Transcript: Episode 35 S’more Volleyball Please
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 35:
S’more Volleyball Please
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.
Starting us off, I want to thank our most recent iTunes reviewers. **TheMagicBrian, thank you so much for your review, we’re glad you’re enjoying it. **Somniantis, thank you for your very kind words, the whole crew appreciates the nice things you said. **AstronautCowboy, thank you as well for your review, we really appreciate it and are glad that you look forward to the show.
Once again, this episode features Nugget, our favorite volleyball-playing fish friend inspired by **SparkleFish, one of our Patreon backers. Thank you so much for this character and your support, **SparkleFish.
Music this week is Surf Shimmy by Kevin MacLeod and Porch Blues by Kevin MacLeod of incompetech.com licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0 license.
Now let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 35! I’m your hosting game master, Nick. It’s great to have you here today on the sunny shores of Sesid where we shall not further the plot. Very exciting stuff. We’re gonna go around the table and have everybody introduce themselves and say what character they’re playing today. We’re gonna start with Hudson.
HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play a Gigoran slicer named Tink, and I haven’t used my points for anything because I’m [musically] hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’, what!
NICK: [laughs] Great.
LAURA: … What?!
NICK: It doesn’t matter. Moving on. Up next we’ve got Laura.
LAURA: Hello. I am indeed Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am still confused by what Hudson did.
NICK: We’re all confused by what Hudson does.
LAURA: I mean I’m generally a little confused and tired today, as usual, but now even more so.
NICK: Big. Mood. And up next we’ve got Cameron~
CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan professional beach volleyball player…
CAMERON: …who does bounty hunting on the side.
NICK: Learning something new every day about our characters.
HUDSON: Should I explain exactly what I just did? I was—
LAURA: No. [laughter] It’s funnier if you don’t.
CAMERON: It’s better as a mystery. Y’all know what he did.
HUDSON: Yeah, y’all know.
LAURA: I still don’t.
HUDSON: So, it’s actually me saying hoardin’, hoardin’, hoardin’ like Limp Bizkit does from the song Rollin’ where he goes rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.
LAURA: Oh. It’s not funny anymore. You explained it. [laughter] You can’t explain it! This is all gonna get cut.
HUDSON: Maybe not.
LAURA: Who knows!
NICK: Maybe not. So, before we get into a recap of the episode let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!
CAMERON: One dark side.
LAURA: Two light side.
HUDSON: Two dark side.
CAMERON: Oh no.
LAURA: I tried, everyone. I tried.
CAMERON: Good job, Laura. We appreciate you.
NICK: Alright. Last time you were enrolled in a volleyball tournament. Tink had to recruit two more players, tried to bring on Web-Web who turns out is on Sesid for some reason, did not manage to convince them that playing volleyball while they are currently gut shot was a lot of fun or a good idea, but did manage to recruit two other people: John Placeholder and Nugget, the Neelabi vacation taker who just happened to be around. You had your first volleyball match and managed to win due to forfeit, just barely, and you were about to start your next match which was against some weird alternate dimension mirror team of yours, a team comprised of Tonk, IG-67, Korma, Xionna, Stix, and Joan. Yeah. So that’s where we’re going to start off.
The camera will pan up the sun. It’s probably about 10:00 at this point, maybe 11. The sun is getting kind of high in the sky. The referee is handing the ball off to the first side to start, and the two teams square off in a weird mirror image of each other. It looks like art and fan art. It’s just very close to the same thing. We’re gonna go ahead and roll to see how this game goes. Do you all change positions at all?
CAMERON: I think we actually… Everyone’s positioning seemed good last time, it’s just all the rolls were shitty.
NICK: Yeah. You were getting black dice due to one person’s position, but that’s fine.
HUDSON: So, I practice my trash talk by yelling at the ref. “Hey ref, get off your knees! You’re blowing the game!” Even though the game hasn’t started yet, like it’s just practice.
NICK: “Oh, thank you sir! What great heckling. I’m sure that won’t influence my opinions on your team’s performance.”
LAURA: “Tink, do not heckle the referees, please.”
CAMERON: The great thing is that Tonk yelled that at the exact same time.
HUDSON: Not the exact same time.
NICK: No… Tonk did yell something at the same time. I’m trying to think of something you would yell at a ref that’s not horrendously offensive.
LAURA: ‘I like your shorts…!’
HUDSON: ‘Clap, clap, BULLSHIT.’
NICK: Tonk yelled, ‘Ref, you’re not wearing your glasses, because that call was dumb!’ at the same time.
NICK: Yup. The referee just smiles at both of you with that giant, slightly unsettling sharky grin. Yeah. Are you changing positions around or are you keeping them the same?
LAURA: Can Xianna do some sort of Perception check to figure out who didn’t do great in their position?
NICK: You don’t have to. You could just ask me.
LAURA: Oh, okay. What should we do? [laughs]
CAMERON: [laughing] We would like to do a Perception check.
LAURA: ‘Dear game master…’
HUDSON: ‘Dear God.’
LAURA: I was about to say game leader, because I couldn’t remember what it was.
NICK: ‘Dear Rule Sayer,’ [laughs]
LAURA: ‘Dearest Game Leader.’
CAMERON: ‘Dear Camp Counselor,’
LAURA: ‘Please tell us what we are doing wrong. We are so small, and so tired, and have no money.’ [laughs]
NICK: So, you think back to the way the last game went, and it all went pretty well, everyone played their positions well, but there was something about Nugget’s constant attempts at leadership that was extremely distracting. There were times where you were about to go for a hit and Nugget would go “Oh wow, great job, keep it up guys,” and it was just at the wrong time and things didn’t go quite as well as they could have. But yeah, you look back on it and Nugget, while trying hard and actually doing a decent job on the defensive side, as far as being a leader on the team was very distracting. That’s what was distracting you, Nugget just maybe not the best leadership skills. Fish means well, fish tries hard, fish is not a great leader. Now you’re stuck with where do we put Nugget.
