Transcript: Episode 33 The Crew’s Last Resort

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 33:
The Crew’s Last Resort

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

First off, I want to thank MagicalGirlKyra for her very kind review. Thank you for telling people such nice things about our show and thank you for your constant support. Also, we have a new patron to thank! Zouron, thank you for becoming a patron. We are super pumped to have you join the squad. May the solar winds ever fill your sails.

One announcement this week: If you’re going to GenCon this year, Tabletop Squadron will be doing a panel! It will be Friday at 1 PM. Grab your tickets and come say hi as we talk about running a game and telling stories in pre-established canon. Also, even if you’re not doing GenCon specifically, we’re going to do some sort of hangout that weekend, so if you’re in the area we’ll hope that you’ll come see us and say hi. More information on that will be forthcoming as we get closer to the event.

Music this week is Bassa Island Game Loop, By Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin Macleod, of Licensed under creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 License.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 33 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m Nick, your host… and… game master. Gonna take it a little slower… No we’re not. We’re gonna take the exact same normal speed that we do for these introductions. So everybody, we’ll go around the table, say who you are and what character you are playing today. First up we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi everyone. I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a slicer who’s a Gigoran named Tink. Switch it up a little.

NICK: Oh man. That’s gonna wreck my mess.

HUDSON: (laughs) What?

NICK: I don’t know. (laughs) Up next, we’ve got Laura.

LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: See, she kept to the format, and now I am comfortable.

LAURA: See! I know the rules!

HUDSON: I… I didn’t know there was this unspoken rule.

NICK: (smiling) Well, it’s not like we haven’t done it for 33 episodes or anything.

HUDSON: One time I said I was a car.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: (laughing) That’s fair. Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron. I am playing a bounty hunter named Karma Nailo who happens to be a Nautolan.

NICK: Mmm. Off to a bad start. (smiling) Okay! Before we get started with any recaps or anything, let’s do the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LAURA: Two dark side!


NICK: Ha-ha… I probably—I wouldn’t worry about it. It’ll be fine. So, last time you all managed to meet with Sentinel. He said he would contact Valorissia and negotiate whatever was left to get her to join Beta Squad. He gave you a little bit of a preview into what your next big mission was, but first you had to head to the planet of Sesid to meet up with a crew that will help smuggle you to where you need to go. It just so happens to be some sort of resort planet, so you’ll maybe have some fun beach times while you wait for your ride. Oh, and there’s a loth-rat on the ship that has escaped into the walls. We also discovered that.

CAMERON: (laughs) But it’s not causing any damage.

NICK: Probably.

LAURA: That we know of.

CAMERON: It’s friendly. We have a feeling… that it’s non-threatening.

HUDSON: (singing) …that tonight’s gonna be a good night~


NICK: Yup. That’s it. Great. We’ll go ahead and jump right into it. The first thing we get is the Afternoon Delight taking a lazy arch down toward the planet of Sesid. It is a bright blue ball floating in the black curtain of space. It’s polka dotted with green and black like some being spattered it with a giant paintbrush. As you come in lower to the planet you see that these dots are various volcanic archipelagos and islands. An automated system welcomes you to the planet and gives you landing coordinates for Thrinaka, the main port town. As you come in to land you see a large column of smoke out in the ocean coming from a good sized volcano. As you land we get a sweeping shot of the space port and the port city beyond. All the buildings are made out of that thick California villa style stucco, and they have thatch rooves but they don’t really look like they’re structurally necessary. The space port is basically an open parking lot with a small shack that looks like a toll booth in the middle. There’s a board like an airport has with listings of ship names in parking spots hanging from the shack: from single seater fighters to space buses a little larger than the Afternoon Delight. The space port opens straight up onto a beach with gorgeous turquoise water lapping against white sand. Small trails of sand are scattered over the landing area as well. What do you do?

CAMERON: Land the ship.

NICK: Great. (landing noises) Ship’s landed.

HUDSON: I put on my swimsuit!

NICK: (laughs) Oh gosh. Okay, so you get dressed for your beach adventure, I guess?


NICK: Alright. Everybody tell me what their beach adventure outfit is.

LAURA: Xianna already put together the bags, and she put the bags out in front of everyone’s rooms for them to find.

NICK: Oh gosh. So, I guess we’ll start with Xianna since you picked bathing suits.

LAURA: Xianna has one of those strappy, black one-piece swimsuits that has no business being a one-piece because it’s so many pieces and so many straps that it doesn’t make any logistical sense, and you’re not really sure how some of the straps are connecting but they are, and you’re not sure how any of them are staying in place but they are.

NICK: Nice. Yeah, that tracks.

LAURA: And she has a gigantic, floppy beach hat probably made of straw or woven material, and flip-flops.

NICK: Great. I think we get a shot of Tink opening up his bag to see what the bathing suit presented to him is. He is not required to put it on, but what did you give Tink?

LAURA: Ooh. I think I gave Tink one of those very old-timey swimsuits that’s just a straight up shirt and shorts and it’s got the little sailor bow.

CAMERON: And it has a matching hat.

LAURA: It’s the only one I found in your size.

HUDSON: I’ll take it!

NICK: Okay. Are you fine with that outfit for the duration of this, or for the first part anyway?

HUDSON: Yes, absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You have an old-timey sailor suit and matching hat. What did you give Karma in her bag?

