Transcript: Episode 23 Nerf Bonanza
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Tabletop Squadron Transcript, Season 1 Episode 23:
Transcript by Tyler (Twitter: @Tyler_MoonSage)
NICK: Hi everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. I’m Nick, your game master. Every other Thursday our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they explore the galaxy helping a mysterious benefactor and each other.
We hope you all had a wonderful Life Day. The squad scattered to the four corners of the galaxies for some time with family and I’ve used up our backlog. Starting fresh in this new year keep an ear out for some new goals and some fun new projects from Tabletop Squadron heading your way soon.
Thanks for listening, and we hope you enjoy the episode.
NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron! I’m Nick, your host and… eh, I’m still game master. I’m pretty sure that’s still going on. Thank you for joining us yet again on this lovely cow-centric adventure.
NICK: (smiling) We’re gonna go around the table and introduce everybody. Say who you are, what you’re playing, and if you’ve spent any experience points since last time why don’t you just let us know how your character has really just developed themselves into a more effective team member. Starting off we’ll go with Laura.
LAURA: Hi. I’m Laura. I play Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler, and I would just like to point out that there’s not cows in these, it’s nerfs.
NICK: Yeah. Space cows.
LAURA: There’s a big difference. Have you seen a nerf? It doesn’t look like a cow.
NICK: It looks like a yak.
LAURA: Yeah! And that’s not a cow!
NICK: I mean…
LAURA: A yak is not a cow, Nick! (laughs)
NICK: Okay, okay, okay, fine.
LAURA: I purchased Jump Up on my talent tree. It lets me stand back up.
LAURA: There’s not a whole lot to that one.
NICK: It makes it an incidental, right?
NICK: Cool. Up next we’ve got Hudson.
HUDSON: Hi Nick.
HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m… playing with your heart.
NICK: Yeah, you really are.
HUDSON: Alright. I’m actually playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer, and I bought one point in Streetwise to bring my point total for that up to 1, and one point in Skulduggery to bring my point total up to 1, and additionally I got Defensive Slicing. When defending computer systems add a black die per rank of Defensive Slicing on the opponent’s checks.
NICK: Interesting. So if someone tries to slice against you they’ll do worse.
NICK: Interesting. Cool. What a team-centric build you’ve created. We really appreciate your attention to synergy.
HUDSON: Oh, that’s all a ruse.
NICK: Well, hopefully we won’t get into that later. Last but not least we’ve got Cameron.
CAMERON: I’m Cameron, and I’m playing Karma Nailo, the Nautolan bounty hunter. I bought two talents on my Assassin skill tree. I bought Lethal Blows and another rank in Dodge, because I’m tired of getting hit.
NICK: Ooh. That seems fair.
CAMERON: Now just to remember that I have those. (laughs)
NICK: With two ranks in Dodge you can add two black dice to people attacking you?
CAMERON: No, since I have two ranks I can suffer 2 Strain to upgrade the difficulty of the attack by that number.
NICK: Oh wow.
NICK: So Dodge is like sidestep but scarier. Cool. Alright, so that’s everybody. Before we get started let’s kick it off with the Destiny Roll!
CAMERON: One dark side.
HUDSON: Two light side.
LAURA: One dark side.
NICK: We’re all tied up at two dark side, two light side. Nifty keen. I’m gonna cut that out because Gyarados Skullfucker will make fun of me again.
CAMERON: (laughs) I think you should leave it in.
LAURA: More than one person has mentioned ‘nifty keen.’
NICK: It’s like a thing people say.
CAMERON: Apparently they don’t, Nicholas, because that’s been all of the Twitter comments on it.
HUDSON: Unless you’re like an 80 year old grandmother.
LAURA: Especially the Europeans, because I don’t think they know it’s a real thing, because someone who’s doing some of the transcripts asked me if that was a real thing people said because they didn’t know how to spell it.
CAMERON: (laughing) It’s not really a thing people say, but Nick says it.
LAURA: yeah, that’s what I told them. It’s a very old person thing to say. He just says it for some reason. I don’t know why.
NICK: (laughs) I get hung up on catch phrases that don’t make sense.
CAMERON: (smiling) Because Nick’s an old person.
HUDSON: Boo-hiss-hiss, as my grandma would say.
LAURA: Yeah. Hudson’s grandma does say that, and it’s weird.
NICK: Alright! Last episode when we left off you did a few things. You gathered some information on some potential bounties, you entered one of your party members into a death fight kind of not in line with his wishes I would say, you won a death fight, that was cool, made some money, bought some cool gear, still waiting on your ship to get fixed, and stayed in a very nice bed and breakfast.
NICK: So, if I’m not missing anything else, we’ll get right into it.
CAMERON: Oh, they went to the hospital.
NICK: Oh yeah. You went to the hospital and you got your wounds mostly taken care of. That’s important.
NICK: Alright. The episode opens on the crew of the Afternoon Delight sitting around a breakfast table. Gentle sunlight is drifting in through a large bay window. The round table is covered in a massive doily tablecloth. A large Mon Cal woman wearing a pink floral dress is approaching the table with a pot of caf. She says, “Anyone want some more?”
LAURA: “Yes please!”
CAMERON: “That would be lovely. Thank you.”
NICK: She goes around and pours you all generous helpings of caf. It’s hot and fresh. She turns to walk away. What is the crew eating for breakfast?
CAMERON: (immediately) Scones.
HUDSON: I would say that I’m eating a scone.
LAURA: Just caf.
NICK: Just caf? Okay. There are nerf sausages and nerf bacon and flapjacks and a lot of things on the table, but you all are indulging in just scones. You’re the only guests in the bed and breakfast because you used up all the rooms so you don’t have to worry about awkward breakfast talk.
HUDSON: Are they normal flapjacks or like silver dollar flappies?
LAURA: Or are they like buckwheat or corn or something? Johnny cakes! Heh.
CAMERON: Space jacks.
LAURA: That’s what they are when they’re part corn.
HUDSON: Oh, I didn’t know that. That’s cool.
LAURA: Yeah, a Johnny cake.
HUDSON: I had one once.
LAURA: I’ve made them before!
LAURA: With blueberries!
NICK: ‘And they were very good!’
HUDSON: They were delicious.
NICK: yeah, there you go.
CAMERON: “So what’s our plan for today?” (laughs) “Did y’all get all the shopping you needed done?”
LAURA: “So, to be honest, I kind of forgot why we are here.”
CAMERON: “Our ship’s broken, Xianna.”
LAURA: “Oh yes! Heh.”
LAURA: ‘Oh, and the droid. We did get the droid, and I did all my shopping… I think. Sure. Yeah.”
CAMERON: So, if it was going to be three days to fix the ship, did that include yesterday, so now it’s two more days before it’s done?
NICK: Yeah. You have today and it should be finished being repaired sometime tomorrow.
CAMERON: That’s the same with all of our weapons that are getting upgraded right now as well?
CAMERON: With Krylon.
NICK: Conveniently, all of the getting upgraded timelines lined up.
CAMERON: Cool. I just wanted to check if it was three days from now or two days now.
HUDSON: I have no weapon right now except a pistol I can’t really fire very well, right?
CAMERON: (laughing) That is true.
HUDSON: So whatever we do I’m gonna have to use my bare hands, or my—
LAURA & HUDSON: Gigoran hands.
LAURA: Unless you bought some bear paws just to have.
HUDSON: Rawr. Oh! That’s what I have for breakfast, bear claws.
NICK: Good. Yeah. I guess so. You didn’t ask for a loaner or anything from the shop, so yeah.
NICK: Mm-hmm. You can punch things.
HUDSON: I can. Wait, what do I have even? It’s a Melee. I don’t have anything in Brawl. (laughs) I can’t.
NICK: Oh. You need to find yourself a bat or something.
CAMERON: “Um… I’ve got a vibro-knife you could borrow, Tink.”
CAMERON: “That’s at least… size difference, a lot from your axe, but it’s at least a sharp, pointy object.”
HUDSON: “Alright. I’ll borrow it.”
CAMERON: “Okay.” I loan him my vibro-knife so now he has a melee weapon. (laughs)
HUDSON: I kind of pick it up and look at it…
CAMERON: It looks ridiculous in your hand.
HUDSON: Yeah. It’s super small, and I kind of poke at it, like how sharp is this.
CAMERON: It’s very sharp.
LAURA: “I have an extra gun if you want it.”
HUDSON: “No. I can’t shoot very well.”
LAURA: “No? Okay. That’s fine.”
HUDSON: “I mean, you’d then be putting another gun in my possession so I could dual wield, but like—(laughter) I can’t shoot good.”
LAURA: “Whatever you want. I was just offering.”
HUDSON: “I’ll pass.”
CAMERON: (smiling) Great. Alright, so anyway, plans for the day, now that Tink is armed, kind of. I got intel on a couple of bounties that we can look into. I think there’s one that’s on planet right now. We could get more spending money.”
HUDSON: “Okay. I mean, I got a lot yesterday from being forcibly put into a death ring, but I did win that bet.”
LAURA: “No. You did technically agree to it.”
HUDSON: “In what way? What world were you living in?”
LAURA: “Um… I think you signed some paperwork or something.
HUDSON: “Yeah, after I was pushed into it.”
LAURA: “You could have decided to not sign the paperwork.”
HUDSON: “I don’t like disappointing people.”
LAURA: “And that is on you.”
LAURA: “And besides, you won!”
