Transcript: Episode 34 Paradise Lost and Found

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 34:
Paradise Lost and Found

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.

This episode, a huge thanks goes out to TooManyAnts for their five-star iTunes review. Thank you for telling the internet about our show. You’re great. Also, I want to call out that this episode features our first Patreon submitted NPC. The suggestion for the character Nugget is brought to you by Sp4rkleFish. Thank you for your support and for becoming a part of our little corner of Star Wars.

Music this week is Somewhere Sunny, Version 2 by Kevin MacLeod and Shiny Tech by Kevin MacLeod of licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 34! I’m your hosting game master, Nick! Uh… Hi. I have no ideas. … Moving on! Go around the table, everybody introduce themselves, say what character they are playing today, and if you spent any experience points since the last time we played – all 10 of them – then let me know what you spent them on. We’ll start with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter, and I am hoarding my experience.

NICK: Cool.

CAMERON: It’s a measly pile of 10 at the moment.

NICK: Yup. Turns out when you’re not blowing up super star destroyers the experience train comes in just a little bit slower. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi! It’s great to be here, Nick!

NICK: It’s great to have you, Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I’m also hoarding my points, and if you act now you can get Jar Jar Binks as your personal butler for 50% off.

NICK: What?!

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Is that an experience talent tree?

HUDSON: Yeah actually.

CAMERON: Your tree doesn’t–? Oh, I guess you wouldn’t know. None of your NPCs have the Jar Jar Binks butler talent?

NICK: Personal butler? Yeah, you know, the Edge of the Empire developers just really went in on the Episode 1 characters. They just really tried to force that there.

HUDSON: He’ll be your familiar, like—Oh, sorry, mesa be your familiar.

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Oh, no…

LAURA: No… No.

NICK: I forgot about… that, just that character in general. Thanks. Up next we have Laura.

LAURA: Yes. I am Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am also saving my experience points. I’m gonna use mine to purchase Cad Bane as a familiar.

HUDSON: Ohh… Good choice.

NICK: Wear him on your head so you can have dark vision?

LAURA: Yeah. He’ll just stay on my shoulders and then he’ll kind of act as my hat and he’ll have his cool hat. It won’t work at all, but we’ll do our best.

NICK: Double hat. Sounds good. Anyway, before we get started, let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LAURA: One light side.

NICK: Cool. Last time you had landed on the planet of Sesid at the island resort city of Thrinaka. You’ve been sent there to look for a ship called the Tallahassee Quagmire. The crew of the ship had been contracted to smuggle you into a warzone and find the final member of Beta Squad, however you’re not sure when they’ll be on Sesid, so you’ve decided to take advantage of the situation and relax on the island while you wait. You spent a lovely day at the pool and the beach, you made some friends, and then as you waited around a bonfire eating s’mores Tink revealed that he had signed you up for a volleyball tournament scheduled for the next day. Am I missing anything?

CAMERON: Our ship is now called the Mourning Despair, mourning spelt like ‘you are in mourning.’

LAURA: Oh. I just had it written as regular morning.

HUDSON: No. We decided it was M-O-U.

NICK: More punny.

CAMERON: Yeah. Hudson and I discussed it was better with the U. That was the one important fact you missed.

NICK: It’s very important. It will come up a lot.

LAURA: There’s an orange loth-rat on the ship.

CAMERON: Oh yeah!

LAURA: I was trying to think of good names to call it.

NICK: Scabbers.

LAURA: Creamsicle.

NICK: That’s pretty good. So, the packets for your team for the volleyball tournament are handed out around sunrise. Matches will start about an hour after that. Who goes to pick up the packet?

CAMERON: We send Tink.

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna.


NICK: Okay. Great. We’ll come back to that in just a second. Does anyone go to check out the landing board at the space port before your day gets started?

LAURA: Certainly not Xianna. (laughs)

CAMERON: I’ll say Karma does.

NICK: Okay. I think we get a shot of Karma standing as the sun rises at the space port. It’s a parking lot with ships scattered around, but it’s early morning. You’re probably there mid-week. It’s not completely full. There’s sand blowing across. It’s got that light ocean breeze. We get a really cool shot of the sun rising behind Karma as she looks at the board.

CAMERON: I’m drinking a tiki drink.

NICK: Drinking a tiki drink. Do you have big sunglasses on?

CAMERON: Oh yeah. I’m wearing the ginormous hat and giant sunglasses from yesterday.

NICK: So you’re fully vacationing out here.


NICK: You scan through the board and you do not see the Tallahassee Quagmire having arrived since you arrived.

CAMERON: I nod briskly and go and exchange my tiki drink for a new one at the bar that’s right next to the landing field. (laughs)

NICK: The night shift bartender is finishing up so they look pretty tired, but they bring you another one, and they say thank you for your business, and they smile at you. Cool. So… (rubs hands together) Tink, you head down to the lobby to register. You signed up, but the actual registration of the team and everything is handled day-of in case people leave or sleep in or are hungover. It helps them organize it. It’s early, and while you’re excited for the tournament that early morning jitter that you get makes your stomach kind of hurt and you can’t help but wonder why this sounded like a fun activity the night before. As you head down to the lobby it’s all marble floors and light coloring, and you see a Draedan – which is the swamp creature looking aliens that are native to this planet – manning a table in the lobby. It’s got the hotel thing where it looks nice but you can tell it’s not a very nice table cloth thrown over it, and they’re wearing the full hotel livery and sunglasses even though they’re inside. They greet you with a too-wide smile as you walk up. “Oh, are you confirming registration?”

HUDSON: “I sure am.”

NICK: “Great! If you could just put the names of your six team members down we’ll be able to get the brackets in time for the first match.”

HUDSON: “Uh… Six team members?”

NICK: “Well yeah, it’s volleyball, it’s teams of six.”

HUDSON: “Oh… Okay!” (laughter) I grab the sheet and I go over to a table to sign up our six team members.

