Transcript: Episode 41 Not That Kind of Parade Ground
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 41:
Not That Kind of Parade Ground
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.
Okay team, let’s get to it. First of all, we have a new Patron. Carter Mckendry, welcome to the ship. It’s been really fun talking to you on our Discord and you’re a super cool person. We greatly appreciate the support.
Also, our Twitter dice bag giveaway concluded this week. Congratulations to @JSmartPig, @RoyalBlade4, and @mboing. If you haven’t already, send the @Tabletop_Squad account a DM and we’ll organize delivery for you. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with your favorite Tabletop Squadron moments. The squad and I scrolled through and read them all, and they totally made our weeks. We were so happy to hear from everyone. While the dice bags are spoken for, please don’t hesitate to reach out and tell us your favorite moments anyway. We all love talking to people about the show.
Without further ado, let’s get into the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Episode 41 of Tabletop Squadron. I’m your hosting game master, Nick. Good to see you. It rained for 20 seconds earlier and now it’s done. We’re gonna go around the table. Everybody say who you’re playing today, and if you spent any experience since the last time we played go ahead and let the listeners know what you spent that on. We’re gonna start off with Laura.
LAURA: Hello! I’m Laura, and I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler. I put my points into Coordination. I remembered.
NICK: [laughs] Good work.
LAURA: So, I got another rank in Coordination, an Agility-based stat.
NICK: Now you can do those sweet flips.
NICK: Great. Up next we’ve got Cameron.
CAMERON: Hello! I am Cameron, and I play karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter. For my XP I bought a dedication talent on my Skip Tracer tree…
CAMERON: …so I upped my Agility to a 4.
NICK: Nice. So now you shoot real, real, real good.
NICK: Awesome. And up next we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer. With my XP I didn’t do nothin’, fool, because I HODL’ed.
CAMERON: What?! [laughs]
NICK: No one—I hope no one gets that reference.
LAURA: I also hope you know that it’s a known meme now that you hold all your experience points and hoard it, and people will be like ‘what is he hoarding it for~?’
NICK: There’s all sorts of theories on the Discord about what you’ve been saving up for.
HUDSON: Is there really?
CAMERON: I feel like you’re not, though. You just occasionally are like ‘guys, I have 50 XP, what should I buy?’ You’re not hoarding it for a specific thing. You’re like, I just need to keep it, it’s mine.
LAURA: How many XP do you have right now?
HUDSON: So, that’s an okay amount to hold, because the next time I can get a big stat.
NICK: Hudson, Hudson… HODL.
NICK: [smiling] Alright. Before we get into the recap, let’s start off with the Destiny Roll~
CAMERON: Two dark side.
HUDSON: One dark side.
LAURA: One dark side.
CAMERON: Oh no. [laughs]
NICK: I win! I win the Star Wars… So, things that happened last episode: Xianna landed in a burning neighborhood. HK-67 started acting weird, but seems to have gone back to “normal,” I’m making air quotes. Karma splashed down in a bay…
NICK: …and shot the heck out of an Imperial sniper, taking their com link for tactical reasons. Tink was ambushed by a squad of stormtroopers and began to fight back but was rescued by Neato, the orange Rodian mercenary. The entire squad was able to meet up again and is headed for the shield facility on the far side of the city. Am I missing anything?
HUDSON: This is the same shield facility that’s in the Avengers, right?
HUDSON: Okay, then we’re not missing anything.
NICK: Okay. Thank you.
CAMERON: Karma did get an awesome photo of Tink and Neato doing the movie poster pose.
NICK: Yes, a very fair point. We have a beautiful movie poster style vista of Tink clutching demurely at Neato’s leg.
NICK: Anyway. Yeah, fan artists, get at us. So, we open on the squad hiking through the destroyed streets of Sart. Ahead, in the distance, we see a pulsing column of blue-green light that pierces the sky, aimed towards the shield protecting the city from orbital bombardment, but also trapping the people within. As the crew climbs over an abandoned barricade of blasted out speeders, Neato stands on top of the obstacle and offers a hand to help everyone over. “Well now, watch your slippers there, chums.”
CAMERON: “How many people you got here, Neato?”
NICK: “I spend most of my time doing guerilla work back behind the scenes, you know, doing the old shadow foot one-two, but probably about 50 or 60.”
CAMERON: “Oh! Is that including us already?”
CAMERON: “It is including you, though?”
NICK: “Always including me.”
CAMERON: “Alright. Cool. Just checking.”
HUDSON: “Neato, who’s in charge around here?”
NICK: “You’re asking who’s in charge? That’s who I’m taking you to go see, the militia general. She’s a tough customer, but she’s been keeping her people together this whole time. You’ll like her. Her name’s General Karthage.”
NICK: “You’ll see her here in a minute, I would imagine.”
LAURA: “Wait, so, but why do we have to go see her?”