HUDSON: “I did. I still have a little bit of a high from that betting.”
LAURA: “I’m sure that will never become an issue.” Heh.
HUDSON: “Nah. I got it under control.”
CAMERON: “Uh-huh. Sure.”
LAURA: “So, bounties?”
LAURA: “Yes. That is what we are doing?”
CAMERON: “I guess. So, there were two bounties—actually there were three, but then I talked to someone who said that one of them was actually dead, so we’re not gonna go after him obviously.”
HUDSON: “Sounds like that would be the easiest one.”
CAMERON: “I think they’re already turned in, though.”
HUDSON: “Oh, okay.”
CAMERON: “They may have died in a bar fight or something, in which case the law enforcement officials were probably involved, so they probably just revoked the bounty on it. But I’ve got two more! There’s a group of nerf hustlers called the Slippery Nerfs who—“
LAURA: “Ohh! Okay.”
CAMERON: “There a group of Selkath, if that helps with the naming.”
LAURA: “No, no, no. You see, the name is a reference. Um… If I have to explain it I don’t think it is appropriate.”
CAMERON: “Okay cool.”
LAURA: “I will not explain it. Tink, you get that one, right?”
HUDSON: (shaky) “Yeah… I do.”
LAURA: “You see, okay, so with that one, what you do is you find a pool—“ (laughs)
NICK: At this point the grandmotherly Mon Cal walks back in. “You all need some more caf?”
LAURA: “Yes please!”
NICK: She starts to pour it in. “What were you all talking about?”
CAMERON: “Just some bounties that we may spend our time going after today.” (laughs)
LAURA: “I was explaining what a slippery nerf was.”
NICK: “Oh, slippery nerf, I used to pull a slippery nerf from time to time.” And she sashays away.
CAMERON: Karma looks uncomfortable.
LAURA: “See? It is a thing. I told you.”
HUDSON: “I believed you because I knew it.”
CAMERON: “Sure you did, sweetie. Anyway. Group of nerf herders. Don’t know how many there are.”
LAURA: “Which one is worth more money?”
CAMERON: “That would be the second one, but see I had to lay some groundwork for the second one, and Tink I apologize in advance.” (laughs)
CAMERON: “There’s a group, they’re called the GGGs, the Green Gregarious Gigorans…?”
HUDSON: “Oh, them…”
CAMERON: “Oh, you know them?”
HUDSON: “I mean, I’ve heard of them.”
CAMERON: “Oh, okay.”
LAURA: “Can we just paint you green and send you in?”
CAMERON: “Well, they’re off planet at the moment, but I did do a call yesterday giving an anonymous tip to their boss, Ziller, saying that there may be a Gigoran on planet looking for work… so they may come back, but they’re bank robbers and apparently as their name suggests they’re green. They are worth double the nerfs, however they are not on planet and we don’t have a ship.”
LAURA: Xianna has her hand raised a little bit. “Question.”
CAMERON: “yes Xianna?”
LAURA: “Can we just rob a bank instead?”
LAURA: “Why? Heh. It is not that hard actually.”
CAMERON: “Xianna, we are trapped on this planet for another few days.”
LAURA: “yes, so what you do is you do not actually rob the Credits, you cozy up to someone who works at the bank and you get a loan, and then you just use it all and then you leave before they collect it.”
HUDSON: “So you meant fraud, you didn’t mean rob.” (laughs)
LAURA: “Well, you also rob some things, like you steal Credit slips and … space checks.”
HUDSON: They still have checks.
CAMERON: “Those really nice pens that they always have.
LAURA: “You steal all of the pends, some data pads, and some actual Credits. Yes.”
CAMERON: “So I’m gonna go ahead and say no on the bank heist.”
LAURA: “(defeated) Okay. Fine. If you say so.”
CAMERON: “A: Just because… illegal.”
LAURA: “Like that has ever stopped us. A good portion of what we do is illegal.”
CAMERON: “Okay, so far we’ve been doing decently.”
HUDSON: “yeah, we have some morals.”
NICK: Time out. (laughter) We cut to Ithor and there’s this giant flaming crater, and news drones are hovering overhead, and there’s a report that says, “The wildfires continue to spread after unknown terrorist activity results in the destruction of a city.” And it jumps back to you.
CAMERON: It pops back to all of us looking very thoughtful. “Okay, I don’t think that was technically our fault, though.”
LAURA: Yeah. Xianna’s counting on her fingers. “Okay, we murdered that guy, and we shot that guy, and we shot these people…”
CAMERON: “So far I have only shot people who shot at me first, I think.”
LAURA: “It is still technically illegal.”
CAMERON: ‘Hold on. No. I did shoot the gang members, I surprised them, but they were gang members and that’s different, Xianna. They had bounties on them.”
LAURA: “I killed that drug dealer… Um.”
CAMERON: “You killed a drug dealer?”
LAURA: “Yeah. That is like the first—I think I told Tink, but yes, during the first little mission that we had to do. I’m pretty sure I got that little gray container with whatever that creature was in. that was my audition? For this gig, and I did kill a drug dealer, not actually related to the job at all, just a side thing that happened.”
CAMERON: “Okay, just a random drug dealer?”
LAURA: “Yes. Well, I mean, he had drugs.”
CAMERON: “Okay. Great.”
LAURA: “But then he tried to kill me, so I killed him, and then I stole his drugs!”
CAMERON: “Alright. I was gonna say it sounded like self-defense, and then you kept talking and now I changed my mind.”
LAURA: “I mean, it was a little bit, I just also looted the body.”
HUDSON: “Things have gray areas, I suppose.”
LAURA: “Yeah, like sometimes you enter your friend into a fighting ring… but then he wins! So…”
HUDSON: “That’s not a gray area…”
HUDSON: “It’s pretty black and white.”
LAURA: “No. No.”
HUDSON: “What’s black and white and red all over?”
LAURA: “Ooh! Um…”
CAMERON: (laughing) I’m trying to think of a space red panda.
NICK: A porg with herpes.
CAMERON: Oh no.
HUDSON: “Me after that fight.”
LAURA: “You did not have any black on you. You are just white and some bits of red. I mean, most of that was the Wookie’s blood just on you. And you peed yourself one time! Why do you even care?”
HUDSON: “I’ve never done that, ever.”
LAURA: “You peed yourself that one time on purpose. We all know you did it.”
HUDSON: “No. I slipped in oil.”
LAURA: “We all know you did it. Just be honest.”
CAMERON: “I’m gonna refrain from this one, because I was not there. I do not have an opinion one way or the other.”
LAURA: “Just be honest.”
HUDSON: “No. I didn’t.”
LAURA: “Okay, fine, whatever. We will get the bounties…”
HUDSON: “I didn’t!”
LAURA: “Anyways. Also Karma, where were you while I was entering Tink into a possibly illegal fighting ring? I think it was illegal, yeah.”
CAMERON: “Pretty sure we were in a crime den, so guessing not strictly… Yeah.”
LAURA: “I do not know. I mean, I should be supervised.”
CAMERON: ‘I was searching out information on these bounties, seeing if I can find anything else out.”
LAURA: “And did you?”
CAMERON: “yeah. I just gave you all of my information. I got the boss is Ziller, and I gave him a call, got his contact information. Hopefully he comes back to the planet. It just occurred to me I don’t know how large either of these two groups are.”
HUDSON: “I have a brilliant idea.”
CAMERON: “What is your brilliant idea?”
HUDSON: “So, we get the Slippery Nerfs to meet us in an alley, and we get GGG to meet us in that same alley—“
LAURA: “(gasps) And then they shoot each other!”
HUDSON: “yeah! And then we just take all their dead bodies to the bounty place.”
LAURA: “yes! Also, we have grenades, we can just also throw the grenades in there, speed things up.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, exactly. Perfect. Let’s do it.”
CAMERON: “So, we don’t have a way to contact the Slippery Nerfs. I just know that they’re north. We’d have to track them.”
HUDSON: “They have some kind of light signal that you can flash from a rooftop. Am I… Is this another Slippery Nerfs?”
LAURA: “No, that is a different thing.”
HUDSON: “Oh, okay.”
LAURA: “Can we go back to wherever you got all this information and ask clarifying questions? Like how many people are in this group.”
CAMERON: “Oh yeah, no, I just said that it occurred to me that I have no idea how large either of these groups are,” unless the DM told me last time and I didn’t write it down in my notes.
CAMERON: No? Cool. “I don’t know.”
LAURA: “But again, can we go back and ask these questions? I’m assuming you went to like a bartender.”
HUDSON: “So if I recall I think GGG is roughly the size of a barber shop quartet.”
CAMERON: “So four?”
LAURA: “You could just say four.”
CAMERON: “Or is it roughly the size, like it’s actually three or five?”
HUDSON: “It’s three to five.”
CAMERON: “Okay, so roughly the size of a quartet.”
HUDSON: “And this is how I remember it.”
LAURA: “So just say three to five.”
HUDSON: “Maybe they’ve grown into a bigger group, like a… like a band size.”
LAURA: “What do you count as a band?”
CAMERON: “Are we talking like big band, or like—“
HUDSON: “Big band.”
CAMERON: “Oh damn.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, little army.”
LAURA: “So anywhere from three to 20 people is what you are saying?”
HUDSON: “yeah, but that’s if they grew. If they didn’t, then there are four. You know what a barber shop quartet is, right?”