NICK: Great. Yeah, so you sit down at a bench next to a potted plant – it’s one of those really big ferns that you see in hotels all the time – and there’s the six slots for the team members’ names and the team name, which I guess you’ll get to put down, and your room number, which is going to be pretty easy. As you’re sitting there filling it out you put your own name down, or whatever alias you have. Do you just put Tink or do you put a fake name?

HUDSON: I put…

CAMERON: When we checked into the hotel you did check in under Tink.

HUDSON: Oh. I put down Tink.

NICK: Okay. You put down the various names of you and Xianna and Karma. Is HK playing volleyball with you all?


NICK: You see that there’s two slots. Below the names to sign up it does say ‘must have complete team to enter.’ As you’re looking at that and scratching your head you look up and you see that you’re actually right next to the hotel restaurant that’s currently serving breakfast. You see that a lot of beings are there and they’re dressed for an active day. You can see a couple of other people running around, holding registration sheets, walking through breakfast, and it looks like they’re trying to recruit people to join their teams. If you want to pick up two more team members, probably that breakfast room is going to be your best bet.

HUDSON: Okay. I go to the breakfast room and I go around schmoozing trying to figure out who the team members should be.

NICK: Cool. You have a couple of options as far as team members. I’m gonna give you three, and then if you think up another type of archetype that you would like here you can throw one in. There’s a Kaminoan eating alone. They’re wearing a tanktop and board shorts. The Kaminoans are the really long necked aliens that made the clones on that rainy storm planet. They have like a bobble head. It’s a female Kaminoan, and she has a streak of zinc across her nose. She looks very beach prepared. She’s extremely tall. You also see a very brawny Human with blonde hair wearing a Hawaiian shirt and black shorts, and he has a blonde pompadour combed back and is extremely tan. He looks like he may work for the hotel but it’s his day off. Then, you also see a Herglic which are the big whale people. This one has an orca pattern so it’s black and white spotted. It looks like a street shark from that old cartoon. The Herglic is eating just a ginormous plate of synthetic eggs. That’s the three people that stand out first. Do you see anyone else that draws your attention?

HUDSON: Yes. I see Web-Web.

NICK: Oh god… (laughter) That’s a curveball.

HUDSON: You could allow it or disallow it. It’s up to you.

NICK: I’ll have Web-Web show up. I don’t give a shit. I don’t know why Web-Web’s there… We’ll figure it out.

CAMERON: Web-Web needed a break. Web-Web had a rough time.

NICK: It’s gonna take you a light side point for Web-Web to be there, though.

HUDSON: Let’s do it! (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You’re looking around, and towards the back you see Web-Web who is a blue Gungan with red eyes. Web-Web is wearing vacation gear. They seem very stiff, and you can see peeking out from under their… we’ll say they’re wearing a tankini, you can see heavy bandages across their torso and one that runs up their neck, because you’ll remember they got the shit shot out of them like three days ago. Oh no, wait, it’s been longer than that. It’s been at least a week, right?

LAURA: I mean, usually if you get the shit shot out of you that’s like septic, you know, it gets infected and—

NICK: Boo~!

LAURA: Oaahhh.


NICK: Why did you make whale noises?!

LAURA: I don’t know! I’m so tired. (laughs)

NICK: Yeah, so Web-Web is there. I think it’s been…

CAMERON: After we rescued Tink we sold our stuff…

NICK: You spent a day on the planet.

CAMERON: …a day on the planet selling our stuff and wrapping things up, then Xianna getting laid, and then a day travel, and then hung out with Val…

NICK: The whole Val thing took two or three days.

CAMERON: So it’s maybe been like five days.

NICK: We’ll say five days. You probably saw Web-Web about five days ago, and they got shot up pretty bad. They look pretty stiff, but they’re sitting there, they’re eating a nice breakfast with beans and sausage – it’s an English breakfast, why not – and you are able to approach Web-Web with little difficulty.

HUDSON: “Hey, Noob-Noob!”

NICK: “Um… It’s Web-Web, actually.”

HUDSON: “Oh, sorry.”

NICK: “Why… What are you doing here?”

HUDSON: “Oh. I’m on vacation.”

NICK: “Right, kind of like you were on ‘vacation’ on Engebo 5?”

HUDSON: “Nooo, that wasn’t vacation, that was work. Vacation isn’t work.”

NICK: “Well, I’m also on vacation right now, seeing as I’m still recovering from some pretty traumatic injuries. Do you know how much of you will get burned if you climb out of a Mon Cal cruiser through its reactor core? A lot.”

HUDSON: “You didn’t let me answer, but I’ll take your word for it.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “it’s a lot? Alright.”

NICK: “It’s a lot.”

HUDSON: “Well, I have quite the opportunity for you.”

NICK: “Oh boy.”

HUDSON: “I have a beach volleyball team, and I have specially selected you, Wub-Web…”

NICK: “Close.”

HUDSON: “…to join my volleyball team.”

NICK: Roll me a Charm check?

HUDSON: Oh no…


NICK: How charming is Tink?

HUDSON: Two green.

NICK: hey, okay. This is gonna be a hard check, so that’s three purples, because Web-Web is not particularly predisposed to like you. You could flip a light side point if you wanted to upgrade one of those.

HUDSON: A failure and an advantage.

NICK: Web-Web rolls their eyes at you. Sorry, I’m still processing through all the implications of having this murderous assassin person on the vacation planet with you. Web-Web rolls their eyes and says, “You know, as fun as that sounds, they had to put a lot of my insides back inside after that last time we got together. I’m just really not feeling up to it. The good news is since you didn’t get any threats I’m not gonna start my own team and kick your ass, so that’s a benefit, but I’m gonna have to pass.” So, your options now are you can try and bribe them into joining or you can go try to find some other teammates.

HUDSON: I don’t need them on that badly. I’m gonna not bribe. “Well, good travels to you. Enjoy your vacation… um, (labored) Web-Web.”