NICK: “Let’s do a little bit of cause and effect, see. You want me to work for you. I won’t leave until this fight is over. We gotta finish up the hootenanny, don’t you remember?”
LAURA: “Okay, but you would not be working for us, you would be working alongside us on a different crew for our same employer. We would be coworkers.”
NICK: “I’m not particularly worried about your corporate structure. You won’t get me off this planet until we’ve kicked the Imperials to the galactic curb.”
LAURA: “I don’t think we are incorporated.”
HUDSON: “Incorpor—Did… Who—Did I do the paperwork? Karma?”
HUDSON: “Are we an S-Corp or a C-Corp?”
LAURA: “We’re not incorporated!”
HUDSON: “I swear I incorporated us.”
LAURA: “Wait. What? I did not sign any paperwork.”
NICK: “That’s some real business savvy.”
CAMERON: “Are we on the board?”
LAURA: “Or am I am employee? Because I did not… [exhales]”
CAMERON: “You filled out the stuff.”
HUDSON: “You’re not on the board.”
CAMERON: “Why would I know?”
HUDSON: “Listen. I’m the business mind here, so I put myself on the board. I’m also acting president, vice president, and secretary.”
CAMERON: “Okay, then why don’t you know what class we are?” [laughs]
NICK: “Statement: I am the CIO and CEO.”
HUDSON: “You know, I might have put HK as the CIO and CEO, now that I’m thinking about it.”
LAURA: “Why does HK get to get on it?”
HUDSON: “Who’s smarter than a robot?”
NICK: “Statement: Because I paid attention during the meeting.”
CAMERON: “There was a meeting?!”
LAURA: “Okay. If Karma does not remember the meting I feel like I cannot be blamed for not remembering it.”
HUDSON: “I haven’t blamed anyone yet. I’m saying that me and HK had a meeting, it was mutually decided that we were going to incorporate, and it was an S-Corp.”
LAURA: “Were the rest of us there?”
NICK: “Remembrance: Tink said we needed to have a board meeting at the resort so that we could do a tax write-off.”
LAURA: “Oh. I did not go to that.”
HUDSON: “So, that actually backfired, because we ended up not paying anything at the resort, so we didn’t actually get that tax write-off, but that was a good idea.”
LAURA: “I don’t think it was…”
CAMERON: “Eh. I mean, we have it for the future. What’s the corporation’s name, Tink?”
LAURA: “You didn’t just call it The Afternoon Delight, did you?”
HUDSON: “We’re ADD, the Afternoon Delight Depot.”
HUDSON: “Depots are hot right now.”
LAURA: “No they are not!”
HUDSON: “Yeah, like there’s the, there’s the, um…”
CAMERON: “Office Depot, and Home Depot.”
HUDSON: “Yeah. There, I didn’t even have to say it. You already knew.”
NICK: “Marketing Statement: We are always adding value.”
HUDSON: “That’s a great line. That’s what we came up with as our slogan, and we’re gonna make big, big credits.”
NICK: “Questioning Statement: What else did you expect from your CIO and CEO?”
HUDSON: “Exactly, and that puts me in the position of VP and secretary, and we’re all set.”
CAMERON: “I still don’t understand why you were asking me about how the corporation was classified, then, if I wasn’t invited to the meeting.” [laughs]
HUDSON: “I thought you were there. You weren’t there. You know, that’s anyone’s fault. That’s not—I mean, I’m not assigning blame to anyone, I’m just saying you weren’t there.”
LAURA: “I’m putting the blame on you.”
HUDSON: “I don’t think that’s gonna help the situation at all.”
LAURA: “I think it will.”
NICK: “While I’m particularly interested in your corporate shuffle, chums, do me a favor and duck, please.”
NICK: The crew hits the deck and you hear (charge-up whoosh, release) and you all turn around to see a stormtrooper dissolve into dust at the corner of the street, like they had just turned the corner.
NICK: “The Imperials rarely travel alone, chums. We should probably be skedaddling.”
LAURA: “They do move in herds.”
NICK: “Give it the old hip-hop come on, friends. Let’s go.”
HUDSON: “If you ski, I’ll daddle.”
LAURA: “No. That’s not how that phrase works.”
NICK: “I’m particularly flattered, but we’re a little busy right now.”
HUDSON: “That’s not—“
LAURA: “He didn’t mean it the way it sounded like he meant it. He was meaning something else… Don’t worry. Or do worry.”
HUDSON: “I was taking apart your word, and I—Never mind.”
NICK: Neato shrugs and goes jogging off down the street. So, as you approach the base, you pass a line in the city where the large-scale destruction mostly stops. Large craters stop appearing in the streets, and you can see that the city of Sart was quite idyllic before the bombardment started. The buildings are all pale stucco colors with bright shutters. It looks like you’re outside the range of the artillery in the bay. The shield facility is another kilometer inland. The perimeter of peace, however, is quickly disrupted by the bodies of stormtroopers. It looks like the Imperials have tried to charge this position multiple times and failed so far.