LAURA: “It is four. It is in the name.”
HUDSON: “Oh yeah.”
LAURA: “But again, you said roughly, so it could be three or five.”
HUDSON: “That’s how I remember it.”
CAMERON: “Cool. Great.”
LAURA: “Should we get clarifying answers from somebody in town? I’m sure somebody knows.”
CAMERON: “Do you know what size of musical group the Slippery Nerfs are comparative to?” (laughing)
HUDSON: “I have no idea.”
CAMERON: (laughing) “Alright. I’m just wondering. I can look it up.”
LAURA: “I mean, so if they are using the name as a reference then there would be four, but who knows.”
CAMERON: I’m gonna get out my data pad and open up the info on this bounty. (laughs)
LAURA: “Ooh! Make sure when you are typing in the Slippery Nerfs you do type gang—No, wait.”
LAURA: “Don’t type that one either. Heh.”
CAMERON: “No, no, no. I’m typing it into the bounty database, so it should be pretty safe.”
LAURA: “Oh! Then you should be fine.”
CAMERON: “This isn’t just like a space Google search. Not looking for pictures.”
NICK: Alright. You’re looking for info on the Slippery Nerfs?
CAMERON: Yup. I’m pulling up the bounty on them.
NICK: Okay. You pull up the bounty. First of all it does have an image search thing but the pictures are all blurred, and it says you can turn moderate search off to see more about Slippery Nerfs.
CAMERON: Karma has the parental controls on her data pad because Jet and Juke would use it, so it sensors all of the pictures. (laughs) Even though, yes, they are like 21.
NICK: They don’t have exact numbers on how many there are, and they don’t have any persons of note. This is pretty much a group of Selkath that have gotten together. from the jobs that you’ve seen there are probably between eight to 15 people. That’s how many it would take to like steal a herd of cattle.
CAMERON: “Okay, this is looking like eight to 15, which honestly seems high because the bounty is only 2K.”
HUDSON: “Maybe they’re all really tiny.”
LAURA: “No. They are Gigorans.”
CAMERON: “No, they’re Selkath, this is the Nerfs.”
LAURA: “Oh, oh, the Nerfs.”
CAMERON: “Selkath aren’t that small. They’re smaller than you, Tink, but most of us are. They’re probably, I don’t know, just think your standard Human height probably just more fish-looking.”
LAURA: “I like that we are using Humans as the standard when we are all non-Human.”
CAMERON: “Yeah, I know.”
LAURA: “It is a very interesting standard to use.”
CAMERON: “Honestly, you could do Nautolan or Twi’lek as well.”
LAURA: “Mm, on average we are slightly taller.”
CAMERON: Karma looks down at Xianna. (laughs) “Huh. Sure.”
LAURA: (laughs) “But I am just, uh, short. Ryloth is an occupied planet and I grew up malnourished, so fun stories all around. Yes. So anyways, it sounds like the Gigorans would have less people in their gang and therefore easier to capture.”
CAMERON: “But they’re also not here on planet.”
LAURA: “Yes, but they will be here.”
CAMERON: “Potentially, if they choose to come and fetch another Gigoran for their quartet-ish sized group.”
LAURA: “So we can party until they get here, we can run a few jobs before they get here, we can do both. Usually there is an overlap. No one else wants to do that? Tink, you don’t want to go party? Maybe steal some things?”
HUDSON: “Go potty?”
CAMERON: (emphasized) “Party.”
HUDSON: “I don’t need to go, actually. I’m fine.”
LAURA: “No, to a party, you know, lights and music and…”
HUDSON: “That’s actually real fancier than what I go to.”
CAMERON: “Tink. Party.”
HUDSON: “Oh. Okay. Yeah. I would go to a party, I guess. I mean, will there be drinking there?”
LAURA: “Probably, yes.”
LAURA: “That is how you steal things. You wait until they are drunk and then you take them.”
HUDSON: “We’re not stealing things. We’re going to what seems like a party.”
LAURA: “Yes. You can do both. You can go to a party and steal things from it at the same time.”
HUDSON: “Just be moral for one day for me.”
LAURA: “(huffs) Fine. You are a hacker! Your entire job is illegal. What do you mean telling me to be moral?”
HUDSON: “Well no, it’s like the greater good though.”
LAURA: “But you- You just steal things- You are also a thief if you really think about it. You are stealing things just digitally.”
HUDSON: “Listen. You wouldn’t download a whole ship, would you?”
LAURA: “If I could, yes.”
CAMERON: “Do I have a 3D printer large enough to print it?”
HUDSON: “Oh… We could maybe get a new ship. What if we put a 3D printer on our ship to make little ships, and then we can sell our ships and become a dealership?”
CAMERON: “Whaaat?” (laughs)
HUDSON: “Oh wait, a dealership-ship.”
CAMERON: “A dealership-ship. Yeah!” (laughs)
NICK: I was gonna say, I just want to pause and appreciate that legit good pun that you made.
LAURA: “Okay. How much are the printers? Because apparently I can’t just go steal one.”
HUDSON: “No. That would be wrong. How much are they? I actually haven’t looked in a while.”
CAMERON: (laughing) “If you’re trying to print a ship it’s gonna be a really freaking expensive 3D printer.”
LAURA: ‘No, it just prints the smaller pieces and then assemble.”
CAMERON: (laughing) “That’s way too much work.”
HUDSON: “Yeah, that does sound like a lot of work, unless we hire workers, but then they might unionize…”
LAURA: “They should unionize!”
CAMERON: “Tink, I feel like you’re thinking way too far into this dealership-ship idea.”
LAURA: “Unions are good for the people.”
HUDSON: “Mm. I guess.”
LAURA: “People should be able to protect themselves from corporations.”
CAMERON: “It’s true.”
HUDSON: “To a point…”
LAURA: “No. Unions are good, Tink.”
HUDSON: “Fine. I’m clearly not…”
CAMERON: (smiling) ‘Tink, do you like the Empire?”
LAURA: “Yeah. What are your feelings on the Empire? Because apparently you are anti-union, so…”
HUDSON: “It’s- Okay. The Empire… So about them.”
HUDSON: “I grew up in the Empire so I appreciate—“
LAURA: “We all did.”
HUDSON: “yeah, I know. I’m just saying, me personally, I did, so—“
LAURA: “But we all did.” (laughs)
HUDSON: “(gritted teeth) It’s a part of my story. So, I can appreciate what they’re trying to do here, but they’re going about it all wrong.”
LAURA: “What do you mean you can appreciate what they are trying to do?”
CAMERON: “What are they trying to do?”
LAURA: “Besides the genocide.”
HUDSON: “Unite the galaxy.”
LAURA: “But the genocide, and the occupation, and…”
HUDSON: “Oh yeah. That’s why I said they’re going about it wrong. Wrong is genocide.”
LAURA: “Okay, um…”
NICK: I think we just got our first t-shirt for the show.
CAMERON: Wrong Is Genocide.
HUDSON: (laughs) No~
LAURA: “No. Maybe the planets should have a choice on whether or not they are in an organization. You know, maybe kind of how the Republic was without all the corruption.”
HUDSON: Without telling you guys I changed my data pad ringtone to like the Kim Possible (stinger), so my data pad goes off, (stinger), and uh…
LAURA: “And what is that?”
HUDSON: “Whoa! GGG just contacted me!”
NICK: No, they, didn’t.
HUDSON: Damn it!
LAURA: That’s not how this game works, Hudson! Hudson!
HUDSON: I was trying.
NICK: It was a good try. Now you have to figure out how to fake a phone call with what you’re gonna do from there.
CAMERON: (laughs) You hold your data pad up to your ear. ‘Hello?’ It’s comically large.
HUDSON: “Hello? This is Tink.”
LAURA: Xianna leans over to Karma. “Um, the screen is not even on.”
CAMERON: “Well also his communicator is in his ear, so I don’t know what he’s doing with his data pad.” (laughs)
HUDSON: “Oh, I wish I could refinance, but I don’t even have anything I own that much.”
LAURA: “I don’t think his data pad even takes calls.”
CAMERON: “Nope. Probably not.”
HUDSON: ‘Oh? Okay!”
CAMERON: (smiling) “I don’t know what he’s doing. He may have gotten awkwarded out by our Empire interrogation.”
LAURA: “So, anyways…”
CAMERON: “Do we wanna go after the Slippery Nerfs and then go party?”
LAURA: “Wait, I thought there was a bigger gang. I don’t want to take down like 14 people.”
CAMERON: “But they’re not here today. But you just said you had grenades. Their bounty is dead or alive.”
LAURA: “I did , so if we can get them all in one single room we can just throw some grenades in.”
CAMERON: “I kind of feel like it’s gonna be more of a pasture situation.”
HUDSON: “(gasps) I have grenades!”
CAMERON: “But we can also potentially have barbecue if we catch a couple of nerfs in the explosions.”
LAURA: “True. So we dig a pit, and then we push them all into it, and then throw grenades in. that is all I got. This is not my area of expertise. Usually I am dealing in one-on-one, sometimes two-on-two situations.”
HUDSON: “(exhales) Gross.”
LAURA: “And sometimes I steal things. Heh.”
CAMERON: “… Tink.”
LAURA: “Tink, okay, love between consenting adults is a very beautiful thing. Okay?”
HUDSON: “I agree. It’s just with you… Uh, what I- Okay. So listen everyone.”
CAMERON: (laughs) Can you hear the looks that Laura and I are giving him?