NICK: “Hey… That’s pretty good. I don’t know how much head trauma you sustained, but since you seem to mostly do your work with your Intelligence I hope that smarts of yours comes back.”

HUDSON: “Uh, you know, maybe it never left. We’ll see.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: “Tell you what, even if that whole situation did go kinda topsy-turvy there at the end, I’ll come cheer your team on. What’s your team name?”

HUDSON: “Our team name is XD_SpikeIt_XD, you know, to make it that next level of hardcore.”

NICK: “You pronounced an exclamation mark. Is there an exclamation mark in there?”

HUDSON: “No. When you put the XD’s around it you gotta put a little bit of emphasis.”

NICK: “Oh, okay. Great. Well, that’s an original name to be sure. I’ll definitely come out if you make it past the first round. I’m gonna finish my breakfast and probably drink some mimosas, but I’ll swing by.”

HUDSON: “Alright.”

NICK: “Cool.”

HUDSON: “Thank you so much, Web-Web.”

NICK: “Oh, you’re welcome.” You look around and you see that most of the people at breakfast who would probably be interested in this activity have been snapped up and are standing in groups around. You do see some very set piece bland Humans that you could invite, but that’s kind of your options right now.

HUDSON: So none of the people you listed earlier are available??

NICK: No. They’re all on other teams.

HUDSON: (laughs) Great.

NICK: Some of them are putting captain stars on their tanktops and Hawaiian shirts, so their teams may have gotten stronger having recruited them.

HUDSON: “Who wants the chance to make a name for themselves on my volleyball team?!”

NICK: A guy with clear blonde hair and kind of grayish skin, who kind of looks like a CG model that they didn’t add any details to, walks up and says, “Oh hey, uh, my massage isn’t until 3 PM and I don’t have anything going on. I can join your team.”

HUDSON: “Alright! What’s your skillset?”

NICK: “Um… I’m pretty average at things. I’m an accountant, but sometimes I run for exercise in my spare time.”

HUDSON: “Good enough!”

NICK: “Great. Do you wanna know my name?”


NICK: “Okay.”

HUDSON: “You’re good. You’re gonna be… I gotta get two more teammates, so I need One and Two, so you’re gonna be Juan.”

NICK: ‘Uh, I’m Juan?”

HUDSON: ‘Yeah.”

NICK: “My name’s John, so you could just call me John.”

HUDSON: “I like Juan better.”

NICK: “That’s kind of messed up, dude.”

HUDSON: “Okay. You’re John. Sure.”

NICK: “Okay thanks. It’s cool that you’re calling me by my own name.” You’re having that conversation, and you look around, and the breakfast room has completely emptied out. They’re all gone. Breakfast has closed. It’s just you two standing there, and you realize you’re a person down. You don’t have enough people for the team.

HUDSON: Is there any race in Star Wars that’s invisible?


NICK: Tink asks out loud.

LAURA: Sometimes the Night Sisters, but only sometimes, they have to like do a ritual thing.

NICK: As you’re panicking and you’re looking around you feel a limp slap on the small of your back. You turn around and you don’t see anyone, and you look down and see a very peculiar species. It’s kind of fish looking, and… I’m gonna try my best to describe this. It’s kind of fish looking. It’s got a rounded head. It’s probably only about 1 meter tall. It’s extremely short. It has a water collar around its gills with a translator built in. you can see that. It’s wearing a fanny pack. It’s a pale scaled kind of color and has a red tummy, and it has a mouth that opens and closes like Beaker when it talks, but you can’t hear that part because it’s not underwater, so all the words come out of the translator. Oh, and it has flippers instead of arms, and… it’s wearing Crocs. (laughs) “I’ve always wanted to play volleyball.”

HUDSON: “I like your translator. Is that a TX1000?”

NICK: “It’s actually the 1020. You have to get the waterproof feature because of the gills.”

HUDSON: “Oh, that makes sense. Say no more, you’re on the team.”

NICK: “Great. Um… That went better than I—“

HUDSON: “I said say no more!”

NICK: “Okay. That’s fine… Uh, cool.”

HUDSON: “Your name is Talouse.”

NICK: “No, my name’s Nugget actually. That’s fine. I’m excited to play volleyball.” It goes to shake your hand and ends up poking you in the knee with its flipper. They seem very uncoordinated. They look like this.

HUDSON: Oh geez.

LAURA: But less shark, more piranha.

NICK: Less shark, more piranha.

CAMERON: (chuckles nervously)

LAURA: Oh, Nugget…

NICK: They turn to go to the lobby and you see that they have a stepladder about the size of them strapped to their back. You appear to have created your team. So, you write Nugget down on the sheet and you’re good to turn it in. Yeah, so you  have the blandest person that could possibly exist and a… small fish person.

LAURA: Captain Placeholder.

NICK: “How’d you know my last name was Placeholder?”

HUDSON: “Oh, THE John Placeholder?” Nope, I’m not going into that.

NICK: “Actually, my last name is dotSample.” Heh.

HUDSON: Oh, I need to turn in my sheet, don’t I?

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: So, I walk over and I proudly hand the sheet over, but then I grab it real quick. “I’m having second thoughts about the name. Just a second.” I bring it over and I cross out SpikeIt and change it to Rawr.

NICK: Okay. (laughs)

HUDSON: And then I turn it in.

NICK: “Oh! Thank you for entering. You’re actually the last team. We were about to cut off registration. Is this XD_Rawr_XD?” (pronouncing as if it’s all one word)

HUDSON: “You have to just say Rawr with an inflection. The XD’s are implied but silent.”

NICK: “Oh, so the team name is (silly) Rawr~!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Yes!” (laughs)

NICK: I didn’t like doing that.


LAURA: It was great to hear.

CAMERON: Yeah. You have to do that forever now.

NICK: I know, but I’m not happy about it.

CAMERON: And you know what? We’re never leaving this planet. This volleyball tournament is gonna go on forever.

NICK: You’re gonna level up and then join the master bracket.

