could do Survival again, trapping a rat.

CAMERON: I would rather do Athletics and use my Brawn.

NICK: Okay, so do that.

CAMERON: Because I’m better at Athletics.

NICK: We get a shot of Tink and Xianna sitting on a bench in the hallway talking and you just see a small furry thing run by and then Karma sprinting after it with her sword above her head.

CAMERON: Difficulty of the Athletics check?

NICK: Hard, and flip me another dark side point, would you? Upgrade this too. I like the idea of this thing living in your walls.

CAMERON: I don’t.

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: I want it to live in a cute cage in Tink’s room. Whoa, shit. (laughs)

NICK: Is that a despair?

CAMERON: Just… It’s a despair and a failure.

NICK: A despair and a failure…

CAMERON: Everything else wiped out.

NICK: Hmm…

HUDSON: It dies.

NICK: No… Okay. You chase it down the hall, it disappears into the engine room, and you see that it’s gotten up into the ventilation ducts. From the way the holes are and from what you know of the ship, this thing is gonna be super-duper hard to catch ever, because it must have gotten into the walls of the ship. The good news is, since you didn’t have any threats or anything, it’s not damaging the ship, it seems to just be eating the garbage and living its best life. But yeah, it’s somewhere in there. You were not able to catch it.

CAMERON: “Tiiink!”

HUDSON: “What?”

CAMERON: “There’s a rat in your engine.”

HUDSON: “Oh… I don’t know. That sounds like an adult job, and I thought I was a kid.”

CAMERON: “No, this is an engineering job and that’s still what it says.”

LAURA: “That is your job.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Alright, I’ll figure it out.”

CAMERON: “If we’re going with the kid thing, engineering is your chore.”

HUDSON: “Do we want to get rid of it or get it?”

CAMERON: “I don’t know. It’s pretty cute.”

HUDSON: “Because I can turn on the heaters in the ventilation.”

LAURA: “Don’t do that!”

CAMERON: “I’d rather not smell the cooking loth-rat.”

HUDSON: “Loth-rat?”

CAMERON: “Yeah! It’s cute, it’s orange, it has big old ears, and a floppy tail.”

LAURA: “Is it just like back in the wires?”

CAMERON: “It went into the wall.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “I’m not saying that there’s anything we can do right now, I’m just letting you know that somewhere in the engine is a rat.”

LAURA: “Hold on. Where did you see it go into the wall?”

CAMERON: Karma points to the hole that it went into.

NICK: Yeah. The Afternoon Delight has small air ducts, not climbable air ducts. They’re like the size of those plastic pipes you can use for drainage in your yard. You could roll a softball down it probably. There’s bits of it that are exposed as they come out into the engine room and connect to the atmospheric control and things, and there is a… it’s not even a hole so much as some of the seal that connects two of the pipes together was gone and it managed to squeeze into there. The fact that it’s able to get into a spot that small means it may not even still be in the ventilation system. It could be in the shielding or the wiring or a couch. This thing is gonna be pretty hard to track down.

LAURA: “Okay. We put out some snacks. We put them out and we wait for the loth-rat to come get the snacks.”

HUDSON: “We’ll need to have a trap, too.”

LAURA: “Well yes, but you know, it will get hungry and will come eat. Nom-nom.”

HUDSON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “yes.”

HUDSON: “That sounds good to me. I won’t do anything to roast the rat.”

CAMERON: “Something gives me the impression that it’s not actively hurting the ship, it’s just gonna be really hard to catch.”

NICK: (snickers)

HUDSON: “I guess that’s just all up to god.”

CAMERON: “Yup.”

NICK: Space god. So, we see a small little smorgasbord set out somewhere that’s clearly visible, but for the duration of the trip nothing comes out. You scared it pretty good. This will be something you’ll have to pursue at a later date. Do you do anything else on the ship during this journey?

HUDSON: Yeah, after this I kinda start to mumble, (mumbles), I’m a kid, sure, whatever, I’m just… Fine, if I’m a kid… And then I walk into my room and I sit on the bed, but I do it in this awful posture like I’m trying to not even care about how I sit, and I start to play video games.

NICK: Cool, so you’re pouting and giving into your inner hormones. Great. Laura, is Xianna doing anything during this time besides staking out for this loth-rat?

LAURA: Yeah. She alternates between setting up different snack combinations that she thinks a loth-rat would enjoy, (laughter) so various cheesy crackers or various little snack cakes, little candies, setting them out. Every so often she’ll move them around a little bit. “No-no-no, this one is not correct. Maybe if we put the little cakes first, and then the crackers, it will come out.” Also, going through the costume closets to find swimsuits.

NICK: Okay. You are able to find whatever swimsuits that you think would be appropriate, and we will get to those…

LAURA: I pack swimsuits for everyone else.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, okay.

LAURA: I pull out swimsuits and put them into little beach bags for everyone, and any accessories I find in the costume closet that I think they would also want, in coordinating bags.

NICK: Nice. So, we get all that. Around that time, as everybody settles in and relaxes for the duration of the journey, the ship snaps out of hyperspace and in the distance we see a beautiful blue ball of the planet Sesid spotted with black and green dots. We get a cool shot of that and the ship slowly looping towards it, and that’s where we’ll end the episode.

CAMERON: Ba-na~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 31:
Smooth Criminals

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First of all, we have a new iTunes review! alchimage2, thank you for taking the time to review our show and thank you for your kind words.

We also have some new Patrons this week. Elaine and Steve, thank you for your extremely generous donation, and thank you for buying me dinner this weekend. Elaine and Steve are my parents, and they’re just fantastic people. Thank you for supporting this thing that we love. With their generous donation we’ve hit our next Patreon goal. We can now actually cover the overhead for our podcast, paying for the hosting fees, transcription costs, and other expenses. We are geared up and ready for our celebratory, super niiice, pizza party. We’ll be streaming it on Twitch on Sunday the 28th at 7 PM Central Time. Stop on by and celebrate with us as we eat pizza and play games. There may even be a surprise culinary creation by our very own Laura. There will be links on the website and all of our social media. Our next goal is within reach and would unlock a lot of new content. When we reach $150 we’ll create the Hot Tub Hangout tier for Patreon, allowing for some private streams with us playing games, Q&As, a special Discord channel, and movie nights with the squad. An extremely heartfelt thank you to all of our Patreon backers. We’re honored by your support.

Additional music this week is Hard Fight by manuel senfft, and Bottoms Up by Morphamish.

Now let’s get into the episode.

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NICK: Hello, and welcome to Episode 31 of Tabletop Squadron! I’m your host and game master, Nick. We’re back again! … Good for us.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jazz. Up next—

CAMERON: Uh, it’s jizz, actually.

LAURA: Listening to some smooooth jizz.

NICK: (groans) I don’t wanna talk about the texture of the jizz. Let’s go around the table and everybody—

CAMERON: So smooth. (laughs)

NICK: Uck.

LAURA: Up next, we’re gonna take some listener calls~

NICK: (chuckles) No thanks. I don’t- We’ll just tweet at them. Tweet at us if you want to do listener calls for smooth jizz.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Go around the table, everybody say who you are, who you’re playing, starting with Hudson!

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. Up next we have our special guest today, Austin! Hello Austin.

AUSTIN: Hi! I’m Austin. I’m playing Valorissia Creed, the Human technician.

NICK: Oh boy. Up after that we have Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Everything’s gonna go great. It’s gonna be fine. Nothing’s gonna go wrong.

NICK: Sounds good, and I definitely believe that. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello listeners. I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: My first thought, I don’t know why, but I was like, hello, I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and I will be playing- (laughs)

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, the Nautolan bounty hunter, and today I will be playing the part of Nick, the GM.

NICK: Before we go to the summary, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: Two dark side.

AUSTIN: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LAURA: One dark side. Oopsies.

CAMERON: It’s okay. You didn’t fuck up as much as me~

NICK: Great. It will be fine.

AUSTIN: You have a big pool today.

CAMERON: Four light side, three dark side is our start.

NICK: Great. We’re gonna give one more try with this test pilot of everyone else giving a summary of what happened last episode. Take it away, everyone but me.

AUSTIN: We did a lot of planning.

LAURA: Yeah. There’s a lot of planning, a lot of notes.

CAMERON: Things that we know about that are security things we shall have to overcome during this heist: two victory class star destroyers, the Hammer and Sickle, which we have bypassed already; the atmo in the hallways is only there when the people are in them; and you can’t communicate with anyone outside of the facility from inside the facility. The path to the vault is as follows: cage, eye scanner, cameras watching, elevator, pressure-sensitive hallway, combo lock on vault. There is a piece of technology of indeterminate size located in the vault that Val wants, and we shall retrieve.

LAURA: And we ran into Mills.

CAMERON: Oh yeah! We found Mills!

LAURA: And he is unconscious in our little hidey hole, and Val was able to get into the computer room and get Tink into the computer room. It went great.

AUSTIN: No problem.

LAURA: No problems at all.

NICK: Mechanical hacking.

LAURA: And now Tink can do all the fun hacking.

NICK: Great. We’ll pick it up there. We’ll start with Tink. The rest of the crew is situated with Mills ready for the go-ahead, and Tink is in the security room, just attempted to crack his knuckles, and…

CAMERON: Hurt himself. (laughs)

NICK: …hurt himself a little bit, and what are you doing?

HUDSON: I look up at the screen. “This is a Unix system. I know this.”

(laughter)

NICK: Gah. What are you doing? What are you trying to bypass? What are you trying to do for the crew?

HUDSON: So, the first thing I try to do is make sure the cameras are disabled.

NICK: Okay. You’re disabling all the cameras in the whole place.

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okie-dokie. That will be a slicing check. Are you just plugging into one of the terminals nearby? Are you trying to find the main node? Are you going in through the wiring? How are you going in?

HUDSON: Oh. I try to login through the main computer.

NICK: Okay. The bigger computer. You press some light up buttons, because it’s Star Wars.

HUDSON: I’m using my thing, my outlaw tech data breaker.

NICK: You’re gonna have two black dice because the way the security system is setup it specifically looks for an outlaw tech data breaker.

HUDSON: I get to remove one black die per rank of Bypass Security from checks made to disable a security device or open a locked door.

NICK: Well there you go.

AUSTIN: How convenient.

HUDSON: So that’s one black die.

NICK: Yeah. This is gonna be hard, so three purple.

LAURA: Oh, well fuck you. (laughs)

HUDSON: Oh god. I have one advantage.

NICK: So, the system is really kicking your ass here.

HUDSON: However, I can reroll that Computers check.

NICK: Do you want to spend that now?

AUSTIN: Is that a once per session?