HUDSON: “I got this knife,” and I hold up my comically small knife, “and I got these ‘nades.”
LAURA: “Oh, I am not into that.”
HUDSON: “… What?”
LAURA: “What?” (laughs)
HUDSON: “I got these ‘nades, so we can go ahead and take them on.”
LAURA: “yes. We have grenades. Okay. we just want to make sure they are grouped together so when we throw grenades we make the most out of, you know, the explosion.”
HUDSON: “We could just throw some money in the middle of them so they all try to go after it like if a slot machine is spilling coins.”
LAURA: “That does not actually work. I have tried that.”
CAMERON: “What if we dress Tink up as a nerf?”
HUDSON: “Wait. They would try to herd me, but then you would herd grenades my way.”
LAURA: ‘So let’s go steal someone else’s nerfs…”
LAURA: “…and then use it as bait.”
HUDSON: “Can you ride a nerf?”
LAURA: “You can, technically.”
CAMERON: “Technically, yeah.”
HUDSON: “Are they not very fast?”
LAURA: “No. They are herd animals. They just kind of sit there and eat grass.”
CAMERON: They’re space yaks.
HUDSON: “Hmm. Alright.”
CAMERON: “We could get speeders though.”
HUDSON: “Let’s get speeders. That’s fun. Even if we don’t run into them we can just race around, I mean there’s some good areas to just kind of glide.”
CAMERON: (laughs) “That’s true. Go check out the scenery.”
LAURA: “Do we have to?”
HUDSON: “What’s wrong with that?”
CAMERON: (laughs) “I mean, if you want to stay here, I’m not feeling super great about taking on 15 Selkath with just my carbine, but I could probably manage it.”
LAURA: (reluctantly) “Okay… I’ll do it. (huffs)”
HUDSON: “Alright. I’m ready.”
LAURA: “Can we get ice cream afterwards?”
CAMERON: “Obviously, yes.”
NICK: And we cut to… You are on the north side of Nerftown. There is a rental barn there, and there are a couple of options. They have some speeders that are like cars that you could all three sit in and one could drive. They’ve got speeder bikes which are faster but don’t provide you any cover or anything. There’s also a corral around back with some Dewbacks that are making giant lizard noises and running into each other. It just kind of depends on what you want to rent.
LAURA: “Is anyone good at driving land vehicles? I’m not.”
CAMERON: “I have some skills in it, and we know from our adventures on Unroola Dawn that Tink is an excellent speeder pilot.”
LAURA: “I don’t… Huh.”
HUDSON: Now, you said Duons?
HUDSON: Dewbacks. Now, the question I have on whether or not we’re gonna get those are when are they due back?
NICK: The proprietor of the rental facility polishes his spectacles. He’s an old, skinny guy. He just looks at you with zero sense of humor. “Well, it’s a daily rate, but we’ll see what we can do.”
HUDSON: “That’s exactly what I wanted to hear.”
NICK: “Are you coming on to me?”
HUDSON: (laughs) “No, not at all. I can’t believe you would even think that, actually.”
NICK: (smiling) “It’s been a long time…”
HUDSON: (inhales) “Ehh, let’s get—Okay. Actually, we gotta get speeders.”
LAURA: “But do we want individual speeders or one big speeder?”
HUDSON: “I think we should do one big speeder.”
HUDSON: “Wow. I’m in charge here.”
LAURA: “No. We just agree.”
HUDSON: “The person in charge pays.”
CAMERON: (laughs) “That’s true.”
LAURA & CAMERON: “Okay! You’re in charge.”
LAURA: “I don’t think he has any money, but okay.”
NICK: We’ll skip this part, but you manage to negotiate a 50 Credit deal. You’ll have the speeder as long as you need it. We get a quick shot of the desk and you’re signing paperwork and things. “You know, for another 25 Credits you can get the full coverage insurance.”
HUDSON: “Can I see the paperwork on that?”
NICK: “Sure,” and he slides it over to you. What are you looking for in this paperwork?
HUDSON: One of those really stupid clauses they always put in there about how you have to show proof that someone got hurt, or you have to like, if there’s an illness, there’s only a handful of things that will allow you to actually bring the car back.
NICK: So, this one is actually fairly clause-free. The only thing it doesn’t protect against is a speeder totaling explosion. If the whole thing turned into a burned out skeleton of a speeder and had nothing left you would get stuck with potentially paying for it, but if it takes damage in any way or anything like that you don’t have to pay for it.
HUDSON: I laugh a little and say, “You want to give us insurance? Alright.”
NICK: “Why is that funny?” (laughs) And we cut to you all driving north of Nerftown in a speeder. It looks exactly like the one from A New Hope that Luke drives around, it’s just like an open top convertible with some jets on it that flies low enough that you can’t tell if there’s wheels on it or not.
HUDSON: Is it the same color as in the movie? Because I love that color.
NICK: yeah, that brownie red streaky color.
HUDSON: Yeah. I had that toy as a kid.
NICK: I did too.
LAURA: I think we might still have it.
LAURA: It might be in the box.
CAMERON: It blends in great with the lush countryside.
NICK: Well, I mean, it’s gold and this is kind of reddish, it’s not super camouflage, but it’s not like bright yellow or anything.
LAURA: It’s a complementary color.
CAMERON: (valley girl voice) We look good.
NICK: The art director was really happy about it. So, we get a scene of you all pulling up to a low rise. You can see miles and miles, and kilometers of sweeping grassland. It looks relatively featureless. Karma, would you like to attempt to track this gang?
CAMERON: It seems like a smart move.
CAMERON: What do I roll to do that?
NICK: I would take Perception, Survival would be really good.
LAURA: Also, could Xianna help, and put on her scanner goggles, and scan for things? And while I’m saying this, Tink you have a, like, scanner…
CAMERON: (laughing) Life sign scanner.
LAURA: …or Hudson, yeah. Tink has a scanner thing.
HUDSON: I always forget that. Where is it?
LAURA: It’s in your item sheet!
NICK: It only scans for life signs and motion sensors now.
HUDSON: That’s right.
LAURA: But it could scan for the life signs, or maybe they also have a motion sensor.
CAMERON: I would like to use Perception since I have that.
NICK: That’s fine. We get a shot of Xianna standing on the hood of the speeder with her scanner goggles, and it does the shot with the (buzzing) noise as the looks at the horizon. Karma bends down and puts some dirt between her fingers and squints at it because she’s tracking. Tink whips out his—
HUDSON: Cryoncorp Enhancescan Scanner!
NICK: … Great. It looks like a laser toy from a store with a big screen on it, and the screen is just a bunch of screwed in lightbulbs because it’s 70s technology. You look at it, and you turn it on for life signs, and the whole thing lights up with red dots, everywhere.
NICK: Yeah. It’s probably not gonna do you a ton of good, because this place is covered in cows.
HUDSON: I just hit it a couple times thinking it’s broken.
NICK: (laughs) Yeah. It shorts out and turns off.
HUDSON: Awh. Well, there’s that. “Guys, my thing broke.”
CAMERON: “How so?”
HUDSON: “It just wasn’t working so I hit it a few times, and then it turned off.”
CAMERON: “Well yeah, that is not the way to—You should know that doesn’t always fix technology.”
HUDSON: “A lot of the time it does.”
LAURA: “Yes. It is only like 60% of the time.”
CAMERON: “How hard were you hitting it, though?”
HUDSON: “I was hitting it like not super hard.”
LAURA: “Yeah, that is how you do that.”
CAMERON: “Okay. It should be fine then.”
HUDSON: “Yeah. It’ll probably be fine. It might just need to cool off.”
NICK: You have to put it in some rice.
CAMERON: (laughing) That makes no sense.
LAURA: “Yeah, you put it in rice and then it dries out.”
HUDSON: “I think you put it in dust.”
CAMERON: (sarcastically) “If you hit it too hard you put it in rice and then it dries out.”
NICK: That always fixes most technology.
CAMERON: “And then you put it in the microwave, and it charges.”
LAURA: “No, you put it on a nice little pillow and let it rest.”
CAMERON: Anyway! Heh.
NICK: This is going to be an average check.
CAMERON: Xianna is helping, right?
LAURA: I have 4 Cunning.
CAMERON: And 2 Perception, right?
LAURA: yeah, 2 Perception.
CAMERON: Cool. Let’s do that.
NICK: It’s also going to have a black die on it because this trail is kind of old.
CAMERON: No it’s not! Because I’m an Expert Tracker! (smiling)
NICK: And what does that do~?
CAMERON: Let’s me remove a black die when I try and track shit!
NICK: Oh shucks, foiled again.
CAMERON: It also decreases the time to track a target by half.
NICK: Yeah, so that’s gonna be really cool.
CAMERON: Yup. Hopefully. (snickers)
CAMERON: That shouldn’t happen. This is very unlikely. An advantage. Three of the dice are just blank.
LAURA: I just keep pointing out nerfs. Heh. I just keep going around, “Ooh! Karma! Look at that nerf. It is bigger than the rest. Ooh! Look at those two. They are like rubbing their faces together. it is so cute! Look at it~”
CAMERON: “Oh my gosh! Look! It’s a baby nerf!”
LAURA: “(gasps) Tink, look at the baby nerf!”
HUDSON: “I’m looking at the chocolate moo nerf.”
LAURA: “They’re all chocolate moo nerfs. Nerfs are brown. They are all … chocolate … nerfs.”