LAURA: What did that particular position require as far as a roll?
LAURA: Leadership is Presence… I have no points in leadership, but a 3 in Presence.
HUDSON: I have no points in Leadership, but a 2 in Presence.
LAURA: So definitely not you.
HUDSON: Yeah, not me.
NICK: Looking at it from the game, if you were to move Nugget to a more tactical position, it would probably result in a black die going to whoever their partner was in the position, because if you want them to be, say, a setter they may get in the way of the other setter, whereas with the defensive specialist they bounced around enough and didn’t really impact one person too much.
CAMERON: Basically it’s all three of us can have black dice by getting distracted from Nugget yelling at us or Nugget’s partner can get a black die.
NICK: Two black dice.
CAMERON: Two black dice?
NICK: Not tremendously physically gifted, this one.
LAURA: Okay, but hear me out… What if I give Nugget some drugs? Just what, what happens?
NICK: And, we drop into in-character conversation.
LAURA: [laughing] We’re doing a huddle. “Okay, so Nugget, fosh is not good at this game. So short, very short.”
NICK: ‘Hey, I’m like right here, and that’s not super nice. I do have my stepstool. I think I compensated pretty well.”
LAURA: “I know, I know Nugget, but you—I don’t think they’d let you have the stepladder in the game.”
NICK: “Well, my new best friend Stix over there has fish’s hover pad.”
LAURA: “Do you have a hover pad?”
NICK: ‘No. I have the stepstool because the hover pads aren’t as reliable, like they have breakdowns, so I have this stepstool, but I could technically use it, it’s just gonna take a little while to set up and make sure it’s stable and inspect the footing every time because that’s how you have to be safe by galactic standards, but then you can—“
LAURA: “I don’t think that’s gonna work for how fast this game moves.”
CAMERON: “Especially not on sand.”
LAURA: “I’m only just understanding the rules and it does not seem like that would work. What if you take some impact or some glitterstim and maybe you could jump higher? That other Twi’lek said that the glitterstim could make you psychically move the ball. I don’t know if that is true or not.”
CAMERON: “That is false.”
NICK: “Well now I’m kind of conflicted, because I’ve never done drugs before, but I’m not against drugs. I don’t think this would be like a peer pressure thing, because you know I’m on vacation, I’m willing to try new experiences.”
LAURA: “Oh yeah, no pressure, just if you want them I have them.”
LAURA: “You also could… jump higher? Can you just do that? I don’t know. We can build you a little mound of sand in one area, and then you can stand on the mound of sand and be higher up.”
NICK: Nugget’s legs look kind of like chicken thighs if you turn them backwards. They’re very small and they have inverted knees and long ankles, and they’re not super flexible. They would probably be good for swimming but not great for jumping. Nugget just kind of gestures at fosh’s legs. “So, yeah, jumping’s kind of hard. That’s why I have the stepstool actually. But you know, I’ll play whatever position you want, I’m fine with that, and I could take some drugs. I’d take some drugs. Yeah. Let’s do some drugs. Let’s see how that goes.”
LAURA: “Do you want impact or glitterstim? I have both!”
NICK: “Which one did you take earlier?”
NICK: “I’ll take glitterstim.”
LAURA: “Okay cool!” [laughs] I give fosh some glitterstim.
NICK: Nugget just kind of takes it and shakes it like fish flakes into their breathing collar, like the little water tank around their gills, and it floats through and dissolves into the water. I forgot to mention that Nugget’s wearing goggles over their eyes with water in it so that they can see better and their eyes don’t dry out. You see their eyes widen real big under the goggles and they’re kind of jittery, and fish goes “WHOOOAAA…”
CAMERON: I’m gonna say while these drugs were happening Karma had gone over to talk to the ref and see if the hover board and the stepladder could be used in regulation play, so Karma does not see the drugs being handed out to the people who previously were not doing drugs.
LAURA: Xianna’s just kneeling down, like “Okay, don’t look at the sun.”
LAURA: “It’s going to seem very pretty, but you don’t want to look at it. It is too bright.”
LAURA: “Two! Make sure you drink lots of water. Okay? Lots of water.”
NICK: [slowed down] “I’m 90% water…”
LAURA: “Yes, that is why it is so important to drink water, so that you don’t get dehydrated and shrivel up into a little dried fishy.
NICK: “Drink water. Stare at the sun. Got it.”
LAURA: “Don’t stare at the sun! Don’t. It will hurt your eyes. You won’t notice though, because of the pretty colors.”
NICK: ‘Oh. Okay. I see how this could work. I’m sort of getting used to it. How come there’s seven balls floating around? I thought we just played with one. Maybe those are like Nautolan rules? This is pretty cool.”
LAURA: “We do. No, that is the drugs.”
LAURA: “This might make it worse.”
NICK: “Yeah. This doesn’t seem like I’m gonna get better at volleyball this way, but let’s try it and see how it goes.”
LAURA: “We will just try it, and if you don’t like this you can just sit on the sidelines until that passes. Yes.”
NICK: “I feel like my voice is really changing registers sometimes…”
LAURA: “It is! It definitely is. Yes. It’s okay though.”
NICK: ‘Huh… Is that like a thing that happens to people when they take glitterstim? I’ve never—“
LAURA: “Yes, it is. Different drugs, many drugs do that.”
NICK: “Okay. Oh… Alright.”
LAURA: “Anyways. We have to play volleyball I think. Do we? Yes.”
NICK: “Alright. Where am I playing? Am I still doing the same thing?”
CAMERON: Karma comes back over. “Okay, so the ref said—“
CAMERON: “Yes Nugget?”
CAMERON: “Hi sweetie.”
LAURA: “Nugget did some drugs.”
CAMERON: “… Oh great.”
NICK: “I did glitterstim and it’s been a lot of fun but at times seems to be sort of like this ever changing stream and it’s not linear anymore. Is that bad?”
LAURA: “It’s going to be fine. It is not linear so they are going to know where the ball is before the ball gets there. It will be great.”
