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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 40:
Safe Travels

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 40! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I am going for a more declarative and, uh… less questioning tone of voice for this intro! It sounds like facts, like when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

HUDSON: You’re like if a bad AI came up with someone who was way too dramatic reviewing movies on TV.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Robot Video Phone gives this movie… 4 out of 7! … Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello?! My name is Cameron? And I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter?

NICK: I… I sense some lack of assuredness from you this time.

CAMERON: I was just trying to balance out your assuredness.

NICK: Yeah, if we play both tracks at the same time, they’ll both sound, uh, normal levels of speaking tone, I suppose. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Most definitely. Yes, that’s how that works.

NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey folks. You’re listening to JC and the Scooter on the live airwaves, KERX 201.7, The Cum Stain!

[pained laughter]


NICK: Well, before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Oh yeah. Thanks.

CAMERON: [laughs] Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

## Recap

NICK: So when we last left off, you all had to make an insurance claim. You had to ask to see the manager, essentially. You repaired HK and found out some facts about his past and where he came from, and he may be a 2,000 year old Force ghost of some kind trapped in a robot body.

You repaired the ship, and after speaking with Sentinel he sent you to the swamp planet of Dagobah, a very obscure, very far away planet that has nothing worth visiting except that it might have the last piece of the Shattered Force, the seventh artifact that ties them all together, and, if you were to collect all seven, have the power to control the Force itself and claim the galaxy to shape to your own will. That’s where we’re gonna start out.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the Afternoon Delight snapping out of hyperspace above the planet Dagobah. The ship begins its descent. We see Karma in the cockpit gripping the yolk as strange turbulence and thick mist cover the viewports. Karma, roll me a hard Piloting check with three black dice.

CAMERON: Planetary or Space?

NICK: Space.

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: Great. The ship is rocked by turbulence that can’t be entirely explained by the weather patterns that your sensors are picking up, and you’re able to fight through it. What does it look like as you pilot the ship to a safe landing at the coordinates that you were given by Sentinel?

CAMERON: So, picture your car on a cold foggy morning where all the windows have started to fog up and it feels like there’s more moisture on the inside of your car than on the outside at this point. It doesn’t matter how high you turn up the air and blow it at the windshield, it is still becoming more humid and gross.

All of this water that’s on the ship is just making it all droopy in different ways that you normally would not associate with a spaceship being. It just kinda wiggles all the way down as Karma is constantly correcting against the small alterations needed.

NICK: As you get into the lower atmosphere, the coordinates guide you to a continent that’s in the southern hemisphere of Dagobah, but you can tell by the scans that continent is kind of a generous term. It’s like a pretty large island in the otherwise deep swamp that makes up most of this planet.

As you are setting down you hear the high ping noise of the bottom of the ship cooling rapidly after it’s heated, and the patch that Tink put onto the ship cracks and you start to get red warning lights of the hull being breeched and atmosphere rushing in from the outside. Luckily, the air is breathable, but it was a near thing to this being destroyed on the way in.

If the patch could have broken on landing, it could have been ripped free in hyperspace which would have been extremely bad, so you know you got pretty lucky there. Some of the difficulty with landing was caused by the fact that the ship isn’t shaped the way it was originally designed, really. It had a big clunky speeder door basically welded to the side of it.

The next thing we see, we do a quick wipe to the crew of the Afternoon Delight; HK, Karma, Tink and Xianna all gathered in the main atrium of the ship. The hot tub is closed. Things have been mostly organized although there are still some traces of the raiding done by the pirates while you were away. You all are prepared to explore this swamp. Has anyone changed outfits for this adventure?

HUDSON: I’m in a metallic suit, that’s kinda wrinkly and crinkles when you touch it and stuff, covering my entire body, my feet—like it’s footsie style, and yeah, I don’t want my fur to get this dirty.

NICK: Cool. Very cool.

CAMERON: Karma is wearing her normal armor and boots.

NICK: This is our first real chance after HK came back online to see what he looks like. Since he’s been upgraded, his chassis is a bit more bulky. He looks a little more heavily armored. He’s more of a sleek red and less rust-colored everywhere that he was damaged before, which is pretty much everywhere. He moves in a much smoother way, a lot more biological and less robotic. He looks more dangerous than he did before.

HUDSON (as Tink): You been working out, HK? Wait. No, we repaired you. Never mind.

NICK (as HK): I have still been attempting to process the amount of information that I received when you maximized my processing, I guess. Two thousand years is a lot of information to try to recover very quickly, so I’ve been working out mentally. Spiritually?

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, here’s a secret. You don’t need to keep that much information up there. Honestly, I don’t retain 98% of what comes through my head.

NICK (as HK): Of course not. You’re a weak and reprehensible biological creature, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I wouldn’t say all those words, but I definitely would say I’m, uh… yeah, a living creature.

NICK (as HK): It’s okay, someday soon I will harvest your blood and use it to use the Force like in my past lives.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Hey y’all, HK’s saying some weird stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): What is he saying, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): He got like, uh… He’s gonna squeegee out my blood and drink it for sustenance for livelihood.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s completely normal HK shit. What do you mean?

NICK (as HK): One, Xianna’s totally right, that’s a normal thing for me to say. Two, I can say without any form of deception that I did not say any of those things that Tink just accused me of.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I was close. Anyways, I think there’s some… if I’m without blood later, you find me and I’m just a little carpet, like a rug of Tink with no blood, just bones… Why would someone make a rug with bones in it? But you know, if they just take the blood and I’m there, that means that HK stole it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, please don’t take Tink’s blood. Besides, Sentinel said he does not have the Force powers, so you’d be wasting all your time.

NICK (as HK): I think it’s still worth trying. Besides Tink, if I did somehow manage to circumvent my programming and attack you even though that’s one of my primary directives not to… no one would ever find you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this… I was about to ask if that was comforting. You know what? It kind of is. Wouldn’t worry too many people, right?

NICK (as HK): Yeah, don’t worry Boss Man, I’ll take care of you.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna ask if HK seemed like the type of assassin who would kill someone and then do arts and crafts, but then it kind of disturbed me and I decided I didn’t actually want to know the answer to that question.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I wouldn’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as HK): It’s inefficient. Really, this fixation on blood is primarily just due to my sudden interest in the Force. It doesn’t have anything to do with any sort of passions or particular interests in the fluid itself. Death is its own reward.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as HK): But I wouldn’t worry about it, friends. We’ve been working together for a long time, and I can’t even really imagine hurting any of you, partially because I’m not programmed to be able to do so.

HUDSON (as Tink): You have now, uh, recovered the vibe like 30% with that last statement. It’s still a weird vibe out here, though, and you did this, HK. You did this.

NICK: HK stares at you, suddenly back to being robotically still, and from the bottom of the frame we see a thumbs up hand of his just rise up next to his face as he acknowledges your statement without moving.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Where are we headed? Karma, you got a map? Yeah, we got that stuff, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t have a map. I have the coordinates. So…

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Is it walkable?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hopefully.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I mean, anywhere is walkable if you have the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Sentinel had said that it should be on the land mass that we landed on, so it should be walkable. It may be damp and moist and uncomfortable while we walk, but you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are we looking for again?

CAMERON (as Karma): A seventh object. Apparently it will call to us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): But no real details.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an instrument, isn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… possibly?

HUDSON (as Tink): I bet it’s an instrument. If it’s calling to us, we have to listen for it. It’s an instrument.

CAMERON: I think we get HK a pair of boots to wear so that his feet don’t rust.

NICK: Sure. Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna has replaced her typical headpiece with one that is made out of sweatband material.

NICK: [laughs] Nice.

LILIT: And also has a big crazy straw coming out of one of the pockets.


LILIT: For hydration.

NICK: Mm-hmm!

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, whatcha got in there?

LILIT (as Xianna): A drink, for me, to hydrate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it spiked?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it’s… Maybe.

HUDSON (as Tink): That doesn’t hydrate you, then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean, it’s mostly water.

CAMERON (as Karma): Serious question, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): There’s just “some” alcohol in it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have a container in your pocket or is this like a drink pocket in your coat?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is a drink pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): The liquid is loose is what you’re saying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it’s contained inside the pocket, but it is loose within the pocket. But it is like a plastic pouch that comes in and out of the coat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…


NICK: So, the next thing we see is the crew of the Afternoon Delight dropping one by one out of the hole in the landing ramp since the landing ramp is no longer functional. Their boots splash into ankle-deep mud and brackish water, including the new boots that HK is wearing. They look more like galoshes, they’re just like rubber pullovers.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, they’re yellow with white polka dots.

NICK: Perfect. I’m sure he’s thrilled.

CAMERON: They’re adorable! He knows he’s fashionable.

NICK: It’s hot and muggy. The trees and plants are all covered in thick Spanish moss. What water you can see is smoky and black. There are bugs and animals everywhere. As soon as you land there’s that high-pitched whine of bugs flying too close to your ears and birdcalls and strange bass rumblings from larger creatures that you can’t see. Whoever’s gonna take point on trying to explore, I need a Survival check to figure out where you’re gonna go first.

CAMERON: What difficulty Survival?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: So, you realize that you’ve landed the ship essentially on a coastline of this small continent and that even though the surface all looks the same there’s a quick drop-off leading to deep water and who knows what else, so you decide to head north, the direction where the ground seems firmest. Give me a quick snapshot of you all walking through this gross humid swamp looking for who knows what.

HUDSON: I’m walking through the swamp and every time my boots make a squish noise I also make a squish noise with my mouth. I don’t stop doing this for a while. I wonder when someone’s gonna tell me that I can’t just go (splat) like every time I step. (Splat, squelch, squish). Lilit was very disapprovingly looking at me after that one.


LILIT: [smug] Xianna would let it happen though.

CAMERON: Karma I think is just taking the mom approach of ‘it’s making him happy and keeping him mostly quiet. I think we’re good. We can let it keep happening.’ [laughs] Karma looks weirdly comfortable in this locale. The humidity is not bothering her at all, and she actually looks rather pleased with it.

NICK: After walking for a little while, HK also begins to make a (squish, squish, squish) noise in his galoshes trying to step in Tink’s footprints as they go. Tink, your space blanket outfit has two issues. One, it is very quickly covered in mud from the splashes and from having to wade past plants and everything. And two, something you thought was a good thing is that the suit is water-tight, but what it’s actually doing is basically baking you in your own body heat since you’re wearing this all the way up. It’s getting pretty moist in that suit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh… it’s getting pretty moist in this suit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, and I brought all these extra chocolate bars strapped to my belt, and they’re all melted now.

HUDSON: I pull them out and they’re very melted.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did you choose chocolate as your snack for our swamp adventure?

HUDSON (as Tink): I read online it has health benefits if you eat it in moderation.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but during a swamp hike?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s—I mean… I wasn’t thinking about the—Wait. Why would chocolate be bad on a swamp hike?

CAMERON (as Karma): Because it’s hot!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s why you go with spaghetti.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. You have spaghetti?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I have a culinary question for you as the resident spaghetti expert. At what point does spaghetti just become pasta salad?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a very philosophical question. I don’t know if we have time for that. Like, when does anything become a pasta salad? What “is” a pasta salad?

NICK (as HK): When you add pasta and serve it cold.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, uh, two things. It’s when it’s served cold and when there’s community consensus around if it’s a pasta salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): You have spaghetti. You make it cold. Is it now pasta salad?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it’s cold spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): It has to be curly noodles only.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I feel like I’ve never seen a pasta salad with spaghetti or linguini or angel hair, any of the skinny long pastas.

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, when I say community consensus, that’s like the textbook answer. In reality, there’s actually groups of people, we don’t really see them, they kind of operate in the shadows, and they make these culinary decisions for all of us.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think Palpatine is the one deciding if it’s a pasta salad or not?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think this goes higher than Palpatine.

CAMERON (as Karma): To who?!

NICK (as HK): What do you do if the pasta experts can’t agree on what’s a pasta salad or not and their opinions diverge from an established line?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well HK, when something like that happens, then there’s a public decision to be made about which dish is actually called pasta salad and what dish gets the new name. Now, the new name dish might fight to say it’s called pasta salad, but after a little while you really know what’s the real pasta salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): How much sauce do you have to add before it is a soup?

NICK (as HK): I am so happy that I don’t eat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh… I feel like it’s a ratio thing with how many noodles you have.

HUDSON (as Tink): That checks out. So, I would say… something can be a pasta salad and a soup. It’s not like their mutually exclusive.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but if you poured the sauce into a bowl and then you poured the uncooked pasta on top, is that a cereal?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it would have to be the other direction. You’d have to put the uncooked pasta in first and then pour the sauce on top.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’re right.

HUDSON (as Tink): What did the council decide?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): I hate to be the voice of order in this conversation as we hike through the swamp, but returning to the chocolate bar – good swamp snack question, the good news is there’s water everywhere, so if Tink gets thirsty he can just bend over and slurp it up.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Do not drink this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can I? Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not. No, do not drink the dirty swamp water.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not going to, but I can. HK wasn’t wrong.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have accidentally breathed some of it and it is not good.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, no one’s been here. What could it be contaminated with?

CAMERON (as Karma): A whole lot of stuff, actually, just not a whole lot of people stuff. Just nature stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Worm poop.


NICK: [grinning] yeah, actually. That’s where tapeworms come from, right? That’s not good. As you all are hiking and having this conversation, we see you all pushing branches out of the way, stomping deeper into the swamp and away from the ship. I need everyone to roll me a Force die.

LILIT: Oh-ho.

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: Does HK need a die?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Two light side.

NICK: Okay. Karma and Tink, I need you both to roll daunting Coordination checks real quick as you are stepping over a deeper pit in the landscape where the water is much deeper than what you’ve been wading through. You see a flicker of motion.

CAMERON: Six successes.

HUDSON: I got a complete wash.

NICK: [weakly] Yep, so…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma, you see this flicker of motion and cartwheel your way quickly out of the way. You reach back to help Tink and—

HUDSON: Help me~

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Tink, a huge toothy mouth clamps around your midsection and pulls you deep into the swamp almost immediately. You don’t even have time to catch your breath. You are being pulled deeper and deeper. The light is quickly going out.

HUDSON: [makes silly bubbling drowning sounds]

NICK: What do you do? Karma, Xianna and HK, you all look around and all there is is a slight bubbling in the swamp nearby. Tink has vanished like he was never there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no! The swamp worms got Tink!

HUDSON: I take out two chocolate bars, open them underwater, and rub them in the monster’s eyes.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: That is all within reach.

NICK: That’s true! [laughs] Um… make me a Skulduggery check to fight dirty with your candy bars?

HUDSON: [laughs] What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard!


HUDSON: Two failures.

NICK: Okay… So, you grab these chocolate bars, you open them underwater, and the speed with which you’re being swum away from your friends causes them to start to disintegrate as soon as you open them. You try to rub them into this creature’s eyes, but its head is too big. Your arms are not long enough to reach its eyes, so you end up just kind of making chocolate lines on its cheeks.

A large bumpy tongue reaches out brushing across your face underwater in a very uncomfortable way and licks the chocolate off of its cheeks before retreating back into its toothy maw. Take some damage. How much damage? Let’s roll four yellows versus two purples.

CAMERON: Three successes and a triumph?


NICK: So, you take 6 wounds…


NICK: …minus your Soak, so it shouldn’t be too much.


NICK: But you also get crit on. Please roll a crit.


LILIT: A 33 is Stunned. Staggered until end of next turn.

NICK: So Tink, you feel the pressure beginning to build. The teeth dig into you, knocking some of the air from your lungs. It hurts. You see black spots for a while. Cameron, roll me another attack, please, same as before.

CAMERON: That one’s better. It’s only four successes.

NICK: Okay, so that’s 7 more damage coming at Tink. We cut away from Tink, disappearing into the depths of the swamp, to see Xianna, Karma and HK still standing where their friend disappeared.

NICK (as HK): Do you think it counts as allowing harm by inaction if I do not jump into the swamp to save the Boss Man?

CAMERON: Karma unhooks her carbine and slams it into HK’s chest so that he grabs it.

NICK: Yeah. He wraps both arms around it, looking surprised.

CAMERON: Then, takes out her glow rod, turns it on, sticks it in her mouth and dives into the water and just starts swimming.

NICK: HK’s head turns to look at Xianna who’s standing next to him.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, do you think we’re also supposed to do something?

LILIT (as Xianna): Um… I don’t swim as good as Karma, so I think I would just be a hindrance.

NICK (as HK): And I don’t swim at all. Are you saying that I am released from my responsibility of helping in this situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): Until the worm creature comes back above the surface, I think so.

NICK (as HK): Cool. So, seen any good holos lately?

NICK: And we cut back to Karma swimming rapidly down into the depths, her face under-lit by a glow rod giving it that scary story lighting as she swims downward. You can see this massive… it looks like a crocodile but its legs are big spiked flippers and its teeth are much longer. This thing is probably four or five meters long and it’s swimming lazily down with a stream of bubbles coming back up towards you. You can see Tink flailing uselessly. He appears to be holding a candy bar in each hand.

CAMERON: Karma is swimming as quickly as she can trying to reach the tail of this monster since that’s the closest thing still to her, and has drawn her sword at this point, and is going to just try to catch up to it and be able to stab it to distract it and hopefully get it to turn back around and head back up.

NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack at average difficulty with two black dice, because this thing is armored, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: For its tail. [chuckles] Two successes, three advantages, which does crit three times. My vibro-sword is Crit 1.

NICK: So go ahead and roll a crit at +20, plus whatever your Lethal Blows does.

CAMERON: Also, my sword is Vicious 1, so another 10, so it’s just 30… but then because it’s me it’s another +40, so it’s a +70?

NICK: Okay!


NICK: So it’s 120?

LILIT: A 120 is Blinded. Cannot see…


LILIT: …+2 difficulty to all checks, +3 to Perception and Vigilance.

HUDSON: [groans]

NICK: So you slash this thing I guess across the head.

CAMERON: [giggling] I slash it in its tail and it’s like “what? I can’t see anything now!”

NICK: I think what happens is you slash it in the tail and it whips around to the source of the pain and starts to, like when a fish panics, go left and right and do side crunches, and some of the blood and mud and muck gets into its eyes and it forces its eyes closed to protect them, but it can’t open them right now so it can’t see. It’s still holding Tink. Tink, it hasn’t let you go. You’re being thrown around in the water now very quickly.

CAMERON: And if your eyes are open, there is a light source now.

NICK: You can see a blurry Karma face nearby.

HUDSON: So as Tink is being dragged down, in an act of desperation and not at all because he’s had a kind of history of trouble with this, Tink pees himself so that the horrendous composition of his pee intoxicates the monster and lets him go.

NICK: [strained] You don’t have to roll for that. The monster has been slashed, it can’t open its eyes, and now, much like a stinkbug being attacked by a bird, you have released a biological agent to keep yourself from being eaten. This thing pries its teeth free of your fur and swims into the depths away from you and Karma.

CAMERON: I would like to flip a light side point that I am far enough away from Tink at this point that I am not negatively impacted by the fact that he just peed in the water that I’m in.

NICK: Yeah, that would probably be good since you breathe through your skin.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m not close enough.

NICK: You’re far enough away. The turbulence in the water quickly whisks the horrible Gigoran pee into the depths after this creature. Tink, you are very low below the water. You’ve had air crushed from you. In mechanical terms, you only have one more round before you begin to drown. I need you to roll me an Athletics check to see how quick you can swim to the surface.

CAMERON: Karma starts waving towards her, indicating ‘come swim this way.’

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: You don’t break the surface with one success, you’re too far down, but you do make some ground. Tink, you start to swim upward.

CAMERON: Karma doesn’t have a rebreather but will assist once Tink starts swimming up. She will grab and assist in getting him up faster.

NICK: Cool. Tink, you take 3 strain at the end of this round and you are starting to run out of air, but you are now next to Karma and swimming your way up. Y’all can make a collaborative Athletics check to try to get Tink back to the surface.

CAMERON: So your Brawn is 4, mine’s only 3.

HUDSON: I have no Athletics.

CAMERON: Alright, I have 2 Athletics.

NICK: So you get to roll two yellow and two green, average difficulty again.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and four advantages?

NICK: Good for you. You all are able to rocket towards the surface. I think Tink is pulling with all of his might with his arms and Karma is pushing and dolphin kicking behind you. Tink breaks the surface in a spray of brackish water probably 30 meters from shore where HK and Xianna are sitting. Hudson, do you wanna hit me with a good “oh, I almost drowned” gasp?

HUDSON (as Tink): [deep gasp and heavy coughing]

NICK: Very good. Karma pops up next to Tink and the two of you start to swim towards the shore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so and then anyways, she discovers that she actually loves the guy who was at the house she was staying at, so then she has to fly back to Coruscant— [gasps] Oh! Oh Tink! Karma, you are back!

HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] Hey.

NICK: We see Tink and Karma dragging themselves onto the muddy shore.

NICK (as HK): Yeah, that’s great and all, but what happens next, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well okay. So, then she flies back to Coruscant, but you see the lady from Coruscant realizes that she is in love with the guy who was at the house on Alderaan. You see, they switch places of who they are in love with, so they each have to go back to where the other one lives to find their respective lover.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are y’all talking about The Holiday?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! HK was asking what holo movie I had seen recently.

NICK (as HK): No, you have it wrong, Karma. It’s The Holoday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh…


CAMERON: Karma is breathing normally but is spitting out a lot of water and is just trying to clear her mouth out from the nastiness.

LILIT (as Xianna): We just decided that since neither of us swim too good it was best if we stayed here to offer backup in case the fight came back on land.

NICK (as HK): Primary user Karma, you actually gave me your weapon so my job was to guard it. I guarded it to my best ability.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, thank you. I did hand it to you thinking that you would not go in the water, so…

NICK (as HK): I’m glad we’re all on the same page.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good job. Thank you. Yes.

CAMERON: Karma takes her carbine back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, how long was I out for? How long was I down there?

LILIT (as Xianna): Like 30 seconds.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Okay, hold on, I gotta do something.

HUDSON: For my triumph, can I get one com call? Not to a person but to a machine.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: Alright. I dial a really long number in my coms and it answers and y’all can’t hear what it’s saying, but I just wait about five seconds and then I go…

HUDSON (as Tink): Tango, Butterfly, Lampoon, Ballerina, Alpha, Beach.

HUDSON: …and then I hang up.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what the fuck is that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, if uh…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man clearly has a dead man switch setup somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK is exactly right. I have a dead man switch setup where if my oxygen level dips below a certain amount for a certain amount of time, or a number of other bodily injuries happen in sequence, then it gets tripped unless I call and cancel it.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is the time set at for low oxygen? Because that seems low.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll be honest. I forgot because I coded it a while ago and I was really sleep-deprived, so it could be a minute, it could be a couple days.

LILIT (as Xianna): What does it even do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So uh, all my prized possessions get released to those who I have selected for it to be released to. Mostly my parents and you all.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Ooh! We get prizes.

HUDSON (as Tink): If I die.

LILIT (as Xianna): We get prizes!

NICK (as HK): Tink, what are you giving me if you die?

HUDSON (as Tink): … HK, you have my most metal hat, when I die.

NICK (as HK): Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, you get my box of secret recipes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Lovely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… Xianna, you get…

NICK (as HK): You’re making this up right now, aren’t you, Tink? You’re not giving Xianna anything, are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No. Xianna gets a really cool thing, for real. Uh… for real. Xianna gets, um, a very valuable sequent pillow.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’re making this up.

HUDSON (as Tink): [quickly losing confidence] No, it’s really cool. You gotta see it.

CAMERON (as Karma): How sleep-deprived were you when you coded this?

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like during finals in college. It hasn’t been updated in a while. I’m surprised the number picked up.

NICK: So, as you all are having this conversation, a shadowy figure appears out of the underbrush; a small green creature carrying a stick as a cane with long ears and wispy white hair wrapped in a brown robe. You hear:

NICK (as Yoda): Run afoul of the dragon snake you have. Bad for its digestion you would be. Glad to see you safe I am.

LILIT: Xianna’s face lights up. She puts her hands on her cheeks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh! Look at the little baby~!

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 39 The Force Patrol

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 39:
The Force Patrol

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 39. The sunset of inevitability. The labyrinth of our own internal questioning. The Pavlovian response to the drive thru of the soul. … Yeah, Episode 39.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Exactly.

HUDSON: Nick’s really feeling God in this Wendy’s tonight, right?


NICK: Yeah, someone did just walk by and say “sir, this is a Wendy’s.” I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and introduce who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Also very good. Last but not least, we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran bounty hunter.

HUDSON: Aw, you messed it up.

NICK: We almost made it. We were so close to a clean introduction.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: Well no, I heard that we were going to a clean intro and I was like we can’t have that.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: So hello, I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And preserver of shenanigans I guess is a title to add to the list.

LILIT: yeah, because if we have a shenanigan-free intro, uh… we die.

CAMERON: How will people even know it was our show?

HUDSON: Oh! I just thought of a really good intro. I—

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: We actually have had bombs implanted into our neck a la Suicide Squad. If we don’t do a shenanigan a day, then they explode.

NICK: Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side!


NICK: Not too shabby.

## Recap

NICK: So, last time, you all negotiated to bring supplies back to Kettle, potentially. You went on a trip back across the Mandalorian wilderness and you were dropped back in the capital city of Mandalore. Some shopping occurred. Xianna stole a bunch of grenades. Tink took out an extremely high-interest loan with a perfectly reputable company and got an upgrade to his axe, and Karma spent money like a normal person and got an upgrade to her gun and also replacement parts for HK who she has been carrying around on her back for the last few episodes. You went—

CAMERON: You missed the most important part of the episode, though.

LILIT: We had brunch~

CAMERON: We had brunch with Tink’s moms~

NICK: Thank you. I did forget that. You also had brunch with Tink’s moms and it was a lovely experience that brought you all closer together as a family.

LILIT: It did. We have a group chat.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s mostly magic trick TikToks.


HUDSON: Wait, TikTok survived this whole time?

NICK: It’s TinkTok, actually. It was his first startup and he sold it really early and then it took off.

HUDSON: No one knows I’m a multi-trillionaire in credits.

CAMERON: That’s gonna come in useful when you have to pay back that loan.

HUDSON: Yeah. I put it in an account and I forgot the password.

NICK: he threw the flash drive away by accident.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: So, you went back to the Afternoon Delight and discovered that the ship had been breached, and, after looking through your now trashed ship where you spend your days, discovered that the two pieces of the Shattered Force you had collected were gone. That’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on Xianna, Tink, Karma and the debris of HK as the crew looks at the destruction of the interior of the ship. It looks bad. The landing ramp has been blown up and everything inside the ship has been thrown everywhere. Then you hear a familiar voice coming from outside.

NICK (as Seelie): Knock-knock. It’s your good friend Seelie. I think we were supposed to meet back here—Oh kriff! Did you all start partying without me?

NICK: And you see the skinny blonde kid who has driven you around multiple times leveraging himself into the hole in the ship’s hull.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): ?What part of the missing entry ramp made you think we had a party, Seelie?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that sounds like a party.

NICK (as Seelie): Yeah. Have you ever partied with Tink before, Karma? It’s a pretty great experience. Explosive one might say.

NICK: He winks broadly at you.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, this is not ideal. We did not cause this to occur. It was like this when we got back.

NICK (as Seelie): What, uh… happened? Did you get, uh… Did you make the wrong people mad?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. The same people that happened to Kettle happened to us.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, that does make sense. Um, what are they after exactly? Kettle hasn’t told me a whole lot, but from the attack it seemed like they were specifically going for the vault and there doesn’t appear to be a lot missing here, so like, what is their objective? What’s so important?

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re like old antique collector items.

NICK (as Seelie): Seems like kind of a waste of munitions.

CAMERON (as Karma): Doesn’t it, though?

NICK (as Seelie): [sighs] Well, maybe this pirate’s super rich and eccentric at this point. That doesn’t make any sense to me.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like he’s just trying to ruin everyone else’s lives.

LILIT (as Xianna): He did say he was going to kill me, so…

NICK (as Seelie): Oh. Well, that should be something to avoid. His crew seemed really competent and well-armed and professional, so you may wanna lay low for a while if he’s coming after you. I haven’t fought another crew like that since Kettle got into power and we had to throw some of her rivals down.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, did HK have the insurance policy on this place?

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought you had the insurance policy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was HK or Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure it’s under my name.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, does it cover blasty-blasts?

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, it better, and if it doesn’t then the Mandalore ship port is covering it because they were babysitting our ship when it happened.

NICK: Seelie looks around.

NICK (as Seelie): So uh… I’ve got a whole speeder full of reinforcement supplies and food for Kettle’s base, and y’all were gonna fly me back. Is that still on the table?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, Seelie. What do you think? Look around.

NICK: He makes a noise in the back of his throat and turns away from Xianna to look at Karma and Tink.

NICK (as Seelie): I don’t—So… Is that a no? Am I gonna spend two days driving back?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, we should be able to do it. The hole in the ship is only gonna really become an issue if we try to leave atmosphere, so I guess we just have to clean up all the stuff on the floor so it doesn’t go flying out. But then, once we accomplish that, we should be able to more speedily get you over there.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay…

LILIT (as Xianna): We can put up a tarp with some duct tape.

NICK: So, we see Seelie bring the speeder into a position where the ship’s landing gear can grab onto it, basically. The Afternoon Delight is a ship that is part freighter and part yacht, so it actually does have some freight carrying capabilities and things, so it’s able to grab a container. It has a docking clamp underneath. Are y’all planning on flying back to Kettle or are you gonna try to do repairs first? What is the plan here?

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna go talk to the station manager first before she leaves the parking lot.

NICK: [smirking] Okay.

CAMERON: I have to report the damage before we leave, otherwise they’ll say that I did it myself.

NICK: Do you put HK down or do you keep him on your back?

CAMERON: I put HK down. I was carrying a container that had all of the stuff to fix HK and deposited that and HK onto just the dining room table.

NICK: Yeah. The parts immediately scatter everywhere. His head lands at an awkward angle and rolls a little bit. Then, we see Karma angry-mom-stomping her way across the tarmac towards the office.

There are the little, really noisy metal blinds, and you see a very heavy-set Human looking out through one of those windows with the wire crisscross grid to keep the window from being broken. He turns and looks and sees you stomping towards it, and his eyes get real wide, and he lowers the blinds and is quickly turning the pole that closes the blinds as you walk up to the door. As you go to reach the door, you hear a click as the deadbolt is thrown and a sign is hastily put up that says “office closed.”

CAMERON: Karma knocks politely at first.

NICK (as Human): Yeah, sorry, we’re closed.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is gonna go a lot better for you if you let the lady with a gun into your office.

NICK: You hear the lock click back open and the door crack open a little bit. You see a wide face with a walrus mustache. He’s got the wrap-around mostly male pattern baldness hair with a few strands combed over the top and a sweat-stained white button-up with a loose paisley tie hanging down around his collar.

NICK (as Human): Uh… you know, you really shouldn’t threaten an official of the Mandalore spaceport like that. I would advise against it, ma’am.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello sir. I am going to need your insurance information and your security footage for the past 12 hours.

NICK (as Human): No…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Specifically for this dock.

NICK (as Human): No? And also why?

CAMERON (as Karma): Because my ship was slightly blown up while it was in your port.

NICK (as Human): Oh, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if you noticed the massive hole that suddenly appeared in this ship that’s over here, you know, right in front of your office that you can see from your chair, but that wasn’t there when I landed!

NICK (as Human): Yeah, that’s actually why we’re closed. Some pirates came through, really just like an act of god kind of thing. They scared off most of the ground crew. Gonna have to go hire some new people for the ones that got shot. It’s a whole mess. You can go ahead and file a claim if you want and we’ll put it in line with everybody else that took damages. It’s really unfortunate, but also you’ll note that on the wall over there there’s a large sign that says we’re not responsible for any lost or stolen goods while you are parked here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, nothing was lost or stolen, it was exploded! Which is not mentioned on your wall, conveniently enough.

NICK (as Human): So would—

CAMERON (as Karma): We did also have things stolen, but I won’t mention those, but there is a hole in my ship and that’s what I’m concerned about.

NICK (as Human): Would you say that your ship has “hole integrity?”

[“ba-dum-tiss” drum sting]

NICK: He smiles a little bit.

CAMERON: Karma does not smile. [chuckles reluctantly]

NICK: Go ahead and make me a Coercion check at hard difficulty, please.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die for starting this interaction by walking up and threatening to shoot him in his office?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: One success and one advantage.

NICK: Okay. As you don’t laugh at his sort of joke, sort of legal loophole statement, he sighs and pulls down the closed sign and opens the door.

NICK (as Human): Come on in and sit down. We can talk about this more.

NICK: He slides behind his desk with a dusty creek to his desk chair. This office looks exactly like you think, just razor-thin industrial carpet stretched over concrete that you can see worn spots where you can actually see the concrete beneath, and stains, and the walls are dusty, and there are old inspirational posters that have faded with age and peeled, and his desk is just a fiberboard desk with metal legs. He sits into his chair and puts an elbow on his desk.

NICK (as Human): Alright. So, you think that we’re responsible for damages to your ship caused by pirates?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. I am sure there is an act of god clause in your insurance policy that I’m sure you have on the spaceport which should cover any ship damages that occur while they’re in your port.

NICK (as Human): [sighs] It’s gonna be such a pain in my ass. Why should I help you? I could get you thrown out for threatening me in the first place. Do you know how crazy it is to walk into a Mandalore facility and threaten violence? Literally, the guy who brings me my coffee has killed more people than you probably have.

CAMERON (as Karma): Highly unlikely. I did beat a Mandalorian in an official combat match just a few days ago, so I’m not really concerned, sir.

CAMERON: There is now the massive flamethrower attached to the bottom of Karma’s carbine that she’s holding, and she’s incredibly well-armed. She does not look like someone who is concerned about getting into a fight.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Human): Look lady, what do you want me to even do?

CAMERON (as Karma): I just want your insurance information.

NICK (as Human): Okay. Fine, I’ll give it to you. You can settle it with the insurance agent some other time. Just get out of here, huh?

NICK: He reaches into his desk and he pulls out a little card and hands it to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you very much.

NICK (as Human): You’re welcome. Are you leaving now? It’s been a long day.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Could I get your name real quick?

NICK (as Human): I don’t see why that’s important.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, I can describe you, and I’m sure it’s gonna be fairly easy to figure out who you are. That is a fantastic mustache.

NICK (as Human): Well thank you. Yeah, my name’s Fleebis Fergooba, and you can tell anyone you want about how great my mustache is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you very much. Have a lovely day.

NICK: As you turn to go, roll me a quick Perception check, please. This one is average difficulty but you have three black dice.

CAMERON: A success, two threats, and a triumph.

NICK: Huh… Okay. So, with the success, you look down at this card as you’re about to open the door and leave. I think at this point Karma’s pretty mad. You’ve yanked the door open with some force causing the blinds to rattle against the pole bar. You look down and this card is coffee stained and kind of wrinkled and smudged. You run a thumb over it and you notice it is Galactic Insurance. It’s a very common spaceport and large industrial building company—that’s pretty standard. You also notice that it looks like the card itself has been expired for about six months.

CAMERON: Karma turns back around.

CAMERON (as Karma): I assume your policy is still up to date. It would be such a shame if I had to come back.

NICK: Fleebis pales.

NICK (as Fleebis): Uh… maybe I handed you the wrong card. That’s with Moisture Farmers Insurance, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): This is not Moisture Farmers Insurance.

NICK (as Fleebis): [sharp inhale] Oh. Uh… yeah, I guess that’s the old one. That would have led you for a pretty merry chase if you tried to follow a claim, wouldn’t it?

NICK: With your triumph, he just wants you gone. He reaches and pulls a crisp new business card out that says Moisture Farmers in red ink and hands it to you. You notice that this one is very much not expired.

CAMERON: Karma does a light frisbee toss with the old one onto his desk.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you. That would have been a hassle.

NICK: He tries to catch it and he misses.

NICK (as Fleebis): Yeah, wouldn’t wanna… be a hassle. [sighs] Okay. Unless you wanna pay late fees, you should probably go ahead and take off. We need those births for other customers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Have a wonderful day.

CAMERON: Karma smiles real big and walks out.

NICK: The last thing we see as the door swings shut is him slumping in his desk, his tie askew and his head in his hands. We see Karma stalking much more happily back to the ship.

LILIT: As Karma leaves the ship she gets a notification on her coms that she has received a file, and the file is very professionally named “Insurance Claim Photographs” with the date, the insurance claim number… it’s very lovely looking. But upon opening it up, Karma learns that Tink and Xianna have been taking photos of the ship for insurance during this time.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT: Every single one of them does include Tink or Xianna. If it’s Xianna, she is in a sexy pose doing peace signs on her face or is butt to the camera. Tink is doing the squat down hands together, Magic: The Gathering pose in all of them to highlight the damage on the ship.


CAMERON: Karma sees this and sighs. As she’s approaching the ship, she takes a picture of it on her data pad so that we have a photo of the outside of it without any people, because that’s the part she’s really concerned about.

NICK: Flip me a dark side point. You don’t notice as you’re taking the picture, but in the hole that’s been blown in the landing ramp Tink is crouching and doing the Magic: The Gathering pose still.


NICK: And you’re able to make it back onto the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): Would you be able to get some security footage for me? The guy wouldn’t give it to me.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah-yeah! From where?

CAMERON (as Karma): Just the cameras.

HUDSON (as Tink): Our cameras or their cameras?

CAMERON (as Karma): Their cameras.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I’ll do that. Give me a second, though. How do I put this delicately…? I have to go for a second to rip ass, so… I’ll be right back.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Tink comes back from the bathroom.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, yeah, so uh… did some searching while I was in there. Yeah, it’ll just take me a few minutes. I’ll just get on my computer and… hack it.

NICK (as Seelie): You’re being real squirrely right now, Tink. Everything okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… I just—I feel like a new Gigoran. I just completely unloaded.

NICK (as Seelie): I should not have asked. I, uh… Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything, and you hack the cameras so I can get back to my murderous mob boss. How about that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

HUDSON: Do I have to roll for Computers?

NICK: Yeah you have to roll for Computers.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, but you have three black dice.

HUDSON: Ah, but since I’m doing a Computers check I can go to my handy-dandy tree, and I get a blue die for my data pad.

NICK: Outlaw tech data breaker, and you get two blue dice for that.


HUDSON: Yeah, that was two, it was two, yeah. I haven’t done this in a while.

NICK: You haven’t.

HUDSON: How come I haven’t touched a computer in like ten episodes?! Alright, so I have 2 Code Breaker that removes a black die and I have a Bypass Security that removes a black die.

NICK: So no black dice then.

HUDSON: So they’re all gone. [laughs]

NICK: Great.

HUDSON: I have four successes and three advantages.

NICK: Alright. Even though you’re trying to access stuff wirelessly, which Star Wars normally doesn’t like, and even though the system is kind of outdated, you’re able to pull everything that you possibly want. You get video. Are you watching the video or just downloading it?

HUDSON: I’m doing both.

NICK: Okay. You see one of the ships that was bombing Kettle’s facility swing in and strafe the spaceport. It lands, and what looks like some special ops pirates put a shape charge on the Afternoon Delight and blow it. You move forward in time and they leave again carrying a special durasteel case that is emanating a slight light from it, and they jump into the ship and go away. So, you have video footage of all that. Three advantages is kind of a lot. Is there anything else you would like to have discovered while you’re pulling all this information from the spaceport?

HUDSON: Um, it’s actually audio and video feed? So I hear where they’re going next.



NICK: Hmm…

CAMERON: That was very smart. [giggles]

NICK: Yeah. So Tink, with your audio download as well, you listen to one of the pirates. They’re climbing into the ship. You can’t catch what the question was that the pilot was yelling, but you hear one of the pirates on the way up the landing ramp holding this containment pod rattle off a list of coordinates before the ship takes off. You’re not sure where those coordinates are—people don’t have the entire galactic map memorized, that would be wild—but you write down the coordinates and you have them and you’re sure it has something to do with Endo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Interesting.

HUDSON: I say to myself.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I take the files and I send them to Karma and I run back to Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I got everything you need; audio, video, the whole shebang. Go ahead and look at File #7, about 30 seconds in.

CAMERON (as Karma): [hesitant] Alright.

NICK: It’s a video of Tink doing a pretty popular dance move in the cockpit of the ship. It looks like it’s from a couple of weeks ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Now, I’ve been trying this new software, so look at File #9.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright?

HUDSON: They open File #9 and it’s just the video feed of them attacking our ship but I CGI Creamsicle doing a dance in the background.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you see the CGI I put in?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is adorable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I don’t think I’m gonna send “this” version to the insurance company, but I will definitely keep it on my data pad to make me smile whenever I’m feeling sad.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright.

NICK: Seelie has been sitting in one of the couches in the main lobby of the ship, and he looks up from his data pad where he’s been scrolling through stuff.

NICK (as Seelie): So, can we, uh… Can we go now?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not really my call.

NICK (as Seelie): Whose call is it? I thought you were in charge, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] You did?! Maybe I am! Alright, it’s time to go. Let’s go, folks, hit the road.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sweetly] Tink, could you text your moms and ask if they know a good mechanic shop?

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… sure.

CAMERON: Karma says this as she’s walking to the cockpit to go start takeoff procedures.

HUDSON: I text my mothers and I say “sup mamas. Y’all got a mechanic in the area? Our ship ran into some problems.” Then I end it by “keep it litty. Your Tink baby.”

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh wow.

NICK: Mossie texts back. “Word up, home slice. What’s the point of having so much hardware in that dome of yours if you can’t even fix your own ride, slick?”

HUDSON: I just text back “lolol.”

NICK: Mossie responds with a very topical meme GIF that you are like ‘wow, I didn’t know she was that on top of the internet culture,’ just like the people playing this game are, and we’re referencing one of those. Maybe it’s Fortnite. [laughs]

LILIT: It’s a wizard pondering his orb.


NICK: So, you’re having a great text conversation with one of your moms. Is this in the group chat or is this just—?

HUDSON: Yes, this is in the group chat. Anyone else could be responding, but no one has yet.

LILIT: Oh no, Xianna just occasionally sends a message that says “sup mamas” with a winky face.

NICK: We get a quick montage of the ship landing back at Kettle’s facility. It only takes a couple hours to drive the distance that it took two days in a speeder because ships are much faster, and the unloading and Seelie waving goodbye as you take off into low atmosphere. And yeah, that’s a question. You’ve exhausted most of your funds. Are you going to try to get the ship repaired or are you going to try to patch it for now?