Neato steps out ahead of the group and waves a hand around the corner of an alleyway, the entrance of which has been streaked with blood because bodies have been cleared out of the way to make sure that the passageway stayed clear. Neato steps towards the edge of an alleyway and there’s a sharp turn. He waves his hand around it into the space, and you hear him yell, “Heyo there, chums. If you could point your death dealers to the sky, we’ve got some allies soft-shoeing through the carnage.”
You hear the sound of shifting weapons and the soft call of someone saying, “It’s that military advisor. It looks like he isn’t dead yet.” You round the corner to see high piles of sandbags and durasteel girders twisted into anti-vehicular barriers. A handful of militia members man the walls with a heavy turret and some blaster rifles. They’re all wearing tan uniforms in various states of disarray. The militia members look scorched, dirty, and exhausted.
The voice from earlier comes to you from a lanky Human with dark hair and a data pad strapped to one arm. They yell to you as you approach the barriers. “Who the heck are you?”
HUDSON: “Well, we just actually remembered we’re an S-Corp, but we are the, um, Afternoon Delight Depot.”
LAURA: “No, that is not accurate.”
CAMERON: “Hey, we’re here to help.”
NICK: “Come on, chums, stop aiming at my friends. We’re here to end this little campaign.”
The head of this little outpost finally does aim his blaster rifle to the sky. “Look. Every time you leave you take some of us with you and you usually come back alone. This is the first time we’ve ever seen you come back with different people. What happened to your contingent?”
Neato looks pretty sad for a second and wipes under his eyepatch. “They didn’t make it, but these ones definitely will this time. I’m very optimistic.” He starts to climb over the barrier. What do you all do?
CAMERON: “I too am optimistic.”
HUDSON: [cheerfully] “We haven’t died yet, have we?”
CAMERON: And I climb over the barrier.
LAURA: “No, I’m pretty sure one of us died, right?”
CAMERON: “Xianna—Xianna. Shh…”
NICK: The militia member standing on the barrier says, “You know, your best bet is probably back here with the rest of us, but I wouldn’t listen to that military advisor if I were you. He has a penchant for suicide missions, and it seems to be everyone else that doesn’t come back, not him.”
CAMERON: “I’m pretty confident in my team’s ability. Like Tink said, we haven’t died yet.”
LAURA: “And I brought extra drugs with me, so…”
NICK: The militia member just kind of shrugs. “Well, just try to take as many down with you when you go,” and steps out of the way and lets you pass.
LAURA: “Okay. It was lovely meeting you. Goodbye~”
NICK: The militia member doesn’t look at you, he’s placed his gun back down on the sandbags and is just guarding this alley, but another one of the militia members makes eye contact with you and then doesn’t know what to do and then smiles awkwardly and twiddles their fingers in your direction. “Well, bye~”
HUDSON: I do a princess wave.
NICK: Elbow-elbow, wrist-wrist?
NICK: Nice. [chuckles] So, you continue another couple hundred meters through some twisting alleyways. You can see some choke points. Anybody who’s particularly military-minded would see, oh, these are great places to put explosives in case that first barrier gets taken down, or hey they could collapse this building to try to stop them. this is a pretty well-situated place. They’ve done the best that they could with basically being in a residential industrial area. So, you get through these winding alleyways and you come to an open area around this industrial shield facility. It’s a large dome shaped building probably the size of a small football stadium, and there’s open ground, gravel, and broken up pavement for about 60 meters in a perimeter around it, and that’s where the militia has set up camp. They have tents. You see people driving small speeders back and forth with supplies. A small group of what looks like volunteer civilians, honestly, they don’t have a lot of other options, standing in formation and learning to be militia members. Neato kind of waves an arm at you all. “Well, the command tent’s this way, chums. If we want to get down and dirty that’s the place to do it.”
CAMERON: “Great! We’ll follow you.”
NICK: Neato is walking through camp looking pretty self-assured and just generally at home in this kind of situation. He’s waving at people who greet him, and does a joking shadowbox thing with a large Human with a repeating blaster rifle, they joke for a minute and he ducks under a fake punch and laughs and keeps going. You come to this large pavilion. It’s made out of posts sunk into this gravel yard with camo netting draped over it just to create some shade, and there’s a holo-projector in the middle, and you see the commander of the militia. It’s pretty obvious that’s what she is. Everybody is either getting yelled at by her and then saluting and running away or trying to give her distance depending on what their position is. She’s wearing a soot-stained militia uniform. It’s got a general insignia on the shoulder. She has short cropped, dark, curly hair and a skeletal-looking prosthetic for her right arm which is missing, but it looks pretty functional if a little disrepaired at this point, and she is leaning over a holo-projector basically pointing at it with her presumably chief of staff. Neato walks up and says, “Greetings General, back from the front.” She just rolls her eyes and goes back to what she was doing. Neato looks a little deflated.