NICK: “We simultaneously won, lost, and haven’t started yet.”
LAURA: “They asked for it.”
NICK: “I did ask for the drugs.”
LAURA: “Fosh asked for the glitterstim. No peer pressure. I don’t do that.”
LAURA: “I think we are going to lose.”
CAMERON: “Nugget, the ref said that as long as you and your friend on the other team, Stix, both decide that y’all want to use your stool and repulser thing then y’all can use them, but y’all have to make the decision together so that it’s fair.”
NICK: “Okay! Let me go talk to the other guy real quick…”
CAMERON: [forced cheery] “Okay~”
NICK: Nugget wanders off to the net. You can see that Stix seems really jittery like they have taken something as well, and they both start talking and laughing, and it ends with them both sitting down, back to back, staring up at the net just waving their flippers in the air.
LAURA & CAMERON: [giggles]
LAURA: “Okay. I just offered if fosh wanted any, and fosh did. I wasn’t going to use the glitterstim anyways. Oh shit! I was going to trade it with the other Twi’lek for more impact!”
CAMERON: “It’s okay, I think—“
CAMERON: “I think Nugget’s friend took impact as well, so the other Twi’lek seems to be down a dose there too.”
LAURA: “Oh, okay. We can still do an even trade. Okay good.”
CAMERON: “I feel like this might be taking advantage of Nugget slightly, even if you’re not doing peer pressure, and I know you’re very respectful like that, but Nugget doesn’t appear to me to be a person who has a lot of experience with friends… given the stories that fosh was telling earlier, so I just feel like fosh might have taken the drugs to fit in.”
LAURA: “I did actually try to get them not to, just a little bit, maybe not as much as I should. Anyways, I think it will be fine. I told them not to stare at the sun.”
NICK: The camera drops from Karma’s and Xianna’s faces down three feet and you see Nugget suddenly standing there. “Hey guys. What are we talking about?”
CAMERON: “We’re just about to start this game, Nugget.”
NICK: “Great. I’ve got a stepstool. I think it’s wearing off. Everything seems fine now except for that the sand is on fire… but it doesn’t feel hot so I’m sure it’s fine.”
LAURA: “It’s fine. Yes.”
NICK: “Great. Let’s do this thing.”
LAURA: “Let’s play.”
NICK: “Am I still defensive specialist? I think that’s how this conversation got started.”
CAMERON: “yes, you are. You did a great job last time.”
LAURA: “Are you? Okay!”
NICK: “That’s good. I tried to really make sure that all of my encouragement and strategic advice was personalized for each person’s preferences. I’m really glad that you noticed. I tried really hard.”
CAMERON: “Really appreciated that. I felt very loved.”
NICK: Alright, let’s roll some dice.
LAURA: Also, I would just like to state that I have the rules for glitterstim written on my page and I didn’t look at them until after I gave Nugget the glitterstim.
NICK: What does glitterstim do?
LAURA: Adds three boost dice to any Perception and Vigilance checks.
NICK: Super useful.
LAURA: Very useful. So we still have the black die?
NICK: No, we’ll take the black die away.
NICK: Because Nugget’s a little more wrapped up in fish’s own problems at this point.
HUDSON: A success and three threats.
CAMERON: Karma just got four advantages.
LAURA: Xianna got three successes and one advantage.
CAMERON: What was Nugget’s roll? Nugget was three greens for Leadership?
NICK: Yup, with a blue die actually.
CAMERON: With a blue die… Oh, good job, Nugget. That was useful. Nugget got two successes. HK was… two successes.
NICK: Wow. John once again contributes nothing but stays out of the way, staying net zero. You’re actually extremely successful here. You ended up with two advantages and like seven successes. Yeah. You slaughter your alternate selves. It’s not even close. The little differences in the crew become extremely apparent as they are even less specialized in volleyball than you are. Xionna is extremely distracted by the hallucinogens that they’ve taken and is basically windmilling around not hitting the ball. She punches her friends a couple of times. Tonk is much more interested in the Star Wars Pokémon Go stop that is nearby [laughter] and keeps trying to catch space Caterpies instead of play the game. Korma is a much more helicopter mom, constantly critiquing people and being a little less supportive and a little more aggressive in her advice, which doesn’t go well. So you win three sets straight, knock them out, you go to shake hands, and you are off to the next round.
What we’re actually going to do is montage through a couple of these, because I said there were four rounds. We’ll skip the next one. It’s against another series of placeholder teams. They look like the Mandalorian models from Clone Wars. It’s two different guys, three each of the two different guys, and that’s a pretty neutral game. Before we get to that, you go to shake hands with the other team. Do you say anything to the various people?
LAURA: Xianna goes to shake hands and she has her three little vials of glitterstim in her hand and she only goes to shake hands with Xionna.
NICK: Xionna shakes your hand, feels the vials, and goes “Ohhhh… Right! Hey, here’s the impact you wanted!” and hands you three baggies of impact.
LAURA: [laughs] Xianna holds out her hands and takes them, just cupped holding bags of impact. “Okay, thank you! Hank! Hank, you have my bag. Where is my bag? I have drugs!” Heh.
NICK: “Commentary: I have left your bag over on the sidelines as it would impede my movement.” You can see it’s got sand kicked on it. People have obviously been talking around it and messing with it.
LAURA: “Hank! What if someone stole my drugs?!”
NICK: “Observation: That seems like a personal problem.” Hank goes over and goes to do a handshake with the IG-67 droid and their fingers kind of click and there’s a spark. Tink, you can almost sense the ones and zeroes passing between them, and they step away and HK says “Acknowledgement: You are a worthy foe.” And walks away. The IG-67 droid spins all those weird camera lenses on its head and just beeps for a second and walks off.
CAMERON: Karma walks up to her mirror image.
CAMERON: Korma. [laughs] Korma sounds so country.
NICK: Yeah, you beat me to it.
CAMERON: Alright, so that’s Korma’s accent. “Good game!” And shakes her hand.