LAURA: This is where we live now.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Great. So, you are registered. You’re actually the second team to go. They have a couple of volleyball courts in the beach right across the little boardwalk from the hotel, you can see it from the front door. How do you all meet up?

CAMERON: I probably run into Tink in the lobby right after he’s turned in the form, because I’m hiking back from the parking lot.”

HUDSON: “Hey!”


HUDSON: “Wanna meet the rest of your teammates?”

CAMERON: “Sure? Is it more than just the four of us?”

HUDSON: “Yeah, there has to be a team of six.”

CAMERON: “Oh! Great.”

NICK: “Hi. I’m John Placeholder. Nice to meet you.”

HUDSON: No, you were something else.

LAURA: No, Placeholder works. It’s a noun-verb, place and a holder.

NICK: Yeah, noun-holder.

CAMERON: Yup, John Placeholder. Okay~

LAURA: That’s a Star Wars name!

NICK: “My name’s John Placeholder. I’m an accountant with Kuat Shipyards. Hi… Uh, this is my first vacation in several years and I’m excited to make new friends.”

CAMERON: “Nice to meet you, John!”

HUDSON: “A little longwinded. Let’s go to Nugget.”

NICK: “Uh, hi, I’m Nugget. Sometimes I’m too talkative, kinda like John here, heheh, but you’ll tell me I’m sure if that’s the case. I’m very excited to play basket—err, volleyball, err, sports. I am exactly 1 meter tall. That’s a fun fact about me. I’m assuming we’re doing ice breakers. My pronouns are fish and fosh in case you need to do that, but my name’s Nugget, it’s pretty easy to refer to, and uh… I’m talking a lot. Anyway. This hairy guy said I can be on your team, and I’m excited to be here, kinda like John but more like, woo!”

CAMERON: “Well, we’re very excited to have you, Nugget, and I very much appreciate you providing your pronouns.”

NICK: “Oh, I’m just, uh, he/him. I’m… I don’t know, how bland can I go? I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: That’s a good fun fact.”

NICK: “That’s my fun fact, icebreaker.”

LAURA: (giggles)


NICK: That’s what it took to break Laura.

LAURA: I just love the idea of somebody being like, ‘Hi, my name’s John… I like triscuits.’


NICK: I’m gonna use that at the next corporate meeting.

LAURA: As if people don’t like triscuits.

CAMERON: My fun fact, one thing that no one knows about me is that I like triscuits.

NICK: I think at this point we get Xianna stumbling into the lobby with HK kind of supporting her a little bit.

LAURA: Oh, definitely too-big sunglasses and two cups of coffee as well. Yes. Seems about right.

NICK: HK drags Xianna over to the group. We get Xianna trying to bring the coffee cup to her lips but HK has her by the elbow so she’s being led towards the coffee cup trying to drink the sustaining bean water.

LAURA: Yeah, and she’s so tired she doesn’t realize that she has another cup in the other hand and just keeps trying to get that particular cup of caf.

NICK: “Greeting: Good morning. I have brought Xianna to the scheduled teambuilding activity.”

LAURA: (groggy) “What are we doing?”

CAMERON: “We’re playing volleyball~”

LAURA: “Shit. Why?” Heh.

CAMERON: “Yay~ HK, thank you.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Xianna, this is John. He likes triscuits.”

NICK: “Hi, I like triscuits.”

CAMERON: “And this is Nugget. Fish is exactly 1 meter tall.”

NICK: “Hi, I’m Nugget, and I’m really excited to play volleyball with you, and I really like your lekku tattoos. I was thinking about getting a tattoo on this vacation because I thought that it would be a really cool way to commemorate making new friends, but then I wasn’t going to because I was worried I wasn’t going to make new friends, but now I’m going to make new friends because we’re gonna win this volleyball tournament (suddenly aggressive) even if it kills us, (return to pleasant) and it’s gonna be so great, and I’m just really excited to meet you all… and another fun fact is I have this stepladder because sometimes I need to reach things that are tall, and the way my legs are shaped – which are kind of like chicken legs – I can’t jump really well, so this stepstool helps me overcome that inconvenience.”

CAMERON: (giggles)

LAURA: Xianna’s just kind of nodding along with that. “Oh thank you. I have other tattoos as well.” She turns around to the side, and still trying to hold the cup, pulls a little bit of the weird, strappy swimsuit down and there’s a tattoo in cursive Aurebesh that says Jacqueline, and then there’s a little line through it and underneath it says The Afternoon Delight. (laughter) Somebody, somewhere out there will get that reference.

NICK: I don’t get that reference.

LAURA: It’s not The Deep Search. It’s the Afternoon Delight. It’s a Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou joke. Heh.

CAMERON: (staggered exhale)

NICK: I haven’t seen that movie in so long.

LAURA: The little submarine is called The Jacqueline but with a line through it, and then The Deep Search underneath it, because the Jacqueline was his ex-wife.


CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: I also think it’s funny that somehow, within a week, she’s went and got a tattoo and no one noticed. (laughs)

CAMERON: She already has a tattoo. (laughs)

NICK: Oh yeah. Well, it’s been a solid month at this point.

LAURA: Yeah, but a solid month of doing things constantly.

CAMERON: And being on a ship.

LAURA: And being on a ship! Where did she get this tattoo? She probably, while pulling the strap of the swimsuit down, definitely spills coffee on the floor and just doesn’t do anything.

NICK: “Hey, it looks like you spilled some coffee. That actually reminds me of a funny story. There was this time where I got coffee for some of my friends and I brought them all back, and it was pretty expensive because we were kind of at a place like this, and then they were all gone, and it turns out they had left, but then I dropped the coffee because I was sad and I don’t have fingers and it spilled everywhere, and that’s kind of like this except you’re not gonna leave me because we have to win at volleyball.”

CAMERON: “Very true, Nugget.”

LAURA: “True, very true.”

HUDSON: (bothered) “You talk a lot.”

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “Do you do impact? I talk a lot when I get on impact as well, which if we’re going to play volleyball, uh… I did bring my bag with me, right?!”