NICK: There’s a strawberry nerf that’s got like tawny red hair.
HUDSON: “(gasps) Ooh! Strawberry nerf.”
CAMERON: Karma’s looking back and forth between them. she’s pretty sure that they know that’s not how milk works.
NICK: Karma’s having flashbacks to taking Jet and Juke on a tracking mission when they were like seven.
CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs)
LAURA: They’re like, ‘So but if they’re all brown, why is the milk blue? Where are the blue nerfs? Mom, I wanna see the blue nerfs!’ Heh.
CAMERON: (laughing) ‘Shut up. Mommy’s working.’
LAURA: ‘Blue nerf! Blue nerf!’
NICK: I did have a plan for if this check failed. As you’re arguing about nerf milk flavors you see a dust cloud on the far horizon. You guess it’s probably about ten kilometers away. You’re not sure if it has anything to do with who you’re hunting, but you figure… Xianna, you’ve probably been cow tipping before, right?
LAURA: I’ve been something tipping.
CAMERON: You’ve been rancore tipping.
NICK: Ooh, that’s dangerous.
LAURA: Oh! What are the things they have on Ryloth? They ride them in Rebels… Aw shit. They kind of look like little T-Rex fish things.
NICK: Yeah. I don’t remember what those are called.
LAURA: What are those? So not nerfs, but Ryloth has blurrgs. They’re like these weird little T-Rex fish things that they ride around on, and they are not as cute as you’d think they’d be based on that description. You wait for them to fall asleep and then you run up and you push them over… and that’s it. That’s what blurrg tipping is.
NICK: (laughs) Okay.
LAURA: And then you run away before they can bite you.
NICK: Yeah. So, at least one time that you did this you started a stampede, and it’s the same kind of arid dirt—Ryloth has less grass—but this cloud you’re seeing in the far distance seems very similar to a lot of beasts of burden running away at once which you’ve seen before. You figure there’s probably a big herd of nerfs that way, and you got no other leads right now.
LAURA: So, I point towards the cloud. “Ooh! There is a dust cloud over there. That often means there is some sort of stampede or large herd of animals running around.”
CAMERON: “From what I’ve seen of nerfs they don’t tend to run, so it’s probably that they’re being herded by…”
LAURA: ‘I mean, probably.”
CAMERON: “…Slippery Nerfs, maybe.”
HUDSON: “That could be true. I have a question about your tipping experience.”
HUDSON: “When you tip these animals, is it at least 15%?”
LAURA: “I mean, I try to go 20% just because you know often they are not paid the full minimum wage, and you know…”
NICK: We cut to you all in the speeder…
CAMERON & HUDSON: (laughs)
NICK: …headed that direction really fast, and Xianna is still explaining her tipping theory to Tink. Tink, you’re driving?
CAMERON: “Should you be driving, Tink?”
HUDSON: I have 2 in Piloting: Planetary.
LAURA: I have 0 in Piloting: Planetary.
CAMERON: And what’s your Agility?
CAMERON: Can I co-pilot?
NICK: Not in this kind of speeder. It’s just got the one steering wheel.
HUDSON: “I’ll pilot! We’ll be fine!”
CAMERON: Okay, yeah, because I’m more agile but I only have 1 in Planetary.
NICK: Tink, we get a shot of the speeder, and Xianna is happily explaining how she likes to tip the service industry, and you punch it, the speeder goes flying off the screen, and you come up very quickly on a herd of nerfs that is being herded by a group of beings. They’re mostly wrapped up, it’s hard to see what they are, and they’re on speeder bikes and they have blaster pistols that they’re shooting in the air occasionally. The nerfs look terrified, and they are moving pretty quick. You have to keep the speeder at about 60% thrust to keep up with them, so these nerfs are moving a lot faster than you would expect. What do you do?
CAMERON: As we start approaching, “Tink, slow down a little bit. We don’t want to actually ‘meet up’ with them.”
HUDSON: “What?! Speed up?!”
NICK: Yeah. Flip me a dark side point. I’ll play this game. Tink punches it and you end up right next to the back of the herd. There are two creatures. Up close you can see they are Selkath, but they’re wearing big goggles and basically space cowboy outfits, and they turn to look at you in unison.
LAURA: Xianna waves.
CAMERON: Karma shoots one. (laughs)
NICK: (laughs) Okay. Make me a Cool check please.
CAMERON: A success and two advantages.
NICK: Can you roll me two green dice please?
CAMERON: Three advantages.
NICK: Alright. You get the drop on them. They still look baffled. Go ahead and take your shot. It’s gonna be close range, so that’s only one difficulty, but you will have two black dice because you are in a very fast speeder which is kind of lurching around.
HUDSON: My melee weapon is gonna do great in this scenario.
CAMERON: (laughing) You’re the driver. Don’t do anything else.
LAURA: I offered you a gun.
HUDSON: I got ‘nadies.
NICK: You do have a gun.
HUDSON: I do.
CAMERON: You have an Imperial light blaster.
HUDSON: I literally would just shoot one of us. That’s how bad I am with it.
CAMERON: However, I get to add a blue die per rank of Quick Strike to combat checks against targets that have not acted yet this encounter, so I also get a blue die because I’m going first.
CAMERON: I felt like I had something that did something cool.
NICK: That’s very cool.
CAMERON: Ha-ha! My blaster is on stun. That is three successes, two advantages, and a triumph.
NICK: Three successes, two advantages, and a triumph. What’s the crit rating on yours?
NICK: Okay. How much damage does your gun do?
CAMERON: Nine, so that will be 12 stun damage.
NICK: Wow. Okay. So you’re able to clear both of them off just with the damage alone.
NICK: So, what does that look like as you just quickdraw and take these two out before they can do anything? Also, this episode is gonna need some badass like cowboy horse chase music for this part. (laughs)
CAMERON: Yeehaw. So, Karma’s in the backseat and it’s one of the long backseats, we obviously have a convertible speeder since it’s the same one from A New Hope. I’ve had my gun in my lap because it’s normally on my back, so if I’m sitting in the speeder it’s good. I want to use my Quickdraw to unbuckle my seatbelt so I have freedom of movement.
NICK: Oh cool.
CAMERON: So, Xianna waves at the one on the left, and I shoot the one on the right, and then slide to the other side of the backseat and get the one on the left who kind of is waving back slightly, is kind of confused, and then just falls off of his speeder.
NICK: And, you took them out fast enough I don’t have to try to make Selkath noises yet. Thank you for that.
CAMERON: Ah-ha! You’re welcome.
NICK: We definitely have the shot of Tink’s fur blowing straight behind him, Xianna’s lekku are… well, are you sitting on them or are they blowing in the breeze?
LAURA: I mean, they’re probably behind my back, so a little sitting. Yeah.
NICK: Okay. They’re mostly locked down, but Karma stood up so her head tentacles are like flapping behind her, and she quickshots, bam-bam, and down they go. They fall off of their speeders, they go rolling, if you would like you could spend that triumph so that the rest of the group doesn’t notice.
CAMERON: Just the stampede is so loud that my blaster fire just blends in, and the bikes just slowly die down and back off so they don’t notice.
NICK: Yeah, and for the first time in Star Wars history the speeder bikes don’t explode into fireballs when someone looks at them funny, which is lucky. You stun those guys, they hit the ground going really fast and they ragdoll around, they may be alive still. Questionable. Hard to tell. They hit pretty hard.
CAMERON: It’s their own fault for falling off of the speeders. I just stunned them.
NICK: Some of the nerfs towards the back see that the two people at the far back herding are gone, and they kind of look up and moo, and the back of the herd starts to trickle past you as they slow down. Your speeder is discouraging the whole herd from stopping but some of them are giving off, so the herd is starting to shrink a little bit. Would y’all like to make a Perception check to kind of see how this situation looks now?
CAMERON: (laughing) Yes. What difficulty would the Perception check be?
NICK: This one’s gonna be average, but there is gonna be a black die on it because of all the dust that’s getting kicked up and because there are nerfs in the way.
HUDSON: That is a wash.
NICK: You got nothing?
LAURA: What were the black dice for?
NICK: The dust and the amount of nerfs that make it hard to see through.
LAURA: Can I remove one of those because I have my scanner goggles on, so it’s just the nerfs that are the issue?
NICK: Sure. Yeah. You can take the die away then, because –
CAMERON: It was just one black die for the two reasons.
LAURA: Oh, just one? Okay. yeah.
NICK: Yeah. Take it off.
LAURA: And, I need difficulty.
NICK: Yeah, probably.
CAMERON: (snickers) Nah!
LAURA: Yeah. Oh my goodness. So that’s… six successes and two threats.
CAMERON: And Karma got four successes and one threat.
NICK: Okay. We definitely get this really cool shot of Xianna leaning out of the side of the speeder with her scanner goggles on, and she gets a big smile on her face and she starts marking targets. Karma, you’re right there too, you’re using your rifle and looking around. You don’t have a scope on it, but you tend to target. You all are very quickly able to recognize these things: The herd is probably about 90 nerfs. It was about 100, ten of them have started to fall off, but the ones up front haven’t spread out yet so it’s good. It’s kind of like gak in a funnel situation, like it’s gonna go real slow, but… Anyway. That’s not a great metaphor. What you see is there is this big herd ahead of you, at about 10 and 2 o’clock there are two more Selkath on speeders, and then on the 11 and 1 o’clock stage up around towards the very front of the herd there are two groups of four, one on the left and one on the right. That seems to be everybody you can see. They all look like they’re Selkath. They’re variably armed. Most of them have blaster pistols. Yeah, that’s what you’re dealing with. You’ve taken out two so far. If you’re trying to pick up live bounties you’ll have to go find them later.