HUDSON: “Heya, General.”
CAMERON: Karma’s just gonna stand at ease at the entrance area to the pavilion.
HUDSON: “We’re here to win this war.”
NICK: “Couldn’t have said it better myself, chum.”
She rolls her eyes at Neato and says, “What exactly are you trying to achieve by bringing these civilians into my camp? We don’t have that many people. We’re almost out of supplies.” Neato just kind of shrugs helplessly.
CAMERON: “That’s kind of the point, actually. You don’t have that many people. Also, not civilian.” Flash bounty hunter badge.
NICK: “Great. You’re bringing more mercenaries into the situation. Thank you so much, Neato, the military advisor.”
CAMERON: “Not a mercenary, bounty hunter, different.”
LAURA: “Also, I am not a bounty hunter.”
CAMERON: “Yeah, that’s just me.”
HUDSON: “I’m not a bounty hunter, but I’m here… for this service.”
CAMERON: “Also, assassin droid?” Points at HK.
NICK: “Statement: I am the CIO and CEO of ADD Enterprises.”
LAURA: Oh, we’re an enter—[giggles]
CAMERON: [giggles] Dear lord.
NICK: “You brought an accounting droid?! Why does the accounting droid have a gun that big?”
CAMERON: Karma facepalms, because Cameron just did. [laughs]
LAURA: “Hank is actually very good at shooting people. I think it was first an assassin droid and then later reprogrammed for the accounting stuff. Also, I don’t actually think he is an accounting droid now that I say that.”
NICK: “Speculative Statement: I have always found that being an accountant is more a state of circuits than a programming function.”
CAMERON: “Hmm. We’ll see how it works at the corporation’s end of year reports. We’ll see how you’re feeling.”
LAURA: “Ooh! Do I get a bonus?”
CAMERON: “I don’t think we ever actually figured out if we were employed by the corporation, Xianna.”
LAURA: “Oh, well I don’t know…”
HUDSON: “Y’all are actually volunteer contractors right now.”
NICK: “Error. Secondary user receives zero bonus.”
LAURA: “Do I get benefits at least?”
HUDSON: “[laughs] No.”
LAURA: “You know what? I quit. I never even got hired in the first place, but I quit.”
LAURA: “I think this is the first time I have ever quit an actual company.”
HUDSON: “You didn’t quit.”
CAMERON: “And you weren’t even actually hired. Anyway, yeah, General, we think that we could be of some assistance.”
HUDSON: “General, I think we could be of all the assistance. You can step aside now and—“
CAMERON: “Whoa. No~!”
HUDSON: “Wait, wait, wait. Hank mostly can figure this all out.”
NICK: “Heh-heh…” The general pulls a cigar out of the front pocket of their uniform and puts it in. you hear a lightsaber igniting noise (whoosh) as they flick a lighter and it lights the cigar, and she takes a couple of puffs on it. “So, you think you’re in charge, huh?”
NICK: “Be my guest. What does it matter? We’re all gonna die anyway, right?”
NICK: “Neato, why have you brought these people here? Let’s just get down to it. I’m open to suggestions at this point.”
Neato says, “Well there, General, I figured with this crack squad of commandos we may be able to turn the tide against old Palpy.”
“Can you stop calling the Emperor old Palpy, please?”
CAMERON: “I actually rather like it.”
HUDSON: “I like it, too.”
LAURA: “His name is Sheeven. We all know that.”
NICK: “Yeah, you gotta sock it right to Sheevie P!”
CAMERON: “Okay, I’m not a fan of that one.”
LAURA: “Yes, Sheeven Theodore Palpatine. That is his full name.”
CAMERON: “General, look at it this way. You don’t care about us. We have guns and are willing to go shoot stormtroopers for you. what have you got to lose? If we die, no big deal, we weren’t here just a second ago.”
NICK: “Now that’s a perspective I can appreciate. On the other hand, you all look reasonably well-suited for this kind of fight, being scoundrels of every flavor that I can see.”
LAURA: “We blew up a destroyer at one point.”
CAMERON: “That is true.”
HUDSON: “We did.”
CAMERON: “We do have a lot of experience.”
HUDSON: “I mean, it was mostly me, but like they were there.”
LAURA: “I am legally dead.”
NICK: “On purpose?”
NICK: “You blew it up on purpose?”
NICK: “Oh… Okay. They blow up by accident more often than you would expect.”
CAMERON: “Actually! Actually, actually, hold up. Two of them, right?”
HUDSON: “No, just one.”
LAURA: “Well, we purposely blew up one on purpose.”