HUDSON: Yeah, it’s once per session, because I have the skill Natural Programmer.

CAMERON: And the advantage is they don’t notice.

NICK: Do you have to flip destiny points or anything to do that, or just once per session?

HUDSON: Nope, just once per session.

NICK: That is, uh, incredibly handy.

LAURA: I have a similar thing. I have Natural Rogue, so I can do the same thing with Skulduggery or Stealth.

NICK: I have Natural GM.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: I can reroll a GM check once per day.

CAMERON: So sometimes he just doesn’t have to roll and can just say what happens. (smiling)

HUDSON: I got five successes.

NICK: Yeah. All the cameras are off, and you do it in such a way that nobody is suspicious of the fact the cameras are off.

LAURA: Well, he could loop them or something.

NICK: Yeah, but even the loop tells them nothing. Security cameras are scratched off the list. They are no longer a concern, and you are very into the system.

HUDSON: I go, “get wrecked.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “I’m assuming that means the cameras are off?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. Val, you and I go to the cage now. Karma and Hank, you shoot people. Yes.”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: That’s an obvious statement.”

LAURA: “Yes, I know, I’m just making sure… Okay. You had some sort of override. I don’t know.”

AUSTIN: “We don’t need to shoot anyone yet. We still haven’t been compromised.”

LAURA: “Yeah. We haven’t been caught.”

AUSTIN: “We did such a good job at taking down those cameras, and you know, we got this dude over here that hit the ceiling.”

NICK: “Hopeful Statement: He looks like a threat. Would you like me to put him down?” And his gun, the barrels start to spin, (ascending whoosh).

CAMERON: “Not yet. Let’s keep the loud blaster fire to a minimum as to not attract. You can shoot people later.”

NICK: (descending whoosh)

HUDSON: I go back and meet Karma.

LAURA: “Tink, can you see what the cameras see? Can you still see what they’re seeing even though it’s not in the system anymore?”

HUDSON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Okay. What we are going to do is I’m going to go to the cage, Val is going to go put more explosives in places, and then once I get through the cage we meet back up. Okay? You need to tell us if there are going to be people, okay? You understand?”

HUDSON: “Okay. Yes, I’m on the lookout.”

LAURA: And then Xianna starts going to where the cage is.

NICK: You’re staying in the security room then?

HUDSON: Yeah. I’m actually on the lookout now.

CAMERON: Karma flips her blaster to kill.

NICK: Ooh.

CAMERON: Because we’re in an Imperial base, so fuck ‘em.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: There was an orchestral swell as you did.

CAMERON: And it did a close-up on it, and she goes (click-swish).

NICK: Cool. Alright, you’re heading straight for the vault then?

LAURA: Yeah, because we have to get through a cage to get into the thing.

NICK: Yup.

LAURA: Xianna was gonna start working on that while Val places a few more explosives in the building.

NICK: We’ll just assume, as you’re going through here, because there’s some more stuff here probably, you’re just slapping them on the walls, putting them under trash cans, just wherever.

AUSTIN: Yeah. Am I using a remote detonator or am I trailing my det-tape behind me as we go? (laughs)

NICK: I was assuming a remote detonator, but if you want to run det-tape to everything that’s an option.

CAMERON: I would say we probably sent HK with Xianna, since she’s a secondary user, so that she has fire support and Karma goes with Val, so if they encounter anyone who needs to get shot on the way to their destinations… we split up and go down the different hallways.

NICK: Okay. You’re snaking in and out, meeting around, and just kind of wreaking havoc as you go.

AUSTIN: Armed escorts.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And Tink is overseeing the whole thing from the security room.

HUDSON: Yup.

NICK: You got enough successes on that, you’re in the system, you can do shit. You may find some deeper levels of security, you’ll have to hack again, but you can see a lot of what’s going on. So, you’re continuing down these hallways. You come to… Laura, I have a question for you.

LAURA: Yes?

NICK: What is the craziest security feature that Xianna has ever broken through?

LAURA: Ooh. Um… I mean, just thinking of things that they always have on these heist shows, there’s motion sensors and pressure sensors and heat detectors, all other sorts of detectors, and crazy laser grids. I mean, the weirdest security systems are always like those vibration sensors so if you move around it senses it.

NICK: We could go with that. As you’re heading down these hallways you notice that the cameras just stop, there’s a section that does not have them, and that’s suspicious. You see—Well, roll me a Skulduggery check, I guess.

LAURA: Can do!

AUSTIN: Where did we leave Mills?

NICK: I don’t know. Where did you leave Mills?

AUSTIN: Are we dragging him? Is he like over HK’s shoulder?

LAURA: I thought we brought him to the vent.

CAMERON: Nah, he’s back in that hallway handcuffed and unconscious. We probably handcuffed him to a pipe or something, removed his radio, things like that so that he can’t make contact.

AUSTIN: As a trained bounty hunter.

CAMERON: Duct taped his mouth shut.

AUSTIN: Yeah.

LAURA: What would be the—

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: –the hard? Okay. Do I get any sort of boost dice because I looked at plans?

NICK: Not on this one. There’s a lot of stuff not on the plans.

AUSTIN: Weird.

NICK: Turns out, they either had crappy contractors or were very secure, one or the other.

AUSTIN: It could also be that because Kuat is a company, so the company built it, and then the Imperials came in and said nah, you kind of need all of these things.

LAURA: I rolled a triumph with its success cancelled out, three failures, and four advantages.

NICK: Okay. (laughs) So, huh…

LAURA: Yeah…

NICK: So, you fail to see these tremor sensors, but you have a triumph and a bunch of advantages.

CAMERON: It was a good Cam roll.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: Can it be that it does set off an alarm, but Tink is like immediately able to cancel it so it only goes off for half a little claxon, so maybe someone might be alerted but most people are just like oh, okay, never mind.

NICK: Yeah, so we’ll cut over to Tink in the security room. What are you doing, just watching them?

HUDSON: Yeah. I found some Twinkies.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: (laughs)

AUSTIN: But not in that hallway, because he’s about to run out of cameras.

CAMERON: Tink has Twinkies!

HUDSON: It’s a server room, they’re gonna have snacks.

NICK: There’s all these camera displays and you saw the group walk off of the displays and there weren’t anymore, they just like vanished off the screens, but then you notice a screen that’s stuck in-set in a panel that has a wire diagram of a hallway, and you start to see dots appear on it, and the alarm goes (“WOMP”), and you go ‘oh, this is a tremor sensor,’ and you have a chance to try and hack it to turn it off. It’s gonna be a hard slicing check.

LAURA: Can I use my many advantages to give him blue dice?

NICK: Yep.

HUDSON: How many?

NICK: How many did you have, four?

LAURA: Yeah, I had like four advantages or something.

NICK: So that’s two blue dice, but you do still have two black dice, but one removed, so one black die for just the internal security here.

HUDSON: Plus two blue dice.

LAURA: And then for using your computer thing.

NICK: Yeah. You’re probably gonna be fine. It’s like someone’s good at hacking.

CAMERON: Weird!

AUSTIN: (smiling) And has an outlaw tech data breaker.

CAMERON: Look at us.

HUDSON: This might be the most dice I’ve ever rolled.

NICK & LAURA: That’s a lot.

NICK: May the Star Wars gods save me from competent characters.

LAURA: Oh, fuck…

HUDSON: I have two triumphs with the successes cancelled out and a threat.

CAMERON: Oh no.

LAURA: Yep.

NICK: Huh!

CAMERON: (giggles nervously)

LAURA: Great.

AUSTIN: Boy.

HUDSON: Now, when making a Computers check I can spend a triumph to make further Computers checks within the system as maneuvers.

NICK: Okay. yeah, you can spend one of those triumphs to…

AUSTIN: Does that apply outside of combat?

NICK: It doesn’t say, so what we’ll say is technically you can use that to try to save this. The thing cycles up and gets through a full (power noise), and you’re like ‘oh no-no-no’ and you’re able to try again. That other triumph, be thinking about what you want to use that on.

HUDSON: So I just reroll this entire thing that I just had?

NICK: You’re missing two of those blue dice because you already spent those, but besides that, yes.

AUSTIN: I look at Karma and start looking excited.

CAMERON: (laughs) Our hallway, we’re like ‘oh fuck, they did something.’

HUDSON: I got a wash.

(laughter)

NICK: And we’re live, ladies and gentlemen!

HUDSON: What do I do with my triumph though?

CAMERON: Weren’t you just saying that we were good at things?

NICK: He is good at things!

AUSTIN: Turns out Nick made his prayer to the Star Wars gods, and he said we’re done sneaking.

HUDSON: So what I wanted to do with that was send out a coms, but like text coms or pager, of an alarm malfunction.

CAMERON: (laughs) Send out an email to all personnel.

HUDSON: To all personnel!

LAURA: Alarm malfunction, ignore.

CAMERON: Please ignore that. Whoops, my bad.

HUDSON: Please ignore.

AUSTIN: We’re doing a security test today. (laughs)

NICK: Okay…

HUDSON: Because that will still trigger something, like some people will come after me, but maybe not—

NICK: Oh, they absolutely will. So, here’s what happens. This is great.

CAMERON: (laughing) They’re not gonna come after you, they’ll come after that hallway.

NICK: You have activated Nick’s Security Measure #1. We’re gonna get a quick montage. That happens, you can’t cut power to it, it’s starting to go, and you put in a ticket for security malfunction. ‘I can’t turn this off. I don’t know what’s going on.’ So a bunch of IT people are annoyed. Some of them are headed to see you right now, because you had to put in a ticket to try to cover your tracks. We get a shot of a squad of stormtroopers that are hanging out in a barracks and that thing I said earlier, one of them stands up and says “And we’re live!” and then he gets a scroll on his com. “Oh, false alarm. It’s just a security malfunction.” They all (groan sadly) and sit back down.

The shot cuts to a couple of people in technician uniforms that are like “and we’re live! There’s an error! Let’s go, let’s go!” It’s two people dramatically running, and it zooms out to a map of the facility and they’re on the far side, so it’s gonna take them a while and they have to wait for the airlocks to cycle and for air to pump in, and then they run, so it’s gonna be a minute. You probably have 15 minutes for them to get to you from where they’re at.

HUDSON: I run and jam the door with my vibro-axe.

NICK: Oh, okay. The other thing that happened from you failing two hacking checks in a row is it cuts to a different barracks. Whereas the stormtrooper barracks had beds that were unmade and three of the stormtroopers were playing poker and stuff, this one just has one red light to preserve dark vision and two benches, and sitting in those benches in unison are stormtroopers in mat black armor that look very similar to the very first episode we did that were chasing you. The red light starts to silently flash and the one closest to the door stands up, looks at the red light, and through the speaker says, “and we’re live,” and does a roundabout gesture and signs, and they stand up all in unison and go out the doors. There are some intense stormtroopers starting to pursue this facility.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Yeah. You said you wanted to hack to mess with the airlocks for the technicians coming to see you?

