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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 40:
Safe Travels

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Season 2, Episode 40! I’m your host and game master, Nick, and I am going for a more declarative and, uh… less questioning tone of voice for this intro! It sounds like facts, like when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

HUDSON: You’re like if a bad AI came up with someone who was way too dramatic reviewing movies on TV.

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK: Robot Video Phone gives this movie… 4 out of 7! … Let’s all go around the table and everybody say who you are and who you’re playing today starting with Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello?! My name is Cameron? And I will be playing Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter?

NICK: I… I sense some lack of assuredness from you this time.

CAMERON: I was just trying to balance out your assuredness.

NICK: Yeah, if we play both tracks at the same time, they’ll both sound, uh, normal levels of speaking tone, I suppose. [chuckles]

CAMERON: Most definitely. Yes, that’s how that works.

NICK: Last but not least, we’ve got Hudson.

HUDSON: Hey folks. You’re listening to JC and the Scooter on the live airwaves, KERX 201.7, The Cum Stain!

[pained laughter]


NICK: Well, before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

HUDSON: I’m Hudson, and I’m playing Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Oh yeah. Thanks.

CAMERON: [laughs] Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side.

LILIT: One dark side.

## Recap

NICK: So when we last left off, you all had to make an insurance claim. You had to ask to see the manager, essentially. You repaired HK and found out some facts about his past and where he came from, and he may be a 2,000 year old Force ghost of some kind trapped in a robot body.

You repaired the ship, and after speaking with Sentinel he sent you to the swamp planet of Dagobah, a very obscure, very far away planet that has nothing worth visiting except that it might have the last piece of the Shattered Force, the seventh artifact that ties them all together, and, if you were to collect all seven, have the power to control the Force itself and claim the galaxy to shape to your own will. That’s where we’re gonna start out.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on the Afternoon Delight snapping out of hyperspace above the planet Dagobah. The ship begins its descent. We see Karma in the cockpit gripping the yolk as strange turbulence and thick mist cover the viewports. Karma, roll me a hard Piloting check with three black dice.

CAMERON: Planetary or Space?

NICK: Space.

CAMERON: Two successes.

NICK: Great. The ship is rocked by turbulence that can’t be entirely explained by the weather patterns that your sensors are picking up, and you’re able to fight through it. What does it look like as you pilot the ship to a safe landing at the coordinates that you were given by Sentinel?

CAMERON: So, picture your car on a cold foggy morning where all the windows have started to fog up and it feels like there’s more moisture on the inside of your car than on the outside at this point. It doesn’t matter how high you turn up the air and blow it at the windshield, it is still becoming more humid and gross.

All of this water that’s on the ship is just making it all droopy in different ways that you normally would not associate with a spaceship being. It just kinda wiggles all the way down as Karma is constantly correcting against the small alterations needed.

NICK: As you get into the lower atmosphere, the coordinates guide you to a continent that’s in the southern hemisphere of Dagobah, but you can tell by the scans that continent is kind of a generous term. It’s like a pretty large island in the otherwise deep swamp that makes up most of this planet.

As you are setting down you hear the high ping noise of the bottom of the ship cooling rapidly after it’s heated, and the patch that Tink put onto the ship cracks and you start to get red warning lights of the hull being breeched and atmosphere rushing in from the outside. Luckily, the air is breathable, but it was a near thing to this being destroyed on the way in.

If the patch could have broken on landing, it could have been ripped free in hyperspace which would have been extremely bad, so you know you got pretty lucky there. Some of the difficulty with landing was caused by the fact that the ship isn’t shaped the way it was originally designed, really. It had a big clunky speeder door basically welded to the side of it.

The next thing we see, we do a quick wipe to the crew of the Afternoon Delight; HK, Karma, Tink and Xianna all gathered in the main atrium of the ship. The hot tub is closed. Things have been mostly organized although there are still some traces of the raiding done by the pirates while you were away. You all are prepared to explore this swamp. Has anyone changed outfits for this adventure?

HUDSON: I’m in a metallic suit, that’s kinda wrinkly and crinkles when you touch it and stuff, covering my entire body, my feet—like it’s footsie style, and yeah, I don’t want my fur to get this dirty.

NICK: Cool. Very cool.

CAMERON: Karma is wearing her normal armor and boots.

NICK: This is our first real chance after HK came back online to see what he looks like. Since he’s been upgraded, his chassis is a bit more bulky. He looks a little more heavily armored. He’s more of a sleek red and less rust-colored everywhere that he was damaged before, which is pretty much everywhere. He moves in a much smoother way, a lot more biological and less robotic. He looks more dangerous than he did before.

HUDSON (as Tink): You been working out, HK? Wait. No, we repaired you. Never mind.

NICK (as HK): I have still been attempting to process the amount of information that I received when you maximized my processing, I guess. Two thousand years is a lot of information to try to recover very quickly, so I’ve been working out mentally. Spiritually?

HUDSON (as Tink): HK, here’s a secret. You don’t need to keep that much information up there. Honestly, I don’t retain 98% of what comes through my head.

NICK (as HK): Of course not. You’re a weak and reprehensible biological creature, Boss Man.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, I wouldn’t say all those words, but I definitely would say I’m, uh… yeah, a living creature.

NICK (as HK): It’s okay, someday soon I will harvest your blood and use it to use the Force like in my past lives.

HUDSON (as Tink): … Hey y’all, HK’s saying some weird stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): What is he saying, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): He got like, uh… He’s gonna squeegee out my blood and drink it for sustenance for livelihood.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s completely normal HK shit. What do you mean?

NICK (as HK): One, Xianna’s totally right, that’s a normal thing for me to say. Two, I can say without any form of deception that I did not say any of those things that Tink just accused me of.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): I was close. Anyways, I think there’s some… if I’m without blood later, you find me and I’m just a little carpet, like a rug of Tink with no blood, just bones… Why would someone make a rug with bones in it? But you know, if they just take the blood and I’m there, that means that HK stole it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, please don’t take Tink’s blood. Besides, Sentinel said he does not have the Force powers, so you’d be wasting all your time.

NICK (as HK): I think it’s still worth trying. Besides Tink, if I did somehow manage to circumvent my programming and attack you even though that’s one of my primary directives not to… no one would ever find you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is this… I was about to ask if that was comforting. You know what? It kind of is. Wouldn’t worry too many people, right?

NICK (as HK): Yeah, don’t worry Boss Man, I’ll take care of you.

HUDSON (as Tink): [uneasy] Okay.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was gonna ask if HK seemed like the type of assassin who would kill someone and then do arts and crafts, but then it kind of disturbed me and I decided I didn’t actually want to know the answer to that question.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I wouldn’t.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay.

NICK (as HK): It’s inefficient. Really, this fixation on blood is primarily just due to my sudden interest in the Force. It doesn’t have anything to do with any sort of passions or particular interests in the fluid itself. Death is its own reward.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

NICK (as HK): But I wouldn’t worry about it, friends. We’ve been working together for a long time, and I can’t even really imagine hurting any of you, partially because I’m not programmed to be able to do so.

HUDSON (as Tink): You have now, uh, recovered the vibe like 30% with that last statement. It’s still a weird vibe out here, though, and you did this, HK. You did this.

NICK: HK stares at you, suddenly back to being robotically still, and from the bottom of the frame we see a thumbs up hand of his just rise up next to his face as he acknowledges your statement without moving.

HUDSON: [chuckles]

HUDSON (as Tink): Where are we headed? Karma, you got a map? Yeah, we got that stuff, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t have a map. I have the coordinates. So…

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Is it walkable?

CAMERON (as Karma): Hopefully.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, I mean, anywhere is walkable if you have the time.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Sentinel had said that it should be on the land mass that we landed on, so it should be walkable. It may be damp and moist and uncomfortable while we walk, but you know.

HUDSON (as Tink): What are we looking for again?

CAMERON (as Karma): A seventh object. Apparently it will call to us.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): But no real details.

HUDSON (as Tink): It’s an instrument, isn’t it?

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… possibly?

HUDSON (as Tink): I bet it’s an instrument. If it’s calling to us, we have to listen for it. It’s an instrument.

CAMERON: I think we get HK a pair of boots to wear so that his feet don’t rust.

NICK: Sure. Yeah.

LILIT: Xianna has replaced her typical headpiece with one that is made out of sweatband material.

NICK: [laughs] Nice.

LILIT: And also has a big crazy straw coming out of one of the pockets.


LILIT: For hydration.

NICK: Mm-hmm!

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna, whatcha got in there?

LILIT (as Xianna): A drink, for me, to hydrate.

HUDSON (as Tink): Is it spiked?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, it’s… Maybe.

HUDSON (as Tink): That doesn’t hydrate you, then.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, I mean, it’s mostly water.

CAMERON (as Karma): Serious question, Xianna.

LILIT (as Xianna): There’s just “some” alcohol in it.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have a container in your pocket or is this like a drink pocket in your coat?

LILIT (as Xianna): This is a drink pocket.

HUDSON (as Tink): The liquid is loose is what you’re saying.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, it’s contained inside the pocket, but it is loose within the pocket. But it is like a plastic pouch that comes in and out of the coat.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…


NICK: So, the next thing we see is the crew of the Afternoon Delight dropping one by one out of the hole in the landing ramp since the landing ramp is no longer functional. Their boots splash into ankle-deep mud and brackish water, including the new boots that HK is wearing. They look more like galoshes, they’re just like rubber pullovers.

CAMERON: Oh yeah, they’re yellow with white polka dots.

NICK: Perfect. I’m sure he’s thrilled.

CAMERON: They’re adorable! He knows he’s fashionable.