CAMERON: “We purposely shot one when we were with Val.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, yeah.”
LAURA: “We shot one. I don’t think we blew it up.”
CAMERON: “It had a big explosion. Was it 100% destroyed? Questionable, we didn’t stick around long enough to see, but we did make a significant dent.”
LAURA: “That is true.”
CAMERON: “I’mma count that as one and a half.”
NICK: “This Val person sounds like a real biscuit boxer.”
CAMERON: “Oh yeah, you’re gonna love her.”
NICK: “I’m sure that we’ll get along like ham and mayonnaise, but before we do that, we need to get to the point. General, I have brought with me some special commandos. I found them out in the city. Don’t ask questions. The important thing is that they are all very good at what they do, and we are almost out of supplies, people, and hope. This is our only chance to do something to turn the tide.” Neato looks a lot more serious than he has since you’ve met him.”
CAMERON: “And we have a lot of granola bars and hope, and we’re here to help.” [laughs]
NICK: The general says, “Fine. What kind of plan are you looking at here?” She moves aside so that you can see the holo-map. The map has marks for the cannons that are in the bay and known troop movements. You see that the stormtroopers seem to be mostly moving in pods, groups of three to ten, and from the map movement they just appear in the city and then start to do a search pattern. You would know from your experience that has to do with the drop pods. No one is coming into this city any other way but getting hurled from orbit in basically a steel bloc. “We need to win this and push them out or we are all going to die. They have more resources, more people, and better weapons. The only chance we have is to show them that they’re spending more money than we’re worth ,and I am open to suggestions,” and she points at the map.
Neato looks at it and says, “I’m open to suggestions like your favorite diner at 2 in the morning, chums. The militia here has got sneakers, shock jockeys and bolters. If we could put all our porg eggs in one basket we could stick together and do something grandiose, or we could bundle up in these fox holes, or go for a picnic behind enemy lines. What do you think gets us the most bang for your buck, chums?”
LAURA: “Have you considered just placing bombs on all of their stuff? Just one big boom at once.”
NICK: ‘I’m all for the random shuffle explosion. That’s a lot of fun.”
LAURA: “Well, I mean, you know, it is a classic. Just didn’t know if you had already considered that one.”
CAMERON: “General, of the opposing forces currently on the ground, would you say that the cannons in the bay are the largest threat?”
NICK: You hear a large, rattling boom in the distance and the general gestures with her cigar. ‘Yes, the only reason that we haven’t been completely destroyed is that we’re out of range and they haven’t been able to get them out of the bay because of the shield. Now, getting rid of those would be pretty helpful, but we also have to deal with these stormtroopers.”
CAMERON: Can you describe the setup of these cannons? I was picturing like basically battleships, because it sounded like they were in the bay.
NICK: Yeah, they’re floating in the bay. They’re Imperial landing craft. Picture the allied landing craft from D-Day but a little bit bigger, and sealed, and with the front of one of those flappy wing Lambda shuttles that the Empire has stuck to the front of that with just a big ass artillery piece sitting in the back. “So, these cannons that are in the bay, they were troop carriers that the Empire originally brought in to subjugate us. We were able to boost the effectiveness of the shield and crash them, but they float, so they just attached the artillery pieces to the top and have started bombarding us. If they get those moving again we’re in big trouble.”
CAMERON: “Are they inside the shields?”
NICK: “Yeah, they’re inside the shields.”
CAMERON: “Can they shoot to the outside of the shields?”
NICK: “No they can’t. Pretty much the only way to get in or out is to crawl under the half-meter gap between the shield and the ground.”
HUDSON: “Or dig it deeper.”
CAMERON: “This question may seem slightly weird, but do you have any aquatic personnel here?”
NICK: “No, but we do have some rebreathers. Anyone can be aquatic with rebreathers.”
CAMERON: “Fair enough. How many would you say? Also, how many cannons are there?”
NICK: You would know that. There are five.
CAMERON: Five. Okay, thank you.
NICK: The general does the Tony Stark with the hologram hand motions and pulls up a troop list so that everyone can see. “Neato wasn’t wrong, even if it’s almost impossible to understand him. We have several specialized units that are from the original militia plus all of the civilian volunteers that we could find. We’ve got some shock troops that are pretty good at holding a line, straight forward combat, heavy weapons, they’re reasonably armored. We’ve got a platoon of them. we’ve got a small group of technical engineers and slicers for electronic warfare. They’re mostly working on keeping the shield running for as long as possible, but if you needed them we could do something. Then we have two or three infiltrators. Is it two or three?”
The chief of staff from outside the pavilion says, “It’s just two~ We lost Johnson~”
“Oh, so two infiltrators. Johnson’s probably still alive, but he wandered off. We don’t know where he went.”
HUDSON: “[scoffs] Typical Johnson.”