HUDSON: Yes, I would like to do that, so another Computers check. What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard. Tink’s on the struggle bus today.

HUDSON: I have a success and two advantages.

NICK: Okay. It’s enough to slow them down. Whereas before they were going to get there about the time the rest of the crew got to the safe. Now it’s probably gonna be on their way out. You may have to deal with passing them in a hallway, but the timer will take longer. You set it up so that the airlock cycles are just as long as possible without arousing suspicion. (laughs) You see, because you can follow on the cameras, they get in the airlock and the technicians pull out their coms and start doodling with stuff, and you’re like oh these guys aren’t counting what the cycle is, so you set it that each one takes longer. (laughter) So yeah, you still got some time, and your door is barred so if anybody tries to get in you’re gonna hear this door mechanically malfunction, although having to get out will be interesting. I guess if you pull the axe out you’ll probably be okay.

So, we cut back to the rest of the crew. HK, Val, Karma and Xianna are all in this hallway and the claxon is (going off).

CAMERON: I thought Karma and Val were in a different hallway.

NICK: Well, you met up in the…

LAURA: Yeah.

AUSTIN: We met back up.

CAMERON: Oh okay.

AUSTIN: We just kept walking quickly while the alarms are going off.

LAURA: “Okay. We are going to book it to the cage. Let’s go, let’s go.”

NICK: Okay. You are running basically. You go past a bunch of doors and stuff. There are some scenes of you leaning up against a wall, and people walking by talking about this technical malfunction, there’s parts of laser grids and stuff that you just quickly step over, no problem, you know where they are. You get to the quote unquote ‘cage’ and it is a chromed out, durasteel box that goes around the elevator shaft which is not touching the ceiling, it’s just sticking out of the floor, you can see the elevator shaft. There is a gate on it with no discernable locking mechanism. Ooh~

CAMERON: Ooh~

LAURA: Okay. Can we do—I was about to say Investigation. It’s not Investigation.

CAMERON: Perception?

LAURA: I guess for me either a Skulduggery of looking to find a lock or a Perception?

AUSTIN: I start fingering the red cylinders on my belt.

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: The blaster ones are black. I have two red ones.

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: So would it be a Skulduggery to try to break it?

NICK: Skulduggery would be trying to identify how this gate works.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: At this point while Xianna walks over to look at it—Do you touch it? He asked in his best GM voice.

LAURA: I don’t know if I would touch it. I would be mostly looking.

NICK: Okay. While she goes over to investigate, HK says, “Suggestion: We should setup firing positions here.”

AUSTIN: Can I do a Mechanics check to also look for a different set of problems?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: HK and I start shifting crates around and shit.

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty on this one? Hard?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: That was two successes and one advantage.

AUSTIN: A triumph and its success.

NICK: Okay. Between the two of you Xianna is able to figure out what this is and how it works, Val gets an idea for how to get through it. This is an electrified security cage by Kuat Drives. They sell this as a side thing. It is deadly, high power voltage which is not great, and the locks aren’t controlled from here, it’s remotely from another place, not the security system, it’s like a literal buzz-through button that’s down the hall. The only way to do it is have an appointment of ‘we’re gonna buzz this thing open,’ or have a friend go press it to let you through. The way that Val figures out how to get through this is, if there’s a way to insulate the door and apply a bunch of pressure just going up, they cut costs on the hinges and you may be able to bust this thing open.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: At this point HK is behind a cluster of crates with the gun set on it, and as the barrels spin, he’s just been keeping them spinning on and off pretty regularly to keep it spun up, and it rattles on the box. His face doesn’t move but he looks pretty excited. Karma pushes over some potted plants and some more crates and sets up her own cover. You haven’t seen anybody down this hallway in a while. This is high clearance.

AUSTIN: I just realized I have my hydrospanner still in my pocket. I have another advantage I can add to all of my Mechanics.

NICK: Oh. Nice.

LAURA: Xianna looks at Val. “You know how to get this open?”

AUSTIN: “Yup.”

LAURA: “Can you do it yourself?”

AUSTIN: “We’ll see.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay. Good. I will be right here. Go ahead and you do that.” Xianna’s going through her pockets, and…

AUSTIN: I start ripping up floor panels looking for the way to turn the power off to this thing.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: Xianna takes out a small box, and opens up the box…

AUSTIN: I could ask Tink, but I don’t even think to, because he might have access to it but it’s not a thing I was thinking about.

CAMERON: Karma drags over her last potted plant with a small tree in it. “Tink, do you want to start working on the eye scanner?”

LAURA: There’s a small baggie in the box.

HUDSON: “Sure thing!” I start working on the eye scanner.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Let’s let Laura take her drugs.

LAURA: No, it’s fine. It’s like smash cut scenes, like they do in these things. They’re just cutting to different things, and then she has her baggie, and she snorts her impact.

NICK: “Supplication: Can I have that floor panel, please?”

AUSTIN: I give him the floor panel and I reach around the corner and I grab a small orange cone and I put it in front of the thing while I’m waist deep in this panel looking.

(laughter)

NICK: HK sets the floor panel in front of the crates and says, “This will help from heavy laser fire.” With your triumph you’re able to shut down the electricity pretty easily, so there’s no problem there, so it’s just applying the proper leverage.

AUSTIN: I just go try to lift it.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Brawn check, I guess?

AUSTIN: Brawn? Is the skill by itself just greens?

NICK: Uh, Athletics would be lifting heavy shit, if you have Athletics.

AUSTIN: Nope. I’m sure it will be fine.

NICK: This is average difficulty, because you know what you’re doing.

AUSTIN: Two threats.

NICK: You take 2 strain.

AUSTIN: Ow.

NICK: Yeah, trying to lift this, and it doesn’t go. Maybe if you ask someone for help or use a lever of some kind.

CAMERON: “You need help?”

AUSTIN: “Hey Karma, can you get over here and help me lift this thing? It’s a little bit heavier than I was hoping.”

CAMERON: “Yeah sure.” Karma swivels her blaster around her back and walks over and assists.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to pop the gate. It comes right off.

CAMERON: I am very athletic. (laughs)

AUSTIN: Perfect. Yeah.

NICK: Well, and there’s two of you. I think Val lets go and Karma’s just holding it.

CAMERON: “Do y’all wanna go in?”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay, we go in. Okay bye!”

CAMERON: I set it back down, walk back over, swing my gun back around.

NICK: At this point several things happen all at once. Tink starts hacking to deal with the eye scanner on the elevator because you need that to get in, and you hear simultaneous clomping of feet and they are so in unison it’s hard to tell how many there are. Then you hear…

LAURA: “Oh no…”

NICK: “Security has been breached. Activate the alarm now.”

LAURA: “Val! Explosions!” Heh.

NICK: And a bunch of really scary, mat black stormtroopers come around this corner. Tink, you’ll notice they were not on the screens.

HUDSON: Huh.

NICK: They weren’t on the cameras.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: To hack the eyeball scanner?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Hard.

HUDSON: What’s the black die for again?

NICK: Because this thing has protocol specifically to keep you from using an outlaw tech data breaker on it, because they know that’s the toy people use. If you get a triumph you can spend it to get past that so it stops bothering you.

HUDSON: I have one success and four advantages.

NICK: One success and four advantages! Yeah, so you’re able to pop the eye screener. You basically just… There’s a folder, and in the folder is past logins, and you just drag the login from the past logins into the current login and it opens. They didn’t really think that one through all the way. They didn’t assume you would be this far into their system. There’s like the whole web, and you’ve just been like well here’s the application that handles this, let me play with that, and we’ll back out, and here’s the… You’re just in. You’re just making stuff happen. The elevator slides open, you’re able to get in. Val, do you detonate the explosives in the hallways?

AUSTIN: I reach into my pocket and pull out a canister.

NICK: Okay?

AUSTIN: It is a fuel air bomb.

NICK: (laughing) Oh god!

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: “No, Val! Set off the other explosions. I think those were stormtroopers!”

AUSTIN: “We still gotta get out that way!”

LAURA: “No. We didn’t put explosions in that hallway.”

AUSTIN: I chuck the bomb down the hallway.

(laughter)

NICK: This one explodes big enough you probably want everyone to go down the elevator with you.

AUSTIN: Yes.

NICK: Okay. Do you have the stats for this thing?

AUSTIN: Yeah. It’s Mechanics skill, the damage is 9 + 10, it’s medium range, and it’s Concussive 1 and Knockdown.

NICK: Yeah. Go ahead and roll me that Mechanics check for the bomb.

AUSTIN: “You might want to get in now. This is gonna be a bit of a boom.”

NICK: HK looks up and we get the shot from his shoulders of his head tracking it very specifically as it goes sailing into the hallway. “Frantic: We do not want to be on this floor when that goes off.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma lifts the cage back up by herself. “Alright HK, get in there.”

NICK: You haven’t seen him move unsurely yet, and he’s like scrambling over his hands trying to get in the elevator. The stormtroopers kneel down and take up positions along the wall, and you hear their commander say, “Firing pattern beta, now!”

AUSTIN: What’s the difficulty? I’m just chucking it down the hallway with a fuse on it.

NICK: It’s medium range, so two.

CAMERON: You said it’s a Mechanics check?

AUSTIN: Yeah.

NICK: He does Mechanics explosives.

CAMERON: You get your blue die for your hydrospanner?

AUSTIN: I get an advantage, I think. It specifically had the advantage symbol, so I just get an added advantage.

NICK: I mean, you don’t get to use your hydrospanner throwing a bomb.

HUDSON: Can I donate my four advantages?

NICK: For throwing a bomb?! You can use your advantages to shut a door in the hallway so the explosion’s gonna hit them harder if you want.

CAMERON: Yeah!

HUDSON: Yeah, let’s do that.

AUSTIN: Yeah, let’s shut the door behind them.

NICK: So Tink sees the cylinder flying and is like, oh, and just starts shutting doors to try to shape the explosion at them.

AUSTIN: Three successes.

NICK: Yeah… You said it was 9 + 10 damage?

AUSTIN: Nine + 10. I don’t know what the difference…

CAMERON: Plus 3.