NICK: “Aw, why thanks. Bless your heart. You know, my team just never really, uh, put it together. I’m gonna have to talk to them about working harder as a crew. I think they’re a little distractible.”
CAMERON: Karma’s eyes go real big as Korma starts talking. [laughing] She’s like no, no, no.
NICK: “Why, what’s the problem, hun?”
CAMERON: “Nothing! Good game. I’m very inspired by the way you led your team.”
NICK: “Well, you know, sometimes you can’t baby people anymore. You just gotta tell ‘em to suck it up and get good.”
CAMERON: “Yep. I’m sure that’s gon’ work out. Gosh darn it. I am sure that is going to work out great for you.”
LAURA: ‘I am person.’
CAMERON: Yup. I do not have an accent!
NICK: [musically] It’s contagious as hell~
CAMERON: Catching the accent was in character. That was Karma catching the accent.
NICK: “Well, it’s all fine. I’ll be seeing you around. You staying a couple more days?”
CAMERON: “I honestly have no idea, but I really like your headband.”
NICK: “Aw, well thanks. Goodbye.”
NICK: Nugget and Stix walk up to each other and you all overhear them talking. Nugget goes, ‘Hey, don’t you think it’s a little weird that like we’re kind of the same group. It’s like someone made some cruel joke and just did a pallet swap, and there’s two—Isn’t that kind of weird or is that just the glitterstim talking?”
Stix goes, “Oh no, it’s definitely the glitterstim. These are two very distinct groups. We’re all our own individuals. I’ll be seeing you around. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” They hug, but it’s like two penguins trying to hug, because they have their little flippers, and Nugget totters back to you.
LAURA & CAMERON: Aww~
NICK: Tonk doesn’t even come to the net, he just sends a text to Tink’s com that’s like “Hey. Found your info. Will be in touch,” and like winks at you and walks away.
HUDSON: Tink replies, “mkay lol.”
CAMERON: Deadpan. Lol
NICK: Cool. We get back to the placeholder Mandalorian team that you’re able to beat and we are in the finals!
CAMERON: [hums trumpet victory tune]
HUDSON: [makes air horn noises]
LAURA: [one long air horn noise]
NICK: There is one person with an air horn doing that.
CAMERON: Someone else has a vuvuzela.
[several make long, deep horn noises]
NICK: Good harmonizing. So, the camera does like in a sports video game before you actually start playing, how it does all the scenic shots of the arena. It pans up on the crew of the Afternoon Delight & Co. who are stretching out. You have been pretty successful. I think at this point everyone’s a little bit cocky. Nugget looks a little dizzy and is sweating slightly, which is interesting because they’re an aquatic species, but it looks like they’re coming down off of their glitterstim a little bit. The camera pans around, it does a sweeping shot, you hear all this crowd noise [hiss of cheering]. There’s four people in the stands, because no one’s waiting for their games because this is the final and everyone else had snorkeling and stuff to do, they didn’t really feel like watching.
CAMERON: [chants] White Wookie, White Wookie, White Wookie!
LAURA: [joins the chant]
HUDSON: [laughs] All four of them.
NICK: One of the people in the stands is Web-Web who is calmly cleaning their nails with their vibro-kukri and looking very intimidating, but also supportive. I think Tink makes eye contact with Web-Web and Web-Web gives him a smile and a thumbs up. The camera pans over to the other team and it is a group of Fillithars. For those of you who are not familiar with Star Wars, that’s the species that Leia was friends with in one of the comics—
CAMERON: You’re so full of shit!
LAURA: Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a book! And it was one of the other junior council members. They were a snake.
HUDSON: [mockingly] For those of you who don’t know Star Wars…
LAURA: For those of you who don’t know, let me say everything incorrectly.
LAURA: [mockingly] I think Leia, Princess of Alderaan is a comic~
NICK: I haven’t read shit!
NICK: Anyway. Fillithars, they’re a snake-like species with no arms or legs, so they’ve done surprisingly well to get here. They’re all wearing purple jerseys, but they’re kind of tied around their necks and just flopping, because they don’t have arms or legs so it’s hard to wear. They come in and they’re thumping their heads in the sand, and you get a [thump, thump, hiss (x3)]. Their team name is Galactic **Gym, and—
CAMERON: [sighs heavily]
NICK: [laughs] The referee invites you all to shake hands which is a little awkward.
CAMERON: [smiling] We all just give hugs.
HUDSON: Wait, do we have a coming out song?
NICK: You are all already out. It’s weird that they have one.
HUDSON: Oh, okay.
CAMERON: [laughing] We do not make our own music.
HUDSON: No, we don’t need to make our own music. I was thinking—What’s a Star Wars race that’s like a dragon?
CAMERON: A krayt dragon?
HUDSON: Oh, they actually have dragons?
LAURA: Yeah, there are actual dragon things.
NICK: There’s a big old dragon.
HUDSON: So we walk out to Imagine Dragons then.
LAURA: Imagine Krayt Dragons.
HUDSON & CAMERON: Imagine Krayt Dragons.
NICK: Ugh. I don’t like that at all.
LAURA: Imagine Zillo Beast.
NICK: No other teams have done a synchronized entrance or anything. Most of them have just walked up like hey, let’s play some volleyball. This is a little weird that they have this choreographed entrance. From the way the ref’s smile is kind of frozen on his face he has seen this every round and it still weirds him out a little bit. [others chuckle] “Everybody, if you’ll shake hands at the net we can get started.” You get to the other team and they don’t have arms, and it’s a little awkward.
LAURA: “Excuse me, referee! What do we do if certain species do not have arms and therefore hands?”
NICK: “You know, it doesn’t come up that often considering we’re playing volleyball, but—“
CAMERON: “However, you have had this team play in three other games, so you would think that you would have figured out this wording at this point.”
LAURA: “Do we head bump? I’m going to head bump.”
NICK: [laughs] You go up and you head bump the biggest Fillithar, and he says “Sss… Thanks. That’s pretty cool. That is actually our cultural version of a handshake. That’s really neat that you know that. I appreciate that.”