CAMERON: Yeah. (laughs) Karma leans forward over Tink’ shoulder, hits him on the shoulder so he kind of is aware that she’s there, and then just points right since talking to him apparently does not work.
HUDSON: I swerve right.
NICK: (swoosh noise)
NICK: Go ahead and make me a Piloting check, Tink.
HUDSON: I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without making one.
NICK: Yeah, I’ve been nice so far.
HUDSON: What difficulty?
NICK: Average. You’re gonna get a series of options based on how you do.
HUDSON: A failure… (pause).
NICK: Well, okay. With a failure you pull up next to this Selkath on the right. You see him pretty easily. You start to maneuver to where you’re right behind him and he can’t see you, and then you hit a bump and you end up pulling up right next to him. He looks at you, and basically his weird fish eyes get real big and he pulls a hold out blaster and tries to shoot you with it before anyone’s able to react, because you hit that bump hard enough that everyone’s jostled a little. Can you make me a one green die against one purple die check?
CAMERON: Sure. An advantage.
NICK: Okay. He shoots and misses, you duck out of the way, and he immediately without seeing whether he hit Tink or the speeder or anything he guns it and he starts to rush up towards one of the bigger groups up front. What do you do?
CAMERON: I wanna shoot him.
NICK: Okay. It’s gonna be medium range, so it’s gonna be an average check, but with two black dice; one for all the dust and how hard it is to see, and another one because this person is on a speedy motorcycle going away from you very fast and he’s ducking low.
CAMERON: Karma takes aim, ha-ha-ha, adds a blue die, and then sighs wistfully thinking of how awesome it’s gonna be to have her upgraded carbine in a few days. I got a success and two advantages, which is 10 stun damage.
NICK: Yeah. You are able to shoot him off. The speeder bike continues to go forward, and I’m gonna say it bumps into the group of four ahead of you, and everybody roll initiative! This is gonna be Vigilance.
CAMERON: (smiling) I’d like my advantages to be so that doesn’t happen.
NICK: We’ll say the advantages are it doesn’t bump them, hang on to the initiative roll, we’re negotiating now. You have…?
CAMERON: (laughs) Sorry. Two advantages.
NICK: Your two advantages are that it goes off to the side. Can you make me a two green versus two purple Perception check on the part of this group of bikers to see if they notice this bike go by?
CAMERON: Do they get a black die because there’s a lot of dust and nerfs?
NICK: They sure do.
LAURA: Also, the groups of four, those are four individual speeders not one?
NICK: To clarify, they are all on speeder bikes, like cool people.
CAMERON: That is a total wash.
NICK: Okay. They don’t notice shit.
NICK: What is your game plan now?
LAURA: Xianna’s actually gonna snort some impact, and then pull out her gun…
NICK: That’s gotta be hard to do in a speeding open top car.
LAURA: No, no, that’s why they’re in little baggies.
CAMERON: Also, she’s in the front seat. She’s got a windshield right there.
LAURA: Yeah. I’ve got the windshield. That’s why you put it in the little baggie so then you can take the little baggie and put it right up to your nose.
NICK: Oh, like a feedbag, of course.
LAURA: Like a feedbag, but for drugs.
CAMERON: Great. (laughs)
LAURA: Because Xianna is a responsible drug user.
LAURA: (laughs) No, it’s a problem, and this will manifest at some point, but not today.
LAURA: And she also draws her gun and shoots at someone.
NICK: You’re shooting at the group up ahead?
LAURA: Whoever is closest, yeah.
NICK: Okay. Right now you’re probably… If you see the nerf herd as the clock in the middle, you’re at about 4 o’clock. There’s a group of four on this side that’s at about 1 o’clock. You could hit them, they’re at about medium range now, or you could try to get Tink to drive you closer first.
LAURA: I might wait for Tink to drive a little bit closer.
NICK: Do you motion for him to do so?
LAURA: Yeah. I have like one hand holding my little baggie and then the other hand is motioning to move forward.
NICK: ‘Get me closer! I wanna use my sword!’
CAMERON: (snickers) Gosh!
LAURA: “(sniffs) No Tink, no, drive closer!”
HUDSON: “Oh! Got it!”
LAURA: “You don’t shoot them! You drive!”
HUDSON: “I said nothing about shooting them!”
CAMERON: Karma says into her coms. “Y’all, just turn your coms on, this isn’t safe.”
HUDSON: “… Oh.”
HUDSON: I turn my coms on. I drive closer.
NICK: Okay. Make me a Piloting check.
NICK: Piloting: Planetary to be specific.
HUDSON: What difficulty?
HUDSON: One advantage.
NICK: Dang. Okay. Would you like to spend your advantage to give her a blue die on her shot?
HUDSON: Ha, yeah.
NICK: Alright. You drive right into the middle of the group of four.
NICK: The two on the edge hear you coming and spread out so you don’t hit them with the speeder, because they are on speeder bikes. If you had succeeded on any of these checks I would have given you the chance to just hit them, like it looked like you were going to, but you haven’t so good job. They spread out. I’m gonna say that Xianna’s gonna get the first shot, but they’re all very fully aware of you at this point. Do you wanna try and shoot some of them?
LAURA: Yeah. I’m gonna try and shoot one.
NICK: Alright. You’re at close range now, but you don’t have any black dice because you’re wearing scanner goggles and because there are no nerfs in between you and these speeder bikers.
LAURA: Close range is one?
CAMERON: Yeah. You should aim and take another blue, too.
LAURA: Oh yeah. I’ll also aim. Three successes, one advantage, so that’s 9 damage.
NICK: Okay. You’re able to take two of them out pretty easily. If there are two on either side of the backseat and two in front of the speeder right now, which two do you shoot?
LAURA: The two in front of the speeder.
NICK: Okay. We get (shooting noises) and they fly off. They hit the front of the speeder and you get a (thump-thump) and then you go over them. The speeder bikes drift off. One of them drifts into the herd of nerfs.
LAURA: “Oh no.”
NICK: It doesn’t explode, but you hear a lot of distressed mooing as they continue to run. The other two see you and are noticeably concerned, obviously, and now we’re gonna roll initiative.
CAMERON: Cool or Vigilance?
NICK: This will be Vigilance at this point, although dang, well executed for the first half of this. That was very impressive.
CAMERON: Ha-ha! Thanks.
LAURA: We got the same roll.
HUDSON: What are the odds~?
LAURA: Hudson and I both have one success and three advantages.
CAMERON: (smiling) You guys… karma also has one success and three advantages. (laughs)
HUDSON: Oh my goodness.
LAURA: (smiling) We’re a team!
HUDSON: We all go at the same time every time.
NICK: Can you roll me two green dice?
CAMERON: Three successes, one advantage.
LAURA: That’s the opposite.
NICK: And can you roll me one green die?
CAMERON: One success.
NICK: And can you roll me four green dice?
CAMERON: One success, three advantages.
NICK: You have all these great advantages for your initiative roll. Is there anything about the situation that you would like to add to make the scene more interesting or give you some, I hate to say, advantages in this fight?
CAMERON: Who all is aware of us right now?
NICK: That speeder that started rolling into the group, that drew their attention.
CAMERON: The other five? The four and the one?
NICK: Mm-hmm. Also we’re down to about 60 nerfs at this point, because they’re starting to fall off. It was only a matter of time before they noticed you.
CAMERON: Okay. We have a lot of advantages.
HUDSON: Yeah. We need to think of some other stuff. They’re on motorcycles, right? Basically space motorcycles.
LAURA: Ooh. Can the nerfs start panicking a little bit more so they’re bumping into their speeders which makes it shaky, so they have black dice?
NICK: On driving over to you? Sure. We can make that happen. They’ll have to make a check to get there and it’s gonna be a not so easy check. You have nine advantages to work with. That one’s gonna be pretty big because it could kill them, so I’ll say that’s five out of the nine. The nerfs are getting aggressive.
HUDSON: Any more advantages we can use?
CAMERON: Four more.
LAURA: What time of day is it?
NICK: It should be noon-ish.
CAMERON: (laughing) yeah. We ate breakfast and then we drove out here.
LAURA: Oh yeah. I mean, I don’t know how long it takes us to eat breakfast.
CAMERON: Several hours.
HUDSON: Can their speeders be like a model that’s really shitty so that the engine and gas tank is very exposed in the back?
NICK: Hell yeah. I’m down for that. Yes, they’re riding like lawnmower type things. It’s just got a glowing thing that says Weak Point on it, Do Not Step.
CAMERON: Everyone who had the really nice speeders are the ones we already shot.
NICK: Yeah. Those were the leaders. So first up is the group that rolled the best, the two NPCs that are on either side of your speeder currently. They look like they’re saying something in Selkath but you can’t hear them over the noise of all of the nerfs.
CAMERON: How convenient.
NICK: Yeah. They both take blaster pistols and they go to shoot at Xianna, because she’s the one that shot at their friends, and it’s gonna be two green dice. We’re using mass combat rules! Well, the mob rules anyway.
CAMERON: Woo! They’re at close range?