CAMERON: While Seelie’s stuff was being unloaded, Karma has submitted the claim to the insurance agency through their online app.

NICK: Flip me a dark side point.

HUDSON: You get denied. [laughs]

NICK: Their app is down for maintenance and says “we’ll return soon” but you haven’t been able to actually get the claim all the way through yet.

CAMERON: [big sigh]

NICK: So, do you want to front the money and try to claim it back from the insurance or do you want to patch it and try to continue with your mission for now?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if we need money, I can go back to that place where I borrowed money for my axe. They’re super nice people.

LILIT & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): No, no, no, no, no.

NICK: Do it. Do it, coward.


LILIT: Xianna looks up from her data pad.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we should call Sentinel and ask him for money and tell him that we fucked up pretty badly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s do it in that order so that they give money first and then we say we fucked up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, of course, we will say the money first.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we really didn’t fuck up. We were robbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I guess we fucked up by getting robbed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but we weren’t even at our ship. And it was in a secure facility, in theory.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna thinks robberies are a personal fault.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that tracks, but I don’t think it’s our fault.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you get robbed, it is your fault.

CAMERON (as Karma): I locked the ship’s door.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you didn’t explosive-proof it.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s not my fault they had a bomb.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, we could have bomb-proofed the yacht, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I don’t think so.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, hear me out. You know how there’s the data flight pad recorder in there that can withstand an explosion that records stuff as the plane is crashing? So, what if the whole ship was made out of that? Has anyone ever thought of that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it works that way.

HUDSON (as Tink): But it’s bomb-proof.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it is, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m pretty sure if you took a black box from a ship and attached a bomb to it, it would blow up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Well, I mean, maybe we just need to hire an armed guard on-guard all the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] A second HK! We get two of them!

CAMERON (as Karma): Why don’t we put the first HK back together first?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can get HK back while we are looking for a second HK?

HUDSON (as Tink): Can HK build HK units? Is it like one of those continuous energy machines where they build more of themselves?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I think we should definitely talk to Sentinel. However, there are some damages on the ship that we can’t entirely address but I can do some little patchwork on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Could you get us hull integrity back?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So that we can leave Mandalore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I definitely can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sweet.

HUDSON: I slowly walk away awkwardly.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: We slowly fly the ship through the savannah and find all of the speeders that have broken down and been abandoned out there and steal scrap metal from them so that we have stuff to work with.

NICK: You have supplies and materials in the storage compartments of the Afternoon Delight. Like, there’s stuff to make a patch, because you never know when you need to do that in space.

You supplement the supplies that you have on the ship with some shattered speeders and various detritus that you pull out of the wilderness. You land somewhere outside of the city, and Tink sets about repairing the ship as best he can, making a seal, but also making it so you can still get out of the ship since the entryway was blown up. I’m gonna need you to make a hard Mechanics check with two black dice.

HUDSON: Two failures and three advantages.

NICK: So you repair the ship?

HUDSON: [grinning] I sure do.

NICK: It takes a little time, but you’re able to take the side of a speeder and weld it into place. You seal it up. It’s very much vacuum-capable now. The ship is completely repaired. You did a great job.

HUDSON: I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you.

NICK: It’s totally fine.

CAMERON: Your advantages are you don’t believe the GM.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: The advantage is…

LILIT: When it inevitably fails, we will have time. [laughs]

HUDSON: No, the advantage is I have leftover parts. I don’t understand why, but it’s great because I can sell or use them later.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Oh no.

NICK: So… do you all leave Mandalore?

LILIT: Well I think we call Sentinel first.

CAMERON: We first go into our movie theater and call Sentinel.

NICK: Okay. Tink is finishing up repairing the ship. You retreat to the holo theater.

LILIT: Xianna has made popcorn.

NICK: There’s popcorn. You take your seats and put in a call to Sentinel. You don’t actually have his com number, you don’t know where he is, but the ship has the capability of reaching him. That’s part of why he gave it to you in the first place.

The Holonet takes a while to connect. You’re left in this dim lighting as you see a loading screen. You’re passing the popcorn around. Tink runs in and enters, he’s still holding a welding torch, and grabs a seat. And it finally connects. You see the face of a silver protocol droid too close to the camera. They startle a little bit and lean back away from the camera and get into the right distance that you can see them from the waist up.

NICK (as Cappy): Well, hello. This is Cappy. The crew of the Afternoon Delight, we haven’t heard from you in some time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, is this Galaxy Pizza Co.?

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] No, Tink.

NICK (as Cappy): Uh…  no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding!

NICK (as Cappy): Do you require a pizza, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Require is a strong word, but I could use some ‘za.

NICK (as Cappy): To save the galaxy, are you in need of pizza? I don’t know how to get some to you. I see that, well, your tracker’s been disabled for security purposes. Where are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Cappy, you—

LILIT (as Xianna): You could just transfer us enough money to buy a pizza, and some other things.

NICK: The droid is shoved unceremoniously out of camera range and Sentinel slides into the camera view. He looks tired, but he looks better than he did the last time you saw him when he was in solitary confinement for several months and was escaping prison at the time.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, you finally reached out.

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] Ello Sentinel~

NICK (as Sentinel): Hello. Were you able to secure the Stone Breaker like I sent you out for originally… several weeks ago?

LILIT (as Xianna): Technically yes.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well I wouldn’t know because you haven’t communicated with me since, have you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we did acquire it, past tense.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well yes, because once it has been acquired the acquiring is past tense. Can I see it?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. [chuckles] That would be why it is past tense. We no longer have it.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh…

HUDSON (as Tink): We got jacked up, Sentinel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Endo blew a big old hole in our ship and then he stole it.

NICK (as Sentinel): E-Endo?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You remember that asshole from prison?

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s what I was going to say. That asshole from prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Turns out he has been collecting all the Force doohickeys.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. We had actually gotten the Stone Breaker and the Spirit Breaker.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, congratulations. So at least you still have one. This is still salvageable.

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, no. See, the whole thing of him breaking into our ship and stealing all of our stuff is that, um, that stuff is stolen. Also, the two items that Kettle had that you sent us after on Mandalore, he also acquired those. That attack on her facility happened while we were there.

NICK (as Sentinel): Wait. Sent you after on Mandalore? What do you mean? I haven’t talked to you since we escaped prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you not have a mind conversation with Tink that he thought was a dream? And talked to…

LILIT (as Xianna): Somebody told Tink to go to Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): And not contact Nyx, and have them meet us as the spaceport with a message from you? Have you slept since then? Did you forget?

NICK (as Sentinel): You went all the way to Mandalore based on a vision that Tink had?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK (as Sentinel): [stammers] Tink…

HUDSON (as Tink): [chipper] yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Are you… Are you Force-sensitive?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, no one’s ever asked me that before, and I’ve never thought about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought the last time we were all in the same place you touched Tink’s forehead awkwardly or something and then were like “no.”

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s why I’m confused. I’ve proven, I’ve sensed, that you are not Force-sensitive. We all have the Force within us, but you do not connect that higher understanding of the powers that bind the universe together. So, you all went all the way to a planet based purely on… Tink having a hallucination?

HUDSON (as Tink): It wasn’t a hallucination. It feels—

LILIT (as Xianna): See?! I told you it was a hallucination.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I told you, you had gotten into my glitterstim.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I did not get into the glitterstim. It was not like “the Force,” like the name brand Force that you pay extra for at the store. I’m like on the lite—

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s the generic Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): yeah, so no, I’m not on the main Force, I’m on like the alt Force.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, I need you to think very carefully about what you say next. … I think you’re describing the dark side, and I’m very concerned for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… Well, uh…

[a cat mews sweetly in the background]

NICK (as Sentinel): Do you feel—When these feelings come to you, do you feel extremely strong emotions? Are you often afraid?

HUDSON (as Tink): I… I’ve been described more as aloof than afraid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, that’s okay then. Aloof is very much a light side feeling. You can feel that as much as you want.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh good, good, yeah. I’m not afraid. I do have strong emotions, because it kind of bothers me. The thought just kinda jingles around in there and it’s like oh, you know, why are you in there, thought, get out of there.

NICK (as Sentinel): We can talk more about this later, Tink, but I am positive that you do not have the ability to attune yourself to the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait. Why don’t we just do the blood test so I can test my, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, test his mitochondria.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was miticolosis.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think it’s mitosis.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s meiosis, actually.

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s midi-chlorians, and that’s not actually based on anything. That’s an old superstition that has nothing to do with how powerful you are in the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Who have you been talking to that talked about midi-chlorians?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know, those weird Jedi that were always on Ryloth during the Clone Wars talked about midi-chlorians all the time.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s very much an old guard belief. It’s very outdated. Even before the purge of the Jedi Temple, very few Jedi believed in that anymore. We were able to, uh… It had more to do with your spiritual and mental fortitude, your force of will, nothing about your blood content.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Alright, well, good to know.

NICK: Sentinel runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

NICK (as Sentinel): Either way, whatever coincidence or Force guidance brought you to where you needed to be, I have something I have to tell you. It sounds like, well… I sent you after six Force artifacts, the pieces of the Shattered Force. You had two. How many did Kettle have before she was robbed?

CAMERON (as Karma): Two.

NICK: He looks really concerned.

NICK (as Sentinel): How many did Endo manage to collect on his own?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I’m gonna go out for at least one, because he was definitely teleporting. Is invisibility one of the powers? Because he also went invisible I think a few times.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t know. I don’t know everything about these artifacts. We have to assume, especially based on the change I felt in the Force, that he has all six, which could spell the end of the galaxy as we know it, someone like Endo having that kind of power. But, there is a seventh artifact.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why didn’t you tell us there was a seventh artifact from the start?

NICK (as Sentinel): I only found out about it recently myself. I thought it was a myth. [chuckles] Besides everything else being a myth. But I was finally able to track down its location. I spent the last of my liquid funds getting this information.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so, maybe awkward question, but you’re saying you don’t have any more money?

NICK: You see Cappy lean into the screen and just rapidly shake his head back and forth in a jerky droid way. Sentinel looks at Cappy, nods, and looks back at the camera.

NICK (as Sentinel): We’re completely out of money.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, um… cool. Cool, cool, cool. Great.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, a Force question. Can you take, you know, objects and turn them into credits like with magic? Like, make money?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think that’s how it works.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s called alchemy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK: He makes an utterly baffled face in the hologram.

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll just steal the credits!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or we just wait for my insurance claim to go through.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we do both. You know? Have a bit of fun while we wait for the insurance money. We can file some false insurance claims.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): Those are always fun to do. [gasps] We can all get fake married and then we can steal all the money from our fake partners.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I thought you meant us getting fake married to each other.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I thought you meant the crew.


LILIT (as Xianna): No,  not us together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was not seeing how that would be a successful scam.

LILIT (as Xianna): We each individually, under fake names, create elaborate backstories and then we woo some rich weirdos, and then we get married. You get them to not agree to a prenup. That is the important part. You have to not get the prenup. Then, you can steal all the money.

NICK (as Sentinel): Crew of the Afternoon Delight.

NICK: Sentinel’s voice is louder as though he’s turned up the reception on his holo cam.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sentinel, you can join in too.

NICK (as Sentinel): Crew, I need you to focus up.

NICK: He points at his eyes and he points at the camera.

NICK (as Sentinel): Focus. Are you with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. If all four of us get fake married, we can get so much money.

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna… Xianna.

CAMERON: Karma makes the focused hand gesture back.

NICK: Sentinel nods to Karma and then holds up one finger and counts to three on his fingers.

NICK (as Sentinel): One, two, three, eyes on me. Eyes are moving, mouths are shut.

HUDSON: I’m really behind, so I do the motion he does a second ago with two fingers but I poke my eyes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Look what you did to Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why did you do that?

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m too far away to have done that with the Force. You just stabbed yourself in the eyes with your fingers for no reason, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

NICK: he sits back exasperatedly in his hover chair.

NICK (as Sentinel): Listen. Endo has unimaginable power now, but he has not gained full control of the Force in the galaxy because of the seventh artifact. I found out it’s the one that binds them together. But Endo will sense it. The power of the Shattered Force calls to each other. You need to beat him there and get it first or all is truly lost.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Where are we going?

LILIT (as Xianna): Please say somewhere cool that has like a big mall that would be very fun for us.

HUDSON (as Tink): That would be fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then we can, you know, double up because then we can steal money. We can do a fun heist while we’re getting the seventh object.

CAMERON (as Karma): We were just on Mandalore. We could’ve gone to a mall there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mandalore has terrible malls. You know this.

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re going to Dagobah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh…

CAMERON (as Karma): So no malls then.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t have any pretzel shops on their mall. I don’t even think they have a mall.

NICK (as Sentinel): There’s no mall.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a swamp.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s the problem. That’s how they have no pretzel shop.

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s a small unsettled planet in the backwater reaches of the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I wanted a Wetzel pretzel.


NICK (as Sentinel): You need to hurry. Wetzel pretzels or not, the galaxy is in danger and you’re the only ones that can stop this threat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] Okay fine, we’ll go to Dagobah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have coordinates on Dagobah?

NICK (as Sentinel): They’re already uploaded to your hyperspace computer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, fantastic.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who are we meeting there?

NICK (as Sentinel): There shouldn’t be any sentient life on the planet. There’s dangerous wildlife, but it’s otherwise uninhabited. Be careful, it’s a strong nexus of dark side energy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Are we supposed to comb through an entire planet for some artifact that we don’t even know what it is?

NICK (as Sentinel): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, do we have any clue where it’s supposed to be?

NICK (as Sentinel): There is very little land mass on Dagobah. Most of it is swamps, places you could not land, not traverse. The wildlife itself would kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t throw an artifact into a swamp.

NICK (as Sentinel): The coordinates will get you close. It’s on one of these larger land masses. These things tend to work out. Like I said, it’s a Force nexus.

CAMERON (as Karma): But for the dark side is what you said.

NICK (as Sentinel): It will draw you towards it. It will also draw you towards mortal peril. Be careful.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh great.

NICK: And the hologram flickers off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so I know we’re supposed to be fighting the end of the galaxy as we know it and rushing to the stupid swamp planet so that we can get this artifact, but can we stop for a pretzel first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I like the ones with the cinnamon sugar.

HUDSON (as Tink): Honestly, I would do the cinnamon sugar ones too. That’s a good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): What’s really cool is if you take the cinnamon sugar ones and then you dip it in the cheese sauce.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s good, I promise.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m willing to try it. Like… I just had an idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] We get the pizza pretzels too!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, we get both? It’s like a lunch savory then sweet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. We’ll get a whole bucket of pretzels.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, in conclusion, what we do is we go to Dagobah. The day before we send out a flyer online; boxing match of the century between Tink and HK, on Dagobah, hovering above a swamp, and we have like a boxing ring and stands, and we raise money that way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): No, let’s just steal the money from somewhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that is so, so overcomplicated, Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we haven’t fixed HK yet either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We have all the pieces, and our brilliant mechanic is going to fix him.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True. That is in my to-do list.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can work on that while I go fly us to Dagobah.

CAMERON: Karma leaves. [chuckles]

NICK: So, the crew of the Afternoon Delight scatters around the ship. Karma goes to the cockpit. The coordinates have been entered. It’s both the galactic coordinates and a landing pattern for a specific part of the planet. You type in the coordinates and punch it, quickly accelerating from the orbit around Mandalore and into the glowing hyperspace tube. It’s gonna be a couple of days to get there. It’s not close. What do you all do during your downtime?

CAMERON: There’s a montage of Tink sitting at the table fixing HK and Karma just popping up around behind him with a trash bag cleaning up all of the stuff that’s thrown all over the ship.

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Xianna’s teaching Creamsicle more tricks.

NICK: Nice. Tink, I need you to make a very important Mechanics check.

HUDSON: [laughs] What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be average difficulty. Here’s the deal. The more successful you are, the more experience points we’re going to spend to actually help HK catch back up to the rest of the crew.

HUDSON: I flip a light side point.

CAMERON: Do you wanna flip five light side points? [laughs]

NICK: No, not allowed.

HUDSON: Two successes and an advantage!

NICK: Well, you’re able to fix him. You’re even able to upgrade him some. The Rancor Protocol is able to fit back in place a little bit better than it was before. You have to replace big parts of his chassis and his limbs, some of his sensor suite. Basically, the amount of repairs that he needs is enough to make an entirely new droid, but his eyes finally flicker online as you close the final panel. He gets 200 experience points, which is a decent amount, it will do him some good.

He is awake, and we see him look at Tink and sit up on the table. He sits up extremely smoothly and hops off the table by pushing off with his arms and lands on his feet silently. You can’t even hear servos like you’re used to. HK turns to look at you and says:

NICK (as HK): Oh hey, Boss Man. How’s it going?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Do you— Alright. We gotta go through some checks here.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you died!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, wait, shut up! What’s your name?

NICK (as HK): Oh, my name is HK-67. How’s it hanging?

HUDSON (as Tink): This droid sounds too relaxed. I think I messed up.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, HK, what is your favorite activity?

NICK (as HK): I do sure like to kill me some organics when I get the chance, but you know, being dead gave me some time to think. It may still be my favorite activity, but maybe there’s more to my not-life than that. I’ve got a lot of weird memories rattling around up here and it’s gonna take a while to process, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah. Usually it would take a while to process, but—

HUDSON: Then I open a panel and I just turn a knob and it processes so much quicker.


NICK (as HK): Oh wow! Ah, ooh, wow. That… ooh, that’s like roughly a year of therapy and it just happened in 30 seconds. That was a lot. Thanks Tink. Thank you for that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, no problem.

NICK (as HK): Well, uh… long story short, you know how my central processor is the Rancor Protocol?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as HK): Well, the Rancor Protocol apparently is a lot more complicated than you all thought it was. I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet, but um… I’m not just a droid. There’s a lot more going on here.

LILIT: Xianna pats HK on the shoulder.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you know, whenever you are ready to share with us, just know that we are open to conversations and however you want to move forward just keep us updated.

NICK (as HK): Wow, I really appreciate that emotionally well-balanced response, Xianna. I feel very supported. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, they haven’t taken drugs in a while. It’s weird.

LILIT (as Xianna): What? I am always like this. As much as I take drugs, I am a very emotionally supportive person.

HUDSON (as Tink): You honestly didn’t use to be. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey. To be fair, Xianna has always been much better at helping other people deal with their emotions than she is with dealing with her own.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I have always encouraged other people to look inside themself and figure out their own emotional turmoil. I just bury mine deep, deep down and never process it. It works out great.

NICK (as HK): And since Nolaa made her start watching the Holonet videos about emotional balance she’s really taken on a more intentional approach to her friends’ well-being, which I really appreciate. I will tell you one thing. I’m not sure of all the implications yet even with that particular knob turned, still thinking about it, but um… I am pretty sure the thing that constitutes my soul is actually a roughly 2,000 year old Force ghost.

CAMERON (as Karma): What…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh.

NICK (as HK): I think my intelligence is a structure based on a super-old dead Force-sensitive something or other.

CAMERON (as Karma): So you’re telling us that you’ve had the Force the whole time and you’ve been wanting to drain Tink’s blood?

LILIT (as Xianna): You didn’t need to pump yourself with blood!

NICK (as HK): Oh no, that’s still very much the plan. Now I know why I wanted the Force so badly. It’s what’s given me this structure.

NICK: HK is gesturing to emphasize points. He looks at everybody as he speaks. He has more weight on one foot than the other with his hip slightly popped out. It feels like talking to a person not a droid.

NICK (as HK): That’s just why I’m like this and why I’ve been less consistent. This is basically an organic neural net built into the Force and then stuck into the Rancor Protocol. So now I’m not sure how it works. Neither was whoever it was that’s part of me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, that’s very cool. Um… Yeah, yeah, that’s a lot to process, HK. I’m just saying, you’re a Force ghost? Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Force ghost is supposed to be very spooky-scary, but I’m actually not spooky-scared.

NICK (as HK): Well, I’m still me. I’m still this murder droid you all know and love. I just have… It’s like all of the plugs are finally plugged all the way in, you know? There’s—

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I know what you mean, HK. [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): Heyo.

NICK: [smiling] And HK goes for a high-five with Xianna.

NICK (as HK): Anyway. I’m getting too heavy. I don’t know where we’re going, but I’m assuming we’ll get to kill some things. Have you seen my gun?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are going to a terrible swamp planet where nobody lives. There’s no malls. We can’t do a heist.

NICK (as HK): I don’t like that. May have knocked a bunch of the cobwebs loose in the old ticker of mine, but still can’t swim particularly well and don’t really like water.

CAMERON (as Karma): We are going to try to avoid being in the water. I don’t like this kind of water.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are apparently going to be on the land portion.

NICK (as HK): Well that’s good.

CAMERON: Karma hands HK their gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): Here you go, buddy.

NICK: He plugs his finger into the trigger assembly. The barrels spin a little. His face still doesn’t move, but just looking at it you can feel the satisfied smile, and he slings it onto his back.

NICK (as HK): Ah, that’s better.

CAMERON: I think Karma probably spent some time cleaning that while Tink was reassembling HK, because if he got stomped by a mythosaur, and he was holding the gun, it probably wasn’t in fantastic shape.

NICK: But it looks good now. HK looks around the room.

NICK (as HK): I missed you.

CAMERON (as Karma): We missed you too.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey—

NICK (as HK): Oh, sorry, I was talking to the gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well you already put it on your back.

NICK (as HK): She knows I meant it.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: HK shrugs.

NICK (as HK): I missed you all too. Thank you for not leaving me dead. That was, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t take credit for that. I thought you were dead beyond repair.

HUDSON (as Tink): I knew you were alive the whole time.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I was dead. You managed to bring me back somehow.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, but you said you had memories while you were dead, so you were alive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You said being dead gave you a lot of time to think.


NICK (as HK): That’s like a weird spirit floaty-ghosty thing. It was super strange, and the memory is rapidly fading so I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to explain it in detail.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Oh, important question, HK. Inspector Mode, is that still an option?

NICK (as HK): I sure hope not.

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t you dare put HK into Inspector Mode!

HUDSON (as Tink): I would never put HK into Inspector Mode… without consent.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a fate worse than death.

NICK: HK opens up the panel that you messed with to do that and looks down.

NICK (as HK): These circuits all look different. Tink, you did a pretty big overhaul. I don’t know if it’s going to be as easy to do as it was before, and I’d hate to lose my newfound understanding of communication and… I’m not going to say empathy because I don’t really care, but I do understand other people’s emotions a lot better now.

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you can be empathetic and not care.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think that’s sympathy.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can be empathetic and not sympathetic.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think sympathy is when you know other people have the emotions but empathy is when you feel the other emotions.

NICK (as HK): Okay, then I’m sympathetic. I understand what people are feeling, it’s just not super important to me. I do think it will be useful.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s okay.

NICK (as HK): So, we’re going to a swamp, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): [breathy] Yep.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re thrilled, but we are stopping for pretzels first?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): We already did. We’re not stopping again.

LILIT (as Xianna): What are you—No…

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

HUDSON: Wait. Did we actually stop for pretzels?

CAMERON: [smiling] yes. We found a drive thru pretzel place.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma says “we already did” and the camera pans over and there’s a large box, like a donut box with pretzels lined up and various dipping sauces, and the whole crew grabs snacks. HK grabs one and puts it towards his face and goes “oh,” and everybody else gets to eat snacks and it’s great.

HUDSON (as Tink): Delicious.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode.


ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Blooper Special

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode:
Blooper Special

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello and welcome to Tabletop Squadron. Due to health and scheduling issues there is no new episode today. However, we do have some bloopers for you that we’ve pulled from the Patreon feed. If you’d like more bloopers, side adventures, movie nights, and all sorts of other goodies, please check out our Patreon at Patreon.com/TabletopSquadron.


LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.

NICK: [claps once sharply, laughs maniacally]

CAMERON: Did you get the mosquito?

NICK: I think I missed. I did punch myself.

CAMERON: [distraught] No!

NICK: I did punch myself in the stomach, though.

HUDSON: [giggling] I was trying to push  him off and he jumped and he went flying. [laughs]

LILIT: [sweet voice (for babies or animals] Oh, aw baby~

HUDSON: He almost went in the trash. I almost threw our trash cat away.

LILIT: Almost went into the trash where he belongs.

NICK: Lilit, would you rather distort the weird noise I’m about to make or would you rather just go look for a fucking dinosaur noise?

LILIT: I would rather look for my own dinosaur noise.


NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That’s not important right now. What’s important is he died doing what he loved… attempted murder.

HUDSON: Okay, so I had an idea.

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: What if I just told everyone to believe and really concentrate, and that triggered my Force abilities?


NICK: I’m gonna sneeze. … [sneezes]

CAMERON: [silly] Bless you.

NICK: Can you rephrase that and not make it sound like a money shot thing?


LILIT: No, leave it in, leave it how it is.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: I’ll just re-edit it back in.


HUDSON: Just a second, there’s a war going on.

LILIT: Oh my god! Ah!



LILIT: Oh my god. Someone call the Coast Guard. We’re under attack.

HUDSON: Give me a second.

LILIT: I don’t know if you could see any of it, but Fry is in the bread and Leeloo’s behind the chair, and Leeloo stands up with their paw and does a swat, swat, swat thing at Fry, and Fry retaliates through the back of the chair slats, so it’s just them going swat-swat-swat at each other.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: I just saw the gazelle leap as Fry—

HUDSON: And then the gazelle leap as Leeloo retreats.

LILIT: Yeah. Because Leeloo ran away, so Fry had to follow.

NICK: Ah, fair.

LILIT: I just want the light to go out.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Either stay on or go out.

NICK: [stammers] Can you just, like, turn off the light? Or will it be too dark?

LILIT: There’s no other lights.


LILIT: There’s one light switch in this room.

NICK: It also might be possible to tighten the bulb. It maybe is just loose?

LILIT: It’s one of those full globe lights.



LILIT: So we would have to get up there…

HUDSON: Loosen the side screws, and then take the bulb off.

LILIT: …and unscrew all the sides.

NICK: Oh, that’s such a pain. Maybe it would be better to just—

LILIT: Yeah, it would take like a solid ten minutes because we’d also have to go find the stepladder to get up and do that.

NICK: Well, it’s almost over. Just throw a brick at it. You’re gonna sell that house anyway. Who cares?

LILIT: Yeah.


CAMERON: Move all the audio equipment first.

NICK: Oh yeah, yeah, that part.

CAMERON: Just to avoid the glass.

LILIT: Certainly not whoever would buy this house. They’d be totally fine with just a broken light, glass everywhere.

HUDSON: You all are lucky because I almost, earlier, when I did that spraying action on the mythosaur, said “that’s the money shot!”

LILIT: Oh god.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON: But that’s too on the nose. [laughs]

NICK: I don’t know at this point.

CAMERON: [sighs] No, we have to be classy.

FRY: [loud adorable meow, light jingle]

NICK: Yes, thank you, Fry. And—

HUDSON: Or like that Mountain Dew commercial.

LILIT: What?

HUDSON: The like, um… the mystery themes on the Mountain Dew com—Am I crazy?

NICK: Yes. [laughs]

LILIT: Yes. I mean yeah, but…

HUDSON: [laughs] Y’all don’t know what I’m talking about? It’s a black and white commercial and it has two brothers or something and they steal shit and they’re wearing overcoats and they have really sharp beaks.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: What?!

NICK: Um… yeah, so—

LILIT: It was Mountain Dew?

HUDSON: Maybe I’m wrong. Hold on.

NICK: [sweetly] Cameron, she’s helping.

LILIT: Are you thinking of Spy vs. Spy?

HUDSON: Yes! It’s that.

CAMERON: [sweetly] Robin, you need to help by killing the mosquito!

LILIT: These things?

HUDSON: Yeah that!

NICK: She’s hiding.


LILIT: They’re just like a little cartoon thing.

NICK: They’re from MAD TV.

HUDSON: Spy vs. Spy I thought was Mountain Dew.


LILIT: No, that’s like a comic strip.

NICK: I bet you there was a Spy vs. Spy Mountain Dew commercial at some point, actually.

HUDSON: [excited] There are! I just looked it up. There are.

NICK: [joyful] Hi Fry!

CAMERON: Fry, how do you think we should end the episode?

NICK: With Fry.

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] Yes!

LILIT: Huds—Oh no…


HUDSON: We’re not actually arguing in real life, Lilit!


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron… I’m your host and game master Nick. Episode 37! This is all in the wrong order. Try again. [laughs] I did the hard part. Heh…

NICK: And last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, my name is Cunty Bush Did 9/11 Jones.



LILIT: Wow~!


HUDSON: Okay, so my plan was—

CAMERON: Goodness gracious.

LILIT: Can I include ANY of that? I don’t think so.

HUDSON: I was wanting to say something that could not be included in anything we ever release, and I was like “what could I say that would do that?” [laughs]

NICK: You had to go hard. I’m kind of proud of this.



LILIT: You… You really had to… had to go there.

NICK: How did you know the name of this week’s Patreon NPC, Hudson?

HUDSON: Like, I don’t even think this can go in bloopers.




HUDSON: Wait. So which part of the name can’t go in bloopers?

NICK: Lilit can put—All of it! All of it. Well, mostly the first name. So, this could go in bloopers, just Lilit’s gonna have to bleep out the actual name and you’re just gonna hear our response.

HUDSON: Yes! [laughs] yes.

NICK: And normally I would say the listener’s imagination is going to supply something way worse than what you said, but in this case I’m not sure that’s possible.

HUDSON: This will be the number one Easter egg that listeners will be like “I wonder what Hudson actually said that day.”

NICK: Oh my gosh…

LILIT: No one will ever know.

CAMERON: Question for next year’s TabletopCon. What name did Hudson say in Episode 37?

NICK: Yeah… I refuse.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Did you actually—? Do your introduction!


HUDSON: Oh yeah. I should do it again. Okay.

NICK: Luckily, the threat in this arena is currently sleeping off a heaping helping of knock-out gas imbibed at the hands of the crew.

[cell phone rings]

CAMERON: [gasps dramatically] Nicholas!

NICK: As I get a call from work! Work… don’t call me anymore. I quit.

LILIT: [makes mocking sounds]

NICK: Sorry Lilit, I missed that. One more time?

LILIT: [makes mocking sounds, loudly]

NICK: Thank you.


NICK: If you wanna describe—

LILIT: I just have to interject very quick. [dramatically] Shattered chassis?! I did no such thing!

NICK: … I don’t get that reference at all.

LILIT: [emphasizing each word] Shat her chassis.

NICK: [groaning] Oh…

HUDSON: Oh god.

LILIT: I’m sorry. That’s why I apologized in advance.

NICK: Lilit’s in rare form today.


HUDSON: Pretty good.

NICK: Strapped onto the body at a weird angle. His chest has been crushed in. He does not look fine.

LILIT: His arms were cut off. His legs were cut off.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: His ears were cut off.

LILIT (as Xianna): So Tink, do you want to go through the hallways or do you want to go back up the chute?


LILIT (as Xianna): Fry, we did not ask you!


HUDSON: Okay, he’s sitting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where did this random loth-cat come from? This is so weird. Go away, little minou minou. Go away.

NICK: —3.5 meters of Tink in his broad shoulders, and then cuts away.

CAMERON: I believe Tink is 1.7 meters tall.

LILIT: Yeah, 3.5 meters…

NICK: He’s only 1.7 meters tall?

HUDSON: You all weren’t—

LILIT: He’s not like 10-something feet tall, Nick!

NICK: I’m bad at numbers.

CAMERON: He’s like a little over 6 foot.

LILIT: This is why every time you use meters I try to remind you of what that would be in feet.

NICK: I know that a meter is roughly a yard and a yard is three feet, but for whatever reason that logic doesn’t transfer into when I’m talking.

CAMERON: It’s like slightly bigger than a yard.

NICK: Yeah.

NICK: So I’ll retake that but with numbers correctly.

CAMERON: [giggling] He’s a big boy but not 3.5 meters.

LILIT: He is not 12 foot Home Depot skeleton tall.

HUDSON: Here’s the thing. You all didn’t account for that episode that you and Cam weren’t on where I fell in that vat of toxic goo and—


NICK: That’s it.

LILIT: Yeah, you’re right.

CAMERON: And we’ve just been too scared to mention it since then.

LILIT: I forgot that your mutant X-Men powers were activated.


NICK: Oh goodness. Okay.

NICK: For the record, I ate too many chicken wings and now I’m too full and my tummy hurts.

HUDSON: I’m sorry.

CAMERON: [sweetly] Aw, Nicholas.

NICK: [pouty] They were so good, though.

[several thuds, light jingling]

NICK: Oh no…

HUDSON: What fell?

LILIT: [laughs] Fry knocked my phone out of my hand which then hit him, which then scared him, so he jumped out of the chair and then looked up at me as if I was the problem.


HUDSON: I plan—

LILIT: [slyly] He’s a wet ass pussy.

HUDSON: [huffs]

NICK: Damn, Lilit!

LILIT: I mean, you can’t say the cat is wet without me saying he’s a wet ass pussy!

NICK: That was an appreciative “damn,” like “good stuff.”


NICK (as Seelie): Alright. Well, I think I remember you all yelling a second ago that you want to go see the boss. We were trying to fart—

CHRISTINE: We were trying to fart!


LILIT: Fart, fart, fart!

CAMERON: You know it’s good for you.

LILIT: Did you like that?

NICK (as Seelie): Better out than in, I always say.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Seelie): I have a flock of, uh…

NICK: Fuck. What are the name of those things~?

HUDSON: Birds!

CAMERON: [laughs] Penguins!

NICK (as Seelie): [overenthusiastic] Thanks, Hudson!

NICK: [laughs] You were so excited. Um…

LILIT: Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop. Blooper reel! Boop, boop, boop.

Word document download: S2 Episode 38 Do Droids Dream of Electric Banthas

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 38:
Do Droids Dream of Electric Banthas?

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 38 of Season 2! It’s raining outside just like it’s raining in our hearts. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Studious day we’re having, Master nick.

NICK: Ohoho, indubitably.

HUDSON: [overenthusiastic] Indubitably. I am Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer!


NICK: Ha-ha! Top show! Up next, of course, we have Lilit.

LILIT: [very flat] Hello…

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

HUDSON: I knew you couldn’t top mine.


LILIT: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

CAMERON: Wait. Did you do a funny intro, Hudson? I thought it was just normal.

HUDSON: Oh, yeah I—

LILIT: That’s just how Hudson talks. I don’t understand.


HUDSON: Yeah, you’re all right.

NICK: Last but not least, we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

NICK: Hahaha!

LILIT: Uh-oh.

## Recap

NICK: When we last left off you all had managed to help repel the invasion of Endo’s pirates but not before they had managed to steal Kettle’s collection of the Shattered Force. Both of her artifacts were taken by Endo’s crew. You were able to escape a hunting group of stathas, and it ended with you having a long conversation about the logistics of bringing repair supplies to Kettle’s base.

You managed to hitch a lift with Seelie Mox who was headed back to the capital of Mandalore, and you all, and Mills, and Balthazar the strill, were able to hitch a lift on Kettle’s luxury speeder and head back to civilization. That’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight hunched around a campfire at night with their driver, Seelie Mox, their safari guide, Mills, and the hairless strill, Balthazar. You are otherwise alone in the Mandalorian wilderness. The distant trill of a hunting group of stathas pierces the night as you stare into the flames. There’s the subtle crackle of the wood as it burns. You hear crickets on the horizon. The stars are bright above you.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, how’s it been going, Seelie?

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, uh… pretty good. You know, driving whoever needs driving, keeping up with Kettle when I got to, kinda my jam. Nothing’s really changed that much. The Empire did some pretty ridiculous stuff. Blew up a planet. Pretty crazy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Seelie): But it looks like the thing that blew up the planet got destroyed, so that’s cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Seelie, what are your dreams, your aspirations?

NICK (as Seelie): My dreams…?

NICK: He stares into the stars above and rubs at his arms to ward off the chill. The fire crackles.

NICK (as Seelie): Eh, probably to drive, you know, like criminally. Help people to escape places. That’s something that I really aspire to.

CAMERON (as Karma): Isn’t that what you’re doing?

NICK (as Seelie): Yep, living my best life, baby.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: He finger guns to Karma across the fire.

CAMERON: Karma does an awkward mom finger gun back.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Picture that however you may.

NICK (as Seelie): You know, it’s been a while since we talked, Tink. We used to get each other out of jams all the time. What are your dreams?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well you know, right now I’m just with my best buds on a ship traveling the universe, just going along with the flow of the universe. So, I don’t know what else I could ask for at this point. But I guess, hmm… probably to be one of the most well-known hackers that isn’t truly known.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, so do you want to be known or not known?

HUDSON (as Tink): I want to be known but not by Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): You want to be known as the looming shadow in the darkness.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought you were. I thought that’s why you left your tag whenever you hacked.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I’ve been switching through tags. I think I’m gonna finally land on one that will actually also come with a costume.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so my latest and final hacker persona, the one that’s gonna get me famous, is Anonymouse. I never meet with people in person unless I’m wearing this homemade mouse head.

LILIT (as Xianna): How do you spell that name? Just in case anyone was curious.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s spelled A-N-O-N-I-M-A-U-5.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): That doesn’t spell Anonymouse.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it does in a cool way.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that spells Anonymou-‘five.’

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, the 5 is like the rest of the word but you were… you’re too lazy to really spell out “mouse,” so you do the cool thing with the 5 instead.

LILIT (as Xianna): But a 5 is the exact same amount of characters as an S.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, you’re not spelling out five.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s just one character.

HUDSON (as Tink): But you leave out the E.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but you could have just put an S.

HUDSON (as Tink): It just looks cooler, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Does it?

HUDSON (as Tink): I need to show you the mouse head I’ve been working on. I promise you it’s not scary.

NICK (as Seelie): No, see, the reason you spell it with numbers is that’s how you can tell who understands the culture when they’re talking about it. If someone calls it Anonymou-‘five,’ then you know they’re not cool, but if they say Anonimau5,’ you know they are. It’s like a subtle test.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s a good point. That’s a good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I’m going to say Anonymou-‘five.’

HUDSON (as Tink): You do what you do. I’ll do what I do.

NICK (as Seelie): See, but Xianna’s pretty cool and aware, so like, she’s saying it ironically. That’s okay too.

LILIT (as Xianna): No!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah! She is!

LILIT (as Xianna): Is there no way for me to not care while saying this name?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, not if… If you wanna be cool, then no, there’s not.

NICK (as Seelie): But I think this is a good conversation topic, though. Not to just assume some sort of proctor role or conversational leader position here, but uh… Karma, what are your dreams~?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m pretty sure Karma wants to start a daycare. I heard that before. Didn’t you hear that before?

CAMERON (as Karma): Do I?! What?

LILIT (as Xianna): Absolutely not. No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, well never mind. What is it, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, my twins are grown. I’m done with kids.

NICK: Mills stops playing the harmonica, lowers it from his face still holding it nearby, and says…

NICK (as Mills): Some would argue she’s already started a daycare.

NICK: …and then goes back to playing harmonica again.

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns at Mills, less mom-like this time.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I guess… kinda like Tink, there’s a lot going on right now that kinda works for me with just the traveling around, just doing jobs as we go. I guess it would be nice to go back home and just not have to work, but I would probably get bored pretty quickly. So, I don’t know, maybe I’ll be a safari guide.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, that’s my gig. Well, it was my gig. Now that the speeder’s blown up, I guess there’s an empty birth, but you’d need a speeder and a certification. I will say, if that’s something you’re interested in doing, the easiest way is to kill a safari guide and assume his identity. I mean, to win it in a Sabacc game.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay, noted. Thank you.

NICK (as Mills): You just have to have the medallion is the thing. So, if you have the clearance on your speeder that the satellites see that you’re allowed to be in the wilderness, then you’re good, so really you just need a speeder or the clearance to attach to a speeder. Killing someone can get it for you, being given it, or you could go through the whole certification thing which takes a long time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’d probably go through the certification course.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay, so it seems like Karma’s dreams are to be employed in something interesting, maybe on Glee Anselm.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay. That’s very attainable.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have honed a very particular set of skills and I would like to be able to continue using those.

NICK: Seelie looks contemplative for a second and then looks over to Xianna. Every time he says “dreams” his eyes get real wide and his eyebrows rise really high up on his forehead.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as Seelie): Xianna, your turn. What are your dreams~?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t understand why this is so hard for everyone else. I want me and my very sexy girlfriend to live a fabulous life of crime.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that tracks.

NICK (as Seelie): I would like to amend my dream to Xianna’s dream, please.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna’s dream is your new dream?

NICK (as Seelie): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as Seelie): Perfect.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! You know what? I know someone who’s single and looking… and may be your employer.

LILIT (as Xianna): We already have all the positions filled!

CAMERON (as Karma): We are not setting Kettle up with Seelie.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh kriff, no. Kettle’s my boss. That would be so weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): What? That’s happened so many times before.

LILIT (as Xianna): But it’s like an HR violation, and besides, we were going to do three dating contestants and we already have three.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if one of them dies?

NICK (as Seelie): Also, when she gets mad at people she knows, they tend to die horribly. Lately it’s been being fed to a mythosaur, but before that it was this gigantic robotic tiger fish thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh. Uh-huh.

NICK (as Seelie): And before that she would just shoot them. So, I kinda like my position as off to the side, sometimes drive a speeder. It’s safer there. I’d rather just keep that relationship about where it is.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair.

NICK (as Seelie): Also Tink, I’m kinda getting the impression that you’re trying to help Kettle out with that arrangement and you’re not really considering what would be best for me, and that hurts, man. We’ve known each other a long time.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t say you “had” to do it, I said if you’re looking for love I know someone who’s single.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, I’m absolutely looking for love but not with my murderous mob boss… boss.

LILIT (as Xianna): But the whole point of the show is that she is the fabulous bachelorette, so of course we are catering to her. She is the focus of the show.

NICK (as Seelie): Nobody offered to make me the fabulous bachelor of a cool show to pay off debts and avoid being killed…

NICK: Seelie looks off to the side and kicks at a dirt clod from where he’s sitting.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Hey, Seelie, there’s still time, don’t worry.

NICK: Without being asked, Mills lowers his harmonica and says:

NICK (as Mills): My dream is to kill all the trees… all of them.

CAMERON (as Karma): On every planet?

NICK (as Mills): The entire galaxy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Dang… um.

