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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Bonus Episode
Ghozt Hunterz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, Nick here, jumping in at the start of the episode to let you all know that, due to various and widespread personal things going on for the squad, we’re taking a couple of releases off from the main show to get caught up on life stuff. But not to worry, in place of our normal release we’re going to be presenting GHOZT HUNTERZ, our own little audio drama set in-universe. It’s a blast.

This is some content from Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, our Patreon feed. If you like what you hear and you haven’t tried it already, I recommend supporting us monthly through Patreon. At the $5 level you get access to a lot more content like this as well as movie and show reviews and supplementary stories to the main plot. It’s a ton of fun.

We’ll be back to normal releases after we get everything back in order. Now, please enjoy GHOZT HUNTERZ!

##

LILIT: They say that when the spirits of the recently deceased do not move on and merge with the Force that they become ghosts: malevolent spirits that haunt the living. Our goal is to find these ghosts and prove their existence.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I’m Chuck Vortex, former bounty hunter and ghost-catcher extraordinaire. I’mma wrap ‘em and sack ‘em.

CAMERON (as Myra): I’m Myra Flash, a graduate student at Coronet University, and I’m here to perform research for my thesis, ‘Use the Force Ghost: Learning from Our Ancestors.’

NICK (as Phillip): I’m Phillip Laser, galactic businessman and philanthropist, here to prove that ghosts aren’t real and help people to move on… for a profit.

LILIT: Today on Ghozt Hunterz… we investigate the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility, a now abandoned prison built into the mountainsides on the remote planet of Kajim.

It was originally a small fortified settlement built by the local population but was later seized and turned into an army outpost. A few years after that it became a high-security prison that would become famous for housing political prisoners and the sector’s most violent offenders. The prison was shut down after a massive riot that resulted in a handful of deaths and numerous disappearances.

We interview Wiald Textabo’ok for more information.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): [yawns] Yeah, well this particular settlement was founded 8,000 years ago. The original population had built a fortified wall around the city to protect against the now extinct hyperfauna. Built on an expansive catacombs and cave systems in the mountains, it was seized to be used by the Old Republic. The prison was around 150 acres with 10,000 prisoners. Over 100 prisoners have died on this site.

NICK (as Phillip): Um, Wiald … This, uh, 100 prisoners out of 10,000 at any given time, that actually sounds like a pretty good track record. Why do you think the place is haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Ooh yes, you could say they were definitely giving each other… What is it the common folks do? …high fives all around at that type of track record. But, I would say that although it was only 100 listed there may have been more that were unreported as they have found one, to five, to ten mass graves after it was shut down.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you mentioned that there are a lot of cave systems under the mountain. Was that incorporated into the prison?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So you know how I talked about the one to five to ten mass graves? They actually needed something to do with them, so they got together in a committee and on that day they decided to make a tourist attraction where you could go into the mountain and maze about the catacombs and see the dead bodies.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So uh, Wiald , tell us about the most notorious criminal at this prison.

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Well, um… you could say that possibly the most notorious criminal at this prison was Dapper Dan the Flaming Man. He was known as the Flaming Man because he had a bit of a bent toward pyrotechnics if you will. Before being taken to prison he worked as a pyrotechnics engineer at many major events and concerts, but then all things went bad after his wife left him. He started using his powers for evil and he was later arrested for grand arsony.

Inside the prison he was known as Flaming because he would literally light his arms on fire and wave them around, similar to a windmill, as he went to attack the guards. That ultimately led to his demise because you can only do that a certain number of times and get away with it.

NICK (as Phillip): Dr. Textabo’ok, what would you say their funding level was at towards the end of this building’s tenure as a prison? Were they well-funded or had the Empire abandoned them financially?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): So financial records of the prison are very scarce, mind you, but there are some recorded events of various fundraisers and other kinds of nontraditional funding routes they had to go to. You could say the Empire certainly abandoned them at one point. The lemonade sale did not go as planned as there was arsenic integrated into the lemonade that was being sold and many got ill.

I would also like to add that their GoFundMe made record lows and contributions… I did not even know that you could do record low contributions for a GoFundMe. If you look at their GoFundMe page, no one got refunded and their reward tiers were actually pretty awful if you look at it.

I would say that “Tour of the Prison…” the different tiers that people who contributed to the GoFundMe could attain were very abysmal such as the Make Your Own Prison Suit level. There was also a level where you could stay at the prison for a year which no one took up on. There was also a year’s supply of prison food. All of this, just terrible ideas. Historians look back and say altogether it was a terrible, terrible idea.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now Wiald , you need to be straight with me here. Now do you think this prison’s haunted?

HUDSON (as Wiald ): Oh my. Well, um… As a historian I need to, um, not necessarily be in the, uh… I uh, don’t… I… It’s haunted! It just is, it’s just haunted, man! It’s just haunted. [shaken, sobs]

LILIT: Stories about the possible ghosts at the facility have circulated for years. Some say they are the spirits from the original settlement which supposedly buried their dead in the caves within the mountains. Others say they are the ghosts of prisoners who have died over the years. There are even those who claim the ghosts had a role in the riot that contributed to the facility’s closing.

Prisoners and guards alike reported strange activity in the week leading up to the terrible riot. Ominous noises, supplies going missing, and cold spots were all reported. Many claim to have seen the ghostly handprints of a child on cell doors and heard quiet laughter from within the walls.

Was a spirit trying to warn people of the impending calamity or was it trying to incite violence out of vengeance for its resting place being disturbed? We will now talk with a former janitor at the facility.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Yeah, well my name is Marpazine and I was the janitor at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility for 18 and a half years. I called it *KRIF* for short. Oh, you’re gonna have to bleep that, aren’t you? Or do you get to  not bleep it because it is just technically the hyphenation or abbreviation of the *K-R-I-F*?

{*intentionally poorly censored*}

NICK (as Phillip): We’re gonna have to bleep you spelling it, too.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh. What’s the rating on this show?

NICK (as Phillip): E-5. It actually is on a children’s network. So, how long did you work at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Eighteen and a half years. I was one day away from retirement when the riot happened. It was an unfortunate situation, and because of a weird legal loophole I did not receive my pension. I did steal many crates of toilet paper, though, so in a way I think I did break even.

NICK (as Phillip): And did you survive the riots?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I’m about 98% positive that I did. However, I saw that one movie, and sometimes ghosts don’t know they’re dead. They’re just walking around living their life. That could be me. Not sure yet. But uh, I eat a bowl of oatmeal every morning for breakfast and I don’t think ghosts can eat oatmeal.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You sound like a straight shooter there, Tex.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The name is Marpazine, not Tex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Marpazine, I apologize. Marpazine, tell it to me straight. What was these ghosts’ demeanors and what was their dietary restrictions? We’ll be bringing food to them to attract them.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well, I would say most of the ghosts that I encountered were friendly in nature, especially the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

LILIT (as Marpazine): The baby ghost mostly just liked to leave sticky handprints on walls and cell doors. I did occasionally find a few baby handprints with blood. It was indeed Human blood. I don’t think it had any connection to those guards that never showed up for work. I think it was just the baby ghost trying to communicate with me.

Not that I made this decision, but shortly before the handprints of blood showed up they did switch out the marmalade in the morning for breakfast from grapefruit to orange, and I think the ghost was just trying to show its displeasure of that situation.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, I see, I see.

LILIT (as Marpazine): As far as dietary restrictions… again, I think the ghost did not like the change in marmalade. I believe the ghost was alright with apple juice. That is actually how I learned the name of the baby ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): What’s the name? What’s the name?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Well you see, most people will just refer to it as “the baby ghost” on account of the very tiny, tiny little baby handprints it leaves. If you’ve seen photos of them, they are quite tiny and you will recognize them. That’s how we knew it was indeed a ghost as none of the prisoners at the time had hands small enough. Even some of the smaller prisoners like the Chadra-Fan didn’t have hands that small.

But you see, I know that the baby ghost’s real name is Franadoo, because one day I was cleaning up some spilled apple juice in the cafeteria and a wind came through and the apple juice leaked out everywhere and spelled it out. That’s how I learned its name.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Thank you much.

NICK (as Phillip): Can I get that name one more time?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Franadoo.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh yes, a classic naming… name.

LILIT (as Marpazine): Uh-huh. That’s why I think the baby ghost is a spirit from the original settlement that this prison was built upon. I think it is, while mostly a benevolent entity, I do think it holds some amount of resentment for its city being taken over and destroyed.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah. With them babies, you know, what you can usually do is you get a little mobile. You put it above their little head and you spin it around, it does a little bit of a jingle-jangle song, and it just goes right to sleep. Have we tried that on the baby ghost?

LILIT (as Marpazine): I did not, however in the week leading up to the riot a lot of weird supplies went missing including things like keys, so you know, it’s possible that the baby ghost took those to build its own mobile.

CAMERON (as Myra): Have you had any interactions with maybe some of the other ghosts that are reported to be here that maybe are older ghosts? Meaning like the ghost’s age not like how long they’ve been a ghost. And like how they’ve interacted with the prison? I know that there were older ones.

LILIT (as Marpazine): So the majority of my interactions were with the baby ghost. Sometimes you’d just be swiping up vomit in a hallway and you’d hear some tiny little laughter coming out of a vent. You know, I think that was the ghost laughing at me. But, on occasion, I think I did interact with some of the adult ghosts.

There was one that would sometimes just come up to me and say hello, and I didn’t even know it was a ghost for quite some time until I later learned that the prisoner never existed. And that’s when I knew that I had convened with a spirit.

NICK (as Phillip): Where do you find, in your log career at the prison, where have you found the highest concentration of ghostly activity?

LILIT (as Marpazine): So I found the highest concentration of ghostly activity was around the library and in a lot of the hallways connecting the library and in quite just the general area of the southern cell block.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ve heard reports of numerous manifestations. Which are the most common? You mentioned small baby handprints. Did you feel cold spots? Were there objects moved unexpectedly?

LILIT (as Marpazine): Oh yeah, that stuff all happened, especially if I was in the library. Sometimes I would lean some cleaning equipment up against one of the walls or against one of the big vents and then I’d come back a few minutes later and it would have all been moved.

And occasionally, you’d be in a hallway, suddenly you would just get a blast of cold air. It was quite alarming at first, but based on the just miniscule little handprints you would see around I do think that it was meant to be playful in nature and not antagonistic.

LILIT: During the fateful riot, prisoners got ahold of Mandalore cocktails causing a fire that burned down much of the facility. Eight people died and numerous others went missing including the warden.

When interviewed later, some of the prisoners claimed a purple Twi’lek by the name of Xianna was the one who supplied the Mandalore cocktails. Our research did indeed find a criminal by that name. However, imperial records state that she had died nearly a year previously and the Kajim prisoner logs have no record of a purple Twi’lek during that time.

We now interview a former guard of the prison.

NICK (as HK): Hello. My designation is HK-67, but you can call me HK-67. I was a prison guard for several weeks at the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility before the closing of the facility after the fateful riot.

CAMERON (as Myra): So you were only a guard for a few weeks prior to? How much ghostly activity did you experience during that time?

NICK (as HK): I did not experience any ghostly activity because ghosts do not exist. While the Force does work in mysterious ways it is mostly focused through the blood of organics and I did not see very much blood of organics that would manifest itself as ghosts or spirits.

CAMERON (as Myra): Um… what about the bloody baby handprints?

NICK (as HK): Excuse me, I must have misheard. Are you referencing particular handprints and their relative size?

CAMERON (as Myra): Yes. The janitor and our researchers said that there’s a baby ghost and it left bloody handprints around the prison. Did you not… Did that not happen while you were there?

NICK (as HK): Xianna! I can hear you laughing from backstage, Xianna.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa! Whoa, is there a ghost? I’m feeling a reading. I’m feeling a reading, y’all. You just referenced one of the ghosts, Xianna, the one who doesn’t exist. [stammers] They don’t have record of them being here, but they’re here, you’re saying it.

NICK (as HK): I now have a better understanding of this interaction. Allow me to start over. Yes, I was terrified. I only worked there a short time but saw many manifestations. I especially heard sounds that could only be generated by a spirit, sounds that went like woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo… woo-woo.

NICK (as Phillip): Guard HK-67, what did you find that convinced you that there were spirits in this facility?

NICK (as HK): Oh yes, there were numerous disappearances and a spectral purple Twi’lek who got up to all kinds of mischief especially in the library and the southern cell block. That Twi’lek was obviously a ghost and surprisingly good at volleyball.

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I think if… if the ghost was interacting with objects, I believe it’s a poltergeist.

NICK (as HK): You are correct. It is either a poltergeist or a phantasm.

CAMERON (as Myra): Okay. Yes.

NICK (as HK): In fact, that purple ghost, which in no way resembles a living being, is probably responsible for the brutal murder and disappearance of several of the guards before the riots. You should see how big that ghost’s hands are. They are so small. Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha… ha-ha-ha-ha.

HUDSON (as Chuck): So you’re saying there was some disappearances from the guards. Now that’s very fishy. How do you link that up with the ghost doing it, though? Wouldn’t a normal ghost just fly right through them if they tried to stab them with a ghost knife?

NICK (as HK): Unfortunately, I am not a ghostologist. I do not know the various definitions of ghosts and their capabilities. However, I would say that these guards were particularly susceptible to being beaten with their own stun rifles until they died… I would guess, from happenstance. But there were numerous handprints, large intimidating handprints all around the scenes that would indicate some sort of large and dangerous being committed these crimes.

Who told you that the ghost was a baby? Who told you that the handprints were tiny? Tell me immediately. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me.

CAMERON (as Myra): Uh, well so, Wookieepedia says—

NICK (as HK): Who edited Wookieepedia? Have you interviewed anyone else? Please give me their names and addresses.

CAMERON (as Myra): It looks like it was updated by StarDestroyer1?

NICK (as HK): Son of a *kriff.*

CAMERON (as Myra): [nervously] Oh, we’re gonna have to bleep that.

NICK (as HK): Tink… I can see you backstage, Tink. Tink, why did you bring me here? This is humiliating.

CAMERON (as Myra): Something may be wrong with this droid. It keeps talking to people who aren’t here. Either that or this room is really haunted.

LILIT: The Ghozt Hunterz will now spend the night in the remains of the prison hoping to interact with the spirits that live there and find out more.

NICK (as Phillip): Well, my first plan is to go to the basement of the prison, through the catacombs, and attempt to make contact with the, air quotes, “spirit.” Obviously, if you can’t find anything in the most haunted-suggested part of the prison that will help us to disprove this haunting from the beginning. I’ll be bringing this large flashlight with very low batteries and several black and white night vision cameras to catch any motion.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil! Phil! Hey Phil. Yo, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, what’s up?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now I saw you got some equipment right there, but do you have and/or need The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought we already agreed that you’re going to be using The Vortex up in the cells.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, it needs multiple people around it to get a, you know, really get the energy of the room. It needs all the cameras on it, too.

NICK (as Phillip): I guess you could come with me to the tunnels if you want, but—

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now for those viewers who don’t understand what The Vortex is, it is a state of the art piece of equipment I built myself. It is similar to an industrial size vacuum cleaner however it’s been modified to catch ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): Tell the audience how exactly the modifications work.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the modifications work as such. I put in a ghost-finding crystal on the inside of the vacuum. It’s pretty high-tech stuff. It’s really hard to—I don’t have enough time really to sit here and explain it to everybody. So yeah, it usually tells me, it usually glows when we’re near a ghost. I mean, it glows when we’re not near a ghost too, but it’s a different kind of glow. You gotta use it for a while to kind of get the feel of it, you know? … So looks like I’ll be going with you, Phil.

NICK (as Phillip): Sounds good. You know what really makes sense is to go off as a group and leave one of us alone, at night, in this large facility.

CAMERON (as Myra): I think that makes total sense.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ah, so you’re volunteering. Great work!

CAMERON (as Myra): Well my plan was to go to the library because that’s where the janitor said that there was the most activity, so…

HUDSON (as Chuck): You look like you wanna go to the library, nerd. Ha!

CAMERON (as Myra): I mean, I may as well see what they’ve got while I’m here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Study up, I guess.

NICK (as Phillip): Don’t forget to bring this spirit box. If the ghost activity is high, it will say words that are relevant to the investigation.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yep. Got that, got my glow rod where I’ve loosened the back almost all the way so that just the barest, like, the smallest tap will turn this light on so I can communicate with the ghosts, and I’ve got my audio recorder, and I’ve got all of my cameras, so I think we’re good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, you’re not good.

CAMERON (as Myra): We’re not good.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You’re missing a vital piece of equipment. That’s just a vital piece of equipment.

CAMERON (as Myra): I thought you were taking The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No-no-no, I am taking The Vortex. That’s not the—I mean, okay, that is a vital piece of equipment. I’m talking about another vital piece of equipment.

Alright, this is the Dual UV Flashlight of Awesomeness. What I did was I took two regular flashlights and two UV flashlights and I formed them in a cross and I put some tape around them in the middle so that you can both use it as a weapon and, with just a flick of the wrist, go from regular flashlight to UV flashlight in two different directions. It’s called omnidirectional. It’s kind of advanced science stuff, you know.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckling] But did you attach a crystal to it?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Listen. Sounds like you might be making fun of me there, Tex, but no, I did not attach a crystal to this. It does not require a crystal, it just requires some batteries that are very well-charged as long as, uh… I didn’t leave it on last night. It should be pretty charged.

LILIT: We now join Myra in the library.

CAMERON (as Myra): Alright, so I’ve got all of my cameras set up and I’ve got the lights turned off, so… Um, hello! My name is Myra. Um… I just, I’m here if you’d like to talk. I’m just gonna sit over here on this table. I brought this glow rod with me. It’s… You can just tap the back of it and it’ll light up. If you have anything you’d like to communicate, it’s there. And… I’m listening, alright? I am turning on the spirit box.

[static distortion begins]

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh!

LILIT (as spirit box): [clipped speech]

CAMERON (as Myra): Hello?!

LILIT (as spirit box): [still incomprehensible, more cutting through the static]

CAMERON (as Myra): Is someone here with me?

LILIT (as spirit box): Arby’s. … We got the meat.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh my gosh. Hopefully I’m picking all of this up on audio.

[spirit box static ends]

LILIT: It was at this moment that Myra’s flashlight rolled off of the table and turned off.

[a thud and a tumble]

CAMERON (as Myra): [gasps] Oh my gosh… Did you turn that off? If you turned that off, flash the flashlight twice, and if you didn’t turn it off, flash the flashlight once.

LILIT: Myra’s flashlight then flashed three times.

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… So, was that… Is that a yes to the first question of if you made it light up the first—or go out the first time? Or… is it a no, that wasn’t you, but now you can communicate?

LILIT: When we played back our footage and slowed it down you can see in the bottom of the screen a brief flicker. We believe this was the ghost clarifying Myra’s question. We now join Phil and Chuck in the catacombs.

HUDSON (as Chuck): It’s musty down here.

NICK (as Phillip): It’s a catacombs, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): If I was a ghost I wouldn’t want to be around here. Why are we looking here?

NICK (as Phillip): Well, everyone knows a ghost doesn’t have any sense of smell. Help me set up these cameras.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): There, that was easy. Now we wait. … Hello. We want to communicate with you.

NICK: Phil rolls his eyes.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright now, I’m gonna warm this thing up. Okay?

HUDSON: I turn on the vacuum and it makes a huge noise.

[vacuum sounds almost overpower the speech]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright. How, uh… How—Can you hear me? Hey, Phil, can you hear me?

NICK (as Phillip): What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): [stammers] Can you hear me over The Vortex?

NICK (as Phillip): It’s nice of you to ask, but I’m not interested in having sex right now.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No! No Phil, no. No Phil… I—

NICK (as Phillip): [indignant] Why not?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, I—I…

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[laughter, vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): No. What the hell, Phil? I was talking about could you hear me over The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): What? I couldn’t hear you… Yeah, I couldn’t hear you over The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Okay, I thought—

NICK (as Phillip): Why? What did you hear?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I… [stammers] I heard a very unwanted advance is what I heard.

NICK (as Phillip): [chuckles nervously] Ah, that’s funny. [forced seriousness] Maybe it was the ghost.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh…

[a cloud of bats whooshes by]

NICK (as Phillip): Ah!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Whoa, ah! Whoa, what was that?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, I think those were bats.

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, no-no, I mean it could be bats or it could be the ghost of bats. We weren’t close enough to tell.

NICK (as Phillip): Well you turned The Vortex off. How is it supposed to protect us from the ghost bats?

HUDSON (as Chuck): No, okay, here’s a common misconception. The Vortex doesn’t protect, it captures. It wraps ‘em and sacks ‘em, if you will, once it gets inside The Vortex.

NICK (as Phillip): That is what your tattoo says.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Yeah, wrap ‘em and sack ‘em. It’s what my tattoo does say. I am very, very proud of it. I actually am in the process of trademarking that phrase right there, so…

LILIT: It is at this moment that Phillip’s flashlight also turns off.

NICK (as Phillip): Ah! Who could have predicted this would happen?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro, bro, bro… Bro, are you feeling cold right now? I’m feeling so cold.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I could see my breath if I could see at all, but it’s so dark down here.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Bro! Bro! It’s just so cold right now. I feel like I’m in Hoth, just in the snow, just doing like snow angels and I’m drinking a slushy and I’m getting bombarded with just icy icepacks. That’s how cold I feel, man.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa, did you feel that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah, yeah, definitely. Hey camera guy, did you get that? Camera guy, did you get this?

NICK (as Phillip): I thought I felt a hand on my shoulder. Was that you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… who’s to know?

LILIT: The crew’s temperature reading showed that the caves were 11 degrees Celsius when they first entered. At this time the temperature reading is showing 10 Celsius.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wow… Wow, look at that drop. Man, we got real data behind this now. We’re gonna bring this back and everyone will believe me—I mean, believe us.

NICK (as Phillip): Are you there?! … Will you communicate with us? Will you leave us alone?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Where are you?

[eerie winds and faint ghastly wails]

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Ooh, oh!

NICK (as Phillip): Did you hear that?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh man, was that—Are you the baby ghost? Do I need to bring you applesauce? What do you desire, baby ghost?

[the winds whistle]

NICK (as Phillip): This is getting too real. I signed up for this just to be on the Holonet and this is… We gotta get out of here. I’m freaking out!

HUDSON (as Chuck): This is what I live for, baby!

NICK (as Phillip): Turn The Vortex back on! It’s gotta catch it. Rack ‘em and sack ‘em the ghost!

HUDSON: I turn The Vortex on.

[vacuum sounds return]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Do you wanna have sex later?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): What? What was that? What did you say?!

NICK (as Phillip): Do you want to have sex later?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Better not be asking me if I wanna have sex.

NICK (as Phillip): … What?!

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you—

HUDSON: I turn off The Vortex.

[vacuum sounds end]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Did you ask me if I wanted to have sex later?

NICK (as Phillip): No, I asked is that The Vortex.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Alright.

NICK (as Phillip): Look, if you want to… I felt this too. If you wanna do something just say something.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Um, yeah, I felt the cold in the room. That’s what I felt. You felt the cold in the room?

NICK (as Phillip): Yeah, I definitely felt some… electricity.

HUDSON (as Chuck): I don’t think there’s any power down here in the catacombs.

NICK (as Phillip): What’s the EMF reader say?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. Let me get that. Ooh, it’s off the charts! [whispering] I don’t know. How do you read one of these? Hey…?

NICK (as Phillip): Uh, is it beeping?

[“EMF reader” beeps several times, getting more frequent]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, it’s beeping. That’s a good sign here. Aw man, oh, just that baby ghost sniffing out to get in The Vortex, just sniffing around, crawling on its hands and feetsies. … Alright, this could be ghosts. It could also be, uh… some off-hand cell signals, but it’s probably a ghost.

NICK (as Phillip): I think I’ve got the flashlight working again. Quick, help me look for any small handprints.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Wait. Is that a handprint?

NICK (as Phillip): Oh, that looks like a handprint!

LILIT: The crew was able to take photos of a wall in the catacombs. There are indents in the wall that are “possibly” baby hands.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh… I mean, it’s either baby hands or a rat who smooshed its paw in the wall. But still, it’s probably a ghost.

LILIT: We brought these photos to experts for them to analyze and the results were inconclusive.

NICK (as expert): It’s a rat. I mean, it’s inconclusive.

NICK (as Phillip): Look! Look! If you hold the flashlight up against the wall, like this, against these bumps here, it makes a shadow that kind of looks like a baby’s handprint.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make an eagle. Hey look at this, I can make a little kangaroo.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Chuck): Hey look at this, I can make a little elephant. Ha! Look at this.

NICK (as Phillip): Whoa~! It’s like a ghost of various animals.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, no, that’s just my hands, buddy.

NICK (as Phillip): Oh… okay. We gotta get out of here. This is freaking me out.

LILIT: The crew has survived the night in the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility. We join them in the morning now that they have all met up with each other.

NICK (as Phillip): Myra, it’s good to see that you made it.

CAMERON (as Myra): Yeah. I didn’t feel any malicious presence in the library.

NICK (as Phillip): [relieved] Oh…

CAMERON (as Myra): It was very welcoming.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh.

NICK (as Phillip): We felt some malicious presence alright. Tell her, Chuck.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh yeah. We got some cold temperatures. We got some winds going around. It was basically all up in our face. It was almost too much. I think The Vortex couldn’t handle it, almost, but it can because it’s a great tool, but almost, almost couldn’t handle it.

NICK (as Phillip): We heard banging in the distance and, we’ll have to review the audio, but I could have sworn I heard “get out~”

HUDSON (as Chuck): I, uh… you know, our EMF reader was just going off the charts. Like I said, just wind smack you right in the face, just kick you off your feet. You just felt a presence, you know? Like something beyond this world.

NICK (as Phillip): A real connection.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I would say that there is a connection, you know, between the other side and this world, but that’s about the only connection I felt down there.

NICK (as Phillip): [disappointed] Oh… well, I can take a hint. Just like these ghosts could take a hint and left so many interesting evidential pieces behind, like these pictures of baby hands that we took. I can’t wait to get them developed and enhanced.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Myra, what about you?

CAMERON (as Myra): So, I’m pretty sure that I didn’t encounter the baby ghost, but I definitely—based on what I was hearing from the spirit box—I feel like I was interacting with the ghost of a teenage boy.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Oh, like about how old?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, um… hard to say really. There’s really a wide range in there where it would have applied.

There was one moment when I did get very cold, but then I realized that the air conditioner was still running, so I think it was that. It had just come on. I did notice that there was a slight increase in the base room noise when that happened, so I don’t think that one was supernatural. We will have to review the footage to make sure that they lined up exactly, but I’m pretty sure that one was mundane.

NICK (as Phillip): We’ll have to wait until we hear back from the lab when they analyze the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Phil, you’re sounding less and less like a skeptic to me. After this experience, what do you have to say?

NICK (as Phillip): I definitely felt a spirit down there and it was coming for us and I’m just glad we got out when we did. I, um… I’m definitely a believer now. Um… I think I may stay in the production van at the next site, just help with the footage.

HUDSON (as Chuck): Now, I don’t know if all of y’all know this, and I did get permission from the producer’s before going through with this, so just hey producers, cut this in here… Alright. I have made a dedication song to the baby ghost that I am releasing on my Bandcamp, SoundCloud, iTunes, Spotify, wherever you get your music except on physical CD. So, here is my tribute to the baby ghost.

“FaracknadI wanna see you~”

That’s all you’re gonna get. You gotta buy the whole song, sorry about that, but it’s a killer song.

NICK (as Phillip): Why didn’t you sing that when we were in the presence of the baby ghost?

HUDSON (as Chuck): I mean…

CAMERON (as Myra): You know, sometimes it takes time to really let the inspiration sink in and have that creativity flow.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, the baby ghost would have just been too flattered. It would have been shy and just kinda ran away. I wanted it to come to us. It’s a dedication song, it doesn’t need to be to the dedicator.

NICK (as Phillip): Have you investigated the special vortex ghost-catching apparatus, or as it would be called on a more normal device, the bag vacuum to see if there’s any ghosts stuck in the bag?

HUDSON (as Chuck): Well, the crystal was rattling and rattling around in there. It might have just not been set properly before. I didn’t catch any ghosts this time, but you know, it has its good days and has its bad days.

NICK (as Phillip): So final thoughts? Having felt the presence of a murderous child spirit, Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is haunted. What do y’all think?

CAMERON (as Myra): Oh, it’s 100% haunted.

HUDSON (as Chuck): You know, first I was convinced it was haunted, and I’m still convinced it was haunted. It’s haunted, y’all.

LILIT: No matter your thoughts on whether the Kajim Regional Incarceration Facility is indeed haunted the rumors will certainly continue to speculate for many years. Join us next time on Ghozt Hunterz.

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 30:
Close Up Magic

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 30 of Tabletop Squadron! The squad is assembled and the time is now. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ I’m Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing a riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

CAMERON: [chuckles] named Tink.

HUDSON: Named Tink.

LILIT: Oh shit, I got the wrong character sheet!

[laughter]

NICK: Yep, that’s for our home game, Hudson. That’s not for the podcast.

HUDSON: Oh… I thought for our home game I was literally Dolly Parton.

NICK: Well that’s the name of the riding lawnmower with vampire fangs.

HUDSON: Oh, got it.

NICK: Dolly Parton the riding lawnmower, famous character trope. I don’t know what that means.

CAMERON: I don’t understand.

HUDSON: Working 9 to 5, gonna cut grass for a living.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Anyways. I’m actually Hudson, and I’m actually playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Lovely. Before we do the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: One light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: Wonderful. So, when we last left off, Xianna and her sister Taan had a bit of a conversation about who exactly left who. You met with one of the leaders of the Twi’lek resistance, Colonel Kachadorian, and you managed to be talked into helping the resistance to assassinate the governor of the planet in a desperate bid to help them to secure supplies.

Now, the one hitch with that is that Endo is coming with you, the person you came here to steal the Shattered Force from, and Taan, Taan’na, Xianna’s sister, is also coming. So, this group of four is now a group of six and you have some complicated dynamics going on. That’s where we’re going to start.

We open on the imperial transport tearing through the Ryloth desert towards the capital city of Lessu. It’s a bit of a drive. Flanked on either side are the two speeder bikes from the Afternoon Delight. Everyone is connected by coms so that they’re able to communicate. Taan’na is driving the imperial transport. Who’s on the speeder bikes and who is in the transport?

HUDSON: I’m in the transport. I think I’m with HK.

CAMERON: Yeah, HK and Tink in the transport.

NICK: Okay, so HK and Tink are in the transport and Xianna and Karma are each on a speeder bike. This formation is kicking up dust clouds behind them as you head towards the city. Over the coms you hear Taan’na say:

NICK (as Taan): So, what is the plan? How are we doing this?

NICK: Karma, do you want to give the brief overview?

CAMERON: Sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): Step 1 is a two-pronged approach. One group gets costumes from the ship, one group gets staff uniforms for the mansion. We sync back up. Step 2, infiltrate mansion, going with a “we’re a delegation from, somewhere, and we’re getting a tour of the governor’s mansion as one does,” and then try to get as far up in the mansion as we can. And when things inevitably go wrong, deal with it at that point and break off into combat units.

NICK (as Taan): It’s basic, but I think it will work.

NICK: And Endo turns his head. He’s seated next to HK.

NICK (as Endo): Yes, this will work fine.

NICK: HK keys his com and asks the group:

NICK (as HK): But how will we divide the groups? That seems to be the part we were not able to decide already.

NICK (as Endo): I would be happy to go with Taan’na, and maybe Xianna. I think that group of three with our local knowledge would be very effective.

CAMERON (as Karma): See, I had the opposite approach. Y’all have local knowledge so splitting y’all up is very efficient as well.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t know how I feel about that. You all have already said you are going to try to kill Endo. I think he should be protected with all the help he has done for the resistance. I don’t trust you, especially not Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wow. That is just, um… I mean yes, yes, very valid. However, it hurts to hear, you know.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, my sister. How is that drug high treating you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am doing great. You know, it is very good, A+, 100%, we’re good to go.

NICK (as Taan): Extremely trustworthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am an extremely trustworthy person. I have never lied once in my entire life.

NICK: Taan’na turns around in the driver’s chair to make eye contact with those that are in the imperial transport and looks very dubious. HK just does the “eh” hand wiggle gesture.

NICK (as HK): Regardless, we will need to decide how we are dividing our forces before we get there. I imagine we will not have time to argue.

NICK: As Lessu grows on the horizon and you rapidly approach.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. I go with Taan and Endo and everybody else is in a group. Okay?

NICK (as HK): Are you sure that’s wise? That would put you with two people who presumably want your death.

NICK (as Taan): I don’t want her dead, I just don’t trust her.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you just met all the rest of us, but are you feeling more trustworthy towards any of us?

NICK (as Taan): No, not really.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought we could be good friends.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, Tink, you think that about everybody.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, me and Endo, it was a rough start but we’re friends now.

NICK (as Endo): He does have a certain air about him that promotes friendship especially when he’s throwing prison shanks into somebody unexpectedly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, you haven’t forgotten about that…

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Endo): No… I certainly haven’t.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as Endo): I vote that I go with Tink’s group.

NICK: And Taan shakes her head while driving.

NICK (as Taan): No, I think we will have me and Xiann and Endo. We will split up. We will gather the uniforms for the servants of the governor’s mansion and the rest of you can pick up whatever else you need, and we will meet just outside. But first, we will need to get through the blockade that is clearly in front of the gates.

NICK: The camera zooms out and there are three of the imperial transports just like yours arrayed on the far side of this flickering drawbridge that Lessu has, and you all are slowing to a stop. Who all is going to try to talk your way through this as a stormtrooper with an orange pauldron gestures for… I don’t know why, but is gesturing for the window to be rolled down on the imperial transport because (mumbles) that works.

LILIT: Roll the window down.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: It’s a crank window.

HUDSON: [laughing] It’s a crank window.

NICK: Seeing a Twi’lek driving it, says:

NICK (as stormtrooper): State your business. That’s an imperial transport.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, there is a very good explanation for that which my friends will provide immediately.

LILIT: So Xianna pulls up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes. Ello. So, the transport was actually bought at an auction. It is a decommissioned one. So we are just bringing it, you know, back to return it, because you don’t want some decommissioned transport just in town. That would be terrible, right? Anybody could just buy it and then drive it around, and you don’t want that kind of confusion. So we are donating it back.

NICK (as stormtrooper): You’re… You bought it just to give it back to the Empire?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. We are very loyal patriots.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Hmm… I think there needs to be some sort of Charm or Deception roll here.

[chuckling]

LILIT: How about a Deception roll?!

NICK: Yeah, that sounds good. Stormtrooper captain does not appear convinced. You have two black dice on this Deception check by the way, and it’s hard difficulty.

LILIT: I can remove black dice with ranks in Convincing Demeanor.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Two successes.

NICK: Great. So, the stormtrooper doesn’t appear convinced, but you’re also able to do the move where you quickly flash passage papers, but you do it quickly enough that it looks confident but too fast for them to really be able to read them, and it’s actually just a receipt for some pizzas from Coruscant or something.

NICK (as stormtrooper): Well, we haven’t had any notifications of stolen transports, so you’re free to enter the city, but don’t make any trouble. I’ll be watching you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you so much. You have a great day.

LILIT: Xianna does a little tiny salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): And um… long live the Emperor I guess.

[chuckling]

NICK (as stormtrooper): Move along.

NICK: As you’re pulling away, after you say “long live the Emperor,” you can hear Taan’na grumbling in Twi’leki under her breath at you having said “long live the Emperor,” and you pull away. We get a swipe cut to you juggling who’s going where. We see Tink get onto the speeder bike and Xianna climb into the transport. HK grabs onto Tink’s back and the speeders split away heading towards the Afternoon Delight and the transport heads towards one of Taan’na’s contacts.

We’ll start with the crew pulling up to the Afternoon Delight. The ship is still locked down at the spaceport where you left it. You park your speeder bikes and go into the ship. You all head towards the costume closet, I imagine.

CAMERON: Well, so first, we walk the speeders up the ramp and put them back in their cargo bay.

NICK: Okay. So the speeders are safely stowed on the ship. You hear a squeaking from near the hot tub as you walk out of the storage area as Creamsicle welcomes you back, but then she gets distracted by some cookies that Xianna hid in the shag carpeting to keep her distracted.

CAMERON: Ew. [laughs]

NICK: You all head towards the costume closet. What kind of clothes are you getting for this infiltration?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, so… HK, you’re good, you’re a bodyguard.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh no, I know who I am, you don’t even have to say it, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. Who are you, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m Han Yolo, the very mysterious and exciting magician.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh okay, I wasn’t… I wasn’t gonna go as far as assigning names, I was just going to, like… HK doesn’t need a costume because he can just be with us as a droid.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re saying you don’t want a name? Because I already have yours picked out and the badges printed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, we have badges?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is my name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Cantaloupe McGuire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh good. [laughs uneasily] Great. Awesome.

NICK (as HK): What will my designation be, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): You are… Do you want a Human name or a robOt name?

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you put the accent on the O in robot, but I do not care either way. I trust your judgement.

HUDSON (as Tink): You are now Tits McGee.

NICK (as HK): This name does not seem appropriate as I do not possess tits or a McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you’re like… tits in like the “oh yeah, that show was tits, the tits.” You know?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?!

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an affirmation. It’s a… It’s a way to say things are good, so you’re a good name, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Is it?

NICK: HK puts his hands on his hips and pops one hip out.

NICK (as HK): Stop trying to make tits a thing, Tink. Tits will never be a thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think it’s a thing.

NICK (as HK): Fine, I am Tits McGee.

NICK: You can hear him rolling his eyes even though they don’t move. You proceed to the closet. What clothes do you put on if you are a magician going to the governor’s mansion?

HUDSON: Business suit and a magician’s hat and one of those weird magician… not canes but like, it’s like a black stick with white at the end. Like a cue? What are those? [laughs]

NICK: Yep. So it is a cane, it’s just not useful as a cane in any way because it’s too short.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LILIT: I thought it was supposed to be like a wand cane.

HUDSON: Yeah, I thought it was like a wand, kind of, but I couldn’t think of the word.

NICK: Yeah, magic stick wand. Anyway. Karma, Cantaloupe McGuire, what does your outfit look like?

CAMERON: So, Karma ends up in a pantsuit very reminiscent of Luke’s black with just the little bit of white collar. I am still wearing my boots.

NICK: Okay, so you have a pantsuit with these plate armor dragon boots peeking out of the bottom.

CAMERON: Well so it ends up looking very much like a Texas businessman wearing cowboy boots with his nice suit.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: So you just see, it’s like… you can see the toe and the heel of the boot but you can’t see all the scales that go up the calf.

NICK: Are you wearing your full armor under this business suit?

CAMERON: Yes. [chuckles]

NICK: Okay. Your armor is pretty sleek because it’s made out of such strong material, so it’s just a little lumpy in some weird places, but you’ll probably be able to get away with it.

CAMERON: But to go along with this pantsuit she is wearing a Lando style cape.

NICK: Ooh, very nice.

CAMERON: [laughing] Because she has to be able to hide her weapons under something.

NICK: So they’re tucked under the wide cape?

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Alright. HK disappears into the closet for a second and comes out and magnets a pair of what look like Ray-Ban sunglasses onto his face.

NICK (as HK): There, now I am security. Tits McGee, reporting for duty.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhausted] Good. Great.

CAMERON: We also grab an additional outfit because Endo is going to need one.

NICK: Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Because Endo is not a Twi’lek.

NICK: So you grab an outfit for Endo. What kind of clothes do you get him?

CAMERON: A very out-of-style suit.

NICK: Okay. Is it like a strange color?

CAMERON: It clashes with him.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: That’s all I know. [laughs]

HUDSON: And it has a ketchup stain.

CAMERON: Oh no! [laughs]

NICK: It’s a light gray suit because he’s really dark and silvery, so it’s just like a not-matching color. It looks very strange, and there’s a ketchup stain on the lapel. As you all walk out of the ship and start to head towards the rendezvous point near the—

CAMERON: (Boop-bwoop)!

NICK: And lock your ship near the governor’s mansion. We cut away to the imperial transport. Xianna, where did you go to secure yourself some Twi’lek staff outfits?

LILIT: In town there is a dry-cleaning and tailor shop that a lot of the rich people in the city still use, so they know that they can find the staff uniforms there, both ones that are being dry-cleaned and new ones that are being made, so there would be a wide range of different sizes to choose from. The shop owners, while not fully within the rebellion, are pretty sympathetic and have been known to look the other way if their shop is quote-unquote “broken into,” so it’s a relatively easy place to acquire uniforms from.

NICK: Taan’na walks up to the back door and starts to override the electronic lock, and the door swings open, and you see a middle-aged Twi’lek man. He’s green and has a bit of a paunch and looks down at where Taan’na was fiddling with the lock.

NICK (as Twi’lek): No, don’t override the lock. It’s a new one. Just come in, come in now.

NICK: So, she heads inside and starts negotiating with this guy. You can see that they’re really just discussing price and what it will take to keep him quiet. You and Endo are left in the transport as Taan’na secures the staff uniforms that you need.

NICK (as Endo): You won’t be making this out alive, little Twi’lek. Where are you keeping your pieces of the Shattered Force?

LILIT: Xianna turns around and props her arm on the back of the seat.

LILIT (as Xianna): I hid them in your mother’s butt. That’s where we hid them.

NICK (as Endo): You sound brave, but the harder you make this the worse it’ll be for you. I will grant you a clean death. Tell me where you are keeping the items.

LILIT (as Xianna): [confident and sarcastic] Oh my goodness, a clean death. Wow. So befitting of a warrior such as myself. I have definitely never been threatened before. Do you know how many times people have shot me, Endo? Like, this is me we are talking about. I have been shot at and shot many times. I have been stabbed. I almost drowned once. Like, what are you going to do to me?

NICK: There is a flicker. It feels a lot, now that you’re looking straight at him, it feels a lot like when there’s a flash of lightning or the lights flicker and you’re not sure if you blinked or if you saw something, and he’s no longer in the passenger seat upfront, he’s sitting next to you, and he has a vibro-dagger pressed up near your neck, not touching.

NICK (as Endo): You’d be surprised how long I can make a death last. Don’t push me. Where are they?

LILIT (as Xianna): So, it is very cool, the spooky Jedi Force shit you are doing, but like I have met actual Jedi before. You just don’t have the same vibes, you know? And anyways, I already told you where we hid them. We hid them up your mother’s butt, just right up in the butthole.

NICK: [chuckles] He is starting to get frustrated. You can tell.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are just WAY up there, Endo.

NICK: Even though his face is mostly chitin and mechanics, you can tell that he’s getting frustrated by the slight tremor in this vibro-blade.

NICK (as Endo): I will have to kill you and ask your friends.

NICK: And then the dagger is gone, and Taan’na is walking back towards the transport holding two uniforms on hangers. He gives you a friendly elbow when she’s looking at you.