LAURA: I found Karma a very sensible gold one-piece with a matching beach hat and oversized sunglasses, and a very large beach bag that has lots and lots of pockets in it.

NICK: Nice.

LAURA: It is the mom bag. Everyone knows what I’m talking about.

CAMERON: (smiling) yes.

LAURA: There’s pockets on the outside. There’s sections on it specifically to put water bottles in. It’s giant.

NICK: Great. Cameron, does that outfit look work for you?

CAMERON: Yes, except I want it to be a tankini.

NICK: A tankini?


NICK: What is that?

CAMERON: It’s like a two-piece, but instead of a bikini where it’s just covering your boobs it covers your stomach as well, so it’s essentially a one-piece but there’s very slight midriff in the middle and it’s two separate pieces. It just shouts ‘mom’ to me.

NICK: Okay, so it’s a gold tankini, and then giant mom bag.

CAMERON: Giant mom bag, matching hat, big old sunglasses, and she adds a crocheted swimsuit cover.

HUDSON: Are you wearing any kind of feet protection?

CAMERON: Uh… Crocs.

NICK: Ew! (seethes)

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m wearing none.

LAURA: Xianna tried to hide the Crocs…

CAMERON: Karma found them.

LAURA: …but she found them.

NICK: They were stuck in a sound damper somewhere in the wall.

CAMERON: They’re great water shoes.

NICK: (groans) Normally I don’t care. I don’t know why that one hit me so hard.

CAMERON: When you’re chasing after children, being able to strap your sandal on is very useful, and you don’t care if they get all gross and nasty and sandy.

NICK: That’s fair.

HUDSON: Outside of character, my grandma calls them thongs.

LAURA & CAMERON: Flip-flops?

NICK: I know people who call flip-flops thongs. Yeah. Egh… It can lead to some hilarious misunderstandings though. Is Tink wearing shoes?

HUDSON: No. He’s gonna do that thing where he doesn’t wear shoes then regrets it later when there’s concrete that’s really hot, and he has to go ‘ow-ow-ow’ and then run across.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Fair.

LAURA: Xianna didn’t find shoes that would fit you.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: He doesn’t normally wear shoes.

HUDSON: I don’t.

NICK: What is Xianna wearing on her feet?

LAURA: Flip-flops!

NICK: Does that work~?

LAURA: Yes. She still has the—

HUDSON: Oh-ho-ho…

LAURA: She lost the pinky inward not her big toe, so she still has some toes to put flip-flops in. (laughs)

CAMERON: So it’s fine!

NICK: I just need to check. We get this great shot of everybody walking down the halls and meeting by the exit ramp as it comes down and you all see each other.

HUDSON: “Let’s check into the hotel!”

LAURA: “Yes.”

CAMERON: “Okay.”

LAURA: “And then we get drinks.”

CAMERON: “Yes. Tink, remember you’re seven.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Yes. Oh, I meant… (pitched up) Uh-huh!”

CAMERON: (laughing) “Good job. This is gonna be great. I’m so excited. (seethes nervously)”

LAURA: (defeated) “It will probably not, but okay.”

HUDSON: “Mum. Mum. Mummy. Mum! Mum… Mum… Mum…”

LAURA: “No!”

CAMERON: “Tink…”

HUDSON: “… Can I have a popsicle?”

CAMERON: “You fucking ate all of them. (laughs) Sorry, you fricking ate all of them.”

LAURA: “No! You fucking ate all of them, Tink!” (laughter) “You ate like 2,000 popsicles! I do not understand how that even works.”

CAMERON: “Maybe when we get to the beach you can have a popsicle.”

HUDSON: “Mommy’s using curses~”

CAMERON: “… Yup.”

LAURA: (sighs)

NICK: Oh god. This bit is not gonna get old, at all.


LAURA: “Tink! Only do this around other people.”

HUDSON: “Okay mom.”

LAURA: “Okay.”

NICK: Okay. So, you head down the ramp—

CAMERON: What’s Hank wearing?

NICK: Hank is not wearing anything. (laughter) Hank is a droid.

HUDSON: Sunscreen?

CAMERON: We found him a floppy hat, and we put it on him!

LAURA: Yeah. Xianna found a small, sensible beach hat for Karma, but she found one in a color that goes well with Hank’s metal exterior.

NICK: Is it like the wide brim floppy hat or is it like the bucket hats that 80 year old men wear?

LAURA: She found the floppy hats, but just ones that only stick out a little bit from your head, not the gigantic ‘I’ve killed four husbands’ hats.

CAMERON: The ones that are still smaller than your shoulders.

LAURA: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. Fine. When you put that on him it’s like hanging something on a coatrack. There’s zero reaction.

CAMERON: But it has a tie, so we can tie it under his chin so it stays on, and it’s a big bow!

NICK: You tie it on. You want to throw some comically large sunglasses on him as well?

CAMERON: We try, but they don’t stay on well because his nose is just straight.

NICK: Yeah, he doesn’t have a nose. That’s true.

CAMERON: So, we try.

LAURA: Xianna is trying to get them, and then just puts them on herself. “Ugh. You should get ears installed, or just something so we can put sunglasses on you. It will be fun.”

NICK: “Answer: I do have antennae for hooking sunglasses upon. It is my lack of nose that is causing the issue.”

LAURA: “Oh, well I don’t know, sorry. Oops.”

HUDSON: “You mean you don’t nose?”