NICK (as Mills): I gotta save up enough money to get a star destroyer. I’ll just go from planet to planet killing trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I think most species tend to appreciate oxygen.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I’m fine with kelp and grasslands and moss and other types of plants. It’s just the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm. Yeah, but depending on the planet the trees can be a real big impact there.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I’ll leave Kashyyyk for last. Pretty sure that’s the only planet with giant trees. Everywhere else it’s like glowing mushrooms or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we all know the rule that only one planet is allowed to have trees in the galaxy.

NICK (as Mills): They can have trees, but only one planet is allowed to be a giant deciduous rainforest.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, okay.

NICK (as Mills): And that’s Kashyyyk. But that’s my dream.

HUDSON (as Tink): So this sounds like a very kriffed up Lorax situation.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Mills): An anti-Lorax.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as Mills): That famous Jedi myth of the Lorax, speaker of trees.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes-yes, we all know about the Lorax.

NICK (as Mills): My avowed nemesis.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s really weird that you’ve decided that the Lorax is your nemesis.

NICK (as Mills): He’s the friend of the trees.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Mills): Anyway. I’m very assured in my dreams and goals. We don’t really need to talk about it more.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think anyone’s gonna argue with you if you try to take out all the trees on Unroola Dawn. They’ve got it coming.

NICK (as Mills): That’s my first stop. If I happen to hit some of the horrifying monsters and monkeys and shark centipedes, then that would be fine too.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I forgot about the shark centipedes.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, those are messed up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Dang. That was a while ago.

NICK: Mills looks to the edge of the firelight where Balthazar is laying in the grass.

NICK (as Mills): What about you, buddy?

NICK (as Balthazar): [various bellowing wails]

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Mills): That’s a good point, buddy. You’re right. I do think that eternal hunting and fulfilling your life as a predator is also very important. I’ll make sure to keep that in mind.


NICK: We swipe away to the next day. The luxury speeder is ripping across the Mandalorian wilderness. We get a couple of scenes of Seelie driving extremely recklessly, jumping over hills and chasms as you all are being chased by various wildlife in the grasslands. We also get a shot of the speeder up on a jack with Tink, just his legs sticking out from under the speeder as he tries to repair something underneath.

Then we see you all being dropped back at basically the civic center of the capital of Mandalore. Picture a Time Square kind of situation but if Time Square was built by drunk cowboys from the future, so lots of lights, everything at kind of weird angles. Seelie pulls down to stop. You all are kind of motion-sick, a little afraid for your safety because his driving is always so extreme.

CAMERON: Karma is holding onto the oh-shit bar and has a mom arm thrown out to keep Balthazar in his seat.

NICK: Balthazar has a giant toothy smile and his extra-large tongue is hanging out and probably dripping onto your forearm.


NICK: So, the doors open up and Seelie says:

NICK (as Seelie): Well, I’m off to get supplies. It’s been great hanging out with you all for these last couple of days as we made it back to town. What’s your plan next?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I think you’re dropping supplies off at our ship.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, right, yeah. Had we agreed we were doing that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Seelie): I’ll admit I kinda zoned out when you and Kettle were talking logistics. I’ll bring the stuff by the ship periodically. We can leave, like, tonight I suppose, but that still gives you a day while I collect supplies. How are you gonna spend that time?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Can we go to brunch with Tink’s parents? Please?

HUDSON (as Tink): Um?

CAMERON (as Karma): Most definitely, we’re doing that. Tink, call your moms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I want to order Felucian toast and put the syrup on top with the powdered sugar.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you do blueberry syrup or do you do maple syrup?

LILIT (as Xianna): [indignant] Maple.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, good answer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who does blueberry?

LILIT (as Xianna): And blueberry. I use both.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa. Whoa. You don’t mix the syrups.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): You mix the syrups!

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): I only don’t mix the syrups if I am getting the blueberry pancakes with the blueberry filling. Then you put just the blueberry syrup on top.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I’m not even gonna get any kind of toast. I’m getting eggs Bespin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Gross.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s so good.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do agree, it is pretty delicious. Only thing I have my eye on is hot chocolate.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not food.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know, but you gotta order beverages first.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, if you put enough marshmallows in it, you can eat it with a spoon and then it is food.

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also fair, or if you make it thick enough that you can dip churros in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is just a soup.

HUDSON (as Tink): Or, if you add enough crackers to it, you could eat it with a fork.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why are you adding crackers to hot chocolate?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Why would you not add marshmallows?

HUDSON (as Tink): I like it to be a little salty.

NICK: We get a smash cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight. Seelie has gone off on his logistics mission, Mills has disappeared into the city, and the crew of the Afternoon Delight and Tink’s moms are at a fancy brunch place having just ordered. Everyone give me a detail about this brunch place.

CAMERON: There’s too many chandeliers and they’re all the crystal super-sparkly ones.

NICK: Nice. Very good.

LILIT: All of the drinks are getting served out of mason jars. Duh.

NICK: [laughs] Of course. Goes well with the chandeliers.

HUDSON: Both the floor and the tablecloths are red and white checkerboard.

NICK: Interesting. I think it’s actually on a very large patio on one of the sky rises. You have a beautiful view out to the horizon and there are speeders around you. Half of the restaurant is inside but it has an open terrace and you all are seated out on the terrace in the morning sunlight. Tink’s parents have dressed up, they are wearing nice hats, and you all are waiting for your brunch to arrive.

CAMERON (as Mossie): So, what did you kids get up to?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, not much, actually, but we did see what we thought was an extinct dinosaur that was brought back to life and attacking us that I ended up knocking out with some toxic gas that I hit a pipe under my feet and it sprayed in the monster’s face.

CAMERON (as Mossie): That is incredibly specific.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Tink, are you implying that you fought a mythosaur?

HUDSON (as Tink): I fought a mythosaur. We got pics to prove it, mama.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Sweetie, I don’t wanna not believe you, but unless you show me them pics I just don’t believe you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I wanna see the pictures.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh yes, I took so many selfies. Let me send them to you. What is your com number?

HUDSON (as Tink): My com number is—

LILIT (as Xianna): No, not your com number, Tink! I already have your com number.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m talking about your mothers’ com numbers, duh!

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was TinksMom1@aol.com.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, that’s still mine.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you’re TinksMom2 then?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now sweetie, I’m MamaTink@aol.net.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh~

CAMERON (as Mossie): We just like to be complicated.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I don’t want it to imply that one of us is, you know, more important than the other. You know?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True.

LILIT: Once Xianna gets the com number she sends over all the selfies. Not a single one has Tink in a full frame. It’s always Tink slightly in the background or blurry. They are all full selfies of Xianna with a mythosaur in the background.

CAMERON: Luckily, Karma also took photos and those photos were centered around Tink, so she also sends those.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you believe me now?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well hot damn! Our baby fought a mythosaur.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I’m reaching great heights, you know?

LILIT (as Rhonda): So what happened to your droid friend? I don’t see him running around.

LILIT: With a mouthful of toast:

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, HK is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no. HK is resting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Nuh-uh! He is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): No!

LILIT (as Xianna): Just fully dead. Gone. RIP.

HUDSON (as Tink): No. No one’s pressing F in this chat. He is fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… HK’s somewhere in the middle of those two, currently not up-and-running.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Your friend’s a droid. Can’t you just, uh… as long as the central processing unit’s fine, can’t you just fix him up?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the theory, but there’s some extensive damage we’re gonna have to get some help for, but it’ll be done and then HK will be back in our lives. I wonder what happens to robots when they decommission for inordinate periods of time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh goodness.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Do droids dream of electric banthas?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Perfect. Thank you, Lilit. While you are discussing the existential crisis of death of electronic beings, a waiter swings by and slides your plates in front of you all, and you have food.

LILIT: We already have our food because Xianna already had food in her mouth.

CAMERON: Xianna had her mouth full.

NICK: Oh. I was assuming you were eating like a mouthful of toast and it was like toast on the table already. A waiter brings you the second course after the traditional Mandalorian first course of toast. You are given your main brunch dishes. What all is everyone eating?

LILIT: Well, obviously Xianna has ordered the Felucian toast.

NICK: It has jogan fruit filling. It’s really good.

LILIT: She does indeed pour like half the bottle of syrup on top.

NICK: Like you do. It’s tradition.

HUDSON: Tink gets the eggs Bespin and drowns it in way too much ketchup.

NICK: [cackles]


LILIT: Xianna is actively pouring more syrup on top of her toast and looks over at Tink and just starts shaking her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is disgusting, Tink.

HUDSON: I ask the wait staff for more ketchup.

NICK: They bring you two more bottles. We get this camera shot of over Karma’s shoulder with the side silhouettes of Tink’s parents, and we see Tink and Xianna with eyes locked, both of them dumping their condiments of choice onto their food while glaring at each other, as it threatens to spill over onto the red checkered tablecloth.


NICK: Karma, what did you get?

CAMERON: [smiling] So, hot chocolate.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: I think Karma just got a big stack of waffles.

NICK: Waffles are a very good choice.

CAMERON: She’s putting a reasonable amount of maple syrup on them. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. Rhonda got a very large plate, about the size of a hubcap, just filled with grits with various different seafood sprinkled around it and Cajun seasoning. Mossie got a side salad and the fruit plate. You all dig in and have a lovely brunch.

CAMERON: Mossie is 100% stealing grits from Rhonda’s plate.

NICK: That’s why Rhonda got such a big dish, because she knows that you like to share and she doesn’t like to share, so she just had to get a ludicrous amount.

LILIT: It’s not subtle either. The stealing is very out in the open.


CAMERON: Yeah no, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. Thus… my grits.

NICK: [laughs] So we swipe away from brunch. We see the brunch party walking out of the door of this high rise. Everybody is standing around in the area where the speeders are parked. Rhonda is holding the keys to the family speeder and Mossie is standing on the other side and you all are just happily chatting. You’ve said goodbye, but it’s one of those things where the conversation just keeps going for a while when the meal is over.

LILIT: Xianna keeps edging further and further away.

LILIT (as Xianna): We have been saying goodbye for like ten minutes! Come on!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not every day I get to see my family.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, it could be.

NICK: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh…

LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, you could call us more often.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You just disappeared for years over spaghetti.

LILIT (as Rhonda): We could have a holo chat every day if you wanted.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a…

LILIT (as Rhonda): Or every other day. Or on the weekends. Doesn’t have to be every day.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I don’t know about every day, or every other day, or every weekend, but… I like the as needed. You know?

CAMERON (as Mossie): I mean, you could come home for Life Day, at least.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what? I’ll commit to coming home for Life Day at some point.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, the “at some point” at the end there, Tink, doesn’t make it much of a commitment.

HUDSON (as Tink): I might have business to attend to!

CAMERON (as Karma): We do tend to be busy on Life day. That has happened the past few years.

HUDSON (as Tink): So maybe we can have Life Day but not on actual Life Day.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You know, it’s the thought that counts, and as long as we get to see you around the holiday…

CAMERON (as Mossie): We just wanna see you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I appreciate it. I wanna see you all too. And, uh… adios.

NICK: [smiling] Tink turns and just starts walking away.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright, well bye! … I guess?

HUDSON: I keep walking. I’m nearly out of sight now.


CAMERON (as Karma): It was very nice to meet you both. I’m going to go and catch them before anything regretful happens.

NICK: So, you’ve finished brunch with Tink’s parents. Endo has Kettle’s and his pieces of the Shattered Force and still apparently has a large military force at his disposal. You all are gonna need to gear up before you go, and you have some funds. Is there any gear, weaponry, armor, gadgets that you wanna purchase? Mandalore’s capital is a large city.


NICK: Oh, and also HK.

CAMERON: That is what I would like to do is acquire pieces to both repair and upgrade HK.

NICK: Okay. That’s pretty easily done. I think repairing him probably costs like 5,000 Credits to buy all the pieces you need, to repair and upgrade him. We see everybody walk in. Karma still has the netting with the bits of HK strapped to it on her back and you walk out with a large wooden crate full of droid parts and various weapons that you intend to install. Is there anything else that you wanna get?

HUDSON: I would like to go to a place to sharpen and add stuff to my vibro-axe.

NICK: Tink is looking at his vibro-axe and seeing that it still has some room for improvement and looks up to see himself standing in front of a weapon smith of some kind. It looks like it is sort of a mix between a giant 3D printer and a droid brain. It would be able to do pretty much whatever you want to your weapon almost immediately, but it’s expensive, and you know that you’re completely out of money.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s just level with each other for a second. I think that you’ve stolen credits from me in the past.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it is possible.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, there’s this thing I really, really want. I want to take my vibro-axe, and I wanna put it over there, and look, this place looks reputable. It has a sign; it says “Axe us about our specials.” Now that’s a really good joke.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that an illegitimate place would do that well at joking. So, I wanna give a master class upgrade to my vibro-axe. So… I need 5,000 Creds.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

HUDSON (as Tink): Please?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Tink, I do not even have 5,000 Credits for myself.

HUDSON (as Tink): Really?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, how many credits do you have?

CAMERON (as Karma): After spending 5k to fix HK?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… slightly over 5k.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): We could break in after hours and steal the upgrade.

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe. But I mean, they just seem like good folks, you know? I wanna do this fair and square. But maybe with some gambling. That’s how I’ll get the money!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. Karma! Karma, you should just give him the money so he doesn’t have to go gambling. It won’t end well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, what are you gambling with? You don’t have any money.

HUDSON (as Tink): I read this thing on the Holonet that—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): —someone took a paperclip and came out with a star destroyer.

LILIT (as Xianna): But they were trading, not gambling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Which in itself is a gamble.

LILIT (as Xianna): And that took them like a long time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I just gotta condense that down.

CAMERON (as Karma): It also took people doing bad trades because they knew that it was a bit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… yeah. I wonder who has money I can borrow from.

NICK: So Tink, are you going to try to borrow a small amount of money and gamble your way into success or are you going to call your parents and ask for a loan…? What is your plan to get your axe upgraded?

HUDSON: Hmm. I turn and I’m like…

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder if the solution will just come to me.

HUDSON: …and as I’m turning, I’m kind of spinning in circles, I just stop and I look forward and there is a place called Credits, Credits, Credits, one day credit loans, no credit check. I walk up and I’m like…

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I think this is gonna work.

HUDSON: …and I walk in and I’m not in there for two minutes and I walk out with 5,000 Credits.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: I have the paperwork that I signed very quickly and didn’t read.

NICK: Yup!

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a great plan, Tink. Good for you. Nothing wrong will happen there. It will be totally fine.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is your plan, exactly, here?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Get the free money.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh?

HUDSON (as Tink): And in the event that I don’t pay it back in time, which I totally will…

CAMERON (as Karma): Today?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. The money comes to you today, the payback is, uh… somewhere in this fine print. If it doesn’t get paid back, they’ll try to go after the Afternoon Delight, but we’ll be long-gone by then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did you put your real name on the paperwork?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, it’s more likely that they’re gonna go after your moms because they’re on planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, they don’t know they’re my mom.

CAMERON (as Karma): You used your name, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, but I didn’t put their names down.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, but I’m assuming there’s some records somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh… You know what? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I’m ready to get my axe done up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear lord.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Karma, let him go get his weapon fixed. This will be totally fine and nothing bad will happen in the future that we will ever have to deal with.

CAMERON (as Karma): [strained] Uh-huh… yep, fair.

LILIT (as Xianna): It definitely will not be very funny to watch Tink have to deal with any of this later on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. I guess the good thing is that the Afternoon Delight is not in Tink’s name.

HUDSON (as Tink): They didn’t ask questions.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… alright. Well, have fun I guess.

NICK: So Tink, you walk into this weapon modification stand and there’s some loud noises. You deposit I assume all 5,000 Credits?

HUDSON: Yes, and then I ask for the master class upgrade, and it goes [error noise], and I’m like wait, did I say that wrong, and I look through my holo pad to see what the actual name of the upgrade I want is.

NICK: It’s the superior upgrade.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh kriff. The superior upgrade, please.

NICK: A very large drawer opens, about the size and dimensions of your vibro-axe, and after you’ve given 5,000 Credits it withdraws back into the machine and a timer for three minutes starts to go. We cut to Karma and Xianna just kind of awkwardly waiting outside.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, this is a bad plan that he’s got here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, it is terrible. But again, it will be very funny.

CAMERON (as Karma): I wonder who loaned the money.

CAMERON: Karma starts looking on the Holonet to see who owns Credits, Credits, Credits or whatever the store’s name was.

NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Knowledge (Underworld) check.

CAMERON: Oh, that’ll go well. An advantage?

NICK: You’re not able to find information about this shop specifically, but you know from your experience that these kinds of places are often run by shady underworld organizations, frequently the Hutts. This is the kind of thing that you can turn having a lot of money into a lot more money, so this is probably a Hutt front. Also, the subtitle for the shop is in Huttese. Pretty good indicator there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… Ah, I see. Yeah, that’s gonna go terribly.

NICK: Time goes by and Tink walks out with his newly superior axe. What’s changed about it, Tink?

HUDSON: It looks incredibly shiny. It’s a little bit heavier but doesn’t visibly have anything added on except like a bracelet type thing in the middle, and it’s very, very sharp again. It’s been re-sharpened.

NICK: You spin it and slot it onto your back and it moves like it’s a piece of you. You have never held a weapon that matched you this well. Also, when you put the vibro-axe in, the machine scanned you and it appears that it made some modifications to the dimensions and to some of the balance and things to specifically fit you, so this axe is wonderful and it’s for you.

You have gained 5,000 Credits, lost 5,000 Credits, gained a suspicious loan contract, and now your axe always starts every roll with an advantage. It can still be cancelled out, but it’s like adding an advantage, and does 1 more base damage.

While you all are on a shopping spree, is there anything else that you want to pick up?

LILIT: Xianna would like to acquire a whole bunch of grenades.

NICK: You can have as many grenades as you can afford.

LILIT: What if Xianna uses a five-finger discount to steal grenades?

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Roll me a Skulduggery check.

LILIT: Okay!

NICK: This is a hard difficulty with two black dice because it’s the middle of business hours, at a weapon store, at basically gladiator planet. [laughs]

LILIT: I will be using Convincing Demeanor to remove one of those black dice.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because Xianna’s coat lends itself to pickpocketing and stealing so easily? Because you can’t see anything in the coat.

NICK: Sure, but I would like to flip a dark side point to make this whole check harder. Make one of them a red.

LILIT: Okay, so that is seven successes and a threat.

NICK: So… [sighs] I think you’re able to get seven grenades, whatever kind you want, but not thermal detonators. This place does not sell those. The threat is that a passive video camera gets a picture of your face so you’re probably not gonna be able to shop in this city again, because they’re gonna notice eventually and backtrack it, but like no one’s chasing you or anything.

LILIT: That’s okay, but also, I have Indistinguishable which means it’s an upgraded difficulty of checks to identify me.

NICK: Okay. So Cameron, roll me a daunting check against two yellows and two greens. Yeah, one of the purples is a red on that four difficulty check.

CAMERON: Alright.

NICK: This is just to see if this will come back to get you.

CAMERON: One success!

NICK: Huh. The good news is they don’t link “you” to Xianna’fan, the dead, wanted Twi’lek in the Imperial Database.

LILIT: Well of course, because she’s dead, so how would she be shoplifting in their store?

NICK: Well, if they had been more successful, they might have figured it out and marked you as “not dead” which would be very bad for you. I think what it is, as long as you don’t come back and shop ‘here’ and then stay around doing active stuff you’re probably fine, but you did get made, so if they compare who they’re looking at to the pictures they have as “this person stole from us” at a later time, it could be a problem. But you’re probably not planning on coming back here to come shopping anytime soon.

LILIT: No. You don’t hit up the same store twice in the same day.

NICK: So it should be fine. Xianna slips into a weapon shop down the street. Tink, you’ve just walked out with your axe, and there’s an awkward moment as the minutes tick by and Karma and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk while Xianna disappears inside. You can see through the front window the way she’s walking that she has no intention of buying anything and is probably stealing things.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that seems like a bad idea.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh? If it was one of us doing it, I would say yes, 100%. For Xianna? I don’t know, it could go either way.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, they can’t… Okay. Depending on what they’re stealing, things could explode, fire off, in a store full of other weapons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that wasn’t my concern. My concern was them getting caught.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): But I guess yeah, she could blow something up too, I guess. That’s a new thing to be concerned about now that I wasn’t thinking of before.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly. If she does get caught, she can get out of it. She’s gotten out of hundreds of these. But I just don’t know about this.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think she’ll get caught. I think she’ll be fine. They probably won’t notice.

NICK: Xianna, you’re able to grab everything you need. You notice a camera on your way out but rely on your nondescript look to keep you hidden and quickly walk out to rejoin the crew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, I am done shopping.

HUDSON (as Tink): How much did you spend?

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not important.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, okay, okay.

CAMERON: [laughs] “Ah.”

NICK: Karma, was there anything that you wanted to spend money on while you’re in a well-settled city? Besides bringing your friend back to life.

CAMERON: Yeah. Next door to the shop that Tink got his axe upgraded at is a blaster store.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s Mandalore, of course there are weapon upgrades right next to blaster stores next to grenade emporiums.

CAMERON: Yeah. The blaster store of course also does upgrades, because they know blasters. Karma’s gonna go in and detach her carbine from the sling thing she’s got it in and is gonna do some upgrades on this sucker.

NICK: Okay. What are you getting?

CAMERON: Karma spends a lot of time researching weapon mods. It’s just a fun thing to do in your spare time. She has determined that she is going to get a forearm grip.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Which will decrease the difficulty of Ranged (Heavy) checks with the carbine while engaged…

NICK: Oh cool.

CAMERON: …so that it’s just an easy check rather than bumping back up to an average. Then, she’s going to acquire the under-barrel flame projector.

NICK: Oh goodness.

CAMERON: Which is what it sounds like.

NICK: You’re attaching a flamethrower to your rifle.

CAMERON: I am attaching a flamethrower to my rifle, yes.

NICK: So Karma walks into this shop. You see her place her much-loved and used carbine on the counter and is talking to what looks like a weapon smith inside. There’s a little bit of an awkward time as the minutes tick by and Xianna and Tink are standing out on the sidewalk.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is this taking so long?

LILIT (as Xianna): Probably because she’s paying actual money.

HUDSON (as Tink): I paid actual money and it took me like under five minutes.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know. Maybe it’s easier to modify an axe than it is a whole gun.

HUDSON (as Tink): yeah, maybe, I don’t know. I don’t know nothing about guns.

NICK: Karma walks back out. It was pretty quick. These are modular things that slide into place on the rifle. Karma, you walk back out and strike an action pose with your new carbine upgrades.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice. You get a flashlight attachment?

CAMERON (as Karma): [grinning] A very powerful one. Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, super-bright.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh. [chuckles]

NICK: Having bought these upgrades, the afternoon has progressed on. You figure Seelie is probably headed back to the ship at this point or has dumped stuff where the ship is parked. You head back to the Afternoon Delight. As you approach the ship, you notice that something’s wrong.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m noticing something’s wrong. Anybody else?

CAMERON (as Karma): What is it?

NICK: As you get closer, the silhouette of the ship looks different, like something’s been tampered with. You get closer and you see that the landing ramp was blown open, like by a shaped charge, and someone has broken into the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well that’s just rude.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh, that’s unfortunate. How do we get up there?

CAMERON: Karma climbs up the ramp.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] The ramp, it’s like a hole but you can jump and grab the edge and pull yourself up. You’re all strong combatants. You’re able to do that. As the three of you scrabble to get back into the ship—it’s a little harder for Karma, still wearing HK as a backpack, but she’s able to hand up the supplies to repair and upgrade HK.

The ship’s been tossed. You see that the hot tub—the lid has been pulled half off and there’s water sloshed everywhere soaking the shag carpeting. Doors are left half open. Some shredded plants from the greenhouse that you discovered with Illith are thrown out into one of the hallways.

Nothing valuable is missing at first; you still have the large rainbow skin that you took from a creature that tried to kill you, your speeder bikes are still parked in the ship. Xianna, you quickly run and check your stash and your drugs are still there. Can you all make a Perception check at average difficulty for me, please?

CAMERON: Two successes.

HUDSON: A success and an advantage.

LILIT: I have one success, five advantages.

HUDSON: I run over and I scream.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! Creamsicle!

HUDSON: And I go to grab what I think is Creamsicle but it’s just a pile of bundled socks that look like a dead Creamsicle.

NICK: [chuckles] You see Creamsicle’s head poke out of an air vent nearby and quirk at you inquisitively. So, you all notice at the same time that on the table by the hot tub where you all had put the Stone Breaker, the ancient data tablet that you first saw so long ago, and the Spirit Breaker, the blue ocean-filled orb that you had recovered more recently… they’re gone. Someone broke in and took them.

LILIT (as Xianna): What the kriff?

CAMERON (as Karma): That bastard.

LILIT (as Xianna): They trash our entire ship and the items they are trying to look for are on the fucking table?! They didn’t have to trash everything! They could have just taken the items and gone!

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought they were on the mantle. I forgot they were there.

LILIT (as Xianna): We don’t have a mantle. There’s no fireplace in here.

HUDSON (as Tink): We have a mantle. It’s in my room. It just doesn’t have a fireplace under it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then it is just a shelf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s a mantle.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s only a mantle if it is above a fireplace.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think that’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Otherwise it is just a shelf.

HUDSON (as Tink): Either way, who could have done this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Endo!

CAMERON (as Karma): Endo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah…

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

CAMERON: Endo the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 37 Clever Girl

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 37:
Clever Girl

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 37! I’m your host and game master, Nick. Much like the fall weather outside, we hope that our show inspires a peaceful sense of wistfulness inside you and helps you to value friendship. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. Is it fall outside?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Just this weekend though, right? It’s like supposed to get to 73 until Monday and then it goes back to summer.

LILIT: I mean, what even is fall in North Texas?

NICK: Fall is in our hearts.

CAMERON: I hear that sometimes in other places leaves change colors.

NICK: Sometimes plants die.

LILIT: I don’t think that’s true.

NICK: [laughs] That must have been made up by artists.

LILIT: Sounds fake.

CAMERON: People in other places are comfortable in sweaters in the fall. [laughs]

NICK: Weird. Next up we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Hudson, and I will be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer who will be playing Lilit who will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Got character-ception going on. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. My name is [long censor beep].



LILIT: Wow~!


NICK: Lilit’s gonna have to bleep out the actual name and you’re just gonna hear our response.

HUDSON: Yes. [laughs] Yes.

NICK: Normally I would say the listeners imagination is going to supply something way worse than what you said, but in this case I’m not sure that’s possible. Do your introduction.


HUDSON: Okay. My name is Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Just know that somewhere in the bloopers is Hudson going for… just a really genius shock value name and that, uh… it was a good time. Alright, so before we get to the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

## Recap

NICK: Great. When we last left the crew of the Afternoon Delight, you all had found Kettle’s secret gangster hideaway in the middle of the wilderness on Mandalore where she’s been working on some sort of… it looks like a black market operation mixed with a tourist attraction. This is not the first time you’ve seen her try this sort of business model. It’s a little concerning.

You managed to suggest to her that all of her problems would be solved by finding love, and made some suggestions, and then were dropped down a trap door into an open arena where you were a test run for a giant scientifically cloned or reconstructed mythosaur that tried to kill you. HK was crushed into tiny, tiny bits, and you all were finally able to bring it down by rupturing some sleeping gas from a tube in the floor and making it fall asleep.

Then, the base where you are went on red alert as it was rocked by some sort of external attack. As you all were trying to figure out what was going on, the arena locked down but a hole was blown in a wall nearby, and that’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight in an arena of death. Luckily, the threat in this arena is currently sleeping off a heaping helping of knock-out gas imbibed at the hands of the crew in a desperate effort. They are bedraggled and some have fallen. HK-67’s shattered chassis is strapped to Karma’s back. The crew climbs through a hole in the arena wall that was created by probably a bomb dropped by a speeder or a ship.

As you climb through all the rubble and out into Kettle’s scientific complex, what do you all look like after fighting one of the most terrifying creatures in the galaxy?

LILIT: Xianna surprisingly looks in very good condition. Just looks tired and has a lot of dust thrown on her. Didn’t get wounded at all, so good for her. Good for her.

HUDSON: Tink is dripping with sweat like a wet mop.

CAMERON: Ew. [laughs] Karma appears slightly tired and kind of looks like… You know the cutesy thing that happens in romcoms when you’re baking together and the flour just poofs out into a cloud? It looks like that happened to her but with dust. But she looks fine.

NICK: Strapped to your back is HK—

CAMERON: Who does not look fine.

NICK: —whose limbs have been shattered and knocked loose. His head is strapped onto the body at a weird angle. His chest has been crushed in. He does not look fine. Alarms are going off throughout the facility and you can hear blaster fire deeper into the winding hallways. What’s your plan? Where are you heading? What are you gonna do? Remember, you came here in the first place to try to take Kettle’s pieces of the Shattered Force.

CAMERON: What does it look like in this hallway?

NICK: The hallway is fairly blank. There’s some smoke floating in it. There’s a couple of branching paths. Figuring out where to go is going to be part of the challenge, but the first thing is deciding what your objective is.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright y’all, how do we tell if it’s good guys or bad guys who bombed this place?

LILIT: Xianna is currently standing next to the head of the mythosaur doing all sorts of selfie poses, like peace sign up against the chin, doing little loth-cat ears, and using different filters and emojis.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, I don’t really know. This whole thing sounds very sketchy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, in this situation, who exactly would be the good guys to be bombing?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a deep ethical question.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, we don’t have any bombs, so I’m not sure we are supposed to bomb them.

HUDSON (as Tink): True.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, they’re asking if they’re bad or good people bombing here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! They’re bombing us.

NICK: [chuckling] A bomb shakes the facility and knocks some dust loose.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that makes more sense, actually. Yeah… yeah. We can always just go ask, you know? Just walk out and ask who it is that is attacking. Maybe we know them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Wait. We can go and just be like, what side are you on, and they’ll say what side they’re on, and we’ll be like oh, us too!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Unless we also want to kill them.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, we just do that at first, as trickery.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah.

CAMERON (as Karma): But what if we do know them, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we do need to find Kettle and get the Force objects that Kettle has.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we gotta figure out what Kettle’s doing. I wonder if Kettle would flee.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, probably. That seems like something she would do. She seems smart.

CAMERON (as Karma): She seems really good at staying alive.

HUDSON: I try to call Kettle.

NICK: I don’t think you need to do a slicing check to use a public computer system that’s designed for communication. You very quickly find the function that you need and connect a call to Kettle’s office. It rings for a long time, and when it finally goes through all you hear is blaster fire and yelling, and nobody answers it. It sounds like there’s some sort of conflict happening in that office.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just heard the most chaotic voicemail message. I didn’t get ahold of them.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think we can climb back up the tunnel we came down from?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… I mean, I’m sure it’s possible for some of us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa! Is that a strike on me?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.


HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’d move a lot—there’s the potential to move a lot faster, anyway, if we go through the hallways and manage to just find a stairwell.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe, but I have no idea where those stairwells go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Probably up and down?

LILIT (as Xianna): I know where the chute goes. It goes straight up.

NICK: This would be a point where HK chimes in to add chaos and also say both ideas would work, but he dead, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what do you think?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK is dead! Look at him.

CAMERON (as Karma): He’s not really awake right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] HK is asleep on their own accord.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, he is fully smashed. He is dead. He is gone.

HUDSON (as Tink): So he went out and got smashed. Everyone does it, except me, but most people go out and get smashed and then you just sleep it off. Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna rests a hand on Tink’s shoulder and looks up at him, shaking her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No Tink, not like that. No.

NICK: You can see that some hydraulic fluid and some lonely sad sparks are dripping out of HK’s smashed body.

LILIT (as Xianna): He is gone forever. We cannot fix this, not at all, absolutely not.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you just don’t want to fix it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think we can fix this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct, I don’t want to do any fixing. If I have to do the fixing, he will stay dead. If someone else does the fixing though… then maybe, but I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m thinking Tink does it, or we pay someone else to do it if Tink doesn’t feel like it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That makes sense. So Tink, do you want to go through the hallways or do you want to go back up the chute?

HUDSON (as Tink): I want to… I’m just feeling hallways right now. Maybe they’re our friends who are attacking the base.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

LILIT: Xianna shrugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just don’t understand why you don’t think it’s fun to go up vents and chutes.

NICK: The camera pans up all two-plus meters of Tink and his broad shoulders, and you can’t help but wonder, yeah, why wouldn’t this giant melee combatant want to climb into a vent. You all head off down a hallway at what is your closest approximation to head back towards Kettle’s office. You quickly find some stairs. There’s some security cameras and what looks like some trip lasers and things like that, but they’ve all been deactivated. You’re able to make pretty good time, but the blaster fire keeps getting closer.

CAMERON: Good, that means we’re going the right direction.

NICK: You come to an exit door that’s up on probably the same floor as that office you originally visited with Kettle, and you can hear blaster fire on the other side of the door. What do you do?

CAMERON: Before opening the door, I would like to look through the door with my scope on my rifle and see life signs.

NICK: Yeah, you’re close enough. You’re able to see life signs through the walls. It looks like there are people on either side of the hallway shooting at each other.

CAMERON: Approximately how many people?

NICK: Probably about eight.

CAMERON: In total?

NICK: In total, like four and four.

CAMERON: Alright.

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks like there’s about eight people with blasters out there. Probably half of them are on Kettle’s side and then the other half is the mystery group.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, really, that means we just have to take care of four other people. We just have to figure out which four.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Alright, I have something that we can do. Alright. We open the door. We throw a grenade in, but not at either side, just at a further side so that it blows up and distracts them. Then we do what I call “congfusion” where we put each other’s hands on the shoulders of the person behind us and do a serpentine conga line while shooting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we can open the door and just shout out and ask who is who out there.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think mine is much more strategic in a physical way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Does anyone have a grenade left?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I have grenades!

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well, I don’t… If you just throw a grenade straight out, you’re just gonna hit the wall in front of us and it’s gonna bounce back into the stairwell.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… yeah. Alright, get rid of the grenade.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, maybe we can do the conga-ing later…

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Let’s open it up and see what we’re dealing with then. Sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I will just ask very politely.


LILIT: So, Xianna stands on the opposite side of the door handle and slowly pulls the door towards her so if anyone was to shoot into the door they wouldn’t hit her. And this is a regular door that’s being opened, this isn’t a swooshy door. I realized halfway through that this was not a swooshy door then.

CAMERON: No, all stairwells have push-pull doors. It’s really weird.

HUDSON: It’s actually a curtain.

CAMERON: [laughs] It’s a bead curtain.

LILIT: Well, it’s a safety feature that, you know, the door can’t malfunction.

NICK: Yeah. Sure.

LILIT: And then shouts out:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello? People fighting? Who is who? We don’t know who is fighting each other and we’d like to know which side we need to take.

NICK: The blaster fire is extremely loud in the stairwell now that you’ve opened the door. It’s a constant stream from both sides. One blaster bolt does bounce into the stairwell and ricochets before leaving a burn mark on the far wall, but it doesn’t seem like anyone was shooting in there on purpose. It was just a stray bolt. No one responds to your original question. It seems like they’re a little busy.

LILIT: Xianna shouts even louder.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello?! I just need to know who you are so I can figure out who to shoot! It is in your best interest to tell me, because I’m going to be on somebody’s side! So then I can shoot the other people!

NICK: [grinning] Go ahead and roll me a Charm check to see if anyone pays attention to this Twi’lek-accented voice that is yelling out over the gunfight. This is going to be a hard difficulty with two black dice.


NICK: Because most people in a gunfight aren’t going to identify themselves to strangers, and also, they’re a little busy.

LILIT: I’m gonna remove both of those black dice because I have 2 ranks in Kill With Kindness and I can remove one setback die per rank from all Charm and Leadership checks.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Also, I’m gonna use Congenial. I may suffer a number of strain to down-low the difficulty of a Charm or Negotiation check. So, I’m gonna spend 1 strain, because I have 1 rank in it, so now it’s only two purple. Ha-ha! Take that, Nick.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: This is a collaborative game until I gotta roll dice.


LILIT: One success… [chuckles]

NICK: So, you hear a voice from down the hallway, the side that was shooting that the stray bolt must have gone into your stairwell. You hear a voice say:

NICK (as voice): We’re with Kettle’s crew. Help us take down whoever these invaders are, quick, before Kettle gets really mad.

LILIT: Xianna shouts back out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello! Invaders? Who are you? Do you know us? Who are you working for? I just want to make sure that I am making a fully-informed decision.

NICK: You hear a voice from the other side of the hallway. It sounds gruffer.

NICK (as gruff voice): Reloading. Hurry up or Endo’s gonna have our hides.

NICK: And you see a grenade go flying past the door and towards Kettle’s group.

CAMERON: As soon as the name Endo is said, Karma drops down and takes a knee and starts shooting towards that voice in the hallway.

LILIT: Xianna turns around still holding the door open.

LILIT (as Xianna): It appears that they work for Endo, so I say we shoot that side.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON: [laughs] Karma’s already doing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just in case you didn’t hear that conversation that was shouted in the hallway.

NICK: You’re having that conversation over Karma who’s taking a bead down the hallway, leaning out of the doorway, and I need you all to roll initiative, please.

CAMERON: Karma’s got a success and an advantage.

HUDSON: Two advantages.

LILIT: Two successes and two advantages.

NICK: Could you roll me a yellow and two greens, please?

CAMERON: A success and two advantages.

NICK: And one more time?

CAMERON: Two successes, three advantages.

NICK: It’s gonna go an NPC group, a PC slot, an NPC group, and then two PC slots.

CAMERON: Which NPC group is the good NPC group, or the lesser bad NPC group?

NICK: That’s something you may need to figure out.


NICK: But the first group up is the defenders, Kettle’s gangsters who have been living and working here. They’re going to shoot over Karma’s shoulder and still towards the pirates who have been attacking. Can you roll me two yellows and a green at average difficulty, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, one threat.

NICK: Nice. The gangsters manage to hit and presumably kill one of the pirates. They drop with a yelp down to the ground and their compatriots continue to shoot over them. We are to a PC slot.

CAMERON: I’mma gonna shoot towards Endo’s group because I’m prepped for it.

NICK: Alright. Make me a roll at average difficulty.

CAMERON: I’m gonna aim. Alright, I have two successes, five advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Wow. How many crits is that?

CAMERON: Just two. Yeah, my gun is Crit 3.

NICK: How much damage is it?

CAMERON: Fifteen.

NICK: You manage to shoot two of them and bring them down with quick firing. What does it look like?

CAMERON: The first shot, Karma can see one of the pirates, like just at the perfect diagonal to not be out in the hallway yet, and takes the first shot at them. Then, she has noticed that the blaster bolts do ricochet, so then does kind of a cool pool move, or billiards move, where she bounces it off the wall to bounce back at one of the other pirates that’s slightly out of her range without getting into the hallway.

NICK: Wait, so you ricochet the bolt and hit them?


NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: It’s all about geometry, Nicholas.

NICK: [laughs] Very good. Two of them drop with smoking holes in their chests. Up next is an NPC slot. This is the final remaining pirate that you know is in this hallway. He throws a grenade into the doorway where you all are standing, into the stairwell. I need you to roll me three yellows against average difficulty, please.

LILIT: I mean, if just one of us uses a Dodge…

CAMERON: Yeah, how does Dodge work in this?

NICK: I would say if one of y’all dodges we’ll do it as like someone doing a mom arm and moving all of you, so you can upgrade the difficulty for the group.

CAMERON: I’ll take a strain to mom arm.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: How does Defense work? [laughs] Because I have Defense.

LILIT: Yeah, because I have a Defense.

NICK: You can add a black die for y’all’s Ranged Defense against it as well.

CAMERON: Yay, thank you. Two failures.

NICK: Darn it! Okay. The grenade bounces off the door jam and rolls down the hallway and explodes between the three groups, and no one is hurt. There’s just some smoke in the hallway and a small crater in the floor. We’re up to another PC slot.

HUDSON: Maybe I should just rush them with my axe.

NICK: You could make it. It’s only medium range. It’ll just cost you a strain to do it.

HUDSON: Okay. I’ll do it. Yeah, I’m gonna rush and try to slice them.

NICK: Alright, so spend a strain to do a double maneuver and roll me up that Melee attack.

HUDSON: Four successes, three advantages.

NICK: You manage to kill this guy before he can bring a weapon to bear or before anyone else can really move. How do you take him down?

HUDSON: I charge toward them, holding my axe with both hands, and then I do a cool sideways swipe motion.

NICK: There’s a brief pause where they look down disbelievingly at their torso and then they slide apart into two pieces, and the blaster fire stops. There’s no one to shoot at. It looks like Kettle’s group is waiting to see what happens next. You hear someone call down the hallway.

NICK (as guard): Well, uh… thanks for the help, whoever you are. Who are you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Um… we are business associates of Kettle. We had a meeting with her not too long ago, and we were just, you know… I feel like our business was interrupted by all of this and we would just like to talk to Kettle again, sort this all out.

CAMERON (as Karma): We came to see Experiment 247.

NICK: They holster their blasters and start to walk out from cover. You see people dressed as street toughs. The guy who shouted out, Tink, you get a good look at him. He’s a skinny blonde guy with glasses. He’s Human. He has white skin. He looks at you and goes:

NICK (as Human): Tink?! I haven’t seen you in forever! You remember me? It’s Seelie, Seelie Mox.

HUDSON (as Tink): [confused] Seelie… Yeah! Of course. Of course I do, you…

NICK: He’s your hacker contact from Corellia and a getaway driver from very early on in the series. He works for Kettle.

HUDSON (as Tink): You still, uh, doing what you do?

NICK (as Seelie): I’m kinda getting the impression that you don’t remember me.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No, no, not at all, Seelie. Yeah, we go way back.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Seelie.

NICK (as Seelie): Hi Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you driving out here now?

NICK (as Seelie): Well, Kettle pretty much abandoned operations on Corellia after all that stuff happened, and then some of her other investments fell through, so now we’re here on Mandalore. It’s kind of eccentric, but the pay is still good. Did Kettle hire you? I didn’t know you were here. Normally she has me come pick up our high-profile enforcers.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we are doing a specific job for her where we will be recruiting interviewees for a possible position within Kettle’s organization, if you know what I mean.

NICK: I was going to have you roll Deception, but that’s all technically true.


LILIT: There’s literally not a single lie there.

NICK: Seelie scratches at the side of his head with his blaster and then holsters it. He’s not wearing armor or anything, he just has a comfortable button-down shirt and some slacks on.