NICK: The general kind of shrugs and shows you they’ve got a bunch of volunteers, they’ve got a decent contingent of shock troops, they’ve got some engineers, and then they’ve got a couple of talented infiltrators. Neato says, “So, we could either split up and use our strengths and divide and conquer and do different options, or we could stick together, take what resources we can, and try to do it all in one big bang. Either way, we need to decide before—“ and a louder bang than you’ve heard happens, like the artillery struck closer. “Well, speak of the dark side.”
NICK: He runs out of the pavilion and you see him talking to somebody. If you go chase him, he’s talking to a scout who’s saying, “I don’t know what happened, but the artillery pieces are moving. They’re starting to get out of the bay. It doesn’t look like they can fly, but they’re getting closer.” And there’s another explosion that levels one of the buildings in the alley you just walked through.
CAMERON: “I think at least some of us are going to need to take care of those.”
HUDSON: “Let’s do the big bang plan.”
NICK: “Which one was that? I wasn’t paying attention.”
HUDSON: “It was the second one where we get all our resources together and we all go in all at once and a big bang!”
CAMERON: “Oh, I was thinking the opposite of the splitting and making many mini bangs.”
LAURA: “I was thinking we would just put detonators on everything and then blow it up all at once. So one big boom!”
CAMERON: “So, still one big bang, but splitting up, so a combo effort.”
LAURA: “Well, many little booms that happen at the same time to create one big boom.”
HUDSON: “Like fireworks.”
LAURA: “We could also put fireworks in there.”
HUDSON: “I mean, we wanna give the kids a show.”
LAURA: “It is fun. Always a good idea.”
HUDSON: “As the leader of this operation—“
CAMERON: “[chuckles dismissively]”
LAURA: “I feel like you… There’s so many other people who are more qualified for that.”
HUDSON: “Hank, what do you think?”
CAMERON: “He is the CEO.”
NICK: “Strategic Deferment: I think that we should all agree on the best plan of action as a group.”
CAMERON: [smiling] “I mean, yes. What is your opinion?”
NICK: “Statistical Statement: The most effective plan has a 33.3% chance of success and is tied with two other options depending on Imperial resistance.”
HUDSON: “What is that plan, Hank?”
CAMERON: “Yeah, which plan is it?”
NICK: “Error. Error. Calculations lost.”
LAURA: “Damn it, Hank! Ugh. I told you, he is all buggy. Something is wrong with Hank.”
NICK: And then HK-67 stands up a little straighter and cocks his head at an angle you wouldn’t expect that neck joint to be able to go to. “Listen, we could really go either way with this one. We could all split up and probably at least one of us will die, my money’s on Tink, or we could stick together and try to just blow a hole through the middle, and then we all probably die, at an equal rate to Tink, if we split up.”
CAMERON: “So I think we’re all agreed on that. What I’m asking, HK, is which one would you rather do?”
NICK: “I don’t care. You meat bags are gonna die way before I do.”
HUDSON: “He has a good point.”
LAURA: “He does have a good point.”
CAMERON: “What I guess I’m asking—Where do you rank me and Xianna’s lives against Tink’s?”
LAURA: “Yes, because we do need to start some sort of tontine so that way whoever lives wins all the money. Also, Hank cannot go on the tontine seeing as how he will not die a normal death compared to the rest of us, but I am putting my money on Tink dying first.”
LAURA: “So, I do like the odds between me and Karma of me being the last one alive.”
NICK: HK straightens back up to standing at attention like he normally does. “Ranking Statement: Xianna is a secondary user. Karma is a primary user. Boss Man is a primary user but has low odds of living.”
HUDSON: “I think that answered your question.”
LAURA: “It did not, but sure.”
CAMERON: “So, here’s my thing. Tink, this is not to be taken personally at all, but you are not gifted with a blaster. I feel like that’s more of a fact than an opinion and we can all agree on it and just move on. So, where I think your strengths really lie are going to be in dealing with computers, or in close combat, but stormtroopers are much more likely to shoot you before they get into range of your axe.”
HUDSON: “What if I could throw my axe in a way that would cut off three people’s ears?”
LAURA: “Can you? And why their ears?”
CAMERON: “Okay. One, the ears, not gonna really slow the stormtroopers down.”
HUDSON: “It’ll distract them. they can’t hear out of that side now.”
LAURA: “But they can hear out of the other side!”
CAMERON: “But also, now you don’t have an axe. That was gonna be my second point.”
HUDSON: “No-no-no, it comes back to me like a magic boomerang.”
LAURA: “Wait. Why does the boomerang have to be magic? Does it not just do that?”
HUDSON: “Because my axe is not a boomerang!”
CAMERON: “I don’t think you got that upgrade, for the boomerang axe.”
HUDSON: “I did not get that upgrade. I’m kind of pulling your leg a little bit. I didn’t get that upgrade. I’ll go with what you say.”