NICK (as Endo): And that’s why I’ve been helping the rebellion so much.

LILIT: Xianna immediately leans over.

LILIT (as Xianna): Taan… Taan, Endo threatened to kill me. He like pulled a knife out and everything.

NICK (as Taan): So?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, you’re not going to say anything to him?

NICK (as Taan): Endo.

NICK (as Endo): Y-Yes?

NICK (as Taan): As annoying as I’m sure Xianna is, she is still my sister, so please wait until after the mission to gut her like a blurrg.

LILIT (as Xianna): Great. Thank you. Love that familial love and care that is coming through.

NICK (as Taan): We cannot do this now. We just can’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, let’s just go do the job so that I can kill Endo first.

NICK (as Taan): And I’m taking the higher rank staff uniform. You get the low rank one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine. Whatever. But like, I am a better liar than you, so I feel like I should get the higher one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re—

LILIT (as Xianna): Just saying, I am older, so I should get the higher ranking one.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, so you’re good at lying. Remember when you were all “oh, you can trust me, it’s been so long, I’ve been trying to help you”?

LILIT: [chuckles quietly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Yes. Not all of that was a lie.

NICK (as Taan): Fine. Try on the high-ranked uniform. I’d love to see it.

NICK: There’s a circle wipe, and the higher-rank uniform was sized for Taan’na, so it’s like high-water pants and short sleeves.

NICK (as Taan): Yes, it looks very good on you. You’ve done a great job with it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Fine. Fine, whatever, we will switch back. I just… [exhales] I hate you, okay? You know that? This sucks. You suck!

NICK (as Taan): That’s really a shame because I love you and I missed you quite a bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): No you did not.

NICK: And she stares at you with a look that would look like she was trying to intimidate somebody. You’re not sure how to interpret it, though.

NICK (as Taan): Oh well. Give me back the uniform.

NICK: There’s another circle wipe and you all are dressed. The uniforms look pretty much identical except for some scribbling in Aurebesh on the lapel. Endo is tapping his foot from the passenger seat.

NICK (as Endo): Can we go now? Is this going to be the whole mission? Because I may just have to kill you both for the purpose of the resistance at this point.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god, Endo. Stop being so whiney.

NICK (as Endo): I’m the… You all need to work out your issues, away from me.

LILIT (as Xianna): What? Does it look like we have time to go to therapy right now? No. We have to go kill a man, okay? We will do therapy later.

[laughter]

NICK: So, there is a wipe and we see the crew gathered in an alley that’s one street over from the beginning of the governor’s palace. There is a servants’ entrance nearby. There’s also the main doors. There’s a couple of different options. Taan’na is tapping on a data pad trying to make sure that everything is ready. Endo is doing the thing where you take the point of the knife and just press it into your finger and twist the knife back and forth by the hilt.

You all are ready to split up. Endo is now wearing a business suit. It’s that light charcoal gray that clashes with his chitin so poorly and there’s a red stain on the lapel.

NICK (as Endo): You didn’t have anything else for me to wear?

CAMERON (as Karma): We were shockingly running low on your size.

NICK (as Endo): And what’s with this name badge?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, we also ran out of identities, so I had to give you that one. Sorry about that.

NICK: What does it say?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you got Beefus Tuesday.

NICK (as Endo): Beefus Tuesday…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. You could do Beef for short.

NICK (as Endo): You’re a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah. Han Yolo at your service.

NICK (as Endo): And Cantaloupe McGuire over there is, what? What’s your cover story?

CAMERON (as Karma): I have no fucking idea.

NICK (as Endo): Sounds good. We’re off to a great start.

NICK (as Taan): Well, if we are done with the arguing and everything else going on, it’s time to go. First we have to get in. We will be able to go through the staff entrance. Are you sticking with us for now, other group, or are you going through the front?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’ll stick together for now.

NICK (as Taan): Okay. Let’s go.

NICK: You all walk towards the governor’s mansion. The governor’s mansion is distinctive to say the least. The city of Lessu is a giant mountain surrounded by walls with a laser bridge covering a gap to allow you into the city. The governor’s mansion is the peak of that mountain. It’s at least five or six stories tall in a tiered wedding cake kind of pattern. It also has walls.

You can see cameras all over the outside of it. There’s both droid and Twi’lek patrols of security wandering around and peeking out of windows. This place is a fortress. You walk up to a door that’s been labeled Staff Entrance and there’s a little keypad, and you’re gonna have to get past it. What do you do?

CAMERON: As we are walking over towards the door, Karma holds Xianna slightly back from the group.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, are you gonna be okay with the two of them?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, most likely. There is like a 30% chance Endo will just straight-up murder me before we finish, but like, I am hoping to kill him first.

CAMERON (as Karma): So if you kill him, what’s that going to do with you and your sister? Is it enough that she’d then turn on you?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, worst case she tries to kill me and then I just run away and we don’t speak to each other for another decade. There is not a huge amount of relationship currently there, so it’s not like I can ruin it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, you could definitely ruin it still.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t think she would truly try to kill me. I think she would threaten to and then shoot at me, but if I ran away she would let me and then just kind of yell that she will kill me later, but really that’s never going to happen. Then like in a decade we will reconnect and we will get past all of this and then have a really good relationship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I can tell you’ve given this a lot of thought.

LILIT (as Xianna): Worst case she just does actually try to kill me and I have to escape.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… just be careful. We’re on coms.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh!

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you were gonna be reckless.

LILIT (as Xianna): We should have gotten some drugs so we could poison Endo and make it look like an accident.

CAMERON (as Karma): … You know, if we planned better, we could have, but I think it’s a little late for that. But, be careful. We’re on coms if you need us. Try not to kill him unprovoked, and hopefully everyone’s still okay by the time we meet back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes. Also, he can like teleport and shit, so watch out for that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Anyways, let’s go hack that door.

LILIT: Xianna walks up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, do you want to help me get the door open?

HUDSON (as Tink): Sure. I know this system, it’s uh… Cyclonic System.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, you just made that up.

HUDSON (as Tink): I certainly did not.

HUDSON: I start hitting the buttons. I try 1-2-3-4. I try 1-2-3. I try 1-1-1-1. I try to push my handprint. Maybe it wasn’t actually numbers this whole time.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah, you tried pointer, middle, ring finger, pinky finger. You tried pointer, middle, ring finger. You tried pointer, pointer, pointer, pointer, and then you put your hand up to it and it scans and goes (error noise).

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK: Because it’s a lock, on a door.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, slice it. You know, that is why you are here in this crew, to slice things.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, slicing isn’t just about coming up and being like… I mean, it’s usually about coming up to a machine and being super cool and getting into it quickly, but sometimes it takes time and guesswork.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink, you have done this before. Just go.

CAMERON (as Karma): Does this have to be one of the times that it takes time and guesswork?

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a craft.

NICK: You notice that there are several cameras pointing directly at you all. [laughs] Observing the delay here.

HUDSON: Okay.

NICK: You’ll be able to hack it without them seeing what you’re doing, but it’s…

HUDSON: Do I roll for it, though?

NICK: Yeah, go ahead and roll. It’s an easy check, but you have two black dice. Flip a dark side point to upgrade one of those, so upgrade the purple to a red for me, please, Tink.

HUDSON: And then I also get two blue dice for data breaker. Yeah. Four successes and three advantages.

NICK: Oh. Wow. Okay. Yeah, you pop the door open very, very quickly. Is there anything you would like to spend those advantages on?

HUDSON: Um… I find something special in my pocket.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Mm-hmm~?

HUDSON: It’ll come up later.

NICK: Okay…

LILIT: I don’t like the sound of that.

NICK: So you all get into the governor’s mansion.

NICK (as HK): So now it’s time to split up.

HUDSON (as Tink): [musically, mumbling] As we go off, we’re together…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Everybody have fun. Nobody die. Remember to kill the governor.

NICK (as HK): Maybe we shouldn’t say that out loud in the governor’s mansion.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, who’s gonna hear us? There’s nobody around.

NICK: So you have this hallway. Endo, Xianna and Taan’na go left. Karma, Tink and HK go right. There’s a shot of them looking at each other saying have fun and then it’s (bursting whoosh) and they both take off running down the hallway. We get a quick montage of you all investigating the palace. Could everybody give me one scene of one thing that you do before you run into any major opposition as you explore?

LILIT: The screen is black, and then three camera shots slot down into place so we have a lovely tryptic of Xianna looking at various pieces of art as if she was about to steal them.

[laughter]

LILIT: There’s certainly a vase, there’s a small painting, and a piece of jewelry on display. Why is there a diamond necklace on display in the hallway? Don’t ask. But there is definitely a shot of Xianna looking eye-level with it, checking out the security on it.

NICK: Yeah. We see you reach out and grab the necklace and start to lift it, and the camera zooms around behind it and there’s a little latch attached to an alarm system and the latch starts to jiggle, and then Xianna sets it back down, sees the latch, sees that it’s alarmed, and gives an annoyed sigh at how long it would take. And Taan from the end of the hallway saying:

NICK (as Taan): Come on. There’s no need to admire the scenery. Let’s go.

NICK: And Xianna gives the sigh and fist down by the side angry stomp down the hallway.

HUDSON: I turn to Karma and HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Stop! Stop. Guys, guys, guys. Come over here.

HUDSON: And I pulled them aside.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, Tits, you want to, uh, you wanna see—

NICK (as HK): Oh right, I am Tits McGee.

HUDSON (as Tink): You wanna see a magic trick?

NICK (as HK): Yes. I am not sure why, but I absolutely with all of my being want to see a magic trick.

HUDSON (as Tink): Take this handkerchief right here out of my pocket.

HUDSON: He starts pulling it out and there’s a bunch of linked rainbow handkerchiefs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Keep pulling… Keep pulling.

NICK: HK grabs it and begins to pull the handkerchief out, and then goes faster and faster and faster with mechanical precision, and it’s like, what, 25 feet?

HUDSON: Yeah. As he’s doing that I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. As you’re distracted—I mean, as you’re working on the handkerchief, what’s this behind your ear?

HUDSON: And I go up to grab something behind his ear and it’s a really oiled up credit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I hate to ruin the illusion, but I do not possess ears. There is no way physically that could have been lodged on the side of my head.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… magnets?

NICK (as HK): Also, why is it oiled up?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s why we have the handkerchief. Don’t ask why it’s oiled up.

NICK (as HK): Order acknowledged.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Finally, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [apprehensive] Yes?

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Would you like some flowers?

HUDSON: Then I take my wand and I bash it towards her, like over and over again. The flowers aren’t coming out, and I hit it with my other hand, and then I’m finally like:

HUDSON (as Tink): What the…? Ugh!

HUDSON: I hit it on the table a few times, and then the flowers come out the other end and rip up my wrist.

CAMERON: [giggling] Oh no.

HUDSON: Holding it upside-down.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh. Are you okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted] Yeah… Yeah. Just, you know… you know what they say, in magic there will be pain.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have never heard anyone say that.

HUDSON (as Tink): They say that, right Tits?

NICK (as HK): You did say that right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so they say it. Anyways, do you want these flowers?

HUDSON: And there’s like some blood on the ends of the flowers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I think that’s almost all of my tricks, but maybe there’s one last trick up my sleeve that we’ll see later.

HUDSON: As I look out toward the camera.

NICK: Great. The group continues on. Cameron, what is another thing during this infiltration, maybe related to the infiltration in some way? [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh… Well, I mean, the scene starts off with Karma placing the slightly bloody bouquet of flowers into a vase that we pass in the hallway.

NICK: It’s an incredibly expensive vase.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: It says it’s some sort of artifact from 100,000 years ago or something.

CAMERON: She does pick something that isn’t, like, something that was stolen from the Twi’leks.

NICK: Yeah, it’s from, like… it’s a Jedi artifact or something.

CAMERON: Oh okay. Yeah, screw it then. We’ll put some bloody flowers in it. We probably all end up with champagne at one point.

NICK: [smiling] Okay.

CAMERON: When we’re walking. One of us has balloons that we just keep letting go of around cameras.

NICK: Good. Very good. So, you’re looking more casual with your champagne and some of the cameras have been obscured, and I’m going to need a Stealth check from both groups to see how far into this you get without being detected. It’s going to be hard difficulty.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we’re wearing staff uniforms?

NICK: Sure.

[laughter]

CAMERON: So the Karma, Tink and HK group has four successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow!

LILIT: The Xiann, Taan and Endo group has five successes, three advantages.

NICK: Well dang.

CAMERON: On my purple die I only rolled one threat.

HUDSON: Nice.

NICK: Okay. Um… You’re able to traverse this entire facility. Nobody sees you. You’ve ducked out of the way of stormtroopers several times and of actual staff for the mansion several times.

CAMERON: Oh! Six advantages!

NICK: Oh, because you get an added one?

CAMERON: I get an added one for my armor. I forgot.

NICK: Yeah. Does that count even if you’re wearing clothes over it?

CAMERON: I mean, it’s an armor mod.

NICK: Yeah, I guess so.

CAMERON: It never says you have to be able to see my armor. [laughs] It just makes me quieter somehow.

NICK: You all are able to continue onward very easily. You avoid several guard patrols, no one sees you, and you’re working your way higher and higher in this mansion.

Karma, Tink and HK find themselves outside of a large double door that’s wooden and has two very big battle droids standing on either side of it. They look modified. They look like imperial design but not one that you’ve seen before. They have double cannons. They appear to have missiles. They appear to have sensor suites. These are weapons of war that are in this hallway.

HUDSON: So we’re in front of the robots, right?

NICK: You’re like around the corner. They haven’t detected you yet, but the next big obstacle you have is… this door looks very much like an entrance to, say, the office of the governor or something. You’ve made your way as far up as you can and there is just some war material sitting here.

HUDSON: It’s at night, right?

NICK: Sure.

HUDSON: Like, that’s when we’re coming in? Okay.

NICK: Yeah, I think y’all decided to go at nighttime.

HUDSON: I get on coms and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Everyone. Before we go any further, I just had a thought. I need help processing this. What if we find the governor in their bed and they sleep in the nude? Won’t that be a little weird? I’ve never killed someone in the nude before.

NICK (as HK): I have. I’m nude all the time by definition. That’s how I usually kill people.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I guess that’s true for you. I just don’t… Do we have them put on clothes before? I don’t know.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, it is not that hard, you just shoot them.

NICK (as Endo): Tink, keep this channel clear. This is unprofessional. You’re going to get us caught.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also HK, I feel like you are a different situation because Tink is upset about killing somebody who is naked whereas you are naked when you kill people.

NICK (as HK): Oh. I have also killed naked people.

NICK (as Endo): Why are we still talking?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we get off the coms now. Bye~ See you all later.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love you~

NICK (as HK): Bye, secondary user.

LILIT (as Xianna): Love you bye~

[chuckling]

NICK: Taan can’t help but smile at that conversation a little bit. Endo is emanating murderous rage right now. You’ve seen several times where he has maneuvered to try to fall behind with you where Taan wouldn’t see or to get ahead to do something and you’ve managed to expertly keep in the middle of the group in between the two of them, so he hasn’t been able to do anything yet. But we are back to Karma, Tink and HK in front of this door.

CAMERON (as Karma): So…

HUDSON (as Tink): Tits, you got this, I think. You’re a droid, they’re droids.

NICK (as HK): I can absolutely attempt to kill them. Their armor does not appear that thick. Please stand by. Charging suppressing fire—

HUDSON (as Tink): No. Wait, wait, wait. No, hold on. No, not charge… wait. I meant like talk it out.

NICK (as HK): I was very excited.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you can, I mean—

NICK (as HK): You want me to talk to the droids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, I’d love for you to talk to the droids and just figure out their deal. Maybe they can be paid off. Maybe they love magic and they have a childish wonder that can distract them as we enter.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

CAMERON: Oh gosh…

NICK: [smiling] HK walks around the corner and starts to head towards these two battle droids. Who wants to play the two battle droids?

LILIT: Okay.

CAMERON: I’ll play one.

NICK: Yeah, so it’ll be Lilit and Cameron playing these battle droids. As HK walks down the hallway you can see just a massive amount of weapons pointed at HK. These battle droids are tracking as he walks nonchalantly closer. Even though he’s still carrying his large rifle they don’t seem to necessarily see that as a threat.

NICK (as HK): Hello, fellow non-organics. I can’t believe how weak those organics are. Am I right? Ha-ha, ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): Yes, we all know that organics are weak.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Ha-ha.

LILIT (as battle droid): What is your stated business?

NICK (as HK): I am here to—Oh, I am not supposed to tell you my business. I am supposed to see if you have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic.

CAMERON (as battle droid): Your business is to see if we have a deep-seated wonder in close up magic?

NICK (as HK): Yes. It seems to be very, very childish that someone sent me to ask you if you are interested in something that someone can do, but here we are. Am I right? Organics. Ha-ha. … Anyway, can I get past you with some of my compatriots to visit the person you are protecting? I would appreciate it.

LILIT (as battle droid): May I admit something to the group?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

LILIT (as battle droid): I actually do have a deep-seated childlike wonder of magic.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as battle droid): It has always intrigued me how the organics can move their digits in a way where I do not see the coin.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did someone say Han Yolo?

HUDSON: And I start running toward them.

CAMERON (as battle droid): No.

NICK (as HK): This is my associate, Han Yolo, magician extraordinaire. By the way, my designation is 7175-MCG33.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, Tits is my associate here.

HUDSON: Then I just swoosh my cape. I have found a cape at this point. I don’t think I started with one.

[laughter]

NICK: It’s a tablecloth.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you ready for some… wonder?

LILIT (as battle droid): Roger-roger.

HUDSON (as Tink): What about you? Wait. Let’s first get a little talking going on. What are y’all’s names?

LILIT (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation 5247.

CAMERON (as battle droid): I am battle droid designation B3-3F.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Battle droids. Alright, we got a good crowd tonight. We got a good crowd tonight~ Alright, for my first trick, I’m gonna pull out this deck of cards. I want you to, uh… I shuffled these before, just believe me. Pick a card, 5317.

NICK: And I need you to roll a Skulduggery check, Tink, to show how good your close up magic is. These droids have a very good Perception, so it’s going to be two purples and a red versus your Skulduggery.

HUDSON: I’d like to flip a light side point.

NICK: Okay, and you can have a blue die because 5247 has a deep-seated wonder in magic.

HUDSON: [laughs] This is gonna be a little tricky. Three failures, one advantage.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Uh… describe how this trick goes, Hudson.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Pick a card, any card.

LILIT (as 5247): I picked the 7 of Clubs.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, you can’t say what… [stammers] Okay, um… Alright, I’m taking the card back. I’m gonna just shuffle these all… Was this your card?!

HUDSON: And I try to flip it up real cool-like, like try to flip the card up but I actually just reveal my whole hand and it just flies everywhere and all the cards are 7 of Clubs, the whole deck.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as 5247): I do not feel like it is fair if the entire deck is the 7 of Clubs.

CAMERON (as B3-3F): Wait, 5247, what if the magic trick was that all of the cards became the 7 of Clubs when you picked it?

LILIT (as 5247): Oh. That would have indeed been an interesting magic trick. The sleight of hand would have been quite impressive. However, he has fumbled them all over.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh… well, uh… ooh.

LILIT (as 5247): Are you even a magician if you cannot do this simple trick? I am beginning to doubt your credentials.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you questioning Han Yolo?

NICK: HK says…

NICK (as HK): The real magic was the friends we made along the way.

NICK: …and shoots the back of the head of one of the droids.

[laughter]

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from—

LILIT (as 5247): [pathetic death cry sounding just like Clone Wars cartoon droids]

[laughter]

NICK: We’re gonna cut away from that to Xianna and Taan’na and Endo. You find yourself in a large empty room. It looks like it’s a ballroom, but the tables have been pushed up against the walls. You’re close to the top. You’re pretty sure that if you can just find the next staircase you’ll probably be up at the governor’s office and from there be able to quickly find the governor.

Xianna, it’s night, the lights are off except for some emergency lighting so it is pretty dark, and I need you to make a hard Perception check.

LILIT: Three successes.

NICK: So you notice as, from right behind Taan’na, Endo disappears, and you also notice as he appears right behind you and lunges to attack you, so it will be an upgraded difficulty for him. Cameron, roll me a melee attack with three yellows versus two purple and a red.

LILIT: Oh shit, I’m not wearing my coat.

NICK: Uh-oh.

LILIT: I lose my Defense.

CAMERON: Just one success.

NICK: Just one success… So Xianna, you take 5 damage, Pierce 2, as he stabs you in the back as you’re trying to turn around. You’re able to dodge a majority of the blow, but he still hits you.

LILIT: Okay. My Soak value is only a 2.

NICK: Okay, so 5 damage.

LILIT: So 5 damage… Okay.

NICK: Ow.

LILIT: Wow.

NICK: Taan… You can see your sister looking around in the dark trying to figure out what the sudden flurry of motion is.

NICK (as Endo): I told you I would kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Oh my god, Endo, I thought we were going to be civilized and wait until after we murdered the governor, but like, I guess we can fucking do this now.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

# Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners to find the show, and every time we get one the squad gets warm fuzzies.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites, Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Hot tub hangout, which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 29 We’re All In

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 29:
We’re All In

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 29 of Tabletop Squadron! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I hope that you are having a beautiful and sunny Thursday… unless it’s nighttime and not Thursday, in which case I hope you are having a beautiful and not sunny whatever the day is. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Fantastic. Last but not least we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I hope you’re having a pleasant Tuesday. You know, I got a one out of seven shot, so I’m taking those odds.

NICK: I was sitting on the edge of my chair going “are we gonna get through introductions without a bit,” and we almost made it, and I’m glad we didn’t.

LILIT: Nope.

NICK: That’s good. That would have been outside of our brand.

LILIT: We are 69% bits.

HUDSON: [game show stinger]

NICK: Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: Two dark side.

[somber western style guitar begins]

NICK: When we last left off you all had arrived on Lessu, managed to find a contact with Carson Agen, an underground smuggler on the planet of Ryloth who had a penchant for blurrg racing and pointing people in the right direction. You were able to get the information you needed. You took your two speeders from the Afternoon Delight and went off to attempt to find Endo the Tognath who has several of the pieces of the Broken Force, which is your goal to collect these.

You came upon a group of Twi’lek resistance fighters who were attacking an imperial supply caravan and “helped” with that. Some of you helped, some of you were also there. And were surprised to see Endo and his crew of no-good pirates jump in to assist with dispatching the Empire. The last thing we saw was Xianna seeing her sister amongst the fighters and Endo was able to somehow teleport near to you and say that she wanted to speak to you, and that’s where we are going to start.

You all are able to hop onto your speeders and follow the imperial transport and some other speeders that appear to have been hidden up along these mesas. We open after this trip on the base of operations for the Ryloth resistance forces. It’s hidden in the wilderness outside of Lessu, close enough for sabotage operations but far enough away that the Empire hasn’t discovered it yet. I want everybody to give me a detail of what this base looks like or how the resistance is operating here to try to kick the Empire off of Ryloth.

[guitar music ends]

CAMERON: Did we establish that it’s in a cave?

NICK: Nope.

CAMERON: Okay, it’s in a cave.

NICK: Okay, it’s in a cave. Give me a little more.

CAMERON: It’s in a cave! Built into—So there’s this huge mesa out in the middle of… flatness, and basically the entire thing on the inside is hollow, and that’s where the base is set up. So it’s basically like a giant ship hanger but inside of a rock.

HUDSON: Tink’s walking through there and just looks around and says:

HUDSON (as Tink): This place is less of a mesa and more of a messa. Who’s cleaning around here?

CAMERON: Probably because of all of the dust.

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: [laughs] Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Being in a desert.

NICK: And the blurrgs. They have a small pen of blurrgs.

CAMERON: Hmm.

LILIT: Inside you can see that a lot of the speeders and ships and equipment they have is old Clone War items that were left that have been repaired and pieced together and sort of Frankensteined over the years.

NICK: Oh, very cool. Yeah, the whole feel of it is very much of a ragtag band barely hanging on. You all are standing in the main hanger of this base which turns out is a vast majority of this base, farthest away from the entrance which is like a sunken hole in the wall that really looks like it’s a slight overhang and then as you get closer the ground goes underneath, so it’s kind of like a cave entrance but half tunnel as well so it’s very difficult to find if you don’t know where to look.

Far away from that entrance you can see that there are some walls and smaller buildings set up for offices and barracks and things like that, but a majority of this place is a big open hanger.

There are a few speeders around, some armored, some stripped down for speed, mostly from the Clone Wars era, most of them just kind of kitbashed together. You see the LAAT which is the clone landing ship. You see one of those but with just a ground speeder’s engine stuck on the back and the top cut off so it’s this weird-looking convertible. Things like that, that’s the standard.

There is a small pen of blurrgs that are sedately chewing on slop in the corner, and you’re standing there as the Twi’leks’ resistance has landed with the imperial transport and some of their own speeder bikes, not super close to you, and medics run out to check on the injured. The medics don’t have a lot of work to do because, as you know, most of the people who were shot didn’t make it. The imperial security was a lot heavier than they were expecting and was carrying stronger blasters than they were expecting.

You park your speeders a distance away, and this action is all kind of rushing around you. Nobody’s really paying attention to you right now. And then you see a purple Twi’lek hop out of the driver seat of the imperial transport. She’s probably 20-30 meters away from you. She peels a pair of dusty goggles off of her face and begins to stomp in your all direction. You probably have a few seconds before she gets there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who’s that?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, let me hide behind you. Just pretend I’m not here, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Done.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just, Tink, hide me.

HUDSON (as Tink): Done.

LILIT: Xianna is now clutched onto Tink’s back and partially dug into the fur.

HUDSON (as Tink): [pained] Agh!

LILIT: And just doing her best to mold into the silhouette of Tink and not be seen. [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted, hushed] Don’t grab me so hard, twitchy.

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Shh! Shh! I told you, just pretend I am not here. Just say that I went away. Say I went to the bathroom or something, that I was having tummy problems.

CAMERON: Karma is leaning against one of the speeders.

NICK: You turn your head to watch the action around you and your head tails blow in a nonexistent breeze for a second. So, Xianna is clinging to the back of Tink’s fur, Tink is trying to smile behind his translator and not have to lean forward too far, Karma is observing, HK is staring into space, and this purple Twi’lek stomps up.

NICK (as Taan): Where is she?

HUDSON (as Tink): Who? She? She’s not here!

NICK (as Taan): Don’t give me that. I know she’s here. Where is she?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh, uh, uh… Karma! Karma, where is she?

CAMERON: I think Karma and HK are behind Tink with Xianna on his back, so Karma just kind of points towards Tink from behind him.

HUDSON (as Tink): No Karma, not looking for “me,” looking for “her.”

NICK (as Taan): Listen here big boy, I have had a very difficult day and I need to talk to that Twi’lek that you are with or we are going to have problems and they are going to hurt you. So, you can give up wherever that other Twi’lek that was with you mercenaries was or I can beat the kriff out of you. Which would you prefer?

NICK: She smiles really broadly, and you can tell that she’s kind of hoping that you’re gonna pick option two. Tink, you don’t know how she would beat you up, but she seems pretty confident.

HUDSON: I do a 180.

LILIT: Xianna sort of stumbles as Tink moves around and loses grip and falls a little bit but catches herself before coming face-to-face with Taan.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, um… ello. I did not see you there. I was, um… busy.

NICK (as Taan): Oh, you were “busy” for, how long has it been? Ten years?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean… That is, um… yes, maybe it has been ten years, but… I have been very busy, you know? I’ve gone to prison like three times and I’ve gotten married. Not for real, but you know, it’s still an ordeal every time you do it. And you know, being on a ship with a crew… I have a pet loth-rat. It is a lot to deal with, you know?

NICK (as Taan): Oh yes, the loth-rats, they are a lot of responsibility. You’re right. This makes sense to me why you would go to our uncle, give him money, and then abandon me, abandon your home.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, abandoning our home, I can kind of understand why you would think that. And I did, a little bit, you know, but that was the point. If anything I feel like you abandoned me because we had agreed to leave the planet together. Then I show up at the port and you are nowhere to be found, and I just have to get a com message from you saying that you changed your mind. So if anything I feel like I was maybe the one who was abandoned.

NICK: You can see a muscle twitching in her jaw and her lekku are moving. Whenever you’re talking she’s basically yelling at you with her lekku language. [chuckles] So, you’re getting the time to talk verbally, but you are getting no break from this tirade.

NICK (as Taan): Now you are with these mercenaries? You are killing imperials. You are helping us, great, but you didn’t tell us you were coming. You could have blown our cover… I just don’t even understand, Xiann. Who are these people?! You have this droid who keeps looking at me.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, stop looking at her! Look in a different direction! But anyways.

LILIT: And Xianna turns back.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not know you were going to be here, okay? I thought that we could just come to the planet, we could do the business we needed to, and we could leave without ever having to interact and I could be here as little as possible, but apparently the person who was giving us info just did not mention who else was there and I did not know it was you.

NICK: She crosses her arms and noticeably begins to ignore Xianna and looks at Karma and Tink.

NICK (as Taan): Hello. Thank you for coming to the aid of the Rylothi people. We thank you and owe you a debt. Unfortunately, most of our funds have been used on supplies for the liberation movement, but perhaps we can come up with some sort of payment, you strangers who have helped us in our time of need.

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s your snack counter look like?

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we don’t need more snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t see—In what world do we ever not have enough snacks?

LILIT (as Xianna): When we don’t have more room on the ship for more snacks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, the entire mess is currently filled with Space Doritos, Spunyuns, and Dunkaroos.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, those Dunkaroos are good.

NICK (as Taan): We are starving to death down here and you are asking for food while you have more. I understand that the space life is glamorous and has different concerns. I… Ugh. I don’t even know what to do with you. Why are…? Go away, please? Leave me here? Why are you even here? I don’t—

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine. We can leave. If you don’t want us here, we can leave, but just let us kill Endo and we will be gone. That is all we came here to do.

NICK (as Taan): No, you can’t kill Endo. Endo is the reason we’re able to fight the Empire.

LILIT (as Xianna): [huffs] Look. He wants to fight the Empire, but he is only trying to fight the Empire so that he can take over himself. He has this whole weird plan and he’s getting artifacts and weird shit and I don’t even know exactly what it is. I keep forgetting, but he’s doing something, so we have to… I keep saying kill. I don’t think everyone else wants to kill him, but like, defeat him. You know what I mean?

NICK (as HK): I would very much like to kill him.

CAMERON (as Karma): We know, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): And besides, he’s tried to kill us in the past, so I feel like we are allowed to kill him, like self-defense and whatever. But like, if you just leave us alone we can leave you alone and we don’t have to keep talking.

NICK (as Taan): You hear this?

NICK: She points to Tink and Karma.

NICK (as Taan): We have only seen each other for the first time in ten years and she’s saying that she wants to leave again. Do you see what I have to deal with?

LILIT (as Xianna): You just said we needed to leave. You just said that we should go! So, you know, I’m just trying to do what you want me to do.

NICK: She rolls her eyes so hard you worry she’s gonna dislocate them. Appearing behind you, like Batman, you hear a voice that says:

NICK (as Endo): Oh, so now you’re trying to kill me? That’s laughable. I’m going to be instrumental in keeping these noble resistance fighters alive, kicking the Empire off of Ryloth, and you want to kill me for some trinkets?

LILIT: Xianna twirls around and points at Endo.

LILIT (as Xianna): You shut the fuck up. I am talking to my sister right now. I will talk to you later, and I will try to kill you later, but wait your fucking turn! Okay? I am having a conversation.

LILIT: Then she whirls back around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So you don’t want us here, obviously, because you told us we should go, so we are just going to go now. Is that okay with you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, uh, Xianna’s sister… I’m just saying, don’t he sound evil though? Don’t Endo sound evil…?

NICK (as Taan): Your droid sounds evil.

HUDSON (as Tink): Our droid has programming in it to not be evil anymore.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, he is absolutely evil. He murders people all the time. But he just wants to murder individuals. He does not want to take over the entire galaxy. There is a difference.

NICK: [smiling] Behind you, as you’re having this argument, Endo has put his hands up and taken a few steps back and looks like he’s trying to inspect the wall like it’s really, really interesting. You actually shut him down pretty hard. [laughs]

NICK (as Taan): Honestly, listen to the emotion in Xiann’s voice. Wouldn’t you say that borderlines on evil?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): No, this is not evil. This is hyper and aggressive because I have taken drugs. Okay? I have taken drugs, and I am upset, and you are being annoying, and I just think that you should tell us. Do you want us to go or do you want us to leave?

NICK (as Taan): Xiann!

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean stay. Whichever one it is. Do you want me to go or do you want us to leave? We can’t do both.

NICK (as Taan): You’ve been taking the drugs?!

LILIT (as Xianna): yes! I have. They are fun, okay?

NICK: She is slightly open-mouthed and blinking.

NICK (as Taan): Now I do not want you to go because I think we need to have a talk, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): Look. Do you want to buy some? I don’t have a huge amount on me, but I can sell you something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now you should know, the last time I asked Xianna if she had a problem with drugs she said “the problem is I don’t have any drugs right now” if that tells you anything.

NICK (as Taan): No, I don’t want to buy drugs. After everything that you’ve been through, I can’t believe that you would throw away so much of your life on drugs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Throw away? It is an improvement. I am so much faster when I do them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, Taan? Yes?

NICK (as Taan): Yes, my name is Taan.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi… I’m Karma. It’s nice to meet you. I’m on your sister’s crew. Um, I—

NICK (as Taan): Well that immediately puts us off on the wrong foot. I’m going to be honest.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, and I do apologize for that, but I also do very much understand where you’re coming from in this conversation. So you are—

NICK (as Taan): You hear that, Xiann? Even your crewmate agrees with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, she did not agree with you. She just said that she heard you. There is a difference.

NICK (as Taan): And that’s all I’m asking for is for you to hear me, Xiann.

LILIT (as Xianna): I did hear you, but you keep making no sense.

CAMERON (as Karma): What I’m just saying is that y’all are starting to garner a little bit of attention. The room is a little bit echoey.

NICK: [grinning] The camera zooms out and the entire resistance is just staring at this group of people arguing and Endo has scooted himself further away.

[laughter]

LILIT: But everyone is doing it, like, holding crates and just slowly walking while staring and pretending to do stuff, but very clearly everyone has stopped, and then they quickly turn around and get back to busywork.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I do think it is very important probably for both of y’all’s mental health for y’all to have a conversation, but do you have a more private place that y’all could have this? I just, I feel like it really needs to happen, but I also feel like y’all have a lot of emotions to let go of and I want a safe space for you to do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Do you have like a thunder dome?

NICK (as Taan): We do have a thunder dome, but we will not be going there. Xiann, come with me. We are going to have a conversation.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine.

NICK (as Taan): I owe it to our mother to put you on the right track.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh don’t  you bring our mother into this!

NICK (as Taan): Oh I’ll bring my mother into this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Your mother?! It is my mother too. You can’t pretend like she only gave birth to you. I was first, you know.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: They’re like slapping at each other.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am your elder! You will respect me, okay? I am the matriarch of the family!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Taan): [mockingly] Matriarch of the family! Meh, meh, meh.

NICK: And they’re just slapping at each other and walking back towards a barracks leaving Karma and Tink and HK standing nearby to Endo. Endo looks up from where he’s inspecting the wall.

NICK (as Endo): Wow. Awkward, right?

CAMERON: Karma just does the slow nod.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah buddy.

NICK (as Endo): I guess now would be a great time to kill me since that’s what you want to do, right here in the middle of all these people who owe me their lives. Take your best shot.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, that’s really more her thing.

NICK: You can just see flailing lekku and angry distant shouting in the distance as they walk across the hanger.

CAMERON (as Karma): She gets a little murderous and aggressive when she’s angry.

NICK: For the record, Cameron, Karma has said multiple times “I’m going to kill Endo.”

CAMERON: Oh yeah! I know. Karma knows that too. [laughs]

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: But Karma’s not gonna invite a fight in the middle of this room.

NICK: We see a yellow Twi’lek man. He’s got one of his lekku thrown over his shoulder like a scarf. He smiles, and his teeth are sharpened.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Hello. I believe we owe you our lives. Perhaps we could talk about what brings you here.

CAMERON: Karma points towards the flailing purple as it enters the office or wherever it’s going.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Oh yes, you will have to forgive the general. She is a woman of passion.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, family reunions can come with a lot of emotions attached.

NICK: [smiling] And with that we’re gonna cut away to Taan’na and Xianna. Xianna, your sister has led you into a small room in a barracks. It looks like it was once used for storage, but all that’s there is two durasteel chairs and a durasteel table with a single dangling lightbulb. You follow her into the room and she goes behind you and slams the door shut and pulls the light on, and it casts dark shadows, and she sits down in a chair.

NICK (as Taan): Well, at least this is neutral ground. Have a seat. We have a lot to talk about.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, fine.

LILIT: Xianna plops down into the chair.

NICK: Do you slouch with your arms crossed?

LILIT: Yeah. Xianna is sitting in the chair as sarcastically as a person can.

[chuckling]

NICK: Taan’na is sitting up straight with almost… It’s not like military posture, it’s like someone who has seen what military is supposed to look like, doesn’t like it, but can’t help but be disciplined at the same time. She puts an arm down on the table.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know whether to hug you or slap you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well it seems like you want to slap me.

NICK (as Taan): You show up, you’re on drugs, you save my life, you save my friends’ lives… We haven’t talked in years. You send money, I know you do, but… you haven’t spoken to me, I can’t get ahold of you. I can’t reach out, I can’t risk the Empire finding us, but you could have reached out first. The first time I see you, you’re on drugs. You’re killing people.

LILIT (as Xianna): As if you are not also killing people.

NICK (as Taan): That’s my job! Your job is to transport things.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is my job too!

NICK (as Taan): Well good for you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well like, not technically, but like… you know, roundabout. My job is like stealing things and stuff.

NICK (as Taan): Heh, haven’t changed much, have you Xiann?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have not, okay? I mean I have, I have changed a lot. I have a lot of things in my life right now. But… okay.

LILIT: Xianna takes a big deep breath and folds her hands in her lap.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I am just saying, I felt like when we made an agreement that we were going to pool our money together and pawn the few valuable items in the house so that we could have enough money to leave the planet and be done with all of this, together. Then I show up to the spaceport and get onto the ship before finding out that you have changed your mind and you were going to stay. It was a big betrayal, and I felt like my trust was violated.

I did not know how to talk to you after that, so then I stopped talking to you because I left, and then I did not know when and how to start talking to you again because the betrayal was still hurtful and stung.

NICK: She raises her drawn-on eyebrows, because Twi’leks don’t have eyebrows.

LILIT (as Xianna): And also you are just annoying as a person.

NICK (as Taan): I’m the annoying one?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Taan): Well, that was very well thought out. Are you seeing someone to help you with these conflicts, these feelings? It seems like you are.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I am seeing somebody, but I am not seeing like a therapist. You know? I am just seeing somebody. It is different. I have just been reading a lot of self-help books and a lot of things on the Holonet about it and just trying to be more emotionally available and to stop shutting everything off and avoid it through partying and drugs.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, what drugs are you on right now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I am on impact right now.

NICK: She nods, calmly.

LILIT (as Xianna): Again, it does increase my performance. I am a better fighter on it, okay?

NICK (as Taan): That makes sense.

NICK: We cut back to Karma and Tink. You find yourself seated around an energy generator on some camp chairs with the yellow Twi’lek you learn is named Colonel Kachadorian. Endo and a couple of Endo’s pirates have also gathered nearby. Endo isn’t saying anything, but he seems to be well-respected and nobody seems suspicious of him wanting to hear what’s going on. You are both holding warm cups of caf and Colonel Kachadorian says:

NICK (as Kachadorian): So, you have helped us out in our time of need. What can I do for you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, from talking to Taan, it seems like snacks are off the table.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh yes, we are barely making ends meet. I feel compelled to offer to help you, but we could use your help more.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, what are we here for again?

NICK (as Endo): Yeah Karma, why did you come here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Excuse me. Please don’t talk to me.

CAMERON: Karma doesn’t even look towards Endo.

NICK: The colonel raises his eyebrows and smiles.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh, you have some history.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, he was a prisoner at an incarceration facility. So, we don’t need any repayment for assisting in taking down the transport. Honestly, it was a pleasure. I don’t know on strategy on that one if it was necessarily the best move, but I also don’t know the full state of where y’all are at right now and you may be in a position where that level of a desperate attempt… That was not well-balanced… Yeah.

NICK (as Kachadorian): I regret the stage that we are at, but the Empire has taken us to some desperate straits. We are barely holding on. But, their occupation has grown more and more costly on their end as well. We hope to get them off of Ryloth in the near future.

CAMERON (as Karma): Has your main focus been like today where you’re wanting to capture the Empire assets or are you more just causing those assets to become unusable for the Empire?

NICK (as Kachadorian): How you say… a little of column A, a little of column B?

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Fair enough.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This mission was supposed to get us supplies to get us through the next few months. Unfortunately, it sounds like they knew we were coming. No idea how that could have happened, but unfortunately we will have to rely on our friend Endo for some more smuggling.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs]

NICK (as Kachadorian): He’s been selfless in keeping us there even if his services are expensive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. How much connection do you have within Lessu?

NICK (as Kachadorian): We have some. Some citizens help us, some are afraid. We know some things going on, but we cannot predict the Empire’s movements beyond the normal schedule.

CAMERON (as Karma): The city seemed fairly well locked down, lots of checkpoints in places.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): My main concern would be that someone who was aware of your efforts being interrogated, forced into revealing things, or tempted into revealing things to the Empire units on the planet. Because the state of the… The people within Lessu are not doing well either within this occupation. I see lots of desperation all around.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Every mission we do is a risk. I know that the citizenry is desperate as well, but hopefully in the near future we will kick the Empire out. In fact, if you are willing to help us with something very dangerous and very risky, we may be able to kick them out once and for all.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re in.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa, hold on. I’m listening.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh wait, not yet? Not yet?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not yet.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

NICK: And we cut back to Taan and Xiann.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, this is a losing fight. I’m not sure we can kick the Empire out no matter how we try. ColonelKachadorian has plans and ideals, but most of our funds go to securing supplies and the Empire always has more troops. I can’t leave because my fellow Twi’leks need me. I’m happy that you got out, but I’m also sad that you wouldn’t stay to fight for our home.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we were children. We should not have had to be making those decisions. There were other people that would have fought.

NICK (as Taan): Do you remember little Milli, friend of ours? Her mother disappeared around the same time ours did.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, they did not disappear, they were violently dragged out of their houses and we just never knew exactly what happened to them.

NICK (as Taan): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): But yes, I remember.

NICK (as Taan): They probably died around the same time. Little Milli, the day I was going to meet you, tried to kill some stormtroopers and she got caught. I had to go and help break her out before they sent her to jail. She wouldn’t have made it without me, and that’s what made me decide to stay, seeing one of our friends almost get disappeared just like our mother. I couldn’t handle it.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is very noble of you, but also it was a losing fight at that time.