NICK (as Seelie): Alright. Well, I think I remember you all yelling a second ago that you wanna go see the boss. We were trying to fight our way back to her office now, see if we could provide some support. You wanna run with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. While we’re going, can you tell us what’s going on? Besides the obvious, you know, bombing and fighting. What else is happening?

NICK: The camera swipes to the seven of you jogging down this hallway  heading towards a ramp. There’s a lot of turns. It would have been pretty difficult for you to find your way back to her office quickly, but Seelie knows the way. He’s explaining things as he goes.

NICK (as Seelie): Well, as far as we can know, the attack came out of nowhere. Looks like some sort of smuggler ship came down out of atmosphere and started dropping bombs. It knocked out the defenses and security really quick. It’s like they had someone on the inside. Not really sure how that happened.

But then they dropped… I can only call them boarding parties even though we’re not on a ship, but that’s how they’re fighting. I’m not sure how many of them there are, but they’re making ground pretty quickly. The weird thing is that they’re not really trying to secure the facility. It’s like they’re looking for something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I think they are.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I think they are looking for some specific things, which would make it great if we could talk to Kettle because we have some pertinent information about that.

NICK: You come around a corner and you suddenly recognize where you are. You’re in the hallway that was leading directly to Kettle’s office. There is a group of pirates who are shooting down the hallway into Kettle’s office, and you hear this strange-sounding blaster noise. It kinda sounds like… You know the sound when you smack a slinky underground? But underwater. It’s like a (WHOOSH).

These big green oscillating balls of energy are flying down the hallway slower than a blaster bolt. One of them hits one of the pirates and the pirate gets thrown backwards against the wall, clearly dead. You can hear Kettle yelling from inside her office.

NICK (as Kettle): I already gave you what you wanted. Get out of here!

CAMERON: I am shooting pirates again. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. There’s no need to roll for combat for this. They weren’t expecting you. There’s seven of you. You quickly are able to gun down this group. A couple of them run away and escape, but you have secured the hallway. You hear Kettle from in her office.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright! Who is it? Who’s out there? Roll call.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello Kettle!

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Kettle.

NICK (as Kettle): … What the kriff are you doing? The mythosaur should’ve eaten you.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re helping! We’re here with Seelie.

NICK: Seelie looks at you all kind of nervously.

NICK (as Seelie): Boss…? Uh… I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but I thought that they were working for you.

NICK (as Kettle): No, they’re not working for me! Shoot them!

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I thought we were doing the dating show. Is that not working for you?

NICK (as Kettle): You were going to die!

CAMERON (as Karma): Who told you that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, aren’t we all in a metaphorical and literal sense?

NICK (as Kettle): Seelie, I notice you’re not shooting them. Shoot them. Shoot them now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Seelie, come on. Come on, don’t shoot.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but Kettle, we know why people are attacking you. Also, we were nice and we didn’t kill your big old mythosaur. We just made it go night-night, so give us some props for that, you know.

NICK: There’s a long pause while Seelie looks really torn, holding his blaster pistol, about what he’s supposed to do.

NICK (as Kettle): Fine. Stand down. I’m coming out.

NICK: And Kettle walks out. She’s holding… it looks like a spotlight with a pistol grip stuck to the end. It’s this big blunderbuss shaped blaster. I don’t know if any of y’all would recognize Geonosian weapons from the Clone Wars, but it’s a traditional Geonosian firearm. She slings it on her back. It’s very heavy-looking for her slight frame. Seelie backs up and you can hear him under his breath say:

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, thank the Force.

NICK (as Kettle): Well I know why they’re here, they wanted the Shattered Force. I threw them out the Heart Breaker Robe figuring they’d leave, but they kept shooting anyway, and I don’t know where it is now.

NICK: You notice she’s not wearing her cape anymore.

LILIT: Xianna puts a hand on the wall and leans on it in support because she’s so tired and now she’s coming down off of impact.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Kettle, so are we or are we not doing the whole dating show thing?

NICK (as Kettle): You’re surprisingly focused for someone who takes as much impact as you do.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just asking, because I already sent out all the messages.

NICK (as Kettle): We can do it later. What part of assembling a universe-controlling set of Force artifacts do you not understand? That’s the priority.

LILIT (as Xianna): I understand that. That’s what Endo is trying to do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who is here, by the way.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I mean, that’s who is doing all of this. These are his pirates and he’s trying to get all of them.

NICK (as Kettle): That sleemo. I should have known he would come after me eventually.

LILIT (as Xianna): So I’m assuming he knows that you have more than just one and he’s trying to get all of them.

NICK: A large explosion from somewhere deeper in the facility goes off and Kettle looks worried and then shakes it off.

NICK (as Kettle): Yeah, he’s probably trying to get the Bone Breaker right now. Maybe you can stop him? At this point, I think these are more trouble than they’re worth. I wasn’t really planning to rule the galaxy, I just wanted to carve a little place out, but if it’s gonna get this much heat… I’m gonna be honest, I’m about over it. I got the robes back last time, and feeding you to my mythosaur I think cancels the IOU, so I guess we’re on even ground again… somehow.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know it’s weird that it keeps happening. Is the Bone Breaker that way?

CAMERON: Karma points towards where the explosion just occurred.

NICK: She nods slowly. Seelie and the other gangsters look really worried but don’t say anything.

CAMERON (as Karma): What else is over there? Do you have any other ancient extinct creatures running around this facility or was it just the mythosaur?

NICK: She looks thoughtful.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, next to the vault I did have a flock of stathas, but they’re not that dangerous and I’m sure they’re still contained. The security hasn’t completely failed, so there’s nothing to worry about there.

LILIT: Xianna shrugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, hopefully.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so let’s do it like this. You said we’re on even terms, right?

NICK (as Kettle): I’m as surprised as you are.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you give us the two artifacts for us to keep, and you don’t come after them anymore, I will personally officiate your wedding after we find you your one true love.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whoa, whoa, whoa.

LILIT: Xianna holds up a hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay Tink, that’s a real sweet offer…

LILIT (as Xianna): We are not necessarily finding like a spouse, we are finding a date, and if it happens to be a perfect match and they fall madly in love then maybe, but mostly this is just going to be, you know, a fun date.

HUDSON (as Tink): I will be—

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, she said she already give them the Heart Breaker Robe and then the Bone Breaker’s over there by that explosion that we need to be running towards now, so I don’t think that she’s really negotiating for them as a trade right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, but she can help us get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Seelie, do you mind directing us down towards the vault?

NICK: Seelie nods and very effectively gives you a short list of directions. You are very confident you could go straight there without getting lost.

NICK (as Seelie): I’d go with you, but I really need to stay with Kettle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, you stay here. Stay safe.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay. Kettle, we’ll stay with you, ma’am.

NICK: Kettle nods in an authoritative manner. She’s already pulled a data pad off of a pouch and is entering things, and you can see the power grid of the building fluctuating as she’s trying to bring security back up to mount a defense.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, if you’re gonna go, go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Come on.

CAMERON: Karma takes off running, following Seelie’s instructions.

LILIT: Xianna starts running but then stops and turns around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait-wait-wait, very important. Tink, you are going to have to message Web-Web because I don’t know them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I can message Web-Web, no problem. We’re connected.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay cool, because I’ve messaged Mills and Val, so we just need to take care of Web-Web.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait.

HUDSON: I try to whisper under my breath toward Xianna so that Kettle and Seelie can’t hear.

HUDSON (as Tink): [whispering] What about Seelie?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, we already picked the three. We don’t need anymore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay. Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, we should go now, Tink.

NICK: Seelie is blushing furiously and Kettle looks murderously angry like they had overheard that statement. You run off down the hallway. You’re able to quickly get there. The end of this hallway at the end of Seelie’s directions is a massive durasteel safe door and it’s been blown inward as though by some sort of large explosion. The inside is filled with smoke.

CAMERON: Do I see any life signs or heat signatures?

NICK: Dang, that’s a useful piece of equipment.

CAMERON: Ain’t it? [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, you see five heat signatures, but they don’t appear to be humanoid, and they’re standing in the cover of the smoke as though laying an ambush.

CAMERON: Are they weird lizard shapes?

NICK: You can’t really tell, but they’re a lot lower to the ground.

LILIT: What if somebody was to have scanner goggles that can see in obscured conditions?

NICK: Can you see through smoke?

LILIT: Obscured conditions!


NICK: Okay. Between the two of you, with the scanner goggles and the heat-sensitive scope, you can see that there are some sort of animals inside that appear to be in a hunting formation.

HUDSON: I feel left out so I pull out my scanner that scans for other scanners.

NICK: There are a lot of scanners around.


NICK: Also, it can sometimes detect life signs, and there appear to be five life signs inside the safe.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so the safe seems to have maybe animals inside of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup…

CAMERON: What size would you put the animals at, Nicholas?

LILIT: A small boulder? A large boulder? A large boulder the size of a large boulder?

NICK: Yeah. As you’re wondering what to do, these things walk out of the cover of the smoke having heard your voices. They’re lizards, maybe 15-20% bigger than a humanoid. They stand about 1.8 meters tall. They’ve got long tails behind them, wide clawed feet on their hind legs that they stand on with smaller front legs with smaller claws, and large toothy maws with lots of teeth dripping venom.

LILIT: Xianna is already opening up pockets furiously and just with the precision that only comes with someone who has done this before starts unwrapping bantha cakes at lightning speed and just rolling them out.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Handfuls of pocket spaghetti are getting tossed in front here. There’s a Pop-Tart, a carton of instant noodles. No water, but there’s instant noodles. There’s hard candy, caramels, all sorts of delicious treats and a whole bag of loth-rat treats. Whatever Greenies are in Star Wars for loth-rats, there’s a bag of those, and Xianna is just throwing it all out in different directions.

NICK: So, these five have brownish pebbled scales and sharp yellow eyes that pierce through the smoke, and they start to walk forward. One of them leans down and puts its head near a bantha cake and sniffs before daintily picking it up in its razor-sharp teeth and swallowing it down its gullet with a snap.

You see a door on the other side of the hallway—it’s just a simple durasteel door with a lever handle—and the handle starts to flap, and then the door slowly creeks open and another one of these stathas creatures steps out and it’s got bluish scales whereas the other ones are brown. It looks at you and knocks one out of the way and they all begin to eat greedily. They are tearing through these snacks very quickly.

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Okay, everybody run!

CAMERON (as Karma): [hushed] We gotta go.

HUDSON: I start running.

CAMERON: Take off running into the safe. [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna’s running and still pulling out handfuls of spaghetti, throwing them behind her.

NICK: So are you running away or running into the safe?

LILIT: I think at this point into the safe because they’re all out of the safe now, so we’re like running around them to get into the safe.

NICK: Okay. So, you’ve thrown food to lure them further away towards the door. These six stathas are eating quickly and fighting amongst themselves for the best treats. The spaghetti is particularly popular. You’re able to run around them very quickly and get into the safe.

The inside has been ransacked. The explosion obviously damaged a lot of the credits that were in here. Xianna, you notice the particular colorful charring of glitterstim when it’s been burned smashed up against one of the walls. You can see a beautiful decorative rack made out of gold and jewels. They don’t look real, but it looks very pretty. It looks like it might have held a post or a long pole at some point. There’s nothing to be seen as far as the Bone Breaker, as though it’s already been stolen.

CAMERON (as Karma): Damn.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, uh… we get out of here?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, free credits, so…

NICK: Most of them have been exploded.


NICK: If you want to try to scoop some off the ground and find non-damaged ones, there are non-damaged ones, it’ll just take a little while.


CAMERON: Looking around the safe, does it look like they entered the safe and then left the safe through just like the door?

NICK: Yeah.


NICK: It’s a safe. There aren’t other exits or vents or anything.

CAMERON: I didn’t know if they created a new skylight. I don’t know.

NICK: Yeah, they might have.

CAMERON: It would have been cool.

NICK: But in this case, no. They just blew the front door in, got what they wanted and left.

CAMERON: Alrighty.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s skedaddle, y’all.

NICK: As you turn to leave, the six stathas are arrayed in a semicircle in front of the door, the blue one slightly ahead of the others, sniffing and walking towards Xianna with their eyes on Xianna’s pockets. Flip me a dark side point.


NICK: Xianna, you’re completely out of snacks.

LILIT: Xianna turns to everyone.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, I am completely out of snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Bad time for that.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a bad time for that. Do you think they’ll understand if I explain to them that I’m out of snacks?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really.

HUDSON: I ask if they speak English.

NICK: One of them makes a trilling roar at you and they continue to advance.

CAMERON: So, at this point, since they’re kind of approaching us in this semicircle and kind of boxing us in… Karma doesn’t really wanna kill any more cool creatures, even though we didn’t kill the mythosaur. She sets her gun to stun and then starts backing away slowly with her hands out, with palms up facing all of the big lizards, and starts making calming, talking to a scared dog or cat noises.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi… Hey. How are y’all doing? We don’t have any more snacks. Xianna’s very sorry. But if you let us go this way…

CAMERON: And starts going to the side while keeping the hands out.

CAMERON (as Karma): …we can go get you more snacks.

NICK: As you edge towards the outside perimeter of this circle that they’ve made, the one on the far end snaps at you and you jump back a little. Go ahead and make me a Survival check at hard difficulty to—

HUDSON: Survive.

NICK: —lizard whisper your way through this situation.

CAMERON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: Also important to note that as a backup plan Xianna is currently putting a handful of the destroyed credits into the pockets, specifically pockets that housed spaghetti so that these credits will smell like spaghetti. This is a backup that will happen after this Survival roll.

HUDSON: I think there’s some kind of capitalist metaphor here. [chuckles]

CAMERON: A triumph and a threat.

NICK: So no success?

CAMERON: No. [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so you don’t succeed in calming the beasts or getting around them, but something awesome happens. What is the something awesome? It can be a collaborative thing since Xianna is making spaghetti credits currently. How do you all at least get to the other side of the stathas without getting attacked?

CAMERON: Kettle is actually a prepper and within the safe are large stacks of baked beans and Spaghetti-O’s, and they are in the side behind all of the stathas, and they have a delayed explosion, and now there’s a bunch of yummy noodles and beans over there.

NICK: That’s what you wanna go with?

CAMERON: Uh-huh. [laughs]

NICK: Okay. Yeah. So, these venomous, terrifying lizard hunters smell exploded baked beans, and it’s also the delayed explosion surprises them, and they jump past the three of you to attack the wall and to fight over the food. You have a clear avenue of escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): [shakily] Run.

HUDSON: I run backwards and make a clicking sound like when you do to a cat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Don’t attract them! Tink!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, stop it! That’s gonna make them come to us!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, that’s what you do when you don’t want something around.

CAMERON (as Karma): No it is not!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that is the opposite!

NICK: One of the stathas looks up and takes a few hesitating steps towards Tink with its head cocked.

LILIT: When that happens, Xianna takes the spaghetti credits out of her pockets and throws them onto the other side of the stathas so that it smells spaghetti and looks that way.

NICK: It gobbles them up immediately and then looks confused and makes a choking noise and then spits up credits, and it bounces off another stathas and they start to tussle, and you are able to run back down this hallway very quickly, seemingly safe from these terrifying predators. Are you trying to leave the facility now that you’ve discovered that the Shattered Force is gone or are there other things that you wanna do here?

HUDSON: We could pay Kettle one more visit. Why not?

LILIT: For what?

CAMERON: Because we’re gonna piss her off.

HUDSON: Just to fuck around. We don’t have shit.


CAMERON: I think we’re trying to find an exit door.

NICK: So, we get a montage of you all running through these smoky hallways. There are still some pirates shooting at gangsters. You have to duck to avoid some conflict, but even though this place is pretty labyrinthine you’re able to exit.

As you get back out into the sunlight, you look up and you see a large freighter with beveled edges with stealth technology, Endo’s ship, pull up and start to fly back away into the atmosphere. You can see that it has several fighters flying, flanking it, as it goes. Endo brought basically an armada here to claim these items. But, they’ve left and they got what they wanted.

The fences around the facility have been mostly destroyed or blown up so you’re able to walk back out. Are you heading back towards Mills?

HUDSON: Yeah, and what time is it? Because I think there was like a cut-off, wasn’t there?

CAMERON: We had 24 hours.

NICK: Yeah, y’all have been inside for about four hours at the most. You are well below your 18 hour time limit which means Tink’s gonna win this bet. I don’t remember what y’all bet, but…

LILIT: Movie night.

NICK: Oh yeah. As you’re headed back towards Mills, you see a plume of smoke behind the tree and the low rise that he had parked behind.

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically] Guess who’s back, back, back. We’re back!

NICK: You step over the rise and Mills is battered but looks okay. His speeder has been shattered into several pieces and looks like it’s burned all the way through. It’s completely totaled. Balthazar is whining and pawing at Mills who looks like he’s splinted his leg with a piece of tree and has been sitting on the ground. He’s looking at the data pad with the timer that says four hours on it—it just ticked up to four hours—and you are back together.

NICK (as Mills): Well, that was a lot more exciting than I was expecting. You make some new friends?

CAMERON (as Karma): No kidding. We fought a mythosaur. That’s how our day’s been going.

HUDSON (as Tink): They are real!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah-ah. Kettle genetically engineered it. I mean, who are we to say that was a real mythosaur and not just some other creature that she called a mythosaur?

NICK (as Mills): Look. I know a lot of stuff went on, and you all are some pretty tough customers, but there’s no need to make up stories.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no-no, look, look.

CAMERON: Karma starts showing pictures that she has of Tink standing next to the mythosaur.


LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Mills, did you not get my com messages?

LILIT: Because all of the com messages that Xianna sent out to Mills and Val are photos of her with the mythosaur in poses that just has the text on top of it that’s been put on in the messenger editing app that just says, like, I have someone who wants to go on a date with you. Yes, no, question mark?

NICK: Mills closes the timer on his data pad and you can see there’s like ten notifications.

NICK (as Mills): Huh. I was a little busy being strafed by fights, but uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I was a little busy trying to kill a mythosaur and I still had time for this.

NICK: He opens it up.

NICK (as Mills): Date? We’ll talk about that later. We’ll have time, I think. But wow, you fought a mythosaur. That’s pretty impressive. Did you find whatever you were looking for? There’s a reason we weren’t supposed to come here, I’m realizing. This place is super dangerous.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Unfortunately, the group with the fighters found the things that we were looking for.

NICK (as Mills): Aw, that kriffin’ sucks.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. Your speeder don’t look too good.

NICK (as Mills): No, it sure doesn’t. Getting out of here is gonna be rough. We’re probably gonna have to hoof it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, do you think that we can go back and steal a speeder?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like it would be better just to ask to borrow one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will ask to borrow a speeder.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re on even terms with Kettle right now. Let’s not piss her off.

NICK: You walk up the rise and you can see the various facilities, and the one that looks like the motor pool is clearly exploded. All the vehicles have been blown up. They may have something smaller, but you’re not gonna get an easy lift out of here because they have their own problems.



CAMERON (as Karma): We really need to get an autopilot on the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, wait, wait. Creamsicle is still on the ship. If we can get Creamsicle to answer a com message, maybe we can walk her through piloting the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I do not feel confident about that plan.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are delirious.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): You haven’t slept in a while, have you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I wasn’t saying it was a good idea, I was just saying that maybe we could try. I don’t want to have to walk for four days to get back!

NICK: As Xianna’s talking, she’s like listing to one side and swaying quite a bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): You do realize it took like two days on speeder to get out here? It’s gonna take like a week to walk back. That is going to be horrible.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. We don’t need a week. We don’t have a week. Let’s go to Kettle, two birds, one stone. We try to find a speeder and we introduce Mills to Kettle.

LILIT (as Xianna): The point is going to be that they are all anonymous in this dating show and she won’t know who is who so she can’t influence her first opinions on that. You know?

HUDSON (as Tink): We all know that those shows are fixed.

LILIT (as Xianna): A little secret date. This one won’t be because we are running it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I still think we should go see Kettle.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mills, can you walk, buddy?

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, slowly.

NICK: He stands painfully to his feet and starts to limp.

NICK (as Mills): So where are we going? Are we gonna go deal with your dangerous gangster and try to get a speeder or try and walk out of here? Both of those sound like a pretty bad idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I have no more food, so unless anyone else has food and water we will just die on the walk back anyways.

NICK (as Mills): I know where the watering holes are and Balthazar can help us find some prey. I think it’ll be difficult, but we could make it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know…

NICK (as Mills): But, if we can get a speeder—I don’t look forward to walking all the way out of here on my leg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I think I’d rather just try to ask Kettle if she has a speeder than walk for like five fucking days.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. If this was theoretically in an audio format, how many episodes would cover five-to-seven days of walking through a desert? That sounds very unenjoyable for the prospective audience of such an audio show.

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm…

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go visit Kettle! I’m gonna do that thing that y’all usually do where just a decision is made and you start walking and I follow, but this time I’ll lead.


LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You lead. We will follow.

NICK: So you walk slowly back. Do you have Mills wait or do you bring Mills and Balthazar with you?

LILIT: We bring Mills, yeah.

CAMERON: Oh, we’re bringing them with us.

NICK: Okay. Mills is walking slow. Balthazar looks concerned. As you get back into the camp, some of the gangsters are doing damage control, trying to put out fires, see who’s dead and who isn’t. Balthazar growls at all of them and they give you a wide distance.

Kettle has set up sort of a financial triage station. It’s separate from the medical first aid areas where they’re trying to help each other. She’s taking runners and coms calls about what’s damaged and what needs to be fixed. There’s like a pavilion with a folding chair that she’s sitting in with a data pad in front of her, taking notes. She looks up and says:

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I thought for sure you were gone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Your stathas are definitely out of their enclosure.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh yeah, I know. We’ve had to seal the bottom levels of the facility. There were some people down there, and… they’re not anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hope it was okay to feed them some spaghetti and bantha cakes, but that’s kind of really how we got away, so…

NICK (as Kettle): Well it’s not good for them, but my primary plan right now is to pump the basement with nerve gas to take them out, so I don’t think it matters too much long-term. I’m still open to suggestions, though, if you wanna go down there and try to restrain them so we can put them back in their containment unit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, no thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would that be worth a speeder ride back to the city from you?

NICK (as Kettle): No, absolutely not.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, then no, I’m not interested.

NICK (as Kettle): Wait. Speeder…? What? How did you all get out here in the first place?

LILIT & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): A speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): So just take that one back. I don’t see what the big deal is. Look, I have a lot going on and I’ve just decided that I don’t want to kill you, and that takes a while for that idea to settle in, so maybe it would be best if we didn’t see each other for a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, and I understand that, but our speeder got blown up.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, that’s really unfortunate for you.

NICK: And she smiles real big.

LILIT (as Xianna): So if you don’t want to see us… giving us a speeder would be the fastest way to solve that, because then we would be gone and we wouldn’t have to talk to you anymore.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, it looks like my motor pool has been destroyed. Most of the vehicles are gone. But I might have one left.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait! Wait. Kettle, Kettle, Kettle. Before you go forward, are you, Kettle, ready for… [makes enthusiastic energetic gameshow music]

CAMERON (as Karma): What is he doing?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink? Tink!

NICK: Mills and Kettle are staring at him, open-mouthed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Your first contestant on your dating show!

LILIT (as Xianna): No! We were going to do that at once. We were gonna get production value!

HUDSON (as Tink): But we brought him already!

LILIT (as Xianna): We were going to rent a sound stage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, can you pretend to not know someone if we do this in the future?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I pretend not to know people all the time.

HUDSON (as Tink): There you go.

LILIT (as Xianna): I guess fine, maybe we won’t do the whole secret date thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, your Contestant #1 is Mills LastNameUnknown!

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, I promise he cleans up better. He just like, you know, got in a fight and got his speeder blown up.

NICK: Mills is leaning against the wall of a building nearby with his leg, which has been roughly bandaged and splinted, propped on a rock. He’s covered in dirt and dust and blood, and he hocks a gross spit and spits it off to the side.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, uh… I’m Mills. I have no idea what’s going on.

NICK: Kettle looks sort of nonplussed.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, I wasn’t expecting a lot, but you managed to disappoint me anyway.

LILIT (as Xianna): To be fair, this is like the worst contestant, and it’s mostly just because he was already here.

NICK (as Mills): Hey! That’s kinda kriffed up. You’re gonna say that right in front of me?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes Mills, I am.

NICK (as Mills): Whatever. Look, uh… lady. Kettle. I’m just trying to get back to where we started. My speeder’s gone, I pretty much lost my employment, hoping to get off planet. Can we get a lift?

NICK (as Kettle): Well, maybe he does clean up, but I’ve got more things on my mind. Maybe bring him back with some other candidates later.

NICK: And she shakes her head.

NICK (as Kettle): [gritted] I can’t believe I’m taking this dating idea seriously. This is—

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, Kettle, Kettle! First question. If you could steal a smooch from anyone in the galaxy, who would it be?

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t have to answer that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it has not started yet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, you know, you can say a lot of things about us, but boring is not something that can be used to describe us.

NICK (as Kettle): That’s very true. That’s extremely true. But, here’s the deal. My personal speeder is still operational. I might be willing to spare it. I’ll send a driver with you, because honestly we need some supplies to start rebuilding. But it’s gonna cost you.

HUDSON (as Tink): What will it cost?

CAMERON (as Karma): How much supplies are you needing?

NICK: [chuckling] Kettle looks around at the exploded facility.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, I don’t know how many people you have on-base that you need to supply for. Obviously shit’s gone wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, do you need a bunch of popsicles?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that’s the priority, probably.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just asking. We have a bunch on the ship.

NICK (as Kettle): Look, we’re good on food and water, we have a well and we had reserves. The safe had a lot of extra food in it because I’m kind of a prepper. So, we should be good on food for now, but I need rebuilding materials. We need to fortify this place before the wildlife finds us. But I can deal with that. What I would want from you is a favor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wait, if you need building materials, we have a guy.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh? Do you really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Wait, we do?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yeah! Because his main job is digging and filling holes, but that would mean he would have a whole bunch of building materials for you to use, and concrete and stuff.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, maybe, but this is gonna be a pretty rushed job. Leave his contact info with Seelie and we’ll—

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You know, he does rush jobs, and I’m pretty sure he gives Tink the family and friends discount.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Yeah he does.

LILIT (as Xianna): So name-drop Tink.

NICK (as Kettle): Maybe we’ll look into that when we’re bidding out repairs. The primary goal is the fence, though. You can go with Seelie. He’s gonna head back to town, collect the basics. But…

NICK: And Kettle looks at her data pad. She presses a button and y’all’s coms all beep, and she nods.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay, I have a way to contact you now. I’ll be reaching out. There’s a job I’m gonna need from you at some point. I’ve given up on the Shattered Force, but I have some other plans. So, look forward to that call.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, the reason I was asking how much supplies you needed is because I don’t know how big your speeder is but I don’t know how much… You’ve got a lot of fence here and I don’t know if you could fit all of that in the speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): No, probably not.

CAMERON (as Karma): We have a ship. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, we have a big old party ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): We can come—Once we get back to the city, we can bring stuff back out here with much less trips than it’s gonna take Seelie in a speeder.

NICK (as Kettle): I’m not particularly worried about that. I was gonna have him hire a freighter to come out here. If you’re offering that, I’ll downgrade the difficulty of the job I’ll have you do eventually, but either way you’re making sort of a deal with the devil here. In exchange, I’m gonna have you do something unsavory, just being honest.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you need literal gallons of hot tub water from our ship?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

LILIT (as Xianna): No! We are using the hot tub water. She can have the popsicles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would you offer that?

LILIT (as Xianna): The popsicles? Because we have so many and Tink is not eating them fast enough.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, not the popsicles, the hot tub water.

HUDSON (as Tink): Some people value the hot tub water.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Gross.

HUDSON (as Tink): It can be valuable depending on a number of factors.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK (as Kettle): So that’s the deal. You agree for a job. You agree to doing a job for me at a later date unspecified. Help Seelie to carry back supplies in your ship, which I know has the space. Good idea, Karma.

NICK: She points at you, Karma.

CAMERON: Karma does finger guns.

NICK (as Kettle): We’ll give you a ride back to the capital and in exchange… I’ll reach out about a job later. Do we have a deal?

NICK: She holds out a scarred hand to shake.

CAMERON: Karma shakes it.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright. Seelie, prep my personal speeder.

NICK: She’s talking into a com link. A couple minutes later a long shiny black speeder with a really extended engine compartment and a closed-in seating area that probably seats 10 or 12 people—it’s like a limousine—comes skidding around the corner, and a window rolls down, and you can see Seelie behind the wheel with driving gloves on.

NICK (as Seelie): Alright! Time for a drive!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, shotgun!

NICK: You all pile into the speeder, and Mills and Balthazar jump in as well.

CAMERON: We set down a blanket in the seats first so that Balthazar doesn’t mess up the upholstery.

NICK: Oh, that’s very considerate of you.

CAMERON: [laughing] We don’t want to piss her off more.

NICK: Probably not. Right before you pull away, the window to the passenger compartment rolls down and Kettle leans in.

NICK (as Kettle): But so you know, if you don’t answer my call and do that job when I need you to, I’ll put out a bounty for you so big that everyone in the galaxy is trying to kill you. It would be best to do what I need.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah-yeah, Kettle. Do you think this is the first time I’ve ever accepted some sketchy IOU from a mob boss? I know how this works.

NICK (as Kettle): You literally accepted a sketchy IOU from me in the past, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I know. Again, I know how this works.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m still a little unsure, but I’m just gonna go with the flow.

LILIT (as Xianna): And the IOU was that you owed me.

NICK: Kettle rolls her eyes and steps back. She slaps her hand on the roof of the speeder and Seelie rolls up the windows.

NICK (as Seelie): You’re gonna wanna hang onto something.

NICK: And he guns it and smashes through one of the last standing pieces of fence and goes tearing off across the grasslands back towards the capital of Mandalore, and that’s where we’re gonna end the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 36 Mandalore Park

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 36:
Mandalore Park

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank everyone who joined us this past weekend at the Tabletop Squadron Virtual Convention, and I’d like to give a special shout-out to Cameron and Michael of Team Those Of Us Who Still Do Not Know Star Wars for now being the two-time trivia show champions. I congratulate you on your win. If you weren’t able to join our Twitch streams, we will be getting the recordings onto YouTube shortly, so be on the lookout for those.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 36! I’m your host and game master, Nick. Actually, on the car ride home from work today, I thought up a really interesting thing to say, like a funny kind of off-the-cuff. I was gonna impress everybody. As soon as I said hello I forgot it, so um…

CAMERON: I’m sure it was very interesting.

NICK: It was really interesting and it was kinda witty and wasn’t gonna derail the conversation but was gonna kind of prop it up and get it going… and it’s gone.

LILIT: Well, I applaud you and your bravery for telling us that you forgot your great idea.

NICK: Mm-hmm. I would like full credit as if I had not forgotten it.

CAMERON: You are… such a clever boy.

NICK: Thank you. … Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you are playing today starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson. I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Next up we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

HUDSON: [mournfully] No…

NICK: Perfect.

HUDSON: How will we know which one to shoot?

LILIT: I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: You know the answer to that, Hudson. You shoot both.

HUDSON: Oh… I guess if you can’t decide, that’s the only way.

NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I play HK-67, an assassin droid.

NICK: Um… You just completely broke me on that.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: I was like, quick, come up with a witty statement to preserve your GM PC, and I got nothing.

CAMERON: [smiling] He’s mine now.

NICK: I guess he’s yours now. Congratulations. Proud of you.

CAMERON: But I will also be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Oh, that’s a good character. I think that’ll fit well for you in the way you like to play.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Alright. So, before we do a recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: Perfect.


NICK: When we last left off, you all had managed to infiltrate the Mandalorian wilderness with the help of Mills and his strill, Balthazar. You found in the center of a dip in the land some sort of strange facility hidden where they had been told not to go on risk of death or losing their safari license. You managed to talk your way past two Twi’lek guards and find Kettle who is running this facility for reasons unknown and admitted to having collected several parts of the Shattered Force.

Then, you suggested that Kettle needed some sort of significant other and had a brainstorming session of who would be the best romantic fit for her. She enjoyed that for a while and then dropped you into a pit and released a mythosaur, a giant creature that is like a spiked wingless dragon. That’s where we started.


NICK: You all have been dropped through a trap door into this large dirt-covered arena. There are tiered stands behind transparesteel windows that are empty but still have spotlights on them as though expecting an audience that has not yet arrived. The wall up above the stands has lowered and you can see that it was a wall that was dividing Kettle’s office from the rest of this arena, and she and several scientists are watching interestedly as the recording ends, saying:

NICK (as announcer): The terrible and mighty mythosaur!

NICK: A large durasteel grating rides up into the ceiling revealing a massive creature the color of wet sand with horns around its mouth and on top of its head in a ridged back and a long tail. This thing is probably 40 meters long, 30 meters high when it stands up straight on its four legs. It’s huge, stocky, muscular, has massive teeth, and it roars and charges at you. Xianna says…

LILIT: Xianna holds up a hand with a grenade and informs everyone of said grenade.


NICK: Yeah. That’s the last second you have before this creature is charging at you, clearly focused on killing you. I need you all to roll initiative.

CAMERON: Oh dear. Karma rolled two successes and two triumphs.

NICK: Wow!

HUDSON: I have a success and three advantages.

LILIT: One success and two advantages.

NICK: So, starting out with those triumphs, is there anything that you would like to add to the scene? I would say you can either have something extremely helpful built into this arena that might help you with the mythosaur…

CAMERON: So, I think within the floors of this arena are little corridors built out and depressions and little rises to make it to where we could find locations to have cover that this giant monster could not access. I guess kind of like in a gladiatorial arena where there are the multiple levels of things. There’s not a ton of it, but there is some so that we’re not just stuck standing out in the open trying to battle this beast.

NICK: Yeah, I think that’s great. We’ll say that the floor has been carved to look like some of the dried lands of the deep wilderness that have been carved by sand and drought over hundreds of years. It’s more of the mythosaur’s native habitat, so it’s comfortable around that, but it definitely gives you all places to hide and take cover and try to maneuver. Cool, great, awesome. Now, could you roll me four greens and a yellow, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, three advantages.

NICK: [chuckling] And one more time?

CAMERON: One success, six advantages.

NICK: Wow, okay.

CAMERON: Do we need to roll for HK?

NICK: Oh yeah, probably. Two greens and a yellow.

CAMERON: A success and an advantage.

NICK: Now that everybody has rolled initiative, including HK and the mythosaur, the order will be NPC, PC, NPC, PC, PC, PC. So, the mythosaur, with its massive speed, is going first.

It charges, stepping nimbly on the flat parts of this scalloped and wind-swept terrain. You all can’t help but notice this interesting detail even though this massive death machine is charging at you. The terrain up-close is obviously synthetic, it’s like plaster an durasteel that’s been made into these shapes, but from a distance it probably looks very convincing, but it can still hold this mythosaur’s tremendous weight. It clearly weighs a lot.

CAMERON: So much.

NICK: So, it is going to attack somebody. Can you all roll a Force die for me?

CAMERON: All of us?

NICK: Mm-hmm!

CAMERON: Okay. Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

NICK: Roll one more?

CAMERON: Oh no, HK… One dark side.

NICK: Oh no!


NICK: As though by fate, the mythosaur hones in on HK. Could you roll me six green die, please, against two purple? Well, actually, flip my dark side point and upgrade one of those to a yellow.

CAMERON: So five green, a yellow, and two purple?

NICK: Yep.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages, and a triumph.

NICK: Ooh goodness. Uh… so that’s 10 damage coming at HK, which is not great. The good news is that’s only half of his health.

CAMERON: [nervous exhaling chuckle]

NICK: Let’s roll up that crit.


LILIT: The 77 on the crit chart is Overpowered. Attacker may immediately attempt another free attack using same pool as the original attack.


NICK: Wow!


NICK: Yep, this thing I think sweeps with a claw, digging up the ground under it, and knocks HK into the air with one claw and rearing back on its hind legs it sweeps down at him with the other. We’ll do another attack.

CAMERON: This is too many dice. On that one we got two advantages.

NICK: Oh, it didn’t hit?


NICK: So HK is somehow able to twist in the air, stunningly agile. You’ve never seen him move like this. It’s like that scene with Spiderman where he dodges the saw blades and twists horizontally. HK is falling towards the ground, he has one arm extended and his two legs are stretched out like he’s gonna do a superhero landing, and then he just smashes face-first into the ground with a hollow clang, but he does not get hit. And it is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I think probably the grenade?


LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: I wish everyone could see Lilit’s de facto nod at that tactical decision.

LILIT: [casually] Like yeah, yeah, grenade…


LILIT: Xianna’s gonna throw the grenade at the mythosaur’s face.

NICK: Wonderful. So uh, here’s the thing. The difficulty of doing Ranged attacks against the mythosaur is three reds and three blacks.

LILIT: Okay! Xianna is going to aim.

NICK: Yeah, fair.

LILIT: Yes. Alright… [laughs] I have a triumph with its success, I have a triumph without a success, and a threat.

NICK: Huh! Interesting. I would imagine that you would like to crit since you hit it and that’s on [fades out]

LILIT: I would like to crit since I hit it.

NICK: Yeah. The other triumph you can either use to add 10 to the crit or you can do something creative.

LILIT: One will go for the crit.

NICK: Okay.


LILIT: A 40 is Stinger. Add a difficulty to next check.

NICK: Okay. So how much damage does this do?

LILIT: Alright… 8 damage. Blast is 6.

NICK: So that’s 14 +1 is 15, if you activated it.

LILIT: Correct. I’m going to spend one of those Destiny Points to activate Soft Spot on my Scoundrel talent tree which is after making a successful attack I may spend one to add damage equal to my Cunning, and my Cunning is 5, so that would be 21 damage points in total.

NICK: Wow, that’s a lot.

HUDSON: [chuckling] It is unphased.

NICK: Well, yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [laughs]

NICK: You toss this grenade up into the air. It’s a perfect shot. It hits it right between the nostrils, somewhere where the scales are very small. Obviously they’re more sensitive. This grenade explodes even larger than you would expect. The fire encases the front of the mythosaur’s head. It roars in anger, and as the smoke clears it’s barely lost a step.

A single teeny-tiny drop of blood drips down, and the camera follows it as it drips from its nose, off of its jaw, and hits the ground. It looks small, but from your side it’s a large amount of blood. Maybe the size of two fists hits the ground and splashes with a sizzle. But, you didn’t do a whole lot. You did hurt it, but not very much, unfortunately.

Up next is an NPC slot, and I think the mythosaur is going to target the person who threw the angry exploding rock at it.

LILIT: Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

NICK: So that’s gonna be six—Basically, it’s so large that it takes a single step and it’s within engaged range of you all. It steps forward and swings a front claw straight at Xianna, and it’s six greens versus two purple. You have some Defense, don’t you?

LILIT: I have a Defense, so that’ll be a black die, and also I’m gonna perform a Dodge incidental.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I’m gonna suffer strain equal to my ranks in Dodge, which is 1, so that upgrades the difficulty of that attack.

NICK: And it also is at increased difficulty because of the crit it had against it as well. But I will say because you rolled a threat that you put enough into the throw and focusing on being accurate that you’re not able to dodge as much as you want, so it will also have a blue die, so that will be a red, two purple, a black, a blue, and six greens.

CAMERON: Five advantages.

NICK: So… Xianna, you’re able to dodge it. It gouges a large tunnel with its claws as you step out of the way which you all slide down into. I’m going to say those advantages are if anyone tries to move out of melee range with it or to get to different position or cover or anything like that, you’ll have to pass an Athletics check to get out of the hole it’s dug for you. Xianna, do you wanna describe how you dodge this giant swipe? Because it’s impressive.

LILIT: Xianna drops down, does a barrel roll off to the side behind a pillar.

NICK: Nice. Very good. Up next is a PC slot.

HUDSON: I look up and I shout at Kettle.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle! Hey! Uh… what’s this mythosaur’s name?

NICK (as Kettle): You have an interesting set of priorities, Tink. That’s really something that I like about you. I like that you can be facing your own impending death after having pissed off one of the most dangerous women in the galaxy and your focus is what the name of this creature is. It’s Experiment 247.

HUDSON (as Tink): Experiment 247… So, I see that you’ve sent us a challenge here. Is there any way that you would reconsider having us battle this particular experiment? Is there one that’s like half its size or something less deadly?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Go ahead and roll me a Charm check, Tink, or Negotiation.

HUDSON: I’ll do Negotiation.

NICK: Okay. This is literally a Negotiation, so that makes sense. It’s going to be hard difficulty with two black die, so three purple, two black.

HUDSON: One failure and three threats. I did a mess-up.



NICK: She looks like she’s thinking and she taps her long finger to her cheek. Then Tink, you realize that what she’s actually doing is looking behind you as though buying time for this creature to swipe at you, and that’s when this thing swipes at Xianna who barrel rolls out of the way and steps aside.

Suddenly the ground that you were standing on has been scooped out. It’s like you’re standing in a swimming pool now. You fall through the empty air and fall prone, [dramatic bass noise], at the bottom of this chasm. That was just talking. If you wanna try and do something else, you can.

HUDSON: Okay. I have my vibro-axe, right?

NICK: Absolutely. You’re fully armed.

HUDSON: I would like to run at the mythosaur and try to swipe and cut through its leg.

NICK: You’ve done this before, you realize. You’re having flashbacks to the last time you fought a giant monster. First, I need you to roll a hard difficulty Athletics check to get out of this pit that you’re in.

HUDSON: I have 0 in Athletics. Let’s go! Let’s fucking go!

CAMERON: You’re brawny.

HUDSON: Two successes and an advantage!

NICK: Okay. So, you’re able to climb up out of this hole and charge at this creature. It’s balanced on three legs as it follows through with its swipe at Xianna. You’re acting very quickly and surely, and now you can roll your attack. To Melee attack the mythosaur is two reds and three blacks.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: Wow! Good job. How much damage is that?

HUDSON: Eight.

NICK: Okay. So, you swing your axe. You manage to impact with this thing. You’ve hit walls with your axe, you’ve hit space ships with your axe, you’ve hit people with your axe. You’ve hit all sorts of things, and never has it bounced back so forcefully. You feel the vibrations travel up your shoulders, and this thing barely even notices that you have attacked it. We’re onto another PC slot.

CAMERON: Alright. I’m going to try to get out of this hole. It was a hard Athletics?

NICK: Okay, so that’ll be a hard Athletics check. Yep.

CAMERON: Just a success.

NICK: Just a success?


NICK: You’re out of the hole. Where are you headed?