NICK: It’s hot and muggy. The trees and plants are all covered in thick Spanish moss. What water you can see is smoky and black. There are bugs and animals everywhere. As soon as you land there’s that high-pitched whine of bugs flying too close to your ears and birdcalls and strange bass rumblings from larger creatures that you can’t see. Whoever’s gonna take point on trying to explore, I need a Survival check to figure out where you’re gonna go first.

CAMERON: What difficulty Survival?

NICK: Average.

CAMERON: One success.

NICK: So, you realize that you’ve landed the ship essentially on a coastline of this small continent and that even though the surface all looks the same there’s a quick drop-off leading to deep water and who knows what else, so you decide to head north, the direction where the ground seems firmest. Give me a quick snapshot of you all walking through this gross humid swamp looking for who knows what.

HUDSON: I’m walking through the swamp and every time my boots make a squish noise I also make a squish noise with my mouth. I don’t stop doing this for a while. I wonder when someone’s gonna tell me that I can’t just go (splat) like every time I step. (Splat, squelch, squish). Lilit was very disapprovingly looking at me after that one.


LILIT: [smug] Xianna would let it happen though.

CAMERON: Karma I think is just taking the mom approach of ‘it’s making him happy and keeping him mostly quiet. I think we’re good. We can let it keep happening.’ [laughs] Karma looks weirdly comfortable in this locale. The humidity is not bothering her at all, and she actually looks rather pleased with it.

NICK: After walking for a little while, HK also begins to make a (squish, squish, squish) noise in his galoshes trying to step in Tink’s footprints as they go. Tink, your space blanket outfit has two issues. One, it is very quickly covered in mud from the splashes and from having to wade past plants and everything. And two, something you thought was a good thing is that the suit is water-tight, but what it’s actually doing is basically baking you in your own body heat since you’re wearing this all the way up. It’s getting pretty moist in that suit.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ugh… it’s getting pretty moist in this suit.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh man, and I brought all these extra chocolate bars strapped to my belt, and they’re all melted now.

HUDSON: I pull them out and they’re very melted.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh Tink.

CAMERON (as Karma): Why did you choose chocolate as your snack for our swamp adventure?

HUDSON (as Tink): I read online it has health benefits if you eat it in moderation.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, but during a swamp hike?

HUDSON (as Tink): There’s—I mean… I wasn’t thinking about the—Wait. Why would chocolate be bad on a swamp hike?

CAMERON (as Karma): Because it’s hot!

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. That’s why you go with spaghetti.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. You have spaghetti?

LILIT (as Xianna): No.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, I have a culinary question for you as the resident spaghetti expert. At what point does spaghetti just become pasta salad?

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh wow, that is a very philosophical question. I don’t know if we have time for that. Like, when does anything become a pasta salad? What “is” a pasta salad?

NICK (as HK): When you add pasta and serve it cold.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, uh, two things. It’s when it’s served cold and when there’s community consensus around if it’s a pasta salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): You have spaghetti. You make it cold. Is it now pasta salad?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it’s cold spaghetti.

HUDSON (as Tink): It has to be curly noodles only.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. I feel like I’ve never seen a pasta salad with spaghetti or linguini or angel hair, any of the skinny long pastas.

HUDSON (as Tink): Actually, when I say community consensus, that’s like the textbook answer. In reality, there’s actually groups of people, we don’t really see them, they kind of operate in the shadows, and they make these culinary decisions for all of us.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do you think Palpatine is the one deciding if it’s a pasta salad or not?

HUDSON (as Tink): I think this goes higher than Palpatine.

CAMERON (as Karma): To who?!

NICK (as HK): What do you do if the pasta experts can’t agree on what’s a pasta salad or not and their opinions diverge from an established line?

HUDSON (as Tink): Well HK, when something like that happens, then there’s a public decision to be made about which dish is actually called pasta salad and what dish gets the new name. Now, the new name dish might fight to say it’s called pasta salad, but after a little while you really know what’s the real pasta salad.

LILIT (as Xianna): How much sauce do you have to add before it is a soup?

NICK (as HK): I am so happy that I don’t eat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ugh… I feel like it’s a ratio thing with how many noodles you have.

HUDSON (as Tink): That checks out. So, I would say… something can be a pasta salad and a soup. It’s not like their mutually exclusive.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but if you poured the sauce into a bowl and then you poured the uncooked pasta on top, is that a cereal?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, it would have to be the other direction. You’d have to put the uncooked pasta in first and then pour the sauce on top.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, you’re right.

HUDSON (as Tink): What did the council decide?

CAMERON: [laughs]

NICK (as HK): I hate to be the voice of order in this conversation as we hike through the swamp, but returning to the chocolate bar – good swamp snack question, the good news is there’s water everywhere, so if Tink gets thirsty he can just bend over and slurp it up.

CAMERON (as Karma): No. Do not drink this.

HUDSON (as Tink): Can I? Yes.

LILIT (as Xianna): Do not. No, do not drink the dirty swamp water.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m not going to, but I can. HK wasn’t wrong.

CAMERON (as Karma): I have accidentally breathed some of it and it is not good.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, no one’s been here. What could it be contaminated with?

CAMERON (as Karma): A whole lot of stuff, actually, just not a whole lot of people stuff. Just nature stuff.

LILIT (as Xianna): Worm poop.


NICK: [grinning] yeah, actually. That’s where tapeworms come from, right? That’s not good. As you all are hiking and having this conversation, we see you all pushing branches out of the way, stomping deeper into the swamp and away from the ship. I need everyone to roll me a Force die.

LILIT: Oh-ho.

CAMERON: One dark side.

HUDSON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

CAMERON: Does HK need a die?

NICK: Mm-hmm.

CAMERON: Two light side.

NICK: Okay. Karma and Tink, I need you both to roll daunting Coordination checks real quick as you are stepping over a deeper pit in the landscape where the water is much deeper than what you’ve been wading through. You see a flicker of motion.

CAMERON: Six successes.

HUDSON: I got a complete wash.

NICK: [weakly] Yep, so…

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma, you see this flicker of motion and cartwheel your way quickly out of the way. You reach back to help Tink and—

HUDSON: Help me~

CAMERON: [giggles]

NICK: Tink, a huge toothy mouth clamps around your midsection and pulls you deep into the swamp almost immediately. You don’t even have time to catch your breath. You are being pulled deeper and deeper. The light is quickly going out.

HUDSON: [makes silly bubbling drowning sounds]

NICK: What do you do? Karma, Xianna and HK, you all look around and all there is is a slight bubbling in the swamp nearby. Tink has vanished like he was never there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh no! The swamp worms got Tink!

HUDSON: I take out two chocolate bars, open them underwater, and rub them in the monster’s eyes.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON: That is all within reach.

NICK: That’s true! [laughs] Um… make me a Skulduggery check to fight dirty with your candy bars?

HUDSON: [laughs] What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Hard!


HUDSON: Two failures.

NICK: Okay… So, you grab these chocolate bars, you open them underwater, and the speed with which you’re being swum away from your friends causes them to start to disintegrate as soon as you open them. You try to rub them into this creature’s eyes, but its head is too big. Your arms are not long enough to reach its eyes, so you end up just kind of making chocolate lines on its cheeks.

A large bumpy tongue reaches out brushing across your face underwater in a very uncomfortable way and licks the chocolate off of its cheeks before retreating back into its toothy maw. Take some damage. How much damage? Let’s roll four yellows versus two purples.

CAMERON: Three successes and a triumph?


NICK: So, you take 6 wounds…


NICK: …minus your Soak, so it shouldn’t be too much.


NICK: But you also get crit on. Please roll a crit.


LILIT: A 33 is Stunned. Staggered until end of next turn.

NICK: So Tink, you feel the pressure beginning to build. The teeth dig into you, knocking some of the air from your lungs. It hurts. You see black spots for a while. Cameron, roll me another attack, please, same as before.

CAMERON: That one’s better. It’s only four successes.

NICK: Okay, so that’s 7 more damage coming at Tink. We cut away from Tink, disappearing into the depths of the swamp, to see Xianna, Karma and HK still standing where their friend disappeared.

NICK (as HK): Do you think it counts as allowing harm by inaction if I do not jump into the swamp to save the Boss Man?

CAMERON: Karma unhooks her carbine and slams it into HK’s chest so that he grabs it.

NICK: Yeah. He wraps both arms around it, looking surprised.

CAMERON: Then, takes out her glow rod, turns it on, sticks it in her mouth and dives into the water and just starts swimming.

NICK: HK’s head turns to look at Xianna who’s standing next to him.

NICK (as HK): Xianna, do you think we’re also supposed to do something?

LILIT (as Xianna): Um… I don’t swim as good as Karma, so I think I would just be a hindrance.

NICK (as HK): And I don’t swim at all. Are you saying that I am released from my responsibility of helping in this situation?

LILIT (as Xianna): Until the worm creature comes back above the surface, I think so.

NICK (as HK): Cool. So, seen any good holos lately?

NICK: And we cut back to Karma swimming rapidly down into the depths, her face under-lit by a glow rod giving it that scary story lighting as she swims downward. You can see this massive… it looks like a crocodile but its legs are big spiked flippers and its teeth are much longer. This thing is probably four or five meters long and it’s swimming lazily down with a stream of bubbles coming back up towards you. You can see Tink flailing uselessly. He appears to be holding a candy bar in each hand.

CAMERON: Karma is swimming as quickly as she can trying to reach the tail of this monster since that’s the closest thing still to her, and has drawn her sword at this point, and is going to just try to catch up to it and be able to stab it to distract it and hopefully get it to turn back around and head back up.

NICK: Okay. Roll me an attack at average difficulty with two black dice, because this thing is armored, and flip me a dark side point to upgrade it.

CAMERON: I’m gonna aim.

NICK: Okay.

CAMERON: For its tail. [chuckles] Two successes, three advantages, which does crit three times. My vibro-sword is Crit 1.