NICK: “Sarcasm: Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha… ha.” (laughing) And so you all exit the ship. The little shack that was in the middle of the parking lot slides open and a large aquatic humanoid walks over towards you. Can I get a Xenology check please?


HUDSON: I mean, you can, but…

LAURA: (goofily) You technically can. Is there a difficulty?

NICK: This one’s gonna be average. Really it should be harder than that, but I kind of want someone to get it right.

LAURA: One success, somehow.

NICK: Nice!

CAMERON: Two successes and two threats.

HUDSON: Can I try?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Wow! Okay. This person, you can tell that she is female, she is a Draedan, and some things you know about Draedans are they were—How many threats?


NICK: Aww.

CAMERON: They fall prone.

NICK: Heh. (half dramatic bass noise) No. She has green skin, red eyes, and needle-like sharp teeth. Think kind of like the monster from the Black Lagoon, but a slimmer modern reimagining, so kind of intimidating looking. Those of you with multiple successes, you would know that Draedans in general are fierce fighters and like to stick to large family groups. They’re usually known as really scary combat races, but this one is wearing a very much service industry style blue polo shirt that clashes with her skin and khaki capris. She walks over to you and says, “Well hello there, and welcome to Sesid! We’re so happy to have you with us today. We hope you enjoy your time on your island home away from home. The docking fee will be automatically charged to your accommodations. Please feel free to walk straight to the beach!” She gestures in all directions like a flight attendant, because you can see there’s literally beach all around you. She smiles at you, and you get a really good look at her very sharp, serrated, kind of shark teeth. “We hope you’ll enjoy our numerous tiki bars, our welcoming nightlife, and the peace of our pristine beaches, and relax in our guest lounges. Please reach out to your concierge with any questions.” She hands you a plastic communicator, or plasteel I guess, it’s like the things you get sometimes from various tour guides or things like that where it’s obviously disposable but sturdy enough that it will probably hold up. She just kind of smiles at you. It’s about 3 in the afternoon at this point.

CAMERON: “Thank you ever so much! Where would we check in?”

NICK: “We’ll have somebody take your bags to your rooms if you’d like. The main lobby is going to be about 200 yards that way.” She points down what looks like a boardwalk that was designed to look like it was locally made and kitschy, but the uneven boards—like every five boards the pattern repeats so it’s very clearly fabricated. “Just take our happy boardwalk to the lobby.”

HUDSON: “Happy boardwalk…”

CAMERON: “Heh, alright. Thank you!”

LAURA: “Can we get drinks while we are waiting? (groans)”

NICK: You look to the left and there is a tiki bar with another Draedan sitting there. Because you all are apparently intimately familiar with Draedans, this one is wearing the same service industry polo and khaki capris but is a male, he’s a little bigger, he’s got big old muscles, but he smiles at you. We’re gonna say that your threats, Karma, are that the smile—you know they’re smiling, but it just is innately unsettling to you. It looks very unwelcoming and scary. For Tink and Xianna who did not have threats, they’re smiling at you, they’re being welcoming and kind. He smiles at you and you see him pull out a shaker and start shaking something. One special rule for while you are on Sesid, I have this written in my notes here: literally every part of this planet has a tiki bar. If you want a tiki bar, just say there’s a tiki bar here and there will be a tiki bar.


HUDSON: “Hey! Give me a Shirley Temple, hold the Temple.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “I’m just kidding. Give me a Shirley Temple.”

NICK: “So you just want Sprite…?”

HUDSON: “No. I said I was joking. Give me Sprite with grenadine.”

NICK: “Okay…” He basically hands you a can and peels the top off, and they have pre-made Shirley Temples here. “There you go, large… person.”

HUDSON: “Hey. Respect my—I mean… I’m a kid.”

CAMERON: “You tell him, sweetie. You can stand up for yourself. That’s fine, Tink.”

HUDSON: “I-I can’t drinks yet.”

NICK: “Okay…”

CAMERON: “Also, it’s very rude to point out his size.”

NICK: Did you bring your weapons with you?

CAMERON: My carbine is 100% in the bottom of my beach bag.

NICK: It would fit. We declared that it was very large.

LAURA: Oh, there’s no way Xianna’s fitting anything on her person currently, so she has a much smaller bag and it mostly just has drugs in it.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.

HUDSON: I don’t have my vibro-axe.

NICK: Okay. if that’s the case, he won’t make a comment about your giant weapon. “Sorry for that. We don’t get a lot of… Wookies?”

HUDSON: “I’m a Gigoran!”

NICK: “Okay… Whatever.”

LAURA: “He is adopted.”

NICK: We get a montage of him making drinks for Tink, which they’re canned and ready to go. Xianna, do you get a beverage at the first tiki bar at the parking lot?

LAURA: Yes. She asks for the biggest drink they have, and I’m sure it’s in one of those yard long margarita glasses they have in Vegas and beach resorts.

NICK: Oh yeah. It’s an actual yard long one, not the ones they call yard long that are a foot and a half. It’s a three foot plastic tube shaped like, hmm, funny Star Wars thing… What’s the name of the instrument that the Biths use?


CAMERON: Fake clarinet…

LAURA: Uh… I have no idea. It’s just a tube.

NICK: A Gasan String Drum, a Dorenian Beshinquel, a Fanfar, an Ommni Box, a Bandfill, or a Kloo Horn? I think Kloo Horn… Yeah! I got it! If you were curious, this is what a Kloo Horn looks like.