CAMERON: HK has it slung over his shoulder.

NICK: HK definitely has the extra-large beach bag.

LAURA: “Oh, thank you, Hank. I think I might die without that.”

NICK: “Ha, impact, that’s funny. You know, my friends, the ones that abandoned me, I used to always tell them I’m impact on life… Heh-heh. This is just kind of how I am, actually. I’m really excited to be here and you all seem great.”

There’s a beat of pause, and John Placeholder speaks up. “You know, actually, the same thing happened to me once. I got sent to go get coffee and people left me on a planet with the bill.”

LAURA: ‘Oh, that one I could see. You are very forgettable.”

CAMERON: “Alright. We need to get y’all to the place where you are the person sending someone to go get coffee. Y’all deserve to have coffee brought to you.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s a great idea. Hey big hairy fella, could you go get me some coffee?”


CAMERON: “His name’s Tink.”

NICK: “Oh. Well, we didn’t finish the icebreaker, so… Tink, what’s one fun fact about you? Heheh.”

HUDSON: “I don’t like getting people coffee.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s real fun. That’s great.”

LAURA: “Tink, you have certainly gotten me coffee many times.”

NICK: “Great. Yeah, that’s not aggressive at all. I was just trying to follow the advice. What about the rest of you?”

LAURA: “Um, as you just saw, I have more than one tattoo, outside of the cultural lekku tattoos. I used to date someone named Jacqueline. I no longer date someone named Jacqueline. I am very tired.”

HUDSON: “Does that have anything to do with the tattoo on you?”

LAURA: “Which part? Me being tired?”

HUDSON: “No, the Jacqueline.”

LAURA: “Oh. I got the tattoo while dating her, actually after dating her. I thought it might get her to start dating me again. It didn’t, heh, so now it has a line through it and says The Afternoon Delight underneath it.”

NICK: “Hey, that’s really interesting, but I was just wondering, so like are you dating someone named Afternoon Delight now?”

LAURA: “No. That is just the name of the ship I am on. Also, it is a funny sex pun.”

NICK: “Oh, I get it.” Fish does not get it.

LAURA: “I’m not entirely sure if I am dating someone right now? Maybe? Who knows, I certainly don’t. Heh.”

CAMERON: “You’re at least seeing someone.”

LAURA: “I’m at least going on dates with someone.”

CAMERON: “Because you had drinks first, so it was a date.”

LAURA: “We did have drinks, and I knew her name, so a date.”

CAMERON: “Oh yeah. That was the other requirement. I forgot about that.”

NICK: “Yeah, that’s really interesting. Thank you for sharing with the group. What did you say your name was? I think I missed it. And I need you all to introduce yourselves so I can refer to you by name and not have an awkward pause later.”

LAURA: “Oh, I am Xianna.”

NICK: “Very pleasant to meet you. I’ve turned into Kermit the Frog.”


HUDSON: ‘Why is there so many songs…’

NICK: ‘…about turbo lasers.’

LAURA: Xianna kinda stops, like ‘I just gave my real name… Oops.’

NICK: (laughs)

CAMERON: (laughs) ‘Sheet!’

LAURA: “Forget I said that. My name is, uh, Seela. That is my name, Seela, yes.”

NICK: “Hey, it’s okay Xianna, you know what they say, what happens on Sesid stays on Sesid.”

LAURA: “I mean, they say that about a lot of planets and it’s really never true.”

NICK: “I guess it depends on the amount of evil Empire occupation. Oops, did I say that out loud? We should go play volley—Oh wait! You haven’t given me your fun fact. I like your big hat and your large sunglasses and I like the number of head tails that you have, because it’s more than two, and two is fine but I like more than two because I can only count to two on my flippers. Get it? Because I don’t have fingers? Ah-ha-ha.”

CAMERON: (giggles) Karma’s having flashbacks to when the twins were in the stage that they just kept a constant rambling, but it was two of them, so she’s very used to this.

NICK: Twins must be difficult.

CAMERON: Yup. “I’m Karma. I’m a mom…”

NICK: “That’s cool. Where are your kids?”

CAMERON: “Well, they’re grown up now, besides Tink.”

HUDSON: “I am not your child. Unless you want to start—“

CAMERON: (snickers, giggles)

LAURA: “Yes you are. (forceful) Remember, Tink?”

CAMERON: (through gritted teeth) “You’re supposed to be nice to your moms.”

HUDSON: “Oh yeah…”

LAURA: “Oh yes. I am also your mother.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

HUDSON: “Okay, mommy.”


NICK: “That got real weird.”

LAURA: “It’s okay. I have had many people call me mommy.”

NICK: “Still weird.”

LAURA: “Don’t make it weird. You are making it weird.”

HUDSON: “You’re making it weird.”

NICK: “I’m an accountant.”

CAMERON: “You don’t have to call her mommy.”

LAURA: “Yeah. You don’t have to call me mommy. Also, don’t.”

NICK: “I don’t really know how to respond to that. The only reason I piped up is because I wanted to say as an accountant I’m legally required to tell you that falsifying hotel registrations is a Class 3 misdemeanor under Galactic Code 27164.123-ZetaBetaAlpha.”

LAURA: “Okay, so you are concerned that we possibly, maybe, kind of made a reference to hypothetically be not truthful for our hotel purchase, but you did not care about the illegal drugs?”

NICK: “I’m an accountant, so it’s very specific things…”

CAMERON: “I don’t see what being an accountant has to do with misdemeanors.”

NICK: “Because it messes with their financial documentation when they’re backtracking things. The Galactic Empire requires a certain amount of—“ He talks for probably a full minute.

LAURA: Xianna just stops him and puts her hand up. “Look. I have never once paid my taxes, so I have no idea what you are talking about.”

NICK: He looks like he’s about to throw up. “I think I should clarify that the reason I bring that up isn’t because I would say anything about it but that now that we’re teammates I care about your wellbeing financially, and that’s just a free tip that you probably shouldn’t do that. That’s all.”