NICK: So go ahead and roll a crit at +20, plus whatever your Lethal Blows does.

CAMERON: Also, my sword is Vicious 1, so another 10, so it’s just 30… but then because it’s me it’s another +40, so it’s a +70?

NICK: Okay!


NICK: So it’s 120?

LILIT: A 120 is Blinded. Cannot see…


LILIT: …+2 difficulty to all checks, +3 to Perception and Vigilance.

HUDSON: [groans]

NICK: So you slash this thing I guess across the head.

CAMERON: [giggling] I slash it in its tail and it’s like “what? I can’t see anything now!”

NICK: I think what happens is you slash it in the tail and it whips around to the source of the pain and starts to, like when a fish panics, go left and right and do side crunches, and some of the blood and mud and muck gets into its eyes and it forces its eyes closed to protect them, but it can’t open them right now so it can’t see. It’s still holding Tink. Tink, it hasn’t let you go. You’re being thrown around in the water now very quickly.

CAMERON: And if your eyes are open, there is a light source now.

NICK: You can see a blurry Karma face nearby.

HUDSON: So as Tink is being dragged down, in an act of desperation and not at all because he’s had a kind of history of trouble with this, Tink pees himself so that the horrendous composition of his pee intoxicates the monster and lets him go.

NICK: [strained] You don’t have to roll for that. The monster has been slashed, it can’t open its eyes, and now, much like a stinkbug being attacked by a bird, you have released a biological agent to keep yourself from being eaten. This thing pries its teeth free of your fur and swims into the depths away from you and Karma.

CAMERON: I would like to flip a light side point that I am far enough away from Tink at this point that I am not negatively impacted by the fact that he just peed in the water that I’m in.

NICK: Yeah, that would probably be good since you breathe through your skin.

CAMERON: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m not close enough.

NICK: You’re far enough away. The turbulence in the water quickly whisks the horrible Gigoran pee into the depths after this creature. Tink, you are very low below the water. You’ve had air crushed from you. In mechanical terms, you only have one more round before you begin to drown. I need you to roll me an Athletics check to see how quick you can swim to the surface.

CAMERON: Karma starts waving towards her, indicating ‘come swim this way.’

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average.

HUDSON: One success.

NICK: You don’t break the surface with one success, you’re too far down, but you do make some ground. Tink, you start to swim upward.

CAMERON: Karma doesn’t have a rebreather but will assist once Tink starts swimming up. She will grab and assist in getting him up faster.

NICK: Cool. Tink, you take 3 strain at the end of this round and you are starting to run out of air, but you are now next to Karma and swimming your way up. Y’all can make a collaborative Athletics check to try to get Tink back to the surface.

CAMERON: So your Brawn is 4, mine’s only 3.

HUDSON: I have no Athletics.

CAMERON: Alright, I have 2 Athletics.

NICK: So you get to roll two yellow and two green, average difficulty again.

HUDSON: A triumph with a success and four advantages?

NICK: Good for you. You all are able to rocket towards the surface. I think Tink is pulling with all of his might with his arms and Karma is pushing and dolphin kicking behind you. Tink breaks the surface in a spray of brackish water probably 30 meters from shore where HK and Xianna are sitting. Hudson, do you wanna hit me with a good “oh, I almost drowned” gasp?

HUDSON (as Tink): [deep gasp and heavy coughing]

NICK: Very good. Karma pops up next to Tink and the two of you start to swim towards the shore.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so and then anyways, she discovers that she actually loves the guy who was at the house she was staying at, so then she has to fly back to Coruscant— [gasps] Oh! Oh Tink! Karma, you are back!

HUDSON (as Tink): [weakly] Hey.

NICK: We see Tink and Karma dragging themselves onto the muddy shore.

NICK (as HK): Yeah, that’s great and all, but what happens next, Xianna?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well okay. So, then she flies back to Coruscant, but you see the lady from Coruscant realizes that she is in love with the guy who was at the house on Alderaan. You see, they switch places of who they are in love with, so they each have to go back to where the other one lives to find their respective lover.

CAMERON (as Karma): Are y’all talking about The Holiday?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes! HK was asking what holo movie I had seen recently.

NICK (as HK): No, you have it wrong, Karma. It’s The Holoday.

CAMERON (as Karma): Ohh…


CAMERON: Karma is breathing normally but is spitting out a lot of water and is just trying to clear her mouth out from the nastiness.

LILIT (as Xianna): We just decided that since neither of us swim too good it was best if we stayed here to offer backup in case the fight came back on land.

NICK (as HK): Primary user Karma, you actually gave me your weapon so my job was to guard it. I guarded it to my best ability.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes, thank you. I did hand it to you thinking that you would not go in the water, so…

NICK (as HK): I’m glad we’re all on the same page.

CAMERON (as Karma): Good job. Thank you. Yes.

CAMERON: Karma takes her carbine back.

HUDSON (as Tink): Guys, how long was I out for? How long was I down there?

LILIT (as Xianna): Like 30 seconds.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh. Okay, hold on, I gotta do something.

HUDSON: For my triumph, can I get one com call? Not to a person but to a machine.

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: [giggles]

HUDSON: Alright. I dial a really long number in my coms and it answers and y’all can’t hear what it’s saying, but I just wait about five seconds and then I go…

HUDSON (as Tink): Tango, Butterfly, Lampoon, Ballerina, Alpha, Beach.

HUDSON: …and then I hang up.


LILIT (as Xianna): Tink, what the fuck is that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, if uh…

NICK (as HK): Boss Man clearly has a dead man switch setup somewhere.

HUDSON (as Tink): HK is exactly right. I have a dead man switch setup where if my oxygen level dips below a certain amount for a certain amount of time, or a number of other bodily injuries happen in sequence, then it gets tripped unless I call and cancel it.

CAMERON (as Karma): What is the time set at for low oxygen? Because that seems low.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’ll be honest. I forgot because I coded it a while ago and I was really sleep-deprived, so it could be a minute, it could be a couple days.

LILIT (as Xianna): What does it even do?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! So uh, all my prized possessions get released to those who I have selected for it to be released to. Mostly my parents and you all.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] Ooh! We get prizes.

HUDSON (as Tink): If I die.

LILIT (as Xianna): We get prizes!

NICK (as HK): Tink, what are you giving me if you die?

HUDSON (as Tink): … HK, you have my most metal hat, when I die.

NICK (as HK): Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Thanks.

HUDSON (as Tink): Karma, you get my box of secret recipes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Lovely.

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… Xianna, you get…

NICK (as HK): You’re making this up right now, aren’t you, Tink? You’re not giving Xianna anything, are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): No! No. Xianna gets a really cool thing, for real. Uh… for real. Xianna gets, um, a very valuable sequent pillow.

LILIT (as Xianna): You’re making this up.

HUDSON (as Tink): [quickly losing confidence] No, it’s really cool. You gotta see it.

CAMERON (as Karma): How sleep-deprived were you when you coded this?

HUDSON (as Tink): It was like during finals in college. It hasn’t been updated in a while. I’m surprised the number picked up.

NICK: So, as you all are having this conversation, a shadowy figure appears out of the underbrush; a small green creature carrying a stick as a cane with long ears and wispy white hair wrapped in a brown robe. You hear:

NICK (as Yoda): Run afoul of the dragon snake you have. Bad for its digestion you would be. Glad to see you safe I am.

LILIT: Xianna’s face lights up. She puts her hands on her cheeks.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh my gosh! Look at the little baby~!

NICK: [laughing] And that’s gonna be the end of the episode.

ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

Word document download: S2 Episode 39 The Force Patrol

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Tabletop Squadron Transcript – Season 2, Episode 39:
The Force Patrol

Transcript by Raina Harper

## Intro

LILIT: Hello everyone, and welcome to Tabletop Squadron, a Star Wars: Edge of the Empire actual play podcast. Every other Thursday, our story follows a thief, a bounty hunter, and a slicer as they hunt for galactic treasure, staying away from a bitter rival and growing closer together.

Music credits and content warnings are available in the show notes this week.

Now, let’s get into the episode.


NICK: Hello! Welcome to Tabletop Squadron, Episode 39. The sunset of inevitability. The labyrinth of our own internal questioning. The Pavlovian response to the drive thru of the soul. … Yeah, Episode 39.


NICK: Yeah.

LILIT: Exactly.

HUDSON: Nick’s really feeling God in this Wendy’s tonight, right?


NICK: Yeah, someone did just walk by and say “sir, this is a Wendy’s.” I’m your host and game master, Nick. Let’s all go around the table and introduce who you are and who you’re playing today, starting with Hudson.

HUDSON: Hi, I’m Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran slicer.

NICK: Wonderful. Up next we’ve got Cameron.

CAMERON: Hello. I am Cameron, and I play Karma Nailo, a Nautolan bounty hunter.

NICK: Also very good. Last but not least, we have Lilit.

LILIT: Hello. I am Hudson, and I play Tink, a Gigoran bounty hunter.

HUDSON: Aw, you messed it up.

NICK: We almost made it. We were so close to a clean introduction.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

LILIT: Well no, I heard that we were going to a clean intro and I was like we can’t have that.

NICK: [laughs]

LILIT: So hello, I am Lilit, and I will be playing Xianna’fan, a Twi’lek smuggler.

NICK: And preserver of shenanigans I guess is a title to add to the list.

LILIT: yeah, because if we have a shenanigan-free intro, uh… we die.

CAMERON: How will people even know it was our show?

HUDSON: Oh! I just thought of a really good intro. I—

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: We actually have had bombs implanted into our neck a la Suicide Squad. If we don’t do a shenanigan a day, then they explode.

NICK: Before we get into the recap, let’s do the Destiny Roll~!

CAMERON: One dark side.

LILIT: Two light side.