NICK (as Taan): It still is.

LILIT (as Xianna): We were literally children. There was only so much that two of us could do. At the time it felt like a better move to just leave, go somewhere less occupied and just accept that the Empire was in control of things, live more peacefully.

NICK (as Taan): Well…

LILIT (as Xianna): But, you know, you stranded me on a ship I had already paid for, so I left.

NICK (as Taan): Maybe you made the right choice. Milli is dead now, and nothing has much changed. But how do you sleep at night, Xiann? Do you sleep well?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I do sleep well. I have a big round bed and it rotates and if I clap I have a disco ball.

NICK: She looks stunned for a second.

LILIT (as Xianna): It might be worth noting that the ship we are on is a repurposed party yacht of dubious origins.

NICK (as Taan): It sounds like you’ve really found your place. That’s… Look. I was feeling a lot of emotions when I saw you, it’s been so long, but I genuinely am happy for you. It sounds like you found something good. This is good.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, and now that I’m older and better equipped to deal with it, yes, we are fighting against the Empire now in a sort of roundabout way.

NICK (as Taan): There’s no way to get out of it, is there?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, there really isn’t, but I still feel like children should not have been involved, and that is your decision that you made, but I still can’t help but feel resentful that you chose other people over me.

NICK: She sniffs a little, and she’s relaxed some into the chair, and she looks at you and says:

NICK (as Taan): Fifty thousand credits. Do you know anything about that? I know the money did not come from our uncle.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, did I steal it? I’m sorry. Wait. What do you mean by fifty thousand? I don’t remember stealing fifty thousand. Well, not this time specifically. I have stolen that exact amount in the past, but…

NICK (as Taan): Xiann. Xiann, focus. Focus up. Our uncle gave the resistance 50,000 Credits a few months ago.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, those were my credits. They were stolen, mostly, I think.

NICK (as Taan): You know that kept us alive all this time, right? That was a lot of money.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am glad it went to something useful.

NICK (as Taan): Thank you.

LILIT (as Xianna): If I had kept it myself I probably would have just lost it somehow.

NICK (as Taan): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): It always feels like whenever I get a large amount of money I somehow don’t have access to it a short time later. I have no idea how. I just can’t seem to keep onto it.

NICK (as Taan): Well, thank you for… thinking of me. That’s…

NICK: She gets up.

NICK (as Taan): This is not for the money. This is because I’m happy to see you.

NICK: And she holds her hands out for a big hug.

LILIT: Xianna goes in and gives a big hug and squeezes, and then whispers.

LILIT (as Xianna): And we also blew up an Empire shipyard, so…

NICK (as Taan): Oh kriff!

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, I’m just saying, I am doing my part for the war effort or whatever.

NICK: She puts her hands on your shoulders and holds you back so she can get a full view of your face.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann, that’s pretty impressive, but was it on purpose though?

[moment of silence]

NICK: [chuckles] And we’re gonna cut away to Karma and Tink. There’s little diagrams in the dirt, it looks like an organizational chart, andKachadorian is saying:

NICK (asKachadorian): So, our last ditch effort is to assassinate the governor of Ryloth, and I’ve seen the weapons that you bring and heard reports of your skills. Quite frankly, I think that we could pay you for the work.

NICK (as HK): You son of a bitch I’m in.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. Can I say it now, Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): [sighs] Just a little bit more information for me, before you say that, Tink. Okay? Just like a few more minutes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as HK): But Karma, I already said you son of a bitch I’m in. That is contractually binding.

CAMERON (as Karma): Buddy, I know you’re in. The rest of the crew is still TBD.

NICK (as HK): We are part of an LLC. My word is binding as CEO and CFO.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, we’re part of a C corporation. We did that for tax purposes, dang it.

NICK (as HK): Oh right, I forgot. Please continue, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weary] Uh… Governor of Ryloth is in Lessu?

NICK (asKachadorian): Yes. Yes, it is the capital city of Ryloth. Where else would they be?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly wasn’t sure.

NICK (asKachadorian): There’s even a mansion gubernatorial.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. If you had to give just a rough base estimate, what would you say totals are for troops? At least within the Lessu area at this time.

NICK (as Kachadorian): This is not an assignment I would tackle head-on. They have thousands.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, I wasn’t going through the stormtroopers. I was just wondering.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It’s a full imperial detachment. They have periodic resupply and reinforcement from the star destroyer patrols in orbit. You would need to strike hard and strike fast.

CAMERON (as Karma): But we’re still at the star destroyer patrols phase and not at the blockade phase?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Did you see one on the way in?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I did not see one on the way in. Alright, that’s good.

NICK (as Kachadorian): So they are not expecting much more resistance than what we do day to day.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It is possible you could sneak in, kill the governor, and get back out.

CAMERON: Is one of the maps he had sketched out on the ground of the city of Lessu?

NICK: No, but you’ve been there and you could draw a square and then a circle and some roads.

CAMERON: Okay. I draw a square, and then a circle, and one bridge coming off of it, but it’s kind of a dotted line bridge, it’s not stable. I kind of wave… I guess I drew it with my sword, because that was the stick I had on me. I kinda wave it around.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where within Lessu is the mansion located?

NICK: He quirks a smile and makes eye contact with Endo who’s been sitting there quietly, and he takes his stick and he points to the top of the mountain.

CAMERON (as Karma): Of course it is.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It’s, uh… it’s metaphoric, no?

CAMERON: Huh. So safe in assuming that is past… that I would know that is past multiple of the checkpoints that I went through?

NICK: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

CAMERON: Okay.

NICK: It’s in a neighborhood you didn’t even go to because it was secured enough, and you all were messing around with the normal citizenry not the upper class.

CAMERON: Yup.

HUDSON (as Tink): So… we’re in?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’d very much like to be in, but I do feel bad making that decision without Xianna being aware of the fact that we’re signing her up for something.

NICK: At this point we see Xianna and Taan’na walking back towards you all. Endo looks less relaxed and stands up and moves away from the group just a little bit. Xianna, what about these two’s body language shows that they’ve at least come to a truce if not forgiven each other?

LILIT: I think one that Tink and Karma wouldn’t necessarily notice as much as everyone else in the room, but the two of them are no longer speaking to each other in lekku languages and are not yelling at each other or being sarcastic with their lekku anymore.

NICK: Okay. You all walk up and Colonel Kachadorian gestures widely.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Taan! I found you a group of assassins to go and finish off the governor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit! Are we doing political assassinations now?

NICK (as Kachadorian): Yes we are!

HUDSON (as Tink): [excitedly] Xianna! We got signed up. We got signed up. We got signed up. Oh, I can say it now!

CAMERON (as Karma): We haven’t officially said yes, in case you have any strong oppositions.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m so close to saying it, though.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know.

NICK: [smiling] Something that you all may want to think about is you did not come here to kill the governor, you came here to get some stuff from Endo, so this is kind of a side distraction.

CAMERON: Yes, but so what I’m thinking is… Endo seems like the most useful fight-wise out of any of them, and he’s not gonna let us go off by ourselves, so if he follows us off into the non-base area where we’re not surrounded by Twi’lek resistance and he happens to die… oh darn, how terrible for him.

LILIT: Xianna is leaned over the table looking at all the blueprints and the maps and is pointing at things and has somehow gotten a pencil and is crossing things out and adding little notes.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, Karma, you are okay with straight-up planned murder now?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s called a political assassination of the “Empire’s” guy, so yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m just making sure. Usually you tell us we should not just “plan” the murders out.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I’m not—This is an infiltration effort that definitely the end is that we are killing someone. But, you know, really we’re, it’s uh… Hmm. I don’t really equate murder and killing war criminals to the same thing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s my line.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool, cool, cool. I get to keep whatever I steal, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, sure.

LILIT (as Xianna): Awesome. Great.

NICK (as Taan): Xiann!

LILIT (as Xianna): What?!

NICK (as Taan): We are freeing our people and you are focused on the money. We just talked about this.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not necessarily the money, just if there are any cool items. Like, my girlfriend’s birthday is coming up and I need to get her something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I bet the governor’s mansion has a ton of cool items.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know. Exactly. She would love it. I probably should get her a few things, some that are just for her and some that she would be very excited to sell. You know?

CAMERON (as Karma): I do have a strange inkling that the governor’s mansion may be full of, I don’t know, cultural… important cultural artifacts from Lessu.

NICK (as Kachadorian): It absolutely is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Part of why we have not launched an assault. It’s a building that has important meaning to us as a people.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, obviously I’m not stealing those things, I’m stealing, like… the gaudy gem necklaces and stuff like that.

NICK (as Kachadorian): Oh yeah, feel free to take whatever kinds of imperial bullshit that you want. I don’t care as long as you kill the governor.

NICK: And Kachadorian winks at you.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like everybody should know at this point that I’m not going to steal the cultural artifacts.

NICK (as Taan): I was a little concerned. From what we’ve talked about so far I didn’t know where your line was. I’m glad it is there.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I would steal his shoes and wine collection.

NICK: We see Xianna go pale and then flush as she remembers the situation with her wine collection that recently was discovered. [laughs]

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh no.

LILIT: She shakes her head and glares at Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am not going to get overly mad. It is in the past, and I cannot change it. Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, can I say it?

NICK (as HK): But secondary user, it may be in the past and you cannot change it, but you could get your vengeance.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK?!

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you are not helping.

NICK (as HK): Sorry, I am getting excited about the idea of killing someone.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gritted] Alright. Can I say it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, you can say it!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, Tink. Go.

HUDSON: I get excited. I start jumping up and down. I point to Karma and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to Xianna and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to HK and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re in!

HUDSON: And I point to Endo and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re Endo!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: And then I point to me and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m in! We’re all in!

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 28 Projectile Explosives

PDF download: S2 Episode 28 Projectile Explosives

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 28:
Projectile Explosives

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I’d like to thank Chris Russell for his character, Carson Agen, who is featured in this episode. If you’d also like to have an original character in an episode, check out the $10 Build-A-Beru level on our Patreon. It also gives you access to our Patreon secret feed with bloopers and side shows, our movie night tier, and more. You can find that link on our social media and in the episode show notes.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 28 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your host and game master, Nick. It’s a lovely evening in the summer of our lives. Thank you for being here with us. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing this evening, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. Also, I don’t think it will be summer when this comes out.

NICK: That’s fine. Oh, no, like metaphorically, summer of our lives.

CAMERON: Oh, okay.

NICK: That’s like… different. It doesn’t mean it’s summer.

LILIT: I mean, it’ll be technically summer.

CAMERON: It’s like spring of our lives right now.

LILIT: This will be coming out in like… June, or July. I don’t know how time works.

NICK: Isn’t June summer?

LILIT: I feel like June is Texas summer.

HUDSON: June and July are summer everywhere, I thought.

LILIT: To me, summer is anything over 70 degrees as the norm.

HUDSON: Ah.

CAMERON: Oh wow, so most of the year.

NICK: Oh, so summer nine months out of the year.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: I guess 75. Yeah, Texas summer lasts from about May until mid-October.

NICK: Perfect. Last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: So summer of our lives sounds like a soap opera which makes me think we need to have a soap opera episode.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT: Yeah, The Sands of Tatooine.

HUDSON: Eh.

NICK: Every episode is a soap opera episode.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great.

[laughter]

NICK: Off to a great start. Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

CAMERON: Bweh-bweh-bweh. {disappointed, foreboding}

NICK: You can’t tell, but I’m pointing two fingers towards the sky like someone who just scored a touchdown and wants to be like “yeah!”

LILIT: “This is for Gandalf!”

NICK: [laughs] Yeah. “Gandalf #1!”

CAMERON: If it’s three dark side, wouldn’t it be a field goal?

NICK: Man, everybody’s got jokes today.

CAMERON: Ha~

HUDSON: No, three dark side is like, uh, what is that… a hat trick.

[laughter, upbeat music begins]

NICK: When we last left off, the crew of the Afternoon Delight had descended upon Lessu, the capital city of Ryloth, and started to collect information about where this mysterious Tognath who had stolen the Force artifact out from under their noses on Coruscant could be located.

Xianna had an emotional conversation with her uncle. Karma had a very productive conversation with a bounty office. Tink, you put on a trench coat and matching fedora and threatened a random bar owner until he told you which direction to walk in. And that’s where we’re going to start off.

[shift to stompy western music]

We see the crew of the Afternoon Delight. They have all made it to this back alley on Lessu here by different leads, and they all see their target at the same time. It’s a smaller Human with red hair leaning on a post and watching a setup for a back alley blurrg race. Some sort of organizer walks by, shouting that the race will start in five minutes. The air is filled with the sounds and smells of nervous blurrgs getting ready to run.

What do you all do? You’ve noticed each other coming from different directions heading towards this red-haired Human. Do you meet up with each other first or do you intercept your contact?

HUDSON: I think we all meet up together first.

NICK: Okay. We see the three of you—the four of you, because HK’s been following one of you around, probably—intersect probably ten meters from this guy who’s watching the blurrgs, and you have a moment to talk.

[music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Who do y’all have your money on?

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am not placing any bets.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… I did.

CAMERON (as Karma): Who are you betting on?

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m betting on Ratatouille, 3,944 Credits.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you have that many credits.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s literally how many I have, total.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well, um…

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, where did you get that many credits? You’ve just been saving them? I asked you for 20 Credits last week and you said you had nothing.

HUDSON (as Tink): I didn’t have anything ON me. It was tied up.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why do you have it all on you now?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I mean, after I heard about the blurrg race I just decided to untie it. It was tied up in my pocket.

CAMERON (as Karma): [stammers, confused]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, that is what you meant?! I needed 20 Credits last week.

HUDSON (as Tink): It was tied up, like I said, in like a little baggie.

LILIT (as Xianna): You could have untied it!

HUDSON (as Tink): Nah, I’m very frugal, and only in situations like this when it’s worthwhile do I…

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…!

LILIT (as Xianna): It was worthwhile last week.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh… debatable.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god.

NICK: The crier that had walked by saying the race was about to start leans in to the red-haired Human that you had been directed to find and says something then stands back up.

NICK (as crier): Top odds, Speed Skiff, 2 to 1. Bottom odds, Ratatouille, 150 to 1.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, why did you do this? Okay… We cannot get caught up in this conversation. Anyways. I am assuming everybody else came here because they were told to find the contact.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yep, Carson.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. Let’s go talk to him, then. Tink, you be quiet.

HUDSON: I put my fedora a little bit lower on my head.

[chuckling]

NICK: Because he’s still wearing the coat and fedora.

HUDSON: Yes.

[accordion and guitar music begins]

NICK: The three of you approach this gentleman. He senses as you get close and turns around, and we see that Carson stands tall but is probably only about 5’6”, he just has very good posture. His build is slender but well-muscled. He has bright red hair, and it’s swept back away from his eyes in a very fashionable haircut, and you can’t help but notice his bright icy blue eyes.

He’s wearing a dark red jacket and brown fingerless gloves and black space skinny jeans, cutting a very fashionable look in this race. He looks at the four of you, pauses for a second, taps a finger to his lips, and says:

NICK (as Carson): Now this is not what I was expecting to see.

LILIT: Xianna waves.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello.

NICK (as Carson): Well hi.

LILIT (as Xianna): We hate to interrupt your… blurrg racing viewing, however we would like to have a little chat with you, if we could.

NICK (as Carson): Absolutely. People tend to find me at the races. That’s why I come to them all the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes… very nice. So, we are hoping that you can point us in the correct direction to find an old friend of ours who we have happened to lose.

NICK (as Carson): Well that depends, is this old friend like “oh when I see this old friend again I’m going to stab them in the face” or old friend like “oh gosh, do you remember when you came to my kid’s birthday party and we accidentally got really drunk?”

[music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh…

HUDSON (as Tink): It could be both, really.

LILIT (as Xianna): It could be both. Yeah. Why not? I have a few friends that are like that. But mostly A, mostly A.

NICK (as Carson): Okay, so old friend like as a euphemism for some sort of bitter enemy or rival.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct.

NICK (as Carson): Agh… The business that I’m in doesn’t usually respond well to me pointing enemies or rivals at each other. I’m supposed to keep things on the down-low.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, we can be very sneaky.

NICK (as Carson): Oh, I don’t doubt it, sweetie, but who are you looking for exactly?

CAMERON: Karma pops out the data pad and shows the photo.

LILIT: Xianna gestures in a very sort of flourished manner.

LILIT (as Xianna): As you can see by this data pad, we are looking for a Tognath by the name of Endo.

NICK: He pales a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ah, I see you know him.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Tries to cover it by coughing into his hand, and then clasps his hands in front of him.

NICK (as Carson): Yeah, I’ve never heard of him. It’s really unfortunate. Uh… oh, looks like the race is about to start. I guess I’ll talk to you later.

[high energy western music begins]

LILIT: Xianna is going to go up to him, put an arm around him, and put one of her other hands in her coat, and inside her coat is at least one blaster, and going to poke the blaster up against him.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but I would really like to have this conversation right now, if you know what I mean.

NICK (as Carson): Huh… we escalated to violence even faster than I was expecting.

NICK: He looks at the rest of you standing around.

NICK (as Carson): Are you gonna let her just threaten me in public like this?

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re not threatening you, we’re enjoying the blurrg race.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, my friend made a stupid bet. We’ve gotta see if he won.

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you bet on any of them?

CAMERON (as Karma): No!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, I’m talking to Carson.

NICK (as Carson): Yeah, uh… Speedy Pete, the one with the third bet. I have it in good authority that this night’s his night.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah Tink, these races are all fixed. Do you not know that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I’m pretty lucky, even with fixed races.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, my goodness.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exhales]

LILIT (as Xianna): But anyways, yes, it is maybe not a good idea to look to them for help. They will let me do this.

CAMERON (as Karma): We’re not at violence yet.

NICK: HK looks at Carson.

NICK (as HK): We will absolutely shoot you in public.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, HK definitely will. He is like a full murderer.

NICK (as HK): I’ll do it right now, motherkriffer.

CAMERON (as Karma): N-No… Stand down, HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): Getting a little heated there, HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, too enthusiastic. Dial it back down.

[music ends]

NICK (as HK): Something about this guy just rubs me the wrong way.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you are at like an 11 and we need you to pull back down to like a 4.

NICK (as HK): That’s HK, baby. I’m always at an 11.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, I think you forgot to uninstall something.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, HK is very weird right now.

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I had him watch a lot of reality TV recently.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that was bad.

NICK (as HK): You mean THIS situation? (clank, clank, clank)

[laughter]

LILIT: Xianna just shakes her head and then squeezes the arm around Carson a little bit tighter.

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways, um, just wanting to get the information sooner than later, because I do not want to stay on this planet any longer than I have to.

NICK (as Carson): You don’t like Ryloth?

LILIT (as Xianna): Look, it is a shithole planet full of sand and stormtroopers, and I would like to leave. Okay?

NICK (as Carson): Sure it’s not the best, and there are a lot of stormtroopers, but it’s a dry heat.

NICK: And he smiles at you winningly.

LILIT (as Xianna): I do not care. Okay. Can you just… uh, give us some sort of information? What is your deal that you want to do? Give us a price, whatever. How do we get the information we are wanting to get? Because I can very clearly see that you know where Endo is.

NICK (as Carson): Alright, enough tiptoeing around it. I don’t know where Endo’s home base, as you would call it, is. I do know he’s set up near Lessu somewhere, but I haven’t had a chance to figure out where. But, I do know where he’ll be in the next couple of hours, and I’m willing to give you that information for 10,000 Credits.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, 10,000 Credits?

NICK (as Carson): Well you have to sponsor me fleeing the planet. If Endo ever finds out that I did something, it’ll be worse than… well, worse than some of the things that have happened to me in the past.

CAMERON: Karma slides the data pad away.

CAMERON (as Karma): He won’t find out.

CAMERON: And there’s just a camera shot of all of the weaponry on karma.

NICK (as Carson): Oh yes, you’re very intimidating, it’s very scary, but I’ve seen Endo get out of plenty of bad situations and I just can’t take that risk. Ten thousand credits.

[slinky music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): Carson, Carson… what if we made an arrangement?

HUDSON: And I wink.

NICK: Carson looks Tink up and down.

NICK (as Carson): I might be able to be persuaded. You’re a big strong guy. What did you have in mind?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I had this payment plan that I learned about.

[shift to quirky shopping music]

LILIT: Xianna pulls her hand out of her coat and rubs at her eyes.

LILIT (as Xianna): [giggling] Oh my god, Tink. I thought you were going in a very different direction.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you can’t wink when you say that. I thought we talked about this.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, it was just a confidence wink, that’s all.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

LILIT: Xianna turns back to Carson.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am sorry for my friend. Um… I mean, if you want to figure out if you want to go on a date with him later, you can, but I don’t think he was meaning it in that way.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m talking about the sexiest of things, compound interest. Are you familiar, Carson?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as Carson): Oh, I don’t think I’ve heard of that position before.

HUDSON (as Tink): [stammering] No, uh—

LILIT (as Xianna): No, he literally means a payment plan. He is just very weird.

NICK (as Carson): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): He does not mean to exchange any intimacy for the information.

NICK (as Carson): Oh…

[music ends]

NICK: [bursting noise] And a starting gun goes off, and the blurrgs take off down this alleyway. It looks like the course is around buildings and through back alleys, and from where you’re standing you can see long runs of it, but they disappear behind buildings and reappear. Also, blurrgs are not that fast. This is the equivalent of like a donkey race. They just kind of plod enthusiastically forward, so it takes quite a while.

Carson waits for them to get far enough away that you can hear him over the almost mooing sound that they make as they jostle each other for position. Ratatouille, the blurrg that Tink bet on, has a bunch of large flies buzzing around his head and didn’t move when the race got started. You can see the jockey kicking at Ratatouille and Ratatouille doesn’t move, and the jockey finally hops off, grabs the reins, and pulls Ratatouille out of the starting line and gets him to get moving, and then runs and jumps on his back as he starts to chase after the group.

HUDSON (as Tink): This is a tortoise and hare situation, guys. It’s gonna work out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh. Tink, why?

NICK (as Carson): Oh… sweet stuff, did you bet on Ratatouille?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I told you he made a stupid bet.

NICK (as Carson): I didn’t—So, there’s the stupid bets and then there’s throwing your money away. I wasn’t expecting the…

CAMERON (as Karma): I was being generous.

NICK (as Carson): Oh. You seem like a very generous person. So, I’m afraid, uh, tall white and hairy, I don’t understand. Am I collecting interest from you? Are you offering me a loan? This seems very complicated for a simple 10,000 Credit payoff.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, if we set up 30 easy payments of whatever 30 divided by 10,000 is, then we will put interest attached to that credits over time, and the interest compounds, you see. So, once you start with, uh, let’s say 1.25% interest over time. You’ll make yourself a buttload, my friend.

NICK (as Carson): Now is this compounding daily, weekly, or continuously?

HUDSON (as Tink): Continuously!

NICK (as Carson): Oh, we got that E to the 124 or whatever the equation is.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink! We would end up paying him more in the long run. That is bad for us!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes, but by that time the chances of one of us becoming super mega rich would increase exponentially.

NICK (as Carson): Now I do have an issue which is that I can’t trust you to continue the payments, so what if we put the full 10,000 Credits in an escrow to be paid out by a trust over time?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh…

NICK: He smiles roguishly at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Interesting proposition, but what would be the intermediary and how much collateral would need to be put up?

NICK (as Carson): I would insist on the full 10,000, unfortunately, and the intermediary would be, like I said, this is my cousin, Doug Escrow.

NICK: And a small Danny DeVito looking guy walks up and goes…

NICK (as Doug): Ey!

NICK: …and then walks away.

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, uh…

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh Tink, what if you just hack into the system and take 10,000 from somebody else?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I could do that, but what if—Okay. What if we just wait for my blurrg to win?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay fine, we will wait to see if your weird little blurrg wins, and when your blurrg does not win you can just take the 10,000 from somebody else’s bank account. It’s worked before.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know we have at least one bank account number.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I feel like Falx has money now. We can just do that whole thing again.

NICK: The race is about half done, and Ratatouille has caught up with the rest of the group and is actually starting to shove his way towards the front of the pack. Several of the other jockeys are punching at the jockey on Ratatouille who just has his hands up in the air and is clearly yelling, like “I’m not doing it, it’s just the blurrg!” Carson has a faraway look in his eye.

[somber music begins]

NICK (as Carson): Did you say Falx…?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you happen to know him?

NICK (as Carson): Like Falx Urnstad?

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is who we are talking about.

NICK (as Carson): Like, the minor assistant moff?

LILIT (as Xianna): Former.

CAMERON (as Karma): Regional governor or prison warden, I think.

LILIT (as Xianna): Former for both of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, all past tense.

NICK (as Carson): Just a devastatingly handsome and intelligent Zabrak man? Very fond of martinis?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, we might be talking about a different person now, because he does like the martinis, but I don’t know about the other things.

CAMERON (as Karma): Like, beauty is subjective, y’all can have different opinions on this. He’s very, very stylish and well-dressed.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, he is an attractive man, it is just the intelligent part that I would like to point out.

CAMERON (as Karma): He’s not dead, and I do think that gives him some, like…

LILIT (as Xianna): True, but…

CAMERON (as Karma): That raises his intelligence score a little bit.

LILIT (as Xianna): There was just a lot going on. I feel like he did not know we were even at his own prison.

NICK (as Carson): You… So you’ve had a run-in with Falx? You know—

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, multiple.

NICK (as Carson): Heh. I had a few run-ins with him myself, actually.

CAMERON (as Karma): He keeps showing back up.

NICK (as Carson): Yeah, he has a habit of that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

NICK (as Carson): You know, me and him used to date back in the day.

CAMERON (as Karma): Really?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, my condolences.

NICK (as Carson): It was fun while it lasted. Did you, uh… hurt him?

LILIT (as Xianna): Not yet.

CAMERON (as Karma): No?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean emotionally or like mentally or physically?

NICK (as Carson): I’d take either option, hot stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): I feel like I have shot at him. Did I? I don’t know. I don’t really remember the whole party where he did a murder. And we were supposed to solve it? I do not remember that, that night.

CAMERON (as Karma): We have ruined several jobs for him, like completely removed him from high-ranking positions.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think they closed the prison.

NICK (as Carson): Well, if you made that kriffhead’s life harder, you know… forget the 10,000 Credits. I think I can get you the information you need.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure? Because we can still have Tink hack into Falx’s accounts and take it from there.

NICK (as Carson): You can try. If you wanna steal from him, I’ll take his money I suppose.

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think it is—

HUDSON (as Tink): We don’t need that money! I’m gonna win the race!

LILIT (as Xianna): I just think it is fun.

NICK: The camera cuts over. Ratatouille is in first, but not because it is going the fastest, but because it is weaving back and forth across the alley and going slower, so there’s like a pileup behind it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, how much money did you bet?

HUDSON (as Tink): 3,944 Credits.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay. I couldn’t remember how high the second number was, so I wasn’t sure if tripling it was actually—Oh no! This was the 150 to 1, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, so I win 150 Credits if I win.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh wow, okay, never mind. No, no…

LILIT (as Xianna): That is not how that works, Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): Pretty sure that’s like the highest you can win in this race. That was the biggest number.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh. If you do win, please take Xianna with you when you collect your money.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait Tink, why would you pay nearly 4,000 Credits if you thought you were only going to get 150 back?

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean… sometimes you just feel like being a risk-taker, you know, and this is the most you can win.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is not a risk!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, weren’t you listening? It has to do with compound interest over time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my god.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Okay. I need everybody to stop talking! Except you, Carson, you keep talking. Please tell us where Endo is so that we can leave you to your races.

[gentle music begins]

NICK (as Carson): Alright, uh… I just need you to make me one promise. If you see Falx again, punch him in his smug face.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, I can do that.

CAMERON (as Karma): Can do.

NICK (as Carson): Each of you. I want each of you to punch him in succession.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as Carson): In his smug face.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have an order preference?

NICK (as Carson): Um, whatever would be the most surprising? So maybe the little Twi’lek first, and then the big hairy guy—

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think that’s most surprising, actually. [laughs]

NICK (as Carson): Well, but so like, you strike me as someone who hits a lot harder than it looks like they hit.

NICK: He’s pointing at Karma.

NICK (as Carson): So maybe if Tink punches first so that he thinks that’s the worst of it and then you just knock his teeth out. That would be…

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually, I do think the most surprising person to punch Falx would be Tink, and then me, and then Karma, and then HK, and then we shoot him. That sounds correct. Yeah.

NICK (as Carson): Either way. I’m good with a punch. I don’t want you to—If you run into him again, you’ll probably be tied up in some shenanigan where you’re going to need him for something. That seems to be how it works.

CAMERON (as Karma): Unfortunately yes, that does seem how it works.

[gentle music fades]

NICK (as Carson): Best of luck to you.

NICK: The race is coming to a close. There’s a straightaway coming back towards the starting line. Ratatouille is still in first. He’s started to pull away because the other blurrgs have begun to fight amongst each other. He gets about five meters from the finish line and skids to a halt, stopping just shy of the finish line.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

NICK: Flip me a dark side point, would you?

HUDSON: Aw man!

[laughter]

NICK: He just takes this giant smelly dump right where he’s standing, and all of the other blurrgs run around Ratatouille. Sneaky Pete finishes in first and Carson sees that out of the corner of his eye.

NICK (as Carson): Yes! … Yeah, Ratatouille isn’t such a long odds because he’s the worst racer, it’s more due to unfortunate timing. Sorry Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s okay. I mean, how much could I have even won? Oh wait, 150, that’s right.

CAMERON (as Karma): [heavy sigh]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, you would have won 591,600 Credits!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

CAMERON (as Karma): [amused] Xianna, I thought you didn’t do math.

LILIT (as Xianna): I do when it comes to this.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you come up with that in your head?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I did.

[laughter]

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my gosh!

[gentle music returns]

NICK (as Carson): Anyway. Y’all have been fun. If you punch Falx, that would be great. I think I feel a stronger connection to you having heard that you’ve messed with him. Man, just kriff that guy. Kriff that guy to hell. Ugh, man. Just being a devilishly good-looking and intelligent and caring person, and an amazing love-maker, just does not make up for… does not make up for just general assholery over time.

[sickened sounds and snickering]

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Carson): But, I’m distracted. The important thing is Endo should be outside of town. If you take the bridge over the ravine and head that direction, and follow the imperial road out to about the horizon, I think he’s trying to attack some sort of supply convoy. The plan was to do it in a couple hours. You should be able to catch him there.

[gentle music ends]

LILIT: Xianna removes her arm from around Carson.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, thank you for your time. I mean, I would have thought Falx was more of a pillow prince, but like… that is surprising information to know, so thank you. Uh… for the information on Endo, not for anything about Falx.

LILIT: She does a little salute.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I promise I will punch Falx in the face next time I see him.

NICK (as Carson): Thank you, and uh… sorry about your loss there, Tink. That’s pretty brutal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, you know, you win some, you lose some. Then you lose some more. Then you lose it all. But then you might win some in the future if you happen upon a credit on the ground.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, that’s called the gambler’s fallacy.

HUDSON (as Tink): What? Wait. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, okay. I think everybody is just a little worked up being in the heat, and you know, Tink losing his race, so let’s just go back to the ship. We will get our speeders and then we will go find Endo. Sound fun?

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a dry heat. It’s gross.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay yes. To the plan. Let’s go.

NICK: So we see the crew heading back to the Afternoon Delight, walking quickly. Xianna, do you show them how to avoid the imperial checkpoint on the way back to the ship?

LILIT: Yes.

NICK: You all are walking towards it. Tink appears to be getting ready to sprint. Karma’s reaching for her badge. We see Xianna—it’s from a distance, so we don’t hear the conversation, but we see her gesture and you all duck through a business and then move through these businesses, ducking behind corners and cabinets to avoid people inside. And you make it back to the ship. You’re standing in the cargo bay of the Afternoon Delight preparing for this potential conflict, and HK says:

NICK (as HK): It sounds like this meeting place is far away. How will we make it there?

CAMERON (as Karma): The speeders.

LILIT (as Xianna): The speeders. We already said that.

NICK (as HK): How long have we had speeders?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… since around the time we picked you up. Before we got you turned back on, I think. It was after your original processor was damaged in that Black Suns fight.

NICK (as HK): It’s weird. I feel like I never come into the storage part of this ship. I forget everything that we have in here. Look, there’s a giant molsoom skin. You had me put that in here earlier. That’s worth a lot of money.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] We should really find somewhere to sell that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, we can sell that somewhere on this planet.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, we could have left that with Nolaa and had her fence it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Eh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did we not think of this?

LILIT (as Xianna): We probably should have.

NICK (as HK): We put it in the storage bay where we forget everything that we put in it.

CAMERON (as Karma): We should really have a checklist of things that are in this room, like on the door or something, so that we don’t forget. I’ll get a whiteboard.

LILIT (as Xianna): This is probably good. But yeah, we have the speeders.

NICK: You all climb onto speeders. There’s only two speeders that you salvaged from Engebo 5 when you took down the Slippery nerfs. So, Tink is flying one with HK clinging onto the back of the speeder. Xianna takes point on the other speeder with Karma set up behind. Karma, you’re able to sit up taller than Xianna with easy reach of your carbine, so with you and HK riding as passengers you’re basically mobile weapons platforms which is pretty cool.

[bouncy western “travel” music begins]

We get a distant shot of these two speeders kicking up dust as you tear out of Lessu and across the laser bridge that covers the ravine. The bridge flickers a little, and the speeders start to drop, and then it turns back on, so it’s scary but otherwise still works.

You drive down this long road. It looks reasonably well-maintained. It’s mostly duracrete and durasteel, set up for allowing heavy speeders to move quickly coming from outside of the city limits, further out into the wilderness, probably where the Empire has shipyards for landing and moving heavy material and where they’re probably harvesting natural resources as well.

I need you all to make a Survival check, collaboratively, for trying to figure out, as you find the basic area, where this ambush is probably going to happen.

LILIT: Can Xianna have a blue die because she knows the territory?

NICK: Absolutely.

LILIT: Five successes and one advantage.

NICK: So, the city of Lessu is just a small blip on the horizon at this point. You’re nestled in amongst some mesas. You find a spot where the road turns very suddenly, and you don’t see the imperial freight speeder coming yet, but you do think this is probably the best place that it would be within a ten kilometer radius. This is a perfect ambush.

What it actually is is probably the second best place to do an ambush, because the first best place would probably not be used because the Empire would be more likely to expect it, so the sightlines aren’t quite as good, it’s not as obvious a place, so it makes the perfect spot for an ambush. Like I said, you’re early to the party, no one else seems to be here yet. What do you do?

[music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): This should be the spot. I guess we wait?

HUDSON (as Tink): Stakeout! I brought the stakes.

LILIT: Does Tink pull out wooden stakes or bantha steaks?

HUDSON: I pull out wooden stakes that are stabbed through bantha steaks.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, have you been keeping those at body temperature this entire time? That is not food safe for your weak organic bodies.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, they’re cooked, right?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, they’re cooked.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, then it’s fine.

NICK (as HK): How long have you had those?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm…

CAMERON (as Karma): The fact that you don’t immediately have an answer is very concerning.

LILIT (as Xianna): Actually—

HUDSON (as Tink): They’re aged like fine wine.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): No. Okay, never mind then.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, so you can age steaks, but that’s not how that works.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah, I assumed you had bought them back in town.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, I just, uh… you know, I bought them, uh… maybe a month ago? But I put my special rub on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh my goodness.

LILIT (as Xianna): A month?! Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… no!

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, they have a rub on them, so they’re gonna last.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, no, that’s not how that works.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s just like a mixture of, you know, different salts, pink salt, white salt.

NICK (as HK): Isn’t that how you make bantha jerky?

HUDSON (as Tink): If you put enough salt on there and rub it hard enough for long enough, then yeah, it makes bantha jerky.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Oh my gosh.

LILIT: Xianna just shakes her head, walks away.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, we should get in position to wait. I don’t even know what you’re trying to do, Tink.

HUDSON: I take a bite out of the bantha steak.

NICK: Uh… it’s like chewing on moldy leather.

CAMERON: Ew.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, this has… this has character, you know? You don’t get them like this often.

CAMERON (as Karma): There’s a reason for that!

NICK: We see the crew pull their speeders up on top of one of the mesas behind an outcropping of rocks and throw a convenient tarp from one of the saddlebags over them to break up the silhouette, and you all hunch down out of the way. Xianna has her scanner goggles on, Karma is looking with her rifle scope, HK is looking, and then after maybe 30 minutes HK stands up straight from behind the cover.

NICK (as HK): I just realized I’m uncomfortable with how much Tink was talking about rubbing on his meat.

CAMERON (as Karma): You just reached that point?

NICK (as HK): My processors are—

CAMERON (as Karma): Get back down!

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, get back down!

NICK: [laughs] HK crouches down. His head whips at a 90 degree angle without his body moving.

NICK (as HK): My processors are very full of reality holovision.

CAMERON (as Karma): Buddy, if you need me to take you to a mechanic before we leave, we can probably make that happen.

NICK (as HK): I would not say no. Boss Man appears to have other priorities.

NICK: His head whips 90 degrees to look at Tink. His face can’t change expression, but you feel like he’s glaring at you accusatorially.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m—What do you mean?

HUDSON: I get really sweaty, like really sweaty, and I don’t look very good. I’m very pale.

HUDSON (as Tink): What do you mean? What are you talking about?

NICK (as HK): Karma, I believe Tink has botulism.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Everybody get down!

HUDSON (as Tink): [vomiting sounds]

CAMERON: [pained laugh] Oh god.

NICK: [pained laugh] Oh, gross!

[relaxed western music begins]

NICK: At this point, as Karma and Xianna are shouting at the other two to get down and pulling them down prone, you see a dust cloud in the distance. It approaches at a very quick speed and resolves itself into four stormtroopers on speeders.

[music turns energetic]

And a large imperial transport. It has a heavy turret on top. It has slits for windows. It looks like it’s carrying supplies and additional troopers. As it gets closer, it pulls up to just beneath where you all are huddled, and there’s a large detonation, and rocks come and pile down onto the road, blocking off this imperial transport.

From the other side of the ravine, somehow without you all noticing, another ambush had been set up on the other side. They were obviously very practiced, familiar with the terrain and skilled. A group of about eight Twi’leks come sliding down the side of this mesa with carbines, shooting at the stormtroopers and this transport. What do you do?

CAMERON: As soon as the explosion happens Karma says:

CAMERON (as Karma): Wow, I’m really glad we drove around to the other side of the mesa. That would… That would not have been good. Anyway.

CAMERON: And starts taking aim at stormtroopers.

NICK: Okay. Are you gonna start shooting at the stormtroopers?

CAMERON: Yup.

NICK: Tink, Xianna, what are you going to do with this ambush kicking off?

LILIT: Xianna has a grenade.

[laughter]

NICK: [smiling] Okay. Are you going to throw the grenade?

LILIT: [laughing] Yes.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. Tink, what’s your plan of attack?

HUDSON: Everything gets really dizzy and I crawl-stumble over behind the speeders to throw up.

[music ends]

NICK: Karma, make me a Ranged (Heavy) roll, Xianna, make me a Ranged (Light) roll, and Tink, I guess make me a Resilience roll?

CAMERON: I’m aiming. What distance are they at?

NICK: We’ll say it’s long range for the sake of blasters, but because you have such a  height advantage you are still able to throw a grenade that far even though technically grenades are short range.

CAMERON: Three successes for Karma.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Xianna is also going to aim.

NICK: [heavy sigh]

CAMERON: Heheheh.

[upbeat stompy western music begins]

LILIT: Yes. And then, Xianna had tied a scarf around her nose and mouth to help with the sand, but before she throws the grenade she pulls it down very briefly, gets something out of her coat pocket, gives it a big sniff, and then pulls her scarf back up around her nose and then throws the grenade. We have two successes, two advantages.

NICK: Nice. Tink, did you roll your Resilience check?

HUDSON: Two advantages.

NICK: Oh… okay. So you are not able to clear your system of the moldy hardened salted steak that you chewed on, so you don’t feel very good, but if you want to find something in the dirt over where you are or somehow give someone a blue die you’re welcome to.

[music fades]

HUDSON: Hmm…

CAMERON: So, HK’s roll is a triumph, two successes, and two threats.

NICK: Perfect. So these Twi’leks come sliding down the hill. You can tell they’re shooting at the Empire. They must be part of the Rebellion. Their carbine blasters are pinging off of this imperial transport, but they do very quickly manage to take down one of the stormtroopers that’s on one of the speeder bikes.

One of the speeder bikes takes off and starts heading back towards town, probably to get reinforcements, but very soon after that the heavy machine gun on top of the transport starts to spin up and strafe over the Twi’lek resistance fighters, and you see several of them brought down by blaster fire pretty much immediately as they try to get in close and under the range of this heavy machine gun. Who wants to shoot slash describe their grenade?

HUDSON: I’m still over behind the speeders, and I have now gone into the fetal position. I’m rubbing my tummy in a figure eight pattern, because medically I feel like that is the best way to make myself feel better, and I just roll back and forth while rubbing my stomach.

NICK: You are realizing how hot it is outside, and you’re rolling in the dust, and it’s getting gritty and in your hair. It’s just a bad time.

HUDSON: I’m just having a hard time. It’s just sad boy hours.

NICK: Aw, poor Tink.

CAMERON: Karma is aiming for the big gun on top of the transport.

NICK: Okay. You’re not gonna be able to destroy it, but you can make it less effective.

CAMERON: I want to take out—damage it slightly, but take out whoever’s currently operating it so that it at least stops.

NICK: Mm-hmm. So, the turret is operated actually from inside the transport, it’s a gun up on top, but you rolled well enough, and with your heat-sensing scope—

CAMERON: I use my heat-sensing scope to look into the transport and I can tell by the way they’re sitting which stormtrooper is using the machine gun. [laughs]

NICK: Well they’re standing directly in the middle.

CAMERON: Oh, okay.

NICK: Like, looking up through the scanner. You can actually thread a shot through one of the windows, like through one of the gun slits, and hit this guy.

CAMERON: Sweet, I do that.

NICK: Yeah. So, we get a shot of Karma taking that out. At this point the Twi’lek resistance fighters are up-close up against the transport, so the turret was starting to swing towards your position, because it couldn’t hit them anymore, but the sides of the transport open up and 30 stormtroopers come pouring out.

[relaxed western music resumes]

There are so many more of them than you were expecting. It looks like this transport was transporting almost no material and was transporting almost entirely troops, almost as if they were expecting to get ambushed. The speeders bikes are swinging back around for another pass to shoot.

HK stands tall and takes a shot and manages to hit the speeder bike that had gotten over the rubble and was running back towards Lessu but doesn’t kill the stormtrooper, just blows out the rear engine, so the threats are that guy is now running towards town and is out of the combat, but it’s gonna take him a long time to get there, so you don’t have to worry about reinforcements too soon, or air support, probably.