NICK: Yup. They get a black die for all the nerf dust. Yeah, roll it up and let’s see what they get.
CAMERON: An advantage!
NICK: Great. They shoot. You all are able to duck and cover in your speeder, because you got a speeder that specifically had things you could hide behind. Smart move. What they do is some of their shots go wide and it makes it very obvious exactly where they are, so they’re gonna give a blue die to whichever NPC group tries to head towards you on their navigation check, because they know exactly where they’re going. Up next we’ve got another NPC slot. This is the group of one. He was one of the vanguard so he’s on the back side of the herd, and he’s going to try and cut straight across to you so he can do it in one movement, and so he is going to have to make a Piloting check. He gets two green and it is going to be an average check. Yup. Why two black dice?
CAMERON: One for nerf dust and one for angry nerfs?
NICK: Yeah. That works. … Aw buddy.
CAMERON: Two failures and three advantages.
NICK: Oh. Okay, so we get this shot from the point of view of this Selkath bandit. He cuts straight through this herd. A lot of them are starting to slow down so you see like vroom, vroom, cut left, cut right, and he’s going straight towards where the blaster fire is happening. You see this massive bull nerf and it appears out of the herd. You just see this giant four-horned yak head coming towards the screen, and then the camera snaps out and you just hear (angry mooing, impact noise), and there’s a little explosion. That guy did not make it. He took a high risk move and failed. Next up we have a PC slot.
HUDSON: I’m gonna keep driving, but don’t use that as a slot.
LAURA: I’m gonna shoot someone.
LAURA: What range would be the closest person to me?
NICK: There are still the two on either side of you that were shooting at you. They are close range. They’re right next to the car. Speeder, my mistake. (singing) There aren’t no cars in Star Wars~
LAURA: I rolled two successes and three advantages.
LAURA: (gasps) I crit!
NICK: Nice! These are mobs, so you can just straight kill one of them with a crit.
LAURA: Yeah. I do 8 damage and then… yeah.
NICK: Well, they have 5 HP a piece, so that takes out both of them.
LAURA: I want it to be that they line up and I aim and shoot and it goes through both of them.
NICK: Wow. Cool.
LAURA: And then I look at Tink and go, ‘Tink! That was really cool. Heh. Did you see that?”
HUDSON: “No, I didn’t see anything. What?”
LAURA: “Ah, damn it, Tink. (whines) It was so cool!”
LAURA: “No! Tink, we are on coms now. What is happening?”
HUDSON: “Oh. I turned it off. (huffs) Okay.”
CAMERON: “Are you serious?”
HUDSON: “It’s on now.”
NICK: Okay, so, we’re to another PC slot.
HUDSON: I can go.
CAMERON: Xianna just killed the two on either side of us, right? It’s just the four on the opposite side of the nerf clock?
NICK: Yup. There’s just one big group of dudes.
CAMERON: “Tink, can you drive over to those dudes?”
HUDSON: “Yeah, sure!”
CAMERON: Alright. (laughs) You’re gonna have to pilot.
HUDSON: Yeah. What’s the difficulty?
NICK: Average, but there’s also a black die because there are angry nerfs.
CAMERON: ‘Hey Tink, you’ve got this.’ I give him a Bardic Inspiration.
NICK: Wrong game system~
HUDSON: Crap. I almost took a blue die because I thought you were doing something for reals.
HUDSON: Oh. That’s what… Oh. Yeah. I have one failure and one threat.
NICK: Okay. (laughs) You try to cut in front of the herd and get near the other group, but you get clipped by a couple of nerfs that are still freaking out. One of the side engines starts to smoke and your speeder starts to slow down, and you’re not able to get all the way to them. You’re now in front of the herd slowing down and the herd is starting to Lion King around you, and you’re worried that if you can’t pilot away from there or be very careful that your speeder could potentially get wrecked up and you’re pretty far from town. That would be unfortunate. So, that’s what’s going on with you. Man, you tried to give Bardic Inspiration, I almost told him to mark Potential for failing a roll, this is… We’re playing too much games.
NICK: Alright! We’ve got another PC slot.
CAMERON: What range would you say we got to?
NICK: Medium range. You were at long range, but you moved far enough.
CAMERON: Okay. Karma’s gonna shoot at them.
NICK: Okay. They’re in formation.
CAMERON: Karma’s gonna aim~
NICK: They’re in formation, and they’re looking at you, and you can tell that they’re kind of talking to themselves trying to figure out how to get close to you.
CAMERON: There’s a black from nerf dust.
NICK: Yup, nerf dust.
CAMERON: One success, two advantages, so that’s only 10 damage.
NICK: You’re able to take out two of them. they’re in a box. Do you take out the two closest to you?
CAMERON: I take out the front and the back one.
NICK: Okay. I think you hit the front one and he falls off and hits the back one, and they tangle up and (explosion noise) and crash. There’s two left. They look very nervous, and they turn and use their NPC slot to just frickin’ boogie. They drive, just, left, just away.
CAMERON: My advantages are that the nerfs are like, ‘oh, all the people are gone, okay, I’m just gonna eat this grass right here,’ and the stampede stops.
NICK: Okay. Yeah. I think they were probably down to like 40 at this point. That’s part of why these two bailed, their payout isn’t worth it anymore because they haven’t captured enough of them. The rest of the nerfs just look around and we get a shot of contented moos as they settle down and go back to eating. We see this long pan shot, we see all of these nerfs that are camera close and they’re chewing and mooing at each other, and then we see two speeder bikes jetting off to the left of the screen and your slightly smoking speeder that’s kind of juttering along also driving along the horizon. We are back up to a PC slot because they used theirs to run. They used their maneuvers. They are currently at long range from you. They’ll be extremely further after this. Do you let them go or are you going after them?
LAURA: “My guns do not reach them, so someone else should shoot them or we drive closer, or we just let them get away. We still have the other ones to turn in and get money off of.”
HUDSON: “I haven’t thrown one grenade.”
CAMERON: “Because we’ve been in a speeder!”
LAURA: “Because you’ve been driving!”
HUDSON: “Ugh. I can do both.”
LAURA: “I mean, you can, but they are too far for grenades.”
HUDSON: I punch it.
NICK: Okay. Make me a Piloting check. This one is average, but with a black die because of your damaged speeder condition.
HUDSON: And a light side point which flipped does something, takes away…
CAMERON: (laughs) Upgrades.
NICK: It will make a green die into a yellow. Oh? Add a green die then.
HUDSON: Two successes.
NICK: hey! That’s enough. You’re able to pull up into… I’m trying to crib vehicle combat. Uh, you are at long range, you can get to medium range, you don’t hit anything… Yeah. That gets you to medium range. You’re keeping pace so far.
CAMERON: Karma’s gonna shoot them.
NICK: Alright. Tell me how you set up this great sniper shot in this long speed chase.
CAMERON: Karma’s just been standing in the back of the car, she probably leans down slightly, steps over it to stand into the front seat, and then just leans down on the windshield to take aim and shoots at them. There’s no more black die from nerf dust, correct?
NICK: No. Nerf dust is gone.
NICK: Although, you should have a black die because you’re trying to hit two people driving away from you full speed on a speeder.
CAMERON: But we’re going the same direction… Fine.
CAMERON: Doesn’t even matter.
NICK: Please tell me that’s three threats. (half dramatic bass noise)
CAMERON: It is not. It’s only two. Back off.
NICK: I really wanted someone to fall out of the car.
CAMERON: Nope. That is three successes, two threats, and a triumph.
NICK: Nice. We get the (heart beat noise – deep breath) … pew-pew! And both of them fall off of their speeders. The speeders just keep going into the distance before bumping to a halt. The nerfs have been rescued. Congratulations, you have taken out an entire gang of nerf hustlers on your own. What do you do now?
CAMERON: “Alright. Let’s go get those bodies.”
HUDSON: “Alright. Celebratory ‘nade!” I throw…
CAMERON: “No! Tink! Stop!”
LAURA: ‘Tink! No…”
HUDSON: I throw a grenade as we’re driving off behind us, not in front of us.
NICK: Okay. (laughs) This makes me happy so you don’t have to roll for it or anything. There’s an explosion, and all of the nerfs moo and start running in all directions. Did you throw a stun or a frag grenade?
HUDSON: Oh… Stun.
NICK: So, it just (pulses). I think it actually stuns a couple of nerfs. They (grunted moo) and they fall over. You need to collect these 12 bodies or at least a majority of them.
CAMERON: No, we’re gonna get all of them.
NICK: You’ll remember that’s what the…LAW officer said. You had to get enough of them to prove that the group was gonna disband. What I need is a perception check to make sure you can track down all the corpses you’ve left scattered over several miles of prairie.
HUDSON: Is this from all of us?
NICK: It’s gonna be one check. People can assist each other.
CAMERON: Xianna’s got the best.
LAURA: Yeah. What’s the difficulty again?
NICK: Average. I would say at least Karma was probably marking where they fell because she’s been in this situation before.
CAMERON: So you get two blue dice from us.
NICK: Because of your Stalker talent? Oh, no, because you’re helping.
CAMERON: No, because we’re helping. Uh… No, my Stalker is on Stealth and Coordination checks. If I’m helping it does take her half the time to track them and we can remove a black die.
LAURA: If this is a Streetwise check I can remove a black die.
CAMERON: (laughing) We’re not talking to anybody though. ‘Hey, excuse me nerf, have you seen a Selkath around here?’ (moo)
NICK: And the nerf is like, ‘Are you a nark?’