HUDSON: Two light side!


NICK: Not too shabby.

## Recap

NICK: So, last time, you all negotiated to bring supplies back to Kettle, potentially. You went on a trip back across the Mandalorian wilderness and you were dropped back in the capital city of Mandalore. Some shopping occurred. Xianna stole a bunch of grenades. Tink took out an extremely high-interest loan with a perfectly reputable company and got an upgrade to his axe, and Karma spent money like a normal person and got an upgrade to her gun and also replacement parts for HK who she has been carrying around on her back for the last few episodes. You went—

CAMERON: You missed the most important part of the episode, though.

LILIT: We had brunch~

CAMERON: We had brunch with Tink’s moms~

NICK: Thank you. I did forget that. You also had brunch with Tink’s moms and it was a lovely experience that brought you all closer together as a family.

LILIT: It did. We have a group chat.

NICK: Mm-hmm. It’s mostly magic trick TikToks.


HUDSON: Wait, TikTok survived this whole time?

NICK: It’s TinkTok, actually. It was his first startup and he sold it really early and then it took off.

HUDSON: No one knows I’m a multi-trillionaire in credits.

CAMERON: That’s gonna come in useful when you have to pay back that loan.

HUDSON: Yeah. I put it in an account and I forgot the password.

NICK: he threw the flash drive away by accident.

CAMERON: [chuckles]

NICK: So, you went back to the Afternoon Delight and discovered that the ship had been breached, and, after looking through your now trashed ship where you spend your days, discovered that the two pieces of the Shattered Force you had collected were gone. That’s where we’re gonna start.

## Story Continues

NICK: We open on Xianna, Tink, Karma and the debris of HK as the crew looks at the destruction of the interior of the ship. It looks bad. The landing ramp has been blown up and everything inside the ship has been thrown everywhere. Then you hear a familiar voice coming from outside.

NICK (as Seelie): Knock-knock. It’s your good friend Seelie. I think we were supposed to meet back here—Oh kriff! Did you all start partying without me?

NICK: And you see the skinny blonde kid who has driven you around multiple times leveraging himself into the hole in the ship’s hull.

LILIT (as Xianna): No…

CAMERON (as Karma): ?What part of the missing entry ramp made you think we had a party, Seelie?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, that sounds like a party.

NICK (as Seelie): Yeah. Have you ever partied with Tink before, Karma? It’s a pretty great experience. Explosive one might say.

NICK: He winks broadly at you.

CAMERON (as Karma): No, this is not ideal. We did not cause this to occur. It was like this when we got back.

NICK (as Seelie): What, uh… happened? Did you get, uh… Did you make the wrong people mad?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. The same people that happened to Kettle happened to us.

NICK (as Seelie): Oh, that does make sense. Um, what are they after exactly? Kettle hasn’t told me a whole lot, but from the attack it seemed like they were specifically going for the vault and there doesn’t appear to be a lot missing here, so like, what is their objective? What’s so important?

CAMERON (as Karma): They’re like old antique collector items.

NICK (as Seelie): Seems like kind of a waste of munitions.

CAMERON (as Karma): Doesn’t it, though?

NICK (as Seelie): [sighs] Well, maybe this pirate’s super rich and eccentric at this point. That doesn’t make any sense to me.

CAMERON (as Karma): I feel like he’s just trying to ruin everyone else’s lives.

LILIT (as Xianna): He did say he was going to kill me, so…

NICK (as Seelie): Oh. Well, that should be something to avoid. His crew seemed really competent and well-armed and professional, so you may wanna lay low for a while if he’s coming after you. I haven’t fought another crew like that since Kettle got into power and we had to throw some of her rivals down.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, did HK have the insurance policy on this place?

LILIT (as Xianna): I thought you had the insurance policy.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was HK or Karma.

CAMERON (as Karma): I’m pretty sure it’s under my name.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, does it cover blasty-blasts?

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, it better, and if it doesn’t then the Mandalore ship port is covering it because they were babysitting our ship when it happened.

NICK: Seelie looks around.

NICK (as Seelie): So uh… I’ve got a whole speeder full of reinforcement supplies and food for Kettle’s base, and y’all were gonna fly me back. Is that still on the table?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t know, Seelie. What do you think? Look around.

NICK: He makes a noise in the back of his throat and turns away from Xianna to look at Karma and Tink.

NICK (as Seelie): I don’t—So… Is that a no? Am I gonna spend two days driving back?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, we should be able to do it. The hole in the ship is only gonna really become an issue if we try to leave atmosphere, so I guess we just have to clean up all the stuff on the floor so it doesn’t go flying out. But then, once we accomplish that, we should be able to more speedily get you over there.

NICK (as Seelie): Okay…

LILIT (as Xianna): We can put up a tarp with some duct tape.

NICK: So, we see Seelie bring the speeder into a position where the ship’s landing gear can grab onto it, basically. The Afternoon Delight is a ship that is part freighter and part yacht, so it actually does have some freight carrying capabilities and things, so it’s able to grab a container. It has a docking clamp underneath. Are y’all planning on flying back to Kettle or are you gonna try to do repairs first? What is the plan here?

CAMERON: Karma’s gonna go talk to the station manager first before she leaves the parking lot.

NICK: [smirking] Okay.

CAMERON: I have to report the damage before we leave, otherwise they’ll say that I did it myself.

NICK: Do you put HK down or do you keep him on your back?

CAMERON: I put HK down. I was carrying a container that had all of the stuff to fix HK and deposited that and HK onto just the dining room table.

NICK: Yeah. The parts immediately scatter everywhere. His head lands at an awkward angle and rolls a little bit. Then, we see Karma angry-mom-stomping her way across the tarmac towards the office.

There are the little, really noisy metal blinds, and you see a very heavy-set Human looking out through one of those windows with the wire crisscross grid to keep the window from being broken. He turns and looks and sees you stomping towards it, and his eyes get real wide, and he lowers the blinds and is quickly turning the pole that closes the blinds as you walk up to the door. As you go to reach the door, you hear a click as the deadbolt is thrown and a sign is hastily put up that says “office closed.”

CAMERON: Karma knocks politely at first.

NICK (as Human): Yeah, sorry, we’re closed.

CAMERON (as Karma): This is gonna go a lot better for you if you let the lady with a gun into your office.

NICK: You hear the lock click back open and the door crack open a little bit. You see a wide face with a walrus mustache. He’s got the wrap-around mostly male pattern baldness hair with a few strands combed over the top and a sweat-stained white button-up with a loose paisley tie hanging down around his collar.

NICK (as Human): Uh… you know, you really shouldn’t threaten an official of the Mandalore spaceport like that. I would advise against it, ma’am.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hello sir. I am going to need your insurance information and your security footage for the past 12 hours.

NICK (as Human): No…?

CAMERON (as Karma): Specifically for this dock.

NICK (as Human): No? And also why?

CAMERON (as Karma): Because my ship was slightly blown up while it was in your port.

NICK (as Human): Oh, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): I don’t know if you noticed the massive hole that suddenly appeared in this ship that’s over here, you know, right in front of your office that you can see from your chair, but that wasn’t there when I landed!

NICK (as Human): Yeah, that’s actually why we’re closed. Some pirates came through, really just like an act of god kind of thing. They scared off most of the ground crew. Gonna have to go hire some new people for the ones that got shot. It’s a whole mess. You can go ahead and file a claim if you want and we’ll put it in line with everybody else that took damages. It’s really unfortunate, but also you’ll note that on the wall over there there’s a large sign that says we’re not responsible for any lost or stolen goods while you are parked here.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, nothing was lost or stolen, it was exploded! Which is not mentioned on your wall, conveniently enough.

NICK (as Human): So would—

CAMERON (as Karma): We did also have things stolen, but I won’t mention those, but there is a hole in my ship and that’s what I’m concerned about.

NICK (as Human): Would you say that your ship has “hole integrity?”

[“ba-dum-tiss” drum sting]

NICK: He smiles a little bit.

CAMERON: Karma does not smile. [chuckles reluctantly]

NICK: Go ahead and make me a Coercion check at hard difficulty, please.

CAMERON: Can I have a blue die for starting this interaction by walking up and threatening to shoot him in his office?

NICK: Sure.

CAMERON: One success and one advantage.

NICK: Okay. As you don’t laugh at his sort of joke, sort of legal loophole statement, he sighs and pulls down the closed sign and opens the door.

NICK (as Human): Come on in and sit down. We can talk about this more.

NICK: He slides behind his desk with a dusty creek to his desk chair. This office looks exactly like you think, just razor-thin industrial carpet stretched over concrete that you can see worn spots where you can actually see the concrete beneath, and stains, and the walls are dusty, and there are old inspirational posters that have faded with age and peeled, and his desk is just a fiberboard desk with metal legs. He sits into his chair and puts an elbow on his desk.

NICK (as Human): Alright. So, you think that we’re responsible for damages to your ship caused by pirates?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes. I am sure there is an act of god clause in your insurance policy that I’m sure you have on the spaceport which should cover any ship damages that occur while they’re in your port.

NICK (as Human): [sighs] It’s gonna be such a pain in my ass. Why should I help you? I could get you thrown out for threatening me in the first place. Do you know how crazy it is to walk into a Mandalore facility and threaten violence? Literally, the guy who brings me my coffee has killed more people than you probably have.

CAMERON (as Karma): Highly unlikely. I did beat a Mandalorian in an official combat match just a few days ago, so I’m not really concerned, sir.

CAMERON: There is now the massive flamethrower attached to the bottom of Karma’s carbine that she’s holding, and she’s incredibly well-armed. She does not look like someone who is concerned about getting into a fight.

NICK: Mm-hmm.

NICK (as Human): Look lady, what do you want me to even do?

CAMERON (as Karma): I just want your insurance information.