NICK: Either way, they’re in an enclosed space and you threw a fuel air bomb. So, what we see, because this is a PG-13 Star Wars movie, is they get in the elevator, Tink goes, oh, and starts shutting and opening doors and vents to force all the explosion into a smaller space. The stormtrooper leader says “Blast cover, blast cover,” and then we see the elevator start to sink as the doors are closing and just a huge gout of flame goes into the top of the elevator over everyone’s head, and the elevator starts to go down. That’s all we see. All of the cameras in that hallway, which you couldn’t see the stormtroopers on but you saw the bomb, Tink, all of the cameras are out. This is a black zone. Before they were off, now they are gone.

LAURA: Also, when we put the bombs in the other hallways, the ones Val set, they were not in the hallway from the elevator to our little safe section.

AUSTIN: On the side ones?

NICK: Yeah, they were like side hallways. That’s fine.

LAURA: They were other areas, so those wouldn’t have blown up our hallway. Our hallway is now blown up though, but…

AUSTIN: “Yeah, sorry Xianna. I just- The other ones were gonna cause structural harm, and a fuel air bomb really just blows the air up and all the things that breathe the air, so this way we still have a hole to get back out of.”

LAURA: “Yeah, okay, but so the other bombs were not going to blow this area up, so… we could have, you know.”

NICK: (starts humming peaceful elevator music)

AUSTIN: “Yeah, but I don’t wanna collapse it while we’re still here.”

LAURA: “No, they would have collapsed those hallways and killed those stormtroopers and not the hallway we were in. We would have been fine.”

AUSTIN: “We’ll blow it up on the way out.”

LAURA: “Okay. On the way out.” … (joins in the humming)

AUSTIN: “This is a really long elevator!”

(humming stops)

NICK, LAURA & CAMERON: It’s down 40 floors! (laughing)

LAURA: “Forty floors is a lot.”

AUSTIN: (laughing) I look up at the floor count and we’re on like 11.

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

CAMERON: “Okay. Everybody get to the sides. HK, you setup on that side of the door, I’ll setup on this side of the door. Y’all get behind us.”

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: “Acknowledgement: Okay.” (gun powers up)

CAMERON: “Feel free to shoot anybody you see, HK.”

NICK: “I’m smiling.”

LAURA: “Tink! Tink! Make sure the walkway we are going down to is pressurized, atmosphere, you know.”

HUDSON: “Not pressurized?! It’s hard to hear you.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “No. Tink, you need to make sure we can go into the hallway.”

HUDSON: “Oh!”

AUSTIN: If the rock itself blocks signals, as we get lower do we–

CAMERON: (laughs nervously)

NICK: Flip me a dark side point, would you?

AUSTIN: (laughs nervously) Weird!

LAURA: I mean, Tink was already told all of this.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: Tink should know, but…

NICK: (musically) Dramatic tension.

AUSTIN: Now all he can do is look in the cameras if there are any down there.

HUDSON: So I’m looking, and yes, I set it up.

AUSTIN: You can probably see sensors and stuff anyway.

NICK: You’ve been adding atmo before, and then weirdly they were mostly going through hallways with people close enough that the stuff was aired, which is why you haven’t run into that stuff so far. What you do see in the hallway is two very large battle droids on either side of the vault door. They look like the super battle droids, but their legs are like big old tank treads and they have arms with tri-barreled heavy blasters on them and shoulder mounted rocket launchers, and they’re just staring at the elevator like they’re part of a newly added security system or something. You can’t contact them through coms, but you see that this is coming. So… yep. (hums elevator music)

HUDSON: “Uh… Um. Oh my. Oh my. Uh… Ooh… Eh… I’m gonna just trust that they can take a handle on that one. They got this.”

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘I have faith in my team!’

NICK: Tink finds a very interesting quadruple-encrypted file on the computer and you just start fiddling with that. You’re like ‘they got this! What is this? Why is it so hidden?’ You’ll get into it if you spend time on it, but that’s why you’re letting them do this.

LAURA: So, we were standing in the elevator in a specific order is what I heard? Yes?

CAMERON: yes.

AUSTIN: We’re flat against the wall.

CAMERON: Xianna and Val are behind Karma and HK to where the elevator doors open in the middle, there’s always the small space on either side, so both Karma and HK are setup on those on each side with their guns ready, and then mostly blocking Val and Xianna, and we’re ready.

LAURA: Cool.

NICK: And the doors go (PING) and slide open, and basically the lobby music from The Matrix starts. Good luck, Nick, finding a royalty-free version of it that’s close enough. So the droids both are already pointed at the door and you just hear a robot voice say “Contact!” and then they start getting ready to unload.

HK says, “Gleefully: Contact!” And we’re gonna roll initiative~ Hudson, if you want to roll initiative for Tink too, you can use a round to do stuff to affect the room if you would like.

HUDSON: Okay.

LAURA: Is it Cool or–?

NICK: This one’s definitely Vigilance.

AUSTIN: They know we’re here.

NICK: You all can have a blue die for it, because you were prepped in case there was somebody in the hallway.

LAURA: Oh boy!

AUSTIN: One success and five advantages.

NICK: Wow.

HUDSON: One success and two advantages.

LAURA: I got a triumph with a success, another success, and an advantage.

CAMERON: I got three advantages, yeah, and I roll yellows. They just didn’t, guys.

NICK: Can you roll me two greens and a yellow for HK, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages.

NICK: And then can you roll me two yellows twice?

CAMERON: One success, three advantages. Two successes, one advantage.

NICK: Okay. The order for initiative on this is going to be a PC, an NPC, two PCs, an NPC, and then two PCs. That being said, there were nine advantages and a triumph on this that you can spend to add things to this scene to be advantageous.

AUSTIN: How many bad guys are there?

NICK: Two.

AUSTIN: Okay. Just the big tank things?

NICK: Yes. They’re very strong. So, if you want to add stuff to this room now would be a good time.

LAURA: How far apart are they already?

NICK: They are the width of a double door apart, so roughly two meters apart. Also they have four advantages, but don’t worry about it.

LAURA: It’s okay. I had a triumph. Can we use one of the advantages to get through the coms just a little bit and tell Tink to manually half way close the elevator doors, so we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: No, but you can spend two advantages just for the doors to get stuck half way.

CAMERON: Yeah~

LAURA: Like we have a jam button?

NICK: Like they start shooting and the doors short out.

CAMERON: The doors start to close and they hit the control panel which means that the doors stop moving, because that’s how Star Wars works.

LAURA: So we have a little bit more cover?

NICK: Yep. That works.

AUSTIN: Can I look at the floor and see that one of the pressure plates has an outlaw tech logo in the corner, and it’s actually one of the spring plates from the station?

NICK: (laughs) yeah. Sure.

CAMERON: Heheheh.

NICK: There’s a spring plate in the floor.

HUDSON: What defensive measures are in the room that I can use?

NICK: I’ll just say that you know, because you can’t talk to them. There is an arc electricity turret thing in the roof of the elevator that they’re currently using for cover. It probably would go off and shock the crap out of them pretty soon. There’s also one above the door above the droids.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Those are the main things. There’s also all those pressure plates. Apparently one is the opposite of a pressure plate and is a spring plate.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

CAMERON: Boing!

NICK: But those set off a bunch of things. We’ll also just go with it. Also the air vents are all rigged with poisonous gas canisters that can fill the room at any time. Luckily that’s activated from where you’re sitting.

HUDSON: Got it. So we haven’t used the triumph yet?

NICK: Nope.

LAURA: Do we want to do something like one of the droid’s motion sensors, or whatever they use to ‘see,’ air quotes, is malfunctioning so its aim is slightly off?

NICK: Cool. It will have two black dice all the time forever. Help me remember that. You notice one of its eyes is just dangling on circuits and the other one keeps blinking. It can’t see real good.

AUSTIN: Does it look suspicious, like it has a ping-pong ball instead of an eye?

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (smiling) Yeah. Someone put a googly eye over the broken visual sensor.

CAMERON: And drew on a smiley face.

NICK: Yeah. Someone in IT likes to have fun.

AUSTIN: So we got a smiley droid and a serious droid.

NICK: Yeah. We get a quick cut to those two technicians coming to check on Tink in the office, because he put in the ticket, and they’ve been in the same airlock for like four minutes and they’re just playing rock, paper, scissors not paying attention. Cool, so that’s the setup. First up is a PC slot. Who would like to go first?

LAURA: Xianna has a grenade. (laughs)

CAMERON: I feel like HK or Karma would shoot first though, because we had y’all behind cover, so in the time that the doors open and we judged the scenario HK would start laying down cover fire or something before you analyzed the situation.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: Remember that Xianna is all jacked up on Mountain Dew, AKA impact. She would be jumpy.

AUSTIN: Grenade time! (laughs)

LAURA: So we could have HK shoot first since HK is programmed to do that.

CAMERON: Yeah, because HK is gonna have the best reaction time out of any of us, because he is droid.

NICK: “Expletive: Fuck yeah I am.”

CAMERON: Yeah!

NICK: Okay. We’ll let HK go first. It’s medium range. Let’s look up the stats I gave him for this gun… His ranged heavy is going to be, ooh, two yellows and two greens.

AUSTIN: Turns out a murder droid is good at murdering.

NICK: Yeah, no shit.

CAMERON: Weird.

NICK: He’s gonna aim too, so give him a blue die. That will be the pool.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Okay. How many advantages?

CAMERON: Three.

NICK: Heehee, he gets to go again. His gun shoots automatic, so he can spend advantages to hit them multiple times. What he’s doing, he basically has a mini-gun thing, so he can spend advantages that multiple bullets hit, because he shoots very fast.

HUDSON: Got it.

NICK: Yep. Cool. He is going to do… that’s 24 damage.

CAMERON: (snickers)

NICK: I’ll say he shoots the one that does see well, because he doesn’t like him.

AUSTIN: His analysis is that this is more dangerous.

NICK: He peppers through the droid. It does have a lot of soak, and he only has Pierce 1. He almost kills it.

CAMERON: Alright. Another additional tidbit about auto-fire, before you roll the check you can say that you’re targeting more than one person.

NICK: Okay. That’s useful. He wasn’t.

CAMERON: So, you can allocate hits to different targets, so you can do like a full pass.

NICK: Suppressing fire, potentially.

CAMERON: If it’s two separate targets the GM chooses which target is the initial target.

NICK: Right. … Wait, that’s me.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Eh.

CAMERON: There you go. You get to decide. (laughs)

NICK: Cool. This one on the left, the one that isn’t malfunctioning and stuff, is particularly bulky. It has extra armor plating and stuff. HK says, “Gleefully: Suppressing fire!” It just peppers it with bullets. The thing is sparking and smoking but not quite down. It is very, very, very hurt though. That’s that one. Now it’s an NPC slot. We’re gonna go with the one that just got shot. It’s gonna shoot its concussive missile on its shoulder into the elevator.