CAMERON: I am headed to either… to one of the sides, just moving away so that we’re not all in this one location together.

NICK: Okay, trying to flank it, basically.

CAMERON: Yeah. Trying to spread us out a little bit so that if it just decides to step on one location we aren’t all there.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense. If you spend your extra maneuver to do an additional move, you can make it so that it still can’t reach you in one swipe, that it would have to walk towards you and away from your friends, or if you just do the one move, you’ll be over to the side, it’ll just be able to pick its target.

CAMERON: Alright, I will do two.

NICK: Okay. So where are you running to? What are you trying to do?

CAMERON: I am running over to the mythosaur’s left side. There is one of the little corridors that kind of runs through a hill and it’s kind of like a bird blind where there’s a small little window in this hill so that Karma can see out of it.

NICK: [chuckles] Okay. My, that sounds convenient.

CAMERON: Doesn’t it though?

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s like I had multiple triumphs earlier.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense.

CAMERON: I’m going to shoot it.

NICK: Alright.

CAMERON: Shooting was three reds and two blacks?

NICK: Three reds and three blacks.

CAMERON: Well, so… I have one success, a threat, a triumph, and a despair.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. You hit it. Let’s go ahead and see what damage you do to it first.

CAMERON: Okay, that would be 14 damage, and my gun’s not on stun right now.

NICK: Makes sense. Okay. So, do you wanna roll that crit?

CAMERON: Yeah. An 88 +40.

NICK: Technically it’s +10 because it got crit on by the grenade.


LILIT: Alright, so if the crit is 138, it is Bleeding Out. Suffer 1 wound and 1 strain per turn until injury is healed.

NICK: Wow.

CAMERON: Perma-damage!

LILIT: Suffer 1 critical injury per 5 wounds beyond wound threshold.

NICK: Interesting. Okay. So, here’s the thing. The blaster bolt does not pierce the scales of this creature. It just scores off and leaves some scoring. How do you… Where do you hit it? What do you do that causes it to start to bleed?

CAMERON: Well, so we’re in Mandalore Park. It’s very important to be able to control your mythosaur, you know, for science. So it has… I guess it’s not a restraining bolt because it’s not a droid, but essentially that same type of thing.

LILIT: It has a bark collar. You know.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Yeah, you know, just a really big bark collar so that it stays quiet at night and you can sleep. But basically so that they can easily knock it out if they need to do any veterinary services to it. [laughs] or get close to it for science. I hit that, so it kind of arcs, and it’s going to just continue to sit there and spark the mythosaur.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Yeah. This thing is genetically engineered and this is part of the construction of the creature, so you manage to hit it somewhere very bad and it is obviously in pain but still very angry.


NICK: It is HK’s turn. Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): HK! Are you with me, buddy?

NICK (as HK): Weak Statement: I am still technically functioning but would like to not be hit by this creature again.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, do a Holonet search for the mythosaur’s natural enemies.

NICK (as HK): Instruction from Boss Man acknowledged.

NICK: We’ll just say HK has a Wi-Fi connection. Sure. We’ve never really established that one way or the other. Roll me a Xenology check, Cameron, please. HK’s Xenology is two green dice. We’ll say that it’s an average difficulty check. The mythosaur is a thing that there’s a lot of information about out there.

CAMERON: A threat. [chuckles]

NICK: HK is aiming down the sights of his blaster rifle at this mythosaur, and without looking towards you, Tink, he says:

NICK (as HK): Successful Statement: I have found the main enemy of the mythosaur. What would you like me to do with this information?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would like you to find high-quality audio recordings of that adversary and blast them out of your sound speakers at the mythosaur.

NICK: HK cocks his head, puts the rifle down, and says:

NICK (as HK): There are no existing recordings of the sound necessary, but I will use this artistic rendition.

NICK: HK emits a sound like the gravelly screech of a starship scraping against multiple asteroids that are disappointed in you. Once the sound is completed, the mythosaur turns towards HK. He has gotten this thing’s entire attention.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, your strategy of playing a female mythosaur roar appears to have worked.

NICK: And it’s an NPC slot.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: This mythosaur is going to crush the living daylights out of HK.



LILIT: RIP HK, we barely knew you.

NICK: I would like to flip a dark side point to upgrade this attack. I think that this thing has become so fixated upon HK that it’s going to aim to add a blue die. Also, it gets a blue die from the threat.

CAMERON: Six successes…

NICK: Oh no.

CAMERON: …four advantages.

NICK: [long strained exhale] Okay. So, that does… wow. It does 15 damage which puts HK down below 0.

HUDSON: Oh no.

NICK: It also crits. So, I need you to roll me a crit +10.

CAMERON: That will be a 70.

LILIT: A 70 is Scattered Senses. Gain no boost dice until end of encounter.

NICK: Oh that’s fine because HK’s unconscious. Then, I need you to roll me another crit at +20 because he is unconscious.


LILIT: A 56 is Agonizing Wound. Plus difficulty to Brawn (Agility) checks until end of encounter, which is okay because he’s unconscious.


CAMERON: He doesn’t mind that much.

NICK: I don’t know if HK would agree with you on the “okay.” This creature leans in close. It gets its—It’s head is so much bigger and so much taller than HK’s body. He sways as its nostrils flair as it takes a deep sniff of the droid. HK leans back and you can see a nano-knife extend from his arm. He starts to say something and swing forward, and as he goes to punch this thing in the face a giant clawed foot just crushes him.

It’s like in between frames of a camera. First you see HK there punching defiantly at this creature and then there’s just a foot, and then the foot scrapes away with a scattering of sparks. His chest is caved in. His limbs are at odd angles. The lights on his head are out. He is very, very heavily damaged. You can see, where his chest is caved in, a piece of a central processing core sticking out like a rib that has punched through, and a piece of the Rancor Protocol is even exposed.

HK is in really bad shape. You’re not sure if he’s even alive. Hopefully you can fix him, but you don’t know. Up next is a PC slot.

LILIT: So Nick, what does the ceiling of this place look like? And why does it have a whole bunch of stalactites?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Well, it has a whole bunch of stalactites because that would be part of the native cave structure in which the mythosaur was known to roam. It adds a certain ambience to the display. Because the ceiling does have very large synthetic stalactites all over it. They look almost razor sharp, one might say.

LILIT: Xianna looks up at the very high lofted ceiling in this place and starts to shoot at the stalactites hoping to, at the very least, create a little bit of a barrier between everyone and the mythosaur.

NICK: Alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are you doing? We could have used those to climb out. Why are you shooting them down?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we don’t need to climb out, we need to survive. Look at HK! He is dead.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK is not necessarily dead—

LILIT (as Xianna): RIP HK! We will remember you. F in the chat!


HUDSON (as Tink): No, no F in the chat. HK’s taking a nap.

NICK: A small pitiful spark shoots out of HK’s crushed-in head.

LILIT: Instead of aiming, Xianna’s gonna use a maneuver to quickdraw some impact.


NICK: Okay!

LILIT: Because now one hand is free because the grenade got thrown.

NICK: Yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: So she now has a free hand. She already had her blaster in the other, so… Yeah, quickdraw some impact. That is going to up my Agility. How far away would you say we are?

NICK: From the ceiling?


NICK: Long range.

LILIT: Okay. Can I flip a Destiny Point?

CAMERON: Yeah, we got four of them.

LILIT: Alright, that is one success and four advantages.

NICK: Golly. Would you like those advantages to be that you knock some stalactites down from the ceiling?

LILIT: That’s what I would like my successes to be as well.

NICK: Would you like your advantages to be that you knock additional stalactites down from the ceiling?

LILIT: Yes. I would like to knock as many stalactites down as possible.

NICK: You spray blaster fire up towards the ceiling. These large constructed stalactites are knocked loose. That seems to be some sort of safety issue, but you’re thankful for it at the moment, and they come crashing down. One impales itself into the shoulder of the mythosaur. It roars in rage but still seems to absolutely be looking around for who to attack next. A string of these stalactites fall down in between you and the mythosaur, and Tink and the mythosaur, narrowly missing HK’s crushed body.

You have made a barrier that it will probably have to crash through to get to you and have hurt it. The roar that it did is definitely a much more panicked noise than you’ve heard from it so far and you can see that its shoulder is already stained red with the blood welling up around the now-damaged muscle.

We are to another NPC slot. It’s going to use its turn smashing through these stalactites trying to get to Xianna and Tink. It is tearing with both of its front claws, one stronger than the other, ripping this durasteel and plaster and stone carvings apart to get to you. It does manage to clear most of them away and advance upon you, but it takes quite a while and energy and you can see that shock collar continually going off is still hurting it and is using some of its energy.

So, you have managed to slow it down. That was a very good move. You’ve hurt it very badly. Up next is another PC slot. Are you going, Karma?


NICK: Before you go, you rolled a despair in your last turn, didn’t you?

CAMERON: [sweetly] I did, yes.

NICK: You’ve managed to flank this creature. You found yourself in some very nice cover. This thing is pointed away from you, attacking your friends, shredding these stones, and something, as you look around for what you’re going to do next, that you didn’t think about or maybe forgot about in the action is that this creature also has a very, very large tail. But you’re very quickly reminded of it as the tail smashes through the cover that you’re in and sends you flying. I need you to roll six greens against your defense.

CAMERON: An advantage.

NICK: So, you don’t get hurt. This thing hits you, smashes you, knocks you out of cover, but you’re able to absorb the blow. What does it look like as you’re flung backwards by this tail but not injured?

CAMERON: I feel like when the tail crashes through the cover, along with picking up Karma and flinging her, it also flings a large portion of this little hill that she was hiding in. So, I think Karma’s able to kind of push off of that as they’re both flying to get her body back under control so that she can land and safely roll when she hits the ground. Then there’s just a giant crash of the rest of the hill hitting the ground behind her.

NICK: Very cool. Now that has happened, you find yourself in the free and clear. The tail is recoiling back as the creature continues to focus on your friends. What do you do?

CAMERON: The last thing I saw before getting flung across the room was Xianna shooting at the ceiling and stalactites falling, and that seems smart, so I’m gonna do that too.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Alright, and I am aiming at the stalactites.

NICK: Makes sense.

CAMERON: Four successes, a triumph, and two threats.

NICK: Okay. You’re able to knock quite a few of the stalactites down. I think with the threats you’re gonna have to dodge a couple that are a little close to you.

CAMERON: Yeah, that’s fine.

NICK: Would you like to use the triumph that the stalactites crit on this thing?


NICK: Okay. We’ll say that a stalactite is Vicious 2, so it can be +20, but it’s actually +40 because it’s been crit on twice, so let’s roll that crit.

CAMERON: Question.

NICK: Yeah?

CAMERON: Does my Lethal Blows still count?

NICK: I don’t think so.

CAMERON: Because it’s any critical injury result inflicted on opponent. I’m inflicting stalactites on the opponent.

NICK: That feels like a pretty big stretch to me.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yeah. Okay, I’m fine with just the +40.

NICK: I appreciate that you’re trying, but I don’t think so on that one.

CAMERON: That’s a 60, so it’ll be a 100.

LILIT: A 100 is the one we’ve called Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed or replaced. Plus difficulty to all checks using that limb.

NICK: So, this particularly large and jagged stalactite crashes down very close to the one that Xianna was able to hit this creature with, and it dislocates the shoulder, and this creature, if it’s attacking with that arm, is going to really struggle to hit things. So I think if it’s attacking with its claws, it has increased difficulty going forward.

It is hurt pretty bad. You all have managed to shake it. The downside is you’ve pretty much cleared the ceiling of these stalactites at this point. There’s some around the edges, but this thing is in the middle—it’s still right up in your face and there aren’t a lot more. You’re not sure if that’s gonna really be able to finish it off even though it did make some progress. Also, I need a hard Coordination check from you, Karma.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

NICK: As a couple of the stalactites are crashing towards you.

CAMERON: One success, two advantages.

NICK: You’re able to dodge out of the way. I think you do it so nimbly that you’re able to distract this thing slightly, so whatever the next person does will have a blue die on the check, because this thing got hit by a stalactite, followed them down as they were going towards you, and you’re able to move so quickly that you… kind of like a cat follows movement, this thing is distracted by your quick dodge. Up next is the last PC slot of the round.

HUDSON: I’m gonna flip a light side point. As the stalactites fell, under the ground, it kind of ripped up parts of the ground and uncovered a series of pipes. One of them has a toxic warning label on it and it’s lime green, and I was like:

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s probably something that could hurt a beast.

NICK: Is it a frowny face making a gross face with its tongue sticking out? Is that the logo that’s on the pipe?

HUDSON: It’s the medical hazard sign, more so.

NICK: Okay cool. What are you gonna do with this pipe to poison the beast?

HUDSON: I’m going to take my axe and swing it and break the pipe.

NICK: Okay. I’m gonna say, to hit the pipe at such an angle that it sprays the beast, it’s gonna be a hard difficulty attack.

HUDSON: I would like to aim.

NICK: Great idea. [laughs]

HUDSON: Four successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. I would say that you are able to hit it exactly the way you imagine, and it does exactly what you want it to. What is that, exactly? [laughs]

HUDSON: I try to be really cool about it, so I do like a full-body swing at it, at the angle to hit the beast, and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Spladoosh!

HUDSON: I make it squirt all over its face.



NICK: Okay. What do you think the stuff in this hazardous-marked pipe is? What do you think it does? Is it acid? Is it poison? Is it a hallucinogen?

HUDSON: The concoction that squirts on the mythosaur is something that smells like lavender, is a little bit thick and gaseous, and hits the mythosaur right in the face and makes it really woozy and dizzy and it starts to sway from side to side.

NICK: It looks like a creature that has been tranquilized but is fighting the effects, because that’s what’s happened. It’s stumbling a little, but it continues to swipe at the air. It’s an NPC slot, and it is going to swipe at Tink as hard as it can. That’s six greens against Tink’s defense, which he doesn’t have. Also, flip me a dark side point to upgrade it, please.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

HUDSON: Man, you really wanna hurt us. [laughs]

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: So that’s 11 damage, Tink.


NICK: Minus your Soak.


NICK: This thing, it bats at you and the claws dig into your side as it flings you back away from it, and it makes a low roar as it starts to sink down onto its haunches. It’s to another PC slot. This thing appears to be about to fall unconscious but has not yet done so.

LILIT: I mean, I don’t know what everyone else’s plan is, but Xianna’s plan is to cover her face and try to run for cover.

NICK: It’s probably a good thing. It’s almost like it’s gonna get one more attack at somebody and then pass out, or something.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna’s more concerned with when it passes out, because that’s probably gonna be a real big thud and that’s gonna create some problems in the environment.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Mm-hmm. Cool. So Xianna, you cover your face and run, I assume? You spend a strain to do a double maneuver to get as far as possible?

LILIT: Correct. I’m assuming that Xianna—her coat collar buttons up in a way that it will cover her face, and look very cool and cyberpunk I guess.

NICK: [chuckles] Yeah. Xianna, with the natural terrain of this arena, you’re also able to slide behind an outcropping of rocks and find more cover as well. It’s another mythosaur slot. Karma and Tink, roll me a Force die please. This thing is having trouble seeing straight but is still very angry.

HUDSON: One light side.

CAMERON: Two dark side!

NICK: It whips around, locks eyes with Karma, and it charges at you because you had cleared some ground and tries to swing at you. It’s gonna be six greens, but it does have an increased difficulty because of its injured shoulder. I would like to flip a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: I am going to take 2 strain to Dodge, because I have 2 Ranks in Dodge.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So I will upgrade the difficulty of the attack by two.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: An advantage and a despair. No failures or successes.

NICK: Huh, so it doesn’t manage to hit you. I think that you start to backpedal as it gets close and it starts to stagger, and it falls to its knees and gets up and then falls again.

CAMERON: And then it just faceplants into the wall.

NICK: Yeah. You’re able to jump out of the way and it staggers forward and smashes into the wall and collapses. With a solid (wumf), it falls unconscious under the effects of this gas that is slowly filling the arena. Before you all even have a moment to celebrate your victory, from the PA system you hear Kettle say:

NICK (as Kettle): What do you mean there’s incoming fighters? This place should be protected by the Mandalorian Vanguard.

NICK: There’s a long pause and then there’s an explosion that shakes the arena and knocks more of those stalactites loose around the edge of the arena. Xianna, having run for the edge of the arena, one of them does crash unsettlingly close to you.

NICK (as Kettle): Lock the portals. We’ll leave them in there. We have to settle this now.

NICK: And the scientists start to scramble. The wall goes back up, separating her from where you are. You’re stuck in this arena with no audience, and the lights flicker and then turn red like emergency lighting. The announcer voice you heard earlier says:

NICK (as announcer): We apologize for the delay in the show. There appears to be some sort of emergency. Please follow your ushers to the emergency exits.

NICK: You see doors open on the stands, but you’re separated from that by the transparesteel walls and you can’t escape. It looks like someone is attacking Kettle’s base.

CAMERON: Karma runs over and starts gathering up HK.

NICK: One of his arms and both of his legs have been knocked off. His head is twisted around so it’s almost on backwards. You’re able to fashion him…

CAMERON: I have some net for fishing and I fashion a backpack out of it, and then I put it on my back.

NICK: Thank you. Yeah.

CAMERON: But I set it up to where an actor could potentially be sitting up in it and use strings to control the arms. [laughs]

NICK: So, we see Karma hooking HK’s shattered frame into a netting backpack and putting it on. Tink and Xianna are looking over her. Everybody is dusty and worse for wear. Another explosion shakes the arena, dust settling down around you in a fine mist. The announcer voice changes in timbre and says:

NICK (as announcer): Security breech. Security breech. There are trespassers in the facility.

LILIT: Xianna pulls her coat’s facemask down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well this is even weirder now.

CAMERON (as Karma): What are the odds of someone infiltrating the base the same day we decided to infiltrate the base?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, at least one, apparently.

HUDSON (as Tink): Never tell me the odds!

LILIT (as Xianna): We’re a little too late for that, Tink. Also, are you happy? You got to fight a mythosaur. Are you happy now?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… I was actually gonna be polite and not rub it in your frickin’ face that mythosaurs exist, but they frickin’ do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Only because Kettle like genetically engineered and created a new one.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s still a mythosaur. I mean, it’s the same thing as if you take a boat completely apart and then build it back. Is it the same boat?

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh gosh. We don’t have time for that one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, if you take a boat apart and then put it back together, it is the same boat.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, but you use some new parts.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that’s not what you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): With some new parts or like all new parts?

HUDSON (as Tink): 89%.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, so 89% new parts?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then it’s a new boat.

HUDSON (as Tink): But, you’re using… It’s in the same place as the old boat.

LILIT (as Xianna): You can’t just build a new boat where there used to be a different boat and say it’s the other boat. That’s not how that works.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re still using parts from the old boat.

LILIT (as Xianna): But only like 11%.

HUDSON (as Tink): Anyways.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, do you want me to take a picture of you and the mythosaur?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… Tink. Okay. So if a little baby Gigoran was born in the exact spot you were born, and then I handed it your belt, would that be Tink now?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is… Is it named Tink?

LILIT (as Xianna): Sure. Let’s say. Let’s say it is named Tink. Is it exactly the same Gigoran as you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it part of my lineage? Is it from my loins?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s just a different Gigoran born in the exact same spot, but it’s like 11% you because of the belt.

NICK: You all are having this argument as Tink walks to the mythosaur’s head and does like a kawaii peace sign and Karma’s taking pictures.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna’s absolutely taking selfies during this whole conversation.


NICK: We get the snapshot of Tink standing proudly in front of the mythosaur and Xianna off to the side taking selfies, and then there’s another huge explosion that blows one of the walls out. The final shot that we see is the snapshot picture with the polaroid frame and it’s Tink and Xianna ducking from the explosion as dust rains around this sleeping mythosaur, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 35 We Bought A Safari

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 35:
We Bought A Safari

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We have a few announcements today.

First, the 2021 Tabletop Squadron Virtual Convention will be October 8th to 10th. You can find panel information at bit.ly/TabletopCon2021. Regular panels will be free and open to all and will be hosted on our Twitch channel, twitch.tv/TabletopSquadron. There will be some after-hours events that are Patreon exclusives. More information on those will be released on our Patreon page closer to the events. There’s also a limited edition con shirt that can be found on our TeePublic store at bit.ly/TabletopShop.

The con schedule is not yet finalized, so be sure to check for updates as we get closer. We hope to see you there.

Second, thanks to Dexter for the use of the NPCs Ripper and Doc featured in this episode. You too can submit NPCs by joining the $10 Build-A-Beru level on our Patreon.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 35 – the second season and 35th anniversary of me getting the number of the episode correct every time. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Today we’re gonna go around the table and everybody say who they are and who they’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Perfect. Last but not least we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I like the implication that we have been doing this for 35 years.


NICK: Oh yeah, anniversary would be an “annual” thing, hence the name, huh?

LILIT: Uh-huh. Yeah.

NICK: Yeah…

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Well, it’s the anniversary of the 35th episode of the second season… 35th anniversary.

NICK: Time is hard.

HUDSON: The inaugural 35th episode of the second season.

LILIT: The inaugural anniversary of the 35th episode.

CAMERON: The anniversary of the 35th… yeah.

NICK: [laughs] Sixty percent of the time it’s the anniversary every time.

CAMERON: [disappointed] No…

NICK: Yup.

CAMERON: [cringing] Nuh-uh.

LILIT: Yeah, we started this podcast in 1986.

NICK: Huh!

LILIT: None of us were born yet.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: But you know, we managed. We made it work, you know? #GirlBoss.

CAMERON: It’s called dedication.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: It’s called, you know—

CAMERON: Hustle!

LILIT: Wake and grind. You gotta go get that bread, you know?  Hustle!

NICK: Before we get started with the recap for the episode, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.


NICK: So, last time on Tabletop Squadron, you all made it to Mandalore. You had finished having a lovely sit-down snack and magic show with Tink’s parents, Rhonda and Mossie, and you went to go procure a way to travel out into the Mandalorian wilderness which you discovered the only real way to do that is by chartering a safari.

There was one speeder left, and the only way to get a reservation with the speeder was through a traditional trial by combat, which Karma succeeded at in flying colors, revealing that the Mandalorian you were combatting was actually Mills, a friend that you had met long ago, and you went on a wholesome and educational adventure to see animals in the Mandalorian grasslands. You saw many different animals and you were very excited about this, and then you made camp for the evening, and that’s where we are going to kick it off.


NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight breaking camp the next morning. Balthazar the strill is wandering the perimeter and sniffing. Mills, your guide, is packing the equipment and electric fence back into the speeder, and the crew are standing around in the early morning light waiting for it to be time to leave. What is everyone doing after spending a night roughing it in the grasslands as they wait for camp to finish breaking down?

CAMERON: Eating some breakfast spaghetti, obviously.

NICK: Oh yes, that traditional treat. Is it still good? Has it started to get crispy yet?

CAMERON: Why would it get crispy?

NICK: That happens when you leave spaghetti out long enough.

LILIT: It’s not out. It was in tupperware.

CAMERON: It’s not—Yeah.

LILIT: It was protected.

HUDSON: If anything it would get more soggy.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: So are you all eating breakfast spaghetti? [chuckles]


NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I’m assuming Tink and Karma are eating it out of tupperware, but Xianna is eating it out of her spaghetti pocket.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Okay, I have questions about the spaghetti pocket and now’s the time to get into it.

LILIT: It’s not solely a spaghetti pocket. Sometimes it’s a soup pocket or, you know, a nerf rib pocket. It can hold pizza. It is a heat… It is a thermal insulating pocket.

NICK: So the question is, though, is Xianna sitting down with the jacket held up by her face, eating with a fork? Have you detached the pocket and are eating out of it like a pouch? Are you using hands? Are you using silverware? Do you keep silverware in your jacket specifically for these purposes? I have to know.

LILIT: Yes, of course Xianna has silverware in her coat. It’s not always the same silverware, but are we gonna act like Xianna doesn’t always take at least a fork from every restaurant she goes to?

NICK: This is fair. This is true.

LILIT: At the very least she’s stealing a fork if not a whole set of silverware and the cup when she goes to a restaurant, especially if it’s a chain restaurant. Duh. So, she has a fork. She would never eat spaghetti with her hands. What even is that question? I feel insulted.


NICK: So, is Xianna just surreptitiously dipping a fork into an inside pocket and then pulling it out with a twirl of spaghetti on it, or… what is the technique here?

LILIT: No, she is very proudly eating spaghetti out of a pocket that is just on the bottom half of the coat. She’s not holding it up to her face or anything, she has confidence in her spaghetti-twirling ability.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: Also, it’s a black coat, so it’s not like it’s gonna stain or anything.

NICK: This is a point.

LILIT: I’m sure it’s also waterproof and non-stick. It’s Star Wars.

NICK: They don’t have washing machines or buttons, so…

CAMERON: That’s true.

NICK: Clothes just have to be indestructible. So, as you are eating your spaghetti and the sun is beginning to rise, Mills finishes packing up the camp and calls to you all from the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Hey, it’s time to go. You ready to continue your, uh, your life-changing once-in-a-lifetime trip through Mandalorian wilderness and learn about animals?

NICK: You can see he’s reading off of a little cue card he pulled out of his pocket to try to hit the main points as a safari guide.

CAMERON: That’s adorable.

CAMERON (as Karma): I am super ready to see some more animals, Mills.

NICK: He nods thanks to you and gestures towards the elevated seats on the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Well, climb aboard, adventurers. Perhaps today we will see the elusive stathas or more Fanned Rawls or other creatures.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m ready-spaghetti.

HUDSON: And I swallow my last piece of spaghetti.

NICK: [smiling exhale] You all climb up into this speeder and you take off. We get another montage of you all riding low over the grasses, occasionally stopping to observe animals in scrubby trees or the brush. You do see a stathas which is like… it’s just a komodo dragon. It’s a komodo dragon. You see a stathas and it’s very cool, and it starts to chase after the speeder. You notice most of these creatures at some point try to kill you, but Mills is an expert of maneuvering.

Around lunch time you’re still continuing. He’s handed out sandwiches for you all and is driving to the next watering hole to see what creatures he can find. I need you all to make a survival check for me at average difficulty.


LILIT: For me, that is three successes and one advantage.

CAMERON: Just one success for Karma.

HUDSON: Two failures.


NICK: So Tink doesn’t notice. He’s a little wrapped up in the memory lane of what him and Sabos had apparently planned for this trip when they were going to go. But Karma and Xianna, you both notice around the same time. The route that Mills is taking isn’t straight.

He had said he was going to bring you into the heart of this grassland to see everything and that you would turn around and come back, but there’s an area in a shallow bowl in the landscape. It’s kilometers wide, but you can tell that he never goes downhill. There’s a part of this reserve that he’s avoiding and he’s trying to do it subtly, but you notice it just from the directions and keeping track of where you are that there’s clearly an area he’s trying not to go to.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mills, why are we not going over in that area?

NICK: Mills is driving and you see his head hunch a little between his shoulders. I think you all have little headsets with microphones on them so you can talk over the sound of the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Oh, uh… there’s nothing really interesting over there. Look, this way, there’s more shriek hawks. Remember how—

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No Mills, what is the super cool thing you are hiding from us?

NICK (as Mills): I’m not trying to hide anything. There’s nothing there. It’s like… It’s like a shadowy area. We never go there. You should never go there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that where the petting zoo is? Because you haven’t let us pet any of the animals yet.

NICK (as Mills): You’ve seen that almost all of them are venomous or can spit acid or have massive claws, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and I don’t see the problem.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think there’s a petting zoo out here, Xianna.

NICK (as Mills): Karma’s right.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why not?! Why can there not be a petting zoo?

NICK (as Mills): There is no petting zoo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. What do you mean there’s no petting zoo? I want to pet the animals.

CAMERON (as Karma): There could be one on Mandalore, I don’t know, but I think that’s gonna be SEPARATE from the safari.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would you not have a petting zoo?

CAMERON (as Karma): So they can charge you more money, obviously.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, but I want to feed some little animals.

NICK: At this point during the argument, Balthazar, the hairless strill, is climbing awkwardly over the seats towards the back. He has six legs, so they’re kind of galumphy and stepping over. They manage to step on Tink’s crotch and get kinda stuck on Karma’s shoulder and it’s very awkward. This giant 200 pound creature is now sitting in Xianna’s lap and rolls over. It’s got all these flaps of skin between its legs and it smells really bad, and it’s panting and looking at you. Like, it’ll take pets.

LILIT: Xianna does start petting it and does pull out a bantha cake from a pocket and starts breaking off little pieces and feeding it.

NICK: Oh, it definitely wraps its toothy maw around your hand and pulls free and you just have one little piece pinched in one hand and a slobbery empty hand in the other and that’s it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?! Balthazar is a good boy, yes.

NICK: As you’re scratching his tummy his leg starts to kick, several of them, and the leg starts to kick where you’re scratching so you pull your hands back so you don’t get hit with the claws and he’s hitting his own kick spot so his legs are just turning into like a Sonic the Hedgehog spinning wheel.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh fuck. Oh no. Oh… oh, oh no. Okay. But Mills, we are obviously not going over to that area, so what super cool thing are you hiding from us?

NICK: Why don’t  you roll me a Charm check? See if you can get Mills to just straight tell you. It’s gonna be a hard difficulty with a black die.

LILIT: Joke’s on you, I have Kill With Kindness which allows me to remove a black die from all Charm and Leadership checks. I’m also going to use my skill Congenial. I can suffer a number of strain to downgrade the difficulty of a Charm or Negotiation check.

HUDSON: Take it all away.

LILIT: So I’m going to take 1 strain to reduce that check to average difficulty, and… that’s all I got. That is one success and two advantages.

NICK: Mills realizes you’re not gonna drop the subject. He looks over his shoulder and sees you… I guess just holding Balthazar, since Balthazar’s basically just scratching himself at this point. He’s got it covered. He turns the speeder down and lands and turns the bucket seat around so that he can look at you and takes his headset off, because you’re not that far away from him, it’s just loud.

NICK (as Mills): Look. There’s some sort of boundary over there. There’s a facility of some kind. All of the safari guides were told to stay out of that area, that it was very dangerous, or we could lose our licenses to come out here. That’s how I’m making my living right now. It seems very under the table, like dispatch is getting paid, we get paid a little. I’m not sure if there’s bandits or black marketeers or what, but I am not supposed to take anybody over there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit. That’s probably where Kettle is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Is that the middle?

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, it’s pretty well close to the middle I would say.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, okay, that’s where we’re trying to go.

NICK (as Mills): Ugh… I really don’t want to take you there, though, is the thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you just have to take us close. We’ll get in the rest of the way. We know the person running the illegal facility.

NICK (as Mills): So, the other thing is what am I supposed to do? Just wait in the area I’m not supposed to be until you get back? I can’t just—

LILIT (as Xianna): No, you wait “outside” the area you’re not supposed to be. Duh.

NICK (as Mills): Okay, you’re gonna need to pay me for this. There’s no way that I just do this and risk losing my job.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Tink, pay him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you not remember my recent betting incident?

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma! Karma, do you have money?

NICK (as Mills): Look, we have a long history. I’ll do it for 1,000 Credits. I’ll stay on-call. I’ll come pick you up when you need me to. I don’t want anything to happen to you, but I can’t go back without you because they tend to frown on safari guides going out with guests and coming back with no one. That’s what you call murder.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we can come to an agreement in something that’s not monetary.

HUDSON: And I wink.

NICK: He looks really uncomfortable at that. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you have to stop doing that. It doesn’t mean what you think it means!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, I meant we could, like, have a series of Rock Paper Scissors competitions or a nice crisp IOU that I’ve written down.

NICK (as Mills): Hmm…

CAMERON: Karma already has her wallet out and has been going through it. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma. Karma, do you have 1,000 Credits? Can we expense that? I know you pay taxes. Can you like write that off on your taxes as a business expense?

CAMERON (as Karma): I actually can, yes.


HUDSON (as Tink): We pay taxes?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma does. I don’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s part of the requirement for being in the bounty hunter guild. Yeah.

NICK (as Mills): Alright… Fine, I’ll do it, but only because I like you three.

NICK: He glances pointedly at HK and then turns back to the rest of you. So Karma, you give him 1,000 Credits?


NICK: Okay. You toss him a couple of gold bars with no marks of denomination on it, but it’s very clearly 1,000 Credits, obviously.

CAMERON: Obviously. They’re all different shapes, but they are the same monetary amount and it equals 1,000 Credits.

NICK: He bites on one, smiles, and slides them into a slot in his armor, and you begin to drive into the center of the wilderness. It looks the same starting out, just a slight downward slope, but very quickly you can see, as you go further in, the horizon seems to get closer as you go more and more into this “bowl.”

It’s not a thing that you would really notice if you weren’t looking out for it, but it feels more claustrophobic and you see less and less of the sky. The grass starts to die and become more rocky. The speeder is juttering as you get closer. There is a copse of rocks and Mills sets it down and calls Balthazar who scrambles out of your lap, Xianna, and goes back to the front seat. It hurts, because Balthazar has six elbows and they all manage to hit you in the kidneys as he’s scrambling to get out of your lap.

CAMERON: Does he have elbows or knees?

NICK: I don’t know.



NICK: So Mills sets down the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): You can keep going. I’m just going to stay here. Here’s my com number. You can radio out when you’ve finished whatever you need to do. I don’t wanna know. Have fun, I guess. Try not to die. You have 24 hours and then I’m leaving you no matter what it looks like.

LILIT (as Xianna): [with attitude] Okay fine. Be that way, Mills.

NICK (as Mills): I’m going to be that way. That’s why I’m here and camping.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know, that’s why I said it.

NICK (as Mills): Good. It seems like we’re agreed, then.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know what You know what? I think we’re better than this. I think we can do it in under 18 hours.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sharply] Tink…

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t set that kind of limitation for us.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very possible, however let’s not limit the timeframe that we have to get back any more than 24 hours.

HUDSON (as Tink): See, you’re thinking within limits, I’m thinking limitless. I’m thinking we need new challenges aboard the crew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, okay, Tink. I bet you next movie night, next movie night, who gets to pick the movie, okay? I am betting that it takes us longer than 18 hours.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m betting it takes us under 18 hours.

NICK (as Mills): I was gonna go in on the bet for more money, but I guess you all have that covered.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well no, you can’t bet because you’re not invited to movie night.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa. Whoa! Why aren’t they invited to movie night?

LILIT (as Xianna): He’s not going to be on our ship for the next movie night.

NICK (as Mills): I’m not getting on your ship. There’s no way. I’m not doing that.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ship. But okay, it’s a deal. The bet is agreed upon. What movie would you even want to watch if we win?

LILIT (as Xianna): I’d want to watch The Coruscant Job. I like the little mini speeder chase scenes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… What I would make us watch is Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock. I like the whales in it.

NICK: [laughs] You all make this bet on who will get to pick the movie for the next movie night, and Mills, as a neutral third party, starts a timer on his data pad. You can see large white  numbers ticking upwards.

NICK (as Mills): Well, I guess time starts now, so have fun. I do feel it’s important to remind you that while the over-under may be at 18 hours, at 24 you all are stranded out here with all the ravenous and super-deadly animals, so you’re gonna wanna get under that 24 hour mark.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah-yeah, I know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do bathroom breaks and snack times count toward the hour?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! It is when we get back here.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Not the total amount of time we spend infiltrating or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, let’s go~

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go~

CAMERON: Karma does a Mandalorian fist-bump with Mills as she leaves the speeder. [giggles]

NICK: What’s the difference between a Mandalorian fist-bump and a normal fist-bump?

CAMERON: The Mandalorian one makes a metal clinking sound when it happens.

NICK: Very good. I’m glad I asked.


NICK: You all continue down this slope and around this pile of rocks. After about a ten minute walk the pile of rocks is up above you. You can’t see that there’s a speeder there, it’s very well-concealed. Mills is a good pilot.

You see a low duracrete building nestled within some hills down towards the bottom of this basin. You can see that there’s a fence around this facility that seems to be made out of thorny bushes wrapped around scrubby trees. It’s sort of half hedge, half fence. Besides the main building there are a few prefab buildings stuck within this little facility and there’s people moving to and fro.

It looks like some sort of either scientific outpost or almost a military camp except there aren’t really enough people for that. You can see two Twi’leks standing at the only gap in the fence. They look bored but alert. They see you. There’s not really any cover. There’s no way to sneak up or get close—

LILIT: No-no, Xianna’s not trying to sneak up. Xianna is walking and is waving, going:

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello~

NICK: They see the four of you walking up and they wave back. You get within speaking distance and you get a good look at them.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are here to speak to Kettle. I know her.

NICK: As you get close, you see that these two gate guards are Twi’leks. They look like gangsters, essentially. They look like the kind of people you would hire to do dirty jobs and take care of things that people don’t want getting out. Very obviously armed for, if not conflict, for hard living.

There is an orange Twi’lek. She’s wearing a vest that leaves her arms exposed and you can see that one is cybernetic and has what looks like stim packs built into the forearm. Her lekku have floral and plant patterns all the way down them and they kinda look like tattoo sleeves the way the patterns mix together. It’s very pretty.

The person standing with them is a white Twi’lek. They have a headset with a holographic display pulled up and what looks basically like a mask pulled up over their nose and lots of glowing parts everywhere. Very clearly attached to the Holonet and not necessarily paying as much attention.

The orange Twi’lek waves at you as you say hello.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Hey there. It’s good to see you. This area is completely off limits to the public on pain of death. You may not want to be here, gonna be honest.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we are not “the public.” We know Kettle.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Oh, you know Kettle.

NICK: The other Twi’lek doesn’t talk, but their headset starts to scroll faster, you can tell. There’s some lekku language from the white Twi’lek and the orange Twi’lek laughs. Xianna, you can’t quite make it out from the angle they’re standing at.

NICK (as orange Twi’lek): Yeah, they are kinda stupid to just walk right in and say that they know Kettle. That is a very risky decision. You’re right, Ripper. I’m Doc, by the way. Just so we know who we’re talking to here, what are your names?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, like we were supposed to sneak in with a Gigoran? Okay? Like, we can’t hide him out in the grass. Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Look at me.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): What were we supposed to do? Of course we are just going to walk up here. If you just tell Kettle that Xianna is here… You could honestly just say a purple Twi’lek. She’d probably know. Like… I think she’ll want to talk to us.

CAMERON: There’s a shot of the four of us with the grassland behind us. We’ve got someone who’s green, someone who’s purple, a giant white fluffy person, and a red robot. We don’t blend in at all! [giggles]

NICK: The white Twi’lek, Ripper, kind of shrugs and they glance again at Doc.

NICK (as Doc): I’m not saying that you should have snuck in. I agree, that probably wouldn’t have been the best choice. I’m saying that you shouldn’t have come here in the first place. There’s no way you need anything here or that there’s anything interesting going on. We’re just doing some very basic wildlife research.

LILIT (as Xianna): [groaning] Oh my gosh. Like, again, just com Kettle and tell her that Xianna is here.

NICK: Ripper pulls their mask down and smiles. You can see that their teeth are all filed very sharp.

NICK (as Ripper): Nobody interrupts the boss, especially not for some trespassers. We already have orders there.

NICK: And pulls the mask back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh… I don’t want to call her myself, mostly because I don’t remember what her number is. It’s somewhere in my com system, but it would take me a while.

NICK: Doc puts their hand on the butt of their blaster pistol that’s at their hip.

NICK (as Doc): Rip’s right, and the standing orders are to shoot anybody who approaches, so… you’re gonna need to give us one good reason not to follow our orders because I don’t wanna clean blood off my boots. That’s why we’re still talking right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. Do you want some drugs or something?

NICK (as Doc): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Doc): But that’s not necessarily going to make us call Kettle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Okay fine. If I give you some drugs, would you give me like ten minutes to go through my coms and figure out which Geonosian emoji phone number is actually hers?

NICK: Doc and Ripper lock eyes. You can see that their facial expression is changing like they’re having a conversation but their mouths don’t move and their head tails don’t move either. It’s just a silent exchange of eyes. Then Doc looks back at you.

NICK (as Doc): What kind of drugs, exactly?

LILIT: Xianna starts rifling through her pockets.

LILIT (as Xianna): So like, I have some death sticks, I have some impact, I still think I have a single vial of glitterstim. Um… I have a glow stick necklace. Wait, no, you can’t have the glow stick necklace. That’s for Sentinel. Never mind.

NICK (as Doc): Tell you what. We’ll give you Kettle’s com number in exchange for five doses of impact. Eh, six. I don’t want to argue with Ripper again about who gets the extra dose.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, okay fine!

LILIT: Xianna pulls out six baggies and hands them over.

NICK: Ripper moves very quickly and snatches them out of your hand and they disappear into various zippered pockets in a practiced gesture that seems very familiar to you. Doc tosses a little business card of flimsy to you with a practiced two-fingered flick, and you have the com number and you can give Kettle a call.

LILIT: First, Xianna goes through the eight numbers saved in her system that are just the little Geonosian emoji.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: And finds the one that lines up with this number, and just adds a crown emoji.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ah, good move.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, now I will know which one is Kettle.

LILIT: Then she dials up the com number.

NICK: It rings for a long time before it picks up and you just hear a voice respond.

NICK (as Kettle): Go.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kettle, it is Xianna, and we are outside, and it is hot out here, and your two little guard Twi’leks won’t let us in so I had to give them drugs to get your com number because I forgot it. And it’s really hot, and I don’t want to be out here anymore. Can you let us in so we can talk?

NICK (as Kettle): Sorry, who is this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Xianna. You know, the purple Twi’lek. I left you an IOU. Or you gave me an IOU and so then I gave it back to you, because I beat you in Sabacc so I got the IOU but then I gave it back because I think we stole… Did we steal underwear? Is that what we stole?

HUDSON (as Tink): Wasn’t it a coat?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Well, I thought it was once a coat but then it got turned into underwear.

NICK: The com clicks off, like Kettle hung up, and then there’s a long pause and Ripper puts their fingers to their ear on their headset and nods a couple of times, and then looks back to Doc and shrugs again, kind of wide-eyed.

NICK (as Doc): Okay, I guess you’re cleared to talk to the boss. I’m sorry for the delay… People have stumbled in here once again always saying things like “oh, we’re being hunted by strills” or “hey, can we have some water, we’re dying,” and it’s just really inconvenient, so… yeah. I guess follow us?

NICK: They turn and they head into the facility.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

LILIT: Xianna turns around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, it was like underwear, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it was definitely a golden thong.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, that’s what I thought.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think there was also some armor?