LAURA: That’s a triumph with a success, five additional successes, and two threats.
NICK: Okay. We’ll say the threats are that a bunch of these people died falling off the speeders. They got pretty crunched up. Still identifiable, but you didn’t have a bloodless victory here. Some of them got pretty messed up. Turns out if you throw somebody bodily off of a speeding motorcycle that it doesn’t always go well.
LAURA: “Wait. Were we supposed to bring them in alive?”
CAMERON: “Dead or alive.”
LAURA: “Okay! Um… Whatever.”
NICK: It was dead or alive. So, with all your successes and things, Xianna, you are very easily able to go, ‘Zere is one here, and here, and here,’ and I think you mark on everybody’s data pads exactly where they are and you’re able to scoop them back up. Is there anything you would want to spend that triumph on specifically?
LAURA: Ooh. Um… They have cool things in their pockets!
NICK: Yeah. I think they have some cool things in their pockets. You’re able to recover some blasters. I think you probably just collect like a flat sum of money.
NICK: You find 500 Credits combined in their pockets. I think because you’re the one who rolled you probably find the 500 Credits.
LAURA: Oh yeah. I imagine what we do is we stop the speeder, and not-Xianna puts them on the back of the speeder, but Xianna will like reach into their pockets and take everything out while they’re loading up the bodies.
NICK: It takes an hour or two. We’re getting into afternoon now. We get a good shot of the speeder. It’s kind of floating up and down and juttering a little because of the damage it’s taken, but we get this nice silhouette shot of Karma and Tink tossing bodies onto the back of this speeder in a big pile and Xianna rifling through their pockets ahead of time. You’re able to gather all 12 of them up. You don’t have any issues whatsoever. The nerfs don’t bother you.
CAMERON: Were any of the bikes still in working order when we found them?
NICK: Yeah, four of them were.
CAMERON: Cool. I’m trying to figure out if we can tow them.
NICK: If you can figure out a way to try to get them back to town…
CAMERON: We can get at least one back if Karma drives it.
HUDSON: Why would Xianna be able to?
CAMERON: Well, Xianna’s agile, you could drive one too.
LAURA: I mean, I have some agile… Yes.
NICK: But it’s also just puttering back to town. Do you think Xianna has driven a speeder bike before?
LAURA: I mean probably, she’s just not super great at it.
NICK: Can she REMEMBER driving a speeder bike before?
LAURA: Probably. There’s probably a time she actually remembers driving one. (laughs)
CAMERON: It’s okay. Karma just went through the driver’s ed book with the boys for speeders so she can help out. (laughs)
NICK: Okay. Tink drives the big speeder back to town, Karma and Xianna each take a speeder bike for bonus, and we’re gonna go just quick montage smash through this. You’re able to go back to town, drop off your speeder, luckily your insurance covers the damage.
HUDSON: Yay! “We hit a bird.”
NICK: (laughs) The guy’s like, “Well, that seems to happen a lot when people that well-armed take my speeders out.”
HUDSON: “Yep. Those birds can be dangerous, you know.”
CAMERON: “If you think we’re well-armed now… (laughs)”
NICK: Yeah. I did that out of order, because first you have to drop off the bodies.
CAMERON: Yeah. I don’t wanna carry them. (laughs)
LAURA: Oh yeah.
NICK: You swing by the LAW… office, and we get this classic western shot that they do a lot of the wagon coming into town with all of the bounties piled really high on it, so people are stopping and staring, but the atmosphere is pretty celebratory. ‘Nobody likes a nerf hustler, especially not these nerf herders,’ and everybody knows about the Slippery Nerfs. You’re able to drop them off with the bounty officer who pays you 2,000 immediately and thanks you for your time. “Thank you so much for what you’ve done for Nerftown. I really hope you choose to stick around a while. You’ve been wildly successful.”
CAMERON: “Yeah. This is just a Tuesday.”
NICK: (laughs) So, the stunned ones go in a jail cell in the back, the dead ones go in a pile in the backyard, and you’re able to drop off your speeder, and…
CAMERON: “You interested in buying some bikes?”
NICK: Are you talking to the rental guy?
NICK: ‘I might be able to put a few things together. These are particularly shitty though.” Because the nice ones blew up. (laughs)
CAMERON: No, there were at least two of them, for the first two that we killed, that just drifted back before we said that the rest of them were shitty.
NICK: Fine. They’re decent speeders.
CAMERON: (laughs) Okay.
NICK: “I can’t pay you full price, but I’ll make it worth your while, unless of course you want to keep them.” He offers you 500 apiece.
CAMERON: Would they fit on our ship?
NICK: They’d super fit.
CAMERON: Okay. Do we want speeders?
NICK: Speeders are worth more than 500. You have so much storage space.
LAURA: Yeah. We have rooms that I haven’t even labeled yet.
NICK: You could make a motor pool.
CAMERON: Cool. We’re gonna have a speeder room!
LAURA: Nineteen can be speeder room…
CAMERON: Nineteen is speeder room! Yay!
LAURA: …because it’s right by the entrance ramp with the exception of the wine/popsicle cellar.
CAMERON: Cool. “Never mind. I’ll think on it.”
NICK: “Yeah. That was a pretty bad deal.”
NICK: He just turns and shakes his head sadly at the speeder and kicks at it, and it goes )power down noises) and drops to the ground. “Great…”
CAMERON: Totally worth that 25 Credits. (laughs)
HUDSON: We turned in the bounty though before this?
HUDSON: Okay. Cool.
NICK: “There’s a lot of blood stains on the back here in the cargo compartment.”
HUDSON: “We bought the insurance, pops!”
NICK: (laughs) “Right. Right. None of my business.” And you’re able to leave. Do you celebrate your successful day? By now it’s early evening.
CAMERON: It swipe cuts to all of us just eating ice cream cones.
NICK: Oh yeah.
CAMERON: Because we promised Xianna ice cream.
LAURA: Xianna was promised ice cream! Heh. If she had to do work she wanted ice cream.
NICK: (laughs) Okay.
HUDSON: I’m enjoying my ice cream cone.
LAURA: What flavor is it?
CAMERON: This is after we drop the speeders off in the ship.
CAMERON: Karma’s eating lime ice cream, so it’s green and it matches her.
NICK: I think when you drop the speeders off the mechanic who’s working on your ship is there late and just sees you going to the ship with new speeders—
NICK: Zubo—putting speeders on and then high-fiving and walking away, and he just shakes his head and then goes back to tinkering with something. Yeah, so you’re all eating ice cream. Are you just sitting on a curb on the side of the road eating ice cream?
CAMERON: We’re watching all of the speeders go by and we’re each counting a specific color of speeder.
HUDSON: From far away you can just hear, (singing) Lida Rose I’m home, GGG!
NICK: Because they’re a barber shop quartet apparently. Oh boy.
LAURA: No! Anyway! Xianna is eating an ice cream cone! … it is salted caramel. (laughs)
LAURA: We’re not talking about any sort of singing. There’s no singing!
NICK: I’m gonna seize plot control here for a second. We get this nice view of the three of you walking back, walking down one of the wooden boardwalks on the side of the road. You’re talking to each other and you’re having a grand old time, and someone reaches out of an alley, I think Tink is walking behind Xianna and Karma, and grabs Tink and pulls him into the alley, and throws a large furry hand over his mouth. You hear a voice say, “Take a deep smell of this, brother.” Flip me one of those last dark side points… and Tink’s unconscious.
NICK: That’s all he remembers. Xianna and karma, you walk to the bed and breakfast and you’re greeted by the owner who gave you your breakfast that morning. “Good to have you back for another night, sweeties, but where’s your tall furry friend?”
NICK: You look around and Tink is nowhere to be found.
LAURA: “Oh… Huh. Weird. Well I’m going to go to sleep now.”
CAMERON: “Alright… I’ll see you in the morning.” Karma’s gonna go back out and slink down and see if she can figure out where Tink was lost. (laughs)
NICK: Okay. You do that. We get the montage of Karma looking down alleys and things.
CAMERON: She’s like opening comically small trash cans that Tink definitely would not be in.
NICK: (laughs) Yeah. You make your way back to close to the space port part, and you see a shuttle lift off. It doesn’t look like an official transport shuttle. You’re like, ‘hmm, interesting.’
CAMERON: is it green?
NICK: It does have green stripes.
CAMERON: “(gasps) Oh no!”
NICK: And we cut to Tink. You wake up tied to a chair.
HUDSON: “Whoa. What?”
NICK: A low hum around you tells you that you’re on a ship and you’re underway probably in space. In front of you are four large Gigorans. Three of them have green streaks in their fur and the largest is completely green, a light pleasant color. The largest Gigoran leans forward in his chair and sets his hand on the table in front of him. You can see a brand on the back of his left hand in the shape of a Mandalorian crest. He makes eye contact with you. His black eyes don’t blink. Then he smiles. “So I hear you’re looking for work.” End of episode!
CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you’ve enjoyed our show please consider logging into iTunes and giving us a five-star review. Five-star reviews will help new listeners to find the show and give the squad warm fuzzies when we read them.
Xianna’fan is played by Laura Penrod. She can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.
Tink is played by Hudson Jameson, and he can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.
Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.
Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.
Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.
Additional music by James Gunter.
Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad. For real, we’re real people and we want to talk to anyone who listens to the show. Reach out! See you next time.