LAURA: It’s just a clarinet.

NICK: Well, this one looks weirdly like a lightsaber.

CAMERON: Kind of.

LAURA: Well, it’s a space clarinet!

CAMERON: It looks like Rey’s staff.

NICK: Yeah, it does. I think they took this from the Star Wars RPG. (laughs)

HUDSON: An aggressive double-sided dildo.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Yep! Anything is if you’re brave enough. So they give you this three foot long—which is longer than the actual instrument would be—plasteel drink container. It has a lanyard to go around your neck, and it’s shaped like a Kloo Horn, which are those weird fake oboe things that the band uses in the Mos Eisley cantina, so it’s the Star Wars equivalent of being handed a large drink shaped like a saxophone. You’ve got that. The bartender looks questioningly at Karma. He notes the bathing suit and the mom bag. “Are you a cool mom, or…?”

CAMERON: “Can I have a Starship Juice, please?”

NICK: “Ooh, starting off heavy. Alright.” He turns around and does some shaker things and pours you a Starship Juice. For those who don’t remember, what does that look like?

CAMERON: It’s a tiki drink!

LAURA: Yeah!

NICK: Oh yeah! Anyway. We get you all walking along heading towards your hotel. You see a gorgeous beach on the right. You do see that about two thirds of the people here are Human, but there’s a decent mix of non-Human species here. You see some Ithorians, you see a surprising amount of Draedans considering that in the commercial there were none. Most of them work here but there are other ones that appear to be relaxing. You do see a lot of aquatic races, so there’s some Nautolans, there’s some Mon Cals, there’s some Quarren. It turns out they would appreciate the beach more than some other people would. There are tiki bars probably every 30 feet. They’re everywhere, they’re different styles, they have different cutesy names, but all of the drinks coming out of them look about the same. They all have very muscular, handsome Draedan bartenders or very also muscular and handsome Draedan bartenders… They all kind of look similar in musculature. This is not one of the species where the women are all svelte supermodel looking and the men are all Conan the Barbarian looking. They’re all a predatory species that evolved from eating fish and swimming in the ocean, so they all look about the same. And, you head towards the hotel. As you get into the lobby, the hotel itself is a giant, large condo looking building. It is a big, white, square building that is up on pylons, so it’s about ten feet off the ground. There’s a big, grand staircase that leads to the main entrance which is transparesteel rotating doors. You just see a big old line of windows with balconies on every side. It is that same kind of white stucco, it looks pastoral but that is very clearly a façade put over a standard modern building.

HUDSON: I look 90 degrees both ways, mouth agape, just amazed at the wonders of this hotel.

NICK: You also hear steel drum music coming from nowhere, it’s just around. You’re able to go wherever you want. Where do you wanna go?

HUDSON: Check-in.

CAMERON: Yeah, I guess I’m gonna go to the front desk and check in.

HUDSON: “Yeah, I got us the ultra-suite.”

CAMERON: “Whose name is it under, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Mine.”

LAURA: “Okay, but you are a child.”

HUDSON: “Oh! Shoot! Um…”

CAMERON: “It’s okay. I got this.” I walk up to the front.

NICK: You go up to the main desk. The color of the industry polos is different. This is a maroon one.


NICK: There’s another Draedan female at the desk. There’s a couple of people in line ahead of you, but they are able to go pretty quickly. “Hello, and welcome to Thrinaka Resorts.”

CAMERON: “Thank you. We’re here to check in.”

NICK: “Wonderful!” She smiles real, real big. “Did you have a reservation or is this a spur of the moment vacation?”

CAMERON: “We have a reservation. Sweetie, why don’t you go ahead and give them your name?”

HUDSON: “I’m Tink!”

CAMERON: (softly) “It’s under his name. This is a ‘grown-up’ vacation.” Karma’s like, trying to get—we’re letting him feel like he’s taking us on this vacation like you do with small children when the child buys a very expensive gift for the parent.

HUDSON: “This is MY vacation. Mine!”

LAURA: “It is his birthday.”

HUDSON: “It’s my birthday!”

NICK: So, this is all well and good. I as the GM am struggling with when did you make these reservations?

CAMERON: Tink just did it on the computer. (laughs)

LAURA: Tink did it, so who knows.

HUDSON: We had a lot of time.

NICK: He was hacking? He did something from hyperspace, which sometimes you can do and sometimes you can’t.

HUDSON: (laughs) Yes.

CAMERON: No. it was immediately before we jumped again, since we knew where we were going, he made the reservations.

NICK: Okay, that’s fair, just making sure nobody asks us this question later.

CAMERON: (smiling) It’s a good thing for us to figure out.

NICK: It works for me, and it does make sense because you were bragging about the deal that you could get.

HUDSON: Yeah. Crap, you said go visit that guy to get a discount and we didn’t even try. (laughs)

NICK: You haven’t yet, but you could always do it later. Everything gets charged at the end.

HUDSON: That’s true.

NICK: The receptionist says, “Oh… Well, alright sweetie. Tink, huh? It looks like you tried to make this reservation for—“ She’s talking to Karma and Xianna. Her body is pointed towards Tink, but she’s looking at Karma and Xianna. “It looks like you tried to make the reservation for one of our more premium rooms, but those are all spoken for. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to put you in one of the smaller non-view rooms or upgrade you to—“

LAURA: “Upgrade!”