CAMERON: “Okay… So, I’m thinking, you can—“
HUDSON: [laughs] I like Nick’s face during all this.
CAMERON: Nick is broken. We’re sorry.
NICK: [smiling] No, I’m planning a side adventure called Tink and the Magic Boomerang.
CAMERON: [laughs] “So, I’m thinking, if you took a couple of the other techies and went and did some cyber warfare, you could potentially interfere with the destroyer.”
HUDSON: “Can I name the group I take?”
LAURA: “Sure, why not.”
CAMERON: “I wouldn’t recommend incorporating them, I don’t think it’s worth it at this point, but…”
HUDSON: “No, there’s not really any kind of office or website to do that from this area of the war.”
NICK: “Suggestion: You could make them an LLC.”
HUDSON: “That’s… [sighs] No. We don’t have that… Just no.”
HUDSON: “What I’m gonna do is, I’m gonna take myself and Hackx R Us, my group, and we’re gonna go and we’re going to perform our mission.”
CAMERON: “I think that’s a great name, Tink.”
LAURA: “I don’t, but I think it’ll work.”
NICK: Neato perks up. “If you and the hackers are planning on taking something out of commission, there are some large radio dishes over in the technological sector. If you could sneak there in one piece you might be able to interfere with their communications.”
HUDSON: “Oh… I could do that. That’s old school stuff.”
CAMERON: “So, you’re super sneaky. General, excuse me, how combat-ready are your techies?”
NICK: “They can shoot? I wouldn’t put them on the front lines if I could avoid it. Also, if you could keep them from dying that would be great, because they’re the only thing keeping this shield running.”
HUDSON: “We’ll take all of them!”
CAMERON: “I don’t think you need all of them. I’m just thinking—“
HUDSON: “I want a battalion of 30 people!”
CAMERON: “Okay, that seems excessive.”
NICK: “That’s wrong for multiple reasons.”
CAMERON: “You just need a couple of the best, because you’re awesome, so you don’t need a huge team.”
HUDSON: “You’re right.”
CAMERON: “You just need a small team to assist you.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, it’s mostly me.”
CAMERON: “However—Exactly. It would probably be beneficial if you had some fire support with you, though, as they are not as martially gifted as you, and as we discussed you are close combat.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, you’re right. I need some snipers and tanks and…”
CAMERON: “You need at least one heavy shot with you.”
NICK: Neato is just like whistling and looking at the sky and stroking his blaster rifle.
CAMERON: “As you are trying to sneak through a city that we are unfamiliar with, I might suggest you take Neato with you.”
HUDSON: “Neato, would you like to join my battalion?”
NICK: “What a whiz bang suggestion, Karma!”
HUDSON: “Alright. Looks like I’m going out. Bye everyone!”
LAURA: “Okay, bye~!” The moment he turns around and starts leaving, Xianna turns around. “Okay, so 20 Credits Tink dies on this mission. Who wants to take that?”
NICK: HK raises his hand to a perfect 90 degree angle. “Calculating Statement: I will give you 2 to 1 odds.”
LAURA: “Okay, so, but do you want to bet, or…?”
LAURA: “Okay, cool. I was not sure if you were just giving me the odds in order to have them.”
NICK: “Wait. I’m betting that Tink is going to die. You think Tink will live?”
LAURA: “No. I said Tink will die…”
NICK: “Oh. No bet.”
LAURA: “…so you would be betting for him to live.”
NICK: “No bet.”
LAURA: “What? Okay. What if we do the other way around? I’ll take that.”
LAURA: “Okay cool.”
CAMERON & HUDSON: [laughs]
LAURA: “So 2 to 1 odds that—“ [laughs]
CAMERON: Oh gosh.
HUDSON: Xianna thinks I’m gonna live.
LAURA: So, Hank has…
CAMERON: It turns out HK actually has so much money that we just don’t know about.
LAURA: …Tink dies…
NICK: I have a plan if I need to get 40 Credits for this.
LAURA: …Xianna has that Tink lives.
NICK: Let the listener be showed that Laura is literally writing this down in like a bookie book in her lap right now.
LAURA: Oh yeah. So, I have bet 20 Credits on that one. Okay. “Alright Hank, we’ll see. I mean, I hope he lives now, because I have bet money, but…”
CAMERON: “I mean, I hope you had hope that he’d live before. Anyway. Now that they’re gone, we—“
LAURA: “Well no, if I was betting for him to die I would have wanted the credits.”
CAMERON: “[exasperated splutter and sigh]”
NICK: At this point Neato looks up and sees that Tink is just striding purposefully back towards the perimeter of the camp. “Wait, chum! Wait. The engineers are the other way.” And he runs off to go get Tink. While you’re having this conversation you see Tink and Neato gesticulating in the background and then they turn and start jogging off towards the shield facility where presumably the engineers would be.