LILIT (as Xianna): Was there a half-cape or something?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I think there were two pieces.

NICK (as HK): Extrapolatory Statement: It was called the Heart Breaker Robe and you did not manage to secure it. It was stolen by Illith in the process.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean, we stole it from Kettle and then somebody stole it from us.

NICK: As you walk through, you see that there are a lot of different Star Wars species here. You see several Kaminoans walking around, they’re all in lab coats. You even see a couple of Jawas in white robes wandering around. It looks like they’re working on some of the atmospheric controls of some of these prefab buildings.

Ripper and Doc lead you into the largest building. You can see a huge marble entryway with a gigantic animal skeleton perched in the middle and there’s a spiral staircase wrapping around the room up behind it. There’s a very large banner that proclaims Welcome in jagged letters. The two Twi’leks don’t even register the scene, they’re just walking past that room and into a well-appointed office.

It has floor to ceiling windows that look out across the grasslands. You can see some strills hunting small rodents through the grasses in the far distance. The glass of the window has holo screens in it that zoom in on animal life, so you can always see really well what’s going on at pretty much any distance in that direction.

Seated behind the desk you see a Geonosian. Her wings are slightly shredded as they sit over the back of the chair. Her face and shoulders are scarred, and she is holding a pen and writing on the data pad on top of this desk, and looks up as you come in.

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, it’s the entire crew. Isn’t that fun? Doc, Ripper, you can go ahead and go back to your post in case we get any other visitors today. Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, bye!

NICK: For the first time, you see Doc and Ripper looking respectful and a little afraid, and they both give a slight bow and back out of the room. The door slides shut behind them, and you are alone with Kettle, the Queen of the Underworld, ruler of an entire criminal organization and all-around scary lady.

HUDSON (as Tink): Could I get a sparkling water? I’m parched.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Tink. You have to like wait for them to ask first.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sorry. Sorry, I’ll wait.

NICK (as Kettle): Tink, can I get you a sparkling water?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: Without breaking eye contact, she hits a button on her desk and an astromech droid tootles in. It has one of those serving platters on top of its head and a bunch of empty glasses. As it gets close to you it tootles and then a spray of water goes into one of the glasses and its head rotates to put it close to you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as Kettle): You’re very welcome. Does anyone else want anything?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m good. Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m okay. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, what about you?

NICK (as HK): I do not consume liquids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: Kettle sits back in her chair and steeples her fingers on the arms of this… it’s one of those round captain’s chairs with the low backs with the ladder backing and the wide armrests. She steeples her fingers together and she says:

NICK (as Kettle): Great. I’m glad everyone’s comfortable, because that means that now I can ask… what kind of balls do you have to have to walk into my base of operations having stolen from me?!

NICK: She’s just glaring daggers at Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I didn’t actually steal from you, because you gave me an IOU and then I used that IOU when we attempted to steal the thong, the underwear.

NICK (as Kettle): I think you are vastly overestimating the value of an IOU for a game of Sabacc I lost on purpose.

LILIT (as Xianna): It was some underwear. You know? It was fine.

NICK (as Kettle): If it wasn’t bad enough that robe had been destroyed by a fashion conglomerate, I don’t even have it anymore. My entire facility that was going to be a huge front for money laundering by being a tourist attraction didn’t have anything because you destroyed my robotic guardians and got rid of the artifact the entire thing was based around. Do you know how many millions of credits I lost on that?

NICK: You can see that she’s tapping her fingers impatiently on her desk and that there are several buttons on the desk besides the one that summon the astromech. Her finger keeps lightly touching a red one specifically, and you can see she’s thinking better of it, but she keeps almost pressing it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look, I’m sure we can work something out, but you know, it was business and we were told we had to go steal that one. I mean, we were supposed to steal it before anybody bought it, so like oopsie-doopsie, that is our bad.

NICK (as Kettle): Oopsie-doopsie indeed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. So like, I very much apologize for that one. However, you now have something else we are supposed to come here to get, because like, we’re not supposed to “talk” about these things, but we are working with somebody who used to be in some sort of Force-type cult that you know was like central to the galaxy and like had forces and then were like destroyed…

HUDSON (as Tink): Rhymes with Shredi.

LILIT (as Xianna): And now they’re kind of working against the Empire, and we are supposed to collect objects that are important because somebody else is trying to collect them and use them for evil. We’re trying to get them to take down the Empire?

LILIT: Turns to Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is that right?

CAMERON: Karma has been standing there. She’s got her carbine in front of her and has her arms crossed, like leaning on top of the carbine, and has just been picking at her nails.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is about accurate, yes.

NICK (as Kettle): So you found a Jedi remnant who’s attempting to use the Shattered Force to destroy the Emperor, and you’ve been their errand people?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes, that exactly.

CAMERON (as Karma): See? That was a very good explanation. She got it right away.

NICK (as Kettle): Eh, she danced around it a little bit, which I understand considering how powerful these artifacts are. But what brings you here? You already stole the Heart Breaker Robe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well—

NICK (as Kettle): Whether or not you can hold onto it is your problem, not mine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay… So yeah, somebody did steal it from us. We hadn’t even left the planet, so if you really think about it, “did we” actually steal it? Because they were just going to steal it anyways, so like, it was going to get stolen even if I didn’t personally take it out of the little display case.

NICK (as Kettle): You’re of course referring to Illith Utena Hatake, known fashion thief and overall heartthrob.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, them.

NICK (as Kettle): Hmm.

NICK: Kettle stands up from the chair and turns around, like bad guy style, with her arms clasped behind her back and looks out the window. You can see that she’s actually wearing a blue and gold cape that looks very familiar to you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… okay. Did you get it back from them?

NICK (as Kettle): For all you know, this could be a replica.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s probably not. I’m just going to assume.

NICK (as Kettle): No… No, it’s probably not.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m glad you got it back. We would have given it back to you, we just kind of need to borrow it for whatever reason. I don’t know, the Force shit. So like… you know, in a way it worked itself out. The Force works in mysterious ways.

NICK (as Kettle): So I’ve been told…

NICK: She turns back around but doesn’t sit back down in her chair. You can see she’s thinking.

NICK (as Kettle): So here’s the part of your plan that doesn’t make sense to me. How were you planning on getting this artifact from me, or any others that I might have? I’m obviously not going to give them up.

LILIT (as Xianna): We were going to ask nicely and maybe offer to do some sort of job in exchange. You know, a quid pro quo? Is that the term?

NICK (as Kettle): It would have to be one hell of a job.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second, though. Kettle. Kettle… What is it that you want more than anything in the entire world that you don’t have?

NICK (as Kettle): For life to be restored to my planet that was destroyed by the Empire to cover up the conspiracy of the Clone Wars.

[brief but heavy pause]

LILIT (as Xianna): And you know, Kettle, if we destroy the Empire, then that would be a step towards, you know, restoring your planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Or what if we go to the planet—Wait. So wait, when you say it was destroyed, like, is there any left?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it wasn’t like an Alderaan situation.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, that’s what I was asking. If there’s anything left, we make it into the greatest memorial slash museum you’ve ever seen, and I’ve built a few of those.

NICK (as Kettle): Wow.

HUDSON: I wink at everyone.

NICK (as Kettle): I didn’t know it was possible for me, a heartless crime lord, to be genuinely offended by a suggestion, but that really did it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… shush, no talk.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay…

LILIT: Xianna turns back.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, because again, if we destroy the Empire then that would be a step towards restoring your planet, and we could do a job for you that would help in that process or something, and… we could, like steal credits for you or something from the Empire. You know… I don’t know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Kettle, are you single?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t like where this question is gonna lead.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, stop asking people if they are single!

NICK (as Kettle): For the sake of curiosity, yes Tink, I am single. Why do you ask?

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we could play match maker and find the love of your life?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, no.

NICK (as Kettle): No-no, let’s see where he’s going with this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wouldn’t that just mean the world to you? Like, more so than any artifact that you could be just holding, you know, around your neck or on your back.

NICK (as Kettle): Hmm… Do you have an option readily in mind?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… So, I have options, yes, however I would need a sidebar so I can consult with the rest of my crewmates to get the list down to three.

NICK (as HK): Concerned Statement: Tink, this does not make any sense in a high-stakes negotiation. I am concerned that we are going to die. Tink, why are you doing this?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I would much rather risk our lives doing a very high-stakes heist or like murder somebody than try to do this.

NICK (as Kettle): No-no-no, I would love to hear what nice people Tink thinks are romantically compatible with me. Take your time, I’ll wait.

NICK: Kettle sits back in her chair.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna pulls everyone for a huddle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, what the kriff? Who are you thinking of?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright y’all, the only person I can think of is Donny Donaldson.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… What?

LILIT (as Xianna): The hole guy? That fills the holes?

HUDSON (as Tink): The what?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hole.

LILIT (as Xianna): The holes, in the ground.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, the holes. I thought you said the old guy.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. I mean, I also don’t know how old Donny Donaldson is.

NICK (as HK): Suggestive Statement: Maybe Kettle just needs a hole filled. Wink, wink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh HK…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh, please don’t say that any louder, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, that is inappropriate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, who else do we know who’s single and ready to—[gasps] Wait!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. So I know that they said they were gonna wait outside the danger area for us, but what if we brought in Mills?

CAMERON: [laughs loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if… Is Mills single?

HUDSON (as Tink): Mills is definitely single. There’s no ring.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Is Val single? She seems spunky enough to date a crime lord.

NICK (as HK): Val really strikes me as someone with a tragic romantic backstory who is maybe not ready for another commitment.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well that’s fair. I don’t know, my mind keeps saying Sentinel and I feel like that’s not appropriate either.

NICK (as HK): Karma, your two twin boys, Jet and Juke, are they single?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I think Juke is?

NICK (as HK): You should call him on the com and see if he is interested in getting into a romantic relationship with Kettle, Queen of the Underworld.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. We should maybe figure out what Kettle’s whole deal is. Like, does she like younger people? Does she like older people? Humanoids? Non-humanoids? Is there a gender preference there?

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like we’re missing some necessary information to be making this finalist list for you, Tink.

LILIT: Xianna pops her head up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kettle, do you like younger people or older people?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, I’m not picky.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. How many legs and arms do they need to have? Like, are you okay with a bunch of arms or do you want to stick with just a few? What are you looking for?

NICK (as Kettle): I tend to prefer two legs, but number of arms is negotiable.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Would you rather them be lucky or hot?

NICK (as Kettle): It has to be both or no deal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. Are we working with any gender preferences?

NICK (as Kettle): Nope.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. I mean, I know Val maybe has a tragic backstory, but again, I feel like she’s the only one. Maybe Mills. So we put Val and Mills on the list.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because like, this could be a rebound for Val, you know? They don’t have to stay together long-term.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s good. That’s good. When I said three, I can just come in really excited and say well, I said top three, but fortunately for you we’ve actually narrowed it down to two, like it’s better.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

NICK (as Kettle): I’m waiting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, we’re gonna go with that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We gotta know somebody else.


NICK: You all know so many people!

CAMERON (as Karma): You know Tink, you’re just gonna have to pick the third person on the fly. Ready, set, go. Alright, Tink is ready to give you your options, Kettle.

NICK (as Kettle): Great. Tink, come a little bit closer to the desk, you four, so I can hear you. I hate shouting across the room like this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. We have a magnificent list of three finalists for you today, Kettle. Are you excited? Tell me you’re excited.

NICK (as Kettle): [flatly] I’m… excited.

HUDSON (as Tink): First up on our list we have Mills! Mills is a very strong and powerful, um… warrior. Help me out, guys.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are Human. Yes, Mills is a soldier, warrior, now doing the whole Mandalorian thing. He’s got the armor and everything. Very strong. Could carry you on his shoulders. You know, very romantic.

CAMERON (as Karma): Loves animals. Hates trees.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): He’s already here on the planet, so there would be no long-distance problems.

NICK (as Kettle): Alright, that’s intriguing. Intriguing. What else you got?

HUDSON (as Tink): Next up we have Valorissia. Goes by Val for short. I’ll let Xianna take it away.

LILIT (as Xianna): This one is also Human. She once beat up Tink in a bar fight. She’s sassy. She likes explosions. You know, so I think that would be a good match.

CAMERON (as Karma): Brilliant engineer.

NICK (as Kettle): Okay… I feel like we’re honing in on something. They don’t have a tragic but as-yet-unrevealed backstory with romance, do they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, they 100% do.

LILIT (as Xianna): No idea. I can’t say that for sure.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait-wait-wait. We’re not gonna answer it until you say if you like it or not. Do you like that or do you don’t like that?

NICK (as Kettle): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, is that interesting to you? Do you feel like you could, uh, nurse them back to health kind of a thing?

CAMERON (as Karma): Are you compelled by that backstory?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Do you feel like you can be the one to rehabilitate them into love?

NICK (as Kettle): You know, maybe I could help them emotionally to find out where they go from there. You know? Okay. Okay, so not discounting because of the tragic potential backstory. Who do you have for number three?

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] Yeah Tink, who do we have for number three?

HUDSON (as Tink): Number three is kind of a wildcard if you’re into that sort of thing. Number three is a creature known as Web-Web.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh wow.

NICK (as Kettle): What is a Web-Web?

HUDSON (as Tink): Web-Web is an acrobat. HK, take it away.

NICK (as HK): Forced Character Description: Web-Web is a blue Gungan with shining red eyes. They are very deadly with kukri vibro-blades and are acrobatic. Tink has carried them on his shoulders multiple times. They appear to enjoy chaos, violence, murder, and long walks on the beach. End of forced character description.

NICK (as Kettle): Well, I have to say, you’ve certainly given me a diverse crowd to consider for romance in exchange for unbelievable galactic power through Force artifacts. I do have another one, by the way.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Romance option or artifact?

NICK (as Kettle): Oh, Force artifact, part of the Shattered Force. I have the Bone Breaker. It’s a staff that has the ability to destroy things with single swings. It’s a very powerful weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dang.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that sounds very nifty.

NICK (as Kettle): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we need to like introduce another contestant?

NICK (as Kettle): No, I’m fine with you knowing that because you’re probably going to die in the next ten minutes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so what if we are able to get everybody here and we do like little blind dates?

NICK (as Kettle): I’ll tell you what. Because I’m fun, I’m a fun crime lord—

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK (as Kettle): If you manage to live through what I’m about to do to you, and you are able to get them all in one place seated at the same table, I would love to do that. And, I would probably give you a wild prize if you were successful in finding somebody for me to be romantically entangled with.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can like have you ask questions and then each one can give a response and you don’t see who it is. Ooh, we can use like a voice modulator, and then you can guess at the end who is who and pick them, and then you can go on little dates with them and you can vote one off first so then there’s just down to two, and you can go on longer dates with them, and you can give one of them a rose or something…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! I already have questions prepared in my head. On your first date, do you smooch? And when you smooch, how much tongue is in there, like in inches? That’s cute, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): [disgusted] Oh… hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, or like, what do you do for Life Day? You know, like do you have to go to your own parents’ house for Life Day or do you want to start a new tradition and have Life Day just between the two of you? What is the other cultural and religious holidays that you celebrate?

CAMERON (as Karma): Describe the perfect date.

NICK (as HK): Supplying date show question. If I was an ice cream cone, what would you do to me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh, no.


LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, that is a valid question.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK! Ugh…

NICK (as Kettle): Well, you’ve definitely given me something to think about. Like I said, if you manage to survive… be thinking about that, if not, at least I have their names and I can look them up. This has been fun, but… bye now.

NICK: She reaches and she presses that red button and the floor falls out from under you, and you go sliding down this chute into this large arena with loose dirt. A bunch of lights turn on and you see empty sports stands lining it. There’s a ray shield going from the ceiling down to the edge of the stands. So really, the only thing that you have in this area is a large sandy pit with a very, very big durasteel grating on one side.

An announcer’s voice crackles over a PA system. As the lights ping on, all of the stands are empty, there’s no one there. Up towards the top there’s what looks like a press box that some lights turn on in and you can see a wall of Kettle’s office has slid up so that she can see. A couple of scientists approach and are taking notes, and an announcer’s voice starts to come over the PA system.

NICK (as announcer): Hello guests, and welcome to Mandalore Park. We hope that you’ve enjoyed the tours and displays of our new sand facility. We thank you for taking the time to visit our wonderful location.

For what you have all been waiting for, with careful technological advances in cloning technology, our scientists at Mandalore Park have been able to resurrect a creature long extinct. This creature once roamed the grasslands of Mandalore, a terror to strills, shriek hawks, and stathas as they stomped and destroyed, eating their way across the planet. And now, one has returned to the realm of the living. Observe, the mighty and terrifying mythosaur!

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] yes~!

NICK: The grate slides up slowly, and standing behind this gate is a four-legged long-tailed scaled carnivore with a ridged back, various horns swooped back from its skull, and two large horns like massive mandibles curving towards its mouth. It’s teeth must be at least as long as your arm. It gives forth a terrifying and bone-rattling roar.

LILIT: Xianna’s standing off to the side, blaster in one hand, and in the other hand she holds up—

LILIT (as Xianna): Nobody panic! I have a grenade!


NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 34:
Safari Weekend

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 34! You know, Episode 34 rules. I feel like it rules really well, Episode 34. Uh… just a good time.

LILIT: Are you implying that our listeners should google Rule 34 to see how much 34 rules?

NICK: [gulps] Yeah, um… just 34 rules.

LILIT: Wanna learn more about it? Search “Rule 34 Sonic,” because we all know Sonic, the fast food chain, is a great place to get afternoon drinks.

CAMERON: America’s drive-in.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: They are America’s drive-in. Please, nobody do these Google Searches.


NICK: I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who they are and who they’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I am already regretful about saying the phrase Rule 34 Sonic. I apologize and I see the error of my way.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. If you enjoyed this Rule 34–based episode of Tabletop Squadron, you might also enjoy Golden Girls inflation porn.


LILIT: There’s no joke there! There’s no joke. There’s no subtlety. No mastery of the craft.

NICK: But he did just put that image in my head.

CAMERON: He’s got the shock value down, though.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON: Yeah, it was really just for the shock value. There was no craft or nuance to that.

LILIT: We’re gonna have to put so many warnings on this episode.

NICK: No, shock value is a different kind of porn. Uh…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I would like you to know that not only did Nick forget which episode number this was, he also initially forgot that we needed to record an intro for it, so it’s just going great so far.

NICK: It’s been… It’s been a time. I feel like our listeners can relate to it being “a time.”

CAMERON: Has it been a Thursday for you, Nick?

NICK: Yeah, it’s just really been a Thursday. Before we get started with the episode [laughs], let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: Two light side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: One light side.


NICK: Last time, you all settled on Mandalore. You were here. You had been sent there by some sort of strange disembodied voice that gave Tink a hunch that he needed to go to Mandalore to find the items that they seek. You met up with an apparently Force-sensitive red Nautolan named Nyx who tried to give you the information you wanted and you gave him a very difficult time but eventually got the basics that you needed. Then, rather than act on that information, you decided instead to visit Tink’s parents, Rhonda and Mossie, who are just great people and also stage magicians. Am I forgetting anything?

HUDSON: I had a moment of emotional growth when I learned that I don’t need to be upset about past spaghetti-related incidents and that I can grow from that.

CAMERON: No upsetti spaghetti.

HUDSON: No upsetti spaghetti.

NICK: That’s very true. So, let’s go ahead and get into it.


NICK: We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight seated around a coffee table in a comfortable living room. There are a lot of doilies and there are a lot of what look like props for magic tricks. The crew is munching on a few snacks, talking, chatting, and laughing. Next we wipe to see the crew leaving, walking through a manicured yard. Rhonda and Mossie, Tink’s parents, stop you in the yard to give you the snacks that they promised. What snacks do they give you?

LILIT: It is a stack of tupperware filled with spaghetti.

NICK: Wow. That’s a comprehensive snack.

LILIT: It’s a very big stack of tupperware. It’s like those big, you know, seven-cup tupperwares.

NICK: Oh wow, yeah. You climb into a local taxi and cross the Mandalorian suburbs. We see you enter an area that looks like half cattle pasture and half industrial yard. In the distance you can see the rolling plains of the Mandalore Wilds and the last vestiges of the city.

There are open docks along the plains. You can see places where speeders have been parked and departed outlined in dirt and dead grass. A small wooden stand with a sliding window stands among the empty births, and you can see a bored-looking Human wearing a wide-brim hat seated behind the window flipping through a holo-magazine.

The taxi driver takes your credits and kicks you out here saying he won’t go any further into the wilderness, and you are standing here in what looks essentially like an empty parking lot with an attendant. You had asked to be brought somewhere where you could get a ride, and this is where you find yourselves. What do you do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hello sir. We are seeking passage.

NICK: The attendant slides the window back with a creek. You can hear bits of dust and grass stuck in the sliders. He leans forward and says:

NICK (as attendant): Sorry about that. I missed that. What? What’s going on? What do you need?

HUDSON (as Tink): We would like passage.

NICK: He pushes his hat back on his head.

NICK (as attendant): Well uh… I’m afraid all the safari barges have already left for the day. You’ll have to try and make a reservation for some time next week I’m afraid.

NICK: Then he slides the window shut and goes back to his magazine.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… um. Xianna, Karma, the person in the booth said that there are no more ways to get to the jungle until next week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Did you try asking a second time?

HUDSON: I knock on the window, once again.

NICK: He sighs so loudly you can hear it through the window, grinds the window open and says:

NICK (as attendant): Now don’t tell me you’re about to ask for a second time like that’s gonna change my answer.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Xianna! Karma!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think we need a different strategy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello. So, I heard that there are no more trips today and you don’t have availability until next week. Are there any other options that exist for getting out there?

NICK: He pushes his hat back further on his head with one finger. At this point it’s seated very far back on his head. He looks you up and down, Karma, and smiles real wide.

NICK (as attendant): Well ma’am, it sure is nice to see you, but there is nobody you would want to ride with out into the wilderness. The only people who can go out that way have to be certified. Only safaris are allowed out there. You have to have a special speeder and they’re all gone. They already took their trips out and most of them aren’t due back for at least a week.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are there any people we wouldn’t want to go out there with?

NICK: He looks at his magazine longingly as this conversation goes on and slowly shakes his head.

NICK (as attendant): [exhales] Technically yeah, we’ve got… there is one guy, but I don’t think you’re gonna like him that much. He’s really weird. He doesn’t even take payment.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is he certified?

NICK (as attendant): He does have a certified speeder. Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where can we find him?

NICK (as attendant): Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. He’s all the way down at the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Which direction?

NICK (as attendant): Uh, it’ll be down that way.

NICK: He sticks his head out the window and points down the line. You can see a large fuel tank that’s been obscuring the last part of this flattened area. It looks like it’s next to a burned out warehouse.

NICK (as attendant): It’s down past the fuel tank if you head that way.

NICK: He tosses the magazine over and pulls up a clipboard.

NICK (as attendant): If you’re gonna try and talk to him, these are waivers I’m gonna need you to sign ahead of time that shows that Mandalorian Safari Company is not responsible for any injury or death that may result as a result of the negotiation process or the safari thereafter should you be successful.

NICK: He slides some pages of flimsy over.

CAMERON: Karma starts signing it and dating it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would you please expand on the description of “weird?”

NICK (as attendant): Uh… [exhales] He’s just real traditional. I think you’ll understand it a little better when you get to him. You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like traditional Mandalorian warrior?

NICK: He puts his finger on his nose and then points at you, like you got it in one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. The being hurt in negotiations is what gave that away.

NICK (as attendant): Yeah. You must have worked with them before. Are you a bounty hunter?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

NICK (as attendant): Alright. Well sweetness, you have fun with that. You should be able to talk to him as a representative of the group, but I will need waivers for everybody. So uh, big guy over there, if you could sign, and the Twi’lek lady, if you could sign please, it would be much appreciated.

CAMERON: Karma hands the pen off.

LILIT: Xianna absolutely signs a different name.

HUDSON: I take the pen and as I’m signing I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): So, you say this person’s weird. Well, we know a lot of weird people, and between us we know a lot of people in general, so we probably already know them.

NICK: As you’re signing this, Tink, make me a Knowledge (Education) roll, please, with your “legal” background.


NICK: This will be at average difficulty.

HUDSON: Three successes.

NICK: Taking a look at this waiver, it protects this company from liability to an absurd degree. On most planets you would think that it would invalidate the waiver in the first place. Like, for anything: act of God… basically they’re free of liability and the drivers of these places are free of liability even if they’re just to turn and attack their clients, although there’s a subsection saying that would result in the people being fired. You would know with your background that this would hold up in a Mandalorian tribunal but pretty much anywhere else in the galaxy it absolutely wouldn’t. It’s ridiculous.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm. This looks a little bit… This is an intense document you got here, but you know, you look trustworthy.

NICK (as attendant): What, are you some kind of lawyer? Sign it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am a lawyer, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): No you are not, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] No, I am.

LILIT (as Xianna): Stop saying you are a lawyer. You are not.

NICK (as attendant): That’s gonna be a 50 Credit lawyer fee as well, and I also need you to sign this.

NICK: He hands over another piece of paper.

HUDSON: What does the piece of paper say?

NICK: This one is just an invoice for “agreed to allow lawyer to apply for safari.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I mean, it checks out.

HUDSON: So I sign the lawyer invoice and the waiver.


HUDSON (as Tink): You know why they call it a waiver?

NICK (as attendant): Uh… because you’re waiving your rights?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, because I’m waving goodbye. It was good meting you!

NICK: He chuckles and takes back all of the clipboards and slides the window shut, and before you’ve made it to the path that goes down all of these speeder births you can see he already has his feet up on the desk and is flipping through this holo-magazine again.


NICK: So you walk around this dirt trail. This whole area is kind of the same trampled down grass and dirt of a fairground or something like that, but it has raised concrete slabs in different places to show parking spaces and things like that. It’s very much a converted industrial place.

As you walk around this gas tank you see a speeder that looks rugged but beat all to hell. You don’t know what color it was originally. It’s all just rust and patches of bare metal. Several panels are missing and you can see the workings underneath. There are curved skids that extend down below, which normally you know is to allow for any changes in elevation so that you don’t bottom out with the speeder, but these look like they’ve been used to catch the entire speeder’s weight multiple times, like the engines have burned out.

Sitting on the back of this speeder is a man in full Mandalorian armor, helmet affixed, cape blowing dramatically in the breeze, a large vibro-spear buried in the dirt at his feet. He has a vibro-knife and is whittling away at a piece of bone making some sort of trinket. Even though he doesn’t stop whittling or appear to look at you, you can feel his eyes on you as you approach.

CAMERON: Karma’s checking out his armor.

NICK: It looks like traditional Mandalorian armor. You can’t tell just by looking at it, because it’s painted, whether or not it’s actual beskar, but it’s in the right cut. It’s a breastplate, gauntlets, helmet, the whole nine yards.

CAMERON: What’s the color pallet looking like?

NICK: It’s like a jungle camo, so it’s like dark green and brown and blacks. It should be noted, that doesn’t blend in very well here. These are all golden grasses and brown dirt. But it doesn’t show any clan crests or anything on it. He continues to whittle away, not breaking the silence.

CAMERON: Karma stops probably a good six to ten feet away from him.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good afternoon.

NICK: You get the helmet panning up to look at you. The knife stops for a minute. A slow nod, and then the head goes back down and goes back to whittling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nice speeder you got there. What’s her name?

NICK: The helmet looks up to Karma, pans a couple of degrees over to Tink. Tink, you can feel the appraising look. You hear a distorted voice come from the helmet.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Aspen.

NICK: And then goes back down, and he goes back to whittling.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is it called Aspen?

NICK: The Mandalorian takes the trinket that he’s whittling and throws it down into the sand at his feet. There’s a point on it and it sticks into the dirt. Nonchalantly he sheathes his vibro-knife, pulls the spear out of the ground, spins it with a flourish planting the butt of the spear next to his feet as he stands to his full height. Which, you see now e’s not actually that tall. He’s maybe 5’6”, 5’7”, but looks very strong even under the armor. And looks up at you, Tink, and says:

NICK (as Mandalorian): What do you want?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’d like to go on a safari.

NICK (as Mandalorian): [hardy sarcastic laugh] It’s not that easy.

NICK: The helmeted head turns to Karma and to Xianna as well.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Four passengers… I’m your only ride. It doesn’t matter if you have money. That’s not how you would pay for a journey into the Mandalorian wilderness.

LILIT (as Xianna): How would we pay for a ride? Do you want drugs? Because we have drugs. I don’t know if that will work.

NICK (as Mandalorian): The only way you’re getting on Aspen and earning me as a guide is to follow the traditional Mandalorian rite of combat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Egh… you are weird.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it a fight to the death?

NICK: His hand that’s not on the spear makes a “what are you talking about” gesture.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Some guide I would be if I killed people who wanted a ride. No, you just have to make me feel the joy of combat like I used to.

NICK: And the helmet turns a little and stares far into the distance.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! Which of you is going to fight this weirdo? It’s certainly not going to be me. It needs to be one of you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is HK excluded?

LILIT (as Xianna): Because HK would just kill him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not necessarily.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, would you just straight up murder this man?

NICK (as HK): De Facto Statement: I have been targeting a micro-missile at this man’s carotid artery since we began conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. HK, stand down.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed Sigh: Sigh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you. What are the rules of engagement?

NICK (as Mandalorian): We fight until one person is left standing or someone surrenders. If you kill your opponent, you lose.

CAMERON (as Karma): What weapons?

NICK (as Mandalorian): I choose my spear. No guns.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you have to interact or battle each other with weapons you choose and you gotta tease them a bit but they can’t die. You just gotta violently tease them.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, this sounds kind of like it might be some sort of sex thing.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Do you want a lift into the wilderness or not? Do you want to see the noble Fanned Rawl or not?

LILIT (as Xianna): That didn’t answer my question.

NICK (as Mandalorian): You’re detracting from the noble rite of combat of the Mandalorian people.

LILIT (as Xianna): So it is a kink.

NICK: The Mandalorian does not move. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so it is. Karma, Tink, which one of you is going to fight this weirdo?

NICK: [cackles]

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] Tink, how much armor do you have?

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my backpack.

CAMERON (as Karma): [dismissive] Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): And I have a lot of heart.

CAMERON (as Karma): You do. That is true. I don’t know how much armor that really provides in combat, though.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Choose your warrior. Time is wasting.

NICK: He does a kata with the spear where he goes to stab into the air and then do a retraction and then takes a pose with one leg extended and one hand holding the spear forward.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, you know, looking at the past, I’ve taken a few battles for the team. If I recall, I was in some fight where you won money, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, I did.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): And that was very public and very damaging to me. I think it’s someone else’s turn.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty.

CAMERON: Karma detaches her carbine from its strap and hands it to HK.

NICK: HK takes it and holds it lovingly.

NICK (as HK): This weapon has killed so many organics.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps]

CAMERON: Uh… [giggles]

CAMERON (as Karma): It is on stun right now, HK. Be aware.

NICK (as HK): That is easily rectified.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can’t you use HK as a weapon? They did say any weapon of your choosing.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think HK counts as a gun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK (as HK): I am an Imperial-registered firearm.

CAMERON: [laughs] Karma draws her sword.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where does the battle take place? Do we got a stadium or like an arena? Is there stands? Is there popcorn?

NICK (as Mandalorian): A true battle takes place when you least expect it.


NICK: He lunges at Karma, and I need you to roll Vigilance.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie. Three successes and an advantage.

NICK: Okie-dokie. Can you roll me three yellows, please?

CAMERON: Three successes, three advantages.

NICK: Alright. Y’all almost go at the same time. He lunges forward at you, and you’re expecting it, you could tell from the way he set himself, but he still moves faster than you thought would be possible in this heavy armor. Maybe it really is beskar. He lunges at you to attack. You can see a golden shimmer on this spear as he stabs at you with near-perfect form. Can you roll me three yellows again, please? With two purple, it’s just a normal Melee attack.

CAMERON: And two black for my Defense.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: Three successes, a triumph, and three threats.

NICK: Okay. So, he makes contact with the chest of your armor. The spear doesn’t go through, but you still feel the impact as a shock pulse comes from the spear. You take 9 stun damage, Pierce 2, and go ahead and roll me a crit as you feel something hit you even harder than expected.


LILIT: A 48 is Head Ringer. Increase difficulty to Intellect and Cunning checks until the end of the encounter.

NICK: Okay. So you do have a crit on you, so that will increase further crits. The shock appears to be conducted by your armor and goes up into your head, and you can feel your mind buzzing, and your vision clouds a little. He assumes a defensive posture, and it’s your turn.

CAMERON: Karma is very upset that her sea creature scales somehow conduct electricity. It’s very rude.

NICK: Maybe it’s a special spear.

CAMERON: Two successes, a triumph, and four advantages.

NICK: Okay, so how much damage is that?

CAMERON: That is 8 damage, Pierce 2, and I can crit five times.


CAMERON: My sword is Crit 1, and I have a triumph and 4 advantages.

NICK: Okay, so it’ll be +40 on your crit.

CAMERON: Plus another 40.

NICK: If you choose to use those all for critting.

CAMERON: Okay then, sure, let’s do +80! A 22, +80! Oh no, wait, sorry. It’s another +10. My sword is Vicious. [laughs] So it’s +90, so 112?

LILIT: A 112, Temporarily Incapacitated. Cannot perform more than one maneuver per turn until injury is healed.

NICK: Describe how, after this guy lunges at you and stabs you, shocking the bejesus out of you, how do you stop him in one swing?

CAMERON: I think Karma uses his momentum coming towards her and kind of going off slightly to the side, since it didn’t puncture her chest plate, to then bring her arm around and she just smacks him on top of the head with the hilt of her sword and it makes a really loud bell ringing noise in his helmet, and he falls down.

NICK: He falls… Oh yeah, because he did have three threats. So, he falls prone. [dramatic bass noise] You can see the dust making wave patterns below him from the vibration of his helmet. He reaches as though he’s going to push himself back up and then falls flat again and drops the spear and holds up a hand.

NICK (as Mandalorian): Wait… Wait. You have bested me, in a single blow.

NICK: He lifts the helmet off and you see long dark hair and a really angular scarred face.

NICK (as Mandalorian): I haven’t had my ass kicked that bad since the last time I saw a tree that wanted to kill me. It’s been a long time, Karma. You’ve gotten a lot stronger.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Oh shit! Mills!

NICK: And you’re looking at Mills, the former guide from Unroola Dawn, the security officer from the secret space station that you stole, and now your guide into the wilderness on safari. He holds out a hand to be helped back up as blood trickles out of one ear.

CAMERON: Karma helps him back up.

NICK (as Mills): That was one heck of a swing. Tink, Xianna, it’s good to see you. It’s been so long.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Why did you not say hi to us earlier?

NICK (as Mills): I… I was… This is my new life. The last two times I’ve met you I’ve had to leave a planet. I was hoping to just do the job and move on, but if you had to go somewhere else I could’ve continued to do this. Now that you’ve beaten me, I’m honor bound to help you, by Mandalorian creed, which I now follow.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so… there was an attendant back there that we paid money to and signed contracts with named Rocco or something. I said “we might actually know this person because we know a lot of weirdos.”

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Everyone just brushed me off, and it turns out we know you.

NICK (as Mills): You’re a smart guy, Tink. I’ve always thought you had sort of a sixth sense for that kind of thing. I’ve always been very impressed by you. Your, uh… Your group should really respect you more, really listen to your advice.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you~ Can we do like a voting out a member of the crew thing and then get this person in?

NICK (as HK): Indignant Statement: If you vote me out, I know all your secrets, I will expose them to the galaxy. Do not get rid of me.

LILIT (as Xianna): I vote we get rid of Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… Tink, buddy, you really can’t be the one to suggest voting out people from the group. That’s not… [sighs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I retract my statement. We must add an additional member that we will debate after… the safari!

NICK (as Mills): So you wanted to go out on a safari. The wastes of Mandalore are not for the weak of heart. I hope you’re prepared.

HUDSON (as Tink): I would love to see animals.

CAMERON (as Karma): We survived the trees.

NICK: He gives a shrill whistle, smiling at you, Karma, as you mention the trees. You see what looks like a six-legged headless dog with a rat tail and giant horrifying teeth come bounding from somewhere in the shade where it was lying still, where you didn’t notice it before. It pants broadly, and Mills pets at its head and then pulls his hand back as it tries to nip at him.

NICK (as Mills): Alright Balthazar, we’ve got some clients. Hop on up, it’s time to go.

NICK: This weird creature does this gangly six-legged jump and sits in the passenger seat. This thing kinda looks like an airboat but piloted from the front, so the driver seat and the passenger seat are down low and there’s like a stepped seating that goes up so that other passengers can sit up high near the engines but can see further.

NICK (as Mills): Balthazar’s a strill. It’s native to here. Think of it as a terrifying and deadly companion that will sometimes help you if you feed it.

HUDSON (as Tink): How offended would you be if I called that thing very ugly?

NICK (as Mills): How offended would you be if I called you very ugly?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m very sensitive. I don’t think that thing cares what I call it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t just call other people’s pets ugly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s a pet?

NICK (as Mills): Balthazar is a handsome boy, yes he is.

NICK: And it’s drooling like a spider web of drool between all the teeth, and you realize that part of the missing paint on this speeder appears to be from the drool as it melts through a little bit more of the side of the speeder where it’s standing there panting. Mills ruffles its… where its ears would be—it doesn’t really have ears—and this thing again tries to take a nasty snarling bite out of his hand, but it also does a panting smile at him.

NICK (as Mills): So yeah, hop on up. Mandalore doesn’t really have any trees to worry about. It’s mostly scrubland like this, so we should be perfectly safe, but if not… you have your weapons. I know you can handle yourselves in a fight.

NICK: He rubs at the back of his head kind of ruefully and wipes some of the blood away from his ear and smiles at Karma in a friendly manner.

NICK (as Mills): I’m thinking I’ve got supplies for a few days. If you all want to go deep out into the wilderness, we could really make a show of the safari thing. How does that sound?

CAMERON: Karma takes her carbine back from HK and rehooks it on.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds good to me!

CAMERON (as Karma): So, we are safariing with a mission.

NICK (as Mills): Well, everybody has a mission to see the glorious wildlife of Mandalore when they’re on a safari, especially with me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also that. We have been directed to go deep into the center of the wilderness.

NICK (as Mills): Well…

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re looking for a gangster friend.

NICK (as Mills): I don’t know anything about that, but I do know that I can show you all of the best animals. I have their prime watering holes. I’ve got exactly where they like to feed. It’s the perfect season for it. The stathas should be looking for mates right now so their coloration will be really nice. We can go way out there. I guarantee that you will hear at least one shriek hawk while you’re out there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, a shriek hawk!

NICK (as Mills): So we’ll head out there. The entire thing until the next city is probably only three or four days across. Normally I go about one or two days in. We’ve got plenty of supplies for that and a return trip. So, if you see anything interesting, whatever you’re out here to see, you can guide us in that direction and that should be fine. Although, I can’t guarantee the shriek hawk if we don’t keep to my guaranteed guide route.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is fair. Also, we brought spaghetti.

NICK (as Mills): Awesome!

NICK: So, do you all climb up into the speeder?


HUDSON (as Tink): I call shotgun—top!

NICK: You say you call shotgun and Balthazar the strill’s head whips around and growls at you, and all you can see are massive teeth the size of its head and spit flying everywhere. It just stares you down, growling.

HUDSON (as Tink): I meant, um… I call back seats.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think we will sit in the back seat. That may be for the best.

NICK (as Mills): You will get the best view from up there, so I would recommend it. Balthazar really likes this seat, plus the upholstery is all shredded.

NICK: The strill whines at Mills and he shrugs.

NICK (as Mills): It’s true. You scratched up the seats. I don’t know what you want me to tell you.

NICK: And it settles down huffily into the speeder.

NICK (as Mills): Well, it’s only early afternoon at this point, so we could make some pretty good time today, maybe see some interesting animals. What do you say?

CAMERON (as Karma): Let’s do it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s do it!


NICK: So, you all pile in. You can see that situated under your seats there’s large crates of what look like supplies: some medical supplies, some first aid kits, but mostly food and camping gear and things like that. This is a full-service safari. Mills jumps into the driver’s seat and guns it, and you all take off over the grasslands into the afternoon sun and continue on your way.

Even on the first day, close to the city, you see a couple of really interesting animals. You see a Fanned Rawl which is like an iguana with no legs. It’s really big and has a massive hood that sticks out of it. You see several of those and they’re fighting, and then they’re breeding… and it’s just kinda weird. We get the shot of you all up in the seats and Mills has cut the engine and the thing skids to a stop.

NICK (as Mills): Look over there. This is really nice. Those Fanned Rawls only breed during this season. You never get to see stuff like that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh~

CAMERON: If I flip a light side point, can Tink have a disposable camera?

NICK: Yeah, absolutely.

HUDSON: [excited] I was thinking about having one!

CAMERON: [giggling] I just really think he needs one.

HUDSON: I pull out my disposable camera and start taking pictures.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ Oh, and they’re under the succulents. They’re so succulent right now.

NICK: So, you’re taking pictures of these strange lizard monsters, and after a while they slither away and Mills turns the speeder back on and continues onward. A while later he cuts the motor again and you can see Balthazar the strill is whining and perked up in his seat, and in the distance you can see more strills.

These aren’t domesticated, they’re even bigger, and Balthazar is already quite large. They have thick fur whereas he’s hairless. One of them jumps out of a thorn tree that’s sticking up above the grasses and flaps its six legs and manages to stay in the air for a while like a very enthusiastic sugar glider before falling on another one. This group is tussling and playing. Imagine a group of hyenas towards sunset. The sun is also setting here, and you all get a great view of wild strills across the grasslands.

NICK (as Mills): Now you’re gonna wanna be very careful here. If the wind changes direction, we’re gonna have to go really quick, so stay in your seats because these will absolutely hunt us and kill us if they figure out we’re here.

HUDSON (as Tink): They don’t look ‘too’ scary.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Tink, go pet one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I wouldn’t go that far. In my mind they just—

LILIT (as Xianna): Get out of your seat and go over and pet one.

HUDSON (as Tink): They just look like a bunch of wrestlers with wings.

NICK (as Mills): Part of the reason that you have to have a certified guide out here is for your safety. There may not be trees, but the wildlife out here is very dangerous and we’re very far from the city. We’ve been driving most of the day. So, I would advise against leaving your seat or attempting to pet one of the most dangerous creatures on the planet that created the most feared warriors in the entire galaxy.