LAURA: “Oh, I guessed, but thank you!”
HUDSON: I blew a kiss instead of shaking a hand.
NICK: One of the Fillithar blushes furiously and slithers to their position. Nugget carefully unfolds their stepstool and climbs to the top and tries to head bump, but they don’t really have a waist, they just have a torso that connects at the hip so by leaning forward like that on the stool they start to lose their balance, and the Fillithar they’re opposite of head bumps them and leans them back up onto the stool so they don’t fall off… and the game is set to begin.
CAMERON: I like this team. They’re good people.
NICK: “Sss… Have a good game.”
CAMERON: “You too!”
NICK: And we’re gonna roll for the CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND.
CAMERON: Karma got one success.
LAURA: Alright. Xianna got a triumph with a success and four additional successes.
NICK: Whoa. Okay.
CAMERON: HK just got a triumph.
HUDSON: I have three successes and a threat.
CAMERON: And Nugget got two successes and one threat.
NICK: We only got two threats on the roll, guys. Bummer. So, I think the threats are that it’s pretty much mid-day at this point and it’s really hot and you all take some strain damage. You take a couple of strain. You don’t really need to mark it down. I can’t think of a reason that would be important.
CAMERON: [laughing] Okay!
NICK: If you get into combat immediately after the tournament I will remember, but otherwise you’re good. You win, strongly. You ended up with two triumphs and like eight successes.
HUDSON: Do we break their nose by spiking a ball in their face?
NICK: You would, but their noses aren’t really breakable because it’s part of their skull, so like you bruise a nose.
CAMERON: We keep scoring extra points because when we spike it we’re hitting down in between their coils and it counts as a basket.
CAMERON: [laughs] That’s how volleyball works.
NICK: That’s how volleyball works. Well, it does when you play giant snake species.
NICK: I’m gonna say that your triumphs go towards… It’s a really fun game, it’s close but you feel pretty confident about it. The other team is really well organized, they work well together, they’re very good at volleyball since because they are very long they can stretch out and get their heads under the ball very easily, but you’ve really bonded as a team. Both teams have a great time. You win towards the end, but everyone really feels like they’ve developed as people and come to know their teams better.
NICK: The sun begins to go down, we’re getting into the afternoon as you win. The referee blows the final whistle on their giant, oversized whistle. “Wow guys, the winners are… Rawr~. Thank you so much for playing with us today.”
LAURA: “What do we win?”
NICK: “You win this championship cup!” They hold up a coffee mug that says Thrinaka Resort Volleyball Champions, and it’s got sparkles baked into the clay so it’s very nice.
LAURA: “Wait. It is just a coffee mug? There’s no money?”
NICK: “It’s the championship cup!”
HUDSON: “It’s accolades.”
LAURA: “Fuck you!” Heh.
NICK: “This is an activity planned for your relaxation. That’s the real winner.”
LAURA: “Ugh. Tink… Tink, what the hell, man? Why would you do this to us?”
HUDSON: “I never said there were prizes beyond—“
LAURA: “I assumed you signed us up because there was like a cool grand prize of like money.”
CAMERON: Karma has walked over to her bag and has gotten water bottles out and is passing them out to everybody on the team.
NICK: And oranges?
LAURA: Orange slices?
CAMERON: Orange slices, and little bag apples.
HUDSON: And Capri Suns.
NICK: The referee has set the mug down in the sand near Tink and has started to back away, and when he gets to a safe distance he just turns and starts instructing people on tearing down the volleyball area.
LAURA: “I might hate you just a little bit.”
HUDSON: “Might eat me?”
LAURA: “hate you.”
HUDSON: “Ate me…?”
HUDSON: “Oh, hate me.”
LAURA: “I really tried to put an H in there for you.”
HUDSON: “Oh. Hate me, okay, got it. So, you shouldn’t hate me. Hear me out. This brought us closer together as a team.”
NICK: I spent the triumphs to bring you closer together as a team.
CAMERON: The greatest prize was the friendship we developed along the way.
HUDSON: “Listen, I don’t know about you, but I’m about to invite John and Nugget to join our team permanently on the Afternoon Delight.”
LAURA: ‘Oh, okay, so about that…”
HUDSON: “Great, it’s done.”
LAURA: “I would accept Nugget—“
HUDSON: “Nugget! John!”
LAURA: “No, just Nugget.”
LAURA: “No John.”
HUDSON: “John and Nugget.”
LAURA: “No! Just Nugget.”
NICK: [laughing] They’re both like within ten feet of you.
HUDSON: “Attention, John and Nugget!”
NICK: “yeah, what’s up? I’m really happy about how this went. I feel like triumphantly that we really bonded together and I really appreciate these personal relationships.”
LAURA: “Yeah… John… Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee please? I’m just very tired.”
NICK: “You know, normally I would be suspicious of that kind of behavior, but now that we’re such good friends and we’re the champions of the volleyball tournament, of course I will, friend.” He goes to chuck you on the shoulder and then reconsiders and stops, and then just clicks his tongue and runs off into the lobby to go find coffee.
CAMERON: [laughing] All I can think of is ‘This is a triumph, I’m making a note here, huge success.’
HUDSON: [laughs] ‘It’s hard to overstate my satisfaction.’
LAURA: The moment John has turned away Xianna turns to everyone else. “No, we are not asking John to join the crew. So forgettable.”
CAMERON: “John has a very important accounting job to get back to.”
LAURA: “I don’t think he could.”
HUDSON: “We could use an accountant.”
LAURA: “I honestly forgot his name was even John. I forgot he was on our team at one point.”
NICK: You see Nugget’s head bob into the frame as fosh climbs fosh’s stepstool to get closer to head height with everyone. “You know, he was fine or whatever, but I don’t feel like he really contributed a lot. I feel like he was just kind of there because he didn’t have anywhere else to be. So what are we talking about?”
HUDSON: “Nugget, do you want to be on the Afternoon Delight as a permanent team member?”