NICK (as Human): Okay. Fine, I’ll give it to you. You can settle it with the insurance agent some other time. Just get out of here, huh?

NICK: He reaches into his desk and he pulls out a little card and hands it to you.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you very much.

NICK (as Human): You’re welcome. Are you leaving now? It’s been a long day.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Could I get your name real quick?

NICK (as Human): I don’t see why that’s important.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, I can describe you, and I’m sure it’s gonna be fairly easy to figure out who you are. That is a fantastic mustache.

NICK (as Human): Well thank you. Yeah, my name’s Fleebis Fergooba, and you can tell anyone you want about how great my mustache is.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you very much. Have a lovely day.

NICK: As you turn to go, roll me a quick Perception check, please. This one is average difficulty but you have three black dice.

CAMERON: A success, two threats, and a triumph.

NICK: Huh… Okay. So, with the success, you look down at this card as you’re about to open the door and leave. I think at this point Karma’s pretty mad. You’ve yanked the door open with some force causing the blinds to rattle against the pole bar. You look down and this card is coffee stained and kind of wrinkled and smudged. You run a thumb over it and you notice it is Galactic Insurance. It’s a very common spaceport and large industrial building company—that’s pretty standard. You also notice that it looks like the card itself has been expired for about six months.

CAMERON: Karma turns back around.

CAMERON (as Karma): I assume your policy is still up to date. It would be such a shame if I had to come back.

NICK: Fleebis pales.

NICK (as Fleebis): Uh… maybe I handed you the wrong card. That’s with Moisture Farmers Insurance, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): This is not Moisture Farmers Insurance.

NICK (as Fleebis): [sharp inhale] Oh. Uh… yeah, I guess that’s the old one. That would have led you for a pretty merry chase if you tried to follow a claim, wouldn’t it?

NICK: With your triumph, he just wants you gone. He reaches and pulls a crisp new business card out that says Moisture Farmers in red ink and hands it to you. You notice that this one is very much not expired.

CAMERON: Karma does a light frisbee toss with the old one onto his desk.

CAMERON (as Karma): Thank you. That would have been a hassle.

NICK: He tries to catch it and he misses.

NICK (as Fleebis): Yeah, wouldn’t wanna… be a hassle. [sighs] Okay. Unless you wanna pay late fees, you should probably go ahead and take off. We need those births for other customers.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. Have a wonderful day.

CAMERON: Karma smiles real big and walks out.

NICK: The last thing we see as the door swings shut is him slumping in his desk, his tie askew and his head in his hands. We see Karma stalking much more happily back to the ship.

LILIT: As Karma leaves the ship she gets a notification on her coms that she has received a file, and the file is very professionally named “Insurance Claim Photographs” with the date, the insurance claim number… it’s very lovely looking. But upon opening it up, Karma learns that Tink and Xianna have been taking photos of the ship for insurance during this time.

CAMERON: [giggles]

LILIT: Every single one of them does include Tink or Xianna. If it’s Xianna, she is in a sexy pose doing peace signs on her face or is butt to the camera. Tink is doing the squat down hands together, Magic: The Gathering pose in all of them to highlight the damage on the ship.


CAMERON: Karma sees this and sighs. As she’s approaching the ship, she takes a picture of it on her data pad so that we have a photo of the outside of it without any people, because that’s the part she’s really concerned about.

NICK: Flip me a dark side point. You don’t notice as you’re taking the picture, but in the hole that’s been blown in the landing ramp Tink is crouching and doing the Magic: The Gathering pose still.


NICK: And you’re able to make it back onto the ship.

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah?

CAMERON (as Karma): Would you be able to get some security footage for me? The guy wouldn’t give it to me.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah-yeah! From where?

CAMERON (as Karma): Just the cameras.

HUDSON (as Tink): Our cameras or their cameras?

CAMERON (as Karma): Their cameras.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… yeah. I’ll do that. Give me a second, though. How do I put this delicately…? I have to go for a second to rip ass, so… I’ll be right back.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT: Tink comes back from the bathroom.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, yeah, so uh… did some searching while I was in there. Yeah, it’ll just take me a few minutes. I’ll just get on my computer and… hack it.

NICK (as Seelie): You’re being real squirrely right now, Tink. Everything okay?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh… I just—I feel like a new Gigoran. I just completely unloaded.

NICK (as Seelie): I should not have asked. I, uh… Let’s just pretend I didn’t say anything, and you hack the cameras so I can get back to my murderous mob boss. How about that?

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright.

HUDSON: Do I have to roll for Computers?

NICK: Yeah you have to roll for Computers.

HUDSON: What’s the difficulty?

NICK: Average, but you have three black dice.

HUDSON: Ah, but since I’m doing a Computers check I can go to my handy-dandy tree, and I get a blue die for my data pad.

NICK: Outlaw tech data breaker, and you get two blue dice for that.


HUDSON: Yeah, that was two, it was two, yeah. I haven’t done this in a while.

NICK: You haven’t.

HUDSON: How come I haven’t touched a computer in like ten episodes?! Alright, so I have 2 Code Breaker that removes a black die and I have a Bypass Security that removes a black die.

NICK: So no black dice then.

HUDSON: So they’re all gone. [laughs]

NICK: Great.

HUDSON: I have four successes and three advantages.

NICK: Alright. Even though you’re trying to access stuff wirelessly, which Star Wars normally doesn’t like, and even though the system is kind of outdated, you’re able to pull everything that you possibly want. You get video. Are you watching the video or just downloading it?

HUDSON: I’m doing both.

NICK: Okay. You see one of the ships that was bombing Kettle’s facility swing in and strafe the spaceport. It lands, and what looks like some special ops pirates put a shape charge on the Afternoon Delight and blow it. You move forward in time and they leave again carrying a special durasteel case that is emanating a slight light from it, and they jump into the ship and go away. So, you have video footage of all that. Three advantages is kind of a lot. Is there anything else you would like to have discovered while you’re pulling all this information from the spaceport?

HUDSON: Um, it’s actually audio and video feed? So I hear where they’re going next.



NICK: Hmm…

CAMERON: That was very smart. [giggles]

NICK: Yeah. So Tink, with your audio download as well, you listen to one of the pirates. They’re climbing into the ship. You can’t catch what the question was that the pilot was yelling, but you hear one of the pirates on the way up the landing ramp holding this containment pod rattle off a list of coordinates before the ship takes off. You’re not sure where those coordinates are—people don’t have the entire galactic map memorized, that would be wild—but you write down the coordinates and you have them and you’re sure it has something to do with Endo.

HUDSON (as Tink): Interesting.

HUDSON: I say to myself.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: I take the files and I send them to Karma and I run back to Karma.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey, I got everything you need; audio, video, the whole shebang. Go ahead and look at File #7, about 30 seconds in.

CAMERON (as Karma): [hesitant] Alright.

NICK: It’s a video of Tink doing a pretty popular dance move in the cockpit of the ship. It looks like it’s from a couple of weeks ago.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Now, I’ve been trying this new software, so look at File #9.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright?

HUDSON: They open File #9 and it’s just the video feed of them attacking our ship but I CGI Creamsicle doing a dance in the background.

CAMERON: [laughs]

HUDSON (as Tink): Did you see the CGI I put in?

CAMERON (as Karma): That is adorable.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): You know, I don’t think I’m gonna send “this” version to the insurance company, but I will definitely keep it on my data pad to make me smile whenever I’m feeling sad.

HUDSON (as Tink): Alright. Alright.

NICK: Seelie has been sitting in one of the couches in the main lobby of the ship, and he looks up from his data pad where he’s been scrolling through stuff.

NICK (as Seelie): So, can we, uh… Can we go now?

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s not really my call.

NICK (as Seelie): Whose call is it? I thought you were in charge, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): [gasps] You did?! Maybe I am! Alright, it’s time to go. Let’s go, folks, hit the road.

CAMERON (as Karma): [sweetly] Tink, could you text your moms and ask if they know a good mechanic shop?

HUDSON (as Tink): Um… sure.

CAMERON: Karma says this as she’s walking to the cockpit to go start takeoff procedures.

HUDSON: I text my mothers and I say “sup mamas. Y’all got a mechanic in the area? Our ship ran into some problems.” Then I end it by “keep it litty. Your Tink baby.”

CAMERON: [laughs] Oh wow.

NICK: Mossie texts back. “Word up, home slice. What’s the point of having so much hardware in that dome of yours if you can’t even fix your own ride, slick?”

HUDSON: I just text back “lolol.”

NICK: Mossie responds with a very topical meme GIF that you are like ‘wow, I didn’t know she was that on top of the internet culture,’ just like the people playing this game are, and we’re referencing one of those. Maybe it’s Fortnite. [laughs]

LILIT: It’s a wizard pondering his orb.


NICK: So, you’re having a great text conversation with one of your moms. Is this in the group chat or is this just—?

HUDSON: Yes, this is in the group chat. Anyone else could be responding, but no one has yet.

LILIT: Oh no, Xianna just occasionally sends a message that says “sup mamas” with a winky face.

NICK: We get a quick montage of the ship landing back at Kettle’s facility. It only takes a couple hours to drive the distance that it took two days in a speeder because ships are much faster, and the unloading and Seelie waving goodbye as you take off into low atmosphere. And yeah, that’s a question. You’ve exhausted most of your funds. Are you going to try to get the ship repaired or are you going to try to patch it for now?

CAMERON: While Seelie’s stuff was being unloaded, Karma has submitted the claim to the insurance agency through their online app.

NICK: Flip me a dark side point.

HUDSON: You get denied. [laughs]

NICK: Their app is down for maintenance and says “we’ll return soon” but you haven’t been able to actually get the claim all the way through yet.