CAMERON: “Speaking of teammates, I think it’s about time we headed to the court! Come on, everybody…!”

LAURA: (defeated) “Okay. Let’s go.”

NICK: “Admonishment: We are approximately nine and a half minutes late. At ten minutes we will forfeit.”

LAURA: (laughs) “Oh, okay, everyone go.”

HUDSON: “Run!”

CAMERON: “That is not the case, Hank. (laughs)”

NICK: “Wistful: I sure want to forfeit.”

LAURA: “Me too, Hank, me too.”

CAMERON: “But you’re so good at volleyball now, HK! Tink programmed you last night.”

NICK: I don’t think that happened.

CAMERON: I think it did. We mentioned it at least.

NICK: We get everybody running through the front doors. You can see that there are three volleyball courts taped out in the sand. They have the stakes with the ribbons that mark the out of bounds and everything and the nets have been raised. There is one group impatiently tapping their foot, and there’s a referee with a stopwatch, and as you run out onto the—I don’t want to say court…

HUDSON: It’s a volleyball court.

NICK: Sand?

CAMERON: The sand!

NICK: I guess it is, but… eh. The referee who is a Draedan wearing a black and white striped shirt and extremely short shorts blows a comically oversized whistle. “To everybody, if you could take your positions we’ll go ahead and get started. We don’t want everybody to wait on the next match.” I spent way too long creating volleyball rules for Edge of the Empire, which I will now explain.

Basically, everybody picks a position on the team, like a function that they will perform. Each function works off of different stats. Everybody will roll for theirs. The three NPCs you will assign positions, they will modify other people’s rolls based on where you put them.

HUDSON: There’s three NPCs? Oh, okay, I see.

CAMERON: HK, John, and Nugget.

NICK: You’ve got HK, you’ve got Nugget, and you’ve got John Placeholder. So, the positions that you can be: There are two hitters, and they’ll roll Athletics, they’re like the ones that spike the ball. There are two setters, they roll Coordination, they’re the ones who have to move around and be defensive. There is a defensive specialist that rolls Leadership and based on that can boost other people’s rolls, and then there is a blocker that would roll Resilience. As a group, you need to decide what position everyone’s going to play for the first game.

HUDSON: Which one is the Coordination one?

NICK: Coordination is the setters.

HUDSON: I’d like to be a setter, because I have like 4 or 5 in Coordination.

NICK: Really?!


NICK: Why?!

HUDSON: For times like this, Nick.

NICK: (laughs) ‘I was preparing for volleyball!’

LAURA: What were the first ones?

NICK: Hitters roll Athletics, setters roll Coordination, defensive specialist rolls Leadership, and blocker rolls Resilience. The total successes that everyone will get in their positions will add up to a total that you need to beat the other team.

LAURA: I do have one level of Stalker and my Agility is high enough, and Xianna will almost certainly get a little help in a second, so that will be bumped up even more.

CAMERON: Do you want to do the other Coordination, because then you get your blue die?

LAURA: Yes, so I’ll do that.

NICK: Then, if you win the first match you’ll be able to reassign people to be more successful in the future. One challenge of this is you don’t know the stats of the other people, so based on how they’ve acted you have to assign them to things.

CAMERON: Do we know HK’s Brawn? I got a full rundown of his specs previously.

NICK: Yeah, he’s a 2. He’s now particularly brawny. You get the impression of HK that he is super agile as far as restrained motion and movement but not graceful, because I got a little power gamey when I made him and I didn’t put stuff in stats I thought were not important at the time.

HUDSON: I’m designated trash talker.


LAURA: I have Jump Up…?

CAMERON: … Okay.

NICK: It’s almost like this team was not spec’d to be good at volleyball.

LAURA: Xianna just didn’t grow up with organized sports. Sorry. It’s almost like her planet is sort of a disaster right now, and for a long time.

CAMERON: I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that HK’s not gonna be the best at Leadership. Does everybody else support that?


LAURA: Correct.

NICK: He’s not as bad as you would think. He’s not good.

CAMERON: Yeah, but his Presence isn’t great. I don’t think he’s skilled in it.

NICK: He has a 2 in Presence.

CAMERON: That’s not bad actually.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: I’m gonna nominate Nugget for the Leadership one. Nugget seems inspiring.

NICK: Nugget is the defensive specialist. Tink is a setter.

CAMERON: Xianna’s the other setter.

NICK: You need two hitters and a blocker. The two hitters are doing Athletics. The blocker would be doing Resilience.

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna be the best at both of those. She has a 3 in Brawn, which is more than HK and it’s gonna be more than John. John introduced himself as an average Human which means he has a 2 Brawn.

NICK: Metagaming alert! Wee-woo, wee-woo.


CAMERON: I paid attention in stats. So, I would say we put HK in Resilience and then do Karma and John in the Athletics ones, because Karma has 2 ranks in Athletics, so then at least one person there has the chance to be good. Does everybody support that plan?

NICK: Does everybody agree with this statistic plan?

HUDSON: Yes I do.


NICK: I think with the way that conversation went out we get a brief moment, while the ref is talking to the other team about the rules, of Karma looking at everyone and Tink and Xianna going ‘we’ll do the setting’ and then Karma going ‘hmm…’ just looking at the teammates she has left. (labored thinking noise) ‘Okay, me and John will be up front.’

CAMERON: Doing it in a very supportive mom way, though. Kind of like how I said, “I think Nugget would be very good at being a defensive person and inspiring the team.”

NICK: “You know, that’s so funny. I actually take feedback pretty well so you don’t have to worry. Just a little joke. I’ll support the team the best I can.”

CAMERON: “That just seems like a perfect role for you. John, why don’t you be a hitter with me, and then HK can be a blocker because you’re a sturdy dude.”

LAURA: ‘He is made of metal.”

NICK: “Realization: We ran out of slots, didn’t we?”

CAMERON: “What do you mean?”