NICK: “Wow… Um, this is a lot really fast actually.”
LAURA: “Our ship is a converted party yacht. It has a Jacuzzi, a hot tub, many of the beds are round and they rotate, and there are disco balls in the room. I know at least my room you can clap on for the disco ball and music starts playing. It is very fun.”
NICK: “Are you hitting on me?”
LAURA: “Only a little bit.”
NICK: “Okay, that’s cool.”
LAURA: “There is some sort of rat in the ship currently, but I think we are going to become friends with it and keep it as a pet.”
CAMERON: “Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
LAURA: “I’m going to name it Creamsicle. There is a weird sex room but we don’t actually know where it is. We only occasionally find it.”
CAMERON: “The ship is called the Mourning Despair, we just call ourselves the crew the Afternoon Delight, because it’s a funny joke.”
LAURA: ‘No, the ship is called the Afternoon Delight. We lied about it because we do illegal things.”
CAMERON: “Xianna—“ [laughs] Come on~
NICK: So, Nugget hops down off of fish stepstool and closes it and slings it over their back. ‘Hey guys, this has been really great and I feel like we’ve bonded. It’s not you, it’s me… but I’m just not really ready for that kind of commitment. I appreciate it.”
LAURA: “No, I understand. We are a lot.”
NICK: “Yeah, and you know, people have told me that before and I never really had a reference for it, but I can really understand… Your droid is really talkative.”
LAURA: “Yeah. Hank is an assassin droid, too.”
HUDSON: “Oh my god.”
NICK: “Objection: That makes no logical sense.”
LAURA: “I don’t know. I just felt like putting it in there. I don’t know.”
HUDSON: “Ha. That’s what I felt like last night with Nugget’s mom.”
LAURA: “Don’t say that about Nugget’s mother!”
HUDSON: “It was a joke!”
CAMERON: ‘Uncalled for!”
HUDSON: “We’re much closer together now! We can do these jokes! You know!”
LAURA: “Tink, you look at me. Your parents are alive still. I will go have sex with both of them.”
HUDSON: “… No you won’t.”
LAURA: “You test me! I will do it!”
NICK: As I start taking notes…
HUDSON: “I would love to test you before you have sex with my mother…”
CAMERON: “Wait, wait, wait… Wait.”
LAURA: “Wait. I am very confused and I don’t like where this is going, Tink. You made it weird. You!”
HUDSON: “No, not test you like that, test you for like StarTDs.”
LAURA: “That’s not what they are called, Tink, and you made it weird. You made it weird. … So anyways, bye Nugget. I understand we are, um, how you say, so much. Very extra.”
NICK: “Well, and you know, that’s okay. There was this one time that this other group of illegal bounty hunters and smugglers tried to invite me to their group, but really they just weren’t as hardcore as I was looking for. They didn’t even have a rocket launcher, so I’m gonna—“
LAURA: “Oh shit! Do we have a rocket launcher?!”
NICK: “Reassurance: I’ve got you covered.”
LAURA: “Oh, I love you, Hank.”
NICK: “So like, that’ snot the point, this is kind of a different thing. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime. This is actually my last day on planet, so…”
NICK: ‘It’s been really good, and I really appreciate all the times that we’ve had, but I’m gonna go now because I’m just kind of tired and I’m gonna go take a bath, but thank you for the invite and you all are really sweet, it’s just not my jam right now. I hope you understand.”
HUDSON: “Bye Nugget.”
CAMERON: “Bye Nugget~”
LAURA: “I understand. Bye nugget. Call us!” Call me!”
NICK: Nugget re-unfolds fish stepstool and climbs up and puts a flipper on Tink’s shoulder. “Tink, I can tell that I’ve hurt your feelings, and for that I do apologize, because you are the best of us and I really appreciate the energy that you bring to this group, and I need you to look after Xianna and karma because I feel like they’ve got a lot of learning to do and you can provide that knowledge for them.”
HUDSON: “Oh my gosh! You took the words right out of my brain! Thank you so much.”
NICK: “That’s probably the last of the glitterstim. Anyway, bye!”
CAMERON: [giggling] Karma’s just quietly eating her orange slices.
NICK: As Nugget walks by fish holds out their flippers for an orange slice.
CAMERON: I hand another. I give fish two orange slices.
NICK: If you remember, they have a mouth like Beaker from The Muppets so it just swings open like a trap door and Nugget tosses them into the hatch and closes with this weird slurping noise, and they toddle off down the beach.
CAMERON: “Guys, I feel kind of abandoned.”
LAURA: Xianna is on one of the lounge chairs, asleep, an orange slice on her face.
CAMERON: “Okay, more abandoned now.”
HUDSON: “I’m with you.”
CAMERON: “I know, but… I don’t know.”
HUDSON: “Wait. You’re saying that you feel abandoned even with me here? Well fine!” And I walk away.
CAMERON: “Tink!” [laughs] Aw.
NICK: “Reassurance: I am within your proximity.”
CAMERON: “Thanks, HK.”
NICK: He just stares at you, dead-eyed. So, I think the group has moved over closer to the pool, so while that scene is happening, in the background you see John Placeholder show up with a tray of coffee and look around, and he can’t see where you all went, and he just shrugs and tosses the coffee into the sand and walks off.
CAMERON: Aw. Now we all feel bad. [laughs]
NICK: I think we get the shot of another montage of relaxation; Xianna’s sleeping on a lounge chair, Tink stomps off, I think he comes back very shortly after with a tiki drink.
NICK: Do you bring Karma a tiki drink as a peace offering?
HUDSON: Yes, I bring Karma a tiki drink.
HUDSON: Mine doesn’t have alcohol in it though.
NICK: Hmm, straight edge.
HUDSON: Yep. Keep the edge.
CAMERON: Shirley Temple.
HUDSON: Shirley Temple in a tiki glass.