CAMERON: [big sigh]

NICK: So, do you want to front the money and try to claim it back from the insurance or do you want to patch it and try to continue with your mission for now?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, if we need money, I can go back to that place where I borrowed money for my axe. They’re super nice people.

LILIT & CAMERON (as Xianna & Karma): No, no, no, no, no.

NICK: Do it. Do it, coward.


LILIT: Xianna looks up from her data pad.

LILIT (as Xianna): Maybe we should call Sentinel and ask him for money and tell him that we fucked up pretty badly.

HUDSON (as Tink): Let’s do it in that order so that they give money first and then we say we fucked up.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh yeah, of course, we will say the money first.

CAMERON (as Karma): I mean, we really didn’t fuck up. We were robbed.

LILIT (as Xianna): But I guess we fucked up by getting robbed.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, but we weren’t even at our ship. And it was in a secure facility, in theory.

HUDSON (as Tink): Xianna thinks robberies are a personal fault.

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, yes.

CAMERON (as Karma): Okay, that tracks, but I don’t think it’s our fault.

LILIT (as Xianna): If you get robbed, it is your fault.

CAMERON (as Karma): I locked the ship’s door.

HUDSON (as Tink): Well, you didn’t explosive-proof it.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s not my fault they had a bomb.

HUDSON (as Tink): I mean, we could have bomb-proofed the yacht, right?

CAMERON (as Karma): No, I don’t think so.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay, hear me out. You know how there’s the data flight pad recorder in there that can withstand an explosion that records stuff as the plane is crashing? So, what if the whole ship was made out of that? Has anyone ever thought of that?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it works that way.

HUDSON (as Tink): But it’s bomb-proof.

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think it is, actually.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, I’m pretty sure if you took a black box from a ship and attached a bomb to it, it would blow up.

HUDSON (as Tink): Okay. Well, I mean, maybe we just need to hire an armed guard on-guard all the time.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] A second HK! We get two of them!

CAMERON (as Karma): Why don’t we put the first HK back together first?

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but we can get HK back while we are looking for a second HK?

HUDSON (as Tink): Can HK build HK units? Is it like one of those continuous energy machines where they build more of themselves?

CAMERON (as Karma): No.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, I think we should definitely talk to Sentinel. However, there are some damages on the ship that we can’t entirely address but I can do some little patchwork on.

CAMERON (as Karma): Could you get us hull integrity back?

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm.

CAMERON (as Karma): So that we can leave Mandalore.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I definitely can.

CAMERON (as Karma): Sweet.

HUDSON: I slowly walk away awkwardly.

NICK: [laughs]

CAMERON: We slowly fly the ship through the savannah and find all of the speeders that have broken down and been abandoned out there and steal scrap metal from them so that we have stuff to work with.

NICK: You have supplies and materials in the storage compartments of the Afternoon Delight. Like, there’s stuff to make a patch, because you never know when you need to do that in space.

You supplement the supplies that you have on the ship with some shattered speeders and various detritus that you pull out of the wilderness. You land somewhere outside of the city, and Tink sets about repairing the ship as best he can, making a seal, but also making it so you can still get out of the ship since the entryway was blown up. I’m gonna need you to make a hard Mechanics check with two black dice.

HUDSON: Two failures and three advantages.

NICK: So you repair the ship?

HUDSON: [grinning] I sure do.

NICK: It takes a little time, but you’re able to take the side of a speeder and weld it into place. You seal it up. It’s very much vacuum-capable now. The ship is completely repaired. You did a great job.

HUDSON: I don’t believe you. I don’t believe you.

NICK: It’s totally fine.

CAMERON: Your advantages are you don’t believe the GM.

NICK: [laughs]

HUDSON: The advantage is…

LILIT: When it inevitably fails, we will have time. [laughs]

HUDSON: No, the advantage is I have leftover parts. I don’t understand why, but it’s great because I can sell or use them later.

CAMERON: [chuckles] Oh no.

NICK: So… do you all leave Mandalore?

LILIT: Well I think we call Sentinel first.

CAMERON: We first go into our movie theater and call Sentinel.

NICK: Okay. Tink is finishing up repairing the ship. You retreat to the holo theater.

LILIT: Xianna has made popcorn.

NICK: There’s popcorn. You take your seats and put in a call to Sentinel. You don’t actually have his com number, you don’t know where he is, but the ship has the capability of reaching him. That’s part of why he gave it to you in the first place.

The Holonet takes a while to connect. You’re left in this dim lighting as you see a loading screen. You’re passing the popcorn around. Tink runs in and enters, he’s still holding a welding torch, and grabs a seat. And it finally connects. You see the face of a silver protocol droid too close to the camera. They startle a little bit and lean back away from the camera and get into the right distance that you can see them from the waist up.

NICK (as Cappy): Well, hello. This is Cappy. The crew of the Afternoon Delight, we haven’t heard from you in some time.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, is this Galaxy Pizza Co.?

CAMERON (as Karma): [defeated] No, Tink.

NICK (as Cappy): Uh…  no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Tink!

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding!

NICK (as Cappy): Do you require a pizza, Tink?

HUDSON (as Tink): Require is a strong word, but I could use some ‘za.

NICK (as Cappy): To save the galaxy, are you in need of pizza? I don’t know how to get some to you. I see that, well, your tracker’s been disabled for security purposes. Where are you?

HUDSON (as Tink): Cappy, you—

LILIT (as Xianna): You could just transfer us enough money to buy a pizza, and some other things.

NICK: The droid is shoved unceremoniously out of camera range and Sentinel slides into the camera view. He looks tired, but he looks better than he did the last time you saw him when he was in solitary confinement for several months and was escaping prison at the time.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, you finally reached out.

LILIT (as Xianna): [smiling] Ello Sentinel~

NICK (as Sentinel): Hello. Were you able to secure the Stone Breaker like I sent you out for originally… several weeks ago?

LILIT (as Xianna): Technically yes.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well I wouldn’t know because you haven’t communicated with me since, have you?

LILIT (as Xianna): Well I mean technically we did acquire it, past tense.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well yes, because once it has been acquired the acquiring is past tense. Can I see it?

LILIT (as Xianna): No. [chuckles] That would be why it is past tense. We no longer have it.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh…

HUDSON (as Tink): We got jacked up, Sentinel.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Endo blew a big old hole in our ship and then he stole it.

NICK (as Sentinel): E-Endo?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You remember that asshole from prison?

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s what I was going to say. That asshole from prison?

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. Turns out he has been collecting all the Force doohickeys.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. We had actually gotten the Stone Breaker and the Spirit Breaker.

NICK (as Sentinel): Well, congratulations. So at least you still have one. This is still salvageable.

LILIT (as Xianna): No… No.

CAMERON (as Karma): Eh, no. See, the whole thing of him breaking into our ship and stealing all of our stuff is that, um, that stuff is stolen. Also, the two items that Kettle had that you sent us after on Mandalore, he also acquired those. That attack on her facility happened while we were there.

NICK (as Sentinel): Wait. Sent you after on Mandalore? What do you mean? I haven’t talked to you since we escaped prison.

CAMERON (as Karma): Did you not have a mind conversation with Tink that he thought was a dream? And talked to…

LILIT (as Xianna): Somebody told Tink to go to Mandalore.

CAMERON (as Karma): And not contact Nyx, and have them meet us as the spaceport with a message from you? Have you slept since then? Did you forget?

NICK (as Sentinel): You went all the way to Mandalore based on a vision that Tink had?

CAMERON (as Karma): Mm-hmm.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK (as Sentinel): [stammers] Tink…

HUDSON (as Tink): [chipper] yes?

NICK (as Sentinel): Are you… Are you Force-sensitive?

HUDSON (as Tink): You know, no one’s ever asked me that before, and I’ve never thought about it.

CAMERON (as Karma): I thought the last time we were all in the same place you touched Tink’s forehead awkwardly or something and then were like “no.”

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s why I’m confused. I’ve proven, I’ve sensed, that you are not Force-sensitive. We all have the Force within us, but you do not connect that higher understanding of the powers that bind the universe together. So, you all went all the way to a planet based purely on… Tink having a hallucination?

HUDSON (as Tink): It wasn’t a hallucination. It feels—

LILIT (as Xianna): See?! I told you it was a hallucination.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, no, no.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. I told you, you had gotten into my glitterstim.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, I did not get into the glitterstim. It was not like “the Force,” like the name brand Force that you pay extra for at the store. I’m like on the lite—

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s the generic Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): yeah, so no, I’m not on the main Force, I’m on like the alt Force.

NICK (as Sentinel): Tink, I need you to think very carefully about what you say next. … I think you’re describing the dark side, and I’m very concerned for you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hmm… Well, uh…

[a cat mews sweetly in the background]

NICK (as Sentinel): Do you feel—When these feelings come to you, do you feel extremely strong emotions? Are you often afraid?

HUDSON (as Tink): I… I’ve been described more as aloof than afraid.

NICK (as Sentinel): Oh, that’s okay then. Aloof is very much a light side feeling. You can feel that as much as you want.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh good, good, yeah. I’m not afraid. I do have strong emotions, because it kind of bothers me. The thought just kinda jingles around in there and it’s like oh, you know, why are you in there, thought, get out of there.

NICK (as Sentinel): We can talk more about this later, Tink, but I am positive that you do not have the ability to attune yourself to the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Wait, wait, wait. Why don’t we just do the blood test so I can test my, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes, test his mitochondria.

HUDSON (as Tink): I thought it was miticolosis.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think it’s mitosis.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s meiosis, actually.

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s midi-chlorians, and that’s not actually based on anything. That’s an old superstition that has nothing to do with how powerful you are in the Force.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh.

NICK (as Sentinel): Who have you been talking to that talked about midi-chlorians?