Xianna, there are just piles and piles of troops everywhere.

LILIT: During the time Xianna spent aiming is when the transport opened up and the troops started coming out, and that is where she decides to throw her grenade, figuring that’ll be where it’ll do the most harm.

NICK: You had enough advantages to activate Blast, so this grenade goes pink-pink-pink right in the middle of a group. There’s the big cinematic grenade explosion that throws several troops flying into the air.

[explosion, Wilhelm scream, everyone makes pathetic stormtrooper sounds]

NICK: One of the Twi’leks that has rolled underneath the transport for cover, and you can see was shooting at stormtroopers legs, pulls some goggles back from their face and pulls down their scarf and looks up. Xianna, you make eye contact with someone who looks very familiar to you. What does she look like?

[music turns softer and nostalgic]

LILIT: The Twi’lek down below is a shade of purple that’s only a shade or two lighter than Xianna. She has remarkably similar violet colored eyes. On her lekku she has a light gray star field pattern tattooed on.

NICK: Ooh. You recognize your sister, Tanna, who appears to be running with the Ryloth Resistance fighting against the Empire. She sees you, and even from this distance you can read her lips as she says:

NICK (as Tanna): Oh kriff.

LILIT: Xianna drops back down under the cover and then just kind of stares into the sand.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh kriff. Oh no. Okay, uh… okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): You okay, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no… no. Okay. I am too high for this. Everybody keep fighting and we will deal with this in a moment.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: The stormtroopers are winning this battle. About half of the Twi’lek resistance has been killed. You can see that they are basically playing Ring Around the Rosie around this transport, using it for cover. The resistance is trying to stay on one side and the stormtroopers are trying to chase them out, and they’re going around and around, but they’re just too outnumbered even with your covering fire. This is looking really bad.

Tanna is under this transport trying to make herself small as she tries to defend her friends, and you see a flash of motion coming from almost nowhere. In the middle of the stormtroopers there is the sudden appearance of Endo. He’s wearing heavy battle armor and holding two vibro-knives in a reverse grip and just buries both of them in the heads of two stormtroopers next to him, pulling them free with a plastic crack that you can hear all the way from where you are.

A group of pirates come running down the road after him, shooting. The stormtroopers try to get back into the transport, but there’s another blink, Endo disappears, and you see fighting from in the transport and more stormtrooper bodies are kicked out, and then Endo appears in the group again. You can see that a lot of the stormtroopers are shooting at him having identified that he’s the biggest threat, but the blaster bolts just don’t seem to strike home. Even when the shot is almost point-blank he doesn’t get hit, and he’s moving so quickly you almost can’t see him.

As his pirates engage with this group as well, between them and your covering fire and the Twi’lek resistance, you are all able to end these imperial troops and capture this transport. The last of the speeders explodes. We see a shot of a stormtrooper in the far distance running towards Lessu, panting, and far away over his shoulder the last of the blaster fire goes silent.

[music ends]

From where you’re standing, you can see Tanna crawl out from under the transport, smile, and go to shake Endo’s hand.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK, I’m gonna ask you, because you’re not high. Did Endo seem to be moving rather… quickly?

NICK (as HK): I seem to have some sort of fluctuation in my ocular sensors. I was not able to track his movements periodically.

CAMERON (as Karma): So yes. Kind of jumping from place to place. You saw that too.

NICK (as HK): Indeed. I assumed it was a malfunction.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I’m trusting your eyes more than mine right now. Okay, cool.

NICK (as HK): Karma, I am confused. I thought we were here to kill Endo and take his gear, but he is fighting the Empire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… that’s gonna complicate it slightly. Um, but yes, that is still the plan, it’s just we also don’t want to—apparently we’re not gonna wanna screw over the Twi’lek resistance, and apparently they’re friends.

NICK (as HK): There are not that many left. I could potentially take down both the pirates and the Twi’leks from here. Just give the word.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Please don’t shoot the Twi’leks.

LILIT: Xianna is lying in the sand. She is now face-up, arms stretched out, staring straight up into the sky.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you can’t kill the Twi’leks. Or if you do, kill all of them except the purple one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Don’t kill the Twi’leks.

LILIT (as Xianna): But pretty much please don’t kill the Twi’leks.

HUDSON: Tink gets out from behind the speeders and army crawls, so he’s not seen, over to HK, Xianna and Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): [breathing heavily] Hey guys. Hey… [coughs] I think I’m feeling better.

CAMERON (as Karma): Really?

HUDSON: He has this soft but dry but heavy heave that just—over and over again.

CAMERON:  [concerned but disgusted groan]

HUDSON: You can just feel the heat from his hair leaving his body and coming back in.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Karma turns around from where she’d been looking down at the transport over to where Xianna’s laying on the ground and Tink’s kind of crouched down on all fours, army crawling, dry heaving.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are… I’m very glad that we weren’t getting attacked up here. Y’all are not okay. What is happening?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, so Tink ate the bad steak, so he is just physically not good.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

LILIT (as Xianna): We should give him a stim pack. I am just in a very bad mental space right now. I just was not expecting any of the things that happened down there. I was not ready for this.

HUDSON (as Tink): What happened?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no… So Tink, there is a Twi’lek down there, you know.

LILIT: Xianna then flops over so she’s face-down and you just hear:

LILIT (as Xianna): [muffled, groaning] The purple one is my sister.

HUDSON (as Tink): [surprised] Your sister?!

LILIT: Pulls her head back up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I was not expecting this. Uh… I have not maybe directly spoken to my sister in like ten years, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): You said the purple one with the tattoos?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah…

NICK: We get a shot of the four of you peeking your heads up over the rock, and the purple Twi’lek with goggles up on her lekku and a scarf pulled down around her neck sees you again, like she’s been looking up where you were, and points dramatically towards you. Endo nods and flickers out of sight, and you hear a settling of weight in the sand behind you, and you hear a familiar voice say:

NICK (as Endo): Force Commander Tanna asks to speak with you down by the transport, at your convenience.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh you kriff off!

[laughter]

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode!

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 27 Loose in Lessu

PDF download: S2 Episode 27 Loose in Lessu

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 27:
Loose in Lessu

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

If you’re wondering why you’ve been hearing my voice in the intros for two weeks now, it is because Nick and I have switched editing roles. I will now be editing the main show and Nick will be editing our Patreon exclusive content.

Musical credits and content warnings are available in the show notes.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 27 of Season 2! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I’m interested in telling you about Star Wars today. I hope that you are interested in this new and revolutionary topic, and we’ll all learn something together. But before we go into my 45 minute informative speech, let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you are playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi. I’m 30 under 30 visional luminary Hudson Jameson.

CAMERON: giggles]

NICK: [chuckling] And who are you playing today, 30 under 30 visional luminary Hudson Jameson?

HUDSON: Well, as a visional luminary, I’ve chosen to perform as Tink, the Gigoran slicer.

NICK: I do have to ask. Are you saying “visional?” Is that a word.

[Hudson presumably nods]

NICK: [laughing] Okay.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: I did say visional. I’m sticking by it.

NICK: It’s like a special kind of toilet. “I used the visional.”

HUDSON: Yeah. [laughs]

LILIT: Yeah. It’s a combination of visionary and visual.

CAMERON: Oh…

HUDSON: No, visionary and magical.

LILIT: Oh. I’m sorry, that was my mistake.

NICK: Next up, we’ve already heard their voice, we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello! I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. Are you interested in becoming your own boss?

HUDSON: [gasps]

LILIT: Because Nick’s little spiel at the beginning 100% sounded like the intro to some sort of MLM where someone that I knew from high school is gonna message me being like “hey, how’s it doing? Do you wanna learn how to be your own boss while working from home?”

NICK: Boy do I!

LILIT: [laughs] Already do that, and I make a bad boss, because I constantly tell myself yes, you can take a break to get more coffee. I shouldn’t, I should be a meaner boss.

NICK: Yeah. I’ve seen myself be a boss. I would rather not be held accountable to myself. That seems like a bad idea. Last but not least, we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. I want to know, do you have a powerpoint presentation to go with your Star Wars talk, Nicholas?

NICK: The last time I had a powerpoint presentation everyone said it wasn’t a good powerpoint presentation, so this is one of those ones where I stand up at a podium and have note cards and then, two note cards in, dramatically throw the pile across the room and turn a chair around to sit in it backwards.

CAMERON: Oh god. That’s great. That’s my favorite kind.

NICK: And say “we’re just gonna talk off the cuff.” Well, before we get to the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: [snickers] Two light side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: [menacingly] One dark side.

[relaxing jizz begins]

NICK: When we last left off you had charged into the Song Bird Jizz Club, found that it was under attack by some sort of hostile takeover, rescued Keyna the jizz singer from her imminent demise, found out that she had manipulated you into fighting and killing the Kemslingers for her own revenge and that they had never stolen the Space Breaker which was the magical Force artifact you were hunting, and that she had it but it was stolen by some Tognath and that she had overheard that they were going to Lessu which seems to be their base of operations.

You kicked open a door, sang some Billy Joel lyrics, and shot a man in the face… [chuckles] and that’s where the last episode ended.

LILIT: Sounds like us.

NICK: We open on a shot of the Afternoon Delight. Its mat black paintjob blends with the darkness of space except for the square of the unfinished hull, still graced with the name of the ship and a depiction of a pin-up girl. We zoom into the ship. The halls and the passageways are empty. The ship is oddly peaceful as we float through space… until we get to the holo theater. The crew is sitting in a circle around the holo projector in the middle of a conversation.

[relaxing jizz ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): They are called hard-boiled eggs because you boil them!

HUDSON (as Tink): Water makes things soft. They don’t make things hard.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is the heat! It is the boiling.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, but water trumps heat. It’s like an order of operations.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not how that works, Tink. The reason the pasta gets soft is because it absorbs the water, but the eggs have a hard protective shell.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, there’s a light above the stove and that’s what makes the pasta soft?

CAMERON (as Karma): What? … It’s definitely the water.

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought it was the water.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, it’s a combination, but it’s definitely not the heat.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can make pasta in the dark, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have never done that. You know when you turn on the microwave and it’s heating something up, the light comes on inside. Why do you think that happens? Because you wanna see your food?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): But Tink, why do you think they are called boiled eggs? What do you think is happening there?

NICK (as HK): Chaotic Statement: Then how do you explain soft-boiled eggs?

HUDSON (as Tink): There we go.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are still boiled. It is because they’re soft. The yolk inside is still soft where the hard-boiled eggs the yolk is hard, but it is still boiled.

HUDSON (as Tink): What magic are you doing in order to, like, make one soft and the other not soft?

CAMERON (as Karma): Using an egg timer?

LILIT (as Xianna): Setting a timer. Yes.

LILIT: Xianna holds up a little timer that is shaped like a small droid.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? It has it here. It is a little timer, and it’s got the marks, and you can see this mark here says Soft and then this one says Medium and this one says Hard, because the amount of time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, so we have hard-boiled, we have soft-boiled, now… when you make spring festival eggs, it’s the color that you paint the eggs that determines the flavor, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, they all taste like eggs.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, unless you are doing some sort of pickled eggs, the color is just food dye.

HUDSON (as Tink): So you can combine pickles with eggs now, like a morphing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. You can make pickled eggs.

NICK (as HK): Tink, I’m afraid that you are getting your egg facts all scrambled.

CAMERON (as Karma): HK!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

[gentle quirky music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): Did HK do a pun?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK did a pun.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never made a yolk in my life.

CAMERON (as Karma): [amused] Oh god. Did someone change his setting?

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa…

NICK (as HK): Now that I’ve gotten started, they really do seem to be over-easy.

CAMERON (as Karma): [impressed and overwhelmed exhale]

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know what to do with this new information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I’m kind of at a loss for words.

NICK (as HK): You are quite right. No one ever shells out for the humor module.

CAMERON (as Karma): [contented hum]

LILIT (as Xianna): Who broke HK? I will not be mad, I just want to know.

NICK (as HK): Are you suggesting that I’ve cracked up?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink? What did you do to HK?

HUDSON (as Tink): I, um… Okay, so you know when there’s those pop-up ads where you can add new things to your droids when you’re browsing the Holonet?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no… What?

LILIT (as Xianna): You took a perfectly good droid and you’ve ruined him!

NICK (as HK): Hello. I see that you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, I got this Clippy plug-in. It’s like an old, old, old-school thing.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought that HK could use some features…

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well HK, all of your puns were egg-cellent, but I feel like we are in this room to do something.

NICK (as HK): I don’t get it.

CAMERON (as Karma): And you should really watch for those pop-up ads. They’ll fry your hardware.

NICK (as HK): I got that one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why were we here?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… because we—Where are we going? What are we doing? I don’t know why specifically we chose this location and are sitting in a circle around the holo projector.

[quirky music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): It just felt like we came in here to do something…

HUDSON (as Tink): So what are we doing here? We’re looking for the, for the… glass dildo?

CAMERON (as Karma): Along with the rest of the things.

NICK (as HK): It was crystal, and also it’s called the Space Breaker.

CAMERON (as Karma): I know you keep saying that, but it’s the crystal dildo, HK.

HUDSON (as Tink): That reminds me of a movie that had a crystal dildo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now is not the time. Ooh, I think we needed to discuss how we are going to Ryloth.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, because Keyna said that a Tognath stole the dildo and was going to Lessu?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… uh-huh.

NICK (as HK): I am not familiar with Lessu.

LILIT (as Xianna): So, that is the capital city of Ryloth, and um… shit is on fire. Okay? It’s just, um, things have been very weird on Ryloth for many, many years. First it was the Separatists, then it became the Empire, and um… there are lots of insurgent groups and rebellions and stuff, and it gets weird. There’s lots of stormtroopers, and if somebody yells “grenade” you should get down.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now wouldn’t you want to jump during a grenade being thrown so it goes under you and if it blows up you just go higher in the air?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s not how it works, Tink.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I believe you have been physically hit with grenades in the past. I am surprised you do not understand the consequences.

HUDSON (as Tink): They’ve only made me grow more powerful, and I understand them better as time goes on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Have they?

NICK: The camera zooms in on Tink’s robot leg.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user, Twinkle Toes, you seem familiar with Lessu. Have you been there before?

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I thought we discussed this and that you weren’t going to call me that name anymore.

NICK (as HK): If you are trying to make a spreadsheet to handle your finances, can I suggest this simple plug-in for 12.99?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Sorry. Sorry. Um, I do not accept! Delete.

LILIT (as Xianna): You have to fix him. He can’t keep living like this.

NICK (as HK): I see that your HK-67 unit droid is having some bloatware. If you download this special program for 55.99, it can remove the bloatware.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nooo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, does anyone have 55.99 in credits?

CAMERON (as Karma): No! Don’t do that!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Oh, okay, I guess I can just remove it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Anyways, yes, I used to live on Ryloth. It’s where I am from. Why do you think I speak like this?

[laughter]

NICK (as HK): So, if you are originally from Ryloth, do you have contacts that can help us to track down the Space Breaker?

LILIT (as Xianna): So the answer to that question is it’s complicated. There are definitely people I can talk to. Some of them might not be happy to see me, and some of them, um, would try to shoot me, but I think there’s maybe one or two people that I could talk to who wouldn’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): Xianna, how old were you when you left Ryloth?

LILIT (as Xianna): I was like 16, so it’s been like a few years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… but not long enough that your contacts shouldn’t—at least some of the contacts shouldn’t be there still?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, they are still there. I know that for sure. It’s just some of them still might not like me a whole lot.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, my sensors indicate that your pulse and body temperature are rising rapidly. For 23.99 I can offer you three simple pills to help with these symptoms.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Ugh… No, it is just—I feel like I have mentioned that I have family. Some still left on Ryloth. Who knows where the other ones are. But when I left Ryloth, things were a little, again, complicated. I maybe left my sister behind. Although, in my defense, I feel like she abandoned me, because we did agree we were going to leave Ryloth and then she did not.

CAMERON (as Karma): Older or younger sister?

LILIT (as Xianna): She was a few years younger than me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… that’s gotta be rough.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I should state, I did not just leave a 13 year old child alone in the world. We did have another family member, who uh, she stayed with… and I have maybe been sending money to that family member to help pay for my sister, but I still feel like my sister is not happy with me. Also, I have not been back to Ryloth I don’t think, not that I’m aware of, but who knows.

NICK (as HK): How would you accidentally travel to a planet?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is easier than you would think. You know, sometimes you just wake up and you are on a new planet and you are not quite sure how you got there.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t believe that’s ever actually happened to me.

LILIT (as Xianna): It has happened to me a few times.

NICK (as HK): So, the next plan of action is to head to Lessu on Ryloth and attempt to reconnoiter where this Tognath has been located and where he has kept the valuable Force artifact.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. And try to not get arrested or anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): And meet your family?

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh… look, I don’t know about that.

HUDSON (as Tink): But…

LILIT (as Xianna): You can maybe meet my uncle or something. I don’t know if my sister will even talk to me directly, so.

HUDSON (as Tink): I would love an insight into your familial history.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I do not think we have enough time to unpack all of that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well let’s see.

NICK (as HK): Are you interested in your family history? For only 95.99, we will send you an envelope where you can swab the inside of your cheek and then we’ll tell you random stuff.

CAMERON (as Karma): [overwhelmed exhale]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): I already know all about my family history and stuff.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t think I’ve ever regretted not going to school to be a slicer more than I regret it right now.

[somber music begins]

NICK: HK takes a trembling hand and reaches to his front panel and pulls it open, and you can see complicated wiring and data cores.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, please help remove this virus.

HUDSON (as Tink): But HK… what if I want more vitality, endurance, and passion in the bedroom? Is there something you can do to help me with that?

NICK: HK falls to his knees and then falls to his hands and some wires start to spill out of his chest, and a little bit of smoke starts to come out of his head.

NICK (as HK): Bigger, bigger, be stronger, last longer. Satisfy, satisfy, satisfy.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh god!

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I swear, you need to fix HK right this moment!

HUDSON (as Tink): Fine.

HUDSON: I pull HK up.

LILIT (as Xianna): You cannot let him live like this!

HUDSON: And I just pull my fists back and then I just grab a bunch of stuff on the inside of him and pull it out.

NICK: When you pull your handful of gizmos out, it’s actually like a biological—it looks like a jellyfish with suckers on the end of its tentacles. It’s purple and glowing, and its arms are waving. It’s some sort of literal giant biological virus that had infected HK. [laughs] And it stings you on the hand.

[somber music ends]

HUDSON: Oh wow.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow! Someone shoot this thing.

HUDSON: I throw it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

CAMERON: I’ll shoot it. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah. So you throw it in the air. Karma, surprised, spins around, quickdraws her carbine and shoots it out of the air leaving a slight scorch mark in the wall behind it. We zoom out to the ship floating in space, and we see it jump to hyperspace, and the next thing we see after a wipe is the Afternoon Delight descending through a desert atmosphere on the planet of Ryloth.

[old western style music begins]

You all are able to negotiate quickly a landing pad at the spaceport. The city of Lessu is built into a large mountain that is on a plateau that is separated from the rest of a larger mesa by a large cavern, so it’s essentially a floating island hundreds of feet above the normal ground, and buildings are sticking out of the sides of the mountain and there’s a wall. As you are flying to land, you can see that there’s a laser bridge connecting Lessu to the rest of the mesa, but you also see that it’s sputtering and looks really old and poorly maintained.

As you come in to land you can see imperial garrisons on the mesa and walking the streets, and this place is extremely occupied. You can see, as you exit the ship, even from where you are in the spaceport, the Twi’lek population is moving quickly, trying not to get delayed, actively avoiding the stormtrooper patrols. This is a city that is occupied.

You’ve already planned this out, but how are you going to go about trying to collect information on this Tognath that has the item you want?

LILIT: So I think Xianna is first going to go meet with her uncle and figure out who is still in the game, who any new players are, who the main person to talk to about smuggling would be.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Or smuggling and black market items.

NICK: So, Xianna informs you all that she’s going to go talk to somebody and try to get some basic information. You all decide to do the same thing as Xianna disappears into the crowd. Karma, what are you doing?

CAMERON: I have pulled up a photo from the Kajim Regional Correctional Facility databases of Endo, who is the only Tognath I know, and who also has come and attacked us and tried to take the artifacts before, so I feel fairly confident that this is the Tognath that we’re looking for. I’m heading to either a bounty hunter office or one of the Empire outposts to show his picture around and see if anyone’s seen him.

NICK: Okay. Tink, what are you doing to collect information?

[western music fades]

HUDSON: Hmm. I’m gonna put on kind of a noir hat and jacket, rain jacket.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: And go to a bar and try to collect information.

NICK: Okay. I’m going to say, with Xianna’s contacts, there’s no roll. You know where your uncle is. You’re going to be able to get to him and have that conversation very easily. Tink and Karma, for both of you I’m going to need Streetwise rolls at hard difficulty.

HUDSON: Two failures and two threats.

NICK: Oh! Okay.

CAMERON: A success and a threat.

NICK: Okay, so Karma, do you go to a bounty office or do you go to an imperial, like, barracks?

CAMERON: Probably whichever one I pass first.

NICK: Let’s say you pass a bounty office. It looks like a cell phone shop, like it’s a small square building nestled between two larger shops. I’m imagining that it has a flashing sign kind of like a stock ticker that’s showing new bounties as they show up and if the offers are going up and down. There’s a Rodian behind the counter. There’s a door that’s just propped open and the counter’s close enough to the door that you don’t even have to walk into the building necessarily. You show this picture of Endo, and what do you ask?

CAMERON: What time of day is it?

NICK: It’s like mid-afternoon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good afternoon.

NICK (as Rodian): Hello!

CAMERON (as Karma): Hi. Quick question, just got here. Um… have you happened to see this gentleman walking around?

NICK (as Rodian): Not a lot of Tognaths here on Ryloth. Um… maybe? Let me look through the files here.

NICK: This Rodian pulls up a data pad and holds it very close to his eyes and starts flipping through.

NICK (as Rodian): I’ve got six bounties on Tognaths in this region of the galaxy. You got any more information?

CAMERON (as Karma): So this one’s not gonna be on the actual bounty list. This is… The spouse hired me, so he’s not in the system.

NICK (as Rodian): Oh, doing some sort of illicit job, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, just not an Empire job.

NICK (as Rodian): Well, I don’t have a lot of information beyond the official postings, but let me give you the address of somebody who might be able to help. There’s a guy, his name is Carson. He’s a Human. He runs smuggling in and out of here. He might be able to tell you a little something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alrighty.

NICK: He coughs and rubs his fingers together in the universal sign of “are you gonna pay me for this information?”

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, obviously. I know how this works.

CAMERON: And I’m flush with cash. [laughs]

NICK: So you give him some credits.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: And he smiles real wide which looks very cute on a Rodian snoot.

NICK (as Rodian): Well thank you kindly. If you have any other needs or if you find anybody along the way that you want to turn in, don’t forget to come back.

CAMERON: Before heading out, Karma taps her data pad against a panel they have on the wall and downloads all of the local contracts to her data pad and then walks out.

NICK: Yeah. The download takes about three times as long as you’re used to. Normally it’s a quick tap. This one, it taps and you don’t get the confirmation beep, and you have to hold it.

CAMERON: I tap, quickly take it away, look. It’s still got, like, it was halfway through a spinner. Holds it back out to the wall, just watching it slowly spin up.

NICK: It’s not that the connection’s bad, there’s just that much information. There’s a ton of bounties on Ryloth. They all appear to be Imperial wanted postings.

CAMERON: Hmm.

NICK: We see the little spinning progress wheel, and then that spinning wheel wipes the screen in a circle, and we come to Tink wearing his noir coat and hat standing in front of a bar called Leaky Pete’s.

[old western saloon music begins]

The doors open. There’s a guy sweeping. It’s a Twi’lek man. He’s green. His two front canines are filed very sharp as he smiles at you and he’s sweeping the doorway. He looks at you, Tink, and says:

NICK (as Twi’lek): What are you, some kind of, uh, detective or something?

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, you could say that, not that it’s any of your business.

HUDSON: And then I flip the toothpick in my mouth, in place.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Well you’re standing here in front of the bar… Welcome to Leaky Pete’s, number one tourist attraction in Lessu. We don’t open for another three or four hours, but if you want an iced tea or something I could make that happen. Or you could move along.

NICK: And he sweeps at the entryway and a bunch of dust goes onto your legs.

HUDSON: I flip a credit in my hand and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I’m not looking for iced tea, but a piping hot cup of information, if you know what I mean.

NICK (as Twi’lek): I actually don’t know what you mean… is that like a mixed drink or—?

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen, buddy.

HUDSON: I grab him by the lapels and hold him up against the wall.

HUDSON (as Tink): Now see here, buddy, I’m looking for a Tognath. You know about those?

NICK (as Twi’lek): Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t want any trouble, big guy. I’m literally just sweeping out the doorway to Leaky Pete’s. I just have the opening shift.

[saloon music fades]

NICK: As you look past this guy that you have held off the ground up against the wall, this is the bar that’s just outside the airport. Like, it’s very touristy.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: It’s kind of… clean enough that the bar doesn’t look comfortable but dirty enough that the bar doesn’t look nice. You know? There’s a lot of neon lights and booths, and it looks like they have a few drinks and then everything else is going to be very expensive. You look past that. This is not necessarily the sketch hole in the wall full of information that you thought it was, but you’ve already started.

HUDSON (as Tink): No trouble here, buddy. I’m just saying, I need some information. Do you know any Tognaths?

NICK (as Twi’lek): You know… maybe I do, if you set me down on the ground and make it worth my while.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you’re asking for sexual favors, I’m not inclined, unfortunately.

CAMERON: [snickers, giggles]

NICK: He was smiling real big, showing off his sharp canines, and that drops off of his face.

NICK (as Twi’lek): No, you were flipping a credit chip a minute ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh, oh! Sure, yes, I can make it “worth your while.”

NICK (as Twi’lek): Just to be entirely clear, I’m not asking for sexual favors. The wink made it a little murky there. Money. If you give me some money, I can give you a little bit of a hint about what’s going on.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, yes, that’s exactly what I’m looking for, pal.

HUDSON: And I put him down.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Great. That’s step one. How about step two?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. You say the name of the Tognath and where they are as I’m slowly handing you the credits.

NICK: This bartender reaches for this credit chip you’re holding out, and he opens his mouth, and you hold it closer, and he snatches it out of your hand and jumps back.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Look, I don’t know where any Tognaths are, but you need to talk to Carson. Mr. Agen knows a lot about these kind of things, and I’m sure he can help you out if you’re looking for companionship or whatever.

NICK: And slams the door to the bar, and then two seconds later a closed sign appears on the bar and the door shuts again.

HUDSON (as Tink): Where do I find Carson?!

HUDSON: I yell.

NICK: A little slot opens and the door and you can see his eyes peeking out.

NICK (as Twi’lek): Around this time, he’s probably at the blurrg races. Check the back alleys and listen for the weird stompy noises. You can’t miss it.

NICK: And the slot slams shut again.

HUDSON: I talk to myself.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, it looks like I have more snooping to do for this Carson fellow.

NICK: Do you pop up the collar of your coat and walk away chewing on your toothpick?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: We cut away to Xianna. Xianna, where do you go to find your uncle?

[rustic nostalgic guitar music begins]

LILIT: Xianna heads into a little older part of the city and finds a home that looks much like the others carved out of the rock and gives a small knock to the door before entering and saying:

LILIT (as Xianna): Jer? Are you home?

NICK: There’s a long pause, almost to the point where Xianna turns to leave and look somewhere else, and then stepping around the corner into this little lobby at the front of this house is your uncle Jer. What does he look like?

LILIT: Jer is an older Twi’lek man who is sort of a deeper shade of blue and he’s wearing rather simple clothes and has dark glasses on. He is a taller man, and you can tell that when he was younger he would’ve been quite muscular, and is still in good shape but has lost some of that with age.

NICK: Mm-hmm. He stops for a second. There’s a vibro-knife in his hand. He drops it to the ground with a clatter. His head cocks to the side a little bit.

NICK (as Jer): Xiann, is that you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Jer, were you going to stab me?!

NICK (as Jer): You can never be too careful.

LILIT (as Xianna): I know it has been some time since I have been back home, but like, you don’t have to stab me.

NICK (as Jer): I didn’t know it was you. It’s been a long time since I heard those footsteps on this floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. It has been, uh, quite a number of years. But um, as you can hear, I am back and, um, was hoping to get some information from you…

NICK: He looks sad for a second.

NICK (as Jer): So you won’t be staying then?

LILIT (as Xianna): Unfortunately, it is probably best if I don’t stay here for too long. Um, just, there is a lot going on in my life right now, and I do not trust my crewmates to not get arrested. They are not from here and will stick out, and I’m sure they will create targets on their back rather quickly.

NICK: He kicks the knife over towards the wall.

NICK (as Jer): I’ve always been one to help, but at least I can get a hug out of this.

NICK: And he holds his arms wide.

LILIT: Xianna very awkwardly and stiltedly goes in for a hug ,but then after a second or two relaxes into it, and it feels much more genuine.

NICK: His head is over your shoulder, but you can hear the smile in his voice as he pats you on the back and lets go of one arm but keeps one arm around your shoulder.

NICK (as Jer): Alright, let’s get you some tea and talk about what you need.

NICK: And we cut to you in a different room of this house. It’s a homey kitchen. There is an earthen teapot and two steaming earthen-ware cups sitting on a rough-cut table, and Xianna is holding one of the cups up to her face as Jer busies himself cleaning up the kitchen and then takes a seat, and grabs the cup, and takes a sip, blows on it, sets it down.

NICK (as Jer): So, I thought when you sent that many credits that you might be coming back. It’s enough to retire on.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, um… well, I would love to say that I was coming back to, um, to stay, but the whole statement would be a lie, because I would not love to say that. It is more that I sent that money out of a deep-seated feeling of guilt out of abandonment. I am supposed to be working on my feelings and saying my thought process and trying to figure out where my feelings are coming from and what sort of actions in my past may have caused them.

NICK: Jer sits up straighter and nudges his cup back and forth between his two hands for a second, processing that.

NICK (as Jer): Well, it sounds like you’ve matured quite a bit. I’m proud of you. I had assumed that money was to get Taun out of here. I gave it to her. It was enough to go to university, move somewhere a little less… this, but that’s not how it worked out.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… I mean, I kinda tried that before when, you know, mother was arrested, and I said we should leave Ryloth altogether, and then she kind of just did not go with me even though I had bought the transportation ship and everything and kind of used all the money we had left. But um, you know, good to see she’s still doing the same thing. I imagine it is because she is still working with the Resistance?

NICK (as Jer): She’s stubborn, like her sister.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Well, I have somehow managed to, uh, fall into that same style of work. Also I am still stealing, don’t worry about that.

NICK (as Jer): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I am still, you know, stealing illegally and all that fun stuff. Was in prison for a little bit, so that was fun.

NICK (as Jer): Is that where you learned how to talk about your feelings?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. I have a girlfriend, and she is very emotionally mature, and she keeps handing me self-help books and telling me that I need to work on myself.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: He smiles super wide and you can see that his teeth are bright white and are all filed to points.

NICK (as Jer): That’s good. I’m glad that you’ve found someone. You have to hold onto those that you can keep.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Also, she is a fence, so it works perfectly.

CAMERON: [snickers]

NICK: He nods seriously.

NICK (as Jer): Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You’ve always been the practical one. Well, not necessarily the practical one. You’ve always been the one to seize upon convenience, I would say.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Yes.

NICK (as Jer): It’s funny though that you said you’re in the same line of work. You left, you said you would be looking after you, that there was no point trying to make the galaxy better, and now you’re fighting against the Empire just like your sister.

LILIT: Xianna lets out a big sigh and sets her cup of tea down.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah… yeah. I did that for a long time, and you know, it worked out pretty okay for the most part. You know, I made it, but I think at a certain point it just started getting kind of, uh… lonely, having new friends every few months and constantly being on the run with no one else to watch your pet loth-rat or anything. But um…

NICK: Does Creamsicle poke her head out of one of your coat pockets?

LILIT: No. We’re in occupied territory. Of course Creamsicle is safe on the ship.

[laughter]

NICK: Oh, okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I am with a new crew that I’ve, uh… I say new, but we have been on the same ship for some time now, and then also my new girlfriend, Nolaa, just kind of helped me realize that maybe I was just not dealing with the trauma of my childhood very well, and maybe trusting people and maintaining relationships was a better way than what I had been doing.

NICK (as Jer): So will you see her?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well…

NICK (as Jer): Do you want me to reach out to Tann?

LILIT (as Xianna): I… I think it is maybe still for the best that I don’t see her. I just… we are not going to be here for very long, and I don’t think she’d want to see me anyways.

[nostalgic music ends]

NICK: He looks genuinely sad, and then you can see him force some brightness into his demeanor and he sits up straight again.

NICK (as Jer): Okay. That’s your decision, and I understand. So what information are you looking for?

NICK: And he’s suddenly all business with his hands knitted in front of him.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we are here looking for a Tognath who has probably started making some minor plays and acquiring a base and some people, probably some cargo ships. Is there anyone new to the scene who could maybe fit that description? Usually not too many off-worlders who are setting up long-term business here.

NICK (as Jer): A Tognath… Yeah, there’s been a Tognath around lately. I don’t know where they’re set up, but I’ve heard about them a couple of times. I think Tann had a run-in with him a couple of times and his gang. I’m not sure exactly what his angle is here, but I think I might have a contact for you. A different smuggler who might be able to point you in the right direction.

LILIT (as Xianna): Cool. That is very helpful.

NICK (as Jer): His name is Agen. He’s a Human. Not sure exactly how he got here, but he has pretty wide contacts, brings in a lot of things, runs the Imperial blockades, very impressive stuff. He’s not the brightest glow rod in the crate, but his heart is good. I’ll point you in the right direction. He’s been trying to raise some funds for some sort of big job doing blurrg racing on the backstreets. Remember when you used to do blurrg racing? Ah.

[nostalgic music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I was not very good at it, which is kind of why I started figuring out how to rig the races… and then take bets. But I distinctly remember you telling me that you would let it slide, so.

NICK (as Jer): I was always one to try to teach you the way of things, and sometimes you do what you gotta do. If you get harnessed with a blurrg named Mr. Stompers who’s half as fast as the other blurrgs, you do what you gotta do.

LILIT (as Xianna): [grinning] Mr. Stompers was a very good blurrg.

NICK (as Jer): [grinning] That’s not true. Mr. Stompers was maybe the worst blurrg I’ve ever seen.

LILIT (as Xianna): He was terrible, and he bit, and he was very slow, and—

NICK (as Jer): And he kicked.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kicked.

NICK (as Jer): And spat.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

NICK (as Jer): And ate more than any blurrg I’ve ever seen, and the reciprocal action.

LILIT (as Xianna): But he made me quite a lot of money, so…

NICK (as Jer): I think you would have done better dressing Tann up as a blurrg and riding her.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I just feel like the other children would have seen that it was a Twi’lek child dressed up as a blurrg. Mr. Stompers was an actual blurrg. It was much easier to rig the races with actual blurrgs.

NICK (as Jer): Now that you mention it, I’m not even sure that Mr. Stompers was a blurrg. I think he might have been a loth-wolf with mange.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I know that was debated many times, but I am pretty sure Mr. Stompers was still at least part blurrg. Besides, it has been nearly a decade since the blurrg racing incidents, and um… while I thank you for these lovely memories, and the information, I do need to get going. Because as I said, I am here with a crew, and I don’t entirely trust all of them out on their own.

NICK (as Jer): If you can, come back and visit again before you leave planet. It’s been good to hear your voice.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I will, um… I will think about it.

NICK: And Xianna gets up and leaves, and the door shuts quietly, and Jer swirls his tea, takes a sip.

NICK (as Jer): She’s not coming back.

[nostalgic music swells before ending]

NICK: We cut away to Tink walking down the street, and ahead of him there is an imperial checkpoint checking the foot traffic as they go by. What do you do?

HUDSON: I salute them.

NICK: You’re carrying a lot of weapons, and you’re not a Twi’lek, and they’re racist assholes.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: You salute them and two of them draw their guns, and one of the stormtroopers says:

NICK (as stormtrooper): Stand by for search, citizen.

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… okay. Oh, bathroom emergency!

HUDSON: And I run.

NICK: [laughs] You just take off?

HUDSON: Yeah.

NICK: Roll me an Athletics check at hard difficulty to outrun these stormtroopers.

HUDSON: Guess who has 0 in Athletics.

NICK: Well you have a ton of Brawn. You’ll be okay.

HUDSON: I think I’ll flip a light side point. [chuckles] Three successes and one threat.

NICK: So you’re able to escape, but now they are on the lookout for a Gigoran. Describe how you outrun these stormtroopers on the way to the blurrg race.

HUDSON: I turn around and look as they’re about to catch up on me and I say…

[jaunty “shenanigans” music begins]

HUDSON (as Tink): You won’t catch me!

HUDSON: …and I take off my jacket and I just, as I’m running, I just wave it back and forth on the ground to kick up dirt and dust so that they can’t see me and I disappear.

NICK (as stormtrooper): [coughs pathetically] Where did he go? We’ve totally lost him to that expert tactic.

CAMERON (as stormtrooper): You’d really think these helmets would have had better filtration systems.

NICK (as stormtrooper): They only filter smoke, not toxins.

CAMERON (as stormtrooper): … I know, I’m just saying, I would have thought that… Don’t you think they should?

NICK (as stormtrooper): Anyway. Let’s radio—Well… You know, the budget’s tight this year. The captain says that maybe next year we’ll get real helmets.

LILIT (as stormtrooper): Oh, are you talking about the new helmets they’re gonna get us next year that are gonna filter out both smoke AND toxins?

CAMERON (as stormtrooper): Yeah!

NICK (as stormtrooper): I’m not convinced. I think they’re just saying that so that they’ll get better reviews on the culture survey.

LILIT (as stormtrooper): I don’t know. I heard that they’re just still in development and that we’re gonna get them sometime soon, but…

NICK (as stormtrooper): Either way, someone radio in. There’s a Gigoran somewhere loose in Lessu and they’re highly suspicious and much faster than they look.

[music ends]

NICK: And Tink manages to escape. Karma, you’re coming from a different direction, but you also see a checkpoint. How do you get through? It’s in the way on your way to these blurrg races that you were directed to.

CAMERON: I flash my bounty hunter badge.

NICK: Eh… they don’t look super impressed.

NICK (as stormtrooper): This area is for civilians only. You’ll have to move along. No entry.

CAMERON (as Karma): But I’m trying to collect bounties… on civilians. I have this whole list.

CAMERON: Karma scrolls up and it just goes on for forever.

NICK: Roll me a Negotiation check, but you can have a blue die for having a prop.

CAMERON: Yay props. Okay.

NICK: This will be average difficulty. They’re out of breath now having just chased a Gigoran.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Okay, three successes, three advantages.

NICK: Cool. Another stormtrooper with one of the orange shoulder pauldrons walks up and says…

NICK (as stormtrooper): Look, this isn’t the combatant we’re looking for. Move along.

NICK: …and waves his hand at Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you, officer.

NICK: Xianna, you’re heading towards where you know the blurrg races are in the side alleys. The checkpoints haven’t changed much from your time here. Because there’s so many of them, there’s not a lot of places to add or move them. Because you are not surprised by the existence of the checkpoints, what’s your plan to get through?

LILIT: Assuming that most of the businesses have not changed too much as far as the shop layouts, Xianna knows that there’s a certain checkpoint against a row of shops that all have a connected hallway in the back, and that if you know about it you can enter in through the first shop, go in through the back hallway, and completely bypass a few rows of shopfronts and emerge on the other side of the checkpoint.

NICK: This is a wonderful plan except for the little old lady Twi’lek who is in the first shop that you haven’t seen in years and years. How are you going to get past her without her making a scene? Either because she’s excited to see you or you stole something from her the last time you were here.

[peppy shopping music begins]

LILIT: It’s much more appropriate that Xianna shoplifted something as a teen. So, Xianna is going to attempt to stealth past by watching and waiting for someone else to go up to the shop owner with a question, and at that point she will try to sneak past the tall display of spices and get into the back hallway before the owner can see her.

HUDSON (as customer): Oh, this… this spices. Very good spices. I would like a whole crate of them, please.

CAMERON (as owner): Which spices? You’re waving at an entire rack. Which…?

HUDSON (as customer): Yes, the rack of spices, right here.

CAMERON (as owner): Which?

HUDSON (as customer): All of them. I have major plans for my cooking.

CAMERON (as owner): You, you… A crate? Of each?!

NICK: And now, Xianna, roll your Stealth check at average difficulty with a blue die, because apparently they’re very distracted. [laughs]

[shopping music ends]

LILIT: Yeah. I have Stalker, so I can add more blue dice. I don’t think I need to look up if I have any other skills there.

NICK: Probably not.

LILIT: That is one success and six advantages.

[somber nostalgic music begins]

NICK: So you’re able to sneak by, and you have this flash of nostalgia as you press your back against the side of the counter waiting for the two of them to look the other direction, and then you’re off into the hallway. It’s almost like you’re a kid again, sneaking through to shoplift some things and dodge imperial patrols. Hudson and Cameron, a non sequitur ending to the spice conversation?

[shift back to peppy shopping music]

CAMERON (as owner): You can make noodles in the dark!

[laughter]

HUDSON (as customer): I know, but what about the heating element?

CAMERON (as owner): The… The heat from the spices?!

HUDSON (as customer): No, the light, that hits the spices in the night.

[music ends]

NICK: And we fade away from that. The camera cuts to the beginning of a blurrg race. Blurrgs look like really ugly Pac-Mans with dinosaur tails and big long bulky legs. Imagine a T-Rex, made out of clay by a four-year-old, with an extra-large mouth. There are Twi’lek jockeys with goggles mounting or petting down their blurrgs before the race, there’s about five of them, and there’s a small crowd of people either gambling or betting.

We see Xianna slip out of a side building and nudge somebody and ask a question, and they point in a direction. We see karma walk down the main street, duck down a side alley, and look around, find the person they’re looking for and head purposely towards them. We see Tink sprinting down a separate alley, coat flapping in the breeze in one hand behind him, his other hand holding his hat onto his head as he runs.

The three of you begin to converge on this one Human. He’s leaning against a rail watching the blurrgs get ready. We see the three of you all moving towards each other and towards this guy who is looking away from you, and his red hair stands out amongst all the lekku of the citizens of Lessu… and that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 26 A Night at the Song Bird

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 26:
A Night at the Song Bird

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

We have some new patrons to thank this week. Pash, thank you so much for your support. Tink says he lost his rubber bantha somewhere in the refresher, and we were hoping you could find it while the crew was out.