NICK: “Oh—Okay? All we have left is the Honeymoon Suite.”

LAURA: “Yes please.”

NICK: “… Okay! Great! Awesome. That will be just a second.” We get the tippy-tap, because even though this is Star Wars and they have holograms and touchpads and stuff, it’s a hotel so it has to have an extremely clicky keyboard. I think we can all agree that’s how this works.”

HUDSON: “Moms, what’s a honeymoon?”

LAURA: “So, you know when you get married, after you get married you go on a fun vacation, and after that fun vacation that is when you steal everything that they own and you leave.”

NICK: (smiling) “And it looks like your room is ready!” (laughter) Draedans don’t sweat, but she definitely has the sweatdrop emoji. She’s a little nervous and confused about this. There’s a little pad in front of her terminal. “If you just touch your communicators to that, it will give you access to the room. It’s on the top floor. We’ll charge you everything at the end. If you could just let me know what ship you arrived on we’ll link the room to your registration.”

LAURA: “Um…” Xianna looks at Karma (laughs), and then at Tink, because she doesn’t know what the ship is called currently.

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Well… I know what—Call on me! I know what the ship is called!”

NICK: “Alright… little boy.”

HUDSON: “It’s the Morning Despair.”


NICK: “The Morning Despair? Oh, there it is on our records. It’s the only ship that’s landed today.”

LAURA: “Huh, okay. Yes, that is the name of our ship. Yes.”

NICK: “Alright. Most things are included here. Any incidental fees if you want to rent a hover boat or rent any private spaces for receptions or parties, that will all be charged at the end. Don’t worry about it.”

HUDSON: “I want pizza!”

LAURA: “Tink, we can get the pizza in the room, or the bar. You can order food.”

HUDSON: “I want it now!”

LAURA: “We will go back to one of the bars and order you food.”

CAMERON: “Sweetie, let’s go up to the room first and then you can see the view.”

HUDSON: “Fine…”

NICK: Okay. You all go to the lift. You all go up to the top floor. It’s not like a penthouse, it’s not the only thing up there, but whereas most floors have like 65 rooms this one has 5 rooms. It is a much bigger suite. This thing is extremely expensive, and it’s very nice. There are two hot tubs, before you even ask. Everybody has their own room. There are extra rooms. There is a full kitchen. As you walk in there are premade drinks sitting on the bar and a cook is in the kitchen making a meal, and it is a Draedan, and he is very happy and smiles at you. “Well hello there, I was just making you a little something. We’ve got space margaritas already laid out. There’s a pitcher there, just make yourselves at home, and hi there!” Tink is looking eagerly at the margaritas. “Well hi there!” He gives you an orange juice.

LAURA: He would like a pizza please.”

HUDSON: “I’d like a pizza with, um, um, extra cheesy.”

NICK: ‘I’ll make that happen.” He finishes what he was making. It’s like hors d’oeuvre type food, like chips and dip but Star Wars. It’s very hot and delicious. “I’ll just have room service bring something up,” and he walks out.

CAMERON: “Thank you so much.”

HUDSON: “Okay!”

NICK: Whoever is interested in this guy’s butt, it is an extremely nice butt, I just feel like I need to mention that.

LAURA: Nice!

CAMERON: Awesome. Good.

NICK: Those khaki capris… Good look.

LAURA: Are the hot tubs shaped like hearts?

NICK: One of them is.

LAURA: Good, because this is a honeymoon suite.

CAMERON: Is the other one an infinity hot tub, on the balcony? Because it needs to be.

LAURA: Nice.

NICK: Uh-huh. Yep.


NICK: Those are some details about the room. Anything else you want to throw in now for fun details? This thing is EXTRAVAGANT. Oh, there’s rose petals everywhere by the way.


LAURA: One room has to also have a disco ball.


NICK: Okay. Yeah. It looks like they reused and redressed the set from the ship and used it again, because it’s very similar. The bed is not round, but it is extremely large and square. There is a disco ball.

LAURA: No, it’s a heart-shaped bed!

NICK: Oh, obviously it’s heart-shaped.

CAMERON: Nicholas, everything is heart-shaped.

LAURA: Because it’s the honeymoon suite~

NICK: (smiling) Okay. Everything is heart-shaped. Any other details we want for this room?

HUDSON: I look around and go into the first room I see, like run in there like a little kid, and I jump on the bed, and I go “Wee!” and it’s like a water bed so my body starts to go up and down.

NICK: Roll me a force die, would you?

CAMERON: (laughs nervously) Oh no.

NICK: You’re a big old boy.

HUDSON: Heh. Two light side.

NICK: Two light side! The bed supports you perfectly well and does not break or pop or flood the rooms below you. (laughter) Good job. And it’s super fun, and that bed’s probably invincible for some reason.


CAMERON: Tink takes off and leaps onto the bed and Karma just looks at Xianna… It’s a tired mom face. You know that look.

LAURA: “Don’t worry. They make the water beds in these kinds of places really hard to pop.”

CAMERON: “I’m just having flashbacks.”

LAURA: “You know you can—To the water bed?”

CAMERON: “No. No? Well, now I am, but no.”

LAURA: “I don’t know how Nautolans reproduce, so I don’t actually know if there was a water bed involved or not.”

NICK: I mean, kinda.

CAMERON: Honestly, I’m not sure either. (giggles) “But no, I was having flashbacks actually. Tink is behaving very similar to one of my sons.”