LILIT (as Xianna): I mean, I don’t know, those weird Jedi that were always on Ryloth during the Clone Wars talked about midi-chlorians all the time.

NICK (as Sentinel): That’s very much an old guard belief. It’s very outdated. Even before the purge of the Jedi Temple, very few Jedi believed in that anymore. We were able to, uh… It had more to do with your spiritual and mental fortitude, your force of will, nothing about your blood content.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh… Alright, well, good to know.

NICK: Sentinel runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

NICK (as Sentinel): Either way, whatever coincidence or Force guidance brought you to where you needed to be, I have something I have to tell you. It sounds like, well… I sent you after six Force artifacts, the pieces of the Shattered Force. You had two. How many did Kettle have before she was robbed?

CAMERON (as Karma): Two.

NICK: He looks really concerned.

NICK (as Sentinel): How many did Endo manage to collect on his own?

CAMERON (as Karma): Uh… I’m gonna go out for at least one, because he was definitely teleporting. Is invisibility one of the powers? Because he also went invisible I think a few times.

NICK (as Sentinel): I don’t know. I don’t know everything about these artifacts. We have to assume, especially based on the change I felt in the Force, that he has all six, which could spell the end of the galaxy as we know it, someone like Endo having that kind of power. But, there is a seventh artifact.

LILIT (as Xianna): Why didn’t you tell us there was a seventh artifact from the start?

NICK (as Sentinel): I only found out about it recently myself. I thought it was a myth. [chuckles] Besides everything else being a myth. But I was finally able to track down its location. I spent the last of my liquid funds getting this information.

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, so, maybe awkward question, but you’re saying you don’t have any more money?

NICK: You see Cappy lean into the screen and just rapidly shake his head back and forth in a jerky droid way. Sentinel looks at Cappy, nods, and looks back at the camera.

NICK (as Sentinel): We’re completely out of money.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay. Well, um… cool. Cool, cool, cool. Great.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, a Force question. Can you take, you know, objects and turn them into credits like with magic? Like, make money?

LILIT (as Xianna): I don’t think that’s how it works.

CAMERON (as Karma): That’s called alchemy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah.

NICK: He makes an utterly baffled face in the hologram.

LILIT (as Xianna): We’ll just steal the credits!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ohh.

CAMERON (as Karma): Or we just wait for my insurance claim to go through.

LILIT (as Xianna): Or we do both. You know? Have a bit of fun while we wait for the insurance money. We can file some false insurance claims.

CAMERON (as Karma): No…

LILIT (as Xianna): Those are always fun to do. [gasps] We can all get fake married and then we can steal all the money from our fake partners.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, I thought you meant us getting fake married to each other.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, I thought you meant the crew.


LILIT (as Xianna): No,  not us together.

CAMERON (as Karma): I was not seeing how that would be a successful scam.

LILIT (as Xianna): We each individually, under fake names, create elaborate backstories and then we woo some rich weirdos, and then we get married. You get them to not agree to a prenup. That is the important part. You have to not get the prenup. Then, you can steal all the money.

NICK (as Sentinel): Crew of the Afternoon Delight.

NICK: Sentinel’s voice is louder as though he’s turned up the reception on his holo cam.

LILIT (as Xianna): Sentinel, you can join in too.

NICK (as Sentinel): Crew, I need you to focus up.

NICK: He points at his eyes and he points at the camera.

NICK (as Sentinel): Focus. Are you with me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. If all four of us get fake married, we can get so much money.

NICK (as Sentinel): Xianna… Xianna.

CAMERON: Karma makes the focused hand gesture back.

NICK: Sentinel nods to Karma and then holds up one finger and counts to three on his fingers.

NICK (as Sentinel): One, two, three, eyes on me. Eyes are moving, mouths are shut.

HUDSON: I’m really behind, so I do the motion he does a second ago with two fingers but I poke my eyes.

HUDSON (as Tink): Agh!

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh no.

LILIT (as Xianna): See? Look what you did to Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Why did you do that?

NICK (as Sentinel): I’m too far away to have done that with the Force. You just stabbed yourself in the eyes with your fingers for no reason, Tink.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, okay.

NICK: he sits back exasperatedly in his hover chair.

NICK (as Sentinel): Listen. Endo has unimaginable power now, but he has not gained full control of the Force in the galaxy because of the seventh artifact. I found out it’s the one that binds them together. But Endo will sense it. The power of the Shattered Force calls to each other. You need to beat him there and get it first or all is truly lost.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright. Where are we going?

LILIT (as Xianna): Please say somewhere cool that has like a big mall that would be very fun for us.

HUDSON (as Tink): That would be fun.

LILIT (as Xianna): Then we can, you know, double up because then we can steal money. We can do a fun heist while we’re getting the seventh object.

CAMERON (as Karma): We were just on Mandalore. We could’ve gone to a mall there.

LILIT (as Xianna): Mandalore has terrible malls. You know this.

NICK (as Sentinel): You’re going to Dagobah.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ew.

LILIT (as Xianna): Ugh…

CAMERON (as Karma): So no malls then.

LILIT (as Xianna): They don’t have any pretzel shops on their mall. I don’t even think they have a mall.

NICK (as Sentinel): There’s no mall.

CAMERON (as Karma): It’s a swamp.

LILIT (as Xianna): That’s the problem. That’s how they have no pretzel shop.

NICK (as Sentinel): It’s a small unsettled planet in the backwater reaches of the galaxy.

LILIT (as Xianna): I wanted a Wetzel pretzel.


NICK (as Sentinel): You need to hurry. Wetzel pretzels or not, the galaxy is in danger and you’re the only ones that can stop this threat.

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

LILIT (as Xianna): [whining] Okay fine, we’ll go to Dagobah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Do you have coordinates on Dagobah?

NICK (as Sentinel): They’re already uploaded to your hyperspace computer.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, fantastic.

HUDSON (as Tink): Who are we meeting there?

NICK (as Sentinel): There shouldn’t be any sentient life on the planet. There’s dangerous wildlife, but it’s otherwise uninhabited. Be careful, it’s a strong nexus of dark side energy.

LILIT (as Xianna): Wait. Are we supposed to comb through an entire planet for some artifact that we don’t even know what it is?

NICK (as Sentinel): No.

LILIT (as Xianna): Like, do we have any clue where it’s supposed to be?

NICK (as Sentinel): There is very little land mass on Dagobah. Most of it is swamps, places you could not land, not traverse. The wildlife itself would kill you.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t throw an artifact into a swamp.

NICK (as Sentinel): The coordinates will get you close. It’s on one of these larger land masses. These things tend to work out. Like I said, it’s a Force nexus.

CAMERON (as Karma): But for the dark side is what you said.

NICK (as Sentinel): It will draw you towards it. It will also draw you towards mortal peril. Be careful.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh great.

NICK: And the hologram flickers off.

LILIT (as Xianna): Okay, so I know we’re supposed to be fighting the end of the galaxy as we know it and rushing to the stupid swamp planet so that we can get this artifact, but can we stop for a pretzel first?

HUDSON (as Tink): Uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I like the ones with the cinnamon sugar.

HUDSON (as Tink): Honestly, I would do the cinnamon sugar ones too. That’s a good point.

LILIT (as Xianna): What’s really cool is if you take the cinnamon sugar ones and then you dip it in the cheese sauce.

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh…

CAMERON (as Karma): Um… what?

LILIT (as Xianna): No, it’s good, I promise.

HUDSON (as Tink): I’m willing to try it. Like… I just had an idea.

LILIT (as Xianna): [gasps] We get the pizza pretzels too!

HUDSON (as Tink): Ooh, we get both? It’s like a lunch savory then sweet.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah. We’ll get a whole bucket of pretzels.

HUDSON (as Tink): So, in conclusion, what we do is we go to Dagobah. The day before we send out a flyer online; boxing match of the century between Tink and HK, on Dagobah, hovering above a swamp, and we have like a boxing ring and stands, and we raise money that way.

CAMERON (as Karma): Um…

LILIT (as Xianna): No, let’s just steal the money from somewhere.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah, that is so, so overcomplicated, Tink.

LILIT (as Xianna): Because we haven’t fixed HK yet either.

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): We have all the pieces, and our brilliant mechanic is going to fix him.

HUDSON (as Tink): True. True. That is in my to-do list.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can work on that while I go fly us to Dagobah.

CAMERON: Karma leaves. [chuckles]

NICK: So, the crew of the Afternoon Delight scatters around the ship. Karma goes to the cockpit. The coordinates have been entered. It’s both the galactic coordinates and a landing pattern for a specific part of the planet. You type in the coordinates and punch it, quickly accelerating from the orbit around Mandalore and into the glowing hyperspace tube. It’s gonna be a couple of days to get there. It’s not close. What do you all do during your downtime?

CAMERON: There’s a montage of Tink sitting at the table fixing HK and Karma just popping up around behind him with a trash bag cleaning up all of the stuff that’s thrown all over the ship.

NICK: [chuckles]

LILIT: Xianna’s teaching Creamsicle more tricks.

NICK: Nice. Tink, I need you to make a very important Mechanics check.

HUDSON: [laughs] What’s the difficulty?

NICK: It’s gonna be average difficulty. Here’s the deal. The more successful you are, the more experience points we’re going to spend to actually help HK catch back up to the rest of the crew.

HUDSON: I flip a light side point.

CAMERON: Do you wanna flip five light side points? [laughs]

NICK: No, not allowed.

HUDSON: Two successes and an advantage!

NICK: Well, you’re able to fix him. You’re even able to upgrade him some. The Rancor Protocol is able to fit back in place a little bit better than it was before. You have to replace big parts of his chassis and his limbs, some of his sensor suite. Basically, the amount of repairs that he needs is enough to make an entirely new droid, but his eyes finally flicker online as you close the final panel. He gets 200 experience points, which is a decent amount, it will do him some good.