The general says, “Well, that gets them out of my hair, and maybe they’ll do something helpful. You seem armed to the teeth and you have a cool coat.”
LAURA: “I do! It has many pockets.”
NICK: “I would imagine if the Imperials are starting to advance on this position they’re gonna have a lot of ground troops protecting their artillery. You can go behind enemy lines, I can spare you a few troops to help, or you can set up here and we can try to take them down with the defenses we already have in place. Up to you.”
CAMERON: “What’s your stockpile of explosives looking like?”
NICK: “We have Some. Are you looking for rocket launchers or satchel charges?”
CAMERON: “I mean, a rocket launcher would be nice, but also what I was thinking was, when I fell I landed in the bay with the cannons. I would like to, A, destroy some cannons, and B, potentially steal at least one cannon.”
NICK: “Steal a cannon…”
CAMERON: “So, if I could get at least a couple of folks to come with me, but particularly some of your sturdy combat troops, and some rebreathers, and some explosives, to go do that…”
NICK: “Hey, purple girl, are you going with her?”
LAURA: “Sure, why not.”
NICK: “Great. I can give you two of my strongest point men. Does that work for you? They can at least carry things.”
NICK: “Alright. Smith, Weathers, come here.” Two tall, buff guys with crew cuts—one’s got dark hair, one’s got blonde hair—you’re not sure which is which and the general doesn’t bother to specify…
CAMERON: Eh, that’s fine.
NICK: …snap to attention. They’ve got blaster carbines, and unlike most of them they’re not wearing the long sleeve tan coats buttoned up. They’ve got cargo pants and combat boots and are wearing the really thin tank tops in dark brown.
NICK: They snap to attention, and they say “Yes ma’am” in unison.
LAURA: “Okay, so which one of you is going to let me do a piggyback ride on the way there? Because I do not want to walk. Heh.”
NICK: The one with dark hair drops attention. “Heh. Yeah, yeah, sure,” and he holds out his arm for you.
LAURA: “Yes!” Heh.
NICK: As you grab it, he judo throws you over his hip so that you land… Do you land on your feet or do you land on your butt?
LAURA: On my feet!
NICK: Yeah, you’re super agile.
CAMERON: She’s very agile.
NICK: So you land like that and he looks super surprised and lets go quickly. “Oh, sorry about that… but no, I’m not carrying you through a warzone. I figured if you made it here you’d be pretty capable.”
LAURA: “But… [huffs] But I mean I am capable of doing it, but I do not want to~ Karma! Tell one of them to let me do a piggyback ride. I am tired~!”
CAMERON: “Xianna, you can walk.”
LAURA: “I am tired…”
CAMERON: “Take some drugs. It’ll be fine.”
NICK: What did I name them? “Yeah Weathers, she doesn’t want to~” says the other soldier. [laughs]
LAURA: “Look, do not make fun of me.”
CAMERON: “Soldier, I need three rebreathers and a bunch of explosives, now.”
LAURA: “And if you make fun of me again I will shoot you.”
NICK: “Sounds like we have an understanding.” He snaps to. He doesn’t salute.
CAMERON: That’s fine.
NICK: “The armory tent’s this way. Let’s just go collect everything we need,” and they jog off.
CAMERON: “HK, you’re coming with us, I guess.”
NICK: “Statement: This is acceptable.” HK jogs off after you all.
CAMERON: “I bet I can find you some organics to kill.”
LAURA: “HK, can you swim?”
CAMERON: “We’re not putting him in the water.” [laughs]
NICK: “Absolutely not.”
LAURA: “Can you float?”
NICK: “Not even a little bit.”
LAURA: “What about floating?”
LAURA: “Can you like sink to the bottom and walk along the bottom of the ocean floor?”
NICK: “I can sink to the bottom.”
LAURA: “But then can you walk along the ocean floor?”
LAURA: “I feel like I saw that in a holo-vid one time, like all sorts of skeleton pirates walked on the ocean floor to get where they were going. Could you not do that?”
CAMERON: “He just wants to be where the people are.”
NICK: So, we get a shot from General Karthage’s perspective. She gets down to the last two inches of her cigar and drops it into the dirt and stubs it out. We see karma and Xianna and these two soldiers. The two soldiers are moving at double time. Karma, Xianna and Hank are walking and bantering and joking. We see Tink and Neato running up the stairs to the door, and Neato goes to hit the door panel to open the door in the distance and it doesn’t work and Tink shoves him out of the way and does something that gets the door to open and they disappear into the factory. General Karthage stubs out her cigar and says, “The Force sure works in mysterious ways.” And that’s the end of the episode!
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and will make the squad giggle like school children when we read them. If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including some of my favorites: Bantha Buddy, Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, and Build-A-Beru which all have fabulous rewards and super great names.
Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad, and join our Discord and share all of your food and cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find the link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.