LAURA: “Oh yes, with the jumping and the woo.”

CAMERON: “Uh-huh, and the demanding pizzas and… yep.”

HUDSON: “I need to act in character, guys.”

CAMERON: “Tink, there’s no one in here right now.”

HUDSON: “There was the chef!”

CAMERON: “And he left.”

LAURA: “Yes, but we could always pay them a lot more money to not repeat anything, like you always do.”

HUDSON: “We can just tell him to leave.”

CAMERON: “It’s true.”

LAURA: “Or just tell them to leave.”

HUDSON: “There doesn’t need to be money involved.”

LAURA: “Or invite them to the water bed. Well not you, because they think you are a child, but you know, the adults.”

NICK: The doorbell rings.

CAMERON: Karma goes over and answers the door?

NICK: There is a very hot pizza sitting on a tray.

CAMERON: “Tink, your pizza is here!”

HUDSON: “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!” I run over and grab the pizza, and it’s too hot, an di just drop it, but I don’t drop it onto the floor I drop it back into the tray, whatever was carrying it.

LAURA: “Okay. Tink, how about we put the pizza on the counter and you wait for it to cool a little bit?”

HUDSON: “Okay…”

LAURA: “Also, did you have to order extra cheese?”

HUDSON: “yes!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay…”

HUDSON: “It’s so cheesy and so good.”

CAMERON: “… Uh-huh.”

HUDSON: “I’d say it’s dangerously cheesy.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Okay then… Uh… You have your pizza. I’m going to go to the pool now.”

HUDSON: “I guess I’m prepared for it.” I look down at my swim trunks.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: “You don’t want to eat your pizza?”

LAURA: “You can bring it with.”

HUDSON: “I can bring it with.”

CAMERON: “Fair. Alright. Be very careful carrying the tray.”

HUDSON: “Okay, mom…”

CAMERON: (laughing) “If you’re gonna stay in character the whole time, I’m going to too.”

LAURA: “I am not. (laughs) Let’s go~”

CAMERON: “Also, I had a question before we leave. I just want to get clarification on our family setup right now.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Is this for me?”

CAMERON: “Yeah.”

LAURA: “Oh. Did you put real information down, or…?”

HUDSON: “No. Y’all are my moms.”

CAMERON: “Okay cool. I thought that was the case. I just wanted to confirm.”

HUDSON: “yes.”

LAURA: “Here’s the thing though, Tink. If I am talking to someone, do not tell them that I am pretend married and that you are my child.”

CAMERON: “Hey! He never said you were pretend married.”

LAURA: “Pretend parenting together.”

CAMERON: “We’re not necessarily even parenting together… but we are taking our son on a vacation.”


LAURA: “So just do not come up to anyone I am, uh, how you say, chatting up and tell them you are my child. Please do not, unless I tell you to. Sometimes being a responsible parent is a desirable thing for some people. I do not need a 2+ meter child running around at them. That is scary.”

HUDSON: “Excuse me, I’m 2.13 meters.”

LAURA: “That is why I said 2+.”

HUDSON: “Oh. Yeah.”

LAURA: “I don’t know exact heights. I’m bad at math.”

NICK: And the elevator dings open! (laughter) There is an extremely large pool. It’s actually three or four pools stuck together in very organic looking ways. There are swim-up bars and tiki bars on the side, and just a lot of sundrenched vacationers relaxing. There is a wide range. There are some people who look like professional athletes, there are some people who look like suburban dads coming to a vacation, and everything in between, all sorts of different species. You all have drinks and a hot pizza.

HUDSON: It’s cooled by now.

CAMERON: Yeah, the elevator ride, it’s… You can eat it now.

NICK: You have an edible pizza! I’m glad that’s the detail we’re focused on.

HUDSON: I walk and eat. Cheese gets everywhere.

NICK: (laughs) Okay.


LAURA: Xianna’s already in the pool.

CAMERON: Karma grabs some lawn chairs and sets up camp with HK.

HUDSON: Slice of pizza in hand, I cannonball.

CAMERON: Oh gross.

NICK: I want an Athletics check for how disruptive this cannonball is, please.

LAURA: Can Xianna see this coming?!

NICK: Maybe. Why? What does Xianna want to do?

CAMERON: How could you stop it though?

LAURA: Avoid it somehow!

CAMERON: Oh, avoid getting hit.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Easy.

LAURA: She’ll need to push her beach bag far away from the edge of the pool.

HUDSON: One advantage.

NICK: Okay. You do a minor splash. Xianna definitely sees it coming and moves everything out of the way. Also, these are very wide decks around the pool so you’re not too close anyway. Tink kind of side flops. It’s just not great. I think the advantage is that one of the service staff, as you’re in the air, just lightning quick creeps out and takes the slice of pizza from you, and then as you come up for air says, “Please refrain from eating in the pool. Thank you.” Then they walk away with your slice of pizza. The advantage is you didn’t fuck up the pool or get covered in soggy cheese.

HUDSON: “Wait! … I want my pi—Oh whatever.”

NICK: So, you are in a pool scenario. What activities are you doing to relax?

LAURA: Drinking in the pool.

NICK: Sounds good.

LAURA: That is pretty much all Xianna is doing. She is posted up on one of those little in-pool benches so she can sit, and she’s near the bar getting drinks, and kind of just smiling at anyone she fancies.