AUSTIN: (coughs) Ooh boy.

NICK: (smiling) That’s what it’s gonna do.

LAURA: Say if I have Dodge, which is when targeted in combat I may perform a dodge incidental, how does that work when it’s targeting a whole group?

CAMERON: I have the same question. (laughs)

NICK: I would say as the missile is flying you can take your dodge to step out of the elevator, which would give you cover.

CAMERON: Okay.

LAURA: Well, the dodge is to upgrade the difficulty of their attack by that number.

NICK: What we’ll do, because this is a blast thing, I’ll let you use it to just step out of the blast range. It’s just gonna hit HK and Val I guess.

LAURA: Okay.

NICK: It’s gonna be four greens, average difficulty.

AUSTIN: If the attack misses does it hit the people that just jumped out of the elevator?

NICK: Maybe. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

LAURA: Also I do have a Melee Defense, not that it affects anyone else. Heh.

CAMERON: It wouldn’t do anything for a concussion missile either, would it?

AUSTIN: You try to catch the missile!

LAURA: It adds a black die to all ranged and melee attacks against me.

NICK: Alright, well he’s shooting at the elevator.

LAURA: yeah, it wouldn’t.

AUSTIN: Oh boy.

CAMERON: It hits the elevator.

NICK: Uh-oh.

CAMERON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: Two threats, you say?

CAMERON: I do say two threats, yes.

NICK: Well, the good news is it doesn’t set you on fire, but it does do 7 damage.

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: Hey, HK’s not real happy about that.

AUSTIN: Val takes 1 damage, because she has a soak of 6.

NICK: It’s not a big missile, it’s like a micro missile, it’s not like a ship missile. It hits the back and it does mostly just a blast of force and it throws you into the wall. HK takes a hit and is sparking a little on his back, but he’s otherwise fine. That was its turn.

AUSTIN: “I bruised my knee.”

NICK: (laughs) HK says, “Statement: It must be so inconvenient to be organic,” and starts to step into the hallway. Next we have a PC slot.

CAMERON: Xianna can throw the grenade, if you want to try to take out the first one.

LAURA: Yeah. I’ll toss the grenade. What distance are they?

NICK: Medium range. What’s the range on a grenade?

LAURA: Short.

NICK: So you will have to close with it and then you can throw it, so just use your maneuver to run forward. You wouldn’t have been able to do it from the elevator anyway.

LAURA: I guess I wouldn’t have. Yeah. It would have come up short.

NICK: Hey, what do you know. Rules and junk. I forget we’re playing a game.

CAMERON: Look at those, mechanics!

AUSTIN: No, I’m mechanics. (laughs)

CAMERON: (wry laugh)

LAURA: (nervously) Four advantages?

NICK: Oh no. (chuckles) Are you gonna activate blast while missing?

LAURA: I think you can. If the attack misses I can spend three advantages for the original target and every target engaged with the original target—

NICK: Which they are.

LAURA: –suffers damage equal to the blast rating of the weapon.

AUSTIN: Two meters is engaged?

NICK: Ish, within melee range. Close enough.

CAMERON: If the grenade hit in the middle of them then it’s one meter from both.

NICK: We’ll say that. What’s the damage?

LAURA: Blast 6.

NICK: Oh no… They have Soak 6.

LAURA & HUDSON: Oh no…

CAMERON: (laughs) Welp.

NICK: This thing lands perfectly. Well, it doesn’t, because you were aiming to bounce one off of somebody and it lands in the middle, but the explosion catches them both. The smoke clears and they’re still standing there.

LAURA: “Oh fuck.”

(laughter)

NICK: Up next we have another PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright, Karma’s gonna take it with her big gun so that she can use Quick Strike, because the one with the googly eyes hasn’t gone yet, so I get my blue die.

NICK: That’s true.

CAMERON: And I’ma gonna shoot it, with my carbine.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m gonna aim, so I’m taking another blue die.

NICK: (musically) Mechanics~!

AUSTIN: You’re not in cover anymore because you’re outside of the elevator.

CAMERON: That’s true. It’s fine. Two successes, one threat, and a triumph. Mm-hmm!

NICK: Threat happens off-screen. Don’t worry about it.

CAMERON: Cool! So my gun does 11 damage.

NICK: Got it, 11 damage. That’s a pretty solid hit. It definitely pierces the armor. Droid looks sad. Well, it’s face doesn’t move, but the googly eye droops a little bit. Did you want to crit with that triumph?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Alright. Roll me up a critical hit. I don’t have the chart in front of me~

LAURA: We have it right here.

NICK: Oh.

LAURA: You do have the chart right in front of me.

NICK: I literally have the chart in front of me~

CAMERON: Uh, heh, 12.

LAURA: Sudden Jolt: Drop item in hand.

CAMERON: Lethal Blows: Add +10 per rank of Lethal Blows to any critical injury result inflicted on opponent, so that is a 22.

NICK: This feels like Yu-Gi-Oh.

LAURA: Twenty-two!

AUSTIN: You’ve triggered my trap card!

CAMERON: Ha-ha! Wait, nope, sorry. Add another 10, 32. I have two in Lethal Blows.

LAURA: Thirty-two! Stunned: Staggered until end of next turn.

NICK: Oh shit. He can’t act.

CAMERON: Ha-ha-ha!

NICK: We’ll have to skip his NPC slot. It pierces and the droids are starting to roll forward, but this one shorts out and its head falls down, and you can see it running internal diagnostics to come back up. You managed to hit something pretty important.

CAMERON: I forgot that I added 20 to all of my crits.

NICK: We don’t actually crit that often, or if we do it’s against mooks so it doesn’t really matter.

CAMERON: No.

NICK: So, that was Karma and Xianna. Up to an NPC slot. He’s shorted out. He can’t move.

CAMERON: Heh-heh.

NICK: They were both rolling forward menacingly, not enough to mechanically change the difference but enough to make the scene look cooler, and this one veers slightly and starts grinding against the wall. It’s doing whatever the mechanical droid version of when your computer freezes and plays the one-eighth of a second noise it was playing when it freezes over and over again. It’s doing that.

LAURA & AUSTIN: (error noises)

NICK: Yep, that one. Thank you all for your illustration. Up next we have another PC slot.

AUSTIN: It’s my turn!

NICK: Okie-dokie.

LAURA: It’s Val~

AUSTIN: I’m gonna sprint at that robot, bounce on the jump pad, and punch him in the face!

(laughter)

NICK: Okay. You’re medium range.

AUSTIN: Yeah, I have to take a strain to double maneuver.

NICK: You can take a strain to double maneuver, or you can use the jump pad to just do it, but if you take the strain to double maneuver I’ll let you add a blue die to your attack with the jump pad.

AUSTIN: I’m gonna take the blue die.

NICK: Okay. You can take two blue dice because that’s real cool. Some Sonic stuff right there. No pressure.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: Are you using a black cylinder or a red cylinder?

AUSTIN: This is a black. The red ones are still… I thought about it for the gate and then I didn’t need them. Two successes and three advantages.

NICK: Okay…

AUSTIN: “Power slam!”

NICK: God damn it.

CAMERON: She yells.

AUSTIN: (laughing) As she’s jumping.

NICK: Which one were you hitting, googly eyes?

AUSTIN: The almost dead one. I’m gonna finish him.

NICK: You did how much damage?

AUSTIN: Nine damage.

NICK: Yeah, you punch its head off. It just (burst noise).

AUSTIN: It’s the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots. I hit it and it just goes poink!

NICK: (laughs) Yeah. The thing is though, you have these fists that also shoot blaster bolts when you punch. When you do does it eject the canister so you can put another one in, or does the canister just work for a while?

AUSTIN: We can say they eject, because it’s cooler.

NICK: That’s cool, right?! (ca-ching) And then it’s an incidental to slap another one in.

AUSTIN: Yeah, so I have a bunch of black ones.

NICK: You knock its head off, but you leave a smoking crater from the chest up. You blew this thing off and it just slouches into its treads and makes a sad droid noise and dies. Yep, success. Good work. We get a cool shot of Val standing over the corpse pumping her fists.

AUSTIN: Pumping her fists, looking really excited that she just got to punch a droid and it worked. (laughs)

NICK: Has Val not actually used these punch gloves before?

AUSTIN: It’s rare, because you don’t use them on civilized people.

NICK: Oh.

AUSTIN: You use them on Imperials and pirates.

NICK: Cool. Alright, we’ve got another PC slot. Tink, did you have something that you wanted to do?

HUDSON: Yes. There’s a turret above the elevator, correct?

NICK: yes there is.

HUDSON: I would like to try to activate that turret and shoot the droid.

NICK: Okay. There’s a turret above the elevator and there’s a turret above the vault where they were. Do you have a preference? They are closer to the one by the vault.

HUDSON: Let’s do the vault one then I suppose.

NICK: Alright. Make me a slicing check. This is a different system so it’s going to be hard with a black die, but if you succeed I’ll let you roll a shooting check.

CAMERON: (laughing) Oh no. He doesn’t have any shooting.

HUDSON: Great. I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and two advantages.

NICK: Wow. Do you want to spend the triumph that this turret already has targeting and you don’t have to roll to shoot? It just hits it.

HUDSON: yes.

NICK: Okay. You’re gonna hit this droid. It’s basically like a tesla coil, so it sticks out and this crazy arching electricity goes and hits it. How many successes did you have?

HUDSON: The success from the triumph plus two more.

NICK: Wow. Yeah, that does frickin’ 10 damage to it. It is pretty hurt. It is now malfunctioning, but the electricity seems to have kind of restarted it, which is cool. It kind of gets back up and it’s starting to run. It is going to have a black die with some of your advantages thrown in there, because it is now torn between if its enemy is behind it or in front of it. It was not designed for six people to murder it from various angles. That’s not what this thing’s purpose was. So, that is that. Next up we got a PC slot. Who wants to go?

CAMERON: I’ll shoot it again.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Gonna aim. Can I still use Quick Strike because it still hasn’t gone? It had its turn but was staggered and couldn’t take an action, so it has not acted in this combat.

NICK: It has not acted, so I guess you can Quick Strike it twice.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: Seems fair.

AUSTIN: Well, we almost one-shot the other one, so…

CAMERON: It does say ‘have not acted yet this encounter,’ so it is specific that they performed an action.

NICK: Yeah, there’s a reason HK just sits quietly in the background most of the time. He’s only good at one thing.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages, which does let me crit again. That’s 10 damage and a crit.

NICK: You guys are whittling this thing down. It’s obvious when you see one that wasn’t hit by possibly whatever space Geneva Convention violating weaponry it is that this thing can take a beating, because you have hit it with a lot of hits that would kill a person and it’s still rolling.