NICK: It’s gotten to the point when you walk up to any of the places they just hand you a Shirley Temple in various different glasses so it feels like you’re drinking different stuff but it’s the same drink every time. They know what you’re drinking. We get a shot of everybody hanging by the pool, and I think it transitions to night time and you’re all sitting around that bonfire again making s’mores, and HK is doing his rotisserie impression. “Conjecture: If I do this for you all the time you’ll never learn how to make your own sweet snacks.”
LAURA: “Look hank, I have roasted many things over many fires. I know how to do this. I am just very tired, okay?”
HUDSON: “My hair always catches on fire. I don’t like doing it.”
LAURA: “yes, look at him, he is so hairy.”
CAMERON: “I’ve just roasted so many marshmallows because the twins would always catch them on fire, and frankly I’m just sick of roasting marshmallows, Hank. I love eating them though, so I’m very appreciative that you’re willing to help us out by roasting them, but I assure you my skills are there, I’m just burnt out on roasting them myself.”
NICK: “Theoretic Query: Would you not say that the real s’mores were the friends that we made along the way?”
CAMERON: [snorts] ‘No, I would not.” [laughs]
LAURA: “No. Tink, I am going to use you as a pillow because you are soft. Hank, when the s’mores are done just… just push one into my mouth, okay?”
HUDSON: “Guys… I forgot to tell you—“
HUDSON: “While I was in the lobby there was this table…”
LAURA: ‘If you sign us up for any other things I will stab you.”
HUDSON: “Sign you up for a softball tour—I’m just kidding. I haven’t signed us up for anything.”
LAURA: “I will stab you.”
CAMERON: “I actually had a lot of fun with the volleyball tournament, Tink. I think that was a good idea.”
HUDSON: “Awesome. I do have good ideas. I’m glad people appreciate them every once in a while.”
LAURA: “I tolerated it.”
CAMERON: “I thought some of our new teammates were very good.”
HUDSON: “Yeah. I think so too.”
LAURA: “Nugget was nice.”
CAMERON: “I liked Nugget.”
LAURA: “Did we have a sixth person…?”
CAMERON: “Um… Yeah?”
LAURA: “No, there were five, it was five people on a team.”
CAMERON: ‘No, volleyball has six, we had to have had another person.”
HUDSON: ‘I think it was Toulouse?”
CAMERON: “Or was it Juan?”
LAURA: “No, I think we just agreed to only have five people. That sounds right.”
HUDSON: “No, it was Toulouse.”
LAURA: “Who is Toulouse?”
HUDSON: “Our sixth person. I named them.”
LAURA: “What did they look like?”
CAMERON: “I thought you named Nugget Toulouse.”
HUDSON: “No, Nugget was—Oh wait. Did I name Nugget Toulouse? Yeah, you’re right. No, we didn’t have a sixth person.”
LAURA: “Yeah, it was only five people. I told you that.”
HUDSON: Around the corner in a tree you can see John looking and just leering at us with tears running down his face saying ‘revenge.’
CAMERON: Oh no. [laughs]
LAURA: No! [laughs]
NICK: No-ho-ho~ [laughs]
LAURA: I feel bad that we’re terrible people.
NICK: We get a shot of John and he’s sitting over with a group of Humans and they’re all kind of chatting and laughing and he’s nearby. You can tell he’s talking to someone. It must be something boring because they don’t look super interested, but he seems to be happy and having fun. He has not been abandoned. He is also having a good vacation.
CAMERON: That’s good. I’m glad we didn’t make an accountant enemy.
NICK: Yeah, you know, all of the accounting you do, you could have been in real big trouble.
CAMERON: [emphatically] I know, right?
HUDSON: More the lack of accounting we do. We didn’t ‘account’ for that, did we?
LAURA: I mean, I don’t think it would matter for anybody except maybe karma. She seems like she might be the kind of person who actually does her taxes, and like on time and early.
CAMERON: Yeah… she probably does.
HUDSON: “Alright! So we had five people on the team. That’s settled.”
CAMERON: “Hmm. What do y’all want to do tomorrow?”
HUDSON: “Well, I didn’t sign us up for that softball tournament because I thought you all wouldn’t want to do it.”
LAURA: “I don’t.”
CAMERON: ‘You do need more people, more than five people for softball.”
CAMERON: “And Nugget said today was fosh’s last day.”
LAURA: “Is there a buffet? We could go to the buffet tomorrow.”
HUDSON: “There are 24 hour ice cream cones I’ve been meaning for us to go to.”
LAURA: “I don’t want ice cream. We’re getting, uh, whatever these—“
HUDSON: “WE’RE GETTING ICE CREAM.”
LAURA: “—marshmallow things are. You can get ice cream if you want, Tink. Do not yell at me.”
HUDSON: “We were a cohesive team after that volleyball game!”
LAURA: “Tink… Stop it.”
CAMERON: “Okay. Tink, we’ll all walk and go get ice cream, but Xianna doesn’t have to eat ice cream if she doesn’t want to.”
NICK: HK at this point, from the corner of Xianna’s mouth, shoves a marshmallow into her mouth while you’re talking.
LAURA: [pretending mouth is full] “Thank you, Hank.”
NICK: “Acknowledged.” He goes to gently shove a marshmallow into Karma’s mouth.
CAMERON: Karma just takes it off of the roasting stick and puts it onto the graham cracker and chocolate and actually makes a s’more and eats it. [laughs]
NICK: His shoulders droop a little, and then…
CAMERON: “Thank you, HK.”
NICK: …he goes to shove the other two from his other hand into Tink’s mouth.
HUDSON: I take both my hands, grab it, and eat it like a squirrel eats a nut.
LAURA: Oh, we’re garbage.
NICK: So, you’re hanging out around the bonfire. You’re talking. We get a swipe cut to the four of you sitting in the comfy chairs in the lobby and Tink has a big ice cream cone. You’re all just hanging out.
LAURA: “We should all get matching tattoos.”
CAMERON: “Of what?”
LAURA: “I don’t know. I am very tired. Uh, you two could both get The Afternoon Delight tattooed on you. I already did it.”