Christopher Todesco, thank you for your support as well. Now, keep this a secret, but HK actually destroyed the rubber bantha, so if you could run to the store and buy a new one for Pash to “find,” that would be great. Thanks.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 26. Twenty-six is just a good number. That’s all I have to say about that. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Next up we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: I’m Hudson Reid Jameson… and first of his name… and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: I’m honestly trying to remember if I knew your middle name before this moment. I’m not sure I did.

CAMERON: Did you not? Oh.

NICK: I don’t think so.

CAMERON: I knew.

NICK: … I think I knew your initials.

HUDSON: Yeah, that was probably it.

NICK: Huh. Okay, cool.

HUDSON: I forgot your middle name. Was it like Nicholas… Justin Robertson?

LILIT: Jefferaiah.

HUDSON: Jefferaiah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Yep, got it.

NICK: Yep, yeah, got it in one. There’s an S. It starts with the letter S.

HUDSON: Oh, oh… Samuel?

NICK: Close. No, not really.

LILIT: Symphonium.

NICK: Yep. Yep. Lilit got it.

LILIT: Yeah.

NICK: [laughs] Next up we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: [menacingly] One dark side.

NICK: Excellent. So, last time you all stealthily infiltrated the hideout of the Kemslingers. You were able to handily defeat anyone who stood against you, and you allowed the leader of the Kemslingers to escape into the sewers with the justification of “meh.”

CAMERON: Pretty much, yeah.

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yep.

NICK: And you decided to return to the Song Bird to confront Keyna having figured out that she must have duped you in some way, because the artifact you were searching for was not there. That’s where we’re gonna start off.

[electric jizz begins]

We see the crew standing at a familiar doorway holding pizza cones… the entrance to the Blue Bantha Jizz Club. It’s quiet inside. You can’t hear music, but the bouncer is glaring at you from the doorway. There’s no line to enter, only a thin trickle of smoke coming from the entrance. What do you do?

CAMERON: Karma points at the sign.

CAMERON (as Karma): They should probably update that if they want people to call it the Song Bird.

NICK (as bouncer): Yeah, I don’t think that’s gonna be too important anymore.

[music fades]

HUDSON (as Tink): How are you doing tonight, Buster Brown?

NICK (as bouncer): Oh, I’m doing just great, and you can call me Filo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Filo? I’m ‘feeling’ that.

NICK (as Filo): Ha! You’re funny. I’m the new bouncer.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, well can we take the pizza cones inside?

NICK (as Filo): No, absolutely not. No outside food or drink.

LILIT (as Xianna): What are you gonna do about it?

NICK (as Filo): Uh, beat you up. Keep you from entering. Bounce you, so to speak.

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I get inside before you catch me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Listen. Filo, Filo…

LILIT (as Xianna): What if I get in? If I get in before you catch me, do I get to eat the pizza cone inside?

NICK (as Filo): Well, then I’ll be chasing you around… like, if you can sprint and eat a pizza cone at the same time, I suppose that would invalidate the sign.

LILIT: Xianna slow-turns and looks at Karma and Tink, and has a look in her eye of like “I kinda wanna do this.”

CAMERON: Karma is doing the mom headshake, like “no.”

HUDSON: I do a headshake as well.

LILIT: But which way? Are you pro or anti Xianna running in to eat the pizza cone?

HUDSON: I’m actually just twisting my neck to make it crack. You can’t tell.

NICK: HK looks at Karma and looks at Tink and then begins to nod very slowly, in an affirmative gesture. The bouncer is shaking his head no. [chuckles]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and HK, shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): I’m doing it.

NICK (as Filo): What is your plan? There’s only one door, and I’m in front of it. I’m almost as wide as the door.

LILIT: Xianna’s plan is to slide between the legs of the bouncer as if trying to slide in and steal a base.

HUDSON: In kriffball.

LILIT: In…

NICK & CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Yes, kriffball. It’s a very inappropriate name for a sport in Star Wars, but you know what…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Hey, some people are into that. That’s okay.

LILIT: Yeah. Yeah. What kind of check would this be, and why would it be Skulduggery?

NICK: How about Coordination? This seems like a very agile move.

LILIT: I can add a blue die for a rank in Stalker. I have at least one rank in a skill called Shortcut, and during a chase, add a blue die per rank in Shortcut to any checks made to catch or escape an opponent.

NICK: [laughs] I would say that for the duration of this shenanigan you will get the Shortcut applied.

LILIT: Great.

NICK: So this will be an opposed check against the bouncer’s Athletics. He is three reds and a purple, and he also has two black die because you told him what you were going to do. He is standing there like a catcher in kriffball prepared to intercept you as you try to get past him.

LILIT: … Would a despair and a triumph—? They don’t cancel out.

NICK: No!

CAMERON: They don’t cancel! [laughs]

NICK: They both apply. [laughs]

LILIT: Okay, so then…

CAMERON: You’ve got both.

LILIT: So a despair also has a failure.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Uh-huh.

LILIT: Okay, so then I have…

NICK: [cackles]

LILIT: In this roll I have gotten a triumph and a despair, so no successes or failures, just a triumph and a despair.

[laughter]

NICK: Wow. So, because you did not succeed, you are not going to get past Filo the bouncer. That is the first bad news. What do you want to spend this triumph on?

LILIT: Xianna does not drop the pizza cone. Xianna has an almost gyroscopic hold on the pizza cone and not a single topping falls out of it.

[upbeat “shenanigans” music begins]

NICK: Great. The despair is that you juke left, you juke right, the pizza cone is perfectly preserved, even the steam rising from the still-hot treat is going straight up. You try to go between his legs, and, in a blur of motion, Filo grabs you by the collar of your jacket and just lifts you up in the air like a kitten, and we see Xianna with her mouth open and her tongue extended, like reaching for the pizza cone, and he’s holding her in front of him and doesn’t really look that inconvenienced by the weight of Xianna.

[music ends]

NICK (as Filo): Like I said, you’re not getting past me.

LILIT: Xianna does a weak little flail and kicks her boots about.

[chuckling]

LILIT: But then is able to move her arm and smoosh the entire pizza cone into her mouth.

LILIT (as Xianna): [with her mouth full] Okay fine, but now you have to let me in, because now there is no pizza cone.

LILIT: Cheeks just puffed out like a chipmunk.

NICK (as Filo): The club’s closed. You can’t come in. Nobody’s allowed… which I would have told you if you hadn’t been so focused on pizza cones.

LILIT: Xianna manages to swallow all of the pizza cone.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we know the owner, Keyna.

CAMERON (as Karma): Also, we’ve been standing here for like 15 minutes. Why wouldn’t you mention that it was closed?

NICK (as Filo): I thought you were just looking at the sign trying to find a place for later. Well, that’s my mistake. Look, which of you is gonna take this little Twi’lek back? Because I don’t really wanna keep holding her in the air like this.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you can just set her down.

NICK (as Filo): No, I must entrust her to someone’s care. She’s gonna try to get past me again.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is true. I will try again.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’re not wrong.

LILIT (as Xianna): I cannot be trusted.

NICK: He turns his wrist so that Xianna is face-to-face with him, her legs still kicking in the air. His arm is long enough that she can’t reach him. He looks her in the eye.

NICK (as Filo): [reprimanding, like to a dog] No. No getting into the club, little Twi’lek.

LILIT (as Xianna): I will. I will shoot you if I have to.

NICK (as Filo): Whoa. Whoa, that escalated.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly! That is what I am saying. We have very important business to attend to with Keyna, and we will get in there one way or another.

NICK (as Filo): You, big guy, you look like you’re in charge.

NICK: He looks at Tink.

NICK (as Filo): Take this Twi’lek and get out of here.

HUDSON (as Tink): I do look like I’m in charge.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh! Tink, Tink, turn around so I can do a piggyback ride.

NICK (as Filo): No, you have to grab her by the coat so she can’t kick you. I figured this out.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I would never kick you.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t believe you.

HUDSON: I grab her by the coat.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user, that is untrue. I have witnessed you kicking Tink on multiple occasions.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do not be a nark right now!

NICK (as HK): Is observation also being a nark?

LILIT (as Xianna): Stop it, HK!

CAMERON (as Karma): I guess, in certain situations, yes. You can observe and not say anything.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry, Filo. As long as I just let them kick a lot they’ll tire themselves out.

NICK (as Filo): Yeah, that was kind of my thinking. But we’ll reopen tomorrow if you want to come back to the Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, but if Keyna finds out you are calling it the Blue Bantha she is going to be mad.

NICK (as Filo): Oh, uh… well the sign says Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s called the Song Bird. I’m going to tell her and you are going to get in trouble. However, if you let me in now, I won’t tell her you have been calling it the Blue Bantha, and I think you know that she gets very mad when people call it the wrong name.

NICK (as Filo): Oh yeah, I’m uh… super worried about what she’s gonna do if she finds out about me.

NICK: Y’all wanna make me Perception checks?

LILIT: I got nothing.

NICK: Oh, okay.

LILIT: Just entirely blank on the dice.

CAMERON: One success, three advantages.

NICK: Awesome.

HUDSON: I got one advantage.

NICK: So Tink and Xianna are a little occupied with their newly acquired pose. Xianna, are you getting tired from kicking in the air or can you do this forever?

LILIT: Xianna is trained and does surprisingly keep up with conditioning and workouts, so she can continue kicking for quite some time, and will.

NICK: [laughs] Continues to try to shake yourself loose from Tink.

LILIT: Not really trying to shake herself loose, just doing it more out of spite.

[laughter]

NICK: Just making it more difficult.

LILIT: To show that she can.

NICK: [laughs] Karma, while they’re engaged in that, and HK seems to be encouraging the behavior, you notice a couple of things.

One, this isn’t the same bouncer from before. The bouncer from before was… They’re both Human, but the bouncer before was average height, really wiry, somebody who tries to settle things by talking, you know the type. This guy is huge, muscly, and you’re not quite sure but just has the posture of someone who spends a lot of time in space, not really someone who would be planet-bound.

And if you want, with those three advantages, he appears to have some sort of weapon on his back. You can’t quite tell what it is, but this doesn’t look like a normal bouncer to you.

CAMERON: Hmm. Interesting. So I think Karma leaves the chaos that’s happening with the rest of the crew, kind of off to the side, and heads over to the bouncer. She just kinda leans against the door next to him and the door but obviously is not trying to enter the door, just has taken on the, you know, the recognizable kind of resigned stance of someone whose crew does this a lot.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: And she’s just gonna wait it out. If I am leaning back and am even with him, can I see what weapon it is?

NICK: It looks like a large vibro-machete. Like, it’s too big to be a knife but not quite a sword. It looks jagged and nasty. It’s a very uncivilized weapon.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa, is that a vibro-machete?

NICK (as Filo): Uh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Sorry, I’m kind of a collector.

CAMERON: Karma gestures to self and is quite covered in weaponry.

NICK: He looks a little uncomfortable.

NICK (as Filo): Uh… yeah, it’s uh… You know, when customers get too rowdy you gotta have something a little bit bigger to deal with.

CAMERON (as Karma): That does seem like it would accomplish the intimidation trip pretty well.

NICK (as Filo): Generally, yeah. I try not to pull it out, because bouncers don’t normally use weapons, I think.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if I would say that bouncers aren’t normally using weapons, but in an establishment such as this I wouldn’t be surprised if the bouncers were at least armed for if anything super rowdy started on the inside.

NICK (as Filo): What do you mean a place like this? This is a normal nightclub.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but we were here like two days ago, and while yes, classy establishment, still, when a lot of alcohol is flowing, things happen.

NICK (as Filo): Yeah, I suppose you’re right. Um… can you, uh, give me a little space? You’re a little close to the door, and like you pointed out, you’re pretty well-armed. Making me a little nervous. I’d hate to have to call the city guard or something.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, no.

CAMERON: Karma scoots over. Does the stepping away of the kid being like it’s not me, I’m not near you. Very innocent, just picking at her nails.

NICK (as Filo): So… you all just gonna stand here all night? I mean, I’m enjoying watching the Twi’lek kick around, that’s kinda funny, but we’re closed, so be gone or whatever.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I was just planning on letting them tire themselves out, because then that energy’s gone and I don’t have to deal with it later.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a joke on you, karma. I can do this all day! This isn’t even me on any impact. Just think about the possibilities if I did.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. I think we should let this gentleman alone and head back. Maybe another pizza cone. What do y’all say?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t have a pizza cone currently, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): Could we do like dessert pizza cones?

HUDSON (as Tink): We could do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. There is like a fruit filled one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, alright ,let’s head out, all.

HUDSON: So I turn and walk away, holding Xianna still in my arm.

NICK (as HK): I shall follow Boss Man.

NICK: HK continues with you as you walk off down the street.

CAMERON (as Karma): So when are y’all opening up again?

NICK (as Filo): Uh… probably tomorrow. That seems right, like tomorrow, probably. Not tonight, that’s for sure.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Thank you. Have a pleasant evening.

NICK: As you turn to leave, the smoke gets a little bit thicker coming out of the door behind the bouncer, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

CAMERON: Does it smell like something’s on fire smoke or like someone is smoking a death stick smoke?

NICK: It smells like something has been smoldering. It doesn’t smell like the whole place is burning down, but it smells like “fire” fire, not like smoke fire.

CAMERON: Okay. Karma jogs to catch up with the rest of the group.

NICK: Please tell me y’all duck down an alley like 50 yards down the way.

[groovy jizz begins]

CAMERON: Oh yeah, as soon as the building ends we turn.

LILIT: Yeah, Xianna immediately says, still being held up like a small kitten by Tink:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so are we going to loop back around and just break in?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. So that’s not the same bouncer as before, he has a vibro-machete, and I think something either is still currently or has been previously on fire inside. And he couldn’t give me the operating hours for when they’re gonna be opening back up, and he seems very sketchy, and… I think something’s going on.

LILIT (as Xianna): That seems like a fair assessment.

HUDSON (as Tink): Most places have at least more than one door. That’s like a fire code thing, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

HUDSON (as Tink): And some of them have roof access.

CAMERON (as Karma): We learned that earlier. [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): We did.

HUDSON (as Tink): So how do we get to the roof? Ladder or jetpack? I’m going jetpack, honestly.

CAMERON (as Karma): You have a jetpack?

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, where are you getting a jetpack?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I don’t have a jetpack.

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t have one. I hadn’t gotten far enough along to know where to get one, I just want one.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Or, alternative method, you put me down and I just find a ladder and we go up. Or we just find a door.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or we see if there’s a door on the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or a window.

NICK (as HK): Tink, why don’t you just try to throw Xianna onto the roof.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, that’s a great idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, please do not throw me. Don’t do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, not this time, unless we need to. Don’t totally shut down the idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): No… I mean, I will keep my options open, I just do not feel like it is appropriate in this circumstance.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm.

NICK: So, you all are trying to case the joint and figure out a way to get onto the roof?

CAMERON: Or just get in.

NICK: To get in, in general. Let’s make a Skulduggery check.

LILIT: Can do!

NICK: This one’s going to be… we’ll say hard, because the bouncer is being pretty vigilant, so you’re having to do it while the bouncer doesn’t notice you. And there will be a black die, because this place was a gang front, so like, it has security.

LILIT: Yeah, I’m gonna use my skill in Convincing Demeanor to remove a black die in a Skulduggery check. That is one success and three advantages.

NICK: Okay. With your advantages, would you rather have a ground floor door that’s not being guarded or go in through a skylight or a vent or something?

LILIT: Hmm. I think ground floor door that is not being guarded.

NICK: Okay. You are successful with this. Are you rolling too, Hudson?

HUDSON: Yeah, just to see what happens.

CAMERON: [laughing] Figure we may as well.

NICK: Okay. Yeah.

HUDSON: So I have a triumph with no successes and three threats.

NICK: Okay, we’re gonna come back to that. Karma, how did you do?

CAMERON: I just got an advantage.

NICK: Okay. Karma, Xianna starts to orbit this club at about a half block distance, ducking in and out of the shadows. You stay with her, no problems. Tink, you are unable to find any sort of entrance.

HUDSON: I get a call on my coms from none other than Donny Donaldson.

CAMERON: [laughs]

[coms ring]

LILIT (as Donny): Oh uh hey there, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Donny! How’s it going?

LILIT (as Donny): Good. Good. You know I filled that hole right up for ya.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh great! That hole?

LILIT (as Donny): Yeah, that one you called me about the other day, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): Nasty bugger.

LILIT (as Donny): It was certainly a hole that I did indeed fill. Because you know, if you ever need a hole filled, I’m gonna do it for ya.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s what you always say, a lot. You say that a lot.

LILIT (as Donny): You know, it is almost entirely my entire business model there, so… it’s what I do.

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, some would say there’s not a lick of personality besides hole filling for you, Donny.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Donny): You know, I see a hole and I wanna fill it, so… it’s my life calling.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I’m outside of a club formerly known as the Blue Bantha, and I’ve seen there’s a lot of really well filled in areas around here. You familiar with the place?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, that there building on Coruscant. I have filled some holes in that area.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ever filled a hole in the Blue Bantha?

LILIT (as Donny): I have indeed.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… can you describe it?

LILIT (as Donny): The hole or the building? I believe it was a hole leftover from installing some plumbing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Donny): Is there something specific you wanna know?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, keep this on the down-low, Donny, but we’re trying to get into this building to speak with a certain individual that they’re not letting us speak to, it seems.

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, well uh, if that’s the case, you know, you’re such a repeat customer, Tink—normally I would charge a consulting fee for information like this, you know me, but I’ll give this one to you for free.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Donny): On the southwest corner of that building there is a sewage access hatch. It doesn’t actually take you straight to the sewage, quiet yet. It’s just a tunnel that leads to a few different other, you know, sewage access points. However, one of the tunnels does go right underneath that building.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

LILIT (as Donny): And you can go up and you can access the bathroom grate.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s very cool. That’s a really good thing to know—

NICK: Tink falls prone.

[dramatic bass noise, laughter]

LILIT (as Donny): Oh Tink, that sounded like a nasty fall. You okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh, aw kriff. I scraped my knee. Ugh!

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, that one didn’t sound good. Sounded like you probably broke the screen of your com too. That’s no good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. It had a little crack there. Ugh, alright. Well hey, this was great information. While I’m down in that access tunnel I’ll be looking for the telltale signs of Donny Donaldson filling holes in that area. You know what I mean, when you leave your mark.

LILIT (as Donny): Tink, I don’t know what the fuck you’re trying to say. You know that when I fill a hole it is seamless. You never know that I’m there.

HUDSON (as Tink): No! You don’t put DD for Donny Donaldson like etched in there?

LILIT (as Donny): Oh, I sometimes do that in the general area, but never right on the hole. I don’t want people to know exactly where the hole was. That’s the whole point of filling in the hole!

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s the hole point?

LILIT (as Donny): It’s the hole point!

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. I think I get it now.

LILIT (as Donny): Anyways Tink, I gotta go.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Donny): Okie-dokie. Bye.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Click. Beep. Tink, do you attempt to meet up with Xianna and Karma or do you soldier on to go into this sewer hole?

HUDSON: I go to the sewer hole alone and don’t tell anyone.

NICK: Okay. We get a split shot of Karma and Xianna and HK leaning against a wall next to a door that appears unlocked and unguarded leading into the Song Bird Jizz Club, and then there’s a slash down the middle of the screen and we also see Tink on another side of the building crawling on his elbows, army style, through this grate that is tall enough that he probably could walk slightly bent over, but he’s army crawling down this tunnel.

As Tink is crawling through this tunnel, the screen goes to a full shot of the rest of the crew of the Afternoon Delight, and the interior of the club is not in good shape. There are blaster bolts that have scorched the walls, and the bartender is sprawled across a table on the side of the room looking like he’s been shot. There are no patrons in the club, but you can tell that the staff put up a fight. You can’t tell how many people must have attacked this place, but it must have taken a well-armed group to take it down.

The statue of the blue bantha at the entrance has been demolished, and the private booths on the second floor are burned out. It looks like someone took the time to toss grenades up there. The room looks otherwise deserted.

CAMERON: Karma goes over and checks the pulse on the bartender who’s laying there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello!

NICK: So Xianna’s calling out to see if anybody’s there. Karma checks the pulse. The bartender is extremely dead.

CAMERON: Oh.

NICK: As you roll him over to reach to his neck for a pulse there’s a large blaster hole in his chest.

CAMERON: Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Is anybody home?!

NICK: From backstage you hear the rattle of some kind of conflict and someone yelling:

NICK (as Keyna): [muffled] Hey, I’m back here!

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but who is back there?

NICK (as Keyna): [muffled] It’s me, Keyna. Quick—Agh!

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know… Karma, it is probably a trap, but we should go look.

CAMERON: Karma’s got her carbine out, so… I kick open the door.

NICK: So you kick open the door to see the back hallway behind the stage, and there’s another door that leads into Keyna’s dressing room, and you can hear the sounds of a struggle within. Do you also kick open that door?

CAMERON: I open that door calmly.

NICK: Oh, you open that door calmly.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Wonderfully. Xianna, do you go with her?

LILIT: Yes.

NICK: So we see Karma take point and Xianna and HK close behind as Karma calmly opens the door. You can see that the dressing room has been completely tossed. Stuff is thrown everywhere. There’s some errant blaster bolts. Keyna is leaning against a wall clutching her side. Her dress has been burned away slightly and there appears to be some sort of ruffian.

There’s a Besalisk wearing a jumpsuit with powered brass knuckles on each of his forehands and his large head is facing towards Keyna, and you can hear him saying…

NICK (as Besalisk): Come on. You had some stuff in here. Where’s the rest of it?

NICK: …and he looks like he’s about to punch her.

CAMERON: I’m gonna shoot him.

NICK: Okay. Roll me a shoot. It’s an easy check, you’re at close range, and you get two blue dice because he is not paying attention. He’s busy interrogating Keyna.

CAMERON: Cool. Okay, I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Yeah.

CAMERON: He hasn’t gone yet this encounter.

NICK: Technically he has, but not in an encounter with you.

CAMERON: I haven’t seen it! [laughs]

NICK: Anyway, that’s fine.

CAMERON: So a triumph, three successes, four advantages.

NICK: So that’s several crits and how much damage?

CAMERON: Sixteen.

NICK: So this guy is dead. Where do you shoot him?

CAMERON: Was he facing away from us or kind of sideways?

NICK: Yeah, he’s facing away from you towards Keyna.

CAMERON: Okay, yeah, just in between the shoulder blades. All four of the shoulder blades. [laughs] So center of back, actually, I guess.

NICK: [laughs] Yeah. You blast him right in the middle of the back, and his arms, all four of them, fly up in the air, and he collapses face-first on the ground. You know that you basically cored this guy out. He’s dead. Keyna looks up still holding her side.

NICK (as Keyna): Well it’s about time somebody showed up.

NICK: She focuses past you, Karma, because she never actually saw you, did she?

CAMERON: Nope! We never interacted.

NICK: And sees Xianna and says:

NICK (as Keyna): You! Well I’m glad you brought some friends who can fight.

NICK: HK gives a little wave.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, we are not here to fight “for” you. Well…

LILIT: And Xianna pauses.

LILIT (as Xianna): …I guess in a way, because we are here to talk to you, so if we had to fight to get to you, we are doing that, but we’re not like fighting “for” you if you catch my drift. Because you fucking lied to me, and I do not appreciate that.

NICK: She pushes herself away from the wall and sits in the chair that’s in front of the vanity, and it spins around so she can face you. She’s still got one hand pressed to her side.

NICK (as Keyna): How bad does the club look out there?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, it is a mess, just like an absolute disaster. Like, just a trash dumpster fire of a building.

CAMERON (as Karma): First floor, structurally okay, you got some blaster bolts on the walls. Your second floor, all of the booths are burned out, still smoldering.

NICK (as Keyna): Ah kriff.

CAMERON (as Karma): Your bar staff is dead.

NICK (as Keyna): Ugh!

CAMERON (as Karma): The bars looked intact.

NICK: She looks sad. Her highlight feathers turn a somber purple.

NICK (as Keyna): That’s a shame about the staff. Hopefully some of them got away, because we’re gonna need some vengeance after this.

CAMERON (as Karma): I only saw one bartender, inside.

NICK (as Keyna): Okay good, that means the others maybe made it out. And yes, I did lie to you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. This all sounds like a you problem and not a me problem. I am just looking for the yellow crystal, and you made me pretend to be a ghost. It was fun and all, but like, I did not get the crystal and I had to kill a guy to do that, so I would just like the crystal now so I don’t have to kill you. Okay?

NICK (as Keyna): You… Wow, there’s a lot to digest with that sentence. Hopefully you killed more than one person. The deal was for killing all of them.

LILIT (as Xianna): I  mean, but the deal was also that I would get to keep the yellow crystal, and guess what, it was not there.

NICK (as Keyna): Well.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I think we killed most of them, but some of them ran away because there was a ghost, and I don’t think they’re ever coming back, so like same thing.

NICK (as Keyna): So it’s finally over. You got rid of the Kemslingers… Thank you. Yes, I did lie, but trust me when I say they were the worst scum of the galaxy and they deserved to die. Thank you for killing them, or convincing them that there was a ghost… I’m gonna admit, I was not expecting that.

CAMERON (as Karma): I wasn’t either.

NICK (as Keyna): It’s a bit of a surprise.

NICK: You can tell—When you first met her, Xianna, Keyna had very much the ditsy show person personality and then when you threatened her she got pretty serious, and now you’re seeing the character underneath. Her eyes are hard, and she is only mildly distracted by the blaster wound in her side, and she’s evaluating you all.

NICK (as Keyna): So at this point, honestly, I probably would have just given you the crystal. I didn’t expect you to succeed. I had it… uh, operative word is had. The assholes who turned over my club took it from me. For real this time. I understand that sounds a little suspicious, but…

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright, I do have follow-up questions, but first, do you need this?

CAMERON: And Karma holds out either a med pack or a stim, because she’s got both.

NICK: Probably a stim.

CAMERON: Holds out a stim pack.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh, thank you.

NICK: She takes it and jabs it into her side, and takes a much deeper breath and the blood slows down coming out of her side.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh, that is better.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Now who are these assholes?

NICK (as Keyna): I’m gonna admit, I haven’t seen them before. That was part of how they got in so close through my security. Normally my group is a little bit better defended than this, but they came in with overwhelming force. I’m glad only one person died and that we weren’t open yet for the night. That’s good. They were led by some sort of Tognath. I’ve never seen him before. Kept yelling about trying to find their piece of the Broken Force.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. This is so complicated! Okay, ugh. Do you have any idea where they are now?

NICK (as Keyna): Well, they never said the name of their leader, but they did mention that they were getting back to Lessu. I don’t know why they said it in front of me. Probably because they were gonna kill me, honestly, but I’ve never heard of a planet called Lessu before.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] Oh my god. Oh, it is not a planet. It is a capital city. Oh my god. Okay, fine. Thank you very much.

LILIT: Xianna just looks so pissed and walks over to the vanity and starts rummaging around some of the drawers and then finds a very large jeweled necklace and just holds it up, points to it.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am taking this, because you lied to me and I want it, so I am taking it now. Okay? Thank you. I hope you have a good evening and that you survive the night. Goodbye.

NICK (as Keyna): Surprisingly benevolent of you. That’s, uh… that’s just costume jewelry.

LILIT: [smiling] Xianna throws it into the nearest little trash bin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay! No. You are pointing me out a real one.

NICK (as Keyna): They tossed this whole place. Do you think they didn’t find it?

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, okay! Fine. Whatever.

LILIT: Xianna rummages back into the trashcan, picks up that necklace, throws it back into the little jewelry box, and picks up the whole jewelry box and leaves.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am taking the whole thing then! Goodbye and kriff you!

NICK: As Xianna stomps out of the room, HK’s head swivels 180 degrees to watch her go. Tink, you’re still in a tunnel, just so you know.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: As Xianna walks out of the room, in the distance, almost like far away, you can hear an echoey voice start to sing.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday.

CAMERON: [laughs]

[ominous music begins]

LILIT: The camera zooms in on Xianna’s face as she slowly turns around and stares down this empty dark hallway, and it pans forward and the voice just begins to echo.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my god. Is there… Is this… Is that a ghost?

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s an old man sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, oh wait, never mind. Tink! Tink, is that you, or are you a ghost?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hums loudly to Piano Man]

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, tell me that is you and not a real ghost. I am having a bad day and I do not want to deal with a ghost.

[ominous music fades]

CAMERON: Hudson, I need to know. Does Tink actually have a harmonica or is he making those noises with his mouth?

HUDSON: He’s making those noises with his mouth.

[laughter]

CAMERON: Okay. I didn’t know how prepared he was.

[ominous music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I don’t care if you are Tink or a ghost. I’m leaving now. I don’t need to deal with any of this.

HUDSON: Right in front of Xianna, as it gets louder and louder, suddenly the grate right in front of her feet pops open, and Tink jumps out and says:

[ominous music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing us a song, you’re the piano man!

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink… I cannot deal with this. I am so sorry, friend, but we have… we are going. Okay. Here, you carry this.

LILIT: And shoves the jewelry box into Tink’s arms.

NICK: From the doorway you hear:

NICK (as HK): Primary user, sing us a song tonight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Because we’re all in the mood for a melody!

NICK (as HK): And you’ve got me feeling alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh, we are going now.

NICK: Karma, as you turn to follow your singing friends, Keyna says:

NICK (as Keyna): Wait. Wait, wait. I don’t like being in debt to people, and I imagine you’re gonna be back on Coruscant at some point.

NICK: She reaches under the chair where she’s been sitting and she pulls out a blaster and then sets it in her lap and reaches under the chair again and pulls out a small wooden box. She hands it out to you.

NICK (as Keyna): These are the real ones. I’d like you to share it with your friend. I’m not going to apologize, but hopefully this is close enough.

CAMERON: Karma takes it and opens the box. What is… What are we talking here?

NICK: It’s a simple necklace of yellowish gems that line on a silver chain. It’s very pretty. It’s elegant. You’re not a jeweler, you’re not sure how much it’s worth, but if the gems are real it’s worth probably a couple thousand credits.

NICK (as Keyna): That’ll cover the stim pack and the job, I guess. If you’re ever back on Coruscant, I hope you’ll stop by the Blue Bantha. Fuck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Song Bird?

NICK (as Keyna): I hope you’ll stop by the Song Bird again.

CAMERON: Karma closes the box and hands it back.

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you’re gonna need this more than us, actually, and the people who care have already left the room.

NICK (as Keyna): Wow.

CAMERON (as Karma): Save us… I want one of those booths reserved.

NICK: She smiles real wide and her feathers turn a chipper yellow color and she takes it back.

NICK (as Keyna): Yeah, we’ll keep you the best one in the house. Thanks. I’m Keyna, by the way. I don’t think we’ve been introduced.

CAMERON (as Karma): Karma. Yeah, I’ve heard a lot about you, but it was mostly from Xianna so it hasn’t been great, I’ll be honest.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh, well… sometimes when people are a little bit too similar, you know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I very much appreciated and enjoyed your performance, though, when we were here a few nights ago.

NICK (as Keyna): Thank you.

CAMERON (as Karma): I hope you’re able to recover from this. The bantha statue got destroyed. That’s a bonus, right?

NICK (as Keyna): Oh, that’s a relief. Well I guess it’s time for me to start rebuilding. If you could leave me to it, I think I’m gonna be okay now. Thank you for the stim pack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Good luck.

CAMERON: Karma wants to leave via the front door.

NICK: Okay. So, Tink and HK and Xianna, are you headed to the front door or the side door?

LILIT: What we see is we get a star wipe to the inside of the Blue Bantha slash Song Bird, the main area. There’s burning tables, trash everywhere, smoke in the air, and walking through the smoke is Tink and HK, arms thrown around each other, squishing Xianna into the middle, just a little sandwich, and Xianna looks so unhappy to be there, and HK and Tink are just singing away.

NICK: You all get to the front door and Tink kicks the door open and you see Filo turn around surprised.

HUDSON (as Tink): And man, what are you doing here?!

CAMERON: From behind the singing trio comes a blaster bolt from Karma shooting the bouncer.

NICK: It strikes Filo right between the eyes and he collapses to the ground, and HK’s head swivels 180 degrees.

NICK (as HK): Nice shot, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sweetly] Thanks.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 25 Garage Throw-Down

PDF download: S2 Episode 25 Garage Throw-Down

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 25:
Garage Throw-Down

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Thank you to everyone out there listening to the podcast. We are so happy to see the positive mentions out in the world and to provide some happy distraction when it’s needed. If you haven’t already, please consider leaving a review on your podcatcher of choice or check out our Patreon. We have tons of bonus content out there and would love to share it with you. Thank you everyone for your continued support. Y’all are great.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 25! I’m your host and game master, Nick. It is a gorgeous half of a half of a centennial episode that we have coming for you. Really looking forward to seeing how’s the gang gonna get out of this one. Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. My name is Cameron, and I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Excellent. Last but not least we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer. I’d like to announce my side project completely unaffiliated with Tabletop Squadron.

NICK: Uh-oh.

HUDSON: It’s gonna be Tablebottom Crew, where me and three adventurers go through the desert in search of adventure.

NICK: Yeah… that’s a little awkward, because I also wanted to announce Stoolseat Organization about a loosely affiliated group of people who travel through the desert looking for adventure, so uh… we’re gonna have to have that conversation off-mic I guess, Hudson.

HUDSON: Yeah. Yeah, yeah… I think we can either collaborate or go at each other’s throats. We’ll have to see.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: You know, maybe the rivalry thing will just help boost both of y’all’s listenership. You can just really play it up.

LILIT: Yeah.

HUDSON: Wait-wait-wait. What if every episode is a crossover episode?

[laughter]

NICK: That’s like there’s always a sale at Bed Bath & Beyond.

HUDSON: Yeah.

CAMERON: There is though.

NICK: Well, the real question is how are these two new organizations going to do against Hammockbasin Team?

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Poorly.

LILIT: Not good.

NICK: Yeah, Hammockbasin Team is pretty OP. Great. [laughs] SO before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two dark side.

LILIT: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

CAMERON: Yay Hudson.

NICK: Excellent. So, when we last left off, you all managed to convince hardened criminals that their garage was haunted. You had hidden speakers in the vents, apparently trained Creamsicle to have a packet of blood and be able to pour it out of a grating, you stole a watch and wrote a threatening message in it, and by the end of that a portion of the Kemslinger gang, which you had negotiated with Keyna the jizz singer to eliminate, had fled into the night. Am I missing anything?

LILIT: That sounds about right.

HUDSON: Yeah, yeah.

CAMERON: Yeah, I think you got it.

NICK: Yeah. So we open on the rusty garage that the Kemslingers are using as a hideout. From the single open door we see Zol, the apparent boss of the group, shouting into the Coruscanti night.

NICK (as Zol): Fine, you kriffheads, you run. There’s no such thing as ghosts! If I see you again you’re dead, DEAD, you hear me?

NICK: He slams the door behind him as he returns to the garage. The camera zooms out to see the crew of the Afternoon Delight still perched behind a convenient dumpster having just witnessed this meltdown. It looks like the ghost plan worked. What do you do now?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, so I think Tink said he wanted to pretend to be a ghost team to get into the front door. My vote is we just go through the air vents. Sneak attack. Drop down from the ceiling. They will never suspect it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I don’t think we want to wait long enough for them to call a ghost hunting squad.

HUDSON (as Tink): So basically, instead of being an exorcist I’d be a vent-rocist… through the air vents.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Although, the ghost team is a good idea and that would be better for a long-term scam.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): So we will save it. We will put it in our notebook and we will save it for later.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, a long-term, like whenever we’re in some kind of alternate universe situation if they figure that stuff out.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or if we just decide we want to do a Holonet show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): That too, yeah, uh-huh.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have some industry connections.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Searching Statement: I have found 47 different ghost hunting shows on the Holonet. You would not have a strong competitive advantage.

LILIT (as Xianna): They are quite popular, though they all feel exactly the same.

NICK (as HK): That is my point. If there is that many exactly identical shows, how would you be successful?

LILIT (as Xianna): If there are that many and they are all exactly the same yet they are all successful, that kind of shows that the formula works.

NICK (as HK): That seems to fly into the face of economic theory.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’d think so.

NICK (as HK): I will download new… I don’t know, economic theory? What do I—That doesn’t make any sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): You just have to shift your perspective, HK. You know, sometimes you have these theories about economics or health or life, and they don’t always work out, and even if people are telling you “hey, that’s not how you do that” or “hey, that’s illegal,” you just have to fly in the face of them and just hug justice by the waist.

CAMERON (as Karma): What…? You should not do things that are illegal.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do things that are illegal all the time. We are about to go murder people I think. That’s very illegal.

CAMERON (as Karma): They have bounties on them. It’s fine for me. I’m not doing illegal things.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well Tink and I will be doing illegal things.

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all are my associates.

LILIT (as Xianna): We broke and entered earlier. We did a B&E. That is illegal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Breakfast with eggs! B&E.

LILIT (as Xianna): yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup.

LILIT (as Xianna): We stole property. Also, we did return that property, but we still stole it to begin with.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s borrowing if you really think about it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. True.

CAMERON (as Karma): Malicious borrowing?

HUDSON (as Tink): If we create the show of the future involving ghosts, I think we should call it Spoopy Ghosties.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that’s already a thing. It’s a bad name anyways.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, not a lot of viewership, actually.

LILIT (as Xianna): So are we going to murder them?

HUDSON (as Tink): You don’t have to plan on murdering. Let’s just get in there, see what happens, go with the flow.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just sort of play it loosey-goosey.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, play it by ear, meaning two ears.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I’m going to go through the vents. You two can go however you want. HK, I figured you would just go through the door.

NICK (as HK): If we are taking a stealthy approach, I will follow, silently, like the night. I am extremely stealthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not coming through the vents with me, HK.

NICK (as HK): Really? Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): The metal on metal as you crawl through the vents, I think, is just…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s too loud.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s gonna be hard to be quiet.

HUDSON (as Tink): And what if they magnetize the vents? That would mess up your circuitry and you’d get stuck.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why would they magnetize the vents?

NICK (as HK): To mess up my circuitry so I get stuck.

HUDSON (as Tink): Exactly, for these situations.

CAMERON (as Karma): [pleasantly sarcastic] Oh yeah, good planning there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, got to keep two steps ahead at all times.

NICK (as HK): I will be entering the front door. Who’s with me?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, now I kinda want to go through the front door. If only there were two of me.

CAMERON: Is Tink gonna fit in the vents? [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I also don’t think you could come into the vents with me. You know, maybe it was my fault for offering up the vents to everybody…

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): …when really it would just be me that could fit. Maybe Karma if some of the weapons came off, but I really think it is just going to be me and Creamsicle who can fit in there.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’ll find a skylight.

HUDSON (as Tink): Eh, front door for me I guess. HK, you ready?

NICK (as HK): Absolutely.

NICK: So, Karma and Xianna, I need Stealth checks from you.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie.

LILIT: Okie.

NICK: To be able to get into assault position. Are you planning on doing a coordinated “everybody bust in at the same time” kind of thing?

LILIT: Sounds like it.

CAMERON: I’m sure we’re “planning” on that. We didn’t discuss that before breaking up as a group though. [laughs]

LILIT: This is a Stealth check, and I have Stalker, so I get a blue die.

NICK: It’s an average Stealth check.

LILIT: [giggles wildly]

HUDSON: [gasps] Oh… Ohh!

CAMERON: I have two successes and four advantages.

NICK: Great.

LILIT: Okay, okay… I have two triumphs, both with their successes, and an additional success.

NICK: Oh…

[slow suspenseful music begins]

We get this camera shot of HK and Tink both to either side of the front door, Xianna disappears like a ghost into the vents, Karma climbs silently up onto the roof and finds a conveniently located skylight. Over the coms, very quietly, you hear HK say…

NICK (as HK): We are kicking in… in three, two, one…

NICK: …and the door is kicked open.

[shift to more heavy action music]

HK and Tink slide inside, quickly covering their corners, Karma opens the skylight and drops in, Xianna pops out of a vent with blaster drawn… and there’s no one here.

[music ends abruptly]

But how do you want to spend those triumphs?

LILIT: So that scene happens exactly as you have described. We pop out and all there is is a light settling of dust in the room, and just an eerie silence. However, the people in the other room don’t notice this at all.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: So we’re able to just reset everything for the next room.

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: Like we just all look at each other, look around, and then just whisper:

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, this is embarrassing. Uh, should we just do a do-over? Redo it?

LILIT: [laughs]

NICK: So you look around the room, and the main work area of the garage is pretty much what you would expect a front for a gang to look like. There are tools scattered everywhere, but they’re dirty and not used. There’s no sign of any consistent mechanical work happening. There’s half a speeder in the corner. The room is dark and dingy, there’s a large table that you can see people would gather around on a regular basis, but it looks like the back wall has been roughly demolished.

There’s rubble still scattered around the floor, and it looks like the hideout for the Kemslingers has been dug deeper into the neighboring buildings. There doesn’t appear to be much security, and you find that the way forward is unguarded.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, look at this.

CAMERON: Is the way forward just like… a dug-out hallway?

NICK: Yeah, so the back wall is blown open and, because Coruscant is stacked so close together, it’s into the next building which is also in disrepair. You can see that they’ve smashed out walls making a sort of impromptu tunnel through other abandoned buildings on this level.

LILIT: Xianna looks at Tink and Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Do we just want to do the same thing over again?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh… I mean it worked the first time. It has to work again, right?

LILIT (as Xianna): It would have been super cool if there were people in here.

CAMERON (as Karma): It would have been really cool.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. We’ll just reset everything. Okay, do it again.

LILIT: And Xianna starts climbing back into the vent.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Karma climbs some shelves and gets back up to the skylight and pops back through it onto the roof. [laughs]

NICK: Okay, so you’re jumping from roof to roof.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay. As Karma and Xianna disappear, HK looks at Tink.

NICK (as HK): Well I guess it’s just us again.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, we should probably meet them at the next spot.

NICK (as HK): I assume so. Should I go first or would you like to, Boss Man?

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh… I usually want the fame and glory, but I’ll give it to you this time. You can go first.

NICK (as HK): Much appreciated, and of course that means that I will draw most of the suppressing fire from the enemy if I am seen first.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, you love doing that, don’t you?

NICK (as HK): I do tend to get shot a lot more than the rest of the crew.

LILIT: Since I got two triumphs, can I use one of those triumphs to give all of us blue dice in the next round?

NICK: “Absolutely. That’s a good call.

LILIT: Because we have the element of surprise, and two of us will have the high ground.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Ooh. So we get this shot of Karma jumping from rooftop to rooftop. They’re all very close together, so it’s mostly just walking along the roof looking in skylights. HK and Tink are sliding from cover to cover moving through this tunnel. Xianna is in the vents moving silent.

After going through a few of these knocked-down walls, you can see two Humans holding carbines standing on either side of a metal door. They look to be dressed similarly to the Kemslingers you saw flee into the night earlier. They very clearly are on guard duty.

With all the advantages and triumphs, there is a skylight right above and a vent that is nearby to where they are posted up. They don’t appear to be particularly watchful. You can tell that they look bored. They’re not talking to each other, but they’re not really looking around that much either. So what’s the plan?