CAMERON: Did Xianna go into the adult only section of the pool?

LAURA: Yeah. She’s in the little section, one where they have the little sectioning so the water still flows back and forth, and if you really need to cross over you can, but it is to prevent the kids from coming right up to the bar area.

HUDSON: I swim for a little bit in the pool that I jumped into and then I remember there is a kids area with slides, so I get out of the pool, go over to that area, and shenanigans ensue.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Great. As you walk into that area you can see the only lifeguard on duty. It’s a brawny Trandoshan with red trunks and a large swath of white zinc sunscreen on his lizardy nose, and one of the floating tubes that the lifeguards use. He’s looking at you, and it’s definitely the feeling you get if an alligator is looking at you and you are standing by the river it’s in. Trandoshans are scary. At first the lifeguard doesn’t say anything, and then as you start to climb onto the slides and things he blows a whistle which is very impressive with crocodile teeth and comes over to you. “Sir, this area is for children only.”

HUDSON: “I’m seven years old!” And I hold up nine fingers.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: “Uh… They didn’t train me for this in lifeguard school.”

HUDSON: “It’s okay. I still like you.”

NICK: Make me a Deception check.

CAMERON: Can he have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit?

NICK: (reluctantly) He can have a blue die for his adorable sailor outfit.

HUDSON: What is the difficulty?

NICK: Average. I want to flip a dark side point.

HUDSON: Oh, I already rolled it.

NICK: Oh fine. No dark side point.

HUDSON: I have a triumph with a success, two additional successes, and a threat.

NICK: Hmm… So, you succeed at convincing this guy you’re a child.

HUDSON: Like really succeed.

NICK: Is there something you would like your triumph to be used for?

HUDSON: Feels so bad for me that I get to cut the line?

NICK: Could be.

CAMERON: And he fits on all of the slides.

NICK: Okay. A triumph could be that you fit on the slides.

HUDSON: Yeah, I fit on the slides.

CAMERON: Because then you can have fun.

NICK: The threat is, he looks at you and says, “My mistake, but… no running. I’ve got my eye on you, kid.” He lets you go on your way, but anytime you get more than 10% fun shenanigans-wise, he blows his whistle. “That’s strike two ,buddy.”

HUDSON: “How many strikes do I get?”

NICK: “That depends. Don’t go for strike three just in case.”

HUDSON: “Okay… Gah…”

NICK: (laughs) That’s the sound that Tink makes going down the slide.

HUDSON: Wahhh!


CAMERON: He doesn’t want to be having too much fun.

NICK: Yeah, because then you might get the whistle blown at you. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: Karma has setup camp on one of the lounge chairs under one of the umbrellas. HK is in the lounge chair next to her. They’re both just chillin’.

NICK: He’s stuck very awkwardly between the slats in some places because he’s so—

CAMERON: No-no-no, it’s one of the ones that is fully cushioned. We’re paying a lot of money, so we got into the special area that has the really nice squishy lounge chairs.

NICK: Ohh, that’s fair. Okay fine, so he is there sitting completely still. The only way you know he’s not turned off is his eyes are still lit.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna get up. “HK, watch my bag, please.”

NICK: “Acknowledgement: I will watch your bag, and kill any organics who approach.”

CAMERON: “Maybe not kill, but threaten with bodily harm is okay.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: Karma walks off and just runs into the water once she’s in the beach section and goes swimming in the ocean.

NICK: Oh, okay. You skip the pool and go straight to the ocean.

CAMERON: Yes. Salt water is my natural habitat.

NICK: The pool does backup to the ocean. It’s funny that there are as many people in the pool as there is because there’s this gorgeous natural beach right here.

CAMERON: Well, waves suck.

NICK: I disagree.

CAMERON: No, they hurt.

LAURA: That’s what happens at actual beach resorts. Heh.

NICK: I know. That’s why I think it’s great that we did that. That’s fun.

CAMERON: And there are scary things swimming in the ocean that often aren’t in pools.

NICK: Okay. Xianna is flirting with people, or I guess patrolling for people. Karma is swimming in the ocean. Tink is playing on all the slides. That’s how you pass the afternoon. Does anybody feel like they are particularly successful at their restful activities?

CAMERON: I swim in the ocean real good.

NICK: Okay. Do you make any new friends?

CAMERON: Yes, anyone else who’s underwater swimming. We go on an adventure and we look at all the pretty coral.

NICK: So you do snorkeling but you don’t need a snorkel because you can breathe underwater.


NICK: Okay cool. If you ever want to have one of those people come back just let me know.

CAMERON: Cool. One of them is a Mon Cal surf instructor. (laughs)

NICK: Because when I think agile I think Mon Cal.

CAMERON: See, I thought about doing Nautolan, then I was like no I don’t want a Nautolan friend, so a Mon Cal surf instructor. That’s just so much better.

NICK: Xianna, did you make any new friends at the bar?

LAURA: Xianna made a lot of friends. She’s now friends with all the bartenders that worked at that little swim-up bar and a good number of people are good friends with her. She had to pick a fake name though.

NICK: What name did she give out?

LAURA: What did I do? Let’s see…

NICK: What did we call the ship, the Morning Despair?

CAMERON: Yup. (laughs) Are we spelling it like ‘good morning’ or ‘you’re in mourning?’

HUDSON: Oh, that’s a good question.