CAMERON: So this crit is gonna be +30.

NICK: Yep, because it’s already been crit on once.

CAMERON: And I add +20, so a 97 + 30 please. (laughs)

NICK: Oh…

LAURA: So, 127. Gruesome Injury: Permanent -1 penalty to random characteristic, and there is a random characteristic chart. It’s a d10. I don’t know if we’re gonna…

CAMERON: I’ve got a d10.

NICK: Here’s the thing. I don’t want you to do minus Charisma to this battle droid.

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: I wanna see! I wanna see.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: It’s more likely to be Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It would be funny if it was Charisma. (laughs)

LAURA: Because 1 through 6 are Brawn and Agility.

CAMERON: It’s a 3.

LAURA: That is Brawn.

NICK: Okay, so its soak is gonna go down by 1. What does that look like? What does a gruesome wound on a battle droid look like with a rifle?

CAMERON: It’s probably just like I completely take off its tread.

LAURA: Yeah, like a whole piece comes off.

NICK: Oof.

CAMERON: The tread just detaches from the center, so the spinning part is still functioning but it’s no longer going to actually grip on that side, and it shifts down slightly so it’s now sitting slightly at an angle, and there’s sparks and it looks cool.

NICK: The camera zooms in on the fact that the tread has a very small support and electrical chassis, and you’re like oh… (blast), and it just dismembers it slightly. It’s the kind of thing the first time you defeat an enemy with that mechanic in a video game you’re like oh this is so cool, the 50th time you do it you’re like this is dumb.

AUSTIN: (laughs)

NICK: So yeah, it is missing a leg, it is very sad, and it is its turn now. I think it is going to shoot at Karma because Karma just shot it very good. You jumped behind it basically to kill the other one, so it’s not paying attention to you.

AUSTIN: I’m out of sight right now.

CAMERON: What is its shooting stats?

NICK: It’s the same as the missile. What was that, four green?

CAMERON: Yes, it was four green, because I had to get out another green. It does have three black dice, because it has two black dice from the googly eyes and one black die from being shocked.

NICK: Yes, you’re right.

CAMERON: Because I added it to my black dice pile over here.

NICK: Okay. Man, this poor droid, it just wanted to learn to love. It had a whole backstory you guys. I wrote a short story about this battle droid.

CAMERON: And then I’m gonna suffer another strain to dodge and upgrade its difficulty by one. It’s upgrading so it’s going from a purple to a red, because it’s not increasing.

NICK: Yup. Big dice pools today.

CAMERON: Yup. Two threats.

NICK: Aww. Not three?

CAMERON: Just two. There was one advantage. I thought there was three for a second.

NICK: Oh well. It shoots a lot. It mostly hits the walls. It’s off kilter. The other eye is flickering from the electricity. This thing is just having a rough day. The walls look sad. The threats, whoever shoots at it next can have a blue die because it’s got big open wounds in its armor now and it’s very obvious where that is when it lights up from the inside trying to fire its weapons. Another PC slot.

LAURA: Xianna can just stop and shoot.

NICK: You’re within close range of it right now anyway, because you were from the grenades. It hasn’t gone past you.

LAURA: She’s not gonna move, so she’ll aim. That’s three successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LAURA: Yeah, that’s a crit. Yeah. It’s definitely a crit.

NICK: Man, this thing got critted on a bunch.

LAURA: It’s 9 damage, but a crit is activated.

CAMERON: And it’s gonna be a +20 crit.

LAURA: Because it’s been critted on twice.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LAURA: I know its soak is gonna take most of that 9 away, but…

NICK: Yeah, but you guys have whittled it down enough, it’s in pretty bad shape. Oh wait, and also its soak is down one, so it’s one more damage than I thought it was.

LAURA: Oh, that’s like 3 damage.

NICK: I mean, if you do that in repetition this thing doesn’t last very long. It’s already pretty much on the outs. It’s very sad. This went from a triumphant battle to executing something very quickly.

LAURA: Alright. Let’s see what its crit is. I don’t have d10s, or d100s.

CAMERON: Do you wanna roll it?

LAURA: You can roll it.

CAMERON: That is a 43 + 20.

LAURA: Sixty-three. Slightly Dazed: Disoriented until end of encounter.

NICK: So that’s a black die?

CAMERON: Another black die.

AUSTIN: I don’t think it’s gonna be hitting anything anymore.

CAMERON: It’s up to four black dice anytime it does anything.

NICK: Okay, another PC slot.

AUSTIN: My turn!

NICK: yeah…

AUSTIN: I wanna run over to it and just rip its heart out. It has so many holes in it now. I’m a mechanic, and I know what to grab, so I’m just gonna bounce on that jump plate, jump on its torso, and just (roars).

NICK: Alright, make me a Brawl check I guess. (laughs)

LAURA: Oh! Also, I had two more advantages that weren’t spent. Can I give Val some boost dice?

NICK: Sure.

LAURA: Like I step out of the way and…

AUSTIN: Is it Brawl or Mechanics to do that?

NICK: We’ll say Brawl. You’re aggressively mechanic-ing.

AUSTIN: Percussive maintenance, except extreme! Two successes.

NICK: What’s the total damage?

AUSTIN: Two + 3 + 4 again, assuming I’m blast knuckling it to rip this thing out. I put my arm around it and then squeeze and then shoot the pieces behind it.

NICK: Hey, you killed it, just barely. You coup de grace this thing. You just go and pull out its central processor?

AUSTIN: yeah, the droid heart.

NICK: Okay. Well, good work.

AUSTIN: I throw it at HK’s feet. “This is what happens to droids who get in the way.”

NICK: “Reassurance: If I’m to kill you it will be from far enough away you don’t know it happens.” It just looks unphased.

AUSTIN: I wink at him and turn towards the door. (laughs)

CAMERON: How is HK doing health-wise? You said he took a pretty decent hit.

NICK: He took a decent hit. I think he took 3 out of 12, so he’s at 75% right now.

LAURA: Okay, that’s fine~

NICK: He’s un poco squishy. Yeah, you are at the vault, the vault with the combination lock on it.

LAURA: Xianna starts trying to get through the door. If it’s a combo lock… Oh, I don’t know how Star Wars ones work. I don’t know if you can do the like, listen to it and hear for the tumblers.

AUSTIN: Like a keypad or a mechanical?

NICK: I was picturing a keypad but now it’s like a twisty lock. That’s fine.

LAURA: Oh, it’s a full twisty lock?

AUSTIN: Is it a digital twisty lock? (laughs)

NICK: It’s a mechanical one. No, it’s a mechanical one because they wanted to avoid slicers getting into it, because most of their stuff was electronic at this point. Quick cut away while she’s doing that. Tink, you’re just patrolling the cameras real quick and you notice there’s a circling drone that goes around the station looking at the exterior stuff. You already shut it down so you don’t have to worry about that, but you notice that the handcuffs with Mills on it are empty. Mills has escaped.

HUDSON: (seethes) Ooh.

NICK: As you look through you can actually see him running down hallways trying to get somewhere. So, that’s going on.

HUDSON: What about that encrypted file?

NICK: Ooh, that encrypted file you say. You are able to get into it. There are a lot of blueprints for some weird shit in there.

HUDSON: I collect it on a little, little… stick.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: Computer stick.

NICK: There’s some weapon stuff and some ship stuff, and mechanically what that will do is you can either use it to do a weird custom upgrade to your axe or to help do a weird custom upgrade to the ship, your choice, later, but you have the data. This Kuat Ship Drive’s highly confidential exploratory technology, you now have. If you did it or if you gave it to someone who was in the know they could turn it into something cool.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Yup. It’s a file that says like Do Not Read, 1998 taxes. (laughter) Laura, are you rolling a Skulduggery to try to just old school crack this lock?

LAURA: Yes, and I’m gonna flip a light side point. This is a model Xianna has seen before and knows exactly what to listen for.

NICK: Oh. I want to know when you’ve tried to crack this safe before. What hijinks were you in?

LAURA: Ooh! Let’s see.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: It’s probably something really ridiculous and petty. Someone at a club took her coat home instead of hers, like the coat check switched them up, so someone went home with Xianna’s super special thief trench coat… and so Xianna as like NO. (laughs) So she broke into this person’s house and also opened up their safe as an additional fuck you, you don’t take my coat, I’m taking your coat and your money.

NICK: (laughs) Okay. We cut back from that flashback to you trying to open this safe manually.

LAURA: What would the difficulty be?

NICK: Daunting. Doing a safe with no specialized tools is pretty hard.

LAURA: I don’t think I have any…

NICK: You don’t have a stethoscope or something?

LAURA: No. I would just smoosh my lekku (laughs) up against the door. I have some stuff for Bypass Security and it’s all remove black dice. Scanner goggles don’t see into things. I’ll have to get some more thiefy stuff.

CAMERON: Ooh. I want to aim my carbine at the door and look through my scope. Do I see any heat signatures? (laughs)

NICK: You see one blindingly bright heat signature.

CAMERON: “Guys, there’s something really hot in there.” Is it just like a box of bright light?

NICK: It looks like a cylinder.

LAURA: “It’s probably the engine. Engines go… they run. They get hot.”

CAMERON: “It does not look people-shaped.”

NICK: Good roll.

LAURA: Okay, so that is a triumph with a success, three more successes, two threats.

NICK: If you would like, that triumph is that you identify the potentially deadly booby-trap on the safe and it doesn’t go off.

LAURA: Yes!

NICK: Okay. Cool.

(laughter)

LAURA: I would like that, thank you, very much.

NICK: You’re actually able to get it on the second try, and it’s not that you didn’t figure out what the numbers were on the first try, it was that you just forgot that oh, when you go right it has to go around twice.

LAURA: “Oh, this is the X24… S model. On this one it goes this way. On the F model it goes the other way.”

CAMERON: “Alright.” And we put in the year that the Emperor came to power, and open.

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “You have to do Sheevy in numbers, because you know, everyone knows his first name and his nickname is Sheevy.”

(laughter)

NICK: So, the safe pops and you see in the safe door, because this is a big bank vault looking thing, you see something that catches your eye. It’s a poison dart that’s on a proximity trigger. You just put a finger into the side of the dart and it shoots off and shatters against the wall and starts to acid burn a little bit. That would have been real bad. And so, the door swings open.

Inside the vault you find a durasteel cylinder about the size of a breadbox. It’s sitting on a small work table. It has a universal port on one end and a power button on the other. It’s polished to a mirror sheen but otherwise featureless. You all can roll Knowledge checks to recognize more about what the heck this thing is.

CAMERON: What type of Knowledge?

LAURA: I can roll an Underworld.