CAMERON: I kind of want to jump on one of them from above with my sword.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: I think Xianna is gonna do the very cool spy movie thing of slowly stick the end of the blaster out of the grate in the air vent and line up a shot. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): [softly] So the one on the left of the door is right under my skylight. I can take them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. I won’t shoot that one then.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, there’s no one left for me and HK. HK, looks like we’re gonna have to just sit and watch the show.

HUDSON: I sit down crisscross applesauce style.

NICK: HK slides his back down the wall kind of petulantly and crosses his arms over his rifle. He strokes the blaster for a second.

NICK (as HK): Soon, baby… soon.

[laughter]

NICK: Alright, so I’m going to just take it as a given with how you are doing that you are able to coordinate this simultaneously. I just need an attack roll from each of you. Average difficulty for range, average difficulty for melee. You do get a blue die from your coordinated triumph.

CAMERON: And my sword is Accurate, so I get another blue die.

LILIT: Xianna will be aiming.

NICK: Okay, that makes sense. You have the time to.

CAMERON: Oh, and I’m taking another blue die for Quick Strike, because they haven’t gone yet in combat.

NICK: Fair.

CAMERON: Forgot I had that.

NICK: It occurs to me how many of your builds were set up for ambushes.

CAMERON: I would like to make a prediction that this person is dead. [counts] Seven success and four advantages.

NICK: Yeah, they’re super dead.

CAMERON: So it would be [counts] 12 for the Brawn and the sword, and then I also do 2 additional damage for my Feral Strength talents.

NICK: Wow!

CAMERON: And I crit. [laughs]

NICK: Wow. Yeah, they’re super heckin’ dead. Xianna, how did you do?

LILIT: So I rolled… a triumph with a success, three additional successes, and three advantages.

NICK: So how much damage is that total? I mean, you double crit on him, but I’m just curious.

LILIT: So that would be… my base damage is 7, so that would be 11 damage, Pierce 2, and I crit on 3.

[laughter]

NICK: Yes. Okay. These shmucks are extremely dead. How do you take them down professionally and in synchronous action?

LILIT: So I imagine that Xianna lines up the shot from within the air vent and then coordinates with Karma for Karma’s surprise dropdown.

CAMERON: Do like a three, two, one.

LILIT: Yeah, a lovely little three, two, one.

[heavy metal music begins]

Xianna shoots, Karma drops down, and it is over within a second.

CAMERON: I think Karma superhero lands on the person that she was above and separates the spinal column.

LILIT: And then Xianna yells into the com.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, HK, go!

NICK: HK looks up from where he was holding his rifle.

NICK (as HK): What? Were we doing something? Okay!

NICK: And starts to scramble to his feet and run towards the door.

HUDSON (as Tink): Aye-aye, captain.

HUDSON: Tink says, back through the coms, and runs towards the door.

NICK: So in this hallway that’s covered in rubble, because the walls have been blown out, we see Karma superhero landed on this now bisected gangster, and this other guard has slumped to the ground with a perfectly accurate headshot from the event. HK runs past with Tink close behind, and they kick open this metal door.

[heavy metal music ends]

Inside we see what really just looks like a bachelor pad. You see Zol the Human, the leader of the Kemslingers, with his bright facial tattoos, and he looks like he’s just finished yelling at the other three members of the Kemslingers, a Togruta wearing large gloves, a Human with a buzz cut and two blasters—and those two lounge on a couch that looks like it’s about to fall apart. There’s also a Trandoshan sharpening a large vibro-sword sitting in the corner with a holo screen playing a news reel on mute. As soon as Tink and HK kick open the door, Zol looks up and says:

NICK (as Zol): They finally came for us! We gotta go! Retreat!

NICK: And turns and runs into what looks like a sewer pipe that’s sticking into the wall. You can hear splashing footsteps as he runs down the pipe. The Trandoshan is quick on his feet and also gets up and runs into the pipe. The Togruta and the Human are slower to react. I’m gonna need everybody to roll initiative.

CAMERON: Oh boy. Just two advantages for Karma. HK is two successes and an advantage.

HUDSON: Tink has a success and an advantage.

LILIT: One success, two advantages.

NICK: Can you roll me three yellows twice, please?

CAMERON: One success, four advantages and… two successes, four advantages.

NICK: Alright. So, we are starting with an NPC slot. The gang member with the gloves on, the Togruta, flips backwards over the couch and runs towards the mouth of the tunnel.

[heavy metal music returns]

As she gets to the mouth of the sewer pipe she pulls a grenade out of her pocket and chucks it towards Tink and HK. I’m gonna need you to roll me a yellow and two green versus average difficulty, please.

CAMERON: Okay. Is she aiming her grenade?

NICK: No, she’s not aiming her grenade.

CAMERON: Bad guys aren’t allowed to aim grenades.

NICK: Well, and she used her maneuver to run.

CAMERON: Because bad guys are controlled by Nick. Yeah, just one failure.

NICK: One failure. So the grenade hits above the doorway and explodes, but it’s far enough away that it doesn’t hit anybody. It is really loud, though, in this small room. Your ears are ringing pretty hard. Up next is a PC slot.

HUDSON: Tink closes his eyes as the grenade blows up and then opens them and he’s hearing a ringing.

HUDSON (as Tink): mop, mop, mooop

[laughter]

HUDSON: Because tinnitus.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

HUDSON: Yeah, just gonna explain the joke to everyone out there in the listening world. Tink grabs his axe off his chest and starts running towards the opening.

NICK: Okay. Are you running past the couch with the person with guns and running towards the Togruta who threw the grenade?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: Okay. You are able to make it to the opening. You’re within striking range of this Togruta.

HUDSON: I strike.

NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack. It’s gonna be average difficulty, but it’s going to have two black dice, because she has Defense.

HUDSON: I do get a blue die from the last triumph that Xianna had.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: Five successes and one advantage.

NICK: Ooh… Isn’t your axe Crit 1?

HUDSON: Yes, it’s Crit 1.

NICK: Would you like to roll that crit?

HUDSON: Vicious 4.

NICK: Oh…

CAMERON: Heh, so +40.

HUDSON: Yep.

CAMERON: A 64, so, a 104.

LILIT: 104 is the one that we have called Lost Limb. One limb is permanently lost.

NICK: Oh.

LILIT: Cannot perform actions with limb… because you’ve lost it.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: All other actions incur a black die.

NICK: What do you lop off of this person, Tink?

HUDSON: The hand.

NICK: Okay. So, they go to stop the axe that’s swinging down towards them and you just cut straight through their wrist. How much total damage did you do?

HUDSON: Brawn plus 3, and my Brawn is 4, so 7 damage?

NICK: Plus five successes is 12.

HUDSON: Yep.

NICK: Well… so with 12 damage she has just enough Soak to not instantly die, but she grabs around her wrist and tries to staunch the blood flow as you have cut off her hand, which is not great for a martial artist.

HUDSON: I turn and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks for giving me a hand.

CAMERON: Boo. [laughs]

LILIT: Yeah. You hear from an air vent:

LILIT (as Xianna): Boo~

NICK: [laughs] Up next is the other NPC slot, and they are going to shoot at the person who just cut off their friend’s hand. Can you roll me three yellows versus three purples, please? And give them a blue die, because they’re aiming.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: Aw… not enough to trigger the Dual Wielding. So with just one success that’s 9 damage coming at you, Tink.

HUDSON: Oof, alright.

NICK: This guy draws two pistols from where he’s sitting on the couch. He doesn’t even move. He draws a bead on you with both and shoots. One of them misses, but the other one hits you smack between the shoulder blades.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ow!

NICK: The blaster is a heavier bolt than you’re expecting. These are hand blasters. They’re pistol shaped. They’re small and sleek. It should not have hit as hard as it did. This is some sort of custom gig.

HUDSON (as Tink): What, did you mod this thing?

NICK (as Human): Yeah!

NICK: He spins them both on his fingers and then re-holsters them, because he has Quickdraw 2 which means he can un-holster and re-holster them for free each round.

[laughter, heavy metal music ends]

NICK: That was an NPC slot, so we’re up to a PC slot.

CAMERON: Does HK want to go?

NICK: Sure, HK will go. HK is just gonna take a potshot at the martial artist. So, roll me that ranged attack at average difficulty. It’s gonna be two yellow and two green.

CAMERON: A triumph, two successes, and an advantage.

NICK: Just for funzies, let’s roll that critical hit.

CAMERON: Okie-dokie, a 69!

HUDSON: Nice.

[air horn stinger]

NICK: Plus 10 because she’s already been crit on, plus another 20 because he has 2 sets in Lethal Blows, so +30.

LILIT: 99 is the one that we have named Harmed. One limb is impaired until healed/replaced.

NICK: Oh…

LILIT: Increase difficulty to all checks using that limb.

CAMERON: Oh no. [chuckles]

NICK: So, obviously HK shoots her in the other hand…

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: Oh no.

NICK: …as she goes to try and punch Tink. She collapses from the shock and goes unconscious. She is out of this fight, pretty efficiently, without getting to do anything or show off her cool abilities or talents. That’s fine. [laughs]

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Turns out getting hit with an axe and a sniper rifle does a lot of damage.

CAMERON: Weird.

NICK: Who woulda thunk? Up next is another PC slot. There is the gunslinger on the couch. There is a Trandoshan and Zol somewhere back in the sewer system. Who wants to go next?

CAMERON: Do the vents connect from outside into this room?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: Or does Xianna have to get out?

NICK: No, I think Xianna can stay in the vents. With all those triumphs and everything, these vents are very convenient.

CAMERON: These vents are controlled by Xianna’s mind.

LILIT: Xianna is the vents.

[laughter]

NICK: Xianna regulates temperature and airflow.

LILIT: Xianna can go again.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: And go for the nearest person to her, which would be…

NICK: That would be the gunslinger. The martial artist is down and the other two have disappeared into the sewer.

LILIT: Alright, the gunslinger then. She’s gonna aim.

NICK: Makes sense.

LILIT: Okay, so I have gotten a triumph with its success, four additional successes, and an advantage. [laughs]

NICK: How much total damage is that?

LILIT: Twelve damage, two of that is Pierce.

NICK: Yeah, so you kill this guy… Do you just shoot him in the head? How do you bring this guy down before he can do anything? He’s very competent in a gunfight, so it is impressive.

LILIT: Xianna just lines up another shot and gets him from within the vent. I think maybe the initial chaos happened so quickly that nobody realized where the shot came from, so nobody’s looking in Xianna’s direction, because nobody is suspecting that it came from within the air vent.

NICK: That makes sense. So you are still completely sneaky. The room has been cleared. He slumps into the couch, obviously dead, because the back of his head is no longer attached.

At this point you have convinced three of the Kemslingers that their base is haunted by a vengeful ghost and they want nothing to do with this place anymore, you have killed two carbine-wielding guards, a martial artist and a gunslinger, and the only two other gangsters you’ve seen in this entire place have fled into the sewers. There’s one more PC slot. Karma, what do you wanna do?

CAMERON: I take off into the sewers.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: Just sprinting across the room.

NICK: With a maneuver you’re able to get across the room. Would you like to use another maneuver to run deeper into the sewer?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: I’m trying to catch up to one of them.

NICK: Make me an Athletics check to see how fast you’re able to go. That’s not technically in the rules, but I wanna see if you’re able to catch up to this Trandoshan who got a head-start.

CAMERON: What difficulty of Athletic?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: Three advantages!

NICK: Okay, so you’re not able to quite catch up to him, but you do see that he is about to round the corner and run deeper into the sewers. Zol is missing. You would be able to take a shot at him if you want, or do you want to continue to try to run him down?

CAMERON: I will take a shot if he’s about to turn a corner.

NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be average difficulty but two black dice because it’s dark in here and because he’s moving so quickly away from you.

CAMERON: Well you know what, Nicholas, with my carbine I remove two black dice for darkness, because I have Heat Signatures.

NICK: Okay, so one of them was for darkness.

CAMERON: Hey!

[laughter]

CAMERON: Rude. I’m aiming. So, with Quickdraw, Karma will swing her carbine around from her back, probably keeping the sword in her hand still, and brings it up, sees the heat signature at the corner and shoots. A success and two advantages.

NICK: How much damage is that?

CAMERON: Fourteen.

NICK: Whoa. With his Soak he is still up, but he stops before turning the corner, turns back towards you, holds up his sword and says…

NICK (as Trandoshan): I don’t run from a fight.

NICK: …and starts to charge you. We’re back to the top of the order with an NPC slot.

CAMERON: Cool. Karma swings her gun back around but still has her sword in her hand.

NICK: This Trandoshan is going to charge you. If you could roll me an average difficulty melee attack at three yellows, please.

CAMERON: And two blacks.

NICK: Oh, you have Defense with your new armor, don’t you?

CAMERON: Well I have 1 Defense from my sword and 1 Defense from my armor.

NICK: Nice.

CAMERON: Yup. Three successes.

NICK: So that is going to be… 8 damage coming at you, Pierce 2.

CAMERON: So 4 damage.

NICK: I think this looks like you’re able to parry the first blow, you block the other one off of one of your arm plates of your new armor, but he is able to land a gash into the side of your neck where the armor doesn’t cover. It’s shallow, but he manages to get a hit, and his lizard smile spreads really wide as he glares at you.

CAMERON: Cool.

NICK: Up next is a PC slot.

CAMERON: I would like it, please. [laughs]

NICK: Yeah, go for it.

CAMERON: Now I’m going to holster my gun.

NICK: [laughs] Using Quickdraw.

CAMERON: Using Quickdraw, to holster my gun.

NICK: Great.

CAMERON: It’s not in the way anymore. I’m going to attack with my sword.

NICK: Okay. He does have one black die against you, because his sword also has Defense.

CAMERON: Cool. One success, three advantages.

NICK: So you crit on him.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Alright. Go ahead and roll that crit.

CAMERON: A 20?

NICK: So +70?

CAMERON: So then 90?

NICK: Oh my gosh.

LILIT: So 90 is Compromised. Increase difficulty until end of encounter.

NICK: Wow. How much damage did you do?

CAMERON: Nine.

NICK: Nine damage.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: How do you take this guy out?

CAMERON: I return the same cut that he just got in on me, but I go way deeper.

NICK: The vibro-sword buries into his neck.

CAMERON: Yeah, and the smile drops from his face.

NICK: Yeah, and then the rest of him drops as well, into the water.

HUDSON: Can Tink yell something, the last thing he hears before he goes?

CAMERON: Yes.

NICK: Yeah?

HUDSON: Across down the tunnel, Tink yells:

HUDSON (as Tink): Where’s the dildo, you lizard scum?!

[laughter]

NICK: The pained expression on the Trandoshan’s face looks extremely confused and then he expires and falls facedown into the little rivulet of water in this sewer. Everything gets weirdly quiet. We’re gonna drop out of initiative order.

CAMERON: I’m gonna wipe off my blade on the Trandoshan’s clothes.

NICK: Okay. He’s wearing padded armor, so it’s pretty easy to do. Your blade is clean.

CAMERON: Yay.

LILIT: In the background everyone else can hear the banging on a metal grate then Xianna shouting.

LILIT (as Xianna): Uh… Tink, or HK? Karma? Can somebody help me? The grate is stuck. I cannot get out.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, step about five feet back from the grate. HK, shoot the grate.

NICK (as HK): Suppressing fire.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh shit!

[laughter]

CAMERON: Karma’s running down the tunnel back towards the room.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wait, wait, wait!

LILIT: You hear frantic scrambling inside the vent.

NICK: The blaster is spinning up and HK’s head just turns 90 degrees independent of his body to look at Karma approaching.

NICK (as HK): What seems to be the problem? [rapid fire noises]

[laughter]

NICK: And just blows a giant hole in the vent. It doesn’t hit Xianna, but I think it destabilizes the vent and drops her out of it, because the bottom cracks.

LILIT: Oh yeah. Xianna tumbles out, getting dirt all over herself, and she stands up and starts brushing herself off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh… okay, thank you, HK. That… ugh, that was helpful. Okay. So uh, all the shitty people are dead. Very cool.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mission accomplished.

NICK (as HK): One of them does appear to have escaped into the sewer.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, well… [huffs]. I’m not going to chase them through the sewers. Everybody spread out and we have to look for the crystal.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, if it’s just one person, that’s not a group anymore, that’s a person.

NICK: Everybody tell me where their character decides to look for the Space Breaker.

HUDSON: Under the bed.

NICK: We see Tink looking under the bed. There’s some dirt. There’s boxes and boxes of little plastic baggies with nothing in them. There’s what looks like some old speeder parts that were shoved back there and forgotten, but no Space Breaker.

LILIT: Xianna begins to look through any safes or cabinets or large toolboxes.

NICK: There’s a couple of those large stand-up toolboxes that you can wheel around with the slidy drawers, and you’re able to, without even trying, pop the simple lock on those and look through. You do find a little bit of glitterstim, like half a baggie of one, but the rest of it seems to be a stash that was already cleared out or old tools again.

There is a couple of storage containers and things like that that don’t have much besides some clothes and it looks like a couple of bags of supplies, like some food and things if they had to leave quickly. We’ll come back to the safe thing in a second. Karma, where do you look?

CAMERON: Karma goes to search the crates that are behind the couch but on her way there stops by the gunslinger and takes his guns and then continues to the crates and starts going through them.

NICK: Okay. You take these two pistols. They look like light blasters, but the barrels are a lot thicker than you would expect. They’re standard light blasters, the only difference is that they do 8 damage instead of 5.

CAMERON: Cool.

NICK: But they don’t have any of the fancy add-ons or anything. They’re just wide-chamber for some reason. Where else did you say you looked?

CAMERON: At a stack of crates that were set up behind the couch, helping the couch remain stable-ish as a couch.

NICK: As you unstack them so you can begin to look through them, the couch finally gives up the ghost and collapses into a pile of upholstery.

CAMERON: So the place IS haunted.

NICK: Ah…

CAMERON: Ha! [giggles]

NICK: Tell me three useless things that you find in these crates.

CAMERON: A block of nice cheese.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

CAMERON: More crates.

NICK: You find additional crates in the crates. They’ve clearly been dealing with a certain smuggler…

CAMERON: Yeah, that had a lot of crates.

NICK: …that you found on Ithor.

CAMERON: And a can that you can’t open but it sounds like it has spiders in it.

NICK: Yeah, there’s probably some droids in there or something. It’s a perfectly normal explanation.

So, obviously these crates don’t have what you’re looking for. It just looks like this gang had been hulled up here collecting stuff and just minding their own business minus some drug trade for the recent past. You do find some documentation of they had sold some people to Hutts in the past, so they’re, you know, assholes, but lately they haven’t really been up to that.

We do see HK who is lifting up the rug that’s on the ground to see if there’s anything under it. There’s nothing under it.

CAMERON: [chuckles] There could have been a trap door.

NICK: Well there wasn’t.

CAMERON: Well there could have been.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON: HK’s got good instincts.

NICK: Let’s swing back to that safe question. Xianna, will you roll me a Skulduggery check, please, at daunting difficulty.

LILIT: Daunting? Okay, that is four?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: It’s all catching up. [chuckles]

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: Alright, that is one failure, three advantages.

NICK: So you don’t find a safe. You don’t find any more stashes. You don’t really find anything salvageable in this room. However, with your three advantages, I’m going to say you’re able to do a very thorough onceover of this place. You know for a fact that there are no hidden hiding places here that you haven’t already found. You can say for certain that the crystal dildo is not here.

LILIT: Xianna kicks some trash on the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): Kriffing slavers. These people suck!

HUDSON (as Tink): Not find it?

LILIT (as Xianna): No!

NICK: Tink, are you sitting on the decomposing pile of couch now?

HUDSON: Yes.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did not find it anywhere. There is no way it is in this place.

NICK (as HK): Do you think the Human that fled might have it, or do you think it was never here in the first place?

CAMERON (as Karma): Is a crystal dildo really something you keep on your person normally?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think you keep it in your person. Heyo!

CAMERON (as Karma): Ah… I don’t think people would necessarily be carrying it around.

NICK (as HK): He may have taken it to flee with his most valuable possession when they were under attack.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did he have time, though?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. He did not grab anything before leaving.

CAMERON (as Karma): We were hella sneaky, up until that last bit.

LILIT: Xianna dejectedly flops down onto the ground.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think I was lied to.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I think we got played.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I did not detect any duplicity. In what way were you lied to?

LILIT (as Xianna): I think that the singer, whatever her name was at the Blue Bantha—

NICK (as HK): Keyna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Keyna. I think she lied to us. I don’t think it was here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Wasn’t it called the Songbird?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh whatever. Of the Bluebird. I’m calling it that now. Fine. It’s a silly name. But I think she just told us it was here so that we would kill these shitty ass people so they would stop bothering her.

HUDSON (as Tink): Sounds like we need to pay someone a visit.

LILIT (as Xianna): Can we make it extra dramatic so I can feel better? Can we bust in through the windows again? That was fun.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m gonna say no, but we can get pizza cones on the way. Would that help?

NICK (as HK): You have already consumed so many pizza objects.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey, we had pizza earlier tonight, I know. We’ve done a violence since then, okay? We need pizza cones.

LILIT: Xianna sighs.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay HK, what if I get one of the pizza cones that has a vegetable in it? Is that okay then?

NICK (as HK): I do not see… well, actually, if you get one with an alfredo base instead of a tomato base it’s basically a different food.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, I could get the spinach alfredo pizza cone. Then it’s got spinach, and that’s good for you, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): It basically makes the whole thing healthy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Exactly.

NICK (as HK): Although I do not understand the basics of nutrition, not having needed to use that discipline, I am not sure that spinach soaked in a cream-based sauce is healthy.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a salad.

NICK (as HK): Oh, my mistake. Thank you for teaching me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Spinach is a salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): In a bread bowl.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): I think it will be fine, and that would make me feel a lot better. So let’s go get the pizza cones, and we’ll eat them on the way over, and then we’ll just like bust in the windows and rough up the place.

NICK: So we cut to the crew of the Afternoon Delight back in front of the Songbird, or the Blue Bantha, whatever it’s called.

CAMERON: Or the Bluebird.

NICK: Or the Bluebird. Standing in front of the door. There’s a large bouncer standing in front of the doorway, and as you approach you’re holding your pizza cones and the bouncer politely taps a sign next to the door that says “no outside food or drink” and just waits politely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah, looks like I gotta finish this one. Wanna race?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

LILIT: Xianna is just eating the pizza cone while just staring the bouncer straight in the eyes.

[menacing music begins]

NICK: The bouncer stares back and tries to be tough, but as the pizza cone disappears much more quickly than one would expect you can see that he looks more and more concerned at how quickly Xianna is able to eat this pizza cone. Not even noting all the weapons and armor that you all are wearing.

[menacing music ends]

HUDSON: I say…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ahem.

HUDSON: …to the bodyguard, and he gives me a look, and I’m looking back into his eyes, and I’m eating the pizza cone too and trying to do better than Xianna, so I put my mouth wide open and stuff the pizza cone in it and I start sucking down the sauce like a child suckling at their mother’s teat.

CAMERON: Oh no…

[laughter]

HUDSON: Just to like, intimidate, you know?

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

[laughter]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 24 Phantasm Fun

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 24:
Phantasm Fun

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

No real announcements for this week, so I just want to thank everyone for listening and remind them to leave a review on their podcatcher of choice if they haven’t already. Thank you everyone for your continued support of Tabletop Squadron.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 24 of Tabletop Squadron, your best source for tactics and…

LILIT: Wow~

NICK: …and everyone saying the Owen Wilson “wow.” Yeah.

CAMERON: [laughs] Wow~

HUDSON: Wow~

LILIT: Wow~

NICK: Our two biggest contributions to the internet space are wows and tactics. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Wow~! I’m Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Up next we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Alright, alright, alright~

NICK: No, that’s the other guy.

LILIT: That’s a different person.

HUDSON: Oh, whoops.

LILIT: That’s Matthew McConaughey.

HUDSON: Oh… Oh! Owen Wilson—

NICK: I wish everyone could see the face that you made when you said “whoops” really non-convincingly.

[laughter]

LILIT: You thought I was lying to you.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: And last but not least we have Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a very emotionally drained Nautolan bounty hunter.

HUDSON: Aww.

NICK: Makes sense. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: [laughing] Two dark side.

NICK: Appropriate.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Great, so two dark side, three light side?

CAMERON: Yep.

HUDSON: Correct.

[slinky music begins]

NICK: When we last left  you all, Karma had a very emotionally draining conversation with Keer, the father of her children. Tink and Xianna and HK did some looking back in time to figure out the source of who threw up next to the hot tub as well as doing some nice hot tubbing. You all prepared in your own special way for the mission that had been requested of you by Keyna, the singer in the Songbird jizz club, and you all went to get popsicles. That’s where we’re gonna start off.

We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight crouched behind a pile of trash. They are overlooking a rusted building nestled against a larger skyrise. The Kemslingers have hulled up in an old garage right at the perimeter of the lower levels. You know if you go much deeper Coruscant starts to become wilderness.

The cleaning crew and planetary upkeep teams only go so far. You run into hiding places, strange creatures, toxic swamps, all sorts of things that happen when a city has grown so large that no one knows where the bottom is. This is just past that line. You can actually see the part of the street where the cleaning droids stop and retreat to higher levels.

The garage itself is dusty and looks abandoned from the outside. There’s very little activity, and chunks of totaled speeders dot the front. There’s a single metal door inset in front of the building between two rusted garage doors that look like they wouldn’t open unless you hit them with a thermal detonator. We can see that Tink, Xianna and Karma are each holding a slightly melted popsicle while they stake out their target.

HUDSON: I take a look at my grape popsicle and I say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey HK, I know we’re behind some trash, so you must feel right at home, huh? Ha-ha.

[slinky music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, are you negging me in an opportunity to make me want to hang out with you more?

HUDSON (as Tink): [embarrassed] No…

LILIT (as Xianna): That sounds like a yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, I wasn’t very popular growing up and now I’m trying to do what they did to me. Seeing if it works. I read this book online—

LILIT (as Xianna): You need to stop reading random books you just find.

CAMERON (as Karma): Tink, that’s called bullying.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s not good.

NICK (as HK): Your tactics will not work. You cannot hurt my feelings, Tink, because I do not have any.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… that’s sad.

NICK (as HK): However, sometimes I do search for vengeance. I suggest you watch yourself.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, I feel like vengeance is an emotion, you know?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think vengeance is like right beside hunger on the emotion scale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hunger is an emotion?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah! Physically hungry, but also emotionally hungry, you know?

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughing] Emotionally hungry.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is very similar to being angry.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. Hangry, angry…

LILIT (as Xianna): Revenge!

HUDSON (as Tink): …same root word.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. But anyways.

CAMERON: Karma makes a face and eats her ocean water popsicle.

LILIT: Xianna waves her pineapple popsicle around.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie. Are we just going to run in there and kill them? Steal the object and just leave it at that? Or, what else do we do?

[slinky music returns]

HUDSON (as Tink): I think I have a plan. I recently saw a movie that inspired me.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh dear.

HUDSON (as Tink): What if we send in Creamsicle through the roof, through the vents, to start causing a little bit of mischief around the garage such as having a pack of blood just ooze from one of the vent openings or maybe have a clamor in the far part of the garage where no one’s been for a long time, or maybe having spills or oil just fly out of cars because Creamsicle will be in the car throwing things around and—

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you suggesting that we fake a ghost haunting so that they will get scared and leave?

HUDSON (as Tink): That is exactly what I’m suggesting. You are in tip-top shape today, mentally. I applaud you, and I think we should then come to the front door and pretend like we are a ghost hunting crew that can help them find out the effects of the ghost, what kind they are, what their hobbies and interest are, how extreme they are, if they’re like extreme with one X or two Xs or three Xs, you know, the levels, and see if we can scare them out of their place like you mentioned.

CAMERON (as Karma): You’ve been staying up too late watching all the ghost hunter shows, haven’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): No-no.

LILIT: Xianna holds out her palm, like open-handed.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think Tink has a good idea, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): To answer your question, Karma, it was a movie. It was called Ghost Hunters.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a miniseries special based on the TV show.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Well, whatever form of media I consumed I sure did consume it, my boy.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): But I think the base idea is good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like what if instead of setting everything up and doing all the sneaking and having to kill people… that’s so much work, what if we just make them think it’s haunted? And they just leave? And somebody else was killing them anyways, so maybe they will be extra scared and, you know, run away, and we don’t have to do any heavy lifting.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can Creamsicle write in English?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I have tried that, but she can carry a bag of blood.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is confirmed.

HUDSON (as Tink): So we can maybe write the blood message when we’re in there investigating.

NICK (as HK): Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes?

NICK (as HK): You are very specific that Creamsicle can carry a bag of blood. Where have you been finding bags of blood?

[slinky music ends]

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t ask questions, HK. Mind your own business.

NICK (as HK): I don’t know why you would ask me why I would be interested in bags of blood. It’s just idle curiosity.

LILIT (as Xianna): We all know you are interested in bags of blood, HK! You talk about it all the time!

NICK (as HK): I am interested in tubes of blood. Tubes of blood.

LILIT (as Xianna): You just walk in while we are eating our cereal and you go “ello, has anybody had a bag of—or a tube of blood today?” And we have to tell you no every single day.

NICK (as HK): I disagree with that assessment, as I have never said “ello” in my life.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know what I mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, check that off your bucket list. You just did that.

NICK (as HK): Kriff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ha-ha! If the vents are big enough for me to fit in as well, we can put a clear paint finish on their walls, in English, and then Creamsicle can spill the bag of blood when they are actually there, and then they can’t hear me in the vents because it’s Creamsicle. She’s so much smaller, makes no sound.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s a good idea.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright. This is coming together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I do not see how this is less work. I do think just breaking in and starting shooting is a bad idea, because we don’t know how many people are in there and what their arsenal looks like, but we know they’re probably well-armed because they’ve been being hunted and their gang members…

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s less work.

CAMERON (as Karma): How?!

LILIT (as Xianna): Because one, we already have speakers that we can set up to pump in spooky sounds. We have spooky sound music already from that one dinner party we threw. We have the bags of blood. We have the weird paint finish—don’t ask why I have it—that will cause the blood to form letters. And this way nobody gets shot at.

NICK (as HK): Karma, it is like you say, even though this may take more physical effort than merely killing the organics, if you enjoy what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life.

[slinky music returns]

LILIT (as Xianna): Also it would just be funny, yes. HK has a point. It’s funny.

HUDSON (as Tink): You could come up with a persona!

LILIT (as Xianna): Theoretically they will be scared and we never have to actually go in as ghost hunters, only if some of them don’t want to leave. But this is just funnier and then none of us get shot at, because I don’t like that, because then Tink gets weird with the pretending he is a doctor thing.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… I’ll just ignore that last part.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are not a doctor.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not your doctor. You refuse.

LILIT (as Xianna): Correct. You are not my doctor or anybody’s.

HUDSON (as Tink): So Karma, are you convinced?

CAMERON (as Karma): Not really, but knock yourselves out, kids.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! I was about to have to make a huge deal about how this may or may not be a democracy within our group and so we would have to vote, but I’m glad I don’t have to do that.

LILIT (as Xianna): We do this, and if worse case it fails then we can just go in and shoot them I guess. But this way nobody gets shot at.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, backup plans are backup plans. What is everyone’s fake personas?

LILIT (as Xianna): I am a spooky ghost. Woooo~!

HUDSON (as Tink): That is not a fake persona. We’re knocking on the door. We can’t say “here’s our ghost.”

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs] “Hello, I hear you’re haunted. We brought a ghost with us.”

LILIT (as Xianna): I won’t be at the door. I will be in the vents.

HUDSON (as Tink): “Oh no-no-no, this is a good ghost. You have the bad ghost in there.”

LILIT (as Xianna): Be rattling things around and cutting eyeholes out of their paintings. They probably don’t have any paintings in their terrible gang garage, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): They could have posters.

LILIT (as Xianna): We can cut the eyes out of the posters. Hopefully there are people on the posters and not just speeders or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Mm-hmm. Okay, so you do want to be a ghost, just to be clear?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I figured I will be in their vents placing all of this stuff.

HUDSON (as Tink): That works out. Karma?

CAMERON (as Karma): I suppose I am the muscle for this ghost hunting crew.

NICK (as HK): But what will the name of your alternate personality be?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… Daphne Blake.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a good one.

HUDSON (as Tink): I am gonna be… Reverend Daniel Bearback. You can call me Rev. Bearback.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I don’t think you can have that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why not?

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we have explained this before. There are connotations to that name.

HUDSON (as Tink): No-no-no, like the bear, like rawr. You know?

[slinky music ends]

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh-huh.

LILIT (as Xianna): There are connotations with that name. If you are okay with those connotations, fine, but I warned you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Okay. I’ll come up with a different name.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie.

NICK (as HK): My name will be Cogster Johnson… ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Very good. Very good.

HUDSON (as Tink): Cogster… [laughs] Wait, Cogster Johnson?

NICK (as HK): Cogster Johnson, ghost assassin.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, I’m going to place speakers into their garage and then I’m going to give everybody the other end so everybody can make different types of spooky ghost sounds. Well maybe not you, HK, I don’t know if they would believe that a droid died and decided to haunt their place.

NICK (as HK): This is probably a fair assessment. I will focus on the assassin part of this mission.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, got my persona. I am going to be Reverend Connor Suckerpunch. Now, it’s Reverend Suckerpunch, because my move when I exorcise the ghost is to sucker punch them.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, that makes sense.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s very convenient that you ended up in a profession that you could tie it to your name so well.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

NICK: So it sounds like you have a plan to create a fake haunting in this garage, to such an extreme that these hardened criminals flee forever, thus destroying their organization. Is that accurate?

LILIT: Correct.

HUDSON: Yes.

LILIT: And I would like to flip a light side point to say that we just have all of these supplies, for some reason.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Any of the supplies we need to create this haunting are somehow on the ship.

NICK: I think there’s a combination of them being on the ship or really easy to get at a corner store or something. We don’t have to go through procuring the basics.

LILIT: I just want a whole bunch of special effects just in the ship for some reason.

NICK: We can do that. That’s worth a light side point. But I do want to know where the blood came from.

HUDSON: It came from Cheapo Mart. [musically] Cheapo Mart, buy our shit. It’s cheap. La-la-la.

CAMERON: [snickers] Good jingle.

LILIT: Let’s see… Oh, Xianna stumbled upon an illegal blood bank and decided to steal all of that blood. It wasn’t viable anyways, but it will be good for arts and crafts.

NICK: Okay. Good to know.

CAMERON: Wow. [laughs]

NICK: So, what is Step 1 of this plan to make the garage appear haunted? What are you doing first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Creamsicle, go forth!

LILIT: Xianna’s gonna go into the vents with Creamsicle and set everything up that she can from there.

NICK: Okay. I need two things from you. I would like you to do a Skulduggery check at hard difficulty to find the best way to get through their security and into the vents. Then after that, assuming that goes well, it will determine how hard your Stealth check is to put stuff everywhere without getting caught.

LILIT: Can I have a blue die because we staked the place out and have a better idea of when they will be there and when they won’t?

NICK: Yeah, for sure, and because you’re not really in a rush on this, so you can take your time.

LILIT: I got six successes and one advantage.

NICK: Wow. So this place has large vents that crisscross through the ceiling. It has a fake drop ceiling that you’re able to climb through as well, so you don’t need just the vents. This building is tucked against another building, but how do you get up on the roof and into the building without being seen? With that many successes I think part of your Skulduggery is you’re definitely in the building. The Stealth check will just be for setting things up.

LILIT: I think in this part of Coruscant there’s probably a lot of smog and smoke and various things from manufacturing plants and other industries, so Xianna just waits for a moment when the smoke is heavier at night and uses that to blend in and sort of stay close to the buildings and gets onto the roof of the adjacent building and sort of army crawl sneaks over to the actual garage.

NICK: Okay. There are stacks of crates and speeder parts, so you’re able to climb up onto the roof of the garage if you want, and there’s a big open vent that looks like it rusted apart a long time ago. So you’re able to get into the building.

LILIT: Yes, and then once inside the building Xianna will go through the vents and place tiny little speakers onto the grates in various places and a few tiny little projectors as well, in one or two of the vents, and will wait for them to leave the room. Once that has been done will exit out of the vents and take a bit of clear unobservable paint that is hydrophobic and paint “LEAVE NOW” in big spooky letters on one of the walls that is below a vent. And also just steal a few things.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: [laughs] And also steal a few things. Great.

LILIT: Just for fun. [laughs]

NICK: For doing that with how well you cased the joint and how prepared you are, make me an average Stealth check to get everything just so and exactly where you want it, but you will have a black die because you’ve never been here before.

LILIT: I can add a blue die per rank of Stalker to all Stealth and Coordination checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Alright, I have a triumph with its success and two advantages.

NICK: Nice. What additional thing do you find out with this triumph or what cool thing do you steal?

LILIT: Hmm… Xianna steals somebody’s very nice pocket watch that definitely has an engraving on it from some relative, assumedly dead relative. Xianna takes that. Do we wanna say maybe they have computers pulled up with all of their criminal activity? Can Xianna find out all of their criminal activities?

NICK: Sure.

LILIT: Great. What are their criminal activities?

NICK: So, you drop down into this garage and you’re painting a spooky message on the wall in clear paint, and there’s several data banks up against the wall. They look a lot newer than the rest of the garage, still not in the best repair but not original parts to be sure. Some of the screens are still on and functioning, and you can see kind of like a little black book program of various transactions that they’ve been doing, and they’ve been doing some pretty bad stuff.

It looks like since they were kicked out of the, as it references in the notes, Blue Bantha Jizz Club that the Kemslingers have leaned really heavily into trafficking drugs, but before they used the club to get their clients and now since they have less clients they’re cutting it with stuff that’s potentially poisonous. They’re being a lot less safe and they’re kinda screwing over their customers.

In addition to that, you can see that they occasionally will kidnap people off the streets of Coruscant and sell them to Hutts out of the system. It doesn’t appear that they have anybody right now, but they’ve been stealing people, which is pretty messed up, and that seems to be where they’re getting a majority of their money.

So, you’re able to jump back up into the vent before people go by.

LILIT: Xianna gets back out and hands the pocket watch to HK and asks HK to redo the engraving on the pocket watch. If it says like “yours forever” have HK re-engrave out onto the sides of it so it says like “your soul shall forever be mine” and make it very creepy.

NICK: Heh. HK takes the pocket watch and says:

NICK (as HK): This is funny, because it will terrify somebody with a personal artifact of theirs.

NICK: There’s a click in his wrist and a very thin blade seems to fountain up and then solidify and he starts with mechanical precision to etch the words in. He even matches the font. It looks like it’s always like that. Then, HK stops for a second and says…

NICK (as HK): Wait.

NICK: …and starts to carve on it again so now the letters look all drippy too.

NICK (as HK): Hopefully this will cause an organic some extreme distress.

NICK: And hands it back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK. This is very good.

LILIT: Then Xianna hands it to Creamsicle, and Creamsicle runs back off into the vent, hopefully to put it back where it was found.

NICK: Hard to tell with Creamsicle. Maybe. Maybe Creamsicle will go eat snacks out of the kitchen. So, that was the first thing. You’ve really set the stage with scary microphones, tiny projectors aimed at mirrors, and a potential invisible ink on the walls. What else are you going to set up?

HUDSON: I go to the control panel outside the building that’s connected to the energy source of the building, and I make it so that the lights will flicker on and off and on and off randomly for the next few hours.

NICK: Alright. I think with how well Xianna skulduggled the place you’re able to get right up next to it without having to be particularly sneaky. She’s identified all of the proper approaches that won’t be observed. So, I just need a hard slicing check from you, but you can have a blue die because Xianna did see their computer systems unlocked and was able to tell you that not all of them are currently password protected so it’ll be easier to get in.

LILIT: I tell you the make and model so you can know if there are any pre-programmed backdoors or anything.

NICK: “Oh, they’ve got an Omega3 tower? You just elbow it like Fonzie and go ‘aaay.’”

HUDSON: [laughs]

LILIT: You just go into Programs, File, 64, File again…

HUDSON: Definitely Not Porn folder, and then you’re in.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: Two successes and five advantages.

NICK: Wow. So the lights will now flicker on and off dramatically at the appropriate times. I think you’re also able to discover quite a bit of other information and maybe do something else with their systems that’s gonna make their life harder with five advantages. What do you think that would be?

HUDSON: I take down their website and chatroom.

NICK: [laughs] Okay. They had one of those forums that they use to recruit people over time and it’s just totally gone and replaced with just the color green. Just the whole screen is this particular shade of green. You go there and it just is one color, no font, nothing.

CAMERON: “Sorry boss, SpacerSoft is having an outage.”

[laughter]

NICK: Their online communications are shut down as well. They’re not going to be reaching outside of their building using the Holonet. Do you also hack the thermostat?

HUDSON: Yes, I hack the thermostat so that it gets very cold in random places in the building.

NICK: Okay. Karma, what is your plan to make this garage seem even more haunted?

CAMERON: So, the first thing Karma does is goes and picks up a cheese pizza for everybody.

NICK: Aw.

CAMERON: Because we’ve been sitting here watching all day, so we’re hungry.

NICK: Yeah, it’s pretty late after dinner time by this point.

CAMERON: And we were just talking about hunger being an emotion and everyone realized that they were indeed hungry, so accomplished a pizza first.

NICK: Y’all have had pizza three times in three meals.

CAMERON: False! Those were pizza cones beforehand.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: In the middle. So it was pizza, then two pizza cones, and then pizza again.

LILIT: Well, popsicles and then pizza.

CAMERON: Mm-hmm.

NICK: Oh, that totally resets the counter.

LILIT: Yeah.

CAMERON: It does, yeah. Mm-hmm.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Completely different. Popsicles are a fruit.

HUDSON: Ah.

[laughter]

NICK: So we get a quick scene of you all sitting with your backs to a dumpster just eating a pizza together and then tossing the box into the dumpster and getting back to work.

CAMERON: Yup. Then Karma goes over, I’m guessing it’s probably near where Tink was accessing the electric controls for the building, and has to dig a little bit at the base of the building with her knife but then has a wire that she pulls out slightly and has a blade set against it so she can cut the phone line.

NICK: Okay. Cool. Very cool. So, this garage is primed and ready to be very spooky very quickly. You all were extremely successful. Turns out setting up a fake haunting is well within your skillset. I’m as surprised as—well, I would say surprised as y’all are, but this was your idea, so I guess I’m surprised as the audience is.

I think the best way to show how successful this is… is to get it from the perspective of the people inside the building, so we’re going to switch to the Kemslingers who are hanging out in this garage waiting for their next big deal, and I want you all to play a Kemslinger as the haunting starts to happen. So, we’ll go around the table and everybody introduce your Kemslinger and what they look like and what their name is.