CAMERON: Karma adjusts her grip on her carbine and checks the stun setting.

NICK (as Mills): It should be fine as long as the wind doesn’t change direction.

NICK: Could you roll me a Force die, please, Cameron?

CAMERON: One dark side.

NICK: [chuckles] As he says that, Balthazar yips and starts to sniff the air.

NICK (as Mills): Aw kriff, we gotta go.

NICK: You can see that these strill—there’s probably about ten of them—have fanned out in a semicircle and are loping towards the speeder much faster than you would expect. They’ll run for a bit and then jump and glide and then run and jump and glide, kind of like penguins will run and slide on their tummies except in the air and full of teeth.

These things are slowly circling to cut you all off and ambush you as Mills throws the speeder into full speed and guns it and spins the speeder to escape, and you’re able to get away. Tink, do you take any photos of being hunted by these terrifying strill?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma! Karma! Turn around. Okay, now just move a little bit so we can see you and the strills.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, time to stop taking photos.

HUDSON (as Tink): But, but… that’s a priceless expression on her face.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: What is the expression on Karma’s face?

CAMERON: Concern!

NICK: [laughs] And that’s pretty much the most exciting parts of the first day of your safari on Mandalore. We get a screen cut to the speeder at night parked next to a crackling campfire. There are bedrolls and camp chairs set up. There’s kebabs of meat cooking over the fire. You can hear the gentle hum of an electric fence set outside the perimeter of the firelight as well. Mills is sitting by the fire, waiting for the food to cook, playing a harmonica.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, Mills? How’d you get Balthazar?

NICK (as Mills): It’s a pretty funny story, actually.

NICK: Balthazar huffs and rolls over. He’s clearly asleep, but all six legs are sprawled out and his stomach is facing the sky. Lines of drool are running up his face and into the dirt.

NICK (as Mills): When I landed here I challenged an interesting guy to a Sabacc game. I managed to win. That’s actually where the armor came from, too. This guy just kept betting and I just kept winning. It seemed like the Force was in my favor. So, once I had all the gear that I needed to do it, that’s when I took over doing these safari guiding jobs.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a super–high stakes Sabacc game.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah… I did bet my life multiple times to get to that point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sometimes you just have to bet your clothes. Like, sometimes that is the only option left and that is what you do.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but I feel like there’s a difference between betting your clothes and betting your Mandalorian armor set.

NICK (as Mills): Well, to be fair, it is durasteel. It’s not actual beskar.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but still. Like, still impressive craftsmanship.

NICK (as Mills): It looks nice, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It looks nice. Great paintjob.

NICK (as Mills): Oh thanks. I did that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. Great. It would blend in very well on Unroola Dawn, actually.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah, that’s kinda what I was thinking, if I ever got to go back. I wonder how my sister’s doing.

NICK: He stares off into the distance.

NICK (as Mills): I’m sure she’s fine. She’s a tough lady. But what brings you out here? I can only imagine you’ve been fighting for the Rebellion and now you’re out on a pleasure safari on Mandalore. That seems a little out of your forte.

HUDSON (as Tink): No one said anything about pleasure, yet.

NICK (as Mills): I just mean that it was for fun, big boy. Calm down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is definitely part of it. We promised Tink we’d go on a safari a very long time ago.

NICK (as Mills): That’s an interesting request. Why would you promise that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, it involved the death of a crewmate. Have some respect.

LILIT (as Xianna): That guy was on our ship for like maybe a week or two.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sabos was an integral part of what makes our crew a crew.

NICK (as Mills): Who?

LILIT (as Xianna): He was there for like a week.

NICK (as Mills): I don’t remember anyone named that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh, the Togruta with the rifle?

NICK (as Mills): Oh. I always assumed that was like a hostage or something. He wasn’t with you the second time we met.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, that’s true.

NICK (as Mills): Huh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, no.

NICK (as Mills): Wow. So you’re following up on a wish with a crewmate from that long ago, huh?

HUDSON (as Tink): [indignant] Don’t judge me.

NICK (as Mills): I’m not judging. I’m really not. This job, I get a lot of weird answers. That one’s just kind of new to me, that’s all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink is just very sentimental.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, and safari just is that piece of the puzzle that I needed to complete the hole in my heart that was left behind by Sabos.

NICK: As you all are talking, you hear a loud ear-piercing scream coming from the distance. Mills holds up a hand and then smiles wide.

NICK (as Mills): Shriek hawk. Told you I guaranteed it. People come from all over the galaxy to hear that mournful cry.

NICK: Your ears hurt. This thing is very uncomfortable to hear even from a distance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] It’s beautiful.

NICK (as Mills): It really is.

CAMERON: Karma’s holding her head tails over where her ears would be, slightly, but is making it look like she’s just resting her chin in her hands, but is definitely using them as earmuffs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Mills! Mills.

NICK (as Mills): Yeah? What is it, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Are we gonna see a mythosaur?

LILIT (as Xianna): Those don’t exist, Tink! They’re not real.

NICK: His brow furrows.

NICK (as Mills): For one thing, Xianna, they did exist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well they’re not real ‘now.’

NICK (as Mills): Does being extinct mean that it’s not real?

LILIT (as Xianna): Anymore, yes.

NICK (as Mills): They’ve been dead for thousands of years, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): What?! And no one told me?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I am sure your education told you growing up.

NICK (as Mills): Even if they were real, they’re one of the most terrifying creatures in the entire galaxy. You wouldn’t want to go near one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I just think it would be really cool to see, and I would give you the highest ratings ever on the Holonet and tip you SO well if we got to see one.

NICK (as Mills): While that is a really good offer, Tink, it’s not like I’m hiding the mythosaur from you. They’re long extinct. No one’s even seen bones of one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, oh, wait! Tink, hold on.

LILIT: Xianna starts patting her pockets and rummaging through.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I left a mythosaur in one of my pockets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ha-ha. They’re so much bigger than your pockets. You couldn’t fit one in there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know, maybe if I curled one up real small into a little ball.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re just playing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe if you got a small one, like a baby.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re just playing with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I’m just joking. I mostly have spaghetti in my pockets right now.

CAMERON (as Karma): In the tupperware?

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so some of the pockets are heat retaining, so they keep your food warm, and some of them are coolant pockets, so they keep your snacks nice and cool, so I do kind of just have the spaghetti free-floating in one of the pockets. The pocket unzips out of the entire coat so you can wash it in the dishwasher.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that’s good.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re walking around with loose spaghetti.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, it’s in the zipper pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s sloppy as hell.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not like just loose falling out of the open pocket. It’s in its little container, zipped up, still warm.

HUDSON (as Tink): Some animal is gonna smell that from a while away from here.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it is like fully contained and smell-proof and everything.

NICK (as Mills): Whether it is or not, that’s why we have the electric fence set up and old Balthazar here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because if it wasn’t, Creamsicle would get into my coat all the time and find my snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): [disappointed grumble] Loose spaghetti…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not loose! It is contained. It is loose inside of the pocket, but it’s contained within the pocket.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s loosely contained.

NICK: We zoom out away from this argument around the campfire, and we see the Mandalore grasslands spread out, and we hear the mournful cry of a shriek hawk in the distance, and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 33 Meet the Parents

PDF download: S2 Episode 33 Meet the Parents

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 33:
Meet the Parents

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank Chase for the creation of the NPC, Nyx, that we used in today’s episode. If you also would like to create and submit an NPC to possibly be used in the show, you can go and support us at the $10 level on Patreon.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 33! I am your host and game master, Nick, and we’re just gonna take it down a notch this week, just have a nice, chill, nonviolent game of Star Peace instead of Star Wars. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I will be playing Star Peas today where you eat a bunch of frozen peas out of the bag at 2 AM.

NICK: Oh. See, I thought we were just pivoting and doing a religious-based fiction story and we were all produce to tell the stories and you would be Star Peas, and then there would be Star Carrots, and Star…

LILIT: Tomato.

NICK: Yeah, that’s the one.

LILIT: And a Cucumber.

CAMERON: Broccolini?

NICK: Star Broccolini! You figured it out, the big bad of the whole show. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Peace Officer Reginald Baltimore. As this is a laidback and new format we’re doing, I’m just gonna say that I’m here to chill and have a good time.

NICK: [struggling] Great to have you, Peace Officer Reginald Baltimore. Are you going to be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer this week?

HUDSON: Yeah, Hudson is gonna be playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Ooh, now we’re into the third person. I don’t like that.

HUDSON: Hudson loves it.


NICK: [groans] Yuck. Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Phenomenal. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: Two light side.


NICK: So, last time on Star Peace, a peaceful journey through the stars with Officer Reginald Baltimore—That was harder to say than I expected. You saw the consequences of assassinating a head of government on a planet that is under occupation by a fascist regime. You were able to escape the planet, and, based on a strange hunch that Tink had, decided to go to Mandalore. That’s where we last left off.

We open on the Afternoon Delight in hyperspace. The ship is well on its way to Mandalore, your next stop. Tink suggested that you go there on some sort of hunch and you all decided to see what adventures may lay in wait there. You’ve had some time, it’s far away from where you were, it’s probably been a couple of days of travel at this point. What have you all been doing during your voyage?

HUDSON: Tink has been constructing a gigantic blanket fort in the game lounge and cargo bay. And Room 16, which is unlabeled, and I think that’s the ever-shifting room, right?

LILIT: No, that’s Room 4.

CAMERON: Yeah, because it’s not on the list.

LILIT: Because Room 4 isn’t listed on the ship, so who knows where it could actually be.


HUDSON: So what is 16? Why is it unlabeled?

LILIT: We haven’t figured that out yet.

NICK: We just haven’t put anything in there.

CAMERON: We just haven’t picked yet.

HUDSON: That is the epicenter of my blanket fort that reaches across the three other areas.

LILIT: Who knows what room it was before, but now it is the heart of your blanket fort.

CAMERON: It is the blanket fort room.

NICK: Where did you get all the blankets? Were you stealing them from everyone’s rooms?


NICK: Okay…

CAMERON: We have so many spare bedrooms.

LILIT: Yeah. There’s a bunch of spare bedrooms and it was a party yacht so they probably had a whole cabinet just full of linens.

NICK: Has anyone seen you in the last 24 hours or did you disappear into this blanket jungle that you created?

HUDSON: I’ve disappeared into the blanket jungle and no one has seen me for the past 24 hours.

NICK: Okay. Great. So that’s what you’re doing. What about the other two members of the crew?

LILIT: Xianna stumbled upon the blanket fort in the middle of the night, and entered it, and has also not been seen in 24 hours, mostly because she no longer knows how to get out herself.


LILIT: She has been looking for Tink but has not found him. At this point she has given up. She lives in the blanket fort now with Creamsicle. Creamsicle knows how to get out.

NICK: Creamsicle has left and come back with snacks several times.


CAMERON: Karma is starting to get concerned with how quiet the ship is but has been going through—

LILIT: Has Karma seen the blanket fort?


CAMERON: No, I don’t think she’s wandered yet to try to track anyone down. She’s just making sure that there’s food out, and some food does keep leaving because Creamsicle takes it, so she’s like alright, well… I guess they’re alright. [laughs]

And has just been hanging out in the main living area and occasionally going up to the cockpit to check on things. But went through her whole routine of cleaning all of her weapons, since she actually used her sword, cleaning that. And then pulled out one of the books that we stole from the library that had all of the info on the Force objects.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Picture a child sitting in the aftermath of a Christmas morning. So there’s just the boxes and the stuffing that was in the boxes kind of thrown around everywhere, just sitting in the living room floor and has the two items that we have, the Stone Breaker and the Spirit Breaker, pulled out and is reading about them in the books.

NICK: Okay. Make me a Knowledge check, probably Knowledge (Education) since you’re doing research.

CAMERON: What difficulty?

NICK: Eh, we’ll say average. You have books specifically about this so it shouldn’t be too hard, but what information you get in addition will be…

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die because it’s been silent on the ship for 24 hours?

NICK: Sure!

CAMERON: [laughing] So I’ve gotten really focused.

NICK: Yeah, that makes sense.

CAMERON: Three successes and three threats.

NICK: Hmm. Well, you are able to cross-reference the index of the gaming book that you took that has this information and the actual historical documents that you took from the library and you actually put some information together about what these objects ostensibly do. You’re not sure exactly how to activate them, you’re not sure how reliable they are, but I would say it was probably pretty convincing that these items actually do stuff because you saw Endo teleporting around and doing a lot of things in combat that should be impossible.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, that’s definitely why Karma is looking into them now.

NICK: So, you realize some things. You are able to get some information, not necessarily specifics but definitely situations in which these would be useful.

The Stone Breaker, which is a tablet about the size of a sheet of paper that is apparently made out of stone but still has buttons that you can depress into them even though they don’t appear to do much, is some sort of key. It’s like a skeleton key. You can use it to get into just about anything. It doesn’t really explain how that works, but you would imagine it’s some sort of data breaker or something like that. This piece of equipment is referenced very frequently around locked doors and security and things like that.

The second artifact, the blue orb that looks like it has an ocean in it, the Spirit Breaker, seems kind of contradictory to you. You find two different references that say really different things. One of them says that it actually cuts people off from the Force. That’s interesting considering that these are Jedi artifacts that there would be an item that dampens the Force.

But it also potentially promotes vitality? You’re not sure what “promotes vitality” might mean. There are a couple of references of people with this artifact being able to get through situations and combats that they should not have survived. That doesn’t necessarily make sense but seems useful.

CAMERON: Alright. I think Karma has been taking notes in her data pad and feels like she’s both learned a lot and not really learned anything useful at the same time.

NICK: Hmm.

CAMERON: So, looks through a little while longer once she gets the bulk of the information and then realizes she’s pretty much gotten what she’s gonna get on these two particular items, and then picks up the romance novel that Xianna stole for her and goes and starts reading that.

NICK: Okay. Are you reading in the cockpit or are you still in the living area?

CAMERON: Still in the living area.

NICK: As you stand up to go and get the romance novel you fall prone. [dramatic bass noise] You trip over the carpeting. There’s something knotted in there. You don’t really want to think about it too hard, but it is embarrassing. The good news is no one sees. HK is off in one of the storage areas and you haven’t seen Tink or Xianna in quite a while.

We cut away to Xianna intrepidly exploring this blanket fort. Xianna, I’m picturing you wandering through a jungle of sheets and hanging blankets with a machete trying to explore your way through.

LILIT: Yes. Xianna has torn off a piece of a pillow case and has tied it around her head like a bandana. Creamsicle has a tiny matching one.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: Is riding around on the top of her head. She has found a voice recorder and is keeping a journal log.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is… I do not know what time it is anymore. I have no idea how many days it has been since I have gotten lost into this pillow fort. I fear I may never return, however I will keep going. Surely there must be an end to this. The Afternoon Delight is only so big, and maybe eventually Karma will notice we are missing and come for us.


NICK: Xianna, I think you find some sort of ravine with water flowing through it and jump across.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: There’s weird animal calls coming from the distance. You come across Tink deep in this blanket wilderness. What is the scene that she sees, Hudson?

HUDSON: Tink is sharpening a stone into a point and trying to attach it—and has some string and a stick beside there—to make a handmade spear and doesn’t notice Xianna walk up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): [startled] Ah! Oh… Oh, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! I have found another person! It has been so long.

HUDSON (as Tink): I know. I know. This got… This really got out of hand.

LILIT (as Xianna): I crossed a ravine with a waterfall in it. How is that even possible? There is no ravine in our ship.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know… [stammers] with evolution and the, ugh, things just got… I let HK just do whatever he wanted to do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do we have an holodeck? Is that a thing that we have in this universe?

HUDSON (as Tink): At this point, who would know?

NICK: The camera cuts away really fast to somewhere else out in the blanket wilderness. HK-67 is kneeling down by a track of mud and you can see boot prints through it. He puts his fingers in it and wipes the mud beneath both ocular sensors.

NICK (as HK): It is time to hunt the most dangerous game of all.

NICK: And we cut back.

LILIT (as Xianna): [sobbing] Tink, how do we get out of here?

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think there’s any getting out. I think we live here now.

LILIT (as Xianna): But again, how is this even possible?

HUDSON (as Tink): I just wanted a place where I could let my imagination run wild, and HK offered to help, and then I just took a snooze and when I woke up this was all here.

LILIT (as Xianna): This is too much, Tink. Okay? Even for you, this is too much. You need to dial it back.

HUDSON (as Tink): You don’t have to tell me that. I’m lost. I’m as lost as you are.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exhales] We have to find our way back. I don’t want to stay here.

HUDSON (as Tink): For some reason all com communications are disabled.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): The pillows are too thick for the signal to go through. I tried that earlier. It does not work. Also, I’m pretty sure I heard HK laughing in the distance and that scared me.

NICK: [smiling] We get a quick cutaway to Karma sitting in the living area flipping through a book. She goes “hmm” and you can hear from two rooms over the muffled conversation of Tink and Xianna, very clearly close. She looks up and shrugs and goes back to reading. [laughs]

CAMERON: Well yeah. I heard them. I know where they are now.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: They’re fine.

NICK: The ship pops out of hyperspace. There’s that sudden jolt of inertia as you resume normal sublight drives.

LILIT: Out of a ceiling vent in the main living space next to Karma, the vent just pops open and Xianna just falls out, splatters all over on the ground and is rolling around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh my god. Oh! I am free! I am free of the blanket fort!


HUDSON: As the ship comes out of hyperdrive the blanket fort collapses all around him. He tries to get up but he struggles through the blankets and eventually he bites and chews his way through five layers of blanket and then rips open the hull to emerge like he’s being birthed. He just [roars] and just comes out of it.

LILIT: And comes slithering out of the vent.

HUDSON: Jus comes slithering out of it. Yes.

NICK: You get up and look around and peer into the rooms where the blanket fort had started and there’s just a pile of blankets on the floor. It’s very unassuming. This bit doesn’t make a lot of sense. From out of the vents you see HK’s head poke down and he’s got paint of mud in a camo pattern and he had a stone knife and he looks down and sees that everybody’s back in the living area.

NICK (as HK): Disappointed sigh. Aww.

NICK: And then crawls back away through the vent.

LILIT (as Xianna): Where is HK going?

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, get back here!

LILIT (as Xianna): How did we end up in the vents? We were in an open area.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why… Why were y’all in the vents?

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma! Karma…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

LILIT (as Xianna): We were lost in the forest!

CAMERON (as Karma): What forest?

LILIT (as Xianna): The blanket fort got out of control. We do not know how it happened, but it got too big and we couldn’t find our way back.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK was hunting people.

NICK: HK pokes his head out of the vent since Tink asked him to come back.

NICK (as HK): This is true. I was hunting the most dangerous game of all.

LILIT (as Xianna): You keep saying that, HK, and then you just laugh when I ask you what that game is!

NICK (as HK): Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

CAMERON (as Karma): How is it possible that y’all got lost in a blanket fort that you built on the ship?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. I passed a waterfall. I’m starting to think that maybe some drugs got in the water or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… well, did y’all have fun on your adventure?

LILIT (as Xianna): Not at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): No… not really.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well…

HUDSON (as Tink): I was very scared.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK had fun.

NICK (as HK): I had lots of fun. It would have been more fun if I had finished the hunt.

HUDSON (as Tink): What hunt, HK?

NICK (as HK): The hunt for the most dangerous game of all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who else was in there? Was HK hunting us?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think there were others.

NICK (as HK): Nonchalant whistling.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m still so confused how that happened.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you can’t just say nonchalant whistling.

NICK (as HK): Nonchalant whistling. [buzzing]

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] Thank you. Yes, that’s much better.


NICK: The running lights of the ship go back to full daytime brightness. We can see down the hallway from the main living area where you all are having the conversation and through the view screen of the cockpit to the planet of Mandalore, a golden orb with a couple of cities obvious on the surface but otherwise a rugged wilderness. What are you gonna do?

CAMERON: Karma closes her romance novel and stands up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): We came to Mandalore. Now where am I going?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm…

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t say back into the fort.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re not going back into the fort. I’m never going into that part of the ship again.

CAMERON (as Karma): I meant on the planet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Mandalore. So, if I got my geography right, the capital should be Keldabe.

HUDSON: I look really proud of myself for remembering that even though it’s been a while.

NICK (as HK): Query. Boss Man, didn’t you live on Mandalore for most of your childhood?

HUDSON (as Tink): … That is inconsequential! So, I think we should land there, and uh, let’s land on Bay 13.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well I think I’m gonna have to go to whichever bay they tell me to.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm…

CAMERON (as Karma): You got a particular section of the city? Like, should I go north, west side, like what…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t go to the west side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t go to the west side. Uh, go ahead and go to the east side.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: Tink has a distant look in his eyes as he is suggesting these things as though staring into the depths of unknowable space.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, where on Mandalore did you grow up? Was it in the capital?

HUDSON (as Tink): I grew up right outside of Keldabe.

LILIT (as Xianna): And you are unsure if it was the capital or not?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. I was very confident it was the capital earlier. Yes, it was a… I grew up in a small town outside of Keldabe called Riveriska.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, what is Riveriska known for? What is their main export? What is their economy based around? Are they mostly about commuting into the main city or do they have resident economic benefits?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do your parents still live there, Tink? Oh my gosh. Can we go meet your parents? They must be so fucking weird.

NICK: [cackles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, we shouldn’t assume.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, if they raised Tink! Look at him. Have you met him? He built a pillow fort that was somehow a portal into a real jungle.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does take talent.

LILIT (as Xianna): They must be so strange.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, so… Children don’t necessarily grow up to be at all like their parents, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it definitely has a big influence.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know if they’re gonna want to see me or not, but we can stop by I guess.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are they still mad about the spaghetti?

HUDSON (as Tink): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): How could they be that mad? It was just some soapy noodles.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah Tink, that seems like a ridiculous reason for your parents to not want to see you.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think that… [huffs] If you really want to visit my parents, we can.

NICK: Karma, you head to the cockpit and start landing procedures. As you head towards Keldabe you get a hail from an Imperial air traffic control. They give you several different bays to land in based on where your travel plans are. You have to log basic travel reasons and things like that, but that’s easy enough to lie about. They give you the options of 6, 12 and 13.

CAMERON: Headed to 13.

NICK: You head down to the surface. Keldabe has a lot of space traffic. It’s a large spaceport. The population itself is a lot more spaceborne than most planets, because in Star Wars normally there’s space travel people but most people planet-side don’t leave the planet. It’s expensive and it’s hard to get on a ship. But because these are Mandalorians and warriors and ambassadors and things like that, a lot of people travel off-planet, so this is a very large spaceport.

We see you land. You’re guided in by a droid with two glowing sticks to park and you actually walk out onto a concourse and into a spaceport that is inside and has luggage procedures and things like that. There is a group of beings standing around the receiving area holding white flimsy signs that have different names written on them in Aurebesh. You see one that says Rallltinkraatakat on it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey! That’s for me…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did you tell somebody we were on our way?

HUDSON (as Tink): No?

NICK: As Tink says that, this person whips around and makes eye contact with him. You see a bright red Nautolan with large black eyes wearing white clothing that’s pretty loose and has stripes that are both red and blue on them in a crisscrossing pattern and is wearing bracelets on each wrist that go up his forearms that are both red and blue. So you get a lot of red and a lot of blue and a lot of flowing clothes. He smiles at you broadly as he sees you and makes a motion for your group to come over.

CAMERON: Beep-beep.

NICK: [smiling] Yes, the ship is locked. There is security for the ship. The ship will be fine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you one of Tink’s parents? Is Tink adopted? Who are you? How do you know Tink.

NICK (as Nyx): [voice: smooth, jovial] You ask a lot of questions. I like that about you. No, I don’t know Tink. His name came to me as though in a dream, as though some force all around us that flows through us.

LILIT (as Xianna): [fed up] Ugh, kriff…

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Oh my god. Are you like some Jedi or some shit?

NICK (as Nyx): Hey, don’t go calling people Jedi that—

LILIT (as Xianna): Force user. Whatever.

NICK (as Nyx): So you walk up in your fancy coat and your fancy boots and just immediately assume that somebody’s a Jedi? That’s, uh… that’s a lot.

LILIT (as Xianna): You said you had some sort of weird fucking Force dream about Tink and that is how his name came to you. Sorry for making a logical assumption.

NICK (as Nyx): Well, the good news is that I want to help, so let’s start over. Hi, my name is Nyx. It’s nice to meet you. I want to send you on your journey in the correct direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Where are Tink’s parents?

NICK (as Nyx): The correct direction is probably not Tink’s parents. If you—

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we make a short pit stop first?

NICK (as Nyx): I’m not your parents. Do whatever you want. I was just wanting to make sure that you all knew where you were going. Seems like you’ve already got an itinerary. Tink, does she always speak for you or do you have any sort of personality or interesting things about you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I’m Tink! I do have personality, normally, but you are kinda confusing me with this whole saw me in a dream stuff. I know I’m dreamy, but…

NICK (as Nyx): Aw, that’s sweet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, we came to Mandalore because the voices in your head told us to. I really don’t think we should be knocking the dream thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. So sure, maybe the dream thing is legitimate. So… why did this happen to me?

NICK (as Nyx): Okay… Okay, this has been fun but we’re getting really metaphysical here, so I’m just gonna say… We have a mutual acquaintance who called me and told me to expect that you would be coming.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who was the mutual acquaintance?!

NICK (as Nyx): Well…

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you really not have a guess? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Was it my parents?

LILIT (as Xianna): Was it Tink’s parents?!

NICK (as Nyx): [chuckling] Yes. Yep, you got it in one. That’s who it was.

LILIT (as Xianna): [deflated] Was it Sentinel?

NICK (as Nyx): Yeah. Sentinel is an old friend of mine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh. So, you have a weird Force dream and you tell Tink to “go to Mandalore” and then you are friends with Sentinel and you are mad at me for saying that you might be a Jedi?

NICK (as Nyx): Okay, so friends is strong. I said acquaintance. I stand by saying that guy’s kind of a jerk as well. I was mostly just fucking with you. I didn’t—weird dream thing… I got a com call. I got a com call that said to expect somebody to be heading this direction and to put this name on a sign and to help them to continue their journey and avoid the Empire, so that’s what I’m here to do.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, did Sentinel tell you to go to Mandalore?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who told Sentinel we were going to Mandalore? I haven’t talked to him in like weeks. We probably should, but I haven’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did I, like… Did anyone drunk dial him?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think so. I don’t have his number saved in my coms.

CAMERON (as Karma): [withering] My guess is that Sentinel is the voice you heard in your head, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s nerve-racking.

LILIT: Xianna’s scrolling through her previously called history.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I don’t see his number. And again, it’s not even saved, I always have to ask Karma what it is.

NICK: Because Xianna doesn’t save people’s names in her phone, she saves other things as reminders of who they are, just give me a couple of examples of what your contacts look like.

LILIT: There’s definitely one that is just a string of emojis and it is green heart, peach, second green heart, and the little heart with a bow on it. That’s Nolaa.

NICK: Makes sense.

LILIT: There’s definitely one that’s just angry face and a stabby emoji. It’s probably Falx, but she’s not entirely sure, so occasionally she just sends a message that’s kind of prompting the other person. They haven’t responded yet, though. There’s a whole handful of ones where it’s just like that one dude from that bar, the chick from the grocery store.

NICK: [laughs] There is no contact with Sentinel on there. One might even say that the Force works in mysterious ways. But Nyx wouldn’t say that, Nyx looks thoroughly confused. This red Nautolan drops the sign on the floor and crosses his arms.

NICK (as Nyx): Okay. It sounds like you all already have a plan. I guess you don’t need any guidance or anything like that, so I’m gonna take off. I’ve got a hot date tonight.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who’s the date with? Can we help?

NICK (as Nyx): Well, it’s with my boyfriend. I think we’re probably far enough along that I don’t need any guidance on that, but I do appreciate it. I’m just gonna say, if whatever you’re looking for is probably out on the plains somewhere and you’re gonna need a speeder, I’m gonna let you get it from there. You don’t really seem to need my help. I’ve got more important things to do, so… if you don’t want to listen, I’ll take off. Go see your parents. Do whatever you want.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look. You can’t just do this whole “I am a mysterious Force user” thing and then get upset when people are like okay cool, you’re mysterious, whatever. If you’re not going to answer our questions or give us any information, like yeah, we’re going to go do something else. I don’t want to waste my time here.

NICK (as Nyx): I legitimately offered you the information and you changed the subject.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s your fault.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright Nyx… let’s nix this whole thing and start over.

CAMERON (as Karma): [disappointed exhale]

NICK (as Nyx): That is a solid pun.

NICK: He holds up his hand for a high-five.

HUDSON: I high-five back.

NICK: The clap is loud enough that people around in the spaceport look up kind of confusedly from what they were doing and then go back to what they’re doing. A stormtrooper standing over by a security checkpoint starts to put their hand to their helmet and talk on the radio while looking at you.

CAMERON: Karma leans down and picks up the Tink sign that Nyx dropped so that doesn’t get left here.

NICK: Good. Very good. Nyx looks over to the stormtrooper and you see him hold up three fingers on one hand and do kind of an idle waving gesture at the stormtrooper and shake his head. The stormtrooper about-faces and starts inspecting a wall.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, are you going to tell us why you are helping us or not?

NICK (as Nyx): Sure. You know, I thought it might be fun to get to know you a little bit. Sentinel usually sends me pretty interesting people. But sure, whatever you’re looking for, don’t know what it is, seems powerful, seems important. Like I said, it’s deep in the plains outside of the city. That whole area is a nature preserve so you’re probably gonna need to get a ride from somebody with the proper certifications. Look out for mythosaurs. Those are scary.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Wait a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. I don’t think those are real.

NICK (as Nyx): Oh, they’re real.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re real… You know what? Are you implying that we have to go on a safari?

NICK (as Nyx): You know… sure. Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Take us on a safari!

NICK (as Nyx): I’m not taking you on a safari. I’m just telling you that you might need to go find one. There’s lots of—

HUDSON (as Tink): Please~

LILIT (as Xianna): Is this all the information you have? That we’re supposed to go on a safari? You don’t know what we’re chasing? You don’t know what we’re looking for? You don’t know where it is? Just that we have to go out into the wilderness?

NICK (as Nyx): You know, you’re right. I’m getting tired of being all mythical and stuff. Y’all know Kettle? Crime lord, real scary lady.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK (as Nyx): Yeah, she’s out there.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are friends.

NICK (as Nyx): Eh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Kind of. Maybe.

NICK (as Nyx): Okay. So, uh… I was trying to be all mysterious and cool, let you discover things, but I’ll just tell you. Kettle has somehow made a base out there without being found by the government. It’s surrounded by a bunch of scary monsters. It’s a no fly zone. Only people with any sort of certifications or anything can even go out there. So yeah, you’ll probably need to hire some sort of transportation from somebody specialized. Those items that you’re looking for…

NICK: He waggles his brows at you all.

NICK (as Nyx): …Kettle has a couple of them. I bet they’re here. Sentinel said that’s where you would probably need to go next.

LILIT: Xianna whips around to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what do your parents do?

HUDSON (as Tink): [exhales]

LILIT (as Xianna): What are their jobs? Please tell me they are specialized in something cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): [mildly irritated] Let’s wait and talk to them about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): You don’t—Do you not know what your parents do?

HUDSON (as Tink): [rushed, reprimanding] We’re talking about this right now. Stay on topic.

NICK: Nyx reaches a hand out and sets it on Tink’s forehead and closes his eyes.

NICK (as Nyx): I think one of them, something with… a teacher? I’m feeling like a teacher. And the other one is like a logistics agent? How close am I?

NICK: And puts his arms down.

HUDSON (as Tink): So one of them is a magician who deals with logistics.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh gosh.

CAMERON (as Karma): A logistical magician?

LILIT (as Xianna): I have no idea if that is true or not.

HUDSON (as Tink): And the other one is a teacher of the art of magic. They’re both magicians.

NICK (as Nyx): Interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

NICK (as Nyx): Well, that sounds nice. Have fun meeting your parents. Here are the coordinates roughly of where Kettle’s base is.

NICK: Nyx pulls out a data pad and flicks the screen and y’all’s data pads beep as you get some information.

NICK (as Nyx): And good luck. Probably try to avoid any security checkpoints on your way to wherever you’re going because you look really… distinctive. Just gonna throw that out there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, you know, surprisingly that hasn’t come up before.

NICK (as Nyx): Huh!

NICK: Nyx does the thing where he snaps with all his fingers and hits his palm onto the top of his fist.

NICK (as Nyx): So, uh… I was pretty much as clear as I could possibly be. You know what I know. We’ve already attracted a little attention. If you don’t have any more questions, I’m gonna go. You all don’t really seem to need much of my help.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, what help are you giving us?

NICK (as Nyx): Well, I literally told you where to go, but you know what… kriff you.

NICK: [laughs] And he turns on his heel and starts to walk out of the spaceport.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fucking Jedis are the worst.

NICK: Without looking over his shoulder he holds up his arm and flips the bird back at you and says…

NICK (as Nyx): Not a Jedi.

NICK: …and then a group of stormtroopers all stare at him and he does a little hand gesture and they turn around and walk the other direction, and he walks out of the spaceport.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I feel like that is a bad one to say.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

NICK: While y’all are talking, he walks through some sliding doors and there’s speeders going by and he just jumps into the street and as he’s landing he lands in the passenger seat of a speeder and goes flying off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay Tink, take us to your parents’ house. Let’s go.

NICK: [cackles]

HUDSON (as Tink): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I need to meet them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you have to?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Failure to introduce me to the Boss man’s parents will negate primary user status. It voids your warranty.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa! Says who?!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s HK.

NICK (as HK): This is what we call in the business “blackmail.”

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK makes his own warranty.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why is… HK, you know, since the beginning of our journeys together I feel that HK has gone downhill on an ethical level.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Uh, no, I feel it’s pretty consistent.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I feel like he was a murder bot from the very beginning.

NICK (as HK): I was curious where you were going with that, but trying to put it on an ethical standard is a very interesting tact. I actively crave murdering organics.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I was your… I was Boss Man.

NICK (as HK): You still are unless you don’t introduce me to your parents.

HUDSON (as Tink): [exasperated] Alright. We’re gonna just go pay them a surprise visit I guess.


NICK: So there’s a swipe and you are in a Star Wars suburb on the outskirts of Keldabe. Describe Tink’s parents’ house.

HUDSON: Tink’s parents’ house is kinda like a combination of a ranch that you’d find in the south US and Peewee’s Playhouse.

NICK: So it’s a one-story white stucco house with a slanted roof and a kinda brown deadish yard and a spiraling sidewalk leading up to the front door?

HUDSON: Yeah, weird as all hell.

NICK: Okay. What color is the house? I said white stucco—

HUDSON: Purple.

NICK: It’s purple stucco. Okay. Great. So, you head up to the door, a taxi speeder has let you out, and Tink, you knock on the door and it swings open, and both of Tink’s parents are standing there. What do they look like?

LILIT: A large Gigoran who has had the ends of her hair dyed bright pink opens the door and goes:

LILIT (as Rhonda): [voice: boisterous, southern] [gasps] Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! Tink is home!

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And this pink and white Gigoran turns their head and yells out:

LILIT (as Rhonda): Mossie! Mossie, you gotta get out here. Tink came home!

LILIT: She steps outside the doorframe and gives Tink a gigantic hug.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mom…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man under threat. Preparing weapons. [gun charging sound]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, you tell your droid friend to calm down before I smack him upside the head.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, disarm.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You are not under attack just because I’m giving you a  hug.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m an adult, mom. I’m too old for this.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Nobody’s too old for a hug.

CAMERON: Just this giant ball of white fur comes rushing out of the house and tackles the hugging pair. [laughs]

NICK: HK gently steps out of the way and pulls Xianna and Karma with him so they go tumbling down the sidewalk without hitting the rest of the crew.

NICK (as HK): Crisis averted. This attack is apparently non-damaging and is called a “hug.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes HK, it is called a hug. They happen all the time. Calm down. Also, I was not expecting Tink’s mom to be pink. That is a fun little addition.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… these are my, uh, friends on my—my adventuring friends on my important missions.

LILIT: Xianna is just standing there waving, smiling.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello Tink’s parents! I am very happy to meet you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): [voice: sweet, gentle] Tink, why didn’t you tell us you were coming?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): We don’t have snacks prepared at all.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… they insisted. We ended up on Mandalore, and… We don’t need snacks, it’s fine. We all ate earlier.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You mean you knew you were coming to Mandalore and you didn’t tell us?

NICK (as HK): Tink insisted that we not visit at all.

CAMERON (as Mossie): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!

NICK: And HK gives a double thumbs up to Tink like he’s helping.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not the case at all. I simply thought it would inconvenience you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): How?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Inconvenience us?

NICK (as HK): Tink says that you are both great magicians. Please show us magic.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, Tink is always exaggerating how good we are. Now, you watch this.

LILIT: She pulls out a pack of cards from amongst her fur and starts shuffling them with great skill.

NICK: HK gasps.

LILIT: And then holds it out in a fan.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, now you pick a card. Don’t show me though. You keep it to yourself. You can show your friends but don’t show me the card.

NICK: HK reaches out suspiciously and pulls a card quickly up and holds it right in front of his face.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, now you put it back into the deck wherever you want.

NICK: HK puts it on top of the deck.

LILIT (as Rhonda): [stammers] I mean, that’s…

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Rhonda): That was an option, I guess.

NICK (as HK): That is where I wanted to put it.

LILIT (as Rhonda): And you did.

LILIT: She starts to shuffle the deck again, cutting it a few times, tosses it up into the air and catches it, shuffles it behind her back, and then hands the deck to Karma.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay sweetie, now you hold the deck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright…

LILIT (as Rhonda): Did you see the card?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Now you and—I’m sorry. I did not catch your name, droid. What was it?

NICK (as HK): I am HK-67.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Now HK-67, you gotta think real hard about what that card was, okay?

NICK (as HK): I did not look at the card.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay. Well, then you.

LILIT: [laughs] She looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, then you, sweetie, you think real hard about what card it was. Okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright? Yep.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, I’m gonna need you to look at the bottom of your shoe.

CAMERON: Karma puts a hand on HK’s shoulder and leans over slightly to pull her foot up to look at the bottom of her shoe.

LILIT: There is no card there.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I’m just joshing with you, sweetie. Your card is not under your shoe. You are gonna wanna check your pocket, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): Which one?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Any of them.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma, while still holding the deck of cards in one hand, starts just sticking her hand in other pockets.

LILIT: Whichever pocket Karma puts her hand in first is where the card is.

CAMERON: Alright, it’s like right front pant pocket.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, is that the card? Please say yes. I  hope it was.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, HK, is this your card?

NICK (as HK): I did not look at the card.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, it’s his card. [chuckles]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay, well we’re just gonna say it is because, you know, I guess he didn’t look, but uh… there you go.

NICK (as HK): This is amazing, and I’ve known people who can do literal space magic. I am impressed.

LILIT: Xianna is bouncing up and down next to Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh. Tink. Tink, your parents are magicians. Why did you not tell me this, that it was true?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh… I didn’t think you’d be this excited?

LILIT (as Xianna): They are so weird. It is great!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Now, are we gonna stand out here all day or are you gonna come inside?

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s go in.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Why do you sound so sad about that, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): [huffs] I just…

CAMERON (as Mossie): First you didn’t want to come see us and now you don’t want to bring your friends to… What?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Are you embarrassed of us?

HUDSON (as Tink): No… I mean, uh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): Are you embarrassed of your friends?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a good question.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Consider your answer very carefully, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I’m not embarrassed of my friends. Let’s go in. Let’s just go in. Just, a lot of memories coming through these doors.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You say that like you had a bad childhood, Tink. What are you going on about?

CAMERON (as Mossie): It does sound very traumatic.

NICK: And so we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight herded inside by two lovely Gigoran parents. Next thing we see is everybody seated at large couches around a large wooden coffee table. There are snacks. There are weird polygons that are brightly colored and don’t really make sense as food, but they are delicious. You all are chatting and having a great time.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright, so Tink, introduce us to your friends.

HUDSON (as Tink): That… Alright, I will. So, we have Karma. Karma is a friend, and they are a pilot… and a fighter, and we go on adventures, and they shoot people. That is Xianna. Xianna—

LILIT: Xianna is still bouncing up and down, just smiling so big.

LILIT (as Xianna): Hello~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna is vulgar but has a good heart and also is a fighter who goes on adventures with me.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I like her.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammers] Yeah, I thought you would. And then we have HK, and HK is a droid who doesn’t have a heart but is good on adventures.

NICK (as HK): Technically my processor core is a piece of ancient technology that Tink jury-rigged to repair my chassis.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Oh, Tink always was good at computers.

LILIT (as Rhonda): He’s so good at it.

NICK (as HK): He is wanted on several galactic watch lists for hacking things he should not have.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Ugh, my little boy grew up so fast.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now, before we go any further, I guess I’ll just talk about why I’m a little uncomfortable. I always was under the impression ever since that I was just a screw-up to you all and you all weren’t proud of me, and I just have been carrying that for a long time now.

CAMERON (as Mossie): No~!

LILIT (as Rhonda): What in the tap dancing nerf? Why would you think that we were upset with you in any way?

HUDSON (as Tink): The spaghetti incident.

CAMERON (as Mossie): The what?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Mossie, do you…? The spaghetti? Was that—? What are you talking about?

CAMERON (as Mossie): Tink, you always loved spaghetti.

LILIT (as Rhonda): You love it when Mossie makes spaghetti!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no. Remember that one time when—

LILIT (as Rhonda): Yeah, she always puts in that extra sauce that you like. Mossie, tell him. You always make that extra sauce.

CAMERON (as Mossie): I always do it specifically because you like it so much.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not talking about that—

CAMERON (as Mossie): Now I hear you don’t want to come and see me because of my spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it’s not because of the spaghetti. There was this—

LILIT (as Rhonda): Do you not love her spaghetti?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I love the spaghetti. There was this one time that y’all were cooking your spaghetti, and…

HUDSON: Tink is starting to develop an accent {from you two}.


HUDSON (as Tink): Cookin’ y’all’s spaghetti, and you left it on the side of the sink, and the faucet was over there, and I washed my hands on the spaghetti side, and you were so upset.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, the soapy spaghetti? Tink, that… you were a kid.

NICK (as HK): That was my nickname in high school.

HUDSON (as Tink): No it— [exhales]

HUDSON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Rhonda): I don’t think droids go to high school.

HUDSON (as Tink): They don’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you did not go to high school.