LAURA: “Huh?”

NICK: “I was the last choice.”

CAMERON: “No. I just happened to say yours last, but I had great plans for you. I know you can do this, HK.”

NICK: He just kind of shuffles over up front and middle like he’s going to try to block.

CAMERON: “HK, I need you to strike fear into the heart of our enemies.”

NICK: “Acknowledged.”

CAMERON: “Without shooting them. No violence, please.”

NICK: The shoulders slump a little bit.

CAMERON: “I’m sorry buddy. I will try to find you someone to violence.”

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna need rolls from everybody. Karma, you do just a straight Athletics check. John neither adds nor subtracts from positions that he assists in, but you do have a black die. I’ll explain that in a minute. Setters, Tink and Xianna, you can just roll straight Coordination. Xianna, did you do drugs?

LAURA: Not yet! I haven’t weaved it in narratively.

NICK: Okay.

LAURA: But I will. I’ve already marked it on my sheet.

NICK: If you’re going to then you can roll with your increased stat.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It will be average. HK will be rolling Resilience. Basically, everybody roll your stats at average difficulty with a black die.

CAMERON: (chuckles)

LAURA: What just happened?

NICK: (laughs) Karma, how did you do?

CAMERON: Karma got a success and a triumph.

NICK: Cool.

LAURA: Xianna got two failures, but four advantages.

NICK: Interesting.

HUDSON: I have an advantage.

NICK: Oh gosh.

CAMERON: You said HK would just be straight Brawn?

NICK: His would be Resilience, so it’s a green and a yellow.

CAMERON: Oh, he’s skilled in Resilience?

NICK: Yeah.



NICK: And he doesn’t have the black die, because he does not care.

CAMERON: Oh… Okay. (laughs) No, that’s just a straight wash.

HUDSON: Not a good first hit.

CAMERON: Do I need to roll for Nugget?

NICK: Yeah, we’ll give Nugget a roll.

CAMERON: Fish is in a slot of their own?

NICK: Nugget is three greens.

HUDSON: This is Round 1 of volleyball, right, or is this the whole game?

NICK: This is Round 1.

CAMERON: Fish has the black die?

NICK: No, fish does not have the black die.

CAMERON: Fish does not have a black die…

HUDSON: If we win the tournament, how many teams do we have to go through?

LAURA: There’s another school! With more teams! And we just keep going!

CAMERON: But we get new uniforms.

LAURA: Yeah, and they’re skimpier each time!

CAMERON: Nugget got a success and a threat.

NICK: So, here’s the thing. The way this is gonna work is you needed a certain amount of successes as a group to win, right? You have zero successes.

HUDSON: (laughs)

CAMERON: Nuh-uh. I had one.

NICK: You had one, Nugget had one, Xianna had two failures.


CAMERON: Xianna… (laughs)

NICK: But you have five advantages.

CAMERON: And a triumph.

HUDSON: So we actually do win.

LAURA: The other team forfeits.

NICK: So what we’ll say is…

CAMERON: The other team all falls and breaks their arm.

HUDSON: They get explosive diarrhea on the court.

LAURA: We’re a wildcard.

NICK: (smiling) Let me do this. So, because it’s the first round it’s not a pretty game. We have a montage of shots where they go up to spike it and HK is clearly doing ballistics calculations and moving to the spot he needs to be as you hit the ball over, and he jumps, and every time the ball hits him in the face.

CAMERON: (giggles)

NICK: His arms are up but they’re kind of spindly, and just (clang) and he falls down, and gets up, and at some point you hear him start to say, “Expletive: …” and then grumbling really quietly to himself. He blocks a lot of them. Karma is able to get some pretty good spikes in including one that hits somebody in the face and bruises their eye pretty good. Tink isn’t able to help a ton, but he doesn’t make any errors. Xianna runs into Tink several times.

LAURA: Xianna has no idea how to play, and I bet even at one point she just straight up walks off the court to go take impact and then comes back, and she’s confused why that gave them a penalty or something.

CAMERON: It didn’t occur to us that Xianna wouldn’t know the rules, and she never asked.

LAURA: Xianna at one point goes “I don’t know the rules. Does anyone else know the rules?” (laughs)

NICK: Xianna at one point caught the ball and tried to throw it back and the ref called it dead, and Xianna’s like ‘what?!’

LAURA: “What?! I don’t understand the rules and no one told me!” (whiney)

CAMERON: “It was a fly ball.” (laughs)

NICK: (laughs)

LAURA: “I don’t know what that means!”

CAMERON: ‘They’re out, right? That’s a field goal?’

LAURA: “Do we kick it?”

HUDSON: (laughs)

NICK: Okay. You end up losing in the final set of this volleyball tournament. It’s not really close. You win a couple of sets just due to them not being particularly good at this, but as the game is done you all have to meet at the net and shake hands with the other team. The referee says, “Great, and on to the next round. Only four more to go until the championship!”

The people on the other side look like a family of Humans with older kids, and they all look at each other, and one of the players goes, “Uh, well… Actually, we’re gonna have to drop out, because we have a snorkeling expedition that leaves in like an hour, so we’re done. Thanks for playing, guys~”

They walk off and the referee looks kind of confused, and says “Okay… Well, it looks like Rawr~ has won due to forfeit.”


HUDSON: “We rocked it! Yeah!”

CAMERON: Karma gives double high-fives to everybody.

HUDSON: (joyous falsetto) “We did it! We did it~!”

NICK: Nugget unfolds their stepladder and climbs up, and you get the wet (squelch) noise of high-fiving them.


HUDSON: “Why didn’t you use that stepladder the whole game?”

CAMERON: “It kind of limits fish’s movements.”

NICK: “Well, so, I was going to use the stepladder but then Xianna kept cheating in various ways and I thought that the referee wouldn’t really appreciate it, like—“

LAURA: “Wait, was I cheating?! I honestly do not know. Someone should explain the rules to me.”

NICK: “I don’t know if impact counts as a performance enhancing drug per se, but it’s probably at least frowned upon by the conference.”