HUDSON: I’m a Human named Angry Albert. They call me Angry Albert because, uh… I have a bit of a temper.

NICK: What does Angry Albert look like?

HUDSON: Angry Albert has a bowl cut, wears a bowtie, every now and again wears suspenders… and boots.

NICK: Okay.

HUDSON: [in a sort of old timey gangster voice] He sounds like this! I just oughta—well, I just wallop them in the face, you know?!

NICK: I love it. Great.

LILIT: I will be playing a Chadra-Fan named Big Joe.

NICK: Okay, so you’re a very small cute bat person named Big Joe.

LILIT: Yes, but they have a scar running across one of their eyebrows and eyes so that you know they’re hardcore.

NICK: Okay. [laughs]

HUDSON: How tall is Big Joe?

LILIT: Like three feet tall.

HUDSON: Yeah.

LILIT: Like one meter.

HUDSON: [laughs] Great.

LILIT: At most. Big Joe is not very big.

CAMERON: I will be playing an Anselmi…

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: …named Darla Rockthrower.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: So, Anselmi are the other main species that live on Glee Anselm, and they hate Nautolans, because the Nautolans live on turtles in the ocean and for some reason the Anselmi decided to live on land and there’s not a lot of that on Glee Anselm.

HUDSON: I know how you got your name.

CAMERON: Noun Verber?!

HUDSON: Yes! But, you were known as a child growing up as the kid who threw rocks at trains.

CAMERON: [laughs] I’ve been bad since I was 6, throwing rocks at trains. The Anselmi kind of look like spiky turtles. They’re still amphibians, but they look more reptilian than Nautolans do.

[slow guitar music begins]

NICK: So, it’s a normal day in the Kemslinger hideout. You’ve just made a reasonably big deal selling off some of your inventory that you cut with cleaning supplies to make sure that it could hit all of your customers. You’re pretty sure you didn’t cut it too much to where people will get sick, but eh, who cares. You’re all standing around in the garage just celebrating your victory and having a good time.

HUDSON (as Albert): Hey Big Joe, why do they call you Big Joe? You’re  not very big at all!

LILIT (as Joe): If you ask me that one more time I will stab  you.

HUDSON (as Albert): If you stab me I’ll just stab you right back, I tell you what!

LILIT (as Joe): You would never catch me. I’m too fast for you, Angry Albert.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Albert): I bet your bottom dollar you ain’t at all!

LILIT (as Joe): I’ll fucking stab you in the bottom.

CAMERON: [snickers]

HUDSON (as Albert): [grits his teeth and makes angry noises]

NICK: There is a very muscly Human with a shaved head and a big purple facial tattoo on half of his face that walks into the room.

NICK (as boss): Angry Albert, you get it together. Stop threatening to stab anybody that’s in our group. There’s not that many of us left.

HUDSON (as Albert): Say that again and I’ll stab you.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait a second, boss. Um… if we cut all the products with the cleaning supply, what are we gonna use to clean?

NICK (as boss): It’s funny to me that you suggest we clean at all. This place hasn’t been cleaned in years.

NICK: Camera sweep to all the dust and dirt and rust all over the place.

NICK (as boss): That was Rockthrower’s job.

LILIT (as Joe): I didn’t ever plan on cleaning, I was just saying like… hypothetically.

NICK (as boss): We’ll go buy more cleaning supplies when we get more product. You know how this works. We’ve done it forever.

HUDSON (as Albert): [fuming] Ugh, the bathroom is just filthy! What if I wanna bring someone back here? You know, like a hot date or something. You know what I mean? I just oughta… [stammers] I’d clean it myself, but I don’t want to. Ugh.

[slow guitar music ends]

LILIT (as Joe): The fast food place down the street has an open bathroom!

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbling] Alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Just use that bathroom.

HUDSON (as Albert): [grumbles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Or just don’t bring dates back here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Well some of them wanna see my badass hangout.

LILIT (as Joe): You’re just trying to give them drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): They’re trying to get drugs for free?

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah!

NICK (as boss): I hate to tell you, Angry Albert, but they’re absolutely trying to get drugs for free.

HUDSON (as Albert): That gal Melinda though.

LILIT (as Joe): And you can’t give them drugs for free, we gotta sell drugs to the community.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): We provide a vital service.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK (as boss): Wait. Shut up. Do you hear that?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Hear what?

NICK (as boss): What’s that noise?

LILIT (as Joe): That was Albert!

HUDSON (as Albert): It was not me.

NICK (as boss): No, not Albert.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, now I think I heard that.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Albert, was that your stomach?! Please say it was.

HUDSON (as Albert): N-No, I haven’t eaten in a while.

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] Leave now~

HUDSON: Tink gets on the mic.

HUDSON (as Tink): [ghostly voice, hums ‘The Longest Time’ tune]

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): [ghostly voice] I shall feast on the souls~

NICK (as boss): Did you… Did you see that? There’s something… There’s something moving somewhere in here. The rest of the guys are in the other area, but I can still see movement.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh wait, I think it’s over there.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?

NICK (as boss): No, it’s behind you.

HUDSON (as Albert): What?! [frantic noises] What, where?! I looked. I don’t see nothing.

[eerie music begins]

NICK: And the lights begin to flicker, and you can see your breath in front of your faces as it gets really cold here in the entryway to the garage.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I promise I paid the electric bill.

NICK (as boss): Yeah, you better have.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I did.

NICK (as boss): I had hoped you hadn’t paid it, because… what else could explain this?!

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t want to be the first one to say it, but I think it’s a ghost.

HUDSON (as Albert): [through gritted teeth] You didn’t wanna be the first one to say it but then you said it.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s a g-g-g-g-ghost!

NICK (as boss): [dismissively] A ghost? Really?

LILIT (as Joe): Well, what else do you think it is, boss?

NICK: We hear a light pattering from the vents, and suddenly Zol, the boss, whips around to see a red dark liquid pouring from one of the vents, and it doesn’t completely cover the wall as if being written on by some sort of ghastly fingers.

LILIT (as Joe): Oh my god! I think it says “lea no.” Oh wait, no, it says “leave now.”

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): “Leave!”

LILIT (as Joe): It says “leave now.”

HUDSON (as Albert): Believe? What are we believing?

LILIT (as Joe): Nah, the blood just hadn’t gotten all the way over to the right hand side yet.

HUDSON (as Albert): Oh… Oh, alright.

LILIT (as Joe): Lea no made no sense, but leave now, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

HUDSON (as Albert): I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): Well I am! I don’t wanna get no stabbed by a ghost.

HUDSON: [hums Ghostbusters stinger]

LILIT: [giggles]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): I don’t think ghosts stab people…

LILIT (as Joe): Well, I don’t know what they do, I don’t want to be around to find out.

HUDSON (as Albert): How could they possibly hold the knife?

LILIT (as Joe): I know they’re incorporeal, but…

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): So poltergeists are different? If it’s a poltergeist it can interact with solids around you.

LILIT (as Joe): Yeah, they like use the power of the Force to lift up the knife and then use it to stab you. … That’s what I would do if I was a ghost.

NICK: A toolbox rattles off of a workbench in the back of the shop with a loud bang.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Ah!

LILIT: Big Joe jumps and points at it.

LILIT (as Joe): See?! This place is fucking haunted! And that ghost is gonna stab us. You know what, if none of you care, I’m gonna call One-Eyed Ted and see what he has to say about this. He’s gonna back me up once he hears about all this.

[eerie music ends]

NICK (as Zol): Make the call.

LILIT: And Big Joe runs over to the telephone that is on the table.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: It’s like an old rotary telephone, too.

LILIT: And dials the number one by one as it is a rotary phone with their little bat fingers.

[laughter]

LILIT: Ring… Ring…

LILIT (as Ted): Yeah?

LILIT (as Joe): One-Eyed Ted, you won’t believe what the fuck is happening down at the garage!

LILIT (as Ted): Ugh. What is happening down at the garage?

LILIT (as Joe): A fucking ghost is haunting the place, and boss and Albert and Rockthrower don’t fucking believe me. But there’s blood on the wall and it says “leave now.” And the lights went out, and shit got moved around, and it’s cold, and not in like a we forgot to pay the electricity bill like that one time and also forgot to threaten the electrician so that they would keep the lights on and stuff. Now it’s all working but it’s cold as Hoth over here.

HUDSON (as Albert): Ted! Ted, do you hear me? You owe me 30 Credits, you motherfucker!

LILIT (as Ted): I definitely do not owe you 30 Credits.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Albert): I can’t hear you, but you better talk about how you’re paying up.

LILIT (as Ted): Big Joe, I can hear Albert, and you gotta tell him that I do not owe him 30 Credits.

HUDSON (as Albert): Turn that rotary phone on speaker, damn it!

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT (as Joe): I’m not turning the phone on speaker! It doesn’t have that setting, remember? We pawned that. One-Eyed Ted says that he doesn’t owe you 30 Credits and that it’s a ghost.

LILIT (as Ted): I did not say it was a ghost, but it probably is a ghost. It does sound like you are indeed in the midst of a haunting from a supernatural entity.

CAMERON: The line goes dead.

LILIT (as Joe): [gasps] Oh my god! The line cut out right as he said it was a ghost!

LILIT: And Big Joe is pointing wildly around.

LILIT (as Joe): Right as he said it was a ghost the line went out. See, it’s a fucking ghost, I’m telling you.

HUDSON (as Albert): No proof that that’s no ghost. I gotta get at least one more sign.

LILIT (as Joe): What else do you think there is? It’s already put blood on the walls and make spooky woohoo noises and threw a box and made it cold in here. What else do you want?

HUDSON (as Albert): Well, if you know anything about ghosts, you’d know that they’re going to have a personalized message to you, something that tugs at the heartstrings but in a spooky way.

LILIT (as Joe): Wait, I thought that was the “leave now” in blood.

HUDSON (as Albert): Nah, not personal enough.

LILIT (as Joe): I don’t know, I feel like the blood is pretty personal seeing how it came from a person.

HUDSON (as Albert): No, no-no-no, you need like a personal artifact. See, this watch was passed down through my families through multiple generations.

LILIT (as Joe): yeah, we’ve all fucking seen your pocket watch.

HUDSON (as Albert): I’m saying, if they were to fuck around with my pocket watch—

HUDSON: I open the pocket watch and I see the message.

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers] My pocket watch, it says “yours forever,” but someone, something… now it says “your soul is mine forever.”

LILIT (as Joe): That’s a ghost! See, it’s that personalized message to indicate that the ghost is directly trying to get us!

HUDSON (as Albert): Ghost watch! Ahh!

HUDSON: And I stomp it on the ground, just crack the watch into a million pieces.

LILIT (as Joe): We got any salt? I think we’re supposed to throw it in a circle or something!

HUDSON (as Albert): No-no, behind your shoulder.

LILIT (as Joe): Ah! Rockthrower, find the salt! You can throw it around better. You’re the best thrower out of all of us.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): On it!

LILIT (as Joe): I love selling drugs, and trafficking people, and doing all sorts of other terrible illegal activities, but not if I’m gonna get stabbed by a ghost!

HUDSON (as Albert): Rockthrower, are you petrified?

CAMERON: Rockthrower runs back into the room holding a canister of the Morton’s sea salt, has the thing open and is just waving it around in the air in circles around her head running around the room.

NICK: It gets in Zol’s eye.

NICK (as Zol): Agh! Watch where you throw that stuff. I’m not the ghost.

LILIT (as Joe): It’s the curse of the ghost!

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): but you’re safe now!

LILIT (as Joe): Look, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not gonna stay here no more.

NICK: So we cut to outside. Xianna and Tink and Karma and HK are back behind the dumpster where they can get a good view of the garage. Karma has run back around and slid back into cover after cutting the phone line. We see Big Joe run out the front door. This small Chadra-Fan with a scary scar over one eye with no weapons, just running with his hands above his head, runs deeper into the Coruscanti night away from the garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got ‘em!

NICK (as HK): I will admit, I am a little surprised that worked on even a single member.

HUDSON (as Tink): Might have to be more convincing for the rest of them.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think if we give it a few more moments the rest of them will also leave.

HUDSON (as Tink): I have my reverend persona ready if they don’t.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can make more spooky ghost sounds. We know some of their names now so we can use that.

CAMERON: From the vents you hear:

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): [stammers, frightened] What is that?

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Albert~

HUDSON (as Albert): Tell me what you waaant!

CAMERON (as Karma): [ghostly voice] Your soul~

HUDSON (as Albert): No! No-no-no! You don’t need that. I need that. You don’t need that at all. I definitely need that! Okay. Okay. Ugh. I don’t know why, Rockthrower, this is your fault.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): [indignant] What?!

HUDSON (as Albert): And I’m getting out of here. It’s your fault! You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): How?!

HUDSON (as Albert): You attract ghosts.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): What?! No I do not.

HUDSON (as Albert): Why are they here then?

NICK: Albert breaks and runs for the front door, and we cut outside to seeing this Human with a bowl cut running the same direction as Big Joe, and he’s yelling “it’s all Rockthrower’s fault!”

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: As he runs deeper into the Coruscant night.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? I told you, it is working. We have to just let it simmer and marinate and have time to develop.

CAMERON: Rockthrower sets the salt container on a table.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Boss, I’m just gonna go catch them… and I’ll bring them back.

NICK (as Zol): You’re coming back, right?

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Oh definitely, yeah. Yeah. I’m just gonna go—I have to go get them.

NICK (as Zol): It would be so embarrassing if my three top lieutenants were to leave because of this ghost situation.

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Of course! Yeah, no, totally not gonna happen, boss. Definitely will be right back. Just as soon as I get Albert and Joe we’ll be right back.

[someone makes ghostly oohing]

CAMERON (as Rockthrower): Yeah… later!

NICK: Zol jumps and looks at the vents where the noise is coming from.

NICK (as Zol): This is getting out of hand.

NICK: And we see Rockthrower kick open the front door and yell “wait for me” and go running off into the night as well.

LILIT: Xianna does a little fist pump into the air.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Ah-ha! I told you. We got three of them to leave. The ghost plan is incredibly effective.

NICK: And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 23 Let’s Get A Caf

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 23:
Let’s Get A Caf

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

The only announcement I have for this week is: I want to say that Keyna, the Fosh jizz singer from last episode, is a patron-created NPC. Agent Sid, thank you for your long-time support of the show and for making such a fun character for us to play with. We will be seeing Keyna again soon, and we’re all very excited.

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 23! Really moving right along at a fancy clip at this point. Thanks for sticking with us. I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hello. I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello, I am Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello~ My name is Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Before we get started with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One light side.

NICK: Nice. So it’s three light side, one dark side?

CAMERON: Yep.

NICK: Perfect. When we last left off, you were all sitting on a curb eating pizza cones having figured out where the gang, the Kemslingers, are located. But that was last night. This morning the sun is rising over a smoggy Coruscant. Karma, you’ve gotten up especially early for your meeting with Keer who you haven’t seen since you were 16. What does your morning routine look like, and has anything changed on account of this meetup?

[peaceful morning music begins]

CAMERON: I think the only real thing that’s changed is that Karma doesn’t arm herself quite so heavily as she normally would. But, she gets up… I feel like Karma’s the type of person to do some stretches right when she’s waking up, kinda get limber for the day. Take a shower. Brush her head tails?

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: Get dressed, just her standard every-day armor, and then probably just does all of the smaller weapons and doesn’t take the carbine and the sword.

NICK: Okay, so you have between three and seven pistols currently.

CAMERON: Yeah.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: And then dramatically ties the headband on and is ready to go out into the world.

[peaceful music ends]

NICK: Awesome. Xianna, you had a long night including a speed-run through several bars collecting data. What does your early morning look like?

LILIT: At the moment Xianna is nowhere to be found on the ship, just silent, like a ghost. Not like the ghost in Sabos’s room though, that ghost is quite loud. Xianna is not missing, just nowhere to be seen.

[peaceful music returns]

NICK: So we see a shot of Xianna’s room. The bed is unmade, but it’s quiet. There’s no one there. Tink, it’s bright and early, and the crew has no definite plans until at least this afternoon when you plan to attack the hideout of the Kemslingers. What are you up to?

HUDSON: In the morning, and my alarm goes off, it’s the sound of a rooster that then breaks down into a guitar solo.

[peaceful music is interrupted by rooster crowing and replaced by rock music]

As that happens, automatically the lights in the room slowly come on like a sunrise.

[peaceful morning music returns]

I get up and I stretch my arms and I yawn, and I walk over to go get some… water for breakfast.

NICK: As you leave your quarters you run into Karma who is on her way out of the ship. The landing ramp has just been lowered.

[peaceful music ends]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, it’s your special day~ … -te.

CAMERON (as Karma): No… No.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s not a special daaate?

CAMERON (as Karma): No. We discussed this last night, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): You can’t tell love when to find you. It’ll just find you.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like I can tell love not to find me, though, in particular instances.

HUDSON (as Tink): Love is a sneaky mistress.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Good luck with your… meeting.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you… Have a good morning.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thanks.

NICK: We see Karma walk down the landing ramp and the ship closes, and Tink, you have the ship to yourself. We cut ahead to Karma approaching the coffee shop. The sun has brightened, but it still struggles to pierce the smog. You’re on a high enough city level where you can see the open sky and are near to an air cleaning tower which causes the nearby area to be more humid than normal for Coruscant. You can see why Keer likes this place. What do you think the coffee shop looks like? Is it large, busy, tucked out of the way?

CAMERON: Probably if it is a chain it’s like a small local family… like it may have multiple locations, but isn’t like a big corporate chain stretching over the galaxy. I think their goal with this coffee shop was just to make it as cozy and comfortable as possible so that you just never leave and just keep drinking coffee for forever. So lots of squishy booths, really comfy-looking chairs with really fancy big backs, probably some swing chairs on the patio.

NICK: You enter the coffee shop and the door rings a cheerful bell. There aren’t very many people here. This place has only been open for a little while. Behind the counter you can see several espresso machines and caf makers, and there’s two Devaronians, a man and a woman, making coffee and in between them making the more fancy lattes and things is a Herglic who takes up a large amount of the real estate. The Herglic waves you in and gives the general gesture for “take a seat wherever you like.”

CAMERON: Karma goes to probably a table that is one of the booths and sits on the side where she is facing the door. It’s probably towards the back of the restaurant.

NICK: Okay. The Herglic walks over and says:

NICK (as Herglic): Normally you would have to order up at the counter, but you’re the only one here right now, so… what can I get you?

CAMERON (as Karma): Could I just have a plain cup of caf, please?

NICK (as Herglic): Yep, absolutely.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thanks.

NICK: So we get a scene of Karma sitting there at this table. She gets her coffee, and it’s quiet, and some people come and go. It’s got that nice comfortable coffee shop murmur. What is Karma thinking about right now? How does she look?

CAMERON: So, probably to anyone who doesn’t know her, probably just looks bored and like she’s waiting for someone. People who know Karma will recognize the small alterations in her gestures and behavior that means that she is stressed, but it’s in a calm way. We’re not panicking, but there’s a lot going on in her head. She’s sitting there, got the caf on one side, sipping it occasionally, has her data pad out, swiping through family photos, and then will occasionally set the tablet down and just hold both hands around the caf mug. Just kind of alternating between those three activities.

NICK: You’re looking through the tablet when the door jingles. I think every time the door opens you look up kind of nervously. And in comes Keer. He looks very familiar. He looks different than he did last night, more formal. He’s wearing his uniform, his head tentacles are tied back, and he smiles brightly at you as he walks over and he slides in.

NICK (as Keer): So, what are you drinking?

CAMERON (as Karma): Caf? Just caf.

NICK (as Keer): Just plain caf.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Okay. I think I’ll have one of the same.

NICK: And he gets up and heads to the counter to order. We’re gonna jump back to the ship. Tink, what are you up to on the Afternoon Delight? Xianna is nowhere to be found. Karma is off on a special meeting. You have the ship pretty much to yourself except for HK, and he mostly leaves you alone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wow, I have the ship to myself…

HUDSON: I rip out a fart.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: [makes a long fart sound]

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah… that was good. Alright, what do I do now? Oh, it’s Monday!

HUDSON: Tink walks over to a TV screen in his room and he lays out his mat and he sits crisscross and hits the remote to turn on the TV. It’s his weekly yoga session. He does it to keep his pelvic floor firm and strong.

CAMERON: [snickers]

[meditation music begins]

NICK (as TV): Hello, and welcome to Galactic Yoga with Pearl Sinestra.

NICK: We see a very long and lanky alien with multiple arms that you haven’t seen anything like it except for this particular program, and her arms are waving like kelp frons in the ocean.

NICK (as Pearl): Are you ready to strengthen your internal muscles and your spirit?

NICK: There’s a long pause while she waits for the audience that she can’t hear, because she’s on TV, to respond.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes… I am.

HUDSON: I take a deep breath.

HUDSON (as Tink): [big raspy inhale]

NICK (as Pearl): That’s great. We’re going to start with one-handed handstands. Please prepare, and make sure you have a crash mat nearby in case you lose consciousness.

NICK: And the music starts to pick up, and we’re gonna cut away from Extreme Spiritual Yoga to Karma again at the coffee shop.

[meditation music ends]

Keer is stirring his coffee and fidgeting. You all have been making small talk for a few minutes.

NICK (as Keer): So… how’s life? We haven’t seen each other in so long. I was hoping to catch up a little. What have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, so… like I said last night, I’m a bounty hunter, so doing a lot of bounty hunting. I got a crew that I’ve been traveling with for a while now.

NICK (as Keer): Hunting bounties?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, in our free time, yeah.

NICK (as Keer): So what has the crew been working on? Are you in shipping? Are you in transportation?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… let’s say treasure hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, that’s interesting.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s probably the best descriptor I’m gonna be able to come up with. Treasure hunting with a side of bounty hunting if they happen to be near treasure.

NICK (as Keer): Soldier of fortune type. That’s pretty cool. That’s extremely cool.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. It’s been fun. It’s interesting. It keeps me on my toes.

NICK (as Keer): So how long have you been doing this? Last I saw you, you were working at security.

CAMERON (as Karma): This meaning bounty hunting or this meaning the treasure hunting, bounty hunting combo?

NICK (as Keer): Both really. I’m just interested to hear what’s happened since we parted ways.

CAMERON (as Karma): So the treasure hunting slash bounty hunting combo… about a year?

NICK (as Keer): Sounds like a pretty long employment, but when did you start bounty hunting in general?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… so I started apprenticing about 10-11 months after the last time I saw you, I guess. A year-ish. So, started my apprenticeship when I was 17? So a good long while, on the bounty hunting front.

NICK (as Keer): Seems… a little hypocritical of me, I guess, to say that that’s a dangerous job considering I’m in security for the senator. Ugh, whoops, “former” senator. The Senate’s not really a thing anymore, but they don’t like me to call them anything else. They’re still important, you know, since the Senate’s been abolished.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): But seems like a dangerous thing that you’re doing. What made you decide to become a bounty hunter? You had your whole career in front of you. You could have done anything. What put you down that path?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so during my security internship I realized that I was good with a lot of the more weaponry and physical combat areas of the security job, so bounty hunting uses a lot of those same skillsets. I don’t know, it seemed a lot more flexible and freeing and independent, I guess. I felt like I had a lot more control. I could accept the jobs that I wanted. I could decide not to take a job for a while. If I had gone into security that’s not really an option of just “I don’t feel like protecting someone today,” so I needed that flexibility and the freedom there.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that makes sense. You’re pretty independent. That became pretty clear when you never talked to me again.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, that summer kind of ended with you saying “hey, it’s been great, you’re cool… hopefully we can stay friends,” which kind of felt like a dismissal, so I kinda just went with it.

NICK (as Keer): I don’t rem—Ugh, maybe I did say something like that. Look, you were smart, you’re still smart, and capable, and impressive. You’re out flying a ship with these terrifyingly competent mercenaries. I didn’t think you wanted to have anything to do with me, so I just gave you an out.

CAMERON (as Karma): It felt very much like a shove out, so…

NICK: We see Keer stirring his coffee faster. He’s only really had one sip of coffee, but he’s still jittery. It looks like he had coffee before he ever even got here. He takes a deep sip to buy himself some time, and we cut back to Tink, the terrifyingly competent mercenary. What ridiculous pose is he in for his internally spiritual yoga?

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel.

NICK: What does that look like? [laughs]

[meditation music returns]

HUDSON: The Endorian Pretzel is when you have one leg behind your head, dealer’s choice, and you’re trying to rotate slowly while humming to yourself with one hand. You have one leg behind your head for a challenge, the other leg is out for balance, and you’re on one hand spinning onto yourself while humming to yourself.

NICK: The yogi that’s on screen with her multiple arms and willowy frame makes it look really easy. Tink, you have, what, 5 points in Melee?

HUDSON: Yeah!

NICK: So you’re really strong and coordinated, so you’re able to do it, but it looks much more like a feat of athleticism from you, because it is. HK hits a button without announcing himself and your door slides open to show you in this pose.

[meditation music ends]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, who has done this to you? You appear to be in distress.

HUDSON (as Tink): No HK, this is just yoga. It’s supposed to be relaxing.

NICK (as HK): Yoga is a fearsome foe. Where are they? I will strike them down.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, it’s a type of movement. It’s a type of sensual being with one’s self.

NICK: On that note we cut back to Karma. You two have been sitting there in awkward silence, and Keer says:

NICK (as Keer): Okay, so that’s on me, but you could have reached out if you wanted to keep in touch. I gotta say, I’m disappointed.

CAMERON (as Karma): So can we just agree that sometimes teenagers make stupid decisions?

NICK (as Keer): [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): In retrospect.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): And maybe don’t think things through entirely.

NICK (as Keer): I know I wasn’t thinking a lot of things through, but… after I saw you last night I just couldn’t help but think what if we had stayed in touch. You ever think about that?

CAMERON (as Karma): Life would have been very different.

NICK: Karma is looking into the distance and Keer kind of latches onto that.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, so you know, I worked for Luck for a really long time before she retired. She didn’t talk about it very much, because you know her, her professional life was very separated from her personal life.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): She has grandkids.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes she does.

NICK (as Keer): And I know they’re not just Kismet’s, because I’ve met her. Your… husband must be very lucky.

CAMERON (as Karma): No husband, actually.

NICK (as Keer): Oh… Oh, okay. Cool. Uh… how are your kids? How old are they?

CAMERON (as Karma): Twenty-two.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two… No, that can’t—That can’t be right. That would put you as having had them when you were like 16.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yup. That would be accurate. So, good job, math. Yes. Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Keer): Like around the time that we were together.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, after that.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Uh… I guess I’m surprised to hear that you found somebody so soon after we were together. I mean, I know it was kinda like an internship fling, but… it felt special at the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I never said I found someone else after that…

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight to HK and Tink both in ridiculous poses in front of the TV.

[meditation music returns]

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I do not understand the benefit of these positions. They are straining my joints.

HUDSON (as Tink): If you had blood you’d understand that blood flow has a lot to do with health.

NICK (as HK): Tink, we both know that I have been trying very hard to collect blood for myself, and I don’t appreciate you rubbing it in.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know that’s a sensitive subject. I’m just saying, you wouldn’t understand, and I think we’re going into the downturn of this session. I think it’s about over.

NICK: HK is balanced on one hand and one foot and slowly shifts and then falls with a clank, and then stands up very quickly. Kind of like a cat pretending that nothing bad just happened.

NICK (as HK): I do not understand this yoga.

LILIT: Outside the door in the hallway you hear a:

LILIT (as Xianna): Well of course, HK, you can’t do the yoga. You do not have muscles and regular joints and stuff. It does not work for you.

LILIT: And the camera pans out into the hallway, into the lounge area, focuses onto the hot tub with its cover, and it zooms in through the cover of the hot tub, and we see Xianna is sleeping in a very large inner tube that is almost as big as the hot tub.

[bubbling sounds begin]

The hot tub is running. She has the same shudder shades and beaded necklaces as last night. She now has a Bride to Be sash as while there are some remnants of the pizza cone on the coat that somehow have not washed off into the hot tub. Creamsicle is resting on top of Xianna’s head, every so often scampering down, picking up some crumbs of the pizza cone and running back to nibble on them.

[bubbling sounds end]

NICK: [laughs] HK runs out of Tink’s quarters and to the hot tub and speaks through the lid that is closed.

NICK (as HK): Secondary user Xianna, you appear to be trapped within. Do you need assistance?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I do not think I need assistance. I did this to myself. I can get myself out of it.

NICK (as HK): Okay.

NICK: And HK walks away and seems to move towards a corner for some sort of charging, or maybe he’s just staring at a wall. It’s hard to tell.

HUDSON: Tink walks out of the room.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, what are you—Oh! Okay Xianna, I’m not saying this is you, but I just stepped in someone’s pile of vomit that’s right by the hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, we both know that I do not throw up like that. I have been in here the whole time. I am so pruney. I am just wrinkles from head to toe. It is unbelievable how pruney I am, because I have been in here so long. That is your vomit.

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): I don’t think it’s mine either. Who was—HK?

NICK (as HK): Sarcastic Agreement: Yes. I, the droid, threw up organically, like you weak organics.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK… HK… You must do something for me. You must go onto the ship’s security cameras and play back the footage from last night and see who did the throw up.

NICK (as HK): This seems like an extremely valid use of my time. I will return and report momentarily.

NICK: And HK stalks out of the room.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, HK~

NICK: He is clearly stomping and gives a dismissive wave without looking behind him, which you can’t see because you are locked in a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, I cannot see HK, but was he giving me a look? It just sounded like he was giving me a look.

HUDSON (as Tink): He gave quite a look, yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Thank you.

NICK: So we cut back to Karma and Keer at the coffee shop, and the coffee has stopped steaming and has been shoved away from Keer, and he’s staring at Karma.

NICK (as Keer): I feel like we’ve been talking around this, and… I would really like to hear you explain what you mean.

CAMERON (as Karma): So, I have twin sons who are 22, and you were the only one that I dated that year.

NICK (as Keer): [deep breath]

CAMERON (as Karma): Remember what I said about teenagers being stupid and making choices?

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. I don’t think you get to necessarily blame teenagers when it’s been, uh, 22 years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no, I’m 100% blaming 16 year old me.

NICK (as Keer): For what?

CAMERON (as Karma): For making the decision that then just continued to get hard and harder and just progressively more difficult to reverse as time went by.

NICK (as Keer): I’m just gonna come out and say it. So the decision was that we—you had kids, I’m the father, and you decided to never tell me?

CAMERON (as Karma): Well, so 16 year old me mostly decided just to never see you again so it would never come up.

NICK (as Keer): But then we saw each other.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, and it’s coming up.

NICK (as Keer): [laughs uneasily] Phew… this is a lot to take in. Can I see what they look like…? Do you have a picture?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

CAMERON: Karma lifts up the data pad that was sitting right next to her, presses the button to turn it back on, and it’s on a photo of Karma, Jet and Juke at the most recent Life Day celebration at the Nailo household, and turns it around and slides it across the table towards him.

NICK (as Keer): Oh wow, they’re fully grown. They’re adults. He looks just like you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, we get that a lot. The other one looks just like you.

NICK (as Keer): You think so?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah…

NICK (as Keer): This is a lot to take in. So, did you start bounty hunting to provide for these kids?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): And, and… they’re okay? Things are okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh yeah, they’re super. They’re both bounty hunters now. It’s kind of a family thing at this point. But yeah, they’re fantastic kids. So, the one on the left is Jet and the one on the right is Juke.

NICK: How is Karma feeling right now?

CAMERON: So this is a conversation that Karma’s known that she needed to have for like 21 years at this point, but it never happened, obviously, before this. But she has been through every possible scenario for how this conversation plays out in her head, probably multiple times at this point.

If we’re going through the flowchart of how the conversation’s going we are currently on the more positive-trending side of the chart, so not as concerned as she could be with how he’s taking it. He seems… He’s taking it at least at a level pace. So, happy about that but also very much hating that this conversation is happening right now.

NICK: And we cut back to the Afternoon Delight. HK is standing in front of the security feed. Tink, did you go with him or are you still by the hot tub?

HUDSON: I don’t think I went with him. I’m still by the hot tub.

NICK: Okay. He’s standing in front of the small booth where all the security feeds run, and we see the crew of the Afternoon Delight come home after their adventure, and see Xianna step back out of her quarters, still dressed for partying, and leave the ship again without anyone noticing. HK fast-forwards some more until the landing ramp goes down and then presses a button and ejects a holo cube. He says…

NICK (as HK): I think I have discovered what happened.

NICK: …and walks back to the hot tub room and slots the holo cube into a projector which starts to fill the room with what happened when Xianna returned.

LILIT: On this grainy footage we see Xianna stumble in. Xianna now has a gigantic veil, just this huge poofy white and gold veil and a big sash that says Bride to Be, and is stumbling in. Does the video have sound or not?

NICK: Yeah, I think so.

LILIT: And she shouts, off-camera:

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie everybody~! It is party time!

[rave music begins]

LILIT: And she claps, and a disco ball comes down from the ceiling, and neon lights start flashing, and the sound system turns on to just a banger of a dance number, and a stream of people come pouring into this room. At least a dozen other people all wearing bridesmaid sashes. There’s somehow three maids of honor and two best men.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: There’s a whole bunch of other people that do not have sashes either, just at least three dozen people are now crammed in this room partying. One of them is dressed as a clown for some reason, and they are having a grand old time. Somebody brings in a keg, and this continues for quite some time. The tape fast-forwards through just this generic partying until it begins to wind down a little bit, and people are kind of one-by-one leaving the party.

At some point the hot tub had been opened up and people were splashing around in the hot tub, having a great time in there. Someone introduces a pool floaty and inflates it up and throws it into the hot tub. Creamsicle is riding it around for a while as it jostles in the jets of the tub, and as there’s only a few people left Xianna gets into the tub, gets into the ring, picks up Creamsicle and sets her on top of herself, and apparently falls asleep since she kind of stops moving and just slowly spins in a circle as the jets push the tube.

The person dressed as a clown comes over to the hot tub and just throws up all over the floor, into the shag carpeting, everything. Takes a few steps back, looks at it, looks around the room and sees that nobody else was looking, and just leaves. The last people to leave press a button on the wall that turns off the light, retracts the disco ball, shuts off the sound system, and raises the cover back over the Jacuzzi.

[rave music ends]

NICK: Then we see fast-forward of the dark room for quite a while and then we see HK run into the room and we are pretty much caught up back to the present as HK turns the projector off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. HK, Tink, there was a clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, I recognize that clown. It’s one of the more popular clowns in this part of the galaxy. It’s Pinkie.

LILIT (as Xianna): What do you mean? Pinkie the clown? I don’t remember that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Somehow you got a top-tier clown artist.

LILIT (as Xianna): Are you sure that was the right clown?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah. They also double as a magician. They’re Pankie the magician. It’s weird.

[a cat meows loudly]

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. They have a different stage name from when they are a clown and when they are a magician?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I mean, it’s two different personas. You would want different names, wouldn’t you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait-wait-wait, so it is not the same stage show? It is two different performances on two different nights? Or do you mean it’s like an afternoon matinee performance and then an evening performance?

HUDSON (as Tink): It depends on the gig. I mean, you got him in here. Maybe you have connections now. Look at your phone. Do you have Pinkie in your phone?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have my coms with me.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, we cannot continue this conversation with the lid of a hot tub.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t see why not. It is perfectly fine. It is dark and warm in here. It is very comforting. But if you insist, you may release me from the hot tub.

NICK: HK presses a button and the hot tub lid slides back revealing Xianna and Creamsicle.

LILIT: A just massive puff of steam releases when the cover is opened up and you can see that the jets have been on this whole time. Creamsicle is entirely wet, just fur slicked down with water.

LILIT (as Xianna): [weakly] Okay… I should maybe get out of the hot tub.

NICK: [smiling] And we jump back to the coffee shop.

NICK (as Keer): So I’m a dad, I guess, right?

CAMERON: Karma’s just kind of like doing shallow nods, kinda just constantly.

NICK (as Keer): You understand this is a lot to take in… You kinda made my decision for me on if I was gonna be around. You know I would have helped. Like, whatever happened between us that’s something I would have done.

CAMERON (as Karma): So me, adult me, now, yes? But let me walk you through 16 year old Karma’s reasoning here.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, that sounds good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That now I’ve been dealing with. So, my internship ended. The last conversation we had seemed very much like a dismissal and a termination of that relationship.

So several months later when I found out that I was pregnant, didn’t reach out at that point probably mostly due to hurt, I think? It transformed probably within those first few weeks after I found out to not wanting to tell you as, I don’t know, some sort of retribution for you hurting my feelings by seemingly just breaking up with me and saying goodbye, and that “hey, it’s been fun,” and just making me not feel… relationship worthy? Worthy of an internship fling, but nothing of a continuation past that point. Not worth keeping up long-distance.

Then, from there, morphed into a determination that I didn’t need help and I could do it myself. I think that was mostly in response to the hurt feelings, me deciding that I could have this kid—and then it turned into kids—on my own, and I didn’t need you to be successful there? And then it kind of stayed in that determined independence phase for a good long while.

NICK (as Keer): Twenty-two years.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well no, not that whole time. I’d say we were probably in that phase of thinking for three years or so, so until they were about two and a half.

So I had started bounty hunting, was still very much set on the being able to do everything myself, which wasn’t true. I had fantastic family support, and my dad and Kismet watched the boys whenever I’d go out on a job, so I wasn’t quite as there as I thought I was. But after that point, started to realize that I probably should tell you. Kept putting it off, because… how do you start this conversation?

By the time I decided that I needed to tell you the twins were like four or five and at that point I’d been keeping the secret for that long, so then just kept putting it off, and then at that point it was like well, they’ve grown up… [chuckles] It was just always easier to just avoid this situation.

NICK (as Keer): What if I hadn’t asked you to get coffee? Would you not have told me?

CAMERON (as Karma): I would have.

NICK (as Keer): I guess that’s reassuring.

CAMERON (as Karma): The thing that was really allowing my continuation of avoidance behavior is that I hadn’t seen you.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So I could excuse it away, that the opportunity just hadn’t come up.

NICK (as Keer): And we just happened to run into each other. That’s… well. [exhales] Do they know about me?

CAMERON (as Karma): They know that their father was someone who I saw during my internship.

NICK (as Keer): Hmm. Can I meet them…?

CAMERON (as Karma): I think that’s a conversation I have to have with them first.

NICK (as Keer): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re adults, they can make their own decisions, but I need them to have the information to be able to make those decisions with the full knowledge of everything.

NICK (as Keer): Well, you have my com number now. I gave it to you yesterday. I hope you’ll pass it along to them, and I hope they want to reach out. I would really like to meet them.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I don’t know when the next time I’ll see them is, but… when I do I will talk to them.

NICK (as Keer): You’re not gonna wait 22 years?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, waiting until they are 44 seems nice. Good round number.

NICK (as Keer): Karma. Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm?

NICK (as Keer): No.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m obviously joking.

NICK (as Keer): I know, it’s just… this is a lot, okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): I know. I’m trying to lighten the mood.

NICK (as Keer): It kind of worked. This is… you know, even with all this, it has been really good to see you, but I gotta go. If you’re still in town in a few days maybe give me a call. I’m gonna get out of here.

NICK: He tosses some credits on the table and stands to leave.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: The next thing that we see is Karma boarding the ship. What scene does she see as she comes into the main part of the ship? What are Xianna and Tink and HK doing? [chuckles]

HUDSON: I’m a little bit peeved and making a lot of really wide-ranging gestures at Xianna for throwing a party on our ship while I was sleeping and causing a mess in the shag carpeting.

LILIT: Xianna is currently in the large stand-in hair dryer drying off since she had spent an entire evening in a hot tub and is holding Creamsicle in the bust of her jacket with her hands earmuffed over Creamsicle’s ears so it’s not too loud, and you can just hear over the roar of the dryer Xianna screaming.

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear you, Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t you act like you can’t hear me!

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t hear what you are saying at all! The hair dryer, it is too loud! I have to stay in here until I get not pruney! I can’t hear you!

HUDSON (as Tink): Nothing but excuses from you. Ugh!

LILIT (as Xianna): It’s not my fault! I have no idea what you are saying, but if you are mad at me about the throw up, remember that I didn’t do it, the clown did!

NICK: Xianna, your lekku are blowing in the dryer up above your head and HK is standing near the onramp as Karma walks in.

NICK (as HK): Karma, I am glad to see you. There has been an incident on the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what incident?

HUDSON (as Tink): Don’t step in it. That incident.

CAMERON (as Karma): What?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s a pile of vomit over here from an unauthorized, unofficial bachelorette—I don’t know, some type of wedding-related party that came onto our ship that Xianna proctored.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think HK should be the one who cleans it up, because if you think about it he let me have the party by not keeping tabs on everybody!

HUDSON (as Tink): What?

LILIT (as Xianna): He should have been out on patrol!

NICK: HK makes a frustrated and confused gesture between Xianna and karma and Tink and then throws his hands up and stalks out of the room again.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or you can go find the clown! If you find the clown you can make him clean it up!

NICK: On the way out, HK punches the button that turns off the dryer and it sinks back into the floor.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait! I am still inside the dryer! [becoming muffled] Do not put me up again, that has already happened!

[laughter]

NICK: Does anyone release Xianna?

HUDSON: I go over and release Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you, Tink. We would have been trapped in there for a while. So anyways, um… somebody will clean that up. Karma, how did your date with your baby daddy go?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, how’d your date go?

CAMERON (as Karma): It was about as awkward as one might imagine.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am assuming he did not know.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Just based on everything.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, big oof.

CAMERON (as Karma): Indeed, big oof.

LILIT (as Xianna): Biggest of oofs. But I mean, it went well. Nobody got stabbed, right? Or did you stab?

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re not bleeding.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is true. No one got stabbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): Good. Good.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s a very positive way to think about it. I’m going to think about it like that now.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Any important conversation you have with another person where nobody gets stabbed is good, or even an attempted stabbing. I’m not saying that I have attempted to stab people during conversations, just… it happens, you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): So uh, it’s kind of a shot in the dark here, but uh… did he understand why you waited so many years to tell him?

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckling] Obviously not.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. It was just a slight hope there, not a big chance but I had to ask.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah… no, I mean, I explained the stupid decisions that stupid teenagers are prone to make, and then how fixing those decisions just becomes more and more awkward as more time passes… and just not fixing it is the much simpler solution.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah yes, life lessons for all.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know if that is the correct life lesson, because that is what I would have said.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I feel like I should not be giving the life lessons.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, would  not recommend.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because I am currently doing that to like at least three people, so… I feel like everybody else should know better.

CAMERON (as Karma): People who don’t know that you have kids with them?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no, I have no kids with nobody.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): And nobody has kids with me. Just, I mean like, having important conversations I should be having with people, telling them important things, but just not. Just not ever calling them.

HUDSON (as Tink): Like your tax attorney.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t have a tax attorney.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not anymore. You stopped calling them.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): And technically she’s dead, so…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I am technically dead and I have never paid taxes.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why would I have a tax attorney?