NICK: This would be like Education kind of situation probably.

CAMERON: eh. Hell, we can try.

LAURA: I mean, I’ll roll. What difficulty?

AUSTIN: I do have Education.

NICK: Hard.

LAURA: I’m pretty sure Xianna dropped out of school at like 15. (laughs)

NICK: Tink, you could probably see it through the cameras if you want to roll.

HUDSON: Oh, great.

LAURA: One advantage.

CAMERON: Ah! That was close though.

NICK: Fail?

CAMERON: Yeah.

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna literally dropped out of school at 15.

CAMERON: Psh. Oops.

AUSTIN: (smiling) Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: You’re just so shocked. You fall prone!

AUSTIN: “yes!” And I fall over. (laughs)

HUDSON: One threat.

NICK: Tink sees it through the cameras. ‘I think I know what that—‘ Nope. Someone starts knocking on the door outside your security room.

AUSTIN: I probably walk over and start getting a better look at it and just trip on a seam in the floor and face plant.

NICK: (laughs) yeah.

AUSTIN: I fall prone. (dramatic bass noise)

NICK: Yeah. Your legs are a little watery from the combat, because you haven’t done that in a while. You went pretty hard in the paint there. You get close, but you recognize this is a power source. You actually can put your hand on it and it’s not hot. It just has so much inherent energy that heat sensors and radiation sensors freak out, but it doesn’t emit any harmful radiation. This thing is basically—four of these things could power a star destroyer, and it’s just in this little tube that you could just plug into something. It doesn’t consume fuel. It will last 15 years and is already operational. It is technology that you recognize just miniaturized way more than you would expect and is incredibly expensive to make which is why they’re not using them yet. They haven’t made them cost effective, but you got one!

AUSTIN: “No way, guys! This is so exciting! Look! They miniaturized the thing, and the flux coils are down to that small, and they got rid of the heat signatures,” and I’m just bouncing around being really excited. “Guys, this is why we’re here!”

LAURA: “I am so happy you are so excited, and I am very happy it is small enough for one person to pick up. Very excited about that.”

AUSTIN: I just grab it off the table. I just pick it up and go “YAH!” (laughter) and then think about it for a second and look around and make sure I didn’t trigger an Indiana Jones trap.

LAURA: “Okay. You already picked it up. It is going to be okay. Let’s see… Now explosions. Distract people on our way out, but we don’t want to be caught in the explosions and stuff.”

AUSTIN: I pull out the detonator.

CAMERON: “I would maybe wait until we’re more up in the elevator, because that was a really long elevator ride.”

(laughter)

LAURA: ‘oh, I guess.”

CAMERON: Was there anything else in that room?

NICK: Nope. That was the only thing.

AUSTIN: Can I rip a gun off of one of those droids, one of those mini-guns?

NICK: If you make me a Mechanics check.

AUSTIN: I have remove a black die per rank of Utini to find and scavenge items and gear, so I’m gonna remove whatever that black die was.

NICK: (smiling) It was going to be a black die because it was all damaged so now you don’t have that. Make me a Mechanics check to steal one of these gun barrels.

AUSTIN: I don’t actually want to use it myself, but I want to put it on the ship. Actually, I wanna put it on a speeder.

NICK: It’s a lot heavier.

CAMERON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: (laughing) Because you don’t have any right now. You’re gonna be very successful.

AUSTIN: Yeah! Advantages. Five advantages and a success.

NICK: Okay. Let’s make it so that the advantage is you actually get a piece of the security suite from the droid with it so getting out of here is gonna be a lot easier than getting in was, and you have a big old repeating blaster. It’s gonna take both hands and it probably weighs 20 kilos, 25 kilos. That’s like 60 pounds.

LAURA: Mm-hmm.

AUSTIN: I look in my tool belt and find some rope and just tie it across my shoulders.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

AUSTIN: I don’t want to use it, I just want to have it, unless someone else wants it.

NICK: “Observation: That’s a pretty impressive piece you’ve got there,” and turns to head to the elevator.

LAURA: “I literally do not think I could even pick that up.”

NICK: (laughs)

AUSTIN: (roars)

LAURA: “If you were to put numbers to how strong I am, it is a 1.” (laughter) “Say if we were on some sort of 1 to 6 system, my Brawn, my strength as you say, would be a 1.”

NICK: You get on the elevator. The elevator starts to go up. We get a scene of the coms starting to reconnect with Tink and you get the crackle back to connection. Tink, what have you been doing, clicking through the files seeing all the cool stuff you got?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Just weird arc technology, kinda like those electrical turrets probably were, but you could use it to do what we talked about before.

AUSTIN: Would you say that thing we found is an arc reactor?

NICK: No.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: I would not, because it wasn’t a donut. I was tempted to make it a donut but I didn’t. So, the elevator is going up. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding… Ding…

NICK: Tink, you can see on the cameras that—

CAMERON: (laughing) It’s dinging even though there are no floors. It’s just letting us know where there would be floors.

NICK: You can see on the cameras that Mills has re-found his gun and is standing in front of the elevator watching the counter go, just looking really upset. At that point someone is pounding on the door trying to get in. “Hey, you put in a ticket. We’re trying to keep our response times within LOS. If you could let us in, we’ll help you with that security error. We heard explosions though, are you really sure? Could I resolve this ticket now?” (laughing) What do you do?

HUDSON: First I get on coms and I try to say and whisper so they can’t hear from the hallway, “Mills is right outside the elevator.”

CAMERON: Oh shit.

HUDSON: Do they hear me?

NICK: Yeah.

LAURA: “Oh no. He will most certainly shoot us.”

CAMERON: “Oh hey, coms came back on.”

HUDSON: “Uhh… I gotta deal with- Gotta go. Love you.”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Okay! Love you too! Bye~!”

HUDSON: I go to the door and I say, “Um, yeah, that ticket can be resolved. I already dealt with it.”

NICK: “This is highly suspicious. Can we just get in real quick to look at it? The door seems to be malfunctioning. We’re not really mechanics though, we do the software, but if you could let us in… We did a long walk over here. The air locks really need some preventative maintenance, they were pretty slow, and I’m starting to ramble, but if I could… Just let us in for a second, would you, buddy?”

HUDSON: “I thought there were some explosions and evacuations going on?”

NICK: “I don’t know anything about that. Um… I don’t know. That seemed like just some sort of gas leak. Just… Why won’t you let us in? That’s kind of weird.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Who are you with?”

NICK: “We’re with… the… We resolve tickets. We’re the IT team.”

HUDSON: “How many of you?”

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Um… You know, maybe I should just go and get the security detail. Maybe they can help you more.”

HUDSON: “No, no, no. I just wanted to see if my friend was out there.”

NICK: “Hey, you don’t sound like Ted. Where’s Ted?”

HUDSON: “Oh. Ted? Hold on. Let me just… Ow, the door’s jammed. Just a second.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I open the door. Remove my vibro-axe, open the door, and get into position to slash.

NICK: Okay. (laughing) So this is just these two dorks with backpacks, they say like Geek Squad on their shirts. The door swings open and they are standing there like “huh, where’s that guy?” Are you hiding next to the door?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: “Huh, where’s that guy?” They walk in and they go to the computer and they see how deep into the files you were. “Man, I haven’t even seen these registries. No wonder it’s all messed up,” and they start clicking away.

HUDSON: I slip out the door.

NICK: (laughing) Okay. Roll me a Stealth to leave without them noticing.

HUDSON: Oh no… Oh. Okay, I can do that. I actually have three in Stealth.

NICK: What?!

(laughter)

LAURA: yeah!

NICK: Canonically, Tink moves like a ghost. We established that before.

LAURA: Because his feet are padded, so there’s not a lot of sound.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, these guys suck.

CAMERON: And he blends into the surroundings so well.

NICK: You can have a blue die because they’re dorks.

HUDSON: Three successes and four advantages.

NICK: Do you want to spend the advantages that while they’re exiting out they don’t take any logs of anything so there’s no trace of you having been there?

HUDSON: Yup!

NICK: Okay. Four advantages I think would cover that. Three successes, you’re just gone. You actually beat them back to the rendezvous place, or were you gonna go to the elevator and meet up with them? It’s a reasonably long walk.

HUDSON: I would say rendezvous place then. Yeah.

NICK: Okay. You head back to the bubble. “Man, I don’t know what these programs are, some sort of bloatware.” He’s like deleting stuff and cleaning up the tracks for you.

(laughter)

CAMERON: ‘That’s why it’s running so slowly.’

HUDSON: So wait, they came in, were just talking to someone, and then—

CAMERON: Yup!

AUSTIN: They saw the problem and immediately are…

NICK: They saw the computer, immediately wanted to do it, that’s a fair point. They came in and the guy started working on it, the other guy was looking over his shoulder, and then you stealthed so good you got out. “Hey… Oh, I don’t know.” (laughs)

CAMERON: And the door had swooshed open so they can’t see where your axe was in it, so they’re just like huh, I guess he left.

NICK: Yeah. They think it’s weird. A guy pokes his head out to look around, but you stealthed so well that he didn’t find you. You’re gone, easy-peasy. So, we get back to the elevator crew. (hums elevator music)

LAURA: Ding…

NICK: It goes PING! It opens, and HK is pressed against the wall. “Statement: Tell me when to fire.” The rest of you see Mills standing out there.

CAMERON: Karma had flipped her blaster back to stun after we found out Mills was out front.

AUSTIN: I have the detonator in my hand still.

NICK: (laughs) yeah. The door opens. Mills sees—Well, are you all pressed against the doors, or…?

CAMERON: We probably took up the same positions as last time.

LAURA: Yeah, pressed against the door, and knowing that it’s Mills, Xianna would just yell out “Excuse me, Mils. Please do not shoot us~!”

NICK: He’s just flabbergasted. “Uh… You sound familiar. Is that a Twi’lek accent I hear?”

LAURA: “Yes it is. It is me. We met on Unroola Dawn, like, the other week I think. I have no idea how long it has been.”

NICK: “Aw man, no kriff.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Yes! Do you remember us? There was those trees and they ate someone, and yes. We got deserters, and… How is Falx doing? I hear he died. Is that true?”

NICK: “Oh man. Yeah, if you’re calling out the trees you’ve definitely been in the shit.”

LAURA: “I’m purple, a Twi’lek. Remember me?”

NICK: “Oh yeah, I remember. You killed a tree with a grenade.”

LAURA: “I did, I killed—Yes. Well, I killed one of the deserters with a grenade by accident.”

CAMERON: “I think the tree made it, actually.”

LAURA: “I think the tree survived, but we did shoot the tree.”

NICK: “You’ve passed my subtle test.”