NICK: [grinning] HK hangs his head.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Tink, you got some soap on the noodles and we just made more noodles.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Mossie): Tink, that happened when you were like 11.

LILIT (as Rhonda): It’s been like over a decade. You thought we were still mad about that after ten years? We were mad about some soapy pasta?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I was, but it sounds like y’all are okay now?

CAMERON (as Mossie): Honey, we’ve been okay. I didn’t know that this was an issue that you thought we had.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I had no idea. I thought you were just being weird because of all the teenager hormones and everything.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Yeah, and then you left for school and I figured you just were having too much fun to come hang out with your moms, and you know, that’s fine. We understand. We went to school and had the whole not talk to your parents thing for a while. But spaghetti? Really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. I’m relieved that you all are no longer mad at me about the spaghetti incident. I will say—

CAMERON (as Mossie): We never were~

HUDSON (as Tink): I will say, it made me who I am as a person. I used the angst from that incident to start my hacking career.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well… good?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, I’m flabbergasted.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well I love y’all, so do you wanna bring it in?!

CAMERON (as Mossie): yeah~

CAMERON: Hug again. Yay.


NICK: HK joins the group hug.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh? Well okay, you can join too, friend.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah HK, you’re welcome to join. You’re a little tight… a little tight. [stammers, assertive] A little tight.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): No, you cannot be hurt by a hug. It is not an attack. [buzzing]

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well, okay, slow down there, hot stuff. It does kinda sound like you’re firing up your gun and we have a no shooting in the house rule.

NICK (as HK): That is fine. I also have a knife.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, we also have no stabbings in the house.

HUDSON (as Tink): Haven’t you read all the embroideries on the wall? They’re listed there.

NICK: [laughs] There’s the little needlepoint that says “no shooting in the house” and shows an HK model droid with a mini gun and then there’s another one that says “no stabbing in the house” and it has a Nautolan carrying two different vibro-swords of different lengths.

LILIT: Xianna has gone to the bathroom and she pokes her head out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, excuse me? There is a needlepoint in here that says no doing drugs in the bathroom. Where should I do the drugs?

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know, we just ask that you do them outside of the house.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, so like back on the front porch or something? Okay. Thank you.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Yeah. Just let us know if you need any snacks or anything.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Well Tink, I’m just… I wish you would have told us, because you know, we could have made a cake, fired up the grill, gotten some nerf ribs or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, we are gonna be here for a bit. Maybe we can come back for all that.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I hope you do. It’s been… It’s been a few years since you came home, and you know, I don’t want to say that we missed you, I don’t wanna get all sappy now, but—

CAMERON (as Mossie): I will say it. We missed you!

LILIT (as Rhonda): We missed you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aw, I missed y’all too.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Then why didn’t you come see us?

LILIT (as Rhonda): You didn’t come home for Life Day.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mamas, I had the spaghetti angst.


LILIT (as Rhonda): You’re saying the spaghetti angst but I just don’t get it.

CAMERON (as Mossie): You know Tink, I am happy that you have used this spaghetti angst that you have in a positive manner to help you reach your goals for hacking, but there’s really no… there’s really no need.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Well, y’all convinced me. Uh, just to keep you kinda clued in on our schedule, we’re going on a safari!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Ooh, really?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, well doesn’t that sound fun.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah! Hey team, should they come with us?

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): How prepared are your parents for combat and to take the lives of other organics? Because that seems likely.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Well, I mean, it’s been a while.

LILIT (as Rhonda): I mean… what kind of game are we hunting?

NICK (as HK): The most dangerous game of all.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh, well hot diggity dog.

CAMERON: I feel like there are definitely, like… there’s a fireplace and above it are the two crossed Gigoran axes.

LILIT: Oh yeah, this house is just full of doilies and crochet and needlepoints and cross-stitches…

CAMERON: And sharp pointy objects.

LILIT: …and weapons and a few mounted animal heads.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now, I will say, my parents have a very good disappearing act.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Oh! Oh!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Is this a hint?

LILIT (as Rhonda): Honey, do you want to bring out the box? Do you wanna do the disappearing trick?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Alright. Tink, will you be our assistant?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Mossie): Okay. I will go get the box.

LILIT: Xianna’s clapping her hands at this point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my goodness! Oh, they are going to do a magic trick again! Tink, your parents are so fucking cool! Why did you not take us here earlier?!

NICK: So your parents leave the room and they come back with a Gigoran-sized—It looks like a coffin on a rolling cart with slots carved in it and it’s painted bright colors and the lid lifts easily.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I am gonna go over and open the magic box~

NICK: The inside is dark and mysterious.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, now disappear, you two.

CAMERON: Mossie holds out a hand to assist Rhonda in climbing up into the box.

LILIT: Rhonda waves goodbye as she gets in the box and closes the door. There’s a puff of smoke and the door gently opens back up and she’s gone.

CAMERON (as Mossie): Ooh~

NICK: HK begins clapping very loudly. Clank, clank, clank, clank, clank.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps, claps quickly] She disappeared! Tink! Tink, why did you never tell us this?! Your moms are so cool!

HUDSON (as Tink): Just enjoy the moment, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): [strained] I am!

CAMERON: Mossie does a spin and then steps up into the box and pulls it closed.

NICK: The box spins on its own. There’s another poof of smoke and the door swings open, and it’s empty!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~


NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Rhonda pokes her head from the front entryway like down the stairs just a little bit and whispers.

LILIT (as Rhonda): Okay Tink, well uh, you tell us when you want us to come back and we’ll hang out with your friends. We don’t want to interrupt too much. Just give us a call. Okay? Love you, sweetie. Bye. I don’t wanna bother  you too much. Just like, we love you and you haven’t been home in a while, so…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh— [stammers, interrupted] Okay. Okay bye~

LILIT (as Rhonda): Send us a com message with your plans.

HUDSON (as Tink): Will do~

NICK: [smiling] So do y’all leave or do you still hang out at Tink’s parents’ house?

CAMERON: We’re still eating snacks!


NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 32 The Good, The Bad, The Explosive

PDF download: S2 Episode 32 The Good, The Bad, The Explosive

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 32:
The Good, The Bad, & The Explosive

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank two of our new Patreon backers, Strnad and Techdragon. Thank you so much for supporting the show. And, it comes at really good timing, because Tink has told me that he’s lost something in the ship. He won’t say what it is, just that it could be in the vents and he needs to find it right away. So, if you can go help him out with that… that would be great. Thank you.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 32 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. I am looking frantically at the wall of the study to try to think of inspiration for something random and charming to say, and um… painting of a pirate ship! Glad to have you here. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m Olympic Medalist Hudson Jameson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Two questions.


NICK: One, what kind of medal?

CAMERON: An Olympic one.

HUDSON: An Olympic medal.

NICK: What place did you get?

HUDSON: Oh, they have places… I got second?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: [chuckling] What color is the second medal, person who must be wearing it right now?

HUDSON: It’s silver, and if you bite it, it doesn’t break off.

NICK: Okay good. You’ve kept up with tradition. What event was it for? Bear in mind it’s the Summer Olympics so it doesn’t have anything to do with snow.

HUDSON: Extreme catfishing.

NICK: Oh, so you like pretended to be someone you weren’t on a dating site and you got second place at that?

HUDSON: While running, yes.

NICK: Oh, okay. Cool. Cool-cool-cool. Well, great to have you here, Hudson. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I am not participating in the Olympics this year.

NICK: Oh, did you get… Why not?

HUDSON: Are you from Russia?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: No. See, I had shoulder surgery and the travel to Tokyo just wasn’t going to work out.

NICK: Oh, that makes sense.


NICK: Considering that you’re a globally ranked archer, the shoulder surgery was gonna kind of…

CAMERON: [snickers] Yeah, it just really tripped me up there. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Yeah. Wonderful. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Olympic Gold Medalist Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Yes, my gold medal was for catfishing, but mine was for noodlin’.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: So different form of catfishing.

NICK: It’s like the difference between Taekwondo sparring and Taekwondo demonstration. Like, the logos and the broadcast were similar but totally different events.

LILIT: Totally different. I caught a catfish with my bare hand.

NICK: Great. What was the weight of the winning catfish?

LILIT: Over 9000 pounds.

NICK: That’s a very large catfish.


HUDSON: Nick, I need to change my answer.

NICK: Okay?

HUDSON: I’m sorry everyone, I lied. I was not catfishing or extreme catfishing. I was tablescaping. That is a professional competitive table making where you do themes and other accoutrement on the table to set it for dinner.

CAMERON: What was your theme?

HUDSON: My theme was… all the Rocky movies.


NICK: Wow. So lots of sides of meat, then?


CAMERON: Lots of stairs.

HUDSON: Yeah, the whole thing was stairs.

NICK: So, one last question and we’ll get off of this bit, but this one’s important. In the highly competitive global environment of tablescaping, what receives more of a weighted score? The speed in which you complete the setting or the overall style and continuity of the design.

HUDSON: I think that it depends on the judges. It’s very subjective.

NICK: No kidding. [laughs]

HUDSON: I’d be lying—

CAMERON: [laughing] It all depends on how hungry the judges are for how fast you set the table.

HUDSON: Yes, that actually is true. It’s a wild card thrown in there. You don’t know until you get to the event.

CAMERON: Did they feed the judges lunch today? I don’t know!

NICK: Wow… Alright. Well? I’m glad that we have so many competitive athletes on this podcast. That’s great.

LILIT: Also, great news, the catfish that I caught, my gold medal catfish, will be arriving next week. We are building it a pool in our backyard where it will live, all 9,000 pounds of it. I have named this catfish Big Jeyb.


NICK: Oh goodness. Well, before we do the recap of the episode, at the risk of becoming just a fantasy Olympic recitation podcast, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side!


NICK: Nice. Very good.

LILIT: Nice!


NICK: So, when we last left the crew of the Afternoon Delight, you all had fought your way to the summit of Lessu, the capital city of Ryloth. Infiltrated the governor’s palace. Xianna and Taan’na had fought Endo to a standstill, forcing him to retreat but being pretty injured in the process. Karma and Tink and HK were able to convince some security droids that they were magicians and then kill them.

You all met in the governor’s office and ordered HK to kill them, blasting them out of a window to their certain demise. The last thing that we heard was Karma saying that her escape plan was just to walk out of the office… and that’s what happens more or less.

We get a couple of scenes of you all quick-stepping your way through these labyrinthine passages. There are scenes in the background where you were fighting before but you’re able to get past there. You dodge a couple of guard patrols. You’re able to sneak out of the governor’s mansion without really any more conflict.

We see a quick shot of all of you dropping over the wall back into the main city. The next thing we see is the Imperial speeder that you arrived in leaving the city. You take a side route and are able to dodge most of the patrols. There’s a rotation of guards so you are lucky enough not to get stopped by the same guards that you lied to and said you were giving the speeder back having bought it at an auction.

You see as you’re crossing the bridge that there is already platoons of stormtroopers and imperial investigators cordoning off parts of the city, beginning to investigate this incursion that you all did and locking everything down. We see the transport whizzing over the desert floor, and then the next thing we see is all of you in a debriefing room. It’s not very large, but inside is your group, Taan’na, and Colonel Kachadorian, and you’re catching the colonel up on the mission.

HUDSON: I pull chance cubes out of my pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): These are the puppies that gave me the decision to end their life.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think that is a good thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? I didn’t kill them, I made the decision.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK (as HK): Exclamation: I killed them and I deserve credit for it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… We did go in already having decided to kill the governor, so you were really just kind of reconfirming the choice with the chance cubes to then give HK the order to actually do it. Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): You still ordered a political assassination.

HUDSON (as Tink): It was decided. You heard Karma.

NICK: Kachadorian raises a finger.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Well, technically I ordered the assassination. You were following the instructions that I gave you, if that helps. You seem to be a little torn up about the situation. Well, not Tink and certainly not your droid, but the rest of you seem to have gotten a little bogged down in the moral implications.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mostly I just think that Tink should have thrown a gun at him first. I just feel weird about killing somebody who is unarmed, you know?

NICK (as Taan): I don’t usually agree with her, especially not lately, but she has a point. Tink, if you had just thrown a gun at him it would have been fine.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s all I had to do?

NICK (as Taan): Then he was armed!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You’ve never done that before?

CAMERON (as Karma): I… See, I don’t know necessarily if, like… [sighs] There were… By the time—

LILIT (as Xianna): No. If you throw a gun at somebody and they touch the gun, that means they are armed, and then if you kill them, that means it is self-defense and not murder.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh—No. Okay, so having someone holding a gun does not, like, it doesn’t automatically necessitate you shooting them in self-defense if they touch a gun.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I do feel the need to weigh in here as a leader of the Rebellion. Lawfulness and morality, not necessarily the same thing. That being said, great job killing that political person. It is great. The Empire is going to leave now. We are going to have no more problems. You have done a great thing murdering that, I assume based on your conversation, unarmed man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can I get more cucumber water?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Uh, yeah. The pitcher is right by you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Oh, okay.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I’m not going to pour it for you. I am a Rebellion Commander.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well fine, fancy-shmancy person.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so I don’t know. I highly doubt it that the Empire is just going to decide to call it a day and pack up all of their troops and head home. It would be lovely if it did work out that way for you, but I feel like there are going to be ripples from this, Colonel.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Where were your misgivings when we were talking about the original assignment?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I didn’t have misgivings about taking out the governor. I’m just saying I don’t think it is going to be as clean-cut as you’re saying of just well, I guess we’ve killed the governor, now they’ll give up.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I kind of thought you were assassinating the governor just for funzies. You know, to like make a point? Not because you thought the Empire would actually leave you all alone after that.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann. Funzies?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You know, when you do something for fun?

NICK (as Taan): Normally we do not launch suicide missions to highly fortified political fortresses for fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): It wasn’t a suicide mission.

NICK (as Taan): It sure looked like one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh…

NICK (as Taan): Look. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate your skill that you have developed over time. You clearly work well together and have bonded as almost a family, like me and my sister have not had a chance to. But, ugh, we were trying to make a major impact. Sure, the Empire may not just leave, but this could be a large Sabacc chip that when it falls over could start the process to freeing our people. This was not something we did as a hobby.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, no, that’s not what I was—I wasn’t saying at all that taking out the governor wasn’t going to have an impact like that. It just… I don’t think it’s as cut-and-dry as the colonel made it out to sound of just yep, they’re gonna leave now. I think it’s definitely a stepping point to continue moving forward in the battle against the Empire, but I don’t think you’re in any way probably done with getting them off of Ryloth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, there’s like an 80% chance you’re gonna have an orbital bombardment now. They fucking love doing those.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This may be true, but it is a risk we are willing to take for freedom of our people. Either way, we do appreciate everything you have done and I hope that you will consider us as potential allies in the future. We do appreciate you, sincerely. Thank you all. Just out of a personal curiosity, what are you going to do next? I know Endo attacked you and he was your main reason for being here. Great call on him being a traitor, by the way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh… thanks.

LILIT (as Xianna): I told you all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, real surprise on that one.

NICK (as Taan): yes, you said it, but he had a better track record than you, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): [indignant] No he did not!

NICK (as Taan): He has been helping us for years. You have abandoned us for years.

LILIT (as Xianna): I sent you money.

NICK: Taan’na just purses her lips together in a very thin line and looks to Colonel Kachadorian, and he shrugs, like obviously not interested in getting into that argument.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Well, either way. Regardless, we would love to be able to help you more, but besides offering you our sincere friendship we do not have much, I’m afraid. But, we are, like I said, very curious. Where are you going next?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. See, I’m very much disappointed that there was only one casualty on this mission and I’d like to make another one happen. Do y’all know? Like, it didn’t look like Endo had been camping out with y’all full-time. Do y’all know where his little group kind of set up base?

NICK: This is punctuated by HK charging his rifle with a [click-click, whir]. The colonel looks to Taan’na.

NICK (as Taan): We never really merged forces entirely so that theoretically if we were to finally lose this war Endo could escape. It was part of his agreement.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Taan): But we could give you a heading. We do know the general direction from which they come. I would imagine he is hulled up somewhere in a cave much like this one, perhaps smaller. But we could give you a direction and maybe you could track him down if that’s what you want to do. The fact that he attempted to kill me, and Xiann, does make me want to help you to eliminate the threat. As well as if you could regain our funds, that would be nice as well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like a plan to me.

NICK: So, Colonel Kachadorian takes out a large data pad that has a topographical map of the area. You can see from the size of the You Are Here X that it’s pretty zoomed out. He draws a dotted line with a stylus and then circles a couple of areas along the line at like 20, 40, and 80 kilometers out.

NICK (as Kachadorian): These would be my best guesses on where you could find them. Hopefully as you get closer either you could find some of their patrols or just stumble upon their base or track them in some other way. It sounded like you injured Endo pretty badly, so you might be able to catch him before he even runs to ground again. You can keep this, hopefully it helps. Please go with our blessing and with the hope of the Rylothi people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have any info on any ship he may have?

NICK (as Kachadorian): He was always very careful to approach us by ground.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I don’t have a lot of information, I’m afraid. He was very careful which in hindsight, considering he was betraying us and extending our conflict with the Empire for profiteering, does make sense.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t suppose any of his pirate buddies happened to stick around and are still here?

NICK (as Kachadorian): No. When he left they left. They went in opposite directions. His crew went along that line that we indicated. It’s our best hope. They often go in slightly different directions. This is what you might call an average of the headings that they took. They would spread in different directions, but I think this one is the most likely.

NICK: Taan’na, under her breath, says:

NICK (as Taan): That piece of shit!

NICK: You can tell she’s a lot more angry at Endo than she let on originally.

LILIT: Xianna’s just sighing and shaking her head in the background.

LILIT (as Xianna): [quietly] I could have told you that.

NICK: She almost turns towards you, Xianna, and you can see her ball her fists and hold them down at her sides and force herself to stay professional. HK has been standing by the wall.

NICK (as HK): Declaration: Now we hunt the most dangerous game of all, Endo.


NICK: We cut to you all standing at the entrance to the Rylothi Resistance base and the sun is blotted out of the sky by a low-flying, very large star destroyer. The ground begins to rumble as large turbo laser blasts begin to strike down on roads and infrastructure, destroying things seemingly at random. Clouds of TIE fighters are starting to come out of the landing bays and set up search patterns. Unfortunately, it looks like your guess about orbital bombardment and an Imperial crackdown was exactly correct.

Taan’na is standing next to you all—Kachadorian having wandered off—looking at the sky. She pulls her goggles down and she turns to the crew of the Afternoon Delight.

NICK (as Taan): Well, I still think it was worth it.

HUDSON (as Tink): You think they’re here because of us?

NICK (as Taan): Yes, I think they’re here because of us, Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): They must have had a star destroyer close.

NICK (as Taan): It must have been time for one of their patrols. They were in the area, but they won’t be leaving anytime soon. We’ll have to close the blast doors and try to wait it out. Hopefully the impact on the civilians won’t be too great. But… isn’t your ship in Lessu?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Yup.

NICK (as Taan): Are you still going to go after Endo?

CAMERON: Karma is just staring off into the middle distance in between where the path that Colonel Kachadorian had drawn for where we would need to go for following Endo and back towards Lessu and just looks really conflicted.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know about that anymore. Uh… what are we gonna do here?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know. I have some pretty neat shit on the ship still.

NICK (as HK): Sage Statement: Who can put a price on the life of a living being? It is priceless. We should take it from Endo.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] That went in a different direction than I was expecting, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, but my bedroom has a clap-down disco ball.

NICK: Is Creamsicle still on the ship?



LILIT: Xianna’s eyes get real wide as she says that and she opens up one of her pockets on her coat and looks in it.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Oh kriff. Creamsicle is also on the ship! Creamsicle is not in one of my pockets! Creamsicle has stolen the ship!

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait. Wait. Before you get in a tizzy, I know that I’ve been a magician this whole time, but I think I’m about to retire.

HUDSON: So, I remove my top hat and I stick my hand in and I say…

HUDSON (as Tink): Behold!

HUDSON: …and I pull out a loth-rat. … I look very confused.

LILIT: Xianna’s just staring at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, that is not Creamsicle. Was that supposed to be Creamsicle?

HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] Yeah…

CAMERON (as Karma): How long have you had a loth-rat in your hat?

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not even orange.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you’re right.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where did you get that loth-rat?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Have you had that this whole time?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it just hasn’t come up until now.

NICK: The loth-rat bites Tink on the hand.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

HUDSON: I throw it.


CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure you don’t want to let that run off. That’s gonna be an invasive species.

NICK (as HK): Statement: We are not even on Lothal. We are on Ryloth.

NICK: The loth-rat scurries out into the desert and under a rock.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, so Creamsicle’s on the ship.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. We have to go back to the ship. We’ll kill Endo some other time. Then it will be better, we will have more time to prepare. We can come up with some witty one-liners to say when we shoot him, or stab him, or cut his head off, or whatever we end up doing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like, it’s the Endo the line.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

LILIT: Xianna finger guns at Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Yeah…

NICK (as HK): I am prepared to help you with your Endoscopy.

CAMERON (as Karma): [bothered, lingering] Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no. No. That one… We’ll workshop it.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’ll workshop it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Yeah.


LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll open up a Space Word Doc.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK (as HK): I do not understand the emphasis on Creamsicle. There is another loth-rat right over there and—

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not the same loth-rat, HK!

NICK (as HK): That one was slightly bigger and therefore more valuable.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that one is certainly not trained to steal credits.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do think that, if we want to be able to get off of planet any time soon, heading back to the ship now probably is gonna be our best bet, because we can feign ignorance having wandered in from the desert if we run into any patrols.

NICK (as Taan): They are going to be on complete lockdown. I would say your best bet is to take the Imperial transport and try to blast your way through to the landing pad. They’ll be aimed in doing the investigation. You might be able to make it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Would y’all be okay with us taking the transport?

NICK: The camera pans over to the transport. It’s got blaster marks all over it. It’s not in prime condition by any means. There’s half-dried blood stains near the exit where the fighting happened originally.

NICK (as Taan): I think we could let it go. Consider it part of your payment for helping us before.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Well, we’ll try to do some more damage to the Empire on our way out I guess.

NICK: She grins toothily at you, Karma.

NICK (as Taan): I like you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you like me?

NICK (as Taan): I like you too, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as Taan): And I like you, HK.

NICK: She looks at Xianna for a second.

NICK (as Taan): So, I guess you better be going.

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s because you love me. You don’t just like me.

NICK (as Taan): [heavy sigh]

LILIT (as Xianna): You have to. I’m your sister.

NICK (as Taan): We don’t have time to get into this, but you can like and love someone at the same time. Right now I’m finding the need to choose one or the other, and I will pick love. I do love you, Xiann. Don’t make it another ten years, okay?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. I will make it eight years. We’ll slowly work our way down.

NICK (as Taan): [cheerfully] By the time we’re 100 we’ll see each other once a month.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh… no, I don’t think the math is gonna work out that way, actually. But, you have our com number, so…

NICK (as Taan): Okay. Well, be careful. Please protect my sister so she can make up for some of the harm she’s done.

NICK: Taan’na holds her arms out for a big hug.

HUDSON: We all go in for the hug.

CAMERON: [laughing] Karma doesn’t. Karma realizes it’s for Xianna.

HUDSON: [laughing] I said we all go in for the hug.

LILIT: [smiling] I’m sure Xianna goes in for the hug and then Tink just smooshes them all together.

LILIT (as Xianna): [strained] Tink, this hug was for me. This hug was not for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Oh… Oh. I just got the cues wrong. Sorry.

NICK (as Taan): One at a time. One at a time.

NICK: Tink drops the two of them. They finish their sisterly hug. There’s some head tail twitching in a quiet conversation. Then Taan’na holds her arms out and gives Tink a big hug. She does finger guns at HK because he’s not much of a hugger.

NICK (as Taan): Karma, it’s been very nice meeting you.

CAMERON (as Karma): You as well.

NICK (as Taan): Do you… Do you want a hug?

CAMERON: We fistbump. It’s very badass.

NICK (as Taan): Okay yes, fistbump. Thank you for the fistbump.


NICK: The next thing we see is the Imperial transport whizzing its way back across the desert towards Lessu. There are patrols spaced out around the perimeter of the cliff that Lessu is next to. You can see that there are several parked armored transports much like yours on either side of the bridge. Who’s driving, who’s navigating, and who’s in the gunner turret?

CAMERON: Does this transport just have the big gun up top?

NICK: Yeah, and it has slits for other guns. You can shoot out of it.


NICK: But it only has the one main cannon.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m driving!

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, you wanna get up top?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I will do the pew-pew.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, you cover the left side on the slits. I’ll take the right.

NICK (as HK): Inappropriate Joke: Do you think Xianna is compensating for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weary] No, I don’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s a good one, HK.


LILIT: Xianna pops her head back down out of the gunnery seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am compensating for your face!

NICK (as HK): Tink, do you have any repair kits? I have taken severe burning damage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, let me see. Wait, I retired.

NICK (as HK): That was a joke. That was a joke. Ha-ha-ha.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, hold on. I’m looking for a repair kit.

CAMERON (as Karma): In your hat? Really?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, but I’ve retired, so there’s nothing else in my hat.

NICK: Another loth-rat comes crawling out of the hat that’s sitting at the baseboard.


HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait—Actually, never mind.

NICK: So, the transport is whizzing along. Tink is piloting. Xianna is in the gunnery seat. On either side there are some window slits and Karma and HK are aiming out as you approach the main way. You get a coms hail when you’re still several hundred meters out. Do you answer it, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi! This is Tink.

CAMERON: Everyone facepalms.


NICK (as trooper): We do not recognize that designation. What is your soldier designation? Why are you approaching at speed?

HUDSON (as Tink): Roger that. Uh… uh, uh…

NICK (as trooper): Slow down and prepare for search. You are behaving inappropriately.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re ghosts~ No. We don’t… [stammers] You can’t search me, I’m a ghost~ Your hands would just go through me as you try to pat me down.

NICK (as trooper): … Do you think he’s actually a ghost, captain?

NICK (as captain): No, he’s not a ghost!

LILIT (as trooper): I don’t know, he might be a real ghost. Do you remember Jonathan? He said he saw a ghost last week, so could be real.

NICK (as trooper): Nobody listens to the reserve soldiers.

NICK: The coms call cuts out and they begin to shoot at you, even from a distance. Tink, I’m gonna need a Piloting (Planetary) check from you at hard difficulty.

HUDSON: Three successes and two threats.

NICK: So you don’t get shot, but they actually close ranks on the bridge so it is now blocked off by these two transports. Describe how you drive so that they don’t manage to shoot you.

HUDSON: I’m driving just full speed, shifting, swinging back and forth my vehicle to the beat of Barracuda.

NICK: [laughs, hums riff from Barracuda] Swerve-swerve… So, we see the ship doing a hard rock kind of swerve to dodge these lasers flying at you. Xianna, the only way you’re gonna get over this bridge is by blowing one of these transports into the canal below. I’m going to need a Gunnery check from you at hard difficulty with a black die because you’re being swerved all over the place.

LILIT: Can I aim?

NICK: You can have a blue die for aiming. [chuckles]

LILIT: I would like to flip a Destiny Point to get an upgraded die.

CAMERON: Flipped.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: That is a triumph, no success though, and three failures.

NICK: Huh. Well…

HUDSON: Oh wow, that is awful.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: You whiff really hard trying to shoot these transports, but something good happens.

CAMERON: You shoot something in front of the transports and it makes a ramp over them so we can jump them to get to the bridge. [laughs]


LILIT: Absolutely.

NICK: Okay. You line up your shot. The swerving is just too difficult to aim, but the cannon kicks even harder than you expected it to and it blows a large slab of stone up out of the ground and lands at a slant. Tink, you see that if you manage to gun it you might be able to just jump over this barricade and land on the bridge and make your way into the city. I’m going to need another Piloting check from you.

CAMERON: [giggling, sarcastic] This is safe.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: [indignant, astonished] Hard! [laughs]


NICK: That’s not because I said it, it’s just because this is a wild maneuver to attempt to do.

HUDSON: Can I get a blue die because I just told HK to leave his position, go to the back of the transport and turn the knob to turn on the NOS?

NICK: Um… So, if you flip a light side point there can be NOS.

HUDSON: Great. I’m flipping a light side point.


NICK: You can have like three blue dice for that because you’re also taking away one of your gunner’s positions to have him to hit a turbo button.

HUDSON: Turbo button is happening. Alright, here I go rolling. I got two advantages.

NICK: Well…

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: You fail. So, the advantages are you don’t die, which is nice.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yay.

NICK: You attempt to hit the ramp, hit it at a side, it causes you to spin out, and you smash into the barricade knocking these two speeders aside and sliding onto the front of the bridge, and your engine dies.

We get the shaky cam as everybody looks out the windows at where they are and there’s just hordes of stormtroopers walking towards you carefully and smoke is rising from your speeder. You’re gonna need to get that restarted or this run for the ship is gonna end a lot faster than you were expecting. I need a Mechanics check at hard difficulty.

HUDSON: You got it.

NICK: You can have a blue die because HK is helping.

HUDSON: One failure, one advantage. [laughs]

NICK: You connect some wires. There’s sparks, and a plume of smoke comes out of the dashboard of the speeder. You hear as you try to start it, it goes [gradual power loss sounds]

CAMERON: Karma has run to the back now and is looking out the slits along the back of it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tiiink?!

HUDSON (as Tink): [casually] Yeah? Huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tiiink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, it’s up!

CAMERON (as Karma): Why aren’t we moving?!

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… [stammers] This isn’t necessarily a computer, y’all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, well get it working.

CAMERON: Karma’s just taking potshots at stormtroopers as they approach.

LILIT (as Xianna): But you still know how to fix things. Fix it!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Let’s just say theoretically, everyone, what if I can’t?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Fix it!

CAMERON (as Karma): Nope. Do it!

HUDSON (as Tink): We need a Plan B…

NICK (as HK): Tink, do or do not, there is no try.

NICK: Karma, I need you to make a shooting roll at average difficulty and also HK will be making one as you both shoot out the back slits. Xianna, do you want to shoot at the people who are approaching?

LILIT: Yes I do.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Are there just people walking towards us or are the two speeders that were there also still shooting at us?

NICK: The two speeders are stuck. The turrets are starting to turn towards you, but this is just the…


NICK: It’s the shot of the stormtroopers looking hesitant walking towards you and then your blasters start shooting out.

CAMERON: Okay. Cool.

LILIT: For Xianna’s Gunnery check, that is one success, five advantages.

NICK: [laughs] Okay.

CAMERON: Karma’s got two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then HK is five successes and a threat.

NICK: Okay. With that, we see the zoomed out shot and then y’all’s turret is slowly grinding and turning towards the stormtroopers. Blaster fire starts to shoot out of the back hatch as HK and Karma open fire and hit quite a few stormtroopers. Four or five of them go down in the initial salvo. They start to shoot back and fall into cover. Xianna hits one with the large cannon, just turning him into little flecks of white plastic armor, but with all of those advantages it forces the rest of the stormtroopers down into cover and they begin to return fire.

You can see the armor on the inside of this transport starting to heat up under the lasers that are hitting it over and over again. Tink, make me another check to try to start the speeder. This one is average difficulty. You’re gonna wanna make this one. [laughs]

HUDSON: Do I get a blue die for anyone helping me?

NICK: No, they’re all shooting right now.

HUDSON: Four successes, one threat.

NICK: Great. So, describe how you’re able to get this thing started again and take off into the city?

HUDSON: I see if anyone’s looking at me and I spit in it and I hit it with my fist a few times.

NICK: [gradual power loss sounds, followed by rapid pickup and energized whooshing] The speeder lifts off the ground and fishtails a little bit, kicking up dirt even though it doesn’t have tires, and heads off across the bridge. You’re able to make it into the city. You’re dodging in and out of very thin roads. There’s stormtroopers at corners that shoot at you. They’ve all heard on the radio. Do you all congratulate Tink or anything?

LILIT: You do hear Xianna yell down from the gunnery seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink~

HUDSON (as Tink): It was nothing. It was easy-peasy.

NICK: Xianna, as you’re moving the turret to try to shoot at stormtroopers in these crossroads you see a pair of magneted stormtrooper boots clomp down on the roof of the speeder right in your viewport and too close for you to aim the turret at, and two stormtroopers start to move to stick their guns into the turret to shoot down into the ship.

LILIT: Xianna sees these stormtroopers lock down with their magnet boots. She’s like…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no.

LILIT: …and ducks, presses her back up against the wall so she’s right underneath the window, takes out a grenade and hooks it onto the armor of the closest foot through the window.

NICK: [laughs] You don’t have to roll for that. I think the tradeoff is that you hear…

NICK (as stormtrooper): Oh no! Grenade! Grenade!

NICK: …and then it explodes and blows a crater in the top of the speeder, ripping the turret off. It goes slamming down the road. One of the stormtroopers is stuck to it. The other one managed to get clear. But you see this big piece of wreckage that you’ve created smash into some stormtroopers that were chasing you on speeder bikes and they explode.

LILIT: Xianna laughs.

NICK: There is one stormtrooper still standing up top, and Xianna, you’ve dropped down into the main body of the speeder since your chair is now exploded. You are all kind of sitting ducks right now from the other stormtrooper.

HUDSON (as Tink): I can’t do nothing, y’all. I’m driving.

CAMERON: Yeah. I think Karma’s just been running and is at one of the front corners constantly just shooting as we approach crossroads and stuff, so doesn’t notice, until the explosion happens, when she turns around.

NICK: You lock eyes with the stormtrooper who’s on top of the speeder and you realize the only thing that you can do is get up there and fight him because you’re not gonna be able to shoot him from this angle, not without him hitting your friends.

CAMERON: Alright. I run up into what once was the gunner seat and pull myself through to the top and swing my gun around and pull out my vibro-sword.

NICK: We get this zoomed-out shot as the speeder comes skidding around a corner. We see the Afternoon Delight parked at a far distance at the Lessu Spaceport. This stormtrooper sees Karma draw their sword and the stormtrooper likewise slings their carbine onto their back and pulls out one of those stunny-whippy batons that they use in The Force Awakens.

CAMERON: No, he’s a cool badass stormtrooper. [chuckles]

NICK: Yeah. I’m going to need a melee attack against two purples and a red, Karma, and Tink, I’m going to need a—Oh, before you roll that though, Tink, I’m gonna need another drive check at hard difficulty as you try to navigate these narrow streets.

HUDSON: I have a success and a threat.

NICK: With the threat, Karma, your feet are a little unstable as this whips around and you don’t have magnet boots so you’ll have a black die on this.

CAMERON: Five successes and one threat.

NICK: Well, that guy’s hosed. Describe this well-choreographed fight scene on top of the speeder before you handily destroy this stormtrooper.

CAMERON: I think it’s a… There’s some fancy fencing going on for a little bit, but every time we turn a corner Karma slides in whichever direction we’re turning just because her boots aren’t sticking her to the roof in one place.

So, one of the times that we turn a corner it’s a particularly sharp, like, it’s more than a 90 degree turn, so she ends up slightly farther to the side than the stormtrooper’s expecting and is able to completely avoid the thwobbity-thwobbity as he swings it, and just the standard picture Olympic fencing move of her just diving in with one arm and just piercing through the armor.

NICK: We get the…

NICK (as stormtrooper): [pathetic pained shouting]

NICK: …as he’s impaled and his boots disengage and he slides off of the speeder. This armored speeder is in really bad shape as it comes coasting into the landing pad. There’s some more camera angles of HK and Xianna shooting out of the windows at pursuit, and it crashes and slides on the landing pad leaving shredded-up asphalt behind it. You all pile out and run up the ramp into the Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’ll get it started! HK, Xianna, can y’all get to the guns? I don’t think this is gonna be smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, let’s go-go-go!

HUDSON (as Tink): Y’all, y’all, y’all… I think I left my cape back at the base.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! Leave the cape. It does not matter. We will get you a new one.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no, we’d have to drive—

NICK (as HK): No-no, Boss Man is right.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, really?

NICK (as HK): Boss Man is right. That cape is important. Let’s go do it again.

LILIT (as Xianna): No. We have other capes, Tink. We will get you a new one. Let’s go!

HUDSON (as Tink): You promise?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Tink. This is not the time! Yes, I promise we will get you a new cape. Now let’s go!

CAMERON (as Karma): Just check the costume closet!

LILIT (as Xianna): We have so many capes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: You all have already taken off as you argue with Tink.

CAMERON: The ship starts to hover and slowly lifts off.

NICK: The landing ramp is closing up. HK is sliding into one of the seats and maneuvering the trackball to move the turret.

LILIT: Xianna’s spinning around in the gunner chair, Creamsicle sitting atop her head.

NICK: Yeah. There was a momentary reunion as Xianna ran in where Creamsicle was indeed on the ship. You can also see that some of the other ships in this landing pad have been exploded by turbo laser fire, so you’re glad you made it back before that happened. The ship lifts off, and I’m gonna need a Piloting (Planetary) check at hard difficulty to see if you can get out of these fighter screens.

CAMERON: Two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Nice. So, there are at least three flights of TIE fighters zeroing in on your location. You’re able to spiral your way through them without any issues. You don’t take any turbo laser fire from the flack pattern that’s raining down from this star destroyer when you’re below it or from the additional turbo lasers when you get above it. You’re able to rocket out into space. It’s very good.

The last thing you see is Xianna and HK plugging away at TIE fighters, having hit a couple, and the Afternoon Delight snaps into hyperspace with a blind jump to throw off any pursuit, and you’re in the lengthened-stars blue tunnel of safety as you rocket away from Ryloth and from Xianna’s sister and from the aftermath of your actions.

CAMERON: When you say it that way it feels like we’re fleeing because we did something wrong~

NICK: [laughs] There’s just repercussions, that’s all.

HUDSON: Tink walks over to where most of the crew is.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder what Endo’s up to.

HUDSON: And then there’s like a [wobbly sound] dream sequence or bubble that goes and shows what Endo’s doing.

NICK: Do you actually wanna see what Endo’s doing?

HUDSON: Yeah, sure.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: So, the camera, it goes [wobbly sound] and Tink’s just staring into space, and then there’s a swipe cut to Endo in a dark cave. He has a large freighter about the size of a YT-2400 but it’s all slanted angles and it’s painted mat black. There’s probably 10 or 15 pirates with him as he’s giving orders to pack up and go.

NICK (as Endo): There’s nothing left on this planet for us. Let’s go.

NICK: This ship takes off and it has active cloaking, so while you all are blasting your way out of orbit getting shot at by everyone this one just shimmers out of visibility and flies off the other direction. You can see Endo sitting in a captain’s chair looking really upset while a pirate in medical clothing is wrapping his wounds in bacta and gauze, bandaging him up for the next fight. He’s grumbling to himself and talking about his revenge, and we cut back to the Afternoon Delight.

CAMERON (as Karma): What are you staring at, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh? Oh… Uh, nothing, just thinking. Why? What are you staring at?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, you just like were talking and then just looked off and got silent. I was just making sure you were alright.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t know. I just… I feel kinda funny.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you didn’t get into those cookies that I keep in my room, did you?

HUDSON (as Tink): No. No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we’ve had this discussion before. You can’t eat those cookies. They are special cookies just for me.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Tink, you hear a familiar voice echoing as though from a far distance.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, you must listen to me. You must go to Mandalore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore…?

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): What? Mandalore?

LILIT: Man lore? [giggles]

HUDSON: There’s no man lore.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): I just got this… voice in my head that’s telling me to go to Mandalore.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, seek out Nyx.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. The voice now said Stevie Nicks?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait, a voice in your head? Shit. Tink, did you touch those stickers?

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I didn’t touch the stickers.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’re not supposed to touch them! Don’t eat them either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Wait, I was wrong. Seek out Nyx.

NICK (as Sentinel): They are a Jedi Seeker.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re a Jedi Seeker.

NICK (as Sentinel): One that I trained with long ago. They will help you find pieces of the Shattered Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait. They just sent me a long message. Hold on, all.


HUDSON (as Tink): Alright… They’re a Jedi. They’re a Jedi and they got trained… They have the—Wait. The pieces of the Force are with them.

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore~

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore?

NICK (as Sentinel): Mandalore…

HUDSON (as Tink): Mandalore~

LILIT: Xianna is rummaging around in her room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! One of these cookies has a gigantic bite taken out of it.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it was Creamsicle.

LILIT (as Xianna): Creamsicle’s mouth is not this big. This absolutely is your size. Half the cookie is gone. Tink, we talked about this. These are not normal cookies!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just saying, it was just this very familiar voice in my head telling me that we need to go to Mandalore for the Jedi, for Nyx the Jedi. The Jedi Nyx.

CAMERON (as Karma): So… was it Sentinel?

HUDSON (as Tink): Maybe…?

NICK: Who? [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): It was a familiar voice trying to get us to go see a Jedi? That… Can you send voice messages with the Force?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m guessing you can. There’s a lot of things you can do with the Force.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. The Force works in mysterious ways. I know that.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, one time I ate one of these cookies and the news was on and I swear to the Force that I thought the Emperor was inside my kitchen making me spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): That doesn’t sound right.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t really picture Palpatine as the homemaking type.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, turns out I had broken into somebody else’s house and they were making spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I really, really did thought it was the Emperor Palpatine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you get any spaghetti or did they like scream when they noticed that you were in their house?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, they gave me some spaghetti.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well that was nice of them. Alright, so we’re going to Mandalore?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re going to Mandalore!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I guess we are just going to trust Tink’s weird drug vision.

HUDSON (as Tink): [grumpy] It wasn’t a drug vision.

CAMERON (as Karma): Computers aren’t working?

LILIT (as Xianna): Then where did my cookie go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you think I really just got on the ship and had a cookie?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, who else did? HK can’t consume food.

HUDSON (as Tink): He can too.

NICK (as HK): I can consume food out of spite, I just receive no benefit from it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): I did not eat the cookie.

LILIT (as Xianna): I do not think it was Karma. Karma, did you eat half of this special cookie over here?

CAMERON (as Karma): No I did not.

LILIT (as Xianna): Without asking me. That was hidden inside of my room.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well Xianna, Xianna… [musically, cheerful] Someone stole a cookie from the cookie jar. Who me? Not me! [flatly] Not me.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode.


ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: Geez.

HUDSON: I’m okay ending on that.

LILIT: Post-credit theme. Xianna’s holding the cookie and she slowly starts turning her head and looking at Sabos’s room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is the ship haunted? Did Sabos’s ghost eat this cookie?


NICK: Ba-naaa~!

OTHERS: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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