HUDSON (as Tink): Good point. Good point. Well, I’m glad that you’re alive, neutral to sad that it didn’t go as great as it could have, but I’m happy that you’re okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I honestly do think it went about as well as it could have.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright! Celebration popsicles then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. First we will have the popsicles, and then after that we go kill the Kemslingers, okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah, them.

CAMERON (as Karma): That will take off some tension. That will make me feel better.

NICK: [laughs] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

PDF download: S2 Episode 22 And All That Jizz

Read in browser:

Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 22:
And All That Jizz

Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)

## Intro

NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

I want to start off by thanking Stealth Suit Stanley for your review. Thank you for the kind words. It is really good to hear when people enjoy the show.

We also have a new patron to thank. Donald A. Fowler, thank you so much for supporting the show. If you could help us out with something, Falx seems to have wandered off and we get worried when we don’t know what he’s up to. Please track him down for us. I’ll give you some advice. If you sing “dun da-na-na na,” he absolutely can’t resist finishing with “dun-dun!”

Music credit and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

So now, let’s get into the episode.

##

NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 22. A beautiful night in the Star Wars universe. Welcome to… this adventure. Hello. … We’re all fine here. How are you?

HUDSON: … Who are you talking to?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: The audience.

HUDSON: Oh.

CAMERON: Okay, cool.

NICK: Uh, anyway…

LILIT: He’s talking to the cats.

CAMERON: Are you waiting for them to answer?

NICK: Yeah, like… [stammers] Can you point to the map on where the next adventure is?

CAMERON: [laughing] I was about to say, it’s like Dora the Explorer. “Can you say map?”

NICK: [grinning] I’m your host and game master, Nick!

CAMERON: Good job!

NICK: Thank you.

[laughter]

NICK: Let’s go around the table. Everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I am playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Lilit.

LILIT: [higher pitched] Hi, I’m Fry, and I’m gonna try and eat all the equipment on the sound board.

[laughter]

LILIT: Chew on the little knobs and bat the dice around and get them under the doors and into the vents. You’ll never see them again~

NICK: Fry, put Lilit back on the microphone.

LILIT: Hi, I’m Lilit, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Great. Thank you Lilit for setting Fry back on the ground. That had me nervous for a second.

LILIT: Yeah, you know, he was so high up in the air and he’s wiggly. He can really get away from you pretty fast.

NICK: Yeah. [laughs] Aiming for those knobs.

LILIT: But it was a very smooth transition there.

NICK: Mm-hmm! Last but not least we have Hudson.

HUDSON: [doing the voice] Ha-ho! I’m Mickey Mouse! [mumbles] . Ha-ho!

[laughter]

HUDSON: I am Hudson, and I am playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Great. So, before we start with the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~

CAMERON: Two light side!

HUDSON: Two light side!

CAMERON: [gasps]

LILIT: One dark side.

NICK: That was pretty good. When we last left off you all got pizza, Xianna and Nolaa made out in a bathroom, you learned where a piece of the Shattered Force was—the Space Breaker, and you found out that it was being held by a Fosh that is a jizz singer named Keyna and were given the address of the Blue Bantha jizz club. Small side note, jizz is jazz in Star Wars. Just reminding everyone, when I say jizz think the word jazz and nothing else.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do wish that this was a visual medium so that I could put a little jizz counter in the bottom of a corner and it could ring up every time we say jizz in this episode!

CAMERON: If you’re hanging out in the new episode chat on our Discord right now, please tell us how many times jizz is said in this episode. [laughs]

NICK: That’s very good.

[laughter]

HUDSON: Nick, when is HK gonna do a solo of the famous Chicago song ‘And All That Jizz’?

NICK: HK already did. It actually happened before we started recording.

CAMERON: Oh no…

HUDSON: Oh…

NICK: So it’s one of the lost files, unfortunately.

LILIT: We weren’t invited to that. We’re not cool enough.

CAMERON: [laughing] It was just Nick sitting in a room by himself singing in the HK voice.

NICK: With the vocoder on. So, with that wonderful image, let’s get into it.

The Blue Bantha jizz club – it’s cutting-edge, fashionable, and nostalgic all at the same time. We open on the crew of the Afternoon Delight as they stand in the entrance to the club. The light is low and blue. There is a bar on each side of the room which seats over 50 beings but still gives the impression of being close and homey.

Everybody tell me one thing about the Blue Bantha that sets it apart.

[smooth electronic jazz begins]

CAMERON: In the entryway to the club there is a rather large fountain that has a bantha as the statue in the center of it, and it’s doing the typical cherub pose where the water is coming out of the hands of the bantha. That’s not how banthas stand, but that’s how this one stands. And it is of course in blue marble.

NICK: The interesting thing is it looks like a cheap statue, like this was installed over a previous sculpture at some point in the recent past. The marble doesn’t really match, which gives less of an elegant look than maybe the designer was going for. That’s great. What else?

HUDSON: There are cage dancers, but they are antigravity cages that kinda float around and twist and turn.

NICK: Cool. Yeah, there’s some Twi’leks and some Humans and—

HUDSON: Herglics.

CAMERON: [pleased] Herglics.

NICK: Yeah, and a couple of Herglics in cages, and they’re dancing to the music that’s playing from a location that you can’t quite see, and it very much adds to the décor.

LILIT: There is a second-story floor that has little semi-private booths, and they have very intricate beaded curtains covering them as sort of a little privacy net.

NICK: Oh, that’s very cool. You can see that there are waiters coming in and out of those private booths with very expensive-looking cocktails serving the more VIP clientele. The spiral staircase in the corner that leads up to that floor has a large bouncer standing in front of it. You would assume that getting up there would be a little difficult but worth it, because the view is impeccable.

[music changes to more energetic party jazz]

As you stand, taking this scene in and looking around for a seat, a spotlight pops up and you notice a small stage against the back of the club. Standing on the stage is a Bith playing a kloo horn. The spotlight splits and you see another Bith on a piano as they begin to dance their fingers along glowing keys. Soon the stage is illuminated to show a full band with drums and a jizz box. The song is frantic, dark and energetic like a fresh cup of caf. The announcer’s voice floats over the music.

NICK (as announcer): Please welcome to our stage, the one, the only, Keyna~!

NICK: You see a Fosh, which is basically like a bird person, with black feathers and dark green accent feathers. Her red eyes set off the sequence on her small stylish hat, and her red-fringed flapper dress sways as she walks to the microphone. Her voice quiets the room: smooth, low and sultry as she sings. Her song is about the need to cut loose, drink, and enjoy yourself, and you can see the business at the bar picks up.

CAMERON: So we knew we were coming to a club. Did we dress to come to a club or are we in our standard outfits?

NICK: You see a mixture of people wearing evening wear and people wearing more practical clothes in the Star Wars universe, so you could get away with either. What do you think? Did y’all change?

HUDSON: I have a top hat.

LILIT: [smiling] A top hat? Okay.

NICK: Nice. Got that out of the ship.

HUDSON: The costume closet.

CAMERON: I think karma changed and has removed a good portion of her arsenal.

NICK: Okay, so you have like a thigh holster with a blaster in it or something?

CAMERON: I have a vibro-knife and a hold out blaster.

NICK: Cool. So what are you wearing?

CAMERON: I have to match Tink’s top hat, so… like a black but with a gold glitter to it sheath dress that has a looser fitting cowl at the top across the chest and has quite a flowy skirt so you can’t tell that she has guns attached to her leg, but is still wearing her normal boots.

NICK: What about Xianna?

LILIT: Xianna would keep her main outfit, however she would switch out the normal black fabric belt on the trench coat for a more decorative gold filigree belt.

NICK: Ooh.

[music fades]

LILIT: Then she also has a Twi’lek headdress that is black with some similar gold embroidery that matches the belt.

NICK: Okay, so you’ve still got the trench coat, you’ve just accented it in a more formal fashion.

LILIT: It is hard to get Xianna out of the trench coat. Eh? But there’s also a wink attached to that.

[laughter]

LILIT: Asterisk, it is hard to get Xianna to wear something other than the trench coat is maybe a more accurate statement. Probably keeping the boots, because the boots are a nice black wedged heel with some rainbow oil snakeskin detailing at the top, so they’re already kind of nice.

NICK: Yeah. So, as this song continues, do you head to the bar, do you split up, do you go to try and grab a table? What is the objective here? The person that you came to see is singing on stage, so you’re not gonna necessarily be able to interrupt that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s find a table.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [stilted] We look for an empty table.

NICK: Yeah. As Tink says “let’s find a table,” you can see that there’s a couple of those chest-high tables without chairs around it where you can set cocktail drinks down. It’s mostly standing room in this club except for the VIP booths up top, but there is empty space both at the bar and at one of those little tables where you could get drinks and enjoy the concert if that’s what you wanna do.

HUDSON (as Tink): Waiter! Waiter? Could I get a Shirley Temple, please?

NICK (as waiter): Absolutely.

NICK: The waiter looks around to see if Karma and Xianna want something as well.

CAMERON (as Karma): Diet Coke, please.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK (as waiter): Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, can I get a Naboo martini please?

NICK (as waiter): Of course.

NICK: The waiter walks off. We get this swinging shot of the waiter walking away as this song is continuing. As the song ends there’s a long round of applause. The waiter unobtrusively slides your drinks onto the table without getting in the way of your view of the stage, and the lighting is moody and makes things look a little more monochrome, and the singer segues into a slow sultry ballad.

[gentle music begins]

Her colored feathers that were accenting her mostly dark plumage shift to a deep purple that complement the lighting, and the spell of the music seems to deepen, but you’re able to still look around and kinda analyze the room, see the scene. Do you listen to the rest of the concert or do you try to get any information or anything?

LILIT: Xianna is absolutely gonna case the joint from the table.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: So just peering around for exits, for any windows, windows that seem like they would open, windows that don’t seem like they would open. Where are service entrances? How many floors, how many tables, how many workers? What do the bodyguards look like? How big are the bodyguards? Do they look very buff? Do they  have earpieces? Are they on coms? All of that fun information. I assume that would be Skulduggery.

NICK: Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be hard difficulty, though.

LILIT: Okay.

HUDSON: Wow, you have a lot in Skulduggery apparently.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: I do. Four successes.

NICK: So you notice a couple of things. On the surface, this bar looks like kind of a dive, the kind of place where they don’t have a lot of security because there’s not really anything to steal, minus the obvious bouncer by the staircase, but you also see that there are things here that are nicer than that.

As you peer closer you do notice that there’s a few security cameras very unobtrusively tucked into the corners, and you see that some of the patrons of this bar are not really watching the show and they’re not really drinking, they’re watching the crowd. So it seems like there’s some security here that isn’t necessarily dressed like security, and those people all look sharp to you. They look like people who have seen conflict and who are ready to throw down if they have to, and you see the obvious bulge of a couple of blasters in their coat pockets.

You do also note that there’s a side exit and it looks like there’s an exit at the back of the stage that would go to some dressing rooms and things, and you can see the service entrance there as well, so you would be able to make your way backstage pretty easily. The other thing you notice is that the bartenders both avoid part of the area under the bar when they’re making drinks like something is stashed there that’s not alcohol, maybe like a blaster or something.

And, with four successes… this whole floor could turn into a shooting range very easily from those bars. Like, it’s set up to look unobtrusive and relaxed and kind of aged glamor sort of look, a bit of an older and worn out thing, but this place is also set up for good sightlines and defense which is a little surprising.

LILIT: Based on Xianna’s experience with smuggling and thievery and general scoundrelry, does this appear to be a bar that is maybe gang activity or is it they are holding more valuable items somewhere and they want that added security? Or something else?

[music ends]

NICK: This place looks like a front to you.

LILIT: Okay.

NICK: So not necessarily like they have something valuable. You don’t see anywhere where there would be necessarily a safe or any of the security measures that would be like “this is a treasure room.” What you do see is that these security and everything look like gangsters, essentially. This is a place where an organization meets up and it’s kind of their home base, and you very much identify that very quickly.

LILIT: Wonderful. Xianna does lean in towards everyone at the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, by the way, this is some sort of front for like gang activity or thieves or something.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~ I wonder what’s in the back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, we will have to see.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, you said it was a front and then I said it was the back. It was a joke…

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh. I understand it was a joke, it’s just… there is a front and a back.

NICK: The song slowly comes to an end and everyone cheers. You can see Keyna, the singer, make a quick gesture to wherever the MC is up on the second floor, and you hear:

NICK (as announcer): Wasn’t that amazing, folks? Keyna will be back later tonight but will be taking a quick break of the set. Please enjoy our instrumentals.

NICK: Keyna turns and walks backstage. The lighting comes up a little bit and fully lights the stage, and you can see the band starting to play away just some happy cantina music just to keep everybody busy while they drink and talk. It looks like Keyna has gone backstage to rest and may be alone where you could talk to her if you wanted to.

CAMERON: I have a question…

NICK: Yes?

CAMERON: …that seems like something that we should’ve asked earlier. Do we have HK with us or is it just the three of us?

NICK: Yeah, HK is there.

CAMERON: Okay. What’s HK’s formal wear?

NICK: HK has a little bowtie on.

LILIT: Beautiful.

HUDSON: Aww.

CAMERON: Good. Good.

NICK: Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): I wonder… do they take requests?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is not that kind of club.

HUDSON (as Tink): How do you know it’s not that kind of club?

LILIT (as Xianna): It is just not.

CAMERON (as Karma): What song were you going to request?

HUDSON (as Tink): I wanted to request an old Fall Out Bay song, Exit to Endor: Love Found on a Beach Week.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, that is a good one, but they would definitely not play it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Not that kind of club? Okay.

LILIT (as Xianna): Not that kind of club.

CAMERON (as Karma): Nuh-uh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Also, does everybody else see all the secret security?

HUDSON (as Tink): Nope, I’m pretty aloof.

CAMERON: [snickers]

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, okay.

LILIT: Is there a cocktail napkin under one of the glasses?

NICK: Oh yeah, absolutely.

LILIT: What Xianna does is Xianna takes the napkin and holds it next to the glass and, she had ordered a martini, so there’s some sort of fancy little thing on a toothpick, and takes out the toothpick and sort of casually, very surreptitiously, uses the drink to make little dots on the napkin while not looking and talking to the group so that anyone looking by would just think she’s fidgeting or messing with something, and marks where the door is and where the group is, and slides it back over.

LILIT (as Xianna): The dots are the security. You should not look at them directly, they will see you. You are very big and noticeable.

NICK (as HK): And carrying an axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

HUDSON: I look down at my axe.

HUDSON (as Tink): You’re right. It’s, uh… it’s kinda out there. I’m proud of it, but it’s out there, especially in this jizz club.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, for some reason that sounds inappropriate.

LILIT (as Xianna): What, jizz? It is just a type of music.

CAMERON (as Karma): No-no, how he was talking about his axe.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh! Oh yes. It did seem a little iffy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just proud of what I got.

LILIT (as Xianna): But is a jizz club the place to show it off?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, it’s continuing.

HUDSON (as Tink): If not at a jizz club, where?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know, like a combat situation?

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Fair point.

LILIT (as Xianna): The Ren fair?

CAMERON (as Karma): Also a good point. Yes.

NICK (as HK): Karma, you know what they say, it’s not the size of your vibro-axe it’s how you use it, and Tink is quite skilled.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, HK knows.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was just suggesting combat situation. Yeah.

NICK (as HK): We think that this could become a combat situation. Security does look quite intense. I agree with secondary user Twinkle Toes.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, investigation mode, I will do it.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I forgot. I am so sorry. Uh… I am here to support you, secondary user Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Thank you. You are a good friend, HK.

NICK (as HK): And you are a good friend to me, threatening me with changing my brain setup.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes indeed. Okie. Do you all want to try to sneak into the back or do you want me to just casually sneak in?

HUDSON (as Tink): I can cause a distraction if needed.

CAMERON (as Karma): What were you thinking for a distraction?

HUDSON (as Tink): I would get up on stage and start singing.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yes, that is a great distraction.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is a distraction. I will say, that is where the stage door is, though.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh yeah.

NICK: So there is a stage door to the left of the stage that would lead backstage without getting onto the stage, but yeah, the stage is low enough and informal enough that, Tink, you could get up there without someone being able to probably stop you right away until they figured out what you were doing.

HUDSON: Hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): You know, if you do that, HK and I can take it from there.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Just tell me when. I have a song queued up. I’ll have them hit the lights on me. I haven’t done this in years.

LILIT (as Xianna): Whenever you want to go, you—

HUDSON: I start walking up there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): [laughs]

LILIT: Xianna looks at Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): Karma, are you going to stay out here and watch this?

LILIT: And Xianna gestures broadly towards the stage.

LILIT (as Xianna): This mess? Or are you going to come with us?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um, I will come with y’all.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Here you go.

LILIT: Xianna, out of seemingly thin air, has procured a drink tray and thrusts it into Karma’s hands.

LILIT (as Xianna): You are going to want to pick up some drinks along the way. Quick-quick we go!

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: We get an overhead shot of people standing at these standing tables and the band is playing. Tink walks close to the stage. The bouncer who’s by the staircase eyes him suspiciously for a second before dismissing him, and Tink is facing away from the stage, and in one quick step just puts his leg back and steps up (whoop), and is suddenly on stage and does a spin and is standing in front of the microphone. The band that was playing peters to a halt and the spotlight snaps on and the lights go down and just spotlights Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hi, patrons! I’m… uh, Tron.

NICK (as audience): Woo! [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m here—Thank you. Thank you! Thank you, my man. Um… so, I’m here today to play you, to sing you a nice little ditty.

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird~!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, that’s not—

LILIT (as audience): Free Bird!

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s a nice ditty, but not… that’s not what I’m playing. Okay, I’m just gonna go, okay?

NICK: And one of the Biths that’s behind you, Tink, leans forward. It’s the one that was on the piano.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Hey bro, what are we playing?

HUDSON (as Tink): [hushed] Ah, Rocket Man.

NICK (as Bith): [hushed] Oh! Oh yeah, of course, that famous Star Wars song, Rocket Man.

[laughter]

NICK: And the opening chords start.

HUDSON (as Tink): [in a slower spoken word style] She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero, hour 9 AM, and I’m gonna be high… as a kite! By then.

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: And we zoom away from that. The entire room is mesmerized by this. Nobody goes to interrupt it. We see Xianna and HK and Karma walking very quickly to take advantage of that distraction towards that back door. As you are walking towards your goal, a Nautolan who seems mesmerized by Tink’s performance bumps into Karma on his way walking the other direction.

Karma, you make a quick moment of eye contact and there’s a lightning bolt of recognition. Xianna, you have a moment to see them knock into each other and they both stop, and he looks familiar to you. You’re not really sure why. You don’t know him, but for some reason he looks familiar. The Nautolan stops and leans in to speak very quickly and says:

NICK (as Nautolan): K-Karma?! It’s been years! How are you?

LILIT: The moment this interaction begins Xianna twirls around and seamlessly picks up the tray away from Karma.

LILIT (as Xianna): You seem like you are going to be busy. Okay bye. HK, this is yours now.

NICK: That happens so quickly the Nautolan doesn’t even notice, he so absorbed with Karma.

NICK (as Nautolan): I’m doing really well. I got promoted recently. I’m, ahem, extremely successful. How are you?

CAMERON (as Karma): [performative] I… I am good. Imagine seeing you here… Wow!

CAMERON: They do a hug that is the awkward hug of you’re now 40 and this is someone you dated in high school.

NICK: With that he leans back from the hug.

NICK (as Nautolan): Who would have thought, Keer and karma meeting up back on Coruscant.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m… shocked.

NICK: And we’re gonna cut away from that conversation to Xianna and HK. I think they’ve already slipped into the door. There’s a short hallway and then a very standard wooden door with a gold star on it. You’re standing in front of the room where presumably the singer has gone to rest. Do you just barge in? Do you knock? What do you do?

LILIT: Xianna knocks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ello. We have a scheduling question!

NICK: The door flies open and you see Keyna, this Fosh singer, and she’s wearing a fluffy bathrobe that’s tied pretty low.

NICK (as Keyna): Look, I’m trying to prepare for the next performance, so you—You don’t work here.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, absolutely not. Okay. HK, you go into the room now. Okay. We are going to come in here and we are going to have a little chat. Okie-dokie?

NICK (as Keyna): Okay. You have my interest.

NICK: She steps out of the way. HK’s already slid in behind her. As you go in I assume you shut the door behind you.

LILIT: Xianna shuts the door and I imagine there’s a fancy vanity that has a large mirror and the ring lighting around it and Xianna goes and just sits on top of that, of course not into the chair, on the vanity, and takes just whatever drink is on HK’s tray and starts sipping on it.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, Keyna, fabulous singer of the Blue Bantha, I—

NICK (as Keyna): Whoa! Who told you it was called the Blue Bantha? This is the Songbird. It hasn’t been the Blue Bantha in months.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well there is a Blue Bantha statue…

NICK (as Keyna): [sighs]

LILIT (as Xianna): …and I’m pretty sure one of the napkins had Blue Bantha Jizz Club on it, and when we were given directions we were told it was the Blue Bantha Jizz Club.

NICK (as Keyna): [muttering] Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha, Blue Bantha… Everyone talks about Blue Bantha.

LILIT (as Xianna): So what is it called?

NICK (as Keyna): It’s called the Songbird.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay.

NICK (as Keyna): If you want to have this conversation with me, please, call it the Songbird, and I’m Keyna, like you said.

LILIT (as Xianna): Fine then. Keyna, fabulous singer of the Songbird, you recently procured an item, and the problem is that we need it back, or more importantly you bought it from someone who bought it from us who should not have bought it from us, and we need it. So, we can buy it back from you or we can take it back from you.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh…

NICK: You see her facial expression kind of rearrange.

NICK (as Keyna): What exactly did I buy?

LILIT: A moment of blank confusion crosses Xianna’s face. She does a swivel towards HK.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, do you remember the actual name of it? Because, um, I only have an inappropriate nickname to call it.

NICK (as HK): I believe that it was referred to by our… employer as the Space Breaker. It is a crystal rod about a third of a meter long.

LILIT (as Xianna): I believe it is yellow.

NICK: Keyna raises her eyebrows.

NICK (as Keyna): Oh… yeah, I bought that for someone else, actually. It’s funny you should bring that up. You see, you might be able to help me with that, because it got stolen recently.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh.

LILIT: Xianna throws her head back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Grief. I always hate this. This always happens!

NICK: And we’re gonna jump back to Tink singing on the stage. Where are you at?

HUDSON (as Tink): [energetic and poorly] I think it’s gonna be a long, long time! ‘Til touchdown brings me round again to find. I’m not the man they think I am at home. Oh no-no-no~!

LILIT (as audience): Woo!

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m a rocket man!

LILIT (as audience): Yeah! [claps]

HUDSON (as Tink): Rocket man~!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

[laughter]

NICK: The bouncer is like snapping and really getting into it from where he is by the staircase. No one has gone to stop you, because this performance is so good. The camera swings away from Tink and he fades into the background as we see Karma and this other Nautolan, presumably Keer, having an awkward conversation in the middle of the floor.

CAMERON: So I think we have shifted over to the bar.

NICK: Okay. So you’re at the bar, and he’s leaning on it.

NICK (as Keer): So, um… what have you been up to?

CAMERON (as Karma): So, lots of bounty hunting.

NICK (as Keer): Okay~

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as Keer): Yeah, I had heard you didn’t end up going into security like your mom or like I did, so…

CAMERON (as Karma): No. You know, plans change. You don’t always wanna do what you think you do when you’re 16.

NICK (as Keer): [chuckles] That’s what I did. I’ve been in security ever since protecting the senator, you know. Your mom retired recently, and I’m sure she’s having a great time on Glee Anselm, but… did she say who replaced her? Because it was me, actually. I’m now in charge of the senator’s security detail.

CAMERON (as Karma): Well congratulations. I haven’t actually talked to my mom since Life Day, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): …did not get that update, but congrats! You worked a long time to get there. It’s very cool.

NICK (as Keer): Yeah. Yeah! It is extremely cool. I like it a lot. Listen, do you wanna, like, get out of here, maybe go somewhere more quiet?

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I would love to, but I’m here with him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Roc-ket maaan~!

LILIT (as audience): yeah, rocket man! Yeah~! [claps]

CAMERON (as Karma): So um… I’m here for a while, I think. A few of our other crewmates are here as well, so…

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. You’re not working a job, are you? Operating on Coruscant is kind of touch-and-go legal-wise.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Well.

CAMERON (as Karma): I haven’t seen any bounty offices since we got here. We’re just trying to track something down for a friend.

NICK (as Keer): So if you’re busy tonight that’s fine, I understand, but this is kind of a wild happenstance.

CAMERON (as Karma): [tightly] Mm-hmm!

NICK (as Keer): I think we should… We shouldn’t just let this go to waste, right? We haven’t talked since I was, what… 18?

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] Uh-huh.

NICK (as Keer): It’s been a long time. You okay? You’re looking a little pale.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah no, I’m fine. I think I just drank my Diet Coke too fast.

NICK (as Keer): Oh, okay. Hey, listen, there’s a caf place in the district that serves a really nice cup, actually.

NICK: He pulls out a business card and scribbles something on it in pen and hands it to you.

NICK (as Keer): Why don’t we meet there tomorrow, in the morning? Say like 8 AM?

CAMERON (as Karma): I’d love to.

NICK (as Keer): Great! Well, it’s been really good to see you, Karma. I’m looking forward to it. It’s a date!

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh…

NICK: And he like goes to do a hug then realizes that Karma’s very still and not going to reciprocate and pauses for a second with his arms up, and then drops them, and then holds his hand out for a handshake.

CAMERON: Karma gives him a good handshake.

NICK: They do a very business-like handshake. You can see he’s blushing a little, and he turns and heads towards the door. We’re gonna cut back to Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so who do we have to go and steal it from now?

NICK (as Keyna): You know how I blew up about the Blue Bantha thing? The former “owners—”

NICK: She does air quotes.

NICK (as Keyna): —were the ones that named it that. I used to be here a long time ago, and they took it from me, and I finally took it back and renamed it the Songbird, but in the process I may have made some enemies, and these gang members, these drug runners, stole the Space Breaker from me. I was going to give it to someone very important to pay a debt, so it would be great if you could get that back.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Okay. One, what is the gang called? What is the gang name?

NICK (as Keyna): They’re called the Kemslingers. They’re a local Coruscanti group.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. That is a terrible name. I hate them already. I will steal from them of course. Two, problem: again, I need this.

NICK (as Keyna): Tell you what. I am so tired of them. If you get it back and steal it from them, and if they happen to be disbanded as a group due to excessive fatalities… you can keep it. I’ll pay off my debt to my… I don’t wanna say employer or boss, but she has some dirt on me. I can pay my debt off a different way though.

LILIT: Xianna sets her drink back down on the vanity.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you love murder. This is going to be great. Okay. Thank you, Keyna, for this valuable information. I hope whatever your whole deal here is at the Songbird works out. Whatever you are hiding in the back or selling, whatever it is. Ooh wait, is it drugs?!

NICK (as Keyna): No. No, I never work in drugs, sweetie.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh okay, never mind. Well, disappointments all around. HK, we are going now.

LILIT: And hops down off the vanity and walks back to the door and closes it but pops her head back in.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie, it was lovely talking to you. Goodbye~

NICK (as Keyna): Yes. Remember, the Kemslingers, and uh… no survivors please~

LILIT (as Xianna): We will probably do that, or like 98%. You know, 99.99%.

NICK (as Keyna): That sounds good, sweetie. Thank you.

NICK: And she goes back to powdering her cheeks at her vanity mirror now that you’re not sitting on it anymore. So Xianna, you leave this hallway, you open the door, HK’s right behind you. You bump almost into Karma who is standing at the door about to follow you in. Tink is getting a standing ovation for his first song. You step out of the hallway and shut the door before anyone can see, and you’re standing by the door to the side of the stage, and Tink launches into another rendition of a wonderful and classic hit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, this is another jizz classic.

LILIT (as audience): Yeah~! [claps] Woo!

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you. Thank you, my man.

LILIT (as audience): Whoa-ho! Yeah~!

HUDSON (as Tink): Aruba. Jamaica. Ooh I wanna take you to Bermuda. Bahamas. Come on pretty mamas.

LILIT (as audience): [mumbling along loudly]

HUDSON (as Tink): Sing it!

LILIT (as audience): Play Free Bird!

HUDSON (as Tink): No!

[laughter]

HUDSON (as Tink): Key Largo. Montego. Baby why don’t we go down to Kokomo!

LILIT (as audience): Kokomo~!

HUDSON: I see Xianna walking away.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, oh! Uh… [rushed] That’s where we wanna go—Johnny, play me off!

HUDSON: I tip my hat and walk off the stage as the band plays me off.

NICK: The piano player is like…

NICK (as pianist): [indignant] My name’s Fino.

NICK: …but starts playing. Dink-a-dink-a-dink. Da-da-da ba-da-bum! And you step off the stage very jazz handsy. The bouncer who was guarding the stairs comes over to you and looks really big and intimidating and then pats you on the shoulder.

NICK (as bouncer): Man, that was some of the best singing we’ve had in this club for a long time. Now don’t tell Keyna I said that, she does own this place, and she’s great, but you just bring a certain inspiration and energy to that stage. I hope that you’ll come back. I really enjoyed myself.

NICK: Then he straightens his security shirt and goes back to standing by the stairs.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait! Hold on. Come back! Thank you so much for your kind words. Take this guitar pick to remember me by.

NICK: He takes it.

NICK (as bouncer): You, uh… didn’t play guitar.

HUDSON (as Tink): You didn’t see me play guitar. That’s how good I am. Wanna see me do it again?

NICK (as bouncer): Yes?

HUDSON (as Tink): [smug] There you go.

NICK (as bouncer): [chuckles] Wow. Fastest guitar player in the galaxy. I’m gonna hang onto this. That’s amazing. Thank you. Thank you. What’s your name?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Tron.

NICK (as bouncer): Right, Tron… I’ll remember that. When you’re famous, don’t forget about your time here at the Blue Ban—at the Songbird Jizz Club.

NICK: And he goes back to stand by the staircase. You all are able to meet up at a quiet corner of the bar to make notes and compare stories.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. So, the space dildo was stolen from Keyna by a gang called the Kemslingers, and if we go kill the gang and all of that so they are no longer operating, we can keep it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Easy enough? I don’t know. Are they dangerous? Do we have any other context on this group?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, she said local gang, so I assume they’re not that bad if they are local.

CAMERON: Karma now has a tablet. Where did it come from? We don’t know. It was somewhere in her dress. And is on the bounty hunter site and is looking up the Kemslingers gang.

NICK: They’re small-time. They do a little bit of drug running. It looks like maybe there’s been some slavery charges that were dropped. But in the grand scheme of things in the galaxy they’re pretty low on the radar. It’s the kind of thing where you could turn them in for a small amount of credits and a thank you, but the local police don’t seem very interested in paying out. The government isn’t putting a large bounty on them.

CAMERON (as Karma): They seem real small-time. We’ve taken on bigger enemies. They’re not worth that much.

NICK: Xianna and Tink, you notice that Karma is acting weird. She seems kind of distracted and uncomfortable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, you’re acting weird. You seem distracted and uncomfortable.

LILIT (as Xianna): [exasperated] Tink!

LILIT: Xianna kicks him underneath the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Shh. That was- I don’t- … Tink, do you not know how to do math? Like, look at Karma. Look at Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): I see, I see her.

LILIT (as Xianna): Now look at that man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

LILIT (as Xianna): [hushed] Look at him.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this the math of love?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is the only math I know how to do.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): And I always say that. I always joke about not knowing how to do the math, but actually I am pretty okay at doing the math when I need to because of the money and stealing and stuff. I just don’t like it. I need a calculator to help.

HUDSON (as Tink): Understood. Uh, Karma, never mind.

CAMERON (as Karma): That was real smooth.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Do you need to, I don’t know, have an evening with your… friend? Quote, quote.

CAMERON (as Karma): [weakly] No, we’re gonna go get caf tomorrow morning.

LILIT & HUDSON (as Xianna & Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Y’all do not have to make that noise.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes we did.

CAMERON (as Karma): [exasperated] Why?

NICK (as HK): Questioning Statement. Is that a euphemism for something?

CAMERON (as Karma): [indignant] Getting caf in the morning? No.

NICK (as HK): The caf in the morning.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean it is. It is also a euphemism.

NICK (as HK): Downloading pickup lines. … Hey baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Hey baby, that’s a pretty cool outfit, it would look even better on my floor. Hey baby—

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh gosh.

[laughter]

LILIT (as Xianna): Ooh, make sure you get the one that is “hey baby, I like the ligma.”

HUDSON (as Tink): What’s ligma?

LILIT (as Xianna): Deez nuts!

NICK: [laughs] Shit.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I do not think I understand that pickup line. What do legumes have to do with getting into somebody’s DMs?

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not worry about it, HK. We will explain later and we will set up a powerpoint. It’ll be a whole deal.

NICK (as HK): Will this be like the powerpoint that Sentinel used?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, mine will be good. So should we do this tomorrow afternoon? Or tomorrow night? Just because if Karma has to go on a “coffee meetup” with a “friend” in the morning maybe we should not be doing too much stuff tonight.

CAMERON (as Karma): That is legitimately what it is.

LILIT (as Xianna): [suspicious] Okay~

NICK (as HK): Karma, your heartrate and body temperature seem elevated. Are you okay?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You know HK, I was just so moved by Tink’s version of Rocket Man. I’m just coming down from the high of hearing that.

NICK (as HK): Karma, that doesn’t make sense. Quantifiably, Tink’s version of Rocket Man was inferior to the original recording.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa!

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa.

HUDSON (as Tink): Whoa.

CAMERON (as Karma): Whoa!

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it was not inferior, it is just a different style. Sometimes covers have their own artistic merit.

CAMERON (as Karma): It had so much heart!

HUDSON (as Tink): I wasn’t singing the original, I was singing a cover of a cover.

NICK (as HK): Oh… Recalculating. I do not understand, but I sense that I will hurt feelings if I continue this conversation. Great job, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you.

NICK (as HK): You are quite welcome.

CAMERON (as Karma): [relieved] Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so we go back to the ship for the night, we do some planning, Karma has her totally normal coffee meetup with a friend in the morning…

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh~

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): …and then we go kill some dudes!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh! Ooh! On the way back to the ship, can I get a pizza cone?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. Okay. You can do that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes!

NICK (as HK): Please explain what a pizza cone is.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is exactly what it sounds like, HK. It is a cone of dough with pizza fillings on the inside.

NICK (as HK): Are we going back to Darth Pizza the Cheese? We just left there.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, no. Darth Pizza the Cheese is like a nice sit-down place. This you get out of a little stall. It is like a single credit and they just throw it at you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, it’s pretty good. You have to catch it, and if you drop it they don’t give you another one free. I learned that the hard way.

NICK: If HK could blink slowly in confusion that’s what he would be doing right now.

LILIT (as Xianna): It is a food thing. You wouldn’t understand, HK.

CAMERON (as Karma): Where are the Kemslingers based?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I have no idea. This is not the right bar for that. If you just give me like two hours and a handful of—I don’t even need a handful of credits. I will just get free drinks. You give me like an hour and a half out on the town, I can get all of that for you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Cool?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hour and a half on the town? Make it 60 minutes and it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. You give me 60 minutes and then somebody buys me a pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright, it’s a deal.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but it’s gotta be from one of the places where they have the little shakers of extra cheese and pepper on the side, because I like to make mine spicy.

HUDSON (as Tink): Of course.

LILIT: Xianna takes her drink, slams it back, slams it back onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okie! I will be back here in exactly 60 minutes! Start the timer. Go!

LILIT: She claps her hands, spins around, and heads out. Xianna’s plan is to go into seedier bars and flirt for information, as one does.

NICK: That would be a Streetwise check at hard difficulty, with a black die because you’re not a local.

LILIT: Okay, but I can remove the black die because of Street Smarts!

NICK: Street Smarts!

HUDSON: Street Smarts!

LILIT: Street Smarts!

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Remove a black die per rank of Street Smarts!

NICK: Nice.

LILIT: From Streetwise or Knowledge: Underworld checks.

NICK: Okay.

LILIT: Can I also have a blue die since I will be targeting people who are inebriated?

NICK: Yes you can.

LILIT: Too many blank dice. I don’t like that, but okay. Sadly, it is only two successes and one advantage.

NICK: [grinning] ONLY two successes and one advantage.

LILIT: I had a yellow, a blue and a green die all come up blank, so that is a sad play.

CAMERON: Whoa!

NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Yeah. [chuckles]

NICK: So you are able to collect the information. What you are able to find out is the info about the gang. They have weirdly been hunted. With two successes and an advantage, describe to me your montage of your hour of collecting information.

[upbeat investigation music begins]

LILIT: So Xianna goes into bars, and Xianna looks for anyone that has gang tattoos. Even if she doesn’t think they are tattoos specifically for the Kemslingers, any gang tattoo is good. And will make eyes with them from across the bar, have them come to her. It initiates it. It brings down their sense of security, because they’re initiating the interaction. Gets them to buy her a drink, and then she will talk about how cool it is to be in a gang and ask to see their gang tattoo, and talk about it, and then be like “well, some other guy was trying to buy me a drink and they had a Kemslingers tattoo,” and see what they say.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

LILIT: This person might hate them and give a whole bunch of information about the Kemslingers and talk shit about them, or will talk a whole bunch about it because they’re in it. She repeats this pattern at a few different bars on a few different various people.

NICK: With two successes and an advantage, you are able to do this in under an hour, so part of the montage is you finish and say “oh yes, that’s very interesting,” finish your drink and sprint out of the bar [laughs] towards the next one. So we see you like running down the street trying to get to the next seedy place.

LILIT: It is sort of a Batman scenario in that the person will turn around to order a new drink, and by the time they turn around Xianna is gone.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: And is indeed running down the street to the next bar, sneaks in because she does not have time to wait in line and get past a bouncer, and repeats the process.

[investigation music ends]

NICK: So while this is all going on, Karma and Tink and HK are sitting at the bar waiting for Xianna to get back.

HUDSON: I have an old fashioned stopwatch I keep looking at every once in a while for some reason.

NICK: [makes a loud and annoying ticking sound]

HUDSON: Yeah, like one of those.

CAMERON (as Karma): It goes really well with your top hat. It’s like very coordinated.

HUDSON (as Tink): Thank you!

NICK: Tink is timing Xianna on this antique stopwatch that he’s found.

CAMERON: Karma and HK are just playing Chess on her tablet.

NICK (as HK): Strategic Statement: Knight to Pawn 5.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hmm. I’m beginning to remember why I don’t like Chess.

NICK (as HK): Because I have all the moves downloaded.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma!

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah?

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, Karma, Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm?

HUDSON (as Tink): Move the horsey over by the crossy tall one and then sweep the board. You know what I mean, sweep the board.

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… okay.

CAMERON: Karma moves the knight over to the king?

HUDSON (as Tink): By the king, the crossy one.

CAMERON (as Karma): The crossy person? [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Yes.

NICK (as HK): Boss Man, I have utmost respect for you, but it’s SUPER messed up to give someone the only gap in my strategy moves.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ah-ha~

NICK: At this point Xianna runs back into the room.

LILIT: Xianna comes stumbling back in. She now has a pair of bright yellow shutter shades on top of her head, is wearing a whole stack of glow bead necklaces, and has a yard-long drink with the big crazy straw that spells out bridesmaid.

[laughter]

LILIT: She comes back in slurping on the drink, throws an elbow onto the table.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, I have found out the information.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fifty-eight minutes! Good job.

LILIT (as Xianna): I am good at what I do. The Kemslingers, they have a spot nearby, not too far. It is in an old speeder garage that they use as a front for their drug running.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait. The drug running is the front? Of what crime?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. No. The speeder garage.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t repair speeders really. Well, I’m sure they do too, but they mostly do the drug running in the background.

HUDSON (as Tink): Got it.

LILIT (as Xianna): They have been beefing up their security lately, getting some real beefy boys and guns for the security. Apparently someone has been killing them off over the last year. They made some sort of enemy. I didn’t figure out who. Somebody. So, hopefully we don’t run into them, whoever they are, but yeah. So, they have some extra security but there aren’t that many of them left, so I think it kind of evens out in the end.

CAMERON (as Karma): Checkmate.

NICK: HK stops, does this micro-shift of his head to the board and back to karma, and to the board and back to Karma, and then with one hand, without the rest of his body moving, flips the tablet over and puts it facedown.

LILIT: Xianna shakes her head.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you should have used a Mustafarian Swap.

NICK (as HK): The Mustafarian Swap doesn’t work when the rook side pawns have been moved already.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well you use a Mustafarian Swap at that point, and it seems like it is not going to work, but you wait a few turns and usually they are gonna move their bishop, and then what you do is a Corellian Gambit. You see what happens? Ah-ha, that is checkmate.

NICK (as HK): That is outdated strategy that only works 67% of the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): 67% of the time it works every time, HK!

NICK (as HK): Xianna, secondary user, you seem more inebriated than you did at the beginning of this evening.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, I went to six different bars. Also I got this yard drink at one time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Are you a bridesmaid?

LILIT (as Xianna): Apparently yes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh.

LILIT (as Xianna): Who is getting married? I don’t know.

CAMERON (as Karma): [chuckles]

LILIT (as Xianna): I did steal the stuff from a different bridesmaid so I could sneak back into the bar. I don’t feel bad about it.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, I owe you a one-of-a-kind pizza cone from Pooky’s Pizza Cone & Boba Tea Emporium.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ohh! Kriff yes! Okay, let’s go get the pizza cone.

NICK: We cut to the four of you sitting on a curb as speeders go by. It’s not a bad part of town or a nice part of town, it’s just a Coruscanti skyline. You’re holding boba teas in one hand and a pizza cone in the other, including HK, and you’re watching speeders go by. It’s probably 2 AM at this point.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, there’s a red one.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, I see a blue one go by.

LILIT: Xianna’s just eating the pizza cone.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, when you eat or drink where does it go?

NICK (as HK): I do not eat or drink… except for the blood of my enemies.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I thought HK was just holding the extra pizza cone and boba tea for Xianna.

NICK (as HK): I was told to. I can smash it against my faceplate if you would prefer.

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Please don’t, HK. I’m going to eat that one. You know I could not decide between the spicy pepperoni and the mac and cheese.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): Which really isn’t a pizza cone at that point. It’s just mac and cheese in a cone.

HUDSON: I look up into the night sky and I just like under my breath say:

HUDSON (as Tink): Burning out his fuse out there alone~

NICK: [smiling] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

CAMERON: [laughs]

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

NICK: [laughs]

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one the squad does a special secret dance.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of fun Patreon levels including Hot Tub Hangout, a level that gives you access to monthly movie nights with the squad, livestreams, extra Q&A sessions, and bonus extra Discord channels.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all of your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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