He is awake, and we see him look at Tink and sit up on the table. He sits up extremely smoothly and hops off the table by pushing off with his arms and lands on his feet silently. You can’t even hear servos like you’re used to. HK turns to look at you and says:

NICK (as HK): Oh hey, Boss Man. How’s it going?

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh! Do you— Alright. We gotta go through some checks here.

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, you died!

HUDSON (as Tink): No, wait, shut up! What’s your name?

NICK (as HK): Oh, my name is HK-67. How’s it hanging?

HUDSON (as Tink): This droid sounds too relaxed. I think I messed up.

CAMERON: [laughs]

LILIT (as Xianna): HK, HK, what is your favorite activity?

NICK (as HK): I do sure like to kill me some organics when I get the chance, but you know, being dead gave me some time to think. It may still be my favorite activity, but maybe there’s more to my not-life than that. I’ve got a lot of weird memories rattling around up here and it’s gonna take a while to process, but…

HUDSON (as Tink): Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah. Usually it would take a while to process, but—

HUDSON: Then I open a panel and I just turn a knob and it processes so much quicker.


NICK (as HK): Oh wow! Ah, ooh, wow. That… ooh, that’s like roughly a year of therapy and it just happened in 30 seconds. That was a lot. Thanks Tink. Thank you for that.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, no problem.

NICK (as HK): Well, uh… long story short, you know how my central processor is the Rancor Protocol?

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yes?

NICK (as HK): Well, the Rancor Protocol apparently is a lot more complicated than you all thought it was. I’m not quite ready to talk about it yet, but um… I’m not just a droid. There’s a lot more going on here.

LILIT: Xianna pats HK on the shoulder.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, you know, whenever you are ready to share with us, just know that we are open to conversations and however you want to move forward just keep us updated.

NICK (as HK): Wow, I really appreciate that emotionally well-balanced response, Xianna. I feel very supported. Thank you.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, they haven’t taken drugs in a while. It’s weird.

LILIT (as Xianna): What? I am always like this. As much as I take drugs, I am a very emotionally supportive person.

HUDSON (as Tink): You honestly didn’t use to be. [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Hey. To be fair, Xianna has always been much better at helping other people deal with their emotions than she is with dealing with her own.

HUDSON (as Tink): That’s true.

LILIT (as Xianna): Yes. I have always encouraged other people to look inside themself and figure out their own emotional turmoil. I just bury mine deep, deep down and never process it. It works out great.

NICK (as HK): And since Nolaa made her start watching the Holonet videos about emotional balance she’s really taken on a more intentional approach to her friends’ well-being, which I really appreciate. I will tell you one thing. I’m not sure of all the implications yet even with that particular knob turned, still thinking about it, but um… I am pretty sure the thing that constitutes my soul is actually a roughly 2,000 year old Force ghost.

CAMERON (as Karma): What…?

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh.

NICK (as HK): I think my intelligence is a structure based on a super-old dead Force-sensitive something or other.

CAMERON (as Karma): So you’re telling us that you’ve had the Force the whole time and you’ve been wanting to drain Tink’s blood?

LILIT (as Xianna): You didn’t need to pump yourself with blood!

NICK (as HK): Oh no, that’s still very much the plan. Now I know why I wanted the Force so badly. It’s what’s given me this structure.

NICK: HK is gesturing to emphasize points. He looks at everybody as he speaks. He has more weight on one foot than the other with his hip slightly popped out. It feels like talking to a person not a droid.

NICK (as HK): That’s just why I’m like this and why I’ve been less consistent. This is basically an organic neural net built into the Force and then stuck into the Rancor Protocol. So now I’m not sure how it works. Neither was whoever it was that’s part of me.

LILIT (as Xianna): Well, that’s very cool. Um… Yeah, yeah, that’s a lot to process, HK. I’m just saying, you’re a Force ghost? Okay.

HUDSON (as Tink): Force ghost is supposed to be very spooky-scary, but I’m actually not spooky-scared.

NICK (as HK): Well, I’m still me. I’m still this murder droid you all know and love. I just have… It’s like all of the plugs are finally plugged all the way in, you know? There’s—

LILIT (as Xianna): Oh, I know what you mean, HK. [chuckles]

NICK (as HK): Heyo.

NICK: [smiling] And HK goes for a high-five with Xianna.

NICK (as HK): Anyway. I’m getting too heavy. I don’t know where we’re going, but I’m assuming we’ll get to kill some things. Have you seen my gun?

LILIT (as Xianna): We are going to a terrible swamp planet where nobody lives. There’s no malls. We can’t do a heist.

NICK (as HK): I don’t like that. May have knocked a bunch of the cobwebs loose in the old ticker of mine, but still can’t swim particularly well and don’t really like water.

CAMERON (as Karma): We are going to try to avoid being in the water. I don’t like this kind of water.

LILIT (as Xianna): We are apparently going to be on the land portion.

NICK (as HK): Well that’s good.

CAMERON: Karma hands HK their gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): Here you go, buddy.

NICK: He plugs his finger into the trigger assembly. The barrels spin a little. His face still doesn’t move, but just looking at it you can feel the satisfied smile, and he slings it onto his back.

NICK (as HK): Ah, that’s better.

CAMERON: I think Karma probably spent some time cleaning that while Tink was reassembling HK, because if he got stomped by a mythosaur, and he was holding the gun, it probably wasn’t in fantastic shape.

NICK: But it looks good now. HK looks around the room.

NICK (as HK): I missed you.

CAMERON (as Karma): We missed you too.

HUDSON (as Tink): Hey—

NICK (as HK): Oh, sorry, I was talking to the gun.

CAMERON (as Karma): Oh, well you already put it on your back.

NICK (as HK): She knows I meant it.

HUDSON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): Alright.

NICK: HK shrugs.

NICK (as HK): I missed you all too. Thank you for not leaving me dead. That was, uh…

LILIT (as Xianna): I can’t take credit for that. I thought you were dead beyond repair.

HUDSON (as Tink): I knew you were alive the whole time.

NICK (as HK): Oh, I was dead. You managed to bring me back somehow.

HUDSON (as Tink): No, but you said you had memories while you were dead, so you were alive.

CAMERON (as Karma): Yeah. You said being dead gave you a lot of time to think.


NICK (as HK): That’s like a weird spirit floaty-ghosty thing. It was super strange, and the memory is rapidly fading so I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to explain it in detail.

HUDSON (as Tink): Fair. Oh, important question, HK. Inspector Mode, is that still an option?

NICK (as HK): I sure hope not.

LILIT (as Xianna): Don’t you dare put HK into Inspector Mode!

HUDSON (as Tink): I would never put HK into Inspector Mode… without consent.

LILIT (as Xianna): That is a fate worse than death.

NICK: HK opens up the panel that you messed with to do that and looks down.

NICK (as HK): These circuits all look different. Tink, you did a pretty big overhaul. I don’t know if it’s going to be as easy to do as it was before, and I’d hate to lose my newfound understanding of communication and… I’m not going to say empathy because I don’t really care, but I do understand other people’s emotions a lot better now.

CAMERON: [laughs]

CAMERON (as Karma): I think you can be empathetic and not care.

LILIT (as Xianna): No, I think that’s sympathy.

CAMERON (as Karma): You can be empathetic and not sympathetic.

LILIT (as Xianna): I think sympathy is when you know other people have the emotions but empathy is when you feel the other emotions.

NICK (as HK): Okay, then I’m sympathetic. I understand what people are feeling, it’s just not super important to me. I do think it will be useful.

HUDSON (as Tink): Yeah, that’s okay.

NICK (as HK): So, we’re going to a swamp, huh?

CAMERON (as Karma): [breathy] Yep.

HUDSON (as Tink): We’re thrilled, but we are stopping for pretzels first?

LILIT (as Xianna): Yeah!

CAMERON (as Karma): We already did. We’re not stopping again.

LILIT (as Xianna): What are you—No…

HUDSON (as Tink): Huh?

HUDSON: Wait. Did we actually stop for pretzels?

CAMERON: [smiling] yes. We found a drive thru pretzel place.

HUDSON: [laughs]

NICK: Karma says “we already did” and the camera pans over and there’s a large box, like a donut box with pretzels lined up and various dipping sauces, and the whole crew grabs snacks. HK grabs one and puts it towards his face and goes “oh,” and everybody else gets to eat snacks and it’s great.

HUDSON (as Tink): Delicious.

NICK: And that’s the end of the episode.


ALL: Ba-naaa~!

## Outro

CAMERON: Thanks for listening to Tabletop Squadron. If you enjoyed our show, please consider leaving a review on your podcast listening app of choice. Reviews will help new listeners find the show, and every time we get one Nick lets the squad have a blue die.

If you’re so inclined, you can also help support the show through our Patreon which can be found in the show notes, on our website, and basically anywhere else we post things. We have all sorts of Patreon levels including Tarkin’s Underwear Drawer, a level that includes bonus channels on our Discord and tons of bonus episodes that include side character arcs, flashbacks, bloopers and TV show reviews.

Xianna’fan is played by Lilit Penrod. They can be found on Twitter at @cheerio_buffet.

Tink is played by Hudson Jameson. He can be found on Twitter at @hudsonjameson.

Karma Nailo is played by me, Cameron Robertson. You can find me on Twitter at @midnightmusic13.

Our game master is Nick Robertson, and you can find him on Twitter at @alias58.

Our intro song is Space Jam by Pablo Ribot.

Additional music by James Gunter.

Follow the podcast on Twitter and Instagram at @Tabletop_Squad and join our Discord and share all your cute pet photos with us. We also sometimes talk about Star Wars. You can find a link to join our Discord on our website and in our pinned tweet. See you next time.

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