LAURA: “Yes. Yes.”

CAMERON: (laughing) Karma’s just gonna step out of cover, still with her gun out though.

NICK: He’s standing there, and as you step out of cover—Val do you go with her, or are you still hiding in the elevator?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’ll walk out.

NICK: He sees Xianna and Karma and he drops the gun. “Wow. Long time no see. You working for Kuat Ship yards too? They pay pretty well.” Then Val steps out. “Oh, holy shit!” He puts his gun on her. “You caught yourself a prisoner. I didn’t know they hired more security contractors, but step aside, I’ll put her down.”

LAURA: “yes! No, hold on.” Xianna wants to really quickly scurry up next to Val and slap a binder, just on one hand though, and then be like “no-no-no, we have to take her in for a bounty, remember? This one ,the Nautolan, Karma’s a bounty hunter.”

CAMERON: “They wanted to question her, Mills, so…”

LAURA: “Yes.”

NICK: “Hmm…”

LAURA: But I won’t attach the binders, so I won’t actually close them. I want them to just loosely be on so that it looks—

NICK: The Chewbacca treatment.

LAURA: Yeah, the Chewbacca thing. Would that be a Skulduggery?

NICK: “I’m pretty suspicious. This seems like a Deception.”

AUSTIN: I have the box like in one of my arms.

LAURA: Oh yeah.

NICK: He doesn’t know what that is. That’s super top secret. It just looks like a tube. “This sounds like some sort of a Deception check.”

LAURA: Oh, more Deception than Skulduggery? Sleight of hand?

NICK: Yeah. I’ll let you just slip the binder on, that’s not a big deal—

CAMERON: But us lying to him.

NICK: The lying.

LAURA: The lying.

NICK: He has two purples and a red.

CAMERON: But take a blue die, because I assisted with the lying.

NICK: I’ll do that.

LAURA: Two successes.

NICK: The thing is, he just needs there to be a good enough story that he would be able to tell somebody if they questioned him about it, so he’s not thinking about it too hard. “Well, I know they’re hiring a lot of people from dangerous places right now. There’s some new technology here that’s a really big deal. My next step is to have them expand the air vents so I can get in there, do better security from hiding. That’s kind of my thing.”

LAURA: “Oh yes. Mm-hmm.”

CAMERON: “Yes.”

LAURA: Xianna would slowly sidestep halfway in front of Val so that Mills can’t see what she’s holding. “Uh-huh, yes. We were hired to catch someone trying to steal these things, and you know, they need to up their security. Yeah, those vents, they need to check out the vents. Uh-huh. Yes.”

CAMERON: As Xianna’s talking and Mills is relaxing, Karma’s gonna go over and lift up the cage again (laughs), so that everybody else can get out.

NICK: Because he was on the other side of the cage.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. At this point HK snaps around the corner and his gun starts charging. “Tactical Statement: Suppressing fire.” He’s about to shoot. Do you stop him?

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m gonna stop him.

LAURA: “Hank! Do not shoot him, Hank!”

CAMERON: I’m gonna hold up a hand. “Hank, stop. Agh! Gosh darn it, Xianna. You got me calling him Hank. HK, stop!” (laughs)

LAURA: “It is Hank. Heh.”

NICK: Xianna said it first, ‘hey, Hank, don’t shoot him.’ “Statement: This is not a sufficient order from a secondary user. Please see an administrator.” And then Karma said no, no, stop, and so he powers down. “Disappointed sigh.”

LAURA: “Sorry about that, Mills. The company that hired us wanted additional, you know, backup for us and gave us this droid, but I think the droid is broken too. You know, budget cuts, you know how that works.”

CAMERON: “I think it’s just been a little bit too long between memory wipes. He’s getting real murderous.”

LAURA: “Yes. You know they need to wipe them every so often or else they get personalities and things like that, you know.”

NICK: “Statement: I resemble that remark.”

CAMERON: Resemble? (laughs)

NICK: Mills just shrugs and slaps his gun over his shoulder. “Well, I’m gonna go see who put down all these people. I guess it was your prisoner here, but there’s a bunch of dead stormtroopers in the hall.”

LAURA: “There’s people?”

CAMERON: Karma walks forward and peeks. “Holy kriff!” (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, it’s just smoldering. It looks like Uncle Ben and Aunt Beru from New Hope.

SEVERAL: Oh no! (laughs)

NICK: They’re just frickin roasted. The armor is all splattered against the wall in melted drips. It’s like an anti-army weapon they used in a hallway. This is not good.

AUSTIN: (smiling) With all the doors shut.

NICK: Mills didn’t seem, like… The reason you had this calm conversation is he was like “yeah, I’ve seen some stuff. Whatever. I guess I’ll go file a report or whatever, but I hope to see you around soon.”

CAMERON: “Totally. We should get lunch!”

NICK: he just kinda shrugs. “By the way, the wall you breached through, we haven’t vented any of the atmo yet so you should be able to get back to your ship.” He just kind of winks and walks away.

CAMERON: “Thanks buddy!”

LAURA: “Bye! Thank you!”

CAMERON: (smiling) And off we go~

NICK: And you have to step through this flaming hellscape that you have created. You’re able to get back down the hallway. The security has mostly been disabled. All of the airlocks are open and there’s air everywhere, so that didn’t really come up which is cool. You’re able to get back to the ship. Tink is waiting right there.

LAURA: “Ello Tink.”

HUDSON: “Hey guys!”

CAMERON: “Hey!”

LAURA: “How did it go?”

HUDSON: “Pretty swell. I got some really interesting documents I want to show y’all later.”

LAURA: “Oh cool. We can sell them for money.”

CAMERON: “Oh, really?!” Karma’s putting her suit back on.

LAURA: “I hope they are proprietary secrets.”

HUDSON: “I mean, maybe, but…”

LAURA: “We can sell those.”

HUDSON: “You’re all about money, aren’t you?”

LAURA: “yes I am! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

NICK: We get everybody bounce-hustling their way back to the ship that’s stuck to the side. As you take off we get the view of the cockpit of Karma flying. Val, are you in the co-pilot seat or are you messing with the engines?

AUSTIN: Yeah, I’m in the co-pilot seat right now.

NICK: Okay. As soon as you pick off you hear, “This is the ISS Sickle. Unidentified ship containing George Jetson, please wait. We’ve heard sounds of a disturbance and we really need you to stay around. We need your report.”

AUSTIN: I set the bombs off.

NICK: Yeah?

(laughter)

AUSTIN: “That sounds like my cue!”

LAURA: “Boom!”

NICK: (explosion noises) And the captain says, “Ship, stop now. Whoever you are, there’s been some sort of attack. Stop now.” All of the turbo lasers are pointing towards you. We’re gonna resolve this cinematically, because ship rules… fuck that. I think what happens is Karma does some fancy flying to get around it, and the Sickle gets into the route that you need to hyperspace jump back to the labs, and you get a chance to shoot the turbo laser at this star destroyer. What is Val’s response to there is a big old star destroyer right in your flight path?

AUSTIN: I hit the green button… (laughing) and then I run back in to the power reactor core and start hitting things, getting it ready to charge to be able to survive that shot.

NICK: Yeah. You’re insulating stuff, rerouting power. The engines start to sputter out.

AUSTIN: I think turbo lasers are just a whole bunch of capacitors, so it’s just drawing all of the power out of the engine while that thing charges up.

NICK: Yeah, so the ship’s still moving but it starts to jutter a little. We get Tink—Are you involved in watching this mechanical mayhem that’s going on?

HUDSON: Yeah, I’m just kind of observing.

NICK: ‘Seems fine. Oh, don’t forget that one, that might make us die.’ Karma, we get your flying and you see there’s a trigger on the yolk that’s covered with glass, and you flip it up and the button that you can hit starts glowing green, and that means you can shoot.

CAMERON: I’ma punch it!

NICK: Okay. The whole ship actually—

AUSTIN: (heavy crunch)

NICK: Yeah. It’s not a big ship. This is like a minivan covered in guns with a World War II artillery piece strapped to the side of it. The whole ship’s forward momentum is negated by the shot. It just stops.

AUSTIN: Goes off in a spin because it’s off-center.

NICK: Yeah, it starts to spin a little. It pierces the shields and the armor of the star destroyer. It doesn’t kill it, it doesn’t core it out, but it does enough damage that the captain starts peeling off. He’s like I don’t know what the heck that was, but this is too much and if I lose the ship I lose my commission. We see it start to drift with sparks going everywhere as it backs away. There’s a line of explosions along the left side of the ship. And your way is clear, so you get it back under control, and you punch it, and you go back.

The next scene is you all in Val’s lab having successfully completed your heist.

ALL: Yay~

LAURA: “Okay, so uh, you will join Sentinel’s team or whatever? I don’t really know what he wanted from you.”

AUSTIN: “But did you see the turbo laser?”

LAURA: “I did.. It was big and—“

AUSTIN: “It was SO COOL!”

LAURA: “It made a big pew, pew-pew-pew, lasers everywhere. Yes. Great.”

AUSTIN: “That’s the first time I’ve seen a ship live through it.”

CAMERON: “I mean, it was a star destroyer.” (laughs)

LAURA: “Oh… Huh.”

AUSTIN: “I always hit like cruisers and frigates and they just kind of explode.”

LAURA: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Yup, but you know, even the victory class star destroyers are pretty kriffin’ large.”

LAURA: “yes. So anyways, you will work for Sentinel? Take his job? I am sure the reason he is hiring you is so that you can blow things up. Blow more things up. I heard there was something about an Imperial shipyard to blow things up in.”

HUDSON: “Additionally, do you want to get caf later?”

(laughter)

LAURA: “Yes, are you single? Are you single or what?”

AUSTIN: “Yeah. I’m currently single, but you’re not really my type.”

LAURA: “Okay. No problem. What about Tink?”

HUDSON: “Oh…”

AUSTIN: “Yeah, neither of you.”

HUDSON: “Aww…”

LAURA: “Okay. That is fine. You blow things up for Sentinel?”

AUSTIN: “Tell him to give me a call back.”

LAURA: “yes, of course. We will do that. Yes.”

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna’s just gonna wander around and she finds a piece of machinery, and there’s a button on it, and it’s gonna do the whole “oh, what is this button?!” (laughs)

CAMERON: (smiling) No~!

LAURA: And starts going to press it, and everyone is like NO~!

NICK: (smiling) And then we zoom out, and then you just see a plume of fire go out through one of the ship ports, and that will be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

CAMERON: Wee!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging onto iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad smile and blush adorably when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Valorissia Creed is played by Austin Whittington. You’re not going to find him on the internet, but you can find him on our Discord, so stop by and say howdy.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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