CAMERON: Because being in mourning is funny, and I kind of want to spell it that way.

HUDSON: Let’s do that one.

LAURA: She told them all her name was Seela.

NICK: Seela, okay. That’s how you pass the afternoon. You all have a delightful time. As evening comes to the resort, you have not ventured super far from the hotel, but this is a pretty good sized island as far as a resort island would go. It’s probably ten kilometers wide and there’s a little tiny manicured pseudo-jungle in the middle, but the rest is all just beaches and relaxing facilities and different adventure activities to do. As the evening happens you see that there’s a couple activities near the hotel where people are tending to gather. There is a large bonfire that is in a permanent pit that looks like they build every night.

CAMERON: With s’mores?

NICK: Yes, with s’mores, and snacks and drinks.


NICK: It’s kind of a meet and greet setup. Then there are some non-tiki bars, some club setups that open mostly at night that you could go to. And then there’s other activities and things. How do you all spend the evening?

CAMERON: Karma definitely takes Tink to go get s’mores.

HUDSON: I definitely go get s’mores.

CAMERON: Because that’s like the accepted kid activity.

HUDSON: I am super excited about that, as an adult and a kid.

CAMERON: Karma is too. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna goes with for s’mores.

NICK: We get a really adorable over-the-shoulder shot of the three of you all sitting on short stools made out of driftwood next to this really big bonfire making s’mores and chatting and laughing.

CAMERON: Four of us.

NICK: All four of you.

CAMERON: We have HK roasting marshmallows as well.

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: With incredible precision.

LAURA: We have him holding the marshmallows.

NICK: Yeah. He’s holding two sticks in each hand and he has them at the exact right distance from the flames, and his wrists are rotating 360 degrees to get a rotisserie effect.

CAMERON: This is going much better than the snickerdoodles.

NICK: Yes. Well, you basically manually instructed him, like close these fingers, hold this like this, begin rotation, maintain until otherwise instructed, because if you were like ‘make s’mores’ he probably would have started close combat with somebody. But yeah, he’s doing that.

HUDSON: Now tell me if this won’t work, Nick…

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: I’m eating s’mores, and suddenly I’m like “Guys, I totally forgot. I signed us up for the volleyball tournament! Including HK!”


NICK: Fuck yes!

LAURA: “Ohh… Um, oh wow…”

CAMERON: “I mean, if I’m drafting a volleyball team, you’re gonna be one of my top choices, Tink.”

HUDSON: “No, no, I just signed up you, me, Xianna and HK, four on four.”

CAMERON: “I know. That’s what I was saying, buddy. I was saying that I’m glad to have you on my team”

HUDSON: “Oh. I see.”

NICK: (fighting laughter) Guys… Guys…

LAURA: “I don’t know how I feel about this!”

HUDSON & CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: No, you don’t understand, on my list of activities for these episodes volleyball is second from the bottom. I’m so happy.


CAMERON: “Alright. When is this tournament?”

HUDSON: “This tournament is first thing tomorrow morning, so we can’t be drinking too much.”

LAURA: “Oh shit.” (laughter) “Tink, do you know how much I’ve been drinking?”


LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’more… s’mores? Is it singular or plural for one singular one?”

HUDSON: “The plural is singular.”

NICK: Agh!

HUDSON: (laughs)

LAURA: “All I have eaten is this s’mores and whatever fruit came in my blended fruited drinks, so maybe we should go to the room, I will eat a pizza and then sleep, so that I don’t die during volleyball tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “That’s probably a good plan.”

HUDSON: “I don’t know about you all, but I’m real excited.”

LAURA: “I am not. I am so sorry, but I am not.”

CAMERON: “What’s your volleyball resume look like, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Well, if I were to write a resume I’d probably make some stuff up and forge it, so…”

CAMERON: “Alright. Great. That sounds wonderful.”

LAURA: “Does anyone know how volleyball rules work? Because I don’t.”

HUDSON: “All you have to do is you throw it up and you spike it. That’s it.”

LAURA: “So you stab it?”

CAMERON: “No-no-no…”

HUDSON: “No. Spiking it is when you take the palm of your hand and instead of caressing the ball, as you would think you would need to do, I’ve learned that you actually have to hit it really hard to the other side of the net, and if it goes in the net then you have to headbutt it over.”

CAMERON: “Oh my gosh. Tink, we have to explain volleyball to HK.”

LAURA: (weakly) “O…kay…”

HUDSON: “No, HK might know already. Maybe HK’s played.”

CAMERON: “HK, have you ever played volleyball?”

NICK: “Obvious Statement: Does it look like I have played volleyball?”

LAURA: “No it does not.”

CAMERON: “Nope, but I figured you were here so I’d ask you.”

HUDSON: “HK, do you know the rules of volleyball?”

NICK: “Conjecture: You might have better luck programming me with the rules before this so called contest tomorrow.”

CAMERON: “Can you do that, Tink?”

HUDSON: “Yes. I can program the rules.”

CAMERON: “You’re really smart with computers!”

HUDSON: “Yeah! I can definitely program them.”

CAMERON: Karma looks around at the other people who are sitting at the fire. (laughs)

LAURA: Xianna looks between Karma and Hank and Tink and just shakes her head. “I cannot do this right now. I am going to the room… Bye.”

NICK: And that will be the end of the episode!


LAURA: “If anyone else wants a pizza let me know~!”

CAMERON: “I’ll take one~”

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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