LAURA: “I mean, probably, it is illegal.”

NICK: “That reminds me of this one time where I had my stepstool and I tried to go get a book off the top shelf but the shelf was too tall, so then I tried to climb the shelf, but my flippers were too slippery because it was on my home planet, and so it was really humid, and when I tried to climb up my flippers slipped off and I fell and I landed on my stepstool and I broke it. This is actually my third stepstool.”

CAMERON: “Aww. That’s terrible.”

LAURA: “How high up were you?”

NICK: “Like, 1.5 meters.” (laughs)

HUDSON: “Not as high as Xianna.”

LAURA: “Oh…”

NICK: “That’s a good joke, Tink.”

LAURA: ‘I have climbed much higher bookcases.”

NICK: “I feel like we’re gonna be really good friends due to our mutual love of climbing things, and also it’s cool that you’re such a free spirit, and I think that you’re great.”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “Thank you.”

NICK: “Great, so—“

HUDSON: “That’s enough from you.”

LAURA: ‘No!”

CAMERON: “No! That’s so rude!”

NICK: “That’s extremely dismissive, Tink.”

LAURA: “Fosh can keep talking if fosh wants to. You are very cute.”

NICK: “Thanks. That’s really good. Um, also Tink, you can talk mean to me if you like, that’s okay.” And we’re gonna get a quick swipe there before I have to elaborate on that.


LAURA: Xianna’s nodding and smiling in the background.

NICK: You all sit on some bleachers waiting for the next round to end and the team comes up again. Everybody, I need you to describe one player on the second round team. This is a team that has won a game already.

LAURA: Oh. What’s the snake person one? It’s one of Leia’s friends in Leia, Princess of Alderaan, like a snake species that don’t have hands. I want one of them to be that. I forgot what her friend’s name was.

NICK: A Sluissi?

LAURA: Sounds right.

NICK: They have arms.

LAURA: Oh. Well, maybe it has arms. I just remember that it was a snake and it definitely doesn’t have legs, because it slithers around.

NICK: Bristol snake?

LAURA: That doesn’t sound right, but…

NICK: There’s just pictures of snakes. We’ll go with Sluissi. They’re just the snake people from D&D.

HUDSON: So, across the court as the team comes out, I see some of the people and one definitely catches my eye. He’s about as tall as I am, it’s a Gigoran who has white fur, about the same height as me. I find out from the roster sheet their name is Tonk. (laughter) Looks really similar to me, like super similar, like facial structure, they even have the same translator box.

NICK: Huh… Interesting.

HUDSON: (laughing) I like throwing you off.

NICK: (smiling) You did hit me with like three curveballs. I like it. They have a Gigoran. You also see as they walk out onto the volleyball court the Gigoran, Tonk, quickly tucks an outlaw data breaker into their fanny pack.

HUDSON: Under my breath I go, “He’s a slicer.”

CAMERON: Walking next to Tonk the Gigoran  is a Nautolan woman…


HUDSON: No~! Yes, okay, this is great actually.

CAMERON: …but she’s wearing a PURPLE headband.

NICK: What’s her name?

CAMERON: It’s Korma.

NICK: So, then obviously there’s a yellow Twi’lek named Xionna, and Xianna you see as she steps out next to you she does a quick bump of what looks like glitterstim and smiles real bright at you. “Oh, hi, I don’t know the rules!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

LAURA: “I do  not know the rules either. I took impact instead of glitterstim though. I have glitterstim. I don’t know why I said that, but…”

NICK: “I have some impact I’m not using. Maybe we can work out a trade later.”

LAURA: “Oh, that would actually be nice, because I do not use the glitterstim at all.”

NICK: “Well, the joke’s on you, because glitterstim gives you psychic powers. I don’t know why moving faster is gonna be better when I can move the ball (whispers) with my mind.”

LAURA: “I actually don’t think that is true. I think that is just like a rumor.”

CAMERON: Then walking up behind her silently is an assassin droid.

NICK: It’s the IG-88 model.


CAMERON: Then there’s a very bland looking Human woman named Joan.

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: (laughs) And a small fish person named, uh… Strips.

NICK: A very small fish person named Strips… or Sticks?

HUDSON: Drips.

CAMERON: I was trying to use chicken nuggets and chicken strips.

NICK: Well, fish nuggets and fish sticks.

CAMERON: Okay, that is very true, so then sticks, yup, but it’s spelled with an X.

NICK: Stix, yeah, and they have a small repulser pad that they keep on their back. You line up to shake hands. Tonk the Gigoran says, “Oh hey, Gigoran. Did you get called a Wookie a lot since you’ve gotten here? That keeps happening to me.”

HUDSON: “Yeah. That happens to me all the time.”

NICK: “Hey, we should exchange like Facebook profiles and like hang out online.”

HUDSON: “I’m not on Facebook. I’m on HackMD.”

NICK: “Oh, that’s funny, you probably tell people who don’t slice to go to HackMD because it’s a mark. That’s cool. I’ll send you my deep web ID. We’ll talk.”

HUDSON: “Yeah! Now you’re talking!”

CAMERON: (laughs)

NICK: Then Nugget walks over to Stix who is more shark looking.

(Nugget, simultaneous with next speech) “Oh my gosh. I haven’t seen anyone from my planet in a long time. That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that repulser lift? I use this stepstool because a repulser lift, I use to have a repulser lift, but the repulser lift…”

(Stix, simultaneous with previous speech) “Oh hey, it’s another one of my species. That’s so cool. You know, I talk too much, but it’s cool to see someone else, and… you know, it’s okay to talk back, we should really have a two-way conversation, you know? Just because we’re on another team—“

And we’re gonna skip away from that conversation, because I can’t handle it. I’m the one doing it. That’s your opponent for the next round. End of episode~

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

LAURA: (hums)

NICK: What have we done?

OTHERS: (singing) For the longest time!

NICK: (late) For the longest time!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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