CAMERON: “Would we need to get the… Jacqueline crossed out?”
LAURA: “You don’t need to. I mean, if you want to put the name of one of your exes on it with a line through it you could do that, we could all be matching, but you know more coordinating than matching.”
CAMERON: “Hmm. I’d really rather not.”
LAURA: “Then don’t.”
HUDSON: I look very introspective and I’m not really commenting on this or thinking about this, and suddenly I just go, “karma…”
CAMERON: “yes sweetie?”
HUDSON: “Do you think we’re in a simulation?”
CAMERON: [laughs] “What?”
LAURA: “Ugh. Tink, it is way too late for this.”
NICK: It’s like 9:30 at night.
LAURA: “I have been up… [whines]. I don’t know when Hank woke me up. It was the earliest I have ever woken up.”
NICK: “Clarification: I woke you up at 7 AM local time.”
LAURA: “That’s when I go to bed quite often. I had never seen the sun rise from like from like when I woke up and saw it. I’ve seen it rise, but in a that was how late I stayed up.”
NICK: “Sympathetic Statement: Big mood.”
LAURA: “You get me, Hank. You get me.”
CAMERON: “Tink, why are you asking if we’re in a simulation?”
HUDSON: ‘It just makes too much sense, but it’s scary.”
CAMERON: “Okay. I’m gonna need you to explain how it makes sense.”
NICK: Explain the brain in a jar theorem, Tink!
CAMERON: “Was it the mirror team that we played today? Because that was kind of weird.”
LAURA: “I thought they were wonderful.”
HUDSON: “I thought they were cool. What do you mean mirror team?”
CAMERON: “Never mind!”
CAMERON: “What was it that brought this on? I have no idea.”
LAURA: “It was the weird Humans. They’re so bland, right?”
CAMERON: “All the Mandalorians?”
CAMERON: “Was it flashbacks from when you grew up on Mandalore?”
HUDSON: “No. I was watching conspiracy theory videos on the internet—“
CAMERON: “[groans] No, Tink…”
HUDSON: “—and then I found this one that made more sense than the others.”
CAMERON: “Don’t watch those, Tink.”
LAURA: “Tink, don’t watch those. Do you want to go get pizza?”
LAURA: “You can get your weird extra cheese pizza or whatever. I’m going to get some sort of spicy pizza. It will be very tasty.”
HUDSON: “No, it’s half pepperoni, half cheese, with extra cheese.”
LAURA: “Hank, do you want a **none pizza left beef**? That feels like something you would order if—Wait, you can’t eat pizza. I’m sorry. I’m very tired and I am coming down off of a lot of impact.”
NICK: “Musing: I would like to order a **none pizza left beef** to see the terror in the pizza person’s eyes.”
LAURA: “I’ll do that. It will be amusing.”
NICK: So, I guess the whole crew goes upstairs to the fourth floor of the hotel and they go behind the nice restaurant and there’s a pizza restaurant with no sign.
CAMERON: Secret pizza.
LAURA: Secret pizza~
NICK: Secret pizza, that Tink found out about while space Googling this hotel. We get the Avengers style shot of everyone sitting quietly and eating their pizza and just kind of staring into space.
CAMERON: There are like seven or eight pizzas on this table. We ordered way too many pizzas.
LAURA: Well everyone got their own pizza, so there’s a half pepperoni, half cheese.
CAMERON: With extra cheese.
LAURA: With extra cheese. Some sort of spicy pizza for Xianna. I’m assuming some sort of seafood pizza for Karma.
CAMERON: Probably, yeah.
LAURA: Hank has his **none pizza left beef.**
NICK: Well, when they serve the **none pizza left beef** Hank says, “Acknowledged,” takes it off of the counter and throws it away as the people behind the counter just look at him with fear in their eyes at what kind of sociopath would order that.
LAURA: There’s also a dessert pizza, one of those apple ones that Cici’s has.
CAMERON: Mmm~ I could just go to Cici’s and just eat that. It’s so good.
NICK: Cici’s, the famous space pizza buffet.
CAMERON: yes. I used to take the twins there all the time.
LAURA: Oh, does Cici’s have an apostrophe in it already?
LAURA: Then yeah, it’s canon, it has apostrophes.
NICK: It’s short for [slurs] **Ciciciaramos.
CAMERON: Pizza buffet, all you can eat for 5.55.
CAMERON: Credits, yeah.
NICK: It’s like 7.99 now.
CAMERON: I know! It’s so expensive!
LAURA: It’s cheaper in Star Wars!
CAMERON: Back when I took the twins it was cheaper.
LAURA: Because of Star Wars rules…
CAMERON: “I used to take the twins when I was first starting out bounty hunting because kids ate free on Wednesdays, and Juke ate a lot.”
LAURA: “We never had a Cici’s. Tink, did you grow up with Cici’s? Oh, you grew up in the Empire, a real Empire planet.”
LAURA: “You had a Cici’s.”
HUDSON: “Oh yeah, we had a Cici’s. I especially like the dessert pizzas personally. It was pretty good stuff. There was this one, it was like an apple cinnamon crisp.”
LAURA: “We ordered that one!”
CAMERON: “Yeah! We just talked about that one. Do you want one? This one tastes very much like it.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, sure.”
LAURA: “There is also some sort of pizza I saw that looks like it has a pasta and a sauce on top of it. I want that one as well.”
HUDSON: “I’m pretty sure that’s just pasta.”
CAMERON: “No, it’s on pizza.”
LAURA: “No! It’s on a pizza!”
LAURA: “It looks like some sort of a cheesy, sauce, pasta thing that is on top of a pizza.”
CAMERON: “You can tell someone was thinking about how great pasta was and how great pizza was and then like, whoa, what if you combined them.”
HUDSON: “Xianna, you look asleep. You look like you’re asleep and talking.”
LAURA: “Yep, I probably am.”
NICK: That’s the thing, I need, uh… Actually, yeah, let’s do that. End of episode!
HUDSON: Bad ending.
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.
Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.